#if hes just a child with fear that can be solved by simple facts I think he would really look up to and respect logan

[warnadudenexttime]

Thinking about analogical’s development through the years

[mysadblacksoul]

Backslide - 3/13 of the Clancy album

Grab a coffee and let's start this madness

MV

Tyler is wearing the same clothes that he wore in Overcompensate MV to I would assume that this MV takes place right after

Let's break down the signs first

We see the return of Ned Bayou as well as FPA, now standing for Food Petrol Etc.

You can buy 9 buns for $21, love the symbolism

There is a Jim sign omg. Baby is having his own bubblegum business

Of course the Bishops sign with 9 lines marked on it

I could've sworn that the black sign says "Dema Vapes", but looking closely I believe it's "Velma Vapes" lol

What is more, the cones (?) are yellow and I'm pretty sure that the fact that there are 5 of them is not an accident

They sold him bread that went bad lol. Nah for sure it's not the case since he gives the same bread to a child

But I believe that the scene and the lyrics are closely tied with Stressed Out

Now the next scene is interesting

I think that the bad weather is a simple metaphor for feelings of anxiety or fear

We can see that Tyler was contemplating then he was suddenly pulled from his thoughts

This is when the scene changes to normal, right? Exactly on the line It's over my head

Then we move to the scene with the kid

And I really believe that this little lad is personification of Ned

Like he has the same boba eyes lol

No but for real, this is parallel to Chlorine - kid is giving Tyler a cup just like Tyler gave to Ned. Yet he accepts it and drinks whatever is inside and Ned just shudders

Another interesting thing, that could make my point more valid is that the kid literally asks Is that a stain? You should change / Are you doin' good? / Did you solve all of your problems? like he knows Tyler very well and is in a way looking out for him

It's like he's keeping Ned by him - okat I'll stop

It might be a stretch, but the N kinda looks like a mirrored band symbol, do you also see it?

If 0.75c is equivalent to the cost of one bun than Tyler is being ripped off since he paid $21 for the pack instead of $6.75 lmao

Something is really wrong with those buns lmao

Then the mood changes again, but this time is even worse. Like his mental health is declining even more and even faster

The bread is wet, the day is ruined, thanks Mr. Joseph

You killed it Josh, love your creative mind

*funny music stops*

Now let's talk about the way how the MV is looping itself

I would say that it is a demonstration of the twisted circle that is life

Maybe it's a very basic analysis but I think of all the complicated lore-oriented MVs this one is uncomplicated

What is shown here is how our psyche can play tricks on us and how we can complicate a rather simple situation ourselves

If Tyler hadn't had dark thoughts then nothing would have happened to the bread, so he would have just gone and given it to Josh

This shows how our psyche itself can abolish the situation in which we find ourselves

Looping, on the other hand, shows that as long as we don't do anything about it ourselves, we will be stuck in this fishbowl (see what I did there?)

Maybe it's one big AD to check your mental health and a sign to try to get better

Lyrics!

Rat race, place to place, adding weight / Tendencies on repeat, innit? - rat race for sure happened in Dema, and repeat is literaly the loop, innit meand that Clancy is canonicaly British

Benefit from a shoe with no lace - shoe with no lace would make you fall back on the behaviour that you are running from

Take the seat with the crease in it - seat of someone who already tried to change their life, or even who had the same dreams and hopes for better future like Clancy

This could be parallel to When I leave, don’t save my seat/ I’ll be back when it’s all complete from Chlorine

I don't care, you control me / Leading me anywhere - well, all I should say is Dema don't control me and we all know the rest of the story

I don't wanna backslide to where I've started from - he doesn't wanna go back to his back habits as well as doesn't wanna go back to his life before he tried to escape

There's no chance I will shake this again - if he falls back one more time that will be the end of him. His psyche won't take it anymore and his plans will be buried

'Cause I feel the pull, water's over my head - this is parallel to Fall Away And I, I can feel the pull begin. But it also gives me the parallel to Holding On To You MV, the scene with the rope

Strength enough for one more time - like I said, this would be the last attempt to change everything

Reach my hand above the tide - it could indicate that his physical strength is also wearing out

I'll take anything you have / If you could throw me a line - again with the line. But it also can mean that he can endure anything now, he just needs a little helping hand

I should've loved you better - this line can be directed both to himself but also to the person who extends his hand to help. He might not have appreciated both parts before and now regrets it

Do you think that now's the time / You should let go? - This line is like both a request and an apology. As if he wants to say “I'm sorry I treated you badly before but please don't leave me when I need help”

Bad place, on a hundred-dollar bass - this line is also giving me Stressed Out. You can imagine the cheap bass being transported on the bicycle right?

Kinda wishin' that I never did "Saturday" - I think that he doesn't mean the MV irl lol, but the regret of taking part in Bishops' manipulation altogether

Is that a stain? You should change - a play with mentioning Saturday and the lirycs She said that I should change my clothes

Are you doin' good? / Did you solve all of your problems? - like I said before I believe that this is Ned looking out for Clancy, wishing him well

Thanks for asking, in a way, but / Accidentally uncovered a new one yesterday - safe to say that he is not doing better lol

What happened to what I brushed under the rug? - what happened to how well he used to be able to hide his problems and true feelings

I used to be the champion of a world you can't see / Now I'm drowning in logistics - if viewed as a fact that he created this world it now looks like he wants to regain all control over it. Logistics is to take care of the management of planning. And once again we see the mention of drowning

The bridge is acting as an externalization of his myhs and fears that even if he is outside the Dema, the Bishops will still have control over him

The entire song is about both regaining conrol over the world of Dema but also regaining control over himself, his psyche.

The main theme is about not going back to old habits.

The most important thing here is progress and pushing forward.

Because one wrong move can make all the work in vain and we will sink to the very bottom.

Safe to say that I liked it haha

[themoodyestj]

hello "new person" assuming you aren't yet another sock account created by walker girl because she's bored and doesn't have any friends.

for someone who claims to have a brain, you sure bought a lot of the bs walker girl admittedly made up.

just open your eyes, if you really have a brain then use it and realize that hating on Jensen is a futile waste of time.

because he doesn't even know you exist, and everyone else is busy with their own lives.

there's no point to this, you can't help him, or hurt him, and even if you do this just for funsies, because you like to trigger people.

i guarantee, no one gets their day ruined over a stupid post on tumblr, i doubt anyone even thinks about it for more than 5 minutes tops.

so why don't you find something better to do with with your life?

i promise Jensen will be fine he's a grown adult, and he can solve his own problems just fine.

Oh my, my first hate mail. :D I was actually wondering why the AAs were so quiet while raging on in other platforms, and then I noticed my anon asks were off. They're bold with their words but not with their nicknames, am i right? But lets get to business, shall we? hello "new person" assuming you aren't yet another sock account created by walker girl because she's bored and doesn't have any friends. Oh, I take offense to that, delulu person. I am indeed a new person. Or... well, not that new, just started speaking up a bit more recently. I dont intend to prove anything to you, I dont give a rats ass about what you think, really, and im sure it would help your delusion to think that Im someone's double account, but I am not. Fairy Godmother turned me into a real girl, I swear. for someone who claims to have a brain, you sure bought a lot of the bs walker girl admittedly made up. Oh I do have a brain! It's not a claim, it's a fact! My mom got me tested! (Sorry, had to insert a Big Bang Theory joke here) And no, walkergirl is one of the people I read, but not the only one. Many many others share similar opinions, including people in your circle (except you club them to death like baby seals, you big bullies). Also, I have eyes. I can read. I can think. And if you dont mind me saying... dude, strong projection. Im not the one being fed up lies from the media despite a lot indicating the contrary. And I guess it's annoying to you that a lot of people start to to think the same... Fear us, because we are many. Muahahahahah (Not scared yet? Ah well.) just open your eyes, if you really have a brain then use it and realize that hating on Jensen is a futile waste of time. Ok. Read my characters. I DONT HATE JENSEN. I actually love him. And thats why i want to see him grow and be happy. I can love someone and have critical thinking. Imagine what would happen if you raised a child, which is the most love you can feel for someone, and only praise him? Youd get a Duhneel, and honey, no one wants that. One is enough, dear lord!

Besides, you don't get to tell me who I hate or not, delulu person, stop trying to force your opinion on me. Geez. because he doesn't even know you exist, and everyone else is busy with their own lives. Oh I saw that. I saw how people were getting busy with their lives, in fact, I was sent screenshot after screenshot of how people were busy living their lives. In fact, I know you didnt write this message, its your secretary, because youre busy with your life, right? You old geezers, stop trying to pull my leg like that! (LOL) It would be funny if it wasnt so tragic how one simple post from a small blog can rile you all up like that. But golly, am i happy you guys have a life to live! Go live it! there's no point to this, you can't help him, or hurt him, and even if you do this just for funsies, because you like to trigger people. Well, I do it to express my opinion, thats my point, and it so happens to trigger some very sensitive people. Although I dont go shove my truth in their faces, like you are, Im simply... expressing an opinion. Im sure the concept is familiar to you. But if I were trying to trigger anyone... You'd be playing right into my game, wouldnt you? Mindblowing, right? Maybe a teachable moment right there, just saying. i guarantee, no one gets their day ruined over a stupid post on tumblr, i doubt anyone even thinks about it for more than 5 minutes tops. Yeah, we've been over that. Im so happy my post didnt cause any imposition and people were able to live their merry lives without causing much of a fuss. And im grateful you gave me your five minutes of thinking about my post. Thank you for the attention. so why don't you find something better to do with with your life? Because... I dont want to and youre not the boss of me, neiner neiner? But hey, dont lose hope on me so fast, I do plenty of things! Do you want me to share some recipes of food I cooked for the first time this evening so you can use in your life when youre not thinking about me? I could share some! i promise Jensen will be fine he's a grown adult, and he can solve his own problems just fine. Oh, thank you for the reassurance, I was getting so worried about him! Im sure he is in great company, with you people salivating over him. He wont get dehydrated, thats for sure! Now on a more serious note... I really dont know what you expected with this message. To rile me up? To play with my insecurities? For idiotic messages, idiotic answers. You get it as you dish it. May this be a lesson. The thing is, as much as I love Jensen, I will never be so invested in him as you and your delulu friends are, because i keep a healthy mental stance when it comes to celebrities. So I would advise you to really follow your own advice and live your life, and live it well. Don't let my post ruin your day, its just words. And like you said, Jensen doesnt give a crap about any of us, so what would be the point, right? Tumblr is not my life, this is a place where i spend some time, but it doesnt really define me. If you check my blog... you wont find much there. Im not as proliferous as most bloggers, but hey, you sure gave me a run for my money this weekend! Ok, this was fun. See you never.

[the-eggplantblog]

Hello everyone, I simply wanted to see Rayman's evolution, growth and apparently his mental deterioration over time...

things before starting....

>I know something about mental health and psychology, but I'm not an expert....don't take my words too seriously.

>some topics related to the decline of mental health will be discussed, I repeat something about the topic again, but I am not an expert on this, much less a professional, do not take this very seriously.

>I will talk about some headcanons (like Rayman's growth, to give an example), and this is all a headcanon/theory about Rayman's character, so take it as entertainment.

>if you want you can correct me (I may have been wrong on one point about the canon or something similar...I haven't had the great opportunity to play all the Rayman games and know their stories in depth) or contribute to this headcanon/theory, but always with kindness.

>THERE WILL NOT BE TALK ABOUT ORIGINS OR LEGENDS, I consider them as part of another dimension, and they are basically the Rayman from Rayman 1, grown up and without traumas, so we are interested in them for this blog.

> my English is not the best... sorry if you don't understand something....

>THIS IS JUST ENTERTAINMENT AND I DO IT FOR MY OWN FUN

>LONG POST

continue reading below the cut....

rayman 1 the happy era

You have to start from the beginning, Rayman from Rayman 1, he is a kid who could easily be about 8-10, this is evident from his very childish and small design, as reflected in his Sprites and animations and as he demonstrates all the time. .

Rayman is lively, maintaining an optimistic smile even if the situation he is experiencing is somewhat dangerous, you can see how someone is very optimistic and cheerful, who seems not to take things very seriously, due to the fact that he makes fun of his own enemies ,or does not seem to be afraid of them until the situation gets serious, like a child would do.

To a certain extent he maintains a somewhat innocent and carefree posture, since he is seen not taking Mr Dark's situation so seriously, or not fully understanding the seriousness of the situation, until Betilla is captured, but another important characteristic of Rayman is his good will and heart of gold, since he will have no problem helping the other thingamajigs or creatures he meets along the way, always finding time to help everyone, something worth admiring.

In fact, it also highlights his great sense of empathy, this when after defeating the mosquito he empathizes with it, understanding that he did what he did, out of fear of Mr. Dark and the influence of nightmares.

In general, Rayman has a very fun and happy personality, with a lot of positivity, some innocence and, above all, not taking things too seriously, but his great sense of empathy and sense of doing good without really expecting anything in return stands out. Rayman does not have much development, but it could be assumed that after Betilla was captured by Mr Dark, Rayman would begin to take the matter of saving the world more seriously, although not reaching the level of Rayman from 2 or Spark of Hope.

This Rayman is totally healthy and after his adventure, it didn't have a really negative effect on him, but a positive one since he probably learned to take things a little more seriously, which can be reflected in Rayman 2, and maybe The most that could disturb him was the kidnapping of Betilla or Dark Rayman, better known as Raymesis, due to the fact that he had every intention of killing him, but this really gave him more of a life lesson than a trauma, since he overcame a fear and was able to take things more seriously, and he also solved these problems in a very simple and quick way, without having to suffer real consequences.

Rayman 2 beginning of the problems....

Rayman 2 is the root of all the traumas and mental decline that Rayman would later suffer... here we can see an older Rayman being about 13-14, age is very important here... since it is childhood adolescence where traumas and emotional wounds can be worse than when they happen to a young adult or an adult, since the wounds or traumas obtained in childhood can leave a very large scar and very difficult to treat, sometimes it even seems that overcomes the situation but out of nowhere it falls drastically....

many will ask what is all this about??? Well, the beginning of the game is already very strong, telling us everything that happened and the horrible things that happened, but even more horrible is the context of the game, that basically the villain won and that hopes are very little.... Heavy for Rayman is the fact that he tried to save his home from the pirates but lost.... since the pirates achieved their goal, destroying the great protoon and basically leaving Rayman without powers or strength, which doomed the world... ..

This is already very strong, leaving Rayman with a great feeling of guilt and remorse, since basically because he was not very strong or capable, he had to see his world be destroyed and enslaved without him being able to do anything, something that was torture psychological for him, considering his sense of kindness and empathy, plus being imprisoned, being treated very poorly, just imagine that razorbear in the game manual tells Rayman that he will make him his most docile slave...we don't know what things He suffered but, considering those words, Razorbear's personality and how they had the other prisoners and even how Rayman himself looked at the beginning of the game, weak without strength or courage, even almost without hope, almost succumbing to Razorbear's will, they do not give good signs...

If you can imagine really horrible things, from psychological torture, like Rayman had to listen to the suffering of others, even see them, without being able to do anything, razorbear reminding him that everything that is happening is thanks to him, putting ideas in his head , also mistreatment from beatings or lack of food or sleep, in addition to the fact that imprisonment is already a very heavy thing in itself, imagine that being a child, it definitely left many emotional wounds.

and all this is just the tip of the iceberg since we haven't talked about the caves of nightmares and Yano and how he totally traumatized Rayman by wanting to eat him alive and his contradictory personality, or the fact that on this occasion the risk Dying is more latent for Rayman, or constantly seeing the pirates' strangers in his beautiful home, etc.

It is really worrying about all the psychological and physical damage that Rayman suffered in this installment...it is really very terrifying and alarming to think about all that...just consider that one of these bad experiences already leaves serious damage. , which would require months or years of therapy to overcome normally.

Speaking of Rayman's personality in this adventure, Rayman proves to be more serious and somewhat lost in his thoughts, which is not surprising considering what he is experiencing, although he still has innocence, demonstrated as when Ly asks him about Polokus and He very honestly and innocently answers "NO".

He also follows his big heart of gold and sense of pure empathy, as he continues to help those who need it and even in this serious situation he tries to give some positivity, but not by lying or trying to cover the sun with a finger, but by giving hope that everything will improve, since although he has suffered a lot he is still not willing to give up until he breathes his last, which encourages others.

You can also see a braver and somewhat mature side of the character, since he is often fighting against his own fears, he knows first-hand how capable Razorbear can be and the world has become a dark place where almost everything can kill you if You are not careful, so fear is constant in Rayman as he himself expresses it to globox, but he still faces his fears for his friends, something very noble on his part, he often speaks from his own experience supporting everyone who needs it, giving emotional support as you see he does with globox or ugleta or his babies, it is also seen that he no longer gets distracted or makes fun of his opponents, he walks with his feet on the ground.

He also has a great will, since when he finally defeats Janus, he rejects the temptation of gold and leaves all the suffering for the past, leaving his world to its fate, another thing worth admiring about the character, although we also see sadder sides. or the character's despair, like at the beginning of the game, as I mentioned, he is totally sad and almost without hope, but it is globox who returns them to him when he arrives so that Rayman can finally hug an old friend.

In fact you can see all his joy and happiness, when he finally sees him demonstrating the great affection he has for his friends and how important they are to Rayman, you can also see how he celebrates when overcoming certain obstacles which shows that he still has something of childish joy in his being.

Basically Rayman shares many characteristics with his younger self, with the difference that he is in some ways more mature than the younger version of him.

Although here Rayman suffers a lot of emotional damage, he also learns things, such as bravery and seriousness and total concentration, even though here he suffers much more emotional damage from the entire saga....damage that will leave him with really serious marks, which could cause depression. or a big change in your way of being, or other problems such as some self-hatred or a lot of insecurity and cases of anxiety in addition to the most obvious post-traumatic stress, really serious if not treated properly....

okay, a publishing error forces me to separate this into parts, plus I think this is already a little long and I better let you digest everything I just said about Rayman in its second installment, you've probably never thought about it very deeply in those things XD

[throwaway-yandere]

Dear my Penpal,

Happy Irodori Festival!

This is the first time for me to write a letter to someone, so I'm quite intrigued to see who I'll get, haha. If you receive this, then that's great— it means that it's working and the postal office hadn't decided to leave my letter unsent.

Enough about that, I'm hoping you're having a great day so far. Please remember to take care of yourself, and to take breaks if you deem it necessary. Maybe in the future, you and I can meet up somewhere in Inazuma. I'm planning to head there for the festival, so I hope to see you during the festivities!

— Vermiculis Creatio

cw: body horror, yokais, yandere behavior, completely strange plot in general lol

a/n: iM SORRY HE'S MEAN I HAVE NO GRUDGE AGAINST YOU I THINK YOUR PEN NAME IS SUPER DOPE BUT HE IS JUST MEAN TTT___TTT

From this yandere genshin secret pen pal event

✥ YOU GOT A LETTER FROM YOUR SECRET PEN PAL!!!

"Hana ni arashi," the wanderer muttered with his hand slightly reaching for the sky, awaiting the inevitable raindrops.

His foretold half-jokes about rain materialized as he prophesied in the letter. Many had fled to find protection from the joy-ending rain, but he remained motionless beneath Ritou's tanabata tree. Earlier today, he was discreetly observing the festival's vendors and books as he wandered around with lordly nonchalance, making remarks about humanity's consistently obnoxious literature despite his irminsul shenanigans.

"So the protagonist still wanders as an object-apparition in the end?" Wanderer muttered as he clapped the book shut. "How dull."

Seems like no matter how much he tampered with the white tree, the dead will never come back to life.

He had little to examine now that all the stalls were protected by larger stores and private residences. The fact that the branches and his hat had failed to keep the drifter from getting wet didn't bother him. Instead, he observed the droplets smear the paper wishes that were hung on the tree.

'This year, I'm going to be a doctor.'

'Let's all solve world hunger!!! - Kav.'

'Here's to hoping I retire this year haha!'

'I'm going to graduate and live with my husband in Inazuma City.'

'I want to be loved.' 

'I WANT TO BE LOVED.'

The wanderer scoffed.

Such a simple yet difficult wish. 

"Loved in what way? Loved in reverence? Loved out of fear? Loved as a friend? Loved like how a mother would do so with her child?" He snatched the wish off the tree and squinted his eyes. 

"Loved as though you're someone's missing half?"

He scoffed and crumpled the soggy paper.

"Mortals. They can't be trusted to hold even an iota of freedom and independence. Always with the need to be shackled by shallow relations."

The wanderer may muse that out loud, but his entire being defied his proclamations.

What a hypocrite he is, spouting nonsense about relationships when he's here to rekindle something forgotten...

"H-Hey, you there! What on earth are you standing in the middle of the rain for? This is no time for sightseeing."

The wanderer flinched and his face lit up.

Wanderer was glad to hear that voice again.

He turned around, and he found you. You firmly held a red umbrella above your head as you stood beside him. Confused by his awfully timed contemplations, you gently grabbed his arm.

Huh... Why didn't he feel anything when you touched him?

"We need to get you under a roof, pronto," you implored. "That hat of yours isn't doing you any favors."

The wanderer made an effort not to look at the parasol. You didn't seem to be aware that the object you were holding contained some peculiar energy. He didn't say a word about how the eye in your red umbrella moved, hoping to amuse himself later once you worked it out.

He might use it to frighten you later. Irodori festivals feature a ton of yokai events, so it wouldn't harm to have you scream.

"Oh wow, really? I didn't notice," he snarled. "'Preciate your concern, but I don't care."

"Please?"

"Please, what?" He closed his eyes, restraining himself from making eye contact with your cursed parasol.

That yokai you're holding does feel special...

"Come with me?" You frowned. "The others are worried about you."

"Why do locals always love to prattle on such meaningless concerns."

"Haha," you sheepishly scratched your neck. "You know, you kind of remind me of my pen pal."

Finally. 

"If I remind you of a pen pal of yours, then you must have the mind of a worm."

"Hey—"

You stopped.

"... Oh... OH!!!"

He smirked.

"So it was y—"

"Believe what you want, worm."

"Oh, come on. The meaning behind that pen name was pretty neat, and I was—" 

"Not the brightest student in the Haravatat," the wanderer sighed. "At least you don't have an execrable lack of imagination, I'll acknowledge that much. If I handed that letter to Madam Faruzan, I imagine she would be distraught."

"You don't know that."

No, he does. But he also knows that Madam Faruzan praised the worm for their literacy on forgotten languages.

Vermiculus, meaning little larva or worm, and creatio, which doesn't take a genius to figure out it pertains to "creation."

"Do you even know who Madam Faruzan is?"

"Only whispers. As much as I want to write to her, I admit, I've never exchanged letters before you, so..."

So you don't know who she is after the revision?

Good. 

One less person to get in his way.

"A-Anyways, we ought to take shelter from the rain! Come on, already." 

With enough strength, you successfully sprint him out of the tanabata tree's shade. You were more focused on getting him out that the thought of checking for his pulse never occurred to you. 

You used to be sharper than that.

"Does a little rain make you upset? And here I thought worms like the rain for their moisture."

"S-Seriously?" You heaved, breathless. "Y-You're making jokes? And h-how are you not out of breath?"

Wanderer stayed quiet after that remark, emulating human breathing. 

You used to be acquainted with traveling, what happened to your stamina?

Wanderer's revision does not change the past entirely. It only erases this world's memory of him.

It does not make the dead come back to life.

"Stop."

"Hah?"

He seized the opportunity to check your pulse.

...

...

...

The wanderer tried not to look at y̶o̶u̶r̶ the parasol.

"(Y/n)."

"... Wait, how do you know my name?"

"I'm not talking to you," he gritted his teeth. "I'm talking to the kasa-obake."

He took the umbrella away from y̶o̶u̶r̶ the person's hand, his grip softening when he secured it.

"(Y/n)..."

The moving eye looked frightened.

------------------------------------------

"Have you heard about this story, Scara? In Inazuma, there was a woman who bought an umbrella from a shrine. One rainy day, she thought about using her umbrella, but then suddenly, she received a message informing her that her husband died in battle. She got sick and died in a few days to supposedly look for her lover in the afterlife. After that, people said the umbrella was cursed and the shrine maidens sealed it away."

"... Is that supposed to be an attempt at being scary?"

"Not really? I don't know. On nights like this, traveling with you can be deadly silent. I only wished to make it a bit more lively" you shrugged. "But you know, I think I get why I remembered that tale out of the blue."

"Sure, worm. Tell me about it when I'm not falling asleep."

"You don't need sleep, you're a puppet. Anyways, I think I shared that story 'cause I subconsciously realized I'm getting attached to you."

"What does that have to do with some umbrella yokai story?"

"I'm just saying that if you went through Dottore's plans and came out as a different person, I think I'd fall ill too."

"And die? And have your beloved worms claim your body?"

"Hmm, I suppose so, yes," you affirmed his disbelief casually. "Vermiculis Creatio. If I die, let them feast and claim my vessel as their own. My soul doesn't need my old body. Maybe you should make me a puppet like you, see what happens."

"Is that a promise?"

"If it'll make you less lonely and feel loved as a new Archon? Then yes,

it's a promise."

------------------------------------------

The wanderer grabbed the body's arm again.

"What are you doing? That hurt."

He dug his thumb deep within y̶o̶u̶r̶ the body's wrist.

Small insects.

Larva.

Worms.

The entire time, he was not speaking to (Y/n) (L/n).

He was speaking to their animated corpse.

Scaramouche grinned.

Perfect.

"W-Worms...?!"

"I'll be stealing this umbrella from you."

"Hold on- what?! Hold on, how did you tear through my skin like that, why are there worms inside my—"

"I'm not giving it back, so run away now."

"But—"

"This umbrella means a lot more to me than you. This umbrella has more life than you do." 

He pushed them aside.

"So why don't you bury yourself and claim their rotting body like the good little worm that you are?"

Scaramouche caressed the cursed parasol. His eyes were wide, unhinged, but there was no breathing heard amidst the strong rain. As the corpse ran afraid, he tenderly hugged the umbrella and whispered as though it had ears to listen to his madness.

He laughed manically, softly kissing its closed eye.

His true missing half is finally here, encircled by his arms.

"Don't worry, my (Y/n). I'll make you a worthy vessel that will never be defiled by worldly filth."

[genshinimpactlife]

I'll Love You No Matter What

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Arataki Itto x Grey-Ace Reader 2k

Itto is a clueless man, but even he has been able to pick up on his lover's subtle mood change over the past few weeks. You have such vibrant and fun energy, and that was something that never changed about you. But when he looked into your eyes, he couldn't help but feel your mind was occasionally somewhere else when you were with him. You would get lost in thought, and the most somber expression would cross your features. He hated seeing that look on your face, so he would always say or do something to distract you from it.

You two always talked about everything; there were no secrets between you. Itto wanted to help, but he was clueless about how to go about it. This couldn't be solved by charging right in, which he always does. He trusted you and knew he just had to be patient and wait for when you were ready.

But it was a test of his patience, especially when it seemed like you would tell him what was bothering you. You would sit him down as though you had something important to say, a nervous look crossing your features. But you would speak of trivial matters, such as what you should have for dinner or how the Arataki gang members were doing. He just went along with anything you said, like his usual carefree self, leaving you unaware of the fact that he knows.

~~~~~~~~~

"Hello, I am looking for the most beautiful girl in the world. Have you seen her around?"

Itto started laughing when you rolled your eyes at his greeting, a bright expression on his face. "Are you ready to go, Doll? It's the perfect time for a hunt and a picnic!"

Today was the day for one of your usual dates, a picnic and onikabuto hunting. Itto was clearly ready to go, standing on your porch carrying a picnic basket in one hand and a bug net in the other. He looked like an overgrown child prepared to go on an adventure with how excited he was.

"I'm Ready!" But, unlike Itto, you were more dressed for the picnic aspect of your date. You wore a beautiful yet simple baby blue sundress. It hugged each of your curves perfectly while flowing loosely on your lower half, resting an inch above your knees. It was the perfect dress to wear for lounging in the warmth of Inazuma's sun.

You had decided that today would be the day you talked to him about your sexuality. This is something that has been weighing on you for too long now, and you wouldn't be able to move forward with him until you told him. Your fear and anxiety had been holding you back all this time, and you weren't sure if you could do it.

Even with your determination to talk to him today, your mind was still racing. What if he reacted badly? Wanted to break up? You couldn't bear the thought of that happening. You know Itto is a good man under all of his shenanigans, but you couldn't help but fear the worst. It is human nature to want to protect yourself from the pain of losing a loved one, but you can only go so long without the truth coming out.

Once Itto had your confirmation that you were ready to go, he shoved the bug net into the picnic basket. With his now free hand, he grabbed yours, intertwining your fingers. "Oh right, I almost forgot!" He smiled at you before leaning down, capturing your lips in a kiss. It was short and sweet, but it conveyed his feelings for you better than words. "Can't forget your good morning kiss," He said as he pulled away, smiling down at you before the two of you left your house.

Inazuma was magnificent, and you were glad to call it your home. The scenery, the people, everything about it was peaceful, especially now that the Shogun's decree was over. You couldn't imagine living anywhere else, but as long as you had Itto, you could make anywhere your home.

Your usual date spot was only about a ten-minute walk from your house, but it was perfect for you two. It took you just outside town, where there was an abundance of trees and an overgrowth of plants. You both had the location memorized at this point, even if it was a bit off the beaten path.

There was an abnormal amount of onikabuto lurking under the plants or on trees which were perfect for Itto to hunt them. But what truly made this spot special was the view. A clearing was not far from a cliff, giving a perfect ocean view. Itto took you here for your first date just over a year ago, and you come back at least once a month now.

As you set up the picnic blanket, Itto was already looking for onikabuto in the area, mumbling to himself about needing to find the strongest one. Getting him to wait a few minutes was impossible, so the two of you set off into the woods as soon as you had everything set up for you to return to later.

You two spent the next hour exploring the woods, searching for the little bugs. No leaf nor rock was left unturned within a mile of your picnic in your search for the perfect onikabuto. He needed one bigger and stronger than his champion bug, which was surprisingly tricky. Unfortunately, most of the ones you found were too small or young to fight. But just before you were about to give up, you looked under one last wild plant leaf and found another onikabuto.

"Itto! Over here!" You called out to Itto, who had wandered off a bit into the woods. Within a minute, he was by your side, examining the onikabuto. It was the perfect one, it was bigger than any one he had ever caught, and it looked ready for a fight, as it didn't shy away from Itto scooping him up and placing him in a container.

"Doll!! You're the freaking best!" Itto immediately grabbed you in a crushing hug, lifting you right off your feet. It always shocked you when Itto did this, and you commented about being too big the first few times. He quickly shut that down, telling you to stop talking such nonsense. He spun you around in a circle like an excited child, both of you laughing as you told him to put you down so you two could go eat.

Once you were back on your own feet, the two of you headed back to your picnic setup to eat. Of course, you already knew what would be in the basket, the same food Itto always brought, sub sandwiches. Itto says it's because it's his favorite food, but you know the truth. It's because he can't cook at all, and sandwiches are the only thing he can make without causing an explosion in the kitchen.

Itto dominated most of the conversation while the two of you ate, not that you minded right now. Even with how much fun onikabuto hunting was, your plan still weighed on your mind. It was difficult for you to keep up a conversation right now, and you were already trying to come up with excuses not to tell him about your sexuality.

"And then Shinobu kicked her shoe off, getting ready to smack-"

"Itto, I need to talk to you."

Both of you seemed shocked when you suddenly interrupted him and his story. You hadn't even been listening to what he was saying, too lost in your thoughts, obsessing over the conversation you needed to have. Before you even realized it, your thoughts had come flying out of your mouth. Before you could apologize to him, he gave you a big grin, nodding his head.

"Of course, Doll? What is it?" His expression didn't match your serious one, though it was rare to see him act serious in the first place.

He didn't say anything else as you remained silent, looking down at the picnic blanket the two of you sat on. You couldn't bring yourself to look up at him until his hand reached out for yours, gently squeezing it.

"Doll, you can tell me anything." His words were so genuine and warm, and the gentle touch of his hands on yours helped give you the small burst of courage you needed.

"I haven't told you this because I've been worried about your reaction to it, but I identify as grey-ace."

After you told him, the couple seconds of silence felt like an eternity. You watched as his warm expression changed to confusion. "I don't know what that means," he said pretty matter-of-factly.

"It can be different for everyone, but I don't experience sexual attraction often, or at all, but I'm not against sex."

Itto nodded his head as he processed what you said, and a few seconds passed before he spoke again.

"Okay, cool! Right, so then Shinobu threw that thing so hard that-"

As Itto returned to telling his story, you sat there in utter surprise. All he said was okay cool? Just like that? The apparent shock was painted on your face as you stared at him dumbfounded, and he again stopped telling his story once he saw your expression.

"Are you okay Doll? is something... wait a minute... was that what has been bothering you the past few weeks?"

"You knew all this time?" Itto had never once let on to the fact he knew something was bothering you, just acting as if nothing had been wrong.

"Oh Doll," Itto reached out and wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you over until you were sitting in his lap. Then, he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close, so your back rested against his chest.

"I knew you would tell me what was bothering you eventually... I am Arataki Itto, the best boyfriend to ever exist. Why would you be so scared?"

"I thought you would want to break up... and I couldn't bear the thought of losing you."

"Of course I don't want to break up with you! You're my girlfriend, my best friend. I love you... Something like that wouldn't make me want to leave you" He couldn't believe that this was what had been plaguing your thoughts all this time, and part of him wished he had just poked and prodded and got you to say something sooner.

As you looked over your shoulder at him, he leaned down and kissed your forehead, which made you smile. The relief that washed over your body had you melting back against him.

You knew you shouldn't have doubted Itto after a year of being together, but your mind sometimes got the best of you. You two hadn't talked about sexualities before, mainly because you had been trying to avoid this topic for so long. The unknown aspect of his views had fueled your fear for too long, and it was finally over.

"Can you uh... teach me more about this?" Itto had a bit of a sheepish look as he spoke, almost like he was embarrassed. "I don't know much about grey-ace and want to know everything about you."

His request warmed your heart, and you had to hold back tears that threatened to spill over. It wasn't often that people asked or wanted to put that much effort into knowing more about your sexuality like that.

"Of course, Itto. I would love to do that."

He had his usual grin on his face as you looked back at him. You felt him pull you closer to him before he leaned down to kiss you. Something about this kiss felt different, like it was the start of a new future between you two. You felt complete at this moment and knew that Itto was the one for you.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Doll."

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Danganronpa: Elite Stars (Yandere) - Part 2

Y/N P.O.V

???: Ahhhhhh

Yeonjun: Damn, what the fuck are you screaming about Sakura

Sakura: Th-th-there is....

Wonyoung: Seriously? Is this one of your stupid little ‘method acting’ practices or whatever. Grow the hell up!

Jay: Nah don't worry girl I'm here to protect you, lemme see what’s there

Jay: AYO WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

Y/N: Huh? What’s going on in there?

As we all walk into the room there is nothing that would prepare myself for what I had just witnessed.

Sakura: a DE-DEAD BODY AHHHHHHH

Beomgyu: No this is not real, IT JUST CAN’T BE I MEAN COME ON

Aisha: WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING

Everyone began to rage into a panic not knowing what to do in this situation, there was yelling, screaming and crying. The fear in our eyes are transfixed onto the mutilated body of the young girl, that seems to be our age. After all she is wearing Elite Stars Academy yellow uniform that makes it students look like little chicks.

???: Well Well Well, new students

Aisha: Huh? who's that?

Yeosang: It’s coming from the speakers

Aisha: OH

???: Now that I have your attention, it is a pleasure to meet you all

Y/N: A pleasure there is a dead body, call help right now

???: Hmmmm, dead body? Call Help? That ain’t no dead body

Yeonjun: What kind of sick joke is this?

???: Now now children this is no sick joke, but it is in fact a test you will have to do. This right here is actually a wax doll of one of our ex students that had unfortunately passed away. Her name is Shuhua, the ultimate... well that does not even matter.....

Y/N: What do you mean it does not matter?

Yoshi: Yeah and did she really die?

???: please do not interrupt mean whilst I am talking children. Firstly her ultimate talent does not matter as she barely spoke a word at all, not only that I think her peers would also agree as they have a strong hatred for her and secondly, yes she is dead. Whoever did this must have truly hated he-

Sakura: OH MY GOD

???: WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP I AM TALKING GOD DAMMIT!!!

......

......

......

No one, nobody spoke a single word after hearing the person from the intercom shouting at us.

???: Listen to make this quick all your job is to investigate the crime scene and to figure out how she died... pretty simple right and then after that you will have class trial later. As for now, I will explain the rest when we meet in person. OH, HOW I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL.

Y/N: Did any of you lot notice that this person’s voice was very childlike

Beomgyu: Yeah, do you think it is a child

Yoshi: I highly doubt that, it could be a grown adult with a higher tone of voice. There is no way a child wouldn't be able to do such a thing

Jay: A-yo like Justin Bieber said, ‘never say never’

Y/N: Really?

Jay: Yeah, he really said that. 

Sakura: Well, I’m going to go ahead and let you lot solve

Wonyoung: You know what I’m going to come with you just in case if you need some company

Jay: Yeah me too, you two ladies need a strong man to look out for heheheh… maybe we can become real close together

The three of them all decide to leave the room and I don’t blame them, I don’t even know what is going on right now. Everything is so confusing, but one thing that I do now is there is no point in trying to fight with whoever is in charge of the nightmare bullshit, as it will only hurt us. So, we might as well do as their told.

Y/N: So where do we begin?

Felix: You know what I’m a little bit busy I have a couple of works that I wanted the ultimate producer and ultimate song writer to look at. So, I suggest the three of us all leave and look at my work. Since us three ultimates can clearly make magic. What do you say?

Soyeon: Yeah sure but I want feature in your song if I’m producing

Yoshi: Me too I want a feature as well

Felix: Well let’s go… good luck everyone. I believe in you, I have no doubt in my mind you will be able to find out what happened to Shuhua

Y/N: Well I guess that leaves nine of us to figure out the case. Does anyone else wanna drop out.

Miyeon: No, this is something that we need to solve

Heeseung: I agree, this reminds of this game I played called the ‘Nancy Drew’ chronicles I highly recommend you check these games out they are really interesting

Y/N: I’ve checked out your streams I didn’t really know you played those type of games

Heeseung: I play those games off stream, as there are some games I like to play by myself without millions of people watching me some of them leaving some nasty comments and being trolls is something I have to deal with and I rather not when it comes to some games

Aisha: I understand it’s like me with modelling, I have to get used to people commenting on my looks and body to see if I am perfect for a photoshoot or a runaway. It doesn’t help when you have lots of people trying to enter the same workforce as you. Jealously is just ugly

Yeosang: I think we can all agree to this… but let’s not get sidetracked. Aisha, Heeseung, Miyeon, Beomgyu and Gaeul, why don’t you look for some clues around this room also make sure you check the outside of the room, just to be on the safe side

Gaeul: What would you be doing?

Yeosang: I’ll be with Yeonjun, Taehyun and Y/N examining the body

Beomgyu: Let’s go we all need to solve this case

The five other ultimates search the room for clues as we walk over towards the body, well I guess wax doll to examine what has happened to her or it… I dunno. Yet the first thing that catches my eye was a name tag with only her first name ‘Jihyo’ I wonder what ultimate talent she had. Jihyo must have been a victim from this psychopath that we just heard of the intercom.

Yeosang: She seems to have been choked to death

Yeonjun: How’d you know that?

Y/N: Pretty simple actually

The boys stare at you intently.

Y/N: Her neck has rope burns, pretty obvious that the murder weapon must have been a rope and her hands are on her neck. That means she was clearly trying to protect her windpipe from being damaged. It also means the killer was significantly much stronger than her so I doubt it would have been someone small.

Yeosang: Wow your not as dumb as you look

Y/N: Excuse me

As time passes when examining the body, that voice on the intercoms returns.

???: Well time is up everyone! I hope you have figured out enough clues to know what has happened to the victim. Now head to the bottom floor and go inside the elevator. That is where you all would be able to enter the trial room.

Taehyun: Trial room?

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JULY 31, 1997 I don’t believe this fucking shit! Tom’s got yet another cold. What’s he gonna do? Get a cold every two months? How convenient, too, that he gets this when I hit mid-cycle. As if he’d rather come up with some excuse as to why he can’t screw at such a scary time for him, rather than play games. Once again, I sit here and I wonder - does he really have a cold? Or is he just acting? And how much of this is God-related?

Even if he really did want more sex, and I know he doesn’t, there’s always one thing after another and he’s always got a problem. I may have a screwy schedule, but there’s no way we could have sex regularly if we both wanted to, cuz there’s always something right there to make sure that we don’t. Is this my punishment for the letter? I mean, I just cannot depend on this man for sex. I can depend on him for food, to pick up my meds, and other things I need, but not for sex. It’d just be so much easier if we could be on our own sexually. Like I said, the sex with him is getting old, it’s too damn predictable, it can’t make a child, so if I just took care of my own damn self, I don’t have to worry about any game playing, or him or God interfering, and this can be done regularly.

Tom says he thinks it’s cuz of lack of sleep that’s brought on this cold. You can’t get a cold after only one or two days of lack of sleep. I know what it is. He’s so sure I’m fertile, that he’s scared shitless and feels that this is his only way to avoid sex. He’s also trying to spare me the grief of reality being further rubbed into my face, too, by avoiding sex now, but that much I can appreciate. All this worry over nothing, though. If he’d just quit being so stubborn and so obsessed with his games and with disagreeing with me, and see that I am truly sterile, he’d have a lot less stress hanging over him and he wouldn’t have to worry so much and make up excuses to dodge this and dodge that. There’s nothing to dodge. Therefore, I don’t know why he and God act like there is something to dodge most of the time. Every now and then God and Tom allow Tom to get off at the right time, but most of the time they both act like there is a pregnancy to avoid. Tom’s fears are totally unfounded and a part of me wishes he would get off 5 days in a row at the right time for many months, so he could see this, but he’s just too damn scared to. And he’ll never admit this, either.

I just went and looked and from what the journals say, Tom’s last two colds were in March and June. So every 1-3 months he’s gonna have a cold, huh?

Later…

For the first time in my life, I wish drugs didn’t come with the complexities they come with. I always thought that those who turned to drugs were wasting their time and only hurting themselves, cuz drugs don’t solve people’s problems. However, what about those whose problems don’t or can’t get solved even sober? Not taking drugs didn’t make me the singer I once wanted to be. It didn’t give me the woman I wanted. And it certainly won’t unsterilize me. So, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be nice to take something that’ll bring up your spirits and mood while calming your emotions. It’s not that simple, though. Where would I get the drugs? What drugs would I take? Where would I get the money? What would I do about its addiction and side effects?

Nothing’s ever that simple. There are simple facts, but never simple solutions or simple answers. My being sterile is a fact, but there’s no solution to fix that. There aren’t any sure answers as to why, either, but only theories.

Tom always says that life will go on no matter what, but it hasn’t. It has, being the fact that we’re still both alive, but it hasn’t. We get new gadgets and things like that to improve the house, the computer, the animals, things like that, but that’s where life stops. I can be with Tom for the rest of my life and get new things here and there, which is great. I can always do my hobbies, but is there anything else after this? No. Not at all. We’re gonna get this bed, but what does it mean? It means feeling a little more normal since most couples do sleep together. It means having the convenience back of being able to walk right up to the side of the bed and lay down. It means being able to have a nightstand by the bed, instead of a little shelf. But does it mean more sex and more normal sex and a child? No, of course not. No way. Nothing else will change. Life will still go on with our lives being exactly as it has been - sex in spurts, problems with sex, sterility, his job and my place in the house. The only difference is that we’ll be sleeping together. Sometimes, though, he’ll have to sleep on the couch, cuz us sleeping together means me being woken up by his snoring every night. Therefore, I’m gonna need to catch up periodically. He understands this, though.

Later…

For the last few days, I haven’t heard any car doors from next door, but I’m sure he’s still there.

Earlier I did some reading, played some computer games, listened to music and just now, I rearranged Teddy Bear’s cage again.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30, 1997 OK, now that I’ve had time enough to have fun making tile sets, I can get on with the updating.

First of all, Tom’s being the typical hypochondriac he usually is, but again, I don’t think it’s him so much as it is God. Still, he’s always got a problem - not enough sleep, something hurts, a sore throat, etc. And with this happening right before prime time (even if there is no prime time for me), it makes me wonder if he’s decided that instead of playing games with me this month, by pretending he’s all gung-ho on screwing, then pulls away, maybe he’s gonna avoid me this time around.

For the millionth time, he said again how he wants more sex. Then why doesn’t he do so? I got up last night at 8:00 when he said this. He didn’t have to leave till 12:30. So if he wants more sex, then what happened last night? Why didn’t he initiate it last night? I’m just so sick of this shit as I have been for years now and between him and the fact that sex itself is getting to be old news and nothing new and exciting, I couldn’t care less how little we screw. Or how little he gets off. He’s never complained about not getting off, it can’t make a baby, so we may as well keep the sheets clean.

Yesterday, we talked about taking almost half of our loan money for that bed we want. That’d be great. I need anything I can get to give me a sense of normality. I’d love for us to sleep together, even if his snoring will always drive me nuts and even if our sex life will always be abnormal, and even if I’ll always be sterile. It’s also nice to see this loan money going to something realistic and practical, rather than for a doctor-made miscarriage.

Speaking of babies, God’s not caring, Tom’s lack of desire and motivation and the message I heard from Linda, are really doing a good job of helping me deal with my sterility, among other things, too, of course. Andy played me a message she left and she really sounded miserable. Totally horrible and I’m sure she’s wondering why she spent 8 Gs just to make her life the hell it is. She’s tired, been going non-stop 24 hours a day since her twins were born in May, and she just has no life whatsoever.

Once again, do I really want this kind of life, too? Did God not sterilize me to curse me, even though I’ve felt that way? Did he do it out of love? Did he simply want to protect my health, my sanity, my life and my marriage?

Andy’s bad memory can really be frustrating. I showed him the little waterfall from my folks, yet last time, he asked what it was. I told him and showed him how I went about finding Shelly, but yet just the other day, he asked me how I found her. Is it the pot? Or is it that he just doesn’t care enough to pay attention to what I say?

At around 10 PM, I went to go outside to get some fresh air and there was a dead pigeon right outside the door. Tom, thankfully, put it in the dumpster. While we were out there, I heard that dog. He still says he can’t tell which house it’s at, but it seemed obvious that it is coming from next door for sure. So if he’s supposed to be better with telling where sounds are coming from (and he is), this tells me he’s just covering for them. Typical old protect-thy-neighbor thing he’s all about. He tried to tell me the other day that I’m lumping too many cars together and assuming it’s only him blasting music. He says that every Sunday morning, there’s a car that comes in (maybe to take her to church) with music going. I’ve never heard it. So right away I thought, Oh, he’s just covering and sticking up for him, just like with denying he said he saw him in that maroon car when my parents were here, so I don’t go chewing him out, and to try to ease my stress.

Well, trying to ease my stress is one thing, but there haven’t been other cars that played their music since last summer. All other times since last summer, it was him, but I haven’t heard any music since that one time I told you I had heard it at an OK volume at 5:30 PM one day.

If you ask me personally, I think they swapped in the music for the dog, but if so, then that’s great. I’ll take that over the music anytime. It can’t wake me up.

I changed Teddy Bear’s cage around again yesterday and I’ve already got new ideas for the next setup.

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 1997 The reason why I haven’t written much is that I’ve been having a field day designing my own tiles for the tiles game. I didn’t know this, but Tom pointed out to me that this comes with the program. In the paintbrush program is where you can load up a blank set, then design them. The only thing about it is that you’re limited to only 16 colors. I’ve made shapes, colors, inserted text to make a names game, drawn my own little pictures of flowers, and have airbrushed stuff, etc. It’s amazing what can be done and it’s so much fun.

I’m gonna make this a really quick entry cuz I want to go do more tile sets and other things. I’ve really been neglecting my reading and my proofreading, but oh well.

The weekend went over without a problem at all from next door, so that really eases my nerves.

Andy came over last night to go for a swim and to bring us a present. A pie, some cake and some cookies from work. They make all their desserts fresh at Coco’s, so whatever’s left over at night, goes to the employees, or else it’ll just get dumped.

For the first time since we’ve lived here, Tom began straightening up his little room, which I was shocked to wake up and see him doing, but it’s looking good so far. He also straightened out and organized where he puts all his mail and that, too, looks nicer than just strewn all over the footstool and the end table.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but Tammy said that the stuff I want for my dry, dead frizzy hair, is not called Gold. It’s called Liquid Hair. So, one of these days I’ll have to look for it.

I have a few more things to write about, but I’ll do so another time.

FRIDAY, JULY 25, 1997 She didn’t get in till around 9 PM next door and I believe he came in later. The fact that all lights went off and she went to bed at the usual time of around 10 PM and the fact that his car was there, gives me 3 theories. 1. She didn’t get the letter today. 2. She got it, laughed at it, told Mike, “It’s OK. I believe you. I know this is a joke. Let’s go to bed.” 3. That’s not Mike she’s now with and who owns that car and that also explains why there are no music problems.

I set up Teddy Bear’s cage in yet another and really cool setup. I’ve got Mary’s little cage inside the aquarium and from one side of it are all the tubes. I have them running up out of the cage and around into the kitchen and at the end of his tubes, is the purple wheel he sleeps in. Now that he’s taken to sleeping in this wheel, which is easier to clean than tubes, I don’t have to worry about having tubes set up at certain angles. The other hole in Mary’s cage hasn’t got anything attached to it, cuz that’s his way into Mary’s cage, then into the tubes.

Later…

As of today, Tom’s dad has been dead for 1 year. I told Tom that anytime he wanted to go to the cemetery, I’d go with him, of course.

So, what kind of weekend will I be in for? I wonder. Anyway, I don’t know if there’s a car there now, but I’m sure there is, and thought I heard a door earlier. I also thought I heard that dog again, but this time, even I couldn’t tell where it was coming from, yet pretty sure it was next door. There are a lot of things that point to that not being Mike that drives that car and that’s living there, but I’d still guess it is him. There are some new things here like the dog, the boxes, and the U-Haul he never used to move out before, and the quieting of the music. Although, he kind of quieted down many months ago when he’d come just to visit. In fact, I think it’s been since the end of last year or the beginning of this year since he’s stopped blasting in real loud. Well, we’ll just have to wait and see what happens and if we ever see or hear the driver of that car, meanwhile, the guilt over the letter has gone just as quickly as it came. Especially since I know she’s a bitch who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but herself and since I can see that this letter has had no apparent effect on her life. You’d think she’d either take off to someone’s house if it upset her that bad, or that this car would disappear (if it’s his), or that company would be coming in to console her, but nothing’s changed, so she knows the letter was bullshit.

Tom and also decided that next weekend, which will give us time to spruce the pool up, we’re gonna film Bunny swimming and send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos. If they accepted my dad with his bird’s head in his mouth, then maybe they’d like a swimming rabbit. I won’t say anything to any family members on my side, until and if we get a letter saying they’ll air it. Just like Dad didn’t tell me till they got their air-approval letter from America’s Most Wanted, as Larry, others and I still call it.

There was a light on next door earlier, but there isn’t one on now, so she either went out or is in bed early for a Friday night.

If she got the letter yesterday, she didn’t get in till 9 PM, as far as I know. She usually goes to bed at around 10 PM, cuz that’s usually when all the lights go off over there. So another sign that says she laughed the letter off, was how she could go to bed and actually sleep, or think she could, just one hour after getting this letter. I’d think that anyone who got this kind of a letter that believed it would be too riled up to go to bed an hour later.

Of course, there’s also always the possibility that God made sure it never got delivered.

THURSDAY, JULY 24, 1997 Tom just got up to take a couple of Rolaids cuz of an upset stomach. I hope he’ll be better and able to fall back asleep.

I talked with Andy today and told him about Shelly.

Later…

OK, now I can write.

I just went to clip Piggy’s nails before I forgot yet again.

I’m getting a little nervous as we get closer to the weekend, never knowing what to expect from next door.

Of course, I’m also thinking about that letter. There is a chance that she won’t get it till tomorrow, but I doubt that. I just hope she opened it and that he doesn’t go opening her mail. I still can’t see it breaking her heart or that she’d even believe it for a minute, let alone go and kick him out. I think she’ll laugh at it when she reads it and will know it’s bullshit.

I only heard a car door yesterday once or twice, but none so far today. I quit spying to see if there’s a car there each day. I know he lives here now.

I sit here and I wait for my punishment, which I’m sure will have something to do with either them being noisy, or with sex and my sterility being rubbed in my face and me having a hard time with that, but how do I know I wasn’t sent by God to send her this letter to punish her for something’s she’s done wrong? I very highly doubt that God went through me to get to her, even though it happens. The reason I doubt this theory, although it is something to think about, is cuz God doesn’t work that way with me and cuz I’m still sure she won’t buy a word of the letter.

Speaking of letters, the quacks at that prayer thing I called that I saw on TV did send me some bullshit literature after all. It was only about shit they were having on TV, but they got a reply back from me in their NPN they enclosed. I don’t know why there was an NPN enclosed, I didn’t care to look, but I took advantage of it by letting them know what quacks they are.

Also, US West finally updated the voice mail service and now we have those new features where we can get our messages quicker.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 23, 1997 God, what did I do to my shoulder? I must’ve strained a muscle somehow, but I’ve been taking ibuprofen to bring down the inflammation and am sure it’ll be fine soon enough.

Due to the heat and monsoon humidity, the pool is like bathwater. It’s actually kind of warm.

The Humane Society sent me 3 animal cards that say “thank you” on them. The ones with the cats and dogs went on my boring sketchbook cover and I’ll send the lamb to Mom and Dad.

When I got up Tom was on AOL researching medical stuff for Ma whose white and red blood cell counts aren’t too good and sending a message to someone with a computer question. I asked him if he was typing me a letter and he said no, but he would. So he sent me a nice and funny little message and I replied later.

Ma made it back from CA safe and sound and Mary and Dave drove in safe and sound last night, but I guess there was a little more to their plane ordeal. Mary told Mom who told Tom who told me that as soon as they took off, there was trouble. I guess they knew they had to come right back right away and they couldn’t get above 3000 feet and one of the engines caught fire. It was on the news all over the country and Bill heard about it (I told my mom and Tammy and Bill over the phone and in a letter Larry). Due to Tammy’s ex-asshole who was a pilot, we came to learn a lot about planes. And you know me, unlike most people, I love flying and am not afraid. Therefore, I’d have been like Mary who was cool, calm and collected, cuz I know that a plane can fly just fine for a while on one engine and that most problems can be dealt with safely. Meaning, most of the time, you can survive. Even most crashes are survivable. Mary said she didn’t get scared till she saw all the fire trucks and ambulances as they landed, but again, they always go out as a precautionary measure. That’s standard. Dave, though, really lost it. He was crying, leaning on Mary as they left the plane and not only will he never fly again, he’s now afraid of elevators. And also, as they were driving through the mountains to return here, he was very tense and nervous, the poor guy.

I just thank God for not killing them.

Nothing major has broken out yet next door, but boy I’ll tell you, they must’ve slammed their car doors at least 15 times a day in the last few days. That I know of, he’s only played his music once at an OK volume. There will be something breaking out, though, tomorrow. Believe it or not, I feel terribly guilty for this, but what’s done is done and the letter’s already gone out. I thought about telling Tom but then decided not to since he doesn’t need to know about it, cuz it’s not something that’ll affect his life. So, using my best judgment, I’d say it’s best to keep my mouth shut. He’d just be disappointed in me, but like I said, if it were something I did that’d affect him or us, then of course I’d have to speak up.

I know I’m in for severe punishment for what I’ve done, but I expect that and will accept it maturely. I sometimes pray to God about non-baby stuff, cuz I know there is a chance he’ll listen to anything else but cries for a baby. I told him that I knew what I did was wrong and that if he must punish me for it (even though denial of a child is punishment enough), I’ll take whatever he must dish out to me.

I sent a letter to Joely with no return address, saying that I met Mike a handful of months ago, he said he hadn’t been with anyone for a while, had no kids, we got serious, he got me pregnant with twins, etc. Then I found out through someone who saw us in a restaurant and knew him, when I went into the bathroom and ran into this person again, that he had been with her on and off, had a kid, was told where they lived, etc. I wouldn’t give my name, cuz I thought it was best not to and neither did the woman that told me all about Mike give me her name. I said I told Mike he must leave, I’ll raise the kids alone, he couldn’t see them, and that I felt she had a right to know about this, my heart went out to her, she’s a victim too, etc.

I don’t know why I bothered to do such a thing since God will make sure she believes him and that they get noisy. I should’ve known this and known better. I’m really in for it now, cuz I know she’s been with him on and off for years, so she’s not gonna toss him out for good now. No way. She’ll believe him and he’ll stay.

Later…

Just one ibuprofen when I woke up and one more 4 hours later, hasn’t done much for my shoulder. I’d like to think that this is my punishment for that letter, but I know better. I know God knows that a sore shoulder ain’t shit compared to having them bass in and party more often, but now I wonder something else. Is this really Mike driving that maroon car? He didn’t need a U-Haul to move out last fall, but I could’ve sworn that while my folks were here, Tom told me he saw he was now driving that, but last night he said he didn’t say that. Well, if Tom’s not covering for and protecting him, could this be a new boyfriend? I thought I saw some guy I’d never seen before in their backyard last weekend. If this is a new guy, which I doubt, is this why there’s been either no music or soft music? If it’s him, and if she’s ordered him not to blast it so as not to see me for fear that he’d like what he saw, then yes, this letter might get to her if she’s the jealous, paranoid type.

I thought I heard a car door there just now, but I can’t be sure cuz it was soft this time, but I wonder if I’ll hear car doors up till 10 PM like last night. This could be either in regard to me, more company cuz of him, or the asshole keeps getting things from his car, but who knows? Earlier, I did see the security door wide open again, like maybe Mikey, or whoever, was moving more shit in.

I also haven’t heard one bark from over there since the two times I last did and since the one time Tom thought he did.

I’m still pretty sure that that’s him driving that car and living there now and that that letter may cause a reaction out of her, but it won’t get him kicked out.

I also am still sure that I’ll be in for a hell of a punishment, as we all know I’m not one of those rewarded for wrongdoings by God. It’ll be much much more than a sore shoulder, too, but I asked for it. I must take it and deal with it.

Next, I have an update on Shelly, but let me go down two ibuprofen first.

Later…

Last night Shelly came into my mind and this whole thing of not hearing from her nagged me. I thought once again about Tom and my initial theory that I reminded her of a bad time in her life, but something was off about that. Shelly just seemed too strong for that to be such a problem with her and knowing how she has never had a problem with speaking her mind, it seemed she would’ve told me if she had a problem with me contacting her up front. Then I started to feel that maybe something was wrong. I couldn’t resist settling my curiosity any longer, so I called. I began by telling her that I understood if it was a case of my representing a bad time in her life, bringing back bad memories and opening old wounds. I just wanted to thank her for looking out for me back then and was glad to know we were both the happiest we’ve ever been in our lives and this is true for me, even if Tom and I have a strange sex life and even if I can never have a kid.

Yeah well, something was wrong, all right. She is not happy. Far from it. Her typical male of a husband has been cheating on her and she’s probably going to be going through a messy divorce and is scared, depressed, confused, hurt, angry, frustrated and is going through all those emotions, feelings and beliefs right now that I only know so very well.

Later…

God, I’m sick of these sales calls! I’m tired of getting up to see the box say it’s just some asshole salespeople that hound us every day and that just don’t give up, so if the phone rings again - fuck it.

Anyway, Shelly said she didn’t call cuz she not only had nothing but bad news but cuz of her emotional state and that it had nothing to do with me.

She said she’d love to get away just for a weekend and come see me, but it doesn’t look like she’ll be able to afford it till she figures out what she’s doing from here. She made it sound like she’s gonna be leaving him, cuz she knows the statistics on cheating and that once a cheater always a cheater. Yes, it’s just like with rapists and molesters. She said she didn’t think this would happen and was so sure she found the perfect guy and that this wasn’t the first time he’d cheated. She said it started when she was pregnant with her second kid which she had with him, then again after it was born. Another case of a marriage falling apart due to pregnancy and having a kid, not that it’s her fault at all. As much as I’d still have a kid if I could, perhaps my sterility really is more of a protection thing than a curse. Anyway, she said he was also in jail for attempted rape and that she’s getting ripped off as far as their stuff goes since she trusted him and had most everything in his name. She says she may have to move into an apartment. Also, her mother is siding with him and her brother has crashed at their place cuz he just left the woman he was with for 4 years.

Her kids are taking it hard, naturally, and she says she doesn’t know how she’s gonna start over. She says she knows she can go it alone, but feels that at 31 she’s lost everything, all her hopes and dreams and that she’s got to start all over again from God knows where.

They just decided to start slamming car doors so I lost my train of thought. Now, where was I? I guess I could say that I’m very sorry for her and to see that this great life she seemed to have gotten has fallen apart on her. My heart really goes out to her, but at least I know now what’s been happening and am no longer wondering.

I told her to never hesitate to call me anytime, no matter what news she has, and I’ll listen to her and help in any way I can and that I know all the emotions she’s going through. I reminded her that I’ve had plenty of times where I was trapped and things looked hopeless and how they do now, as far as a baby goes. I reminded her that I can never have that and that sometimes that’s very hard to deal with, so I know all about hopeless dreams.

She’s got a restraining order on him now, is back in counseling, and I guess she’s gonna be in court a lot. She feels like she has no family support and that he’s pinning it all on her and won’t come clean and own up to his own faults.

She said she got the pictures and said I looked just how she pictured I’d look. I told her I’d back off and give her space from the phone and from letters if she’d like, but she said it was OK to call her and that she needed stuff through the mail and to write jokes and funny stuff to make her laugh. Oh, I sure did that, alright. She should be getting a wonderful letter from me on Saturday.

I even got her to laugh a few times when I told her some jokes and she said she wanted all the dirty and funny jokes I could send her, so I’ll send her a few in each letter. I also told her about the calls Andy and I used to make and about the tapes and how I could play her some over the phone sometime, or mail her some.

We even had our funny argument about how many floors those assholes had that we lived with. I’m still sure it was 3 floors.

I’m also sure that there’s more to our conversation that I’ll remember over time and when I do, I’ll jot it down.

TUESDAY, JULY 22, 1997 Yesterday I had the most cramps and the most flow I’ve had in years. I had to take 4 ibuprofen. Yes, 4 of them and I was still flowing and still had some cramps. Without the ibuprofen, though, which did make it 90% better, it’d probably have been as bad as it was when I was a teenager.

Was this period so bad cuz I had prayed harder than ever for nearly two months for the child I could never have? It seems the more I pray, the more of a period I have. As if something’s trying to reinforce what’s meant to be.

Yesterday Tammy called wanting to know if I got carpet in the mail using Bill’s name. Now why would I do that? Well, I hope they figure out what it’s about.

I just went on AOL to delete my 20 pieces of junk mail and now all that’s left to update on is just that Ma safely returned home yesterday, Mary and Dave will probably be arriving tonight in their rental car, and now I’ll discuss next door.

Yes, he’s definitely moved back in and that explains the U-Haul and boxes. As usual, he seems to come and go about 3 times a day. I think he has a job where he can go home for lunch.

Anyway, I had hopes that they didn’t ever want to see my face again (and the only times they did was when I’d bitch about their music), so they’d feel it was well worth it to keep things quiet, but I’ve got a bad feeling about the whole thing. Tom says they’re not plotting against me and I’ve got nothing to worry about. I know they’re not necessarily plotting against me, but these people don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves and I know it’s just a matter of time.

So far, whenever they’d leave, they’d do so quietly, but yesterday he came in at 5:30 and I could hear the music. It was at a reasonable volume, don’t get me wrong, but he’s testing me. Just like before, they’d be quiet for a while after I’d bitch about it, but after time, the music would slowly escalate in volume. So, I know that it’s just a matter of time before it’ll be like it was last spring and summer where he comes blasting in real loud a few times a day and I am not gonna return to the old days. It’s just a matter of time before I’ll be forced to forever end this problem and it will be a problem again. I just know it. After all these months I’ve got this stress thrown right back on me (as if dealing with never having a child isn’t enough), and now I’m never gonna know what I’m in for each weekend. There will be more cars pulling in and out of there, sporting events will be chaos over there and they partied last Labor Day, so I’m sure they will again this year.

He left quietly not too long after he pulled in at 5:30 with the music at an OK volume and when I went to bed at midnight, there was no car there. He must’ve come in later, then left this morning, then returned at around lunchtime, cuz his car was there when I checked shortly after noon, then he quietly left a few minutes ago. If he’s got a set schedule, then he’ll be back just after 5:00 and I can’t wait to hear how he’ll make his entrance.

Yeah well, Mike, just as soon as you come in at your old volume that fucking rocks this house, you’ll see me for the last time.

Even though I will put a permanent end to this (then God will go do something else), I’m gonna miss those days of them being out of sight and out of mind for weeks at a time. They say, though, that once broken up, always broken up, so he’s bound to be thrown out again. That may take 6 months at the least, but I don’t see why that shouldn’t happen sooner or later.

MONDAY, JULY 21, 1997 Well, both yesterday and today sure have been depressing. Let me give you my weird news first. I always believed that if there could be life as smart as your average human, or maybe even smarter on this planet, why not other planets? Others far away from this galaxy, I mean. Well, last night I saw the weirdest thing in the sky, even though it turned out that there was a perfectly logical explanation for it. I went out just after midnight and if you picture headlights shining through a deep fog - that’s what I saw. The only thing about it is, is that there were 4 lights. They’d circle a little wider than the house, then join together in the center. These 4 beams of light kept doing that over and over as I stood there thinking, what the hell? I noticed that it appeared to be coming from above the clouds and that the beams of light weren’t stemming from the ground.

I was completely mystified and called 911. I told the woman who answered that it wasn’t an emergency and told her what I saw. She said she could see it, too (so it was wider than it appeared to be) and that she’s been getting lots of calls about it, doesn’t know what it is, and was waiting for a response from the Air Force or some military outfit. She gave me the number of the Phoenix aviation people to see if I could find out from them, but they were closed.

I went back outside and saw a helicopter fly nearby, then called her back later to see if the source of it was known yet. It turned out that the lights were coming from Sky Harbor due to the bad weather we’ve been having. It drizzled on and off yesterday and we sure did have a lot of nasty clouds and humidity.

Anyway, Tom said something to me that makes no sense at all and I forgot to mention it yesterday. You know how I said that he thinks us going to a doctor now would ruin our marriage cuz of our opposing views and bickering? Well, he thinks that after not getting pregnant from this normal sex he says we’re gonna have, that the risks would be decreased, but that there’d still be risks. Well, I’d think that having a child would be most risky to a marriage, not going to a doctor for help on making one. Once again, if you ask me, it’s just another excuse to cover for his fears and for his not wanting a child and yes, I’m 100% sure we’ll never see a doctor. I told Tom that in my belief, if two people love each other, nothing should jeopardize that love, but since that’s just pure fantasy and if he’s gonna be feeling the slightest threat to his sanity, happiness or our marriage about seeing a doctor at any point in our lives, then I don’t want any part of it. Even if it didn’t hurt our relationship, it sure as hell ain’t gonna give us what we want, either.

So, the bottom line is the same and I told him how it is and how it’ll be - I cannot have a child and I just want to try to forget the words child and doctor and just move on, even if there’s nothing to move on to. That’s all I can do. That’s the only choice God’s given me. All else is his and not in my hands.

As far as next door goes, he slept there last night, and if he returns to sleep there again tonight, then yes, he’s definitely moved back in.

SUNDAY, JULY 20, 1997 This morning, a whole 3 days early, I got the period that I absolutely should not have gotten. Hey, what did I expect? A miracle? It was just about right on the money too, as far as it being 14 days since he laid his last big load in me. I’m just as sterile as can be, but does my husband see and believe it yet? No. Of course not. Even he admitted that he didn’t know if he’d ever see what I see. I’m sure he won’t. Not that it’d do me any good and not that one can fight fate, but I asked him if he thought I was a cop-out for not going to a doctor and he said no. Of course he doesn’t think that. He doesn’t really want a child to begin with. Never has, never will. That’s why he doesn’t see what I see. He doesn’t want to see it cuz he doesn’t want to try fixing it (even though we can’t fix it), so that’s why he’s in a fine mood and everything’s all well and good and just about perfect, as far as he’s concerned. Things are going his way and God’s way, alright. He says it’s not that he doesn’t believe that I believe I’m sterile. He says it’s just that in his opinion and in his belief - I’m fine. Yeah, so fine that this is about the 6th period I should not have gotten. Then again, maybe I am fine. God can do anything. Therefore, he wouldn’t need to sterilize me to keep me from conceiving.

Later…

I’m so frustrated and mad right now! Tom left for Mary’s. He told me to call there if I needed anything. I needed to talk, so I called him and then what does he do? He gets on my case about it and says he needs to get things done and now’s not the time to talk. All he went over there to do was to fill their pool, feed the hamsters and play on their computer.

I’m not only right about my sterility, I’m still right about the fact that he doesn’t want to deal with it and that he just doesn’t want a kid.

I called to tell him that I know a doctor can’t fix me, but that I thought it’d help if we at least got tested so he could see what I see. I want him to know what I know - that I’m sterile. I thought that maybe that’d at least help, even though fate can’t be changed. But then he said that that’s giving up what he wants and that that’d affect our relationship. What about me? I don’t get to have what I want. Only he gets to have what he wants. And how would it affect our relationship? Cuz he wouldn’t want to deal with me crying over a confirmed reality and belief? Is that it?! So, to hell what I want, right? Only what he wants matters, huh? Then why’d he say that if I really felt that I needed and wanted to see a doctor, that that’d be OK? When is he ever gonna want to see a doctor or believe me and deal with what a doctor would tell us? Never. He’s never gonna want that and therefore, this man is truly full of shit when he says he wants a child. OK, fine. If it’ll make him happy, I’ll just run around saying I’m OK and that we don’t need a doctor. Then, when I hit menopause, he can keep saying that I was OK and that we didn’t need a doctor - we just never hit it right.

Later…

Tom got in a while ago and we talked and it didn’t really get us anywhere. I’ve got to stop this talking to him, I mean really. All it does is make things worse and 9 out of 10 times he just can’t deal with it and it just starts fights. So for once and for all, I’ve got to just know what I know and shut up. Talking about it won’t change fate.

He had said it was OK to express my feelings, but he doesn’t like it when I get angry at him.

But sometimes the things we need to express are things that others do that make us angry.

He then said that that’s not what he said. It’s when I get angry at his opinions that he doesn’t like. I’m not angry with him for his opinions, just frustrated. It’s the insensitivity coming from him that angers me. And the way he makes me feel like all that matters is what he wants when it comes to sex/kid. To hell with what I want.

And then I felt hurt even more after telling him that I’m just reacting the way a woman would in my shoes and he goes and tells me I was behaving badly and it wasn’t normal for me to be emotional and unstable about it. Yeah, well, let him come back as a sterile woman in his next life and we’ll see if he says that then. If this is how he feels, though, then why did he agree my feelings and actions were normal about a month ago? He had told me he understood and that this was normal then, so why not now?

Then I got more insensitivity from him when he said he was trying to prevent this from happening every other day and that whenever he makes progress (he was very productive over the weekend and did the yard, etc.), I pull him back, and then he went on about how he’s trying to get our finances set. How did I pull him back? My talking with him didn’t undo the yard or other things he’s done and I didn’t fuck him out of any money. He wasn’t working today.

He’ll never understand me. No man could ever understand me and neither could most women. Most women can have kids, so the only people who could understand me would be other women who are infertile, too.

He says that the reason he’s afraid that going to a doctor now would ruin our marriage is cuz of how we disagree and would answer questions differently and would bicker. Why couldn’t we just say what we felt, even if it was the opposite of what the other felt, not bicker and then just take it from there? Well, he still says that once our sex life is normal, then after a period of time in which I’m still not pregnant, then we’ll go to a doctor. But when will it ever be normal? He still implies that it’s cuz of me and says that once he gets me to work through my emotions and stabilizes me, then we can have a normal sex life. Oh, so it’s me, huh? Well, I reminded him that he told me I couldn’t control his dick and therefore, that it was him that’s caused us to not have a normal sex life. I’ve never done anything to stop him from cumming more often. All I can do is lay there and spread my legs, but the rest is up to him. I never expected him to cum all the time, but 9 times in 7 months is way too little (not that I need any more proof of my sterility). So, I told him God decides whether or not we have a kid, and even though I know the answer to that decision - you decide whether or not to cum more. Not me. Not anyone else but him. He said OK and I don’t know if this was an admission that yes, he has been stalling for time or what.

Until and if I ever see differently, and even though nothing and no one can ever grant us our wish for a child, this man is controlling the amount that he cums and he doesn’t want a kid that bad and he doesn’t want to deal with proving me right about my sterility. When it comes to sex/child, everything’s up to him and God. Not me. I have no say at all and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

I asked him how I could know that if he did decide to cum more often, then in a year or so from now when he saw I still wasn’t pregnant, he wouldn’t bail out and make excuses as far as seeing a doctor goes and even he said I couldn’t know. No one can know what the future holds. Well, I do know as far as a kid goes. I know that he and God will see to it that I never have one.

Later…

After talking some more, we went into the pool. This year, there have been fewer bees that I’ve seen, and more drowned. It’s weird, but nice for a change. While we were out there, I told him I’d be patient while he made his decision (to cum more or not) and he said there was no decision to make. Oh, so here we go back into denial again, while he implies that he’s not blaming me, but that the reason we haven’t had a normal sex life yet is cuz of me and my emotions and the way I behave. But he’ll get me through it and all will be normal. Right! Then he said he didn’t want to fight anymore. I wasn’t trying to fight with him. Why is it that every time I go to talk about my feelings and beliefs, he always thinks it’s got to be a fight? There’s just no talking to this guy. He takes everything too personally, turns it around on me, and doesn’t tell me the truth. He’s only truthful when it comes to anything that’s not related to sex or a kid. All I know are two things. I’ve got to stop talking to him, and we’ll never have a kid.

Mary and Dave had themselves quite a scare this morning when they took off from Syracuse. They were to layover in Detroit. They made it there OK, but when they went to take off for here, they had to return due to engine trouble. Meanwhile, Dave’s always been terrified of flying and he refuses to get on any plane ever again, so they rented a car and are driving back.

Next door were perfect angels over the weekend, but I sure did hear a lot of car doors on and off these last two days. They had at least 3 different cars there and I’m still not sure if he’s moved back in. Only sure that she’s not moving out. If he’s there tomorrow, and especially Tuesday then yes, he’s moved back in and that’d explain all the boxes Tom said he saw them put out by the dumpster. Unless she got a roommate.

As for the dog, the next day I heard 3 little barks and Tom said they could have a small dog there, but cuz the houses are so close, it could’ve been where those two dogs are. I’m pretty sure it was next door and not where those two dogs are cuz they’d eat the little thing alive. Other than that, I haven’t heard it, so maybe it was visiting. However, it won’t be a problem.

I’ll check for any cars over there around midnight-1 AM and hopefully there won’t be, cuz like I said, if there were any, that’d mean he lives here again and it’d just be a matter of time before the music starts and God knows what else, too.

SATURDAY, JULY 19, 1997 Early this morning, we got our first real rain in several months. It’s cooled things off significantly which is great, cuz yesterday was really hot and the dew point was up big time due to the oncoming monsoons. So, yesterday was when we took down the shower curtains and switched to the AC and with good timing, too, seeing that it’s cooler, but muggy out and it will be muggy till mid-September. At least this year, we were able to get through till late July without having to switch to the AC, which as you know, is way more expensive than an EC. Last year, though, we didn’t start off with a mild summer and we had to switch in June.

Things are going well with us and we had fun earlier. We started with him on top with no problem. I’m still hanging in at 104 pounds and am having a good PMS mentally, but physically, my tits are sore. I’m surprised, though, that I’m not bloated or seriously watery. I wish I knew what suddenly caused my tits to get so sore when the vitamin E seemed to be helping so well. Tom suggested that maybe it’s the calcium pills I began taking. I doubt that, but I’ll live and have only got about 4 days until my period. Then, I’ll start the vitamin E earlier in my cycle and I’ll really watch the caffeine intake.

Now I have an update on next door. Last night, after Tom went to bed, I came to my conclusion of what was going on over there, but this morning Tom told me his version and maybe he’s right. Just before 8:00 last night, I saw his car in the carport and then saw his old Jeep (he must’ve given it to someone he knows) parked in the driveway and also a big white car parked there. I couldn’t believe I didn’t hear these cars bass in, but I did hear car doors. Then just after 8:00, the Jeep and white car left. Not one note of music. All I heard were voices for a few minutes.

Then I peeked out back (I can only see a little bit of their backyard) and noticed a fairly big box that was open and something that I thought at the time was to be used to make a gate.

Then at around 9:00, I could’ve sworn I heard a dog over there out back. However, it was a dog with a measly little bark, that I could tell wasn’t the type to bark much and that I knew wouldn’t be a problem, since dogs out here aren’t only let out to pee and for a few hours on and off. They live outside.

Then I put two and two together and figured it out. The cars…first time in about a year there have been that many cars. Well, she wasn’t the one who ever had that much company. It was him they came to see and that had to be when the dog was dropped off (they must’ve had it leashed down somehow). His increased visits - for the last several months, his pattern was to visit about once every 2-3 weeks. Suddenly, he’s here last weekend, then two or so weekdays, and then again this weekend. The U-Haul - why rent a U-Haul to move and still be here a few days later? Cuz he’s moved back in and he obviously had gotten something from where he’s been staying that was too big to move in his car. The box - well, it was open, not closed with something packed in it and why would you pack a box to move and put it outside? It was an empty box that had contained the stuff he moved in with and the box was waiting to go out to the dumpster. The dog - why would you get a dog and then move?

The last time they had two cars visiting them, they all blasted in and out and so I had a thought - maybe they decided to stop the music, but then get a dog in regard to me, hoping and figuring it’d bother me. Well, I hate to disappoint them, but they’ll never hear a complaint from me with a dog with this kind of bark and I wish to hell the two dogs had this kind of bark.

Tom’s belief is this - well, he said that that thing was an old box spring or mattress and not something to make a gate with. He also said that there was no sign of a dog over there in their yard when he went on the roof to make sure things were working right up there. Well, maybe they actually took the thing inside, which would be a major shock to know that someone out here would even consider allowing a dog in their house, but I could’ve sworn it was coming from their yard. He thinks the U-Haul was to bring in a new bed for her and that he just helped her with that and is only visiting. If he is visiting, and if there really is a dog over there, then maybe it’s his dog and he brings it over when he visits.

I don’t know for sure, but I am sure that they’re not moving. My honest guess is that OK, she got a new bed, but he’s been here too much lately to not have moved back in and two cars of people coming to visit is his thing and not hers, so I think he’s moved back in. I’m sure he cheated on her and that’s what got him kicked out last fall and that within a handful of months, he’ll get booted again for another handful of months.

I realized something else, too, not that I didn’t know it deep down. Well, you know how they refer to God as He and Him and all that? They refer to him as a man and yes, he really is truly a man, and how I know this is cuz no female God could give females such raw deals and so many more problems in life than men get. Any God that could be cruel and heartless and insensitive enough to sterilize a woman has got to be a male. How could any God do that to a woman if he wasn’t a male, huh? No female God would have such a thing as sterility or miscarriages and go and get a woman all psyched up by having her find out she’s pregnant, then maliciously take it away and crush her heart as if it were an old used-up piece of paper.

FRIDAY, JULY 18, 1997 Well, this is weird, but they left their U-Haul parked next door all day yesterday. Tom thought it odd that they’d do that too, cuz usually, you rent it and use it to move whatever, then bring it back. However, sometime in the late afternoon, it was gone. I didn’t hear it leave, but early in the evening right before I was falling asleep, I thought I heard some car doors over there and just now, too. All day yesterday and as of today so far, too, there’s been no car there and I don’t really know now if they really are moving.

Andy left his work pants on the door last night for me to sew on a new button and I did that when I got up.

I also put up a couple of old shower curtains across the archway separating the back room from the rest of the house. This will hopefully act as a good tarp so we can close the back room vent, now that it’s so hot out, and use the EC for all the other rooms, but use the wall AC for the back room.

Tom asked me to wake him up at 8:00 last night so he could see me before work. When he says it that way, that’s usually saying so we can screw before he leaves for work. However, I had been up 16 hours by then and was just too beat, so I crashed. Before, though, he said something about not yelling at him tomorrow (which is now today). I intended to ask him what that meant, but the first thing that popped into my head was - don’t yell at me if I tease you and play sex games by deliberately botching things up, cuz you were too tired last night. Why, though? This man can live without sex just fine. I mean again, he’s not your typical male and whenever something’s come up that’s prevented us from getting together, there’s never seemed to be any hard feelings on his part, but I’ll find out for sure what he meant by what he said.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he botched things up at a time when it’s not possible for a woman to conceive, to try to throw me off of my belief that he’s afraid to have a kid and that he just doesn’t really want one that much.

Another thing is, Tom said next door doesn’t hate whites, cuz he saw her gabbing with both kids and adults at the house next to them on the other side with those lovely dogs. Oh, so it is personal, then? Something about me, huh? I’m sure that I came up in their discussion, too. I’m sure that one of them mentioned surrounding neighbors and that she let them know all about me and how I’d bitch at their music, but oh well.

THURSDAY, JULY 17, 1997 When we came back from Mary and Dave’s yesterday, I saw that their security door next door was wide open as if maybe they were moving something large, then I noticed his car deep in the carport. At least I think it was his car. When I saw this at 11:30 in the morning, I realized with dismay that this could mean he was moving back in. And also, that he had to have been there overnight, and for him to be there two weeknights in a row, well, it hasn’t been his usual pattern for quite some time.

Later in the afternoon, I peeked through the blinds in the back room’s alcove and saw him walking from the carport to the backyard. Then later I heard metal sounds scraping. Tom heard it too, when he got up in the early evening and he went out back and saw a U-Haul.

Tom thinks someone’s moving out and that it’s got to be her, since we never saw or heard him move furniture out last fall and there certainly wasn’t a U-Haul then, either. Not that this doesn’t mean they didn’t buy a couch and a loveseat, or some huge thing, but this is the same U-Haul I saw there right before and around the time they moved in. Our theory at the time we saw the U-Haul in early ‘96 was that the driver noticed the place was vacant and used it just to park there to take breaks, but that makes no sense, so if that U-Haul wasn’t freeloader-connected, who knows what it was really doing there?

Well, from what I can see, the grill they had over there, as well as this little metal chair, is gone, but if she’s moving, then why isn’t there a For Sale or For Rent sign?

Anyway, I got up at 4 AM and saw the U-Haul still there. His car is gone, though. I guess that since she obviously doesn’t drive, he drove his car to the U-Haul lot, left his car there, and then drove the U-Haul here.

I just called and left Andy a message, telling him that if they are moving, then I want to sabotage the fuck out of that basketball hoop whenever the hell that place is noticeably vacant. I told him that they’re not home most of the time and that the mini lock that wouldn’t quite lock the thick metal net, has deterred the neighborhood kids, but if it’s there (and I’m not sure it still is) when the new kids get here, all they have to do is have mommy or daddy untangle it. If I had a lock big enough to lock it, it’d take metal cutters to get it off and hopefully no one would want to bother. So, I told Andy I didn’t know where my locks were and that if I asked Tom for them, he’d know what I was up to, and get all paranoid. You know my husband’s far from a prankster or anyone who’d destroy property that wasn’t his own. So, I asked Andy if he could please buy me a lock and forget about buying me anything for my birthday. We’ll see what he has to say about it, but he knows to keep it between us. Yes, Tom would still love me and he could live with knowing if I locked up the hoop, but why tell him and disappoint him and worry him? What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Anyway, if they are moving, I certainly have mixed emotions about it. I mean, hopefully, and I repeat, hopefully, I would no longer have to worry about the potential of someone basing in since more people have kids and dogs, but there’s no way - no way - I’m gonna luck out again on that one. If new bass blasters don’t move in, I’ll get a pack of Mormons with lots of screaming kids and a dog or two barking like hell. Although, after the M’s dog settled in, it wasn’t too bad. No dog is as bad as the two on the other side of them and I wish to hell they’d move, but fat chance. If they’ve been here since we’ve been here, then they aren’t going anywhere. Not for a long long time. I’d think that if they moved, it’d be around or after we moved and each year we’re here, it seems further away till when we move. I used to think we’d be here till just after the turn of the century, but I doubt that. I think we’ve got another 8-15 years or so here, so it’s too bad dogs usually live 15-17 years. However, if these dogs croaked right now, they’d just replace them with the same kinds of dogs that almost never shut up. All people out here want to do is store their dogs out in their yards all year round like old furniture, but these two dogs are obviously guard dogs, trained to bark at the slightest noise. If they could hear a pin drop in this house, that’d set them off. These aren’t just backyard pets and if someone scaled their fence, I guarantee you those dogs would rip their throats out.

Anyway, it fits. If they’re moving, the timing fits. I swear, no one has lived next door for more than two years and I’m sure we’ll have several different people there while we’re still here. It’ll probably turn over 5-7 more times while we’re here.

Oddly enough, after the M’s split the gate that divides the backyard and carport was taken down. You’d hope that that’d deter people coming in with dogs since most people do have dogs, but I don’t know about that. All they’d have to do is leash it down or put up a gate, cuz if you think the dog would ever step foot inside that house, think again. Dogs live outside here. The new people, if there really are gonna be new people, will take the dog(s) straight to the backyard, tie it to that tree back there, and then probably put up a gate. Meanwhile, the kids will live outdoors too, and will only be gone from the yards during school hours and at night while they’re asleep. And that’s only if they’re even old enough for school and aren’t being taught at home.

Yeah well, I can promise you this - if the new people come blasting in here, or if they bring in a couple of guard dogs and 5 screaming kids that live outdoors - I will not tolerate it. I’ll set them straight just as fast as I’d set Mike straight if he were to return to his days of blasting in and out of here regularly. The more I think about why he’s shut up since late last year or so, the more I agree with Andy. I didn’t do shit to that woman over there, yet from the moment I first saw her, she’s always seemed to hate my guts, so yes, it’s probably cuz of how I look and she probably told him to shut up, for fear of him getting the wrong idea about me when he sees me as I go out to tell him to shut up. All guys are sluts and so many ugly women get paranoid about their guys seeing or being exposed in any way to better-looking women that are either neighbors, coworkers, etc.

I remember a few months after they came here, I was out by the pool and she was talking to someone in her driveway in front (that’s how loud this bitch talks), and she was saying something like, “Not my baby!” in a tone and way that suggested she was worried about her man eyeing something that he might consider a great source of eye candy and even more. Like I’d even be interested, single or not - right! I meant it when I said I’d kill myself if anything happened to Tom. And if I were dumb enough not to, well, I wouldn’t return to my days of trying to seek one-niters with women, cuz I learned long ago that that was never meant to be, but there’d never be another guy, either. I’d live and die alone if I didn’t die first.

If she’s moving, the reason why there may be no sign up is that she may have called her landlord (I still think they rented) and said she wanted to move and knew people to take the place over. God, I hope not! This black bitch obviously hates whites, so if that’s the case, then I’d have new freeloaders over there to deal with and I’m sure she’d let them know just how much I hate bass and other people’s noise, too.

Once again, I do not hate blacks. I don’t hate any specific kind of person and I know there’s good and bad in all kinds, it’s just that these particular ones happen to be rude assholes. I’ve known some good black people, but it still does seem that so many of them are either lazy, into crime, or religious fanatics. I often wonder if blacks don’t hide behind religion to cover for their crimes, but who knows? I try not to judge others too much, but we all have our human nature that we tend to follow and in my journal, I can say anything I want. People normally say things in their journals that they don’t usually say in their everyday lives.

If you ask me, though, I’d say that since they’ve been quiet over there 99% of the time since last October, I wish they’d stay. Like I said, though, God will only let me have things peaceful, no matter where I lived, only for so long. He’s obviously decided I’ve had enough peace and quiet and that it’s time to move on and back into dealing with and stressing over noisy neighbors.

I’d still like to not only ring the asshole’s necks that created such a fierce bass to newer stereos, but I’d like to kick ass on those that decided to build these houses just 3 measly fucking feet apart, too. When they get to opening and closing their car doors, it sounds like it’s connected to this house. Like someone slammed something up against the house. If I had never been here before, then was taken here blindfolded and put into the bedroom, then freed of the blindfold, then they opened and closed their car doors, know what I’d think? I’d think that I was in an apt. and that behind the bedroom wall was the neighbor’s kitchen and that they were going in and out of their cabinets.

OK, now my pork chops are ready, so I’ll be back soon.

Later…

OK, I ate my pork chops and saved some for Tom too, for when he gets in.

Other than the fact that I could go on and on about next door and neighbors forever, I don’t have much else to say. Just that we went to feed the hamsters yesterday and oh my God! What a pigsty that place is. Totally trashed, all in the Shower’s way and tradition. The only good thing that Tom’s great parents didn’t teach their kids was neatness and organization. They definitely get this from their folks, since Tom’s place at Crystal Creek and before I fixed up things here, Mary’s place and Ma’s place, all look the same.

It’s too bad Teddy Bear is only up 6 hours a day. It’s really weird but true. He gets up around 6 PM, then not too long after midnight, he’s out cold. He gets up periodically to get drinks and have a bite to eat, but that’s about it.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 1997 Kim sent me a quick note yesterday to tell me she got her car fixed and about $1,900 for damages due to the cement dumping. She also sent some jokes and some of them are pretty funny. I guess some friend of hers at work gave her a copy, then she made copies and sent them off. I don’t know if she’d send Bob copies, so since I’ve got them typed up, I’ll send the originals to Bob. I sent copies to Tammy, Larry and my folks and printed out a copy that’d fit into journal 98 where I have jokes written. I’ll have a copy of them in this journal’s typed version, too.

I forgot to mention that when Andy was here, he noticed the weight loss too, right away. Even though it’s only a few pounds, that’s the advantage of being short. It shows when you lose just a few pounds, but I’d still like to drop below 104.

Sometime this morning, we’ll be going to feed the hamsters, but not to get markers, since Tom picked me up some nice ones yesterday. I drew up one of my desert labels in my sketchbook already.

Yesterday was a sucky day, but finally, it was in a better kind of way, rather than either us fighting, us having some pretty fucked up sex or me being upset over God’s hatred for me and for denying me a child. Well, it was deathly hot at about 112º. This idiot here went and made a baked potato at around 11 AM and that didn’t help the situation. It was near 80º in here for hours as it was too late to cool it down further in here for the worst of the afternoon. I couldn’t even go in the pool, either, to cool off cuz it was as green as the grass. I had to wash myself down with a cool, damp washcloth. Yesterday, though, Tom put algaecide in it and shocked it, and threw in some chlorine, so after I get back from taking care of the hamsters, it’ll be a great time to swim. It’ll be just about at the hottest part of the day and the bees should be keeping cool in their hives and not out to bother me.

I spoke to my parents yesterday and was glad to hear that Larry and everyone went to the Cape. They need a break.

Also, Max, their dog, tore a tendon in his leg and had surgery but is recovering well.

TUESDAY, JULY 15, 1997 I'm currently in a semi-bummed-out mood right now. As usual, it's all about the baby I'll never have. Am I ever going to be free of this? All I know is that I'm really gonna feel like life is one big sentence if I don't get over these feelings. The thought of spending decades feeling this child missing from my life is both saddening and scary.

I got a letter from Bob yesterday. He says that if God really loves me like the bible says, he will let me get pregnant, but there is no God that loves me. Absolutely no loving God up there for me and you know what I think of most of the bible - hogwash! Filled with tall tales that no one can prove.

MONDAY, JULY 14, 1997 When Tom got up yesterday, he said he was ready for a new beginning, and of course I’m thinking to myself - Yeah, for a whole two weeks. Maybe even a month if we’re lucky.

Anyway, I figured we could have sex yesterday morning, but I just couldn’t get into the idea. I’m still too nervous about it and I told him that I wasn’t quite ready and needed another day or so. He said that that was no problem and of course, he seemed the least bit bummed out about it and if he wasn’t, then he’s really a truly damn good actor.

In my mind, it still comes down to the same thing - what’s a fantasy of mine, and what’s the reality here. We cannot have the normal, full-time, happy, mutual sex that results in a child. We can only have full-time sex on a part-time basis, with him only cumming every two weeks, and with him playing games once or twice a month that he denies playing, and certainly with no child resulting.

I’m just sick of this roller coaster. I want this cycle broken. I cannot buy his so-called desire for a “new beginning.” I cannot believe that things will change in bed, whether I scream and shout about it, or keep quiet. I cannot believe that he and God are not responsible for this. I cannot believe that he desires the same kind of sex as much as I do. I cannot believe that he desires a child as much as I do.

I feel trapped and full of mixed emotions. He said that as long as I don’t call him names, he’ll always love me. But if I deny him sex, I know he’ll initiate other problems or they’ll just happen on their own or by God. Things would be OK for a while, but in time, I would think that he’d make me feel guilty about it, or I would on my own. I really believe that his way of sex means as much to him as the kind of sex I wish we could have means to me. If I take away his source of games, it’ll make him unhappy. So all I can do is try to tell myself that in 2-4 weeks when we have one of our so-called “normal” setbacks, that it’s what he wants, and what God wants, it obviously makes them happy, it’s obviously fated to be, I can’t have a child anyway, so just deal with it, keep quiet about it and just give God and Tom what they want. What they really want.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to have sex with him, but I just don’t see any way out of it without swapping one set of problems for another.

Anyway, sometime after I was up and showered, I cleaned the house and typed up some letters.

We will be going to the library today when it opens.

Did I mention that on Wednesday, we’ll be feeding the hamsters? I’ll also be stocking up on new markers that day, too.

Andy and Michelle left a message earlier. They say Michelle just “discovered” two months ago that she’s gay. Well, I don’t think this is something one just suddenly discovers about themselves. It’s either always there, or it’s not.

They wanted to know if I considered Michelle to be feminine, butchy, or in the middle. I’d say she’s in the middle, yet closer to feminine.

I’ve got to get out and de-duty the patio as soon as it gets a little lighter. I know the bird population has dwindled a bit, but it still gets a bit messy.

Later…

Jesus Christ! Now women are having babies in deodorant commercials. Everything on TV is having babies and you know, it really hurts. It really hurts to have what I can’t have thrown in my face. Everything on TV is babies, pregnancy (by children and adults), sex and violence.

I’m glad Little House was done in the 70s. They based stuff on life in the 1800s, cuz that’s when these people portrayed lived, but a lot of it was also based on life in the 70s. If it were being filmed today, there’d be some gay characters, which would be fine, but there’d also be pregnant teens galore, drugs galore, and someone would be giving birth on every show. Even Charlie’s Angels would be different. A lot like today’s crime shows. Instead of the cops chasing bank robbers and kidnappers, they’d be chasing baby killers and pregnant runaway teens, who were all doped up. This baby fetish that’s hit today’s commercials, shows, and movies shows absolutely no sensitivity or consideration for the sterile. Why should they, though? We only make up 5% - 10% of the population. It really wears on my nerves, though. I am sterile. And as a sterile woman, I don’t need to see these commercials while I eat popcorn and try to watch an old rerun of Little House.

Later…

Well, we just had a good screw and in half an hour we’ll be leaving for the library, then I shall return to read myself to sleep.

I wasn’t all nervous and feeling like the self-conscious freak I thought I’d feel like and it was great, cuz he slowly, but surely managed to start on top. I didn’t expect him to cum, but he enjoyed it too, and says it’ll take him a little while to get used to this arrangement. He says it’s cuz I keep lifting my feet, so he burns all his energy trying to get in there. Well, I’ll remember to lower my feet.

SUNDAY, JULY 13, 1997 Well, Andy may be coming over in an hour or two. He’s gonna bring a tape with a song of Cheryl Crow’s that I want to tape and a journal for me. It was the journal that he wrote 6 pages in and I wrote about 8 pages in December and January of ’95-‘96. It’s not a great-looking journal, but since he’s decided he’s really never gonna use it (I figured as much), he says it ought to go to someone who will use it.

While Andy’s here, he’ll be browsing the Internet.

Tom went to bed about an hour ago. He says that tomorrow we can finish the bathroom and then Monday, we’ll stop by his ma’s house to take in her mail and paper, then we’ll go to the library. On Wednesday, we’ll feed the hamsters.

Later…

I just took a break to listen to music.

I discussed this with Tom who says that his wants haven’t changed, that neither has mine, but that I just don’t know what to do. Yes, I miss our fun and all that, but I’m still tired of the biweekly botches. He says that setbacks are a part of life and all we have to do is just keep moving on when they happen. Well, I agreed to not call him names, but this is hard to do when you feel your own husband (along with God) is controlling the bedroom scene and it’s hard not to get mad. He says voicing my opinion is fine and telling him that I think he’s lying is fine. He said it’s when I call him a fucking asshole and tell him he is a liar that he’s got a problem with.

So, since a baby can’t happen no matter what, I think I may as well just let him play his biweekly games and just deal with it. Just cuz I can’t be happy with our sex life and have a child doesn’t mean he can’t be happy and I want the one I love to have all the happiness I can possibly give him. Besides, I know the truth, he’s heard it a million times from me, so I may as well keep my mouth shut about it and take these constant setbacks that I don’t think are as normal as he says they are. I can’t imagine your average person having problems with sex this often.

Also, maybe somewhere down the line, God will have a change of heart and stop adding insult to injury and just leave us the fuck alone in bed. Maybe he’ll realize that sterility is enough of a punishment for me and that there’s no need to keep on picking at me by further controlling my body in other ways, as well as the sterility.

Maybe Tom will have a change of heart too, and either put his actions where his mouth is or admit to what he’s been doing and all the reasons why, too.

Whether or not he cums more, I doubt I’ll ever have the nerve to see a doctor. I mean, really. What’s he gonna do for us? Fight God and win? Fat chance!

Tammy and Dad mentioned Tammy and her family going to Florida this summer, but I guess not. I recently talked to Tammy and asked her when she’d be going and she said she wasn’t. I asked if she had a falling out with Mom and Dad, but she said she didn’t, so I guess their health matters, among other problems, are gonna prevent them from going this year.

I noticed by the caller ID box that my folks tried calling at 8:30 on Friday night, but I was asleep and Tom was bringing Mary and Dave to the airport. So yesterday morning I called and got their machine. I told them I saw they called, let them know what was going on, and told them to leave a message if they had anything important to tell, but I’m sure they were just calling to say hi.

Tom got a couple of awards from work. One for processing 19 million checks with no errors and another one, too.

Andy will be here in about half an hour. He just called. He’ll also be coming over sober. Amazing! That’s cool, though, cuz when he’s stoned, he can’t remember shit I say and he’s such a flake.

Later…

Soon I will be crashing, but I thought I’d write first and say that Tom finished carpeting the bathroom. It looks nice.

Andy was over for a few hours and he brought the journal and tape.

Why has the vitamin E failed to keep my tits from soreness this time around? For the last two months, I had virtually no soreness, but now, at a whole 10 days away from my period, they’re getting quite sore.

Perhaps I drank too much coffee? Perhaps it’s God cursing me? Or maybe my emotional state, which was pretty shitty for a few days, has taken a toll on me physically?

Anyway, I chickened out of sex today, but I’ll write about it later.

SATURDAY, JULY 12, 1997 Tom brought home a fountain pen that Ma wanted me to have. I’m using it to finish out my paper journal.

A few hours ago, Tom brought Mary and Dave to the airport. They’ll be gone to New York for a week. We’ll only be feeding 3 hamsters and not 4, cuz one of theirs died.

Then tomorrow, Tom will be bringing his mom to the airport. She’s going to Steven and Carol’s for about two weeks.

Tomorrow, he’ll also be putting up a mural for Jackie and Jim, and then he mentioned doing some painting at his ma’s on Monday.

Hopefully, though, he’ll want to do something here on Sunday. Like maybe finish carpeting the bathroom.

Later…

Well, I’m still sure that quitting sex would be the best thing for us, but that would be only if Tom wouldn’t have a problem with it and I know he’d at least act like he would, so if we end up screwing again, I guess I should just deal with his games, lies and teasing and just keep my mouth shut. Opening my mouth and bitching about whatever he does to jerk sex off-kilter, won’t stop it from happening and all it does is cause fights. All he does is deny it, anyway.

Yes, I’d love to have a child, but I know that that’s not going to happen and that that’d be even worse for both of us, so why bitch about something that’d be bad for us when he pulls his stunts in bed? We wouldn’t be able to have a child even if he didn’t play games and even if he did cum regularly, so why not just let him have his fun his way, the way it’s always been? It’s like knowing how bad cigarettes are for me, as well as how a baby would ruin our lives. The only difference is, is that I know I’m gonna continue smoking those cigarettes. However, I’m not gonna get pregnant, so I guess there’s no point in my reacting to his shit. Deep down, that’s probably what he wants and likes, anyway, if I really am truly right with my beliefs of what’s gone on here for ages now.

His story changed a little bit, too. The last time he said that my urgency for a child has been what’s been holding him back from cumming more (which makes no sense, cuz it’d seem to me that if someone you loved really was anxious to have or to do something they really wanted, you’d push harder to see them get it) and that what happened that night was that I wasn’t in the mood, so subconsciously I botched the angle up. Today, though, he told me it’s not my urgency that’s held him back, it’s my actions. Meaning, how I reacted after his little stunt a few nights ago. Also, not only was I supposed to not be in the mood and subconsciously botch the angle, but now he tells me that I have such anger deep within my subconscious that I just had to look for a reason to be mad at him.

I told him yet again if I were really the type to want to go off on someone, just to go off on them and be mad at them, I wouldn’t bother with feeling the need for an excuse, I’d just let them have it. Also, I’m almost always in the mood, but if I’m not, I told him that’s no reason to deny him fun. I can just lay there and let him do the work.

I told him I wish we could ditch the side position altogether, but that wouldn’t do any good, cuz then he’d just go do something else. He’d find some other thing to use as an excuse to cover for his fears and to cover for the truth, all the while pinning it on me. And he tries pinning it on me in such a kind way, so to speak by saying I’m not responsible for just being the way I am and for it being a subconscious thing on my part and not something that I knowingly and intentionally set out to do. Please! I mean, his beliefs about me and what happened are so fucking off the wall, it’s pitiful! He may be a great con and one hell of a smooth bold liar, but he’s also a bad liar as well.

I’m gonna go take a coffee break now, then maybe I’ll listen to music or something. At 4:40 I’ll be watching a movie on HBO, but I’m not sure if I’ll really like it or not. I have to wake him up at 9 AM, then he’ll be gone from about 10 AM - 5 PM and I’ll be hitting the sack right around that time. I can’t say I’m not glad he won’t be around, cuz I just don’t want any more shit, so he can be off doing for others all he wants. As long as he does enough stuff around here and doesn’t procrastinate too much around here.

Another thing is, I know he’s not as serious as he claims to be about a full-time sexual relationship. I know our schedules don’t always match up and that things come up, but I’m not stupid either and I am 100% sure that even if we were compatible with each other in bed we’d still have full-time sex on a part-time basis. This is just not your typical male who thinks below the belt 99% of the time like 99% of the male population does.

He also told me that the reason for not fixing the tape is cuz he needs a special tape to tape its ends back together and that there wasn’t extra money for it. We could’ve made money for it, but he didn’t think it was a higher priority. He didn’t tell me he needed a special tape for it, but of course, he swears he did tell me.

Later…

I just did up a list of the tilesets I don’t like for Tom to delete if he wants to.

I’m doing some laundry now too, but I think I’ll wait for it to get light out before I dry it, so as not to let the bugs in.

Like I said, I’m gonna get me some coffee and I think I’ll read for a while. I’m reading Single White Female and it’s great.

Later…

I watched that movie and it was OK.

I did some reading and now I’m drying the two loads of laundry I’m doing.

FRIDAY, JULY 11, 1997 I’m kind of bored right now, but I thought I’d drop in to say hello to my journal.

There are different things I could be doing now, but I can’t decide on which to do. I did some reading and now I could listen to music, sing, proofread, cruise the web, or try to see if I can wash old coffee stains off of my dog/cat mugs with vinegar. I think I’ll hit the web first and see what other games and tilesets I can find.

Later…

Wow! The vinegar Tom suggested I use to clean the mugs really worked! The stains disappeared like magic and now they look brand spanking new.

I also forgot to mention that when I got up yesterday, I got up at 103 lbs. That’s the lowest I’ve been in nearly a year. Still, my metabolism needs more speeding up. Especially since I went to bed at 106 lbs. that day. I shouldn’t be more than a pound heavier at the end of my day.

Later…

I don’t want to do it. I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to have sex with him and I can’t imagine not being extremely self-conscious in bed from here on out. Not after he accused me of having my angle off, even when I knew it wasn’t. If I had really had my angle off, that’d be different, but now I’m gonna be like - am I lined up right? Or am I gonna hear afterward that I deliberately screwed up the angle and so he wilted away? And besides, if my angle had really been a problem, why didn’t he just say so? Why didn’t he just have me move, or move himself, then continue on?

I just don’t want to continue with these fights over sex that we seem to have at least every other week and deal with the anger and depression that goes with it. But I feel trapped and like I have no choice, but to let him keep on playing with me for fear that he’ll be unhappy and even think about us splitting.

He says he’s not lying and not deliberately trying to prevent himself from cumming more or from me getting pregnant. Then why oh why do I feel like he’s trying to ensure we keep up with the sex so he can fuck with my head and play games and tell lies? Anyone can be so much of a smooth and bold liar and accuse someone else of messing up sex, while it’s really them that’s messing it up, cuz they don’t want to admit their fears/reasons. I’ve tried to comply with his wishes and see things his way and give him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve looked for reasons to believe him, but I can’t find them. I’m grasping at straws in my mind and all I can see are the many reasons I’ve written about before, that are causing him to intentionally and knowingly do what he’s done. He knows I can’t literally prove him guilty like I could if he were guilty of an affair and I had pictures of him screwing someone, so he knows that all he has to do is pin the blame on me. Then butter me up by saying it’s not my fault cuz it’s just the way I am and I can’t help it, so he can get me back into the sack so he can do this yet again, for the millionth time.

I don’t want to fall into this trap again and this angering, depressing and frustrating cycle, but how do I get out of it? He’d just put a guilt trip on me, so what do I do? Now I not only feel like there’s no way to solve our sex problems, but I feel there’s no way out of it, either. We can’t quit, but we can’t do it right, either.

In the midst of my desire to have a child, I’m having more and more doubts about just how much I really want that and the troubles and responsibilities it brings. Even if I could handle it, which I still can’t imagine, is it really worth it? I’m still so afraid of what it’d do to us as a couple and how it’d make me feel. I mean, my life as I always knew it would be over and I don’t truly know if that’d be a good thing and in a good way. All our time and money would go to the baby. There’d be no life for us as individuals to indulge in hobbies, or to indulge in each other. I can only imagine just how many fights we’d have concerning the rearing of it, too.

Then there’s still the lack of sleep and what it would do to my body. I know just how I’d look and how my asthma would be as well as my sanity and come on! They cry for hours at a time. Can I really handle that? Wouldn’t I just turn around and bash it as my mother did to me? I just don’t have the patience and the tolerance it takes to be a mother and I wonder more and more if I should be looking at my sterility as I look at my singing - a gift.

Maybe the right and the only thing to do, that would be best for me and for us as a couple, would be to concentrate on being more consistent with something I’ve suggested to myself before - look at my sterility and being able to dodge pregnancy each month as a blessing, as a game I love to play, that I’m great at, and am lucky to always win at, and remind myself constantly of all the good there is to never having a child.

THURSDAY, JULY 10, 1997 Tom and I have done a lot of talking since I last wrote. So much talking, that I don’t know where to begin. I can start, though, by saying that I’m still not convinced he’s not lying and then pinning the problem on me to cover his ass for being too chicken himself to tell me what’s really going through his mind.

He keeps telling me he knows we disagree about what happened a few nights ago and that’s OK, cuz you can’t always agree on everything. He still insists it was me who shifted angels. I’m sorry, but I did nothing wrong. Not intentionally and not unintentionally. I’ve thought about it a million times and I still know for a fact that he was right on the money. I can tell when the angle’s off and it wasn’t. It was he who wilted away, wasn’t in the mood, and put up the resistance.

Andy told me he read that the main reason for someone not being able to cum very easily is cuz of fear of failure in bed. Well, that’s certainly not the case with Tom.

Speaking of reading, he said he wanted one of us to go through my journals, cuz he knew I wrote that I’d be happy and want nothing else if he’d just cum. How could I have said that? His cumming was never the number 1 thing as far as I was ever concerned. There were and are and will be things of greater importance to me than that. Such as having a kid was and of course, you can’t have that without the guy cumming.

So, I think either he misunderstood me or I used a poor choice of words if he thought I said that that was the one and only thing to make me happy. That was only one of the few things I felt would make me happy. Or at least happier.

Then he says that maybe I’m calling him a liar to cover up for my own lies. He said this after he embarrassed the fuck out of me by going through my journals. I just didn’t see any way to tell him I’d go through them myself. He said we could go through them with him there, but what would be the point of that? He’d still see my writing which I still don’t think is all that great and which I’m still very shy about sharing. He says I deceived him by telling Kim, Andy and Dr. Rugg about our sex problems. But he knew this. He knew this a long time ago and he always told me to use my best judgment as far as who I say what to and I agreed. We both did.

Anyway, he didn’t find it, cuz I just can’t see why I’d write that or say that, but I’m sure that I said it was very important to me. Not the most important thing and not my only dream or goal in life.

Why does he swear I’ve said things I don’t remember saying and that I wouldn’t say? And why does he swear he didn’t say things that I know he has said?

I told him I suspect more and more that the source of my sterility is cuz of not ovulating. We all know you can get periods and not ovulate, just like you can get pregnant, but not have periods. I told him that a woman’s body temp is supposed to be slightly elevated at mid-cycle and stay that way till she gets her period. Well, there have been times I’ve taken my temp at these times to find it lower. He said I can’t get an accurate record of my temperature cuz of how I take my temps at the wrong time. He said your temp is the most accurate when you first wake up and it’s also important to do it at the same time of day every day for accuracy, cuz air temperatures in houses fluctuate from say, 7 AM-2 PM. Well, maybe he has a point.

It’s still awfully hard to believe I could be fertile when no evidence has ever suggested that I am. Evidence has suggested, though, that I’m not. Seeing is believing for me, usually.

He still swears also, after reminding me that I swore he’d never cum in the first place, that he will cum more if he screws more, that everyone has setbacks, that we’ve progressed and gotten through these setbacks, that we can move on and progress even more and that he doesn’t think you can have a happy marriage without sex. Oh really? I thought he had said that he felt that sex was just a little tiny part of it and that what went on out of bed was where it counted and mattered most. See, I feel like he’s saying this just to get me to go back into this multi-year cycle with him again so he can jerk me around.

He keeps saying he hates being called a liar and that he’s not lying, but what else can I think or believe? It’s virtually impossible to give him the benefit of the doubt when I’ve never seen him put his actions where his mouth is. When he came like he said he would, then I believed him when he said he could cum. I believed it when I saw it and that’s what it’ll take for me to believe he’ll cum more and that he really wants this kid that much.

When I asked him why he didn’t blame me for the way we were in bed, then why he implied that it was my urgency that made him falter, he said that I am who I am, and since I can’t help that and am not deliberately at fault of anything, then I can’t be blamed. No, I certainly wouldn’t deliberately fuck up our sex, but then he goes on to say we can work around it. Then why haven’t we?

If our sexual problems are truly all my fault (and I’m not saying that some of them aren’t), then if I haven’t gotten the hang of how to fix my faults, I guess I never can or will.

My heart says she wants to have a normal, happy, full-time sex life with the man she loves and have a baby with him. My head says that that’s not reality, sex is the main source of our problems and fights, so break the cycle by eliminating the source of the problem - sex. That’s the problem. I always have to want something I can’t have.

Sex is like booze and I’m like the alcoholic. It’s addicting. It’s so easy to keep on the roller coaster and keep this hurtful, destructive cycle going. And I also feel like he, too, is pushing me into sex. Whether it’s intentional or not, and whether it’s for good reasons or not, I’m afraid that if I quit the sex with him (even though he said he’d never make me do anything I didn’t want to do), he’ll leave me or fall out of love with me. He even said that I was heading towards having him fall out of love with me. He said you can’t make someone love you, but you can make someone not love you, and that’s where I was heading. Now I don’t even know if I can believe he loves me when he tells me so. I know he did love me. But does he really and truly still love me? Or is he just saying so?

I just wish I could see inside him like we can look into our own selves and see what was really there.

TUESDAY, JULY 8, 1997 That stupid, stupid, lying little fuck!!! Aaaarrrrrgggggghhh! How dare he pull this shit on me yet again, then lie to my face as if I were some naïve sucker?!?! Yes, it’s Tom and God and their usual shit.

Tom slept for 11 hours. Something he hasn’t done in eons. I told him that since the house was cool and since he was so well-rested, he shouldn’t have any excuses for having sex. Of course, deep down I knew better and could sense the fear and apprehension he was under about that, cuz he thinks I’m fertile and he knew I was in the conception range.

Then I prayed to God and some God he is, alright! Yeah, look where that’s gotten me. And look just how helpful God is to those who help themselves. God did just what I knew he’d do and so did Tom.

I’m so sick of Tom and God’s shit and how they have to play with my head and control my life! I may be sterile, but God sure wants to act like I’m not. I mean, I’m sterile, yet he plays things out in a way that suggests I’m not sterile and therefore, he has to make sure we miss it. Why is God so into making us miss something we could never hit in the first place? I’m sterile, God. OK? You fucking sterilized me, you bastard, I know you’ll never help me help myself, I know you’ll never allow me a child, so why can’t you leave us to at least a peaceful, normal and full-time sex life without the bullshit?! And why can’t you get Tom to see I’m sterile, so he’ll stop his bullshit, or does Tom really just get such a kick out of teasing me, lying to me and just totally jerking me around sexually? Is it really so much fun for him? And does God see me having sex with anyone, male or female, such a sin that this is why he’s hexed my sex life with all the people I’ve had sex with? Is this God’s punishment for my being human and having normal and natural desires, goals and dreams?

When Tom was ready to screw I said, “I’m gonna have my other kind of fun tonight” which I’ll explain later.

Then, sure enough, we went to screw and he was quite soft and he kept resisting and pulling away and it was so damn obvious that he didn’t want to have sex at all. Not at all! He was so fucking terrified, I could smell it. And then when I asked him if he was OK and commented on how he didn’t seem in the mood, what did the chicken shit liar do? Same thing he always does - he turned it on me and said that I always say that when I’m not in the mood. That’s bull and if I wasn’t in the mood, I’d say so.

Then he said he thought we should get up, right as I was about to suggest that, but man oh man was I so fucking pissed and hurt!!! I’m sooooooooo fucking tired of this shit and of his and God’s fucking games.

I called him a fucking asshole, which I admit was wrong and not helpful, then I told him, “Hey, you knew I was close to being mid-cycle, you got cold feet and got scared off, so admit it. Don’t turn it all on me, cuz if I was the one who wasn’t in the mood or who was scared, I’d have said so.”

When the fuck is this guy ever gonna come out and admit that he just doesn’t want to be a father?! I told him yet again, I know he doesn’t want to be a father, I know he doesn’t think I’d be a good mother (and I’m inclined to agree), but instead of telling me what I want to hear - tell me the truth! I told him I wouldn’t force him into being a father, I wouldn’t leave him or beat him up or love him any less if he’d just admit to this.

Anyway, I know I’m sterile and that we on our own couldn’t produce a child and that no doctor could produce one for us, but he obviously does think I could conceive, or else he wouldn’t be so fearful of screwing around these times like he often is. It isn’t always the case, but it usually is. I know that together, he and God have other reasons for this shit with his games, lies and not cumming much, but I’m just talking about the part about his not wanting a child.

I told him I knew that it wasn’t like he’d be a bad dad or would leave us if we had had a kid, but that since I knew that he believed I was fertile, I’d do nothing from now on to put him in a position where he’s uncomfortable or fearful in any way. I told him - we will not see a doctor and we will not screw when I’m around that time. I don’t think I could if he said he wanted to, anyway. Cuz then all I’d do would be to feel bad for him, knowing he was doing something he really didn’t want to do.

Then the asshole pins it on me again with a response saying that as soon as I said that I was gonna have a different kind of fun, he should have foreseen problems and backed off, so that was his only true fault. Oh, bullshit! I’ve said that before (that means I was just gonna relax and let him do the work without taking care of myself in the midst of it) and we’ve had no problems. Yet he says that 99% of the time my saying that causes problems cuz when I say that that means I’m gonna resist and do something screwy like change angels, etc. That’s fucking bullshit! All that is is his pinning the blame on me to cover for his true feelings and intentions. He used that as an excuse to get out of screwing so he didn’t have to face me and say, “I don’t want to screw now, cuz I’m afraid it may make a baby that I don’t particularly want,” or “I just don’t feel like screwing tonight.”

I have done everything I can do to allow myself to get pregnant and to help myself get pregnant, even though I can’t, and if I were OK, the reason why we’ll never have a child is cuz of him and God. Not me.

So I’ve decided to not screw at mid-cycle and to never go to a doctor for sure and that’ll make God real damn proud of me and Tom breathe a whole hell of a lot easier. And then it’ll always be just Tom and I cuz I don’t want a kid if he doesn’t. And when I say that, I mean I won’t do anything more to try to fight fate, which is virtually impossible to do, anyway, and those that do fight fate and win, which is very seldom, have to pay dearly for it. So, this baby thing will just be the dream it’s always been and the dream it will always be, just like it was meant to be. There are dreams, and then there’s reality.

If Tom’s not gonna come out and admit that he doesn’t want a child and do more things than he already has to make sure he doesn’t have a child, then I will. All 3 of us will. Tom, God and I together. So, if he pulls this shit when it’s safe, he’s gonna have to pull it for some other reason, even if it’s just to tease me further and play the games he just loves to play.

And fuck talking to a God who doesn’t give a shit and who will never help us anyway!

I’m sick of Tom telling me he wants this kid he doesn’t want, but I know the truth, so I’ll act on this truth and protect us from this baby that could never happen anyway. I’m also sick of Tom not being able to say no to favors I ask of him. Instead, he says yes to please me, then bitches that I give him too many projects and tells me I nag him about stuff he’s said he’d do but doesn’t do. I asked him to fix a videotape a long time ago. He said he would fix it and that it’d only take a few minutes to do it. I’ve reminded him about it periodically, but he hasn’t fixed it. Well, he obviously never wanted to and I wish to hell that he’d not only admit that he doesn’t want a child, but that he’d say no to stuff he doesn’t want to fix or do around here.

Tom also had the nerve to say that I use any excuse I can to lay into him and that I’m the one who’s scared and making sure we don’t have sex at certain times. Of course, that’s bullshit, too, cuz if I really just wanted to let him have it, I wouldn’t need no excuses. Also, I am not afraid. He is the one afraid of a child. Yes, I have the usual fears and doubts that anyone would who’s never gotten pregnant or had a child before, but I haven’t been letting that stop us. He and God have, though.

Later…

I am pretty depressed right now. I was quite bitter and not in the mood to see Tom when I got up, but thankfully, he crashed shortly after. I won’t be waking him up till 10:30, so he’ll only be here an hour and I’ll be in the other room reading or listening to music. I am just so hurt and pissed off and both Tom and God for controlling my life and my mind and my body like they were some kind of toy. I am not a toy!

MONDAY, JULY 7, 1997 I can only imagine what my next letter from Bob will entail. On the phone, he had said that if he wrote something that pissed me off, he didn’t mean it, he doesn’t know what he’s doing half the time.

Oh, so what is this? An excuse to write whatever he wants?

Anyway, we may screw later on and of course Tom’s subconscious (and probably a bit of his conscious side), will prevent him from cumming and God will be right there to help him make sure of that. Well, like I said, there is a lot of good to his not cumming at the right time. No having such a rough PMS and period when reality’s slapped further into my face. If he were to cum every time it was the right time, I’d just be worse off emotionally every time that period came that a fertile woman isn’t supposed to get.

There are another one of God’s “ways” that I just don’t get (do any of us get his ways?). You’d think that his setting up Linda to not be able to conceive was a sign saying a child wasn’t meant to be for her, yet it was. It was through in-vitro. What doesn’t make sense is why God would want to make a woman who wants a child and who’d be a suitable mother have to work for and pay for a child. Why not sterilize those who don’t want them and who shouldn’t have them even if they did? So, that makes me wonder if God had a beef with her of some kind and he knew that yes, she could and would have a child, but cuz of his grudge against her, he was gonna make her wait several years, then work her ass off and pay for it. However, I know this isn’t the case with me. I know that a doctor can’t help me and that it’s not meant to be, period. I can’t “see” us ever going to a doctor cuz I don’t see how I could ever muster up the guts to go and I can’t see my husband ever admitting that there’s something wrong with me. He wouldn’t admit that in a million years, even if he came like hell all the time, cuz he just doesn’t want to deal with that, even though he says differently. Linda’s husband had to have wanted kids more than Tom does. So, since it’s very obvious I’m in a no-win situation and am hopelessly sterile, why does God have to add the sexual problems I’ve had with different people in different ways? Why not at least leave all alone and well and good in bed? Why does he and Tom both, feel such a need for him to cum only every other week? I know I can’t get pregnant, God knows that so why can’t Tom have a normal sex life? And when I say that - I mean, why can’t he cum the usual amount that your typical guy cums? God couldn’t have made sure (along with Tom’s other reasons for being the way he is) that Tom would only cum occasionally to keep us from missing it, cuz there’s nothing to miss. I don’t even know why I bothered to fear a miscarriage when I know for sure that no matter what time of month he came I’d still get my period. There’s nothing Tom, a doctor, or I can do to stop that. It’s inevitable fate that I get every single period due to me till they stop for good.

The piece of trash came in again last night but then left a short time later. Once again, he’s been a good boy. Not one note of music was heard.

Another good thing about never being able to get pregnant is that if I did get pregnant, my old wishes would just change to new ones. In other words, I’d simply go from wishing I could conceive to wishing I could have it naturally and have it be OK, too. Now, there’s no way God would ever give me one of those wishes, let alone all of them. So, I guess that in a sense, it’s better to have the same wish that can never come true, rather than wish for one thing after another that I could never have. What would be the point of changing wishes? I mean, if you’ve got 10 wishes that can’t come true, what’s the point in rotating between all these wishes? Might as well just keep the same one.

Tom’s still asleep and he had mentioned screwing at around 8:30 - 9:00 when the house cools down a bit, but if he’s still asleep by then, I’ll just let him sleep. After all, I’m not overly horny now and he’s not gonna be able to get off himself, so it may be best to let the guy sleep, rather than wake him up so we can screw and not get any real relief from it. Don’t get me wrong. Screwing is still fun, anyway, and I only cum about 95% of the time, but he probably needs sleep more than sex, if he hasn’t woken up on his own by then.

No more mild Arizona summer. It’s extremely hot like it should be. The pool water is like bathwater.

SUNDAY, JULY 6, 1997 Right after my last entry, it came in next door. The music was at a fine volume and there was very little bass too, so no big deal at all. Then, to my surprise, it just left. Without a note of music. That’s weird, though, cuz he usually stays all night when he comes in that late. Well, he certainly didn’t come over to see the kid, unless they got that kid on some weird schedule, so I’m sure he just came over for a good screw. His scheduling makes sense, though. It’s usually every 3 weeks that he’s here. Sometimes 2, but mostly 3, so that’s it for a while.

Tom finally got around to checking my tape deck out like I’ve been wanting him to for a while now. He just had to make me wait on that like he loves to do, though. I haven’t taped anything yet, but he says the adjustments he made, have made it a little better. So, hopefully the music recorded will be less muffled.

I’ve also given up waiting on him to make that special box with the light he was gonna use to scan copies of my drawings that can actually be seen. Another thing he’s all talk about and isn’t gonna do and if he does do this, how many more months, or even years will it take for him to do it? He’s just not that serious or eager about it and so, I’ve decided for once and for all that I’m gonna get my drawings photocopied. We’ll be tight for about a month, but then there’ll be money for that and other things.

SATURDAY, JULY 5, 1997 I just thought I’d do some updating before I read some more of the two library books I’m gonna be reading.

On the 3rd I got my cavity filled and it was no problem. The drill sure was quite an obnoxious vibration, but it didn’t last long at all.

I also spoke to Bob that day, since I usually tell him to call me about twice a year. Nothing new on his end, but the chat was pleasant enough.

A few days ago, I rearranged some stuff around here and got rid of old towels that were shredding up. I also frequently rearrange Teddy Bear’s tubes. Especially since he sleeps in them and pisses in them so much.

Speaking of Teddy Bear, he’s really warmed up to me and a few times I’ve had him running around on the living room couch.

Our toaster broke, so Tom picked us up a new one that’s quite nice.

He saw something promising on TV last night. It’s this thing where you use two twin mattresses and you put them side by side to make a double, queen or king-size bed and each one has an air compartment on the top of it so that each person can make them as firm or as soft as they want. And also, if one person moves, the other shouldn’t feel it. Hopefully, this will be cheaper than that other mattress we saw and will hit the stores soon enough and not be a scam. In November, he’ll be getting a $500 bonus from his job and so maybe we can use this to get some kind of bed that’ll suit us both. I’m really sick of having the two beds side by side and not being able to just walk right up to the side of my bed. Also, waterbeds really can be a pain in the ass.

Unfortunately, Tom’s mom found out she has skin cancer on her face, but luckily, it’s a highly treatable thing, so in a few days she’ll be seeing a doctor and they’ll discuss what would be the best way for her to deal with it.

Last night I saw some really pretty fireworks out back. They weren’t too far off in the distance and unfortunately, I missed the grand finale.

Today was a pleasant day. I got up around noon, then he came in a few hours later. We swam together and we screwed and he got off, too. That was nice, cuz I didn’t know what would be the scoop with that, but it appears he’s back to the cumming about every two weeks. That’s better than nothing.

Later…

I feel like I’ve forgotten to mention other stuff, but anyway, the asshole hasn’t been next door this weekend. Not so far, anyway, and if he isn’t there at the start of the weekend, say by a Thursday or Friday night, then he’s probably not gonna be around at all.

Well, if I were OK, I definitely stand no chance of getting pregnant this month. That’s cuz he just came a few days too soon and cuz he can’t cum just a few days apart from each other. He can’t really cum any sooner than about 12 days apart. Or won’t cum more than 12 days apart. Whichever. So, my point is that cuz he won’t cum on the 7th - 9th, I haven’t got a chance in hell. If only God could decide it was that meant to be. Cuz if God really wanted to, he could line things up and make sure that during one of the rare occurrences where he came, there was an egg waiting for it. I’ve prayed to God for help, due to the fact that we’ve got a 1 in about a hundred thousand chances of hitting it and cuz he’s supposed to help those that help themselves, but he still doesn’t seem to care or the least bit interested in helping us. He doesn’t hear a word I say. Well, he hears me, but he doesn’t listen to me. Like I said, if he hasn’t by now, he never will. God wouldn’t have had us childless for this long without a reason and obviously this is just how it’s meant to be, just like I always told Tom.

Did I mention that all the cactuses we planted died? Well, they did, so we’ll have to try again someday.

I finished proofreading the Norwich file, so now it’s onto the Vista. I love how I said that Andy took me to see Squaw Pee Mountain when it’s really Squaw Peak Mountain.

I wonder what’s up with Marla. I haven’t heard from her since AOL crashed on her when she was trying to mail me that enormous email.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 1997 I just talked to both my dad and Larry. They both say they’re getting rain.

Dad said they’ve been going back and forth between the store and playing bingo. A new Arizona bingo lottery game just started, but we lost.

When I called Larry at work, I told the receptionist that I was his sister. Then a thought hit me - he’d want to know which one since he doesn’t want anything to do with Tammy. Sure enough, the lady came back on the line and asked which one. He still sounds kind of down, but not as down as he’s sounded in the past. He’s just working, as usual, and that’s it.

When I called Tom’s mom’s house yesterday, Evie answered and said that was really sweet of my parents to bring gifts for their kids and I gave her their address in case she wants to send a thank you note, as she mentioned.

No, I don’t think the fact that I haven’t heard that dog barking out front had anything to do with God, or else God would have taken care of those two dogs, too. I now believe it was a stray. A big, fierce-sounding dog wouldn’t suddenly shut up and mellow out and I thought it had sounded really, really close when I went outside to see if I could tell where it was coming from. That’s scary to think of now, cuz I realize that that huge thing really was no doubt on the street right by the house and it could’ve attacked me. I remember how loud and close it sounded and how it scared the shit out of me. Something told me I wasn’t safe there and to run back into the house. Well, I’m still glad I haven’t had to listen to it, anyway, so now the living room can remain peaceful. As I said, the summer isn’t bad for barking dogs around here. Since dogs are made to live in their owner’s yards only, all year round here, they cannot use their energy to bark when it’s really hot, or else they’ll get overheated. I’ve heard the old man’s dog a bit more at night, but that dog has never barked as much as the two dogs do in the winter.

Tomorrow I get that cavity filled and Tom said that tomorrow would be a little inconvenient for him, but we’ll work it out. Oh well. I tried.

I had a funny chat with Kim the other day. She was in two car accidents, not one. The first one, she got cement dumped on her in Springfield, cuz cement fell through an area that they were doing construction on. She was one of 10 cars to get dumped on and I guess she’ll get a settlement out of that. The other accident was her fault, but it was so funny, that I couldn’t help laughing. Even Tom was laughing about it, but I do feel bad for the poor girl. She must feel so embarrassed and guilty and she said she felt bad and guilty, too. Well, she rammed into her boyfriend! They were leaving from somewhere in their own cars when she got to daydreaming and plowing into him and she totaled her car. Now her insurance has to go up cuz of this. I told her that at least she hit someone who loves her and she was like, “No, no, no! I wish I hit a stranger.” Then, “No, I wish a stranger had hit me, cuz I hate being at fault.”

I was laughing at the part where she kept telling Walter when this happened, that she just couldn’t get close enough. Imagine ramming the one you love, though? Oh, I’d feel so guilty and embarrassed! Like a complete fool! It’s still so damn funny, though, even if I do feel terrible for her.

I also got a kick out of how the Northampton paper (where she rammed Walter), claimed she was treated for numerous injuries. All she really did, though, was bang a knee a bit, but she’s fine.

There are a couple of other things I wonder about Tom, although I may have mentioned this before. First of all, we screwed yesterday, he didn’t cum, then said he likes sex whether or not he cums. Yeah, I believe that and that’s rather unfortunate when you’re trying to make this baby you can never have.

Anyway, one of the things I wonder about is how blinded he’s become and if he can ever be “unblinded.” He still insists that he’s the one who knows the truth and that I don’t (about my getting pregnant and how that’ll happen without a doubt, as far as he’s concerned). I know that a person can be so set in their beliefs that they can’t see anything different if something’s changed. It’s like with Tammy, for example. She’s so set in her belief that I can’t sing, then when I really couldn’t sing well, then became a better singer, she could never see that cuz she just never wanted to. If Tom would cum every day for years, would he then still be set in his belief that I was OK? Or would he be able to see reality? I had asked him if he thought I’d ever have the guts to be able to walk into a fertility clinic and set aside my this-isn’t-fair attitude and my beliefs that God would just take away anything a doctor put in there. He said he couldn’t answer that, cuz in his mind, there’s no doubt about the fact that I’m fine and will conceive.

I also wonder if deep down he’s afraid to find out I’m right and is afraid to have to deal with that, so maybe that’s why he’s not cumming regularly? Is he stalling for time on finding out who’s really right out of fear?

TUESDAY, JULY 1, 1997 Is God getting to like me somewhat? Again he answered another little prayer of mine and again, I'm not sure if he had anything to do with it and nothing could increase my faith in him and make me believe he loved me like it would if he gave us a child, but anyway, I got the perfect time for my cavity appointment. I have a cavity on the back of the last molar on my right top side, right along the gum line that needs to be filled. While at the dentist, we made the appointment for the 8th at 1:30, but by then my schedule will be too far forward and it'd be very very hard to make this appointment. So, I prayed for an earlier one, knowing that that'd be perfect, but also knowing that that would be nearly impossible, but get this - I asked for the afternoon of the 3rd and someone was just on the other line when I called and they canceled for that day, so now I'm going in on the 3rd at 4:45. Perfect. I just hope it's perfect for Tom, too, but I don't see why it wouldn't be.

[tmhorror]

Tales From the Hood

Ever wondered what it's like to watch a horror movie? Today, I will focus on Tales from The Hood which is four segments of stories and was directed by Rusty Curdieff. While watching the various segments, it was interesting to see how there was art to solve the problem and the way the themes were portrayed. 

A particular theme that stood out to me was child abuse. In this particular story, I was faced with feelings of sadness and a loss of words and it was difficult to watch the human violence. I could not comprehend why a young child has to go through such acts of violence by his father. It made me question what the child had done to deserve what was considered to be a severe punishment of being beaten. I always viewed a parent figure as one who is there to take care of their child and to protect them. However, as unfortunate as it sounds, it is a reality and something that happens. 

Now, to move on to more context and thoughts on this particular story, I would like to give a little background on who was involved in helping to solve the problem. This young child went to school with many bruises, but he did not understand what they were and what was happening. His teacher said to him “boys do get bruises” which really stuck out to me because it was her way of showing the child that she is concerned about him. 

Although we can see how the teacher feels bad for the child, the mother on the other hand made it seem as though she brushes it off when the child asks her out of fear and just says no to him. She does this as a way to say that it is not anyone’s fault in particular that the father is acting in this way. This was quite surprising to me as my initial reaction was “why doesn't she do something to stop it?”. As I continued to watch, it made me realize that it might sound simple to ask such a question, but there really wasn’t much for the mother to do because she was also being treated this way. With all these thoughts in mind, it is important to recognize the fact that it was difficult for her to really do anything about it because she did not have anywhere to go. Despite this, the teacher took every step to go to their house and intervene to protect the child. This was very heartwarming to me to see the fact that she really went out of her way beyond the school atmosphere too. It showed that she really cared and she shared encouraging words with the child such as “you are powerful enough to fight your own demons”. To wrap it all up, I believe that the use of artwork in this story was useful in solving the problem and bringing a sense of healing in a creative way while solving the issue of the abusive figure. 

[maroonghoul]

Terror Time 2022: Days 30 thru 31

Sorry this is late!  Also, personal correction. I would actually call Barbarian the “Knives Out” of horror movies instead. Simple setup and assumption about the theme, seemingly early reveal and plot pivot, then story looping back to be more what you thought it was going to be about at the end. Sounds better to me.

Let me wrap this up:

No Exit:  *Spoilers*

Another movie that wasn’t what I expected it to be. I figured there’d be more time where we’re left wondering who kidnapped the girl then we got, making this more of a hostage thriller in some ways then a whodunnit. I even expected Lars to be a red herring at first, but he’s not. In fact, it’s a little more interesting in hindsight to think of it as a “who didn’t do it”, considering only one other character at the rest stop wasn’t in on it. That might’ve been more my style. 

That being said, with what we got, it made enough sense. I bought Ash as the sociopath who knows how to be charming until he’s found out, then he’s cold-blooded. All of Lars’ red flags behavior turning out to him being filled with more anxiety and fear over what’s he’s contributed to is a nice realistic twist. Though I’m not sure how far they would’ve gotten for trafficking a child that came from a privileged enough background to be spoiled rotten like that. No wonder Sandi thought the ransom made more sense. I wouldn’t call this flaw really, since 1. criminals of this sort aren’t the smartest to start with and 2. What matters is that if they’re stopped here rather then being stopped at all. 

As for Darby, usually in these situations, the external conflict is tied to their internal conflict in some way. I’m not really seeing how “having a drug problem that alienates my family” is solved or hindered by “must save hostage from unknown kidnappers”. I probably need more time to think about it. Or maybe no real deep connection was meant at all and I’m just being nitpicky. Overall, good for what it was, but not my style for this time of year.

 Sleepy Hollow (1999): Given my costume was the headless horsemen this year, this was an obvious revisit for me. This is another film I’ve seen so much already so there’s not much new to discover or add to the discourse at this point, even it there’s an elephant in the room connected to the lead actor. This is a film that, outside of a party right at the start of the film, might not technically take place right at Halloween, but evokes so much of it in story, sound, and production design that it makes sense as a must for many people at this time. 

While obviously not a real faithful adaptation (plotwise, this is basically Tim Burton’s version of a slasher movie), I kinda liked how we sort of got the original story in the first half or so; Ichabod comes to Sleepy Hollow to educate the masses (schoolteacher in the original, a proto-forensic investigator in the film), while also falling for Katrina and running afoul of Brom. In the end, his overwhelming fear of the supernatural terrifies him beyond reason. I even appreciate the chase scene that was practically lifted straight from the original. It was like Burton and company said with this “Yeah we did our own thing, but here’s a treat to show what the horsemen would’ve looked like if we wanted to keep the ambiguity of it being Brom in disguise in tact”. 

(Side note: I can see you probably adapting a much more faithful film adaptation of the book today, in a style similar to A24. Though that would run the risk of it being lumped in with “Elevated Horror”, so ThIs VeRsIoN iS sOmEhOw BaD nOw. Blegh!)

But the one-two punch of the real Horsemen revealing himself front and center, with no doubt, and Ichabod, for once, deciding NOT to run out of town but stop ask “Why?”, we go in a different direction. And you can’t understate the brilliance of Ichabod realizing someone’s controlling the Horsemen. He told us all from the beginning this would be a murder mystery and we blew him off thinking he’s walking into a straightforward monster movie. Only both sides turn out to be right! In Gothic horror made decades before this, this type of character would’ve been made a complete cowardly fool or someone who need to “accept faith” in order to kill the vampire or something. Here, he still had a cowardly streak and his methods don’t end up de-mystifying or defanging the Horsemen and his trappings in any way. But, his mindset, especially as one bred to distrust an environment controlled by self-righteous and god-fearing brutes for very good reason,  was able to continue the investigation almost uninterrupted. The Horsemen is ultimately an unexpected murder weapon. There’s still motive to investigate.

I also liked how there was actually two good witches and one bad. Sure, you have the sister in the woods using her craft to point the way. But you also have Katrina, the other major character, who uses it, primarily for healing and protection even if it’s ambiguous how effective it is. 

(One new question: Am I the only one who now thinks the reason why the Horsemen couldn’t enter the church grounds wasn’t because of Christianity, but because of the circle she drew on the floor for everyone? Granted, he was still able to get creative there, but I liked to think that helped. And maybe the circle under Ichabod’s bed kept her stepmother from slitting his throat in his sleep.).

Ultimately, it’s not a story where either new sciences nor old paganism are the real villain. All the characters who did actual wrong in this story were the most sure of their mindset, (the torturing cops in the beginning, the elders who’d do anything to hide their secret, Mrs. Van Tassels gleefully getting so many people killed to get what she thinks she deserves). It’s telling that Ichabod and Katrina, both championing Science and Witchcraft respectively, actually choosing not to fight each other, but would rather let the other keep their beliefs, not leads to them saving the other at the end of the film. Hell, both of which are saved by the exact same item; the book of spells. Old magical practices documented in a then-modern source of information. Practically representing the marriage of the two school of thoughts already.

There’s place for both wildly, and perhaps scary, different thoughts in the world, as long as they desire it. And that, more then anything, might make it a perfect Halloween film after all.

Also, the kills are wonderfully brutal. Like I said, this is a slasher, and nothing wrong with enjoying it on that level.

The Monster Squad (1987): Felt right to end this marathon on another monster mash. I never actually grew up with this movie and I only saw it once before like 15 years ago. And...yeah, practically all of the human parts don’t hold up that well. Gay slurs at the beginning, absentee cop dad, loads of fat-shaming even from friends, the sexism. It’s almost all of the worst part of the 80s right here.

 I still don’t know what Rudy is even doing in this movie. What his motivation is. Though I do buy him as a capable monster slayer. And Leonardo Cimeo as “Scary German guy” was pretty cool too. It’s enough to almost want a version where the other three boys weren’t in this movie, and it was just them, Horace, and Phoebe. Yeah, it really wouldn’t be a Monster Squad, but I honestly don’t care for about half of the members of this squad. I couldn’t even remember the second boy, the one who wasn’t the main character. I don’t mind the little brother (especially after feeling bad for him for being scared by both the Mummy and the Gill-man), but I don’t remember anything else he did in the movie.

But yeah, as always, you come to this movie for the monsters, and they’re good here. Dracula here may have a cliché appearance, until you see he has no hesitation over getting his hands dirty, even killing through mundane methods even if he’s capable of more elaborate methods. That’s petty. I still can’t believe he called a little girl a bitch. 

I would’ve liked to see more of the Gill-Man and Mummy. Though it’s funny looking back at this one and see how MUCH more powerful this monster becomes starting with the 1999 film. A bit surprising we don’t get a backstory on the Wolf-Man. But we got that this was a good guy with a horrible curse, so it was enough.

Frankenstein being the other Token Good teammate on their side makes sense, given how just showing him kindness was all he ever wanted. Though I bet Dracula’s kicking himself over working this hard to get this guy back only to be stabbed in the back (literally) at the earliest opportunity. Any incarnation of these two where they have an established friendship is just so interesting to me, same  in the Abbot & Costello film, even if in both cases, it’s a master-servant relationship. Every time, it’s a case where I want to know more, about before. His ending made me sad too. He didn’t deserved to be pulled into the void, too!

So yeah, a cheesy dated kids adventure film, but with some old-fashioned monster goodness. It speaks to strength of these monsters where even in a film seen or marketed as a kids movie, they still have power.

And that’s all the movie I’ve watched in October! I’m sorry if I came off as pretentious or talking too much during this. It’s been a long time since I wrote, and I had a lot of thoughts I had to share, even for films that I initially didn’t think I would have a lot to say. I guess, that’s what happens when I let them sit in my mind for a few days. In fact, it wouldn’t surprised that in ten years, I would feel completely different about a lot of these. None of what I said is meant to be the final word for me or anyone.

Maybe later this month, I post my mini essay I talked about earlier. I have some thoughts on Slashers and why the idea of “elevated horror” is dumb to begin with.

In case you’re wondering, I might write about more then horror movies down the line. They’re not the only thing I watch.

Thank you and stay tuned!

[ellana-ravenwood]

“You’re not my real mom !” - Batkids x Fem!Reader (Batmom)

Synopsis : A story about those few dreaded words : “You’re not my real mom”, said by the batkids, to you, in a the heat of a moment. And the aftermath of it all... 

This has been in my draft for ages. I hope you like it :) : 

my masterlists : @ella-ravenwood-archives

__________________________________________________

DICK 

It happened so fast. In a quick moment of anger. 

A flash, a bang, words said too quickly to truly realize their meaning. 

Dick was frustrated because he felt you didn’t understand him, his point of view. And you were trying to explain to him that it was not okay to...

You know what ? 

You couldn’t even remember what he did. As if whatever it was, it was all wiped out of your memory when he pronounced those bone chilling words. 

You only remembered you were “scolding” him, just like parents do when their child did something he wasn’t supposed to. You rarely told Dick off, even when he would burst into fits of anger. 

You always told him : “When you came into my life, you changed everything. And I love all of you little bird. Not just when you’re joking around and smiling. But also when you get angry, and lash out. You are my son, I love all of you.” 

And you meant it. Often, you or Bruce would take the brunt of his anger, without batting an eye. After all, that child went through a lot. It was totally normal for him to lash out at times. 

He saw his parents died right in front of him. It wasn’t a trauma that would be solved that fast (Bruce was proof of it). “The magic of love” couldn't simply cure someone who was so deeply hurt. Although it helped, over time. 

Yes. Time. 

It would take time, and support, for Dick to heal. And you were here for it. Here for him. 

But there were times, you had to say something. 

Usually, it was when he was being too reckless. 

Your son could be overzealous, and go too far. And you were so worried about his safety and wellbeing...Very rarely, you’d have to “scold” him. 

And you couldn’t even remember what you were lecturing him about that evening (even if you had an idea it was about being a little more careful). All you remembered was...

“You’re not even my real mom ! You can’t tell me anything !” 

And him turning away from you, crossing his arms and refusing to look your way. Which was good anyway, because you were an instant mess. 

“Ok”, you managed to say, wondering how the hell you were able to get the words out. And then you left. Feeling the tears welling up in your eyes. And your heart slowly breaking. 

Bruce found you two later, both clearly feeling down... 

Dick stayed quiet the entire time they were on patrol, and Bruce instantly knew something was wrong. He wasn’t there during your fight, and he only arrived when you were already gone, surprised that you went to bed so early in the night, and didn’t stay with your son downstairs until it was time for patrol... 

The man didn’t push the boy, waiting for him to open up if he wanted to. And as usual, Dick did finally speak up. In a weak voice, as they were surveying the city from a rooftop, he said :

“I told her she wasn’t my real mom...” 

“Ah.” 

Bruce felt the urge to go back home and console you, knowing that you were certainly a mess, right now. But he had to take care of his boy, too. 

And oh, oh Dick looked so crestfallen and sad as the meaning of his words slowly etched into his mind. 

“I told her she wasn’t-she wasn’t-but she is I just-I-I don’t know why I said that-I...” 

The little one was on the verge of tears, and Bruce understood why. 

He probably understood more than anyone else. 

He told Alfred “You’re not my dad !” more than once, and remembered how even the stoic butler looked, whenever he said it. 

He remembered the hurt in his eyes, the resignation too. The “very well sir”, said in a neutral manner, but the stiff way he’d left the room. 

It took Bruce a while, to finally realize that Alfred WAS his father. That he raised him, most definitely. And was always there for him during the hard times. 

That he even helped and supported him, when he came back after disappearing for years, saying : “I’m going to dress up as a bat and wipe crimes from Gotham”. ...How many parents would be that understanding, eh ? 

Alfred knew Bruce. And always tried to do his best for him. So whenever Bruce would yell at him that he “wasn’t his father”, it hurt. 

Bruce knew it. He noticed how Alfred’s entire demeanor would change. He’d see a light go out in his eyes. 

“Very well, sir.”, a small bow, and the stiffness of his body as he left...

And Bruce remembered. 

The guilt and the pain he felt himself, as he regretted ever saying those words. As he knew they were going to hurt, which is why he said them in the first place.

It wasn’t that he wanted to hurt his adopted father, oh no. It was that sometimes he just...He just felt so angry ! Like everything was unfair ! And he missed his parents so much ! 

It was a force stronger than him, he wanted Alfred to leave him alone, and pushed him away...”You’re not my dad !”. So yes. Bruce understood little Dickie. He understood you, too. He knew how you must’ve felt, he saw it enough happening to Alfred. 

Once you’d get home, he would take care of you. But right now, he had to care for his son. 

Right here, on one of Gotham’s rooftop, the scary and mighty Batman slowly kneeled down, and took his boy in his arms, holding him tightly. 

Dick didn’t need more to throw his arms around his father’s shoulders, and hold him strongly too, with all his nine years old strength, sobbing slowly. 

Bruce drew soothing circles on his back, and whispered : 

“It’s ok, it’s going to be ok. It’s ok. Calm down, things are going to be ok.” 

Your husband lost count of the time passing. Were they there, holding each others while Dick was sobbing uncontrollably, for ten minutes, or for ten hours ? He didn’t know. And he didn’t budge.  

His son needed him. Just like once, he needed Alfred... 

Dick fell asleep in his arms, and that night, Bruce came home early. 

Not like he was going to stay out anyway, knowing you were probably devastated, all alone in your room... 

************

Dick fell into a deep sleep, and didn’t budge one bit even as Bruce came down the building, rode home, and put him into bed. 

Bruce’s guess was that all the pent up feelings truly exhausted him. Also, he knew that crying could be tiring. And freeing, in a way. 

Putting the boy’s blanket all the way up to his chin, Bruce laid a kiss on his forehead and then rushed to your shared bedroom... 

You had cried too, but you were not asleep. 

Your eyes were puffy and red, and your cheeks marked with your tears. You seemed surprised, when he came in, and looked at the clock. 

It was only midnight ? 

“Hello, my love.” 

He sat down next to you, and from the way he ran his fingers through your hair, and caressed your cheek, wiping the salty tears from it...You knew he knew.

He knew how devastated you felt. How those simple words that would mean nothing for many, truly wounded you. 

He knew how much you loved that boy, how as soon as your eyes laid on his little face that terrible night he lost his parents, you felt like he was going to be your son one day. 

He knew how much you’d sacrifice for that kid’s happiness, how far you’d go to keep him safe...And so, how hurtful him telling you you weren’t his real mother must’ve felt.  

There was no need for words. 

He knew what to do. He laid next to you, and you just cuddled up to him, letting him wrap you up in his warm embrace. 

He drew those same soothing circles on your back than he did on Dick’s. And whispered : 

“He didn’t mean it. He truly didn’t. He loves you, you know. I love you too.” 

You fell asleep to his words of love and reassurance, finally letting go after hours of not being able to sleep, reenacting the terrible scene in your head over and over again, making yourself feel worst each times. 

************

You woke up around 4 am, with Bruce’s arms wrapped around you.  

He was asleep and escaping his grasp (without Alfred’s help) took you a little bit..but you managed to leave without waking him up. 

He did groan a little at the loss of your warmth, and grabbed your pillow to hold it against his chest. Which was extremely cute, and oh how glad you were to be the only one to see this side of him. 

You went down to the kitchen and... 

Dick was coming from the other door, opposite to the one you took.

The kitchen had three access. Two doors facing each others, and one on the third wall. The door you took was because you got a little lost and did a detour through the drawing room. Dick, however, came from the door you should’ve come from too, which was the one you accessed from the West Wing third corridors, which was directly under your bedroom, and Dick’s. 

The boy probably stood up a little after you, and while you got lost in your own home (again), he took the normal way and...

Boom. Here you both were, arriving in the kitchen at the same time. 

There was a small silence. Awkward. And...

Your heart tightened. 

Dick was sort of cowering backward in fear. Fear of what ? 

Oh. But of course. 

“He didn’t mean it.” 

Bruce whispered to you many times, before you fell asleep. And the way Dick looked at you, worry in his eyes...He was thinking you were mad at him. And the regret in his pupils was as obvious as that fact. 

“Ice cream ?” 

You ask him. His eyes widen a bit, and you can almost see the gears in his brain trying to piece everything together. You’re...not mad at him ? 

Of course you’re not. You felt sad, and lost, and hurt, yes. But never did you feel any hint of anger. Of course not. 

You take out his favorite flavor from the freezer, and settle a bowl in front of one of the high stool around the counter. 

At that time, Dick was so tiny. A very short little bean. And he’d stay small for a long time, only having a sudden spurt when he was around fifteen. 

He climbed onto the stool, and watched you as you gave him some ice cream and a spoon, and then sat down next to him to eat some as well. 

The silent was slowly turning less awkward. 

Slowly, and unsurely, Dick picked his spoon up and looked at you. And completely missed his mouth, the ice cream spreading on his cheek instead. 

You turn around to look at him, ice cream on his cheek, and he’s clearly embarrassed, as a tint of color slowly rises on his face. 

You don’t really know why, but something snaps in you and you start laughing. And laughing. And laughing. 

Because honestly, the kid missing his mouth as he picked his spoon up full of ice cream, is kinda funny right ? And also, all the tension and stress you felt suddenly broke with this simple, silly thing. 

Unsure at first, Dick just looked at you. But your laughter quickly spread to him, and soon enough, you both were bursting out in laughter. 

Anyone not knowing what happened, would probably think you were both crazy, laughing that hard for no apparent reasons. 

Instinctually, you ruffle his hair and Dick gasps. You really weren’t mad at him ?!

You realized what you did, and slowly, both your laughter subsided. There was a small silence as Dick stared at you, and you stared back, and then : 

“I’m-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it !” 

He says in a small voice, and he can’t add anything else as you just pick him up and hold him tight against your heart, and you say : 

“I know.” 

And it’s all he needs to realize you’re not really mad at him, and although he messed up and hurt you, right now, you were both on the path of recovery... 

Next morning, Bruce woke up alone in bed, which greatly distressed him as usual (he often woke up first). But a gut feeling was telling him that...

He found you asleep with Dick in his bed, holding him tightly. 

************

After that event, you sat down with him, so you could have a serious talk about the underlining issue this raised. Talk about something important. 

“Little bird, you know I love you, right ?” 

He nods, but still cannot speak quite yet, doesn’t have the energy to. 

“I want you to understand something. Something vital. Are you listening ?” 

He nods again, his eyes fixed on you. And he’s listening, oh he definitely is. 

“It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to lash out. It’s ok to not be alright. It’s ok to make mistakes.” 

He nods, a little slower than before, and you can see his eyes slowly becoming wetter and wetter. 

“It’s ok. It really is. I’m here. And I love you. Even when you don’t want me around. Even when you push me away. I’m here. And I always will be. Ok ?” 

He nods one last time, unable to hold his tears, and then his little arms latch around you, and he refuses to let go for well over an hour...

Oh. Sweet, sweet boy. 

Your son. 

************

Even now, at age twenty seven, Dick still often think about this day. And the regrets are as burning as they were back then. 

He often thought about it. 

Whenever you did something for him, went out of your way to make him happy, or were just there for him, always...

He’d have a flashback of this day, and feel nothing but regret and anger at his younger self. 

And then you’d read him like an open book. Know exactly what he was thinking, and would slowly shake your head, and say : “I know I often said that, but I will say it till the day I die if I need to :  when you came into my life, you changed everything. And I love all of you little bird. Not just when you’re joking around and smiling. But also when you get angry, and lash out. You are my son. I love all of you. Even when you’re a little bit of a jerk.” and you’d wink at him, making him chuckle and feel a surge of affection toward you. 

Kind of like the ones you’d feel sometimes. A sudden urge to hug your family, to tell them what they mean to you. Both you and Dick understood since a long time that with the life you all lead, you never knew what could happen, and should never waste a “I love you” if you felt like saying it. 

Well, the apple never fall far from the tree ? 

Yes. Because you were his mom. And nothing would ever change his mind on that. Ever. 

JASON 

"Well Jason, you did it you idiot !” 

He says to himself in the mirror, and oh he could’ve punch himself if it was possible. He took his desk chair, and threw it across his bedroom, letting out a scream of frustration. 

He went to his desk, and threw everything that was on it on the floor. He then went to his book shelves and...

There. Your book. The one you wrote for him. 

Jason fell to his knee, holding his head in his hands, crying softly. 

Yes. Yes he did it...He ruined this one chance life gave him to have parents. 

He hurt one of the person that meant the most to him, one of the person he loved the most...His mom. You. 

Because you were his mom, no matter what he told you, in that moment of anger as you scolded him after he did something dangerous during one of his patrol. 

He hadn’t been allowed to go out for long, by then. And Bruce had already scolded him before for the very same thing, so when you did it too, he had enough and...it happened before he could think about it. 

He was angry, about the lack of trust and about the sermons, and his brain tried to hurt without even thinking about it. Triggered by years of living in the streets, where he had to think quick and act right away, and then suffer the consequences. If he wasn’t fast enough, it could be the end of him... 

A gut reaction triggered by years of being all on his own, having to fend for himself. His brain went into overdrive, “hurt” is what it set into motion. 

“You’re not my mom !” 

And that was it...

As he saw your face fell, and his father’s face turn angry, he knew. He knew he messed up. He messed everything up, as usual !

“Jason !” 

Bruce called, but Jason wasn’t about to stop. He ran out of the cave, right to his bedroom. Oh, oh but if only he stayed a little longer. He’d realize that his father wasn’t angry, just hurt as well. 

Hurt to see the woman he loved being hurt. 

Not angry. Ah but being in pain could sometimes look like you are mad ? And Bruce hadn't been able to hide his frown as he heard Jason’s words... 

“Let him be, Bruce.” 

You say in a weak voice. You knew Jason, you knew sometimes he needed to cool down on his own. That he could be impulsive, but always came around. 

Ah. But that time, he needed everything but to be alone. 

Because, as he thought he ruined his one chance at having a real family, he thought... 

“Better to leave before they throw me away !” 

He knew he could never bear to face you and Bruce, as you’d certainly tell him you were “un-adopting” him. Jason saw it happened before. Someone thinking their adopted kid was “too much”, and sending them back. 

It was awful, of course. But it happened. For real. And Jason knew that life could really suck...But her couldn’t bear to face you as you’d send him away. 

Worst, what if you just send Alfred and that was it ?

No. Jason would leave before you could do that. He couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t. 

Filling his backpack with some clothes, and snacks, he opened his window and slid down the gutter all the way to the ground, and then ran away into the night. Tears trailing down behind him, as he left behind the one place in which he ever felt safe, warm, and loved. 

In the meantime, you and Bruce were unaware of that, and slowly falling asleep in each others’ arms... As usual, Bruce was there for you. 

************

“Jason ? I thought I wouldn’t see you anymore after you got adopted by dem fancy fellas. Are you here to get some work ?” 

“No.” 

“Really, why did you come then ?” 

“I didn’t, I’m just passing by.” 

“Nah, don’t believe it. Once a bad boy, always a bad boy !” 

“TAKE IT BACK !” 

As he ran away, Jason went back to a place he thought he never would need to. A few intricate alleys, in the Bowery, under the main city. 

The Bowery, a filthy underground neighborhood, hell on Earth for many. Although things did improve when Batman started his work a few years back. 

“Wow there tiger, relax.” 

Jason came in this specific area for only one thing. Retrieve a few items he left behind, thinking he would never need it again because he was leaving behind this life. 

He had a hideout, not far. In which he hid some materials to survive in the streets. He thought he probably had to go back to stealing cars’ tires...Although maybe he should change it. Thinking of what happened last time he did this hurt his heart. 

He knew that next time he’d get caught stealing tires, the person wouldn’t end up adopting him...Anyway, he didn’t want any other parents but you and Bruce. 

And he messed that up so bad, by being so mean to you ! 

“Listen, it’s not because you got all fancy schmancy that you can talk to me like that. Remember who’s boss in this part of town.” 

Batman did a lot of good to the city, but also, by getting rid of some big players in the “crime business”, he allowed small time thugs to climb up the ladders...It felt, at times, like there always was someone to replace whoever Bruce just put behind bars... 

The man who was talking to Jason, used to be a small time criminal. Turned boss, when the Batman kept arresting all the people above him. Jason used to “work” for him, bringing him watches or jewelry that he’d exchange against cash. 

Damn. He never thought he’d ever see him again... Oh and he definitely didn’t think this through. 

As the new boss, who’s name was Johnny Clancy, told him that he’d forever be a “bad boy”, Jason saw red and...getting mad at a crime boss was a bad idea. 

Before he could even think about an escape plan, Jason was surrounded by dangerous armed men. 

“How dare you talk to me like that ? Mmm. The Waynes adopted you right ? Mmm. They’re loaded. Probably would pay a fortune to get you back uh ? And to think they’re gonna give me a lot of cash to get a little runaway brat back haha. Because that’s what you did right ? You ran away ? As you always did before mm ? You know, I observed you Jason Todd. I saw you run away from anyone getting close. I saw you.” 

Jason’s heart didn’t need anyone to push and squiggle the knife he felt in around some more. He had just lost his family. Did he need more reminder that he always fucked up ?! 

“They won’t give you any money, they don’t want me anymore...” 

But Johnny didn’t believe him, of course. He told two of his thugs to grab the boy, but Jason, by instinct, dropped them to the floor with a few well placed kicks and punches. 

And that was enough to unleash Johnny Clancy’s wrath.

See, he was a new boss. He had to assert dominance. And an eight years old kid making a fool of him and his gang ? That wouldn’t go. 

So what if he had to off a child ? Anything to keep climbing up, and leave the Bowery’s slums. 

************

“Have you seen Jason ?” 

Bruce asks you, a few hours after your fight with him. 

“What ? No, I thought he was with you ?”

“No, he skipped his training and I thought he might be with you, apologizing for what he said yesterday ? You know, sounds like something he would do.” 

“I haven’t seen him since, you know. I thought he was avoiding me...” 

“He would never.” 

“Bruce...” 

“He would never, my love. I know what he said hurt you, but I’m sure he’s regretting it right now. You should go see him, he’s probably sulking in his bedroom. I wouldn’t be surprised if you meet him up the stairs as he comes down to say sorry.” 

“Bruce...” 

Your husband comes to you, and takes your hands in his. 

“You know him. He’s impulsive, and a little abrasive sometimes. But he’s a sweet child. And he regrets his bursts, you know it. Tonight was just tough, we both scolded him, he’s not used to it.” 

“You’re right.” 

“Of course I am, I’m-”

“I swear to God if you say “I’m Batman” I’m going to smack you.” 

Bruce smiles softly at you, glad he managed to at least made the tension go away a little. He pecks your lips quickly, and watches you as you leave to go to your son’s bedroom. 

He was about to go down the Batcave, when you came back, panicked : 

“He’s gone ! Jason’s gone !” 

Ah. Bruce knew that placing a tracker in his children’s molars was a good idea. 

************

“HOW HARD IS IT TO CATCH A FUCKING KID ?!” 

Jason runs as fast as he can, without looking back. He managed to break the line of thugs coming at him, and escape in-between to of them who didn’t pull their guns out quite yet. 

They were shooting at him. With no hesitation. 

Johnny was set on proving he was an unscrupulous boss. To earn everyone’s respect. So what if he had to shoot a kid ? It’d send everyone a message. He’d back off from nothing ! 

Jason turned in an alley and...Damn it ! He must’ve taken a wrong turn at some point, it had been a while, since he roamed the Bowery’s alleyways...

He was faced by a wall, stuck. And they quickly caught up to him. 

“Wooouh, you’re fast kid. And you’re sneaky. Too bad you’re such a brat, I bet you could be a nice addition to our-”

Johnny Clancy never finished his sentence. In fact, he never could properly speak after that night. After getting his jaw broken into a thousand pieces by the Batman’s fist. 

Bruce had come down from nowhere, with...you in his arms ?! 

This was the first time Jason saw you wear the costume he saw a few times in the Batcave. He thought you wore it only to go to the JLA’s watchtower, to hide your identity. Not that you could actually...fight ?! 

And wow, you definitely could hold your own ! You made a few disarming pass, taking the guns away from all the men before they could even react, and letting Bruce finish them off with well placed kicks and punches. 

Oh and that night, the Batman unleashed his rage and unforgiveness full force. How dare they touch his son ?! 

You didn’t have anything to envy from your husband either, however, as you worked through Johnny’s gang rather fast too. 

That night, the both of you exterminated (figure of speech, of course, neither of you ever killed, that was the one big rule...but there were never a rule against breaking a few bones) Johnny Clancy’s gang, who dared to even think of hurting your precious son. 

Jason, holding his backpack tight against him, couldn’t believe his eyes. You two came to save him ? But...why ? 

He messed up. You’d surely not want him around anymore ! 

Once Bruce dropped the last man, you rushed to Jason and before he could utter a sound, took him in your arms. 

“Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re safe baby, I’m so glad you’re...” 

Your voice broke at the end, and you chocked, the emotions too strong and squeezing your throat. 

Jason didn’t understand. And through his surprise, he managed to say : 

“I thought-I thought you’d never want to see me again, and that you wouldn’t want to be my mom anymore.” 

You hold him even tighter, as you feel Bruce get down on his knee and bring the both of you in his arms. 

“Oh sweety, never. Never.” 

You say, not letting go. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry...” 

Your son manage to choke out, before sobbing profusely and holding on to you and Bruce. 

“I’m just glad you’re safe...it’s ok, it’s ok it’s already forgotten...” 

And it was. As soon as you saw that Jason-That your SON, was missing, you forgot he ever told you “you’re not my mom”. You forgot and it truly didn’t matter anymore, as all you cared about was to find him, and make sure he was safe. 

“Jason, oh my little Jason, I’m so glad you’re safe...”

Wether it is a conscious things or not, he returns your embrace fiercely, holding tightly as he looks up at you. It almost feels like he wants to make sure you really are there. And won’t go anywhere. Like everyone else did in his life. 

Jason was tired of losing those close to him. Those he cared about. Sometimes, he’d push them away, by fear of getting attached again just for life to rip them away from him. So he held onto you, as you held him back. 

Tightly against your heart. 

“Mom...” 

This was the day Jason Todd realized something very important : He wasn’t alone anymore. He had parents who loved him, and he loved them back. 

So much. 

And they’d never let him go. Never. 

************

Years later, this love he had for you and Bruce, turned out to be the very reason he became “Red Hood”. 

From that day he told you : “you’re not my real mom !”, he felt like he belonged. Like finally, the people he loved loved him back. Like he was cherished. And then Bruce didn’t avenge him. He let Joker get away. And you let him do it. You, the people he trusted and loved most in the world, betrayed him...

He felt like he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth Bruce breaking his one rule to avenge him. He wasn’t worth it...He didn’t matter enough. 

Jason felt so angry. For years. He wanted to hurt you, to hurt Bruce. To show you what it felt like. What HE felt like. 

But Jason has always been a strong one. You knew it. You told him enough times : “you’re a fighter, my Jason. You went through so much, and always came out of it. You lost a lot on the way my little one, but you never give up. You never give up...” 

You never give up. 

Love. 

It’s what drove him to become the Red Hood. It’s what drove him over the edge. What gave him so much pain. 

Rather, the feeling of not being loved. The thought all you and Bruce said to him, about how much you cared and loved him, was a lie. 

Yes. The thought that you lied about loving him, is what broke him. What made him find every way possible to truly, truly hurt you two.

You never give up. 

He was so angry. But he never could quite give up on his family...that’s why he didn’t stay with the Al’ghuls. That why they didn’t keep him. 

He could never forget you and Bruce. Move on. 

He could never. 

Jason was a strong lad. Strong enough to see past his hate and need of revenge. His pain. His deep trauma. 

It took a while. But the change came from him. He’s the one that gave you another chance. And it allowed him to realize...nothing was a lie.

And you got your son back.

Because you showed him. You showed him nothing was a lie.

When his dad never gave up on him even as he killed more and more people, and even as Jason saw him completely erase people who used to be close from him as soon as they killed once. When you refused to let him go. When Bruce kept going back, even as he knew Jason would fight him and try to hurt him. When you pleaded with him, even when you knew his answer would be the same... 

Jason never gave up. 

But you didn’t either. 

“You’re not my mom”, are words he never meant. Not even once. Not even when he was the “old” Red Hood, the one that killed mercilessly any criminals, and that was trying to be exactly what Batman wasn’t. 

“You’re not my mom”, even at his worst, at a time he suffered greatly, Jason never meant it. He never did. 

And ultimately, it’s this filial love, and the love you and Bruce had for him, that brought him back out of the dark pit the Joker pushed him in...

TIM 

Tim knew that his overly pragmatic mind sometimes could make him sound tactless. That he had trouble, sometimes, expressing himself properly. 

He knew that what he said, although it could be the factual truth, could be perceived as not being very nice... 

He knew, yet sometimes, he couldn’t help himself. 

“But you’re not my mom.” 

He told you that day, as you asked when was the “mother/child day” at school. 

Tim’s school had a day each year, during which every mother would come and do different activities with their kids. You did it with Dick and Jason, and it was always great fun, and amazing bonding time. 

By then, Tim had been with you and Bruce for over a year now. And he did, see you as his mom. However, he was a little too set, at the time, on rules and specifics. In the “mother/child day” rulebook, it “specifically” said that the actual child’s mother had to come, not the nanny or anyone else. 

In Tim’s mind, although he did see you as his mom, he thought the school wouldn’t. For him, the way the rules were written, were clearly stating his birth mother had to come. And the official adoption papers were not processed yet. Those took quite a while. 

He had been living with you for over a year. He called you and Bruce “mom and dad”. He truly considered you two his parents. But the official papers were not done quite yet. So to him, in the eye of the law (be it a silly school rule), you weren’t his mom quite yet. 

So when he said : “but you’re not my mom”, that’s what he meant. Of course, you misunderstood...

How could you guess that Tim was thinking that only his “birth mother” could take him, because officially right now he didn’t have a mom, just “guardians”...

His mother was dead. Has been dead for a while, now. And even if she wasn’t, Tim knew she’d never come at this event...She wasn’t the caring type of mother. Not like you. Which is why it really bummed him out that those rules were so clearly stated like that !

What Tim misunderstood, is that this specific rule had been added to the rulebook because many family would send their nanny, or a big sister, instead of the mom. Because Tim was of course in Gotham’s Academy, full of rich families, in which the moms were very busy...

Which is why such a day existed. Some kids spend quality times with their mom only on this school day. Nowadays, everyone made an effort to come (the fact you appeared, the famed (Y/N) Wayne, a few years back, with Dick, and it made all the papers’ headlines, might’ve influenced others to participate too).

To tell the truth, Tim was very disappointed that you couldn’t go with him, and was considering asking the principle of the school to do an exception to the rule and allow you to go with him.  

He was already fomenting a plan in his head to convince the headmaster to let you come as his mom, and as usual when he was planning things out, he completely disconnected from reality. 

And therefor, didn’t see how your face “closed”, and your eyes turned sad. The boy was typing away on his computer, as if nothing had just happened, as if you didn’t feel your world crumble as he flat out told you you weren’t his mom...

Of course, it was all a misunderstanding. He meant it as “officially”. Not about his actual feelings. 

For some reason, the way he said it so nonchalantly hurts you more than when Dick and Jason yelled at you that you “weren't their mom”. Because at least, in your eldests’ cases, you knew it was in the heat of the moment. 

That it was because they felt frustrated and sad. 

But Tim just told you : “But you’re not my mom.” matter of factly, and moved on. And it hurt. 

It hurt so much, because that boy...You loved that boy, of course. And considered him your son for sure. Part of your heart, now. Part of your family. And he felt so far, right now...so far... 

You left the room and he didn’t even notice. 

Did he really not see you as his mom ? Was he just calling you “mom” to imitate his brothers ? ...You didn’t know, but it hurt. 

It hurt so much. 

************

You found Bruce in his office, doing some paperworks for Wayne Inc. When he saw your face, he immediately smiled, your presence lighting his whole world...But then he saw your expression, and he frowned. 

“What happened ?” 

************

“Mom ? MooOOooom ?” 

Tim had been looking for you for the past hour, but wasn’t able to find you. You weren't in all your favorite places ! Did you leave the Manor without telling him ? It was unlike you. 

Finally, he found you. You were in a room that was rarely used, but which was conveniently close to Bruce’s office, and had a couch. 

Laying on top of your husband, you were fast asleep as Bruce was going through his paperworks, letting you holding onto his waist as he kept working. 

When he saw the boy come in the room, he smiled at him. And it was hard, not to smile at Tim, seeing his own big wide smile. 

Tim was missing a few teeth, that fell not long ago, and it was absolutely the cutest, when he smiled widely. He looked so happy, eyes sparkly and genuine smile. It felt wrong to Bruce, to think that this sweet boy didn’t see you as his mom...

Maybe it was all a misunderstanding ? Wouldn’t be the first time. Although, Bruce knew how sometimes Tim could be brutally honest, and say the facts in a matter of factly way that could be very harsh on the uninitiated. 

Your son was holding a cardboard sheet almost as big as him, and looked very excited about something. He slowly approached you two, and said, whispering, yet the excitement was clear in his voice : 

“Has she been asleep for long, dad ?!” 

He called Bruce dad. Without an hesitation. And it felt so genuine. Like he was relishing in the word rolling off of his tongue. And it was often the case, with Tim. His parents, when they were still alive, never really noticed his presence... 

And sometimes, it could be even worst to have parents who acted as if you didn’t exist, than caring parents who passed away. Bruce realized this. 

“No, she just closed her eyes.” 

Bruce answers, looking at you. And oh he couldn’t possibly know how soft his expressions as as he gazed at your sleeping face. 

“Oh...” 

Tim was clearly disappointed. His shoulders fell down, and he looked on the floor, looking defeated.

“What is it, champ ?” 

“Well, I wanted her to-Oh ! Mom !” 

The rumbling of your husband’s chest as he spoke is what woke you up. Not the actual sound of their voices, just that low vibrations reverberating in his chest. 

You opened one eye, then the second, and was greeted by your youngest son’s face being very close to you. As Tim saw you were waking up, he kneeled down next to the couch, settling his piece of cardboard next to him, and approached you very closely. 

His smile and sweet expression filled your vision. And you felt even more hurt, as you saw him so happy to see you, to know he didn’t really think you were his mom. 

It was clear he cared for you. And loved you, and being with you. But to him...You weren’t his mom. And that was so painful. 

“I got a plan mom, I got a plan !” 

A...Plan ? For what ? You don’t even have time to ask him, and, still a little hazy as you just woke up from a short nap (that you took after crying exhausted you), you raise a little from your husband. 

You exchange a curious look with him, as you see Tim spring to his feet and get a hold of the piece of cardboard that is almost as tall and large as him. 

He turns it around and...

Your heart drops. 

It’s a lot of very detailed drawings, maps and words about...about...

“This is how we’re going to convince the headmaster of my school that you’re really my mom, even if officially you’re not yet !! I thought we could start with logic first, and then go down the path of pathos if he really doesn’t change his mind !” 

What ? Your brain is trying really hard to comprehend what’s happening, although it is starting to put two and two together. 

“The rules say that the mom HAS to be the one who comes, and the way they wrote it suggest that they wouldn’t accept someone who isn’t yet official. But I think we could convince that, in our heart, we’re already an official family, right ?!” 

Tim looks at you, and then at his dad, a little worry in his eyes (what if for them, he wasn’t their son yet because the paperworks weren’t finished and officials quite yet ?!?!). Bruce cannot help but smile, and nods, feeling his heart melt (a rare occurrence). 

And you. You have exactly the reaction he expected you’d have. You sit up, put the cardboard aside, and drag your son into a tight hug that makes him giggle and exclaim : 

“Hahaha mom wait I can’t breaaaathe !! Mom !!” 

But he hugs you back, knowing that this means yes, you do consider him your son already, paperworks or not, and you will probably follow his plan to convince the school to-

“Mom ? Why are you crying ? Mom ?” 

You can’t explain it to him. You feel silly, but also so emotional and touched. You thought he didn’t think of you as his mom. But he did. Oh he did, and was actually worried about technicalities of rules and...So sweet. That boy is so sweet. 

Carefully, Tim dries your tears, and look curiously at his dad, his eyes clearly asking : “Did I do something wrong ?”

You’re still unable to speak, as you hold onto him, and Bruce ruffles his son’s hair saying : 

“She’s just too happy, champ. She’s just too happy.” 

CASSANDRA

"You, not my mom !” 

She screamed. You never heard Cass raised her voice before. And yet, here, she screamed at you. And then closed her bedroom door right on your nose. 

And you felt it in your heart. That specific pain that you wished you’d never feel again. That kind of hurt you wished you’d never feel ever again. 

It happened just liked it did with Dick and Jason. You were “lecturing” her about putting herself in needless danger, and she felt frustrated at the fact you “didn’t trust her”. 

It wasn’t true of course. You did trust her. And you knew she could hold her own. Didn’t mean you wouldn’t worry, and scold her if she really scared you... 

It was pure instinct. You couldn’t stop yourself from telling them off when you felt they went too far. You did it with Bruce too. 

Once, he threw himself in the way of a bullet to save you, and once he recovered enough...Oh you were so mad at him. 

It’s not that you wanted to take that bullet, of course. You knew it was also instinct that made him move to save you. But in truth, you would rather take a thousand bullet than lose any of them. Bruce, or your children. 

And sometimes, it was hard for them to understand this. To get why you were so worried, when you accepted fully their night activities. 

Why you monitored the batcomputer, if it was to scold them when they put themselves in danger ? 

Ah but they didn’t understand that you only got “mad” when they put themselves in NEEDLESS danger. Pushing themselves too far that one night, being careless with something, ignoring their own safety to finish a task... 

You couldn’t help but be afraid. And your fear turned into you scolding them. And sometimes, on each sides, things boiled and...

“You, not my mom !” 

The meaning was clear. As Cass slammed her door right in your face, you knew not to push it further, not to tell her anything more. 

Maybe you should’ve ? Should’ve open her door, and continue lecturing her so she’d understand her life was valuable ? 

Cass put herself in danger more than any other member of your family, because she was raised as a weapon and thought of herself as an “expendable”. You weren’t mad at her for this, of course not (but oh, David Cain probably should never cross your path, it wasn’t pretty, when you were truly angry). 

You were just worried. And unfortunately, being a parent was complicated and sometimes, your worry turned a little overbearing for your kids. 

This was a mistake every normal caring parents made. Wanting what was best for their children, sometimes not realizing they’re going too far. And you ? Your family wasn’t normal. 

Your children were vigilantes. Your worries were tuned up to the max.  

Being a parent was hard. And sometimes, both you and your kids were frustrated. It happened. In any family. 

It was resolved rather fast, most of the time. A little conversation, understanding and indulgence, and boom. Sorted. 

However, there were times when things would go a little too far. Wether because one of you was tired, or didn’t feel well etc etc...

Tonight, was such a time. 

“You, not my mom !” 

Cass didn’t even register what she said. She was just mad and frustrated, and said the first thing that came into her mind. Her hand slammed the door shut before she could even think about it. 

And here you were. In the corridor. In front of your daughter’s door. 

Hurt. And feeling as devastated as you did when her brothers told you the same thing. You would think, after a few times of this happening, it’d be easier, right ? Well. No. It wasn’t. It really wasn’t. 

As usual in those instances, you went to seek comfort in the arms of your husband. 

************

Cassandra didn’t feel ok. 

In fact, she felt absolutely terrible. 

She couldn’t even remember the last time she felt that bad. 

When she went to look for you and apologize for her behavior, she found you in her dad’s arms, crying, and it made her run away...

She couldn’t face you, knowing she truly hurt you like that. 

The worst thing is, she knew she would hurt you by saying those words. Yet she still did it. It was as if she couldn’t control herself. It was like an ugly force took over her, and made her say those words. 

But she knew. She knew she’s the one who ultimately decided to say them. She’s the one that pronounced them. Under the anger. 

Anger. 

The ugly force. 

She turned around in her bed, holding onto the plush toy you gave her shortly after her arrival. You said “every child should have one” and that this one made you think of her. 

It was a fox with bright colors. And it still smelled like you. 

She was about to fall asleep, when she heard a knock on her door. 

“Can we come in ?” 

It was her older brothers. 

Dick, Jason and Tim. 

It was rare, to have them all in the same place nowadays, what with how busy they all were. Dick with Bludhäven, Jason with the gods only knew what really (the gods, and you and Bruce...but sshhh, that’s a secret), and Tim with college applications. 

So Cass immediately understood that they heard about the fight she had with their mom. 

And she felt a rush of shame come over her. She felt sad too, because maybe they’d be mad at her ?

Cassandra didn’t think she could bear to break your heart, and have her precious brothers mad at her all in the same day. 

She almost told them to leave. But she didn’t have the strength. 

They surrounded her, and their presence was so...soothing. 

And then they spoke. They each told her the story of the time they told their mom those few dreaded words. 

“You’re not my real mom !” 

They told her how awful they felt, and how they knew they hurt their mom. They told her that...well, they did have the best mom ever. 

You never held any grudge. Ever. Especially not against your own family. 

You never even mentioned again the fact they told you this awful thing, you never even mentioned once this, under any circumstances. 

Her brothers stayed with her for hours, talking about their feelings on the matter. Telling her it happened. That everyone wasn’t always on their best behavior...

It was hard, for Cass, to not be “good”. She did so many awful things when her biological father raised her to be a weapon, she felt like she had to catch up so much on those years of “badness”. 

She often felt like she was evil, and could never caught up to everything. Like she was doomed, and could never become good. 

On that, Jason told her she was wrong. That everyone could change, and no one was born truly evil. Environment, and the way you’re raised, matter. And what she did...wasn’t her fault. She was forced to. If she really enjoyed doing this she’d never become a Batgirl. She would never be part of this family. 

She often felt like she was a bad daughter. 

On that, Dick told her she was wrong. He too, felt like a bad son, when he “replaced” his parents with you and Bruce. He too, felt like a bad son when he would get so mad while you would do anything to make him happy. He too, felt like a bad son...on so many occasions. But he grew. And thanks to you mainly, he realized he was just human. Mistakes are human. And it’s not being a bad son, to sometimes feel so hurt that you lash out. That your trauma are so strong, things sometimes are tough. 

She often felt like she couldn’t fit in, and would never fit in. 

On that, Tim told her she was wrong. Him too, felt too different. He already had parents, they were alive, he just wanted to help, he didn’t have any friends...But in this family. In this family, everyone fitted in. Because you made it so. Bruce made it saw. You both accepted any flaws, and differences your kids might have. You loved them unconditionally, they all knew that by now. 

And Cass...Cass didn’t want to hurt you. 

They knew that, too.

It was an accident. In the heat of the moment. She didn’t mean it. Of course, you are her mom. Of course...

It felt good, to have her brothers there for her, when you couldn’t be. 

************

Later that night, after her brothers left, Cass slowly exits her room and take the known way to yours and Bruce’s. 

You are both there, and she knows her dad stayed because you felt bad. He always stayed with you, when you were feeling down. And vice versa.

Cass always told herself that, later, if she ever found a significant other, she’d want her and them to have the same kind of relationships than you. You and Bruce set up a rather high standard for whoever would come into her life. 

But that was another story. For now, she was opening the door slowly, scared of waking you up. But you were awake. 

Bruce was asleep, deeply. As usual when he felt your warmth against him. But you were not. Cass could see you slowly and absentmindedly caress your husband’s hair. It was soothing to both of you. His silky smooth dark hair were soft in between your fingers, and helped you get your mind off of the pain and focus on the sensation, while for him...Well, it put him asleep, when you did that. 

The door creaked a little, and you abruptly turned your head towards it, ready to fight and...You instantly recognize your daughter, even in the dark of the room. 

She doesn’t need to talk. You manage to roll over Bruce, who then by instinct roll too, and therefor you create a little spot for your daughter to climb in bed with you. 

You turn around in Bruce’s arms, and slowly wrap them around your middle, instead of your shoulders. You turn towards Cass, your back against Bruce’s chest, and tap the small spot you managed to create next to you. 

Cass understands, and climbs in, facing you. She lays her head on her arms, as you do the same. And then she mouthes : 

“Sorry mom...” 

And that’s all you needed. You gesture for your daughter to cuddle up close, and she does. By instinct, Bruce lets go one arm off of you, and grabs his kid to bring her closer. He is still asleep, but it wouldn’t surprise anyone that his subconscious holds onto the two most important women in his life like so. 

And there she is. Cass feels safe. And warm. And she hears your heart beat softly. And she knows it partly beats for her. 

And partly for Bruce. And partly for Dick. And partly for Jason. And Tim. And Damian. And Duke. And Alfred. 

It beats for your family. 

For her family.

Family. 

She has a family. 

And you are her mom. 

Her biological father never hugged her, never told her everything was going to be alright, never... 

Cass never felt safe and warm. 

Like she did, right now, held by both you and Bruce. 

“Family...”

She whispers, as she slowly falls asleep. And you’re the only mom she ever wants to have. You are, her real mom. Always have been, always will be. 

DAMIAN 

Damian didn’t really think this was a big deal, at first. 

Just like his father, he often made the mistake to think that people around him will simply understand his true meaning. 

When he told you : “You’re not even my real mom !”, he obviously didn’t mean it. He was angry because you told him he couldn’t go out on patrol for a few days, as he was grounded for skipping school and going to work on cases instead. 

“But school is boring, I already know everything ??” 

“It’s the principle of it, Damian. You can’t just do what you want whenever you want, this is not how it works. I don’t feel like we’re extremely strict parents, so when you betray our trusts like that, it has consequences.”

Bruce kept out of the argument, ready to jump in however if you needed him to affirm  that yes, actions have consequences and although you two are pretty lax with your son on many fronts, he still has to listen. You and Bruce made clear rules when you first adopted Dick, because you realized your lifestyle was anything but normal, but it didn’t mean your children could just do anything they wanted. 

Neither of you wanted them to turn into privileged little brats. Or to think they were above everything. And you were right, by skipping school so much, and lying about it, Damian did betray your trust. 

Understanding actions had consequences was a big step that took a while, with Damian. Unfortunately, he grew up in an environment that indeed taught him he could do whatever he wanted, no matter if he hurt people on the way... 

Unlearning all this, was tough. And you understood that. Which is why you let things go a lot, with him, and only slowly told him about things. Gradually teaching him about your values and principles. 

However sometimes, like in this case, you needed to be firm and strict, because otherwise he’d just keep doing it knowing it had no bad consequences, and you didn’t want him to simply not go to school anymore...School was important for his social development, you realized it as he made friends and...

And simply, an eleven years old kid couldn’t just roam around all day as he saw fit. That’s it. And so here you were, trying to explain this to him. And that’s when he said it. 

He scrunched up his nose like he always did when he was angry, and then, turning his head away from you, throwing his Robin boots at the back of the cave. 

“You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not even my real mom !” 

And then he bolted out of the Batcave, leaving you behind, with a broken heart and feeling guilty...What if he hates you, because you were too harsh on him ? 

Bruce, that night, did not go out on patrol either, and stayed with you. Of course, he did. 

************

The fact he still listened to you and didn’t go out, made him thought you knew he was just angry and didn’t mean a word of it. 

To him, it was so obvious he thought of you as his mom, and that he said this just because he wanted to have the last word, that he honestly didn’t think much of it. 

Sure he was frustrated and angry, just like any kid was when their parents said : “no” to them. But he didn't mean it... 

He didn’t really see you of the entire day. Finally, he decided to go see his father to ask him what was up. 

“Father ?”

“Yes ?”

“Is-is mom ok ?”

“Well, what do you think ?” 

“She doesn’t seem ok.” 

“Do you know why ?” 

“Did you do something to upset her ?” 

Normally, Bruce would feel vex at this statement. What, did he really do things to upset you that often ? Yes and now. Sometimes,  he would get on your nerve, and vice versa. It happened, in relationships.

But it was never anything major. Not anymore at least. Because now, when he had his “dark days” and could be a total jerk, you knew how to handle him. You knew not to take his bullshit. 

Yes. Normally, Bruce would pout like a child, at the fact his son thought that his mom was feeling down because of him. But not today. No. 

Because he knew that what made you sad, was something important.

Unfortunately, Damian inherited from him his bad habit of thinking others will understand his meaning. 

Like, when he tried to push you away at first so you wouldn't get involved in his crazy life, what he really wanted was for you to get closer...Or when he told you that he was fine at times, all he wanted was for you to hold him and take care of him etc etc...The first time he told you “I love you”, wasn’t with words, but by not going on patrol one night, to stay with you. And he thought you’d immediately understand that he truly loved you...Truth was, it wasn’t as obvious to you (or anyone really) than it was for him. 

And Damian had the same problem. Doing things that he thought would obviously tell his meaning, his real feelings, when really...No one but him would get it. 

Although you became quite good at deciphering your husband’s true intentions, you could still misinterpret things sometimes. 

And yesterday night, when you grounded your son and tried to teach him a life lesson...You definitely didn’t see that he didn’t mean what he said and just wanted the last word. For you, he was seriously meaning it. And that’s why you were avoiding him a little, because it was too hard to...to... 

Damian’s words truly hurt you. You often were scared he could never see you as his mom (even if he did call you mom now and clearly cared for you) because of how he grew up. You’d never give up on him, of course, but it didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt when he pushed you away or pretended to not care... 

Damian thought it was obvious, that his actions actually reflected how much you meant to him. That without you, he’d be lost and honestly wouldn’t want to live in a world where you weren’t. 

But it wasn’t obvious. 

Bruce sighed, and then smiled : 

“Since when is she acting odd ?” 

“This morning. She didn’t kiss me goodbye when she went to work !”

It felt like such a serious issue to your boy, in that instant, that Bruce wished you were there to see his reaction. You’d instantly know he didn’t mean it, when he said you weren’t his mom... 

But you couldn’t quite face him. You didn’t really avoid him or try to hurt him by not saying goodbye. Of course not, you were an adult, and you definitely knew that doing to others what was done to you is pointless, and mean. And why hurt someone the same way they hurt you ? You’re no better than them uh... 

“Can you think of anything that might’ve upset her ?” 

“I spilled my milk a little, but cleaned it after. I didn’t let Alfred do it like last time. I woke up a minute late, too. Jason hasn’t called in two days, but he was there yesterday afternoon. Dick said she messed up her pumpkin soup but he was just joking and she knows. Tim fell asleep at the breakfast table. You clinging to her this morning apparently made her late, I heard Alfred say it. Um...Cass um...Cass didn’t do anything bad really...None of those things sound like it would upset her though ! She really looked sad this morning, not like herself at all !” 

Bruce couldn’t help but smile. It was pretty cute, how Damian often acted as if he didn’t care about anything, yet no details would ever go past him. Especially not when it came to his family. He always noticed, when one of them felt down in any way, and tried to help (in his own way). 

Hell, he probably woke Tim up and told him to sleep more and take care of himself. Called Jason and told him to call his mom. Scolded Dick to not make this kind of jokes again. 

This was just the Damian that was privy only to them. A sweet child, who unfortunately often had trouble expressing his true feelings. 

Just like his father. 

Damian would often brag about his siblings, and how awesome they were, to his friends (notably to Jon, who didn’t have any siblings). But he’d never tell them right in front of their face. 

Bruce tried to help Damian see what was wrong, and said : 

“What about last night ?” 

“Ugh ? What about last n-OH !” 

Damian replayed the events in his head, and remembered his anger and frustration. But most importantly...What he told his mom. 

“I have to find mom ! Where is she ?!” 

Damian looked absolutely panicked, which was quite unlike him. Bruce answered : 

“She’s at work, she had a meeting with her editor. She should be back soon, though.” 

And on that note, Damian ran out to do god knew what, as Bruce shook his head and...Well, he just knew things would turn out alright. 

************

Alfred almost fainted, when he saw Damian tear off his beautiful flowers from his garden. He almost ran out, and had a very “get off my lawn !” moment...up until he realized that the boy was probably doing this for a reason. 

Oh. Oh his poor lilies.  

Hopefully, this really was for a good reason. A very good one. One so good, that it would stop him from strangling his grandkid, hopefully...

************

When you came home, Damian was waiting for you at the front door. He had a bunch of lilies in his hands (that you were pretty sure were from Alfred’s precious garden) and he looked absolutely frantic. 

He ran to you, almost threw the flowers in your arms, and yelled : 

“I’M SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN IT !! YOU ARE MY REAL MOM ! I WAS JUST ANGRY ! I’M SORRY !!” 

You were a little confused as to why he was yelling, but before you could continue he took a drawing out of his pocket and added : 

“THIS IS A DRAWING OF YOU ! I MADE IT FOR YOU !! YOU ARE MY MOM ! YOU REALLY ARE ! PLEASE FORGIVE ME !! I’M SORRY !! DO NOT BE MAD AT ME !!” 

Still confused as to why he was screaming, you bend down to look at him eye level, settled the flowers on the floor, and said : 

“It’s ok Damian. It’s ok. We all get frustrated sometimes...I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt, but it’s ok. It happens.” 

Damian’s face showed great relief, and he leaped into your arms, yelling : 

“I LOVE YOU !!” 

You winced as he screamed in your ear, and said : 

“Why are you yelling, little one ?” 

Damian took a step back from you and said : 

“BECAUSE I HAVE TROUBLE EXPRESSING MYSELF AND JASON TOLD ME THAT SAYING THINGS IN AN AGGRESSIVE WAY MIGHT HELP !! AND HE’S RIGHT !! I LOVE YOU !!”

Damian told you he loved you before, in certain moments. When he got really hurt, when you were really hurt, if he felt really sad...It was always a moment full of emotions. And it was still rather hard for him to say the words. 

It didn’t really surprise you that Jason would have such a technique. Yelling his feelings. Yep. Sounds like him alright. And it did seem like it worked for his little brother too. 

Only you and your close family would know, because you were the only ones to truly know him, but those two were more similar than others would think. And it wasn’t because they already killed before. Oh no. On the contrary. 

“I love you too, my little one...” 

You say, as he goes back for another hug, clearly relieved you’re not mad at him. From this day on, he swore to himself that he would really try to tell others’ what he truly felt, even if it meant yelling it at them. Because other wise...otherwise it’d create this sort of terrible situations, in which his mom thought he didn’t think of her as his mom ! 

He couldn’t have it, anymore. Many “I LOVE YOU !!” were heard in the Manor, from that point on. 

DUKE 

“You know you can tell me anything, right ?” 

Duke doesn’t know why this time, this made him snap. 

Today was the anniversary of when his parents got “jokerize”, it had been two years already...And not one step closer to cure them ! He was so frustrated, sad, and lost. And you noticed. 

Duke tend to try to keep things inside. Not that he didn’t want to bother anyone, more like he just thought he HAD to handle things himself. Like it would make him stronger, and therefor, he could protect those he cares about. 

He could protect them, unlike when he could do nothing but watch as his parents fell into madness...He couldn’t bear the thought of this happening to you, Bruce, or any member of this family ! Not again. 

He couldn’t bear it...

“You’re not even my mom ! Stop acting like you are !” 

Are the words he heard himself scream at you as you asked him if everything was ok, and if he needed to talk. As you were caring, once again, and he just couldn’t...he couldn’t stand it ! Not today.

Not today. 

He immediately saw on your face the way you shut down, and took one step behind. The way your face “closed”, and as you said : “I understand.” and left the room, your body stiff and your face inexpressive (which was very unlike you), Duke felt it. 

The guilt. 

Right away.

When those dreaded words were said by all your other kids, they were young. They were all under the age of ten, and the immediate consequences of their actions didn’t truly registered. 

But Duke. 

Duke was almost eighteen. And he knew. He knew he hurt you. 

He felt the need to run after you and apologized, but there was something stopping him. 

After all, it was true right, you weren’t his mom ! His mom was still alive, and she could be cured one day ! HE ALREADY HAVE A MOM ! 

So what if you always cooked him his favorite meal, or knew exactly what his favorite food was ? So what if you would go out of your way to grab his favorite burger from his favorite joints when you knew he felt down ? 

So what, if you were always there when he was sad ? Cheering him up with comfort food, kind words, and just your presence ? 

So what if you knew exactly what would make him feel better, which movie to put on to put a smile on his face ? 

So what, if you spend entire night right by his bedside when he got really hurt, or when he was sick ? 

So what if you’d listen to him at any time of the day or night, and always took time to give him your thoughts on the matter, and truly, truly listen to what he was saying instead of waiting for your turn to speak ? 

So what if you’d make him laugh, smile, feel loved, even as he felt so alone and isolated, especially after he discovered his powers ? 

So what if you never made him feel like he was different because of it ? 

So what if you opened your house’s door without a second thought for this unknown teenager who was also a meta ?!

So what...so what...so what if you obviously cared a lot, and if you...if you... 

He already had a mom. And she might get better one day. 

He couldn’t have two moms. 

...

...

Right ? 

What would happen when his parents would be cured ? Forget all his feelings for the Waynes ? So it’d be easier to pretend he wasn’t part of the family, right ? 

It would be easier. 

Yes. 

But it was too late. 

It was too late... 

He ran after you. Caught up with you in the corridor. Tears in his eyes, he said : 

“I’m sorry, please don’t go...”

And fell into your arms. Almost eighteen years old, yes, but still needed the support of a mother. Of his mother. 

And you were there. You’d always be there, no matter what happened in the future. And he needed you, especially in that moment of frustration, where he really missed his parents, and was starting to lose hope to ever find a cure... 

And you were there.

Who ever made a rule that you could have only one mom anyway, right ?

BRUCE 

They did tell him “you’re not my dad !” too. And for him, it was as terrible as for you. If not worst, on certain aspect. Especially since he had a hard times truly expressing his feelings more often than not. 

He knows how devastating it can feel. He knows it even more, because not only did he feel it as they told him “you’re not my dad !”, but he also felt it as he told Alfred “you’re not my dad !”. He knew the feelings from both sides. 

It enhanced everything. 

Of course, in general, Bruce always felt things more than anyone else around him. He was born like that. Hypersensitive. That’s why he worked so much on hiding his true feelings, and appearing detached and cold. 

It’s much easier, than to always being overemotional. Of course, it didn’t mean he felt nothing. On the contrary, he felt everything. He was just better, nowadays, at pretending he was okay. At pretending he didn’t care. 

Ah. But you existed. 

You. 

The only person that could always see through his bullshit, and know when he was lying and fake smiling. 

Between the two of you, there has always been something. Even before you were together. It was an irrational and irresistible attraction. 

An unbreakable bond. Always supporting each others. 

You have no idea how you’d live without him. And he couldn’t even fathom a world without you. It’s a world he wouldn’t like very much...  

Even during the worst times, and oh you went through a lot together, you knew at least...at least you’d have warm arms to fall asleep in. At least, you’d have each others. 

Bruce had known pain so strong he sometimes wished death would just take him away. And then you came in. Ready to put up with his shit, and to not give up on him even when he gave you every reason to. 

And oh, oh he gave you back everything times a thousand. You knew he’d never let you fall. Not alone. 

Whenever something hurtful as your children telling you two you weren’t their real parents happened...It’s when you truly realized how vital you were to each others. 

When you fell, Bruce was there to catch you. 

When he fell, you were there to catch him. 

Better to fall together, than to stand alone. 

__________________________________________________

And here we are :). I hope you liked it ? Don’t hesitate to leave a little feedback and reblog if you want to ^^. I’m a little afraid I disappointed y’all for some reasons haha. I couldn’t explain. Self-confidence crisis hahaha. I finished writing that late, and exhausted after a hard week, maybe it plays into account ? Anyway, I really do hope you enjoyed your time reading this :). And thanks for reading, of course ^^. 

[elf-osamu]

BUNGŌ STRAY DOGS CHARACTERS AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP W/ CLEVERNESS

ft. osamu, fyodor, shibusawa and ranpo

— a random analysis written by me 🤞🏻

a recurring topic in bsd is cleverness/intelligence and the consequences it can cause to those who, i say so for lack of better terms, “own” it. characters as osamu dazai, ranpo edogawa, fyodor dostoevskij and tatsuhiko shibusawa are perfect examples.

cleverness can be considered as a blessing, but also as a curse. generally, external people deem it as a positive thing, while for the “owners” it's an element that isolate them from the rest of humanity.

• ango sakaguchi has defined fyodor, osamu and shibusawa as “aliens”, numb and empty monsters who inspire dread due to their excessive knowledge.

• initially, ranpo believed that everyone saw what he deduced, he thought that his deductions were “normal” — this led him to feel misunderstood by the whole world, to believe that he was the problem because he couldn't understand the others.

cleverness is something almost worshipped, but it can create an incredible loneliness for those who are called “smart”, an apparently unbridgeable, inner void; the external world praises you and at the same time it fears you — the characters i mentioned before are defined as monsters, and this alienates them from society and from their own humanity. “if nobody understands me, perhaps it means that i'm the one who has something wrong. if i'm different from the rest of humanity, how can i expect to be understood and treated as their equal?”. for example, osamu is treated as a human being almost only by oda and atsushi, while the others don't understand him — mainly because instead of viewing him as a human, they perceive him as something else, a being with extraordinary abilities but distant from the others, a puzzle too complicated to be solved. and in the end, the underlying problem is precisely this: instead of including him, it's as if they were pushing him away because “a normal human being wouldn't behave in that way/wouldn't think those things”.

ranpo's alleged confidence is often called “arrogance”, a childish behaviour (i'd love to talk about how the word childish is seen as an insult, but it's better not to because otherwise i would disgress too much) of a capricious kid full of himself. aside from the fact that fukuzawa first told ranpo that he was an ability user and that he would become the greatest detective in the world, ranpo convinced himself that he had an ability because he didn't want to admit that he was “different”. convincing himself that he was an ability user, ranpo rationalized a part of himself that he otherwise wouldn't have known how to explain, logically speaking. everyone was amazed by ranpo's intellect, by his skill to deduce things with a simple, quick glance. however, for edogawa they were obvious observations (also because his parents wanted to raise him as an ordinary, “normal” person — i h4te to use this term but i hope you understand how i am using it). being an ability user was the most logical explanation: “if i have an ability, then everything makes sense! i'm not weird, i'm not different, i'm just like this because i have an ability!”. fukuzawa made him believe this because he didn't want to break the heart of what was then a child, a child who had wandered in the dark, alone, for too long. otherwise, ranpo would have felt even more isolated from the others, even further away from his humanity.

we tend to put the so-called geniuses on a pedistal unattainable for all other ordinary, banal human beings — when reality is very different from this: even if they are geniuses, their humanity is always there, within them.

fyodor stands out from the other two, mostly because he finds humans boring, too predictable in his eyes (same matter as shibusawa ig, even though he was bored with life itself and nothing could fill the void he felt) — while osamu is fascinated by them, he loves human beings, he finds them so interesting (in fact this is also why he is attracted, in some way, by chuuya, oda, kunikida and atsushi - they are vital people, with a strong sense of justice, full of strong emotions and desires, and dazai is almost fascinated by them. being close to them, he wants to observe and understand their essence, what leads them to feel this contagious vitality).

needless to say, they don't realize they're human too.

speaking of osamu, i open a parenthesis. we are used to thinking of him as a morally gray character, however (although it may not seem like it) he's trying to improve, he's trying to align himself with the morally right current of thought. he himself has stated that he no longer likes to use dishonest and unjust methods (“playing dirty”) and that he does so only when strictly necessary (as the above panel demonstrates). and this thing is sad, sad because sometimes he uses his body to get to his (and ada's) goals and help others (i guess they taught him that in the port m4fia when he was a kid, same thing goes for kyōka), because he acknowledges he was wrong but he doesn't know how to change completely. osamu recognizes the pain he caused to, for example, ryūnosuke akutagawa (this can be seen when atsushi found out that the headmaster was looking for him - osamu projected himself onto the headmaster figure, because he noticed the similarities they had his relationship with atsushi and what he (dazai) had with akutagawa. during that episode/chapters, he was trying to understand - not justify - what led the headmaster to treat atsushi like that, because he wanted to relieve his guilty conscience. also, it was dazai who recognized atsushi's trauma and validated it), however he never found the strength to face his mistakes, his past.

this last speech is soo confused i'm sorry :") + i'm not excusing his actions.

[ilikekidsshows]

You know, for all I made a crack about adult characters learning kid-friendly lessons, I do actually believe that, unless a piece of media is trying to make a point about it, the age of its characters is irrelevant to the plot. The plot is the number one priority of any story. Character personalities are decided based on the demands of the plot or what might be used to create plots in the future, and the characters are exactly as competent as the story demands. In fiction, age is only surface-level, especially in kids’ fiction. The younger a child is, the less of a grasp they have on the concept of age and how ability relates to age. To elaborate, kids will notice the difference between “child” and “adult” and, while they’ll get more nuance to the divide between those two things, the intricacies of how adults can have different experiences might escape them until they are well into adulthood themselves. Basically, kids will learn to grasp the concept of “teenager” well before they do “young adult”. Adulthood is an unknown to kids, so they’ll try to understand it through their own experiences.

In fiction, however, not even the distinction between child and adult necessarily matters. Fictional kids can be capable of things adults might struggle with, they can be geniuses, have incredible skill and be even more mature than the adults in that same piece of media. Similarly, fictional adults’ struggles with fears and insecurities are not necessarily rooted in deeply-seated trauma, but a simple lack of understanding of their own abilities, and will sometimes just need some affirmation to get over any emotional issues. This show and many like it, with a “lesson of the episode” format, will indeed have characters of varying ages struggle with easily-explained and solved problems specifically so that a single problem creates a single theme for a single episode.

So, basically, I will not be too bothered by grown adults acting childishly in children’s media, it’s funny for kids to see adults sink to their level so it even makes sense from an entertainment standpoint. The reverse holds true for child characters, however. Kids love to see child characters, who they are likely to project onto, be brave, strong and competent. A child character who’s the only one acting childishly in a cast of competent adults is very likely to be viewed as annoying by kid audiences because, to them, that character is the only one not doing cool things or will be shown doing less cool things than the adults when they solve problems in a way that’s more “realistic” for a child. For example, one of the least liked parts of The Real Ghostbusters TV series was in fact the child team “Junior Ghostbusters”, who were the latter type of kid character where they were trying to be helpful while not being as cool as the adult cast.

So yeah, not looking at ages but merely personalities, the problem of being afraid of the dark was the most likely to suit Ram Man out of the He-Man cast. He’s proud and earnest, but tends to get stuck on things, so him being stuck on a bad experience and trying to hide it in fear that the others would look down on him makes sense. He’s very dedicated to the group and holds himself to a high moral standing, so being viewed as a coward by his friends and allies was the thing that ultimately scared him more than the dark, which is why his fear stressed him out so much in addition to him just being scared.

[babymetaldoll]

So happy together II (Spencer Reid / Reader)

Requested: Yes

Warnings: Frustration and cursing.

Category: Fluff

Summary: After years in the making, Spencer finally asked Reader out, just to bump into reality. They work at the BAU, and psychopaths don’t have a schedule.

Pairing: Spencer Reid / Reader

Word count: 2,1K

A/N: Seriously guys, thank you for all the nice comments 🖤  and thank you for requesting part two!!

Part 1

Masterlist

.Here’s the thing about the BAU. It’s a great job, with amazing people, that helps saving lives across the country.

But it doesn’t let you have an everyday life. And less, having dates. Including the date you’ve been waiting for years.

- We’ve got a case

Spencer was on his way to pick up (Y/N) for dinner when he got the text and nearly smashed the phone against the ground.

He knew it wasn’t Penelope’s fault to ruin his evening. She had no idea what she had gotten in the middle of. If she had known, it was most likely she would have caught the unsub by herself, just to let Reid and (Y/N) have their first date in peace.

But no.

Spencer felt a weird mix of anger, frustration, and… relief. Sure, he wanted to go out on a date with the girl he had been in love with for years. Years. What kind of person loves someone for years and never acts on it because of the deepest fear of rejection? Spencer Walter Reid.

But after he asked her out, and after miraculously she said yes, Spencer had no idea what was going to happen. And that was killing him. Statistically, he knew 76% of friendships could end up in a relationship, and 29% of those, in marriage. But he also knew just 51% got their best friend back when things went sour.

That was what scared him the most. Losing his best friend.

Besides, there was something else bothering him. He had no idea what he was doing. He had never been into a relationship. A real one. He had had one girlfriend for a few months when he was in college, and that was it. He didn’t need statistics to know he was most likely to fuck things up. Sure, he had been out on dates in the latest years, but none of those counted as a relationship.

Spencer Reid was looking for reasons to freak out. And he had plenty. He held his phone tight for a few seconds. There was no other way. He had to go to the BAU. 

- “Fuck you!!”- (Y/N) yelled as soon as she read the text from work. She was walking out of the bathroom, ready to go out on the date she had waited for years. And a psychopath had to ruin it all.

Of all days, of all nights, did it have to be that one?

(Y/N) had barely slept the night before. That’s how excited she was about her date with Reid. She even got a new dress. Sure, she was scared things wouldn’t work out, she had been afraid of that for years, but since (Y/N) heard him say “Doyouwannagooutwithme,” she couldn’t wait.

There was so much she wanted to do with Reid. Hold his hand, kiss him until her lips were numb, spend a whole day naked in bed with him. Wrap her arms around him and feel him doing the same as she buried her face against his chest. There was too much love in her heart, and she needed to express it once for all.

That until a psychopath decided it was time to make her life a little worse.

- “Raincheck?”- Spencer texted her, and she just sighed. It was sweet that he texted though she knew he hated it. 

- “We are doomed” 

.

- “There’s been a double homicide and child abduction in Wichita”- Aaron announced, but Reid wasn’t actually listening. His eyes were analyzing (Y/N) ’s face across the table. She looked different that day. Maybe it was his imagination, but he swore she had never looked more beautiful. And her beauty was now a magnet for him.

- “Reid?”- Aaron asked and forced him to wake up from his thoughts- “When we get there, I need you and (Y/N) to go talk with the forensic. We need to know everything you can get from the last victim’s body.”

Reid nodded and immediately met her eyes. She just cut him a small smile and blushed. At least they were going to spend some time together.

.

- “Hey”- (Y/N) whispered and sat next to Reid in the jet- How are you?

- “Good, you?”

- “Sleepy…”

- “Do you want me to go get you some coffee?”- it was impossible not to melt at those words. She smiled sweetly at him and shook her head.

- “I’m ok. Do you wanna go through the case files with me?”- that isn’t an exciting invitation: reading about dead people, crime scenes, and police records, except when it’s an invitation made by the one person you love.

Spencer smiled and (Y/N) moved a little closer to him. Closer, so his leg touched hers, and he felt the warmth of her bared skin. Maybe she had worn a skirt on purpose. His hands started sweating in a second. It was weird how he felt he couldn’t control himself around her anymore after just asking her out. They hadn’t been out yet, and now all he could think of was holding her and kiss her.

(Y/N) had problems concentrating, but she knew she had to. All she could see were Spencer’s lips parting, and the way he ran his tongue through them was probably illegal in many states. Besides, the way he raised his eyes to her each time he finished reading a page… he couldn’t look so good for someone who was reading about two men decapitated.

- “Reid?”- Morgan kept chuckling, as he noticed the moment between Spencer and (Y/N)- “Hey! kid!”  

- “Sorry, what?”- Derek shook his head, and Spencer knew right away what his friend was thinking- “So? no random fact about decapitation?”

- “Well… contrary to popular belief, decapitation is not that easy”- Derek asked for random, and random is what he got, ‘cos that was the first and only thing Spencer could come up with at that moment.

- “You don’t often hear “popular” and “decapitation” in the same sentence”- Rossi added and continued reading the files.

.

Despite the fact they were dealing with a hard case and that their heads were focused entirely on it, (Y/N) and Spencer managed to spend a little time together the three days they spent in Wichita. They would get coffee together in the morning and bring cupcakes to the team. 

Hotch was nice enough to set them together most of the time. They had no idea it was Aaron’s way to push them together. They even walked back to the hotel together once, just talking about all the silly random things they would always talk about. Just that now they would just stare in silence every once in a while. Both of them thinking about how it would feel to kiss. It was like their lips were calling each other.

And all just from one “Doyouwanngooutwithme”

.

The case was finally solved - luckily, it only took three days, for a moment (Y/N) thought it was going to take forever- and they were all on the jet again, ready to go back home.

Everybody was exhausted and in silence, most of them sleeping. (Y/N) made herself a cup of tea and sat alone at the back of the plane. It was hard each time they closed a case, ‘cos taking their minds off from all the darkness and murder wasn’t easy. Every time they traveled back home, she had a list of things to think about. All the things that made her happy. Her cat, her little nephew, to walk Lizzy with Reid, talk with Reid, laugh with Reid, watch movies with Reid.

It was time to face it: Reid was her list. He was the one person that could always make her happy.

- “Hey, what are you thinking?”- and speak of the devil, Reid sat next to her and smiled sweetly.

- “I was just… trying not to think about the case anymore”- technically, she wasn’t lying- “And you? what are you reading?”

Spencer sighed and showed her “The complete fiction of HP Lovecraft,” the book she had given him a few weeks ago, out of the blue, just because she loved the author and… and Reid.

- “Nice, how many times have you read it in these few days”

- “Five…”

There were many, many things Spencer could have added to that simple word. But he couldn’t, his brain shut off. There they were, the lips he wanted to kiss (and bite), smiling back at him. He couldn’t think. 

- “So… too bad we couldn’t go out for dinner”- (Y/N) felt a little embarrassed to bring it up. Still, someone had to do it anyway. They had danced around the subject those days, just smiling and blushing when they were together.

- “Yeah… too bad… I had reservations at this amazing place”- Reid felt like a dork after hearing himself, but he couldn’t just unsay it.

- “Yeah, well… anyway…”- and so, again, they just stared.

- “Doyouwannagofordinnerwithmewhenwegethome?”- and though he was whispering and slurring at the same time, (Y/N) managed to hear and understand what he was trying to say.

- “Now?”

- “Yeah… I know it’s late, but I know this great place...”

- “We are not eating chicken tandoori again”- she answered immediately- “You’ve dragged me to that place twenty-two times in the latest years… and before you ask, no, I didn’t count them, I’m just trying to make a point”

He smiled and nodded. There had been sixteen times, he knew it, but for once, he thought it wasn’t necessary to add that fact.

.

Paperwork was done and ready around ten. And though they were exhausted, both (Y/N) and Spencer were excited about their date. Only one detail. Spencer was nowhere to be seen.

- “Are you coming, (Y/N)?”- Prentiss asked as she walked to the elevator

- “Yeah, in a second, I just have to... “- and the phone on her desk rang

- “See you tomorrow, I guess!”- Emily waved and disappeared.

- “Hello?”

- “S.S.A. (Y/N) (Y/L/N), there’s someone here looking for you”- the call was coming from the front desk.

- “Who?”- that was new

- “Doctor Spencer Reid, he says he is here to pick you up for your date”- (Y/N) just giggled nervously and said she’ll be right there. She was drained after the case, and she didn’t look half as hot as she did on the dress she had gotten for their official date, but she was going to go out with Spencer, and that was what really mattered.

The elevator didn’t take her to the first floor fast enough, and she would have run over if she hadn’t felt her knees weaken.

Spencer Reid felt like a dork, but he was a happy dork. He had managed to call a florist’s, and they delivered a dedicated bouquet of (Y/N) ’s favorite flowers just on time. He was waiting for her standing in the middle of the lobby, smiling and looking straight at the elevator door. His heart just skipped a beat when he saw her walking over, slower than usual. She wanted to run to him, but she didn’t trust her legs. She had never been more nervous on a date before. 

- “Hi”- she whispered and giggled as she stood in front of him

- “Hi”- both of them let out a sigh and smiled at each other

- “The call was a nice touch”- (Y/N) said and turned to the front desk. The receptionist smiled and waved.

- “I had to make it an official date, even when we are here, which reminds me, these are for you”- Spencer was smoother than he realized, ‘cos (Y/N) was nearly melting at each one of his words.

- “Thank you”

- “So, ready to go?”- she nodded and held his arm as they walked- “Wait, there is just one thing I need to do before we leave”- Spencer stopped walking suddenly and (Y/N) looked a little confused

- “Did you forget something back at your desk?”

- “No, I just”- but he didn’t say another word. He just cupped her face with both hands and sweetly kissed her. (Y/N) held her breath in shock. Spencer was kissing her. Spencer Reid was kissing her. It was actually happening. 

His lips rubbed hers slowly as she reciprocated the kiss. It felt sweet and warm and tender, though slowly, as the kiss deepened, they could feel the passion hidden in them.

Despite the fact neither of them wanted to, they slowly moved apart and sighed. Reid rested his forehead on hers and closed his eyes for a second, trying to put himself together. That kiss got him higher than Dilaudid had ever done.

- “I didn’t see that coming”- she whispered and giggled

- “I’m sorry”- he whispered, feeling embarrassed

- “Don’t be”

- “I just knew I wasn’t going to focus on anything else but kissing you for the rest of the night… so I thought it was better to do it right now”

- “It was a good idea, I was going to do the same… so… dinner”- (Y/N) smiled at Spencer and held his hand tight. He nodded and started walking. But she stooped him

- “What is it?”- but instead of talking, she just kissed him again, and this time, she wrapped his arms around her tight.

- “Ok, now I’m ready.”

Taglist:

@shilohpug

[sirthisisa-wendys]

Irreplaceable Things: Geto Suguru x Fem!Reader

synopsis: You’ve both failed to take simple precautions; now you’re the one paying the price. 

words: 1930

tw: unplanned pregnancy, thoughts of abortion. 

The stick clatters to the tile floor. Your shaking hands reach down to pick it up again, and you’re hoping that the results might change in the time you lift it from the cold, unforgiving ground and up to your eyes. But they’re the same as before, plain as day. 

“Oh, god…” You whisper, feeling the strength leave your bones. It was only a matter of time before things began to unravel, and the endless options to solve the problem you faced were in front of you. But before you can even consider the tamest of options, you hear the door to the bathroom open, and you tuck the stick into an empty pocket of your backpack. For now, you would go out and train as if you didn’t find out the most important information of your life thus far. No one would suspect your circumstances had changed - things had changed drastically - and somehow you would convince them that the only thing they had to worry about were where their next recommendations were coming from. Once you exit the stall, you check your appearance as you wash your hands, then leave without acknowledging the other woman standing at the sink. 

The nausea, the moodiness, hell, the tender breasts were all signs that pointed toward the suspicion that you were in trouble. After briefly mentioning the issue to Shoko, she tossed the pregnancy test at you, along with three condoms. 

“I’m surprised either of you went without protection considering --” Shoko cut herself off, turning to rummage around in her dresser drawer and handing you a drawstring bag. “Just don’t let anyone see you with those.” 

You had been irresponsible. Paying the price was all you could do now, whether it meant you would carry the child to term and be kicked out of Jujutsu Tech, or you would--

“You took forever in the bathroom,” Satoru whined, dropping his shoulders. “I almost left for lunch without you.” You know that the threat was half-assed. If Satoru showed up to lunch without you in tow, Suguru would throw a fit. And even the blue-eyed man walking ahead of you wasn’t in the mood to fight with him. Yet. 

Thoughts of a child swirl around your mind as you follow Gojo to the restaurant. You can’t focus on anything else, and you wonder if you should tell Suguru, or if you should keep it to yourself like you want to. 

“I’m not going to ask why you’re so quiet,” Gojo tosses over his shoulder casually. “But if it has anything to do with the way my ass looks in these pants, I want you to keep it to yourself.” You choke out a laugh, momentarily forgetting your troubles, but you don’t catch Satoru’s relieved smile as you wipe away tears from your eyes. 

Before long, the restaurant appears and the both of you go inside, instantly greeted by the warm welcome of the staff members. When you spot the familiar half bun in the crowd of people, you point it out to Gojo, then make your way over to them. 

The closer you get, the more your feet drag against the cheap red carpet. A strong urge to tuck your tail and run washes over you, but you know that wouldn’t make anything easier. Suguru stands to greet you with a tender kiss, pressing his hand against your lower back before pulling out your seat beside him. 

“We thought you’d never show,” Shoko sighed, shuffling her menu on the table. 

“Y/n took ages in the bathroom. I was sure she flushed herself down the toilet,” Gojo gripes and Geto snorts in response. You catch the knowing glance from Shoko over your menu, but you don’t acknowledge it. You just look back to the words on the menu, the words blurring and losing shape the longer you stare. 

When the waitress comes around, you still don't know what to eat, and in your moment of indecision, Geto orders for you. 

“We’ll split it,” he murmurs, placing a hand on your thigh. “Gojo, you said something about losing your dorm room key today?” 

As the two banter back and forth about the case of the missing key, your thoughts overwhelm you again. You stare off into space and consider your options: for one, you could go to your town and to the clinic should you need this taken care of. Or you could tough it out. Adoption was an option, but that meant you would have to carry it to term, but it would be the safest thing to do… No child would be safe having two sorcerer parents who were always getting into trouble. 

The food arrives without fanfare or flourish, and while Suguru divides the lobster and rice into halves, your stomach lurches. You place a hand on his arm, and he looks up, pausing mid-cut. 

“I think I’ve lost my appetite.” 

The admission makes Suguru frown. He presses his lips together and places the utensils back on the table. 

“Do you want to go back to campus?” 

“I don’t want you to have to wait to eat,” you reason, standing up from the table quickly. “I think I’m going to go lay down for a little bit. Feeling kind of woozy.” Before Suguru can argue with you, you grab your bag and leave, rushing out into the stale fall air. You try to walk as fast as you can back to campus, avoiding your rushing thoughts like the cars passing by, but to no avail. When you get back to your dorm, you throw open the door and toss your backpack onto your bed, fishing out the stick once more, hands trembling in fear.

“Please be a joke, please be a joke…” you mutter, flipping the damned plastic thing over.  

The two lines had faded a bit, but it was still painfully obvious that the verdict was in. After dropping the stick on your desk, you go into the bathroom and pull up your uniform shirt, feeling the fabric crumple under your fingers. Sticking a hand down your skirt and to your abdomen, you seek the evidence of anything with your fingers, but find nothing except tender skin. It would take some time, but if the test was right, you’d feel signs of growth within a few months. You don’t have time like that. 

It’s either being a jujutsu sorcerer or being a mother. 

There’s no compromise. No ‘and’s. The next thought dawns on you as if someone opened a window and let fresh air in. 

You could move out. 

You could leave Jujutsu Tech without a word, without any fuss, and go back home. With some convincing, your family would understand. They wouldn’t be upset. You don’t think about Suguru as you pack your clothes in a hurry, tossing them onto your desk and then stuffing them into a large suitcase that brought your things here in the first place. You can only make one trip, you reason, so you have to leave the non-essential things behind. Only take what’s irreplaceable. 

It’s only when you’re rummaging through your tshirts that you happen across three of Suguru’s shirts, neatly stacked and waiting for someone to wear them. You consider leaving them behind as a final goodbye instead of a note or a text. But another part of you wants to take them, wants to feel the cloth that touched his skin resting against yours and engulfing your frame. You want something to remember him by; something that you can look at and remember all of the good memories at Jujutsu Tech… 

You press a shirt to your face and inhale the freshwater scent of Suguru’s cologne. It was just as fresh as the first day you two had met. Without warning, you feel tears slip out of your eyes and run down your cheeks in rapid succession. You couldn’t tell Su goodbye. Not when he would beg you to stay and make it work and push you to stay by his side. You couldn’t cripple him like that and make an even bigger target for his enemies to aim at. 

Conversation outside of your door reminds you that time is running out and fast. No doubt Suguru was on his way to confront you about your sudden exit, and you would need to be gone before his bulky frame walked through the door. There were no other options. 

With a grunt, you wipe your tears away and press his shirts into your overflowing suitcase. The flap won’t even close correctly as you try to press on it and zip it, but you fail miserably. Tears of frustration leak out of your eyes this time, and you jerk the zipper back and forth, trying to dislodge the item of clothing that caught the contraption. 

Heavy footsteps are making their way toward you and you know time is up. You’re caught before anyone even opens the door, but you still try to get the suitcase closed. As the door unlocks, the zipper breaks, and you’re left with an overfilled suitcase and three very confused sorcerers standing in the doorway. 

“Y/n? What are you doing?” You turn to see Geto, Shoko, and Gojo all standing in the doorway, Suguru’s right hand holding the leftovers from the restaurant. 

“I…” The words won’t come out. 

“Gojo, let’s let them talk.” Shoko pushes the sullen white-haired man off to his dorm, realizing what the fuss is about before anyone can utter another word.

Suguru still stands in the doorway, brows furrowing. “You’re packing.” The statement is met with more tears and he looks down the hallway before entering and shutting the door, placing the food on the counter. Without words, he examines the mess around the room, noticing the haphazardness of the scene. He picks up a few items of clothing from the floor and walks around with his hands behind his back before stopping in front of you and cupping your face between his palms. “Tell me.” 

“I can’t,” you croak, wetting his fingers with your tears. 

“Don’t start keeping secrets from me now, kitten. What’s got you so worked up?” The tenderness of his voice breaks your resolve, and you slide your eyes over to the desk where a pile of clothes sit on top of your shame. Suguru notices and removes his hands from your face. As he removes your clothes and puts them on the chair, the stick slides off of the desk and hits the floor again. 

I could run for it right now, you think. But your limbs don’t move an inch, and Geto doesn’t need to bend over to take a closer look at the stick. He already knows what’s taken place by the fact that it resides within the four walls of your room. 

“Is it mine?” he whispers, staring at the white thing blankly. 

“Of course,” you reply, hands creeping toward your abdomen. “There’s been no one but you for the past year.” He pauses, wringing his hands carefully. 

“And we’re keeping it,” he states, but it felt more like a question to you. 

“If that’s what you want.” Before you can blink, he advances toward you and presses his lips against yours, holding you close. When you break the kiss, Suguru nudges your nose with his, running a hand up and down your back. “But how--” 

“Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out.” You relax into his embrace, feeling the warmth of his body against yours. “I’ll protect you like I’ve always done. And I’ll protect our child.”