#if i had that much money to give them i would go abroad by myself

[velvetmatte]

I better give up on miracles

[novankenn]

A Winning Hand AU An Exodus

/== Master Post List ==/

Blake and Yang knew things were getting out of hand, bur they also knew they were in no position to help in dealing with it. So they made the smart decision. To stay out of the way, as Pyrrha and her "Sisters" did their thing... which apparently involved several of them packing for trips abroad.

Yang: Hon... I've got a bad feeling about this. Are you SURE I'll be safe in Menagerie?

Blake: Listen Babe. Pyrrha has said you're not up for grabs. YOu're "my blond" but yes.... you'll be safe, and we can start a happy life together, there. Just u...

Just that second the door to what was formerly team RWBY's dorm swung open, and in walked Yang and Blake's roommates. Ever since the "SisterHood" or the "Court of the Red-Queen", depending on who you asked... started Ren and Nora had moved in with Yang and Blake.

Nora: Nope!

Ren: Nora!

Yang/Blake: Nope? Nope what?

Nora: We are coming with you.

Yang: Why?

Nora: It's not safe around here. I might have been labeled Rennie's Red-head... but the looks those...

Yang: Sisters?

Blake: Cultists?

Ren: Baby-crazed psychos?

Nora: All of the above... give me makes my skin crawl. Like what would happen to me if something happened to REN?

Ren: Nothing is going...

Nora: What if something DID? Like a piano being dropped on your head?

Yang: Nora I don't...

Nora: Like you're ANY SAFER!

Yang: What's that supposed to mean?

Nora: What if something happened to Blake and she's not in the picture anymore? What if you guys break up? What do you think would happen then?

Yang: Oh Gods... what would happen? Blake's the only thing keeping me safe!

Blake: Nora, stop putting those ideas into Yang's head! It gives her nightmares!

Ren: Nora, enough. Pyrrha and Jaune are out friends. Everyone in that... group is a friend... well except for Neo... she strikes me as a little stab happy.

Blake: Ren is right. You guys are safe. You're spoken for, and I know Jaune wouldn't let...

Nora: But Juane's not the one leading the group. It's Pyrrha!

Yang: Yeah, this all started with P-Money.

Blake: Okay. We're getting off track. So you and Ren want to come to Menagerie with Yang and I?

Ren: Please, if it is not too much trouble. It would just be for the trip there. We can find out own lodgings and such. It wouldn't be the first time we've needed to work to support ourselves.

Blake: But what...

Nora: Smash Grimm, duh.

Yang: It would be nice to have some company. It's a long trip right?

Blake: Depending on how we go. Bullhead would be the fastest, but I know we don't have the fu...

Nora: Hold that thought.

Yang / Blake / Ren: ????

Nora moved to the door, and leaned out...

Nora: WEISS! WEISS CAN I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

Nora leaned back, and gave everyone a smile.

Nora: We'll just ask...

Weiss: Good afternoon Nora.

Nora: AHHHHH!!!!

Weiss: Umm, you asked to speak with me?

Nora: Um... could we borrow enough lien to get four one-way bullhead tickets to Menagerie off you? We'll pay you back, I promise!

Weiss: Why do you want to leave?

Yang: Well... um...

Ren: Peace of mind, plus you could always use this dorm to help... house you other sisters?

Weiss: Peace of mind? You two are perfectly safe. Yang is Blake's Blond. Nora is Ren's red-head. You are untouchable so saith her Majesty the Red Queen.

Blake: It's great of you to say it, Weiss. It means...

Weiss: So long as you are not abandoned by them.

Yang: And you made it creepy.

Nora: So, can we?

Weiss: Certainly. I will book your flight myself. First class.

Nora / Ren / Blake : First class?

Yang: I've never flown first class before. Is what they say about the leg room true?

Weiss: Yes.

Yang: Sign me up!

Weiss: I will. Please be safe, and please stay in touch.

Nora: We will, I promise!

Weiss: Very well. Will two days be enough time?

The quartet nodded, and Weiss smiles and as quickly as she appeared she vanished.

Ren: Well that was... convenient, but not unwelcome.

Nora: Time to get packing! Nudie Beaches here I come!

Blake: That is NOT a thing in Menagerie!

Ren: Yet.

Yang: Did you just say yet, to Nudie Beaches not being a thing?

Ren: Maybe.

[gaiaxygang]

slowly, together

chopperben, post canon conversation / missing scene about the future. 1k words.

"I've been thinking of studying abroad."

Ben's words break the comfortable silence.

Chopper and Ben had started spending more time together again, after Kit's arrest. It had been awkward at first, but before long they found themselves practically attached at the hip like before, always unwilling to part. Ben's presense helped filled the silence in Chopper's too-large house, his loneliness melting away with the presence of the other boy.

They hadn't been doing much today. They rarely plan their hang-outs (dates?) since it never really mattered what they did. Being together was enough. Today is no exception, the pair sitting next to eachother on the floor of Chopper's room in silence, their hands intertwined.

Ben looks at Chopper and squeezes his hand as he continues to speak.

"I was thinking for applying for a scholarship somewhere overseas, for music. I've been thinking about this for a while, Chopper."

Chopper frowns as he thinks about Ben's words  He's not sure why Ben is telling him this. Chopper has enough money to study anywhere he wants to and his grades are decent, but it's not like he'd be able to pursue music with Ben or anything. He's never had an interest in it, and any classes he'd taken never stuck.

He's not sure if Ben would want him to, either. They're dating now, but that doubt still creeps in sometimes. Someone like Ben who shines like the sun and acts warmly towards everyone he meets, doesn't suit the quiet and reserved Chopper.

Yet they're in his room holding hands, seated so close their knees are touching.

At Chopper's confused look, Ben let's out a small sigh and turns to face him fully.

"I was thinking... If I went alone, I'd be in an unfamiliar country, all by myself. So maybe... if someone were to come with me, someone like my boyfriend..."

He leans in close to Chopper's face as he finishes his sentence, searching for a response. Chopper's eyes are wide as he processes what Ben said.

"You want me to— that's—" Chopper stammers. He's never really thought about where he'd go after high school. He has the money and the grades to study anywhere he wishes, but he hasn't found anything that truly interests him. He doesn't have any strong feelings about a particular field like Ben, and it's not like he needs to pursue something profitable. It's not something he flaunts, but he's rich enough to make it through at least a few decades while barely working.

He wants to share it with Ben, but Ben rarely lets him.

Chopper takes both of Ben's hands with his own, looking straight into his eyes.

"Of course I will."

Ben pulls back immediately, but Chopper has loved him for long enough to know that he's only flustered. His suspicions are confirmed when he spots a slight tinge of pink on Ben's cheeks.

"I... I wasn't being serious, you know. You don't have to come," is Ben's response. He avoids Chopper's eyes and nervously rubs the back of his neck. "It's fine if you don't."

Chopper smiles and gives Ben a small nudge. He likes to fluster Ben, finding that it's one of the few times he's genuine. Ben is always trying to present someone he thinks will be loved to the world, hiding his insecurities and bottled up negative feelings beneath a warm exterior. He tries it in front of Chopper too, but he's able to see through him more often than not.

"Of course I will."

Ever since the incident with Ben and Nueng's kiss in the music room, the relationship between Ben and his father has taken a turn for the worse. It was never good, but Ben feels like he's been walking on eggshells ever since. Ben has always wanted to study music in university, but it was only then that he started looking at scholarships for overseas universities.

It's something the two of them have in common, the pressure from their fathers to become something they're not. Chopper doesn't have it in him to truly challenge Nueng for the position of heir, never cared for being a perfect son. He wants nothing more than to live with the people that he loves the most, and dislikes competition.

Ben can't become what his father wants, either. He can't change the fact that he likes men, and his passion for music is unwavering. He hates having to hide parts of himself for someone that he knows will never truly love him, to endlessly compromise and pretend.

Now, Chopper is more free than he's ever been. His relationships with Nueng and Aunt Tanya are nothing like the family rivalry his father tried to push. He doesn't live with them but he visits for dinner, he sees Nueng at school, and Aunt Tanya treats him warmly the way she does Nueng. Kit is in jail and although he's not yet out of Chopper's life for good, he knows it'll only be a matter of time until that happens.

(There's a part of him that wants to try and mend their relationship, hoping that Kit would have changed. He tries not to dwell on it.)

Ben doesn't have any of that. He still lives with his father (though he's been spending more time at Chopper's house than his own), and he doesn't have the money to move out. He likely wouldn't be able to afford an overseas education without a scholarship, either. It's something he's confided in Chopper about before, frustration clear beneath his joking tone. Yet he turns Chopper down whenever he offers to help, preferring to try and settle things on his own.

Chopper loves Ben, but he wishes he would let go of some of his pride sometimes. He wants to be able to provide for him, to spoil him, to share every aspect of his life with Ben. He wishes it isn't this difficult.

Ben leans into him, his head finding its way onto Chopper's shoulder. He switches the topic of conversation, starting on how he'd caught Nueng composing yet another song for Palm in the music room (he's such a hopeless romantic, I can't believe...) while absentmindedly playing with a loose thread on Chopper's shirt. He's never been this physically affectionate, something Chopper suspects is out of fear of being seen. Chopper pulls Ben closer, almost into a hug.

He hopes it'll get easier, someday.

[kiawren]

For the ask game 💜

💜/Purple:

What would your f/o do if you got into a argument? Would they eventually apologize?💙/Blue:

Your f/o is having a bad day.. How do you cheer them up? (+ Reversed for the other way around !)

🧡/Orange:

You and your f/o are going on a roadtrip! Along the way you stop at some corny tourist traps. How does it go?

Hi Opheliaaaaa :):) :)

I answered purple here😁😁💜💜💜

💙/Blue: Your f/o is having a bad day.. How do you cheer them up? (+ Reversed for the other way around !)

If kiawe's had a bad day he's probably stressed about his dream of studying dance abroad, like the finances and whether he will get accepted or he's worried and unsure about the future, like should he even be pursuing this? I don't think he'll feel negatively when he's tired, cuz it means he trained hard that day and he'd feel rewarded. But him being worried about his future is mentioned when I answered 💜 and also is actually shown in the game where he gets laid off from his part time job that helped him save up to study abroad and he requests for MC to battle him cuz he says "I don't feel like dancing by myself right now..." and "it seems like nothing ever goes right..."

AND I FEEL SO 😭😭😭😭 CRAZY THING IS HE HAS TO GIVE YOU MONEY AFTER YOU BEAT HIM IN BATTLE CUZ THAT'S HOW THE GAME WORKS (AND OTHER NPCS COMPLAIN LIKE NOO MY POCKET MONEY.. SO IT'S AN ACTUAL THING THEYRE AWARE THEY HAVE TO PAY YOU).. LIKE WUAUWHHGRHG...IM Crying. . Anyway yeah so wren cheers him up by offering to battle him, or dance with him. Cuz I guess wren has tried to learn the basics of fire dancing, so either they do basic moves together or Kiawe continues teaching him. If wren feels like Kiawe really isn't up for doing this stuff though and he just wants to rest, he's really great at just offering a listening ear and advice if he wants. And a hug 🥺....

But yeah wren will just start saying all the things that makes them believe Kiawe will make it and why he's awesome and why they love him and why they wholeheartedly think he'd definitely reach his dreams, and it's okay if he feels like he won't but they can face it together and wren will always be with him to see it realised or overcome the challenges together 😊

And of course Kiawe will feel like he's burdening them by needing some comfort or assurance and wren is always saying it literallt does not bother him like at all not even a little bit and he can always seek comfort in them... Sorry I'm looking through my recordings of the battle with him and I'm his words are so heartbreaking 😭

LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE SINGLE 'SORRY' AS THE ONLY WORD ON THE TEXT BOX LIKE HES SO GUILTY ABOUT IT LIKE KIAWE SHIT THE FUCK UP. SHUT UP 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 IM SO HEARTBROKEMR I FORGOT HE JUST STRAIGHT UP SAUD "Sorry." STOP IY

Wow this next question looks fun and cute and wholesome and happy

🧡/Orange: You and your f/o are going on a roadtrip! Along the way you stop at some corny tourist traps. How does it go?

OH ABSOLUTELY ALOLA HAS LOTS OF TOURIST TRAPS LOLLLL honestly i can't think of specific ones but it's literallt pokemon hawaii so of course. Well if it's akala island kiawe would know some better places around the area with less people we coukd watch them from. Like at Royal avenue and the battle royale probbaly there's lots of tourists there. Maybe they'd be like Buy this Legit mask and Legit Pokeball the Masked Royal owned 😆

But I think primarily it's melemele island? Like the shopping district at the beachfront has prices so marked up.... So it's fun to pass by but not buy anything and maybe make fun of the tourists getting mid food when mallow cooks the same food but nicer and much more affordable at her locally owned family restaurant on akala.

Also some of the tourist traps would probbaly be like Check out this REAL scale that tapu lele dropped which is SO rare And it's like a piece of Plastic or like. This Genuine Flute that when you play it tapu koko will come But like not now you have to silence your surroundings and your heart yeah. And it's hilarious. I think the tapus are not fond of tourists especially tapu bulu he probably trashes their hotel room idk how but yeah

Kiawren generally just doesn't go to these places, but yeha it would be really fun to observe.

Wait i forgor to answer for the reverse part of the Blue question. I guess spending any time at all with Kiawe is my comfort, especially distracting myself by watching him train or talk about his day or his pokemon or alola or his culture I mean selfshipping is already what gets me through bad days so it literally means anything he does will be a comfort for me so yeah. He honestly doesn't need to do anything just breathe and smile

[whentherewerebicycles]

gotta be honest I felt real bad for most of the day yesterday but gosh it’s so nice to be able to swing by my bff’s house after work to eat thai leftovers together and go grocery shopping and cackle a lot. my overall quality of life is about to skyrocket and I just still can’t believe I got so lucky.

I feel a little better today, probably because I’ve switched into planning mode and feel a little more in control of my life again. I think I am going to move forward with IVF abroad (though in the meantime I might go through a couple more IUI cycles to use up the donor sperm I still have in storage). more thinking aloud under the cut… sorry I just have to process everything out loud.

I know many people do IUI or try to conceive naturally for a long time and there might be some wisdom in continuing to try the lower-tech option for a while longer. however, I feel like I need to consider the following things:

I only have one fallopian tube now. it’s still possible for me to get pregnant via IUI, but after reading a bunch of articles I’m not sure that the “having only one tube doesn’t affect your chances!” messaging online is true. I can still get pregnant, but it seems like my time to conception will almost certainly be extended by quite a bit.

I need to weigh the practical costs. if I try IUI for six more months, that’s at least $15k, which is almost twice what an IVF cycle abroad would cost me.

I need to weigh the emotional costs. the IUI failures were tough but I could weather them and I could’ve probably kept going if that last cycle had failed. but the ectopic pregnancy was just devastating and I still feel like I am in a place of lowgrade anguish about it. could I keep going with IUI? yes, if I had to. but I also don’t have to use “could I force myself to endure a very painful emotional experience if I had to” or “have other people endured this painful experience in the past” as my criteria for making this decision. I don’t have to compare myself to other people or make choices based on the level of despair I think I can endure. I can make the ‘selfish’ decision that prioritizes my needs right now, because it’s my money, my time, my life, my heart.

I just really, really, really want to give myself a good shot at being pregnant before my SIL gives birth in March. I would love for our kids to be the same age and I also think that would line me up better with liz & A’s timeline.

obviously I would just be over the moon to have even one baby!!!! but in my ideal world I’d be able to have two kids a couple years apart. and if that is my goal, the time pressure is real. if I got pregnant at 34 I’d give birth at 35 and probably wouldn’t begin the process again until 37, at which point it would be even harder than it is now. if I’m very lucky, IVF might also give me the chance to freeze embryos while my eggs are a little younger.

after a lot of research, I think finding a clinic in Mexico makes the most sense for me. it’s a little more expensive than some of the European clinics, but here are the benefits:

I can book direct flights on points

most flights are under 4 hours (compared to 14-15 hours to europe). so it’ll be easier to get there and back if I have to return for future transfers or egg retrievals—like, I could fly down over a long weekend instead of having to plan around major holiday breaks when I have more time off. I think this will put much less weight on each individual try, as opposed to doing it in Europe where a failed cycle would likely mean having to wait 6+ months until I could accrue enough PTO to go again.

I can arrange to work remotely some or all of the time I have to be in-country since I’ll be in the same timezone

no one is going to make this decision for me or give me permission to do it—I have to be the one to decide to move forward. so I’m deciding. this week I will reach out to 5-6 clinics to schedule initial consultations. I’m not sure how long the waiting period is but man it would be great to be able to schedule something for the fall. I think if I had a date on the calendar, even if it’s a ways out, I could focus my energy on diet/exercise/sleep/overall emotional well-being and just, idk, feel like I was moving towards a goal instead of drifting in time like I am now. if I want this I just gotta get moving. and if it doesn’t pan out I can grieve and shift my focus to other routes to parenthood, but I think I’m far enough down this road that I have to exhaust my options first before I’ll be able to let go of this dream and move on.

[moonjxsung]

ALSKDKDJF OKAYYY !!! I’m glad it’s not a bother !!! I overthink sometimes alskdkjf

urgh so I am having A WEEK :( I hope it’s okay I rant a bit … alslkskdj

helurf okay so after midterms last week, I’ve been trying to like relax and give myself time to rest but IVE HAD SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS :((( and I’m so tired and burnt out and stressed cause I need to start studying for finals and ahhhhhh alsksjjdjf :(

okay now for some more fun updates!! i had fun at uni yesterday!! we had a super fun soil science lab we got to go into soil pits on the farm our campus has and analyze soil (ph, diagnostic horizons, colour, structure, texture etc) !! It was a lot of fun I’m gonna miss the class and my prof :( (it was my last lab)

another fun thing is its art market week at my uni so time to drop a ton of money on prints, stickers and crocheted animals !!! :D

AND okay so I made it into a special like abroad research kinda program/course in like that’s usually only available to upper years students but somehow I made it in alskkskdjdj . Anyways, we get to go to South Africa from like May 14-June 9 to do research and stuff in the field!!! and like IM SO EXCITED??? So anyways, the 19 students that also made it in (it’s a highly competitive program to get into) we had our second group meet up plus our prof (who taught my favourite class by far last term) yesterday and it was a lot of fun and we got free dinner which was super super yum and I can’t believe I’m actually going ahhhhh

and then I went to a friends house for dinner (yes, dinner again) which was fun we like catch up at least once a month and yeah

Anyways sorry for the truck load of information about my life weh

HOW IS YOUR LIFE STAR!!! I WANNA HEAR ABOUT YOU!! (With whatever ur feeling comfy sharing 💗)

🌱

UGH I always forget how close together exam season is WHYYYY ARE UR FINALS ALREADY RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER….. 💔💔 I believe in you angel manifesting all the best for you frfr you’re smart I know you got this 🫶🫶🫶🫶

AHHHH UR UNI LAB SOUNDED SO FUN I love labs where you just get to go outside and do stuff in nature it’s fr so healing 👼 I took a geology course in college where we got to go to this creek near my school and like test the ph balance of the water and it was so much fun being outside instead of cooped up in the lecture hall fr one of the best labs we ever did. AND the art market this week???? RAHHH HAVE SO MUCH FUN we used to have something similar at my uni and I would drop SO much on stickers not even joking my laptop is covered in them still :’)

ALSO OH MY GOD??? TO THE STUDY ABROAD PROGRAM?????? STOP THAT SOUNDS SO FIXKIFNT FUNNNNN IM SO EXCITED FOR YOU WYAHWJDNRJ CONGRATS ON GETTING IN BB ‼️‼️ I didn’t have to do study abroad when I was in college bc covid hit but I can’t wait to hear all about yours and live vicariously thru ur updates AHHHH and it’s coming up so soon !! WOWOWOWOW HAVE THE BEST TIME ILY ILY THATS SO FUN

My day was honestly vvvvv boring but it was productive! I had work and then I had a shit ton of laundry to do but I was tired as fuck and I have cramps bc my period started today so I got coffee first to wake me up and then after cleaning the apartment I caught up on Ateez vlogs and now I’m simultaneously writing and watching Zelda gameplay 👼 I think my emotions are like ten times worse rn because of my period so I’m just taking it easy but I have a huge party to go to this weekend and a lot of my friends are gonna be there so I need to get my shit together and stop being sad bc I don’t want to bring the mood down ☹️ why do I always have a party in the same week I feel like shit LOL the last time I had one my situationship and I got into a huge fight and my sister had to be checking on me like every 5 minutes bc I was borderline crying the whole night it was so embarrassing 😭 (I am so tired of crying over this same girl oh my god)

ANYWAYS I LOVE U ANGEL IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND I CANT WAIT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT UR STUDY ABROAD TRIP RAHHH THATS SO EXCITING CONGRATS AGAIN ILY ILY 🩷💖💞💘💕💓👼

[hussyknee]

Got out of hospital on Sunday afternoon. I'm supposed to have gone to my cousin's down South today (Tuesday) to spend the week, except her brother, my other cousin, flaked on me for the seventh time.

First time was on Feb 13th when I told him I was getting myself admitted to the govt hospital by myself telling Mum I was going to stay with friends, but I needed someone in the family to know where I was just in case. He was abroad, asked his wife to call me, and when I told her in confidence I needed to be in hospital for suicidality, they told Mum. Hilariously also warned her not to let me know they told her bc I would lose all trust in them (no shit). Mum's version of subtlety was bursting in my room, demanding whether my ex husband had married someone else (?????), forbidding me to leave the house without her permission (I laughed in her face at that), and accusing me of stressing her out by living like a depressed hobo.

I called cousin and told him off. Made it very clear again that she doesn't want me to go to the hospital, has always hated that I'm getting psychiatric treatment, and every time I've been in psychiatric care she's harrassed me so badly we'd had to ban her from visiting me. Cuz was very contrite and promised to help; his wife is a nurse so they said they would help arrange food and necessities while I was in hospital.

Two days later on 15th, I realized lugging my suitcase alone to a govt hospital (which I had never done before) and figuring out the logistics of checking myself in was giving me too much anxiety, and asked for his help that he has offered earlier. He said "we will see" once he got back to the country on Sat. And then never called.

I said "fuck it" on Tuesday 14th, left my suitcase at home and went to the hospital on my own. Was instantly admitted, given the last remaining bed that was broken in the middle, in a small, dingy room where a teenage girl just would not shut up and the bedside cabinet was so filthy I didn't want to put my bag on it. Called and left increasingly frantic messages to my cousin to please help tell Mum and bring my stuff, calls and messages to my doc that I couldn't stay here, and after receiving dead silence in return I had an anxiety attack and just ran out of hospital.

Hospital called Mum when they found out I was missing. Doc told us both she wouldn't admit me if I didn't want to stay there but we'll figure something out. Asked Mum to come see her with me the following morning. She agreed, and then just...didn't.

Cousin sent a message two days later saying he had been busy with a workshop since he got back.

Doc consulted at the general hospital on Mondays, so I waited and went to see her alone again. Hours of queues and waiting later, they told me she was on leave till next week. I started to cry, so they told me to simply come to the ward on Friday and meet her.

By that time I was out of money, out of hope and out of help. I started gathering materials for my exit bag and composed a quasi-farewell note on Twitter. Someone immediately contacted me and offered to fundraise. My other two friends also got on board, wrestled with a write-up for two days, and set up the GFM. Met the target within two days. I already had like one foot in the grave so the realization I might be able to live was confounding.

On Monday 6th I messaged cousin again.

Cuz: How are you? I heard you got admitted and then came back? Felt guilty as I couldn’t help. Was busy throughout that week.

Me: It's fine. Yes the hospital was not in good condition and it stressed me out. A couple of my friends abroad fundraised for me last week and they now have enough for me to try an private hospital

Me: I'm going to meet my doctor this morning so she can advise to on next steps

Me: Again, I didn't tell Mum, I plan to let her know once I have the go ahead. But it would be great if you could help. It's difficult to co-ordinate things on my own and Mum will freak out obviously

Cuz: I will, sister. I had a chat with your mom a few days back. Let me know what your doc says

Doc asked me to come early March 7th. I got late. Hours of queues later, they told me she had left hours ago. I broke down crying. Alarmed, they sent me to wait outside the psychiatric ward for when she'd be back for ward rounds. I sat out there alone for 2 hours, had 3 consecutive panic attacks, decided to kill myself. Send Mum a vitriolic rant that she and her husband should burn in hell and to know I cursed them to my last breath. Mum called and I ignored. She messaged threatening to go to the police. I disassociated and tearfully messaged my former therapist she can't just dump people like she did to me. Started trying to think of ways to kill myself without going home and panicked because I hadn't planned for any of them. Therapist called in concern and I sobbed that I had been waiting 3 hours and doc wasn't here and I didn't know how to kill myself and couldn't go home. Therapist made me give the phone to a nurse (had to find someone who didn't look at me like I was crazy and refuse to take it) and got her to page my doc.

FINALLY saw doc. She gave me a letter and told me which private hospital to get admitted to. I was still half not entirely there so I called cousin and she explained it to him as well. I was going to go directly to hospital and send for my things, but now I was calmer, cousin persuaded me to let him collect me and drop me home. He then told me to shower and pack and wait for Mum to come home, and then leave. I thought he was supposed to take me to the hospital. But he insisted I talk to Mum. But fine. I could do that and take a cab.

Showered, packed. Woman never turned up. Apparently after threatening to go to the police and having histrionics at half the family, she couldn't be arsed to leave work early. Messaged cousin, no reply. Got dark and started storming. I started having another panic attack. Messaged cousin urgently to take me to hospital because I was too out of it to take a cab. No answer. Called Mum. Said she was on her way. Hour passed. I was now screaming at the top of my lungs and bashing my head against the wall begging anyone and everyone to take me to the hospital. Neighbors heard me over the storm and called the house. Was going full on Exorcism of Emily Rose. Unblocked best friend and went on a tirade against her that sounded like a psychotic break of some kind. Instead of getting mad, she called me and listened to me howl and sob and soothed me. Called Mum again. It had been two hours since last call. Said she was on her way. I fell asleep crying.

10pm. Woke up screaming for Mum to take me to hospital. Mum burst in and said I wasn't going anywhere and to shut up and get on the bed so she could pray and apply holy oil on me. Last time I had a horrible colitis flare and begging to be taken to the hospital for an IV also she refused and forcibly annointed me with holy oil. I grabbed her bottle of holy oil and smashed it. She screamed at me that I was in her house and I would obey her. Yelled "IN THE NAME OF JESUS I CAST YOU OUT SATAN! THE POWER OF CHRIST–" and I shoved her out and locked the door. She banged on the door yelling her phone was inside. I opened the door and threw her phone at her head. She yelled that she was the one who had bought me my phone and she would call the police if I destroyed anything else.

At this point I had had four hours-long panic attacks. Was convinced I was going to die here. Made a long twitter thread enumerating the abuse and neglect and religious abuse my brother and I have been enduring at my mother's hands, ending that we would both die here. Friends immediately mobilized. I sent them all each other's numbers. One friend arranged a vehicle, another took it from the ass end of the city to my place. Two more stayed on the phone with me and walked me through getting ready and staying conscious. Snuck out of the house at half past midnight. Was half dead. Friend admitted me to the hospital and spent all night with me. Then another friend took half his work day over and stayed. Another friend I hasn't met in ten years came to see me from work and stayed late. They finally engaged a nursing service because it was hospital policy not to leave patients unattended. They were lovely too. I was so medicated I could barely help with anything, just cried and was so touch-starved I clung to my friends like a burr.

Cousin called me in the morning to ask where I was. I told him I held him responsible and would not be telling him which hospital I was in.

But more than anything I wanted my best friend. She and my closest friends were my real family and I deliberately ruined my relationships with them and drove them away because of years of undiagnosed OCD and because I wanted to destroy my relationships so I could kill myself. Bestie's kindness extended to keeping me company until I was medicated, but then she had to withdraw to heal from what I had done to her.

Spent five wonderful days in hospital. Was fed on time things I liked to eat, medicated, tucked into sleep. No thoughts. Life of a 5 yo basically. Attendants also very affectionate. Desperate for that kind of care for a longer term.

Also the attendants got very attached to me fsr. I'm a natural oversharer but I was also very doped and lonely, so I chatted a lot with them so they got to know about my medical stuff and home situ. And how passionate I was about social justice and animals and stuff. First one straight up wanted to adopt me or something. First one stayed 2 days then had to leave for family emergency. Second one tucked me in like a 5 yr old and hugged me and stroked my head till I fell asleep. She also checked up on me twice after I got home. They were like "I will call you squishy and you will be my squishy" 😂 'Twas very nice. Apparently, for all I am an intimidating menace online, irl I am babie. They were very poor and struggling ladies who needed someone to talk to as much as I did, I think.

Cousin was then supposed to come help me discharge and drop me home. So to nobody's surprise, I ended up doing all the paperwork, paying the bill, arranging a cab and going home by myself. (My beloved friends were unfortunately very stuck that day and I took my attendant with me to drop off at her stop halfway, so if wasn't quite as pitiful as it sounds.)

Nobody was home when I got there, but it was the unanimous conclusion that I need to gtfo. Cousin sister has been insistent I come stay with her bless her. Cousin again promised to drop me off at hers (lmao). Unfortunately the family cat is sick with half his face scabbed over, and the demons here would let him die if it was up to them. But he also keeps fucking off to roam before I can corral him to the vet.

Nevertheless, I was all packed and ready to gtfo today, except to exactly nobody's suprise, cousin messaged he was busy with a leadership conference and couldn't take me till tomorrow afternoon. So now I'm looking up intercity bus tickets because if he actually turns up tomorrow I will take it as a sign of the end times. He also assured me that Mum has called my aunties and accepted that she fucked up LMAOOOOO. I fucking hate these people. She could literally murder us all in cold blood and they'd find some kind of apologism for it. Jesus wept.

Meanwhile, I am still depressed but I am on so much Valium I don't even care.

[bunny-j3st3r]

su/ici/de mention under cut and depression stuff

I think I’m ready to talk about some stuff in my life that’s been happening as of late.

About two-ish months ago I had a rather large relapse in my mental health, I was thinking of the future and getting myself scared, I was thinking how I can’t afford to live on my own and if something happened to my folks I would be homeless, I was thinking how my dogs are getting older and I already lost two dogs due to health issues in a short span of each other, I don’t think I’m mentally prepared if my chihuahua passes away this year.

I was thinking about old photos I saw once, my mom showed me a picture of my great aunt and she looked exactly like me, it was like I was looking in a mirror, my mom told me she died due to weight issues that gave her a heart attack in her 40s, it scared me as being someone who is very overweight due to things that happened in my past that gave me bad habits today.

I was thinking how I can barely afford to live anymore, how I have to beg for help and hope strangers will be kind enough to give money to me to pay for groceries that I can barely afford anymore, how I’ve not really gone out and enjoyed myself for months because I’m so scared that even spending money on a new book is money I could of spent buying much needed food and essentials.  

I relapses very severely, I was going down hill further and further and I had planned on taking my own life when my parents were on holiday so no one would be around to help me.

I had planned it all, worked it out and I had it all sorted for last month, was going to just down as many of my parents left over medication as I could, regardless of what it was, didn’t know what half of them where, I just knew there was a bag of medication that my folks had planned to return to the chemist after there holiday since that had a surplus supply they didn’t need. 

I sat there on I think it was thursday, I remember it had been raining all day and I sat at the back door, watching how heavy the rain was, I had the bag in hand and a large glass of water ready and I just sat and watched.

And then all my dogs started to sit around me, watching with me as I just watched and then our puppy who we didn’t have that long laid her head on my hand that I was gripping the bag in.

I felt myself starting to cry, I don’t remember much, I remember crying so much to the point I was sick a few times, I remember wheezing and then just collapsing on to the couch, burying myself under blankets and all the dogs trying to get on to the couch with me to lay on me.

I remember falling asleep while crying but smiling because a special friend to me sent me a dumb meme as I was going through this, blissfully unaware of the events that I had just planned.

I don’t think I woke up till late that day, the sun was shining, the weather was warm as if my family looking down on me were telling me that the moment had passed.

I stuffed the bag back into the closet and messaged my mom, her and dad still don’t know what I had planned and I don’t think I’ll ever tell them.

I had a bath, I cooked a decent meal and played video games most of that day while also working a little bit in the garden.

In the end I decided to book my first holiday abroad that will be by myself, something I can pay of monthly, I brought myself the new zelda game and have spent a good chunk of time away playing that.

I also started to walk more, I do a 5k hike every few days into the woods and across the fields and just take everything in as I’m going, I want to better myself.

I’m still struggling atm, I’m still finding it hard to talk to most people or be involved in things my friends are all involved in but the matter of fact is I’m here.

I’m here and I’m alive and I am trying to become a better person for myself, even with all my struggles, I’ll work it out, I’m still scared but I’ll work through it.

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Thursday 27 September 1832

5 55

11

fine morning tho’ hazy – F70° at 6 – off to Lidgate at 7 ½  - along the highroad and at Lidgate at 8 – Miss Walker ready to see me, and breakfast almost immediately – sat talking about an hour over the breakfast table then adjourned to the other, and were just going out about 12 ½ when Mrs Stansfield and Miss Delia Rawson called (from Gledholt near Huddersfield, 7 miles off) and staid an hour - Miss W- glad I had sat them out – dined with her at 2, and at 3 ¼ we were off for her to see my walk - Walked slowly by the new road and Lower brea, and sauntered to nearly to Hall-wood gate in my walk – then on returning rested in the hut and must have sat there a couple of hours - walked home with her at 5 50 in 40 minutes and back in ½ hour or less, at 2 or 3 minutes before 7 – found on my desk note from Mr. Parker with reference to the late turnpike road act respecting the power given to open quarries advised my getting some of the Southowram delves to value my stone – Jones of Huddersfield seldom gives more than from 7d. to 1/. a yard for stone - Dinner at 7 – my aunt with me – sat talking to her till she left me near 9 – then wrote the above of today Miss W- and  I very cozy and confidential on parting  she said she knew not when she had spent so pleasant a day I believe her  she sat and sat in the moss house hardly liking to move of course I made myself agreeable and I think she already likes me even more than she herself is aware  she seemed pleased at my reminding her of our walk ton [ten] years ago by hill-top etc when I had joked about her going abroad said it had always been my intention to make the offer more seriously as soon as I could  that she must remember I had always been in the same strain that I had never joked anyone else in the same way and I hoped she would now understand that I was more serious than she supposed she said her uncle and aunt Atkinson had said I should get her abroad but that she had told them oh no it was all a joke ah said I then they understood me better than you did she had told me before that she was always told I was not to be depended on  I successfully parried this and she believes me we talked of the Priestleys etc  I dextrously giving her to understand that she would turn me quite I consulted with her in all frankness of confidence what I should do about the French maid etc talked to her about planting trees at Shibden etc said how much good change of climate would do her  and I now really believe she will go with me! she seems to take all I say for gospel advised to fight shy of the Harveys when they come to Crownest not to enter into dinner visits with them and in fact she seems inclined to follow my advice implicitly she consults me about her affairs ssaid she was sure people never meant us to get together  that Mrs Stansfield Rawson  looked odd on finding me there and in short we congratulated ourselves that chance and Dr. Kenny (I always thank her for the kindness of telling me the plot to catch Marian) had made us better acquainted she said she would call on my aunt on Monday  I to meet her between nine and ten I really did feel rather in love with her in the hut and as we returned I shall pay due court for the next few months  and after all I really think I can make her happy and myself too well said I to myself as I left her she is more in for it than she thinks she likes me certainly  we laughed at the idea of the talk our going abroad together would    she said it would be as good as a marriage yes said I quite has good or better she falls into my views of things admirably I believe I shall succeed with her if I do I will really try to make her happy and I shall be thankful to heaven for the mercy of bringing me home  having first saved me from Vere rid me of π- and set me at liberty we shall have money enough she will look up to me and soon feel attached and I after all my turmoils shall be steady and  if God so wills it happy if Vere had rank and was more charming she would have always thought she did me a favour  and  π- has annoyed me too often I can gently mould Miss W- to my wishes  and may we not be happy? how strange the fate of things! if after all my companion for life should be Miss Walker she was nine-and-twenty a little while ago! how little my aunt or anyone suspects what I am about! nor shall it be surmised till all is settled Had just written the above at near 10 – ¼ hour in the little room and came upstairs at 10 ¼ - Pickles and co. at the wearing – nobody working for me but Dick spreading and breaking ashes – very fine day – F70 ½ ° now at 11 20pm

Miss Walker’s niece Mary Sutherland (the eldest child) aged 3 today

[ratcriminalofalltime]

An urgent and urgent appeal. Please do not stop reading. I am Safaa Asaad, a university student. I am 26 years old and married. I gave birth to my first child during the war. My life was full of love and optimism. I was distinguished in the field of law. I was diligent and had dreams and ambition. I intended to open my own law firm and defend the rights of others, diligence and perseverance. In restoring the rights to their owners, I got married while I was a student. I married the right man whom I had always been waiting for. We loved to always be together. He suffered before he married me. He worked hard to build the house and collect money to propose to me. His source of income was very good, and we got married and lived a good life. As time passed, the war came, and I had not completed the year. My marriage and our home were destroyed. My husband lost his job. My father, after seeing the destruction that befell our area, became unable to speak and became paralyzed from the outside. My husband, two months after entering the war, gave birth to my first child under difficult circumstances in a small tent full of insects and mosquitoes. I and my son could not live in a tent because of the insects, so we fled to escape. The border is under the shadow of the wall. We are suffering greatly, and now, after exhaustion and exhaustion, I decided to create a donation link to go out and save my family from Gaza. We were insulted and humiliated by the occupation army. The relative died and the relatives were killed. We were displaced. I cannot describe what happened to us. I ask you to save my family and get us out of Gaza with a donation. To us via the link, please donate, even if it is $10, it will make a difference to us. They can save us from death, and your donation will be a reason to save our lives, so my son can live the life I dreamed of, open a law firm, and open a project for my beloved husband. Please donate and support the💔💔😭😭 campaign.https://gofund.me/b25cb4bf

I hope you donate it will really help save my family. Even if it is $10 or $20.

🇵🇸

Link to Safaa's vetted GoFundMe: https://gofund.me/9955bd5a

"Hello, I am Safaa, married to Muhammad, and we have a young child named Amir‍‍ from Gaza City. I am 26, my husband is 26, and our child, Amir, is now 8 months old. I was studying law⚖️ and I excelled in my studies. I was preparing myself. To open my law office and everything was about to happen and I became a valuable and prominent lawyer in society in order to defend the rights of others. My husband graduated from the accounting department and recently started his new job. After that I learned that I would become a mother and it was very beautiful news because, it is our first child in 6 months. Then the war came and destroyed everything. I suffered greatly from the pregnancy and we had nothing left. All my dreams and my husband’s dreams were destroyed. My husband lost his job and we had no source of income left. We lost everything beautiful. The family and I went from a state of joy to a state of extreme sadness. We were displaced more than 4 times and in Every time we leave everything behind us and start from scratch, and due to the severity of fear and fatigue, I was forced to give birth to my first child early, before his due date, that is, in the eighth month, in a small tent ⛺️ that was filled with cold and insects."

"I want to work on my certificates as a lawyer abroad, so every small donation, even if it is 10 dollars, can make a difference, and this is important to me. So much for us and our child. Reshaping our lives with love and safety and helping to build new hope in them. The difference in helping me is saving my family from death. I feel so sad and embarrassed to ask for help, but I no longer have any other choice. I know this request is difficult, but I also know that there is still Humanity and belief in miracles. Your support during this time will save us and give us hope. I ask you to donate for me and my family. Thank you to everyone who will contribute to this❤"

[halfgoosehalfmoose]

I feel distant from my parents

A month ago I moved out of my country to study abroad, and I don't really miss my parents.

When I was living with them, I already felt a bit disconnected. It was really hard to have conversations with them, I had no idea what topic to talk about. I found that I grew irritated really easily with them, when they made comments, when I had to repeat myself because they didn't understand or misunderstood something, I got so easily irritated that I would shut off and not continue the conversation. It's hard for me to keep a conversation, I have always been a better listener, so when I do feel comfortable to talk, I talk fast, and I talk a lot, it's how it works for me. When they interrupt to ask questions, spoke over me or made me repeat myself it would break that flow and I couldn't keep talking.

On top of that, we never really talked about emotional stuff. I always also felt emotionally distant from my parents. I'd NEVER go to them if I was feeling sad, depressed, or if something was bothering me. I only talked to them when I knew they could help fix the issue or could give me something to help fix the issue. I always preferred doing all I could to fix the issue myself. I hated crying in front of them because then they would try to comfort me and that made me uncomfortable, as I wasn't used to any display of serious emotion from them. That also resulted in me not going to them when my head was in some REALLY dark places and I also feel like they barely know me, and I barely know them.

I remember going with them to eat in restaurants, or do things together, and the time was filled with silence. Occasionally comfortable, but the vast majority is just awkward silence. Especially with my mom. With my dad, at least sometimes he also gets talkative about some random topic and I like listening to him talk, I learn a lot. But I hardly ever contribute.

When I left, at the airport, I wanted to make it quick. I hoped they would handle their emotions better as they had already said goodbye to my sister(also studying abroad), so they would be more calm about it. They both cried and I didn't know what to do. I wasn't feeling sad or emotional at all, but they were crying, and I wasn't and even my sister who came to visit was crying, and I hugged them for a really long time but it was really only for their sake rather than mine.

I haven't really missed them since I left. I never call them, because I never remember, and when I remember, I notice I don't have anything I want to talk about with them or tell them, and if I do I remember how I don't feel good doing it I just feel irritated and I never do. They call me every now and then, but the calls are always short, because it is almost like an interview, where they ask and I answer, but no matter how hard I think, I can't find anything to keep the conversation going.

I feel bad about myself. My parents have always been supportive of me and my interests, let me have a lot of freedom and independency, and invested A LOT of money in me and my future. I know what a good relationship with your parents normally looks like and I know mine doesn't look like that. I feel like I only use them for financial support. I hate that I feel like that about them when they have done and still do so much for me.

[pokotho]

so i'm taking 2 classes right now that will provide credits towards my fine arts degree. i have NOT had nearly enough time to dedicate to each project as i would like (i am a comparatively slow painter, but i didn't realize just HOW slow i really am until now) and i now have a D- and an F. i scheduled an appointment with my student advisor and i'm planning on dropping both classes. my mom says i should just drop the F one and bullshit my way through the rest of the D- class and try my best to pass because i'm already halfway through.

to this i said, i would rather drop both and retake them both separately so i can actually put my full effort into each and every assignment. i don't even consider myself actually halfway through, because of how many missing assignments i have. i don't want to continue submitting subpar work. my mom says i should just tough it out and focus on passing the one class so i can get my degree faster since i'm going at such a slow pace.

i think a degree is partially just a piece of paper and that the knowledge i gain from going to school is much more important than just finishing my degree. i think there are plenty of artists who have been able to make a career with their paintings without a BFA. i feel that if i follow my mom's advice, that i will be compromising my integrity as an artist. late submissions do not receive feedback. i also think that if i don't put my absolute full effort into ensuring each assignment is up to my standards, then the feedback becomes much less useful. i think the point of taking these classes is to improve, and i can't improve if i'm being given feedback that i could easily give myself. my mom thinks that i'm overthinking it and should just focus on submitting Something. i don't think the bare minimum is enough for me to pass this class, but she thinks i should just try to anyways because of the money they paid for my classes. i think it's better to quit now and start fresh, because if i do continue and pass, i won't be satisfied with my grade, and i won't absorb the full amount of knowledge that the class could provide me which would result in me wanting to retake the class. she thinks i should just get my degree and retake whatever i want after i already have it. i don't want a degree that i don't feel like i earned.

on top of all this, we have a family vacation planned in april that i can't get out of. we'll be abroad overseas for 2 weeks so i'll have to bring any supplies i need for the class and continue working while visiting family

should i drop both classes or just suck it up?

[momiamtired]

i think this world just plays sick jokes with me. i really dont think i will be able to survive if ill continue to live like this. its not that bad i mean i have water, food, house, im studying. its just that i know what i could have. its unfair. i cant believe how unfair this world is. i know some people struggle much more but tbh i cant give a shit ab other people right now. my mental health was awful even before going to this country but right now i just cant believe how awful this all idea with abroad education could be. i had so much hope of going to see my family this summer, to see my cat, my friends, my friends who are able to come to my country only this summer. i just want to be a kid again. i just want to be free again. i just want to be happy again. im tired of all of this im tired so so so much. i have my finals soon. i guess i wont be able to even smile at that period. i miss my previous life. i never thought this all could become like this, my mind is going crazy too. my dad had ocd and it inherited to me ig so i always struggled with anxiety. now my mind tries to explain everythhing that happens to me with some logic or pattern and it feels like im going crazy. i pray every night even tho i dont believe in god. its just my mind trying to tell me that this world can not be that cruel and 100% there is some explanation to what is happening to me. i remember last time i experienced something like this when i was 15 and war only started and i would sit all day in my phone constantly and i cried a lot. i hated my life there bc i didnt do anything except sitting in the phone all time and i lived like this for 2 month i believe? i guess the situation rn is not that bad. i play games with my friends, i have money and tasty food and i dont feel like a failure like i lfelt back there. it just for some reason when things start to get a tiny little bit better to me for some reason everything is ruining and things get so bad that i literraly want to kill myself. i may be too confidant saying this but i believe that if i get some more pressure on my life i will do it. i just cant keep living like this. i met a boy recently and everything was so good. it was one of little to no good moments i experienced here. then he started ignoring me. i have an awful self esteem, i never had a bf or been ignored by guys. i guess i see myself as absolute trash ugly cow and then for some reason be surprised seeing boys not paying me that much attention. then i got a letter that i need to do my biometrics. basically it means that i cant go home anymore. fuck there is car in front of my house i swear to god is this is my roommate i would believe that god is real and he is a fucking satan. i want to pee really bad too and my other roommate washing rn. with her bestfriend waiting for her in her room. i want friends too. she is listening to some pop music. i hate americans i wish they all could die. why some peopel experience what i experience and some of them live like this. i will never believe that she had troubles at least as bad as i had. i know it sounds like im some kind of a slave and pity myself but this is true. and i pity myself. i guess its normal to pity myself when the whole world is just fucking ur ass like a monster. anyways, i cant go back to my country(my only chanse of being happy in this year and the reason why i keep wking up), i hate myself, i hate my appearence, i hate all people around me, im jealous of all of them even when its something small, im failing all of my classes, i dont have friends, the only boy i thopught i was good enough for and we had a good time and i genuanly liked him just ignored me and i decided to give him another chance and we are supposed to meet tomorrow but he said he will tell me when yesterday at the evening or today in the morning and he didnt tell me anything so i guess i lost him too, i have severe anxiety, i have money anxiety?, i dont know english and every time i speak with someone i feel so embarresed bc i always thinks i did something wrong or said something so they think

[goo-stew-4-you]

"Everyone has their vices"

How to determine if you're going through a difficult time:

Stop all your medications against your therapist's advice, since the last one you tried made you want to kill yourself.

End your first relationship, during which you spent 80% of your free time with that person exclusively. Proceed to have limited close friendships.

Overbook your schedule with 3 jobs, 2 time-consuming clubs, difficult classes, and a new honor society that makes you feel shiny, but will take up so much of your time. Attempt to make new friendships, while never seeing your truly close friends, your roommates.

Spend 3-weeks in your hometown. This forces you to slow down, put a halt to the momentum. You may actually being to realize that you're struggling. You may actually reach out to loved ones, have meaningful conversations about the support you need, or at least reach an understanding about how you're not perfect, and, hey, maybe you don't need to be.

As soon as you consider getting back on medication, hop on a plane to Italy. You're going abroad for 8 weeks with people you don't know, in a place where you don't know the language, doing a project that you don't enjoy.

You don't stop being sad in Europe. I learned this the hard way. I am learning* this the hard way. Venice is mystical -- I continue to get lost in the narrow passageways and romantic bridges that divide the city into fractiles. And, it's not a home. I think even if I was happy, it feels offputting. There are no trees or grass in any real sense, and the resulting air quality has irritated my lungs. The canal water is murky, and often smells of sewage or fish. The people are, well, non-existent. That's not true. It was charmingly/eerily quiet prior to Carnival, which is when all hell broke loose. Those skinny walkways became bloated with people in puffer jackets and backpacks and masks. It would probably be fun in a lot of different circumstances. If, for example, I had ever intended on traveling here. But, of course, this location was not my choice. It never was. The place where I was supposed to go, deemed (rightfully) too unsafe to travel to by my university, was also not where I wanted to go, but at least I had prepared myself for it. I set the expectations, and I was disappointed by the change in plan. This all manifests itself as ungrateful, I'm aware of that. I am lucky to have this experience, and I have had a lot of laughs, and made good friends while here, but it still does not discount the sour emotions which have bubbled to the surface.

I won't bore you with the details, but I feel like I didn't know the extent to which I could hate myself before coming on this trip. I can't do anything right, according to myself. The self-hatred feeds the anxiety, which prevents me from doing what I want to do or say or act how I want, which feeds the depression. It's a positive feedback loop of negativity.

I tried to do a lot before telling my parents. I know that they would never be mad at me for being upset, they've dealt with troubled children before. But they worry about me, and I never really give them enough to show them not to worry about me, texts and phone calls are few and far between. But I hit a wall when I was traveling, we went to Bologna. Everything that could have gone wrong, did. I wasted money on train I didn't take, our plans kept falling through, I kissed a girl at the club which made the two guys I was with go strangely quiet on the ride home. I felt like my nerves were shot. We woke up that Sunday morning at 5:30 to catch a bus and then a train and then another bus (when they say it's easy to travel in Europe, they're lying) to the Ferrari Museum, which I honestly had no interest in going to. So, we boarded that bus, with the dredges of clubgoers returning home, and I just sobbed. I took a train back to Venice, and called my parents to tell them everything I've been feeling.

Self-medication. That was my mother's recommendation to me. "Go find some weed, someone there has to sell it. If you can't find that, at least wine is cheap there." I took it to heart. I went out, I bought some weed, and for a week straight, I prescribed myself 2 long drags from an overfilled blunt of the terrace outside my room. Did it help? Of course not, but it numbed things a little bit.

And then, of course, there's the alcohol. I took that advice a little too seriously, unfortunately. Never in my life have I blacked out more frequently than I have here. I will go out buzzed, get to the bar, have a drink or two, and the night will have escaped me. I wake up in the morning still in my clothes from the night before, lights on, and with the cash in my pocket from the night before replaced with a pounding headache. We decided to go clubbing all night a few weekends back, because, when in Rome, I guess. I remember the bus ride there, the walk from the bus station, getting in the doors and getting my free drink that came with my ticket, and then that's it! The entire night, 11PM-5AM, gone from my memory. The people I was with remember it all too well. I apparently went behind the VIP bar to steal pineapple and candies, too 50+ flash photos on my digital camera, and kept running away from them (they told me this in good spirits, thank god). I think I just need to escape sometimes, and that's how my mind is choosing to do it.

Brynne said that she'll go through phases where she's just out of it and that's why she blacks out so often (not scientifically proven, I checked). I guess I'm just in one of those stages in life. The economy of my health is up and down, it's not managed by trends in the market. Maybe if it was, I'd have predicted such an intense downturn.

[bournetoad]

Something I'm jealous of ladies is the wildly large range of wardrobe and hairstyles you can play with. Wild range of makeup, clothes matching, and hairstyles to give completely different tones and vibes.

I'm not saying about wearing traditional clothes and going goth the next day. But just having flowy hair at casual setting and tying a ponytail through the back hoop of a cap when jogging.

I know men can do that too, and I'm doing it, just super slowly.

My parents, although well off, are very careful with money. I think it's ingrained habits left when we were not well off and when my dad was working his butt off.

We always buyed Grade D eggs or lower. I don't like omelet anymore because breaking eggs is like Kinder Eggs Surprise where you can either get a yolk or a rotting fetus. I'd say, "ma, we got stop doing this".

Clothes have always been hands-me-downs. Shirts always baggy and pants always loose because if you buy a size bigger, they'll last years longer. Sometimes, I feel like we are villagers living on a million dollar property.

When I was 22 like Taylor Swift sang about, studied abroad, and got my first green dollars, I was like "no ma, I want fitting clothes". Hell, I want them tight.

Carried the new shiny buckos and got myself 5 different coloured plain shirts from Uniqlo. Spending AU$50 for 5 shirts felt like heresy at the time. Felt like my ma was giving me disapproving looks through the receipt.

I'm not a sexy man but I felt the confidence of going on the catwalk. Self consciousness of trying to be invisible changed to are these people giving me admired looks? Like I'm too sexy for Milan but milder. I wasn't hot but I felt dangerous. Nah, actualIy I felt kinda hot.

Kept a long hair instead of the buzz cut I was told to have for 21 years. I wished I could go to the barber and they would have a Venom Snake MGSV poster beside the big mirrors, and I'll put my pointing finger on that, It'll make a light thwack, and I'll say "I'll have it like that".

I still am trying to build the habit of buying good fashion items. Trying to break the feeling of if I make a tiny financial mistake here, the bad decisions will compound and I'll declare bankruptcy. Habit of too much research before buying something, I end up not buying anything.

Yeah, I got some savvy money skills out of my upbringing but hell, it feels crippling most of the time.

So yes, I'll buy that specific conditioner from a specific brand because of its specific ingredient to address a specific issue with my hair. I'm trying to give myself less guilt over it.

Yeah, I'll join my friends to dinner at that place where it feels like the food price is more to fund the shop's aesthetic rather than to cover the meal cost.

Being a young adult gives some problems but damn I never had this much disposable income to fund my solutions. I'm mid-miserable but at the happiest point of my life right now. Your boy got coffers.

And yeah, I wanna be kinda sexy. Fuckin dress up, bitch.

[uh-velkommen]

Where's the excitement? Life in Sweden:

It's my second full day in Sweden and I have nothing exciting to report other than the wild emotions in my brain. I have little desire to go out and mingle just yet because I've been working my ass off a lot lately and I just need some time to recover. I told a friend that I don't necessarily feel excited about this next chapter of my life because I'm really trying to focus on making the right decisions. A year ago this whole "grad school abroad" thing was really just a manic-impulsive trauma response situation. I wanted to get as far away from my family as possible but also a part of me felt like it was the right move. Like, I was meant for this international traveler's life. As time went on, I started having to really think about the repercussions of a move this big. Am I willing to give up my job, my apartment, my comfort, my minimal student debt? None of my decisions are influenced by interpersonal connections so at least that part was easy. My whole internal conflict was in regards to how much stress I was willing to take on and if I would be strong enough to see it through.

Now that I'm here, I'm again stuck wondering if this was the right decision. Part of it stems from the fact that I'm in Sweden and not Norway. Is this lack of excitement due to the fact that I have no real connection to Sweden? Do I still wish I was actually in Norway? Because, remember, this all started after spending a summer in Norway and learning about Grad schools there. I keep trying to be realistic; I couldn't afford Norway, the timeline didn't work out in my favor, and it's much easier to become a Swedish citizen than a Norwegian citizen (though that's not my end goal, it's still nice to be aware of). Then there's the thought that Norway was exciting because of many reasons, it was my first time abroad, I spoke the language, SKAM, and it was a study abroad trip (those are meant to be fun and I saved just enough money to spend recklessly.) Therefore, I keep reminding myself that this isn't a study abroad trip. This is business. I need to save money, I need to focus on succeeding academically, building connections, experiencing the workforce, finding stability and start planting roots. I have no time to revel in the fun and excitement that the school has to offer.

Also the lack of connection to Sweden allows me to think without the rose-colored glasses. This country is entirely normal. I feel so neutral about being here and I don't know if that's the wrong feeling to have. When people ask me why I chose Sweden, I jokingly answer, "Well I wanted to go to Norway and this was the second best option." Although, I'd never say that to an actual Swede because how messed up would it be to ask a foreigner why they're in America for them to tell me, "Well I actually wanted to go to Canada and I got stuck here instead." I really mean it when I say I'm joking because in all actuality, Lund University was a wiser financial decision, a school that prioritizes post-graduate employment, it has a strong humanities department, and it's built around being an international school. It is a good choice but I tend to leave every school I've attended regretting my time there and I'm scared about this massive change being the wrong one.

I'm tired of people asking me if I'm excited because I'm so unsure of everything that I just default to feeling nothing. And I can't share this with anyone because I get such basic responses like, "You'll be fine, you got this." I know I tend to power through things, I know I got this, but I also know I'm gonna be stressed and reclusive the entire time until it's over. I'm not sure if these feelings are just a form of imposter syndrome, regret, nervousness, or uncertainty. Am I really making the right decision or did I just sign up for something when I was in a manic mood and get stuck having to see it through because everyone around me was in on it and I had no other plans for my life, if not this? I'm so mad that I got so many people involved because I felt trapped. Like, I couldn't back out of it, I had no choice. So many people wanted to experience this through me and that added another layer of confusing emotions to this journey. It's no longer a fun life changing experience for me, I'm stuck doing it for them. To be frank, I didn't want to be alive and so now I'm using other people as an excuse to keep me here. I keep making irrational decisions.

School hasn't even started yet. Who knows how I'm gonna feel after that first week. Maybe it's just the calmness of this week that's causing me to sulk like this. (also there's like too many spiders here for my liking)