#if i blame myself then i don’t have to blame anybody else. lol!

[ghostzzy]

blergh. oscillating wildly between being completely dissociated and completely overcome with ugly emotions.

[vintage-bentley]

From what I've heard from like five people atp: It's implied that Crowley was a very high ranking angel; he's working on a star system and summons a subordinate angel to help him, who happens to be Aziraphale. But he wasn't actually paying any attention to Aziraphale. Crowley was completely fixated on his work, and gets upset when Aziraphale mentions that his stars are only for humans to view from far away and will ultimately get destroyed along with everything else during Armageddon. It's further implied that Crowley's reasons for Falling were because he went and questioned God about how his work deserved a bigger role in Her Great Plan, and feels secure enough about his place in Heaven's hierarchy to think he can get away with it.

Hmmm I’m really not sure how I feel about that. As I said before, when he mentioned working on stars, he said “I helped build that one”. Not “I’m super cool and special so I made this all by myself”. So I wonder if Neil always had it in mind for him to be a higher angel than Aziraphale, or if he decided on it after seeing that’s what a large portion of the fandom wanted? Somebody in the notes of the last ask brought up a good point about his powers—he can stop time, which doesn’t really seem like something just anybody would be able to do. I also wonder if the whole lightning thing we see in the trailer is related to the lightning we see from Gabriel on the airbase in S1. So it’s possible this was planned all along…I just can’t get myself fully on board until I see it play out myself. I had my hopes up for the husbands to have always been perfectly equal.

I don’t blame him for getting upset though…as an artist I can agree it would really suck to be seeing your work up close and think it’s great, and then be told “lol sorry nobody’s going to see the details, they’re just going to see a blur from far away” 💀

It’s kinda funny that him being a cocky little shit is part of why he falls. “All I ever did was ask questions” sir you let your ego get the best of you and you know it.

Honestly the scene sounds intriguing and I’m very excited for it! I’m sure I’ll warm up to the whole higher angel Crowley thing, especially if it doesn’t play any part in his current life as a demon. As long as he and Aziraphale are equals now, I’ll be happy. As he said himself, his days as an angel were a long time ago. So they don’t really hold much weight now.

[deepestbluesky]

WIP WORD SEARCH GAME

tagged by @aiyexayen! who prompted the words:

tear | soft | red | under | hold

alright let’s see what i can dig up in my wips... my own arbitrary rules are that i can only do one word per fic and starting with most recently worked on wip first and then working my way back until i find something

tear showed up in “batfam lan au” (cql/mdzs au, and this is NOT recent lol apparently i don’t use tear at all haha)

"Hey, Jingyi! Come say hi!" A-Yuan calls, and then flinches when [lwj] gives him a look from the other end of the couch. Jingyi comes tearing in, though, skidding to a stop behind A-Yuan.

"Hi Wei-qianbei!" Jingyi says enthusiastically. "A-Yuan and I found a bird nest today! I think he took a picture, you should get him to show you."

Xian-gege is laughing. "Yes, I heard! This must be an extremely exciting bird's nest, for both of you to tell me about it so quickly. Jingyi, I hope you know it's your responsibility to make sure A-Yuan gets into trouble."

soft showed up in “jc+lwj political marriage” (cql au)

"Let your husband speak for himself," she sneers. "Or is he just another person that you'll have to take the blame for?"

It's not like Jiang Cheng expected this visit to go well, but Jiang Cheng had hoped that Wei Wuxian's absence would soften his mother's scorn. It didn't work.

Lan Wangji is as still as Jiang Cheng has ever seen him, back even straighter than usual and the only movement Jiang Cheng can detect is his hand, gripping Bichen so hard it almost seems like it will snap.

red showed up in “vex/zahra lovm” (legend of vox machina)

“Have you been worrying about me all this time?” Zahra sounds curious and a little indulgent.

Vex sits down. “No. I’d forgotten, except occasionally when I caught a glimpse of red horns or found myself eyeing up a pretty stranger across a bar.” Or… other times, but she isn’t going to admit that quite yet.

under showed up in “cass omegaverse au” (batfam, this was WEIRDLY hard to find?? lots of understands and undercovers and almost no actual unders)

“Neither are you,” Steph snaps back. “She’s an adult, she can make her own choices. Cass, I have something I need your help with. It’s, uh,” Steph lowers her gaze, tries to sound embarrassed. “A personal thing? I kind of need your help specifically.” It’s far from the first time that Steph has pulled this move, and it’s almost true this time. Cass still hasn’t dealt with her heat well, but Steph will be damned if she lets her punish herself for it under the guise of “training”. As if Cass, of all people, needs more training fighting.

hold showed up in “han ying genders” (tyk/shl mashup)

The thing was, Han Ying knew that he was nursing an embarrassing amount of feelings for Zhou Zishu. He knew that, he had known that for quite some time now.

As much as he hated to think about it, it was probably obvious to others. Almost certainly obvious to Zhou Zishu, who, as befitted his role, was uncannily good at sniffing out exactly the secrets no one wished him to know. It was a recurring debate among newer Tian Chuang members: whether it was cruel or kind of him to clearly hold on to such information but not reveal it unless it became relevant. Han Ying thought it was neither. It was a tool.

this was very fun!!! i’ll tag @minnarr and @fractured-ice if you would like to play (i would also tag antique-forvalaka and rainsfalling except tumblr won’t let me, which is fair if you have done that on purpose but does regularly confuse me lol), and also anybody else who sees this and wants to play! your words are (including variants):

moment | see | blue | friend | until

[smartyparties]

!!INTRODUCTION!!

Haiii!!! My name is Smarty! I like to draw, and I am the creator of Summer House Friends!!! She/Her!

I draw digitally, but I prefer drawing traditionally because it’s much easier for me! I’m not the best at colouring and shading. (Blame the many years of sketching lol) but I plan to start drawing digitally a lot more now that I’m here with you all!

since Summer House Friends isn’t officially out yet, for now I just plan on posting little animations and/or non-canon drawings and such until it’s out! Who knows, maybe I’ll get to do some Q&A’s about my projects with you all!

well, I’ve talked about Summer House Friends so much very blindly, so what even is Summer House Friends???

SUMMER HOUSE FRIENDS!

Summer House Friends is my own little project about six digital friends living in their own funny little home! Summer House Friends is supposed to be an early 2000’s website with a dark history/background, but right now I can’t decide if I should stick with making a website, or something else…

!!DNI!!

Unfortunately, I won’t tolerate certain things in my space, so please DNI if you are: Homophobic, Racist, or just hateful in general (I can’t think of anything else lol)

unless one of my characters is a funny little punching bag, please do not hate on my characters, story, or me and my art, because I work very very hard on all of it!

I am also a MINOR! And I don’t feel comfortable with ANYBODY sexualizing my characters and/or me.

although all of my characters are adults, (unless mentioned that they are minors) as a minor myself, it just weirds me out in general to have my characters sexualized, so don’t!

IF YOU’RE GROSS LIKE THAT, PLEASE LEAVE!!!

!!IMPORTANT EXTRAS!!

Summer House Friends is HORROR! Therefore, expect to see creepy themes! Some of these themes may include: eyes and heavy staring, loss and grief, possible body horror, and possible flashing lights!

I’m also not quite sure if I should add this, but if anyone does get triggered by computer glitches/ viruses, that will be included!

Although a little voice in my head tells me that my horror might be “trying to hard” and therefore not scary to anybody, it’s better to be safe than sorry!

!!ENJOY YOUR STAY!!

[traumatizedjaguar]

Tell me when to shut up or ignore this if you want I just always have lotta thoughts… and ramble all you like

Well everyone’s situation is different and I can’t speak for you obviously I can just give input.

I definitely don’t even know 1% of what happened in your situation so just speculation.

I just hate seeing victims of abuse being hard on themselves and wouldn’t want to jump to blaming you for anything on accident.

I just know mutual abuse isn’t a thing and some things you said made it seemed like you were the victim of gaslighting, being toxic with abusers isn’t a bad thing, it’s just trauma and mental illness from that trauma.

You’d be surprised how many stories I’ve listened to where people vented to me saying similar things like, “I know reactive abuse is real and I seemed to have done that BUT… I had such humiliating moments of anger or acting out about xyz that had nothing to do with my abuser; or saying and doing things I know now I would never/ I’m so humiliated bc of my actions, etc”

You know yourself better and if you were like that with just your abusers or if you were like that with everyone else, then again do we really know ourselves that well? Gaslighting, manipulation can do a lot to our perceptions of self which is why we usually agree first with our abusers perceptions. Even decades after the abuse those symptoms can and will pop up.

I mean I just look at my situation and reflect on what happened. I look at the first abusive incident with an abuser and reflect from there, which I’ve been doing since I was little anyway which victims do, and since certain abusers of mine I do remember the first abusive incident b/t us.

There’s a lot to look at to determine what the truth is. There is only one truth when it comes down to it.

Your motives? Their motives (only they can determine)? Meaning your thoughts and intentions at a particular event/instance. Learning about cognitive distortions and distorted object relations and reflecting on who if anybody used them.

Also, very typical of abusers to assume your intentions are bad during the relationship so they can justify abusing you. Usually over situations where you’re not being abusive at all, just normal interactions. Or them using your reactions against you.

In my abusive environments growing up I had to look at this: was I naturally self reflective and question myself first like victims typically are (and to an obsessive extent throughout the entirety of the abusive relationship bc you’re always put in abusive and manipulative situations).

With most victims experiences in psychological abuse: When you question yourself first you obviously want to make the relationship work or care about the other’s feelings, but your abusers control the narrative and constantly put you in situations where they’re always right due to any way they can distort, twist, maneuver around with the truth/situation/details and you’re always bad and need punishment esp if you don’t live up to their expectations (my abuser was possessive and jealous so she felt attacked by me bc of it). Which idk if that was yours but it was my situation. So we learn as kids that we are inherently defective, broken and bad which are super common symptoms in cptsd and what children experience.

Idk I honestly ramble too much lol you’re good I hope anything I say could be helpful if not discard it and ignore it! Everyone’s situation of abuse is different.

I think arguably one of the only things worse than ignoring / denying a victim of abuse is accusing them of being the abuser. Especially given the fact that most abusers use tactics like “you made me do this” or the old “you are abusing me by calling out my abuse bc it makes me feel bad”. The victims who escape those situations often face a long road in their ‘next life’ of internally focused paranoia and constant moral inventory taking; afraid that setting a boundary, or being firm (or being in a bad mood even) is behavior that is too reminiscent of how their own abuser acted. Trauma altering the ability to differentiate. Having to muck through the dense fucking mud of “Am I a bad person, and that’s why this happened to me? Maybe it was all my fault…” A truly devastating phenomenon.

[nowis-scales]

As the final battle of CF draws nearer…

So too does Koto’s loss of patience with this route…

(Emblems:

❃ = Positive, not a problem

❋ = It is entirely neutral

✾ = It’s a bit negative, but it’s told in a joking way

✿ = It is negative and critical

Remember to filter #Fodlan Fault Finding and #Shut Up About Del as needed!)

✾ Why does what EdeIgard said give me the vibes of Mr. Waternoose from Monsters Inc.?

“I’ll kidnap a thousand children before I let this company die!”

“There is nothing I would not sacrifice to cut a path to Fódlan’s new dawn!”

“I’ll kill a thousand people before I let these countries remain independent!”

Also, it’s not a sacrifice if you don’t actually care about what you’re getting rid of? Like all you’ve sacrificed here is your school days. Other people fucking died, EdeIgard lol ✾

❋ I know he’s wrong here, at least about her mother, but damn I’m glad he gets to sink his teeth into her a little. It really hasn’t happened for anybody this much in this route, so… good for him, I guess? Would’ve preferred some therapy for him, but I’ll take it? I suppose? ❋

✾ “Your obsession with me is appalling,” EdeIgard says, with the utmost confidence, like she didn’t avoid progressing her war for five years because she missed Byleth, or angrily insist on destroying Rhea for something someone else did to her.

Pot calling kettle black here, Edie ✾

✿ As a villain’s speech, this is fucking awesome.

As a hero’s speech, this is fucking terrible.

Before now I’ve talked about being frustrated with her character writing: the obvious favouritism, the deliberately unclear motivations, the benevolent sexism… but I’ve also talked about how much I love some of her negative character traits. Her self-righteousness makes her scary, her unwillingness to relent shows a determination we don’t always get to see in female characters, and her manipulations are unnerving and intriguing all at the same time.

But this is a speech where she’s just straight up being a dick, and the game’s wobbly foundation for “morally grey hero” really shows here. Three out of four of the things she says here are a jab at his mental illness:

• You’re obsessed with me (I am ignoring the fact that I have participated in traumatizing you.)

• If you were a normal human, you would have died already (I do not think you are strong enough mentally to have survived without your crest.)

• Farewell, King of Delusion (I know some of the things you are saying are not true, but I do not want to consider if any of your words have any value.)

And the thing she says after this is her blaming him for not going along with her plans. If it were peaceful times, like it would be if you just gave up and let me win, then we wouldn’t have this problem.

Like, I cannot read this seriously as a hero’s speech. It’s such a large discrepancy between the rest of the route that I find myself wondering if it wasn’t the same people, or if they just went “oh wait, I just remembered she’s a villain, gotta write something harsh hold on”.

How much you wanna bet that Kusakihara or someone closely affiliated to him got to write this part, because it paints her in a negative light? He is the one who said she’s a villain, after all. Between Hopes and the rest of Crimson Flower, it’s clear that Koei Tecmo did not care what he thought. ✿

✾ (Insert JennaMarbles’s “And who’s fault is that?” meme) ✾

✿ Right. Yeah. That’s what’s happening. Yep. Mmm-hmm.

As you can tell, after her speech, I just don’t have the energy to contend with (vague gestures) whatever this is. ✿

[lucysweatslove]

I’m gonna be talking about weight, body image, disordered eating, health and medical anxiety, generally triggering things so I’m putting it under a read more. It’s really just a ramble and nothing worth reading- a brain dump for me more than anything else. For those who don’t want to read more but want to just know- I’m doing okay but life has had other plans and I may have something actually wrong health-wise which has been triggering for me.

So, way back in 2018 I gained like 30 lbs in 2 months (mid October to mid December). I was devastated. I had already gained 20-25 lbs or so during actual recovery from my disordered eating which I was doing on my own/without support, so I was really struggling. I was so ashamed of the weight gain and how I looked that I didn’t want to see my PCP (note: she was an NP, but that doesn’t impact what I think of her- I didn’t want to see her because of my own shame and thinking I should just be able to manage my weight on my own). So here I was sitting around 180-185 lbs and for the first time in my life actually obese, not sure how to cope. I was confused about how I could’ve gained that much so quickly- I didn’t buy Halloween candy that year, gained the weight before Christmas, and didn’t do thanksgiving festivities even. My eating habits hadn’t seemed to change, and there was no way I was suddenly that much less active. But still I blamed myself.

Not even a month later I started a new job and also decided I wanted to try to diet again because I hated my body’s new “fat” appearance. Except I was worried about calorie counting being triggering. I was newly married and planning our actual wedding, so while I wanted to be “shedding for the wedding” (VOMIT) I also didn’t want to go back to Hell aka rigid restrictive eating that would drive wedges in all of my relationships. I tried going back to the gym and eating a lot of chicken breast and veggies, thinking if I restricted TYPES of food I would be fine. LOL NOPE. I tried keto thinking it would be a way to not fixate on calories… this was unsustainable because I just didn’t have enough options and I LOVE LOVE LOVE fruit. Each attempt at whatever I did was met with initial weight loss and then extreme hunger, a big trip, some outing, my actual wedding, which would kick me out of that mindset and I’d gain it all back. At one point I thought it was my antidepressant (since it made it hard to care about anything), so I went off of that, had a bad reaction to another one, and then essentially didn’t have a medication for months. Including on my wedding.

By the end of 2019 I was essentially that same 180ish lbs, and I had decided I needed to “get my life back.” I got on a new antidepressant shortly after an illness, and I realized I was sitting on my hands waiting for somebody to give me permission to apply to med school. So I decided to face my insecurity regarding my “downward trend” (due to health reasons) in undergrad by… going to grad school. I applied in early 2020. I started to go back to the gym, count calories, I really thought it would be fine since I didn’t have fear foods anymore and felt “basically recovered.” Like, calories were the less extreme option because it gave room for me to eat all the foods I love.

And then I started getting back spasms, and the fevers started, and I started and graduated grad school, and then my husband needed new hips, and I got a new job, and littered in all of that were attempts to just mindfully eat more produce and love my body more. At one point in grad school, I admit to buying really low calorie dehydrated food packs to “make the most of my winter break” but it was absolutely MISERABLE to eat those and it got super cold and I just said nope, not going back. Throughout that time, I just thought that I was fat now, and that’s all anybody would see. I honestly doubted that my disordered eating was ever problematic MULTIPLE times because… I’m fat now? That’s literally it, that’s the whole reason I started to invalidate my own experience. School and work and health issues had really decreased my activity and focus on health and nutrition, I felt awful in my body physically, and I had no idea how to make any kind of actual healthy change because up until this point, and even at this point, I only knew “health and wellness” in two contexts: disease process and medicine, and dieting and exercise for “weight control.” Nobody I knew actually ate balanced diets if they weren’t actively trying to become or stay thin- it wasn’t “normal” or “natural.” Exercise? Same story except for actual athletes, but even those that I knew talked about weight control all the time.

Fast forward to 2022. I came into the new year feeling like I needed to make a change because of how I felt, but my husband and I were in counseling and I knew a major sticky point for us was my lack of going to med school. I think my desire to “make a change” was in large part about control because I didn’t feel like I had control over med school. I was CONVINCED in my mind that me being fat now made me a lesser candidate. I might get an interview, but I’d be judged on how fat I was and would instantly have a bias over me. I was tempted- truly- to drop to 800-900 calories a day with 2-3 hours of exercise and try to shed weight quickly. But I kept up searching for body positive and HAES content. I reminded myself of all I spoke on in my sports nutrition class- health has far less to do with our weight and size than our habits. At this point, I felt really good about body positivity. I made my focus on activities I love doing, getting good MICROnutrients (no deficiencies here), etc. This is when I “came back” to tumblr in early 2022.

I then started to feel the same way I did before- it was, once again, becoming a bit of an obsession, and my body was fatiguing. My heart quite literally felt off, and I was dizzy all the time. I thought maybe with everything, I was taking in too much potassium and a higher activity level. I gave my body time to rest and… I just stopped doing the things. Work got busy. I signed up to retake the MCATs. I got COVID.

Honestly at the end of Covid I was back to around 175lbs. I was feeling okay about that- it’s still “fat” but I was happy to be feeling healthier and I could FINALLY start studying. After my first COVID day where I had an episode of intense muscle pain where I could not move, I was totally fine with my weight. While I was starting to study, though, I noticed my blood pressure was low and I was still feeling kinda meh. I was hardly hungry, and my bathroom habits changed. I wasn’t too upset with this, since it meant I could study for longer at a time without getting distracted by bathroom trips, and I figured my high stress levels were playing a role by essentially halting that “rest and digest” I should’ve been in for way too long.

After I finished the test, my stress seemed to reduce, but my heath stuff didn’t. I had a week off work and decided I wanted to start hiking again, see waterfalls, etc. And so I did. While I loved it, I kept feeling really dizzy all the time. I focused on getting more salt in my diet and making sure I was eating some carbs before and after the trial. My appetite improved, but my GI tract still felt sluggish. Often, I would feel actually hungry, but I’d also feel like my stomach was way too full. My reflux was really bad at this time, and that also made my nasal issues worse. My sleep suffered a ton, and I would spent 11 hours in bed because it would take me 3 just to fall asleep. I also noticed my lower stomach had fresh new red stretch marks.

At this point now, now only can I barely breathe out my nose most of the time, but my nose is bleeding often (just slight, small bleeds- no dripping really). I’ve tried PPIs and H2 agonists to help with the reflux. Honestly, as gross as this sounds, the only thing that helps is actually going to the bathroom? But usually when I go, it doesn’t all feel “out.” I’ve taken two laxative doses in the past couple of months to get some longer lasting relief. I visited my sister for a week (got back a week ago), and while down there, I realized my shorts that I bought to fit me last summer felt tight in the tummy. I thought it must be constipation or something similar, or heat edema, but it still was not fun to feel that “fat.” Also, I realized my 34G bras were getting tight, even on the band size, so that was extra weird. Even my sports bras weren’t fitting right. Usually a band in a L is too loose but I put up with it to fit my breasts, but between July to now, the bands starting getting tighter. Which means gain.

I weighed myself this morning at 195.8 lbs. literally the heaviest I have ever been. Up 20 lbs in the 2 months post-COVID, and that’s with me hiking more AND I started physical therapy for my back. Husband was confused and said something seemed wrong- because that’s a lot of weight to gain and he hasn’t seen me eat THAT much. He encouraged me to talk to my doctor, but I’m still convinced all they will say is that CLEARLY I’m lying about my intake and tell me to track calories and try to lose weight.

I’m also going to a water park this weekend, so I tried on my bathing suits, and none fit in a way I’d be comfortable with. A couple bottoms fit, but I realized all my tops didn’t- none of them have cups big enough to cover up my nipples in a secure enough manner, so I’d be constantly worried about “wardrobe malfunctions.”

I’m having kind of a hard time with all of this, but I’m trying right now to make sure I have clothes that fit my current body first. My mantra rn is “I deserve clothes that fit my body right now.” So I bought a size up in the shorts I bought last summer- I hope that will work. I also ordered 6 new tops in bra sizes, instead of the normal S/M/L/XL sizes, because I need them to actually fit. I got 3 tops in 2 different sizes after measuring- 36 bands and, because I’m kind of worried about how that will fit since there aren’t the 3 rows of hooks and too tight is far more noticeable than too loose, 38 bands too, just in case. I’m just praying that one size will fit me, and then I’ll return the ones in the other size since they were expensive.

Other than the new clothes for the water park, I feel a bit at a loss. On one hand I physically feel somewhat unwell quite often, and I’ve ran through the lists of potential culprits from anything from something as benign as stress to something as serious as a Cushing’s syndrome (such as from an ACTH-releasing tumor). Part of me is also terrified I may have diabetes now, even though I’ve never had any signs of pre-diabetes before now, but I’m thinking possible PCOS which can lead to insulin resistance. The obvious answer is “talk to my PCP,” and in general my PCP now is great, but I have an appointment in October and really don’t want to have any “preventable” disease and I feel like I need to be “doing all the right things” prior to seeing her anyway. And I’m scared, too, that when she suggests things like dieting, I will just burst into tears because the idea of what that means is… I guess invalidating to me.

Here’s the reality: finding yourself obese after eating disorder recovery is tricky enough as is. If I bring up the fact that I have struggled with my relationship with food and exercise, people automatically assume that I binge eat and just DON’T exercise/have never had the “discipline” to make myself exercise even if I don’t like it. They treat me like a liar when I clarify. When I bring up the couple periods of rapid weight gain with people who know and understand my history, I’m still told that I probably just didn’t realize how much I ate because I wasn’t actively tracking my calories and weighing my food. I’m constantly told maybe I just don’t have the willpower or discipline other people have, and I need to cultivate that, but that’s not a problem- the problem is I will take that “willpower” or “discipline” to a level that leaves me and the people around me absolutely miserable.

When I was thinner- “healthy weight” with a BMI around 21- nobody said those things to me. My mom not included (as she will find some way to criticize my appearance), I was never told my heath problems were BECAUSE of my body, or that if I gained 5 lbs over a couple weeks it was because of my eating habits (“oh I’m sure it’s just water weight from extra salt”) and that I was CLEARLY lying about my intake. And I was never told I needed to go on a very low calorie diet and exercise more if I complained about constipation.

Idk I feel like I have to do so much more for people to even consider that something might be wrong with my health other than being fat, and often what I have to do is really psychologically damaging, and nobody wants to admit that.

[ironwhumper359]

14

“Just a short little prompt fill” I said to myself. “Something to work on in my downtime between longer fics.” Oops I made a whole au and I’m attached to it now, lol. 

14: “Good news! I brought you a friend.” 

CW: Pet whump, creature whump, fantasy au, restraints, referenced conditioning, child whumper

---

“More tea, Daisy?” Matilda asked, holding up her porcelain teapot. Daisy eyed her for a moment, and Matilda giggled. “You can answer, silly!” 

“Yes please, Lady Matilda,” Daisy said immediately. 

“Here you go!” Matilda said, tipping the pot forward to mime pouring. “One lump of sugar or two?” 

“Two please, my lady,” Daisy said, and Matilda nodded primly, picking up a small set of tongs. 

She mimed dropping two lumps of sugar into Daisy’s cup, then one into her own. She put the cup to her lips and pretended to drink, grinning when Daisy did the same. 

“I have to say, Daisy, your wings are looking particularly ex-quis-ite today!” Matilda chirped, slowly sounding out the larger word she’d often heard her mother use at grown-up garden parties. “I love how the light catches them just so!” 

An expression Matilda couldn’t quite read flashed through her fairy’s eyes for a moment, but before she could figure it out Daisy’s smile was back, wider and brighter than before. 

“Thank you, Lady Matilda.”

“You’re welcome!” Matilda said cheerfully, swinging her legs a bit as she pretended to take another sip of tea. “Oooh, ooh, guess what!” 

“What is it, Lady Matilda?” Daisy barely had time to ask before Matilda launched into her story. Mother often said she talked too much for polite conversation, but that was part of what was fun about playing with Daisy, Matilda didn’t need to be polite!

“Father will be coming home today!” she said, clapping her hands. “And that means I’ll get a present! He always brings me a present when he comes home from trips, and I hope it’s something really nice, he’s been gone for so long this time…what do you think he’ll bring me? Maybe a new dress, or a box of sweets...do you think he’ll bring something for you, too Daisy? Oh I’d like that, maybe a new satin cushion for your cage, or a set of gold combs for me to put in your hair, wouldn’t that just look so beautiful with your leash and collar?” 

“Matilda!” her mother called sharply, interrupting Matilda’s musing about her presents. “Time to put your toys away now, your father will be home soon.” 

“Aww, but Mother-” 

“I won’t tell you twice, Matilda,” her mother warned, and Matilda sighed. 

“Fiiiine.” 

She got to her feet and quickly scooped up the dolls and teddy bears she had set around the table to make up the rest of the tea party’s guests. She dropped them into her toy chest, then walked back to where Daisy was sitting, unhooking her leash from the brass loop on the side of the table. 

“Come on, Daisy,” Matilda said, tugging on the leash, and Daisy quickly scrambled to her feet. When Matilda had first gotten her last year, Daisy had stood a few inches taller than her, but Matilda had grown a bit since her eighth birthday, and now she was about the same height as her pet. 

Matilda led Daisy to her cage, which took up the entire corner of the playhouse. Her father had ordered it to be custom made just for Daisy, and it reminded Matilda of a bigger version of the parrot cage she’d once seen at a party at her cousin’s estate. Daisy slipped inside, waiting patiently by the door as Matilda made sure the lock was secure before reaching through the bars to unclip the leash from the shiny golden collar she wore around her neck. She hung the leash on a hook on the cage door, then grinned, waving at her pet.

“Bye Daisy!” she said. “I’ll come visit you again after supper, alright?” 

She skipped out into the garden, where her mother was waiting to close the playhouse door behind her. 

“Did you remember to lock the cage, dear?” Mother asked, and Matilda rolled her eyes. 

“Yes, Mother.”  

“Good. Now, come with me. Your father will be home any minute, and he has a surprise for you.”

A grin stretched across Matilda’s face. She couldn’t wait to find out what it was! 

--- 

Matilda was not an unkind little girl. She was sweet, polite, and as far as Lorrella could tell, never hurt anybody on purpose. 

This, of course, did little to soothe the chafed skin beneath Lorrella’s collar or the ache for freedom in her heart. 

Matilda did not seem to realize that her beloved fairy was a prisoner in the opulent playhouse her father had built her on the grounds of their family manor. She never registered Lorrella’s discomfort, though that was mostly because Lorrella took great pains to hide it from her. Matilda was bound to become upset if her pet wasn’t acting happy, after all. 

And rule number one was Don’t upset Matilda. 

So Lorrella couldn’t really blame the girl for not realizing when she was uncomfortable, but Matilda still didn’t seem to think twice about leading her around on a leash like a dog or locking her in a six by six foot cage whenever they weren’t “playing together.” She certainly hadn’t been interested in learning Lorrella’s real name, content instead to dub her “Daisy” because it sounded pretty.  

Daisy was a dress up doll, a hair model, an audience for impromptu storytimes and a companion for tea parties and garden outings. Whatever Matilda wanted for as long as she wanted, that’s what Daisy had to be. Lorrella was allowed to exist only in these quiet moments when Matilda left her here alone; when nothing was wanted of her and she could whisper her name into the empty room so that she would not forget it. 

The most frightening thing was that while Lorrella longed for such a reprieve when she was with Matilda, whenever she was alone, she’d begun to find herself wishing for the girl’s company. Lorrella was nobody, did nothing, belonged nowhere when Matilda was gone. Daisy, at least, had something to do, had something to be, even if that something was little more than an object to be shaped and molded by someone else. 

Daisy belonged to Matilda, but Daisy had a purpose. Lorrella belonged to no one, but her life had ceased to have meaning altogether. 

The door to the playhouse suddenly burst open and Lorrella jumped in surprise as Matilda darted into the room.

“Daisy!” she cried, running up to the cage and grinning from ear to ear. “Good news! Father brought you a friend!” 

Lorrella blinked and tilted her head, a silent question. Matilda reached through the bars and patted her on the head, then grabbed her collar and pulled. Lorrella suppressed a wince at the sudden jerk of movement and leaned forward so that Matilda could clip the leash on. 

“Come on, come on, you have to see it!” Matilda said.  As soon as she had Lorrella out of the cage, she dashed out of the room, and Lorrella had no choice but to follow as quickly as she could. 

Matilda hurried through the grounds and Lorrella stumbled after her, biting back a yelp every time Matilda ran too fast or turned too suddenly for her to keep up. Her neck was already growing sore, and she’d tumbled over enough times that her knees would be bound to have an angry smattering of fresh bruises by morning. She desperately wanted to call out for Matilda to slow down, but she held her tongue. 

Rule number two was Never speak unless spoken to. 

Matilda finally skidded to a halt outside the family stables, and Lorrella let herself fall to her knees beside her, gasping for air. 

“Father!” Matilda called, knocking on the stable door. “I brought Daisy to come see it too! Can we come in?” 

Lorrella stared at Matilda incredulously. All this fuss just to meet a new pony?

Matilda’s father appeared at the door, and Lorrella shrank back, casting her eyes downward. 

“Yes, my dear,” he said. “But you must remember to move slowly, alright? It is still quite wild, and not used to people yet.” 

Matilda nodded solemnly, and her father opened the door wide, allowing her to pull Lorrella inside. They passed through most of the stable and Matilda occasionally paused to wave at a favorite horse, but they didn’t stop moving until they reached the end of the row of stalls. The stall at the back was open, and as they approached, Lorrella could hear the stable hands muttering to each other.  

“Shit! Hold the damn thing still, will you? I can’t buckle these straps tight enough when it’s squirming so much!” 

“I will thank you,” Matilda’s father said coldly,” to not swear in front of my daughter.” 

The two snapped to attention instantly, twin looks of apology on their faces. 

“Yes, Lord Tracey, sorry Lord Tracey,” said the one who’d cursed, ducking his head.

“Can I show Daisy now?” Matilda asked, and her fathers face softened as he looked down at her.

“Of course, my dear. The creature is secure?” he added to the stablehands, and they nodded quickly.

“Yes, my lord. Took a fair bit of wrangling, but it shouldn’t be a problem now.” 

They stepped aside, revealing the animal in the stall, and Lorrella was unable to stop herself from gasping. She froze, glancing up at Lord Tracey, but he only had eyes for Matilda, who was staring at the creature with a wide grin 

It was not, as Lorrella had first assumed, simply a new pony; it was a centaur. Their upper body was wrapped up tightly in a harness that forced its arms behind its back, and their face was partially covered by a bitted bridle, the lead of which was tied to a hook on the wall. 

Lorrella had never seen a centaur before, and she was no expert on horses either, but even she could see that the creature was only a child. Judging by the face alone, one not much older than Matilda herself, or at least whatever the centaur equivalent was to eight years old. The poor thing was clearly terrified, too; they were trembling slightly and pawing at the ground with one of their front hooves.

“Daisy, this is Coco!” Matilda said happily. “Coco, this is Daisy! The two of you are gonna be the best of friends, I know it! What do you think, Daisy, isn’t she just the greatest present you ever saw?” 

The centaur flinched when Matilda spoke, and Lorrella glanced back at Lord Tracey, who was watching the whole exchange with what on the surface looked like a bored expression. She swallowed, and shot the centaur what she hoped was an apologetic look before answering. 

“Yes, Lady Matilda,” she said quietly. “She’s perfect for you.”

[jehovahhthickness]

Hey Sis, I’d love your perspective if you have the capacity to share your thoughts ✨

I’ve been talking to this guy for a few months now. It’s always been an easy vibe between us. We send each other memes, music, ask each other wether we ate that day, go to poetry events, to the cinema etc. It was platonic from my side but I always knew he wouldn’t have minded more. Unfortunately I was sexually assaulted three months ago so I’m really having a hard time with intimacy and I don’t want to be close to anyone atm… he knows about it and was as supportive as he could. A few weeks ago he came over to my house we were chilling and he told me he can’t be my platonic friend and the he wishes to be in another spectrum. He told me he liked me because I was nice to him without expecting something and that talking to me he slowly came back to himself after he had fled from Ukraine to Germany due to the war, I was really touched by this. I told him that I can’t have any sexual relationship rn, I haven’t started trauma therapy yet and I’m really struggling with flashbacks, dreams about rape, not being able to sleep and much more. I like his company, but I was transparent and told him that I can’t offer anything else but a platonic friendship. He said he understood but still insisted not to considered as my platonic friend. He also said he’s not in a place to commit either 💀 anyways, we kissed that day, I did feel good in that moment but I was highly triggered and confused the days after. Two days later he went to Ibiza and after he came back we went to cinema together. He was very sweet and gentle and behaved as if he was my man lol. I asked about Ibiza and he told me about how he and his friends went “hunting” almost hired prostitutes but they were too “expensive” for them cause he wasn’t willing to pay so much pussy, which makes me question if him and his friends are okay in their head?? cause sex workers should be paid properly and if they can’t afford it that’s their problem, I didn’t appreciate his choice of words. He also told me he was close to having a threesome with two other ladies and while he was telling me this I felt some kind of way cause I really don’t understand what he wants from me 😬 he said he doesn’t want a platonic relationship but also said he doesn’t want to commit, he is taking me out on dates (I guess that’s what it is) is kissing me publicly and is still trying to fuck anybody who’s down, I can’t blame him, he was honest about it. But now I don’t know how to behave. He’s not pressuring me but I’m confused. I like him and feel quite safe with him but this also feels messy and I don’t want to end up hurting or triggering myself cause I’ve been through a lot the past 12 months… I haven’t really developed any romantic feelings yet, so it would be easy for me to just dip, but I don’t want to loose him as friend either. 😬🥹💀 whew! This is a lot, thank you in advance for taking the time to read. I’m sending hugs your way xx

First of all, I am soooo sorry about what happened to you. I truly appreciate you trusting me with this type of information. I hope that you do finding a place of healing soon so you can move on with your life.

But take as much time as you need! Do not rush it! Whether it’s a few more weeks, months or even a year or two! Go at your own pace, babe.

Also, he doesn’t sound like that great of a guy tbh.

Anyone pursuing you or that wants access to you should treat you like a previous jeweled egg and his he treats you when he’s around you is the bare minimum.

But pay close attention to what he does when you’re not around or when he’s talking about other people.

The things he has told you when he’s not around you makes him sound like an utter asshole that have no respect for women.

I would never speak to someone like that.

[bitchloveskcbaseball]

Sneak Peek Monday

@burnsoslow tagged me yesterday for Six Sentence Sunday ... but I was in a football induced ... funk which I am 100% blaming the doubts I was having on LMAO so I didn’t get this out on Sunday. Plus I’m pretty sure that this is gonna be longer than six sentences ... so I’m just gonna go with sneak peek this time 🤣🤣🤣

Anyway ... now that I’ve rambled for literally no reason ... the actual reason for this post ...

I’ve actually done a (very, very) small bit of writing. I am actually super excited about it (especially with some awesome encouragement from burns cuz she’s freaking AMAZING!!!) And it’s me venturing into writing for a different fandom -- The Wayhaven Chronicles -- which has me simultaneously super hyped and super freaked out 🤣 Just a heads up, it is set just past the end of the Book 3 demo and there are going to be at least a few references to events that take place during those chapters. Oh and because this is me, here is the obligatory warning for language in this (yes ... even in the excerpts I can’t help myself lmao) Annnd I’m rambling again, so ... here we go! ?? lol

ok ok ok Also!!! this is my first real attempt at writing any of these characters (and it is still really early in working on this) so ... apologies if anyone seems out of character!

Chainsaw 

Pairing: Mason x f!Detective Katalynn Raye (even if these two dorks haven’t realized it yet lol)

“Well … I went to check on her. She had a helluva day. I mean, it started before she even woke up and – “

A hand coming to rest on his shoulder cut off his rambling and he knew without looking up – when did I look down? – that it was Nate. “Felix. Take a breath.”

“And get to the point.”

“Adam!”

Rather than respond to the lengthy lecture hidden inside that one word, Adam merely turned his head slightly away from the other two in the room, allowing Nate to return his attention to Felix. Sensing the unease in him, Nate murmured softly, “You don’t need to be nervous. You can always talk to us. About anything.”

“I … I know that. I do. It’s just that … I don’t want to get her into trouble. I’m just … I’m really worried that she is already in trouble.”

********* skipping ahead lol **********

“The fuck are you doing?”

Under normal circumstances, she’d have just been pissed that someone had successfully snuck up on her. These, however, were far from normal, considering she had just managed to get her hands around the handle of large and awkwardly-weighted chainsaw that had been situated on the top shelf. It took every single ounce of self-control and upper body strength that she possessed not to drop the damn thing on her head as she startled at the low almost-growl. So much so that it took far longer than it should have for recognition to dawn on her.

When it did, however, she swung around with the chainsaw pointed straight at her uninvited guest, a sharp bolt of fury ripping through her entire body and lacing every single syllable as she hissed, “Jesus, Mason! I nearly dropped this on my fucking head!”

~~~~~

This was longer than I normally would, but I couldn’t help myself lol (wanted you to have something new to read burns! 😁) If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU!!!

I debated whether to tag anybody ... but like I said ... I’m excited and kinda curious about what some other TWC fans think about this so far (sorry if you didn’t want to be tagged!!!)  Also I have no idea who else hasn’t done something like this yet this week ... so if you see this and want to do it, consider this your tag! 😊

tags: @agentnatesewell​ @mvalentine​ @anotherbeingsworld​

[supercharmed-forever-mine]

Today I will be addressing SuperCorp and some of the issues that have been floating around about fandom. And I will be saying some stuff that both is for it and could be used against it even though I am ultimately a super big supercorp fan. Like it says in the tags you're free to express your opinion but they will not be changing mine but I am always open-minded to opinions that can actually be explained and eloquently expressed (receipt's needed) and aren't just basic. Also just so what is noted I have been a part of this fandom since the first episode I have literally shipped Kara with everyone from Lucy to Cat even James.But Lena has just stuck out the most for me but I'm Equal opportunity.

Number #1, Lena's character in no way shape or form has ever been xenophobic she has never once shown any hate towards aliens her problem with Kara in season 5 Wasn't because she was an alien it was because she was a "Super" like Kara could have been a flying purple fucking octopus from the planet of shzjxfdf and Lena wouldn't have gave two fucks but no she was a "Super"but let's dig deeper on that point if we really look at why she was mad it wasn't even the whole alien aspect it was because she wasn't told and no I don't think she's entitled to it but I do think it played into the fact of a trust issue she has with the fact that people would think she would be just like Lex if she had been told Sooner. Which is disproved in 5x13 (also personal note: I also think she wouldn't have reacted half as bad if Kara had just told her that night at game night or the next day when she wanted to probably still would have been pissed but not to the same extent). But okay with that being said I do disagree with the kryptonite entrapment torture scene and basically half the s*** she did in season 5 it was shown that she truly can tap into her Luthor side and be dark when wanted but fortunately she does always return to the light and in all fairness it has been shown several times that Kara has a dark side of her own that could rival the luthors.

Number #2, I do disagree with the abuse of actresses and actors just because of a ship and or character they play don't blame them it's just a job they have I think Melissa and Katie do a beautiful job of bringing Kara and Lena's characters to life couldn't imagine anybody else playing them.

Number #3, I also will say about the reason bombarding of comments on Nicole's social media at least I saw the video via tiktok in that video was fucking hilarious I love Nia, Dreamer,and Nicole in general she's funny and beautiful and is an advocate for everything good in life and well it is normal to even ask other actors if they have the scoop on anything it does not mean we need to be bombarding them in videos on something relating to their character or their love of something a simple comment or so maybe but what I saw NO.

Number #4, The William of it all well I think though his character seems like a nice gentleman he also seems to be bland as hell also I did not know he was a POC to be honest I thought he was a tan white man and we'll be doing further research on people in the future as I can learn from my ignorance also but unrelated I did not know that the woman who played Maggie was apparently just a tan white woman I thought she was of some sort of Hispanic descent but apparently not according to various things I've read on here tonight... But anyways back to William I feel like a lot of people might have perceived him as a white man therefore that might play into the whole scenario of people hate that they just want two white woman together when it proves if she was a man they wouldn't give two f**** about it whether that's true or not I don't know but mine two cents.

Number #5, I will never bash someone for being for or against a certain ship and or character and well I am allowed to certainly disagree with their opinion all opinions are valid because we all see the world a different way some see it bright and shiny and others like I'll admit myself see it through the glasses of trauma. And I think that's why we all have the opinions we do most of the time when you like a shipper character it's because you relate to them somehow even if it's the most minor thing to someone else it might be huge for you. You never know what the person on the other side of the screen is going through in those characters or ship or fanfiction might have literally saved their lives.

Sidenote: Like okay personal story I was been both mentally and sexually abused as a child so I relate to both Kara and Lena respective childhood trauma so that draws me to them. And I kind of see them both as the opposite attract trope (two side of the same coin) because well we never fully get over trauma Kara had a great support system with the Danvers whereas Lena didn't get that with the luthors I mean sure she had Lex at first but even that was only to a certain extent because of his psychopathy that was starting to manifest he couldn't perceive human emotions the same as Lena who in my opinion is just a big mushy nerd who can be a badass when needed as evident by the season 6 episodes after she's quit L-Corp she's constantly trying to help out inventing new stuff and she's wondering how Nia's suit works and it just shows that she just has a curious mind and also she looks happier even with the guilt she feels over Kara's phantom zone incident when Nia called her a part of the family that smile could lit up a city all she's ever wanted is to belong and I can relate to that therefore to her.

Number #6, I feel like this should have been addressed in earlier number but as far as sexuality goes I would want to believe Kara is pansexual because of everything I've ever read and saw I don't believe she perceived sexuality like humans do because of her Kryptonian upbringing for the first good chunk of the life. Like even though she says she's not gay in the first episode, A. It was the first episode so they didn't even know where the story was going in future seasons if they got them also that means maybe she just didn't perceive herself as the Earth's definition of gay. B. Even in the first season she made a comment about how she bought Lucy was gorgeous and hell she would date her. C. She made some comments about Irma and other woman that don't sound totally heterosexual and don't get me wrong women can admire the beauty and intelligence of other women without it being sexual but as a bisexual woman it just struck a cord in me you can tell the difference when it's coming from a straight woman mouth. Now on the subject of her and Lena strictly I do think there are instances of "queerbaiting"because just because you perceive they haven't been promised to us doesn't mean that some of us haven't picked up on things or the fact that they're simply queerbating because somehow they do hype up Kara and Lena to keep a nice chunk of the audience who ships them mainly those of the gay variety interested in the show which is also considered queerbaiting. Also the fact that they've been called sisters or family or my personal favorite "that's what friends are for"doesn't mean crap because honestly at this point the overuse of friends just sounds more like they're trying to convince themselves than us.*** Also I don't know about you but even on the basic level of things they've done I've never shown half those feelings towards my friends and the ones I have it's because I started to think of them as more than friends.

Now with Lena's sexuality no they have never shown her as anything besides straight canonically but don't get me wrong she totally sends off that college experimentation vibe especially with Andrea for some reason but that may just be me.

Number #7, my main point is let's just be kind to one another because guess what there is toxicity from every ship in a fandom there will always be shitty people on both sides and then there will be those of us who just want to see the characters together for one reason or another and yes I'm not afraid to admit that part of my reasons I want to see two gorgeous woman kiss sue me LOL.

Number #8, the conclusion of my rant is that how about we leave the hating to the ones who want to do that and the rest of us like adults or whatever your age is in the fandom that has any type of maturity behave because I truly do wish the best and in the end well I hope they end up together I'm realistic that they probably won't especially due to the CW Network motto of "homophobia and racism"because they've already broken up several good gay and interracial couples on that show. But at the end of the day my true wish is just that all of the characters end up happy and healthy.

Best of luck to all shippers out there anti and supercorp and or any other couple alike may we try to make it out of this with a modicum of sanity and even if they fail us we always have fanfiction thank you and good night.

[marita-kuzo-pko]

Personal.

I was in love. Once. This person I fell for read a whole ass manga called Berserk because I recommended it to him and boy, wasn't I nervous about it, lol. After he reached the last updated chapter, he visited me and we went to eat ice cream together. I was the happiest girl I could ever dream to be, and he was the most imperfectly perfect boy I could ever dream to meet. We spoke about what we liked and then walked down the road over the beach, bearing the burning sun of the afternoon as if we had sunscreen on.

We used that time to talk about Berserk. It was the first time I spoke about it with someone else because I thought it was too gruesome and complicated and "weird" to recommend to anybody, but he helped me see it was completely normal to like something like this in a little town where even themes like anime and kpop were uncommon (and I was also kind of stupid. Still am, I think).

He listened to me while I fangirl-ed about it, and I didn't realize he did until the walk was almost done. He looked at me with such shiny, in love eyes, that for a moment I panicked. I thought "there's no way somebody can stare at me like that", and yet he did. He kept seeing me like that for months, even after his love and my own love weren't enough to fight those inner demons I've lived with all my life.

Now, years later, he is happy with someone else, someone that gets him and understands him, someone that isn't afraid to be touched or loved or doesn't panic at the idea of compromise or commitment. I don't blame him for trying to be happy and trying to be loved; he, too, had many demons to fight, and though he said I helped him, I feel I never did enough.

This will always haunt me, the fact that I was a coward and could have known true happiness if I loved myself enough to love others in a romantic way, and it will always haunt me that I let him go without even putting a real fight against my personal struggles, because if there's a fact I'm sure about, is that he was ready to fight for me and wait for me, but I didn't let him.

but still, even today, I remember that walk down the road as the time he was truly mine and I was truly his, without demons and anxiety and fear clouding our souls. I remember that time when I felt like me and he said I was a ball of never-ending hype. I remember the sweat on his brow and the way he laughed and held my hand with his callused one.

And I remember it was all thanks to Berserk, that "gruesome and weird" manga that was actually more human than humans themselves.

It is just a story of many stories I've consumed, but man... It carries a big part of my heart, and I'll never be thankful enough for having the opportunity to read it.

Thank you, Kentaro Miura, for inviting us to see the wonders of your creative mind. Thank you for creating all these characters and stories, for trying so hard in the last moments to give us updates.

Thank you for the nice moments you helped me built without you really knowing. You are like Guts himself said: a spark that illuminated me and helped me define who I am.

Your creations will become a legend, if they aren't already. And I will remember them all my life, just like I will remember that walk down the beach with the only person I've ever loved, my once personal Guts.

Rest in peace, king.

[taee]

i will be 20 soon and i'm so upset and scared about it :/ i know that everything i'll say here will look like i'm exaggerating and being too dramatic about it, but i literally have nothing to remember about my teenage years. i only went from home to school and vice versa during this whole time... i didn't even get my first kiss! i also didn't have a childhood and i mean it, but noticing that i've missed my adolescence hurts more. it's such an important part of our lives, i wish i could've experienced simple things that everyone get to do during this specific time. also i became an "adult" during this pandemic and it was just so scary to realize how much time flies and how much i'm living wrong. literally i got to see that with or without pandemic, my life is pretty much the same. what i would say to anybody is that we can always change our lives and restart again and again, it doesn't matter how old we are. but i don't think i'll ever be able to stop regretting about what happened - even better, what didn't happen - and blaming myself for this, 'cause at the end of the day it really is my fault.

i'm so sorry for this vent, you don't need to answer it if you don't want to.

...and i really wish i could restart my life from zero and try things differently. i wouldn't mind at all about starting over and try to grow up as a different person. i guess that's why "jamais vu" is so important to me and it always makes me cry, 'cause i can feel all the pain and regret from the lyrics. but unfortunately this is real life and there is only 1 chance to live :/

I'm sorry I took forever to answer these anon ;; I really wanted to give you a proper response so I waited until I was in the right state of mind (and had free time) to do so. Its a little long so, find it under the cut!

Hey love, please don't say that. Your feelings are valid and I don't think you're being dramatic nor do I feel that your worries are exaggerated. I am so sorry the pandemic has taken away so much from you, you don't deserve that ;; covid can fuck off! I don't know what you've been through and I would like to apologize if I'm speaking too simply about things that I don't know. But I just want to say that as much as we hate making the wrong choices and going down the wrong paths, they are still necessary because they lead us to the right ones. Life is good at disguising things, sometimes even the right decisions and the right path feels wrong. Who knows, maybe when you look back on everything a few years down the road, it'll all start to make sense. The decisions we make are based on what we feel is best for us at any given time so don't be too hard on yourself and don't blame yourself for all the time you feel you let slip by + the missed opportunities that went along with it. I really do believe that life has so much more amazing things planned ahead for you and I'll be right here cheering you on at every step of the way :') If I can give you a piece of advice as a 25 year old, don’t let societal expectations make you feel like you’re living your life wrong. Just because you’re doing it differently doesn’t mean its wrong. We all have our own timelines and we all progress at different paces. Everyone’s experience is different. It may be easy for some to fit into what society feels is the perfect way to live but for the rest, it just doesn’t work out that way and that is okay too. We decide our own successes and failures and we decide how we want to live our lives, not anyone else.   

Ahh...I absolutely love Jamais Vu, I've had the lyrics ‘차라리 게임이면 좋겠지, 너무 아프니까 / It'd be better if it was a game, because it hurts so much.’ on my lockscreen (where I'm supposed to put my contact information actually LOL) for the longest time akshsjdh I can't say that I've never felt that way before...in fact I still do, sometimes. And its always fun at first, to think about how my much better my life would be if I had done certain things differently. But then I start to get reminded about the precious things in my current life, things that I would never want to ever change and the people I want to keep by my side forever. The thought that they won't be there if I lived another life scares me more than anything else. Happiness hides in the littlest and most mundane things so it is easy to miss them, but if you look closely there's always something worth smiling about at the end of the day. 

I'm sorry I kinda rambled on too much as well...but I really just want you to know that even if it doesn’t seem like it now, everything will fall in place eventually. Don’t blame yourself too much and try to give yourself the credit you deserve. You’ve worked hard to reach where you are right now so you’re amazing in your own way too ♡ p/s: Merry Christmas!! ♡

[twokinkybeans]

Hello! I absolutely love all of your stories! I have a request, can you do a Starker story where Peter and his class go on a field trip to stark tower? I don’t really mind what happens there I just really want to see the ship. If you can thanks so much 💗

THIS GOT OUT OF HAND SO HERE IS CHAPTER 1/3!

Tower Excursions - Chapter 1: Science Rules

(Read it on AO3)

Summary: Peter is 9 years old. Parents still alive. Still friends with Flash. They go on an excursion to Stark Industries, right before the events of Iron Man 2. Side note: Tony is not romantically/sexually interested in Peter until chapter 3, when they are in an established relationship. Warnings: Even though Peter and Flash are still friends in this chapter, Flash is already bullying him. Other than that, not much, tbh?

Rating: Mature (just to be sure for later on lol).

I hope you enjoy! -Lien

...

“Mister Thompson, you’re old enough to know you shouldn’t stand in a driving bus, please take a seat,” the young teacher sighs while tightening the pony tail on her head. They’re nearly at Stark Tower now, so obviously it was difficult for most students to keep their cool. They all showed it in their own way. Flash got even more talkative and jumpy, something Peter never understood. They’re best friends, have been since kindergarten, and they know each other inside and out. When excitement hit Peter, he turned more inward, like a star waiting to implode, as opposed to Flash’s bomb waiting to explode. They were opposites, yet it fit. Obviously, the school wanted to go to Stark Tower to get them interested in science and technology, something both Flash and Peter already kind of were. However, anybody who cared even the slightest, was more excited to get a glimpse of Tony Stark. Of Iron Man. The metal hero. Even though the chances were slim, they couldn’t help but bounce on the bus seats. Because, what if… The class was going to go and do some kind of interactive walk through the building’s public spaces, with one special look inside a child-friendly lab. Erica had quietly asked how they would be able to get inside a dog and Mrs. Marie had to calmly explain that a laboratory and a Labrador are two very different things. … About two hours after they arrived, they’re in the child-friendly lab. During the tour of the building, nearly everyone forgot about Tony Stark. The place itself is wonderous and gigantic. It’s filled with moving gadgets and displays of future technology. The famous Arc Reactor gets promoted on pretty much every banner they pass. The students were allowed way more than they were at Oscorp two weeks earlier. Stark Industries sure sparked the kids’ interest in science and technology, as was the goal of this trip. Most of the other students were involved in the interactive tests, but Peter had seen all of that fairly quickly. He wanted to know more about the science behind it- he didn’t just want to watch it happen. Peter was all over the place. He’s wearing his dad’s favorite “Science Rules” cap – he was allowed to borrow it for the day – and bounces from desk to desk, asking endless questions that the pedagogically trained scientists answered accordingly. Some seemed surprised by Peter’s brightness, but the young boy didn’t really notice as he was usually quickly distracted by the next shiny project someone else was working on. With a short: “Thank you, bye!” he made his way to the other scientists in the room. “Peter, check this out!” Peter rushes towards Flash, who called for him. The boy has his face pressed against a glass balustrade that looks out over four levels of open space. “What is it?” Peter asks as he mimics Flash’s pose, pressing his open palms and his nose on the surface. “Are you blind?!” Flash exclaims, nodding at the ground floor, two floors below them. Peter follows his friend’s gaze and gasps when he spots him. “Tony Stark!” Both kids immediately waddle their feet in their place, not daring to look away from the legend who is having a casual chat with a red-haired woman. Peter and Flash giggle with delight, but eventually fall silent. “We should go say hi,” Flash whispers. “We- We can go say hi!” “As if! I’m not going down there,” Peter replies, not taking his eyes off Tony. “He’s probably super busy.” Peter is startled when he notices Flash reaching out for him. The boy grabs Peter’s father’s cap from his head and swiftly tosses it over the balustrade. “Flash! No!” Peter shouts as he stands up straight to reach over the fence in an attempt to grasp the cap. When he fails, all both kids can do is watch the hat fall and fall and fall and it seems to take forever before… Thunk. Flash’s face pales and he runs off, leaving Peter – who is frozen in fear – behind. The boy is stuck, clutching the balustrade with both hands as he stares wide-eyed at how Tony Stark picks up the cap that hit his shoulder on the way down. He reads the words that are on it and then looks up, making eye contact with Peter. The boy is so caught up that he barely notices security freaking out around Tony for what happened, but the man dampens the situation by raising the cap above his head and pointing at it with his free hand, nodding up at Peter. “This yours?” … Peter took the blame. He didn’t want Flash to get in trouble and so, both he and Mrs. Marie get taken to a separate room by security. The woman chuckles nervously, certain that she screwed up for losing track of Peter, and that she’ll never be allowed back in Stark Industries. Peter just feels massive guilt for inconveniencing so many people. After a minute of scared silence, the door opens. “But, sir-“ “It’s alright.” Peter perks up at the voice he has heard on TV so much. He turns, jaw slack, as he looks up in awe at Tony Stark, wearing his cap. The man’s attention turns from the security guard to Peter. “Mister Stark, I am so sorry-“ Mrs. Marie stands up and squeezes her hands together, bowing her head in shame. “Don’t worry about it. If I didn’t want things like this to happen I wouldn’t have opened my labs to youngsters.” Something about Tony’s words seems off, like he was frustrated that she distracted him from why he was here. “You can go, I wanna talk to the boy. Alone.” “Tha- sir, that’s highly unorthodox-“ Mrs. Marie protests, but one stern look has her press her lips together. “Just wanna talk about the cap.” Tony shows a tight smile and gestures at the door. “Besides, I believe you still have three hours left to keep an eye on your other students during this excursion.” Mrs. Marie rushes out after quickly thanking Tony for not being in trouble. He leaves the door open and sits down in the desk chair opposite Peter. “Richard Parker?” Tony says casually as he places his feet on top of the desk and cocking his head. He takes off the cap and shows the little label with the handwritten name inside of it. “Tha- ehm…” Peter stutters. “My dad,” he pushes out quickly. “Huh,” Tony says with a curt nod, turning the cap to look at the front again. “Smart guy. Had a couple chats with him a while back.” Peter’s eyes widen in shock. “You know my dad?” “I mean, he’s not in my phone’s contact list, but we’ve had some talks at conventions before.” Tony puts his feet down and leans forward. His elbows rest on the desk. Peter frowns slightly when he sees some dark lines in Tony’s neck. Are those his veins? “Which has me wonder if you’re bright as he is.” “I’m nine,” Peter retorts without thinking. Tony snorts surprised and can’t help a chuckle. “You sure are.” The man seems to ponder for a bit and then he tosses the cap on the desk. “Tell you what, kid.” Peter swallows, scared that this is the hour of reckoning. As much as Tony doesn’t seem angry, Peter is still afraid that he will get punished for what happened. “You get to ask me one question.” The boy frowns again, so Tony quickly continues. “If it’s a good one, you get your cap back and you can go.” Peter opens his mouth, immediately knowing what to say, but Tony raises his index finger, stopping the kid from talking with just a gesture. “If it’s a great one, I’ll give you a tour of the place myself.” Peter immediately wants to ask what the difference between a good and a great question is, but realizes that would be an immediate throwaway of the one question he is allowed to ask. The stakes are high, he can’t screw this up. He licks his lips and takes a breath. His head bows down to look at his fiddling fingers and then back up, noticing the faint glow coming through Tony’s dress shirt. “I read somewhere that the arc reactor uses cool fusion to regulate temperature…” Tony’s eyebrows shoot up surprised. “But I- when we went to Oscorp two weeks ago, we talked about nuclear energy and there someone said the most ideal element to use for cool fusion is palladium.” Peter swallows. “If that is in your body… How do you keep it from poisoning you?” The man’s jaw tightens and his expression sterns. “Still working on that,” he mumbles, nearly quiet enough for it to go past Peter. Peter blinks. Once. Twice. Did he just ask a question even Tony Stark himself has no answer to? No sound is made for a full minute. Peter can hear his heartbeat thump between his ears, though his breathing is slow. “How old did you say you are?” Utter disbelief seeps from Tony’s words. “Nine, sir.” “Jesus Christ.” “Does that mean it was a great question?” This time, it’s Tony who blinks. Once. Twice. “Yes, kid.”

[alpacaparkaseok]

7 Secrets <pt. 4>

GENRE: Soulmate!au BTS!

WARNINGS: none

WORD COUNT: 3274

Part 4 woohoo! I just really love these girls and their friendships with each other. I kind of wanted to spotlight some of their friendships/back story a bit more in this chapter, just to round out the story a bit more. I swear we’re getting to the good stuff. Also, has anybody else noticed that the word count is steadily increasing? Lol you don’t mind, right? Anyways, thanks so so so much for all the love the story has received so far, I was seriously not expecting anybody to even see it haha. So thank you, it means so much! I’ll probably have part 5 up really soon! Enjoy!

By the time morning rolls around, I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. A quick glance at my phone tells me what I need to know: it’s nearly 10:30. I wince at the time, it’s a rare occurrence when I sleep in for this long. However, judging from my jet-lag and my eyes that are still a little red and puffy from my emotional breakdown last night, I’ll let this one slide. Heaven knows I needed some extra rest.

I stretch and put on one of the hoodies I left behind in my closet from last year, glaring at my suitcases that still need to be unpacked. I’ll add that to the to-do list for today.

Brushing my teeth, I inspect myself in the mirror. I already feel lighter, more at ease. It was a good thing to open up last night. All of my worries haven’t been put to rest, but I feel less overwhelmed. Happier, too. Happier than I’ve felt in a while.

As I descend the stairs to the main level I can hear the mixture of voices, Ichika’s voice piercing through the others as she talks about running out of her favorite cereal.

“Wow,” I mumble as I finally enter the kitchen and dining area. “I think this is the first time everybody else is up before me.”

“Did we wake you up?” Seohyun looks guilty, but I shake my head no.

“Just woke up, actually. I can’t believe I slept for so long. Where’s Soon?” I notice that there is one missing.

“In here!” I follow the sound of her voice, leading me to the living room where she sits underneath some blankets on the couch. The TV is on, and I scowl as my heart kicks into high gear.

It must be the boys’ latest interview, I haven’t seen this one yet. I curl up next to Soon silently, and she resumes her focused attention on the TV. While Kyun-soon may not be as outward in her devotion to the boys, Jin in particular, she is always the first to watch the latest interviews and performances. That is, when we don’t watch them together.

“Which one is this?” I whisper, careful to not distract her too much. Her eyes glisten, and I turn to see Jin giggling in the background.

“iHeart radio,” she whispers back.

Eventually everyone wanders in after hearing the boys’ voices drifting in from the living room. Ichika munches loudly on some toast before nearly choking on it when Taehyung comments on something.

“Ugh,” she groans as we laugh at her. Nobody can blame her, it’s happened to the best of us. “That boy is going to be the death of me.”

I try my best to focus on all of the boys, but I can’t help it if my eyes keep drifting back to Namjoon. He sits in the front as per usual, Jimin on his right. He has a pleasant smile on his face, and not for the first time do I wonder what goes on in his head during these interviews. If he thinks that the interviewers questions are as dumb as I do.

A single camera is in the living room. There’s one other in the entire house, in the kitchen. They automatically turn on at certain times of day, the schedule is hanging up on the fridge. I’m rarely in the living room as is, much less when I know the camera is on. A quick glance confirms my suspicions; there’s a little red light on the camera. It’s filming us. Try as I might, I still can’t help but react when Namjoon offers his adorable dimpled smile at the end, thanking the interviewer and ARMY for the interview.

“Thanks for having us!” Namjoon’s voice echoes through the apartment. “We love you ARMY! We can’t wait to see you soon!” He blows a kiss to the camera, then immediately gets embarrassed after.

I get embarrassed too, the red in my cheeks all too noticeable.

“Aw, look at Beth! She’s embarrassed!” Himari pokes my side, and I tug at Soon’s blanket in order to hide my face.

“So cute!” Seohyun giggles from where she stands behind the couch. “You two are just alike. Oh my gosh you’re going to be so awkward around each other, aren’t you.”

I glare up at her, Seohyun chuckling lightly even as her eyes remained glued to the screen. “I’m not embarrassed…”

Aera laughs wickedly. “Not embarrassed? Beth, I’m sorry, but as cool and calm as you try to be, we all know what your weakness is.”

We laugh together, even as the interview ends and something else comes up on the television. It’s mere background noise as I try to deal with the sudden flood of emptiness that overtakes me. No, not today, I tell myself. I feel happy today.

“What’s the plan for today, boss?” Himari asks, taunting me with the nickname I usually use for her.

I yawn, stretching against Soon who doesn’t seem to mind. No doubt her mind is elsewhere at the moment.

“Well, I’ve got an editorial meeting this afternoon for Webtoon,” I sigh, rolling my neck. “Then I’m free for the rest of the day after that. What are you guys going to be up to?”

Everyone goes about talking about their plans. All of us have some form of work, Minsuh and Seohyun are attending university too. I plan on jumping back into school for my master’s soon, but I just can’t decide where to go yet. It would be fun going to school with them, though. It’s hard to decide when I’m constantly traveling, I’ll probably have to settle for online classes.

Minsuh and Seohyun excuse themselves to go to class together, promising to be back before I get back from my meeting. I smile at Seohyun’s backpack, an assortment of pins adorning it. The centerpiece, of course, is a “Trivia: Seesaw” pin.

Kyung-soon yawns, easing herself off the couch. “I’ve got a couple of clients today, so I’ll be out until later. But I bet I’ll be back before you, too. Your meetings last forever.”

I grunt in agreement. They do last forever. Long enough for Soon to show two different clients houses and still finish before me.

“Where are the houses that you’re showing?” Soon is a respected realtor in Seoul, and it’s no secret that she loves her job. She can make any house a home, in my opinion. She certainly has a knack for making people feel at home, myself included. She’s one of the reasons I survived those first few months after I found out about my soulmate.

“Not that far, you know that one night market you got lost in for hours and Himari and I had to come pick you up?” Himari chuckles at the memory even as I wince at the embarrassing moment.

“Yup,” I mumble. “It’s close to there?”

“No,” Soon gives me an evil smile. “I just wanted to embarrass you again.”

I launch myself off the couch after Kyung-soon, caught between yelling and laughing. She’s smart, locking herself in the nearest bathroom where I can’t get to her.

When I return to the living room Aera, Ichika, and Himari are wiping the tears off their faces as they laugh at me.

“That really was embarrassing,” Himari says. “How long were you lost again?”

“Oh, shut up.”

↔

The rest of the morning passes with no further incidents, although I do go about cursing at my luggage as each suitcase seems to have no end in sight. I typically stay for roughly six months at a time here, which is what I’ve planned for. That should put me here over Christmas this year, returning at the tail-end of January. Just in time for tax-season in the states.

It would be a real pity if I missed that, now wouldn’t it? Himari and Ichika sneak into my room to observe the damage, wincing as I tell them that I still have one bag left to go.

“We’ll be back in a bit, but if we aren’t back in time for your meeting, good luck!” Ichika gives me a thumbs up before heading back downstairs. Himari lingers for a moment, assessing the piles of clothes I’m currently trapped between.

“Having fun?”

I give a dry laugh. “You have no idea. Ready for your lesson?” Himari and Ichika work together, tutoring kids in Japanese. They tend to spend the majority of their time here every year, and over the past three years they’ve created quite the reputation. Apparently the two of them are a dynamic duo.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Himari replies. She’s hesitating, that much I can tell. We may have only known each other for three years, but we know each other inside and out. Outlandish circumstances tend to lead to strong bonds.

“What are you wanting to say?”

She laughs at my intuition. “Ah, right. That. It’s just,” she fidgets in my doorway. “Are you doing ok? I saw you and Kyung-soon up on the balcony last night, it looked like you were having quite the conversation.”

I sigh, a little surprised that I didn’t notice when the others came back. I must have been in my own little world last night.

“I’m...better now. I was just overwhelmed, and Soon was able to wring some emotions out of me.”

Himari nods, the concern in her face fading. “Good, I’m glad. You know, Beth, you can talk to me if you need to. I was getting worried over the last little while, it’s been hard not seeing you and having to guess about your emotional state. If you need anything, I’m here.”

I stop folding a shirt, laying it aside as I rise and make my way to Himari. She meets me halfway, enveloping me in a tight hug. Neither one of us talk about our emotions very often, rarely do I feel the need to. But the fact that she’s so willing to listen makes me thank my lucky stars for friends like Himari.

“Thanks, Himi. I’m so lucky to have you, truly.”

“Oh, I know.”

With that Himari leaves me to my unpacking frenzy, leaving me alone in the house with Aera. It doesn’t take long until she’s knocking on my door, her room just down the hall from my own.

“Need any help?”

“Please.”

With the two of us working together we finish much sooner than I had anticipated. Aera makes me laugh, stating that she thought I should have brought more clothes.

“What do you mean more clothes? I’m pretty sure these are all of the clothes I own.”

Aera looks at me in feigned shock. “Are you kidding me? It’s high time I take you shopping. What time is it?”

We check the clock and notice that I only have a couple of hours left before I have to leave for my meeting. Not nearly enough time to go shopping. Especially not in the huge city of Seoul. Instead we settle on my bed, the two of us staring wistfully at my photo of Jeju Island.

“We should go back,” Aera mumbles from beside me. I hum in agreement. “That was such a great weekend.”

“That weekend was the weirdest weekend of my life.” I laugh as Aera smacks my shoulder. “What? It was! Within literally one week I found out I had a soulmate, he was famous and one of my role models in life, and that I had these six other girls in the same situation and I was shipped off to an island for a weekend to ‘bond’ with them. Don’t tell me that’s not weird.”

Aera nods beside me, eyes sparkling as she recalls that weekend. “Yeah, it was weird I guess. I don’t know, I was just so happy that I had six new best friends who would always be linked to me since our soulmates are inextricably linked with each other. I had thought for so long that I would be all alone on this crazy journey. I guess I was just so happy that I wasn’t alone anymore that I didn’t think about the weirdness of it all.”

I forgot about that. Aera was the first soulmate BigHit found. She’s from downtown Seoul, certainly the closest to our boys. Apparently Mr. Bang found her almost six months before he found me. He hadn’t informed her when he found the others, preferring to not get her hopes up until all of us were found and agreed to the terms of agreement he set us.

When I think about those six months Aera went through all alone, not able to tell another soul that she was impossibly linked with Park Jimin, I can’t help but admire her even more for her quiet strength.

“That must have been horrible, not being able to talk to anybody about it.”

Aera only nods, eyes still glued to the photo. “I’m not going to lie, it was. I thought I was going insane most of the time.” She laughs drily at the memory, and I scoot closer to her. “Do you remember what it was like meeting each other? For a second I thought that Mr. Bang had messed up and that we were soulmates!” She shoots me a fond smile.

“You can say that again.”

“Why would I say it again?”

We look at each other blankly before I burst out into laughter. “Oh, sorry! It’s a phrase in English. I guess it doesn’t translate over very well, does it?” We both giggle, the moment seeming so calm. “It’s true, though. What you said. We all just...clicked. It makes me wonder.”

The moment I walked through the doors of the house we were staying at and met my six best friends, the world became a much brighter place. I had arrived later in the day due to meetings, and I had been so nervous. I was cursing myself the whole ride over, calling myself an idiot for agreeing to Mr. Bang’s idea of “bonding” with my soul sisters. It seemed like a ridiculous idea, but the thought of having other people to lean on and talk to was too tempting to pass up.

The second I met the others, I could feel the warmth and love our friendship would bring. It was like, for a split second, I experienced all the emotions we would go through together. The heart-wrenching tears, the nights filled with laughter and silly antics, the worry and adoration for each other. Above all else, I felt the pillar of support that promised to be a constant throughout our friendship.

It was, in a word, overwhelming. Which I’ve noticed has become a common theme over the past few years. Overwhelming, yet exhilarating.

“Wonder about how it will be to meet Namjoon?”

I nod, laughing at how even the mention of my soulmate seems to have me melting. It can be inconvenient at times, especially when I’m in a meeting and somebody brings up the band. It’s pretty hard to play it cool, so instead I’ve learned to just excuse myself to the bathroom whenever that happens. Can’t have anybody thinking that I’ve got a schoolgirl crush on BTS.

“Well, look at it this way.” Aera rolls off of my bed, stretching like a cat. “I’m probably just going to pass out. No questions asked. The second I lock eyes with Park Jimin, I’m going to pass out cold.” I let out a startled laugh as Aera feigns seriousness. “So, as long as you don’t pass out, you should be good. I’ll take up all the embarrassment, there won’t even be enough left for you. Which is good, I think. Because if it was that intense just meeting you guys, and we’re not even directly connected, then I can only imagine how intense it’s going to be with those weirdos.”

With that little speech, Aera flicks a strand of long brown hair over her shoulder and marches out of my room, leaving me dumbstruck.

“Um, Aera?” I call after her, heading toward the bathroom to finally get ready for my meeting.

“Yeah?”

“I really hope I get that on video.”

“What, me passing out in front of Jimin?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh-ho, you’ll regret it if you do. Better watch it, little girl.”

↔

It’s been so long since I’ve been in Seoul that I decide to leave nearly an hour early for my meeting, taking the option of the bus over car. Aera didn’t mind, she was leaving anyways. She was off to a high-end boutique she had just pitched some designs to. She was obviously nervous, but I had no doubt the boutique would gladly welcome her ideas. Aera was an up and coming designer, she had even recently designed a dress that was worn overseas at a film premier.

I was on the bus for just shy of an hour as it made its way across Seoul. I didn’t mind one bit, it allowed me some extra time to simply reconnect with the city and map it out in my head. It was something I often did, in order to prevent future mishaps...like getting lost at a certain night market for hours on end.

I was so lost in my mental map-making that I almost didn’t notice the bus’s approach to the Webtoon office building. Scrambling off the bus, I made my way to my first meeting.

Everything went pretty much according to schedule. I was able to review the panels that my illustrators had prepared for the upcoming season of my book-converted-toon “Young Rising”.

It was all too easy to dive into the work that awaited me there, happy to back among my friend and editor. He was the same prestigious editor who had been there that day Mr. Bang came to visit me. I have no idea what Mr. Bang told him, but my editor never asked me any questions about it.

Apparently it was so nice to be back that I didn’t even notice the time until the sun had set. I glared at the clock on the wall in the drawing room, claiming that it was already well after 9 pm. Add a bus ride onto that, and I won’t be home until nearly 11. I pulled out my phone to text the girls only to find a flurry of texts already waiting for me.

7:32 Himari loml: Don’t tell me you’ve decided to go back to the states already, you just barely unpacked.

8:01 Himari loml: Wow, did you miss work that much? More than me?

8:17 Aera 💛: Are you staying late tonight? Let me know.

9:08 Kyung-soon☺️: I swear if you’re lost at another night market, I’m not coming to get you.

9:28 Kyung-soon☺️: I’M KIDDING I SWEAR TELL ME IF YOU’RE LOST I’LL COME GET YOU

9:32 Ichi: Beth I drew you a picture while I was in class, come home so I can give it to you.

9:38 Himari loml: Ok

9:38 Himari loml: We’ve got a situation here

9:39 Himari loml: Seriously, come home ASAP

9:41 Himari loml: Minsuh is on her way to the office rn. Let me know when you get this.

What started out making me roll my eyes suddenly comes to a halt as I keep scrolling through my notifications. It’s only when I return Himari’s text, letting her know that I’m fine, that I notice the missed call from 9:35.

Missed call: Bang PD 😟

Previous - Next

taglist: @mae-musicbitch

[msmarvelwrites]

The Winter Soldier - Part 15

Info: A Devastating car crash causes you to lose your memory and start over. The only thing left in the wreckage was the horrific nightmares which plagued your mind. If you knew what today would entail you would have just stayed in bed. But you didn’t and because of that, everything you knew was about to change.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: swearing, gun violence. 

W/c: 2.9k

A/n: I’m double posting for @kalesrebellion​ because she called me out. So here you go babe. Also, I did an embarassing amount of research trying to come up with the basics for the serum. But I concluded that this is fiction and it doesnt really matter. But if you’re ur a science major and this doesnt make sense please dont come for me lol

There are moments in your life that define you. Moments you look back on after everything and wonder, if you had listened to your gut, maybe it would be different. This was one of those moments. Bucky’s world shattered around him as Natasha’s words rang through his comm. 

“We’ve been compromised, Buck. I’ve been hit. They got Y/n.” Her voice, broken and solemn. 

No. 

Dammit, NO.

This isn't how this was supposed to happen. This was an easy job. Only a few Hydra agents resided in this compound. The whole thing felt like a dream. One he was completely and utterly unprepared to handle. How could he let this happen. He should have been there. 

“Dammit. What's your location? I'm coming to you.” He shouted. His blood began to boil and he heard your heavy breathing on the other side. You were running. “Y/n, please come in. Please, doll. Where are you?” Bucky hated how broken he sounded. He knew the rest of the team could hear his begging, but he didnt care. He couldn't. He just needed to get to you. 

“You always were a fighter. Right till the bitter end.” A man’s muffled voice came through his comm. He didn't recognize it as anyone he knew, but there was something familiar about it. A distant memory he couldn't quite piece together. Before he could speak, your voice broke though, a small whisper shattering his heart and sending him into a blind rage. 

“Bucky” You breathed, choking on a cough. 

“Y/n. I’m coming to you, doll. Don't worry, I've got you. I’m going to get you out of this. Don't worry, I’m coming.” He pleaded, but was only met with static, and then finally silence. The rest of the team kept quiet, waiting for any kind of sign of life from you. When none came, Nat spoke up. 

“Guys, we gotta get out of here. They've set off a security alert, this place is going to blow in three minutes.” Her voice was now back to its usual tone, but Bucky knew better. She was scared, he could hear it.  “ There’s no sign of her out here. She’s just… gone.” He could hear that she was running now.

“Bucky, we gotta go.” Steve spoke from beside him. Bucky’s head snapped to his friend, eyes wide and body still frozen. 

“We can't leave. Not without her.” He all but begged. 

“You heard Natasha, she’s on her way.” He paused, “Nat, you got the files?” He spoke into his earpiece, motioning Bucky to follow him to the entrance they had come through. 

“Yeah, I have them. Thanks for asking by the way. I’m great, two more bullet holes in my gut, but yeah, files are more important.” She scoffed, causing Steve to roll his eyes.  “I’m headed to the entrance right now.”

“No, I’m not leaving without Y/n!” Bucky tried to pull away from Steve, but he was stronger. A fact he would never admit to the guy, his head was already big enough. 

“She’s not here Buck. They wouldn't blow the compound with her in it.” He persisted.

Sam’s voice interjected, “Jet’s fired up, you guys better get the fuck outta there. We have less than a minute.” 

Bucky and Steve ran through the dark hallways together until they almost slammed into Nat’s small frame. He gasped when she appeared in the hollow moonlight. Her face was contorted in pain, something he was all too familiar with. Guilt.

“I lost her. I’m so sorry, it was my job to-” She broke off into a sob. Bucky wanted to agree. Yell that if she was a better agent- a better person his girl would be coming home with them. But he couldn't... This was on him. He knew it was a bad idea to bring you on the mission. He deserved all the blame. 

“She’s not dead. Not yet anyways. But we will be if we don't get out of here.” Steve yelled over the alarms blaring in the hallway. 

Bucky and Nat both nodded, and followed Steve across the field. Before they could reach the jet, the warehouse behind them rumbled before letting out an earth shattering explosion, sending the two of them flying into the ground. Without hesitation, Bucky grabbed Natasha's hand and pulled her from the ground. He wrapped her arm around his shoulder and all but dragged her body onto the jet. 

“Vision’s been alerted we need medical. He’s been staying at a safe house in Munich. We can be there in thirty minutes.” Steve spoke urgently, rifling through the cabinets of the jet looking for the first aid kit. 

“Seriously guys, it's a flesh wound. I’m- Ah!” Nat screamed in pain as the jet hit a spout of turbulence. 

“Like you were saying.” Wanda smirked, placing her hands carefully on Nats' wound. Her hands glowed a deep red as she tried to relieve the pain. The spy’s face relaxed, but only for a moment before she was back to worried. 

“He’s alive, Buck.” Nat spoke, and when she did, he could hear the fear in her words. 

“Who?” Steve demanded, but Nat’s eyes stayed put on Bucky’s. 

“Tommy. She said his name in the hallway. It was him, Buck. He’s not dead. He’s the one that shot me, the one that took her.” Nat flinched in pain as Wanda's hands fell from her side. 

“That’s not possible.” Bucky shook his head. “Steve found my mission file. I killed him. I remembered it. You just don't walk away from that.” 

“Well, clearly you do.” Nat spoke sarcastically, pointing to the gushing holes in the body. 

“So Tommy’s alive? And he’s Hydra now?” Wanda asked, suddenly realising her hands were not on Nat’s wounds anymore. She placed them back silently apologising. 

“And he’s got Y/n.” Bucky added, his jaw clenched in anger. 

“We’ll get her back.” Steve spoke. He placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder which he quickly shrugged off, pacing back and forth through the small aircraft. 

“I know we will. And i’m going to finish the fucking job and tear that prick in two.” He seethed, mostly to himself. 

He tried to focus on the task at hand. Desperately brainstorming how to get to you, but his mind was spirling. How could he just leave you? How could he have been so stupid? The sound of his name leaving your lips echoed around him, only fuling his growing rage. 

“All our tactical suits have hidden trackers in the sleeves. We will hear it go off, but until then we wait. They cant have gotten far.” Steve started as the jet began its descent. “We're almost at the safe house. We’ll track her from there. In the morning, we’ll head out.”

“Morning? That's too long. She could be-'' Bucky cut himself off, too broken at the thought to finish that sentence. “I’ll find her myself tonight.” He grumbled. 

“Oh no you don’t. We’re a team, Buck. We do this together. Vision will be able to enable her tracker. But we need to work together. We can't lose anybody else to impulse decisions.” Steve scolded. 

He knew his friend was right but it didn't make it any easier to agree. All Bucky wanted to go but get you back. Keep you safe and never let anyone touch you again. He tried to keep his distance before, he really did, but that was out the window now. There wasn't a chance in hell he was leaving your side after this. As for the man that ripped you from his grasp, oh boy… He tried not to make a habit out of fantasizing murder, mostly as it resulted in the Winter Soldier coming out of the shadows, but if that was the case with Tommy, so be it. Only when Bucky stood in a pile or carnage and gore and blood would he finally feel peace again...

“We're coming up on the safe house. Y'all ready to bail?” Sam's voice tore Bucky out of his thoughts, and thankfully so. He was sure it was leading to a very destructive path. 

“Buck, help us get Nat inside. Wanda and Sam - sweep the area, make sure no one has followed us. I’ll fill Vision in on what's happened and see if he can turn on Y/n’s tracker now.” Steve commanded as he hopped out of the jet. 

“Can you stand?” Bucky asked, dipping down to tuck Nats arm around his shoulder, helping her up. She nodded reluctantly, wincing in pain as she moved. 

The safe house was a small cabin in the middle nowhere. Munich was only a few minutes down the road but the thick coverage of trees that surrounded the cabin made it feel secluded and hard to be spotted from above.  If they weren't followed, no one would ever know they were here. 

Bucky helped Nat inside, letting Steve and Wanda take over once they were through the door. Before he could enter, he stopped, taking a moment to gaze upon the sun rising over the mountains. In a few hours, he’d be with you again. He just had to make it until then, and pray to whatever god would still have him, that you were alive. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Продолжай копать. Нам надо её найти.” Keep digging. We have to find it. The voice rang in your mind, waking you from the recurring nightmare. Visions of Tommy and that boyish smile that once brought so much happiness.. His voice, the way it used to say your name, now only causing you ache. 

“Wait, rewind there! Вернись. That’s it.” The voice spoke again, echoing around the room. You opened your eyes slowly, taking in your surroundings, but all you were met with was darkness. You could feel movement around you, but the blindfold tied around your eyes masked their faces. 

“I’m positive she told me what was in that serum.” His voice caused your heart to just about leap from your chest. You knew that voice anywhere. 

“You better be right. You're as good as dead to me otherwise.” Another man spoke. 

“No I’m sure. Wait! Right there. Replay that part.” Tommy asserted. 

Suddenly a headache burned through your temples, scorching the inside of your eyes. You screamed in pain as it coarsed though your body until an image appeared in your mind. It replayed over and over, making you dizzy. 

“Whatcha doing?” Tommy cooed, taking a seat on your desk. 

“Just trying to find the right components.” You spoke, not taking your eyes microscope as you examined the petri dish below. 

“Cummon, baby. You've been at this for hours. Come eat something.” You looked up, Tommy stood there with that big goofy smile you loved so much. 

“I’ve almost got it. Just a little longer.” You reassured him, rolling in your chair and picking up another sample and analysing it. 

“What exactly is, it?” he asked, emphasizing the word. 

“If I mix the steroid with-” 

Another shrieking jolt of pain seared through you as the memory disappeared, leaving you trembling. 

“Go back, we almost had it!” Someone yelled from beside you. 

You tried to scream, to beg them to stop, but it was no use. Before you could try again, the same horrible pain erupted through your body, ripping you back to the distant memory. 

“If I mix the steroid with human blood, it does as it's designed.  But taking into account the theory of nuclear transmutation, we can assume given the right element we can use the serum to absorb its surroundings, right?” You spoke, like it was common sense. 

“Sure…” Tommy chuckled. 

“So, strip down the original serum, add radiation to its compound, now it needs the ability to absorb energy… What element do we know has that power?” it wasn't a question, nor did you think Tommy would know the answer so you continued, “Water, and our bodies are basically made of that. So in turn, if we can create the original serum mixed with high levels of radiation, inject the person, granted you're not killed by that high levels of toxicity, we're looking at a new type of Super Soldier. One that could, in theory, mutate around the serum and absorb its surroundings!” You finally finished.

“I have no idea what any of that means… But it sounds cool. Now put the vile down, and eat something.” He laughed, grabbing the sample out of your hands and carefully placing it on the table next to you.

“Thats it!” Someone shouted. “Of course, why didn't we think of this. Call the commander, tell him we found it.” 

You felt your body twist in agony, but soon the memory left, leaving you back in the dark with disembodied voices echoing around you. 

“What do you want me to do with her?” a man asked. 

“I don't care. убить её?” Kill her? You froze at his words. Even if you could move, your hands were tied down to the chair. Gentally you wiggle your fingers, careful not to draw any attention to yourself. Not that you would be able to tell. The ring that Shuri had made you was still there. If you timed in right, and you still had Wanda’s borrowed power, you could use it to untie yourself and hopefully get the fuck out of this hell hole. 

“Kill her?” Tommy choked. “You didn't say anything about killin’ her?” 

“You should be thankful. The girl’s been sharing a bed with the same man who killed you once before. In fact, I’m so pleased with your work developing this memory decoder that I’ll give you the honour.” The man spoke, shuffling around the room. “Here, tell me when you're done having your fun.” A few heavy footsteps later, and you finally heard the door close. The silence was deafening, but eventually, Tommy let out a deep breath and took a step towards you, ripping your blind fold off. 

You squinted as you tried to acclimate your eyes to the lighting of the room. It was small and dark, but a few dim lights hung above you illuminating Tommy's features. Once upon a time you would have described them as strong and rugged. Now they seemed to loom over you, sending a shiver down your spine. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, softer than you expected. You quickly clocked the pistol in his left hand and tried to suppress a scoff. 

“Am I okay?” You gawked at him. “You just dug through my head like a sand pit. No- no I’m not okay you shit head!” You screamed. 

Tommy chuckled, using the gun to scratch the back of his neck. “Touché…” He spoke, pulling up a stool and plopping himself down on it infront of you. “I missed that attitude baby. Really, these past couple years have been hell without you. These guys are really scary, but I told em- I said, my girl will know what to do. And you did, baby. I never doubted you.” His voice was like honey. Thick and sickenly sweet. 

“What are you talking about?! I thought you were dead!? I mourned you, asshole. And you've been alive this whole time, working against me?” You couldn't believe how cavalier he was being about this. Tommy only shrugged, fuling the rage inside you. 

“Nah, it's not like that. I was dead, really I was. But then Hydra came and BOOM I was back. They promised me that they’d keep me safe, as long as I could help em get that serum you were always talkin’ bout. Said they wanted to give it time in your system, make sure it didn't kill ya.” He started, narrowing his eyes slowly, “You grieved me? That's a funny way of putting it. Cause from what I saw in that head of yours, you were pretty chummy with that Soldier.”  

You couldn't stifle the scoff that erupted in your mouth. “You're kidding right? Jesus, Tom. They brainwashed me. And I don't need to explain myself. You're sick, you know that?  How could you do this? Do you have any idea what they're going to use that serum for?” You fired the questions off like explosives into his chest, but he didn't even flinch. 

“I don't really care. They told me if I gave em’ your little recipe, they’d let me go.” He shrugged. 

“And so what? Now you're going to kill me?” 

“No… Maybe. I haven't really decided yet.” He looked down at the pistol like it was the first time he really noticed it was there. Contemplating your death like he was deciding between his morning coffee. 

“I would get going on that if I were you.” You lifted your hands, wiggling your wingers playfully “Really, Tommy, you're not cut out for this line of work.” You spat, jumping from your seat and landing a hard kick to his gut, sending him flying back. The gun ricocheted off the ground and hit the wall, but before he could react, you grabbed it. In one swift move you turned the safety off and placed your finger on the trigger. 

“Cummon baby, let's talk about this.” He raised his hands in surrender. “You wouldn't shoot me.” 

You cocked a brow, “You sound really confident in that statement. Especially for a boy who was debating my death a moment ago.” You argued. 

“Dont take it personally, baby. Anything you can do, I can do better. Remember?” You smirked. 

................................................................................................................................

A/n: Another Cliff hanger? Yes. Do I know how to wrote anything else? No... My bad lol. I hope your enjoyed this one as much as I did writing it! As always, @cutie1365​ is the bomb dot com for editing this for me. Tommy sucks, we both agree. I hope he gets whats coming to him... please leave some love and reblog if you read it! 

@kalesrebellion​

@projectcampbell​

@calwitch​