#if im dreaming about us doing normal domestic things it means im gone im in love 👍

[girlivealwaysbean]

i love slice of life so much they'll be eating pizza in the same bed and bickering and ive already dreamed up scenarios of them as boyfriends making each other soup because he doesn't wanna eat pizza scolding him for crumbs on bed cuddling each other to sleep on the single bed HELP ME STOP ME

[benreyplush]

ok so

benny is some sort of benrey clone after some weird shit happened when benrey was defeated and made his way back into gordon’s games like payday 2.

he somehow got into terraria and has no memory of black mesa or who he was even based off of. he barely remembers his name and all it came out to him was “benny”

he’s also freakishly tall

when jack (the world’s guide) found him, he was very quiet and seemingly apathetic about his surroundings. didn’t really talk much and jack thought he was an enigma for a while. he did his usual and helped him begin his life there.

but then benny started doing some weird shit that jack wasnt prepared for. enemies couldn’t hurt him. he could freeze time. destroy and create items indefinitely. he has no idea what benny is and the order of the guide never talked about anything like this so obviously he’s very freaked out at first

slowly benny starts remembering some of his old personality and would say things that make 0 sense to jack. jack doesn’t know what “poggers” means.

eventually benny remembers a lot of it and actually feels kinda sad. like he feels like he has to be this “benrey” but he doesnt want to be. hes different.

and jack tells him he’s not benrey. he became his own thing and that was good! and he doesnt have to be like him. benny was very relieved by this and sorta became his own thing. like he was still like benrey but less of an asshole and really just goofed around. he still found himself harassing the new npcs that move in but he never harasses jack. he likes jack.

jack says he wont call him benrey. to him, he’s benny. and benny really appreciates it.

jack always wondered what benny meant by “self aware” when he talked about his memories. benny talked about the “npc ai just getting a mind of their own” and said when he joined this new world, it must have turned everyone in terraria self aware like in half life. so thats cool.

eventually jack like. realizes he might have a lil crush on benny and feels bad about it. because he knows his fate is to be sacrificed in the end and he doesnt wanna grow too close to benny.

but inevitably they end up together and jack is starting to question if he needs to die. like originally he came to terms with it a long time ago but now he’s actually reconsidering??? wow! they have at least one argument when jack actually sits him down and explains the wall of flesh thing.

at some point jack convinces benny to take him on an adventure and they end up in the underworld. jack’s plan was to go through with the sacrifice and almost succeeded but benny grabbed him and told him not to do that again. and jack was like “you have to let me do this” and benny was like “no dude i love u” and then they kissed and it was like. the first time either of them have kissed anyone ever but it was still nice.

and jack is like “ok actually i want to live with you forever lets go home” but a demon appears when they arent paying attention and attacks them and jack gets knocked into the lava and the wall of flesh is summoned. and benny is devastated. 

when thats over a new guide shows up but benny wants nothing to do with him bc he is not jack. and benny is mad at himself bc he can freeze time, control enemy spawn rates n shit but he cant bring ppl back to life and he feels worthless about it

so the rest of the story is about benny having to move on and accept his death :(

so its a sad story 

but here’s some nice things

benny knows the sweet voice still and uses it on jack all the time. it was confusing to them both when he did it the first time. eventually jack gets used to it and actually really likes it. 

jack is supposed to be the helpful npc so he usually keeps himself together but as he grows closer to benny his emotions start coming out more and whenever he’s stressed he can just look at benny and say “sweet voice pls” and benny calms him down with it. benny also uses it to get jack to sleep (”blue and red means its time for bed :)” ) because normally he shouldnt have to but being self aware is tiring.

oh also whenever jack gets burns from the voodoo dolls in the underworld, benny heals them with the sweet voice healing beam :). benny has no idea how he keeps getting burned and eventually just assumes its bc of the furnace and is like “bro stop shoving ur hands in the furnace lol” and jack cant bring himself to tell him the truth so he just goes with it.

benny was the first to confess and he did it by serenading jack with the worst guitar playing that jack has ever heard <3 but it still made him smile. i know he really had to think about it before accepting it bc wall of flesh, can’t get too close, blah blah blah.

plus idk how relationships work in the order of the guide. he probably really didnt expect to get into a relationship and the new guide that comes along probably found it super strange.

anyway this is a lot of text wow im gonna just add on to the post as i think of shit but if u read all of this i am in love with u

EDIT: I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE A HAPPY ENDING

after defeating the moon lord, either the order of the guide or maybe even the spirits of terraria herself brings jack back because benny deserves that after saving all of them.

so benny notices the new guide is gone and was like “weird but whatever” and then he hears someone call out to him. he’s like “ugh what” and turns and its jack and he like. drops his weapon in his hand in shock and takes his eye mask and helmet off to see him properly. like he isnt sure if he’s dreaming or not.

and then he runs to him and grabs him and he’s real holy fuck. so he’s overjoyed and both of them fucking cry (first time jack actually sees ben cry ever!!!) and they kiss n shit and its incredible the end. since the world has been saved, the two live a more domestic life and benny is like “we’re never going to the underworld again ever and also im going to be around u a lot bc i missed u so much and i cant lose u again” so he’s extra clingy but jack is so happy to be back with him that he doesnt care!!!!!

also funny fact but the mechanic was the first npc to move in with them and (i think her name was shayna in my world. will change it if not) was overly annoyed at their constant sappiness before jack was killed. ben was extra affectionate to jack around her bc he likes annoying ppl (except for jack). but when jack comes back from the dead, she still acts annoyed but she’s actually relieved to see benny happy again.

[danlusional]

02 - for old time’s sake

book: Ride or Die: A Bad Boy Romance pairing: Colt Kaneko x f!MC (Holly Turner) rating: PG-13 (is it really im not sure) word count: 1,598 words

note: All characters are owned by Pixelberry and Choices. dedicated to the Colt Kaneko advocate that got me replay the book and saw the Light @cryinginthebackseat. I was aiming for angsty(?) but it’s my curse that I could only write fluff with a tinge of angst.

There was only one week between graduation and her big trip to the East Coast.

That week was filled with witness interviews, packing, and trying to cool down the tension between her and her dad. Her body never stopped going places, despite her mind staying in mostly one topic of her every waking moment. It hasn’t been easy trying to go back to the pace before all the shenanigans happened.

She was trying to be the ‘normal’ Holly, the one that she was trying to get her dad accustomed to. By night, after her father left for work, she slipped into the driver seat of her car and took off for a ride around the city. It felt nothing like the adrenaline rush she felt during the jobs with Mercy Park Crew, but she knew there wouldn’t be anything like it anymore.

Sometimes during her drives, she was tempted to see the remnants of the garage and the short-lived dual life she led. There was also a tug in her heart, a hope that she would spot him hanging around the area.

Colt did say he wouldn’t go anywhere, during that last conversation they had a few blocks away from Jason’s house. Under the dimmed stars in L.A night sky, she thought she wanted to leave her dreams of Langston behind, to make their dream came true. But, Holly knew throwing the one thing she worked so hard for her whole life wouldn’t bring their future together to come faster.

It was the evening before her big move when she suddenly got a text from an unknown number in the midst of packing. The second her eyes landed on the message, she knew it was him.

“One last jump for old time’s sake?”

That was all it said.

With her dad gone to work earlier than usual, Holly was in the clear to just leave and meet Colt. She abandoned all leftover packing and took off in her car. There was no second-guessing, no thoughts; her whole body ran on instinct. She wanted to - needed to - see him. When it came to Colt and the crew, she knew there could be no ‘next time’.

Her car zoomed down the highway, only passing a few cars along the way until she got to the spot, his spot. Her heart leaped into her throat when she saw his white motorcycle parked there, just like when they first came here together. Was it really him? It couldn’t have been a trap but after everything, Holly grew some skepticism and caution to every single thing in her life.

He was still in his usual get up as he sat with his back facing her, watching the purple sky with the silhouette of sea birds flying at the distance. There was no more sunset, only the wind, and sound of waves crashing far beneath the cliff.

“Took you long enough to reach out.”, she broke the silence aside from the whistling wind. “I thought you found someone else to run the world with.”

Colt looked over his shoulder to her with the smirk she now knew all too well. “I know I have the looks but have more faith in me, sweetheart.”

Holly rolled her eyes before she took her place next to him. She was prepared for the aches or the overwhelming sadness of seeing him in the flesh once more, especially with the clock ticking away. Instead, she was greeted by a calm and blissful feeling. “One more night before I leave.”, she announced with her eyes still locked towards the darkening horizon.

“Still can’t convince you to stay, huh?”, he replied with a subtle side glance to her. “I’d like to see how long you can live your normal life there when you know you can do so much more.”

“I know I can stay. I know I can do anything and everything… With you, here.”, she finally turned her head to face him, meeting his eyes. “But I still wanna do this one thing for myself. I worked so hard for it… and it’ll be a waste if I at least don’t give it a chance.”

Colt only nodded without showing little to no emotions on his face but with him quietly reaching for her hand, it was the only reply Holly needed. She tangled their fingers together and planted a soft kiss on each of his knuckles before pressing her cheek against the back of his hand. The moment felt so domestic, so calm, which was a change of scene for the pair. It almost felt weird for her, in a welcomed sense.

“I know we talked about the uncertainty of a future in our situation… but we also talked about how you and I would make such a power couple.”, he chuckled, quiet enough that it didn’t sound like one. “This doesn’t have to end here, Holly.”

She looked at him once more with her brows knitted in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Fine, you don’t want to stay in the city. You want to live out your university dream even though I wager you’d only last a year or two—“, his words were cut off by her laughter and a playful push on his shoulder, “but I’ll find you. I’ll always do, just like what I did today.”

“What does this mean… for us?”

That question put silence between them. It was obvious he didn’t really have a solid answer for her but she didn’t really mind. They were in love and that was it. “I don’t want this to end and I know neither do you. Fuck the feds, or any other crews that are going to come for us.”

“We answer to no one.”, the smile bloomed on her face with tears welling in her eyes. “Am I still going to be your driver?”

“Forever, remember?”, he cracked a smile and just let his words wafted into the cool night air. All the feelings she felt in that moment couldn’t be expressed by her words alone, so she leaned in, pressing a searing kiss onto his lips.

It was almost like they were two pieces of magnets, clasping together in all the right places. Colt pulled her to his lap for her to straddle him, her arms wrapping around his neck. There was no more space between them for now before she had to put thousands of miles in less than 24 hours. The kiss left both of them breathless but neither wanted to stop. Holly gasped between kisses, moaning his name softly against his own lips while his fingers twined around her hair, almost desperate like she was going to disappear any second.

The kiss lasted a while and they pulled away, quietly catching their breaths with their foreheads touching. There were a million and one things Holly wanted to say to him, but she knew words would fail her. So did Colt. They didn’t need to really say anything aside from the look they gave to each other.

“I’ll wait. I’ll find you. When you’re back, you’ll see how great I become.”, he whispered with his hands underneath her shirt, trailing her bare sides. His callused fingers were so gentle, they left goosebumps on her skin. Holly wanted to memorised how they felt, how he felt for all those times away.

“I love you now… and I’m sure that can only be improved then.”, she cupped his face in her hands while her eyes tried to scan every detail she could see. There was only the moonlight to help her but it was enough. She wanted to remember everything about him. “Now, how about that jump?”

He smirked and gave her one last kiss before they stood up from their spot, stripping down to only their underwear. Just like their first time here. Holly turned around and stepped towards the cliff edge, looking down at the dark water below. The jump seemed scarier than their last excursion, with lack of lighting and bigger waves, but once she clasped her hand with Colt’s, she knew she could do it. They could.

“On three?”, he tugged her a few steps back for the run and tightened his hold of her hand. She looked at him and nodded with a small smile on her face. “One… Two…”

“Three!”, Holly squealed and ran at the cue, together with him. Nothing could stop them now, nothing would. They leaped off the cliff and in a fleeting moment, she felt that freedom once more. There was no more fear about her move, no more loose ends or need for closure. Everything settled.

Once they crashed into the water, she swam up to the surface almost at the same time as Colt. He immediately pulled her into his embrace, tucked a wet strand of hair behind her ear as he laughed off his adrenaline. “Can’t believe I’m really letting you go, daredevil.”

“You’ll never lose me. See it as me, studying, so I can be an even smarter sidekick for our world domination.”

“You’re more than a sidekick.”, he said, so earnestly, that Holly could only reply with a kiss. Even with the waves around them and the whole ocean in front of them, she knew they could survive it all. After all, they had danced with the devil and teased death in the short span of time they were side by side. “I love you.”

She smiled and let their lips touched as she whispered it back for him. “I love you too.”

[fmdalyssia]

Self- Paragraph -- The Journey from Da-hee to Alyssia

Premise: Let’s start from the very beginning Word Count: 1, 833 words Time Period: Days leading up to 8th March 1994, the day Park Da-hee was born, to 4 years after that when Da-hee first experiences an encounter with sickness and death through her beloved mother;  Jeju Island Trigger Warnings: domestic, csb abuse, alcoholism, sickness, death Mentions: None Author Notes: I cried so hard while writing this. 

No one knows how Park Minghan manages to bag himself such a pretty wife. She’s slender, willowy and tender-hearted in every way that he is not, with her doe-like almond shaped eyes and delicate features. She’s everyone’s dream girl, delicate, devoted and pure, with a smile that could light even the darkest of the rooms. On the other hand, Park Minghan is nothing like his wife. A strapping male that came to stay in the lesser parts of Jeju Island with his wife Minji, one could tell that the male had been handsome. 

Once.

At the very least, before life and alcoholism took that all away. No one understands why Minji doesn’t leave him, even with the sound of smashed bottles of glass against counters, the soft sounds of the young woman crying by her window entering their ears. Everyone just simply glances at each other knowingly, darkened looks on their faces, and continues trudging their own way.

Its the sickness of the masses--the negligence of many, thinking that none of the issues are something that they should take care of.

Someone will always come along. But its not me.

And so the cycle carries on, and everyone is forced to watch as Minji withers slowly away in front of them. None of them know of Park Minghan and Im Minji’s origins, save for the fact that they’re a couple, and that Minghan is an abusive, alcoholic. But neither do they doubt the fact that Minghan is at the very least 10 years older than the youthful Minji, whose looks could pass for a nineteen to twenty year old. They just know that the couple is one of the many couples, forced to relocate into lower parts of Jeju because of...circumstance. Its a normal thing, and everyone goes through it, one way or another. There’s nothing really too special about it.

Life doesn’t treat them well either, so why care about others when they weren’t self sufficient themselves?

Of course, that didn’t mean that there were one or two kind-hearted souls who offered Im Minji a reprieve to the abusive environment she lived in, the bruises on her pale skin tearing the hearts of mothers, but halting youthful wives with too eager husbands. 

Come with us, Minji. Leave that man alone.

It only breaks their hearts further when Minji shakes her head and offers that too brittle smile, one hand resting delicately on her belly.

I can’t. She tells them, her eyes soft but sad. I can’t. 

Its nine months later that Da-hee is born, and as usual, Minghan is nowhere to be found. Everyone knows by now that Minji’s pregnant, but also know that neither is she in the best of states. Her heart doesn’t keep up with her sometimes, her breaths short and gasping, and face paling at times when her chest tightens, hands clutching onto the back of the seat.

Its asthma. Some gossip. Heart problems. Others postulates. Braxton Hicks. 

Its because of the benevolence of others that Da-hee gets born in a hospital, her birth registered as legitimate. A kind Samaritan that found Minji collapsed at the side of the road, one hand against her heart, the other on her stomach as she pulls through each contraction with pained breaths. He even pays for the medical bills, and Minji doesn’t see her husband until 3 days later, when she’s finally discharged with Da-hee in her arms. 

Da-hee is everything that Minji wishes and dreams of, even as the doctor tells her she’s too weak to have anything else trigger her. Her daughter is soft, warm, alive and cuddly in her arms, and Minji feels nothing but bliss even as her body screams in pain with every move it makes. 

Its through sheer willpower that Minji holds onto her every shred of life. Giving birth to her daughter has made her body constitution weaker than anyone else, with dangerously high fevers during winter, and flus during the summer. She’s glad that inspite of everything, Da-hee never inherits her weakly body constitution, even though she looks like a carbon copy of herself.

The abuse continues, and Minji can only try and protect her daughter as much as she can from Minghan’s calloused hands. She spends four blissful years, watching Da-hee grow, and its everything that Minji can ever wish for. 

...

Da-hee hates the fact that she doesn’t recall much of her mother, save for the last day that she sees her face, and for the fists and warm body that envelops her constantly as her father rains down fist upon fist on their bodies. Its a curse that humans don’t exactly remember their memories of anyone until they’re beyond the age of six or seven, because her childhood is marred with days and nights of a predator, and not of the blissful moments of the woman she calls her mother. 

Da-hee remembers Minji as the warmest ray of light, the delicate ray of sunshine. Her mother was like a plant--wavering in the wind, but yet still strong and steadfast to her will. She never blames her mother for choosing not to leave her father. Where would they go if she did? A young woman and a child, barely ever four years of age, and on top of that, her mother’s body wasn’t in the best shape. It was a tragedy from the very start, and something doomed from the very beginning. 

She doesn’t even blame her mother for the domestic abuse they both suffer--if anything, the home that Park Minghan provided covered their necessities, even if they had to suffer blow after blow upon their bodies. 

She does blame her mother however, for not noticing the signs of her father’s predatory behaviour. Its even more sickening that he doesn’t wait till her mother’s fully gone to begin his predation upon her young body. It starts with the touching--its always the touching, the hugging that’s too close for comfort. She’s too young to understand that it isn’t affection, and her mother’s too sickly to know what happens when her father watches over her when she isn’t around. 

And Da-hee remembers always being more worried about her mother, even as a child who didn’t understand things in her four year old mental capacity. To her, mother was always coughing--always crying, always desperately holding on. Her heart hurt her...most of the times, and so did father’s fists.

Da-hee remembers clearly, however--the first time that her father had ever hit her. It hadn’t been accidental, and her mother had always done everything she could in protecting her. Bruises marred her pretty face, her hands always trembling as she touched her all over after each brutal beating at Park Minghan’s hands, and Da-hee remembers that she always cries when her mother desperately touches her body and face. She senses the panic, and desperation--that desire to protect something so precious, and its an indescribable feeling for a four year old to watch her mother being beaten repeatedly till she bleeds, and being able to do nothing about it, because its always her mother that tries to protect her. All the bruises that she knows are supposed to appear on her body and her face--are right there, just on her mother. 

Its tears of helplessness, of terror, of fear, of despair--and even as young as she is--her body instinctively knows it. If anything, Da-hee remembers having inherited the strong-will of her own mother. Its a powerful thing that they both have, indomitable enough for Minji to stay on and protect her daughter for four long years, even though her body has expired, and for Da-hee to still function as a normal child, even under such intense abuse. But the stubbornness and the pride that she has--that was something that she definitely got from her father, as was the unquenchable fury.

She remembers the day she threw herself in front of her mother, screaming at her father as he rained his fists down on her mother’s tiny frame, the desperate cries of her mother to hide back in her arms falling upon deaf ears. It works--as soon as that first few punches pummel with full strength against her small body, and jars Park Minghan to a halt. It works--because he strides out of the room, red-faced and with a wild but shocked look in his eye as she beams widely at her mother, one eye already swelling shut as her mother cries and cups her face.

We match. She tries to say, reaching for the black eye that her mother sports as well, but the pain is too much, and she ends up crying till the blood vessels burst in her tiny face. All she remembers of the day is not the glory that she had, protecting her mother, but the repeated tears and apologies that fell from her mother’s lips as she cradled her in her arms like the most precious thing in the world. 

The fact that she still got hit takes a huge blow to her mother’s health, Da-hee realises a tad too late. She’s four and half and trying to help around the house when her mother suddenly coughs out blood and clutches her heart. Its alarming, and Da-hee remembers the adrenaline that pumps through her veins as she runs from door to door, trying to get the neighbours to help.

But no one wants to help someone who doesn’t want to leave an abusive husband themselves. Its something that she deserves--Da-hee feels it in their eyes as they close the door on her face, condescending and judgemental, and its far too late when she returns back to her house, without a doctor in tow. 

She spends her last moments with her mother on the tiny bed that they share, in the small room that’s apart from her father. 

I love you. She remembers her mother’s last breath as the words of love and adoration from the woman’s lips, the smile of liberation that finally truly graces her lips.

Her father doesn’t even return home until two days later, drunk and smelling heavily of booze. She’s spent the past two nights lying with the corpse of her dead, cold mother, unable to cry as she sits next to her mother, stupefied and traumatized. She doesn’t even feel sorry when Park Minghan collapses to the ground in sobs, grabbing onto her mother’s hand as though it was the most precious thing that he could find in the world.

He deserves it. Even in the mental capacity of a four year and a half year old, Da-hee knows how to differentiate things far too easily--its a blessing and a curse from growing up just a little too early. She wanders out of the room and into the open space, right by the beach where her mother would frequently take her as a tiny escape from the horrible life that they both shared.

See the birds, Da-hee? Aren’t they so carefree.

And she finally bursts into tears.

[demyrie]

I'm curious but why did you delete JAM? It was one of my favorite JxD fics and I never got to finish reading it.

ahhhh oh dear, yeah, that happened.

So, for everyone arriving, I wrote a fic called Just Another Mission for the Jak and Daxter game series, and Jak/Daxter pairing. Yes, the green haired elf protag with the fuzzy orange thing, which btw used to be a human and was a human in fic. I think I started it when I was maybe 14 (yikes omg) and a few years ago, I deleted it, and I don’t delete fics.

Rant and personal history ahead, but tldr; i deleted this particular fic because:

1) I became more and more uncomfortable with the way I’d treated certain characters without giving them respect or resolution (throwing around things like domestic abuse while being too young to properly understand What I Was Doing or How to Answer Very Triggered Friends Who Had the Misfortune of Reading This I’m So Goddamn Sorry, as well as falling into that Not Like Other Girls slash fan ditch of treating female characters like shit/obstacles to the main pairing WHICH IS JUST ******) as well as personally uncomfortable portrayals of obsession and taking advantage of people that turn my stomach to this day (see reason 4)

2) i got way in over my head with my own writing/style which was so obtuse and self-indulgent that I felt a great amount of shame over it, including the attention it had gotten, and the way it went to my head and turned me into an egotistic little shit. I was an asshole peacock and I regret it. There was a break where I got waylaid before the final confrontation in the fic (see reason 4, also a very bad time to get held up in any narrative) and when I returned to the story, i nearly cried because it was such a mess and I didn’t know what I was saying anymore. Finishing it was a struggle and I even remember one JnD fan friend being like “hey this chapter seemed really curt??? short?? not like you” and I was like YEAH THATS NOT ME ANYMORE god i hope

3) there was a sort of ... anti-JxD surge in my little pool from people I really respected and it made me think i was doing something wrong even just remembering it, so I cut off that memory.

4) it coincided with two ugly relationships in my life that marred it, and I just wanted it gone for my own mental health.

So anon, I’m very sorry that you never got to finish it. I had good intentions in mind and gave them a happy ending where they realized they loved each other, even if the journey there was difficult. 

It both touched me and broke a piece of my heart when someone came to me years ago and asked me why I had deleted it, saying the story had given them the courage to come out as gay to their family. In that moment, overwhelmed with how ProblematicTM the whole story was, I was really struck with just ... how subjective our world experience is, and how so many things can mean so many different things to every single soul and how terrifyingly VALID peoples experiences are, no matter how they come by them. We’re all so unique and convoluted, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure -- and one man’s trigger is another man’s key to Becoming. But no matter how inspiring, I couldn’t bring myself to repost it. 

Hopefully this will be the only fic i ever delete with relish. Jak and Daxter will always be a good memory for me, regardless. Thanks for the ask, anon.

(even more) personal stuff below the cut. tw for stalking, harassment, manipulation and emotional abuse.

So.

Im a firm believer in stories living beyond their authors (something that JK rowling doesnt seem to understand iykwim). I don’t normally delete past works, because while I wrote them, I also know that they’ve outgrown me as most narratives do: people are absolutely allowed to enjoy what they want to or need to, not just because I think said thing is reflective of my current work or jives with my current stage of life. 

However, JAM was a particular Thing that Had to Go.

The timeline is hella fuzzy to me because I’ve blocked a lot of it out, but I was coming out of middle school and struggling with my mental health. On the real life side, I was stuck in a situation with a close friend of mine who was very fixated on us being in a relationship and the pining was loud enough to hear from the other side of the country. Wounded people pleaser that I was, I flipped (exhaustingly) back and forth between “i dont like you like that” and “but I want you to be happy so what if I tried liking you like that?” and there was massive amounts of hidden hurt and resentment and tension and abandonment complex activation and just ... a strangling of anything that made our friendship good for either of us. 

Also she was a she. So. Yannoe, gay is difficult.

This definitely burnt me out on the “best friends pining” trope and is probably legit the ONLY reason I’m not equally in the erasermic and erasermight camp haha. That trope feels claustrophobic and draining to me, so I leave it for others to enjoy.

It also coincided with a married 45yo adult man luring me into a “platonic, ecstatic, boundary-breaking, you-are-my-beautiful-young-muse, words cannot express how much I love you” creative type relationship that inevitably turned possessive, domineering and manipulative. Within the bounds of the Renaissance Faire community, I thought he was a safe person and he was not, and his constant reassurance that I wasn’t like other women my age was absolutely hypnotizing to a undeveloped soul who really, really wanted to be special.

We traded poetry and tarot card readings over email. He bought me manga and shared stories about his time overseas and in the service. He made me props to go with my renaissance faire character and showed me where to find cheap leather so I could piece things together myself.

He also stalked me and owned me for the better part of a year and I only realized it once he started harassing a dear friend of mine overseas, whom I was visiting, about a package that he’d sent, which apparently he’d covered in original poetry to let me know how much he loved me But Not In a Hetero or Sexual Way Bro, so of course he didn’t want it to get lost in the postal system. So what is he going to do? Note my friend twice a day asking if its arrived until she inevitably, tearfully spills that this guy is stressing her out and who is he anyway?

My horrible secret was out, which only sounded horrible when I explained it to someone else. I realized this man was trying to follow me wherever i went and I got so fucking angry that he was messing with my friend that I had to stop it.

(He called me a cunt when I broke it off with him on the phone in the dark on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of the night so my parents wouldn’t hear, then sobbed and said he was sorry. I was so dissociated from the rush of anger and helplessness that it took for me to actually MAKE the call that all I could do was wiggle my foot and watch it in the reflection of the mirror on the back of my door, and think maybe I was a cunt but I wasn’t his cunt anymore. So there. 

Afterward I slammed my forehead into the mirror a few times to make sure I’d actually done it and it wasn’t a dream.)

During all of this, I was writing this stupid fic. I think. Honestly, I don’t fucking know, but I can’t think of it without thinking of him and how i was devoured.

The stress of hiding this “totally wonderful but NORMAL PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE!!!!” grooming shit from my parents was gutting me alive, and I was so far gone RE: worthiness/autonomy that I didn’t even consider why I BOTHERED diffusing his petulant accusations over notes on deviantArt again and again as he baited me into shit just to explode over how I didn’t love him and I figured out another way to soothe his engorged and tarry ego without explicitly lying that I loved him too. 

He made me regret my silver tongue and way with words as I used it to defend myself again and again, and crushed my love of writing. I would pace the neighborhood for almost an hour several times a week, claiming I was ‘exercising’ but really trying to understand why i felt so trapped, or where the lines between love and hate lay, or why I wanted to cry all the time, as i low key tried to get hit by a car just to force something to change in my life and jolt me out of his smothering, needy nightmare of constant texting and emails and notes. I couldn’t fucking flinch without him knowing about it, and asking me if I was okay. For this reason, I react very poorly to people fretting over me at length, and loudly. I get angry and feel violated, or just pinned to the floor by someone Performing their love on me with no real regard for my health.

This whole time, I was escaping into fandom. It probably saved my life, in one way or another, because I found friends who supported me and made me laugh in the JnD sphere. Especially the friend whose distress caused me to snap and realize This Couldn’t Continue.

This terrible man was the first one outside of my friend group that I showed my writing to, the first adult as well. It was on the dark side even then, but he said it was wonderful and amazing. He teased me for being stuck up in my authors notes on JAM (one of the reasons I’m just getting over ... talking ...) but said it inspired him to start writing as well. He used that writing to imagine hokey sprawling stories of him being a hot rod racer and me being his sexy girlfriend, Very Totally in Love. Why Couldn’t We have Just Met in a Different Lifetime??? not that its a relevant question for my young 16yo friend lol just something dreamers wonder lol lol here why don’t you take this traditional irish engagement ring aka claddagh i bought for you, lie to your parents and say I bought one for everyone in our renfaire group, and turn it toward your heart, to imply that you’re in love, so that I can keep your heart safe for you until you find a boyfriend?

FUCKER YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER ok I’m done. Fuck.

JAM was a project of mine that spanned a year or two and is intrinsically tangled in those very bad relationships and very bad lessons. I deleted it because I needed to, for purely personal reasons beyond the fact that it was generally bombastic, over-long, tone-deaf and dealt with very serious issues poorly. Due to these experiences, you won’t catch me in a hot minute writing either best-friends-pining or heavy jealousy/possessiveness fic, but everyone else? Go crazy just tag your shit.

so. anyway. isn’t subjectivity actually terrifying? You never know what something can mean to someone else. So just ask, maybe.

Damn, son. Some fics you just can’t repost.

[opaque-daydream]

Broken 24

Warning Domestic Violence 

The next couple of days didn’t give you much time to think. Between Bucky’s physical therapy, and your follow up appointments you had been busy. Steve didn’t seem to take his eyes off you, and neither did Bucky for that matter and you had to remind yourself to breathe as you knew they were just worried. They didn’t let you go out of the house without them. To be honest though your car was still at Clint’s shop and your keys were somewhere at Brock's. Steve had asked you multiple times if you wanted to go and get your stuff from Brock's and you kept putting it off. You didn’t know if he was released from jail or not, you hadn’t asked and you didn’t want to find out. If you kept yourself distracted you could pretend it was all a bad dream and that none of it was real.

Dr. Banner has recommended a therapist, and you had an appointment next week. Your bruising was still there but each day they faded blending with your skin. Your ribs and wrist were healing. Medically you wouldn’t be broken forever, but Dr. Banner as well as Steve, Peggy and Bucky all agreed that you should speak with a professional therapist. You couldn’t argue with their suggestion you knew you needed someone who was objective.  

“Hey Cricket” Steve said coming into the living room causing you to jump, “Sorry I didn’t mean to startle you” he said softly.

“It’s ok Stevie I was just thinking” you gave him a small smile.

“I spoke with Lieutenant Coulson, about getting some of your stuff”

“Steve” you said softly.

“Cricket, hear me out. You may not want any reminders of what happened in that house, and I can understand that. But your purse and car keys are there if nothing else. If we don’t have to go through the trouble of replacing your Driver’s license and everything it will be easier on you.”

“I don’t want to go back there Steve” You told him softly, “Not right now”

“Lieutenant Coulson said he would accompany you personally as Rumlow is on leave while everything is under investigation and that he would make sure that he stayed outside while you gathered the things you need.”

“Please Steve” You know your voice sounded small.

Steve wanted to push you to do this, He knew he shouldn’t but he wanted to see you take the first step to break from that son of a bitch that dared to lay his hands on you. Looking at your face though he didn’t see you as you were now he saw the little girl who had been bullied on the playground sitting there that he knew he had to protect no matter the cost. You were his baby sister; his responsibility and he had failed to protect you. Steve dropped to his knees in front of you, tears falling down his face “I’m so sorry Cricket” his voice broke.

“Stevie” Your eyes went wide looking at him. You didn’t expect this reaction as you had looked at his face, the stubborn jut of his chin the look he got when he was gearing up for a fight that he didn’t intend to lose.

“I’m Sorry” he repeated just looking at you, “I should have protected you”

“Stevie, it’s not your fault” you put your hands on either side of his face, “You didn’t do this, you didn’t cause this none of it is your fault”

“It’s my job to protect you” he whispered.

“You couldn’t protect me, You didn’t know and Steve Rogers I will not have you blaming yourself for something that was not in your power to stop.”

“But”

“Steve, I didn’t tell you, I kept it from you. I could have told you, and I didn’t. You even ask the last time you had visited if I was sure that nothing was wrong. Stevie I’m an adult as much as you think it is your job to make sure everything is right in my world one thing Brock said was true. You were busy with your own family” Steve started to interrupt and you just shook your head no and smiled, “I know you care about me, I will always be your sister and you will always love me. Your focus should be on Peggy and my niece or nephew. I know I am important to you, but they come first and that is ok. You can’t blame yourself for this Stevie. It’s not your fault. You were here as soon as you found out. I don’t blame you and you need to stop blaming yourself”

“Cricket” Steve hugged you gently around the middle.

“Stevie, don’t ask there is nothing to forgive” You whispered returning the hug. You looked over his shoulder to see Peggy standing there in the doorway. You gave them both a small smile “Why don’t we pick this conversation up later.”

“Darling, Y/N” Peggy called and Steve turned his head to look at her, “Bucky just came home, and he brought lunch” Steve nodded and pulled himself to his feet. He held out his hand to you and you took it. Pulling you up gently he then wrapped his arm around your shoulders” Love you Y/N”

“Love you Stevie” you smiled at him, “Now let’s go and see what Bucky brought us for lunch” You gave him a push toward Peggy and he laughed the three of you making your way into the kitchen.

Steve pulled a chair out for Peggy and was whispering to her quietly as you came to stand beside Bucky. “Everything ok Peanut” he asks you as he opened on of the pizza boxes he brought home placing a couple of slices on a paper plate.

“Everything is going to be ok” You told him as he handed you a plate.

“Go sit, eat” Bucky told you as turned you gently toward the table after he gave you the plate, “Steve you have a seat as well I will bring it over”

“Why are you being so helpful Barnes” Peggy called from her spot at the table.

“Because I love you Peggy” He called back as he brought the pizza box over and sat it in the middle of the table, “And if you came over you would see that I hadn’t stashed my candy from you yet” He winked at her.

“I hope you intend to share” She gave him a smile, “Or I will have Steve keep you busy while I find it” She added.

Bucky turned and gave you a wink, “Ok ok, you can have the chocolate bar I brought home”  

The four of you ate, Steve and Peggy talking about the upcoming birth and what was still left to do. Bucky leaned over and whispered, “I hid your favorites on top of the refrigerator”

“You are solidifying your spot as my hero Bucky” you smiled as he reaches over and gave your hand a squeeze. Neither of you saying anything else.

Once everyone finished you smiled as you stood along with Peggy putting your hand on hers as she started to clean up, “Let me” You told her.

“Y/N”

“Peggy, I need to start doing normal things again. I’m hurt yes, but I am not going to shatter. You guys have done so much for me, Let me do this”

She nodded as she took Steve’s hand, “Come on, let’s go pick something to watch or Bucky and Y/N will have us in another Star Wars marathon” Steve got up following her to the living room.

“You sure you don’t need any help” Bucky ask as you were closing one of the pizza boxes.

“It won’t take but a few minutes” You told him as you gathered up the plates and put them in the sink, “Go Buck, relax you had physical therapy today”

“I’m fine” He took the empty box and placed it beside the trash can he turned back to give you a good look, “Steve ask you about going back to your house to get your stuff didn’t he”

“How did”

“You both look lost” Bucky told you softly, “I know every look that Steve has, I’ve been best friends with him since we were in kindergarten, and I have watched you grow up I may not know every twitch like I do his, but I know that look. I’ve worn it a few times myself.”

“There is nothing in that house that matters to me” you told him softly, “Everything that means something is here, how pathetic is that I’ve been gone from here for over two years. When things started to get bad I just I couldn’t come back here. I felt like mom would be disappointed in me. But anything that really mattered has always been right here. What is at Brocks house is what he approved of. He didn’t like anything to remind me that I had been my own person once. He used things like that for punishment first. I had an album that Nat made me when we graduated, he ruined it when I ruined his dinner. After that anything that was important I would bring back here, well until I stopped coming here that is.” You let out a shaky breath, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to unload on you”

“Never apologize for your feelings, we all love you” Bucky told you pulling you gently to him wrapping you in his arms, “If you don’t want to go back there, Steve and I can go with Coulson get your purse and car keys at the very least” You didn’t realize you were crying until Bucky turned your face up toward him wiping them gently with his thumbs. “How Natasha and I put up with you two I don’t know” He gave you a smile, “Guess that is why we butt heads so much, had to be made just as stubborn to remind both the rogers’ siblings that they don’t have to take the world on alone”  

@unabashedcandymaker @buckyappreciationsociety @deepnachodelusion

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[octannibal-blake]

Prompt 'im sorry i accidentally kissed you after playing house for bellarke

For you, nonny! This one got away from me, too. I’m not good at short drabbles apparently, but hey, who cares! Enjoy!

*

Bellamy’s life is perfectly together for the first time since he was five and his sister was born. She’s off at school and he’s only working one, stable job that makes enough for him to live comfortably. It took a while to get here, but he’s enjoying the freedom and the lightness. No longer does he hold the weight of the world on his shoulders. So leave it to Clarke Griffin to completely ruin his bliss.

He’s cooking breakfast for himself on this fine Saturday morning when she barges into his apartment (why he thought it was smart to give her a key, he doesn’t know) and asks him to be her fake boyfriend.

Which is problematic for him because he’s spent the last three years wanting to be her real boyfriend. They met in college, forced to work together on an art project (he took it because he needed another elective, and she’s an art major) and despite not getting along at first, they became best friends. Mostly because she’s a spitfire and he’s a dick and somehow the universe just knew the two of them would cause chaos together. It works. He’s been half in love with her for most of their relationship but the timing has never been right, whether one of them isn’t available or he just completely chickens out. Not to mention she calls him her friend all the time and while he’s not the kind of guy to believe in the friend zone, sometimes it’s really hard not to.

“What?” He asks stupidly, holding his spatula in mid-air having been distracted from his egg flip.

“My mother is coming into town and I need to prove to her I have my life together despite having not gone to med school,” She hops onto his counter and reaches over to his plate of bacon to snag a piece.

“But you don’t have your life together,” he says before swatting at her hand as she goes for another piece, “Quit eating my food!”

She pouts her lip and pulls her hand back with a sigh, “Thanks for reminding me. I just need to create the illusion I do, which includes using you as my significant other.”

“Why would having a boyfriend somehow mean you have your life together?”

She’s batting her eyelashes at him now, which always means she wants something ridiculous, “Well…maybe not just a boyfriend. Maybe a boyfriend…i live with?”

He drops his spatula with a loud clang, “You can’t be serious.”

She grasps his arm with both hands, “You’re my best friend, Bell! Help me look less pathetic!”

He still feels a slight twinge at the word friend but pushes it down, “Let me guess, you don’t want your mom to see what kind of travesty you live in?”

She lives in a small studio apartment that has no working air conditioning and also tends to get a mice infestation every few months. It’s pretty awful. They usually always end up at his place to hang out and, okay, she’s slept over on more than one occassion but always in the guest room!

“Also that.” She confirms for him and he shakes his head at her antics. He knows he’ll regret it, but if he’s completely honest he misses the company. He’s not fond of living alone and his place has felt eerily empty lately. It’s a dangerous line, doing the whole fake boyfriend thing especially when feelings are involved on his end, but she makes it very hard to say no.

When he agrees, the smile on her face makes it all worth it. God, he is so screwed.

*

It’s surprisingly easy to fall into domestic bliss with her, which doesn’t exactly help his case at all. The day before her mother comes, Clarke comes over with a bag full of items to make the apartment look more ‘equal’. She’s going for a very convincing argument. Pictures of them have been scattered around the place, some in the living room and a couple in the bedroom. She always forces him to take picture when they’re out so most of them are drunken one am photos. She’s taken over his bathroom placing her hygiene products all over the shower and hair products on the counter.

“Is that necessary?” He asks as she hangs a few dresses in his closet for good measure.

“I’m trying to be thorough,” She replies. By the time she wears herself out, it definitely looks like they live together. He has to admit, she’s dedicated. He also doesn’t mind having her stuff around. Having her around…

Things go relatively smooth from there. Her mother arrives and is friendly enough to him. She actually seems impressed which makes something like pride swell in his chest. It’s a nice apartment in a nice part of the city and while Clarke has mentioned her mother being a snob, he’s still satisfied by her approval.

Being best friends has given them a comfort around each other that has only been beneficial. They touch each other freely and it’s not weird and quite honestly, from the outside anyone could see they are a couple. He tries to build Clarke up to her mother, mentioning small successes she’s had with her art and okay, maybe, fabricated a little. Clarke beams at him as he dotes on her and everything feels natural.

It gets a little weird when they remember they’ll have to sleep together in the same bed. When she walks out of the bathroom in an oversized t-shirt he genuinely thinks about throwing himself out the window because she looks so beautiful standing there and yet they aren’t like that. Pretending to be her boyfriend has been easy but her mom is asleep and they don’t need to pretend anymore.

“I can put shorts on,” She says awkwardly tugging on the end of her shirt. Clearly she hadn’t thought this through before walking out.

“I’ve seen you naked, remember?” He tries to ease the tension but that might have been the worst thing to say, “Remember when I had to carry you home after the whole Finn dilemma?”

It seems to work, “Ugh, don’t remind me. That was not my finest moment.”

She had managed to get so drunk, standing was nearly impossible and he had to take her home. She puked on herself and like the knight and shining armor he is, he managed to bath her and change her before putting her to bed. She told him she loved him that night, but he’s not sure she remembers. He definitely didn’t bring it up.

She crawls into bed with him and they fall into an easy silence. He lies on his stomach and is just beginning to drift off when she says, “Thank you again, by the way. You didn’t have to help me, you know?”

He’s groggy when he responds, “You’re lucky I love you.”

His eyes snap open when he realises what he said and holds his breath.

She laughs gently, “I love you, too.”

Too bad, he thinks to himself, if only she meant it in the same way.

*It’s gets weird. And confusing. The following night he is in the kitchen cooking dinner for everyone when Clarke gets back from her walk with Abby. She joins him in the kitchen while her mom showers and he laughs when he sees the newly formed sunburn tainting her pale skin.

“Forget the sunscreen, princess?” He teases and she smacks him playfully on the shoulder.

“I didn’t think we’d be outside all day…” She mutters miserably, poking at the skin on her arm.

“Clearly,” he laughs before moving to the refrigerator to grab some aloe. He squeezes the goo onto his fingers and gently rubs it onto her skin. She watches him carefully, like she’s surprised by the intimate gesture.

“All good,” he says wiping the excess onto the dish towel next to him.

“Thanks, honey,” she coos and before he can react she pecks him on the lips.

He’s frozen, his lips burning from the contact. It was an innocent kiss but he felt it all the way to his soul.

Her eyes widen, “Shit…I–”

His mind is racing. Did she mean to do that? Does she know how he feels about Her? Does she feel the same? She regrets it, doesn’t She? He fucked up. This plan was stupid.

“Smells good!” Abby compliments as she enters the room and suddenly the moment is over. They step back from one another and he clears his throat awkwardly.

“I interrupted something, didn’t i?” Always the perceptive one.

He tries to make light of it all, “I was just telling Clarke about the benefits of sunscreen.”

Just like that, the moments over. Things go back to normal, he and Clarke continue the charade and he can’t help but wonder what happens when it’s all over.

*

By the end of the trip, Abby Griffin seems to be very pleased with the way her daughter has turned out, even asking that she paint something for her office at work. Clarke nearly bursts into tears. He’s happy to see that their relationship is on the mend, even if it’s partially based on a lie. It’s not that Clarke isn’t successful, just that she’s not that successful. She’s not living the dream like she hoped and she isn’t in some perfect relationship. He should be bothered by it, but he does get it.

He remembers how upset Abby was to find out her daughter was pursuing art. That was toward the beginning of their friendship and he’s seen their relationship go back and forth since. He’s glad to help, but he’s starting to wonder at what cost. How long can he continue to just be friends with her? He has to tell her.

When they go back into the apartment after seeing Abby off, things are quiet. She’s wanders idly about the living room, running a hand over the picture frames she brought with her. Now or never, he thinks.

“So…” He leads with, and it’s not the best thing he could say but he’s kind of at a loss.

It seems to work, though, because suddenly she’s wringing her hands in front of her and word vomiting all over the place..

“I’m sorry I kissed you, I just got really caught up playing house and it’s been nice and, I don’t know, I thought you were my boyfriend for a second.”

She looks so small and innocent now. Guilty, even. Which hurts because he doesn’t want her to be sorry about it.

He decides now is the moment. It was bound to happen, hell, it’s been building for a long time.

“I’m not sorry,” he says simply and moves towards her, “I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.”

She releases a long breath, like she’s been holding it in this entire time, “Really?”

He laughs and reaches out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, “I’m so in love with you, Clarke. I have been for a long time.”

It feel cathartic to finally say it. Even if she doesn’t feel the same, he’s just happy to have it out there. He didn’t realize how heavy it’s been, but he feels lighter now.

When she laughs, he worries for a second that maybe it was a mistake and he’s ruined their entire friendship. But then she throws her arms around his neck and kisses him, really kisses him like her life depends on it.

When she pulls back, lips swollen from the activity she brushes a thumb across his cheek, “I love you, too, by the way.”

*

A month later she moves in with him for real this time. Half her belongings were already there, anyways.

[carmenhekima]

Arrival: I arrived late around 8:15pm. I was picked up by Alex (the taxi driver). Alex is 22 and believe he is aspiring to be a planter or something. But for now he is a driver.The drive from the airport to kisieran was about 30-40 minutes. I passed Mama Ndinda house and it brought back so many memories. I am excited to see them soon. From Ngong to Kiersian is about 20 miles give or take I’m not sure. When I approached the green gate, I believe it was Steven that was there at the gate ready to greet me! He welcomed me with a huge smile and a Karibu. I then met Jenny, the incoming director who was waiting for my outside in the cold. She was very welcoming and gave me nothing but smiles. Once I entered the guest house I met three ladies from Erie. Stacey, Katie, and Jennifer. They are in hopes of starting their own Non-Profit. They are donating tablets to the girls for educational purposes. This is suppose to help them with their studies and accesses where they need help. Hekima Place is the first home they visited. Day 1:

I was given some personal time so my body could adjust to the time difference. I woke up to Katie, one of the volunteers, cooking us breakfast. After that we walked around the compound and I met baby hope and baby Mercy Medivia. Mercy has never seen white people before so when they approach her she begins to cry. I introduced myself to her she liked me and let me hold her. The mum said I was a lucky one. Then Katie and stacie showed me their tablets that brought over. They brought over 25 tablets for grades 5-8 to play on and get help tutoring. I played the games and they seem great. I think the dilemma is two things: 1. We cannot push western culture onto a group that has not asked for it. And 2. Kate the director does not want to introduce a new element to the program that might deter the girls from the goal. In the US I believe girls and boys in low income neighbors and even unemployed neighborhoods could use this program. But after watching them be engaged with it they loved it. I hope that it goes well. Today I got to meet most of the girls. They are extremely friendly and well mannered. At dinner they danced for us. I believe it was a Somali dance. They sung a prayer too. I hope to better my Kiswahili while I am here.

Day 2.

I woke up at 6am to get ready for 7:30am prayer and staff meeting. I made myself a sandwich and cleaned the dishes. I don’t like bugs so if the kitchen stays clean that means less bugs. I went to the staff meeting. We began with a bible verse from James 3:1-4 afterwards we prayed and started the staff meeting. Mum Kate said today will be going to Smith Hotel with the Mums and the Laura and her daughters will be left behind to take care of the children. Baby Mercy does not like Muzungus (white people) so I would like to see how that goes. I hope that the Smith Hotel has wifi so I can in contact with my family and friends here in Kenya. I talked to Lucy and she said she would come by on Sunday.  

Day 3:

We did not go to the Smith, but we did go out to the Hub. Which is a really expensive mall for tourist and people who have money (so not me). Yesterday I was frustrated because the visitors here from GW keep asking the girls to speak English. This frustrates me because one: the language of the country is Swahili. And they are mad when they girls speak the language of their country like I think when visitors come they should try to learn their language.

Day 4:

We taught the 4-8 how to use the LeapFrog tablets.  I normally get up at 7am for the staff meeting then I ask the mums if the need help with chores. On weekends the girls wake up later and start chores for the house. They do things like clean the kitchen and bathroom, sweep the floors etc.  Like today I washed the dishes with the red house. Then I played soccer with some of the girls. Then in the afternoon I pealed and plucked corn my thumb started to bleed. The other volunteers did not come until the chores were finished. The girls expressed to us how they were bored. Laura one of the members on the board suggested a dance party. This was especially nice because all the girl were home. Some of the girls from university were here and most of the girls from high school were on break. It was a Huge celebration! We had a chocolate Party everyone danced and laughed. Day 5:

Today was long, It began with mass at 11am. we set up the cafeteria like a church and the priest flew in from Tanzania. The sermon itself was not long but the formalities were long, like prayer and the songs. After that we had some time to relax but not much because we had to transform the cafeteria into a celebration ceremony. Some of the Kenyan board arrived and almost all of the staff was there. Once we began, it lasted until dinner time. all the house sung songs and the older presented speeches. They even choose me to speak and I've only been her for five days! I was really nervous. After the ceremony we had dinner and finally went to sleep. Day 6:

I woke up early to teach preschool. Todays lesson was about recognizing number. After that we had to train the house mums on how to use the tablets and set the child protection settings. At the end of the night Laura and her daughters left there were only here for about 3 days it was not long. But they have been to Hekima before.

Day7:  

Today was relaxed, I woke up late then went into town to one of the local malls. I had KFC which probably wasn’t the best choose for my digestive system but at least I had a taste of home (sort of). Then I came back to prepare the actual tablet pilot to allow the girls to see them. One of the volunteers had an emergency at home which caused her a lot of stress. Jenny friend also had an emergency which caused her to leave the compound. But Laura (Hekima board member) said she would write me a recommendation letter so thats nice. I’ve learned that networking is not that hard. Ms. Laura just saw my work ethic and pulled me to the side and told me how impressed she was with me.

Day 8:

I went into town with Edith and Ruth we took about 6 Matatu altogether. Things I noticed was that gas is 99 cents here but really lower than that because of the conversion. Once we arrived into town I got touched like 3 times, once I was called a Muzungu then one guy tried to touch my arm to get my attention. It made me quiet angry because I’m use to having my own space and for the most part being respected. In town we attended a play.Of course we missed the one in English so I watched a Play in Swahili, I was surprised because I understood some of it. I managed to follow along. It was really intense. It was about abortion, domestic violence, college. Several pressing issue that plague this country. Afterward it started to rain and we needed something to eat. So we went to Big Square. I got Fish and Chips (fries) . The others got chicken and chips. After, while walking in the rain we Sam (the driver) and he didn’t pick us up, that was unfortunate because I was cold and it was raining. But Jenny picked up us in Ngong at the mall. This morning I taught Preschool and they are learning to spell their names. Since that cut short because of the trip to Nairobi. I gave them biscuits. They were so happy.

June 23-25:  

This weekend I went out with some friends I met from my last trip we went to a rugby game. I ran into some of my friends I made last year. It was like a reunion. There's some days, I never want to leave this place. Its truly a paradise. The only things I would change is the convenience of little things like reception wifi everywhere. Knowing the lay of the land. But I love Kenya. Im learning more Swahili everyday. I could see myself living here. Sometimes I consider it. The other girls. Katie, Stacey and Jess left for Uganda but there are coming back! June 26:When I returned to Hekima Place I was. Welcomed with many arms. I also met Aku and Bravon they are Jenny friends! Afterwards Maddie, myself and the girls went on a hike and you could see EVERYTHING even the city. It’s so nice. I also braided Tracey’s hair everyone was impressed I knew how to cornrows here they call shiku or something like that.

June 28: 

Today is really cold and rainy, I was to work in the office but because Jenny is working on policy paper work and mum Sophie is gone it looks like I will be doing my own thing today. Dilemma, I really want to make a trip to Mombasa! We shall see I’m not sure the next time ill be able to come back. Time goes fast here I only have 3 more weeks. It was uneventful today. I mostly colored. It was also very cold like winter almost. I might work in the kitchen. Today they have slaughtered chickens. But I did not want to see. Tomorrow we are suppose to do the inventory for clothes and donations. Which should be all day, at least it’s not the shamba or animals so I’m kind of happy. Although I was suppose to have personal time Friday we are going out to elephants and bead factory. Id rather just be allowed to roam myself.  Sometime you can get such tourist aspect of Kenya. I also felt like the house mum I helped with homework made sure some of the littles ones were to bed. Little grace and I even did homework that was ahead so she is free tomorrow.

June 29: 

Today was FUN. First I sorted clothes, there were so many clothes then I helped Maddie cook vegetable pasta. I do not think I introduced Maddie she lives near Pittsburgh and goes to Penn State she is an aspiring doctor and has traveled a lot. After Pasta I read Sisters Solidjah Im at the part where winter loses everything and is pretty much alone. Reading has been so exciting when you have nothing else to do but kill time, I feel like such a book worm. After I read I took a nap. Thought about the movie La La Land and how the couple did not end up together but it was for the best because they would not have lived out their dream. After Rabin, Bravon and Maddie we all cook chapati with egg. Rabin and Bravon are around 27 and 28. It was probably the best thing I’ve had in a long time. It was not soon after the girls were home and we ate dinner. I have pimples, and everyone asks me what's wrong with my face. I think for the most part everyone's skin is here pretty much perfectly smooth like no blemishes. The know what pimples are but I guess they don’t show often. They ask are they mosquitoes bite is it rash. At this point I don’t even get angry over it. I just play it  off. Soon Ill be helping with homework again! Last night I was not feeling well. My stomach was very upset from all the food I ate but it turns out it was just gas