#if a man was pretty its right here ladies and gents

[dearharriet]

So It Goes; Sirius B. 🐇

summary: being sirius black’s illusionist might not require being cut in half, but he finds other ways to challenge you.

word count: ~2K

warnings: pg-13 sexual content, fem!r, illusionist!r, magician!sirius, possessive!sirius, original character (for the plot), blindfold (non-sexual), groping, foreplay

note: i named the oc in this after leon kennedy because i had just watched that video of ethel cain talking abt him so it was the freshest name in my mind. also psa i am not a swiftie i just listen to her music :0

The audience is the third member of every scene. That’s any performer’s rule of thumb. What the watcher feels, where they’ve been, who they are—all of it precedes any preparation you do for a performance, no matter how important it feels.

You like to attribute the feeling to destruction. The crowd takes hard work and taints it with their emotions, taunting you. It’s unbearable.

When you shared that notion with Sirius—loitering backstage before a show—he snickered about it for days on end.

Sirius, in true chaotic fashion, loves the unpredictability of an audience. He’s always been partial to voyeurs—in and out of professional settings—and he likes to be surprised.

What’s worse is that he likes to surprise you.

“Ladies and Gents,” Sirius projects out into the darkness. The double-tiered theater is one of the bigger venues you’ve performed at, seating just shy of three hundred people.

Sirius is perfectly at ease, strolling leisurely across the stage in a tuxedo, the silver image of a charming magician.

“For our next feat, my illusionist and I will need a volunteer.”

Your head snaps toward Sirius—stage smile falling ever so slightly. He’s already looking your way, smug and colored with mischief. He’s improvising.

Reinstating your smile to its full magnitude, you turn it back to the dark theater, watching hands shoot up from every seat. In your peripheral, Sirius retreats upstage, signaling for you to make your selection.

You play up a show of indecisiveness, tapping a manicured nail to your chin. “Hmm. Well, we need someone strong. We wouldn’t want to send anybody to the hospital tonight.”

A few hands drop then, slimming your options down a bit. Good. Eyeing the rows of people, you suddenly find an opportunity to get Sirius back.

“I think I like our friend here in the front,” you drawl, batting your lashes and pointing delicately. “In the suit.”

The man in question raises his brows, looking to his left and right. He’s young and decently handsome, nothing like Sirius, but just good-looking enough to poke the bear. His hand hadn’t been raised, but if Sirius won’t play by the rules then neither will you.

You hum sensually, beckoning him up with a curled finger, which he follows. You’ve been told you have a presence like a viper onstage, like you’re constantly poised for a fatal strike, and you consider that this might motivate people to obey you.

As the well-dressed man steps gingerly off of the top step, you meet him with a hand around his tie, coaxing him further under the intense lights; Sirius does this often when he calls pretty girls onstage, maneuvering them around by the smalls of their backs just to piss you off. Some nights the crowd laughs at their flushed cheeks, other nights they swoon. The group tonight is dead silent, pinned under a mountain of anticipation.

You envy them, considering you know no more about what will happen next than they do. They get to be silent, but for you, the show must go on.

Arriving center stage, you meet Sirius with an unhappy sidelong glance. Your victim sways awkwardly where you’ve parked him.

“Don’t worry, handsome.” You pat his lapel. “Sirius will tell you what we need from you.”

The man laughs nervously, provoking a scatter of teasing giggles from the audience.

You and Sirius trade sides then, circling behind the man like hungry wolves. As he passes you, Sirius slips a silky belt of fabric into your hand, a challenging eyebrow raised.

“Right, sir. What’s your name?”

“Er, Leon,” says the volunteer, his voice shy.

“Leon, everybody!” Sirius booms, throwing his and Leon’s arms open for applause. The crowd whistles their approval. Leon’s face blooms red like the flower in Sirius’ coat pocket, and worse when you step into his space with the blindfold.

“Alright, alright.” Sirius settles the crowd. “My darling assistant has something for you, Leon.”

Quirking a brow, you take your supposed queue, lifting the cloth to his eye level.

“Don’t be scared,” you murmur, just loud enough so that only the three of you on stage can hear. Leon releases a tense breath, holding your gaze.

Watching from beside you, Sirius’ lips pull into a petty smirk.

“Darling, don’t tease him. Let him put the blindfold on you.”

He says it like it’s obvious, as if there’s a clear protocol for the trick that he’s pulling from thin air. The audience is easily fooled by his cool confidence, but your cheeks still flush in embarrassment under your stage makeup.

Leon deflates—counting his blessings, you’re sure. Being unexpectedly blinded in a dark room full of people isn’t exactly calming. Reluctantly, you pile the dark fabric into his palm and turn around, accepting your twisted fate.

“Make sure it’s nice and tight, Leo,” Sirius orders as your eyes are covered. “We can’t have her cheating.”

You huff at that. There’s an entire choreographed illusion being discarded purely for Sirius’ amusement—if anyone’s cheating, it’s him.

Once the blindfold is securely fastened over your eyes, Sirius sets out to assemble the rest of the trick, which includes leading Leon upstage.

“We’ll leave our illusionist up here for a moment,” announces Sirius before he goes. “She’s pretty enough to keep you all entertained.”

Something about his words lights a match in your belly, made all the worse by your impaired vision. Without a means of looking back at the snickering audience, you’re little more than a statue to be gaped at.

Luckily, Sirius is a jealous man, so he doesn’t leave you squirming under their watchful eyes for long. As he takes your waist in a theatrical lead, he whispers silkily into your ear.

“You really know how to pick ‘em, eh?” A shiver creeps down your spine, and you almost trip in your heels. Sirius’ hot breath oozes over you, the hair on the back of your neck picking up. “Let’s hope your aim is as good without your eyes.”

As you ponder whatever that might mean, Sirius disappears, and then returns moments later. Whatever he brings back has the crowd gasping, scandalized or awestruck. It’s all you can do to hope it’s not a live animal.

“Folks,” he begins, and by the sound of it he’s center stage again, keeping the show rolling. “Our next act needs no introduction.”

Sirius comes to you, pressing something cool and heavy into your hands. It only takes you a few seconds to identify it as a bow, and you can’t tamp down your resulting outburst.

“Are you mental?” you hiss at Sirius as he folds an arrow into your free hand. He laughs, mocking your panic. Big hands grip your waist, manhandling you into a proper position, and you're nearly beyond performing, ready to shout at the delighted audience that this is really very scary and they should go home immediately.

Sirius leans in, pressing his chest close to your back, his upstage hand kneading secretly at your hip.

“Leon, are you ready over there?”

Far away, you hear Leon choke nervously. “Er, as I’ll ever be.”

The crowd chitters.

“Don’t tell me you’re scared?” The smile is audible in Sirius’ voice. He’s getting a kick out of this.

“Of taking an arrow to the head? Yeah.”

Sirius grips your waist tight, feeling over the fabric of your costume bodice, but his voice is opposingly saccharine.

“My girl’s got great aim. She’d never hit you anywhere fatal.”

As the crowd guffaws at Sirius’ dark humor, you bite your lip, figuring there’s no more preamble to delay the inevitable. You notch the arrow into the bowstring and draw.

Barely breathing, you don’t realize that Sirius has left your side until his words register from somewhere else, between you and Leon. You try to listen to what he’s saying, but it’s near impossible to hear over the blood pulsing in your ears.

An arrow-in-the-apple trick isn’t beyond your and Sirius’ skill level, but it is a skill. One that you only know how to do with Sirius, and you’re frantically trying to correct your posture to the height difference Leon has.

“Can I get a countdown from the audience?”

The audience counts ten aching seconds in unison, dread pooling in your gut as they inch closer to one.

By the time they reach the final number you’re shaking, but you loose the arrow without a second thought. It whizzes by your clothed eyes, and a second later thumps into something hollow.

You can hardly breathe, hardly think, putting all your energy into keeping a grip on the hefty bow in your hands.

In the theater, an eruption of cheers commences, and you untie the blindfold as artfully as you can with shaking fingers. The stage lights hit your eyes harshly, leaving the audience a cacophonous void, but you’re more invested in the fate of Leon.

Squinting at the other side of the stage, you don’t find Leon at all, but Sirius standing perfectly still under an arrow-pierced apple. It barely cleared his head.

As your eyes adjust, you find Leon safe and sound in his front row seat, smiling guiltily up at you.

+

“I could have killed him.”

The dressing room vanity digs into your ass as Sirius presses you up against it, licking down your neck.

“So?” he replies flippantly, fingering the top of your stockings.

“So?” you repeat, incredulous.

“Yeah, so what? Who cares?”

You grind your teeth to halt your immediate response. He’s baiting you, tricking you into some kind of admission that could feed his jealous instincts.

“I’m not super fond of becoming Mistress Manslaughter,” you joke dryly.

Sirius scoffs into your throat, sucking harshly at a spot below your ear.

“Yeah, right. Like I’d let you do that trick with anyone but me.” He palms your tits to punctuate his statement.

You moan, holding each end of his undone bow tie like a lifeline. His sleek black hair smells ever so slightly of apple, citrusy and sweet.

“Why bring him up at all, then?” you ask. “Why bother?”

Sirius lifts his head, panting.

“Cause, babe. I love a twist ending.” He winks garishly, prompting an eye roll from you. You prepare to return his attitude, but Sirius interrupts you. “I’m through talking about—” a slovenly kiss to your jaw,“—what’s-his-face.”

“Leon.”

Sirius bumps you up onto the vanity surface, pushing his hands up your skirt. His mouth and neck are covered in your red lipstick, his eyes dilated.

“How about you stop saying his name, and start saying mine?”

Lifting an eyebrow, you gently push at Sirius’ shoulders. His breath catches—so subtly you almost miss it, but nevertheless—as he kneels willingly before you.

“How about you give me a reason, and I’ll think about it,” you retort.

Achingly slow, Sirius starts to peel the fabric of your underwear off of your hips. You rest back onto the mirror, slotting a hand into his tousled hair. His mouth bites teasingly at your stockings where his fingers just were, but you know they’ll stay on. He likes them too much to remove them.

As your underwear hits the floor, Sirius slides you to the edge of the table, pinning you under his heated gaze.

“I think I can give you more than one.”

+

thank you for reading! 🏹

masterlist

[rensukei]

↻ ...bound to happen

in which a whipped diluc is head over heels and literally won't do anything about it, so you take matters into your own hands. [ triggered, chase atlantic ]

cw smut, diluc story quest spoilers. unhinged!diluc, pretty ooc bcause i got carried away, somewhat cocky reader, size kink, light hair pulling, fingering (f!receiving), lotsa dirty talk, petnames, unproteced sex (wrap b4 you tap ladies and gents), dilucs a slut. wc: 2.5k

a/n i go nuts for this man. loco.

it's late. late late. the angel's share has rid of all its patrons, save the boisterous few straggling at the bar top.

"and— and you know what i said to him?" kaeya slurs out.

you, out of your hefty adventurer's clothing and instead swapping them out for more casual and comfortable attire, stand leaning against the counter as you indulge in kaeya's inebriated antics. "what'd you say?"

"as a matter of fact... right now i can't recall what i—" he pauses, taking a deep breath before he finished his sentence, "what i said."

"well," you begin to make your way around the bar, grabbing the half-empty glass from in front of the man as his expression drops, "i believe it's time for you to head on home, captain."

"ah, what time is it?" he murmurs out, barely loud enough for you to hear.

"12:47," a voice calls out from the storage room, "would you like an escort? i bet y/n would be happy to see you out."

"oh nono, it's quite alright," the blue-haired man stated, recalling the last time you offered to help him outside and the daggers that were then stared into his back by the redhead from the tavern doorframe. "i'll be just fine on my own. thank you, though."

you sigh in relief; nothing against the captain, you just don't feel like dealing with a drunk person right now, no matter how good they are at holding their own. "ah okay then; well, goodnight kaeya!! be safe on your way home."

"will do, princess."

and with that, the angel's share is empty of drunkards and left with you and an irritable diluc.

"that was a lot easier than i had expected it to be, don't you think, 'luc?" you walk towards the storage room behind the bar but are started by his large frame appearing in the doorway.

"sure, princess." he huffs out, sliding past you to restock below the bar.

you know exactly what this means. your poor employer, mad that his brother has the common and occasional use of platonic petnames, is getting possessive. even though he's your employer. your boss, who has the frequent habit of letting his eyes linger for far too long or gets way to close to you when reaching for a certain bottle from across the bar, is stomping around because someone called you princess who wasn't him.

it's not like it goes unnoticed by you, either. you know he has developed a liking to you; whether it was before he asked you to work at the tavern or after, you don't know. all you know is that ever since you've been working there, he's suddenly taken more shifts, among other things.

"oh, please, diluc," you huff out, having dropped the whole 'master' ordeal early in your job at his request, "you know how he is, it's all respectful."

you know it's one of the more severe cases tonight when you're met with no response.

"'luc, c'mon. what's wrong?" you walk up behind him as he stands in the back room.

he swears you'll be the death of him one day. for a man with such restraint and politeness, you always test his limits. "nothing, y/n. excuse me while i finish this case," he turns around as his eyes widen, not expecting you to be so close to him, "you can go home, you're done for tonight."

"i'm not leaving, diluc." you say, moving in front of him to stop him in his tracks. a newfound surge of confidence ignites something deep within you, and you aren't playing coy today. "why do you always do this?"

he blinks, shaking himself out of his frozen stance. he has one of two options here: tell you to leave again for your own good, or stay and play dumb and watch as the situation unfolds. as much as he really wants to you leave for his sanity's sake, he picks the ladder. "do what?"

"oh, don't play stupid with me. you get so worked up over the smallest things when it comes to me." you behind walking towards him as he inches back with each step you take. "—and don't think i don't notice how you stare at me all the time, i'm not dumb."

with no more walls to hide behind or wine bottles to blame his business on, all he has left is you, him, and the few inches of space that separate your hot bodies. "y/n..."

"what's wrong, boss?" you lift your head to meet his unreadable gaze, your eagerness from the confrontation somehow still fueling the fire, "cat got your tongue?"

"you..." diluc is genuinely speechless, being able to do nothing other than bringing his hand up to cup your small flushed face. his thumb grazes your bottom lip as his mind roams the endless possibilities that this moment could turn into. his other arm finds itself wandering to your hips, pulling you into to his body and finally closing that painful gap that held you two apart. "you're insufferable," he whispers out.

"so," you sigh out a shaky breath, "whats it gonna be, 'luc?" your arms slide up and around his neck and pull him down closer to your face as you continue, "are you gonna leave me high and dry again," your hand entangles itself in his red curls, pulling the slightest bit as he takes in a sharp inhale, "or are you finally gonna take what's waiting right in front of you?"

both of you knew this was bound to happen one way or the other, the question just came to who would make the first move. its almost as if a clock was ticking for years and it finally went off; after all of the lingering touches and spared glances, the building tension and mutual pining—everything came to this. diluc lustfully envelops your lips in his as he pulls you impossibly closer, taking in everything you have to offer and more.

no words are said as your positions are switched when he hits your back into the wall behind you, earning himself a labored gasp from your lungs. this felt better than you had ever imagined; all those times you spent lying awake, fantasizing about your boos no less. its not like he's a saint, though. the young master has spent many nights staring at his ceiling, cursing his mind for plaguing himself with thoughts of you, shaking and begging beneath him.

the air seems to have gotten a considerable amount thicker as it's suddenly hard to breathe as strained gasps and broken moans fill the dim room.

"you have no idea how long i've waited to fuck you senseless, y/n." he forces out in between muffled kisses as your tongue passes over his lips, using this as an invitation to take your breath away with open-mouthed kisses as his hands begin to traverse your curves beneath your clothes.

"diluc, i-" you gasp out, taken aback by unanticipated intensity that he assaults you with.

"oh, now what's this, angel? cat got your tongue?" he mocks, diving back into your lips, never giving you a chance to catch your breath.

he carefully lifts your shirt in a silent plea for you to take it off; despite hit hurried nature, he's still got a hint of respect left. indulging in his wishes, you dispense of the garment, leaving just a simple bra in between him and your skin. all you can manage to get out is a broken whine, hovering close over the line of being way to lewd for the setting. getting impatient, diluc slips a hand past the waistband of your pants and begins to rub small circles into your aching bud.

the tent forming in his now tight trousers doesn't slip past you as he continues his effort on your searing core, working the most sinful sounds out of your kiss-flushed lips.

"oh, 'luc," you whimper out, grabbing his wrist in an insincere effort to pull him away for your heat as his fingers slip into your wet cunt, "please—"

"yeah, lemme hear you, baby," he mindlessly grinds into your hip with his continued ministrations, "oh, archons—gotta get you ready for me, yeah? 're ya gonna take it all f'me?" you have no idea where this side of him is coming from but zero complaints will ever be heard from you. "you look so pretty all breathless for me, angel," his fingers hit that bundle of nerves within you that have your head thrown back and your legs quivering beneath you, threatening to give out.

you love this feeling—his large frame looming over yours as he undoes you with his skilled hands. the tent forming in his trousers is nearly unbearable at this point as his lustful eyes watch every twitch he sends through your wavering body.

diluc slides his fingers out of your leaking heat, bringing them up to taste the slick that has accumulated up on his digits, pulling a deep groan out from his throat. impatient and insatiable, he drags your pants and underwear down all together, leaving your bare cunt out. the cold air biting at your core with the added embarrassment of being exposed in front of someone who is basically staring holes through you causes you to try and cover up, but diluc is quick to grab hold of your wrists.

"do you not want it?" he teases, a hint of worry and sincerity behind his dark tone.

"no, i—" you sharply inhale as you feel his cock spring out from his pants and hit your naked thigh, dumbstruck by the sheer size of him, "i, um..."

"you... what?" his head lowers as he presses kisses and marks all down your neck, "darling, if you don't tell me what you want, how will i know, hm?"

at this point you're contemplating if you should even continue this; the mere thought of his dick being inside of your tight little hole is enough to make anyone shudder; it's huge. unfortunately, you're way too hot and way too deep in this to deny it. luckily though, you have just enough spunk left to fuck with him.

"d—don't try and act all high and, mmmhh, and mighty, just because you're finally about to fuck me," you stumble a bit, but eventually get it out, "last time i checked, y—you had to fuck your hand in the bathroom because me ass brushed up against y—diluc!!"

amused and a bit fed up with your antics, diluc pushes his tip in past your wet folds without warning, earning a deep groan from his lungs. archons, the way he can feel you stretch around him; he could relive that moment forever. he hikes your legs up around his hips, pressing his length farther into your lewd hole, procuring the most licentious lascivious looks and noises from your pretty face. he says nothing as he sits still for a moment as he acclimates himself to the asphyxiating feeling of you enveloping him completely.

"i'm gonna start moving," he uses one hand to guide your face to meet his gaze, "is that alright with you, y/n?"

you melt under his light but assertive touch, mindlessly nodding to agree. he languidly pulls himself out and slowly slides back in with his lips slightly parted in concentration.

it takes little to no time for him to reach a sickening pace, pounding into your poor cunt as you gasp out, no longer trying to keep a quiet voice. having already been worked up by him earlier, you were quick to reach your climax. all it took was the suffocating feeling of his cock hitting you right there as you unfolded in his grasp.

"oh, y/n—fuck, i'm close," he huffs out as he thrusts into you at a sickening pace, his rhythm faltering as he nears his limit. "ahh—ah!" he stutters out while his hot cum spills into your core. whispers of profanity are thrown around as you both ride out the high, gasping for any air you can intake. he looks beautiful like this. his red curls loose in his hair tie, flowing over his tensed shoulders with little pieces stuck to his forehead. his face displays an expression of one that you could paint so many pictures of in your mind.

with both of you heaving in the afterglow, reality snapped back into diluc’s mind. his eyes widen in a panic-stricken manner as his hands fly up to grasp your shoulders, "oh... oh my archons.... i'm so sorry, y/n, i..." hes speechless. what got into him?

you, breathless, just want to go somewhere and lay down somewhere comfortable. ""luc, its fine, i came onto you and i probably shouldn't have pushed you like that—"

"no no, are you okay? did.... did i hurt you at all? archons..." his hands come up to run through his unkempt hair.

sensing his increasing anxiety, you pull his hands down and gently place them on your bare hips. "diluc," you wait until he meets your gaze, "im okay. more than okay, actually."

"..y/n...." for someone who was so insanely explicit, he's rather quiet now as a hint of a blush falls upon his face.

on your tippy toes, you stretch up to place a chaste kiss on his cheek after you finish redressing. "i need to get going, okay? i'll see you tomorrow when i come in for my shift."

just as you begin to walk out, his hand reaches out to lightly wrap around your dainty wrist in protest, an unreadable expression covering his face.

"um..." he definitely wasn't ready to say whatever he was thinking, if he was thinking at all in that moment, but he never let go of your wrist. "i've got a nice shower at the manor.. if you'd like."

a smile creeps over your complexion, "that sounds wonderful, 'luc, thank you." your hand moved to intertwine it with his. "but... try not to go rogue on me this time, okay? i was surprised by you back there."

this time?? is there even going to be another time? the mere thought of this possibly happening again is enough to fry his brain, but his embarrassment from his previous unhinged manner is the only thing he's able to focus on right now. "gods... i really am sorry, y/n. i... i just finally had you after wanting you for so long and i just snapped."

"yeah, snapped my back." you giggle out.

walking back to the winery, you remember how you got here in the first place. kaeya was a good wingman whether he knew it or not.

maybe from now on, your boss doesn't have to be just your boss.

©𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 :: tpwk!!

[navree]

this is dc twitter discourse at the moment so i thought i'd ask your thoughts on it do you think red hood jason hurting children is ooc/a bad writing choice???

And this ladies and gents is why I avoid DC Twitter because I don't think I've seen any good takes there ever, no matter where you are. Sometimes people post panel compilations that hurt my heart, that's the like the only good thing to come out of it, I don't even click on the MAWS hashtag if it trends while the show is airing because last time I did it was people bitching that 25 year old Slade did not look or act the same way that current in his forties Slade does (not to mention, how can you complain about MAWS Slade? he's the best part about the show how did anyone not just fall over laughing with delight the second he showed up and proclaimed himself to be literal Slade Wilson?).

With that said, yeah I would consider that to be a bad writing choice. Talking about characterization for comics is hard because, as I've mentioned, comics is an incredibly decentralized creative medium in a way none others are. Movies, TV shows, novels, they all tend to have a main core group of people or even just one solitary person in charge of the creative direction, and for a lot of them, a very finite "this is where we start and this is where we end" mentality that comics do not. These characters have had constantly changing creative heads, with new directions and ideas for characterization attached, since their inception, and they've all been around for a very long time. This is why comics are kind of the only medium where you can, in fact, really pick and choose your canon, because the canon has changed so much depending on who is in charge at a giant company. Like, canonical eighties Batman characterization would be considered super OOC for someone writing canonical modern Batman, and vice versa. So talking about characterization is hard, especially with Jason when nobody has had any idea what to fucking do with him for decades at this point. But, when it comes to Red Hood Jason, there is something I consider gospel canon, which is the Under the Red Hood arc, since that is what nearly all subsequent canon imaginings of Jason take from. That is our gold standard here. And based on UTRH, yeah, Jason harming children is out of character and it is bad writing.

When Jason comes back, he has two very clear goals. Goal one: the Joker's gotta die, preferably Batman kills him so Jason gets concrete proof that he was loved and mourned (Jason is not mentally healthy so his thought process doesn't make sense just roll with it), but Jason is fine killing the man himself, so long as he dies. Goal two: essentially fulfill Batman's mission in a way where it actually accomplishes his goals. Jason outlines this pretty specifically in Batman #641, he tells Bruce "You. I'll be you. The you you're supposed to be." Jason's goal as the Red Hood is to make Gotham better (in his head), safer, and cleaner, but unlike Batman he is willing to take that goal as far as he can and will kill if necessary. What he wants is to just take Batman's mission to its logical extreme. Eradicate the various elements that have caused suffering in Gotham throughout the years, just with more permanence than Batman does, and less of a focus on rehabilitation, because you can't rehabilitate a dead person. And as part of this, Jason does not act unnecessarily. When he kills, it is people who (arguably) deserve it, and it is never innocents. It is always the criminal element, and people he believes are past the point of no return, as well as those who might be trying to stop him in that. His mission statement is literally "Death will come to those who deserve death, and death may come to those who stand in my way of doing what's right." and he means that. This is not a character you've created to then go out and harm children, because kids have not done anything to deserve it, and they are not the cause of the issues that he is trying to eliminate.

There's also the fact that Jason, even in his early Red Hood days where editorial just decided that he's a straight villain now, was never someone who went after kids, but in fact actively tried to help them. He makes it a point to tell his people that they do not sell drugs to kids and that if they do, he'll kill them (along with telling them not to get previously clean people hooked and only sell to repeats, which also paints him as someone who isn't just hurting others willy-nilly). The first person Jason ever kills, as seen in Red Hood: Lost Days, is a man who was involved in child trafficking, and he does it specifically because he wants to save those kids and future victims from him, and considers him scum of the Earth as a result (I think his name was Egan? Egon? idfk I don't reread Lost Days because I find their whole "look at fully adult Talia fucking the mentally ill sixteen year old under her care who is reliant on her for everything, how sexy" shtick abhorrent, and using Talia as their child rapist doubly so). So Jason, even at his most villainous, at his most "this is a bad dude" characterized, is someone who deliberately avoids harming innocents because it's not compatible with his mission or his personal code, and includes children very specifically in that.

It is also out of character and a bad writing choice because of Jason's own childhood. You might think a rebuttal to this is "Jason wants to kill/hurt criminals, what if kids are criminals" well guess what Jason was a kid criminal! It is actually illegal to steal parts off of people's cars, even if that person can afford it because he's Batman (to say nothing of the multiple very heavy handed hints dropped that Jason solicited as a prostitute during his time being homeless, which is also a crime, it is illegal and he would have been picked up by the cops for it if found out). Unless you want to argue that Jason thinks he himself should have been taken out with a Glock at the big of age of eleven for doing illegal things in the name of survival, you can't say that Jason's philosophy would allow him to harm children and remain in character or decently written, you just can't. Like, your other gospel for Jason's characterization should be his original Robin run from the 80s, since that's literally what introduced him to this world in the first fucking place, so duh. And there's nothing in that characterization to suggest that he would harm anyone unnecessarily, especially kids. Like, Robin Jason spares Two-Face's life, after having found out days ago that Two-Face murdered Willis Todd in cold blood; he tries to save Sheila Haywood's life after she straight up helps murder him; this isn't someone whose characterization allows for him to hurt children later in life. Especially once you factor in his struggles as a child, and how that most likely just breeds empathy for other children, especially children who are having a hard time.

Now, I can guess that some of this comes up in discussions of one of my most loathed subjects, the stupid bad stupid dumb stupid attack on fucking Titan's Tower. Now, even beyond the fact that the stupid attack on stupid Titan's Tower is less about Jason wanting to beat up children and more his specific issues with Bruce and the concept of Robin that can't be transplanted to other people, the attack itself is bad writing. It is out of character for Jason. It does not jive at all with his stated characterization and motivations that he himself outlined (also the only other closest thing to that is his fight with Mia Dearden, where he's pretty tame in just warning her to leave vigilantism and straight up beats her twice before letting her go relatively unscathed of his own free will, just saying) and it makes no sense. His issues are that the Joker is alive and Batman didn't do anything about it. Why the fuck would he care about Tim? Tim means nothing to him, he never even met the little dude, he doesn't have an issue with him. He doesn't even have an issue with the idea of Robin being passed down because Jason literally said he was perfectly content to not be Robin and just be Jason, and his problems don't arise from Robin! The issues at the heart of Jason's conflict with Bruce hinge on the Bruce and Jason relationship of father and son, not Batman and Robin! And not fucking Tim! Tim means nothing, he is a nonentity. The only reason this fuckass plot exists is because DC didn't know what to do with Jason and threw shit at the wall to see what would stick, similar to what we saw with that dumb plot with Nightwing from this time that also has similar issues, in that why would Jason care enough to cause problems for Dick, he doesn't have an issue with Dick, he legit interacts with Dick in UTRH and he's fine! (a better writing decision would have been post-UTRH Jason immediately writing the entire Batfam off and treating them as hostiles whenever they wander into Crime Alley and them having to regain his trust back/him agreeing to let down more and more barriers as time goes on and they all reconnect, but I was like seven when all this was being written so DC didn't seek my input) The fucking dumb Titan's Tower thing that people are gonna use to prove that Jason hurting kids isn't bad writing isn't even about Jason, the only reason this shit gets trotted out again and again is because Tim Drake has a lot of fans who are absolutely convinced their poor uwu baby has suffered more than Jesus when the only person in the Batfam who's suffered less than him is, like, Alfred (although I can make the argument that Alfred has still suffered more by having had to put up with Bruce Wayne almost singlehandedly for most of his adult life). It exists in people's minds even tho it is objectively bad writing and out of character for one of the main players because fanon Tim has to be the most special boy ever (and also because these people wanna use it to make Tim interesting which is impossible because nothing can make Tim interesting).

Jason hurting children deliberately is, indeed, bad writing. It is, in fact, incredibly out of character. It does not compute to his explicit motivations and how he was characterized in the stories that have since been used as a jumping off point for his characterization ever since. And ultimately, the thing is this: if Red Hood Jason is just trying to do Batman's job better than Batman, who is he doing it for if not children? Who is he trying to clean up Gotham for, make Gotham a better place for, if not her children? And if that's the case, as it obviously is, why on Earth would him then harming her children be any kind of good character writing or coherent characterization?

TL;DR, yes it is.

[slashingdisneypasta]

Good Day For It Thugs x Reader || Headcanons

Topic: Smut HC's.

Including/Warnings:

Dale Acton: Mild dub con with (Love/Hate kinda thing+restraining you) and public sex+masturbation.

Norman Tyrus: Cockwarming and shower sex.

Wayne Jackson: Necessary use of boner pills, masturbation (and getting caught), public sex kink, and possession/sort of manipulation through sex.

Wayne's is a doozy, not gonna lie 😅 They're all good though XD

Dale Acton:

One thing that happens a l o t, is that Dale annoys you into hate sex. Hear me out here: Dale can be annoying as hell, and lot of the time- he means to be. He thinks its so fucking fun, and you're so fucking cute when you're annoyed at him. He pokes the bear as much as he can, picking on you and nudging you and just in general making himself a hUGE NUISENCE, until you give in and start snapping at him ('Would you shut up??'). Then arguing with him ('Baby, come on, hey- I was just fucking around a bit with you!- ' 'Don't you 'baby' me right now, Dale- '). Then finally you go to swat him or even wack him on the shoulder, because he is JUST THAT INFURIATING, with that perpetually amused dumbass grin on his face even when you're yelling at him, and he shoves you against the wall ('Watch it, babe, you're playin' with the big boys now'). Or pins you to the bed ('You like that? Huh? you like gettin' held down like you're nothin'?'). Or just holds your arms still by the wrists away from him ('Careful... you wouldnt wanna hurt me, would you babe?'); still with that FUCKING SMILE ON HIS DAMN FACE--

He teases you some more, liking the way you struggle, then somehow you two are making out and you're undoing his belt and you're wet as fuck, or you're making out and he's still holding you down but he grinds into you like an evil horny gremlin, or he forces your face into the bed and you clutch the sheets, or-

Look, you get the point. Moving on-

Dale is not great at using his mouth. He can kiss perfectly fine but when he gets down there, its really just... wet. But he can be taught! And he's eager to try (he loves your cunt/cock!) so, uh... *shrugs* yeah. You can pretty much mold him into the perfect cocksucker/cunt licker. Did I say that??... yes I did. Welp-

This man a l w a y s gets a boner when you spoon. He just cant handle it, having your cute ass so close to him.

Sort of an add on to the last dot point- DALE WILL TOTALLY FUCK YOU IN A MOTEL BED WITH NORMAN AND WAYNE IN THE ROOM ASLEEP. THIS MAN HAS N O CHILL. He begs until you give in, just going 'we'll be quiet. come on, just let me stick it in baby. just the tip. i promise. no one'll know. i'll be quick. i gotta- '

Sexting. You two totally sext, and have phone sex. Send him a pic while he's out 'working' with the guys and he'll have to make his way to the nearest bathroom soon-as; locking the public restroom door behind him like an asshole, leaning back on it, pulling out his dick and calling you up so you can talk him through it.

Norman Tyrus:

Soft Dom. Soft Dommmm!!! Like, he's controlling- you are his baby girl and he's the boss here ('I'm in charge here, not you, sorry sweetheart.')... but he's really nice to you XD Loves praising you. 'Sweetheart take it slow, we got some time... ', 'Fuck... you're so damn cute like that.', 'Y'think you can do that again?... I ain't done with you, pretty thing', 'Shit- Did I tell you I love you today?', 'Come on baby, I know you got some more in you. You're doing so fucking good.', 'Thaaaats it... such a good little cocksucker.', etc.

On an even softer note- Norman. Hates. PDA. Sorry ladies and gents (and all y'all in between and outside the regular gender norms), but the last thing he wants is to have any of the guys (Or anyone, really), seeing him - or you, - in such a gentle state. But that just makes your time alone all the better and more intimate between you. You're the only one who gets to see him like that. This, big, mean, scary crime guy is only ever soft and gentle and sweet, alone with you.

Okay now back to the sex-

You. finish. first. Every time. He makes it his business to make sure you, his doll, cum's good first thing.

One thing Norman is definitely into- is cockwarming. He's a busy man but he doesn't want to neglect you, so why don't you keep him company? God, the first time he suggests it ,its very clear its not his first time; That this is something he brings to every relationship. You're just moping on the couch in his office while he does paperwork, flicking through a book or playing game son your phone, when Norman sighs and separates from his desk enough to make room for you in his lap. 'Cmere'. When you round the desk and see his cock out, you go bug-eyed, but he is so?? completely?? without shame?? So straight-faced with that monster dick out and half-hard on his lap? Its a completely undeniable look for him, and you were turned on immediately seeing him like that, and you took your seat.

So you sit, milking him for upwards of an hour while he does his work; even makes and takes calls with you nestled around him. He remains hard the whole time.

Shower sex!! Sometimes shower time is the only private time the two of you have alone together (But y'all do it when you're perfectly alone and have time, too), and, honestly?? He loves seeing you naked. I don't care if you're skinny, fat, muscly or somewhere in between, he l o v e s how you look. He cant get enough. And he's not shy about his own body, either.

Shower sex isn't just needy, desperate rutting with Norman. Its slow, its him appreciating your body and you kissing all over him. Its staying in there until the water gets cold. ... then some desperate rutting and fucking you into the wall.

Wayne Jackson:

First of all, you must give him a warning at least 45 minutes prior. The man needs to take his boner pills! But I dunno, maybe its just me and my having mostly old man F/O's but I think thats kinda endearing, in a way XD

A lotta the time your sexcapades (Yes i just said that) involve watching TV and waiting for 'it to happen' (The pills to kick in), and then- 🤣🤣 And then- 🤣- Wayne will go like 'woah- alright up & attem, honey, we're ready to go, hop on'. XDDDD Sexy, huh??? XDD 😂😭

Of course, the other way that this could go is that you spend a good chunk of time with foreplay. Now, Wayne's lazy, and an ass, but I do think he likes a little foreplay. Especially if he can just sit back with you in his lap giving him kisses and rolling your hips all-needy against him- and, of course, if he can tease you.

AND- OH BOY THE TEASING. Okay okay okay. His voice gets growlier the more turned on he is. You didn't think it was possible, but it does.

Oh my god, he LOVES. TO CATCH. YOU TOUCHING YOURSELF. He could be in such a foul mood getting home from 'work', but the moment hears that??? Or walks in and sees you?? You've never seen the bastard so pleased XD Something about the fact that this isn't for him, the fact that he wasn't meant to be there, wasn't meant to know about this-- makes this creepy old man feel young again. Like, no need for a pill. He's good. 'Well wouldja look at that... Ready to go, honey?'. But lorddddd, could you imagine that man walking in on you like that?? That shit-eating grin? 'Ooh, now what's that you're watchin?', '... 😏watcha got under the covers there, sweetheart?', 'well damn, am I late to the party?'.

Sort of the same thing as one of Dale's dot points- but Wayne h a s b e e n k n o w n to get frisky in the same room that the others are sleeping in. He's not gonna full on fuck you, because this is way less about his sexual pleasure and more about his cruel nature (He loves to put you in Situations. It is so fun for him.). So it'll be him feeling you up, or him throwing an am over your waist from behind and fingering you. The important part is 'you better stay silent, sweetheart, or everyone's gonna know what a naughty little thing you are.'

Okay. A bit of a feelsy one here.

Wayne definitely gets jealous and possessive. If someone else (Especially someone better then him. Don't get it twisted, the man knows he's a no-good loser. Usually he doesn't mind... but he still resents people who have got their shit together), someone taller, or younger, or richer, or nicer- pays attention to you, Wayne gets spiteful. And bitter.

And then when you two are alone again he gets kind of... uhhh... full-on. Sex with Wayne is never all that serious- and even if it is, a it of humour is never too far away. But in times like these he is t o t a l l y serious, and honestly?? A lot better then he usually is. He really steps it up. You suspected that he had to be better then he seemed, he sure was old enough to be, but you didn't know he could kiss you like this. You didn't know he could eat you out or suck you off- at all. You didn't know he knew about that one Spot.

You learn a lotta things about what he knows how to do, and how he's just being lazy and greedy most of the time.

He finally shows you his real game, because he wants to prove to you he's the one you want. Pull out the big guns, he figures, and you'll stick around.

... oh and finally. i'm pretty sure he has a breeding kick of some description. do not let this man get you pregnant; he will not pay child support.

[yesimadeanotherblogfuckoff]

GO S2 OPENING ANALYSIS PT 1 (also Potential GO spoilers idk)

I haven't really seen anyone go in depth on the opening for season two yet so I'm making to this to point out all the things i spotted and some theories this is SUPER LONG POST SO BE WARNED

Crowley crawls up while Aziraphale floats down which is fitting but there's also storm clouds in the distance so there might be a scene after the flood or it's a sign of impending doom

right after crowley and aziraphale go through that dark tunnel Gabriel(?) can be spotted with that infamous box

they're in the middle of a scorched village and crowley sets goats on fire which pretty much confirms that they are somehow going to be involved with the story of Job if not directly involved

here we have that Gabriel statue from the trailer and a gravestone with "EVERYDAY" written on it, the reoccurring song that somehow related to the mystery

here's another gravestone with something written on it, this was the best photo i could get and i tried lightening it but i can't figure out what it says so if anyone has any ideas feel free to share

gravestone with jane austen on it, this author has been referenced quite a bit from the info we have about s2 so far and is on the cover for the episode "The Ball" so looking forward to that

"HERE LIES THE FORMER SHELL OF BEELZLEBUB" so i guess that's Neil's explanation for them having a different actor? Beelzebub molted? gross but very creative

also im pretty sure that bottom one says "Here Lies ADAM" as in antichrist Adam? oh man i hope he isn't dead he was such a sweet kid

there's a guillotine in the far back during their walk through hell hope that isn't foreshadowing anything 0-0

they also have this office on a pillar above the fiery pit of hell which i find very funny but this could also maybe be related to Shax? where she used to work maybe??

a sign for an underground train station so i guess we'll be expecting a train station scene of some kind?

the group walks through this gate with "GENTS" at the top no idea what that implys but i'll put it here anyways

there's a "WINGS FOR VICTORY" sign on the side of this bus which is a reference to British saving campaigns during WWII so confirms more WWII era stuff with aziraphale and crowley

there is this poster for STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN and my first thought was the LED ZEPPLIN song but actually it's a reference this 1946 movie

in which a British wartime aviator who cheats death must argue for his life before a celestial court, hoping to prolong his fledgling romance with an American girl

so thats INTERESTING and COOL and totally doesn't imply ANYTHING about aziraphale and crowley's relationship or (potentially) maggie and nina's

but there is also a Zeppelin (it looks more like a blimp but whatever) and later on they go into a theater which looks very similar to the album cover for Stairway to Heaven

so I'm not gonna rule it out

there's a poster that says "THE FABULOUS LADIES OF CAMELOT" which is probably the group name of the show girls we saw in the trailer it says they are performing at the Windmill Theatre in London which is real and very famous for its Windmill girls who performed as nude living statues

i think this box is part of that saw a person in half trick and i can't wait to see Aziraphale attempt this trick and miserably fail like he always does, lot of laughs for sure

here's aziraphale on stage in his magician's outfit from the trailer but crowley is there as well so maybe he's his assistant? if so thats super funny and explains why crowley is not a fan of his magic act later on

very cute moment of crowley and aziraphale twirling around each other in the stars (this could be a nod to that moment that people spoiled for the first two episodes will know what im talking about )

this bridge they're walking on could potentially be the Humber Bridge near Kingston upon Hull, East Riding of Yorkshire, England (?)

or just a random ass bridge lol i do love to theorize tho

this airplane has "THY KINGDOM AIRWAYS" on its side very funny gag

these cotton candy hearts appear to be raining from the sky which im not sure what that implies but this season is focusing more on romance so it fits (also crowley and azira sitting together on the roof cute <3)

here we have maggie's record shop and nina's cafe right next to each other with record banners on the street, maybe a promotional party for the store? there's also a jukebox with records stacked in front of it. there's a promotional image of aziraphale holding everyday on vinyl (that i can't find sorry) so maybe he's gonna use this jukebox to play it?

i believe this is Gabriel(?) holding the package and going down an elevator from Heaven so he wasn't lying about needing to deliver something to Aziraphale something must've happened to him on his way over

one of the group is holding a sign for the "The 2nd Coming" as in the second coming of Jesus Christ?

A bar called The Dirty Donkey, new location for aziraphale and crowley to dine at? there's a smaller sign there but it's impossible to read HOWEVER

it looks like a holy figure standing in front of the opening of a cave, maybe an angel? considering the clothing maybe Jesus Christ?

I'm at my limit for photos so I will continue this in my next post!

(edit: here's the link for pt 2)

[ssivinee]

❥ 𝙻𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝙻𝚒𝚚𝚞𝚘𝚛

Aespa! Karina aka Yoo Jimin x F reader: After a fantastic night at the Siren nightclub, Y/n's next shift turns into a frustrating ordeal as her bad luck seems to continue throughout the night. Despite the chaos, a surprise visit from a certain idol offers a bright spot in the evening. Her genuine interest leads to an unexpected and hopeful turn in Y/n's night.

Word Count: 3.4 k

Author's Note: Well, this felt a bit rushed, ngl BUT I wanted to pump out another fic since I've been gone for so long. I'll make more masterlists but I wanted more fics out before i do that. AS PER MY GIRLFRIENDS REQUEST, I'll probably be working on Mai from IZNA. But while I do that my reqs are open rn, so don't be afraid to ask for something or just to chat please!

Loving your job was an understatement. Working at the Siren nightclub for the past three years has given you a bunch of new friendships, evolving skills, and endless excitement. The bouncy energy of the place never fails to keep you alive, making each night a unique adventure.

The night prior, the club buzzed like usual as the staff gathered for a meeting with the boss. The air was hyped, knowing that the night shift usually had the most energy out of all the staff. Your boss, a man with a weird love for motivational speeches, stood at the center of the group, flailing his hands as he spoke.

"Ladies and gents," he began, his voice cutting through the low hum of whispered conversations, "our business is booming. But we can't rest on our achievements right now. There's always room for improvement." The Siren wasn’t just a job; it was a second home, a place where you poured your heart and soul into every shift.

As the meeting wrapped up, you felt ready to go, changing into your scarlet red top and clipping your name tag on. Serving customers at the establishment was always a blast. The regulars, with their easygoing and outgoing personalities, kept your shifts eventful, as if you were handing out drinks to a group of your old-time friends every night. It often felt like you were part of a flirtatious game show, with witty banter and playful exchanges keeping you on your toes.

The night was in full swing when you found yourself behind the bar, the neon lights casting a variation of colors across the room. A customer with vibrant pink hair staggered up to the counter, her eyes glassy from one too many drinks. She leaned in, her voice slurring as she spoke.

“You come around here often, huh?” she asked, her words tumbling over each other in a tipsy jumble. You couldn't help but chuckle at her drunken attempt at flirting. “Uh, yeah? Cause I work here?” you replied, pure amusement in your tone.

Another familiar face appeared a few minutes after her. Iseul, a regular with short brunette hair, leaned on the counter. She was evidently trying to push her cleavage forward, hoping to catch your eye. “Have I told you how pretty you look today, Y/n?” she asked, her voice dripping with exaggerated sweetness.

You laughed, shaking your head. “Yes, Iseul, you have. About ten times, in fact.”

Nearby, a blonde woman, clearly worse for wear after four hours of partying, tried to stand up straight. “Trust me, I'm not drunk,” she insisted, her words lacking conviction. You tried helping her sit back in her seat, firmly sitting her down, and placed a glass of ice-cold water in front of her.

“Yes, you are, ma’am,” you replied, tone patient yet firm.

She shook her head furiously, only to make herself dizzier. “You just intoxicate me,” she declared, her attempt at flirtation endearing in its clumsiness.

These interactions never failed to amuse you. The same women who flirted with you in their inebriated state would always come in sober and composed, their proper demeanor starkly contrasting to their playful-drunk selves. The comparison always made you chuckle, a reminder of alcohol being such a powerful thing.

That night wore on, and the club kept going with life. Music pounded through the speakers, a hypnotic beat that drew people to the dance floor. The bar was full of activity, with drinks being mixed and constantly served by three bartenders behind the bar. 

As you handed a cocktail to a waiting patron, you noticed a group of newcomers entering the club. They seemed to be on the younger side. Their attire, hair, and loud energy gave you a glimpse of what was to come from them. One of them, a shorter woman with doll-like features, seemed the calmest of the six girls who walked in. She sauntered up to the bar, her gaze locking onto yours with a hint of curiosity.

“What's your specialty?” she asked, her voice smooth and confident, contradicting her looks. She seemed to want to make a move, but you were extremely cautious with how young she looked.

You smiled, and she leaned slightly forward. “Depends on what you're in the mood for,” you replied, your tone inviting.

She considered this momentarily before her lips curved into a mischievous smile. “Surprise me.”

You gave her a kurt nod and began crafting a drink that was as intriguing as she was. As you worked, you could feel her eyes on you, as if she wanted to elongate the interaction. When you finally handed her the finished cocktail, she took a sip, her expression one of pleasant surprise.

“This is amazing,” she said, her eyes meeting yours in approval.

“Glad you like it,” you replied, a sense of satisfaction warming you from within.

As the final hours of your shift approached, you found yourself reflecting on the evening's events. The flirtatious exchanges, the thrill of crafting the perfect drink—all of it culminated in a deep sense of fulfillment. 

By the time the last patrons had filtered out and the lights dimmed, you were exhausted but content. 

Well... that was last night, and now you find yourself extremely irritated at 10 pm because of everything that just occurred in the past four hours. It was now the next day, and everything and everyone seemed to get on your nerves. The night before had been such a contrast to how this shift was shaping up.

Walking into the Siren at 7 pm, you were feeling somewhat under the weather due to a migraine that had been coming and going throughout the day. But before you could even clock in, you realized your bad luck was only beginning.

A stumbling drunk customer, barely able to hold his drink, bumped into you, sending a full glass of Paloma crashing onto your chest. The strong smell of lime and grapefruit clung to your clothes, and you could already feel the sticky liquid seeping through the fabric of your beige shirt… which was just newly washed, so you were feeling great.

Note the sarcasm.

“Seriously?” you muttered under your breath, trying to keep your cool. The customer mumbled an apology, but despite being annoyed to acknowledge it, you shook your head softly following your words, “no worries”. You rushed to the staff room, grabbing your scarlet uniform. Changing quickly, you hoped the rest of the night would improve, but that was too simple to ask for.

Just as you finished buttoning up your clean shirt, your boss walked in, his expression unusually serious. “Hey, Y/n, got a minute?” he asked, his tone making you wary.

“Sure, what’s up?” you replied, trying to sound casual despite your irritation.

“I need you to train three new employees for the morning shifts. They start in two days,” he said, dropping the bombshell without any warning.

Your jaw dropped. “Wait, what? But there's already a lead bartender for the morning shifts. Why me? Also, Doyun, don't think that I'm being disrespectful to you, okay? But three new people would be a lot on my plate.”

He shrugged, looking apologetic but firm. “We need someone experienced, and you're the best we've got. You know Ilsung just became the lead about two months ago. Just do it, okay? I’ll give you extra these days if it makes you feel better.”

Frankly… that didn’t make you feel better at all. Frustration bubbled up inside you. Training one new person was manageable, but three? And for the morning shifts, no less. You could already feel the extra work piling onto your shoulders. You nodded stiffly, knowing there was no point in arguing.

You even tried heading out to the bar just for a few minutes of peace, hoping to calm down before you could continue your long shift. But the customers tonight seemed to be testing your patience. They were needier than usual, constantly waving you over for refills, complaints, and special requests.

One lady demanded her drink be remade three times, insisting it wasn’t mixed right… when it was literally just a Margarita. Another kept trying to flirt with you, ignoring your polite but firm rejections as you weren’t in the mood tonight.

“Can I get some actual service here?” one woman snapped, tapping her empty glass on the counter. You forced a smile, biting back a retort as you took her glass to refill it.

“Helloooooo? I’ve been trying to get your attention for a good five minutes now!” the other lady practically barks at you and your three coworkers. Yet you didn’t even see her standing there for any longer than a minute. “I’m so sorry for the wait, ma���am. What would you like tonight?”

She scoffed and your friendly tone, “Three Negroni’s.” You simply begin making the drinks, “wanna start a tab?”

“No shit, I wanna start a tab. That’s three drinks right there,” okay, rude. You try your best not to roll your eyes, and once you are done serving and taking her credit card, you pass it to your other coworker, “This Yu Jihye lady. Take her for the night, please. I can’t handle her right now.” Your coworker nods, feeling bad from hearing your tired tone.

As the night dragged on, your irritation grew. Every spilled drink, every rude comment, every demanding customer chipped away at your patience. The lively atmosphere that usually energized you now felt suffocating. You couldn't wait for your shift to end.

In a rare lull, you leaned against the bar, trying to catch your breath. Your coworker, Mari, sidled up next to you, her expression sympathetic. “Rough night, huh?”

“You have no idea,” you sighed. “First, I get drenched in Paloma, then I find out I have to train three new people for morning shifts, and the customers tonight are driving me insane.”

Mari winced. “Yikes. That’s a lot to deal with. Want me to take over for a bit?”

You shook your head, appreciating the offer but knowing you had to push through. “Thanks, but I’ll manage. Just needed a moment.”

With a deep breath, you straightened up and returned to the fray. The bar continued to buzz with activity, the energy of the place almost overwhelming. Then, a group of women walked in, immediately drawing attention with their presence. You recognized them from their music videos—Aespa. They were in town, and NingNing had mentioned this place to them.

Siren was also quite known for having female idols to chill at, and they wouldn’t be bombarded with fans. This is usually why the prices were high at the establishment.

Karina led the group, her black hair styled in a chic wolf cut that framed her face perfectly. She wore a casual yet classy outfit that radiated confidence.

They approached the bar, chatting excitedly. As they drew closer, Karina noticed you talking to Mari, clearly frustrated. Her gaze lingered on you, curiosity evident in her eyes.

“Hey, can we get some drinks to start?” NingNing asked, smiling brightly.

You took a deep breath, trying to shake off the frustration. “Of course,” you replied, putting on your best smile. “What can I get for you?”

As they placed their orders, Karina watched you closely. She didn’t particularly know why she observed you so much. Yes, you were attractive, but she also worked in an industry full of attractive faces.

You felt a strange sense of calm wash over you as you prepared their drinks, focusing on the task at hand. When you handed them their drinks, Karina’s eyes met yours, and she smiled.

“Thanks,” she said, her voice soft but clear. “Rough night?”

You let out a heavy sigh before responding. “You could say that,” you admitted, managing a genuine smile. “It’s nice to see some new faces, though.”

Karina’s smile widened, and she nodded. “First time here. NingNing’s friend recommended it.”

“I could tell. Well, welcome to the Siren,” you said, your mood lifting slightly. “Hope you have a great time.”

They moved to a table, but you couldn’t shake the feeling of Karina’s eyes on you. As the night went on, she returned to the bar for another drink. “Back for more?” you asked, trying to keep your tone light.

Karina leaned against the bar, her casual yet classy outfit making her look effortlessly stunning. “Yeah, just wanted to chat a bit. You seem interesting.”

You chuckled, feeling a bit out of character as a nervous energy crept in. “Interesting, huh? That’s a first.” She laughed, a sound that felt like music to your ears. “So, what’s it like working here?” 

“Usually, it's amazing. The interactions are fun, watching everyone mingle and getting to know everyone.”

“But tonight is just one of those nights, huh?” She points out, and you nod tiredly. “Quite observant of you,” you joke, and she smiles a little. “It's kind of my role to take care of my members, and I guess it's an instinct thing at this point.”

You hand another customer their drink and begin making another round of her own. “You said you could tell we're new here? Do you know all the customers?”

“Pretty much, but it seems like there are a bunch of new faces today. Besides, how could I ever forget Aespa and their gorgeous leader?” You unconsciously slip in ‘gorgeous’ and don’t realize until you see Karina’s dangerous, intimidating stare. “Well, aren't you quite the charmer?”

You smile, are a genuine one-for-one, and keep chatting. You found yourself opening up, talking about the ups and downs of the job, the interesting characters you met, and the occasional chaos. Karina listened intently, her eyes never leaving yours. There was something genuine in her interest that made you feel comfortable, something you hadn’t felt with anyone else before.

After a couple of drinks and an easy conversation, the night was winding down. You glanced at the clock, realizing your shift was almost over. “Wanna have a few more drinks in, like, ten minutes? I’ll be off the clock by then.”

Karina looks over at the dance floor and sees the girls mingling and dancing. She chuckled a little before turning back to you. “That would be nice.”

You finished up your last few customers for the night and it was already 3 am. You’d think there’d be less people by then, but the girls of Aespa being at the club spread like wildfire, so many more people came. 

You exit the backroom, now changed into a plain black baby tee and a simple leather jacket. When Karina saw the new attire, she couldn’t help but check you out. You were already hot with the uniform on, but this took it to the next level. For some reason, despite the loud music, it felt like Karina could hear the stomps of your boots, probably from looking too hard.

“Now, where were we?” You asked her, seemingly more relaxed than the last few hours. “Well, take a seat, and let me order you a drink since it seems like all these new customers are our fault.”

“Oh well, I won't say no to a free drink from you,” you say, taking a seat beside her as she waves Mari down. “Uhm, what would you like?” Karina asks you, and you begin to think. “Order what you think I’ll like.”

“Shit. That’s kinda hard,” Karina mumbles, but you hear it loud and clear, making you laugh. “Then a glass of Lasso, neat, please?” the questionable tone made you laugh even harder. “Lucky for you, I love whiskey, and I love it neat.”

Mira hands you the glass, and you raise it to her as thanks. “Cheers?” you asked Karina, not putting your glass down as she willingly clung to yours. “I figured working at a place like this AND with how hardcore you look, that would’ve been the perfect choice.”

You guys chatted for another hour, and the air and chats felt endless despite knowing each other for a few hours. Karina loved your company for some reason, and she felt the urge to know more about you since this didn’t feel enough for her.

Karina seemed to hold her alcohol pretty well, but she began to giggle so much.  “You feeling okay?” You ask, a tinge of concern in your voice, but Karina just smiles as your features look much softer than the anger from earlier. “I am. It’s just nice to talk to someone who feels the same exhaustion as I do but isn’t an idol, I guess,” more giggles followed her words.

Gathering your courage, you decided to take a leap. “Hey, Karina,” you began, your voice slightly shaky. “I know this might be forward, but would you like to go out sometime? Maybe grab dinner or something?”

Karina’s eyes widened in surprise, but a smile quickly spread across her face. “I’d love that,” she replied. “Here’s my number. Text me when you’re free.”

You took her number, feeling a mix of relief and excitement. As she rejoined her friends, you couldn’t help but smile to yourself. Despite the rough start, the night had taken an unexpectedly wonderful turn.

You stepped out into the cool night air, your earlier frustrations forgotten. Tomorrow was another day, and you had something to look forward to. The Siren nightclub had its ups and downs, but again, it gave you a chance at something new and exciting. And you couldn’t wait for the next night you’d meet up with the beauty.

Note: As I said last time, feel free to send kpop reqs, and random anons for a good chat, or just lmk if you wanna be on the future tag lists!

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

they wear flowers on their chest

x

for @mc5ftjillo, who inspired this post

so, as many may have noticed, our two favorite queers have been in the habit of showing off the flowers they really like. most significantly, we have louis putting flowers on his chest with his very own fashion line, 28 programme, and harry wearing a pair of coats in the late night talking mv where the boutonnières almost cover their entire fronts. this is - obviously - not random, but it really holds more significance than i even realised at first glance. 

from the expo at the V&A museum: fashioning masculinities

history of the boutonnière

boutonnière, or flowers in the lapel of a suit/coat jacket

origin: (probably, likely) the war on roses: two neighboring houses in the north of england, fighting for the throne - wearing a red (house of lancaster) or white (house of york) rose on their chest to show off which house they belonged to

prince albert supposedly started the modern trend of the lapel flower, after queen victoria offered him flowers on their first wedding anniversary, which he subsequently put on display in his jacket. since there were photos made of the event, which was a rarity back then, the gesture spread as a trend

from then on, and especially through the years, it was a sign of a dressed-up gent. formal, masculine, and a show of love - wiki: symbol of good breeding, elegance, and sophistication

green carnation, oscar wilde: 

oscar wilde, a famously queer writer, made a statement by wearing a green carnation in his lapel at the premiere of his play, Lady Windermere’s Fan, in 1892, urging his friends to do the same. it instantly became a symbol for solidarity among queer men, for men who loved other men

‘unnatural’ color for a flower:

“Blooming Haus speculates this may have been Oscar Wilde's way of poking fun at the authorities, using an unnatural green flower to mock the idea that, at the time, love between two men was seen as "unnatural.”

queerness of flowers, flowers symbolising queerness 

flowers have borrowed their names and meanings to the queer community, for all sorts of nicknames or secret codes. like the slang ‘pansy’ for a gay man, which is just a little flower, or how a violet is an ancient lesbian symbol. (or how “evening botanist” is an old school term for a gay man which i think is just the funniest thing ever)

rose

love, esp love between gay men in japan

key part of identity! f.e. Pokémon character James is often shown carrying a rose, which is an established symbol in anime to signify a character is gay

lily

in japan, a popular genre of manga is known as yuri, revolving around romantic relationships between women

depictions of female genitalia

“Both the Greeks and Romans held the Lily in very high regard, including it in dozens of their religious myths and breeding the plants extensively. Alchemists considered it a lunar plant with feminine qualities, while the Lily is in high demand in China for weddings because its name sounds like the start of a phrase wishing the couple a happy union for a century.”

AND THEN WE COMBINE WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED

louis came on stage at the afhf last summer with a custom-made jersey, designed by the man himself, which was pretty much covered in flowers. a flower on his right pec, a bouquet on his left.

source

NOW what’s super interesting here, is that louis is channelling the origins of the boutonnière with the abstract flower symbol he’s adopted as the 28 official programme logo!! it’s a yorkshire rose, the emblem of his home county. AND THEN on the OTHER SIDE he’s got ROSES, a whole bouquet of them, a universal symbol of romance, as well as that of a gay man. with the added fuck-me-up detail that the fabric of the jersey is green, the typical color of a certain someone we know, making the flowers green. just like the green coronation. ok. ok.

then we have harry, who has used lilies before, in the photo shoot for the fine line cover art and booklet, where it was used to symbolise rebirth and femininity. now, in the late night talking mv, he wore the lilies on his chest, first in the museum scene, which flows into the date scene, as well as at the end, where he officiates a wedding and then falls from the sky.

it’s completely meant to fit into the tradition of the boutonnière. harry is conveying the message: i am queer, and i am wearing it proudly on my chest. it’s not subtle, is it? it’s meant as a clear symbol for those who understand, just like oscar wilde and his friends wore the green carnation. it’s so beautiful that it’s the lily on his chest, causing the flower to be a theme in his art, of rebirth and femininity. 

when you look at when exactly harry is wearing the boutonnières in the mv, it’s just...?? in the museum, he’s the art exhibit. he’s wearing the lilies openly on his chest. then, he’s on a private date with a man. his napkin is even pushed to the side a little to show off the flowers in full. then, when he’s officiating a queer wedding, he’s wearing them, and then he seems to be shot from the sky by lightning, and he’s falling through the sky on his bed. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? harry’s gayness, or the way he’s shown it with messages, isn’t hidden. irl he walks around with a pride enamel pin. he’s being scrutinised, studied, and he’s still not hiding it. then he’s in private, celebrating love, and he shows it, loud and proud. it reminds me of how harry’s stated in the past that he has shown us who he is. that he’s said it in enough ways. he hides in plain sight, just like oscar wilde and his entourage. general society knew what the green flower meant, but it remained something unspoken. now, any casual observer could see that harry is at least not straight. and yet, still, you are deemed straight until stated otherwise. 

so what does one do, when one can’t say it out loud? a bit of queer signalling. with flowers. 

[callme-barnes]

Besitos

*Pictures are not mine*

Summary: Demons can be fun, at least you know you can be. When you go out to claim a soul as yours, Bucky finds you and it only adds on to the fun.

Pairing: Demon!Bucky x Demon!Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3.3k

Warnings: SMUT (Demon!Bucky is a sin), oral sex (f! receiving), rough sex, slight daddy kink, blood kink (if you squint), talk of religion (not much), dirty talk

IF YOU ARE A MINOR PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT! THIS WORK IS FOR THOSE 18+ ONLY!

A/N: Again, this work is 18+ only!. Do not repost my work anywhere! This is a one-shot based off of a series I really want to put out at some point. I've been having a tough go of it and this work Ade me feel better to write. Please do not judge my smut writing as I am still pretty new to it. All mistakes are mine. But otherwise please enjoy and feel free to interact with me if you liked it! Enjoy ladies & gents!

___________________________________________________

Y/N watched from the comfort of a dark corner at the bar at all the bodies dancing underneath the strobe lights of the club. It had hit its peak at about 1 in the morning, and it was the right time for you to strike the target you had come here to find.

His name was John, a pretty good looking man by human standards. Tall, dark and handsome as you once would’ve described him. Had a beautiful pregnant fiance at home by the name of Lily who was ready to give birth to a handsome baby boy any day now by what you could gather from Lily’s pleas for help. You had overheard her one night, crying herself to sleep as she prayed to God to help her make sense of her situation. She was stuck at home, waiting for a man who would go out and have fun with his friends. And other women.

She had prayed for clarity, safety and a change of heart for him. And strength and courage for herself. To be able to keep her fiance and to change what was wrong with her. Of course nothing was wrong with Lily. She was pregnant, ready to burst at any second. She was bringing a life into this world, risking her body and her health and for what? For a man who refused to change his way of life because that’s what he had grown accustomed to? Or in his words, “To be a slave to a family?”

You had found yourself in that situation once, praying to God for a man that couldn’t give a shit less if you had dropped dead. As long as he maintained his freedom and habits all was well. Instead the man you had grown to love had left you for a cute petite brunette, claiming you had been smothering him with your “jealousy” and your “excessive” calls when you only wanted to be with him.

Your praying touched upon deaf ears of course and it was then that you realized no one was out there to protect you. You were on your own to deal with the hardships of your life.

Until you met him. James Barnes.

He had been your savior when you were ready to give up all hope. Bucky, as you’ve grown to call him, had given you strength and a new life. A life devoted to taking what you wanted and not being sorry about it. A life devoted to him. But that was a tale for another time.

That’s how you ended up appearing to the poor young woman. Sat in her bed, in pain both physically and emotionally. You had appeared before her dressed in a beautiful black dress, the slit high up your thigh and a pair of your favorite black stilettos. She had been scared. As she should have been. Your power emanated before her, putting her in a trance before you disappeared into the shadows, sending her a small devilish grin.

You set your plan into motion when you saw him headed for the restroom area. He was intoxicated beyond his logical mind, which was just the way you liked them. Downing the remainder of your drink, you made your way to the back area, the sea of people splitting as you walked past them making a direct walkway to your destination. When you stood in front of the mens room, those who waited in line stared with hunger. Intensity. Desire. Your hand reached out to touch one of their gawking faces before sending him a wink and walking in after John. The light cheering on the other end of the door made you smile as you locked it behind you and walked towards the sink counter. You perched yourself on top of it, the red lights casting a hellish glow across your skin.

The stall door opened and you felt your insides twist in anticipation as John walked out, his eyes blinking to focus and his hands holding onto the wall for stability and guidance.

Showtime.

You watched as John made his way to the sinks before finally realizing he wasn’t alone, stopping just a foot in front of you. Your leg shifting up to cross over your other, the slit in your dress falling to either side to give him a nice little peek of your ass.

“Hey there handsome”

You were laying it on thick sure, but you weren’t going to lie, you were excited for this one. It hit a little too close to home for you and you were practically bursting open at the seams.

“Who...who are you?”

“I’ve been watching you all night you know. Trying to muster up the courage to approach you and talk to you”

He almost immediately dropped his guard, his vibrations shifting from reserved to open and ready. Good.

“Well hot stuff here we are. And you found me, here all vulnerable. Naughty girl”

You smiled at him as you stood up, your heels clicking on the tile as you reached over to grab his shirt and pull him close to you, pressing your body up against his own.

“Oh I can be very naughty”, you said and leaned up to kiss him. Your tongue slithered against his own, your pace slow waiting for him to respond. Which he did and quickly. His hands reached out to rest on your ass, his hands squeezing and bringing you in to rub against the hard on he was sporting. You sent him a small moan in response, obviously fake but that only spurred him on further.

His hands reached down to just underneath your ass before you pushed away from him and moved to perch yourself back up on the counter making sure to make a show of opening your legs to invite him in.

“I’ve been really lonely. I haven’t had a man in so long baby”

He was entranced by you, his focus resting on your open thighs and practically foaming at the mouth.

“You know how hard it is to find a single honest man in this city? I noticed you weren’t wearing a ring and you came here by yourself. Are you lonely too?”

This was it, the opportunity for your prey to make amends. You weren’t completely heartless, you had been human once. You had made mistakes too, so you always gave them a chance. Yet 99% of the time, they failed. So you got a chance to have some fun. Your eye contact didn’t falter as you ran your hand down between the valley of your breasts, the other trailing up to reveal the lacy thong you were wearing.

“Fuck...yes I’m....I’m so lonely”

There it was. The opportunity you were looking forward to because let's face it you knew this piece of shit was too set in his ways to repent. You sent him a smile as your fingers began to rub at yourself over your panties, letting out a small moan to coax him in.

“You wanna fuck me? It’s been so long since I’ve had a real man fuck me good”

He closed his eyes, letting out a shuddering breath before walking over and settling himself between your open legs, his hands grasping at your thighs, “Fuck me Johnny boy”

You moved up to kiss him again, this time more aggressively as your innocent facade began to slip away.

“Now I know there’s a God”

You stopped yourself from laughing or scoffing as your hands moved down to rub at his cock through his jeans, watching him as he tore his lip open with how hard he was biting down and you leaned up, making sure you pressed your body against him to give him one last little feel, moving your lips to his ear

“No God here John. Only me”

As you made your way to unbuckle his pants he hesitated a bit and you leaned back “What’s wrong baby? I thought you wanted to fuck me? Don’t you want to?”

“Yes I...fuck I do. Did you ask my friends my name? I don’t think I ever got yours?”

You watched a shadow move from behind John and before you could respond you saw him. Coming out of the shadows looking as handsome as the devil himself. Bucky.

“What does it matter? Don’t you just want to get inside me?”

As you spoke you made eye contact with Bucky from behind John’s shoulders as you leaned back and opened your legs up to give him a view. You smirked to yourself as Bucky’s demeanor changed and before John could get another word out you watched his eyes widen in fear, finally catching onto Bucky in the mirror’s reflection but by then it was too late. Bucky’s hand had reached into John’s back and grabbed onto his heart, squeezing tight before John collapsed lifeless onto the floor.

You watched him, standing up and looking down at him before shifting to Bucky with a smile, “That was my soul to take”

Bucky watched you, his eyes darkening in discontent “I really wish you’d keep your hands to yourself when taking your souls babygirl”

You leaned against the counter and shrugged, “Where’s the fun in that? Besides, how else would I get you all riled up and angry?”

Bucky was in front of you in a blink, his hand wrapping around your throat as he pressed himself up against you. The proximity of the man in front of you made you melt, your body immediately submitting to him as he stared at you. If you had a soul you were sure he’d be looking into it.

“Is that what it is? You like when I’m angry and jealous?”

You fluttered your eyelashes at him, “You’ve been so busy baby. I’ve had to fill the void with what I could take”

That didn’t make him loosen his hold or react, he just kept staring at you as if to say it was your move now and who were you if not an amazing actress.

“We both know I belong to you. And I wouldn’t want to fuck anyone else but you”

You moved your hand to grab onto his own that was pressed against your neck, leaning down to take two of his fingers into your mouth and began sucking on them. Bucky’s chest rumbled with a growl as he stood before you mesmerized, his dick twitching against his black dress pants he had on.

“I brought us an audience daddy,” you said when you pulled away from his hand a small trail of spit following your lips “You know how much I love it when people hear us fucking. It gets me so wet just thinking about all those guys out there wanting to get in my panties while my one and only is fucking me stupid”

That had done it for him, he slammed you against the mirror behind you causing it to break and fall around you as he took your lips in his, kissing you sloppy and animalistic. You let out a moan and a smile in victory, pressing your body into him not caring if you cut your hand on the shards that surrounded you. Bucky grabbed onto the point where your dress slit ended on your hip and tore the fabric open, making you gasp “This is my favorite dress”

“I’ll buy you another”

His growl tore through you, going straight to your aching core causing you to begin grinding against his dick for some relief. You reached your hand up to lick the trail of blood from your hand that was cut open making a show of it, your tongue trailing against your finger before motioning for him to get close. You pulled him into you and kissed him, hearing him moan into your mouth as you shamelessly continued grinding against him

“I want your dick daddy. Fuck I want it so bad. Need you to fuck me please. My pussy is so wet for you”

Bucky reached down and tore your panties from your body, his fingers trailing along your slit and gathering your wetness onto his fingers before slipping them into his mouth, moaning in response “Fuck you know just how to get me going little one. Want me to eat you out you little minx? Do you want to come on my tongue?”

You whined as you nodded and lifted your legs, your heels propping themselves up onto the counter to open up for him “Please. Want to cum on your tongue daddy. Make me cum please”

Bucky kneeled down in front of your open thighs and wasted no time as he leaned in and began to lick at every crevice he could reach and even some you didn’t know he could reach. His tongue worked from your entrance all the way up to your clit, making quick work of it. You moaned out obscenely, your hand reaching down to grip his hair and pressing him further into you as you grind your pussy down onto his face. You pleaded and moaned louder as he sucked and licked at you, your heels falling onto his back and digging into his skin. He hissed in response but otherwise kept at it, licking and sucking and repeating until you felt that familiar twist in your stomach.

“Oh fuck...yes please. Please give it to me, make me cum for you daddy. Shit yes!”

You made sure to be as loud as you wanted knowing the audience that had gathered on the other side of the restroom door. Bucky hit that one spot on your clit over and over again, causing your toes to curl in your heels and your back to arch up dramatically. Your eyes rolled up as you came loud and hard, your body convulsing and your thighs squeezing his head as he continued to suck. You attempted to push him away as you felt your body become too sensitive which only caused him to pin you down harder on the counter as he continued

“I...I can’t. Wait….oh fuck”

But he was a demon possessed as he kept going before you felt yourself come again, harder this time as you gripped onto the sink the pressure causing you to snap one of the handles clean off. You felt your release flow out of you as Bucky pulled away and wiped his lips with the back of his hand “Shit I love it when you do that for me”

His shirt was wet with your orgasm and he sent you a smirk as he undid his pants, bringing his cock out as he stroked it. You watched him in awe as you smiled at him, your eyes just as black as his as he reached over to pick you up and slammed you against the nearest wall. You gasped, wrapping your legs around his hips to bring him close, feeling his cock hard against your core.

“Fuck me. My pussy wants you so bad”

Bucky smirked at you before lining himself up and pushing into you fully in one thrust. You let your head rest back against the wall, unable to form a sound when you tried to moan before he began to slam up into you. He fucked you like an animal, all teeth and hands and no emotion. The air of authority fell off of him and made you moan and squeal every time he slid past that spot inside of you. Your nails made work, scratching at his neck when you tried to hold on, at his back causing his shirt to rip open and at the upper part of his ass so you could bring him closer to you.

“I want another out of you little one. I want you to cum all over my dick before I cum inside of this tight pussy you understand me? You gonna do that for me baby? Gonna….shit, gonna give me another one?”

“Oh fuck yes daddy I’ll do it. Anything for you, anything”

He pounded into you at a relentless pace, the vibrations coming off of the two of you causing the lights to flicker in small space and the doors to the stalls to shake on the hinges. When you felt your third orgasm coming you leaned in to kiss him and bite at his bottom lip roughly. You graced him with the most pornographic sounds you had in you, urging him on before you came, your walls gripping onto him like a vice not wanting to let him go. Bucky groaned and let his head fall back before he gripped your hips and began to take full control, using his strength to pull you down on him harder to get into you deeper. The force caused you to slam against the tile wall as you held onto him for salvation.

“Talk to me baby” he said as he used a hand to grab your jaw and made you look at him, “You know how much I love hearing you talk filthy to me”

Your walls spasmed around him as you felt what could have been another orgasm coming as you kept eye contact with him

“Oh daddy, I want you to come inside me. Want you to fill me completely with your cum. I want to be able to feel you inside of me for days. Please give it to me, please cum for me. You make me feel so good baby. Give it to me, fuck give it to me”

Your words drove him to the edge, his hips stuttering as he pushed into you again and he spilled himself inside of you, his orgasm also spurring on another of your own. Bucky’s hands grabbed onto you and pulled you in tightly as he rode out his release into you, pulling out slowly and pushing any cum that was slipping out back into you. You had a dumb smile on your face and you kissed him and pulled away.

“Want to finish this somewhere a little more private?”

Bucky listened to you finally hearing the cheers on the other side of the door and he smirked to himself as he leaned in to kiss you once again and set you on your feet so he could adjust himself, “You really are a bad girl”

You hummed in response as you looked in the mirror and fixed your eyeliner a bit, stepping over the dead body on the floor and you looked down “Almost forgot he was in here”

Bucky chuckled to himself and moved to take a hold of your waist. “What did this poor bastard do?”

“He has a pregnant fiance at home. Figured someone should teach him about consequences so he could use it in his next lifetime”

Bucky let out a deep but loud laugh as he squeezed you to him, “Let’s get outta here”

You smiled as you moved to unlock the bathroom door and allowed it to open a bit before walking back to Bucky and shifting out of the bathroom. You stood right outside and when you heard screaming and commotion you grinned in delight before walking towards Bucky who was waiting for you.

“Thank you”

You leaned up to kiss his cheek and looked down at you with admiration, “What for little one?”

“For blessing me with a new life worth living”

Bucky smiled as you both made your way down the busy street, ignoring the looks you got at your obvious physical state. His lips kissed your temple and he pulled you closer into him, “You deserve it. Now, my place or yours?”

[ikeromantic]

Eeeeeeeek! Massive congratulations! Im so so happy for ya❤❤❤🔥🔥hope many more people discover your wonderful blog!😳🥺on that note could i pretty please request Ikevamp Theo -Nice🥺🥺🥺😳❤ and then K❤❤🔥😳

Thanks a million! And once again! Big congrats ⚘👏👏👏👏

I had five different ideas for bringing this together and it was hard to pick one ^_^ Approx. 1000 words with Theo being as nice as Theo can be!

Theo ordered another whiskey. He was feeling pleasantly relaxed, a low warm buzz in his limbs. Arthur, on the other hand, looked totally sauced. His eyelids hung heavy, giving him a sleepy look and his cheeks and nose were pink. “Am I going to have to carry you to the carriage?”

“What’s that, old boy? The carriage?” Arthur slurred the question, his attention only half on Theo anyway. Most of it was taken by the three ladies in the far corner. He’d been making eyes at them all night and would pounce the moment he was left alone.

“Yeah. The carriage. The one we’re riding home in.” Theo sighed. “Unless you’re sleeping it off here tonight?”

“Might as well. Got nothing else to do.” Arthur’s gaze swung around to the Dutchman. “Not like you, eh? With that fancy bird of yours. Where is she tonight, anyhow?”

Theo smiled, remembering how excited she’d been when he left that afternoon. “Decorating the mansion with Sebas. They’re putting up the Christmas tree today.”

“Is that so? I hope the little bird is putting up some mistletoe too. Wouldn’t mind that a bit.” He grinned widely.

“Mistletoe? Isn’t that poisonous?” Theo wrinkled his nose.

“Is it?” Arthur’s smile was wicked, and after that unhelpful answer, he wouldn’t say anymore on the subject of mistletoe.

Theo left shortly after, abandoning Arthur to his vices. When he arrived at the mansion, he stopped to admire the decor. Flickering candles in holly boughs sat in every window and bright red ribbons made the columns look like candy canes. Bows sat atop every entrance as if the mansion was a giant present. “Hondje was busy today.”

The inside was just as festooned with holiday decor. More ribbons and bows and garland made from holly and pine. He could see sprigs of mistletoe hung in each doorway too, with its bright green leaves and cheery red berries. Arthur had been right about that, though he couldn’t see why it mattered.

The mansion smelled nice too, as if the essences of a winter forest and a bakery had come together here. Theo couldn’t help but smile. He was surprised she hadn’t waited up for him.

He followed the warm glow of candlelight to the parlor. The tree was here, adorned with tiny, glittering glass balls and strings of popcorn and berries. An angel perched at the top, with wings of white lace and a dress made from dyed straw and cornhusks. But there was another angel too, curled up in an overstuffed reading chair.

Her eyes were closed and her lips parted in a small, secret smile. Theo felt a sharp pain in his chest at how innocent she looked, how precious. It was impossible that a man like him would be entrusted with such a precious treasure. He felt such a sudden surge of possessiveness and love for her that he nearly picked her up then. He didn’t want to share the sight of her like this with anyone.

There were two mugs of hot cocoa on the table beside her, and a tray of cookies. Little snowmen shaped things with wonky eyes and crooked buttons. Theo grinned. He sat down next to her and lifted a mug to his lips. It was cool now, but thick and sweet. He tried one of the cookies. It was a little crispy on the bottom but the inside was buttery and soft, and had a faint taste of vanilla and honey.

“Mmm, Theo?” She blinked sleepily, her expression one of pleased confusion to see him there.

“Mijn liefje.” He set the mug and cookie down, interested now in sweeter things. Theo stood and went to her chair. Now that she was awake, there was no reason not to pull her into his arms.

She held her hands up, reaching for him in an almost childlike gesture. It made him feel warm and gentle inside as he lifted her.

“You shouldn’t sleep in the chair, hondje,” he said, his voice raspy and low with the emotions she stirred.

“I wanted to wait up for you. I made cocoa and cookies.”

Theo smiled. “They were good, but I’m hungry for something else.”

Her skin flushed hotly, and her eyes went wide and dark with the same desire.

He carried her out of the parlor, stopping for a moment in the doorway to adjust his hold before carrying her up the stairs. He wasn’t worried he would drop her, just concerned for her comfort.

“Theo?” Her breath stirred against his cheek.

“What is it?”

Her lips brushed his skin. “You’re standing under the mistletoe.”

“Arthur mentioned that too. Why-”

She interrupted his question with a kiss. Her lips were honeyed warmth against his. Her tongue was silk and fire. Her kiss was anything but timid. She was greedy with it, ravenous even. And he met her eagerness with his own.

His ecstasy was more than just the feel of her in his arms. The breath they shared. The tangle of their lips and tongues, or the passion that burned in them both. They shared a bond, heartbeat to heartbeat. He was inexorably drawn to her, his beloved treasure. The queen of his heart.

“Schatje,” he breathed.

Her fingers curled around the nape of his neck, a smile danced in her eyes. “I wanted to make sure you were my first kiss under the mistletoe.”

“First?” He raised an eyebrow. “Only.” And then he kissed her again as she squealed and squirmed in his arms, a mock protest. “I’ll take it all down,” he promised in the next gasped breath. His lips claimed hers again, tasting her, memorizing the curve of her lips and the feel of her tongue. “And hang every bit over my bed,” Theo swore.

She laughed breathlessly when they next parted. “Are you jealous?”

“A little,” he admitted, his blue eyes aglow with fierce love.

“I promise my kisses are only for you, mijn beertje.”

Theo’s eyes widened. “Did you just call me -”

“Mhmm. I asked Vincent for ideas.” She grinned.

“Little bear.”

“Yep.” She laid her head on his shoulder.

His chest felt tight and too small for his pounding heart, too small to hold the love that he felt for her. “Let’s see how little you think this bear is by morning, knabbeltje. I’m going to gobble you up tonight.” The words were said lightly, but his eyes gave away the depth of his desire.

Her breath drew in sharply. Her lips curved in a smile that answered his hungers in kind.

[keeroo92]

Flights of Fancy

My NSFW contribution to @jackpot-dantezine, where Dante and Reader discover they share a hobby. Enjoy!

Word count: 1,679

------

Dante hummed and adjusted the focus, bringing his latest quarry into view. Brown feathers, a pointed beak, the last remnants of the avian’s breakfast still hanging from its beak. A robin, male, maybe a year old or so judging by the plumage. Gorgeous, though common. 

It had been a productive morning; he’d catalogued a young pair of goldfinches and a plump great tit already. The spring always brought more activity, but this year was truly a treat. Now, if he could just spot that evasive starling...

“The heck are you doing?”

He dropped his precious binoculars and whirled to face you. Shit, how was he gonna explain this? The last time he told someone he watched birds, they’d laughed him right out of the room.

“Uhh…”

You kicked off your shoes and came closer. His palms were sweating. Shit, shit, shit. You weren’t supposed to come over until six. Why the hell were you so early?

“Spying on the neighbors? Anything good?”

Dante swallowed, his mind frozen. That sounded like a trick question…

“Uhh…”

Your hands wrapped around his binoculars and raised them up, fiddling with the dial to focus them. All he could do was watch as you peered across the divide and into the next building. 

“Oh, wow! Is that the lady with the border collie? Hard to tell from this angle…”

Fuck, this can’t be happening!

He was so screwed. Either he confessed to his ridiculous hobby, or he surrendered and let his partner think he was a voyeur. Talk about getting stuck between a rock and a hard place.

“You know, if you’re into watching, all you had to do was ask,” you said with a coy smile, lowering the binoculars to meet his panicked gaze. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? 

“Wh- what?” he stammered.

You stepped back and ran your hands lazily across your chest. “I’d be happy to give you a show.”

Still trying to assemble a coherent sentence, Dante didn’t resist when you pushed him down onto the cushion of the reading nook under the window he got the best views from. If this was going where he thought, he had no complaints, but it didn't sit well that your teasing came about from a misunderstanding. 

You turned away from him and bent over, your ass swaying exaggeratedly. The first stirrings of heat came to life in Dante’s groin as your hands slid across your body, taunting him and toying with the edges of your clothing. 

“You know you don’t have to do this, right?” he said. He’d be kicking himself if you stopped, but still.

You looked back over your shoulder and winked at him.. “I know.”

Dante’s mouth went dry as you slowly faced him, your hands drifting to take off your top. Each button you released revealed a few more inches of your body, the slowness of it close to torture. He licked his lips and tried to relax, but his mind refused. This wasn’t right. 

“Wait, just… hang on a sec.”

“Why? Do you not like it?” you replied with a slight frown. 

“Are you fucking kidding me? I love it, babe. I just… I gotta tell you something.”

You bit your lip and shifted your weight. “That doesn’t sound good…”

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, searching for words. This really shouldn’t be so hard, it wasn’t like he was trying to dump you. 

“I wasn’t peeping. Voyeurism isn’t really my thing,” he began. “At least, not when the person doesn’t know they’re being watched. What you were doing, that was hot.”

You rolled your eyes and took a seat beside him. “You just haaaad to say something...”

He quirked an eyebrow. “Huh?”

“Do you have any idea how often you've left out your bird book? Pretty dead giveaway.”

Dante groaned and shook his head. Of all the stupid-

“Did I ever tell you about the time I spotted a Hawfinch?”

The red-clad man’s thoughts screeched to a halt. Those little fuckers were some of the rarest birds in the region. Just to hear their call was basically winning the lottery. Nobody who didn’t take part in his hobby was likely to even know they existed, which meant…

He stared at you in disbelief. “Wait, you too?” 

You shot him a smile. “Yeah, though not much recently. I lost my binoculars when I moved here.”

Dante’s heart flipped. No, it soared - just like his beloved birds. Joy and warmth formed the air current lifting it, suffusing his chest until he could barely breathe. 

How could you possibly be so wonderful?

“I’ll get you a new pair,” he said, “So we can do it together.”

You hummed. “Sounds great. But you know, there’s something else I was hoping we could do together today.”

Your weight shifted as you faced him, body language and the lingering flush in your cheeks enough to drive home the hint - that dance was meant to rile him up. Never one to deny the chance to tease you, Dante wrapped his arms around you with a smirk. “Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah,” was your husky reply, lids lowered and breath catching.

He leaned closer. “Like what?”

“Like this,” you replied, pressing your body against the twitching bulge in Dante’s pants. Gente fingers brushed aside his snowy locks and your lips descended, planting kisses up the column of his throat. 

“Fuck, babe…” he growled. You hummed in response, dragging your hands across his broad chest.

The moment you came up for air, his lips crashed against yours, hungry and haphazard. He didn’t care when his teeth clacked against yours, or that your lunch lingered on your breath. It didn’t matter when his jaw complained or how his tongue strained to meet yours. It was all worth it.

The heat of your body, so close to his. The scent of your skin. The soft exhale of your breath. Your existence enveloped him and cast a spell on his senses, somehow too much and never enough at the same time. He’d never get tired of being with you, not ever. 

His lips danced from your mouth to nip at your pulse, teeth and tongue toying with your flesh. Need overwhelmed him as you responded in kind, tearing at his shirt and belt until you found skin. Warm hands on his body, nails scratching each time he found the right spot to suckle; it wasn’t long before two sets of clothing lay discarded on the floor.

And then, his favorite part - when you took him inside you and welcomed him home. So deep, your body responding to his as if his touch kept you alive. Moans and gasps mixed with murmured curses, hips slamming together and spreading his need across your thighs and ass. He braced against the windowsill and thrust harder, stealing needy groans from your kiss-swollen lips.

“This what you were after? Huh?” he panted.

Your spine arced, body tightening around his length. “Shit, yes!”

Dante growled and flipped you over, his eyes fixated on beads of sweat rolling down your shoulders and spine. You buried your face in the upholstery, sharp cries leaking past the fabric each time he bottomed out. Lost in the throes of pleasure, he didn’t care that anyone who happened to gaze at the window had a full view of his passion. 

He grunted and tugged your hips against him, grip gentle yet firm. He knew how you liked it, and giving you what you wanted came automatically to him after so long together. The look of euphoria on your face was gorgeous as your voice broke, your body clenching around him as your core spasmed. Dante reached around to tease at your front, elongating your bliss as he followed barely a beat behind. 

“Fcuk, I’m - ah, shit!” he cried.

Energy surged from his body, searing a blazing path to his cock and into your body, thick ropes of his completion dancing against your innermost muscles. Dante’s vision flashed, his body arcing as if doing so got his seed any deeper. His hips stuttered, moving without any sense of rhythm or coherence until he came back to himself at last.

Panting breath spilled from his parted lips, beads of sweat cooling as they rolled down his brow and back. His body felt light and heavy at the same time. 

“You good?” he asked. 

But your attention was elsewhere, eyes locked on something far away. Dante pulled out with a quiet groan and peered through the window, looking for whatever stole your focus. 

“What is it, babe?”

You didn’t blink. “Hand me the binoculars.”

The tenseness in your tone and the set of your shoulders allowed no argument, and Dante did as he was told, pausing only to grab his boxers. “Here.”

As you brought the lenses to your eyes, he set a dish towel beside you for whenever you were ready for it. Whatever you saw, you’d tell him eventually. 

Then, a sudden gasp. 

“I don’t believe it…”

Dante crossed his arms. “What?”

Still staring out the window, you adjusted the focus. “It’s a pied flycatcher.”

Now it was Dante’s turn to gasp. They were one of the ten rarest birds in the region, never seen within a hundred miles of here. What the hell was one doing here?

“Lemme see, come on!”

You still didn’t look away as you held out the binoculars to him. “It’s on one of the higher branches of the oak tree.”

He held his breath as he searched the branches, his well-trained eyes used to spotting feathers among foliage. There it was, its brown plumage granting it camouflage against the trunk. It was preening.

“Holy shit, I see it! I see it!”

You laughed and tugged him down to sit beside you. He settled in to watch the little bird for a while, his free hand reaching out to touch his beloved partner every few minutes. The two of them took turns with the binoculars, laughing and sharing the joy of their hobby for the first of many times.

[thatgirlwholikestowritestories]

The Summer I Fucked Up (Ch 9)

A Conrad predominant retelling of The Summer I Turned Pretty TV show and book series.

Did you read the books and want to understand what was going on in that little noggin of his? Read my fic to find out that this man has zero thoughts

Chapter list

CONRAD

Leaving the summer home had always been difficult but this year it was particularly hard. Belly and the Conklins had already left, and the house was cleaned and shut off, prepared for when they returned next year. Already the air had turned, announcing that summer was on its way out and the coolness of autumn would soon sink in. There was nothing keeping him here, but still he hesitated, savouring the sight. The lowest of lows of this summer should have sent him packing instantly. Oh, but who can forget the highest of highs?

His mum walked out handing him the car keys, “Ready?”

“Yeah, one sec.”

Conrad took out his phone and sent Belly a message that he knew would annoy her. See you next June.

He barely got the chance to lock his screen before she replied. Don’t think you’re getting off that easy, Fisher.

Throwing his keys up in the air and catching them again, Conrad hopped in the car and turned the music up loud, “Let’s get outta here ladies and gents.”

Once they got back to Boston, Conrad could barely find the time for much more than to send Belly a good morning and a good night text at first. His days filled with packing to move him in his dorm but also driving his mum to and from her first rounds of the trial and keeping the house in order while she was away.

One night, his eyes were blearing as he walked to his room, ready to pass out the moment he was in the vicinity of his bed, when he passed Jere’s room. The door was cracked open slightly and his lights were on. Peeking through, he noticed Jeremiah at his desk wearing headphones— the music must have been loud since Conrad could hear the soft beats of the music as it played. Jere was aimlessly squiggling on a piece of paper, clearly somewhere else.

Conrad knocked and broke him out of his reverie.

“Hey, what’s up?” Jere lifted his headphones off one ear.

Opening the door, a little further, Conrad asked, “Hey. Can we talk for a second?”

“Yeah, sure.” Jere turned his full attention to him, reaching over to his phone to press pause.

Conrad took a seat on Jere’s bed. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted to talk to him about, why he’d chosen to come in here saying he needed to talk, but seeing Jere sit still, lost in thought had been so odd. He couldn’t help himself.

“Are you gonna be okay?” He started, looking at his own hands. “With Mum, when I’m gone?”

It was something he hadn’t thought of until this moment, with the last of his boxes piling up in his room ready to move any day now and their dad moved out, Conrad hadn’t considered the emptiness of the house with just the two of them alone.

Jere fiddled with his phones in his hands. “Yeah, Connie. Don’t worry about us.”

Conrad wished it were that easy. His voice was barely louder than a whisper when he spoke next. “You know I’d stay…” Conrad would have said more if he could, if his voice allowed him, but it didn’t.

Jere threw Conrad his signature smile then and reached out and pat his arm. “Conrad, I’m telling you, it’s gonna be fine. Mum’s doing the trial and you’re going off to college. You know she wouldn’t let you miss out on that anyways.”

Conrad moved to his feet. “You’re right.”

He started to make his way out but hesitated at the door. “Hey Jere,” Jeremiah was just about to his headphones back on but stopped. “About Belly…”

Jeremiah just shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, Connie.”

So, he left it at that. Conrad only just managed to click send on his message to Belly before he fell asleep.

The first real time he got to speak to Belly again was the night he moved into his dorms. It was the first time he’d felt proper stillness since they’d left the summer house. Still and silent. Conrad’s roommate hadn’t moved in yet and wasn’t due to for another couple of days since he was coming over from the west coast.

Reaching for his phone, Conrad started video calling Belly. She answered on the third ring.

Seeing her face, her smile, appear on the screen, Conrad allowed a contented sigh to escape.

“Conrad,” Her voice was a false whine, her eyes rolling as if she wasn’t thrilled he was calling, but he could tell she was— her smiling, red cheeks gave her away, “you called me, what are you huffing and puffing already for?”

“Okay, I can just hang up—” Conrad posed a threatening hand over the end call button.

“No!” Belly was quick to let the act drop and Conrad bit back a smile. She let out a little sigh, knowing she’d been caught out, knowing he knew she wanted to talk to him. It softened him.

“I missed you too, Belly.”

Her cheeks reddened further, and she looked away from the camera in an attempt to hide the resulting smile. It almost worked. Almost.

The conversation went from there: the move, his mum’s trial, back to school. Conrad gave her a virtual tour of his room and kept her on the phone while he went and got a pack of noodles to have for dinner.

“That’s not dinner, Conrad.” She rolled her eyes.

“Tell that to the thousands of students on campus, Belly.” He slurped up a noodle, adding, with his mouth full. “It’s fuel for the greatest minds. It’s practically a student rite of passage.”

That earned him another eye roll.

“Just wait, I’ll be right back.” Belly popped up from where she was sitting in her room and disappeared off-screen.

Conrad continued to slurp at his noodles. He definitely could’ve afforded a more enticing meal for the first night, but two-minute noodles just felt right. It felt like he was actually a college student now.

Belly reappeared with a plate of her own food. It was stacked to the brim and Conrad felt like he could taste it through the phone. Suddenly, the two-minute noodles weren’t so appealing.

“Oh Belly, that’s not fair.” He grumbled.

She smirked back at him. “Hey, don’t blame me, I told you to get something else. At least, we’re having dinner together.”

They both sat at their respective desks and ate dinner together. It became a routine, at least once a week.

Conrad had only started to settle into the swing of things when he got the first call from Jeremiah. He’d been in between classes so he was able to answer it.

“Conrad?” He sounded distraught. “It’s Mum, she’s on the floor coughing up blood.”

His stomach fell to his feet. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t talk. He couldn’t breathe. All he could do was listen to the hacking on the other end. Then, it stopped.

He heard on the other end of the line, “Jere, is that Conrad? Give it to me.”

Conrad heard the phone rustling as it passed from one person to another. Conrad still hadn’t taken a breath.

“Connie.” It was his mother. She sounded okay, definitely not great, but as good as someone who had been coughing up a lung in the minute prior could sound. “Connie, don’t worry, I’m okay.”

He loosened his breath then. She wouldn’t lie about this. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m okay. My doctor said that this could be a side effect of the trial. She said it usually happens after the first round at this stage.” Conrad had looked over all the side effects and symptoms of the trials before she started, but the list was so long, he’d felt like he’d gone cross eyed by the end of it. “Jere just caught me at a bad time. You kids didn’t see this side of things last time. I promise, everything’s fine. I’m sorry we bothered you at uni. How’s everything going?”

His mum just changed the subject, as if they hadn’t just given him the fright of his life. He only let her because he knew it would make her feel better—the illusion of normalcy—but Conrad ached to be there with them then. He wanted to be there to make sure everything was going right, that she was taking her meds and going to her appointments.

He missed the first dinner with Belly that night, unable to settle himself after the call today.

Next Chapter

[ibuki-loves-you]

cutely sends the shrek script

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]Shrek: What a load of--[Toilet Door slams]Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪[Shouting]Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪[Belches]Villagers: Go! Go![Record Scrating]Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.Villager 3: No!Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya![Gasping]Villager 3: Right.[Roaring][Shouting][Roaring][Roaring Continues][Shouting Continues]Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.[Gasping]Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away![Gasps]Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!Captain of the Guards: Next!Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.Guard 4: Get up!Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.Guard 5: Come on![Thudding]Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!Old Lady: Oh, shut up!Donkey: Oh!Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!Captain of the Guards: Next.Pinocchio: Help me!Captain of the Guards: What have you got?Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.[Grunts]Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.Captain of the Guards: Well?Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little

nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!Peter Pan: He can fly!Pigs: He can fly!Captain of the Guards: He can talk!Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.Captain of the Guards: Seize him!Guard 7: After him! He's getting away![Grunts, Gasps]Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!Shrek: Aye?Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?[Gasps, Whimpering]Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.[Roaring]Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.Shrek: Why are you following me?Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?Donkey: Nope.Shrek: Really?Donkey: Really, really.Shrek: Oh.Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?Shrek: Uh, Shrek.Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?Shrek: That would be my home.Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?Shrek: I like my privacy.Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you?Shrek: Uh, what?Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?Shrek: Of course!Donkey: Really?Shrek: No.Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.Donkey: Ah! Thank you!Shrek: What are you-- No. No.Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.Shrek: Oh!Donkey: Where do,

uh, I sleep?Shrek: Outside!Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪[Bubbling][Sighs][Creaking]Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?Donkey: I am outside.[Clattering][Clattering]Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.Gorder: What a lovely bed.Shrek: Got ya.Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?Gorder: How did you know?Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey![Snickers]Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]Wolf: What?Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?Wolf: Aah!Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.[Cackling][Cackling Continues]Shrek: What?Girl: Quit it. Don't push.[Squeaking][Lows]Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp?[Gasping]Fairies: Oh, dear!Dwarf: Whoa!Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!Dwarf: Quickly. Come on!Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.Dwarf: Oh![Sighs]Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.Shrek: What?Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.Shrek: By who?Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice.Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.[Murmuring]Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?Donkey: Me! Me!Shrek: Anyone?Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from![Cheering][Twittering][Cheering Continues]Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek.Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh!Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪Shrek: What did I say about singing?Donkey: Can I whistle?Shrek: No.Donkey: Can I hum it?Shrek: All right, hum it.♪♪ [Humming][Gurgling][Coughing]Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.[Coughing]Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!Gingy: You're a monster.Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!?Gingy: Eat me![Spits]Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man.Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man!Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.[Door Opens]Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.[Man Grunting][Gasping]Gingy: Oh!Farquaad: Magic Mirror.Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying?Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.Farquaad: Go

on.Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three!Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.Farquaad: I'll do it.Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.Shrek: Hey, you![Screams]Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--[Whimpering][Sighs][Whimpering, Groans][Turnstile Clatters][Chuckles][Sighs]♪♪ [Instrumental Music]Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.[Creaking]Shrek: Where is everybody?Donkey: Hey, look at this![Clattering, Whirring, Clicking][Clicking][Clicking Quickens]Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪[Camera Shutter Clicks][Whirring]Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No.[Trumpet Fanfare][Crowd Cheering]Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land.[Donkey Humming]Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself--Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.Donkey: Sorry about that.[Cheering]Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.[Cheering]Farquaad: Let the tournament begin![Gasps]Knight 1: Oh!Farquaad: What is that?[Gasping]Farquaad: It's hideous!Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.Donkey: Huh?Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!Knight 2: Get him!Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.Woman: Go ahead! Get him!Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?Knight 3: Kill the beast!Shrek: No? All right then. Come on![♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing]Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪Knight 4: Damn![Whinnying]Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do

what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪Shrek: Ah! [Laughs]Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪Shrek: Yeah!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪[Bell Dings][Cheering]Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha![Shrek Laughs][Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir?Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!Shrek: What?Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.Farquaad: Your swamp?Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures![Crowd Murmuring]Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.Shrek: Exactly the way it was?Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.Shrek: And the squatters?Farquaad: As good as gone.Shrek: What kind of quest?Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.Donkey: Example?Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink?Shrek: Yes-- No!Donkey: They make you cry?Shrek: No!Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs]Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes.Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet.Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming.Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.[♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing]The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

either.[Rumbling]Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing]Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers?Shrek: Oh, aye.Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.Donkey: You know what I mean.Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.Donkey: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please.Shrek: But you're already halfway.Donkey: But I know that half is safe!Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we?Donkey: Don't do that!Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?Donkey: Yes, that!Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay.Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it.Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.[Water Dripping][Wind Howling]Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid?Shrek: No, but-- Shh.Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps]Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess.Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there?Shrek: I read it in a book once.Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.[Creaking]Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--?Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps][Roars]Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams][Screams][Whimpering]Shrek: Got ya![Roars][Gasps]Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming]Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping][Growls]Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have.[Growls]Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek![Groans, Sighs]♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]Fiona: Oh! Oh!Shrek in Armor: Wake up!Fiona: What?Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona?Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go!Fiona: But,

wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time.Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed.Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!Shrek in Armor: I don't think so.Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion?Shrek: Um, Shrek.Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.Shrek in Armor: Thanks.[Roaring]Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on!Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass.Fiona: What kind of knight are you?Shrek in Armor: One of the kind.Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh![Growls][Roars][Roaring][Gasps]Donkey: Hi, Princess!Fiona: It talks!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming]Shrek: Oh![Thuds][Groans][Shrek Groans][Roars][Roars][Roaring][Roars]Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run![Gasping][Screaming][Screams][Roars][Panting, Sighs][Whimpers][Roars][Roars, Whimpers][Dragon Growling In The Distance]Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.[Clears Throat]Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed?Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed.Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.Shrek in Armor: Uh, no.Fiona: Why not?Shrek: I have helmet hair.Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st.Fiona: But, how will you kiss me?Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description.Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?Fiona: Well, yes.[Laughing][Laughing]Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love!Fiona: What is so funny?Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet.Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.Fiona: Just take off the helmet.Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to.Fiona: Take it off.Shrek in Amror: No!Fiona: Now!Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness.Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre.Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.Fiona: Well, yes,

actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you.Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me?Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet.Donkey: So much for noble steed.Shrek: You're not making my job any easier.Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down!Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey?Donkey: I'm right behind ya.Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams]Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful!Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs]Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him.[Both Laughing]Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?Shrek: No, that'll take longer.Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods.Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good.Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now![Bird Wings Fluttering]Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here.Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.Shrek: Homey touches? Like what?[Crashing]Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.Fiona: I said, good night!Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing?Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding.[Fire Crackling]Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.Donkey: I know you're making this up.Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?Shrek: Our swamp?Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.Shrek: No. Do ya think?Donkey: Are you hidin' something?Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it?Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it?Shrek: Why do you always want to?Donkey: Why are you blocking?Shrek: I'm not blocking.Donkey: Yes, you are.Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.Donkey: Who you trying to keep out?Shrek: Everyone! Okay?Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere.Shrek: Oh! For

the love of Pete!Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.Shrek: Yeah, I know.Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?Shrek: That's the moon.Donkey: Oh, okay.♪♪ [Orchestra]♪♪ [Dulcimer]Farquaad: Again. Show me again.[Music Stops, Rewinds]Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.Mirror: Hmph.[Rewinds, Resumes]Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales][Snoring]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Whistling Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched]♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched]♪♪ [Continues][Sizzling][Sniffs, Yawns]Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it.Shrek: Donkey, wake up.Donkey: Huh? What?Shrek: Wake up.Donkey: What?Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs?Donkey: Good morning, Princess!Shrek: What's all this about?Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me.Shrek: Uh, thanks.[Sniffs]Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.[Belches]Donkey: Shrek!Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs]Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.[Belches]Fiona: Thanks.Donkey: She's as nasty as you are.Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected.Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing]Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey!Shrek: Princess?[Laughs]Fiona: What are you doing?Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast.Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own!Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are!Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs]♪♪ [Accordion]Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪[Tarzan Yell][Grunts, Groans][Karate Yell][Merry Men Gasping]Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying!Man: Oh, you little--[Karate Yell]♪♪ [Accordion][Tarzan woman yell][Shouting, Groaning][Tarzan woman yells about 3 times][Groaning]Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we?Shrek: Hold the phone.[Grunts]Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?Fiona: What?Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt!Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that?Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.Donkey: Why? What's wrong?Fiona: Shrek's hurt.Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay.Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your

legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: What are the flowers for?Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.Shrek: Ah.Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out.Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help.Fiona: Don't move.Shrek: Look, time out.Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do?Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: Ow!Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!Shrek: Ow! Not good.Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.[Grunts]Fiona: It's just about--Shrek: Ow! Ohh!Donkey: Ahem.Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh--Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay.Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow!Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs][Bird Chirping][♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing][Grunts]Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪Donkey: Aah!Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪[Croaks]Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪Fiona: Hey!Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪[Both Laughing]Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la.Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.Fiona: That's Duloc?Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow!Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one.Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey.[Blubbering]Shrek: What?Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine.Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?Fiona: I'll make you some tea.Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See?Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.Fiona: I'll get the firewood.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.Fiona: No kidding.Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling]Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that.[Slurps, Laughs]Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪Shrek: Um, Princess?Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I, um, I was wondering.Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪Shrek: Are you--Donkey: You belong to me.Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that?[Chuckles]Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.Shrek: What?Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid

of the dark.[Shrek Sighs]Fiona: Good night.Shrek: Good night.[Door Creaks]Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about?Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it.Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm--Donkey: An ogre?Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'?Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs]Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?[Wings Fluttering]Donkey: Princess?[Creaking]Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.[Screams]Donkey: Aah!Fiona: Oh, no!Donkey: No, help!Fiona: Shh!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay.Donkey: What did you do with the princess?Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess.Donkey: Aah!Fiona: It's me, in this body.Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?Fiona: Donkey!Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!Fiona: No!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: Shh.Donkey: Shrek!Fiona: This is me.Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.Fiona I'm ugly, okay?Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now--Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember.Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form."Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs]Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.Fiona: Shrek?Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.[Deep Sigh]Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise!Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.[Door Opens][Snoring]Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want--[Snoring]Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right?Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's

something I have to tell you.Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.Fiona: You heard what I said?Shrek: Every word.Fiona: I thought you'd understand.Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does.[Gasps, Sighs]Shrek: Ah, right on time.[Horse Whinnies]Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something.♪♪ [Fanfare]Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over.Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell.Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't.Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.[Gasps]Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make.Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre.Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.Shrek: Yeah? So what?Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's--Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you.Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!Donkey: But I thought--Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!Donkey: Shrek.[♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing]John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪[Thumping Sound]Shrek: Donkey?[Grunts]Shrek: What are you doing?Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half.Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm.Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.Shrek: Back off!Donkey: No, you back off.Shrek: This is my swamp!Donkey: Our swamp.Shrek: Let go, Donkey!Donkey: You let go.Shrek: Stubborn jackass!Donkey: Smelly ogre.Shrek: Fine!Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.Shrek: Well, I'm through with you.Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me

and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back!Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.Shrek: Go away!Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: No!Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?Donkey: Hmph.Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?Shrek: Right. Friends?Donkey: Friends.Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles]Shrek: Donkey?[Donkey Laughing]Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism.Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you.Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo![Bells Tolling][All Gasping]Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union...Fiona: Um-- of our now king--Bishop: Excuse me.Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on.Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?Shrek: What are you talking about?Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"Shrek: I don't have time for this!Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: You wanna hold her?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: Please her?Shrek: Yes!Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap!Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?Donkey: We gotta check it out.[Donkey Grunting]Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me...Shrek: What do you see?Donkey: The whole town's in there.Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife...Donkey: They're at the altar.Bishop: ...king and queen.Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete![Grunts]Shrek: I object!Fiona: Shrek?[Gasps]Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want?[Crowd Clamoring]Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.Fiona: What are you doing here?Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding--Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me--Shrek: But you can't marry him.Fiona: And why not?Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.Shrek: He's not your true love.Fiona: And what do you know about true love?Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean--Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.[Crowd Laughing]Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues]Fiona: Shrek, is this true?Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm!Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.[Whimpers][Crowd Gasping]Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a

lot.Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!Fiona: No, no! Shrek!Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek!Shrek: No!Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons.Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!Fiona: No! Shrek!Farquaad: And as for you, my wife,Shrek: Fiona!Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king![Whistles]Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah!Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.[Dragon Roars]Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge![Belches]Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?[Cheering]Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek.Shrek: Uh, Fiona?Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I-- I love you.Fiona: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Fiona: I love you too.All: Aawww!Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form."Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.Shrek: But you are beautiful.[Chuckles]Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending.[♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪All: Oy!Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪Gingy: God bless us, every one.Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪Mice: Ooh! Uh!Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

i hope you know you crashed my tumblr, made my phone lag, and cursed my feed. thank you so much /j

nah but fr thats fucking hilarious BHAHAHAHA - MOD IBUKI

[black-5abbath]

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen. [Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes] Shrek: What a load of-- [Toilet Door slams] Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool. [♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing] Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪ [Shouting] Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪ [Belches] Villagers: Go! Go! [Record Scrating] Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪ Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it! Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you? Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. Villager 3: No! Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! [Gasping] Villager 3: Right. [Roaring] [Shouting] [Roaring] [Roaring Continues] [Shouting Continues] Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away. [Gasping] Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs] Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away! [Gasps] Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up! Captain of the Guards: Next! Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over. Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. Guard 4: Get up! Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces. Guard 5: Come on! [Thudding] Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet! Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small. Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! Old Lady: Oh, shut up! Donkey: Oh! Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got? Geppetto: This little wooden puppet. Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Captain of the Guards: Next. Pinocchio: Help me! Captain of the Guards: What have you got? Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey. [Grunts] Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella. Captain of the Guards: Well? Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt-- Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight. Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk! Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly! Peter Pan: He can fly! Pigs: He can fly! Captain of the Guards: He can talk! Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. Captain of the Guards: Seize him! Guard 7: After him! He's getting away! [Grunts, Gasps] Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn! Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre! Shrek: Aye? Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility. Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army? [Gasps, Whimpering] Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible! Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa! Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really. Donkey: Man, it's good to be free. Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. [Roaring] Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. Shrek: Why are you following me? Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪ Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? Donkey: Uh-- Really tall? Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? Donkey: Nope. Shrek: Really? Donkey: Really, really. Shrek: Oh. Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name? Shrek: Uh, Shrek. Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? Shrek: That would be my home. Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? Shrek: I like my privacy. Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you? Shrek: Uh, what? Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please? Shrek: Of course! Donkey: Really? Shrek: No. Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only. Donkey: Ah! Thank you! Shrek: What are you-- No. No. Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles. Shrek: Oh! Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep? Shrek: Outside! Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪ [Bubbling] [Sighs] [Creaking] Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside? Donkey: I am outside. [Clattering] [Clattering] Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine. Gorder: What a lovely bed. Shrek: Got ya. Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese. Shrek: Ow! [Grunts] Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff. Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder? Gorder: How did you know? Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey! [Snickers] Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. Shrek: Huh? [Gasps] Wolf: What? Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy? Wolf: Aah! Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no. [Cackling] [Cackling Continues] Shrek: What? Girl: Quit it. Don't push. [Squeaking] [Lows] Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp? [Gasping] Fairies: Oh, dear! Dwarf: Whoa! Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Dwarf: Quickly. Come on! Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. Dwarf: Oh! [Sighs] Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them. Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us. Shrek: What? Pinocchio: We were forced to come here. Shrek: By who? Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice. Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is. [Murmuring] Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is. Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Donkey: Me! Me! Shrek: Anyone? Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from! [Cheering] [Twittering] [Cheering Continues] Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me. Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek. Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh! Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪ Shrek: What did I say about singing? Donkey: Can I whistle? Shrek: No. Donkey: Can I hum it? Shrek: All right, hum it. ♪♪ [Humming] [Gurgling] [Coughing] Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk. [Coughing] Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! Gingy: You're a monster. Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!? Gingy: Eat me! [Spits] Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them? Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingy: The muffin man. Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane? Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man. Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingy: The muffin man! Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man. [Door Opens] Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it. Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. [Man Grunting] [Gasping] Gingy: Oh! Farquaad: Magic Mirror. Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No! Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all? Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king. Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying? Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. Farquaad: Go on. Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three? Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord! Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three! Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. [♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing] Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪ Farquaad: Princess Fiona. Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪ Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go-- Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. Farquaad: I'll do it. Mirror: Yes, but after sunset. Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it. Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place. Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs] Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. Shrek: Hey, you! [Screams] Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just-- [Whimpering] [Sighs] [Whimpering, Groans] [Turnstile Clatters] [Chuckles] [Sighs] ♪♪ [Instrumental Music] Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet. [Creaking] Shrek: Where is everybody? Donkey: Hey, look at this! [Clattering, Whirring, Clicking] [Clicking] [Clicking Quickens] Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪ [Camera Shutter Clicks] [Whirring] Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again! Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No. [Trumpet Fanfare] [Crowd Cheering] Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. [Donkey Humming] Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself-- Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. Donkey: Sorry about that. [Cheering] Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. [Cheering] Farquaad: Let the tournament begin! [Gasps] Knight 1: Oh! Farquaad: What is that? [Gasping] Farquaad: It's hideous! Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Donkey: Huh? Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! Knight 2: Get him! Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. Woman: Go ahead! Get him! Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint? Knight 3: Kill the beast! Shrek: No? All right then. Come on! [♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing] Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪ Knight 4: Damn! [Whinnying] Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪ Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪ Shrek: Ah! [Laughs] Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪ Shrek: Yeah! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪ Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪ [Bell Dings] [Cheering] Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! [Shrek Laughs] [Crowd Gasping, Murmuring] Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir? Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion! Shrek: What? Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back. Farquaad: Your swamp? Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! [Crowd Murmuring] Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. Shrek: Exactly the way it was? Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. Shrek: And the squatters? Farquaad: As good as gone. Shrek: What kind of quest? Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no. Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. Donkey: Example? Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink? Shrek: Yes-- No! Donkey: They make you cry? Shrek: No! Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs] Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes. Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet. Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming. Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. [♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing] The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪ Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone either. [Rumbling] Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing] Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers? Shrek: Oh, aye. Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. Donkey: You know what I mean. Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights? Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava! Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. Donkey: Really? Shrek: Really, really. Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better. Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down. Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please. Shrek: But you're already halfway. Donkey: But I know that half is safe! Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait! Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we? Donkey: Don't do that! Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? Donkey: Yes, that! Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay. Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it! Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it. Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. [Water Dripping] [Wind Howling] Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid? Shrek: No, but-- Shh. Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps] Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess. Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there? Shrek: I read it in a book once. Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. [Creaking] Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it. Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--? Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps] [Roars] Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams] [Screams] [Whimpering] Shrek: Got ya! [Roars] [Gasps] Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming] Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping] [Growls] Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have. [Growls] Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! [Groans, Sighs] ♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] Fiona: Oh! Oh! Shrek in Armor: Wake up! Fiona: What? Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona? Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go! Fiona: But, wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time. Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed. Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! Shrek in Armor: I don't think so. Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion? Shrek: Um, Shrek. Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Shrek in Armor: Thanks. [Roaring] Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon? Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on! Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did! Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame! Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass. Fiona: What kind of knight are you? Shrek in Armor: One of the kind. Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh! [Growls] [Roars] [Roaring] [Gasps] Donkey: Hi, Princess! Fiona: It talks! Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick! Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming] Shrek: Oh! [Thuds] [Groans] [Shrek Groans] [Roars] [Roars] [Roaring] [Roars] Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run! [Gasping] [Screaming] [Screams] [Roars] [Panting, Sighs] [Whimpers] [Roars] [Roars, Whimpers] [Dragon Growling In The Distance] Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. [Clears Throat] Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed? Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed. Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. Shrek in Armor: Uh, no. Fiona: Why not? Shrek: I have helmet hair. Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st. Fiona: But, how will you kiss me? Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description. Donkey: Maybe it's a perk. Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love? Fiona: Well, yes. [Laughing] [Laughing] Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love! Fiona: What is so funny? Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet. Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. Fiona: Just take off the helmet. Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to. Fiona: Take it off. Shrek in Amror: No! Fiona: Now! Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness. Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre. Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Fiona: Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you. Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me? Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet. Donkey: So much for noble steed. Shrek: You're not making my job any easier. Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down! Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey? Donkey: I'm right behind ya. Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams] Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better. Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful! Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs] Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. [Both Laughing] Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? Shrek: No, that'll take longer. Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods. Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good. Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now! [Bird Wings Fluttering] Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here. Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Shrek: Homey touches? Like what? [Crashing] Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. Fiona: I said, good night! Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding. [Fire Crackling] Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. Donkey: I know you're making this up. Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? Shrek: Our swamp? Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. Shrek: No. Do ya think? Donkey: Are you hidin' something? Shrek: Never mind, Donkey. Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it? Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things. Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it? Shrek: Why do you always want to? Donkey: Why are you blocking? Shrek: I'm not blocking. Donkey: Yes, you are. Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you. Donkey: Who you trying to keep out? Shrek: Everyone! Okay? Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere. Shrek: Oh! For the love of Pete! Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world? Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Shrek: Yeah, I know. Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Shrek: That's the moon. Donkey: Oh, okay. ♪♪ [Orchestra] ♪♪ [Dulcimer] Farquaad: Again. Show me again. [Music Stops, Rewinds] Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Mirror: Hmph. [Rewinds, Resumes] Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales] [Snoring] ♪♪ [Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] ♪♪ [Whistling] ♪♪ [Whistling Continues] ♪♪ [Vocalizes] ♪♪ [Whistles] ♪♪ [Vocalizes] ♪♪ [Whistles] ♪♪ [Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Whistling] ♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched] ♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched] ♪♪ [Continues] [Sizzling] [Sniffs, Yawns] Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it. Shrek: Donkey, wake up. Donkey: Huh? What? Shrek: Wake up. Donkey: What? Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs? Donkey: Good morning, Princess! Shrek: What's all this about? Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me. Shrek: Uh, thanks. [Sniffs] Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. [Belches] Donkey: Shrek! Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs] Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. [Belches] Fiona: Thanks. Donkey: She's as nasty as you are. Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected. Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing] Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey! Shrek: Princess? [Laughs] Fiona: What are you doing? Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast. Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own! Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are! Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs] ♪♪ [Accordion] Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪ Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪ [Tarzan Yell] [Grunts, Groans] [Karate Yell] [Merry Men Gasping] Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying! Man: Oh, you little-- [Karate Yell] ♪♪ [Accordion] [Tarzan woman yell] [Shouting, Groaning] [Tarzan woman yells about 3 times] [Groaning] Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we? Shrek: Hold the phone. [Grunts] Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? Fiona: What? Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt! Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that? Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. Donkey: Why? What's wrong? Fiona: Shrek's hurt. Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay. Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! Shrek: Donkey! Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Shrek: What are the flowers for? Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey. Shrek: Ah. Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out. Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help. Fiona: Don't move. Shrek: Look, time out. Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do? Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. Shrek: Ow! Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! Shrek: Ow! Not good. Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head. [Grunts] Fiona: It's just about-- Shrek: Ow! Ohh! Donkey: Ahem. Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh-- Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay. Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow! Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs] [Bird Chirping] [♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing] [Grunts] Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪ Donkey: Aah! Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪ [Croaks] Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪ Fiona: Hey! Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪ [Both Laughing] Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la. Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. Fiona: That's Duloc? Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow! Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one. Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey. [Blubbering] Shrek: What? Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine. Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? Fiona: I'll make you some tea. Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See? Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. Fiona: I'll get the firewood. Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. Fiona: No kidding. Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling] Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it. Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that. [Slurps, Laughs] Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪ Shrek: Um, Princess? Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪ Fiona: Yes, Shrek? Shrek: I, um, I was wondering. Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪ Shrek: Are you-- Donkey: You belong to me. Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that? [Chuckles] Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. Shrek: What? Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. [Shrek Sighs] Fiona: Good night. Shrek: Good night. [Door Creaks] Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about? Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it. Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm-- Donkey: An ogre? Shrek: Yeah. An ogre. Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs] Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? [Wings Fluttering] Donkey: Princess? [Creaking] Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. [Screams] Donkey: Aah! Fiona: Oh, no! Donkey: No, help! Fiona: Shh! Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay. Donkey: What did you do with the princess? Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess. Donkey: Aah! Fiona: It's me, in this body. Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me? Fiona: Donkey! Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! Fiona: No! Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Fiona: Shh. Donkey: Shrek! Fiona: This is me. Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. Fiona I'm ugly, okay? Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now-- Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember. Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs] Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common. Fiona: Shrek? Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. [Deep Sigh] Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise! Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. [Door Opens] [Snoring] Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want-- [Snoring] Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right? Shrek: Perfect! Never been better. Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's something I have to tell you. Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. Fiona: You heard what I said? Shrek: Every word. Fiona: I thought you'd understand. Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does. [Gasps, Sighs] Shrek: Ah, right on time. [Horse Whinnies] Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something. ♪♪ [Fanfare] Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. Farquaad: Princess Fiona. Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over. Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad. Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell. Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't. Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. [Gasps] Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make. Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre. Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. Shrek: Yeah? So what? Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's-- Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you. Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! Donkey: But I thought-- Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! Donkey: Shrek. [♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing] John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪ [Moaning] John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪ [Moaning] John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪ [Thumping Sound] Shrek: Donkey? [Grunts] Shrek: What are you doing? Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half. Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm. Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. Shrek: Back off! Donkey: No, you back off. Shrek: This is my swamp! Donkey: Our swamp. Shrek: Let go, Donkey! Donkey: You let go. Shrek: Stubborn jackass! Donkey: Smelly ogre. Shrek: Fine! Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. Shrek: Well, I'm through with you. Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back! Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. Shrek: Go away! Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? Shrek: Donkey! Donkey: No! Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? Donkey: Hmph. Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right? Shrek: Right. Friends? Donkey: Friends. Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me? Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time. Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles] Shrek: Donkey? [Donkey Laughing] Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism. Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you. Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo! [Bells Tolling] [All Gasping] Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union... Fiona: Um-- of our now king-- Bishop: Excuse me. Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on. Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? Shrek: What are you talking about? Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" Shrek: I don't have time for this! Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: You wanna hold her? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: Please her? Shrek: Yes! Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap! Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? Donkey: We gotta check it out. [Donkey Grunting] Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me... Shrek: What do you see? Donkey: The whole town's in there. Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife... Donkey: They're at the altar. Bishop: ...king and queen. Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it. Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete! [Grunts] Shrek: I object! Fiona: Shrek? [Gasps] Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want? [Crowd Clamoring] Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. Fiona: What are you doing here? Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding-- Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you. Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me-- Shrek: But you can't marry him. Fiona: And why not? Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king. Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. Shrek: He's not your true love. Fiona: And what do you know about true love? Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean-- Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. [Crowd Laughing] Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues] Fiona: Shrek, is this true? Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm! Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. [Whimpers] [Crowd Gasping] Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a lot. Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! Fiona: No, no! Shrek! Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek! Shrek: No! Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons. Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! Fiona: No! Shrek! Farquaad: And as for you, my wife, Shrek: Fiona! Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king! [Whistles] Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah! Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. [Dragon Roars] Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge! [Belches] Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? [Cheering] Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek. Shrek: Uh, Fiona? Fiona: Yes, Shrek? Shrek: I-- I love you. Fiona: Really? Shrek: Really, really. Fiona: I love you too. All: Aawww! Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form." Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. Shrek: But you are beautiful. [Chuckles] Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending. [♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing] Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪ All: Oy! Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪ Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪ Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪ Gingy: God bless us, every one. Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪ Mice: Ooh! Uh! Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪ Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪ Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

@ranboos-sister

[incorrectsmashbrosquotes]

Hillbilly Pitty-Pat

*While covering for Pac-Man, Pit is being chased through the Smash Mansion by Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde once again. He stops in front of the ballroom (it has a ballroom?!) and puts up a “Square Dance Tomorry Night” banner before diving inside.*

Inky: We’ll get that angel if it takes until dooms-a-day!

Clyde: Yeah, dooms-a-day!

Blinky: Is that even a word?!

*Pit, dressed up in a spare one of Palutena’s togas and a green wig he brought with him, steps out of the dance hall and whistles to get the ghosts’ attention.*

Pit, speaking in a surprisingly good feminine Texan accent: What’s your hurry, boys?

*The other ghosts look around.*

Clyde: Whoa-hoo-hoo nelly! *wolf-whistles*

Inky: What a looker! Oi, Blinky, whaddya say?

Blinky: I’m not sure about this, guys. She sure looks a lot like-

Pit: Y'all care to “practize” with me for the square dancin’ tomorrow?

Inky: Delighted, ma'am.

Clyde: Same, likewise, I’m sure, ma'am.

Inky: *growls seductively*

Blinky: Uh…

Pinky: I wanna try square dancing, too! Can we go? Please please pleeeease?

Blinky: Okay, fine. Fine! *sighs* This won’t end well.

*The ghosts file into the ballroom after Pit, who stops next to a jukebox.*

Pit: Oh, uh, pardon me. One of you gents got a spare heart so as I can juice up the jukebox?

Clyde: Here you is. *passes Pit a Hyrulian Heart Piece*

Inky: Ma'am. *passes Pit the Heart Locket from Undertale*

Pit: Thanks just all to pieces. Spiral Mountain trio, comin’ right up!

*As soon as the jukebox receives its currency, it projects holograms of Banjo, Kazooie, and Tooty, who start playing their respective instruments.*

Banjo hologram: Let’s all Square Dance! Places all! Bow to your corner, bow to your own!

*they all do so*

Banjo hologram:

Three hands up and round you go, / break it up with a dosey do! Chicken in the bread pan kickin’ out dough. / Skip to ma Lou, my darling!

The old lady out, you pretty little thing, / promenade around the ring! Big foot up and little foot down, / make that big foot jar the ground!

Lady step back and two gents in, / back you go and forward again! Step right up with an elbow swing. / Skip to ma Lou, my darling!

Allemande left with the old left hand, / follow through with a right-left grand. Meet your honey with a great big smile, / promenade Eekum Bokum style!

*Pit has shifted away from the ghosts, who are now dancing gleefully. He whips out his violin from his appearnce in Tetris for the NES, and then throws off his toga and wig, puts on a country straw hat, and unplugs the jukebox in that order, before he starts playing said violin like a fiddle.*

Pit:

Promenade across the floor, / sashay right on out the door! Out the door and into the glade, / and everybody promenade!

*The ghosts dance right out the door and into the courtyard with Pit in tow, still playing his violin.*

Pit:

Step right up, you’re doing fine, / I’ll pull your trail, you pull mine! Yank it again like you did before, / break it up with a tug o'war!

*The ghosts immediately start yanking at each others’ ghostly tail thingies. They’re nearing a ledge overlooking a river, until Pit kicks them in.*

Pit:

Now into the brook and fish for the trout, / dive right in and splash about! Trout, trout, pretty little trout, / one more splash and come right out!

*The ghosts splash around while Magikarp and Arrokuda jump around around them. They then come out soaking wet.*

Pit:

Shake like a hound dog, shake again, / wallow around in the ol’ pig pen! Wallow some more, y'all know how, / roll around like an ol’ fat sow!

*The ghosts have shaken off the water, but now jump into a nearby pen full of mud, where they roll around until they look like brown floating blobs.*

Pit:

Allemande left with your left hand, / follow through with a right-left grand! Now leave your partner, the dirty ol’ thing, / follow through with an elbow swing!

*The ghosts have all begun dancing with a group of Piloswine who have been lounging in the mud with them. Then they realize what they’re doing and jump out, preparing to lunge at a still-fiddling Pit, who steps up to a pile of Home Run Bats and kicks a few in their direction.*

Pit:

Grab a bat and hold it tight, / womp your partner with all your might! Hit him in the chin, hit him in the head, / hit him again, that critter ain’t dead!

*The ghosts have begun beating each other up with the Home Run Bats.*

Pit:

Womp him low and womp him high, / stick your finger in his eye! Pretty little rhythm, pretty little sound, / bang your heads against the ground!

*The ghosts are now threatening to take the Home Run Bats to Pit, who is now standing in front of the black mage packing machine from Final Fantasy IX.*

Pit:

Promenade all around the room, / promenade like a bride and groom! Open up the door and step right in, / close the door and into a spin!

*The ghosts lunge at Pit, who sidesteps them so they fall into the packing machine.*

Pit:

Whirl, whirl, twist and twirl, / jump all round like a flyin’ squirrel! Now don’t you cuss and don’t you swear, / just come right out and form a square!

*Four boxes are spat out by the packing machine, and the ghosts burst out with murderous rage and begin chasing Pit again.*

Pit:

Now right hand over and left hand under, / both join hands and run like thunder! Over the hill and over the dale, / duck your head and lift your tail!

*He passes by a large blinking ball, and as all the ghosts pass through they all turn blue with pink eyes and mouths. Just then, Pit skids to a halt, and there’s Pac-Man standing next to him.*

Pit:

Don’t you stray and don’t you roam, / turn around and promenade home! Corn in the crib pen, wheat in the sack, / turn your partner and promenade back!

*The ghosts stop, turn around, and then turn around AGAIN and promenade right into Pac-Man’s waiting mouth. He then spits out four pairs of eyes which have now been run absolutely ragged.*

Pit: And now you’re home. Bow to your partner. Bow to the gent across the hall.

*The ghost-eyes bow to each other, and then flop onto the ground in exhaustion.*

Pit: And that is all! *plays the last few notes of the song*

Pit: You were right. That was fun!

Pac-Man: The real fun will start once they start wondering how you got that fiddle in the first place.

Pit: For the last time, Pac… It’s a violin!

[fvrxdrm]

City of the Living Dead

Chapter 1

“Y/N, wake up!”

Carlos yelled at you to wake you up and shook your still sleeping form violently. Your eyes abruptly shot open after hearing his full-throated voice, your E/C orbs immediately landing on the face of the man hovering above you. 

You scanned his face, still not fully aware of your surroundings due to your sleepiness but as time went on and your brain had sobered up a bit, you noticed that he didn’t look calm and balmy like how he usually was, he looked...agitated which mirrored the way he shouted at you.

“Carlos?” You muttered, your mouth barely opening as the rest of your body  was still putting itself together.

“Come on. We gotta get out of here”, Carlos said as he unlatched all of the metal straps holding you down onto your bed using the computer that was situated on a wooden desk a few feet away from you.

“What? Why? What’s going on?” You asked, confused as to why the soldier was jittery all of a sudden.

You forced yourself to sit up with both of your hands aiding you as you struggled to do the simple action. It had been a long time since you’ve done it anyway. Those stupid scientists would not let you.

“Would you believe me if I told you that a zombie apocalypse is happening?”

Now that woke you up.

“What?”

Zombie apocalypse? How’d that happen? Don’t those things happen in like movies or something?

“The city’s in total chaos. Don’t know how it happened but it is... Listen, we’re the only two left in here. The rest of our team members are looking for other survivors and something we could use to get out of here”, Carlos replied as he draped your arm around his shoulders and wrapped one of his own around your waist to help you stand up since your legs felt like jelly at that moment.

“What about my sister?” You questioned, remembering that your sister was taken with you.

“I haven’t seen your sister yet so I guess her bodyguard helped her out”

“Do you know who her bodyguard is?”

“No. Those information are also confidential for some unknown reason. Can you walk?” 

“I think so”, you slowly slid your arm off of Carlos’ shoulders as you carefully took a few steps to your right side, Carlos’ arm still not leaving your waist until he was sure that you got the hang of it.

“Alright, I’m ready”, you spoke after a few seconds of finding your balance.

“Not quite. You still need to change your clothes. Wouldn’t want to go out in the wild like that, would we?” Carlos uttered as he gestured his hand towards your skimpy hospital gown that had a deep v going dangerously down below your breasts, showing off your cleavage.

Why the fuck is my gown this revealing?

“Right. Where will I get some clothes?”

“I think we got some in the locker room”

“Okay, let’s go then”

“Come on, I’ll lead the way”, Carlos motioned for you to follow him as he opened the white door, looking back towards where you were to make sure that you were trailing right behind him.

*****

“We’re here”

Carlos swiped the key card that he had been holding onto since he entered your room into the key slot located on the right side of the locker room’s door and waited until the light beside the slot turned green before pushing the metal door open.

“Ladies first”, Carlos spoke with a smile as he raised his arm towards the room that was full of lockers (duh) and some benches, his free hand still placed on the door to keep it from slamming pancakes into your faces.

“It better not be to check out my ass”, you snickered as you strolled inside the room, immediately checking every locker in hopes of getting some new clothes to change into ‘cause the hospital gown you were wearing was a fashion no-no.

“Nah. I’m too manly to do that”, Carlos said back as he followed you inside, closing the door right behind him after doing so.

“What a gent”

“I tend to be”

Carlos helped in finding you new clothes, searching lockers after lockers until he finally found a plain black tank top, a (F/C) (sports/balconette/demi/whatever you like) bra, a pair of ripped black denim shorts, a denim jacket, and a pair of black combat boots.

Perfect.

“Hey, Y/N, I got something that might fit you”, Carlos mouthed aloud as he held the neatly folded clothes with both hands right in front of you.

“Thanks”

You quickly grabbed the clothes that were placed on top of his palms before entering the small area that was covered by a white curtain.

“So, what’s the plan, hero?” You asked the mop-headed soldier in order to break the slightly awkward silence that filled the room as you changed into the new clothes that Carlos found as quickly as possible. 

“Like I said, my teammates are looking for something we could use to get the hell out of here but they sure are taking their sweet time”, Carlos replied as he shook his head, his back turned to where you were as if he could see your naked body through the curtain even though he could literally only see your silhouette. What an actual gentleman.

“What’s it like up there?”

“A shit-hole. This place is full of zombies and shit. There’s also this giant-ass dude just roaming around. You wouldn’t wanna see it”

“But I have to if I want to get out of here”

“Yeah... Listen, once we get out of this facility, you stay right behind me. Wouldn’t want you to get lost”, you chuckled at his remark, your head shaking a bit as you did so.

He’s like an over-protective big brother or something.

“How would I get lost in this place? I mean, I grew up here in Illinois. I basically know every twists and turns in this place”, you said as you put the pair of shorts on, making sure that the bottom of your tank top was tucked inside your trousers. 

Unseen by you, though, Carlos’ face fell as he heard those words come out of your mouth.

Shit, she doesn’t know?

“Y/N...”

“Yeah?”

“You’re not in Illinois”

Your heart dropped.

Your hands stopped tugging on your jacket and your eyes widened by themselves as you stood still, frozen in place.

“What?” You finally spoke after a minute of silence as you practically yanked the curtain open and stepped out of the tiny space, your eyebrows furrowing together in confusion as you stomped towards the man.

“Y/N, you’re in Raccoon City. Did nobody tell you that”, Carlos said as he turned around to face you, his face mirroring the look you were giving him.

“No”, you shook your head from one side to another as you said that one word to emphasize what you were saying since you were not sure if he had heard you at all for the reason that your voice sounded barely above a whisper as you spoke.

You stayed silent, taking in the newfound information you got from the male right in front of you.

Your brain scrambled a million thoughts together as bewilderment flooded inside your head. But even so, one question kept nagging you every time you woke up on top of the leather-topped bed you were placed and strapped on.

“How long was I in here?” You asked.

You were nervous as hell for some unknown reason but you were itching to know the answer.

What if I was in here for like a month? Are my friends worried?

Slowly, your heart began to pound in your chest, the sound becoming louder and louder until you could hear its hammering ringing inside your ears. You were starting to think that Carlos could hear the anxiety you were feeling even though you didn’t let it out verbally.

Please don’t be too long, please don’t be too long...

“One year”, Carlos finally responded after a few seconds of heavy silence.

Your heart dropped into your stomach again and you sure as hell heard it shatter into a million pieces after hearing those words come right out of his mouth.

“One year?”

“Yeah... Hey, don’t cry. Your pretty face might get ruined”, Carlos said as he wiped the stray tear that you didn’t even notice away with his calloused thumb and attempted to comfort you but it was no use. Your heart broke at those two words.

One year? That’s how long I was gone? That’s even worst than a month! How the hell was I missing for that long!?

“Hey, don’t worry. I’ll make sure to bring you back to Illinois. If it makes you feel a bit more at ease, I snatched this bracelet and this necklace from Dr. Birkin’s office. Thought these might be really important to you”, Carlos spoke again as he took out a customized bracelet with your friend’s name on it and a silver necklace that had a(n) (birthstone) stone attached into a metal framing from one of his pockets.

You gently took the bracelet from his hand before reading the four letters that were written on each tiny cube bead. 

Leon

God, how is he feeling right now? 

You wondered. 

Out of all the friends you’ve had, Leon was the most over-protective of them all. You didn’t know why he was like that but you were kind of glad that someone genuinely cared about you even though most of the time it was the cause of your arguments.

You see, you and Leon have been best friends since birth and so were both of your mothers. For some reason, your mother and his decided that it would be a good idea to get pregnant at the same time and then BOOM! You and Leon were born.

I’m so sorry, Leon.

“Hey, I don’t know who this Leon kid is but don’t worry, I’ll bring you back to him, too”, Carlos uttered out loud as if he could read your own random thoughts. He circled around you to place your necklace around your neck, making sure that he wouldn’t snip even a tiny part of your skin as he clasped the hooks together. You smiled.

“Thanks, Carlos. I owe you one”

“No problem, kiddo. That’s what friends are for, right?”

Yeah, and you were glad that you had one in that hell-hole of a facility you were in.

---***---

Ayo! Chapter 1, wuz good?! I'm sorry this was kind of rushed. I was busy with dance and all that stuff🤣

Anyways, how was it? Did you like it? Did you not?

[shhh-go-to-sleep]

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.

[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]

Shrek: What a load of--

[Toilet Door slams]

Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.

[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪

[Shouting]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

[Belches]

Villagers: Go! Go!

[Record Scrating]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

Villager 3: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Gasping]

Villager 3: Right.

[Roaring]

[Shouting]

[Roaring]

[Roaring Continues]

[Shouting Continues]

Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.

[Gasping]

Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]

Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away!

[Gasps]

Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Next!

Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.

Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.

Guard 4: Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.

Guard 5: Come on!

[Thudding]

Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.

Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Old Lady: Oh, shut up!

Donkey: Oh!

Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Captain of the Guards: Next.

Pinocchio: Help me!

Captain of the Guards: What have you got?

Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

[Grunts]

Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Captain of the Guards: Well?

Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--

Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.

Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!

Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

Pigs: He can fly!

Captain of the Guards: He can talk!

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.

Captain of the Guards: Seize him!

Guard 7: After him! He's getting away!

[Grunts, Gasps]

Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!

Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

[Gasps, Whimpering]

Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!

Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

[Roaring]

Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Shrek: Why are you following me?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪

Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?

Shrek: That would be my home.

Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know. Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?

Shrek: Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

Donkey: Ah! Thank you!

Shrek: What are you-- No. No.

Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.

Shrek: Oh!

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: Outside!

Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪

[Bubbling]

[Sighs]

[Creaking]

Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?

Donkey: I am outside.

[Clattering]

[Clattering]

Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

Gorder: What a lovely bed.

Shrek: Got ya.

Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.

Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]

Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.

Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?

Gorder: How did you know?

Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey!

[Snickers]

Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]

Wolf: What?

Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

Wolf: Aah!

Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.

[Cackling]

[Cackling Continues]

Shrek: What?

Girl: Quit it. Don't push.

[Squeaking]

[Lows]

Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

[Gasping]

Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

[Sighs]

Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.

Pinocchio: Gosh, no one invited us.

Shrek: What?

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.

Shrek: By who?

Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he singed an eviction notice.

Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.

[Murmuring]

Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.

Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Anyone?

Donkey: Me! Me! Oh! Oh! Pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all Fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

[Cheering]

[Twittering]

[Cheering Continues]

Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind, big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek. ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪

Shrek: What did I say about singing?

Donkey: Can I whistle?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Can I hum it?

Shrek: All right. Hum it.

♪♪ [Humming]

[Gurgling]

[Coughing]

Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.

[Coughing]

Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

Gingy: You're a monster.

Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?

Gingy: Eat me!

[Spits]

Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--

Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!

Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?

Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man.

Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?

Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man!

Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.

[Door Opens]

Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.

Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

[Man Grunting]

[Gasping]

Gingy: Oh.

Farquaad: Magic Mirror.

Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!

Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?

Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.

Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying

Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

Farquaad: Go on.

Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome, Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?

Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?

Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!

Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, Number three!

Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]

Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪

Farquaad: Princess Fiona.

Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪

Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--

Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

Farquaad: I'll do it.

Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.

Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.

Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.

Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]

Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

Shrek: Hey, you!

[Screams]

Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--

[Whimpering]

[Sighs]

[Whimpering, Groans]

[Turnstile Clatters]

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

♪♪ [Instrumental Music]

Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.

[Creaking]

Shrek: Where is everybody?

Donkey: Hey, look at this!

[Clattering, Whirring, Clicking]

[Clicking]

[Clicking Quickens]

Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪

[Camera Shutter Clicks]

Bestie..- 😀