#if i could erase my memories and experience it for the first time in theatres again there is nothing i would love more

[hellebore-petall]

If I could time travel, I would go back to June when I Saw The TV Glow was still in theatres so I could experience that again.

[nickgerlich]

At The Movies

I have many fond memories of going to the local movie theatre when I was a kid. My pals and I would ride our bikes for what seemed an incredible distance (it was only about two miles), lock them up to a street sign, and pay a modest price to enter.

I couldn’t tell you what we saw, but I do know I loved that old theatre. It was like the theatres you could find in nearly every town, even the small ones. They were where people went for entertainment, to see and be seen, to socialize. Marquees and signs were often spectacular, resulting in civic pride.

Sometimes I am amazed to find that towns of only a few thousand supported not just one, but sometimes two or three theatres. Canyon once had two theatres and one drive-in; Tulia—with only about 4500 residents—once had three theatres.

In the century that has elapsed since many of these theatres opened, much has changed. Whereas there was virtually no competition at the time, technology slowly eroded that market position. Radio and television provided people with options, something they could do at home. Later, cable television saw our choices grow exponentially. Stir in VCRs and then DVD players, and suddenly we had less and less reason to venture out to watch a movie.

Concurrent with increased competition among how we entertained ourselves was the push to the suburbs, which saw sprawling cineplexes with as many as 20 screens being built. All of these combined to tap nails into the coffin of the historic theatre. There have been resurrections in some towns in recent years, usually community-based efforts to restore and save what they have. It takes millions of dollars, though, and even if these success stories result in special event venues instead of functioning movie theatres, it’s still good.

I have become very enamored of historic theatres in recent years, this time photo-documenting them on my travels, and writing about them for magazines as well as on my Insta. It’s a great passion, because tracking them down takes me to many dying cities screaming to be photographed in their entirety, not just the theatre.

Today, the competition continues to increase. Streaming services have made it difficult for the suburban megaplexes to survive. Blockbusters are increasingly few and far between. Direct-to-streaming as well as content created by Netflix, et al., give us many reasons to stay home. Besides, even if there is a blockbuster, we know it will be available via streaming soon enough. Oh, and never mind what COVID did to theatres. They have had a hard time recovering.

Were it not for Barbie and Oppenheimer last summer, it would have been a dismal year for theatres. The much-publicized Taylor Swift tour then led to a concert video for fans not able to see her live, and this too was shown in theatres.

Which leads us to the current problem. “Finally!” the students said. ”He wrote more than 500 words just getting to his point!”

Chains like AMC are having to reinvent themselves, or face extinction. AMC plans to show more concert videos, which they assume—I mean hope—will have the same draw as Taylor Swift’s. It’s an idea worth trying, but they must first convince artists to shoot these in the first place.

But which artists would customers be willing to pay good money to watch a concert video? Taylor Swift, yes. But U2? Rolling Stones? Beyonce? There could be a lot of hits and misses alike.

And then there’s AMC’s effort to pad revenues by upping the viewing experience, as well as to merchandise it. Collectible popcorn buckets that fetch $25 and private-label AMC-branded snacks have helped, but still not nearly enough to erase a $182 million loss last year.

Like some restaurants and retailers, AMC is shuttering under-performing locations, while building new ones in areas it thinks have a better chance of surviving. But when one of those behemoth movie houses is closed, there are few ways to repurpose them. Once upon a time, churches might rent one, much like they did with dead malls. Those days are over, though, with church attendance in steep decline.

Unless AMC and their competitors can truly rise from their own ashes, it’s going to be tough going. There are too many other ways for us to watch a movie. I am perfectly content with my streaming. I have only been to one movie since COVID; I had to see what the Barbie thing was all about, if only to be able to discuss it. But before COVID, I only watched one movie in a theatre for several years prior.

Given the choice, I would definitely go see a movie in a vintage restored theatre, though. I would do it not so much for the film, but for the experience. Those old theatres were magical; cineplexes are about as sterile and saccharine as it gets.

Meanwhile, I continue my pursuit of the old, the long gone, the forlorn. Because I can put myself in that motion picture, a movie in my mind that has no price of admission. It’s a good show.

Dr “Fade To Black, Roll Credits” Gerlich

Audio Blog

[rubywithin]

World of Whim 6

(Ruby) “Maria our goal is to return to the real world...even though its tough to leave these...lives!”. She looked very upset, (Maria) “I just wanted to feel loved and even when every one did love me I thought I was lucky to have Percival. But all of that is just a lie, ugh WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DRAG ME INTO THIS”. She ran out of the room, (Kazuya) “WAIT, it’s dangerous out there” we ran after her! As we left the room we were surrounded....seeing everyone looking in human was quite un-settling and what’s even worse Percival looked normal. (Maria) “Was the time we s.s..spent together just a lie?” he looked sad when she asked. (Percival) “No...we are in the same boat two un appreciated people, I guess we both wanted everyone’s affection. The more I think about we seem perfect for one another, its a shame you had to be a traitor!” he generated the lance again. We don’t have the element of surprise this time, (Ruby) “Raining Boomerangs” I tried my best to tap into every bit of emotion I could!

(Kazuya) “Hammer Twister” we were able to take out a lot of the surrounding foes but....I felt some strain. (Percival) “Oh what a shame you are not use to this power yet, personally I have had months of experience. Lance shot” this is bad (Kazuya) “Ruby find an opening...UUUUUGH” darn it Kazuya blocked with his hammer but he still went flying! (Percival) “Why give up this wonderful paradise just to go back to that awful real world? Here you can be praised, talented, handsome and happy, Lance Piercer!”. (Maria) “The two of them are stronger than you Percival!” (Percival) “Is that some kind of joke hahahahha” (Maria) “No, they are fighting to return to their true lives, they are willing to face the world that is against them. I loved you....but now I see how ugly you are looking down on others dreams. I won’t do the same....I won’t let fake affection be my security, I WILL FIND WORTH IN MYSELF”. 

(Noah) “Looks like its time for you to GOOOO LIIIIIVE kid” (Percival) “Hmm so that is the one giving these pests power”. With Maria’s help we might actually stand a chance against him...but what if she hesitates to fight Percival? Please Maria...(Ruby) “Help us please” she gave me a nod, “Twin-rang” (Kazuya) “I got your back Ruby, Hammer Twister!”. He dodged both attacks with a jump ugh this guy really has mastered these powers, (Maria) “Mid-Air Slash”. Th...that’s some incredible speed, (Percival) “UUUGH...so you really have betrayed me Maria! Then I will have to get rid of you as well, HYAH” (Ruby) “Back off” I threw the boomerang at him and actually hit him. (Percival) “Guess you want to die first then...” he charged at me. (Kazuya) “I will hold him back” Kazuya was able to block him with the hammer....he was being over powered though.

(Maria) “Ruby let’s hit him with a cross strike” (Ruby) “Got ya” we both attacked him from behind. (Percival) “Damn it...” (Kazuya) “Let’s see how you handle an upper cut” -crash-. Geez that was brutal...the three of us fell too out knees though....this is our first proper fight here! (Percival) “If...if only I hadn’t been caught of guard so many times...hehehehe...all of this is in vain. Cause when I tell the other Musicians who you three are you will never escape HAHAHA”. (Naoh) “I need you three too concentrate on your true feelings as much as possible”. We did not bother to question him and focused the best we could, Naoh was glowing! “Memory Erase”. Suddenly Percival fell over...I wanted to see if he was okay “Run away you guys I will explain things later!” we rushed out of the theatre.

[nincompoopydoo]

PAIRING, BAGELS, REPEAT

— PALM TO PALM IS HOLY PALMER’S KISS ; PART 3 / ?

PAIRING: Bruce Wayne x reader

WORD COUNT: 1846

SUMMARY: You’re back to teaching at Gotham High and you end up overlooking rehearsals for the GHS drama club’s upcoming annual play: Romeo and Juliet that no one ever attends. In the spirit of keeping your students’ hopes up, you decide to take it upon yourself to draft out a plan to drive more people to come to the play. The key is the man you’re in love with.

WARNINGS: Vague description of a nightmare, death and an annoying teenager.

A/N: This is really going slowly like a true slow burn. I hope yall like this one. Enjoy!

MASTERLIST ; MASTERPOST

In the light of your unemployment as a teacher, Gotham High miraculously offered your old job back after Mrs Wilson, one of the senior English Literature teachers, died of a heart attack unannounced. In all seriousness, apologies were made, admitting they had a mistake with firing you because well, you were clearly a passionate teacher. To your surprise, you were told your students even missed you. Hence, you accepted a job from GHS once again because you would do anything to avoid the smell of burgers and the sounds of hungry crying children. After the whole burglary incident, the Big Belly Burger at midtown was forever doomed as customers gradually decreased over time. It was Gotham after all, people should be used to these kinds of things by now. Including witnessing Batman saving you, the whole experience felt like a fever dream. As excited you were and weirdly unbothered by the whole near-death experience, you realized that if you were to talk about it, no one would genuinely believe you anyway. He was a myth to most citizens of Gotham, but you’re an exception because you’re well acquainted with the knowledge that Bruce definitely knows Batman.

And oh boy, do they talk.

It’s your secret to keep and so is the Batarang you stole. You’re also dying to tell Bruce.

So, you find yourself back in the hallways, crowded with sweaty teenagers, but you would choose this over anything else in a heartbeat. Apart from returning to teaching uninterested students about the works of Shakespeare and Harper Lee and forcing reading lists onto them, you are also replacing Mrs Wilson as the GHS Drama Club’s advisor. Stage performance may be personally foreign to you but plays were practically your forte. That was how you ended up spending your Tuesday afternoons, preparing the members for the club’s annual play. This time, they decided to perform the classic: Romeo and Juliet.

As an English teacher, you were frankly sick of the play, forbidden love was a tad overrated to you. Yet the kids were genuinely trying their best. Shaniqua and Oscar were currently rehearsing their lines as the two infamous star-crossed lovers; You watched them with pride. The two were quiet in your classes but they truly shone on the stage of the school theatre.

“And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss—teach, what does this whole scene even mean?” Shaniqua exclaims and you chuckle, “This scene is simply a metaphor where Romeo is a pilgrim wanting to erase his sins and Juliet is a saint. So, he is basically trying to convince her to kiss him so that he can truly be free of sin,” your explanation echoes through the room, and you notice Oscar turning red when you mention the word ‘kiss’. It was clear as day that the poor boy really liked the girl he’s currently hand in hand with but you don’t want him to feel nervous and uncomfortable about the thought of kissing her. “Now Oscar, you can kiss her on the cheek and that’s fine. Shaniqua, say it with more emotion, okay? Everyone got it?” The response you received was a sputter of hums and nods. Before you could continue, Josh, who plays Lord Capulet and is sitting lazily on the handmade throne, speaks up much to your dismay, “Why is it so important that we put so much effort into this. It’s not like anyone is going to come.” The kids around him began agreeing with his statement, and it was honestly completely expected of him but it was the truth. No one attends the drama club’s annual play. As you're trying to calm everyone down, your phone buzzes on the table in front of you. It’s a text from Bruce, asking if you could come over tonight, phrasing it like he’s a schoolboy sneaking from his parents to meet with a girl late at night. Then, like an epiphany you have an idea although there’s an eighty percent chance it wouldn’t go through. Nevertheless, you turn to the rest of the students with a hint of a smile on your lips. “I might have just the idea to solve that.”

-

A brief span seemed like an eternity when sleep doesn’t come easy to you. Tonight was a different case; thoughts were completely clear and concise. In much need of sleep, you steal the chance to savour in this clarity and serenity for as long as you could. To feel his warmth, arm gently resting on your abdomen and the occasional whiff of his deodorant from his ebony shirt you’re dressed in. If this was what bliss feels like, you never want it to go away. Your eyes grow heavy, flickering into darkness due to exhaustion from a long day of rehearsals. At once, you’re struck with the reminder of the idea you had this afternoon. It is more of a favour, involving none other than Bruce. There’s a tinge of guilt whenever favours are involved because you never liked asking for help. You were furiously independent and responsible, relying on others was out of the question. Yet, Bruce has always seemed to find a way to weave himself in your mistakes and problems, constantly there to help out. You have to remind yourself this isn’t about you. It’s for the kids. Special guest, Bruce Wayne, playboy and billionaire. Sounds awesome.

As your consciousness begins ebbing away, you feel Bruce shift from beside you, grasp tightening upon your waist. Before your dazed mind could even fully process that he was in the midst of a nightmare, his eyes are wide open, heart-pounding and it seizes him up instantly. With deep breaths, he closed his eyes once more, unable to shake the feeling of dread that rattles in him. Then, a sudden cold touch to his arm—he jumps and snaps his head to look over his shoulder.

It’s you, still laid in bed with a prominent frown upon your brows. Your hand squeezes his forearm and all he feels is instant relief. His heart still pounds, not in fear but with affection. “Are you okay?” you drawled as you watch his lingering hand, fingers weaved between the strands of hair. The silver ones glint under the low light, contrasting the deep brown ones. You notice how his hair had grown along with his five o’clock shadow becomes more evident by the days. His face away from you, finally nodding in response to your question. “Yeah, just... a bad dream. His voice is subdued as he shifts under the sheets, head leaning against the headboard. Despite your weakened state, you bring yourself to sit up, twisting your body to face him properly. "You wanna talk about it?” you say, patting his shoulder lightly in a comforting manner. You watch him rub his eyes, exhale tightly and shake his head. “No. Anything but that.”

His response comes out almost harsh but Bruce doesn’t mean for it to be perceived in that way. His dream was the usual, the normal ones he’s used to by now but in times of stress overwork, they have started to become more intense and violent. This time it involved you, for the first time, and he watched you vividly get shot in the forehead—trails of his memory as Batman when he encountered you at the burger restaurant with the muzzle of a gun inches away from you. It haunts him to think that if the circumstances were different if you hadn’t texted him those dreaded four words, you might be dead.

He certainly is not telling you about the dream. Never in a million years.

Bruce turns to you and you’re still staring at him, worry carved deep in your furrowed brows. Change of topic was merely necessary at this point. “So, how has school been? The kids still mean to you?” Classic Bruce, always sweeping his problems under the antique Persian rug. You don’t blame him because you wouldn’t know better.

It was your turn to sigh at the mention of school but since tonight’s pillow talk is heading towards your job as an English teacher at GHS, you might as well use the opportunity to pitch in your plan. “Still mean, but the drama club kids are really great,” You thumb the edge of the blanket, unable to hide your growing smile. “Speaking of which, the annual play is next Friday and they have been rehearsing all week but,” you paused as you watched his right brow gradually lift. “No one comes for it. Like, no one and I hate to see all their efforts just thrown out the window like that—”

“So, you want me to go for it.”

You blinked, wondering if your explanations were too obvious of its underlying intent or Bruce could just read you like an open book. You won’t be surprised if it’s the latter.

“If it’s no biggie. You don’t have to because I know you’re very busy but I don’t want the special guest to end up being the Big Belly Burger mascot.” Your smile widens and Bruce chuckles. Hell, it’s probably past midnight and you’re still able to find ways to be terribly funny. Literally terrible. After a beat of silence, he clears his throat. “I’ll clear my schedule.” It didn’t need much anticipation or thought because despite everything going on in his life, he knows he’ll do just about anything for you. You’re practically beaming at him and he finally sees it’s all worth it in the end. “Thank you, Bruce.” Your voice is sweet, and it makes his heart swell ever so slightly.

He sometimes wishes the two of you weren’t trapped in this loophole of unsaid confessions and hidden strong emotions for the other.

It almost comes naturally when he leans to you and presses a swift kiss to your forehead. Instead, it’s contradicting everything the two of you consider normal. He isn’t thinking straight and now your smile has disappeared, mouth agape and eyes very wide. Your brain stops.

Uh, what the hell just happened?

It hits him like a punch to the gut and the growing awkward silence is deafening. Yet, he doesn’t apologise because if he does, it doesn’t mean anything when in reality, it means so much more than just an accidental gesture. You don’t mention anything because you don’t objectify his actions. Kissing Bruce was fine when there are no strings attached but a peck to the forehead is way too affectionate for the man.

Before the both of you begin to overthink the events of a few moments ago, Bruce’s rational conscience kicks in and he clears his throat. “Get some sleep. You had a long day today.” He pats you on the shoulder awkwardly and you hum, shifting your head to lay back on the pillow. “Yesterday.” you correct him as it’s well past midnight. He chuckles, now laying flat on his back as he stares at the ceiling. Silently, the two of you agree to forget whatever happened a minute ago and to just...sleep it off.

TAGLIST:

@raineeace

[villainess-apologist]

here are my thoughts on my second watch of wandavision episode six!

a halloween special in february! I’m wondering about the timeline of wanda’s reality because I think the very first episode took place in august, according to a calender where vision works. maybe wanda jumped to a holiday to take vision’s mind off the cracks beginning to show? 

I LOVE THE MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE THEME SONG?? especially agnes’ part oh my god I love her <3 but the lyrics are very creepy, honestly, and they really fit the situation everyone finds themselves in

the set is basically taken from malcolm in the middle as well, and the kids talk to the camera just like malcolm did ahH I love this 

I don’t. trust this pietro. he and wanda have different memories and. he just feels off to me? 

wanda’s original costume! she looks so beautiful! vision’s costume! ,, he does look like a traffic light-

oh the tension between wanda and vision makes a reappearance! I wonder if in between episodes, they came to an uneasy agreement? or if pietro’s reappearance was enough of a distraction? 

the fandom is divided on many things, I know that, but we can all come together over our collective hatred of hayward <3

but seriously, hayward is definitely antagonizing wanda and painting her out to be the bad guy. he was experimenting on vision, and possibly on wanda, and now maybe he wants to erase all evidence of that? 

I just think the Chaos Trio is amazing in everything they do

pietro knows way too much about what’s going on, and he’s not afraid to break character or casually reference things he shouldn’t know about,, I’m suspicious

herb is relatively self-aware and breaks character for a second to ask wanda if she needs anything changed. he asks the question really delicately like he doesn’t want to make her upset or scare her, but he doesn’t really look that nervous or frightened 

people are glitching the farther away they are from the center of town, and the poor woman repeating the motion of hanging up the ghost is crying silently. the townspeople are aware of what’s going on, but most of them can’t break character

THIS FREAKING COMMERICAL? it’s highkey TERRIFYING? can someone please help me understand what part of wanda’s life it is referencing? actually. I’m not sure I want to know it freaks me out so much-

hehe “the incredibles” and “the parent trap” are playing in the movie theatre, but the former came out in the 2000s so wanda’s reality is definitely not as detailed as before. but both movies reflect the situation in her reality, so that’s so cool!

the edge of town near the border gives me horror movie vibes 

ahh,, the agnes scene,,, I have so much to say about this

there is no laugh track anymore, which makes sense because those started to die out in the 90s, but the moments where the laugh track cut out in earlier episodes really made the situation very unsettling. don’t worry though! the agnes scene managed to be just as unsettling and freaked me out even without the added unease of the missing laugh track-

can someone please give kathryn hahn some kind of award for that scene?? the way she plays an emotionless, blank character, and then a tragically hopeful character turned into a frantic and hopeless one, and then snaps back into her cheerful neighbor character in the sAME SCENE?? PLEASE I GOT CHILLS

I do wish she had tossed in a random diss toward ralph when she was driving away, but alas,

it’s never a good idea for a trio to split up 

pietro scares me

poor wanda definitely needs therapy 

I feel so bad for vision; he just wants to escape and get help for the townspeople but his wife is using her fictional reality as a form of therapy :/

pietro crossed the line (it was only a matter of time) 

wanda’s display of power at the end of the episode is insane- how does she have this amount of power? how many people were taken into her reality? how far could the boundary of her reality spread? could she maybe turn the entire world into her ideal fantasy? 

final thoughts: 

:) what

I’m going to have to make a separate post on my thoughts on agnes’ scene I think (within the next day or two) 

[bitter-sweet-coffee]

Henlo! I'm curious what your fave Sonic character(s) is ^^ and do you have any headcanons for them?

oh boy! okay i'm going to do my best to answer this but i have been in this fandom forever and could write a dissertation on just like,,, one character. so instead i'll sparknote some cute things about my top 4 and if you want to hear a more elaborate response i can do separate posts for each of them! it was hard enough to pick a couple characters since i love them all 😊

1) espio the chameleon

i love this little purple man so much oh my god. for starters, i'd like to think he isn't as serious as a lot of people make him out to be. yeah he seems chill but let's be real, he's arrogant and i love every second of it! he definitely radiates hot topic vibes but we're talking ronnie radke, hollywood undead vibes. definitely an e-boy but not in the fake alt way, he just radiates soft-grunge vibes? he's bisexual with a male lean and definitely dated mighty at some point, but i personally ship him with wave (more on that in a second!) his best friend is silver (i ship them too tbh) but his friends are rouge and shadow for the most part. he's the character closest to shadow (personality wise, not emotional proximity) and i adore their interactions in shadow's game so i sorta ship them too...? ahhh this is supposed to be about headcanons! anyways, i think he's fun to be around and has a thing for people with good stories to tell: wave about the past, silver about the future, and rouge/shadow with the present as agents. i think the cooperation between the chaotix detective agency and GUN is something people should write more often! oh, and he likes green tea boba ✨

2) wave the swallow

god, she made me realize i like girls and i still absolutely adore her. it was taken down but at one point years ago, her birthday was listed as november 11th which makes her a scorpio, and as a fellow scorpio i stand by it! she's also definitely bi but with a female lean, and her best friend/occasional partner is rouge. they remind me of maddy and cassie from euphoria, but wave isn't as bitter as maddy ofc. i feel like people forget that storm and jet are pretty damn incompetent without her, she literally does everything for them and that's a big nod to her people pleasing. yeah she's arrogant, but she's not wrong in being self absorbed because she keeps things running! she radiates hayley kiyoko, p!nk, 100gecs, and paramore vibes. she's a baddie but a softie! i think her and espio would be amazing together (even platonically) because he loves learning and debates, and she has a lot to say and needs someone to respond, as opposed to zoning out. i feel like she could be a famous rollerskater on tiktok or something, and would have her own line of custom gear! she might be cold and competitive, but she's really sweet and just has no way of expressing it... poor girl. i think her and sonic could be amazing friends, and i'd love to see more art of them being pals and going on adventures together!

3. shadow the hedgehog

hehehehehe oh boy, as the current love interest of my fixation character, shadow is getting more attention than usual these days! i always liked him but my fave boy and girl were espio and wave for the longest time, so finally getting to fixate on shadow is great for me! shadow is neurodivergent, basically in canon. his memory issues are both trauma related and just a part of his programming. something that i admire about espio and shadow being friends is that the former loves authority and doesn't need it, but the latter despises it but needs it. shadow was created to obey, and so even if GUN wrongs him a thousand times, he needs them. it's why he keeps going back to eggman, and helps sonic when asked. shadow might not admit it, but he has a saviour complex! although i agree that with modern music he'd listen to like mcr and pierce the veil etc, i think he'd also resonate with sex pistols and other music from the decades he missed while in stasis (footloose is probably one of his fave movies just because of the killer soundtrack!) he loves flowers and does his best to take care of plants, has nervous tics, and the reason his quills turn upwards is because of all the chaos energy he has! super sonic's quills turn up when transformed, and shadow is constantly tapped into that energy: even with inhibitors it's a lot to manage. shadow also loves reading, and i think his favourite book would be The Wars by Timothy Findley (amazing read, please check it out because it reminds me so much of Shadow oh my god)

4. INFINITE!!!

okay i have to keep this one short but he is currently my favourite character, and i could talk about him forever. i know SEGA claims his real name is Infinite, but i headcanon that in the village he came from he wasn't given a name because he was considered a burden and a curse (due to his heterochromia and other reasons). for me he was called araperi or ara (nothing/no in Georgian) because they only referred to him via negative reinforcement. the scar on his eye is because either he or another jackal tried to claw it out when he was little because it made him an outcast and he wanted to belong. he only started school when he was in highschool and never really learned how to read english (i base a lot of his village lore around Georgia and my experiences with Georgian culture- even though my culture was erased when i got adopted lol). he only learned english through musical theatre, and is fluent but not very literate in english (can't read or write very well). he radiates younger sibling vibes so i headcanon that he has 4 older sisters who all treated him pretty bad on varying levels. after a year or two of highschool he ran away with some friends and after meeting more nomads, squad jackal was eventually formed! infinite (or finn as i sometimes call him) was definitely into theatre (his favourite musical being sweeney todd) and he's an AMAZING singer, acting too (which is sorta canon because he adopted shadow's personality and fighting style after their first encounter and rehearsed a whole monologue lmao). his singing voice sounds like clem turner's but with a bit more rasp, probably because i feel like he'd listen to bring me the horizon and kim dracula! infinite is actually a big puppy once he likes you, he's just secretly awkward and insecure as hell (maybe the last part isn't a secret, haha)

wow, this was longer than expected and i feel like i hardly said anything, but this is sorta where i'm at with these four! i could talk about them forever though, so feel free to ask follow ups or request a full post for them, any ships i mentioned (or didn't) or if you want a post about anyone else!

[new-sandrafilter]

Timothée Chalamet and Eileen Atkins Interview - British Vogue May 2020

“Maybe your knuckles weren’t bleeding, but there was ice,” Timothée Chalamet tells Dame Eileen Atkins. He is recounting, with no small amount of awe, how he first came to hear of the legendary 85-year-old actor with whom he is about to appear at The Old Vic. It transpires that Oscar Isaac, Chalamet’s co-star in the upcoming blockbuster Dune, was at the receiving end of Atkins’ fist in Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood (all in the name of acting, of course). Chalamet was duly impressed.

“I gave him the worst time of his life,” says Atkins, bristling at the memory, before merrily launching into several candid, very dame-like stories from her time on set – “That was a nightmare movie. A nightmare.”

It is a Saturday afternoon in late February, and the two actors – one a titan of British theatre with an eight-decade career; the other, Hollywood’s most in-demand young leading man, with an insatiable Instagram following – have just finished being photographed together for Vogue. Chalamet, 24, in louche, low-slung denim and a white T-shirt, has folded his Bambi limbs into a chair next to Atkins, whose hawkish frame, in a navy jumper and jeans, belies her 85 years.

“Do you like being called Tim or Timothée or what?” Atkins asks in her warm but brisk RP, all trace of her Tottenham upbringing erased.

“Whatever works,” he replies in a bright American accent, that shock of chestnut hair falling into his eyes. “Anything.”

“So you won’t object to ‘darling’? I call everyone darling. I’m told I mustn’t say it these days.” He assures her he is fine with it: “It’s a rite of passage, being called darling by Dame Eileen Atkins.”

“You always, always, have to put the dame in, otherwise you can’t address me,” she jokes.

It’s good the two are getting all this sorted now. A couple of days after our interview they will begin rehearsals for a seven-week run of Amy Herzog’s play 4000 Miles, in which they star as a grandmother and grandson, each quietly dealing with their own grief. Chalamet takes on the role of Leo Joseph-Connell, a somewhat lost 21-year-old who experiences a tragedy while on a 4,000-mile-long cycle ride with his best friend. Atkins plays Vera Joseph, his widowed 91-year-old grandmother, upon whose Manhattan doorstep Leo unexpectedly arrives in the middle of the night, unsure of where else to go. What follows is a wonderful, and wonderfully witty, study in human relationships, a portrait of two generations with decades between them trying to make sense of the world.

Its stars, who’ve met twice previously, in New York last year, are still very much getting to know each other – and are confident in the appeal. “There are things like this play – hoping I don’t butcher it – where you can just sit back and go, ‘Oh, this is a delicious meal,’” says Chalamet. Atkins agrees. “I have a phrase in mind that I shouldn’t really say because it’s going to sound terrible in print.” Which is? “I find it a dear little play, a really dear little play. I think it should be very moving. But who knows? We might f**k it up.”

It’s unlikely. Atkins has been a regular on The Old Vic’s stage since the 1960s, going toe-to-toe with greats from Laurence Olivier to Alec Guinness, and fellow dames (and close friends) Maggie Smith and Judi Dench. Chalamet, meanwhile, is a relative novice, with only two professional plays under his belt. But since his turn as Elio in 2017’s Call Me by Your Name (for which he was Oscar-nominated), his celluloid rise has been meteoric. Roles in Lady Bird, Little Women, The King and Wes Anderson’s upcoming The French Dispatch have not only earned him the slightly fraught badge of “heart-throb”, but proved him to be among the most captivating actors of his generation.

He says he couldn’t resist the opportunity to come to the capital. “There was something exciting about doing a play that feels very New York in London,” Chalamet explains of taking on the part. He’s a diehard theatre fan, too, revealing he saw the six-and-a-half-hour epic The Inheritance – twice. “There are films like The Dark Knight or Punch-Drunk Love or Parasite that can give you a special feeling. But nothing will be like seeing Death of a Salesman on Broadway with Philip Seymour Hoffman or A Raisin in the Sun with Denzel Washington.”

Herzog’s writing particularly spoke to him. “Leo’s in a stasis that was very appealing to me,” he continues. “We find our crisis in moments of stasis, but there’s an irony to it when you’re young, because the law of the land would have you think that to be young is to be having fun, to be coming into your own. But as everyone at this age who’s going through it knows, it’s often a shitshow.”

It’s safe to say that, in casting terms, director Matthew Warchus, also artistic director of The Old Vic, has hit the jackpot. He first took the play to Atkins three years ago, but it was only towards the end of 2019 that Chalamet came on board. When it was announced, in December, that Hollywood’s heir apparent to Leonardo DiCaprio would be making his London stage debut, the news was met with a level of hysteria not usually associated with the 202-year-old theatre’s crowd.

“Oh, my friends have told me who the audience is,” Atkins chimes in when I ask who they think will be coming to see the show. “It’s 40 per cent girls who want to go to bed with Timothée, it’s 40 per cent men who want to go to bed with Timothée, and it’s 20 per cent my old faithfuls.” Is Chalamet prepared for the onslaught? “I think it will be 100 per cent Eileen’s faithfuls,” he demurs.

On the surface, they can seem quite the odd couple. Chalamet, raised in Manhattan by an American dancer-turned-realtor mother and French father, an in-house editor at the United Nations, may be living a breathless, nomadic movie-star life but there’s an iron core of Gen Z earnestness there. He arrives on set with minimal fuss, even deciding to wear the clothes he came in for one shot, before knocking out some push-ups, politely ordering an omelette and generally being divinely well-mannered.

He turns on the star power for the camera, though, and I can confirm it’s as dazzling up close as it is on the red carpet, where he has, famously, casually redrawn the rules for male dressing. From that Louis Vuitton sparkly bib at the 2018 Golden Globes, to a dove-grey satin Haider Ackermann tux at Venice last year, he’s a true fashion darling. Then, of course, there’s his dating life – from Lourdes Ciccone Leon to Lily-Rose Depp – that remains an endless source of fascination to millions worldwide. (All this, it must be said, is of significantly less interest to Dame Eileen.)

Atkins started dance lessons aged three, shortly before the start of the Second World War. By 12, she was performing professionally in pantomime, not far from where she grew up in north London, the youngest daughter in a working-class family. A fast-established theatre star, wider fame didn’t find her until late in life. Despite memorable turns in Upstairs, Downstairs and Gosford Park, it was the 2000 television hits Cranford and Doc Martin, when she was in her early seventies, that finally made her a household name. Today, she lives alone in west London, since her second husband, the TV and film producer Bill Shepherd, died in 2016. She has often spoken of being happily childless, and has zero time for razzmatazz.

And yet, despite their differences, the pair appear perfectly matched. They already have their grandmother-grandson dynamic down pat. Atkins does a fine line in mischievous eyebrow-raising, and at one point recites a limerick that is, honestly, so rude it almost makes her co-star blush. Chalamet, meanwhile, is politeness personified, still trying to work out his thoughts on various subjects, less inclined to give so much of himself away. There is a physical likeness, too, in their delicate features and fine bone structure. They share a naturally melancholic look, one that melts away when they laugh.

Their upcoming play, which premiered to rapturous reviews Off-Broadway in 2011, “about a block” from Chalamet’s high school, LaGuardia, could have been written for them. “Other than not being American, I’m very like the old woman,” says Atkins of the Pulitzer-shortlisted play. “I can’t be bothered to learn the internet.” If there’s one thing she won’t tolerate in rehearsals, it’s people on their phones. That’s the only thing that will “piss me off ”, she says, brusquely.

Ah, phones. Are they really the symbol of generational disconnect? “It’s easy to point to these things,” Chalamet says, tapping his phone on the table, “as the cause or the symptom, but I think my generation is a guinea pig generation of sorts. We’re figuring out the pros and cons and limits of technology.”

Equally, Atkins is keen to distance herself from some of the criticism levelled at her age group. “There’s a saying isn’t there: if you’re not very left wing when you’re young, you’re heartless. And if you’re not very right wing when you’re old, you’re foolish. I’m not political, but I’m not with this government I can assure you – and I’m not with Brexit. I wanted to wear a sweater saying ‘I did not vote Brexit’, because it was all old people who did. Not me, not me,” she snaps. “I went on the march.”

Both are in agreement that intergenerational friendships are too rare these days. “So. Important,” Chalamet says, hitting the table between each word. “There is so much to learn from people who have walked the path of life. That’s why I’m so looking forward to these next couple of months.”

Atkins is thoughtful on the matter. “I don’t miss the fact I don’t have children, but I do envy my friends who have grandchildren,” she says. “About five or six years ago I met a couple of young people – they are just about 30 this year – and, do you know, we go out together. And people immediately say to me, ‘Are these your grandchildren?’ And I say, ‘No.’ And they say, ‘Your godchildren?’ And I say, ‘No, they’re just friends.’ Everybody thinks there is something weird about all three of us. They just don’t get it. But the boy makes me laugh more than anybody and the girl is enchanting. I have more fun with them than I do with almost anybody else.”

I remind Atkins about her description of today’s youth as being overly serious. “I do call them the New Puritans, yes,” she says, before motioning to her young co-star. “He probably drinks like a fish.”

Chalamet, currently single, is remaining tight-lipped about plans for his new London life, and how many late-night manoeuvres in Soho or Peckham it may involve. “I’ve got friends here, which is nice. But I’m here for this – to be terrified at The Old Vic.”

Before we leave, there is a final thing to clear up – Atkins’ aforementioned limerick. “Do you know about the Colin Farrell situation?” Eileen asks Timothée. No, comes his reply. “Better get it over with now because someone will tell you,” she says, proceeding to explain how, when she was “69, about to be 70” and filming Ask the Dust with a 27-year-old Farrell, “he made a pass at me. He came to my hotel room. He was enchanting. I let him chat for two hours, thoroughly enjoying it, but no not that. He was very cross I didn’t.”

But then, she explains guiltily, she later told the story during “some stupid TV show” (Loose Women), where despite her best efforts at keeping Farrell’s identity secret, the internet did its thing and news got out. An apology to Farrell was required. “So I left a limerick on Colin’s phone…” she says. She clears her throat: “There once was a **** of a dame…” she begins, in her imitable theatrical timbre, before reeling off one of the filthiest rhymes I’ve ever heard.

There is a moment of stunned laughter. “Wow, that’s sincerely amazing,” comes Chalamet’s response, as Atkins finishes the verse. He gives her a solemn oath: “I promise I won’t hit on you.”

4000 Miles is at The Old Vic, SE1, from 6 April

[thatiranianphantom]

Riverdale, Buffy, and the Musical Episode, an analysis.

Hey all! I have spent far too long writing out my thoughts on Riverdale vs. Buffy’s musical episode, from the perspective of a theatre nerd. Thoughts are welcomed!

To those who aren’t aware, I, your humble author, am a massive musical nerd. I have ALL the musical memorabilia, Broadway and the West End are places I’ve visited many times, my favorite genre of music by far is musical theatre, and I am just a musical nerd in all senses of the word. 

Which leads to a...perhaps more sharp criticism when a medium like TV attempts to dive into the world of musical theatre.

(Also, full disclosure, while I enjoy the music of Carrie, Heathers, and certainly Buffy’s musical episode, the music of Hedwig just...don’t work for me. It’s not bad music, it’s not a bad show, it’s just not my thing.) 

In this short analysis, I’m going to attempt to explain why Riverdale’s musical episodes fail, and why it IS possible to successfully mount a great musical episode on TV, by way of example, Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s episode “Once More, With Feeling”. 

First, a short recap of both shows’ musical episodes. 

Currently, Riverdale has three musical episodes. These are all jukebox shows (performing pre-written and pre-performed songs), based on three popular musicals. They first did Carrie the Musical, then Heathers, then Hedwig and the Angry Inch. As to this point, all of them have occurred in a diegetic setting - that is, the characters were aware that the songs were being performed. Carrie and Heathers were explained as being the school musical of the year, and Hedwig was ostensibly performed to prove a point, and to support a student struggling with his own identity. 

Buffy’s one musical episode was in season six, arguably one of the darkest seasons Buffy ever had. It is also a diegetic musical, but not a jukebox musical. It features original songs, written by show creator Joss Whedon. The songs are given explanations and each one is written specifically to fit a character.

To sum it very basically, Buffy’s musical episode is much, much better. It is the first episode I would recommend if you were ever in the market for a musical episode, and it takes itself very seriously, while occurring in a very unrealistic setting. 

At the point Carrie occurs in Riverdale, the characters are dealing with a serial killer known as the Black Hood, who ends up murdering their friend and cast member by the end of the musical, on stage. Of the three musical episodes, you could make a pretty strong argument that the first two musicals tie themselves into the plot best. The role of Carrie’s mother is given to Alice Cooper, because she is also struggling with family issues. Purportedly, the song “Unsuspecting Hearts” is used to make up between two characters, as is “You Shine”. 

Buffy’s musical episode occurs at a time where the characters are all struggling with big secrets that they don’t feel able to tell. It’s driving a wedge between all of them, and there’s a large undercurrent of tension. Buffy can’t tell her friends about the depression she’s struggling with, Willow is becoming dangerously addicted to magic, which has caused her to cast two spells, erasing a memory of a fight from her girlfriend Tara’s mind. Spike is in love with Buffy, but is very much wrestling with what that means. Giles has made plans to leave, because he feels like he is hindering Buffy’s growth. Anya and Xander are having serious doubts about their upcoming marriage. The tension created by all these boils under the surface, but nobody plans to say anything. 

The catalyst for this episode occurs in the form of an unnamed demon, who is accidentally summoned and whose primary power is to make people sing and dance - until they can’t stop, and they burn up. It adds a note of risk to the episode. They are being forced into this, and the stakes are high if they don’t comply. 

And so, one by one, all the characters are forced to express their deepest secrets through song, and the demon leaves them to deal with the fallout. It did what Riverdale, fundamentally, has never managed to do: the songs force the plotline foreward. 

That would have been impossible without the songs. The characters are unwilling to open up to each other, and they feel unable to express themselves, until the demon literally musically forces them to do so. At the end of the episode, their biggest secret, the secret that will inform the rest of the season, is revealed: Buffy’s friends didn’t pull her out of Hell, they pulled her out of heaven, where she was at peace, and now the world around her is bright and violent and she is miserable. That revelation will literally carry us to the season finale. 

Riverdale’s musical episodes are, in a way, explained as above. High schools do musicals. It happens. But all of our main cast, and all in the lead roles? Not likely. And that explanation is made even thinner in the latest musical episode, where characters burst into song at random, like Betty and Jughead’s fight in the bunker, or Kevin and the girls breaking into “Wig in a Box” during a sleepover. 

The issue becomes very contrasting between the two musicals: Buffy builds their world around the songs. The songs are crucial to the plot. The episode wouldn’t work if these specific songs were not given to these specific characters. 

Riverdale, however, bases the songs around the plot, and the result is a very odd episode with songs shoehorned in. They aren’t necessary, they’re just...there. Buffy crafts a plot around the songs. Tara finds the flower Willow used in a previous episode to wipe her mind of a fight, and we can see the song naturally build off that. Tara sings Under Your Spell, which is meaningful because she is quite literally under Willow’s spell. Toni is shoehorned into the Heathers musical to be a choreographer, despite there being no previous indication of any experience with choreography, because they need to get her into the room to sing Candy Store, because Heathers features this song, which means they have to. 

The Riverdale musicals take none of the plot of their source materials, which strips the very songs they struggle to add in of all their context and meaning. For example, Hedwig is a show which features a domestic violence plotline as one of its main arcs. Hedwig herself is a pretty terrible person. You would never know that from watching the episode. Heathers’ entire premise talks about how it’s very easy to influence someone into cruelty to the very people who were kind to them, and how quickly a lie can spiral out of control. None of that features in the Heathers Riverdale episode. These songs are powerful because of the context that surrounds them, and that is just...gone. Hedwig’s final song (Midnight Radio) exists in universe as a song where Hedwig finds emotional catharsis and hands her stage off to someone else. It’s exceptionally meaningful, because the whole musical has been a journey to this point. None of that poignancy is able to be translated to Riverdale. 

In contrast, Buffy’s final song (Where Do We Go From Here) feels very earned because it feels like the end of a journey for the characters. All their secrets are exposed, and you can feel the ramifications that will last for a long time after this. And that’s not even mentioning Buffy’s solo Something To Sing About, where she is literally begging for something to make her feel more alive. This only works if Buffy is singing it. The song is designed around her, and it is where she admits her biggest secret. The song is necessary, it is crucial. NONE of the songs in the Riverdale musical episodes have this same power. 

(ALSO, RE: RIVERDALE HEATHERS,  J.D. IS ONE OF HEATHERS MAIN CHARACTERS, I WAS SO EXCITED TO HAVE SWEET PEA PLAYING HIM, AND NONE OF J.D.’S SONGS WERE GIVEN TO SWEET PEA. INJUSTICE. ALSO ALSO, THIS LINE:

Reggie: Just two single straight dudes doing some theatre.

OH SWEET REGGIE. NOBODY HAS TOLD YOU ABOUT KURT AND RAM HAVE THEY DARLING?) 

It should be noted that Riverdale’s songs in all three musicals are heavily reworked to fit the characters, and the TV network rating, better. 

Music has meaning. The songs should be there to do something, not just have extra content to churn out and look good doing it. As stated, Riverdale’s musical episodes aren’t necessary. There are no stakes to their expression through song. 

Fundamentally, Buffy understands what a musical episode is. They do only one, and that was a fight to get on the network as it was.

Think of it this way: did the songs affect the characters and plotline enough that it would still have ramifications a few episodes later? 

Buffy’s certainly did. 

One could theoretically say Midge’s death affected Riverdale, which did occur during the episode. One could also say that Betty and Jughead burning the trailer affected Riverdale. But those didn’t need the songs to exist. Again, they were just….there. 

And then there’s the issue of vocal performance. 

Look, musicals are a lot of work, and it’s hard on the voice. 

Buffy’s cast does feature several singers. Notably, Anthony Stewart Head, Amber Benson and James Marsters have had separate success in music outside of Buffy. 

Riverdale’s cast features a grand total of one person with professional musical experience (that would be Casey Cott, who makes that fact entirely obvious). I suppose KJ Apa counts too, so let’s say two to be generous. 

But again, Buffy wins this round. Make no mistake, their songs are autotuned. Just about every piece of music you’ve heard since the 80s has had some amount of autotune applied to it. Sarah Michelle Gellar would probably be the first to admit, she is not a singer. Actually, up until she received the music, she was fully planning on being dubbed, and is openly says she is not comfortable singing. And you can tell. In the musical, she sounds fine. She’s not amazing. That’s actually the point. She sings well enough to fully communicate the emotions she’s feeling, but it feels genuine. You can believe Buffy is actually singing, not in that full voiced, broadway quality voice that so many Riverdale episodes feature, but in a normal-person singing voice, the voice we all use when we sing in the shower. Willow is not a great singer, and Alyson Hannigan is clearly not comfortable singing either. Accordingly, she’s given the fairly meta line “I think this line’s mostly filler”, and it doesn’t sound heavily autotuned. It’s a normal person voice. 

In contrast, Riverdale’s voices are mostly a machine. I’d kill to listen to the raw tracks, but they are practically waterboarded with autotune. One can scarcely distinguish a real voice in there. They don’t sound like real people, they sound like professionally polished singers. And how many high schools have full choruses of broadway quality singers? It takes you out of the show. I actually would have liked Riverdale’s musical episodes far better, had they let them use their more natural voices. It would have sounded less polished, sure, but it also would have sounded more real. Lili Reinhart has a pretty voice naturally. I would have loved to see that being allowed to exist in these episodes. 

(On a slightly separate note, Casey Cott is very clearly a singer. His voice is full, trained and controlled. It stands out above everyone’s in every musical episode).

In summation, musical episodes are becoming more and more common, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy to do well. However, if you understand the meaning you have to imbue music with on a medium like TV, and craft your context around the singing, it can work. 

And if you’re looking for a musical episode, for god sakes, watch Once More With Feeling. 

[sometimesrosy]

6.10 Matryoshka rewatch

Okay, i find it hard not to write things when they occur to me as I watch,  because I don’t want to forget.

But as I’m watching the primes, eating dinner in their grand table with only four left, and the Null comes in and kills Simone because they lied and he sacrificed his baby for who he thought were gods, what occurs to me is that the Primes themselves are stuck in the horror of what happened at the first eclipse.

Russell has been reliving his massacre of his own people for 236 years. And they have all been reexperiencing it. They have really never moved on. Instead, they created this society like a snowglobe, where a calcified dozen people set everything up to be a make believe fairy tale so they can continue to live life forever.

This can’t be why they were sent there. They must have been sent there to colonize and create a new home for humanity. They carried embryos for fertilization and population. And all the did was use them experimentation, and livestock, and slaves. 

If we’re talking about cycles of violence, they are stuck in one cycle, murder, horror, oppression, tyranny, inhumanity. The Ark was also stuck one. MW was stuck in one. And the grounders were stuck in one, and this is why they all died, devouring themselves. Snake devouring their own tail. Ouroborous. Wonkru wasn’t alive long enough to set up that cycle, they were the end of the previous, I think.

So Kane, Monty, Clarke, Bellamy, Raven now, are trying to break the cycle and start a new cycle without the violence. 

Russell, of course, is not. So he blames our heroes for everything, all the prime deaths, although... that was the COG, Josephine, the Null, and ok, Madi. She did kill one. But he was keeping her as a nightblood.  Echo is about to kill Russell when Ryker knocks her out, ‘for his family.’ Russell has them up on pyres, but Murphy remembers about the bone marrow, i guess we can forgive the twice grieving Abby for not being in the best place. But Raven backs him up, gets our heroes free and then he lights the null on fire. They purify sanctum through fire.

That just brings me back to what Cadogan did to Becca in Madi’s vision. It seems similar. Also when Josephine wakes up the first time and sees Russell old she says he looks like grandpa. Could cadogan be grandpa or was he too young? idk. But anyway, Primes, fires, praimfaya, eligius, religious imagery, the eternity symbol, the two suns... I still think there are too many links to second dawn to be coincidental. I don’t know what the link is, but i think there is one. 

Oh one other thing I noticed, during their imprisonment, Sheidheda told Madi to tell RAVEN nothing. Specifically. I think he knows it’s because of the tech. If he understands tech, then he knows Raven can figure it out. If he understands tech that means he must have been some part of the pre apocalypse, no? Although Indra did say she remembered him. If she’s, like 50, and the apocalypse was 100 something years ago, could he have been an old man when he became a heda? He doesn’t look it. Ok, well maybe he’s not cadogan. But I still think there’s a connection. 

Ok. To Clarke and Josephine. Josephine is SUCH a villain. Playing all sweet and harmless with Clarke to get her sympathy, making “friends” with her, sharing her love story with Gabriel with her. Working with her so they can BOTH live, and then planning on murdering her. 

I have a theory about her. All her bodies have been blonde. That’s why Clarke is perfect. Good age. Blonde. Beautiful. Jo II wasn’t a blonde. I’m certain of it. Her eyebrows and part are very dark. I’m certain they dyed her hair blonde to be acceptable to Josephine, because she only wants blonde hosts. She’s so freaking vain. Oh I also have a theory that the primes stopped their emotional development at the age they were first killed. So Josephine never got older than early 20s narcissist. Ryker is an adolescent-- the way he collects cool things and comics. Leelee is a kid, impulsive, likes sweet things. Simone is a bitter hag. (She always has that sour face on. Maybe she didn’t really WANT to go on the ship. When she took Abby’s body, Abby had that sour face.) While Russell is a megalomaniac. HE didn’t die, but he didn’t change. Gabriel was like 45 or so. They are UNABLE to grow and change. Maybe that’s why they’re stuck in that snowglobe of artificiality. They aren’t really real people. They’re AI facsimiles of real people. Hmm. They have the consciousness, but they’re frozen. 

The scene where Jade is taking Josephine back and getting ready to kill Octavia and Bellamy swoops in and saves the day is a stunning masterpiece of giving us what we want.

The height of Bellamy’s heroism in s2, now witnessed by Octavia and Clarke’s body, i mean she heard it right? COme on. Anyway. Such a great way to save them, to spin the story, and to bring it back to a supremely satisfying moment from another season. Gorgeous. 

Then we get to the famous saving Clarke from death scene. That scene is amazing. Josephine is pulling out her most manipulative, sweet little girl, don’t you love me? crap and it works. It works on me too. She COULD come back. She COULD be reborn again. BUT SHE REFUSES TO GO. 

Why would she do that? Because she wants what she wants and she’s a god, I guess. Even without her memories. With a chance to start over with a clean slate, and she STILL does that. When she told Clarke she wasn’t always like that, I doubt this is true. It wasn’t her experiences that made her like that or when her experiences were erased she wouldn’t have done it again. How did she remember her murder move? Ugh. She sucks. But she was a great, charming villain. 

And then Bellamy so desperate. So stubborn. Would not let her go. You know that scene wasn’t very long at all, and it was still so freaking epically romantic. Not in your candle light and fancy dresses and pretty views and music kind of romantic way. But in one soul in two bodies kind of way. Her heart stopped working so he told it to beat. 

Gah.

And she did. 

omg.

i need someone to come tell my heart to beat because it has stopped. I am dead. that scene killed me. I’ve been dead for months. wake me up when season 7 happens. 

@linzzmorgan100 @wolfheartgirl  @braindeadkat @kattitudereads @beholdmysparkle @elspethelfgordie @theatre-steph @franklyineedcoffee  @iishallbelieve

[thedrunkdoc]

Daydreaming

XIUMIN X Y/N

Genre: It’s safe to say that this is fluff with a little bit of Angst on the side.

AN: Here I am again after a very looong hiatus. Only this time, I won’t be serving you guys some steamy smut. I wanted to write something cute for Xiumin since I’ve been feeling giddy these days. I hope this gives you as much excitement as the smut one shots I’ve done.

Alsooo, try listening to EXO’s Heaven as the background music for this. ^_^

----------

Today was a perfect day for a trip to the amusement park. It was in the middle of autumn- not to hot and not too cold, just right. The ice cream cone that you were holding started to drip on your fingers sending you a signal that you have been staring at a father-daughter tandem for too long.

You couldn’t help it. The sight reminded you of someone. You watched intently as the father carried his sleeping daughter to the bench. Guess this girl had a fun day at the park. He held his hand up in the air to shield his girl’s eyes from the sunlight and you couldn’t help but smile as flashbacks appeared right before your eyes.

--

It was your final year in Uni and you wanted to be remembered as the girl with the best glow up. You entered the cosmetics store in hopes of going back to your dorm with a bag full of new makeup to try.

You scanned the lipstick aisle and started picking out 3 different shades of red. Red lipsticks were your thing. Although you’ve never actually gotten it smeared all over your face because of too much kissing, making out, and grabbing just like what the myths told you about your stay in Uni. But that was fine. At least you were still on your final year and you still had hope.

And if you could make out with anyone, you would have definitely picked Kim Minseok from the Theatre Club. He was two years ahead of you and he was in charge of the recruitment of new club members during the Freshmen Orientation. And you’ve only had eyes for him ever since which is why you joined the Theatre Club even if you didn’t even have any acting experience or whatsoever.

He always landed the male lead. Which meant he always had big roles and big scenes, some of them you’d rather not watch because a sudden pang on your chest would pull you out of consciousness. Not even exaggerating this part. You literally fainted the first time you saw him kiss the female lead during practice.

You’ve always worked backstage and you were okay with that. After all, your goal in joining wasn’t to actually be on stage. It was to keep a close distance between you and the love of your life who you knew would never be yours. He never even looked at you, not even once.

Come to think of it, there was actually one time. When you pulled a different lever sending the sandbags, holding the props in place, in the air and landing on the acting coach’s head and knocking him out. You could’ve sworn he smiled at you that time because the acting coach annoyed the living hell out of him.

You finished picking your new makeup and went straight to the counter so you could pay. You watched as the cashier punched in the items one by one while the other lady put it in a paper bag. “That will be 256 dollars.” She smiled.

You reached inside your bag for your wallet. And reached even deeper. And deeper…

You gave the cashier an awkward smile after you realized what a sticky situation you were in. “Is there something wrong?” She finally asked.

You were still looking for your wallet inside of your bag when a thought finally hit you. “I’m sorry. It seems like I forgot to take my wallet when I switched my bags today.” You said with a mix of concern and humiliation in your voice.

The two ladies exchanged a look that said I-KNOW-SHE-DOESN’T-HAVE-MONEY-AND-SHE’S-TRYING-TO-PUT-ON-A-SHOW. You hated being insulted like that. Because you had no love to protect, all of your sassiness went into protecting your pride.

You took your phone out and landed it on top of the counter. “See this? This is the new Note 20 Ultra. I’m gonna leave it here and go back to my dorm to get my wallet and come back to pay the price of the items I picked out and maybe even give you a tip even if you’re trying to insult me right now.” You turned your back on them and headed straight to your dorm.

You walked back inside the shop when you finally got your wallet and you were startled to see one of the two ladies approaching you. She was all smiles and it gave you the chills because you were certain you’ve seen that smile in a horror movie before.

“I’m sorry that you had to go back to your dorm, Ma’am.” She greeted you while handing the paper bag full of the cosmetics you picked out and your phone. “A young man came in just moments after you went out and paid for everything. He just told me to relay a message to you which is on your phone.”

I took a look at my phone and an on-screen note appeared.

“Bet you’re curious about who I am. Come and meet me at the coffee shop across the street. I’ll be wearing a gray hoodie. I’ll see you.”

Okay. His message definitely spiked up some creepy vibes.

Is he a stalker?

Is he a murderer?

Is he going to ask for sex because he paid for your makeup?

You clutched your chest tightly as you started to make your way towards the coffee shop he mentioned. You were scared about who he could be. But you were actually raised right so you knew that the right thing to do was give him back his money.

Thoughts were dancing inside your head. Panic started to kick in the moment your feet landed in front of the door of the café.

If he’s a bad person, he wouldn’t ask to meet at such a crowded place right?

Besides, the ladies were in such a good mood after seeing him. Maybe he’s got looks?

You pushed the door and stepped inside immediately eyeing someone wearing a gray hoodie. As you started to walk towards his table, another guy joins him which sent you to a cloud of confusion. It was only then that you realized that almost 50% of the people inside the café were wearing gray hoodies.

Was he trying to toy with you?

“One Caramel Macchiato for Y/N!” The Barista’s voice snapped you back to reality.

Wait. You just got here. How the hell does she know your name? And how could you have possibly ordered your favorite drink without you actually ordering it?!

You stood in place and watched as a guy stood up from his seat and claimed the drink.

The Barista’s face immediately lit up when he saw the guy standing in front of him. Now you were even more curious. You walked towards the guy and felt your soul leave your body when you finally found out who he was.

“Kim… Minseok?” You asked in disbelief.

He handed you the cup of coffee with a shy smile plastered across his face. He still looked like a squirrel when he smiled which sent you down memory lane. That same damned smile was what cajoled you into joining the damned Club where you humiliated yourself a couple of times.

You haven’t seen him ever since he graduated two years ago. You started forgetting about him when you quit Theatre Club right after he left. And you were doing fine.

Until you saw him again.

The lingering feelings that you tried so hard to erase and suppress for two years resurfaced. Your love for Minseok was like a fungal infection- it came back no matter how hard you tried to eradicate it.

You joined him at his table and sat across from him. You spent a good 10 minutes staring at him and trying to figure out why he’d do such a thing. Because no matter which angle you looked at it from, the puzzle pieces just don’t quite fit.

“Are you just going to keep on looking at me?” He asked with a slight chuckle at the end.

You still couldn’t believe your eyes. And even though you wanted to answer his question, you couldn’t fathom the right combination of words to say. Excited was an understatement. You were ecstatic. You finally saw him after two years. So why couldn’t you speak?

He took a sip of his coffee and leaned forward locking his gaze with yours. “Yes, I paid for your makeup.” He blurted out which sent your back to your seat, digging as deep as it can into the cushion.

You composed yourself and finally mustered up enough courage to speak. “Why did you do that?” You asked out of complete curiosity.

“After I graduated, I found out that girls pretend to be clumsy to get a guy’s attention because I’ve dated quite a few. I’m not that ugly, you know?” He sat back and looked outside for a moment before continuing.

‘This conceited ass.’ was all you could think of.

“I’m just kidding.” He suddenly took back what he said and you felt your muscles relax. “Truth be told, I found you really cute the day you knocked that annoying acting coach unconscious. You looked so scared.” He laughed at the memory.

“So?” You asked hoping for a decent response.

He cleared his throat. “It’s not that I didn’t see you. And it definitely wasn’t because I had noticed that you had the biggest crush on me that I never approached you.”

“Wow.” You responded as you felt your muscles tense up again. He knew? Yet he chose to ignore you all this time? His reason better be valid.

“I knew how important your studies were for you.” He finally blurted out which sent your eyes right to his gaze. He was sincere. You knew he was sincere.

“There was one time that I almost approached you. But I was too scared. I saw you walking to the library right after practice and I mentally made a promise to myself not to bother you until you graduated so I won’t be a distraction to you.” His words sounded like a symphony to you.

Was he somehow confessing?

“I tried so hard to avoid you, Y/N. But I can’t wait another year anymore considering the fact that you planned to buy so much makeup so must be trying to look pretty for another guy.” He shook his head slightly and you could see that his smile was slowly turning to a frown.

You felt your heart race. Adrenaline was pumping all over your body, making your hands a bit shaky. Butterflies were flying in all directions in your stomach and the smell of coffee didn’t help at all.

You held your hand up in front of your chest signaling him to let you talk. “Alright, hold up. First of all, I wear makeup to look pretty for myself and not for other guys. Second of all, I’m going to pay you back. Third-”

He cut me off. “I don’t want you to pay for those. I intended to buy something for you before showing up in front of you. But this is fate? I guess?”

“I’m still gonna pay for them. You know that, right?” You asked with eyebrows raised.

“Well, you can pay me in the form of kisses and cuddles.” He smiled. Again.

His smile melted you. His smile was your kryptonite. His smile dissolved all sense of rational thought left in you if there were still any. His smile made your knees a good kind of weak. And if you weren’t sitting, you’d probably be down on the floor, in the fetal position, while smiling like a dork.

“Kim Minseok, did you just confess to me?” You asked before letting out a sigh to mask the fact that you were enjoying this. Oh how the tables have turned.

“Confessions are for kids.” He stood up and held your hand and pulled you up so you’d be standing in front of him. “You’ve been mine ever since. I’m just claiming you now.”

He slowly lifted your chin up and the last thing you saw were his eyes closing as the distance between your faces became shorter and shorter until you could feel his warm lips on yours.

You could feel your face getting hotter and cheers from the people in the café drowned the sound of your heart beating so loud it could practically escape your chest at that very moment.

You had no choice but to pull away because you couldn’t suppress your smile any longer.

“Now I only owe you 255 kisses.” You said before pressing your lips together because there were no words to explain how happy you were.

“Let’s finish our coffee and head somewhere else… boyfriend.” You said as you picked up your coffee and started sipping.

“Boyfriend? I’m your fiancé, stupid.” He let out a cute laugh and you had to hold yourself back so hard to not tackle him into an unending cuddle.

--

“Well hello there, Angel.“ Minseok pulled you out of your daydream and gestured for you to walk towards them.

You finally sat on the bench beside your husband who was still shielding your daughter’s eyes from the sun as she slept soundly on Minseok’s chest. Your had to share your favorite pillow with your daughter now.

You licked the ice cream that was supposed to be for your daughter. “Give me some of that.” Minseok pleaded as he watched you devouring the soft serve in front of him.

“I don’t want to.” You said before sticking your tongue out like a little kid.

You’d been married to Minseok for 4 years and you were blessed with a daughter during your second year of marriage. But you were both still young at heart given the fact that he insisted on pushing through with the wedding just 2 years after you graduated. Acting like little kids when your daughter wasn’t watching was your own little way of keeping the romance alive.

“Do that again.” He said before cracking a mischievous smile.

You closed the distance between your faces and before you could stick your tongue out, his lips were already on yours.

“Hmm. Strawberry.” He licked his lips.

He caught you off-guard with that little peck. Specially because you were right in the middle of an amusement park and you were dead sure that a lot of people saw what he did. But it didn’t matter. You were married. And you couldn’t care less about what people thought about you because at least you were happy. You had a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. What more could you ask for?

“Y/N.” He whispered and you stared at him while waiting for him to continue what he was going to say. “I think it’s time for baby number two.”

You didn’t even have time to respond to what he just said. He pulled you to the car, careful not to wake your daughter up so she could be put to bed immediately when you get home.

“You know what?” You looked at him as he started the car. “Maybe I am in the mood for baby number two.” You playfully tugged on his hair sending him a signal that you weren’t kidding.

You smiled at each other and held your laugh so hard that you both turned into tomatoes.

“I love you, Y/N.” He muttered before giving you another peck on the lips.

“And I love you, Minseok.” You answered with a smile.

He started driving home and you knew it was going to be an exciting night.

Oh and the cosmetics you needed to pay back? You both lost count of the kisses you shared three weeks into your relationship. You could already imagine him sweating on top of you and you couldn’t wait to actually do the deed when you get home. But first, a warm bath.

[thedrowsydoormouse]

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

All the time. I wouldn’t be shocked if I woke up one day still as a little kid and all this was some weird fever dream.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Is 0 an option? If not then 1. 

3. The person you would never want to meet?

Jared Leto. I have zero interest being sexually harassed or any of the other shit he thinks is ok. My other answer would’ve been Harvey Weinstein but I’ve regrettably already met him at a party when I was 13 and promptly threw up in a trash can because the vibes I got off him were so negative they made me physically ill.

4. What is your favorite word?

Fuck. It’s so versatile.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

Palm tree. 

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

“Holy shit! My hair’s still curly! I thought that bun fucked it up!”

7. What shirt are you wearing?

A super old black tank top with a faded Union Jack on it that’s covered in holes but is super comfy so I wear it to bed.

8. What do you label yourself as?

Demi-pansexual goth-y punk rocker chick with emotional intimacy issues, a biting wit, and a flair for the dramatic

9. Bright room or dark room?

Dark. I’m like a vampire. I hate the light. It gives me headaches.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Watching TV.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

So far 25 has been pretty good.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

My partner.

13. Your worst enemy?

Red meat. Makes me crazy sick.

14. What is your current desktop picture?

15. Do you like someone?

It’d be awkward if I didn’t considering I’m in a committed relationship.

16. The last song you listened to?

Basket Case by Green Day.

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Trump. It’d solve so many problems.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Trump. Any question like this has the exact same answer.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

I’d make Trump be my slave while I donate both of our time helping the homeless and the “illegal” immigrants in Downtown LA. That way I can punish him while also doing some good.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

My hair. When I let it air dry it has the best curls I’ve ever seen!

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

I’d probably look the same but without tits and I’d probably jerk off a lot.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

I can always predict when my brother’s going to be home to within a 10 minute window.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

Dying at Disneyland.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Caprese sandwich. It’s just as good fresh as it is as a grilled cheese.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Probably on either makeup or skincare because I need to replace a few things that I’m running low on.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Tokyo Disney Resort. 

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

Captain Morgan Watermelon Smash. I love watermelon and I love rum and that’s the best mix of the two.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Every single person is equal. Full stop. Anyone who says otherwise is banished back to the mainland.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

My dance bag. It has a lot of good memories attached to it and has my first pair of pointe shoes in it which I can’t replace.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Watching the plane hit the 2nd tower live on TV on 9/11 when I was only 7. It fucked me up so badly I’m still in therapy for it.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! 

I’d probably wanna move to either Paris or Tokyo.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

Carrie Fisher. The world needs our crazy space mom to shock it back into the good timeline.

34. What was your last dream about?

It was super mundane. I was painting my nails. They were gorgeous.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

I’m good at a lot of things.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

No. And I hope I never am until I’m in a body bag on my way to the morgue.

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

I’m from Southern California. We don’t get snow.

38. What is the color of your socks?

One is aqua with flamingos and pineapples and the other is grey with rainbows and clouds. They are also currently inside out.

39. What type of music do you like?

I mostly listen to punk, grunge, classing rock, show tunes, stuff like that. I’m pretty open to everything except religious, children's, and rap. And free-form jazz. I hate that shit.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunsets.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

It depends on where I’m getting it but anything super sugary.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

I hate football. The only sport I even sorta watch is baseball.

43. Do you have any scars?

A few. None of them are very noticeable, though, and they’re all in hidden places.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? 

I wanted to do something in the entertainment industry. So I studied costume design. Instead I just fucked up my mental and physical heath almost to the point of no return.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Nothing. I love myself exactly as I am.

46. Are you reliable?

Shockingly, yes. I seem super flaky but if you need someone to get something done or remember some random shit I’m your girl.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Depends on how far in the future. But I think it would be who wins the presidential election this year. Because if we have to deal with 4 more years of Trump I’m going to kill myself.

48. Do you hold grudges?

Like you wouldn’t believe.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

CatDog. And not just because of the cartoon from when I was a kid.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

Me and my therapist were talking about how Columbus is the reason humans have chlamydia.

51. Are you a good liar?

Extremely. 

52. How long could you go without talking?

However long I need to. I spend a lot of time alone so talking isn’t really a big deal for me.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

I once had a bob when I was a kid. It wasn’t a good look. I don’t have the bone structure.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

I love baking and cakes are super fun to make!

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

Many! I used to do theatre and the more accents you could do the more roles you could get.

56. What do you like on your toast?

Butter. Melted. I’m a simple girl.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

I was watching Next In Fashion and got pissed that they didn’t have a single plaid fabric in the studio so I drew this red carpet look using almost entirely plaids.

58. What would be you dream car?

A motorcycle.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

I love to sing in the bath. I even have a special playlist that’s just songs I sing in the bath.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

I’d be stupid not to.

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

I used to. Not so much anymore.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

This is a stupid question.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons. Hands down.

64. What do you think about babies?

Cool in theory, horrible in practice. I will never be a mom.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

I’ll use the same question I asked @anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam​ which was “If your universe suddenly stopped existing and you had to pick another one to live in, which would you pick?” and my answer would be probably the one that I keep seeing in my head that I’m writing a book about because I know shit isn’t going to hit the fan and the world is actually on the mend. But only if I can swap places with the main character of the book because she’s awesome and I love the way her story ends.

[demytasse]

[Shizaya] Coping Mechanism — Ch 4

[Previous Chapter]

     Izaya had spent most of the morning checking for phone notifications — one by one — messages that weren’t coming, yet he almost believed they would blip into existence the moment his eyes fell upon the digital screen. There wasn't much purpose for his action beyond preoccupation, he just couldn't admit how exclusively he waited for the goddamn bedroom door to open for hours that blended into a long minute. It was tiring, the impatience that drained his battery rather than his lack of sleep. Though how could he be patient when he knew Shizuo hadn’t slept more than a few winks; the heavy thump and rustles every time the beast tossed and turned practically broadcasted his inability to reach REM and it was painful just how long the lie that he slept the morning away was kept up.

So when Shizuo finally trudged the distance of his mattress onward to grace his presence, it seemed that everything surrounding the event was a blessing, even the racket of a loose doorknob attempting to initiate its mechanism was enjoyable. Even the extended, nail-biting buildup was accepted as Izaya utilised the extra time to meticulously dress up his nonchalant air for the grand entrance. His legs elegantly tied at the last moment, chin tipped up with a lazy prowess, he propped himself up by sheer will alone. Without further hesitance the door swung open.

    “Good morning, sweetie~!” Izaya twiddled his fingers in a wave.

He exuded expectancy in a fashion that looked as awkward as he tried to hide it — then again Shizuo did the same, despite his groaned out, groggy grumble.

    “You’re still here.”

    “Indeed, but that's what you wanted, right?” he winked.

Shizuo ignored as many pitiful flirts as he could — snuffed out his smile with a huff, and made his way to the kitchen.

He raised a section of his undershirt to scratch an itch just above a stretched-out waistband, every bit habitual as the series of cracks that rolled from his lower spine up to his shoulders. Izaya tilted his head as he spied, the same motion as Shizuo used while he forced his neck to crack with both hands. It was a fair bit of a cringe, given how familiar Izaya was to that particular strength, but knowing the outcome of each of his daily practices it wasn’t a worry that Shizuo might accidentally behead himself or something along those lines. It was a spectacle that lasted up until Shizuo paused his stretches. Curious of something upon the bar-top, he considered what to make of the object with dead eyes — the abnormality of a familiar carton that sat in a puddle of its own sweat.

    “You left the milk out,” Izaya pointed.

    “No fuckin’ shit?”

    “You also left the coffee on the heater. Not sure if you could tell, but the smell of burning mud is quite...pungent.” Izaya’s nose crinkled in jest.

    “And you couldn’t have done anything ‘bout it?” he rubbed at his eyes.

    “It’s not my place.”

    “...like that stopped you before, you damn brat.”

Shizuo went for an affectionate slap upside Izaya’s head, but it was evaded with an anticipated lean backward — a hum and chuckle in tow.

    He commanded Shizuo to stand down with a jab to the forehead. “Are you going to make it up to me?”

The sly tone alone drained colour from Shizuo, the touch did him in; it was technically their first form of physical content in months, though it was without nerves nor fear that his body reacted against his wishes.

    “H-hah?” His hand dropped to his side which directed Izaya to visually follow its course; drew his attention towards something that wished him a better ‘good morning’ than Shizuo had. “Are you serious?”

    “I meant coffee, Shi-zu-chan~. Coffee.” His brow raised, teasingly satisfied, his legs switched which topped.

Shizuo stumbled backward, the sudden lightheadedness worked against his balance, tripped him around the counter to create distance; perhaps hide. To recenter his thoughts he scrutinised the milk rather than face Izaya as they talked.

    “God, I—” he cleared the dry falsetto from his throat, “god, I fuckin’ I hate you.”

    “Tell that to your erec—”

    “DON’T!! Don't start, you asshole!” Red flowed back into his cheeks.

In a burst of emotion, he made a quick decision to prove his might with a pitch of the carton into the sink where it impressively exploded into a mess of white.

    “...what will I do for cream?” Izaya laughed easily.

    “I’m makin’ your damn coffee, just shut up and take what you get!!”

—

    Per usual Izaya fell into observance, this time it was a particular movie of morning ritual, overplayed and overperformed. Even though he wasn’t able to watch the second actor — that is, himself — the strain of rusty muscle memory told Izaya that he too kept close to the script of waiting for his lackluster brew and his unwillingly, willing bartender to join him.

They were lone actors stuck in a loop of endless takes in the midst of a dance around the same rickety set; their awkward passion had, and continued, to disappoint a hypothetical director with a perfect vision they could hardly live up to. It exhausted the couple’s ability to keep at it day-to-day in the past, hence how they both suffered through dry ritual before Izaya inspired a...hiatus of sorts. Time without it made it clear just how bored they had gotten; what rut they’d dug themselves into.

Rewatching it, though, made for good theatre.   

    While he maneuvered, Shizuo looked back and forth between his task and Izaya; off and on, he’d make eye contact only from a side-glance, but grew more and more anxious every time.

    “Would you stop that?”

    “Stop what?”     “Staring at me,” he messed with pre-ground coffee in the bag, “it's annoying…”     “You never seemed to have a problem with it before.”

    Shizuo paused, “funny how things change.” The words appeared unsatisfactory to his disposition, but he slipped back upon the rails to avoid a negative train of thought.     The retired monster further fumbled through setting up the coffee machine again — a round two of what was botched hours back. The cord tangled around his wrist, his frustration crackled as if the coffee had already begun to brew.

It shocked Izaya that he didn’t crush the cheap thing in the process, rather he moved onto scooping grounds with care — only half made it to the filter. What little mess he swept into his hand ultimately made it to the floor when he dusted off the rest on his boxers. With a snap of plastic and a beep the machine began its broken melody.

Izaya could’ve watched Shizuo — his performer — for hours; his own heated cheek lying in his palm, relaxed fingers curled around the arc of his head as it lulled to the side, completely in awe. He felt as if watching the romantic slice-of-life tragedy could make up for lost time — erase what mistake he’d made and perhaps turn it around. In the end, as predictable as the steps had become, no matter how boring they’d grown, Izaya realised he missed this silent film. It glossed his eyes somber.

When Shizuo turned, he was startled out of step; honestly, like he'd forgotten Izaya ever occupied the bar, except he couldn't have forgotten as he'd been impossible to get off his mind all morning. So he had no retort but a harsh intake of air, equivalent to five breaths or more. His chest filled out broad and his shoulders gained height; his long-term depression was corrected by a miracle. Shizuo forgot to exhale.

Once more he followed their tried and true script. Without hesitation he reached over the counter to rest his hand on Izaya's shoulder in trial of what he was allowed to get away with. The blunt laminate edge pushed far into his gut, yet he pressed onward without notice. All he was focused on was how flush Izaya had became as he massaged warmth over his cold shoulder; how his ex-partner melted into the touch and his shoulders rolled forward into a comfortable hang. Their exchange felt like coming home to experience their past.

Izaya eased himself off the chair, smooth and casually — metal scritched across the tile flooring as he moved closer to Shizuo to let him stroke his cheek with a feather touch. His vision closed off the world; he was relaxed enough to finally let his sleep deprivation take over, though was alert enough to will the moment to move faster towards what he wanted.

    "Seriously...” Shizuo hesitated, “...why the hell are you here, Izaya?"

Words waited in queue somewhere on the back of Izaya’s tongue, jumbled with an incomprehensible answer. The failed phrasing was more a stumble through various syllables that he tried to figure out the taste, but only managed a stutter. One language was too much a challenge, but his body puppeted him though straightforward communication; he moved closer and hung just short of them conversing through touch.

His fingers weaved with the golden half of Shizuo's locks and tugged hard at the brown roots. They hiccuped — choked on hot air before they went to steal more oxygen from the other. Only the rough of their lips grazed and only a second delay from an inconvenient interruption — a wail of the coffee machine.

Both men jumped apart; the machine’s alert continued on, as did their stare.

    "Let me get it." Izaya shook off their eye contact. He peeled away with his hand at the back of his head.

    “No I’ll do it.”

    "It's fine."

    “I started the damn pot, I'll finish it.”

    “How about you don’t press your luck, Shizuo,” he snipped, far humourless than his light, snappy tone, “alright?”

    “Luck?! Is it luck that we almost fuckin’ kissed?”     “Please,” he looked pained, “you know it was!”

Izaya regretted his snap judgement as soon as the shock spread wide on Shizuo’s features. The expression — the hurt — made it hard to ignore, how the look of betrayal was similar to one of another accident still shiny and new. What broke them apart and hadn't been addressed due to silent respect that Izaya probably didn't deserve.

Undeniably it was possible for Shizuo to forgive him, Izaya knew it; decidedly it was impossible for him to forgive himself, and he despised it.

    “Fine. Do what you want, Izaya. Leave it burning again for all I care. I need to shower for work.”

    “I need to leave as well.”

    “No! You stay put. We need to talk!” Shizuo bellowed. “So caffeinate yourself or somethin’, but hell, if you leave, the next time I see you I'll bury your smug-ass grin into the damn concrete!”

    “You sure don't look like you want to wait until next time.” He narrowed his eyes, but his voice wavered, “what happened to your controlled temper?”

    “You happened!!”

    “Oh…”

    “Yeah, ‘oh’,” he growled.

    “...”

    "Tch, what happened to your nonsense monologues...” Shizuo muttered as he turned towards the bathroom.

Izaya held his tongue as if he even had any dialogue to hold back. If he actually did, the cry of the door on its hinges would have interrupted the spew anyway. It slammed near to splinters; surprisingly it was more apt to claim it was forced into its cradle, snug and intact.

    “...looks like I will need that drink after all, Shizu-chan.”

AN: These awkwardly stubborn assholes...

[loquaciousquark]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E29 (August 7, 2018)

Tonight’s preshow: favorite moments from the live show at GenCon last week. Y’all, Dani is so short in real life, I can’t even. Less adorably, I’ve burned my popcorn. Why must life be so cruel?

Music fades out, then hard smashcut to Brian passed out in his chair. Bless, he looks tired. Smashcut to Marisha and Liam also sleeping on the couch. Get these kids some rest, I tell you what. Tonight’s guests: Liam & Marisha.

Announcements: Tonight’s sponsor is Dwarven Forge, who’ve recently launched their kickstarter for the Cavern’s Deep set. See more at critrole.com/dwarvenforge. Honey Heist 2: Electric Beargaloo airs this Friday at 7:00pm PST (on top of the regular episode on Thursday). They actually shot it last night, and it’ll air unedited on Friday. Liam: “No audience, no fucks left to give.” Marisha and some of the others will hang out in the chat Friday night to share the experience, and Brian will be posting some behind-the-scenes photos and videos at the break. The Mighty Nein shirt is back in stock and available at critrole.com. 

CR Stats! The MN reached 159 “9″s this episode, which includes all rolls ever. The 150th 9 goes to Beau--dex save against the fire trap. Beau dealt 147 damage this episode, the most for anyone in any episode in C2 so far. Liam: “This is the class you were born to play.” Marisha: “I’ve never been a Grog before. I’m so excited, you guys.” In Episode 7, the Bust of Estelle Getty attacked twice and hit both times. In Episode 29, the Bust of Nefertiti attacked four times and missed all four. Lorenzo’s last action was Cone of Cold; after that, the party dealt 117 of their total 146 damage. The 6 rounds of this fight is the longest fight of this campaign.

Sam’s outfit? Liam: “What are you going to do next year?” Sam’s panicking. Xenomorph? Cthulhu? Matt Mercer costume? Marisha: “What, are we talking prosthetics? Long hair and a henley aren’t really amping it up.” Liam: “He could wear a vest.”

Liam likes both the intimacy of being around the table and the live theater’s energy. Seeing people cosplay as their characters chanting and screaming is unreal. It feels like a bottle rocket going up next to them. Brian always cries at live shows because of the impact that it has on people--reading tweets is one thing, but seeing the love in person is beyond words.

Liam wasn’t surprised at all at how useful Frumpkin was as a spider. “I don’t know why anyone would think it would be a bad idea.” Marisha: “I got shit for the things I turned into for THREE YEARS! It’s my turn to make fun of other people’s animal choices!” Liam: “#thankskeyleth.”

Beau’s newfound confidence with ladies is both luck and Molly’s influence; she’s always been a bit of a flirt, but Marisha thinks “disaster lesbian” is totally accurate. Liam pitches a 70s exploitation-style spy movie on the spot. Marisha talks about a few times that she almost pursued something with Yasha/Ashley, but then she left and Marisha didn’t get the chance. Brian commiserates. 

Beau waited until Keg could walk off into the sunset to avoid morning-after awkwardness.

Caleb’s first impression of Caduceus is “he’s really ready to put his life in danger. There’s that. I mean, he wanted to get out, so he could have taken a train ride through Alaska, but instead we invaded a compound.” Beau doesn’t have impressions yet. She’s been so desperate for help that any help was a win.

Caleb doesn’t enjoy having power over others. He has an ability to think critically and get things done, but hasn’t been in that position for a long time; he has big plans but no ability to achieve them. He wants to just start getting comfortable again. “Caleb is a mess of contradictions. I change my mind as to what he thinks or I think any given moment.” He wars with liking people and needing to walk away from people because what he’s doing is “more important.” He isn’t sure which part is lying to himself--he just knows that as he lies to himself, he’s still doing something completely different.

To an excellent question about character development by Brian, Marisha talks about finding ideals for a character that you have to go all in on, while still knowing that the world is going to go in on you at the same time and that you’ll change whether you like it or not. Some characters are more stubborn (Caleb); Beau is a little more vulnerable to outside forces of change, such as the death of Molly--she’s never had someone die that she cared about before.

Liam talks about how Caleb has that ability to bring back some fundamental aspects of the person he used to be, in part because he’s now forming connections with people he doesn’t want to admit to even himself. However, what happened with the Shepherds made him angry in a way he never anticipated, plus losing so much of the party... ”I want to do the impossible. If I can’t do this?” The Caleb at the beginning of the campaign was happy to sit back and skulk; this new Caleb, who has been angry, and who is now one of a very small party, cannot skulk. “There was no hanging back. Decisions had to be made.” He doesn’t want to be a leader, but he’ll get things done if he has to.

Beau doesn’t and will never feel vindicated for Molly’s death. BWF: “Revenge and closure aren’t always the same.”

After the live show and Keg, Taliesin told Marisha, “Molly would be so proud.” One of the things that lingers with Beau is that she put on a front in her last conversation with Molly while he was trying to be totally genuine, and then he died before she ever opened up. She’s processing the fact that she missed that opportunity, which is why she jumped on that opportunity with Keg. Marisha also talks about the documentary about Glow on Netflix, where the woman who played the “heart” of Glow talks about her regrets of being in love with the producer but never telling him, and now twenty years have gone by and she’s still in love.

GIF of the Week: @seraphinedreams, which is a Star Wars-style scroller about the Anti-Wheaton Ashly Burch and all her 20s/19s/18s from the live show.

BWF talks about one of the theatre workers recognizing Brian and pointing out the Tal outfit was “worse than last year’s.”

The Nefertiti lamp was a loan from the Egyptian Room of the Murat Theatre.  Khary saw the lamp and went off about how much he needed the empowered figure. Liam: “Thank God we had her, though. Really turned the tide of the battle.”

Going into this fight, Caleb was still furious at the Iron Shepherds. Even so, even during the fight, Caleb was telling himself, “You need this, you need this,” so that he can go to the next thing.

Marisha likes Matt’s revision to the Cobalt Soul class. She’s still figuring out the right things to ask but is liking it much better in terms of expertise costs.

Liam: “I don’t think many moments in my life will rival the impossible moment of that motherfucker dying, on stage, with so many people watching. It was bewildering [to have so many people watching] and it made that moment of blind luck so much more amazing.” Marisha’s not sad at all that he’s dead. Everyone talks about the crazy energy of the HDYWTDT in front of 2500 people.

Brian isn’t apologizing in advance for or after the Honey Heist. Consider me piqued.

Beau cares about Caleb’s mental health. She’s sympathetic, especially since she’s starting to care for the rest of their group. She still believes in the importance of keeping teammates healthy out of both care for them and selfish concern for herself in a fight.

Marisha talks about how emotional she got when Shakaste talked about them being good people doing good things, leaving places better than they found him, especially since Khary’s not caught up on the campaign. Now Beau has to think about the themes that keep cropping up. Caleb knows what they’ve done here is good, but still thinks that the universe is pretty random & that even if they saved an entire orphanage, Caleb will still find himself unforgivable and terrible. “Nothing will erase what he’s done.” BWF: “Nothing?” Liam: “Nothing.”

They hid Khary the whole weekend to keep him from the critter crowd. “It was like telling a 12-year-old in Las Vegas that they had to stay in the hotel.”

Fanart of the Week: this lovely piece by @emtousi12 on twitter, featuring all the guests of the campaign so far.

Caleb/Liam regretted the invisibility scroll casting even before he cast it. He was stressed, the haste was a dud, and he was almost totally out of spells. Liam commiserates with Marisha about having planned very badly on selecting his first level spells for this fight-- “I had a bunch of spells I couldn’t do dick with.” However, he really, really, really didn’t want to die, so even though he desperately wanted to save the scroll, he wanted to live more. 

Neither Beau nor Keg think they plan to make this a recurring thing. “Hit it and quit it.”

Liam’s asked again about why he dedicated the kill to Frumpkin & not Molly (same question as was asked at Gencon). Liam starts talking about how Caleb had a girl cat as a child (also named Frumpkin); later, he recreated his cat using magic, except this one was male (oops?). This--boy, this is a lot very quickly. Marisha: “Is this something you worked out? Is that a narrative beat you thought of in your head?” Liam: “That was a ‘yes/and’ improv thing because Liam also had a cat named Frumpkin as a little boy, and that cat was a girl. But I decided when I was creating my character that Frumpkin was a boy. But because I have real memories as Liam of the cat as a girl, I kept messing up the gender of the fucking cat in the game, so then I retooled my story. So the first part of my answer is that Frumpkin is more important than a magic spell. Frumpkin is a piece of his lovely childhood, his wonderful childhood, and he wanted to have a piece of that in his miserable existence. The second half of that answer is that [the kill] wasn’t dedicated to Frumpkin. Caleb was exhausted and bleeding out, on the verge of death; that line was the equivalent of ‘fuck this day,’ and to say [points emphatically] ‘That was for Molly’ is too--on the nose! I mean, they were all thinking it. They’re all weighed down by it. There’s no need to say it--the day is awful, and what’s more, Molly’s dead--for all they knew in that moment, the other three are dead too, they don’t know! This is a torture chamber! They’re in a Saw movie. They don’t know how the other three are. So maybe they’re all dead. Certainly Molly’s dead. So no, it was not dedicated to the cat.”

Beau felt the same thing, especially since Nott already went into the cage and had the moment with Jester. They were all feeling it and thinking it--it was there--and no one felt the need to say it aloud. “To quote Scarlett O’Hara, ‘I can’t think about that right now. I’ll think about it tomorrow.’“ Liam: “The bottom line is that Caleb is in love with his cat, and the shippers need to focus on that. Send me fiction about that.”

Everyone dreads telling Jester, Yasha, and Fjord what’s happened to Molly. Marisha thinks Fjord will be pragmatic, Yasha will be angry, and Jester will blame herself.

Marisha hypothesizes that since Lorenzo seemed interested in capable fighters, he might have been creating almost Winter Soldier-type slaves that he could use to fight for him.

Everyone’s relieved Sam didn’t fall off the stage in the rollerblades. Apparently he had a dry run out of costume that...did not go well.

Marisha loved the stunning strike moment and the HDYWTDT moment for each of them. Liam loved Nott’s kissing Caleb while he was invisible. BWF does NOT encourage this behavior and we should NEVER DO IT AGAIN and he does NOT WANT THIS IN THE FUTURE but he laughed pretty hard at whoever yelled “It’s High Noon” at Matt towards the beginning of the show.

Liam had a great time playing exhausted--yes, it’s awesome to have the amazing moments, but he loves the fun of the failures too. 

Travis made it to the actual studio today and got a round of applause. “It’s like seeing a hologram of Tupac.”

After Dark: They’re So Tired I’m Tired For Them Edition

Oh, God. Twenty minutes in I realize my video froze during the break and I had no idea. I wondered why it was taking so long. Where are we? I’ll fill it in in a second.

Would BWF ever allow Sam to pick his outfit? He doesn’t know if he has the guts. Sam’s closet is full of ties and sneakers according to Liam.

Liam loved two critters cosplaying as gelatinous cubes at GenCon this year--he recognized one of them as one who came as a beholder last year and applauds her creativity. Marisha loved how their swords were floating around them.  Liam swoons over all the Vaxes with functioning wings; Marisha loved Opening Title Sequence Matt; BWF gushes about the pair who came as him from Signal Boost and Liam Las Vegas; Marisha loved the Percy with the Orthax shadow. There was also a pair of little girls who did the twins one day and Yasha and Beau the next; all three get a little fluttery.

Most of the panel from GenCon is up on Critical Scope.

Marisha would prefer to face a party of wizards over a party of monks. Liam would prefer avoiding both, but if forced would take the monks since they have range requirements.

Thanks, broadcasting.

Liam isn’t bitter the two clerics didn’t heal him. Not at all. Not bitter at all. He was at two hit points before he healed himself with the potion.

Marisha started tearing up when they found the party members in part because the game is very real to them, and they miss Laura, Travis, and Ashley so much. Sometimes the very real reactions catch them off guard. Liam points out that they’re family and it never feels good with part of the family gone.

Live show was the best thing they did at GenCon, but seeing the booth was pretty cool too. Everyone was “cranky” Sunday morning. BWF: “Oh my God, you’re being so nice right now.” Marisha was annoyed from the moment the makeup artist knocked on their door the next morning to get Matt ready to be Pumat. The entire group didn’t say a word to each other over breakfast except to snipe at each other. “Do you know what time it is?” “You’re looking at your phone.”

Liam talks about some cool oversized minis he got for his daughter’s Ravenloft game at the Privateer Press booth. BWF got some new dice (as did Marisha for both her and Matt at the Level Up booth), a Wyrmwood box, and some Iron Kingdoms books.

BWF admits he is a deep nerd and loves Warmachine; he could have talked to the Privateer Press people for hours about the lore if he didn’t think they’d have chased him off.

Did Vax take Molly to the other side? Liam doesn’t know. He has his own ideas--Ariana, their official artist, did a picture of Vax on an obsidian throne & surrounded by obsidian, with white antlers growing out of his shoulder & holding a raven skull, and that’s what he feels his afterlife is like. He does like to think that Vax took Molly to the other side. “He was so colorful and full of life. I’d like to think so.”

The VOD of Matt’s Fireside Chat is up on the critrole Twitch! BWF: “He’s so articulate.” Marisha: “A living bard.”

That’s all for today! Is it Thursday yet?

[lesbian-ed]

How do you move on? I've been in love with this girl for years and I only recently realized we'd never truly be in a committed relationship and it broke my heart. I miss her and I think about her everyday. I joined Her and I've gone on a few dates, but nothing has stuck. I don't really want it to or expect it to, but it still sucks.. I'm completely emotionally unavailable. I feel like I could sleep around and feel nothing. I've never felt like that before. How can I move on?

First and foremost, Anon, I think we need to dispelthe notion that moving on and getting over a broken heart necessarilymean jumping on to the next woman in line. If, as you said yourself,you are emotionally unavailable, my experience is that trying to bewith someone else to break the spell won’t aid you in the least.

See, moving on isn’t about moving on to the nextgirl, but moving on with life, with ourselves. You shouldn’t be attempting toerase the mark this girl has left on you by inviting lots of other women into your bed because it won’t have any effect if youhaven’t done the proper ‘digesting'—it’s no use to strain your bodyto fit in with another while trying to mend your heart and change yourmind. There’s a whole process involved, one of letting go and‘enjoying’ one’s solitude.

I know 'enjoying’ might seem a bit inappropriate whencoupled with the word 'solitude’ in light of an unsuccessfulrelationship, but there are elements of enjoyment to be found inbeing alone once one has surpassed that initial moment of disbelief,hurt, possibly despair. There is nothing novel in recommendingsomeone time in dealing with issues of feeling, I’m sure, andthere’s a reason why people will tell you to wait and let timeflow, but what most fail to tell you is that you cannot sit idly bywhilst consumed by the thought of this one girl, the errors orproblems that led to this outcome, wishing things were different—onthe contrary, I think one must use this moment to assess things asrealistically as possible. If it didn’t work out, then it wasn’tmeant to be—otherwise, logically, it wouldn’t have broken, wouldit?

There is a difference between grieving what we thinkmight have been amazing and condemning ourselves to misery by believing that that was the one chance for happinesswe’d get in this life. The first is a feeling that comes and goes,for, even in the future, when we have left this wholly behind (and itwill happen if you let it, if you make it happen), we still do findourselves wondering 'well, what if?’ but we don’t lose sleepover it anymore; it’s casual, human curiosity. Whereas the second option can lead us to a statevery close to what you’re describing, in which we become somehow verydependent on the memory of what was and on the desire of what couldhave been (or should have been, in our minds), dependent onthe idea of the woman that does not want us back. And that is bad.

It’s common in the first weeks following a break-upor another kind of romantic disenchantment, but to suffer years ofthis, of being shackled to one person who is clearly not at allshackled back to us?

You ask, Anon, how to move on. One must allow time tosweep away the dust of our sadness—but, and many will not like mesaying this, one must also give oneself permission to move on; onemust, at some point, actively pursue the overcoming of our sentimentif time by itself won’t do the trick. And to do that does not mean topursue someone else—but, perhaps, to pursue ourselves.

Now, personally, I dislike psychology and I do notwish to present myself an expert on the matter (Sappho forbid!), butthese sorts of issues, of over-dependence on an ex-girlfriend, onwanting what didn’t come to pass or what has already ended (or neverbegun, depending on the case) always seem to me linked to issues ofconfidence and self-esteem, as if one found it hard or unfeasible toimagine oneself without that person in one’s life. But the truthgenerally is that the person in question is already out of ourlife and we have not yet accepted that reality. For fear, perhaps; ofnever being loved again, of never loving someone to thatdegree again, of never settling down and finding happiness in thearms of any other woman… Reasons abound.

But we tend to feed on a handful of illusions and allof these motives for fear are just that: illusions. Nobody losesvalue by not being corresponded in love; nobody ceases to beimportant because one person in the world suddenly thinksdifferently; nobody is doomed to sadness because we believe ourselvesunloved and/or unloving. I wager we put too much value upon others’perception of us, that we base too much of our happiness on otherpeople—wonderful people, sure, women who stand out in a crowd,otherwise we would not have loved them, but even so we should notforget ourselves to their benefit. We should have the courage to facelife as it is; to choose to move forwards, to leave behind that whichgives us nothing.

Someone might argue that to love a woman still,albeit she loves us not, might give us some strength here and there;that this ideal, romantic, self-sacrificing love is ‘inspiring’; thatit is the only force driving us onwards, that it compells us to make something outof ourselves so those cherished eyes will once again befall us… And I would be forced to respond that livingfor someone else, and especially to that degree, is no way of living.It shouldn’t be difficult to verify that these circumstances are farfrom healthy—and to cling to a love with so much potential for harmis masochistic to say the least. We build prisons out of our owndreams, sometimes, and pain from our joys. With all the romanticismwe tend to use in approaching relationships, it’s a fairly commontrap to fall into.

You might accuse me of being unromantic or unfeelingto speak of these things in this tone, but I assure you I know allabout seeing no way out, about being chained to someone I loved whowould not bat an eyelash towards me. We all have at least oneexperience with this kind of thing and we must find ways to breakfree from this conundrum.

I said earlier that moving on might have something todo with finding ourselves rather than someone else to replace thewoman we loved. That’s also got to do with self-esteem. Many will saythey are incapable and unwilling to love themselves because theybelieve the 'love yourself and others will love you’ line a fallacy;whether it is true or not is completely negligible, because you don’tneed to love yourself, just accept and, perhaps most of all,respect yourself.

Respect your faults and qualities, the time you needto get back up again. Get to know yourself a bit better, enact a bitof harmless selfishness (as in 'I want to see that film in theatresand so I shall, regardless of company’ rather than 'fuck mum and dad,I can spray paint my room and turn up the heavy metal to full volumeif I want to’, mind you), spend time with yourself.

That is, I think, the best and only way to trulyheal. Talk to yourself, listen to yourself. What do you like doing?What are your wants and needs? What are your dreams? What’s yourfavourite smell, food, colour, book, film? Maybe you enjoy walking orswimming or sculpting or meditating or writing. Immerse yourself inyourself. Amidst the chaos of contemporary life, despite thepressures of study or work or peers or family, take a few minutesoff to be with yourself. No, you will not find a void there—and ifyou do, who better to fill it with something nice than you?

You mentioned putting yourself out there, trying toget in touch with other women, but I think sometimes we need to getin touch with ourselves first. And not just when getting over abreak-up or something of the sort, but as much as possible.

It well may be that this is nothing but my own,hyper-individual view on the matter and that many people willdisagree, but, alas, I was the one to answer your question on thisblog today. These are methods by which I have risen again afteradversities of the heart. For we rise again always, Anon. We mustsometimes help ourselves to do it, occupy our hands and muscles andthoughts with something other than our perceived failures, dosomething with ourselves for ourselves rather than for others, wantto be better for ourselves rather than for a partner. In theend, there are few people we can rely on in life apart from thatperson we see in the mirror staring back at us every day.

To finish this (and spare you any more of myphilosophy of life), you will get through this, Anon. It might seemlike a dead end right now, it might seem like you will never leavethis spot of stagnation, but you will. You must want it, as well, ifjust a little bit; be courageous and shed this shell. Breathe. Letyourself be alone for a little while, let it sink in that it did notwork—and that you are not obliged to make anything with anyone elsework at the moment. Focus on you. Find what brings you pleasure anddo not insult your own intelligence and spirit by thinking only shegives you pleasure in life; it isn’t true, not for you, not foranyone. We are made for more than to serve as partners to others,adorable as they might prove to be. If you are currently unable toopen yourself up, then don’t. Don’t go looking for women you’re notyet ready nor willing to bring into your life. Take what you have atthe moment and make the best of it for the time being.

The pressure to find a new girlfriend might even dieout. And that’s a good thing, because we tend to find the mostfantastic and remarkable partners precisely when we aren’tlooking—when we’re ready to live a life with them ratherthan for them, if you know what I mean!

Be patient with yourself and listen to yourself. Bekind. Be to yourself what you’d like others to be. You’ll do just fine.

/Mod T

[seoulscenarios]

College AU! Lee Felix

We’re finally on the home stretch, the end is near for this series!! thank you for the immense amount of support you guys are giving us it means the world xxx

-Major: Musical Theatre

-Minor: none, he has no time outside of rehearsals

-Sports: the same martial arts club as Woojin but he specialises in taekwondo, he’s the college’s star taekwondo player and even won them several medal in the nation championships he like a god on campus tbh,, also plays soccer but isn’t officially part of the team bc he has too many other commitments with his course though sometimes they do call him up if they’re in DIRE need of a player

-Clubs: film club, just bc he likes to watch films and listen to other people’s opinion of films tbh (and he can take naps if the film is boring lmao), is also the deputy of the musical theatre society so he has a lot of power of what musicals they covered

-Felix for the last time we’re NOT doing Wicked and if we ever did I point blank REFUSE to cast you as Glinda bc you are a “cute blonde”

-But pleeaaaaaaase I’ll do more vocal training!

-Felix NO, Glinda is a soprano and you struggle to hit even the alto notes most days

-ONE CHANCE

-NO

-Felix chose to do musical theatre bc it combines his love of singing and dancing and being completely over the top,, like have you ever seen a musical at least one character wasn’t kinda over the top

-When he was a kid his parents took him to see The Lion King and he was in awe of it that he decided that he wanted to be in musical theatre ever since then

-At first, he helped out backstage with props, makeup, costume etc. during his school years and it wasn’t until his first year of high school that the director encouraged him to actually audition

-Everyone was extremely shocked that the deep voiced backstage genius could actually sing extremely well,,, like who’d have thought that

-Whilst he wasn’t the best singer he still got cast in a supporting role and he had the time of his life,,, now he got to experience what the actors did when he put them through stuff and he even did his own damn makeup as well during rehearsals

-So yeah up until he graduated Felix went to star in other musicals put on by his school and by his last year he was finally made principal role and he was all big smiles when the cast list went up and he was beaming for days and went into rehearsals with a fully learned script that was all highlighted and sticky notes on the front with potential prop/costume/makeup ideas on he’s just a wholesome boy

-Tho nothing prepared him for the sheer STRESS of being the main character as well as helping out the younger kids, organising props and costumes AND choreographing (can confirm this is the worst and happened to me, it was HELL)

-So yeah, Felix loved musical theatre and was pretty much accepted straight away onto the college course bc of his bright personality and beautiful voice, not to mention he was pretty much an all rounder when it came to the industry so they were delighted to accept him

-However,,, felix missed the accommodation deadline so ended up messaging all the college facebook boards asking if anyone was looking for a flatmate or house share,,, it was chan who saw this and was like yes my son pls join me

-Chan and Felix have this weird father/son/best friend dynamic, like chan would always pack Felix with a lunchbox and water bc he knew that Felix would forget especially when he was rushing round bc he was nearly late for dance class but they also played video games and had wrestling matches in their dorm for ??? no reason ??

-One time Woojin walked in on them arm wrestling and he was like ??? is that how friendship is formed in Australia ??? how bizarre before helping himself to snacks as Felix lost and decided to flip Chan over taekwondo style and Woojin just watched as he munched on some Cheetos or something

-It was just a bit weird but they had come to accept it,,, besides Felix loved being looked after bc it meant he didn’t have to cook food or anything bc chan really enjoyed it lmao

-Felix’s favourite class by far was his dance class

-He was one of the star dancers of the group and loved to help out to choreograph routines for literally every dance number

-Like,, u need ballet for At The Ballet from A Chorus Line??? He’s got you covered. Jazz sequence for West Side Story? He got you COVERED

-He’s just a very talented boy,, though he admits that he may not be the best technically bc he hasn’t received formal dance training whilst at high school he just had the ability to pick up the dance quickly and wasn’t afraid to ask for help when he needed it

-Hell, he even dragged Minho after he finished class one day so he could get pointers on where  he could improve and Minho was like,,, fine but pls buy me coffee I’m DYING (yes Minho does have a coffee addiction,, it’s a problem tbh)

-Felix was an extremely talented kid but he got all shy whenever someone complimented his dancing, or his acting but ESPECIALLY his singing

-Bc even to this day,, he was still nervous about singing

-Like he knew he could sing,,, but in comparison to some of the other people on his course he wasn’t exactly the most confident in his singing ability

-He often went to the music practice rooms so he could practice his songs over and over again until his throat was sore and chan had to make him honey and lemon tea when he got back from practice

-Please protect this soft boy

-Also,,, you KNOW that the boys were his biggest fans whenever he was in shows

-His first project performance happened and he managed to get all of his friends tickets on the front row (how he did this was unknown to literally everyone bc it’s practically impossible)

-He was extremely nervous bc his friends had never seen him perform in a musical before and it was his FIRST college performance how could he not be nervous

-The project was a piece celebrating the different genres and songs from iconic musicals and Felix was the centre for the Rent portion

-(But can you just imagine Felix in Mark’s red and blue knitted sweater and wearing circle glasses whilst he dances to La Vie Boheme??? Okay it would be the best thing ever convince me otherwise)

-He needn’t have been worried bc as soon as he stood on stage and the music kicked in, he was Mark Cohen singing about the death of Bohemia and jumping around the stage like he was born to be there

-He doesn’t remember much of that performance bc he was whisked off stage to prepare for another song but he does remember how the audience (read: the boys) screamed his name as he ran off stage

-The rest of the show went incredibly well and as he came out for his bow, he saw Chan wiping a stray tear as Jeongin laughed at him and Felix had to stop himself from feeling the urge of crying bc his hyung was

-They waited for him as he collected all of his belongings from backstage, too lazy to wipe his makeup off figuring he could just do it home

-When he stepped into the auditorium, all 8 of them pulled him to a bone crushing hug for a good 5 minutes before he literally had to push them off him so he could BREATHE

-Chan pulled him for one more hug, mumbling into his neck about how proud he was of Felix and damn,,, Felix nearly started crying

-It wasn’t until Chan was prompted to let go off him so they could give him his flowers (Changbin claims he was coerced into it when he gave them to him but u know that he went and sought out the best flower shop the day before so they could get the flower bouquet ready for the next day uwu)

-Felix laughed when Changbin handed over the smile and just tapped his cheek, tilting it towards Changbin

-Changbin BLUSHED like hell before giving Felix a peck on the cheek

-Felix would like to go on record to say no he did not squeal happily when Seo Changbin kissed his cheek thank you that is a LIE

-Anyway all the other boys just hollered at them except Minho and Jeongin bc,,, affection??? No thank u

-After they had their little celebration, Chan and Woojin announced that they were taking them out for bbq bc of how well Felix performed and they all whooped in excitement, honestly thrilled that mum and dad were taking them out for food

-Jisung, walking to the bbq place: thank every deity under the sun I’ve not eaten a proper meal since I left home 4 months ago

-Minho: well, this might be your last

-Jisung: :O

-Minho: :)

-Legend has it that the 9 boys who entered the restaurant nearly fully cleared out the entire restaurant’s kitchen but it has yet to be confirmed, reports say, stay tuned in to see if it ever does (hint: it doesn’t)

-Your first meeting with Felix is very different and honestly, you wish to erase it from your memory

-You were part of the musical theatre department, focusing on the backstage aspect with particular focus on lighting and sound

-You knew of Felix, bc how could you not, but you never worked with him beyond getting prompts from the director as to when to light him or turn his mic on

-As much as Felix wanted to go and meet all the backstage crew when they were practicing all together it just wasn’t feasible bc he could not justify running to the sound box just to say hi right in the middle of practice

-And he didn’t have any time in between classes bc your classes were on at the same time as his

-The only time he got to at least have some form of greeting was when he waved at you so you could see what he looks like for your lighting cues

-Felix was sad bc he wanted to say hi and wish everyone good luck for the upcoming performance but he couldn’t as he was rushed off his feet with rehearsals and class bless his soul

-After the performance finished, some of the practical course students asked the backstage crew if they’d like to go to karaoke once they had tidied up

-Everyone agreed, tho u weren’t actually there bc you were in the lightbox above the stage but once you got there all your friends were like !!!!!! Y/N THEY INVITED US TO KARAOKE YOU HAVE TO COME

-You just rolled your eyes and let yourself be dragged towards the karaoke rooms

-At first, you were a bit awkward bc you had never hung out with the actual musical theatre kids as you mainly stuck with ur lighting crew buddies but you were willing to give them a chance

-The first few songs were a little bit serious and you were kinda bored so you went up to the machine and were like “let’s liven up the place a bit”

-Well it was at this point that Felix walked into the room, late bc he was going through some notes with the director, and saw you on top of the table screaming your lungs out to American Idiot whilst everyone screamed along with you

-Well Felix wasn’t one to ignore a party esp when Green Day was playing so he grabbed the other microphone from Jihyo’s hand and began to scream along with you

-You grinned, grabbing his hand and pulling him onto the table with you

-The two of you jammed out and nearly broke it but honestly,,, it was worth it bc you got to hear Felix’s beautiful laugh for yourself uwu

-When the song finished the two of you were just stood on the table panting and grinning wildly at each other before he hopped off and offered you his hand so you could get off the table my HEART

-Felix pulled you over to the sofa and introduced himself to you

-“I’m Felix, musical theatre student”

-“I’m Y/N, also a musical theatre student but not practical, I work backstage but you would probably find me in the lighting box or the sound booth”

-“OH I remember you, you did the lighting for the dance performance today right?” he asked excitedly

-“Yes I did” you couldn’t help but grin back at him,,, bc hello is smile is beautiful and contagious as hell!!!

-The two of you chatted as best as you could over the sound of Jihyo and Youngjae crooning another love song down the microphones

-You just shook your head, gesturing Felix over to the machine so he could pick a new song

-Well,,, he interrupted the love fest and the sound of Wonderwall bled through the speakers and you started crying in laughter as Felix introduced the song “so anyway here’s Wonderwall”

-The two of you did a very dramatic re-enactment of the song and Felix couldn’t help but smile when you were basically screaming down the microphone during the chorus

-Your friends just watched in part hate,,, bc hello its Wonderwall and part admiration bc how the hell could two people who have only just met do such an in-sync performance of a well hated song????

-Magic, Youngjae told Jaebum as they both watched in disgust as you threw yourselves across the room in some form of contemporary dance??? Youngjae definitely didn’t know what he was witnessing but he wasn’t sure he liked it

-So anyway the night ends with relatively few casualties, only one broken glass that Dowoon  managed to cut himself on and Jae somehow managed to lose his voice???? But other than that,,, it was a fun night

-As people parted ways, Felix noticed you walking the other way and he quickly ran after you throwing goodbyes to whoever was left

-“HEY Y/N WAIT UP!”

-You whipped around, not expecting Felix to be running after you

-Like,, wtf?

-You waited for Felix to catch up with you before you asked him why he ran after you

-“I just,,,, wanted to make sure you got home safely and besides I live this way too so I thought we could walk together!”

-You just smiled at his bright response and the two of you walked back to your accommodation talking about literally every topic under the sun

-He told you all about Australia and his flatmate Chan

-Don’t tell anyone but Chan is actually CB97 from 3RACHA

-You mean the underground rap group that is supposedly made up 3 college students

-The very same

-DUDE THAT’S SO COOL YOU HAVE TO SNEAK ME IN ONE DAY I’VE BEEN TRYING FOR MONTHS YOU KNOW

-Let me into the lighting box and consider it done

-You have a deal Felix pleasure doing business with you

-(felix pulls through a few weeks later and the two of jam just a little too hard and seungmin is extremely embarrassed to say that he knew the two of you)

-As it turns out, you live in the same apartment block as Felix and he actually walked you to your flat just so he could make sure you got home safely n u were like,,,, mate it’s a bit too much but okay

-Felix began to walk away as you unlocked your door before you heard footsteps approach you and you quickly turned around, brandishing your keys in the assailants’ face

-The assailant, however, was Felix who just looked at you in shock before laughing

-“Well, least I know you’re capable of defending yourself haha”

-“You asshole oh my god you scared me what do you want from me?”

-“Your number”

-O H

-Felix was very straightforward huh, you thought as he took his phone out of his pocket and handed it you

-You punched in your number and handed it back to him

-All the while, Felix was just smiling at you bc HECK he found you cute

-Ever since that night you and Felix became fast friends and yes, you did let him into the lighting box and teach him how to operate the basics bc Felix was hella interested in all aspects of musical theatre not just being on the stage

-You admired that quality about him bc many of the other students just took lighting and sound for granted and just tapped their foot impatiently as you configured the mic pack to the sound booth before handing it to them

-Not Felix though

-He would make conversation with you and even let you secure his microphone properly and you won’t lie that you felt yourself getting a little flustered as you hooked the mic round his ears and as you pulled back to see if it needed adjusting he was just smiling softly at you

-HECK

-Felix found you super cute when you were concentrating and he got distracted once as you were fixing the lights on stage than Jihyo had to literally smack the back of his head bc he was too focused on you lmao

-In his spare time he often begged you to let him see your notes for lighting and sound bc he was genuinely curious and wanted to see if he could figure out what all the codes were

-You just threw the script at him and told him to stop pestering you or else you would stop stocking up on timtams

-Felix never did pester you again, his love of timtams got the better of him

-So yeah,, you and Felix were hella close now

-You even found yourself going on “dates” (that’s what your friends called them, dismissing your protests claiming it was just a friends thing) with him

-And by dates, I mean the two of you went shopping together and had dinner afterwards, going to coffee shops and hell you even let Felix practice new makeup on you so he could improve his skills

-Felix,,, why the hell have you literally painted my whole damn face with cat features!

-We’re studying CATS okay let me LIVE

-I know for a fact you’re not bc literally yesterday you told me that your focus in class at the moment was Starlight Express and the last time I checked,,, that was about trains and people on roller skates not CATS

-You,,,, you’ve got me there I’m sorry

-Anyway,, before you knew it you found yourself falling hopelessly for Felix

-It didn’t help that you were preparing for the final musical of the year and you were practically assigned to work with Felix

-(You can bet your right sock that the rest of the lighting crew were in on this as they snickered whenever you were testing a new microphone with Felix and you began to blush, causing Felix to ask you if you were feeling okay and your crew were like GET IT Y/N)

-Little did you know that Felix was crushing on you as well bc well,,, everything you did was a distraction and he found himself thinking about you practically every day

-His class mates had noticed and told the lighting crew and they were like UGH FINALLY YOU NOTICED and they made a betting pool to see who would confess first

-Most bets were on Felix tbh, he was a loud outgoing kid so he probably had more guts do it than you

-Only a few lone members of the lighting crew stayed loyal to you bc they had a hunch you would confess at the end of the show

-Ah the show,,,

-It’s always stressful preparing for the show and Felix had ended up with the part of Enjolras in their production of Les Miserables

-The two of you were rushed off your feet bc the rehearsal process was actual HELL and it was hell both on stage and offstage

-Like Felix had to learn a whole new type of musical, with very little dance in it, and he was stressed bc he didn’t think he was doing a good job of portraying his character

-Whilst you,,, had the horrible task of designing lighting for an entire show (how you had ended up with that horrible task was beyond you but here you were, wishing for the show to be over so this hell would STOP)

-But alas,, the weeks running up the first performance were crazy and you barely had time to even text Felix bc half of your day was spent running through lighting with the crew and the other half was spent correcting your errors bc the director was a grouchy piece of work n nothing was perfect

-You missed spending time with Felix bc he could make you feel happy and relaxed with just a smile but every time you saw him offstage he seemed,,, a little off and distracted

-Just as you were about to go and ask if he was okay, you were whisked away by one of the sound people bc one of the mics weren’t working

-You never forgot the look on his face though

-Before you knew it, opening night was upon you and the theatre was in full work mode getting everything into position ready for when the audience came in

-Before the actors had arrived however, you snuck in backstage and dropped off a small bouquet of flowers onto Felix’s makeup station with a note that read “I’m sure you’ve got this Apollo”, a bottle of water and a timtam that had strict instructions to eat AFTER the show

-You giggled as you saw Felix wandering round with a small smile on his face, twiddling the note in his fingers unsure of who this was

-Throughout the performance your eyes were drawn to Felix almost like a magnet bc he was captivating as the leader of the revolution and tears actually started to trickle down your face as he sang Do You Hear the People Sing

-Like,,, you were so damn proud of how he was performing considering literally yesterday he was moping around

-As the show week progressed you left bigger bouquets of flowers with different encouraging notes and snacks on them and every day you saw Felix’s smile grow wider and his performance grow stronger

-As the final night rolled around you decided that today was the day

-You were going to confess your feelings to Felix

-You didn’t leave flowers this time, just a note that read

-If you want to know who I am, find me after the show. I’ll be the one with the bouquet of red roses love XXXX

-When Felix read this he was extremely nervous bc all week he had hoped for some sign as to who it was yet all of a sudden they were going to just reveal themselves?

-He didn’t know how he was going to react but secretly,,, he hoped it was you and if it wasn’t he wasn’t sure how he was going to react

-So anyway,, the show went on and by the end of it the whole audience was in tears

-When the actors came on for their individual bows you heard Felix’s friends literally roaring his name,, and was that Changbin holding a Felix banner and standing in his seat??

-When the bows for the technical team were happening you ended up locking eyes with Felix and he was just grinning at you, even as they moved around the theatre

-The final bow happened and you cracked your fingers, knowing it was time

-You bid the rest of your crew goodbye before picking up a bouquet of roses that were underneath the desk and they were like !!!!!! omg they’re going to do it?!?! And you just grinned, pressing a finger to your lips and sneaking out into the main auditorium

-You were slightly nervous bc heck,,, his best friends were here as well and they knew you and if they saw you they would not shut up

-They saw you anyway but Chan had literally choked Felix out to stop him from yelling at you and the rest of the boys were kinda scared so they just left you alone,, wondering if you were going to confess to Felix bc quite honestly,,,, they were sick of Felix’s pining over you lmao

-Before you knew it, the actors began spilling out into the auditorium and your heart began to beat rapidly, waiting for Felix to appear

-When he did you gasped a little bc honestly,, how dare he look so good with his blonde hair all curled and slight traces of makeup still around his eyes with a tired smile on his eyes

-You saw his eyes dart around the room, undoubtedly looking for the red roses you had told him about

-He eyes lit up and started to walk towards you so you decided to remove the flowers from your face

-Felix’s eyes literally widened and his pace picked up

-You just smiled before literally running to him and throwing yourself around his body and kissing him square on the lips

-W O W

-You didn’t plan on doing that but it worked I guess

-The whole auditorium burst into raucous applause, finally glad that the two of you had gotten together after literally almost a year of pining like wtf guys come on

-Chan wiped a tear before motioning to the other boys to go over to the two of you

-You had broken the kiss and were resting your heads together, giggling when the boys approached you uwu

-“So, Y/N you’re finally dating Felix hyung? Took you long enough” jeongin stated bluntly

-“JEONGIN YOU CANT JUST ASK THEM THAT JE-“

-“yes we are dating” Felix said, kissing your temple softly and wrapping an arm around your waist and the other one cradling the bouquet of roses you gave him

-DATING FELIX:

-Oh god it’s a whole MESS dating this boy istg

-Like where to even begin

-For a start, he’s even more smiley and insufferable during class bc he’s like yeah I’m dating the cute lighting technician whilst u Jackie are dating??? Who again exactly? I lost count after you dumped Jaebum bc you found Mark more attractive but then Mark refused to date you bc ??? I forgot tbh

-He literally runs his mouth too much that you literally had to fly from your class to his so you could slap a damn over his mouth so he would shut up

-He didn’t mean to be mean but honestly,,,, he was just saying what the whole class was thinking n you were like babe, I know Jackie is like that but pls keep your mouth shut otherwise if Jackie comes for you I refuse to help you

-B A B E

-Oh yeah, felix definitely calls you babe more than your actual name which makes seungmin fake vomit into his work every time he hears felix call you that

-You just stick your tongue out and call Felix baby and right that’s it Seungmin is transferring college bc he’s SICK of all the affection going round atm

-Date nights are mainly just movie nights bc you and felix are so damn tired all the time after class and there’s nothing better than cuddling him after a long day of class

-Whilst the film is playing you like to lay on half on top of him so you can see his face as he lazily tells you about the ballet workshop he went to that morning

-You just loved listening to him talk and you also liked to rest your head on his chest, feeling relaxed by the steady lull of his heartbeat and the way his chest moved up and down

-More often than not you would fall asleep like this and Chan would find you there at 2am when he went to get a glass of water and he would throw another blanket over you, tucking you in so you didn’t get cold during the night

-(You never did bc Felix is the literal embodiment of the sun in two ways,,, his personality and his damn body heat)

-Also hear me out,, you would take felix to the lighting box on weekends and teach him new lighting methods and you loved watching him being a giddy child when he got it right that you would reward him with kisses whenever he did bc it made the both of you giggle

-Honestly,,, kissing felix? A blessing you weren’t quite sure you deserved though he assured you everyday that you did bc he was always kissing ur forehead, nose, cheeks u name it

-One thing you loved doing was gently tracing the freckles on his face before lightly peppering them with kisses

-It made Felix blush like CRAZY but he loved it bc it was you and you were being cute as heck

-Other date nights included karaoke with the boys and the two of you confusing all of them when you yelled that your song was playing when Wonderwall came on

-Woojin,,, are they being serious right now?

-You know Chan, I really wish I knew

-Study dates weren’t really a thing the two of you did bc you were on such a practical course with not much studying,, but you still liked to go to coffee shops and rehearse lines with him when he had a show coming up or accompanying him to the dance studio when he had a dance project due in

-You being Felix’s biggest fan? Confirmed.

-Going along to every single one of Felix’s taekwondo matches and yelling alongside Changbin as Felix flipped his opponent over??? OF COURSE

-Though, people always wondered which one of you was actually dating Felix until Felix ran over to you and kissed you on the lips and not Changbin lmao

-You always greeted Felix with a bouquet of red roses at the end of each of his performances and he still blushed bc he still couldn’t believe you confessed before he did

-So he decided to reverse the situation and surprised you with flowers during the bows of the last night of one his shows

-Like,,, he called the lighting crew down under the pretence of giving them praise but the ulterior motive,,,, he gave you flowers on stage and then kissed your cheek UWU

-The two of you were the powerhouse couple of the theatre department that everyone was envious of bc you just understood each other so well???? Not to mention between the two of you, you could literally run an entire theatre by yourselves and still have sold out shows

-Just wow,,, you were THAT couple

hi i would like a lee felix pls he’s cute as HECK and i just wanna compliment his freckles till the end of my days goodbye x

[shuukyoku-no-dolls]

Shuukyoku no Dolls Volume 4: Rolf Translation

IMPORTANT: Please do not repost or take our translations elsewhere without asking for permission and giving proper credits! We hope you’ll enjoy reading this and if you’re interested, please purchase the CD in the official stores to support both Rejet and the series! We will not provide any audios from the CD

Special thanks and heartfelt gratitude to @megane-daisuki for helping us out with the translations!

Track 1 – High-Class Doll

[00:00] At a time where coal was prominent in the city, people hurriedly began their days with the ringing of cathedral bells and saying their morning prayers. In the busy city, there was a place which caught everyone’s attention regardless of their social status. That was Coppelia. There, the Sterne Dolls that were gathered by the head of the company, Bellemere, received customers. Dancing and singing onstage in the same way that a human with life can do, they put on a magnificent and splendid show of great reputation that amazes anyone who sees it. Naturally, it was only a momentary illusion. At the end of the show, reality awaits and the Sterne Dolls become simple dolls offstage. Although they know that the dolls are a fantasy, people fall in love with them and return to the theatre on their own account. For those who crave for a dream, it is precisely such fantasy which is the happiest reality

*chime of bells*

[02:01] *sighs* Do you still have this chair here? When will the new Stella that I ordered arrive? It will be late by then! It has been three days since I arrived. If I asked for it during the afternoon on the same day I arrived, why are they taking so long? My owners have gotten special items for me from one day to another. With your status, could you not make the craftsman hurry? *sighs again* It’s not a complaint; it’s a demand. Do you know how lucky you are in this current situation? You still don’t understand? You have been given the opportunity to spend time with me, the star Sterne Doll of the incredibly popular puppet show, Coppelia. You were moved at the end of the show the other day, weren’t you? You witnessed the frenzy of fantasy. Do you not think that being able to spend time with the doll that was onstage is a joy worthy of tears and rejoicing? What’s going on? You won’t tell me that you still can’t believe it, will you? In this world, the existence of curses and enchantments is normal. To tell the truth, the Sterne Dolls, which are considered exquisite dolls, have souls. Therefore, I don’t think it is very strange that they can move and speak with their own will. In fact, you’re talking to me right now so accept it once and for all

[04:11] Then why do you have that obvious expression of disagreement? Hah? I’ve already explained that to you, too. Giving a Sterne Doll as a gift is just a whim of the head of the company. If he feels like doing it, then he will do it. Although the stay is one week, I would like you to not believe that I have come here by my own free will. Being forced to spend time in this very narrow room, I felt dejected as soon as I saw the house. You’re the rude one here. As expected, you don’t understand. Listen here, up until now I have always belonged to famous aristocrats and I had been treated royally. My value resides in being beautifully elaborated which makes me a high-class doll. In other words, you should be grateful that they presented me to you and treat me with dignity. I cannot stay for a long period of time sitting on this hard chair. That’s why I urgently need a more comfortable chair. My body is made of precious materials. Mild wounds can be repaired without a problem but if I get scratched, they may not be able to repair me. Be careful while handling me *slaps your hand away* Leave. I’d rather not have you touch me with those filthy hands of yours

[06:13] I’m saying that a human who is a commoner with an extent of consciousness should not be touching me so familiarly. If you want me to sit on the sofa, then you should just say it with your mouth instead of touching me every single time. To put it in human terms, you and I are of different lineages. I’m spending a week with you only because the head of the company ordered me to. I do not intend to strengthen ties. Don’t forget it. What is it? Ooh, is that your impression of the show from the other day? The play was wonderful but I didn’t interest you in particular. Do you mean that I caused you the same impression as the others did? Hahaha… I see. You sure have the courage to tell me that straightforwardly after I’ve taken the trouble to come. My presence does not rejoice you and you don’t attend to my demands. You’re the first human of your kind that I know. Be quiet. You just have to listen to me in silence. You have a lack of charm. Very good. Then I will make you listen to me obediently

[08:07] Do you remember another Sterne Doll called Dietrich? We were produced under the same model. We are doll brothers decorated to match. Many owners have been captivated by our beauty and have consecrated their love to us, to the point of destruction. That’s right. They were so dazzled that in order to fill us with their love, they abandoned their families and work without regard. Their honour, family ties and even the memories with their partner, everything was pushed aside. They lost everything for devoting themselves to us and fell into ruin. That’s not all. When we changed owners, there was always a calamity involved. When I realised it, I was already called ‘demon doll’ with a story to prove it. I have a special power, too. No, it is even more special than having a soul. Are you curious? Don’t worry, you’ll experience it soon enough on your own skin. I can use an enchantment to erase a human’s precious memories and I’m going to be using it on you. Don’t underestimate me just because I’m a doll

[10:25] You’re a loud woman. I have to touch you in order to use the enchantment. With this, a curse has been imposed on you. The next time you ignore my words, your precious memories will disappear one by one. Whether they are memories with your family or with your friends, I don’t know which ones will disappear but we can test it out. Die for me. Hmm… since you have evaded my order, one of your memories have disappeared. They fade away in order from the newest. Ah, speaking of that, do you write a diary during the night? To know if a memory has disappeared or not you just need to corroborate it in your diary. So? Something you don’t remember is written down, isn’t it? You believe me already? If you don’t want to lose any more valuable memories, obey my orders without question

Track 2 – After the Dance

[00:00] Since everything is ready, I’m going out. Are you still reading your diary? No matter how many times you read it, your lost memory will not return. More importantly, do something with the living room before I come back. I don’t like the sofa or the curtains, nor the carpet. Do you not care if another memory of yours is erased? It is in exchange for waiting until tomorrow for the chair. Change everything I mentioned before for a more serene design. If you don’t have enough money, then ask Coppelia for it. I’ll be back in the evening. Today is the rehearsal for our next performance. Didn’t I tell you? From the day after you saw the performance, the rehearsals for the next one begun. It has already been announced in the theatre. As it’s the musical program of another work which we’ve done before, it doesn’t require many rehearsals. The staging is in four days’ time. I’m leaving. Be sure to remodel

[01:48] Ooh? It’s decorated to my liking. Not bad. You’ve passed the test. What’s wrong? I complimented you. Rejoice more. You truly lack charm. Anyways, I want to eat. Make the preparations. Hey, the soup is too hot. I can also perceive sensations. Although I can’t burn myself, the feeling of heat is unpleasant. Add milk to cool it. Excuse me? Do you know what will happen if you complain? You’ve already experienced it and yet, you still dare to complain

[03:32] Ahh, has it finally arrived? It’s alright. It has the proper softness when I sit on it. With this, I can eat without worrying about the hardness of the seat. Though it has been too much to wait for four days for my order to arrive *sighs* I’m fine like this. I don’t feel like sitting down. Above all, can you waltz? Answer me. Can you or can you not? *sighs again* Well, it was to be expected. It’s predictable from someone of a lower class. However, since it was an order from the head of the company, I have no choice. Today, he made an announcement during the rehearsal. It seems that he will be adding a small scene in the next performance. At the time of the climax, there will be a dance scene and we have to choose our dance partners from amongst the audience. It seems that it will be a waltz. That’s right. We, the Sterne Dolls, will call out someone from the spectators and they will go onstage to dance. The head of the company who’s fond of jokes planned this in favour of the attendees. We cannot go against his orders no matter how absurd it is. I dislike the idea of choosing an unknown female companion. I will reluctantly make you my partner. I’m not interested in your opinion. All the attendees think that we’re manipulated by an external force. The waltz is the repetition of pre-established movements so there shouldn’t be any problems. But making an unnecessary movement would mean trouble. With all of that, you are the least complicated option. Do you understand? Be my partner. If you refuse, you know what awaits you

[06:30] That’s good. We’ll have to rehearse immediately, then. We still have time. Come on. What do you think you’re doing? Let’s get into position. We’ll begin. One, two… Ugh— You… It’s really an absurdity that someone like you can touch me. To step on me is an unforgivable discourtesy. Don’t forget it. The next time it happens, you will not get away with an apology. One more time. Wrong. Your right foot is one tempo off. Again. You’re neglecting your left foot now. You’re even more clumsy than I expected. You will be dancing with me. I won’t allow a clumsy waltz. We’ll rehearse until we perfect it. Don’t shout. We’re rehearsing from the beginning. One, two…

[08:16] A dance will soon be held in the Royal Palace. I must go. You’ll also go, won’t you? Ah, speaking of which, have you heard about the rumour? What do you want? As you can see, they have modified the script of the next presentation I’m rehearsing for. No, I don’t have insomnia. What about you? After the practice, you went to your room with trembling legs. I thought you were asleep. I see. Then go now. There’s no water in my room. Pay me no mind. The dance lessons with you are so that the quality of the play does not decay. You’re stubborn. Dolls don’t die if they don’t sleep. When it comes to moods, it’s fatigue and drowsiness that makes us want to rest. When another function is given, it’s not enough to do the same as the previous time. The goal is to do it better. This is not the time to talk about tiredness. Ha, what’s that? Quite a childish assessment. Is it not calling me a hard-worker a term used by children? For starters, an evaluation by you does not give me any satisfaction. Don’t say anymore nonsense and go. You’re thirsty, right? I already told you that I won’t die from the lack of sleep. Your solicitude is unrequired

Track 3 – An Irrational Order

[00:00] Good morning. I didn’t plan on staying up all night but I soon realised it was morning. Not really. That… I simply cannot remember the new script just yet. I wasn’t distracted because I was sleepy. Hmm? What happened? You’ve made soup today this early, how unusual. Since you made it is most probably boiling hot again. Ehh, so did remember it. Yes, it’s perfect. Next time, don’t forget to make it at this temperature

[01:27] I finished up early. If I rehearsed until nightfall at the theatre, there would be no time to practise with you. Let’s begin. Hurry up. I’m not upset at you. Hurry. I told you it’s none of your business. Stop asking unnecessary questions. You must behave as I tell you. Ugh, are you disobeying me again? Why don’t you listen to what I tell you? Do you not mind losing another memory? You don’t want that, right? Then obey my orders without any objections. I’m craving to eat a pomegranate. Go get it. If you do, I’ll pretend that you didn’t say anything a moment ago. That doesn’t concern me. It’s your punishment for challenging me. Whether is the right season or not you must bring me some. If you search the entire city, you should at least find one. If you don’t do it, you know what will happen

[03:14] You took a long time. It’s already dark. Did you bring the pomegranate? Eeh… see? If you try hard enough, you can achieve it. Where did you find it? Ah, in that forest far from the city. No wonder you took so long. Oh? What happened to your arm? You have a wound. Was it because you did something reckless to finally get the fruit? Are you stupid? Although I have never climbed a tree, it’s obvious that it isn’t easy. If it was on a high branch, you should have looked for something that would serve as a platform or you should have used a stick to reach it. Did you not have any other options? If you had fallen for climbing the tree in a hurry there would have been no one to help you. What a stupid thing. Why do you go to such lengths? Do you want to protect your memories so much? Are they so important? You wouldn’t miss them anyways *sighs*. Whatever. You can’t rehearse with a bloody arm. You have to treat it *licks your arm* Stay still. Humans and animals clean the wound first, don’t they? That’s why I’m cleaning it *licks again* Is that enough? What’s next? I see. So humans use medicine, too

[06:25] What are you doing? Give it to me. I’ll do it. It’s irritating to see you do it so inefficiently. What’s more, an incomplete treatment won’t help. I should wrap the wound with this, right? Stretch out your arm. Don’t misunderstand. I’m doing it because we’re short of time. You don’t need to thank me. I recognise your effort to bring me the pomegranate. Finding it in this season is a feat. It’s because you didn’t listen to my words. If you have obeyed since the beginning, none of this would have happened. If you thought I’d get mad all the more reason for obeying instead of insistently asking questions. Tch, you’re stubborn. Very well. I’ll tell you since you’re desperate to hear it

[08:12] The dance scene has dialogues assigned before and after it. The post dance dialogue is more important than the ones before the dance. All this while, the head of the company doubted whom to assign them to. In today's announcement, Dietrich stayed with the most important dialogues. I was assigned the dialogue before the dance during the search for my partner. That is to say, the doll that gets the best praise is my younger brother and I must content myself with being the second. How pathetic. It was always like this, him stealing the applause and affection. I told you that as brothers we always had the same owners, right? In fact, Dietrich is slightly more extravagant than me. Is that why he has always been more treasured than me? When we arrived with the head of the company, it was the same. Is it because he is more charming that roles are assigned to him just like today? Even though I practice more seriously, I can’t make a perfect performance. Ha, I've said too much. That’s all for today. Forget what I told you. Tch. Then pretend I didn’t say anything. What are you laughing at? Hah? Cute? What thing? Do not be insolent! There is no way you can understand how I feel. My pride is hurt, you say? To be loved, longed and flattered are things that represent the value of a doll. Don’t put in cheap words the feeling that overwhelms me when all of that is snatched by the younger brother who is always by my side. Eh? Haha, you made quite an affirmation. Saying it is easy, but doing so, can you? Certainly, if we dance better than anyone, the best compliments will be for me. I would even steal all the attention from Dietrich... However, with your current ability it is impossible

[11:38] If you're willing to do so much then I have no choice but to accompany you. But how much can you improve in two days? It is something worth seeing. Yes, I will teach you. It’s true. I'm the one who has rehearsed the most to put on a perfect show. I will make you dance a perfect waltz. Pull out your chest and straighten your back. Do not concentrate so much on the turnings of the feet. Be confident and take the steps without hesitation. Leave the rest to me. We will hide the mark of your wound under gloves, don’t worry. Alright, eyes to the front

Track 4 – An Ephemeral Relief

[00:00] Yes, I just returned. The rehearsal ended without any incident. It's the same as the last presentation. Well, the dance scene is the only challenge of the presentation. I can only practice with you today and tomorrow before the staging so let's start at once. Hmm, you have achieved the right posture. Continue like this

[00:58] Alright, let's rest for a moment. You are already sweating with so little exercise. The human body is impractical. Hmm? What's with this music? Is it a call for something? It seems to come from the nearby park. Street performance? Ah, it's a strange travelling stage with extravagant-looking humans. Do you want to go? I understand, let's go. Let's leave the daytime practice here. We’ll continue at night. You have improved considerably. It doesn’t make sense to dance to exhaustion. You have to survive the day before and the appointed day. Don’t thank me and go get yourself prepared. I’ll wait for you here. What is going on with me? It’s not like me to have considerations towards others. Well, today is the sixth day. She does not know anything but tomorrow I will have to steal her soul. Her destiny is to become a doll. I don’t see the harm in at least making good memories in the end. For her, memories are precious

[03:09] There are many people. Is the street performance so popular? Obviously. Do not compare it with Coppelia. Although they are not as popular as we are, I understand that they have their own popularity. Hmm? Oh, don’t worry. They have not realised my identity, right? For everyone, I'm just an elaborate doll. At most they’ll make a fuss over seeing a human so much alike. It will be enough to just ignore them. Is it over there? Come on. What is this crowd of people? We can’t see the show like this. Hey, do not yank me. Aah, it can be seen from this spot. That… what’s happening? What is that man trying to do? Magic? *applause from the crowd* Ohh, pretty well done. The bird disappeared into the cage in an instant. Huh? The bird, where did it come from? It's certainly an interesting trick. Hah, impossible. A person cannot float... Huh?! This man is good…

[05:32] Certainly, there were vapid things but the performance before was relatively interesting. However, the exterior of this store was not bad but the interior is deficient. Especially these chairs. They will make the customers feel uncomfortable from the hardness. It does not matter even if the food is good. You are rude. I say it because it is a fact that they are uncomfortable. I demand that you leave that attitude of "I already knew that you would complain about the chairs as soon as you saw them". Why are you laughing? To begin with, it was because you looked like you wanted to enter that we actually did, and yet you take that attitude. Are you listening to me? Seriously? You forget your haughty attitude as soon as they put a plate of food in front of you *sighs* Whatever. Quickly eat and let's go. We need to go back to practice at night

[07:03] Did you enjoy the break? I see. Then treasure the memory

Track 5 – Dance of One Night

[00:00] The function will start at night. We will leave the house in the afternoon. What’s wrong? Are you nervous? You have a rigid face. We practised in the morning, didn’t we? If you dance like you did then, everything will be fine. It would be a problem if you made a mistake because of nervousness so calm down.  Aah, it's probably the merchant that I called. You'll know when you see it. Come on. Put it in the room

[01:06] Hmm. Alright, do we start at once? It's the attire for the show today. They are different outfits for the both of us. This much of variety is at least needed for us to be able to choose. Let's take a look. The selection requested by the head of the company is not bad. What dress do you want? Hmm, a matching outfit? Certainly. Do women like that? Choose the outfit you like. My clothes will be... this one. Aah, this tuxedo goes with this tie. Hmm, you've already learnt my preferences. So? Have you already decided with which one will you wear? It can’t be help. I will choose. Let's see. Considering the colour of your skin and hair, this is the one. The design has impact so it is suitable for a scenario. Use this, too. If it has no accessories, you have to put one on. The design is appropriate, a pomegranate red gemstone. It’s decided, you will wear this pendant. Only the earrings and gloves are left. With this, you are ready. Go change. I will, too

[03:40] Ooh? My choice was the right one. It is the best possible combination. You like it, don’t you? But of course. I know what suits me best without you telling me so. I have not forgotten to tie it. I just thought there would be no problem if I tied it later. It's time. Let’s go

"Alright. Shall we begin the dance? There are many people who have gathered in the castle in search of a night’s dream. Forget everything. The waltz is a world in bloom. Behold! The maidens' eyes are fixed on us. Are they waiting for someone's invitation? Me? Yes, I want to invite the beautiful lady with the red pendant sitting over there. Give me your hand"

[05:48] Hmm. The others have also chosen their partners in advance after all. It surprises me too much that everyone has made preparations. But nothing will change. You are the most beautiful. Leave it to me; I will lead perfectly

"Let's start the greatest feast of one night only"

Aah, everyone is watching us. Without a doubt, we are the ones who shine the most on stage. Dance until you are satisfied. For you, this is also a one night feast

Track 6 – Both Memory and Mind

[00:00] That’s right. The response from the public was good. The head of the company must be celebrating with a smile the great success right now. *gets shocked* That’s quite a change of mentality. Even though in the beginning, you returned me and it was with reluctance that you welcomed me, you’re thanking me now. If you say it was fun, then it was a great success. There are certainly not many opportunities to dance in front of an audience of that size and receive their applause. It has been a good memory, has it not? What is it? Do you want to upset me again? I just said it; you initially thought I was proud and unpleasant. *is shocked again* You... You should have said it from the beginning. As a lofty puppet, it is natural to perfectly fulfil my assignments and meet expectations. Even if it is an irrational order, I will spare no efforts. Although you're not my mistress, I do not dislike it you recognising my effort. Also, it's a blessing that you do not consider me an unpleasant gift

[01:50] Today is my last day here. Had you forgotten? I told you from the beginning that my stay would be one week. Don’t worry. There is no need to feel alone. We’re not parting ways anyway. *sighs* Honestly, I considered you to be an insolent woman who does not pay attention to what people say. You were the first problematic and firm-willed woman I know. But I could appreciate your determination and guts. All the women until now quickly became dependent on me and taking their soul was simple. You are the first in a long time with whom I spent the seven days. Listen quietly until the end. While we were together you went from irritating to interesting in a way. You aroused my interest. If we had known each other under different circumstances, we could continue to live together here. We would have spent pleasant days, arguing from time to time. But that is something that will not happen. I have a task that the head of the company assigned to me and I must fulfil it

[04:03] That's the real goal of my stay here. It was a lie that the head of the company handed me over to you as a present on a whim. Before casting the spell to erase the memory, I had already put a curse on you from the first day I arrived, a curse to steal your soul. As soon as you are stripped of your soul you will become a doll. It is an immovable fact. It’s not a lie. I have stolen countless souls from young women like you. I will steal your soul in the same way. But first, stay still. It still hasn’t healed. However, this wound on your arm will be the only trace that you were ever human. In that case, I will make it more patent *bites your arm* Why do you refuse? It’s proof that you lived as a human. You treasured your memories, didn’t you? The days we spent here, the time we went to see the street performance and the waltz we danced onstage, everything will remain in your memory even when you have become a doll. However, in your appearance, there will be no proof that you were once human. That’s why I want to create one *bites your arm again*

[06:47] Blood is oozing from the wound again. It's very beautiful. Red like the pomegranates you went to pick up *licks your arm* Hehehe, it's sweet. The pomegranates were sweet, too, but your blood is much sweeter. Warm and sweet blood and soft skin are something that we Sterne Dolls do not have. Only humans have them. This gentle softness to the touch will turn into cold hardness when you become a doll. That is why I will record the sensation of your skin in my memory *sighs* It’s very comfortable. Your skin is warm and soft and now, the wound on your arm will be visible for eternity. With this, it should be enough. Don’t worry. I won’t leave you. I will always have you by my side *kisses you*

*you fall onto the ground*

[08:52] Aah, your soul is beautiful. Like a fire that burns peacefully and transparent. You can see and hear me, can’t you? Although you can hear my voice your soul has been claimed. Your mind and memories remain in your body. You will also be able to think. As a member of Coppelia, this is my duty. I will go and give your soul to the head of the company. It's a gross assignment for a high-class doll like me. Apparently, there is a human he wants to resurrect at all costs; therefore he is gathering an immeasurable number of souls. He will put your soul in the lifeless and rotten body of a woman. It may be squeezed because there will be many other souls already. I'm sorry, endure it. Souls need a container. I'll put it inside my body temporarily to take it away. The scar on your arm was clearly marked. Fufufu, I'm glad. It only belongs to you. It’s proof of what you once were. It will never be erased again. Every time I see this scar, I will remember this house and also the days I spent with you

[11:23] I will give your soul to the head of the company but I will keep your body. I’ll keep you next to me and I won’t hand you over to anyone. You are only mine. You will only hear my voice every day and you will spend your whole life observing me. I will reign over your senses and your memories. You will be full of me. We will live together forever