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cloudycrystalkpop · 4 years ago

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SMOKY | Hell Below

Blind! Prince! Mingi x [unstated skin deformity] fem! reader

Words: 2k+

Warnings: self harm, possessiveness, demonic interaction

au: crown royal au | moodboard

series masterlist: SMOKY

Seonghwa paced back and forth in front of your door. He was placed on guard duty this evening and it was slowly torturing him.

Normally he would never complain, more than happy to forgo his own rest to know that his princess slept safe and sound. However, he was very aware that at the moment, his princess was not sleeping at all.

He gritted his teeth as he heard your voice moan out a name in pleasure. The name of your husband. A name that wasnt his.

Seonghwa squared his shoulders. He had made you a promise, one a very very long time ago.

When he was the man having you sing such pretty praises. When he wrote his name in calligraphy with his tongue between your thighs.

A promise he painted into your skin, one very late night. Kissing every patch that made you shy. Every inch that your family frowned upon. Every piece you had ever wanted to burn off.

"I will protect you, until the day my heart stops beating, And surely even after."

he is more than just a knight. No, after holding you, bare as the day you were born, shaking in his arms. After the words of hate and disgust at the case your very soul lived in, at watching you take blades to try and peel the unwanted flesh away, he would never ever let you hurt yourself again.

He would never abandon you, even if you took his heart right out of his chest, it was always yours anyway.

Seonghwa held his head in his hands. He was always yours anyway.

"They sure are loud huh?" Seonghwa jumped and reached for the sword on his belt at the voice.

"Sorry, bad night?" Hongjoong asked, standing before the heartbroken man.

"Yeah just, stuck in my own head." Seonghwa admitted. The other man nodded, scanning him with curious eyes.

"You and your princess sure are, close." he stated. The words curled on his tongue, watching Seonghwa flitched as the sound of a high pitched groan came from the lover's room.

"We... Used to be." he replied.

"I see. Makes sense why youre not so fond of that Duke." he quirked an eyebrow, a sly grin pulling at his features. "Hey, you wanna know a secret~" the man purred.

"Not tonight Hongjoong. Im not in the mood for your teasing." Seonghwa frownd.

"Hmm~ if you say so." his smile pulled into a playful childlike one, before Hongjoong skipped off down the hall, leaving Seonghwa alone with his thoughts once more.

Hongjoong purred to himself as he glanced over his shoulder as the knight stood at the lovers door. Lust is a very powerful tool in his bag of tricks, one that, it looks like, will do him very, very well.

you spent your days now often with Yeosang, his experience and wisdom helping you greatly in easing your nerves. he told you many stories, explained much about the kingdom you had never dared to venture around in.

whenever you did leave your family's estate, it was always with Seonghwa as your loyal guard. a long veil to hide you away from the world, or heaven forbid you simply, existing taint your family name.

you remembered the day The King died. he was an old man, had been sick for years. while not beloved by his people, he was well respected, and yet. when he passed, no one knew anything about him. there was no mourning, for there was no loss.

The Queen had fully stepped into power then, ten years younger than her husband she was more than capable of leading. and so it had been since your early teens. The Queen was now however, ready to pass her power, rather than see it out live her too, just like her husband.

and that, was where the crown prince and princess had come in. the pair lost at sea in a tragic shipwreck, the kingdom scrambling to find a new replacement. you and Mingi were nobles, sure. second rate royals even, your father once a prince, a second born. Mingi was next in line to become a Duke, chosen over Yeosang for your hand in marriage for, such a trivial reason. or so you thought.

“my family comes from the Valley, My Lady. Lord Mingi’s comes from the Sea.” Yeosang explained, an, almost forlorn look in his eye. “when yourself and your husband were married, it showed a joining of the land and the sea. loosening trade deals with other lands, its... business I'm afraid.”

“that’s all marriage is good for after all anyway. its just business.” you gazed off out the window, watching the roses sway in the morning breeze. the garden was beautiful, flowers in full bloom.

“I’m sorry you feel so my lady. but, you must admit how darling and romantic an idea it is.” Yeosang followed your gaze.

“to be married?” you wondered.

“the prince of the sea, wed to the princess of the forest. and a man who cannot see, tied to a woman never allowed to be seen.” he hummed softly.

“sounds like a horrible tragedy of a play to me.” you shook your head, eyes falling to your lap. “I should have a word with the playwright.”

“would you have preferred a different ending?” Yeosang wondered, dropping his head down to force you to look him in the eye. you chuckled, watching the corners of his eyes crinkle in a smile.

“I haven't decided.” you answered. “...are the flowers in the valley in bloom this time of year?” you asked.

“oh yes. the wild flowers were always my favorite as a boy. my sisters and I used to go out and make crowns out of them.” his voice was soft, eyes far away. caught in a memory from boyhood.

“...will you take me there some time, Yeosang?” his gaze focused back on you once more.

“if you wish to see it My Lady.” he grinned. “I will braid you a crown so lovely the royal jewels will be jealous.”

“promise me?” your voice betrayed you. a crack of pain hidden away there.

such a very different ending you could have had. one where you could spend your life safe, hidden away from the judgment and piercing eyes your mother always frightened you of. flowers in your hair, children at your feet, a husband who could provide for your every need. free to play in the forest of your childhood. there was no judgment from the trees, nor would you find it in the open fields.

“you have my word... My Lady.”

but your life was no fairy tale. you were to be queen of a kingdom you barely knew. sure, you had a husband, a man to wear the title of “king”, but both you and Mingi knew, the queen is the most powerful piece on the board.

“My little Prince~” you called to the darkness of the room as you returned to your chambers for the evening. “Mingi?” you cooed once more, looking around for the tall man.

“we need to talk.” you nearly screamed, the voice was not your husband’s. upon turning on your heel, you came face to face with...

“Seonghwa! you nearly had me jump out of my skin!” you huffed, smacking the man on the side of his arm.

“hey! I'm sorry I scared you but, I'm serious.” he sighed, rubbing his arm.

“very well.” you huffed, seating yourself on the plush bed and waiting for his explanation. Seonghwa shuffled, changing his weight from one foot to the other, gaze fixed on the floor. “well? when did you become so awkward?”

“since I had to listen to you having sex for hours last night.” he growled. your ears glowed hot, but you choked the embarrassment down.

“I am sorry, I'm sure that was a bit.. uncomfortable-”

“you don’t get it do you, Princess.” he lifts his eyes to meet yours. “I love you.”

a lump forms in your throat. you do not move, only stare him down, unblinking, unreactive.

“I have been in love with you for almost five years now. I was the one who took your virginity, I was the one who held you when you cried, I was the only who protected you from the evils of this world. and I-” his voice cracked. Seonghwa, your loyal knight in shining armor, the one who had been by your side for the better half of your life, was in tears before you.

“I love you! I'd do anything for you! I've been with you since you were just a young girl! I've stood beside you through everything! and I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt me anymore!” his eyes sparkled with tears, cheeks damp and voice horse.

“... I-” you never got a chance to finish your thought as the door swung open once more.

Mingi stood in the doorway, blank eyes staring straight ahead of him, his face blank of any emotion.

“get. out. of. our. room.” never had you heard the intimidation in Mingi’s voice before. his voice rumbled deep in his chest, but his tone now, was that of a final, deadly warning.

Seonghwa stared at Mingi, shoulders taught, fists clenched. but he didn't say a word.

“...you are dismissed Seonghwa.” you finally broke the tense silence between the two man.

“as you wish, My Princess.” Seonghwa made his way towards the door, stepping past Mingi, only to be halted by said man shoving him against the wood, hard.

“if you dare, to even think of touching my wife, if even the thought of her in such context even passes your mind,” he growls. “I will have you executed for adultery.”

Mingi stepped away from a very shocked Seonghwa.

“she may be your Princess, but she will be your Queen. and never, for a moment forget, she will only be your queen, and she is my wife.” and with that he slammed the door shut.

Mingi developed a possessiveness over you, you must admit you didn’t expect. the once shy boy who could barely speak to you, now kept one hand on your person at all times you were together. when asked he said he preferred you guide him over a staff member. but you know by now Mingi knew this castle perfectly fine. he didn't need help or a guide anymore. he was lying.

he also got rather upset if you were left alone with another person too long, without himself or his chosen guard close by. his chosen guard? Hongjoong.

you woke one morning to find bruises so deep on your hips and chest they looked like black ink in the mirror. Mingi was marking you now. like you were something that belonged to him.

knowing who you needed to speak with, you snuck away one morning, before the sun rose. to find Hongjoong.

“your highness! what a pleasant surprise~” the handsome man cooed.

“may I speak with you? in private.” you glanced to the rest of the guard, Seonghwa the only one not meeting your gaze.

“oh? absolutely. please, come with me.” Hongjoong lead you out into the gardens, just as the first touches of dawn peeked over the skyline.

“alright creature. out with it. what have you done to the prince.” you growled, arms crossed as you glared at Hongjoong.

“such mean words from the ‘princess’ herself~” he smiled a grin, one a little too long and a little too wide for his face.

“why are you here?”

“what a stupid question! you already know that answer~ otherwise you wouldn’t have asked to speak to me, alone.”

“fine, who summoned you?”

Hongjoong chuckled, one in tone too deep for the voice he speaks with. “the dead king of course. but that was a long time ago you see.”

“speak to me truthfully creature, did you make a deal with Mingi?” you glared him down. while your experience with his kind was limited, you understood the one true weakness they had. they cannot directly lie.

Hongjoong grinned once more, that same unnatural once, the one that extended too far up his face, showing teeth a human man wouldn’t have. his eyes crinkled at the edges in the grin, the white parts of his eyes turning dark as a bruise.

“no.”

you held back a whimper at his voice. inhuman. demonic. bloodcurdling.

“...thank you. you are dismissed.” you blinked, and the man was back as he was. charming smile and handsome features glowing once again in the dawn.

“as you wish, your highness.” and with that, he walked back into the castle. leaving you alone in the garden, a ring of dead grass surrounding where the pair of you had stood.

#mingi x reader #smoky au #prince au #demon au #knight au #seonghwa x reader #yeosang x reader #Hongjoong x reader #mingi au #Seonghwa au #Yeosang au #Hongjoong au #Ateez x reader #Ateez au #Ateez sereis #mingi series #royal au #fantasy au

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pinksweatergettingbetter · 7 years ago

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alright so we’re back with chapter three - the Great Witch

i wonder how much of their memories Nick and Maya have actually recuperated

the whole thing seems a little dodgy...

“This bench looks like a torture tool– shall we try it out on you, Nick?”

why is Maya so bloodthirsty in the game?? i mean she’s mischievous, but...

ahhh their widdle walking sprites are so cuuuute!

hang on– is that a picture-picture of Barnham with his dog?? if so, that should raise a lot of questions...

also why is the only person who *doesnt* comment on the painting Phoenix? he’s the art major.

you know, ive seen plenty of Phoenix X Barnham, and Darklaw X Barnham, but I’ve never seen any Phoenix X Darklaw

i wonder why...

maybe Ive just never come across it

“Mr Wright, are you alright?”

(no response)

he's dead guys the fucking dog killed phoenix wright

luke: I can talk to animals maya: haha omg cool! phoenix, laying in a pool of his own blood: hurgle

wait did maya just call Barnham adorable by proxy

things layton likes: puzzles, stone lanterns

oh fuck i forgot about the puzzles

also what the FUCK muffet

Patty: I believe in your Phoenix

Phoenix, trying not to cry: cool cool cool

aww. its nice to have a moment to just talk about feelings, especially between the sidekicks.

...

...dont go into the forest you little fuckers

maya likes helms..??

“I used to come here with Nick. He’d carry the water pots, and I’d cheer him on!”

that reminds me, theres no plumbing. in fact, since its the middle ages, theres not even any outhouses. maya and phoenix have canonically shit in the streets

DOGS AND CATS, LIVING TOGETHER–

its 12:30 on a school night and I've spent over an hour trying to help a dog deliver mail

oh maya solved that one! thats the first AA solve of the game. ...er, to me.

i dont understand how piccarats work

like, the previous puzzle was 30 piccarats and it was ridiculously easy. this one’ twenty and ive already lost ten points

maybe its to do with how my brain works– the 30 one was a pattern/colour puzzle, and I'm an artist. this one’s about directions, and I'm ASS at directions.

darklaw what are you WEARING

you look like a skimpy medieval furry

seriously what is with the metal skirt on bare thighs

is that supposed to be comfy

man these backgrounds are so beautiful

why did she specifically tell Maya to be wary of witches

“You certainly both love your food. Personally, I’d just like a little more sleep...”

amen bro

oh fuck

Drosselmeyer wants to see Layton. dont let him brainwash ya!

“So this is the deathknell dungeon? Looks more like solitary confinement to me.”

considering the fact that she can see out the door, i doubt its solitary nick. solitary is a sealed box from hell.

Maya: you were just scared that nick would fuck up like always!! because he's an enormous fuck up haha!! Espella: i... no, i think he's really great

Phoenix: ...hey can i change assistants please

OH HO

CLIFF HANGER

one does not simply

visit the storyteller

“come to think of it, during that parade, the storyteller did seem to be held in high esteem by all the townsfolk...”

guys have you not realized that youre literally meeting god yet???

ah see Layton’s got it

c’mon luke keep up

pfft they think Layton’s a hatter

just wearing a tophat does not a hatter make

ah the knights garrison

this is where Chucky stopped playing on his second third-space save

I wonder why...

“And so the travellers finally arrived...”

yeah well first of all??? if you wanted me to get in there faster maybe dont make your door a fucking puzzle maybe

fuck you old man you aint shit

(btw i managed to solve it accidentally in the recommended 4 turns by pressing 3 random buttons and then realizing id somehow succeeded)

Storyteller: [farts suspiciously]

Storyteller: you guys are bad because you stopped me killing children

Layton:

“OOPS”

DUFLUS SHFLS

LUKE ITS OK

I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO BE MAD

Espella: it’s true... that the towns folk look at me in a different way

well for one thing youre a different art style than most of them without being anything usually associated with said art style

oh ok that i was not expecting

she’s,,, jesus???

Maya spitting truths here

wait hang on a second

first of all– “the great witch is just a character of myth” yeah well EVERYONE is a character, Espella

also, she says she came to live with Patty 5 years ago... which is also what Phoenix and Maya said

when their memories all got altered to include phoenix and maya, does that mean they like, had a whole growing-up-together for five years roster of memories?

13 y/o Espella and Maya meeting, bonding over stuff, wondering why only Maya had to make bread and Espella didnt

Phoenix–– hell, in the time frame, he’d be ‘Pheenie’ being their older brother. Acting like his 25 y/o self, or harkening back to those days and acting accordingly??

and how shitty it must’ve been when they realized none of it ever happened.

“Were these things... My memories?”

well probably not considering im pretty sure that tiny kid being flown over was you

i feel bad for nick’s... wherever is getting bitten, but this does lend credence to my headcanon that animals hate phoenix so

also the inquisitor office theme needs to chill the fuck out

“Exactly what are you doing over there on all fours”

dont do that

“He just sits back and lets his dog bite people, err... I mean, me”

he’s lucky nobody flips the fuck out and bites back. i suppose nobody would dare if they knew it was his dog, but still. not very responsible.

“Dr. Delduke” eh

well now

“He was no witch.” “Why?”

“HE was a man.”

( Welp, can’t argue with that. )

hey!!! equality to witches!! boys can be witches too!!

“Maya... can you get this mutt away from me? I can’t feel my leg.”

“Aww... So soon? I was hoping he’d use you as a blue chew toy just one more time.”

ok, seriously, what is UP with Maya? I can’t remember her ever being this violent in the original series. Like, she hit Nick over the head with the shichishito that one time, but she wasn’t constantly wishing harm on him??

as much as i appreciate seeing a tiny maya model i fucking hate the cloud puzzle fuck you for doubling up on it

oh i lucked into the answer awesome

this seems to be a running theme...

every time someone looks at the bell tower, they always comment on the bell never being heard. it must be foreshadowing.

wow Jean is very short

...also I'm calling it now, HE DID IT

hmm Greyerl’s voice actress is a little more noticeable than Luke’s...

also OH OK. the fucking bell tower just MANIFESTED OUT OF PURE FLAMES

THATS COOL

“He reacted in a moster peculiar way. Unlike others who saw it, he seemed unsettled, as if he was truly afraid of something”

oh i dunno, maybe the DEMON BELL TOWER???

Maya: only YOU can fuck up that badly, nick!

ok... genuinely, utterly, seriously, why is Maya so malicious in this game? She does tease Nick a lot throughout the series, but its usually in a more playful or goofy manner. A lot of the things she says in this game seem sort of unnecessary or weirdly hurtful... especially since phoenix hasn’t done much to warrant any of them.

hmm

well, I know what happens to Maya

but what the hell is he doing to Nick?

also I do hope there’s a reeeeeaaaaally good reason for all this...

layton flings out his arm to shut luke up skdgkafajkf

wait why did the owl bring them that

“Luke, my boy... We have the need... to rent a steed.”

LAYTON

oh and they fucking did

“You think that’s bad? You should see Nick try and do the laundry– Now that’s a major blunder!”

see that seems a little more in character somehow

especially since its something that seems like he would fail at.

still, weirdly insult heavy...

hey hey

100 coins

“in an alchemy sense”

shouldn’t that be an ‘alchemical’ sense?

“I guess you’re more suited to small, dark, damp places.”

is that a reference to the mushroom thing??

phoenix, in someone else’s abandoned basement: oh no their house plants are dying :( ill water them

this man??? is pure??

“Well well well. If it isn't a well.”

NICK

“Come to think of it... I haven’t noticed any plumbing here in Laborynthia.”

I WAS RIGHT

THEY SHIT IN THE STREETS

“As things stand, Mr. Wright is in serious danger!”

uh the story said Maya would die, not Phoenix. It said he’d be cursed, but Maya would be tried and burnt. You should probably be more worried about her...

great witch: sup guys I'm gonna fuck shit up

game: the following is too horrifying to look directly at; here, have some shenanigans with Luke and that other bard Bardly was complaining about.

“Birdly”

fuck you perhaps

WHY IS EMEER THERE

NOO

also hi Layton you’re looking a bit uh

a bit

...well this hardly makes any sense

doesn’t Layton appear not long after this? also, it’s easy enough to prove Maya’s not a witch; just hand her the staff and ask her to politely turn Layton back.

that or just cry on him real quick; worked for Ash

bweuuuhhh dont cry luke pls

luuuuke

its ok luke magic isn’t real luke

...though from what I’ve heard of your universe, someone could have used Science to turn him into gold and that could be totally real so

just

c’mon in for a hug lil guy

also see yuh all next time for part... four? i think?

#perusing pl vs aa #ooc

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qimranct-blog · 7 years ago

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oK SO WAKABA AS THE PERSON WORKING FOR SHIDO, this is really badly written for my entertainment btw so dont take my joke dialouge too seriously

Ok so I am still hammering this out and feel free to add your own pinion on how this can be better bc tbh i only played the game once when it first came out so my memory is foggy. Lets start form the beegining: wakaba is doing some cognitive pscience shit and making great progress, shes learning more about the cognitive world than she ever imagined shed be able to without the ability to enter it.

This research reaches shido in some way or another and hey that sounds exploitable lets talk pscience. Wakabas doing her thing and shidos just chillin, watching from the side lines in case anything good comes of that.

Some good comes of that, shes got some clues on things like personas, other worlds, random bull thats been going down with persona shit all this time. Shes making SERIOUS progress and shido wants in on this shit, he wants more progress, he want the persona user.

She has none for him, hes not having that shit

he does some digging into the background of people related to the research. some way or another he gets what he needs on forcing a persona onto a person who would other wise not have any, he insists wakaba try it. she could learn so much more if she could just enter the cognitive world and with her research she can do SO MUCH with a persona.

shes not buying that bull, shes got a daughter to worry about that she would rather not endanger by forcing a inner self demon creature into her fucking soul. Masayoshit shidont does not like this, hes an angry egg head. "ill break that 2+2 not knowing ass childs leg if you dont do it u fuckin assmunch. i m an ass hole LISTEN TO ME" and wakaba knowing damn well that technically he has the power to do that... tries to talk him out of that. THERES no need to go this far. hes going this far though so shes got a choice to make.

She starts reading up on how to give a person a persona. Its awful, its balls its the pits and theres no way shes forcing that on anyone. not a chance in hell. But shes got to do something for futabas sake. Shes gonna use herself as the subject for this.

but theres one thing that hits her, the persona will aboslutely try to kill you out of no where regardless of where you are, cognitive world or not. not good, shes gotta give up a lot to make this work and that kind of includes futaba. she tries to make masayoshi change his mind and he suggests making someone else do it. She says no, thats torture. hes...he dont care, if she doesnt futaba is fucking dead.

wakaba tries to reason with him "if i do thins i cant be near futaba!" she says and he say "FUCK YOU AND YOU R DAMN DAUGHTER IM GONNA GO BUST HER KNEE CAPS YOU FUCKIN SHRUB." wAKABA INSISTS ON HIM NOT. He wont if she just does what he says. so she does. shes got that persona in her some way or another and boy is it suffering, its been trying to kill her all week. futaba is safe tho, shes still trying to be a good mom but things are looking grim, she tells sojiro if she dies suddenly then well, shits weird.

so yeah shes got a persona and shes doing everything he would have made goro do except her persona wants to kill her every 20 minutes like damn. chill. Shes got the suppressant pills yeah but even still this is suffering.

so yeah now her death. She was supposedly killed in front of futaba at one point. this sitll happens, except its not a mental shutdown that "kills" her, she gets attacked by her persona and falls into an open sewer hole or whatever you call those thing sand yEAH SOMETIMES THEYRE JUST LEFT OPEN IN PLACES IVE SEEN IT WITH MY OWN EYES YALL ITS NOT A STRETCH, but if it is feel free to punch me. and she falls into the water below, except she does not, she moves into the cognitive world and fights that bitch of a persona with more pills. Shido, has plans tho as he sees of what happened and decides, lmao yeah no lets just let you stay dead. and has people waiting for her where she entered the cognitive world to grab her before she can go home and bring her to him. He tells her she could have died and that hes sure shes no longer going to be able to take care of futaba in this state, that she should probably just stay dead since they reports on what happened say she fell and just vanished.

She...agrees??? i mean shes almost died like 12 times in the span of a week and shits getting bad. shes a danger to futaba. if she stays with him hes got his hands on the pills she needs and shes never too far away from the one giving her her missions so she can not only do what he says but finish her research however reluctantly considering the horrible things he has her doing.

now skipping on to when the phantom thieves become a thing. Shes,,,,doing the things that goro would have done. except since this has to do with my au theres not pretty detective prince on tv to antagonize the group, other than that everything goes the same,

wakaba does what shes doing and does not even know futaba is a phantom theif until shidos palace.

but before we get to that, saes palace.

the group does saes palace and it goes off without a hitch. alls chill. they live. im still not sure what to do with this part because everyone thought akira was dead because of the after math of this so tbh if yall got any ideas here...shoot so yeah shidos palace, they get there, get through every one, and get to where they would be going against goro but no its wakaba, futaba is shook, wakaba is shook, the whole squad is shook.

wakaba is a little heart broken, shes fighting so hard to protect futaba and shes putting herself in harms way. She tells futaba to just stop all this and ust stay safe, she would take her place in the p thieves so long as it mean she was safe. futaba does not agree to this

wakaba is not pleased, she makes an offer "ok, well, im pretty strong so all of you fight me and prove that i can trust you to protect yourselves against the nightmare that is shadow shido so i dont have to worry about futaba being hurt," they kick her ass, she has never been more happy, she tells futaba shes happy to have been beaten and shes willing to go help them fight shido except HAHA FUCK YOU SHES NOT!

shes weak from the battle and her persona ssees it as the perfect time to strike her dead in one fucking hit dead. futaba is mortified.

wakaba is fucking pissed and with her dying breath shes just futa baby i love you please destroy that ass hole that tore us apart. ded.

rest of the game proceeds as normal, idk its late and i got no sleep and this is not written well at all bye,

#ooc #this is literally just me rambling its so bad ly written out eugh #long post #wakaba stuff

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trippz2ill2ace8itout · 5 years ago

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⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀

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Thank you, Sinad OConnor, for showing the messy reality of mental illness | Paris Lees

The Irish singers Facebook video is difficult to watch, but vitally important, writes freelance journalist Paris Lees

Three cheers for Sinad OConnor, who has this week torn down the glossy facade of the public debate around mental health. The video the Grammy-award-winner posted to her Facebook page on Monday a motel room recording that has caused concern around the world is not easy viewing. Seeing her desperate call for help and her honesty about suicidal feelings is excruciating. And not just because we know that she was once one of the biggest stars in the world. She expresses her pain so passionately you can almost taste it.

And I tell her this: thank you. For showing the reality of mental illness. The wailing, ranting, desperate demon that secretly tortures millions. Ive never been to that motel in New Jersey but I have been in that room with you. Earlier this year I suffered a particularly serious mental breakdown. I have been too ashamed to talk about it publicly as Im keenly aware of the stigma attached to pain and chaos this raw. Thank you for showing millions of us that we are not alone.

As OConnor notes, the stigma is often worse than the mental illness itself. And while we are now used to thinking of stigma as being a consequence of mental ill-health, research shows that, in the form of prejudice and alienation, it is also a driver of morbidity. In other words, people who feel stigmatised in life are more likely to become ill and die. We know that gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans people are much more likely to suffer with poor health, as are people from minority ethnic backgrounds. Almost half of all trans kids in Britain have attempted suicide. Stigmatised already, they then face further stigma when they become ill. Talk about kicking people when theyre down.

In the past decade fantastic campaigns such as Time to Change have transformed the conversation. Matt Haig has no doubt saved many lives with his book Reasons to Stay Alive, and Bryony Gordon deserves praise for all shes done. She landed the scoop of the year by getting Prince Harry to open up about his mental health battles. The younger royals are doing admirable work to raise awareness.

But while I applaud the efforts of these campaigners, I cant help feeling that the conversation about mental health has, up until now, been sugar-coated and sanitised. The focus is on illnesses that seem more easily relatable so, for example, we hear lots about depression and anxiety but no so much about schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder. Everything is past tense: battles have been overcome. The chaos is hidden.

I understand. Few people want to listen at the point when someone is struggling most. Its too awkward for everyone involved. And who wants to show the world the depths that mental illness can take you when youre right there at the bottom? Not me. Ive only felt able to talk about my mental struggles in the past tense myself, as though the depression I suffered as a student was a neatly packaged thing Id since tidied away. Its not.

In addition to laudable mainstream campaigns we also need to see the reality of what mental illness can do to people up close the same way we need to see images of people fleeing other harrowing situations for which there are political solutions if only there was the will. The world is not all roses and sunshine and Instagram filters, sadly. It is messy and, for many people, hopeless. Its time we woke up and asked why. OConnor has spoken openly about being abused as a child. There is no point discussing mental illness without acknowledging the circumstances that can lead to it.

I wasnt surprised to see Annie Lennox was one of the first to voice concern for OConnor. Lennox has spent the past 30 years expressing exquisite pain and joy in her music, music that has helped me find a way out of more dark tunnels than I care to remember. If only we were all as compassionate. I saw many people on social media dismiss OConnor as crazy and an attention seeker, as though the solution is to just lock her up and forget about her. She needs love, support and understanding. Everyone struggling with poor mental health does.

As OConnor rightly points out, though, many people lack her resources. I am university-educated and tenacious. Yet I know how difficult it is to access therapy on the NHS. I had to wait almost a year before I was accepted, during which time I ran up huge debts going to see a private therapist. God knows how people who are already not coping are supposed to deal with all the many hoops youre expected to jump through. No wonder some people can feel like there is no way out. Yes, mental illness kills people. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50 in Britain. It is a real crisis.

Theresa May talks the talk when it comes to improving mental health services but it remains to be seen if she will deliver anything but bluster during her premiership. Maybe if watching OConnors self-proclaimed rant makes us uncomfortable its because we are uncomfortable with our complicity in failing to address the things, such as abuse and poverty and stigma, that can drive people to mental ill-health.

There are millions of people suffering in their own private hells as we speak. Thank you again, Sinad, for giving this secret misery a face we need to see it.

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Hotlines in other countries can be found here

Paris Lees is a freelance journalist, campaigner and presenter