#if I don’t see my best friend Taylor Swift all over my social medias tonight yall have been WARNED

[blendinblandin]

“don’t post concert spoilers :(“ sucks to be you I guess but if I don’t see concert spoilers I’m going to end up on the national news

[lovesosweeet]

better left unsaid // cth

chapter thirty six

in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.

calum hood x fem!oc

read other chapters

november 5, 2018 san diego, california orion

Spending my 22nd birthday going to visit my new oncologist was not my plan. I hadn’t made much effort to make it happen, but I was hoping to just have a night out in LA with Emelia, her roommates, and some of my classmates. I already had a reservation set up at my favorite rooftop bar for ten people. 

I knew Cal had a show — Amsterdam — so I didn’t expect to get to spend it with him. I figured he’d call me after he got offstage while I was out with my friends and I’d answer, tipsy from a few too many espresso martinis, and it would be sweet and everyone with me would think it was so cute that he was so busy but still so present in our relationship.

Clearly, nothing like that is happening today. The only thing that’s the same is Emelia. She’s coming over tonight. I think my moms are getting us all Thai food and we’ll watch a movie or play a game, and I think we’ll have a bonfire, but the night is looking very differently than what I’d planned months ago. Today is the day I find out how chemo went and whether or not I get to live a little longer.

While Mama drives to the hospital, she and Mom are talking about something I stopped paying attention to a long time ago. I’m grateful both of them are coming with me to learn about my fate. My mind is just spinning and I can’t even pin down a single thought, so I find myself distracting my brain by doomscrolling on social media and reading happy birthday texts. 

From: kaykay (5sos groupies) happy birthday orion! miss ya and love ya! From: crystal (5sos groupies) baby o!!!! we miss you so so much! we’ll all be home soon and want to see your sweet face if you’ll have us. happy birthday ❤️ From: sierra (5sos groupies) sweet orion!! missing you more than ever! happiest of birthdays to the prettiest of girls ❤️

Macy tagged me in an Instagram story of a collage of pictures we have together—random chemo selfies, the night we celebrated her being cancer free, and the tour sendoff party that happened what feels like a lifetime ago. “MOST BEAUTIFUL BIRTHDAY GIRL EVER! LOVE YOU LONG TIME TY FOR BEING THE BEST” she wrote on top of the photo.

Emelia posted a carousel of our pictures from the past three years, including a very cringey one of us on the first day of class freshman year. We’d somehow shown up to class wearing nearly identical outfits and we decided we were destined to be friends, which was a correct assessment. The most recent one was last week at the beach, when we had a sunset picnic. “Strongest, bravest, kindest, most passionate (and stubborn) girl on the planet. Happy birthday to my soul sister. There’s no one who loves like you and I love having your love in my life. 22 is no match for you! ‘Til death, my friend.” 

Ashton has a photo of us getting gelato in Rome two years ago. I think Giuseppe took the picture, but the memory is blurry. All I remember is how divine my pistachio gelato tasted and how jealous Ash was of how much better mine was than his. In the picture, I’m happily taking a lick from mine while Ashton pouts at me, holding his cup of banana gelato that he’d hardly touched. His caption is short and sweet. “Happy birthday to the best girl I know (sorry @kaykay).”

I don’t follow him anymore, but I pull up Cal’s profile to see if he’s posted any stories or anything else today. When his profile picture indicates that he has posted a story I haven’t viewed, out of habit, I check it. Even if he checks who’s viewed it, I’ll only be one of literal thousands, so I doubt he’ll be able to see me as a viewer. He posted a picture of himself on stage last night, and today, he just took a screenshot of listening to 22 by Taylor Swift on Spotify. 

He’s saying happy birthday, even if he isn’t. 

From: paula (lavapies forever) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAV ESTADOUNIDENSE!!! love you miss you!!!  From: giuseppe (lavapies forever) oh!! happy birthday orion!!! how did I end up in this group chat….. ? From: marta (lavapies forever) feliz cumple, orion!! te echo de menos!!!  From: ilse (lavapies forever) HAPPY BDAY ORION! ❤️ From: paula (lavapies forever) giu you’re one of the girlies sorry

I haven’t texted the “5SOS groupies” back yet, and am uncertain of whether or not I will, but I do text back my former flatmates (and Giuseppe). 

To: lavapies forever muchisimas gracias!!!! miss you all!!! also, have some news for you guys From: ilse (lavapies forever) FINALLY From: paula (lavapies forever) when were you gonna tell us you guys broke up!!!!!! what happened?!?!?!? From: marta (lavapies forever) seriously! how could you not tell us?! but yes what happened we are dying to know the details From: giuseppe (lavapies forever) oh yeah fran asked if i knew anything but obviously i do not  To: lavapies forever so… its not so much that i need to tell you about the breakup? i don’t know how else to say it than to just say it so i’m just gonna say it i have leukemia so cal and i broke up i’m actually on my way to the doctor rn to see how my chemotherapy treatments went

When the group chat activity halts, I know they’re now all confused and in shock. My friends aren’t exactly known for not having something to say. I leave the WhatsApp app to give them time to process and go to my regular messages to see who else has reached out.

From: lucas Hey, O. Just popping in to say happy birthday! Sent you a Venmo—have a martini on me. Hope you’re doing okay!

Every other notification is just miscellaneous family members and a few classmates who are just as out of the loop as the general public is on what’s happening in my life. I guess I should probably share something on my social media about what’s going on. I don’t want the fans to know, but I can tell my classmates and people I actually know. I decide I’ll post something later today, once I’ve heard whatever news that the oncologist is about to share with me. 

Right when I’m locking my phone, it starts buzzing with an incoming Facetime from Paula. I tell my moms I’ll be on a call before I answer.

“Hey,” I say as her face fills my screen.

“I wish you’d told me sooner,” is how Paula starts the call. 

I frown. “It’s kinda hard to say over text. I’m sorry.”

“So call! Orion, what the hell! This is huge and I don’t know why you wouldn’t think we’d want to know!” 

I contemplate what to say next. I should be an expert at this after having to break the news Calum. “If it makes you feel better, I didn’t tell Cal until last month.” 

Paula’s mouth drops and I can tell she’s about to dwell on this instead of the actual news. “So he broke up with you?!” 

“What? No!” I sigh. “No, I broke up with him.” 

Her face contorts with confusion and she shakes her head, the idea rattling around in her brain. “You broke up with him?! Because you have cancer?!”

“Please don’t make me talk about this, Pau, it’s all anyone wants to talk about and I’m tired of it.” 

“No! We are going to talk about this! You guys are perfect together and you broke up with him in the middle of a life threatening diagnosis? What the fuck, Orion?” 

“Can we talk about this tomorrow?” I beg. “It’s my birthday. I promise I’ll call you tomorrow and I’ll let you know how things went today.”

She groans. “Fine, but only because it’s your birthday!” 

“Orion,” Mama says, catching my attention. “We’re here.”

I nod and look back to my phone. “¿Hablaremos mañana?”

Pau nods. “Mañana.”

Paula and I hang up then, and I tuck my phone into the pocket on my black sweatpants. We get out of the car and walk to the door of the cancer center, checking in at the desk and going to the waiting room. I feel like I’ve done all of this a million times now, but I haven’t felt this nervous about it in a long time. 

They call my name to come back, and we trudge slowly after the nurse and we sit in a sterile exam room that looks just like every other sterile exam room in the world. While we wait for the doctor to come in, my moms and I sit in silence. I don’t think anyone wants to say anything. I know I don’t.

Five minutes of waiting later and then there’s a knock on the door. My new doctor, Dr. Gupta, walks in with his clipboard and the nurse in tow. He takes a seat on the wheeled stool and moves it closer to me so that we’re only about a foot or two apart. 

“Good morning,” he says. “And, happy birthday.”

I give him a tense smile. “Thanks.” 

I had to come in last week for another biopsy and a full blood panel again to be able to assess the status of my cancer, so today is literally just to talk about the results. They also have me a full body exam to check my lymphnodes and other symptoms. Given the look on Dr. Gupta’s face from the moment he walked in, whatever he’s going to say isn’t good.

“Orion, there isn’t an easy way to say this, so I’m sorry,” he says, off to a horrible start. “The chemo hasn’t made much of a dent in the leukemia, and I’m afraid it’s progressing.” 

I look over at my moms who are clenching their jaws and squeezing each other’s hands. I’ll cry if I watch, so I look back to Dr. Gupta. 

“You have options, though. We can continue to try to find you a bone marrow donor, and there are a number of trials that are available, we’d just need to transfer you back to LA.” 

I shake my head. “I can’t go back to LA.” 

“Honey, you can go back—-“

I cut Mom off. “I’m not doing trials. I can’t. I’m sorry, but I’m not doing something else that will make me feel miserable and we don’t even know if it’s going to work. Besides, I’ll get what, maybe a year or two out of it if they do work?”

I look at Dr. Gupta to confirm, and he pulls his mouth into a slight frown. 

“There’s no guarantee on timelines or results, but, roughly, given your case, that’s what we’d be looking at.” 

“Right, and I’ll get like… a year, a few months if we just stop doing things?” 

Dr. Gupta sighs. “Again, we can’t say for certain, but roughly, yes, about a year.” 

“Yeah, I’m not doing anything. Can I go now?” I stand up, grabbing my bag. 

“Orion, at least hear about what options—“

I spin around, quickly, to face my moms. “I’m not doing anything.”

They look at me with tears in their eyes, begging me to stay and listen, but I don’t want to. 

“I want to go home. I want to live comfortably and just have time with people I care about. It doesn’t matter. I’m going to die anyway. It doesn’t even matter, and I’m not going to LA again.” 

We have a silent argument with just our eyes before they look to Dr. Gupta.

“Can we have the pamphlets on the trials? We can discuss this at home and let you know.”

Dr. Gupta quickly hands them the stack of brochures he’s had on top of his clipboard. “You don’t have to decide anything today, and please call me if you have any questions.” 

I walk out of the room then. I don’t want to dwell in there and I don’t want to dwell on what I’ve just learned. I can’t think about it. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. I just can’t spend my birthday thinking about it all. Today I’m supposed to celebrate my life, not the impending date of my death. 

—

We’re having a bonfire in the backyard with my family, Emelia, and Macy — complete with gelatin-free marshmallows and a crock pot full of mulled wine — when my phone starts going crazy. I try to ignore it and just enjoy the night with Emelia and Macy, who are listening to and respecting my wishes not to talk about the news of the day. I promise them we’ll talk about it tomorrow. 

My phone has probably buzzed twelve times in the past two minutes, and Emelia ends up taking my phone off the arm of the wooden chair I’m sitting in to look at it, apparently annoyed by all the notifications. She unlocks my phone for herself and her eyes grow wider as she looks at whatever notifications I’ve gotten.

“Jesus,” she whispers, scrolling through whatever it is. 

“What is it?” Macy asks before she takes another sip of her hot wine. 

“Um…” Em says, trailing off, still staring at my phone’s screen.

I hold my hand out for her to give me my phone back, and she pulls it further away from me, her eyes still glued to the bright screen. I can see it’s a text thread with a lot of texts from the other person.

“Give me my phone,” I instruct, holding my hand closer to her.

“It’s not good, are you sure?” 

I roll my eyes. “Em, there’s nothing worse than hearing that your chemotherapy didn’t help your terminal cancer on your birthday. I can handle whatever the hell someone texted me.” 

She sighs and hands my phone to me. “I warned you.” 

I take in what’s on my screen and feel my stomach start to churn. She’s right. It’s not good.

From: mike-o cliff-o yknow what orion, fuck you i don’t give a fuck that it’s your birthday FUCJ YOU my band, my BEST FRIENDS, aren’t speaking because you couldn’t tell the truth thos is your fault calum won’t even LOOK at ash! howrdare you you had no right to come into our lives and fuck up the one thing that matters most to all of us and then just LEAVEW do you know how depressed cxalum is he doesn’t do anything except show up on stage and drink and whineand moanmb he’s a fucking qwreck and that’s on yuo you play this innocnt sweet act that you’re jsut being kind and whatever bllshit you tell yourself but you and i both know you’re actually a shitty person what kind of person doesn’t tell their partner they have CACNDR and then BROAKS UP WITH THEM over it fuck you. i hope it’s terminal. and i hpoe it sucks.

My eyes start to water as I read through everything, but I try to remember that Michael is clearly very drunk. 

“No, he doesn’t get to make you cry on your birthday. Give me that, I’m texting a screenshot of that shit to Crystal.” Emelia holds her hand out for my phone again, but I hug it to my chest. 

“No, it’s fine. He doesn’t mean it, and he deserves to be mad.” 

“What? Who texted you?” Macy asks from my other side. I sigh and hand my phone to her so she can read it all. 

“It’s fine, he’s drunk. If that made him feel better to say that, it’s fine.” 

Emelia is fuming next to me and watching as Macy’s face gets more and more concerned while she reads what Mike sent. I don’t want to let them sway me. I don’t care what he sent. 

“Holy shit, O, that’s not okay,” Macy says while she hands me my phone. 

“It’s fine, I don’t care.”

But I do.

read next chapter

[random-imagines-blog]

Just in Your Heart {Taylor Swift x ChubbyMale!Reader}

Requested by: @lunchawx Wordcount: 2114 Summary: After five years of dating, you’re finally thinking of making it social-media official. Warnings: Fat shaming.

You weren’t the sort of person that most people would picture Miss Americana herself to date. Taylor Swift had gone out with some of the best looking, or at least according to the media’s standards best looking - men in the world. You didn’t need to go over them. The tabloids did that enough for you on a daily basis. But the point was that you were the opposite of a lot of these men. You weren’t in the entertainment industry. You weren’t rich. You weren’t famous. You didn’t have a six pack or a chiseled chest or that rugged jaw line or any of those things. You had worked your way up to being a curator at a Museum in New York - not one of the biggest ones, mind you, but big enough to where you always had a lot on your plate. You were overweight according to your doctor though you ate healthy and tried to get lots of exercise. And you had next to no social media presence, only followed by your friends and family - not even Taylor as for the most part, you both agreed on keeping you out of the spotlight, much as that sometimes hurt. But then again - you both had been together for five years now, and you weren’t being picked apart by the media. That was nice.

“Do you think that this is folded in enough? I always think of that scene in Sleeping Beauty where they actually fold them in,” Taylor laughed, snapping you out of your thoughts. When you had stopped at the grocery store to get the ingredients for baking night, you of course had seen Taylor on the magazines. Stepping out with new ‘mystery man’ it had reported. It was only her new bodyguard and would be forgotten in a week or so but it was still a bit annoying to be surrounded by rumors of your own girlfriend.

“Yeah, that looks good babe,” You’d say, looking into her bowl. It was cake night in your shared apartment. The whole quarantine thing had the both of you at home a lot more, though you did still have to go to work, so you were trying new hobbies. Baking had been Taylor’s idea, and it was something you had shot down at first considering your weight, but she was so insistant. She had given you those puppy dog eyes you couldn’t resist. Those baby blues had you saying yes every time. “No shells this time?”

“Oh my god, it was one time, let it go,” Taylor laughed, going for the next couple of ingredients. “I don’t think that you put enough chocolate in yours.”

“It’s a light chocolate cake, not a Devil’s Food Cake. I’m still watching my weight, remember?” You kept on whipping the eggs until they were light and fluffy, and then finally folded your own into the rest of the mixture. “This will probably be my lunch tomorrow,” You joked.

“I’ll make you something, don’t worry,” She said, putting a kiss on your cheek, transferring a bit of flour that she had on her nose onto your skin. You laughed and wiped it off. “What were you thinking about?”

“Saw you on the cover of another magazine today,” You said, slipping behind her, taking the chance to run your hands across her waist as you went to grab one of the cake pans you already prepped. “They’re thinking that Greg is your new boyfriend. It’s really throwing them off that you’re not out there dating openly anymore.”

“Oh, that’s hilarious. I’m sure his wife is going to love that,” Taylor laughed, not taking it seriously. Being in the industry since she was a teenager meant that she had to develop that tough skin. You loved that about her. You only wished that you had been able to do that yourself. “Oh, let’s take a picture before we pop these into the oven.”

Always the change of subject. But you gave in, as you always did, giving her a little nod. She pulled out her phone, turned the front camera on, and snapped a picture of her kissing your cheek while the full cake pans were waiting on the counter. You were grinning, you couldn’t help it. Every time that this wonderful, beautiful woman gave you attention, you were fawning for it. You couldn’t wait to make her your wife. Just a little longer. Just getting the ring sized.

And then the pans went into the oven, and you settled back down on the couch, looking for something to watch while waiting for the timers. Taylor went straight to Law and Order. Of course. You even bobbed your head to the theme tune. Her favorite show in the whole world. She cuddled up to you, hand and head resting on your barrel-like chest. When she touched you like this, it was hard to feel insecure. And the way that she looked up at you whenever the screen went dark between scenes - still made you feel like blushing to this day.

Once the timer went off, cake out of the oven, it was the only part of this whole baking thing that you really enjoyed. Decorating. Tongue in cheek, going over the layers with the icing that you had managed to make look tie-dye with different colors. “What do you think, fruit maybe? Some whipped cream?” You looked over to see what she was doing, only to see that she was literally throwing sprinkles on top of the icing. Making a huge mess, but it was cute to see her looking so joyous.

“Whatever you want,” She’d say, bending low, turning the plate to see the other side of the cake, and then threw even more sprinkles. One thing could be said for her method - she was thorough. There was hardly an inch on it that was untouched. You looked back at your own which was looking plain in comparison, and started chopping up some fruit to put on the top. At least give some semblance of it being healthy. That way you wouldn’t feel as guilty when you went to the doctor next and explained what you’ve been eating. “I can’t wait to try yours,” Taylor said, sticking a finger in your spare icing and dabbed some of it on the tip of your nose with a giggle. Her eyes were lit up from the inside out. She looked happy. Truly happy. “Can we take another photo?”

“Can I at least get this off of my nose first?” You laughed. She shook her head no, and this time in the photo, she was licking it right off of you, the cakes on full display in front of you. Your face was scrunched up from the attention on your nose, which made her laugh when she saw it.

“This is really cute. I might even post it,” She teased, tongue in cheek.

“Doubtful,” You chuckled, and grabbed a knife to make the first cuts.

“No, really,” She said, leaning against the counter, looking at the picture on her phone. “We’ve been together five years now and I haven’t really been able to tell anyone but our close friends and family.”

“Does anyone else matter?” You asked, eyebrows furrowed. “Everyone that I care about knows about you. Why does the whole world?”

“I just - I don’t want you to feel like I’m ashamed of you when I’m not. I’d love to start posting pictures of us, like normal couples do.”

“We’re not a normal couple,” You pointed out. She was pouting again, but this time it didn’t look like she was trying to get what she wanted. She looked genuinely upset. You watched her for a minute as she dropped a couple more sprinkles on spots that she missed, trying to keep her hands busy. “Okay. Fine. You can post one tomorrow if you really want. But can we just relax tonight?”

“Okay,” She said, tucking a long blonde piece of hair behind her ear and smiled. She looked happy again. And that’s the way that you wanted to keep her forever.

-

Your phone was left in your office for most of the day while you were working on the usual day-to-day activities of the museum. You had forgotten your little agreement with Taylor the night before, having settled back in for a night of watching Olivia Benson on the television solving cases.

So when you finally had a chance to sit down and look at your phone, you were surprised to see that it was dead. You plugged it into your spare charger only for it to turn on and have hundreds - maybe even more notifications. You had to quickly go into your settings and try to turn them off so that you could have a breath. That was when you remembered, and immediately opened up instagram. 2.6 million follow requests. Jesus. At least your account was on private, who knows what they would have done if they had been able to go thorugh your photos and comment on them.

You’d leave those for another time to deal with. The next time that you were taking the subway and had nothing else better to do. But for now, you went to Taylor’s profile, where you were one of her millions of followers, never anything special until now. The two pictures from the night before, kissing and silly icing on your nose. ‘#bakingwithboyfriend.’

Over three million likes. Comments galore. And most of them were not of the nice and supportive kind.

‘Oh my god, is this some body positivity stunt?’ 'This is literally like three of her exes put together, weightwise. ‘ 'Must be really rich or have great dick’

There were other ones that were much more rude, but you weren’t going to go through them. You couldn’t. You wouldn’t do that to yourself. You put the phone back down, face down so that you wouldn’t have to look at it, or at the very least be a lot less tempted.

“Mr y/l/n,” Your assistant said, poking his head into the office. His face was looking flushed, so that already gave you an idea of what was going on. He already knew about your relationship, but that didn’t stop him from having fan-boy moments whenever Taylor came in. “She’s here to see you.”

“She can come in,” You said with a nod. He popped his head back out and the tall, lithe figure of Taylor, as dressed down as she could be, walked into the stuffy room. She smiled nervously and sat down across from you in the spot where donors or assistants usually would sit.

“You saw those comments, didn’t you?” Taylor said. You simply nodded. “I already talked to my publicist and we’re going to be taking comments off all of my posts. It isn’t right. Any of it.”

“Can’t say that it wasn’t expected though,” You admitted, leaning back in your chair. “I’m not Styles or Hiddleston.”

“That’s why I love you,” Taylor insisted. “You’re not any of those men, you’re you. They’ve got nothing, nothing at all, on you.”

“But I’m apparently three of them,” You laughed humorlessly. “Look, I knew what I was getting into by falling in love with you. I can accept it. Just sucks that the day had come after all.”

Taylor was quiet for a moment, but then she leaned forward over the desk, and took hold of your hands, giving them a squeeze with her well manicured fingers. “You’re everything to me, y/n. And I just want to show you that. I want to show the whole world that.”

“I know. I know,” You breathed out with a sigh. “Were any of the comments good?”

“Selena is going apeshit in the comments. Or at least she was while I was on the way here. Threatening to fight some of the people saying the worst things but I already deleted most of the really bad ones. I have my publicist on it. Some of them were really positive though. You’re really handsome. Some of them are threatening to come after you when we break up.”

“Ha, like that’s ever going to happen,” You said, shaking your head. “You’re it for me, baby.”

“You’re it for me too,” Taylor said, raising your hands up to kiss the tops of them. Your unmusical hands. “So - are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll get over it. I guess. More incentive to go to the gym maybe. Gotta show your millions of fans that you can still get a buff guy after all.”

“Don’t change yourself too much,” She’d say, smiling. “You’re perfect. Completely and utterly ... perfect.”

[the-bau-quinjet]

But with you, it’s different...

So, I’ve combined two of my great obsessions: Criminal Minds and Taylor Swift. Pretend the reader is Taylor Swift in the sense that she wrote and recorded the songs, but that’s it. Also, the songs are all out of order and not from the albums so just pretend that’s okay. I don’t reference the albums, but individual songs and yeah. It’s honestly kind of a mess, but also makes me happy. This is part 1! I have most of it written, so I should be able to post the other parts pretty soon. I think there will be 3 actual parts and then a short epilogue! Last thing, Spencer is a little out of character. I (try to) explain that later!!

Summary: Reader is a famous singer with a murderous stalker. Spencer has to go undercover to protect her. 

warnings: mentions of murder, anxious reader

Word Count: 7940

You weren’t expecting anything out of the ordinary to happen tonight. It was just the usual Saturday night. Honestly, you were looking forward to having a boring two weeks off. You absolutely loved touring and performing and seeing your fans, but it was going to be great to have some time just to write again. Writing music has always helped you de-stress and get your emotions out, and you were supposed to finally have a chance to do just that. However, the universe had different plans. Plans that involved the FBI.

This was your second night in DC. It was the first of some of the bigger cities on your tour where you were doing two shows, so you are even more exhausted than normal. You really only just started the US leg of your tour, but the two weeks off was well earned from the Europe, Asia, and South America legs.

 As you begin to perform the second to last song, you start to feel the familiar sadness you get when finishing a show. It’s almost as though the adrenaline rush from the excitement of so many screaming fans is wearing off and you can’t help but feel a bit sorry that the fun is coming to an end. After so many performances though, you’ve learned how to hide the emotions and give the audience your best fake smile. The last song is where you have some real fun, so just make it there.

 As you duck off stage to change for the final performance, you can’t help but notice the small group of people conversing, quite tensely, with your security team. They don’t look like the normal fans who would try to sneak backstage, too official. You make eye contact with one of them. He looks to be about your age, but you’ve never been great at guessing. There’s something about him that makes you want to find out exactly who he is right now, but you can’t. 

You’re left wondering about his identity as you run back onstage for the grand finale. You feel a genuine smile appearing as you feel the heat from the fireworks and listen to the happy cheers from the crowd. You’re last song goes off without a hitch, but you’re exhausted. There’s nothing you want more than to just shower and sleep, but there’s always a buzz about the cast and crew that prevents anyone from leaving right away.

 “Thank you for a great second night DC! Goodnight!” You shout into the mic as you duck back offstage to ride out the post show high. You are still chatting with some of the dancers you’ve become friends with when Carrie, the head of security, comes up with one of the men you saw arguing with her earlier.

 “Y/N? Can I talk to you for a minute?” You turn, surprised to see the stern man standing behind Carrie. “Yeah, sure.” You turn to excuse yourself from the dancers, wishing them a goodnight before turning back to Carrie.

 “We can go do your dressing room, that’s where the others are waiting.” Carrie says with a nervous smile on her face.

 “The others?” You ask confused, jogging to keep up with the brisk pace she has set for you and the stern man. “Who are we talking to?”

 “I’m sure you have a lot of questions. We will explain everything as soon as we meet up with the rest of the team.” The stern man spoke quietly, but with confidence as he followed behind you and Carrie. Before you could ask anything else, you were being ushered into your dressing room, coming face to face with the other two people you saw arguing with Carrie earlier. The first one you notice is a woman with jet black hair and fierce eyes. The other is the tall, lanky man you made eye contact with.

 You’re a little excited to get a closer look. He looks a little awkward at first glance, but you can tell he’s a sneaky sort of attractive underneath the perfectly placed tie and the comfy cardigan. Before you can get too caught up in how good looking these three strangers are, you turn to the stern one and ask “Who are you, and what are you doing here?” Your tone clearly indicates the confusion you’re feeling. 

 “Ms. L/N, my name is Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner. I am the Unit Chief for the Behavioral Analysis Unit at the FBI.” You can feel your eyes go wide as he shows you a badge with his picture and title. Before you can respond, he begins talking again. “These are SSAs Emily Prentiss” the woman gives you a reassuring smile and slight wave, “and Dr. Spencer Reid.” The sneakily attractive one nods his head in your general direction.

 The woman just introduced as Emily chimes in “we are here because we believe there is a killer targeting fans of your music. We have been tracking murders for the past two weekends. The first was in Louisville, Kentucky, then Columbus, Ohio, and then two right here in D.C.”

 “I was just in Louisville… and Columbus.” You feel yourself beginning to get dizzy as you try to comprehend what the agents are telling you.

 “Yes, and now you’re in DC.” The boss man is talking again. “We made the connection this afternoon as you had two shows here in DC.” The room is starting to spin as you listen to the man talk. “After more digging, we found each victim had purchased a ticket to your show. Additionally, they all had social media accounts dedicated as fan pages to you.” Agent Hotchner continues speaking as you nod along, trying to comprehend how this was happening. You don’t even realize you are tuning him out as you begin to sway on your feet. You can see his mouth moving, and the growing look of concern on his face is the last thing you see before the world goes dark.

 --

 You can hear a faint beeping as you begin to wake up. For a moment, you are blissfully unaware of the murders before the memory of meeting the three agents comes back to you. You instantly sit up and look around, trying to figure out where you are. You can see a very muscular bald man through a window, talking to someone in scrubs.

 Scrubs. A nurse. You are in the hospital.

 Your heart rate begins to calm down before skyrocketing again when you hear “Ms. L/N?” from the other side of the room. Turning with wide eyes and a scared expression, you throw your arms up to defend yourself from the unknown voice.

 “Sorry! Sorry, uh- I didn’t mean to scare you! I’m Dr. Spencer Reid.” Instantly you relax again at the familiar face. You drop your arms back to the bed, shifting into a more comfortable position before asking “Okay, Doctor. What’s wrong with me? Why am I in the hospital?”

He looks at you with a sheepish expression, rubbing the back of his neck before he admits, “Oh, I’m not that kind of doctor. I’ll go get a nurse or someone. Try to think back on what you remember before waking up here.” He shuffles out of the room as you try to replay the conversation with the other agents.

 Well, it wasn’t much of a conversation with them doing all of the talking, but still. The unknown man from outside your room window and the nurse he was talking to come into the room with Dr. Reid. The nurse begins checking your vitals as she asks you some questions.

 “Hi there. It’s good to see you up. How are you feeling?” She wears a small smile.

 “Oh, um, I feel fine. I think. I’m just confused about how I ended up here. I remember talking to the agents at the arena, but that’s it.” You close your eyes as you try to remember more, but nothing comes to you.

 “That was only about 45 minutes ago, dear.” The nurse’s kind voice helps settle you. “You fainted while the agents were talking to you. They brought you here. You should be good to leave in a few minutes as long as your vitals are good.”

 “Thank you.” You return her kind smile as she marks information on your chart before leaving the room.

 “Ms. L/N, this is SSA Derek Morgan.” The Doctor Agent is talking again.

 “Please, call me Y/N.” You rub your head, continuing to try to remember more about your condition. Before either man in the room can speak up, a new thought occurs to you. “If I fainted, why doesn’t my head hurt? The floor in my dressing room is not soft.” You look between the two men for an explanation.  

 The doctor shifts his weight from foot to foot a blush appearing on his face as Agent Morgan speaks up. “That is because Pretty Boy over here” he claps a hand onto the doctor’s shoulder “caught you before you hit the ground.” “Oh, um… Thank you.” You can feel the blush beginning to form as you think about his arms being around you.

 “It was no problem, really. Can we ask you a few questions?” He moves on quickly. “Oh sure thing Dr. Reid. Or Agent Reid. Agent Dr. Reid?” You can feel the blush growing as you ramble.

 “Just Sp-Spencer is fine.” He cuts you off before you can continue suggesting different honorifics. “What do you remember from what Agent Hotchner was telling you?”

 “He said someone was mur-murdering fans of me.” Tears spring to your eyes as you think about it. “That someone was killed in Kentucky and Ohio and then two people here in DC.” You squeeze your eyes shut, willing the tears not to fall.

 Get a hold of yourself.

 You feel a new weight on your hand before hearing Spencer begin talking again. “Take your time.” You open your eyes to see him patting your hand delicately. He moves back after you take a few deep, calming breaths.

 “I’m sorry. I just feel awful knowing people are dy-dying because of me. Is there anything I can do to help?” You choke on the words a bit, realizing the full gravity of the situation.

 “Do you recognize any of these people?” Agent Morgan pulls out photos of three women and one man, handing them to you to sift through. He seems to be staring at Spencer, but you just focus on the pictures. You can feel the tears building again as you realize who they are.

 “I do.” You take another breath before continuing. “I haven’t met them before, but they are all really active on different social sites. I try to talk to as many fans as I can ya know? They are why I am where I am. Is that why they were killed? Oh god. No no no no.” Your breathe increases in speed as you think about everything that is happening.

 “Hey, hey, hey, none of this is your fault.” Spencer is patting your hand again as he tries to calm you down. Just then, the nurse comes back with some paperwork for you to sign in order to leave.

 “You are free to go Ms. L/N. Just sign these forms and hand them in at the desk on your way out.” She exits the room swiftly.

 “Would you mind coming back to our office to finish talking?” Agent Morgan asks.

 “Of course not. Anything I can do to help.” You turn in the forms before following them to a black SUV. Spencer opens the door for you to get in the back before he slides in next to you. You don’t even have the brain power to consider why he isn’t sitting in the front. You just grab his hand and squeeze it, unable to get the thoughts out of your head that this was all your fault.  

 “This is not your fault. You had no idea what was happening, and now that you do you are trying to help.” Spencer looks at you reassuringly as he squeezes your hand right back. You simply nod back. You don’t trust yourself to speak without crying. You just need to calm down before you get to the office.

 About 15 minutes later you pull up to the FBI building that houses the BAU. They must’ve brought you to a hospital near Quantico. They lead you through security up to the fifth floor. You walk through a set of glass doors, passing a few desks before entering a conference room. “Do you need anything? Coffee, water?” Spencer asks as Agent Morgan leaves the room.

 “Oh, um, no I’m okay for now.” You stare at your hands as you go to sit down. “Actually, could I get a jacket or something?” You gesture to what you’re wearing as you ask. You haven’t had a chance to change yet, meaning you are wearing a black, sequined romper that is basically a leotard with how short it is. Perfect for performing, but not exactly FBI attire. “Of co-course! I’ll be right back.” He practically runs out of the room.

 A few minutes later, he pushes the door back open. “Here’s some clothes you can change into if you want. Or just a sweatshirt.” You look up from your position in the chair, rising to take the clothes.

 “Thank you.” You look from the clothes to him realizing you need to change, but are in a room full of windows in an unfamiliar building.

 He catches on a few seconds later, leading you out of the room. “The bathroom is this way!” He squeaks out as you both walk down a hallway outside the glass doors you came in. “I’ll wait here to show you back.” You smile as you brush past him, whispering thank you as you close the door.

 You instantly take off the romper, sliding on some FBI sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt that smells like vanilla and new books. The scent is oddly comforting. You would think a standard FBI sweatshirt would smell new, but this scent is calming your nerves. You fix your makeup as best you can before heading out of the bathroom. Spencer is a few feet away talking to a beautiful blonde woman. She looks effortlessly gorgeous. She smiles as she notices you, waving you to join them.

 “Ms. L/N, it’s lovely to meet you, although I do wish it was under better circumstances. I am SSA Jennifer Jureau, but you can call me JJ. The rest of the team is waiting for us to join them.” She smiles kindly, but you are frozen in place. You feel like a deer caught in the headlights.

 Spencer grabs your arm lightly, pulling you out of your trance. “It’s okay. Just breathe.” He whispers as the three of you start walking back toward the conference room you were in earlier.

 He lets your arm fall back to your side before guiding you back into the room behind JJ. You freeze again upon entering the room. You recognize Agents Hotchner, Prentiss, and Morgan, but are surprised by the other two faces. There is an older man with salt and pepper hair smiling kindly at you. He reminds you of your father. Then there is a very bubbly blonde, in a very colorful dress and matching glasses.

 They introduce themselves as SSA David Rossi and technical analyst Penelope Garcia. The unit chief begins to describe the case again, going slower this time given your earlier episode. “We believe the unsub is targeting fans of yours who he believes is unworthy of your attention. He worships you and views his victims as people who are not devoted enough to you.”

 You can’t decide how to respond, so you wait for another agent to continue. “Do you know of anyone who might be overly obsessed with you? Maybe they sent you letters that were a bit more personal than normal?” At this point, you decide you are done being controlled by this situation. What happened to those people is awful, but you can’t change it. You need to be strong to help prevent it from happening to anyone else.

 “I haven’t finished my fan letters from this week yet. I try to go through as many as possible, but there is only so much time in a day.” At this point you are pacing. Walking around has always helped you with thinking things over. “There is one letter that sticks out from three weeks ago. That was before the murd-” you stutter on the word. “Before anything happened though. Could that be relevant?” You ask, looking hopeful. If the agents are surprised by your change of attitude they don’t mention it.

 “It might be. What did it say?” Agent Hotchner asks, the same stern expression adorning his features.

 “I don’t remember all of it, but it looked like it was written on a typewriter, so it stood out. It said something about how they wondered if my hair smelled like peaches after I finished a show. I thought it was weird because my shampoo is peach scented, but how could they possibly know that? I figured I must have met them in passing, you know. I meet a lot of fans just walking around the different cities. Something just felt weird about this letter though. Like a bad feeling. I mean, my hair doesn’t really retain the scent of my shampoo all that much. So how could he know that unless he knew what shampoo I use? But actually, I use a personalized shampoo so I can change the scent every time I but it- it must’ve been a lucky guess, right? Maybe I just look like I would use peach scented shampoo” You feel like you are talking a mile a minute, but you can’t get yourself to stop. You practically fall back into your chair as you finish rambling about the letter, looking up to see unmistakable expressions of concern on the agents’ faces.

 “What? What does that mean? Oh god- How does he know my shampoo smells like peaches?” You look between all the agents as they seem to be communicating with just their eyes. You resort to taking calming breaths again. They’ll fill you in eventually, you need to breathe. You drop your head between your thighs as you push your chair away from the table. Breathe in for 7 seconds, hold for 7, and breathe out for 7. This always helps calm you down before a show.

 You choose to ignore the agents quietly talking to each other again as you focus on slowing your heart rate back to a normal pace.

 “Ms. L/N?” You look up exasperatedly, “Please, just call me Y/N.”

 “Then you can call me Penelope!” The woman has such a kindness to her that you can’t help but smile back at her.

 “What can I do for you Penelope?” She seems a bit surprised, but she responds in kind.

 “I just wanted to ask if you wanted some coffee. Or water or anything?” You smile at her kind gesture, rising from your seat.

 “Actually, some tea would be wonderful. But, please, let me come help you. These guys seem like they need to talk and it would probably be easier if I wasn’t in the room.” You smile as you walk out the door, leaving the agents slightly stunned at your observational skills in your distressed state.

 Penelope follows you out and leads you to what you assume is the break room. “We don’t really have much tea, but I know where the good doctor keeps his private collection.” She whispers conspiratorially as she searches through a small cabinet. “Aha! Here it is.” She presents you with a pretty impressive collection of teas. You opt for the simple peppermint. You have always found peppermint tea the most soothing.

 She hands you a mug before gesturing to the Keurig on the counter. You place the teabag in the cup, selecting the largest cup on the machine, and brewing hot water for your tea. The two of you don’t say anything while it steeps. Penelope speaks up when you move to sit down at the small table.

 “I just have to say, I am a huge fan of yours.” You can’t hide the smile that forms on your face. You have always loved meeting fans. They are just so sweet and you appreciate them beyond belief.

 “Thank you so much!” She seems a bit relieved at your response. “That’s honestly so nice to hear right now. I kind of feel like a mess.” You gesture to the oversized clothes you’ve got on.

 “Please, you look so gorgeous right now. It’s amazing. Your music is amazing too. I absolutely love Begin Again! It’s so romantic!” She gushes over the song.

 “Honestly, that one took me forever to write. I was in a pretty bad place after a bad breakup, convinced I would never love again. Dramatic, I know.” You roll your eyes at yourself. “But then I saw these two people in a café, and they just looked so happy. The idea of a new love forming so casually right in front of me was beautiful.” You smile thinking about the couple, wondering if they are still together.

 “Wow, so you can really right about anything?” She looks while asking the question.

 “Pretty much. I mean, they won’t all be good. It could be the tiniest moment or a huge thing in my life. Inspiration comes from everywhere. A lot of songs actually draw from multiple experiences, not just one thing. I could totally see myself writing a song about you.”

“No way! That would be insane.” You smile at her enthusiasm.

 “I’m serious! You just give of this energy that is so positive, it’s hard to remember ever being sad. I think it would be about how confident you are. Something like…” you trail off as you begin to hum, setting up your phone to record. “You’re the only one of you, baby that’s the fun of you. And I promise that nobody’s gonna love you like me!” You hum a few more bars before ending the recording.

 “That was insane. How do you do that?!” She has a wild kind of excitement in her eyes.

 “I don’t know. You just inspired me.” You grin at the shocked expression in her eyes.

 “Sing it again!” And you can’t help but give her what she wants.

 You hum a bit more of a melody that could work before jumping into the words you already said. You add a few more here and there, but nothing concrete. In your focus on singing, you don’t hear the door open behind you.

 “I’m the only one of me, baby that’s the fun of me. Oh oh oh. You’re the only one of you, baby that’s the fun of you. And I promise that you’ll never find another like me.” “I don’t doubt it.” You turn in shock to look at the person behind you, seeing none other than Spencer Reid in the doorway. You don’t notice the flush of embarrassment on his cheeks that you heard his comment, just like he doesn’t notice the matching expression on your face. Penelope though, she notices. And, she can’t wait to tell Derek.

 Spencer clears his throat before speaking again. “We’re ready for you to come back in if you’re up for it. We want to talk to you about a plan to keep you safe.”

 “Sure thing.” You grab your tea from the table before you and Penelope follow Spencer back to the conference room. You sitting cross-legged in your seat. You feel much calmer after chatting with Penelope. Song writing has always been cathartic for you, and it is reassuring that hasn’t changed.

The agents waste no time getting down to business. “We believe the unsub has broken into your tour bus. If the letter was from him, it would explain how he knows about the peach scent.” Agent Rossi starts.

 Agent Morgan continues, “It’s an easier target than a hotel room or your personal home since fewer people would be securing it.” You nod along with them. You are determined to stay strong through this.

 “We want to completely ensure your safety, so we think it best to send an agent to stay with you while we work on the case.” Agent Prentiss chimes in. You feel like you’re going to get whiplash looking between all their faces.

 “Since we haven’t ruled out people on the crew, we want this to remain as secret as possible. We will inform the head of security on your team, but other than that the agent will be undercover.” Agent Hotchner, stern as ever, appears to be studying your reaction.

 “Okay.” You sigh. “Okay, I can handle this. I’ll be fine. I’ll have an agent with me. Who’s going undercover? Do you have a cover story planned?” You look at Agent Hotchner with nervous eyes.

 “We wanted to plan the cover story with you to make it as believable as possible. What are you planning on doing for the next few weeks?” You consider what your plans consist of. Honestly, nothing but songwriting.

 “I plan on mostly working on songwriting. I usually go to cafes, parks, or anywhere really with people for inspiration. If I already have an idea, I’ll write from my hotel room or from home if I’m there. If any of you have any musical experience, then we could make up a cover story about a new writing partner. Nobody would really question it because I write with new people all the time.” You glance around the room to see if anyone is willing to take you up on your offer. Nobody says anything for a minute. They are communicating with looks again.

 Penelope chimes in “Reid knows how to play the piano!” You can’t help but latch on to the statement as you turn toward Spencer.

 “Really, that would be so helpful! I normally write to piano or guitar and then add any additional instrumental later in the studio. If you can play, then the story would look even more believable!” You are actually getting excited about this idea working out. You finally feel like you’ve helped them with something. They probably could’ve figured it out without you, but still.

 “Yes, I can play. I mean, it’s just mathematics if you think about it.” Spencer responds quietly, like his mind is somewhere else.

 “Reid, if you feel comfortable with it, that story sounds like great cover.” Reid nods at Agent Hotchner. “Great. You can go to your place and grab some clothes and anything else you’ll need.” He says to Spencer before turning his attention to you. You watch as Spencer walks out with the rest of the team before turning to meet Agent Hotchner’s eye. “It’s best if we stick to your plans as closely as possible. If the unsub is someone who works with you, he will likely notice if you start changing your behavior too much.” You nod in response, mentally going through everything you do from day to day.

 “Agent Reid will stay with you in your hotel room if you are comfortable with it. That is the safest arrangement since he will be close by if anything happens. We will also have agents tail you when you go out in public. We’ll have a rotation of agents in the rooms around yours each night to allow Reid to rest as well. He knows how to contact us, but we will program our numbers into your phone as well for backup. Do not hesitate to call any one of us if something feels even remotely wrong, no matter the time. Do you understand?”

 Again, you nod in response. It’s a lot of information to take in and honestly, you’re still thinking about sharing a hotel room with Spencer.

 “We will need to see the letter you mentioned earlier if you still have it. We would also like to go through the fan mail you currently have and any new mail that comes in. If you see anything else that feels off or seems suspicious, tell Reid or call one of us. If you remember anything else, tell Reid or call one of us.” He gives you a questioning glance to ensure you are following.

 “Basically, tell Reid everything. Got it.” You try to remain lighthearted even though Agent Hotchner’s serious expression hasn’t waned in the slightest.

 “It’s good to see you’ve got a good attitude about this. It’s hard to remain calm, but it will help limit any suspicion on the part of the unsub. We don’t want to escalate his plans. Do you have any questions for me?” He gives you a reassuring look as you contemplate everything he’s told you.

 “What does unsub mean?” you blurt out, surprising both of you. “Sorry, that was loud.” You cringe. “I just meant, why do you call the criminal, unsub?”

 You can see the faintest of smiles on his face as he replies, “Right, we can get pretty wrapped up in a case. It stands for unidentified subject. We try not to assign nicknames or anything to the perpetrators as it can affect their behavior.”

 “Right. Behavior.” You try to sound like you understand, but honestly this is so much different from all the detective shows you’ve seen. Apparently, Agent Hotchner notices and explains more.

 “We catch criminals by analyzing their behavior and trying to predict what they’ll do next.”

 “Like psychology? Nature vs. Nurture and mental disorders?” You ask, suddenly very curious about how this all works.

 “Yes, just like that, although we normally go a little deeper.”

 “So what can you tell about this unsub? That way I know what to look for.” Agent Hotchner seems pleased with this question.

 “The unsub is a man, likely 25-40. Age is the hardest thing to predict, so don’t follow that guideline too strictly. He likely suffers from antisocial personality disorder stemming from negligent parents and has always had trouble interacting with people. He is highly organized, which usually indicates high intelligence, but in this case could be due to the time he spends alone planning. His lack of social skills has resulted in him only working menial jobs. He won’t have worked anywhere for more than a few months before finding a new job since people find him odd or off-putting. He has always felt as though he deserves more because of his self presumed high intelligence. It is possible you met him in passing and any act of kindness toward him resulted in an obsession with you. He doesn’t have the courage to approach you, so he watches from afar or online. That’s how he found his earlier victims. Since you don’t have any shows in the next few weeks, his MO might change slightly. That’s why we want to be so cautious and make sure we can ensure your safety.” You sit quietly for a moment, trying to picture anyone who fits the description. You try to meet the people who work with you, but you certainly don’t know everyone. You were honestly hopeful the description would point you toward a suspect, but you’ve got nothing. “I can’t think of anyone like that, but now I know what to look out for. Thank you Agent Hotchner.” “Please, call me Hotch. Do you have any more questions?”

 “Just one, you said earlier that maintaining a sense of normalcy will prevent us from escalating his plans. What plans exactly?” You were nervous to ask this question, wondering if you really wanted to hear the answer.

 “We don’t know exactly. It is possible the unsub has been trying to work up the courage to talk to you, but since you won’t be doing shows, it is unclear how he would make contact. Reid and the other agents will be looking for anyone who appears to be in a lot of the same places you are. If you notice anyone more than one time in a day, don’t hesitate to-“

“Tell Reid or call one of you. I got it.” You smile at him again. “Thank you again.” He nods as you both exit the room. Spencer isn’t back from picking up clothes yet, so you aren’t sure exactly what to do. Penelope notices you searching the room and waves you over to her. She is talking with Agent Morgan.

 “Y/N! I was just telling my Chocolate Thunder about the song you started earlier. I just need to know, what does this fine specimen inspire you to write?” She sounds so excited you can’t bear to let her down. You study the man in front of you, searching for something to sing. You don’t know why, but there’s a certain sadness in his eye. He hides it well with his masculinity and the clear smirk on his face, but you know he’s been through some shit.

 You don’t want to kill the mood though, so you stick to something a little lighter than past pain. “Well, Pen, I have to say he looks like a heartbreaker.” This only encourages the smirk on his face. “The type to love ‘em and leave ‘em.” You have had a song in the back of your mind for a while so why not break it out now. Penelope shrieks as you start humming, drawing a crowd. Again, you set up your phone to record. The rest of the BAU agents crowd around Morgan’s desk as you start singing.

 “Magic, madness, heaven, sin, saw you there and I thought, oh my god, look at that face. You look like my next mistake.” That draws a few chuckles as you continue humming. More words pop into your head as you think about past relationships and what the media loves to say about celebrities. “Screaming, crying, perfect storms. I can make all the tables turn. Da dada da da, Keep you second guessing like, Oh my god, who is she. I get drunk on jealousy.” You hum some more, really getting into the flow of the song. “Cause darling I’m a nightmare, dressed like a daydream.” The group claps as you end the recording.

 “That was actually pretty impressive.” Agent Morgan smirks at you some more.

 “Well, to be honest I’ve had the melody in my notes for weeks, but I just couldn’t think of the right words.” Yet again, his smirk grows.

 “I guess I’m just that inspirational.” You choke back a laugh as you roll your eyes. You hadn’t realized the size of the crowd you had garnered. You can’t help but knock him down a few pegs.

 “You know what, I changed my mind. Agent Morgan’s song would be called I Knew You Were Trouble.” The entire group laughs at that one, but all the sudden you actually have another idea.

Before long, Penelope is asking you what songs you would write about the entire team.

 “Start with Hotch!”

 “Well, Hotch is so serious. So it’s kind of hard. His face just screams ‘I’ve been through it and dealt it out’. Maybe something like… your string of lights is still bright to see oh, who you are is not what you did, you’re still an innocent.” Even as you half sing it, the one line feels like it could lead somewhere big. It’s not quite right, but it’s a start.

 “That’s so cool. Do me next! And please, just call me Emily.” You nod at her as you think back over your previous interactions.

 “Alright, don’t get mad but something just popped into my head and I can’t un-hear it. They say I did something bad, then why’s it feel so good. Most fun I ever had, and I’d do it over and over and over again if I could.” The smile on her face told you everything you needed to know, but so did JJ.

 “You absolutely nailed it. That is Emily to a tee.” JJ chimed in. “I’m kind of scared to see what you can come up with for me!” Your head is swimming with lyrics and melodies, but it has been so long since you’ve had this much fun writing music with a group of people. It’s become such a solo activity for you, but these people just have so many stories to tell.

 “Okay, let me think.” You pause as you observe JJ. You can tell that she is such a sweetheart from the few hours you’ve known her, but you know you would be intimidated if you went to high school with her. “Sorry to be blunt but, you’re so gorgeous, I can’t say anything to your face. Cause look at your face.”

 “Why thank you!” JJ smiles as you defend the lyric choice.

 “I know you are so sweet and I of course don’t mean to say you are just a pretty face, but you really do have a pretty face.” The group chuckles again and nods in agreement. “Oh, wait! I’ve got another one. You took a Polaroid of us, then discovered, the rest of the world was black and white. But we were in screaming color.” That one came out of nowhere, but it felt right.

 “Beautiful. Okay, okay! Rossi’s turn!” Penelope says right as the man walks out of his office.

 “My turn for what?” He looks skeptical of the group, but in a loving way.

 “Y/N is coming up with song ideas for everyone! She just did Morgan, Hotch, Emily, and JJ! She did mine earlier. So it’s your turn!”

 “Well then by all means, be my guest.” You close your eyes as you think through the words swimming in your head.

 “While, Rossi, you have a kind aura. You seem like a parent to this group of rowdy children. Reminds me of my dad.” Again, the group laughs. You begin humming, lightly patting the desk in front of you as you think back on memories of your own parents. “I don’t know why all the trees change in the fall, but I know you’re not scared of anything at all. Don’t know if Snow White’s house is near or far away, but I know I had the best day with you today.” This tune was softer than the rest, more emotional. Everyone stops laughing as they listen to the soft melody you created.

 “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to kill the mood.” You feel slightly awkward with the new found silence.

 “Please, bella, that was beautiful. You really know how to read people.” Rossi hugs you as you blush, thanking him for the compliment.

 “That only leaves the resident genius. What would you write about Reid?” JJ poses the question and suddenly all eyes are on you. In all the commotion with the other songs, you didn’t notice Spencer exit the elevator. He walked in soon enough to hear the question. Deciding not to interrupt the conversation, he hangs back to listen to your answer.

 You can feel the blush heating up your face, subconsciously hugging the sweatshirt he gave you to wear earlier. After all the short melodies and lyrics you’ve come up with, you are way too tired to put your feelings toward Spencer into words.

 “I’ll be honest, it’s been in my head all night.” You begin to hum, knowing this would be a song about how you felt when you first saw him backstage, to when you spoke to him in the hospital room and all the little moments since then. “Your eyes whispered have we met…” you fill in for lyrics you’ve yet to write by humming. “All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you.”

 “That was beautiful.” Spencer says from behind you. You jump in surprise, nearly falling out of your chair. You didn’t even realize he was in the room.

 He looks sheepish as he apologizes for scaring you. “Are you ready to go?” He asks, reaching out a hand to help you up. The rest of the profilers share a knowing look as you rise from your seated position. They all wish you a goodnight as you and Spencer enter the elevator to head to your hotel. The ride to the parking garage is quiet. You keep humming that same melody, looking for the right words to fill in the blanks.

 Spencer leads you to another black SUV opening the passenger side door for you to get in the car. He tosses his bag in the back before getting in and starting the drive.

 “Penelope said it was my turn, did you do songs for everyone?” Spencer beaks the silence. You turn in your seat to look at him before responding.

 “Kind of. Mostly just ideas of songs. Morgan’s was the most put together, only because it was a song I already started. I recorded the whole thing though. That way I won’t forget any ideas. I can play it for you when we actually start to write some music!” You are honestly surprised by the range of ideas you have.

 “Wh-what? You actually want me to help you write songs? I th-though that was just a cover.” All of the sudden Spencer seems nervous and shy. You put the ideas swimming through your head on pause so you can devote all your attention to him.

 “Spencer, don’t worry about it. You don’t have to come up with any profound lyrics or brand new chord progressions. But, since we are going to be spending a lot of time together, you do have to talk to me. Otherwise it would just be weird.” You try to lighten the mood. You can tell by the way he relaxed his shoulders it worked a little. He nods in agreement as he parks the SUV in the garage dedicated to the hotel you are staying in. You take the elevator straight up to the 11th floor. It’s honestly reassuring to be able to lead him somewhere after everything that happened in the past few hours.

 You dig around in your bag- that somehow followed you on your journey from the arena to the hospital to the FBI building and now back to your hotel- to find the room key. No matter what you try, you can’t seem to slide the key card into the slot in the right way. Every time you try, the little light glows red before beeping indicating the door is still locked. After the fifth try, you are about ready to scream.  

 Suddenly, you can feel the heat from Spencer’s body as he slides up behind you to take the room key. He slides the card into the door, wiggles it around, and then slides it back out. To your surprise, the light glows green and the door unlocks. You must be exhausted to be this shocked at the fact he opened the door. You can’t even seem to force your feet to move. You just stand there like a fool, mouth agape.

 “Why?” Spencer turns to look at you with a confused expression. “Why couldn’t I… How did you…?” You just point to the door. He places his hand on the small of your back, guiding you into the room. He places his bag just inside the door before he turns around to close the door and lock the deadbolt.

 Even after he led you into the room, you turned around so you could keep staring at the door. You don’t even realize you started crying. Spencer guides you to the bed and tucks you into the blankets. You know that you are going to wake up in an hour because you never sleep in pants, but you just don’t have the energy to fight him on it. He turns off the lamp, but before he walks away, you grab his arm.

 “Can you stay?” You have never heard yourself sound so frail. You squeeze your eyes shut, willing the tears to stop. Spencer looks conflicted, but ultimately sits down next to you, his back against the headboard. You lay next to him in the dark, not quite touching. Once your breathe calms enough that you can talk without bursting into tears, you ask “how do you do it?”

 “Do what?” You smile at the sound of genuine concern in his voice.

 “How do you deal with this kind of stuff all the time? I feel like I’m falling apart. I want to be strong about it, so I can help. But then all of the sudden I can’t keep it in anymore. I just… how do you make it seem so easy?” You feel sniffly again, but you try to focus on your breathing.

 “It’s not easy. I hope it never becomes easy. It’s gotten easier, of course, but the minute I stop feeling everything is the moment I let them win. To feel pain in situations like this is human. Somebody wise once told me our best defense is our ability to empathize. It’s a completely natural reaction to experiencing something so traumatic. 70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced some type of traumatic event at least once in their lives. That's 223.4 million people. It would be...” He trailed off.

 “It would be what?” You angled your head up to look at him even though you couldn’t see him in the dark.

 “Oh, it’s nothing. I tend to ramble. I’m sorry.” He sounded so dejected, you couldn’t stop yourself from reaching for his hand. You had to shift on the bed a bit to reach his arm, so you ended up leaning your cheek against his thigh, tossing your arm over his lap in a sort of make shift hug.

 “I like it. It’s calming… and informative.” You couldn’t help but smile into his leg. “People who complain are just jealous.” That actually makes him laugh, but it doesn’t sound like a happy kind of laugh. More like a self-deprecating one. “I’m serious. You are clearly smarter than everyone else is, and you are sneaky attractive. There is a lot to be jealous about.” You dig deeper into his lap as you squeeze his hand in yours. The last thing you remember before falling asleep is the feeling of Spencer running his free hand through your hair.

--

You wake up slowly, eyes adjusting to the dark. You can just make out the numbers on the bedside clock to be 4:37. You must have fallen asleep talking to Spencer. Your head was still resting on his lap, his hand in your hair. You untangle yourself from the sheets to rid yourself of the extra layers that woke you up. It takes a few minutes of digging around in the dark to find one of the t-shirts you normally sleep in. In that amount of time, Spencer, still sleeping, rearranged himself to be laying on the bed rather than leaning against the headboard. You stopped for a minute to observe his sleeping form. He looks so at peace compared to the furrow of his brow and the glint in his eye that normally mean he’s thinking too hard.

 As soon as you lay back down in the bed, Spencer gravitates toward you. Before long, your head is resting on his chest, his arms wrapped around you. You breathe in the scent of vanilla and new books; the rhythmic pattern of his chest rising and falling lulls you back to sleep.

Part 2

tag list:

@mac99martin

[old-childhood-drama]

Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas Masterpost (Toe/Jaylor)

Before dating (May 2008)

We start with the Taylor lookalike

In May 2008 the Jonas Brothers are filming their music video for Burnin’ Up [x]. Joe’s love interest in it is played by a blonde girl who looks quite a bit (and she’s also styled) like Taylor Swift, for reference, this is the music video that has Selena Gomez as Nick Jonas’ love interest.

As far as we know they hadn’t even met so we don’t know exactly what this was supposed to mean, maybe Joe had a crush on Taylor or maybe it’s a coincidence.

We do know that Nick and Selena were dating when this was filmed and that by the time the MV was released (July 4th, 2008) Joe and Taylor were officially dating.

Toe is alive! (July 2008 – September 2008)

On Tour

Fans claim to have seen Taylor around the tour in early July, which matches with Taylor’s lyrics in "Last Kiss".

Last Kiss. Taylor Swift.

I do recall now the smell of the rain

Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane

That July 9th, the beat of your heart

It jumps through your shirt

On July 14th, Taylor and The Jonas Brothers perform “Should’ve Said No”[x] from her debut album, and this performance now forever exists in their 3D movie (a classic), a cute fact is that some fans have said that Taylor tripped when she first came out, so they had to repeat it for the movie.

On July 20th Joe flies to Wyoming to watch Taylor opening up for Rascal Flatts, and they flew back and she was spotted at the Omaha show.

She’s seen in a couple shows more and she joins the stage again for their Madison Square Garden shows in August [x]. They sing “Even now just looking at you feels wrong”.

They’re together but they’re not together.

For more context, we must remember that Taylor was a very new artist from a small label and The Jonas were pretty much at their peak and Disney’s biggest act, and they were managed like crazy and could never even think about being seen with someone in a romantic way. Any rumors were denied so fast, and Disney did the absolute most to keep it secret. So according to everyone they were just good friends, at the time both Taylor and Selena were annoyed by all the secrecy.

Now back to the timeline:

Taylor is backstage of the tour A LOT for the next couple of weeks right next to the other not-girlfriends Selena and Danielle.

She films a cameo for the “Love Is on Its Way” [x] video for the concert in New York. She was said to be only interested in hanging out with Joe and they were seen hugging *gasp* I know it doesn’t seem like much now but back then this was the hottest gossip and again the Jonas were not supposed to breathe near any human of the opposite gender.

Taylor and the Jonas were staying at the same hotel a bunch of rumors ensued, but I will not talk about the whole Olympics and Toe locking themselves in a room at midnight thing. If it’s real, we really needed to touch some grass and stop staying outside of people's rooms all night.

On August 17th Joe goes to Ryan Seacrest's show and denied that Taylor is his girlfriend in the best way a corporation like Disney can train you to deny something that’s true. Saying Taylor is “a great girl and I think anybody would be lucky to date her. I think anybody would love to go on a date with her.”

And Taylor tells People Magazine “He’s an amazing guy and anybody would be lucky to be dating him” Cinematic parallels.

Taylor is spotted in the back (in a mirror) of one of the Jonas youtube videos [x]. Basically, we all knew they were together.

The Central Park date (August 28th)

Now if you were a fan of either the Jonas Brothers, Selena, or Taylor you know this next part and it the iconic triple date of Central Park.

Again, this is kind of famous at this point and Selena has been quoted saying how awful it was because the boys were not allowed to be seen with them so they all went to Central Park (Selena’s first time in Central Park) and Taylor and Selena walked about 20 feet of distance from the guys so nobody would think they were together but we all already knew because it wasn’t like they were that good at hiding it and there are pictures of them together that night (the clownery of it all).

These backstage tour adventures are the reason Taylor and Selena are friends today and in Selena’s own words the best thing to come out of those relationships.

VMAs (September 2008)

With how many pictures of them together that night [x] [x] [x] exist you would think they had gone together as a couple but no just two besties! The 2008 VMAs are so the show where Russell Brand mocks the Jonas Brothers and their purity rings and Taylor publicly defends them.

Toe seems happy for the rest of September but as we know now the end is near.

The Break-Up (October 2008)

Social Media was different back then and Taylor did what every teen girl with a broken heart did in 2008 and she went to myspace with an edited post to make a statement about the Toe current situation.

Post-Breakup

The 27 seconds Joe Jonas will regret for the rest of his life.

Taylor went on Ellen and I don’t even think I need to say much this interview is THAT iconic she sat on that couch and told the world exactly how Joe had broken her heart in the following two quotes:

“There’s one that’s about that guy, but…that guy’s not in my life anymore unfortunately. That guy…that’s an ouch.”

“I’m not even gonna be able to remember the boy who broke up with me over the phone in 25 seconds when I was 18…it was like 27 seconds, that’s got to be a record.” [x]

She also went on Ryan Seacrest’s and when asked about the perfect guy she saw an opportunity and took it, saying “I used to always say sense of humor, but I think that it’s important to have the same kind of sense of humor. I have a really dry, sarcastic sense of humor and if somebody doesn’t think that my sense of humor is funny, then that’s not something that is good. Um, so sometimes you know, that can be a wrong match. If they’re not allowed to go in public with me, that’s sort of an issue too.” [x]

Bonus the amazing youtube video Taylor posted with Joe’s Camp Rock doll and how he comes with his own phone to break up with other dolls [x]. Taylor eventually went full out and cited Camilla Belle (then girlfriend of Joe) as the reason for the breakup. And you know someone at Disney’s PR office wanted to die when this was going down.

So finally, Joe was forced to acknowledge the whole situation with a Myspace post:

"I never cheated on a girlfriend. It might make someone feel better to assume or imply I have been unfaithful, but it is simply not true. Maybe there were reasons for a breakup. Maybe the heart moved on. Perhaps feelings changed. I am truly saddened that anything would potentially cause you to think less of me. For those who have expressed concern over the "27 second” phone call. I called to discuss feelings with the other person. Those feelings were obviously not well received. I did not end the conversation. Someone else did. Phone calls can only last as long as the person on the other end of the line is willing to talk. “

Forever & Always

Now this song is known as THE Toe song and it was born out of the end of the relationship when she felt Joe was getting distant, but she couldn’t do anything to help it, it was made really late into the production of Fearless so she had to rush to finish it in time (so no other breakup songs are about Joe in the original album).

Forever & Always Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide Like a scared little boy I looked into your eyes Thought I knew you for a minute, now I’m not so sure

In the 2009 Grammy's Taylor and Miley (insert The Ex-Girlfriends Club Theory here) performed Fifteen (obviously not about Joe) and the Jonas were in the audience. I believe this is probably around the time Taylor writes Mr. Perfectly Fine and You All Over Me, which we know get to have thanks to Fearless (Taylor’s Version) 13 years later.

You All Over Me

The best and worst day of June

Was the one that I met you

With your hands in your pockets

And your 'don't you wish you had me' grin

But I did, so I smiled, and I melted like a child

Now every breath of air I breathe reminds me of then

Mr. Perfectly Fine

'Cause I hear he's got his arm 'round a brand-new girl

I've been pickin' up my heart, he's been pickin' up her

And I never got past what you put me through

But it's wonderful to see that it never phased you

In November of 2009, she also goes to SNL and mocks Joe in her monologue. "You might think I'd bring up Joe That guy who broke up with me on the phone But I'm not gonna mention him *rolls eyes* In my monologue [Spoken:]Hey Joe, I'm doing real well, tonight I'm hosting SNL [Sings:]But I'm not gonna brag about that In my monologue [x]"

To make things even more dramatic and very awkward The Jonas Brothers, Demi Lovato, and Taylor Swift spent NYE together watching the ball drop on TV and this was probably not how they wanted to start their years. [x] [x] [x] and a video [x]

Now let’s discussed some of the songs that came out at the time. The Jonas response to Forever & Always was Much Better. Nick described it as a song that was very personal to Joe and Joe went on to say that it was based on his very interesting year. They also at some point wanted to pretend the song was about their love for their fans but come on. Joe also changed the lyrics from ‘superstar’ to ‘country star’ and later changed it to ‘movie stars’ when he broke up with Camilla who is the ‘Much Better’ girl from the song.

Much Better - Jonas Brothers

I get a rep for breakin’ hearts

Now I’m done with superstars

And all the tears on her guitar

I’m not bitter

But now I see

Everything I’d ever need

Is the girl in front of me

She’s much better

Taylor’s iconic response in Better Than Revenge seems to be more of an attack on Camilla. She’s spoken about her regret for this song since then and hasn’t played it in years and Camilla seems to be ok we never forgiving her for it [x] [x]. Regardless this song remains a staple of the genre ‘Feminism OFF, Bops ON’.

“I was 18 when I wrote [“Better Than Revenge.”] That’s the age you are when you think someone can actually take your boyfriend. Then you grow up and realize no one can take someone from you if they don’t want to leave”. - Taylor 2014.

Better Than Revenge - Taylor Swift

Let's hear the applause (Come on, come on)

Come on, show me how much better you are

(So much better, yeah?)

See you deserve some applause

'Cause you're so much better

She also released "Last Kiss" about the nicer part of their relationship, and some believe other songs such as If This Was a Movie, Haunted (Speak Now) and Jump Then Fall (Fearless) are about Joe. From the Jonas, the other song believed to be about Taylor is Paranoid (Lines, Vines and Trying Times).

Jump Then Fall

Well, I like the way your hair falls in your face

You got the keys to me

I love each freckle on your face, oh

I've never been so wrapped up, honey

Probably a song was written about and in the early days of their romance and the long hair freckles [x] thing definitely fits 2008 Joe.

If This Was a Movie

Baby, what about the ending?

Oh, I thought you'd be here by now

Thought you'd be here by now

According to some this song is a sister song to "Last Kiss" in the same album and that is confirmed to be about Joe.

Haunted

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

Won't finish what you started

This song would be a sister to Forever & Always since Taylor described both to be about a relationship that was fading in the end and that she was confused as to how they got there in the first place.

"‘Haunted’ is about the moment that you realize the person you’re in love with is drifting and fading fast. And you don’t know what to do, but in that period of time, in that phase of love, where it’s fading out, time moves so slowly. Everything hinges on what that last text message said, and you’re realizing that he’s kind of falling out of love. That’s a really heartbreaking and tragic thing to go through because the whole time you’re trying to tell yourself it’s not happening. I went through this, and I ended up waking up in the middle of the night writing this song about it.” Taylor

Friendlier days are coming (2010- )

I guess time can heal a lot of wounds and Toe is seen hugging and on friendly terms at the Clive Davis party on January 31st of 2010 [x].

The world was so shocked when we realized that Joe went to see her perform in a couple of her shows in September 2011 [x] [x], and in here Holy Ground is born about her new evaluation of their former relationship rather than the bitterness of the breakup. The lyrics' secret message is “when you came to the show in SD” and the potential parallel to "Last Kiss".

Holy Ground - Taylor Swift

We blocked the noise with the sound of ‘I need you’

And for the first time I had something to lose

And I guess we fell apart in the usual way

And the story’s got dust on every page

But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now

And I see your face in every crowd…

… Tonight, I'm gonna dance

For all that we've been through

But I don't wanna dance

If I'm not dancing with you

Last Kiss - Taylor Swift

I do remember the swing of your step

The life of the party, you’re showing off again

And I roll my eyes and then

You pull me in

I’m not much for dancing

But for you I did

They're seen talking in the MTV's EMA's 2012 [x].

From here they seem to be friendly and in May of 2015 after the Billboards. They even go on a double date later that year with Gigi Hadid, Calvin Harris, and Karlie Kloss (this picture feels so cursed). Nick and Joe get invited to Taylor’s 4th of July party and they seem somewhat distant after his split from Gigi.

Present (2020- )

In 2020, we got the amazing surprise of folklore with the song ‘Invisible String’ that makes a reference to Taylor’s past songs about exes being harsh and how she sent Joe and his wife Sophie Turner a present for their baby girl’s birth. In 2021, she has now released the re-recordings of Fearless and we are all reliving the drama and enjoying the chaos of Taylor’s and Sophie’s friendship not letting Joe know peace for those 27 seconds over a decade ago.

Invisible String

Cold was the steel of my axe to grind

For the boys who broke my heart

Now I send their babies presents

[allisonxmoynihan]

illicit affairs (pt. 2) ~ a. turcotte

Requested: yes | no

Song: this series is loosely inspired on Illicit Affairs by Taylor Swift (you can listen here!) 

Part One: read here! 

Word Count: 1,988

The sun peeped out from behind the clouds, the first sunny day you’d seen since summer. You winced at the bright december sunlight, wiping down tables at the cafe, trying to prepare yourself for the afternoon rush of tourists and tired parents with chaotic toddlers begging to go back out in the snow 

A group of girls came in and you offered a weak smile their way, “I’ll be right with you,” you say, walking back towards the counter. 

The holiday rush was always your least favorite time of year, but it was worse now that he was gone. You hated seeing how cheery everyone was, how excited everyone was to be with loved ones for the holidays. But like the cold, bitter days outside, you were left realizing that your “warmth” was gone, off doing better things like he always said he would. 

“Hey, so can I get,” a slender, brunette girl with the most beautiful blue eyes you’d ever seen starts in an almost valley-girl voice before pausing, “Vanessa, what did you say was really good?” The girl turns to look at you, “Sorry, it’s my first time coming here, my fiance always talks about it so I need to try it!” She smiles.

You smile back, wondering where you had seen her before, but not being able to figure it out.

“Okay, yeah, can I please get a small skinny vanilla latte?” the girl says

“Of course, can I get a name for the order?”

“Sofia,”

And that’s when the images come flashing back in your mind, your hands going pale from gripping the counter so tightly. That’s her. You glance down at her hand, seeing the large diamond ring on her left hand, and your heart sinks all over again as he comes back into your mind. Him. The only guy you’d ever given your heart to, and you haven’t gotten it back after the months away from him. Alex had moved on, obviously, and your heart broke all over again looking at his fiancee, the girl who was everything you could never be for him.

“Alright, Sofia, that’ll be $1.50, and you can wait at the other counter for pick up,” you choke out, handing the order ticket off to your co-worker. 

You watch her and her friends walk across the cafe, the pictures from Alex’s instagram flooding your mind. You wanted, more than anything, for him to be happy; you knew he deserved all the best things in life and you really truly wanted him to be well. But you hated seeing that he was so okay while you were still hurting. You hated that you couldn’t be the one to make him happy. 

Your eyes follow her as she walks out the shop and runs up and hugs the dark haired boy you’d grown to love. The knife in your heart twists as he kisses her; and when he pulls away and sees you behind the counter, you swear you see hints of sadness before he’s dragged towards the town square, hand in hand with Sofia.

~*~

The sun was setting above the city skyscrapers, creating hues of pink and orange to scatter about your living room. Your head was resting upon Alex’s chest, rising and falling with each breath he took, his fingers twirling your hair round and round.

“I could stay like this forever,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

“Yeah?”

“Of course. I can see us, living out in a penthouse, coming home from hockey to you and our kids,”

“That sounds nice,” you laugh, tilting your head up to press kisses against his jaw.

“I love you,” he smiles down to press a kiss to your lips.

You smile, but the pain in your chest tightens. With each passing moment you could tell Alex was slipping further and further away from you and you didn’t know how to make him stay. You noticed he started distancing himself from you, only coming by when it was convenient or when he needed you. 

You push yourself off of him, sitting up and staring at the wall ahead of you.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asks, concern filling his eyes, begging you to confide in him.

You laugh slightly to try and keep the tears back, “Alex, who is she?” 

He’s immediately taken aback, “who? I don’t know what you’re talking about..”

You scoff while shaking your head, “you don’t know what I’m talking about? Alex, the girl who’s all over your social media”

He swallows hard, reaching for your hand, “baby, come on, she’s just a friend. You know you mean the world to me.”

Your expression softens at his reassurance, “but then why can’t I meet your friends? If i mean the world to you, why am I always kept a secret?”

Alex pulls you into his side, pressing a gentle kiss to your temple, “I’m just protecting you from my world,”

You relax into him, feeling better and protected. You knew the world of elite hockey players were different, that you didn’t fit the image. You believed Alex when he told you he was trying to protect you from the wrath and hate from his fans.

~*~

“We need to talk…” his stern voice fills your ears, your breath halting.

Your heart sinks as the elevator closes, “Okay, yeah, I’ll be at your place soon.” 

He abruptly hangs up the phone and you stare at your reflection in the elevator door. You felt Alex slipping away for months now, and you knew it was only a matter of time before he got bored and left. Before he found someone better and left you in the dust. 

You knock twice on his door before a disheveled Alex appears, stepping aside to let you in. He doesn’t kiss you at the door like he used to, just stares at you as you walk into his apartment. 

“So…” You start, breaking the uncomfortable silence that’s fallen over the two of you.

“This needs to stop” he states matter of factly without any hesitation. It comes out so mechanical and rehearsed, and you know he’s been thinking this for awhile now.

You look up at him, swallowing back the tears, “Alex, please, can we just try and talk this through?”

He shakes his head, “y/n, i’ve made up my mind. Whatever it is that we had, it’s over.”

“But-”

“y/n, I don’t love you, okay?” he snaps, and you take a step back.

“What did I do wrong?”

He sits back on his sofa, running his hand through his hair, “you didn’t do anything. I just found someone better. I’m moving on, okay?”

Tears threaten to spill, as you look at him in disbelief, sadness and anger combining in the pit of your stomach. “You’re an asshole,” you mutter, turning to walk out the door.

Walking down to his lobby you angrily wipe the tears away. The one boy you’d ever given yourself away to, the one boy you’d ever fallen for, the person whose happiness mattered to you more than your own was gone. And you didn’t know if you’d be okay again.

“Hey, y/n?” you hear his voice, smooth like honey, breathy from running to catch up to you, “take care of yourself, okay?”

~*~

Laying on your couch, you were thankful that the work day was finally over. For the next 12 hours you could just sit at home and relax, and forget all about Alex and his fiancee. 

You were watching your favorite tv show, stuffing oreo after oreo into your mouth when a loud knock startled you. You look at your phone to see it was almost 2 a.m., and you weren’t expecting anyone.

Cautiously, you get up and look out the peephole.

You sigh, opening the door up, “wh-?” you're interrupted with his lips harshly connecting with yours, pushing you backwards and kicking the door closed.

He lays you down on the couch, laying on top of you before reconnecting your lips and kissing down your neck.

“Alex, what are you doing here?” you breathe out, your hands instinctively sliding up his t-shirt.

He gathers some of your skin between his teeth and sucks down on it, “I need you,”

“What about Sofia?”

“We can forget about her for a minute,” 

You know it’s wrong, that he should be home with Sofia, but this is everything you’ve been craving since he pushed you away. As much as you know you shouldn’t, you give in to his desire.

He removes your clothing in a rush, admiring your body like he never has before, and you want to believe him. You want to believe that he really does love you, that he meant everything he ever said. That he only left you because he got scared of how real your love was.

He thrusts into you and you moan his name, throwing your head back.

“You like that, huh baby girl?” He asks, picking up his pace.

“Alex, please,” you pant

He kisses up and down your neck, and you know there are going to be marks tomorrow morning as he starts rubbing circles to your clit.

He grunts as he continues to thrust sloppily into you, “i know you’re close baby girl,”

You release around him, and he closely follows as he draws out your high, “i love you alex,” you say before pressing your lips to his.

He slips down your hall to get a towel to clean you up, “y/n, I’m sorry for how I treated you all that time ago,”

You hush him, “it’s okay, alex, it’s fine. We can start fresh,”

He shakes his head, beginning to redress, “y/n, i’m getting married to another woman,”

You gulp, watching him as approaches the door, getting ready to walk back out of your life.

“Thanks for tonight,” he smiles, before slipping back into the night.

You begin to cry, angry at yourself for letting him come back in so easily after everything he’s done to you. Angry that you would continue to ruin yourself over and over again if it meant he’d come back for just a moment. 

~*~

“Alright kiddo, I’m heading out for the day. I left a little present for you in the back to thank you for everything. Keep your head up and you’ll do great things,” Your manager advises.

You smile, “Thanks Carol, and I promise I’ll be fine out east, I promise.”

She smiles back, “i know, honey, you always will,”

Years had passed since that night with Alex. You sat waiting for him to come back for a year, and sometimes he did, but they always ended the same way. He and Sofia got married and you saw on instagram that he and Sofia had just welcomed a baby girl into the world: Isabella Grace Turcotte. 

Even after his daughter was born, he continued to show up drunk at your door declaring that he needed you. And each time you gave yourself away to him, hoping he’d choose you at the end of the night. 

But enough was enough, you decided you deserved more than being his mistress behind closed doors. You knew he didn’t care about you at this point anymore, that it was convenient for him that you were willing to continuously destroy yourself each time he decided to come back into your life. So you decided to leave LA and head east to Boston. 

Alex had moved on to the bigger and better things you knew were in store for him, he was the Kings best player, and you were happy his dreams were finally turning into his reality. It was time you invested the energy you had poured into him for so long into yourself. It was time you gave yourself a shot at turning your own dreams into a reality. And you never looked back.

[the-demelza-robins]

american high school!jily (i)

hi! here’s the first chapter of my american high school au! it��s also on ao3 and ffnet! 

LILY EVANS DOES NOT THINK OF JAMES POTTER. She does not think of him — loud, funny, arrogant — as she walks to the bus stop each morning (she does, however, regret the fact that she doesn’t have her driver’s license yet). She does not think of him as she gets her textbooks from her locker (she does think of Roger Davies, though). She does not think of him as she moves from classroom to classroom, notebook to notebook, assignment to assignment. She does not think of him as she takes yearbook photos and attends Feminists of Northwood High meetings. She does not think of his eyes (hazel) or his hair (dark brown, almost black, always ruffled does he even try) or his face (a mishmash of features that, admittedly, only he can pull off).

There are, however, plenty of other people — girls, especially — who do think of James. Girls who think of his eyes (captivating, intense) and his hair (perfectly messy) and his face (jawline, glasses). Girls who watch him sit at the best table in the cafeteria with Sirius and Remus and Peter, trading jokes back and forth and smiling easily, and wish, fervently, that they could be pulled into his vortex, into his charisma, into his confidence. 

Lily doesn’t look down on these girls — no, that would be borderline misogynistic of her. She just doesn’t understand the appeal, because, to her, James Potter has always seemed a little too sharp around the edges, a disco ball made of jagged glass, to provoke any feelings of fondness or… more. Her impression of him is no doubt colored by Sev, who, despite now being the poster boy for fucking Brietbart, used to tell her things. Used to tell her what James would do, how his friends — “they call themselves the Marauders, Lil, how presumptuous is that” — would take a laugh at his expense. James Potter is smart, the thing is, and observant, and he knew just what to say — just what buttons to push — in order to get Sev where it really hurt.

Whatever. The point is, James Potter is sharp, and Lily doesn’t want to prick her finger. 

So, when James walks over to Lily on the first day of October and asks her to go out with him, ignoring the fact that she’s fulfilling her very important duties as yearbook editor-in-chief by taking photos of the soccer team — Roger Davies is the “keeper,” which Lily has learned means goalie, and James is a striker, whatever the hell that means, and Lily thinks it’s unfair that James gets all the glory when Roger is the backbone of the team, but whenever she tries this argument on her friends, they dismiss it on the grounds that she has a not-so-tiny crush on Roger and therefore is biased — Lily says no.

“No?” James repeats, and for a second Lily feels almost bad for him, ruffled hair and eyes blinking at her from behind those glasses of his. 

“No,” she affirms. “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested.”

He nods, and twists around to look at Sirius, Remus, and Peter, who are all laughing — at him or at her, Lily can’t be sure, but either way it makes her skin prickle — from the sidelines. “Hey, she said no!”

“Fuck,” Sirius says, his voice carrying in a way he must be aware of. “Sorry, Evans!”

Lily is a little surprised that Sirius knows her name. Surprised, perhaps, because she thinks of him only as Marlene’s fiercest crush, the reason why so much Taylor Swift leaks out of her friend’s aging Toyota. No, Sirius is not a person, not in Lily’s head. The collision of these two worlds — Marlene’s and reality’s — makes her very uncomfortable. 

“For what?” Lily yells back, rolling her strained neck (that camera weighs heavier than she remembered — technically taking photos is below her paygrade, but fucking Lucius skimped out again because of a “family emergency” and she has to get them in in time, and besides… a plausible excuse to look at Roger is certainly not something she would ever pass up on.

“Sorry for unleashing James on you, it was a dare,” Sirius shouts, and one of the practicing soccer players tells them to either shut up or go somewhere else. Lily rolls her eyes and makes a decision. She could walk towards them, cross the social line, discover what “unleashing James” means. 

She doesn’t. She shrugs and walks away. 

“See you around, Evans?” James calls, voice strangely strangled-sounding. She thinks she imagined it. 

***

The next time she sees him, he’s probably drunk, holding a red solo cup in his left hand and high fiving Sirius with his right. She watches him from across the room — it’s not intentional, she tells herself, but she does— as he chats with his friends.

“Lily. Lilylilylily,” a drunk Dorcas whines, tugging on Lily’s sleeve like a four year-old.

“What?” Lily asks, recalibrating and facing her friend. 

“Mary. It’s Mary. Mary from P.E.”

Following her friend’s gaze, Lily confirms that Mary from P.E. is indeed also in Sirius’s house for this random party, chatting with Romilda Vane, a sophomore a year younger than her. “I see her.”

“Why is she talking to Romilda?” Dorcas asks, way too loud, and Lily drags her friend up the stairs and through the nearest door. The abundance of death metal memorabilia tells her that they’re in Sirius’s bedroom.

“I thought you were done with Mary.”

“I never started with Mary,” Dorcas says petulantly, plopping unceremoniously onto the unmade twin in the corner. “Mary is pretty. Mary is sweet. Why is Mary speaking to Romilda Vane?”

“Maybe Mary likes Romilda Vane,” Lily suggests gently, sitting down on the bed next to Dorcas. 

“I thought Mary liked me.”

“I don’t —”

“I think that Romilda should go home. GO HOME, ROMILDA.”

“Don’t shout, someone might hear,” Lily replies, thinking of the cracked-open door.

“Then they can join me in telling Romilda to go home.” 

Lily is about to formulate some response to this when the door swings open, and who but James Potter steps in, arm slung around Gretchen Prewett’s waist, hair messier than usual. He’s whispering to the girl, smile tugging at his face, and just as he’s about to lean in, he sees Lily. 

Is it just the lighting, or does his face go slightly red? Lily knows hers did. James opens his mouth as if to say something, but nothing comes out.

Gretchen’s eyes shift from Lily to James and back. Lily grabs Dorcas’s hand and pulls her friend past them and down the stairs. 

Around a half hour later, James and Gretchen follow. 

***

“Evans!” 

Lily slams her locker door shut and turns towards the voice. “What do you want, James?”

“Sounds like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning,” he responds, that annoying, way-too-full-of-himself grin on his face. 

“I’m betting you did, considering that your hair looks like that,” Lily shoots back, shouldering her backpack. She has plans to meet Sev, plans involving ice cream, and doesn’t want to be late because James Potter decided he wanted a verbal sparring partner. 

James whistles. “Nice one. Listen, Lily…” he pauses, and for a second she sees something like vulnerability on his face. The halls are basically empty now — it is a Friday, after all, and no one lingers if they can help it — and for a second it feels like the air has compressed around her, around them, until the only sounds in the world are James’s intake of breath as he prepares to speak again. 

“There’s — my mom has a garden that she’s working on, and I remember you saying that you like flowers, and — well — do you want to garden with me? Sometime?”

“Lil?” The air expands again.

Lily turns, and there’s Sev, standing with his too-long hair and his messenger bag, looking confused and angry and betrayed, most of all. 

“Of course it’s Snivellus,” James mutters, and all of the vulnerability is gone, the mask of self-assurance pulled firmly back into place. 

A lot has happened in the past five minutes, but those words are the only ones that Lily latches onto. “What do you mean, ‘of course it’s Snivellus’?” she snaps, turning back to face James in full, with all of the fiery self-righteousness only a seventh grader can possess. 

James opens his mouth and closes it again, eyes shifting between Lily and Sev. “Of course,” he says, voice cool and measured, “it’s Snivellus. Your guard dog, huh, Evans? See the big bad James Potter and he’ll come running, because God forbid you talk to anyone — hang out with anyone — but him.”

“You’re out of line, James,” Lily says, feeling her cheeks coloring and hoping that Sev won’t notice. “I would never pick flowers with you.”

With that, she turns on her heel, towards Sev, towards ice cream, towards the planned banality of the afternoon. 

When freshman year began, things shifted. Sev joined the Alternative Media Club and started spouting shit. People noticed James, and he stopped noticing Lily. Roger moved to their town from Seattle. Life seemed more pressing, more tangible, more present. And that was that. 

***

Besides, Lily has other things — other boys — to worry about. She’s had a massive crush on Roger Davies since freshman year, and for good reason: he’s kind. Considerate. Talks to the frosh even though he’s a senior like her and has every reason to ignore them. Has a killer smile, the right height, and broad shoulders. Perfect. 

If only — well. She and Roger are perfectly friendly, but she doubts he knows anything about her; she doubts he thinks anything about her. Logically, Lily has known this since freshman year, but, still, she stays within his sightline. She wore makeup tonight, more than usual. She hopes he’ll look up and see her, like the male love interest does in all of Marlene’s favorite movies; hopes he’ll realize that the one he’s been looking for has been right in front of him the entire time. 

Lily knows how stupid she’s being. She also knows that, when he does (finally) make eye contact with her (once, but she swears he held it for a second longer than normal), her heart starts to race. So there’s that. 

***

James joins yearbook, with means that Sirius, Remus, and Peter join yearbook. Lily was tempted, when they first showed up outside room 304, to tell them to leave — she knows their respect for authority is basically natch, and she needs order if the yearbook is going to be any good this year — but she bites her tongue. James ignores her, anyway, or at least he does until discussion of the theme comes up. Roger and Lily had already settled on Outer Space, and the rest of the staff were on track to agree — that is, until James stands up and makes an impassioned speech in favor of Animals, egged on by Sirius shouting “hear, hear!” every few minutes. Lily shuts it down and sends the so-called Marauders to take photos of the Bible Study club as punishment. James bounds out of the room, camera bouncing against his chest in a way that makes Lily want to tear her hair out because he’s gonna break it. 

When the meeting’s over, Roger walks out of the building with her. 

“You were good with them,” he says. “James and — the rest.” 

“Oh,” Lily says, and she’s definitely blushing now. “Thanks.”

He smiles — an easy grin — and walks towards his car. Marlene honks from hers, and Lily hops in. Later, when Mar drops her off at her house, she has a text from an unknown number. 

Potter broke the camera — Roger

Lily knows she should be mad about the camera, but she can’t quite summon the emotion. Instead, something glittering flutters through her. 

Roger Davies’ number is now in her phone. 

***

James doesn’t have an excuse at the next meeting. He just stares at the floor when Roger asks how the camera broke, and Lily can’t help but notice that it’s unlike James to be quiet. Ever. 

She shrugs the thought off; she has work to do. Important work, like getting official pictures of every club, affinity group, and forensics team in her sprawling, one-thousand student high school. Later, walking down a back stairwell and marveling at her luck at being able to get the photos for both the presidents of Cheese Club and the cohort leaders of Girls Who Code in the same fifteen-minute time frame, Lily hears voices. Familiar ones. 

“Why didn’t you just tell them?” the first one says. Lily immediately identifies the lazy drawl as Sirius’s. 


“What kind of friend do you think I am, idiot?” James’s voice — sharper, yet friendlier, even as he insults his friend — replies. Lily looks over the banister and sees that the pair is standing on the steps a flight down, (new) cameras around their necks.

“It’s just Peter,” Sirius snorts. “Not a big deal. His dad would’ve paid for it anyway.”

“You know how Roger is with Peter,” James says in a hushed tone that makes Lily lean even further over the bannister. “He’d tear him to pieces. Besides, it’s just a camera. Mom’ll be happy to reimburse the school when she hears why I said I did it.”

“Will she, though? You know how she gave us that whole speech about responsibility and digging our own graves and stuff like that.”

James stiffens slightly, the lines of his jaw and the straight of his back becoming slightly more pronounced as he fiddles with his hands. “I’ll talk to her.”

“But she said —”

“I know what she said, Sirius.”

“But soccer —”

“I’ll figure it out!” James says sharply. After a second, he buries his head in his hands. “Sorry. ‘M really tense. It’ll all work out.” 

Sirius stands. “It better.”

Lily’s phone starts to vibrate, and she hurries back up the stairs before she’s discovered, mind reeling. 

You know how Roger is with Peter. He’d tear him to pieces.

The Roger she knows — thinks she knows — would never hurt someone, and definitely not over a stupid camera. Right?

***

“I can’t believe — he’s insufferable — the camera —”

“We have insurance,” Lily says, watching Roger pacing the room. 

“That we had to fight to get the school to sponsor! Ms. Rodriguez is going to freak the fuck out and… Jesus, Lily, why aren’t you more upset by this?”

“Because it’s not a big deal! We’ll get the new camera and chew James out, and he won’t go it again.”

At this, Roger stops pacing. “No. We need to kick them out.”

“What?”

He puts his hands on a desk between them, leaning in ever so slightly. “Lily. They broke a camera. They’ve cost this school — us — hundreds of dollars. And they’re not even good at yearbook! They only joined because —”

“Because what?” Lily asks, annoyed. 

Roger purses his lips. “Not my secret to tell, but it’s so fucking obvious.” 

“Then tell me.” 

He shakes his head, runs a hand through his hair. “No. Can we at least… put them on probation?” 

“Yearbook probation?” Lily says disbelievingly, trying to reconcile this version of Roger with the one in her head, puzzle pieces mashing against each other but not sliding into place. She doesn’t understand why Roger is so upset, but James’ words keep echoing in her head. He’d tear him to pieces. “I didn’t know that existed.”

“You’re right. It’s fine. I’ll email Ms. Rodriguez.” 

Lily exhales. “Thank you.” 

He shoulders his bag, takes a deep breath. “Okay. I have practice, but I’ll text you once I’ve sent the email.”

Lily knows she should be ecstatic at the promise of more communication with him, but, as she watches him go, she can’t quite summon the excitement. You know how Roger is. No, she doesn’t. 

read part two here!

[cali-holland]

Sacred New Beginnings- Tom Holland One Shot

Pairing: Tom Holland X Reader

Requested by @stahpppppp​ : Reader is a famous singer and she is friends with Zendaya. Based on Taylor Swift song “Cornelia Street” 🙂 Thank you!

Prompt: You fall in love with Tom on Cornelia Street

Word Count: 3100

Based On: Cornelia Street (and kinda I Think He Knows) by Taylor Swift

Warnings: sexual themes, probably swearing

A/N: Sorry it took so long to post this, I’ve had it finished for agesss

Masterlist   Tom Holland Masterlist

*Gif is not mine*

~~~

“Come on, just a few drinks.” Zendaya nudged you, encouragingly, and you rolled your eyes at her. “Tom will be there.”

“Like that changes my answer.” You joked, hoping she didn’t catch the blush creeping on your cheeks. She did. “I need to finish writing for my album.”

“The bar will give you inspiration!” She insisted. “You’re coming!”

“Fine.” You huffed, not wanting to deal with her persistent nagging any longer.

She was your best friend, ever since you met at an awards show where the two of you both snuck in food in your bags and shared it with each other. You didn’t live in New York, you were renting a small townhouse in the city, seeking a new environment to finish writing your album. It happened to be that Zendaya was also in the city, filming for Spider-Man for a few weeks. 

While filming the last movie, you’d gone to visit her on set, and that’s where you met- and developed a school girl crush on, Tom Holland. He was dreamy, charming, handsome, and you had completely fallen for him over the course of those couple weeks you were in Georgia. Over the past couple years, you two had kept in contact via social media, but nothing too elaborate or special, and neither of you managed to see each other in person again. Until now, when you’d be seeing him for the first in a couple years and you just hoped it could take your mind off of your album.

You quickly got ready to go to the bar with Zendaya, who was already (because she showed up at your door, demanding you go after you ignored her texts). Once you were finally satisfied with your look for the night, you two left your place on Cornelia Street and got into a taxi, heading to the bar where you’d meet up with Tom and the rest of the cast.

“Do I look okay?” You asked, a hand subconsciously playing with your hair nervously until Zendaya lightly slapped it away.

“You look amazing, and by the way, I know for sure that Tom’s still single.” She said proudly.

“I didn’t even ask.” You replied, shaking your head at her in disbelief as the cab driver came to a stop in front of the bar.

“I’m just saying.” Your best friend shrugged innocently at you. You both shuffled your way out of the cab and hurried inside of the bar. Even though you’d only been outside for a minute, you already regretted not pairing your outfit with a jacket- the chill autumn air wasn’t your friend tonight.

“You all remember Y/N, right?” Zendaya smiled, pulling you up to the crowded table with her. Around the table, you recognized Tom, Jacob, and two others beside Tom- one you believed was Harrison (but you only briefly met him two years ago) and you were pretty sure the other was Tom’s brother, who you had never met.

“How could we forget?” Tom spoke up, smiling brightly at you. 

“Hey, everyone.” You greeted. Zendaya took one of the two open seats at the table, leaving the only open one between her and Tom. She smiled innocently at you. Before you even sat in your chair, you nodded your head back to the bar. “I’m gonna go grab a drink. Anyone want more?” With a chorus of yes’s coming from the group, Tom got up to accompany you over to the bar, insisting he could help you get all the drinks. After you two ordered the next round of drinks, he turned to you to start a conversation.

“How’s the album going?” Tom asked you, and you looked at him surprised, wondering how he knew that you were working on an album- you’d tried to keep it private. Seeing your shock, he explained, “Z said you were here for an album.”

“Oh yeah, came here for inspiration, but I’m slowly starting to lose it.” You sighed, feeling a little defeated. 

“What’s the album about? Is it like- what do they call it, a concept album?” He laughed, hoping he’d gotten the word right, and you nodded.

“I guess the concept I’ve been going for is a letter to love itself.” You said, “I know, it sounds cheesy, but-”

“No, it sounds great. I’m sure it’s going to be a killer album. Your music’s amazing, you’re really talented.” He reassured you as the bartender set the numerous drinks on a small tray in front of the two of you, but neither of you made any effort to move/

“Thank you. I just have two more songs left to write for this album.”

“Do you know what they’re about yet?”

“I have this idea from one of them.” You started and he nodded, encouraging you to continue. You laughed as you tried to think of the words, “It’s kind of a quiet confidence, but still cool and sexy- the feeling of that first feeling of attraction. I just can’t find the right lyrics for it yet.”

“Are lyrics normally hard for you to write?” Tom asked. You could tell that he was genuinely intrigued, even though you were worried you’d started to bore him with album talk. Tom took a sip of his drink as he waited for your response.

“Not really, which is why I’m so frustrated with these two songs.”

“Well,” He paused, “Why don’t you come up with a lyric about me? I mean, you said “that first feeling of attraction”, so-”

“Are you implying that I’m attracted to you?” You laughed, teasingly.

“Are you implying that you’re not?” He asked, leaning in closer to you.

“Fine.” You took a moment to look him up and down, your eyes landing on his hand holding onto his beer, before you looked him in the eyes, “I think he knows his hand around a cold glass makes me wanna know that body like it’s mine.”

“Were you two ever going to bring back our drinks?” Zendaya questioned, appearing behind the two of you, making both you and Tom jump back in surprise.

“We were just heading back.” Tom insisted, grabbing the tray of drinks, and you and Zendaya both quickly grabbed a couple glasses because all three of you knew Tom would absolutely not make it back to the table without spilling one of the many drinks. Once settled in back at the table, you quickly got out your phone and wrote down the line you’d said to Tom, feeling like it suited your song well.

After a few hours of laughing, drinking, and just catching up with the whole group, you all decided it was probably best to head out. Harry, Harrison, Jacob, and Zendaya all filled up one cab, and Tom stayed behind with you to catch a second one.

“Are you cold?” Tom asked as you shivered lightly, waiting for an empty taxi. Before you could even reply, he had taken off his jacket and put it around your shoulders.

“Then, you’re going to be cold.” You laughed, wrapping your arms around the back of his neck, keeping him close to you, “I’m not going to have you get frostbite because you gave me your jacket.”

“It’s not even that cold out.” He shook his head at you in disbelief, but rested his hands on your waist, pulling you even closer to him. After a moment, he moved one of his hands to cup your chin and kissed you. It was a little sloppy and drunken, you could easily taste the beer on his lips, but it was still perfect to you. He pulled back and rested his forehead on yours, “We should go.”

“Yeah,” You let out a small sigh, stepping away from him to hail the next taxi.

“Where are you headed?” The driver asked as you two got into the cab. Tom said the name of his hotel, and the cab took off, beginning its journey.

“You know, I’m renting a place on Cornelia Street.” You said casually in the backseat beside Tom. Feeling the strength of the bar’s alcohol (mixed with the overwhelming attraction you felt for Tom), you hoped you weren’t too forward as you said, “You could stay there tonight, if you want to.”

“I’d love to.” Tom smiled. Relieved, you informed the cab driver of your address, telling him to scratch the previous instructions. Tom tentatively reached over to take your hand in his, making you smile at him.

The driver pulled up to your townhouse and you paid him quickly before basically stumbling out of the car with Tom, his hand still tightly holding yours. Once inside, you had barely gotten the front door closed when Tom kissed you, his hand dropping yours to wrap around your waist. It was hungry and passionate, and you never wanted it to end.

“Bedroom?” He mumbled, just barely bringing his lips off yours.

“Third floor.” You laughed lightly as he sighed. “Gotta get some good cardio in.”

“We seem to have a different idea of what good cardio is at this moment.” Tom joked. You kissed him again, before pulling away and grabbing his hand, leading him up to the master bedroom.

The next morning, you woke up with the all too familiar nauseating feeling of a hangover. Groaning, you snuggled deeper into your pillow, taking a moment to realize it was not a pillow and more of a warm, strong, bare chest. Though some details from last night were fuzzy, you definitely remembered bringing Tom home last night. The only thing currently separating you and Tom was the shirt of his you were wearing and his underwear that he was wearing. Listening to the sound of Tom’s steady heartbeat and the light rain outside, you never wanted to leave your bed.

“Good morning.” Tom said quietly. His arm was wrapped around your shoulders and his hand played softly with your hair as you shifted up from his chest to look at him.

“Good morning.” You replied, a drowsy smile on your lips.

“Are you hungover?” He asked with a little laugh as you brought a hand up to rub your temples.

“If that’s your way of complimenting my morning after look, it’s a really shitty way and I don’t recommend using that on any of your other hookups.” You joked.

“First of all, your morning after look is beautiful.” Tom stated, placing his free hand on your cheek, gently caressing it with his thumb, “Second of all, it was a question because I’m hungover. And lastly, who said this was a hookup? Do you want this to just be a hookup because I was going to ask you out?”

“You were going to ask me out?” You asked, a timid smile on your face and he nodded.

“I’ve been kicking myself for not doing it sooner.” He took your hand in his and pressed a small kiss to it, “So what do you say, wanna go out with me?”

“Yes,” You leaned over to kiss him. Pulling you away you both let out small laughs, “Morning breath and alcohol breath don’t mix.”

“They definitely don’t.” Tom laughed.

“Let’s get up. I’ll make breakfast.” You slid out of his embrace and the warm bed.

“Stealing my clothes already?” He asked, noticing you wore his shirt. Apparently he didn’t catch you putting it on last night, not like you really remembered that bit either.

“You’re not getting that jacket back anytime soon.” You teased.

“You can have the jacket, but I’ll need the shirt eventually. The media will already be all over me doing the walk of shame, they don’t need the added bonus of me doing shirtless.” He joked, and you ran a hand over his abs, smiling.

“Do you think anyone’s going to complain about seeing you shirtless?” You leaned up to kiss him again, before separating from him to go make breakfast. 

~~~

“He got my heartbeat skipping down 16th Avenue,” You started to play your guitar as you sang, reading over the lyrics you’d written, “Got that, oh! I mean wanna see what’s under that attitude. Like, I want you, bless my soul, I ain’t-” You paused, hearing the floorboards creaking. Tom was awake from his nap.

“Don’t stop on my account.” He said, coming into the makeshift studio.

“I gotta get this chorus worked out.” You set your guitar to the side, letting Tom come sit beside you on the couch.

“I’ve heard you go over the same five lines for an hour. You need a break.” He laughed, wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you so that the two of you were lying on the couch cuddling. It was times like these that made you really feel like you were in love with him, but it was all too soon to think like that, right? With the rain pouring down outside, it was serenely peaceful there in his arms.

“I didn’t mean to keep you up.”

“It’s alright.” He kissed you reassuringly. He hummed in content, “I never want this to end.”

“What?” You pulled away from him a little. “Who said anything about ending?”

“I just thought- I mean I’m only in New York for a couple more weeks, and you’re going back to LA soon.” Tom explained. You stood up from the couch with furrowed eyebrows.

“So what, when we leave here, you were just going to walk away?” You questioned and Tom jumped up from the couch, defensively.

“No, that’s not what-”

“You said you wanted to date me? But was I just a glorified hookup? A fling? God, you were leading me on!” You accused, feeling disgusted with yourself for distracting yourself with a fling. Tom tried to step towards you but you backed up and turned away, “Just, please, go. I need some time alone.”

You couldn’t bear to look at him as you spoke. You heard him sigh, but leave the room without another word, the floorboard creaking as he left. You held back your scared tears until you heard the front door open and close again. He left, just like you told him to, and yet you didn’t want him to be gone.

After a few minutes of solid crying, you decided you had to leave, too. You couldn’t spend another day on Cornelia Street. As you started to pack a few bags, your phone began to ring, and you groaned, seeing it was Zendaya. You and Tom hadn’t really told that many people, other than Z and the group from the bar- maybe that should’ve been your first sign he wanted it to be a fling. You didn’t know if he’d go to Zendaya, if he’d tell her what happened; after all, it had only been a hour since he left.

Picking up the phone, you decided to act like everything was okay, “Hey Z, what’s up?”

“Tell me you’re still at Cornelia Street.” She said as if it was urgent.

“I’m packing to leave, right now.” You told her, getting the sense that she knew about it all.

“Unpack those bags. You’re not leaving, not now.” She was using her maternal voice, which only came out when you were about to make a bad decision that she didn’t agree with.

“Z, did Tom talk to you?” You asked.

“Yes.” She replied and you sighed.

“Then you know why I have to leave.”

“No, I know why you have to stay.” She insisted, sincerity rich in her voice, “Y/N, it wasn’t just a fling to Tom. Just, hear him out.”

“What-” Before you could get your question all the way out, there was a ring at your doorbell.

“Sounds like someone’s outside. I gotta go.” Zendaya said quickly before hanging up the phone.

You already knew it was Tom on the other side of the door, given by her reaction and the fact that no one’s ever rang the doorbell since you’ve rented that townhouse. Making your way downstairs, you tentatively rested your hand on the doorknob. When you opened the door, Tom stood there nervously on the other side, hair a little wet from the rain earlier with a box of chocolates in his hand.

“Apology chocolates?” He offered with a small smile. You bit your lip to keep yourself from laughing, opening the door wider to let him come inside.

“Let’s go to the terrace.” You said, taking his hand and leading him up the stairs, just as you had done the first time he entered your townhouse. Once on the roof, you both sat on the patio couch, having a nice view of the New York sunset with a few rain clouds fading away.

“When I said I didn’t want this to end, I meant I didn’t want us to end because Cornelia Street ends.” Tom started, setting aside the chocolates to take your hands in his, “Because I’ll go back to London or wherever I’m filming and you’ll go back to LA or wherever you’re touring. I didn’t want us to be over when we both leave Cornelia Street. This townhouse right here is our safe haven. I’m showing my hand right now, I love you.”

“We’ll make it work long distance because I don’t know what I’ll do if it doesn’t. I love you, too.” You smiled, leaning over on the couch to kiss him. Tom shivered a little into the kiss and you were surprised by how unusually cold his lips were. “Oh my god, you’re freezing.”

“Yeah, the terrace probably wasn’t a good idea.” He laughed.

“C’mon, let’s run a bath then and get you warmed up.” You stood from the couch and grabbed his hand. He picked up the box of chocolates and followed you to the master bathroom. Once you drew the bath, Tom slid in first with the chocolates open on the ledge beside him. Just before you got in, you paused and ran back to the bedroom.

“Where are you going?” Tom called after you. You came into the room a moment later with your notebook and a pen.

“I have lyrics. I need to write them.” You said, tapping your forehead with the pen, before sliding into the bath with your back pressed against his chest. His arms wrapped around your waist and he pressed a kiss to your shoulder.

“What’s this one about?”

“Cornelia Street”.” You smiled, writing out the chorus.

‘I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends, 

I’d never walk Cornelia Street again,

That’s the kind of heartbreak time could never mend,

I’d never walk Cornelia Street again,

And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name,

And baby, I’m so terrified of if you ever walk away,

I’d never walk Cornelia Street again,

I’d never walk Cornelia Street again…’

[ilooklikeaburntchickenugget]

Only Mine Pt. 3

A/N: I know this is a part 3, so it’s on the verge of a mini series, but I got this idea and thought it would be cool so we’re going with it. aLsO I know Instagram and most social media and modern iPhones were not around during the Black Parade era of 2007. But let’s all just pretend like they were for the sake of this fic. Also, if you have ever been to a Taylor Swift concert, I’m pretty sure you’ll understand that the entire things is based off of one, specifically 1989 (my favorite era if we’re being honest). Pairing: Gerard Way x F!Reader Words: 3,270 Warnings: Mentions of sex, a bit of swearing.

You could feel the corset back of your bodysuit be tightened and tied once again, after dozens of times. This was not your first rodeo.

Playing in front of over 150,000 people may have seemed impossible even a year ago. But the huge demand of fans and observers to see your tour led your record label to agree to send you on a solo stadium tour, something you had never done before.

“On in 5.” One of the stage crew walked back into your suite behind the stage to tell you. You nodded, looking over to your best friend, Y/B/F/N.

“You ready for another one?” You rolled your eyes and lightly laughed.

“I don’t think I was ever ready to go on a tour and play in front of this many people.” You admitted, getting up, “But I need to be.” She tightly smiled at you.

“Hey, you’re absolutely incredible at this. Like genuinely, fucking great.” She smiled. You had begged her months ago to go on tour with you as a companion. Ideally, your husband would have been the one to go with you, but he was touring at the exact same time. So obviously, that wouldn’t have worked out.

“Thanks.” You gave her a tight hug, her doing the same back, as the two of you walked out and into the main area behind the stage.

Going on tour had been exciting and fun in every way, but draining for so many reasons. You hadn’t seen Gerard in over six months until the night prior when he willingly flew in during a one week break MCR had from touring, so he could visit you. And, well, be a surprise guest for the show in New Jersey. Because who else would you have invited?

You had even put a sneak peek on your Instagram story earlier that morning, being up on your ginormous stage with a runway spanning over 70 feet and curving around so you could see everyone who was there. The free light-up bracelets everyone got helped too (if you’ve ever been to or seen a Taylor Swift concert, you know what I mean).

“Hey guys,” You smiled while recording yourself in one of your tour hoodies, during rehearsal on stage, “I’m super super excited because tonight, at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey, we have a very special guest. They’re literally one of my favorite people ever, if not my favorite person, and they’re so extremely talented. They’re so important to me, and I consider myself maybe their number one fan.” You lightly laughed before turning it off and posting it to your story.

“Already dropping hints, huh?” You heard Gerard walk the stage from behind you. You rolled your eyes.

“Of course I did Gee.” You smiled, “I’m just too excited!” He smiled back.

“How do you do this every night, by the way?” He asked, arms crossed with a water bottle in one of his hands. His hair was a mess, as per usual, and he had a jean jacket on.

“I don’t know,” You shrugged, “You just kinda get used to it.”

“It’s just so incredible,” He sighed, “I mean, genuinely, I don’t know how you do it.” You nudged him playfully.

“Oh please, Gee, you’re an absolute beast while you’re performing.”

“Makes sense, you’re the beauty.” You nudged him again, this time a little harder.

“You’re so cheesy sometimes.”

You walked out below the stage to where an elevator would lift you up onto it. Your nerves will still co-exist with your mind, as you took a single deep breath to calm you down. You and all your backup singers, dancers, and the band all put yourself in a circle, with your hands in the middle. “Ready guys?” You asked and everyone hummed and nodded with smiles, “I don’t know why but I feel like tonight's just going to be awesome.” You smiled. “3, 2, 1... Midnight!” Everyone shouted, cheering, and breaking away. The entire crew dispersed to their own areas where they would go out on stage as you prepared to be lifted up.

You weren’t sure whether it was the crowd or the fact your lover was there. Of course, Gerard has seen the show before. He was at the first one in a reserved section of the floor that was completely isolated from everyone with a minibar even where family and friends sat. And celebrities were invited. That entire show was basically you serenading him in front of almost 100,000 people by stealing glances during songs (all of which were about him) and motioning your hands and such towards that area. And you knew he noticed by the way his smile grew even wider than before whenever you did. And tonight would of course be no different.

“So what should I do?” He asked, standing next to you during rehearsal as you two began to plot and plan what would happen.

“Just be you.” You said.

“Babe,” He began, “I love you, like a lot, but I don’t know if me doing my usual thing is best.”

“Why not?” You pouted with a frown, “You’re fucking amazing on stage!” You argued.

“Because I tend to go a little wild, ya know, stage Gerard is different than normal Gerard-”

“Yes, I know, and that’s fine.” You insisted, “But, and trust me when I say this, stage Gerard tends to be more entertaining for a large crowd than normal Gerard. No offense.”

“No, you’re right,” He agreed, “But, ya know, we can get destructive sometimes.”

“Well you don’t get really destructive when you’re by yourself,” You said right back, “If Frank were here, that would be a different discussion.” He lightly chuckled, almost under his breath.

“You sure?” He asked again, “I mean, you’re a pop princess, and I’m a rock dude who kinda does random stupid shit like a 14-year-old with no understanding of what consequences are.”

“And love,” You told him, grabbing one of his hands, “That’s exactly what I want you to fucking do.”

The first part of the show went exactly as planned, everything went smoothly, and the crowd was incredible, to say the least. It seemed like everyone knew all the lyrics which made your heart flutter, and your glances and gestures towards Gerard always resulted in a little smirk or smile from it. You could’ve sworn you could see his blush through the nearly blinding stage lights.

It was time for another outfit change, this time Gerard would be backstage preparing for his section on stage, considering you had another song, then he would come on, then a few more before the finale. You crawled through some of the spaces in the back, running to the makeshift changing room. You saw him right outside, doing some vocal warm ups, but the moment he heard you he looked up and smiled, you return the gesture. “You’re doing incredible.” He told you, approaching you. You leaned in and gave him a peck on the lips.

“Thanks, babe.” You smiled, “I wish we could talk more but I gotta, ya know-” You motioned to the black box of a changing room behind you.

“Yeah, right, of course.” You ran in, stripping off your first bodysuit, with a second layer of spandex under it, with a group of three on your team getting you into your second bodysuit, this one a dark purple instead of light blue, and changing some minor aspects of your makeup like eye shadow color and lip color.

Running back out, you couldn’t help but notice Gerard’s stares of awe and confusion. “H-how’d you do that?” He asked, dumbfounded. You couldn’t help but laugh considering he had been in this business a few years longer than you.

“Magic!” You yelled back at him while running back to the stage door.

You crouched down again on the platform as it lifted you up, the music begging to play. You only had Cruel Summer, a relatively shorter song to play, before you could finally announce one of the most exciting things of all tour.

Once you finished the song you had to wait a few seconds, just standing there and smiling waiting for the crowd to settle down. “So guys,” You began, walking around the stage for a bit, “I don’t know how many of you may have seen this, but I posted something on my Instagram story today,” You smiled even more as the crowd cheered once again, “And I have a special guest for all of you to meet. He’s honestly the most incredible, genuine human being alive. I feel very lucky to be able to have in my life, and I don’t know what I would do without him. And I thought because we’re in New Jersey,” You shrugged, “There wouldn’t be anyone better to bring here tonight, so please, help me welcome Mr. Gerard Way!”

You could’ve sworn that you had heard the loudest crowds ever, but were you wrong. The moment you mentioned “Gerard” it was as if you were giving away free money, you were sure every person in that stadium was screaming to their fullest potential, it was almost deafening.

From the backstage lift your husband appeared, in his usual black jeans and leather jacket. Even better, one of your tour shirts on. You smiled at him as he smiled right back walking down the stage to where you were, the intro to Teenagers was already playing, everyone's light up bands turning red so the entire stadium was the color.

Gerard began singing as the crowd sang along. You could’ve sworn they were just as loud as you two were. What made it all the better was the level of cheers when he did his typical hip moves and bounced his leg to the beat. You could see a small smile form on his face, breaking his usual stage persona by the crowd’s reaction.

“Because, they sleep with a gun, and keep an eye on you, son, so they can watch all the things you do.” You sang next as he stopped to let you shine a bit before continuing the song on his own until the chorus where the two of you sang together.

You had to admit, you missed rock performances primarily because you could do whatever you wanted for no reason and people loved it. So naturally, both you and Gerard were jumping around and practically yelling, but the crowd seemed to love it.

Both of you stage personas took over which resulted in more PDA than usual, including a lot of close duets where you two were within an inch of one another, making deep eye contact while singing. The fans ate it up, yelling every time you two got within a reasonable vicinity of the other. Everyone seemed fascinated by the chemistry you two had, but you weren’t complaining.

By the end of the song, you two were standing next to each other at the end of the runway, smiling as the crowd roared like never before. You both looked out happier than ever, then back at each other where you smiled once again. While the crowd was still going crazy. “Can we give it up one for time for Gerard?” You asked, and even more, cheers erupted. You had never heard a crowd go this nuts before. Gerard smiled, even more, leaning in and giving you a quick kiss on the lips.

“Thank you, everyone!” He smiled, “And I have to give an even bigger thank you, to my wonderful, beautiful, talented wife beside me.” More people cheered, “She genuinely one of the kindest, and considerate people I’ve ever met. I feel incredibly blessed every day to have her be my wife, and she amazes me with everything she does.” He smiled, “So why don’t we give a quick round of applause to her too?” He turned to you and more of the crowd screamed and clapped in response. You scrunched your nose, smiling at him in an attempt to hide the growing blush on your cheeks. The two of you walked back up the runway and to the back, down the elevator together, Gerard giving a final wave.

One you two were out of sight, you looked up and just hugged him, squeezing him as tight as you could, him doing the same back. “You’re so perfect it hurts.” You told him, as he looked down at you smiling, his hand still on your waist.

“Can I be honest?” You nodded, “That was one of the hottest things I have ever seen.” You nudged him lightly, in a playful manner rolling your eyes. “What? I can’t say anything about my wife singing my song? Damn your hips were moving so right and-”

“Okay, c’mon lover boy, I’ve got a show I gotta get back to.” You reminded him, pulling away so you could get changed again. You could hear a light whine he let out in protest as you walked to your dressing room again, but you chose to ignore it.

You changed only two more times before the show was over. After the finale, you, the dancers, backup singers, and band all taking bows, you waved once more going back down to under the stage where you took off all your equipment and sighed in relief. Another successful show completed.

The adrenaline was still pumping through your brain as your boots clicked in the hallways of the empty backstage arena, into your dressing room. You first removed your makeup, redoing it to look more natural, and changing from the sequence dress you wore during the last song into a pair of jeans and a solid-colored sweatshirt.

While you were putting on one of your pairs of sneakers you heard a knock on the door. “Come in.” You responded. Opening the door, Gerard appeared on the other side, smiling and closing it behind him. “Hey.” You smiled back.

“Hey, babe.” He said, leaning on the wall beside the door. “You did incredibly amazing.” You lightly laughed.

“Thanks.” You got up from where you were sitting on the couch, walking over to him and placing your arms loosely over his arms and behind his neck. “I couldn’t have done it without my special guest.”

“Well, yeah, you probably could have-” You placed your lips on his, immediately making him go quiet.

“Just shut up and take the compliment, Way.”

“Only if you insist, Way.”

“I gotta go meet some fans.” You pulled away, grabbing your water bottle and taking a sip. “You coming with?” He gave you a confused look. “Oh, c’mon,” You grabbed his hand, “They’re gonna freak.”

You never did paid meet and greets. Instead, you had hand-selected some of the fans to meet you after the show for free or had some people in your team go and find some lucky fans who you would meet. But tonight they would get a two for one with both you and Gerard. “Stay right here.” You whispered to him when you got to the meet and greet area, you two hiding behind a curtain. He nodded.

You walked through the black felt, as all dozen of the fans looked up to you wide-eyed, one of them even screaming. “Hey, guys!” You said, which resulted in all of them screaming, and one of them began to cry. “Oh my gosh.” You looked at her. She couldn’t have been much older than 16. But when she looked up, you immediately knew who she was. “Hi, Rachel.” You said. At that, she began sobbing more. “Can I give you a hug?” You asked, trying to calm her down. She nodded frantically as you wrapped your arms around her, and she hung onto you for dear life. “Don’t cry!” You insisted.

After talking to each of them individually for a few minutes it was finally time for a photo op. “By the way guys,” You said, “I have one more surprise.” You smiled, going back to the curtain that you emerged from previously. You looked at Gerard, who got the cue to come out. Of course, the fans gasped again as they saw him standing there now next to you. “This is my husband, Gerard, he was the guy on stage with me. And he’s the lead singer of this really awesome band called My Chemical Romance.”

“Uh, yeah, duh.” One of the girls, Lyla, said and you all laughed.

One by one you took photos with the fans and the people they came with, some of them doing poses and such which both you and Gerard were down to do. You also handed out free merch bags, which had some collectible items that were exclusive to only the fans who had been invited backstage.

You said goodbye to all of them, leaving you, Gerard, and some of the team plus security behind. The two of you walked back to your large dressing room, grabbing your personal belongings, and going out back where a car was to pick you up and bring you back to the hotel.

In the backseat of the solid black car, you couldn’t help but lay your head on Gerard’s shoulder, having not done so in months. Everything from his scent to the feel of his various jackets on your cheeks always put your mind to ease. You could feel his hand on your thigh, giving it a tight squeeze of reassurance that he was there.

The car ride was silent. Not an awkward silence, but more of an enjoyable one. Just the presence of one another was enough to occupy your minds from any conversation.

Once you had reached the hotel, you two walked in hand and hand with security around you and up to your room. Inside the suite, you couldn’t help but take off your shoes and immediately sit down on the bed. “I’m really tired.” You admitted, “I’m sorry.” You looked up at your husband who couldn’t help but have an extremely confused look on his face.

“Why’re you apologizing?”

“Just because we would usually, well ya know, have sex which I’m pretty sure was on both of our agendas today.”

“Babe, you just performed a sold-out show in front of over 150,000 people. The last thing I want you to do is to worry about sex.”

“Okay,” You huffed, “I’m going to take a shower.” You got up giving him a quick kiss.

“I’ll be waiting for you, love.” He smiled. You got into the bathroom, closing the door, and stripping yourself of your current clothes. You took a quick and speedy shower. Considering your current state of being tired, you knew if you didn’t get in and out of there you would have just fallen asleep.

You changed into a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt, walking back out to find Gerard, comfortably suited on his side of the bed in his pajamas, reading a book. You went over, climbing next to you, prompting him to put the novel down. “You can continue to read with one of the lights.” You told him, feeling partially guilty.

“No need,” He said, “As cheesy as this is going to sound, I’ve been thinking about cuddling with you for months now.” He slumped down so he was parallel with the bed. You lightly smiled, moving closer. He wrapped his hands around your waist and onto your back, letting your place your face in the crook of his neck. “I’m so incredibly proud of you.”

“Thanks, Gee.” You responded, “I would’ve never gotten here if it wasn’t for my wonderful muse.”

[quitetheoppositeofcalm]

The Moment I Knew

Hey! This is the first thing I’m going to be posting. This is for any female readers, with no description. There is no name for your MALE s/o or friends. So if you wanted a Tom Holland x reader or Tony Stark x reader, or whoever you want. It is NOT in chronological order for the memory bits, just warning you. I did my best to base it off of the song by Taylor Swift and I’m quite happy with what I created. Hope you like it <3

Pairing: anyone x reader

Summary: y/n’s boyfriend was never on time and barely showed up when he was supposed to. It became a constant thing, that it started to hurt when he went back on his word.

Warnings: a lil bit of swearing, quite a bit of angst, crying, disappointment

Word Count: 3,458

Song Inspiration: The Moment I Knew, Taylor Swift

Note: Italics = memories, Bold = song lyrics

y/n had checked her phone one last time, as the last few guests walked through her door. a quick look and there was no sign of him. instead of showing her disappointment, she smiled and greeted the others, leaving her phone on the counter as she started to mingle with her guests. after all they were here for her, so she might as well put on a happy face and wait. 

her smile was forced as she caught up with old friends. she was tempted to pick up her phone and look for any messages that would have her heart leap into her throat from seeing his name on her screen. but she resisted because of his silly smile on her lock screen would have her giddy and her heart would ache with no reply from him. y/n didn’t want too much heartbreak on today of all days.

You should've been there

Should've burst through the door

With that "Baby, I'm right here" smile

y/n was waiting for him to meet her at the park. she had to wait for half an hour until he responded, saying he got caught up in practicing his guitar. she tore her attention from her phone as she looked around the park for any sign of him. her breath hitched in her throat as she met his warm eyes. his hair was tousled as he ran another hand through it, walking straight to y/n. a small smile graced his lips, embracing her in a warm and tight hug that made her heart leap into her throat.

“hey.” he said softly, slowly pulling from the hug.

“hey.” her voice was quiet and small, still recovering from hugging him. he always had that starstruck effect on her, even after all these years of knowing each other. 

“i’m sorry i was late, it is inexcusable and i kept you waiting. i get so distracted that it’s sometimes hard to pull my attention away from things.” he apologized quickly, his arms still around her, but there was distance. distance that y/n wanted to close because he was so warm and comforting.

“it’s fine. i’m just happy you’re here.” she replied, a soft smile gracing her lips as he kissed her cheek softly.

“well, where would you like to stroll, miss?” his voice mocking a posh british butler’s with his chin up, a mischievous glint in his eyes. her smile was brighter than the stars that were above them as they did their weekly nighttime stroll. 

And it would've felt like

A million little shining stars had just aligned

And I would've been so happy

y/n and her friends all had different colors on their faces, reflected from the christmas lights hung around the house. she turned away from the group, saying she needed another glass of champagne and offered to get anyone else a refill. she headed towards the kitchen, facing away from the front door as she poured more champagne into the glasses.

a small sigh escaped her red painted lips, as she looked over at the front door with the porch light on. just waiting for someone to walk through. the sky turned into a beautiful sunset, nearly time for dinner. and no sign of him. so she headed back to the group, trying to force the ball of hurt in her chest to disappear as the night carried on.

Christmas lights glisten

I've got my eye on the door

Just waiting for you to walk in

But the time is ticking

“you know how next week is my birthday right?” y/n asked, looking up from her book to the man on the other side of the couch. he glanced over, nodding with little attention towards her. she moved her legs from his lap and crawled towards him. “are you going to come over early?”

“i don’t think i will. i have to finish up a few things for work, but i should be there.” he responded, a small frown on his face.

she ignored the stab towards her heart, from him going back on his word but focused on the positive. “just as long as you come.” 

“i will be there, y/n. don’t worry.”

a reassuring smile in her direction, had the two of them back to focusing on their own things and the topic dropped with no worries. 

People ask me how I've been

As I comb back through my memory

How you said you'd be here

You said you'd be here

there were only a few decorations around her house, with a small tree in the middle of her living room. it had just been decorated earlier in the day, after y/n had tried waiting for him to show up earlier. like he said he would. she shook away the disappointment and called her friends to dinner.

y/n watched her friends, standing in her red dress and matching red lipstick. she realized that her dress didn’t have the purpose she wanted with the people who had shown up. she wanted to impress him tonight. to make him as starstruck as she always is around him. turns out it wasn’t going to go as planned.

And it was like slow motion

Standing there in my party dress

In red lipstick

With no one to impress

“come on, y/n. let’s go together. just forget about him and the whole male species.” an old childhood friend said, pulling her towards the small gathering of old friends.

“i really don’t want to. he will explain why he didn’t show up or reply to my messages. he isn’t as technology based as we are.” y/n defended him quickly. an upsetting feeling landed in the pit of her stomach as she started to dwell on the possibilities of why he wasn’t responding. 

“just have some fun for a few hours, and then you can go back to moping about him.” the friend replied and y/n decided the best way for them to get off her case was to just agree with no complaints. so she made her way inside, the cool air of the AC running, relieved her of the hot from the summer air outside. 

within a few hours the small group of old friends were laughing together, y/n feeling like she was the black sheep of the group. every time her phone buzzed, she quickly looked to see if it was him, but it resulted in just a social media notification which was irrelevant to her. she looked around the room, her heart aching for the man who was missing. 

And they're all laughing

As I'm looking around the room

But there was one thing missing

And that was the moment I knew

an hour or two after dinner, she was busy cleaning up from the recent attempt at beer pong. all of the others were outside on her deck, chatting and enjoying the cool night air. she wanted to have the rest of the night alone to mope around and cry, but didn’t want to kick out her friends for her own selfish reason. after cleaning the dining room table and the kitchen, she was about to finish drying the last dish, when she dropped the glass. 

the sound of glass breaking was heard through the house, followed by a shriek. a few of her friends, who were his friends first, came to see what had happened and found her holding back tears as she swept up the mess.

And the hours pass by

Now I just wanna be alone

“meet some of my closest friends, sweetheart.” he had taken her for a kayaking trip, inviting his close friends to join. he had already met her close friends so it was about time she met his. not to mention they had started to date only a few weeks ago, so he thought that if the relationship was going to have a future, his friends would help determine it.

a shy smile graced her lips as she introduced herself and they introduced themselves. and within a few minutes they were laughing and joking like old friends, and y/n couldn’t help the feeling of her heart swelling with happiness. 

after their kayaking adventure, which had nearly all of them fall into the lake at least 3 times, y/n decided to ride along with her newfound friends since he had to head home then straight to work and she had ridden in his car. she was quiet during the car ride, tipping the kayak was more work than it should’ve been. the others were talking about her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends and ex-flings, joking around about them. one of the friends sat beside her, looked over and saw the tears threatening to fall.

“hey! stop with all that now. it isn’t funny for her, alright?” a small ‘thank-you’ smile was all she had to give to them to show them that she was grateful that they understood. some people don’t.

But your close friends always seem to know

When there's something really wrong

y/n finished cleaning the glass from the floor, ignoring the questions and proceeded on rushing down the hall towards the bathroom. she leaned against the sink, trying to reassure herself. she tried holding back her tears, letting out small hiccups and her breath catching each time.

it was silly. she was getting overworked because of a small glass breaking that had no significance towards him or her heartbreak occurring. yet something about that glass breaking caused her to feel like there was a crushing weight on her heart, threatening to crush it even more. she started to overthink, blocking out everything else which meant that she didn’t hear the footsteps of his friends that had followed her.

tears threatened to spill and she silently cursed herself for not using waterproof makeup. but in the end it didn’t matter because the sinking feeling of being nothing to someone started to whirl in her stomach again as she said 5 words in a broken voice.

“he said he’d be here.”

So they follow me down the hall

And there in the bathroom

I try not to fall apart

And the sinking feeling starts

As I say hopelessly

"He said he'd be here"

“what the hell?! you said you would be at the party yesterday and you didn’t show up!” y/n yelled at the man who casually was lounging on the couch. his eyebrow raised and a hand came up to run through his hair.

“i’m sorry. i was just-”

“busy. yeah i know. but you should know that small things like showing up or communicating if you are going to show up or not, matters to me! and it should matter to you as well.” she said, tears slowly falling from being disappointed once again by him.

“let me make it up for you.” his voice softening, standing up from the couch and making his way towards her.

“no.” she held her hand out towards him to stop him from coming any closer. her makeup ruined from her tears, dropping on her dress. “get out. i don’t want to see you right now. and you are not going to be able to make up for this with sex. i don’t want your damn body, i want you to show up and stay. and since that’s too hard for you then i want you to do what you’re best at and leave.”

a sigh was heard, her head down as he gave a quick kiss on the top of her head. “i’ll text you tomorrow.” he told her right before he closed the front door. once she heard his car leave her driveway, she broke down and fell onto the ground. 

tears streaming down her face as she tried rubbing them away, resulting in her hand stained with mascara and red lipstick. She had no idea why he never showed up when he was supposed to. he seemed so perfect at the beginning, sure showing up late was a bit of a flaw, but at least in the beginning he had texted her about why he showed up late. 

he was a package deal of happiness and disappointment.

And it was like slow motion

Standing there in my party dress

In red lipstick

With no one to impress

one of her friends, grabbed her and embraced her in a much needed hug. and that was when she broke down all the way from trying to keep it inside for such a long time. her loud sobs caused her other friends to follow the noise, still laughing until they saw her crying. it didn’t stop them from asking about him. about why he wasn’t the one hugging y/n, where he was, what he was doing nowadays, why he was missing from the party, why he was missing from her life so much. it hurt hearing the whispers over her loud sobs about how they were never going to work in the end anyway.

 “i-i just need a little time to calm down. i’m sorry. we ar-are going to have cake once i compose myself. c-can you guys please get it all ready for me, please?” she asked, trying to control herself from bursting out into tears as she wiped them away. they nodded, giving her reassuring but also pitying looks towards her as they left.

And they're all laughing

And asking me about you

But there was one thing missing (missing, missing)

And that was the moment I knew

she was crying behind the door that led to all of the guests at her parents’ house. a strangled sob forced its way out, as she held the back of the chair, trying to control herself before she approached the guests. but her thoughts running through her head made it harder and harder to compose herself and had her breakdown even more. her head was heavy and her eyes were droopy as she cried, her weight against the wall with one of her hands still clutching the back of the chair as the other one was covering her mouth. she didn’t want to be seen as broken and vulnerable to her extended family and she wanted to stop crying. but it was just so hard.

the door opened, her cousin’s face being the first to be seen until the door was opened wider and the rest of the family was there, staring at the crying y/n who was absolutely mortified to be found in such a vulnerable position. the pity from their faces was clear, they all knew the cause of her pain. and that she would never learn quick enough about when to stop before she was ruined.

What do you say, when tears are streaming down your face

In front of everyone you know?

y/n calmed herself down within a few minutes, wiping away the smudged makeup and telling herself to be brave and be strong. she slowly opened the bathroom door, walking down the hall slowly. she was scared that they would judge her. and that was when his voice appeared in her head and a memory overtook her thoughts.

And what do you do when the one who means the most to you

Is the one who didn't show?

“what if they hate me?” she asked, right before meeting his family. it was an official meeting, at their new years eve party, and this was the next step they decided on.

“then we elope when we want to get married.” he joked and her hand squeezed his tightly, making him wince. “calm down, sweetheart. they’ll love you. or at least like you. i dunno about my cousin though, he’s a tricky one to impress. but then again, your knowledge of completely random and irrelevant things will come in handy when trying to impress him. in fact, you will probably be his favorite one.”

a reassuring smile towards her made her heart soar above the clouds. then when he turned back to the road, she started to overthink again and tried to analyze everything that would happen.

“but i don’t want them to just like me. i want them to love me. is that too much to ask? yeah probably. after all, i’m not the smartest, nor prettiest, nor nicest person anyone will ever meet. not to mention i’m a bit clumsy when i get nervous. what if i spill red wine on your mom’s favorite couch or your dad’s dress shirt? or even the rug? or something white?! there are about a million things that could go wrong at this party alone!” she rambled on about the possibilities, not realizing he was grinning ear-to-ear about her nervousness. he pulled into the driveway of his childhood home and turned towards her, intertwining their hands.

“it doesn’t matter if they like you or not. because nothing they will say will make me upset and leave you. i love you too much for that. maybe to them you aren’t the smartest, nor prettiest, nor nicest, but you are you and that’s better than anything else… okay that didn’t really make sense, but what i’m trying to say is that being yourself is perfectly fine. you aren’t perfect but you’re you and it’s a good thing too. because i would not want to date steve jobs. if you’re this nervous about a party, which is your actual element, then repeat after me. i am brave.” he nodded for her to repeat.

“i am brave.” she said timidly.

“i am strong.”

“i am strong.”

“i am smart.”

“i am smart.” at this point, a smile broke out on her face. 

“i am beautiful.”

“i am beautiful.”

“i am okay and i will stop overthinking so i can live in the moment.”

this made both of them let out a small laugh, smiles wide across both of their faces. “i am okay and-”

You should've been here

And I would've been so happy

And it was like slow motion

“and i will stop overthinking so i can live in the moment.” y/n muttered under her breath as she turned the corner. the only light being the candles on her birthday cake that was on the counter. a wide, genuine smile was on her face at the sight of the cake. then they started to all sing to her, not the best, nor the prettiest, nor award winning, but it was brilliant. because it showed that they cared.

“make a wish, y/n.” someone called once they finished. closing her eyes, she thought of the one thing she wanted out of anything and she blew out the candles. a loud cheer erupted from everyone. someone started to cut the cake into pieces as the others gathered around her and gave her birthday wishes and hugs.

Standing there in my party dress

In red lipstick

With no one to impress

And they're all standing around me singing

"Happy birthday to you" 

“we need to talk.”

But there was one thing missing 

“please, just listen to me!”

And that was the moment I knew

“it really hurts and i want it to stop. so please make it stop.”

Ooh, I knew

“i’m so sorry. i never wanted to hurt you so i will stop…”

“please don’t leave me!”

Ooh

once everyone had cake and ice cream, they slowly left y/n’s house one by one. it was finally a peaceful night, being alone. she changed out of her party dress, slipping into her pjs and wiping away any remaining makeup from her face. after making a bag of popcorn and slipping under her covers, she decided to look at her phone. finally, after ignoring it for half of the night. 

a scoff came out of her mouth when she read the text message on her screen from him.

i’m sorry, i didn’t make it. he had sent it just 20 minutes ago

y/n thought about sending him a large paragraph saying how he manages to break her heart at the smallest things and how he never shows up. but she was done caring for the day. she was done worrying an wasting all of her thoughts about him and getting anxious when he never replied. her feelings would probably change in the morning and she would send the paragraph about her feelings, but right in the moment she wasn’t going to open up to him. she’s done it too much before, so in the moment currently, she sent 3 words instead. i’m sorry too

You called me later

And said, "I'm sorry, I didn't make it"

And I said, "I'm sorry too"

And that was the moment I knew

[throughtaylor]

haylor one shot bc i love haylor more than anything in my life

(back in 2012)

I could not stop laughing as we prepared for the presentation that we had in less than 10 minutes, it was our best way to clear ourselves, despite the fact that I was always nervous to go on stage, the band did everything better for all of us. I had the typical slight panic, perhaps because I thought that my voice could go away in the middle of the show or that I would fall from tripping over my own feet, that my right foot bent with the small heel of my shoes. Many things could happen, but all the tension disappeared as soon I sang the second song, in this case: Red.

Taylor! Two minutes." They screamed in the corner of the room, noticing how Caitlin put the gadgets on her ears.

"Very clever." I mused excitedly, making a group hug with my band.

I started up the stairs to get out, breathing a few times and practicing rough movements with the microphone, sighing and getting into my starting position until the platform went up and I could get out once and for all.

"And with her new album, RED, which I'm sure everyone knows is a success, ladies and gentlemen, Taylor Swift!" I heard how the presenter's voice screamed throughout the stadium.

The platform went up slowly and I noticed how the lights were off, the screams shook my heart, making me smile slightly as I adjusted my hat. I laid my body straight, listening to the State of Grace melody spreading across all the walls and seats, making the people who absolutely flooded the entire arena scream more. I smiled without being seen, raising the microphone to start singing. Nerves? Unknown word in my dictionary.

-

-

-

"I'm never going to stop love singing Love Story." I giggled, dropping onto the couch as I drank from my water bottle.

"I like the rhythm of We are never ever getting back together... well, maybe because I like to see how fans dance and raise their hands with each We-e-e." My mother dared to tell me, giving a little laugh as soon as I nodded, completely agreeing with her.

Tonight's show at the music festival had been sensational. Nerves disappeared even with the first song and the audience could not be left behind, everything had turned inside me and I was again the same Taylor who loves to be on stage.

I momentarily distracted myself with my phone, reading the comments about the show, smiling and giving some likes on instagram along with a photograph of my red loafers, without any special caption. I checked my social media a little more, going to change to put on one of my black dresses hanging on the rack, sighing as soon as my hair settled into a ponytail, combing my bangs a few times and applying the red lipstick that was on my handbag. I was tired, but excited.

The beige leather wallet landed on my forearm, walking out of my dressing room, saying goodbye to my family and friends, thanking them again for the great show we took care of tonight.

I made my way to one of the white doors in the pale hallway, daring to pull out my phone to send a message. However, a large hand prevented that from happening, immediately catching my attention.

I smiled at once as soon as I could see the sparkle in his green eyes and his cute curls, throwing myself immediately into his arms.

"Harry." I greeted his neck, feeling his tighten more tightly on into his body.

"Great show, babe" He congratulated, pulling me away a little and keeping his hand on my waist.

"Thanks, I thought you would show up today too." I commented doubtful and a little nervous about his presence. My heart turned when I heard him laugh, seeing the innocent smile stay in line with his smile.

"I think it will be our turn next week, I am not so sure." He almost joked, making me laugh. It was then that I noticed that he was also nervous.

"And... so?" I almost laughed, thanking the heels of my loafers for a better look.

"Let's go." A warm kiss fell on my cheek, heading us towards the back of the stadium to get out.

There were only a couple of security guards and the cleaning ladies, the night in New York was cold, with no winter yet. Luckily, there was no paparazzi or at least that's what I wanted to believe. Harry kindly opened the door of his truck for me and I gladly entered it, closing the door in step.

Harry and I had been dating for a couple of months. We became friends in Los Angeles and from there we decided to have a more pleasant contact with friends, but the things began to appear differently. Until now, we had not shown ourselves together as a couple, we both knew how difficult it would be for him and me, in some way, the comments were sometimes too cruel and the relationship we had, until now, was very calm... a lot, to want to expose ourselves. Harry is a sweet, attentive and very gentlemanly man, he is always looking after me in a good way, asking me every day how I am and wishing me good luck in the shows I have had to present. It has been a sensational support and I silently told him how lucky I was to have him by my side.

"And how are you, babe?" He asked while he started driving into the streets of New York, taking my hand with a cute smile.

“I’m great. I’m very excited for the upcoming shows we have. We have already started with the Red Tour rehearsals. ” I announced happy. He looked at me happily, smiling broadly at me.

"That sounds great, I look forward to free tickets to every concert!" He joked.

"Of course." I chuckled, looking at his profile. "And how are you, love?"

"Very well, we have also had some rehearsals outside of New York, I think we will have to travel to London soon to see the stadium of the tour." He commented.

"Niall was talking to me about that." I replied thoughtfully, remembering my messages exchanged with the blonde who made me laugh more than five times for just one message.

“Talking to Niall, huh? He even tells you the good news before me.” He pretended to take offense, glaring at me under his eyelashes.

"Never!" I reproached, laughing in my seat.

I couldn't explain it but there was such a great chemistry and connection between us that… I even managed to feel it. I really like him. I don’t care about the way of life that we both led, despite a little fear that it would be a problem later, but I know that it was not going to be a pebble on our way; It was what stopped me the most to think.

"Taylor?" I heard his voice next to me. I turned right away, tilting my head to continue talking. He smiled. "We're here, I think I told you twice."

I blushed, brushing the bangs away from my eyes a little while muttering an apology, taking the black bag in my hands to hang it on my shoulder.

"You look absolutely gorgeous when you blush." I heard him say.

I got out of the car with a smile, watching the porch of his house cautiously, waiting for him to get out as well and we could continue on our way. I felt the explosion of feelings run through me as his hand reached for mine quickly, intertwining our fingers. I still wasn't used to it, I didn't deny it either, but I loved that kind of gesture. I mentally measured his hand with mine, as it was quite wide and the palm of his hand took almost all my long fingers. I laughed in my head, letting out a smile at the thought.

I waited for him to open the door, greeting me with a gesture in the space of his home, looking around with great caution. Harry was a very simple person, not conceited or money-loving, even though he knew he was someone who received a lot, since he was also in the position of young people rather than millionaires in magazines. But his house did not say that. The walls were simple and the decorations too, but it was quite spacious, reminding me of a house in Rhode Island.

"Do you want something to drink, babe, hm?" He brushed his index finger across my left arm, circling my waist from behind, hugging me. I smiled at the gesture, squeezing my hands in his, letting myself be inundated by his usual scent and the unmistakable tickle of his curls on my cheek.

"Right now I'm fine..." I whispered, concentrating on the way he danced with me without some kind of music, humming slowly in my ear, as if he were thinking of other things, concerning me.

"You know, today is our third month together, darling.” He said, lighting up a click in my head.

I blushed, not knowing it, because I had let the small detail pass, being more than sure that it was tomorrow. Without thinking twice, I turned to him, watching the playful smile on his mouth. He knew that I didn’t remember.

"You confused me!" I exclaimed in reproach, hitting him lightly on the chest in the form of a game, accepting the laughing hug he offered me.

"You had to see your face." He commented, laughing.

Smiling and happy, my lips approached into his lips, enveloping us in a colorful and loving kiss. I felt my heart race as soon as I felt the small smile in the middle of the kiss, ending up giving me small, splashed kisses on the top of my lips, hugging me around the waist as I approached him. My blue eyes were lost in his green orbs, brushing our noses as our lips shared breath and space. It made me jump inside. I loved him intensely.

"You should have this." He broke into silence. Curious, I waited for him to continue.

It was then that the paper airplane necklace that he never took off slipped, suddenly hanging it around my neck, and it stayed down, contrasting with the color of my dress. I admired him for a few seconds, raising my head to meet his big eyes and shy smile, waiting for me to say something.

"We can become two paper airplanes." I whispered to him, feeling his hands once again rest on my waist. "Thank you my love. I love it. And I love it more that it's yours, that you want to leave it for me. ” I thanked him in sincere words, kissing him one last time.

"Two paper airplanes that fly, together." Harry completed my sentence.

"I love you." I confessed.

"I love you so much, babe" He says.

My favorite moment became the instant he pushed all the furniture aside, giving us space to take off our shoes, taking our bodies and dancing, with light songs playing from the kitchen. Our lips joined in loving kisses, our noses brushed and I closed my eyes, entering his soul and wanting to know what he felt, although just being like this, here, with me, he told me more than a thousand words.

[theswiftarmy]

#20 – Rumor Has It

Sara Swift sat in a front row audience seat watching Taylor perform her final dress rehearsal of the medley to be broadcast on live TV that evening.  She nudged the silver masters case a little closer.  The moment the rehearsal was over she would take the masters case containing that inaudibly enchanting enigmatic sound to the sound team so they could mix the egg track into the performance of the final song in the medley—Lover.  A uniquely identified cartridge within the case would be removed and placed in a special reader device.  One of Taylor’s appointed audio engineer Swifite specialists by the name of Jack Antonoff was currently retrieving a reader device from one of the few very secret studios around the world that contained equipment able to interface with Egg masters tracks.  There were studios around the world including two such studios in NYC, one in Nashville, and a studio in Los Angeles where from Jack Antonoff was currently on his way back.  The Egg studios were a well-kept secret in the recording industry and knowledge of their whereabouts highly classified information.  Egg studios required a high level of recording industry clearance that very few individuals had.  Jack Antonoff was one of the few with the highest level of clearances possible—Jack was a bit like a tailor-made chess piece that you could move in any direction as many times as you wanted and with no limitations.  Jack could basically do whatever he wanted when it came to recording studios and audio engineering.  Taylor kept Jack close at hand, he was her ace of spades.

Sara sat with the masters case guarding it, eager to hand it off to Jack Antonoff and the Swiftie sound team that would be running sound during the live performance. She watched the rest of the dress rehearsal.  Taylor had once again given Sara her phone to hold on to, and she kept it close, only, this time she resisted the urge to tap curiously through its digital contents—not that she didn’t want to look again—mostly because Taylor would probably catch her doing it since she was looking directly down at Sara from the stage.

About half way through Taylor’s dress rehearsal performance two Youngie Swiftie scouts entered from a door near the back of the auditorium.  They had special instructions to see Sara Swift—sent directly from Taylor’s top tier team member in charge of the Swiftie social media Taylurkers.  An undercover Swiftie security guard walked with them from the door as they traversed the aisles making their way to the front of the stage.   They approached Sara with their information.

           Sara turned her attention from the stage and talked to the tween-ish age Swifties for a minute while Taylor continued to perform flawlessly, as per usual, on the stage in front of them.  Sara gestured to two nearby empty seats telling them to have a seat and wait until they could speak with Taylor.  They sat Swiftie-eyed watching the rest of the performance.  When Taylor finished Sara got up and rushed towards Jeffery.

           “Jeff, can I talk to Taylor for a minute?  I need to talk to her.”  She said to him in a very serious lawyer-y voice, pointing over at Taylor, still on the main stage.

Jeff hesitated for a moment, but given that Taylor’s performance was perfect, he had no reason to object.  “Ms. Swift your lawyer, Miss Swift, needs a word with you!”  He yelled.

Taylor walked off the stage and over to Sara, “Yeah?  Sara, this couldn’t wait?”

“No.”  She pointed over at the two Youngies sitting nearby, one of them sitting in Taylor’s seat.

“YOUNGIES!  Awwwwww… I love my Youngies!  I mean, I love all my Swifties, obviously!  But Youngies hold a special place in my heart.”

Youngies were any Swiftie born after Taylor played that very first time at the Bluebird Café in Nashville, Tennessee.  These two were eldest youngies, probably born only days after Taylor’s first single was released.

Taylor turned her attention back to Sara, “Well, what is it?”

“I just received word,” she pointed towards the Youngie Swifties, “That Kanye West might try to show up and interrupt your speech tonight.”

Taylor made a dramatic mimicking motion as if she were about to throw up then walked with Sara stepping down off from the risers beside the stage over to the two Swifties.

She knelt down in front of the two Youngie Swifties and smiled at both of them.

“Hi there!”

“Hi Taylor!”  They said back in their early teen voices.  “That was an awesome performance!”

“Well thank you!  Speaking of my performance, I heard you found something out about my performance later tonight.  Is that right?”

The Swifties nodded their heads yes.

“Hmmmm… And who told you this?”  She asked the Scouts.

“We have this cool older friend—an Arianator friend.  She’s trying to become an influencer so she’s always posting videos about famous people she meets, she mostly posts about Ariana Grande, anyway, like, we saw it posted on her Snapchat, and then later also on her Instagram and then also on her YouTube channel.  She recorded a video and posted it everywhere.  But then she mysteriously made it private right after posting it, which is something she, like, never does.  But we’re still friends with her—She must have forgotten that, anyway, so we can still see it, even though it’s private.”

“Oh?  Can you show me the video?”  Taylor asked.

“Yeah!  Here!”  One of them took out a phone and clicked away, navigating to the short one-minute video that had been posted.

The teen Arianator had secretly posted the selfie video when she asked to use the bathroom at Oak Felder’s Spaceship studio as tagged in the location.

The video began to play.

‘Oh my god!  So I was just in the world’s largest shoe closet, it’s amazing, more on that later in a future video on my YouTube channel, I took some craaaaazy photos you’ll never believe.  Anyway, I’m about to go on a helicopter to Kanye West’s house because we have to, like, go pick him up or something because he has to like interrupt Taylor Swift’s speech at the AMAs, I don’t know, ermygod like whatever booooring Znooooze lolz who cares about all that…  BUT YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS!!! I GET TO MEET KIM KARDASHIAN!  O to the M to the G!!!!  I’m SOOOO excited to meet KIM KARDASHIAN!  I’m LITTERALLY FREAKIN’ OUT here PEOPLE!!!!  OMG, does my eyeliner look okay?  OMG, there’s like lint in my hair, how long as that been there?  Ewww, gross.  Okay, I’ll post a selfie as soon as I can with Kim!  Byeeeeeeee LOVEEEEEEEEEEE!  LIKE SHARE SUB!  ARIANA GRANDE 4 LIFE!’

The video ended.

Taylor made a serious face as she spoke to the Youngies.  “Thank you for showing me that.  You two did the right thing to bring that to my attention.  Do you know if she said anything else?”

“Ummm… There was another post that she deleted, I think it mentioned something about feeling like she was in a spy movie because an insider from the AMAs was going to help Kanye and she went on a rant about how the only sidekick Kanye needs is Kim, but she never said the insider’s name.  She just kept saying ‘Kim this’ and ‘Kim that’ and going on and on about Kimye.  She’s Kardashisessed.”

           “Oh?  And what is Kardashisessed?”  Taylor asked.

           “Obsessed with all things Kardashian.  She’s always been like that though. Since the first day we met her.”

           The two Youngies exchanged a look and rolled their eyes.

“Well, you two have been very helpful Swifties!”  Taylor paused and smiled at them, then made a face as though she were thinking very hard.  “Gee, how can I reward you for this, Oh, I know!”  Taylor’s eyes twinkled and she beamed a smile at the two Youngie Swiftie Scouts, “How would both of you like to come on stage with me tonight?”

“Really?”  They squealed with glee.

“Sure.”  She said pointing over at the other kids that had just rehearsed with Taylor during the opening song of her medley.

“Oh my god!  Taylor, you’re our favorite!”

“AWWWWW.”  She made a heart symbol with her thumbs and pointer fingers and they made the same symbol back at her.

           “We’ll just have to make sure it’s okay with your parents, but as long as they consent to it—”

The two Youngie Swifties parents standing nearby listening to the entire conversation agreed immediately.

“This is the best moment of my whole life!  We love you Taylor!”  They jumped up and hugged her.

She laughed and then sent them over to learn the dance moves.  

She turned back to her attorney.  “Let him!  Hah!  See how far he gets.  He’s not on the invite list anyway.”  She said to Sara.

“Okay, we’ll just ratchet up security, make sure everyone knows to keep a look out for Kanye.”

“I think that works.  It will be fine, Sara.”  Taylor said waving to the two Youngies making friends with the other Swiftie Youngies.

“What do you think about the second part, the insider?”  Sara asked.

Taylor thought for a minute.  “I don’t think we should say anything to anyone.”

Selena Gomez, just having sat back in her seat, glanced over—She was just on the edge of being within earshot of the conversation.

Sara and Taylor lowered their voices, “Let’s just see what people are talking about, keep a close ear to as many people as you can and see if someone says anything that might give us a clue.  And then we’ll approach them, personally.  Have a little chat with them.”

Jeff suddenly yelled from the stage, “Where’s Billie?  Does anyone know where Billie is?  BILLLIE EILISH!  WHERE IS BILLIE EILISH???”

“I think she went to go make a phone call or Face time her brother, Finneas, or something, I think that’s what she said.”  Selena said from her seat.

“Well we need her on stage!  I want to run her number just one more time to get the fire part right.  Can someone go find her please!?”

“I’ll go find her!”

“Thank you!  But hurry back, Halsey, because I have some notes for you!”  Jeff yelled after Halsey as she walked off in search of Billie.  Halsey could be heard saying something about what Jeff could do with the notes he had for her, it sounded unpleasant—Halsey doesn’t take notes.

Sara wandered around casually listening to conversations here and there.  She felt like a hunter looking for prey.  It was the complete opposite of her youth, middle school and high school especially.  She was quiet growing up, mostly kept to herself and read books.  Middle school was more of the same, although, her first crush—who had no idea she was her first crush and still has no idea to this day—made it a little less lonely.  High school was awful because her crush moved away, they kept in touch but it wasn’t the same, eventually they stopped talking.  She exceled in every class but found that being the smartest one around made things even more lonely as everyone kind of thought of her as just a nerdy brainiac that only cared about homework all the time.

Then came the boys and all kinds of rumors after she rejected every advance from each and every one of them.  Yes, those “Rumors”.  Beauty and booksmarts, and she wasn’t one of those stereotypical booksmart perfect grades wimpy kids, she was athletic too; women’s lacrosse, softball, swimming, ran track, and every other sport she was allowed to participate in.  There was no shortage of boys interested in her.  I mean, she knew, she knew from the moment she had her first crush. Her parents probably knew but she wasn’t going to tell them at the time, although she finally did in college; it didn’t go over very well.  Sara’s dad and her were still able to maintain some kind of father daughter relationship for the most part centered on their chess matches.  Sara was a chess aficionado thanks to all those early lessons from her dad, who was also an aficionado.  Her father had originally wanted her to become a professional chess champion, world’s number one—He was happy with her becoming an attorney.  But he was going to be happy with whatever she decided because she was going to do what she wanted, not what hewanted.

The worst happened when she was cornered on her way to sit by herself at lunch one day and then asked to one of the biggest dances of the year by the guy all the girls swooned over.  It was right after being the only one to ace a test in her AP Calculus class.  Of course she turned him down and he didn’t take her rejection of him very well.  The very next day a group of girls decided to tell everyone she was sleeping with the calc teacher and that was why she received the only perfect score on several tests in addition to the most recent one.  She was brought into the principal’s office and questioned by an investigating police officer who made her sit there in front of the teacher as well as others of the administration and place in writing that the rumor was false.  It was one of the most humiliating and embarrassing experiences of her life.  Then there was the walk of shame back to class after, every eye on her was still completely convinced she was just keeping what happened a secret—That’s when it all started, the cutting, anorexia, anxiety, panic attacks, body dysmorphic disorder and so many hours spent in therapy trying to fix it, fix her.  She was seemingly hunted the rest of high school, less than observant guys would continue to hit on her as she only became even more beautiful nearly by the day, and the other girls came up with new and creative ways to torment her.  Graduation couldn’t come soon enough.

And look at her now, accomplished, an attorney to some of the biggest names in showbiz!

Sara had movie star looks, and she probably could have been a movie star if she wanted to, but she was just more interested in the world of law.  In college Sara reconnected with her middle school crush, as pen pals.  They started talking again freshman year of college and she found that her crush was studying pre law, so she decided to take a law class as an elective and join a debate team.  That lasted for a semester until, of course, then she found out her crush had met someone, and it became all her crush talked about—this boy.  She felt the same dread and sadness, the emptiness returning from her high school days.  Someone she had put so much into turned out to be, pointless.  It’s just, she didn’t want to talk about him, she wanted to talk about, the usual things going on in the life of her crush.  But, it became obvious that what was going on in her life was… him.  Someone she had built up in her head, and mistakenly put on a pedestal, turned out to cause her nothing but jealousy and then pain and anger when it all came crashing down—when ALL her crush talked about was this stupid boy and how much she was in love with him.  That’s when Sara started working out more than she usually did, running, swimming, going to the gym daily.  Sara made her fitness schedule, in addition to her athletic commitments and various clubs AND studies her excuse as to why she couldn’t talk to her old crush anymore.  She just kept saying she was busy all the time.  Eventually the long lost middle school crush returned once again to being long lost.  Her interest in law and debating stuck and she soon found herself helping any friend who had a legal or law related problem.  Funny how something from your past, even if lost and gone, can be a bridge to something in your future.  It was soon after that she found that she felt fixed by fixing things for others.  As long as she was fighting a war, she didn’t have to fight her own personal battles.  

She looked over at Taylor.  Taylor was her favorite war so far.  Fighting for Taylor kept her battles buried the deepest they have ever been.  And she wanted them to stay buried for as long as possible.  Which meant, this war needed to continue as long as possible.  Sara also just, well, she liked being around Taylor, it reminded her of being around her middle school crush early on, back when they would work on school projects together, she loved that, she loved this, and just being around her was enough.

Really, Sara’s war wouldn’t end until the patriarch ended, until toxic masculinity had been blasted in its entirety from every inch of the entertainment industry.  Even after Taylor’s war was won, she would continue fighting until it was done.  But for now, Taylor’s fight was enough.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Choose me, pt. 3 (G.D.)

Summary: Ethan and Y/N manage to keep their friendship alive as two more months pass by. Y/N hasn’t seen Grayson at all, but will things change when Ethan invites her to a party at their house?

Warning: swearing, angst

Word count: 1470

Choose Me - Masterlist

„You almost got me killed!“ I yell.

„Almost isn't the same as did. You're still alive!“ Ethan exclaimed.

„Only because I'm more skilled than you!“ I remark with a smirk.

„Ouch, that hurt, like, deep down.“ Ethan whines and I stifle a giggle.

„Getting hurt can sometimes be good for your health. You know I just want you to be healthy.“ I tease.

„Always thinking about what's best for me!“ Ethan continues. If I could see him right now, he'd probably be sitting in nothing but his underwear, his face focused on the task before him, his tongue protruding a little. Unfortunately, I couldn't. We meet up three times a week, play Fortnite every day too. It's sort of a way for us to continue our friendship without his brother in it. There was a bunch of loud voices on the other line and Ethan was really quiet.

„You okay?“ I ask, covering his ass, so he doesn't get killed.

„They're fighting.“ Ethan says and I bite my lip.

„Don't.“ I warn him and he sighs.

„Just thought you might want to know it's a daily occurrence.“ Ethan says quickly and I groan.

„I don't want to know. Remember rule number one? We both have it tattooed on us!“ I remind him, rubbing the new tattoo over my waistband.

„Right.“ Ethan sighs again and I roll my eyes.

„I mean it. I don't want to know.“ I repeat.

It's been around two months since I've last seen or spoken to Grayson. I deleted all my social media to make sure I didn't see the two of them. Why go to such extremes as delete everything? Because every page I like is somehow connected to the guys and the content will keep coming at me, chipping away pieces of my soul and I refused to let it get to me.

Life was good for me. I got out more, did some new things. Ethan and I were tighter than ever, the tattoo serves as proof. It was my first tattoo and I was scared as hell, but Ethan held my hand through it all. I was really grateful to have a friend as caring as he was. Sure, it wasn't the same type of friendship like I had with Grayson, but he gave me comfort I needed.

„Okay. Got it.“ He replied.

„Wanna come over this Friday? I'm having a little party“ Ethan asked and I paused the game immediately.

„Are you nuts?!“ I screamed at him and a loud thud, followed by a groan came from his side of the line.

„I think my ears might be bleeding!“ Ethan exclaimed and I snorted.

„Serves you right! You know I'm not coming near your house ever again. Why bother asking?“ I reminded him of a little rant I already made him listen. I never once went there, just in case. I wasn't up for seeing Grayson, it was that simple.

„He won't be there till late. I already checked.“ Ethan reassured, but I didn't like the sound of it.

„I don't want to, E. Also, I kinda have plans with a friend that night.“ I rub my temples to soothe an oncoming headache.

„Bring the friend. I assure you, there will be no G. or the little B.B.“ Ethan chuckled at his own little insult. I'm not proud of it, but I laughed too. Ethan gave her a nickname Bitchy Barbie and refuses to call her by her actual name.

„Promise me.“

„I do.“ He says and I release a shaky sigh. I wasn't sure if I was ready to see the house either, but I really missed it. It's funny, right? Missing four walls and a roof that aren't even yours...the thing is, that house held so many memories and it was like a proof that things between Gray and I were once real.

„I'll come. Only for a little.“ I make it clear, but it doesn't stop his cheering.

By Friday, I already had an outfit prepared. I decided on a mid thigh lacy, skin-tight dress with a pair of heels. I knew this party will be filled with social media stars, so I needed to be fashionable and girly. That wasn't the only reason tho'.

I texted my friend their address and drove to the house. I stopped at their doorstep and inhaled a deep breath. I could hear the music playing, people talking and it made me nervous. I knew he wasn't in there, but I needed my heart to stop beating so loudly and for my brain to quiet down. I was about to knock when Ethan opened the door. In seconds, I was pulled in a big hug.

„You really came“, Ethan spoke, his voice muffled by my hair.

„Told ya I would.“ I giggle.

„Come on!“ Ethan grabs my hand pulling me inside. The music was blaring a Taylor Swift song and I cocked my eyebrow at the music choice.

„You seem taller and woah“ Ethan turned and stopped moving once he saw my outfit choice. His eyes traveled down my body and I felt a little insecure and almost naked before his gaze.

„You dressed up!“ He exclaimed, his eyes still a little wide from the surprise.

„Yes?“ I state, but it sounded more like a question.

„My friend is coming soon, so I'll be somewhere by the door. Get me a drink, please?“ I asked, shouting over the music. Ethan seemed to still be in a haze, but he nodded slowly and walked to the bar. He turned a few times to look at me, like he was making sure this wasn't a hallucination.

„Hey.“ A familiar voice whispered in my ear as an arm wrapped around my waist. I was pulled against his chest and without a second thought I leaned in. Closing my eyes with a smile on my face, we swayed gently to the song.

„Who's he?“ Ethan asked and I opened my eyes.

„This is the friend I was talking about.“ I say and grab his hand, pulling him forward.

„You didn't mention your friend was tall, handsome and had a penis!“ Ethan exclaimed and I covered my face with my hands from embarrassment.

„Harry, please get me a drink..“ I asked nicely, batting my eyelashes.

„Sure.“ Harry pecked my cheek and left.

„Behave.“ I order, pointing my finger at Ethan.

„I knew something was up. You're on a date!“ Ethan whisper shouted, pulling me into a hallway.

„He's a friend!“ I defend.

„You don't dress up like THAT“, he motioned to my entire body,“ for a friend. In fact, I've never seen you in a dress till tonight!“ He pulls at his hair and I laugh at his reaction.

„I prefer comfort over looks. Sue me.“ I remark and he rolls his eyes.

„You never mentioned him before.“ He states and this time I'm the one rolling my eyes.

„He's an old crush from my hometown. I'm just showing him around town.“ I smile coyly and shrug innocently.

„You don't fool me. You two are involved.“ Ethan presses and I smirk.

„You got me!“ I admit raising my hands in mock surrender. Ethan shakes his head, running a hand through his hair.

„If you like him...I won't stand in your way. Just..I don't really trust him.“ He looks to the floor and once again, I'm reminded of how sweet this seemingly rough boy can be.

„Thanks. I should go out, he's probably looking for me.“ I point out, peering over him to see the crowd.

We walked back, and Harry practically ran to meet me.

„I got worried.“ He hugged me and I smiled.

„Sorry. Best friends emergency.“ I say pointing at Ethan.

„Good thing I'm not the jealous type.“ Harry teases, his hand traveling from my neck, down my spine, stopping at the small of my back. He pulls me closer and I find myself pressed up against him, his other hand lifting my chin. I could feel his minty breath, his lips only inches away and I wanted to kiss him. I closed my eyes, leaning into his touch and in a moment the world around us didn't matter anymore. The kiss was gentle and sweet. It didn't set off fireworks or made thunder rumble in my chest, but I enjoyed the feeling of his warm lips on mine.

„Wow.“ He said and I put my hand on his chest. His heart was beating a mile a minute, his breathing fast and heavy.

„Oh, look at what we have here. Little Y/N crawled back to beg for forgiveness?“ I heard that shrill voice and I froze. What was she doing here? Ethan said Grayson wasn't here! Why was she?

I turned and gave a sweet smile that soon faded away once I saw Grayson standing behind her.

[justherefortaylorswift]

there’s glitter on the floor after the party...

Taylor,

*About 9 days ago, on May 22nd, 2018, I had just arrived home from your Seattle show at CenturyLink Field. It was 4am and I couldn’t sleep. I had so much on my mind and was still on a high from your show. So, in the early hours of the morning, after my friends had long gone to bed, I began to write. I’ve revised my original note quite a bit since then. I’ve also had the opportunity to do some additional reflecting since tour, and I have some thoughts. So, I guess this is the end-result of a mash-up of 4AM overly-emotional rambling, combined with well thought-out, fully coherent, mature writing. I feel like I really over-explained this. I could have been a lot less-awkward in setting this up. Let's just get into it:

[SO. I just got home from your Seattle show. It's 4 am and I can't sleep. This was my 6th tour, and I made what seems like an infinite amount of unforgettable memories with a group of incredible people I call my ‘Swiftie Fam” (the name needs work...). There's Cecil (my long-time, Canadian Swiftie friend, you’ll see him in earlier posts), Wanda (Cecil’s wife), Kaeden (7. Cecil & Wanda’s son. Major Swiftie. His first concert!), and finally the beautiful Maile (a recent addition to the fam, and now a life-long friend!).  It’s hard to explain in words, but we all have developed a connection that’s special and unique because of what we experienced together. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to stand by my side tonight. We danced, laughed, and cried together… I don’t think I’ve ever felt more understood. These people ‘get’ me.

Not surprisingly, I screamed every single lyric at the top of my lungs and subsequently lost my voice almost IMMEDATIELY. With that in mind, I suppose a more accurate description would be: I wasn’t so much singing, as I was gasping for the remainder of the show. I literally danced with until I was out of breath. I cried (ok, SOBBED) all of my make-up off (a Long Live/NYD mash-up… are you kidding me?! I FEEL ATTACKED). 

By the end of the night, I resembled a pathetic, overly-emotional, glittery, drowned rat.

and I was living my absolute best life.

Also, I was REALLY proud of our outfits this time around! I think we did a decent job of recreating your Direct TV commercial, with my rainbow two-piece, and Cecil’s interpretation of Olivia Benson dressed as a Caticorn (I can’t say I ever thought I’d use that in a sentence). It consisted of around 8-10 hours total of gluing, painting, and hand-sewing, leading up to the show. Everything turned out awesome, way better than expected. Totally worth the man hours! Wanda hand-made matching these adorable matching t-shirts for her and little Kaden (Big Rep & Little Rep), and Maile constructed a beautiful MASTERPIECE from the mountain LYWMMD outfit- it was freakin’ incredible and HOT!

There was something a bit different about this tour for a couple of reasons:

[The production.] I don’t think I’ve experienced such sensory-overload in my LIFE. The whole time it was like a constant stream of frantic, internal dialogue with a lot of run-on sentences, like, “WHAT IS HAPPENING SHE’S GIVING US CHOREO OMG YAAASSS WERK HONEY IF A MAN TALKS SHIT WE DON'T OWE HIM A DAMN THING OH MY GOD ITS RAINING CONFETTI I MUST COLLECT IT I HOPE THESE MULTI-COLORED FLASHING LIGHTS DON’T GIVE ME AN EPILEPTIC ATTACK WHERE THE F-CK DID THESE GIGANTIC SNAKES COME FROM THERE ARE LITERALLY STAGES EVERYWHERE I’M OVERWHELMED OH SHIT SHES PULLING A SPEAK NOW BY WALKING THROUGH THE CROWD WHAT'S GOING ON OH GOD F-CKING FIREWORKS THESE VOCALS ARE LIT THO I'M SWEATING I’M DEFINITELY GONNA NEED THERAPY AFTER THIS NEW YEARS DAY/LONG LIVE MASH UP IS THAT A FOUNTAIN WHATS HAPPENING OH GOD IT’S REAL WATER AND SHE’S IN THE FOUNTAIN I’M HAVING A 2008 SHOULD’VE SAID NO ACM AWARDS FLASHBACK MOMENT HOLY SH-T MORE F-CKING FIREWORKS SO MUCH PYRO IS THIS EVEN LEGAL” I’ve gotta say, you have BEST band (Paul, Amos and Mike..OGS), vocalists (Eliott and Kamilah…the TALENT), and all the dancers. Every single person on that stage was on FIRE, and their talent, passion, and individual personalities made the night sparkle.

[The fans.] I freaking adore this fan culture. I’ve never met a Swiftie who wasn’t ridiculously friendly, welcoming, and super relatable. The vibe was so positive. I’ve never smiled, waved and taken pictures with so many random strangers in my life. It felt as if we were literally in a different world that day. It felt like home.

[YOU!.]  We need to talk about this major GLO UP you’ve got going on, honey. You exude SO much confidence and you're just pure sunshine. When I think about the way you’ve carried yourself these past couple of years through all of the BS drama, I can’t help but feel damn proud. You’ve successfully converted pain into art, into music. Real music, that’s poignant, raw, and just BAD ASS. Your lyrics continue to foster a special connection you maintain with the audience...a connection that often times breathes life into brokenness.

I felt like the luckiest girl in the entire world tonight. 

This may have been my best concert experience ever, which is actually pretty ironic because:

Unlike Red, I wasn’t in the Pit

I didn’t have VIP seating, like 1989

You weren’t close enough for any potential high fives, waves, or eye contact like I experienced at Speak Now at B-Stage

We were not chosen for Rep Room (or T-Party, Club Red, or Loft 89)

…But, it was OK. It was way more than OK. It was truly a dream.

Listen: Something I've always deeply admired about you is that you make it a priority to maintain a personal relationship with the fans.  It’s clear you want to meet as many of us as possible, and you make a conscious effort to do so. You get to know us as individuals and you CARE, and that means everything us and makes such an impact. I mean, you invite us into your HOME for crying out loud, you walk through massive crowds and give high-fives, you lurk our Instagrams and Tumblrs and interact on social media, and you always make a notable effort to meet as many of us as possible at tour.

However, this can sometimes turn into a bit of a "Catch 22" situation for people. The downside, is that it’s honestly SUPER easy to fall into the “trap” of being consumed with the possibility of meeting you after your shows. Due to the fact that the “selection” process is both intentional, yet also random. To be transparent, it's quite difficult to not obsess with the idea of ‘trying’ to get chosen. I witness this behavior so often, in others and in myself just as much, if not more. Selfishly, I often feel not only jealous, but UPSET when I see photos/read experiences of other fans meeting you. I sometimes feel like the only one who hasn’t yet gotten the opportunity.  It can quickly turn into a mind-game if you're not careful, which has the potential to become toxic if we allow the idea of meeting you to rule supreme over what it's actually about...which is the MUSIC. And, this amazing show you put on for us night after night. And somewhat understandably so, I've witnessed the obsession with being chosen to meet you become a main focus point for a lot of us (including myself a bit!). It's pretty stressful, and can easily dampen or cheapen the concert experience, if you're not careful. As dramatic as this probably sounds, Tumblr (and social media) can be brutal within this fandom, and dare I say ‘cut-throat’ at times. It's easy to get upset watching (what seems like) literally EVERYONE get that opportunity, except you. 

That said, I had a wake-up call/mini-epiphany recently, which manifested while driving home from your show at Midnight on May 22nd with my friends, feeling so amazing and so grateful for what I just experienced…but also a little guilty because I feel like I’ve spent way too much time worrying about the possibility of meeting at you when you come to Seattle, how to get the attention of Taylor Nation, where to find Mama Swift, getting that guitar pick from Papa Swift, and this time was no different. Granted, my intentions are 100% pure and it’s only because you’ve meant so freakin much to me for so many years, and it's almost as if my life won’t be complete until I finally get to tell you in person. That said, there is certainty a valuable lesson to be learned here. I am confident that you and I will come face-to-face one day (hopefully with my Swifie fam!). The stars will align at the exactly the right time, and I will have my moment with you, and it will be SO worth the wait. You can't "force" stuff like this, you know? The privilege of meeting you is almost ‘sacred’ in a sense. At least in my opinion. Anyway, my point is: I refuse to a continue to attempt to “create fate” by attempting to "earn" my worthiness in fandom. It’s not productive, it's not healthy, and it’s not cute.

Alright, this is getting out of hand. I need to wrap this up. 🤣 I’m not sure whether or not you’ve seen any of my throwback photo-posts I posted the week leading up to the show. They definitely explain a lot more about me, and my history being a fan. Either way, I must reiterate how grateful I am to have you in my life, and that support you 100% and will always be here. The amount of hope, joy and comfort you've given me over the past 10+ years is insurmountable, and I'll never be able to repay you for that. And I mean that in the most sincere way. Not a lot of things make me as happy as you make me (especially lately). This experience was the ‘boost’ I needed, I think. And like I said, the relationship I have with my friends/Swiftie Fam is invaluable, and I look forward to making memories with them at your shows in the future. You’ve brought the most random group of people together and created a bond that’s unique, unconditional and unbreakable, and I think that’s so cool.

This was A LOT longer than I originally intended it to be. This escalated quickly. Haha. Thanks for listening. 💗

Don’t read the last page…]

Love you, T

Crystal

@taylorswift

@taylornation

@ceunit

@maileswiftie

[photos]:  1) The whole crew: Cecil, Wanda, Kaeden, Maile and myself at our seats. 2) Kaeden the night before the show. SO EXCITED!! 3) Testing out the Caticorn onesie w/ Cecil 4) Cecil and myself FULLY DECKED and ready to go. 5) Wanda and Kaeden: Big Rep & Lil’ Rep! 6) the girls! Maile, Wanda and Me pre-show 7) Us at the end of the show! And yes, that’s me in the middle..in disbelief, exhausted, sweaty, and a physical and emotional wreck (see also: ‘drowned rat’ description above). 8) All of us after the show literally in a hotel lobby (and glitter on the floor after the party!), waiting for traffic to die down before we headed home.

[jeontaeh]

〚EIGHTEEN〛

Jungkook felt a soft whine leave his lips, fingers clenching around white bedsheets as Taehyung fucked him, cock rooting deep inside his ass.

"A-ah-" Jungkook let out, his hips getting pulled higher up as Taehyung continued fucking in and out of him. Jungkook was on his knees, palms against the bed, ass up in the air, Taehyung behind him. "I-I'm g-gonna cum,-"

Taehyung had a sheen of sweat all over him, letting his hand trail up Jungkook's quivering thigh and travel to his cock. "Cum for me, baby," Taehyung said, tugging on his member. Jungkook let out a whimper, before cumming all over his tummy.

Taehyung smirked, and continued rocking into him, bed shaking slightly from the rigorous movement. Jungkook stayed pliant and steady until Taehyung came in him, and then felt another choked out whine leave his throat at that.

"I really," Taehyung panted, pulling out of him and falling onto the bed. "-wanna fuck you raw."

Jungkook turned around, looking a mess. His hair was all messed up and his cheeks were rosy red, eyes dilated and parts of his body reddened from where Taehyung grabbed him really hard. "That sounds fun but I don't want aids, so no thanks." Jungkook said, and Taehyung whined, falling atop of him, nestling his nose in the crook of his neck.

"Pleaseee-" Taehyung said softly, and Jungkook giggled, wrapping his legs around him, both flopping to their sides on the bed.

"Noooo~" Jungkook replied, and Taehyung wrapped his arms around his waist. "Maybe later.. when you're clean," Jungkook said, and Taehyung looked up at him.

"Okay well winter break is coming up-" Taehyung said, kissing Jungkook on the mouth. "-so I'll go to the doctor-" Taehyung continued, kissing Jungkook again. "-and then maybe I can sow my seed in you-"

"Not if you use THAT metaphor." Jungkook said as he rolled off the bed, grimacing and making a fake puking noise. He stood up, waddling over to the pile of clothes on the floor.

"Oh come on now," Taehyung said, sitting up, letting out a snicker. Jungkook looked around for his clothes, while Taehyung raked his body with his eyes."What're you doing?"

"Putting my clothes on? I'm really sleepy so I wanna go back to my dorm-" Jungkook started, but then Taehyung stood up, walking over to him.

Taehyung grabbed his forearm. "Just stay at mine," Taehyung said, emotionless.

Jungkook hesitated. "A-as in.. sleep in your- your bed-?" Jungkook squeaked, and Taehyung cleared his throat, looking away.

"I mean, you could sleep in the other bed, but it's not as comfortable." Taehyung mumbled, and Jungkook looked at him for a few seconds.

Taehyung turned around, and Jungkook saw his muscles tense up a little. "Dammit, Jungkook- I'm not good at this kind of thing. Just- fucking- stay over tonight and sleep in my fucking bed, stop being a bitch about it," Taehyung snapped, and Jungkook felt his eyes glimmer a little.

Okay, he knows Taehyung has a hard time with emotions and stuff. But even the slightest glimpse into a more vulnerable, open, lovable Taehyung made Jungkook's heart gallop.

"Okay.." Jungkook trailed, picking up a random t-shirt and putting it on (knowing damn well it was Taehyung's). "You're so bossy, sheesh."

Taehyung slapped Jungkook's ass as the boy jumped onto the bed. Taehyung smiled at him, and then took a pair of trackpants and tugged them on, jumping onto the bed himself. Jungkook giggled, looking up at Taehyung, who looked down at him with a small smile.

Jungkook leaned up and kissed him really hard. And in the midst of kissing him realised two things.

1. Fuckbuddies don't just share beds and kiss for no reason.

And as Taehyung kissed him back and wrapped his arms around Jungkook, Jungkook realised the second.

2. Fuckbuddies don't just cuddle.

But Jungkook laid his head on Taehyung's shoulder, and it fit so perfect, and his hands fit like a jigsaw with Taehyung's, and his lips slotted so well with Taehyung's, and Jungkook just wanted. Wanted Taehyung to open his eyes right now, look at Taehyung, and tell him the same.

Instead, Taehyung opened his eyes and looked at Jungkook for a few seconds. Jungkook gulped, looking up at him hesitantly. He felt a hand on his thigh, and then saw Taehyung suck in a sharp breath, and let out a few words.

"Kook," Taehyung said, and Jungkook hummed. Taehyung's gaze was intense, almost killing, lips looking ever so close to kissing Jungkook. "You're- you're my best friend,"

And Jungkook paused. He let that sink into his mind, and then nodded ever so slightly, tucking his head back onto Taehyung's shoulder.

He then realised two things. Two crucial things.

1. This was literally a fucking Taylor Swift song.

2. He didn't say it back.

///

Falling in love would have a few steps to them, as said by Taylor Swift circa 2014;

One night he wakes Strange look on his face Pauses, then says. "You're my best friend." And you knew what it was He is in love.

Thus raises the question- Was Taehyung in Love???

Answer, simple and short, : no.

Okay so next morning (after the beating hearts, gleaming eyes, hesitant hand holding, and much-too-soon spooning) Jungkook woke up, took one good look at Taehyung sleeping soundly, and bolted.

It was a Saturday, a good day, and Jungkook had his fingers bent from how shaky they'd been since the night before. Taehyung held his hand all night, and Jungkook couldn't fucking sleep with that going on.

So here he was, in the library, with the laptop opened in front of him. It was currently 3 pm. He had successfully avoided Taehyung all day. Jungkook just had things to think about..

So Jungkook opened up google, opened up a tab, and then typed in. How do you know if your crush likes you back-

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck- Jungkook deleted that sentence and then took a deep breath. What. Is he doing.

His hopes MUST stay below a certain level. The moment he rises them even an inch above that thin grey line, it means he's gotten his hopes up, and will soon see them tumble down.

"No, no no-" Jungkook mumbled under his breath, and then clenched his fists for a few seconds, and searched it up again.

How to know if your crush likes you back

Jungkook scrolled down the article, muttering dumbass under his breath again and again.

1. Notice physical contact!

This article was already way too enthusiastic, probably getting trafficked by losers who are pining over someone who will never like them back, aka- Jungkook.

Speaking of physical contact, Taehyung is quite touchy. Duh, you're fucking. If he wasn't touchy, that'd be weird.

No but, he's sometimes overly touchy? Like last night.. when he randomly grabbed Jungkook's hand and brushed the pad of his thumb over his fingers ever so softly, and Jungkook couldn't fucking THINK. Even now, just the thought of that small gesture sent Jungkook's heart racing.

2. Figure out their shyness around you!

Taehyung's not shy. Not at all. He's loud, assertive, dominant, lets everyone know what's in his mind, and doesn't hold back. Sometimes it comes off as borderline mean, but Jungkook's come to adore it.

That said- Taehyung's shy around Jungkook. Just sometimes.

Like the other day when Jungkook was doing art, and Taehyung's cheeks got kinda red. When Jungkook asked why, Taehyung scratched the back of his neck, did that thing where he pretends to look disinterested, and then asked if Jungkook could sit on his lap.

And Jungkook hid his blush and did, letting Taehyung wrap his arms around him and watch him paint while holding Jungkook. It was a silent ordeal, but it made Jungkook's heart flutter.

3. Notice if they treat you differently!

Yes! Oh my lord- Jungkook's literally heard the football guys bitching about how Taehyung doesn't say shit to Jungkook. While they all have to run laps, Jungkook sometimes slows down or stops to drink water, and Taehyung doesn't tell him off. Meanwhile Youngjae stops to breathe and Taehyung shouts at him.

Plus, Taehyung's.. nice to Jungkook. He's not nice to anyone else. Not even to the girls he's into. Not to Eka, or any of the other tens of girls he's hooked up with. No, only nice to Jungkook.

Only protective over you.

4. Check their interaction with you on social media!

jeonjungkooks

193 likes, 47 comments jeonjungkooks i look like a bug lol

view comments...

eka11 awww so cute

lalalalisa_m this is so adorable!!

minyoongi damn maybe if i post an ugly pic of myself i'll get comments from girls too

hoseokj @minyoongi you'll never get comments from girls

minyoongi @hoseokj bro fuck u

kth_v aw

kth_v fuck

kth_v that picture of you is so fucking cute

kth_v im making it my lockscreen

jeonjungkooks shutupskdjskdj

Jungkook sighed, looking away from his phone. He's not.. dumb, right? There's only so much he can push aside before coming to terms with the fact that maybe Taehyung does return those feelings?

And maybe, just maybe, Taehyung telling Jungkook he's his best friend wasn't friendzoning? In fact it was something more? Misconstrued conceptions constructed in Taehyung's mind that he's trying to push aside?

"Jungkook?"

Jungkook slammed his laptop screen shut, and turned in an instant, seeing Taehyung standing there, bandana yellow today, clad in a red sweater and sweatpants.

"H-hi." Jungkook said softly, and Taehyung sat down beside Jungkook, looking.. nervous.

"Um- why- why'd you leave this morning?" Taehyung asked, and Jungkook's breath hitched.

"No reason. I just- um- got a text from Jimin.. he didn't know where I was and stuff, so I left. Sorry." Jungkook said quickly, and Taehyung placed his hand on Jungkook's thigh.

"Good." He said, looking at his hand. "Anyways, what were you doing?"

"Nothing. Just working on a- um- english essay." Jungkook said quickly, and Taehyung rolled his eyes, taking his hand off Jungkook and leaning against his chair.

"God, Kookie. Your academic focus is quite endearing." Taehyung said, and Jungkook giggled.

"So is your sporty flare, Mr. Kim." Jungkook said, and Taehyung snickered, looking at Jungkook with an odd look on his face. Almost.. fond.

Taehyung suddenly leaned in, so he was quite close to Jungkook. "You ever wanna.. just.. kiss someone, but you can't, 'cause you're in public?" Taehyung asked softly.

Jungkook looked down at Taehyung's lips, gulping. "S-sometimes." Jungkook squeaked.

Taehyung hummed, and then pulled back, smiling at Jungkook, who seemed frazzled now. "Wanna play a game?"

"...A game?"

///

Jungkook giggled loudly, looking at Taehyung while holding a big dictionary. "Okay okay- what's the definition of... Diphthong."

Taehyung made the most confused face. "That one had to mean a bikini thong,"

"No! Stop guessing that for everything! It means two adjacent vowels occurring within the same syllable. Your turn!" Jungkook said, passing the dictionary to Taehyung.

They were sitting in the far away end of the library, by the geology and zoology section, alone, playing a dumb game where you read a word from the dictionary and the other has to guess the definition.

"I literally don't know a single word you just said. Okay... hmmm.." Taehyung said, flipping thought the dictionary. "Aholeahole."

"Asshole!" Jungkook said loudly while grinning, and Taehyung put his hand over Jungkook's mouth, both giggling.

"Baby you're too loud." Taehyung giggled, and then looked at the dictionary. "And no, it's the name of a species of Hawaiian flagtail native to the central Pacific." Taehyung read, and Jungkook rolled his eyes.

"It's not pronounced like that, genius! Okay, my turn-" Jungkook said, grabbing the book. While trying to grab the book, Taehyung grabbed his waist and pulled him onto his lap. Jungkook giggled brightly, gripping on Taehyung's shirt.

Jungkook fell onto his lap and looked at him closely, smiling. Taehyung looked back up at him, and then trailed a hand down Jungkook's spine. "Kookie.."

"Yeah?" Jungkook asked softly, and Taehyung looked up at him with somber eyes. Taehyung reached forward and pressed their lips together, and Jungkook hummed, kissing him back.

Jungkook pulled away for a split second. "V-" Jungkook squeaked, kissing him again, and then pulling away again. "Someone might catch us-"

"Don't-" Taehyung said suddenly, pulling away. "Don't call me that."

Jungkook paused. "W-what?"

"Call me by my real name," Taehyung said, looking hesitant, looking away as he always did. "Taehyung. Call me Taehyung."

"Taehyung." Jungkook repeated with him. "L-like that?"

"Yeah." Taehyung gulped. "I-I don't want others to, but you can. You can say it." Taehyung whispered, and Jungkook's heart skipped a beat.

"I-I can call you Taehyung?" Taehyung nodded.

"Taehyungie?" Jungkook said with a small smile, and Taehyung rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless.

"TaeTaehyungie-"

"Okay that's enough-"

Jungkook began giggling, kissing his forehead. "My TaeTae~"

"I hate you~" Taehyung said in the same tone, and Jungkook laughed harder, leaning in to kiss him tight, when suddenly they heard footsteps approaching.

Both pulled away from each other, jumping eons apart. Jungkook turned to the side and saw Jimin.

"Um.. hey.. what're you guys doing?" Jimin asked, and both boys gulped. They looked at each other, and then back at Jimin.

"Nothing." Both said together, and Jimin raised his eyebrow. They probably just made that 10 times more suspicious.

https://jeontaeh.tumblr.com/post/647263901550002176/nineteen

[danandthereader]

Dan is supposed to be away touring on your birthday but surprises you by showing up at your party?

A/N: The first thing this reminded me of was a much happier version of the Taylor Swift song The Moment I Knew, to be honest with you. But I’m also a lowkey huge Swiftie of many years, and I’ve had her Spotify playlist on repeat for the past few days. Thank you so much for the prompt, lovely ! I’m happy to fill it, because I think it’s absolutely adorable, and I’m really really happy with how it turned out. I hope you enjoy the fill; heart you ! ♡

PLEASANT SURPRISE

It wasn’t intentional, your birthday celebration ending up on the same day as one of the band’s tour dates. You liked to joke with Dan about how it wasn’t your fault you were born that day, you were right on time, and if anything he should be blaming your parents. It always made the two of you laugh despite what it actually entailed.The two of you had talked about it, the possibility of him missing it, in the weeks leading up to the official public announcement of the tour. Despite insisting, again and again, that you were going to be all right, that him missing it wasn’t that big of a deal, the regret and guilt never truly left his system, never was fully wiped clean off his features, even after the conversation was over.

When the tour dates were announced, his fans went wild. It was all over all of your social media feeds, everyone’s excitement, and you actually shared in it as well. Ninja Sex Party going on tour always meant some amazing live performances, and those wonderful words he told the audience every night, the words that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Love everyone, and forgive everyone, especially yourself.The first day of it came around quicker than you had liked, but Dan was more distraught about leaving you than you were about him. It made you laugh, hugging him goodbye at the airport, as their tour started on the east coast instead of the west. He promised he would call every other night, and he was going to FaceTime you for your birthday. He wanted to see everyone, see you blow out the candles and wear a goofy paper party hat. Even though he wasn’t going to be there physically, he wanted to still see you smile.He kept to his promise - every other night was a phone call, often with interludes by Brian or one of the members of Tupperware Remix Party. They all shared a bus together, and Dan tended to be very open with his relationship around them, so it was easy for it to feel like you were just another good friend. However, not once did it ever feel like a bad thing; it felt nice to be included so easily and fully. The I love yous at the end of each call always reminded you of who you were to him, even when he wasn’t there. You were his, and he was yours, distance be dammed.Though it was a sweet sentiment - love could conquer anything, even hundreds of miles and thousands of adoring fans - you never did get a hundred percent used to being alone at home. As the days wore on and you spent a lot of your nights in a too big bed with the white noise machine you hadn’t used since you were a kid on full blast, you begun to ache for him more and more. Phone calls stopped being enough after about a week and a half, and there was weird disconnect with FaceTime despite seeing him in real-time.

When the day of your birthday came around, you awoke to the pale sunlight streaming through your blinds and a ringing cell phone. Reaching over with half-closed eyes, you blindly swiped at the screen until it stopped and brought it to your ear. “Hello?” Who was calling you at this hour? “Good morning, birthday girl!” It was Dan’s voice, and you rolled over, smiling sleepily. “What time even is it?” you muttered, not bothering to open your eyes. He sounded way too cheery to not be on the other side of the continent. “Time for your birthday!” Turning your head once more, you blinked slowly to look at the bedside clock, which read a quarter past nine. At least it wasn’t noon, you supposed. “The party’s not ‘till, like, seven, Danny,” you told him with a laugh. “But you’ve got a whole day of celebrating to do! C’mon, sleepyhead, up you go.” It was like he was there with you, you could imagine him jostling you awake with the most excited look on his face. “All right, I’m up, I’m up.” No you weren’t, but you could pretend, at least for a few more minutes.In truth, your boyfriend was right about you having a busy day. It was mostly pre-planned things, appointments your mother set up for you to make before your birthday tonight. Cosmetic things - get your hair trimmed, your nails and toes done, and just enough money for a pretty pair of shoes - were all all on the list for today, all leading up to the party that somehow everyone you knew got invited to. It was probably thanks to your brother - salt of the earth, with his crazy-good party-planning skills - who pulled some sort of post-frat sorcery to put it all together.“Well, now that I’m up, I should probably get started on my day…” That earned you an exaggerated whine. “That means you have to hang up,” he told you, voice pitched and faux-upset. “I can’t lay in bed forever, remember? It’s my birthday?” That and he knew just as well as you did your mother’s displeasure over missing appointments. “All right, yeah, you’re right.” A pause. “I should get going too. We’re on the road again, and I’m being waved at by Brian to get off the phone.” He chuckled. “Go get ‘em, birthday girl! Have an amazing day, okay?” It was almost gross, how sweet he was. “All right, sunshine. I’ll talk to you later.” After exchanging the definitive I love yous, you hung up, and off you went.

Your day went by quickly, a blur of places and faces and all kinds of kind words. With your hair trimmed, nails and toes done, and an outfit picked out, you headed over to your parents house. It was an actual house, as opposed to your shared apartment, and had much more space to mingle and meander. Plus, it was your parents, they had sort of insisted.A small group of people were all ready there when you arrived. A chorus of Happy birthdays rang out as you entered, your father dragging you in by the hand. It was sweet, to say the least; you hadn’t had an actual birthday party since you were in your teens. And they had done a great job at preparing the food and decorating, you had to admit. It was all the stereotypical things - streamers and balloons, the holographic letters spelling out Happy Birthday! hanging above the banister, confetti sprinkled on the table and what smelled like a cake baking in the oven. You knew part of it was your brother - who was wearing a party hat and talking with his plus-one for the evening - but your parents loved you; you knew they had a hand in it as well.As more and more people arrived, the party became more lively, music playing in the room and voices rising just above it. You were seemingly at the center of it all, cup in hand and talking to everyone that approached you. Many hugs were exchanged, but every one of them, after they left, never lingered. They weren’t the hug you seemed to be looking for, a hug you knew you weren’t going to get for another month or so. No one had asked about Dan - not many knew about him, only your immediate family, and they all ready knew of the situation - but it was still heavy on your shoulders, the thought of not being able to find him in the crowd, not going home with him that night.“Hey.” The voice made you look over, and there was your little brother. He was still wearing the party hat, but was alone, just the two of you in the small gathering for just a few moments. “You okay?” Your eyebrows furrowed, as if to ask, Why wouldn’t I be? “You look a little lost, t’ be honest.” Did you? Was it really that obvious, how alone you were suddenly feeling? “No, I’m okay. Just - I don’t know. Miss Dan, I guess,” you replied with a small shrug, a bit at a loss for what to say. “Ah. It’ll be okay. We’ll FaceTime him a little later, when we do the cake and stuff. He’ll be here in spirit.” He was trying, you knew that, and it made you smile a bit as he walked away.

The night had no intention of winding down until well into the midnight hour, because the cake didn’t come out until around ten. Everyone gathered around to take photos, videos, and, of course, sing to you. Sitting in the chair like you were nine years old again, you let the room sing the classic birthday song to you while you grinned in both embarrassment and affection. When you blew out the candles, everyone cheered.As your father brought out the paper plates and cutting knife, your mother hushed the crowd. “All right, everyone, now I know we said gifts weren’t required,” she began as all eyes landed on her and you stood. “But we coordinated a little something for our birthday girl this evening.” The crowd laughed and oooed, you chuckling along naturally. Honestly, you weren’t all that good with surprises, but it couldn’t have been that big, you didn’t see anything in the livingroom when you walked in.As if on cue, there was a firm knock at the door. Everyone was quiet as your mother - beaming with excitement - disappeared to answer it. A few looked back to you; you could only shrug in response to their quizzical looks.What came back with your mother was a surprise, but the best one you could get on your birthday.“Danny!”No one knew about your boyfriend, but they all did now. There was a lull of confusion as you scrambled from the table to get to him, then they understood when you collided, and the cheering and laughing began. “Hey there, lovely!” he greeted as he wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you up, making you squeal in delight. “Babe I -” You didn’t want to pull away, didn’t want to let go, because you were afraid if you did, he’d disappear, or be someone else entirely. “Happy birthday, sweetheart.” His voice had dropped to a murmur as he pulled away, gently taking your face in his hands and kissing you sweetly.