#if I’d thought about it I could have 3 degrees when I graduate

[knight-says-nanana]

An analysis on Ed’s comic childhood, how that impacted his OCD*, and how that translated to the Gotham TV show

Alternatively: GTV Ed’s Biography

*(and also how it very clearly gave him cptsd but they don’t explicitly Say that bc DC is full of cowards)

Normally I’d say comics don’t impact tv continuity, especially for a show like Gotham where so many things are changed, but the thing is? Cory Michael Smith specifically went out of his way to read the riddler comics when he accepted the role of Ed Nygma. He acted accordingly and did an amazing job trying to salvage the show’s poor writing. There are many tiny moments where he does things that reference Ed’s typical backstory despite the show, in all its 5 seasons, never bringing it up

Childhood wise there are typically two widely accepted routes

1 - his mom was around but neglectful and off her head with drugs n alcohol

2 - his mom left when he was a toddler due to not being able to handle his father anymore, which kinda kickstarted the abuse being focused onto Ed instead

I will be continuing this analysis with #2 because it is the most popular and explains his abandonment issues

Comic Based Childhood

So this guy basically grew up with Only his father. His father who is a dumbass, an alcoholic, blames Ed for his mother leaving, incredibly abusive physically, and couldn’t accept that 1) his kid is smarter than him or that 2) a kid so Weird cough traumatized and neurodivergent cough is anything but an idiot

A major sticking point was that he always thought Ed was lying, constantly, about everything. This will be important later.

And when Ed finally started going to school and getting A’s?? Yeah no Obviously he had to have been cheating so Mr Nashton just got More angry with him. Could Ed have dropped his grades on purpose to avoid this? Yeah. Did he? Absolutely not. Academic success was the one thing he could be proud of and the only thing that gave him any sort of praise or validation. He was clinging to it for dear life.

No matter the universe, this is a guy who craves attention.

There is difference between academic success and school life itself, because Ed is awkward n dorky n, especially at this point in time, anxious n quiet. So he didn’t have friends. In fact it’s usually written as either him having been bullied or being ignored entirely

The boy was not doing ok at all. So understandably he ran away as soon as possible and changed his name.

Now, this is the first point where Gotham’s canon ties into this in a Very interesting way

We know Ed’s official birth year from the ID card in the show. It’s canon. In season one he is 26. We know this. And it’s is insane for a few reasons!!

He is So Much Younger than his coworkers holy shit

Bullock is old enough to be his dad and he’s not nice, no wonder Ed doesn’t like him

He works in forensics. At 26. And he’s implied to have been working there a year or two before Jim joined the precinct.

Now, I had GENUINELY assumed that he was in his 30s like Jim. BECAUSE HE WORKS IN FORENSICS. But no he’s just actually a botched Spencer Reid because he’s 26 in season one.

A degree in forensic science takes 4 years.

If you want a masters it’s an extra 2 years.

Factoring in the time he would’ve needed to spend interning and working just to QUALIFY for a job at the GCPD???

If we assume he ran away n got into college at age 17 and got his bachelor's he’d be 21 by the time he graduated, 23 if he got his masters which of course he would, and then that leaves us only 3 or 1 year/s for internships and stuff before he joins the GCPD. What. What.

No wonder his apartment is so shitty!!! This is a man with hella student loans

But yeah! Hes only 26 and his 40 year old coworkers are bulling him for being weird. I’d hate my job too.

Bullock is 48 and I’m fully convinced he, like me, thinks Ed is at least 32 (Jim’s age) because. What.

So yeah that’s his general backstory, NOW the ways that plays into his mental state and how his actor managed to fit it into the show

So, you can reasonably assume he’s traumatized.

And!? There are so many subtle moments in the show where Cory acts his character accordingly for this. He flinches when people raise their voice, he’s visibly spooked when men in the GCPD get huffy (usually it’s Mr James Anger Issues Gordon). He’s skittish as a mouse. In the watermelon scene, when Gordon busts into the room, Ed immediately falls over himself to explain what he’s doing in there. The guy was terrified. Of James. Who’s never done a thing to him.

Beyond that? CPTSD -beyond the regular symptoms of flashbacks, triggers, and hyper awareness- also includes difficulty regulating emotions, feelings of shame/guilt, and trouble staying in relationships.

Ed Nygma is a damn textbook case. He has meltdowns, he falls into substances, he does ANYTHING but cope when he’s overwhelmed. He is constantly trying to prove he’s smart, there’s a gut deep shame when he doesn’t hold up to genius standards. And you’ve seen his relationships.

Basic info ab OCD: it’s an anxiety disorder and the two main things are obsessive compulsions and intrusive thoughts, both of which are present in Gotham but not handled nearly as well as they are in the comics

Compulsions first!

These tend to stem from subconscious thoughts and people won’t always know Why they have a compulsion but they’re generally a way of preventing a vague yet all consuming Bad Thing.

Now, with Ed one of his major sticking points in comics AND the show is he cannot tell blatant lies, especially not with yes/no answers.

This is part of why he compulsively leaves clues for absolutely everything and tries to be so vague when he is lying. He also jumps through hoops so that he won’t need to lie.

Lying = incredible all consuming dread and anxiety, so he just Doesn’t and uses his little hints and clues as a loophole. Very obviously from his father’s influence.

In the show this is shown multiple times but just for a few:

Lucious asking if Jim is at Ed’s house and when Ed tries to say no he seems almost forced to correct himself

The compulsive clue in “Tom’s” note, even when no one had asked him if he knew anything he still couldn’t keep it entirely to himself. The note is a loophole. Technically he told on himself. They just didn’t figure it out. (Well. Kristen kinda did but denying it aka lying sent him into an anxiety attack the moment she left. So.)

When Sofia Falcone was torturing him to find out where Oswald was, he told her. He just told her via a riddler he knew she didn’t understand! No need to lie!

In the car ride to the docks Oswald also calls him out directly by saying he’s so predictable because he’s driven by obsessive compulsion. This is the most the show acknowledges it.

Beyond his compulsions he’s got explicit intrusive thoughts regarding a few big things. (Should be noted that these tend to drive compulsions but not always.)

being viewed as stupid

Ergo his criminal history just being a big show to prove how smart he is. Again, his fathers influence.

being actually stupid

Not knowing things stresses him out So Bad and he takes it So Personally. He NEEDS to know everything. The world is a puzzle and he is Going to solve it.

Side note: That’s why I do LOVE that Gotham made him a forensics specialist!! He’s always had, to quote a DC podcast where he’s talking to Batgirl “-and you have that terrible all consuming pathology which comples you to find answers” “AnD i HaVe tHaT tErRiBlE aLL cOnsUmiNG PaThOLoGy wHiCh coMpELs mE tO FiNd AnSwErS- Yes.”

Biggest for last: being like his dad

This one is specifically fun because it was almost represented so well. ALMOST. His entire relationship with Kristen was downright molded by it, as shown in the file room anxiety attack. Yes that’s what I’m going to call it.

He is constantly fretting over being like Tom, even when he clearly isn’t because he is disgusted by Tom. No mysoginist is going to see someone with the same thoughts as gross. No guy who thinks women should be “put in their place” is going to have such a physical reaction to hearing that be said. No abusive pos is going to have that reaction at all. At least, not in the way that situation went down or in the way Ed’s afraid of being. We aren’t discussing emotional harm or Nygmobblepot today. But he frets anyway. And if we chose to interpret his riddler hallucination as a Really poor way of representing intrusive thoughts? Yeah. Yeah. His brain is making him panic about doing exactly what he hates so much.

*it should be noted that compulsions are often reinforced by intrusive thoughts. specific example: if he lies he will be saying something wrong, he can not be wrong, everyone is going to think he’s an idiot if he’s wrong. You can see how the two things connect. This applies to the majority of compilations in some way.

Now, a moment where I deviate from discussing what Did happened because I’ll forever mourn this particular writing fuck up:

His thing with Kristen could’ve been perfect. It could’ve been the best live action riddler origin to date. Because this is a guy with OCD who’s very traumatized and would have a strong personal reaction to finding out a friend is facing domestic abuse. That would make his relationships complicated too because of the thought loop it would create off the risk of “turning out to be the type of person he hates” or “what if I hurt her like I was hurt.” That would have been so compelling? AND? AND YKNOW WHAT? MY BIGGEST GRIPE? HIS FIRST PUSH INTO VIOLENT CRIME BEING STABBING AN ABUSER WOULD BE PERFECT. It would be on point. Exceptional foray into crime and murder. BUT THEY DIDNT PLAY IT LIKE THAT. No instead it’s highly tainted by “who gets the girl” and I just. N o. Ugh. They fumbled it!! They fumbled it So Hard. THEY MAKE HIM CREEPY AS FUCK TOWARDS KRISTEN. Like- physically blocking her into small spaces and imposing on her and talking over her when, if they HAD actually leaned into the OCD on purpose, he would probably be hyper aware of not doing.

[augustus-rok]

Things I do that have caught my business major classmates of guard as an dual art/business major:

-not existing in 60% of the typical classes cause I finished them before leaving hs

-showed up to an 8am class with drying clay in my hair, coffee, and the unfinished painting had due in three hours but not that days reading

-went to the GSA game day opened a jaritos soda with a paint can opener despite the actual bottle opener on my key ring as well

-life hack: paint can openers from the hardware store are really good for opening bottles, my bottle opener is superior in opening paint cans. make it make sense

-I have a 3.6 gpa despite nearly failing every business class

- I know more about ancient economic class theory than them (especially that of ancient Egypt)( this is relevant, there was a 30 minute debate) but if asked how anything outside of art selling and copyright law about the business world I cry

-I exist in the business classes

-sisters I don’t know anything I had a D on the final, but had a B in the class cause I can bs my way through homework

[goliath-de-senfina-sango]

Danny Phantom and the Riordanverse

I have some thoughts about a Shared World kind of crossover between Danny Phantom and Percy Jackson & the Olympians. I haven’t done a full rewatch of DP in ages, nor have a read outside the core 5 PJO books, the HOO books, the Kane Chronicles, Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard, and about 2 and a half of the Trials of Apollo books, also been a while. Apologies for any inaccuracies but hey, fanon.

A Glitch In Time canonizes that the Infinite Realms and Material World were once one and the same, but a global war - waged by people who were naturally half ghost the way Danny and Vlad are - split the world in 2. All things regarding Pariah Dark, I’d say he was one of the major powers in this war.

Realms can range from a 10x10x10 room to entire islands with their own celestial bodies like Dora’s kingdom and its sun. Technically we don’t know if the Far Frozen even has an End Point. Doors can lead to alternate timelines; Desiree, Ghost Writer and Clockwork are all able to warp reality, time included, and the Observant Council perceive time in at least 2 dimensions.

In the Riordanverse it is revealed in the few books of the Trials of Apollo that I read and remember that mortal belief from even a relatively small cult can elevate a mortal man to immortal status a la monsters and Gods. Apollo even muses about the way the Gods don’t want to acknowledge how dependent on mortals remembering them they are.

All of this considered, if you want DP to exist in the Riodanverse and even keep the lore of both, then the Realms/Planes/Worlds of the Gods - of Hellas, Kemet, the Æsir and Vanir, the Heavenly Beauracracy, etcetera - are Realms connected to the Spirit World but managed to remain intersected with the Material World through the efforts of the Gods and the memories of Mortals.

The Duat could even be a layer of the Infinite Realms, frankly.

Danny states that his accident was a month ago as of Episode 1, Mystery Meat, which is set April 3rd, 2004. Based on the few concrete date indicators we get in Danny Phantom, the series takes place over 3 years. 4 if you count Claw of the Wild, but that means the trio stays Tiny all the way into Senior Year lol.

Prisoners of Love begins on May 18th, Fright Knight is a Halloween episode, and in Lucky in Love, they’re at a waterpark, which only open in May at the earliest. The Fright Before Christmas is obviously set before and during Christmas and then Reality Trip is set at the beginning of Summer 2006.

In Urban Jungle, Tucker remarks that it’s 90 degrees outside, which means it’s either late May or early June since I do believe they Are in school at that point and iirc global warming hadn’t made it 90 in the midwest early in 2006. Claw of the Wild is an odd camping episode featuring Danny’s class, and I forget in episode details so if this was during school time it had to be during the spring since, again, they live relatively close to the Great Lakes, so it’s gotta be during a naturally warm time. A Glitch In Time, therefore, is set in late spring or early summer of 2008.

Percy Jackson is 12 at the beginning of The Lightning Thief & 13 at the end Iirc since his birthday is August 12th. Either way, this is in 2005. Sea of Monsters and Titan’s Curse are both set during 2006; Battle of the Labyrinth is in 2007, and iirc The Last Olympian is set next year during 2008 and Percy is 16.

Thereby when the Heroes of Olympus books begin in 2008-2009, Danny is 18 and either a senior or highschool graduate. This is a hilarious point in time for Percy to meet Danny, actually, or any of our protagonist crew, if you want to maintain canon for both.

I know most people don’t, in fact, care to keep up DP canon nearly this rigidly, so some other fun thoughts.

In Reality Trip, Freakshow acquires the Reality Gauntlet, and begins the summer (as this begins on a last day of school event I’d say probably even on the Solstice) of 2006 with a reality warping bang. Once he gets the gems, Freakshow transforms the whole world into his circus, until Danny tricks him and gets the glove back, fixing reality to exactly how it was before the change, wiping his identity from the memories of everyone save Tuck, Sam, & Jazz, and then destroyed the Reality Gauntlet in a single shot.

This, I imagine, would grab the attention of The Gods. That’s if the Pariah Dark situation didn’t register to them, even. Considering Percy is 13 at the time and due to deal with the Sea of Monsters situation, the Kane siblings haven’t been recruited yet (I think) and Magnus is still just a homeless kid in Boston, I dunno if anyone from New Rome would be sent but the Gods of various pantheons may investigate directly or through minor gods/spirits.

The House of Life certainly wouldn’t approve of the Ghost Portals, Vlad, or possibly even Danny. Hell, Luke might actually be sent to recruit Danny or Vlad to the Titan’s cause now that I think about it.

With the fact that Danny, Vlad, and Dan were destroying other timelines while smashing into them from sheer speed through the Spirit World during A Glitch In Time, I’d say Danny is at least a 6D being (existing in at least 4 dimensions of space and 2 of time.) If that doesn’t count him as a God, idk what would. Also during Infinite Realms, Vlad and Danny time travel to both ancient Rome during an event in the colosseum and ancient China at a monetary. If these are the same universe as Danny’s, then he and Vlad should have a myth or two regarding one another, which would also put them on the watch list for Olympus and the Bureaucracy of Heaven.

But hey, what do you think? I’m open to talk about this and wanna hear other people’s thoughts and opinions.

[chrisevansonly]

Block Out the Noise

pairing: harry styles x female reader

summary: sometimes you just need to listen to your song and love on your boyfriend to make the negative thoughts go away

warnings: mention of past abuse, talks of depression and suicidal thoughts, potentially triggering(?!) very soft and caring harry<3

a/n: i wanted to write something about matilda because it’s a song that I hold so close to my heart. from growing up in an abusive home and needing to take care of my brother from age 6 and up, when i heard matilda i knew it would be a song i’d cherish forever. this is a fic i hold close to my heart because i was that scared and small little girl who didn’t understand why i got anger taken out on me and why i had bruises when other kids didn’t. you’re not alone, you’ve got me in your corner and your stronger than you know, i hope my inner child knows that too<3

No one asks to be born into a world of chaos and fear, especially not when you’re a child. Wondering why your parents fought, the screaming matches, the subtle bruises you somehow ended up with because you ‘stood in the way.’ As a child you never knew what went wrong or what you did to be treated this way but you still tried your hardest regardless of the war zone you once called home.

you were riding your bike to the sound of its no big deal, and you’re trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels..

You taught yourself to read, to cook, to take care of yourself and your siblings. Going as far as to teach yourself to ride a bike and even drive, you raised yourself in a world where you wished you hadn’t needed to do that. When you got to high school the insults from your father got worse, the insecurity creeped in and you struggled with self worth and self harm.

nothing about the way that you were treated ever seemed especially alarming til now..

Then came college where you worked three jobs to pay your tuition and fought tooth and nail to get the best grades and work your absolute hardest to get your degree which you did all on your own. Mental illness and recovery was never linear and you battled some of your darkest days throughout college and even towards graduation when you met Harry.

so you tie up your hair and you smile like it’s no big deal

Harry was your world, he was the calm through the storm, the light that helped guide you through the tough times, he truly was your best friend. You’d been together now going on 5 years with no plans of ever separating from one another. He always told you that you provided just as much safety and comfort to him as he could to you.

you can let it go, you can throw a party full of everyone you know and not invite your family, cause they never showed you love, you don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up

-

Now you were 26 and worked at your dream job, your life was filled with so much love and so much joy sometimes you found yourself needing to take a step back and just breathe, reminding yourself your life was real. Of course you had your rough days, and after the meeting and scolding you’d gotten today, all you wanted was to get home and see Harry.

matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright, but I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside

When Harry had started working on the album, he’d told you he was writing one very special song he couldn’t wait to share with you. So on the day that he sat you down and let you listen to Matilda, by the second line you were looking over at him with tears in your eyes, bottom lip wobbling ever so slightly and he was quick to pull you into his chest.

You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days

When you arrived home you dropped your work things by the front closet, kicking your heels off and dropping your shoulders in exhaustion. Harry wasn’t home yet so you allowed yourself a few minutes to get some water, your headphones and settle on the couch with a fluffy blanket.

it’s none of my business but it’s just been on my mind

On natural instinct almost, you allowed the soft melody of matilda to play through your headphones, eyes closing as you sunk into the cushions. It wasn’t as if you were trying to cower from the overwhelming feelings you had in this moment, but more or less trying to let them flow and escape from your mind

you can let it go, you can throw a party full of everyone you know and not invite your family, cause they never showed you love, you don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up

You hadn’t even noticed the tears steadily falling down your cheeks, your breathing picking up slightly as you pulled the blanket up further, attempting to wrap yourself in more warmth. It wasn’t until you felt gentle fingertips dancing across your face that you opened your eyes, Harry looking at you in concern. Pausing the song you pulled your headphones off and sent him a soft smile

“Hey m’love…”

“Hi”

Lifting the blanket up you let him cuddle in next to you, the instant comfort you felt just from being wrapped up in his arms was enough to blow the stress and pain from the day away

“You okay y/n?”

Nodding you leaned further into him

“Just had a really bad day…got yelled at and it just made me think of old stuff and I don’t know…f-felt a bit sad”

Harry placed a soft kiss against your temple

“I’m sorry today was so tough, I know it was probably hard to remember what it was like growing up too..can’t blame you for feeling upset”

His hands ran up and down your arm softly, the constant touch helping to keep you grounded and in the present moment.

“You know what I think?”

Looking up at him you furrowed your brows

“What?”

Placing a kiss on your lips he smiled

“I think you are the most beautiful soul, inside and out. Despite everything you’re still here, fighting and working hard day in and day out. You don’t ever have to feel sorry or feel bad about doing everything you’ve done on your own, and allowing yourself to love and experience love despite it all”

“H…”

He was quick to swipe a tear from your cheek before continuing

“I love you so much, you’re my now and my future. Seeing you grow and flourish into the woman you are today has been a privilege to witness and support you through. I admire you so much m’baby, you’ve never let anyone dim your light and m’so lucky to get to love you”

Anything you would have said to him in this moment was caught in your throat, so wrapping your arms around him and holding him tight was enough for him in the moment. Harry was the moon and the stars to you, he was your whole universe and he’d been helping you heal since you’d been together. You’d done the hardest work on this journey, he had just been there to support and love you through it so he says.

“I love you so much H, thank you for letting me start a new family”

“I’ll always be your family, you’re safe with me my darling, always”

Matilda was a song that would forever have its hold on you, and it was even more special knowing Harry had wrote it thinking of you, including you in his album and one of his projects he really loved. The love he’d shown you and continues to show you had only helped you come out of your shell and finally feel as if you’d found your place and purpose in this world.

Harry was your home, just as you were his.

a/n if you or someone you know is struggling with abuse please reach out to someone you know, whether it be a friend, family member or adult you trust. I’d only wished i’d done so earlier, i’m here to help and support you guys in anyway I can. You are loved, you are cherished and you are worth it.

[petersbaby]

Library - Eddie Munson x Reader

Warnings: Slight perv!eddie, fingering, choking. This one is pretty tame

A/N: I wanted to remind everyone that I take donations/tips and the kofi is linked in my pinned post! Your girl is lowkey struggling right now and it would mean the world. Obviously you don’t have to, but it’s there if you’re feeling generous. <3

-

You had strict parents. That’s how you ended up here, tucked away in a corner of your local library after school with Eddie. You loved him, of course, you thought he was a good person when you put aside all the annoying shit he does.

Your parents, though, not so much. He’s pretty much a textbook “bad boy,” not the kind of person they would want you to be hanging out with. They only knew about him what they had heard; the rumors.

When Eddie asked you to help him with a class he was failing because it was your best subject, you couldn’t invite him over. This was the meeting point. You had agreed, because you really did want to see him graduate. And possibly because he smokes you out from time to time free of charge.

You had a nice little friendship going, it was just one that not many people were aware of. You kind of liked the privacy, but you knew it must feel shitty on his end because he gets judged and therefore so does whoever he associates with. The library wasn’t busy, it was surprisingly vacant.

You two sat together at a table, side by side, close. Chairs pulled up next to each other and all kinds of stuff scattered across the surface of the table. Notebooks, a textbook, printed sheets, flash cards, the whole nine yards. He was overwhelmed but trying to stay still and pay attention.

You read to him aloud from the textbook as if he were a child who couldn’t read, but all he could think about was how good you smelled and how pretty your eyelashes were and the holes in the jeans you wore.

You finished reading a paragraph.

“Okay, write that down. That’s 100% going to be on the test, so it’s important.”

You pick up the pencil and hand it to him, as the notebook with messily scrawled out notes sat in front of him. He just stares at it. He doesn’t even take the pencil.

“I uhh, I’m really sorry but I didn’t catch any of that. Could you read it again?”

You take a deep breath in and out, trying to be patient. He never could focus.

“I will, but listen this time. Seriously.”

“Okay, okay.” He nods, and you return to the book.

Your skin looked so soft, he could find out if it actually was as soft as it looked so easily. He could just reach down and touch your leg, so fucking easy.

This time, halfway through the passage, you check to make sure he’s not spacing out, and he is. Just this time, instead of his gaze staring into something off in the distance, it was on you.

You stop speaking and just look at him til he notices you stopped. It takes him a minute, but the lack of your voice in his ears brings him to look up at you, confused.

“What? Why’d you stop?”

“Because you don’t look like you’re listening to me.”

“I’m *totally* listening. You’re talking about the uh… the American revolution.”

“French. The French revolution.”

“Right, yeah, that’s what I meant.”

You sigh and put your hand on your face.

“You need to be on medication, eds, you have ADHD.”

“It’s not… listen, you just look… you look very pretty. Can’t stop looking at you.”

You have to fight off the smile that tries to spread across your face, ears and cheeks heating up.

“Thank you. But look at the book, not me.”

“UGH. I can’t. I need an ugly tutor, then I’d be able to concentrate.”

“Quit.” You say softly, squirming in your seat at the compliments he’s giving you. He makes you nervous, but in a good way. It’s hard to explain.

“I’ve got an idea. Okay?”

“Mhm.”

“You wanna kiss me?”

Now it was his turn to blush a little bit. He’s nervous now in that exact same way, same way as you. There was obviously some tension there in the friendship that you knew about and felt, you knew he had a thing for you, at least to some degree. Maybe you did for him, too. A little.

“Fuck yes.”

“Do your work, and you can. Only after.”

-

“Okay, I think I got everything done for today. Am I finished?” He asks, wanting to finally put the pencil down. His hand hurt.

“For today.” You emphasize. “You’re still really behind.”

He fixes his eyes on your soft lips, just wondering what they taste like. You catch this fascination.

“Alright,” you sigh, turning to face him, “go ahead.”

You had to act like this was an inconvenience for you, like it wasn’t EXACTLY what you wanted too. He places his right hand on your face, softly holding it and pressing his lips against yours, and it quite literally takes your breath away.

It lasts for what feels like forever, neither one of you pulling away. In fact, instead of pulling apart, you become even more intertwined.

You deepen the kiss, your hand coming up to caress his face as well. You focused on the way his stubble felt beneath your touch, and the way all you smelled was aftershave and smoke.

You take his bottom lip between your teeth, biting down on it just a little bit, pulling, then letting it fall back into place. Your tongue runs across it to both soothe the nip but to also request access into his mouth, which is immediately granted.

As the kiss-turned-make out session went on, his hand fell down to your neck, feeling the warm and sensitive skin there. He doesn’t know why, he doesn’t know why he feels the need to do this, but he experimentally wrap his big, rough hand around your throat.

No pressure, just placing it there. It was almost absentmindedly, and he didn’t think much of the gesture. You get annoyed by it, though, and place your hand over his, squeezing it for him.

“Fuck, you like that?” He mutters quietly.

“Shut up.” You kiss him again.

He squeezes the sides of your throat with just the right amount of intoxicating pressure while your tongues explore each other’s mouths.

‘Wait,’ you thought, and pulled away from him. You look all around the area, scanning for people. You forgot where you were, just for a minute there.

“There’s nobody here.” He whispers, assuring you after seeing your slightly panicked expression. You then look up at the ceiling.

“No cameras either. You think the town has enough money for all that shit?” He reads your mind, and you relax.

“Unbutton these jeans for me, yeah?”

You don’t know where this is going, but you oblige. Just something about him made you want to do everything he asked.

He kisses you again, hand trailing down your body til they dip into your pants. He rubs circles over your clit on top of your panties, and you gasp softly at the sudden feeling.

You tried your best to keep consistently kissing him back and hold it together, but then his hand finds it’s way into your panties too.

“Holy shit.” He comments, simply, to himself and against your lips.

You can guess that you’re probably embarrassingly wet and that that is what he’s just discovered. He easily slips in his middle finger, effortlessly, and you gasp.

You also spread your legs to make it a bit easier for him. This was so gross, so illegal, but so good. You couldn’t stop even if you wanted to.

Your tongues dance together, occasionally fighting for dominance, lips both covered in saliva from one another. He gently pushes his one finger in and out of you, trying not to get too eager and overwhelm you.

But once you started seemingly trying to grind against his hand, he adds in another digit. You pant against his lips as he curls them inside you, as deep as the can go, scissoring them against your walls.

“Oh, god, Eddie,” you say in a whisper, more of a quiet whine than anything.

“Shhh.” He soothes, covering your mouth with his own, not letting up. In fact, they got faster, his thick calloused fingers.

You were gonna cum. You were gonna cum? In the library, with people in the building? Yeah, you had to. It was unavoidable and you weren’t able and didn’t have the time to say anything, but he could tell by the way you clenched around him and the way you were struggling to kiss him back.

“Yeah? Just be quiet.” He whispers.

You just nod your head breathlessly. When it hits you, it really hits you, and if you were alone you would absolutely scream. You can’t, and you know that, so your first idea is to cover your hand over your own mouth tightly to stifle any noise.

“Good girl, that’s a good girl.” He continues to whisper as you ride it out.

You take your hand away, trying to catch your breath and breathe like a normal person again. He removes his hand too, and you quickly go to zip and button your jeans again, straightening yourself out.

“Jesus Christ.” You half-chuckle, in disbelief at how far things went.

“To thank you. For helping me.” He explains.

“And maybe to convince you to do it again tomorrow? I know I’m hard to teach but I promise I’ll behave.”

“Of course.” You say, as if it were a given.

“You’re a really sweet girl, you know that?” He smiles.

“Whatever.” You jokingly roll your eyes, smiling a little too. You getting up to collect all your things, and he helps you put the stuff into your backpack.

[cinnabunhwa]

i just recently read your ateez fic and i loved it! i saw that you were ok with writing for the boyz, so is it ok for me to request a sangyeon one? this recent comeback has got me on a chokehold i’m afraid and he’s not even my bias to begin with lol ;_; but if you could write a summery fic for him i would be thrilled! <3

Say All I Want Is You

pairing: sangyeon x gn!reader

genre: fluff, childhood friends to lovers

summary: you're on summer break from university and decided to go home. reunited with your brother jacob and his best friend sangyeon, you make some plans to go to the beach. you grew up with the two of them and have so many memories together, could one day change that?

warnings: slight suggestiveness (reader checks out sangyeon), use of "little one" as a term of endearment

words: 1.849k

masterlist | taglist

tags: @kflixnet

“Aaaand that’s the last of it,” Sangyeon huffed, placing down the heavy bags you brought home.

“Why are you acting like you carried the sun?” You laughed, playfully smacking his arm.

He fell to the floor with a thud and wailed dramatically, “MY ARM IS FALLING OFF WOE IS ME WHATEVER WILL I DOOOoo OW-“

“Can your arm maybe fall off when you’re not in the middle of the doorway? It’s seriously too hot for this.” Jacob asked, nudging Sangyeon with his leg while he stepped over him.

Grinning, Sangyeon flew to his feet and he and Jacob began bickering as they usually did. Giggling to yourself you brought your bags the rest of the way in, placing them down in your childhood room. It was your last summer break before you graduated with your degree and you decided to spend this one back at home since you were thinking about applying to jobs in other cities. Other people suggested doing internships, but you had been doing them since you began your undergraduate studies. One summer to yourself before another major life change wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Looking around the room there was evidence of the three of you hanging out. It was always Sangyeon, the boy who lived across the street, Jacob, and you, Jacob’s younger sibling. No matter where they went, you were sure to follow. As you walked through your childhood room you couldn’t help but be amazed at how many memories had been laid out by your parents before they went on their cruise. So many years of the dumbest things: mainly you all getting into trouble.

“Ah! I never thought I’d see that mud picture again,” Sangyeon said, startling you.

“Sorry,” Jacob smiled sympathetically, “I could only take so much of his jokes.”

Sangyeon offered you a wink and you caught on.

“Well that’s not the only thing you mmFH-“ your brother’s hand was over your mouth silencing you immediately, but it was too late.

“Whaaat is that what happened with that one-“ Sangyeon laughed before Jacob was covering his mouth next.

“Whoa Cobie I don’t know if I’m the right person for this move,” Sangyeon joked after removing Jacob’s hand from his mouth.

During their playfight Jacob had accidentally covered Sangyeon’s mouth as his back hit the wall. Rolling his eyes, Jacob removed his hand.

“Love you guys, but I really need to unpack and I don’t want to be part of,” you gestured to them, “whatever is happening here.”

“Alright, alright,” ruffling your hair, Jacob nodded at the door and began to leave your room.

“We still on for tomorrow?” Sangyeon asked.

“What’s happening tomorrow?” You questioned, never one to be left out of their plans even if you had literally just gotten back.

“We’re going paddle boarding! I was going to ask if you wanted to come with at dinner,” Jacob replied.

Nodding, you gave them a thumbs up before turning back to your bags full of clothes. As they left you couldn’t help but smile to yourself. This is going to be a great summer.

--

You wake to sounds of rummaging coming from across the hall. Looking at the time, it was 9am and the paddle boarding trip wasn’t until 11 so there was no reason for the rummaging to be so frantic. Sleepily you walked over to Jacob’s room, knocking loud enough for him to hear.

“Everything ok in there?”

A thud hits the door before Jacob appears before you in his work clothes grimacing.

“That’s a weird paddle board suit but I’ll give you a C for the effort,” you mused.

“The boss called me in today,” Jacob said, pushing past you to put his shoes on, “she said that we had a meeting that needed everyone present but forgot to tell me when approving the day off.”

You crossed your arms at this news; your brother’s boss was known for doing this often (at least that’s what Sangyeon told you). He hadn’t been able to hang out much and he requested in advance that he had this day off to spend with you since you were finally in town again, but unfortunately it was a meeting with the upper bosses. Definitely one that couldn’t be missed.

“So what am I supposed to tell Sangyeon?” You frowned, it was only your second day back and you were already going to be the bearer of less than optimal news.

“Tell him I’m so sorry and that Angela forgot that today had an important meeting I couldn’t miss,” he said while ruffling your bedhead.

Swatting at him you gestured towards the front door, “go on, being late is the last thing you’d need after all that.”

“I’ll make it up to you two, I swear,” Jacob said, and you believed him. Jacob always did his best to keep his word and was someone that you knew you could always rely on in troubling times.

Your eyes followed his car out of the driveway, sighing a bit before they landed on a figure who was walking your way. Sangyeon scratched his head as he watched the car pull off before crossing the street to get to you.

“Please don’t tell me-“ he started.

“Angela forgot about an important meeting and he had to go,” you reiterated, frowning slightly. “He said he’d make it up to us, so maybe we should wait for him before we-“

“No way, we should definitely still go,” Sangyeon said, “I already got all my paddle boarding things out and it’s been forever since I’ve seen you..”

He whispered the last part, but it had caught your ear. You had always been fond of Sangyeon. He had been a constant in your life for so long, and the way he was pouting as he looked at you just made you want to wipe it off his face.

“Okay,” you smiled, “but I get the red board.”

“Fiiiiine,” he said with a smile.

“And ice cream”

“Okay now you’re pushing it,” he joked, shoving you with his shoulder.

--

As you both headed to the beach, the topics were overflowing. What you’ve been up to, what your friends were like, if there were any clubs you’d joined other than the ones you were already part of. It struck you as a bit odd since you thought he would have known the answers to these questions but you tell him anyway. He just really enjoys seeing the sparkle in your eyes when you talk about the things you like and he wished, no, hoped that you talked about him like that when your friends talk about home.

Growing up across the street from you was one of the best and worst things that happened to him. One of the best because he never had to look far if he ever missed you, but one of the worst because he fell for his best friend’s sibling and they had no idea. But Jacob wasn’t blind, and he could definitely see the way Sangyeon would quietly care for you when you weren’t paying attention. Adding food to your plate when you would serve everyone else, always making sure you got the comfy seats when the three of you would hang out, suggesting places he knew you’d love because it’s like he had a list in his brain, but most of all he could see the way he hung onto your words, even when he was trying to hide it. Sangyeon always made sure that you felt heard, and that your opinion had weight. Jacob wasn’t sure if you noticed it and didn’t say anything for his sake, but he felt that maybe this meeting was a blessing in disguise.

--

“YA,” you shouted, blocking the wave created by Sangyeon’s paddle with your hands.

Smirking, he began to paddle away, seated comfortably with his legs hanging on either side of the board. You were laying belly down, and he had argued that today was a day for paddle boarding, not for surfing, but you couldn’t be bothered to move. But Sangyeon knew just how to rile you up. He paddled himself in slow circles around you, “accidentally” splashing you with the full force of his paddle, but “I’m just trying to paddleboard here!”

You glared at him, “oh yeah? We should try it standing up. Last one standing has to buy the ice cream.”

You were not giving up on the ice cream.

“If you think you can handle it, let’s go little one,” he said, overconfident and underestimating the power of ice cream.

Sitting up on your board, you slowly get to your feet. It’s a bit shaky considering while you were in school you didn’t have time to surf much less paddleboard, but you find a way. After being firmly planted and balanced, you looked up to acknowledge your childhood friend but what you saw nearly made you fall over and lose immediately. Out of his own sheer determination to win, Sangyeon removed his swim shirt, and began to stand. You shook your head, determined to focus on balancing and definitely not your best friend who looked like he did nothing but work out seven days a week and probably twice a day some days.

“Oh? Don’t mind me, it was just getting hot out here under all this sun,” he grinned, watching you attempt to school your expression.

You snapped your head down to your paddle and after a few seconds of deliberation began to paddle toward him.

“Yknow I knew you missed me but, wait no you can’t that’s-“

You jumped directly on him, his body breaking the water followed by yours. Instead of holding on, you kicked your legs in order to reach the surface faster. You were laughing so hard your lungs hurt. The incredulous look on his face paired with seeing his larger form try so hard to use his little paddle to get away was too much for you to handle. You held onto his board and laid your head on it, trying to catch your breath before he surfaced. You always felt like a kid around him. He brought out a piece of you that allowed your inner child to shine and be happy. You knew in life you would always have your brother, but along with him, you would always have your Sangyeon. The waves shifted, and you felt two arms cage your form.

“That was SUCH a cheap move,” he whispered, his breath fanning your ear. He wasn’t touching you, but the proximity was making your head spin. He rested his chin on your left shoulder, feigning a pout.

Drawing in a shaky breath to steady yourself, you turned to face him.

“There weren’t any rules, so I guess you’re buying ice cream,” you teased, sticking your tongue out at him just like when you were kids.

He chuckled lowly, absolutely able to see that he was affecting you just as much as you affected him.

“On one condition”

“Depends”

“It’s a date”

a/n: WHEW this was brewing in my brain all week but I wasn't able to get to my laptop much. i made sangyeon a bit goofier here but i feel like his cute goofy side does shine when he's with less people or even just that one person he's got his eye on ;) i hope i did him some justice 💗 thank you so much for loving the ateez fic, i hope u have a wonderful day ^^

--

creds: divider 1, divider 2

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[cornsobsessions]

It's the end of 2022 so here are my favorite fics that I read this year! These weren't all written in 2022, in fact many of them were not, but I did read all of them this year. 

They cover a wide range of ratings and topics so please read any of the writers tags and content warnings before reading. a * means you need to be logged in to ao3 to read. 

Anything in Italics is my thoughts.

1. consider the hairpin turn (do not choose sides yet) by jjcofeesa (@30samwiches) zimbits, holsom, shardo, pimms | 50k You are not in a car with a beautiful boy. You are in a car next to a beautiful boy. And in a car behind your ex. And in a car ahead of your best friend. If you're Jack Zimmermann, current World Driver's Champion, that is. If you're Eric Bittle, you're too nervous about your rookie season to be thinking about what the boys in the other cars look like. (You tell yourself you're too nervous, anyway. You do think about it.) If you're on Twitter, well. They're all beautiful boys, and you wish you could be in the car with them. I don't know when this became a comfort fic for me but I have read it several times now and it has been wonderful every single time

2. action painting, abstract in the making by unconventionalturtle (@watermelonmountaindew) zimbits | 35k A stolen painting. A forged painting. A mysterious blonde. That's how it all begins.Jack Zimmermann thinks he’s set himself up for a nice, simple life when he quits playing hockey and gets started on his degree. But for the grad student, and night shift security guard, the summer of 2015 seems to have other plans. A fun story about the gang and you get to learn about some cool paintings along the way!

3. Defining Expectations by cricketnationrise (@cricketnationrise) nurseydex | 32k When Will joins the team at Samwell Dictionary, he doesn't know what to expect about anything other than his job description. With the help of good friends (and good pie) he might just have a shot at defining his expectations.

4. Got Your Back Means I'll Get You Out by cricketnationrise (@cricketnationrise) bitty and shitty | 17k Bitty Comes Out. Shitty Comes To Get Him. heartbreaking, wholesome, and full of platonic love

5. getting used to letting go by jennycaakes nurseydex, farmer | 37k Dex was supposed to have a fancy job in some city upon graduation, but his plans changed once his uncle died and left the family home in Maine to him. Without immediate obligations of their own, Nursey, Chowder and Farmer follow Dex up there to help him clear it out and clean it up. The way this feels so true to life is insane

6. I Don't Know What I Would Do by specklesandflowers jack and shitty | 57k The adventures of first-year Shitty Knight and Jack Zimmermann and the beauty that is their friendship I love Jack and Shitty’s friendship so much and this was so fun to read

7. The Gay Favour by FightMeImSmall nurseydex | 43k “I need a favour.” Will said intensely to the group of people assembled before him. “Okay so last year my brothers were ragging me about going to a liberal arts college and just generally being dicks. Sibling stuff, and like, that was fine. But then Christopher was like ‘found yourself a boyfriend yet?’ like as a joke and I’d had it up to here with their shit and replied, ‘so what if I have?’ So now my family think I’m gay and expect me to bring a boyfriend to this big ole reunion. If I don’t bring one they’re just going to get worse.” His friends all blinked at him, surprise evident in each of their faces. “I’ll do it.” Nursey said slowly The OCs are amazing and it was just so fun to read

8. Breathe With No Air by bluflamingo parswoops | 25k After Jack kisses Bitty on the ice, Kent's attacked one night by drunk, homophobic hockey fans. He's got no memory of the attack, but that doesn't make it any less traumatic. Fortunately, he's got his friends to get him through, in more ways than one. Pain but its also so beautiful

9. got the feeling you're the right thing after all by bisexualnursey nurseydex | 74k Two and a half years after he breaks up with Dex to go to grad school across the country, Nursey runs into him again when he visits New York for the holidays. What starts as them just rekindling their friendship quickly turns into a whole other thing: a 100% no-strings-attached friends with benefits arrangement while they’re in the same city. Which is totally chill because Nursey is definitely over Dex. He swears. He’s going back to California soon anyway.

10. (simply having) a WTF christmas time by loud_as_lions * whiskeytango, wtf | 17k All the Ford siblings are home for the holidays. Denice’s brothers are more than a little surprised when their sister brings not one, but two men home for Christmas. Logically, they assume she’s dating one of them. Which one, though? Just so much love can be felt and the OCs are wonderful

11. write our names in the wet concrete by MyCupOfTea zimbits | 20k “Oh my God, has it? Been ten years already?” The Olympics are never without their fair share of drama, scandal, and movie worthy storylines. However, the 2018 Winter Olympics remains burned into the sports world’s memory especially bright. And the sports world, despite their somewhat recent retirement, includes Eric Bittle and Jack Zimmermann. I love the way this is written

12. I've been waiting for a lifetime, for a moment just like this. by pandabob parswoops | 25k It's Jeff's last Christmas hospital visit before he retires so Kent is determined to make sure that he visits everyone, little does he know that this visit will change their lives forever.Heart wrenching and beautiful

13. Your heart hurts, mine does too by the_p_in_raspberry zimbits | 19k Shitty had always thought that because of Samwell’s LGBTQ+ friendly rumor, if one of his teammates weren’t straight they would come out eventually, only waiting because they weren’t ready yet, but never waiting because they were scared. He could see now how his logic was flawed. heartbreaking and heartwarming, all at the same time

14. From the Ground Up by Rianne kent/omc | 167k Kent has a pretty good life. It’s been a couple years since the Aces last won a cup, but he’s still at the height of his career. He has an apartment with a stunning view over Vegas, a best friend who’s always dragging him to basketball games, a cat to cuddle with, and more money than he could ever spend. Everything is fine. So it won’t be a problem at all if he strikes up a friendship with that guy he meets at the All-Star party. ---- Tomas enjoyed the years he spent in Minnesota, but he’s ready for a new life in a different city. It means he’ll be even further from his friends and family in Quebec, and he’s not sure he’s going to adapt well to the desert. But he’ll have his new job to distract him, and he’s never minded the challenge of developing a new circle of friends and acquaintances. He doesn’t expect Kent Parson to be part of that.

15. mon pays by weneedtotalkaboutsherlock (@weneedtotalkaboutfic) zimbits, shardo, farmer, zimmerparents | 41k He didn't suggest they come to the cabin because he misses home, not really. At first, it was a senior thing between Shitty and him, one last weekend together before their final semester at Samwell, before graduation, before their lives inevitably change and diverge in ways Jack doesn't want to think about too much. Shitty suggested that Lardo and Bitty should tag along, and Jack agreed. Having them at the cabin… it was a good thought. He'd have them for his own, for a few days. But then, four became six, when Holster and Ransom heard about their plans, and cherry on top, the Frogs tagged along as well after that. So much for a quiet weekend between friends. snow filled shenanigans

16. four calling birds by wit (@parvuls) zimbits, shardo | 11k "You are now listening to Shits and Bits on Hub 98FM!" In which four radio hosts and one medical emergency result in Jack and Bitty co-hosting a show the night before Christmas Eve.

17. Friend Request by WrathoftheStag (@wrathofthestag) zimbits, shardo, nurseydex, fordtango | 26k When Eric Bittle was 18, he made out with 20-year-old hockey player, Jack Zimmermann, at an Olympic after-party. 25 years later, an unexpected friend request from Jack throws Eric for a loop. What’s a guy to do?

18. Time and Hearts by rickysims katyageorge, zimbits | 16k In 2002, a figure skater from Russia and a hockey player from Canada met at the Olympics. They fell in love. Jack and Bitty know that part. What they don’t know is what happened next and why Katya and George might not want to rekindle flame that went out 20 years ago.

19. Becoming Lardo by loud_as_lions * shardo | 9k Larissa was different with these boys than she was with anyone else. She had always thought that all the talk about finding yourself in college was bullshit, but these boys were making her wonder just how much of what she had previously believed might be changed by this place. An absolutely wonderful lardo character study

20. Like Our Own Private Island by imafriendlydalek * zimbits, shardo | 85kAfter Eric loses his spot on the SMH team and Lardo graduates, they're both left floundering with few options. So when the opportunity comes up to manage a cafe on a remote island in Quebec, it seems like as good a place as any to figure out their next steps in life. Even if it does mean he'll need to brush up on his French. The last thing Eric expects to find in a place like this, reachable only by ship in the warmer months or tiny little tin-can airplanes, is a town full of people who welcome them like family. Well, everyone except one: the enigmatic, irresistible Jacques Laurent.

21. Eric Bittle, NBC 10 by foryouandbits zimbits | 82k In 2009, Jack Zimmermann was drafted 2nd overall to the Providence Falconers. After a tumultuous first season in the minors, Jack returns to the NHL and is named captain within a year. Known to the media as the "hockey robot," no one seems to be able to break through the polite barrier that Jack has built — no one until Eric Bittle, newest intern at NBC 10. Bitty, interning as a requirement for his journalism degree at nearby Samwell University, forms an instant connection with Jack. Throughout the rest of the season, and the rest of Bitty's junior year at Samwell, the two grow closer while learning how to both trust each other and succeed in their respective careers. A fun alternate meeting AU

22. thinking outrageously (I write in cursive) by bumblegremlin (@bittysthesis) pimms, zimbits | 15k Jack was glad Bitty wanted a long engagement. It gave him time to address the very large, very pressing issue at hand. Eric Bittle was Jack Zimmermann’s fiancé. Kent Parson was Jack Zimmermann’s husband. A fun and funny fic in which Kent is a little shit and so is Jack

I read so many awesome fics this year and like last year making this list was very difficult! I can't wait to see what all you write in the future (or have written in the past) that I will get to read!

[ausetkmt]

A physician explores the obstacles keeping Black people out of medicine

When Dr. Uché Blackstock and her twin sister graduated from Harvard Medical School in 2005, they became the school’s first Black mother-daughter legacies. Their mother had received her medical degree three decades before and had an enormous influence over Blackstock’s career ambitions.

“She was a leader of a black woman physician group in Brooklyn. And so for many years, I thought that most physicians were Black women,” Blackstock said in an interview with “Marketplace” host Kai Ryssdal. “Until I got to college and medical school, and I realized that we actually are only about less than 3% of all physicians.”

From an early age, my twin sister, Oni, and I loved to play with our mother’s doctor’s bag. It was an old-school, heavy black leather bag, worn and cracked around the edges, that snapped open from the top to reveal the medical instruments inside. Her full name was written in faded golden uppercase letters across one side of the bag, followed by “M.D.” The bag lived in her bedroom, under her bureau. As children, we were always getting into her business, whether it was looking through old papers and photographs in the small file cabinet in her room or pulling out shoes and scarves from her closet. We knew that the medical bag was important to her, so that made it important to us.

Whenever we could, we snuck up into her room, emptying out the contents of the bag on the floor: her stethoscope, with its long rubber tubing, the little hammer to test reflexes, the otoscope for ear exams, the ophthalmoscope for looking at the eyes. Then we’d sit and play doctor together. I’d listen to the thump, thump, thump of my sister’s heart with the stethoscope in my ears or I’d hop up onto the bed so Oni could hit just under my knee with the reflex hammer, making my leg flip up quickly. If our mother came in and found us mid-game, she would smile warmly. She was a petite woman who wore her hair natural and in a small Afro.

“Girls, please be careful with those. They’re all quite delicate,” she warned us.

Except for the stethoscope, I didn’t know any of the names of the precious contents of the bag, but I understood these were the tools of our mother’s trade. By the time my sister and I got to Harvard Medical School, the instruments were as familiar to us as the forks and spoons in our kitchen.

The children’s advocate Marian Wright Edelman once famously pointed out, “You can’t be what you can’t see.” Growing up in Brooklyn in the 1980s and ’90s, we saw Black women who were physicians all around us. Our mother practiced medicine at Kings County Hospital Center and its state affiliate, SUNY Downstate Health Sciences University, not far from our home in central Brooklyn. Our own pediatrician, Dr. June Mulvaney, was a Black woman. We loved going to see Dr. Mulvaney, even if vaccinations were involved, because she was a bespectacled, kind older woman with soft hands and an even softer smile, who was a good friend of our mother’s. Another Black physician, Dr. Mildred Clarke, an obstetrician-gynecologist, lived on our block. We would often see Dr. Clarke while out running errands, stopping to chat about the most recent neighborhood news. Our mother was the president of an organization of local Black women physicians that included Dr. Clarke and Dr. Mulvaney. They were all very put-together, fiercely intelligent women who held themselves with pride and devoted their little spare time educating their community through holding events like local health fairs.

From the day she gave birth to us at Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital in the Washington Heights section of Manhattan, our mother was determined that my sister and I should have every opportunity she had lacked. We grew up in the home our family owned on St. Mark’s Avenue in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. Back then, Crown Heights was a bustling neighborhood that was home to many middle-class and working-class families, a uniquely Brooklyn mix of Black Americans and immigrants from the Caribbean like our father, Earl Blackstock, who was born in Jamaica. Our mother was constantly reading to us as small children, bringing us to the library for story time or taking us on educational adventures in Prospect Park and the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. When we got older and entered grade school, she was the kind of mother who didn’t hesitate to give us extra assignments if she felt our teachers weren’t assigning enough challenging work. If we had friends over for sleepovers, she’d cue up the movie and popcorn, and when the movie was over, she’d announce it was time to do our math worksheets. Our friends, who also had to do the worksheets, didn’t seem to mind too much—somehow, she made it all seem like part of the fun. Saturdays were for a host of extracurricular activities: violin lessons, music theory, modern dance, and gymnastics. I can still picture her, leaning against the sink in our old kitchen, scouring the newspaper for educational activities while we were on vacation from school. Her goal was to keep us stimulated—always. Much to our dismay, we were rarely allowed to watch television. On weekends and holidays, we went to the most popular NYC museums, the United Nations, science exhibits, with our mother narrating, explaining, pointing things out as we went along. Even a walk around our neighborhood was an educational adventure, with her perusing her pocket-size book on flowers and pointing out the different types in our neighbors’ front yards.

“Girls, come over here. Look at these gorgeous azaleas,” she’d say to us, bending down to touch the flowers lightly with her slender fingers. “They bloom only in the springtime,” she’d continue as we peered over her shoulders.

Looking back, I think she understood that this world was going to be tough on us and she needed to make sure we were fully prepared, but also that we experienced moments of joy.

For our mother, science was part of that joy. Once we went to a science exhibit where there was a real cow’s eyeball on display so that kids could pick it up and see how an eye worked. At first, my sister and I recoiled from touching the large white eye with its spidery blood vessels, but our mother persuaded us to cradle the strange object in our hands, then she leaned in close and explained the mechanisms of the eye to us in great detail. What had scared us a few moments before became a way to introduce us to the wonder of sight.

When summer came around, she signed us up for science programs, including one at her hospital, where she taught some of our sessions. Her specialty was nephrology, the study of the kidneys, and I have a clear memory of sitting in class at age twelve, with a small group of other students, watching her standing in front of the chalkboard, wearing her long white coat over her small frame. I felt so proud to have her up in front of the room teaching a classroom of my peers.

As she took a big piece of white chalk, she asked us, “Did you know that the kidney is one of the most sophisticated organs in our bodies?”

She drew a long looping shape on the board, exclaiming, “And this is the nephron, the smallest unit of the kidney! It’s a powerhouse.”

I remember her pulling a cylinder-shaped filter from a dialysis machine, to show us how it processed the blood from patients. She explained to us, in easy-to-understand terms, how this plain looking filter saved lives. It was in that moment, sitting in that classroom as a twelve-year-old on a hot summer day, that I realized the power of my mother’s work—to heal, to repair, to care. To be the difference between someone living and dying. I felt in awe of her.

I later learned that our mother chose her specialty, nephrology, because it’s one of the most difficult specialties in medicine—the kidneys are incredibly complex organs, and she loved a challenge. But I believe she also went into the field because kidney disease disproportionately affects Black people, and she wanted to help in some way. Because poorly controlled blood pressure and blood sugar negatively impact the kidney’s function, many of her patients also had these conditions, which were the result of lack of access to quality care and the chronic pressure of living with racism and other structural inequities. In her work, my mother was determined to address these entrenched health problems to the utmost of her abilities.

It wasn’t only patients who benefited from her time and attention. Black medical students and junior faculty at Downstate sought her out for inspiration and advice and she became a mentor to a generation of Brooklyn physicians, even inspiring those in health care who weren’t physicians, but physician assistants, nurses, and social workers. Many years later, as an adult, I ran into a former student of my mother’s at a medical conference in the city. We made eye contact across the room, and she smiled and made her way toward me, later saying that she had recognized me because I looked so much like my mother. She immediately introduced herself, hugged me tightly, and told me that when she was a third-year medical student doing her clinical clerkship, she had gone to see my mother and confessed how nervous she felt about presenting patient cases. She had explained how she was immobilized with fear and anxiety when it came her turn to describe the patient’s medical history and plan for treatment to the team. From then on, my mother met with her every morning, before the start of the day, so they could practice her oral presentations together. This wasn’t part of my mother’s role or responsibility at Downstate—she wasn’t even on the woman’s team. But my mother knew how it felt to be a student looking for that kind of support, and so she became the mentor she wished she’d had. Today, that student is the associate dean in the Office of Diversity Education and Research at a New York City medical school.

Our mother was tireless in her work ethic. Even after she left the hospital, her work wasn’t done. Back then, she was president of the Susan Smith McKinney Steward Medical Society, a local organization of Black women physicians named after the third Black woman to obtain a medical degree in the US and the first in New York state. During the society’s regular meetings, Oni and I would sit in the back of a large conference room, doing our homework, whispering, or passing silly notes back and forth, as my mother and her colleagues handled their serious business. They spent considerable time planning community health fairs, where they would dispense information about diabetes, high blood pressure, and other health issues rampant in our community. At the fairs, they would take people’s vital signs, recommend follow-up services, and counsel neighbors about healthy diet and exercise. Our mother and the other women in her organization were our role models. They worked, they raised children, they took care of their households, and they gave back to their communities.

I don’t think it ever occurred to Oni and me to do anything else with our lives but to follow in their footsteps.

From Legacy by Uché Blackstock, MD, published by Viking, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House, LLC. Copyright © 2024 by Uché Blackstock, MD.

[folliesofmiceandmen]

if you’re hearing CONTROL FREAK BY NEW MEDICINE playing, you have to know DURI PARK (SHE/THEY; GENDERFLUID) is near by! the 29 year old OWNER OF BELLA’S BOOKS has been in town for, like, THREE YEARS. they’re known to be quite WITHDRAWN, but being HELPFUL seems to balance that out. or maybe it’s the fact that they resemble HAN SOHEE. personally, i’d love to know more about them seeing as how they’ve got those HAVING A BEDTIME, LOVING SPLATTER MOVIES, A DRY SENSE OF HUMOR, THE SMELL OF OLD BOOKS, CARDIGAN SWEATERS  vibes. and maybe i’ll get my chance if i hang out around BRIGHTSIDE long enough!

(TW for parental death under the cut)

name: duri park age: 29 d.o.b. & sign: july 3, cancer occupation: owner of bella's books hometown: las vegas, nevada gender identity & sexuality: genderfluid & pansexual relationship status: single

+3 likes: iced coffee, books, candles that smell like rain +3: dislikes: loud noises, ripped paper, total darkness

duri grew up in las vegas, in a crappy apartment with her dad, after her mom had left them for more money. her father worked as a dealer in a casino on the strip, and duri grew up around bright lights in a big city that didn't sleep as much as it should have. she loved the color and the lights, but hated the noise, finding solace in the quiet corner of her apartment with one of her favorite books.

school seemed like duri's great escape, and her face was buried in her books from the moment she started until the day she graduated (a year early, much to her father's great pride), and took off for college, at washington state. far enough away that it actually felt like going away to college, close enough that she could still visit that crappy apartment her dad lived in. it certainly helped her friendship circle grow when people found out she was from vegas and wanted to visit home with her.

she had nearly finished her bachelors when she got the call that made her lose herself. her father was gone, it was a random thing, no one could say what had really happened in the chaos. her professors were understanding when she withdrew in class and she was allowed to sit out the rest of the year, and finish after six months of therapy and a rededication to school, missing both spring and summer break to get those last credits. no one was there when she walked the stage at graduation, and that was a whole new empty place in her chest.

she was lucky, her father had life insurance, and she was the only one there to collect it, but that money sat locked in a savings account she never touched, working her way through her masters program and then her graduate, finishing them both in record time by simply giving up free time and friends. the idea of going back to vegas ever again made her sick, though it was the only place she really knew, and it seemed like a lost cause, until someone mentioned a bookstore in their hometown. duri, with her love of books and her degree in library sciences, made the decision to pick up and move without much more thought.

she was simply going to hemlock springs to try and apply for a job at bella's books, she hadn't expected it to be outright for sale. she asked around, and found that, with her father's insurance payout and a little more on top, the place could be hers, and it was on that whim that she bought the place, and made it her new root to start over.

[thoselethalarts]

ℙ𝕙𝕠𝕓𝕠𝕤 𝔹𝕒𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕣 - ℙ𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝 𝕊𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕪

(SSR) Birthday Suit Up (Part 3): “Happy Birthday!”

(Ignihyde Dorm: Birthday Venue)

“Have you heard from your family?”

Phobos: Family? Well… no. Not that I have anyone to hear from, anyway.

“What do you mean?”

Phobos: I don’t have any family. Not anyone I’m still in touch with, anyway. Phobos: I haven’t had anyone like that in my life for… maybe around four or five years now.

“Oh… my condolences.”

Phobos: It’s fine. I’m not bothered by it. It’s a natural question to ask, anyway.

“Could you tell us about what your family was like?”

Phobos: Hm… Well, the only person I think I’d ever be able to call my family was my previous “caretaker”, as it were.

Phobos: His name was Theodore Banner. A twenty-something that adopted me when my parents were no longer in the picture. Phobos: He was a typical guy. Worked and lost multiple dead-end jobs, ordered lots of takeout, played video games and watched mind-numbing amounts of TV, cycled through girlfriends faster than he changed socks. You get the drift. Phobos: I lived with him in his apartment through my youth. He was kind of annoying, all things considered. Fed me almost the same thing every day, these bland and soggy meals from a can… Would never let me eat the same thing he did. Phobos: He gave me this stupid little nickname, too… ugh. The first thing I did after I left was leave that behind. Phobos: I resented him for all that… still do to some degree. But he wasn’t a bad person, I guess. Just annoying.

“What happened to him?”

Phobos: Well… let’s just say that when my magic first started to develop, he got a little too excited about it. Phobos: He thought my powers were astounding, and all he wanted to parade me around like some kind of show pony to all his friends and fickle lovers. It was humiliating. Phobos: Not to mention even though I was then seemingly more attractive to him as a newfound magical being, he still refused to change my meals to something better. Can you believe that shit? Phobos: When I realized I was strong enough and smart enough to take care of myself and live on my own… I decided it was time to cut ties with him. Phobos: So that’s what I did. I cut my ties with him. Phobos: Since then I’ve been bouncing from place to place, finding little niches of my own. Phobos: Everyone I tell that to thinks it’s a depressing way to live, but honestly I’m quite content. Living in one place for too long makes me feel too trapped and confined. Phobos: Moving around feels good. It feels freeing. For now I’m here at NRC, and I live in the dorms, but when I graduate I’ll just keep moving unless I find something worthwhile to make a home.

“Do you have any plans for the future?”

Phobos: Work on building my brand online and finding some stable customers, mostly. Phobos: There’s a big market out there for my current career. People want people like me, that will do the dirty work for them with no questions asked and money up front. All I have to do is get my name out in the right circles and I’ll be set. Phobos: Other than that, I’m just going to keep living the way I’ve been living: taking it day by day and seeing where life takes me.

“Thank you for your time, and happy birthday again!”

/ End

[harrison-abbott]

On my graduation day from my masters degree in journalism I was already a bit mucked off for various reasons. I only went to the ceremony because my father wanted to witness it. The gown and the regalia shit – the black stuff that they get you to wear – all cost £83, for one day’s hire. I wasn’t working a full time job at this point and didn’t have much money; and I said to my father that this was the case, but he didn’t take the hint, and so I was going up to this northern city to a ceremony that I didn’t want to go to.

The hat that they gave me in the regalia box of clothes didn’t fit on my head. So I’d spent all this money on the garb, and they gave me the wrong hat. It was too small and so I had to balance it on my head.

When my Dad met me outside of the ballroom the first thing he said was “Oh, you could have had a shave. You could have bought some new shoes.” I’d already shaved that morning. My facial hair tends to grow quite fast … And my shoes were just normal black shoes. Father insisted on taking a photo of me. I said to him, “Okay. But please could you not send a photo to the family – because I don’t want any photos of me up on social media.” He said that was fine, and took some snaps, as I was balancing the hat on my head.

After the photos, I got a flurry of messages from various family members. Congratulations and so on. My elder brother Brodie congratulated me too. I said to him, “Thank you. But, just by the by: if Dad sends you a photo of me in my gown, could you please not put the image up on social media. Because for various reasons I don’t want images up on public. Thanks.”

I attended the ceremony, with the students in the former rows and the watchers, including father, in the background. The reason why I was queasy about the entire event was because I didn’t get the grade that I deserved. My grade average across all units in the course had been at the upper B level. (I was only 3 points off an A.) And yet they gave me a C because I had gotten a poor grade in one of the law essays I did. Out of all of the course material that I had submitted it was literally only that one essay that had blemished my entire degree grade. And the worst part was that I had thought, up until I got the degree news/result, that the whole thing was based on grade average. So I thought I had gotten a B; and in fact I was a bit disappointed that I hadn’t got an A.

My name was called and I had to go up in front of four hundred people and accept an award that was an insult to my intelligence and an example of the stupidity of academia; something of which (academia) I had held faith in for five years and was now seeing the farcical mask of.

I was the first person to leave the ballroom. Left before the ceremony ended; because I wanted all of this gown stuff off of me. So I returned it to the hire people.

Then I headed up down and bought some heavy strength beers in the Polish shop. And waited for my Dad to come out. When he saw me he asked me if I had enjoyed the event and I said no, that I only did it for him. He said he thought I was a strange boy. I didn’t quite give a shit. For some bizarre reason he had bought the train tickets down home five hours from this point; so we had five hours to spend in this ugly little city. So I suggested we go to this craft beer joint and whittle away time in there. And we did so.

A few hours later I logged into my phone. And I went on to Facebook, as one does. And I looked on my feed and discovered that Brodie, my eldest brother (a man who was 34 years old at this moment) had just plastered the photo of me with my gown and clumsy hat. Right on my profile page, he’d done exactly what I’d asked him not to do earlier. Shamelessly. Just splatted the image of me on my timeline.

I called him – Brodie – to ask him to take it down. He didn’t pick up. So I messaged him several times, asking him to take it off. And I said that I asked him not to do that.

He eventually responded, twenty minutes later, by saying, “Twat. All right. I will.”

He went and did that, just to fuck me off on my graduation day; when I was already feeling angry and miserable. And I’d asked my Dad not to spread the photos around, too; and he went and did it anyway.

It was typical of both of them. Typical of the family bullying. That kind of unprovoked knack for hurting me, just for the hell of it. To do the exact opposite of what I pleaded with them not to do, solely to hurt my feelings, badger me, goad me. And then for Brodie to call me a ‘twat’ after I got angry about it. A man in his mid thirties. Perhaps involving some kind of childish jealousy that I was better educated than he was. And, I was. I was the only person in the family to achieve a Masters degree, and I went to the best universities. And half of my siblings never even went to university.

Yes. It was a grim way to end my adventures in academia. And, as you can probably tell from the tone of this story, I’m still pretty bitter about it. I think because my degree in Psychology (before Journalism) was a success tale.

I often thought that my MA degree in Psychology was amongst my greatest achievements. And, oh, yeah: my mother told me I was going to fail this degree altogether. And she later said, after I had graduated, in reference to my degree: “I don’t give a shit about a piece of paper!”

Honestly, that’s what she said about it.

Families should not determine your achievements. You make your own goals and you win them by yourself; and you shouldn’t let abusive quotes from your family to make them seem less spectacular.

They were abusive critics, and still are. But I was a way better academic than any of them. And still am …

[theangrypomeranian]

I don’t think you’ve been asked this one yet, so another of your faves: 001 Hemita?

babs i love you for this <333

when I started shipping it if I did: UF Oh No You Didn't! It's one of my all time favorite episodes of BB because I got not only my canon Zekina kiss but also introduced me to these two nerds.

my thoughts: NERDS IN LOVE. They're so adorable together and just thinking about them makes me want to giggle and kick my feet like a school girl.

What makes me happy about them: Nerds in love! Lol. To quote Darryl "it's because of the double nerd!" Also they have this really easy and natural dynamic together that imo feels really genuine.

What makes me sad about them: We've only gotten to see them together in 2 episodes and I am sad about it! I want to see more of them! Please show writers, let me see my babies!!

things done in fanfic that annoys me: Considering there's like...3 of them as the main couple, nothing yet lol.

things I look for in fanfic: Them fitting into each others lives well, just like them being able to hang out with their friends and family without any problem. Imo the trope of cultural differences keeping them apart trope is fine but we've seen enough of it to last a lifetime.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:  You know, in another life I really think that Henry x Tina could have worked for me, but alas I am loyal to Zekina and Hemita lol. I really don't want them with anyone except each other.

My happily ever after for them: They become that one couple who stays together all through high school and college. They get married after they both graduate with their degrees and get good jobs and have two kids (a girl and a boy) and get to be nerds together for the rest of their lives. <3

who is the big spoon/little spoon: Susmita is the little spoon, Henry is more cuddly than anyone would think.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Star gazing! Henry has one of those fancy telescopes and they like to find good spots to set it up and look at the stars together! They're also suckers for a good nature documentary.

[romans-artblog]

Starting from scratch.

It’s been a while since I’ve needed to type on a computer; I used to work in an office job and use computers every day, but now I work in luxury fashion and it’s more hands on – a lot less computer usage. I used to write nearly every day when I was studying at university as well, but it’s been over a year since I graduated now.

I’ll start by introducing myself. My name is Roman, I’m 23, 5’2”, and a Scorpio. I’m from Liverpool, though my scouse accent is not that thick. I have an educational background in art and economics and studied Fine Art at university – I graduated with a 2:1. I’m predominantly a painter, inspired by the Italian renaissance and baroque periods, but in the last couple of years I have found myself experimenting with more modern styles when using art as a form of therapy, and these works seem to have a much more pop art visual inspiration. I enjoy collage and quick sketches to resolve personal feelings that I can’t just mentally work through.

While I studied Fine Art at university, during my 3-year stint in higher education I discovered that my real passion was not the practical production of artwork itself (although I do still enjoy making art when I have the time), I found that the theoretical and historical review of artworks was where I really found my groove. Every semester my grades in the ‘art history modules’, as we called them, would exceed that of the more practical courses. If I’m very honest, in my first year I thought about asking my course leader whether I could change paths and instead pursue the History of Art degree that my university provided in the same building – the course leader for that degree hosted our theoretical module lectures on a Tuesday, so I already had somewhat of a relationship with her. Ultimately, I didn’t make the change as, and looking back on this now I feel my reasoning was a foolish mistake, I had already made friends on the fine art course. I didn’t want to miss out on the social aspect of university either.

I graduated July 2022, and since then I have been working in luxury fashion, as already mentioned. I won’t go into this too much, but it was more an opportunity that fell into my lap during a desperate time rather than an active decision to go into the premium industry, and while I’ve always had a love for designer fashion, it’s not where I want to stay for the rest of my life. I plan on doing my MA soon (next year or two perhaps?) but there are no university’s that do an Art History course that I could reliably commute to everyday within the vicinity of Liverpool, so it will require me to move to a different city, and I’m not very good at dealing with change.

So, in the meantime, I’m trying to get back into the swing of writing about art – sometimes critically, sometimes just expressing my own opinion. I guess it’s just so I don’t fall out of practice. I spent 3 years and over £27,000 on my degree, I don’t want to lose the critical writing skills that I paid such a high price for. The last real piece of writing I did about art was my ‘dissertation’. I use that word rather loosely as that wasn’t what it actually was – my university ditched dissertations for the fine art course a few years before it came to me writing mine, but we still had to complete a 5,000-word essay on any topic of our choice. As my educational background before university was in art and economics, I decided to write my paper on the financial underworld of art forgeries and the ethics of selling fakes. This paper is still one of my greatest achievements if I’m honest. It was the only module in my final year that I got a first-class grade in. I’ll be posting it after this, just as a starting point.

It’s the first day of 2024, and this year I’d like to make some steps forward in my career, even if it’s just the odd post to this blog. Actually, I’m going to write a little list of goals for 2024:

Write more about art. Does NOT need to be volumes, just the odd thing here and there.

Decide whether I’d like to set up my own website for my writing (dependent on goal 1, not much point of a website if I’m only going to make 1 post a year)

Decide when and where I am going to do my master’s degree.

Become more active in the local art scene. Never let anyone tell you that there is no art up north. I made quite good friends with 2 girls on my university course who are now the new stars in the Liverpool art scene, so perhaps I should see whether they’d be responsive to me witing about their shows.

Quit smoking. Not art related but just as important all the same.

And that’s a little bit about me. Like I said in my goals, I’m not too sure how often I’ll be writing or posting. Honestly, other than doing my master’s degree, I don’t even know where to start to try and get my foot in the door of the world of writing critically about art, but I need to start somewhere, so this is better than doing nothing.

(Every post prior to this was made during my time at university - during first and second year we had to keep a blog where we made posts about our own artwork as well as visiting lecturers works. I was never good at writing about my own artwork and it was rare that I actually enjoyed the visiting lecturers works, so I never really did the blog thing successfully. I want to keep the posts up regardless, as it also gives a bit of insight into my past.)

[blacktypeofguy-blog]

“Midlife Crisis Syndrome”

By: Sean Christian D. Marciales

Welcome to my personal corner of the internet! As you can tell from the title, I’m currently experiencing something common at this stage of my life. Well, I guess you can say when you’ve reached a certain age you tend to overthink about a lot of things. And right now, I’m currently stuck in this dilemma for a while now. Sometimes adults can be sensitive and scared in some situations about how their lives are going through, so I’m to share my personal experience and why am I currently in a “midlife crisis”.

Chapter 1: Origins

Growing up, I’ve always been naïve when it comes to certain things. For example, I wanted to become a doctor when I was a kid, easier said than done right? Well of course as kids, we are free to dream and be whatever we want to be. At least that’s what the grownups tell us back then. It seemed so cool to dream and imagine myself as a doctor trying to help people. Well, everything changed when I was in High School. I actually didn’t like the work put in on how to achieve that goal. I hated experiments, I hated doing math. Everything scientifically related gives me a head ache and then I suddenly realized that maybe this isn’t for me. Everything was just wishful thinking when I was a kid. And the question popped in my mind, why were they telling me I could become a doctor before reality stuck me hard?

Chapter 2: Passion Unleashed

Everything kind of changed when I stepped into high school. I became more matured and realistic. Although I still have that wishful thinking mindset back when I was a kid, I learned to step back and don’t get my hopes up. Pretty negative right? Well, I’m a realist back then. Anyways, I was still looking for other passions during this brief period since I know I’ll have to choose a course related to it when I step in college. So, I did a bit of self-reflecting. What do I really want to be when I grow up? I had a few things that I loved doing but I didn’t see myself surviving with it in the real world. That’s when something dawned on me. Do I really have to love my job to lead a fulfilling life? I mean I just want to survive and buy the things that I want regardless what my job is. Yeah, I was basically money-driven at a young age. That’s when I considered to maybe go into business management, I mean more options right? I’d rather see myself working my own business rather than working inside an office 24/7 bored to death. So, I made up my mind. Business it is then.

Chapter 3: Reality check

This is when things changed for the worse. I passed the entrance examinations in my dream school, but there was one problem, it wasn’t business management. Now I was pretty much broken when I found out about it, there goes my hopes and dreams of trying to study business. “I guess it wasn’t really meant for me” was the initial thought that popped in my mind. I guess I was still naïve even as an adult. I kept thinking, when will I ever learn to realize that there are limitations in life. So, I moved on, pursued the course that I passed, graduated college, and worked for about a good year. In all honesty, it wasn’t so bad. Well, it wasn’t good either. But I realized that regardless where I am now. It’s the people and the opportunities I encounter makes things better. I’m fortunate I had a good run in with a few people who I consider my best friends because I stumbled upon a degree, I had no intention of pursuing. They basically changed my whole mindset about life. You can dream, but don’t get your hopes up. But even if everything falls apart, there will always be people who will struggle with you, and that makes things better, I guess. I thought I was the only one feeling this way, but that wasn’t the case. I am profoundly grateful for the people I met along this rocky journey and even if right now, I might not be in a position I particularly wanted to be in, I’m glad I met people who changed my point of view that it isn’t that bad.

Thanks for listening, I hope this blog provides insight into who I am, the things I’ve experienced in my journey and the pursuit of self-discovery. Feel free to leave a comment, connect, and share your own stories. I’m excited to build a community where we can inspire and support each other on this weird journey called life.

[falling0ff0fcliffs]

Not sure if I should delete this page

As I get older it dawns on me that having a secret blog where I post my unfiltered uncensored thoughts is a bad thing. Especially as what I say and think starts to affect more and more people. The older I get the more responsibility I take on, the more my actions matter. I don’t view it as a bad thing, I take on more and more burdens in order to contribute to the world, and be someone who’s useful to others. In that I’ve found contentment. With all that being said, I live in a whole new world compared to the one i made my last post in. The last two years I’ve attended a small bible college in upstate New York. Despite it being a small school, I’ve made it my goal to be as theologically educated as possible, and I believe I’ve accomplished this. This month I’ll be graduating and i have a job waiting for me when I go back to Chicagoland. In my personal life I’ve done a lot to detox from social media. I’ve started reading more, and focusing on my game. I started to realize about a year ago that I am unable to create what I want without more technical skills. So I decided to learn how to code. Along with that my art has improved significantly, and I’ve started to put something together that looks somewhat professional. I realized that if I had put all the time I did into video games into my education I’d be significantly more capable. Here I am now after months of trial and error I can finally say that I’m an amateur programmer, but a programmer nonetheless. In this process of my expanding skill set I’ve changed my persona. At school people started to recognize me as the guy who reads, programs, and exclusively listens to classical music. This is an extreme contrast to the guy who i was before. I still hold on to bits of my old self. At the Fourth of July party I turned on Indi music just to find out everyone else stopped listening. I still go through spouts of YouTube addiction(although the majority of what I watch is theological discussion), I still play rocket league from time to time, sometimes too much, but I don’t let any of those things define me anymore. Being in New York has changed me but it’s not New York that did it, New York simply gave me the chance to change. Socially New York has been a huge learning experience. I’ve made new friends but it wasn’t easy. I used to not want to be friends with someone unless it was a really close friendship, but I’ve realized not everyone can be your best friend. It takes time to develop that, and it’s not fair to expect someone you’ve met a year ago to be as close to you as the people you grew up with. I also used to want other people to be interested in the same things as me, but I realized that is foolish as well. I learned that I had to mold to my environment. Pick up new interest, make new types of jokes, and embrace change. I still have who I was, but I could not remain unchanged if I wanted to make friends. Now that it’s been two years it’s bitter sweet. I’ve built all these relationships with people who I’m inevitably gonna leave. I may not see them again. The last thing I wanted to talk about was marriage. After 3 years I can honestly say I’ve fallen more in love with my wife. It’s not always easy, but it’s not about doing what’s easy, its about growth. Together we have grown a lot, and more importantly we had a child, which makes me a dad. I’m still processing that one so I won’t say to much about it, but I will say it’s a lot of fun. It’s helped me to understand the differences between my wife and I. My strengths and weaknesses are balanced with hers, which is good for my child’s development.

In the last two years I’ve made friends, I’ve gotten my degree, I’ve learned to program, became a better artist, and more importantly became a better husband and a father. When I go back home I hope that my wife and I can be impactful. Life is really just starting, and for the first time I’m enjoying becoming older, wiser, and content with life.

Ps. After reviewing this I feel I left a lot out, but I am too impatient to fill in the details at the moment

[14buddy22]

How Far We’ve Come - Epilogue

WC: 4165

Series Masterlist // Masterlist

a/n: The 6 kids are 25, 24, 23, 20 and the twins are 17.. Ahh! This was the last part of the series; however I could be convinced to do little one shots here and there... Eventually. I’m working on some thoughts for some other pieces I would like to write and would like to write another series. Thanks for sticking with me and if you have any feedback, literally anything, send me a message! I’d love to hear it. Thanks for sticking with me :)

pic from TGibby’s insta

Life had been going great for the Hotchners, and there were a lot of big events coming up for the household. Joey had graduated with a degree in Behavior Analysts, he was finishing up the academy all while getting his Juris Doctor degree. Joey was fascinated by law as he wanted to get justice for people. While the DV caused your husband’s life to end, Joey wanted to make sure that enver happened to anyone. The reason he was focusing on the FBI was to get there before it was too late. Joey had outright said it at dinner one day, and it made you reminisce.

Joey had just come home for the first time, it was Thanksgiving. It was a hard adjustment for everyone. The twins were 10, so they knew where he was going yet they were still upset to see him leave. Even with the 3 older kids being older, things just weren’t the same with Joey in college. Aaron hated when Joey was away, but Joey made sure to call or text him every day. Aaron didn’t know this but you made sure to text Joey how much it meant that he called Aaron every day. Joey knew how hard Aaron’s job was, especially after Strauss had passed and was carrying the work of Unit and Section Chief.

Everyone was gathered around the table for Thanksgiving, all the kids talking and taking pictures of themselves every 5 minutes, well at least the younger 3. Aaron and you were finishing up the last remaining meal and placed it on the table. Everyone gathered around and made some small talk. It was a normal family dinner, one that hadn’t happened since Joey had left in August, but they were grateful for this meal now.

“So, I’ve finally decided what I want to do.”

You looked at Aaron from across the table and said, “What’s that Joey?”

“Well, because of Dad, I want to go into the FBI, the BAU specifically.”

Aaron feared for this. He didn’t want any of his 6 kids to go through what he’d been through. He knew Joey was interested in his job, ever since he was a little kid, Joey was interested. Aaron had had numerous talks with Joey about the job and how hard it could be on someone, but it only seemed to inspire Joey more.

“Dad, before you say anything, just hear me out. I want to go into the BAU because I want to be able to stop something before anyone gets hurt. I want to be the reason that someone smiles on the worst day of their life, by bringing their family or friend home. Dad, YOU have saved hundreds of people, maybe even thousands. You don’t give yourself enough credit. I know we’ve had countless talks about the BAU and I know you’ve been trying overtime to get me to not go into the field, but hearing you talk about it only makes me want to go into it more. I want to save lives and I know how hard the job could be on someone and how dangerous it might be, but Dad, you’ve done it. You’re the unit chief, and you’ve raised 6 amazing children and are a father to us. Once I graduate, I’m going to focus on law school as well, I feel like it’ll help me. You inspired me Dad and I want to do this.”

You looked at Aaron and saw him put his fork down. He stood up and Joey stood up. You watched them go hug each other and you snapped a picture. While Joey wasn’t close with Aaron at first, their bond grew so much. The hiking trip on father’s day all those years ago helped that. Now Joey was telling Aaron that the reason he wants to go into law and the FBI is BECAUSE of Aaron. You knew Aaron would be crying about it tonight.

That made you smile, because here he was, getting ready to graduate with his JD degree along with earning the spot in the BAU. Aaron was still section chief of the FBI, but Aaron had nothing to do with the interview and application process, he immediately went to the higher ups and explained the situation, but Joey was well over qualified to earn that spot and didn’t even need his Dad to get him in.

With Joey graduating from his law program, came a wedding. He was engaged to his high school sweetheart, Hannah. She had a degree in education and had been settling into her job as a Middle school teacher. Hannah was super nice and you and Aaron knew those two would get married. Aaron had been saying it since the first time he met her. Well, walked in on her and Joey making out in the pool.

So with Joey’s graduation today and then the wedding the week after, it was all a little hectic. But it wouldn’t be a Hotchner household if there wasn’t more to it. Jack was also getting married. Jack met his fiance in college their freshman year. Joey and Jack were young, but they were very good at knowing what they wanted and they seemed to have their entire life planned out. Jack became a paramedic. He wanted to save people, but he also didn’t want the trauma that his Dad had experienced.

Tyler and Grace, they weren’t twins, but they might as well could’ve been. They were your wild children. Grace was always your wild child, but that rubbed off on Tyler. Those two grew extremely close. Tyler and Grace were out partying every weekend, in which your daughter had bought a fake ID and used it all the time.

You watched Aaron put his shirt on and he walked over to his bedside table. He opened the drawer and you glanced down. Inside you saw the Fake IDs of all his kids; Joey, Jack, Tyler, and Grace’s, along with shot glasses, vodka shooters, and condoms.

“Can’t believe Joey’s graduating today, getting married next week, Jack’s getting married the following week, and then our Gracie turns 21 and the twins turn 18.”

He knelt on the bed and kissed you. You loved your husband, he was incredibly handsome, especially in his dadbod state with his jet black hair with a sprinkle of gray in it. It was the perfect combo.

“Well, I’m afraid that when the twins turn 18, I’ll have to add to my collection of fake IDs taken.”

You let out a laugh, thinking back to all the times Aaron caught them using their fakes or saw that they had one.

You looked in his drawer and saw the plethora of fake IDs. You reached in the drawer and saw about 10 different states. Each kid had about 3 Fake IDs, especially after Aaron had taken their first or seconds.

“Our kids are trouble makers and unfortunately Harper and Mas, they’re just like our other 4.”

You laughed at your husband’s statement and he leaned down to kiss you. He laid his body on top of you and you ran your hand through his hair. He had been awfully quiet tonight. Maybe it was because Joey’s graduation was today, or the fact that the kids were getting married.

You felt your dog hop on your bed and Aaron said, “Hey princess.”

Oh, you forgot to mention that the twins convinced Aaron to get them a dog for their 5th birthday. After countless times before the kids had asked him, he finally caved in. Yet, he was the closest to your dog. Aaron took the dog on his morning runs, brought the dog to the kids’ sporting events, and pretty much everywhere except to work. The dog laid next to you and Aaron petted your dog.

“When did we become old?”

“What are you talking about, honey?”

“Our oldest is graduating with his second degree and getting married next week, Jack’s is getting married the week after, Tyler’s, well Tyler’s Tyler, and he’s just living the single life as a teacher. Our little girl’s got a boyfriend and is going to be 21. And then our twins are going to be 18, they’ll legally be adults.”

You kissed him and you knew he was hurting. It was very hard for him to see his children move out of the house that you two raised them in. You two were slowly becoming empty nesters and Aaron didn’t like it one bit. He loved his family, and you did too. But it was nice to have Aaron to yourself. You had the twins, Tyler was living in the apartment complex that your brother used to live in, which was very close.

“Aaron, just think, once Joey and Jack are married, we’re one step closer to becoming grandparents and while we won’t have our little kids to spoil, we’ll have our grandbabies to spoil!”

“You know, I always thought Gracie would end up pregnant in high school, I figured she’d be the one to make me a grandpa first.”

You laughed at that. Aaron always thought that Grace would be the one to get pregnant in high school. While he didn’t care if she did, and would support her all the way, he knew she was a wild child, she’d had a couple boyfriends in high school and two of them being serious. Unfortunately, but maybe fortunately he knew she was having sex, he saw the empty condom box in the bathroom one day when he was cleaning. At least she’d been being safe about it, that’s all he could ask for.

You heard a knock on the door and told whoever it was to come in.

“You and Dad aren’t having sex right?”

Aaron said, “No.”

Joey opened the door and he said, “Thank god, because I’ve lived 25 years and have never seen that and I don’t ever want to see that.”

You laughed and Aaron moved off you.

“Are you ready to graduate big guy?”

“Yeah, are you ready for me old man? I can kick your ass. I’ll be a better lawyer and agent than you.”

“I don’t think that’ll ever happen.”

“I’ll prove it old man.”

The rest of the kids slowly moved into your room, all ready to go to Joey’s graduation. You drove to Joey’s university and got ready for graduation, Hannah sat next to your family. You and Aaron had talked about last minute wedding details with her and could tell she was a little nervous, but you and Aaron had calmed her down.

**A Week Later**

It was finally the day everyone had been waiting for. The first Hotchner wedding. Joey being first born, he got the first wedding. It just worked out that way.

Everything was beautiful, the venue, the flowers, Hannah’s dress. Everything was perfect. You watched Aaron help Joey do his tie and Joey smiled.

“What Joey?”

“The old man thinks I can’t tie my tie.”

“I know you can tie your tie. But you don’t tie it well. I’ve had years of practice as an agent, unit chief, and now section chief. You’re a young agent. You dress like Morgan most of the time.”

The photographer had been taking pictures and you looked at Aaron. You smirked and pulled his hand toward a closet. You and Aaron were older, but still young, and on top of all that, he was good looking, especially as he was getting older.

You began to kiss him and he looked around. He opened the closet door and he went to pull you in when you caught a glimpse of Grace and her boyfriend, Matt, making out in the closet.

Gracie said, “Oh my god, Dad, close the door!”

Aaron slammed the door and looked at you. The chances of you two hooking up in the closet were now slim to none due to the fact that you two just caught Grace and Matt getting ready to hook up in the closet.

They came stumbling out and Matt said, “Aaron, Y/n. We are so sorry.”

You looked at Aaron and Grace looked at him. You went to speak and Grace said, “Mom, Dad, we’re not 15. We’re two consenting adults.”

Aaron looked at his daughter and never took her eyes off her. That was his little girl and he just caught them getting ready to do the deed.

“Just, please go find Joey, he needs a picture of you two. Well, all the kids. It seems you’re ready. So, go.”

The kids started running down the hallway and you looked at Aaron. He leaned down to kiss you and he whispered against your lips, “She’s 100% your daughter.”

You pulled his tie down to you and said, “She may be my daughter, but according to the law, she’s your daughter too.”

When the ceremony began, it was emotional, there were pictures of Michael and Joey when he was younger. It made you tear up, but you knew Michael was smiling down on his son.

Aaron was there with you everytime you needed to step away and he was there to make sure the bartenders wouldn’t serve Grace, Harper, and Mason alcohol. Which made you laugh because you had caught Penelope, Emily, JJ, Derek, and Spencer going to the bar and getting drinks that wouldn’t normally be drunk by them, but be drunk by your kids.

At the end of the night, it was just your family. You all were dancing with each other and Joey and Hannah had walked back with a gift. They gave it to you and Joey said, “Mom, Dad, this is for you. Thank you guys for everything. Everything you’ve done for me, for raising me to be an incredible man.”

You and Aaron opened your gifts and pulled out a little onesie.

Aaron read it and said, “Papa’s newest hiking buddy.”

You looked at the onesies and said, “Joey, Hannah. Oh my god.”

Aaron said, “We’re going to be grandparents!”

Aaron kissed you then hugged Joey and Hannah. It was a perfect ending to a perfect night. Joey and Hannah were starting their new life and getting ready to begin their new life with a little one in 6 and a half months.

**1 week later**

Jack’s big day was here. Everything was perfect too. The boys knew what they and their fiances wanted, so it was just right. Jack had pictures of Haley there and you knew Aaron was emotional. Just as how he was there for you on Joey’s day, you were there for him on Jack’s big day.

You were in charge of making sure the kids were drinking within limits, you knew you couldn’t stop them but you didn’t want them to get wasted either. When it got to the mother, son dance, you and Jack had a surprise for Aaron. You grabbed Jack and began to dance to the same song that Aaron and Haley danced to at their wedding.

You and Jack looked over at Aaron and he was sitting at the table with all the kids. He wiped his tear and smiled.

Jack said, “Why don’t you go get Dad to join us.”

You grabbed Aaron up and kissed him, Aaron walked over to join you and Jack and then Jack’s fiance joined in into a group slow dance. It was perfect, it was closure for Jack and Aaron.

After the night, you let Jack and Aaron go talk on the balcony while you were trying to round up the 4 kids that were coming home with you. You knew they’d have a serious hangover in the morning so you needed to get them in one place where they’d be comfortable.

Once you got all the kids home, you and Aaron made it back to your bedroom. He locked the door and said, “Want to recreate our wedding night?”

**1 Week later**

Grace had finally turned 21 and she convinced Aaron to go out with her to the college bars on campus. Joey, Jack, and Tyler all agreed to meet down at her campus and go clubbing with her too.

It was a fun scene. Aaron heard a bunch of her college friends say “DILFS drink for free” and kept buying Aaron drinks even though he kept declining. He just kept passing the drinks to his daughter. If he wasn’t going to drink them, he could pass them to one of his 4 kids who were.

When the 4 kids heard he was paying, he knew his bank account would be hurting for the huge tab that would be taken tonight. But, Gracie was his little girl, even though she was a pain for him and was going to kill him one day or another, she had him wrapped around his finger.

“Come on Dad! Let’s take a shot!”

You and Aaron were the designated drivers, but you convinced Aaron to do a few shots with the kids. You took pictures and videos, because if the kids didn’t remember in the morning, they definitely would after seeing proof.

Her 21st birthday was fun, she was drunk, but not drunk enough where she was wasted. Tyler was your wild child, he was drunk.

They opened up the karaoke stage and you laughed thinking about when you took Aaron to do karaoke on a date night. You sang Baby got back and then friends in low places with him. Your kids were very outgoing, you knew they had a soft spot for karaoke, as many family vacations usually called for one night of karaoke.

Joey called your kids attention to it. Then just in good ole Hotchner fashion. The kids all ran on stage and started singing up there, you and Aaron had recorded and then started dancing to the music. Your kids were never grossed out by you and Aaron. They thought you two were the cool parents, even if you took away their Fake IDs before they turned 21.

You and Aaron decided to hop on stage with the kids and you all sang Friends in Low Places, placing a cowboy hat on Aaron’s head, you were brought back to that moment, all those years ago, before your two families were combined, before you had the twins, when it was just you and him and that bar. It made you smile thinking of the life you made and how everything became full circle.

**6 months later**

You and Aaron were watching Mason’s baseball game and Harper’s softball game. Both fields right next to each other were perfect, you could sit in the outfield, see both your children play in the game and you got to see both of them.

Then you got a call from Joey. When you answered, you knew it was something about Hannah. She was nearing the end of her pregnancy and knew it’d be soon that she’d deliver. Once the game ended, you and Aaron quickly grabbed Mason and Harper and drove with them to the hospital.

Joey met you in the waiting room. Jack, Tyler, Grace, Harper, and Mason all hugged each other then hugged Joey.

Joey said, “Can you let Mom and Dad meet the baby first, then I’ll come back and get you guys?”

His siblings all nodded and you and Aaron followed Joey into the hospital room.

When Joey opened the door, Hannah had been holding the baby in her arms. Hannah smiled widely at you and Aaron and whispered, “Hi!”

Aaron and you walked closer and Joey said, “Mom, Dad, meet your first grandson, Michael Aaron Hotchner.”

You immediately had tears in your eyes. You looked at your grandson and he was absolutely perfect. He was the perfect mix of Hannah and Joey.

Aaron looked at Joey and whispered, “You didn’t have to give him my middle name.”

Hannah said, “We absolutely did. You have been an amazing father to Joey and an amazing father in law to me. Ever since high school you’ve been so good to me Aaron. It’s the least we could do. We gave you a new little buddy to take naps with, to cook with, go hiking with.”

Joey said, “Thanks for being the best Dad. I know I was hesitant all those years ago, but looking back, I wish I hadn’t been because I now know that you were just trying to love a broken child who had lost his father, you loved me back together. You filled that void that my Dad took with him when he died. Without you Aaron, I wouldn’t be who I am today. You and Mom.” Aaron and Joey hugged and Hannah said, “Here, do you want to hold your grandson?”

Aaron nodded and he took Michael from your arms. Hannah had taken pictures of the baby and of you and Aaron with Michael.

Aaron said, “Hi Michael. I’m your Papa. I can’t wait to get all the snuggles I can with you. I promise we won’t let anything bad happen to you. Your daddy and I stop bad guys. Well, soon it’ll be just your daddy when I retire, but I still have to make sure your Dad won’t be better than me.”

Everyone laughed in the room and Aaron held him close. Had you and him been a little younger, you would have been convinced that you and Aaron would get pregnant that night. Seeing him with babies and children was a big turn on for you, just as it was a turn on for him as well.

Once the rest of your kids came into the room, the nurse took pictures of your family. Had you never met Aaron, this whole family would have never happened. The moments you enver wanted to forget will forever be a part of you in scrapbooks, camera rolls, social media. Aaron gave you a life that you wanted with Michael. Aaron gave you even more than you could ever ask for. Two single parents worked it out and became one big happy family. You truly had gone the distance with each other.

Jack said, “I can’t believe we’re uncles and aunts. Our brother has a baby!”

Joey said, “Yeah, what do you think old man? You’re a grandpa.”

Aaron chuckled and looked at you. Your husband leaned over to kiss you while holding your grandson.

You posted a picture of Aaron holding his grandson and then the whole family together. You captioned it, “Who thought the strict unit chief would become so soft at the sight of his first grandchild?”

**Few Weeks Later**

Your family vacation had been planned a year in advance. Everyone was at the lake house and you all decided to go boating. Joey said, “Dad, did you really have to bring the rat?”

“Leave my girl alone.”

Aaron began to drive on the boat and you took countless pictures of all the kids and their significant others. You walked over to kiss him and Mason said, “Dad, the rat wants you.”

Aaron rolled his eyes and picked up your dog.

“She’s probably cold, Mas.”

Aaron tucked your dog into his sweatshirt and held her as he was driving. You made sure to snap a picture to add to his collection of pictures with the dog. He was very protective of his dog.

Joey walked over with Michael in his arms and said, “Here Grandpa, take over, I’m going to shotgun with my brothers and sisters.”

Aaron rolled his eyes and Michael handed him the baby. He had stopped the boat and turned off the engine. He sat in the back of the boat holding Michael and began to feed him. You made your way over and laid your head on Aaron’s arm.

Aaron and you looked out at your children and saw how happy they were. The kids were all pushing each other off the boat or wrestling on the platform or the watermat. They were having fun, not a care in the world. That’s all that mattered.

“I’m glad we were able to make this work.”

“Me too, honey. Let’s plan on it for next year. Who knows, we might have more grandchildren by then.”

Aaron said, “I wish Jack would tell us that she’s pregnant.”

You both chuckled and you leaned forward to kiss him. He held you and whispered, “I love you so much. Thank you for giving me a chance all those years ago.”

You smiled at him and said, “I love you, too, Aar.”

You stood up and went to go on the watermatt with the kids.

Aaron looked down at Michael and Michael was staring up at him and beginning to smile. He said, “Hey buddy. Look, you want to see your crazy family?”

Aaron put Michael on his chest and Michael grabbed Aaron’s shirt. Aaron kissed his head and said, “This family has come a long way, and someday, when you’re telling your children about us, you’ll realize just how far we’ve come.”