#idkkk he just makes me emotional

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

almost made a long deeply deeply personal post about how much i relate to abed but i don’t think 100 tumblr strangers need to know everything about me

[borathae]

Tenderness

"Jimin has a hard time accepting that people don't want to hurt him. Something about you makes him ease up however and because of it, he asks you to cut his hair. You help him gladly of course."

Pairing: Jimin x f.Reader

Genre: slight Angst, Fluff, Hurt and Comfort

Warnings: Jimin has trauma, he's scared but she makes him feel at ease, like please give this man a hug, innocent skinship, also they're just friends currently but idkkk there is so much tension between them, god i'm going insane actually

Wordcount: 2.6k

a/n: i'm actually so sad :( also listen. the hug was inspired by the way Jimin hugs :( i fucking want a Mimi Hug no JOKE </3

You are in the back garden, pruning the roses when someone suddenly steals the sunlight from you. It had once warmed your skin. The air feels chilly in the shadows all of a sudden.

You stop working, lifting your eyes at the person.

Jimin. Dressed in a long arm shirt and flowy pants, he walked through the grass barefoot and with his long hair tied back. The fabric of his shirt is striped in black and white. He is hiding his eyes behind a pair of dark sunglasses. 

“You’re in my sun”, you tease.

“The sun doesn’t belong to you”, he throws backs sassily.

“I’d still prefer it if I had sunlight.”

“Too bad. I’m here now.”

You scoff in amusement, straightening up by rolling your shoulders. Such bickering is normal between you and him and amuses you these days.

“Do you wanna help me?” you offer him your second pair of pruning scissors, which he declines with a shake of his head.

“I have a, uh, favour to ask of you.”

You are working on the rose as you talk to him. He watches your movements with his eyes just slightly zoned out. 

“What’s up?” 

“Okay so, don’t laugh at me, but I talked to Tae and he said that you’re really good at cutting hair.”

“Yeah, I am. Nobody in this family wants to trust me, but I’m so good at cutting hair, like so good.”

He scoffs in amusement, reaching out to play with a rose leaf mindlessly.

“Sure you are.”

“Mh-hm, I am. Why did you ask him?”

“It’s just, I was wondering, uh, if maybe you want to do my hair.”

You stop working, studying him in surprise. You didn’t expect such a request.

“Your hair?” you make sure

Jimin nods his head. 

“Sure, uh, yeah I can. Just...why me?”

“Because you’re good, I already told you. And because Tae can’t cut hair. He thinks that he can, but he is shit at it. Don’t tell him I said that.”

“I’m not better than a professional though. Wouldn’t a stylist be better than me?”

“No, uhm.” He shies away, touching his own neck in soothing. “I’m not ready to, uhm. It’s hard for me to have strangers touch me. I, I don’t know them and, and I… uhm, they could hurt me. Uhm, it’s hard, I guess.”

“Oh”, you realise, “gosh Jimin, I’m sorry that you feel this way. I understand your feelings and I’ll gladly cut your hair.”

“Thank you”, he whispers, “see you later then. In my wing. Bye.” 

And with that, he flees, keeping his head low in embarrassment. You know that it wasn’t easy for him to share his feelings right now. He is a lot like Yoongi in that regard. Although Jimin is definitely that way because he was never truly allowed to feel. In more sense than one. Not only was he forced to keep his emotions off, he was also punished for any show of emotion which didn’t benefit his abusers. Sharing his feelings equalled being hurt to him in his past. So of course he fled the second he did it. You are still so proud of him for sharing his feelings. It means that he is healing. 

You finish garden work and take a quick shower. Knowing Jimin, he meant the evening hours when he said “later” so you don’t feel too stressed about going to him. 

After the shower, you have early dinner with Yoongi and Jungkook where you tell them that you will cut Jimin’s hair later and they show their expected surprise. When you tell them his reasons however, they react with empathy. They leave for a hunt after dinner, needing their own vampiric meals. You kiss each of them on their lips and wish them a good hunt, then you make your way upstairs to Jimin’s wing. 

He always keeps his doors locked because he feels safer this way, resulting in you having to ring his doorbell.

All of you have doorbells installed, which makes it a lot easier to visit each other. It was Taehyung’s idea and Yoongi had to be the one to install them. He did it gladly, gloating about how easy it was once it was done.

Jimin opens the door after the first ring. He is in different clothes and judging by the slight pearls of sweat on his forehead, he has been dancing. 

“Is it a good time?” you ask him.

“Yes. Come in.”

You step out of your house shoes once inside, while Jimin locks the door.

“Were you dancing?”

“Yes.”

“That’s nice. How’s the studio?”

“Good. I love the natural light in it.”

“It’s already dark though.”

“For you, yes. Not for me. The moonlight is better than sunlight”, he says and hurries past you, “wait in the living room. I need to shower.”

“Alright, will do.”

Jimin’s living room was once a guest bedroom. The one you stayed in during your first night at the estate to be more exact. Yes, That Night where Taehyung had actually planned on eating you before you, unknowingly, managed to change his mind. 

The room once smelled of oakwood and myrrh, but smells like orange blossoms and clean wood these days. The walls changed out of their outdated grey coat into a cherry red dress. White ceilings and a decorated voute seem to practically glow next to the red and the ivory curtains give even more lightness to the otherwise warm-coloured room. The furniture is antique, but in perfect condition and throughout the room, Jimin placed vases with fresh flowers. He isn’t afraid to show his sensitive side these days. It reflects in how delicate the decorations in his wing feel.

You lie down on his sofa. Its red pillows swaddle you, inviting you to close your eyes for a while. It is so comfortable here. 

You probably would have dozed off for a post-dinner nap if Jimin hadn’t woken you again. His steps are quiet normally, but the floorboards creaked under his weight as he walked to you.

You sit up, “I’m awake.”

“Sure”, Jimin says sarcastically, eyeing the deep dent you left in his throw pillow, “just so you know, that pillow is a hundred years old and the stitching is delicate.”

“Huh? Hm?” You look at the pillow, smoothing it out. “Sorry. Nothing happened, I swear.”

“Don’t sweat it. Can we start? I wanna get it over with”, he says and leaves the room again.

With a grieving heart – a nap sounded so good – you leave the comfortable couch to follow him. 

You find him in his bathroom, sitting by the powder table in only his towel. The silver scar on his back contrasts against his black tattoos. He is tracing the entrance point of the scar on his chest mindlessly, but lifts his eyes when he senses your presence. His hand lowers, the self-disgust disappearing from his eyes. He shifts in embarrassment, clearing his throat.

Knowing him, he wants you to ignore his scar. He can’t stand it when people mention it. It is already awful enough that he has to look at it each time he undresses. 

“Anything in particular you wanna get?” you ask him as you close in on him.

“Just shave it there and give it texture on top”, Jimin says, lifting up his hair to show you his neck.

“So undercut with some length on top?”

“Yeah. It’s hot and I need air.”

“Right? It’s so hot lately. This summer is insane”, you agree, picking up the shaver, “should we go with the setting you have on?” 

“Yes. But make sure the fade is good.”

“I will, don’t worry. Is it okay for me to touch you?” 

Jimin glances at you. Surprise and gratefulness. He can’t keep up eye contact, lowering his eyes at the table as he nods his head. 

With his consent, you touch his hair. You run your fingers through it, eyeing his hands. They ball to fists at the first contact, tightening with such strength that his knuckles pale. He is scared.

“Did you practice choreography?” you ask him in hopes of distracting him.

“No I.” He clears his tightened throat. “I guess I just danced.”

“That’s nice too. I’ll shave it to up there. Is that alright?”

Jimin inspects the point you show him and nods his head. You pick up the shaver and turn it on. Jimin moves his head away when you put it close to him, flinches and moves back again.

“Sorry”, he whispers, glancing at you in embarrassment.

“Don’t apologise. Did you change your mind?” 

“No.”

“Alright. Want a break?”

He shakes his head silently.

“Alright. Just tell me if you need it”, you say and put the shaver against his neck.

Jimin is tense during the first couple of shaves, but relaxes soon when his traumatized mind realizes that you genuinely don’t want him harm. He even opens his fists and begins playing with his bracelets mindlessly. Only around his ears, a certain stiffness returns to him and his eyes ghost over the shaver fearfully. 

So you give him a break, soothing him by tracing his ears softly. 

“Gotta clean you up”, you tell him even though both of you know that this was just an excuse to mask the gesture of comfort you give him. If you didn’t mask it, Jimin would get way too embarrassed however. 

He is tense at first. His eyes switch between your hands, your face and the shaver you put aside. 

You reach the spot right behind his ear where the harder point of his shell blends into the softness of his lobe. You rub it slowly. Jimin’s lids flutter, his head sways back just once before he fixes it again.

Another rub of the same spot and Jimin’s head rolls back again, lids closing halfway as goosebumps cover his skin. Yet another rub and he breathes so deeply that his chest lifts and sinks visibly, eyes closing for just a second before he forces them open again.

He straightens up, glancing at you in embarrassment. You act oblivious for his sake, giving his shoulders an innocent rub.

“There we go. Now you’re clean. I’ll continue.”

“Yeah. Okay”, he whispers, staring at you in the reflection of the mirror. He can’t truly make sense of the emotions in his chest and what they mean. He also can’t stop them and so he stares.

Jimin doesn’t flinch away anymore when the shaver touches him. You can finish the shaving without any more obstacles. He even stays calm when you shave him around his other ear. Only for a split second his neck tensed up, but relaxed within a breath because he felt safe more than he does troubled in your presence. 

You place the shaver on the table and use a fluffy brush to sweep away any stray hair. The sensation sends shivers down his spine. He tries to cover them up as best as possible.

“Do you like the fade?” 

“Yes. It’s, uhm, it’s what I wanted”, he speaks quietly, looking at himself with sparkling eyes. He doesn’t even notice that he is gazing, too mesmerised his new look has him. 

“Nice. That’s good to hear. I’ll just do the texturing and then you’re done.”

“Yes. Thank you.”

His words are honest, bringing a smile to your lips.

“Of course.” You pick up the scissors, showing them to him. “I’ll use these.”

You give him time to observe the potential danger. He nods his head in consent. You begin. He doesn’t tense because you gave him the opportunity to prepare. 

“Your hair is fun to work with. You’ve got so much of it.”

“Thanks. It’s hot during summer.”

“I can imagine. Should I take some length too?”

“Yes, please.”

You can finish the cut with no obstacles, moving on to the last step instantly. You clean him and then style him with a light mousse. He lets you with gratefulness in his eyes. Truly, he can’t stop looking at you. It is as if something about you has him captured. You don’t notice his eyes on you because you take your job as his hair stylist way too seriously and are blind to anything but his hair.

“There we go. Now you’re done. How do you like it?” you ask, finally meeting his eyes. For but a moment, your breath hitches. He never looked at you like this before. “Uh..”

Jimin clears his throat and shifts his eyes away. The air is charged between you and him, but neither tries to talk about it.

You take a step back. Jimin looks at himself for a while. His expression is stoic and if you didn’t know him better, you would think that he hates the haircut. In the end however, a small smile hushes over his lips and he nods his head.

“I like it.” 

You smile proudly.

“I’m happy to hear that.”

He shimmies on the chair awkwardly, touching his new undercut.

“You can, uhm, leave now if you want to.”

“How about we clean up and then show Tae your new style?” you suggest because you know he doesn’t actually want you to leave, but thinks that you already want to.

“Yes. Okay.” He turns away to hide the giddy smile. “Do you think we can get him to watch a movie with us?”

“I think that he’ll be the one to suggest it.”

Jimin laughs. You laugh with him.

“Yeah, that actually sounds like him”, he agrees. 

“I bet he wants to watch one of his boring French movies.”

“They’re not boring, you just have no taste.”

You laugh, “no I do. His movies are like five hours long. That’s way too long.” 

“Don’t tell him that.”

“Oh honey, I do. He knows and teases me for it.” 

You and Jimin share laughter. Your eyes meet. The tension in the air is almost suffocating.

His smile drops. 

You stop laughing, feeling tight in your chest for but a second, “what’s wrong?” 

Jimin stands up and turns to you so he can close the distance.

You instinctively take a step back, but Jimin still pulls you close.

He hugs you. 

“Oh?”

Jimin hugs as if he is overcome with adoration. Jimin hugs as if he needed the other for his survival. Jimin hugs as if he thanks the universe for the other’s presence. He doesn’t hug often, but when he does, it is spilling over with his honest adoration.

You didn’t expect it right now, but can’t deny that it melts you. He has one arm around your waist strongly and cradles the back of your head with his other hand, while his cheek rests on your shoulder with his face hidden in your neck. You can even see from the reflection in the mirror that he has his eyes closed. He hugs just like him. With his entire heart and soul. 

You hug him back with just as much tenderness, rubbing his back slowly. Goosebumps follow your touch. He melts into your embrace. 

“What’s that for?” you ask him quietly.

“Haircut.”

You chuckle, “do you like it that much?”

He nods his head and gives you a squeeze.

“Thank you”, he whispers. 

You know that he doesn’t only speak of the haircut. That he thanks you for giving him the space and time he needed to realise that the haircut won’t end in pain for him. You smile fondly, squeezing him back.

“Of course. You can always come to me for help.”

“I will.” He holds you so close and breathes your name. Nothing else follows. Just your name. Said with just as much heart and soul as his hug carries.

[ghxstlly]

Fear x Anger story/Fanfic???👀

(There’s literally none anywhere😭)

Maybe a date night while they’re on dream duty idkkk u pick🫠

Short and sweet :)

---

“How can you sit there and watch this shit?” Growling petulantly as he sat himself on the sofa, a mug in both hands, Anger glared up at the screen and shook his head. 

Beside him, lifting his blanket and settling it over the both of them, Fear shrugged, blowing the steam from the top of his mug as Anger passed it to him.

“Riley needs her dreams monitored.” He said simply, taking a careful first sip. “Stress nightmares are a very real possibility right now, what with finals week coming up.”

“I know that,” The red emotion huffed, settling heavily against the cushions and throwing an arm around Fear’s middle, tugging him close. “I just can’t believe this is what those morons down there think pass for dreams these days. What a fucking joke.”

“They’re not that bad,” Glancing sidelong at his partner, a small smile twitching at the corners of his mouth, Fear chuckled lightly. “Sometimes they’re kind of amusing. In a… weird sort of way.”

Frowning back at him, Anger quirked a brow. 

“Christ, the bar really is in the fucking dirt, isn’t it?”

“Well, I mean, come on, look at it this way— at least they’re harmless.”

“Harmless for Riley, maybe, but they make me wanna put my fist through a wall. We gotta watch this garbage, too, so you’d think the assholes making it would have just a little bit of respect for us.”

“Okay, Mister Dramatic—” Fear found himself smirking at that, biting his lip to suppress a little laugh. “You don’t have to watch them, you know. No one’s making you stay.”

Scoffing, Anger rolled his eyes. Though he looked annoyed, it was impossible for Fear to miss the way his arm had tightened about his waist as he lifted his mug to his lips and sipped loudly, as though trying to mask it.

“Bullshit,” The red emotion grumbled into his coffee after a little pause, pointedly ignoring the knowing look taking shape on his partner’s face. “I’d never hear the end of it if I left.”

“Uh-huh. Like that’s ever stopped you before.” Fear hummed as he shifted just a bit closer, snaking an arm around Anger’s shoulders. “For as much as you complain, you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to be— you like doing dream duty with me.”

Growling, Anger slumped lower in his seat, his frown deepening despite the warmth that immediately blossomed in his core and rose quickly to his cheeks.

“Bite me.” He muttered almost inaudibly, sighing exaggeratedly as Fear leaned closer still, laying his head atop his.

“It’s okay— you can admit that you like being cozy, holding me, getting some alone time—”

“Fear— this coffee’s really fucking hot, you sure you wanna keep talking?” 

At that, Fear snorted aloud, failing to stifle his laughter, and Anger, amidst an indignant huff, couldn’t help but soften, the corners of his scowl twitching into a faint smile.

“Fine— point taken.” Fear chuckled, pressing his lips to Anger’s temple in a soft, playful kiss. “I am right, though. You love—”

“Fear.”

“Okay, alright— I’ll shut up.”

[jessejamesmaybank1]

JJ Maybanks fic prompts.ideas

some of these may be silly or stupid (kinda lots of ooc), but pls don't judge, dm me or leave the link in the comments if you use any of these pls!

JJ sometimes visits his dad in a form of self-destruction/self-harm, so now that his dad is gone, he doesn't know how to deal with or process his emotions - this could be used in many ways, but my main idea is that JJ is depressed after they get the gold (after pogue-landia or being "alone"), so he kinda shuts down or smth

During 1x05 when John B. and Kiara start slapping the mosquitos, The pogues involve all of each other In the activity, but it triggers JJ or he gets worried about the pogue's continual fighting

Barry or one of Luke's dealers has a problem with Luke and can't find him or smth and takes it out on JJ, maybe by beating him or badgering him for money - this could be REALLY dark, or simply hurt/comfort

JJ insults one of his friends on accident and has anxiety and regret over it - that's it, but I feel like you can do a lot with it, create different reactions, and display the inner workings of the pogue's relationships

A parallel to the Sarah and Kiara scene where they tricked them onto the boat to solve their fighting, what if Big John did the same thing when JJ and John B were having a huge fight as kids. I think that Big John is irresponsible enough to do it and the boys would be petty enough as kids to need it. Ik it was pope's idea, but I think it would be so cute to see the little pogues.

Barry going to attack JJ to get his revenge but ends up seeing him getting beat by a kook or smth and relating to him bc of when Ward beat him or smth in his past (even just the relation of kooks vs pogues). I think that the development and atmosphere of the fic would be interesting.

I would DIE for a fic abt when jj was little and his parents both were in love with each other (like only had eyes for eachother and had the rest of their life planned out together) and they were eating dinner or some other normal family things and his parents were talking about their dreams of moving to Yucatan, and that is one of jj's favorite moments with his family and he remembers that as his parents perfect dream (before drugs took over their life and they abandoned/abused him), sooo I think that that alone would be beautiful, or you could add how he always want to go to Yucatan to solve their problems, because he thought that Yucatan would solve his mom and dad's struggles. Ik this was confusing, but if you understand, this would be beautiful 🤩

This may be confusing, but in the seen where he fights back against his dad and has the wrench held up and says "well I ain't scared of you no more" what if his dad usednto threaten him with tools or if he really did, so jj is taking the high road or is just like having flashbacks or smth - this one is kinda stupid and a real stretch, but I feel like Luke could have hit jj with one of his tools bc jj interrupted his work or something. Idkkk y'all

This is more of a headcanon, but I love the idea of jj being named Jesse James after his mom (Jessica - her name isn't mentioned in the show) if you wanna make it a fic, it could be abt him being bullied for having a girls name and his mom comforting him or abt his dad telling him that he will never live up to her name - I read a fic (I don't remember the name, but it COULD have been 'mental Polaroids', but idk) and Luke was yelling abt jj having the same "fucking weepy-ass eyes' as his mom

This is again just another headcannon, but jj has younger brother energy sometimes, and I think he was born in June or August for some reason - probably the youngest of the pogues, maybe celebrating his birthday ro smth

I think we can all agree that John b. is sometimes an ass-hat, so maybe a fic abt him getting reeaaaalllly drunk and upset over his dad in season 1 and trying to fight jj bc jj was insensitive or for another reason

[yankaze]

KH OC week 2024 - Day 2: Past What was your character creation process like?

this one will be morally difficult for me 😭😭

I didn't find much old art to show, but I think these ones will say a lot.

Hajime as a character has existed since 2016. In March 2016 (I was 13 uuum 13 ehem) I learned about KH and somewhere around the same time I came up with this, at that time - eh, I don't know- at least unoriginal character who was literally a goth Roxas (I didn't knew about the existence of AUs idk, and Roxas is already ''emo boy'', but 2007 was almost here idkkk, we can joke about it for a very long time actually, but the fact remains a fact).

His name changed many times and there was no special meaning behind them (Sea, Syon), I just liked the way they sounded. I can answer the question why I named him ''Hajime'' right now. Internet says: ''Hajime (Japanese: はじめ) is a Japanese name meaning "beginning" (初め, 始め)''. I liked the way it sounded and its meaning and it gave me a hint where to move the character's story now.

+ in the Hajime's story he chooses this name for himself, because obviously no one gave name to him, but he needed a word to talk about himself and (i'm not sure about that) in the book he finds this name and I can say that it was chosen by him randomly.

He had a terrible written story on the basis of some other AU (???) and without сorvalol I can’t read it, even though it’s stored somewhere in my old dms from those years, I still don’t want to show it 😭

Around 2017 and up until 2019, I tried to make... something... out of him. It feels more like I just periodically returned to KH in a fit of baseless nostalgia and I really wanted to shove a “piece of myself” into this universe (which was already tired of me lmao).

2019 reminded me about KH in the form of KH III release and... this character again (+ my friend's kh oc- Jun).

I think that for a long time I didn't wanted to fundamentally change his concept (which was literally just that he exists and somehow travels around the worlds) because I was emotionally attached to this character. In essence, he was not just a character for me, but also memories that were triggered by each repeated hyperfixation on this universe.

It seems to me that the most obvious indicator of how I jumped back and forth into the KH universe is noticeable by the fact that it gave me the opportunity to look at one of my redraw series with this character through the years.

From 2020 to 2023 there was a long lull with this character.

2023 has been jUiCy in rethinking from the start because the long break gave me the opportunity to finally stop give in to nostalgia (or at least less) and loosen my emotional attachments to unworkable concepts. Therefore, this character now has the opportunity to finally become something better than a copy of another character.

However, this epic attempt was quickly abandoned as soon as the hyperfix ended.

We've reached the present time (mid-2024).

I slammed my fist on the table and decided to finally play through ALL the Kingdom Hearts games (that was therapy for my soul) and finally my understanding of KH universe became kinda complete (I still don't understand everything, the plot is very complex u'know). From what I began to understand, I decided to give this character another chance and close this damned gestalt.

This story is still ongoing, but I told in general details everything that happened to this character all these 8 years. This actually shows not only how the character changed, but also how I changed as an artist. Even my ''psychological problems'' can be seen through this story, and what amazes me the most is how over the years, using Hajime as an example, my drawing skills improved.

At such moments, you understand that you are not standing still and thoughts about "I have no progress in my art" no longer arise.

@khoc-week

[janaknandini-singh999]

so idk i felt like i could reach out to u for this, but like i was seeing one of ur posts about rukmini and i saw that apparently she did sati when shri krishna died, and I googled it and I found out in various places that yes, but idk that just made me really upset, like I understand the emotions but the concept itself makes me upset and i just couldn't believe that swayam devi rukmini and other wives actually did that u know, and if their lives were meant to be exemplary or teach us then what does it teach the Hindu people about sati u know and forcing it? like whenever smth like this that idk if i agree with or understand happens then I always try to trust that shri krishna intended it for a reason but here I really don't see the reason:( like surely it would have been stronger if rukmini were a pillar of comfort in the aftermath of shri krishnas death, or idk really even in srimad bhagavatam I was reading some lines about the raas lila and I just felt like, you know it showed the gopiyas and their love but on krishnas part I didnt feel like he was taking their love as seriously u know, or he seemed a little apathetic, idkkk I may be very quick to jump to conclusions about these things, and i shouldn't! but it's also why because shri krishna in my mind would also be deeply moved by these displays of love and also by the actions or happenings surrounding the people that love him, or people in general. which goes on I wanted to ask - what do you view shri krishna as? a historical figure, a mythological figure, an allegory for God/Brahman/Paramatma, someone who is emotional, someone who is perfect and does everything with a smile on his face?

and I just wish there were more stories of the divine feminine and all the female devis and their incarnations yknow? how do you feel about that? I'm sure they exist and must be lost somewhere, or I am not looking in the right place because I know things like the devi bhagavatam exist, but idk u must feel the divide between male and female gods, or is it that my perception is dependent on what I've come across growing up, or my perception of hindu society today?

for me, shri krishna was someone who existed in history, but he exists with such a fluidity that anyone who wishes to create a story of him that THEY find touching automatically becomes valid, because he is Bhagavan and so he changes with how his devotees perceive him or find love in him. which is why idk about radharani's 'existence' but I also feel her presence and I just intuitively *feel* that it doesn't matter if it is accurate or not, her identity as the divine counterpart and lover of shri krishna is so valid and touching yk

but I think my understanding of shri krishna can be very confusing to me sometimes because I am philosophical so I always question and critically look at things, so I question things like "if he is bhagavan, would he actually be like this, would he be like that" etc. I know I'm a seeker and my path must be jnana yoga and it's difficult but it's the way i find my way to bhakti. I'm a bhakt and emotionally attached now because i understand that I can never understand everything, and I naturally gravitate to being attached to shri krishna anyway despite all my questions, and I'm trying to embrace that.

sorry, I am aware I might seem arrogant or conceited questioning shri krishna bhagavan himself who is so huge and massive and I am sososoososooo tiny compared to him, as well as lakshmi devi and everyone else...there's no way I can understand everything, or even a small part of it.

it is just my own relationship with krishna i guess. or my own relationship with what I consider right and wrong.

please feel free to share your thoughts and views if you like 🙏🙏

sorry for the spam omg😭😭😭radhe radhe sakhi I appreciate you for listening so much!!!💙💙💙💙

Hey sakhi, first of all I'm glad you felt like reaching out to someone :') come heree yaar *hugs you tight and kisses your forehead and then hugs you again*

Now for the explanation - first things first I want you to know that whatever may have ensued in that yug was first of all majorly determined by patriarchy (yes, even when it came to krishna) and secondly, as a result, all of the texts were mostly manipulated to show the control of men over women. Now please keep that in mind as I continue..

Now that we have the power dynamics of gender out of our way let's get right into it: the sheer love between Krishna and his gopiyan and wives that no egoistic/materialistic mortal consumed by power and arrogance would ever be able to grasp in their entire life. It's the same reason why most people attack Radha for being worshipped with Krishna even though she was "just a lover" in their eyes. Now coming to back to it, in the simplest words, nothing existed for the wives of Krishna after he died. Their souls passed away with him - they had died anyway, it was just a matter of letting go of their bodies at this point after purging themselves through the purifying fire once and for all. Coz yes, to be very precise and blunt, all of their purposes had come to an end for this lifetime after Krishna passed away. Their purpose as Lakshmi's incarnations was to be Krishna's consort in his journey of dharma. This is something that can't be understood by most people because they start by directly comparing themselves to them. First of all, no you can't. Nobody in this yug (Kalyug) can have that sort of selfless, maddening devotion for anyone who isn't God (Kanha) Himself. So please don't equate yourself to them. It would just be wrong and simply... unjust? Also, again - it was a patriarchy so that was the picture painted for us too in the end. You wanna know something though? Radha was the only consort of Krishna who passed away before him. When she left her mortal body, she called out to Krishna to play his bansi for the last time in this lifetime for her as she peacefully passed away in his lap, listening to it and smiling. Krishna lost absolutely all hope after that. He broke down, broke his bansi in half and never played it for anyone ever again in his whole life after Radha passed on. His half soul had gone and taken along his dearest love with him. After that he just existed to complete his dharma, his purpose. His body otherwise had died. That was a kind of Sati for him, in his own heartbreakingly haunting way but nobody ever tells you that.

Coming to the portrayal, it's what the characters are moulded and shown to us that view our lens but really it should be debated when it comes to Gods because we are supposed to worship and follow their ideals. There are definitely a lot of divine goddesses in our religion. In fact, hinduism is the only religion that worships Goddess primarily as the eternal Shakti from which all beings are born (in most other religions there are just demi goddesses and gray/antihero goddesses). For example: greek mythology. That's probably again coz of the prevalant patriarchy. When Lilith (Adam's first wife) revolted against Adam for unequal power play, what did they do? Very conveniently painted her as the demoness queen aka the villain. Then ofc the stories that followed of her eating babies because she was jealous of Eve (the perfect submissive wife). Honestly how much should we even believe and how much discard? Next is Greek Mythology where the queen Goddess is Hera who is portrayed as a very angry Goddess and villainised almost every time, just because she stands up to her husband who sleeps with many others and doesn't care. She poisons other women in jealousy. What are these stories even trying to show? That what the man doing is alright and when it's a woman then it's "women are only women's enemies and they all just want to attack their poor husbands?" *cue men laughing together and mocking their wives*

It's a very gray area to touch upon and I don't wanna hurt sentiments but it's what it is. Coming back to Hindu - see, Krishna was a very tricky (and a trickster ;) part to portray. He was supposed to be mischievous but he was also supposed to be morally correct. Why else do we adore him sm? Because he resonates with us in this yug - he's cool and nice, a bsf, a father, a guide, a babygirl all in one. But look at his pov also na? That's a very difficult image to maintain, to be able to be loved and respected by all generations equally even with such a fluid identity. And since it's such a fluid identity, it was even easier to be tampered with by the brahmins who gave us the knowledge firsthand that was passed down by him. But just imagine - if even after all the (possible) manipulation of his character he still gives us the vibes of a genuine bestie, how loving would he actually be??? Like begaad kar bhi kuch nahi bigaad paaya jiska koi toh phir hum kya hi maaya hi uss kanhaiya ke saamne?

Btw another thing I wanted to point out, something that in turn is very personal to me, is my relationship with lord Ram. Can I just say that I had a sort of raging, blind hatred towards him? Ok, attack me as much as you like but let me first complete my case. Ofc as soon as I got to know that he left Sita ji because of a mere dhobi's accusation, I was furious beyond control. What was the point of even saving her if you had to do this??? What gives you the right of being called the perfect man (maryada purshottam) if you do this to the wife who devoted her entire life to you literally without any questions? How are you the best man in society when you don't even know the difference between right and wrong and get so easily swayed by other's influence and forget everything else? I was very much triggered and was one of those who saw it on the surface level and rebelled against it. Then something happened in my life which completely changed my perception. Tmi but let's just say I was Sita here (haha, so unironic) and I loved someone (let's call them Ram). We were perfect. Too perfect actually. And maybe it was something that things too beautiful are meant to end just as ravishingly because they left me. Not because of any other reason other than circumstance. It was also scarily similar to what happened to Ram when he actually left Sita. When it happened to me I grovelled and cursed and cried and cried. But despite everything, I could never blame this person. Because it wasn't their fault. They loved me when they left me but they had to do it. With a shock, I realized how much it was resonating now. I took it as a sign and this time I rampaged articles and articles on Ram Sita's relationship and finally found it out: Ram was distraught. He begged at Sita's feet that he doesn't want to leave. "No, my love. Not when I've finally been reunited with you after all this time." But Sita knew bettee. She quietly left the palace when he was sleeping at night and made her way into her beloved forest where she knew nobody would find her. It was for everyone's good. And Sita had made peace with it. They loved each other all the same. He never married again btw and something more which they don't tell you: Ram sculpted Sita's statue in his palace right next to his throne: a silent but crystal clear reminder to his people about who their rightful, true queen was and nobody could do anything about it. They were wrong, Siyaram weren't. But the tragic circumstances were unavoidable. Another legend that justifies it all is the curse of Asura Guru Shukracharya on Vishnu that he would be separated from Lakshmi in every birth (sitaram, radhakrishna).

To conclude though, I got my answer and I thanked Ram/Krishna/universe for it.

For those who attack and then those who justify sati of these women by merely looking at the surface level: tell them the tale of Sita who didn't need a man to tell her what her worth was. She didn't care whether she was in the palace or lost in the forest, though she always preferred the latter and was fortunate enough to live most of her life in it. She didn't budge when Raavan kidnapped her, didn't budge when a dhobi accused her of being impure, didn't budge when she went through everything because she knew she was right and because she was strong. To hell with those who didn't get that, she was her only validation, her only solace. Don't get the wrong idea that you can throw whatever struggle you want on a woman but be inspired that inspite of it all, she emerged victorious in her own eyes every time and then again and finally as a Goddess that everyone fell on their feet, crying and begging for forgiveness for ever doubting her.

Tell them the tale of Shakti, her beautiful roop Kaushiki who when spotted by the lake taking a bath mesmerized demons. The asura kings Shumbh Nishumbh laughed and said that such beauty could only be in their possession so they issued orders for her to marry either of them. Kaushiki simply smiled and said "I'll happily marry you. But only if you can defeat me in a battle. I'll only be of a man whose strength is equal to mine." The asura kings laughed louder "Such arrogance for the puny stature of a woman?"

The next thing they knew was duelling with Kaushiki and being killed.

Before the death blow a light emanated and that's when they realized who they had challenged. "Take me home, Mother." they were grateful to be slain by the hands of the ever kind goddess who merely smiled and granted their wish as their souls flew out their bodies.

Tell them the tale of Shakti and how only one Navratri used to celebrated (Ashwina Navratri) but then Ram was in Lanka and he had to rescue his wife. He couldn't find a way because his enemy was being protected by Shiv ji's blessings. The only one who could help him was the Goddess. But he couldn't wait for the next Navratri he didn't have time so he started a fast and worshipped Her for nine days (it later came to be known as Chaitra Navratri) She blessed him with strength and on the tenth day they celebrate Vijay Vijaydashami (Dussehra) when Ram was finally able to conquer evil.

p.s: please don't call yourself conceited and arrogant, dear sakhi. If you were then you would've just attacked his idealogy without the need to understand it. But you're questioning and that means you want to understand it. When we love someone we want to know their actions and why they did what they did which would eventually bring us closer to them. When we question, we learn. And we want to learn about things and people we love, right? :)

Well, Kanha we love like that and he would've never wanted his image to be as a dictator. Rather he'd be so happy and proud that you want to understand and get closer to him <3

I'm grateful to Kanha with all my heart that he picked me as a medium for such a beautiful sakhi soul as you 🙏✨️

[noxiatoxia]

ok i do think ive talked abt this here before maybe ? either way here i go again. i actually do really like hinanami. my top 5 hajime ships (dont make me order them ill kill myself) are hinamiki, komahina, hinanami, kazuhina, and hinadam and i like em all for very very different reasons. and in different ways. but im soooo ngl hinanami is the hardest one for me to explain bc the way i enjoy that ship (and by proxy komahinanami) so soo complicated n nobody i think shares my very weirdly specific idea.

to me. chiaki has aspd. and i wouldnt say is asexual just sex with other ppl is not on her top 20 most important things list. she is aromantic tho. ok this is where the noxia projection stops but to me hinanami is like....hajime maybe gets a crush on her. ok. hes attracted to her bluntness and bc shes an emotionally stunted woman and if youve read up on the hajime lore its clear hajime has some psychosexual freudian thing happening where he is exclusively into women who express the desire/ability to harm or abuse him. so chiaki's being ASPD queen is like. hajime mental illness fetishizer number uno 🇧🇷 and chiaki likes hajime fine enough. hes kind of pathetic to her but its in a cute puppy way. hes easy 2 talk 2 and hang with. and idk i wanr her to dominate him leave me alone. but also i think like longterm this shit would not work out bc hajime would realize oh my god i am turning my trauma into fetishes and chiaki would honestly i think get irritated with hajime at a point like.........hes very emotional and empathetic..........only so mucy of dat she can handle..........so shes like i think we should just be Friends and hajime is hurt but accepts it we move. but in komahinanami chiaki is the friends w/benefits slash cuckchair fujoshi except she doesnt even care abt hajime and komaeda fuckijg she would be playing resident evil in the background. but shes like their support animal they keep around bc she keeps them in fucking check. and sometimes hajime wants to get freaky (WHO CAN BLAME HIM !??!) and komaeda idk he's chill im sure they kiss sometimes maybe if they're bothered enough to. idkkk..........also dr3 isnt canon 2 me for Reasons (froths at mouth) so im just saying this is all based off of sdr2 lads. weesnaw

[madame-bavarian-cream]

AOT characters and music they’d listen to:

feat. Levi, Mikasa, Eren, Jean, Erwin, Hange, Armin, Sasha, Connie

But it’s really specific and not at all based off of people i know 😀 (i never ever do this but it was a thought that wouldnt leave me alone).

Eren: 

i’m sorry am I supposed to believe this dumb mf doesn’t listen to only tiktok songs w/o any awareness of him doing it???? He’ll be like “hey have you heard this new song?” 😄😄and its just an edited version of a song made by the neighbourhood years ago 😕 PLSSS sir diversify your tastes!!! he obsessively listened to that “my money don’t jiggle jiggle” song unironically. Before tiktok, he would only listen to music on that Top50 spotify playlists and the only playlists he had saved outside of it was one mikasa made for him. 😐😐 Also he hasn’t listened to the sza album and thinks the big boys song is on it (keep up 😤😤😤)

Levi:

i was so close to just saying he doesn’t listen to anything “why do u need music when you can just appreciate the silence??” BECAUSE SIR music sounds GOOD!!! 🤨🤨this is why i’d think he’d listen to shit like Kaleo?!?!?! 😭😭😭 idek just something that litterally does not evoke a single emotion . its just like . there . He probably might listen to the lumineers on occasion (ik theyre really good don’t come at me🫣🫣) poor bb would probably like heavy metal if somebody ELSE played it for him (he would never admit to it tho) bc its something Kenny used to play when he was younger but never asked him what kind of music it was to search it up himself. 🥺🥺

Mikasa: 

my sweet girl. :( she is a fiend!! she is a pinchrest, lana del rey, mitski, rina, bjork, tv girl, marina girly thru and thru🤩🤩(im not pulling this from my spotify i sweAR) shes so deadfaced about it. she shits on all those weird coquette girlies tho!! (as she should queen!!!) Never will admit to listening to it tho, and not because she’s embarrassed but because she doesn’t want anyone thinking she relates to the themes/subject matter (bbg why are you lying🥲🥲) But that’s okay because we can consume art critically! 😁😁😀

Jean:

oh dear god. save this white man pls. 😢😢ok okok he actually has pretty good taste in music. hes the type that argues “i love all kinds of music just not country” (but ya know hes singing along to 9 to 5 everytime it plays on shuffle🤭🤭) he’s also very idgaf with the type of music he listens to and for that reason he’ll put you onto amazing artists!!! I feel like he listens to a lot of Omar Apollo, Sega Bodega, Dominic Fike, idkkk. He also listens to A LOT of Brent Faiyaz, the weeknd, and Gunna.😍😍BUTT I also will die on this hill that he used to love Eminem and would memorize all the lyrics (jeanboy is the real slim shady)😙 i luv him, he burns cds for all his friends (yes eren too) but will hand them off so nonchalantly and will be so careful in making the order of the tracks (yes eren too) and everyone will mock him for being so loving (yes eren too). Anyways I headcanon that jean is very very open with giving out all his love to his friends, always hosting everyone (yes eren too), wears his heart on his sleeves, tells his mom every little detail about them, and has the entire checklist for being a good friend down. anyways this isn’t unfortunately a jean post :( i luv him so much actually. also a big radiohead fan for some reason !😝😝

Hange:

I WAS SO EXCITED FOR THIS ONE!!!!!! hange has the best music taste and nobody expects it . (except me duh because i luv hange so so so so much 🤨) hange listens to what spotify categorizes as escape room music on their spotify wrapped. They listen to Eartheater, arca, bjork, coucou chloe, kilo kish, dorian electra, UGH I JUST CANT NOT ARGUE THIS ENOUGH!!! 👹👹hange’s dragging erwin and levi to the concerts and erwin’s grandpa ass is so enthusiastic for no reason (go white man go 🤠🤠) but like thats not all?? they also listen to artists like sevdaliza, florence, caroline polachek!!! HANGE LOVES WOMEN!!!! 😤FKA TWIGS, iamamiwhoami, kelela, kelsey lu :)))))) i feel like hange just loves :( it started out with trying to annoy levi with the weirdest sounding music ever but it turned out,,,,they really liked this kinda music (thx levi) Now he’s stuck with all their car rides consisting of hange whispering eartheater songs in his ear from the passengers seat right next to his ear. (also obsessed with any song they can gather people to dance along with #justdanceking) 🤞🤞

Erwin: 

erwin’s weird. he’s a weirdo. in case ya haven’t noticed. 😭😭 idk why his is so hard to think of??? He’s an unironic Rosalía stan and claims he luvs latina singers!! 😡😡i hate him so much. ok ok ok he’s a mariah carey, whitney houston, beyoncé, fan. He also loves like 2010s girl group music like fifth harmony, little mix, etcetera. 😫He cries to aretha franklin and nina simone. but he also knows the verses to Nicki’s songs :) i love him so much. ❤️

Sasha + Connie: 

they listen to the same music idc idc! Bad bunny, playboi carti, the weeknd. Connie went thru a bart simpson vapor wave/juice wrld phase. 😐😐😐He wouldve still been posting about XXXtentacion if Sasha didn’t smack some sense into him 😠😠(everyone say thank you sasha) Sasha also listens to lots of Britney i havta say! also loved the neighbourhood, arctic monkeys, etc growing up. I luv her so much 🤭🤭

Armin: 

my sweet darling boy grew up listening to emo rock and goth rock growing up. he hid it from everyone tho! instead he listened it to full blast on his headphones for hours at night and thats why today he says “huh.” 😕after every sentence someone says :/ hes grown out of it now but he still can belt out the lyrics to black parade anyday! went crazy over King for a Day bc Kellin Quinn AND Pierce the Veil?!?!?!😳😳 Now he loves screaming along in eren’s ear! 🤪🤪

[jils-things]

JILLLL‼️ TACKLES YOU TO THE GROUND HELLOO... ask game 3, 7, 9, 10, 16 for Mrs. Jaide Stone please 🫶🩷 I know u already ramble a lot abt her and I probably already know almost everything, but I WANNA HEAR U RAMBLE STILL

GOODNESS GRACIOUS THAT IS A LOT. A LOOOOT. you trying to study her like a lil specimen for real and you know what. ill take that because she is nothing short of SMALL DETAILS she is so special to ME THANK U

3. how do the other characters generally feel about your self insert?

let's go with gold first, of course, hehe. gold has witnessed her change a lot, she used to be very playful with gold - rollerskating and skateboarding together in the park. she was not as refined as she is today and she's certainly rough around the edges when she was younger! he loves her for being able to find time to play with him even as an older sister (who can be busy). he's aware that she's changed so much but it doenst change the fact he still knows her deep down and loves her regardless. he's usually very relaxed with her, but he also knows when not to step on the "you are fucked" territory but he still does anyway lol because she will. probably be a little irritated by him HDFJKSAHJSFAHHAA just because theyre close doesnt mean she doesnt drag him out of danger and reprimand all the time 😭😭😭its tough love and big sister energy this is normal.

sapphire ADORES her. she looks up to her, sees her as her guardian and she sometimes goes to her for comfort when it comes to emotions because she's pretty bad at controlling them, especially romantic feelings. jaide sees a lot of herself in sapphire and does her best to counsel her and push her to the right path :3 sapphire picks up wild berries for her!

i wanna mention wallace here because hes so funny to me for being closely connected to steven and ruby ok listen. jaide is like. hoooly shit. you are the flashiest man alive. what the fuck. (<- in her mind). ruby is such a big wallace fan. ruby would go to his mom and go mommmm mom i really look up to wallace i wanna be just like him and his ability to make pkm.n ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. ruby would show her how he looks like and shes like. oh..... ruby youre not gonna dress like that are you (SLASH LH IM REFERRING TO HIS ORAS OUTFIT ITS JUST SO FUNNY TO ME, LOOK IT UP) AND WALLACE IS CLOSE FRIENDS WITH STEVEN SO IMAGINE STEVEN GOING LIKE "honey i have a good friend of mine who has helped me a lot in the past. it would mean a lot to me if you met him too!" AND ITS WALLACE ASDJFAHFKSAGHSDDKJSDGJAS SORRY THIS HAS BEEN A RUNNING JOKE FOR ME I HAD TO MENTION IT. I PROMISE YOU I LIKE WALLACE AND EVEN MORE IN POKEMAS HES SO SWEET ASFSHDFSDJKHSDKJA

7. would any other characters (besides your f/o) have a crush on your self insert?

GOOD GRIEF LITTLE KNOWN FACT ABT ME AHSFDKGFDSGHSA I ALMOST FELL FOR PO.KESPE!BILL (YES THE ONE NERO IS KISSING) HAFSDJGHGDS BUT I RESTRAINED MYSELF LMAOOO so i guess i will associate him with that????? (THEY NEVER EVEN MET. CRACKSHIP TERRITORY LETS GO) i do wonder who would look cute next to madam stone however i would love to hear it sahsfdsajhf (no dont say riley im saving him AEHM) maybe himbos would cute next to her idkkk wiwiw guys help me find a cute crackship HEAUHAHAHAHHAA

9. who are your self insert’s closest friends?

AAIAUAUAUUU PROFESSOR SY.CAMORE!!!!!!!!!! WIWIWIWIWI (MY DAD IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE SHHH) steven has interacted with him in the anime and i loved it smmm huhu and they both have the common interest in mega stones and i think steven would take her with him to ka.los to meet sy.camore and they would get along very well!!! i think s.ycamore would be such a tease abt jaide being steven's wife ahuhuhu and he'd say stuff to make steven embarrassed. "dear jaide, did you know your - heh, husband steven tends to go on a daze when i mention your name? he's so fond of you that he had to bring you all the way here, huh?" and then he chuckles. STEVEN IS GONNA HAVE A WORD WITH HIM LATER 💥💥💥💥💥JAIDE ONLY LEARNED THIS TODAY AND WILL PROBABLY THINK OF THIS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY

can i say maroon hallo 🤓🤓🤓 NO BUT LIKE WWUWWAAA they are definitely best friends in my eyes, theyre both mothers and their son/brother are close with each other!!! how can i ignore that?!?!? maroon would always give her nice pastries for jaide and her family to eat - lots of well wishes from each other and i imagine jaide would occasionally visit ka.nto (since she also goes to jo.hto to say hi to her ma and brother) and they would just find a lot of solidarity with each other <333 heck i can even imagine if gold decided to visit silver and kris at maroon's place and jaide would call her and ask to watch over him wiwiiw JUST. MOMS BEING FRIENDS WWWWWW

10. how do the other characters feel about your self insert and f/o’s relationship?

AFJMSAKLGFSJGHSAFJSDFKSALGAS NUMBER ONE CONTENDER GOLD AGAIN GOTRDAMNIT GOLD WOULD NOT LIKE STEVEN AT FIRST because he thought he was a part of team rocket (he has the money, he wears an all black suit, something all team rock.et members wear, and gold's dumb brain thinking this makes sense to him) HES SO OVERPROTECTIVE TRUST ME ESP IN THE DATING PHASE DUDE WILLGET SO MAD IF JAIDE SAYS SHES GOING TO HO.ENN "no you are not talking to that blue haired kid" (aha reference) but is his complaining gonna stop? no <3 and then they get married and ruby is gold's nephew and now hes crying. whos winning huh? and whos the clown? gold. thank you.

eventually gold does warm up to steven and finds him to be a very fun battling rival,,, also would probably ask for cash because brother in law privilege i guess. LMFAO. yk steven doesnt mind that actually. jaide has told steven about her family so he knows when to be serious with him or not. he's a good man :3

overall i think many would not actually know about steven's love life because he's private about it. only certain people know about it (the dex.holders, jaide's/steven's family and friends, and zinnia unfortunately) steven is protecting her identity and he wants it that way because he's famous in ho.enn for many reasons. especially for the fact that he has a family, he's very protective of ruby because of the past events that occured and he hopes it wont happen again and it wont be exploited. the only tip of the iceberg knowledge that the public would know is that hes married, he has a child, thats all. heck, i bet people think it would be easy to spot steven's child for his classic blue hair BUT PLOT TWIST RUBY INHERITED 90% OF JAIDES DNA

16. freebie! name a fact about your self insert you want everyone to know.

jaide stone almost adopted blake (b.w2) before i settled with ilynne being connected to blake. cant believe nero called him blake stone once 💥💥💥💥 WAHUSAHUHFHSHFHSA

[qweei]

my toxic trait is believing that i could easily take care of and understand autistic children who's parents believe them to be "severe" and "extremely difficult" and completely victimize themselves. bcs why when i watched a autismspeaks video where they interviewed moms of autistic children did i see them handle their meltdowns so shitly like bffr susan why do you think your son isnt calming down when you constantly try to hug him and pick him up when hes distressed and he obviously doesnt want to be grabbed? idkkk crazy thought i knoww

obviously i know it can be tough for a parent to care for their autistic child, raising and caring for children is a handful in general, but it just rubs me so wrong when these parents would rather complain on live television about how much of a burden their autistic child is on them and how hard it is for them when they get "difficult" like how embarrassing it is for them to be outside with their kid when they have a meltdown. idk ever consider how the child might think its embarrassing? how they might watch those interviews in the future and feel like absolute shit? children aren't as dumb as you think they are just because they might not yet be able to verbalize it correctly yet. your just making them want to express their emotions and needs a lot less in the future because theyre afraid of burdening you.

a parent of a neurodivergent child should be allowed to take care of their own mental health, but it shouldn't be done through putting down their child like that and blaming them for everything.

[ramonathinks]

that tiktok expressed my entire emotion in one literally, the sudden hate for maid sama got me mind boggled n mfs was acting like usui was this lunatic who was worser than satan >.>

like nanami can break this kitty open idkkk !! 🫶 need to ride him with my arms tight around his neck n im burying my face against him n his arms are wound around my waist, hands splayed over my back n pulling me toward him as tight as he can, hardly even thrusting just undulating against each other n grinding n trying to get as close as possible bcus we need each other so bad

clit drunk u could say, stupid horny even. my brain literally turns off reading your work, its that good ໒꒰ྀིn ›̥̥̥ ⸝⸝ ‹̥̥ n ꒱ྀི১

i thought it was a hentai n was expecting big bouncing boobies n perked up areolas bouncing about in my screen but i was jumpscared with a flopping lightsaber flopping about. im not into bl stuff aswell, theyre very interesting though o_o

-🎀

literally!! and i been seeing people say it wasn’t good, nostalgia isn’t even playing a factor in me saying it’s GOOD because it’s like one of my favorites everrr.

nanami can do whatever he wants,,, using him for practice until im ready for a real cock (gojo’s) & stop😭 making my blush thank youuu 🙈🙈🙈 BUT YES THEY R interesting 😭 any time i hear of one it’s so crazy, like killing stalking was wild even though it wasn’t exactly a bl

[mellow-worlds]

I have been crying a lot lately. I guess because change is scary, but I don't really know how to describe my emotions.

L isn't here today. I ate with mother and sister. I cried because of my mother today. I decided I won't ever talk to her again, verbally. Never, of course, is an overstatement, I know I'll probably do it soon enough. But it's ok that I'm angry, right? I can hold a grudge? I can be mad at the person who treats me like a child, who never listens to me, who asks me if I've even said anything, who told me to move out when I hadn't even finished school yet, who makes me miserable and feel watched and judged when I'm in the same room with her.

I had this great conversation with L the other day. I love him so dearly. He said it's ok not to be liked and it's ok not to like someone. I think it's ok that I don't like my mother. It's ok that she thinks of me as a child and idk whatever it is she tihnks of me, but it isn't ok that she treats me the way she does. The way I treat her isn't ok, either, but I don't know how to change it, I just can't. I don't want to live with her anymore but I kind of have to and I'm so hurt. Thinking about her sitting in the living room makes me feel awful already. I hate being in the same room as her, I shouldn't have to live in the same house as her. I want to die and I don't want to want to die and I'm just saying that because I am kind of spiralling with my words and me writing this out might make me feel worse about it, but not really, right? It's fgood to air out these emotions. It's ok that I can hear my mother doing things in the kitchen. It's ok if I want to go there to eat something, she won't be there forever. I don't have to listen to her when she doesn't listen to me.

I think I will find a way to be ok. I will move out eventually, right? And living with her right now is temporary, I have dealt with it so long, I can deal with it some more.

I wish L was here so I could tell him about everything. How my mother took us away from our father and our country to then later tell me to go live with him when I was 16, she told me to move out and to get away from her because she couldn't bear seeing me like that. That I once had a conversation with her, actually many, many conversations like that, where she told me about all of my flaws and all the things I do wrong and I kind of collapsed onto the floor because I couldn't handle it anymore. How she treats me like a child and never listens to me. How I still think about if I'm wearing short sleeves around her because she thanked me once for doing so so she could monitor I wasn't cutting myself. How I hate eating in her vicinity because she knows I had an ed and I feel watched. How I feel watched whenever I'm in the same room as her and how I can't act normally around her because she won't treat me normally.

Idk?

Idkkk she doesn't even do that much yet I resent her for everything.

Idk.

I want to tell him about the book my father gifted me where the protagonist's father killed himself and about how my father said it also felt like I had lost him, back then when my mother dragged us away and never gave us a choice.

I want to tell L about how much I hurt but I feel like it's not fair.

I started crying again. I don't want to push down my emotions, but why did I start crying again? I need to feel this,, ig. I feel like I'm wasting my time, Idk what to do. I never did anything and i'll never accomplish anything. Maybe that's somethign I don't need to worry about rn. Maybe all I need to do is grab a btie to eat, ignore my mother, and listen to that song L sent me. I want to do that. I want to feel ok. I think I will.

It's ok if I don't accomplish anything, I am so young. I will eventually, probably, do something I am happy with.

i feel a little bettrer now. its ok that i didnt feel so good.

[honey-tongue]

Just me rambling more thoughts about therapy below. It's complicated

Tbh, early February I spoke with my therapist about my memaw's death because the anniversary was around the corner. I mentioned that I think it changed me socially a bit cause I used to be an outgoing kid that made jokes with kids in my class and then I became way more shy in first grade (the year she passed) and it got worse from there. He just told me that's how kids are sometimes and referenced one of his kids as an example. I don't know if that helps or not but I don't like being dismissed like that :x

Also, early I spoke about how everything is hard because of financial stuff and I can barely get anywhere on my own, etc. he just recommends I walk to a job, then get a cheap car, then grow from there but like... It really ain't that easy as it sounds. As someone that has tried biking to work, it's too damn exhausting, especially with my shitty diet + health. I didn't get into that because I didn't wanna argue and feel stupid or like I was making excuses but ughhhh. I don't know. Like, I'd say therapy and meds has helped me in some regards but I feel like sometimes it's also just hand waving certain problems I'm going through. Like my mom treats me like complete shit at times and I'm supposed to just recognize that's how she deals with her emotions, realize I can't change people's behavior, and let it pass. But holy shit... I feel like that's just telling me to numb myself out to it, which, yes I'd say I'd better than arguing with her, but I don't think that is good for me in the long term. I've dealt with this for too long. I don't like feeling like I can just be a lightning rod for anger and frustration just because she's emotionally immature.

Ughhhhhh.... Like I said, it's helped in some regards, but when I put more thought into it, I don't like how some sessions go. Maybe this is right and I'm wrong though, since he's the one with the education and all. Idkkk.

[maurenislife]

Ive had so many near death experiences that im numb, so living out everyday becomes very surreal like am i even supposed to be on this timeline? That nigga coulda took my life away….. and i wish he did cause now my existence is merely fixture and very much a joke cause im 99% guaranteed to make to tomorrow so people rag on me all day, make me feel inadequate and insecure and feel alone FOR WHAT? I WISH THAT NIGGA BLEW MY HEAD OFF for a infinite rest.

When you live against social norms your gonna be the brute of scrutiny and negativity yet everybody’s copying u and asking you for advice and money and status and up ur asshole but yet slicing it apart with a butcher knife.

Im a INFINITE BUFFET of culture,thought and prowess.

Im smart, im beautiful, im funny, im memorable.

Ive had to echoed to me throughout that im someone of value, how come it dont feel like it. How come it feel like im waking up to put lipstick on a trashcan 💔 like im washing a used car in the shower.

If i didnt have my job like my coworkers dude or my grandma idk what id do fr

Those two things keeping me here, i love my coworkers they are so nice to me like i never had people cook for me or ask me how i am or give me hugs like or care about my family life yanno.

Also idkkk ive been told I played victim my whole life. Whole time i am. Im a victim of sexual assault of emotional abuse and a constant victim of being shown no compassion no empathy nobody.

Its like a arena of people watching you get beat on, with a bloody nose and tears in your eyes, and theres a podium for speakers

“Your playing victim” as somebody watches u get raped at a party ….. yeah that type of shit

U think u can hurt me my mom has paid her dividends in full my baby 😪

Then it be ya friends

Then it be ya nigga who u lay next to

Its like who gone turn against me now?

It make it so i dont want no friends, i dont want a nigga, i dont wanna raise my own family. I dont have a goal or a lifetime achievement i wanna reach, i dont wanna go anywhere fr why plan vacations… why do anything. If there is a consequence leaning around the corner

You hurt and hurt and hurt and nobody kinda cares. It’s hurtful the pple who know u the least want u around, like wow i play a insignificant role in your life u want me alive idkkk that shit weird as fuck. I see why pple just idk they like this life shit backwards fr

[cinn4mon--girl]

i feel so fkn depressed n anxious i wanna do smth to myself scream cry i hate myself so fkn much why am i like thissss i wish i was someone else i hate being me ik ill be better in a few hours but its just exhausting being in this cycle of intense ass mood swings tf u mean one moment im suicide n wanna kms n hurt myself and the other im the happiest mf in the world and feel like the world is great and there's hope and a nice life to live it just never ends my unstable emotions r so fknnn exhaustingggg one moment i feel ike im perfect and deserve everything nice and i feel n look pretty n act nice and funny and playful and cheerful and the other i despise myself like i cant stand me or anything i do n how i look how i think how i feel i literally have no idea why he loves me maybe cus idkkk i wish i could see myself through his eyes and see what he sees :(

damn im back to that part of my life again crying in bathrooms and writing a whole damn essay about my feelings i just feel like im dramatic i feel everything intensly and sometimes i feel cold asf like nothing bothers me no matter how saddening it is it just suckssss everything sucks dude i wanna be normal and feel normal i dont wanna feel like this forever and i wanna be better and do better for him especially cus he deserves so much love and im trying my fucking best but sometimes ur best isnt enough and im scared one day he'll be so fed up from my emotional ass that gets mad and sad for no good reason and i then he feels bad for making me feel that way but its not his fault most of the time its me that takes things into heart suddenly and start acting like a fucking dumbass then when im calm i see the way i acted and feel bad and cringe and childish and dramatic that i felt this way or acted this way like my emotions r supposed to be my problem its not something im allowed to project or get it out on others i disagree asf with stuff like "get all ur anger/saddness out on me" like no u don't deserve that nobody deserves that except me tho from him only lol

[formashimataichi]

Hi do you know why the olive flowers have been showing up with taichi recently? I feel like it has narrative significance beyond his fragrant olive perfume but I dont know what it is thanks

I need to reread the current arc to catch every moment where they've shown up, but at least in terms of them showing up in Chapter 233 as Taichi enters Oumi Jingu, I believe it has to do with his feelings for Chihaya. Osmanthus flowers symbolize true love and faithfulness, and the introduction of the flowers in the chapter is juxtaposed against what Taichi said at the Qualifiers: If Chihaya makes her dream come true, if she does become the Queen, I want to witness that moment from as close as possible. I think they show up to symbolize that he's being true to himself again, as he was in the Qualifiers, about his genuine desire to see her dream be fulfilled regardless of all of the other baggage or her not reciprocating his feelings. We saw him discuss with Chitose a few chapters ago whether loving someone without reward or reciprocation is worth it, and to me the osmanthus flowers showing up is a subtle confirmation of that. He was afraid to go back not only because of doubting his own skills but because he wondered if loving Chihaya just as is was something sustainable that he could bear; and obviously we've had plenty of conversations on this account about whether or not that holds true, but to me at least, his decision to return and his overwhelming happiness at her succeeding is testament enough to the idea that he no longer views loving her as a burden. He's truly free and selfless in doing so now, and he has been before, to clarify! The Qualifiers were a wonderful example of that, as have been plenty of moments prior. But we also know Taichi tends to be a two steps forward, five steps back kind of guy, so to see him get to this point emotionally I think is pretty significant. His insecurities and fears have really weighed him down for years, and we're in the final stages of seeing him break totally free.