#idkreachouttomeidcuzifearimaykms

[im-barely-even-here]

When they found out I hurt myself, they yelled at me.

When they found out I hurt myself, they grounded me.

They took my phone away, and pulled me out of school.

When they found out I hurt myself, they got mad at me, because how could I ever feel sad enough to do that when all they’ve given me is a good life.

I must’ve just wanted attention.

They called me an attention seeker.

When they found out I hurt myself, they called me every name under the sun, isolated me from what little grounded me, and did everything but try and help me recover.

This was when I was 15. 11 years ago.

Not much to my own surprise,

I still hurt myself.

But this time around, no one knows. No one will know.

Guess I’m not an attention seeker after all, huh?

[im-barely-even-here]

My hobbies?

Oh, I love triggering myself to past trauma and purposely digging myself deeper into a mental black hole that inevitably will end in a terrible relapse and take days to recover from.

Wbu? :)

[im-barely-even-here]

I need to take a nap

But not like a

I’m tired and sleepy nap

More of a

If I don’t go unconscious for a while

I will hurt myself really badly

Kinda nap

[im-barely-even-here]

Nothing happened

Nothing even happened

Nothing happened nothing happened nothing happened

So why the fuck am I bleeding on the floor in my dark room again

Fuck

F u c k

[im-barely-even-here]

All it takes is one small

tiny

minuscule thing,

And I’m thinking about slicing my skin open

Hoping I bleed crimson all over myself

[im-barely-even-here]

I bought a blade today.

Like, with my own money,

I searched in a store,

Found a blade,

Chose one,

Bought it,

And

Now it’s sitting in my desk.

Idk it hurts a little that I went out and got one.

No one really batted an eye.

I didn’t expect them to,

Obviously.

But I usually scrounge around

And find a blade.

Break apart a razor,

Or a sharpener,

Or an exacto knife.

Now I went out and bought it.

Idk.

Now it feels like it’s an

Actual addiction.

[im-barely-even-here]

I haven’t hurt myself in 3 days

But I don’t consider myself ‘clean’

Because I’m not trying to recover

I don’t give a fuck about being ‘clean’

I want to cut my arms and legs bloody

But I know the aftermath of cutting

Is having to spend time and effort cleaning myself

And my surroundings

Bandaging myself up

And wiping away blood

And I can’t find the energy to do the cleaning

I’m just so tired

Too tired to clean up after myself

Too tired to hurt myself

Too tired to keep going

[im-barely-even-here]

To 15 year old me,

Should’ve tried a little harder to die, babes. You don’t get any better.

PS. you just act like you love yourself. Make yourself look cocky, and full of yourself. Because if you act like it, people will believe it. But it couldn’t be further from the truth. You loathe everything about yourself. Always have, always will.

From,

26 year old you.

[im-barely-even-here]

I feel like I’m only desirable when I’m half naked in the bedroom. That’s the only time I’m seen as something worth looking at. And, I know it’s self destructive, because I have all the attention I want during s3x, but then as soon it’s over, it’s like I’m not even there.

I’ve done things I don’t feel comfortable doing. I’ve said yes to s3x plenty of times when I wasn’t in the mood. All because

That’s the only time I get complimented. Noticed. Felt beautiful to someone.

While giving them my body.

[im-barely-even-here]

When you’re breaking down,

But you don’t even know why.

So all you can do is just sob

While shaking your head

And just

Saying

‘I don’t know

I don’t know I don’t know

I don’t know’

[im-barely-even-here]

You know it’s getting bad again when there’s a constant fog in your head, and you don’t feel guilty about hurting yourself.

[im-barely-even-here]

You can take away my blades,

I’ll just pop some pills.

You can take away my pills,

I’ll scratch my skin raw.

You can take away my privacy,

I’ll starve myself.

Because no matter what you take away from me,

You’ll never be able to take away

The hate I have for myself.

[im-barely-even-here]

When the trauma you went thru at 16 is being played out all over again,

But to another girl.

Except she gets the help you had craved,

The attention you were begging for.

I’m very happy, that what took me years of going through, she’s reached out and gotten away from the guy hurting her, within just a few months.

But, is it wrong for me to envy her?

I was a child. I was 16 and suffered nearly 10 years. The same people who hurt me, are the ones who saved her.

It’s a different kind of of heartbreak seeing the same people who abused me speak up for her.

You know what’a happening to her is wrong, just not when it’s happening to me.

Huh, alright.

Fuck off.

[im-barely-even-here]

My brain just feels kinda

Fuzzy.

Like there’s a cloud over my thoughts

And I can’t think straight.

Cutting cleared the clouds for a second

But

The fuzz just comes back.

Why?