#if i lose this site i will self destruct

[theprincipleofescalation]

I can't be the only one frantically scrolling through my AO3 bookmarks and downloading any and every fic I can't live without right? This is totally reasonable behavior hahahhahahaaaaaaaaahahhhhh!!!!

[xxwritemeastoryxx]

Hiii can you write a part 2 for this? Maybe like he snaps out of it and realized what happened. And he remembers what reader siad and just angst

Darkness

Author: xxwritemeastoryxx

Pairings: Elijah Mikaelson x Fem!reader

Word Count: 4.2K

Warnings: Angst, death, blood, mentions of ripped out hearts. Red door Elijah.

Author’s Note: Hey! Look! I'm finally posting something! There's been so many things happening and I'm just glad something is being posted. I'm slowly but surely working on the Make It Angsty Celebration requests. They're coming along with other things as well. I promise. Please note that you NEED to read Demons Within to understand what is going on with this fic. Thank you so much Anon for this request and thank you for participating in the Make it Angsty Celebration.

I do not and will not ever give permission for my fics to be copied and posted on other sites. Don’t do it. Don’t be that person that ruins it for me and everyone else.

Feedback gives me life and motivation for future things. While likes are appreciated, reblogs are gold. Seriously, if you enjoyed this in the slightest, please reblog ♥

Demons Within || TVDU Masterlist

If there was one thing Elijah learned during his existence it was that magic could have a vice grip upon its target depending on the spell. Hexs sucked the light and life out of the person they were put upon. Immortality had its consequences that proved time and time again that even an original vampire could be bested with the simplest of spells. 

Many forms of magic had been witnessed through the centuries. And while Elijah had his fair share of receiving spells, there was nothing in comparison to the witchcraft his mother had put upon him. Forcing Elijah to completely experience the darkness that laid and waited just beyond the red door locked within his mind. 

Since he had awoken, the moments of darkness would come unexpectedly. The monster that lay dormant for so long was eager to play. To sink his teeth into the beauty that surrounded him. To destroy the glimpses of perfect moments that hid who he truly was. A creature that enjoyed the hunt as a sport and the blood that was tasted was the prize.  

Elijah had been able to keep his darker self at bay many times. Even with his mother’s spell intact, there was always a way to come out of it before he had done something he regretted. One thing was always for certain, his family had remained protected at all times. At least that was until the darkness consumed him. 

The simplest of conversations had triggered the monster within. He and Y/N had been talking about the safety of their family. A plan being put into motion to stop Esther once and for all. But the dormant monster’s interest had been piqued by the blood Elijah’s wife had been cleaning off of her shirt, blood from the last person she pulled a heart from. The clean up triggered the monster that she shouldn’t be hiding who she really was. 

The more Y/N spoke to Elijah about her plan, her eyes had been on the towel in her hand as she wiped the last of the blood off. She had missed the way Elijah was beginning to lose his hold on the present. She had missed the way the darkness was so eager to consume him. And when she finally noticed it, it had been too late. 

The last thing Elijah had remembered was the way Y/N slowly reached her hand up to his face. His name left her lips softly as she attempted to call him back to her.  The same maneuver she had done several times to keep him there with her. But this time it didn't work. It wasn’t long before Elijah had completely lost control of himself. 

Screams filled his ears even in the darkness. The part of Elijah that fought for control could only listen to the destruction that his body was creating. The cries for help may have brought pleasure to the monster currently at play, but to Elijah, he couldn’t even bring himself to begin to think about the damage. 

‘Lijah. It’s me. You know me. You’ve known me for centuries.

The familiarity of the voice that played through his ears should have helped. The very voice that had brought him peace was there trying to break through to him. The voice that had been embedded in his mind for centuries. During his times of being daggered it was that voice that helped him through the darkness. Yet at this very moment, he couldn’t grasp onto the hope that the voice held. 

You know me, Elijah. I can show you.

The voice was breathless. As if the person speaking was having trouble breathing. And in the darkness that surrounded Elijah, he knew he should be worried. He knew that what was happening wasn’t good. That every fiber of his being should have been fighting to stop what was happening, but nothing he did to gain control worked. 

The darkness kept him under. Held him down while he was forced to listen to the sounds that entered through his ears. Even his brain refused to let in the familiarity of the voice that he was currently listening to. The magic within him taunting him. 

You should have taken Esther's offer. 

I-it’s okay. The sweet voice played through his ears once more. The words cracked slightly and it caused an ache to fill Elijah. One that the monster didn’t or would ever understand. I’m not scared. I promise. It’s n-not your fault if you do this. It’s going to be okay. Just know that I love you.

NO!

It was the first thought that Elijah had been able to force out of the abyss. The one and only thought that begged and pleaded his body not to do this. To not do anything to the voice that had brought him comfort in the darkness. No matter how hard Elijah tried to pull himself out of the darkness, nothing worked. Nothing he tried to keep the voice safe worked. 

It wasn’t until the satisfaction of subduing a threat washed over him that he knew he failed. The ache that he felt moments before had lingered, if not grew more with each passing moment. The silence had proved he had lost the comfort of that voice. 

Elijah?

The echo of his name registered in his mind some time later. How much time had passed, he was unsure. He had no idea how long he had been held under in the darkness. But he knew that was his name. He knew the familiarity of that voice. He just had to push himself out. 

“What happened Elijah?” His sister’s voice. He knew that. He knew Rebekah’s voice. He could hear the panic in her words as he pulled himself closer to the surface. 

“It’s Esther’s spell.” Klaus’s voice filled his ears. “I’ve seen this look on him before.”

“Where’s Y/N?” Rebekah asked. Elijah could only assume that Rebekah had been asking Klaus. But the question had brought Elijah closer to the surface than he had been in hours. 

“Y/N.” Her name came out as a whisper but it was enough for him to gain the necessary control over his body once more.

He blinked his eyes a few times before the darkness that held onto him so tightly finally let go. The blurred edges of his vision finally clearing and allowed him to focus on his siblings. Klaus had been standing to his left and Rebekah to his right. Both of them had the same worried expressions displayed on their faces. 

“Are you and Y/N okay?” Rebekah’s voice was soft. She was trying to keep her voice calm. If Klaus was sure this was the spell, she didn’t need her older brother being triggered once more. 

Confusion filled Elijah at her question. He and Y/N had been fine moments ago. They simply had been discussing what steps to take to help get rid of Esther.  What could possibly have happened in the last few minutes that would have caused his siblings to worry as they were?

That was when he caught sight of his blood drenched sleeve. It rested on the arm rest of the chair in the courtyard. He had no memory of ever sitting in that chair let alone how the blood had gotten on him. Dried blood covered his arm and was even caked on his fingers. 

The more Elijah had a grip on reality, the more he noticed the smallest of details about himself. Besides the blood that lingered on his sleeve and hand, his face felt dry. No doubt from the blood that currently covered his lips and chin. While his suit may have been dark, a shade of crimson had taken front and center. The white button up ruined by a victim he was unaware of. 

“What happened?” Rebekah asked once more. 

Elijah shook his head. “I have no idea.” 

As he moved to stand, his siblings allowed him the space he needed to do so. Elijah took in his surroundings, looking for any clarification as to what happened. His eyes moved from one place to another, trying to piece the last thing he remembered. 

The rest of the courtyard had been left untouched. There was no evidence that there was an altercation of some kind. There were no bodies lingering on the floor somewhere. There was no scent of fresh blood filling his nose to indicate the death he caused had been there. 

“Where’s Y/N?” Elijah asked, looking towards his siblings. “She may be able to explain what I cannot.”

Elijah knew that this had been his mother’s doing. He had known that there was something that had caused his mind to blank. But he had no idea how long he had been under or what had caused it. Everything deep within him was telling him something horrible had happened. 

“She’s not here.” Klaus noted. “When we arrived, it had just been you.”

“I tried calling her phone.” Rebekah added. “But she left it here. I know she wouldn’t leave you while you were fighting this.” A flash of a memory passed through Elijah’s mind at her words. 

“Stay with me.” Y/N’s said as she brought her thumbs up to Elijah’s cheeks. Her thumbs moved over the veins that were forming underneath his eyes. “Elijah.”

Elijah had been fighting it off. He was trying his hardest to stay there with her. To fight the darkness that wanted to consume him. He watched as her hands moved down to his neck in a comforting touch. But the only thing the darkness registered was a threat. 

His hand quickly grabbed a hold of her arm and twisted it. As he had done so, a sickening crack played through the air and Y/N cried out in pain before she pulled herself free. He watched as she took a few steps away from him. 

In return, Elijah took several steps towards her. The only thing registering in his brain was to get rid of the threat that stood in front of him. Y/N’s eyes filled with fear for the briefest of moments before she turned and ran with him following right behind her. 

A gasp left Elijah’s lips as the memory left his mind. The details left him shaking his head in disbelief. He wouldn’t do that to her. Never in his wildest dreams would he ever hurt his wife like that. 

“What is it?” Rebekah asked, watching her brother’s face change with his emotions. 

“I hurt her.” His voice carried his disbelief and he hadn’t missed the look of shock on his siblings as the words settled within him. He shook his head once more trying to get things straight. “I broke her arm before she ran. She couldn’t get through to me."

An indescribable feeling began to form within Elijah. It was a feeling Elijah had never felt before. It was almost a deep satisfaction mixed in with grief that he knew he shouldn’t be experiencing. Yet it was there in the pit of his chest. 

“She got away.” Rebekah was hopeful. “She managed to get away and she’s waiting until you came back to your senses to come home.”

I-it’s okay. I’m not scared. I promise. 

The ache in his chest grew as he shook his head. The voice that rang within his ears was part of a memory that he couldn’t force himself out of. He could only hear her voice but not see what happened to her.  

“I need to find my wife.” He said before turning and began leaving. Klaus and Rebekah were right on his heels in hopes to find Y/N and to find her completely fine.

It wasn’t long before the Mikaelsons had found themselves in the woods just outside of town. The familiarity of the area alerting Elijah that he had been there earlier that day. Klaus and Rebekah watched their brother as he tried to piece his memory together. Their mother’s spell was doing a number on him in the worst possible way. 

The further they ventured into the woods, Klaus tried his best to be hopeful. But he was slowly picking up on how things had gone. Klaus knew what it was like to thrive with the darker sides of vampirism unlike his brother. As thrilling as the kill was, the hunt had been part of the fun. 

If Elijah’s darker side had been hunting, Klaus knew there was only so far that Y/N could run before she found herself within his grasp. His sister in law may have been a vampire for centuries and stronger than most, she wasn’t an original. Even she could be killed easily if he or any of his siblings got a hold of her. 

The sound of a twig snapping right under Elijah’s foot had snapped another memory through his mind.

With every step Y/N took as she ran, Elijah hadn’t been far from her. He could see the way she ran through the woods. Every fiber of the monster within him enjoying the hunt. But even while a hunter could find the hunt exciting, eventually there needed to be a time where the hunted needed to be caught. 

He watched as Y/N steered towards her right before he moved himself to lead her to turn in a different direction. The game plan to keep moving her in the direction he wanted her. Her attempts at running from him would soon be pointless and he’d have her right where he wanted her. 

He watched as she occasionally brushed by the branches close to her. Some of them broke while others bent to the force of her passing. He slowed his steps a bit, knowing it would give the moment of peace before he’d pounce. 

That was until the slightest tug of a smirk played at his lips the moment he heard voices close by. 

The soft late afternoon breeze picked up, allowing the scent of blood to fill the air. It alerted all of them to the strong scent that had been close by. It caused them to turn their attention in the direction of the wind. 

“Blood.” Rebekah said out loud. Even though they knew what the scent was before the clarification, it needed to be heard to make sure they were all on the same page. 

“Not her’s.” Elijah noted as he looked back towards the direction he had been going moments before. “Two hikers if it is needed to be known. They never saw it coming.”

Klaus looked down at the ground before looking towards his sister. A silent look shared between the two of them. One meant that this may not have the outcome they were hoping for.  While Klaus wasn’t by any means hoping for Y/N’s death, that was all his mind settled on. If the bodies in the distance were any indication his brother had been pulled deep into the darkness that there was no telling what he could have done. 

All it took was for Elijah to take a few more steps further into the woods before dread completely filled him. His chest became tight as the ache filled him. His heart knew well before his brain had registered the dark memories that were kept at bay. And with one more step his world had come to a complete stop. 

Not too far in front of where he currently stood, his eyes fell to the base of a tree. Just peeking from behind it laid a hand, resting. One that currently rested palm down with the sun catching the ring that took residence on the fourth finger. A ring he had spent months perfecting the band the stone that Y/N loved sat in. 

“No.” Elijah’s head shook as he took another step toward the hand. And with every step he took, his mind took the opportunity to torment him with the memories that he couldn't grasp onto until now. 

Y/N had been looking just past the tree she had been hiding behind. Her attempts at being still to try and locate him had been pointless. The moment she had stopped, Elijah had her. The brief moments he had with hikers didn’t stop him keeping Y/N exactly where he wanted her. 

Her moment of distraction allowed for his opening. Elijah grabbed a hold of her arm and spun her around to face him, pinning her to the tree. Her startled yelp filled his ears and the monster within him had chuckled. 

He could see the way her eyes had been taking him in. No doubt taking in the creature that was reveling in death it was causing. He could see the way her eyes held worry for what was happening to him. But the creature within him could see the spark of fear that played within them as well. 

“‘Lijah.” He watched as she shook her head slightly. “It’s me. You know me. You’ve known me for centuries.”

From the moment Elijah noticed Y/N’s hand, there was hope that she was okay. While he may not have known what happened to her, he had hoped that she was only knocked out. He hoped he hadn’t hurt her too much and that he would send a lot of time trying to make up for what he may have done to hurt her. But once he reached her, he fell to his knees in front of her.

Her skin had been ashen gray. The dark colored veins that covered her body had been every indication that she wasn’t going to wake up. Y/N hadn’t been like him or his siblings. There wasn’t the possibility of waking up from an attempt at her life. And if that hadn’t been proof enough, her heart laid close by. 

Tears filled Elijah’s eyes as he reached for her. His hand gently ran along her cheek as he took in her face. The life and color in her eyes that he loved so much had been gone. Even as he lifted her body into his lap, there was disbelief that even his darker self had been capable of killing the one woman he would never stop fighting for. Yet, she laid lifeless in his hold.  

A sob passed his lips as he leaned down and pressed his forehead to her face. There were several emotions playing through him. Guilt, grief, anger at himself and at the monster that laid within him. Anger at his mother for the spell she had placed on him that forced that monster to the surface when he spent centuries trying to keep him at bay.

A gasp left Rebekah’s lips as she and Klaus had come to Elijah’s side. They both had taken in the scene just as Elijah had moments before. grief had instantly flooded the siblings as they watched their brother hold onto his wife. 

When Rebekah tried to take a step towards Elijah and Y/N, Klaus pulled her towards him and wrapped his arms around her in a comforting hug. While he knew that Rebekah meant well in wanting to be by their brother’s side, Klaus knew that Elijah needed a moment with his wife without anyone else interfering. 

A loud cry of pain rang in Elijah’s ears as it left Y/N’s lips causing her hands to fall to her side. He watched as she looked down to find that he removed his hand from her neck, his other had been shoved into her chest. Her heart was within his grasp as he watched her take in her current situation.

He could feel the way her heart beat within his grasp. How fragile she had become the moment he had his hand in her chest. He had been holding her literal life in his hand and only one movement would bring the threat in his eyes to death. 

He watched as Y/N's eyes had filled with tears before they began flowing down her cheeks. He had been studying her reactions. Taking them in as if for a moment as he was fighting himself on what he was doing. But the magic rooted deep within the monster would never allow the man out of the deep to save his beloved. With the simple action of squeezing his hand, another scream filled his ears at the action.

Elijah watched as even though Y/N had been struggling to fight against his hold, the tears that had once been streaming down her face had slowed. The fear that once was in her eyes, vanished almost completely. Her reactions went from surviving to accepting of what was to come.

Elijah shook his head as the memories flooded in. The details that poured into his mind did nothing but fuel the guilt and anger that filled him. Y/N tried everything she could to break through to him. Everything that worked beforehand, she had tried once more. 

It was when Elijah had watched as her features changed in his memories that he understood how deep he had been under his mother’s spell. And as the memories continued to play, his hold on Y/N’s body became a little tighter. 

Elijah watched as Y/N struggled for a moment more as she tried to gain some control over herself. Her eyes met his as she took a shaky breath. 

“I-it’s okay.” Her voice cracked slightly before she groaned from the pain from the slightest movement of his hand. “I’m not scared. I promise. It’s n-not your fault if you do this. It’s going to be okay. Just know that I love you.”

Elijah may have received the message Y/N had been trying to get to him, but that didn’t change what happened. Y/N had known she couldn’t break through to him to get him to stop. The only thing she could do was speak to the man that would come out of the darkness eventually. 

“Forgive me.” Elijah said as he looked down at Y/N. Tears had fallen from his cheek and several tear drops had landed on Y/N’s face. 

His mother had been hell bent to prove to her children that there was a way to get away from the creatures they had become. She offered each of them a way to start over and each of her children refused, content with their life even if there were centuries of heartache and darkness. None of them would be willing to trade their lives to live within an innocent’s body. 

With that refusal, Esther played dirty and Y/N was the necessary means to the witch in order to drive her words home to her children. While it hadn't been directly her doing, it was her spell that left Elijah holding his wife’s body as he cried uncontrollably at what he did.

No amount of apologies that passed his lips could take back the actions he had done. No amount of begging to anything that would listen to bring her back would force life into her. No shaky touch of his fingers along her face or press of his lips to her skin would change the actions the creature within had done. 

His blood stained hand held her ashen gray cheek as his thumb ran along the veins that littered her face. “Please forgive me.” 

The words had been repeated several times in hopes that some way she’d be able to hear them. He said them more times in the last several minutes than he ever had said them within his existence. Yet, she’d never be able to say the words that he needed to hear. 

His heart ached at the thought that she wouldn’t be able to give him the forgiveness that he seeked. Even though she accepted and went into her death with no fear, all while promising it hadn’t been his fault, he felt otherwise. Her blood, and others, were literally on his hands. 

With her gone, Elijah knew nothing would be the same. The woman he spent a majority of his existence with had been taken from him. The woman that pulled him from the edge of darkness time and time again would no longer be able to. And that thought alone scared him more than anything. 

His eyes moved over his face once more. His mind was trying to picture her in any form other than the ashen gray that took a hold of her. Anything to bring life into her. A way to hold on to her for as long as he can mentally do so. Physically, Elijah knew he could sit there for hours holding on to her, begging for the events to be different, begging for her forgiveness for killing her.

It was what would come after, that scared him. His light within the darkness had been snuffed out. The one person that could always bring him back would no longer be able to. The further into the spell he went, there would be no telling what would happen next. 

As his hold on Y/N tightened, clinging onto what he had left, the creature within taunted him. Taunted him with the memories that he wished never happened in the first place. And with each fresh wave of guilt, Elijah was faced with the undeniable truth. 

The next time he fell into darkness, there would be no coming back.

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[minyare2906]

[RELEASE] HANAKOI TSURANE CH63

Title: Hanakoi Tsurane | Dance of Love | 花恋 つらね

Author/Artist: Natsume Isaku Rating: +18

Summary: The self-destructive type, Sougorou is the heir of one of the well-known families in the Kabuki world. He has no interests in other actors his age with the exception of Gensuke who he recognizes as his rival and never wants to lose no matter what. However, fate plays a cruel trick on him and the two of them end up as classmates… How will their relationship develop…?!

Volume 09 + Chapter 61.5 Download/Read online: Here

Note: Hello! Hope you're all fine in this last day of 2023!!

This post is programmed, so the links for the chapter are not in the Reader site but here. I'll update that on the 2nd, probably.

Well, looking back on this year, I think it's been a good year for the group. We would have liked to have done more or have released things faster, but, as I always say, life happens, and it's better some than nothing, right?

This chapter is pretty nice, sensei keeps preparing a nice path for our two lovebirds and it's really nice to see Grandpa again. As well as seeing what I'd love to see as the "spin-off lovebirds" when the story of the GenSou duo is over. Tsutamaru is hilarious and he deserves a story of his own!

The last thanks of the year... Thanks to Quietus for giving us those wonderful raws (you handed chapter 63 a while ago, I know...), thanks to Adamay for always being so fast translating and to Toshirodragon for being such a great typesetter, and to the both of them for doing this (and coping with me and my doubts) even when their free time is so little.

And to all of you, thanks you for reading!! Have a great night and see you next year with more!!

@cm-scans - @ikahomine

[maythevoidnotscreamback]

Story Idea: Sailor Moon but Batman style!

Basically, it's Sailor Moon but since there isn't any magic (at least maybe not for her and/or the Senshi/TK {yet? It would depend on how you want to take it}) she's more like Batman: a regular person but she's not stinking rich because her parents were killed and she and her brother inherited their fortune. No, she's just a regular mid-20's wig-maker by day (she uses said wigs for her various investigation disguises since there's no Luna Pen, and uses a very specific one when out at night, and for them to work her actual hair is pretty friggin' short to use them efficiently) and the Masked Sailor Suited Vigilante Sailor Moon by night.

Now for this to work, I'm thinking that Sailor Moon is definitely the first of the Senshi to become active, not Venus, because it is through Moon that the girls are 'endorsed' so to speak to become Senshi. And it's all due to part of this AU!Usa's backstory.

Long story short (feel free to contact me for any and/or all details if you're interested; though be warned I might not have details for everything) she's in possession of limited bolts of stretchy, almost-like-magic-but-made-with-science Kevlar-like fabric, various 'mad scientist-like' gadgets and a smart talking black cat who was unethically scientifically bred that way. The cat she kept after escaping the scary not quite self-destructing lair of the crazy people who'd kidnapped her when she was 9 after three months in their 'care', and found the former two at the site of said destroyed secret lair that she found again, by chance, in her grief of losing her childhood friend turned crush and his family to a crash on his returning-from-overseas plane turned hostage situation and promptly squirreled them away after deciding it was fate she found it all and formed the inklings of a goal/plan at 14. It's when she's in her mid-20's that she feels ready for her goal/plan to come into fruition. The Masked Sailor Suited Vigilante Sailor Moon makes her debut when the Osa-P jewellery store undergoes a robbery that turns into a hostage situation.

Thing is, said childhood friend turned crush hadn't died from the plane crash. He was the only survivor but suffered amnesia, losing everything from before he woke up. The redhead who'd become infatuated (IYKYK) with him as he recovered in the infirmary of her mother Metallia's off-the-grid community cult gave him his 'life's story' as her abandoned-as-a-baby orphan lover Endymion, who was a year older (17) than he actually was (16), and that he was apprenticed to the cult's (not that she called it that) medical doctor co-leader and 'psychiatrist' Wiseman. Because he doesn't know any better, and wanting some form of stability after his traumatic experience, he doesn't question anything. It's when he's in his late 20's, unofficially married with a 4yo redheaded, blue-eyed daughter (who's named Usagi since he was partial to the name; it resonates with him for some reason) from said 'wife', and casing a certain jewellery store in the shadows as TK as one of his 'jobs' to help bring money to his community that he sees the princess-angel he's been dreaming of since he was '17'.

One by one, new 'Senshi' join Moon for various reasons but are united by a common cause under their leader. Venus is first because the police woman Minako Aino discovered SM's identity through her own smart, talking white cat (of a non-related, older litter of the same experiments, and thus further developed in turn, that created Luna and the reason Usa was able to escape her kidnappers as a child, though she didn't know that at the time) who'd followed SM and reported back to her but didn't want to turn her in because she admires SM's efforts and wants to help so is willing to risk her career by proposing that they be one another's body double as and when needed at night and have separate patrol routes as their separate identities (M and V) when not.

It is through time (roughly two-three years) and various shenanigans and dangerous situations that SM and TK get closer, eventually stopping their game of flirty cat-and-mouse and actually bonding and getting to know one another. It is only after another life-or-death situation (TK would've frickin' died that time if not for Moon having followed him to his safe-house) that the tension between the two hits a peak after he's halfway through his convalescence and they sleep together and the next morning, after a restless night of tossing and turning as his true memories came back to him every time he awoke before his still-need-healing-exhaustion sent him to sleep again, is when TK reveals a name he'd wanted to use for the girl he'd wanted to ask to be his after he returned from that fateful trip.

Do you like? I would love if someone were able to take my idea and run with it. All I ask is that credit is given due and you let me know the title and site you've posted on so that I may read it. And as said, if you need details of what I've thought up for such an AU, if only for your own inspiration, I'm willing to send my notes to you; so long as you know that if others also ask I'm gonna give it to them too, just to see how different people would make this idea their own.

And if, in the end, I'm late to someone (or more than one) already having made some form of Batman style!SM AU, then please, please, please hit me up and tell me what it's called and where I can find it!! Thank you.

[dreamsicle262]

poetry for @noose-lion's dtiys (+ my personal take on what I've written) and original work below the cut!

You wounded beast

So comfortable with claws

Salvaging those you tear

Dropping tatters on the ground

You wounded beast

Keen on sharpened teeth

Jaws clamped tight around your goals

Sinking when they fail

You wounded beast

Putting a collar on comfort

Red as a form of warning

Values lying elsewhere as a discarded leash

You wounded beast

Never bothering to lick any wounds

The scent of copper in all that you breathe

Covering the unwanted throne upon which you sit

Your body is in pieces

Falling prey to injuries of the mind

Withering away as one does with rot

Plummeting upon crimson asphalt

I don't know if anyone cares about my view on my poetry because it is subjective, but I'll try to explain my thought process behind this. The poem as a whole reflects how Beast Dazai only cares about achieving his goal at the cost of himself. It's heavily referring to self destruction, especially with the mentioning of comfort being collared, and values put on a leash. Beast is the culmination of things that the original Dazai wouldn't do under normal circumstances. If Beast Dazai really valued comfort, he wouldn't be working so hard to tear down the life he could've had in order to save one person. Conversely, you could argue that he is so eager to finally have comfort that he is willing to lose everything for it, but is it really comfort then? As for the values bit, he has to contradict behavior his original counterpart does in order to achieve his goals, even though they fail in the long run. Even after all this, he still does try to cling to the people he's pushed away during the course of his plans.

I don't have much else to say, really. It's midnight for me at the time I'm posting this, so Happy New Year. This is half 'poetry for the dtiys,' and half 'partially baked psychoanalysis on an anime man,' so I wouldn't take this too seriously, but I put effort into this.

I'm also self conscious since despite being an author, I'm nervous on being a poet. Anyways, first published poem on this site, let's goooo

[fallloverfic]

hey hey so glad to have found you on tumblr. it was a bit hard for me to find content creators for ennead on this site, oddly enough

i saw some of your ask me prompts and i was wondering if you could do 4 and 10?

Hello!! And welcome :3 Thank you for the ask!! And yeah, tumblr is very quiet for the fandom. Twitter, pixiv, Ao3, and instagram are far more hopping.

I think this is for the ENNEAD ask me meme, so I'll answer based on that!

4. Who is your favorite character (if you have one)?

Shockingly I know, after publishing 48 fanfics that star or otherwise feature him in some fashion... it is Seth alkdjaldja he is best boi for me. Sad man, angry man. Love him. He's beautiful, he's tragic, he's fun. I love the way Mojito is exploring so many things with him, whether it's suicidal ideation, self-destructive tendencies, self-blame for things that are out of your control, cycles of violence, anxiety, responsibility... Just a lot of things. I love his power set (no pun intended). Shapeshifter characters have been my favorites since I was little (big fan of werewolves and shifters generally, and always have been, pretty sure it's why The Little Mermaid and other similar stories about water people who can change their shape have always stuck with me), especially when they can like dissolve into particles and reform. And I love his relationship with Horus. He's also really smart and can be quite thoughtful and I love how creative he is. Also I love when he gets into Situations. Angsty, whumpy man.

Second place is Horus. I love him so much. He's gorgeous, he's such a fun character, and he's hilarious. And his wings are so gorgeous T-T He and Seth are so cute and I go feral whenever I see them.

I like most of the cast, though.

10. How do you think ENNEAD will end?

I don't have good luck with guessing what Mojito will do intentionally, so take this with a lot of grains of salt lol I do have some luck doing it unintentionally when I write things into fics with like, "This would be cool if it happened", and then it kind of does lol And I do have some luck guessing what she won't do, so. Anywho.

We know Horuseth is the endgame ship, so they'll end up together. I assume they'll rule Egypt together in some fashion or, worst case, go off into the sunset together. Seth will fully get his powers back and the curse will be resolved. I imagine whatever's going on with Hathor's mirror will also be resolved (I think Nephthys was split into two people, and she'll be recombined and get all her memories back, and I think Hathor did it to take revenge for Ra). I'm still on the fence for whether Horus will actually "ascend" properly or not, or what that'll look like. He's kind of a strange demigod (Nut calls him the "link between the gods and humankind" (S02E44)), so I wonder if he won't actually ascend/he already has. But his ascension might also just be different than other gods, at which point I think Isis will step aside and let him rule fully on his own, with her help as needed. He doesn't marry Hathor. She gets booted out of Heliopolis. I also don't personally think he's going to lose his memory. He could, but on top of the circumstances around the whole "ascension involves memory loss" thing being still kind of unclear and questionable, he's a special kind of demigod/god, and his power involves knowing things. I think he'll be fine.

I assume Osiris will be defeated in Duat in some fashion (possibly by Seth, Horus, Anubis, and maybe FG) and just be stuck down there, stewing (Mojito likes sticking to the original mythology in a lot of ways, and I don't think she'd like... perma-dissolve Osiris of all people), and he and Anubis will be on more of a balanced power stance, and just sort of share a power domain. I feel like part of ENNEAD's conclusion will involve Anubis leaving his control and just coming into his own power entirely. And he gets his memories of Seth back to some degree.

I assume FG will head home after/around when we learn his name and the Egyptians will be like "huh, well idk who that was, but whatever, I guess we'll keep an eye on [FG's home country], though." Which... if it's Greece or Rome... -cringes a little-

I also hope that Anubis will have a heavily implied partner of some kind. It's not gonna be Seth, and I don't really think it'll be Khnum, much as I love that ship (though I'm rooting for it fully and he's as likely as anyone), but it could be Isis, too. Mojito did do some Anubis/Isis art years ago. I just want him to not be so alone.

I think Isis, Seth, and Nephthys will reconcile to some degree. I don't know that they'll be very close, but I think they will be on speaking terms, though I honestly think Seth and Nephthys are the least likely of the group for this to happen with. It depends on whatever is actually happening with the mirror. Seth and Isis are already on the path to reconciliation. Nephthys is the only actually sort of static one.

If anyone would like to ask more questions, here's the meme again :D

(If this is for the fanfiction author ask me meme I linked, I can answer that one, too! I just didn't know which meme it was, and assumed based on context it was the ENNEAD one)

[boxoftheskyking]

I learned today that if you hit the Tab key while editing a Squarespace site, it'll make the whole thing crash and lose any unsaved work 💀💀💀

According to the forums it's been like that for at least a year with no fix

So, happy self destruct button I guess

[mudinyourshoes]

watching tale of the nine tailed because honestly screw christmas that's way and so far:

-rang, rang baby your bother shows up to the site of your massacre, starts crying, and then "executes" you but misses any vital organs. he's a immortal deity who obviously has a lot of experience killing people and you...you conclude that he was actually trying to kill you?! FOR REAL REAL?! REALSIES????? pls say sike

-if yeon was clear about what he did with rang, i'm pretty sure that would mean rang owed him a debt and since foxes always repay their debts, i'm guessing that's why yeon never cleared this up. because let's be real, yeon is screwed. he screwed himself when broke the rules to get ji-a reincarnated and so i'm pretty sure he's just protecting his brother by trying to keep him out of yeon self-made, self-destructive ✨problems✨

-i love that yeon isn't really looking for a "happily ever after". he's a realist in the sense that he's aware he fell in love with a mortal and that means he was always going to lose her. and he's obsessive anyway. fantastic A++

-on that note, i really like the world building that's happening around "how fucked in the head does living for thousands of years make you?" not just for yeon, but for all the supernatural creatures. rang...might actually be more sane than most because he's only a hundreds of years old (????) but even that might have broken him a bit lol

-ji-a is marvelous. she's smart, she's brave, she more than a little nuts. which is good because yeon is all kinds of nuts. they match. very nice.

-i do not understand ppl complaining about lack of chemistry in this.

-so far it's perfect?? it's got fantasy, mystery side plots, solid world building, friend and family relationships that feel real and important, and I would hate to meet any of the lead characters ever irl. so, that's perfect.

[lionews]

"people don't owe you shit. once you chase/sell/tree something the person who got the lion can do whatever the fuck they want with it. if they cared so much about that lion they wouldn't have chased it. hope this helps👍"

Yeah, you're technically right that people can do what they want with a lion on their account, but there's still a moral high ground. If the person who found the lion wanted to keep it and didn't want to participate in the bounty hunt that's cool, idc. I think the point here is that they chose to KILL a lion when they KNEW someone is willing to pay for it and wanted it back

Sure, that was well within their rights but ik I wouldn't want to interact with them on site because ig I have high standards for expecting human beings to show a certain level of tact and situational awareness to one another. What they did was just spiteful and self-destructive. Not to mention, they were willing to lose free money just so they could be an asshole.

.

[ballet-belle306]

~Please Prioritize Your Health~

Trigger Warning: weight loss and mention of ED

I just wanted to post because I know a lot of girls in the communities I'm involved in want the 'waif' body, and some accounts tend to glamorize the sickly thin look. I want to reiterate, some people have naturally very thin bodies, and there is nothing wrong with that. They deserve no more shame that those of us who are plus sized. But I've seen many pages that promote pro-ana things, and that's really concerning to me. You just look up weight loss on here, and it's all pro-ana rhetoric, and that's really not okay, especially on a site with young minds.

I just want to say, as an adult and someone who is on a major weight loss journey, I really want to emphasize how important it is to take care of yourself. You can get down to a healthy weight while still enjoying the food that you like, and you can feel good, too. I've lost quite bit of weight, and it's already made my body feel a lot more comfortable. No matter where you're starting, whether you want to lose 10 pounds or 100, there's healthy ways to do it. Please don't starve yourself, or give into that self-destructive drive in your brain. I know from experience that there's something alluring about giving into those dark sides in your mind, and I'm here to tell you that it's never worth it. Your health and happiness is worth so much more than you think you deserve. You're worthy of the self love that drives healthy habits and meets needs.

I can really only go off my own experience, so take some of this advice with a grain of salt.

Some pointers to losing weight healthfully;

Get a calorie counting app. I use Lose It, which I find to be really good. Make sure you find the verified items when logging. Some people input incorrect calorie information, and log calories as being more or less. Find an app where you can scan the items. Follow the guide it gives you; it's okay to be a little bit under or a little bit over. It's just a good way to figure out where you're at and what you need.

Find a good community for support. Whether it's friends, family, or an online community. Don't fall for pro-ana communities. There's a lot of them, and it's important to find communities that support healthy weight loss and healthy habits. These communities will tell you to regularly go below 900 calories, which is not healthy. 900 calorie diets are typically for extreme cases, typically people who are super morbidly obese (typically 300+ pounds) and are in emergency cases where they absolutely need to drop weight quickly. The least you should do is regularly around 1,100 calories, unless you're fasting. I may make another post on fasting by itself because while it's a healthy way to lose weight, there are dangerous ways people go about it.

On a similar note, do not fall for healthy at every size communities. These communities spread mass amounts of misinformation, and will shame you for trying to prioritize your health and lose weight in any way. You can be overweight and still be beautiful and just as amazing as anyone else, but this community is very dangerous, and is just as toxic as pro-ana communities.

Remember that mental health and bodily health coincide. If you have 50+ pounds to lose, there's a chance you have an unhealthy relationship with food. Working on your relationship with food is incredibly important in order to lose weight.

Forgive yourself if you fall off. Remember that if you slip up, you're not starting all over again. You're starting from experience. It's completely normal to slip up, and you should expect it to happen. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a self love journey, and forgiveness and acceptance is part of self love.

Practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism. Self criticism, if you're anything like me, might look like, "I have to do this because I'm a screwed up and I ruin everything". Self-compassion is more like, "I know I messed up, but I'm going to do better and make it right because I love myself and deserve better". Fixing your inner-monologue is incredibly important.

I hope this helps! Remember, you're taking care of yourself because you're worth it. You can be beautiful at any size, you can follow these trends at any size. Lose weight for you if you want to, but do it healthfully. <;3

[crones-trash]

Y'all know I have a fascination w books in the hands of people I follow on IG. The other day in her Insta feed, Aarika presented an open book.

Naturally, I zoomed in to see what I could be read.

Naturally, I felt sad about the sweet beauty not having found someone worthy of having an affair w/ her.

Then today Google proved its worth when I searched for "book with chapter title "A Love Affair with Yourself" & got the answer.

CODEPENDENT NO MORE

A couple of quotes from the blurb on the site stood out to me:  "...codependency—the concept of losing oneself in the name of helping another..." Damn. I've done that. Also, "Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to a loved one’s self-destructive behavior, you may be codependent."

After the disaster that was my second marriage, I didn't date anyone again for 6 years! Despite having a couple of years of therapy, it took that long for me to feel like risking my heart again.

Anyway, spin this new insight into Aarika's state of mind any way you please.

[pikkirat623]

Staind

What are your favorite Staind lyrics? Here’s some of mine…

“And it’s been awhile since I could

Look at myself straight

And it’s been awhile

Since I said I’m sorry

And it’s been awhile

Since I’ve seen the way the candles light your face

And it’s been awhile

But I can still remember just the way you taste”

- “Its Been Awhile”

“My life has slowly faded

Broken and degradated

Suffocate in my sorrow

Maybe I’ll die tomorrow

This riot that I’ve sited

Came to you uninvited

Truth hurts when it’s in your face

Are you afraid of it?”

- “Self-Destruct”

“But I’m on the outside

And I’m looking in

I can see through you

See your true colors

Cause inside you’re ugly

You’re ugly like me

I can see through you

See to the real you”

- “Outside”

“These are my words

That I’ve never said before

‘I think I’m doing okay’

And this is the smile

That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me cause I

I must be sleeping”

- “So Far Away”

“So this is it

I say goodbye

To this chapter of my ever-changing life

And there’s mistakes

The path was long

And I’m sure I’ll answer for them when I’m gone

When I���m gone”

- “Something to Remind You”

“I feel betrayed

Stuck on your ways

And you rip me apart

With the brutal things you say

I can’t deal with the shit any more

I just look away”

- “Mudshovel”

“My head is a barricade

Filled with peaceful thoughts and evil outcomes

No one understands

Try to break the barrier

I see no outlet

No one’s there to catch me when I fall”

- “Painful”

“Try to hold back

All the anger but it’s a trigger

And I can’t relax

Losing focus on the things you lack

So you push me

To the brink and I don’t know what is next”

- “Lowest in Me”

“Why can’t you just forgive me?

I don’t want to relive all the mistakes I’ve made

Along the way

But I always find a way

To keep you right here waiting

I always find the words to say

To keep you right here waiting”

- “Right Here”

“I am nothing more than

A little boy inside

That cries out for attention

Yet I always try to hide

Cause I talk to you like children

Though I don’t know how I feel

But I know I’ll do the right thing

If the right thing is revealed”

- “Epiphany”

“Cause I sit here locked inside my head

Remembering everything you said

The silence gets us nowhere

Gets us nowhere way too fast”

- “For You”

“So where were you?

With all this I was going through

You never took the time

To ask me just what you could do

I only know that I can change

Everything else just stays the same

So now I step out of

The darkness that my life became”

- “Fade”

“If you believe in me

Life’s not always what it seems

Believe in me

Cause I was made for chasing dreams”

- “Believe”

“I’m fucked up

Distorted

Dysfunctional and drained

All of my

Deep rooted

Fears seem to get the best of me”

- “Nameless”

“Cause I’m afraid to be alone

Afraid you’ll leave me when I’m gone

And I’m afraid to come back home”

- “Home”

“It’s kinda sick

I feel so dirty

I’m kinda tragic

Kinda insecure

But I know

That I’m the only

One who can fix

Whatever’s wrong I’m sure”

- “Just Go”

“The more you take

The more you blame

But everything still feels the same

The more you hurt

The more you scream

The price you pay to play the game

And all you see

And all you gain

And all you step on with no shame

There are no rules

No one to blame

The price to play the game”

- “Price to Play”

“I’m not very good at just paying attention

I’m not very good at remembering things

I’m not very good at pursuing redemption

I’m not very good at concealing the hand that I play

When I’m trying to hard just to beat you

I’m not really good at controlling my fate

I’m not really good at controlling my anger

I’m not really good at subduing my hate

I’m not really good

I’m not really good

I’m not really good”

- “The Way I Am”

“I’m not gifted

Slightly twisted

Try hard, try hard

To see if I can push you any further

Just to soothe me”

- “Suffocate”

“The thoughts from my mind

Command my lips to say I hate you

The thoughts from my mind

Command my hands to cut your silken flesh

The thoughts from my mind

Command my feet to stomp your head

The thoughts from my mind

Have one question

‘When will this ever end?’”

- “Four Walls”

“Now

It’s up to you

The path that you choose

Gotta do something different

Now

It’s all the same

No one to blame

Gotta do something different now”

- “Now”

“I just need this to feel alright

I can’t feel this another night

I can’t take this, I’ve come unglued

I might breakdown in front of you

Necessary to medicate

I’m not sleeping, can’t stay away”

- “Pressure”

“I’m two steps from salvation

But I’m only taking one”

- “Pardon Me”

“Well fuck that, and fuck him

And fuck her, and fuck you

For not having the strength in your heart to pull through

I’ve had doubts, I have failed

I’ve fucked up, I’ve had plans

Doesn’t mean I should take my life with my own hands”

- “Waste”

“Tell me please

Who the fuck did you want me to be?

Was it something that I couldn’t see?

Never knew this would be so political

And please

I’m still wearing this miserable skin

And it’s starting to tear from within

But it’s obvious that doesn’t bother you

So please

Don’t keep telling me that it’s okay

I don’t buy all the shit that you say

And quite honestly I’m fucking sick of it

So please

If I cut off this nose from my face

Then I wouldn’t feel so out of place

But it still wouldn’t be quite enough for you

So please”

- “Please”

“I walk alone

I am alone

I think alone

I’ll die alone

Don’t think I can make it on my own

I think I need someone to save me

Such is life

So sad but true

Kill everything that’s close to you

Try to decide what not to do

You know you cannot control me”

- “Break”

“I already told you

That falling is easy

It’s getting back up

That becomes the problem

Becomes the problem

If you don’t believe

You can find a way out

You’ve become the problem

Become the problem”

- “Falling”

“What the fuck’s the purpose

I didn’t scratch the surface

Immune to what you’re saying

All alone decaying

Everything’s on fire

Darkness, lone desire

Quiet in my corner

Building up the border”

- No One’s Kind”

“Never again

Trusted in you

Fuck everything that you think I should be

I stand

Never again

Never again”

- “Can’t Believe”

“Well I know the words

But I can’t really speak them

To you

And I hide all the pain

That I’ve gained with my wisdom

From you

And I’m eaten alive

By what I hold inside

All the things that I live with

I can’t easily hide

And I’m left here with nothing

Nothing to live for

But you”

- “Excess Baggage”

“The weight of your sorrow

Make some paper wings and learn to fly

If there’s no tomorrow

Burn your paper wings and say goodbye”

- “Paper Wings”

“Sometimes when you’re out of rope

The way to climb back up’s unclear

The walls you build around yourself

I guess they also keep you here

Are you afraid of what they think?

Whoever ‘they’ happen to be

Or are you hiding from

The scars of your own reality”

- “Reality”

“I try and try to break away from all the hate I’m feeling

From every one of you that’s ever done me wrong

I need to justify the reasons for the way I’m living

I guess I can’t cause I don’t feel like I deserve”

- “Change”

“But if you had told me when I was much younger

That life has a way of pulling you right under

I wouldn’t be standing here preaching my hate

Stand at the edge staring into my fate”

- “See Thru”

“A piece of glass

In the sand under your feet

It cuts you deep

And makes you hate the beauty that you see

And you wonder where you are

How you ever got so far

Now you question what went wrong

It’s your heart”

- “Raining Again”

“The pictures left with me won’t fade

These images affect me every day

Cause of you I feel I don’t deserve

The life I see in her”

- “Raw”

“Should I be afraid of the voice that I see?

In the mirror staring back at me

So cold we’re the days when I listened to you

And you say that I’m weak so show me the proof

Because I still exist in spite on you

But I won’t compete with you every day”

- “Schizophrenic Conversations”

“Late at night I can hear your voices

Talking shit about all my choices

You would think that you’ve known me forever

Just because you know my name”

- “Crawl”

“Yesterday

A boy and already afraid

Locked deep inside

My place to hide

To hide from how you make me feel

And I wonder

How’s your brother?

Did he end up fucked up like me?

Lost in himself?

Crying for help?

It’s safe to say”

- “Yesterday”

“I always fail to see

The little things in front of me

The things that mean so much to you

A way to let you know

That I appreciate

The way you always tolerate

But sometimes when I medicate

Frustrations in you

Shows me how you feel”

- “Devil”

“All the demons in my head won’t leave me

I know, I can hear them

All the sacrifices made for nothing

Don’t show, can’t believe in

Wanna show you that I’m good for something

I can, you won’t let me

All your artificial words won’t heal me

Because you can’t accept me”

- “ A Flat”

“So there’s the corner that I sat on

The road I walked home in the rain

And there’s the star I used to wish on

It all just seems like yesterday”

- “The Corner”

“I’ll meet you at the bottom

The waves can’t wash away all the scars you bare

See you at the bottom

Just hold on to the things that keep you there”

- “The Bottom”

“Yeah, like the day that your guardian angel decided to fly away

Yeah, like a bruise that doesn’t fade

Yeah, like a memory that tortures your soul until your dying day

Yeah, like the life you couldn’t save”

- “Failing”

“I wish that I could disappear

Unzip my skin and leave it here

So I could be no one again

I’d never let nobody

I’d let nodboy

I’d let nobody in”

- “Blow Away”

“But everything that I could say to you

Won’t help you

Everything you need is right in front of you

Just take it

Try to make it through the daily pain

That you feel

Maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad

I know it”

- “Take It”

“I’ve learned

That this life’s not just a game

Just a line

Between the pleasures and the pain”

- “Fray”

“Everyone plays the hand they’re dealt

And learns to walk through life itself

Not everything in life is handed on a plate

When people think your words are true

It doesn’t matter what you do

I sold my soul to get here

How about you?”

- “How About You”

“What’s happened to you?

It’s obvious you’ve changed

Something deep inside you

Is probably to blame

Must be lonely up there

With your head all in the clouds

Even though you got there

What does your conscience tell you now?”

- “Falling Down”

“The truth is that I’m not so good

At showing how I feel

Or keeping my mouth shut

When there’s something to conceal

Or knowing how to love

Love’s not in my memory

How can I rise above

All my insecurities?”

- “Run Away”

“You

You understand my pain

From this I gather strength

In that we are the same”

- “Reply”

“Thank you to the people in my life

For putting up with me

Thank you for the time you sacrificed

All on account of me

For all the times I didn’t say”

- “Intro”

“I hate myself for you

I break myself for you

I’d kill myself for you

I better save myself from you

Every time you want me to be

Something you could never be

You’ll just have to wait and see

Til the next time that you have to come again”

- “Come Again”

“You before me

I can’t take any more

Of what you have to offer

My ears are sore

Leave my feelings

In a heap by the door

Can’t go up any further

Come crashing back down”

- “Question?”

I do not own or claim ownership of any lyrics posted here

[sometimesiammybpd]

hi everyone. long time no see. i know the past week has been devastating for a lot of people, me included. and i might still make a post on my feelings about what happened, what's to come, all of that stuff.

not today though.

it's not something i really want to talk about for a while. all i want to is ignore it for as long as i can. and yeah, that's not a great move. i know. but i can't take it right now. i was ready to kill myself should he have won because of just . . . so much. but that's not the point. i swear that's not the point of this post.

i've been working on a lyrical song for a few years now and it's something i've wanted to share. i was originally going to write a post about the entire ep i'm trying to make (and i will at some point), but then i remembered how much this song means to me. and how much it wouldn't be fair to just group it in a post of 5-6 songs and be like "well, it exists" and then move on. i want to give it the post it deserves, imo. the song is called (in its current state)

"i'd like to return the trauma and i have the receipt." it used to be called nothing ever changes. i will explain why and what the song is about, but the current title is 100% based on early fall out boy titles. the entire ep's titles are based on that era. anyways, this song started out of an idea i had with a friend. i believe i mentioned this in a separate post, but the friend (will, fake name) knew how to play guitar and i had always wanted to make proper guitar-driven music. at the time, pop-punk specifically. so i went to will and proposed the idea of like an album or a couple songs where he did the instrumental and i did the lyrics and singing. mainly because at the time, i couldn't play a single instrument that would be helpful besides keys. he agreed and was even really excited about the idea. so he was completely on board with helping me. and while i had a bunch of half-baked ideas for songs, this one was the first one that came to me and it was the only one that really felt real.

the song is a story between two characters:

the singer: the toxic main character who is incredibly self-destructive. they know they're toxic and refuse to do anything about it which eventually drives everyone away. they also have the tendency to blame others for things they've done. the friend: i'm labeling this as a single friend but it's really an abstract to represent everyone in this person's lives. they're the person who talks at the start of the song and they're the one who tries and tries to get the singer to understand what they're doing (which is an exercise in insanity).

from the start, i knew i wanted this back and forth. because in the original version of the song, it started with the singer feeling sorry for themselves and also being way more self-aware than what should actually be the case. and honestly, i only now really got the characters to sound how i want. because it's supposed to represent me and my friends. that's why this song means so much to me. because it was only a few years ago (at the time of writing) that i was that person refusing to change while everyone around me was trying to do it for me. here's the original lyrics for the intro and verse:

[intro] falling deeper with the shovel in hand popping pills for the pain like it’ll fix the reason why  it’s dreadful to wake up until the grave site is found reach for the shovel and bury me alive

[verse 1] it's never ending, rip me out of the past get me out of my lies ‘cause i know the reason why everything fell apart, everyone is gone the blood from their wrists seals our fate in their eyes endless eternity, sentenced to suffering run through the memories, is it worth uncovering? insecurity, faded apologies weak enough to survive, no courage to die

what's ironic is at this point in the song's development, i had paragraphs of text trying to define the story so i wouldn't lose it. even though it doesn't at all convey what i want. but to be fair, it took me longer than i want to admit to realize what i really wanted. and i kinda see that as because when i first started working on myself and trying to change, i tried to ignore a lot of what made me need to change and pretend it was still working. somehow. and i think it weirdly gets reflected in this song. because instead of feeling like it's written by someone who's learned from them doing the same stuff, it feels like it's instead written by someone who just wants you to feel sorry for them. i mean don't get me wrong, some lyrics i wrote at this point were fire. (i.e. the blood from their wrists seals our fate in their eyes.)

when it came to the chorus and then the introduction of the other side, it fell apart more in terms of the story.

[chorus] secondhand solutions before the execution you’ve run out of excuses, no more places to hide replay the greatest hits, take a seat it’s starting living without a soul, pretending to be whole tearing out the pages, setting the world aflame taking everyone down, treating it as a game deja vu or insanity, it’s all the same anyways look through the mirror, can you still see yourself?

first off, i love that last line to a point that i'm still using some form of it now. secondly, in hindsight the chorus feels like you don't know who's POV it's supposed to be in. because if it's the singer, it's more pity party. but if it's the other person (which is not who it's supposed to be yet), they're already just hard hitting like none of this matters. which i didn't want either. keep in mind that again, it took a year for me to see this how i see it now. verse two though is where i stopped and it's for the better for the original version. there's also beef that happened here that caused the song to fail, but it's not important. either way, verse two is the proper introduction of the friend(s). in this original version, i for some ungodly reason tried to write it where every line it swapped who was talking. green day did it well in extraordinary girl because it wasn't in whatsername or jos's POV, but referring to them. it did not work as well here.

[verse 2] it's not us against them, we're living in their world they'll remove you with no trace, they’ll put you in your place you've made your decisions like a queen to her castle her time is running out, a storm she brought about you're changing the story! you're trying to deceive me! you'll take everyone away and all you do is betray you see all the chaos as the revolution begins a forced smile on your face, going down as a disgrace

for the sake of distinction, the bold lines are the friend. i don't know. i never really liked the singer's lyrics in this part. because this fully felt like bad defensive mechanisms. and it's obvious enough what i WANTED here. i wanted it to be the idea of the singer blaming others. "it's not my fault! it's yours! i'm fucking perfect. YOU'RE the problem!" y'know, that kind of mentality. and i got it a lot better in the second version. but it just didn't work here. i did very much like the metaphor of calling the singer a disgraced queen watching her kingdom burn to the ground because of her actions. but my issue i had with the way i wrote the friend initially is that i wrote it with the wrong emotion in mind.

i want (and eventually got it there) the friend to be frustrated. not angry, but frustrated. maybe even upset. because this is supposed to be someone close to the singer who had put more of their time into trying to fix the singer than mc has themselves. and the main goal has always been trying to communicate that it's only too late when either you shut the window / door yourself, or you outright destroy it. and i just didn't communicate that well. eventually though, the song got put on the cutting room floor and it remained that way for a while. until i decided one day that i wanted to give it another go. i knew the song meant a lot to me and i went fuck it, i wanna finish it.

so the first thing i did was rewrite pretty much all of the lyrics. i also added a new intro. at this point, i had just really started getting into green day. ESPECIALLY american idiot, so i got inspired by letterbomb and wanted to have my song open on a voicemail left by the friend. and this is what really got me to see how much i misunderstood my own characters and story. and i wanna make something known. most of what is said about the singer in the intro (regardless of version) was based on either real things people have said to me or things i've heard about me but wasn't said to my face directly. which yeah, makes it raw. but it also makes it more genuine in the end, which is what i want. this was the original opening.

[intro] have you ever considered that we're not the problem and that you are? like do you ever think about how much you hurt people or is that really something that never crosses your mind?  you're toxic and manipulative.  you're emotionally abusive. you’ve destroyed so many people.  you’re so fucking judgmental.  just leave us alone. keep our names out of your mouth. we're better off without you.

i liked it until i didn't. not even kidding, i went to go listen to it one day and that's when it hit me that it didn't fit. it didn't work. i just didn't get why for a while. i had half the solution, if you will lol. but my biggest issue with this one is just how aggressive it felt. it didn't feel like the character i wanted. which is ironic with where i took it. here's version two of the opening.

have you ever considered the weight of your actions that you keep ignoring? do you ever think about how much you hurt people or is your fragile ego too big to notice anyone else? you constantly say you want things to be different and yet you expect it to happen without needing to put in ANY of the effort. it’s so fucking tiring. don’t you get that? you're toxic and manipulative.  you're emotionally abusive. you’re so fucking judgmental.  and what’s worse is that no one can say anything about the things you’re doing because you’re “too fragile” to handle it. you make everyone feel so bad for you that they let themselves suffer for your benefit. just.  just leave us alone. keep our names out of your mouth. we're better off without you.

again, it just was going in the wrong direction. more angry, more aggressive, which is not what i want. and after a few months of letting it lay, i went back and took one more shot at it. and this one got it exactly how i wanted it.

your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system. at the tone, please record your message. when you are finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options hey, it’s me.  i know it’s been a while since we spoke and i’m sure you don’t want to hear from me... and that’s fine. i just. i’ll be honest.  i’m not calling on the best terms and i want to make that clear. cause it’s not like we haven’t heard what you’ve been saying. we’re not trying to be spiteful or hateful towards you. we never have. we all cared about you and wanted the best for you. it’s not on us that you pushed us away or that you became emotionally abusive. it’s not on us that you can’t accept responsibility. take that how you will and get mad if you have to. just . . . just leave us alone. if you aren’t going to change, at least let us move on. we don’t want anything to do with you anymore. why is that so hard for you to understand?

this to me is perfect. because it finally captures the friend i was trying to capture. one that isn't angry, per se, but very frustrated and upset. and it finally set the story in the right direction too. it genuinely felt so fucking good to type "why is that so hard for you to understand?" and know it was done. and while it didn't go in order, even the original intro gave me confidence to try my hand at the lyrics again. and the ones i wrote made the singer the character i originally described to you finally.

[verse 1] have you considered the problems you went and introduced hold my head underwater, take me through the abuse you want to put it all out there, well now’s your chance pull the trigger, blow my brains out, take your final stance slit your wrists for attention, avoid the interventions act all high and mighty, give out endless conditions write your goodbye in blood, hang yourself from the ceiling i hope you pray to god, i hope it loses all meaning

this is also the reason why i started the first two versions with "have you considered" because i thought it would be cool to have the singer literally twist those words against them for no reason. i don't really know how i'd do that now, but that's fine. these are 100% what i wanted though. i wanted the singer to be noticeably in the wrong. i wanted to make it that you weren't supposed to feel sorry for them. that from the start, all they seem to care about is taking others down with them. and lyrics like "slit your wrists for attention, act all high and mighty, i hope it loses all meaning, etc., do exactly that. and i finally got the chorus where i wanted it to be now too.

[chorus 1] there's no winners in war, we all come out with trauma losing choices like limbs, won't make it home to your momma don’t tell me you’re fine, look at what you’ve done stop telling me what i want to hear  and hoping that i'll just fucking disappear it's not that easy, you can't get rid of me  cause i'm not like you, i don't live in misery

again, the singer playing defensive for no reason. the biggest problem i've had honestly is trying to figure out how the other person comes in. what they would even say. because i wanted the biggest thing to be obvious that they're done. they don't want to even think of this person anymore and having to have any form of contact with them makes it worse. i have the friend come in with this line as the post-chorus. just one line.

[post-chorus] when you look in the mirror, do you see yourself?

and then they come in fully. instead of doing a back and forth, it's just them for verse 2.

[verse 2] how many times do you want to play this game with your endless lies, hoping for fame cause we cannot keep following your insanity take it personally, it’s not a tragedy

these are very much still to be finished lyrics. so things could and probably will change. but it's a lot closer to where i want it to be. i'm really hoping to finish this song one day and share it to y'all. my end goal is to have someone else sing half the song so it actually feels like more than just one person. and of course, make it the right feel.

uhhhh, anyways. enough yapping :3

[forgetyoursingalongsandlullabies]

I shouldn’t have checked my phone when I accidentally woke up. Now I’m fucking depressed and won’t go back to sleep. Trump hasn’t officially won yet but he has won. And I don’t know what to do. This feels so horrifying and dangerous for so many people. I know that I will probably be ok but I don’t care about just myself. I am most scared for trans people right now, my brother is trans so that’s the main thing on my mind above everything else but..

I am so scared for all people who aren’t white because Trump’s hate empowers the hate of others and racism is going to run rampant. I’m Filipino and Mexican, but sometimes I can pass as white. So that makes me safer? Yes. Because some people have no way to hide even if hiding isn’t something they’d ever try to do.

I’m scared for people who can get pregnant because we’ve already lost so many reproductive rights and even if Trump leaves it up to the states it can only get far worse before it gets better. I’m safer in this aspect only in the way that I live in New York where abortion is accessible. I’m very honest on this site that I’m a survivor of rape and I’m immensely lucky to have been living in California when it happened and that it happened when Roe v. Wade was still upheld. I can’t imagine the pain of someone who doesn’t have the rights to take care of themselves should anything at all occur that requires an abortion. There are people also, who do very much want children who will not be safe to get pregnant because any complications could lead to a hospital choosing a fetus over the life of the person carrying it.

I’m scared that the rights of Queer people will be stripped away. Marriage equality, adoption rights, discrimination, a rise in hate crime… I’m scared for trans people who are being so openly targeted right now. For trans children who are being focused on so closely. I can’t think too hard on how many will be hurt by Trump’s words and actions without crying. How many will face horrendous treatment, how many will closet themselves out of self-preservation, how many will face violence, how many will lose hope?

I’m scared for immigrants, and Jewish people and Muslims.

I’m probably forgetting demographics of people, not because I don’t care about them but because there is too much fear to be able to see its extent all at once.

How could this many people vote for someone that can cause this much fear and destruction? He is a convicted felon, a facist and a rapist. Some people voted for him because they are prejudiced and this is everything they want. What is more upsetting is that some people voted for this man because they knew all of this and they just don’t care about anyone but themselves. I can almost understand people who are just plain evil voting for another evil but to think of all the people who I might otherwise see as basically good who actually only care about themselves and would condemn this many other people for the sake of whatever they think they can get out of this for themselves? It’s so horrifying and disheartening.

I don’t want to go to protests and put myself on the line. I’m scared. But I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever I have to do.

I’m just so sad and scared that we’re here.

[sondersketches]

Sonder Sketches (May X/June 15, 2024), Prompt: Harmony

This is a digital sketch/painting done using an oil paint brush and a pen brush. It was drawn in the free version of the Tayasui Sketches app on Android with a generic phone stylus, for a prompt from the Sketch a Day app/site that provides daily drawing prompts and has a generally harmonious community.

The prompt was "harmony," but I was close to the deadline for losing my streak progress (Sketch a Day gives in-app achievements for maintaining a streak and entering art every day) and very tired and couldn't actually draw. Luckily, old art can still be submitted as long as it's your own. So I found this piece from some time in May and, like the owl creature I submitted for the "raptor" prompt, presented these little nudibranchs in the sea as my "harmony" sketch. They give me a sense of peaceful relaxation when I look at them, and they seem harmonious as they float together in the kelp forest and the lazy sunlight. I actually drew them as a Random Shape exercise, seeing what I could form out of random shapes, and the first time I tried to save the image the colors got inverted somehow. I only submitted the non-inverted version with the light pink nudibranchs, but the dark blue ones also exist. The motion lines are more clear in the inverted version, so you can tell the creatures are swimming, but the whiskers and the work I did lowering the opacity and layering my (still digital, of course) brush strokes to make soft sunlight both come across better in the non-inverted version.

Both versions lack detail, but they're so gentle and endearing that I can't bring myself to think very negatively about my work in this piece. It's just relaxing. Cute. Harmonious. I like my little nudibranchs. I like their wiggly lines and peaceful, simple expressions. I like their whiskers and the softness of the kelp around them that's different from the softness of the light warming them. It feels like one of those soothing sections in a nature documentary, and I enjoy that so much I don't want to go looking for flaws to balance things out. I'm sure I saw some when I drew it, and I'm sure I'll see them again -- but at the time of making this post, I want to let this be a wholly positive piece of art with no self-criticism of either the constructive or destructive forms involved.

Overall, it's one of my favorite pieces I've drawn. I actually have it as my phone background to try and remind me to take breaks and relax and be like these peaceful creatures when I can.

[the-masked-ram]

Forever Captured- Overhaul x Aizawa BNHA Commission

This is a commission of a dark ship between Overhaul x Aizawa from bnha for someone on another site (I don't think I uploaded it to this blog, either that or tumblr ate it, all good possibilities) Aizawa is younger than Overhaul in this AU both are of age (aizawa at 18)

Please be aware of CW- nsfw, noncon leading to dubcon, drugging, quirk abuse, torture, mild slow burn, m/m, age gap, mind break, abduction, obsession

---

Darkness ate at his mind, cancerous, parasitic, deadly. It was a never-ending spiral of self-imposed death as his own hatred for the world devoured not only everything surrounding him, but also himself. Aizawa was not sure when the other shoe truly dropped. He knew what caused it, he knew losing Shirakumo was the first push of his self-destruct button. But there were multiple other things that had caused his fall to the other side. His friends, his family, his teachers, they had noticed, they had seen the way he withdrew into himself further and further until he resembled an animal waiting to snap. But even though they reached out with friendly hands and soothing words, he just threw himself away from them. He didn’t want help, he wanted to wallow within the shadows swallowing his mind. He wanted to step further into the murk waiting for him and promising revenge and safety in his anger. So, he did, he let it consume him until he eventually fell off the grid. Until all he knew was the darkness he was chasing and the vengeance he required. Hatred for the heroes that so nobly chose tried to save the world from the very villains they created, bloomed within his chest until he was dragged down from petty crime to villainy.

The only thing that made sense to him, the thing that would save the world from its convoluted balance was to erase the root of it all. Quirks. Quirks created it all, and the only way to stop the corruption was to somehow remove them. Not that he knew how, but a hand found him in the fog of confusion and anger, a young man who wore only gloves and a facemask. A man with shimmering gold eyes filled with confident calculations, who promised to show the teenage Aizawa how to traverse the winding pathways that he had become lost in. Shota first met his metaphorical savior in an alleyway, where the rain pelted him, and his clothes clung to his body like a second skin. He huddled under an overhang, clutching a rice ball he had managed to afford, in his filth covered hands. He could have stayed with his friends, at school, in his old life and been comfortable. But there was freedom here, even on the streets he at least knew he wasn’t lying and contributing to a cause that was tearing down the world. He didn’t know where he was going yet, but he knew he could hold on until he found it. He took a bite of his dinner, eyes focused firmly on the crowd of naïve civilians passing in front of him, resolutely avoiding his eyes. All except one. A tall lanky man, his hands deep in his pockets and face half covered by a surgical mask, but really what was most important was visible. The sharp gaze of his golden eyes, when they landed on Shota, he shivered from fear. It was like within seconds that unnamed man was stripping him of every defense he’d ever had.

Shota tried to recoil farther against the brick behind him, even as he refused to drop the other man’s stare. “Such a filthy little creature,” the man said once he was within earshot, his voice offended. “What did you say?!” Aizawa bristled. “I said you’re filthy, which, you are,” his head tilted, and he quirked a fine brow. “But it looks as if the world has thrown you away. I will never abandon you, if you join me. You will help me relieve the world of the dirt.”

He paused for a moment, seeming hesitant, before extending a gloved hand. There was determination in his eyes, but it was tainted with a mixture of disgust crinkling his brow. Shota stared at that outstretched hand, at the stranger who insulted him, but who also offered him something that seemed untouchable. Something that he had been thirsty for the last few months and as he wavered, that hand pressed a little closer and those eyes grew sharper. “You shouldn’t call people dirty,” Aizawa reprimanded and yet his hand gripped the one in front of him like a lifeline. “Hm, I only said the truth,” the man said, tilting his chin at the filthy stains on the teenager’s clothes.

Aizawa didn’t dignify that with a response, instead releasing the handshake and pushing himself to his feet. He was confused, a feeling of elation had filled him for a few moments, but now he was back to disorientation and emptiness other than the roiling hatred waiting for him in the depths of his mind. He needed someone to lead him, someone to show him what to do, and he wasn’t sure if that’s what he expected of this man now that he had ‘supposedly’ joined his cause. Shota had never felt so uncertain, usually he led his life with confident steps and movements. But usually, he had a reason and a clear path laid in front of him. Though he knew what he didn’t want, he wasn’t sure how to achieve his current desires. “You should introduce yourself to people when you meet them,” the man eyed him critically once again. “My name is Aizawa. Though… you didn’t introduce yourself either,” Shota said probably more petulantly than he meant to. There was a tick that happened in the man’s cheek, but Shota couldn’t tell if it was from annoyance or if he was smiling.

“You can call me Overhaul for now.” Shota frowned at him, definitely a villain name. “Come,” Overhaul said shortly, glancing over his shoulder as he turned away. Aizawa stood, following behind the older man like a lost little duckling imprinting on a new mother. He didn’t know where he was going and though he was curious, he felt questions wouldn’t be welcome. So instead, he stayed silent, staring down at his feet for most of the walk until they stopped in front of a car. It was impossibly shiny, and a man stood waiting for the two, immediately opening the door to let them inside off the curb. The inside smelled like leather and Shota was strangely aware of how dirty he was compared to his surroundings. Yet he still felt like he should care more when he rested back against the smooth seat.

Overhaul didn’t seem to care, however he did sit further away from the teenager than Aizawa thought to be necessary. Though the man did wear gloves and a mask constantly. Even when he settled in the corner against the door, he didn’t remove them. Instead, he rested his chin against his knuckles and squinted out the side window. “Back home, boss?” the man asked when he slid inside behind the wheel. “Yes, Kurono,” Overhaul responded, his golden eyes meeting the stare of the masked man’s. “Yes, sir,” he said while he smoothly pulled away from the sidewalk. The ride was painfully quiet, and though silence didn’t normally bother Shota, this time it seemed heavy, uncomfortable. He had questions he wanted answered still, he kept catching Kurono’s head shift minutely as he stared in the mirror, likely looking at him. Overhaul seemed not to be worried though, he was murmuring to himself as he scrolled through something on a laptop he’d pulled out from beneath the front seat.

His words were completely incomprehensible and with that, plus the way his eyes manically flicked over the lines, Aizawa assumed he’d agreed to ally with a crazy man. He pursed his lips to the side as he watched the other man bend over the computer and type something out. “Is this person joining the Shie Hassakai?” Aizawa’s eyes darted up and widened at a name that was only known too well. Something that had slowly been growing once again if the gossip was anything to go by. “Yes,” Overhaul answered shortly, glancing over to the boy next to him. “Why?” Kurono hissed under his breath. “Don’t question me,” Overhaul reminded quietly, and his underling flinched. “Sorry sir.”

But Aizawa wondered, something niggled in the back of his mind, something pressed and wound around his lungs, snagging tight and whispering that perhaps this meeting was too chance? But he wanted this, he said yes. He wanted to be here, didn’t he? His mind swirled in endless confusion and so he wallowed in it, letting the deep thick darkness of hate and anger slide over him once again because it was safe. He didn’t have to think when he was this furious and this driven.

This man next to him, no matter how shady and insane, offered him a world of opportunities he would never have on his own. Following Overhaul would mean being able to find his revenge. He knew it. That niggling little piece of logic could be shoved once again, far back into its little box, where he’d never see it again. With the tension growing in intensity the longer the drive went on, Aizawa drew further into his thoughts. The memory of losing his friend, of the lies told, played out behind his eyelids and his frown slowly deepened. But it had been on an endless loop for months, he didn’t question the living nightmare his consciousness now forced himself in all hours of the day. He looked to the side as his skin prickled and met the molten stare of Overhaul, he was once again lounging in his seat, the laptop nowhere to be seen and his frenetic energy once again minimal. Still the heat behind his eyes glowed with the passion he had shown before, only this time it was directed at Shota. Aizawa shifted under his stare. “We are approaching,” Kurono said, as if oblivious to the shiver-inducing atmosphere clouding the car. Perhaps this sort of energy was normal with his boss, he exhaled, and it shook with the way his chest relaxed into the movement. The car moved into a complex, driving toward an underground garage. The cool shadows soothed the ache in Aizawa’s eyes, and he blinked them appreciatively.

The door opened and he checked to see Overhaul already stepping out, only glancing back for half a second to motion with a jerk of his chin to hurry the teen along. Aizawa huffed out a sigh and pushed to slide out the car quickly, hurrying behind the long strides of the man in front of him. He easily felt so much smaller compared to the confident aura this man projected, Overhaul seemed to know just where he was going and what he wanted. Shota wanted that; he’d had that before. Oboro’s death really had flipped his entire world on its head, he wondered how Mic was, he wondered if his own death was still being mourned. The smell of bleach and lemon assaulted Aizawa’s nose as he walked into the compound. Cool air circulated the hallway and bright lights that chased away every shadow on the red and white walls. The interior design seemed to be based on traditional Japanese architecture that had been twisted into something modern.

It was both perverse and breathtaking, and Aizawa felt his skin crawl. He looked uncertainly to the man he had stupidly followed here. Hadn’t he been told not to follow strangers when they offered things suspiciously looking like candy? A new lease on life was definitely candy-shaped in the teen’s opinion. Yet, he still followed Overhaul’s steps, doggedly, walking behind his black clad shoulders and lanky frame with a false trust because he wasn’t sure he was allowed to show uncertainty here. Instead, he allowed his eyes to wander discreetly, taking in his surroundings as he walked past and breathing calmly. “You will meet the others later tonight,” Overhaul said decisively. Shota pursed his lips but instead just calmly voiced his first question since the streets, “There are others?” His host merely hummed in agreement, stopping in front of a room and opening the door to guide Shota inside with a sweeping motion. “You will stay in this room until tonight’s meeting. No leaving,” there was that commanding tone again, paired with those narrow golden eyes and Aizawa once again avoided arguing. His jaw twitched as the door clicked shut behind Overhaul, it was a decisive sound, not necessarily loud but it reminded him of the man who’d caused it. Calm, confident, and so quiet it was deafening. Aizawa paced in the small room, it wasn’t uncomfortable, it had a bed, a floral design that melded seamlessly in the kanji used for the Shie Hissakai. But the space was even more clinical than the rest of the building he had walked through. The walls were white and the light, though it came from a wall sconce, was annoyingly bright and made Shota’s already tired eyes ache.

He sat down on the chair next to the small desk and thought, finally allowing rational consciousness back in now that he wasn’t anxious and next to likely a murderer. He was in the hideout of Shie Hissakai, a place most heroes would give their left arm to infiltrate. But he was joining them, even if he wanted out there was no way he would be allowed to leave alive, and to be honest, even though Overhaul set him on edge, he had nothing waiting for him in back in society. He didn’t want to be a part of a place filled with manipulation, built on lies, and that craved the blood of the innocent while pretending to live for the good of others. At least here he knew what he was getting. Then, finally, it all clicked, he knew what he wanted, he wanted to take apart society at its roots, remove quirks, remove heroes, and abolish the corruption of the government. He wanted freedom, perhaps even chaos if that meant he could get his revenge. And he realized he would stop at nothing to get that. He thought he knew what he wanted before, but now it all seemed so logical to want to stop the corruption, before it was fueled by hatred but now it was a dangerous combination of anger, logic, and possibly insanity. And Aizawa was ultimately ok with that. There was a strange calm that settled over Shota, the comfort in knowing he had made a decision about where he was going and what he would hopefully get, soothed his nerves. It was like a loose promise that hung above him, and Aizawa stared at it with desperation and hope. He spent the time waiting for someone to pull him out of this strangely claustrophobic room by staring at the wall and willing himself to grab a nap. He knew he had at least an hour or two, a thirty-minute nap would be safe. But his nerves were frazzled, and his brain was running a mile a minute. He felt like he was walking a knife’s edge, just waiting to misstep and feel the cut. He wasn’t sure how long he had stared at the white paint and picture decorating his supposedly new room. But he must have zoned out because before he was aware a confident knock sounded against his door. They didn’t wait for him to answer, whether vocally or physically, instead the door was swinging in before he had even turned his head completely, exposing the man known as Kurono. Shota frowned at the masked man but chose to bite back the complaint on his tongue, instead asking, “Is it time?” Kurono nodded. The whole scene was uncomfortably morbid and made it seem as if Aizawa was walking to his death. Which to be honest he wasn’t sure if that was true or not. The strange and sudden change in his circumstances was not promising when it came to his safety. His hands found his pockets and the slouch of his back pronounced as he followed Kurono with a purse plumping his lips. His eyes once again skittered over the décor, taking note of the lack of guidance, how everything looked just similar enough to confuse him. He assumed it was on purpose. That anyone new who was running through the compound would get lost within seconds because they wouldn’t notice that on this door there was a slightly different shape to that square, or the shade of red was a touch different in this hallway than it was in that one. To be honest it made his skin crawl, made him annoyingly aware of the fact that he would be one of those lost to the building’s walls if he ever needed to escape. Each step, each turn they took, drew them deeper into the seemingly endless twisting halls of the place that had offered him sanctuary. Shota wondered if it would ever end or perhaps this was his new lease on life, if he now was doomed to forever walking in corridors that always looked slightly the same and yet slightly different.

“We are here,” Kurono commented bluntly. One of the only open doors he’d seen welcomed Aizawa forward, inside sat an old man, Overhaul, and several young men. The old man wore a traditional set of kimonos, the silk brushing the floor around him as it lay open widely at his chest and legs to let him breathe and sit comfortably, a simple white cloth protecting his modesty underneath. Shota could not see the full design on the back, but it had some sort of flower imprinted on it and kanji. The rest of the men wore suits and simple black dress shirts. It was obvious just from his garb let alone his place at the head of the table, that the old man was the most important in the room. Aizawa was certain the bow he offered was inappropriate from the way some of the men scoffed. But when he looked up the man was smiling warmly, and Overhaul had that crinkle to his eye that Shota could never place.

“Oyassan,” Overhaul said with a deep bow, something that seemed elegant in his long frame but awkward for his domineering nature. “I present to you my new kobun, Aizawa, Shota Aizawa. From this day forward he will bear the mantle of the Shie Hassakai proudly.” For a moment Aizawa felt a flicker of frown cross his face as Overhaul used his first name as well, completely unwelcome, and he carefully schooled his features back to neutral. He had agreed to this as soon as he gave Overhaul the time of day. But still he felt like he had been blindsided too, and though he kept reminding himself of how comfortable he had been earlier with his decision, now having it declared openly to a Kumicho scared the ever-living-shit out of Shota. He felt his finger twitch as the man’s eyebrow rose just a second after he frowned. Shota knew that man had seen, knew that the leader himself understood the warring emotions within the teen. He swallowed heavily, and forced himself to step forward, bow similarly to both the Kumicho and to Overhaul. “Chisaki,” the man said, and Aizawa’s head tilted to look at the tall man next to him. “Are you certain about this addition?” Overhaul, or Chisaki, tilted his head questioningly though there seemed to be a knowledgeable glimmer in his gold eyes as he looked at Shota. His gaze narrowed, devoid of that crinkle at the edges and instead he reminded Aizawa of looking at a great cat head on. “I am very certain, right, kobun?” there was a lethal edge in those words, something curling and waiting to strike if Aizawa spoke wrong. He knew he stood within a circle of the Shie Hissakai’s most danger members. That he was no more than a foolish boy running from the world with the hope of changing not only his circumstances but somehow everyone else’s as well. That he hoped to take advantage of these crime lords, men with so much more experience than him, like an idiot. And yet… he still turned and bowed once again deeply to the man he would likely never know the name of. “Yes, I would be thankful to be part of your family, oyassan,” Aizawa said, finally signing away his life for good. Shota felt so unprepared for this. Like every possible word he spoke was testing a step in a mine field. He didn’t understand the world he was stepping into, what the rules were and what he was supposed to say or do. However, it was obvious to him that there were strict rules. Some men surrounding him were missing parts of their fingers or were burned deeply in the back of their hands.

Still, he didn’t waver, he stayed calm even as his stomach squirmed, and heart tap danced. He avoided thinking about the sweat trickled down his spine and carefully took a step back when the leader nodded. “The induction ceremony will happen after you have proven yourself,” he decided. No one spoke against him, and Chisaki just offered him another bow, this time the look he sent Shota had the familiar crinkle at the corner of his eyes. It made him think that the usual coldness of Chisaki’s stare was just a bit softer. Perhaps he was smiling in some form. Aizawa stepped off to the side, hesitant to leave until told to. Would it be rude? Kurono however helped him with figuring out his place soon enough, as the conversation turned to more business-like and political terms, things the new intern had no possible hope of understanding, the masked man pulled lightly at Shota’s sleeve to silently guide him out the door. He didn’t hesitate to follow the insistent pull, eager to get out of the tension filled room and away from the eyes that stripped him bare. Finally, relief rolled over him as he stepped out into the white and red hall and the stifling air was swept away. His lungs expanded gratefully and even though all that protected him from the men and what was his past, was just a door, he was so thankful to be free for a few minutes.

Kurono stared at him and Aizawa could practically feel the judgement trickling from his covered eyes. But it didn’t matter, this was less disapproval than he had felt from all the members shoved into that room behind him. So, he stood taller, breathed deeper, and allowed himself to revel in a moment of hysterical happiness. Kurono seemed done with his little moment of excitement however and clicked his tongue, “Come, the young master demands you shower.” Aizawa rose a brow. So yes, he was filthy, but another person who wasn’t his parents forcing him to bathe? That seemed a little much. But he followed behind as expected, quick on Chorno’s heels at fear at being left behind. Shota glanced at the back he was following, considering whether it was intelligent to speak or not. Though he supposed if he was now a new member of the family, he needed to know things. “So, am I going to be taught the etiquette or is every meeting going to be like walking on eggshells?” he asked.

Kurono turned his head slightly, not once stopping in his forward movement, “Sarcasm is not tolerated in Master Chisaki’s presence.” He quickly swallowed the snarky comment begging to roll out, and instead he sighed, “Will I get to talk to Overhaul soon?” Redirection was good, it was smart. It kept people appeased and made them focus on anything but the young man rolling his eyes in the presence of authority. Because fuck did Kurono annoy Shota already, he had just met him and already he could feel the creeping indignation towards the young man. But still, it wasn’t the bitterness he held to his old life, no Kurono was a part of his new life now. Something that promised a resolution. Even if Shota disliked his personality, he still didn’t hate him like he hated his own family. The shower was welcoming and had been a good recommendation, though if Aizawa was honest it was more of a demand. Still, it made him feel fresh, new, as if he were washing years of lies and hatred from his skin even though he had only been dirty for a few days while he was in between living situations. But there was something about coming out into a place that had a bedroom for him, no matter how plain it looked, and knowing just hours before he had signed a lease on his life. There was something refreshing about it all. It was funny, Shota expected Chisaki to be waiting for him in his bedroom, brooding in some form. But he wasn’t, in fact he didn’t see the young man again until dinner. He was asked to join the young yakuza member, though once again it was pretty much a command, and Aizawa found himself sitting across a table, alone with him. It wouldn’t be so bad if those golden eyes didn’t see everything he thought. It took everything within Shota’s will not to curl in upon himself when he met that stare. It also seemed a bit strange, that though Chisaki had food in front of him, he never touched it. His mask and gloves stayed on, and instead he seemed to spend his time picking apart Aizawa piece by piece while the teen desperately tried not to choke on his own meal. Though to be honest Shota wouldn’t say he was surprised to see this odd behavior. It seemed to fit the yakuza member. When Overhaul spoke, the words were near piercing after the silence, “We must begin your mentorship as soon as possible. I was thinking we would start it tomorrow.” Aizawa chewed his food thoughtfully, considering arguing that he needed longer to adjust to every piece of shit that was just thrown at him. But also, he didn’t think this was a request, in fact he was very certain that this was a requirement and once again he had no choice. Did this man have this power over everyone? The power to lead them even when seeming to just suggest something.

“It’s not like I have anything else to do,” Aizawa said, avoiding Chisaki’s eyes. “No, you don’t,” he said, and there was a definite expectation drawn. The silence fell again, only broken by the clatter of cutlery and bowls. That was how the rest of the meal went, nothing else was asked and nothing else was explained. ----- Several days went by where Aizawa learned nothing but basic etiquette and spent moments reading books upon books. Overhaul spent what little free time it seemed he had in Shota’s room. Explaining confusing or extremely important concepts. There was a part of the teenager that slowly began to look up to the young yakuza, who began to take what small ideals he spoke about to heart. He hung onto every word Chisaki spoke, listening with wide eyes that slowly began to cloud over with adoration and hero-worship. But this hero who stood in front of him was very different, instead he could be called a villain. Chisaki sat across from him, the kneeling pillow under him making him seem all the more a prince in Shota’s eyes. Aizawa had offered it to him since his room only had one and he knew what was expected of him, but he also just wanted to please the older man. Desperately wanted to see that crinkle at the corner of his eyes and confident tilt to his jaw as he studied him. “Would you like to play a game today, Shota?” Chisaki asked. Aizawa looked up with a quirked brow, “Aren’t we going to study?” “This is a form of studying, it will teach you how to use your allies to your advantage,” his mentor said.

He watched as Chisaki motioned to Kurono, and a shoji board was brought to the table, “Thank you Kurono, you can leave.” “Sir?” “Leave, now,” Overhaul snarled. Kurono left without another word, and Aizawa stared after him before Chisaki pulled his attention back to the game board between them. “I don’t know how to play,” he said with a frown. “I’ll teach you,” Chisaki said with that crinkle in his eyes again. The instruction was slow with the sound of Chisaki’s calm voice and the gentle click of tiles passing the time. This became routine for several weeks. It apparently was used as a way for his mentor to unwind, because Aizawa soon learned about the unrest within the shadows of the family. Though who it was between he couldn’t quite figure out no matter how much he eavesdropped. However, it seemed to be affecting Overhaul directly.

Shota didn’t ask, instead choosing to answer Chisaki’s questions eagerly, and he slowly began to fall within the man’s carefully crafted web. Soon he couldn’t imagine his days with him, and then it stopped. With no warning, Overhaul stopped visiting. As soon as the third day passed Aizawa’s anxiety skyrocketed to paranoia. Had he done something wrong? Was his mentor, ok? He hadn’t even heard from Kurono. They hadn’t eaten dinner or had their shoji games. He had begun to pace, his mind spinning, and he remembered feeling similar to this only filled with more hatred when he had first arrived. Now, though his goal was in line with Chisaki’s, he was more afraid for the someone he had started to look at with starry eyes and a gaping mouth. What had happened to him? Was he falling in love? Or was this just an adoration for someone who had taken him in? Aizawa paused in his steps as he mulled over his strange feelings and nervous butterflies but came up empty handed for any answers. He didn’t see Chisaki that day either and finally decided to take things into his own hands. Even if he got lost in the twisting corridors of the complex. Even if someone found him and he got in trouble, he couldn’t keep treading the water of this unknown. That night before dinner came, he ignored his studies. Knowing very well that he would get chewed out if anyone found out. However, he stepped out into the hall anyway, flicking his eyes each way to double check that the coast was clear. The corridors were unusually silent, not that it was normally bustling, but he often at least ran into a couple people. It was eerie in Aizawa’s opinion, the hair on the back of neck prickling uncomfortably. There was a silent tension lying in the air and he wasn’t certain why. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, throat dry, and though he felt like he would get lost he actually found his way around with surprising ease, knowing what tiny differences to look for on the walls.              

He heard the scuffle before he reached the room. The sound of Chisaki pleading, asking Oyassan for something. But Shota couldn’t hear beyond muffled tone. A desperation reached Overhaul’s tone that Aizawa hadn’t thought possible. It made him freeze in his tracks, wondering if he should be hearing this. But then there was a yell and a horrible sound, something like bodily fluids spattering and then a squelching of things mashing together. There was something about this that wasn’t right, everything was silent, eerily so, until Shota crept closer to the door. “Clean him up, we need to keep him safe, I will… explain to the rest of the Shie Hassakai,” Chisaki said. His voice had switched to calm, so strangely calm that Aizawa swallowed, uncertain that he wanted to be found eavesdropping here. He was uncertain that he was safe, so he turned on his heel and fled without looking back once. It was after that day that everything seemed to change, and he truly learned who Chisaki was. He was visited by Overhaul later that night with no explanation of where the man had been. Instead, he merely sat down at the small floor table in Aizawa’s room and pulled the shoji board onto it. “Hello, Overhaul,” Aizawa said, his voice uncharacteristically meek, but if Chisaki noticed he didn’t say a word. He seemed absorbed in his thoughts, even as he placed tiles, he seemed unable to relax. Shota’s desire to relieve him of his burden only seemed natural. Aizawa had grown quite attached to man who had not only brought him here but also who had cultivated his new life. Why wouldn’t he worry? His eyes searched Chisaki’s, that golden and fierce gaze that he so often avoided, he looked for something within it. He watched the twitch of the older man’s eyebrow as he looked for a move to make, he read every minute detail that his mentor gave him. “Why are you staring, Shota?” Chisaki asked, finally raising his stare and pinning Aizawa while he overanalyzed his features. He pursed his lips, dropping his gaze.

“Come now, you always speak your mind now that you’ve gotten comfortable,” Chisaki said with a smirk practically leeching into his voice as he rested his cheek on his fist. “Don’t stop now.” Aizawa rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Don’t patronize me. I was just… worried.” He huffed and leaned back on the heels of his palms, blinking at Chisaki through strained eyes. He waited for the mocking, waited for the brush off. But it didn’t come, instead Overhaul just watched him, his face had gone blank, and he stayed silent. His eyes shone with a turbulent emotion that Shota couldn’t pin down. “Worried,” Chisaki whispered, it wasn’t a question, more like he was just tasting the word and checking that it was real. “Yes,” he answered anyway. “Things have been tense lately. I am sure they have affected you immensely,” his mentor steepled his fingers and watched him intently. Aizawa had seen him do this before, when he was displeased with his underlings. Had he upset him? A shiver ran down his spine as he forced himself to meet Chisaki’s stare. “Would you like to help me unwind?” Shota wasn’t sure if he should say yes, the way his mentor phrased the question made it sound like he was stepping out into a minefield. But he didn’t seem cold, just cautious. As if he was testing the waters of something he’d been thinking about for a long time. “I thought that was what we were doing,” Shota gestured at the shoji board with the scattered tiles. Chisaki squinted, “I suppose it is.” And then the conversation stopped, like it had never happened, and Shota was left feeling confused and lonely. The room filled once again with the steady tapping of tiles, and he could do nothing but stew in the question Overhaul had asked. The next day Aizawa and the rest of the family learned about Oyassan’s sudden condition, and that Kai had been left in command. The upheaval among some of the older family members was huge, even though it wasn’t more than a handful it was still enough to stir up discontent. And Shota huddled further against the wall during the meeting, desperately hoping he would be dismissed.

His hopes went unanswered however, and the show of power from Kai was violent, and immediately put those who had been on the fence back on his side in an instant. His gloves slid off and a single finger touched the men currently arguing with him. They hadn’t realized he had removed his gloves though, otherwise they probably would have fought back more. Not that Chisaki’s agility was nothing to be scoffed at. All that was left of them was a grisly splatter of blood and viscera on the floor and walls. Kai sighed and he frowned deeply, “I need a shower. Crono, make sure this mess is cleaned up.” Without another word he left, and Shota saw the tell-tale signs of hives breaking out along his temple. The world as Aizawa had begun to know it began to fall away piece by piece. He was quick to make it obvious to his mentor that he would follow him into the new future for the Shie Hassakai. Chisaki only seemed too pleased with his answer.

--- But things didn’t stay the same, the Chisaki that Shota had become to know quickly twisted. It was as if everything Aizawa had seen was just a mask and now that he was free it was being removed slowly. Now Aizawa saw the madness waiting underneath. --- “I need you to help me Shota,” Overhaul said, sitting across from him behind the desk. Aizawa blinked, surprised that he would ask that of anyone, let alone him. He gripped his hands tightly in his lap and stared at his superior, a man he had known for a good year now as he slowly helped him establish himself as the leader of the Shie Hassakai and also bring its new goal to life. “You do, sir?” he asked, stiffly, completely thrown for a loop and falling back on ceremony to keep himself safe from the unpredictable moods of his mentor. “Yes, I do,” his eyes crinkled at the side but the strange softness that had once existed there was missing, it was like his face was still making the movements, but he felt none of the same emotions. “How would you feel about making the dream of Shie Hassakai a reality? Taking a direct part in its fruition.”

He wouldn’t deny that his body jolted, mind scrambling in a desperate eagerness to please the man that he had once viewed as someone he wanted to be. That hero worship still bubbled within his body as he looked at Chisaki, even though he had changed so much there was nothing that could erase that desire within Aizawa. “If I can I will,” he said, nodding emphatically. “I will do anything you need.” Chisaki’s eyes crinkled more and thought that softness was still absent, Aizawa ignored the calculating sharpness that replaced it as the young leader observed him. “Good, I can’t wait to bring the future to the world,” Overhaul’s fingers laced over his lap as he leaned back in his chair. “You can go, we will start tomorrow.” --- Tomorrow came, and Shota wished it never had. At the time it came he still hadn’t realized how dumb his eager acceptance of Chisaki’s offer had been. He wouldn’t realize for a month maybe more. There were so many red flags before this, so many times he should have run as soon as he had the chance. But he didn’t even try, not until he was far too deep.

---

Overhaul met him the next day, after Aizawa had taken a shower and was buttoning up his fresh shirt and fixing his slacks. There were times he never thought he’d wear these types of things around where he called ‘home’, but this was expected of a yakuza member. He always had to look presentable. Especially as one of Chisaki’s direct subordinates. He gathered his long hair, still damp, from the shower into a bun and turned to see his boss watching the movement with narrowed eyes. “You’re early,” Shota said bluntly. “I’m never late,” Chisaki said. “No but you are never early, not unless it’s important. You are just punctual,” Shota stared at the dark circles under his eyes, caused by the constant plague of insomnia. “Today is important,” his mentor corrected firmly. “Very important.” Shota frowned, looking at Chisaki through the mirror, thinking about whether to ask again, “You never did tell me what I was going to be doing.” “You’ll find out soon as you are ready,” Overhaul said sharply, obviously getting impatient. Aizawa turned and opened his arms to show he was ready, and his boss stood to move toward the door, never checking to see if the young man was still following him. It was as if he knew Shota had no choice but to pace behind him. Not because he had no idea where they were going, but because Aizawa was irrevocably drawn to the man in front of him. There was a coldness in the way Chisaki was treating him, even more so than since he last saw him. Shota wondered what had changed, watching the man in front of him keenly as he followed silently behind.

Chisaki didn’t offer any explanation as they wound their way through the endless hallways, delving into parts of the compound that Shota wasn’t even aware of. Aizawa glanced around in curiosity, the colors changed from red and white to just a drab eggshell. The smell of disinfectant was stronger the further they walked, and Shota couldn’t help wrinkling his nose. “I wasn’t aware of this part of the base,” Aizawa whispered, his voice sounded like an airhorn going off in the silence. “Not many are,” Overhaul said, his voice almost wistful. He stopped at a door that looked no different than the others but obviously was their destination, since he was opening it up. He ushered Shota in, and the young man glanced behind him nervously, as if waiting to be followed by someone. However, when he turned around to see the inside of the room, he almost wished he had actually turned around and left while the door was still open. Or perhaps never agreed to this at all. Instruments of all sorts, medical equipment, a chair with restraints, and tubes filled with bubbling liquid waited for him further in. The room was filled to the brim with things Aizawa had never seen before, things that looked awfully unwelcoming, and the smell was aggressively clean. A mix of ammonia and lemon, and he fought desperately against sneezing. “What-What is this room for?” Aizawa asked and he almost didn’t want to know. “You wanted to help, didn’t you?” Chisaki asked, fiddling with a machine further in the middle near the chair. “I need you to help me reach our ultimate goal. I want to make a solution that takes away quirks.” Shota froze, because that’s why he had originally left the insanity of the hero world. He wanted it all to go away, he wanted all the lies to stop. It’s why he had continued to follow Chisaki even after the boss fell ill. But he never expected it to happen, let alone so soon. He stared at the way his mentor’s gloved hands caressed the machine he stood at. Looking at it like it would solve all his problems.

“How can I help?” Aizawa asked. “Your quirk is very useful you know that? Very strong, when combined with mine, in the right way…,” Chisaki trailed off letting Shota’s mind run wild. “I just need to take some blood.” Aizawa followed his silent directions and moved to sit in the chair. He was nervous as he did, even though he trusted Chisaki, the fact that the restraints were so close made him antsy. The sound of the door opening again made him stiffen but Overhaul didn’t even glance over his shoulder. Instead he changed his gloves and focused on preparing the skin of Shota’s arm to have blood drawn. The person who joined them in the room was someone Aizawa recognized but had never personally met. The gang’s doctor moved closer, muttered something as he marked the clipboard in his hand. Shota couldn’t help but wonder what lay on the other side but instead focused on Chisaki and the sharp smell of rubbing alcohol. He shifted and Chisaki shot him a sharp look, “Stay still.” The commanding tone he used was enough to get the gist across ‘if you don’t stop moving, I’ll tie you up.’ It worked however, and Shota instantly froze, even his breathing becoming shallower in an effort to please. The doctor finally stopped staring at his paperwork and nodded to his boss, even though Overhaul still wasn’t looking at him. “Get to work,” Chisaki growled, stepping back to give space to the shorter man. Shota couldn’t help but feel nervous, letting an unknown person take his blood was unusually fear inducing in this situation. His eyes found Overhaul’s, meeting the gold of his gaze with a desperation he felt deep in his bones. He felt like his lungs were constricting and his throat was closing. “Breathe,” his mentor commanded. “Can’t have you passing out during this.”

The inhalation was instantaneous, and he maintained his breath for the rest of the procedure. Shota couldn’t look away as his blood left his body, drawn into a small vial. They didn’t take much, only two vials at most, but still his head spun, and he bit back a whine that crawled up his throat. “Go back to your room, Kurono is waiting outside,” Chisaki waved him off and Shota felt himself crumble inside, the need for praise unmet once again and that insistent part of him once again screamed that his mentor had changed. ---- Things took a turn for the worse after that day, and Shota began to question every choice he’d made. ---- It was another day, another time for his blood to be taken, his molecules to be manipulated, and Chisaki to look at him like he was everything and nothing all at the same time. He’d stopped talking to Aizawa a long time ago. No longer answering his questions, no matter if he screamed or begged.

“I just need to know! I need to know why?! Why are you doing this to me?” Aizawa screamed as Chisaki’s hands touched him again, just a brush of the fingers and he could feel his body change against his will. Pieces taken, blood, skin, hair, nothing was his anymore, not his cells, not his breath. Aizawa felt a desperate need to escape from a place where he’d found not just a home but a purpose. He no longer felt safe here and as he came back to consciousness, his lungs battling to grab enough air, as painful gasps entered his healed body. He wasn’t even sure what had been done this time. But he felt violated like he always did, raw and open in ways he didn’t want to dwell on. Chisaki looked down at him coolly, carefully wiping his hand and replacing his glove, a small sign of hives breaking out along his jawline just under his mask. He handed something to the doctor, a vial again, a syringe but it didn’t look quite right. “I don’t have to explain anymore to you than I already have. You are the solution,” Overhaul said, the bridge of his nose scrunching and Aizawa guessed he was sneering. Aizawa was still trying to get himself under control, hopeful not to vomit with the way his brain felt like it was sloshing in his skull. He couldn’t quite figure out what Chisaki was referring to at first, until he remembered what he asked before he’d passed out. He needed to run, to leave. But he’d taken the sake oath; he knew what would happen if he was found. Yet was it any worse than what was happening to him now?

He couldn’t stay and let this continue, so he let the plan take shape as Chisaki scooped his lanky body into his arms. This was the only time he still felt close to his mentor. After the experimentation and the torture, when he was held close to the man’s heart, he could hear it beat slowly in his chest. Why couldn’t it just stay like this? Next thing he knew the darkness was taking over again, but it was simply because he was tired and for once he didn’t have to fight to fall asleep. He woke within what seemed to be a few hours, but he felt better than he had in a while. Aizawa blinked slowly as the world came back into focus and sleep melted away from the edges of his brain. He glanced over at his clock and realized it was late at night, later than he’d expected it to be. But it was the perfect time to finally try to leave. He couldn’t deal with the torture, the betrayal he felt anymore. He dressed in fresh clothes and pocketed a few necessary things, otherwise he left everything else behind. He preferred to travel light for ease of movement and speed. Aizawa sped down the hallways, having learnt the route he was traveling now that even the shadows couldn’t confuse him.

 Shota paused, poking his head around the corner and holding his breath as he heard the sound of voices ahead. “Do you think it wise, sir? To push his limits like this. He may not be able to tolerate more than what we are doing,” Kurono was talking to someone. A chill ran down Shota’s spine when he heard who answered, Overhaul, “I can always reverse things.” That seemed to be the end of that, and they wandered further away, talking about something else. It sounded like typical business for the family. Aizawa frowned over the bit he had heard them discussing but shook his head in order to get himself to focus. He needed to move. He was just a few minutes away from the exit. His heart was beating like mad by the time he was turning down the last hallway and could see the door in front of him. “Where are you going, Shota?”

How? How had he not heard him walking up? Aizawa froze, knowing his escape was impossible now, that Chisaki could touch the floor, and everything would be blocked. But maybe, maybe… Would it be worth it though, that two percent of a chance that he might get out, but the ninety-eight percent chance that if he failed, he would incur the wrath of Overhaul? His legs tensed, and he wanted to bolt so badly. It was so close, just a couple feet. But Chisaki was far too agile, too fast, and too smart for Aizawa to win. He’d practically raised Shota the last year, and if he was already here that meant his glove was already off. He was prepared. “Come back, Shota,” he said, his tone was icy, and there was an unwavering command in it. Aizawa hesitated, his body stuck to the spot as he finally glanced back at the arrogant tilt to Chisaki’s head and the way his naked hand poised next to the wall. His eyes were narrowed dangerously, no crinkles or warmth to be found in them. Shota knew he was treading a thin line, a line that would spell his life or his death. Perhaps his death no matter what way he stepped.

He sighed and finally he gave in, letting that magnetism pull him back to his mentor. He hoped for mercy, though he wasn’t sure why he thought for a moment he would get it. “I was trying so hard to go slowly. But Shota, you’ve pushed me too far this time,” Chisaki said and there was a mild bite to his words as his hand came out to pinch his student’s chin between his fingers. Aizawa could feel skin on his skin and his eyes widened fearfully. Panic bubbled up in him and he jerked back, his quirk coming to life, but it was too late as he felt Chisaki’s work fast when his fingers brushed Shota’s cheek. “Just let it happen,” Overhaul demanded. The pain was indescribable, it was nothing he had experienced before. It ricocheted through his body like a bullet tearing nerves, muscles, and the bones behind. He could feel himself ripping apart in a way he never had before. Ripping and reshaping, turning into something different, something he didn’t want to be.

“I will never let you go.” --- He should have let Overhaul kill him that day. --- Shota woke in a room that was dark and the bed he laid on was unfamiliarly hard. He ached from head to toe, every nerve in his body screamed, and he felt completely disoriented. He fumbled along the walls until he came to a switch and a low wall light came on, not even powerful enough to reach the corners of the tiny room. He glanced around, his eyes stinging from the light or perhaps the lack of good sleep. He wasn’t even sure how long he’d been out. Damn, he ran a hand through his hair. Things had gotten so out of control. He turned around to look at the door behind him, perhaps step out and find out where in the compound he was. Except he realized the door was heavy, riveted, and metal. Completely immovable because there was no way to open it on his side and it didn’t budge when he pressed on it. He paced back and forth through the length of the room, not that it was much space to work with. His mind began to spiral, he was left on his own, stuck in a room with nothing but a light and bed that was painful to sit on. No windows, and a giant door that mocked him. His stomach growled, and he lurched in upon himself as the beginning of hunger grew within seconds until it felt like his insides were devouring themselves.

He cradled his abdomen as it only seemed to grow more ravenous by the second. He pounded a fist against the door, feeling the metal bite into his flesh. He needed help, something was wrong, this was happening all too fast. What had happened to him? “Help me!”  he cried desperately to anyone who might be lingering beyond the barrier. “Please….” He continued to pound against the door as he felt as if he was starving within just a few minutes of being awake. Someone had to hear him. Someone had to come save him from this thing inside him, this change that was becoming unbearable. He needed this to stop. He needed help, he fell to the ground in a sobbing mess as he clawed at his clothes. Shouta felt completely out of control now. The sound of squeaking hinges reached his ears, but he couldn’t pull himself from his misery long enough to look up.

“Hm, side effects were a little worse than I expected,” a voice said with calm curiosity. It was a familiar tone, someone he knew well, but he couldn’t pull the name to his tongue with the way his entire being focused on eating. “Shota, come, I have food for you,” the voice commanded again. He squirmed on the floor, but his desire to respond to the demand, an innate feeling that called within him was too strong. He latched onto and stared up at a pair of golden eyes behind a mask. Shota could smell it now, the mouthwatering scent of meat. God, he wanted it, he craved it. He lurched to all fours, and Chisaki placed the tray in front of him. He fell on it like an animal, a person he no longer recognized. If he would even call himself a human right now. He heard the shuffle of Overhaul’s shoes across the floor but paid no mind as he ate and ate until he finally felt the unbearable gnawing soothe. He sat back on his heels, staring down at the mess he’d made on the tray, the floor, and on his clothes. It was like he’d been in a frenzy, completely unable to stop.

“What’s happening?” he murmured. “I couldn’t let you leave, therefore I had to put into some foolproof assurances that you wouldn’t,” Kai said, staring down at him from across the room, where he sat on the bed. “However, the requirements of your new quirks are a little stronger than I expected. Nothing I can’t handle, but it will be interesting to see you progress.” Shota looked up at him, blinking slowly as his mind tried to understand. He had new quirks? When? He could barely remember what had happened, he remembered words, flashes of sensations, the most memorable one was agony, unfathomable pain that he didn’t even think he understood, viewing it as a memory.

“You will find out soon enough, everything you need, and everything new you can do. But right now, I think you owe me an apology,” Chisaki’s chin tilted, and his eyes were shining coldly above his mask. Aizawa considered his options. He had no possibility of escape, at least not currently. For now, he might as well play along in hopes of finding an opening later. “I’m sorry, oyabun,” he murmured, collapsing into a full bow, pressing his forehead against the ground to hide his grimace of annoyance. However, if using the terminology and prostrating himself saved his life for one night, then so be it. “Really? Do you think I believe you, Shota?” Chisaki sighed, steepling his fingers and when Shota dared to look, he recognized that calculating look that he so often gave to those who were dead seconds later. “I know you well enough by now to know you are just biding your time. You aren’t dumb, nor are you spineless. Both are things I like about you.” He knew if he hadn’t been so terrified, if he hadn’t been so damaged by this man, that he would still feel himself warm from his praise. But now only a tiny glimmer of that flame was left, and it was quickly snuffed out when Overhaul moved, and paranoia took over Shota’s brain. He shrunk into himself, part of him still feeling wild and feral, but also the logical side knowing he had no idea how his mentor was feeling. He had begun to accept he no longer could read him, he couldn’t seem to please him, he couldn’t appease him, and Kai was likely very angry still.

But all that happened was he moved his hands to belt, and the gentle clink of the metal buckled being undone made Shota’s hair rise on the back of his neck. “Though I would prefer you to be showered before doing this, I have been waiting a while, quite a while for this,” Kai said with a sigh as the sound of his zipper drawing down filled the near silent room. Aizawa stiffened, part of him, a part he didn’t know existed but wasn’t surprised by, bubbled with excitement. Another piece withdrew farther, only able to grow more suspicious. And though he wasn’t certain in the beginning what Chisaki wanted from him, it became too obvious now, when he pulled from the tight confines of his slacks his beautiful cock, already half hard and eagerly growing with how Shota couldn’t pull his eyes away from it. It was a strangely beautiful part of his body, pale skin just like the rest of him, slender but long, with a curved, blushed head that made Aizawa’s mouth water. The voraciousness was back, the desire to be filled but in a very different way than before. This hunger had nothing to do with food, and completely to do with the gloved hand slowly stroking along the growing erection in front of him.

Chisaki strode forward, and surprisingly there was no condom, there was no protection from Aizawa’s skin or the blood decorating his face. Instead, his mentor walked right up, wrapping his gloved hand into Shota’s hair, and making his jaw open on a gasp.

“Guard those teeth, if I feel them, well I can always make them disappear,” Kai promised with saccharine delicacy, cold words that weren’t a lie.

He slipped forward passed Aizawa’s virginal lips, past his teeth and snapped hips forward so that he brushed his throat without warning. The younger man choked around him, saliva building up already and sliding along the velvet flesh of Kai’s cock. And even though he could see the slight blister of hives grow underneath his chin as his head fell back on his shoulders, Kai sighed with pleasure.

It took Shota a moment to catch up, to learn how to breath around the invasive thrusting of his mentor’s dick, but his sight began to blur as he just enjoyed the weight of the cock in his mouth. The weight and the way he fucked Shota’s throat. It was so good, so unbelievably good. This was what he had been waiting for, what they apparently had both been waiting for from the soft grunts that fell from Kai’s covered mouth.

His delicate fingers tightened in Aizawa’s long black hair, tugging, and pressing his head with each push of his hips forward or slide back. For once there was heat and this strange need in Kai’s eyes, Shota wasn’t sure he would call it affection, not like the warmth he used to see. But it was something more than that cold and detached look he’d been receiving lately.

Aizawa would do anything to keep this going, his cock agreed as it throbbed between his legs and seemed to only grow harder and harder until it was near unbearable. “I’ve been waiting, so long,” Kai muttered. “So long that I thought this never would happen. You’re mine now, Shota. You’ll never go anywhere.” Shota bobbed his head in agreement, how could he want to leave after this? Kai’s fingers sank deeper into his hair, until eventually he could feel the harsh hold of his fingers on his skull. He moaned, humped against the pressure the stretch of his slacks provided as Chisaki’s cock seemed to fuck impossibly deeper into his throat. He gagged, and more drool spilled out around his mentor until finally, Kai held him down.

Shota couldn’t breathe but he realized he didn’t care. He wanted whatever was coming next more. Kai came in thick hot ropes down Shota’s throat, a low groan, that was several octaves deeper than Shota had ever heard his voice, roared up from his chest. Shota’s toes curled when he heard that sound and his hips twitched, lightning shocked up his spine as he came himself.

A flush of embarrassment warmed Aizawa’s cheeks as Kai pulled from his mouth, leaving a trail of bitter seed behind and then used a handkerchief to wipe the spit, left over blood, and cum from his dick. His golden eyes flashed down to the wet patch growing on Shota’s pants and he scoffed.

“Filthy,” he whispered. “My filthy little, lost lamb.”

Aizawa tilted his head and said in his sex roughened voice, “What do you mean?”

“I found you, I brought you home, to here where you belong. I’m your shepherd and you’re my lost little lamb,” he hissed, tucking himself back in his pants and squatting in front of Aizawa who was still on his knees. “Remember, your mine now.” ---

At least he’d found somewhere that would never let him go.

---

It was another few years he spent with Kai, who grew only more possessive, more demanding with his physical needs, before Aizawa was allowed out to wander the halls. It was after he first said he loved his mentor.

Overhaul’s hands knotted tightly in his hair, fighting the slick grip of the cloth of his gloves. He yanked harder as Shota begged, moaning, and slobbering as the man fucked into his perfect ass over and over. This was what Shota was for. Kai needed him for this, he needed him so much for the bullets he made, everything he did was because he needed him. When you needed someone, you loved them, their being became so enrobed in yours that it was impossible to pry yourself free. When you couldn’t live without someone… you loved them… right?

Shota groaned, his dick rubbing against the rough fabric of his sheets, but the cock ring kept him from cumming until his mentor said so. Instead, it just prolonged the near agonizing pleasure of the sensation when Kai rocked forward and back near animalistically. He dragged his perfectly flared head across Aiazawa’s prostate over and over until he couldn’t see his vision was so blurry with unshed tears and drool was pouring down his chin. God, it felt so fucking good. He arced back against the slam of Kai’s hips.

“I’m going to ruin you,” Overhaul hissed in his ear. “Every time I cum in you, on you, I engrain it into you. Hn! I make it so you will never ever try to leave again.” Even though it had been a full year, a little more maybe now, Kai was still harping on about it. Every day he fucked Aizawa full of him, he said the younger man was his, that he could never disappear again. Kai never lifted his mask though, he never kissed Shota, and though there was probably some logical part of the abuse victim that knew this wasn’t right, the insanity had taken over long ago. He dragged Aizawa’s head back, until it was arched unnaturally, and his throat was pressing against the mattress. He could barely breathe, and when two fingers of Overhauls free, gloved hand, pressed past Shota’s teeth it was even harder to find oxygen. They pressed down against Shota’s tongue, pushing deep into the muscle until his moans grew distorted and he gagged, his drool becoming thick and viscous as more flowed freely down his neck. Then he felt it the kick of Kai’s cock as he came deep into his ass, filling him to brim. They’d abandoned protection long ago after Aizawa learned Kai’s desire to claim him overrode his desire to stay clean. He came with a low groan in Aizawa’s ear, his humps slowing down and growing sloppy. The squelch of his cum sent a sense of satisfaction through his body, Shota was his. Something about the younger man loved it too. It meant he was loved, needed, craved. Just like he loved and craved Chisaki.

“P-ple-aase,” he begged shamelessly, his words distorted around the fingers still pressing down his tongue. Kai’s fingers retreated slowly, dragging his glove lazily over Aizawa’s already ruined chin. He gripped his victim’s jaw and tilted his head, his eyebrow quirked as he tilted his head. “Please what?” he snarled. “Please, can I cum, Overhaul, sir?” Aizawa nearly bent over backward for it.

He could still feel the ache in his cock as it dribbled over the sheets beneath him. Kai scoffed in his ear but still the man’s fingers expertly snapped the leather ring free. After a quick couple jerks from his own hand Shota came, causing Kai to hiss in his ear as he clamped down around the man’s sensitive dick. “You can clean yourself up,” Kai said pulling out. He moved to go shower, he always showered independently. Aizawa rested on his stomach, letting his mentors seed settle in its new home, “I love you, Kai.” He was only allowed to use that name in the bedroom but not when he was under Overhaul, screaming in pleasure. Overhaul did not answer, but he did ask, “Who do you belong to?” “You, of course,” Aizawa said happily, an innocent and mildly disturbing smile on his face. But this relationship suited them best. They would always be with each other now, serving each other’s needs, old ones that had claimed Chisaki ages ago, and new ones forced upon Aizawa by the man who had claimed him. Shota liked belonging.