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soaps-hoe-141 · 2 years ago

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Drowning In The Depths

I don't know if you all saw the reblog I made yesterday on here but look at this gorgeous piece of art that @foreverrunningfree made!!!! I love him!

Part 7

Pairing: Captain Price x Male!Reader

WC: 14.9k

Synopsis: My boy getting some clothes, got some op planning, and then the op itself of course

Warnings: Violence and cursing but when is that not present in a COD fic really?

Light streamed in through the open blinds of the window casting the bunkhouse in the early morning sun. The black and brindle furred radiator breathed deep beside you still deep in sleep, a few light snores even coming from his dark muzzle. It was a peaceful sound, one you'd grown used to after years of living your entire life around those animals. The snores put you at ease, lulled you back into a half-sleeping state, your mind still not quite ready for the day to begin. Dreams called to you, the sound of a sleep filled voice that you'd never actually even heard before rattling around in your mind. What you wouldn't give to hear John this early in the morning.

A loud buzz came from across the room rattling your thoughts around in your skull nearly as much as it rattled the table. Who the hell? And then you remembered, your phone was broken, you were on a military base in a bunkhouse with a Lieutenant whose face you'd never even seen. And not to mention the fact you'd interrogated a man the evening before. Must be Laswell calling everyone in for the target package and op briefing. You lifted your head up to peek over Cerberus’, searching for the perpetrating phone and its owner. Another buzz filled the room a few seconds later and you finally saw the masked face turn into the pillow before he reached for the short bedside table and knocked it off to effectively cease the ringing.

Ghost was definitely not a morning person it would seem. At least not when it was someone else doing the waking for him. You couldn't relate, well to be fair you rarely slept especially when it was just you and Cerberus. Your eyes turned down to the big dog you had wrapped your arms around beside you. A thin sheet up to your hip and a quarter way up his long body as well. Cerberus was the only living thing you'd actually admit to loving but you had to admit, sleeping next to him sometimes was near torturous. Sweat slicked your body, casting a musk of you up into the air despite the shower you'd taken last night. Surprisingly you'd actually made it all the way to the bed last night though you'd been sure you were going to come short there a few times. Time to get up now though, he wasn't up soon but the Lieutenant at the other side of the room would be awake at some point and you weren't going to have him waiting on you if you could help it.

Stretching your free arm you heard your shoulder pop, the pain hitting you a moment later as you winced, letting it slowly subside in your mind a few seconds later. You slid your other arm slowly out from underneath the dog’s neck and rolled to your back, taking a few deep breaths. You’d spooned him all night, the Dutchie always enjoyed being the little spoon if there was room for him to be. The moment he felt you sitting up though his snores went quiet and he was wide awake. Tail thumping hard against your thigh as his big head lifted. You watched him slide off the bed and circle once on the floor before he shook his fur out, tongue lolling as he panted, ready for the day. Chocolate eyes found you then as you stretched your still aching muscles, glancing down at the unbandaged wounds to make sure they still looked relatively normal. You should probably go see Soap before this mission started, the last thing you needed was for these to get infected because you were too busy getting your ass eaten in the Captain's office.

The thought made your cheeks warm, body reacting to the mere memory of him kneeling between your thighs. Even as you shifted to sit on the edge of the bed, you bit at your bottom lip trying to suppress your body's reaction. When your feet found the ground though Ghost shot up from his place in bed, sitting bolt upright with his fists clenched. His chest was bare and he was taking in deep, heaving breaths as he stared across the room at you. You didn’t move for a few seconds, just staying quiet as he came out of his nightmare and remembered the two of you were bunkmates. No stranger to them yourself you gave him his space, giving him the time he needed. Cerberus crossed to his side of the room, tongue lolling as he sat about a foot away from the now calming Lieutenant. The hazel eyes flicked from your face to the Dutchie and you watched as Ghost relaxed again into the mattress, seeming to center himself as he reached a hand out to pet the patiently waiting dog.

Cerberus stepped closer slowly and you took advantage of the few moments of quietness to stand up, stretching your legs as you did. Tilting your head to pop your neck and stretch your back out as well. A quick glance out the window and you caught sight of John leaving his bunkhouse across the small path, definitely a call from Laswell to get going then. He glanced up at the window and paused on the steps, taking in your nearly naked form. Clothed only in a pair of underwear and framed like a postcard by the window frame. A small smile turned up your mouth as you watched him frozen in place, thoughts running through your mind of the show you could have given him if it wasn’t for Ghost laying down barely ten feet away.

Unwilling to break his gaze from you though, you moved a little closer to the window and leaned on the wood. Your forearm bracing against it as you watched his burning gaze across the way taking in everything he could get his eyes on. Your free hand reached up, scratching against the coarse hair of your growing beard. His hand instinctively mirrored yours, reaching up to run across the brunette hairs of his own. A smile found your face as the fingers ran down your neck, stopping at the dip between your pecs. You flattened your palm against the short hairs on your chest, seeming to scratch absent mindedly at the skin all while the Brit across the way watched. Leaning against the railing on the stairs with what you knew was a smirk on his face. He always had a smirk on his face.

Suddenly his head flicked to the side and his attention was stolen from you much too soon. Your eyebrows furrowed as you watched him continuing down the stairs and then heading off down the path. Leaving the sight of you in the window behind without so much as a second glance. Shit, were you really that bad of a sight this early in the morning? What could he have- Your internal question was cut off by a knock at the door. Eyes from all sides of the room shot to it and you stepped back from the window.

A quick glance Ghost's way told you he had no idea what was going on so it probably wasn't Soap then, or normal. Moving across the room you pulled open the door, staring at a pale blonde nearly as tall as you. He was holding several sets of clothes in his hands as his brows raised questioningly, “Speck I presume?” Well he sounded a bit pretentious with his British accent and perfectly kept appearance. You nodded in answer and he handed the clothes out to you, “Laswell said that these were to go to you.” Taking them slowly you inspected all of them, there were enough fatigues for every day of the week and just as many sets of casual clothes for blending in. She had gone all out it seemed. Not to mention the numerous fresh pairs of underwear, thank God for that because who knew how much longer yours would have lasted.

Setting them down on the table next to the door you gave him a polite smile, “Thanks. Wade yeah? Laswell mentioned you handled all this stuff,” he smiled and gave you a quick nod. You reached a hand out towards him, shaking his hand firmly as he clasped yours. “Nice to meet you, Wade. She said I should talk to you about Cerberus’ food too, you handle all the supplies and stuff for the team?” The man nodded as he held up a finger to stop you from asking anything else, retreating down the steps quickly.

The man grabbed a big bag of food off the ground and hauled it up the stairs towards you, “Is this good? It’s all we have on base right now.” He dropped it into your open arms and you nodded a quick answer, barely able to wrap your one good arm around the huge bag. As you stepped back Cerberus let out a couple loud barks. There was one thing that dog knew for sure and it was what a bag of dog was.

As you set the bag down next to the leg of the table his tail waved excitedly behind him. The Dutchie made his way over to inspect it as you returned your gaze to the blonde still outside the door, “Also I handle laundry for the team. So while you’re here just know I’ll be doing it once a week. Today is laundry day. I know you and the rest of the squad are supposed to be getting called in today though so if you don’t leave anything out don't worry I’ll just grab anything that smells out of your duffel.” You gave a quick nod before he added, “But I'll get a hamper for your bunkhouse before you get back, please use it. I'm not a maid." Well that was amusing considering that was exactly what he sounded like. But no need to cause trouble, you simply gave him another polite nod before he continued, "It’s my job to keep you supplied with anything you need so just let me know whenever you’re running low on something. I'll get it as soon as possible.”

You gave an amused huff and nodded in answer, “Sounds good man. I could actually use a new phone if you can handle that. Oh! And a pack of smokes, are we allowed to smoke on base?” The blonde man nodded and pulled out a notepad from his chest pocket along with a pen and started the list quickly. “And another vest and lead for Cerberus, his spares got ruined,” another quick nod of the blonde head as you tried to think of anything else you might need. “Only other thing I can think of is another pair of shoes, lost mine a couple months ago but other than that-”

A deep, sleep-wrecked voice behind you cut you off before you could even thank the man, “We have to go Speck. Get ready." His chest pressed against your back as he leaned around the door and cast a glare at the blonde outside, "Fuck off Wade.” The masked man shut the door in the man's face and you turned to glance back at Ghost a bit incredulously. The Lieutenant didn’t even bother to look at you though, instead moving back to his side of the room as he grabbed his clothes and started getting dressed, “He’s an idiot. Don’t talk to him,” he grumbled out as he buttoned his pants and started searching his duffel for something.

Your head shook at the statement but you didn’t bother to say anything in opposition. Wade’s problems with the rest of the team weren’t about to become yours as well. Looking through the clothes you’d been given you stripped out of the underwear and pulled on the freshest clothes you’d had in months. The feeling of clean fabric against your skin was heavenly, you had to admit. It had been too long since you'd worn freshly cleaned, brand new clothes. Way too fuckin long.

Ghost waited until you’d both finished making up your bed before getting your attention with a quiet grunt and nodding to the door as he opened it. You threw the other sets of fresh clothes on the bed, leaving the duffel open at the foot of it so Wade could find it when he needed to later today. “Fuss Cerberus,” the Dutchie attached himself to your hip as you hooked his lead to his collar and followed Ghost outside. Even in the early morning hours it was still suffocatingly hot, but it was better than the alternative mid-day hours.

You had to adjust to the longer strides but you quickly fell into step beside him as he led you through the maze of halls. Surprisingly it was back to the same door you’d followed John through the evening before. He punched in a string of numbers and pushed the door open, holding it for a second to make sure you didn’t get locked out as he headed inside. It was a surprisingly kind gesture you hadn’t expected from the mostly mute and faceless man. Huh, maybe he knew that you’d seen him and Soap the other day and didn’t want you blabbering to anyone else about it.

Wasn’t your business to blab either way though and you were more than content to mind your own. Thinking of the loud Scotsman, as you walked in you saw him and Gaz both with fake guitars in hand and standing in front of the couch with their eyes intent on the TV. The dark-skinned Brit was holding a fork in his mouth while his fingers flew across the different colored buttons on the neck of the guitar. Empty plates sat in front of them, Soap’s fork still on his plate as Gaz’s yell was stifled with his lips still wrapped tightly around his own fork.

Meanwhile Watcher was on a handheld device with a microwave breakfast burrito in his freehand. As you walked behind the couch you caught a glimpse of the surprisingly large screen. You caught sight of a little gray cat in a suit with glasses and an eagle in a leather jacket talking to one another as you passed. Eyes following the image for just a moment before it was out of eyeshot.

Konig was sitting back reading quietly with a cup of something in his hand. Something hot by the looks of it and as you passed you recoiled at the strong smell of hot tea. His green eyes flicked up to you and narrowed but not in the same way the Lieutenant’s usually did. You got the impression he was giving you a smile underneath his black half mask. It immediately drew out your own polite smile in response, a reaction you couldn’t stop after years of being trained in the way of Southern politeness.

The sound of a fridge door opening caught your attention though as you turned to find Ghost opening the top door on the other side of the room that you’d failed to notice yesterday. Food sounded perfect right now, might as well get yourself something while you still can. The dark haired Scot’s outburst though broke your focus on the freezer as your eyes shot to the two Sergeant again, “Are ye feckin kiddin me!? How did ye- That’s-” Gaz was holding his fists up in victory with the guitar in one hand and his fork in the other while he stared at the TV.

He pushed Soap hard in the shoulder with a shit eating grin on his face, “Pay up Soap. That was the deal,” Gaz tossed the fork onto his plate sitting on the coffee table in front of them. Soap was glaring hard at the Brit as Gaz held out his hand and shook it with expectation. It was funny, you remembered seeing the same interaction at the bar all those months ago but it was Ghost who was getting paid then.

A stubborn shake of the Scot’s head though made it clear what his position was on the matter, “I amnae givin ye shite ye bastart. It isnae fair,” Watcher snorted from his chair, glancing up from what he was doing for just a second. Long enough to see Soap cross his arms over his chest still holding his guitar in his hand in a white knuckled grip. You swore his face was getting redder by the second.

The Lieutenant shut the door on the microwave and turned around, narrowing his eyes as he leaned back against the counter. But even that couldn’t break your attention away from the unfolding scene in front of you. Gaz dropped his guitar onto the couch, his lip curling up in frustration, “You made the bet, Soap. What are you even talking about?” Soap shook his head and the other Sergeant threw up his hands, “Are you serious, mate? You lost fair and square, Soap!” The pitch of his voice was climbing an octave, his frustration growing by the second. Things were about to get dicey if someone didn’t cut in here in a second.

Finally, you managed to move yourself towards the refrigerator in search of a quick and hot meal for breakfast even as you heard Soap give an answering, “I dinnae ken what yer talking about. Ya cheated ye bawbag,” Gaz scoffed and his hand hit his chest like he’d been struck there. Your own eyebrows raised in surprise at the insult, widened eyes flicking between the two men and just waiting for the shoe to drop. Soap tossed his guitar on the couch as well and grabbed his plate off the table, turning his back on the Brit with a huff of anger.

For all of a second before Ghost cleared his throat and the Scot froze in place, his shoulders visibly tensing underneath his shirt. Another quick clearing of his throat and Soap turned to look at Ghost over his shoulder. The way his eyes found the Lieutenant was something akin to fear but not quite. The big man was staring at the Scot with an intensity unlike anything you’d ever seen before and Soap’s lips flattened into a thin line as he shifted nervously underneath that gaze. “Pay the man, Johnny,” the Scot seemed to deflate when Ghost gave the order. His head tilted back as he sighed so loud you could hear it from across the room. The air left his lungs in a rush as he did so.

Soap tossed the paper plate into the trash and dug into his pocket, fishing something out of the depths. When his hand pulled out and he extended it towards Gaz, palm opened in the offering. The other Sergeant was quick to snatch away his prize and you barely caught sight of the little bag full of what looked like candy. Maybe gummy bears? Or something made of gelatin at least.

Soap muttered something as he took a seat on the couch, but you couldn’t hear it as the microwave went off and Ghost turned to take out his breakfast burrito. Oh yeah you needed to eat something too, that’s why you were standing in front of the fridge. You opened the top door, inspecting the contents inside curiously. You’d never seen so many breakfast burritos in your life.

They weren’t even in the boxes anymore. Just shoved inside the freezer in their plastic wraps so you had no idea what you were going to be biting into in about two minutes. You pulled one out, almost afraid they were going to come toppling out on top of you when you did but they held steadfast. Unwrapping it you threw it into the microwave and punched in a few numbers before leaning back against the counter and waiting.

Ghost didn’t bother to find a seat, he just ended up standing beside a door. It wasn’t the one John had pulled you into yesterday evening though. Glancing towards that door you could see the light was on inside that room too. So that’s where he had disappeared off to this morning when you saw him leaving his bunkhouse.

When Laswell came through the door everything seemed to come to a screeching halt. Ghost even stopped mid bite of his burrito with his mask shoved up to the bridge of his nose. Everyone stayed quiet as she moved to the door Ghost was standing beside and unlocked it with a key she pulled from the pocket of her windbreaker. When she turned back she glanced at everyone in turn, “Let’s go, we’ve got a lot to discuss.”

Soap didn’t hesitate to hop over the back of the couch getting cut off by Gaz’s long strides in front of him. The both of them nearly tackled each other in their haste to get to the door. Watcher pressed a button on his little handheld device as he stood up and knocked on John’s door a couple times. You watched as all the men stopped before they entered, each of their electronic devices being deposited one at a time onto a little shelf before they headed inside.

Your eyes shot behind you to the microwave with a little bit of annoyance as you saw the timer on the microwave was still at a minute. A sigh fell from your mouth before you followed the other men, you could get it later. You filed into the room behind the tall German, watching everyone sit like they’d been assigned seats. With how long they’d been together they probably had assigned themselves seats at this point. Well all of them except for Ghost who just stood at the far wall with his burrito still in his hand and mask still shoved up to the bridge of his nose. You could smell the food from here and your stomach growled in response. Damn, you should have made your food sooner.

Soap sat near the back of the table with Konig to his right. While Watcher was across from the tall German with Gaz sitting to his left. You took the seat on Konig’s right and across from Gaz, leaning back into the chair with your chin resting on your fist as you inspected the room quietly. There was a model of some kind of warehouse sitting at the head of the table that everyone seemed to be looking at with interest.

When the door opened again John stepped inside the room with a file in one hand and held up a burrito with a questioning look around the room, “Whose is this?” My God the man was a saint, the timer must have gone off as he was leaving his office. Perfect timing John, always the most perfect timing. You lifted your hand in response immediately and he tossed it over the table to you with a subtle smile. Then the brunette took his seat beside Gaz, his hands wiping along his thighs before he found Laswell, “Ready when you are Kate.” You turned your eyes to the front of the room as you set yourself to eating the steaming burrito.

Your mouth caught fire immediately and you watched Gaz across the table barely holding in a smile. The Brit across the table watched as you tried to breathe your way through the pain. It felt like you were exhaling literal fire as you huffed a few times. When a large hand smacked you on the back you turned a look of shock on the man next to you. Sucking in a gasp of air at the pain and searing your throat even more than before. You saw him put a fist to his mouth even with the mask already covering it, “Oh Scheiße! I thought you were choking. I'm sorry Speck,” you forced the hot food down your throat and coughed a couple times to ease the burn.

You waved him away and shook your head, “Oh don’t worry about it.” You coughed again and cleared your singed throat with a shake of your head. “No worries Konig,” you turned away and towards Laswell then to avoid letting the tall man see your wince. Shifting against the back of the chair, still feeling the sting from where his blow had landed. If that was him trying to help you, you had no intention of ever finding out what it felt like when he was aiming to actually cause harm.

The blonde woman looked up from the laptop she was working on and cast John a smile, ignoring the little interruption that you and Konig had caused. “You’re always ready John, it’s one of your redeeming qualities.” Your eyes glanced back and forth between them as you continued to dig into your burrito, turning in the chair to let Cerberus settle between your legs as he looked up at you. Laswell stood up straight after a second longer of typing, hitting a button on the remote she was holding as an overhead projector turned on. Then she turned her attention to the group of men gathered around the table, “The man we captured in Pakistan was Labeeb el-Haider. An ex-resistance faction member from Pakistan, a General according to Speck.”

Eyes found you as you tilted your chin down, passing off a chunk of your burrito to Cerberus. It wasn’t the first time you had used him to avoid the stares from others. Attention was not something you often sought. Laswell didn’t wait for you to look up before she continued, “He was a well of information following your interrogation by the way Speck. We just mentioned your name and he was telling our translator whatever we wanted to know.” Eyes flicked to you from around the room again but you were staring straight ahead at Laswell. Labeeb had really fucked himself bringing up the Admiral.

“We now have an ID on our head of operations,” the picture changed from Labeeb to a face that felt familiar. You sat forward in the chair, narrowing your gaze as you tried to place it. “Amaan al-Mustafa,” you snorted and shook your head as you sat back. That face was familiar for a fuckin reason and now you remembered why. Laswell turned a curious look to you, one eyebrow cocked in question. And when you looked away quickly you noticed the others had their eyes trained on you once more as well. Damnit they’d just forgotten about you. Just had to laugh like an idiot in the middle of a meeting didn’t you, son of a bitch.

You shook your head in answer but she didn’t continue like you’d hoped she would. Laswell was clearly waiting for you to explain yourself now. Clearing your throat you answered her silent question as quickly as you could, “Amaan al-Mustafa, I know him. Well I know his face. He was at the market when it was bombed.” John turned towards you then, curiosity in his eyes as his hands clasped one another on top of the table. They were all waiting for you to explain how the hell you knew that it seemed.

Laswell narrowed her eyes at you though and you were quick to clarify, “He was posing as a guard. Could have killed me with a gun and been sure I was goin down. Then he still tried to do it with a bomb. Just thought it was funny, sorry,” she glanced at the picture still being projected. Missing your small shrug, but as you explained your awkward laugh and seemingly poor sense of humor they all turned back to the woman at the front of the room. Your interruption had obviously caused her to be thrown off her game somewhat though, at least for a moment.

When she flicked to the next picture everyone went quiet once more, “This is where Amaan is apparently holed up right now. It’s in the heart of Zabol’s warehouse district, and we got the schematics for it last night.” This op wasn’t looking very heavy-rollout friendly right now, “I had a model made to help plan the op but we’ll have to move fast. Labeeb was kind enough to inform us that they are going to be moving off-site soon.” She gestured towards the model setup at the head of the table.

John sat forward as he looked it over, pulling the top off to inspect the inside of the building. His beard twitched as his jaw worked, deep in thought as he moved pieces in his mind like it was a game of chess. “We’ll need a quick entry and escape. The building being in the heart of Zabol’s warehouse district means a pretty quick response time from local law enforcement.” There were sounds of agreement from around the table before John asked, “Do we have any details on security measures?” His eyes shot up to Laswell questioningly.

The woman nodded quickly as she answered, “As far as we know there isn’t anything strong enough to resist a breaching charge, and no high tech security that was on the schematics. You’ll just have to contend with ground forces and whatever doors you come across.” She took a seat at the table next to you, still watching John as he worked through everything in his mind.

The Brit glanced down the length of the table at Watcher, “You’ll be our getaway driver then. Don’t want you in the line of fire if you don’t need to be.” The ginger gave the Captain a thumbs up as John’s eyes turned back to the model and he stood up. Moving around to the front of the table to get a different angle on the model he stood quietly. His hands reached up absently as if he was going to hook his thumbs into the straps of his tac vest but it wasn’t there. The realization seemed to hit that he wasn’t actually wearing his vest yet and instead he braced himself against the side of the table.

You watched as he leaned down to inspect it closely, his hand reaching up to run over the side of his jaw before finally he spoke again, “We’ll split up in teams. Gaz and I will go up the outside stairs and clear the top floor. Ghost and Konig you’ll go in the front door and clear the bottom floor. Soap and Speck will go in through the back door here,” he pointed to the back of the model, “You’ll bypass most everyone to get to the stairs and then clear the second floor. We’ll hit them all at the same time” You leaned forward then, honestly that was more than surprising.

He was putting a gun in your hand and sending you into a building without even being on the team himself. John either trusted you or he didn’t trust himself, which one it was though remained a mystery to you. None of that mattered however. You were getting a shot at the man who tried to kill you and you weren’t in the habit of missing. It didn’t matter how you got to that point, only that you got there.

John continued a second later, “Ghost, Gaz, and Soap,” John made sure he had the three men’s attention before he continued, “Carry light breaching charges, we won’t have our packs. We’re going in light and quick,” there were quick nods of response from the men. John stood back up then and motioned for Ghost to join him at the head of the table. You’d nearly forgotten the big man was even in the room. John pointed to the lowest floor, “How long do you think it’ll take to clear?”

Ghost tilted his head in thought, “So long as nothing gets fucked I’d say two minutes max.” John nodded in answer and everyone around the table stood. All of you were moving to get a closer look at the floors you would be clearing.

Gaz was the next one to pipe up, “It shouldn’t take us, at most, a minute and a half.” John nodded his agreement as he inspected the top floor. “Push up here,” he pointed to a choke point in the hall, “a flash down the hall and then one in each of these rooms as we clear. We’ll be in and out the fastest probably.” He looked up at the brunette looking to see if he agreed with the assessment.

John was already nodding, “We’ll head down to the second floor to assist them when we’re done. Keep an ear on your comms,” he glanced at you and Soap. “It’ll take the longest time to clear the second floor with all the rooms and this door separating one half from the other. You’ll definitely need a breaching charge for that one.”

Soap nodded his agreement to John’s suggestion, “I’d say a heavy breaching charge, Price. I don’t think a light will do it.” John didn’t seem to like the sound of that as his mustache flicked up and he sucked in a breath. There wasn’t much he could do about it though as he gave a slow nod of agreement.

“Cerberus can keep it, he won’t get weighed down and he always has his vest anyway. That way Soap won’t have to worry about a pack,” you glanced between John and the Sergeant earning a beard twitch from the Captain and a smile from the other man. They both obviously liked the idea and besides, Cerberus would probably get thrown off if he wasn’t carrying something.

Glancing down at the second floor of the model you pointed to one of the rooms behind the security door and glanced at the sitting woman, “Are these sleeping quarters?” Laswell nodded an answer after she took a quick look at the rooms. “If he’s in there it’ll be hard to take him alive. There’s a lot of places to hide and there are likely to be a lot of people in there,” you glanced around at the circle of men. Soap nodded his agreement even before John did.

Without glancing up at you the Captain pointed towards the dog then, “That’s why we’re putting you with Soap on the second floor. Cerberus can detain a hostile so long as there isn’t too much foot traffic, yeah?” You gave a quick nod when he finally looked up at you, “Should give you a bit of an edge then.” John put the top back on the building then and crossed his arms over his chest, “When we get the HVT we’ll exfil through the first floor where Ghost and Konig have cleared through and out the back door. Watcher will be waiting out there with our getaway van.”

The ginger nodded quickly and that was it. There was no room for further discussion as the team all seemed to agree on what they would all be doing. It was going to be weird working with someone else after so long. You could only hope it would be like riding a bike. Time to get geared up and get after the man who had tried to murder you.

As you followed the team out of the squad room they led you back across base towards the bunkhouses. Confusion was beginning to set in but before you could wonder aloud they stopped in front of a small building you'd overlooked on your first few days here. But looking back you suddenly remembered it was where a few of the guys had disappeared to when you first got back to the base.

Price punched in a code next to the door and then shoved a key into the lock before he pulled the door open and held it. The team filed in quickly with you and Cerberus hot on their heels, the Captain stepping in behind you. The guys split up into their individual cages, each man with their own key as they set themselves to getting their gear ready. Leaving you to watch quietly in the middle of the room.

Damn if this didn't bring back memories though. Your chest was beginning to feel heavy with the thoughts of the last time you’d been in a room like this. Gearing up for an op that should have been an easy knockout and had instead sent your entire life spiraling out of control. You saw their old faces, burnt and bloody, in those of the other men around you and it made your palms feel clammy. The muscles of your back were starting to tighten in response to the anxiety currently pouring off of you in waves.

It was hard to swallow your throat felt so tight and the dog at your side could sense that something was off. Even as you actively hid it behind that careful mask he was pressing into your leg with his whole body, a velcro dog if there ever was one. His familiar warmth and weight a comfort as it always had been. Since the moment you'd first taken him with you Cerberus has never failed to keep you sane. You had found him at the lowest point in your life and keeping him alive, keeping him safe, was the only thing that had ensured your survival back in the worst of those dark days.

You barely even heard the sound of the door opening again behind you before a familiar voice caught your attention. Dragging you out of your own dark thoughts by the ankles and forcing you to pay attention. You turned to find the blonde from this morning, holding more than a few items as he sat them on the table beside you. "This is for you, Speck. Standard issue gear, you just have to sign for it since it's a loan out," he held up a clipboard to you. You stared down at the line that was awaiting your legal signature. Awaiting the name you hadn't heard from anyone in years and had honestly forgotten then sound of.

When you looked back up at him though he could see the slight tilt of your head and the humor in your eyes. Yeah that shit wasn't happening. Thankfully John stepped out of his cage though, grabbing the clipboard from Wade and the pen before he put a hastily scribbled signature on the blank line. "I'm signing for all his stuff Wade," the blonde glanced down and for a moment you swear he was about to refuse. To say something in opposition to the commanding Brit in front of you, but the look currently being leveled at him made him think better. Well he wasn't a complete idiot, not always anyway.

Wade gave a slow nod and turned another look to you, "Any preference on your loadout? I can't do any modifications really, but I can outfit you with something standard for the time being." John stepped back into his cage then, he'd done his job for now it seemed. Your eyes followed him as you watched him pull his vest on, setting himself to buckling and velcroing respectively. Keeping his focus on getting ready like you should have been doing but seemed unable to do. The sinking feeling that you'd have to suffer through everything again pressed into your gut like a knife. Twisting into you and souring your face even through the mask.

Keep your distance, Speck, don't get close cause then it gets messy. You'd told yourself that for two years now. Repeated that mantra in your head every single time you were forced into work with someone. And yet the second you'd gotten here you'd forgotten it all. Forgotten the pain that had come with the loss of that close bond you had with your brothers, with the SEALs who fought at your back.

You had thrown yourself directly back into the line of fire the moment it had been John standing at that door and not one of the others. Anyone else and you'd have shot first consequences be damned, anyone else would have been lying on that pavement bleeding out while you made your way to the nearest vehicle you could hot wire. But it hadn't been anyone else and now look where you were, exactly in the place you needed to avoid. Don't get attached, Speck. Keep everyone at arm's length cause if you don't it'll come crashing down around you. Get out of your head now, you had a job to do and you would do it. Focus on the job, not the people you were running it with. Stop thinking about the fuckin Brit and focus you-

A clearing of a throat beside you caught your attention and once more forced you out of your own swarming thoughts. You turned that look of nonchalance back to the blonde, blinking a couple times as you cleared your head. "Yeah, you got a PDSW 528? Short range sights?" You had always preferred either an LMG or a submachine gun. Quick and accurate or fast and dirty, those were your only two modes and it showed in your choice of weapons. Wade pulled out his little notepad with a nod before you added, "And a 9mm would be good. X12?" It felt like ordering from McDonald's as you watched him nod again and write it down in his notepad. He turned like he was about to go before you stopped him, "Oh I'll need a first line EOD kit as well. And I like to roll with four flashes and two grenades usually too," the blonde seemed to hesitate then.

His eyes shot to the Captain behind him in his cage getting, at first, a sigh of annoyance from the Captain before the brunette nodded in response and Wade wrote that down as well. He slid the pen and notepad into his chest pocket and gave you a half smile, "Be back in a few minutes." He left through a side door then, stopping at another keypad to punch numbers into for only a moment before he disappeared.

You turned back to your newly assigned gear and gave it a once over before you started to pull it on. They were outfitting you with a tactical vest, a helmet, a radio, some ear protection, shooting glasses, a thigh holster, and a small pouch that would attach to your tac vest. It'd been a long time since you had been given a full setup. God it'd been two years since someone had outfitted you with an actual team radio and ear protection. And then of course you'd been given a new harness for Cerberus to boot with its own body length pack for anything you needed for him to carry. It was even the same style that you usually used so at least you wouldn't have to adjust to anything there.

Inspecting it closely you checked every buckle, every strap, hell every seam on it. There was no way you were gonna trust anyone else to assure Cerberus' safety, not this time and not this dog. "Hopp," you patted the table and the big Dutchie hopped up easily, standing eye level with you on top of the tall piece of furniture. The dog certainly looked his part with his thick fur, straight back, hard muscle, and proud stance. A sight that could strike fear if you saw that missile streaking towards you.

You unhooked his lead as you strapped the new vest on him. It was as black as the stripe of fur running from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail. And it blended in perfectly until it met with his deep, russet, fawn colored sides and their brindle patterning. There were three handles on the back portion, one close to his neck running perpendicular to him and another near the end of his back with the same orientation. The other handle ran parallel with Cerberus' spine ensuring no matter how you and the dog were standing you would always have control over him if you needed it.

Lifting him up you watched him go limp, the seventy five pounds of muscle completely pliant in midair. The handles held fast and you let out a breath, taking a close look at the harness one last time before Soap wandered over. He held up the heavy breaching charge and you tilted your head at it as you took it from him. It was bulkier than you'd initially expected but you could make it work. "Hopp," you issued the command again and Cerberus was at your eyes again with Soap watching. You grabbed the small pack meant to attach to Cerberus' vest and zipped it up inside before buckling it onto the harness and giving it a hard tug to make sure it wasn't going anywhere.

The second you and Soap both saw it stick easily he headed back to his cage to finish what he was doing. Just in time too because a moment later Wade returned. He placed the weapons down in front of you along with an ammo box and a few magazines for each of the weapons. Then he slid the flashes, grenades, and EOD kit into the little pouch before zipping it up and helping you attach it to the vest. "Anything else?" He asked quickly and you shook your head in answer, watching him basically run out of the room before he was assigned with something else to do. You had a feeling he was probably overworked and very underappreciated if Ghost’s earlier reaction to him was anything to go by.

As you finished loading the magazines and sliding them into their respective pockets on the vest a hand clapped you on the shoulder. You turned to find Soap's blue smiling eyes, "I'll put some fresh bandages over those stitches on the way there since you never came to see me last night." A quick answering smile and a nod and you slid the pistol into the thigh holster. "Why was that by the way? Ye trying to get them infected or something?" His eyes narrowed at you suspiciously as you steadfastly avoided them.

Attaching Cerberus' lead to the new harness John's loud voice rang out, "Let's go!" Saving you from answering the hard question, you could act with the best of them but good God you couldn't lie. The team filed out, everyone geared up to go into hell and back twice over.

-------

The car ride was long, especially with everyone packed into the same van. At least this time though it wasn't as small as the last minivan you'd been shoved into. Gaz was driving the cargo van for now, he'd switch places with Watcher whenever yall made it to the warehouse but it was safer to let him drive until you got there. You would have been the only option that was safer but you had no idea where you were or the roads to take to get there. And the Captain seemed more than content to keep it that way for now.

Everyone else other than the dark- skinned Brit was sitting in the back of the cargo van in varying degrees of wakefulness. A false wall keeping you all close in, in case anyone got any ideas in regards to inspecting whatever you were hauling. Bags and crates had been set into the back just beyond the wall as cover should it be needed. The space you were all in was just big enough for y'all to fit comfortably. Though the addition of an extra person would be a bit of a tighter fit you would all manage. It was still better than sitting squished together in your tac vests with your weapons and gear in the back of a loaded down minivan whose shocks were about to give out at any moment.

Across from you Watcher was laying against Konig's side with one long, heavy arm wrapped around his shoulders. The tall German had leaned over to lay against Ghost as he was about the only one tall enough for him to use as a pillow. Soap had buried himself in the Lieutenant's other side, his face hidden by a rather large bicep. His face was basically shoved in the other man's armpit and while you wouldn't have dared to get close enough to touch him, watching the Sergeant do it was kind of…cute? Yeah, cute. Meanwhile Ghost was staring absently down at a phone in his hand, scrolling through whatever had taken his fancy at the moment though he didn't really seem all that interested in it truly.

You, Cerberus, and John were on the other side of the van, quietly looking ahead. It was a task in and of itself not to lean over to lay against him. To put yourself into a comfortable sleep like the three men across from you had. You could feel him next to you every time he shifted positions on the floor of the van. Every fiber of your being wanted to touch him but there were way too many eyes. And not to mention when the undeniable urge for more set in there would be nothing either of you could do but suffer a round of blue balls in the middle of an all too important op. It wasn't worth the pain in truth. But God if he didn't look like a dream leaning back against the wall of the van, gun in his hands, and a boonie hat on his head. You had to admit that hat looked fitting on him. Like it was made to sit on only John Price's head. You highly doubted anyone else could have pulled it off, that much is for sure.

No, stop it. Job. Gun. Dog. You had an entire op still to get through, keep it together Speck. Quit thinking about him for two damn seconds please, for the love of God and everything else holy. Stop. So you tilted your head back, tuning out the world around you as Gaz took you to your destination.

A back alley that was a block away from your target building and just big enough for the van to fit into without tearing apart the sides. Watcher climbed into the front, dressed for the part in traditional thobe and taqiyah though nothing could really cover his undeniably pale skin and ginger hair. You could only hope no one looked too close into the darkened windows. Gaz joined all of you in the back as the false panel pushed open and you lined up in your respective teams of two.

John and Gaz would go first since they had to climb the stairs to the third floor. Then Ghost and Konig so they could engage at the front door first and draw attention away from you, Cerberus, and Soap going in through the back door. When John glanced back he got quick nods to indicate you were all ready and he pushed the back doors open.

Typically an op like this would have been done in the dead of night, but you couldn't wait that long. It was time sensitive and you'd already lost two days. The chances of your target no longer being there only increased with every minute you waited. So the sun sat on the horizon, sinking into the west but by no means was it nightfall. It wouldn't be for a bit, not yet.

The team stayed together until Ghost and Konig broke off first to head around the building. The rest of you continued around the back, John and Gaz turning the corner onto the street to head up the stairs to the top floor. You and Soap held on the back entrance, one on either side as you waited for the all clear to go. It was on Ghost's mark, whenever the Lieutenant decided to call it. Any second now. His deep voice finally came over the comms with a quick, "Breaching now." In the next couple of moments you heard the sound of voices inside becoming panicked.

Soap tried the door handle but the second he reached for it Cerberus let out a growl and you tensed, your arms already coming up as the door flung out and opened. Your eyes locked onto a face that was contorted in panic, eyes wide and mouth opening to let out a yell. Your hand shot to cover the mouth, slamming the man's head against the wall before you wrapped an arm around his throat and pulled him away from the door. It closed in the next moment and you saw Soap's look of surprise as your back found the wall. Arm locked around the man's neck as he struggled violently in your arms, kicking and trying to break your hold with wild elbows.

After some painful seconds though he finally slumped against you. You let him drop to the concrete as you watched Soap step forward, knife in hand. No witnesses it would seem. None who had seen your faces anyway. That was fine with you. When Soap moved back towards the door he waited until you tapped his shoulder before he moved inside.

No one else was in the halls but you could hear gunfire coming from the front door. Ghost and Konig's distraction was working out well it seemed. The Sergeant opened the stairwell door and you followed behind him, Cerberus at your hip. You kept an eye behind as Soap cleared upwards to the second floor, stepping backwards up the stairs in a cautious and steady rhythm. The door opened easily as the both of you moved quietly, the door of the second floor opening as you slipped inside. It was profoundly silent, almost unnervingly so.

It was so devoid of sound that when John's voice cracked through your headset you nearly jumped, "We've got the families on the third floor. They are saying Amaan is on the second floor. Soap and Speck I repeat Amaan is reportedly on the second floor. We cannot move to help you secure, too high risk with the families up here." Well there goes a wrench in that plan, it was just the three of you then, lovely.

Soap looked your way and took a step behind you as you raised your gun. Your eyes were trained ahead as you watched the hallway in front of you, glancing between each door quickly. Then you heard Soap answer, "Good copy, we'll get him if he's here." A hand tapped your shoulder and you moved forward at that cautious and steady pace. Clear each room and then blow the security door. Easy.

The first room was devoid of anyone. Much like the second, third, and fourth were. Your eyes shot to Soap who was either visibly nervous or confused, you couldn't tell in your own haze of thoughts. It was much too quiet for your liking and with a hitch already in your plan you didn't like the possibility of another. The second you opened the fifth door though bullets whizzed through the open doorway, both you and Soap scrambling away from it as chunks and splinters of wood dislodged. A belt fed heavy machine gun was eating away at the very wall. The fuck were they hiding in there that needed to be defended like that?

You reached for the pouch at your hip and pulled out one of the flashes. You made sure Soap saw it before you pulled the pin and tossed it through the hole that the person inside had shot through the drywall. Reaching down you unclipped Cerberus' lead in the next heartbeat and wrapped your fingers around one of the handles of the vest. The second that the flash went off you peeled around the corner, firing at the man holding his eyes behind the belt fed. You couldn't hear anything else inside the room but your neck prickled even after you felt Soap tap your shoulder to keep going. You held up a closed fist in answer and felt him freeze near your back. "Voran," you whispered and Cerberus darted around the room, tail waving behind him as he searched diligently.

When he stopped and sat down you lifted your gun higher, his eyes staring intently at a piece of plywood leaning against the wall around the corner. Your eyes shot to Soap, pointing towards it and he gave you a nod as you took up positions on either side. Both of you took a corner in your hand before glancing towards one another and pulling it off the wall. A shrill scream filled the air the second that light hit the small face. A child, a little girl, stared up at the two of you from the hiding place she'd been put in.

She tried to scramble further away, further back into the hole that had been cut into the wall but there was nowhere else for her to go. Even with her small size she barely fit inside. You couldn't move as you stared down at the face, it wouldn't have done any good anyway. There wasn't a little girl alive on the planet that didn't make you pause, and your palms sweat. They all reminded you of your own daughter, the one you hadn't seen in so long you doubted she even remembered you existed. That at one point you had actually tried. It always made you remember how terrible you'd been as a father, or at least how terrible your ex-wife had always made you feel. Always telling you that they deserved better, that your daughter needed an actual father not a man she saw maybe thirty days out of the year.

Children were not your strong suit. Just remember what your ex-wife told you. Stay away from them so you don't fuck them up more than you already had. It was easier than letting the stain of your existence cloud their lives forever. So you stepped back as Soap moved forward, whispering a quick, "Fuss," as you took up a position at the door. It'd be easier just to let him deal with her. You'd procreated but that didn't mean you were a dad or had any paternal instinct whatsoever.

The Sergeant spoke quickly to the little girl, his voice immediately soothing even to your ears, "Hey, it's ok. We aren't here tah hurt ye." He pressed the button of his radio as he coaxed the girl out of her hiding spot as gently as he could, "Got a little girl down here Price. You got a mom to match?" The Captain muttered something you didn't catch as Soap helped her out of the hole. "Hey, do ye understand me lass?" The little girl stared blankly at him, she didn't know English, at least not enough to answer him back. "Speck, does she understand ya?" The blue eyes found you at the door, barely keeping your expression neutral rather than full of the nerves that were about to make you sick.

There was a job to do though, so get it done Speck. You motioned to the door and switched places with the Scot, kneeling beside her and trying Farsi first, "Hey, do you understand me?" Light came to her eyes as she nodded quickly, and you smiled at her eagerness. "Good. We are not here to hurt you ok? We are looking for someone, do you think you can help me?" Her eyes flicked nervously towards Soap but she gave you a hesitant nod in answer, "Amaan al-Mustafa. Have you seen him today?" The little girl's face immediately fell into a frown so deep it aged her well beyond the eight or nine years she could count.

You didn't need to hear her say it, or see her nod, she'd seen him and she hadn't liked what she'd seen either. Her eyes were staring down at her feet, refusing to meet your gaze. God you hated seeing that look on her face, scared and just wanting to be held but not by some stranger. She wanted her mother like all children do. Hell it was probably her father currently laying on the floor dead right behind her. You glanced at Cerberus whispering, "Platz," as the dog sank to his belly beside you. Still speaking in Farsi you ran your hand over his head and smiled at the girl, "Would you like to pet the dog?"

"Yes!" Came her immediate response and her fingers immediately reached for the big dog, running her comparatively tiny hands over his head. It did its job in distracting her from the world she'd found herself in. And especially keeping her eyes off the man in the corner lying dead by your doing.

It kept her quiet and relaxed as you both waited for the Captain to get back to you. Not long after she started petting the dog you heard John finally answered, "We've got a woman here saying the girl is probably hers. Jasra?" She certainly looked and acted like a Jasra, brave and courageous even facing the horrors of war head on.

You were quick to repeat it back to the girl in a question, "Is your name Jasra?" Her eyes shot up to you and she nodded, "Would you like to go find your mother, Jasra?" Another eager nod as you glanced up at Soap who was already relaying to Price that it was in fact the girl's mother. "Come here, Jasra," you scooped the girl into your arm, glancing down at Cerberus with a quick, "Fuss," before joining Soap at the door of the room. "You get the breaching charge set, I'll be back in a second." The Scot nodded and unzipped the pouch at Cerberus' side, pulling out the heavy breaching charge before he moved towards the door. The two of you split up as you made your way back to the stairwell. "Captain go to the top of the stairs, I'm sending the girl up with Cerberus." A quick affirmative let you know he'd heard you as you opened the door of the stairwell.

A quick glance down and up let you know that the stairwell was still, thankfully, empty. Setting the girl down on her feet you gave her a reassuring smile as you took her hand and put it on the back handle of the Dutchie's vest. You hooked Cerberus' lead back onto the harness before pulling it off your waist and putting it in the girl's free hand. "Keep your hands here until you get to the man at the top of the stairs, ok?" She nodded quickly and you glanced up as the door above you opened.

Pressing the button on your comm you quickly told the Captain, "Call Cerberus." A second later the big black head lifted curiously, glancing up as he heard his name come from above. "Say hier," the dog's eyes shot to you, his head tilting as John repeated the command above you. He seemed unsure since it wasn't your voice giving the command but a quick, "Again," and the command sounding from John's mouth overhead and he took off with the little girl up the stairs.

Cerberus paused for just a second to glance back, making sure you weren't about to scold him, but when you said nothing he kept going. Closing the door you headed back down the hall towards Soap. "Keep him with you Captain, we're breaching the security door now," you said into the comm before you lined up across from Soap and gave the Scot a nod. The charge blew inwards in the next second and the two of you continued inside.

Three men went down outside any of the rooms the second that you tossed in a flashbang and pushed through the security door. He stuck to one side of the hallway while you stayed on the other side, covering one another in an x-pattern from across the hall. You ducked into your room first, one guy going down nearly immediately and the other trying desperately to dive for the cover of a desk before you put two rounds into him as well. You exited your room just before Soap came out of his, the both of you continuing down the hall in the same pattern.

Your next room was empty save for a few beds, but you heard more than a few shots from Soap’s side of the hallway. You stayed in your doorway, waiting for the Scot to be finished. Just as he rejoined you the next door on his side of the hallway cracked inward and a guy aimed your way out of the door, firing blindly around it. You put four rounds through the wood and heard a yell on the other side as the shooting stopped. The both of you moved forward together before Soap ducked into his side finishing off the guy you'd already downed and you stepped into yours.

The first thing you saw was the gun, the second thing you saw was the woman whose head it was being held to. The next thing you saw was the man behind her and his familiar face. Your HVT. Laswell wanted him alive, she’d said that multiple times as you all headed out, but shit happens right? Your ticking clock was already nearing the red zone anyway, it'd taken you and Soap too long to deal with the girl especially without the help of Gaz and Price like you had originally planned. And with Ghost and Konig busy making sure shit didn't hit the fan outside the building before you were all ready to leave there hadn’t been anyone else who could help the both of you secure the second floor.

As Soap exited into the hallway behind you, you heard him call your name. Just a simple callsign, but the man in front of you finally seemed to recognize just who the hell you were. The gun pointed your way in a second as he fired off a shot, inaccurate thanks to the woman he was still holding. You saw the panic in his eyes then, the gun shaking in his hand before he yelled in Farsi, "Back up!" There was still no shot on him and the gun was leveled at the woman once more. Either you comply or you sign her death warrant. Damn if you didn't wish you could put your signature on that blank line, but she was innocent and while you’d done monstrous things you weren’t inherently a monster yourself. This woman was not a player in all of this. She was being used just like most of the women upstairs had been, they didn’t ask to be in this situation.

Comply. You backed up a step and watched as he pushed the woman forward slowly in tandem with each of your steps. Soap was to your left on the side of the door, biding his time surprisingly patiently. Waiting to strike. He wasn’t destined to get it though as the man tossed the woman through the open door and slammed it shut behind her.

You immediately went for the doorknob jiggling the metal quickly as Soap wrangled the woman to the wall, checking her for weapons. You ignored the both of them as you glared at the locked door in front of you. Glass shattered on the other side of the door and you backed up a step before Soap moved to stop you, "Wait!" You hesitated as the Sergeant continued, his hand wrapped around the woman’s arm keeping her in sight at all times, "Man could have a bomb in there, Speck." Your eyes shot back to the closed door, eyes narrowing at the object between you and the man who had tried to kill you.

The desire for vengeance burned deep though as your glare shot back to the Scot. You then answered him cooly, "Better start running then, kid." Gaelic curses and insults followed you as your foot slammed into the door with a hard kick, busting the frame in as you pushed inside. Your gun leveled aimed head level but there was no one else in the room, just a busted window in front of you. Head empty of thought except for two words, 'Fuck it,' you took off after him. At least until Soap's hand grabbed your wrist and he stopped you dead in your tracks just before you painfully wrenched your still healing arm. "What the fuck are-" you stopped when you noticed what the man was looking at.

A case sat at the foot of the bed. It was unopened but there wasn't much else it could be other than the word currently running through your mind, ‘Bomb.’ Your head hit the clouds, too much had run through your mind before this whole thing started. Too much that was too similar to what had ended your last career.

Christ you'd even sent Cerberus away with someone else and now it was going to happen again. You were going to lose it all and it was going to be your fault. At least this time you wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of a monumental fuck up though, huh? The jostling of your injured shoulder pulled you out of your frozen state as Soap shot a glare at you and started to pull you with him along with the woman, "Come on we've got to get the fuck out of here. There is no telling what will set that thing off." That was probably best, yeah. For anyone else anyway.

Part of you truly wanted to follow him, to just leave without worrying about anyone else in the area but you couldn't. Not when you'd already let two of these things go off in the middle of the market because you hadn’t been paying attention. There was no telling how bad this one would be. How many people would die if you stepped away again? That wasn’t something you were willing to go to Hell with on your hands. Your suffering was already gonna be bad enough with that. "Price local law enforcement are gonna be here any second," Ghost’s voice came through your headset.

It distracted Soap long enough for you to pull your arm free and reach for your EOD kit. Squatting down at the foot of the bed even as he let out another string of Gaelic curses. John’s voice came through the headset next, "Soap status on the HVT?" After this was over you really needed to get him to say that more. It sounded truly adorable coming from him with that accent. You could just imagine him staring intently ahead as he asked for your status with that little hat sitting on his head. It brought a smile to your face even as you began inspecting the case.

The Scotsman backed up a couple steps as he watched you begin carefully. Running your hands over the sides of the case as you checked for triggers on the outside. "Potential bomb Price. HVT is gone though, we'll need the family," you could practically hear everyone in the building cursing. You’d lost the only reason you’d come here and it was your fault. You should have been quicker. Should have gone after him. Should have done something more, whatever you could.

No, focus, there was a potential bomb in your hands, you couldn’t afford to be distracted by the shoulda, woulda, couldas. You flipped the top open slowly, still checking for any kind of wire or trigger as you went. As the lid finally opened all the way you sighed and muttered to the man behind you, "Not potential anymore Soap. Definitely a bomb. Get to running," you leaned up to examine it better, listening to the Scotsman relay the information to the rest of the team.

You could hear the approaching sirens literally counting down the time you had left to defuse this damn thing and get out even though there wasn’t a visible timer as of yet. John's commanding voice growled out orders though in your ear, "Everyone get to the van. Bomb isn't our problem, we're leaving." No, the bomb was most certainly your problem. They could leave if they wanted to, in fact you highly encouraged it. You'd rather not have their deaths on your hands when you met your maker.

Ghost didn't hesitate to answer with an affirmative. And Soap was about to as well when he noticed you still weren't moving. Instead you were pulling another tool out of the kit as you ran a delicate touch over a wire. "Speck, come on, we've got to go," he urged you vehemently. You shot him a look but stayed quiet, keeping the majority of your focus on the most pressing matters right now.

No timer meant remote detonation was most probable. Or some kind of trigger in the room maybe. Unless it was a timer but without a face in which case there was no telling how long you had left until it went kaboom. Another smile at the sound effect you made in your mind before Price's voice came through over your headset, "Soap, Speck, do you copy? We're regrouping on the van. It's time to leave." Soap remained stubbornly still right behind you as you worked, still holding the woman by her bicep as he actively refused to answer the man.

A sigh left you as you pulled away from the case and hit your radio growling out a quick, "Copy Cap." You shot another glare towards Soap before you went back to work. He still stayed stubbornly at your side. At least until you said in the calmest tone he'd ever heard for someone messing with a bomb, "You should leave Soap. Make sure the Captain gets Cerberus into the van for me. I'll be there as soon as I'm done here, alright?" He scoffed at that and shook his head.

The man put himself even closer instead with a stubborn look in his eye, "I mean it Soap. You don't even know me. Don't know my name, you don’t know the things I’ve done. I'm not worth you dying over, kid. Besides, your Lieutenant might kill me again if I get you killed too, so please do me a favor and head on out ok? And make sure everyone else gets far away from here." You had a small smile on your mouth as you cut one wire linking a series of secondary detonators to the blasting cap.

Soap watched, his eyes flicking between you, the bomb, and the broken window you had nearly jumped out of. The sirens were nearly outside the building now. Probably trying to get through the crowded streets to the building's location. Slowly he backed up and shook his head, "You better not die here Speck." You gave a low hum of affirmation as he found the door. "And don't get caught either, we'll find you alright?" Another low hum of agreement and Soap took off back down the hall with the woman in tow.

The calm had overtaken you by this point. Feeling the cool chill of ice rush through your veins that cooled your heated body and stopped the adrenaline coursing through you from causing your hands to shake. No more remote detonation, but there was still the timer with an unknown detonation time. The wires were making your head hurt, or was that the law enforcement outside with their raging sirens. No. No it had to be John's voice that was currently yelling into the comms, "Speck get your arse down to the van now!" Yeah, no problem Captain, be there in just a tick. Little bomb humor, it made you smirk as you kept going. Keep a hold of that one for later.

You traced the wire back to the timing device, blinking a couple times as you held it between your thumb and forefinger. Talented at EOD you were not, but you were competent. Still you weren’t completely sure you were correct in your choice this time. The seconds ticked by in your head as you looked down at it. Tracing it once more to double check you held the cutters up to the wire and pursed your lips. You only mess up once right? Fuck it.

The wire split in half and you waited for the bright light. The searing burn that came with the heat of a bomb and the fires of Hell. Instead there was a click from deeper inside the case. Your heart stopped and you sucked in a breath. Fuck, fuck, fuck, what did you miss? You'd checked every inch of that bomb, what could you have possibly missed? You’d already disconnected the remote detonator. And the secondary tripwire triggers. Nothing, you hadn't missed a single thing. Your uptick in heartbeat slowly calmed again as you realized the click had been the bomb disarming. Holy shit you hadn't just killed yourself and countless people. Oh thank fuck.

Time to get out of here before you got yourself killed. You grabbed your EOD kit and closed it up, loading your gear back into the pouch at your side. As you slung your gun over your shoulder you heard something clink behind you and turned just in time to see the small looking canister on the ground. Ah shit. It went off right before your eyes and everything went white, your ears ringing as it disoriented every sense you had.

Your head tumbled dizzily with vertigo and you felt yourself stumbling backwards through a minefield of obstacles. Hands grasping desperately for anything to hold onto and keep yourself from falling onto the floor of the room. When your knees buckled and you felt like you were free falling though you felt bile rise in your stomach. The fuck? It wasn’t a grenade, shit was a flashbang what the hell had just happened?

The drop was long and good God did it hurt the second your body hit the ground, nearly falling on your head. Where the fuck were you? What the hell was going on? The bile in your stomach rose again before you could stop it and you turned on an elbow, the few contents in your stomach spilling onto someone’s shoes that had rushed to help you before they too scrambled backwards.

Pain coursed through your body as you stared up at the window you'd just stumbled out of and onto main street out front of the warehouse below. People screamed around you and backed up from your form. You were laid out on the ground on your back now. Your rifle laid across your stomach as you groaned and tried to push yourself up. You needed to go. Move Speck. Get the fuck out of here. Now Speck. Go! Move you idiot!

You stood slowly as the doors of the warehouse opened and you saw the officers beginning to file out, looking for you. Your eyes darted back and forth for some kind of escape route that didn't involve heading anywhere near them. If you didn't get off the main street right now though you'd be in a Pakistani prison by nightfall. You put your back to the officers filing out as you pulled at the straps of the helmet, taking it off of your head as you tried your best to blend in for as long as you could.

Don't look back, just keep walking Speck. You could feel the strap of your gun tugging at your neck as you went. It kept you as hidden as you could in the sea of bodies as the officers searched for you. The crowd was parting around you though like the red sea did for Moses. The second you heard the officers yelling you took off as fast as you could. Don’t look back, just go, the last thing you needed was to get caught.

Darting down an alley you tried to shake your tail in the maze of alleys and backstreets, but they knew the city better than you could ever hope to. Don't stop running though, not until sirens disappear, Speck. Your feet pounded against the hard ground, gun strap around your shoulder as you fled the scene. Another street was ahead, the only option you had for escape at this point. You certainly couldn't head back the way you'd come, not with the officers you knew were currently trying to track you down. Fuck it.

You sprinted towards the street but before you got there the cargo van skidded to a halt in front of you. Brakes and tires squealing in the effort. How the fuck had they found you? The back doors flung open and Soap and Gaz hopped out. Watching the way you were coming from with their guns raised. A few shots popped off behind you and they were quick to return the fire. John looked around the side of the door and yelled, "Get in! We are leaving!" Good enough for you. You hauled ass towards them, John reaching a hand out to pull you up into the van as you hopped inside. Soap and Gaz right behind you as they fired off a couple more shots.

The second John yelled, "Go, go, go!" The van took off before the doors had even shut. Watcher quite literally floored it as John, Soap, and Gaz worked together to pull the doors closed. You were leaning against the side of the van as the Captain whirled on you. Fire swam in his eyes. Barely controlled anger obvious on his features, "What the fuck were you thinking? Were you even thinking?" Indignation flared in your mind as you stood up straight. He was hot when he was angry sure but his questions raised that rebellious side of your mind and your chin lifted and your shoulders squared in response.

The need to rebel against the man trying to put you down fueled your actions, no one questioned your decisions but you. Even when you knew you'd be kicking yourself for it later you couldn't help yourself but to shoot back, "I was thinking I could keep a lot of people from dying. I was thinking I could do my job," you managed to growl out through gritted teeth. A much deeper growl came from behind the false wall and you heard the loud barks echoing through the small space. Claws scratched vigorously as Cerberus tried to get through to you.

John wasn't done with you though, his hand grabbing one of the straps on your vest and forcing you to lock your eyes on him, "I wasn't looking for an actual answer. Keep your mouth in check or I'll do it for you." Your teeth clenched together, watching as he stared down at you. The tension in the van was palpable as he reamed you verbally. Not even Cerberus' thunderous barking could break the attention the both of you had on one another. His anger was a front for his worry. You could see it in his eyes as the waves of fury danced in his eyes, parting for just a quick moment as he let you see it.

Your lips pursed, suffocating your own anger at being questioned, "Copy that, sir," you forced out. Watching as his eyes flicked down to your mouth you continued to stare hard at him. You wanted to call him out, say something that made him understand, but he didn’t need to know the guilt you felt. The guilt you always carried strapped to your back. His hand in your vest pushed you a bit harder, your back hitting the metal hard and drawing out a huff of pain from you in response.

The blue eyes staring down at you narrowed slightly before he growled, "When I give you an order you follow it. I say get back to the van, you get there like your life depends on it because it probably does." John stopped, his gaze not softening in the slightest as you gave him a quick nod of understanding despite the fire in your eyes. His hand loosened in the strap of your vest before he stepped back with a sigh and shook his head. His eyes found the two Sergeants staring between the two of you then, the both of them staying quiet in the suffocating tension. "What are you two looking at?" Soap and Gaz immediately shook their heads in answer, hands raising as they quietly claimed their innocence.

It was the first time you'd had a chance to glance around the back of the van. Ghost was watching with his arms crossed against the other wall. You hadn’t even realized that he too was back here. When a pothole rocked the entire van, everyone immediately reached for the nearest thing they could hold onto. Ghost found the wall behind him just as you did the same on your side. Soap and Gaz braced themselves against the doors and one another. John, who was standing in the middle of the van, fell backwards against you.

He tensed the moment he touched you as you steadied him with an arm around his waist. One of his hands slapped over the back of your own hand currently braced against the wall. While the finger’s of his left latched onto your forearm. Heat flared over your skin as he touched it, the calluses of his palm catching against the hair of your arms. Damn he felt good like this. His back pressing firmly against your chest as you held him against you with one arm. Barely catching yourself before you pressed your lips to his just barely exposed neck.

Your mouth would fit just perfectly right above that tan and black bandana he was wearing. Just lean up to that space right below his hairline where you could see that little string that kept his boonie hat in place. Standing up a bit taller you very nearly did it, blinking a couple times as you remembered just where the hell you were and the fact you had been at each other’s throats not even fifteen seconds ago. Your arm released like you’d been burned by a stove or something and you stepped back, moving your hand to the rifle instead as you huffed.

John seemed just as tense still as he adjusted his bandana, pulling it up at the back and refusing to turn around to look at you. Thankfully no one else seemed to have noticed your impulse control issues. How very near you came to kissing their Captain right in front of them. Soap walked right on by you towards the false wall and released the latch. In the next second a big body shot through the opening he created. Cerberus found your legs immediately, his ears pinned back against his head, tail wagging nervously behind him, and quiet yips like a puppy left his maw.

Soap snorted at the sight and opened the false wall the rest of the way to find that the separator that closed off the small cubby to the front of the van was closed as well. You kneeled down with the dog, whispering quietly to him as you fought to calm him down. When Soap opened the front false wall you glanced up to see Konig’s wide eyes staring from the passenger seat as he said, “Is the dog calmed down now?” His voice was a little higher in pitch than normal, like he was trying to hide his fear.

Your head tilted as Soap gave a slow nod, brows from around the back furrowed in confusion at Konig’s comment. The Sergeant stepped out of the way so Konig could see you with Cerberus on the ground, his belly up in the air in front of you. “I thought he was going to eat me. He did not like your yelling Captain, scared me to death,” you hid your smile as you pressed a free hand into your mouth. The other still running soothingly over the dog’s stomach.

John huffed and shook his head, “S’pose not. Speck needed to hear it though,” he grumbled as he found himself a seat against the wall and Konig made his way into the back once more. Everyone seemed to settle down after that, tiredness after a mission nearly being absolutely fucked weighing on everyone’s frayed nerves.

The only place left for you to sit as everyone piled into the little cubby of the van though was of course next to John. No sense in drawing this awkwardness out though, best not to make it obvious how averse you were to taking a seat beside the brunette. It wasn’t lost on him though, you felt his gaze on you, scalding your face with heat. When you glanced his way though he crossed his arms over his chest, shut his eyes, and tilted his head back against the cool metal of the van. You had a feeling you would end up regretting your decision to stay behind when he got the chance to get you alone later.

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that-spider-fan-over-there · 5 months ago

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I said I wasn't gonna post about the chapters until the official ones were out (and because I didn't want to go "spur of the moment reaction" for the last five) and in the process I FORGOT TO POST MY THOUGHTS ON CHAPTER 426 SO HERE IT IS:

I'll admit I'm not that engaged in the Todofam plotline despite being a fan of that trainwreck, but I think it was a pretty solid chapter, wish Touya and Shoto talked more but after the soba I don't think I would've handled it without crying "THEY'RE THE CHARACTERS EVER DAMN IT ;-;" lol (<- I say but I genuinely sobbed). Plus. 15 pages, can't complain with the amount of content we got.

Cheered when Natsuo cut him off and holy shit what do you mean that caused discourse, he has the right and was pretty much badass considering Asia's. *ahem* Values with filial piety so to speak. I don't think Rei's gonna take care of Enji, he might get himself a caretaker while Rei lives with Fuyumi or something. Maybe in that separate house he idealized (because basically if they divorce Rei wouldn't get anything out of it to keep herself up according to japanese laws).

And despite this being about the family getting closure, I don't think Touya's gonna die so soon, he and Shoto have to talk more and eat soba together after all. Plus he lived out of spite and rage, if he dies because he's guilty for what he did to Shoto that'd be. Fucked up. In my opinion.

Shoto saying he's gonna be okay because Class A is by his side. Have I ever told you guys I love him? No? Okay so: I love him and he deserves the world and his found family ;-;

I read Hawks as being the PSC president as a good thing for four reasons and they're all angst-related:

He wants to atone for killing Twice and therefore starting Himiko's breakdown/rampage.

He thinks he can try and do good considering he knows the system well enough. And it's also a way to take back control of his life in a way.

He doesn't think he can be free from his responsibilities because of the guilt he feels, so a little bit of a punishment for him. Can't call himself a hero anymore and being president will not change he has blood on his hands now. But he can try to make things better for others and avoid his mistake(s).

He can't go back from his Hawks identity. Touya exposed he's the child of a criminal and that's what the public sees Takami Keigo as. But fittingly with the themes of names, masks and self-identity, people would still see "former" Hero Hawks in a better light. And so does he, because he sees it as someone who can help and his real identity as something to leave behind.

(I am, of course, assuming he's doing it as his choice, if not, then I Do Have Negative Opinions)

Lady Nagant did stump me with the "Midoriya Izuku demonstrated something to the world". I let it slide with Toshinori because it can be read as him breaking his "hide but never lie" statement from Ch. 2 to comfort him, but unless somehow the vestige world was broadcast like the Steven Universe episode "Cry For Help", Izuku just reinforced he's Toshinori's successor, alright: punched a villain to defeat him with OFA on borrowed time and ended the fight Quirkless again.

And I'm saying this as a "Tenko gave reset OFA back to Izuku and/or Katsuki will help Izuku reignite the embers" truther. Tenko died on broadcast TV looking like Izuku killed him, and on purpose to boot, instead of being a horrible side effect of the transfer. Izuku is pretty much a tired repressed little sad sack close to losing it. (Dare I say Shoto, Ochako and Katsuki showed more to the world than him? That's the vibe I'm getting.)

So I'm assuming she meant Izuku's heart connected everyone to a singular goal of a hopeful future, something she didn't get? Since no one knows what happened in the vestige realm and even if they did, Izuku didn't get to talk to Tenko. But unless it's about these connections he made that helped him in the long run and "win" the battle, what did society see from Midoriya Izuku's actions? Good question that makes me more hopeful (or delusional depending on your point of view) about a potential sequel.

But apparently they barely learned anything because Trauma, from reading Chapter 427, but I'm still writing and processing my thoughts on that. An old lady should've been punched, tho.

#Boku no Hero Academia #spider.posts #BNHA spoilers #MHA spoilers #Todoroki Shouto #Todoroki Touya #Todofam #Lady Nagant #Hawks #Takami Keigo #Kaina Tsutsumi #Midoriya Izuku #it all comes back to him eventually XD #next one is gonna be so freaking long I Have Opinions #also someone said Shoto said he'll be okay with Class A by his side because the family didn't bother asking him and Now I'm Sad-#BNHA 426

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dxfiedfxte-a · 2 years ago

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@more-than-a-princess || Thread Continuation || Taken from here 🦋

♕ - Sonia

"Thank you, Minato-Kun," She told him warmly, "I'm sure I'll have no trouble with the sun this way! But you are right, I imagine it must be troublesome to reach the entirety of your back, especially when you are quite tall. Please, go ahead and lay down now and I shall see to your back." After all, Minato Arisato had given her zero inclination that, beneath the slim fitting of his clothes, he possessed shoulders that had seen their fair share of manual labor, and triceps that, as he laid down, Sonia could tell followed suit. He wasn't the type to spend hours in a gym, so she supposed that it must have come from his work and the loads of heavy equipment he and his co-worker schlepped from place to place, in pursuit of ghosts and other paranormal happenings.

Swallowing her anxiety and, hopefully, the last of those thoughts, she had to thank the supernatural world for giving Minato a reason to haul such heavy equipment to do his job effectively. The thought made her chuckle softly as she exhaled, humbled by her own nerves, and began to rub the sunscreen into his back. She needed to talk to him, to carry on some conversation so her mind wouldn't wander the way it had when she'd been on the receiving end.

"It's so lively here, much more than the beaches in Europe," She finally spoke. It wasn't exactly the pinnacle of intellectual conversation, but it was what Sonia could manage right then, as her hands skimmed over his shoulder blades before moving further south. "There, there's often a noise ordinance and far more sunbathing instead of sports. Those are usually assigned to separate beaches, so they don't disrupt the sunbathers. Or the yachts, I assume: an Earl from my country had a rather infamous public tantrum when a fellow tourist on holiday in Cannes rode a jet ski right into the side of his boat last year. And seemed to retell the story over and over, all the way until the New Year's Eve party at Novoselic Castle. But here in America...everyone just enjoys the weather and the sea together. I find that nice. And terribly enticing to run into the waves as soon as we're finished!" If not a cold drink, then dunking herself right into the ocean should be enough to cool her off. At least, that was her logic.

When it came to beaches, Minato did enjoy them, there had been several countries with beaches he'd traveled to for work, but because of his schedule and all he had to do upon arriving, he never had the time to check out any famous beaches, even on days off where there was no work because when there was no work to do, there were other things to do, usually, things involving fan-fair: interviews, guest appearances on some form of media, online, on television as well as the radio. Other things too, like public signings, Q&A's, and meet and greets, there was never a dull moment for Minato Arisato whenever he was on the road for a work-related trip, almost every day would find something for Minato to do, preventing him from being able to enjoy any free time that might come his way whenever he was in another country for his work.

To be able to actually enjoy a beach for once, felt nice, Sonia's company, was the icing on the cake that made this trip stand out compared to the others. The Paranormal Investigator had seen several parts of the world and visited many different countries and while eighty percent of these trips were work-related, each trip had its own memories that made it unique and special. The current trip would never be able to top the others and easily took his place on the best trip this year.

Minato's career, despite it being a profession that rarely saw this amount of success for most, was still very busy and was not by any means perfect, as it did come with its own share of ups and downs -- pros and cons like everything else, and it wasn't always involving things with the investigation either.

Not catching any evidence during an investigation was one thing, but that was just one of many things that played a factor in it, there had been other occasions of video editing mistakes or equipment malfunctioning, and there had been a few cases of those this year which was nothing but a bundle of stress for the trio at PQ, so a little vacation like this, was much needed, not just for Minato, but he was sure his other two investigators could also appreciate the little break from the laptop and computer screens that the three would stare at for hours in end.

[{ 🦋 }] - "Happy to help Sonia-Chan. Yeah, you got that right. Believe it or not, I used to be a bit shorter in high school. It took some time adjusting to my increase in height after I got to college, and reaching my back, is still a bit of an issue." A soft chuckle after his modesty.

He never thought he'd get this much of an increase in height, though he assumed that had something to do with his late father since he had been pretty tall, though it wasn't too surprising since his dad was a foreigner who moved to Japan after meeting his mother.

Already on his knees, Minato gave a nod before leaning forward, lowering himself to lay his stomach down on the towel as he prepared to brace himself for Sonia's touch, now it was his turn to try and keep his thoughts in the realm of decency, and try he would -- though this feat would prove a bit difficult, just how long had it been since he had someone -- let alone a lover, touch him like this as he felt Sonia's soft gentle hands begin to slather parts of his back in sunscreen.

Sure, it was the simple act of applying sunblock which was something completely normal at a beach, but even that could become a lot more tedious when you factor in several years of not being in a relationship - such was the case for Minato. Needless to say, this would probably be the most difficult seven to twelve minutes of Minato's life in recent years.

As he began to fight the urge to react vocally to the movements of Sonia's hands as he felt her gradually shift her touch from his upper and lower back and eventually to his sides, Minato's thoughts began to race a mile a minute as she continued to apply the sunblock, despite his initial struggle of keeping his mind out of the gutter, Minato could appreciate her willingness to make sure didn't miss a single part of exposed skin on his back and the surrounding region.

The bluenette was just about to start a conversation in an attempt to better assist himself in keeping his head in the right place, as he could easily let it wander onto more suggestive thoughts. It seemed Sonia was thinking the same thing as she chimed in before he could speak, a gesture that he was completely fine with considering that any sort of conversation would help keep him focused on her, and away from the more risque subject matter that threatened to distract his thoughts.

[{ 🦋 }] - "I know right? It's pretty crazy how much different some beaches in Europe are compared to here in America. You'd think all beaches would be at least a little similar, but when you look at American beaches compared to beaches in Europe, it's like they are polar opposites in terms of public rules. Kind of reminds me of something I heard online last week. In recent news, I heard that the island of Lipari in the Aeolian archipelago off the coast of Sicily, and Tropea in Calabria, announced that they would be enforcing fines for people who wear swimsuits when not on the beach, among a host of other new rules. Supposedly, they say it's to try and curb loutish behavior from tourists, which I can understand to a point. Not all tourists are the most respectful and courteous."

It was fascinating how different some beach locations in Europe were when it came to rules and guidelines, while some were very adamant about enforcing them, some were a little bit lighter with things and more strict on other things, so it all probably depended on the type of people as some tourists weren't exactly the nicest of people.

Minato nodded in agreement, while he could understand the reasoning behind some extremely strict rules, at least America was a bit more easy-going in terms of spending time on the beach, there was just something so great about American beaches that let you enjoy the beach as freely as one wanted, it made sense coming from a country that claimed to be a free country.

[{ 🦋 }] - "I agree. The beaches in America are welcome to anyone, there are no major rules or regulations, nothing but open fun on a public beach. My dad was a westerner, he was born in America, he would always tell me stories about his home country, and how he wanted to take me there someday. So, I guess he's one of the reasons why I like America so much." He says, his tone slightly somber as he took a moment to reflect back to his late father and all his stories about the west.

[{ 🦋 }] - "I know what you mean. In that case, once we're done here, let's not waste any time getting into the water." The conversation seemed to have worked, the couple had managed to keep certain thoughts at bay long enough for her to finish, and the moment he feels her stop, Minato puts his palms on the towel and pushed himself back up to his feet. As Sonia put away the sunscreen tube, Minato offered up his hand to help her to her feet, keeping hold of her hand after pulling her up, he kicked their beach ball a bit forward so it lands just on the shore before the body of water.

[{ 🦋 }] - "Thank you. Now that we're all blocked up, I can hear the ocean calling us, so how about we jump right in Sonia-Chan?"

Not waiting long enough to get her full answer, he leads their way into the water but doesn't go too fast so Sonia could keep up with his pace as the couple could feel their feet touch the water before eventually becoming submerged at their ankles and further up as they fully transitioned into the water with a light splash of gentle waves caused from their lower halves as they hit the water, the cool temperature of the water immediately putting them at ease from the heatwave.

#more-than-a-princess #ᴏɴʟʏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴇʟᴘ ᴍᴇ sᴇᴇ -- ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴇʀsᴏɴ ɪ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ (Mɪɴᴀᴛᴏ x Sᴏɴɪᴀ) - |ᴍᴏʀᴇ-ᴛʜᴀɴ-ᴀ-ᴘʀɪɴᴄᴇss|#ᴠ: Tʜᴇ Fᴏᴏʟ's Nᴇᴡ Bᴇɢɪɴɴɪɴɢ (MAɪɴ/Pᴏsᴛ-P4UA)#Fᴏʟʟᴏᴡɪɴɢ Mʏ OWN Fᴀᴛᴇ (IC)#//Congratulations to Sonia for keeping herself under control #//And not let her hands wander to.. /certain/ places #//Still I'm sure she lowkey enjoyed touching him -- he liked touching her ;p #//And now at last- it's splash time

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seiwas · 1 year ago

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niku baby!! i have seen so many snippets of this that reading it in full now i'm just... wow 🥹

the dialogue in this is impeccable, as in, i can almost hear gojo saying it exactly, and everything else, your scene-building, the dynamic between them, it just flows and i love the progression of this fic, really 🥺

your writing is always so effortless to read and that's a testament to how seamlessly you craft your sentences!! i really had to stop myself a few times to slow down just so i could remember specific points i wanted to talk abt omg 🤧 but anyway ! it's all under the cut !!!

i love the eye motif so so so so much and you weave it through the entire fic so wonderfully, without it being too much while making it fit so well, i wouldn't have even noticed it if i wasn't reading this so so so carefully omg 😭 it just relates so well to the theme of this entire thing!! that gojo can see reader, and he knows reader, whether reader wants him to or not.

he sees through reader when they say they're going to get food, when you made this line: "of all the weapons at his disposal, Satoru’s eyes are the most effective against you.", when he says this: “Could hear it in your voice.”, when you made this paragraph:

He can’t help but wonder: what would happen if you lost control? If you let your feelings— all the sorrow and all the rage, burst from your body? Would you feel better? Would you fall apart? Would you— Would you let him see? It’s not until that very moment that Satoru realizes how badly he wants that— to see you come apart from the seams, to be the one to stitch you back up again. The realization brings almost all thought and emotion to a startling halt, a split second of silence before Satoru’s mind is back online, the thrum of desire running hot in his veins.

^ i just aaaah rlly rlly rlly love stuff like that, and i think it's so in-character for him to have so many thoughts that are lowkey kinda obsessive when it comes to reader??? i think it rlly shows ,,, his manic side omg 🫣

then, there's also the callback to the eye motif when you wrote this: finally the two of you are actually seeing eye to eye, and then you bring back some portions of the earlier paragraphs later on and it's just!!!! such thoughtful writing!!! i am so in love with ur brain for doing that!!!

your dialogue, niku, is rlly just so so so great, and feels so true to character i don't know what else to say!!! i love the dynamic between gojo and reader, there's this kind of chemistry between them that i can't really explain?? kinda like they challenge each other, but in a good way?? (ur enemies -> lovers is showing HABSFHASBFJ) when he tells reader they're his favourite colleague, then reader says u say that abt nanami too and gojo is like ok so i have 2 faves, then reader is like what am i a flavor of the day OMGGG that dialogue went back and forth like table tennis i stG i LOVED IT

“You are such a dirty hypocrite, you know that? Do you talk to people? Do you rely on them?” “Excuse me, I—” “Yeah, fine, sure, you talk so damn much that people can’t get you to shut up. But you and I both know that it’s not like you’re saying anything of actual substance most of the time.”

^ when u dropped this i really 😦 felt like i lost my eyebROWS OR SMTH reader really said it and i'm so thankful they did ?!?!?!? omfg the read on gojo is so so so good niku PLS

the way you write gojo is just... so annoying omg 😭 he's so obnoxious but in a way that is so uniquely him sdhgbk when he does the whole classroom is haunted thing... i wanted to strangle him... you write him with the perfect amt of cockiness i swear

then when the tension builds up!! when he asks if they're friends and continues to blabber yada yada yapyapyayp and reader is just like 'shut up' OMG i swear when i tell u my eyes were going zigzag reading that then it immediately went: 😦 the buildup was insane!!! and i cannot believe... reader... PUNCHED HIM OMG 😭 i - wow- so deserved.... but!!! he holds reader !!! and they let him !! and it's just ... such a beautiful show of exhaustion... resignation... sigh

and you mentioned suguru!! and i loved that paragraph on him, and i love that you mentioned it bc it adds so much depth and context to how gojo is here, confronting reader, as a friend.

and i love how you included the whole bit about people relying on him, and that he really doesn't have strong feelings for it (it's just the way things are), but reader so adamantly refuses to be a part of his burden—"i don't want you to" they say and i !!! just !!! wow. that's so powerful!! and what plays after that, how gojo asks “What if I want to?” , and reader is still like idc, but gojo hugs them tighter 🥹 oh you know my itty bitty heart can't take that!!! there is so much unspoken care i think!! with that dialogue in the latter part of the fic and i am living for it!!!! u know i love me a like that!!!

Satoru cannot help but stare at you— at the face you're making. Committing the image to memory is just not enough. Taking a picture wouldn't be either. Satoru's fingers twitch, desperate to reach out as if your smile is something he can grab— something he can hold and keep all to himself.

^ and !!! u sprinkle little bits of gojo's affection too!!! the thoughts going through his head when he thinks about, looks at, talks to reader!! i just !! love those little pockets so much !! and when he realises in the end that friendship is not enough... im just !!! the way you're setting this up niku !!! it's so subtle but so so seen!!

"What would make my life nicer," Satoru announces slowly, mostly for the effect, "is a nice sorcerer friend who relies on me, tells me their problems and thinks I'm very cool."

^ when he says this!!! i cannot even begin to explain !!! how much my heart ached !! at this annoyingly endearing man!! how affectionate that line is !! without it being affectionate ?? i can't explain !!!

the following are lines i really liked!!! or paragraphs that were memorable to me!!

Or would your despair have clouded your vision?

^ i really like this line because it ties in back to the whole eye motif, just ugh ! brilliant !!!

It takes everything in him to not march straight into that classroom and terrorize you until you forget whatever it is that’s upsetting you...For now, he’ll just wait at the door and give you a few minutes.

^ that entire paragraph!!! i know u sent that to me bc we literally had a gojo-induced brain syncing moment omfg. the fact that he annoys u!! to get ur mind out of whatever it is thats upsetting u !!! i rlly do think he does that and i'm still AAAAH abt that paragraph even tho ive alr read it jsdgjba

“Because you’re not!” you shoot back. Something flickers in your eyes, and looking embarrassed, you quickly add. “At least not right now."

^ i remember u sending me this and i think i saw it as reader calling him out, but now that i have the full context i find it so precious that reader attached that bit at the end 🥹 comes to show how reader still believes in him a way.

"Right now, I'm concerned about you."

^ when he said this omFG U CAN BET I SCREAMED BHGASBAG i didn't expect him to say it so ouTRIGHT TOO 😭

He likes that analogy— reminds him of ice cream. If you were a flavor, what would you be? Something with a lot of different textures? Definitely something that’s subtly sweet, though. Not that it matters, it would be his favorite all the same— his only favorite.

^ i also screAMED AT THIS ONE HASBGHBG how his brain just sidetracks... i think that's so him 😭

In the stillness of this otherwise empty classroom it’s easier to hear the strained notes in your voice, the lie weaved into the melody of your words.

^ i love this bc its so cohesive !!! the usage of sound throughout it all !!

You’re giving him something he can work with...And of course, you caught him. He grins at you, guilty. “Maybe a little.”

^ u sent me that paragraph before too omg and didn't understand it fully at the time, only that i thought he was a little shit but omFG it hits so muCH DIFFERENTLY NOW HSDBGAJSD

"I'm not lying."

^ I FELT THAT

aaaaaand there's that!!! i don't know what else to say that i haven't already but to wrap this up!! your dialogues will always be my favourite niku!! so much is said without it being outright and that's so hard to do 😭 i know u said that writing from gojo's pov is annoying, but i love the way you did it!! 🥹 and i love the way you understand him 🥹 always!!!

(though we may) fall apart - reader x satoru gojo

notes: uh. so this started as a vent fic and it kind of evolved into this. in some ways it kind of feels like a character study, but writing from gojo's perspective is uh. a ride. additionally, this is meant to be a companion fic to between the moon's divide, though it's not required reading (especially since this fic takes place before that one).

contains: fem!reader (no gendered terms, no physical descriptions, but implied to be smaller than gojo if you look closely enough), gojo's absolutely bonkers pov, hurt/comfort, physical violence (in which reader punches gojo), mentions of anxiety and mental breakdowns

wc: 4.3k -> [read on ao3; account required]

Satoru has good eyes.

Not just in the sense that they're beautiful— because they are: clear as the daytime sky and bright as the stars in the night. His eyes, a breathtaking shade of blue, have been a source of admiration and envy all his life, captivating and entrancing people left and right, but their sheer beauty isn't even the best thing about them.

It's the fact that his eyes let him see, let him really see.

Perceptiveness is not a skill that Satoru Gojo has ever had to learn, but one that's been thrust upon him, branded into the hue of his eyes. There's very little that he doesn't notice– that he doesn't see. From subtle shifts in body language to the ebb and flow of cursed energy, there is almost nothing that isn't laid bare before Satoru's Six Eyes.

That's how Satoru knows that something is wrong.

To your credit, you’re very good at hiding it— years of practice paying off in full. No one seems none the wiser when you smile and say you’re fine. Satoru wonders if they actually believe you or if they just don’t want to open that can of worms, but he can tell— from the faint, yet dissonant undercurrent in your voice that you are anything but fine.

The fact that your cursed energy is wound tightly around your form, like a protective cocoon doesn’t help your case either.

But that’s probably something only Satoru, with his Six Eyes, can discern.

He makes it a point to not call you out for your deception in front of everyone— you like to wear a brave face, so he’ll be nice enough to not tear it down in front of everyone to see. Besides, if he did that, he would lose major brownie points with you, and he can’t be having that.

Satoru watches with careful eyes as you take the first chance you possibly can to dip from the conversation the other sorcerers have roped you into about recent missions. You say you’re going to go find food, but Satoru knows that you’re really saying that you’re going to go find somewhere to fall apart in peace, in solitude.

He’s nice enough to let you have your lies, but letting you have that is going way too far.

Satoru follows after you at a distance, feeling generous enough to let you have some semblance of space as you amble down the hallways of the school. Must be looking for some secluded classroom or something. It would probably be better for you to go home— that would probably be the best place for you to cry your little heart out, but you’re probably not thinking straight.

Lucky him.

You arrive at your destination, a classroom tucked away in the corner of the building and scurry inside, not even looking back as you slide the door shut behind you. Would you have even noticed Satoru standing there if you had looked? Or would your despair have clouded your vision? Satoru’s eyes narrow just slightly at the thought of that; somehow, he doesn’t like it.

All the more reason to rip that facade right off your face.

It takes everything in him to not march straight into that classroom and terrorize you until you forget whatever it is that’s upsetting you. Satoru reminds himself that he’s being kind— being generous and letting you have a few moments for yourself. Not that he’d really know, but he’s heard crying is cathartic, so it’s probably best to let you shed a few tears before he swoops in like the dashing leading man that he is. For now, he’ll just wait at the door and give you a few minutes.

But then he hears it— the sound of a soft, strangled sob, and before Satoru knows it, the door is flying open and he’s entering the threshold of the classroom.

You glare at Satoru and he knows you’re trying your best to look as furious as possible, but the watery eyes and wobbly lips really dampen the heat of your gaze.

He shuts the door behind him before he speaks, “It’s kind of creepy to cry alone in a classroom.”

Your eyes grow wide for a fraction of a second and you scowl at him before whirling around to turn your back to him. “If you’re going to be an asshole, then you can walk right back out that door and pretend you never saw me.”

Satoru can’t help but chuckle a little. No chance of that. Not in a million years. He steps toward you, circling around so that you’re facing one another again. Leaning down, he grins and says, “Now why would I do that?”

Stubbornly, you refuse to look at him as you struggle to answer. Satoru is well aware of that fact that you and he both know that he wouldn’t do that, but he’s interested in seeing what you have to say.

Finally, you answer, expression twisted and almost unwilling as you speak, “To prove that you are the nice and awesome teacher that you claim to be?”

“Oh, but I am,” Satoru says, rising with a laugh. “You see, the students were all scared because they heard crying, and thought maybe this classroom’s haunted. Naturally, being the very brave and super cool teacher that I am, I came to check it out.”

You stare at him, looking completely and wholly unimpressed as usual. “Do you just enjoy lying?”

“It hurts me that you don’t believe that I’m concerned about the students’ mental well being!” Satoru bemoans dramatically.

“Because you’re not!” you shoot back. Something flickers in your eyes, and looking embarrassed, you quickly add. “At least not right now.”

Satoru smiles, pleased at the implications of your addendum. He's well aware that his easy-going demeanor makes it hard to believe any claims of sincerity. Most people, which sometimes includes you, think he's full of hot air— but he really does have the students' best interest at heart and he's glad to know that, deep down, you remember he does too.

"You're right," he says nonchalantly, his smile only widening as the surprise makes itself apparent on your face. He bets that you thought he would stick to the usual script: insist that he's always concerned about the students. You should know better though since Satoru revels in making unpredictable plays. "Right now, I'm concerned about you."

The completely stunned look on your face is priceless. Your lips are slightly parted, your eyes blown as wide can be, still a little red from the tears you shed before he walked in. Something about your expression is softer and Satoru wishes he could immortalize it in a more tangible sense, but for now he decides to settle by committing it to memory.

Quickly, your shock gives way to your typical annoyance, your defenses rising in response to Satoru’s earnestness. There’s something about it that’s almost exciting about the thought of tearing them back down. “You really do like lying, huh?”

“I’m not lying,” Satoru says plainly. “You are my favorite colleague, you know.”

It’s not a lie. Your eyes narrow in clear disbelief though. He would expect nothing different from you. “You know, I’ve heard you say the same thing to Nanami.”

Satoru smiles, unshaken by your accusation. “Okay, so maybe I have. Who says I can’t have two favorites?”

You give him a pointed look. “So what am I, the flavor of the day or something?”

“Sure,” Satoru agrees with ease. He likes that analogy— reminds him of ice cream. If you were a flavor, what would you be? Something with a lot of different textures? Definitely something that’s subtly sweet, though. Not that it matters, it would be his favorite all the same— his only favorite. “So what’s with the waterworks?”

There’s a split second of hesitation before you respond. “Nothing. It’s— I’m fine.”

If Satoru wasn’t sure before, he is now, more than ever; you’re not fine. In the stillness of this otherwise empty classroom it’s easier to hear the strained notes in your voice, the lie weaved into the melody of your words. He tilts his head, a wry grin playing at his lips. “So, who’s the liar now?”

A scowl blooms across your features and the sight of it stirs something in Satoru’s chest. Satisfaction, maybe? It doesn’t seem quite right, but he is pleased that he’s read you so effortlessly.

“I— just— it’s nothing,” you grind out. It looks almost as if you’re going to add something else, but you don’t, as if you think better of it. Can’t have that. Your reticence is kind of annoying, but Satoru doesn’t care all that much; he’s sure he can coax it out of you.

He leans back down so that he’s at eye level, reaching up to pull his blindfold down and reveal his eyes. Your entire body goes tense, but Satoru ignores it as he places a hand on his chin, making an elaborate show of examining your face. “You sure about that? You seem kinda agitated.”

You don’t respond right away, your gaze transfixed on the hue of his eyes. Of all the weapons at his disposal, Satoru’s eyes are the most effective against you. You’d never admit it, but you’re weak against them; the brilliant blue of his irises never failing to entrance you. It might be a little mean of him to wield them against you, but Satoru is known for being ruthless.

“That’s—” you start, the words catching in your throat before you force them out. “That’s because you’re all up in my face right now, Gojo.”

Another lie. Mostly. Some of your agitation is definitely proximity based right now.

“Then let me rephrase; you’ve been kinda agitated since you got back from your mission earlier.” His hand moves from his chin to his ear and he taps it lightly. “Could hear it in your voice.”

The revelation leaves you looking absolutely mortified. Satoru is almost delighted because he can practically hear you asking if you were really that obvious. He plays with the thought of telling you that you were. It’s not a complete lie, but not a whole truth either, after all, not everyone is as adept at reading you as he is.

You recover fairly quickly, shoving your embarrassment aside as you say. “Don’t worry about it.”

He grins a little. “Worry about what?”

Your expression shifts to the very definition of exasperation. Satoru thinks that if you were intent on keeping whatever it is to yourself it would have been better for you to just double down on saying it’s nothing and that things are fine. Unfortunately, you just gave him something new to latch on to pry you open with. Of course he’s going to use it. In clear frustration, you sigh, “Just… just drop it, Gojo.”

“I really am worried though, you know.”

You eye him warily, not bothering to conceal your suspicion and doubt. “You don’t look very worried. In fact, you almost look like you’re enjoying yourself.”

Satoru’s eyes widen just a tiny bit. You most definitely don’t realize it, but his persistence is wearing you down. Even though you’re still denying him the words he’s trying to wheedle out of you, you’re no longer handing him the absolutes of ‘it’s fine’ and ‘it’s nothing.’ You’re giving him something he can work with, something he can use, like a puzzle he’s just started to figure out, so of course he’s enjoying himself. And of course, you caught him. He grins at you, guilty. “Maybe a little.”

You rip your gaze from Satoru, jaw clenching as you bite back whatever foul words you want to hurl in his direction. It’s pretty obvious that you’re pissed by what he said and while he could have lied to you, he doubts you would have believed him. Besides, Satoru’s trying to show that he’s the honest one here.

It takes you a second to wrangle your rage back under your control as you defuse yourself with one deep, deep breath. Even though you lash out at Satoru all the time in response to his antics, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen you explode in actual anger. You’ve gotten close dozens of times, sure, but each and every time Satoru has seen you swallow your feelings, forcing them down into parts unknown. It’s not like he can blame you; as sorcerers, you’re trained to control your emotions because losing control could very well be the difference between life and death.

Would you let him see?

It’s not until that very moment that Satoru realizes how badly he wants that— to see you come apart from the seams, to be the one to stitch you back up again. The realization brings almost all thought and emotion to a startling halt, a split second of silence before Satoru’s mind is back online, the thrum of desire running hot in his veins.

“My feelings aren’t for your entertainment, Gojo,” you say coolly.

You’re right. You’re wrong. You’re misreading this entire thing. “That’s not it. Not entirely anyway.”

It's obvious you don't believe him. Rolling your eyes, you say, "Gojo, you are such a—"

"I'm not lying."

The interruption stops you short, drawing your gaze to him and finally, finally the two of you are actually seeing eye to eye. Your pupils are blown wide, defenses demolished in the wake of Satoru’s earnestness. He watches as your eyes dart around, your mouth gaping wordlessly as you try to find something to deflect, to deny him.

Eventually, a scowl returns to your face, agitation at its very peak. “You are just—! Look, I’ll be fine, okay? You don’t need to worry about it.”

There’s a note of finality in your voice that makes it obvious that you do not want to have this conversation any more. Satoru doesn’t care, even though he knows at this point the two of you will just end up talking in circles. It’s kind of annoying, and even though he could do it all day, it’s time.

It’s time to rip that mask of yours right off.

“It doesn’t matter if I need to or not,” Satoru says, his tone serious. “Because, whether you want to believe it or not, the fact of the matter is that I am worried.”

You don’t challenge his words. In fact, you don’t say anything at all, but there is a shift in your energy and something about it doesn't seem quite right. Something in Satoru’s stomach shifts uncomfortably and it takes him a second to realize why.

Your silence reminds him of Suguru.

Of all the things Suguru didn’t say. Of all the things that Suguru swallowed— his curses, his feelings, his worries, forcing them down, down, down into parts unknown until he just couldn’t any more, until they came bursting from him, like bile, like vitriol consuming Suguru, twisting him until even Satoru could not recognize his best friend any more.

Satoru had seen the signs, after all, there is almost nothing that isn’t laid bare before the hue of his eyes. He’d seen the exhaustion set in Suguru’s face. He’d seen the way his cursed energy would wind so tightly around his form. He’d seen something was wrong.

But Suguru had said he was fine. That it was nothing. And Satoru—

Satoru had accepted that. Perceptiveness is not a skill that he has ever had to learn, but what to do with that which his eyes see, to comprehend that information, understand it, and act accordingly— those are skills he’s still working on. He saw Suguru was struggling, but Satoru thought that it was fine because Suguru said so. If something was really wrong, then Suguru would have told him because—

“We’re friends, aren’t we?”

Satoru is quiet. You are quiet. The room is quiet. Everything is too damn quiet.

So, Satoru does what he does best: he fills the air with the sound of his voice. He prattles on and on, knowing somewhere in his mind that it might not make you more amenable to opening up to him, but he can’t stop the words from spewing his mouth, like bile, like desperation, begging you to not turn out like his best friend. “Friends talk to one another, they rely on one another, so you don’t have to feel scared or shy about it. So—”

“...shut up.”

“Huh?” Satoru pretends he didn’t hear you. Your voice is quiet enough.

“I said ‘shut up!’” you repeat, your voice far louder. You take a half step back, one of your arms winding back, your hand balled into a fist like you’re about to punch him.

Satoru lets you.

The loud smack of skin on skin contact echoes throughout the room as your fist collides with his cheek. He reels back a bit, it didn’t hurt all that much, but… “Man, you really know how to throw a punch.”

Satoru rubs his cheek a little. Now that he thinks about it, maybe he really did need that for a second there. He looks down at you and the look on your face is absolutely horrified. It looks like someone just dumped ice cold water and now you’re frozen to the spot, scared, soggy, and surprised. There’s no doubt that you thought that your punch wouldn’t connect, that you thought the hit would get lost in the infinite space between you.

Your fist drops to your side like a sack of potatoes. As it does, your energy finally begins to unravel. Like a puppet whose strings have been cut, your entire body wobbles, and Satoru steps forward, wrapping his arms around you before you crumble to the ground.

He expects you to complain about the fact he’s holding you.

You don’t.

Instead you grumble, your voice muffled by the sound of his clothes, “You are such a dirty hypocrite, you know that? Do you talk to people? Do you rely on them?”

“Excuse me, I—”

“Yeah, fine, sure, you talk so damn much that people can’t get you to shut up. But you and I both know that it’s not like you’re saying anything of actual substance most of the time.”

He smiles wryly, though you can’t see it. “And what about right now? We’re talking right now, aren’t we?

“I’m talking.”

“But are you saying anything?”

You scoff a little bit. “About the same amount as you right now.”

Satoru hums. Sounds about right. “I do rely on other people, though. You don’t see me taking on every mission, do you? Not like I can do everything on my own.”

“People act like you can.” Something in your voice sounds almost bitter and for some reason Satoru’s chest aches at the sound. “I just feel like everyone depends on you too much because you’re the ‘strongest.’ Like, what are they going to do if you’re not around?”

“Your lack of confidence in me is kinda rude, you know,” Satoru says dryly. “Do you think something’s going to happen to me?”

“...no,” you answer, reluctant in your honesty. “But I don’t want to be one of those people, not if I can help it.”

He can’t help but laugh. “Don’t think I can handle it?”

“I don’t want you to,” you admit and Satoru frowns, silent as you continue, “I feel like you’ve got enough to worry about already. I don’t want to be adding my crap to it.”

Satoru is more than aware of the burden on his shoulders. Carrying the weight of the world is no easy feat, but Satoru has always been up to the task— accepted it, embraced it even, his waiting hands ever ready and willing to take on more.

Satoru wouldn't mind if you gave him something more to hold.

“What if I want to?” he asks, sounding a little cheeky.

You start to push on his chest, trying to free yourself from his grip. He doesn’t let you. “I don’t care."

Satoru's arms tighten around you in retribution. Your body is a pleasant sort of warm and in the back of his mind Satoru thinks that he wouldn't mind basking in it a little. "Now, that's not very nice at all."

"I don't care!" you repeat, voice muffled as you struggle against him. "I’m not going to be responsible for contributing to any of your possible mental breakdowns.”

“I don’t have mental breakdowns," Satoru points out. He’s not sure if you realize it, but he’s very good at compartmentalizing, prioritizing his thoughts, his feelings. And more than that—

“Yeah," you say, that bitter sound saturating your tone once more. "I imagine the strongest sorcerer can’t afford to.”

“...something like that, yeah,” he says with another laugh, loosening his grip on you. But he doesn’t let you go completely. Not yet.

You pull back enough so that he can see your face, and your frown almost looks like a pout. It’s kind of cute. “Maybe you should think about it some time. I think it would do you a world of good.”

Satoru pretends to consider it. He sees what you’re saying, and maybe you're right, but he can't. He's built different from you. Different from Suguru. “I thought about it and sorry, but no can do.”

You snort, but you don’t seem all that upset at his refusal; honestly, you probably figured as much. “Must be nice to be you."

"Could be nicer though." Satoru gives you an exaggerated sigh.

You eye him suspiciously, but ultimately take the bait and indulge him. "How so? Do you want everyone to worship the ground you walk on?"

He frowns. He's almost insulted. Almost. "You really think I'm that conceited?"

"Sometimes," you answer with a sassy sort of smile.

He pouts, "Well, you're wrong."

"Uh-huh…"

"What would make my life nicer," Satoru announces slowly, mostly for the effect, "is a nice sorcerer friend who relies on me, tells me their problems and thinks I'm very cool."

You gawk at him before you start laughing. Hard. So hard that tears start forming at the corner of your eyes— that, by the time you're done your breaths are labored and heavy. Satoru is a little offended because he's being honest, but that pales in comparison to the relief he feels seeing that whatever was bothering you seems all but forgotten now. It's less likely now that you'll tell him what was actually bothering you but Satoru thinks it's a small price to pay to know that you're feeling better.

Besides, he has a feeling what it could be and so there's next time.

For better or worse, there will always be a next time.

"I'm afraid you're a little shit out of luck there, Gojo," you say once you've caught your breath. "I think your standards are a little high."

He grins. "I only deserve the best, you know."

"Then maybe you should be better first."

"I'm a great friend," Satoru insists. He knows it's not quite the truth, there are ways he could be better, could have been better. For you. For Shoko. For Nanami.

For Suguru.

But he's trying. Here and now. He's trying.

"Are you?" you ask.

"Maybe you should tell me," Satoru retorts playfully. "You know, you never did answer my question earlier."

You blink and then look away, looking a little ashamed.

"You didn't forget, did you? I'm hurt!" Satoru exclaims, exaggerating as he always does.

"I didn't forget!" you say.

"You so forgot!" Satoru shoots back. "But you can make it up to me by answering me now. And no lying this time, got it?"

You scowl at him, looking petulant and it's adorable enough that Satoru is willing to consider giving you a pass if you refuse to answer. Because, even if you don't say it, Satoru knows— no matter how rude you are to him, no matter how much you bicker with him, no matter how much you deny him, he knows the truth.

He doesn't think you'll admit it.

But to his surprise, you do.

Your answer is barely audible, a quiet sort of grumble. "Of course, we're friends… I can't believe you're actually asking me."

Satoru can't help the smile that spreads across his face, elated to hear you acknowledge the friendship between you however reluctant you may be about it. Despite that, there's something, clawing at the back of his mind, demanding and insatiable. You've just admitted to friendship, but Satoru quickly realizes that that's not enough. His fingers twitch again, striving to grasp something else, something more.

"How am I supposed to know that if you don't confide in me a little more?" Satoru asks.

You don't answer. He knows that you know he has a point.

"Listen, you don't have to tell me everything." Even though he wishes you would. "But, if something is seriously bothering you, don't go running into a classroom to cry alone. Just come to me instead."

You groan. Reluctant as always. But it's not a no, and that's good enough for Satoru.

At least for right now.

"Promise?" His voice is soft and gentle, almost a plea.

Satoru couldn't be there for Suguru, but the least he can do is be there for you.

"Okay," you answer, your voice matching his and Satoru wonders if you know, if you realize. "I promise."

#u have been working so hard on this !!!#i am so proud of u for getting this out !! in gojos pov too !! his annoying ass !!!#and the long titles !!! welcome to the club.... lmao #but truly niku #i loved this !!!#everyone pls read !!#u will go thru this quick... wont even feel liek 4k sjhdbsak #and i like how it isn't outright romantic but it still hits !! in all the right ways !!!#i love love love !!#fic review #jjk #satoru #niku tag #hurt/comfort

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bearsinpotatosacks · 2 years ago

Text

Almost Perfect

Goose survives the accident, barely. He lies in a coma covered un tubes to help him survive and Carole is almost used to it. Except one night, someone else sits by Goose's bedside with some interesting news to tell.

Words: 2250

Carole took a deep breath as she walked out of the bathroom. Looking at the clock, she realised visiting hours were almost over, not that that mattered with how many nights her and Mav spent curled up at Goose's bedside.

Bradley came out of the bathrooms shaking his wet hands. He rubbed his eyes and made grabby hands at her.

"Mommy, I'm tired." He stated with a yawn.

"Okay, baby, let's go home," She scooped him up and held him on her hip. He blinked slower and snuggled under her cardigan. "We'll just say goodbye to daddy first."

He was dealing with this as well as any four year old could. Part of him still didn't know what was wrong with Goose, the other was hyper aware of all the tubes and wires coming out of his dad's body.

She was just glad she had Mav. Sleeping was already hard and would've been impossible without him to talk to on all those lonely nights. There were far too many things to think about.

How much of the medical costs will the Navy cover? If there's long term effects, not really an if anymore but she could hope, will they support them? How much of a pension will he get? Will he be able to work? Will she be able to support them all on a library assistant's wage? Will she have to quit to look after him?

What if they can't make enough money to cover medical bills? What if they take the house? What if they take Bradley? What if Goose can't relate to her after the accident and leaves her? What if they can't take the stress and split up? Would he get Bradley? Probably, she doubted her abilities as a mother sometimes despite all Goose told her otherwise.

How will she cope alone? Her mother wouldn't take her in, surely not? She'll side with Goose, everyone will and she'll deserve it.

She can't do this. She can't do this. She can't do this.

Waking up from her thoughts, she realised she was at Goose's room already. That familiar weight was on her chest. Like a stone she couldn't shift.

Looking into the room, her eyes fell onto Goose's unconscious form. A tube came out of his mouth, two up his nose to help him breathe. A catheter came out from under the tightly tucked sheets. An IV was wedged in his arm, the bag was almost empty, the nurse would be there soon to replace it.

She wondered if it would be the nice one, who let her curl up at his side, or the harsh one who treated Goose like a porcelain doll in a museum. She practically knew them all by name now.

His neck was in a brace. A large bandage covered his head. His blond hair was shaved harshly and stood up in clumps. She wasn't allowed to brush it, the sticky pads measuring his brain waves couldn't be touched.

That had shocked her at first, them testing his brain, but she'd soon understood how much of a miracle Goose surviving was. Although no one was sure if he'd ever wake up, and she spent a fair amount of time wondering about that possibility too.

It was only once she'd assessed Goose's unchanged situation that she realised someone else was in the room. Slider.

She hadn't talked to him much alone, only with the other men from Top Gun. He seemed nice enough, a little cocky but genuine. Although she wondered if that was a facade like Mav or if he really was a bit of a dick.

She went to go in and talk but stopped when he sniffed. Perhaps she should leave him for a moment.

"Look, Goose, I don't know if you can hear me, but I need to get something off my chest-" he lent on his bent legs, "so maybe it's a good thing that you can't hear this, or can't reply."

He sighed, deeply. There was a shudder in his breath. His figure was silhouetted by the dark, nighttime lights of the room but she could see how his large frame looked small.

"And if you can hear me, and hate me for what I'm going to say, then okay. We'll probably never see each other again anyway."

He rubbed his face, "Let's just get this out of the way, I've got feelings for you, Goose."

"I think I'm falling in love with you," he sniffled. "And you're lying there in a coma and I may never know if you feel the same way."

She stopped herself from going in and comforting him. Because she knew that Goose reciprocated, she'd heard him blabbering about 'Slider this' and 'Slider that' in the weeks leading up to her and Bradley joining him out here.

Although, she didn't know if Goose knew that. And surprisingly she wasn't averted to the idea. Navy life was hard and if he could find some relief, with someone she liked, then why not? It would clearly be more than mindless sex, and her husband definitely still loved her.

But Slider didn't know any of that.

"And you've got a wife too," Slider continued. "So that kind of settles how this is all going to end, doesn't it?"

"You don't love me, you love your wife, like you should, and I'll just be heartbroken because I got too caught up in how whimsical you are,"

He looked up from his hands. For a moment he just stared at Nick, listened to the steady beep of his heart monitor and the regulated inhale and exhale the machines maintained.

"Remember high school?" He said. "Does Mav know we knew each other in high school? Does your wife?"

He shook his head, "High School Track Team, we took it so seriously, you ran the fastest 5000 metres in the school and I just couldn't beat it."

A beat went by. Slider was building up to something again but it took a little less time, perhaps the flood gates were well and truly open.

"I'm sure you remember our after practice 'rewards', god we really were desperate, weren’t we?" He said. "Horny teenagers, exploring ourselves with the only other person we knew we could."

"I expect that your wife doesn't know about those make out sessions behind the locker rooms."

No, she didn't know that. She knew they went to school together. Goose's mother had his class photos, Slider, or Ron as he was known then, was always listed underneath alongside the other names. Apparently they even went to the same church, although Ron wasn't in the church choir like Nick was.

"I thought for so long that's all we'd be, I think that's all I wanted, or thought I could have, for a while," he said.

"We had ideas of flying together, you'd be my RIO, but when we got to the Academy, we drifted apart. I met Iceman and little did I know, you met Mav and your wife. And that was that, we didn't meet up at all and I was left reeling for years because I realised how much I liked having you in my life."

He gestured at Goose. Carole realised how peaceful he looked, like sleeping beauty. She knew he wouldn't wake from a kiss.

"Because you make everyone feel like a friend," Slider continued. "Everyone's welcome when you're around, and back then, I was so insecure and having that presence in my life, even if it was just for make out sessions behind the locker rooms, did me good."

He ran a hand through his hair, "And I forgot about you, thought I'd got over you, but then you showed up in the O Club and, god, you looked good enough to eat."

"I mean, in your whites? Moustache filled out? More muscle on you? I had to make a joke or I would've gotten myself dishonourably discharged on the roughing you right up," he chuckled.

Carole agreed with him there. Whenever she saw Goose in uniform, she had to physically restrain herself from leaping at him. She sure showed him how much she thought a uniform accentuated his body when he was on leave, too.

"But it wasn't just that. You'd just gotten so much better than high school," he said. "You're confident in yourself, know yourself and you've got a life you're comfortable with now."

Sitting back in his chair, he sighed, "And I fell head over heels in love with you and just couldn't stop myself."

For a moment, he didn't say anything more. She didn't think much more needed saying. She knew she wasn't meant to hear any of this but couldn’t help but find herself endeared to him.

There was something about him she liked that she couldn't quite put her finger on. His confidence didn't seem to be making up for something like Mav’s was yet it wasn't all he was. From his speech, though, he hadn’t always had that balance. Him being easy on the eye helped also.

"But look what's happened," Slider continued, gesturing at Goose's unconscious form. "You almost broke your neck, or did apparently but survived? I don't know, I heard it all from Ice and even he's not sure."

"I can't help but feel like it's my fault. Because if I hadn’t been so smitten with you then maybe I would've thought about the jet wash and you wouldn't be here."

He broke down into tears. His head dropped into his hands and the silent room was made darker with his sadness.

"I'm just so sorry,"

With that, she stormed in. Bradley stirred on her shoulder but was still well asleep. It had been a full few days and they all needed their rest.

Slider jolted up with a start. He dried his tears with the back of his hand, "How much of that did you hear?"

She chuckled and sat next to him, "All of it."

His eyes widened. He gulped, not meeting her face at all. He settled his gaze on Goose's feet.

"I bet you hate me, then?"

"Hate you? What for?"

"For falling in love with your husband? Most people wouldn't be okay with that."

She rolled her eyes and pushed Bradley back onto her shoulder as he rolled off. He was slobbering, open mouthed and adorable. She pulled her cardigan further over him as a makeshift blanket.

"Well, I'm not most people." She said simply. "And I don't blame you for falling for Goose, I'm surprised I don't have to fight off suitors whenever I see him in uniform."

"You're right, there,"

They laughed together. Slider sniffed but still couldn't look at her.

"I think he feels the same way, you know,"

He perked up, "Really?"

"Yeah, whenever he's not saying how much he misses me and Brad, or how much of an idiot Mav is being or how stressful Top Gun is, he talks about you."

Slider shuffled in his seat, "What does he talk about?"

"'Slider's gotten so muscular since high school, he seems much more himself, he makes such a good RIO, I should ask him for tips, I should ask him what uses for his hair, it looks so nice,'" she said. "So all the usual things for a crush."

"How do you feel about him having feelings for me? You are his wife, after all, being okay with me liking him is different than the feelings being reciprocated."

She pondered for a moment and thought of them. Thought of Goose holding Slider's face like he held her's when they kissed, thought of him dragging him up to dance or chuckling on lazy mornings and it made her face warm. Warm because in each of them, she could picture herself there too.

That was unexpected. Maybe there was something more to the things she'd picked out about Slider than just noticing her husband's appreciation of him. Because seeing him close up was giving her butterflies, being here with him and Goose felt complete.

"I'm okay with it," she settled on. "Of course it'll take some getting used to if you both give it a go but I just want him to be happy."

She looked at him and her face dropped. All the wear and tear of the day caught up with her and her eyes felt heavy.

"I just want him to be happy."

Tears dripped down her face, her body shook yet she tried to suppress it so to not disturb Bradley, still sound asleep on her shoulder. Everything, all the worry, all the sleepless nights, couldn’t be held back.

Slider pushed her head onto his shoulder. His hand fell naturally on the back of her neck as the tears slid silently down her face.

"I'm so sorry," Slider whispered.

She shook her head, "It's not your fault."

"Yes it is. It was mine and Slider's jet wash."

"It was a mechanical fault, you can't see jet wash, apparently, so it's not you nor Ice nor Mav's fault, okay?"

He just gulped and nodded. His eyes were sparkly with tears. Settling his head on hers, she took comfort in the communal solemnity she'd found with him.

They sat, not talking for a while. She knew she had to get home, back to her sleepless nights. But for now she was happy staring at Goose with him while the monitors beeped and Bradley slept on her shoulders. It was almost perfect.

I originally planned for this to be part of a wider polyam au, a follow on from A Heart to Hold, but I wasn't feeling that, so this will be it's own separate thing from that. I think I'll still make that a whole AU, with gooslider later on but for now there's this.

These three have really taken a hold on me, thank @blurrwar for introducing me to the idea of them in this post, I may write more for them because there isn't much apart from @pollyna and @littleroosteruwu who are doing God's work. Also my friend @tophatcat459 is a major help for brainstorming various ideas and ships.

I hope you enjoyed this 😆

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ballorawan740 · 3 years ago

Text

SCP Scenarios: SCP x Fem!Child!Hybrid!Reader

Requested by: @nightfoxyycats

I'm so sorry this took longer than expected T_T

(Yes Ik it's longer than the others I do, and that's cuz I usually end up mixing the headcanons into drabbles/one-shots, but this time, I kept it as bullet points and I got carried away. Oops. And yes, it's easier to write headcanons this way but it'll end up being long af)

When Cain first met you, he overheard and was curious about this new SCP during a test, so he decided to come and watch, from afar of course.

Anyways, the little test was just a plain and boring one and little (Y/N) was taken back to her containment cell after 10 minutes. Cain had requested to see you as he remembered seeing in your file that you can breathe fire and cry lava among other things due to your dragon abilities.

It's not like he didn't believe them since he's been in the foundation for many years, but he was just curious about a hybrid child like you and wanted to see if you were doing well. You being a shy child was quiet at first and when Cain went to visit you every so often, you both became close and he was a father figure to you, even though you were abandoned by your father since birth and your mother died not long later.

He took good care of you and made sure you were well fed. You were rather polite to the guards and staff so Cain wouldn't need to worry too much about you intentionally killing them. But only for a short period of time as who knows what you'll be like when you're older.

Luckily for Cain, you were also carnivorous, so he didn't have to worry about you eating your 5 a day (not that you wanted to anyways you ungrateful meat-eating child).

Whenever there's a containment breach, the first thing he does is to look for you

Aside from some side effects, he isn't worried too much as he wouldn't receive any wounds anyways so hell just charge towards anyone who looks/sound like you

He's basically your new dad ok?

SCP 076 (Abel)

Abel first came into contact with you during a containment breach

He just saw you casually flying around and occasionally lending the guards a hand by breathing fire just to burn some holes for easier access (how professional)

He saw you again moments later when you were alone and you decided to approach this hulk of a man to ask for some help, thinking he worked there. Abel had abandoned you (like your hopes and dreams left you a millennium years ago) but you insisted on going with him so he took you in

Later his rage in the facility had vanished as he had cared for you for the short period of time he had met you and handed you over to the guards, much to their surprise

He then ran away as he's not totally scared of kids or anything and hid in his box

You insisted on visiting 076-2 and so the researchers did, realising much later that you both had bonded. Abel was a parental figure to you.

A very overbearing protective guardian I must say.

Even more so when there's a containment breach

Like imagine 610 and 682 mashed up together to form an extremely hostile entity and that's Abel for you

But that's only if you were hurt, if you weren't or fit was just a normal containment breach, had be extremely worried

SCP 049 (Plague Doctor) (Guy's pls don't be mistaken, I don't have any beef with 049 ok? XD If I make any characters a little OC then 049 will gladly rid the pestilence from you without consent)

This sassy MF so-called doctor right here met you when for some reason, the doctors had decided to put you both into a testing room (no, it wasn't Bright's idea).

049 was just doing his thing as you just sat on a really high chair (cuz you do be short so ofc you wouldn't be sitting on a lower chair which is lower than your taste in men/women) and watched curiously. The doctor thought it was somewhat cute and laughed slightly from your curiosity.

Sensing that you didn't have the pestilence, he allowed you to scooch closer just to see. After the test was done, the guards took you back out with slight aggression, but you, for some reason, were still polite to the guards despite their aggression which made 049's heart swell due to your pureness.

You yawned slightly and accidentally blew out fire from your mouth which almost caused a containment breach if it weren't for 049's quick thinking

Later on, the researchers had decided to put you both in the testing room again, and you both began to bond as 049 requested you to burn the bodies he performed surgery on

Needless to say, you both had a great time and the researchers were mildly amused

If you somehow knew another friend (*ahem* 035), he'd probs ask him/her to care/loof for you if there were a containment breach

Or he would just sigh and look after you himself if you were closer to 035 and he asked so nicely

SCP 035 (Possessive Mask) (Right about 049 being sassy.... I'll take that back, 035 is the sassiest, right next to a certain sculpture in the foundation)

Anyhow, 035 was actually the reason you were stuck in the foundation anyways

God knows how, but you met this guy wearing this theatre mask and you ended up here in the foundation

Now everyone thought you were either a Keter or Euclid

I mean, you were so close to being put into the Euclid class but ended up in safe since you were so polite to the researchers as well as shy and relatively easy to contain... For now

Whenever they used you in a test, you were rewarded with whatever you wanted, within reason ofc, whenever you behaved well which was like 98% of the time minus minor accidents since you weren't entirely in control of your powers

Sometimes instead of a reward, you'd request to see 035 as he would perform to you and that was only granted when its safe to do so and when that hideous mask would do as he/she/it is told

035 would be that somewhat overprotective yet goofy uncle that everyone loved and he was totally wrapped around your fingers unless you were hurt or if he urgently needed something or someone

If there was a containment breach, he'd look for you, if not he'll call out his 'friend' to look out for you (*cough* 049 *cough*)

When 035 finds you, he'd most likely ask you to fly around to see the nearest exit or he'd just carry you when there's someone chasing you

If 035 were to kill anyone, you'd cry and tell him no to which did end up in burning the floor but oh wells, they're rich enough to contain him so why not use the extra money to rebuild the floor right?

Anyways, 035 loves you no matter what and he'd do anything to make sure you're doing well

SCP 999 (Tickle Monster)

Ok so, when you and 999 first met each other, you were kind of just wandering around the facility minding your own business

999 just casually slithered up to your leg and offered you some sweets and a hug since you looked upset and so you accepted it

You both found a place to sit and just talk bout stuff and what life was like before you were captured

But you were cheery just like 999 and rarely attacked anyone, and if you ever did, it was either that you were hella pissed or you accidentally breathed fire/teared up some lava which burnt some stuff

The researchers would secretly take in some notes bout your interactions and just continued on with their day and left you both alone, but would sometimes keep a stern eye on you

They say it's for everyone's safety, and that's true to an extent, but the main reason they do it is to monitor your progress of you controlling your powers

Anyways, sometimes when it gets busy in the cafe or down the hallway, you just fly across the room, and sometimes, you'll be extra cheeky and play hide and seek with the researchers

999 would occasionally join in but he's more like a worried older brother to you

During containment breaches, 999 would run around looking for you and when he did, he would check if you had any injuries

When you say you didn't, he was relieved but not for long since you mentioned bout making new SCP friends and he just died right there and then (not really)

SCP 682 (Hard to Destroy Reptile)

Similarly to Able, he'd be wary of you at first

Like, he can sense that you weren't just an ordinary child when you just appeared behind him

He was somewhat irritated when you followed him around, but you reminded him of 053, so he just let it slide and let you show some affection towards him

It's not like he didn't like it, he was just embarrassed

Anyhow, the researchers wanted to test how 682 would bond with you, so they made you meet up with him again but in his cell

You were both chatting like father and daughter and soon, everyone had found out that not only could you fly, you could also cry lava, which yes did burn a small hole on the ground and you could somehow breathe fire

You were also immune to the fire and lava so they decided to have a full-on body check and discovered that you were built similar to the komodo dragon with a side of 682 (XD Don't ask)

682 was left stunned, but luckily he didn't feel the need to run up the wall like that bunny

Like who tf invented a self-eating bunny?

Anyways, research shows that just like Abel, the giant lizard was very protective of you

The theory has it that you were somehow related to the lizard, perhaps he laid an egg before containment and some guy took it in and froze it then decided to hatch the egg

During containment breaches, he would basically rampage around the facility, killing anyone and everyone until he found you

And when he did, he would check on you like the amazing father he is and then carry on killing but was then stopped by you

So he would just carry you around until you fell asleep

SCP 105 (Iris)

I think Iris would be a good mother/sister figure when it comes to kids

It kinda came from the fact that Iris hangs out with Abel and Cain a lot, so it kinda just rubs off her

Her motherly/sisterly instinct just heightened when she first found you on a mission and she just took you in

It took a while to bribe the foundation that she kinda had custody

Not exactly custody, but she had a say when it came to your safety, especially the fact that you weren't exactly human and your appearance would cause a disturbance to others

I feel like Iris would be a stern yet kind guardian towards you, leaning towards the stern part since you're a child SCP and has fire breath and lava tears

Iris wouldn't be entirely bothered by you flying around, but she had to bribe the researchers and some SCPs to help you fly better

She would murder anyone who had to cry because they made you cry and cleaning up after your tears is such a mess considering that you have little control over them

Your fire breath on the other hand is slightly more controllable, but if you were hella happy or mad you'd breathe the fire and burn anyone/anything

Most of the time, its unintentional and you're usually sweet and kind towards anyone, so manners aren't a big thing for Iris to teach you

She'd even teach you some of the stuff she learnt/discovered and you'd just sit there being nosy and curious about everything

Like that one time, you almost caused a breach cus you were so curious and friendly that 682 was about to snap off your head and rampage out of the foundation

And don't even get me started with the brothers and 096, OML

Other than that, you both were like a family you never had :,) (You're welcome!!!)

During containment breaches, Iris would literally pick you up and run

Unless you weren't with her for whatever reason (Yes, you're attached to each other's hips... Don't lie, you love it!), she'd do anything to find you

If you were hurt, shed tend to your injuries immediately and lecture you about safety

If you weren't hurt, shed still give you a lecture, then pick you up and run

If you made friends on the way, she may or may not approve and bite of anyone head

And the foundation wouldn't want an Angry!Iris around

SCP 106 (Old Man)

This old man here is basically the definition of a cool uncle/granddad

Without a doubt, he'd go into his pocket dimension and comes back with a teddy bear or some sweets

He'd spoil you a lot and the foundation had enough of this cuz by the time you become an adult, you wouldn't be independent enough

Anyways, 106 would let you go into his dimension and practice your abilities there for the safety of others

The researchers would occasionally ask you to carry a camera with you just so they know what it's like in his pocket dimension

106 rarely gets mad, and even if he was, it'll be about someone trying to hurt you since you're too kind and shy to make him mad

You're even kind to the researchers and guards which is worrying to 106 as they might take advantage of your kindness (which may be true for some, but most of them are just glad you're kind since it makes their jobs so much easier)

Sometimes, you'd make things levitate which was a shock to anyone who walked by and witnessed this

But only for a few seconds though, so it's not much

106 would encourage you to use your telekineses and he'd attempt to train you

Which didn't work so well, so that sucks

During containment breaches, he'd use his pocket dimension to his advantage

He'd hide you in there just so you don't have to get hurt

If you weren't there with him, he'd kill and hunt down anyone who might know where you are

He'd make sure you weren't hurt otherwise he would go into scary uncle mode

If you weren't hurt, he would just hug you which stops you from crying lava

SCP 096 (Shy Guy)

Now what makes you and 096 a unique pairing is that you're both shy

The only difference is that you can speak but 096 kinda doesn't

But that's not a problem since you both just understood each other since day 1

I'd say 096 is that introverted uncle/cousin but he's kinda chill and sweet with you

As for containment breaches, the only difference with this tall guy is that not only will he kill anyone who sees his face, he'd also hunt down anyone who'd hurt you

096 has a newfound ability for this and the researchers were shocked when they first found out

A certain chainsaw loving doctor wanted to test it out himself but was stopped rather quickly by the other researchers

Anyways, one time you almost burnt down the foundation because 096 crept up behind you which scared you to tears

And you screamed as well which didn't help at all since you could breathe fire

Also, when you're not with 096, you'd use your levitating powers to grab lighter objects which did result in the objects falling onto your head

And this is why you need to train more, so then objects wouldn't be yeeted onto your tiny head and knock the nonexistent brain cells out of your nonexistent brain - Sorry not sorry (Ok so at least pretend to laugh)

If anyone bullied you and you didn't say a word, 096 would know and even if you tried to stop him, it wouldn't work

Unless you're in a life-threatening situation, but even then, he'd kill the guy

Dr. Simon Glass

Unlike the others on the list, you're the one who approached the doctor

Mainly because you were lost, but you were curious as well

Simon would probably be the best person to run into, other than Kondraki, but still

It's because he's a psychologist and still very much human (I mean, Kondraki's a normal human I guess, but he has those butterfly thingys)

Anyways, when he first saw you, you were in his office flying about and crying lava

Simon saw you and was shocked but attempted to calm you down and get you you sit with him for a bit, then call the others

But boy did that not work out, because this poor innocent boi was boutta get killed by your firey breath cuz he startled you too much

Bright, Kondraki and Clef just strolled in and saw the mess and even attempted to get you to chill, but this didn't work either

So poor Simon Glass had to find his way to get you to stop being so scared which obviously worked

You sat down with him and he let you doodle on a blank piece of paper

And being a good psychologist he is, he used psychological methods to get you to feel comfortable and to start talking to which you did

You were so polite he gave it to a chocolate bar, but instead of taking it off his hands, you used your telekineses to levitate it in your direction

Simon recorded what he had seen before letting the other researchers take you and offered to take you under his wing on the condition that you were you have a check-up every now and again

That wasn't much of a problem since you were so polite and chill - Usually

During containment breaches, he would make sure that you were safe first and it wasn't so difficult to deal with you since you were with him most of the time

When you're not with him, he'd be extremely worried like a mother hen and run in any direction that would take him to you

He'd be relieved to see you and if you were hurt, he'd bandage you up and try to not cry

If you've made new friends, he would be very happy about it - Unless it's a Keter or Euclid class

They'll be on his watchlist

Anyhow, Simon Glass is basically your mother and mentor

He'd teach you all the basics you'll need and help train you if he can (he'd most likely have to ask the other doctors and SCPs with some bribery)

Dr. Jack Bright

Our favourite doctor here would be that goofy uncle/dad

I feel that he'd sympathise with you since he's also an SCP (sorta) and he feels kind of trapped in the foundation

If you're lucky enough, Jack might be able to take you out for an hour for some fresh air

You'll automatically be under his wing and nobody will ever question it. Ever.

Although he may be goofy and does stupid things, he would be surprisingly protective and his fatherly instincts kick in right away since he first met you

He would allow you to use your powers to an extent and teach you how to use your power properly

You are well aware of his anomalous abilities with his neckless, so whenever Bright had to change bodies, you'd automatically know where he is (other than the obvious neckless thingy)

If there were to have a containment breach, Bright would panic but quickly become calm as that's the only way he could find you and keep you safe

When he finds you he would give you that lecture while finding any scratches on you

If you were to grow, he would give most guys the dad glare of the century and all those guys would run tf away cuz nobody messes with Bright's newfound daughter

I have high doubts that he would let anyone do tests with you when he's not there and even if he was, they would need his approval, so most of the time, you don't even need to worry much

Dr. Alto Clef

(OML Why do I keep adding new characters?! There's so much to write T_T)

Right, so when Clef found you, it was like as if his long lost (well... not so lost) memory came back to him

For some reason, you reminded him of 166 (OML I'm so lost for this SCP, like boi she had a rewrite)

So he took you in the foundation like he did with his daughter and took care of you Since he works for the foundation, he's not remotely terrified or anything, but he's curious about your abilities

And of course, you managed to use some of your abilities because of some SCPs and Bright Clef took you to meet 166 and you both showed your abilities and since 166 is older than you, she's probably trying to help you control your powers more

Which, of course, makes Clef a proud dad

If there were any containment breaches, he'd panicked but once he found you with his other daughter, he was relieved

166 made sure that you weren't hurt and if you were, you'd be bandaged up so Clef doesn't have to worry too much

Anyhow, if Clef decides to introduce you to the tiger doctors, he'd make sure Glass is the first since he's the most sensible person (but let's face it, he wouldn't admit it)

Then it'll be Iceberg, Coggs (that's his name right), Light and a couple others Bright and Kondraki would be last since they would be somewhat chaotic (mainly Bright) even though they're the fun uncle

Whenever Clef has a mission, he'd shove you to either 166 or Glass, if he's free, if not then it'll most likely be Light (and if she's also busy, then yall screwed)

And bless the guy who takes an interest in you when you become a teen cuz our messy boi would make sure that guy would suffer

Dr. Benjamin Kondraki

Ok let's face it, Kondraki would definitely be the mother hen of the dad world in the SCP Foundation

He's literally your mother, kinda like Glass but kinda not, ya know what I'm saying?

Like he'll feed your curiosity since many people around you wouldn't and you're an SCP so you're trapped in the foundation anyways

I'd say he's quite cautious and caring, obviously, but if he's out and about, he'd definitely let you go with him

Unless he's going out for a mission, then that's a definite no-no

He would let you hang out with the safer SCPs like 999 and maybe 166 if Clef is chill, but he has to let you hang out with her cuz she's the only other SCP who could help you get a grasp with your powers

Like how to not burn the bloody floor when you cry and stop breathing fire inconsistently by accident

An attempt was made when they try to train your telekineses but they'll have to wait till you're older

Since most of the time you're stuck with Kondraki, I don't think he'd be all too worried bout breaches, of course, he'd be worried about your safety, but you're there with him

If not then god knows what Kondraki would do

Like that one time, he begged Clef and Bright to look for you in which they did but then they made him do something for them in return

Let's just say, it wasn't pleasant at all, but it could be worse since Clef had a shred of sympathy left for the man and Bright just wanted chainsaws

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babymetaldoll · 4 years ago

Text

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse, torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

#Spencer Reid #criminal minds #spencer reid fanfic #babymetaldoll writes #cm fanfic #criminal minds fanfic #Emily prentiss #Aaron Hotchner #jennifer jareau #derek morgan #penelope garcia #emily prentiss #babymetaldoll edits #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfiction

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ailelie · 2 years ago

Text

labels: vegetarian, christian/lutheran, cis woman, asexual/demisexual

I think about the labels I wear sometimes, not the relational ones (e.g., daughter, oldest child, sister, aunt, friend), but the ones I've chosen or kept over the years.

I'm a vegetarian. I wanted to become a vegetarian when I was in elementary and middle school in a bid to save the rain forests. I disliked how forests were cut down for farmland and becoming a vegetarian was my own personal boycott. I knew it wouldn't have any effect, but I wanted to show that I cared in some way. My parents, though, said 'no.' In my senior year of high school I became a vegetarian because my parents could no longer control what I did or did not eat. I intended to only do it for a month just to see if I could, just a sop to my younger self who never had the chance, but then I didn't see a reason to stop. I remained one through college until I went to Japan where I wanted to try all the food. I remained an omnivore through grad school because it was easier and cheaper. Then, a year or two after moving to Chicago, I became a vegan. I had brought an apple pie to a party and another woman, who was vegan, was about to take a bite because I told her it was safe, when I remembered, at the last moment, that the crust had real butter in it. I promised to bring a real vegan dish to the next event. I spent a month researching and started to realize that I could be vegan. It wasn't as hard as I thought. So, again, I decided to try it for just a month. But a month passed and I didn't have a good reason to stop. I remained vegan for a few years, stopping only when I realized that I was staying one out of spite and that I disliked how my dietary choices complicated going out with friends. So I became a vegetarian again.

I don't have the zeal of my youth or the need to prove myself anymore. I learned a lot of the tricks during my first bout of vegetarianism and being vegan taught me a lot more, so I don't have the rush of learning something new either. I don't have a good reason to be vegetarian. I don't buy into the idea that it is a better lifestyle. Sometimes I miss how easy being an omnivore is. But this is a label I've chosen.

I am a vegetarian. It is as much a part of me as my glasses (I could do contacts; I wore them throughout high school. I could get lasik. I chose and choose glasses).

When I decided to stop being a vegan, I didn't even consider going back to eating meat. The years I ate meat don't feel like the norm; they were my break from being a vegetarian. I made a decision in elementary/middle school to become a vegetarian and from that point onward, practicing or not, I was one. Vegetarian feels like my default setting. Maybe I stick to decisions too long out of stubbornness. I don't have a good reason to stick to this lifestyle. I also don't have a good reason to stop.

I am a Lutheran. This is a label I picked out during college, but only made a official a few years ago. I grew up Baptist and then just general Christian. I attended a Lutheran church in college when I attended church at all and after that, whenever I've moved, I've looked for Lutheran churches first.

I explored alternatives in high school and early college. I read widely on paganism. I toyed with atheism. Sometimes I still do. Sometimes I wonder whether I believe in God or if God has simply become a habit.

I like Lutheranism because it isn't Catholicism (which I have issues with; my family are black sheep on my dad's side because he switched to Protestant and raised us the same), but it has rituals and liturgy. I like saying the Lord's Prayer before communion, knowing that thousands of other people across the world are doing or have done the same. I like the tradition of it all. I also deeply appreciate that my church is extremely liberal and acts on its commitment to social justice.

That said, if I moved and I didn't have a good ELCA Lutheran church nearby, I'd join a different denomination.

I'd keep Lent, though. I started Lent in high school because I was tired of my one Catholic friend making such a big deal of it. I gave up potatoes. Horrible idea. When the year rolled around again, though, I continued to practice it. No one else in my family observed Lent, but I couldn't let it go. I didn't have an understanding of why people did Lent, so I made my own. It was a reminder. Every time I reached for or thought about that which I'd given up, I'd remember God and Jesus and what they'd given up. It was a yearly rooting in my faith.

I tried to stop being a Christian, but I couldn't. What I've figured out is that, for me, faith is about questions and doubt. If I'm not wondering, then I'm not believing. Only questions I can't answer are big enough to hold the God I believe exists.

So I am Christian and I am Lutheran. The first label is absolute. The second label is the one that fits best now and one I've liked in the past and am comfortable with now. But I'm still learning what it means to be Lutheran vs any other denomination. I'm still figuring out why it matters. (My parents church hopped a lot when I was younger. We ended up at some Baptist churches, but I don't think those were the only ones we attended. They would discuss each church with each other after the service in the car and I would eavesdrop. From them, whether they meant to teach me or not, I learned that no church and no pastor has the authority to declare what is and isn't Christian. That has been extremely important to my faith).

I am a cis woman. This is one I was born with and have kept. I have felt like a very poor example of femininity in the past. I was teased about being butch in high school by a friend who knew it bothered me. I once heard a man on the phone say "yeah, all the guys are out" or something similar and then spent half a block reassuring myself that he hadn't meant me. That was only 4-5 years ago.

I was extremely girly as a child. I cried when my parents put me in pants. I wore bows throughout elementary school and part of middle school. I got tired of dresses and stopped caring about what I wore just as my peers started caring a lot. I hate hassle, so I didn't care for make-up or trendy outfits. I wore what I found comfortable, but I still wanted to be recognizably a girl.

One year, for Halloween, I wanted to be a cowboy not thinking of that as a gendered thing. But my mother gave me a five o'clock shadow. I hated it. I didn't want to go trick or treating. I didn't want anyone to see me. I cried, but my parents didn't change my costume. I still remember that as my worst Halloween, even worse than the year my parents got worried about the holiday as a devilish thing and decided we wouldn't do any celebrating beyond some "Boo" glasses.

In elementary or middle school, I started to worry that my voice was too low. I practiced speaking in a higher tone to be more girly.

My hair is dark. The hair on my upper lip grows in dark. I hate it. I've learned to ignore it because waxing is a hassle and, as established, I also hate hassle. In high school, I practiced different smiles to try and hide the hair in the shadows.

I'm less worried now, thanks to friends playing with gender in different ways, but I used to fear someone basically telling me that I wasn't really a woman. That I haven't played the part well enough. That my whole identity was really a mistake.

I'm more secure now, but I still don't enjoy role-playing as other genders. It feels like slipping on an ill-fitting, itchy suit.

I'm demisexual. Technically, I'm biromantic demisexual. I have felt attraction and desire before. I fully believe that if I know and trust someone, I can feel it again. For the most part, though, these days I just tell people that I'm 'under the ace umbrella.' It is easier.

I used to think I was straight. Then I was told I was bisexual by a stranger online. Then I wondered about being a lesbian. Then I figured I was straight again. Then I was back to bi. I was the definition of questioning, except that I never let anyone else into my head. I've only had one real 'coming out' conversation, which led to my friend clarifying that despite her undergrad explorations, she wasn't into women. I told people at work recently and felt like it should have felt like more. That feeling when you think you should be feeling a feeling. No one else made much of a deal about it, though. Part of me wishes someone had? I don't know. I did have one girl, point blank, ask me how I was queer. I just stared at her and was like, "Um, I'm demisexual?" Wondering why it mattered to her. That reminds me, in my last semester of high school, it was apparently common knowledge that I was bi. I only learned this when my college roommate learned this fact from someone I never even spoke with but who had attended my high school. My roommate marched into our dorm room, demanding to know why I hadn't told her I was bi. I was blindsided and torn between saying "I'm not, though?" and "Why in the world would I have to tell you my sexuality just because you told me yours?"

Anyway. As defensive as I am of the queer label, I struggle with it. I pass as straight. I don't have an undercut or hair dye. I don't have tattoos or piercings. I don't do bold make-up or nail polish. I don't dress queer. I wear jeans and blouses and cardigans. Other than a sports bra and some socks, I don't wear pride colors. I'm not someone who gets noticed as part of the community even if that is a community I feel more comfortable within. And I'm ace and demisexual within ace and biromantic within that and those are all marginal identities anyway. Like, not everyone accepts that bisexuality/romanticism is a real thing. And not everyone accepts asexuals in the queer community (unless they're there as cheerleaders for the allosexuals and handing out water bottles; god I hate that post) or that demisexuality is even a thing.

Friends make me welcome, but at general queer events or things, there's a part of me that wonders if I'm taking a 'real queer's' place. It is irrational, but the feeling persists.

I tried so long to convince myself that I didn't need labels for my sexuality, but finding demisexual just made so much of my life make sense. Fuzzy moments suddenly focused. Now I worry that I'm not really demisexual, but am instead some other flavor of asexual. It has been so, so long since I've felt desire for another person. But the ace umbrella is absolutely correct.

I don't know what the point of this all was.

Labels are weird. Some are simply fact. Some need constant poking. Some I'm hyper protective of. And some I'm almost careless with and it is being careless that makes the label better fitting.

These are some of the boxes I've chosen to put myself within.

#labels #identity #ramble #insomnia

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gyucore · 4 years ago

Text

run to the shadows

pairing: soobin x reader

genre: angst (?), supernatural au

word count: 5.1k

warnings: swearing, blood and wounds, character death

synopsis: the city is on a lockdown. people with uncontrollable elemental powers are springing up left and right. the government is trying to capture every single elemental in the guise of protecting the citizens. much to your dismay, your fiancé, soobin, just had to be one of them.

The rays of the sunset left a warm sensation on your skin. The gentle breeze passing by gives you a moment of coolness that vanished as fast as it came. Children's laughter could be heard close by, their parents watching over them from afar. Sometimes, someone would pass by and greet you with a smile before continuing their way beside the calm waters of the lake. You look on to the horizon and gaze upon the direction where the sun had set, holding on to this scenic view one last time.

The blanket of the night sky soon came, a reminder that you had to quickly return home. You leave the lakeside with a heavy feeling on your chest— one that you can't seem to shake off. But there were more important matters to be dealt with.

"Hurry inside, sweetie, before the raiders come." You hear a mother say, ushering her child inside their car, her tone laced with worry as she made sure the doors were closed shut. "We don't want to be around when they capture the bad people."

Capturing bad people, huh. Even hearing the phrase was distasteful. One wouldn't expect for a government that's supposed to protect its citizens to go around doing something as inhumane as capturing someone and imprisoning them despite having done nothing wrong, and branding these victims as bad people just because they were forced into their situation.

Your thoughts fill with worry and the heavy feeling in your chest worsens. You're not sure whether this was the usual looming threat of having your life endangered, or the effect of having left your fiance's side after a huge argument. Part of you knows it's the latter.

"Soobin.." You sigh, your chest not feeling any lighter as you did. Scenes from earlier replay in your mind and you silently wish things had gone differently.

The walk home was quiet. Not a lot of people were wandering around at night anymore, even the questionable individuals that once littered the darker streets and alleys. Whether this was a good thing or not was up to how much the whole situation affected an individual.

In the more populated neighborhoods, the lights would be dimmed, the curtains drawn, the gates closed, and the windows locked shut. The clean asphalt beneath your feet soon met with bits and pieces of rubbish as you reach the farthest back of the neighborhood. The place was dark with most of the streetlight broken. You'd think that after a year, at least most of them would've been fixed but the government had a more important investment to focus on than providing their citizens the bare minimum security they at least deserve.

A creaking sound from the dark alerts your senses. Your hands come up in front as balled fists as you take a defensive stance, reminding yourself that if ever worse comes to worst, you had a dagger hidden in your pocket.

You make a quick scan of your surroundings, taking notice of every minute movement and sound your senses could pick up. No one. You'd like to think you were just being paranoid but you never know what might happen. Your heart beats faster in your chest as you go through ever possible scenario that might happen to you, or worse— to Soobin.

"Come out and face me!" You scream. Even if no one was there, no other person was living in this neighborhood that would bother to report a screaming maniac marching around their streets.

A few minutes pass and after checking each and every nearby nook and cranny, you slowly let your guard down. Perhaps you truly were just being paranoid. But who could blame you? The past few months hadn't exactly been the best. You've been in a lot of awful situations from having to hide for a week inside an abandoned theme park cave to nearly beating someone to death over food rations if Soobin hadn't stopped you.

It all started when one day, a phenomenon struck the city. Hundreds of people were turning up, reporting that they've been experiencing strange things with their body and surroundings. Eventually, it was discovered that they had somehow acquired the ability to manipulate the elements. The whole situation looked like it came straight out of a fantasy novel. But this wasn't your average story where the gifted ones get to go on crazy adventures to fulfill or prevent some messed up destiny. Quite the opposite actually.

The citizens with newfound abilities were tracked down to the ends of the city and captured. The government released a statement on how these citizens are no longer human. They were branded as monsters with uncontrollable powers that were planted in the city to harm the citizens, and eventually, the world.

They proposed a solution to lockdown the city in order to prevent the escape of these monstrous individuals and that they'd clear the streets at night from any and every individual who is suspected of possessing such abilities. Soon after, people were disappearing left and right. No one had been spared. They'd captured adults, teenagers, the elderly, and even children as young as a year old, and brought them into the holding facilities. Reports state that they were simply being held captive to enforce the necessary safety measures, but you knew all too well that they didn't stop there.

Experiments. They'd never admit to it but those that were heavily affected by these regulations knew that behind closed doors were vicious experiments being held in order to find a way to utilize these abilities for the government's advantage. One way to avoid this fate was to keep out of the prying eyes of the raiders, the ones in charge of finding and capturing the ability users.

"Y/N?"

Your eyes widen and you snap back to your senses, whirling around to see a familiar pair of eyes staring back at you.

"Y/N.." In an instant, you were engulfed in a tight hug. You feel his warmth slowly being passed down to you and for a brief moment, you allow yourself to melt in his arms. "You're safe.. I was so worried.."

You look up at none other than your fiancé, Soobin. Now that he was closer, you could see the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. It was clear that he'd been worried sick, and you were the same. A feeling of regret washes over you for ever leaving his side and causing him this much worry.

"Soobin, I—" You pause, forcing yourself out of his arms to look at the surroundings. "Let's talk inside. It's not safe out here."

Soobin nods, adjusting his hoodie as the two of you walk back inside your temporary base. The two of you had escaped into the lesser populated areas of the city to avoid public eye. You couldn't risk being seen by anyone at this state. Despite the government's unprecedented tactics, you hated to admit that they were right about one thing— most of the ability users couldn't control their powers, and unfortunately, Soobin was one of them.

Soobin paces back and forth in the living room, his mind racing with thoughts of worry. What if you had gotten mixed up into something dangerous while you were out? What if they had falsely accused you as an ability user? He wanted to scream the frustration out of his system, but he knew it wouldn't do him any good.

He regretted it. He regretted ever arguing with you in the first place. It wasn't even worth the risk of endangering both of you.

Soobin hated his newfound powers, hated how he had to hide in the slums of the city to stay alive, hated how he could never go out to see the world without putting his life at risk, and hated how you could only do so much to console him. How would you, an ordinary person, be able to relate to his worries? Eventually, he grew envious of how you could leave the house even if it was only to purchase groceries at a nearby store, and how you could bask in the warmth of the sun without having to worry about your abilities going berserk. All that pent-up emotion ended up with a huge fight. And eventually, you stormed out of the house.

Soobin had only come to terms with himself after watching you yell out in frustration before slamming the door behind and leaving.

It was you who had been by his side throughout everything. You didn't have a reason to hide, but you moved into the back of the city with him and catered to his every need. You held his hand at night when he feared he might go crazy in his sleep, and had been patient and understanding with him whenever his powers went haywire. You had protected him even when he insisted on being able to protect himself, and went to vast lengths to help him make it through until the end. Not once did you waver in front of him, and he felt so ashamed. How could he have let all those negative thoughts cloud his judgement?

Even now that he had risked his life and went outside to find you, he felt the regret deep inside his chest. Even now that he held you safely in his arms in the middle of the street, he couldn't let it go.

"Let's talk inside. It's not safe here."

Inside. It was for the best. "Okay."

It felt safer inside the house. The dim light coming from the living room lamp, thick walls, and drawn curtains brought on a familiar sense of comfort. Soobin had taken off his hoodie and tossed it aside, leaving him in his favorite loose white shirt. One thing you've come to notice even before your engagement was that he wore that specific shirt whenever he wanted some room to breathe. You hoped that he's had a good amount of that when you'd left him alone earlier.

Soobin makes himself comfortable on the couch next to the window, patting the spot next to him. You refrain from taking his offer. "Soobin, about earlier.."

“I'm sorry.” / “I'm sorry.”

Soobin looks up at you, blinking, and the two of you burst into laughter. After a while, he clears his throat and speaks up. You lean against the counter to hear him out. "You know, it's funny. Earlier I had this whole apology planned out in my head explaining everything— why I said all that stuff, and how I regret every single word. I wanted you to maybe understand where I'm coming from and how sorry I am but.." His eyes once again meet yours and as if a silent message had been conveyed, Soobin smiles. "Somehow, I feel like you already know."

You smile back, finally taking up his offer and plopping down right next to him on the couch. You rest your head on Soobin's shoulder, and he does the same. The warmth of his hand spreads throughout yours as he interlocks your fingers, bringing them close to your faces. The edge of your engagement rings glisten against the dim light, a promise of eternity with each other that would soon be sealed. An eternity in each other's embrace.

Before all of this had started, you had spent countless nights like this with Soobin, balled up together on the sofa or bed, and enjoying the warmth in each other's arms. Now, you'd barely spent the nights together. Rules had been established to keep you two safe from the prying eyes of the government, and naturally, there were also rules you'd agreed on to keep each other safe. One of those rules was that you couldn't sleep on the same bed. Soobin had no control of his powers and feared that he might hurt you in his sleep. You had tried it out once during the first week, ignoring the possibility. It didn't end well.

A knock on the front door breaks the silence in the room.

Soobin pulls you closer in his arms, an uneasy feeling settling in his stomach. A frown creeps up his lips as he leaned in closer to your face. “I know what you're thinking but please listen to me—”

“Soobin..” You look him in the eyes, holding his hand tighter. “I heard a noise on the way back. I think I might have been followed.”

Another knock sounds from the door, sounding more impatient than before

“In that case, I want you to stay behind.” Soobin says, letting go of your hand as he gets up from the couch.

“What? Why?” You follow right after, blocking Soobin's path to the door.

“You said you were being followed. If it's a raider then it couldn't have followed you to get to me when I haven't been outside in a long time.” Soobin sighs, walking around you. It wasn't news that raiders would falsely accuse random citizens as ability users for some short-term glory of having allegedly protected the city from these monsters. “I have a bad feeling about this, Y/N. I don't want you getting hurt.”

“And I don't want them to capture you.”

“They won't.”

“Soobin, please listen to me. You can't control your abilities yet. What if—” You were about to run after him when you notice you couldn't move. You look down and see that your feet had been bound to the ground by chains of ice. Since when had Soobin gained this much control over his powers? was the first thought that came to mind. He'd been training for a while but the results have been rather unhelpful. But not this time.

Soobin wasn't sure when he'd started feeling confident about his abilities, but he's sure of one thing. He'd use his abilities to protect what matters to him the most: you.

“Is someone there?” He asks before opening the door, heart thumping in his chest as he waited for an answer.

“Raid officer. I'm here to have a word, if I may.”

“In the middle of the night?”

“Justice sleeps for no one, sir.”

Justice. Soobin holds his breath as he opens the door, preparing himself for the worst. He comes face to face with a young man around his age— blond hair, clean and kempt raider uniform— he didn't look like the type to be fooled easily.

“What brings you here this late at night, officer?”

The officer smiles, straightening himself up. “Sorry for the disturbance. I'm Officer Kang Taehyun, and that's my partner, Choi Yeonjun.” He points at a pink haired officer with unkempt uniform, leaning against their motorbikes. “We'd like to ask you a few questions.”

Soobin agrees to their request, fully stepping out of the house.

“Full name?”

"That's.." Soobin hesitates, pondering whether he should tell him his real name or not. He notices the folder Taehyun was holding, and figured that the Officer might have already known his identity. He was testing him. “Choi Soobin.”

“A pleasure meeting you, Mr. Choi Soobin. You live alone?”

“Yes.”

The officer raises a brow. “I see. Any visitors over? A relative, or perhaps a lover?”

Soobin's heart races. He could spot the officer's partner at the back, preparing hid gear. He didn't like where this was going. “No.”

"Is that so?" The officer, Taehyun, breaks into a smile— cold, unsettling. He wonders if this smile was the last others have seen before getting sent straight to the facilities.

"This side of the neighborhood is pretty quiet, don't you think? No one else is living here except you."

"This place certainly has its charms." Soobin shrugs, trying his best to drive away suspicion. "I don't mind living alone and the groceries aren't that far from here anyway."

Officer Yeonjun steps in, gear in place and face unreadable. He nudges Taehyun to the side and takes over the conversation. "Listen, we'll make this quick for you. My partner and I spotted a suspicious woman walking around this area. No one else is living here except you. Do you know anything about her?"

There it was. Soobin supposes he couldn't have avoided the question any longer. "No, I don't. I haven't seen anyone nearby either. I was here at home the entire night, making dinner."

"I see." Yeonjun nods, his hand slowly reaching for something in his pocket. "You seem like a pretty agreeable guy. I'm sure you wouldn't mind if we checked inside to see if you're telling the truth."

"Not at all." Soobin grins, opening the door wider. It's not like he could refuse them in the first place. Raiders had been given the authority to search any premises without a warrant. He just hopes you had half a mind to hide yourself by now.

And you did. Both of you had prepared the house for circumstances like this. There was a trap door in the living room where you could hide in the case of an emergency. Soobin had melted the ice once Officer Yeonjun stepped in, and that was enough of a signal for you to hide. You couldn't afford to put Soobin in any more risk than he was already in.

Heavy footsteps liter the living room. Two, no, three pairs? That meant the two officers had gone inside with Soobin.

"Mr. Choi, would you mind showing my partner upstairs?"

"Of course."

You feel your pulse start to race. Soobin being alone with a raider was putting them in a stickier situation. If he loses control at any moment, this could mean the end of their lives. You couldn't help but peek through the hole on the floorboard. Only the pink haired officer was left behind to search the living room. You try to breathe quieter, hoping he wouldn't notice your presence.

The officer brings his hand to his ear, head shifting around as if making sure there weren't any witnesses.

"What is he doing?" You think to yourself, bracing for the worst.

"Taehyun's got him cornered upstairs. The girl isn't here. We'll proceed as planned."

You hold back a gasp and stumble back. A loud thump sounds upstairs followed by a glass shattering. Soobin!

The officer hears the noise and sighs, smashing his communicator onto the ground. He crouches down onto the floorboard and knocks twice. "Hey, I know you're there. Listen to me."

You don't respond, shock and fear stopping you from even breathing.

"This may be too much to ask, but please trust me. I'm part of the anti-faction unit that's here to support the ability users. My partner will capture your boyfriend and bring him to the facilities and I don't have a choice but to help him. I'll report you as a missing case so run away after my partner and I leave. There's no saving your boyfriend now so you could at least save yourself."

"Why are you doing this? Why can't you just save him?" You choke on your words, anger slowly rising. If he was here as an undercover agent then he could've at least saved Soobin.

"It's loo late. The facility's had an eye on him for months. If I do anything now, my cover would be blown. I can't have that." The officer frowns. You could see his fallen expression through the hole but that wasn't enough to calm you down.

"And I can't have Soobin getting killed." You snarl, hands balling into fists.

"He won't." The officer says before standing up. "They'll be down soon. Just do as I say and save yourself."

You feel your blood boiling. They knew Soobin was an ability user from the start and had used you as an excuse to lure him in a tight spot. Abandon Soobin? Not a chance. You didn't abandon him back then and you were sure as hell you wouldn't be abandoning him now when he needed you most.

"Move."

"Hm?"

The trap door had enough space to hide in, but that also meant you had enough space to make a running start. "I said move." You ram against the floorboard, knocking Yeonjun off and bursting the door open.

You were free.

"Soobin! Get out of there!" You scream the moment you got out, running as fast as your legs could carry you towards the stairs.

"Are you crazy?!" Yeonjun runs after you, breath hitching as he manages to grab your leg. "You could get killed!"

You kick Yeonjun's hand, causing him to stumble behind. "Soobin!" You scream, dashing upstairs. You make a sharp turn towards his bedroom and find him down on the floor, blood dripping from his hands.

Soobin looks at you, tears threatening to prick his eyes. "Y/N, get away from here!"

"Soobin.." Your gaze shifts from his worried eyes to Officer Taehyun's cold ones, looking at you like you were as significant as a tiny insect. It was only then that you realized what a mess the place was. The book case had been knocked over, sending the books scattering around the room. A huge spear of ice had bursted from the ground and crashed onto the glass window, coming in between Soobin and the officer.

"So, you were here all along?" Officer Taehyun scoffs, his tone as cold as his expression.

"Y/N, stand back. I'll handle this." Soobin tells you, wincing as he holds a hand towards the officer.

"You can't do anything to me." Taehyun smirks, crossing his arms. "You used up all your energy making this freak ice appear and for what? To buy time? You're the type who loses energy while using your abilities, so why not stop now?" You see him glance your way before snickering. "Is it the girl? Do monsters even have time for love?"

"Might want to check in the mirror." You slowly inch towards Soobin's side. "Who's the monster here? A guy who's just trying to live his life quietly, or the one who's had innocent blood spilled in his hands for countless nights?"

Taehyun's amused expression falls. "Last time I checked, none of them were innocent. And I'm not the one who conjured ice from the ground to harm an officer. Normal humans don't do that shit. Monsters do. Isn't that right, Yeonjun?"

Before you knew it, you were pinned to the ground. Yeonjun had crept up on you from behind while you were distracted.

"Y/N!" Soobin rushes after you but stops as Yeonjun takes out a knife and puts it to your neck.

"Move and I'll cut her." Yeonjun spits out his empty threats. You knew he wouldn't harm you. He just wanted to get out of this mess as fast as possible.

Soobin clicks his tongue, lowering his hands in defeat. Taehyun finds himself smiling at the entire situation. "There you go. And just when I thought you'd lost your common sense."

He walks over to Soobin, carefully maneuvering through the ice and shards of glass. "Come with us quietly, and we'll set her free. No scratches, no anything. Do we have a deal?" He takes out specialized handcuffs used to detain ability users and twirls it around his fingers.

"Don't! Soobin, please! There must be another way!" You scream, trying to break free from Yeonjun's hold but that only made him pin you down harder.

Soobin looks back at you and then at Taehyun, shedding a tear as he holds his hands out in front. "Keep your end of the deal. I surrender."

"No!"

"Quiet." Yeonjun puts the blade back into his pockets and puts his hand over your mouth. "Mmf!"

You felt powerless as you watch Soobin get handcuffed, his eyes never leaving yours— taking in your face one last time. "I'm sorry." He whispers.

"Oh, and for safety measure." Taehyun hums as he takes out a tranquilizer needle, stabbing Soobin on the neck. Soobin's falls on the ground, unconscious. "You can't be too careful with these monsters." Taehyun chuckles, bending down and hoisting Soobin up in his shoulders. He walks over to you and Yeonjun, leaving behind a few instructions for his partner. "Release her when I give the signal."

"My communicator's broken."

Taehyun raises a brow.

"It fell and got stepped on when this chick came out of nowhere and ambushed me."

Taehyun sighs. "I suppose we don't have a choice. Use my communicator." He uses his free hand to hand Yeonjun his communicator.

Yeonjun holds it in his hand and nods. You try to look over the door towards Soobin, but they were long gone. Yeonjun notices this and bends down, whispering.

"Listen. The plans have changed." He holds out Taehyun's communicator in front of you and smashes it to the ground. "Taehyun has no means of contacting the others for backup, and they can't hear us from where they're parked. We might be able to save Soobin." He loosens his grip and lets you go.

"What made you change your mind?"

Yeonjun sighs, helping you up. "We actually have a fighting chance now if we work together."

"What do you mean?"

"It's gonna take Taehyun a while to sort through the mess blocking the door."

"Mess? What mess?" And then it hit you. "You missed it up on purpose." That's why it took him so long to catch up.

Yeonjun takes out a gun from his holster and cocks it. "Listen carefully. We don't have a lot of time. Taehyun's has his guard down right now. I'm gonna sneak up to him and shoot hid arm that's holding Soobin. As soon as he drops him, I want you to grab Soobin and take him to the back. I'll meet you there."

You didn't exactly trust the guy but you weren't in a situation to be picky. "Fine."

"On my signal." Yeonjun whispers, taking a step forward from your hiding spot.

The plan sets in motion. The two of you sneak downstairs, peeking at Taehyun who's trying to sift through the broken furniture with one hand.

"Wow, looks like the girl got away. My bad."

"What are you—"

Yeonjun pulls the trigger before Taehyun could turn around, hitting the heel on his right leg.

"Shit!" Taehyun winces in pain. He reaches for his gun but Yeonjun was faster, shooting two other bullets through his other leg and his shoulder that's holding Soobin. He drops Soobin to the ground with a thud.

Yeonjun turns to you. "Now!"

You sprint towards Soobin's body, adrenaline coursing through your veins.

"Hold it right there." Taehyun pulls out a knife and holds it towards Soobin's throat. "One step closer and I'll kill him. Even if that traitor shoots me, I'll just use the last of my energy to slash his throat. You don't want that now, do you?" The look in Taehyun's eyes infuriated you. He looked so confident that you wouldn't dare take another step further, none of you would. And he was right.

Your eyes fall upon Soobin, your heart squeezing in your chest at the thought of losing him. All you could hope for was a miracle. To hell, it didn't even need to be a miracle. It could be a tragedy, a curse, whatever. Just let Soobin return safely in your arms.

You feel your hands heating up despite the cool air rushing inside from the open windows. A warm sensation fills your chest and you gasp for air. Taehyun and Yeonjun observe as you grip your stomach. You feel like throwing up. It felt like you've lost all control in your body. You were sweating from the heat, and the world looked like it was spinning out of control. Your vision clouds until a bright light flashes, stunning you for a brief moment.

"What's wrong with you?"

Your attention shifts towards Taehyun who'd spoken and all you could see was red. "Let him go."

Taehyun tightens his grip on the handle. "I didn't know this monster's life meant so little to you."

"Sorry to break it to you, but his worth is immeasurable in my eyes. I'd do anything for him." You narrow your eyes at his face. "Even if it meant I'd have to spill blood in my hands."

"Y/N, what are you doing?" Yeonjun asks, his tone laced with worry.

"Committing a murder." You answer, not bothering to look at him. "But not a crime."

In a split-second, the door behind Taehyun explodes, the flaming debris piercing Taehyun straight in the chest, miraculously missing Soobin. Taehyun's lifeless body falls onto the ground and Yeonjun takes cover from the explosion. You stay plotted at the same spot, scratches littering your sides as you nearly miss the flying debris. The fire slowly spreads throughout the living room and your legs give in as you drop to the floor.

You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding, your arms instinctively reaching towards Soobin. Drained seemed like an understatement. You could barely move. It was as if all the energy you had earlier had been sucked out of your body.

"Y/N, get a hold of yourself!" Yeonjun rushes towards your side as soon as the coast was clear. "We have to get out of here!"

The world around you darkens and your mind turns blank. You couldn't even think at this point. Soobin was right in front of you yet nothing of what has happened has processed in your head. In the end, all you could do was stare at his face as hot tears spilled from your eyes.

"Snap out of it!"

You feel a stinging sensation coming from your cheek and you look up at Yeonjun. The air rushes back up your lungs and you gasp.

"Listen to me. We need to get out of here right now. If the fire spreads throughout the house, we're done for. We either die in flames or be killed once the backup finds us. Can you walk?"

"Yeah.. I think I can." You try your best to answer. He helps you on your feet before rushing towards Soobin.

Yeonjun stumbles as he hoists Soobin onto his back. He looks at you, eyes determined. "We managed to escape now, but who knows what'll happen next. What do we do now?"

In the end, it all came down to this. Wherever you went, it was all the same. You and Soobin have suffered too much, and it was time to put an end to it. Strangely enough, the flames that had swallowed your living room didn't make you afraid. It made you feel powerful— powerful enough to make a change.

"I don't want to cower in fear anymore." You lock eyes with Yeonjun who earnestly gangs on to your every word. "We've hidden ourselves in the darkness in fear of being captured but I think it's time we use the what we're familiar with to fight them off— use the darkness to turn against our oppressors."

"So what do you suggest we do?" Yeonjun settles right next to you.

You face your resolve, reaching your hand to caress Soobin's sleeping face. "For now.."

"We run to the shadows."

#txt #tomorrow x together #txt x reader #txt imagines #txt fic #soobin fic #soobin angst #soobin x reader #soobin imagines #soobin imagine #soobin oneshot

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sor-vette · 4 years ago

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four, circus!! (index/description)

☜ three, an all-out fight club!!

☞ five, dots!!

t/w: dead bodies, mention of overdose

"This has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen," Yoongi thinks to himself as he blankly stares at Jimin, transferring the PPT file to the projector.

123 slides in "Reasonable arguments as to why we should date, _̵͚̾͌_̶̢̛̘̅͛̕_̶̡̧̝͗̒̋̌̚_̴̮̒̍̿̃͠ .

"Wrong PowerPoint bro," Jungkook grunts with closed eyes. No doubt the idiot had tried to stalk you throughout the night. It's been three days since Erik had officially enrolled.

Namjoon also has his eyes fixed on the projector, his expression giving nothing away.

"Resigned to death, poor bastard, as you should."

Jimin momentarily looks behind him to see why Jin had started to snort in laughter before scrambling to choose another file.

56 slides in "What do we know about Erik and what to do about it?"

"The title could be less verbose," Jin remarks, spinning his chair around the room.

"You're one to talk, literally," Jimin sneers but, there is very little malice in his voice if any. Besides Namjoon, V and Hope, who actually stuck to his word of minding his business, Yoongi didn't know anyone personally in the room. Though he sure has heard of the connections they had with you. Each weirder than the other.

Namjoon, the CEO, the one who went overboard in commitment and scared you off. Rumour was he offered marriage before the first "I like you." But that as well could be bullshit.

Hope, with the most cordial contact out of all. And also the most distant. You two had fundamentally different perceptions of how the world worked. Incompatible match, as the saying goes.

Jin. Despite the grandeur of his character, Yoongi knew very little of him. Even less as to why you left. He presumed the lack of commitment on both sides.

Jimin, the almost. For five months Yoongi had to hear nothing but coy whispers of just what good friends you two were. What good time you both had jumping back and forth from Paris and home. And then with zero explanation, you weren't. Every once in a while, he'd see the two of you in the hallway. Working hard to suffer through an exchange of pleasantries between long awkward pauses. The whispers had been effectively stomped to death, with no one the wiser as to what the hell had happened.

V, the one you hated and the one who hated you. How the two of you even met was beyond anyone's understanding. How you didn't rip each other's throat out even more so. Why he was here? God only knew.

And the last one, JK. Your trainee before Erik. The one who'd shamelessly bounced, leaving you in the dust when the enrollment came with a nary of thank you. After that, you officially joined the cleaner department and largely went missing from the public eye.

And, of course, Yoongi himself. The only official boyfriend. The one who officially broke both of your hearts.

"If all of you could please focus!" Jimin snapped, standing with a wad of paper in hand, waving it like a teacher in front of particularly annoying group of students.

"He even made notes," Namjoon whispered faintly.

"More like a manifesto," Yoongi snickered, letting his eyes wander over the sheer thickness of the file.

"Silence!" For a split second, Yoongi wanted to make a jab about a chihuahua being able to bark, but having considered his own height, he chose to be silent.

"So, let's start with basics. Erik Genyer. Joined two and a half years ago through a recruitment agent. He's 24, lived in Seattle before moving here. No known parents or siblings." Jimin recounted with ease.

"I hope you didn't look through his records," Namjoon frowned at the screen. "Because I did not authorize that."

"Does it count as looking if it's a brief glance?"

"Yes."

"And yet here you are benefitting from it." Namjoon could only breathe through his nose a tad harder.

"Why are you telling us this?" Jin interjected. "Mr CEO here could just give us his file - we'd read for ourselves."

"I will not. That's against company policy."

"And what you're doing here is completely legal and non - invasive." Jin raised his eyebrows, not phased even in the slightest that he was much below Namjoon's position.

"Silence!" Jimin yelped again at the front. "Has anyone here worked with Erik?"

"Hope definitely has," V piped up from his seat, looking as uninterested as one could. Yoongi narrowed his eyes at him. V took the piercing glare in stride, haughtily turning away.

"Well, yes but..." Jimin shuffled on the stage almost awkwardly. "He has strictly declined the invitation to our little... boy band."

"Wait does that mean he could tell _̸̢͉̦͔̣͈̱̅́́̓͊̇̂̓́̕͝ͅ_̸̨̙͚̻̬͖͉̻͔̑̓͐͜ - I mean R.D.?" Jungkook suddenly asks, eyes wide. Even Yoongi blanched at the thought. Everyone straightened in their seats. This was all fun and games until the moment you knew. Oh, you'd rip each and every one of them a new asshole. All of them could kiss goodbye to any attempt of trying to mend bridges. By that point, there wouldn't even be a river stretching underneath.

"I sincerely hope not." Jimin whispers and they sit in a moment of silence, weighing the risks.

"Heh, hope not." Jin suddenly gives a breathy laugh solely to be met by a general aura of disapproval.

"It's not funny." Namjoon scolds slightly but, Jin being Jin, openly looks him into eyes and goes -

"I know."

Amidst the banter, JK raises his hand shyly.

"I trained with him for a short while."

"And what is he like?" Jimin's eyes almost sparkled at anyone giving an actual insight.

"He must be wearing contacts or something," Yoongi mused, pushing the cap of his water bottle around the table. He knew Jimin to be attractive. No one in the entire company would shut up about it, nevertheless, something about him seemed almost supernatural.

JK shrugged in response.

"A bit rude and careless but talented. He finished training early."

"Did it seem like he was particularly going after her?" Namjoon interrogated further. There was a deep scowl of resentment on his face.

"Uhh, no. I think he was interested in the cleaner department in general. Apparently, he spent most of his orientation there."

"He also spent a month in surveillance. Did you speak with him...V?" If V was surprised by Jimin addressing him personally, he didn't show it as he continued to inspect his nails.

"Didn't even know he was there."

"Why did he stay so long in the cleaner department?" Yoongi asked as he ran over the information on the screen. Besides the already mentioned month in surveillance and a week in networking and relations, this Erik hadn't even tried to apply anywhere else.

"Poor communication skills. I had to throw him out. That's why he was only there a week." Jin explained.

"So you spoke to him?"

"Well, no, Irina," he was interrupted by a hollow thud. Without prompt V had dropped his steel thermos onto the desk, tea splattering everywhere and staining JK's jacket in the process. Both of them fumbled to clean it up with anything they could. V dabbed the desk harshly, the wood creeking at every aggressive wipe. Yoongi saw Jin looking sideways, the same confused expression echoed on his face.

"Well, as I was saying, Irina, R.D.'s friend, I'm sure you're familiar, came to me, said he was causing trouble and asked to refer him."

"And you sent him to R.D.?"

Jin gave a deeply suffering sigh.

"No, I did not send him. I referred him to general management and they gave him to the cleaners ."

"Ok, I get all of this. But what are we supposed to do about him?" Namjoon interrupted, jaw set in a tight grip.

Jimin fell silent at the front of the room.

"Yeah, this was the main question." Yoongi thought bitterly.

It was all a question of ethics, wasn't it? JK could pretend all he wanted to be above it all, to be respectful but then he trailed secret circles around you. Whether from guilt or perhaps a sense of entitlement. Yoongi didn't know or really care. Nevertheless the kid clearly had a hard time differentiating between what he said and what he did. Yoongi was however surprised to see Namjoon be so eager. He quite fancied making himself bald from worrying about the nature of evil. Just how easy it was to hide it behind big aspirations of providing aid. But it seemed as of late all of that was tossed aside.

Jimin was the one who orchestrated this in the first place, and so naturally, everyone looked at him for guidance. He was still shuffling around, nervously fiddling the blue pen.

"Well, first of all, I think we should talk more to R.D." A huff passed around the room.

"Talk to her?" V asked sceptically, mouth set in a straight line and heavy wrinkles carved between brows.

"Do you have any idea how difficult that would be?"

"Certainly it would be for you," Yoongi snarled, earning a harsh glare.

"Listen, at the end of the day, it's not really about us trying to force her into something. It's just to make sure... she's living a safe life. Well, the safest that's possible." Jimin said with enough sincerity to trigger certain insecurities within Yoongi and by the look of it also Namjoon.

It was no secret that between the seven, they were the most possessive over you. Both having the wrong idea that you were theirs. Which is why you left and why you probably were so caught up in Jimin. The purity and sheer selflessness of his sentiments acted like a punch to the gut. The genuine care that he reflected like a sun made the raw wound in Yoongi's chest seep even more. To be loved like that would be a dream come true. Yoongi shifted his attention to the laminated floor.

"We talk to her, find out what her life is like, keep a close eye on what Erik does. Talk to other cleaners about him, and once we find out, she's happy. That's. The. End. Of. That." There was no uncertainty. Jimin was dead serious.

The meeting was adjourned, quite amicably actually, but Yoongi knew that the rest of them had ulterior motives and plans. He had them too.

Jin and JK were no threat. Both were too uncertain of what to do with you.

Jimin had some deep-seated self esteem issues. Despite his 123 slide presentation, the way he spoke made it clear. That's probably why the abrupt parting, Yoongi mused. Both of you most likely shared the same anxiety about not being good enough for the other.

V was just V.

Namjoon was the only one Yoongi was truly worried about. Even from looking at his back, walking headstrong up the stairs, Yoongi could see how stubborn Namjoon was. In a way, it was like looking in a mirror. The possessiveness, the mulish mindset. They'd saw you, all of you and had decided that this was it. Yes, Namjoon would certainly be the toughest rival. However, Yoongi was very good at playing the long game. Especially if he wanted something so bad it felt like his thorax slowly being ripped out.

All that was left was Hope. But he wasn't even a viable player. After all, he hadn't even shown up.

***

"Why the fuck is he so heavy?" Erik grunted, swaying left and right and holding onto his dear life to the bagged pair of legs.

"Rigor mortis...set in," you huffed in answer, from the upfront of the body. "At least he wasn't rotting already. That's just nasty. 1, 2, 3."

Both of you lift the body into the van and let the poor bastard drop with a soft thud. Sweat pooled underneath your white hazmat suit with plastic glasses digging straight into your brain. You banged hard against the "EMT" van, and it drove away, carrying Dr. Martin Leyster to the morgue.

Should the neighbours see anything, it was a sad story of a depressed psychiatrist accidentally overdosing on his own meds. The evidence of him manipulating his most vulnerable patients into bankruptcy erased in you any stray feelings of sympathy though.

"You have the peroxide?" You rifled through the cleanup bag, but instead of answering, Erik began to actively point somewhere behind your back. A cold chill ran up your spine as you realize someone has been watching you stuff the body in the trunk. It quickly dissipates when you see a familiar smile.

"Hard at work, I see," Hope whistled, bounding towards you more like a kid on a school trip, rather than what the reality was.

"May I borrow your mentor for a bit?" He asked politely, still smiling up at Erik. There was no warmth in his expression.

"You are after all now an official member of the cleaner crew. Surely you can handle this on your own."

Erik looks at you for a moment before giving a loud sigh and trudging back to Leyster's office, the white toolbox angrily swishing back and forth in his hand.

Without hesitation, you remove the glasses from your head, revelling in the ease of pressure. Hope had stopped smiling altogether, looking quite pensive.

"What brings you here?" You ask lightly. To see him here is not worrying per se, but certainly interesting. He gives a quick shrug.

"Nothing much. Wanted to see how you were doing after that runt's little stunt." You only laugh at the shallow animosity. Erik's talent to drive people out of their patience was truly remarkable.

"I'm doing fine. You know... working. What about you?"

"I've been working as well."

You both fall silent.

"You ever thought about leaving the BH?" He suddenly asked, and you quirk a brow at the question.

"Not particularly. Have you?" Hope focuses a blank gaze at the grey walls of the multi-story apartment complex.

"A little bit. Last few days especially." You stand in muted shock. Hope was the last person you thought would quit. He was, without doubt, the most devoted, the most passionate out of all the hundreds of employees. He lived for the cause, he himself said so. And yet now he stood uncertain in front of you. Not really the bright and friendly Hope everyone knew, not really the strict and somewhat terrifying training teacher. He was just...quiet. It was an upsetting scene.

"Do you want to go for a drink or a lunch, maybe?" You offer, reaching for the zipper of the white suit. Yes, Erik could handle this on his own. He was a big boy. Hope hastily placed his hand atop of yours, pausing the movement. Even through the fabric, it radiated warmth. No wonder people called him sun. He frowned at the conjoined hands, lightly stroking his thumb over your knuckles before lighting up like a Christmas tree.

"No, no. I don't want to burden you with my problems." You didn't believe his smile for a second.

"Well, I won't steal you away for much longer, the pup might get anxious." He turned around, by the looks of ready to sprint off.

"Hey, wait!" He paused, not looking back.

"Do you why JK has been stalking me?"

"He has?"

He had. The first time you noticed a shifting figure in the background, you wrote it off to the combination of hangover and exhaustion. The second time he'd run off into the night faster than you could catch up. The third time you nearly flung yourself off the roof when seeing a pair of doe eyes staring back at you from an empty apartment building.

"There isn't like an alliance going around between some of my... acquaintances?" Truth be told, you found the very idea ridiculous, but it had wormed its ugly way into your brain and was now near impossible to get out. JK, Jimin, Yoongi and Namjoon wouldn't even get along with each other. Even though those four were most likely to meddle in your business. However, if looking realistically, it was probably just your paranoia taking an intensive round. Seeing suspicious cars, watchful eyes and snooping noses where there were none. Hope threw you a sardonic smile.

"That would just be stupid."

(a/n)

In this story people have their names and codenames and will be often used interchangeably. It all depends whether in the story the POV character knows the names of others or not.

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boop-le-snoot · 4 years ago

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PARTY FAVOURS | A MYSTERIOUS INTERLUDE

first time reader click here

This is a scrapped chapter. Originally, I was planning to 1) give Reader a longer, more intense destructive streak before her ending up with Tony. I planned three or so chapters that involved an abusive Quentin Beck, but, ultimately decided that to be too cliché. 2) I had planned to write at least 30% of the fanfic in Tony's/third person POV. This chapter would have been number 11/12 - Tony would have rejected her advances in the lab & she would have got hooked on Beck's charming facade.

Why am I publishing this? It seems like a waste if effort to shelf it, plus, it's Tony's POV. You can skip it since it has no relation/bearing on the current story. Just a tiny "what might have been" tidbit.

It was a moment's notice. One second, they're standing in a group, laughing, soaking in the warmth from the fireplace, chattering amongst themselves, telling tall tales and sipping their liquor. It all goes black briefly, and then they are surrounded by darkness - it's nearly impenetrable, so thick that their voices echo in it.

Tony's body was encompassed by the nanotech suit immediately after his eyes and his brain adjusted to the rapid change of surroundings. His teammates, too, had their skills honed on an instinctive level - the faint thump of Mjölnir in Thor's hands, the golden-green glow of his brother's magic, whirring of Barnes' prosthetic arm. Steve's shield stayed tucked behind the living room couch but his enhanced physique and readiness to fight 24/7 has him covering the unenhanced Clint and Natasha in mere seconds.

Tony was mostly angry rather than afraid. The team was having a good time at his party and the chance encounters of weird shit like this had been reduced to nearly zero percent possibility thanks to Friday's screening process: supervillains, Hydra agents and the likes strictly prohibited on Stark-owned premises.

It was a strange coincidence Banner had to take a break to check up on one of his experiments not even five minutes before the rest of the team was experiencing the strange change in scenery. Speaking of Strange, the sorcerer also was nowhere to be seen - Tony distinctively remembered seeing Stephen ten feet away from the bar, engaged in a hearty debate with the lead of SI's Medical Engineering department.

"This is not magic," Wanda piped up from behind him, confused. "I don't feel anything on the usual frequency. It sounds more like Friday humming in the walls, like electricity."

Good to know, Tony thought. It was nice having someone who was familiar with the undiscovered side of science - after all, Tony had always considered anything 'magical' to be science he had not personally understood yet. Wanda's most redeeming quality in Tony's eyes was the fact that more often than not she seemed to be as clueless as everyone else when it came to her powers and didn't act so high and mighty as some other people. Cloaked people, and horned people, for example.

"The fuck, man? I was hoping, just one evening, one normal evening with my beer and wings," Clint whined. Tony could hear Natasha huffing in annoyed agreement.

"Mr. Stark, what are we going to do?" His very own spider-child, on the other hand, sounded distraught. Peter's voice has this funny thing it does when the boy is upset but tries to hide it: it quivers on the vowels, wobbles slightly.

Tony had to blindly grope the air for a moment before his arm found Peter's shoulder. The boy was shivering and took the offered comfort eagerly, folding into the older man.

"Okay, whoever is pulling this stunt, my advice is: don't," Tony sighed, 12 000% Done With This Shit™, exclaiming loudly. "If that's a prank, stop it or speak up. If you got beef, then you got some nerve doing this in my tower. Show yourself."

He could feel the fine hairs on his neck stand up as the team tensed next to him, readily gearing up to pounce. Peter was vibrating in Tony's arms and the billionaire suddenly remembered the curious side-effects of Peter's powers, the spidey-sense. It must have been going absolutely haywire - the kid nearly hyperventilated himself into a heart attack.

"Stark, I must apologise for the uncomfortable circumstances. Believe me, it was a necessity - you always demand attention, whereas I need people to pay attention to me for a moment. Don't worry, you'll get yours when the time is due."

The voice was vaguely familiar. Male, slightly nasal but quiet and creeping. Insinuating. It lacked the usual boisterous bravado of a mid-grade bad guy, Tony had to take an educated guess that the owner of the mysterious voice was well-off, white. Privileged. No hint of desperation in it, as if the man was pitying everybody.

"The fuck? Q, is that you?"

Oh shit, Tony realized in muted horror. She must've been hanging around somewhere in their vicinity - which wasn't unusual, the girl usually orbited around Barnes, Wanda, Peter or Bruce. All of whom were present at the party. Tony had forgotten about her, to his shame, somehow having had automatically assumed she trotted out of the room on Bruce's heels. His science bro and her acted like conjoined twins when it came to their scientific ventures.

"Stop talking," The man growled, the voice suddenly coming from a very different direction. Tony heard a distinctively feminine yelp, albeit muffled. Peter violently jerked in Tony's arms. The engineer put the superstrength of his suit to use, holding the teenager down.

"Aw, hell no!" She yelled, the indignant shrieking followed by the sound of a moist palm slapping something glass...y? "What the fuck? I am asking you again. Are you... Oh my God, are you wearing a fishbowl on your head? Ow, motherfu-" The rest of the sentence is muffled, garbled. Whoever this "Q" was, she obviously knew him and he had silenced her. And, apparently, Q had an uncanny choice of headwear.

Tony was sure the rest of the team had followed his lead on doing a spit-take. They've fought enough supervillains with more than questionable fashion sense but a fishbowl? That was new.

"Be quiet, baby. It's for your own good. I don't want to hurt you if I can help it," The Fishbowl chastised her.

Tony's confusion once again returned to irritation at the frivolous way the villain addressed his science buddy. Peter's friend would have been more accurate but Tony had put her into the 'science bro' category not too long ago. They were close, as much as they could be, with the age gap and totally different interests and... The immense amount of guilt Tony felt for his attraction towards the girl. He was a dirty old man and she was barely an adult.

Every damn day Tony did his best to avoid making a shiny, big, new problem. Yet her brains and her wit and the uncanny ability to pull anybody into a conversation had a firm hold on his attention.

"Leave her alone," Stark angrily declared, powering up a repulsor. "What do you want? Party crashing isn't allowed in my tower anymore."

"What I want, Stark, is for you to give credit where it's due," The man answered simply, giving Tony just enough time to shove Peter behind him towards Natasha and take a tentative step forward.

The soft glow emanating from the repulsor illuminated barely two inches around his hand. The darkness surrounding it seemed to swallow the light. Tony moved on quiet feet towards the voice, easily avoiding furniture. His memory was good and he knew his tower, his home, better than anyone else.

"Did I hear that correctly, you're accusing me of plagiarism?" Tony tried for indignant, hoping to provoke the man into an inevitable, drawn-out speech where he lists all the wrongs Tony ever did him, giving the team precious time to regroup and form some semblance of a plan.

"Yes," Q simply answered, pausing for a second. "I hope you enjoy your next adventure. It certainly will show you the potential of my creation."

Tony shared a muted sound of confusion with the rest of the team.

"Q, I am very disappointed," To Tony's horror, th girl stared talking again. She sounded somewhat breathless, and closer to him than before. "Stop it with the dick measuring contest, you're a grown ass man. Go work for OsCorp, or Hammer, drink your sorrows away." She sounded so tired. And even closer to him.

"This is not a dick measuring contest!" Q roared suddenly and wow, that man was unstable. "This was my life's work, my creation, he insulted, berated and threw away!"

"I get it, I really get the whole 'being discarded and thrown away' thing," She replied, somewhat sarcastically. "But you know what? I'll be damned and I'll be fucked if I give some piece of shit any more of my undivided attention. They don't want me? Fine, they can fuck off and take their complaints with them." Her speech was periodically interrupted by shuffling noises.

Tony didn't dare to interrupt, seeing now the possibility of Q being actually calmed down by a teenager (probably) quoting some teen drama TV show.

"But going full Joker? You're a brilliant man, Quen, I wouldn't even look at you twice if not for your brains and your baby blues, however I don't fuck with the bad guys. That shit kills," The hand that rested on the wrist cuff of Tony's suit unmistakably belonged to her. She had the remnants of some sort of wire around it, sleek and quicksilver-shiny, irritating the tender skin under it. "And I want to live. You've gone and pissed off an entire crew of supers and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think, Quen," There was genuine sadness in her voice.

Tony stood silent in confusion.

Whoever this Quen was, they obviously shared a close relationship. Tony's brain ran through the list of her friends, her relatives - there was nobody named Q, Quen or even remotely similar. Natasha had mentioned a possible boyfriend at some point but the man sounded too old for that, he was at least thirty. Or maybe? Tony wouldn't put it completely past the girl, if judging by the blatant way she flirted with Bruce. With himself.

"Baby, this is not about you. I don't want to hurt you," Quen replied, a hysterical edge to his voice. Something began flickering in the distance, attracting Tony's attention to the shape of a man with a round sort of helmet and a red, billowing cape (hello, 2012-Thor!).

"Too late, Quen. You've tied me up and you went on to attack my friends. I've already told you that if you yell at me one more time, I will leave you. So I guess this is it," Her voice broke at the end, pitiful sniffles following the statement.

Tony watched the exchange, mildly uncomfortable and very concerned. The man yelled at her? That was absolutely unacceptable, however, what else could one expect from a maniac with a flair for the dramatic?

The girl bodily placed herself in front of Tony, standing, doing nothing but rubbing her wrists. It was then that the engineer noticed Q nearing them, the shape becoming distinctively closer. And - yep, there it was - the fishbowl on his head. It completely obscured him, making his face invisible, unrecognisable.

The man seemed rather fixated on the girl standing in front of Tony. He floated in front of her, ignoring Tony, taking her bound hands in his own. A brief click and a hiss later, her wrists were released and the contraption fell freely to the floor where it landed with an oddly heavy thud. Tony hoped there was no lead in that thing - supervillains were dangerous but lead poisoning was cancerous and fatal.

"Baby..." Quen timidly touched her face with a leather-bound glove. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm sorry." Tony took the chance to examine the man's costume. If anything, it looked somewhat steampunk-y? There was a lot of bronze, and the chest brace had some sort of glowing lines on it. Power storage units?

She stared up, towards the man's hidden face. "M'sorry, Quen," She mumbled, going in for a hug. Or that's what Tony thought. The majestic cape that billowed behind Quen was unceremoniously yanked from his body as the girl ducked, covering herself with it, yelling: "TONY, NOW, SHOOT, SHOOT!"

Tony did just that, shot Quen flat in the chest and the man stumbled backwards, tripping on the cape - such a stupid, unexpected thing. But Tony knew, his girl was clever and resourceful. Pride swelled in his chest as he shot the man again, Rogers running out from behind him blindly, body-slamming Quen into the ground for good measure. Two hundred pounds of supersoldier later, the battle was over before it even started.

"No!" The villain shouted as Steve pressed and popped the hilarious glass contraption on his head. The accessory was no match for the Captain's super strength. Tony immediately recognised the man as his former employee, Quentin Beck, and it clicked for him. It was totally a personal vendetta.

"This stuff is tough, plexiglass, maybe," The Captain remarked, pointing at the scattered shards around Beck's head. "It appears to be augmented too, some kind of tech, I don't know. You're good at this, Tony," Steve chuckled humorlessly, roughly turning Beck around and securing his hands with a pair of vibranium-reinforced handcuffs. God only knew where he'd gotten those from.

"Good at what? Making enemies?" Stark couldn't resist the self-depricating joke.

"Stop it, Tony," Natasha's gently admonishing voice interrupted Steve's incoming lecture. Tony, for once, was thankful that the Widow interrupted. He was in no mood to listen to another one of Steve's speeches.

"Who do you work for?" That deadly gleam in Natasha's eyes was terrifying and Beck was only a man.

"I don't work for anyone but myself, thanks to Stark," He spat venomously.

Natasha cocked an eyebrow in Tony's direction.

"Fired him years ago, this guy was going nuts. Brilliant but crazier than a bag of cats," Tony replied, feigning nonchalance. He could feel a mild headache begin to gnaw at his skull. "We worked on a project together, he got upset that I refused to weaponize it. We had a falling out. End of story." With that, Tony stood up, retracing his suit to only leave the gauntlets on his hands, gathered the various pieces of tech the good captain had removed from Beck's persona and made way towards the nearest table.

Or where he thought it was. All of them were still surrounded by the uncanny darkness. The anxiety that Tony forcefully shut down reared it's ugly head as soon as he lost physical touch with his teammates. He stumbled, his foot catching onto something on the ground.

"Ow, motherfucker!"

"Buttercup, I haven't fucked your mother nor I plan to," He snarked back automatically, flooded with relief at the sound of the familiar voice.

"Hope so. She'd probably bite your dick off if you try," A hand was groping his calf and then she stood up in front of him, still clutching the ridiculous cape. It appeared to be a source of light, which was very strange. The girl looked positively demonic, illuminated by red light, face scrunched up, eyes puffy, and clothing in disarray.

"You good?" Tony managed to choke out, confusion and worry and anxiety making his chest tight.

"Balmy. My boyfriend is a homicidal maniac with an inferiority complex," She sassed, an edge of panic to her voice. "Oh, and he tried to kill one of my best friends. I am fine and dandy."

"Your boyfriend?" That was the only thing Tony heard. Bat-shit crazy Beck, his babygirl's boyfriend? There was no way in Hell he'd allow such a thing...

"My ex-boyfriend, I guess," She sighed, removing the cape from her persona. Refusing to meet his eyes, fiddling with the hem of her top. "Here," The girl abruptly thrust the cape at him. "This is a funny thing, it's like a hologram but you can actually touch it. You should, uh, probably disinfect it, or something. I've been on-uh, around it many times," It was so unlike her, the fumbling, the embarrassment, Tony wanted to wheel her straight to medical to check if she's gotten concussed again.

Then his brain caught up and all he saw was red. Figuratively and literally - the cape was still in his face, loosely hanging from her outstretched hand. She must've seen the look on his face.

The step she took back was quick and worrying. "Forget I said that, I don't know why I said that. Oh, god."

"What were you thinking?" Tony inhaled a solid lungful, prepared to make his opinion very clear. "Getting involved with a lunatic! For a second I actually thought you were smart, there isn't a chance you missed that the guy is short of a few marbles," His voice was quiet, the one of a calm fury. His words cut deeply and he could see the hurt, the shame in her eyes, on her face. Tony knew he'd regret it later however his brain insisted it was a necessary evil. He continued ranting until he ran out of breath. "Not to mention he's, what, twice your age? And he yells at you and tells you to shut up? It didn't ring any alarm bells in that pretty little head of yours?"

"Tony, stop," Steve's hand landed on the engineer's shoulder and he simply shrugged it off, staring at the quivering girl in front of him.

She was crying, silently, few tears pooling in her eyes and streaming down her cheeks, leaving ugly streaks in her make-up. Tony expected her to sass him, to argue back, to yell obscenities like she usually did when something or someone upset her but he was met with hurt, stunned silence. His worst fear came true when she looked away, shrugging.

He'd seen this sort of dejected shrug the time her father drugged her and... She just took it. She expected it, even, his outrage, his disappointment. Being hurt and mistreated was the norm for her, Tony realized belatedly. There were too many parallels between them both that made him uncomfortable deep inside. His chest felt tight, regret washing over him like a tsunami wave.

"I'm turning on the lights, close your eyes for maximum comfort," Strange's voice announced suddenly, causing everybody to jump and shudder. Tony complied begrudgingly. The sudden influx of light was painful even from behind closed eyelids. His headache became a full-on dull throb.

"What happened?" "Are you okay?" "Is everybody alive?" Resonated across the room. Tony spied several small drones smoking and crackling next to the exit door, Stephen Strange closing a portal he must've used to evacuate the civilians.

The puddle of red holographic cape on the floor. And her hastily retreating back. Damn.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub @mostly-marvel-musings @vozit @littlegasps @pilloclock @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads @hermione-grangers-wife @individualistfem @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @cutenessloading @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie

#party favours #bun writes #Quentin Beck #tony stark fanfiction

60 notes · View notes

rappaccini · 3 years ago

Text

and the end of the rewatch is here. 1x10 | last time's notes

0:00

alien reginald was first technically confirmed here, but honestly i think the show wasn't clear enough as to what we were seeing. if you don't know better you could easily assume he's a time traveler or something. and the reginut... god the sight of it makes my blood boil knowing how vanya has it for no reason other than to give steve blackman's oc her powers so he can take her plot.

i guess the reginut's canon title is 'marigold' now? either way, there's something vaguely like it that we glimpse in hotel o in relation to the conception of a kid, and while it's too far out to say what that is, i think there's something to it being related to how the kids were made.

4:20

i like the touch of vanya destroying the house from within. and her symbolic rejection of the siblings (except five) here. it makes the rage far more personal.

6:30

constant: vanya always destroys the house and kills pogo. variable: in the comics, she does it with glee (and with the orchestra as her support), and pogo's death is more an afterthought, an acceptable casualty of destroying the house. in the show, she does it joylessly and alone, but kills pogo intentionally.

(pogo's death is certainly toned down for the rating... as much as impalement is an improvement over getting your brains blown out)

and oh god do i have such mixed feelings about show vanya being so blank now. i used to be really into it but now i just... where'd the anger go. it's not autopilot, the way i tried to make myself think it was, it's just that page genuinely isn't emoting at all. why is vanya's expression this entire episode just 😐 when this is the most emotionally fraught time for the character?

8:19

variable: luther witnesses pogo's death in the show. it's five in the comic. no matter what, someone watches.

it follows that the one who's the most against her must be the one to see it. in the comics, that's five. in the show that's luther, hence the switch.

8:50

in the show, mom dies. in the comics, she survives to be shady in future issues.

i like her death in the show, esp since the family's going to fail. it's a strong symbolic gesture to kill all the old guard who were complicit.

we'll see what butterfly effect her survival has in the comics. i'm excited about that. mom's a much more active and shady character in the comics, and while i like show-grace's super robotic passivity, i'm also like... hm, about how her agency was taken for her.

like so much of the show v comic debate, my thoughts are 'combine them.' show us stepford wife grace in apocalypse suite, and have her develop autonomy (and a darker side) as she spends more time away from reginald.

10:20

and variable: note how the brother vanya has That Vibe with is always gone from the mansion when she destroys it. hmm.

at any rate, five absolutely shouldn't have rejoined the group here. he shows up with no emotional reaction to something that should devastate him, knowing something he can't know yet, and then just vanishes again for no reason later on. he should've come back after the family left, flipped out, and had his moment of realization then.

11:20

ha sure do love how handler's death means nothing foreshadowed how her death meant nothing.

14:10

at any rate i still strongly think vanya planned to kill herself at the icarus. not destroy the world. she wouldn't even know her power can do that yet and her personality doesn't support a sudden genocidal tantrum. i hate how this is never resolved.

15:00

this entire scene at the alley needed to be done without five. and without allison sticking up for vanya-- being upset with her... is good. for allison's. character. +ha remember when steve blackman baited us with kliego only to slap us in the face with lila. expectations subverted. at any rate, in the comics, there is no bowling alley bash. i think it's fine and fun for this version, but we could swap it out easily with something else in other versions.

17:15

sigh. mixed feelings about this bit.

on the one hand, i'm of the unpopular opinion that i like allison's hypocrisy because it's one of the few times allison is allowed to have flaws. i think it's hilarious and fitting that she have this idea that she's allowed to fuck around (dubconnily, i may add) and even have a whole child, but luther has to be forever loyal to her.

i hate that the show doesn't condemn that double standard, and more or less okays it. especially since luther's one sexual experience is so dubconny (that being said, the second luther mentions he was high and out of it allison stops being upset with him, so clearly, she sees the distinction, and i'm glad that's included).

i like that luther is an absolute volcel for allison, and allison's fucking of other people (especially given that assimilationist aspect of her narrative meaning that she was fucking to survive, figuratively in la and literally in dallas) is never held against her by luther or the story. it's just a thing you clench for when female characters-- especially female characters of color-- are concerned, and i'm both surprised and happy that it isn't here.

19:50

vanya: has only one interaction with a child, and it's to snarl at her for eyeing her violin the s2 writers: let's make her a wholesome, perfect nanny! that follows!

22:00

the phone booth scene is only in the show and it's lovely. it's so bittersweet that allison finally speaks to her child, but only after it's too late to speak to her.

i love that luther takes that role for her. though i think the love confession is a little clunky in execution i think it's earnest and sweet enough to get a flying pass from me.

also dear god. the last time allison ever gets to speak to claire, and she literally cannot speak to her. she literally cannot tell her child that she loves her before she dies, and it's vanya's fault, because vanya both cut allison's vocal cords and incinerated claire alive. yes, it was a mistake both times, but honest to god, allison shouldn't care about that.

because no parent would make that distinction, when it comes to a pain as severe as knowing that 1) your young child was killed, 2) your child was burned alive, 3) your own sister is responsible for your child's death, 4) you could have stopped it but didn't, and 5) you couldn't even say goodbye to your child before it happened, 6) and the last thing your child ever heard of you was a vicious custody battle with her father eight months ago.

add onto that the trauma of having your throat slit and nearly dying, having to adapt to life as a mute, being a person who totally defines herself by her superpower and suddenly not having it anymore.

add onto that being a Black woman from 2019 being dropped in the jim crow south with no money, resources, family, friends, or even id, who literally just has the clothes on her back and has to figure out how to survive for two years all on her own, slowly losing hope that her family will come for her and that she'll ever go home to see her child again. and all the while knowing that if she had just shot vanya, none of this would've happened.

no one would forgive that instantly. yeah ~the two years gave her time to grieve and move on~ but would you move on so completely that when you see the person who nearly killed you twice, burned your child alive, disabled and depowered you, and caused your stranding in the past for two years, your first thought is to hug them and invite them to get drunk and dance around and talk romance with you?

fuck no. that makes NO sense.

honest to god allison should want to beat the everloving shit out of vanya in season two. it is incredibly stupid, illogical and lazy of the writers to just handwave all that to make sure allison stays nice and sisterly to vanya in season 2.

26:00

allison absolutely should not be in on the plan to get vanya. she serves a much better purpose back at the rubble to get five, where they can have a heart to heart about what all this shit means.

28:00

the entire interaction with handler is a totally pointless scene that retreads plot points from episodes ago that just exists to get five out of the way.

30:35

constant: vanya always performs with the orchestra at the icarus theater. she always performs all in white.

variable: in the comics, vanya is totally nude, and she has no audience-- there is no formal concert, since the icarus is condemned. the orchestra is in on the world destruction plan and are her loyal followers who literally leap into battle at her command.

in the show, she's in a black suit, the orchestra just think they're performing an ordinary concert and abandon her, and the concert starts full end empties out. the commission goons are the closest thing to cronies she has.

(i like the swapping of the orchestra with the goons: it keeps the commission front and center as an antagonist to contend with in the future, and it makes sense that they'd defend their asset in the universe where her apocalypse carries through. maybe another version can make the orchestra work though.)

what's unclear: in the show, you can't really tell if vanya wants to destroy the world or not. in the comics, she's totally down for it and says as much, and taunts the academy as they try to stop her, but in the show she literally doesn't speak at all. we have no idea what she intends. i hate that. she feels like a vessel for the plot and not its creator.

and tbh while i like that vanya isn't nude anymore and like her suit, i'd love for her to have other world-killing outfits. a leotard, or an evening gown could serve the same purpose. lets get some variety in the looks and try something different next time around please. or at least get those violin markings on the suit next time.

and white. hair. please.

also... man. remember when the apocalypse was the direct result of all our characters' actions and was an operatic allegory for the dysfunction at the heart of the family? instead of the side effect of electroshocking vanya until her powers fell out even though she was drugged and shouldn't have been able to use them in the first place?

gods the writing was strong then

34:45

... yeah the smile... again, i like it but i feel like it messes with the scene's vibe. vanya would not smile at allison like that at this point in her arc. allison should not smile at vanya given what she tried to do to her. the show needed to let them be angry at each other to make their eventual reconciliation and friendship feel actually earned and compelling instead of plastic and empty.

35:00

when it comes to the fight itself, diego slipping in through the side is the same, but he actually has an instrumental role in trying to stop vanya, whereas in the show his role is 'get the gun on stage by mistake.'

in both, diego is unable to kill his female enemy when she's at his mercy, but in only one of them (the comic) it's actually earned, because he loves vanya too much.

i get what they're going for, but this shit makes no damn sense so honest to god they needed to cut it. that's not diego's arc this season-- his arc needed to be cutting the vigilante shit. he can see the good in people in season two.

luther actually doesn't participate in the comics bc he's busy getting allison, throat freshly slit, to a hospital. i think it's vital for everyone to be here, so i'm glad this was changed.

37:10

klaus's role in the climax is a lot more complex in the comics than 'summons ben' -- man dresses up as reg, pretends to be possessed, recruits tribesmen and children's orchestras in a huge elaborate con to get vanya to give up and reduces her to tears by just talking to her... dude put in work.

honestly i think that the simplified version the show goes with works a lot better. him finally embracing his power and bringing ben into the plot at last (lol and then that was tossed out for s2 bc the writers were too lazy to let ben do things).

also... god. ben. i love that the show brings him in on day one and builds towards him rejoining the family fully.

i hate that the show threw it out for no reason, made him do nothing for a whole season, and killed him in a scene that makes fundamentally no sense. and then implied that fucking lila would be the new number six. fuuuuuck. you.

38:10

pAtCh BeLiEvEd In PeOpLE

huuuuuuh? WHERE????

look. 'see the good in people' is a good message for diego's cynical ass to learn. it has its roots in diego literally crawling on his knees after vanya, appealing to her inner loneliness and begging her to stop and just go home with him. and even without the viego vibe, diego deciding to give vanya a chance anyway because of this lesson can work.

but man does it just not work here. because he never does. he jumps into the suicide run with everyone else, and eudora... never even wanted him to learn that. she wanted him to stop vigilanteeing.

mess.

and redoing See The Good In People, but with lila/vanya's younger hotter replacement? fuuuck off.

39:30

vanya never actually drained the family of their energy quite like this. she was distracted, lured into a vulnerable state by klaus and then shot by five.

this was probably changed to give vanya more of an upper hand.

41:00

this is a gorgeous camera move.

and this should have been five.

in the comics, it IS him, and it feels like the show was building towards it being the case until they just... don't go there for no reason.

aside from it simply just... not being good that allison isn't able to be angry with vanya for taking her rumor, the thing she bases her entire identity on, and her ability to do her job, communicate and speak to her child away... god it just needed to be five.

this is his moment. the apocalypse is his to stop.

but anyway. it's fucking allison. for some reason. maybe steve felt like ~subverting expectations~ by throwing a story point away for a twist, maybe he felt a little guilty about allison having nothing to do all season. whatever the case, big mistake.

(if it's the latter.... you can fix that by simply letting allison do things before the finale. like, for example, being smart enough to know how to write her using her rumor without ending the plot too early.)

all being said, i like the revision to the conflict is vanya having her head shot past, rather than shot.

still should've been five to do it.

41:40

the family cradling vanya only happens in the show. in the comic they just let her lay there.

i like that better. let's keep it.

(also, look at mom and dad, holding the baby. love them. hate that the show dumbed them down and got rid of that parental dynamic they had with the rest of the hargs.)

and as in the comics, our girl blew up the moon.

but variable: the academy succeeds in saving everyone in the comics. klaus's telekinesis catches the moon and puts it back. in the show, they fail.

in my opinion, this is better. thematically speaking, they can't succeed in saving the world until they get through to vanya. they haven't done that yet, so they shouldn't save it.

so, s2 is already set up to be inherently different from the dallas arc because in the comics, they never time travel collectively to the 1960s. this is also better, imo, because it allows us to hit the ground running with the latter half of the dallas arc. not that they do, of course. but theoretically.

aside from this it's fun knowing that show-tua is set in the midwest (in s1 it seems like they're in michigan. in s2 seems like they retcon this to indianapolis). in the comics, their location is the fictional 'huxley country'-- and the closest thing to it exists in iowa, though they probably intend it to be east coast (though they pointedly don't identify the city as anything more than The City).

regardless i feel like tua just... is. a story that should be told in the midwest. it just fits the ambiance.

45:00

in our end montage of 'people we love who are incinerated' for some damn reason we don't see claire???

instead we get beeman and officer cheddar (a rural cop who somehow has a big city office?). both cops. yaaay.

also... officer fucking cheddar, who allison knows for 45 minutes, but not her child???? steve blackman?????

i do love that hazel escapes with agnes (and hate how that ends for them), and that cha gets burned alive as the end result of her ultimate corporate shilldom. that is, indeed, all bootlicking will get you. pity the writers forgot that in s2.

at any rate in the comics, we end on allison in the hospital recovering, vanya in surgery with the implication that she may never have the motor control to play violin again, the family realizing the eiffel tower landed on the house, and luther and diego smiling at each other for the very first time in the rubble as they have ice cream together, a symbol within the family of a mission well done.

the endings are so diametrically different. the show set themselves on a path that had to diverge wildly from the comics, simply because the comics kept the world intact and wrapped things up in a little bow--- because of that wrapup, the time skip in the comics makes sense. it doesn't work in the show because you don't follow a cliffhanger up with 'aaand anyway Three Years After That.' you kill all momentum that way.

anyway i think the change to the world genuinely ending is interesting and could've been strong, had they not botched it. i think it's thematically significant that the family can't save the world until they fix their shit-- therefore, them failing makes sense, as long as you follow through with them actually earning their reconciliation before they succeed in saving it. maybe someone else can get it right.

and 45:30

mr way's back with hazy shade of winter and man is it bittersweet now because the rich theming about how time can change everything, nothing's too late and everything can heal if you just try, encapsulated in this song..... doesn't matter.

sigh. maybe in the comics. maybe next time.

anyway. this episode does so much good with the source material: tightening it to make it above all else rooted in interpersonal drama, and evolving the ending to make for a more high-stakes second season (not that it ever materialized). but some glaring writing flaws really fuck it up: diego's plot is a mess, allison is not the one who should be holding the gun to vanya.

101 | 102 | 103 | 104 | 105 | 106 | 107 | 108 | 109 | x | overall

#tua tv #tua s1 rewatch #tua comic

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midnight-lightning · 5 years ago

Text

Next to you

George Weasley x reader

Summary:

Transporting Harry safely to the burrow was a tough task, not to die on the way was even tougher. But nearly losing George was just unbearable.

You were at the edge of a breakdown when you finally arrived at the Burrow.

The Fact that Harry and Hagrid were the only ones who had yet come did little to make things better.

So as soon as your feet were close enough to the ground you jumped off your broom, nearly stumbling towards the two figures who had stopped in their tracks as soon as they had seen you. While Hagrid looked rather fed up and exhausted there was a wave of relief upon Harry's face seeing you still alive.

"Has anybody else arrived yet? Is George..?" You wheezed, still gasping for air.

Hagrid grunted and Harry shook his head unhappy. Of course this pure poor boy would burden the lives of everyone upon his own shoulders.

"But I'm glad you're alright, Y/N," he answered, relieved that at least one life was not being ended because of him.

It was the moment the poly juice potion was losing its effect and you were slowly turning into yourself again. A big relief, really uncomfortable being in someone's else's body.

"I'm glad you both are unharmed, too," you managed to say with a trembling voice.

Because while you were actually glad they both were alright, the memory of the last seconds with George just minutes ago didn't leave your mind.

George's joke and the last grin you saw of him before this damn lighting suddenly appeared throwing you off of your broom and then there was nothing but water.

And for what felt like hours - but probably was only about a minute- you were drowning in the cold not knowing where was up nor down until you had finally broke the surface. This was also the place you lost your or rather Harry's glasses so your eye sight while flying back wasn't the best either.

So, yeah, now you were here, wet, pissed and overall worried about the man you swore to not let out of sight.

"Harry!" A very worried looking Molly Weasley appeared at the entrance of the burrow and immediately began to hurry towards you, close to her was also Ginny. "Hagrid, Y/N! What happened? Where are the others?"

"They had us right from the start, Molly," Hagrid answered. "We didn't stand a chance."

Molly nodded a few times her eyes fixed on the ground. "Well, thank goodness, you three are alright at least."

She looked up, forcing a comforting smile, and you saw all the pain and worry in her eye, she was only a step away from crying.

"Molly, I-," you started only to fall silent mid sentenced.

What did you want to say? Was there even something you could say?

But Molly's eyes softened when she saw the fears in your own gaze.

After all she had most of friends, her sons and her husband out there fighting for their lives, and she didn't even know if she would ever see them again.

You couldn't be selfish right now, you needed to be strong.

"Oh, dear...Let's get inside for some tea while we wait, shall we?" Molly's reassuring smile and the gentle and warm touch of her hand on your arm gave you the feeling only a real mother could give; Feeling safe and secure. The believe that maybe everything will actually be alright.

It was silly, though, too much was broken to be ever alright, too much was still about to break. But right now in this moment you let yourself lull into this feeling, following both Hagrid and Molly back inside.

"They were looking for us," Hagrid started to explain once more while you passed Harry and Ginny. Both of them stayed behind, standing rather close to each other and mumbled about something you couldn't quite hear nor thought you should.

They both were a very sweet couple, you couldn't deny it.

The sudden sound of a loud explosion behind you made you stop in the tracks and instantly turn around to see two figures appearing in the dark.

"Quick!"

It was Lupin who shouted in despair. And only then you noticed that he was supporting another Harry that could barely manage to take by the steps.

And in this exact moment your heart stopped.

In this moment you realised who Lupin was carrying and before you knew your feet were already running towards him.

"George!"

Harry was the first one beside him, supporting George's other side.

"Oh god, no no, please no," you pleaded over and over again without really realising.

His eyes were closed, half of his face was covered in blood on the side were his ear was now missing. He seemed dead, and until this moment you've never felt this amount of fear and despair in your whole life.

"Please, no."

"Get him in the house." You heard Lupin order and you immediately rushed forwards into the burrow, move everything away that could be in the way and also removed everything on the coach except for a few pillows which you put on one edge to make it comfortable.

Molly rushed out of the kitchen and for a moment you thought this usual strong woman would break down when she spotted her son in this condition. "Oh, my boy!"

While Lupin and Harry laid George carefully down on the couch you run to the kitchen searching for a sheet or a towel but now tears were starting to blur your vision.

"Damn it, shut up, Y/N!" You sniffed and just grabbed one of the fresh towels on the shelf before you returned into the living room again.

Only now you saw lupin cornering Harry with his wand shouting something about his office but right know you couldn't focus on that.

Right now all you saw was your boyfriend, your George lying on the couch, unconscious and in pain.

You knelt in front of him and next to Molly and softly brushed his ginger hair out of his face, just staring for a few seconds.

Before you took the towel and gently and as careful as you could started to wipe the sweat out of his hot forehead.

When the towel in your hand turned slightly red from all the amount of blood on his face and on your hands you couldn't stop the tears anymore.

Several more, very dreadful minutes had passed before George finally opened his eyes and you swear your heart skipped three beats at once.

You heard Molly gasping for air beside you while she lovingly put her hand into George's hair, trying to calm him and also herself down. "How are you feeling, dear?"

But George didn't seem to hear her. It took a few seconds more before his eyes could focus and finally recognise the person in front of him, realising it was you.

"You're alive... ," he mumbled. His voice hoarse and so so weak, it nearly broke your heart. "I followed you...but the water... I thought you were-"

"Shhh," you silenced him and cupped one of his hands in yours. "You're the one who is nearly dying right now."

"Are you crying, love?"

A sob caught in your throat looking into George's sparkling brown eyes. "Of course not."

He managed a weak smile before his gaze landed on somebody behind you.

It was Fred who had just entered the room searching for his wounded brother.

You moved a little bit to ensure Fred has enough room but you did not dare to let got of George's hand. In this moment you couldn't imagine you ever will.

"How are you feeling, Georgy?"

George took a deep and apparently very strained breath before he closed his eyes again for a few seconds, making your heart race even more.

"Saint like..."

"Come again?"

Fred's face resembled your confusion before his brother slightly opened his eyes and points a finger to the place were was once his ear.

"Saint like...I'm holy, Fred. Get it?" A hint of his usual mischievous grin appeared on his face and you couldn't help but laugh a little while you tried to wipe away your tears.

Fred shook his head mockingly. "The whole wide world of ear-related humour and you go for 'I'm holy'. Pathetic."

"I'm still better looking than you."

His brother snorted and looked at him sardonically but you could see there were tears in his eyes as well seeing his twin in such a state.

"Mad-Eye is dead."

A little bit startled from the sudden noise you turned around and saw Bill Weasley.

Next to him was also the rest of the Orden which you hadn't noticed until now.

An oppressive silence arrised when you grasped what Bill had just said.

Mad Eye Moody was dead. Killed by death eaters. He was your professor in sixth grade, very intimidating indeed but he was a good man and a very intelligent and skilled wizard.

Molly clapped her hands twice breaking the quietness and causing you to flinch again. "Now, now, this was a very dreadful day, for everyone of us. I suggest we all should get some rest before tomorrow."

The wedding... Merlin, you had nearly forgotten about Bill's and Fleur's wedding.

You turned back around to George only to find him already looking at you with a small smile.

His hand was still intertwined with yours and while you stroke his hand with your thumb he squeezed your fingers. "You should go and get some sleep."

Like hell you will.

You knew exactly that you wouldn't close an eye tonight, not without his presence next to you, knowing he is still alive, not without nightmares and the fear that he won't be there as soon as you would close your eyes.

"I'll be right back, I promise," you whispered as you brought your hands up to press a kiss to his fingers.

Slowly you stood up and went to bring your stuff up into Ginny's bedroom where you and Hermione will be sleeping as always. Speaking of which, you hadn't even had the chance to greet her or Ron in his chaos.

So you changed as quick as possible into your pyjamas, brushed your teeth and managed to talk to Hermione and Ron but only for a short moment because you wanted nothing more than to be downstairs with George.

By the time you got there Molly apparently did a whole job as a nurse Mother.

The blood on George's face was gone, instead a fresh bandage was tied around his head and ear, in which a toothbrush was now sticking.

But most importantly he had gained a little bit colour and didn't look as half as dead as he did before.

As soon as you entered the room his eyes found yours, sparkling a little bit more and your heart racing a little bit more. "Took you long enough, love."

You took in your former position on the ground in front of his couch, immediately reaching for his hands.

"How are you feeling?"

"A lot better now. But I think I'm gonna vomit because of this gross cream my mum gave me," he stated.

"Yeah, it really does smell bad," you let out a quiet laugh not wanting to wake anybody who might be asleep already.

Your eyes shifted down to your hands, suddenly very aware how close you had been to lose him forever.

"George, I-" You began not meeting his eyes. But the tears were already lumping in your throat.

"C'mere," he whispered, making more room for you on the couch and then opened his blanket. He didn't need to say it twice.

You made yourself comfortable as much as possible and always in worry to hurt him. Once you were snuggled up against George you finally lifted your eyes to meet him.

He looked as handsome as ever regardless the bruises on his face or the bandage. Just feeling him next to you made everything a lot better.

"You got me scared out there when I saw you falling into the water, love," George murmured, his fingers tracing small circles on your back. "And then the only thing I saw was dark water and you were gone. I was on my way flying towards you when I was hit by a curse. Everything after that is just a blurry memory, but waking up to see you very much alive in front of me was probably the best thing."

You lifted one hand to cup his face, brushing some of his hair behind.

"I never want to feel this way ever again, George. When Lupin arrived with you, half dead... It was bloody horrifying."

You pulled in a little bit closer, your nose was nearly touching his. His lips only inches away from yours.

You loved him.

So damn much.

When your eyes locked once more George crossed the small distance and softly put his lips on yours.

Your eyes closed on their own and you were sinking into the gentle kiss.

Smelling his familiar scent, feeling his hand on your back, his presence beside you.

You just hoped Molly or anybody else wouldn't discover you being here.

Your eyes slowly opened again to see George with a soft smile on his face.

"I love you."

"I love you, Georgy."

It wasn't the first time either of you had said these three words, but something about nearly dying and losing each other today made this more.... special.

Snuggled into his side and your hand in his hand it didn't take long until you were both asleep.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Waking up the next morning wasn't in fact as nice and comfortable as falling asleep.

For one thing Fred Weasley was the first who had discovered you two together on the couch so of course he wouldn't let the opportunity pass to have a little fun.

That's way the first thing you saw when you woke up were two big brown eyes staring at you, just inches away. "Morning," Fred sing-sang with a big grin.

To say you get frightened was an understatement. You were lucky enough to be able to control your scream and only wake up George beside you.

"Fred, you moron. Get lost," he grumbled sticking his head deeper into his pillow and pulling you closer to him.

Fred poured his lips. "Well, if you want Mum to walk in right now and seeing both of you snuggled up on this couch... alright, I'll just go."

Faster than a bolt you were up and springing of the 'bed' traipsing from one foot to the other. "What? No! I will be dead immediately."

Both Fred and George hid their laughs. "Firstly, she will certainly notice you when you keep shouting like that and second I would probably be the one to be killed. She would only be disappointed with you," George states while slowly sitting up, straightening his bandages.

"Ohw, this is not making things better, George. I can't disappoint your mother! Oh god, what time is it? I have to get ready. The wedding! My god the wedding... Uhm see you ...guys." Yes, you wanted nothing more than to vanish from this very very uncomfortable scene before anyone else decided to get up.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

A very bashful Ginny and an even more embarrassed looking Harry were hurrying out of the kitchen when you arrived downstairs so you guessed George must have been in there, keeping the struggle real.

He was standing at the kitchen sink, drinking a cup of tea and were also smirking in a very amused way.

With a grin you leant against the door frame, crossing both your arms. "What have you done to the poor kids? And don't tell me it was nothing, I've seen their faces."

George let out a laugh before he put his cup in the sinking and turned to you. "They were snogging right in front of me, Y/N. No manners, these kids," he said just seconds before he bend down to gain his own kiss.

"You look stunning, by the way."

"You don't look that bad yourself, Weasley," you answered with a mischief glance in your eyes fixing the bow tie on his shirt. Just a small detail to perfect his whole outfit. He did look indeed very handsome.

"Not that bad? Love, I haven't been dressed that well since the yule ball. I truly need more appreciation."

"And push your ego even higher? No way, honey."

"Pfft."

You let out a heart-full laugh, one of the kind George would do anything to hear anytime.

"Shall we go now? We still have a wedding to attend."

#george weasley imagine #george weasley x you #george weasley x reader #george weasley #Harry Potter #harry potter imagine #weasley twins #Weasley imagine #Weasley x reader #Weasley x you #Molly Weasley

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moondustaeil · 3 years ago

Text

𝐫𝐞:𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞.

↳ Ambrosia's not-so-happy life update.

trigger warning, this post includes: weight loss, food, calorie counting, disordered eating habits, suicide, insecurities, fears.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏: 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭, 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭?

As I contemplate whether I should make an earnest post look as aesthetic as possible, my eyes are tearing up to Lee Chansub's "Gone". Therefore, this chapter gets named after his lyrics.

Since when was it? It's a question that crosses my mind after deciding on the chapter name, even though I'm well aware of the number of days that have passed. Each day I write that significant number in my journal, but there must be more than the pen can write. Beyond my awareness: there must have been a certain amount of time spent on a prologue to pen down the event that ultimately led to this chapter.

Since where was it? There could be multiple meanings behind the question, but I can only formulate a limited answer despite the openness. As far as I'm in charge of this story, there is no why or where. Yes, I quite literally woke up one day and decided to go on a diet, simple as that. Before that day, dieting never crossed my mind: I never saw my body as too much or myself as too little compared to others. Can you understand now why I think a prologue was written for me and not by me?

Anyhow, let's have a look at how I think I experienced my life before the diet. Sometimes I think I don't even remember how I experienced the last moments of it, but that doesn't mean I don't know how it went. My life before the diet was pretty plain: I didn't engage in any social or physical activities and spent most of my time behind my laptop to write or lurk around on YouTube. Eating-habit-wise, I never ate much: three meals a day with occasional snacks, those snacks probably covering more calories than my meals did. Despite eating calorie-covering snacks, I would have given my all for fruit and vegetables, especially frozen fruit. Back then, I already had significant eating habits: I'd eat nuts when I was stressed, drink smoothies while studying for exams, eat sour sweets when I was bored. My body before the diet wasn't that noteworthy: I maintained the same weight for around three years and only ditched my tight jeans because covid had me feeling too lazy to wear them. A youth like this might sound boring to you, but I gladly lived my life like this and, I don't regret the way I spent it.

I can still recall up to two days before it began: I can tell the contents of those days like I was the supporting cast instead of the main character, simply because I can't remember the emotions. The two last days were spent behind my laptop, waiting for the exam results while eating spicy nuts (to keep the stress level low). When the exam results came, and I realised I passed them all, I must have felt relieved. But in my memory, I didn't and don't feel anything at all concerning my exams. And that's where it stops. I don't even know where it starts again.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐: 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲

It quite literally feels like I woke up with no memories of the first days of the diet: I can recall what I ate, but not what I did or felt.

On the first day, I drank a strawberry oat smoothie for breakfast. It was my first self-made smoothie which was convincingly delicious compared to the bought smoothies I used to have. That same day, I stopped eating snacks: unknowingly, I restricted them and wouldn't allow them for the months after.

That paragraph is all I remember from the first day, and if I were to write one about every day of that week, it would be less each day. Maybe those days just weren't memory-worthy enough as I don't want to search for a reason behind every single thing.

For approximately twenty-eight days after the first one, I have no recollections. The only way I can reflect on those days is by checking my calorie intake and physical activity. Though, it doesn't feel like I was the one who tracked it.

The first proper recollection I have is of a day I ate 180 calories for the first time: a number I can only wonder about now. Though it was my first time having such a low intake, it wasn't the last or lowest. The number 180 seemed to attract me as in the days that followed, 180 would be the maximum amount of calories I'd consume. Back then, I had no idea what TDEE or BMR (of any of the other terms) were, so I can't tell you what my deficit was. But I would burn around 1200 calories a day by exercising, and that should be enough to raise red flags.

From that point on, even though I was probably slowly killing myself, I felt alive. A growing obsession with food, weight loss and exercise was fueling my mind. While my body was left behind, trying to catch up with the pace. If I didn't lose more than 1 gram overnight, I'd starve myself the next day. If I felt too lazy to exercise, I'd punish myself for being lazy by doing more. My weight dropped a lot, up to the point where the scale sometimes seemed to skip numbers.

Then a parent swap came: I would be staying with my dad for two weeks. In advance, I had already figured out everything I thought I needed to know: how I would skip meals without him finding out, at what times I could exercise without him knowing, where I could throw away the food he thought I would eat. The day I packed my bag and left for his house, my plans turned into action.

The two weeks there went as smooth as I planned them to go. Even with bonuses: he worked up to three days a week and did not question it when I didn't eat. In those two weeks, I would replace kpop videos with programs I used to despise: supersize versus superskinny and mukbangs. The videos would satisfy my hunger in some way, even though they caused me to start nailbiting. I wouldn't eat: I would only watch as others fed themselves.

Since I lost the initial subject I wanted to discuss in this chapter (I'm so sorry), I shall be moving on to the next chapter.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟑: 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨? 𝐃𝐢𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐚𝐭?

It was at this point that people were starting to notice things that I hadn't. Sometimes those things were appearance-related and, other times it was personality-related or even habit-related.

It started with a compliment from my aunt, and I felt like I was glowing when she mentioned my visible jawline and thin face. Maybe I was slightly disappointed that she noticed the facial changes before my body but, at the same time, she noticed a difference!

After her, people started commenting on my body, and I worked more to achieve those comments. I saw them as comments rather than compliments: I didn't tire myself out starting from 5:20 am every day just to receive a meaningless compliment. I wanted people to take notice.

And, they did. People that directly surrounded me were starting to notice things that I failed to see. Mostly stuff that changed about my personality while my body was changing. My mother told me that I became the opposite of easy-going and friendly when others were around. My sister told me that my facial expressions had gone even further than my usual resting bitch face. My nephew said that all I would do was try to end up in arguments with others and that he didn't like being around me anymore. It hurt to have all of those things said, but at the same time, I was too in denial to care. The only thing I cared about was food, exercise and losing weight.

On rare occasions, I became aware of the person I became. Mostly when others would try to reach me by calling or coming over but I was too busy to talk to them, and if I did, I would talk about food-related things only. So, I shut everyone out.

I no longer talked to my friends daily, wouldn't reply to my parents sending me messages, didn't go on social media unless it was to look at food or triggering images.

The world consisted of me and was ruled by my obsession.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒: 𝐈 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

There is an unknown amount of time that settles itself between the previous chapter and this chapter. During this time, I once again feel like I'm just a supporting character: my habits develop and my obsession rules over everything I do.

Many of the things I did (which already wasn't a lot, to begin with), were based on stuff I said already. Though even more refined and obsessive.

When I closed my eyes, sleep would take me to dreams about food and weight loss. Approximately three times a night, I would open my eyes, assume it was morning and get ready for another day of exhaustion and starvation. Those nightly hours are still engraved in my mind and current habits: 12:00 am, 3:20 am, 5:28 am.

It is in this chapter that a slow awareness creeps up on me. The side effects are what wakens me when everything else consumes me: constant thoughts about food, the inability to sleep, not being able to think or focus, drifting from reality, always feeling cold, tingling headaches, not leaving the house for days unless it's for shopping (because I would look at food I couldn't eat).

"I need to stop," I told myself while I wrote in my journal how much better I would be if I lost some more weight because the scale is tempting me.

I didn't want to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

Though in reality, I had no control to stop myself or it. I had lost control long ago, and to this day, I still have no idea at which chapter I left it behind. Some days I thought of how to stop, but the exit sign was more like a full-stop as it led me to think of killing myself: it would make my family stop commenting on my condition and could give me a sense of freedom even though I would be dead.

It surely wasn't the first time I passed that exit sign in life, but it was the first time I felt determined to pass it by. All I wanted was to be able to sleep peacefully without thinking of food. *Snort*, such high standards.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟓: 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬

Unexpectedly, a good dream did cloud over my bedroom. Even though it was simple, it's one of the dreams that I hope to keep in my memory forever. And for laughs, I'll share it.

TO1-member Donggeon was standing near my garage but, my mother's car wasn't in the driveway because she wasn't home. I was standing outside with him while he talked with Wei's Donghan (who was invisible to me). They were having a casual conversation in Korean. Then, he wanted to lean against the car that wasn't in the driveway, causing him to fall on all fours. He laughed at his stupidity and, at the same time, his ears were getting red from embarrassment.

That pretty much sums up the first not-food-related dream I had during my entire journey. And I still remember waking up at 3:20 am, laughing: it was stupid and silly but left such a big impression on me. And that's when I told myself: "I need to recover".

It sounds silly but I still, to this day, think that this dream set me off into recovery mode. Even though I felt like I had no control, I tried to take control: calculated a number of calories that I surely had to eat each day, planned Thursday to be my active rest-day, found less intense workouts to do in the morning, tried to replace the mukbangs in my watch later list by relaxing videos or recovery videos, scheduled to journal every day. Though I told myself I would do those things, it wasn't easy to put my words into action.

Yet, I fucking did it.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟔: 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Not going to lie: I spent all night wondering how I was going to write this and all morning putting it into proper words. Hence, the reason why I'm feeling exhausted: too exhausted to continue writing it even though the blooming period is so close. So instead of giving a lecture on recovery: I will try to give my opinion on recovering and how I'm doing these days.

Each day, I still question whether I'm truly in a recovery of something. I never went to see a professional or verbally admitted to my problems, so I never learned whether I'm recovering from something or just making progress after a downfall. I might be familiar with the use of DSM-4 and DSM-5 but, that doesn't mean I'm qualified to judge on whether I had/have a disorder or not. Yet, I opt to use the terms disordered eating and recovery until I'm sure of what it was that I went through.

Some days it feels like I was faking all of it, but then I realise, how was I faking it while I was going through it and experiencing it? Perhaps some of you reading even think I am faking all of the above, but that's your opinion. I don't need to defend myself for feeling things.

Now, I'll update you on where I'm standing today because I guess I wrote six chapters in order to get to this point. We all know I like to write more than necessary.

⋅ My disordered eating habits and calorie intake: I have made quite some progress (even if I say so myself). Each week, I challenge myself to increase my calorie intake by 100 until I reach my maintenance calories. It isn't as easy as it sounds because by the time I actually dared to increase by ten calories, the week is over, and I have to adjust my goal because I wasn't even able to reach close to where I planned to be. This week my goal is to eat 800 calories a day: a number that unexpectedly is paired with a lot of guilt and fear, so I haven't been able to eat that amount yet. The maximum I've eaten is 641 calories a day. Together with that, I also promised myself to eat one fear food or not-eaten food a week: that way, I hope to stop restricting myself and learn to enjoy them again. Some lasting habits I developed: I fear eating too early and will try to push back eating as late as I can because it gives me the feeling that I can enjoy it for longer but I do have strict hours, I cut everything into mini pieces because it gives me the feeling that I have more to nibble on and more to enjoy, I read every single nutrition label multiple times (in the store and at home) because I fear that it might include too many calories or fat, I don't eat anything that I didn't plan and nothing that I can't track calorie-wise, I eat the same thing for breakfast every day because I feel like it's the only food I can trust. The urge to skip meals or lie about them is getting smaller, but the thought always remains in the back of my mind.

⋅ My weight: I'm at a weight that is still considered healthy according to whoever feels qualified to judge. However, I fear gaining weight every single day, which stops me from eating my weekly allowance. Despite eating more than at the start of this: I still lose weight. The weight loss fuels the bad habits once more, but I try to tell myself that my weight is only to indicate whether I'm close to my maintenance calories or not.

⋅ My body: my body kept most of its side effects inside until I started to recover aside from the ones that I've stated before. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't feel cold despite wearing a shirt only, so that was a win for my body. However, I do have constant headaches, get blackouts often and, I easily feel my energy draining whenever I do a little bit too much (which I didn't always feel when I was actively doing it). That being said, my abilities have definitely decreased: you can read what kind of exercise I do in the next paragraph, but it has decreased a lot because I will feel weak sooner than before.

⋅ Exercise: I am between struggling and not struggling with it. The reason why I started to exercise was to burn more calories than I ate. But back then, I had no knowledge of BMR and whatnot. These days I do a lot less impactful exercise than I did before, but I still exercise each day: I do 96 minutes of stationary cycling a day, go on daily walks and have the obsession to take steps whenever I'm standing still. As you might be able to tell, I feel like I'm on the line of having control here.

⋅ My personality/social life/hobbies: even though I was in denial about my changing personality for a long while, I eventually realised that people were right when they said I changed. The realisation came during recovery, mostly because I noticed how I was in a better mood than when I was at my lowest point. My social life is building up slowly and doesn't always include me having to talk about my weight loss or food, though people always mention it so, I do always end up having to talk about it without wanting to. As for hobbies, I found my interest in kpop and writing again but, it's still at a somewhat moderate level. I still find myself lurking at food-related posts or triggering things, but I can control myself better and watch some positive videos instead. Aside from that, I journal every day: I write down what I ate, my physical activity, what I saw as memorable in my day, and more.

𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞

That's pretty much all for the life update. I still left out a lot that I failed to remember while writing or felt too tired to write about, and I bet not a lot of you are interested in any of this anyway. I just felt like I owed everyone an explanation of where I've been and why I haven't been reblogging much or writing.

As I've stated a few times before, I don't know yet when I will get back into writing or posting content. And the past months made me realise that it might be good for myself if I take some time away from Tumblr: I won't be able to look for triggering content, won't be able to trigger anyone else on accident and can focus on working towards my goals.

I hate the word hiatus but I think this means that I will be going on semi-hiatus. On good days, I might still come here to talk to my mutuals or reblog some kpop content that I enjoy. But other times, I probably won't respond or interact much as I'm logged out.

For now, my semi-hiatus will continue until mid to end September. This might be shortened or extended depending on my progress and my personal needs.

Have a lovely day, moonflowers! 💌

#ambrosia's life #was this the tag i used to use for stuff like this?

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