#if i had to watch my own daughter die from an illness while my husband was off rooting some other bitch I'd lose it

[unamused-kookaburra]

I hope Lagertha kills Ragnar.

[bitchinbarzal]

take care of my baby | S Reid

summary: when maeve goes missing spencer gets help from his ex, the mother of his daughter and she puts her life on the line for his girlfriend.

-

Spencer had told Ruby about Maeve. He had told her Maeve was a friend while he read out her letters, some Maeve had even written specifically to Ruby.

You were happy they were happy, no ill feelings towards your ex and his new girlfriend. Your babygirl was happy and that’s all that mattered to you.

Ruby would come home from a weekend with Spencer, telling you about Maeve and the phone call. That it was a secret and nobody could know except you guys.

You knew the team weren’t aware Spencer was dating again until he stood before you all, begging you to help find Maeve.

You all worked tirelessly, trying to figure out who Maeve was and who was after her.

It was you who figured out what Diane wanted, piecing together her lax use of Spencer’s doctor title without being pretold and then her slip of your daughter’s name.

You were sat at the round table when you off handedly mentioned “Yeah Spence is always talking about Ruby in interviews, that Diane girl was asking about her earlier”

Spencer frowned, eyebrows knitted together while he looked at you “She mentioned Ruby?”

“Yeah, she was asking-“

“I never said anything about Ruby”

You shrugged “Maybe I mentioned her and forgot, she asked me about my husband and I was talking about you being my ex and-“

You cut yourself off, thinking back to your conversation with Diane earlier in the day. Her pushing to know about your relationship with Spencer, more information on Ruby.

“Oh my god” you gasped “It’s her, she’s the unsub!”

In the warehouse you and Spencer stood both pointing a gun at Diane who held hers against Maeve’s temple.

You watched Maeve tremble in her hold, Spencer equally as frightened as he watched on.

You tried to talk her down, Diane was insane and there was no talking her off this cliff.

“Your parents died when you were young, Diane” you started, hands up and placing your gun on the ground. She pointed her weapon at you, hand shaking as she cried.

“We” your finger referenced between you and Spencer “We have a daughter, Diane you don’t want to take away her parents, the people who love her. Maeve is one of those people”

Maeve softened at that, having grown fond of the girl over their correspondence.

Diane’s gun moved between all three of you. She was becoming erratic.

“How about a trade?” You said, earning a crazed look from Spencer.

“Me for her” you suggested, hands up to show you weren’t a threat.

Diane hissed “You’d do that for her?”

You let out a shaky breath “Yes”

The her in question wasn’t necessarily Maeve. You didn’t know her. It was Ruby, it was your daughter having a happy dad, a happy family.

She shook her head. You watched on as she held her gun to her own temple, in line to hit Maeve on exit.

“Wait!” Spencer screamed, trying to grab your wrist as you pounced forward to push Maeve out the way.

You were laying on the floor, Spencer hovered above you before you realised what had happened. The burning sensation in your chest settling in.

Spencer desperately tried to put pressure on your chest, Maeve now joining him as he screamed for help.

Your eyes filled with tears as you smiled softly “Spence, stop”

He shook his head “No, No! You can’t die, you can’t- Ruby needs her mom. C’mon don’t do this!”

You reached up and grasped Maeve’s hand weakly “Take care of my baby”

She shook her head too “No, no! You’ll take care of her Y/N, you can’t, you shouldn’t have done that!”

You coughed, blood coating your lips “Promise me”

She sighed, tears dropping on your face “I promise, I promise - somebody help!”

The last thing they heard you say before your eyes closed was “Tell Ruby I love her”

The two of them sat by you, both in shock. When the rest of the team entered the room they stopped, all just as shocked.

That night they watched Spencer and Maeve meet Ruby in the round table room, her expression ecstatic to finally meet Maeve in person. Then they watched through the glass as Spencer kneeled down in front of his daughter explaining something to her, her face fell before she began sobbing and kicking him.

Maeve stood off to the side, upset and confused. Confused why you’d done that for her and upset for your daughter, your daughter who now didn’t have a mom because of her.

[weebsinstash]

Tbh I have never seen a villainess manga/manhwa where the FL is like Oh youre cheating on me??? Well let me have a good time and get a lover as well, because if you get to have one I do too. Like all those humiliating situations FLs go through with their husband and mistress would be a lot more even if they had their own lover. Like oh you wanna flaunt your mistress to everyone and dance with her at social events? Well here is my lover/mistress right by my side and Imma dance with them and not mind you. The husband is saying the FL is cold and arrogant and cannot show love? Well here is once again her own lover/mistress to prove you wrong because guess what someone was fucking your wife last night and it wasnt you

Honestly there are probably some that exist! From what I've seen, the manhwa community is similar to the manga community in that it follows trends and many things can be published or produced at once, so maybe it's a matter of trying to shift through all the bulk?

I think the thing that's infuriating is most of these dudes are such fucking chumps that they would get jealous, but their reaction would probably be to tell their FL "oh, you're clearly doing this just for my attention, how childish of you" and it's like fine call me bozo the clown because I'm about to get a wacky creampie from your brother/rival

Honestly I wish the story existed where it's like "you know what crown prince? Not only am I leaving you, im leaving you for your father the emperor. I'm your mom now boy, go to your room"

I have been reading so many Villainess/Revenge manhwa and I honestly can't recall any like you're saying. The closest thing I can think of is a scene from "I Want To Become The Emperor So I Need A Divorce" where the husband's lover's uncle who runs a theater company is hosting a play meant to mock the FL, and when her shit husband asks what she thought of the play, and she lied and said it was nice and then he goads her further to start reciting her favorite line, she calls his fucking bluff and walks up to the actor that had played her husband and starts reciting exact lines, but in such a way it seems like she is genuinely flirting with the actor, and she even puts a royal gemstone on his finger to symbolically say "you're as good as the duke" and he gets so fucking mad he basically had the entire theater company ruined

I just want to watch garbage men be ruined, like I am actively seeking out stories where women leave their shit partners and enjoy watching them mald and seethe while living a better life with their new partner. I can't wait for the final season of Remarried Empress, and Father I Dont Want This Marriage, and kt isn't a romance but I think I will DIE if I never see the ending of Actually I Was The Real One because that fucking bitch tried to steal her family! And I also found an extremely similar manywa that's brand new called The Saintess Returns as a Villain and maybe that will be good but it is still too early to tell.

And you know what, I know a good revenge manhwa but it's more revenge in the form of "you neglected me and made me feel like shit so im running away and cutting you out of my life and even when I need support you aren't good enough" and that would be The Time Of The Terminally Ill Extra. It hasn't updated it forever so im afraid it might be dropped but it's about a girl who has been shoved to the side for the sake of her sickly younger sister who she has had to compromise everything for, even entering school late to take care of her, giving her her toys, being trained to never disobey or show she's unhappy because even when she cries she's told "how dare you cry when your sister is in pain?". Well, it turns out the FL is terminally ill, even sicker than her sister, amd she decides to run away and never even tell her family, who initially don't even care she's missing and then proceed to not believe it when they are told their daughter is fatally sick. I might actually start reading the novel because the story has me so invested. The FL has an uncurable illness called Artist's Disease where she can bring to life anything she draws but at the cost of her own life, but her family neglected her so fucking much they never even knew she liked to draw or noticed how extremely gifted she was, which, the extreme talent is a symptom of Artist's Disease because their abilities are "blessings", and if her family had noticed and gotten her diagnosed earlier she wouldn't be dying. But even as it's killing her, she refuses to stop drawing because it's her passion and joy. She grew up so lonely that as a child she would draw fairies and other people to talk to her and be her friends and her art is extremely personal to her that she would literally die than give it up. I really hope this manhwa finishes like I have heard spoilers about because it sounds like everything turns out alright in the end, but not before massive heartbreak 🥺

[the-ultimate-pie-family]

Luna and Discord and Eclipse encounter with the pies part 5

"Luna discord and eclipse teleported to the pie castle, and day was outside already for the field trip." Eclipse, you were almost late for class? Sorry miss pie. I woke up late. Ok, but very good on the teleporting here. You got all three of you here in one piece. "Discord snapped his finger, summoning a chocolate milk cloud filling four glasses milk? Everyone? Luna eclipse and day drank the chocolate milk. " This random of your dad eclipse. I know. I bet your dad is the same way. Girl, you have no idea. "Then out of nowhere bloods, father discord, raised from the dead." i have come for revenge on the pies, dad!!!!!!! "Blood teleported," you vile creature. How do you keep escaping hell....... "Then luna Discord started shaked bloods father's hand, greeting another discord." Uh? "Blood looked at eclipse and luna confused while the same look was on bloods father." Is he for real son? Don't call me that you're not my father anymore. "Blood teleported away" is eclipse gonna be ok on this field trip, Miss Day? yes, she'll be fine, luna. Yay, I'm excited. Miss pie. here we go, then "day summoned a portal to an unknown area" in we go "luna watched eclipse disappear into a new realm oh dear.... lulu look another discord. I'm so thrilled. "Luna walked in the pie castle," Pinkie? On-ne second d-darl-ling, my wif-fe is here. I'll be up in a second~ hi there, luna. I'm B. Why so down? What do you know you're a kid. Well, princess of chaos, I'm no kids im an adult thank you but I know that look your worried about eclipse right? Yeah, but she's learning so much from your sister, and she's excited to actually learn me, and Discord couldn't even get her to learn, but day she got her learning hard spells we all had to learn these spells to survive eclipse is still learning but with you and discord help and guidance she will become something stronger my sister seen her future so far. Huh? What future? And your sister is a time bender? Actually, it's a time goddess, but she's too busy to be asked questions she's out there. "Then skeleton mare jumped through a time rift badly injured" glass? Dad! D-don't come n-near me for yo-our own sake "Sparks were surrounding glass then she saw a different luna" ge-et her out of here i-i can't cation it m-much lon-nger ahhhhh!!!!!! "Then death walked out of the husk of glass." You again? "B jumped at death as she turned to dust." Haha, I grow stronger each soul i collect, hmm? "Death looked at luna, knowing she shouldn't be here. luna is frozen in fear seeing death right in front of her." Do you fear being dead? "Then blood jumped on death, but death flipped him on the floor." Goodbye blood, "death stomped on blood skull crushing it." Now, are you scared? Me scared I was only act bitch "luna upper cutted death breaking his jaw and her left hoof" i got more blows if you come near me again slut! Death threw his scythe at luna she dodged it but grabbed the handle and threw it back at death." Huh? "Lucky death dodged, but he got body slammed into the floor unable to touch luna to kill her." You have enough death? If so, bring back my friends. "Death got up laughing" friends? The pies don't have friends. you're just a number in pinkie eyes. These killers will be your downfall princ "then out of nowhere, he got decked by luna again with her broken hoof exploding her whole left arm. luna was shocked that just happened." Aw, what's wrong bitch arm exploded "death got up walking to luna to finish the job" now you die princess ill tell discord and your daughter you died with a fight goodbye luna "death went to touch luna to kill her but he held out his hoof" get up. huh? B-but? I lost? Yes, but you have that spark luna like the pies, so I'll spare you for now. "Death brought the pies he killed to life again B, and blood gasped for air." What about glass? I'm fine, Miss luna. My husband healed me before you two started fighting. husband? Wait, death is your husband? yes, weird, I know, but I love him. "Then the two discord came talking to each other about there lives"

To be continued

Mod pie: My brain sucks but it's getting their. eclipse and day are adventuring in a cursed place in the ocean mahahah

Tag: @ask-luna-and-discord

[euterpessi]

Romance Manhwa/Manga Recommendations:

Historical Manhwa/Manga:

Death Is The Only Ending For The Villainess

I’ve reincarnated as the reverse harem game’s villainess, the one and only adopted daughter of the ducal Eckart family.

But the difficulty just has to be the worst!

Everything I do will only lead me to death.

I must be paired with one of the main male characters from the heroine’s harem before the ‘real daughter’ of the duke family appears!

Two older brothers who always pick a fight with me on every little thing.

The insane crown prince whose route will always lead to my death.

‘I only see the heroine and no one else’s wizard, and also her loyal slave knight, too!

‘First, let’s take some of them which I see no hope in, out of the list!’

“I didn’t know my place up until now. From now on, I’ll live as quiet as a mouse so you wouldn’t care the slightest bit!

But why do their interests in me keep on rising every time I draw the line?!

The Villainess is a Marionette

Cayena, the Imperial Princess, was known as the most beautiful woman in the Empire. She was a woman who knew nothing but evil and luxury.

However, she was destined for ruin: she would be used as a chess piece by her younger brother to secure his throne and killed by her crazy husband.

“I’ll make you the Emperor.”

“… Sister, are you referring to me?”

“In exchange, give me freedom.”

She had to change things before she became that Cayena.

The Reason Why Raeliana Ended Up At The Duke’S Mansion

Poisoned to death by her own betrothed?! Eunha didn’t wake up in a novel’s story just to get killed off again as an unfortunate extra! To change her story she needs a cover… 6 months pretending to be the fake fiancée of the novel’s male protagonist, Duke Noah Wynknight. But will this cold-hearted, angel-faced demon of a man really help her avoid another ill-fated ending?!

Your Throne / I Want to Be You, Just For A Day

The story follows main characters Medea Solon and Psyche Callista, who become archenemies after competing for the position of crown princess of the Vasilios Empire. On the day of the Yearly Prayer, Medea and Psyche accidentally switch bodies.

The Remarried Empress

Navier was the perfect empress, however, the Emperor wanted a wife, not a colleague. And so, the Emperor abandoned Empress Navier and placed an enslaved girl beside him. That was fine until Navier heard the Emperor promise the slave the Empress’ position. After many ups and downs, Navier decided she would accept being the Queen of the neighbouring country and remarry.

Kill The Villainess

Eris Mizerian was the villainess of a novel. The only daughter of a marquis, she got executed after scheming against the pure and lovely protagonist, Helena. My only goal, after possessing her, is simply to leave this world and go home. I am prepared to face even death, but the laws of this world keep stopping me.

A changed Eris begins to draw the attention of three men who once loathed her; the Crown Prince, the High Priest, and the Knight.

"It doesn't matter. I will never be able to love this world."

Even if the only way out is death,

even if the only way out is make a deal with a witch...

I will absolutely leave this world!

This is the story of the villainess who defies fate, Eris, and her escape from this world!

The Way To Protect The Female Lead's Older Brother

I accidentally took possession of someone in a 19+ reverse harem novel.

The problem is that I became Roxana Agriche, the older sister of the sub-villain. My damn father kidnapped the heroine’s brother. Now, is the only thing left to meet a terrible end from the vengeance of the heroine?

But what if I can avoid that horrible development?

“I’m also interested in this toy.”

“I’ll protect you until you can get out of here safely.”

The heroine’s brother, Cassis Pedalian, will definitely be able to pay me back later.

Shadow Queen

“Can you be my daughter for me?”

By his offer, Elena became Duke of Franceschi’s fake daughter.

She became the queen and gave birth to Crown Prince’s son.

Then suddenly, Princess Veronica who was assumed dead came back.

She was only just a toy.

But eventually, Elena gets her son taken and is murdered.

However, she went back to the past.

“I’ll destroy all of you.”

I’ll never live as a toy again.

Elena decides to seeks revenge.

Under the Oak Tree

The daughter of a duke, the stuttering Maximilian, married a knight of lowly status at her father’s coercion.

After their first night, her husband departed for an expedition without another word.

He comes back three years later, this time as a famous knight in the whole continent.

How would Maximilian face him on his return?

"The more I think of you, the more lonely and lonely I become. I don't know why I can't quit even though it's so painful."

I'm Stanning The Prince

Angela’s fanfic became such a sensation that it even reached the Imperial Family, leading her to get arrested on charges of treason. Nevertheless, her fanfic improved the First Prince’s image, and his sister, the Princess, decides to take political advantage of this and keep Angela by their side. 

The heroine who can now fangirl to her heart’s content, and the Prince who doesn’t know how to act around her. As they bicker back and forth, they start growing closer…

Miss Not-So Sidekick

Hyejung loved to read to escape her daily stress. But that’s before she woke up inside the bizarre world of her favorite novel! Instead of the main heroine who courts three eligible men, she is now Latte Ectrie – a minor villain that everyone hates?! One way or another, it’s a chance to live out her most beloved storyline, with popcorn in hand to watch all the drama! Taking charge of the narrative takes on a whole new meaning!

Even Though I’M The Villainess, I’ll Become The Heroine!

I wasn’t able to overcome the harassment and took my life, but I was reincarnated with the perpetrator? The perpetrator is the heroine, Florre, and I am the villainess, Dahlia, who’s going to die horribly.

“They said you are a villain with neither blood nor tears, but unlike the rumors, you often shed tears.”

“Your Highness must believe all the nonsense the idiots are talking about, huh?”

Grand Duke of Cervian, the half brother of the Male lead and who will be punished for treason afterwards. He approached me. I can’t lose the man who will be my greatest ally.

“Your Highness, would you marry me?”

“Now…… what did you say?”

“And take revenge together.”

A similar situation, a fixed ending. The heroine is not the only one who knows the ending of the novel. I took a long and arduous path of revenge.

Who Made Me A Princess

The beautiful Athanasia was killed at the hands of her own biological father, Claude de Alger Obelia, the cold-blooded emperor! It’s just a silly bedtime story… until one woman wakes up to suddenly find she’s become that unfortunate princess! She needs a plan to survive her doomed fate, and time is running out. Will she go with Plan A, live as quietly as possible without being noticed by the infamous emperor? Plan B, collect enough money to escape the palace? Or will she be stuck with Plan C, sweet-talking her way into her father’s good graces?!

The Villainess Reverses the Hourglass

With the marriage of her prostitute mother to the Count, Aria’s status in society skyrocketed immediately. After leading a life of luxury, Aria unfairly meets death because of her sister Mielle’s schemes. And right before she dies, she sees an hourglass fall as if it were a fantasy. And just like that, she was miraculously brought back to the past.

“I want to become a very elegant person, just like my sister, Mielle.”

In order to face the villainess, she must become an even more wicked villainess. This was the new path Aria chose to take revenge on Mielle who murdered both her and her mother.

The Evil Lady's Hero

Junipe Magnolia, a villainess friend of the heroine in this novel called Rael Cania.

The Junipe inside the novel has always loved the male lead, Iseed. To the point where she harassed Rael out of jealousy because she's loved by Iseed.

And thus, Junipe is destinied to die in the hands of the male lead of this novel.

But one day.

"Why did I become Junipe?!"

But let's think about it, it's still one year away from the time Junipe is going to get killed by Iseed. So, I have to meet Iseed and Rael first, I'll be able to find a way out of my death if I do so.

Yeah, let's meet them first!

But, this man is just so tender-hearted and kind. Would Junipe be able to escape from this man?!

I Tamed a Tyrant and Ran Away

God gave me a chance to relive my life. Before the rebirth, I had been used for the past 400 years as the empire's sword. And so, I swore to destroy the empire. I found the young prince of the country and became his teacher. I taught him how to become a tyrant and asked for the country.

"I will do the lady's will."

He conquered the whole empire for me, and I ran away.

"I came to take you, Charlize Ronan." Dylan became a perfect tyrant and searched the entire empire for me.

"You tamed me, so why did you run away?"

Untouchable Lady

“Please, Hilise. Please die in place of Gabrielle.” My always dignified brother begged me for the first time. He wants me to die for our stepsister, whom we don't even share a drop of blood with. “For the first and last time, I ask you this.” I've always been miserable, and there is no exception this time. The seventh time that I was betrayed and killed, I was completely free of lingering feelings. “I'm glad that you're a scumbag until the end.” I won't be swayed by love anymore. It's my turn to abandon them first.

I’ll Live On As A Villainess

I reincarnated as the villainess in a book!

The one who dared to commit attempted murder on the heroine is the owner of this body?

Let's just live in a quiet place where we have fun and eat! That's what I thought for a while.

It was so, so, so cold here in the north, where I was kicked out as a punishment.

Before I froze to death, I called the Great Demon of Fire and set fire to the fireplace but...

Why isn't he going back? If you've done the job, shouldn't you go back?!

I was flustered to find out that I had signed a life contract with a demon just to start a fire but to think that I'd be responsible for relieving his desires!

The bickering romance between a big puppy demon and a small villainess lady!

It Looks Like I’Ve Fallen Into The World Of A Reverse Harem Game

When I opened my eyes, I was in a different world. I had become the game’s villainous princess who was feared by all. Not to mention… Completely naked men I didn’t even know were approaching me left and right! “Are you cold? Shall I warm you up with a hug?” “Oh? Have you not had enough yet?” Seriously, what’s up with this situation? And just how the hell am I going to get out of this freaking game?!

Father, I Don't Want to Get Married!

I’m Jubelian? The daughter of the duke and the villainess of this novel?

I managed to avoid my death with some previous knowledge about my life, as this was my second time at it. Now, I should be able to live a peaceful life!

“I’m not going to marry a man unless he has everything. I want the most wealthy, famous, and competent man there is.”

I dreamt of a glamorous life as the daughter of the duke, but my father tells me the Crown Prince who is known to be a lunatic is to be my husband! As an extraordinary measure, I couldn’t help but start a contract relationship. That is, with a handsome side character that looks better than the main one.

“Why are you trying to avoid being engaged to the prince?”

“He’s scary. I heard that he even kills his own entourage if he doesn’t like them.”

A few days later, the prince sent a terrible letter to me.

“I will not kill you.”

Oh no, did I set up another death trap for myself?

Like A Wind On A Dry Branch

"Hi, You."

Count Casarius fell victim to a plague and died suddenly, leaving behind a will stating that Rietta, his beautiful young widow of the manor, whom he tried to use as a concubine, be buried alive alongside him. Just before Rietta is buried, Archduke Axias, rumored to be a cruel tyrant, arrives at the funeral to collect the enormous debt Count Casarius still owes him.

“Everyone here seems to feel sorry for her, and I still have a debt to collect from Casarius… If I take her instead of debt, I think all of you here should be happy," he smiled.

"Hello, Temptress."

Everything was a Mistake

Roa Valrose reincarnated as villainess in the book. In order to avoid the fate of being burned at the stake, she approaches the hero, Nocton Edgar.

It hurts every time she gets closer to him. Nevertheless, for her survival, she does everything he wants her to do.

“Come again, Valrose.”

The mysterious Nocton unexpectedly sought her out every day.

Then one day, her friend for 10 years says something unknown to her.

“Actually, I have a dream. The Duke of Edgar is a terrible villain!”

He is not the hero, but the villain?

As soon as she realized that she had misinterpreted the role, she decided to get away from Nocton.

“Let’s not meet anymore.”

But the villain’s reaction was strange.

“Don’t go. You’ve always been special to me.”

She was suspicious of his sudden change of attitude.

Will she able to get rid of Nocton safely?

I Became the Tyrant's Secretary

I became the secretary of a tyrant in place of my clumsy brother to survive.

But I have so much potential for it. I’m so darn good at my job. Because I served the tyrant so well, ‘Everyone has a happy ending’.

Well then, shall I quit being a secretary and live a leisurely life now?

“Rosaline, tell me what you want.” He asked as he stepped down from his chair.

“I want to quit.”

His eyebrows twitched slightly.

“Do you want to die?”

Your highness, you never hold on to people who want to leave, so why’re you being like this to me?

Seduce the Villainess Father

After being in a bus crash, I woke up to the world of my favourite web novel.

Not only that, It was before the protagonists were born, to their parents’ world!

To stop the incoming multiple bad events.

I tried to prevent the kidnapping of the sister who is pregnant with the female lead!

But I got kidnapped instead?!

It's depressing to be kidnapped, but my body couldn't handle the mana and became a sunfish-like state

But... if I am next to the emperor who kidnapped me, my body becomes normal!

Right! The way to save that man from marrying a witch and getting killed by his son, and for someone who is vulnerable to mana such as myself to live, is for us to get married!

The Villains Savior

Set on a path to tragedy and misfortune from a young age, Aseph Randell is doomed to die a villain. That is, until the mysterious Elzay Tiathe appears in his life with a promise: "I can save you." After having vivid visions of him for so long, can Elzay untangle the twisted fate tied to Aseph... or will they both be dragged down together?

Contemporary Manhwa/Manga:

Night Crying Crow

This woman; who is she?

If something was action, it'd be action. If something was romance, it’d be romance. The A-list actor Cheon Woo Kang, who's great at every (genre), had his heart stolen away by an unknown woman who’d broken into his house!

“We'll meet again.~"

Woo Kang contracted an over imaginative illness as he drew the woman, whose name he didn't even know. In front of Woo Kang, she reappeared as the police officer Park Tae... Could the shadow of the crisis that appeared in front of them be a coincidence?

Raise wa Tanin ga Ii

Yoshino Somei would have been a normal high-schooler if not for the fact that she is the granddaughter of the leader of the Osaka-based Somei Group, the Kansai region's largest yakuza organization. One day, Yoshino hurries home after hearing of the news about the unification of Kansai and Kanto's biggest syndicates, the Somei and the Miyama groups. This, according to the article, will result in a marriage of the leaders' grandchildren—one of whom is Yoshino herself! Despite her best efforts to annul the arrangement, Yoshino has to go to Tokyo to visit her fiancé, Kirishima Miyama, who is unexpectedly nice and charming.

During their first meeting, Yoshino is swept up in various events and becomes unable to refuse moving to Tokyo, which is why, half a year later, she now lives with the Miyama group. At school, she soon realizes that Kirishima is very popular, so her relationship with him garners the hate of his fangirls and subsequently results in bullying. To make matters worse, Kirishima could not be further away from her prince charming since he, after all, was born to be a yakuza member.

Raise wa Tanin ga Ii follows Yoshino and her new life in Tokyo that is filled with nothing but troubles connected to the underworld. However, though she wishes to be as far from it as possible, this isn't Yoshino's first time dealing with the world of the Yakuza...

Positively Yours

To Hee-won’s dismay, the BFF she crushed on and her other BFF are now dating! Seriously bummed, Hee-won decides to go wild just one time, and find solace with a handsome stranger. A very satisfying one night affair has now turned into more — she’s pregnant! Fate brings them together again, and now the regimented Doo-joon is determined to do the right thing and marry her. But they’re basically strangers! Except... their bodies have been very intimately acquainted. What’s this mother-to-be to do?

True Beauty

After binge-watching beauty videos online, a shy comic book fan masters the art of makeup and sees her social standing skyrocket as she becomes her school’s prettiest pretty girl overnight. But will her elite status be short-lived? How long can she keep her real self a secret? And what about that cute boy who knows her secret?

Cheese In the Trap

Hong Sul is a ordinary college student. Yoo Jung is the school's most popular upperclass man. He's good looking, rich, smart, and even nice. However, Hong Sul thinks there's more to Yoo Jung than what meets the eye…

SPY x FAMILY

The master spy codenamed has spent his days on undercover missions, all for the dream of a better world. But one day, he receives a particularly difficult new order from command. For his mission, he must form a temporary family and start a new life?! A Spy/Action/Comedy about a one-of-a-kind family!

Doppio Senso (18+)

“What are you thinking about?”

“I’m thinking about a guy.”

KyungHyun stopped in the middle of a deep kiss and sighed. His lips began to form a smile, but his fierce glare said otherwise. Possessiveness and jealousy spread across his sculpted face.

“Will you tell me his name?”

His easygoing and languid voice reached her ears.

“Why?”

“So that I can shoot him down.”

[briannawhiteme]

I recently watched the 25th Anniversary Concert version and film version of Les Miserables and have been listening to the Complete 3-disk Philharmonic Recording that I bought at a thrift store for $1.

Les Mis shocked me when I first watched it that the story doesn't fit a classic tragedy. The "breeding pair" (as my college Shakespeare/Renaissance Literature prof called them) survive and are paired together to be fruitful and multiply.

While I was listening to the soundtrack on my way home yesterday and again today (as one does), it hit me that there's a secondary reason it's not a tragedy. All of the main characters achieve their goals. Please keep in mind that I'm going based on the musical, as I have not read the novel or watched any of the other.

Jean Valjean

Valjean has two goals in the narrative.

1. He wants to be free.

2. He wants to make up for his transgressions by fulfilling his promise to Fantine of taking care of Cosette and ensuring that she "will want for nothing."

By the end of the musical, Valjean dies a free man no longer on the run from Javert. His adopted daughter, Cosette, is happily married to Maria's, a rich, moral, young man who adores her and will make sure she is taken care, and she and her husband love and respect him, even after hearing his backstory.

Cosette

Cosette takes after her father and also has two goals.

1. She wants to know the truth about her father's and her own pasts.

2. She wants to no longer be lonely.

By the end of the musical, her father shares with her their backstories, and she is no longer lonely after marrying Marius who adores her and wants to spend the rest of their days together.

Fantine

Fantine wants:

1. Cosette, her daughter, to be taken care of

Even her own death is foreshadowed, she begs God to kill her if that means that Cosette, who she was told is ill, survives. The deal is taken. She dies, but her death is what makes Valjean feel guilty, forcing him to find and adopt Cosette. She also sings that she will see Cosette when she wakes, and at the end of the musical, as Valjean dies, Fantine returns from the dead, seeing her daughter again as she leads Valjean to Heaven.

Javert

Despite how often he talks about capturing Valjean, in his big song Stars, he doesn't mention Valjean once. Javert's goal is:

1. To be like the stars and fulfill his purpose in the universe.

While it's on a meta-level, he does so. Javert is consistently the reason the narrative moves forward and when he no longer is able to fulfill his purpose, he "falls" as he describes the stars doing when they are no longer able to fulfill their purpose.

Marius

Marius is interesting when he sings because he never truly states a want other than being with Cosette. He makes requests of other characters and describes how he feels in the moment, but he doesn't truly show unhappiness with his situation. If I had to say what his goal is, then I'd say he wants to belong, to be a part of something. He first has this belonging from being one of the barricade boys, but by the end, he has found the sense of belonging he wants from being with Cosette.

Eponine

Eponine wants:

1. Marius to love her, to be beside her, to show her that he cares for her.

In A Little Fall of Rain, Eponine gets the one thing she's always wanted. Marius is not thinking about the Revolution, or pining for Cosette, or calling her a tease. Marius holds her and tells her he cares about her as she dies in his arms. Then he goes into battle the next day with her name on his lips.

Gavroche

Gavroche is a literal child and also the smartest, most competent character in the musical. I won't hear arguments on this fact.

He wants:

1. To be a part of the revolution and show his worth to the barricade boys.

He does, repeatedly. He's the one who tells them that General LeMarque is dead, that they can't trust the Thenardiers, and that Javert is a spy.

As he tells Javert after outing him as a spy and police inspector:

"And little people know

When little people fight

We may look easy pickings

But we've got some bite"

Gavroche is not just some little kid or Dickensian orphan waif that lets the world push him around. He bares his teeth and fights back until he dies in battle.

The Thenardiers

The Thenardiers want:

1. Cash

2. No repercussions for their actions

They get what they want. They get paid by Fantine for 'caring' for Cosette; they get paid by Valjean so that he can take Cosette away; and they get paid by Marius to go away when they show up at his and Cosette's wedding. They are never punished by the narrative in a way that matters to them. They are never arrested, and they never lose their meager wealth. They are bolder and more well off every time the audience sees them.

In their own words:

"Clear away the barricades, and we're still there! / We know where the wind is blowing / Money is the stuff we smell"

This line is especially hard to stomach because Eponine, their own daughter, was killed at the barricade (and Gavroche, a child, who is their son in the novel).

In the game of life, despite being horrible people, the Thenardiers, the "beggars at the feast," win again and again.

The Barracade Boys

As a collective, they want:

1. Their "little lives" to mean something. They want to take a stand and have an impact on the world.

They do. The revolution lead by the Barracade Boys changes the futures of every other character in the play, and, on a meta-level, we know that modern day, democratic France was created by the actions of revolutionaries like them. Yes, they die, but they all repeat several times that they do not mind dying in battle.

[esmeraldabheriya]

lanterns | self para

They always say the biggest tragedy a person can deal with is living longer then their children. For human’s, that would normally mean an accident or illness had taken them far too soon. For the leader of Thoda Laal’s pack, it meant that she had lived too long. Tragedy was certainly part of it as well. While she would have liked to lay the blame solely on her ex-husband’s shoulders, Esme shouldered some of that blame and pain as well. 

On the night of the Spirit Party, her children had come together to make lanterns that would represent the brother’s they had lost. With her eldest son, Ravi, and her youngest daughter, Leela, they put notes of memories and hopes and dreams they had for the ones they had lost. It was a good way to wish them well in the afterlife. For Esme, she also had her apologies to write for them. 

Each carried their own lantern to the edge of the river, ready to light with the others who would send them out into the water. Esme carried one for her first born, Kanan. The son that was torn away from her cruelly by his father who didn’t think he was strong enough because he was born a beta. It was never Kanan’s fault, her sweet boy, he had brought so much love into their lives but his father was too obsessed with power. Kanan’s death at his father’s hand had been the changing point in all their lives. Many years had passed but Esme’s heart still ached for his loss.

Kanan wasn’t the only loss she had suffered, that their family had suffered. Two more of her sons had passed, one because of her ex-husband and one because of her. The children beside her carried the lanterns for Niranjan and Ehan, both with their own messages and regrets that came with them. Loss had hit them all differently, Ravi mourned openly, unafraid to cry as he felt their loss with his whole heart. Leela was stoic as always, stronger than all her brother’s and she would soon surpass even her. 

Esme was torn between the two, tears in her eyes as she knelt at the river edge, not caring if mud or grass stained her grey saree. The tears would not spill but her heart would continue to ache even after the lanterns were lit and in the water, ready to be released. 

As symbolic as the act was, it would not soothe or ease the loss and she knew there would be more to come. She was too stubborn to die but sometimes she wondered if she should just let go. Feeling Leela’s hand on her shoulder, she shook herself from darker thoughts and instead whispered a soft prayer to the gods of her childhood. ‘Take care of my babies, my heart. They deserved better than either I or Wolfram could ever give them.’

Nodding at her children, they released the lanterns and watched as they moved down the river along with the others. It was like watching their souls pass on even though she knew it wasn’t true. Still, Esme hoped that they knew how loved they were and how much pain she still carried now they were gone. 

[lubdubsworld]

物の哀れ ~ ( the sadness of things )

( Note : This is just a personal post for myself. I’m trying to just make a record of how the fic was conceived and all that I experienced, writing this fic ) 

Inspiration :

So, I ran into an article on Japanese words and I was incredibly fascinated by the phrase , Mono no aware or the pathos of things : Basically the sadness of things. It was a very unusual concept to me because it could be interpreted in so many ways. 

A little bit of digging around made me realize that some people linked it to the cherry blossom season where the flowers come into full bloom and add such a delicate beauty to the landscape. But of course, being seasonal, the beauty lasts for a very small time. The flowers die and their life ends . 

its fleeting and passes by quite soon.  So the sadness of things is basically how, the fact that something is fleeting or seasonal or about to end, should not take away from our enjoyment of things. Because yes the cherry blossoms die but people still flock to watch the cherry blossoms. 

The phrase came to me at a very troubled time in my life. 

My mother’s sister passed and she had raised me for a few years. I loved her deeply and she was only a couple of years older than my mother. Death was a thing that I had always viewed in abstract. The loss of a loved one was not something I had experienced on a very personal level, so it shook me.

 And of course, being the person I am , I did what I always do when I get overwhelmed : Research. 

I combed through reddit forums on grief, through blogs written by people who had lost loved ones , through blogs by psychotherapists, through online websites offering grief counselling and everything I could think of.

What fascinated me were two things :

 1. ) The non linear nature of healing ~ the stages of grief is a myth. Nobody goes through stages of emotional turmoil and then magically becomes better. 

By the way the whole stages of grief was formulated with reference to a terminally ill person coming to terms with their own death .

 So, it couldn’t really be applied to people dealing with the loss of a loved one. At least not directly.

And the second, one, 

2.) The very personal nature of grief ~ depending on how the relationship with the lost one is, grief varies. I realized then that only someone who had lost a loved one would know what its like. No one else could ever possibly understand the grief and pain that comes from loss.

As Heejin says in the sadness of things,” I would never know what his loss was like, because I would never know what he lost.” 

 It gave me a whole new perspective on how grief at the end of the day has to be a personal journey of healing , one that no one else can help you through. You need to live and hurt through every excruciating second of it. 

 There’s still so much I want to say about this but I’ll stop here. I’ll probably add to this as days go by. But yes, this wasn’t a fic that i wrote on a whim. It was something of a research project for me. An exploration of grief and healing. 

Thank you for joining me in this journey. It was definitely one of the most fulfilling ones I’ve ever had. 

  The Story :~

You can read it here :

⋆⋆✵ 物の哀れ ( ‘the sadness of things’.)  ✵⋆⋆

Chapter 1  ⋆  Chapter 2  ⋆  Chapter 3  ⋆  Chapter 4  ⋆  Chapter 5  ⋆

Chapter 6  ⋆ Chapter 7   ⋆  Chapter 8.  ⋆ Chapter 9.    Chapter 10.

Extra Drabble

Completed.

Alpha! Jungkook x Omega ! OC.

ABO Dynamics.

Genre : Arranged Marriage / Temporary contractual Marriage.

Warnings : Non- Con/ Extremely Dubious Consent . High functioning alcoholism. Genre related consent issues. Implied suicidal thoughts.

Summary : A recently widowed Jungkook agrees to a contract marriage to keep his company afloat. His grief overwhelms him and it is hard to look at his new wife as anything other than an intruder .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The characters :

Oh, boy. 

 I could go on about these two for years. 

 Jungkook and Heejin. 

Let me start with Jungkook : 

Jungkook in the fic came to me as a very troubled young man. In the fic he starts off as a very depressed young man. The opening scene of him staring listlessly into a bowl of cereal while his friends talk to him and Heejin just watches if from my own experience with depression in 2017. 

I would be numb in my body and mind with no idea what was going on around me and it seemed like everyone made all the choices for me while i just flowed along. It was a battle getting up in the morning. I had nothing to look forward to. Nothing to hope for. 

So Jungkook , depressed and confused and reeling from loss is our hero. 

Our main man. 

The one I wanted you guys to root for. 

The one I wanted you guys to see yourself in, in those moments when your pain and trauma changes you. 

When you’ve always been a soft spoken, kind hearted person but suddenly the pain overwhelms you and you just want to scream the place down. You want to hurt and hurt and hurt because you’re hurting and you don’t know how to process it. 

Jungkook’s journey is fraught with pain, endured and inflicted . He loses himself and his identity. 

He’s a CEO, a father and a husband and he can’t be any of those things, because of his grief. So there it was the three things I wanted him to find and love and enjoy by the end of the fic  :

His career doing something he loves :

Fatherhood raising the daughter he was blessed with : our lovely mina who I modeled on my own daughter ( and loved just as much ) 

and finally,

 A Love that was unconditional and beautiful. That maybe new and different from what he had lost in his wife but just as, if not more fulfilling. 

And so I stumbled into the woman who forever changed the way I perceived myself : Lee Heejin. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writing Heejin in this fic is so cathartic for me.

For years, I’ve been her. The voice of reason, the one to compromise. I would be the one every single person in the family would call , anytime anything went wrong.

Kind. Smart. She’ll know what to do.  She’ll never say no. She’s always laughing. So witty. She’s so funny.

The phrases just blur in my head. I’ve been this emotional punching bag for people for so long. I had a very abusive father and honestly no one was there to listen to me talk about him. If i tried, they would always ask me  what I did to make him behave that way.

So , if you think Heejin is a pushover, that she’s giving too much of herself to people who don’t deserve.....just know that sometimes, saying no and standing your ground is a privilege not everyone can afford. And because I’d been there i understood her.

That isn’t all she is though. She is also someone who  knows that she doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. At no point in the fic does Heejin see Jungkook’s actions as anything other than the abuse it is and for that i will always be proud of her. 

Heejin’s healing is much more complicated. She isn’t really healed at the end of the fic...because to be honest , I’m not healed and I don’t know what its like to be ....But she is on the path to it, and that’s what matters. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

[smolvenger]

Stella or Essex or The Vicar's Wife Betrayed Series, Chapter 4: Peonies

Pairing: Stella/William, eventually Stella/Male OC. Actually, it's Stella Ransome/Happiness and William Ransome/Being Held Accountable and Facing Consequences for Cheating on his Wife

Warnings: Eventual Major Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of two children, grief, children, Religion, Slow Burn to the Drama (tm) Descriptions of pregnancy, childbirth, and including a stillbirth so lots of ANGST and then lots of fluff. Foreshadowing. Divergence from canon, Being Anti-Will and Anti-C*ra (Fuck you, Sarah Perry), Stella has to give Joanna The Talk (tm).

Chapter Summary: Stella gives birth to five children from her marriage to William. Two die. After the loss, she receives a sign of hope. A mysterious occurrence gives way to rumors of a creature in her home, a threat to her young family.

Prologue//One//Two//Three

A03 Link

COMMENTS AND REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED!!!

Word Count for Chapter: 9K!! (We're speedrunning 13 years and five kids so she is THICC! Go get a snack)

Stella and William Ransome are very happy together and adore their quiet domestic life. They live for each other and their three children, and William also loves and takes seriously his job as a priest in his parish in the village of Aldwinter. They had two other children who died, but despite suffering such tragedy, their marriage remains strong and as loving as ever- TV Tropes, under "Happily Married: Literature."

“They say we live secure at home, while they are at the wars, with their sorry reasoning, for I would gladly take my stand in battle array three times o'er, than once give birth.”- Medea by Euripides, Coleridge Translation

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies." Proverbs 31:10.

On Christmas day that year, I felt my stomach turn constantly. I tried to distract myself from the current merriment. Our families had gathered and delighted in games and gifts. I even took note of my in-laws. They were dressed in nice, smooth silks and owned pocket watches that glittered. The Matriarch Mrs. Ransome had several rings and a necklace with a real ruby in it.

They handed me a large box wrapped in beautiful, creamy wrapping paper. I had to open it carefully so as not to ruin it. Inside was a new dress made of silk.

“Why…it’s! It’s…”

“A beautiful daughter-in-law should have a beautiful dress to match, his letters did not exaggerate about you, my dear” Mrs. Ransome said kindly.

“Thank you, you’re very kind!” I replied.

I wanted to show respect for their high station and gratitude, especially as the new family member. I participated in Blind Man’s Bluff and exchanged every carefully selected gift for my in-laws and new husband. But there was a great, queasy pain in the middle of my stomach that not even my corset could help with. I had only had one glass of wine as was usual. We were careful with drinking. William would drink one glass of sherry every other evening I only had one glass of wine on holidays. Was I already drunk? I couldn’t be.

It was dark by the time everyone had retired away so I could flee upstairs to the bedroom.

I sat down before the fire. Its warmth was comforting and standing around only increased my pain. I could even lie down halfway down on the floor, curling up my legs as I did as a child when my stomach hurt.

The door opened and I heard my husband’s footsteps.

“Are you alright? Are you hurt?” he asked.

“My stomach…I feel ill…” I replied.

The fire cracked before us. Then the color in William’s face drained in a second. His eyes grew big and he clasped both hands on my shoulders.

“Stella…when was the last time you had your…your- unmentionable?” he asked.

We looked at each other. It struck me like lightning.

“Why do you ask?”

“I only ask because…”

“I…I don’t remember…”

Amid planning and helping run the Christmas services for the first time as well as the shopping and continuing social duties to the community…. I forgot to even note that something I normally expected monthly had not arrived.

We could only clasp hands. Then he brought his lips to my cheek to kiss as a comfort.

The next day it was open, and we ran to the doctor. During an hour of the visit, he looked at the sample, felt my body, and gave a wide smile. He went to William and shook his hand.

“Congratulations! Reverend, your wife is expecting a baby! Father Ransome indeed!”

He held onto the hand in brief shock and then released it, laughing and smiling out of relief and celebration. He even gave me a hug plainly in front of the doctor. But finally, both our expectations and our prayers were met. I had to rush home, go to the desk, and write to every member of my family with all of that bound excitement…I am pregnant! I wrote it down over and over. I am pregnant! I am pregnant! I am pregnant!

The house was bought and prepared to expect that we would have children. It was the expectation. At least four months after I was married even strangers in town would ask if I was pregnant yet. There were multiple rooms and so far, upstairs, there was the bedroom for us, a study for my husband, a third little flight of stairs leading to an attic for storage, but one special room to be preserved as a nursery and bedroom for little ones.

For my beloved Bible Study, I could hardly wait for when it to come back. We would devote ourselves to all sorts of fascinating insights on what scripture said, enjoy each other’s cooking, and then indulge ourselves in whatever tidbits there were. Especially considering my position, I had to know it. Sometimes the more scandalous ones I had a curiosity for.

Yes, it was gossip, but that feels such a natural thing to do among the women of a small town. It was like the weekly chapters released in newspapers- updates on who married who, changes in fortune, births, deaths, leavings- I would be on the edge of my seat to hear and discover the latest updates. Sometimes…perhaps sometimes, I could help.

6. Build relationships with women in the church to support, encourage and model Godliness to them.

Perhaps being married to the town priest was a gift all along, I would reflect. I could use this to help others. So far, it had not been as terrifying as first copying the list made so. I could help them, and I did. Families in need of money or arms to hold their babies and children. A prayer and sweeping off bottles for a drunkard. Some unhappy wives went up to me in tears, thanking them for assisting them in delivering their babies, praying for them, or offering to bake them a pie.

The first one in January I put on my thickest scarf and a coat with large pockets. The snow crunched beneath my feet as I walked to Mrs. Lee’s house. They were gathered in her pink parlor- chairs around on top of the pink rug. Women crowded around, trying to move the bustles on the back of their dresses to make room for all of us. The women had their thick wools and linen dresses on, and the fireplace was roaring. In the corner, there was a pot of tea and a plate with some plain biscuits- much needed after all the rich food from December. What I loved most was getting to know each of these women who would come in and greet me.

I learned all their names by heart now. But a gaggle of them were surrounding one that evening. Fanny was smiling and flashing a ring on her left hand. I could hardly restrain myself from gasping.

“Why…you don’t mean…really! You’re engaged!” I yelped.

We all smiled and applauded at her. She even showed me the diamond ring for inspection.

“Is it the Austrian fellow? Mr…Mr. Kroeger, isn’t it?” I asked.

“Yes! Vince! The best man in all the world!” she confirmed, nodding her dark head.

“The mechanic? Doesn’t he have a telegram…and he plays with all that electricity nonsense!” Mrs. Rogers commented.

“It’s not nonsense, it’s helpful!” a Mrs.Moore would interject.

Fanny stood between them, waving her arms to ask for peace.

“Oh, but that doesn’t matter now! I love him and he loves me, and I love him and we’re getting married- that’s all!” Fanny chided.

I felt grateful. She had introduced me to William in the first place and now she had her own man to love equally.

“Oh, you’ve been swooning for him forever, Fanny! I’m so happy for you!” I commented and gave her a little hug.

As we read passages and discussed them, even scribbling notes in our Bibles, the plates of biscuits were disappearing. Then Mrs. Lee looked over at me.

“Why are you so quiet today, Mrs. Ransome? You hardly had two words to speak, and we’re discussing Job! Of all the people in town, you should have the book memorized by now…”

“I have something…I was hesitant. I don’t wish to spoil Fanny’s fun…” I said, biting the inside of my lip. Secretly, I was glad someone noticed my silence and asked.

“No, you never could!” Fanny insisted, leaning closer to me even though she sat across me in the circle of chairs, Bible in lap.

Their eyes grew large. “What is it?”

From inside my Bible, I pulled out a small blue sock that I had sewed up. They erupted in applause and cheers and excitement.

“A baby! A Baby! Congratulations!”

“It’s my first…I’m thrilled, I’m frightened too. I never…I never felt sick all the time and yet craved to eat and sometimes I feel normal and yet sometimes I sense it inside me…” I confessed.

The mothers, young and old, gathered near me. At once they began talking about their own experiences. They told me what to expect. I could only hold my tongue, listen, and nod. We let out far later than normal and returned to our homes under the black sky and white snow.

With that excitement also comes fear when one is first pregnant. I would feel so ill that I would vomit in the mornings. I kept having to excuse myself to the chamber pots and outhouses. I had to often lie down and rest after two visits or one church service, staring up into the ceiling. But in those early days, I could carry about as normal as much as I could. When another woman needed help with the delivery of a baby, I would want to be present to know what to expect. I was more knowledgeable even as I flinched at each scream.

It was as the months passed that I became heavier and heavier. On the day of Fanny’s wedding, my large stomach seemed to touch the pew in front of me as I watched the ceremony. Then the child inside me would sometimes kick.

Every woman in town gave me recipes and stories and advice. We began preparing a room with a crib and were lucky to receive all sorts of gifts for the baby. All while I felt sick and the size of a whale all while dreading that day of the ninth month for the pain alone…. It was not uncommon for women to die in the childbed still. What if it was too complicated? What if amid expecting a new life, I Was counting down the days to my death? In our sewing circles, we began to sew our own mourning shrouds.

But once the day arrived. William was in the forest on a hunting trip with the other local men and water suddenly burst from me. I began screaming in fear. What was going on even? My body was splitting apart, and it felt so much different than watching. My sister held my hand and led me upstairs to the bed. My mother ran out. Then every woman in town arrived in a flurry along with the doctor. They were crowded in my room, the door kept opening back and forth. I felt the pain split apart my lower body and everything was spinning. I kept crying and clinging to my mother’s forearm as she urged me to breathe and push. Mrs. May kept dabbing my face with cold water as a comfort.

But at last, there was a cry and not from me. The pain was stopping. The doctor’s head poked into my field of vision as he brought forth a small bundle in his arms and placed it in mine.

“It’s a girl!” he announced.

My mother kissed my head and every woman in that room asked after me, cleaning the bloody sheets and sighing.

I saw her. My daughter. At once the pain was forgotten and instead was great relief and joy. The door swung open and this time I saw William. He stepped forward and the doctor moved the baby from my arms into his. He looked down at the child’s face and after looked at mine. His face was streamed with joyous tears.

“We’ll call her Joanna.” He told me.

The baby would cry into the night and up late I would usually be there, far more than William was, to nurse and rock the infant back to sleep. To change diapers, feed, burp, and clean after spit-ups and messes, and carry the weight of that small human life in my arms. I made sure to eat fewer sweets and walk and garden frequently to be back to my normal size again and hear William call me “beautiful” once more. My mother was in town and often I would write or show up at the door with burning questions about what I should do.

I could not tell you the number of times, as I sat there on the front row of church every week, that the baby would burst into such violent cries in the middle of the service.

9. Attend Sunday services regularly and sit visibly so your husband always knows he has at least one ally in the congregation.

But a baby wailing could rock the earth- I had to try and rock the baby to calmness outside many a service.

This process was repeated five times in my life within a decade. But as you may recall, my first was a girl called Joanna and I said that I have two sons.

The second pregnancy was milder. I discovered it half a year after Joanna arrived in our lives. I felt still exhausted throughout my duties of having to immediately repeat the process of pregnancy. Oh, but there still was excitement. As we lay in bed, William would put a hand over my stomach and tell me as we drifted off to sleep. The last thing I recall hearing before going asleep was this:

“…and if it’s a boy, we’ll call him Joseph…”

Another flurry of months and I felt the breaking of water beneath me again. Our second child was on the way.

But what scared me as I walked around, my lower body pulling and twisting itself, was that I Was bleeding. Bleeding far more profusely than normal. I managed, with great effort, to push the child out of me.

I still screamed and cried as he did what he could to make sure I delivered it. The women again surrounded me to help. Downstairs, I smelled pipe smoke, and I knew the other fathers were sampling the Ransome sherry as normal, yet I felt as if the world around me would explode in flames as I pushed and pushed. I saw women bringing out more bloody clothes than the first time.

But after it was announced that a head was seen. I heard no crying. The doctor looked at me through his glasses, holding a bloody bundle. He was frowning.

“Mrs. Ransome…your baby died while it was still in your stomach.”

I began to sob again. It was not the face William was expecting to see when he was sent upstairs.

It was a girl.

It was not long until I was pregnant again. It felt constant. As I said, William could not resist a night of passion with me, and I could not resist a night of passion with him so I would oblige him.

Again, exhaustion for almost an entire year throughout my duties. Again, great pain in the ninth month. Again, push, push, push, push Mrs. Ransome, push.

But I heard a cry.

This time it was another girl. Julianna Ransome. A sweet, pretty thing. The prettiest baby I ever saw. Even Joanna, now three, would gaze at her and smile. She would feed little Julianna her peas from her dinner plate and want to dress her up like one of her dolls.

Again, she would cry during Sunday services. And with another little girl by my side, if one cried, I had to walk both out by me.

“Our Father Who Art in Heaven” could not be heard over Julianna’s lungs.

It would ricochet off the stone walls and drown everyone in its piercing sound, overpowering any psalm. I had no choice but to leave the church, one arm under Julianna and the other walking out Joanna with everyone watching.

"Let us wait a moment while she gets out," William announced.

I made no reply about it after. He continued his sermon inside.

Julianna lived for a year.

Both girls fell ill. They lay in their bed and cradles, foreheads burning. I recall William putting a cloth on Joana one evening as I held Julianna kept wailing as I attempted to spoon-feed her medicine. At midnight, Joanna blinked and looked around. She began to wiggle around in her seat like normal without the heaviness in her movements from illness.

“Her fever, Stella, it’s broken! Joanna’s fever is broken!” he cheered.

Julianna cried. Then stopped. Her pale skin turned grey, and she closed her eyes. Her body was suddenly heavier. As I undid her clothes and felt where her tiny heart was, it had stopped beating.

14. Raise healthy, well-balanced children and be present for them.

I could not remember crying as much as feeling Julianna’s life slip out of her body as I held her in my arms. Losing my children was the second saddest moment of my life.

In the graveyard near the church, you will find two small crosses with two small angel statues. Those crosses I would bedeck with flowers on Saturdays, making sure they were fresh. On one, you will find the name “JOSEPHINE RANSOME” and on the other “JULIANNE RANSOME.”

The second month after Julianne’s funeral, I had a dream that kept me so shaken, it could not escape me even as I woke. It felt too visceral, too real. Most of all, it terrified me.

I dreamt I saw them. The two daughters I lost. Only they did not look like infants. They had grown to be little children. Both had long, light blonde hair like mine. Their skin was so pale it was translucent, glowing. They wore little white dresses full of ruffles on the skirts. I was so far away, and yet I could see them. They were alone in a crowd, wandering. Blood was falling from their mouths. They ran around, asking for help from strangers- any at all and each one kept refusing them. I kept trying to run to them but could never reach them.

The scene then shifted from the town to the church.

I was outside, watching the inside of the church through the stained-glass windows.

The bleeding girls wandered inside. William was preaching in his white robes with his arms outstretched on the pulpit. His eyes went from looking at the sky to the open door, looking away into the distance. The girls ran to him, tugging his robes and begging for help. Their bloody coughs spilled bits of red on him.

“Papa! Papa! We’re dying, papa! Papa, please! Papa! Help us!”

He ignored their cries.

I was pounding my fists on the windows, screaming at him. It wasn’t proper to scream, but I Was so frightened, desperate for him to carry those girls, his daughters, our daughters, to a doctor. Or maybe to hold them, be there for them in what could be their last moments. to help those sickly girls, that they were his daughters, that they needed him.

But instead, he walked right outside and wandered to the muddy marshes. A faraway figure- blurry in its exact shape- awaited him, beckoning him, and he could hear nothing else but its silent call pulling him away. With his long white sleeves, he seemed like a ghost. He was more drawn to the figure than the screams of the dying girls.

I ran into the church but by then, the two girls dropped lifelessly to the floor, blood spluttering from their mouths as I heard their voices. I ran over, cradling and embracing the two girls. They looked at me with their large blue eyes, just like their fathers. They spoke. But it was no longer a plea for themselves.

“Save yourself Mama…. save yourself…”

I woke up in a heartbeat. My eyes blinked, adjusting to our room in the dark. It was so quick it woke him up next to me. I began crying and William hugged and comforted me. I did not have the heart to tell him what I dreamt of.

I wrote it down in my little journal and kept it away from him. I didn’t dare speak of the dream, but he knew it upset me. Perhaps he knew it was a dream of the girls, at least. He knew I grieved for them so much. He did too.

It was so much so, that the times we coupled for the next year he made sure I would not get pregnant. There were women to help move in, spare coins to be given to beggars, as well as making sure Easter and then Christmas would go well. I had Joanna. She needed to be fed and dressed and cleaned and calmed after a tantrum. She was starting to walk and talk more. Now I could hold her hand as she waddled her way to church on Sunday for her father.

My own siblings were growing up as well. Dante and Elliott had already married and moved to London for better jobs, tiring of country life. Brian took up at the mill- saving money to move to Bath, he hoped, and have his own farm.

By then, Edith was staying to look after Mama and Papa but had her own job at a local shop. One day, the shop owner’s nephew, a handsome gentleman named Edgar Woodard, finally arrived and took a shine to her. He stayed longer in town and even after he went back home to another city, he kept finding ways to visit Aldwinter. And not for the beach.

Before we knew it, she had her romance at last and was engaged to be married to him once he had saved enough money for a home. Millwork was getting too much for my father as his bones got weaker and lost more of his greying hair. He made plans to retire. But it was a delight to have them around, especially to look after my little Joanna as I attended to members of the town weekly.

7. Reach out to those outside and facilitate relationships with all- women or men in the congregation.

One spring day I had numerous errands to attend to and my parents were at the home to care for the little girl. I had recently delivered some baked bread for one new woman. I tried to be polite and address her by her last name, but she kept shaking her head and insisted “Call me Martha” before taking the bread pan. She had too much to unpack to have me stay longer and talk. But she offered her gratitude for the welcome.

After I called on Mrs. Moore. She was leaning down to trim the bushes outside of her house when she turned and saw me walking down the road.

“Ah! Lady Ransome herself! A delight! Would you like to come in?” she offered, standing up.

I curtsied, smiled, and said yes. We both went inside her kitchen. Her husband was at work and her children at school and the lack of sound was nearly unsettling.

“How is the children’s Sunday School? I needed to make sure you had it ready…” I asked as she took off her green stained apron.

She sighed, “Teaching it’s new to me- and there are so many! They’re practically jumping off the walls!”

“Don’t worry…I’m here to help you…Children need pictures or things to interact with when you teach them! I’ll show you what I’ve noticed…”

As we went over ideas of what the class on David and Goliath could be taught, my stomach soured. But I hadn’t touched any of her cake. It grew gradually worse and worse. Eventually, I could not stand it.

“I…I, oh, I’m so sorry…” I excused myself. “I think I might need to leave early…”

I got up and clutched at my stomach.

“Mrs. Ransome?” she asked.

“I…I don’t mean to be rude; I only feel…I feel…”

There was a sudden rise of bile in my throat. Up, up, up, and it wanted to hurl out. I stepped away, holding it in. It wanted out, out, but I would not humiliate myself as a guest! I found a chair and gripped it, knuckles white from holding back the sick.

“Mrs. Ransome! Oh!”

She got a dirty bowl and placed it under me. I vomited out into it.

“Oh! Poor lamb! You poor thing!” she commented, gently patting my back.

She let me lay down on her couch. The doctor was fetched.

Please…please God, please no… I prayed silently.

I was careful in William's bed, but apparently not careful enough. The doctor arrived and examined me to confirm my worst fear.

“Congratulations are in order, Mrs. Ransome, you are expecting….should I fetch your husband?”

“Yes, you should…” I said flatly.

William immediately ran over but that was him when he worried, breaking out into a run-, almost knocking over vases in his distress. He held my hands and cupped my worried face.

“It’ll be alright…we’re going to have another sweet baby, my dear…” he tried to assure me.

Yes…another little one. A sweet round face with bright eyes, tiny clothes, and babbling like wind chimes. I told myself this was good news. But I silently resented any congrats.

But I thought of them…of my two dead daughters. How this one would die or bleed out or worse or live to be struck dead in my arms again.

I was far more nervous. I paced at night, struggling to sleep. I sewed more frequently to give myself something to do. In the privacy of our bedroom, I would cling to William and cry and cry and grieve Julianna and Josephine, and now the doomed child inside me.

I even stopped by the graves daily.

I would place my hand on Josephine’s and then Julianna's. I wiped away more coming tears. Then I looked up at the sky. I closed my eyes and placed my palms together.

2. You are to maintain daily prayer with God.

“God…please…please keep me calm. Find a way to soothe me. I ask you- give me peace! Give me the peace that passes all understanding! Speak to me and comfort me, I need it! And I need you, Oh God! If you are able, let me see something! Let me see something to know You are there for me and always will be, no matter what in my life! Show me a sign, please, if you can now!” I prayed.

When I opened my eyes, I noticed something on the grass. Something that during my tortured thoughts I never saw before.

In front of the gravestones were two of the prettiest blue wildflowers I had ever seen. Two! Each one is alike. Like the two girls had been. Like in their fates. Like in the sounds of their names. Like in their innocence and beauty. Like in how I carried and brought them forth despite the pain in my body. And alike in how I still loved them.

I began walking around the other graves. The blue wildflowers were starting to grow around there. Usually, if you go out to the forest, you must search like mad to find any semblance of blue at all. Yet here it was…everywhere.

In this graveyard and all this death…there was life. From dead bodies, these things of beauty grew, smiled, gave a scent, welcomed bees and bugs, and carried on. There was a large beneath one grave with an angel statue. I leaned down and plucked one flower-holding its fragile, green stem with the thumbs and forefingers of both of my hands.

If something fragile like that could survive and thrive amongst death, so would this child. And me.

There was my peace. There was my sign.

I looked up to the sky and whispered a silent thank you to God. I went home and pressed the flower.

Since that day, I kept finding blue everywhere. And it gave me a semblance of peace when I was frightened about the upcoming baby. Any blue flower I found I would now pluck and press. During those frightening nights, I would light a candle, open the book to see the blue flowers I pressed, remember the promise, and return to sleep deeply.

I asked William if we could walk by the beach after church and take Jo with us for one week. Looking down, there on the sands beneath me- I would find blue shells! I showed Joanna how to search and pick one up. She did so and would smile proudly at her prize.

That summer went we would go into the woods with the women’s bible study to pick blackberries, I would look for pebbles among the rocks on the ground. Lo and behold, there were blue ones. I would put it in my basket along with the berries and head home, where I would find places to keep them.

If I kept seeing the color in my house, then I would remind myself of that day, of that promise, that sign. And I would have peace of mind about the baby and myself. I went to the shop where Edith was working and indulge in buying a small blue-looking glass. If there was any blue item, I would save up my allowance to buy it. And of course, I would pluck and press and pluck and press any blue wildflower I found. My flower garden used to be filled with lilies and now was filled with asters. It was a pleasant nine months to spend. I would never stop collecting my beloved blue things.

Sure enough, the day arrived, and my water broke. It was a little earlier than we thought, but the women from church fetched the doctor and hurried me to my home. One ran off to the church offices to find William and alert him. My mother and sister held both of my hands.

It was clear, straightforward labor without any complications and not if the others had been either. And I had a healthy boy.

William beamed again as he held the bundle. “His name is John Ransome,” he announced as the crowd burst into applause. Even Joanna was already gentle, charmed by this little, breathing baby doll that was her brother.

John was a delight. There was never a healthier, heartier baby. The women would coo over him when I brought him to church. I loved to put him in small outfits. The day Edith was married, she allowed Joanna to serve as a flower girl. William performed the ceremony. I was content to sit in the pews with little John in his finest clothes. He didn’t cry and only slept or looked around the wide building with his large eyes during the ceremony, charming any guest who met him.

I kept blue around John’s little crib. I found little blue wildflowers to put on top and it seemed Joanna followed my measure. She would pluck flowers from the ground and put them around his. This time, I was even more careful. Daily I would pray. My allowance from William’s salary would pay for doctor’s visits for both my children. So, help me, I would not lose them again.

John got big enough to walk and stand. He would lean closer to me when afraid. His sister at family gatherings would beam and play with her cousins. Despite his babyhood, John would cling to my skirts with tiny red fists and begin to cry if someone spoke too loudly. But he liked my singing and my lullabies as I placed him over my shoulder.

John admired his sister. Whatever she would do- and she would do a lot! The girl was always headed off somewhere to climb on something! - he would follow through and run off to play. Copying her every move like a scholar. One neighbor had a little girl called Naomi who was Joanna’s age. So many evenings her parents invited us over just for the children. The three little ones would practically race each other over the house. The two girls laughed on their spindly legs as John tried to keep up with his shorter, chubbier stubs for legs.

Long after dessert was finished and the night grew dark, our two children would slump themselves onto the chairs. They were red-faced and teary at things. They pouted.

“Looks like Jojo’s tired!” Will would say.

“Why, so is Johnny!” I replied.

We scooped them up in our arms. Will had Jo and I had John. It had gotten late, and they were too tired from playing- it was far past any bedtime. We walked off into that night as the crickets chirruped with the two children in our arms asleep, their legs dangling and only gently hitting our backsides.

Always late at night when both children were deeply asleep, despite my exhaustion, I gave into my desire for my husband.

I became pregnant again, but this time I was not afraid.

I had my blue prepared. I improved and reorganized my collection as my stomach churned and grew. I even became determined to begin to wear more blue clothes. Surround the child while it was in there. I found at least one way to keep it in a ring or earring or in a scarf at the very least.

It seemed to work. Again, it was another smooth labor and delivery. Another healthy little boy I named James.

My parents were delighted at the trio of grandchildren to play with. By then, Brian had his farm in the bath at last. Edith and her husband were living in an apartment in London. I was the only Harris sibling in town, and with access to little ones for them to play with (and to look after on my errands!)

In the evenings my father would come home and read and would delight them with his books full of mythologies. Not that William minded at all. My husband never feared Pagan stories, as other ministers might.

I would lay little James in my lap, bouncing him, perhaps giving him bites of the chocolate cake from my small plate. John and Joanna would crawl closer to their grandfather on the floor. My mother would sew, and William would light a pipe. My father sat on the largest chair with the book in his arms and start to read with his own commentary:

“Once upon a time there was a god of thunder named Zeus and his wife, the marriage goddess, Hera. They were king and queen of the gods, just as your papa and mama are the king and queen of your home! That should make you two the prince and princess!”

He pointed to the children sitting on the rug and they giggled in return.

I genuinely felt like we were royalty at that moment. Maybe of Aldwinter itself, dare I say. At such moments, I could never be happier- to have my husband and children around me in a warm house, fed and content as rain or snow pattered outside. My dear parents reading to them. Everyone was healthy. Everyone was safe and comfortable. I thought I was the luckiest woman alive and that all should experience such bliss that a loving home and family could provide.

There was one evening as it snowed outside that my parents brought over pictures of our family to share with me as well as another dinner, read, and chat. They were astounded at Joanna.

“She’s your spitting image!” my mother said.

My father closed his mythology book, pausing in the recording of Jason of the Argonauts and his sorceress lover Medea.

“I agree, she looks exactly like you, Stella!” he confirmed.

From the box of photographs, my father pulled out an old photograph of me when I was at the tender age of eight. Sure enough, she matched the picture. Jo had pale skin, as I do. She was small in structure for a little girl, as was I. And having Harris blood in her veins, she had very light-colored blonde hair-exactly like mine. We would laugh and coo and then give the little children kisses and spoil them with chocolate.

Not that everything was perfect. There was one element where I was struggling- Sunday mornings. William would always get up early and head over to practice and perfect his sermon as well as oversee every bit of the church itself.

I was left with the children. To make sure all three were dressed and ready for Sunday morning on time. Waking up, I placed my hair into a clean bun and donned a skirt. As time was moving on, the bustle was being thrown off in favor of simpler skirts. Then I would dress the two boys. John would mumble and complain about how his shirt felt scratchy.

“It will keep you warm…” I insisted.

“Can’t something else keep me warm!”

“It’s clean! There’s nothing else clean! You must wait for your shirts to be cleaned!” I reasoned.

He huffed and consented, but still frowned.

I then ran to James. His nicest shoes were missing I found out. He had developed a fondness for mud and dirt. As I rushed outside, there were the shoes in a mud puddle left of the vegetable garden. I picked them up, hurriedly cleaned them, and rushed to put them on his little feet.

Then I would hold his hand and walk him down the stairs for breakfast. John was already there pouting over an empty bowl.

“Please give me porridge, not toast!’ John would insist.

I then began to bring out the porridge and heat it up when James shakes his head and babbled “Toast! Toast!”

I heard the grandfather clock chime the hour. Sunday Schools were ending and out of the question for the children.

I would then begin bread for toast when I looked and realized there were two heads on the table when there should be three.

“Where’s your sister??” I asked.

They pointed out the front door.

Outside, sure enough, there was Jo in her wild, girlish glory. There was a tree right outside of our house and she loved to climb it. She was getting tall and her legs were long already! When they were little, all was so slow and now they were growing, and time was moving quicker! She had climbed all the way to the top of that tall oak tree.

I picked up my skirt and called up to them.

“Jojo, darling! We must go to church!”

“I don’t want to!” she insisted from high up.

“Why? Your father worked so hard on his sermon; you must be there!” I said, cupping my mouth so my voice could reach her.

“He gives one every week! And I Don’t feel like it!” she replied.

“But you’ll look so pretty in your new dress! And your grandmother gave it to you and it’s so-”

“I hate it! I hate that dress! Can’t I wear pants today, mama, please!? Jimmy wears pants and Johnny does, why can’t I?” she yelled from above.

“You don’t have any pants!” I argued.

If I had to try and climb it, I would. She was up on the tallest branch, her legs swinging defiantly in her shift and stockings. I tried to pull myself up one branch but there was only so much I could do. I tried lifting my leg, but I didn’t have the same strength and flexibility she did to get that high up.

“What would make going to church…. pleasant, for you, Jo?” I reasoned from below.

“I want pants! If I can’t wear pants, I won’t go!”

I knew the second she walked in wearing pants, there would be gasps and eyes full of blame directed at me. How could none other than the daughter of a vicar be so crude? Didn’t her mother teach her better?

My mind was racing. The boys were complaining about wanting breakfasts and what breakfasts they wanted. And in the distance, I heard the church bells begin ringing. The services were beginning already!

I ran inside and served the toast and porridge. As quick as I could, I went upstairs to Johnny’s drawer and pulled out a fresh pair of Johnny’s bigger pants and then a skirt. I returned outside.

“Here! You can wear pants- just wear a skirt over them, and please! We’re already late!”

Joanna obliged, she slid down and was happy to wear pants, even if in secret.

I made sure those loose strands in my bun were tucked away and any mud or stain or dirt not on my apron was wiped away the best I could. My stomach rumbled for lack of breakfast for myself. The three of us walked over, coming in right during William reading the scriptures:

“And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.”

Some of the elderly men glared at me. But many women, some with babbling children of their own sitting on their laps, nodded in understanding. I scuttled with the three to the front row.

“And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish and not that thy whole body be cast unto hell.”

Although we scuttled in, I would struggle to keep them still. John would wiggle his feet and ask for paper and pens to draw with. Joanna would read the Bible and then get curious about other passages and read them to entertain herself if she lost interest. James would look up at his father the whole time, swinging his legs.

Finally, my father retired. The house was too big, so they wanted to move. They were going to go to the next town in a smaller house and rent out the place to another young family. We said our goodbyes, but they promised to visit to see their grandchildren. And by then, my siblings were finding their spouses and having children of their own. They needed to save money for travel. They moved out to Bath with their other son and his new wife.

Now I had not the family I grew up with, but a family of my own to look after.

It also meant during every church meeting, Bible study, sewing meeting, and being at William’s side for each of his meetings, I had to be there and if my parents were occupied, the girls were by our side.

There was one day we were meeting in the sanctuary of the church detailing everything. Joanna was getting a collection of books to occupy herself. James and Johnny were all over the church pretending to be frogs and leapfrogging over each other while crying “ribbit! Ribbit!”

But little James was very bright. Of us three, James looked at the spitting image of William. Sometimes, when I placed him on my lap to hug him as he grew tired, he looked up at me with blue eyes. It would startle me inside. The very shade and size of my husband. His hair grew reddish blonde and curly. His cheekbones, his smile, and his mouth! All the same.

It did not stop at his looks. He also showed a vast interest in faith at a very young age. He always asked questions “what are angels, mama? What are demons? What’s hell?” Such questions I had to send for him to his father’s office for papa to explain.

But he was not the only one with questions. Joanna was a mad reader. She would sneak into her father’s study and read book after book after book. And not just the ones only for children.

She heard from the schoolteacher that William Shakespeare was the greatest writer of all time. She became determined to judge this for herself. The day after her eleventh birthday, she managed to find a copy of "Romeo and Juliet." Despite the more archaic language, she seemed to read it fine. Shakespeare was like the King James Bible that she was so familiar with.

But as we were at dinner and passing potatoes, she asked, “Papa, Mama, what happens on the wedding night?”

I nearly dropped the plate I was holding.

“What? What do you mean? “I asked.

William and I shared a look of panic.

“Juliet’s talking about her wedding night with Romeo in the play and she’s very excited- why?” She even boldly pulled out the tiny, thin book and flipped the pages. She pointed at the lines.

“What’s she talking about? She says they’re going to do an “amorous rite”- right here! What’s an amorous rite? She’s awfully excited about it- is it a game?”

And the two young boys looked up from their plates.

“I want to play the game too! How do you play it?” John asked.

William’s jaw dropped and he was barely able to voice an “uh” when I got out of my chair and walked over to Joanna, placing my hands on her shoulders.

“On Saturday, Jojo, I’ll take you to the beach. And…and I’ll tell you what it is. We’ll walk, we’ll pack a picnic, and I’ll tell you what an…amorous rite is. Boys, if you want to know too, you can ask your father.”

Saturday was overcast, but the sun would peek out. Neither too hot nor too cold, just right. But it was still bright in the day, ever with that blue sky. As promised, we walked some by the beach, Joanna was sweet enough to remember my enjoyment of blue. Here on the beach, we could see blue in its ultimate, eternal power. For when it was clear, the sky would be blue and then match the blue ocean to carry on for eternity. Joanna would look for blue shells and stones to fetch for me.

Then I laid out the blanket and got out the sandwiches from inside for us. She sat down nearby, picking at the crusts until working her way to the inside contents.

“Alright…Joanna, this is what an amorous rite is, this is what happens on the wedding night…” I began.

I never asked such questions. Only in small fragments from whispers from other girls was what I heard. Then my education expanded once I began my unmentionable. My mother taught me to not be alone with a man who wasn’t a gentleman if at all. There were animals around us and my brothers would make crude laughter at small phrases. Then I was engaged. And the horror of the act was a warning to me from every woman I met, including my mother. I was told every detail of what to dread. Women had to endure the unpleasantness, awkwardness, and even pain. The marriage bed was only pleasurable for the husband so you might as well enjoy the children that came from it.

So, help me, Joanna would not go through what I did.

I told her what happens and with as many details as I could. Ways it could happen and be done between a man and woman. I gave enough details that she would know what to expect when it was her time. Her jaw dropped.

“But…isn’t it sin?” she asked.

“Sometimes it is. Only if you’re not married or with someone you’re not married to, or you force it on someone else. And sometimes it isn’t. It can be very good, God made it! There’s a whole book in the Bible about it, even!” I spoke.

Over us, the seagulls squawked. A wind was sweeping her blonde hair in its direction. The ocean kept roaring in its alto lullaby.

“Really?” she cried.

“Yes!”

“Do only married couples, do it?” she asked, leaning forward eagerly.

“No, plenty of unmarried couples do it,” I answered.

I even told her it was how women became pregnant. That soon her unmentionable would arrive and if it stopped coming, it meant you were with child. But if you were careful, you could avoid it.

“Is…is that why sometimes there are pregnant women with no husbands who visit us?”

“Yes.”

“Why do the amorous rite at all! It sounds disgusting! It sounds like it hurts…”

I smiled at her grimacing, trying not to laugh. In her fascination, her sandwich had been untouched.

“It might a little at first. But not for everyone. And I will tell you…it isn’t as bad as you think.”

I moved closer to her and clasped her hand. She looked softly at me.

“When you love someone, when you fall in love, it can be beautiful. It can be a beautiful, beautiful thing. Your grandmother made me frightened when I was going to marry your father. She told me it would not be anything pleasant but…but Jo…”

I reached over and took her hand.

“It is! It is pleasant! It can be the most wonderful thing you will ever experience- if you love him, and he is your husband, and you tell him yes- you will have something wonderful and beautiful. You’ll feel safe and close to each other. It will be the most incredible feeling. I can’t even describe how wrong my mother and the women were. I knew that night that your father truly loved and cared for me. It wasn’t unpleasant at all! It was wonderful! And not just on the wedding night, but any night or time you say yes you may experience it again!”

She smiled at my words. I tucked away strands of her hair to see her face, but then the smile dropped.

“But am I bad if I’m not married and I do it anyway?” she questioned.

“It’s considered a sin. Some might say you are a bad woman. You could land in serious trouble but…your father and I love you and we’ll be here to help you. We’ll always love you no matter what you do. Just be careful around a man you don’t feel good about, Joanna.”

She shivered.

“I’ll scream and punch his nose, mama, don’t worry!” she assured. I had to let out a small laugh at that.

She picked up her sandwich and finished it meditatively. I wiped the crumbs off her dress.

“But…That’s what the wedding night is about. That is the amorous rite couples and anyone in love does. Do you understand?” I finished.

“Yes…yes, I do…” she said, nodding.

“If you have any more questions, you can ask me. And if I'm not around and you feel alright about it, you can ask your father.”

“I shall, mama.”

A new puppy arrived soon after at the house. The children delighted in it. They trained it to sit, snuck bits of food from dinner to feed it, ran it around, and played with it. The dog sometimes would kill squirrels and we were forced to bury the little creatures. But it was in an animal’s nature to destroy, we told them.

Johnny was especially close to the canine. He scratched his ears on the rug and would talk to it.

“You might kill squirrels, but you’re not a bad dog, are you?” John would ask.

The dog smiled and panted, ears going down. I went forward to them and smiled, patting its head.

“Alright…we have to make sure he’s fed…and let’s make sure the leash on his post is tight…we don’t want him running away or getting hurt…” I offered.

It was my responsibility to make sure the dog was leashed and to help make sure he was controlled.

“Or killing something else!” John fretted.

The puppy grew with the children. Joanna turned thirteen and began her unmentionable at last. She lost interest in her dolls and would give them to others. She read more books. She would disappear with her friends for hours or sometimes for a whole day only to show up at dinnertime. Most of all, she and John had bikes. It was a constant sight to see Joanna pedaling around town, blowing out whistles, giggling, and having such fun with any person who wandered outside. John had one too and would follow her sometimes, but other times go to his “alone spots” to think or draw or collect wildflowers or help chase the dog to play with him. Only James would stick close to home.

We were all happy and content. All together.

I was back in my garden one day. Once I patted the ground and watered it, I noticed someone was running toward me.

It was a Mrs. Taylor. She was dressed in cream and her curly blonde hair was up in a bun with her cream hat. She was short and medium-sized but moved with great speed. I wiped off the dirt on my apron and walked closer to her. It was a delight to hear gossip right outside my door. I loved hearing from others what was going on, easy and fast.

“Mrs. Ransome! Mrs. Ransome! Haven’t you heard? Oh, how awful!” she huffed once she approached me.

A tightness gripped my throat.

“What is it?”

“A dead body was found!”

“What!”

Crowds would gather around to gape at the corpse like a fixture at a museum. Details were spread by word. I don’t recall seeing the body, but the details of its wounds made my skin crawl. Sure enough, there was a dead body. Then another. And another.

At the lady's Bible study, we finished our reading to discuss the anxiety of our systems. We were nervous. Even Fanny took out her handkerchief and was wringing it in fear.

“Please…not my little girl…please not my little girl…” she whispered.

In her brown eyes, you could see tears. Mrs. Lee went to her and patted her back in comfort, handing her fresh handkerchiefs.

Mrs. Bennet then turned to me “Do you know what I hear…there are reporters already!”

“Reporters? For our newspaper?” I asked.

“No, Big reporters! Big Newspapers! From London! They’re in Aldwinter and writing about the dead bodies found-About us!”

We were in awe.

“And do you know what they say it is…” One Mrs. Brown asked. She was a mousy Burnette with a large nose and spectacles.

The others leaned into her.

“What?” Mrs. Taylor asked.

Mrs. Brown gulped “They’re being killed by a giant, magical snake.”

A pause. “a snake?” and “magical?” was heard across the crowd of women. More than one crossed herself.

“A giant snake. A magical snake. A Leviathan…we have a Leviathan creature here in our village!” Mrs. Brown reeled.

We murmured and gasped in wonder as well as fear.

Mrs. Smith pouted her large, pink lips and shook her red head, “Well, I don’t believe in such things! How could there be a Leviathan? They aren’t real!”

“But there is something killing the people…and the bodies…” Fanny noted.

They all didn’t want to believe it, but there was enough evidence to suggest that indeed something different than what slid into our gardens.

The next night, there was a scream from the children’s room. William and I dashed out, looking frantically. Joanna and James seemed startled and silent in their tiny beds. It was Johnny…Johnny was crying and screaming, lashing back and forth in his sleep.

I ran forward, repeating his name and shaking him until he awoke. Tears were streaming down his face still.

“The serpents coming for me, Mama! The serpents coming for me!” he mourned into my nightdress, tears staining my shoulder.

“John, you’re here with your family…” I spoke.

Even William patted his back and his arm.

“It’s a dream, my boy, you’re safe here.” He spoke.

“But…there really is…really is a serpent! And it’s going to kill me!” John fretted.

“How could a serpent open the door? The doors locked…how could it get through? It doesn’t have hands since Eden. If it’s so large, it can’t sneak under…” William tried to reason him.

I went downstairs, fixed him chamomile tea, and returned it to him. I continued to offer my small embraces if he got teary again. He sipped at the steaming mug until it was empty.

“There…are you better Johnny?” I asked.

“Yes, better.”

“Do you need anything else?”

“No, mama.”

The boy was tormented by such nightmares for a long time. Sometimes I had to hold him and rock him to sleep just like when he was a baby and sing him the same lullabies. Weeks passed and still, everyone was on edge and jumping at shadows.

What broke me about it was not another corpse. A girl went missing- Naomi, the good friend of Joanna’s. The tears her mother cried would move even stone. It started to settle into me as well. That could have been me crying and in Naomi’s place one of my own children.

Once the children went into bed, my husband and I sat in the parlor in our clothes. The clock chimed midnight and finally, he broke the worrying silence on both our minds.

“Stella…I’m worried.”

“As am I, Will…”

“If this is a threat to our parish, and most of all our children, I won’t live with it, I won’t…Stella, I’m going to find the serpent…”

“Find it?”

“And consecrate it…”

“You could hunt it and shoot it…why consecrate it?” I asked.

“If it’s giant and powerful, what would a bullet do? What if it grows another head in its place? This is the better way. It could live and do what it does but be unharmed or harm others. Be a blessing even, could you imagine, Stella? So, help me, it won’t do anything more to us…or them…” he said looking upstairs to their rooms.

I took his hand “I…I will applaud you, it’s brave of you to do so…it’s only one of the reasons I love you.” I said.

“I love you too, dear…”

We kissed, sighing contentedly. He would begin his project privately, off to find it no matter what. He would vanish for an hour to search and then come home to help look after the children.

I knelt in front of my bed one night and folded my hands together to pray.

“Dear Lord, I ask you, should there be a serpent, at least, keep my children safe, keep them safe, oh Lord, keep my little ones safe from it. Protect Joanna, Protect John, Protect James. May William find the serpent if there be one. Amen.”

The next day a widower from London moved into town with her son.

[softrozene]

Sacrifice

@luna-hatake-uchiha​ requested: Hi. First of all, I want to wish you a happy new year. I read on Archiv of your Own that your request box is open... Soo could you please write a scenario where Law and his s/o are having a daughter and after a few years their daughter shows symptoms of the Amber Lead poisoning? And Law doing everything he can to heal her? (This is my first time doing this and I'm sorry if I sound rude somewhere.)

You were perfect in requesting Hon! Apologies for how late this is (I hope you had a good start to the new year!) but omg- That would be so heartbreaking ahhhhh. This came out pretty angsty but I tried to give it a neutral ending! I hope you enjoy it!

This turned into a one-shot oops.

Trafalgar Law x Female Reader

Warnings: Fluff/Angst- Spoilers of Law’s past. Can be considered a good or sad ending! Uhh Post-Pirating au? Law is retired from the pirate life lol, grammar

*Instead of 2nd pov I wrote this in 3rd pov for a change. : )

Also, yeah- I am pretty sure that Law would be able to cure his daughter of this because of his Devil Fruit and it’s “Miraculous” abilities but I went for the more angsty side, so I made it more complicated than that lol. I just love the idea of protective dad Law.

Words: 1983

-

The smell of coffee is usually a scent that brings the pregnant woman, (Name), a comfort since that means she can sneak a sip from her husband’s cup but right now… It is too early for coffee. He should be in bed with her, but the sun is not even up. With exhaustion evident on her face and the goal of finding Law and bringing him back to bed- She regretfully leaves the warm bed.

The house they have is a decent-sized home. Two bedrooms- The one they share together, and the guest room, a nursery that Law and (Name) have been working on and of course, Law’s office to store his medical books and journals, a kitchen, a bathroom, and a small cozy living room.

It felt like bliss living here.

Even more so with the bun in the oven. Law was in shock when he realized his wife was indeed pregnant, but it made the joy of retiring from piracy to enjoy a domestic life with her all the better. It most certainly eases his thoughts that most of his crew also retired here on this peaceful island.

Things could not have turned out more perfect for them.

Though… That was about to change as (Name) walks into his office- The light from it leaking out into the hallway. The smell of coffee gets stronger, and she smiles upon seeing how serious her husband is looking through some of his books.

No matter what he is doing, he looks so handsome.

Something he got used to arguing with her saying how she is crazy for thinking his eyebags are attractive. It was all jokes sure but (Name) was serious and proud to say he was handsome. His personality definitely that too. She can rely on him and him on her and that is something hard to do for the both of them.

Law is too in the zone in the book so (Name) uses that to her advantage. She sneaks up behind him and is quick to wrap her arms around his neck, planting a kiss on his cheek. His tense body immediately relaxes within her hold and he turns to offer her a tired smile.

“Did I wake you?” He asks softly as a hand comes up to meet her swollen belly.

(Name) laughs and holds his hand to her stomach. “Yes, but it is fine. I just got cold without your warmth. That and the beautiful smell of coffee. I think our daughter wants a sip.”

Law’s face turns into a scolding one immediately making his wife laugh as she continues, “Hey! You said I could have some in moderation! I think a tiny sip is less than that and yes, I know we do not know if our child will be a girl, but I just have this feeling…”

Law sighs but… Then smiles as he just shakes his head. He gives in knowing full well that his wife’s point was mainly about getting her daily sip of coffee in. He pulls away from his wife’s loving hand to reach for his mug of coffee. Being careful of the still-hot contents in it. He hands it to her and watches as she smiles and takes her desired sip. Handing it back to him he puts it on the desk and immediately pulls the pregnant woman onto his lap earning himself a giggle from her.

“Anyway, what are you doing up, my love?” She asks as she nuzzles her face into his neck the best she can.

At this question, Law turns tense. His sigh comes out stressed as he hesitates to speak. He thinks it would be better now to share his concern, especially when it is such a valid one.

“I… Fear that our child may get Amber Lead Poising. It is a hereditary disease,” Law mumbles.

This makes his wife freeze up. She knows his pain with that. The fear of it. He must have been bottling it up until he just could not ignore the possibility. With a gentle sigh, (Name) places a tender kiss on his lips, momentarily distracting him from his painful thoughts.

“My love, please come back to bed. After a few more hours of sleep, you can come back in here… And no matter what happens with our child- I have faith that you will find a cure. Until then, try not to worry. Otherwise, you are going to send yourself into an early grave by putting all that stress on your heart,” (Name) says as a yawn escapes her.

Law can only smile now. She truly is his best friend. His other half. She knows how to ease his worries even if it is temporarily, but what she said… It also rings true. He vows to find a cure in the case that their child will get that stupid disease.

~*~

The rest of the pregnancy goes by quickly and as soon as the baby, a girl, is in their arms it feels like total bliss for them. It is everything they never imagined having but makes their lives totally complete. Her middle name is in memory of Law’s younger sister. The full name being Trafalgar Lami Lin.

“She looks like you already- Look at those wide (eye color) eyes,” Law says with a gentle smile on his face.

He never imagined he could allow himself to be this soft and vulnerable. To share it with (Name). His wife laughs as she leans against his arm as he holds their little girl in his arms. Both (Name) and the baby are exhausted.

“Thank the gods she does not look like a mini sleep-deprived version of you. Well, if she takes my looks, I only hope she gains your intelligence,” (Name) jokes.

Law smirks at the playful tone and as if he remembers sighs- “I forgot to tell you. What is left of the crew will be coming here tomorrow. They were even more excited than us combined.”

“Looks like we got a couple of free babysitters… I trust Bepo with her. Sachi and Penguin might drop her.”

Law sweatdrops at this and wishes he could argue back but… His wife is right. He makes a mental note to have Bepo be their go-to babysitter.

~*~

Days pass by fast when you feel joy and they pass even faster when you feel like the world suddenly has a time limit on it. Law promised his wife to enjoy the days with them and he did, but he spent countless nights trying to find a cure- Getting so close to finding something that can help in the case his daughter gets the disease.

The baby grows quickly into a child, but it was the age of five when Law realizes that she has those stupid white spots on her skin- Meaning she has Amber Lead Poisoning. He felt like he was suffocating. She was not supposed to get it. He paid his dues during his piracy. His loss of Rosinante. His loss of family. He paid whatever the hell life thought he owed it, so she was supposed to be in the clear.

She was not.

He knows that is just wishful thinking. His whole family got it and Amber Lead is a hereditary disease. He was supposed to die at age thirteen. He did not all because he ate a fruit thanks to Rosinante. Just because he ate a fruit and cured himself does not mean he could actually cure Amber Lead with his fruit.

He could try and cure Lin as he did himself. Using the fruit’s "miraculous" properties which is having the ability to cure any kind of illness. However, this requires some extent of medical knowledge in order to be utilized effectively. He has that knowledge, but he does not have the full knowledge to cure others of this disease. He cured himself because he ate the fruit.

He needs a real cure. One to ensure that this disease does not follow into the genes anymore. He wants to ensure that if his daughter wants a family of her own- If she makes it to that age, he wants her to be able to not have to think about her own children having the disease.

He estimated she would only have a few years left. Until those white spots grow big enough to almost devour her. His blissful life turned into a nightmare for him. He always could not stand the thought of losing (Name) and the feeling was deeper with their daughter Lin since she was only a child.

She deserved a long and happy life.

He was going to sacrifice his time to ensure that.

It was during one of these nights when he cursed out life for being cruel that Law had an epiphany. Something in his research began to make sense for a cure- It was uncertain, but it was something and it was this night that his wife was woken up when he got up out of excitement to begin writing on a large board he put together. He accidentally dropped a book nothing too alarming, so he was surprised to see his wife checking on him.

Her large eyes watching the board- Trying to decipher his valid obsession of finding a cure. He could not contain his excitement as he pauses briefly to place a kiss on his wife’s lips.

“Whoa. You are super cheery for once,” She notes.

Law can only smile. “I think I am close to finding something. A cure. It would still be a while before I have something solid but… This is it. It has to be it.”

Hearing this fills (Name) up with excitement too. Only to see Law experience a crash. He is at his limit for tonight since he spent all day shopping with his daughter and wife to go to Penguin’s birthday (definitely an alcohol) party. He should be totally spent after today.

(Name) only hugs him feeling his body immediately relax into hers and he freezes upon remembering something. Pulling back slightly he looks at his darling wife and places a kiss on her forehead.

“Hey… I do need to tell you something. If this lead goes nowhere. I am going to use the Ope Ope no Mi fruit on her,” Law states.

(Name) freezes in his grip. Understanding these words. That means he is going to sacrifice his life for their daughter if he can’t make a cure. He is willing to use the fruit’s powers for what others have wanted it for. Immortality.

He is willing to grant their daughter “eternal youth” if it means she can experience life without the disease affecting her.

His mind is dead set on that backup plan so all (Name) Can do is nod. He smiles at her though as to reassure her.

“That is just a backup plan. We still have a few years left but as of now, I do believe it is time to get in contact with that crazy pirate- Luffy. I need him to bring Chopper here. With Chopper’s help this should work,” Law murmurs more to himself.

He is exhausted.

“Alright Love- I will go get in contact with them. I will send a letter. Though… I think you should head to bed. You did well. You are such a good father,” (Name) murmurs.

Hearing this… Law really feels like he might break. All of these restless nights are going to be worth something. He is going to do what his dad almost did for his younger sister. He will cure his daughter and be able to watch her grow.

“Law… You are getting my hair wet with your snot and tears.”

“Shut up,” He mumbles as he holds his partner.

She laughs and the two stay like that- Content that there is hope for their daughter.

[chimtaesty]

One Last Time

pairing: ai!hoseok x reader / 2.7k words

warnings: angst, talks of death and illness (fluff, superficial intelligence, fluff, long lost love, futuristic)

plot: After living a long life you get the chance of seeing your long lost love again, but to a price you are willing to pay.

A/N: hi! I'm kinda active with writing and i had this idea a few days ago so i sat my ass down and wrote this in one night. I want to clarify that this au is inspired by an episode of black mirror. This made me tear up a lil while writing so I hope you like it and you'll stay tuned for more of my works

masterlist

Life has been kind to you, a daughter, two sons and a kind husband. Nothing that you wanted or worked for hasn’t not worked out the way you wanted it to. When you were twenty five you met your husband, Jinyoung. He helped you through life and helped you take care of the kids. Even the one that wasn’t his. Jihyo wasn’t his child and yet he loved her with all the love he could give her.

Jinyoung passed away about twelve years ago due to heart failure. You felt bad that you didn’t grieve like your children did, you didn’t love him like that, you never did. He was more like a best friend than a lover. A man, who died before Jihyo was born, owned your heart and he knew that.

Jung Hoseok, that was his name. Now, even though you weren’t able to move the way you wanted to, you could feel your body move to his. He was a great dancer and he loved dancing, no matter where, no matter who saw him, he danced like no one ever could. It made you feel light, oh so light. The feeling he gave you was indescribable, not a single person ever made you feel this way again.

“Mum, wake up” you hear Jaebeom's voice. Your second oldest visits when he can. You appreciate the effort. “Mum, wake up. It’s your birthday and we want to celebrate with you.” Your eyes open slower than you want and behind droopy eyes you see the faces of your children, Jaebeom, Jihyo and Youngjae. A smile plasters itself on your wrinkly face.

“My babies, what brings you here” Youngjae rolls his eyes at you as he chuckles “It’s your birthday today. We want to celebrate with you” you gasp slightly, trying to sound surprised. Of course you know, the day you were born is the same day the love of your life left this planet. “Don’t act like you don’t know. Your brain works faster than you give it credit, Mum” Jihyo laughs. You chuckle and wave her off.

“Look, Mum. We actually wanted to tell you something” Jaebeom starts and your laugh dies right there. His tone doesn’t excite you, not in the slightest. “What, honey?” your hand finds his and he assures you with a small smile “We all know how your chances of living another year stand. The cancer has spread and your body won’t withstand it any longer.” You nod, that you are going to die, pretty soon, is nothing new. You are prepared and so are your children.

“We thought about a way to make it more comfortable” Jihyo continues and your brows furrow. You talked about hospice, and you didn’t like it. Why are they bringing this up again? “Jihyo, hun. I am not going to leave the country to die.” Youngjae shakes his head and grasps your other hand. “No, mum. We are talking about a way of you getting to live forever, in peace and without pain. You might have heard of Daydream. It’s a non profit organisation which makes it possible to transfer one's consciousness to their database and to a place called Base Line. “

Your brain is running miles as soon as he starts to talk about “base line”. You know exactly what he is talking about, he used to talk about it all the time. Hoseok liked the idea of being together in eternity. “We thought about it. Since you’re not willing to die early and we all know about your undying love for a man who died a long time ago. We were able to get you a spot in daydream. They are willing to download you and give you what you craved for all these years.”

Your mind goes into panic. How can you live forever, forever in a place that Hoseok dreamed about?. How can you spend your eternity with Jinyoung when the person you so dearly love isn’t him? “Jaebeom, honey. I can’t, you don’t know what you are talking ab-”Mum we know. We’ve known for years.” Youngjae almost whispers. Your eyes snap to his and you can see the sincerity. “What?” the whisper leaves your lips, it almost sounded like a whimper, so pathetic. “We’ve known for a long time that your love wasn’t his. Dad was never the man you loved, it was Jung Hoseok, Jihyos father.”

Your eyes fill with tears. They knew, they knew everything. Secrets you kept in the deepest depths of your mind have been discovered all these years ago. Your life was a lie, everything you lived to protect was a lie. “I-I-don’t-”Mum, it’s alright. We are not angry with you.” you start to cry. A violent yelp leaves your lips as all of the thoughts, emotions, memories flood back into your mind. The pain you feel is unbearable, it makes you double over in the comfort of your bed. Youngjae holds your shaking form, whispering comforting words.

“But h-he didn’t-”He did, mum. He was able to get a spot as a beta test person almost fifty years ago. His download was saved on their server. They opened his interview file about twenty years ago and tried to contact you. His reason for joining the program was you, mum. He wanted to find a way to stay with you for the rest of eternity. Dad kept it a secret but we want you to be happy. We want you to be free of pain and live a happy life with the person you love, with Hoseok.” Youngjae sobbs.

You can’t believe it. All these years he was merely miles away. The person who made you feel how no one else could, the love of your life was a few hours away from you.

xxxxx

The car ride is long, almost seven hours to go, but you don’t mind. While your children call their families, read their books or listen to their music you reminisce, you reminisce about the moments you spent with him. The memories you made with him come back.

“Come on, give it a shot.” you frown, the thought of embarrassing yourself further displeases you a lot. He smiled at you with his hands out for you. His brown straight hair frames his handsome features perfectly. The softness of his skin, the lightliness of his smile and his comforting smell that coats the air. Everything makes you smile back at him.

“You know i can’t dance, i much rather watch you dancing” it makes him chuckle and his head falls back with a wide smile plastered on his face. He shakes his head and comes closer, almost too close. A step closer and you are pressed against each other, even with the step in between you, you can feel him. The warmth, the comfort and the love.

“I don’t care about your dancing skills. I want you to have fun with me. How about this, you put your feet on mine and I guide you.” a grin escapes your features and he takes it as a yes as he pushes your feet over his. “Just follow my rhythm, I’m right here, i’ll always be” you nod and lean your head on his chest. You can hear his heartbeat, the way he breathes and the way he hums the melody to stay on tact.

“That’s it baby, just like that. You’re a natural, you’ll master the wedding dance in a heartbeat” your eyes find his as his sentence reaches your ears. He would want to marry you? “Wedding dance?” you whisper and he halts his movements. His searching eyes study yours, trying to find displeasure. “Well, yes. I would love to be married to you. No one else should be by your side, not that anyone is better than me” he chuckles and you can’t help but laugh as well.

No one was ever better than you.

“Go to sleep, mum. We have one more hour to go” Jihyo whispers behind you and puts you to sleep with a gentle rub on your shoulder. Once again you reminisce in memories, in more painful ones.

“Don’t you understand where i’m coming from? Why are you so blind, i can’t have a child right now” you shout. He rubs his temples with a frown. “I’m not forcing you to have a child, I just want to know if you want to ever-in the future- have a child with me.” he shouts back at you, the tone in his voice was angry, very angry.

Your eyes are wide and wet, trenched in tears as you back away. He doesn’t care though, he is too busy throwing the next mug on the floor. “Is it me? Would you have a child with someone else because I'm such a mess? Am i not responsible enough? Am I not enough?” he shouts and throws the plate to the floor. Porcelain shatters on the wooden floor with such anger. You’ve never seen him like this, ever and it scares you.

“No, why would you not be enough?” he laughs in the midst of his emotional breakdown. “Because it damn fucking looks like it. Did you already cheat on me, huh? Is that why you’re so damn quiet?” he steers and all you see is red. You almost sprint over to him, your body finds it’s way over the tiny kitchen island like it has done it a million times, it seems so easy. Your hand connects with his cheek with such speed that you are afraid you might’ve knocked some of his teeth out.

Hot tears coat your cheeks as you try to find your words “Don’t you ever accuse me of cheating on you. I know you are angry but this is low, very low.” you whisper. His angry eyes shut and he shoves you out of his way. He grabs the car keys and almost kicks the door open

“I’ll be out for a while, don’t wait for me”

You jolt awake with a loud gasp “Don’t go” you whisper through tears. Just as you see your son in front of you, you realise that it’s not this day, the day he left you. “Mum, are you alright?” Jihyo has a hand on your shoulder in concern. You quickly wipe the tears away to hide your emotional rukus. “Look, we’re here. Right there is the facility” Youngjae points at the big building up the road. “You almost made it, mum” Jihyo beems at you. Your little girl smiles at you with such compassion. It’s something only children are able to do, look at their parents with such love, with such adoration. Having to leave them behind weighs heavy on your heart.

xxxxx

“Mrs. Y/LN, here you will have some time to say goodbye and talk about whatever you might want to share with your family. After you are done we will inform you about the process of downloading and what we know about Jung Hoseok.” a young lady, not older than your daughter, informs you.

All of you sit down, a heavy silence dominates the room. No one is brave enough to say something, to say goodbye. “I love you-”Mum, you don’t have to-”No, Jihyo, i have to. I want you to know. I love you all so much, and I would stay much much longer by your side, if I could.” your hand finds Youngjae’s and a shaky breath leaves his mouth “Mum” Youngjae whispers.

“I’m sorry that I won’t see you children grow up, Youngjae. I’m sorry that i won’t see you get married, Jaebeom. And I’m mostly sorry that you will never see your father, Jihyo. Hoseok would’ve been such a good father. I’m sorry that things haven’t always worked out the way I wanted them to. But I’m honored to call you my children. I’m so proud of you, of everyone of you. You made me the happiest mother there could ever be. I love you and I hope that you’ll remember me as such. Not the weak, ill woman I was the past seven years. I want you to remember me as the woman who raised you, the woman who loved to dance, the woman who was strong. Do me a favor and remember me as such.”

Jihyo sobbs against your shoulder and you let her. In merely a few moments they won’t have a mother anymore. They’ll be without the support of a lifetime, without their lifeline. Without the person who gave them shelter and love, their mother.

“We’ll always remember you as the strongest woman there ever was, as our mother” Jaebeom whispers under tears. You smile and pet his head like you used to when he was little. “I’ll miss you” “Mrs. Y/LN, the transfer is ready” you are quick to stand up. “Go, live your life. Don’t be sad for too long. Grieve and cry but afterwards you have to live. Promise me to live” you grin in pain. With a kiss to each of their faces you leave the room.

xxxxx

The corridor to the room the woman is bringing you seems endless. The time it takes you to get to your love seems endless. But as she sits you down on a comfortable blue chair your heart calms down.

“My name is Nayeon and I’ll inform you about the process of downloading. We’ll connect your brain to our core and transfer your consciousness to one of our memory bots. Jung Hoseok, the man you so desperately want to meet again, was downloaded on an older memory bot. He was saved on a almost twenty year old bot when we found him so we had to transfer him to one of our younger bot models to guarantee a safe connection to our station “base line” and to your memory bot. The bot wasn’t damaged in the slightest. His consciousness was copied, as for yours is being transferred, meaning that your body won’t be usable after your download. Do you understand? Do you still want to proceed?”

“yes”

She puts several sensors on your head and injects a chip into your right temple for the transfer. Weirdly enough, your head is empty. You expected your head to run wild as soon as they started your transfer. “In less than two minutes you’ll go unconscious and wake up in the superficial world base line. Your bot will be securely stored and taken care of. I wish you a comfortable journey. bon voyage

xxxxx

You awake with a small groan as the bright sunlight burns itself into your skin. The gentle wind glides through your hair and slightly dries your eyes as you pry them open. You can smell the salty sea air and feel the rays of sunshine.

The bed you are lying in is big and comfortable, almost as comfortable as the bed you shared with Hoseok. Speaking of Hoseok, why isn’t he here? Isn’t he supposed to welcome you? Your feet find the floor as fast as possible as you run across the room. Just seconds before you dare to leave the room you catch a glimpse of the mirror facing the beach. You see yourself, not the almost seventy year old you, no, the twenty year old you. The firm skin, the still colored hair and the healthy looking body you once had faced you.

You breathlessly stumble towards the mirror to take a closer look and then, then you see him. You’re able to see the reflection of his back through the mirror. Your head whips around and you start to run. The pain, the love, all of the emotions you kept inside of you all of those years made you sprint, stumble towards him. “Hos-Hoseok!” you scream. You run with all of your strength, you hurry to the man you’ve missed so much. “God, Hoseok!” and the moment he turns around you halt. All of your limbs stop moving.

His golden skin, his beautiful face make you stop. You can’t believe that he is here, right here after all these years. “Ho-Hoseok” you manage to sobb. His face morphs into a smile as he opens his arms. “Come on, come to me, my love”

And you run again, you sprint into his arms. His warm body embraces you as you crash.

The weight pulling the both of you to the ground.

“I thought I lost you” you sobb as he strokes your hair.

“I promised you to find a way to stay by your side forever.”

[demonslayedher]

I'm glad you reactivated the questions, here are some flowers for you: 💐 Seriously speaking I'm sorry that because of a question I asked you a few weeks ago you watched a series of videos of psychopaths 🥲It made me laugh at first but then I felt guilty 💔 it's all Muzan's fault for leaving us all with curiosity (imagine his parents' reaction once they realized there was something wrong with him even as a human)

Yay, flowers (which I shall kill with my black thumb)! And no, no, it’s fine, I had hoped it came off funny! I like listening to stuff like that while I draw anyway because I’m a nerd anyway and I found it very interesting.

Speaking of being a nerd, you have innocuously unlocked the following essay about Heian period nobility and wisteria flowers: There is nothing to state so in canon, but I find it highly reasonable to say Muzan might had been of the very powerful Fujiwara clan. Step inside my office, Anon.

Okay. So. The Heian period, simply put, was a time of cultural flourishing and beautiful pastimes, the origins of a lot of Japanese style aesthetics, and a romantic courtly like of romancing everybody else in the court. This is assuming, of course, that you were at the very, very, very, very top of society. Otherwise, the vast majority of people were poor and sick and starving and ew, in young Muzan’s world, we do not wish to associate with that. In the Heian court, Kyoto basically is the whole cultural world. Even though there were other cities that could rival Kyoto, the emperor was there, so it was essentially the cultural center of the country. The nobles who lived there got money from owning land in far-flung provinces, but actually having to live in those provinces? What a drag! Having to live away from Kyoto for work, even if it wasn’t an official banishment, often felt like a punishment to the nobles and their families who were used to the social scene at court. And, like affluent courts around the world throughout history, understanding all the intricacies of style and “Heian Rumors” was key to having social clout, and popularity was power. And yeah, nobles would be vicious to each other. While clan dynamics and history are complex and not something I’m getting into here (I don’t consider myself well-versed in it enough), the Fujiwara clan is a BIG DEAL.  Basically, in Heian times, children were typically raised in their mother’s home, thereby heavily influenced by their mother’s clan, so besides a young man’s parents, his in-laws also would had been hugely influential in his life, as they will have a long-felt influence on his progeny. The Emperors typically married Fujiwara daughters. This, in addition to other positions of influence of the Fujiwara clan members usually held with influence over the Emperor, means that politically, there was no messing with them. Now, just because I say Muzan might had been a Fujiwara clan member, I don’t necessarily mean a member of the main branch of the family. Often, due to inheritance management, different branches of various noble clans might be given different surnames. The Fujiwara clan does have different branches, some of which did go one to have close ties with the imperial family even after the fall of their power at the end of the Heian period and all the way through the Taisho, and some branches carry some impressive family legacies but otherwise live like normal or high-class common folk in modern-day. (I know one such Ojousama from a renamed Fujiwara branch; she’s a sweetheart and never brings it up herself but every time I hear other people say things about her family, I’m like, dang.) We can venture from Muzan’s likely expensive medical treatment, multiple marriages (meaning other clans sought to be connected with his family even by marrying their daughters to a sick man), and even preparation for cremation as a baby that he was of a very, very high status. 

Being the sick son of a prominent family may have warped his personality in multiple ways: first, he was probably already used to a culture of popularity equated political power. We see in Muzan’s dealings with humans in the Taisho period that he can be exceedingly charming to get what he wants (a psychopath trait, haha), so he was probably pretty aware of the complex ways of socialites in the court. But, even being aware of that, it probably frustrated him to no end that he was too sick to take part in the social pastimes where he’d gain clout. It’s also possible that he was a bit of a bargain husband for his wives’ families who were seeking to a make ties with his family, as they must not had been politically useful enough to be married off to other powerful matches. This may be some of why he was so ruthless to them, for he never saw them as useful to him in the first place. This probably got a bit worse once he became a demon. Now to be lewd, but he probably got more vigorous in his pursuit of more powerful lovers, and knew how to slay the women’s hearts as he liked (you know, popular Heian pastime, everybody had lots of lovers, it was the norm, though political marriages and legitimate children were still important). That new sense of power probably went to his head. But, ultimately, he must had been limited in clout since he couldn’t take part in any daytime activities, thereby limiting his access to more powerful spheres of influence. His reputation from having grown up sickly must had followed him too. It’s anyone’s guess how much affection his parents had for him and how happy they were about his health at first, and if and when they might had noticed his changes. He was a full-fledged adult by the time he turned into a demon, so who knows how closely they even associated with him. They likely had healthier children who they devoted more care and attention to, and invested more family resources in while assuming Muzan would probably die young.

Who knows what the final straw was in Muzan leaving court? Was it frustration at not being able to walk in daylight that made him flee to the Kanto area in pursuit of the blue spider lily (from near where the doctor lived) long before Kanto became politically affluent? Or was it the rumors at court about how he didn’t age, and that he was eating people?

Of note, a lot of the early legends of demons in Japanese culture take place in the Heian period.

In his book “Japanese History of Demon Slayers,” retired Shizuoka University professor Tetsuo Owada capitalized on the success of Kimetsu no Yaiba to dive into a lot of ties between the series and what it may pay homage to throughout Japanese history and culture. While this was published last September and a handful of his theories have been disproven by the second fanbook published last February, and while I think a lot of his theories are stretching a little too far to make strong connections, it’s still deeply, deeply interesting stuff. He goes into some specific comparisons of demons, like Minamoto-no-Raiko and his posse of four big bad warriors taking on the Tsuchigumo (giant spider demon) terrorizing the mountains north of Kyoto harkening to the case of Rui’s family (and, ding ding ding, this was the primary focus of the official Kabuki/Kimetsu crossover last November), as well as takes little questions left in canon and dives into them a bit deeper. One such question is, why were wisteria lethal to demons? According to Prof. Owada’s research, there is no historical basis for this. Some of the talk online is that: 1. Wisteria are in fact poisonous, and consuming too much of them would cause vomiting and diarrhea (though I’ve also seen people make jam out of them because of the fragrance, so, like???) 2. Beans are thrown around at Setsubun to ward off demons (like so, Feat. Muzan and Kimetsu Beans), and wisteria are of the bean family 3. Wisteria like sunlight, so perhaps like Nichirin, they soak up some of the sun’s properties that are lethal to demons 4. In the language of flowers (Hanakotoba), wisteria symbolize kindness, welcomeness, refusing to leave someone’s side, being drunk with love, being straightforward and truthful, not losing the humanity in one’s heart, thereby containing a lot of meaning contrary to the conduct of demons Interesting, but some of its kind of a stretch. While still finding it a stretch to apply it to wisteria being poisonous to demons, Prof. Owada goes on to say that since ancient times, while the wisteria has some negative connotations of how it was sometimes written with characters meaning “doesn’t heal” (不治) and growing downward with smaller and smaller flowers like symbolize the slow downfall of a family line, it conversely also carries positive connotations of longevity and flourishing family due to the fact that its vines grow upward.

Now, you might picked up at some point that the Japanese word for wisteria is “fuji.” Not to be confused with Mt. Fuji (that’s written differently), it IS the same fuji as in “Fujiwara”: 藤.

Prof. Owada goes on to explore the association with the use of Wisteria crests in Kimetsu no Yaiba, especially on the houses of supporters of the Demon Slayer Corp. His recurring thesis is that the pandemic is partly responsible for Kimetsu no Yaiba’s popularity since demon legends have long since had origins in epidemics, and he supposes the Wisteria crest has a protective effect on the houses, similar to a talisman used in a lot of real life rituals for warding off illness and then often displays in or on the entries of houses to protect the family every year (I have one such item gifted to me, it stays by my doorway, along with a couple sticks of charcoal (but the culture of charcoal is a post for some other day)). The talisman is in reference to a god of Hindu/Chinese origins being treated with hospitality by the So clan, so although other families perished in disaster/disease, he promised to always protect the So clan descendants, so the talisman says “Descendants of the So Clan” so that any household may try to claim that divine protection. The gratitude-exchange of hospitality and protection and sure sounds familiar! Prof. Owada isn’t done yet. While the crest design used in Kimetsu no Yaiba isn’t an actual family crest in in real life, there are lots and lots and lots of family crests that use a wisteria design and have the character for “wisteria” in the name. Any time you hear “—tou”, like Satou, Saitou, or even Gotou, you can typically assume it’s 藤. It’s very common nowadays, but the first family to be granted the use of this name was the Fujiwara clan, when one of the pre-Heian and very powerful emperors granted their clan head this surname, which was a major honor, and it marked the start of the Fujiwara clan’s political dominance (there was already influence leading up to this, but meh, we like clear-cut stuff to simply centuries of history, don’t we?). Furthermore, although we often think of the Fujiwara clan for their influence at court, and we might think of the Minamoto clan for warrior heroes who fought demons, Prof. Owada concludes his argument of wisteria’s protective influence by pointed out a long list of Heian period Fujiwara warriors who also were the heroes of demon slaying legends, stating that their name has also long been tied with demon slayer culture. SO!!! Let me go on with my theory here. Muzan is from the same family line as Ubuyashiki. At some point (I assume after Muzan is long gone from Kyoto), the family is told while their children keep dying, and they accept their mission to bring an end to Kibutsuji Muzan and clear this curse on their family line. My thought is that their ancestor was a full blood sibling of Muzan, one whom was more invested in than sickly Muzan. While perhaps already an off-shoot of the Fujiwara Clan and thereby not entitled to the same sorts of inheritance, they probably maintained close ties with them. But, as it was already not direct by that time, the other Fujiwara clan branches were not affected by this curse. To further spare the clan the effects of this curse, this was probably when that sickly branch took the name Ubuyashiki. (And yes, I have things to say about this name and its possible mythological origins which I find a highly, highly interesting connection. Prof. Owada supposes it is tied with Izumo Taisha Grand Shrine and that is why there are nine pillars, but as much as I love Izumo Taisha and its giant pillars I base my argument in separate Shinto (but also Izumo!) mythology and accept that there are not always supposed to be nine Pillars specifically and Gotouge simply chose that number based on the number of strokes in the kanji for ‘Hashira’ (柱) BUT I DIGRESS). So, the Ubuyashiki Clan is it’s own thing, but is sort of like a cousin to the other Fujiwara branches and thereby continues to enjoy Fujiwara support throughout the Heian period, like some of the Fujiwara warriors going out there and slaying some of Muzan’s early demon experiments, and using their influence to bring in other warriors to the demon slaying cause (pet

theory: Genpei War warrior Kumagai Naozane was a member of the proto-Corp and using Kasugai-garasu was in practice since at least late Heian period). While the Ubuyashiki Clan probably already their own inherited land (and funds that came from it), throughout their history, their cousin clans might also have provided financial support to the Ubuyashiki Clan. But, they probably distanced themselves from the clan due to the curse and not wanting to be tainted. When you bring back in the wisteria associations this puts the contrary associations with a flourishing and dying family line in a new light. Furthermore, the “not healing” way of writing “fuji” also means a lot more in the context of Muzan’s, and later the Ubuyashiki clan’s illness.

[tempobaekh]

Rating Penthouse: War In life characters Pt. 2

I couldn't fit all of them in the first post so here is the second part

⚠️⚠️CONTAINS SPOILERS⚠️⚠️

Shim Suryeon

1000/10

QUEEN

GODDESS

ANGEL

LIKE I LOVE THIS QUEEN SO FUCKING MUCH

SHE IS SO DELICATE AND SOFT

AND MY HEART JUST GOES SKHSJSHSKS WHEN I SEE HER

Ok so her acting is absolutely amazing in the drama

The way the actress pulled off the two characters so well is so amazing and it shows that she has so much talent

She is such an honest, wise, delicate, smart and soft person

But she is also the one that has been through alot

Seeing her own daughter die, seeing her husband die, seeing all the horrible shit Joo Dan Tae did, almost losing Hye In, and also watching a loved one, Logan Lee, die with her own eyes

Everytime something wrong happens you can see so much pain in her eyes that it breaks my heart to see her like that

Her plans for revenge has always been AMAZING

Like she is so smart and I never thought of the plan and it would shock me how she would execute her plan

She so soft hearted like she still cared for Hye In knowing she wasn't her real daughter and cared for her as a real daughter

She still cared for the twins even though they weren't her real kids and still cared for them when they would tell her they hate her and stuff

I also love her like intimidating girl crush side as well

I'm a big simp for her

She is so confident and her acting skills of playing dumb infront of Joo Dan Tae is amazing

Her care towards Rona is also ADORABLE

The best revenge I have seen done by her was in s1 with the like buss area and the masks

And when she held that gun and yelled

" MIN SEOL AH WAS MY DAUGHTER "

Me: SJSSJSJSKHSKSHS

I love this queen

She was also serving amazing looks

I think her honesty and the need to to justice is what made her even more of an angel

Bc everyone is fucked up in Hera Palace

Her destroying Joo Dan Tae's shit was so SATISFYING to watch

LIKE YES GO QUEEN

And when she brought Jung Doo Man with her to the room at the Police Office

I SCREAMED BC HE IS THE ACTOR THAT PLAYED MOTAK IN THE UNCANNY COUNTER AND IS SO HOT

OK ILL STOP

Like yes queen get your revenge

But at the end my poor girl got hurt

Logan: 🧍🏻‍♂️👋🏻💥🔥💣🚘

Suryeon: 🧍🏻‍♀️💐😳😟😭

IM SO SORRY

Her playing Na Aegyo was so hot as well

I loved seeing her girl crush side it was amazing

I love her fit's in every episode

SHIM SURYEON QUEEN

SHIM SURYEON BEST GIRL

Oh Yoon Hee

8.5/10

Lowkey found her annoying at first

But slowly she got bearable

She has also been through alot and has felt a lot of pain

Having to raise her daughter alone, watched her own boyfriend cheat on her, her daughter getting bullied and getting kicked off the school, losing her daughter, losing Suryeon, getting together happily with Yoonchul, even though it was for the revenge you could still se she was genuinely happy with him, and then losing him AGAIN, getting blamed for her own friends death

My girl has been through a lot

But she still is strong

She came back stronger

I was absolutely shocked when I found out she was the one that threw Seol Ah off the edge

And I was even more shocked when she betrayed Suryeon and kissed Dan Tae

Girl I hope you washed your lips with bleach after that

Her confidence in S2 was so amazing I loved it

She also had a beautiful glow up when she came back

Also loved her fit's

I also liked how she didn't push her crime around and blamed it on other UNLIKE the other Hera Palace people and just admitted and felt sorry for it

I LOVE HER

Kang Mari

4/10

ANNOYING 4.0

At first I questioned LIKE why is she here

But then I understood bc her husband is going to play an important role

My heart broke when I saw how she found out that her daughter was getting bullied but also had hair loss bc of stress

And her character development

Like my respect went 📈📈

But soon after it went 📉📉

LIKE SHE CHANGED SO QUICKLY WITH LIKE THE SNAP OF A FINGER

And that showed me that she changed not bc she wanted to

but bc she HAD to

I was so disappointed in her

WHEN SHE SLAPPED SEOK KYUNG THO IT WAS SO SATISFYING TO WATCH

Yoo Jenny

6.5/10

ANNOYING 5.0

At first tho

But then she got better

I found her so annoying at first tho

LIKE OMFG JUST 🤜🏻👩🏻

She was cute with Minhyuk tho

Like I shipped them

Her asking Rona if she had eaten and giving her food was ADORABLE

She is soft hearted LIKE I can see it

Her character development was so cute

Like she genuinely became Rona's friend and liked her

And you could see just how much pain she was in and how heart broken she felt when she lost Rona

Like her only genuine friend was taken away from her

I also cried rivers when I saw how horribly she was bullied

Like they almost gave her a eating disorder

I was disappointed that even Minhyuk turned against her

THE WAY SHE SLAPPED EUNBYEOL WAS SO SO FUCKING SATISFYING LIKE

ILL PAY YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN

But also her beginning to dislike Rona broke my heart

Even though she wasn't entirely mad at Rona you could see it

Minhyuk caused a ruckus and threw like flour and eggs but Jenny patiently waited there and didn't want to do that

Also I feel like her rage and heart broken emotion about her mom going to jail

And seeing Rona alive just got mixed together as betrayal and disappointment and hurt

I really hope she becomes better again

Fingers crossed🤞🏻

Ha Eun Byeol

1.5/10

ANNOYING 6.0

PSYCHO

MENTAL PROBLEMS

SHE PISSES ME OFF SO FUCKING MUCH

AND SHE SCARES ME AT THE SAME TIME

HER SMILE IS SCARY AND CREEPY

🔪👩🏻

LIKE GIRL YOU HAIR TUGGING SHIT

SHE WAS SO DESPERATE FOR SEOK HOON

LIKE HER SCENE REMINDED ME OF SOOJIN TRYING TO KISS SUHO IS TRUE BEAUTY

She is so annoying

But she is kinda like her mother

And young child who is forced to accomplish stuff that is out of her hand

Having way to high expectations

Seojin had way high expectations from her and treated Eunbyeol more like a Robot rather than a daughter

And that's the times I felt and for her

Like again she craves affection and love

And only her father was there to give it to her

I think stress caused her to develop like hallucinations and other stuff

She only found comfort in that psycho housekeeper

Bc that housekeeper treated her more like a daughter than her own mom could

Like she hasn't even properly hugged her mom once

But she still a psycho that needs therapy and help

I wonder where she like vanished at the end of S2 with the housekeeper

Min Seol Ah

QUEEN

ANGEL

SOFT

AMAZING

BEST GIRL

MIN SEOL AH BEST GIRL

I love her so much omfg

She also went through alot

Like her bullying moments broke my heart bc

At one hand she was desperate for money

But also on the other hand she also wanted to accomplish her dream and goal

Amazing voice

And I'm so glad that she has an amazing brother Logan (even though its step)

Her past is also very hurting

I can physically feel my heart hurting when I see her struggles

I really wished we could see more of her

(I'm very sorry if some of them are short that's what I think about the characters and I don't much more to say hehe I'm also very tired and was half asleep while writing this)

[eclecticstarlightconnoisseur]

Paying It Forward

Good Evening all,

Ok, I know I haven’t posted the next chapter of Edinburgh to Boston. I am sorry about that. But it has been a pretty bad, horrible, no good end of the year for me. Hubby got sick again and I had to rush him to hospital. He needed heavy duty antibiotics.  He is now ok, but still very debilitated after his illness. Me? I have been taking care of him, going to work, and my characters have decided not to play nice with me. Hubs said I painted myself into a corner. Not exactly, I just haven’t figured out how to get them to do what I want them to do. And I am tired. Which is partially how this fic came about.  

I decided that I would start to read MOBY for two reasons. One, it has been some time since I read it and I am hoping that Bees will be out this year and I wanted to refresh my memory of what happened previously. Two, I was hoping it would help my writer’s block. It did but in an unexpected way. After getting to a certain point in the story, I went to sleep and dreamt the story you are about to read. It played in my head over and over, like it had to some out. So I wrote it and here it is.

Now that I said MOBY:  SPOILER ALERT!  SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t read MOBY and don’t want to find out what’s going to happen, PLEASE DON’T READ THIS. The story actually draws on ABOSAA, ECHO, MOBY, and a tiny bit from the TV program.

As always I am indebted to @scubalass for her most excellent work as my beta. Also she contributed to the story which made it so much better. I’ll tell you at the end. I am also grateful to @gotham-ruaidh who told me it was different and good. And that I should go with it. The other important thing you need to know is it is written like one of Claire’s voice-over monologues. I know that people hate the monologues, but that’s how it was and I kept to it.

So I give you Paying It Forward. I hope you like it. 

The detritus of the woodland floor muffled the sounds of the Army advancing. Moldy leaves crackled and fragrant pine needles from fir trees helped to disguise their steps. But, it is not in the make-up of the military to travel quietly especially in the 18th century. Horses neighed and harness jingled. Goats bleated. Shot pouches and cartridge-boxes buckled to belts rattled and clinked  Wagons creaked under their heavy loads. Carriages groaned pulling the weighty cannon along. And, of course, there was Rollo, half-wolf, half-dog. The mongrel barked madly harassing man and beast alike as he weaved among them. The voice of my nephew, Ian Murray, called to the animal, “ Thig an seo cù .” Yipping with glee at the sound of his master’s voice, he raced to Ian’s side.  The sounds of infantry on the move certainly broke the peace of the coppice.

Our journey became hampered by the dense forest we traveled through. It was thick with trees, bushes, and bramble impeding the progress of the Continental Army as they marched toward Monmouth. Once there we were to muster with General George Washington and the other battalions.

Commanding this regiment is the newly ordained General James Fraser, my husband to whom I serve as company surgeon. I do admit it was quite a shock to first see him dressed in the full military regalia of a Continental Officer.  I began to tremble becoming a quivering mess when I first took him in wearing an officer’s dark blue and buff.

“Why does it always have to be you? Haven’t you, haven’t we given enough? Isn't it time for you to put down your sword and pistol?” I shuddered as I recalled the failed attempt by Charles Stewart to regain the Scottish crown which resulted in our twenty-year separation. The skirmish at Alamance that resulted in Murtagh’s death and the hanging of our son-in-law Roger which almost cost his life. The battle of Saratoga where I amputated one of Jamie’s fingers. Now, we were being pulled into another conflict. Was it too much to want to return to our simple life on the Ridge I wondered? But Jamie, my Jamie, is a highlander born and bred. A decent man, with strong principles and morals. He is a man of honor and that is not a small thing to be. I watched him as he sat at the head of the column, sitting straight and tall in his saddle like the true highland warrior he is. The breadth of his powerful back and shoulders would leave no doubt in anyone’s mind that he was born to lead, to command, to this moment in history. And command he would, braving the responsibility of leading his battalion to fight against the oppression of the British king.

Jamie knew the meaning of suffering, cruelty, and loss at the hands of the English. The loss of his home, his country, his own personal freedom came at their hands. And the loss of his family. He had quite the history with the Redcoats. Arrested for obstruction, escaping, then being recaptured. He ran afoul of a sadistic dragoon captain who had him flogged most cruelly one hundred lashes upon one hundred lashes. He escaped again and lived as an outlaw on the run instead of facing the gallows for a murder he did not commit.

Then there was Culloden. Where he, or should I say we lost everything. I was pregnant with our second child; our first child, a daughter, was stillborn. On the eve of battle, Jamie forced me to return to my own time for the safety of myself and our child. Jamie believed it would be his destiny to die in battle. Instead, he lived. Again he went into hiding for seven years living in a cave in Lallybroch. The Redcoats continued to harass his family, stealing what they wanted from the estate. They arrested Ian, Jamie’s brother-in-law as the Redcoats believed he knew of Jamie’s whereabouts. And there was the Highland Clearances which destroyed homes, Scottish culture, language, and their way of life.

Jamie was not driven to this war because of a need for revenge because of his losses, but rather he felt he was honor-bound as a father to take up his sword to protect those he loved. Even if those he loved lived centuries after him.

“Ye said that this was meant tae be Brianna’s home, her country, aye? Then I must do what I can for our daughter and her bairns. ‘Tis my duty as sire and grandsire to see that they will live free, Sassenach.”

And he would do what he must for Brianna, Jem, wee Mandy, and Roger. No matter the cost to himself.  

My mind completely focused on Jamie and our immediate future prevented me from noticing a tall man thin as a rail standing in the middle of the road blocking our progress. Immediately, Jamie’s second in command rode up next to his commander.

The man did not budge an inch. He was rather rough looking. Wearing a knitted cap on his head, his long greasy hair protruded out. A grizzled beard covered his face. His clothes were quite worn having been patched many times. He wore no shoes. In all, he looked quite primitive.

Suddenly, he moved with a decided determination; a man on a mission.  The man strode up to Jamie assuming correctly that he was the man in charge.

A strong downward breeze announced his presence. Most likely the man had not bathed in months if not years. The odor was enough to make your eyes water.

The old man came forward eyeing Jamie like an entomologist studying a new species of bug. Relaxing he gave a tug on his cap and briefly bobbed his head.

“Ye in charge here?” the old coot demanded.

‘Aye, I am. General James Fraser at yer service sir. Might I enquire to whom I am speaking?”

“Mortimer Hepplewhite the owner of this here land yer trespassing on. And I want tae know when ye will be gone.”

“Mr. Hepplewhite, we shall be off yer land as soon as may be. We need to travel off the main road for now as there have been sightings of English troops nearby.”

“Well, all yer clanging and stomping about is disturbing the peace of me home.”

Jamie turned around to look at the property. It had not been cleared for planting nor were there any animals grazing. All that stood in the distance was a ramshackle cabin with a lopsided chimney discharging an inordinate amount of smoke.

“I dinna see any crops, or animals grazing, or people that we might be disturbing, sir.”

“Not disturbing he says! Why I’ll have ye know me Arabella is in a right fit. She doesn’t care much for strangers.”

The recluse, a long-limb man, raised a heretofore unnoticed ball of fur and thrust it under Jamie’s nose. He focused on it intently causing his eyes to almost cross. It hissed, spit, and yowled with great ferocity.

It seemed that Arabella was a cantankerous cat. And was as ill-kempt as its master with matted fur and bald in spots. One fang hung outside its mouth and on closer inspection seemed to be missing an eye.

Mortimer drew the beast close to his chest whispering sweet words of comfort while tenderly stroking its scraggly fur. The cat settled in his arms and even began to purr.

Jamie called to his Lieutenant and leaned over to whisper in his ear. He nodded and rode off to follow his orders.

I sat on my horse watching this spectacle play out. Without warning, I felt the sudden loss of my cat and worried about his well-being. Adso was part house cat and part feral cat. However, he was my cat. He loved to jump onto my lap to snuggle and drift off to sleep. Or lie on the windowsill basking in a sunbeam tail swishing like a metronome. He did wreak havoc in my surgery at times but he was mine, a gift from Jamie. Adso was just as much a part of the family as any of us. So why couldn’t Arabella be this lonely man’s family?  Family is whoever you say they are.  

The Lieutenant promptly returned carrying a bundle which he handed to Jamie.

Jamie slid down from his horse and approached the gentleman.

“On behalf of the Continental Army, I would like tae offer ye recompense for disturbing yer peace. Please accept this small token from myself and General Washington. And for the lovely Miss Arabella, I make a gift of this fish just caught this morning.”

Jamie removed his hat and bowed to the man.

Mortimer truly wasn’t sure of what to make of this but graciously accepted the parcel. He removed his cap revealing a head of matted hair and returned the bow.  He replaced his cap, straightened his shoulders, held his head high as he strolled back to his home, a rich man. A man made richer not for what he received but for the respect given him.

Later that night as I lay in Jamie’s embrace I asked him what prompted his actions on the road.

“Do ye ken the conversation we had in the gardens in Philadelphia? The one about what happened between ye and his lordship?”

Did I remember, he wanted to know? How could I forget?

“Of course I remember, you said that you would mention it from time to time.  Am I to take it that this will be one of those times?”

“Aye, ‘tis. But not what yer thinking about,” he said with a sidelong look. “I’m speaking of how John’s friendship healed us during times of great need. Mine at Ardsmuir, Hellwater, and Jamaica. Yer’s when ye thought I died.” The topic of my hasty marriage to John (for strictly political reasons) was still a sore point to him. He understood it, but didn’t and wouldn’t like it.  

Jamie let out a sigh trying to collect himself before continuing, “Mortimer was naught but a poor lonely old man, Sassenach. And I did not do much for him. I gave him a wee bit of flour, lard, dried meat, apples, and some parritch.” Jamie stopped to think for a moment, “Oh, a razor, a lump of soap, and a fish for his mangy cat.”

“Are you saying that you did this because of the kindnesses John showed us?”

“Exactly so, mo ghràdh . I felt..it just felt like the right thing tae do.”

I raised my face to look at him, “There’s a term for that and it's called paying it forward .”

He looked quizzically at me trying to understand what I meant.

“What that means is when someone does something kind or helpful for you, you return that kindness to a different person instead of repaying the person who originally helped you. Did you know that the man who started this idea is alive now?”  

“Och, aye? Who is he Sassenach?”

“Benjamin Franklin. I think you would like him. He was a founding Father, freemason, inventor, scientist, and a printer.”

His eyebrows lifted at the mention of Franklin being a printer and a freemason. “I should like to meet this man one day. “

Jamie grew quiet as he attempted to digest this information. “Paying it forward,” he rolled the words around in his mouth tasting them. “Aye, that’s it. Just so, I was paying it forward.”

“Jamie, I think what you did was far greater than repaying a kindness. I think you gave him something more than he ever expected. You gave him respect and a way to restore his dignity.”

He leaned over and kissed me, “Aye, Sassenach, respect is something every man or woman deserves.” Jamie stopped to think for a moment, “No man wants to go about stinking if he can help it.” I knew he was thinking of his time hiding in the cave and as a prisoner at Ardsmuir. “There were days I thought I would never get the stink off my body, dirt from under my nails, or be rid of the lice. ‘Twas a small thing but it may make a big difference to him. Maybe it will help to restore his self-regard.”

The following day we resumed our journey. Once again a man stood in the road again blocking our path. There was something vaguely familiar about him. It was Mortimer, now clean-shaven, clothes washed having removed several layers of filth, and much less fragrant. He carried a pack strapped to his back probably containing all his worldly possessions. Strangely he carried a beautiful and well-maintained musket in his hand.

He approached Jamie, removed his cap, and bowed deeply.

“Yer Excellency, I have decided tae travel with ye fer a while. If ye dinna mind.”

“Yer presence is welcome, Mr. Hepplewhite. Find yerself a place among the men. This evening please come by tae see my wife. She is the physician of our troop. She will see tae yer physicking needs should ye have any.”

“I thank ye, sir.” Mortimer replaced his cap, lowered his head, and took a position among the rank-and-file.

Jamie smiled, a pleased look playing across his face. His arm raised and he waved us forward.

As the men resumed their march, a wee black puff ball of fur stuck its head out of Mortimer’s bag evidently Arabella had a wash-up too.

                                                  ********************

Thig an seo cù - Come here dog.

If anyone wants to know, Jamie’s white stallion’s name was Samson. And he sneezed violently when he sniffed Mortimer.

A little bit of history here. Benjamin Franklin lent Benjamin Webb a sum of money to start a business. He told Webb that when his business was successful and he had paid all his debts, he should likewise help someone else like Franklin helped him. In return, that gentleman would have to assist someone else like Webb helped him. Franklin hoped this would continue until some knave would stop its progress. The idea of paying it forward was born.

We can all thank @scubalass for telling me about Ben Franklin and Paying It Forward.  She is truly an amazing person and a fount of information and wisdom. I think that this added so much to the story and found it quite interesting.

Thank you for reading. I hope you liked it.

It is also on AO3 where I am LadyJane518:   https://archiveofourown.org/works/28907349