#if i manage to finish this project in time

[jjonglemons]

all my works can be found here

As You Are

i needed a cathartic one-shot, so here's a projection of my own internalized gender issues lmao. this one goes out to all my fellow afab nonbinary folks

Summary: jongho planned a nice night out for the two of you, and when he notices you aren’t feeling your best, he makes sure to remind you just how amazing you are.

WC: 1.7k

Tags: trigger warning (body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria, self-hatred, mild self-harm), established relationship, non-idol!jongho, nb!reader, afab!reader, fluff

“No,” you muttered, unbuttoning your white blouse with a sigh of frustration, “not this.” You took it off and tossed it back onto the bed amongst the other three tops you tried on already. Each of them were just “too” something for how you were feeling this evening. Groaning, you threw yourself onto the bed, grabbing one of the pillows and burying your face into it.

There was a soft knock on the bedroom door. “Love?” Jongho called out softly, creaking the door open so he could step into the room. “Is everything okay? You’ve been getting ready for a while now…” He took note of how you were sprawled across the bed with your face covered. Having been together for nearly five years, he knew exactly what that position meant. Jongho pushed your clothes out of the way so he could sit down. You felt the bed dip beside you as he comfortingly placed his hand on your thigh. “Want to talk about it?”

“No,” you grumbled, pulling the pillow away so you could look at him, “I just want to have fun tonight and don’t know what to wear.”

“Want me to pick something out for you?”

Despite still having no idea what you were feeling up to wearing, you were tired of thinking about it. Whether you ended up feeling comfortable or uncomfortable in his choice of outfit, you just wanted to be on your way already, so it didn’t matter. You’d deal with it.

“Please,” you pouted, eyes begging like a puppy.

Jongho let out a light chuckle, patting your thigh where his hand rested as he stood up. "Of course." You watched him rummage around the closet for a few minutes, eventually settling on a simple black t-shirt and grey acid-washed jeans. You managed to let out a sigh of relief seeing his choice was neutral in many aspects. You hoped once you put it on, your anxiety would settle.

“Do you want help getting dressed?” Jongho offered, placing the clothing on the bed beside you. Something he became accustomed to during your relationship was when you struggled with clothing, he’d help dress you. It sounded silly, and perhaps childish, but when your mind wasn’t in the best place with these types of situations, you really just needed an extra hand to help guide you through it. Jongho often coaxed you with sweet compliments and kisses all over your face, shoulder, and back as he did this to remind you just how much you meant to him. 

“Yes,” you nodded, slowly rising from the bed and moving over towards him. 

He carefully pulled the t-shirt over the top of your head, leaving a light trail of kisses on your back as he followed it down your spine to your hips. “You look so good in everything, love,” he whispered, “what a star you are!”

You blushed and bit your lip, turning around to face him once he finished dressing you. “Thank you for always being so kind to me,” you gushed, placing your hands on his cheeks and pulling him in for a kiss.

“Anything for you,” he smiled, pecking your nose as you parted.

You picked up your jeans off the bed, sliding them on slowly, one leg at a time. Truthfully, your depressive feelings left you heavy and unable to move at what you considered a normal pace. Jongho wrapped his arms around you from behind, moving his hands to your waistband to button your pants for you.

“Are you sure you still want to go out?” Jongho asked, turning you around to face him once more. “I can cancel the reservation; I am more than happy to have a night in instead”

You shook your head. “No, I want to go out. We haven’t had the chance in ages, who knows when we’ll have this opportunity again?”

Jongho took your hands into his, “as long as you're okay,” then kissed the top of your head.

“I am,” you nodded, reassuringly.

The drive to your destination was quiet, but not uncomfortable. Jongho was always careful not to pry when you weren’t feeling your best. He trusted you’d open up when you were ready, and every past experience had proven that to be true thus far. You glanced at the sign on the building with curiosity as Jongho parked the car.

“Axe throwing?” You asked, a smile playing at your lips

Jongho nodded. “I remember you talking about wanting to try it.”

“Ah, thank you!” You squealed, throwing your arms around him. He jumped at your sudden movement, bumping his elbow on the door with a small yelp. “Sorry, my bad.” You apologised, retracting while looking at him sympathetically.

Jongho laughed before leaning over to kiss your cheek. “All good, my love. Now, let’s go fuck up some wood!”

To your surprise, you were actually quite good. You managed to beat Jongho by a good ten points by the end of the game.

“Let me just run to the bathroom really quickly before we leave,” You said, indicating the bathroom door as you passed it near the exit of the building. Jongho reached his arm out, signaling for you to hand him your jacket so you wouldn’t have to drag the hefty monster in with you. You thanked him before making your way into the restroom.

You hated when rooms had the mirror directly in view when you walked in. You felt your body cringe at the sight of your reflection, but you forced it away. You made your trip quick, avoiding the mirror as you passed by it again to exit the bathroom.

Jongho’s smile immediately dropped upon seeing your face when you came out. If there’s one thing you were really bad at, it was hiding your feelings. They oozed out far too strongly in your body language.

“What happened?” He asked gently, passing back your jacket.

You sighed. “Let’s just talk at home, yeah?”

Quietly, he nodded, following behind you to the car. Just like the ride from home was silent, the ride back was the same. Except this time, the air felt much heavier. Jongho to caution to not push you when you got back into the house, simply taking a seat on the living room couch. He sipped patiently at the glass of water he’d left on the side table earlier whilst you two were getting ready.

A few minutes later, you sat down beside him, playing with your fingers. You started to pick at the skin of them nervously. Jongho noticed, deciding to softly take your hands into his to keep you from further harming yourself. Thankfully it hadn’t gotten too bad, but knowing about your past, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t scared of you relapsing. 

“Talk to me, love,” he said delicately. Upon his words, you began to cry, more than you expected yourself to. Jongho watched you with concern, rubbing his thumb over your palms in hopes to help calm you down. “Shhh,” he cooed, pulling you closer to him so he could wrap his arms around you, “I’m here. I’m here.”

“I-I,” you began, choking on your words, “I just felt so disgusting today. I didn’t feel good in anything, even the clothes you picked out for me. I’m sorry,” you sniffed. “I just feel so fucking ugly sometimes.”

“You've done nothing wrong, please don't apologize," he assured. "What is making you feel this way, darling?”

“I just wish…” you trailed off for a moment to breathe. “I just wish I was fucking normal. Why can’t I just feel like the body I was given? Why does my life have to be more complicated with these stupid fucking feelings? What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing is wrong with you.”

“I don’t hate my body,” you added, “but at the same time, I do. I either feel disgusted for what it is in general, or with the implications it comes with.”

“Love,” Jongho whispered, placing light kisses on your cheeks over where your tears lay, “you are the most beautiful human being I have ever come across. I am so, so sorry that you aren’t feeling that way right now. I know it’s difficult.”

“I wish I could see it that way, Jjongie,” you cried, “but right now, I can’t. How do you even love me, anyway? Looking like this. Being like this. I’m supposed to be a woman, right? Why don’t I feel that way then, hm? Why is my brain like this?”

“Your gender doesn’t change how I feel about you, my love.”

You wished Jongho’s words were getting through to you, but you were so caught up in your pain, you just kept overflowing with anger and ignoring them instead. “I do feel like a woman, but not all the time. Sometimes it feels right, other times so, so wrong. The same goes for any gender I experience. I just want to feel okay. Feel good in my skin. Is that so much to ask?”

Jongho shook his head, lifting your chin tenderly so you could look up at him. “Not at all.” He kissed you. “I may not understand everything you experience, but I do understand enough to know that it’s not easy, and I’m willing to do everything I can to help you feel safe, seen, and loved.”

You began to feel at ease, having released the feelings you had been harbouring all night and finally allowing Jongho’s words to reach you. Jongho knew about these things already. Hell, if it’s been five years already and he hasn’t left you, it’s safe to say he wasn’t going to. He truly loved you, deeper than you could ever imagine. You knew it, too, despite all of the lies your head would tell you at times.

“Can we just stay like this for a while?” You asked, nuzzling yourself further into him. 

“Of course.”

When you awoke a few hours later, you found yourself in bed with Jongho spooning you. You took a deep breath, finally feeling okay. In his arms, you always did. “I love you, Jongho,” you whispered.

“Mmmm,” he stirred, lazily kissing your neck. “I love you the most.”

[kommandonuovidiavoli]

Hi Sydney, how are you? How are you currently in your marriage with Charlie? Of course adding Lou to the equation? How do you pass the time?

" We recently celebrated Pearl Wedding Anniversary, with a little party with friends and family. It was really nice!

We had our ups and downs... well, a pretty bad down I'd say, that almost ended it all (and me as well but, that's another story).

But somehow we managed to get back from it and we're even more in love than before, if possible!

I really love her a lot. She's my life and my light in the dark, and now she's Lou's, too, once more!

I'm not jealous, honestly. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I trust both of them and know they would never hurt me, especially now that we all have our memories back and can understand feelings better and talk about them like adults.

I trust Lou. He never gave me any reason not to, and I know he wants to protect Charlie as much as I do—except he can do it better because of his powers, eh eh!

We had to buy a bigger bed so we could all fit in, and I still wonder how Charlie can get out of it without waking up me or Lou, since she sleeps in the middle. She has magic! "

" I used to read a lot years ago or play some video games to get inspiration. Sometimes watch movies, too.

Now I completely lost all attention to do any of that stuff. I can't sit still and read a book, because I forget the sentence I just read, and I lose interest. I can't sit still and watch a new movie because I start doing something else and lose the plot. I can only sit still in a cinema but I have to concentrate hard to actually follow a movie, so I don't do it often. I can't even play a videogame because these new 3D graphics give me motion sickness.

All I can do is draw. I do that a lot while following TV shows or videos I already watched or things that are just good as background noise to keep me company. Even if... drawing is becoming hard as well. I get easily distracted, I start too many projects and never finish any of them. I lose interest quickly and abandon things.

But at least I draw.

Maybe one day I'll start reading too... hopefully, before my eyes get even worse at seeing, ahah... "

[thistaleisabloodyone]

And this is why I bought myself a 16TB hard drive 😂

[abombihoney]

anyway would that be fucked up or what

inspired by this post by @shadebloopnik ft tags from my main lol

[diabolicjoy]

mittens !!!! pattern X - i modified a bit because my yarn was a bit more thick, so i shortned a few rows of the colorwork & added the burnt orange details instead :)

[hauntedwizardmoment]

jace literally got shattered at the altar of cliffbreaker and you expect me to be normal about that??

[justinegreenpie]

[every-sanji]

[kedicatt-cotl]

“ I always thought Narinder was the God of Death, but actually it might be you ”

An old cranky man taking in a cute kid that is better than him at every aspect of his own job. Then they may or may not get up to some shenanigans. The kid is the one having to do most of the job, though.

[flickeringflame216]

also lest I do naught but grumble, blessings roll call! share blessings or news or prayer requests in the tags :)

[shinimout]

MINAMI DAY!!!

[journeyman-tier-fibercraft]

Had an insomnia night last night. Which like usual lead to me casting on a new doily at 4 am (and sleeping until 3pm so I didn't get the good day time lighting for this photo).

This one is at least small and experimental. I was info dumping about Neibling to my father and used this doily as an example of both how Neibling sometimes would make insertions/edging for woven fabrics (which how I wanted to figure out how to turn them into stand alone doilies), and how a lot of Neibling patterns simply do not have modern photos. Upon a bit of a closer look I figured out I could solve both those problems for this particular design!

According to these charts, the center knit alone insertion (chart a) finishes with 180 stitches, and the edging charts have a 12 stitch repeat, for 15 total repeats into 180 stitches! (i was very proud of this math at 0345 lmao)

It's going to annoy me that chart B won't actually line up with chart A in an elegant way like most Neibling doilies but it's worth it just to be able to see what this pattern. Actually looks like in more pixels than there are stitches in the doily.

[flebus]

finding stuff from 2019 in my files that i still enjoy. what if i picked my Kirby doujinshi up again.

[soratsuart]

Do you daydream about thoroughly detailed wiki fandom pages for your characters and video essays with theories or pointing out fun facts about your projects you haven't even written down or are you normal?

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

They should invent a feeling like a failure in every aspect of ur life that is motivating instead of overwhelmingly depressing

[bluesidedown]

I just want to fly to Tibet and not think about character growth or the future or navigating relationships