#if it costed me my life man i'd save my only friend??

[cosyatp]

is no one going to say how perfect brittle bones nicky is for charles and edwin specifically verse 3 and the breakdown

[psychotic-nonsense]

Finally listened to Rare American's "Brittle Bones Nicky" 1 & 2, after years of the first's thumbnail following me around. I just knew back then I'd get obsessed with it so I waited, and lo and behold, I was right. So here's a strange retelling of the whole story from God's perspective, because my brain has been tossing these songs around for the past two days.

-------------

All people are born with a little bit of Heaven and Hell.

Heavenly Virtue. Hellish Fight.

Each has their moments of control. Whichever has the most influence over your life, whom gives you the most comfort while alive and keeps you safe, sways the Divine's judgements at the end. Helps him choose who he must be as the usher of the gates.

Once you've left the Earth, you must part with the little bit of otherworld you have lived with. Pay for your departure with proof of your deeds, and be left with what cannot help you. Suffering with useless Virtue upon fiery brimstone. Relaxing with tamed Fight in soft clouds.

The sacrificed truths will then materialize in the afterlife as the Divine's soldiers. Virtue becoming strong angels for the Heavens. Fight becoming skeletal demons for Hell.

It was an even, working system. The Divine did not need to stay the God or Devil, the great and terrible of humans could do that work for him.

Then there was Nicky.

He was soft in the beginning of life, his mother's Virtue tried hard to cling to his spirit. But when his father's hand came down on him, said man's Fight took over, marked permanently by a constant black eye. Reminiscent of the empty sockets of the demons.

Brittle Bones Nicky, he became, a clear subject to his Fight. Starting with the blackberry pie, he began to war with the world, changing every horribly dealt hand to be his own deck of cards. He chased horrid pleasure, was selfish and mean, and chose his own path through life the only way he knew how; spitefully.

The thing about Brittle Bones was that his Virtue only grew stronger with age. When his Fight would overtake his body, render him a victim to it, it was by the begging and guidance of his Virtue. His Virtue cried when injustice was dealt, aching at the sight of another playing with the same cards Brittle Bones Nicky himself was given. His Fight couldn't stand to watch, enraged at this ever being allowed to happen.

He fought those who took advantage of those who could not fight back. The upperclassmen when they attacked the younger members of his bullpen. The police when they unfairly jested about shooting his girlfriend. The prisoners that chose to gang up on his mentor Ben.

And oh, how his Fight was fierce. Made his lithe, boney frame so strong against forces greater than him, yet kept him stuck in prison the latter half of life. Left his final moments an odd mix of guilt and satisfaction.

Such an overwhelming Fight and a surprisingly resilient Virtue made Brittle Bones Nicky a big name by the time of his death. The traveling gremlins begged to meet him on his ride in, the angels and demons personally greeting him at the gates. It's a little annoying, gives Nicky a big head when he and the Divine - God at first - finally meet and his judgement is made. The Divine does have to admit, the Fight/Virtue combination is quite interesting to witness.

Still, the order must continue. Nicky's Fight is separated from him and he's sent down to Hell. Where even the ghosts - suffering alongside their remaining Virtue - know of him.

But the Divine is soon alerted, not even five minutes into Nicky's descent, that he is fighting back. At first the Divine isn't worried, the demons will take care of him.

Yet what he witnesses next completely changes the order of the afterlife.

Brittle Bones Nicky, the most complex soul he'd seen in a very very long time, was overtaken by his Virtue. Fueled by his inner hopes to see his mother once again. And such strong Virtue recalled his Fight.

Nicky, the human soul. Nicky, with a broken, weeping heart. Nicky, with great, overwhelming wrath. All merging together at last, to be too grand for the afterlife. All at once not straight good or bad.

Completely otherworldly from all these worlds that existed... and not too unlike the Divine himself.

The Divine - enraged into the Devil - brought Brittle Bones Nicky to face him again. Showed Nicky the truth of his identity, demanding an answer to this dismantling of order.

And Nicky made a demand of his own. God to God, Devil to Devil. Asking to pay for his afterlife on Earth, as a subject not of his Virtue or Fight, but of the Divine himself.

Considering the implications, how could he say no? A Divine on both realms of life could end up being beneficial to the separation of souls. And, hopefully, keep another Nicky from showing up. Or it could backfire and result in an afterlife full of them. Still, such a claim is so big that the Divine has no choice but to comply.

He allows Nicky to merge fully with his skeletal demon, keeping his Virtue and Fight with him. Conjoined as it all is now, it's not like he even can. A humanized demon, with virtuous grace. Under the order of a humanized angel, with fighting spirit.

Brittle Bones Nicky. The crafty, tricky, golden son of a bitch that overstepped everything in life, winding up to be bigger and greater than everything before him. Paving the way to a future unknown, on the road to Heaven from Hell.

Brittle Bones Nicky. The Divine of Earth.

[mintmatcha]

Kinktober: Monster Fucking

Fandom: Dungeons and Dragons

After months of adventuring with your party, you can't help but be curious about a certain dragon born....

cw: cisfem reader, Monster fucking, OC x reader, fantasy racism (someone is not nice to dragonborn), biting, slight mention of bleeding, fingers in holes

PART ONE OF TWO

a/n: A very special thanks to @tyga-lily, who talked with me about her little dragonborn and made me fall in love with this concept and to @saetyrn9 who came up with his name :)

"The bath is free, Obi."

For how much a night costs, the room is nothing special, but any inn with running water is heaven sent. It’s been almost two months since anyone in your party has slept in a proper bed and your body can feel it. Simply wearing the silk of your nightgown feels luxurious at this point; sleeping on down is going to feel obscene.

"I'll be quick." Your party mate stands with a grunt, the day heavy on his joints. You almost want to tease him, but after this adventure, your knees are screaming too. It's hard enough for you to throw yourself on to the bed

Despite knowing him for the greater part of a year, you always forget how large the dragonborn is until he’s next to you. Towering over you with delicate horns and ridged crest, Obsidian Vyke -Obi, to his friends- is all black scales and teeth. The air crackles around him the way it crackles around all sorcerers, subtle yet wild, so it’s unfair that he’s also built wide. Thick biceps and a barrel chest: no magic user should be that muscular.

"Take your time." You watch him as he moves around the room, dipping around the singular bed and pulling his sleeping clothes from his travel sack.

"I'm sorry about this," Obi says, peering over his shoulder, "I know I'm not as nice to room with as Kiri."

The two other members in your party had been fast friends-- unfortunately, they were also quick to become lovers. Usually, that did not pose any issues to the group, but tonight, the inn only has two rooms available. It seemed cruel to separate the lovebirds, so you and Obi agreed to cohabitate for the night.

"I don’t mind sharing a bed with you." The idea gives you butterflies, this flitting, nervous energy. You trust the man with your life-- fuck, he’s saved your life in battle -- but something about sleeping next to him makes your skin goosepimple. "As long as you don't snore."

His eyes narrow in a smile. "I'll try my best."

The dragonborn undoes the lacings of his leather outerwear using the sharpened tips of his claws, delicately catching them under and pulling. The motion is careful and patient, repeated until he can toss the garment into the room's only chair.

It’s not that you don’t want to share a room with him. In fact, you think you want this a little too much. You're absorbed with all of his movements as he primps a bit, adjusting the hem of his shirt so it sits properly, running a palm over his crest, sliding off his traveler's boots. If you're lucky, his shirt will be next and you can catch a peek of the toned spance of his stomach.

"My lady," His teeth flash in the fire light, pearls against the deep, dark opalescent hues of his scales, "You're staring."

"Ah, I'm sorry!" He’s one to talk; you’ve felt his gaze following you for weeks now. That's the only reason you're thinking about him and his body.

And, using that logic, he's the only reason you bought that bodice ripper last week, the one starring a pretty red dragonborn and his human lover--

"Is there something in my teeth?" Obi teases. That earns him a giggle, but, when you don't respond, he exhales through his nose and moves closer. "We're rooming together tonight, so if there's any tension between us, I'd rather-"

"I heard a rumor," you blurt out.

He goes pale. "About me? What did Thyrll tell you?"

"No, about dragonborns in general."

Relief relaxes his features.

"And you just want to know if it's true?" There's a click in his voice as he laughs, something strange and inhumane, "It's okay. You can ask. Let me guess- I eat poor little gnomes? I enchant humans with my-"

"Is it... inside of you?"

The dragonborn pauses at that, eyes wide. "Excuse me?"

"Your..." You cannot believe you're about to say this, "Cock."

"Oh."

You scramble up, hands over your face as you head towards the door. You aren't sure where you're going to go in a nightgown, but anywhere else has to be better than here.

"Oh, I'm sorry! That was so rude of me."

A wall of muscle suddenly blocks your way. Those dexterous hands that you were admiring moments ago are now touching your shoulders, rubbing up and down affectionately.

"It's alright, my lady, I'm just... surprised." He smells like petrichor, something strangely earthy and yet unnatural clinging to his scales, and laughs like summer rain, "I think it's natural to wonder about different races, I just didn't think..."

His sharp eyes are dilated a bit, the pupils closer to almonds than slits as they bounce up and down your body.

"I've had my own... curiosities about others as well," he admits, "So, who am I to judge?"

Your spine prickles at that. Who exactly was he curious about? One of the elves in your party? The barmaid downstairs? Or is it you that the thinks about at night, cock in fist?

The dragonborn misreads the upset look on your face. "I promise that I am not cross with you. How about I answer your questions and you'll answer mine? No judgments."

You settle a bit. "If you're sure."

He smiles a draconic smile, all teeth and the smallest flick of his tongue.

"Of course I'm sure. I'm not embarrassed because my species is a bit different than yours."

You watch him for a long moment. He’s kind. A scoundrel at times, but kind. It's etched into his face, always reflected in his wide, chartreuse eyes.

"So, it is different,” you say carefully.

"It is."

“Very different?”

“When my cock is hard?” He says it so easily. Always proper, it makes you squirm to hear him curse, “No. But when I’m not, it is, in fact inside.”

"It's just... flat down there?"

"Yes- give me your hand."

You weave your fingers in between his without a second thought, but he just shakes his head and pulls away. Then, he takes your still open palm in his and brings it to his torso. The muscle there is just as firmed as you imagined and it's hard not to linger in once spot to appreciate it, Slowly, Obi guides your hand down, running it over the linen of his pants. Underneath, you can feel how it's slightly ridged with larger scales than the rest of his body and, subsequently, larger gaps form in between. It's just skin-- well, it's just scales. You're touching nothing technically intimate, but your heart races anyway, caught in your throat.

"See?" His voice has the edge of a tremble and, when you look up, you realize just how close you two have become. Practically chest to chest, his snout is only inches from your face, close enough that you can see how each individual scale slightly shifts in color as the fire dances. He seems to have realized too; dragonborn expressions are hard to read, but you don't miss how deep his breathing has become.

"It's nothing like touching a human, is it?" he mumbles, hand squeezing yours ever so slightly, “Not intimate at all.”

"Well." You curl your fingers up, clumsily feeling through the fabric, "Maybe a bit.”

The fire crackles in the fireplace. He breathes again, on the brink of a sigh, and you think he’s just as caught up in this as you are.

"Just a bit?" Heat radiates from him. If he were human, it'd be alarming, but instead there's a comfort to it. You're still warm from the bath, and yet you chase that heat, slipping your hand from his just to bring it under the waistline of his pants.

"More than a bit."

He's hot underneath it all, almost uncomfortable to the touch as you explore the space blindly. His eyes haven't left yours, his lids getting heavy with every prod and poke of your fingers.

A vertical line of soft, exposed skin catches your ring finger and his body jumps reflexively as you accidentally dip inside of him. It’s strangely dry, yet much softer than the rest of his scaled body. Despite yourself, you explore it a bit more, pressing in the same way you’ll be playing with your own pussy tonight.

"A-ahh--" The dragonborn sucks in a deep breath and you can feel his abdomen crunch under your touch, "Be careful."

"Did I hurt you?" you ask as you pull away.

His chittering laugh returns. His hands rest on the small of your back, not pushing, but not entirely platonic either. When he talks, the air tastes like distant embers, just far enough away, yet not close enough, "You didn’t hurt me, don’t worry."

“Are you sure?” you press, “You made a weird noise.”

“Very sure,” He dips low enough to press his lips against the shell of your ear, "You’d do the same if I put my fingers inside of you."

This time, the heat is coming from inside you, twisting and pulling with want.

"With your claws?" You manage to joke through your suddenly dry throat, "I might cry."

"I could cut them," His voice is rolling and low as his hands explore, one traveling up your spine and the other dipping the smooth over your ass. When they both reach their zeniths, they switch directions. The silk of your dress catches against his skin, pulling it up and revealing the fat of your ass to the air. "Nice and short."

His nails dig gently into your skin, nothing more than a nip, a test.

"You’re so soft, all over. Your body just gives when I touch it,” There’s a distant tone to his voice as he speaks into the curve of your neck, “Too delicate for me, aren’t you?”

You hum in disagreement and his teeth prove you otherwise. It’s barely a graze, but the nip against your pulse point drags a whimper from deep within you. Your companion chuckles, then coos with pity as he does it again, much, much kinder this time.

“Oh, you’re knock kneed and sweet for me,” The already blossoming bruises are soothed by a warm, textured flash of wet. His tongue is rougher than a humans, longer too, and it leaves behind a string of spit that is more viscous than any human’s. “Like a fawn. My sweet fawn.”

The hand that once explored him is trapped in between your bodies, unable to move, but you can feel something against your stomach: something hard, something thick. Too much cock for your human body, but, fuck, you’re going to try.

“Bet you’re even softer down here.” A singular clawed drags over your bare ass, searching for underwear that isn't there and your body trembles with want, “Oh, look at that, shaking like a leaf. I bet you’d melt if I-”

A sharp knock at the door scrambles you two apart. A moment passes and the sound almost feels imaginary, but then it happens again. You smooth your still wet hair and try to gather yourself, heading to the door in a hurry. Somehow, the dragonborn is more flustered than you. His scales are physically ruffled and his usually stoney brow is creased. He can’t blush, but you swear you can see his face alight as you swing the door open.

There stands a familiar elvish figure, with dark straight hair and the prettiest of smiles.

“Kiri!” you exclaim. She’s a natural beauty, like most elves. All legs and sharp angles, she’s a good head taller than you, leaning over with almost a condescending grin. She’s so beautiful that you almost hate her for it.

“I am sorry to be a bother, rogue.” She speaks in Elvish and the dragonborn’s head tilts slightly side to side, like a dog who hears his name, as he tries to listen. “I came to thank you and the sorcerer.”

“Oh, yeah, no worries,” Your Elvish is unnatural on your human tongue, “We are fine here.”

“My lover thanks you too,” she winks and giggles. She’s over a hundred years older than you, and yet still head over heels like a schoolgirl. Elves might live for thousands of years, but they take hundreds to mature. “We will not be sleeping much tonight.”

You roll your eyes and pretend to gag, biting back a smile, but then Kiri grows serious.

“If he scares you, please let me know,” she continues.

“Obi?” you say, “He’s a sweetheart.”

“I’m sure he is, but those teeth! Like needles. Braver than me, sleeping next to a monster like that.”

You glance at your dragonborn and he looks away before you can meet his eye. A disappointment settles in your stomach. Monster is such an ugly word for a pretty man. Everything about him is charming and refined, from the way he speaks and the way he walks, to the way he shines his scales when he thinks no one is looking.

“That’s rude.” You’re quick to reply. Kiri grew up around only her own kind and their ideas-- she doesn’t always know what’s uncouth or offensive because of it, “Don’t say such awful things.”

“It seems like he’s already gotten hungry.” She jerks a chin to your shoulder. You reflexively reach to cover it, only to pull away when the spot feels wet. Blood speckles your fingers- not enough to warranty any worry, of course, just the slightest graze of the skin.

“That’s not--”

“I tease, I tease!” she continues, “I know it is just a scrape. Can you imagine? To lay with someone who is all claws, fire and untamed magics! I-”

The man in question stalks in between you two silently. With a towel in his arms and a chip on his shoulder, he stomps by with a snort of his nostrils.

“I’m going to bathe.” His Elvish is worse than yours, but it's enough to make Kiri’s face drop. The worst part is that he doesn’t sound angry-- you could deal with anger. Instead, he sounds heartbroken. “I don’t mean to be frightening.”

You both walk him stalk down the hall until he disappears around a corner. Kiri swivels to look at you, bewildered. “Since when does he speak Elvish?”

PART TWO

[jiginese]

[ If it cost me my life man I'd save my only friend

That's something I could live with

I could take that 'til the end ]

inspired off an rp as well as lyrics from Brittle Bones Nicky

TW for blood on image beneath the cut

you guys have no idea how amused I was when I realised the audio synced with this video perfectly

go listen to Rare Americans

[leahnardo-da-veggie]

The Tragedy of Love, Death and Maggots part 13

Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12

My fingers found Mrin's hair as her murmurs slowly died off. “It's over,” I told her. “We're safe. Come on, let's get out of here.” 

She nodded unsteadily. “Right. Get out. Get away. Move.” Her voice was hardly more than a whisper, a thought leaking out of her tongue. With a heave, she hauled herself out of our hidey-hole. Out in the open, I could see blood dribbling out of her lips. Whatever she had done had cost her something, that much I could tell. 

I followed her out and pressed her into a seated position. Her eye was blank, glossed over like she was high. “Come on, Mrin,” I coaxed. How quickly the tables had turned. Me reassuring her, her protecting me, me healing her- it was an endless cycle, like a satellite's orbit of Earth, always falling and never hitting the ground. I needed to get her back on her feet, just like she had me. Well, not her physical feet. Her metaphorical ones. Damn, my head hurt. It was getting hard to think. All that running about with

I peered into her mouth. Her gums were what bled, raw-red and potentially infected. No, not potentially. Definitely infected. When had it happened? She hadn't complained of such issues previously.

Curse it all. “Mrin, can you hear me? You alright?” She obviously wasn't, but I was running out of things to say. Everything was falling apart. I wanted to get back to falling apart too, but I couldn't. Not when she was like this.

She didn't respond. “Mrin? Please respond. I need you, Mrin.” Her pulse was soft, chest moving ever so slightly. 

“Mrin?” Gods, I was repeating myself like a broke record. My own pet peeve, and I'd stooped to it. “Mrin, please. You got me out of there, and now I need you to get out of whatever dreamland you're in.”

Still nothing. If anything she was fading away. But this couldn’t be it. That was unacceptable. I'd spent a good fifth of my life with her. She’d had my back. She was my friend, my companion, my partner. I couldn't lose her. “Mrin?” I clasped her face, looking into those unfocused eyes of hers. 

“I love you.”

If this had been a romance or a fairytale, she would have opened her eyes. If this had been a dream, a good dream, she would have whispered it back. If there had been any Justice in this world, something should have happened.

But it wasn't. I was no pure of heart hero, and my knight in shining armour was nobody more than a tired, scared woman who'd pushed herself too far. Perhaps… Perhaps it was all I could do to sit beside her and hope. 

I settled down next to her, running my fingers through her hair. It was matted to hell and back, but I had all the time in the world to detangle it. Not-Athena wouldn't come back here, not so soon, not when it had plenty of prey to pursue.

How were we gonna get out of this one? Was this how all the monsters in the labyrinth were born? From rude, self-obsessed little girls? From the corpses of their soft-hearted boyfriends? From the tears of an old man who had never wanted to care so much?

My tears were silent, landing on the knees I had pressed against my chest. My stomach ached. My mouth was dry from screaming and heaving and all the other vile things my day had been occupied with.

I wanted to go off and find some food, some water, some relief. I had chosen this hidey-hole well, even if I rarely visited it. I knew of a leaky pipe with semi-clean water, and a little stash of only slightly rusted cans of beans. But I couldn't leave Mrin. Not when she was like this.

The part of me that had truly hardened itself to the world told me to get up and walk away. It was sensible. I didn't know how to help her. I was no magician or wizard, to cure wounds caused by magic (or what I presumed to be magic, at least). I was only a useless little boy, who hadn't saved anyone, though he'd dedicated his life to it. 

Some Doc I was.

Taglist: @coffeeangelinabox, @dorky-pals, @calliecwrites, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @shukei-jiwa

@thewingedbaron, @pluppsauthor, @cowboybrunch, @wylloblr, @possiblyeldritch

@tragedycoded, @finickyfelix, @urnumber1star, @ratedn, @ramwritblr

@vampirelover890, @possiblylisle, @illarian-rambling, @the-ellia-west, @differentnighttale

@evilgabe29, @glitched-dawn, @rivenantiqnerd, @dragonhoardesfandoms, @xenascribbles

@drchenquill, @everythingismadeofchaos, @owldwagitoutofyou, @dimitrakies, @beloveddawn-blog

@riveriafalll, @the-golden-comet, @rascaronii, @trippingpossum, @real-fragments

@unrepentantcheeseaddict, @the-inkwell-variable, @paeliae-occasionally, @an-indecisive-nerd, @thecomfywriter

@seastarblue, @wyked-ao3

(Anyone else who wants to get added can tell me in the comments, pm me, or send me an ask about it!)

[afvall]

whumptober day 7! magic with a cost

Nate's powers do an oopsie, leading to his T.O. getting his flesh as a treat about it! Then him and Wade do gay stuff or something i dont know don't ask me

setting vague because whenever i read a comic all the info i absorb just drops out my ass

--

It pours, man, it pours

--

A thin, metal vein reached across Nathan’s chest from his left shoulder, skin surrounding it blushing a soft red, like flowers in the spring. His reflection in his bedroom’s full body mirror traced its fingers around the intrusion, a sharp pain crashing across his nerves then dulling as he continued the contact along its length. He’d been reckless today, disobeying the tactical and philosophical lessons he’d been taught for his whole life, ever since he was a young child, throwing caution to the wind when Wade had been put in a compromising situation in battle, he didn’t even think about using his psionic powers before they’d neutralised the enemy and gotten Wade to safety. And it was strange, they’d functioned without his command, without any effort even, and mulling it over afterwards, he’d realised it was honestly a bit scary. Without any guidance from him, like his T.O., like how it consumed him devoid of any conscious thought or motivation other than simply to devour. And now, caressing the metal tendril trails across his chest, he’d seen that that unintentional usage of his telekinesis for reasons other than strictly controlling the disease consuming him had let it inch further into his body, and it wouldn’t retreat this time.

This couldn’t happen again. Like an animal, he’d acted without upper thought to ‘save’ Wade, of course, helping out Wade was a good thing, but not when he was without a plan and directionless. Nathan was a master of his mind and body, he’d been in his head his whole life, he knew the ins and outs of himself, he couldn’t understand why his powers, not him, reacted like that to Wade in danger. Of course, he and Wade were close, closer than friends, but to act with reckless abandon to save him in a situation which Wade was most likely competent enough to save himself from? Nate wanted to lock himself in a room to meditate and train for a month straight, and realistically, that wasn’t too out of the question for him. A knock wrapped on the door, Nathan hesitating before he opened it telekinetically. Wade was behind it, waltzing up towards Nate, who also then had to shut the door behind Wade, as the merc either forgot to or didn’t care.

“Can you not ask whatever you need to ask from the door?” Nate asked, hands now at his sides.

“If you didn’t want me in your room so bad, why did you let me in and then shut the door behind me?” Nate didn’t know, much like how he didn’t know why his powers had slipped from his control earlier. “Admiring your awesome tits, priscilla?” Nate feared if Wade gave him a headache with his useless prattling, in that oddly satisfying Demi Moore voice, it would happen again. He sighed and rubbed his temples, shaking his head disapprovingly.

“Where have all your snarky quips gone, Nate?? Usually it takes me a bit more effort to get you to exasperated sighs! Hey, is that metacle, metal tentacle for those not in the know, new, or am I right to not trust my memories?” Wade spoke like how most people thought, in long, semi-senseless sentences, changing topics as he so wished.

“It got a hold on me while I was helping you out on the mission earlier, using my telekinesis…” Nathan wondered how to continue before Wade spoke anyhow.

“Why are you being so vague about it? I can’t believe it’d be because the author has barely read your comics and doesn't know how to be more specific without more research than they’re willing to do right now, I'd never forgive them! And, weren’t you only saving my ass for a second? How’s it already made purchase on you? How come you couldn’t y’know… multitask controlling the T.O. and using your TK like you usually do? Ooo, I love these exposition lead-up questions! Reminds me of all the lovely numbered questions in Cable & Deadpool, sent in by our adoring fans, Nate!” Wade prattled on with no end.

“The T.O. is vicious Wade, it would consume me rapidly without my powers to stave it off. I believe, as I've aged, and it has grown alongside me and gotten used to me and my powers, it’d kill me in minutes. I didn’t think about using my telekinesis, either, it simply took action on its own accord, and didn’t have my guidance keeping it on top of the virus as well.” Nate answered the numbered questions in a numbered fashion.

“Nathan Dayspring Askani’Son Christopher Cable Soldier X Summers not thinking? Does this mean we’ve gotta tag the ao3 upload as ‘OOC’?” Nate knew he’d regret asking what OOC meant, because inquiring into the majority of Wade’s made up words just lead into more confusion usually. He’d save it for another time.

“It was so strange, I didn’t even realise I’d done it for a second, I’ve always considered myself like, well… a well oiled machine, I’ve never felt a disconnect from my actions and mind, and i hate the feeling of it right now.” Nathan explained, looking at himself in the mirror instead of at Wade, 

“I fear that’s where we differ, but also, maybe even where I can help! Maybe all my neurotic behaviours and issues have been leeching off on you Nate, now we’re spending so much time together, but I have experience with feeling that… disconnect… unfortunately, I can't offer solutions, but I can offer coping methods! Not even the ones including pain and death. How about… Ben and Jerrys with some Netflix right now? That might soothe your T.O. aches.” Nathan skimmed Wade’s thoughts and understood a sense of worry, and an undeniable desire to help. He thought now that the fretted comment about his usual quips being absent from the conversation was genuine, and a weird feeling twisted in his chest and pooled in his stomach. Wade was worried about him, and wanted to help him, and it made Nate feel just as weird as the slip of his powers made him feel earlier today, yet in a far nicer way.

“That sounds… nice, thank you, Wade.”

[meyrinn-revery]

I was the handsome blond's eyes, and the voice of the orphan

Notes : This writing comes from my Hogwarts Legacy story We had it all available on Wattpad in English and French (Nous avions tout). Enjoy !

_________________________________________

Synopsis of the story : ' All my life I've been heading for hell, but never had I thought I'd drag you down as well ' - Sebastian Sallow

' They sold their hearts for diamonds and gold. I refuse to go down the same path as them. You and I have everything. ' -Omnis Gaunt

❗Warning : Hogwarts Legacy game spoilers❗

Y/n is a young witch who entered Hogwarts in the 5th year, and who found her place among the Slytherins. Between her many outings to explore the surroundings of the castle, or her fights against poachers, giant spiders or even trolls, her year was eventful.

Ranrok now defeated, and Hogwarts saved from a disastrous fate, y/n must face new dilemmas : the death of her beloved professor Eleazar Fig; and her budding feelings for two of her closest friends, Omis Gaunt and Sebastian Sallow. Two handsome boys with tortured souls. They are the opposite of each other, but have one thing in common : their love for y/n.

The OWLs are fast approaching and the year is coming to an end. Y/n hopes somehow that her 6th year will go well. But between her mixed feelings, the responsibilities that will be entrusted to her at Hogwarts and the new threats that will hang over her and her friends, can she hope to one day find a peaceful and safe life ?

_________________________________________

Ominis Gaunt.

Our relationship started off very badly... He saw me as the girl who was going to cause trouble for his friend, the one who was going to lead him to the wrong side and influence each of his choices.

He didn't suspect for a single second that the problem wouldn't come from me, but from Sebastian.

Where Ominis thought I would be the leader, I was actually the follower. Where he thought I could help them, I only pushed them deeper.

Neither white nor black, I was only gray throughout the conflict...

What was my job ? Persuade Ominis and gain his trust, so that Sebastian can achieve his goals without incident.

I made promises that I couldn't keep. I tried, then failed miserably.

I was the handsome blond's eyes, reporting to him the strange and dangerous practices in which his friend indulged, of which he had not spoken a word.

I was the voice of the orphan, his words and thoughts passed through my lips and tightened my throat with every syllable, every lie I told to the heir of the great Salazar Slytherin.

I played the role of the person to refer to; the shoulder on which, over time, rests an increasingly heavy weight that we seek to balance at all costs.

They were both begging for my help, but for radically opposite reasons.

I moved neither in the light nor in the darkness. I was constantly walking on a thin, loosely stretched rope that frayed as I moved forward.

From peace came discord; from joy only came sorrow; and the will to help and do good has finally disappeared, leaving behind a trail of dust that I am desperately trying to wipe away.

When my relationship was evolving with one, the other was not around; and the day the first decided to leave, the second took his place.

A place constantly occupied by a different person, a place assigned to those who want it and think they can handle the responsibilities assigned to it.

We all had difficult childhoods, marked by family problems, internal conflicts and an unbearable inability to defend ourselves.

Sebastian lost his parents at a very young age, which led him to live with a man who had little interest in him. Unconsciously, life forced him to grow and mature too quickly. Everything he knows, he learned it of his own free will. No one gave him any help.

I grew up in the gloomy environment in which Purebloods live, evaluating the value of each person, each thing that crossed my visual field.

I have not known the tender kisses that mothers place on the forehead of their child before he falls asleep; I don't know what it feels like to be complimented by your parents; or what the discussions a harmonious family shares around the dinner table look like.

My parents didn't hit me, they didn't insult me ​​or put me down. They prepared me for the life I was supposed to have later, the one I always tried to avoid. They gave me a taste of the world I should have encountered, the population I should have encountered.

They just weren't cut out to be parents. Or at least parents of a girl like me.

But sometimes I feel like thanking them. The world is cold and unkind, but the shock is less important to me.

Maybe if they had never done this, I wouldn't be as strong and resilient as I am now.

My journey has some similarities to that of Ominis. An odious family, a title we refuse to bear, a heavy past anchored in our memories...

Even if our childhoods are similar, I cannot imagine what he experienced, and is still experiencing today, in the same way that he cannot understand what I felt every time my parents' gaze fell on me.

I never spoke to him about my past life, just like he always remains reserved when someone asks him questions about his.

But I want to learn more about him, to be the one he wants to confide in. The person he can rely on, and who will never drag him down.

Ominis Gaunt. Our relationship started off very badly, but grew stronger and closer over time. And my heart cannot bear my lack of knowledge about him.

I need to know... Why does the snake sign displease him so much ? Why does the seal that represents his family’s coat of arms disgust him ? What role does he play in his lineage ? What future is in store for him...

' Ominis, who is this letter from ? '

' From my parents... '

[ratwife77]

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death Relationships: Johnny Cade & Ponyboy Curtis & Dallas Winston Characters: Johnny Cade, Johnny Cade's Mother, Johnny Cade's Father, Dallas Winston, Cherry Valance, Ponyboy Curtis, Two-Bit Mathews, Darrel "Darry" Curtis Jr., Sodapop Curtis, Steve Randle, Bob Sheldon Additional Tags: relationships up to interpretation, Johnny’s perspective, rewrite of canon, Angst, Suicidal Ideation, suicide by cop, Fire Summary:

Snippet: The cold night air was frigid, and I was frozen in place, breathing heavily as my heart raced. Tasting the blood from the last time I saw those rings, my head spun and my eyes widened. With only one thing to do, I slouched, stiffening completely in preparation for whatever could happen. Two-Bit was running his mouth, and I prepared to back him up, steadying myself. I felt the cold metal of my switchblade, and I knew that I would never be hurt like that again. Soon, Cherry left with them, leaving us behind. Pony was silent, but I reckon something was on his mind; it was what was on both of ours. That guy.. he was it. Soon enough, Two-Bit filled the uneasy silence, but he left quickly, looking for a poker game or the like. Pony and I gazed at the stars, and I blew smoke upward to the twinkling sky, my cigarette aglow with a flame that provided little warmth with the brisk breeze battering us. Feeling the grass under me and looking towards the sky, I thought about everything. Was it even worth going on?

[lysatoru]

Geto Suguru - Twin Flames

cw : ANGST, doesn’t really follow the jjk plot

tw : mention of suicide, death, mention of anxiety/panick attack, toxic relationship

Twin flames are the result of the splitting of a single soul.

I had found my twin flame, the flame that destroyed and healed me day by day. He was my blessing and my curse, my success and my failure, he was me and I was him. He was the other side of my soul. Our souls became one. Geto Suguru, you were my other half.

We met one night in a bar. He was with his friends and I was with mine. Our eyes met and we never took our eyes off each other again. It wasn't love at first sight, I'd felt another sensation, much stronger, of immeasurable energetic intensity. I could feel it, my entity was complete and balanced thanks to him. He was the masculine, aggressive, nervous part of me, while I was the feminine, gentle part of him. There was no need for words, we just knew that we were connected. Our souls communicated and danced. He was me.

Our story began that famous evening, the night we came together for life and death. The love and the wounds only grew. Suguru wanted to be me at all costs, he felt the need, his love was suffocating, but I needed it to live. I was afraid, afraid of so much love, and all I could think about was running away from it. I used to adapt to the people I met. Knowing that someone could see through all that and knew me better than I knew myself scared me.

I felt as if I'd known him all my life, because in the end, we were each other. Our souls became one, growing and maturing with us. To be honest, the relationship was devastating for both him and me. Emotionally, I'll never get over it. We hurt each other psychologically on purpose to see who could hurt the other the hardest. We couldn't stay apart for more than two days, it was insurmountable. I felt like my whole being was leaving with him and I wasn't myself anymore. I needed him like I needed no one else.

Suguru was ready to sacrifice himself for me,

and he did.

He knew that the relationship was toxic, it was never healthy. But the separation was so destructive that we tried to stay together.

One evening, I was on the bus coming home from work. I caught myself in tachycardia, I was shaking, I couldn't breathe. In fact, I was having an panick attack, something had happened to Suguru. I got off at the next stop and ran on and on, shouting "Suguru". I cried and cried. I knew that Suguru had stayed at home that day and I had to get there. When I got to the front of his appartment, I was scared to open the door. Once in the living room, I saw him lying on the floor. His breathing had stopped and he had no pulse. There was a letter on the table, and I knew immediately. He had committed suicide. I picked up the letter, my tears wouldn't stop, my hands were shaking and I found myself unable to breathe.

"Thank you for crossing my path, you're everything that's most important to me, unfortunately you and I both know that love isn't enough in this kind of relationship. You were me and I saw you suffering, it was unbearable. I didn't want to go through your abandonment a second time. By doing that, I saved myself, I saved us."

I had just lost my soul. He was my blessing as well as my curse, he was my success as well as my failure, he was me and I was him. He was the other part of my soul. Our souls became one. Geto Suguru, you were my other half. When I lost Suguru, I died with my eyes open.

A few days later, I found myself at the funeral of my other half, my one and only. After the ceremony, I stood for hours in front of his grave, wondering "what have I done?" .

A hand came to rest on my shoulder and the man next to me said that love is the most twisted curse of them all.

Hi! first post here, english isn’t my first language so i use google traduction to help me, if there are any grammatical errors i’m sorry!!

i don’t really know how tumblr works but you can reblog and comment i you liked it!

[zermizomilk]

If it cost me my life, man, I'd save my only friend That's something I could live with I could take that 'til the end

Should I do it? (Yeah!) Screw it! (Yeah!) Prove it! (Yeah!)

God damnit Zerm you have infected my brain with these songs x3 /pos

YIPPEE

[bonnieisaway]

why did i not think of this before? why did this take me so long to think of? i've been editing this show for well over a year now and it onyl just occured to me to do this?? ive adored this song for ages?? im always looking for excuses to edit this scene and i JUST fucking thought of this?>!?!?!?????????????

anyways. if it cost me my life man i'd save my only friend. that's something i could live with. i could take that to the end. if it cost my my life i'd save my only friend!!!

[definitelynotleo]

lil smthn i wrote last summer, hope u like :)

Daylight

for Adeline, my only true love...

I didn't think I'd remember her, but here I am. It's been almost 15 years and I'm writing about her. My wife took the kids out to the park so I'm here by myself. Although, I've almost convinced myself that the girl im writing this about is sitting in the chair across from me. Her golden hair blowing in the faint summer breeze, her blue eyes glancing at me ever so often, and her mouth; pink lips pursed, always teasing to let go of her laugh. And oh, that laugh. It was enough to make any man melt at the sound. Especially me. I was a slave to her and I would have done anything to please her.

We met in the summer and I was only nineteen. My first year of college had just ended and I was young and oh so eager to get on with my life. I met her when I went to a party with all my friends, except she wasn't at the party. I had been drinking and getting high when I stumbled out of the house and collapsed on the grass outside. My friends had always bullied me for being a lightweight and that night I had had too much of everything. She was standing on the balcony of a house across from me when she saw me fall. I blacked out but when I awoke I saw her leaning over me. I asked what was happening and she smiled down at me. At that moment I didn't care what was happening, I just wanted to make her smile again. The horizon was getting brighter as the dawn crept on and I listened to her voice tell me what had gone on. She told me that when she saw me collapse, she was worried and had rushed over. Apparently I was babbling incoherently and she somehow found that cute. She got someone from the party to carry me over to her porch where she lay with me until I sobered up.

We kept meeting up after that. I don't know why or how, but she kept wanting to see me. And who was I to say no to someone like Adeline? That was her name. Adeline. I hear it in the wind, in my dreams. I hear her name in everything. That summer everything moved so fast. She was telling me she loved me barely a week in. She had planned our wedding, and I fell hard for her. A month in and she was asking me to marry her. Adeline brought it up every day, asking me when I was going to propose. I always laughed it off because I thought she was joking. But one day she grabbed my hands while we sat under a large tree at a nearby park. She looked into my eyes and whispered, "Just ask me. Ask me to marry you."

We stared at eachother for what seemed an eternity. Suddenly she burst into a fit of laughter and I was convinced. It's amazing what she could accomplish with that laugh. After I left the park, I went and bought a diamond ring. And every time we met up after that I brought it with me. I tried so hard to work up the courage to ask her but I wasn't able to. For two months I had the ring. And then, in late August, I did. I took her to some expensive restaurant, I can't even remember what it was called now, and showed her the ring. It had cost me my life savings but that didn't matter then. All I wanted was to see her smile. But when I held it out and asked the question, she just stared at me. She didn't even glance at the ring. Adeline just looked at me with an expression that seemed to be a mix of disgust, pity, and sheer bewilderment. Then she laughed. But this time it didn't make me feel better. It almost felt cruel. Then she stood up and, without a word, walked away.

I don't know how long I sat there, barely breathing. Eventually, I shakily stood up, paid the bill, and left the building. I walked and walked until I found myself standing in front of the large tree me and Adeline used to sit under. I stood for awhile, gazing at it. Then an icy breeze blew and a few yellowed leaves fell from the tree. Summer was over.

[daydream-comet]

A REALLY MESSY ANALYSIS OF THE CAVE SCENE IN THE BSB MOVIE. 

So HI. YOU PROBABLY KNOW ME. COMET IS KNOWN TO YOU, OTHERWISE HOW COULD YOU GET YOUR HANDS ON THIS. Anywayyys welcome to this messy analysis thingy. I have social anxiety and I make a fool of myself on a daily basis. Enjoy.

So lets just uh kick in to the main scene shall we. Apologies if I switch between dub and sub names.

Also the reason why most of the images are in collages is because. The original google doc was indeed so big. I have far surpassed the image limit. Which is also why like pictures sometimes look out of place compared to the doc. But hey. Atleast they're there.

There is just something about this scene that hits me. Lets look at it like this, Tyson is all alone In a cave, trapped. His lifelong companion is sealed. The world is literally ending. His friends are probably trying to break him free. But in that moment tyson is truly alone, chasing after what seems like a lost cause.

And like tyson is literally just. Talking to dragoon not knowing if his voice is even reaching the other side. Like. He's basically just talking to himself in a sense. He's DESPERATE.

Its like talking to someone who is in a coma, someone really close to you, someone you are just about to lose forever...

You don't know if they can hear you

If they know youre there for them

Standing by their side till the end

"When a story is about to end, we'll always reminisce about its beginning." (Honkai 3rd Graduation Trip animated short reference yes. I'm still recovering. Kiana come backk)

Tyson's words show him doing exactly that

A part of him knows there's a chance that this is probably gonna be the end for both of them

Won't you think of all that you've been through together at that time? Wouldn't you wish to enter whatever realm the dead go to together with that one person who was always there for you from the beginning of your journey?

Now heres the elephant in the room. Or whatever the saying goes like.

Just. Look at him. Dirty, defeated, trapped but still persevering. 

We humans will do whatever it takes to save our loved ones

Even if it costs our life. 

Dragoon was the reason tyson became who he is, so in that moment when dragoon is literally in a fate worse than death (there's a reason solitary confinement renders prisoners mad yk)  and tyson will probably die too if he stays trapped in that cave (he has no food and water?? The cave is unstable?? There are creatures destroying the world outside?? His friends are probably as helpless as him?? How are you going to open a cave? With your bare hands and plastic spinning tops??) it's only natural for him to at least try. 

Drop all logical conclusions, just make a crazy move  and hope for the best or die trying. 

In shorter words, desperation and hope, pessimism and optimism clashing against each other in a battle for survival.

The situation is out of your control, all you can do is hope for the best and that your actions are not in vain.

Tyson repeatedly hitting the wall, trying to break it, which he knows isn't possible but still going on despite being physically exhausted. If that is not desperation, I don't know what is.

It hurts to see him in this state. How….helpless and hopeless and scary  the situation must've been for a kid like him. I'd legit be crying by now. and the fact that he knows everything depends on whether they make it out or not. Like, shit, man thats…..thats too much even for an adult. We've seen adults break down from that kind of pressure and yet this kid is still standing tall despite the fact that it's taking a toll on him as well.

Like. Just. Wow. I have few words to explain this but I tried to my best efforts.

"We humans will do whatever it takes to save our loved ones

Even if it costs our life

Dragoon was the reason tyson became who he is, so in that moment when dragoon is literally in a fate worse than death and tyson will probably die too if he stays trapped in that cave, its only natural for him to at least try"

my earlier message is brought up here again.

Its a "we will either rise or go down, together" Because, this time, its dragoon who is the one needing saving, and its tyson who is fighting for him. 

And despite there being nothing much tyson can do with the resources around him being just rocks, he still keeps on trying. 

(This is the part where I start to tear up btw) (<--- a note I made when writing the og google doc. Rn I'm wearing headphones blasting the sonic frontiers boss themes in an attempt to calm myself down. This is the third time im doing this after tumblr screwed with me. Its therapeutic. Please proceed and ignore this)

Update. Would you believe me if i said that i missed something in the original post, which I noticed after like watching the movie for the third time but. I WAS RIGHT DRAGOON WAS AWARE AND WATCHING THE WHOLE TIME. YEAHH I'M NOT FULLY DELUSIONAL LETS GOO.

That and remember how I mentioned that tyson must be been exhausted af but still kept on going? Yea. Look at the height he fell from. The dust cloud too. And his scream as he stumbles down (it sounds different that a normal comedic scream we hear takao usually do. Motoko Kumai nailed this scene fr).

This line here said by dark dragoon…

I think its obvious that they, the bladers ofc, have some kind of soul-connection or whatever with their sacred beasts (also my do ppl ignore the major lore drops in the movie??)

Like we see that if a bit beast gets hurt during battle, the blader also feels some amount of pain or exhaustion as well to a certain degree (tyson getting a cut on his cheek during his battle with kane, few selective battles from grev and s1 etc.)

And the fact that the blader's emotions influence the beast as well (look at tyson and ralf's first battle. Tyson feeling fear affects dragoon too. And how dragoon said that as long as tyson had hope he'll always keep fighting in their battle against Tala)

And its no doubt that tyson and dragoon have one of the most unique dynamics in the show

Like, he's pretty much the only blader that proclaimed his sacred beast as his sworn brother TWICE (once in s1 in the ralf vs tyson rematch and once in the movie when he gets out of the cave and like dreamscape-like sequence with dark dragoon talking in tyson's mind)

And the fact like when the cave is collapsing and like boulders are falling everywhere tyson doesn't?? React to it at all??? He was just. Standing there. Looking at the wall. Like. He was in shock or like he was stunned and trying to process it. It goes to a point where Max has to approach him and tell him to get the hell outta here, which Tyson understandably refuses to do, and push him aside when a boulder was about to fall on them??? And then Max had to leave the cave but Takao didn't follow him??? Like Takao didn't care to go out without dragoon??? And like after a scene skip when we see Takao again and he's just. Talking to dragoon as shown above and. Do you just think like. During that time he was calming himself down. Like. Taking the time to process what the hell just happened. And figure out a way to get himself and dragoon out safely. 

Something I noticed after like writing the initial document. Takao blames himself for what happened to dragoon. Saying it was all his fault. When it's actually not. Like I'd say the movie is one of those situations where takao really has no involvement or relation with its ignition and was acting fairly maturely. And no takao hurrying to rescue daichi was not a bad decision. In fact if takao had been late things would've gotten worse. Takao understood the need to act fast and acted on that.

Anyways back to the initial scene

After all that desperation, all that fighting, one eventually burns out.

Tyson knew it wasn't possible for him alone to do it, but he still tired.

And ultimately It didn't work out 

Its like he went from shock to denial to persistence to desperation to acceptance

And defeat

Because he failed to protect the person he had sworn to.

(YET. this is me grabbing the plot by its collar and going "no actually")

WEPL UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THIS. OUR CHAMPS GOT UP. THEY AIN'T GOING DOWN. NOT TODAY BABES.

And then theres the climax of all the buildup that has happened.

Tyson's emotions and actions got through to the seal to dragoon without him knowing.

"I think its obvious that they have some kind of soul-connection with their sacred beasts"

Tyson's emotions and actions encouraged dragoon to fight back,

And in the end

They finally managed to pull it off

After so many failed attempts, so many obstacles and so many hardships, they finally managed to pull the rescue off.

Together.

 (FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC BITCHES *PULLS OUT A LOADED SHOTGUN*)

also remember how dragoon said that as long as tyson had hope dragon would still keep on fighting? Welp. Looks like, even in defeat and what was basically a dead end, Tyson still held hope that maybe, just maybe, things would get better (he's just a CHILD y'all). That and DRAGOON SPOKE EVERYONE STAND UP. and do you realize that. All that time when Tyson was talking in his most vulnerable state ever. Dragoon was LISTENING despite them both being separated by this wall. Dragoon was aware of everything, of what was happening, of what tyson was going through all along. They're like two halves of a whole, they're not. Complete without eachother. They need eachother. They're like platonic soulmates.

This is probably a stretch but. This entire doc is basically me saying stuff that does or doesn't make sense. Anyways I like had a conversation with someone once where i mentioned that if you remove the t and o from 'takao' you get 'aka' which means 'red' (bakuten shoot is filled with name puns in the jp ver anyways)

Tyson's clothing is a mixture of mostly red with blue and yellow. In that conversation I mentioned that blue represents dragoon and his connection with tyson while red represents tyson himself.

And like in the first episode of vforce when during his first battle with ozuma tyson was failing to summon dragoon, he had a reddish tint in the dreamscape-like scene.

Compare this to the movie's dreamscape-like sequence, tyson has a bluish tint there. And guess who's there with him by his side? Yep, dragoon.

In that moment when the entire wall shatters and dragoon breaks free and returns to his blade, The blade turns from white to red.

White usually represents a blank state, A clear canvas.

The blade turning red might be symbolism of the breakthrough, being tyson's efforts help dragoon fight back.

A sign of trust, Of companionship, Of brotherhood.

And that in the end is what helped them save the day once again <3

Also like. This scene when like they all reseal the dark beasts and like the island collapses and they all jump into the boat and watch it all sink. We all can see that they all have different reactions to it but like. Can we all just acknowledge takao's expression here compared to everyone else. That blank-eyed trance-like resigned stare he gives? While everyone else is giving either surprised or wary looks? And like you can see hiromi's hand on takao's shoulder and how she looks….concerned for him? Again this might be my eyes playing tricks or another stretch but it almost as if she was supporting him to stand or like comforting him? Either way yea that look hides a lot of depth. Rare times vforce animation excels with the 'show don't tell' expressions. And how he acts like normal after daichi arrives there on another boat. It's like he's either a great actor or daichi's presence helped him snap out of it.

Okay so now we come to the end of whatever this was. Note that this is just my interpretation of the scene, it might or might not be accurate and most of it is just analysing and speculation, so like no need to treat it like a bible or whatever. Hope you enjoyed this and bye. Comet out. Peaceee.

[jiginese]

[ If it cost me my life man I'd save my only friend

That's something I could live with

I could take that 'til the end ]

inspired off an rp as well as lyrics from Brittle Bones Nicky

I fixed some things that were bothering me, this is technically a repost

TW for blood on image beneath the cut

i amuse myself

go listen to Rare Americans

[dogfags]

blah blah journaling here bc my laptop still don't work

this week has been super stressful but my car is finally working again and it didn't cost as much as I thought. Chris and I had a little trial run of us living together bc he had to stay for a week to drive me around everywhere (bless him). praying he gets this job he just interviewed for so he can move in asap. and yes I have hangups about moving in with yet another partner after not dating for a total year but like 😭 dude idk how anybody can afford to live on their own. me and Tara can't make rent with just the 2 of us and it'd be really nice to be able to save some money. and after my car broke down I for sure couldn't afford to split the house bills 50/50. it was Tara's idea to invite Chris otherwise I never would have suggested it. and we both have our weird feelings and fears about it, to a healthy degree I'd say. I mean idk. my attitude rn is kinda like, I think I've already been through the worst it could possibly get with moving in with a partner? like there's no way it could be worse than That, even if we do break up. we have our own separate spaces also which was the only saving grace me and my ex had after we broke up so that's good. but I also just don't rly see things going so poorly. I mean idk. u never rly know somebody. but Chris just SEEMS different and has actually told me he wants to marry me and be with me forever etc. he is a more open and honest communicator than anyone else I've ever dated. won't be like my ex where he went off and binged a bunch of drugs then lied to me about it, bought a gun and brought it into our house, cheated on me, broke up w me then threatened me with suicide when I decided to move on. like actually fucking crazy person type shit. I can't believe I put up with so much in my last relationship. literally a nightmare. and I can't believe ppl were blaming ME for all that shit 😭 idfk dude. I'm so glad to be out of that situation and living my life now. as stressful as it is rn with school and work I'm still so much better off than I was. Chris is actually a huge sweetheart and shows me affection and loves me in the ways I need to be. and spends time with me. and talks to me lol. like I'm Sorry but after talking over all this with my therapist for so long I've kinda come to the conclusion that none of that shit was my fault. it sucks that some ppl got caught in the crossfire but again it wasn't my fault. I'll take ownership of going back on my word by sleeping w somebody at the house. that was shitty but also? maybe don't cheat on me and lie to me the entire relationship and I'd actually gaf 😭 he got his stupid little "revenge" for that anyway lmfao. I just fr cannot believe the shit I've been through with the awful awful people I've dated.

in an ideal world Chris and I could live on our own for a bit before we move in together but the job market is fucked, the housing market is fucked, and neither of us could rly afford to do that. sooo we just gunna have to move in together. and I was rly reluctant at first but everyone I've talked to has been super in support of it bc he's just such a good guy. plus we've been friends for a few years anyway so it's not like I started dating this stranger then he moved in. we used to talk semi regularly in college. would have hung out if I ever had time.

for a second I was worried I'm like, a bad person who does horrible things and I Have made bad choices don't get me wrong but like. I'm not evil or irredeemable. I have all these friends now who actually love me?? and I made them myself? wild. also quite literally everyone I've talked to about the past events have been like ya dude ur a victim 😭 I feel more guilty about the shit that happened w Friday than I do w my recent ex. bc some of that was objectively my fault bc I was in such a horrible manic episode I was acting crazy. they did kinda SA me but like. idk man. I'm insane sometimes.

the whole thing with that friend saying that "my stress is not their problem" kinda just. idk. idk if we will ever rly be close again. they kind of refused to apologize for anything they said to me or for screwing me over in housing. plus all the shitty posts they made about me. like idk. we talked it over irl and like kinda made up? but I still don't think she ever even said she's sorry lol. and for months I blamed myself for my ex being suicidal bc of all that. until my therapist and I went over it again and again and I've kinda just realized none of that was rly my fault. if anything staying with my ex after the first incident was my mistake. but I felt rly trapped bc we lived together. that's what is so hard about living with a partner especially when you haven't been with them super long. like idk. I have a good feeling abt Chris. I genuinely do want to spend my life with him. I never rly felt that way abt my ex. even when they were moving in I was like ya this is fine/fun for now. but I never felt like my ex was my soulmate or anything. not that I rly believe in that shit. but Chris and I just connect and get each other on a different level. it's the first time I've ever rly felt truly understood by someone.

the things I feel guilty for are more like, I feel guilty for staying with the people who hurt me even after I've already accepted in my mind that they aren't the one. and I do that bc I'm scared of being alone and scared of confronting myself and the reality that it's not a perfect love story or whatever. and my ex did try to fucking. reel me back in after we broke up and keep me there but not fully there. but I removed him from my life after I had had enough and I am proud of myself for that. I don't need someone like that in my life, even as a friend. wishing the best for u but I don't want to be there to see it. after Friday SAd me I should have just ended it but again I stayed bc I was scared. and what I feel most shame for is manically scrounging up a plan to break up without actually breaking up and then making a fool of myself by "proposing" like God that's just so embarrassing lol. but idk like my therapist said I can't fully blame myself for the decisions I make when I'm in a manic episode bc that's just straight up Not Me. like part of the diagnostic criteria for a manic episode is making choices you would not otherwise make. I'm not crazy. I was just deeply traumatized and triggered and couldn't find a way out of it. then ofc they tried to screw me over in every way possible. I make bad choices in people I date. and I look back and I'm like, but if I'm the common denominator of all these people I dated, aren't I the shitty one?? like surely I pushed these people to madness right lol like they weren't bad people they just became corrupted bc I forced them into craziness. idkkkk my therapist also says I can't look at it like that. and that people with lifelong CPTSD often end up in abusive relationships bc of trauma and patterns and shit. so. there's that

while I am wary of possibly repeating my shitty patterns I also just have a good feeling about Chris. I'm at a point in my life where I'm done dating "for fun" like I actually want to find someone to spend my life with now. and I think he could be it. like idk people are like "when u know u know" and I just Know with him. he's such a good person, basically everything I've ever wanted out of a partner. he's smart as fuck and creative and interesting and sweet and loves my friends and has a lot of his own friends and we have similar ways of thinking and want the same things out of life. same lifestyles and same plans for our futures. he's highly emotionally intelligent and I feel like he'd never lie to me. I can trust him. he's always there for me. he's very helpful and never complains about helping me. he helps without even being asked. like mans fr just did our dishes. and I KNOW THE BAR IS IN HELL but fr lmao. I was a little apprehensive at first about dating, and I'm a little apprehensive about moving in together, but my gut says this is right and will help us both out a lot financially. and emotionally tbh.

so yea those are my updates. hopefully he gets this job and then can move in in September. and then I just have 6 months of school left. it feels like I have to grind forever for the rest of my life but it won't be forever. I just gotta get through this and it'll all be worth it. blaaaghdjdnns

[quasistarjudgement]

have the lines from brittle bones nicky stuck in my head that go "if it cost me my life man i'd save my only friend / that's somethin i could live with i would take that to the end"