#if i had been allowed a childhood
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Hey not to make a political post but does it ever feel like we can just never win and the suffering will be forever and we're always going to have to fight with moments of peace being fleeting and not worth looking forward to
#behind the tent#neg#current events#the worst man alive got shot and lived#if he DOES die he will be martyred . we will be considered a violent threat . the right will revolt#if he DOESNT die he will martyr himself as a survivor . we will be branded as violent and worth stamping out . we're going to be killed#moments of celebration do not last#two innocent people died as a result#and we couldnt even fucking kill trump immediately#and joe biden aint much better!!!#and halfway across the globe innocent families are being ripped apart in the name of an ethnostate and by god Im not letting myself give up-#-hope for them . Im not allowed to feel hopeless for them .#but fuck if the knowledge in my mind every waking day doesnt add to it#and neither of our politicians care!!! and of course the entire fucking world ends up dictated by the whims of the US anyways so the fact#they dont care is crucially fucking important!!#And my right to live and exist in this country will probably be wiped away entirely in a couple of years when I just barely got to taste it#there's a chance I could be hatecrimed next time I walk out the door#And maybe its the ahedonia since childhood speaking too but I'm starting to not see the point !!!!! what is the point !!!!#the fact there ARE people who care about me is the only fucking reason I'm not gonna end it all tomorrow! I swear to god!#And at this point I am waiting for this to finally fucking affect me personally so I can have an excuse to fucking feel that way!#I feel so fucking selfish for being so suicidal when I've been one of the lucky ones but god its not gonna get better is it?#everyone encourages radicalization and change . demands it . begs for it . but it hasnt happened! it will Never happen!#my only god damn choice is to let it lead to despair!#suicidal ideation cw#God I wish I had access to hard drugs
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New theory: at least one of Kotoko's parents is a police officer and she (and her brother most likely) were trained to become police officers themselves.
#HEAR ME OUT#so many things fit together when you think of it like this#Her mindset is exactly like cop mindset and it would make sense for it to be something she was trained into from childhood#She has been taking martial arts lessons from a young age using protection as a reason#Her parents would have had to allowed her to take them. What of they were the ones who set her up for them in the first place?#It would explain how she became Like This with the no persecution thing being true#She didn't go through an event that make her like this. She was taught to be this way#Well you could argue having cop parents and being pressured from a young age is traumatising in itself but I digress#It's the kind of trauma most wouldn't really recognise as such because it's common and not very extreme#She goes to a prestigious university which likely cost a lot in tuition. Her family would need to provide for it. Likely made her go into i#Which would mean she was probably ostracised from her family once she was sent to court and had to drop out#Because a good cop shild would not do this#This would also make her foil Kazui because they had similar childhoods#But one stepped into it a bit too well while the other wasn't ever able to truly fit in#milgram#kotoko yuzuriha#everyone needs to see my vision
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i wonder if ill ever get to know myself in a different environment or if ill b the same stunlocked kid forever
#one of the few hopes i have left#every other one has been stomped into the ground lol...#getting older. getting therapy. taking meds#moving out of our childhood home (altho still with family which i know . is very not good 4 me)#it was all supposed to make me better#it was supposed to make life better#but it didnt#im still the ecact same#and my therapist keeps asking me what i expect to change and im too ashamed but.. most scared to answer#because im not ready for her to tell me it is unattainable#i need my last hope#i need the hope that i can be ok that i can feel different and Think different and experience things different#i think having my boyfriend has been the first time ive actually felt like i made it into the imagined hope#like i finally broke through#even before we started dating like#being able to actually be comfortable with someone for the first time maybe ever#ive never. had my fuckd up brain or body allow me that before#n theyre so fucking cool too#coolest person in the world#n i am so grateful 2 even get to chat w them#n that i get 2 love them#n that they take me as i am#even tho i still feel like i need 2 get better i need 2 improve#because they deserve the best u know#n they make it all seem possible#i hope they dont read this it is embarrassing#i say as if i havent told them before#but im just . in my feelings
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i love being a collector btw<3<3
#no one asked BUT#absolutely no american girl slander allowed#im watching a video that someone took of someone else's ag doll collection and like i am speechless. took my breath away#i havent been speechless about an ag doll collection in a long time but LIKE#it was SO cool seeing how this lady had them all displayed around her house. and how she sectioned off each of them#and she has the original 20 look a like (girl of today) dolls in numerical order#and then i looked over at my collection (because its literally right next to me. if i turn my head right there it is LOL)#and it made me like?? appreciate my collection more? idk how to describe it#like whenever people are shocked when they see my collection im like 'oh yeah its whatever' going both ways of: oh yeah this is nothing ive#seen way bigger collections OR the opposite: i have too many gahhh.#but like seeing that collection and then looking over at mine it just made me like fall in love with collecting again?? idk how to word it#like i know i never fell out of collecting but it just made me appreciate it more. like i DO love my collection and i AM proud of it#ive been actively collecting ag dolls for 9 years now+my childhood dolls when i collected from 2011-2014 (and my sisters 2 dolls)#so i SHOULD be proud of my collection because childhood me dreamed of this type of collection and now im making a it a reality#idk where im going with this but i just felt sappy i started tearing up LKNFKDFJBLKDB#also shoutout to the doll collecting community i LOVEEE seeing other peoples collections and how passionate everyone is <3#no one cares kristen
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#vent post#ugh. the “am I trans enough” anxiety is hitting this week#I didn’t Know from a young age and I didnt have a big epiphany about it#I am a ponderer wrt gender. I dissociated thru childhood and didnt think about it much until I was a teen#I can point to plenty of discomfort I had with masculinity#and jealousy about not being allowed to be close with girls in the same way#but religious didnt leave any space to even consider it as a possibility#and now I feel like i dont belong or deserve to call myself a trans girl bc my gender feelings have never been as strong or intrinsic#reading whipping girl for the first time and having a lot of thoughts#EDIT I’m adding more here#like I identified as nonbinary for 10 years and it wasn’t until I started E that I felt more confortable w calling myself a girl#and so I’m like#was i That repressed? am I just a poser?#whatever#I do what I want
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#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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My mom: *telling me how she's only done what's best for her kids*
Me: *reminds her of a time when she absolutely did the worst for us because it benefitted her more than not doing it would have*
My mom: You have such a creative memory! Wow! You're gaslighting me! This is abuse!
#parental abuse#abuse#bad parenting#bad parent#trauma#childhood trauma#literally this started because she refuses to remember that she sold my water bed for crack money#like. that was the only bed I've ever had that didn't make my back hurt while i slept.#and she sold it. for crack.#and she's all bullshit that never happened!#and so i ask her about like two other shitty things she did and never apologized for#and she pulls out her new favorite word - gaslighting - which she learned from some dumbfuck tv show she's been watching#but when i ask her if she even knows what that means she goes see that's gaslighting!#like. no. gaslighting is telling me things i (and my siblings!!) have a vivid memory of never happened.#trying to act like i have no business being mad at her is#acting as if I'm being dramatic. that my childhood was normal. that not having food or power and living in a crack hoise is average.#i cannot wait to get out of here in december. only 18 long weeks to go!#if i ever have to live with her again I'll kill myself. these two years have been worse for my mental health than anything ever.#I'm a whole ass adult yet I'm not allowed to so much as leave the house without her demanding to know where I'm going.#i have to lie to her if I'm going to see my bald dude (rare. but if it happens) or else she gets pissed at me for seeing people???#but if i say I'm visiting friends (not entirely a lie) she'll accuse me of going and doing gay shit?#because apparently being queer is the worst thing your kid can be in her mind#that i haven't kicked the shit out of her has to be some sort of testament to my patience as a person right?
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this is gonna sound incredibly virtue signal-y i fear but i have been feeling. so fiercely protective of all the transfems i've ever met lately
#marzi speaks#I PROMISE I'M NOT TRYING TO EARN GOOD BOY POINTS HOLD ON LET ME. EXPLAIN MYSELF HERE#obvs we're in kinda a tense political climate rn#and i'm noticing trends have been getting . increasingly misogynistic lately?#in like . a subtle but for sure still noticeable way#and women are being dismissed and all this awful shit#and ppl are going. completely mask off about it when the woman happens to be a trans gender#and it reminds me of when i was a little girl. and how my mom spent so much time in my childhood#training me to not stand for and take misogynistic bullshit from anyone. and to defend other women too#she taught me to assert myself in professional or academic environments. she taught me to stand proud and take up physical space#once as a kid my great uncle (who's always been a nut) didn't let me come on a fishing trip because i was a girl#when i came to my mom crying about it because i loved boats and fishing and my family she just about murdered him. completely tore into him#my whole life my mom has been there to tell me that people will try to put me down. they will try to overlook me or dismiss me#or make me feel smaller. and if i dare to get too confident i'll be labeled bossy or a bitch#and that no matter what i do i cannot let those pieces of shit win. i cannot let that stop me#and that i'd have to fight so fucking hard for it my whole life and it won't be fair but i will do it because i have no other option#and i'm seeing a lot of transfems having to navigate that now too#but they didn't get the privilege of being trained in this since day 1. they have to figure it out on their own#and the demonization right now is so strong that a single misstep can be. so dangerous#and it makes me so mad. all of that built up anger from every time i've had to learn how to not take misogynistic bullshit comes to a boil#the little girl scout in my brain who grew up forcing people to see that a girl can do whatever the fuck she wants fuck you is ACTIVE rn#she's angry. she's so angry. because she's seeing the same bullshit she dealt with in middle school being repeated again#anyways. transfems. i love you so much. you deserve so much fucking better.#i hope you can safely advocate for yourself. until then i will fucking yell and scream from the rooftops because this shit is so unfair#you should be allowed to succeed and you should be allowed to fail. and you should be allowed to take up as much goddamn space as you want#and wear whatever the hell you want. transfems i love you and i am so so angry on your behalf. modern feminism has failed you#and i am going to kill someone over it#remember to be loudly and unapologetically yourself as much as you safely can. do not let them crush your spirit
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mmgghh imagine julian having a zoe murphy from deh style breakdown as he tries to reconcile the brother he remembers, the one that abused him for years and years on end, that never brought him anything but pain, that would beat him up for the slightest provocation, with the one that meets him at the academy, the one that saved a city, the one that is working relentlessly to save their family from ruin, the one that defends him from bullies and tells him it was never his fault that others harassed him
just. julian getting to express the rage and confusion and conflicted emotions that would come with the person that abused him for years changing completely out of nowhere and turning into the older brother he'd always wanted.
so don't tell me i didn't have it right don't tell me it wasn't black and white after all you put me through don't say it wasn't true that you were not the monster that i knew
#i talk a lot <3#tged#the greatest estate developer#julian frontera#if i think too hard about the fact that julian forgave his abusive older brother because of the actions of a completely different person#and we never got to see the fall out of him realizing the person he forgave never actually made amends with him#and all his feelings of rage and disgust were completely valid and he never had any reason for feeling guilty about hating his brother#because the person that he grew to care for and protected him was a completely different one. i do start going a little feral not gonna lie#i just!! don't like that julian was made to feel like he was in the wrong for feeling like he was the one that had it hardest!!#cause he did!! he fucking did!!!#this kid was abused physically and verbally since childhood by his older brother. basically ran from home the moment he was legally allowed#to and then also got harassed and humiliated by his classmates at school while all the authorities looked the other way#had it not been for suho transmigrating into lloyd's body (which is an external factor and should not be taken into account)#julian would by all means be allowed to say he had it the roughest of the family!!!#but because lloyd meddled (which is. to be fair. not a bad thing) julian was made to feel like he was being whiny#for thinking he had it rough while his older brother worked his ass off to save their family#i know no one cares about this but i do!!! i have so many feelings about julian!! he deserved better!! i needed more content about him!!#we never even got a scene with him being told that the brother he grew to love and want to make proud was not the brother that abused him#what's the point of it all 😭
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I hope what ever asshole cultist invited the stay at home daughter movement a very your dick gets rips into bits and eaten by pigs
#the stay at home daughter movement RUINED MY LIFE#IT RUINED MY CHILDHOOD BECAUSE I WAS FROCED TO BE A HOUSE SLAVE AT AT NINE INSTEAD OF A KID#IT RUINED MY HIGHSCHOOL LIFE AND ALL LIFE PLANNING BECAUSE I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO GET MORE THEN THE BY LAW NEEDED SCHOOLING BECAUSE I WAS#WXPECTED TO BE A HOUSE SLAVE TO MY FAMILY UNTIL THEY PAIRED ME OFF TO A HUSBAND THEN ID BW HIS HOUSE SLAVE AND SEX SLAVE BECAUSE MY JOB IS#CLEAN HOUSE COOK POPULATE THE QUIVERFULL AGENDA AND HAVE 160 KIDS THAT'S KIDS AND NO INTEREST NO HOBBY NO INDIVIDUALITY JUST#CHRISTIAN HOUSE SLAVE OOPS I MEAN WIFE AND MOTHER#IT TOOK AWAY ALL AGENCY I HAD IN MY LIFE BECAUSE MY PLACE WAS CLEANING N COOKING NOT SCHOOL NOT JOB NOT FRIENDS NOT GETTING SMART NOT#GETTING INDEPENDENT IT DRIVES YOU TO RELAY ON A MAN COMPLETELY AND TO SUBMIT COMPLETELY YOU HAVE NO SAY YOU ONLY EXIST FOR WHAT WVER JOB TH#MAN WANTS YOU TO HAVE#I HOPE WHOEVER INTERDUCED THIS TO MY PARENTS CULT GETS EATEN SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY#I'VE NEVER TRIED TO BETTER MYSELF GET MORE SCHOOLING GO FOR A DCENT EDUCATION I'VE BEEN FROCED TO BELIEVE I CAN'T SURVIVE BY MYSELF AND#THEY'RE PROBABLY RIGHT BUT FUCK THEY MADE ME SO STUPID AND.I LET THEM BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT GOD NEEDED#FUCK GOD FUCK RELGIOUS MEN AND FUCK ALL PARENTS WHO PURPOSELY SABOTAGE AND HOLD BACK THEIR CHILDREN FOR THEIR BENEFIT#I'M ANGRY#I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT LIFE I NEED TO FUCKIN GET OUT OF THIS CULTIST HELL I'M TIRED OF LIVING BY THESE STANDARDS AND RULES I WANT A SAY IN MY#LIFE I WANT A LIFE INDEPENDENT FROM GOD AND HIS FOLLOWERS I WANT A SAY IN MY LIFE#I WANT TO BE A PERSON AND NOT PROPERTY OF NO ONE NOT MY FATHER NOT MY MOTHER NOT MY BROTHERS NOT MY HUSBAND NOT GOD FUCK THEM ALLLLLL I WANT#TO BELONG TO ME AND ONLY ME AND I WISH I HAD A WAY OUT THAT I COULD SEE AND ACTUALLY OBTAIN BUT I JUST DON'T#I DON'T HAVE ANY HOPE FOR ANYTHING BECAUSE THE STEPS WILL NEVER BE TAKEN FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER I WILL DIE A DAUGHTER AT HOME I WILL DIE#SERVING THIS CULT AND THEY WILL USE MY CORPSE FOR WHATEVER SERVES THEM ALSO MY NAME WILL BE USED IN WHATEVER WAY PLEASES THEM#I WILL NEVER BE MYSELF I WILL NEVER GET AWAY EVER IT'LL JUST BE IN DAYDREAMS AND WORDS BUT NEVER REALITY
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look I'm sorry, I really am. but if you watch The Husbands of River Song and interpret that as being a definitive picture of what River is like as a person... you're wrong. and you've missed the point.
#*yeets this post at tumblr and then runs away fast before an DiscourseTM can start*#seriously I love THORS with all my heart but y'all canNOT just keep taking everything at face value#and assuming that just because a character claims something as though it's true then it must be true#River says the Doctor doesn't love her and Hydroflax scans her and says it's not a lie and it's not!!! it really isn't a lie!!!#it's not a lie because RIVER believes it in that moment!!!#River is acting out in that story she is trying SO hard to distract herself from the pain and loss she's just experienced#ie Manhattan!! she's just lost both of her parents!! all the family she's ever known!!#and she didn't even get to KNOW them the way a child should know their parents!! her childhood was stolen#and now her parents have been too!!#and given the implication that she and the Doctor have a sort of falling out because of the events of Manhattan#she probably thinks that on some level she's lost him too!!#and that's why it's TWELVE who gets to be there with her in the midst of that adventure#because THIS is a Doctor who she doesn't have to be strong for!!!!!#River almost always had to be the strong one for Eleven#she was the one who had to keep looking at the angel when he broke down she had to break her own hand because he left her to do it#she was always the one pointing him towards the person he must become#she taught him how to love so that he could in turn teach HER!!#but Twelve! Twelve can stand beside her at his full height and look her in the eyes and not back away#he can see her full darkness and her unkindness and when it's over he is still there beside her holding her hand#he is allowed to see the most imperfect and un-River-ish version of River because he is the one who can see it and love her more for it#and I do think THORS is an aspect of River! it's her darker uglier afraid and alone and just desperately trying to distract herself side!!#but it's not like. The Definite River. River As She Truly Is (Without The Doctor There To Perform For).#and I'm slightly tired of seeing that position seemingly taken by a lot of people writing for the character lately#not to gripe about this again but like--a lot of the most recent BF stories featuring River make her feel so shallow??#she's basically just the most flattened version of Captain Jack. but female. and without the immortality angst that makes him so interestin#ok I'm done yelling into the void now sfdkhdfkh#I have kicked at a (small but potentially feisty) hornets' nest and now I am going to sleep sdkjfkjhsdsf#gurt says stuff#river song#doctor who
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oh right i forgot the real reason i stopped listening to broadway clips was that i've got this whole enormous miserable knot in my chest abt having been too socially anxious to do anything with my once-upon-a-time-very-gorgeous voice once i got spat out of the safe little nest of my high school, and like, most of the time i forget that knot even exists, but when i listen to the sort of music i used to be part of making (proper opera but also showtunes) it's like. this whole fast-forward feelings journey thru 'oh right that didn't actually go away, it's still right there in my throat, just calcified' to 'oh okay we tugged the loose end and it's unraveling and actually it was keeping contained a whole rush of tears like aeolus' bag of winds in the odyssey…'
#like i decline 2 actually cry abt it but. sure am on the verge of it lmao. thick sore throat and all#i always forget that when i'm actually happy i sing to myself. it's been a long time since i did that#i mean also a big problem with voice was like. the gender thing#conveniently being a mezzo is ALSO a gender thing which did more work for me than i realized but#was listening to a jeremy jordan medley ft. on the street where you live from my fair lady and had a sudden flashback#to the year i was like 'what if i sang that for our musical theater showcase' and my voice teacher was like. noooo not a Boy Song 4 Girl U!#but i used to sing that to myself all the time. also‚ hilariously‚ the girl that i marry from annie get yr gun#which is just like. literally i still thought i was a straight girl tho. the sheer level of doublethink this required.#what was happening in my brain.#(i mean obviously what was happening in my brain was that like. i knew the limits of acceptability)#(and so i couldn't know anything else abt myself.)#(like i've said this before but i do strongly wonder what else my brain isn't allowing me to know bc i still live with my dad)#(which is like. SO dumb bc honestly i'm not sure there's anything i could do that he'd kick me out/disown me over)#(certainly not anything sexuality or even gender related idt)#(but it's like. i know where the discomfort line is and emotionally i just. can't bear to exile myself out beyond it!)#(even if my doing so might eventually shift the line out to where it embraced me again!)#(sometimes learning yr own deep unacceptability in childhood 4 adhd reasons)#(and also 'yr mother is so depressed nothing you do will ever please her. have fun trying tho!!' reasons)#(makes you just. totally incapable of deliberately rendering yrself less acceptable as an adult even when it would be good for you)#(anyway like. thinking back to the K in old home videos who was like. confident that they were an engaging delight)#(and like. what a charming jeremy jordan of a performer they could have made.)#(if only my whole upbringing hadn't then happened to me and crushed all the unacceptable self-expression out of me.)#anyway. shh don't look at me it's fine! it's all fine. 🫥🫥🫥#formative#feelingsblogging
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People's "get off the internet" advisory would be funny if it weren't sad.
#It was genuinely my only option as a child & I doubt most chronically online children can be reasoned with like that#so idk why people try. My bedroom was like a prison cell; there was Nothing#I wasn't allowed to have Anything#He flipped the fuck out if I had friends#I couldn't play outside#I couldn't even read books past a point because there were too many words and I was too concussed#And I had 0 support for help#Nobody SHOWED me how to spend my time#Many grand ideas about what I Should have been doing#But all the adults in my life were either distant or always online or watching TV#or going out without us so#Seeing people respond to anon children on Tumblr with shit like 'log off go outside and play with your friends'#feels like a gross misunderstanding of how a lot of too-young end up here#It's not random chance! They usually lack options!#I'm well aware my childhood was unusually bad but christ alive...#If you wanna give children advisory they'll actually take why not be fucking realistic about it?#Why tell them to do something they won't do and pat yourself on the back about it as if any would listen?
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man i'll be honest i skipped sonic forces because i didnt like the snippets that i'd heard, but i figured i'd give the story a fair shot so im watching the story on youtube . bro this game SUCKS
like not even in a kinda guilty pleasure way . why did they massacre every single character's personality,, never in my life did i think i would want sonic to shut the fuck up but i heard "it's been GENERATIONS since i've seen you" and i fucking LOST IT. i could write a whole essay on what this game couldve been but people better than me have probably already done so,,,,
#this is not even mentioning the pacing of this story what the hell is happening here#the video im watching leaves in the levels too so its not like im missing anything#the pacing is just so weird#things just keep HAPPENING and nobodys allowed to stop and think or feel anything#i know its probably bc of the goddamn mandates but jesus christ#this game couldve been so good if it were like fifteen hours longer and had no execs pushing it out#it just makes me so sad#im glad sonic is a little bit good again#it hurts me to see my childhood hero be written mediocre#im sorry for too many tags oh lord#crane speaks
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ivan has Immense adhd, and i think a great many problems would have been solved or prevented if he had been given literally anything to hyperfixate on ever that WASN'T bloody combat
#lorien legacies#ivanick shu-ra#this kid is adhd as all get out and had precisely 200% of that channeled directly into murder and nowhere else#it's also why the way adam and the narrative talk about/treat/portray him gets my hackles right the fck up#adam: sneers about him needing to read by running his finger along the words#adam: 'keeps [his] words insultingly slow' to explain something seemingly obvious that ivan missed; and asked a question about#adam: calls him 'slow on the uptake' for this#me: you have always been one of my faves and i love you but holy shit we are three seconds from a bar brawl#and all of that is from /one/ two-page scene#just.... the books try really hard to demonize ivan and make him just Particularly Evil and Bloodthirsty Because He's Just Bad#when like. pretty much /everything/ about his shit is explained by#a) being an orphan in an unstable living situation for a large chunk of his childhood#b) having low empathy and therefore not the shortcut past the indoctrination that adam was lucky enough to have#c) being raised in a controlling abusive military cult as an adhd/autistic kid with Nothing to hyperfixate on/have a special interest in#except All That#literally they are not allowed /games or toys/ and he's not good at paying attention to other channels like engineering/tactics/science#/imagine being an adhd kid and growing up like that/#and d) reacting in messy fcked up ways to the ping pong between his brother and father's radically different types of abuse#and the results are gut-wrenchingly horrible#for the love of god montressor introduce this kid to sports or sit him down to watch avatar or SOMETHING#LL crit tag#ableism cw#abuse cw#dyn: so glad you're awake#lorien legacies tag#the crit files
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i feel like we really don’t talk about how for a period of possibly more than a year, every official windows 10 update from actual real m*crosoft had a catastrophic mistake baked right in that held the possibility of eating your device from the inside out
i don’t mean ‘the SAME catastrophic mistake’ either, i mean new ones each time
#am i remembering an alternate reality or is everyone else on mac or something#there was the one that caused critical failure upon start up#the one that deleted other system files#the one that started deleting personal files kept in either Documents or Pictures?#i think there mightve been two that deleted win10 system files as a 'security update' actually#i just...stopped allowing updates until the backbone of the modern computer era--#--middle aged indian guys on forums with themes that came straight out of 2009--#--would say the new patches had been patched#like every time i got notification of a new update. this was the routine.#g**gle search 'win10 update k43920753279' to find out how bad it was gonna be#shut off updates for 7 days#search again and again every day for news from the front#the owners of compu-elite dot com and microsuxx dot com say the 'deletes ur childhood memories' update has been patched#but the patch has a bug where it raises gas prices for you and only you so theyre still working on that
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