#if I was even more lonely and insecure I would probably take the wrong lesson from this

[bereft-of-frogs]

I’m at the point with that one snarky post where every time I get a notification on it I want to read the Severance apology speech

[elias-code]

The Swine’s Scribe

Characters: c!Technoblade x gn!reader, an appearance by Philza

Background: You're in Techno's cabin after getting the rest of his wolves from L’Manburg after the second war. You were originally rescued by Techno from a blizzard after running from the first L'Manburg explosion (your house was among those destroyed.)

Summary: When Techno gets back from the second L'Manburg war, he lets go of a lot of emotions by ranting to you. You, being concerned about his mental wellbeing, ask if you can do anything for him, and eventually, he kisses you, which leads to some close-calls with Phil and a whole lot of smut and fluff.

Wordcount: 3291 (according to google docs lmao)

Warnings: NSFW, swearing, blood/wounds, biting, getting caught

I REPEAT NSFW, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

-------------------------------- Enjoy :) ----------------------------------

Ever since Techno brought you in from the cold months ago, you've been doing little chores for him in a way to repay his kindness. Even though he was the one who summoned the withers after the initial explosions, you felt safe around him. It had been hard to get used to at first, but now you felt comforted by his presence.

For the past week, you've been writing his journal for him after he broke his hand sparring with Phil. His hand has since healed, but you insisted that you do it for him, and he put up little protest.

"It was stressful, seeing your friends leave like that, in the blink of an eye. I don't trust anyone anymore, not after Tommy betrayed me. I gave him a roof over his head, hid him from Dream, one of the most powerful people on the server, AND I trusted him with my Axe of Peace." Technoblade's tone was strained and he let out a huff.

"Techno," you empathised, "are you sure you're okay after today?"

"I'm fine, please keep writing." He only ever said please when he was really serious, clearly, he was not interested in talking.

"Now, I refuse to bow to the voices. They want blood and I won't let them. Too many allies have died for me or have disappeared onto the other side, only to reemerge when they need ME, never when I need THEM."

Again, you piped in, "Techno, you're clearly not ok," his pale skin was flushed red and his eyebrows knit together into a grimace, "If there's anything I can do to help, please tell me."

He went silent.

"You don't have to talk about it if it's really getting to you... Or you could let it out. Either way, I'm here to help," You said.

"I'll think about it. For now, keep writing,"

For another half hour, he ranted about the destruction of L'Manburg and his dramatic reenactment was accented by occasional yelling and hand gestures. Suddenly, he stops speaking and gets a puzzled look on his face, "Um, what- what's the correct phrasing for - I guess - 'horny for violence'?" The tips of his ears were bright red, matching the blush now forming on his cheeks.

You chuckle, "I think it's hungry for violence..."

"Ah, that's it," Techno states, and then he completed his recounting of events. There's a bubble of silence in the air and he bursts it by asking, "Do you have any thoughts?"

"You know my thoughts, Techno..."

"I think I know, but give me words, I can't read minds."

"You're not healthy, you need help. You need better friends and a proper support system. Right now you really only have Phil, and I guess me if I even count."

"You count."

Now it was your turn to blush, but you continue, "Either way, that's not enough! You deserve more than you're getting. I can tell that even without the things you've had me write down. You're carrying so much weight, Tech."

"I didn't know you cared," he seems touched by your words, "I suppose I don't know a whole lot about you."

"And yet, you trust me with your deepest, darkest secrets, Technoblade."

"One thing I can trust you to do is help me with my armour."

He was still wearing the enchanted netherite chestplate and pants, both of which you started fumbling with. The leather straps were clasped tightly, as to not come off in battle, but you managed to manoeuvre them enough to get them to let go.

As the chestplate was lifted off of him, he hissed and then grunted. You look at the spot his hand flew to on his back, where his shirt had torn to reveal a big gash in his shoulder. It ran from his shoulder blade to his left pec, one of the only places where he was unarmoured.

"Holy shit Tech, why didn't you tell me this was here?!"

"I didn't want to worry you," He chuckled and then hissed again, "I guess that plan failed."

You did not find it funny. You immediately went to get the supplies Phil kept in his house, knowing that Techno didn't keep anything but healing potions in his chests. Phil was eager to help and he handed some bandages and rubbing alcohol to you so you could clean the wound. You also grabbed a spare scrap of leather for him to bite down on.

When you returned, Techno had moved to sit on his bed where he had already removed the greaves and discarded them beside him. You came to his side, putting down the alcohol, rag, and bandage.

"This is probably going to hurt, so I need you to bite down on this," you said, handing him the leather scrap.

"Ok," he said, watching you grab the alcohol and rag from the floor, "Just- just tell me when,"

"Alright," He put the leather in between his teeth, biting lightly, "you ready?"

He nodded, you put the alcohol rag onto the blood-crusted gash. He let out a sharp, low hiss, tightening his jaw on the leather to release some of the pain. You cleaned up quickly to minimise the pain and then wrapped it in the bandage, leaving some so you could clean and replace it later.

"All done, you ok?" You looked at him, one of his eyes was watering.

"Yeah, the pain's much worse when you're not pumped full of adrenaline."

"You better not be hiding any more gashes under all of those clothes,"

"Wanna find out?" He flashed you a smirk, amused by his own confidence.

"I'll take your word for it, but you're going to need to change that shirt, it's covered in blood."

"At least it's not my blood," you shivered a bit at that remark and helped him take his shirt off, careful not to remove the fresh bandages along with it.

For the first time, you saw him without a shirt off. He seemed surprisingly slender for being as strong as he is. There were numerous scars that etched every battle and lesson learned into his skin. Lots of them looked older than you expected and you suddenly realised that he must have been fighting for a long time before coming to the server.

"Like what you see?" he asked, and you rushed to put the shirt down and find an excuse.

"Um, I- I was just looking at your scars, I'll bring this downstairs,"

You rushed away, turning bright red, embarrassed that he had noticed your stares. You absent-mindedly tossed the shirt into the 'wash pile' and then you remembered, in your rush, you had forgotten his greaves. With a huff, you climbed the ladder back to his room.

Techno sat in front of the fireplace, now roaring with renewed vigour from the log he'd tossed in. His pink hair had been undone from the messy braid he had put in that morning. It was almost dyed red and black by the blood and soot in it. He was playing with it, picking out debris and running his fingers through the more knotted bits.

“Tech?”

“Hmm?” he looked up at you, still fiddling with the hair in his hands.

You sat down next to him and he relaxed into a cross-legged position, with one knee tucked under his chin. His free hand is right next to yours and he doesn’t look at you. His face is red, probably from the fire.

“You looked like you were in a trance? Are you ok?”

Silence filled the room again,"

“You don’t have to tell me but just know I’m here if you need to talk. Obviously, I haven’t tattled about anything yet or Tommy and the Butchers would be knocking your door down by now.”

“The voices are quieter than normal. I can hear myself think.”

You try to be encouraging “So? What are you thinking about?”

He looks you in the eyes, they’re deep, his pupils adjusting makes you feel like he’s looking into your soul.

“Um, I’m not sure you’d want to know.”

You frown and protest since you’re now more curious than ever but still a bit freaked out. "C'mon now you've got me curious,"

Techno looked away, solemnly gazing at the fire “I meant what I said about you being a trusted friend. I don't get many of those so, thanks. As for why this is coming up now, well, I guess I’m lonely.”

You hesitated, “Me too, Tech. You're kind of the only one I trust, and I guess Phil, too, but I'd trust you with my life.”

He blushes, looks away, and tucks a strand of hair behind his ear before turning back to you and putting his hand on yours.

You immediately flush and you see a grin seep onto his face.

"I'm not really talking about friends anymore. I want... someone..." he almost whispers

"You mean?" he nods, "I guess I've never had anyone before. I think it'd be nice to see what it'd be like."

“I think we can kill two birds with one stone here, don’t you?”

Now you're both bright red, nervous, schoolkids who gingerly lean into each other's faces, gaze fixed on the other's lips. Your hearts beat hard while your brains rush to make sure you feel insecure, the voices in Techno's mind screaming excitedly.

“You good up there Techno? Your light is still on, it's far past midnight, mate!” Phil shouts from the bottom of the ladder.

“I’m fine, just," He pulls away from you, "reading. Goodnight Phil,”

Techno's ears perk up to listen to the receding footsteps. You’re both standing now, he's standing over the trapdoor, making sure Phil had gone. Once he was sure, he comes over and kisses you hard.

“Tech-"

“Is this ok? I’m not doing anything wrong am I?”

You think He’s clearly never done this before, as you respond "Yeah, I like it..." you continue, stumbling towards his bed where you’re initially just kissing like two teenagers as if it were your first time, desperate, but awkward.

Your hand was pressing against his chest as you laid next to him, tasting each other's spit, learning the ropes since neither of you had ever done this before.

The light from the fire made your shadows dance across the wall, arms moving to hold each other closer, legs wrapping around Techno's, bodies shifting so he's on top of you. Only the roar and crackle of the fire and the occasional grunt or gasp from you or Techno could be heard.

--- Smut begins here ---

As you both part to take a breath, he pulls your shirt over his head. When he leans into the crook of your neck, you notice the tent in his pants pressing against your inner thigh. In between your own legs, there was a pool of slick forming.

You moan, loud, fully knowing that would send Techno wild. He pushes further towards you and holds your arms above your head so he could press his mouth against your neck, leaving red, hot, sticky marks leading from your collarbone to your abdomen.

You're both panting as he lets go of your arms and you wrap them around his neck, pulling his head in for a long, deep kiss. His hot breath warms your cheeks as he repositions himself.

"Hey, is this still ok?" He asks between breaths.

"Abso-fucking-lutely,"

He fully loses himself, taking his hand from your cheek and moving it to your pants, never losing eye contact. You nod and he pushes his hand into the spot between your legs which was now drenched in slick. He found his way to your hole and pushed his index finger into it, creating a sensation you'd never felt before.

Instinctually, you gasp and then moan, harder than before. You rock your hips to his rhythm while he continues to press bruises into your torso. Eventually, he brings his face back to yours and kisses you. You let out another moan into his mouth. He grunts and then chuckles, kissing your cheek before pulling his finger out and then going back in with two.

Now, you're whining, pulling on his long, pink hair. You notice everything in those moments, his rhythmic breaths into your neck and pumping of his finger in and out of your sex, his other hand holding your waist, pushing upwards to caress you, his soft hair in your hand.

"Is it my turn now?" He gruffs.

You hum in affirmation as he pulls away and you kick off your pants as he undoes his own. You immediately notice his size. Compared to his fingers, which were pretty long and thick, to begin with, due to his big hands, his member was a giant. His hand that had previously been half inside of you was now working his dick, its head coated in pre-cum.

While you had seen other penises before, mostly in study, you had never seen one up close, and you'd only seen ones on humans. The hybrid piglin-shapeshifter was sporting a human-like head and shaft, 9 inches (at least) all the way down to a knot... he had a knot...

He notices you gaping at his dick and grins, leaning into you again. "Wanna help me with this, or... should I help m'self?"

Eager to please, you lightly push him forward so you're both sitting up while your hand inspects the new acquaintance. You look up at Techno for guidance. He nods and pushes your hand down with his own. He guides your hand up and down the shaft until he’s no longer guiding you and you’re doing it all yourself.

He does the same with you. The space between your legs was now, simply put, slippery. He did his best to please you, eventually managing three fingers easily.

The pants and gasps were syncing, the knot in your stomach growing stronger while you danced your mouth on the head of his member. He lets out a particularly loud grunt and removes his fingers from your sex. You suddenly feel empty, and he pushes you over onto your stomach.

He puts himself under you, his dick under your mouth. You lick the ever-present pre-cum off of the head of his dick once again and then begin to bob your head up and down, managing to fit him halfway before choking on him. His groans were now louder than yours, becoming more frequent.

"Ughh- fuck," he moans.

Now he holds your head and gently begins to fuck your mouth. Your bobbing was no longer enough, he wanted more. He thrust his hips into you, managing to get a third of the way into you and then it turns into deepthroating after every thrust.

You gag, unable to take him all the way, and so he decides enough is enough and you both rush to get him inside of you. He gets up, moving to position himself above you. You continue to stay in the position he left you in, on your hands and knees.

"Turn around," Techno says.

And so you do, you lay on your back, full of anticipation and covered in juices. He puts his hand on your stomach, leaning in to kiss you lightly, pressing more red marks into your sides, slowly turning you so you face the wall.

He pulls away and holds your leg away from the other, practically putting you into the splits.

"Techno..." You whisper.

"Hmm?"

"Is this gonna hurt?"

"Dunno, darlin'," He leans in again, "let me know if it gets too hard, ok? I'll stop if you say so."

You nod and kiss for confirmation, reaching to hold your own leg up to give him full access.

He inserts the head and you can already feel the stretch, slightly painful but you push on, your fingers grasping the sheets to keep yourself grounded. He’s pushing into you slowly, making sure you're not getting in over your head. You hold the sheet tighter, groaning from the stretch.

He pulls out slightly and the pressure releases. You moan hard, making sure Techno knows that you like what you feel. He pushes in again and begins to thrust into you. Techno is getting further and further with every thrust, and you moan between every breath. He's three-fifths of the way in and he's only getting harder.

Techno's hand replaces yours, keeping your leg raised as you move your hand to work yourself along with him. Your heart beats faster and he picks up the pace. He can get all the way to the knot before pulling out and thrusting in again.

"Tech... Fuck, it's so gooood..."

Now he's becoming sparattic and his face goes into your neck, biting softly, barely enough for blood to form. The knot in your stomach tightens and you scream into the pillow as he pushes all the way in, his skin hitting yours as his knot slips into you.

He moans and thrusts lightly into you, coming inside of you. You feel the pressure inside of you release as you come with him. You're being filled with his sperm, eventually spilling out along with your own come onto the sheet.

He continues to work you with his hand, breathing heavily into your neck. Your heartbeats are in sync and his juices continue to spill out of you, soaking everything below you. You try to look him in the eye as he shakes slightly, somehow still coming.

"Tech? You're still..." you gasp. "I know, sorry... it might be a while..." He grunts out.

Techno's ears perk up and he shoves you under the blanket, still stuck inside of you with the knot.

"What-"

He puts a hand over your mouth as you quiver underneath him, overstimulated by the pressure and his hand which still rested in between your thighs. What the hell is he doing?! The non-stop cum is weird enough, what-

Soon enough, your questions were answered when you heard the footsteps downstairs.

“Do you have my hat?” Phil's voice yells from the base of the ladder.

“Can't you-" he breathes, "you get it in the morning?”

“No, I'm going out super early tomorrow to scout out and make sure we haven’t been followed back.”

“Uh," fuck "it’s on the chair next to my desk up here? I’m in bed…”

Phil comes up the ladder and opens the hatch, eventually finding his hat while techno covers your mouth and lays belly to belly with you, he’s still dribbling a bit, so are you. You’re whimpering slightly.

Phil stops at the trapdoor. “Did you mean to leave the fire on mate?”

“Uh, yeah I was gonna let it burn… I was cold”

“Where’s your friend, loverboy?”

You feel Techno blush above you, his warmth suddenly radiating out from him.

“Um. They went to trade with some piglins since we’re almost out of spectral arrows.”

“Alright let me know when they get back, I just want to make sure they’re ok. Ever since you found them in the snow you’ve been doing better, it seems. Almost like you two are a... thing?”

The question lingered momentarily and you could almost hear Phil's eyebrow raise before Techno answered.

“Hmm, thank you, Phil. Close the trapdoor when you leave, I don’t want the warmth to leave.”

“Alright.”

Finally, the footsteps were gone. He pulls the blanket off of them and he takes his hand off of your mouth. You gasp for dramatic effect, laughing quietly to yourselves at the close call.

"Can I tell you something?" Techno whispers into your ear.

"Yes, you're literally deep inside of me, I'm guaranteed to be interested in what you have to say,"

"I love you"

"I love you, too..."

[linkspooky]

Yuta vs Yuji

(They are both Good Boys ™ and that’s the Problem ™ )

As this week the boys are still fighting, I thought it would be interesting to take a more in depth look at both of their characters and how they compare and contrast with each other. Yuta and Yuji are both protagonists who have protagonistic motivations. Their central conflict, Itadori’s struggle to find a good death surrounded by people he loves, and Yuta’s struggle to be surrounded by people he loves and protects them, relates to protecting the people they love and the world around them. However, that’s also what drives them into conflict with each other. They both view themselves as “the hero” even in conflicts such as the fight against each other, where there is really no good guy. 

1. I want to live / I want to die

Yuta and Yuji are opposites in their stated motivation. Yuta’s goal is to find a way to live a happy life, surrounded by the people he loves. Yuji’s goal is to find a way to die surrounded by people he’s helped in life. 

Not only are their stated motivations opposites however, on the outside they are both the opposite in several ways. Yuji is someone who is known for his strength whereas Yuta is immediately remarked upon as the type to get bullied.  Yuji is immediately remarked upon for his cheerful disposition, whereas everyone who knows Yuta picks on him at first and notices how gloomy he is. 

Yuji is someone who seems to make friends and connect with people almost immediately, whereas Yuta is someone who it probably took him a long time to start getting along with Maki and Inumaki based on what we see in the prequel. Maki challenges him at first, and Yuta doesn’t understand Inumaki at first. 

Yuta is passive, and Yuji is active. Yuji is known for running after people to save them. Yuta���s actually not as motivated to save random strangers as Yuji is, he’s simply going along with becoming a Jujutsu Sorcerer because that will help his goals, 1) to make new friends and find a reason to live 2) to release Rika.

The difference between them even manifests in the way they became cursed. Yuji actively chose to swallow a curse, because he wanted to help Megumi and needed the power to do so. It was a decision he made. Yuta was the one who cursed Rika yes, but not only was it a jujutsu technique he used unconsciously, he also forgot about it and blamed Rika for cursing him instead.  

Which is also something that reflects in the central flaws of both characters. Yuta is someone with a victim complex. He tends to avoid taking direct responsibility for his actions and blaming it on someone else. He acts passive in almost every situation, and doesn’t accept that it may be his fault. Which is why he misremembered what happened to Rika. Yuta could not accept the idea that he was to blame for cursing Rika, so he blamed Rika in his memories instead for cursing him.

It’s been outlined by Maki before Yuta’s victim complex, but basically he reads as a nice person on the surface by pretending to be innocent when he’s not. Which is why she says his goodness feels fake, and he himself feels gross. Yuta kind of just, represses and ignores the bad parts of his personality, to seem like a hapless victim. Of course Yuta is not good or bad, he’s just a dude. But, Maki even goes further to point out Yuta himself doesn’t even seem to know who he wants to be. 

Yuta’s central character flaw is that he never accepts responsibility for his own actions. He has no self confidence and because of that he has a really tough time standing up as an individual. 

When he can learn to control his power, and stand on his own two feet rather than just avoiding responsibility and acting like a victim with no control over his situation. Yuta begins to change, but I think he also elevates his friends far beyond himself. 

He aspires to be like his friends, but he also feels like they’re already better than him and he’s unworthy. Which is why he’s constantly insecure about the relationship and needs to protect them. Yuta believes himself to be weak, he sees himself as a weak person, and so in every situation he tends to assume he’s the weak one or a weak victim which makes it hard for him to see what he’s responsible in those situation. 

On the other hand Yuji takes almost too much repsonsibility. Rather than trying to depend on others, Yuji is always, running ahead on his own and that’s where he makes his mistakes.

He thought he was strong enough to take down Choso on his own. He wasn’t. He thought he was strong enough mentally to prevent Sukuna from rampaging, he wasn’t. Yuji’s mistakes always come from taking on more responsibility than he can handle, and then letting things fall out of his control. 

Yuta’s irresponsible because he sees himself as a victim and doesn’t understand how strong he is, Yuji’s irresponsible because he constantly overestimates what he himself can handle.

If you take the scene after Yuji dies the first time into account. Sukuna outlines several facts. One, that Yuji is not actually strong enough to suppress him. Two, that he rampaged against Megumi specifically because Yuji got cocky and tried to use his power without using a binding vow and think it through. Three, that Yuji overestimates himself and his capability to keep Sukuna down and because of it, he agrees to a simple terms of “If I defeat you inside my own body you revive me with no conditions” and then just immediately dies. 

All of this of course being foreshadowing for what happens after the Choso fight. Once again, Yuji overestimates himself and how he can win the fight fighting alone. Halfway through Yuji gets overwhelmed and Sukuna surfaces. When Sukuna surfaces he rampages, because Yuji did not even think of the possibility that Sukuna might rampage if he died or lost consciousness, and therefore there was no binding vow in place to stop him. It’s not because Yuji is a bad kid, but because he is a kid, and doesn’t know better. He acts like any fifteen year old would dealing with a 1000 year old spirit that’s much smarter than him. But it’s also a case of Yuji thinking everything comes down to strength and he can beat Sukuna just by being stronger, when Yuji actually solves none of his problems by fighting alone, and all of his major victories come from fighting together with others. 

Yuji and Yuta are even opposites in regards to their curses. Rika loves Yuta and wants to protect him. He loses control of her because he’s too scared to face her, and has no idea how to begin controlling his power, which is once again this flaw that Yuta’s fear is a fear of taking responsibility. Yuji on the other hand his curse Sukuna loathes his guts, and is constantly trying to undermine him. Yuji’s problem is again and again he’s proven to underestimate Sukuna, he’s not afraid enough of Sukuna because Yuji himself considers himself a strong person and overestimates what he can be responsible for. Rika is an ally outside of Yuta, and Sukuna is an enemy within Yuji. 

However, after going to such length to establish them as opposites they have one central similiarity. Both of them are incredibly lonely people. They can’t really make friends or connections normally. 

Yuta has this fear of living alone, and Yuji this fear of dying alone. 

They both only form relationships on the basis that they’re needed. Which is why Yuta goes so insane about protecting his friends. Which is why Yuji keeps focusing on death above all else, because that’s their true “purpose” that underlies their stated motivations. They’re both doing this because they are afraid of being alone.

However, they both need to prove that they are “worthy” of love. In order to do that, they need to be good, useful people. Thus they are heroes, thus they are good guys, thus they are protagonists. 

Yuji becomes so insanely motivated to fight after Sukuna’s rampage, because if he doesn’t help someone, if he doesn’t justify his decision to keep on living somehow they’re just a murderer. Both Yuta and Yuji don’t really care about the world or circumstances around them, they just want to be validated by the people around them.

Yuta is a deeply selfish person, because he just wants other people around him to tell him it’s okay to live. However, he’s also just a suicidal fifteen year old kid in the first place, any kid his age would feel that way, would need that support and he shouldn’t need to earn it. That’s what he misunderstands. However, Yuji and Yuta keep trying to seek external validation. They keep trying to earn love rather than having it given to them.

It’s what Yuta completely fails to internalize after his fight with Geto. The lesson he needed to learn was that there was more to the world around him than just protecting the people he loved, but it seems coming back to both of those people he loved being hurt has caused him to double down on “protecting the ones he loved” vs “thinking about what is justice”.Yuta’s still stuck in this mode where he has to earn love, and that becomes his first priority in everything.

The problem with making the decision to ignore justice is that you can end up at the wrong side of the equation. Yuji is Yuta. He’s another victim who allowed a curse to rampage because he was cursed as a teenager and could not control his own power and people ended up dying for it. 

However, because Yuta only understands that his friends have been hurt, and refuses to understand Yuji as both a victim and a person outside of himself he accepts his role of executioner.

Yuta was the person who was going to be executed a year ago. The only reason he didn’t was because Gojo gave him a chance and extended a helping hand. However we’re now seeing Yuta take the opposite path. he’s made the decision to become executioner, to not save when he himself was saved. Which is just sad because Yuta and Yuji are character foils.

 A conflict against Yuji, the other main character, is really just Yuta fighting himself. Yuta cannot forgive himself for the crime of being weak, and therefore he blames Yuji for being like he was a year ago. Yuta still doesn’t know how to stand strong on his own, to accept that his friends love him for who he is, so he’s still trying to earn love by avenging them and acting overprotective against Yuji, when we know Inumaki was friends with Yuji and probably would not want him to be hunted down and killed. 

Yuta and Yuji are both seemingly completely selfless people who can come off as rather self centered when you examine their deeper motivations (they do what they do, because they want to be loved and needed) but it doesn’t come from a place of ego, it’s just that they’re lonely. They can’t feel accepted for who they are so they both try to be heroes instead. 

[amysteriousmessenger]

Rfa comforting MC who thinks that she's useless, replaceable, boring, and feels so lonely

I’m going to add Saeran and V to this because this request really spoke to me and they would Definitely have something to say about it, I’ve been there too, anon. I guarantee that neither myself nor the RFA think you’re useless or replaceable or boring! I hope I did okay! 

Yoosung Kim with an insecure Reader Headcanons 

Yoosung knows what it’s like to feel lonely, and to feel like everyone just overlooks him. He knows how much it hurts and he just cannot stand the idea of you feeling like that. He also knows all too well what it’s like to feel powerless as the youngest member of the RFA.

He’d send write you little notes in your lunchbox saying how much he loves you, or would try to draw your face in ketchup on his omurice: even though it looks terrible, he put a lot of love into it.

He’s like a little puppy, the second he notices that you’re feeling sad he’s going to come bounding over to cheer you up, whether that’s doing something you like or asking if you want to join in on a LOLOL guild expedition.

He gets easily flustered trying to convey what he wants to tell you, but everything he does comes from the heart and the fact it aches over you feeling the same way he did during his darkest times before he met you.

He specifically wants you to know that you’re not replaceable, there’s only one of you and that means you’re extra special to him.

Zen/Hyun Ryu with an insecure Reader Headcanons

Firstly, Zen absolutely worships the ground that you walk on. He never knew that someone so beautiful and perfect and understanding could just stumble into his life, which is why his heart aches so much at hearing you’re feeling so many negative things.

For a moment, Zen would worry that he had caused this with his own narcissism. He’d worry that his need to big himself up out of anxiety would have caused you to push yourself down in comparison. Which is so, so untrue. He realises that it must be... difficult for you to hear him constantly talk about wonderful and handsome he is when you’re feeling so low about yourself. He wouldn’t necessarily stop because he can’t, but he’d try to be more considerate of your feelings.

Zen would go all out to make you feel special, he’d buy you flowers, tell you how gorgeous you are and how undeserving he is of you. Zen will let you know that no one makes him feel the way that you do, ‘in more ways that one’ he’ll add in a husky whisper before flashing a cheeky smirk.

He can’t always help that you feel lonely without him when he has rehearsals, so he’d try to make the time you have together feel even more special. Whilst he wants your undivided attention and gaze, he knows it’s not healthy for you and will encourage you to reach out to friends and Jaehee specifically when you’re feeling lonely. 

When he’s at work, he can’t usually answer his phone but he’ll always answer if you’re upset or worked up and need to talk to him about it. You’re his angel and he’s not going to let you cry without being there to soothe you.

He’d also make sure you know that regardless of how pretty you think his co-stars or backing dancers are, they don’t hold a candle to how beautiful he thinks you are.

Jaehee Kang with an insecure Reader Headcanons

Jaehee knows all too well what it’s like to feel lonely, replaceable and dull. She’s treated like a tool by Jumin, both in and out of hours since he acts like her work schedule is 24/7. She feels boring regardless, and feels like her only interests are coffee and Zen’s musicals. So, she doesn’t understand how someone as wonderful, creative, and interesting as you could possibly think of yourself as boring!

Jaehee would assure you that you’re anything but boring, and would do so by listing everything she can think of that she finds unique, special or interesting about you.

If anything she’s the one that feels replaceable because of how she’s treated at work and how bland she feels overall, she knows how cold that feels inside, so she would never let you feel the same way and wants you to know that.

She also would insist on you hearing her out when she says that you’re not useless, you’re extremely competent to balance everything that you need to during the day and that she admires you for being able to do that with a smile on your face.

It turns into a little bit of a comfort cuddle and cry on the sofa because you both understand how the other one feels and don’t want to see your partner hurting in such a way.

Jumin Han with an insecure Reader Headcanons

Jumin isn’t particularly good when it comes to comforting someone, especially since he’d never really received any sort of intimate comfort before meeting you. He’d go down what he sees as the best route, which is slightly analytical and factual than you probably wanted your reassurance to be.

He assures you that you’re not useless or boring, as no one with such qualities would ever have been able to catch his attention in the way that you did, let alone catch his heart with it.

He’d feel particularly unhappy with you viewing yourself as replaceable because you certainly are not replaceable to him. You opened up his eyes and heart to so much of the world he didn’t understand or felt closed off to. His father views partners as replaceable, Jumin most definitely does not as he will not have you thinking such a thing for even a moment with him.

He does feel apologetic that he works such long hours, and would try to make some re-adjustments to his schedule (much to Jaehee’s grief) to allow the two of you to spend more time together. If you’re up for it, he would also take you away on weekend vacations to be able to relax and enjoy one another’s company without stress.

Saeyoung Choi with an insecure Reader Headcanons

Seven absolutely does not understand how you could feel that way about yourself. You’re such a wonderful person to him, you cracked through his cold shell and loved him for him, even when he tried to push you away. He feels like the useless one, you could never be so.

He just wants to pull you close, cover every part of your body in a kiss and tell you how loved you are. Seven is absolutely someone that believes he can simply squeeze the sadness out of other people, and will attempt to do that with you whilst blowing raspberries into your shoulder. Don’t trust him, if you’re still sad after you’ve been squeezed, he will move on to tickling.

If you feel boring in comparison to seven’s eccentricity, he’ll assure you that you have to be weird to have been able to put up with him for this long, and weird is never boring! He thinks you’re so interesting and funny, he loves listening to your stories and about the things you like.

Once again, Seven understands loneliness. No one has seen him for who he truly is in a very long time, so he understands how isolating that can feel so he’d make a conscious effort to see you for who you are too. 

He’d try to finish his work quicker in future so that he can spend more time with you doing things that would make you happy, such as going on a date to the cinema or for a drive in one of his cars to a cliff where you can listen to music and stargaze on the hood of his car.

Saeran Choi with an insecure Reader Headcanons 

It would probably take Saeran a little while to figure out exactly what was wrong if you didn’t tell him. He’d understand that you were upset, and would try to distract and cheer you up but he’d struggle with specifics if you didn’t explain it to him. But god, it’s hurting him inside.

He had always been the useless one and so aggressively obsessed over it after having it be driven into him so many times that even hearing you refer to yourself as ‘useless’ is a little overwhelming for him and he has to have a time out to calm down.

You were the one who saved him from such a dark place and assured him that his worth does not come from his usefulness, and that he does not need to be useful to be worthy of love, so he tells your own lesson back to you and wants you to accept the same love you offered him.

When you tell him that you feel lonely, he’d initially get a little worried thinking that he wasn’t enough for you, but once you assured him that that wasn’t what you meant, he’d be more able to help. He’d try to invite you along to more of his favourite activities such as gardening and baking, and also ask if there was anything else that you wanted the two of you to do together.

If you need a cry, Saeran would simply hold you and let you cry out everything that you need to, since he knows the damage that can be caused by bottling everything up. He’ll mutter small reassurances that you’re not boring and that he’s already had too much excitement in his life as it is, he likes you just the way you are and that you could never be replaced to him.

V/Jihyun Kim with an insecure Reader Headcanons 

He cannot believe what you’re saying. He’s always thought you were absolutely, entirely perfect. He understands that you might not feel the same way about yourself but he wants to bathe you with so much love that you forget that you could have ever disliked the person he has so much unmatched devotion for.

V would want to do something special for you, to show you how precious you truly are to him. Whilst you were out one day, he’d have gathered every single picture he had ever taken of you and hung the loose images by threads from the ceiling. 

When you’d come home, he would have come behind you and covered your eyes before guiding you into the room and presenting you with... yourself. V takes you through each picture, and god there are so many, and tells you the date, what was happening at that moment, and how he felt about you when taking that picture. 

There are so many different photographs, with so many different emotions captured; happiness, sadness, pleasure, melancholy, excitement, ecstasy, mystery... But the emotion that V always explained himself with was Love, adoration. These memories could never be replaced, and neither could you.

[reverielix]

Bang chan as a boyfriend based on his chart?

Sure ;)))

Let’s get straight into it!💭

I’ve been wanting to talk about his interceptions/duplications for some time, and now it finally fits haha!!😊 His Venus is intercepted and...let’s say that his chart (+ Saturn singleton and other aspects) poses some obstacles for romantic relationships, and suggests a personal transition/journey he has to go through in order to even allow himself to experience romantic love and affection....🤭

Scorpio is intercepted in the 6th house in his chart while Taurus is intercepted in the 12th house. Capricorn makes up for it and rules both the 8th and 9th house as Cancer rules both the 2nd and 3rd house. So what does that mean?

First of all, the qualities associated with Scorpio and Taurus are hard for him to access as they weren’t taught or understood at an early age. This can further suggest that he experienced a lack of love and tenderness, while receiving criticism, (Saturn singleton, 6th house stellium, Chiron in the 6th makes him extremely sensitive to criticism, he started young as a trainee and went through monthly evaluations and such for 7 years!) which probably influenced his self-perception, as he already has low self-esteem and lots of self-doubt implied in his interception, which suggests a need for validation and extra-love, though he was given the opposite. Moreover, he could’ve had issues forming an opinion and sticking to it (supported by his Libra placements), fully devoting himself in a relationship (any type, Mars conjunct 7th house) and leaving his comfort zone. Lack of privacy, fear of loss and struggles regarding finances/recourses may have also occurred in his life. These aspects in regard to the 6th and 12th houses hint at an unstable and insecure environment as a result of lacking routine (e.g. going to sleep at odd hours with Pisces and Virgo here) and giving into bad habits. Something generally big in his chart is his insecurity and deceiving perception of himself as well as his ways of coping (intercepted Taurus, Saturn singleton, Virgo Chiron,... surpresses/ignores feelings or ignores them). He may use his self-doubt and criticism from both others and himself as a “fuel” for his determination and work-ethic to try and prove others and a part of himself wrong. Although one might argue that using negativity to grow from it is benificial, he harms himself subconsciously by having that mindset, since when a) he fails, like all of us do sometimes, he will fall into a pit of self-hatred or b) he achieved a goal, but after it, he’ll still be unsatisfied and want more. It always ends back where he started; craving for UNCONDITIONAL love, but he won’t give himself that type of love (unconditional love can also be associated with Neptune, which is in retrograde in his chart, and can contribute to hyper-awareness of his own wrongs). The love he gives himself is conditional and situational, which he adapted from all the lack of love and criticism and makes him feel like he will never be enough. A big lesson he has to learn is that his work/success doesn’t define him, and he is enough without his awards and wins. He’s an amazing person just being himself, and once he realizes that he deserves unconditional love, he will also be a step further to allow love to come his way. (You can’t come from a place of hatred and expect love to come out at the end!)

In terms of his Venus and his 7th house conjunctions, I can see how he craves love deeply and intensely, he craves privacy and validation, though with intercepted planets the individual isn’t allowed or suppresses a core-part of their personality. In Chan’s case, he suppresses his longing for romantic love and relationships as he is taught to focus on his work (he channels all his energy through his Saturn singleton, work is existential to him) rather than his need for affection, because “I don’t deserve love anyway” (conditional self-love, damaged awareness of self-worth). He perhaps doesn’t consciously know who he is looking for, but craves stability, (a routine to help him feel comfortable, as he values that with his Cancer and Capricorn duplications, but we’ll get to that later) sensuality, validation, appreciation, inspiration, acceptance and most importantly: love! In terms of Taurus here, which is intercepted and is ruled by Venus, I can see how a big life lesson is to value and appreciate his materialistic possessions and achievements that originated from hard work. He needs to learn how to feel appreciative of his past efforts and learn to feel satisfied with himself and his past efforts as well as allow himself to rest.

His Saturn singleton in conjunction with what I’ve discussed previously briefly points out; he channels his entire energy though his work, through restrictions, through his reputation and his ambition. (This Placement fits perfectly with him being on stage. He performs with such purpose, with such determination and devotion by using his body (Aries), and most importantly with his group (11th house).) The Pluto Mars conjunction also hints at Chan being a very devoted individual, who can get engulfed in his task and even isolate himself when doing something he’s passionate about. His Saturn is also in retrograde, which internalizes this placement and makes him very conscious about his success, reputation and overall misery and hardship that he wants to (perhaps aggressively or boldly) take action on and improve all the time. He fears letting people down and wants to live up to their expectations, while often letting himself down in the process, which feeds into his conditional self-love and lack of self-acceptance. He sets limits for himself, when actually, he wants to be free, because he lives in fear of not being enough and fulfilling people’s expectations of him as he wants to have a good reputation and success, be better than all the authority figures with criticizing eyes he’s been exposed to all his life. A contradiction within himself here is that he doesn’t want people to tell him what to do, he doesn’t like being pushed around and wants to be his own boss, but as soon as somebody expects something of him or questions his authority, he wants to prove them wrong and so does what they want. He is a pushover, in a way, but is consciously very resistant toward rules and boundaries other authority figures set for him to follow. Additionally, valuing tradition and following a routine (6th house interception) can be hard for him (especially when it comes to sleep, 12th house). Further interpreting, his Sun (Libra, 5th house) is opposite his Saturn, which can indicate a gap in self-perception that I touched on in the previous paragraph, outlining his rather subconscious (12th house interception, so this part is more “hidden” from him, while the 12th house is already hard to access in the first place) way of self-destruction considering his way with doubt and criticism and how it will forever remain a spiral of negativity that results in no progress if he doesn’t understand he is deserving of UNconditional love). Additionally, he might believe he can only be loved when he performs well and succeeds, which is obviously not true, though it is a big life lesson for him to truly understand that, with his 12th house interception and his tendency to ignore his intuition/spirituality to listen to the logics (air signs and other). He can escape this spiral of negativity by learning this big lesson; he is worthy, he deserves love, he deserves privacy, he deserves care (from himself and others).

Ways to “unlock interceptions” and learn the previously mentioned life lessons are to look at the “directors” (the signs that rule the intercepted houses, so in Chan’s case it’s Libra and Aries), the duplications and take into consideration his intercepted Chiron. First, let’s look at his 6th house ruler: Libra. Libra ruling the 6th house is usually a sign of self-care in a physical sense and beauty and care in everyday routine, pets or a desire of taking care of one. Though, with his Saturn singleton in Aries (opposite Libra) I can see how he works too much and disregards his mental and physical health (12th house would be mental health here). A helpful way of dealing with this is arranging a routine in which he assembles self-care and private time (he had a lack of, which the interceptions point at) to feel instead of brushing his emotions off (12th house interception). He will feel lonely. He longs for love with his Pluto conjunction his descendant, he can even become obsessive about it and feel the need to be with somebody. But as long as he doesn’t understand he deserves UNconditional love from most importantly himself, he won’t be able to allow (healthy) love in his life and recognize when he isn’t being treated the right way, because he pushes others away and has no clarity of what he deserves. In this routine that I have previously mentioned, where he shall implement self-care and privacy, he needs to give himself time to feel and not push his emotions away anymore. And as he accepts his emotions and turmoil, this 12th house part that we all have (this part that Billie addresses in idontwannabeyouanymore), that is hurt and deals with all the things we brush off in a “call me what you wanna, ‘cause I’ve probably called me worse.” way (self-criticism with the Chiron in the 6th — as Chiron is also healing and the 6th house comes together with routine and stability, I can see how this fortifies my claim — and interceptions). When he lets himself feel, accepts his negative feelings and takes care of himself, he will learn to love ALL of him (also his “demon” and will learn to access his 12th house). Through all of this, he will trust himself and his intuition more, learn to use both his brain & heart — here I think it’s remarkable that Melanie has multiple Taurus placements and a Scorpio rising — as the line between reality and delusion isn’t blurry anymore. Listening to his intuition, he will start to feel comfortable with himself and the things and people around him. He will learn to surround himself with the things he feels comfortable with, and not only “should” (brain). This is a big desire: comfort. His Cancer/Capricorn duplications leave him longing for a home, though as long as he doesn’t feel at home with himself, he won’t feel at home anywhere (ties in with 2nd house Cancer and his self-esteem being ruled by the moon with a desire for comfort). And when he learned to love, accept and feel comfortable with himself, he will allow love into his life and not push anyone away anymore (he will learn that it doesn’t matter if he failed or not, if he worked hard enough or not: he deserves love and care like he gives it to others). This is how he could “unlock” his Venus, perhaps. Regarding his Neptune retrograde in the 9th; in conjunction with his 12th house being intercepted, he needs to learn to create a sleep pattern that is healthy and provides him with enough rest. This will then also strengthen his trust and intuition.

Also, his Pluto Mars conjunction conjunct his 7th can imply that whenever he experiences hurt or is left by somebody else, he can transition this pain and obstacle into power and drive, motivation with which he approaches new relationships. This ties in with the dominant role that Saturn plays in his life, as Saturn is essentially working hard through hurdles and misery to come out successful.

So, now that we’ve established that his chart is challenging in regards to his love life and really just anything, we can get into the actual thing haha

⇢ confession/beginning stages

His Libra Sun and Mercury in the 5th, Gemini rising and Aquarius mc can give him a very playful and airy first impression

He is generally attracted to mannerism, soft spokenness and gentleness, as he also likes showing these parts of himself to romance others haha

Would probably take it slow and not rush into relationships (would take a while to confess, he first has to relish in the feeling of having a crush lol)

He might want to introduce himself as the fun and flirty version of himself, though I feel like he’d be way less bold than Minho (he’s a shy Libra bean) — it doesn’t mean he’s “acting” or anything. That’s just as much him as is every other part of his chart.

I don’t think his Venus would shine through in the beginning (I’d be more his air signs taking the lead, talking away and vibing lol) He’d most likely keep it light and nice on the first date, show off his manners yk👀

His intercepted Venus stressed that it would take him a lot of work to let himself freely express his love language and refrain from bottling it up

But once he does let himself express his love freely, during his confession or an intimate moment, it would fizz all up

His confession may be very thought through and planned, though in the moment, he’d just improvise anyway and fizz up like a bottle of sparkling water under too much pressure from holding back everything

Heartfelt confessions are his specialty, though he’d probably get very emotional

Scorpio is already kind of a wild sea, waves hitting the stones, but that interception would just contribute to this inner tension and turmoil

Once he feels attraction toward somebody, it can be very intense, even scary at times

His confession would be the one of a young boy who feels love for the very first time, intense and emotional, maybe clumsy

Though he’d mean every word

He’s just such a loving and caring person,,,,I’m not crying you are because even astrology says he’s nurturing and lovely

⇢ overall behavior in relationship

I feel like this short fic describes it pretty well haha (I read it and immediately thought of his Scorpio Venus interception)

It could be scary for him to be in love with somebody and go past the first, flirty phase

He’d be very devoted and give his all in the relationship (like how Minho would)

Just with the exception that Minho is pretty aware of this part of himself and embraces it with confidence

Though Chan on the other hand would get to know himself in another light

His emotions would fizz up, as he’s held the desire for love back for way too long (his Libra placements and especially his Pluto descendant conjunction have been begging him) and he could perhaps find the intensity of his romantic feelings scary or shocking

His Pluto descendant conjunction gives him a transformative feature. He can be drawn to relationships in which power dynamics can become toxic, though he has the skill to take the pain and transform himself from a hurting to a more powerful person in control. This can be something to look out for when he hasn’t yet gone through the lesson of acceptance and love for himself as his little self-esteem can be abused by a partner with this placement (Also, his Taurus interception hints at a lack of self-worth and boundaries, just like his 12 and 6th house interceptions do, as he can have issues recognizing when something is happening to him that is not right and he doesn’t deserve). Pluto conjunct the descendant can also hint at a partnership in which both partners are very successful and work together toward wealth, success and a comfortable home. His Venus is intercepted and this aspect points at, amongst other things, an unknowingness when it comes to an ideal type or what someone looks for in relationships. The Pluto descendant conjunction and Venus placement suggest that he is subconsciously on the outlook for or especially attracted by somebody who he can work hard together with and is devoted to the relationship and him. He may end up with somebody very successful and wealthy, who transforms him deeply as this person can feel to him like they are too intense for words to describe them.

His Mars conjunct his Pluto and the descendant accentuates what I previously said as he tends to express his drive and motivation in one-to-one relationships, which can bring a passion and determination into a relationship. He tends to get swallowed up by what he does, oftentimes forgets time or a sense of when to stop when he’s especially motivated or passionate about something. In a relationship that could mean a great deal of loyalty and devotion as well as proactiveness when it comes to achieving shared goals and fulfilling shared desires.

His Venus is in a square aspect with his Neptune, which is in retrograde. As I have discussed before, he needs to give himself time to let himself feel. Here it is suggested that there can be a cloud where certain feelings lie. He has a hard time accessing his subconscious, dreams, spirituality and intuition (in conjunction with his 12th house and Neptune rx he, as he has also confirmed, doesn’t have a good relationship with sleep). He has difficulty with his feelings and recognizing, accepting and embracing them. He can be prone to deception and misjudgment (reality and delusion are blurred, as I said previously and also mentioned a way to “unlock” that). Here it’s possible he may choose a partner not right for him, somebody who deludes him into that tale of an intense and powerful bond as his Venus interception also suggests, as already mentioned; he doesn’t consciously know who he’s looking for. He simply craves love and a comfortable, successful future and tends to see that in people who are not for him. It may be hard for him to feel fulfilled if he doesn’t feel fulfilled with himself yet and also because of this deceptiveness he tends to have.

All these things, the 7th house, Pluto, Scorpio, Mars and the interceptions are very much rooted within him. Having watched this video (I would highly recommend you to check her channel out if you’re into astrology!) on shadows and blind spots in astrology, I realized that love and Chan’s attitude toward love is deeply rooted in him. It can be a sensitive topic and bring out blind spots, parts of himself that he doesn’t really know or want to except. He may push his s/o away for bringing out these deeply rooted and emotionally triggering as well as intense things and shining a light on these aspects he dislikes and rejects about himself. He can live in denial of his longing for love and behavior in love as well as his desires, and be protective over these things. This can express itself in engagement with toxic endeavors and relationships. A build-up of jelousy, rage, vengeance and other negative qualities associated with especially Scorpio can come into play. He may be in denial of them and hardly even be able to access these parts, though I feel like in relationships, these qualities are prone to explode in his chart, as he is also likely to bottle anger up and avoid conflict. Maybe he has a hard time staying with somebody, though he is a devoted lover, because he can’t address the problems rooted within himself and rather projects them onto others in one-to-one relationships. Again, though, when he lets himself feel all these negative feelings, all the hurt and aggression, he can transform into a very powerful person and change who he is on a deeper level. These placements, which are tightly conjunct with love and relationships, point at the most vulnerable and scariest parts of him. Confronting scary parts and being brave is the key here!

His Venus interception, if not resolved, (though even when it’s resolved, it won’t forever be gone,) poses obstacles in love style and overall behavior in specifically romantic relationships. He may be shy and tapping into the unknown as he can be clumsy and confused in love. Like a boy loving for the first time, he will have issues expressing his love in a way he feels like is true to himself or feels comfortable. He has difficulty accessing Scorpio qualities and since his Venus lies in Scorpio, I can see him also bursting sometimes. As in, one day he’s more cold and holds back and on another day he showers his s/o with all the love. He can be very intense in love, especially on these days where he just can’t hold back anymore, where this intensity fizzes up.

I think he’d run into a lot of problems finding somebody who is right for him, but once he’s figured it out, he will be such a devoted partner with a passion to proactively work on the relationship and shared goals and desires. He will work hard for the relationship, just like he does for everything, because after all, that’s how he expresses himself with his Saturn singleton; through work and dedication. Love can be life-changing for him. But emotional highs and lows can occur as he “transitions” and continues to grow. It can often be a deep transformation that can feel like death and rebirth. This is the thing I’ve talked about earlier: he is self-destructive (and can also project these denied things about himself onto others) as he tries holding things associated to Mars, Pluto, the 7th house and Scorpio in his chart back/in. The interception being “unlocked” doesn’t make it disappear though — he’ll still be struggling with it and find it hard to address his emotions, establish routine or take care of himself as he gets lost in his passion and work-ethic.

Lastly, we cannot forget that the 5th house, the Sun, the Moon and the 2nd house usually play a big role concerning love in the birth chart as well. Most of these placements reflect how he knows himself and identifies with certain traits. All the previous things I’ve discussed are things hidden and deeply-rooted in his persona that he can have difficulties recognizing and coping with. So let’s jump into the parts of himself that he’s more comfortable with and more aware of, which also implies a more direct and conscious expression of the following aspects. As I already said referring to the first stages; he approaches romance in a flirty, gentle, fun and romantic way. He may enjoy going on dates a lot, meeting new people, being open-minded and generally gets along with most. He just has an easy time with romance in general as he possesses a natural way with words, though shyly, and a characteristic ability to attract many. It could be that he sees it as a priority to keep the romance alive, so he will keep arranging dates and such all throughout the relationship. Somebody with Libra placements or traits can make him feel special and admired, understood even. He can be a good advisor, great at giving compliments or a “therapist figure” to his partner, and is generally very giving. Good for him would be somebody who gives him validation, reminds him of his self-worth, respects his personal space and creates an environment of privacy and intimacy that’s in a way secret and visatable to only him and his s/o. Somebody who provides comfort, care and affection. (Something else would be conditional love. He could base love off of fairness and imply conditions, which both his Libra placements and his Neptune rx suggest, as Neptune can represent unconditional love and the “merging” of two souls. His Venus in the 6th can also suggest high expectations that hold him back from forgiving his partner’s mistakes and flaws as he could hold a grudge or hold these mistakes against his partner in future affairs.) He may also show his affection in a more practical way with gifts, acts of service and touch.

⇢ dates

I can see him being pretty spontaneous haha. Sagittarius is on the cusp of the 7th house and his Pluto and Mars, which are conjunct his 7th, are also in Sagittarius, so he may enjoy little trips into other cultures with his partner to relax a bit from work. Also, let’s not forget, he has his Sun and Mercury in his 5th and many personal Libra placements, he’s a big romantic. It’s how he knows himself, how he shows himself, how he communicates and how he feels. I thought I’d mention this part of his personality, because it’s the most straight-forward and commonly known “version” of Chan, even to himself. Since a partner tends to bring out 7th house qualities and motivate a person to be less their ascendant (the person they were motivated to be as a child or in their early lives) and more a “hidden” version of themselves (so in Chan’s case more bigger-picture-oriented or in favor of getting to know new cultures instead of only taking short road trips,...). So, here’s a little scenario in 1st person (just skip it if you’re not into flash fiction haha):

After 17 hours of flights and waiting, a hard-bedspring hotel mattress seemed a dream, but “the stars shine bright tonight,” Chan smiled

So instead of a douvet, a beach towel pressed against our backs

It had been 2 months, and though it was only an extended weekend, I was gonna spend every second enjoying him and Montpellier.

“I still hate that I forgot my dress.”

“You look better in my jacket anyway.”

The waning moon painted the sea, shone in his eyes

“Can’t have a cute French guy steal my baby.” Sweater paws covered his dimples, but his eyes told in the way they winged up

“Never.”

The Scorpio and Pluto conjunction is coming through🤭

Taper candle lit and polyester napkin folded into a lotus, we sipped on the nicest sounding wine the menu offered.

He laughed with gold in the eyes, an Italian-style suit and curls on his forehead.

“I’ll get whatever they do.” He tilted his head as shadows traced his dimples. The waiter rose his brows.

“I’d like...uhm...Beu- Boeuf bouuu-” Letters morphed into each other, a strand fell.

“Boeuf Bourguignon. Oui, ready in a minute, madame, monsieur.” He left behind an onion smell.

When Chan reached for Ficelle slices, sleeves were loose on his suit.

“This garlic spread’s nice.”

“So nice, you’ve got to have it on your face?”

He covered his face with the sleeves as he wiped

And then some of the spread ends up on his sleeve lol

If life is a movie // Oh you’re the best part.

11:23pm

D-Major vibrated off his acoustic guitar, and his voice accompanied mine through the last chorus

The mattress was softer than expected and his voice fuzzier than I’d remembered.

Love me, won’t you “ever leave me”

Guitar on the bedside table, his arms enclosed me. Nowhere else would I have rather been. (Lol sorry for being cheesy)

Also can we just appreciate his TALENT for a second like this man gives me goosebumps with that tone and his stunning vocal stability☁️💗

Additional small thought; I think with his Sun conjunct his Mercury in the 5th, he isn’t only good at communication, thinks a lot and is proud of it, but also probably talks to himself haha

Feel free to lmk your own thoughts on this post as well as other aspects concerning his chart, let’s chat!💫

//I also want to add that, yes, without the possibility of him using his birth chart to his advantage and making his “demons” a controlled part of him that he turns for the better, he does have a very difficult love life focused on business and unhealthy power dynamics in which he would most likely be the one seeking control, considering his libra placements as well as the significance of Saturn in his birth chart suggesting that he feels the constant need to conform to societal norms for self-esteem reasons and others talked about above like the Saturn retrograde.//

[pandawriterstuff]

Pinehallow Summary & Character List

This is my main WIP, if I'm complaining about characters doing whatever they want, this is them.

Pinehallow Summary-Monty, an eleven year old boy who has spent most of his life traveling from place to place with his in-demand lawyer mother, Irene, is sent to live at his uncle's horse ranch because she thinks he needs roots. Used to nearly everyone but his mother not being around long enough to get to know, Monty is more than a bit uncertain about this. But in scrambling to find his place in a town different to anything he's ever known, he finds friends, both human and animal, makes discoveries, and even manages to foil a plot against Pinehallow Ranch itself.

Character List

Monty (Montgomery) Cade Waller- Main character, 11, white. Monty is curious, bright, and more than a little awkward. He has a tendency to state the obvious, which can be endearing or annoying depending on your perspective. Big vocabulary and grown-up way of speaking because he’s spent more time around grown-ups than other kids. He’s quietly stubborn, particularly when it comes to being told he’s wrong when he knows he’s right. Insecure about socializing and friendships because of constant moving and traveling. Can’t hold a grudge for the life of him, even when he likely should. He likes bugs, birds and turtles, would rather read nonfiction than a story. Fills lonely afternoons with sketching, nature sketching on the ranch.

Irene Waller- Monty’s mother, 36, white. Irene is a powerful corporate lawyer, either full of energy or exhausted, never in between. She loves using words to sway minds and deciphering documents to find exactly what the opposition doesn’t want her to find. Sometimes Irene wishes she was using her skills in more meaningful ways, but also really likes the money, the traveling, and the competition. Has an almost encyclopedic knowledge of show tunes from musicals. She has a hard time letting people get close. Would stab someone for her baby, but knows it’s better to teach him to stab for himself. Only partially joking. Dolly Parton is her hero, and as much as she loves her music, it’s Dolly the business woman and Dolly the philanthropist that she strives to emulate.

Keith Waller- Monty’s uncle, 34, white. Horse Rancher. Keith loves working hard and getting dirty, and if he’s not exhausted at the end of the day he’ll be looking for something else to push him there. Otherwise he gets antsy. Loves animals and absolutely will not tolerate anyone mistreating any of the animals on his ranch-ordinarily he’s very careful of his size and strength, in that situation, all bets are off. Times that by about ten for any of the ‘barn rats’ that help around the ranch for riding lessons/time. Loves romantic comedies and telanovas and doesn’t care who knows it. Keith doesn’t read a lot, it never came easy to him, but if he’s taking a long trip he’ll always check an audio book or two out of the library instead of just relying on the radio.

Juniper - Keith’s goddaughter, 15, white. She has a calm, confident personality with a smile for most everyone she meets. If she doesn’t have a smile for you and it isn’t because her head is in the clouds over a girl, you’ve probably earned her scorn and will be ignored as much as possible. Juniper raises rabbits and it’s taught her patience, and a lot about unfairness when a kit doesn’t make it. She helps out with riding lessons at the ranch in exchange for riding time of her own, and has become a fixture, spending more time there than she does at home, and when she can get away with it, school. Loves sunflowers and her sunflower comforter is probably her most prized possession.

Nell - Caretaker/cook for the ranch house(would cooking lunch for the workers still be a thing on a modern ranch?). 38, white(?). Not about to put up with nonsense. Will make you cookies if she doesn’t have to put up with nonsense. Please. At one point she wanted to be a chef and has a year of culinary school under her belt, but quickly decided the super fast paced and competitive environment wasn’t for her. Anything that was making her hate one of her favorite things that fast could not be good for a person. She intends to live a long, long life and that kind of stress can just walk right out of the door. Loves to go on long walks, often into the hills (BLM land) behind the ranch. (maybe she was taught/took a class on foraging, and teaches Monty to find wild onions and stuff? But this would mean *I* have to learn about foraging in Idaho.) This leads to a contented, if often silent, companionship between her and Monty, who desperately wants to explore/record/sketch everything about the natural world of his new home, particularly the parts that are off limits to him without an adult along.

Ray- Family Friend/Co-Owner of R & M General (designed to feel vintage, but shiny. Bit of a tourist stop now, they decided to lean into it.), 50, Black. He uses his background in chemistry to make amazing looking candies and chocolates, using that to deal with a time he used it in less pleasant ways when he was in the military. He never expected anybody outside of his small town, or maybe the folks at the county fair to make so much fuss over them. This might embarrass him, if he weren’t so delighted. A cheerful man with a dreamer’s heart, a magazine once referred to him as a small town Willy Wonka. He dotes on his wife, often making and gifting her small surprises. An amputee in honor of my Grandpa (missing left leg at the knee, possibly missing one arm as well, but I’m not sure how that would affect candy making.). Has certain parts of his past he just doesn’t talk about.

Mavis- Co-Owner of ____ with Ray, 48, Black. Fierce and kind in equal measures, Mavis believes in protecting what’s hers, and as far as she’s concerned the entire town of (oh my god, it needs a name) is included in that. Mavis is very selective about the battles she fights, but when she chooses one she throws herself in whole-heartedly. On several committees around town, she’d be on more, but then she wouldn’t have enough time to really get into the work of the ones she loves. She knits in her limited free time, often while listening to the news, but sometimes opera. Has started knitting stuffies in the shapes of the more unusual candies Ray makes, it’s silly, but fun, and tourists and the local kids love it. Still head over heels for Ray, even though his often dreaming about things for ages instead of just doing them is also still baffling to her.

Leanna - Juniper’s sort-of girlfriend, 15, Vietnamese. Quiet, a little cynical, but very empathetic. She avoids the news because it’s that or be mad and want to cry all the time-until she hears about something she can’t not research, and goes on a 24 hour google search and learns far more than is probably good for her about a species going extinct due to logging in prohibited areas, or genocide being covered up by claims of violent uprisings. She loves manga and comics. Leanna sometimes tries for a cottagecore* type aesthetic, but mostly thinks it's too much work. She’s starting to worry about what she’s going to do with her future, and people telling her that she’s only 15 and doesn’t have to worry about it yet is NOT HELPING.

*even though cottagecore isn’t a thing in the early-mid 2000s this is maybe/vaguely set in. Shh, let me have this. Anne of Green Gablesesque maybe?

Winnie - Leanna’s mom, 45, Vietnamese. Widow? A little ditzy, but a lot loving. Everyone in town is convinced she’s the stoner type of hippy, but no one minds as she’s someone who truly wants to know how you’re doing when she asks and strangely almost always has very spot on advice. She’s rarely on time anywhere, but that’s because she’ll have stopped to talk, and often to help, whoever she’s run into. Leanna and her bicker over this when she’s late picking her up. Always wears bright colors. Loves Agatha Christie books. Calls everyone, even people 50 years older than her, hon.

Logan - Juniper’s stepdad, 40, white. Kind of a jerk, but most of the jerky things he says are actually jokes that fall flat or have simply gotten old. Tries really hard, like *really* hard, but has a tendency to get annoyed if people don’t appreciate his efforts right away-more in his personal life than professional, possibly because of his profession. A contractor, hard worker, loyal, has worked for the same company since he was twenty even though they don’t often treat him right. Sometimes tries to buy people’s affections. Wants to have better communication with Juniper, but it’s gotten really hard the last few years and he’s never quite sure why.

Candice - Juniper’s Mom, 39, white, works at a nursery that sells seedlings and baby fruit trees, has a cheerful, calm personality, but a lot softer and more lowkey than Juniper’s version. Very house proud, but has a ‘maximalist’ approach to decorating-everything is in its place, but there are places for lots of things. Loves spending time outdoors, but would rather spend it tending her garden than hiking or riding, preferably with a cup of tea by her side. On the weekends, a fruity beer or wine instead. Wants to go on one of those train rides where you get to drink wine, eat canapes and try to solve a mystery, thinks Winnie might be a good candidate for someone to go with her.

Ura - a ‘barn rat’, 12 and a half, white(maybe a Czech immigrant? 2nd generation?) . A cheerful, rough and tumble boy who is always climbing things, and often being told to stop when he gets too high for other people's comfort. Ura is fearless when it comes to physical feats, but has a fear of ‘slimy’ things like worms and frogs. He has a thick layer of pudge and a big appetite, but is athletic and strong enough that anyone bullying him over it would be doing it at their own peril. Not that he’s the type to start fights, or even finish them most of the time. Doesn’t feel he quite fits in with his family, who are all more serious, reserved people. Redwood is his favorite of the horses, and Keith has all but given up on telling him that sitting on the floor of Red’s stall to talk to the horse isn’t exactly safe.

Elliot - Ray and Mavis’s son, Black, 19 and a college student-maybe/probably at U of I. Lives on campus, but comes home at least a couple weekends a month. Has an older car that he and Ray fixed up together, that is his pride and joy. Quiet, with an irreverent sense of humor that he unleashes somewhat at random. Interested in robotics, engines and mechanics and generally has some project he’s working on, a piece of which may or may not be in his pocket. Often has oil, grease, or ink on his hands, either from working on or designing a new project. A bit of an overachiever, he can spread himself thin trying to live up to all his responsibilities at once. He’s best friends with Randy, a friendship his parents want to disapprove of, because the few times Elliot’s gotten into trouble not only was Randy there, but 99% of the time whatever it was is Randy’s idea, but never quite manage too.

Randy - Handyman at the ranch, mixed race Hispanic and white, 21. Technically head handyman, because the old head retired six months ago, and is a little young/inexperienced for the job, but he’s not the type to back away from a challenge and has risen to the occasion beautifully. Loves rock and metal music, and spends a lot of his free weekends at concerts, the ones crammed into little venues and bars where people are practically on top of each other and the beat is so loud and solid it throbs through you, connecting you to everyone even before you hit the mosh pit, are his preference. He’s been working at the ranch since he was 16, and feels like he has a claim on it, not afraid to speak up if he thinks a decision Keith is making isn’t right or that he isn’t taking something important into consideration. Can be a bit wild when he’s not being the responsible one, definitely doesn’t always think before he acts.

Alma - Local artist/worker at R & M’s, Hispanic, 25. Alma is a painter and poet, a confident young woman who’s figured out that half of surviving as an artist is being your own agent/a salesperson as well, and in addition to several shelves at the R & M that hold postcard prints of many of her pieces, both the coffee shop and cafe have some of her larger paintings displayed, and she always has a booth at the Saturday market, though the majority of her sales come from her website. Alma is cheerful, and likes to tease, and growing up the middle child of four brothers, is very able to hold her own in verbal sparring. She’s close with her family, still living with her parents, and while at first her father was dismayed at her choice of career, he now hands out her business card to basically everyone he talks to.

Miriam - Nell’s Mom, white, 71, a little deaf, speaks loudly, partially because of the deafness, partially because she spent too long letting other people push her around and when she hit about 50 decided she was going to be the one talking over people now. She’s earned it. Age has made her more delicate than she likes, bruising and scraping easily, but she’s determined to do most things for herself. Those that are beyond her she has no problem loudly ordering someone else to take care of. Volunteers a lot, often fosters kittens for the local animal shelter. Used to chain smoke, quit when Nell was a teenager because she kept leaving pictures of diseased lungs everywhere. Still uses the candy ones as a substitute.

Places

Unnamed Town- Somewhere in Latah County, Idaho, where there is not already a town in the way. Around 200 years old and has grown and shrunk and grown again, and currently has a population of about 12,000. Having grown out from a traditional mainstreet, _______ no longer has the western style boardwalk seen in old pictures, but it does have a large cluster of local businesses and ‘hot spots’ still along that old main street, a coffee shop, a diner, a combination bookshop and independent library, a hardware store, a bar, a few places I haven’t thought of yet, and of course R & M General. There is a historical barn half a mile or so away from mainstreet that has been converted into a theater/meeting hall/dance hall, and a community center was added onto it in the early 90’s. During the summer there is a farmer’s market on the property every Saturday. The elementary school and junior high are all on one property, several miles out of town, because the majority of families live on farms, ranches or small rural properties rather than in one of the neighborhood clusters in the town itself. The junior high is 7th, 8th and 9th graders, in a newer two story building, and the elementary school is divided into lower and upper elementary with the bracket shaped building basically being cut in half, K-3 on one side and 4-6 on the other. The high school is outside of town on the other side by several miles, and actually serves kids from another town(s) as well. There is also a trailer park with about forty units, not exactly sure where it is yet, but Miriam(Nell’s Mom) lives there. There is also an animal shelter, a vet’s office, a cemetery, and a couple churches, and I’m sure more things to come.

R & M General (working title?)- Ray and Mavis’s store, a general store with a candy focused twist. A vintage Pepsi sign, neon still bright, and a charming green glass juke-box filled with hits from the 1940’s onward grace the front porch of the R & M, along with a long bench that locals are encouraged to use for a spell or to listen to a couple songs, provided they can behave themselves (teenagers arguing over who their favorite member of the rat pack is might be amusing, considering they were already ‘mom and dad’, or at least older brother and sister, music by the time Mavis and Ray were teenagers, but when they get loud it also gets annoying.). The store itself still has the original wooden counter up front and built-in shelves along the walls, but all refinished and polished to a high shine. A mixture of display types going down the middle of the store, barrels and baskets filled with skeins of colorful yarn and cloth or Mavis’s knitted stuffies(and during winter sometimes socks and mittens), other sewing and craft supplies, display racks with local arts, postcards and carvings, sometimes wind up toys made by Elliot, and of course many, many displays of candies and chocolates. They also have a lot of dry goods, and some of the simpler candy types have little instruction booklets and the ingredients it takes to try out making them yourself stocked in the same display, drink coolers, and sometimes have local produce available. Basically, they have a bit of everything, except for building equipment/home repair supplies, and that’s because of the hardware store across the street.

Pinehallow Ranch-A sprawling 100 acre ranch in Latah County, Idaho where the Waller family has been doing something or other with horses for four generations now. Originally it was a horse breeding ranch, but Keith and Irene’s grandfather felt the money was in training horses, and offered boarding as well, and Keith has continued to build that up, offering lessons for a variety of styles, ages, and skill levels. Butting up against BLM land that allows additional grazing and trail riding, the ranch has four pastures, a large corral, a medium sized indoor arena and two horse barns, one for boarded horses and one for the ranch's own stock, and an equipment barn, an old bunkhouse that is mostly used to store feed-though Randy has slept there when in between places, mostly unbeknownst to Keith-and some smaller equipment sheds, placed where they’re needed. The main house is an L-shaped ranch house with a porch that goes around the entire long front of the house with a large herb/kitchen and rock garden arranged around that. There are treed pockets scattered here and there, left alone as the rest of the ranch was developed, but the creek Monty and Juniper sometimes hang out at is on BLM land, as is most of the forested area around the ranch.

Pinehallow Taglist @sleepysera @enchanted-lightning-aes @odysseywritings @thegreatobsesso @writing-is-a-martial-art and @hiitsolivia If anyone else wants to be added just interact with the post :) (My more advanced tumblr knowledge has led me to believe this is better than asking people to reblog/comment to be added, but if I'm wrong just let me know.)

[sepublic]

Amity Ramblings

           For my –current- read on Amity, one important thing to consider for myself is that she would NEVER speak up against an authority figure… at least not at this point in time, as of writing this. In episode 3, Amity is clearly frustrated over the Abomination Teacher flippantly giving the Top Student badge to Willow, and then she… Blames the situation entirely on Willow, and never once speaks up against the professor about it. Amity treats Willow as the sole cause of the situation, and not the professor for being so easily swayed. The Professor doesn’t realize how much the badge means to Amity, but to her it means a lot for a number of… disturbing reasons. Amity also makes a point about NEVER getting in trouble with Principal Bump… Then in Covention, Amity doesn’t get mad at Lilith; She focuses her issue on Luz.

           And looking at her parents, this just reinforces this belief- That Amity never questions the adults, because her parents have conditioned her to believe that the ADULTS know what’s best for her, that they’re talking; That Amity is just a dumb little kid who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. By enforcing the idea of obeying authority and blindly trusting in it, because don’t you DARE question what the older person has to say… It makes sense that Amity is way too conditioned to speak up against adults. So everytime she’s frustrated by one, she wouldn’t dare vocalize her anger at them; Instead, she’ll find a scapegoat to project her resentment towards, because Amity doesn’t have any other outlet to release her unhappiness on.

           (Well, besides herself… But as we can tell, she has REALLY directed that resentment inward at this point, so.)

           Not to mention, Amity takes her parents’ opinions very seriously, because if she doesn’t- You get the idea. Keep in mind how strict they are with Amity having one, particular friend- Literally just ONE friend, Willow doesn’t even have to be Amity’s only friend! It can be Boscha & Skara AND Willow… But her parents are so adamant about keeping their daughter ‘proper’. If they’re that strict about a single friend, imagine how controlling they are about their daughter’s personal mentor and tutor, the one who’s meant to make Amity become the strong Witch she’s supposed to be? So Amity doesn’t get mad at Lilith either, because not only is she an adult, but getting mad at Lilith means that Lilith messed up; And it means that Lilith is an imperfect teacher and choice, and thus that her parents didn’t make the perfect decision… You get the idea.

          Doubting Lilith is, by extension, doubting her parents and Amity fears the retribution for that in many ways. Not to mention, Lilith is the head of the Emperor’s Coven, the very organization that Amity dreams of getting into… She wouldn’t DARE feel resentment towards Lilith, because that might lead to Amity vocalizing her anger, and thus sabotage her chances at joining the Emperor’s Coven! So Amity definitely looks up to Lilith, but I also fear that she’s lowkey afraid of her as well… Of course, given how much Lilith cares for Eda, and how much she respects her sister’s autonomy; This fear may very well be unfounded, at least towards Lilith herself and not the decision of Amity’s parents. I can see Lilith being much more willing to accept criticism and not really realize that Amity fears Lilith, in part as an extension of her own parents…

           So, yeah- To Amity, the adults know best and if anything goes wrong at some point, obviously it’s the fault of some other kid. I get BIG “I’m more mature than other kids my age” vibes from her, you know the ones where a kid thinks that by being quiet and obedient they’re more ‘mature’, especially since adults act like they are… But then they grow up and realize they were just unable to stand up for themselves and as a result end up emotionally stunted. That’s… basically what Amity is, to me; It’s part of why she can be so cold and off-putting to other Witches, amongst OTHER reasons…

           Similarly, it’s worth remembering that while Amity may TRY to be all professional and mature and proper, and hold herself to these sacred rules and ideals of strength… She’s still a kid. Amity Blight is still an impressionable dork of a kid who wants validation, is lonely, and when allowed to be herself is a total nerd. She has her moments of being frustrated and impulsive and trying to cope with her emotions and immaturely projecting them onto others, because she’s not allowed to express and handle any frustration in life; Just repress it all under the idea that she’s ‘stronger’ for it.

           So you have Amity, who beneath it all can sometimes be petty and mean-spirited, but also still an unprofessional kid. Looking back at Episode 3, I really think that after she cut ties with Willow… I think Amity began to internalize and project some of her own resentment towards herself and her parents, onto Willow herself! Hence why she’s so initially condescending; In order to cope with the pain of losing a friend, Amity tries to justify it by deciding that Willow really WAS too weak to be her friend!

And then she internalizes anger at Willow for having not been strong enough for Amity, for not being ‘worthy’ enough to hang out with her… Because obviously, Amity’s parents are NEVER wrong and if they were, why, it’d imply that Willow suffered unjustly! And at this point, Amity can only really cope with the idea of suffering by justifying it to herself; Particularly when it’s directed at Amity, because then how else can she make sense of the world? What is the alternative; A reality where people are unfairly punished?

           No, the adults are right and are always correct, Amity needs SOMETHING to believe in… So instead she just accepts what her parents say at face-value. She resents Willow for not being strong enough to be her friend, for ‘abandoning’ her, because Amity is still a lonely kid who has her immature, petty moments. I know I’m being harsh and I kind of am… But at the same time, my point is that Amity’s pettiness and moments of immaturity are worth considering under the lens that she’s a kid who has undergone emotional abuse and gaslighting. She’s not some cold, calculating bully; Amity is a person with insecurities just like anyone else. In other words… Give her a break, man!

           Going back to what I said about Amity projecting her own anger towards her parents at Willow, I think the implication in Episode 3’s beginning… Is that at some point, Amity got the idea to reconnect with Willow, because deep-down she doesn’t REALLY blame her and also she just misses Willow- I know I would! So Amity gets the bright idea to make Willow strong; To make her worthy enough to be her friend, and then she can get away with being friends with Willow again without her parents being mad about it!

           Obviously, Amity is the target of abuse and probably doesn’t even realize it, so a lot of the ‘methods’ and tactics she uses, to get Willow to incentivize learning and becoming stronger… Aren’t actually all that helpful and just serve to make Willow feel even worse. As far as Amity knows, all the things her parents did to her worked; So why not do the same to Willow? Amity still believes in the lie that she’s a weak person who has to be beaten into shape, after all…

           Then of course when it just makes Willow feel worse and results in her resorting to cheating, Amity holds Willow accountable for this; Because SHE never cheated under the same lessons and guidance of her parents! And she REALLY wouldn’t want to confront the implication that what seemingly ‘worked’ for Amity, is actually making Willow feel terrible… Because that’d imply that Amity feels terrible, and obviously Amity is aware of her own unhappiness! But she may not want to admit its true source, and instead find a scapegoat for it. Again- Why she blames Luz and Willow for her problems in Episodes 3 and 5, and not the teachers who caused the mess to begin with!

          TL;DR The Blight Parents are straight-up garbage, utter dumpster-fires who completely messed up their own kid. The Blight Parents are like Look we made a Strong Witch, and I’m just like… NO, you messed up a perfectly good kid is what you did. Look at her, she’s got anxiety, emotional repression, trauma, and self-loathing!

[readingsbylibramc]

birth chart reading for @leah-sletzion

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a splay shape, meaning that your planets are located randomly in different groups in your chart. people with this type of chart are usually very talented at different things. they can focus their attention on different matters, from family, to work, to love. everything is important for you, and you try to live your life to the fullest. you may be particularly talented at things that require action, it doesn’t matter whether it’s physical or mental. you may be very good at sports, dancing… or maybe you’re good at leading, you could easily be the boss on your work place. since you’re interested in so many things, you could easily be skilled at all of them to be honest. my advice would be to pick the hobby that is most important for you and care about it more than the others. that’s because people with this chart usually tend to do so many things that they may lack precision. it’s better to give all of yourself to what’s important for you.

your dominant planets are the moon, saturn and mercury. you are a very emotional person, you're quite sensitive and you always try to make people feel safe when they're around you. you're also very responsible and smart, you're very mature and probably have leader qualities, you like being in charge and leading people but not in an oppressive way.

your dominant sign is cancer. you seek emotional security in life. you need to feel grounded, you're most likely extremely cautious about the decisions you make. you're also very sensitive and compassionate of others, even though you could get slightly passive from time to time.

your dominant element is water. you're very intuitive and empathetic, you care a lot about others, and you may seem like a healer to people you know. in fact, you always try to help them if you can, almost in a therapeutic way. you're also very spiritual, and you're attracted to anything related to discovering your higher self and soul purpose.

🌎 ascendant in libra, 0° / 1st decan ruled by venus

you're naturally likeable, you have a particular charm to you that makes everyone drool over you. you're very nice and outgoing, you always try to make others feel at ease. you're very considerate of others' feelings. you strive for fairness and justice, it's the way you approach others and the world. basically, you treat others like they treat you: if they're kind with you, you'll be very sweet. otherwise, you'll turn very sarcastic and harsh, almost cold at a certain point. you're very opinionated, you always feel the need to express your thoughts as you're very proud of them. in addition, since you always decide whether something is right or not, you may come off as a know-it-all. on the other hand, you're very sociable and you enjoy being in company, doesn't matter whether you're with your family, friends, lover etc. you may get to know many people throughout your life, but your friendships may not be much stable. you are surrounded by people, but you could feel lonely particularly often. I also need to point out that libra is ruled by venus, the planet of beauty. you're most likely very attractive and magnetic. even if not necessarily conventionally, people find themselves attracted to you. you may have sparkling doe eyes, with also full lips and a defined cupid's bow. your face is more on the longer side, perhaps you have an heart-shaped face, with high cheekbones and a pointy chin. you may also have naturally amazing, fluffy and flowing hair. your body is also very feminine, with a lot of curves and softness to it. it's very romantic, to sum up. also, your hair is probably naturally beautiful; it could be curly, or at least it's very thick and healthy-looking, even if you don't take much care of it.

libra ascendant opposite aries saturn: you may be shy and have self-esteem issues, especially during your early years. because of that, you may often appear as insecure to others, or even unreliable. you have a strong desire to be with someone and commit to them, you despise supertificial bonds, but at the same time you may find yourself being too shy to approach others, especially during your early years. this may apply more to the younger you, actually. you don't feel much comfortable around other people, and others can sense that; your insecurity is exposed to the world, and some may take advantage of that to hurt your feelings. you're afraid of being judged, whether it's for your appearance, or maybe because of your ideals or interests. hence, you end up becoming reserved. this is something that will be solved through growth and time; the older you get, the easier you'll be on yourself. also, thanks to this aspect, you're a responsible person with defined values. to cope with this placement, I'd suggest you to do what makes you feel the best. there are different ways to boost your self-esteem, so maybe you can work on that and then start expressing yourself freely; if you do it without the fear of being judged, you will shine even more.

🌞sun in cancer, 17° / 2nd decan ruled by the moon and pluto

this is the darkest, most intense cancer decan. you’re very vulnerable and sensitive; you may be a crybaby, as crying is a way to vent your emotions. you may even overreact, and be considered too dramatic. you’re extremely moody; you could be all happy and relaxed with your friends, then suddenly you get sad, or even angry. it’s hard to deal with this, especially because your emotions are quite intense. this could make you argue a lot with your peers. even though it takes you a while to find someone willing to stay, when that moment finally comes you’ll embody cancer’s best trait: that is, you’ll become a ‘mother’ to your friends, lover etc. you have a very nurturing soul, you have a knack for affection and care, and you could even get kind of clingy, even though you may feel limitated to give your love to someone else. cancer is a cardinal sign, hence you may be the one to take initiative, yet you do it undirectly. you’re probably the passive-aggressive type, even though this may be mitigated by your impulsive venus-mars conjunction. you’re most likely also quite patient, even though you don’t forgive easily. once someone tries to take advantage of you, it’s over for them.

cancer sun conjunct cancer mercury: you express your ego and identity through your words and ideas. you’re very opinionated and you protect strongly your beliefs. after all, you probably came up with your ideals after thinking deeply about them, you were too precise to be wrong. you’re also probably an avid reader, and you could do well in writing yourself, as you’re able to properly convey your ideals with your words. also, your heavy libra dominance makes you naturally good at writing poetry, or even romance. your mind is very active, and you feel comfortable letting all your thoughts out. it’s actually a way to relieve stress. you also have a wide vocabulary, and you’re capable of making a formal speech if you have to. you have a memorable way of speaking, as your words are very sharp. it’s hard for you to be ignored for your intellect.

cancer sun opposite capricorn jupiter: this is a hard aspect, which could make you feel even more proud of yourself due to your taurus moon. you may feel like the universe is constantly against you; you may feel unlucky, or even overindulge in things you like to cope with sadness or anger. you may have the tendency to overeat, buy useless things etc. you go from having a low self-esteem, to even looking very bossy without even realizing it. you struggle to keep your identity balanced, even though you might have not been aware of it at first. to achieve fortune and joy in life, you need to work hard for it. to do so, you have to learn your karmic lessons in this lifetime, which probably revolve around family issue and their impact on your interactions with others.

🌙 moon in taurus, 10° / 2nd decan ruled by venus and mercury

the moon is exalted in taurus, so it's definitely a good placement! you're very peaceful, you try to avoid conflicts when you can. taurus' most striking feature is that they crave stability, whether it's financial, in love etc. you must be very stubborn, as taurus is a fixed sign, this placement, paired with your imaginative cancer energy, makes you settle on making your ideas concrete, and it's very beneficial. it makes you capable of achieving any goals in your life. you're also very artsy, and you may fancy particular art styles. you have a good eye for aesthetics, and you care a lot about the looks of your house, body, clothes etc. you have excellent concentration, and that is another thing that helps you achieve your goals and make your ideas concrete. last but not least, you're amazingly patient, and that makes you a great friend. probably, they vent a lot of their worries to you, as you're also a great listener.

🗣 mercury in cancer, 15° / 2nd decan ruled by the moon and pluto

you don't really rely on logic. you're very emotionally intelligent, and you take in consideration others' feelings when you speak. even though you may be impulsive and blunt sometimes, you don't do it with malice at all. you may actually feel guilty after you realize that you've hurt someone. you may be sort of manipulative, as you're very observant of others' behaviours. because of that, you may be extremely good at interacting with others, since you know how to speak to people when you don't let your impulsiveness get over you. you know how to persuade others, even though you may not even realize it. if you manage to balance your moon and your mercury, I think it would give you great social skills. you'd be able to stand up for yourself, while also being mindful and conscious of the effect of your words on others. you may get defensive quite easily, and because of that you may become a bit secretive. that's because, deep down, you feel the need to be understood to fully convey and express your emotions. you want to feel at home with your interlocutor, otherwise you'll just be awkward. on the other hand, you have a nice sense of humor, you're able to light up the room with your jokes. your voice may be a bit high-pitched, almost like a child's, but pretty much very gentle as well.

cancer mercury opposite capricorn jupiter: this placement emphasizes your intellect. your mind is so broad that you can come up with different theories and philosphies, making you a sort of genius. you're probably good at memorizing things, and you could even have a photographic memory. yet, with this aspect, you may have troubles being consistent with your ideas. you may overestimate your needs and thoughts; for example, you may promise yourself to get all As in maths, then you get tired and bored and you end up getting Cs. same goes for your handwriting, for example: you may start writing in the best way possible, then you get lazy and end up writing in a sloppy way just to take notes. you also overthink a lot, and that causes you self-esteem issues. on the other hand, you're very open-minded and objective, as you look at the big picture. you'd do very well as a journalist, for example, or perhaps also as a judge of any kind. you may also be naturally skilled at foreign languages, you can mimic accents pretty well. you're probably also very poetic and / or wise, you're like a teacher for your friends.

cancer mercury square aries saturn: this placement gives you limitations and lessons regarding the way you think and talk. it may be that you’re too shy to approach others and to say what you think, so you just don’t try. otherwise, if you actually take action and try to overcome this problem, you could get into troubles. that’s probably caused by the fact that you don’t really pay attention to your words. you’re quite straight-forward and you may be particularly pessimistic, or maybe you lack confidence in social interactions due to these problems, which could be possibly caused by your parents, or perhaps interfer in your relationship with your family. in fact, you may argue quite often, and misunderstandings are also common. this is something that gets naturally better with time, but in order for it to happen you need to take action. you may for example start speaking more in school, perhaps you could apply for class president. anything that allows you to challenge your mind and voice, in order to make you gain experiences and become a master at it. many celebrities, once they mastered this hard aspect, got loads of success. you can do that too, you just need to work on it.

❤️ venus in gemini, 12° / 2nd decan ruled by mercury and venus

this is the flirtiest, most romantic gemini decan, but also the flakiest and most indecisive. your flirting style most probably includes jokes, teasing… stuff like that. even though you may seem flaky, as you like experiencing romance with different types of people, you’re actually quite picky. in fact, in order to fall for someone, you need to feel mentally attracted to them, not just physically. someone ignorant and stubborn that doesn’t care about learning something most definitely isn’t for you. you’re not the type to be super romantic and sweet with your partner or just people in general. you show your affection for example by sending them memes, making ironic jokes about them etc. also, when you’re into someone, you probably get very talkative! you start asking them simple questions about their life, even things like 'did you have lunch?’. also, you talk about them with all of your friends, and you find yourself thinking costantly about them. you’re very curious of nature, but you’re only interested in getting to know what catches your eye.

gemini venus conjunct gemini mars: you are very serious when it comes to love. you seek intense, long-lasting relationships, filled with both romance and passion. ironically, you tend to attract people that are the opposite, who are only looking for fun and casual romance. that could afflict your self-worth significantly, as you feel unlucky in love. this is also another placement that indicates that one of your parents, probably your father, or still anyone of the opposite sex probably influenced your approach to romance and sex. there are different scenarios I have in mind, but I'll talk about it later in the family life section.

☄️ mars in gemini, 19° / 2nd decan ruled by mercury and venus

you’re driven by the sense of intelligence. your intellect is your greatest strenght, it’s your energy tank. you’re interested in a bunch of things, and hence you may have troubles staying focused on one thing at the time. you probably have tons of hobbies, and you may end up not being much precise since you have tons of things that you have and want to do. you can’t stand boredom, you need your day-to-day life to be exciting and, above all, offer you something new to learn and / or experience. you probably fancy being very active: you go out often, you workout, you may also be the type to love partying and things like that. you’re extremely witty and curious, and you want to live your life to the fullest. you may often change your style, your opinions, maybe even your personality, and that could make you seem confusing and / or unreliable.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in libra. you always try to be kind and friendly with people you don't know; you most likely don’t like conflicts, you prefer avoiding them. you probably care a lot about your appearance, and because of that you could get insecure from time to time. usually, people with libra in their 1st house look for themselves in others, as their chart is basically upside down. the ruler of the 1st house is in the 9th house: you may come off as a very approachable and easy-going person! possibly, people could mistake you for a foreigner, it could be that you have certain characteristics of your appearance that make you look more 'exotic' or just foreign in general.

your 2nd house is in libra. you find beauty and aesthetic in material things; you most probably love clothes, art, music… anything that isn’t exactly a priority in life, but that allows you to express your personal taste, which is very refined. with this placement I’d suggest that you should pursue a career that allows you to express your creativity, as arts and beauty allow you not only to make money, but also to increase your security and confidence. you could also spend money in venusian things like clothes, make-up, decorations and anything that involves beauty and aesthetic. the ruler of the 2nd house is in the 9th house: you may earn money through foreign cultures and languages, hence you could be particularly skilled at them. you may work in a multinational agency, or perhaps as an interpreter or translator. you could also earn through teaching or travelling, so perhaps you may have to move constantly for your job.

your 3rd house is in scorpio. you probably love witty jokes and sarcasm. you’re extremely honest when you think and speak, and most of the times you have no problems expressing your opinions. you could possibly be very good with words and be good at convincing and manipulating others. usually this placement makes someone kind of mischievous when it comes to words, but I think that with all the venus influence in your chart and your well-aspected mercury, you’re able to control this in order not to hurt others. your mind is very deep, you’re probably not really into small talks. you may also love anything that is considered taboo, like astrology, horror, nudity, death… you’re also quite secretive, you’re seen as an enigma. you don’t want to share much about you. last but not least, you value honesty above all. you only speak the truth, and hence you also want it back. you may as well be into conspiracy theories, science and anything that can expose what’s behind the universe, the government etc.

your 4th house is in capricorn, with also your jupiter and neptune placed in this house. I can tell that your childhood was quite complex. not necessarily bad, I don't see any kind of trauma, but you probably had to grow up way sooner than other kids. your parents could have been very hard-working and focused on their jobs, possibly wealthy too. they were very responsible and cared a lot about you, they always made sure you had everything you needed, even though they could have been slightly absent from time to time due to their jobs. people with a capricorn ic usually find something missing in their childhood, they had to deal with responsibilities from a young age. it could even be that you started working when you were still a teen, or maybe you had to take care of the house or of your siblings for them. you weren’t much extroverted, you preferred staying in, drawing, playing games etc. it could also be that one of your parents may be absent; they could be divorced, or in the worst case they might have died when you were pretty young. on the other hand, it could be that you have a complex cultural background to you, perhaps someone from your family is foreign. you might have travelled a lot during your childhood, and you got to make lots of experiences.

your 5th house is in aquarius. you’re extremely creative, your ideas are very innovative, and you may have particular hobbies, interests or taste than others. when you’re able to fully express yourself, you gain full security and you start experimenting and inventing new things. you could be the type to start new fashion trends, music styles, art styles… basically, you’re a creative genius. your hobbies may also involve astrology, as well as human studies like psychology, or also anything that has to do with technology. you may be into videogames for example, tv series, social media… they’re your way to spend your free-time and relax. your relationships may also be very unconventional; you could usually date people online, or perhaps you may have the potential to meet someone through dating apps. they’re quite unstable, they may end out of the blue for example. you may also dedicate yourself to fashion, art, music, etc., anything that stimulates your creativity.

your 6th house is in pisces. in your daily life, you hardly ever have a structured schedule. you go with the flow, you take things as they come. you may often have your head in the clouds, you could get distracted easily and you may literally creative oscar-worthy movies in your head instead of doing what you need to do. your job may involve arts, images, possibly even fame. you should definitely use your creative talents for your possible career. also, you could benefit from helping others; you could be a psychologist or therapist of any kind, a nurse… any place where you’re able to help others. again, you could also help others through your art, hence with your lyrics, books, etc. when it comes to diets, workout routines, skincare routines etc. you could lack consistency, even though your libra energy makes you more motivated to take care of your appearance. you may sleep a lot, it’s easy for you to feel tired and stressed even when you’re not over-working yourself.

your 7th house is in aries, with also saturn conjunct the descendant. love is most likely not your priority in life. you need independence, and you’re able to stand up for yourself on your own. you don’t need someone else to help you. you tend to attract partners in your life that are hot-headed, stubborn, assertive and goal-oriented. they strive to be the best at everything they do, they’re extremely competitive and willing to do anything to achieve their goals. basically, you attract very dominant partners, but you don’t want to be dominated or controlled. you may often experience power struggles between you and your partner, which cause you issues in every relationship you get in. at the same time, you wouldn’t stand someone too submissive either, as you still need someone that would mentally stimulate you. they may actually be quite selfish and self-centered, they’ll care more about their own development rather than that of you two as a couple. an aries 7th house indicates that while you’ll have a very active, passionate spouse, you may also experience lots of arguments and discussions in your marriage life, perhaps even physical violence. saturn here makes things a little bit complicated, though; you’re probably attracted to partners that are older than you, or at least that are very mature. there is a lot of karma surrounding your relationships; a few unsolved issues from past lives may make them challenging. I feel like you probably don’t really date anyone. I assume that you dream of finding your true love, but at the same time you’re also extremely picky with who you date, you have high standards. even though it looks like the safest way, you should actually try to solve these issues. some hardships may arise, but what matters the most is that you learn from them. don’t be afraid to date people, and above all don’t expect every relationship to be good. it’s also recommended to get married after your saturn return with this placement, hence after your 27/28 years.

your 8th house is in aries, with also your moon placed there. generally, people with aries in their 8th house are very confident when it comes to taboo topics; they have no problems showing their interest in them, especially with people they're intimate with. you may also be particularly sensitive to or even tame physical pain. you constantly try to improve yourself by coming up with new projects, you love challenges. they help you growing up into the person you want to become. you may come across some hardships regarding yourself, your identity. but, when you face those fears and start loving yourself, you’ll naturally become more mature and 'transform’. last but not least, this placement can also indicate that you're going to have a painful death. the moon here takes on scorpio qualities; as a result, you’re way more secretive and cautious than most libra people. you tend to preserve yourself, even though it’s hard for you to repress your emotions, as they’re too to intense to bottle them up. you absorb people’s feelings like a sponge, there’s no way that you won’t instantly understand their real emotions. overall, you tend to overreact a lot; you have cancer's sensitive energy on one side and scorpio’s mysterious, almost scary vibe. dealing with these emotional burnouts may be stressing to you, as you totally get caught up in them. even if it looks like you get to know other people often, you actually don’t let others know you. you’re the type of person to talk and socialize, especially after your saturn return, but you never reveal your deepest fears and thoughts to strangers. you only open up to people you’re sure you can trust. when you’re angry, you can literally go as far as using violence; you need to let out your emotions by screaming, swearing… anything that can make you feel better. there’s a secret, sensitive side in you that needs passionate and romantic partners in love. yet, you can’t help but feel more attracted to the ones that may hurt you badly. you’re possibly quite sensitive to higher entities too, like ghosts, spirits and stuff like that.

your 9th house is in taurus, with also your venus and mars sitting there. with this placement, I feel like you may use your intellect to gain financial security and material possessions. while this is a good thing, as it helps increasing your confidence, don’t forget that your intellect is more important than money or any other thing. don’t underestimate it. you’re totally capable of learning and understanding things by yourself, hence don’t wait for others for help. you should start dealing with your own experiences alone, without anybody else’s help. this placement can also be someone a little close-minded; in fact, you're probably very stubborn and firm about your beliefs. you hardly ever allow others to change your mind. with venus here you may be the type that likes making new experiences regarding love, and you often date your crushes. yet, you feel too limited in a relationship. you don't enjoy committing to someone if that someone isn't perfect for you, you're only completely loyal to the one you consider your true love. you can't give up your freedom, your thirst for adventure and experiences for someone else. basically, your ideal partner would be a risk-taker, someone loyal but not too clingy. you may also find yourself being attracted to unavailable people; that is, you could fall for people that are already taken, or maybe they're physically unavailable, e.g they live abroad or in another city in general. you're also attracted to foreigners, and people that have a wise, yet bubbly aura around them. mars here indicates that you hate lies of any kind, you want sincerity from those around you and you're the first to be constantly honest. you value your freedom a lot, your life motto is most likely 'live and let live'. you think everyone should live their lives by their own standards, without feeling afraid of being judged or criticized. you're a very pure and genuine person, you hardly ever judge a book by its cover, and you're also extremely open-minded. you're thirsty for knowledge of any kind, you're always up to learn something new. you may also be interested in foreign languages and cultures, as well as philosophy, literature... anything that can teach you something new about the world.

your 10th house is in cancer, with also your sun and mercury here. your career needs to be private. that doesn’t mean that you can’t become famous of course, but you prefer being more hidden at job, you may even work from home or from a young age. many celebrities with this placement, in fact, started working when they were still young. also, cancer indicates that your future job will give you the opportunity to express and / or deal with your / others’ feelings and emotions, and considering that mercury is also in this house I can see you working in the communication field. you could become a writer, a singer, an actress, as well as a nurse, a therapist… anything that allows you to express your emotions while also communicating something is suitable for you. you could possibly also choose the same career as your parents, or you may handle the family’s business for example. you could also end up doing the job of your childhood dreams. you feel the need to pursue a meaningful career in your life, you want to feel emotionally connected to it. you don’t only want something that allows you to earn money, you also want to gain wisdom and maturity from a job, and hence you could even be a bit picky in choosing your future career.

your 11th house is in leo, with also your mars placed there. with this placement, you’re probably very popular among your friends, you’re most likely the most talkative or funniest member of your group. you may also attract very popular people yourself in your friendships, perhaps even celebrities. possibly, you could even make friends that allow you to gain recognition and / or popularity, doesn’t matter whether it’s in school, job, etc. you could also have very big dreams for your future, probably regarding your career and finances. you most likely aspire to be wealthy and financially independent, you are very hard-working and possibly even a bit materialistic. the ruler of the 11th house is in the 10th house: you may make lots of friends thanks to your job, or perhaps you're going to start a business with your friends. you may also achieve your biggest dreams through your career, as they probably revolve around finances.

your 12th house is in virgo. this is another placement that indicates that you are an amazing writer! in fact, the 12th house is about secret skills too, and virgo is ruled by mercury, the planet of communication. you do the math. with this placement, though, I feel like you may feel restricted from pursuing your goals, or even a career in the public eye, as you’re quite sensitive to others’ criticism about you. you strive to be perfect all the time, and your libra rising wants to constantly have a nice reputation. a scandal, or even simple haters, would probably be the end of you.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love you attract aries, aquarius, capricorn and cancer placements. your future spouse will most likely have aries and cancer traits placements; they’ll be very impulsive, creative, bold and confident, but also with a warm heart and a hidden insecurity to them. it could be love at first sight, and you may meet them abroad; you could meet them on a vacation, or perhaps they travel to your city. they could also be foreign, bilingual or have a different cultural background from yours. your children will have strong aquarius placements; they’ll be very dreamy, they’ll have big goals for their life, and they’ll also be extremely intelligent and creative as well.

👶🏻 family life

your father is probably a very caring person that knows how to stand up for himself when he has to, but he may struggle to do that. he’s very smart, caring and empathetic, even though he may be a bit childish at times. he could have cancer placements in his chart, possibly virgo, gemini and leo too. your mother, on the other hand, is a bit more serious and focused on work, but she always made sure you always had what you needed. she was probably the strict parent in the family, but she still has some sweetness and nice humor to her. also, she may have capricorn, aquarius, sagittarius or pisces placements in her chart. if you have siblings, they most likely have scorpio placements in their chart; you’re able to both relax and have fun together, even though you may discuss often. you could have been very jealous of each other when you were kids, maybe. you have a very intense relationship, but you surely learn a lot from each other.

📊 career

as I've already mentioned above, you're going to pursue a career that will allow you to interact with others. you would probably do amazing at a job that requires you to help people, you could make a great nurse or psychologist for instance. you may also work as a teacher of any kind, not necessarily a professor or school teacher. you could also work with children or for family, as a counselor for example. anything that allows you to interact with and help others would be great for you, as it would make you more empathetic and sensitive to the external world. last but not least, you may also work in a place related to food or money, such as a restaurant or even a bank as notary for instance, even though I see you pursuing a more creative, emotional career.

👕 fashion sense, style analysis

I imagine you put a lot of effort into your outifts, yet you don’t show it. you want to look effortlessly good, you don’t want to give the impression that you tried. your style may be quite minimalistic and simple, with lots of jeans, sweatshirts, plain t-shirts… I see you being more into natural shades, like white, grey, beige etc. you’re also not very fond of using too many accessories, you’re stylish but still very simple. you have this natural charm to you, hence you still look good even though your outfits may not be too complex.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past life, the focus was on your relationships with others. maybe, you had troubles with self-esteem and identity in general and you used to depend on others. you had to work hard and finally understand how to build healthy relationships with others to fulfill your past life purpose. hence, this lifetime your focus will be yourself. even though at first you might feel quite insecure, especially due to saturn being opposite your ascendant, this lifetime you're here to develop this matter. after all, saturn will give you many lessons in order to transform yourself and grow into a better person.

🤔 major transits analysis / may 10

the sun is currently transiting your taurus 8th house, exactly conjunct your moon. you could be feeling very needy lately, but very sensitive as well. you want to be with people, maybe with your loved ones, you feel like you need a lot of care and attention and as a result you're literally craving human interactions. you may get angry or disappointed easily though, as you could be quite impulsive as well, so beware of that. jupiter, on the other hand, is in your 5th house; you may be lacking discipline in these days, perhaps you tend to procrastinate as you feel quite tired and you have to relax. of course it's ok to take some time for yourself, but remember to be responsible as well; hard work pays off.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

your secret skills revolve around finances and just security in general. with a positive attitude, you may attract material luck: money, clothes, houses… everything that you desire. since you’re a logical person, I assume the most efficient way for you to manifest through the LOA is writing! take a notebook and just write down positive affirmations, such as 'I have the car of my dreams’ etc. you may also write them on post-its and glue them around your house, so that you can accelerate the progress. you can also try to idealize your wish before trying to manifest it. for example, if you want a new sweatshirt, try to imagine yourself wearing it. you could also go into a shop and actually try that sweatshirt it on; being in contact with it will boost the law of attraction even more.

and this is it! thank you again for booking a reading, hope it resonated with you :)

[alien-shark]

ZoTash prompt/one-shot: JEALOUSY

Echoes of what appears to be sparring shouts reverberate from the training grounds and soon, a surge of female Marine soldiers flood the halls. What used to be a serene area was now abuzz with gleeful exuberant cheers, their attention aimed at the other five female soldiers surrounding a lone shirtless green haired man at the centre of the training ground. Shinai swords drawn and pointed at their single adversary.

Tashigi, curious at the commotion, followed along the queue of female soldiers lining the perimeter of the ground, “What’s going on?” she asked, sipping at her coffee.

“He’s doing it. He’s sparring with them again!” A female soldier beamed, her eyes glued at the subject of interest.

Standing on her tiptoes, the Marine captain watch as the female soldiers consecutively charge at the man. But with a quick side step, parry, deflect and strikes on the shoulder, behind the knee and hip, each soldiers were disarmed and collapse on the dirt, one after another.

The spectators cheered and some groaned on behalf of their fallen comrades. On refusing to yield, one soldier latched on a nearby shinai and swiped at the man’s leg only for the weapon to shatter upon impact with his own.

“Too slow.” He sighed, disappointed. Spinning his head around, “You are all too slow.”

A wave of excited whispers, some of obscenities, rippled through the crowd.

“Your grasp on your swords are too flimsy! Even a kid can disarm you.” He pauses and releases yet another disgruntled sigh. “And you’re leaving too much opening! Do you have a death wish?! If I used real swords, you’d all be dead!” He turned to a soldier on the ground and offered his hand, she accepts reluctantly but hauls herself up with his help.

“The battle isn’t over until you’re dead.” He growled. “Till then, get your ass up and try again!”

Roronoa Zoro returned in the middle of the field, two bamboo swords drawn on his sides.  His eyes scan the crowd, “Who’s up next?”

Female Marines race and scrambled to try their luck at him, beaming and professing determined shouts.

---

Captain Tashigi narrows her eyes, irritated that her fellow Marine soldiers- especially ones under Vice Admiral Tsuru’s squadron- are so easily swayed by Roronoa’s simple display of swordsmanship. But her resentment only doubled upon realizing that while she goes and makes herself a cup of coffee to begin the day, the man was already in the heat of his training.

While Roronoa trains the female Marines; observing them with a critical eye as they do drills and correct any mistakes and praise any improvements as they spar with one another, Tashigi decides to train with other soldiers who remained wary of the pirate. But it wasn’t long until Tashigi found herself training alone in their usual spot. She discovered her fellow officers figured Roronoa’s teachings yield very effective results.

And so she was alone, much to her disappointment.

Dinner proved tougher to endure when all she hears are praises aimed at Roronoa, how his outlandish teachings opened up new possibilities in their training immensely enhancing their skills.

“He’s truly a great swordsman! Glad he’s an ally now!” A soldier announced cheerfully.

“And he’s surprisingly such a decent guy too!”

“Right?! And he’s gentle and kind!”

“Have you seen that body?”

They giggle. Tashigi stands to leave.

A tremendous divide among the Marines occurred when the highly influential Vice Admirals finally roused and saw the errors of the entire Marines’ belief. It began with Smoker’s G-5 unit followed by Vice Admiral Garp, Vice Admiral Sengoku and most recently, Vice Admiral Tsuru.

Tashigi started as a grunt in Tsuru’s squad. Her skills earned her respect and praise among her superiors and popularity among the entire female Marine soldiers. Her rapid growth caused her to be transferred under Smoker’s wing in Loguetown. Yet to this day, she would return and spend some time with her previous crew. She considered this her place of solitude, a break from her testosterone infested infantry. It was a breath of fresh air to be around fellow female soldiers and they were always glad to have her back even for a short period.

However, the Marine/Pirate integration has altered her previous comrades regard towards her. (Roronoa and three of his nakamas: Nico Robin, The God-Usopp and The Soul King, temporarily stays on the island under Tsuru’s watch for Nico Robin to decipher a poneglyph. Which explains why and how the pirate is within their vicinity.) Now, the female soldiers’ attention has long abandoned Tashigi and are directed at Roronoa, much like the G-5.

“Give it to him! I bet he’ll love it!” A soldier nudged her companion.

“I hope so. He did say he loves quality sake.”

“Haha! He’ll fall head over heels for you!”

“W-what?! No.. I just wish to thank him..!” The other soldier blushed.

Soon, things took a sudden turn. An ample amount of female soldiers developed a budding infatuation towards the man. Tashigi couldn’t contain her hackles from rising when one evening, during a bonfire, another soldier gifted Roronoa sake. He drank and celebrated with them for yet another productive day. As Tashigi observes the exchange, she notices Roronoa smile almost slyly towards the gushing female Marines. Her suspicions towards the man intensifies. He was still a pirate after all. Tashigi witnessed the vulgar glances Black Leg and The Soul King displays when around women. Who’s to say Roronoa is different? She knows nothing about the man.

That very night, she confronted him. When finally he was alone, walking groggily through the empty streets, she blocked his path.

“Roronoa, a word, please.” She gestured to an empty alley.

“If you need private lessons, you’re gonna have to wait for two days.” He smiles. “I’m a busy man. Tonight’s not a good ti—”

“I know what game you’re playing, pirate!” Tashigi interjects. “You may blind the others with your swordplay but not me.”

Immediately, the pirate’s drunken stupor evaporated and he stares unblinking. But Tashigi refused to falter.

“If you’re training them just to create your little ‘fan-club’ or to invite them in your bed, I will not ask you again, please stop. These are prominent honourable women and some are already developing feelings-- bonds to you deeper than they intended. Feelings I doubt a pirate such as you even have. Whatever dark intentions you have planned, abandon it if you still wish to see the light of day.” She stepped closer and jabbed a finger on his chest. “Respect these women or I will make you.”

Roronoa stares at the finger on his chest and slowly creeps his gaze towards the woman.

“I always wondered why you never attend the training. I thought it was just your stubborn pride that makes you lurk behind the trees, watching from a distance.”

For the first time, Tashigi hesitates and draws her hand back.

“So this is how you still see me.” He narrows his eyes at her, as realization hits. “I trained your soldiers because they asked me to. I won’t apologize for my actions.  I am not responsible for the feelings your soldiers harbour towards me neither will I apologize for how you interpret my actions towards them. That’s on you. I’ve never disrespected your soldiers in any way and I never intend to. I only wish to help… because-”

He takes a deep breath. “This may be empty words to you but… I feel obliged- I had a friend—,” Roronoa paused, dropping his gaze to the ground.

His voice suddenly grows quieter, jittery. “I wanted to prove to her… wherever she is I—I want to prove that women can be strong and capable of so much more. At first I didn’t believe it was possible.” He meets her eyes, his own glassy under the moonlight.

“Then you came along and changed my mind. How you handle yourself and radiate that irritating confidence and headstrong determination that affects the people around you. You made me realize that women are capable of so much more. And I want to help even in the smallest way. I want to prove to her that she was wrong for thinking so little of herself because of her gender.”

Roronoa hardens his gaze and almost doubles in size as he straightens himself, towering over the Marine captain. “But she’s dead. And she will never know. And I guess it’s too late for it now. And the person who opened up my mind to the possibilities and gave me hope continues to view me as a petty low-life. And whatever ounce of help I provided in the end didn’t matter.”

The man shakes his head and before stepping around her says, “What do I know? Pirates don’t have feelings, right?”

That night, Tashigi couldn’t sleep. Roronoa’s words cut her deeper than any wound inflicted in battle. How petty and shallow of her to view Roronoa in this light.

His late friend… Of course. How could she forget? When will she ever see beyond herself? She was insecure, blinded by her weakness. Jealousy remains to be her biggest vice, the wall that prevents her from moving forward- the gap between their abilities. She was right about one thing however, she knows nothing about the man.

The following days, Roronoa stopped showing up at the training grounds and began training somewhere else, alone, and refused to train and spar with the female soldiers, however he allowed them to watch.

“Could we have been too much for him?” A soldier during lunch muttered weakly.

“Maybe our progress was too slow he got impatient.”

“Ugh. I shouldn’t have pushed him to try our family’s sake.”

“Face it, ladies. The man didn’t see anything special and probably got bored.” Another stirred at her lunch dully. “He’s still a pirate. Open your legs at him and he might—”

“He’s not like that!” Tashigi snapped. All eyes on her. Upon realizing her outburst has generated attention she wasn’t used to, she trembled and cast her eyes down. “Roronoa is… a lot of things. But he’s not like that.”

She quickly dislodge herself from the predicament. She needed to find the man- for the sake of the Marines. But more importantly give him the apology he deserved. She cannot allow her frivolous mistake sever the unity between Marines and pirates. Tashigi could not locate him that evening so she woke up early the next day and luckily found him in his new training spot, surrounded by female soldiers urging him for a spar.

Tashigi apprehensively stepped closer into his area. A twitch of his eye suggest he’s aware of her presence.

“Roronoa, please… please train them again.” She whispers and hopes he hears amidst his grunts and loud thrusts of his sword.

“They can train themselves.” He grunts.

“They can.” She swipes a quick glance at the inquisitive soldiers. “But they prefer your guidance. They enjoy your company.”

“They’ve trained without my supervision long before I arrived in the island. They don’t need me.”

“Roronoa, please-“

“No.”

Before her tears threaten to spill, Tashigi knelt down and pressed her forehead on the ground and bowed deeply before the man.

“I apologize for every malicious words I insinuated. You didn’t deserve the accusations. I was wrong. It was unjust- I was,” She bit her lip and forced the trembling words out, “— ignorant. I figured my misplaced vigilance for my fellow Marines only causes harm than good. And I realize my accusations reflected more about my insecurities than of your character.”

The thrusting of sword stopped and louder whispers emanate from the growing onlookers.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me. I only wish for you to know how deeply I regret my misdemeanour.” She sobbed. “Please do not punish them because of the lapses in my judgement. Roronoa… Roronoa-san, it would be an honour to gain your insights.”

Tashigi took a deep breath and lifted her head slightly, “Please train them—train us!!”

“Tashigi-san…” Echoes of her name ran through the crowd but she refused to lift her head.

A surge of delight rushed through the swordsman’s chest and instantly felt an entire lightness of being, as if the overbearing weight he’s been carrying the last couple of days was lifted off his chest and he was engulfed with unexpected satisfaction. A single apology from the woman would have suffice, but this almost evaporated every affliction he’d ever experience. Had this happen months ago, he would have a quip to counter, instead he clears his throat,

“Then what are you waiting for? Grab your shinai. We’re losing daylight!”

Tashigi finally raised her head, face coated in watery dirt but she didn’t care. Altogether, the entire female Marine squadron exclaimed, “Haiii!!”.

----

Apologies for going over the word count! I hope this was worth your time! 

[chemtrailsovertheclub]

old poems v1.

here you go. dated august-september 2019 or so.  

my brain is a conglomeration of suffering it is everything it's all in my head though. by the time it shows on the physical, the damage is done, the war has been won and i am not victorious, maybe i won a few battles but ultimately i gave more than i gained from all the agonizing pain it's all in my head though.

i don't have a sense of identity and i don't have very much empathy because i feel so much to begin with how am i supposed to take on your problems too? i don't want to hurt you that's the last thing i ever wanted to do but so i push you far away and i don't say the things that haunt me because i know you feel so much empathy i can't have your hurt be because of me so i push you away

it's all in my head though. it's not a real problem. i'm perfectly fine. and i live a lie.

-

you make my heart beat go faster and the time goes slower and i feel my heart get closer and it melds into yours for hours that seem like years so when you go and i'm left alone my heart craves you my mind misses you my body is cold our love grows old and i worry it'll never be renewed

you are my drug, my medicine, my addiction my confliction of interest, of distress, of wondering what will come next my love, my joy, my shining light, my star so bright, those lakeside nights, those neck side bites, those streetside lights, those endless nights, those endless nights

-

i don't know what you want from me i don't have any sympathy for your self made misery

i don't know what world you live inside, all you seem to do is hide maybe you should step outside

into the light i promise it's not too bright i promise it's not a fight i promise if you'd just try you'd see just why life isn't just suffering until you die.

-

it's fine, pretending you're divine, that life is great, you feel no hate, there's no need to do a thing did i mention life is great?

it's a shame there's no one to blame for all the ways you bleed from your very own knives what a surprise! you take so many lives, why not your own? when you're finally all alone, when everyone you ever cared for is gone, when you've pushed them all away, i promise i won't say i told you so don't you know?

it's fine, pretending you're divine, that life is great, you feel no hate, there's no need to do a thing did i mention life is great?

black like mold the staleness you bring to the air gets old darkness and decay only leave so many words to say statements of agony proof you're not okay, proof that there's no way, you're ever going to change

-

i like the way you make feel at home like i do when i'm all alone i like the way you love me with all of your fragile heart like it won't get broke, like what all i said was a joke i knew it from the start, and every, day and night, it tears me a-part

i like the way you make me wanna run, away, never to be seen again by anyone of any concern, it's like i never learn, but they're my bridges to burn, it's my turn

it's not too hard to disappear, if you live your life running in fear if all you ever wanted was right there

i like the way i sing this song so soft and distraught when i let out my thoughts

i can't maintain my composure it's over exposure it's vulnerability it's me showing me for all the world to see and i can't take criticism very well and i didn't think this would go so well go so well can't you tell can't you tell? i burn my bridges before anyone can cross them but you must have swam, you must have swam because you made it across and what happens now? all my defenses are down. fire at will.

-

i want to bleed out every single ounce of my soul let it leak out of my body through each and every pore i crave liberation from my whole i would much rather be a piece of the puzzle than the whole fucking picture but here we are and the light, the light is blinding, and the darkness is consuming and the love is gone the love is gone. i am not at home in the one vessel i have for my spirit. can i get a replacement? is there a warranty on the carrier of my essence? dance with me and sing with me and drink with me and smoke with me and numb your feelings numb your pain numbness is satisfaction and as a matter of fact, satisfaction smells like worms in the rain.

-

i am a person for equality i am of a nationality that presents me with an easier way across the street, a paved path to walk on, the white privilege meant i could easily defeat, anyones suspicions, all your nonsense superstitions, all your tired inquisitions, all your conniving accusations, declarations, the satisfying sensations that you leave dripping down my throat

i feel everytime i forget to wear a winter coat, it is a message from you, a dream in the way it is afloat, it will never actually be perceived as more than glasses that need to be cleaned but no one told me the world wasn't this messy, i grew up in a world that's so numb to their feelings it's depressing. and the weather, it gets colder than i planned for, my jacket still probably lying on the kitchen floor, i am getting older and the blasphemous ones wear sheep's clothing, my mom is in the basement crying in the basement cause she's insecure, she's not sure she's worth anything, not a price at a bargain store, please close the door, oh please no more, i do implore have some sympathy for my dystopian society it's not predicted (but it is) it leaves me conflicted (i start to hiss) it leaves me afflicted (with all your sins) and i will not repent, for the message is best sent through a "i'm disappointed" by your closest parent.

i will not listen nor will i give in, when the chorus comes in, when the guards come in, when the cops come in, when the lights go out, when the last bit of tension building inside my cranium as your fingers instrument a destruction of the last thing you have finally learned to call home, for when you are alone who is there to judge you for not conforming when you are the whole, you are 100% of whatever you want to be and if one day you can wake up and finally see the reflection that stares back at me from the awkward first compliments to the snarky half-assed arguments that ended with my sticking out my tongue at you and kissing you and forgiving you because no one is perfect and i am sorry, i am sorry i created a pedestal for you in my head, you know some days i'd rather be dead, or at least just in a coma something to give me a moment i got my highschool diploma like you said i was supposed to you said, nothing.

i didn't really plan to live this long. how could the world have done me so wrong? trying to teach me a lesson? but here i am just stressin? my fight or flight reactions actin up, i think i'm coming up, i think i've had enough, i think i'm kinda fucked up, someone get me off this ride i can't decide for the life of me why i get no sympathy, like the simple fact of my humanity, negates my value as a human being. i am seething, soon no newborn babies will be teething because the majority of people i ask on the street, seem to agree that this world ain't so organized and neat, and the people here all be trying to compete, trying to delete, any trace of their origins or else how are they supposed to make their fortune releasing an autobiography with insights the one and only, the prized show pony, the don't leave me i'll be lonely, the if you could see me maybe you'd tread slowly, maybe you'd consider the possibility that you are not everything a human can be, sure it is possible, but you sir are making me rethink making me wonder making me more aware, more scared, more fear, more here, less beer, more liquor and it's getting quicker to take a shot or two or three down my throat and the warmth has finally become an expected gift, it's not something i try to shift away from my body, it's not naughty to want to feel comfortable in your own flesh, you are some combination of all your physical features but most importantly you are a culmination of your choices, of every single one of the voices that you decide were worthy of being heard for a change, i know they may sound strange when they first start on the stage, but look at them, they are acting their age they are being vulnerable they are feeling satisfied without eating till they're beyond the limits of full, they are complete before you two even meet and if you refuse to give her the heat, the intensity, the devotion, the endless flowing fountains of emotion, she gives you all of hers if you just would pick her a pretty flower.

so what if, we were to develop a place where the motif, the reason for the season, the blinding sheet in which they are not told they are a project, no for once, they are not simply something someone has likely forgot, can't you see how i'm falling, desperate and distraught death is sometimes a thought, quite a lot. but instead i make a scrapbook, i get a pretty one, i make it fun, i try to make unburdening all the weights others put on my back a thing i do everyday but it's so much easier to say, to delay, to just offer "how much do i need to pay", what feminine figure of weakness do i need to portray so you can save her? every page has effort and time put into it and just because you're not as into it as that little girl fantasizing about that imaginary world doesn't mean you can't for one second for one, humble, moment, for one silent showing of hands, of all those who have demands from the dead, they must be read, we do not judge nor hold any grudge for the ending will be the same, no matter what personality we choose to play the game today.

[noonaduck]

SeXd (sex ed) BONUS

Pairing: BTS OT7 x reader genre: Fluff,smut, non idol Au [Angst only in this chapter] Warnings: - Words: 1134 A/N: Jimin’s Pov. Summaray: Y/N is a woman who is inexperienced in anything when it comes to relationships and sex. Luckily her friend Jimin along with his six other friends decide to show her what she has been missing. 

4. < Bonus > 5. Msg me or send ask if you want to be tagged. I won’t add you if you ask in comments. tags:   @lylanie12 @hopeivx @vannilacake @mina-messed-up  @lonely-hufflepuff @soularbangtan@all289854 @hobitoons @vanessalovesonedirection @bbjel @doki-do-ki@yoongleskitten @chaitaewithkookies @hellosweety94 @exochanyeoltao@brokencrownqueen @hitit-thesecond-audition @kookiemonstersugatea@treetops68 @mylittlestrangeandsweetworld @lanu-la @d-noona@serendipity-secrets @recs-by-raamish

[gifs belongs to their rightful owners]

Events of this chapter happened on same night and during following day after Taehyung's and Y/N's date. Jimin wakes up from his nightmare cold sweat glistering on his skin. It was the same dream again. Its still dark and streetlights shine trough gap of his curtains. Hannah was again in his dreams. He saw her final moments again, she was laying on her hospital bed tube going into her throat and different types of devices beeping around her. The beeping could be annoying for some, but him it was sign of Hannah being alive. Terminal cancer has taken his Hannah away form him when he had been only sixteen. His sweet Hannah, her hair like a gold in the sun, her eyes like the ocean and her laugh like the most beautiful melody. Jimin could still remember those sleepless nights next to her hospital bed and moments of fearing that she wouldn't wake up. At first it had started with speculation about  asthma when she had to stop take breath more often and when some tasks turned too difficult to do. Jimin could have taken asthma anytime over the final diagnose which has broken his heart alongside Hannah's family's. Everyone had cried on her funeral, everyone except Jimin. He was too numb to mourn, but when the funeral ended he had cried three days straight barely sleeping between.  During that time he had only friends with Taehyung and Jungkook from his current group, but had ended up pushing them away. He was like breathing and walking corpse himself until he had collapsed from mix of hunger and insomnia. When it was his turn to wake up at hospital Taehyung and Jungkook were there. Even if he had tried to push his closest friends away, they didn't give up. When he got out of the hospital he tried to start slowly live again. Even if he had to force himself eat he did it, when he had to take pills for sleeping he swallowed them. For whole this time Taehyung and Jungkook were supporting his recovery. His own breakdown has caused his phobia towards love, he was only after the pleasure guarding his heart.  At least he was before Y/N came. She was so sweet and innocent that his dead heart started to feel something. Jimin was sure that it wasn't love, but it as something close to it. Jimin took the small town girl under his wing and swore to take care of her, what ever that would mean.  Every time he was around Y/N he could stop thinking about Hannah for a second. When Y/N was gone he felt quilt for thinking about someone else than Hannah and pulled the old shoe box under his bed. The box was full of his memories of Hannah, pictures, her old bracelet and a letter which she had left for him. The letter that has been left unopened even on present. Jimin won't even bother to try sleep again and decides to get up from his bed. He puts his bedside lamp on and pick his phone from his nightstand.  Notification about new messages in group chat SeXd has appeared on his screen.

Tae: *I wen't on date with Y/N today.* Yoongi: * Sounds great, what did you guys do?* Tae: *we went to the aquarium...* Yoongi: * You know that isn't what I meant. Let me ask again, what kind of lesson did you give?* Hobi: *yeah Tae we are on all ears.* Tae: * Well...* Jin: *spill it! >:(* There is few hours of pause between messages. Probably everyone was asleep. Tae: *Fine...I fingered her.* Yoongi: *And?* Tae:  *What?*

Yoongi: *Give us some details, don't be cheap* Kookie: *tell us hyung.* ~~ From this point Jimin had caught with the chat and saw Taehyung typing. Jimin glances the clock on his phone screen and it show only little over 6 am. It was beyond his knowledge how his friends were up so early. ~~ Jimin: *Tae didn't let Y/N to touch him.* Jimin wasn't sure himself why he would share the detail about Taehyung and Y/N's meeting. Taehyung: *Yes I didn't so what?* Jimin: *Maybe you felt that you aren't good enough for her.* Joon: *Jimin WTF?* Jin: * Don't be mean to your friend.* Yoongi: *wow.* ~~ Jimin's ceiling light turns on and Jungkook walks with angered face to Jimin's bed. ''what's wrong with you?'' Jungkook hisses trough his teeth. He is only wearing loose sweatpants and his face is full of anger. ''I don't know what do you mean.' Jimin gets into sitting position. ''How could you say something like that about Tae even when you know how insecure he is about his body. If stare could kill Jimin would be dead already. Jimin blinks slowly and lets his actions sink in. ''Oh god.'' ''Oh god indeed, you better to call Taehyung and fix this.'' Jungkook demands and points Jimin's phone.

Jimin selects Taehyung's contact from his phone and waits. The call goes on voice mail. Jimin frowns and opens the chat again. *Taehyung has left the chat.* Joon: * @Jimin you better to fix this or group ass kicking is waiting for you.* Hobi: *I call the first kick.* Jin: Hey thats unfair!* Hobi: *hahaa >:)* Jimin: *I know guys, I will.* ~          Jimin is standing in front of the Aquarium waiting impatiently Taehyung to get of from work. He had tried to call him many times along the day but Taehyung kept ignoring his attempts. Jimin couldn't blame him, after all he had hit on sensitive place. The reason for Taehyung's  insecurities wasn't simple shyness about his looks. Taehyung's upper body was covered with scarred burns. When Taehyung was younger he got into accident. In the building where he lived that time someones gas stove had exploded while Taehyung was home alone. He was fourteen on that time and had been blasting music on full volume from his headphones and didn't notice the smoke until it was too late. Luckily he was saved, but not before he had gained several injuries.Taehyung steps out from the employees door noticing Jimin almost instantly. His face is far from happy when Taehyung walks to his motorbike where Jimin is standing next to it.

''Hi Tae. Look I'm really sorry about what I said.'' Jimin feels the guilt eating him alive and he sifts in discomfort. ''Then why did you say it?'' Taehyung asks arms crossed. ''I was jealous.'' Jimin admits and Taehyung's eyes turn wide. ''You are jealous, about what?'' ''about Y/N...'' ''Are you saying that your love phobia is fading?'' ''I have no idea.''Jimin sighs in distress. ''Everything is just a big mess in my head.''

''Maybe you should figure it out, soon all your friends has taken her on date. I bet at least one of them will end up asking her out when this experiment is over.'' Taehyung sifts awkwardly and his face is hard to read. ''Yeah, you are right.'' Jimin admits in defeat. ''I know. And Jimin?'' Taehyung smiles softly. ''Yeah?'' ''You are forgiven.''

[realityhelixcreates]

Lasabrjotr Chapter 62: Brood XVII

Chapters: 62/? Fandom: Thor (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe Rating: Mature Warnings: Death mentions, Snap flashback Relationships: Loki x Reader (There We Go) Characters: Loki (Marvel), Thor(Marvel),  Additional Tags: Post-Endgame: Best Possible Ending (Canon-Divergent), You Don’t Know What You Got Till It’s Gone, Never Miss The Sun Till It Starts To Snow, Other Ironic Lyrics About Being Disrupted By The Loss Of A Mundane Thing

Summary:   Sometimes the things everyone complains about become a comfort. Without them, you can't sleep. Loki, however, can't stop being sneaky, even if it's for your own good.

The days marched on into late summer, the sun finally beginning to fully set again. The nights in Iceland were clear and cold, the sky stretching unbroken from horizon to horizon. It reminded you of home in its scope, but was alien in its silence.

That was becoming a problem.

The nightmares came and went every few months, building up to a peak that left you sleepless and discombobulated. You could power through it with sleep aids sometimes, but you had none right now.

The silence of Iceland must seem like a boon to most people, but the lack of late summer cicadas filling the air with their sawing reminded you far too much of the silence of that lost year.

The first dream found you wandering the barren fields, following the sound of a song, desperate to find who was singing, who else had survived. It wasn't until you felt a soft crunch under your shoe, and the song stopped, that you realized that in your scramble, you had accidentally crushed a cicada. Your only other companion in this whole dead world.

You had woken up, weeping in Loki's arms, to his clear confusion.

After that, it was the song of crickets floating over empty hills, with you seeking, always seeking the paradise they must be living in; a tree, a patch of grass, even an old log. Something living, anything. But you could never find it. Every hill you crested only brought you to more hills, the soft chirping drifting on the wind.

Or you waded through drifts of insect corpses, the tiny bodies turning into dust as you walked, until you were drowning in a sea of it.

You moved back into your own room after a few nights, tired of waking Loki up, and tired of not being able to present him with some kind of solution to your problems. He could not make it possible for noisy insects to live in Iceland, he could not remove your nightmares, and if a reality restructuring event couldn't take away your terrible memories, neither could he.

But if you just had to endure this, you could at least do it without waking him up every night. Even if his little questioning “Have I done something wrong?” broke your heart a bit. Though he must know that you weren't lying when you told him he hadn't, he didn't seem to believe it himself.

But in your own room, you could get up and pace, or mess around on your phone, or just sit at your desk and stare out the window at the stars. They seemed so bright and close.

A bit of inspiration one night led you on a Youtube search for 'ASMR Cicada Song 10 hrs'-a boon for your sleepless nights. You also found frog song, and crickets, and even cardinals. All four seasons of nature's singing...at least in Iowa. You lay your phone next to your pillow every night after, just letting the cicada recordings play. It helped a lot, but it was hard on your phone, and it meant you still couldn't go back to Loki. He surely didn't want to have to listen to this every night.

You still joined him for breakfast every day, and sometimes in the bath, allowing yourself to become more comfortable with the intimacy he so ardently wanted to share with you. In fact, despite the disrupted sleep, your schedule remained fairly normal. Magic practice and physical training, lessons with Saga, and paperwork with Loki. You even sat in with him as he saw to the needs of his petitioners, becoming more familiar with the values of the different divisions of Asgardian culture

You and Loki worked side by side on the Trolekaerhalla longhouses, not just supervising, but placing stones, and hauling earth. Some nights, when you looked out at the stars, cicadas singing from your phone, you could not get the sight of him out of your mind: hair braided back, hands dirty, carrying loads his worshipers couldn't manage by themselves. He wore workers clothes, and traced spells of blessing into the foundations, an Asgardian work song on his lips.

You had never wanted him more than when he was like that. When he just looked like a man.

That was another reason for your withdrawal into your own space. You needed time to think about what you really wanted out of this relationship.

Loki, bless him, was very patient and proper; he didn't push, and seemed more than happy to accept whatever level of affection you were comfortable giving him. It was clear that he was terribly vulnerable now-his insecurity was like a raw wound. You wished you could soothe it, but you had to figure yourself out first.

It seemed like all the pieces were there: the desire for closeness and intimacy, both physical and emotional. The mental connection. The respect, the pride, the admiration. The feeling of safety, the excitement. But something still caused you to hesitate.

It was Todd, you knew it was. Or rather, it was the baggage he had left behind. The horribly intimate knowledge that someone you trusted so deeply could treat you that way. That if one person you loved and trusted so much could do that, so could someone else. So could Loki.

You wanted so much to believe he wouldn't, that his gentleness and fervency was real, and would last.

But Todd had been the same way, at first.

And then there was the whole immortality thing. You weren't and Loki was-or lived on a time scale that meant he might as well be. If you were lucky, you might get another whole fifty to eighty years. But with your family's medical history, you might be very unlucky indeed. If a tumor began to form, if it was inoperable, like your mother and your aunt, you wouldn't even get a full year after that.

It hadn't happened yet, but it could happen at any time.

But Loki knew that, he knew about it and he wanted you anyway. Perhaps, with all of the things he'd been through, he understood the preciousness of time.

You had to think of the future too; if you didn't die young, if both you and he decided to make the relationship permanent, what would be required of you? No doubt Thor would make marriage between humans and Asgardians legal, but would the people recognize you? Would you be able to be a good wife? A good princess? With all your problems, would you even be able to keep up with your responsibilities? At that point, this relationship would effect far more people than just you and him.

And then there was the subject of children. You weren't having any. You decided long ago that you weren't suited to raising anything more complicated than a houseplant. But how disappointing would that be for Loki? Wouldn't the wife of a prince be practically required to produce at least one child to further the dynasty? Would half-Asgardian children be considered legitimate heirs? It didn't matter, because you weren't having any. You'd gotten that IUD when you'd first arrived here to make sure of it.

But would Loki be able to accept that?

How the people felt about it meant less to you. For one thing, Loki seemed perfectly willing to circumvent tradition for what he felt was right, and for another...well, you would die of old age, and he would not. He would have plenty of opportunity to marry a nice Asgardian girl and have some heirs after you were gone.

That would be fine, wouldn't it?

Well...you didn't like thinking about him with someone else, but at least you wouldn't be around for it. He shouldn't have to be lonely when you were gone, anyway.  

That was only if you two decided to stay together until you died though. You were looking for permanence and stability now. You'd been through so much that you just wanted something reliable. But did you think Loki could provide that?

He was like you, in that he had endured some dark and terrible things. But was he like you in wanting something lasting? All you knew about his previous relationships was that almost all of them were based on lies and social climbing. Had Loki ever had someone who just wanted him?

Because you did. All the time. You couldn't help but think about it; about squeezing his hips with your thighs, biting his lip, curling your fingers in his hair. About his thin slash of a mouth, his long fingers, his searing eyes.

But also his little drawings, his soft sighs when you cuddled him, the effervescent buzz of his magic. His almost-familiar accent, and his excitement over you.

He was just so...good.

He had to be better than Todd. Had to be.

You wanted to go to him at night, you wanted to let him explore you more, but the little insecurities grabbed you and pulled you back before you could get to his door. What if you changed your mind partway through, and he didn't stop? What if he was just too strong, and he accidentally hurt you?

And what if somehow you didn't measure up? A thousand years was plenty of time to get into some weird kinks, and you didn't have any that you knew of.  There were some very, very pretty ladies in the Asgardian court, and Loki had been with some of them. He never indicated which ones, but it didn't matter. They were gorgeous, and probably smoking hot in the bedroom, and you were average and vanilla. What if he found you boring in bed? Just meh. A disappointment.

No, that was Todd talking. Just some of the bullshit he cooked up to make you try harder, to control you, to enslave you to his desires.

But what if it was actually true? You hadn't been with anyone since then; there had been no one to confirm or deny it.

Maybe you should just leap?

That night you were just reaching out for the doorknob when an image of Loki filled your vision. Disheveled and beautiful, but declining to look at you. Rolling over with his back to you instead.

You went back to bed and fell asleep to the sound of cicadas on loop.

                                                                                                       *****

Something was wrong with his lady, Loki knew.

He could see it in your sunken eyes, your sluggish movements, and dampened enthusiasm. You still worked hard, but you yawned harder.

And you, blasted, stubborn mortal, would not allow him to help!

He assumed you were losing sleep, and knew it was nightmares. He was familiar with that kind of thing. He couldn't stand to leave you alone with that suffering, locked inside the darkness in your own mind. He didn't care if he ended up sharing them with you; at least you wouldn't be alone then.

He also simply missed you. Of course, you were right there during the day, available to talk to and subtly caress, but there was something sublime about sleeping next to someone you cared about. Feeling their warmth, and the solidity of their presence. He missed the reassurance of your body next to his.

But you didn't want to be in his bed anymore, you only wanted your own. Did you not feel safe next to him? Did you not feel comfortable? Did you not trust him anymore? Despite your assurances that he hadn't done anything wrong, he still felt like he must have. You'd been very earnest when you'd said he hadn't, but maybe it was an instinctual thing: He must have done something you didn't realize you didn't like, and your subconscious was telling you to pull away.

Or maybe it really was just the nightmares. He had just gotten used to it being him. If only you would talk to him about it! But you just kept telling him not to dwell on it, that it was just something you had to deal with. It drove him mad. There had to be something he could do to help.

Advice was scarce for him. Thor had shamefacedly admitted that he hadn't been able to tell what Jane had needed from him, and it was a big part of the reason why she didn't love him anymore. Loki was too preoccupied with his own worries to roll his eyes. His brother was still a fool about some things.

Brunnhilde wasn't much help either. She was a woman, like you were, but she was not like you. Her idea of love and courtship was a lot more rambunctious and...well... Asgardian.

Loki didn't know any human women who would be willing to talk to him about this. He barely knew any human men who would. Eventually, he reached out to two people-Saldis, whom he asked to report any odd behavior on your part back to him, and the only human man who he both got along with, and thought might have some knowledge of human women.

Barnes.

Barnes had told him that human women could be complicated, but from his experience, if a lady had a problem and would not talk about it, it was because she didn't think the man in her life could actually do anything about it, and didn't want him to waste his energy trying, or raise his anger through failing. So he had to decide if he wanted to risk it.

He did, of course. He wanted to do everything he could for you.  

So he waited as patiently as he could, allowing his passion to go cold and calculating, so that he could better glean through the information he was given. Saldis, so excited to be part of a secret royal plot, had discovered that you were listening to bugs on your phone, and she had sneaked a peek at your Youtube history.

Cicadas. Crickets, Tree frogs. Creatures that came alive at night, or dusk. Creatures from your home. None of them were found here. He was reminded of standing in the lovely Akureyri botanical garden, as you reminisced over a patch of inelegant but joyful coneflowers.

A taste of home. He understood. The fragrant breezes off the mountains of Asgard were no more. There were types of birdsong that would never be heard again. You needed these familiar sounds to soothe your mind.

And he needed your presence to soothe his.

He had an idea about what to do; a special present for you.

It was time for him to learn more about the mysterious land known as Iowa.

[pickalilywrites]

Can I get some wholesome Jeankasa? Any au is fine. I just need more of these cuties.

gotta write them into my GoT au somehow!

A Shining Knight

Jeankasa. ASOIAF AU. 

2262 words. 

Buy me a ko-fi!

It takes years to become a knight. Jean knows this more than anyone. He served as a page in his youth, and he’s still serving his time as a squire. His master works for the Royal House Tybur, although the knight has yet to be bestowed with the honor of becoming a part of the Kingsguard. It was unlikely that his master ever would. Only a few knights were trusted enough to become a part of the Kingsguard, and one spot has been reserved for one person in particular even though she has yet to be knighted.

“Mikasa Ackerman,” a voice behind Jean spits. It’s not uncommon to have the name said with such disgust, although most people don’t speak as loudly as the boy behind Jean does. When he glances behind him, he sees that it’s a boy that’s a year or two older than him, but the boy speaks as though he’s been serving at the castle for years. “I don’t see how anyone could possibly climb the ranks so quickly, and a girl at that. She must have done something to have people favor her so much.”

“Well, she does have the Ackerman name,” another boy says, his voice much quieter than his companion. He’s another boy who works at the castle, although Jean recognizes that the both of them are newly appointed squires despite their age. It makes Jean wonder how they have the audacity to speak so disapprovingly of a person when it’s unlikely that either of them have ever held a sword or put on armor. “They might not have much wealth or land, but they are highly respected because of their history of serving the King. Most people from House Ackerman end up serving the King in some way. Many of them even become knights and eventually serve on the Kingsguard.”

“That may be true, but even a woman?” the first speaker asks incredulously. He reaches up to ruffle the messy brown curls on his head. “Even if she has inherited some skills from her family, I doubt they would be enough to allow her to be invited to the Kingsguard so early. Usually knights serve for years before being allowed the Kingsguard, but there are rumors that she’ll be put on the Kingsguard as soon as she’s knighted. Don’t you think there’s something strange about that?”

Hearing such talk makes the back of Jean’s neck burn. Although he would hardly consider himself a friend of Mikasa Ackerman, he’s been acquainted with her for years because both of their masters serve in the castle. They had gotten off on the wrong foot, but he’s come to know that she is an honorable squire, and that she will become an even more honorable knight. If there is anyone who deserves to serve on the Kingsguard, it is her.

“Well, it is a bit strange,” the boy’s companion admits. “But the Royal Family does favor her. Perhaps she does deserve a position on the Kingsguard.”

“No, no, no,” the boy says, shaking his head. He leans over, lowering his voice but only a bit, and whispers with a wicked smile, “Don’t you think that the Royal Family favors her a bit too much? There’s no reason to spoil a squire as much as they do her, but I heard that she gets invited to the balls and dinners that the Tyburs hold despite not being a knight yet.”

His friend squirms in his seat, not quite liking where this is going but too intrigued to tell his friend to stop. “I suppose that is a bit strange…”

“And she’s quite close with the members as well,” the boy continues eagerly, not noticing that Jean has turned his head to the chattering boys and is now glaring at them with a deadly fire in his eyes. “They call her by name, isn’t that strange? King William seems especially taken to her. Apparently, they’ve been close ever since she had first been brought to the castle, even before King William ascended the throne. I wouldn’t be surprised if she were relieved of her duties as a knight as soon as he ascends the throne and made a lady. It’s a wonder that they just don’t make her a lady right now, or perhaps there’s something thrilling in a forbidden romance.” The boy laughs as if this frivolous gossip is somehow amusing.

“I see,” his friend murmurs as if this all makes sense. Is it that difficult to think that a woman possesses more talent than they ever will? Ah, listening to this senseless gossip is beginning to make Jean’s blood boil. “She is quite pretty, although women like her should never put on armor. It’s unsightly.”

“She’d probably look even more ridiculous in a dress. Not at all slender and fair like Princess Edith was,” the boy says even though hardly anyone mentions the name of the exiled princess in this castle. Perhaps he has had too much wine or maybe he’s never had any brains to start with because his words only get worse after this. “Ladies should be like Princess Edith or the Queen Mother, shouldn’t they? Or else they turn into the bad sort, sleeping around the castle. With people like her around, this castle may as well just turn into a brothel.”

“It is a pity,” his friend agrees after a bit. “Girls like Mikasa need to learn how to behave.”

“That’s right, that’s right!” the other boy says, nodding up and down. “She should be put in her place before she starts taking advantage of people in the castle.”

“Shouldn’t you think about your own place before you start deciding where others belong?” Jean’s voice is so loud in the dining area that it startles even him. He hadn’t known that he was capable of harboring so much fury. He’s gotten angry before, yes, but nothing to this degree. Before he knows it, he’s standing up and facing the two squires, who are looking up at him in surprise. “What gives you the right to judge her? She’s far more talented than you give her credit for. Is it that you two are so incompetent and insecure that you feel the need to talk poorly about her in order to feel better about yourselves?”

The first boy turns red, embarrassed to be insulted so rudely by someone younger than him. He pushes his chair back, the wooden legs scraping against the stone floors. Angrily, he turns to Jean, grabbing him by the collar and spitting, “What is this? Are you perhaps another poor fool that that wench has seduced?”

Not one to be easily intimidated, Jean grabs the boy by his thick, curly locks and yanks his head back. “Everything Mikasa has ever gotten, she has gotten on her own. She doesn’t need to trick anyone for anything,” Jean snarls. He pulls back his hand and balls it into a fist, hitting the boy across the face with a loud crack.

Jean will admit that he is not the sharpest tool in the shed. If he were, he would not have felt compelled to fight two lowly squires over foolish gossip. Unfortunately, he is exactly that stupid, which is how he ends up getting held back and kicked over and over again in the stomach. Although he’s had far more combat training than most other squires his age, he cannot win a duel of numbers. Still, he does not regret his actions, feeling a sense of pride over that one lone punch he was able to throw even as his body is being brutally kicked.

The boys, of course, feel no remorse for their words. They only see a younger squire meddling with their conversation. Of course, that boy must be taught a lesson. Like the girl they had been so cruelly discussing, this boy must also be put in his place. It doesn’t matter that the way they do it is dishonorable - teaming up on a boy that is younger than them - but they see nothing wrong with that. They only want someone to push their frustrations onto, and Jean had conveniently volunteered himself with his outburst. Unfortunately, they are so preoccupied with venting their frustrations that they don’t notice the girl behind them.

Jean had been knocked nearly unconscious by that point, so he cannot completely recall what happened that time. All he can remember is that the boys were startled at someone else’s appearance. The last thing he recalls is his head hitting the floor as the two squires scrambled to escape. The other bits and pieces are what he collects from people afterward - that Mikasa had arrived and had knocked out the other boys senseless. He doesn’t have to have seen any of that to believe that it happened. He knows far too well what Mikasa is capable of.

When he finally awakens, he finds himself in the infirmary with a wet cloth pressed to his forehead. He turns slightly to see Mikasa beside him, dabbing gently at the wound on his head where he had hit the floor. She smiles at him gently and presses him back against the bed.

“You got into a fight,” she tells him.

He blinks at her, the only person who could have saved him. “So did you,” he says, “but you don’t seem to have a scratch on you.” His tone is a little jealous, but it’s tinged with admiration. That’s often the tone he takes when he speaks about her.

Mikasa shrugs. “You did most of the work.”

He knows for a fact that he didn’t, but he knows Mikasa will never admit to saving him. She’s never been one to brag about her accomplishments. Ah, but that’s just another one of the many things he admires about her.

After she’s satisfied with his wound, she places the rag she was using in a nearby basin. She looks at him, her gray eyes studying Jean carefully. “It was my fault that you got into that fight anyway,” she tells him.

“That’s not true,” Jean says. He tries to sit up, but a sharp, stabbing pain makes him clutch at his ribs. After he’s managed to catch his breath, he repeats, “I just … couldn’t stand what they were saying about you. But it’s not as if you need anyone to fight for your honor. I did it because it pissed me off. That’s all.”

“You needn’t mind what they say about me, Jean,” she says. She picks at an invisible thread on her trousers, a somber expression on her face. “I know what they say about me. It doesn’t bother me one bit.”

“But it bothers me,” Jean snaps. Realizing that his tone is too harsh, he looks down at his lap and mumbles an apology. He shouldn’t be taking out his frustration on her. That would make him a hypocrite. He sighs, rubbing his face with a hand. “It’s not that I did it to protect you. I did it because … the words they said reminded me of things I used to say about you.” He hangs his head as he says this, but Mikasa is smiling.

“Is that so?” she asks. “But that was so long ago. We were practically children.”

It may have happened years ago, but Jean still remembers it as if it had happened yesterday. He was young - hardly even twelve years of age - and he was fuming because Mikasa was being appointed to squire even though she had only served as a page for three years. He had observed her over the years and knew she was talented and hardworking, but he couldn’t believe that she would be so talented as to become a squire in such a short amount of time. He was convinced that there was something else at play - favoritism because she hailed from House Ackerman, her special relationship with the Royal Family, her master going easy on her because she was a girl. Infuriated, he had confronted her, demanding that she prove herself by dueling him in a sword fight. It hadn’t even taken her five minutes to have him pinned to the ground, the heel of her boot digging into his chest and the tip of her sword pointed at his neck. He knew how much of a fool he had been as soon as she disarmed him, and he still regrets doubting her abilities.

“I was flattered thinking you fought them to defend my honor,” Mikasa says, interrupting Jean’s thoughts. “It felt a bit like I had my own shining knight, but perhaps I’m thinking too much of myself.”

Her words surprise him, although he’s not sure why. Perhaps it’s because it has never occurred to him that Mikasa would have such thoughts. He had assumed that she was too invested in her goals - working at the castle, becoming a knight, protecting the Royal Family - to think about such things, but maybe he had been wrong in that assumption just like he had been wrong to assume all those things he had thought about her so many years ago. She is a lot of things - strong, resilient, a knight-to-be - but she is also a girl, Jean remembers. It makes him want to protect her even more.

She is not wrong in thinking that he had fought those squires off for her. That had definitely been part of the reason after all, but he doubts that he can become any sort of knight to her. He doesn’t deserve that honor.

[pantsusnifferr]

2019, healed up and ready to work towards a better 2020

As per the tradition I started last year, (haha can barely be called a tradition with it only being a year old.) am gonna be writing down my thoughts and reflections about the previous year, before penning down my thoughts and goals for the year looking forward.

Even though I had a lot of goals last year (maybe some more optimistic than others) some which I ultimately didn’t accomplish, I still managed to hit some those goals and accomplish a lot more!

These are the goals I had last year:

1. BE SERIOUS WITH ART

2. BE HEALTHIER (SUCCESS)

3. MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS WITH FRIENDS (SUCCESS AND MORE!)

4. LEARN HOW TO DRIVE (LOL)

5. LEARN NIP SPEAK

6. LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE BASS

7. RESTART YOUTUBE/TWITCH

8. TAKE STEPS TO IMPROVE BUSINESS (Succ)

Maybe I’m casting my net too wide, maybe I wasn’t exactly serious about those goals in the first place...who knows?

But the fact that I came into 2019 as an unhealthy, Lonely wreck with a crazily unstable business, and emerged from it with double the sales of last year, drastically improved health (still fat though haha) and people whom i care about (and i hope they care about me too), is a really comfy feeling altogether.

2019 is really a roller coaster with its fair share of ups and downs but I’d like to think that the past year alone has presented me with a lot of opportunities that i have thankfully taken. (As opposed to the me a couple of years before who’d stupidly let these opportunities pass as i would be too lazy or couldn’t be arsed.) Watching a friend of mine do the things she wanted without fear of the unknown just made me want to try more and live more!

Health ♥

I started the year badly when my endocrinologist told me that i might develop diabetes over the next couple of years if i didn’t take care of my health properly. I was already a doomer about my health at that point, thinking that everything would be too hard to do and it was probably too late for me to do anything about it....in hindsight perhaps it was because i probably needed that kick in the balls to get my arse off to do something about it.

It was only until a couple of months down the road i had a skin cancer + kidney failure health scare that got me wanting to better my health. Now THAT was the perfect kick in the nuts i needed. At the moment, health issues wasn’t the only thing that was coursing through my mind. I WANTED TO LIVE.

Perhaps it was the realisation that i haven’t really lived at all, perhaps it was the realisation that my life was in a mess and i wasn’t satisfied. Maybe its the realisation that i lack control in my life all these times.

I don’t really know to be honest, all i know is it made me want to try. To try to live more to try to be healthier...afterall there’s nothing wrong with trying right?

So i started with my diet, and i found out that counting calories and eating healthy food actually isn’t that bad at all! In fact a lot of my favourite meals are actually pretty healthy! Just gotta cut out the garbage...

And Running! Oh my god...it isn’t like how PE classes were like back in Primary or secondary school! Couch to 5k is really fun to do and I’m so Glad my friends whom offered to teach me how to gym back then are open to the idea of me joining them again. Also went hiking with other friends and hit the gym together with them too!

All in all I’ve lost about 17kg in total and I’m on the track to lose even more in this coming year. Also i ended the year with my lab reports where my blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol and kidneys is healthy and fine!!

School 🏫

So 2019 is also the year which I’ve started school for the first time in 4 years...(haha 8 years if you don’t count NYP and their ‘school’ stuff. I felt surprisingly at ease during my lessons and studying for the exams, (granted i missed a couple of assignments if not i would’ve gotten an A for my marketing module grrr)

Still, i should study a little harder and not rely on the power of last min cramming aaa..

That being said, things will be looking forward as Long as i could keep my grades up!

3.6 GPA though, 73% reee

ART 🎨

Haha i drew Peni Parker this year...Didn’t sell any though, but it still remains one of my proudest pieces as of yet. Also i did a reprint of the Sayori keychain and I sold out for another year! Yay!

I’m Glad i got to meet new friends and some other anons who’re in the pursuit of doing art. A little disappointed that i didn’t go further into it last year but here’s to a better art year in 2020 yeah?

FRIENDS AND RELATIONSHIPS 🐝

Managed to be a better person overall and fixed my personal insecurities, made new friends and found closer friends with those who’re important to me. I tried to be more outgoing and open minded with the people i meet and to the people around me. Hanging out with friends, trying new things and working with each other to grow as people is something I’d want to do even more in the coming year.

I am so Glad i found people who’re as like minded as me. Online and offline, in the beginning of this year, a friend from Finland came over to visit Singapore and i hung out with her together with new and old friends. Made me feel like a normie for the first time in my life. 10/10 will do again.

Although its a shame that i wasn’t able to do the same for my extended family, mainly my cousins and childhood friends. I Guess over the years we’ve just become different people with different lives. I even managed to miss one of their 21st birthday parties oof...

I’m going to double my efforts to try and reconnect with them again! They’re important to me and i should treat them as such!

COMPANY 📈

Nothing much to say here, even though business in the individual months were pretty garbage, we’ve still managed to emerge from the year with 100k more in sales than the previous year! Bringing that total to almost $250k in sales!

Still not a huge fan of plants and stuff tbh, but i really cannot deny that this business provides me with financial stability (at least for the time being) that allows me to pursue my other interests and hobbies.

Also by some miracle we’ve managed to keep a 5.0 rating for the entire year lmao. Also did our first corporate and wedding gifts!

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS OF THE YEAR

Got a Nintendo switch!

Found more gaming and weeb friends!

Made contact with old classmates and friends!

Got a new camera!

So what’s next for 2020?

I want to have less regrets! Become a nicer and kinder person, yet be firm in my principals. LIVE MORE! EXPERIENCE MORE! DON’T BE AFRAID, DON’T BE LAZY

HARD WORK AND GUTS!

Rekindle ties with those whom i deem important to me.

Start my YouTube channel as a Vtuber and myself

Start YouTube channel for company

Join the weeb club to find more gamer weeb friends!

Study hard!

Learn weebspeak maybe?

Continue to work hard for health and company!

Learn 2 songs on either the bass on ukulele

Draw at least ONCE A MONTH (shouldn’t be too hard do it lazyass!)

Be more confident and social!

Here’s to an awesome 2020!

[asktrological-blog]

Smells like Teen Holistic

Wow wow wow! We are MONTHS away from leaving our 20-teens! How are you all feeling? Excited? Lethargic? Everything in between? Well here we are, and here I am...for all your astrological advice needs! Since this is my first posting and I currently do not have any questions yet (FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT ANONYMOUS QUESTIONS IN ASK) I figured I would insert my cosmic opinions into the world. Let’s start with the primal, the first...

Aries: Breathe. Sister, it ain’t personal. Leaving your teens means leaving behind the toxic patterns in your life you know no longer suit you. You are a pro at setting ablaze what does not serve your wellbeing, but sometimes, when there's a lot to burn, you end up with the lifelong scars. Tone down the intensity of your blue flame and find ways to relax so you can communicate your needs authentically. Breathe. Get into nature and remember to be still. Quiet the voice in your head that tells you to go and balance it with the soothing voice asking you to stay. 

Taurus: Find self love. You’re usually THEE homebody (looking at you, cancer) but lately you’ve felt the need to be PART OF IT ALL. Good. Engage and be social, your spirit NEEDS it and you know this. But understand that the approval and validation of others FAILS in comparison to the love you give yourself, firstly. And ironically, after you give yourself the authority to be validated (BY YOURSELF), others give it to you, too. Leaving your teens means leaving the insecurity of others validation and approval of your being. You’re a queen!

Gemini: Accept yourself. Similar to taurus, the difference is you’re mad. “I’m not mad!” Gemini scoffs, as the anger builds on the other side. Understandably so, sweet gemini. You are so misunderstood! But the polarity is you are MEANT to be misunderstood. As humans, we are walking contradictions and anomalies and NO ONE IS PERFECT. Stop trying to be what you think you should be. Everything you are and everything you are not, is perfect. Leaving your teens means leaving behind the notion that you need to “fit in” to be accepted. Accept your weirdness. Only then will you find your spot in the light & the dark. 

Cancer: Be brave, not lazy. Sweet cancer, no one truly understands exactly the personal hell 20-teens has given you. And here you are, still trying to love. Try your best to not be bitter, and keep those claws off those who have not hurt you. And try not to latch your claw onto those who have. Leaving your 20-teens means leaving behind the “pity party”. It is scary to NOT be the baby, to take care of yourself, but you can do it! And you know you can! Get out of bed, crying if you have to, and start walking forward. You always find a way! NOW GO FORTH!

Leo: Purr gets the honey roar gets the money! Leo season just left us but we are all still riding the high. Leo, you need no lesson on how to purr...it is your speciality. But understanding the difference between a purr and a roar is your power now. Sometimes one is needed more than the other, and it is your duty leaving your teens to differentiate the two. Understanding the similarities and differences helps you stay the King of the Jungle, (without having to do much.)

Virgo: Find the beauty in imperfection. It is your role in the zodiac to see what needs to be fixed, what can be improved, and how it feels to have symmetry in motion. But lately, cosmically, the balance has been moody, wavy, and unpredictable at best. I can only imagine the anxiety Virgo has felt the past year, with all the shifts and messes left uncleaned. Instead of being stressed about what you cannot fix, find solace in what you enjoy. Leaving your teens is a huge lesson for Virgo on how to let go and just be. As the great Marilyn Monroe said: “imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and I’d rather be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” Embrace the imperfect and try not to fix it. 

Libra: STOP THINKING. Wow I’m going to keep this short and sweet because you probably aren't even listening anyway. YOUR BRAIN DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IT WANTS OR IS TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW. Emotions are NOT your forte’, and your brain is over emotional right now. Leaving your teens means understanding when things are dramatic for dramas sake and when you are actually needed to step up. Stop doing “what I want” and do “what I need”.

Scorpio: Express yourself. Why have you been hiding scorpio? The mysterious sign has always been comfortable in the shadows but you are very much needed to be part of the action. You feel this, but choose to only speak up when the water has drowned you already and your last resort is to scream for help. Learn to reach out before that point. I understand vulnerability is intensely scary, so start small. Reach out through your art, your writing, your creativity. Leaving your teens means opening the gateway between your physical and the cerebral. Allow others to see you, because you are WORTH being seen, Express it.

Sagittarius: Humble your feet to the group and to the ground. Dear archer, you understand big picture more than most, but your tunnel vision can be your downfall moving forward. Understand at this time, you are the student not the teacher, and there is a kind of relief knowing that responsibility doesn't resolve around you. Right now you are called to LISTEN vs. talk, and I personally feel sagittarius is going through a transformational period. Leaving your teens means learning to take accountability for your faults, as well as your glories. Celebrate the mundane. And acknowledge when you are wrong, with grace and humility. Only then will you be victorious, ironically.

Capricorn: Choose your mountain carefully. Capricorns are often misunderstood as earth. Which they are, but they are also part water...making Caps especially vulnerable to their emotions compared to their other earth siblings. Capricorns are equipped with the control and discipline to get shit done. But this often leaves Cap lonely, as they literally do anything (including throwing others under the bus) to get on top their mountain. Be careful what you are climbing, and what you make that mountain to be. Is it success? Is it money? Is it a position? I highly suggest making your mountain something you WANT to attain. Like self love, self confidence, or even “how much can I learn?” Capricorn loves nothing but a challenge, and this cannot be changed. But leaving your teens means understanding what game and mountain you choose to play. Choose carefully.

Aquarius: REIGN. I have no other words or advice for you because YOU are the advice bringers into this day-in-age. The Age of Aquarius. The only advice I can give is to not let anyone tell you ‘no’. Speak your mind, speak your voice, with the confidence bestowed upon you at this time. Leaving your teens, star child, only means you are growing into yourself. I love you, water bearers. Keep shining!

Pisces: Be alone. My dear fish, are you ever alone? I do not know if this request is possible, but to be in the realm of individuality is your calling now. You are the twin fish, two, always. But when you make each one, individually strong, the pair is unbreakable. Leaving your teens means leaving the notion that you are not whole, alone. You are everything you need, and more. No one hold the magic you do. Understand that strength in your uniqueness. Be optimistic, and love. No matter what. Dream on, daydreamers.

This was intuitively written and so fun! Please feel free to leave questions in my ask! I really would love to be an “ASK PHEOBE” (from charmed) type...but for the subject that has had my heart since day 1.

xoxo

-Michi the Stargirl

[anxiety-n-chill]

Draft of My Ohmtoonz Fanfic

Chapter Warnings:

Homophobia, Cursing, Mention of shooting and guns and death, Mental Breakdown, Crying, Abuse, Anxiety, Insecurities.

____________________________________

    Sickness was not always physical. For example, depression.

I had always been a happy person, or at least I tried my best, but recently it's become impossible to even fake it. I know it's just petty internet shit, we all deal with haters, but it's not the same. These people seem to know me, know my weaknesses.

'Your shit sucks, Luke. Fucking quit already'.

'Faggot!'

'You and Ohmwrecker god fucking queers'.

'Your father must fucking be so disappointed'.

'Should've been aborted'.

Positive people, true fans, protected me in the replies, but it didn't help. These just struck me. It's like they knew...knew about my secrets.

My laptop interrupted my thoughts with the familiar ring of a Skype call. I debated on ignoring it, but keeping myself in this depressing slump would just make things worse. I scooted my chair away from my setup and grabbed the laptop off my bed. I briefly smiled and the little collage of bunny stickers.

Opening up, I see the call was from the one and only Ohmwrecker. With a breathy chuckle, I answer.

"Good day, Ohmie," I greet. As usual, Ohm had his camera turned off, and I returned it with my own camera off.

"Toonzy! How's you?" Ryan's little giggle sends another smile on my face.

"Good..." I swallow as the hate comments return in my mind. Ryan catches this somehow; he's one of my best friends, of course he would.

Ryan gets serious. "Don't lie to me, Luke. What's up, man?"

I sigh and admit I had read the hate comments on my recent video. This isn't the first time I've put myself through torment like this, and Ryan had comforted me then too.

"Oh, Luke," Ryan says quietly, "We talked about this. Maybe it's best to turn off the comments on videos if they're getting bad like that."

"It would raise questions from fans," I answer, "And I can't ignore the true fans. I just...I just wish I was so damn sensitive."

"You're not sensitive, Luke," Ryan comforts, "Maybe go over to Del's house for a bit. He'd certainly get your mind off things."

I debate this for a minute. It wouldn't be a bad idea, and I haven't hung out with Jon in a while.

"Yeah I think I will," I say, "I'll text him now. I'll call you later, maybe we can record? Oh, also, thanks for the bunny stickers."

I hear Ryan give another laugh.

"Of course, Toonzy. See ya."

"Love ya, man."

And with that, I end the call. I place the laptop back onto my bed and return to my setup. Grabbing my phone, I send a quick text to Jon.

'yo u open to hang?'

I doubted he would be awake at 2pm, but it was worth a shot. To my surprise, my phone dinged soon after I laid it down.

'helllll yeah! just cum ovr whenevr man'

'k, ill get there in about an hour'

'cool beans'

I lay my phone back down and look at my desktop. The comments were still open on the screen.

'Faggot'.

'Queer'.

'Burn in hell, gay bitch'.

I close the tab with a sharp inhale. Ryan is right, looking at these won't help. I need to get out.

Before I change my mind, I go get a pair of jeans and a clean shirt. Freshening up and splashing some water on my face calms me down a bit. I slide on my boots and grab my phone, then my keys.

I head out of my house, making sure to lock my door behind me. As I walk to the driver's side of my car, I reach over my hood to swat away the neighborhood stray cat off. It gives me a disapproving look and runs away into the hole of my neighbor's fence.

As soon as my car starts, a song softly starts to play though the speakers.

"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you."

That's depressing, too depression for me. I click the station off and connect it to Bluetooth, quickly restarting a podcast I had began last week.

Nothing interesting broke me from my depressing and lonely thoughts on the way over to Jon's. I guess the universe wants me to suffer.

The ride wasn't as long as I expected, guess I zoned out. Turning off my phone and car, I exit and make my way up to Jon's front door.

The doorbell was able to be faintly heard outside, though it was drowned out by the sound of pounding footsteps.

Jon opens the door wide and stands there with a big smile. "CARTOONZ," he laughs loudly.

Jon, surprisingly, was a lot taller than me, even taller than Bryce. He had black hair than stayed in a short buzz, and he has a bit of a stumble on his chin. His skin was very pale, and his eyes were a dark gray. Jon is a lanky fellow, but don't doubt his strength. He's a stubborn bitch.

"Hey, man," I chuckle and give him a quick hug. He closes the door behind me and leads me into his kitchen.

"Coke?" I nod and he tosses a Pepsi to me and grabs a 7up for himself. I silently disagree with his choice, but hey, he's a hater of Pepsi and is kink enough to keep some in his fridge for me.

"So what's good," he asks as he leaps up onto his counter to sit. I lean against on the counter beside him.

"Um..." I know I should talk to him about it, but Jon is like my little brother. I shouldn't put this all on him.

  "Ey man," Jon says more seriously, "What's wrong, Luke."

  I give him the same story as Ryan. My heart feels heavy again.

  Jon's knuckles are white at the edge of the countertop. "Fucking assholes. Wish I could teach em a lesson," he growls.

  "Jon, they're probably kids.." I say. Jon nods but is still tense.

  "I don't want anything to happen to you, Luke," he says quietly, "Not after high school."

  I gulp. I dated Jon's sister, Lucille, in high school, and me and Jon got close. Though her and I aren't together now, him and I still see each other as family. I grew up with depression, and Jon was there along with Lucille. They saw the worst of me.

  "I'm not a teen anymore," I mumble, "I should be able to handle this."

  "You aren't expect to handle shit! Lil fuckfaces shoulda grow up!" he says sternly. I smile a bit at his frustrated face.

  "I know, Jonny," I sigh, "but hey, they're not wrong..."

  Jon snorts, "They are. Bein' bi don't make you uh-uh fag!"

  I came out to Jon a bit after I left Lucille. It wasn't a rough breakup, even after dating for 8 years. We both knew it just wasn't for us as adults, more like a teen fling. Anyway, coming out to Jon was rough. He was accepting, and even told me he was gay. We cried together in our shared apartment. Afterwards, we drank cheep beer and played Mario cart.

  I give a little chuckle and Jon belts out a loud laugh. This is why this dumbfuck was my best friend. He can never fail to make me laugh.

"Hey, so me and Ohm wanna record t'night," I say after we calm down, "You up for some?" I see Jon dart his eyes for a second and bite the inside of his mouth. Fuck, what did this boy do now.

"Uh well I gots plans," he says awkwardly, "I promise Ev-Vanoss...that I'd play GTA." That's nothing unusual, so why is he all flustered?

"What's up, though? You're gettin all red," I ask with concern. Jon takes a chug from his 7up and swallows slowly to waste time.

"Uh...Vanoss wants to meet up."

"Oh shit," I gasp. Jon hasn't met the others- in person at least. Meaning they haven't seen his face. None of them know why he don't show his face expect me.

Bullies fucking suck.

"So...are you gonna?" I ask after a pause. Jon gulps and shrugs.

"I wanna...b-but ya know man," he sighs, "What if it gets online, or he expect something else."

I've heard this from Jon many times whenever he brings up fans wanting a face reveal. But this is different. This is his best friend Evan asking.

"Don't if you don't wanna 100%," I say, "I'll go with you if that'ul help." Jon nods and finishes his drink.

"I'll think about it."

After a few hours of watching movies and playing games, I say bye and head home. As soon as I do, a text lights up my phone.

'you home, toonz?'

I quickly unlock my phone to answer Ryan.

'yeah am now wuzzup?'

'bryce wants to play duo with me on some new game, trynna see what game you got in mind'

'uno?'

'I'm up for it, maybe he can join and put off his game'

'cool with me'

I head to my bedroom after grabbing a slice of pizza from last nights dinner. I open up my desktop and go to tumblr just to waste time as Ryan tries to convince Bryce to play.

- - -

So this is the first chapter (draft) and I would like opinions! There’s another little part after this that switches to Del’s POV with Vanoss n shit but I’m pretty solid on that. Feel free to criticize :3