#if i call my mom i think she'd tell me i'm being silly for all of this

[samstclair]

Tony Soprano's Goomah

Tony Soprano X Reader

Anonymous Request -

Hiya Saint Samuel!!!!! So listen to this, I've just started Sopranos, you know, the HBO show? Anyway I've come to the conclusion that Tony is exactly my type. He's brought out an inherent and animalistic part of me I never realized was there in the first place. Like, a strong attraction to alpha men. I'm not that far in the show, but I love the idea of him taking me to dinner at Vesuvio's, you know, Artie's restaurant? I love that he supports his friend's small business when he's not busy blowing it up! So could you come up with an imagine about the date? Let me know!! Thank you!!!!

P.S. - I love your work but please keep this one short! It's gotta be a quickie before bed!

Word Count: not that long tbh

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"It's so gloomy out," you said, face souring as you looked out the window of your apartment. "It's always gloomy." 

"Um, where the fuck do you think we're at? It's New Jersey," your friend, Snooki, said. "That's why I only like the shore. It's different out there."

You smiled. Her thick Jersey accent always threw you off but it felt so warming. You forgot people actually talked like that. She'd come to visit you from the Shore to help you get ready for your little date. She was filming a season of her TV show, which you didn't completely understand, but nonetheless you were supportive cause you always supported your girls. That's just how being a girlie works. 

"So who's this guy anyway?" Snooki asked as she began to flat iron your hair, clouds of thick smoke rising from it as it fried your shit straight. "You're so like, secretive about him. You never ended up telling me."

You blushed, living for the idea of this little forbidden-esque romance you and Tony had. 

"I didn't tell you because I'd only just met you, I had to make sure you were a girl's girl first, you know?"

"And when was that?"

"When I found out you were down to help hide me go into hiding from the stupid ugly IRS men-in-black people, THAT'S when I knew."

She smiled to herself, she DID that. 

"Anyway, and I couldn't tell you over the phone cause you were on that stupid duck phone. I didn't want the show to be recording my business, silly," you said, "plus, those guy friends you have there are creeps. I don't want them knowing my business, either."

You shuddered at the thought of those overly-tan, Ed Hardy cologne smelling boys. You didn't trust them in the slightest. After one of them called you a grenade because they caught a glimpse a single stretch mark, you knew DAMN well they had never been connected to any basis of reality and therefore not REAL.

Except Paulie, you didn't really mind him, if you catch my drift if you catch the flow! ;). He was lowkey a girl's girl.

"So tell me now! I'm so over waiting!" she whined. She really was over it. You loved holding back information some times just to create a little suspense. A little of that never hurt no one never hurt a FLY.

"Well, what do you wanna know?" you smirked to yourself. 

"Is he Italian?"

"Oh, def."

"Is he tan?"

"Oh, no."

She suddenly stopped the ironing and gave you an annoyed look in the mirror. You knew that was a no-no in Snicker's book. "Then why are you wasting your time?"

"Because he's just hot, like, I don't know how to explain it," you really didn't. When you first met, you just found it odd how insanely attracted you were to him. You just were. It made you feel like a middle-aged mom. But who cares? EXACTLY! "He's low-key, rich, high-key. He works in like, garbage disposal or some shit."

"That's what they say when they're in the mafia." Snooki said, continuing to iron your hair. 

"I did my fair amount of business with Italians back in England, I know what the mafia looks like." Of that, you did. But that was your old life, you were supposed moving on. The Queen is dead, after all. Don't push! 

You wish you could tell your girlfriend more, but you had to remind yourself that you were under a different identity - as you mentioned before, the IRS are actually a bunch of Debbie downers and negative Nancies who wanna see you, just a girl, down. They hated seeing you, just a girl, succeed, and that's not cool or cute. They ran you out of the country once, but not again. You were a full, beer-blooded American and that's that. (if ur reading this and not American just pretend you are! Who wouldn't want to?!)

You met Tony through the Italian connections you had in England, and once you knew you had to escape back to America, they were the only allies you knew that could help smuggle you in like the cocaine in little baggies shoved up the asscracks of a flight attendee. If it weren't for that, New Jersey would have definitely NOT been the first place you had in mind to arrive in. 

Once the Italians brought you through, they directed you to this deli place called Satriale's after you moaned and groaned about your tummy rumbling. You kept joking that you were a different person when you were hungry, what you dubbed as the "hungry monster", over and over. Safe to say, the Italians soon grew increasingly uncomfortable with that and your other incoherent ramblings about food and decided you needed some gabagool. 

Let's just say - you went to absolute fucking town on those slices of meat and cheese. All those thoughts about becoming a vegetarian? Yeah, out the window they WENT. 

You assumed that none of those Italian-Americans knew that a girl could fucking eat, because they looked at you with both horror and confusion. Also, a little concernment. You also learned the complete difference between Italian and Italian-American, as if that horrendous atrocity that is your bff Snooki's Jersey Shore season 4 wasn't enough to learn from.

As you were munching away on what you were sure was only your third slice of 'salam' (salami), (it was actually your eleventh), the door swung open along with the little bell atop ringing. That wasn't what broke you out of your trance, no, no it would take a LOT for that to happen in the state you were in, but it was who....

"Hey, sweetheart, save some for the rest of us, huh?" He giggled, his other goons giggling behind him.

You looked up. You hated being spoken at while eating. It was really a trigger.

But there he was. Tony.

Tall, big, low-key balding, leather jacket and Goodwill's men section polo with some khaki pants, cigar in hand, under-sized gold rings and necklaces bulging, and a whiff of men's cologne (probably an Italian designer's).

You were stumped. Stunned. Stupefied.

So were they. They watched you, waiting for some sort of response whether it was verbal or physical. Instead, they were given your mega disassociation-state, blank expression, mouth full with a slice of meat in one hand and a slice of cheese in the other.

The entire deli went silent - it was literally as if there was a cowboy standoff going on like some Western film shit. A Spaghetti western here, perhaps?

"Fuck's wrong with her?" one of his minions asked. You later found out this was his wannabe Aaron Sorkin nephew Christopha.

"Hey, Ton', I think you broke the poor broad!" the other said, who had crazy white streaks of hair. This was his other minion, Paulie who giggled with the possible case of Tourette's syndrome.

"Ayyeeee, sweethaarrttt," the other said with a grumpy face and crazy hairline, (Silvio), "what's tha matta?"

You didn't know what the matter was. And honestly, neither did Tony.

All you two knew, is that you were both locked IN. What you didn't know at the time, was that he realized he had landed his eyes on one of the most beautiful, fine ass women he'd ever seen. And man was down BAD! Of course he was, girl, LOOK AT YOU!

(For realsies all respect to Carmela she did not deserve any of Tony's caca!)

"Who the fuck is this?" he finally asked, somewhat angrily. He wasn't angry, just taken aback someone had defied him as much as you did in that moment from that face off. And that's just the regular tone of how a lot of these people talked, which you ALSO later learned.

"I'm me," you said back.

The three minions behind him all raised their brows in shock. They couldn't conceive a girlie, like you, could sass just as hard back. That response ALWAYS worked.

And that was that. You two were history <3. 

You then met Snooki at a bar later that same night and she let you stay at the Jersey Shore house for a bit until Tony gave you enough money to get your own spot. And now, here you two were. Some full circle shit. 

So yeah back to your apartment WE'RE BACK AT THE APARTMENT!!

You were in the midst of a rant to Snooki about beefing with your hairstylist, the same lady who bleached your hair and unknowingly participated as an accessory to concealing your real identity from authorities. 

"...and so I was like, I want a bleach and tone, like can you do a bleach and tone for me please, like smiley face emoji and she was like tone? (question mark) and I was like, a bleach and tone, like, a bleach and tone, like a bleach and tone, like what do you mean tone, like? Like after you bleach it, can you tone it, like make it not brassy, and she was like 'oh oh I understand' and put, like, the blonde princess emoji and I was like, okay I'm glad you understand."

"What a fucking dumbass," Snooki laughed, finishing your hair. "I can just give you the number to my hairdresser, just let me know."

You heavily considered. A couple chunky stripe black highlights here and there? Some reverse raccoon shit? SHIT!!!

As she wrapped up, you admired yourself in the mirror. Your other girlfriend, JWoww, had done your makeup but had to leave early to let out her dogs at her house. She'd done the full Y2K trashy mcbling look - black smokey eye with glitter, heavy on the contour, thin ass brows and a nude lip. You looked like a Pamela Anderson variant and you were fucking it up! 

After taking some grainy ass photos on your hot pink bedazzled camera, Snooki hyping you up some more and pregaming with you before your date, you got a text! 

"I've got a text!" you said like a Love Islander. 

"Oh my god, is it from him?" Snooki asked, drinking the remnants of the Ron-Ron juice she made, the only good thing he's ever been associated with.

"Oh, fuck he's like - he's like here! He's here!" 

You ran towards your window and peeped your head through the blinds - he was indeed here in his red Chevy. A wave of anxiety flushed over you - but you weren't sure why? You were literally his 'goomar' or 'goomah' however you spell it and this definetly wasn't your first time on a date with him. But every time before one, you felt like you needed to shit yourself. He just made you all nervy! Like, that's a MAN RIGHT THERE!

"Oh, fuck Snooki," you said, frightened. "I think I need to go."

"You're kidding. You don't have time! You said he made a reservation, right?"

"Oh, I don't know. He just walks into anywhere and he automatically has a reservation for that exact time. You really think I can't go?"

"I mean, how fast can you go?"

You ended up going. And you were fast.

It was a quickie, definitely not ALL that needed to come out, but it was something for now. You knew your body too well. As you hit that flush lever thingie, you saw all your anxiety go down with it. You were ready, renewed, and refreshed. THOSE are the real three R's for saving the planet. You also smoked the last bit if your blunt, a 'roach' if you will, to see if that could calm your nerves. Spoiler - it didn't. Girl there was less than an inch left the fuck did you think that would do.

As Snooki was closing the front door, she yelled somewhat drunkenly "YOU'RE FUCKING HOT!" It definitely gave you a little pep in your step, to say the very least. Your heels clicked and clicked down that staircase, you felt like Rose in Titanic to Jack in that one scene.

Tony exited the car, admiring his view. Snooki was very right. You were eating it UP LIKE THAT BITCH!!

You had a slip on sequin dress, not too clubby but not too dressy, low-key classy and a little not too shabby? Your hair was all done up and your hoops dangled from your ears. You smelled of some sweet Nicki Minaj's body spray from TJ Maxx.

A cloud of cologne (a good cologne, one that you secretly stole for him also from TJ Maxx) hit you as you and Tony embraced. Even with your heels, he still stood over you like a fucking wall. You got why the gays love their bears. 

"How do I look, Tony?" you asked. You knew your answer you just fucked with compliments. 

"You look beautiful, hun. Like an old Hollywood actress. Let's get goin'." He opened the passenger's seat door for you like the gentleman he was and closed it behind you. Once he was in the driver's seat, you two were off. 

It was now Christmas time - so the aesthetic was KICKING! Lights were all around on people's houses and trees, the air was cool and there was a little snowfall. It felt like some cozy 2000's digital photos you find under looking up 'nostalgic' on Pinterest. The car's heater was on full and the warmth felt good against your ass. You thought about fucking up a sauna and how you'd love one of those. Maybe a future date with Tony?

You lowered the sun visor to check yourself in the mirror. These false lashes were CRAZY. You only trusted JWoww or Snooki to put them on. 

"You smell that?" Tony asked, sniffing the air.

"No," you said. You only smelled the his strong cologne and Nicki.

"You smell like weed," he said. 

You did forget about the 'roach' and plants you were growing on your balcony to make some extra cash. But then, you thought, this could be the perfect lay-up right now. If it worked on Megan Fox, maybe it would work on Tony? If it didn't, you'd honestly Lady Bird yourself out of his car from the embarrassment.

"I am weed," you said, trying to sound femme fatale, biting your tongue like a mom. 

He didn't get it. 

"What did you say?"

You weren't high enough for this.

"Man, never mind," you said. "Where we going, anyway? You said you were take me to eat some real food. Cause apparently McDonald's isn't."

"Oh please, you're gonna start with that shit again?" Tony said. One thing with Tony, and all these mafiosos, they have more insecurity than a thirteen-year-old middle school girl. You've had to learn how to dodge Tony's whiny moments. 

"So where?" you asked again, back to the topic. 

"Italian."

"Oh, like Olive Garden?"

He stopped at a light and faced you, with a look of pure disgust.

You saw him in the corner of your eye, trying not to smile. You loved fucking with him. It was like fucking with a toddler.

"The fuck did you say?" 

And there it was. 

Tony then began to rant about what true Italian dining and food was, as he always loved to flex in his whiny self about how there's no other shame of an establishment other than Olive Garden to bring embarrassment to Italian cuisine. You disassociated for much of it after, watching the lit-up suburbs as you drove by.

"....and that's why Vesuvio's puts back the honor in the Italian name. End of story!"

"That's crazy," you said, one of your many safe automatic responses to have after your disassociation trips. 

Anyway, you two had finally made it to the restaurant, as Tony mentioned before, called Vesuvio's. It was owned by a close friend of his, which made you all happy as it was refreshing to see Tony support small businesses. It was the late evening, so the sun had already set and the ambience was hitting. 

Before you entered the restaurant, Tony said he had a surprise for you and took out from the back of his car a quite large box.

"What is this?"

"Go ahead," he smiled slyly, "open it up."

You felt like a child needing to rip the bitch open, but you stopped yourself - you liked playing hard to get so you knew you had to act indifferent. You instead opened it slowly, as if it was just an ordinary box but no it WASN'T!

"No. Fucking. Way," you were in disbelief. "Tony - a FUCKING VINTAGE HOT PINK JUICY TRACKSUIT?! THESE ARE LIKE, $100 ON DEPOP?!?!?!?!"

He was fucking up your reaction. He must've really listened to when you indulged in him your airport troubles and losing your suitcase, as well as your vintage Juicy Couture tracksuit. This got you all hot and shit down there to know he cared like that. Again, this is a MAN. He makes ugly dudes like Tate tater tot look like a little bitch and that's that.

"You like it?" he asked as you yanked that shit out and were admiring it. "Here, let me help," he put the box down and helped put the top jacket part on.

You were too shock to speak. Non-verbal, if you would.

"Tony, no bro it's that I can't - "

His little dumbass smile made it all the better. You hated that he knew he ate with this.

The fresh smell of baked bread and pasta was making your toes curl violently. You loved being a fat ass. Once inside, Tony greeted like half the staff because that's what these men do, but you were just bouncing your eyes from table to table at all the dishes. Shit was about to HIT! You purposely didn't eat all day so you could have room for what tonight was to come. But, with that, the Ron-Ron juice was now in full effect. Uh oh oh no.

No, no - you couldn't. Had you not learned before in England? You cannot embarrass Tony, no, not in front of all these people. Tony was like a pillar in this little suburban community, you needed to make him look good!

But then, you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror - you DO look good! 

And then it hit you - you're just a girl who likes to dress up and eat good. The last thing you were gonna do was hide who you truly were! High key who gives a fuck about Tony? You do but you get what I mean.

A very pretty, blonde hostess came to you guys and led you to your table. Tony said hi, gave her the usual besitos, and introduced you two. 

"Y/N, this is Adriana. You know, Christopha's girlfriend?"

"Oh my god yes! I remember!" you brought her in for a hug and your own besitos. She smelled great. It made you so happy to see another girl do her thing! "You look so good, bro! And your nails!"

"Oh, my god thank you!" she said, modestly. "You're so pretty!"

Tony smiled, happy to see two girls do their thing. Men will never understand.

You two sat a little more secluded towards the back. He had introduced you to Artie, the best friend and owner of the restaurant.

About an hour in, the vibes were HITTING! You were on your third slice of bread, dipping it in the olive oil and vinegar (though you preferred butter, but you weren't just about to say that in front of all these Italians, LITERALLY when in Rome like??), laughing as Tony was making his shitty dad jokes, light Frank Sinatra and 'like a big pizza pie in the sky' in the background, the chatter of other customers who were also vibing, and, like you, looking forward to absolutely demolishing the dishes. 

What those dishes were, you wouldn't know. The moment you sat, Artie pulled up and took your menus, saying he would make y'all something exclusive from the menu. Like THAT? Like that. You felt like it was 2017 all over again and you just found out about the secret Pink Drink that wasn't on the Starbucks menu. Exclusive! 

As Tony was rambling on about his new horse, you were just thinking about how insanely attractive he was. Again, this ain't no boy - no, this is a MAN. This is a man who gets shit done, whenever and wherever. You always thought yourself to be pretty humble and not consider power a trait to find attractive, but you just realized you were lying to yourself this whole time, cause Tony proved it was. Is it shallow? Oops. Who gives a fuck be real. That and giving you money every time he saw you was definitely a plus! He was just too smooth with shit.

And let's be real again, it was a little bit of a power trip for you too. Like, you're TONY'S girl. You know what that's more powerful than? Exactly. Anyone other than Tony's girl.

"What's your horse's name?" you asked.

"Pie-O-My."

"That's such a cute name!"

Dumbass name, you thought. But in all honesty you would've named a horse like Pickle or some shit so.

"Do you like horses? I should take you ta see her sometime."

You weren't a horse girl, even though you did have a small phase in middle school. "How could you not? They're so, like, otherworldly. Back in Colombia, my old boss used to have a zoo, and there were a bunch of horses there too."

"When were you in Colombia?"

You froze - you forgot. You're not Y/N, you're Y/N! You're supposed to be under a false identity! You can't just be revealing your past, Colombia was not supposed to be talked about! Have England Colombia not taught you anything?

"A long, long, long, long time ago. Long time. Looooong time," you said, smiling sheepishly and taking a nervous sip of your wine. This topic needed to be SKIPPED.

"For business?"

And then you forgot. Tony literally knows you're a fugitive. You are safe <3

You went on to expand about your brief but not-so-brief, actually extensive, time in Colombia, working for Pablo and committing heists with your girls. It seemed like another lifetime ago, but recounting it brought you such nostalgia, it made you happy to reminisce. Tony was eating it up too, he fucked with the fact that you weren't just no ordinary girl, no, you were a girl with a past. Dare I say, not like other girls at that. A criminal one, at that. To these macho mafiosos, seeing a girl do more than being a housewife is considered very exotic. 

"One time, in Colombia, I almost set off one of Pablo's bombas by accident," you giggled to yourself. Shit was crazy. "It was supposed to be a hit on someone and I opened the wrong door to the wrong car lol. Thank god it malfunctioned and didn't detonate, but ever since then my close experience with death has just taught me to live, laugh and love more, you know? He was reaalllyyy pissed at me, for like a minute. Then he got over it, cause like, it's never that serious, you know?"

You dug into your pasta, which had just been brought out. It was Alfredo, your favorite. You weren't sure how Alfredo was an exclusive dish, but whatevs. You felt the warmness go down through your intestines - deletable. You felt Mark Weins possessing your spirit.

Tony was in awe of your stories. 

"Wait, wait, Pablo's what?"

"Bombas. You know."

He still didn't comprehend. Ugh boys.

"Bomb bass?" you repeated.

"Boss Baby? Like that cartoon scientist prick?"

You'd never seen Boss Baby, but was pretty sure he wasn't a scientist. Just a baby in STEM. "No, Tony, bom-bas."

"Baz Luhrmann?"

"Oh my god, no, but I miss that summer," you said, thinking about that curse of a movie. "All that our love surviveeeesssss. So good. So good." 

You continued eating your pasta, imagining Jacob Elordi's face instead of Austin Butler. It helped with the nightmares.

"Wait, you mean bombs?" he whispered. 

"Yes, that!" you covered your mouth with your hand, still chomping away, "Sorry, all that time in Colombia I forgot English words. I should redownload Duolingo again."

"You can't say that around here. Not around Artie."

"Why not?"

"He's sensitive to subjects like that. Gets him all nervous." Tony then went on to basically play with his food by making his fork dance in and out of it, never actually accumulating more pasta. This was his fidgeting.

"You garbage disposal guys love to pretend you're all hard and shit."

He stopped. Again, he's offended. "What did you say?"

"Like, you pretend you're all hard, and shit, but then you're not. Okay, like, okay - Paulie doesn't like me cause I made a joke. A little joke and he got all butthurt."

"Yeah, cause you said that if he eats more than 12 grapes on New Years, he's cursed."

"Yeah, so what? His fat ass ate the entire bag. I had to make him feel bad for that. Reparations, honestly."

"You know Paulie, he's superstitious. And you weren't helping when you asked his zodiac sign or whatever bullshit."

"And what about Silvio, huh? So what if I've never seen the Godfather? How else is a normal person supposed to react if you just randomly say 'once I'm out they pull me back in'? Like, what? Back into what? I was being nice pretending I knew what he was talking about the first couple of times. I can only fake it til I make it so much."

Tony was growing more impatient. 

"And Christopher? Sorry if I didn't know that an Elf Bar would break his sobriety. I just thought he'd love to invest -"

"Listen, sweetheart, I gotta be honest with ya. My friends, they're not perfect, but they're my family. Let's not forget about the sanctity of loyalty and respect. So let's put this aside and enjoy each other's company, huh -"

"How's the food, huh?" Artie asked, suddenly appearing like an Gusteau's ghost. 

"It's great, Artie," Tony said, somewhat dismissively.

"Artie, you ATE this shit up! I'm gonna be sleeping sooooo good tonight!" you smiled. He smiled that you smiled. 

"Well thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Let me know if you need anything else, okay?" Artie then walked off, leaving you two to yourselves. He quickly turned around and came back. "Be sure to call if you feel you have food poisoning, though."

"Wait, what?" you asked, mimicking Trisha Paytas.

"Cause if you do have it, it's not my food," he chuckled. "Right, Ton'?"

With that ominous comment/inside joke that you really had no idea what he was talking about, he walked away laughing. Tony wasn't. He, underneath it all was fuming but holding it in. He didn't like to raise his voice in front of you, because he knew you would hit lengths that exceeded his. One of your favorite activities was to make guys feel stupid, and you were too good at that and he knew. Honestly, he was kinda scared of the power you held, like one of Pablo's bombas. 

You just shrugged it off and continued eating up your pasta. 

It was quiet. It wasn't an awkward quiet, just a 'who's gonna talk first to get us past this quiet' sort of quiet. You didn't care, you were being wined and dined for free. 

You then thought about how you could enhance the dish, like a wizard adding potions and his creation. You pointed to the parmesan. 

"What?" Tony asked, oblivious, munching. 

"Cheese, hellur?"

"The fuck is 'hellur'?'

You swallowed the food that prevented you from saying 'hello' correctly. 

"Like, hello. So, cheese, hello?"

"Why not say hello?"

"Tony, I don't make fun of you when you say things in Italian," you shot back. He couldn't know food delayed your speech. "Don't make fun of my language, xenophobia doesn't look good on you."

He passed the parm, again in awe. "You know, of all the women I've been with, you're the weirdest fucking one," he laughed to himself. 

"Awe, Tony, you're so sweet." You smiled. The bad quiet vibes had gone away and the good vibes had returned. So what if there was a boulder on the path? You walk AROUND it!

Fast forward to dessert. Artie brought you some cannolis because we're in an Italian restaurant remember. 

Tony was in the middle of being pretty vulnerable with you. You loved that type of shit, when a man opens up. It's like seeing them fully evolve to becoming a normal person and you were front row.

"The things I do, you know. It's to get food on the table for my kids. But they, they don't understand. Meadow does, she's still young, but AJ? I don't know about the poor kid. Stays in his room all day, on that fucking computer, listens to that metal bullshit -"

"He's just going through his emo era. We all have it, don't worry. Some worse than others. And, he's a boy. They all enjoy a little Reddit from time to time. But just cause you're a criminal, Tony, doesn't make you a villain. The IRS just love to hate, trust me, I know."

He appreciated that you cared. "Therapy helps too, or whatever."

"Awe, that's great Tony!"

"But don't tell anyone, or I'll get whacked."

"By who?"

"You know. My associates."

"That's nice that you play games with your associates. It should be more than just business, you know. Like, there should be room for some bonding time and exercises."

"What are you talking about?"

"Like, Whack-a-Mole. Isn't that what you were talking about?"

Tony laughed. You thought he got it, but he was just still confused and was actually laughing at the shit you just say. 

After the check (there was no check cause it's Tony Soprano), you two stopped by at Wawa to get some SpongeBob popsicles, cause those cannolis didn't hit that 'sumthin sweet' feeling. The flavor you got wasn't as good as his, despite being the same thing, so at every free opportunity when he wasn't looking you scooped a little of his. He started to notice as his popsicle shrunk and shrunk, getting hot at what you were doing. You didn't mind, you liked it sometimes when he got mad cause you thought it was funny you got to him like that. He got over it eventually, realizing that it's never THAT serious. 

Some time later you were back at his place, what your girls would call an 'open crib'. It was just you two, and as Nicki once said, the night was still young. The possibilities? Yeah, they're endless. You had to admit, you were getting impatient. You needed something and that something was NOW.

By the pool, you two were making out. Shit was getting heavy and the night was getting pretty fucking chilly. A little too chilly, like the Juicy tracksuit was cute asf, but let's be real not helping in the slightest. But you weren't just about to have that interrupt you. What's a little cold? People literally live in like, Russian tundra.

Still making out, you felt small droplets of water hit you. 

You broke from the kiss and said, quite sensually but not exactly meaning to, "I'm wet."

Tony chuckled with his goofy, excited smile. "Tell me more -"

He brought you back in for another kiss.  

You felt more of those droplets hit you. You broke your kiss off again.

"No, I'm actually wet."

As if on cue, the rain began to pour pretty hard, increasingly violent. He grabbed your arm and pulled you to go inside. You two laughed as you were drenched, trying to escape the heavy downpour on some rom-com bullshit. 

You slid your heels off and ran, you ran and ran. One thing you knew how to do - you knew how to ran. Your feet hit those puddles of water with such velocity, Tony could no longer catch up to you and lagged behind. Your hands let go - you couldn't wait for him. Once you were in this state, there was no breaking out of it. He was amazed at your abilities. You couldn't risk your makeup running. That's a big no-no, no?

Once inside, he brought you two towels and began drying you off. You caught a quick glimpse of your make up in the mirror, and needless to say, you needed JWoww to drop you that link of the setting spray she used cause shit was STUCK. Immovable.

"Thanks for the towel, Tony." you said. He winked at you, pulled his soaked shirt off and tossed it on the kitchen counter, then pulled out a jug of orange juice from the fridge, downing that bitch. Your eyes trailed from his body hair, down to his chest, to his belly, then his happy trail down to - oh. Oh there it is. 

"Peter, the horse is here." you said. That bulge was bulging. 

Tony clocked his head to you. 

You thought you said it in your head, but you actually said it loud and clear.

"Who the fuck is Peta?" he interrogated, getting scared into thinking someone else was in the house, or that maybe 'Peter' was someone you were seeing...

"My god Tony you're such a fucking boomer."

"Is Peter your boyfriend -"

"- oh SHUT UP TONY!" you said, before pouncing on top of him. You hugged him, and he hugs tightly back, he then throws you on the dining table and you feel his member pressed against your leg. He begins kissing you, his tongue licking your lips for entrance. You let him in. Your tongues fight for dominance but you let him win. He eventually starts going down on you, taking your sequin dress off, and starts kissing your labia.

"This...this is a labia," he says. "End of story!"

You lift your legs as he begins to eat you out, his wet breath on your cooter. He holds your foot up and raises himself, ready to press his member into your entrance. Your eyes are closed, ready to take the man from North Caldwell, New Jersey in. This is it. No Peta, no duck phone, no garbage disposal, nothing - just you and Tony.

Hope you guys enjoyed!

Also, a heads up!  A friendly warning - DON'T tell me how long to make story. That is up to me, myself and I. Anyway this one's shorter so whatevs. 

xoxo, 

~ Sam St. Clair

[whoslaurapalmer]

hi. I can't sleep so here's a cute lil super vague picture of my mom, and me, from when I was born 💖

this was taken september 28th, the year i was born, when I was finally able to come home from the hospital, because I was born a whole two months premature. I'm so tiny!! and my mom's smile is so big!!!!!

when I look at pictures of her I can really see. how badly she'd been doing the past few months. I knew she wasn't doing well, but when you see somebody every day, sometimes you still don't always see-see it, you know? anyway this is how I want to remember her. not sick. but cute and precious and with her big smile, and with me. (even if this week I still told her she looked cute. cause she's my mom, of course she's always cute.)

she did pass away today. everybody who's been to the house has been so, so kind to me. the hospice nurse, even, was so surprised that everything happened so quickly. she thought there would be just a little more time. she gave me like three hugs, and when I told her, "I know this is part of your job, but you give great hugs." she dropped her bags and went "OH, you haven't SEEN the kind of hugs I can give." and hugged me AGAIN and said "you think I give out hugs to just anyone?? come on." which, damn. that was a squeeze. and the funeral arrangement guy who was here yesterday came back today, of course, and even he was in tears about my mom. best friend came over and we talked for hours, about my mom, about the usual everything we talk about. I got into contact with one of my high school friends just the other day, and we talked about how much my mom meant to him when we were teenagers. and I'm really happy there are people who got to meet my mom and understand how special she was and got to feel loved by her.

there's lots of people who are gonna help me with the house, and with me, and where I go now. so im trying not to be, uh, too horrified about that. our neighbors, my aunt, we actually JUST ran into someone who used to help my brother when he worked, who's now on a committee for senior and special needs housing -- she's engaged to the guy fixing my grandmother's septic tank??? what are the odds????? so. I keep telling myself that's gonna be okay. I made my brother pasta for dinner, and we ate it with our aunt, and we watched mythbusters. things are gonna be weird and not always. easy. but I'm gonna be okay. because my mom told me she knew I could do anything, so. I can be okay. And I don't always have to be, either. But I can be okay.

ive kept it together like. really well today. bc there's lots of things I have to help my aunt take care of. and while I had already been thinking a lot about like. my mom not being here. and rearranging my brain around that idea. i know it's still gotta really sink in. that she's not here. im gonna wake up tomorrow and she wont be here, waiting for me. she's not gonna be able to hold my hand when I'm upset or hug me or call me food nicknames or hang out with me. but we were really, really happy, the day after she came home from the hospital, when we talked about how much fun we've had doing things together. always together. and how we wouldn't change anything, and how we'd do it all over again. so i felt like we'd said everything we needed to to each other. I know she was so proud of me, always. and that she thought my silly bill crafts were the coolest things ever. and that I could never make her upset. and she could never make me upset either. she was so silly and so loving and so fun, and wanted more than anything to be a mom, and to be loving and caring, and she was so good at it. and I'm so happy she was my mom.

[harukapologist]

Hewwo fellow Haruka apologist/stan :)

I wanna ask the expert themself, what do you think about the headcanon that Haruka's parents (or his mom at least) is into taxidermy? There's a shit ton of taxidermy in his second t2, but also in a translation of AKAA lyrics (a more 'accurate' one, rather than the eng sub that's provided) instead of "I will keep killing to be a good boy" it's "Rather than taking something away, it's better to give". What if Haruka was killing animals to 'help' his mother with taxidermy? In his own sick and twisted way of getting her attention. And, let's not forget the famous scene where he's standing on top of the chair surrounded by the dead animal corpses, he's says "Mommy, look, aren't I amazing?". Sick, yeah. But what if he's presenting his 'gifts' to his mother, who's into taxidermy?

And the orange/amber liquid that everyone thinks is honey in reference to Muu? Someone in the comments said it could be formaldehyde, which is used for taxidermy. Just another thing that caught my attention

I thought about this way too much, but it's a just silly lil hc of mine

Hi hello!! Thank you for sending me this ask (and so sorry I replied so late!) I'm always happy to meet & discuss with fellow Haruka enjoyers :3c

I completely agree with that headcanon (in fact I don't think the orange liquid in AKAA resembles honey at all except for the color--the consistency seems closer to that of formaldehyde, and it makes more sense with the sequence of events that it'd be formaldehyde), I think Haruka's mom was a taxidermist or at least into something biology related, hobbyist or professional, so Haruka was exposed to a lot of things involving animals and taxidermy throughout his life. I assumed this is at least part of the reason why he dislikes animals--they remind him of his mom, when he was still somewhat loved by her, I imagine she'd tell or show him some details of her work/hobby, so he learned a lot about animals & taxidermy from her.

If I'm being honest, when I first watched AKAA it didn't occur to me at all that Haruka killed the animals, I interpreted that as a metaphor or symbolism (but I won't talk about that here because it'll be too long and it involves Weakness haha), so seeing most of the fandom interpret it literally (I guess because of his VD but I didn't take the VD at face value either) surprised me and I spent a while thinking of why Haruka would do something like that, and the perspective you offered really makes sense!! In my interpretation wouldn't call it sick or twisted as much as it is Haruka "accepting" that he is what his mom painted him to be, in his mind--someone whose only talent is bringing bad things, so he took to killing the animals in an attempt to utilize his "evil self's only ability" to do something his mom would hopefully approve of. It kinda reminds me of Tendou Satori from Haikyuu, who embraced the label "guess monster" because he was so used to being treated as a monster, so he embraced that he's weird and unlikable in a way that can make him still a good player but also true to himself. (I hope I remember correctly I haven't watched Haikyuu in like 2 years but Tendou is very dear to me) Except in Haruka's case it is way more fucked up lol.

Also gotta thank whoever retranslated AKAA more accurately--I noticed this theme with the innocent prisoners being painted in a purposefully bad light in T2 so we could vote them guilty, and the other way around as well, the guilty from T1 being painted as miserable and actually not that bad, yk. There's really nothing in MILGRAM that should be taken at face value imo.

And worry not I also thought about this an unimaginable amount, it's been on my mind the whole week actually, but I'm trying to articulate my thoughts into a coherent post lfhksdsl

[localplaguenurse]

do you know what’s been stuck in my mind… the gingko being mama’s boy/girl. do you have anything like headcanons/drabbles to feed my mind🙏 ofc only if you have time for it!!!

I'm technically on a "no posting until new years break" BUT I did say that I was gonna be answering my asks like normal. Plus it's ginkgo! I can't not talk about ginkgo! I'm just gonna do short headcanons per kid because I'm writing for five of them rip-

Yánjiāng

Mama's boy through and through

However, Yánjiāng likes to show his affection for people he loves by teasing and lightly bullying them and unfortunately his mom gets it the worst (affectionate)

It's mostly because they're short compared to all their children and husband, and Yánjiāng is the tallest of the ginkgo kids.

A lot of putting things out of reach and pretending to use his mom's head as an armrest, and he gets the dumbest shit eating grin whenever they scold him.

He also does it so he can be the one to help his mom when they need something.

Wifey knows it's all in good fun so they don't actually scold him when he does it, but man when they do scold him for real, the shame is so palpable. He looks like a kicked puppy.

If anyone hurts his mom, he might not be the first to attack but he's definitely leading the other ginkgo kids and he's hitting the hardest. He gets that from his father.

Lihua

I'd say she's a daddy's girl

I think she's equally close with both parents and in different ways, but it's her father's validation she wants more

It's not that she doesn't want to impress her mom, but more that she doesn't worry about disappointing Wifey the same way she worries about disappointing Morax

When she was still a little boy I imagine the two of them would have done a lot of typically masculine activities, namely a lot of play fighting and training, but as she grew up and was figuring things out, she hung out with her mom more and enjoyed "feminine" activities

She was pretty confident he would support her transition, but was worried they weren't going to have the same bond as before she came out

Was SUPER relieved when he was not only super supportive of her coming out, but actively took interest in her new hobbies/interests

She lets him braid her hair or do her makeup

She's also a little cocky like Yánjiāng so she likes to say she's the favourite child/daughter, and she still calls him "baba"

Zhusha

She's actually closer to her mother than father

I not only imagine her looking the most like Wifey, but also acting the most like them too

She's not as rowdy as her siblings, so it's more natural that while they're roughhousing and what not, Zhusha sticks with the other family introvert

She happens to control sedimentary rocks, and you know what's in sedimentary rocks? Sand and clay

You get glass from sand and pottery from clay, so as such I think she would have naturally drifted more towards art and specifically sculpting, so that's how her and Wifey bond

I just really like the mental image I have in my head of Zhusha making the bowls and vases while Wifey paints them

In my head Wifey's always preferred drawing and painting over sculpting, but that's my own bias towards drawing

I don't get to talk about her as much as the others and I should do that more

Yaling

Absolute daddy's girl

All the ginkgo kids have pointier canines but only her and Feng have big ol fangs like baba (Feng's are bigger though, he's got CHOMPERS)

Unlike her siblings though she did NOT get his height and she WILL stay mad about that

She's still taller than mom but STILL

Loves listening to her baba's rambling, especially about geology

Literally them

Also she's the type that presents herself as very Mature and Serious, but is actually not just very silly but also an absolute menace

Whenever her older siblings would go to tell on her she'd put on the waterworks and run to Morax like "baba they're bullying me!!!"

Nothing is more infuriating than seeing the evil smirk of a four year old girl while your father scolds you for something you didn't even do

That only worked a few times when she was very little, it stops working once you're older than like six and your parents have figured it out, or when you reach the age that your siblings can dish back to you without mercy

Feng

He's a big ole mama's boy

He's a golden retriever himbo with a great big heart of gold, and because Wifey is still a "mortal" he wants to make sure they're safe and happy and all that good stuff

He and his sister also share the most resemblance with Wifey

When Feng lost his leg, Wifey was the only member of the family he could be comforted by, he didn't want to be around his siblings and couldn't handle being around Morax

Tldr: Feng had a forge and the rule was that he could only go in if Morax was there, Feng went in and ended up pouring metal on his leg which ended in him getting it amputted

He already felt awful because he felt like those were the consequences of his actions, but felt worse when Morax suggested he lose forge privileges for a while because he broke the rules

That sparked a whole argument between him and Wifey because Feng lost his leg, that's punishment enough, which also made him feel bad because he'd never seen his parents argue before and it was about him

He was too ashamed and upset to be around Morax until Wifey put them in the same room and made them talk it out

This story does have a happy ending, I promise. Feng loves his dad, they get along really well, but who knows what would have become of them if not for Wifey.

Anything my beta reader adds onto this in regards to the twins is also canon fyi, she basically yoinked them and we have joint custody

[grokebaby]

@frogyz

OFC!! You're charming and I like the way you engage with other people's content :) and... Kiitos <3 for thinking of me

I think m... Delilah would perhaps like Liquor confectionery. Ykno those little chocolates that have liquor flavored fillings and such. I think she'd like em. A mix of decadent and sweet and also something a little more firey. She prefers to not use any substances like drink or smoke so I think this could be her indulgence. In reality I feel that she likely doesn't eat anything fancy since she doesn't even need to eat as a High judgement, so she deserves something nice every once in a while. Let's say Lassi brings her treats sometimes. Liquor confections and maybe warm cinnamon buns.

And then speak of Lassi (and Siru), I think he likes blueberry pie, and there's history behind that! :) bc Nan used to bake blueberry pies for the chickies when they were little, among other things most likely. This is based on my mom who to this day makes blueberry pies every now and then. Finns gotta love blueberries. Hi fives Lassi and Siru. They both love that shit. Those two are whole ass blueberries themselves!! Nan probably called them that sometimes, especially bc the word for blueberry sounds really similar to a finnish word of affection which is like. Equivalent to Darling. :3 (Mustikka = blueberry) (Mussukka = honeyboo or darling, what you'd call someone you love. Doesn't have direct translation. Aimed at children in most cases)

As for traditional stuff I'm sure Siru and Lassi tried to learn like what plants are safe to eat and then snacked on those occasionally. I remember my older cousin showing me that wood sorrel(??) is edible to humans. I had to google that word btw hope it's accurate. We say Ketunleipä (literally "Fox's bread"). Since they're bird demons I'm sure they also ate rowan berries early in the autumn, before they started fermenting. The village's pub actually makes an alcoholic rowan drink out of the berries :) this is based on how waxwings(?? Another googled word) eat rowan berries when they ferment and act all silly bc of it. Drunk little birds.

Maybe Lassi and Siru were little teenage dirtbags and tried to sneak drinks of rowan juice when they got older.. But don't tell mom. That's not appropriate for a growing devil.

Last addition, I think either people around the village or Nan herself made tree bark/sap candies! Birch trees contain sorbitol which can be used as a sweetening agent. In Finland this is sort of a thing™ but not the most popular compared to other less traditional (or even equally traditional) stuff. But it is a Thing™! Tree sap is like a traditional finnish flavor/scent/ingredient in stuff like. Shampoos, I think? Drinks as well? I'd mention tar flavored candy and other products but I feel none of the Varpunens like those lol. But it's another traditional thing. Hashtag Finland stuff. Tar.

So yeah!! I really appreciate you asking about these folks, them being finnish (part Swedish on Nan's side) obviously is inspired by my own life and upbringing :) many of these things are common knowledge to me but I don't actually know how common of a thing they are.. Elsewhere? Or how widely known? So. Shrugs. Nonetheless I would still explain this stuff for the characters' sake :3 kiitos for the ask!! Buh bye!!

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - Test Results

*Warning Adult Content*

Finnegan

Two Sundays in a row I've woken to an amazing breakfast and then Emmett has made me another even though he spent at least five minutes this morning kicking and bitching at his fridge that was making a really scary sound. 

Afterwards I attended mass.

It's a lovely way to spend a morning.

If I just worked some gym time into my weekend I'd be all set but I'm still squeezing it in on mornings I wake up at home.

Besides, does propping my ass up in the air count as pilates? 

Maybe. 

My cell-phone rings as soon as I've taken off my pants and I have to dig for it.

Em looks slightly disappointed that he'll have to wait for his kiss but it's my Dad.

I hold my finger up.

"Hey Dad."

"Hey Finnegan, Dr. McClarren gave me your results at mass this morning, want me to open it for you or just send them along?"

He's telling me he'd like to know what it says in his unassuming way.

I'm very lucky to have so many people in my life who care about my well-being, even if it is annoying at times.

"Go ahead and open it."

"Received results from Johns Hopkins yadda yadda scans and appointment on Monday, all clear. Looks good son, iron looks good, skin swab came back fine, no abnormalities on the scans or blood work."

"Good."

I give Emmett a thumbs up.

"Hey, could you just snap a picture and send it to me?"

Maybe it'll do Emmett good to have it in black and white, sort of.

"Of course, no problem. Hey, heard back from Taiwan, deal is a go. Good job, son."

"I thought it would go through, nice to have a more conscientious supplier in the chain."

"That it is.  Well I'll let you go, we're about to sit down to brunch."

They always have a huge meal after mass, I'm not surprised he called me as soon as he got home though, the letter must have been burning a hole in his pocket although Doc would have pulled him aside and warned him if there had been anything wrong.

Still, he worries.

"Enjoy. Give mom a kiss for me."

"I'll give that lovely lady two. Talk to you later in the week."

Emmett is watching me intently and as soon as I lower my phone he says

"Good news?  A thumbs up is good, right?"

"What else could it be, silly? Yes, I'm perfectly healthy. I'll even show you the letter once it comes through."

"Not necessary, I'm just relieved."

He looks it, he really does.

His smile is a bit softer, his eyes maybe a bit brighter.

"I'm sorry you were so worried, Emmett," but I get it.

To him this is sort of my first scan results.

My parents and I were on edge for years afterwards.

You get used to it a little bit although it never really gets easy.

A stack of clear scans makes waiting for the next one less nerve-wracking but even though I've been well for a long time, this is the first time he's had to wait.

"Are you okay?"

What is going on in his head?

"Sorry, thinking about my Mom. We kept hoping, you know? But that's, sorry. I'm glad you're okay darling, really glad."

Hoping she'd get a clear scan. Right. Ouch.

I don't know what to say so I give him a hug.

While we're still in each others arms he says

"I have a confession. I know it was wrong and I'm sorry so I hope you'll let me off the hook."

I pull away just enough to get a good look at him.

"Sounds serious."

"I just stepped way over the line. Um, Monday? I, shit, I do trust you Finn, my head just went a little crazy."

Monday? Test day but I didn't see him afterwards.

"Okay, Monday."

"I may have called to see if you were at work.  Only because I know how much to hated to miss it for your appointment, I just worried..."

I pull away because that's my natural response.

Hands go to my hips even though it's really hard to look imposing wearing just Care Bear boxers.

My face is hard and I don't like looking at him like that or feeling this way.

Especially not in this house.

And then I replay all the shit I thought a few minutes ago.

He was scared. He lost his mom. It wasn't about me.

I force myself to relax and step back into his arms.

"Okay."

He wraps me up gently, as if he thinks I'll fuss if he holds on too tight.

"I'm sorry."

"I know. You wanted to make sure I was safe," because I have no doubt that some daddy went into that decision.

Yes, it was wrong but he knows that and he didn't have to tell me at all.

"Yes, that's all, Finnegan. I just needed to know you're okay."

I force my voice to be as lighthearted as possible.

"Well I am."

"And I'm glad. I'm, hell, is it too much to ask for you to send me a post card every six months? I'm going to worry about you, darling."

A post card? Oh.

I won't be here for the next round... right?

That puts me leaving into the harsh light of reality.

It's so easy for Finnegan to forget, I don't think about much when I'm in little space. 

So he's okay, well he's okay with it.

I thought maybe we'd talk when we got to that point but fine.

"Sure. I'd rather talk to you though."

"I'd love to hear from you Finnegan. Anytime. I don't want to think about it, you leaving but... damn I'm a mess today, sorry."

So maybe there's a chance of working something out.

I really, really hope we can although I have no idea what that would look like or how we'd work.

"I'm supposed to be a little more butch than this."

He's only half kidding but I don't expect him to be a tough, in control daddy all the time.

"Hey, I go to work and I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't expect you to never need anything. Just because I'm usually little around you doesn't mean I can't step up and take care of you sometimes. We both have different sides and I don't think it's gonna work if we don't show each other both."

"No, you're right but this is your weekend."

"It's our weekend, Emmett."

"Right. You're right. I don't want to spend the rest of it worrying about things, we should celebrate your results and enjoy the afternoon."

"That's fine by me but Emmett? We can talk whenever you're ready."

I walk around the kitchen table and look out the deck door.

"Why are the sheets hanging outside?"

"Dryer bit the dust. Luckily it wasn't a load of underwear, poor Mrs. Lewis. I'll get one after payday or maybe next payday." 

He shrugs. 

"I'd call a repair guy but the set came with the house and are probably twenty years old. I can use the laundromat till then but figured those would dry just fine, warm as it is."

"Hey, when are you off this week?"

He didn't work Saturday which means he will this week and that means a day off during the week.

I've finally got his schedule worked out.

"Tuesday, why? Want me to stop by the office?"

Not why I asked but...

"Absolutely. I'll schedule myself a long lunch break."

"I'll bring something, what do you want?"

"You know what I want."

I raise my eyebrows and he laughs.

Then that's better.  

[vampacidic]

YES YOU CAN BE A NATURE GIRL!! Basically there was this youtube trend going around where people were like "Guess this twisted wonderland character's name / unique magic" but a lot of them were having their parents guess and so in one video this person had their mom and dad guess, one half of the cast was for their mom and the other for their dad, when it got to their dad's side he thought they were all girls

Jade is surrounded by mushrooms (She is a big fan of those) so with this knowledge he called her "Nature girl" so thank you to that very confused father because now I see Jade as transfem.

She ran away from octavinelle once because she was being very petty and so was Azul so she goes to pomefiore and tells Vil she's going be his faithful servant from now on. Vil is like.. okay.. interesting. So Vil bosses her around and turns her into an errand girl, after serving Vil for a while she's like. "Vil, I have decided I am going to work with Azul again. I am no longer mad at him. Peace!" AND I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING THAT IS SO STUPID. SHE TRIED SO HARD TO PROVE HERSELF TO VIL JUST TO GET AWAY FROM AZUL. EVEN GOING THROUGH THE ACT OF TRYING TO CHANGE DORMS, and I can't exactly remember everything Vil asked Jade to do but it was getting to a point where Vil would ask Jade for the simplest of things that Vil was PERFECTLY capable of getting done on her own. Jade did this all with a smile. She is SO SILLY. My friends are very big leech twin enjoyers but one likes Floyd and the other likes Jade so I sat in a call with them while they argued about who was the superior twin. Fun times. ( I love both of them, Floyd was actually the final push I needed to start reading through the whole main story. So thank you for that buddy!!) Fun fact I actually have a Vil plushy.. she is big and I love her. I get into my room and look at her and I tell her how important she is to me. DEAR I AM RAMBLING ON. I will confirm though, Azul is very guy and no matter how hard I try he does not leave my head. I love him though and I wouldn't have it any other way. For the question you asked I was actually thinking about this, you can just call me Light.. I'm not very good with names so I just chose the easiest option. Thank you for asking about twst though I love this game lots.. giving you so many kisses right now!! (Also please feel free to ramble about anything you want to with me I would love to hear it)

IM TELLING YOU ALL MALE GACHA CASTS LOOK LIKE LESBIANS!!!!! the dad was right she's a girl. 2 me ❤️ jade's so real for being a mushroom enjoyer... i used to be big into mushrooms and then i did some poking about decay and uhh. well now they freak me out a bit if i think about it too long but i still like them a lot.... decay exists as an extant form of life etc etc

don't feel bad about rambling i really enjoy it... you get very impassioned light dear and it's nice to hear you go on :] twst is one of those games where i Know it's right up my alley but my brain is like ummmmm. no you will not open it and play ❤️ sorry ❤️ but maybe i'll start soon... maybe you're my push hon. (the only hesitance is this makes it very easy for me to spend money at cons bc twst is so big..... sighs)

jade seems funny though.... she has ummm a je ne se quois to her. i feel like she'd eat me but not on purpose just in a oopsy i bit too hard way. not that i'd say no to it. she's a little bimbo ish it's ok. i love stupid women ❤️ i love siblings with the worst shit imaginable going on ❤️❤️

OH my friend acfually has a malleus plushie... waves Hi kyo if you see this. i have no idea if she consumes twst at all actually but like. uhhh twinsies...? can our giant vil and rei plushies be best friends

light sounds good to me... maybe i'll pick something more fun in the future when i'm not so tired lol.... i'm answering this before i go to bed ehehe.... hehe i'm accepting all of your kisses gracefully!!!

oh but my interests.... they're ummm. eclectic ? some of them are incredibly scholarly and then there's enstars. sighs. no idea how much you know about enstars love but i've been stuck w it for. nearly 3 years now....? give or take. my beloved idol gacha game. but other than that i play a uh. range of video games.... i've been trying to chuck through hades but i'm incredibly bad at it LMAO asterius and theseus are beating my ass. i've gotten to 3rd form(???) of hades before but never beyond that.... sigh. i'll make it through one day. other than that i like uh. final fantasy here and there + horror games despite how easily terrified i am. i wouldn't say i'm a horror buff but i do love the genre... big psych horror enjoyer. i also like writing and drawing here and there but most of my art has gone to class recently.... other than games and such i have my more uh. scholarly interests ? i like biochemistry a lot (of course you have autism and like science) and i have what i like to call 'history blorbos' whcih are guys i have a weird obsession w. this includes vladimir lenin, mao zedong, rasputin, and karl marx. no idea what makes me obsessed w them but you know. shit happens. history as a whole makes me go insane.... 20th century in particular. love the russian revolution + ww2 specifically but all of the 20th century is insane to me. also really like language (im teaching myself jp and am uhhhh. semi fluent in spanish. k can scrape by verbally) and to an extent religion.... i like catholicism from an aesthetic point but as an american raised in a catholic school it's uhhhhhh. Interesting relationship w religion esp w regards to my gender/sexuality.... i like dissection stuff like that. can you tell i have autism. i'm more than willing to detail just about any of this stuff if interested bc hooooo boy do i love to talk about my interests. light honey i hope you have a good night!!! mwah mwah my darling <3

[subject-2-change]

28, 38, 49 for the ask game!! ❤️

28. an unusual song that’s your favorite?

Verbatim - Mother Mother. It's a whole ass mood and also makes me think of my D&D character (Scratch)

Hypnodancer - Little Big. It is so silly and maybe my all-time favorite music video

38. what’s the meaning behind your url?

I was changing my AMV YouTube handle after nearly a decade. I put in "Subject to Change" as a placeholder. Never changed it. So it kinda stuck. I love the irony of my online moniker being consistently "subject to change". I will not be changing it. (Unless it is for a bit)

49. what scents do you like?

Classic things like rain and fresh bread. Also the typical sometimes ick things like gasoline and tobacco on someone's clothes. The smell of the pizza at the shop I work at. It makes me so fucking hungry all day.

Very long, specific smell story under the cut: tw death

But the most sentimental smell is this specific vanilla spray that this older woman who owned a vintage shop used. She would spray it on the paper she would wrap the clothes in (in a very careful and specific way) and the smell would last months, lingering in the closet if you kept the paper in there. She would, of course, ask consent of the customer first.

Her name was Nita. She was an incredible woman, talented and open minded. She was an award winning designer. She sold discreet lipstick pipes, she was super body positive, she would design anyone in anything saying her shop doesn't care about gender or sexuality. She was once perusing another shop, and the owner shooed a homeless man out, who had collected solid perfumes and wanted to sell them to her. Nita looked at the woman and put down the hundreds of dollars of stuff she was going to buy, and said, "we don't shoo human beings." She followed the man out and said she'd buy the perfume from him. He said "how much would you pay?" And she said "how much do you need?" Nita had stories like that for all sorts of stuff in her shop (early supporter of small businesses, crazy stories, vintage pieces, etc.) I learned them all when I worked for her.

She was the first job I had after returning to LA post... a lot of life stuff. It got me out of my mom's toxic household. It got me the job at the pizza place I'm at now. She set me up with my partner of nearly 2 years now. I already knew him, but she really showed me just how much he adored me. If I would believe anyone had any sort of spiritual future telling abilities or "sixth senses", it was her. She would read people as soon as they came in. Like she could see into your soul.

Nita had gone through so much hardships in her life. Family was Holocaust survivors. She was living with lung cancer. But she didn't take care of herself enough to be on the transplant list. She kept her oxygen tank hidden behind her desk in the shop. As we got to know each other, I told her about my mental illness. One her brother had. He recently passed. We have the same birthday. I told her I've been on medication and therapy for years, and taking care of yourself is super important. She started using her oxygen tank regularly. After being there a few months, she admitted to me why. "I don't want to be attached to a tank. I'm not weak. But seeing you be so strong, even though you ask for help-- because you ask for help-- it made me realize I need to get my shit together, huh?"

There was one day we were packing up late after a special client had a wardrobe pull. She was exhausted and her oxygen tank wasn't sealing. Any time she'd turn the knob, the air released rather than going through the tube. It was her last one on her. She started panicking, which didn't help. I had 911 dialed in case she passed out, and tried to fix the tank. I managed to rig it (basically this screw wasn't sitting right in its indent, and I manually manipulated it with pliers). She called me an angel and gave me this gorgeous shirt that looks so much like the top for my angelic D&D character (which is very near and dear to my heart).

Nita got on the transplant list! She was due for new lungs. It would be several months, but she was going to get the surgery. I eventually couldn't continue working there because I picked up more time at the pizza place which was frankly just a LOT less emotional labor and I'm not pressured to sell so much as serve. It was only a block away so I'd go in to see her regularly.

One day, it was only her husband and this douchey guy working. He was better than me with sales, but was super pretentious. Like I said, she was an award winning designer. I was the first person who worked for her because I liked her shop, not her name. Nita was at home sick. She had caught covid. It wasn't particularly bad, she wasn't in the hospital, but it wasn't... ya know... good. A few weeks later I found out from her friend (my partner's employer. He looked good one day and she sent him straight there for an interview) that Nita had passed. She was too sick to pass her check up, and she would not be healthy enough for the transplant. It was the first death of someone close to me I had ever experienced. Her shop is closed now.

Her husband gave me a bottle of that specific spray she kept in the back (the last new bottle he had left). As I said, it lasts months, so I still have plenty left. I keep a scented piece of tissue paper tucked into the drawer with my angel shirt. I get to wear it twice a week when I play the character, and it smells of this vanilla buttercream. It always makes me think of Nita.

[devcted]

she knew what it felt like to have to work for the approval of your parents which seems a bit strange knowing you didn't even ask to be in this world but now you have to beg to be the person you want them? it was unfair but it seems regulus got the worst kind of parents. ones who saw him as a mold of clay they could shape into whatever they wanted, chosing what he does for a future and who he loves, this obsession of being pure blood was literally killing people like regulus for a time and even her own brother...it makes her sad.

bee knows who he beings to describe in his desires, how he basically wants her right down to the ribbon in her auburn hair. she smiles a bit, blushing at his words a little. "you're right, that doesn't sound like daphne greengrass at all." she giggles, trying not to let herself catch on fire when he's so close. "you really think my body is perfect?" she bites down on her lower lip a little before giggling at his comment about her getting on top of him. "you're a very good boy, you just think you're a bad boy and that's what makes you so sexy." she teases playfully. "as long as you fuck me like a bad boy."

did his mom allow him to do anything? not even a pet to love and hold seemed just a little more cruel on top of what was already a very horrible situation. "that's insane, creatures are such a wonderful part of our world and there's so many just waiting to find families to love them. owls especially are essential, I don't know what I would do without my baby merlin. he's the sweetest boy..." she feels herself ranting a bit and realizing how silly it must sound to get so caught up in her emotions over creatures but she hates the thought of them not being loved. "we can go to the magical menagerie tomorrow, I did some volunteer work over there last year....they have the loveliest creatures I'm sure you'll find one to bond with so quickly." she was passionate about creatures and she always loved a good excuse to go visit them even if alfie got a little jealous of having to share his mom's attention with them. she didn't miss his comment about calling it a date though, already planning her perfect outfit. "I think that's a pretty romantic first date actually..." she smiles shyly. "we can even hold hands more."

toching her face and telling her she can look at his dick whenever she wants shouldn't sound as good as it does but it makes her hot, eyes flickering at it again as she purrs. "it's kind of hard not to think about.." for one it was the first time she'd ever seen one in person but one as pretty as his had her feeling light headed.

she didn't mean to break down over her brother, she wasn't done it in so long and then it comes pouring out like a waterfall, so smooth and fast...but she feels comfortable with regulus in a way she's never felt before. sure she had her friends but this was something intense like her skin was transparent and he could see inside her soul, loving her even though there was so much bagge to carry. she lets the tears fall down when soft cheek, it hurts so much to think of everything her brother would miss out on. but his words take her by surprise and confusion as he attempts to take some of the blame. "you are not responsible for that regulus or anything else voldemort and his followers do. bad things happen and we do things we regret but you were just a kid... the only ones who have failed me are the ones who live ln their high horses in the clouds thinking only for themselves and for shitty beliefs that you dont even believe in anymore....if anything you give me hope that people can be good." she sighs, wiping her tearas she looks up at him. "cedric would've liked you a lot...not as much as I like you." she shakes her head. "you already gave me an amazing gift by giving em a chance to know you, I don't need anything more."

she's excited to share her books with him. the knowledge of knowing how important creatures of their world are and that includes dragons even if wizards didn't really seem to have much respect. she wants to help them too in her journeys once she leaves hogwarts...maybe they'd do it together. she's lost in thought when regulus asks her her type and she has to pause for a moment "oh..." she blushes. "I like smart guys but not just your average smart like so smart he can bring himself back to life kind of smart, I also like when he's slightly brooding but knows how to make me laugh and is confident in who he is." she bites down on her lower lip again. "the green eyes and dark curls are an added bonus I guess..."

his hand is on her neck when she kisses him and it sends shivers down her spine especially given the context of what he's saying, telling her she would be his first too if they were to cross that line and she easily nods. "I want to be.." she says softly with a purr, smirking back at him. "I never really wanted that...I never even really masterbated before...but I don't know something about you makes me want to cross that line and give you every inch of my body."

his hands are on her cheek, they're warmer now and soft as he looks back into her eyes. he's only inches away from her as he speaks filthy words making the throat feel dry and her heart race as blue eyes glisten with desire. "just making sure you know what you're in for...i meant no disrespect sir." she teases, pouting playfully. "but if you're sure you can handle me then I want you all night long, maybe later you can punish me for my disrespect?" she hums wanting so bad to kiss him but doesn't, not yet. it's almost as if they're waiting to that exact moment, knowing if she did to now she would ruin her mom's table cloth.

but they've made their way to her brothers old room, getting regulus prepared for his shower and the fact she would have to start moving things that had gone untouched for the last two years. she thinks about how regulus said he'd kill for her, just so she would be his and it makes her realize how much easier doing all of this is because it's for him, someone who is worth the care and strength it will take to do this. "what's funny is it feels like I'm already yours...." she chuckles a bit sadly.

it feels weird being in here, it's still smells like cedric but distant in a way. she doesn't wanna break down again, she's supposed to be taking care of regulus but he wraps his arms around her frame before she can say a word more, shocking her a little but making her chest feel more free as well as her arms wrap around his body and she holds him close, eyes closing as she smells him for a moment, it's mostly of forest grass right now but she wonders what he will smell like when he's around longer, probably of old books and something unique, just like him. she rests her face in his chest for a moment. "thank you for showing up when you did." she says in return pulling away to realize she did let one of her tears catch up with her so she wipes it away and smiles. "and thank you for that..." she drops her gaze with a sad smile for a moment before looking around. "I'm guessing you were a slytherin in your day...it must be kind of weird sleeping in a hufflepuffs wet dream." cedric was proud of his house. "but he'd be happy to give it to you...as long as you shower before you get on his comfy bed." she teases before leaning up to kiss his cheek again

regulus wishes more than anything that he could not care about walburga, just like bee says. but he’s spent his entire life caring too much; trying to assume the best of every adult in his life and doing what he can to ‘carry his weight’ and be a good son and wizard. he’s tired of doing it, and angry that he spent so long trying. he wonders what it’s like growing up with emma and amos as parents— surely the intense expectations were there, with amos. or maybe he just fully forgot about bee and her loveliness, trying to bury that pain of being reminded emma loved remus. bee didn’t deserve any of it, and he hates that she was separated from the father who could’ve reminded her how perfect she is. he supposes he’ll just have to do it himself. 

he can’t read her expression, when he talks about his family traditions. he’s sure she’s horrified, just like most of hogwarts now seemed to be. it was outdated, the way the old families did things. to him it’s tradition; one he begrudgingly accepted, but still trying to be proud of, until very recently. she surprises him by not commenting on it, instead asking him about what he wants in a partner and centering the conversation on the fact he has a choice now. he’s never really had someone do that before— even sirius was more stern with him when he was trying to convince him to be his own person.

he considers her question seriously, falling quiet. “i want someone who’s as warm as this treehouse,” he says easily, because that’s obvious to him already. “and not concerned with status or money or power… someone who wants to raise a family because they love children and not because they’re tools to be used.” he pauses, thinking about physical characteristics. “she has to be the most beautiful girl i’ve ever seen, with big blue eyes and ribbons in her hair.” his voice gets a little lower as he leans in, gaze flickering from her lips to her eyes again. “she’s brunette and has a perfect body.”

the way she compliments him paired with agreeing she would get on top of him makes him smile. “that’s hot. you could do whatever you wanted to me,” he purrs, already envisioning how she would look sitting above him. “i’m not a good boy, but i would be for you.”

she reminds him she doesn’t know how to control it and he studies her for a moment before answering. “i’m sure that’s scary, with everything going on.” she seems like she’s had so much more stress than she deserves, and pain to go along with it. he wishes he could take it all from her, knowing fully well that he would give up this second chance at life if it meant he could make this girl full of sunshine any happier at all.

she suggests going with him to get an owl and he smiles, because he’d always wanted to get an animal but never did because walburga didn’t want any of the mess in her home. he had tried to tell her it was nonsensical to be worried about, since kreacher’s cleaning spells are quick, but she didn’t budge on the matter. “i’ve always wanted one. it’ll be even more special, with you there.” he’s sure the creature will take to bee just as quickly as he has. “and it’ll make for the perfect first date.” he hopes that’s what she wants, because he already likes her so much that he doesn’t know what he would do if they weren’t on the same page. she’s like a raft in a storm, saving him from sinking.

“as big as my what?” he asks with a smile. “you can’t stop thinking about it, can you? luckily for you, you can look at it whenever you please…” he leans in, brushing her hair out of her face as his thumb traces her cheek gently. 

he wants to touch her again, as soon as he sees the tears shining in her pretty blue eyes. she explains what happened to cedric and his chest feels like it’s splitting open, a lump in his throat. he had suspicions about how he was killed, but he foolishly clung to the hope that maybe it was something that couldn't be helped and voldemort wasn't hurting people to this degree in regulus's absence. he hoped it wasn't completely and utterly preventable, if only people like regulus had fought back instead of supporting voldemort. or maybe if dumbledore cared enough to refuse to be apart of the tournament, especially knowing voldemort was in power. “i’m so sorry,” he says quietly, looking down. “so many people failed you. dumebledore was one of them and so was i.” maybe she would try to argue he wasn’t, because she’s the sweetest girl he’s ever met, but it doesn’t stop it from being true. “i would give anything in the world to bring him back to you… you and your family didn’t deserve this.” he hates war and he hates everything these stupid beliefs have done to people. at the end of the day, was it even about fear, or was it about one man seizing power because he needed it to feel anything? regulus doesn’t know the answer, but he hates voldemort all the same.

it’s sweet that she’s offering him her books, as if she want to encourage him. he had friends in the year he died, but he never opened up enough to admit to them the things even his mother shamed him for. he feels vulnerable in a way he hasn’t before, which feels consistent considering he was naked in the forest not long ago. “maybe i’ll read them all and impress you,” he says, already knowing he’s going to anyway. “what’s your type? since you asked what mine was.” he knows it’s him, but he would never get tired of hearing it and in fact he’s using every opportunity to do so.

his hand slides up to the side of her neck as she kisses his cheek, touching her gently even as she pulls away. “you’re my first time, too… if you want to be.” he’s never had sex before, not prioritizing his horniness when he had other things to do. besides, he never liked anyone in a meaningful way, so it didn’t feel right. not when so many girls wanted him, asking him out enough times that it drew ire from james potter, who wanted everyone’s attention and especially lily’s. at least it worked out for him in the end, even if regulus still isn’t sure he would ever like james.

there’s something dirty about their words, especially given they’re in the middle of emma and amos’s dining room. he already feels himself getting hard from her cheek kisses and flirting, but it feels even more intense when she asks him lowly about if he can handle her. he leans in, cupping her face, the plate beside them forgotten (she tastes better than the pancakes, anyway). “are you implying i can’t keep up because i’m older? what happened to respecting your elders, baby girl?” he glances down at her mouth, but doesn’t kiss her. “i can do everything you ask of me and more, and i can do it all night.”

she even curses when she compliments him, which makes him harder. “that’s how i feel about you… i think i would kill someone, just to make you mine.” she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen and he wants to taste every inch of her body, covering her in him. it feels like an inevitable soulmate connection to him, or maybe he’s just a romantic. but even without that emotional connection he would be dying for her, his green eyes glued to her body and checking her out because she’s perfect in every way.

he allows her to lead him to the bedroom, their fingers intertwined and his stomach fluttering. the mood changes a little as they walk in; or maybe it’s just the space cedric left behind. it’s warm and full of fondness, from the handsome smiling boy in the pictures next to a girl smiling just as big, to the warm colored quidditch posters covering the walls. he can tell cedric was a hufflepuff by the banners and even the yellow and black blanket on the bed.

regulus turns to look at bee, who is using her sweetest voice to encourage him to go take a shower, as if she hadn’t just walked into her recently dead brother’s room. his heart aches for her, so he steps forward, folding her in his arms and hugging her to his chest. “thank you,” he says softly, burying his face in her shoulder. he cradles her tightly, his arms sliding down her back.

[fencesandfrogs]

i think the point is, whether or not having to plan around your mom's emotions is bad in a particular scenario kind of depends on the consequences of not doing so.

if the consequences involve her removing access to some basic need, then it's bad because your mom is responsible for providing those and that responsibility should not be conditioned on your behavior.

so i think the crux of the issue, based on what little of the discussion i've seen, is that you do not believe "not getting yelled at for being irresponsible" is something you inherently deserve from your mom, while others around you do.

i also think a possible miscommunication could be happening here; afaik the issue is not "you being irresponsible" necessarily but "you have no memory of what happened to the previous money" which given you have documented memory problems, would pull into question whether yelling at you for that is fair or reasonable.

so when you say "my mom yelling at me for being irresponsible doesn't stop my needs from being met" and others say "your mom yelling at you for being irresponsible is not meeting your needs"

they're maybe actually saying "your mom yelling at you for symptoms of mental illness is not meeting your needs"

so like. idk your life well enough to judge. but i think the question is a) is it irresponsibility or Symptoms (or both)? and b) does yelling at you for symptoms (esp if they're outside your control) count as not meeting your needs?

(also idk if you are counting emotional needs in this discussion. but. as someone who didn't for a really long time and then learned i have neglect-related trauma, it might be worth considering if you're not)

anon i cannot thank you enough for this ask because i've been so confused about this discussion. i was joking with my friends, like, i've seen people have this moment on tumblr before, and i've always been sympathetic, but always like...here hold on screenshot

[transcript: me watching [redacted] do this: i see that you're legitimately confused but i don't know how anyone could break it down any clearer.

me doing this: what the fuck are people saying to me /end transcript]

and now i'm like. "you are all explaining things to me clearly with good words and i should be able to understand them, but i can't."

urgh my hands are cold i know you will experience no time gap but i have to do dishes so i will.

the crux of the issue ... is that you do not believe "not getting yelled at for being irresponsible" is something you inherently deserve from your mom

yeah, pretty much? not that. urgh i'll feel guilty if i don't bring this up but my mom doesn't yell so much as. make you feel like you got yelled at without raising her voice. i've been saying "yell" because there's no short way of saying what she does, and the emotional impact is the same. (source: i've been thru both)

okay that guilt avoided.

anyway yeah, you summed that up pretty well. like...the need is still met if she yells at me. i don't have some inherent right to not get yelled at. she feeds me. that's the need. closed loop.

the issue is not "you being irresponsible" necessarily but "you have no memory of what happened to the previous money"

i don't think i have much to say this was just. an angle i hadn't looked at it from before? i think i've been rly focused on my mom and i know that she doesn't rly care about that kind of thing? she didn't care abt it when i was a kid at least. whenever i complained abt my memory she told me not to make excuses. so like.

i dunno. i feel like it's still irresponsible of me? i doubt i spent it on anything essential. i know when i spent money on some fun stuff i specifically texted my mom and asked her to pull from my savings for that, because i was spending on fun stuff. so like. even if i don't remember it, it's still the same problem?

hm. this whole post will get the commentary welcome tag but i'm specifically saying if people have thoughts on this i'd like to hear them.

they're maybe actually saying "your mom yelling at you for symptoms of mental illness is not meeting your needs"

hm.

urgh i feel all turbulent and weird about this. it's like i know i've said all different things about this? to everyone. to my therapist and my friends and on this blog.

i don't.

sorry i'm feeling really staticky.

okay took a little break because my brain was getting soupy. i think you're right about this, although...i dunno. ig intellectually i get why they're upset, but it feels hard to be upset about it. for whatever reason, i can't apply the rules i'd apply to other people to myself. i don't know why. that's just...how things are.

a) is it irresponsibility or Symptoms (or both)? and b) does yelling at you for symptoms (esp if they're outside your control) count as not meeting your needs?

things to talk about with my therapist, presumably. i'm certainly not finding answers to this all tonight. mostly putting this here to highlight it for later.

idk if you are counting emotional needs in this discussion

honestly i don't even know.

i don't really see all of this as a "basic" need. like, if i accept the premise as true, that she isn't supposed to be like this, i still don't think this is about basic needs. i have food, water, and shelter. i'm getting an education. i have healthcare. idk what my list of basic needs would be, but this whole deal wouldn't be on them.

sigh.

i kinda wanna cry and call my mom about this but i can't call her about her :(

[darthstitch]

fic: but all I want is for you to shine (shine down on me)

1.

This really started with Jeddie.

If it had been up to Rose Walker, she might have wanted to forget about Dream of the Endless, the whole business about being a "child of the Endless," her best friend suddenly ending up pregnant with a magic baby and nearly getting murdered.  Sure it was to save the world and all, but still.  "Mixed emotions" was an understatement.  

Her dreams were blessedly ordinary for a good long while.  Memories of Mom and her childhood, Grandma Unity's dollhouse and her as a little girl playing with it, although she had never gotten to do that in real life.  Sometimes, there were dreams of flying or swimming in a vast ocean filled with stars.  Sometimes it was bits of inspiration for her book.  

And okay, if she had just vented a little bit about how she'd been manipulated in the way she'd written the character of King Somnio, well, who could blame her, right?

"He's really nice, Rose," Jed said to her after reading her very first book - her first published novel, which was still quite thrilling to her.  

"Who's nice, Jeddie?"

"Uncle Dream.  He's nice."

"You call him Uncle Dream now?"  Rose was incredulous.  

Jed chortled. "Yeah, that made him look all funny but then he said, 'I suppose that is technically accurate, Jed Walker, less a few "greats."' Her little brother did his best impression of Dream's deep, resonant voice with the expected comedic results. "He actually liked it. I can tell."

"But why do you say he's nice, Jeddie?"

"He listens and he helps me when I go on adventures as the Sandman and he likes it when I show him my Sandman comics and we get to talk about what we're going to do next as the Sandman, fighting the regular bad guys and the nightmares too." Jed beamed. "He doesn't think it's stupid or silly like… well, not-Uncle Barnaby." He scowled. "Just Barnaby. He's not my uncle anymore anyway."

"Aww, Jeddie. Barnaby's not gonna hurt you anymore. Nobody's gonna hurt you anymore, I promise." Rose drew her little brother close for a hug, still thankful that she'd gotten to him in time.

"Uncle Dream also helps me face the nightmares too, Rose," Jed murmured.

She hugged him tighter.

2.

Rose doesn't expect to find herself in the Throne Room of the Dreaming. Then again, maybe she should have, after that conversation with Jeddie a few days ago.

The King of Dreams is not actually sitting on his throne. He's on the floating staircase that's leading up to it, sitting in a comfortable sprawl, his ridiculously long black coat trailing behind him.

Her book is in his hands.

A hot flush rises up the back of her neck. For some reason she just feels horribly embarrassed, even though she really shouldn't be, because what is there to be embarrassed about right?

There's a faint smile on his face as he's reading her book.

"Hello, Rose Walker. How have you been keeping?"

"Um. I'm… fine?"

"You sound unsure," And he sounds amused, damn him.

"I don't know - I mean, you're reading -- " She gestures helplessly at the book in his hands - her book.

"It's really very good. I rather enjoyed it. Although Lucienne thinks you might wish to be kinder to the King in your next story."

She huffs. "You would think that."

"I said it was Lucienne, not I." His expression turns wry. "I believe the King has gotten no more than what he deserved, don't you think?" He gestures at her to sit next to him - the movement is, as always, regal and graceful.

She does.  She draws her knees up to her chin, blows out a breath.  "Will you tell me about the previous vortex you had to deal with?"

"Why do you ask me this question, Rose?"

"Because I don't know how to feel about you anymore!" She finally explodes.  "I liked you, Morpheus.  And then suddenly, I'm this vortex and I could end up ending the universe and you were gonna have to kill me and I just wanted to find my brother but I'm gonna have to die and then my grandma had to do it and I only just found her and, and after my mom died -- "

She's horrified that she suddenly bursts into tears but she can't stop herself, the words and the feelings just tumble out.

There's a hand on her back, a gentle, almost tentative touch.  Through blurry eyes, she's being offered a handkerchief.  It's white.

She finds herself making a watery, hiccupy laugh.  

"What is it that you find so amusing?"

"I thought it would be black, what with the whole emo goth thing you've got going on."  She takes the handkerchief anyway, blots at her tears, blows her nose with an inelegant snort.  

"I am sorry, you know."  There was a soft sigh.  "I had intended to simply use you to find the other Arcana.  I had a realm to rebuild and I had been away for far too long.  It was wrong of me to treat you thus.  If you fear me now, it is no less than what I deserve."  

"But that's kind of the point, Morpheus.  I don't want to be afraid of you.  Jed isn't afraid of you.  And I don't have so much family left that I can just ignore my newly found great-great uncle, even if he happens to be some kind of magical eldritch being."  

"Dream."

"Huh?"

"Dream is the name I would prefer, for family and dear friends."  

"All right.  Tell me about the story about the vortex."  Rose takes a deep breath and tries it out.  "Uncle Dream."

And he does.  

3.  

"NOPE."

Rose is fully aware that Dream of the Endless is perfectly capable of turning her into a mushroom or a frog or some such thing but she doesn't care. She is far too busy dragging along her not-struggling-too-hard magical eldritch Addams Family member into the nearest Tesco's because this requires reinforcements.  

"You are taking very great liberties with my person, Rose Walker, I hope you realise this."

"Balls or bollocks to that," Rose tells him archly.  She does a quick scan of the freezer.  "HA! FOUND YOU!"  She grabs two tubs of ice cream, coffee and chocolate fudge and hands it off to Dream.  "Hold this.  I'm getting cookies."

"Why are we doing this?"  The tone is hilariously plaintive.  It's adorable.  She's not sure how Hob Gadling has let her ridiculous dramatics-prone uncle out of his sight and reach for even just five minutes.  They're both idiots, she decides then and there.

"Because you are not going to play the tragic figure, standing in the rain, pining over lost love."  Rose pokes him in the chest.  "You are going to tell me about your boyfriend of the past 600 years -- "

"We are not romantically entangled -- "

"THAT'S THE ENTIRE PROBLEM, YOU NUMPTY!"  People are staring, some hastily stifling smiles as they're getting the gist of the situation.  Rose does not care.  "You want to be, right, Uncle Dream?"

"..."

"Sorry, Uncle Dream, I don't speak eldritch mumble."

"yes"  The admission is so soft, so painfully quiet and pained that Rose's heart aches for him.  She settles for gently patting his arm.  

"It is a human rule that these kinds of things are best resolved with ice cream and cookies," She tells him decisively.  

"I have not heard of this human rule."  

There it is, a ghost of a smile fleeting across that pale, handsome face.  If Dream had ever directed the real version of That Smile in Hob Gadling's general direction, he'd have been pounced on immediately. That is, if the man had any brains.  The jury is still out on that, Rose knows.  

"You're hearing it now. So ice cream, cookies and talking like sensible grown-up beings.  No ridiculous tragical pining, not on my watch.  Okay?"

"As you wish."

She chortled.  "See, Princess Bride references already!  You're on the right track, Uncle Dream.  Let's go snag your Dread Pirate Roberts, all right?"

"You realize that you have cast me as Buttercup in this scenario."

"... and Hob is an ancient medieval nickname for Robert.  Your point being...?"

A sigh.  "The point is that I would very much like chocolate chip cookies.  The ones that your brother Jed says are the chunky kind."

Rose blinks.  But Dream looks less like a sad wet cat now and those brilliantly blue eyes are gleaming with mischief, rather than tears.  She's gonna take what she can get.  "Chocolate chunk cookies it is."  

4.

It is entirely due to the Tesco's Ice Cream Incident, which subsequently led to a Certain Pair of Idiots Finally Getting Their Shit Together, that led to Rose being formally inducted into the Conspiracy of the Ravens.  

Okay, so it's a Raven, an ex-Raven-turned-Librarian, Mervyn Pumpkinhead, one son of Adam, a baby Gargoyle and one immortal.  But Matthew said that the name sounded cool and Rose had to agree.  

When Matthew explains to her what the Conspiracy was all about, she finally realized the truth.

Matthew was the shared brain cell between her idiot uncle and idiot history professor.  

Lucienne deserved to be crowned Queen of the Universe, for putting up with so much of this clusterfuckery.  

Her gods-be-damnned grandparent definitely deserved a massive kick in the nuts.  Twice. For her grandma Unity and Dream.

And nope, Certain Things were not going to happen to their Morpheus, not if they had anything to say about it.  

Rose was in.  

5.  

Rose, of course, was absolutely right about Dream's smile and its effect on one Professor Robert "Hob" Gadling.  Folded like a wet paper bag.  Melted like butter on a hot pan.  Absolute slush.  

It was simultaneously hilarious and adorable.  

Rose also noted the more frequent appearance of those smiles and was rather surprised and touched to learn that she and her brother were also causing them.  

As was the first time Dream had referred to her with unmistakable affection as "my dear Rose."  

She also found that it was very useful to have an uncle who also happened to be Prince of Stories and absolutely refused to indulge her own bout of self-pity while suffering writer's block. Being literally carried off to Tesco's for ice cream and cookie therapy was its own kind of mortifying and endearing.

Matthew was no longer her favorite Raven as he had been too busy laughing at her own predicament.

6.  

Excerpt from a book review from The New York Times:

Rose Walker continues to be a fantastic new voice in the realm of fantasy, with the follow up to her best-selling debut novel.  It is also a further expansion of her earlier published short story, "The King of All Night's Dreaming."

She continues her enchanting tale with the charismatic and mysterious King Somnio, who is fast becoming one of the most beloved characters in fantasy fiction.  The character development here is nothing short of compelling, as the layers are peeled away from what we earlier thought was a cold and calculating monarch ...  

The dedication page of Rose Walker's second novel:

For Uncle Dream, our Prince of Stories

-end-

Footnote the First:  The TikTok channel run by the Hellfire Club has a new update.  The hashtag is #storytime.  It has a brief clip of "Professor Thomas Murphy" reading from The Princess Bride.  The audience is a mix of university students and their younger siblings, all clearly having a great time.  

Footnote the Second:  There is also a clip of "Inigo Montoya" (Duncan MacLeod) and "the Dread Pirate Roberts" (Hob Gadling) reenacting their duel on the same TikTok channel.  Clearly, Professor MacLeod was having too much fun delivering the immortal lines:  "My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die."  

Footnote the Third:  Lucienne is a huge fan of Rose Walker's books and is absolutely delighted to read the latest installment when they appear in the Castle Library.  It takes an enormous amount of self-discipline not to spoil anyone as to what happens next.

Footnote the Fourth:  There was a lot of speculation about the dedication in Rose Walker's book and rumors abounded that "Uncle Dream" was, in fact, the real-life inspiration for King Somnio.  Rose declined to comment on this when asked, opting instead for a mysterious smile. 

[sorryimananti-romantic]

Mist | Choi San | Chapter 2

Pairing: Choi San x OC (Seohyun)

Genre: supernatural (ghost), romance, high school

Trigger Warnings: paranormal, death mentions, violence

Words: 7.2k

Disclaimer: I do not own anything except my original character and the story. I do not own any gifs or pictures used.

Full story on Wattpad (don’t spoil here if you read there too)

chapter directory

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A few paranormally uneventful days passed. Seohyun hadn't exactly opened up to the group of boys that she was now able to call friends, but she was slowly getting there. It was hard not to smile when one of them cracked a silly joke, and harder not to laugh when they had a battle of wits.

She was slowly getting used to her new school. She was past the stage of being a new kid and the students in her class had stopped giving her those looks. She was unnoticed, and she loved it.

Today, like every other morning, Seohyun got ready for school, tying her hair in a half ponytail, peeking out of the window to check if she should wear her glasses or cap today. She had to hide her eyes somehow, they always betrayed her. She didn't want anyone to think she liked to stare into the space. But then she shrugged and tossed her glasses in the bag, wearing her cap as she went to the kitchen.

Her mother was a very busy woman and she liked to spend almost all her day in her office. She was rarely home even if she had a day off anyway. So Seohyun just made herself some coffee, munching on some cookies as she waited for the coffee to become cool enough to drink.

"I still don't get why you let the housemaid go," Jiwoo popped out of nowhere and twirled around the kitchen.

"Well, I didn't entirely let her 'go'. She still comes by on the weekends, you already know that."

"But still! What's wrong with having food everyday?" Jiwoo pushed her dark red hair back as she tsk-ed at Seohyun.

"For one, I wanted to learn to cook, and the food she made was always too much for just me. I always had to throw it out or give it to someone before it went bad. Mom's never home to eat anyway."

"I actually hate your mom, no offence," Jiwoo looked at her and Seohyun shook her head, "I mean, what kind of a mother is she?"

"A woman married to her work with an abnormal child, I kind of understand why she's like this," Seohyun muttered.

"Nah, you're not abnormal. You're gifted. And you don't appreciate it enough."

"No offence, unnie, but ghosts are the company I'd rather not have," Seohyun rinsed her cup and placed it on the rack, taking her school bag and locking the door.

"What's wrong with me?" Jiwoo asked.

"You're one of the better ones, but only because you had temporary amnesia before you died and you still don't know who exactly you are and why you're a ghost!" Seohyun snorted at the weirdness of all this.

"You think I'd ever be able to recall? Or just be stuck with you forever?" Jiwoo asked.

"I'd rather you try to move around and find out who you are instead of making me look like I talk to myself."

"Ah, you pain me, child. It's all because you have new friends now and don't care about me anymore. Right, catto?"

The black cat, which Seohyun hadn't noticed earlier, meowed in response.

"And, here comes the pretty one," Jiwoo grinned and Seohyun looked in her direction to find San coming their way.

"Pretty one? Seriously?" Seohyun shook her head.

"I mean, they're all pretty, but I like this kid more-"

"Hey," San gave her a smile as he meowed to the cat, who gladly jumped in San's arm when he put them forward.

"This little-" Seohyun stopped, and San laughed. "She never comes when I ask!"

"She likes me more, it seems," San rubbed her forehead and she purred, and they walked in comfortable silence to school the rest of the way.

They almost reached the gates of the school but something Seohyun saw from the corner of her eye made her stop in her tracks.

It was a ghost, yet it was something else. It wasn't someone who had died recently for sure. The man, the ghost if you could call it that, was bitter.

"You okay?" San asked, looking in the direction Seohyun was looking in. To him, it seemed she was looking at a wall.

"Yeah, I-I'm okay. Why don't you go ahead? I'll be right back. I should take her too," Seohyun picked the cat from San's hand, "We don't want her roaming around the school and getting scared, do we now?"

San raised a suspicious brow at her, but nodded as he reluctantly went in.

The man tried approaching Seohyun first, but she motioned him to follow her and went to the backside of the school, where surely there would be very few people walking by at this time.

"State your business," Seohyun said, and the man actually looked taken aback, if his eyes could display some emotion.

Truth be told, Seohyun was always scared dealing with men ghosts and older ghosts in general. Since ghosts could touch her, they were as much of a threat to her as humans. And these old ghosts, the ones with skin that looked grey, almost as if the ghost had started decomposing too, were usually not in their right mind.

"I have waited decades to find the mediator," the man's eyes gleamed rather wickedly.

"Mediator?" Seohyun asked. A rather fancy term for someone who could see the dead. "And why did you have to wait decades?"

"Let's say the mediator supposed to sort my death out met with rather... unfortunate circumstances," the man cleared his throat but his voice was still hoarse as he said, "You have to come with me."

"Well, if you waited decades, can you wait a few more hours? I have school, and please do NOT disturb me during my class," Seohyun made sure her tone was polite as she said this, but the man grunted. Before he could try anything, she muttered an awkward bye and walked swiftly to the gates, letting the cat go. She didn't realize she'd been holding the cat for comfort.

San, who had just witnessed Seohyun talking to thin air from the other side of the road, sighed loudly as he walked slowly to the gates.

San hadn't meant to follow her, but he turned around after a few steps of walking to the building, hoping to offer to come along with her, but when he saw her stop in the middle of the road and look as if she was actually talking to someone, he paused. He knew he shouldn't, but he watched her. And he did not know what to make of it.

Was Seohyun crazy? Didn't look like it. If she was, she did a damn good job at hiding it. When San finally reached class, he saw Seohyun chatting with Jongho. Perfectly normal. Or was she?

San said nothing as he sat in his spot, but he felt her tap his shoulder. He turned around and she asked, "I thought you went to class, where were you roaming around?"

San stared at her light brown orbs, coming out of the trance when she blinked. "I just wanted to walk around a bit."

He saw her frown but then she nodded and went back to chatting with Jongho. San turned back in his seat, and throughout the classes, he kept wondering if that was the reason why she covered her face or eyes.

When school ended, Seohyun said she had to go somewhere and said bye. San made an excuse too and started to follow her. He was going to see for himself, what she was gonna do.

San knew it was impolite to do this. And he knew if she found out, she'd really be angry with him, maybe never talk to him again. This was supposed to be her secret for sure. She would probably never tell any one of them. He wasn't even sure what it was.

Seohyun led him to an abandoned warehouse, and he heard her say, "Why bring me here?"

She paused for a few second, looking around as if for help, and San ducked quickly behind the boxes before she could see her. He couldn't hear her now, but he did get bits about how it was creepy of 'him' to bring her to this place without warning her, and he didn't miss how she kept looking behind her, as if she was waiting for someone to appear or just didn't want to keep doing this.

Who was this 'him'? Her imaginary friend? A ghost? San shook his head, and got on his feet when he noticed her go inside the warehouse.

San crept up behind them, and couldn't believe what he saw.

The locked door somehow unlocked, somehow the chains fell and the door magically opened wide in front of her, without Seohyun having even moved a finger.

What was happening?

Seohyun was asked to come in the warehouse and she couldn't ignore the roaring of her gut that told her something was going to go really, really wrong. She had such a strong feeling some years ago too, and she had barely gotten away from her life then.

All her nerves screamed at her to run, anywhere, just not go in. Where was Jiwoo when she needed her? Seohyun was kind of furious how she was never there for her.

Seohyun watched the old man walk in, looking around, and before she entered, she turned her head once hoping she would see Jiwoo-

Instead, she felt her heart sink as she saw none other than San, attempting to hide as their eyes met.

"Come in now, don't keep me waiting," the man grumbled, and Seohyun shouted an okay to him before she looked at San, hoping to warn him with her eyes as she put a finger to her mouth, telling him not to make a sound and motioning him to stay where he was.

Seohyun went inside, her heart slamming against her chest. This wasn't supposed to happen. San must think she's crazy or worse. Her mind made a mental list of how many ways this could go wrong.

"I used to think mediators ran in the family. But the one who was supposed to help me, he did not have any offspring. I spent so many years in ignorance, not knowing that it was completely random. Just like god picking up a needle in the haystack."

"Cut to the chase. What do you want with me and why bring me here?"

"I have forgotten why I died. And I want to move on. But I can't because I don't remember why I am still here. Someone told me there were various other ways to move on... Let's say I had to try."

As soon as Seohyun saw the growing smirk on the man, she knew it was time to run the hell away. But several bottles came flying at her, and she barely dodged them as they crashed on the wall next to her.

"You don't have to do this! It's wrong! I help dead people move on, there must be a way other than stupid violence-"

But the man waved another hand and now the boxes came flying at her. She was grabbed by the arm and pulled against someone, and she sighed in both relief and horror as she saw it was San.

"Are you stupid! You'll get hurt!" She yelled at him. He just took her hand and ran towards the shelves, hoping to hide from whatever it was that sent flying objects in the air. He almost dragged her until he was sure he was quite away from whatever it was.

"What the hell is happening?" San asked through his teeth.

"Why did you even follow me? Are you stupid?"

"Who is it?" San's grip on her wrist tightened as his eyes searched around.

"It's a ghost, San. Do you believe me?" Seohyun asked, waiting for a snide remark.

"From what I've seen? Sure," San muttered, and Seohyun wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic.

"He's near. Let's move," Seohyun said, and this time, she grabbed San's hand as she led him through the various shelves that lined the warehouse, glad they weren't empty.

A blast shocked them, making them jump in the air as they realized the shelves were collapsing one by one.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Seohyun ran, San matching her pace and she ran her eyes around, finally finding a place to hide. It was a narrow passage between huge containers. Seohyun looked at her options. The man was blocking the entrance so now they could just hide and pray for help or... die. If that's the worst that was to come.

Seohyun dragged San with her to the narrow passage, both of them barely fitting in the small dark place. Now they were side to side but San's body was still half out, so Seohyun pulled him closer, until he was almost in front of him. Since the passage was so narrow and short, there wasn't much gap between them.

San was a bundle of nerves and all, his heart beating wildly. "What's going on-"

"Shh," Seohyun whispered, putting a hand on his mouth to shut him up, "I'll explain everything later, I promise."

San nodded, taking off her hand from his mouth but not leaving it. Seohyun was too busy concentrating on where the man was to notice it. He saw her wince, and she looked at San with apologetic eyes.

"If something happens to us, I'm sorry, San. I'll do my best to save you. The man-the ghost is after me. I don't know why," Seohyun sighed, and San squeezed her hand assuringly.

"I'm with you. Nothing will happen," he whispered, thinking he must sound stupid to say that. But it must have given her some sort of assurance. She put her head on San's chest, sighing again.

The two of them heard the sounds of things getting destroyed alright, Seohyun hearing the man as well, and Seohyun almost cried in relief as she heard Jiwoo whisper her name.

"I can teleport you, but what about him-"

"Either we both go, or we both stay," Seohyun said firmly. She wasn't going to leave him alone.

"Go where?" San asked. Seohyun told him her friend was here and she could help.

Jiwoo looked at Seohyun and a slow grin appeared on her face. "There is something I could try..."

"What?" Seohyun narrowed her eyes at Jiwoo.

"What if I teleport you, but you're still holding San? Would he come with us?"

"I don't know, unnie..." Seohyun trailed, but an idea stuck to her. "It's the same as when I have something with me right? A bag, a cap, something. But that's objects. What about actual humans?"

"Remember when we accidentally teleported our cat once? It was holding on to you and you had forgotten. What if this works?"

Seohyun bit her lip. It was worth a try. "If it doesn't work, promise me we'll come back to San right then."

"But your body can't handle too many teleportations-"

"Promise me," Seohyun insisted, and Jiwoo rolled her eyes as she nodded. "Hurry up, he's closer."

"San, listen to me carefully," Seohyun said. "You know what teleportation is, right?"

San wanted to ask her if now was really the time, but he said yes- from the movies, and she continued, "I'm gonna attempt to teleport you along with me. My friend is gonna do that. You have to trust me."

"No way," San muttered, sighing deeply.

"Yes, you were stupid and brave enough to follow me, so yes, we are teleporting. I've done it before, but I've never teleported someone... normal with me, so this might not work. So if I disappear, and you're here all alone, I promise you, San, that I'll be back within a minute, okay?"

"How am I supposed to make sense of all you're saying?" San's eyes were helpless.

"Just... trust me. I won't leave you alone. I promise. Now, I have to, er, hold you, so she can teleport us. Gotta make sure I take you with me..."

Seohyun heard Jiwoo snicker, and she passed her a death glare. San, tempted to roll his eyes, held her hands.

"I'm afraid I'll have to hold you tighter. You see, when we teleport, we tend to lose what we're not holding tightly..."

"Oh..." San left her hands, and Seohyun muttered 'here goes nothing' as she wrapped her arms around San's waist, surprised that it was so small.

"Hold me tightly, and no matter what, do not let me go, you understand?"

"Yes ma'am," San said as he bent down to place his chin on her shoulder and bring her closer. "This okay?"

"Yes," Seohyun realized she was holding her breath, so she said, "Take a deep breath, San."

San did so, and Jiwoo smirked a little, watching two scared children hug each other. She came forward, holding Seohyun only, and did her magic.

San felt his stomach twist and turn, saw a million colourful stars, almost got nauseous but his only comfort was Seohyun so he held her tighter and shut his eyes. He didn't open them again until he landed on hard ground, his back aching with the impact.

He opened his eyes and saw... nothing.

He wasn't sure if he was blind or not, but he looked down and saw Seohyun half on top of him, attempting to get up, and he realized he had his vision all right.

"Where the hell," Seohyun got up, "are we?"

"I guess your body could only attempt a half trip," Jiwoo said, and San instantly turned at the voice, making eye contact with the red haired girl.

"That's the ghost friend that teleported us?" San asked Seohyun.

"You can see her!?" Seohyun asked, and San looked at Jiwoo.

"I wasn't supposed to see her, was I?" He raised his brow, and Seohyun looked at Jiwoo.

"Hey, kid, nice to officially meet you," Jiwoo said, holding out a hand to him so he could stand up. San tried to take it, but his hand passed through Jiwoo's hand, and he gasped.

"I guess you can only see then," Seohyun bit her lip as she looked around. "Is this where ghosts come when they... move on?"

"That's where I come when I'm not on planet Earth," Jiwoo said, "It's like another plane, you could say, another dimension overlapping ours, except this one is for ghosts."

"What now? Should we try again?" Seohyun asked, coughing a bit.

"You should take a breather first. Your body can't handle it," Jiwoo nodded at her and Seohyun sat down on the ground, putting her head over her knees as she brought them closer, shivering a little. Jiwoo was right, something was happening to her. Like a cold coming to her.

"Is she okay?" San asked Jiwoo, and she shrugged. San ran his fingers through his hair as he looked around, finding no source of light that illuminated the area around them.

So Seohyun wasn't crazy. Somehow, though it made no sense, she could see ghosts, she could touch them. San looked at Jiwoo and opened his mouth to ask something, but then thought against it. Now was not the time.

"I know you have a lot of questions," Jiwoo commented, "Let's try to get out of here first before we have the talk."

"Has she... ever brought someone here?" San asked.

"This is the first time she came here too," Jiwoo said, "Usually when a ghost teleports her, it's quick and efficient. Much like you see in movies or books."

"We should get out of this place quick. I don't want him to come find us here," Seohyun said, getting up.

"Are you sure you're okay? Can you make it back?" Jiwoo asked.

"I have to," Seohyun said.

Jiwoo nodded, and Seohyun looked at San for permission. San came forward and they both held each other tight as Jiwoo attempted to teleport them again.

This time, they landed on soft grass, but the impact with which they did sent them rolling a bit. San's breath was knocked out of him and he coughed loudly, gasping for breath. As soon as he recovered, he looked for Seohyun-

Seohyun was bent rather awkwardly, and it looked like she wasn't moving. San and Jiwoo both rushed to her, straightening her body. Jiwoo checked if she was breathing.

"She is breathing. She must have collapsed from being tired, don't worry, it's happened before too," Jiwoo assured him.

San sighed, looking up at the sky, wondering what he had gotten himself into. He looked around, finding the place familiar.

"Is this... the park near our school?" San asked Jiwoo.

"Yes, I tried to teleport us as close to Seohyun's home as possible, but looks like we could only make it till here."

"What if someone had seen us appear out of thin air?"

Jiwoo laughed. "They'd probably run for their lives. You'd be aliens."

San smiled a little at that. That's exactly what he would have thought if he had seen Seohyun.

"So are you... Seohyun's friend?" San finally asked.

"You could say that. I'm older than her so she always calls me unnie, but I keep telling her to call me Jiwoo."

"Then I'll call you noona," San smiled, making Jiwoo grin.

"She helps ghosts move on. When someone dies and they have unfinished business that they just can't leave behind, they sometimes choose to become ghosts until they get done with that. Seohyun helps them do that."

"That must be hard..." San wondered if it was always as bad as this time.

"It is, but what happened today is not a common occurrence. The man she saw today, he's been dead for a good while and has forgotten his purpose here. I once heard the other ghosts talk about him too. Ghosts like that, you have to avoid them. They're bitter, and usually mean Seohyun harm."

"So now... I can see you, does that mean I'll be able to see other ghosts too?"

"You'll find out soon," Jiwoo said.

Seohyun woke up with a gasp, her eyes wide. Jiwoo helped her sit up, and Seohyun muttered 'water'. San quickly opened Seohyun's bag and fished out her bottle, which she drank hungrily from, some water spilling down her chin as well.

"Slow down, kid," Jiwoo patted her back. Seohyun emptied the whole bottle, wiping her chin, then felt something run down her nose.

"Nosebleed. Do you have tissues?" Jiwoo asked and Seohyun shrugged, looking upwards and holding her nose. Jiwoo searched through her bag but San took out a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to Seohyun.

"Does this usually happen?" San asked.

"No... it's the first time," Jiwoo admitted. Seohyun nodded too. "When we accidentally teleported the cat with her, she became dehydrated, but that was it."

Seohyun wiped her nose, looking at Jiwoo and she gave her a thumbs up.

"I shouldn't have followed you..." San shook his head, "It's because of me that-"

"You shouldn't have, but I'm kind of glad you did. Jiwoo is unreliable as a ghost friend and who knows what would have happened to me if you were not there? I could have died," Seohyun said nonchalantly.

"HEY!" Jiwoo smacked her arm but Seohyun ignored her.

"But look at you-" San was cut by Seohyun putting her hand up and saying, "I need food, and I mean NOW."

A few minutes later, they were watching Seohyun hungrily gulp down noodles and fried chicken. San had stopped eating midway just to watch her eat with a speed he hadn't ever seen before.

"Are you sure you're even chewing?" He asked, and Seohyun glared at him.

"The food is not going anywhere, Seohyun, slow down," Jiwoo laughed, "seeing you eat like this is making me wish I could eat too."

"Okay, mom," Seohyun said, finally slowing down. They ate the rest of the food silently, then Seohyun decided she'd like some coffee. They decided to walk her home as she sipped on her coffee and answered San's questions.

"Have you ever told anyone?" San asked first.

"Never. My mom only knows because she's, well, my mom and it's weird when a little kid sees stuff nobody else does."

"And what has she done about this?" San wasn't sure if he should have asked this.

Seohyun sighed, "She tried to 'help' me, but then she decided avoiding me was the best way. So now she's married to her work."

"And your dad?"

"He's never been here in the first place."

"Oh..." San faltered, but saw Seohyun shrug. "You can ask me anything, San. You deserve an explanation. Don't hesitate."

"Why can you see ghosts?"

"I don't know that either," Seohyun smiled as she looked at the sky. "Born this way?"

"Would you have ever told us?" San asked. Seohyun stopped walking at that, and faced him.

"To be honest, I've never made friends, San, because of this reason. That someone would find out. They'd never believe me, they'd think I'm crazy. So I don't know if I would have told you guys, ever," Seohyun paused, "But you found out, and you witnessed everything. What do you think?"

San scratched his neck. "I think you're right. I don't think any of us would have believed you. We'd have dismissed it as a joke. But now that I did see everything... It's different now. I hope you understand that."

"You sure you don't want to, I don't know, ever talk to me and all?"

San smiled. "You think I'd abandon my friend just like that?"

Seohyun couldn't help but stare at San, his sharp eyes that grew warmer every time he smiled, how they slightly curved.

"I want you to know that if it was anyone of us, and they had seen what I had seen, they would have never abandoned you. We don't take our friendships lightly."

"That's... good to hear," Seohyun finally smiled. "Do you think they'd believe us if we tell them?"

"They'd need some convincing, but yes, they would. Do you want to tell them?"

"Not yet," Seohyun said, "When the time is right."

San nodded, and squeezed her hand. "If you're ever in danger, you tell me, okay? If you need anyone, or anything, you tell me, got it? You don't have to face this alone anymore."

Seohyun almost cried right there, but she held it back, squeezing his hand back and nodding. They walked a few minutes until she finally reached home.

"Thank you, San. For everything." Seohyun smiled at him, and this time it was a true smile. San was actually taken aback. It felt like she had truly smiled for the first time, unfiltered.

"Anytime," San managed to say, and watched her go in. He took a deep breath, trying to shake off the image of Seohyun smiling, but found himself smiling too.

Meanwhile, Seohyun collapsed as soon as she entered, and she allowed herself to cry, both happy and sad tears, happy that someone finally understood her, and sad that it hadn't happen earlier. Jiwoo sat down with her, silently rubbing her back.

----------------

Seohyun almost slept in the next day, only woken up for school when Jiwoo threw her off the bed for 'sleeping like a sloth'. She couldn't exactly blame her. Seohyun had been so tired that after crying her heart out, she'd only had the energy to change before she collapsed on her bed and slept without moving an inch.

"My whole body hurts like I did some major workout," Seohyun mumbled as she tried running towards school, but gave up. She'd just walk.

"I don't recall you having such after effects after a teleportation," Jiwoo wondered.

"When it's just me, I'm only drained a bit. Like running. But even when I took the cat accidentally, my head hurt a lot. This time it was a whole human."

"Maybe because they aren't meant to be there," Jiwoo shrugged, meowing at the cat who appeared out of nowhere as usual. "Sometimes I think you might have transferred this teleportation thing to your cat too."

"Except 'I' can't teleport. You ghosts can," Seohyun corrected. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't tried teleporting herself home from school. How cool would that have been?

Jiwoo picked the cat and quickly passed it to Seohyun so no one would witness a flying cat. Seohyun draped her over her shoulder so Jiwoo could play with her. As they were walking, they saw San standing in a corner. He waved, then joined them.

"Hi noona," he said, and Jiwoo tried poking San but her hand went through him.

"I guess you can still only see," Jiwoo shook her head, continuing to pet the cat.

"You can touch the cat? And she sees you?" San asked, curiously watching them.

"Ever since we accidentally teleported her, I can touch her. But I'm pretty sure she could see me before too. All cats can, I think."

"Interesting..."

"Were you... waiting for us or something?" Seohyun finally asked.

"I was. I couldn't sleep last night, truth be told. I kept thinking about what happened. In fact, I'm surprised I didn't freak out..."

"I'm more surprised about that," Seohyun admitted.

"Meanwhile Seohyun here slept as soon as she reached home and I had to wake her up for school too," Jiwoo flipped her hair dramatically. Seohyun scoffed at that.

"You must be very tired... Are you okay?" San asked.

Seohyun nodded, and before she could say something they heard someone calling their names. It was Wooyoung and Yeosang. They joined them, Wooyoung putting his arm over San's shoulder as he said, "You're early today. You usually come in last minute."

"I woke up early today," San said casually, his eyes darting towards Seohyun unconsciously. Yeosang noticed that, trying to stop the smile creeping on his mouth as he looked between Seohyun and San. Seohyun gave him a warning glare, one she made sure was strong enough.

As they waited for class to start, Seohyun was resting her head on the desk. She couldn't quite believe the fact that someone now knew who she was, and was not disgusted or freaked out by her. She couldn't stop wondering what the future would be like, what if this group of boys would really get her to warm up to them, and how they would react if they found out.

San turned around in his seat, a frown growing on his face as he noticed how tired she looked. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Just very, very tired," Seohyun sighed, lifting her head.

"What if the ghost-man comes here?" San asked.

"Oh. I'd totally forgotten about him..." Seohyun bit her lip, "Well, he knows better not to make a scene in front of people, so chances are he won't."

"Chances? That ghost was dangerous!" San hissed, "What if he does come here?"

"Jiwoo must be out on watch. She'd warn me." Seohyun said, and San looked a little relieved at that. "It's not like the ghost can hurt you, so don't worry."

San rolled his eyes. "I'm worried about you, stupid."

"Oh," Seohyun paused. "You don't have to. I'll be fine."

San tsk-ed at her, turning back in his seat. Seohyun stared at the back of his head. Yunho dragged his seat towards Seohyun as he said, "You both are getting along rather well."

"Well," Seohyun slumped back in her seat, "he keeps talking."

Yunho laughed at that, "He's been thinking of names for your cat too."

"I won't approve if I don't like it. He knows that, right?"

"I'll give a good name, don't worry," San turned back in his seat, having overheard the conversation.

"I don't have much expectations from you, to be honest," Seohyun said casually, tucking her hair behind her ear, "I think Jongho there could give a much better name. He looks like he actually uses his brain."

Yunho and San looked at each other and giggled at that. Her observation was true. Jongho was infamously known as the 'only braincell' of the group. Yunho told her that, which actually made her smile.

"See? I know how to spot the smart ones."

"Who do you think is the most dumb one out of us?" San asked, attempting to make puppy eyes so she won't pick him. Seohyun looked at each one of them slowly, then said, "I haven't talked to you all much, but Wooyoung looks like he doesn't really like to use his brain."

The pair of them laughed so loud at that, catching the rest of the boys' attention as Seohyun tried to shut them up. But they were in tears, slapping their thighs as they laughed.

"Can the both of you stop? San you're second dumbest, just so you know."

That just made them laugh harder. The boys slowly came to them, muttering how they wanted to know what was 'so funny that they were howling'.

"She thinks the smartest one of us is Jongho, and the dumbest is Wooyoung," Yunho finally explained.

Wooyoung was laughing at first until he realized and yelled "HEY!" Jongho giggled, looking satisfied.

"Your brain processing is just a bit slow, that's all. No offence," Seohyun muttered.

"I mean, she's not wrong..." Hongjoong made an impressed face.

"Where do I stand?" Mingi asked, "I'm the second smartest right?"

"From below, yes," Seohyun said, making them all laugh. They all insisted that she rank them, and then they'd tell her if she was right about this.

"I don't actually think you're dumb, okay? This is just a joke, don't take it seriously-"

"I know, we all know," Wooyoung assured her, smiling warmly, "carry on."

"...Okay," Seohyun hesitated a bit then started, "Hongjoong is smartest obviously but Jongho is quite smart too? He seems more mature. Then Yeosang or Seonghwa, San somewhere in the middle depending on how awake he is, not sure about Yunho, but Mingi and Wooyoung... well they're pretty close. Because they don't like using their brains..."

"Most of it is accurate," Hongjoong agreed, "Yunho is more lucky than smart."

"Ah.. must be nice to be god's favourite," Seohyun scoffed. "But hey, I like Mingi and Wooyoung. They make you all laugh. That's more important."

Mingi and Wooyoung clapped at that, finally approving.

------------

It was finally after school, when San insisted on accompanying her to her home so she would get there 'safe', that they encountered the old ghost right outside her house.

"Get behind me" San protectively pushed Seohyun behind her.

"I appreciate the gesture, San, but this won't work. Use your brain."

"Oh... Right," San scratched his head and Jiwoo, who had also been with them the entire time, stepped forward.

"We can talk this out like civil human beings and ghosts. Then you can decide if you really want to kill Seohyun."

"NOONA!" San shouted in disbelief but she dismissed him with a wave of her hand.

"Very touching, all this, but I agree, we can have a normal conversation," the old man said.

"How long have you been a ghost exactly?"

"So long that I have forgotten my purpose, girl," the ghost snickered. "I heard from some older ghosts that killing the mediator by our own hands would make us move on."

Seohyun saw San and Jiwoo both tense. "And you thought you'd check?"

The old man nodded. "The mediator before you... Some other ghost killed him. It was some sort of revenge. He was supposed to help me."

"I could help some other way, because killing me doesn't really sound like a solution to me... Like, think about it. It doesn't make sense."

"Are you sure you aren't saying that because you don't want to die yet?" The old man smirked.

"Oh please," Seohyun faked swagger, "If I had an option, I'd kill me too." San shook his head at her.

"Very well. I'll hear you out."

Seohyun explained that she knew an old shaman who helped ghosts with no purpose to move on. It took some convincing and death threats to Seohyun, but she finally made him realize that it might be his one and only option now, and that he should just 'stop being a pain and move the hell on'.

"If it turns out to be a scam, I promise I'll come for you, whether it helps me move on or not."

"Please do," Seohyun replied nonchalantly. The ghost signaled to Jiwoo and they disappeared.

San turned to see that Seohyun was now leaning against the wall, wiping sweat from her forehead as she sighed in relief. "Nice acting."

Seohyun looked at him once before drinking from her water bottle. She had noticed the disapproval in his voice. She stared at him when she was done, and he stared back for a good few seconds before he finally sighed loudly.

"How can you be so... stupid at times like these?"

"How was that stupid? I talked to him and poured sense into him. And it worked. I don't see the problem."

"Does your life mean nothing to you?" San asked.

"San, chill, it was just acting-"

"Those ghosts can touch you!" San was louder this time, making Seohyun flinch a little, "They can hurt you like any other human, hell, they can hurt you in worse ways than that! How can you be so relaxed when gambling with your life?!"

Seohyun watched as San ran a hand through his hair frustratingly, clearly holding himself back. His whole body was tense, his jaw was set and he was not having any of it.

"Are you done?" Seohyun asked, making sure it came out soft. San shook his head.

"I've been seeing ghosts my entire life. My mom took me to all sorts of people for help. You think I don't know how dangerous it is? I learned from the worst. And I'm old enough and experienced enough to know how to handle rogue ghosts like these. Trust me on that."

"I know you are, Seohyun," San admitted, "I just hate it when you talk about your life like it means nothing. Like you'd have no problem if something happened."

"Let's just say I haven't had something I'd like to live for yet," Seohyun said.

San locked eyes with her. "I'll make it change now."

"What?"

"There's so much to life. I know you haven't had the best life, but you have people you can rely on now. And I'll make sure you'll have something to live for."

"What do you live for?" Seohyun asked, curious.

San smiled. "My parents, my grandparents, my friends. And myself."

"Doesn't it... get too much? Living for all of them... must be hard. And boring."

"What's hard and boring is when I had nothing to live for," San said, "When life became repetitive, and I didn't really love anyone, including myself. But now... I have something to look forward to. And no matter if it gets hard, I'll have people to lean on. So ask yourself this, Seohyun. Is it hard living like me or is it hard living like you?"

San knew his words had crossed her, so he locked eyes with her for a second longer before he waved and left for home, leaving Seohyun wondering if she really had wasted all her life repelling people, and if it really had been a wise decision.

prev - next

[daughters-of-liberty]

I see where you're coming from, but let me lay out my problems with people in my family, using your tags as a good layout, lest I go into a tirade...again.

First off, what makes you think I hold myself to a lower standard than those around me? On the contrary, I hold myself to the highest standard, while everyone around me routinely let's me down and gets away with it scott-free. But sometimes the standards are totally achievable and they still wildly disappoint me. For example, I would never, say, ruin my granddaughter's birthday consistently, year after year and make it about me, where I wanted to eat, what I thought would be the best gifts to get her, not about what she wants. I would never do that. My grandmother always did, though. And damn you if you brought this up to her! She'd make an even bigger scene! So, no, I am not harder on my elders than I am on myself...and they're still disappointing.

See, in my family, if I try to communicate my hurt feelings, they'll tell me "you're being overly emotional" or "you need to grow a sense of humor!" But when you hurt their feelings? Oh, boy...you might as well have just violated the Geneva Conventions. Yes, even if it was unintentional.

I'll give another example here, my mother is otherwise pretty great, but she had this nasty habit of calling me a twig, because I was the skinniest in my family for a loooong time, whereas she had gained weight after having me and constantly struggled with losing that weight and had poor self image issues ever afterwards because of it; she routinely referred to herself as a beached whale.

One night, we were making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and she asked to grab the peanut butter from the pantry for her. I asked if she wanted smooth or chunky, "chunky" she said. Now, we always bought Skippy brand peanut butter and their chunky PB is called "Superchunk". Instantly, I started singing "superchunk" to the tune of "Superfreak", which is a song about a girl. "She's a super chunk, super chunk, she's super chunky." And my mom started inexplicably crying and locked herself in the bedroom for the rest of the night. I was at a loss, my dad (who was also overweight) was totally confused, and I didn't know what I did wrong. I should mention I was 12 at the time and just singing a silly song, something that was a normal form of humor in my household growing up.

Later my dad told me it the reason why mom wigged out over my impromptu song. I felt bad. But also felt like...idk, she kinda overreacted? And every person I've told this story to has agreed with me, including my therapist, who is very good at seeing things from other people's points of view.

So there's one story of how I hurt someone's feelings in my family, completely accidentally. I won't begin to list all the times I've had my feelings hurt, sometimes intentionally, with the aim of giving me "a thicker skin". God, I would LOVE to communicate my feelings without being told I'm too emotional or a crazy bitch. I would kill for that.

See, that's the problem, here. This is how I go through life. This how I've gone through life since my earliest memories. I've constantly walked on eggshells to make others happy. And the few times I thoughtlessly attempt to make jokes or be silly, like the above situation, I end up hurting someone. I'm so sick and tired of people telling me to think about others. Again, what makes people think I don't do that?

I give myself literal migraines and stomach cramps trying to calculate what I say and how I say it are going to affect the people around me. And then, the people around me wonder why I'm so quiet all the time. 🤦‍♀️

And this isn't your fault; you're a random person on the internet. You don't know me. You might even be a bot! I don't know!

But the fact that my family, the people who "know me best", assume I'm careless in my interactions with them when, at every conversation growing up, I felt like like I was in a scene of Game of Thrones, particularly, any scenes between Sansa and Cersei. I didn't even know what Game of Thrones was at the time! But that's how it felt; one misstep and I was done for. But they could blatantly insult me to my face and I'd have to say "thank you for your generosity".

That's the saddest part: they don't know that they're abusive. Because, again, I try to communicate my feelings and I'm the bad guy. But also because the one trait that my mother, my father, my grandparents on both sides, and my MIL all have in common is: "I'm. Always. Right."

There is no reasoning with them. There is no telling them what you need to change.

Indeed, the few family members I've gone no contact with always tried to tell me "I can't guess what's wrong, you need to tell me". I did. They just weren't listening. "I can't fix it if I don't know it's broken."

Well, you should've known it was broken from the last, I don't know, DOZEN times we've had a fight about something and I say "you'll never change," because you never do? I know it's ignorance, but I just can't tell if it's willful or not.

I'll finish this with a question for you:

Is that good enough for you? Is that actually okay?

Because, let me tell you, as the ONLY person in my life who is a) going to therapy actively, b) managing without medication, and c) managing without illicit drugs or alcohol, I gotta say, it gets old when people tell me I'm not working hard enough on my mental health issues when they're not even working on theirs, period. Add being pregnant on top of that, and yeah... I'm bout damn ready to block all of them.

Again, I'm the bad guy for not changing fast enough when they're not even changing. I'm the bad guy for setting up healthy boundaries. I'm the bad guy for being firm in protecting my feelings. I'm the bad guy for taking breaks from certain people in my life who are exhausting for me to be around when I'm not pregnant. I'm the bad guy for taking my health into my own hands. I'm the bad guy for debating family in regards to MY birth plan.

My family can use and abuse me until the cows come home, but I'll be damned if they treat my children the way I was treated.

So you gotta ask yourself, too: even if you can contend with your mother not going to therapy and not changing her behaviors, can your children? I genuinely hope you never have to cut her out of your life one day due to these behaviors. I genuinely hope your children never cut her out of their lives due to these behaviors. I genuinely hope your kids never confide in you about something really hurtful your mother said them.

But, God forbid, if they ever do, I hope you do better than my own mother did and tell her "hey, you gotta go to therapy or you can't see the kids anymore." You gotta stand up to people who are being hurtful, if not for yourself, then for your kids.

So, going back to your original statement, no. I will continue to hold my elders to the same stages I hold myself. Only now that I'm not only fighting for myself but also my baby, when they disappoint me, because they always do, there will be consequences.

I'm gonna say it: I actually hate being pregnant.

I'm tired all the time. I'm hungry all the time. Everyone is so excited and I'm not. Everyone is offering me advice I didn't fucking ask for. Everyone is telling me what to eat and what prenatals to take. We've already picked out names either way, but my MIL wants the middle name to be her name if it's a girl. I just feel like everyone is making MY pregnancy and MY baby about them, and I'm sick of it!!

And I swear to God, if I read one more pregnancy article, trying to find an answer to a question I have, and I read the words "you got this mama!" one. more. FUCKING. time... blood will be shed, I don't give a fuck.

[oddsnendsfanfics]

Unraveling in the Sheets

Genre: Fan Fiction

Pairing: Henry Cavill/OFC

Warnings: Language, Sexual Content, NSFW

Rating: M

Length: Short Story

Disclaimer: a strict work of fiction, I own nothing except the original characters and the plot line. In no way am I affiliated to any of it.

A/N: Spoiler Alert, there is smut. Be warned. It's there.

Also, I am no longer doing tags on posts. Since my list exceeds the tag limit. Please feel free to join the chat in place of the tag list.

Henry Cavill Master List

“How did you do it though?” Gliding the car into a free parking space, Henry glanced at Nell in the passenger's seat.

“How did I do what?” Eyeing him curiously, she tried to hide her gloating smile. She could be a terrible winner, even if she wasn't the winner, she had came ahead of Henry.

“You know what I mean, Nelly.”

He looked so silly, his new mustache curling when he laughed or smiled. Nell had to admit, if any man could wear the 'stache Henry did it well.

“Oh, you mean how did I suddenly leave your ass behind and finish nearly 50 positions ahead?” She laughed, crinkling her nose. “I told you, I've been working hard for this. Besides, you're too big. You move slower than I do. It's that simple. Maybe next year, you will finish ahead of me.”

“You're impossible.” Unbuckling his seat belt, Henry hurried to get out of the car and around to the other side, before Nell could open her own door. Nearly there, he frowned when she opened the door, stepping out of the Aston Martin. “You were supposed to let me open that.”

“I am supposed to do a lot of things that I do not.” Nell grabbed her hand bag. “I'll let you open the door, next time. You big dork.”

Henry was always the gentleman, even when Nell would rather rip his eyes out than speak to him in a civil manner. Not that she ever felt the former much, but on the rare occasion. Sometimes that's how things went for ex-lovers. The mid May air was growing cool, leaving a few goosebumps on Nell's exposed arms. She had expected to be back before now, which is why she'd left her sweater in the hotel.

“Well, happy late birthday. It was nice having dinner with your family. I've missed them.”

“They've missed you, too. I could tell that dad was happy you came along. He hasn't talked that much during a dinner since the last time you came over.” Henry smiled fondly. "I'm glad that you came, Nelly." Hands in his pockets, Henry sauntered along beside Nell. Approaching the main entrance, he held the door allowing her to enter. 

When he'd invited her for the weekend, he wasn't confident that she would come. Wrapped up in work, Nell didn't take too much time away from Dublin these days.

"It was a nice break from work." Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, Nell bit her bottom lip. "I know that you are busy, but do you have a few minutes to talk?"

"I always have time to talk with you." Scanning the hotel lobby, Henry tried to find a spot for them to sit and chat privately. "Should we have a seat at the bar?"

"We could, but I would really like to change. Do you mind coming up with me? We can just talk in the room. It's probably more comfortable anyway."

"Is this about the wild boy?"

"Isn't it always?" 

Laughing, Henry pushed the call button for the elevator. Their son was truly something else. One day he would surely take over the world; Henry could see that coming from the day he was born.  To say Ivan was Henry's pride and joy would be a massive understatement. He lived for their son. This weekend having Ivan, and Nell, in Jersey had been fantastic. A short glimpse of what life could have been. The ding of the elevator brought Henry back from his brief fantasy.

He and Nell had split up several years ago, there wasn't much chance she would feel the same as he did. Lost in the thoughts of happy little family. Allowing Nell to step onto the elevator first, Henry stood silently with his hands clasped in front of him.

“So, Ivan has been doing well in school?” He may as well get this under way.

“Define doing well,” Nell snickered. “I get a call nearly every day from his teacher. The woman is impossible, but knowing our son, he isn't making it easy for her.”

“I was like that in school. Right up until the day I left.” Henry shrugged. The elevator gently bumping to a stop, he stepped forward to hold the door for Nell.

Muttering a thank you, Nell dug for her key card, leading the way down the hall. She loved this hotel, it was the only one she stayed in, if she could help it, while visiting the Island. A great view of the water on one side, the other dazzling with a fantastic look out into the city. The first time she'd ever been to Jersey, she had stayed in the hotel and fell in love with the charm. There were days when that felt like a life time ago.

Opening the door, Nell paused to allow Henry in. “Have a seat. Anywhere you'd like. Sorry it's kind of a mess. I'm going to change.”

The hotel room was anything but a mess, minus the few sketch books that Nell had dropped on the bed. Always working. Henry took a seat on the edge of the king sized bed, casually glancing at the colour coded notes and designs that Nell had in one of the open sketch books. Costumes. A few notes detailed leather armor and Viking era clothing. She'd done well for herself, since he'd met her. The same shy costume apprentice hiding out on set of The Tudors, was now helping drive forward the details of Vikings.

In the bathroom, Nell pulled off her dress. The fabric had became clingy after a while and she needed to be more relaxed. Running shorts and a tshirt would do the trick. Sighing at her reflection, she bit her bottom lip glancing down at her top. The worn coral Nike tshirt was her favourite, it was showing the love and wear in a few spots. Perhaps she should have picked something less frumpy? She was a busy, single mom she didn't have to look the part. Ah fuck, who cared. Henry certainly wouldn't.

He was here to discuss their son, not flirt with her until she gave in to that smile. Or got lost in his eyes, those gorgeous blue eyes – the left with the flecks of brown. His charm alone was enough to make anyone weak in the knees. Damn it, she needed to get over it. He had moved on. She needed to do the same.

Blowing out a breath, Nell reached for the door, pausing when she heard Henry talking. His tone told her that he was speaking to Ivan. Quietly slipping out of the bathroom, she smiled.

“Hold on, just a sec.” He pushed the screen of his phone, allowing the speaker to connect. “Alright, wild boy. Say goodnight to your mum.”

“Mum, momma, mum.” Ivan's voice filled the room. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Ivan. Are you being a good boy?”

“Uh huh. I love you. Good night.”

“Good night, wild boy. I love you.”

“Night dad.”

“Good night, I love you. I'm going to be back soon, you go to bed and I will see you first thing in the morning.”

“Okay. Oh, dad, can Kal sleep in my room tonight?” Ivan was fond of the large black and white American Akita. Henry laughed.

“Of course he can. You and Kal go to bed, now.”

“Okay, bye.” A little too quickly, Ivan hung up the phone. Henry laughed at the eagerness, he would talk to his mother when he got back to the house. Making sure that Ivan and his dog had gone to bed as they were told, with no fuss.

"Can you believe he is growing this fast? My god where has that time gone?" Henry rubbed his hands against his face. His mustache and subtle stubble scratching his palms. 

"Time is a cruel mistress." Rubbing her hands on her shorts, Nell stood. "Drink? I have a bottle of Johnnie Walker." 

"Of course you do." Smirking, Henry shifted on the side of the bed. “I had a look at some of these designs, by the way. They're magnificent. My god, Nell, you are so talented.”

“You're saying that to be nice,”

Shaking his head, Henry accepted the glass, resting it on his knee. “No, I am saying it because its true. You are one of the most talented costumers that I had ever met. Are you enjoying the job?”

“I love it.” Nell smiled, leaning against the large wooden desk in the corner. “The work is great, the people are amazing, and Ivan is really enjoying it. I'm glad we went.”

“Good, that's good. He talks about it, a lot. He really seems to love being there. I'm glad. Once things settle, I am going to try and come visit. I kind of miss it, Dublin.”

“You should.” She smiled fighting the urge to scoff and roll her eyes. Henry was always busy. He'd make it to Dublin, when Hell froze over. “So, how is work coming on this new character.”

“I can't say much, but I can say that I will be happy when I can shave.” He rubbed the mustache expertly. “It's not as bad as some of the beards that I've had to grow, but it's not my favourite look.”

“You look good with a beard. I know you hate them, but you do.”

Leaning forward to set his glass on the bedside table, Henry licked the whiskey off of his lips. “I'm glad to have that compliment.”

“Sure.” Nell nodded, tipping her glass to finish the drink. “Another?”

“Uh, I'm good.” Henry motioned to his glass. Rubbing his hands across his jeans, he furrowed his brow. “I've been thinking, since I am fairly busy the next few months, what if I keep Ivan for a few extra days? Once you leave, I will take him back to London with me, until I have to go.”

Shifting on the bed, her face warm from the second glass of whiskey, Nell sniffled and cleared her throat. “What about school?”

“What about it? He isn't going to miss much, is he? They're nearly finished up and I don't know how long it will be, until I see him. Possibly not until Christmas.”

All he wanted was to spend a little time with his son, was that so hard? His next move would have to be calculated, Nell had been known to stat arguments over less. If Henry wanted to avoid a shouting match, he would have to go about this carefully. Reaching for his glass, he downed the remaining contents in one large gulp. Sighing.

“I want to hang out with him a little. It wouldn't be more than three days extra. Then you get some time alone, as well. Nell, I know that you need a bit of a break. You work so hard and take care of Ivan, please.”

“If you want to, then I suppose I can't really say no. What kind of mother would I be, if I didn't let you see him?”

“Don't say things like that, please.” Henry reached out, his hand taking hers. Gently stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. “You are a wonderful mum. You know that.”

“Sometimes, I feel like I could do better. I really do.” Nell shrugged, allowing Henry to continue holding her hand.

“All parents feel that way, I am sure. I know that I feel like that, all the time. I guess it's natural, always wanting to do better, to be better, for our children.”

There he went again. There were times when Nell could not stand to be near him, other times she wanted to be as close as possible. Damn it. Watching him talk about Ivan and the few extras days they would be together, Henry's eyes lit up. His smile broad and the enthusiasm in his voice was one that dictated proud father. Nell nodded, only because she felt it was appropriate to the conversation.

Henry continued to chatter about how he wanted to take Ivan to a new exhibit at the Natural History Museum, in London. Leave it to the father and son, finding a day at the museum to be high on the list of fun. Nell sighed, continuing to half listen, half gaze at Henry in awe. One thing she loved – well love could be a strong word – adored? Enjoyed? About Henry was how much he loved Ivan.

Mid sentence about some Sir David Attenborough documentary that he'd watched with Ivan; Nell couldn't help it any longer. Leaning in, without warning, she grabbed Henry's face turning it to her and kissing him. Lips connecting, she stopped and jumped back as if hit by an electric shock.

Clearing his throat, Henry rubbed the back of his neck, but not pulling back. “I didn't know that the National Geographic was that exciting.”

“I'm sorry.” Hiding her face in her hands, Nell shook her head. Oh that had been a mistake. She had absolutely no right. None. Henry was crazy, if he didn't get up right now and walk out. If he was angry, then she deserved that.

Blushing, Nell shook her head. “Henry, I shouldn't have.”

“I'm certainly not going to complain.” He shrugged, leaning in his arm sliding around her shoulder. Nell glanced up, getting the nerves to look at him. Oh she had fucked up. “Next time, I would like some warning though.”

“Warning? Next time?”

“Hmm, yes. Kind of like this, close your eyes.” Henry instructed pulling her closer and kissing her. Nell sighed her body melting against him. She loved the way his lips felt on hers. Soft, with a slight force.

Straddling his waist, her arms wrapped around his neck, Nell's fingers laced together. Her lips leaving his, tracing along his jaw, nearing the sweet spot below his ear. A slight nip and he was an unraveling mess. Henry nuzzled his face into her hair, she smelled amazing. Comforting and warm. A groan erupted from deep in his throat, as predicted she had gone straight for that spot.

“Nell, Nell,” Henry cleared his throat, holding her at arm's length, “Janelle, stop.” Looking for any sort of sign that she truly felt that this wasn't a good idea, he sucked in a breath. “Are you sure about this? Because if we continue, I won't stop until...”

“I am.” She nodded firmly, “I don't want you to stop. I don't want to stop. Oh god, Henry. Please.”

“I need to know that you truly, absolutely want to do this.”

“If you don't stop talking and bend me over, I am going to kick you out and do this myself. Please, stop talking. If I didn't want this, I wouldn't have started it.”

A deep rumbling laugh followed, Henry rolled his eyes. God, she was something else. Who was he to deny a gorgeous woman what she wanted? Would this come back to haunt him? Probably. Did he care? Not much. Come morning they would once again go their separate ways, but that didn't matter right now. Right now, he could pretend that he had everything he wanted. And what he wanted was her.

Pulling her to him, Henry kissed her hard. Nell moaned, the force of the kiss was nearly dizzying. Arms around his neck, she rubbed her body against his, trying to grasp the friction that was created when she started to grind herself against his thighs.

“Henry,”

“Hold on, you need patience.” He brushed a bit of hair out of her face, “all in good time.”

Nell squealed when he stood, her legs desperately scrambling to hold onto him. In a futile attempt she huffed, when he let her go, standing in front of him pouting. Unbuttoning his shirt, Henry smirked giving her a heated stare. “Well, are you going to get on the bed or make me do all the work? Shorts off.”

Sliding the mesh shorts down her ass and along her legs, Nell made a bit of a show letting them pool at her feet. Stepping out, as slowly as possible, while lifting the old tshirt from her body. Allowing it to go where it would, as she dropped it. Sitting back on the bed, she could feel her heart in her throat and her stomach where her heart should be.

“Lie back.” Henry instructed, kneeling at the edge of the bed. Arms around her thighs, guiding her to him, he studied her for a moment. She was trembling as his fingers slid across her thighs, positioning her in just the right way.

“Oh god, Hen-Henry.” Nell's mouth was suddenly dry and her voice hoarse. His hot breath between her legs was tormenting her, in unimaginable ways. In anticipation she bucked her hips forward, trying to clench her thighs. Holding her knees with his shoulders, Henry chuckled.

“Eager.”

“Please.”

“You are...” He lingered, kissing the inside of her leg. “Gorgeous. Look at you.” He brushed his thumb against her. Nell whimpered trying to push further. “Hold on, hold on.”

“Why are you teasing me?”

“Because I want to enjoy the view, for a moment.” He shrugged, her legs lifting gently. A hand on her lower abdomen, as if holding her in place, he used the other to gently tease and trace along her calf. Without warning, his lips attached to the most sensitive part of her body with his mustache adding an extra sensation, Nell bucked her hips hard, shoving his face further between her thighs.

Nell's head was swimming, it had been a while since she'd felt this good from such an act. Sure, she'd had the odd date here and there, semi-serious relationships, but nobody could do this the way Henry could. He was a fucking magician, she was certain of it. Humming against her mound, Henry couldn't hide the laughter in his eyes, when she began to squirm and wiggle against his face. She was desperate and he was going to prolong this as much as he could.

Sucking her clit, his tongue generously lapping at her, he thoroughly enjoyed the show. Pushing his head as far down as she could, Nell was nearly in tears each time he leaned in, his mustache tickling in just the right way. Oh god, she gasped trying hard to find release. Henry was cunning, backing off at the right moments.

“Henry,” She whined, threading her fingers through his hair. “Don't tease me, I really need you to finish.”

“Stop being so impatient.” He was teasingly stern. Pushing her hands away, he locked his fingers with hers, holding them at her side. Lifting his head, he smirked, kissing up her body ending with another dizzying kiss. Nell sucked on his tongue, freeing her hands from his, she tugged him closer, pulling at fistfuls of hair.

Cleaning herself from his tongue and lips, she sighed. “I'm going to need more than that.”

“You're sure?” Henry paused, holding his weight on his forearms, resting above her. His jeans still on, he could feel the strain against the denim.

“Jeans, off.” She demanded, sitting up to watch. Shivering against the slight chill, her breasts on display giving him the perfect view of her erect nipples. Nell blushed under his gaze. She was not the tight, toned, and perky body she once was. She wasn't out of shape, by any means, but compared to Henry...

“You are gorgeous.” Henry complimented, his jeans on the floor, boxers being pushed down to join them. Stepping out of his pants, he stood at the side of the bed, in all his glory.

Nell licked her lips, reaching out to take him in her hand. Hissing under her touch, Henry involuntarily bucked his hips forward into her hand. Rubbing the head, Nell intently watched Henry while she leaned in taking him fully in her mouth.

“Fuck, Nelly.”

“Hmm,” She hummed, sliding her head back along his length. Hand wrapped around him, stroking in place of her mouth. Bobbing her head back down, she swirled her tongue around the base. He nearly choked her the first time she'd ever gone down on him. Oh how long ago that felt.

Dragging her tongue against his length, she felt her core tighten, with each moan Henry gave. His slight salty taste mixed with the aftertaste of the Johnnie Walker, Nell inhaled deeply through her nose, hollowing her cheeks around him. Gripping the back of her head, Henry tried to not force her too hard, as he began to guide her movement.

Happy to go along with what he needed to feel good, Nell allowed him control over her guidance. Her finger nails grazing the back of his thighs, she mentally checked the small victory when he threw his hips forward at the sensation of her wrapped around him and her nails on his skin.

“Good girl,” Henry mumbled, his head lulling back, his chest rising rapidly. “Keep it up, just like that. Oh shit,”

Nell's chest swelled a little, she could still make him feel good, even after all of this time apart. That was not something she would take lightly, even if this shouldn't be happening. Oh fuck, who cared? They were two consenting adults. Henry's legs quivered, his hands unsteady stroking the back of her head.

“Nell,”

“Hmm?” She glanced up at him. His face soft and his jaw slack, she could feel him tightening. The perfect time to stop her actions. “Not yet,” She smirked, wiping her hand across her chin, drool gone. “Fair is fair.”

“Jesus,” Henry grumbled. He had been so fucking close, the knot in the pit of his stomach clenched Slowing his breathing, he took a moment to think of anything else. Laundry? Running? How much longer until he had to renew his passport?

“Henry?”

“Yeah?” He snapped his head to look at Nell.

“Are we going to stand here all night, or...” She shrugged, a devious smirk on her face. Laying back on the bed, she curled her finger beckoning him to her.

“You're still sure about this?” Henry asked. His eyes on her, waiting to see if she had any hint of doubt or hesitation.

“I don't have a condom, but I'm clean. It's not like I'm getting pregnant, so....” If she were to get pregnant, there was going to be on hell of a hefty lawsuit against that surgeon.

“You're sure? I know that I'm...but I don't have.”

“if you don't want to, then I understand.”

“I do, though, but...”

Nell shook her head. “No buts. If you want me, then I'm yours.”

“Fuck, you're making this hard.”

Giggling, Nell glance down. “I think we're beyond things being hard.”

His body betraying him, Henry cleared his throat, she certainly had a point. Fuck it. What did they have to lose? Unless this, some how, came back to bite them. No, no he had to stop that. Give in, enjoy what was happening. It had been too long since he'd been able to watch her in such bliss. Bliss that he was responsible for.

“You're sure?”

Nell nodded siting up, opening her arms, “Come here.”

On the edge of the bed, Henry sighed, his large frame leaning into her. Nell held him for a moment, stroking his hair, the feel of his warmth against her sent shivers through her spine. Pushing him back on the bed, she bit her bottom lip, waiting for the go ahead. Henry gave her a slight nod, adjusting himself on the bed to get comfortable. Straddling his hips, Nell lifted herself to slowly take him.

Sheathing him inch by inch, Nell groaned at the fullness. This was her favourite part, taking him to the end, feeling him stretch her. Rocking her hips forward, she countered the motion sliding them back in the same tantalizing pace. Henry held her hips, pushing his up to meet her. Nell squeaked and giggled. She loved the way he hit all the right spots.

“You can touch me, don't be shy.” Nell winked, lifting her arms and crossing them above her head, allowing him a full view of her breasts. “Go on.” She encouraged.

His large hands cupping her breasts, Henry softly rolled her hardening nipples between his fingers, giving on a slight flick when she moved herself up on his length. Close to letting him slide out, she moved back down, her ass grinding against him.

The way her body moved against his was mesmerizing. Massaging her supple skin, from her breasts down her sides, one hand settling on her ass and the other on her hip. Henry loved the shape, even if she had changed a little since having Ivan. God she was stunning.

Hastening her pace, Nell rocked back and forth, up and down. Henry closed his eyes feeling every bit of movement, each clench. Taking in the sounds of her breathing, mixed with his, her small moans not going unnoticed.

“Henry,” She whispered, biting her bottom lip, leaning forward to touch her lips against his. “Please,”

Without having to be asked twice, he moved swiftly, turning them over to pin her beneath him. Nell sighed and stretched her arms over her head, the pull of her muscles caused another shiver. Her head now against the pillow, she reached, tracing the lines of his face with her fingertip.

“I don't know that I can be as slow as you were.” Henry nipped her finger. Holding back on his desire to pound her into the bed.

“Then don't.” Nell batted her eye lashes at him.

Somehow that was all he needed, that tiny bit of permission. Picking up the pace, Henry grunted. Nell moaned drawing her knees upward, allowing him an even better vantage to this position. As if the pent up emotions from the last few years, hours, minutes had been released the couple were lost in the sensation of skin on skin. The feeling of sparks and electricity coursing through them. Connecting them.

“Fuck, Janelle.” Henry hissed, his arm locked into position on either side of her head, keeping him from tumbling on top of her.

“Henry,” She squealed splaying her hands against his chest, tugging at the soft hairs. “Oh god. Please, don't stop. My god, oh fuck.”

“You are fucking amazing. Fuck, look at you.” Kissing her roughly, he sighed, steadying his pace. His hips slapping hers, Nell shook slightly her soft sobs of pleasure were enough to send him to an end.

Shaking with pleasure, Nell gasped trying to bring herself down from the high. Henry moaned, his head back and chest heaving. It had been a while since he had felt that good. Nell laid with her legs hooked around his thighs, no desire to move. Collapsing with his head on her chest, Henry allowed his body to rest. Sweaty and sticky, they laid tangled together. Neither one wanting to break the feeling.

Dosing in and out, Nell was the first to move. Her body growing heavy with Henry still on top of her. She needed to move, before seizing up. Pushing his head to the side, she giggled and kissed the tip of her nose when he lazily looked up.

“I need to pee,”

“Hmph.” Henry nodded, slowly rolling over. Allowing her to escape. Laying flat on the bed, while she scurried off to the bathroom, Henry pushed himself up off of the bed. He should be getting back to his parents, back to Ivan.

All thoughts of moving were squashed, when Nell came back, climbing in beside him. Her clothes still on the floor. Her body was comforting against his. “Hi,” she whispered, sliding in under his arm.

“Nell?” Henry laid with his arm around her shoulder.

“Huh?” Nell grunted, her face buried in his chest.

“I should head back.”

“If you want to. You can stay, I don't mind.” Nell yawned. Her eyes closing.

“Okay, but only for a little while.” Henry agreed, closing his eyes. In a few minutes, he would get up, shower, and head back.

With a start, Henry woke, a loud banging noise rattling him. Looking around the dark room, he squinted to find the source of the noise. Hearing someone whispering at a distance, Henry laid in bed, listening. Against him, Nell stirred, but didn't wake. Someone in the hall was talking, no doubt they had been the source of the banging. He had fell asleep, Nell wrapped against him.

Looking at his watch, Henry frowned. 4am. If he left right now, he could be back before anybody woke. If he left now, he risked Kal barking and waking the house. If he waited, he would risk walking in and having to explain himself to one or more person. Of course he could tell them that he'd ran into some old friends, had some drinks and stayed on a sofa somewhere. Too drunk to drive.

Shifting in bed, Nell sighed, her arm around his waist she snuggled in closer. She was content, who was Henry to try and disturb her sleep? He would wait an hour or two, before he made his departure. So what if he waltzed in, being faced by one of his brothers, or even his mother. He was an adult, if he wanted to stay out all night enjoying the company of a fantastic woman, then he would do just that.

Kissing the top of Nell's head, Henry smiled, sinking down further into the covers, closing his eyes.

Tag List Chat

[shespeaksinsongs]

You Are My New Fear | Letters To My Mom

TW: MOMMY ISSUES, MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND ANXIETY.

Me in my game room at about five years old.

I wish somebody would have told me that that smile I used to slather onto my face so effortlessly would soon become something I forced. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference, but it's best to be prepared in any case.

-

"What's your biggest fear?" My elementary best friend asked, kicking her feet giddily under the table. We were still too little to reach the floor.

"Drowning." I'd say, with a panicked look on my face, growing pale at the mere thought of dying that way.

-

"What are you most afraid of, hija?" My dad asked on our regular morning car rides to school.

"Drowning." I'd say, without even thinking twice. The answer was almost prepared, seeing as how casually it rolled off my tongue.

-

"What's your biggest fear?" My friend asked in the comfort of her room, watching as I shifted uncomfortably in my spot on her bed.

"Becoming my mother." I'd say wishing that drowning was the most of my worries.

-

I don't know when my default answer of drowning to death switched to the terrifying idea that I would, one day, become my mother. Still, somewhere along the lines, those little moments that I would suck up to my mom and gift her pretty pictures I spent hours working on and picking daisies from my backyard for her turned into scheduling my crying for nighttime when everyone was asleep.

Slowly but surely, I became uneasy about the idea of marriage, fearing that I'd only ruin it and become a wife like my mother. The idea of having children scared me to the point where I felt I would rather sacrifice my own happiness so that my children wouldn't have to live to see the day I turn into my mom.

Because in my eyes, my mom is a monster. She's not the kind of monster that has big, sharp teeth and scary yellow eyes, and a menacing growl. She's the kind of monster that you would never suspect. She's the bloody hand, but you were the accomplice. She was the screwdriver, but you were the loose screw. Sure, she hurt you, but you let yourself be hurt by her - so really, whose fault was it?

My mom is the kind of monster that uses your vulnerability against you in the worst way possible.

-

"I'm just not feeling good right now. I feel like I'm dying, and I feel tired all the time." My sixth-grade self, awkwardly positioned in the passenger's seat, turning my head away from my mom.

"Well, you know we care about you." My mom said, stoic in her demeanor and ultimately still in how she held her body up.

It was a day I'll never forget. She picked at her fingernails and anxiously tapped the gas pedal, waiting for me to be done talking about my emotions so she could drive back "home."

Warm tears stung my eyes, forcing their way down my face in slow streams. "You don't get it, I-" I stopped, knowing it wasn't worth it to try to make my mom understand feelings she'd been adamant didn't exist.

"Ay, don't be so dramatic." My mom said, waving her hand up to dismiss me and my silly ideas. She was right. I wasn't depressed or anxious, and I definitely didn't look for any excuse possible to threaten suicide against myself. My mom said so.

-

I don't know why I kept running back to her in times of need. Maybe it was my dream version of her that I relied on to justify my ever-growing love for her. Feasibly, it was the person I wanted her to be. And perhaps, just perhaps, my expectations of her drove me to the point where I'd convinced myself my mother was the person I saw when I closed my eyes at night.

I remember telling her things, spreading rumors I'd heard about people in the family, hoping that it would make us closer. The things I did just to make her happy...

-

"Mom, I'm trying my best!" I cried on the floor, cleaning up the mess my new puppy had made. She'd pooped and peed all over the kitchen. I was exhausted, previously knocked out in my bed, when my mom called me downstairs, screaming for me to get my ass down there.

"No, you're not! You never try! You're useless! I should've never had you!" My mom yelled from the bottom of her heart (or lack thereof).

Tears welled in my eyes for the millionth time because of my mother. This wasn't the first time she'd wished me dead, and it sure wouldn't be the last time. "Mommy, please just leave me alone and let me clean up." I begged, letting broken sobs come out of my mouth. I wanted to hurt her, and I wanted to hurt her as bad as she hurt me.

My mom refused to leave, yelling at me, watching as I piteously scraped my dog's contents off the wall.

-

It's sad that the only good memories I have of my mom are those I couldn't participate in. Instead, I have stories of her youth and how caring of a mother she used to be when I was a baby - conveniently so far back that I can't remember it. It pains me more knowing how she was before she had me, her firstborn. If she were this way her whole life, would I take it so personally?

Am I dramatic for wishing I had a mother who could hug me back when I hugged her? Am I a selfish and pathetic bitch for feeling envy when I see how my friends' moms act with them? Why can't my mom love me the way she loves her? Why does my mom have more pictures of her first niece than she does of me? What did I do to her?

-

"Mommy, mommy! Look!" I said, running up to my mother, holding my report card in the air like a shiny new toy - all A's.

"Nice job, Fio. I'm so proud of you. You're doing great. Keep it up." My mom said softly, pulling me into a warm hug. Somehow, that was all I needed - that's all I wanted. It really is a shame that that memory is fake.

-

I have plenty of other fake memories that I store in my head, letting the (also fake) backstories take over my mind when I go to sleep. For one of them, I was romping around on an old swing set, one that made little squeaky noises whenever I swung too high.

Somehow, I lose control of the swing, and my mom comes rushing up to me, worried and begging for me to tell her how she could help. I don't know when or how she got there (my dad was usually the one to take me to the park), but what I do know is she's exactly who I needed there at that moment.

So many real memories I have of me needing my mother most, waiting for the day she would actually turn up in one of them. She was always the first to pick me up in school lines. She was always at my open houses. She attended every grade promotion I had. But she was never there. It was all a facade. She'd said so herself that she craved being the all-star mom, the one who'd win several gold medals if there were award ceremonies for that sort of thing.

Her perfectionism is what makes her corrupt. She has spent my entire life telling me what to do, how to do it, scolding me for not doing it the way she imagined me doing it in her head.

She refused to seek help when that's all I wanted her to do.

-

"What do you want for your birthday, hija?" My dad asked, glancing at me while keeping his eyes fixed on the road, humming along to a Christmas carol playing on the radio.

"Honestly, dad?" I asked, only twelve years old, my green eyes twinkling in hope.

"Whatever your heart desires." My dad said in a goofy voice, making me smile.

"I want Mom to get help." I said sadly, hoping my dad would agree and push the idea upon my mom.

-

My mother went to therapy for four months. My dad had to pay her every session for her to go. In my mom's life, money has never been an obstacle. Her father was a middle-high class socialite in Venezuela who worked in engineering and oil companies. Her mother, who passed away of Leukemia when she was twelve, spoiled her rotten until her very last breath.

Eventually, I became mentally sick to the core. Writing and singing, my two favorite things in the world, became hobbies, and life had lost its zesty twang. Little things like music and the people I passed on the street that waved "hello" at me became nuisances. My mom "gave up" her therapy so I could get help.

I still wonder if she did it for herself or for me.

-

A few times a year, I get asked what my biggest fear is. Sometimes it comes up in conversation. Other times I create the question, not thinking about the consequences if people answer with "Spiders, yours?"

Each time I get asked, I take a deep breath and lie. "The dark." I say now, the idea of death by sea sounding more of tranquility than a travesty.

I look back at the old pictures I have of myself, a smiley and shy little girl who was afraid of nothing and everything at the same time. To her, I ask, "When you have nothing to lose, why be afraid?"

Me, with my baby doll at age three. I loved taking care of her. I used to take her everywhere with me.

[dumbasswhatever]

I'm back! :D ... At first, I've been super stressed and anxious about the gender crisis but now that I know that there are people who will always accept and support me, I don't give a fuck anymore. Gender is complicated and half of the time I'm sure that I don't have one.😂 Coming to terms with the fact that I might be poly was very hard and complicated. You see, there I was, having a wonderful girlfriend. I was totally happy and in love with her. Then one day, I look at a friend and wonder whether my feelings for them are only platonic or not. But what about my wonderful girlfriend? I wanted to ignore that I might be poly, but I couldn't. And so I did the most scaring thing in the world and told my girlfriend. She's super accepting and supportive though, so I shouldn't have worried too much about it... Anyway, when my niece was a baby, she couldn't pronounce words with an 'r' in it right. That was fun because my name has an 'r' in it. I won't tell you my name now but if my name was, I don't know, let's say Laura, she'd say Lauha. She made 'h's out of the 'r's. We also had a time where she called me by my middle name. I'm not 100% sure why we did that but I think it might have been because I didn't want her to call me 'Aunt' because I was also only a child. (I was 8 when she was born.)... I don't know why I've been depressed lately. I just am. And I'm always super tired... Anyway, it's really cold today. How's the weather where you live?... I feel like I've given too much information for one ask. I'm sorry that it got so long... Here's some more flowers for you: 💐🌸💮🌻🌹🌼💐🌸🥀💮🌸🌸💐🌹🌼🌼💮🥀🌻🌸💮🌸🌼🌻🥀🌸💮🌸🌹💐🌸💐🌸🌼🌸💮🌹🌸🌼🌹💮🌹💐🥀🌻🌸🌼🌸🌻🌹 I hope you're doing great! (the great and honorable crush anon💜)

honestly gender is just like.........nah. idk her. im a silly little boy and a catgirl and a rascal and an idiot all at once. but yeah, things got a lot easier for me once i messaged my sister telling her that i realized i was nonbinary, and she responded with “oh pog. want me to use different pronouns?” like...the fact that she was supportive but didnt make it a huge deal really helped, and i’ve managed to tell my mom and dad as well, and i’ve recently begun correcting my mom whenever she calls me a girl or a woman. :D im so glad that you’ve been able to accept that gender is a FUCK and that your girlfriend accepted you for being poly :D

ashdakl i was 19 when my niece was born, and at first i didnt want her calling me aunt bc i felt like i was too young for it, but as it turns out, im a complete pushover when it comes to her. she called me “auntie” and i went “yes yes im auntie yoostice :D” like a chump. 

sometimes the depression just...hits. no rhyme or reason. im sorry. but i’ve had some extra energy today, i’m sending some your way.

the weather here is...coolish? its about 64 degrees F (about 18 degrees C) right now. im treasuring this coolness before it becomes absolutely sweltering

anyways, i’ve been....uh.................today i started writing a fic about klavier trying to figure out who sent him a love letter. its unrelated to you, i promise askjhdklajna it’s just a goofy fic and i’m having fun writing it, so i’m having a good day, and i hope you are too