#if i say i haven’t then i’m a stuck up self-righteous bitch who doesn’t know how to have fun

[gayvampyr]

people are so fucking annoying when it comes to drugs and alcohol. oh you’ve never drank or smoked? why? does your family have a history of addiction? none of your fucking business. oh you have drank or smoked? why? for fun? mental problems? again. none of your business. why do you care

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #29 - The One Where Everyone Gets Super Shiny

Our issue opens up with Swerve laying down the Story So Far in the Exposition Dimension.

Fantastic, you funky little man.

If Swerve looks like he’s been tossed through the car wash a few dozen times, it’s because this is where our new colorist comes in! Everyone, please say hello to Joana Lafuente- known for her love of gradients and attention to light sources, this actually isn’t the first time we’ve run into her. Lafuente worked on colors for several issues of The Transformers (2009), Last Stand of the Wreckers #3, and a few issues of MTMTE Season 1. However, she was matching the styles of her co-colorists on a majority of these, so we haven’t seen her style properly until now.

Getting into the story proper, Cyclonus is busying himself with staring out the window at a PNG of space, as he is wont to do, when he hears the tell-tale sound of tires squealing down the hall towards his room. Oh, goodness, whoever could that be?

Nearly forgot about him, didn’t you? Yeah, it’s a little difficult to follow up on things like a character’s recovery from a horrific disease when you’ve got comic event contract obligations to deal with.

After getting tackled by Tailgate, who reminds us all about the time he stuck his dirty little fingers into a dude’s brain meat, Cyclonus takes the little nerd on a walk through the ship.

You’re not going to convince me to reread “Dark Cybertron”. I don’t care how much of a marshmallow you are, it’s not happening.

They’re passed by Megatron and a bunch of crew members carrying that coffin we saw at the end of last issue down the corridor, Tailgate has a moment, and we get a taste of Cyclonus’ distaste for the Autobots as a whole. Tailgate is mildly offended by this, as he gropes his chest in distain, showing off his shiny new Autobot badge- a gift for not dying a terrible, gruesome death.

Good job, Tailgate. Proud of you.

They’re also passed by an absolutely blitzed Jackpot and Mainframe, the former singing Tailgate’s Tyrest-stopping praises as the latter carts him over to the Medibay to deal with the almost alcohol poisoning he’s got going on. Cyclonus remarks that Tailgate was missed, though Tailgate can’t help but wonder if that’s really true.

Y’all like slowburn romance, right? Because these two dumbasses have been roommates for two years, and we’ve just gotten to the point where physical contact can happen without one of them needing to be dying.

Anyway, it’s been a good day for Tailgate so far. Let’s hope it stays that way for the little dude.

...And that’s a series wrap on Tailgate! Let’s give him a hand, folks!

Hopping back in time to Megatron’s trial, things get underway, as Optimus Prime takes a nap in the judge’s bench as Gripper- whose name you don’t need to remember, as he’s not actually important- tells everyone about how brutal the Decepticon Justice Division is, even to Autobots. Which isn’t really supposed to be their deal, given their, y’know, name, but I suppose nobody’s perfect.

Up in the stands, in an… opera box, I guess? Rodimus is watching the proceedings, when Atomizer walks in. Which I guess you can just do in a Cybertronian court case. Sure.

Atomizer, in case you forgot, is the dude who has a bow and arrow, and used to be an interior designer.

Say, didn’t Whirl has a bow and arrow in the last issue when he attacked Megatron? Mighty curious, that.

Rodimus and Atomizer briefly reflect on the DJD, recalling the horror that was Vos- not that Vos, the other one. Rodimus would really just rather this all be over with so the Lost Light can get back to finding the Knights of Cybertron, and it’s at this point that Atomizer breaks out a thing he really ought not have- the count for the vote on whether or not Rodimus should stay on as captain. Rodimus doesn’t want to look at it, because it was supposed to be anonymous for a reason, and tells Atomizer to destroy the list entirely.

Hm, that’s not a terribly determined face there, Rodimus.

Back in the present, specifically in Swerve’s, Groove is threatening to break Streetwise’s arm, as we get the downlow on just what exactly our Legislator buddy’s deal is. Turn’s out, Swerve got one of the things reprogrammed, so that he follows not the Autobot Code, but something else entirely.

Hey, Swerve?

I don’t expect you to know this, because I don’t think you were present when they revealed this information to the readers, but… your new bouncer is made of people. He’s a dude made of other dudes, namely the Circle of Light. There’s a chance that you reprogrammed a sentient being, my good bitch.

Anyway, Swerve’s in a fucking mood because his shoulder hurts, someone’s stealing his shit, and Megatron has joined the narrative. Over at a nearby table, Skids, Nautica, and Riptide take a gander at the tabloids. Trailcutter, who is positively smashed, to the point where he’s just leaking booze out of his face like it’s his job, isn’t terribly interested in that, however.

What an astute observation, Riptide. And people say you’re stupid!

Trailcutter wants to drink some more, because it’s very likely he’s got a problem, but the mention of “Megatron’s super fuel” makes him feel like it’s time to stop hounding Swerve and start performing crimes.

Back during the trial, we get to Starscream’s testimony. He’s wearing his crown. He’s acting like a self-righteous asshole, as he defends Megatron.

Well, “defend” in the technical, legal sense, I suppose.

But really it’s more about him insulting Megatron’s intelligence, strength, and courage, in front of a LOT of people, while also trying to make himself look better in the war crime department. Megatron doesn’t appreciate this very much, if his murder-face is anything to go by.

Megatron lets Ultra Magnus (his defender, if you’ll recall) know that he wants a private word, and court goes into a brief recess.

Back in the present, Nightbeat’s busy looking at a pin-up of Rung’s alt-mode, when someone knocks on his door. That someone is Chromedome, who’s trying to solve the mystery of The Missing Declaration of Love. Not that he says that specifically out loud.

You two were married, why- okay. No point in yelling at this digital copy of a comic book.

Anyway.

So, the whole screaming thing only happened the one time, and everything was back to normal on subsequent plays of Rewind’s message. Nightbeat seems to be leaning towards the depressive isolating getting to Chromedome, which Chromedome responds to by telling him to get the fuck out. Alas, someone’s blocking the door!

YO WHAT THE FUCK-

Back with Trailcutter’s subplot, our drunken friend is in the middle of breaking into the Medibay. Our trio of cool-colored pals watch him from back at the bar, by way of a laptop that looks like it was built the same year I was born.

As Trailcutter attempts to commit a crime, Megatron, Ultra Magnus, and Ratchet pass by, trying to figure out how to handle the whole coffin situation. Trailcutter’s about to punch the locks off a door, and Nautica decides that this is where she’s going to draw the line today, leaving the gaggle of fools to their shenanigans. Then Tailgate glomps Skids, throwing the computer to the ground and breaking it, as Trailcutter finds the door to the Medibay magically open.

If you don’t know what glomping is, there’s a 60% chance that you’re not old enough to vote in the US.

Trailcutter sneaks into the Medibay, we get a reminder that Ambulon is super dead, and Trailcutter commits theft from a food bank. What a guy.

This is the point where security shows up, armed with a great deal of guns, one of which is Megatron himself. Trailcutter, instead of feeling super powerful, actually feels positively awful after consuming Megatron’s rations of “super fuel”. Because he, as an Autobot, doesn’t want to be within 50 yards of Megatron, Trailcutter breaks out the forcefields the moment the guy approaches him. And oh, what a doozy this one is.

Trailcutter’s gotten himself a fancy new trick- this forcefield he’s broken out lasts for a solid half-hour, and he can’t turn it off. I’m sure that won’t bite him in the ass at any point in the near future, no-siree!

Back in the past, Rattrap is commending Starscream on playing the field and getting the public slightly more on his side, but Starscream’s too busy patting himself on the back to really pay attention. He knew damn well that Megatron wouldn’t like what he had to say on the stand, and now things are finally looking up for ol’ Screamer.

Over with Optimus Prime, Slamdance is showing off how the general public is really into this whole “folks being held accountable for their actions” thing.

In the present, Chromedome and Nightbeat seem to have remembered they have alt-modes and are driving down the hall back to Nightbeat’s room- wonder what the speed limit for the Lost Light is?- and discuss just what the hell happened. The current theory is that the Rewind they saw was a Data Ghost- a collection of information so dense, it had a not-quite-physical presence that wasn’t 100% removed when he died.

Which is a little fucked up, but let’s see where this goes.

Nightbeat undoes the 40,000 locks on his door while Chromedome bleeds guilt all over the shag carpet over the fact that he hasn’t been looking for Dominus Ambus like he said he would.

C’mon James, gimme that Chromedominus endgame.

Nightbeat finally opens the door to find a small problem.

Hm. That’s… not normal.

Over in the Medibay, Trailcutter’s bubble has burst, allowing Megatron to slap him in the back of the head. This head-slapping induces his FIM chip permanently, making it so that he can never get drunk again.

Weird party trick, Megatron. Kinda shitty, really.

Megatron then gives Trailcutter the job of director of security, because he needs direction in his life. Trailcutter just sort of takes what he’s given, because I suppose you can’t really argue with a guy who can literally slap you sober, and also threatens to destroy you if you fuck up even once. Nice, Megs. Nice.

MEGATRON THAT’S BEEN SITTING LIKE THAT FOR OVER HALF AN HOUR YOU FUCKING WET NOODLE

So, since there’s mystery juice all over the floor and no one’s died, Megatron assumes that the coffin ought to be fine to crack open.

Please note that Megatron is not a medical professional, and his views are now peer reviewed by medical professionals. Megatron is in no way endorsed by the WHO.

Anyway, Rodimus is in there.

Pretty fucked up.

Back in the past, recess is over, and Ultra Magnus comes bearing bad news- Megatron wants to change his plea to “innocent.” This gets about the reaction one would expect from just about anyone.

Well, except Rodimus, who’s too busy reading that list that he wanted destroyed. He’s very sad about it.

I know, what a bummer!

[jimlingss]

mayhaps a friends to lovers jungkook fic where they’re total opposites and mayhaps some mutual pining? hakjdkf I hate how when requests are open I can never think of exactly what I wanna say lol 😩

Anonymous said: Request: “Don’t hate me ‘cause I’m beautiful.” “No. I hate you because you’re a bitch.”

smolchimchimhandz said: one of those “:0 sharing one bed!!!!!” fics but tae has a dream about a hamburger and bites the reader in his sleep

Anonymous said: I have a request! I always wanted to read a Nana( the anime/manga) inspired Au (If you haven’t seen it that’s okay) except I want the oc to be the punk rock badass girl who loves to sing and doesn’t take shit from anybody. Anyway I love your writing! I hope you continue to love what you do ❤️❤️

↳ Die for You

2k words || 96% Fluff, 3% Smut, 1% Angst || Jeon Jungkook || Band!AU

He was a decent lay.

As decent as he could get with that handsome face of his and blessed package — but those things he was lucky enough to be born with. As far as actual skill goes, you had to do all the work. At least you could look at his face while you got yourself off. You weren’t too mad.

But the last straw is when you’re suddenly awoken in the early morning with his teeth sunk into your shoulder. What the f— “What the fuck!”

You slap his head, kick him as hard as you can in his abdomen and he wheezes, shoved off to the ground and shocked awake. The blonde man drags the soiled sheets with him as he falls. And then he blinks away his sleepiness, utterly confused while he scratches his scalp.

��You bit me!”

“Wh—…Oh. Sorry,” Tae…Tae-something, smiles sheepishly. You don’t remember his name. “I was having a dream about eating a hamburger.”

Was this guy serious?

“Are you serious?” You eye him in horror, wondering if his last two brain cells evaporated in the middle of the night. Taekwon grins and he shrugs. You’re wholly unimpressed, hitching your thumb to the door. “Get out.”

//

“You look like you had a rough night,” Hoseok comments, grinning once you enter the dressing room. You drop your guitar case with a sigh, flopping down onto the armchair and propping your feet up on the vanity.

As fun as it is to chase after fame and perform on stages across the country as a band, there came hardships and exhaustion — sometimes even outweighing the benefits. But Hoseok helps to keep the morale going, even in his playing. He has a knack for bringing more colour into the songs with his drumming skills.

It’s not to say that Yoongi’s composing is bleak and dark, but it’s bleak and dark. He’s the primary composer of the group, a keyboardist, and you sing what he gives you. Most of the time, it’s about agony and heartbreak — but you enjoy vocalizing his anger to the audience. His passion and rage is always tangible and similar to that of your own.

When you don’t see him in the room, you assume he’s off somewhere smoking a cigarette. It seems to be Yoongi’s routine before a show. Jungkook, on the other hand, is scrolling through his phone quietly. It doesn’t look like he’s warmed up with his bass for once. That thing is usually glued by his side.

“It wasn’t pleasant, I’ll give you that.”

Hoseok smirks. “Was Mr. Handsome not good? What was his name again?”

“Taemin, Taeyin, something like that.” You motion lazily and Hoseok laughs. “He bit me.”

“Kinky.”

“In the middle of my sleep. Woke me the fuck up. Said something about how he was dreaming of eating something.”

Hoseok bursts out laughing with tears in his eyes. It only pours more salt in your wounds with how he bends over, clutching your stomach, relishing in your disgust. He laughs for a full minute, stopping before exploding into even more laughter. A small part of you hopes he gets a heart attack from it and dies. “What did you do?”

“Kicked him to the curb.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t sleep with fans,” Jungkook pipes up, eyes flickering up from his screen, self-inviting himself into the conversation.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have a stick stuck up your ass.” Your mouth curls. “But you probably get off on it, don’t you, Jeon?”

Hoseok grins at the banter, borderlining argument. But this isn’t a rarity. “Guys, guys, don’t fight. It’s bad for the team environment. Try not to kill each other while I go grab Yoongi, please.”

It’s no secret you and Jungkook don’t exactly get along. You’re neutral at best to one another, trying to be civil on most days. But you’re just not compatible together. How can you be when he’s a righteous bastard who thinks he’s better than the rest of the band. You also can’t understand why he’s so strict and disciplined just to self-suffer. He’s rigid too, not at all spontaneous like you are.

It’s surprising a boring man like him would want a job like this that includes glitz and glam, attention and the spotlight.

“Did you listen to that recording I sent?”

“Nope.” You pop the ‘p’ with your lips, grabbing your electric guitar out of your case to begin warming up as Hoseok leaves to find Yoongi before all of you are late on stage again. “I was busy fucking myself on that Taejoon guy, remember?”

“When are you planning to listen to it?”

“I don’t know. When I have time.” You shrug, plucking some simple strumming patterns. Jungkook pockets his phone, jaw clenched and an annoyed look etches on his face, one you know well. Sometimes it’s good to get him riled up. It sets the mood for the angrier songs.

“Yoongi and Hoseok already heard it.”

“If Yoongi thinks it’s good, then it’s good,” you mutter. It’s as simple as that. Yoongi is the one who writes the songs. Sometimes Hoseok might help with coming up with the lyrics, but you don’t know why Jungkook is trying to write music too these days. 

You’ve only written one song. But you don’t perform that one. 

The silence is suddenly broken by Jungkook’s cold laugh. Your eyes flicker up to him, brow cocked, wondering if he finally lost it. “What?”

He’s condescending. “You seriously don’t care, do you?” 

“I don’t need to prove anything to you,” you say shortly, looking away. “You’re not the only one who’s serious about music here, Jeon.”

“Really?” he questions. “Because it sure seems you’d rather get your pussy wet.”

“Can you not be so anal about what I do in my spare time?” You put down your guitar, unable to focus. “Last I checked, I got away from that bitch mother of mine.”

“I care if you’re neglecting your duties.”

Your mouth twists into a smile, and you loll your head to one side. “ Are you sure it’s not because you’re jealous?”

Jungkook scoffs. “Your ego is incomparable.”

“You hate me because I’m beautiful.”

“No, I hate you because you’re a bitch.”

“But you like it.” You lean towards him, elbow propped up on your knee, cheek rested in your hand. You stare and bat your lashes in an exaggerated manner. “You have a hard on for it, Jeon. You don’t need to keep it a secret. I see the way you look at me.”

“You shouldn’t project your own desires onto other people,” he says, challenging you. But Jungkook still diverts his vision elsewhere. And you see right through him.

“I mean I’ve thought about it.” You shrug, having no reason not to be honest. “I’ve thought about everyone in our group, including you.”

More than anything, you want Jungkook to admit it. So you coax him, getting to your feet, moving to hover above him, cornering him in. You lick your lips slowly. “I’m sure you have too, Jeon. You want me to suck your cock, right? Backstage, like I’ve done for our fans numerous times. You’ve seen me on my knees before.”

“You’re cocky because you’ve never been fucked well before. Everyone’s been so subpar that you think you’re the best. It’s a bit sad actually,” he says it like it’s a fact, unfazed by your attempts of seduction.

But you wonder if that’s a proposition. If he’s suggesting something else, and you try not to show your surprise too much. “Oh?”

Air rushes out of his nose. He smiles, the corners of his mouth curling. Somehow, arrogance is a good look on Jungkook — it makes you want to fuck him right now, right here, just to shut him up. “Too bad your personality is too ugly for me to waste my time on you.”

You’re taken aback by insult, standing straight with your arms crossed. He gets to his own feet, shuffling his belongings and opening his bass case. “You’re all talk and no action, Jeon.”

His voice drips of sarcasm. “Yeah, and that’s how I was able to hold onto a girlfriend for three years.” 

You roll your tongue in your cheek. “Are you slut-shaming me or are you saying I could never do long-term?”

Jungkook smirks. He leans down to match your height, connecting your eyes together. Your faces are an inch away from one another. “I’m saying that you’re all talk and no action. You might be able to get people into your bed, but that doesn’t mean you can get them to stay and actually like you beyond a superficial level.”

You scoff, tipping your head. Your eyes flicker down to his mouth and that cute mole dotting below it. You swallow hard. “Really? That’s hypocritical of you, Jeon. I know you’re soft for me. Hoseok told me you were writing a love song. That’s not like you. Where’s the teenage angst about anger and death?”

“You’re such an annoying brat, you know that?”

His hand comes up to hold your jaw in place, but he isn’t rough. It’s a tender touch that you could easily shake off — but you don’t. Your lashes flutter and you catch him staring at your own lips. You lick them just to tease and his Adam’s apple bobs in his throat.

“So you admit it?” You throw your arms around his shoulders, pushing him even closer to you until you can feel his hot breath against your skin. “You’re in love with me, aren’t you, Jeon?”

“You’ll have to figure that out for yourself when you sing my love song on stage.”

It’s intoxicating. You both lean closer to one another, no one giving in just yet, struggling to stay afloat. Jungkook whispers, his voice husky, “You’re missing out on what could be the best lay of your life.”

“Then show me.”

You lose. You give into the sexual tension that’s electrifying, practically tangible in the air. And the consequences are absolutely gratifying. You kiss him with a vigor and hastiness of being kept on edge, of long anticipation.

The pad of his fingers presses against your jaw in a silent command. Immediately, you open your mouth for him and his hot tongue intrudes, rendering you breathless. It’s overwhelming with his unforgiving force. Jungkook kisses you like he’s hungry for it, like he’s out to prove a point. You don’t know that his eyes are slightly open, taking in your pleasured expression.

You damn yourself when he draws a desperate, pathetic whimper out of you. When he smirks against your mouth. Someone with as much experience as you do shouldn’t be so flustered.

But the fucker knows what he’s doing. He’s making you hot and bothered, smearing your lipstick shamelessly. He’s more aggressive than you thought was possible. You make an attempt to try to regain control, pushing up against him, rolling your hips. But he grabs a hold of your waist.

Suddenly, Jungkook bites down on your lips. His teeth sink into the soft flesh.

You draw back with a hiss. “Ow! What was that for?”

You’re caught off guard, mouth swollen, eyes watery.

“I know you, Y/N.” Jungkook smirks, running a hand through his long black locks. He grabs his bass as normal. As if the kiss didn’t even begin to affect him. “It’s not fun for you anymore when you get what you want.”

You blink several times and when he notices your dazed expression, he barks, “Get yourself together! We have a performance!”

Jungkook leaves you with weakened knees.

It’s only then that you begin to realize just how severely you underestimate him. 

You were so fucked.

[96percentdone]

Welcome to Hope’s Peak Academy

So @jaedeite and I ages ago invented this au. Called “clusterfuck au.” because the main ship is a polyamorous clusterfuck. and it involves the higurashi cast also existing in a dangan ronpa setting. like. a modified pre-despair setting, with v3 kids, and less stupid bullshit. 

AND. Well. I wrote some of it. Happy shitscram bitches

Shuuichi’s summer break has been extremely quiet, or so he would like to say. Ever since he solved that gruesome murder three months ago, the press has been hounding his uncle’s detective office, and even his home. He hasn’t even tried going out this summer, preferring to stay in his small room at his uncles’ house. The world at large too desperately wants to plaster his face on the papers.

It was an accident anyway. A mistake. Really, anyone could have noticed that detail about the knife. How the state of the body didn’t match with the apparent murder weapon. It was obvious, wasn’t it? It really could only have been that man!

Dark eyes with the cold fury of a man thwarted flash through his mind. That glare, that hateful, self-righteous glare; he thinks they’re punishment enough for his sin of solving it.

It was an accident. A mistake. Nobody should have solved that case. Justice was already won before Shuuichi had ever arrived, when that man was sent right to hell. He should have just left it be. Let that broken, damaged family recover without his meddling.

Should he have? Is that what justice is? Letting murderers go free? Letting those who have been brutalized get their retribution, their safety, through any necessary means? He never wanted to answer these questions. He just wanted to solve mysteries. I should have stuck to puzzles and books. 

There’s a knock on his bedroom door, and Shuuichi looks up from his empty desk. “Shuuichi-kun!,” The older, raspier voice of his uncle calls out from beyond the door. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, go ahead.” 

Uncle Yuujirou walks up to Shuuichi’s desk, and hands him an elegant, but simple, white envelope. Oh no, is it some ridiculous interview request? He thought for sure he told him he’s not interested in any of this kind of stuff. Uncle Yuujirou just laughs, with a knowing look on that gently wrinkled face. “I went through today’s mail. I threw most of it out, but I think this one will interest you.”

Shuuichi takes the envelope in his hands, examining it in the careful and precise way he does evidence. It’s not particularly special, other than the black and white stamp. The one that Hope’s Peak Academy uses when it scouts out the talented. Oh no.

***

The letter in Rena’s hand is icky. That’s the only way she could ever describe it. Crisp and white, and yet somehow it sticks to her, gluing itself to her thoughts for months. It sticks and clings like dough when you first try to knead it. The letter reads with elegant, precise letters:

You’ve been invited to attend Hope’s Peak Academy as the Super High School Level Stage Actress. 

“I’m not going,” Rena says, dropping the letter on the kitchen table with disgust. That’s her final answer. Act? Again? No, she quit that. She hasn’t acted in a year, why would she go back now? To the lights, the crowds, back to Shuukyo city. No thanks. She’ll stay right here in Ibaraki.

“Reina—” her father pleads, stumbling out of his chair. He should have expected this. That name has never felt ickier. 

“No! I said I’m never acting again! I refuse!” She can feel herself shaking, hands clenched into trembling fists. She never wanted to be like this again, not in front of her dad, not in front of anyone, not at all. I’m not going. I’m not going I’m not going I’m not going. 

Echoing in the back of her mind is an elegant voice, a laugh, a ‘congratulations, you did so well Reina-chan! We’re so proud of you!’ Unbidden tears build up. Rena refuses to cry, grinding her teeth with all the force in the world.

Gentle hands grab her tense shoulders. “Reina,” her father says in a gentle voice. She doesn’t look up at him. She’s not sure if she doesn’t want to see his face, or if she doesn’t want him to see hers. “You don’t have to act.”

Don’t have to act? You told me you wanted me to go! How can she go to Hope’s Peak Academy and not act? That’s why they wanted her, isn’t it? What is Dad talking about? He’s not making any sense.

“If you really don’t want to go, that’s okay,” he continues with a sigh. Rena can imagine the look on his face. “I don’t want to make you do anything if you really don’t want to. But this is the best education you could ever get. Even if you never act again, you could take this diploma and do anything you want.”

“But they want me for acting!” It’s a pitiful rebuttal. One she knows that won’t last.

“They can’t force you to act, Reina.” He doesn’t elaborate further, but he doesn’t have to. Rena knows it’s true. Hope’s Peak Academy is a high school, not an acting program. They might have a drama club, and even facilities for grand performances, but they can’t force her back on stage. Even if they needle and whine and beg.

She sighs, taking a deep breath. “Okay.” This isn’t like her. Rena is supposed to be cheerful now. What would make her cheerful? “Maybe Rena will learn to become a detective instead! Hau!” Yeah, that sounds fun. Hope’s Peak will find her in their forensics lab. She’s always liked a good mystery.

***

“So, you’re going back to campus tomorrow right Sis?” The familiar voice of her sister asks, slightly muffled in the way all phone calls are. 

“Ahaha, yeah,” Mion replies, placing the last of her controllers in the box. That’s all that she has left for packing. Good! I’m done! And with that she flops back on her fluffy twin sized bed, in her now emptier bedroom. “It’ll be fun to start the club back up again.”

“You mean your club with only two members?” Shion teases, and Mion’s cheeks burn.

“Rika-chan and Satoko show up too!” Sometimes. It’s hard, given that they’re elementary schoolers, and live on a different part of campus. So usually, it’s just two of them. Is that kind of a date…? No, don’t think about that!

Except Shion can smell embarrassment, even from the district next door. “Bet that works out in your favor too, hm? You two can get some alone time. When are you going to make a move, sis?”

“AAGHH, Stupid Shion, shut up!!” Mion groans, kicking the bed sheets as she buries her face in a pillow. It was a mistake for the conversation to go this direction. But as Shion continues to rib her, her mind drifts somewhere else.

They met in the cafeteria. She hadn’t ever seen him before, probably because he wasn’t enrolled in the same course as her. He looked absolutely miserable, staring blankly at the bento he was barely eating. It’s far from Mion to ignore someone in pain, so naturally. ‘Hey, do you want to play a game?’

Those eyes looked confused. ‘Sonozaki Mion…’ He said slowly, as if he was surprised she was talking to him. Didn’t stop her from taking a seat next to him. His eyes got a little brighter at that.

 “We’re just friends,” Mion finally says, in a huff from all the teasing. It took her weeks to convince him to actually play a game with her, never mind join her club, but they’re definitely friends now. She’s happy like that. He looks a bit happier than he used to. He smiles more during club meetings. Mion thinks he looks nice like that. Stupid Mion, change the subject! “Anyway, we’re going tomorrow morning, do you want to come with?”

One more night and she’s back to school again. She’s looking forward to it. 

***

“Yeah, and then have Demon Granny kick my ass for going near Hope’s Peak, no thanks!” Shion says. If I see Grandma never again it would be too soon! Mion laughs. 

“You say that like you haven’t been there before.” 

At this Shion snickers. It’s true that sometimes, “Mion” is her. It’s pretty fun to sneak around campus, meet some of Mion’s friends. But that won’t work here, and besides, “Unfortunately for you, I’m actually busy.”

“Is it the mystery guy that doesn’t talk much?” Ah, him. Shion’s new friend. The one she hasn’t told Mion much about. A twinge of guilt pierces her heart.

“Yeah, that’s him. He’s moving with me tomorrow.” Was that too much to tell her?

“He’s WHAT?” Yeah, it might have been too much. She rolls over on her messy bed and internally groans.

“Well, he can barely take care of himself, even with the jobs he has. The other day we went to the supermarket again, and he still hasn’t learned to get things in bulk—”

“Did mom okay this?”

“I didn’t ask. I told Kasai, and we’re moving him into the empty apartment next door.” It’s the kind of thing you can get away with when your family owns the building. 

“Mmn…” Mion’s frown is quite audible. She can tell her sister wants to ask questions, but doesn’t know how to. Maybe she’s scared to. There’s an intangible wall between the Sonozaki sisters. That’s not a bad thing, is it? What can she even tell her anyway? It’s not like she knows all that much. This is fine. “That makes sense. Try not to burden Kasai-san too much, okay?”

“You worry too much!” Shion takes a glance at the time. Crap, I’m late! “Anyway I have to go! I said I’d help him clean up his old place!”

“Wait, Shion—” But it’s too late, and Shion hangs up. 

Muu-kun: where are you?

Muu-kun : hello?

Muu-kun: muu….i’m getting worried…

Shion: sorry, sorry! I’m on my way~!

***

All finished! Satoko’s dorm room looks mostly the same, just fuller now. Jackets hang in closets, shoes rest by the door, and there’s a few scattered tools, books, and electronics across the desk and bed. It could probably be neater, but she doesn’t see the point, since she’s just going to make the mess again anyway. 

“We’ll be on our way now, Satoko,” says the soft voice of her mother, standing by the sofa and observing the room. Behind her towards the door is Houjou-san—dad. Yeah. He’s dad now, remember? Satoko finds herself frowning, unwanted. “Satoko?” Her mother asks, concern pooled in caramel eyes. There’s the unsaid question: ‘Are you missing your brother again?’ 

“Of course, I am just fine! Ohohoho!” Satoko laughs, regal and fake. It doesn’t bother her at all that he’s missing. That he was here for this last year, and then ran off the next day. It doesn’t bother her that instead of him, there’s only Houjou-san. No, Dad. “I was simply wondering if Rika will be here soon.”

“I’m sure she’ll be here soon,” Houjou-san says with a smile. He always looks happy. He’s not burdened at all by Satoko. Satoko alone is struggling to define what family means to her. No I’m not! Houjou-san is my father! It’s fine. All parental relationships are awkward.

She hugs her mom a bit too tight, and awkwardly side hugs Houjou-san, and then they’re on their way, leaving Satoko alone in her dorm room. Before she gets stuck in her thoughts, she pulls her phone out of her pocket. Hopefully she’s not busy…

***

With a smile plastered on her face, Rika swings higher, higher, on the swingset of the park set. One day she’ll find a way to fly, so high, and finally touch one of those cotton clouds. Push higher—it’s liberating.

 “CUT!” a loud voice yells from outside the filming area. “Take a break! We’ll be back in 20.” Finally. Rika’s smile drops. Or rather, it doesn’t. It just switches to the well-worn form belonging to child actress darling, Furude Rika. 

As she goes over to her bag, The director comes over, praising her for her flawless work like always, blah blah, she’s not really listening. Just smiling and nodding. “Mii. Thank you very much, Akito.” Rika thinks she’s the only one in the world who can get away with this disrespect. 

He leaves, and she ruffles through her stuff until she finds her cellphone, the notification light blinking. It’s always blinking on her phone. Unlock, scroll, god she wishes she could block all these people. So many directors, and managers, and costume people, and agents, and her mother (ugh), is there anything here that’s interesting?

Satokoヾ(○･ω･)ﾉ☆: Have you arrived yet?

Oh yeah. Today is moving back in day, isn’t it, even for the elementary schoolers. She forgot amidst her overpacked schedule. A quick glance back to her crowded calendar and yep, she’s set to finally go and settle back at the dorm in about…six hours. “That’s too long,” she mutters. 

“Akito?” Rika asks, waddling up to the director, who’s busy pouring over a bit of script. “I have to leave early today,” she says, looking down. It’s not like they really need her here. Rika does perfect takes on the first go most of the time. She expects to get irritated texts from her mother, but who cares. It wouldn’t be the first or the last time.

“Ah, today is move in day isn’t it? Of course. You’re not really needed for the rest of the work today anyway,” he says, going into detail about the schedule, and blah blah, Rika doesn’t care. She’s out the door. 

Her mom won’t be happy to see her learn she’s leaving early, but it doesn’t matter. Satoko is waiting.

***

As the math teacher for class 2-BR lectures on and on about polynomials, Hajime wonders why exactly he’s even here. Head propped up in one hand, he glances out the window with a sigh, gazing at the athletics fields beneath him. Below there’s a class for the SHSLs, playing baseball and goofing off together. They look like they’re having fun. Certainly more fun than Hajime is having at this lecture.

His gym classes are not as fun. Maybe they’re not as fun because he doesn’t have anyone to goof off with. He’s friendly with his classmates, but they’re not friends. He doesn’t get what they’re all so excited about. They’re just reserve course kids. They’ll only ever be second best. Just like he is. Why did I enroll here again…?

It’d be easier if just being here made him happy, like it does everyone else in his class. But he’s not happy. Walking through the halls of the large building, with classrooms split between Ts and Rs depending on the course you’re enrolled in, and he’s left feeling misplaced. Lost. We reserve course kids are just here to foot the bills…

His phone buzzes from his front pocket. A thousand yen says it’s Sonozaki. Carefully, although the teacher never notices anyway, he pulls it out and checks his messages.

Sonozaki: club is in session today! o((*^▽^*))o don’t forget. 

Sonozaki: first day back is not a day off

Sonozaki: if you skip out I will hunt you down so don’t try anything (｡+･`ω･´)

Hajime snorts quietly and pockets his phone again. Maybe it’s not that terrible.

***

It’s impressive how empty the halls of the main building of Hope’s Peak Academy can get as soon as classes let out, Kokichi thinks. It’s only the first day, and yet all the excitement of being here at this school, is already zapped after a single day. Well, I guess it wouldn’t be all that exciting for returning students, and he doesn’t think clubs are operating just yet, but it’s still a little unexpected. 

He watches as the remaining stragglers in the hall run off to the library, or even to their dorms with disinterest. It doesn’t matter all that much what they’re doing, anyway. He’s not out patrolling the halls for them, but to get a lay of the land. This is his new stomping grounds. It’s a pretty big campus, so he has to get used to it fast if he wants to make the most of it. 

But it’s still kind of boring. In this quiet building, with its mostly empty halls. If the rest of his cohort were here, it’d be one thing, but there’s no one. Not even someone to antagonize. How boring. He hopes his whole HPA experience won’t be like this. It’s a school for the best and brightest. Surely something interesting has to come along.

Well, I guess for today we’ll bother the people in my dorm! He cracks a grin at that. There’s so many new faces to piss off! Surely at least one of them is exciting.

***

Nobody stands near Nagito as he peruses the many shelves of the library. They scurry away as soon as he’s within 10 feet of them to some other place he can’t see them. He’s used to it. The group of reserve course students who almost lost all their bags in an accidental fire started calling him HPA’s Bad Luck Charm, and it’s spread around the school. He did apologize for that (he swears he was just trying to return that Bunsen burner), but it didn’t make a difference. Oh well. That’s okay. Nagito is used to time alone.

The people in his class tend to stay clear of him, too. Well, Sonozaki-san (as the class president) and a few others are nice, and friendly towards him, but that’s about it. He can’t really burden people as talented as them with his presence. They’re all so bright, shining, hopeful. They’re destined for great things. It’s unfitting for him to be their compatriot. 

Another reserve course student skitters away from him as Nagito starts taking out a new book. He thinks he’d be better suited among their ranks. They’re just as audacious as he is to think they belong here.

When the book comes out, the entire bookcase falls over, causing a domino effect. Nagito starts laughing to himself.

***

The conference room with the steering committee is always really dark. Jin never understood why they do that. Even if everything you need to look at is on a screen, a light is still nice. But whatever.

“We’re no longer postponing the Hope Cultivation plan,” speaks one of the men. 

The announcement sends Jin into a panic. “But, the results of the modified project are still unclear. You could be putting one of the students in real danger—”

“Need we remind you that you were the one who insisted we change the operation.” That was because your original plan was inhumane and ill thought-out. But the steering committee doesn’t care about the ethics of it. The reserve course is just money and guinea pigs to them. “We’ve lost a lot of time because of your efforts. We cannot wait any longer,” the committee continues. 

Damn! Jin needs more time! The investigation into the committee is still underway. It’s going so slow because if they catch on to him, he’s fired, and then who knows what they’ll do to this school. Does he tell Munakata to pick up the pace? Is that a safe play? He doesn’t know. He can’t know. 

“Start searching the reserve course for a test subject. And make it quick.”

The clock is ticking. 

***

The alleyways of Shuukyo city, clean but still covered in graffiti, are always empty at this time of night. It’s too early for the delinquents groups, but it’s just too late for anyone else to spend time in an alley. Keiichi is alone, crouched near some trash cans. They smell really bad, and flies gleefully buzz around them, but despite this he stays right here, tucked out of sight from the kids and people wandering the streets. He has to. It ends before it begins otherwise.

There’s a heavy weight sitting in his arms, made much heavier by the weight of soon-to-be sins. He can still back out. He hasn’t done anything yet. If he went home, right now, it would be like nothing ever happened. He doesn’t have to do this. But he wants to. Or, he deserves to. Or, the pain has to go somewhere. Somewhere that isn’t him. 

So he thinks, deliberating on the pain that has yet to be inflicted, staring down at the BB gun in his hands, aiming at no one, when suddenly—

“Y’know, that’s a really bad prank,” an unfamiliar voice says. Startled, Keiichi drops the BB gun, and it clatters to the floor. In the darkness of the alleyway, he can see the hints of a new silhouette, but he can’t make the stranger out. When did they get here? “There’s a lot more interesting things you can be doing other than that.”

Keiichi says nothing. He’s frozen in place. He’s caught, but he won’t be caught if he just goes home, leaves it here. The stranger can’t see much more of him than he can of them. He’s at no risk, right? Hell, maybe he can shoot them first.

“Do you think you’re special?”

Hah? What kind of question is that?

“Well don’t look so surprised. Only a narc would feel entitled to pelt people with a BB gun.” The stranger laughs at his expense. “Are you a narc?” 

Keiichi still can’t move, can’t speak, but his anger is starting to boil over. What does this person know? They don’t know him! They don’t know his pain, or his struggle! He’s not a narcissist. He’s not! He’s not, right? He’s…not. I’m just—

“Tag, you’re it!” The stranger swipes the gun off the concrete and bolts down the nearby street. 

Before he’s able to think, he’s chasing, following a dark blurry silhouette as they run all across the district. He needs it back. He needs it back, right? What else can he use to take out his anger? But his plan is out the window now. Sure, he could go back to blasting cans, but that’s not enough. That’s what this was for, right? He needs it back! He needs it back. 

He runs and runs and runs. The streets all blur together in his mind, with the only thing in his sights being that stranger with his BB gun. But why does he need it back? Was this ever worth it? Do I even want to do this? Is this going to make me happy? He needs it back. He needs it back!

He doesn’t even know how long he’s been running for. Minutes? Hours? He just has to keep running. He has to get it back. Even if he doesn’t think he wants it anymore. Even if he doesn’t know what he wants.

The stranger hops over a closed gate with the gun, and vanishes. Where am I….? It takes Keiichi a minute, through his heaving and panting, to register the tall, regal brick entryway, and the looming school behind it. Hope’s Peak Academy…? Did he really run that far? He collapses against the brick wall. Guess so. 

As he recuperates, he thinks. How do I get that back? He doesn’t go here. He’s enrolled in specialized schools, and being in the reserve course didn’t seem appealing. But he wants it back. Or. Or maybe he wants something else. 

Maybe there are other ways to be happy.

[artificialqueens]

Follow Ev'ry Rainbow ('Til You Find Your Dream), Chapter 5: Climb Ev'ry Mountain (branjie) - writworm42

A/N: Last chapter, Vanessa was scolded for her performance as a postulant and learned that she might not pass to the next stage of becoming a nun. This chapter, Vanessa sees a familiar face, and then is given an important choice.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE WITH THIS CHAPTER, guys!!!! I hope y'all enjoy it. I can’t promise updates will come faster–I still have Come Hell or Full Circle and the librarian con fic, plus a few other prompts–but I hope it’s worth it!!

Thank you 3000 to Holtz for beta-ing, and to her gf (hi) for encouraging me and assuring me that people haven’t forgotten about this fic and want to see it updated. YOU ARE TRULY THE BEST! <3 <3 <3

Three days had passed since Vanessa’s meeting with Mother Nina, and things settled into some semblance of peace again. Classes resumed as usual, Masses were attended, chores were completed and prayers were whispered into the quiet of the convent’s chapel. No one talked about Vanessa’s latest mishap, or mentioned that postulant reviews were coming up.

But that didn’t mean that Vanessa had stopped thinking about it. On the contrary, it was almost as if Vanessa’s mind was overtaken by catastrophic thoughts; about whether her prayers were enough, whether she would pass, whether becoming a model citizen-nun would be enough at this point. The possibility of failure seemed to wait for Vanessa at every corner, and every single move she made felt dangerous, like it would either make or break her career. Still, life went on, and so Vanessa surrendered to the fact that all she could do was go with it.

She was doing just that, walking from the postulant classroom over to the vegetable garden where she’d be doing her afternoon chores, when suddenly, life threw her something new. Something blonde, green-eyed and proper, sitting on the bench outside of Mother Nina’s office.

So maybe this woman wasn’t so new–still, having her in the convent was unexpected, and like almost all unexpected things, Vanessa couldn’t help but gravitate towards her.

“Hey!” Vanessa jogs up to the woman, smiling and waving, but her pace slows when the woman jumps a little, turning to her with confusion in her eyes.

She doesn’t remember me. Vanessa cringes, a sinking feeling of disappointment beginning to weigh down her chest. Of course the woman wouldn’t remember her; it had been three days, and they’d met in a split second, not even introducing themselves. Still, it stung–that split second, the feeling of the woman’s hands on her waist and the look in her eyes, had stuck in Vanessa’s mind for days. Surely, the woman could remember something of Vanessa in turn? “Sorry, um… Do I know you?”

Apparently not.

“Oh, sorry!” Vanessa laughed, “I don’t think we actually introduced ourselves. A few days ago, I almost tripped and fell on the convent grounds–you saved me.” she smiled warmly, excitement blooming in her chest when she saw what just might have been a light switch on in the other woman’s eyes.

“I’m Vanessa.” she continued, extending a hand. “I’m one of the postulants here.”

“Nice to meet you, Vanessa.” the woman smiled, taking Vanessa’s hand in a warm, firm grip. “I’m Brooke Lynn Hytes.”

Brooke Lynn Hytes. It was a pretty name, one that Vanessa repeated in her head as Brooke continued to speak.

“I’m here to see Nina, actually. Um–Mother Nina. She’s just Nina to me.” Brooke laughs nervously, rocking back on her heels a little.

“Oh, you looking to volunteer with us or something?” The thought of working alongside Brooke, handing out pamphlets with her and serving children orphaned by war and petitioning to get legal help for refugees, was exciting, somehow, something she both pictured vividly yet was afraid to, lest the dream not come true.

“I’m just here to see Nina. Just visiting.” Brooke shook her head, and just like that, the fantasies building up in Vanessa’s head deflated again.

Darnit.

Well, at least Brooke was here, and if the sudden embarrassed look painting itself across her face indicated anything, it was for more of a reason than ‘just visiting.’

Gossip was a sin; Vanessa knew that. Nosiness was a sin, Vanessa knew that too. But she also knew that just making conversation, just chatting with someone who she happened to have met before, who she happened to want to get to know better, was alright in God’s books. So what was the harm in asking?

“You a friend of hers or something?”

“Or something.” Brooke shrugged. “We met a long time ago.” Was it just Vanessa, or did Brooke seem stiff when she said it?

“Oh, nice! Before your daughter?” call her petty, but Vanessa couldn’t resist–she wanted to know how old that kid was, judge how unacceptable it had been for her to just stare at her like that. But she realized with a jolt that the question had backfired–Brooke really was stiff now, her whole body becoming rigid and eyes becoming lost for a second before she snapped back to attention.

“We were both much younger then.” Brooke replied tersely between pursed lips, frowning deeply and flushing scarlet.

“Oh.” better not push it; she could tell that Brooke was rapidly becoming upset, and she didn’t want that–not when the woman had been so kind to her before, and certainly not now that Vanessa knew she was friends with Nina. No, that would certainly be a bad career decision. So instead, she excused herself, reasoning that she was late for her gardening duty, anyway.

“Say hi to Mother Nina for me!” she kicked herself inwardly as she tossed the line over her shoulder, cringing when she realized how stupid it sounded. Say hi to Mother Nina. As if she didn’t do that enough every day, even when saying hi meant getting another lecture.

Honestly.

Still, even after an hour of weeding endless tomato plots, she couldn’t help but wonder what exactly Brooke was seeing Nina for, or if she was okay.

–

Another day, another meeting in Nina’s office. Vanessa tried her best to stay gracious, tried her best to be humble and hopeful, but she couldn’t help but have a sinking feeling in her chest as she walked over to Nina’s office. She should have bore it; she should have kept it quiet. She should have refused to let it bother her as she walked through the hallway, racking her brain for what she could possibly have done this time. But she couldn’t, and so her heart continued to sink, like it had for weeks.

The thing was, one’s heart could only ever sink so low before it hit rock bottom. And for Vanessa, that rock bottom was a pit full of anger.

She was doing everything she could. She was doing everything right. The last few days, she’d been a model citizen–she’d participated appropriately in all her lessons, completed her duties so well that even Ra’jah had praised her, although the nun looked like it might kill her to do so. She had prayed diligently, been on time for Mass, and had done it all genuinely. Not just to pass, not just to be noticed or have her efforts praised, but because the last ‘little chat’ she’d had with Nina had lit a fire under her ass.

The way I’ve been acting has been of no use to God. she remembered saying it with a shaking voice, her face burning with shame despite the fact that she had been hidden behind the opaque veneer of a confessional screen. I’m going to change.

She had meant it with all her heart, she really had. And as far as she was concerned, she’d made good on that promise, to a highly effective degree.

So why the fuck wasn’t it paying off?

“God fucking dammit.” she wiped a hot tear away from her eyes, still too frustrated and angry to care about the words that had just come out of her mouth.

Why the fuck didn’t they want her? Why the fuck did they hate her? What possible sin had she committed that she was too stupid to see?

Why couldn’t she do anything right?

No. It wasn’t her fault–it was everyone else. A bunch of stuck-up, self-righteous bitches who thought they knew and served God better than she did. Who hated her and came for her just because she was a little different. Hell, God had never actually said anything about half the things Ra’jah told Vanessa and the other postulants about conduct. So how dare they pretend with such absolute certainty that their opinions were the absolute truth?

Well, she was done being meek and modest. Done taking it lying down. No, this time, she’d give Nina and the others a piece of her mind–

“Vanessa?” Nina peered at Vanessa from her office door, a concerned frown painted on her face, and suddenly, all of Vanessa’s burning anger dried up into embarrassment and shame. “You okay?”

“Yea–Yes, Reverend Mother.” Vanessa breathed out shakily, wiping her eyes and cursing herself for just how wet the corners of her sleeves came back. “I’m fine. Just–just a bit frustrated, I guess.”

“I’m sorry.” Nina’s voice was soft and remorseful, but she said nothing else, only gestured for Vanessa to follow her inside her office.

Vanessa took another deep breath, her heart pounding so hard she thought she might throw up, and stepped through the door.

–

“You want… You want me. To be a nanny.” Vanessa repeated, still not quite believing what she’d just heard. If she’d just heard it; it couldn’t be, that couldn’t have been what Nina had called her in for, it was too out of the blue–

“Yes.” Nina repeated, nodding resolutely. “I want you to be a nanny.”

“So are you like, kicking me out, or–”

“No, no, no.” Nina shook her head, then sighed, dropping her head into her hands. “Look, Vanessa, this isn’t–this isn’t a punishment or a sign that you’ve failed. That’s not why I’m offering you this position.”

Offering. So it wasn’t an order. Granted, Vanessa wasn’t sure that made things any better, but at the very least, it meant that there was a chance she could reject it without being kicked to the curb.

Vanessa breathed out a deep, relieved sigh, any remnant buzz of anger or tension finally filtering out of her body.

“So why me?” It was a fair question–if the offer really was just because Nina thought Vanessa would be the best for the job, then what was it that singled her out for it?

“Because of the nature of your faith.”

Vanessa looked up with surprise, half expecting Nina to take it back, to explain that it wasn’t a good thing. But Nina looked absolutely serious, earnest, even.

“Your faith is unique, Vanessa. The kind of faith we’ve frankly lost here. You see things with childlike eyes, and always want to take on challenges. You still have connections to your roots, and you’re fiercely passionate about it. And that kind of stuff makes you amazing at evangelism and service. You have the kind of faith that’s joyful and worth sharing. The kind that can’t be contained, and that’s a good thing.

“The person looking for a nanny wants someone gentle, kind, and passionate. She wants someone who can teach her kids traditional values while still teaching the values of justice and standing up for yourself. She wants someone who can get through to her kids–they’ve been trouble in the past, don’t respond well to authority keeping them down. So I think it’s best to send someone who won’t expect them to be kept down. Someone who approaches all those values differently. And I think you’re perfect for the job–because you can set a great example for them and get through to them. Heck, you’ve stayed true to yourself and to what you think God wants from you no matter how the sisters here have tried to stamp those qualities out–who better to teach children those same things?

“Look,” Nina softened again, her voice becoming gentle. “I think the greatest injustice the Church does is teaching people that holy vocations are somehow better than everything else. But they’re not. Because we can only do so much–only what the Church tells us we can do. But God–well, God is outside of the Church. God is bigger than the Church. And if anyone can match all that God has to offer outside of what the Church captures, it’s you.”

It took a few moments for Vanessa to process everything that was being said, everything those words truly meant. And when it did finally sink in, she couldn’t help it–tears began to prickle at the corner of her eyes, her chest tight and yet expanding all at once with a feeling she couldn’t quite describe. Pride, and vindication, and the invaluable feeling of finally being seen.

She wasn’t in trouble. She wasn’t inferior. She was enough. More than enough, in fact.

She was exactly what somebody needed.

“So what do you say?” Nina asked, her eyes intent as she watched Vanessa wipe her eyes and take a few deep breaths. “Will you do it?”

Vanessa took another deep breath, her head spinning. Regardless of what had just been said, there was still so much to consider about the decision. What she would tell her friends and family. Whether or not she’d still be a nun. Whether she’d be happy, whether she could come back if she wasn’t. How much training she’d get. Whether she’d be paid a salary or not. Whether she was really equipped to deal with the actual caretaking aspect of a nanny’s job, as opposed to just the role model side of things. And before she could make a true decision, those things needed to be considered.

So she said just that, and negotiations began.

[elizabethrobertajones]

Ok so if all four of them are gonna be in a *cowboy themed* motel in 13x6 they're gonna have to split up 2 and 2 right??? So I'm really gonna need Dean and Cas to share a room and then have a convo that's reverse of the "Talk to me" one in S8 where instead they talk about how they both did feel suicidal but how they've both overcome it. ~For reasons unknown~

That would be great mirroring, and it’s always good to compare the fun episodes where things seem back to normal to 8x08… However… Sorry, but this is a bummer reply, I’m just not good with leaving off things like this :P

I sort of feel though that neither Dean or Cas got to completely overcome things in their respective paths through dark other worlds… Cas said he’d just keep fighting and even if the standing up was an important part, he acknowledged he was going back with a sense of hopelessness that he’d get what he truly wants - and that’s just how it was in the Empty, while it sounds like he may have forgotten the experience so it’s for now a metaphorical state he passed through and we got to see it vocalised and it probably means roughly where he’s up to. But the despair of resolution, the fact need/want has been called out for US to know it’s a major theme but Cas of course hasn’t actually talked face to face with any Winchester, let alone Dean, to resolve need/want, which is the core of his depression, thematically… He’s come back with levelled up determination and a will to live, which is great, but there’s so much work to do before he feels happy even if he DOES remember the Empty. I’ve written ridiculously long things tracking his arc so I’ll just say that this was a great step forwards for him but in no way actually resolving anything. 

For Dean as well, Billie sent him back but it was with the “work to do” order/motivation that’s made Dean and Sam power through a lot of their worst times, and like how in the Empty nothing new was actually said about Cas, it just brought everything up that was troubling him so we’d get a sample of how he feels, that was just repeating the theme for Dean that he started this season on - that at best he’s going to feel like a guy doing his job, because someone more important than him told him he had to and he can’t stop now. 

Billie’s words are the sort of advice he got in season 7 after Cas (and then Bobby) died, from Bobby, Frank and Eliot Ness, all of which was a variation of the same sort of nihilism about doing the job because it’s the job and you’re the one who does it. I’m in most agreement with the meta I’ve seen that Dean didn’t go into that whole mess looking for a reason to die, he just was in that state Bobby described: 

BOBBY:I want to talk about your new party line.

DEAN:Party? What are you talking about? I don’t even vote.

BOBBY:“The world’s a suicide case. We save it, it just steals more pills”?

DEAN:Bobby, I’m here, okay? I’m on the case. What’s the problem?

BOBBY:I’ve seen a lot of hunters live and die. You’re starting to talk like one of the dead ones, Dean.

DEAN:No, I’m talking the way a person talks when they’ve had it, when they can’t figure out why they used to think all this mattered.

I’m picking on this conversation because it’s the most detailed but also because it’s the one Dean has WITH Bobby so in no way shape or form can it be about Dean losing Bobby, except that of course this episode gave Dean and Sam both a private conversation with Bobby about where they were at, so we could have a good last moment with him each, and also to gauge how they’d react to his death (Dean with this massive depression caused by losing Cas and his betrayal to pile on top of) and Bobby’s last advice apply after as well. His advice being:

BOBBY:Come on, now. You tried to hang it up and be a person with Lisa and Ben. And now here you are with a mean old coot and a van full of guns. That ain’t person behavior, son. You’re a hunter, meaning you’re whatever the job you’re doing today. Now, you get a case of the Anne Sextons, something’s gonna come up behind you and rip your fool head off. Now, you find your reasons to get back in the game. I don’t care if it’s love or spite or a ten-dollar bet. I’ve been to enough funerals. I mean it. You die before me, and I’ll kill you.

Cheery. 

But this is essentially what Billie does for Dean. She reads him, sees he wants to die, and he tells her that he doesn’t matter, so she reassures him that he has a job, that he is important, that he’s in this cosmic position of responsibility. It would almost be encouraging, to know you’re not meant to die that day, that there is a reason for you to be alive. But not for Dean in the state he was in then.

Cas coming back is GREAT and of course it’s going to make Dean wildly happy. But he’s been feeling this way about the job a long, long time in ways that aren’t to do with Cas at all but is just his underlying major trauma that you can see coming from a hundred miles off in season 1:

from 2x09:

DEANI’m tired, Sam. I’m tired of this job, this life … this weight on my shoulders, man. I’m tired of it.

[…]

DEANI just think we should take a break from all this. Why do we gotta get stuck with all the responsibility, you know? Why can’t we live life a little bit?

Or this speech from 2x20 I contractually have to quote at least once a month as a card-carrying Dean!girl:

DEAN All of them. Everyone that you saved, everyone Sammy and I saved. They’re all dead. And there’s this woman, that’s haunting me. I don’t know why. I don’t know what the connection is, not yet anyway. It’s like my old life is, is coming after me or something. Like it like it doesn’t want me to be happy. Course I know what you’d say. Well, not the you that played softball but… “So go hunt the Djinn. He put you here, it can put you back. Your happiness for all those people’s lives, no contest. Right?” But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? What about us, huh? What, Mom’s not supposed to live her life, Sammy’s not supposed to get married? Why do we have to sacrifice everything, Dad? It’s… Yeah…

(And, side note, it really annoys me when people make 2x20 about brotherly wuv, platonically or not, because THAT is why Dean decided to go un-wish this life, not because of anything to do with AU Sam, who he still trusted he could find his Sam in >.> I’ll just keep repeating this until I stop stumbling over the idea… :P)

He’s had similar smaller moments like this but season 2, 7 and now 13 are his grief seasons, so I’m most interested in these parallels. Like, just in general. Specifically in season 2 because he was dealing with John’s order to save Sam or kill him, which of course is a dynamic that Jack could horrifyingly repeat for him if Dean gets attached to a kid with the same horrifying destiny. Specifically in season 7 Dean was dealing with losing Cas and it immediately struck him to the core, that even while Cas was still Godstiel he was having mirrors with his season 2 self after losing John:

DEANSounds good. You got any leads on where the demon is? Making heads or tails of any of Dad’s research? Because I sure ain’t. But you know, if we do finally find it - oh. No, wait, like you said. The Colt’s gone. But I’m sure you’ve figured out another way to kill it. We’ve got nothing, Sam. Nothing, okay? So you know the only thing I can do? Is I can work on the car.

[… five years elapse]

SAM: So, what? Try to talk to him again?

DEAN: Sam.

SAM: Dean, all we can do is talk to the guy.

DEAN: He’s not a guy. He’s God. And he’s pissed. And when God gets righteous, you get the hell out of the way; haven’t you read the Bible?

SAM: I guess…

DEAN: Cas is never coming back. He’s lied to us, he used us, he cracked your gourd like it was nothing. No more talk; we have spent enough on him.

SAM: Okay.

DEAN: Hand me that socket wrench.

Dean didn’t lose the car this time, just had Miriam deface it with “Bitch” on the window and the car was washed and shiny in a couple of episodes. But it’s metaphorically a similar process and I guess all they had time for when 13x01 was about taking time in a very different way, by giving Dean like 10 minutes at the end of the episode all about how he was grieving Cas. 

Anyway, I think there’s a lot of thematic overlap in what it means for Dean right now, with Billie’s reminder of his position on the cosmic ladder, to John’s order about Sam, to Dean’s responsibility to deal with Cas and the Leviathans, which eventually crystallises into his mission to kill Dick - and though Dick kills Bobby, finding out who is the head leviathan in 7x09 really just seals the deal of who Dean needs to personally kill to deal with everything, and the Bobby thing was just an extra motivation to fall into a revenge mindset, but it also about what happened with Cas (and when Cas comes back, he has to help kill Dick for the same reason it all happened to him and he was connected to it and responsible). 

We really haven’t seen anything yet, but I think getting Cas back is a temporary fix at least to a bigger issue, which is Dean’s burden of the world, which Chuck lumped on him in 11x23 and made me very, very excited that Dean’s duty to save everyone was hopefully going to get some microscopic treatment and maybe one day some sort of resolution. I don’t think Billie’s comment was a pick me up, and it reminds me of how Cas started picking on Dean on Heaven’s behalf in 4x01 - telling him they had work for him. In 4x02 Dean complains a lot about how he hates being singled out and it’s absolutely horrifying that he was saved for unknown reasons. And those reasons turned out to be being Michael’s vessel and one of the 2 grenade pins needed to be pulled on the planet being destroyed.

(Which we have some handy visuals for and reminders of in the AU world right now :P) 

I’d hope in the long run Chuck’s orders end up being destroyed as much as John’s were, because the parallel is 1 to 1 except bigger scale, and Chuck telling Dean the world has him to protect it literally in God’s own place is an absolutely horrifying unfair burden than broke him in season 5 and can be directly equated to how season 2 broke him when Sam, who was basically his whole world at the time, was lumped on him with the same burden. In the mean time, Billie’s adding to the weight on Dean, although long run she’s neutral, commenting on it rather than ordering, and seems to have some confidence that he has a purpose and will fulfil it, I can see Dean struggling with it in just the same way he took Cas’s comments in 4x01. 

So even if he seems happy to get Cas back, the root problem of his depression, his sense of being worthless, is still truly about how he defines himself as a hunter and the guy who is supposed to save everyone - who will trade himself for a house of random ghosts he feels he LET DOWN by not investigating well enough sooner. Because he has sole responsibility to fix the planet.

The job is killing Dean literally and metaphorically, and the grief of losing all his loved ones as they do it is just an additional awful, awful part of it. Not getting Cas back immediately thanks to Chuck in 13x01 just confirmed how alone Dean is in the world to him, and he directly mentioned the line from 11x23 when reaching out to Chuck… Getting Cas back and Cas returning seemingly on his own steam is going to be a nice turning point, and good for uplifting Dean, but the core problem remains and since 11x23 I’ve been pretty certain that Dean’s endgame is NOT to be a hunter… Billie also now makes me think he has some purpose to fulfil, and ideally, fulfilling it would let him finally get off the cosmic ladder and be who he wants to be without obligation. 

About all I can really speculate about that hopeful endgame would be that Sam seems to be lumped in with Dean on this, but Cas is literally outside the system based on how he got himself back from the Empty without Chuck’s interference, OR except for in thematic “rewards” or dramatic irony from just missing him really hard, Dean didn’t actually bring him back by DOING anything, and Jack, who is also outside the system in some ways, did instead. But that’s all a huge mess right now :P Need more data. 

So anyway, to go back to Dean and Cas next episode? I think they will have a lot to talk about but it has to be immediate character stuff about their actions and desires. They are both really good for each other and going through very similar emotional territory so I hope they get honest and tell each other how they’re doing, but I don’t think they’ll be talking about overcoming anything. I think if it does mirror 8x08 it MAY be a reversal that Dean admits how bad he was doing without Cas, and Cas is still too uncertain about what happened to him or with a link to make it directly about Dean to reciprocate the sentiment… For all the good communication lately I’m not entirely sure if Dean and Cas can absolutely knock down all the walls. 

And I seriously fear dramatic interruptions to their reconciliation just because of the extremely vague episode descriptions we have after 13x06, which seem to  be concealing exactly what happens in that episode… I’m really expecting silly cowboys for like the middle half of the episode, with the first quarter for reconciliation and getting onto the job, and the last quarter or five minutes for shit to completely hit the fan in some way, probably about Jack, and probably involving Cas since he’s specifically not mentioned in the episode descriptions *even though they just got him back*. 

I’m not worried or wanky about this, I’m just bracing myself for the next round of drama and what its subject will be. If Cas is fine and hanging out with the Winchesters still for 2 episodes and it was redacted spoilers for the sake of 13x05′s last 5 minutes that’s awesome :P But it sounds like time to brace yourself not to expect everything to be fluffy or resolved, either with plot stuff, or emotional arcs. We’re only 5 episodes in so the drama needs to keep on happening, and there’s no way Dean and Cas can or should overcome their arcs about their depression when it’s been set up so interestingly, just because they’re hanging out again.

But it WILL make them feel a lot better in the short term. :D I’m really excited for what they WILL say to each other, I just feel like in some ways we’re really starting to put the cart before the horse on identifying what stories are being told and what moments are being offered to tell them, and assuming the stories are over just because something really dramatic happened. I’m seeing it a lot with all sorts of thematic threads, that just because they’re becoming obvious or surface level or have had a really dramatic moment all about them, they’re being wrapped up as we speak. Instead I think it’s got to all be set up for the rest of the season, where this is all important stuff to know, but the real work hasn’t even begun yet :P

[lelou-quotes]

QUIT: Resenting My Job (And All Other Circumstances I Can’t Change)

[Part of my mission to “live deliberately” involves ruthlessly cutting out anything that saps my time, energy or money to no good end.  I’m calling these things my “Quits,” and this is one of the many items that have found themselves on my Quits List.]

It’s no secret that I don’t love my job.  (Let’s be honest, how many people really do?)

That doesn’t mean I don’t show up every day (except Free Fridays, ha-HA!) and work my little tail off.  That doesn’t mean there aren’t many aspects of my job that I enjoy, or at least appreciate (good coworkers, a level of flexibility, a boss that treats me well).  As far as jobs go, it’s not a bad one, and as far as my currently needing a job goes, I’m thankful for it.

But it means nothing to me personally.  It eats up days and months of my life that I long to be using for so many other things.  It takes up my time, my energy, and thoroughly effs up my writing productivity by keeping all my best writing hours from me.  And the whole 9-5 structure goes against every fiber of my anti-establishment, fiercely independent nature.

So.  For all the thankfulness—and as Freakin’ Awesome an effort I try to give every day that I’m there—I resent the living daylights out of every minute I spend at my job, knowing all the while that I could (and should) be spending it elsewhere.

It’s not easy to admit what I’m about to say next (a revolutionary does not part easily with her righteous indignation), but I’m slowly beginning to realize that maybe this attitude isn’t the best way for a Cordelia to approach her circumstances, even the not-so-perfect ones.

Begrudgingly Accepted Truth #1:  Resentment Isn’t Action

I’ve written before about how frustrating it is to be working towards a new life but still have to show up every day for the old one.  Sometimes, having my blog to attend to and an ebook to write and Quits to work on makes the daily 9-5 a little easier to deal with.  Sometimes I find I can laugh off inconveniences and keep up a generally positive attitude because I know that I’m working towards my eventual escape.

But most days, it just plain sucks.  Most days I can’t help but think petulantly about what a waste it is and how unfair it seems and how somehow the Fates ought to be able to grant me an out because they must be able to see how badly I want this change.

This gets me absolutely nowhere.  But I do it anyway, because it feels therapeutic.  It makes me feel like I’m doing something to take a little control back from a situation I can’t escape:

You can ask me to make those copies, but damnit, I’m going to dislike every second of it…

I’ll deal with this crisis, sure, but I’ll be thinking the entire time that I’m meant for something much more important than this…

It’s my own childish, passive-aggressive attempt of flipping off the unavoidable by throwing a shitty attitude at it.  But it does nothing except to make me childish and petty.  It does nothing except turn the unavoidable into the thoroughly shitty.

Begrudgingly Accepted Truth #2:  Resentment Isn’t Constructive

The un-fun reality is, whatever I happen to think of it, I’m stuck here for now.  Face facts, put on your big girl pants:  this is what I have to do for the time being to get myself to the point where I can do something different.

I’ve said again and again (and believe oh-so-vehemently) that if you’re stuck in a situation that makes you unhappy, you need to either change it, if you can, or find a way to deal with it if you can’t.  Complaining about it or resenting it does nothing but make you–and everyone else around you–miserable.

But when it comes to my job, I haven’t been following my own philosophy.  I’ve been doing the exact opposite, actually.  And that ends now (she says to herself sternly.  Are you listening, Self??)

Resenting what I’m doing doesn’t change the fact that I still have to do it.  It only makes me unhappy while I’m doing it.

On the flip side, doing my job cheerfully and with the best attitude I can muster isn’t a public endorsement of my love for said job.  The universe won’t look down on me and think, “Oh wow, look how cheerfully she’s working right now!  Maybe this job is right for her after all.  Let’s just leave her there a little longer…”

It seems so silly when I write it out like that, but I’ve actually worried that venturing a little enthusiasm would be…almost dangerous…for that  very reason.  Like having an enthusiastic attitude toward my un-significant job would somehow be a compromise of my morals.  I wonder how many people similarly hold themselves back from giving their all at something because they don’t think it’s “worthy” of their time.  But the truth is, my time is worthy of the best I can give it, even if I have to spend it on something I’m not particularly in love with.

Resentment won’t change my circumstances, and trying to appreciate what I can of them won’t lessen my integrity as a rebel.  I’m only lowering the quality of my time–and the quality of myself–every time I approach my (unavoidable) circumstances with resentment.

Begrudgingly Accepted Truth #3:  Resentment Makes Me a Lower Version of Myself

This whole Quits project isn’t just about escaping the 9-5 and getting rid of obligations I don’t care about.  It’s about turning myself into a better version of myself.  And nurturing a rotten attitude toward the things I can’t change–especially something like my job, which takes up so large a percentage of my days–goes totally against this goal.

There’s an inherent dignity and grace (and awesomeness) about someone who keeps up a great attitude in spite of shitty circumstances.  And there’s an all-too-common unattractive mediocrity about someone who bitches and moans about their circumstances, even if only in their own head.  (Outwardly, I’m a cheerful-enough little worker, but inwardly, oh, I’m all simmering, ugly bitterness.)

I don’t want to be that kind of person.  I want to be the kick-assest I can be, in all situations–even the un-ideal ones.  That’s what a Cordelia does.  That’s how a Cordelia ought to live her life.

So, this Monday morning, I am going into work with a smile on (goddammit!), no matter how much I secretly dread the time-suck and wish I were anywhere else.  I’m going to remind myself that where I am is where I am, and it’s up to me whether I make the situation into a decent one or a crappy one.

It’s time to start taking my own advice.

http://www.cordeliacallsitquits.com/quit-resenting-my-job-and-all-other-circumstances-i-cant-change/

[survivormuxloe]

Episode #1 & 2: "so that was fun, and by fun I mean hell" - Ahrre

So I'm so confused right now lol. Like I feel like discord should have a similar format to skype, but maybe I'm just dumb and cant figure it out. Also the only people I know/heard of are on the other tribe which is fun. Hopefully I can set myself up so my lack of understanding Discord doesn't make me look like a liability to the rest of my tribe.

we legit just got into our tribes.. missus sweyn.. LOL. i legit don't know ANYONE!! APART FROM MY BABY RYAN!! LIKE WHO ARE THESE PPL? liek i've heard of rhys and malik from like other orgs but the other people like god.. why can't I just have my circlejerk like in emvv. ): and idk WHO IS EVNE ON THE OTHER TRIBE WHICH MAKES IT WORSE I COUD HAVE LIKE A BUNCH OF RLY STRONG PLAYERS who are gunna win every single immunity challenge.. and i ain't wantin to go premerge nnn. uhm. ya. thats my mood rn. Xo

Oh wow, hi it’s me, Mo. I’m going into this game with an advantage of not having a social life so I can be more active. I like my tribe so far everyone’s really nice. I only know Fabricio because he won the game I got PoTS on. But I think I’m going to withhold that information of him winning his last game because I kinda wanna be allies.

First impressions of my tribe, they’re pretty cute I guess I like people well enough but I’m always nervous about pre existing relationships people may have in other communities so that’ll be fun to manoeuvre around my plan is just to lay low be social and hopefully not stick out as a target

deadass the challenge has barely started and wes already has 2 images.. meanwhile his ass has prob spoke in the tribe chat like once and he aint comin in  my pms anytime soon so. LAMJHNFG . better hope his social game saves him over the physical x

this is my 3rd one already but this is important. linus is the first person to say haha to me. TWO! FUCKING! HA'S!!!!!! JUST SAY LOL!!!! SAY LMAO!!! IDGAF!! Omg this is geniunely my pet peeve and i wanna scream a a a a a  a a a a a  aa

Man, I'm back with Tobi from Survivor Ko Chang and that scares me to death. He claims he wants to start on a clean slate with me and work together again, but I don't trust him one bit and the first opportunity I have to take him out, I'm gonna do it, cuz I can't have somebody like him around. Bad for my game.

On the other hand of the spectrum, I know Michael from Zwooper and we've always had a good relationship so I think that's one person I can fully align with right out of the gate. I've also worked up some social connections with Dani, Jose and Ahrre so far, and they all seem pretty chill for the most part.

Right now, my focus is to win. I'm gonna go hard in this first immunity challenge and rack up as many points as I can. Losing the first challenge always sucks and I wanna make sure that doesn't happen for me again.

Okay im like mad excited to play this game. One Ive been kinda down, and this should help me be able to invest my time into something and potentially help me feel better.

Seeing this cast. I love it. I have really only worked with Felix in a past org before but we havent talked in ages. So I dont have any past connections which feels great because I hate people assuming were working together because were friends?. So this wont happen this season which is great.

So far my tribe is okay. Havent had a chance to speak alot to everyone yet. However the people I have done are alright. So far my favorite person is Scott or Scooty Toots. Hes British as well as me, he's 18 and we're both starting University without a clue what were doing. Like twins?!? So hopefully he feels the same way about me too.

Alliances are key. I want to make a few smaller ones to form a majority for me. Like two allainces of three. Giving me 4 allies. Not sure if this will happen soon or not, but its my goal to take control of this game, as Ive never done it before. I dont want to come across as controling however so smaller groups is the way to do it in my head.

Omfg y'all...... The game started like maybe 16 hours ago and I have barely spoken to most of my tribe bc I was a lil busy last night & had some damage control to handle in EMVV but like..... ??? I already found the idol in the Play Room CTFUUUU. We fucking stan. I immediately told my son Scooty because he's my bae.... I haven't had my hands on an idol in an org since like...... 703 San Marcos when I was voted out w it in my pocket (i think?? i cant remember any others so..) so BEST BELIEVE I'm going to use this correctly. THAT IS MY MAIN MISSION. I'm craving that satisfaction of a successful idol play...... I would love to cross that off my imaginary org goals list..... BUT WHEW I'M PUMPED.

I am making a pact with myself to not be an overly annoying gamebot this season because I just wanna have fun with it and make it a chaotic season, and this lil buddy is gonna allow me to be as extra and messy and turbulent as I please <3 big dick energy

Helloo so here I am doing this org thingy so you're stuck with my thoughts of regret until I die, or you could just not read them that's also an option.

Anyhow god save the queen blabla after more time that it should've taken me I get that I'm in one of two tribes of 9 which is kinda good because with snaller tribes I feel lime everything is more claustrophobic and shit hits the wall the moment we lose a challenge. But with 9 players imo I feel more relaxed.

So summary of who am I stuck with, there are a few who I know from before so let's start with that.

First off Jose, already played an org with him and we were good allies so my first instinct was to call him a bastard and hey he took it well so hopefully it will be a smooth sailing with that lad.

But after Jose I don't expect the meta to be kind to me.

Michael and Mo were both in my last org and I blindsided them both. Tbh they were good allies until that point so I'm more than willing to work with them in this game, hopefully they feel the same way.

But anyhow then there's Felix who I think I technically played with? We meet during a merge and he went out early without us ever talking much so really this is gonna be my first time really playing with him, he's the only one that I haven't talked to yet though I hope he gets online.

Then there's Tobi. I've heard of him and from the get go he strike me as a very straight shoot-y player. Those are always interesting to play with so let's see how that goes.

There's Dani, she seems nice and compared to Tobi she seems more social instead of strategy focused but then again it's been one day and I'm talking out of my ass.

Then there's jaylen who seems nice aswell even if I haven't talked much to him.

And finally David the absolute unit, and I say that bc he instantly started focusing on the challenge, which is a breath of fresh air plus he's Canadian so what's not to like thus far.

Talking about the challenge I get anxiety by just looking at it, scavenger hunts are always hard for me bc I live with people and I want them to remain thinking I am a normal member of society so I always need to be sneaky to do this crap, plus I don't have a car or anything so I have to use public transport if I need to go anywhere.

Apart from that well I would like to set up a 5 man majority alliance just to be safe, my only fear is the ever so feared overplaying-doom. But I feel like someone like tobi would jump on that idea pretty easily so I'll have a chat with him about that idea.

Oh and also look at me I remembered to guess for the idol TWO times in a row. I could die this very same week doesn't matter that's already an improvement on my usual gameplay.

Hi since I’m required to do these once an episode, I’ll use this one to talk about my tribe and maybe a few on the other tribe that I saw were on.

Guacamole - They seem fun. I talked with them last night, but our convo went short because we played jack box together. They seem nice though.

Linus - Mix feelings. I can get a completely loyal Linus here, or a cutthroat linus, so I’m kinda wary right now towards him but the vibes I’m getting I don’t think he’s going to be an issue, atleast for now.

Madison/Madisin - She was also at the jackbox last night and I enjoyed her, she was dying laughing at the games and I thought she was funny. So hopefully I get a chance to talk to her today.

Malik - Who? Let’s not talk about that bitch.

Rhys - He literally waits until we’re in a game to talk to me, so I peep it. And you could say I should reach out to him but it’s annoying when I have and he doesn’t do it until we’re in a game together. Boggles the mind. If I can overcome doing that, so can you. But I enjoy our current coversation as of the moment.

Ryan - We just played Mount Olympus together recently and that was a bust for us both. I’m kind of hoping we can be on the same side since it’s been a while since that’s happened. However, Ryan says he just wants to have fun so I don’t fault him if he does crazy things down the road!!

Scooter - I don’t know about him yet. We haven’t talked at all but he seems interesting. Maybe I can give a better opinion when we talk.

Steven - Very hilarious and I’m also intrigued by him. His thinking and way of talking during the jackbox had me DYING I loved it. I think he’s my new favorite new person here so far.

Wes - I only saw him once but we haven’t talked yet so idk what to say. He said he’s from ndims and is an alias of someone, I just don’t know if I know the alias since I was on that site also. But hopefully it could be someone who knows me as Orlando.

Now for the people I know on the other tribe:

Ahrre - I cant stand him too much after our last season of JPORG. He has this self righteous attitude to him and I don’t like it. However, I warmed up to him a bit during the movie times we had been present for awhile back so hopefully if we see each other again, I won’t have that opinion anymore.

Big Tuna aka Danielle - YASSS I love ha! I know her from the Skype minis and she’s amazing. I hope I finally get to play with her for once in a non mini game ❤️

Felix - Felix is a fucking wildcard. I love him, but he has really pissed me off in games in the past, and I’m hoping this one won’t be like those other ones.

Jaylen - A mess but a friend! He plays how he wants and doesn’t care what people thinks or tweaking it to better it but that’s Jaylen for you! Accept it or don’t phew.

Jose - He’s a fucking snake at times LOL but he’s lovely. I wouldn’t mind too much of being on a tribe with him.

That’s all from me for now so hope I stay around longer to see how this season goes!

so the tea is that this tribe is drier than an old lady's pussy and its so hard to talk to these people... there are no personalities... the only people i feel mildly happy talking to are ahhre and jose... and the tea is that both of them asked to be allies w me im like o ok sis lets do this so i have at least like 2 votes i know abt... and i know david from a prior org but thats not really a good thing bc i fucked him over hardcore and like... he knows im a snake LKJHDFSLK I really don't know how to maneuver strategically with this cast butttt ill try my best hehe

Oh wow!! I can't believe I haven't made a confessional yet what a shocker. BUT HI! I'm kind of just trying to get myself acquainted with everyone in the group, I'm not as active as I'd like to be :C but I'm trying my best teehee. On the first night or so Linus, Malik, Stephen, Madison and I played Jackbox games and it was SUPER LIT and We bonded over that and I'm v happy about thatttt. (ofc I already know madison and I already love her but I haven't talked to her in game yet aklsdjf) I just started talking with Scooty today, or Scooty? I might just call him Scooty, ANYWAY yeah we got to talk about how we type similarly and that was nice, we bonded over that and it was littY. I also got to talk to Rhys!! He also seems like a neat guy - I still haven't talked to him a lot but I think he's cool. I honestly don't know who else is on the tribe, Wes and Ryan right? Wes and I talked a little bit, but barely. and Ryan hasn't talked to me at all lmao. Hopefully right now I've made enough connections though. I'd like to make tribe swap so I can meet more people and make friends lololol - wish me luck gang!

I’m getting along with everyone really well so I know I won’t be the first fine at the very least so I just need to lay low laugh and Kiki with everyone and hopefully I can survive for the long term

I’m doing the Scavenger Hunt and knowing me I decided to wait till the last two hours to do everything I can. So now I have an hour and a half to film a bunch of videos

Okay so talking to my tribe Im begining to feel less at ease with them. Mostly because most of them hardly seem to talk. Which dosent bode well for me. Could mean im on the outs and they dont like me. Or that They're all inactive.

Madison seems like the easy boot right now just because like, who?!?. Shes not been around Ive messaged her once and she left me on read.

So Steven had to leave but we still have to do the challenge as if he was competing which PROBABLY means were going to tribal. So ive been working on getting an allaince going. Ive talked to Malik and Brought the Idea of us forming a trio with someone. Luckly he picked Linus because I talk to him aswell. So fingers crossed we can get that going.

I also have a great feeling from Scooty aka scott. So like Hopefully i can get another trio with him going aswell. So then I will be solid untiill a swap.

I do have a concern that Scott and Ryan are close and Malik and Linus are close. More so that I would be their second choice out of the trio if one is made. However thats not going to effect me I dont think this early. So fingers Crossed.

uhm so!! STEVEN QUIT which im rly sad for two reasons. one for him bc i know he wanted to do well and i hope hes doing ok and i geniunely wish the best for him and the other reason is selfish bc i literally.. planted my seeds on him already? like. all that work for nothin. and now we sitting here actin as if madison aint afk and aint gunna submit nothing..

like its the only reason ive done these dumb videos so that i wont be seen as the weak link if we ever lose again almdlddg.. but uhm hopefully my seeds that are in rhys/jones keep me safe bc if madison gets out here i have ryan/rhys/jones to keep me safe.. so im not gonna be that upset if we lose LOL esp bc ik linus/malik r gunna be scary af later on

hopefully we win tho? so i dont have to deal with this stress? i dont wanna relive louvre where i visitted every single premerge tribal except for 2.. even tho i did well hehe uhm. YAH WE’LL SEE :)

I'm kinda bummed that this last challenge wasn't immunity anymore because we smoked the other tribe, LOL. But at the same time, I'm glad cuz I wouldn't wanna lose the challenge after one of my tribe members quit, that'd just be sad as fuck, LOL.

Also, I feel a good rapport developing further between Danielle and I. I feel like her and I can dominate this game together, but I can't get too ahead of myself here. The first couple of rounds are meant to create social bonds and I feel like I've done a good job of that thus far. Only person I haven't talked to is Jaylen and I'm okay with that, cuz if we lose the immunity challenge, he's most likely the first one to go.

Okay, thankgoodness that the challenge was changed to reward last minuet. Because we wouldve gone to tribal.  Maddison is legit missing. I dont even care if we win or loose this next challenge because she needs to go.

So firstly that reward was weird like woo thanks pretty crown but there’s nothing else so I’m thinking that someone else has the clue and my best bet would be jaylen bc he got the Crown Jewels the most important piece. Overall I’m very nervous for this battleship challenge because in my mind it’s mostly luck based so my fate is really out of my hands.

Well, not much honestly but I'm gonna write a confessional for round 1 and stuff so I don't get a strike

The game is going okay I'm trying not to be aggressive talking to people, but just letting people come to me and make conversation right now honestly I'm trying to play UTR since I think considering madison doesn't exist right now I think I'm able to do that TBH. Hopefully it all works out.

I volunteered to do the battleship challenge thing because I have no life and it looked like no one else was gonna volunteer.

I actually know Linus he played with me in Epic SBB in Hell, so that's nice to not be going in with no connections period.

Sorry this wasn't that long but it's something I guess

If we lose probably another confessional will be writen but right now there isn't much to report

I’m for sure feeling a little bit more nervous now because a lot of this challenge is about being organised and teamwork and we could barely have someone sit out so fingers crossed

Heyo so we won the challenge so that was fun, and by fun I mean hell but hey we've got bragging rights, which is pretty much it since unfortunately Steven was medevaced out of da game so even though the other tribe lost they didn't go to tribal.

A bit annoying knowing you did that for nothing but oh well the other tribe seems to be having a rough time by itself with steven quitting and someone (Madison I think) not submitting anything lol

And I say for nothing bc technically we won reward but it was one of those first come first serve things and I only got seved a jpg image so nothing fancy there...

But at least now the next challenge is something where 8 out of 9 people on the tribe don't have to do anything and you bet your ass after that first challenge I'm gonna be one of the 8. David the unit took it upon himself to carry us to victory so godspeed lad.

However this challenge is pretty luck based so I'm saying fuck that I'm not talking my chances.

Following last confessional I talked to tobi about making an alliance and he was onboard, he proposed to have Jose on it which is great since that was my idea anyways, plus I told dani and she was also on board, and to finish up the hipotetical majority of 5 she said he was cool with Michael.

I haven't talked to him yet and Jose hasn't been online but hopefully we should be fine.

Ngl would like to have an alliance with david and felix too, david bc he seems like a total lad with the challenges and Felix because he later told me he felt the most confortable with me.

But regardless hopefully we won't even have to go to tribal (and if we do at least there are other options for the vote)

For now I shall be the dumb cheerleader of the bunch for a game of battleship.

Ahhh, I feel so bad that I lost the challenge for my tribe. I feel like going into a challenge with the weight of the win or loss stacked against you is huge. But I did come REALLY close and my tribe seems to respect that I almost got us the win. I don't think I'll go anywhere tomorrow for tribal, but you never know.

Yesss we won immunity. I’m happy we could after Steven left. They made our challenge a reward for that and we lost but it’s fine because WE WON immunity phew. And it’s all thanks to Wes. So far to me, Madison is looking the easiest vote off right now because I haven’t talked to her and I haven’t seen her so that’s my view on it. The three I talk to the most on my tribe are Rhys, Linus and Scoots. Then Ryan and Guacamole. Then Wes and finally Madison. I hope this game doesn’t pull a JPORG Fitzroy Island, I don’t wanna be screwed over by a random ass tribe swap. But I basically dig my tribe and hope that I won’t be the first to go.

Whew we won?! What. I thought we were gonna fuckin loose. Noah fence Wes.

Sad tings though because Madison is probably going to strike out. Oh well.

Ya boi still hasn’t gone to tribal so stay mad.

It’s fucking gross having to go to tribal council and I can’t be dealing but I seem to have found myself in two alliances with only dani connecting the two so I’m gonna work with dani to ride this middle ground and make it further

I’m going home omfg. I can’t really have a deep convo with anyone, which means I don’t have an alliance even though I’m sure one has been made ugh. I’m gonna focus on surviving this round then seeing what I can get set up next round. Wish me luck whew

I’m pissed because it’s super obvious that the other 7 on my tribe are in a mega tight alliance. Steven was my only alliance in this hole game, and like, he even told me he found an idol and then on his way out he didn’t even slip me the idol??? Can’t wait to be voted out 7-1 because he wanted a souvenir.

So the tea is that ahrre and I made an alliance of 5 which includes him, me, Jose, Dani, and Michael which I think is cute but they are really boring so meh idk I’ll just flip during merge x JDJSJD I’m a messy bitch

ugh i'm so glad we won immunity bc our tribe is already severely lacking in strong members bc Steven left us out to perish and Madison aint shown her face yet... so the numbers getting back to even is great for us <3

Right so unfortunately we lost the battleship game so that means we're heading to the first tribal of the game, fun stuff.

Now as we lost I got the Me-michael-jose-dani-tobi alliance set up. Meanwhile Felix was telling me that for him it was between Jose or Jaylen, since they've been the least active. Understandable but more understandable is that I'm in an alliance with Jose so for me it seems like it's gonna be Jaylen, who I also haven't spoken much with so I don't mind, albeit every tribal we go to before swapping or merging I see it as a potential ally down the line going home, which shucks.

Either way the alliance (and everyone else for that matter) agreed on jaylen, I also told Jose in kind words to get his shit together before he gets sent home but that's pretty much it. I'm gonna try to lay down for now I don't want to bring any unwanted attention to myself.

Hopefully tribal goes well.

Oh wow hi it’s me, Mo. Ok so currently the plan is to vote out Jaylen which I don’t have a problem with, it’s kinda sad because he is actually really nice but somewhat inactive. I’m on my way to get a burger and fries and I’m fucking ecstatic like I’m so fucking hungry it’s stupid. Also watch me get blindsided.

So we went into this chalenge on a high after wining the reward and I was the one who got the most points out of everyone :))). Although I’m nervous this will put a target on my back, I’m happy that I have kind of proven my dominance in this game! After losing the challenge, I’m upset!! This was all luck based which sucks! After that, I started talking more with Felix, David, Michael and Ahree. Within the span of like 30 minutes, I got added to 2 seperate groups. I was like “iiii” because this can get messy fast. Michael is in both of the groups as well so I don’t feel too bad because at least there is someone else in my position as well. I get along with Felix a lot and have had quite a few good convos with him! David seems to want to lead things in the group he made, which is whatever. Keeps the target off of me, especially if we go to tribal again. I expect to make more confessionals throughout the course of the game, usually videos but I’m pretty tired right now haha.

I just took a nap and there's no tribal and I'm always trying my best. My tribe doesn't hate me for some reason even though I sure would. Oh well. I really miss Steven I hope he's okay.

Steven quit half way through this episode. Then Jaylen was voted out 8-1. 

[stuckonreblogs]

directly copied to reply to- original post here: http://paula-deens-fuckboy.tumblr.com/post/156424800265/ok-but-how-are-you-going-to-go-around-saying-that ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Source: paula-deens-fuckboy Every decent human being in our race is against pedophilia, there’s no ‘high horse’ or entitlement here, it’s a basic moral line that most of our society possesses. The fact that you and your little pedo-patrol defense system don’t understand that doesn’t make the rest of society stuck up, it makes you all lower than the rest of us morally and intellectually. You’re the odd ones out, and you really don’t seem to understand that judging by how you think me shutting down pedophile culture is some statement of self supremacy. I have no RIGHT to criticize pedophilia culture? Actually, shockingly I know, I do. Everyone has the right of criticism, everyone has the right of reviewing product that is being sold, and most importantly- it isn’t just a right, EVERY adult is RESPONSIBLE for shutting down pedophilia culture in other adults. Not only do I have a legal right to criticize your useless friend but I have a damn good reason to do it. The fact that you think random magic AU’s or whatever are comparable to pedophile culture is another indication that you have absolutely no solid grasp of reality and common sense, as if we needed another. I don’t even know how to address your personal opinion, because you’re.. You’re too self-righteous and morally bankrupt to even argue with. This ‘youre bitter because “Sig” wouldn’t draw you art’ idea is so akin to that junior high ‘You’re just jealous’ argument, both are inaccurate silencing techniques. You’re all so damn entitled and pretentious that you dare think that nobody would speak out against “sig” if it weren’t for jealousy, that is batshit fucked up, this level of narcissism is so high for an average-to-mediocre tumblr artist who doesn’t draw anything interesting. To be honest, I didn’t know who “Sig” was until yesterday, when someone on my dash spontaneously reblogged their pedo shit, so this notion that I’ve got ulterior motives (because how could someone JUST be against pedophilia? That’s so whack) is absolutely narcissistic bullshit that you’re all using in an unsuccessful attempt to discredit my person. But it greatly interests me that you see “sig’s” client base/people who wish to purchase their porn, as inherently small minded and dense, and incapable of average debate. But hey, it’s easier to think someone is ‘just bitter’ than to admit and evaluate that you’re standing up for a pedophilic dipshit who isn’t a special enough artist to deserve this amount of your effort, right? Don’t project, it doesn’t hold up in debate. Not that Anyone Asked for your personal opinion, which is uneducated and unimportant anyways, but absolutely everything to do with it is evidence that you don’t have a single clue what you’re arguing against, your response is literally nothing, none of it makes sense. 1) You use the word hypocritical when it’s not applicable, 2) you pull a junior high argument which you have no evidence or back up for, 3) you try to bring my URL into it when it’s very obviously a blatant joke and isn’t applicable to the argument at hand. (But who could ever know that? How were you to know that someone isn’t actually identifying as a ‘fuckboy’ for a senior citizen from Texas? It’s too believable) 4) There’s nothing redeemable to read, to make those other 3 mistakes look less silly. You haven’t said a single thing that has lead me to believe that you have a merit-able argument to offer me, you haven’t made a single bound in convincing me that your side of the argument makes a lick of sense. All you can do is spout insults without fact because you don’t have any fact that you can actually back up. You have no sense of grammar, no sense of structure, you can’t make a point that could stand in any reasonable debate, and then you have the audacity to tell me I have a small mind. Now that, and please take this in as it is an important lesson for you to learn, that is hypocrisy. Do you understand what hypocrisy means now? Probably not but I digress. Absolutely everything you have said to me is hypothetical trash, you are a laughing stock, you’re an embarrassment to yourself and your friend and you’re making you both look like bigger jokes than ever, maybe you should hand the reigns over to someone with an IQ higher than that of a fetus. From.. Well, everything about you, I’m expecting your next reply to be something nonsensical… again. I know that you don’t have an argument beyond blabbering and whining and cheap cop-outs, or you would have included it in your first reply. I don’t argue with people who don’t have the basic skill to debate, I’m not willing to go in circles with someone who has absolutely nothing valuable to say, so don’t bother replying because I’m blocking you, as well. Maybe next time “Sig” will send someone who isn’t a complete embarrassment. Boy bye ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Okay, prefacing this with the understanding that some people are offended even by fictional/potential pedophilia, and I am not at all addressing everyone's beliefs here- my response to that is click unfollow, blacklist, and know it doesn't offend everyone. These comments are ment solely for this individual since they think a half ass rant at their callousness is the best I can do. As for your bloated ego, let me address the over stated drivel of your reply point by point since apparently the snap response of a pissed off rant struck enough of a nerve that you had to attempt to justify your forcing idiocy on other people. "every decent human being" clearly "decent" and "capable of separating fiction" are not on the same level in your brain here. an *intelligent* human being would be capable of understanding that this character was a work of fiction to begin with and therefore any depiction of them in any other age rage/gender/otherwise alternative form is as valid as the original. If we were discussing a *REAL* personage, your "decent" descriptor might have merit, but as we are not, its an invalid outlook. As that is the case, my original comment of "high horse" is indeed correct. Your attempts at forcing one "valid" view of a fictional peice of work are nothing short of you assuming your view is the only one that has the right to exist and that fiction has no right to do anything except mirror reality. You're not an activist shutting down pedo-culture, you're hiding in the kiddy sandbox of tumblr cutting people you think are safe because they aren't part of the real problem; you twist fiction into unacceptablity because you think you can hide your own emotional and intellectual failings behind big SJW wanna be movements. You have every right to criticize, but criticism and destructive behavior are two totally separate entities. You have a right to criticize ACTUAL pedo-culture, not what you as a individual take offense to and try to smother in a disagreeable outlook for your own justification at destruction. If your the buyer, you have a right to critique, you weren't buying it, so keep your nosy overbearing self the fuck out of it. Adults have a responsibility to protect children, not slink around and project their own destructive judgments on what they find offensive. Your only "legal" right here is to your freedom of speech, you have no legal bearing to decide what is moral or valid on a piece of art that is based on FICTION. If the art was titled after a real kid, and the image was clearly a sexual representative of wanting to have sex with a kid and with the disclaimer "oh they are 18 so its fine" slapped on, you'd have moral ground. It's not, you don't, so how about you reevaluate your grasp on reality vs fiction before you even try to find the gaps in mine. (also just a side note, fuck you for your pathetic attempt at demoralizing a wonderful person by calling them useless just because you take offense at me, come at me of you think that kind of behavior is warrented.) You have no place to address my personal opinion actually, thats the point. It's my opinion. You can dislike it, you can say I'm wrong, but its my right to say it and yours to disagree. I'm hardly self righteous, I'm a bitch and I know it. But you obviously think opposite of what you say if you think I can't be argued with and then go on for 5 more paragraphs. It's definitely junior high, l'll give you that, but considering your the one going "I don't like it so it shouldn't exist wah wah" I feel we have a shared stage there. And it was hardly meant to silence, it was meant to point out that your attacking a very talented person on the basis of "your likes" and the fact that "your an artist too" so there is some comparison of purpose there, sorry you didn't appreciate that. Who is this "all"? this is just me. So clearly I'm not the only who is getting the jealously vibe from your so called "arguments". And you continue to encourage this when you attack someone's skill set and choice of project in direct response to critism of your own failings and jackass opinionated ranting. Whether or not you knew who they were, I'd believe your actually against pedophilia, reasonable and moral people tend to be. You don't really fit either category to a T, but I'll take your candor in trying as a pass there. I, however, never implied their clientele was anything. I said the clients they REJECTED were small minded and dense, specifically YOU are small minded and dense. Other rejections seem to have taken it well enough that I would have to apologize for the vagueness of that statement. Oh, I am certainly not one for taking the easy road, I didn't choose to point out the other failings and things as I am doing now because it wasn't worth the effort. I am standing up against you specifically being destructive to one of the artists who make sure their art and adult content is not easily accessible to minors. And if you continue to make slandering remarks against them, I will point out that your making my point in that your jealous. *I* am the one here calling your bullshit, they have done nothing but create and image you have an issue with. Instead of coming for me, you have to keep tossing in that "they" are useless, "they" are a dipshit, "they" aren't special. Fuck you. You have nothing but disreputable and disgusting things to say, your opinion screams of jealousy. So either you can debate on provable points that tie to your opinion, and keep the badmouthing to myself since I am the one arguing here, or you can keep screaming jealous crybaby and whine more when I continue to call you out on it. No one asked, but it's my response so I can say what I like. Unlike you, I specifically noted it as a personal opinion with no reasonable baring on the argument. Your assumptions are scattered throughout your writing as if they are fact. Camouflage away, I ain't afraid to take responsibility for what I think, don't need to hide it in bullshit. 1) hypocritical, behaving in a way that suggests one has higher standards or more noble beliefs than is the case.- your claims that you have a moral standing of making art without pedophilia makes you better then an artist doing the same thing. Hmm. seems applicable. 2)junior high argument, clearly labeled as personal opinion therefore evidence not required, as just stated. 3) also labeled personal opinion, but its okay to be gross when its a joke in your opinion. Noted and disagreed with. It's juvenile and disgusting so fuck off with trying to justify it. 4) how is this a point of fact? again, separate opinion. I don't have to convince you of jack shit. I made that rant because I was expressing that you have gods awful intention as far as I was concerned and exercising my right to free speech. It was a rant and the fact you responded so aggressively means I hit a nerve, so *now* I am making legitimate claims and points. The fact that you'd choose to believe that was anything more then a venting of disgust with your behavior and assuming that it was all I was capable of is your own failing. These last few paragraphs are repetitive aggressions meant to extend your reply and make it look intelligent. Your making no points except to attack my person, again presented as fact. But to address the one valid comment- no one "sent" me, fucker. I typed this because anon is ridiculous and you can fucking come at me all you like cause I don't give a fuck. You, and anyone who thinks its right to attack over fiction, are WRONG. You are wrong to attack them, you are wrong to be destructive to a fictional community, and you are a jealous piece of shit that needs to stop trying to tear other people down because you can't get the same recognition without being a jackass.