#idk. i dont doubt theres some good stuff to be found but i really wish theyd just committed to the concept with new characters | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mister-lady · 4 years ago

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I did fic gmkfkdkfr. And it what, only took me several weeks to write a fic for Dice? Mvgkdkkf. This was still fun and I liked it :3 and sorry if ttheres a lot of typos, I only seemed to be able to write this before I went to bed or before I woke up so it might be a little sloppy fkdkdkdk this was also a lot longer than I intended so ubm,, sorry about that

AU: uhh.. I dont know if theres a proper au name? Store clerk au? Idk but you'll get it cjfms

TW: talk about food, mention of blood, mention of looking like someone got murdered, talk about sharks eating someone

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Matt had a party he was invited too, and for Matt this was a special occasion, so he decided to go out and get some formal wear! He had a few dresses and such at home, but he wanted something with a newer and fresher feeling. Lucky for him, there was a nearby tailor shop that he knew about. He's never been to the tailor shop because he's never really needed anything from the place, so he was a mixture of excitement and nervousness at going. Thankfully for him, the nervousness wasn't too overwhelming this time.

As Matt stepped into the tailor shop, he was quickly hit with the smell of strong perfume- or was it cologne? Either way it was powerful enough to give him a small headache the second he walked it. He couldn't help but notice the small bell that jingled as he walked in, and smiled at the noise. Matt decided to look around, and caught a glimpse of a perfume stand that had it's own counter and shelf to it. Matt could only guess that's what was causing his headache. He couldn't help but also notice how big the store was too. He expected it to be some small tailor shop like the stores you would find inside a mall, but this once mind as well be the mall. He could only imagine how much money this place was gaining to be so big, and the concerned him because that normally ment it was pricey, and Matt wasn't really in the mood to go 50 miles elsewhere because he was a broke sucker. The interior had bright white walls and white floor tiles too, and the lights made the whole place seem to glow, only contributing to his minor headache. Though, it did make sense that they would need good lighting if it was a tailor shop, which seemed to have mini stands inside that sold other stuff, like the perfume one he had spotted earlier. Matt walked further in to get a better look and saw some other people that were presumably with store clerks that were taking their measurements or picking out clothing that would work with them. Matt also noticed that the majority of customers were females, which made him grow a little self conscious and contrary to what the website said, he almost started to doubt if this place had items for more masculine customers like himself. Matt hadn't gotten too far into the store before being abruptly stopped by someone. Matt shrunk a little, the person that stopped him looked rather intimidating, they were wearing mostly black clothing that hugged his body and had a scarf wrapped around his neck even while indoors, and also had a pair of shaded circle glasses that made it harder to see his eyes, again, while also indoors.

"And what brings you here?" The mystery person had asked.

Matt quickly scanned the person for a nametag, and found one on his chest with his name written on it. "Uhmm… I came here to maybe find an outfit for a party I need to go to later?" Matt was debating if he should bother using the person's name, as he wasn't ready to potentially butcher it.

"A party? Tacky; but fine. Come with me I'll help you pick out something." The man waved his hand, signaling Matt to follow him.

"T-tacky??" Matt blurted out before wishing he hadn't spoken up.

"Uhm, yeah. Tacky. We sell things like dresses and suits, not poorly colored and terrible silk clothing for a party no one is going to remember." The person didn't even turn around to face Matt while speaking, and kept walking.

Matt was left speachless, he didn't even know how to respond to that, especially because it was a slightly true statement. After a few minutes of Matt not knowing what to say, and feeling stupidly shy, he decided to at least look around and see if anything caught his eye. Matt didn't realize that the person he was following had stopped, and almost bumped into him.

"Here, stand on this stool." The guy pointed to a small stool that was set infront of a mirror against a wall.

Matt obeyed and stepped onto the stool. He looked at himself in the mirror before quickly looking away for several reasons.

"Stand up straight." The idiot wearing glasses indoors ordered.

Matt quickly shot up and fixed his posture and stretched his arms out straight and was quickly filled with embarrassment. The worker pulled out a tape measurement and quickly started taking Matt's measurements. Matt, like the dork he is, felt his cheeks flush at someones hands being so close to his body, especially when taking measurements for clothing, which that normally required waist and bust measurements. Matt looked away, avoiding eye contact like it would kill him. He was probably making the situation seem worse that it probably was. The worker stood up and put the tape measurement back into his pocket before seeming to think about something.

"Don't you need to write the measurements down?" Matt shyly asked.

"I do this every day as a job, I have it in my head." The worker spoke with a tinge of sass in his voice. "What are you particularly looking for, anyways?"

"Uhm.. well, I was mostly looking for a suit, though I normally don't wear the overcoat with it so maybe just a fine button-up shirt with a tie?" Matt had subconsciously reverted back to being slightly hunched over and his hands were fiddling around with the cuffs of his sleeves.

"I'm sure I can find something for that. Any particular color you're looking for? And what type of tie? Are you allergic to any fabrics? I need all the details."

Matt was overwhelmed by the sudden burst of so many questions and almost immediately blanked on anything he was just asked. "Oh I uh.. I'm not allergic to anything, uhm.. I'm not too picky about color, and I'd prefer a bowtie."

"Very specific, aren't we?" The worker teased.

"Well I don't want to seem too picky, I mean I don't want anything too expensive." Matt stumbled over his words.

"Darling, being picky here is what we need. Lucky for you I'm not someone that just throws anything on you for money."

"Ah yes, how lucky I am." Matt muttered sarcastically.

"So, are you sure you don't have a preference? Becuase I don't want to pick soemthing for you and you go complaining."

"I won't complain!" Matt stubbornly said.

"Fine, fine. You're words not mine." Then he walked off, probably to go and find something for Matt.

Matt couldn't help but think how oddly the place was ran. Matt didn't expect it to be that they pick something for you, he thought it'd be like any normal clothing store, where he could pick out what he wanted to wear. Of course, if a customer pointed out something they liked then the worker would probably get it for them or allow them to look around, but Matt would rather die than speak up like a normal person. Plus, this guy seemed to know what he was doing anyways, so Matt didn't mind too hard. While Matt was thinking about looking around he decided to see what was around him anyways. There was a small jewelry section nearby which probably had necklaces and earrings and chains and bracelets. There were also shelves on either side of Matt, not too close to him, but if he stretched out both of his arms fully, he could probably touch the two shelves. They looked like they would be shoe wrecks, but actually had folded clothing on them. Matt noticed an orange Hawaiian shirt with pineapple print all over it and three white buttons extending down from the collar of the shirt. He couldn't help but giggle as he picked it up, but made sure to not unfold it in the process. I mean, it was a party after all, right? Not some elegant ball. And it's not like a silly pineapple shirt hurt anyone anyways, right? He carefully set it back where he had grabbed it from, and eagerly scanned the shelves for anything else that might catch his interest. Most of the things on the shelves, as for the rest of the store, were all silky material stuff or fancy and were probably meant for more special occasions rather than a party that Matt was going to sit out in the bathroom all night. Yet… something felt different about the clothing on these shelves. Most of the shelves were a beaming white, and only had three or four shelves near the bottom for shoes and some folded pants or socks and stockings, and had hangers at the top for skirts and dresses and shirts and gowns and such. The shelves near Matt were brown and only had folded clothing on it. And Matt just noticed the prices were a lot cheaper too. It was like he found the discount regect section of the store. Though, Matt didn't mind it too much because he found a shirt he liked.

Matt was so lost in thought, he didn't realize his "buddy" had already came back. Matt actually didn't even know until a shirt got tossed at him, causing him to almost drop it. Matt held it up and examined it. It was a green button-up shirt with black buttons. Matt glanced up at the worker, like he was expecting him to say something, which just lead to them kinda blankly looking at eachother for a little bit.

"Well?" The worker prompted.

"Well what?" Matt echoed.

"Do you like it? I found a pastel purple one too, and you could maybe wear brown slacks with them, but I think black would better suit you."

"Well I don't mind it, than sounds fine."

"Don't mind it? We need something you'll love, not just feel neutral towards." The worker said it as if he was offended. "Did anything catch your eye maybe while I was gone?"

Matt hesitated for a moment, and shyly glanced at the pineapple shirt and pointed at it as if he wasn't allowed to touch it.

"Really? That?" The worker questioned and furrowed his brows.

"W-well you did ask…"

"Yeah it's just… theres a reason it's in a separated section from everything else."

"I assumed so, but it's pineapples.."

"But you'll look like a a torrist that got lost."

"Ouch, thanks."

"Look, I'm trying to say it nicely, but you'll look like a complete dork."

"No dorkier than your name."

"Hey! My name is not bad, if anything it's plenty better than whatver yours is."

"I didn't say it was bad! I said it was just dorky." Matt said defensively. "I like dorky things. I am a dork." Matt added.

"Yeah, uh, you do realize normally dork isn't a compliment, right?"

"Emphasis on normally."

"Look, if you like my name I'm not going to complain, alright?"

Matt huffed out a sigh. "I just wanted a shirt how do these situations happen to me."

"Here, I found this too." The worker said and tossed another shirt into Matt's arms.

"Jesus christ." Matt muttered.

"What?"

"Dice- can I call you that? I mean it's your name but..- Anyways, this shirt stinks."

"How? I mean if you think it's bad you don't have a sense of fashion."

"I mean, I don't but…anyone looking at me far away will think I got stabbed."

"And then they come up, see what it really is, and want to try it themselves. It's perfect."

Matt shook his head in silence. The skirt was white, but it had big flowers on it that were a deep red color, making Matt look like someone tried to shank him all over. Matt loved flowers but this was just asking to mess something up.

"If it helps, it's better than your pineapple shirt that you wanted." Dice said, like that was supposed to help somehow.

"If you don't like the pineapple shirt so much, cant I just buy it then?"

"No, I'm trying to save you."

"Save me? The only saving I'll need is from when someone calls the paramedics cause I look like I swam with some sharks."

"Oh yes, because being dressed like a fruit helps. It's not even a floral print it's a pineapple. I don't even need to explain what's wrong with that."

"Do you do this with every customer or?.."

"No, just you."

"Wow"

"Theres so much good clothing in here like suits and dresses and better patterns and nicer clothes and things that compliment you, than some pineapple shirt you can get at a Dollar Tree store."

"Y'know, you almost make me want to thank you."

"Well, you should be thanking me."

"I'm not going to." Matt made sure to say this in a rather playful tone, even though most their conversation had been teasing banter.

"Here, how about we just find something we can both settle on?"

"You're best idea yet. That sounds fine."

"Good." Dice walked off to go and look for something for Matt, but this time Matt decided to follow him as well.

It didn't take long for Dice to spot something and show it to Matt. "Here, how about this?" Dice offered.

Matt recoiled a little bit when it saw it. "It's not bad but..-"

"But?" Dice cut off Matt.

"Well.. it's so scratchy looking!"

Dice looked over Matt as if he was trying to check if Matt was being genuine or not. "You haven't even tried it on yet!!"

Matt timidly reach out a hand and rubbed it across the shirt before cringing back a little bit. "No."

Dice sighed before putting the shirt back and going off the hunt for something else suitable for Matt. Matt glanced around, he felt a little bad and a little afraid that he was being annoying, but he tried to push it away. Matt let in an excited gasp as he spotted something, before scampering off to go and pick it up.

Matt picked it up with a wide grin and held it up to show Dice like he discovered something new.

"That one?" Dice questioned.

"I am not letting you talk me out of this one! It has a space theme and that is final." Matt pointed at the shirt he was holding up, which had stars and planets all over it.

Dice held up a hand to his chin and looked over the shirt like he was considering it. He ended up giving in. "Okay, it's not too bad and I suppose it's better than that pineapple shirt…"

"I don't know what's with you and pineapples but I'll take it!" Matt was beaming and was bouncing on his heels from happiness.

Dice gently took the shirt from Matt's hands and checked for a price tag. Matt frowned a little, he completely forgot that prices were a thing since he was so caught up in his excitement. Dice glanced around and snagged a pair of long purple jeans and handed the clothing to Matt.

"How much will it cost?" Matt asked, almost not wanting to hear the answer.

"....I'll just say fifteen dollars." Dice responded.

"For both?" Matt asked, surprised.

"I want to help you pay for it."

Matt was surprised by the answer. "Are you sure?"

"Mhm."

"Isn't that illegal in a way though?.."

"Maybe if you want to look at it like that, but you're cute so I'm letting it slide."

Matt felt himself get flustered at the comment, whether it was supposed to be flirtatious or not. He decided to not respond and just shake his head in response, though he was pretty sure Dice had noticed anyways.

As Matt ran up to the nearest counter to pay, he couldn't help but feel the need to Wave goodbye to Dice. Things like that happen when you become attached to people after five minutes. Matt was oddly surprised to see Dice wave back but was warmed by the feeling. As Matt ran off to his car so he could try on his clothes sooner, he noticed a small paper hanging out the pocket of the shirt he had just picked out. He grabbed the paper before it could fall out and got deeply flustered and joyous at what was written on it. There was a small drawing of a single die cube, and a phone number written next to it. It didn't take long for Matt to quickly punch the number into his phone and pray it wasn't some rouse. He decided to just send one small message saying "hi :D". Right as Matt went to put his phone back into his pocket, it buzzed signaling he got a new notification. Matt checked it and tensely checked if it was what he was truly hoping for. He read the message so fast he had to read it a second time after not picking up what it had said. It read:

Already texting me right as you just left? Someone's clingy and in love.

Matt sighed and smiled and stuffed his phone back into his pocket. He had a feeling this was going to end up being something he needed to buckle in for, but whether that was necessarily a bad thing? He didn't think it was.

#geez what is wrong with my TW section for a store au- JDJGKFKG #future edit: i scanned over it and my gosh its littered with typos hhh #im too lazy to fix it sorry gkkgkg #:||D #decided to show a bit of my saltiness which u might not see a lot of gngjfjffk #yyeyeyee :D!!!!!💖💖💖

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doctorguilty · 5 years ago

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[[MORE]]

Well I can confidently say the zoloft is making a huge difference because I could have NEVER handled the past 2 work weeks, much less TWO consecutive 11 hour days at all, without having an enormous depressive breakdown like I was having those before like omg remember it wasn't that long ago I was saying like..... "my breakdowns are happening closer and closer together it's becoming too much and I'm scared about how much longer I can go on like this" and just like that... a couple weeks in and it just stopped? Like I had a couple small breakdowns here and there over like specific triggers going on irl, my bpd is still p stirred up, but I've otherwise felt like.... fine ....... like I don't wake up anymore with my FIRST thought of the day being wishing I were dead, I cant remember crying myself to sleep recently either??? Like things have been immensely stressful but mostly I just feel angry about it and I think that anger is just me wanting to change things that are hurting me, if that makes sense, idk, it's hard to put into words...

I just feel. Really good. Like not numb, not even apathetic... like my sadness doesnt feel so consuming, it doesnt rip my mind apart all day and distract me, my brain isnt feeding me an endless stream of in intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and paranoia..... like its not all entirely gone but it's so.. minimal... and I feel like theres more space in me to feel happiness or at least contentment, at always just feeling like things will be okay and not be overwhelmed by hopelessness

My brain isnt suffering from vacancy anymore either I'm still a little fuzzy here and there but mostly my thought streams are all there making me feel creative and internally mentally stimulated! Omg it was genuinely SO scary at first because like.. the first week or so? I literally lost the ability to imagine anything in my minds eye, like I couldn't see pictures in my head anymore and I was so unimaginably scared beyond words like how can i do my art or even just LIVE without that... but I wanted to give it time and not bail right away... so when the psychiatrist followed up with me I told her about that like, how my mind was empty and it was scaring me and she said like, it needs some time to balance out dont worry, practice filling the void with positive things, so that's what I did ...... like what I do is I would like, try to pull up memories of stuff in my like, my brain art files i had been thinking about for a while like I would listen to a song I had drawn out some story board thumbnails for and be like , ok man remember you know what this should look like, right? And just try to imagine the scenes because they were things I saw in my mind before! It was really really hard at first like... it was weird I really dont know how to describe it but over time it came back to me all very naturally and it was so comforting at the time cause being able to picture stuff I had before made me optimistic my mind wasnt like, damaged .... anyway now I'm back to normal and I can imagine whatever again on cue like, (imagines fern fortnight dancing) yep it's all working up there

SO yeah it was... quite an experience but it seems the worst of the side effects are over and its making me feel better and I'm really really glad about that, I definitely had my doubts in fact like, I barely know anyone at all who found success with the first anti depressant they tried????? But that's how lamictal was for me too as the first thing I ever started taking like....... whack...... my mood stabilized my depression anti my meat huge

I'm defs sticking with this so long as nothing suddenly changes or goes wrong in fact I dont know if I'll even bother going up on the dose when they talk to me about that because I feel like that was my one mistake with lamictal, a prescriber haphazardly upped me even though I'd been on the same dosage for years and I honestly dont know if that was a good idea and I wasnt even in a mental place where I could be self advocating (which only makes it worse he did that???) So this time I'm handling this in a "if it ain't broken dont fix it" way and right now I feel less broken than I ever have in my life

#seth speaks #looonnggg ramble about med stuff #its positive #d0 not r3bl0g

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citialiin · 5 years ago

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ZIGGY ✰ STARDUST

i jacked this from @cardinalrot. thank you dad. tagging: @gothsic ; @blossomingbeelzebug ; @betelguide ; @thatcertainnight ; @prophesyed ; you, specifically, reading this.

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬

FULL NAME. [ redacted ] * NICKNAME. ziggy GENDER. agender (he/him or they/them) / typically presents as a “man” for simplicity’s sake and also because he doesn’t care enough to think about it for more than 4 seconds HEIGHT. 5′10″ AGE. 26 (earth years) ZODIAC. ??? (he wasn’t born under our stars ... so .......) SPOKEN LANGUAGES. any/all (he doesn’t really know them, though, he uses an internal translator)

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬

HAIR COLOR. bright red, seemingly unnatural -- but it’s natural EYE COLOR. left pale blue, right black SKIN TONE. very, very, very pale BODY TYPE. skinny. very skinny/slender/svelte. willowy and tall and bony. good for looking waifish on magazine covers but bad for lifting even vaguely heavy objects. VOICE. posh, nasally, low, the slightest bit condescending. speaks with an english accent despite not being english, let alone human. drawls his vowels and enunciates his letters. his voice is strangely clear and bright when he sings, unlike his somewhat unpleasant speaking tone, and he tends to sing in higher pitches than his speaking voice. DOMINANT HAND. ambidextrous -- but he can only play the guitar left handed POSTURE. very straight and proper, holds his head high and his shoulders square. uncertain if it’s height alone or if he really is looking down upon you. SCARS. small incision in the back of his neck where the translator was placed. barely there and usually covered by a collar or his hair, anyways. TATTOOS. none BIRTHMARKS. a large yellow disc on his forehead, rimmed with a slightly darker yellow/bronze with the slightest hint of a chromatic shift affect due to reflecting/light catching pigment in skin cells. this isn’t unique to him, however, as every member of his race has it. has the tiniest hint of a freckle above his lip, on the left side, and he hates it and wishes he could nuke it off his face. both of these are usually covered, anyways. MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S). the circular mark, his unusual eyes, his sharp features, his bright hair. everything about him is weird and outlandish and strange, but it helps him maintain a striking, marketable image.

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝

PLACE OF BIRTH. far away. HOMETOWN. faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away. SIBLINGS. [ grabs the steering wheel and veers straight into worldbuilding headcanon territory ] the society he comes from is no longer sexually dimorphic and typically doesn’t reproduce the natural way. having evolved far beyond such icky things, they use genetic samples from large swaths of the population to make consistent batches of new individuals -- the genetic samples are screened for defects and aberrations and sort of tossed together into a genome salad, and out comes however many individuals they need to fill in gaps in the population. there’s a lot of consistency in his species due to this: everyone has reddish hair, everyone has heterochromia, everyone is about the same height, etc. so technically, he’s related to everyone in his “batch.” PARENTS. he wouldn’t ever know -- a lot of people, probably

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢��𝐞

OCCUPATION. rockstar -- cultural icon -- celebrity -- musician -- singer -- model -- jerk CURRENT RESIDENCE. london, LA, NYC, but he’s constantly moving and tours quite often CLOSE FRIENDS. few and far in between -- he’s friends with his drummer who is named priscilla but usually goes by the stage name WEIRD, as well as siddharth, his bassist, who goes by sid in his personal life but GILLY on stage. they were the first two humans to encounter him and taught him everything he knows, from how to tie his shoes (aliens wear boots, and you should know this) to the C major scale -- because they are among the few humans who know his secret, he views them as his closest and dearest friends. his stardom isolates him from them, just a little -- he likes the spotlight but they don’t mind just being “the drummer” and “the bassist.” they don’t quite have the star power that he does. his manager -- tama ahinariki, some guy from new zealand who seemed to bumble his way into becoming in charge of one of the most successful musicians of the decade -- also knows he’s an alien, but they tend to be more business partners than close friends. tama is more interested in the money side of things whereas priscilla and sid are only interested in the music. ziggy has stock in the music, money, and his personal brand.

via rp, he’s made some friends with other characters! a few. very few. RELATIONSHIP STATUS. single -- he intends to stay that way. he gets all the action he could ever need from his legion of devoted fans and groupies. even in situations where he’s romantically involved and emotionally invested, he would never consider himself exclusive or monogamous. a lot of tabloids make rumors that he’s involved with cardinal copia, fellow rock icon, but he tends to be sneaky at hiding any time they spent together. it’s hard to keep things private when you’re both massively popular public figures, though. he goes out of his way to be sure no one knows about his predilection for spending time with thomas, because the last thing an awkward alien in disguise needs is a lot of public attention because people think you’re dating a celebrity (who they don’t know is also an alien). he hangs around annie a lot, too, but this is extra extra under wraps, because annie has a stalker named jonathan who may or may not go apeshit and try to tear his head off or something if he finds out. FINANCIAL STATUS. filthy rich. should be guillotined. DRIVER’S LICENSE. doesn’t have one. he has some paperwork, somewhere, with a “real” name and all that, but he has no idea where it is and lets his manager deal with that stuff. CRIMINAL RECORD. none ! clean slate. that doesn’t mean he doesn’t do illegal things, though. he just doesn’t get caught. VICES. smoking, drinking, la cocaina, sex, impulsive spendng, rockstar stuff.

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞

SEXUAL ORIENTATION. bisexual. PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch | top | bottom | verse. this doesn’t really come up in rp because i dont write nsfw. the way i view it is that he’s lazy and would rather you take care of him than the other way around LIBIDO. pretty high, but it’s difficult for him to have as much sex as he might prefer because, uh, he has, uh, alien..............parts...........and stuff ..... like ....... some parts down there look different ....... so he’s stuck having sex with usually in the dark, under sheets, and he has to zip his pants up really quick afterwards. maybe it’s a little bit hilarious and i just think it’s funny idk LOVE LANGUAGE. selflessness (which is big, for him, king of all douchebags and lord selfish dickhead the third), rambling to you about his day, physical affection, gifts, letting you see him without make up, opening up to you about his life before earth. he might play you music, sing to you or write you songs if he’s feeling particularly sappy. this is stuff reserved for people that he finds himself incredibly romantically/emotionally attached to, though, not the people he has one night stands with. and he almost never forms any sort of lasting attachment to the people he sleeps with casually. RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES. he tends to fall for people who challenge him in some way, who aren’t easily beguiled by his status and physical looks, but who aren’t outright mean to him. that being said, he is very vain, and he loves being showered in compliments, praise or attention. he matches well with people who can put up with his antics and moodiness and odd behavior. he likes the idea of being someone’s muse or someone’s idol, so he finds himself drawn to other creative types. he has the most intimate/special connections with other nonhuman beings, especially other aliens, cuz he feels like they Get him and he wouldn’t be really giving himself in his fullest form if he had to still play pretend that he was a human being. for whatever reason he goes apeshit for goth guys/dudes with black hair who wear a lot of black. he really doesn’t like people who are too much like him, because HE’S HIM, and you’re YOU, and he really wants it to stay that way. GET OUT OF MY DRESSING ROOM

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG. there’s a whole album about him .......... theres a song called “ziggy stardust” ....... HOBBIES TO PASS TIME. singing, music, writing -- he lives for that shid. he likes art in all forms, so he reads, watches movies, looks at paintings -- he has a lot of human culture to catch up on, and he loves all of it, from any time period and any culture. he also likes buying things, shopping, looking nice, gossip. he tends to be a party animal (party alien?) and often indulges in more hedonistic fun. LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED. his brain is not structured like a human brain. also, head empty. no thoughts. FEARS. being perceived as ugly or untalented, being outed as an alien, being rejected for being an alien, becoming a nobody, losing his social status, becoming a conformist, becoming “outdated” or “uncool” SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL. somehow sky high and on the floor at the same time. he usually thinks he can do anything and he’s pretty perfect, but that may just be from a solid few years of repeating that to himself and empty praise given by people who are just crazy obsessed with him -- he built his confidence level on a very shaky foundation, so it’s easy to start making him doubt himself and panic if you know what to criticize him on VULNERABILITIES. a lot of things, and im sick of typing

* pay me 100000 USD to unlock my LEVEL 20 ZIGGY STARDUST LORE pack now with NAMING/TITLE INFORMATION, HOME PLANET CLIMATE/WEATHER PATTERNS and PAST OCCUPATION/EDUCATION information. includes a piece of gum i found on the floor.

#ooc #meme #I'm so close 2 being done with finals just like one more week i turn in terrible project after terrible project #i am typing this as i wait for a group member to send me the first five pages of our cumulative 10 page essay. i hate him. i hate him.#why is he taking so long. i need to write this thing.#but after that i will go back to what i need to do ...#i run this account like a shitty ship careening into rocks #but i will go down with it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#KEEP YOUR 'LECTRIC EYE ON ME ; queue

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chimcharstar · 5 years ago

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Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

#zee5tarbug #asks #chatty tag #I DID IT

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beatconductor-blog · 6 years ago

Text

😎 : hey ara 😎 : you there 😎 : how are you 😎 : especially after the whole yanno 😎 : fog stuff 😎 : sry that i didnt come asking earlier stuffs been a bit hectic

AA: im 0kay i rec0vered fr0m my death nicely AA: h0w are y0u th0ugh AA: i see theres hmmm...tr0uble 0n the strider fr0nt

😎 : oh man you had dead shit in yours too 😎 : oh that 😎 : yeah

AA: i was the dead shit AA: but n0w im n0t anym0re! s0 its 0kay AA: i imagine y0u didnt have a great time with the f0g either

😎 : oh shit really 😎 : is it really okay 😎 : well uh 😎 : yeah

AA: as 0kay as it can be AA: the experience did leave me shaken AA: and i cant quite AA: get it 0ut 0f ny head just yet AA: but thats 0kay t00

😎 : doesnt sound okay but i know what you mean

AA: yeah

😎 : man 😎 : everything is a major fuck 😎 : hey how do i stop feeling guilty about everything again

AA: by reminding y0urself n0t everything is y0ur fault?

😎 : i mean 😎 : i know that bc this is all just a little to big 😎 : just 😎 : fuck

AA: this is ab0ut y0ur br0ther isnt it

😎 : pmuch yeah

AA: and his relati0nship t0 my br0ther

😎 : well yeah 😎 : and the fact that i dont know where either is rn 😎 : and im kinda really scared about sock

AA: y0u d0nt kn0w at all? AA: i th0ught dad is with him

😎 : he was 😎 : fuck sorry i dont want t oscare you too

AA: im n0t AA: if hes n0t with him anym0re dad is g0ing t0 find him

😎 : im sure he will 😎 : but i dont think sock will be so fine after this 😎 : all because he found that photo fuck

AA: im n0t sure what y0u mean AA: but s0ck will be 0kay t00 even if it takes time

😎 : i mean youre probably right like you always are but 😎 : fuck 😎 : this wait is the worst 😎 : but i dont know what to do

AA: l00k AA: y0u are giving me very little inf0rmati0n t0 w0rk with here

😎 : well shit sorry tbh i lost track of what you do and dont know because i know i talk a lot of bs at all times 😎 : we had the topic of sock being a dave just like me before right

AA: yes AA: his br0ther ad0pted y0u yes?

😎 : and yanno the bro that just popped up 😎 : yea that

AA: and n0w hes back

😎 : yep

AA: thats as far as i g0t it

😎 : and well hes a whole bigger mess than me thats gotta tell you a lot already 😎 : but without getting into the nasty details 😎 : hes been hella nasty to sock way back 😎 : which increasingly complicates things 😎 : to put very absolutely mildly

AA: d0 y0u think he w0uld lay his hands 0n him

😎 : honestly idk 😎 : i know that he doesnt actually want to hurt sock 😎 : and he thinks itll all be just fine and all that shit 😎 : but the result is a totally nother question

AA: hm AA: he s0unds very selfish

😎: that 😎 : is a pretty good judgement

AA: i hear i can be quite g00d at that

😎 : so what do i do

AA: n0t much y0u can d0 AA: check in 0n s0ck as s00n as y0u can?

😎 : i guess

AA: are y0u still g0ing t0 stay with y0ur br0?

😎 : idk

AA: i d0nt kn0w if i like the th0ught 0f y0u staying with a man like that AA: but even m0re imp0rtantly... d0 y0u like that idea?

😎 : honestly cant blame you 😎 : idk i mean i can handle him 😎 : hes still family and also my boss 😎 : just wish hed listen to me

AA: can y0u really th0ugh c0nsidering y0ur relati0nship with s0ck

😎 : thats the tough one 😎 : but when im here i could keep an eye on him

AA: d0 y0u really want t0?

😎 : why u gotta make me think so much about this stuff 😎 : yeah

AA: yeah y0u want t0 stay?

😎 : i know it sounds stupid

AA: depends 0n y0ur reas0ns

😎 : well for starters i grew up with him 😎 : he took me in and took care of me and i guess i kinda for some reason care about him 😎 : and I didnt get to talk much with him yet but its different 😎 : i think hes trying to be better 😎 : of course hearing about sock threw him off big time i mean imagine hearing your lil brother is alive after like fifteen years 😎 : and losing his second brother would kinda suck big time 😎 : i mean dont get me wrong i wish he didnt just run off thats still a mega shitty and stupid thing to do 😎 : aw man what am i even talking 😎 : i just wish i knew where they are right now

AA: i mean if he treated y0u better it makes perfect sense f0r y0u t0 feel that way

😎 : does it 😎 : i mean 😎 : i know how sock thinks about him 😎 : and shit thats not a good feeling 😎 : but i cant just drop everything here

AA: it d0es AA: its 0kay if y0u d0nt want t0 AA: just kn0w that its an 0pti0n if y0u ever want t0 take it y0u kn0w? AA: y0u d0nt have t0 stay with him AA: and y0u d0nt have t0 leave either AA: its y0ur decisi0n

😎 : fuck 😎 : im feeling like the fucking worst either way

AA: d0nt feel bad bef0re y0u even talked t0 s0ck ab0ut it AA: thats y0ur main c0ncern right?

😎 : yeah

AA: let him decide if he hurts 0ver that 0kay?

😎 : i guess

AA: als0 let me hug y0u s0metime s00n maybe

😎 : yeah honestly that would be really nice

AA: im s0rry t0 hear things have been r0ugh f0r y0u again AA: always in tr0uble arent y0u? AA: catch a break with me f0r 0nce

😎 : i think thats just the strider genes

AA: that seems highly p0ssible yes

😎 : yanno what 😎 : anyone trying to sell you that striders are cool is a liar 😎 : being a strider kinda sucks and i want my money back

AA: y0u are the 0ne trying t0 sell me that AA: wheres MY m0ney dave AA: my children they are starving

😎 : okay but you knew the truth right from the start so who tricked who here

AA: why id never ever trick y0u dave

😎 : doubt

AA: y0u hurt my feelings

😎 : shit 😎 : sorry

AA: 0n0

😎 : no you know what 😎 : i actually absolutely trust you

AA: i think y0u are c00l dave

😎 : i think i dont trust you anymore

AA: y0u are very c00lici0us dave!

😎 : now youre just trying to sweettalk me im seeing through your plans

AA: maybe s0

#logs

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angeljonghyun · 7 years ago

Text

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

#personal #longpost #negative #tw:suicide #tw:death

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saintkimora · 8 years ago

Text

ok, here is part 2 of the relationship stuff that happened from thursday to today. its taken so long bc ive been so tired w work and my emotions and stuff so i just havent had the energy but now i do. again caleb i would prefer if you didnt read this but i cant really stop you so just do what you want i guess

so i left off w the confrontation in the middle of a field. so i asked caleb a question i was like “be honest, did you cheat on me?” and i told him about how leeann told me he reinstalled grindr a few weeks ago and met this new guy who is named ray. caleb told me his side of the story. it was that he reinstalled grindr just to reconnect w some of his old friends. i asked why he didnt just have their phone numbers already but he said he doesnt give out his phone number that easily. so the grindr part was resolved, his justification made sense. i would have preferred if he just told me when he did it though bc if he just told me in the first place that he reinstalled grindr to talk to old friends i prob wouldve been ok with it, the fact that he hid it was what seemed shady to me

then his explanation of hooking up w a guy before he picked me up to resolve our issue on tuesday night. so it turns out he was actually hanging out w a friend from grindr named dan and they just hung out and played video games. i believed him. leeann said she had just assumed he was hooking up w him so in this case calebs story was acceptable. i mean caleb never offered to play video games with me smh but whatever idc if all they did was play video games im fine w that, i dont want to be stereotypical and say that two gay guys cant just be friends and hang out so i accept his story with dan

but then i found out about ray. ray was a guy that he just met on grindr that he was talking to and was interested in. that part hurt. he said he never met up w him in person though so that was good. i asked about how leeann said he compared me and ray and like highlighted all my personality flaws and he confirmed that yes, that conversation did happen :( he said the flaws he brought up were the same ones he said to me on our tuesday night talk, that i had no work ethic, no real goals, etc. idk why he thinks im just some flop bc i do have clear goals in life since ive literally been set on being a doctor since like 11th grade. i dont want to be a doctor tbh but its still my goal so its not like im just aimless. anyways idk it upset me a lot that he was like weighing the options between me and ray bc ive never like compared him to another guy. he admitted he was wrong talking to ray though and he apologized so i appreciate that he knows he was wrong to do that

so that was p much it. basically leeann didnt really have ALL of her facts straight. i was still unhappy w what he told me obviously but he apologized and thats whats most important to me tbh. after that i felt a lot better, bc my breathing was kinda labored the entire day bc i was so nervous so my breathing returned to normal and my appetite returned

so then the rest of the date was nice. we picked up his friend brian so it was the 4 of us and we got tutti frutti. leeann stayed in the car so it just the 3 of us sitting there eating it but then something a little unsettling happened. i was just sitting there enjoying the company and enjoying the snack and brian was like “you could cut the tension with a knife” and we were like theres no tension and brian was like “nvm...awkward silence is the right term” and that really caught me off guard. like i was just sitting there relaxing and enjoying myself and i didnt even know i was being awkward. like it just really reaffirmed how i feel like so disconnected from most people like not to be like “im so special and different” but i really do feel like i dont fit in like i dont know how to interact with people except for on a very surface level and so even though he didnt know it, brians little comment really affected me and made me feel really alone and isolated

so then we went to the boardwalk and it was cold but nice. again i dont do very well in groups but it was alright. it was like a huge burden off my shoulders knowing that i had resolved things with caleb, or so i thought

so that was on thursday. i havent seen him since but we have been texting and talking on the phone and stuff. it seems the issues havent been completely resolved. im still not really sure what exactly we are fighting about but im p sure we can get through it. like i just had some questions left to be answered

for example, his explanation and leeanns explanations werent adding up about ray. like leeanns message made it seem like he was talking about her to ray on monday, which means that he was talking to ray by monday the latest. but he said he didnt talk to ray until after he broke up w me, which was on tuesday. i asked him and he said leeann just had her days mixed up. it is certainly possible that leeann did have her days mixed up. but kim told me she thinks hes still lying bc he doesnt wanna admit that he was talking to ray before he ended things with me. it is v possible that im kinda blinded by love which is why i have kim, so she can kinda keep me grounded, just like idil and peter do. but overall im choosing to believe caleb bc ive already told him i just want him to be honest w me and i dont think he would be so disrespectful to just continue to lie to me

and like im still trying to process everything. tonight he said that if i bring this stuff up to him one more time past tonight hes just gonna walk away and i dont want that to happen so i guess we are done discussing these issues. he sent me a really nice text last night and he was v nice in person on thursday but he can also get kinda hostile and mean over text, such as in his texts to me tonight. i dont know if he means to come off like this, which is why i wish we could stop discussing serious things over text and save them for when we are in person

so yeah, basically, on thursday we fixed most of the issue but i still had some doubts but after tonight i dont really think i have any. i still really care for him which i why i hate having drama with him and i feel bad bc i feel like i keep dragging it bc every time i think our relationship is fixed but then another new question creeps into my mind and i have to ask which leads to drama. so i feel like i just keep ruining everything but i dont know how to stop and it just sucks

#personal #so thats it! a lot has happened #i did my best to show both sides of the story w this so i hope it doesnt look like im trying to paint him as the villain

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ahnamission-blog · 7 years ago

Text

the truth

im supposed to stay strong, maybe im supposed to say nothing. it’s odd because i can rant and type and talk about anything but when it comes to you its a different story. i doubt you’ll ever even read this, but in the rare case you did- i would hope i had taken the chance, taken a risk to actually put out there what you mean to me. you will know exactly who you are if you ever read this, there could never be another you. the truth is im scared right now, even typing behind a computer screen, wondering if you could hear this, wondering if you heard all of this. i just want you to know i did it all for you, and i would do it all again. im still holding back, i guess this is what they talk about when i read all those inspirational quotes (and yes im procrastinating) those quotes that say, your life begins at the end of your comfort zone. well talking about you, or to you, or the possibility that you could hear or read this is definitely way past my comfort zone so i figure, i have nothing to lose. i already lost you being in my life, even as a friend. and im 29, everything has changed....life completely changed and its been a massive, overwhelming blessing to know this all wasn’t in vain and to know that im part of something bigger than myself and to know that you helped me learn so much and see past the blinders i had on. and i can never repay you for that. and the truth is, even though this path has been hard, trying, lonely, confusing at times and ultimately life changing...., honestly earth shattering in some parts of it, to learn that the majority of my existence was a lie and a sham, that i was the last to know everything, that at 29 im just starting to see what reality is...and all these people say im so green to it- im thankful to know it finally, the curiosity was within me for a reason and you gave me the truth i needed, you gave me my life, but when i found out....it wasn’t my life, it was a lie- but then to learn that you were always the truth....and that now i have the chance to actually live, and love, and choose kindness rather than anger like you always did for me, and be a good person, and try to help wake people up - just trying to do something that extends beyond myself. ....despite all the ups and downs of all of it, and this unconditional love that my heart feels for yours, and the fact that you have someone else and the fact that i am truly happy for you as long as you’re happy because truly that’s all that matters to me is that you are happy. i would do it all again in an instant, no questions asked (this time), no matter what this world sees or thinks or perceives us as can never take away the fact that you were the one real thing that existed in my life- and i lost you, because of myself. i was selfish, unkind and so crazy. you helped me through the darkest parts of my life and myself, my mind could not comprehend what my heart was experiencing from you. i had been in relationships for a decade, long term and they always failed, i was always chasing something that wasn’t meant to be and then outta nowhere there was you and you were and are to this day the kindest and best person i ever knew. but, through the darkest parts of myself...the parts i didnt even know existed- you stayed through those. for some reason, you did. my family didn’t even stay through those, relationships i had put years into didnt stay through it....friends i had known since i was 7 didnt stay through that shit. but you did. you should know undoubtedly you are and were the best thing that happened to me, and there hasn’t been one day since meeting you that i have went without you in my mind. after knowing you, i didn’t honestly care what happened to me, i fell back to what broke me and let it break me even worse- i just needed something, anything to avoid the reality that i fucked up and lost my best friend. the fact that you weren’t in my life anymore was - well, it still leaves me speechless. i know you want space, i dont want to disrespect your wishes, but something is different about today, actualizing that i could have died that day- what would i want to say? i would tell you all of this, that youre the best person i ever met, that i dont know why you stayed with me, that i am so thankful that you fought to teach me to love myself, im so thankful for everything you taught me, the power of now, reincarnation and twin flames and soul mates and you started my soul on this journey that i cant get enough of, i only wish you were part of it. this is my most vulnerable, this is the real me and this is my heart and its still yours like its been since the first time you drove on that blunt cruise and i looked over at you and for the first time in almost a decade i felt safe and comfortable with a man, and you were just so different. and i never thought you would ever see beauty in me. i have written poems, endless diary entries about you. your eyes. and just your presence, i wonder what youre like now. i wonder if you still play the dijiridoo, if you moved, if youre happy, if you like your job whatever it is, how your family is, if you still wanna be a shaman, if you can hear all this, if this consciousness is really real and im actually not batshit crazy, if were twin flames, if you care, if you don’t. if you’re listening, if you’re sick of hearing me talk if you can hear this at all. i hope youre still happy and silly and fun and living a life you absolutely love. i hope everything is working out for you and that the universe has blessed you with all the happiness you deserve. i wonder if you have these intense dreams and what it all means, i wish i could just listen to you and learn like it used to be. i hope its not weird to say things about relationships its just that i say it out of context, like “wow i spent blah blah years with so & so and in 2 months this guy (you) had me completely unraveled, wrapped around your finger” i can honestly say i never loved anyone the way i loved you, i only wish that maybe i could have shown my insecurity as that, my inability to accept true love because i didnt think i deserved it, rather than driving you up a wall. but i honestly hope you are happy now. i miss you, more than i ever knew i could miss anyone. but once again, you are just you and always take me by surprise. idk i guess i was just hoping after all this stuff thats happened that we were meant to be together, star crossed lovers and that you could look in my eyes again and it would just be like it was when we were laying down in your bed and you looked at me and asked me if i ever felt this way before and i said no and we just kissed and it was indescribeable, like home. and i just miss you so much, it feels like the best part of me is gone. and i would give anything.....its like the better half of me is just somewhere out on this earth and just knowing you exist and youre out there, i feel so lost without you. and this is where people say or think oh you’re substituting someone else for a deficit of self love but its not true. i love myself. and i love you, unconditionally. i love you unconditionally and there is no condition in which i couldnt love you or wouldnt, there is nothing you could do or say that would make it not be so. it is, what it is and it will always be there and as long as you are a happy man my heart is happy that yours has found contentment. though i miss you more than there are stars in the skies and grains of sands in the ocean, there is nothing that is more important to me than your happiness and i wish we were in each others lives so i could look in your eyes and say that all to you, that i am so endebted for all you taught me and gave to me, and that you’re such a strong person and i look up to you so much and im sorry i wasnt better and i was so broken and i never meant to hurt you or anyone at all, but especially you when all you did was try to fix me. im so sorry i went back to him, it was idiotic and theres no logic to it. but all i ever have done since you is compare everyone to you and no one has come close. i wish you were here, i wish we could text like that one day when the car was stranded and you were so nice still. and you always are. but i am just so surprised because i just thought we were a perfect fit and i just thought we were just destined to find each others eyes again in a crowd and that we would be like those songs that say climbing every wall to find you and all those songs you gave me that helped me through all the hardest nights, and i dont know what im doing but i hope im doing an ok job and i hope its helping and making a difference. and i wonder how long you knew about all this stuff when we were together and i knew about none of it, the left side and the right side and all the lies, and all the pain and the boundaries of the mind and spirit we have to surpass. and my life has changed 180 degrees since you and i just wish you could be here to share it with me, even as friends and just give you the biggest hug because youre such a wonderful person. and so many people think im crazy and mentally disordered and all of these things just for loving you or caring at all or not giving up. should i give up? because ive been trying to fear not, and keep calm and carry on and the best is yet to come and saying all these positive quotes and stuff, because its like honestly duolingo is the best part of my day and how do you make me laugh when im so down and how do you always know the exact right song i need and all those basshunter songs and the CD you made and all the time you put into the description of each song and just smiling as i read it and looking over at you and you were just snoozing. and just being at lisas and waking you up because i was afraid of ghosts and you were angry and a little grump but you got your little bag of some prescription drug manual that was like pocket sized and was grumbling in the car and upset but you went with me to make me happy and you were just the sweetest thing in the entire universe and the wine and the roses and i just didnt think all of this could have so many deeper meanings and the synchronicities and im always in these dreams trying to find my way back to you and there was that dream and you were a phoenix. i miss you. i am so sorry i hurt you. i am so sorry i was so stupid and reckless with your heart when you never were with mine, i just dont understand why things are this way right now what about liesl and po and all the bunnies and all the stuff you help me see and all the random times you hop around and do things and then youre gone again and then i thought we were finding our way back to each other and then you have a girlfriend and i just was beside myself and took sleep medicine and i know attachment is like something were not supposed to be having or doing or i should be evolving past it but dont we love each other like more than all of this bullshit thats around us? i mean i tried to stab myself to get home to you because i thought that was what was happening, and then im still here and the light playing when the phone was underwater when i was going to stab myself in the bath and im not trying to guilt trip you or say you owe me anythjing but i just thought loki and mia. pepper. hops. tortuga. conejo. mi corozon. was i wrong? was this all in my head? did i just make a fool of myself to wake up the world and end up alone? idk cuz i guess then at least other people are happy and awakened and get a chance to find love and someone who completes them and i mean that. i would be happy for them. but its just all thats been happening this past year,all the dog comments and fat jokes and stabs at my weight, or my face, or an animal comment or the sloppy joe comments or the cupof joe commetns or the half price book comments and im just fighting for us, im fighting for you, i would do anything for you, i would die for you. am i supposed to live for you or something like in the joker and harley quinn thing when he says wuld you die for me, no no no thats too easy, would you live for me? and she says yes and jumps in the ACME bowl of random goo or something. what am i supposed to be doing? because im trying to do whatever my purpose is but i have no idea what that is and i thought because of duolingo that you were like maybe into me or something or maybe just messing with my head but asking me to play along so you could get peoples attention and wake them up and all this stuff but i dont know youre a really confusing person and idk, i just wish we were talking thats all. i was so happy to talk to you in the at&t store and i told you i still love you and you never replied and i was just wondering what you thought about that and then we started talking when i got a new number and then you went away again and im not trying to be disrespectful of your requests and im kinda over tired and maybe this is sounding over needy or selfish or annoying or like a broken record or something that makes you feel like you cant be free or like im trying to force something but its just that arturo was like, its like he was you in a different form. and then angie and it was like you were there and i dont let anyone see me like this but you and now everyone knows and its like have they always heard? did they just hear us through everything? when were intimate? in duolingo? in prayers? when we or you wanna play? has the whole world or all the awakened people just heard everything thats between us and idk now youre with somebody else? i just dont know i was hoping you would think i was pretty or interesting or have some reason to look my way or take a second thought that i might be different and changed and actually good for you or something. but its like you helped me through everything, and the stabbing and everything changed after that and all the noises in that big tv and i dont care what they think they already think im a loose cannon or some schizophrenic biatch who needs to be put in a padded room but its like ive been in the hospital 4 times and like isnt that because we share dual consciousness or something? duality? like the something masculine and feminine, the divine feminine and masculine. and all the stuff about twin flames and soul mates and the incense and the candles lighting up and the songs adding to the play list and the rift in the space time continnuum and all the people on bikes down lake shore drive and all the music that night and the power of now adding more pages and all the visitors of moths and signs and synchronicity and the left sided people and the right sided people and like how i wrote all those things but it wasnt me it was like you or something and then you fuck with me sometimes and i dont know if youre just using me to wake people up or youre hoping i trust you or the universe or something but im sorry that im such a neaurotic and paranoid person and am so used to being fucked over and talked badly about and talked down to and i expect lies and to have my own back. but to be honest i have no idea what im doing all i know is i thought i would stab myself and we would meet in heaven or something but im still here and theres all these signs of you around but youre not here and does your family still hate m? i have changed. i hope youll give me a chance one day or something even as friends and im sorry this is so long its way longer than i meant to go and youre probably annoyed or asleep or upset that i didnt respect your wishes to leave you be because a friendship just wont work out and isnt worth it to you right now but - where did you go. whrerever you are i hope its better than my life, i tried to start over but it seems so many people hate me or are rude to me from my past and im scared to meet new people because most of them seem to already have some idea of who i am or think im an asshole when all these thoughts just barrage my brain and i cant control half of them but they’re all mean cruel judgments and i feel like im disappearing into one big collective ocean and my little wave is just a little itty bitty dude and hes about to just become this massive ocean and i dont know which way is up without you. i miss you. i wish you would give me a chance to see im different. i wish you could come over to the apartment and i would make you bacon and just listen to you or something and we could just cuddle and be close and look into each others eyes and be happy because the worst is over and we can finally be free and be ourselves and be together and know all the songs really were for us and we made it and we won because we got each other. i dont know why youre not here, im sorryi try to be strong but i miss you and your eyes and your feets and the song screenshots and our late convos and making love in random places and you bringing me a dandelion and sharing headphones on a hill and even our stupid fights and you throwing your phone at the computer chair cuz of snapchat and kara saying we have to find better things to fight about, idk its stupid but i would rather fight with you then be with anyone else. but i would never fight with you. idk. maybe i said too much but i gotta have a backbone and post this because everyones already heard it and this can affect more than us and maybe in some weird way this will help wake people up idk all i know is my left and right sides of my body seem at war and i love you.

0 notes

chimcharstar · 4 years ago

Note

ANSWER 1 THROUGH 65 HO

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

WPOOOOO LETS GO

Y E E T

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

nnnnooooooo. its called holding onto my last marble.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

1. sometimes i can freak myself out going to the bathroom at night but bro. i take walks at like 11pm or whenever the hell i please. and i LIKE IT.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

i would not care to meet dick face

4. What is your favorite word?

worm

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

well darn i dont really knowwww!!!!!!! the big jungle one from minecraft. but i love weeping willows of course.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i didnt think

7. What shirt are you wearing?

my pyjama shirt from new vegas. las vegas. oh my god. not that i went there. my friend did. ive been wearing it for 3 days now. because its fine.

8. What do you label yourself as?

androgynouOOUUSSSSSSS i heard it described the most accurately for me as “in between blue and pink, purple is a blend while not being either of them.” yes this SPECIFICALLY. i could never be feminine while female presenting, but now that im usually read as masculine i go around seeming gay as fuck. and even though this sounds like heresy considering how i instinctively want to throat punch people who feminize me, i have comfortably considered myself a woman lately ONLYYYYYYYY BY being as butch as a butch can possibly butch. maybe without the cars. i would NEVER go by she/her NEVER NEVER NEVER. like there literally are butch women who go on T and use he/him pronouns. that brings me euphoria too and i find people reallllyyyyyy get mind-bent at this point. i really also get irritated at the idea that identifying with both lessens one or the other... thats why i like the purple thing so much. like im 100% of the thing. i was watching on queer eye, once, there was this part where all these women met up and one of them who was really masculine was saying how “a woman can look like this too” and i was like “i am probably crying for an important reason right now” and sometimes i feel attraction to women that is nOT of the ManTM just... i can do what i want.

but my point is it’s like im only happy if i have a blend. theres even a particular quality of it i can put my finger on, like a rugged, handsome feel... and then a flamboyant, passionate feel... mix em all up...

9. Bright room or dark room?

BRIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

transition juice, or fucking around with cs paint with some gentle existential dread

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

this one, because my life is not hell, and i know a few basics about adulting now

12. Who told you they loved you last?

the sister. i said it for damage control because she had blown a fuse the other day. i was being very fake on purpose because i’m not being vulnerable with someone who will blow up. when she says it all i feel is pain. like cold paralyzing needles in my soul. i cant say i love you to her and mean it, even if i want to. honestly i wish people would say this to me. the most i love yous i remember are from family members putting band aids on the wreckage of our relationships, so i can feel a little twang of guilt and longing for what could have been and should have been. and feel like i should be doing something more. and feeling awkward because you both know they fucked up and it’s the elephant in the room. and i can feel their confusion and sickness causing them pain, feeling that pain for them.

13. Your worst enemy?

hmmm. anyone who made me feel like less than i am. anyone

14. What is your current desktop picture?

cherry blossoms and a city at night that i stole off the internet

15. Do you like someone?

like like crushes right? i fucking wish. i am so god damn sick of myself. i dont feel fuck or shit for anyone. its a fucking wasteland. yes im on T so i want to fuck anything that moves. and yet? can i please have some feelings? please may i have some feelings? not aesthetic appreciation. not moral, personality appreciation. or even just a deep respect and compassion. these are all fine things of course. but cant someone just drive me crazy? cant i have that extra spice of life? cant i just have a little bit of happy crazy? i will know a perfectly lovely person and ill WANT to have feelings for them. but i FUCKEN DONT. I DONT!!!! SHIT!!!!! WHAT IS THE MEANIGN?!?!??!??!?!1 i have fucking YET to meet anyone im more obsessed with than some really gay ocs. come on universe!!!! bring it!!! poor oscar. poor fucking oscar. whatever wavelength im vibing on man you are not on it. i wish you were on it. i wish you were on it oscar. you are hot you are hot with your bike oscar. and the rose quartz i gave you. the rose quartz you wanted. but i feel no authentic electric connection to you. i feel like all i just see is how your brain works with a coolheaded certainty. all i do is analyze what you are wearing so i can be as hot as you. maybe id like to draw you. and girls from work. you are so beautiful and amazing. i see you in bikinis on instagram. and im like oh beauty standards. look at you go, adhering to them. my heart rate goes right along at the same old pace. dont tell me this is principles. does someone have to smell bad? like edward cullen?? CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST SEDUCE ME?!!!?? ID LOVE SOME EXTRA WILL TO LIVE! THEN MY STORIES WILL BE BETTER!!!! see this is the whole problem

16. The last song you listened to?

what am i to you by finn the human or actually that asgore fight song that i do not know the context of and dont want to until i play the game for myself

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

i would save this button for a karen.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

jk rowling. every time i see her face in a news article about why her bland new transphobia anvil book is pretty bland without addressing the raging transphobia in it and around it, i take a minute and contemplate shoving a pie in her face, and agonizing that i cannot do it from this distance.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

a... slave? is this a kink thing? im fucking laughing this is going to be so honest. probably a toxic person from my past i have unresolved sexual tension with, especially since i was in my abused kid shell and was a huge doormat so now im all vengeful with issues. since this is totally something i am open to considering right now i would like to browse this concept’s menu

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

yknow what? yknow what? i am just going to say all of me. i am feeling very body positive right now. i often feel isolated as fuck because of trans stuff and male body standards, but thats Also What Makes Me Special :) i like me, i like my face, i think i am very cool and unique, and i can walk fast.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

GOD DAMN IT THIS FUCKING QUESTION AGAIN

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

yes. but it’s a secret.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

deep sea creatures. idk. even if its small and not even ugly. i just lose my fucking mind. i jump out of my chair. i get the heebies and the jeebies.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

okay. chicken. cheese. something spicy so it wont be boring. a fuck ton of veggies so i can be healthy. and some olives, fuck olive haters.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

IM GOING TO GIVE IT TO MY LANDLORD <3

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

mexico city to see what all my friends are talking about.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

............................................................................

w h y

okay. i would go around tasting a bunch of fucking. really fancy old wines. listen i dont really drink okay. but with a very fancy old wine i can go around with a like, glass and look really sophisticated and tell gay things to gay people. hello boys. so id find one that strategically i would like the most for the rest of my life and choose it. and if its expensive i can sell it.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i would stick a bell in the middle of it and all of us have to go there at six o’clock and throw bread at each other and fuck.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

cunt. i dont really use it ever, but boy it can pack a punch!

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

that means my trees because theyre living things? good. my phone. i need it to function. everything else i have on the clouds and i can just write on a napkin if i really need.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wanna say nothing because the good and the bad made me who i am and all that. and they’re learning experiences and healthy stuff. but some of my sisters abuse that has destroyed my psyche, literally just ruined my life, it would make things easier if that hadnt happened.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

WHAT I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS LIFE STOP TELL ME HOW I GET THERE

Okay i’m moving to... greece and i’m going to study ancient greek everything and live right on the edge of the sea where the water’s lapping the doorsteps. and im gonna learn greek by immersion

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

i am not surprised whatsoever death is a cool entity.

probably someone who died really sadly and too soon in my life (no one close to me thank god) but just as a service to society

34. What was your last dream about?

wolves with bombs were chasing me around a giant university. it was all part of the game. i was trying to protect some people... soldiers were chasing me... i was hiding under the floor... hiding from authorities and war are VERY common dreams for me

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

Writer? Yes. am i saying that to sound full of myself? no. i am fighting very hard to maintain some self-confidence. i have done some writing recently and i am proud as fuck of myself. i caught myself thinking, “now that was banging, i know that was banging.” and so i just admitted it to myself.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

nooooot reeeaaaalllyyyyyy. i went in an ambulance for my face swelling up! still dont know if i needed to. still think i was allergic to the person i was talking to at the time. seriously when i stopped talking to them the hives went away. they literally gave me hives sdjfnskjndsjknfkjsfnjskdnfdsjknfjknf

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

they have inuyashas on them

39. What type of music do you like?

dark, longing, aching, angry, raw, disappointed, serious, low songs that get intense as fuck.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises for the concept, sunsets for the looks

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

you know what? i dont really like milkshakes. they dont feel good in my tummy even if it’s not my stomach having a fucking meltdown.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

the fuck is football

43. Do you have any scars?

yes, most of them are from dermatillomania, two big cool-looking ones on my hands from touching a cookie sheet without an oven mitt and pouring microwaved coffee all over my thumb because literally every inch of the counter had a foot of dishes on it and i didn’t simply heat up the water normally because everything was dirty

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

i want to be a psychologist and an author

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

id like a dong please

46. Are you reliable?

yeeeeeesssssss...... but the adhd wins sometimes

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

future self: even if you’re in a worse off place than where i am right now, don’t regret anything, don’t beat yourself up. sometimes it’s realistic to have hope. you don’t have to be hard on yourself all the time just because it’s familiar and natural to you. so stop thinking “if i see a note from my past self ill be filled with rueful self awareness”

48. Do you hold grudges?

yes. i feel like im saving my soul a little and taking some power back when i am able to say “that hurt, that was wrong, and you don’t get access to me anymore, i don’t have to forgive you” it’s admitting that my own pain is real so i can listen to and protect myself. i wish i was more of a forgiving person but i spent too much time trying to forgive unorganically for the sake of being moral that i just can’t, can’t can’t now. it hurts so existentially and i deserve better. time for me to be mean and hold grudges. a little mean is okay.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

a DOG CAT????????

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

“doesn’t having a human-shaped robot with smoke coming out of it in the corner of your shop scare you late at night?”

“yes, sometimes i see it and jump a little”

51. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i’m dedicated. getting my birth certificate back? oscar worthy

52. How long could you go without talking?

i live like this lmao

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

once upon a time i had bangs. and a bob cut

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

yes bitch

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

yes bitch i can do a convincing british accent but i don’t want to broadcast that fact because being british is cringe and plus my name is gordon and im already trans and interested in cooking and my greatest fear is that people think i am trying to become him when i am deeply offended when people assume i make personal decisions for anyone other than myself. no one has ever actually voiced this theory to me but it haunts me late at night. i can honestly probably do any accent if i listen to it for a little bit. i find it very easy to imitate sounds and like individual speaking styles to the point of stealing them even when i dont want to. like actually this is something that just comes to me easily i think.

56. What do you like on your toast?

fuck toast. i make a grill cheese. cheese and garlic.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

i tried digitally painting a generic girl who ended up looking really simliar to someone i went to school with only i made the eyes way too small and i would show you except it’s too much work

58. What would be you dream car?

vw bug with giant monster wheels, black with flames, big booming stereo. eyelashes in a drag way. ill run pickup trucks off the road

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

i sang in the shower back when i felt free to annoy everyone in the house. oH WAIT IT DOESNT ANNOY PEOPLE WHO ARE KIND TO ME

...........

they taught me i was annoying. ANYWAY. i am too shy to sing in the shower but id love to. i dont really do anything unusual except that i take really long in there but yknow im not actually doing what people think im doing when i take long. im literally just sitting there decomposing, head empty.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yes, of course, i have been telling everyone theres water under mars since day one and now look. now look

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

yes. im a sagittarius and clearly it is needed because CLEARLY theres no other fucking sagittariuses

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

G, because my name starts with that and i’m just great. really, i like... it has a chonk to it. like a reliable chonk to it

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

YKNOW WHAT? im going with dragons because of the fantasy, fire breathing and so on but yknow for my wip i was going to have both dragons and dinosaurs at a reptile like shelter

64. What do you think about babies?

i think they should be loved and nurtured, but they are too much work for me to want for myself at this point of life, and you should definitely read some manuals before having one if you can because people can and do mess this the fuck up

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

you didn’t ask anything here so im just going to tell you something. i am going to tell you that i have always been so hell bent on writing even when i hate it because sometimes when things are going well i feel like i am just so in another world and i feel like im doing something im really really supposed to do. it is such a euphoria and it has an effect on my whole aura. i really wish i had never made myself stop but we can’t change the past so i shall just have to never stop again.

THANKS HOOOOO

#chatty #notthecanadianaverage #bug

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