#if anyone in the notes starts talking about time management ill kill you btw. no one here does everything in a timely manner

[blueskittlesart]

kay em ess

[elitemeowmix]

Medical rant ahead because the “headache department” at my hospital is an absolute headache, an essay by Me

So I’ve been getting injections for daily migraines, and they’ve had some not great side effects:

godawful neuropathy/sensory issues.  If I wear certain pieces of clothing/come into contact with certain fabrics, it feels like my body is on fire/itching/just generally painful (and sometimes it even occurs when I’m not wearing anything, so that’s fun).  I’ve experienced this before because of my fibromyalgia, but never this frequently (it’s daily) and never at this severity (it’s absolutely intolerable, I feel like I need to peel off my skin).  So, understandably, my wardrobe has been dramatically reduced because most of my clothes (including all of my socks, except fuzzy bedtime socks, which is A Look™ in public lol) are having this effect.  One way it’s impacting me is that I can’t wear any gloves, and it’s about to be winter which means it’s hella cold out already, and my hands lose a lot of mobility in the cold so I use gloves at warmer temperatures than most people (yay fibromyalgia).  I’ve also become sensitive to my sheets/towels/blankets so that’s fun and not inconvenient at all *sarcasm*

I’ve also had a completely nonexistent libido.  Which, like, okay theoretically isn’t the worst side effect in the world. But (without going into all the details) this is very unusual for me -- I’ve literally never lost my sex drive no matter how stressed/depressed I’ve been, and only one oral birth control has ever even dampened my libido.  I’ve never had it be nonexistent.  Ever since I went through puberty, it’s been sky high and super distracting (e.g. an orgasm away keeps the distraction at bay).  So needless to say, I’m not feeling like myself at all, because I’ve known and dealt with my high-libido self since I was in 5th grade.  At first I thought this was due to a recent breakup, but it’s persisted way longer than I would have expected and at a severity that I’ve never experienced from any kind of stressful live event ever.  So it seems likely to be caused by the injections because A) the timeline matches up really well and B) it would be super unusual for my birth control to out of the blue randomly cause these symptoms, since I’ve been on this one for about a year and a half now and have never experienced this side effect.

I also get these weird stomach cramps that are worst during the first week after I get the injection, so I know it’s definitely connected.  I probably wouldn’t mind if that were the only issue with the injections, because I could probably just suck it up and deal.

although the injections have reduced the severity of my daily migraines, the beneficial effects have worn off increasingly sooner with each dose.  After only a handful of injections, this current dose lasted only two weeks before I was back to my baseline.  So it’s not like it’s eliminating my migraines, and now it’s not even working as long as it should.

SO.  I did the logical thing and messaged my neurologist explaining all of the above, with some more detail here and there.  And her response to me was:

the pain/sensory stuff if probably just an allergic reaction. (That was literally the extent of her response on this.  Just one single sentence.  Which is concerning for a number of reasons, the foremost being that if this were indeed an allergic reaction, shouldn’t you be telling your patient how to manage it?! Like “hey take some benadryl” or “stop the injections immediately” but apparently the welfare of her patients isn’t a concern to her I guess?)

the decreased sex drive isn’t related

GI issues aren’t uncommon

Let’s maybe schedule an appointment to talk about whether or not you should continue these injections

I was a little peeved because I felt like she’d just brushed off my concerns (she didn’t even address the fact that my quality of life was being compromised but nbd I guess), and I felt like she wasn’t listening to me.  But I figured she was just busy and wanted to get me an answer sooner, even if it was brusque.  So this was my response:

The sensory stuff could definitely be an allergic reaction, but it seems more likely to be an amplified version of what I was already experiencing with my fibromyalgia considering that I literally already experience that symptom.  Regardless, it’s causing an unsustainable way of life, so this needs to change @soon because I’m starting to get desperate, and I’m usually a pretty patient person about crappy side effects

Hi hello so I spoke on the phone with my Ob/Gyn, and based on my medical history and the evidence at hand (e.g. the timeline), we believe that this nonexistent libido is most likely caused by the injection.  Just to give you an update.

(stopped talking about it because meh)

So I got a text reminder asking me to confirm the shipment of my next injection.  Should I cancel it?  Or should I stay on it until my next appointment?

And, kids, this is where fit hit the shan, let me tell you.  Because her response.  God, I can’t.  The audacity.  This is what she decided was an appropriate response for a CARE provider to give:

(NO acknowledgement about the quality of life/issues caused by the sensory issues.  No compassion at all)

DIRECT QUOTE: “there is no evidence in all the studies that have been done, [sic] that shows [injection name] causes decreased libido”

(skipping the GI issues again)

Are the injections helping your migraines? (I LITERALLY ANSWERED THAT IN THE FIRST MESSAGE) Because my recommendation is to stay on them until our appointment in January, and at that time we can see if a change in medications would be beneficial.

There was a point in my life where a physician’s blatant disregard of my concerns would’ve hurt, but I’m apparently past that point.  I’m just angry. Like what do you mean, “IF a change in medications would beneficial”?!  Did you not read all the ways that this is impacting me?  Did you not read the part where I need something to change soon because this neuropathic pain is making me lose my mind?  Also, where the FORK is your compassion??  A patient is having really crappy side effects, and your best answer is “see you in January”?  REALLY?!  I would honestly cry if I weren’t so mad.

Also WTF was with “there’s no evidence about” your symptom that you’ve report.  SO passive aggressive wtf.  Like bitch do you really think my body gives a flying fuck about whether or not this symptom has been “established” as an Official Symptom of this (relatively new, btw) medication?  Because the last time I checked, my body does whatever it damn well pleases and doesn’t read the literature on what it’s “supposed” to do.  I’ve had side effects from medications that less than 1% of patients on those medications experience -- and if you actually bothered to read my patient file, MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT.  Also, chronically ill bodies are often complicated??  That’s not a surprise to anyone, especially for illnesses that we don’t know a lot about, like fibromyalgia, which I have???  And NEWSFLASH EINSTEIN, individuals are *gasp* individual and - guess what - can have individual reactions to things!  What a WILD concept!  It’s almost like everyone has a unique genetic sequence.  OH WAIT.

And what really gets my goat is the fact that this is the first time she’s just blatantly ignored me/my patient history/my concerns.  At the very first visit, I told her that I had chronic fatigue.  We moved on to other topics and didn’t talk about the fatigue again.  But what did I see in the after-visit notes?  She literally wrote “fatigue appears to be from [Medication X].”  Well guess what JACKASS.  If you had BOTHERED to ask me if that were true/if I’d noticed a connection, I would’ve said absolutely no way in hell, because I started Medication X in May and I’ve been experiencing this bone-tired fatigue for YEARS (yes, years plural).  But guess what, even if you didn’t ask me that, you could’ve easily seen it in my patient profile!!  But apparently you’re an all-knowing God who is Always Right All the Time so who needs to ask patients questions or check patient histories!!

I cannot stand doctors with God complexes.  I have 0% tolerance for that.  I can’t handle these doctors who think that their MD somehow makes them Better Than You, and obviously they’re always the one who is correct, not you, because they’re the one with the degree so obviously your lived experiences are Just Plain Wrong.

If you are THAT arrogant and THAT uncompassioante (not a word but whatever), you should NOT be in a position where you’re dealing with patients’ wellbeing.  That’s not okay.  But of course, as long as we live in a society that sees becoming a doctor as prestigious/a money-maker, there are going to keep being doctors like this.  And I wish someone would just take them down a notch, because, dear god, would it kill them to actually listen to and take care of their patients???

Anywho.  That was LONG.

I hope to god no one read this entire thing, because if so, I apologize for that experience but also wow that’s serious dedication to this post (idk if I’d even read this whole thing lol).  I just needed to rant this entire thing and this is apparently my virtual diary.  And also having this all written down is going to be helpful for when my memory (inevitably) fails to remember all of these details

[icefrozendeadlyqueen]

Deadly Sisters: (y/n)’s Prologue.

Title: Deadly Sisters

Family: Reader comes from a family involve in the unknown. The world normal people have no clue about. They can theorize, but they can never be completely sure. Their family prefers to work on their own, "better work alone than with a crowd, right?".

Summary: Two killers rely on each others... What could possibly go wrong???

Ships: (y/n) x Ubbe, (y/n) x Sigurd, Ashla x Hvitserk. Reader insert words use

Favorite Coffee: (f/c) Your name: (y/n) Last name: (l/n)  (Your tagged id)

Warning: There are huge topics in here. I’m sorry if it offends anyone, but I couldn’t stop once I started writing.

Story: On going. It's text/scenes. I hope you enjoy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My name is (y/n) (L/n), I am a hacker Hitman.

I thought life was simple in most terms speaking my simple is other's dismay or death. It all depends on my mood. I have a set of skills well learned throughout my life; it's a family legacy to know how to align with people at a level is certainly scary. I am always learning everything I can get my hands on from truth, rumors, lies and overall the darkest information known to men. Example, people's lives are a new chapter of a story, why did Gregory kill his wife? huh.

The cops said his wife was cheating on him. The first cop to come at the cries of the neighbors threw up in the scene of the crime. Revolting. It's all he manage to muster to the news. His family wants to believe he was posses by the devil. Only reasonable explanation for a gentleman that burn his wife and kids alive, right? Her family believes he was paranoid. They demand him to be given the highest type of punishment, Capital Punishment. The neighbors can't believe what has occur. Its such an atrocious act. They retell that night like a replying nightmare every time they close their eyes. "I woke up to the screams of Tiffany. She was a nice gal used to bring me pie whenever she had some extra". "In all my 80 years of living in this neighborhood something like this has never happen. They had family issues as any couple would". "Gregory and Tiffany were an exceptional matrimony. They would come to my families Saturday cooks out! Tiffany would bring her famous pie! Gregory bring some of the whiskey I like. We have a good time. My kids like their kids. We didn't notice anything wrong". His colleague detail how good he was at his job. He took a good length of time to manage his work to perfection. It became Gregory's signature. Her colleague say she was diligent. She never once made a mistake. Those people that envy her believed she was a witch how could she had a response for everything. Always being right neither wrong on anything. What a load of bullshit

A conservative small town what could possible go wrong with such a murder? it's the center of the epicenter.

Whats hot in news right now? I will let you know in more than one occasion. Hypothetically speaking a woman by the tag name Veronica_Ink join my chatroom long ago. I have always explained to them the chat rules here in the dark web.

(Private Message between (your tagged Id) & Veronica_Ink)

Veronica_Ink: "I have joined through a secure server on my husband's computer".

(Your tagged Id): "I don't particularly give a shit how you join. I am telling you not to come here looking for trouble, ma'am. I am fed up of saving damsels in distress".

Veronica_Ink: "My dad is a rapist, and I sleep with a pistol under my pillow".

(Your tagged Id): "Okay. You have experience to be here at least. It took an escalating turn"

Veronica_Ink: "It's alright. I had gone as far as too change my name and any trace of that from my present. Now, I have beautiful children and a treasure of a husband".

(Your tagged Id): "Cute then why are you here?"

Veronica_Ink: "Not all fairy tales are true...."

(Your tagged Id): "Enough said". I didn't ask what she meant in any way or form I don't care. It's how this new century works. The less you care the less probability of getting caught. A rule the (L/n) family has lived by for centuries, and we have manage to avoid detection. It's a sweet taste in your mouth like drinking the nectar of gods, A.K.A. (F/c), knowing that we haven't gotten caught yet. It's the best part of a thrill being known like any other millennial

Veronica_Ink: "We are the picture perfect couple since middle school. We grew up in a small town high school sweethearts, you know?".

(Your tagged id): "I have never understood the necessity of high school sweethearts".

Veronica_Ink: "It's like finding your other half for high school".

(Your tagged id): "I get that part, but I don't see the point. The expectations of happy ever after until is not possible".

Veronica_Ink: "It's picture perfect".

(Your tagged id): "Outside until people decide to look close enough".

We agreed it was just going to be a quick chat or did I just agreed to that? We never talk about it to be precise so I just don't understand the tugging I feel re-reading this none existence conversations lost in deep thoughts. I have single handle all of my problems without relying on my family much. We take on jobs that we have no emotional attachment what so ever... I guess I didn't comprehend why would that be. I have never taken a job with another family member for actual good reasons.

Jobs. Tasks. It's all the same in terms, isn't it? I am already 10 steps to close to this.

Veronica_Ink: "You don't like high school sweethearts, do you?"

(Your tagged id): "It seems all fake to me for some it works. I have no problem with it, but I have never understood the term high school sweethearts. The concept itself seems to be playing with fate, and fate is laughing at it".

Veronica_Ink: "Ahhhhh. You had a high school sweetheart?"

(Your tagged id): "No, I have never stay in a high school long enough. It was particularly entertaining".

Veronica_Ink: "Awh.. that's awful"

(Your tagged id): "It really isn't. You are probably thinking of an orphan or movng a lot type of deal. I am neither".

Veronica_Ink: "Yeah... you don't seem like the person to give a shit either. It was nice to talk to you, (y/n). I have to go attend to some things."

(Your tagged id): "Yeah, don't mention it. Have a good day Tiff".

Veronica_Ink: "Tomorrow same time?"

(Your tagged id): "Same place".

Who knew I would have gotten a friend from this illegal dump? Hell would laugh at my stupitity. I got attached. She knew before I knew. Well know... I did some bringing up to the light. I have uncover her life not like somthing can be hidden from me. There is nothing in this world that I can't crack with enough practice and hard work as long as you don't get caught. I don't need to be recognize on anything what's the point of doing something if people acknowledge it.

Just fucking do it and let the repercussions come later. I have many completely sign for me as we speak. My father always said, "Time will only tell, pop. We either keep doing things right protecting the family or we fail all together screwing the family". He has a point that there is no in between. I look at it the way anyone would have I don't regret my choices or the fact I am obviously blinded by emotions at this point. What the fuck was I thinking??

That's right I wasnt fucking thinking. I keep hearing my father's advice through out all my bad decisions a reminder that I am making a shitty hole for myself. I may as well make it even more big than it should be. I call myself a hitman, but I am here trying to solve marital problems? Jesus Christ. I am trying to blame somebody where there is nobody to blame. I am trying to find an excuse where there is none. I always will be a step ahead of everyone unless I let my heart lead.

(Your tagged id): "How are the kids?"

Veronica_Ink: "They are doing amazing! Little josh won fourth place on his spelling bee tornament, "Mom, I'll work hard to get #1 next year", he is the most cutest thing. Gregory offer to help him train up, and I almost forgot about last night beating. I have to thank you with helping jessica yesterday, you know? her paper got an A+. The university loved it. I don't know how you do it all the thoughts she wanted to express you had it on paper".

(Your tagged id): "Don't mention it, Tiffany. I am glad I could help even in the slightest. What about little jimmy? Is he better from the flu?"

Veronica_Ink: "We just got home from his check up. Gregory bought him a baseball bat, so they can plan on that trip. Jimmy wants to become a baseball player".

(Your tagged id): "The kid has a bright imagination... isn't this his 17th switch so far? How much energy does he has... you wouldn't fucking believe he has an illness damn".

Veronica_Ink: "haahahahah. Actually his 26th so far, "Mommy! I love them all! Fire fighter, super hero and baseball player! I want to be all", he said that on our way back and Gregory told him the sky is the limit.

(Your tagged id): "I pity his babysitter".

Veronica_Ink: "That's me”.

(Your tagged id): "I digress".

Veronica_Ink: "Ah come on! He is the cutest!".

(Your tagged id): "You can't decided which of your children is the cutest. On that note, who's the favorite?".

Veronica_Ink: "You know is getting late.. I should be going."

(Your tagged id): "I rest my case".

Veronica_Ink: "hahahahahaha. All jokes aside little lady. How are you today? You don't particularly like pen names, but I can't seem to resist"

(Your tagged id): "I ignored them. I am doing pretty good and you? I have had a pretty good week. Thank you for asking Tiff".

Veronica_Ink: "Doing as well as a viking burning boat. Jessica got into USCF, little jimmy says he will become a baseball player, and lil josh says he'll be the next spelling bee champion".

(Your tagged id): "So an honorable death? Well, this took a turn. It's UCF btw. I am guessing excitement took a turn".

Veronica_Ink: "Yeah, I started watching this discovering channel with Jessica.. you know mother and daughter quality time?! I am so happy! She ask me to watch it with her. I thought she would ask her best friend and not her boring mother."

(Your tagged id): "That's sweet you two are spending time together. I have to take a big dump on that 'boring mother' do I have to remind you that you are in a dark web chatroom. I don't think thats boring".

Veronica_Ink: "I can't really bragged about it though. That's like one of your main rules of the page or did you forgot? You say you'll ban people or ruin their life".

(Your tagged id): "Touché. Let me think... brag about your life? You won a hot dog competition in middle school? You punch that slutty math teacher in high school that's in prison now? I am going on a limb here but your life is not boring. It might not be celebrity worthy, but that doesnt matter".

Veronica_Ink: "Good point. My daughter is showing interest in my life! I feel so happy right now. Don't you think punching a teacher was a little too much?"

(Your tagged id): "It depends on what happen. Normally teachers are respecting human beings that deserve the world offer to them. Ashley was a racist little shit".

Veronica_Ink: "Look, (y/n) not everyone name Ashley is a bully or a racist or a pedophile. It was just a huge coincidence. My sister's name is Ashley".

(Your tagged id): "And? Lets not even get on the topic of your sister... she isn't a good example to begin with.

Veronica_Ink: "Touché. On good terms, what can I bragged about? Jessica is my star. I want her to look up to me. I want her to think I am like a super mom?".

(Your tagged id): "She already thinks that. Jessica knows you put a lot of work on feeding her, so she can get all her vitamins and minerals. She bought you flowers last friday after you stood by her when that douch broke her heart. She may not see much of your cool right now because she is a teenager that's basically their definition. Don't over think it much, Tiff. You are an amazing mother. You are doing just fine".

Veronica_Ink: "You are probably right. I am going to go right now. I want to give them all my undying attention".

(Your tagged id): "Good night, Tiffany".

Veronica_Ink: "Good night, (y/n)".

I have a weak point on some extent. I'll accept it. Other than my sister nobody has broken through my hard core firewall. I guess the first instict to change is to fight it or just be crazy for a little bit. I am friends with Tiffany. This is just incredible. This is a healthy friendship, right? You care for something. It's natural right? It's an excuse isn't it? I guess. I am not sure anymore. Ashla would have laugh at my weakness. She would have put a bullet on Tiffany and walk away. I wish I could just let go, but I care too much to walk away. I love her to much to let go.. is that what friendships are? You care for another person more than yourself. I thought families fall into that category...

I have never let anyone in. Tiffany knowing my real name makes her a target, but there is no way she'll become one right? No. I am just being paranoid. Yeah.. that's it. Paranoia.

Veronica_Ink: "It was a weird old man. I lost little josh at the amusement park, and he said an old man guide him to a van. He bought him an ice cream and told him to stay inside. I am terrified and scared about it. He said a woman came before the smelly old man could hurt him. She took his hand, knew his name and even play some games with him. He said the woman got him that teddy bear he wanted, but I told him I didn't had enough change for".

(Your tagged id): "Huh why are you telling me all of this?"

Veronica_Ink: "It was you, wasn't it? Don't deny it, (y/n). Josh secretly told me the woman knew my name. He told the police the description of the man. I was relieved when the cops found the old man, and it wasn't one of josh made up stories. He was brutally murder, (y/n). Execution style. The police told Gregory and I that there was a woman, but there is no camera that caught the woman's face. We could only see little josh talking to someone.. we recognize it was a woman because of the voice... just please. Thank you".

(Your tagged id): "Execution style? Sheez. Veronica. I don't do Execution Style. I am a hacker for fuck sake how would I know how to kill people?"

Veronica_Ink: "You said so yourself. Anything can be accomplish with enough anger built up".

(Your tagged id): "When the heck did I said that?"

Veronica_Ink: "The day before the amusement park. We talk. You said to watch my kids because there was news reports of kids disappearing and found dead a week later".

(Your tagged id): "Me and my big mouth."

Veronica_Ink: "I know it was you. I want to believe it was you".

(Your tagged id): "It wasn't me. I had been at home all day. I was working on a job"

Veronica_Ink: "Computer related? I know you can't do remote jobs.. Hmm.. Well.."

(Your tagged id): "Do you have any prove anyways?"

Veronica_Ink: "No.. I had a feeling. Josh had a bubble gum package and a chocolate bar in his jetted pocket. The only person I know that loves coffee more than life is you plus you are the only person that knows josh favorite bubble gum. He is a hard kid to follow strangers. He knows better than to do that, but he told me that the woman was my friend. No, his exact words were "My Guardian angel"".

(Your tagged id): "Can you just accept your kid is safe? He is away from harm. You are all a big family again, right? Be happy idk"

Veronica_Ink: "Thank you, (y/n)".

(Your tagged id): "It was my sister, okay?".

Veronica_Ink: "The deemed one?"

(Your tagged id): "We are all deemed, but yes"

Nah, bitch. It was me. Fuck. You see my point. I am attached to a level that can become deadly. I knew that old faggot wouldn't resist a lost kid. I knew that. I had to do some extra remote work to make up for it, but it was worth it. It was. It is worth it. Why wouldn't it be? Tiffany is save and the jumping troll thats her kid is doing good. I got attach to her and her kids.. I am a fool.

Execution Style seem the fair go to for all his fucking crimes. He had all the kids outfits. The ones he hurt. I got emotionally involve so what? like its a fucking crime. I couldn't live with myself if I let it happen. I couldn't live with my conscience. I feel... fuck.. so predictable right? (y/n) stares at her diary letting go of another sigh. (y/n)'s eyes scroll through the images in her computer of an old chat conversation with vivid notes she wrote daily to keep up with her changing or Tiffany growing into her. (y/n) lips tremble in little weeps tears that she doesnt bother to clean, "It's done sweet, Dove. I have avenge you... it has been a long time old friend". (y/n) words leave a sore taste in her lips though a sweet feeling inside her even if its been old to come. The words don't make her feel any better nothing seem to do fix the broken shell of a woman she was anymore, "I have a flight to catc-". The words lost within a train of tears coming furiously from her eyes as her heart opens accepting what she was pushing back all this years.

Yeah I can't believe that either. Dear old friend. You can rest in peace now, okay? The bitch is dead along with your ex-husband.

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

“Sitting On A Bench, Reflecting...” - On the Traces of “Forrest Gump” in the Story of An Angel of the Lord

“Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you’re going to get.” - Forrest Gump in “Forrest Gump”

One tiny white feather floats in the sky and slowly descends to the ground to eventually land on someone’s shoe. The certain someone, who is attached to said shoe picks it up gently and places it carefully into a book. It’s the introductory shot to one of the probably most well-known movies of the past 25 years. And it sets up the feather as a recurring theme, element and metaphor for the entire movie “Forrest Gump” from the year 1994.

A good 11 years separates this movie following the life of Forrest, a simple minded and innocent boy, whose “passion” and “gift” for running would lead him literally around the world and the beginning of a small show called “Supernatural”. On the surface there’s not much one could say connects this film and this show. One is embedded in a world where monsters like vampires and werewolves exist, the other is firmly placed in a “non-magical world” - though of course “Forrest Gump” in many ways can be considered a kind of fairytale just without the fantastic elements. Still - despite these huge differences in approach and especially in atmosphere and tone (one is a horror show the other a sort of sweet kind of drama after all) - when digging a little deeper the big themes tackled in both franchises align really well. From absentee parents, to the story of “adolescence” and “coming of age”, to family, love and the question of destiny vs. freedom of choice - there is much that “Forrest Gump” shares with “Supernatural” and in particular so with a character that was introduced in S4 with a shrieking sound on the radio, white noise on the tv and exploding windows in an all but abandoned gas station somewhere in the broader vicinity of Pontiac, Illinois, where on September 18th, 2009 one Dean Winchester dug himself out of his grave after he was dragged to Hell by Hellhounds four months earlier. It’s Castiel, Angel of the Lord, we are talking about, whose story feels like having quite a bit in common with Forrest. And all of that starts with one tiny feather dancing from the sky to the ground and coming to rest on Forrest Gump’s shoe, who sits waiting on a bench at a bus stop reminiscing about his life, telling anyone who will listen, his story.

Said feather is a recurring theme - paired with wings and birds and songs and metaphors of flying (mostly connected to Forrest’s one true love Jenny) - in the movie. A symbol capturing and describing how the main character’s life was seemingly shaped by circumstance, how one step lead to another, how he walked through life like a feather floating from here to there in the wind, drifting from one place to another, going wherever the road took him (and that is actually one major parallel to “Supernatural” as a whole with the Winchesters driving across America going wherever the next case leads them) without giving it much thought (in fact many places he ended up being had to do with him simply doing as told, to “run, Forrest, run” whether it was to get away from the bullies in his hometown or in the baseball team or when rescuing his companions from the jungle in Vietnam) - though he always had one constant, one person to return to: Jenny, his childhood girlfriend who throughout long stretches of the movie appears to be seen like an angel by Forrest (fittingly she is also often times wrapped in white flowy gowns, talking about her wish to become a bird so she could fly away - to escape her abusive father - or standing on a window sill read to jump and “kill herself” to be free while Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Free Bird” is playing in the background). And an angel’s story is Castiel’s. A warrior of Heaven, a servant of God, who - like that tiny white feather - touched down on earth for the first time in millennia after he rescued none other than Dean Winchester from Hell.

Just a few days ago I was talking about Castiel’s trenchcoat, how it always set him apart from the rest. Just like Forrest, who couldn’t walk without aides as a child and was made fun of for being “simple minded”, Castiel, never fit in as the narrative told us. Cas was always a rebel (even if he doesn’t remember himself, those who re-programmed him know), the one who came off the line with “a crack in his chassis” as Naomi called it or as Samandriel put it, he always had “too much heart”. And while Castiel in S4 is intimidating and absolute, when it comes to human interaction he is ill-equipped, almost childlike, innocent. All traits one connect with Forrest Gump. Most of all though and that’s of course what defines Castiel’s arc in S4 most is how he “follows orders”, “doesn’t question”, but “obeys” and “does as he is told”. That is until “The Big Pumpkin Sam Winchester” where Castiel starts to express doubts for the first time and interestingly enough those doubts are connected to a bench in a park.

“I’m not a hammer”, Castiel tells Dean in 4x07 “The Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester” and sitting down on a bench next to the one Dean is sitting on (there is a multitude one could just write about that little gap between them there btw, as to me it captures perfectly how Castiel grows closer to humanity, but isn’t completely on the same page or rather bench yet). It’s a scene in which Castiel expresses that he has questions and doubts - everything that a good soldier is not supposed to have. And yes, of course the parallel and wording of “soldiers” aligns Cas with Dean, in relation to this meta however it is also noteworthy that Forrest indeed became a soldier and worked well within the army. It’s a recurring theme, Forrest is told something and he follows. It captures how he drifts from one place to another. Rarely making decisions himself, instead he often times “goes with the flow”, “goes where the road takes him” or differently worded “floats”. And that is something Forrest at the end of the movie when standing at Jenny’s grave even voices himself and it captures the question of destiny vs. free choice that is so inherent to “Supernatural” quote beautifully:

“I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it’s both. Maybe it’s both happening at the same time.”

And of course it takes us back to the feather imagery of the beginning of the movie, a feather floating in the breeze, that came to rest at Forrest’s feet while he waits for a bus (which also parallels nicely to Jimmy Novak’s bus journey but much more than that Castiel going to sleep inside an old bus when he is human in S9).

And to me Castiel and Forrest are working beautifully as parallels here - not just visually but on a narrative level as well. Because that’s where Forrest’s life truly changes, when he gets on that bus and meets Jenny, who introduced him to his son. That changes everything. Likewise Castiel, an angel with wings, was floating aimlessly and just did as he was told until the day he rescued Dean from Hell (and one could definitely see a parallel between Jenny and Dean here as well as they share the aspect of growing up in an abusive household). From there on out his mission changes, his focus changes, he himself changes.

“I’ve figured out one thing about this world… Just one, pretty much. You find a cause and you serve it. Give yourself over, and it orders your life.”

- Meg in 7x21 “Reading Is Fundamental”

And while his narrative mirror is Forrest, it’s also worthy to note that Castiel’s arc also works rather beautifully in contrast and opposition to Jenny, whose entire life circled around escaping and flying away. So when Forrest in the ending scene looks up to Heaven as if Jenny’s watching over him (like an angel) it gets clear she finally managed to escape and fly away. Castiel’s story can be seen entirely in reverse to her, as for him, it was never about flying, but falling. For humanity as embodied by Dean.

To me the scene in the park (a playground nearby - the whole conversation Dean has with Castiel here is a direct parallel to Dean sitting next to God on a park bench in S11) in 4x07 “The Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester” works as a perfect starting point of Castiel’s journey. Roughly 2 seasons later we would meet him again - sitting on a bench (like Forrest) - in 6x20 “The Man Who Would Be King” telling us his story. A story that shifted from being a feather in the wind, following orders to making decisions yourself and having to deal with the consequences. A story that tackled the question of destiny and ended with free will.

I’m sure that none of these parallels have been inserted consciously by the writers at the time - though with Ben Edlund and 6x20 “The Man Who Would Be King” I could imagine that he thought of “Forrest Gump”, but the chances are slim - still to me these franchises work together and in opposition to one another, because they utilize the same tropes and themes. And I don’t know about you, but I personally quite like the theme of “reflection” and “identity” woven into these bench moments...

[In case all of this didn’t leave you all “I don’t know about you, but this person that wrote this bs has issues” ;P for more metas on benches and vending machines used as meatphors and symbols on SPN - yes, it’s a thing and apparently I have a thing for it - click here, here, here and here]

[pluckyredhead]

Daredevil 101: Born Again, Part 2

Last time I covered the first three issues of Frank Miller and David Mazzucchelli’s “Born Again.” Now it’s time for the second half of the story, which...honestly is kind of a mess. Oh well!

When last we left our hero, he had suffered a complete mental and physical collapse after losing his home, savings, girlfriend, and legal license due to Fisk’s maneuverings. He would have died were it not for the timely intervention of a mysterious nun, who brought him back to her church and nursed him back to health.

Meanwhile, Karen, still fleeing Fisk’s assassins, hooks up with a guy traveling to New York and trades him sexual favors for transportation and coke. Matt’s AWOL, what with his house blowing up and all, but she gets in touch with Foggy:

FOGGY COULDN’T KEEP MATT SAFE BUT HE’S SURE AS HELL GONNA KEEP KAREN SAFE. <3 <3 <3

Meanwhile, Matt slowly recuperates under the nuns’ care:

Matt connects Maggie with the mysterious nun who visited him as a child and realizes that she’s his mother. Though there’s never a scene where she’s like “Okay I lied I’m your mom,” after this it’s basically just out in the open between them (though she doesn’t appear very frequently).

Also, Matt with a full beard is [fire emoji] [fire emoji] [fire emoji]

Matt has work to do, so he puts his filthy garbage-bed clothes back on and checks in on his supporting cast. Ben has killed his story revealing that Matt was framed out of fear, but he eventually decides he needs to publish it. However, as soon as he attempts to, Nurse Lois tries to kill Doris:

Yes, that’s Matt’s arm coming in to knock Lois out in the bottom panel - he’s been following Ben. He hides in another room while Ben gets Doris down and then realizes he’s been saved - and Ben’s savvy, so he knows right away by whom.

Meanwhile, some of Fisk’s heavies have been trying to get Melvin Potter to make a replica Daredevil suit as part of a convoluted plot to draw Matt out of hiding. Melvin’s not sure what to do, so he calls Ben:

Ben’s even more terrified to talk now, of course.

Matt visits Melvin and tells him to make the suit - he’ll make sure no one gets hurt. (Like 10 people wind up dying. Great job, Matt.)

And here’s where everything converges: Karen’s ex-“boyfriend” tracks her to Foggy’s apartment to get her back. Meanwhile, Fisk has broken a violently insane criminal (again, this story isn’t the greatest with mental illness) out of an asylum and furnished him with a Daredevil suit. The idea is for him to brutally murder Foggy and thus discredit Daredevil as well as Matt, while simultaneously taking away one of Matt’s few remaining connections.

One thing I appreciate about the way Mazzucchelli draws Karen in this - and it’s ridiculous that I have to note this, but it’s comics - is that she’s never sexualized. She’s a porn actress and sort of an unofficial prostitute, but she’s never drawn to look “sexy.” She looks ill and malnourished and terrified all the time, because she is. Too many artists would have taken this as an opportunity to put her in fishnets; Mazz draws her like she’s dying.

(That’s Wesley driving the car in the bottom panel, btw. I think he might die in this scene? Almost everyone dies.)

Anyway, Foggy calls the cops, but Karen, desperate to save him, hits him over the head with a lamp to knock him out and goes downstairs to meet Paulo. They’re attacked by Fisk’s hitmen, who have been told to kill anyone who emerges from the building. The cops who’ve arrived on the scene fire back, as does Paulo, and the fake Daredevil starts for Foggy’s apartment.

And then Matt, who’s been following Wesley and the fake Daredevil since they picked up the suit at Melvin’s, steps in:

Matt has a hell of a memory for smells, apparently.

Anyway, the hitmen and the cops and Paulo all take each other out, going down in a hail of bullets, and Matt and Karen race into each other’s arms:

What a gorgeous page! What a beautiful catharsis! It’s not at all marred by the fact that Matt should honestly be totally baffled by Karen’s sudden presence there. Seriously, it works so well emotionally even though it doesn’t quite work logically.

And, well...the story should end there, honestly, but we have two more issues to go, and here’s where it kind of falls apart. Matt’s relatively okay again, so is Karen, they’re reunited, the threats are gone...we should be done, right? But we’re not.

We start with another beautiful splash page in bed, but this one’s very different:

Karen’s confession and Matt’s forgiveness happen off-panel, described in the narration boxes here, and Matt’s response is basically “Eh, no worries,” which...like. I love Karen. I love Matt and Karen together. But she sold his deepest secret for a fix and left him disbarred and homeless. He nearly died! She and Foggy and Ben and Doris nearly died! Glori and Maggie will nearly die! Dozens of other people have died and will die before this story is over! It’s lovely that Matt forgives her but considering the grudge he bears for Foggy after all of this for...undisclosed crimes??? it’s a little pat.

Also pat: Matt appears to basically hug Karen through withdrawal. I appreciate how raw and painful the art makes it look, and how steady and loving he is, but here’s where the timeline gets slippery, and makes you wonder about the earlier timeline. How long was Matt out of it? How long did it take Karen to drive from an undisclosed location in the enormous country of Mexico to New York City? How long does her recovery take? Part of what makes the first three issues of the story work so well is that they’re so rapid-fire and claustrophic, with both time and space compressed to tiny ranges. You give it too much room to breathe and the reader starts going “Wait. It’s not over? How much more is left?”

Anyway, Foggy, bless his soul, is still trying to clear Matt’s name, and so is Ben:

This always reminds me of that meme where Person A is complaining loudly about Person B while dropping dozens of photos of them. Seriously, though, why do you have those glossy Harrison Ford-looking 8 x 10s of Matt in your briefcase, Foggy?

Honestly Foggy’s emotional reaction here doesn’t make a ton of sense, when you look at the events: 1. Matt’s apartment gets blown up while Matt is in serious legal and financial trouble. 2. Matt disappears for...weeks? Months? Unclear. 3. Karen shows up with a drug addiction and an abusive boyfriend. 4. Karen knocks Foggy out. 5. Foggy wakes up to find Karen gone and like eight people dead in the street outside his house, including said abusive boyfriend. CONCLUSION: Work on Matt’s appeal? FOGGY. WHAT.

“Matt’s always been kind of high strung.” brb dying

Ben thinks Glori’s got what it takes to work for the Bugle, so he takes her with him to talk to Nurse Lois, now in jail for her attempt on Doris’s life. However, one of the other reporters is a plant by Fisk, there to kill her before she can testify against Fisk:

Lois is killed, but Ben saves Glori. They’re both pretty shaken up by it, but they’ve got some damning evidence now.

Meanwhile, Matt is working as a short order cook at a Hell’s Kitchen diner.

Yes, really:

HILARIOUS but also, how much time has passed here? This is too much downtime, it doesn’t work.

Fisk, enraged by Matt’s continued ability to evade him and stay off the grid, plays his final card: he calls in “Nuke,” a deranged super soldier whose violent killing moods are triggered by red pills. (This is who Simpson from Jessica Jones is based on, btw.) Nuke, convinced he’s back in Vietnam, starts shooting up Hell’s Kitchen:

Matt changes to Daredevil and just barely manages to take Nuke down, but then the Avengers show up:

This is great art, but you see what I mean? Now this is a story about the toll Vietnam took on young American men? (I mean, Miller’s a baby boomer, everything he writes is a little bit about that, but still.) There’s a super soldier blowing up the Kitchen? The Avengers are here? TOO MUCH, FRANK. I get that what’s happening here is that Fisk loses his temper and allows his perfect, subtle trap to fall apart as he attempts to swat a fly with a sledgehammer, but narratively it just feels like an excellent four-issue arc with a weird two-issue coda that shares none of the same themes.

That’s Glori in Steve’s arms, btw. She and Karen are both injured (but fine) and taken to Maggie’s church where their boyfriends can fuss over them:

This really isn’t a significant page but I couldn’t bring myself to cut Matt’s little smile there as Foggy rushes past him (presumably while “The Way We Were” plays in his mind - actually, he looks downright Redfordian there). IDK why Matt’s like “Alas, Foggy and I are No More” - it’s another emotional note that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Meanwhile, Steve decides to investigate this whole Nuke thing and discovers that he was an attempt to replicate Captain America, of course. Again, see what I mean? Why is Steve a point of view character, suddenly? Why is this about a military conspiracy? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CLAUSTROPHIC GRITTY NOIR?

Nuke breaks out and attacks Hell’s Kitchen again. The military deploys soldiers to stop him this time, and despite Steve and Matt trying to subdue Nuke non-fatally, one of the soldiers shoots him. Matt desperately tries to get Nuke to medical help before he dies so that he can testify:

No dice. Nuke dies...but his body is still evidence, so Matt takes it to someone who can do something about it:

The religious themes are mostly gone by now, but note that Nuke is in an inverted version of Matt’s pose from the beginning of #4. Matt was miraculously alive, though, while Nuke...well.

With this, plus Glori’s photos from Rikers and from Nuke’s attack on Hell’s Kitchen, Fisk’s empire starts to crumble:

He doesn’t go to jail, but his veneer of respectability is gone, and he becomes the most famous criminal in America. As appearances are very important to Fisk, he’s furious. His only consolation is that Matt must be equally miserable.

...Or is he?

Aw, they’re in love. There are still many threads left untied, mostly having to do with how Matt and Karen are unemployed and squatting in a Hell’s Kitchen tenement, but look how happy they are! Let’s call this a happy ending. Daredevil doesn’t get very many of them.

And that, my friends, is Born Again. Next up: Ann Nocenti and Typhoid Mary!