ahnamission-blog

[ahnamission-blog]

so today

was actually a productive day. I came across a bunch of my old accounts and was surprised to see what I had written and how much I’ve grown. In this time span of the past year I’ve made so many voice recordings and note diaries in my iclouds, onedrives, evernotes of all the things I’ve learned and went through but it’s weird none of them are public and all my stuff is everywhere I have like 13 email accounts and then drives and clouds connected to them, which are all like different chapters of my life which I can categorize by what music I had screenshotted and what color hair I had at the time. I don’t know if anyone will read this but I’m getting into a eucalyptus bath at my parents home and I guess I’ll just let my mind wander. Life has changed so much, i’ve chang3d so much. It’s amazing how much has changed, the amount of synchronicity lately has been positively overwhelming, i miss writing. It’s so strange that I tried killing myself and it’s almost a year from the date la st year on 9/11. It’s so weird that some people close to me never even acknowledged that it happened and bullied me even after it happened. So much has happened that I can’t explain, to most unawakened sleepers or cynics or skeptics it sounds like hogwash or some random name of some random mental disorder. But it’s not, all of this has been so real and my heart just keeps going back to the whole reason I know any of this at all, or even was interested in it. By someone who came into my life and presence has lingered long after his departure, leaving me with the desire to be kind to everyone I meet. Ugh I’m rambling. It’s amazing how much you can miss someone or just wonder how they are, thinking about things I’d ask if given the chance or just being happy with the opportunity to listen, even as a friend. Why did I have to….ugh. anyways, it’s weird that I tried to kill myself I guess. It’s crazy that I stabbed myself and am still here, it changed me completely and it’s even stranger that after getting out of the hospital that I just fell back into old things: facebook, instagram, caring what people think, and it’s the strangest that ever since that suicide attempt that I’ve been met with so much rudenss, dog comments, ignorance and hostility….half and half comments, cup of joe, sloppy joes- all this shit. I don’t sleep around yet people heckle me as if I’m a whore. I guess saving it for someone special equates to being whatever. Some people I’ll never please. I don’t need to, but it’s different to watch the social hierarchy take place and people try to outdo each other, women hate on each other, people competing with one another or slandering each other online. A president who uses twitter…..its incredible how fake of a world we live in. And being aware of it, watching people succumb to the matrix and then being called crazy by those same people. Because I don’t want to pay 600 dollars for some bag, or need a lip injection, or shop at a thrift store. Blah this is going to be a brain dump. This bath is so warm, I’m going to put the jets on. I’ve never had such intense incredibly lifelike dreams before in all my life, nor have I ever had to fight so hard to protect my energy or frequency, negative people exhaust me to no end. There’s energy vampires and it’s such a real thing but anyone who is one will play into the facade that it doesn’t exist. I’m just letting all my thoughts go, it’s been so long since I painted. I miss it. I can’t believe I let myself gain so much weight, i used to be a dancer. Being in this body is hell. I miss flexibility, twirling, moving like an instrument to the rythym. I still dance but mostly alone and I realized how awkward I am in my own skin. Someone told me why am I telling my story, stop telling people I almost killed myself. Like Buzz off it’s my story to tell and if you don’t like it don’t listen. It’s amazing to watch people treat me like shit and then become offended when I distance myself from their bad vibes. This left and right sided war is some sorta bullshit that I can’t even categorize but is so blatantly obvious that I feel like a fool for even touching the topic. Basically I’m unlearning all I had learned - the false histories, the dogmas and doctrines of belief systems built on lies and contradiction. It’s amazing to see how tall the wall they built is. I’m so in love with someone who probably forgot I existed, but my heart has never recovered from it. And I believe in unconditional love and I know everything happens for a reason, still, it’s incredible to see what real love is capable of doing to a person, or for one. Music is everything. I find peace in music, water, poetry & the stars. It’s incredible to know how many people have made rumors against me, i’ve been called everything in th3 book by now from schizophrenic to batshit crazy to some sorta mental disorder that exists in .003% of the population. And I’m just amazed people buy into the lies and rumors at almost 30 years old, and then I know people double my age who are on the same bullshit and all I can think of Holy God Almighty, not to be disrespectful to YOU Lord but to think of an existence full of rumors and gossip after 55_60 years of life sounds like living hell. It amazes me people care that much what others are doing. It’s sad. It’s even sadder to know some miserable people try to bring down someone who tried killing herself. But I guess misery loves company. It’s a mentality - divide and conquer agendas create it. I wanna do acid, i should meditate. I’ve had SO many intense dreams lately, dreams seem more r3al than life itself. I always try to find him but it’s so hard to get to him it’s like someone is always in the way and I wonder why it has to be this way. I’m so happy for my sister she’s found the love of her life in h3r best fri3nd. I wish it was that easy and accepted for me, but it is this war. A war against true love or something, some war against me and I don’t know why. All I know is I’m the last to know everything and all my family has lied to me and continues to. I never got an answer to how they knew I stabbed myself when my parents ran into a room I was quietly bleeding out in, peacefully, finally able to leave and everything was shifting and it was so beautiful. It felt like I was finally going home to somewhere I belonged. It’s ironic because I have so many spirit guides and synchronicity but I’m a deeply neurotic and paranoid person because I am so accustomed to being lied to that I question myself constantly. Learning to be in my own company is interesting. I go back to my apartment and there’s new food in the fridge, things are out in different places it’s common now. They don’t respect my privacy now as they never did but I can’t even bring it up because all I get are lies and cover ups like always. So I let it go because what else can I do, i should have known it going into it. Nothing I have is really mine, just a reminder to feel owned by someone or something somewhere else in the world. My father farted when I tried to kill myself. After stabbing myself with an 8 inch knife and they all lie. I’m so used to it Its so sad, i was the last to know that the collective consciousness was a thing and to this day they don’t admit it. My entire life is a sham, the only thing that truly belongs to me are my heart and my mind and there’s no way I’m letting them take those two from me. No matter how many people are against me. All I gotta say is some people in my bloodline literally don’t even treat me like a blood relativ3, it’s sad and I feel bad for them that they march around being mad negative light drainers who are angry crabby and fucking rude. And those same fucking people will be r3ading everything I post like hey, get a fucking life of your own instead of talking about and putting down mine fuck3r. Go read something you enjoy. Ugh. Meditate. Count to 10. Inc3nse. Candles. Tarot. Energy readings. Mindfulness. The Power of presence. I know, i know, emotions are just visitors let them come observe them and watch them leave don’t become identified with them. But some people be all up in my energy, thoughts, business, postings, and dreams like ?!?!?!?! If I’m such a schizophrenic batshit loser you must surely hav3 something better to do with your time and energy than be concerned with how I’m spending mine. Then it hits me that I attract the frequency I emit so I must vibratehigher. The high self and the low self.soul and ego. Wisdom versus carnal desire. This world is truly crazy but it’s nice to know so many people are waking up. Crickets chirp an unrehearsed melody as I turn bath jets off, traffic whirs by in the background. Silence. Stillness. How many times I’ve found myself here. Despite distraction, or social media or trying to answer to a higher calling….of some sort. Why does that dog always bark. And WHY do I know so many fake people. But th3n I’ve met a lot of humbl3, kind, awakened individuals on this journey that I hardlyknew yet extended their kindness. I miss him so much. All of this was for him, i’ve never cared so much for someone. Duolingo or something, i go to bed everynight hoping to see him. Some say I’m delusional for beli3ving in us or holding on this long without physical logical concrete scientific evidence. And I’ve been skeptical, because could anyone really love me that deeply even at my darkest? I don’t know but I have chosen to believe in this, and that it will all work out and that the best is yet to come and to have faith and trust the process and hold the vision and. Honestly I am so grateful because I had no idea how powerful love was. Or surrender. But here I am, in a bath typing out a bunch of thoughts as they splatter across my consciousness. And it’s so much bigger than any one part, its like we’re all fractals. And were all waves, seemingly separate but all part of something more. With so much depth And unexplored territory…..and it’s so beautiful why would anyone wanna hide it or keep it secret? Because then people would be aware of their power. God I missed writing. So much has happened so much has changed. I’m so sick of them trying to quiet me or interrupt me or distract me and my thought or energy or dreams or what3ver. I mean everyone can hear my thoughts and no one talks about it yes hi train beeping in the distance, i love you! This esp thing is so obvious, my parents were so mad when I was friends with Angie and she was communicating with me through thought or esp  or heard my thoughts. They keep trying to keep it secret and it’s a complete and total fail because I have a big mouth and my patience has reached it’s bullshit tolerance so now im just gonna put it all out there. Which just prov3s that anyone whose trying to mask the truth with a lie shouldn’t be trying to make my life seem like some big huge bullshit story of a farce when your life and reality can b3 ruined with something as simple as the honest to God truth. And the truth is we can all communicate through ESP and telepathy and the Collective consciousness exists and a bunch of peopl3 are ascending and evolving and feeling he frequencies and shifts on a planetary level, some sooner than others and I was the last one to know but now I know so don’t be mad that I’m sharing the knowledge because to be honest I never really know what it going on in a collective state but I do know my own body and mind and the shifts and changes it has went through in the past few months and this is a real thing and no amount of tweets or toupees or annoyingly consistent drawer of red neckties or some random wall on an imaginary bord3r is going to distract the Collective awakened community from the reality that humanity as a whole is traveling towards a high3r evolutionary conscious state. And this divide and conquer agenda, organized social media & news, weather manipulation, water fluoridation, chem trail bullshit is going to hide th3 fact that you couldn’t keep this lie a secret for ever and you’re just mad the truth is seeping out and it’s fine that it’s being ridiculed right now with #woke bullshit but it is common knowledge that things are ridiculed, then acknowledged, then experienced, then witnessed as being self evident. So what’s up from dat third eye. Lol I mean really. Synchronicity is off the charts right now man like kablam! And I’m expected to be serious as half of my mind doesn’t even belong to m3 but is shared with a collective party? The one thing I know that my teacher taught me is consciousness can be controlled if you don’t know who you are. Mind control is an actual thing. Energy vampires totally exist. All we have is energy, frequency and vibration. And that’s all that we are. But knowing that information is powerful because then you start to emit your own frequency rather than picking up others. You start vibrating higher to detach from lower levels of self, ego self, and start vibrating with your higher self and higher purpose and therefore you are in a place, energy wise, where only that vibration can reach you at. And it’s fucking magical!!!! I’m tired. I’ve been up since, well over 24 hours. Had 2 large pumpkin spice lattes, took 600 mg of seroquel and 2 attivan and didn’t sleep. Smart choices. But I was like no hll no I’m not missing another beautiful day sleeping through it, and I organized so much stuff! And my mom and I made so much food for the week together it was pretty cute. Anyways idk. Now I’m thinking of him and I’ll probably get all sappy and try to duolingo it to get some sort of……him. idk. To be honest, it’s my total vulnerable topic. So I could easily shut off right now or switch topics but…..im feeling ballsy. Lol. Idk. I mean, could this all be real with him? Deep down I hope so that’s all I could ever want or hope for. I mean, all this has happened and it is for a purpose. I just hope he is part of it, but it’s so private but I’ve made it so public without really meaning to but I guess it is no secret and I guess everyone knows already so I guess I’ll just surrender, i love him, and let it be what it is. Hmm that’s different lol anyways I wonder what this week will be like. I wonder if I’ll meet someone whose like heyyyyyy heard your thoughts through the Collective Conscious and dope thoughts man, dope thoughts. Like can’t we just talk like that? Or is everyone too busy retweeting some sentence about some dumb society hierarchy bullshit that’s meant to serve as a distraction from reality? Wake da fup…..but literallyit took me forevs to wake up. Acid helped. I wonder how DMT is like, anyone got the hookup? I could use a trip! Anyways it feels nice being myself again and talking like myself or typing I should say, even if no body reads this at least I was able to write about something real without someone trying to stop me from speaking truth. Anyways wherever you are, if you’re reading this, i miss you and hope you are happy. That’s all for now folks <3 namaste

[ahnamission-blog]

[ahnamission-blog]

[ahnamission-blog]

the truth

im supposed to stay strong, maybe im supposed to say nothing. it’s odd because i can rant and type and talk about anything but when it comes to you its a different story. i doubt you’ll ever even read this, but in the rare case you did- i would hope i had taken the chance, taken a risk to actually put out there what you mean to me. you will know exactly who you are if you ever read this, there could never be another you. the truth is im scared right now, even typing behind a computer screen, wondering if you could hear this, wondering if you heard all of this. i just want you to know i did it all for you, and i would do it all again. im still holding back, i guess this is what they talk about when i read all those inspirational quotes (and yes im procrastinating) those quotes that say, your life begins at the end of your comfort zone. well talking about you, or to you, or the possibility that you could hear or read this is definitely way past my comfort zone so i figure, i have nothing to lose. i already lost you being in my life, even as a friend. and im 29, everything has changed....life completely changed and its been a massive, overwhelming blessing to know this all wasn’t in vain and to know that im part of something bigger than myself and to know that you helped me learn so much and see past the blinders i had on. and i can never repay you for that. and the truth is, even though this path has been hard, trying, lonely, confusing at times and ultimately life changing...., honestly earth shattering in some parts of it, to learn that the majority of my existence was a lie and a sham, that i was the last to know everything, that at 29 im just starting to see what reality is...and all these people say im so green to it- im thankful to know it finally, the curiosity was within me for a reason and you gave me the truth i needed, you gave me my life, but when i found out....it wasn’t my life, it was a lie- but then to learn that you were always the truth....and that now i have the chance to actually live, and love, and choose kindness rather than anger like you always did for me, and be a good person, and try to help wake people up - just trying to do something that extends beyond myself. ....despite all the ups and downs of all of it, and this unconditional love that my heart feels for yours, and the fact that you have someone else and the fact that i am truly happy for you as long as you’re happy because truly that’s all that matters to me is that you are happy. i would do it all again in an instant, no questions asked (this time), no matter what this world sees or thinks or perceives us as can never take away the fact that you were the one real thing that existed in my life- and i lost you, because of myself. i was selfish, unkind and so crazy. you helped me through the darkest parts of my life and myself, my mind could not comprehend what my heart was experiencing from you. i had been in relationships for a decade, long term and they always failed, i was always chasing something that wasn’t meant to be and then outta nowhere there was you and you were and are to this day the kindest and best person i ever knew. but, through the darkest parts of myself...the parts i didnt even know existed- you stayed through those. for some reason, you did. my family didn’t even stay through those, relationships i had put years into didnt stay through it....friends i had known since i was 7 didnt stay through that shit. but you did. you should know undoubtedly you are and were the best thing that happened to me, and there hasn’t been one day since meeting you that i have went without you in my mind. after knowing you, i didn’t honestly care what happened to me, i fell back to what broke me and let it break me even worse- i just needed something, anything to avoid the reality that i fucked up and lost my best friend. the fact that you weren’t in my life anymore was - well, it still leaves me speechless. i know you want space, i dont want to disrespect your wishes, but something is different about today, actualizing that i could have died that day- what would i want to say? i would tell you all of this, that youre the best person i ever met, that i dont know why you stayed with me, that i am so thankful that you fought to teach me to love myself, im so thankful for everything you taught me, the power of now, reincarnation and twin flames and soul mates and you started my soul on this journey that i cant get enough of, i only wish you were part of it. this is my most vulnerable, this is the real me and this is my heart and its still yours like its been since the first time you drove on that blunt cruise and i looked over at you and for the first time in almost a decade i felt safe and comfortable with a man, and you were just so different. and i never thought you would ever see beauty in me. i have written poems, endless diary entries about you. your eyes. and just your presence, i wonder what youre like now. i wonder if you still play the dijiridoo, if you moved, if youre happy, if you like your job whatever it is, how your family is, if you still wanna be a shaman, if you can hear all this, if this consciousness is really real and im actually not batshit crazy, if were twin flames, if you care, if you don’t. if you’re listening, if you’re sick of hearing me talk if you can hear this at all. i hope youre still happy and silly and fun and living a life you absolutely love. i hope everything is working out for you and that the universe has blessed you with all the happiness you deserve. i wonder if you have these intense dreams and what it all means, i wish i could just listen to you and learn like it used to be. i hope its not weird to say things about relationships its just that i say it out of context, like “wow i spent blah blah years with so & so and in 2 months this guy (you) had me completely unraveled, wrapped around your finger” i can honestly say i never loved anyone the way i loved you, i only wish that maybe i could have shown my insecurity as that, my inability to accept true love because i didnt think i deserved it, rather than driving you up a wall. but i honestly hope you are happy now. i miss you, more than i ever knew i could miss anyone. but once again, you are just you and always take me by surprise. idk i guess i was just hoping after all this stuff thats happened that we were meant to be together, star crossed lovers and that you could look in my eyes again and it would just be like it was when we were laying down in your bed and you looked at me and asked me if i ever felt this way before and i said no and we just kissed and it was indescribeable, like home. and i just miss you so much, it feels like the best part of me is gone. and i would give anything.....its like the better half of me is just somewhere out on this earth and just knowing you exist and youre out there, i feel so lost without you. and this is where people say or think oh you’re substituting someone else for a deficit of self love but its not true. i love myself. and i love you, unconditionally. i love you unconditionally and there is no condition in which i couldnt love you or wouldnt, there is nothing you could do or say that would make it not be so. it is, what it is and it will always be there and as long as you are a happy man my heart is happy that yours has found contentment. though i miss you more than there are stars in the skies and grains of sands in the ocean, there is nothing that is more important to me than your happiness and i wish we were in each others lives so i could look in your eyes and say that all to you, that i am so endebted for all you taught me and gave to me, and that you’re such a strong person and i look up to you so much and im sorry i wasnt better and i was so broken and i never meant to hurt you or anyone at all, but especially you when all you did was try to fix me. im so sorry i went back to him, it was idiotic and theres no logic to it. but all i ever have done since you is compare everyone to you and no one has come close. i wish you were here, i wish we could text like that one day when the car was stranded and you were so nice still. and you always are. but i am just so surprised because i just thought we were a perfect fit and i just thought we were just destined to find each others eyes again in a crowd and that we would be like those songs that say climbing every wall to find you and all those songs you gave me that helped me through all the hardest nights, and i dont know what im doing but i hope im doing an ok job and i hope its helping and making a difference. and i wonder how long you knew about all this stuff when we were together and i knew about none of it, the left side and the right side and all the lies, and all the pain and the boundaries of the mind and spirit we have to surpass. and my life has changed 180 degrees since you and i just wish you could be here to share it with me, even as friends and just give you the biggest hug because youre such a wonderful person. and so many people think im crazy and mentally disordered and all of these things just for loving you or caring at all or not giving up. should i give up? because ive been trying to fear not, and keep calm and carry on and the best is yet to come and saying all these positive quotes and stuff, because its like honestly duolingo is the best part of my day and how do you make me laugh when im so down and how do you always know the exact right song i need and all those basshunter songs and the CD you made and all the time you put into the description of each song and just smiling as i read it and looking over at you and you were just snoozing. and just being at lisas and waking you up because i was afraid of ghosts and you were angry and a little grump but you got your little bag of some prescription drug manual that was like pocket sized and was grumbling in the car and upset but you went with me to make me happy and you were just the sweetest thing in the entire universe and the wine and the roses and i just didnt think all of this could have so many deeper meanings and the synchronicities and im always in these dreams trying to find my way back to you and there was that dream and you were a phoenix. i miss you. i am so sorry i hurt you. i am so sorry i was so stupid and reckless with your heart when you never were with mine, i just dont understand why things are this way right now what about liesl and po and all the bunnies and all the stuff you help me see and all the random times you hop around and do things and then youre gone again and then i thought we were finding our way back to each other and then you have a girlfriend and i just was beside myself and took sleep medicine and i know attachment is like something were not supposed to be having or doing or i should be evolving past it but dont we love each other like more than all of this bullshit thats around us? i mean i tried to stab myself to get home to you because i thought that was what was happening, and then im still here and the light playing when the phone was underwater when i was going to stab myself in the bath and im not trying to guilt trip you or say you owe me anythjing but i just thought loki and mia. pepper. hops. tortuga. conejo. mi corozon. was i wrong? was this all in my head? did i just make a fool of myself to wake up the world and end up alone? idk cuz i guess then at least other people are happy and awakened and get a chance to find love and someone who completes them and i mean that. i would be happy for them. but its just all thats been happening this past year,all the dog comments and fat jokes and stabs at my weight, or my face, or an animal comment or the sloppy joe comments or the cupof joe commetns or the half price book comments and im just fighting for us, im fighting for you, i would do anything for you, i would die for you. am i supposed to live for you or something like in the joker and harley quinn thing when he says wuld you die for me, no no no thats too easy, would you live for me? and she says yes and jumps in the ACME bowl of random goo or something. what am i supposed to be doing? because im trying to do whatever my purpose is but i have no idea what that is and i thought because of duolingo that you were like maybe into me or something or maybe just messing with my head but asking me to play along so you could get peoples attention and wake them up and all this stuff but i dont know youre a really confusing person and idk, i just wish we were talking thats all. i was so happy to talk to you in the at&t store and i told you i still love you and you never replied and i was just wondering what you thought about that and then we started talking when i got a new number and then you went away again and im not trying to be disrespectful of your requests and im kinda over tired and maybe this is sounding over needy or selfish or annoying or like a broken record or something that makes you feel like you cant be free or like im trying to force something but its just that arturo was like, its like he was you in a different form. and then angie and it was like you were there and i dont let anyone see me like this but you and now everyone knows and its like have they always heard? did they just hear us through everything? when were intimate? in duolingo? in prayers? when we or you wanna play? has the whole world or all the awakened people just heard everything thats between us and idk now youre with somebody else? i just dont know i was hoping you would think i was pretty or interesting or have some reason to look my way or take a second thought that i might be different and changed and actually good for you or something. but its like you helped me through everything, and the stabbing and everything changed after that and all the noises in that big tv and i dont care what they think they already think im a loose cannon or some schizophrenic biatch who needs to be put in a padded room but its like ive been in the hospital 4 times and like isnt that because we share dual consciousness or something? duality? like the something masculine and feminine, the divine feminine and masculine. and all the stuff about twin flames and soul mates and the incense and the candles lighting up and the songs adding to the play list and the rift in the space time continnuum and all the people on bikes down lake shore drive and all the music that night and the power of now adding more pages and all the visitors of moths and signs and synchronicity and the left sided people and the right sided people and like how i wrote all those things but it wasnt me it was like you or something and then you fuck with me sometimes and i dont know if youre just using me to wake people up or youre hoping i trust you or the universe or something but im sorry that im such a neaurotic and paranoid person and am so used to being fucked over and talked badly about and talked down to and i expect lies and to have my own back. but to be honest i have no idea what im doing all i know is i thought i would stab myself and we would meet in heaven or something but im still here and theres all these signs of you around but youre not here and does your family still hate m? i have changed. i hope youll give me a chance one day or something even as friends and im sorry this is so long its way longer than i meant to go and youre probably annoyed or asleep or upset that i didnt respect your wishes to leave you be because a friendship just wont work out and isnt worth it to you right now but - where did you go. whrerever you are i hope its better than my life, i tried to start over but it seems so many people hate me or are rude to me from my past and im scared to meet new people because most of them seem to already have some idea of who i am or think im an asshole when all these thoughts just barrage my brain and i cant control half of them but they’re all mean cruel judgments and i feel like im disappearing into one big collective ocean and my little wave is just a little itty bitty dude and hes about to just become this massive ocean and i dont know which way is up without you. i miss you. i wish you would give me a chance to see im different. i wish you could come over to the apartment and i would make you bacon and just listen to you or something and we could just cuddle and be close and look into each others eyes and be happy because the worst is over and we can finally be free and be ourselves and be together and know all the songs really were for us and we made it and we won because we got each other. i dont know why youre not here, im sorryi try to be strong but i miss you and your eyes and your feets and the song screenshots and our late convos and making love in random places and you bringing me a dandelion and sharing headphones on a hill and even our stupid fights and you throwing your phone at the computer chair cuz of snapchat and kara saying we have to find better things to fight about, idk its stupid but i would rather fight with you then be with anyone else. but i would never fight with you. idk. maybe i said too much but i gotta have a backbone and post this because everyones already heard it and this can affect more than us and maybe in some weird way this will help wake people up idk all i know is my left and right sides of my body seem at war and i love you. 

[ahnamission-blog]

so today

was actually a productive day. I came across a bunch of my old accounts and was surprised to see what I had written and how much I've grown. In this time span of the past year I've made so many voice recordings and note diaries in my iclouds, onedrives, evernotes of all the things I've learned and went through but it's weird none of them are public and all my stuff is everywhere I have like 13 email accounts and then drives and clouds connected to them, which are all like different chapters of my life which I can categorize by what music I had screenshotted and what color hair I had at the time. I don't know if anyone will read this but I'm getting into a eucalyptus bath at my parents home and I guess I'll just let my mind wander. Life has changed so much, i've chang3d so much. It's amazing how much has changed, the amount of synchronicity lately has been positively overwhelming, i miss writing. It's so strange that I tried killing myself and it's almost a year from the date la st year on 9/11. It's so weird that some people close to me never even acknowledged that it happened and bullied me even after it happened. So much has happened that I can't explain, to most unawakened sleepers or cynics or skeptics it sounds like hogwash or some random name of some random mental disorder. But it's not, all of this has been so real and my heart just keeps going back to the whole reason I know any of this at all, or even was interested in it. By someone who came into my life and presence has lingered long after his departure, leaving me with the desire to be kind to everyone I meet. Ugh I'm rambling. It's amazing how much you can miss someone or just wonder how they are, thinking about things I'd ask if given the chance or just being happy with the opportunity to listen, even as a friend. Why did I have to....ugh. anyways, it's weird that I tried to kill myself I guess. It's crazy that I stabbed myself and am still here, it changed me completely and it's even stranger that after getting out of the hospital that I just fell back into old things: facebook, instagram, caring what people think, and it's the strangest that ever since that suicide attempt that I've been met with so much rudenss, dog comments, ignorance and hostility....half and half comments, cup of joe, sloppy joes- all this shit. I don't sleep around yet people heckle me as if I'm a whore. I guess saving it for someone special equates to being whatever. Some people I'll never please. I don't need to, but it's different to watch the social hierarchy take place and people try to outdo each other, women hate on each other, people competing with one another or slandering each other online. A president who uses twitter.....its incredible how fake of a world we live in. And being aware of it, watching people succumb to the matrix and then being called crazy by those same people. Because I don't want to pay 600 dollars for some bag, or need a lip injection, or shop at a thrift store. Blah this is going to be a brain dump. This bath is so warm, I'm going to put the jets on. I've never had such intense incredibly lifelike dreams before in all my life, nor have I ever had to fight so hard to protect my energy or frequency, negative people exhaust me to no end. There's energy vampires and it's such a real thing but anyone who is one will play into the facade that it doesn't exist. I'm just letting all my thoughts go, it's been so long since I painted. I miss it. I can't believe I let myself gain so much weight, i used to be a dancer. Being in this body is hell. I miss flexibility, twirling, moving like an instrument to the rythym. I still dance but mostly alone and I realized how awkward I am in my own skin. Someone told me why am I telling my story, stop telling people I almost killed myself. Like Buzz off it's my story to tell and if you don't like it don't listen. It's amazing to watch people treat me like shit and then become offended when I distance myself from their bad vibes. This left and right sided war is some sorta bullshit that I can't even categorize but is so blatantly obvious that I feel like a fool for even touching the topic. Basically I'm unlearning all I had learned - the false histories, the dogmas and doctrines of belief systems built on lies and contradiction. It's amazing to see how tall the wall they built is. I'm so in love with someone who probably forgot I existed, but my heart has never recovered from it. And I believe in unconditional love and I know everything happens for a reason, still, it's incredible to see what real love is capable of doing to a person, or for one. Music is everything. I find peace in music, water, poetry & the stars. It's incredible to know how many people have made rumors against me, i've been called everything in th3 book by now from schizophrenic to batshit crazy to some sorta mental disorder that exists in .003% of the population. And I'm just amazed people buy into the lies and rumors at almost 30 years old, and then I know people double my age who are on the same bullshit and all I can think of Holy God Almighty, not to be disrespectful to YOU Lord but to think of an existence full of rumors and gossip after 55_60 years of life sounds like living hell. It amazes me people care that much what others are doing. It's sad. It's even sadder to know some miserable people try to bring down someone who tried killing herself. But I guess misery loves company. It's a mentality - divide and conquer agendas create it. I wanna do acid, i should meditate. I've had SO many intense dreams lately, dreams seem more r3al than life itself. I always try to find him but it's so hard to get to him it's like someone is always in the way and I wonder why it has to be this way. I'm so happy for my sister she's found the love of her life in h3r best fri3nd. I wish it was that easy and accepted for me, but it is this war. A war against true love or something, some war against me and I don't know why. All I know is I'm the last to know everything and all my family has lied to me and continues to. I never got an answer to how they knew I stabbed myself when my parents ran into a room I was quietly bleeding out in, peacefully, finally able to leave and everything was shifting and it was so beautiful. It felt like I was finally going home to somewhere I belonged. It's ironic because I have so many spirit guides and synchronicity but I'm a deeply neurotic and paranoid person because I am so accustomed to being lied to that I question myself constantly. Learning to be in my own company is interesting. I go back to my apartment and there's new food in the fridge, things are out in different places it's common now. They don't respect my privacy now as they never did but I can't even bring it up because all I get are lies and cover ups like always. So I let it go because what else can I do, i should have known it going into it. Nothing I have is really mine, just a reminder to feel owned by someone or something somewhere else in the world. My father farted when I tried to kill myself. After stabbing myself with an 8 inch knife and they all lie. I'm so used to it Its so sad, i was the last to know that the collective consciousness was a thing and to this day they don't admit it. My entire life is a sham, the only thing that truly belongs to me are my heart and my mind and there's no way I'm letting them take those two from me. No matter how many people are against me. All I gotta say is some people in my bloodline literally don't even treat me like a blood relativ3, it's sad and I feel bad for them that they march around being mad negative light drainers who are angry crabby and fucking rude. And those same fucking people will be r3ading everything I post like hey, get a fucking life of your own instead of talking about and putting down mine fuck3r. Go read something you enjoy. Ugh. Meditate. Count to 10. Inc3nse. Candles. Tarot. Energy readings. Mindfulness. The Power of presence. I know, i know, emotions are just visitors let them come observe them and watch them leave don't become identified with them. But some people be all up in my energy, thoughts, business, postings, and dreams like ?!?!?!?! If I'm such a schizophrenic batshit loser you must surely hav3 something better to do with your time and energy than be concerned with how I'm spending mine. Then it hits me that I attract the frequency I emit so I must vibratehigher. The high self and the low self.soul and ego. Wisdom versus carnal desire. This world is truly crazy but it's nice to know so many people are waking up. Crickets chirp an unrehearsed melody as I turn bath jets off, traffic whirs by in the background. Silence. Stillness. How many times I've found myself here. Despite distraction, or social media or trying to answer to a higher calling....of some sort. Why does that dog always bark. And WHY do I know so many fake people. But th3n I've met a lot of humbl3, kind, awakened individuals on this journey that I hardlyknew yet extended their kindness. I miss him so much. All of this was for him, i've never cared so much for someone. Duolingo or something, i go to bed everynight hoping to see him. Some say I'm delusional for beli3ving in us or holding on this long without physical logical concrete scientific evidence. And I've been skeptical, because could anyone really love me that deeply even at my darkest? I don't know but I have chosen to believe in this, and that it will all work out and that the best is yet to come and to have faith and trust the process and hold the vision and. Honestly I am so grateful because I had no idea how powerful love was. Or surrender. But here I am, in a bath typing out a bunch of thoughts as they splatter across my consciousness. And it's so much bigger than any one part, its like we're all fractals. And were all waves, seemingly separate but all part of something more. With so much depth And unexplored territory.....and it's so beautiful why would anyone wanna hide it or keep it secret? Because then people would be aware of their power. God I missed writing. So much has happened so much has changed. I'm so sick of them trying to quiet me or interrupt me or distract me and my thought or energy or dreams or what3ver. I mean everyone can hear my thoughts and no one talks about it yes hi train beeping in the distance, i love you! This esp thing is so obvious, my parents were so mad when I was friends with Angie and she was communicating with me through thought or esp  or heard my thoughts. They keep trying to keep it secret and it's a complete and total fail because I have a big mouth and my patience has reached it's bullshit tolerance so now im just gonna put it all out there. Which just prov3s that anyone whose trying to mask the truth with a lie shouldn't be trying to make my life seem like some big huge bullshit story of a farce when your life and reality can b3 ruined with something as simple as the honest to God truth. And the truth is we can all communicate through ESP and telepathy and the Collective consciousness exists and a bunch of peopl3 are ascending and evolving and feeling he frequencies and shifts on a planetary level, some sooner than others and I was the last one to know but now I know so don't be mad that I'm sharing the knowledge because to be honest I never really know what it going on in a collective state but I do know my own body and mind and the shifts and changes it has went through in the past few months and this is a real thing and no amount of tweets or toupees or annoyingly consistent drawer of red neckties or some random wall on an imaginary bord3r is going to distract the Collective awakened community from the reality that humanity as a whole is traveling towards a high3r evolutionary conscious state. And this divide and conquer agenda, organized social media & news, weather manipulation, water fluoridation, chem trail bullshit is going to hide th3 fact that you couldn't keep this lie a secret for ever and you're just mad the truth is seeping out and it's fine that it's being ridiculed right now with #woke bullshit but it is common knowledge that things are ridiculed, then acknowledged, then experienced, then witnessed as being self evident. So what's up from dat third eye. Lol I mean really. Synchronicity is off the charts right now man like kablam! And I'm expected to be serious as half of my mind doesn't even belong to m3 but is shared with a collective party? The one thing I know that my teacher taught me is consciousness can be controlled if you don't know who you are. Mind control is an actual thing. Energy vampires totally exist. All we have is energy, frequency and vibration. And that's all that we are. But knowing that information is powerful because then you start to emit your own frequency rather than picking up others. You start vibrating higher to detach from lower levels of self, ego self, and start vibrating with your higher self and higher purpose and therefore you are in a place, energy wise, where only that vibration can reach you at. And it's fucking magical!!!! I'm tired. I've been up since, well over 24 hours. Had 2 large pumpkin spice lattes, took 600 mg of seroquel and 2 attivan and didn't sleep. Smart choices. But I was like no hll no I'm not missing another beautiful day sleeping through it, and I organized so much stuff! And my mom and I made so much food for the week together it was pretty cute. Anyways idk. Now I'm thinking of him and I'll probably get all sappy and try to duolingo it to get some sort of......him. idk. To be honest, it's my total vulnerable topic. So I could easily shut off right now or switch topics but.....im feeling ballsy. Lol. Idk. I mean, could this all be real with him? Deep down I hope so that's all I could ever want or hope for. I mean, all this has happened and it is for a purpose. I just hope he is part of it, but it's so private but I've made it so public without really meaning to but I guess it is no secret and I guess everyone knows already so I guess I'll just surrender, i love him, and let it be what it is. Hmm that's different lol anyways I wonder what this week will be like. I wonder if I'll meet someone whose like heyyyyyy heard your thoughts through the Collective Conscious and dope thoughts man, dope thoughts. Like can't we just talk like that? Or is everyone too busy retweeting some sentence about some dumb society hierarchy bullshit that's meant to serve as a distraction from reality? Wake da fup.....but literallyit took me forevs to wake up. Acid helped. I wonder how DMT is like, anyone got the hookup? I could use a trip! Anyways it feels nice being myself again and talking like myself or typing I should say, even if no body reads this at least I was able to write about something real without someone trying to stop me from speaking truth. Anyways wherever you are, if you're reading this, i miss you and hope you are happy. That's all for now folks <3 namaste

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Women who are beyond done with all of this shit.

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Dolphins in False Bay, South Africa

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Don’t take life too seriously. Be carefree. Laugh at your mistakes and shrug them off. Life is meant to be lived freely, so live it with happiness.

@thepowerwithin (via thepowerwithin)

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Instagram | ThePowerWithin.Co

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Tumbler Ridge // Mike Seehagel

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There comes a time when nothing is meaningful - except surrendering to Love

Rumi (via aspiritualwarrior)

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My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble minds. That deeply emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning power, which is revealed in the incomprehensible universe, forms my idea of God.

Albert Einstein (via aspiritualwarrior)

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When we argue with what was, the only person who is going to suffer is us. It doesn’t matter why we are arguing. It doesn’t matter how justified our resistance is. When we begin to look deeply at what our mind is doing, we’ll see that our conclusions and justifications for our own suffering are what allow the suffering to continue.

Adyashanti (via aspiritualwarrior)

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a shot in the dark.

So here is my story. About a year and 4 months ago I broke up with a guy I had been seeing for 5 years, we had an on and off relationship for a long time and it wasn't healthy. However I pushed for it and found my self worth being with him, having had been with him for so long I had formed my identity around that relationship although it was obvious to others we had outgrown each other, we stuck it out. I figure while I'm here I might as well tell this story in full. Before he and I parted, someone close to him had unexpectedly passed away; I was mostly there for moral support. In fact, the night he received the message of the mournful news; I had also caught wind he was cheating on me from his phone. I bit my tongue and held his hand through the process, but so many things happened during that process, I would smell women's fragrance on his jacket, he was very protective of his phone and digital belongings, etc, etc. Our relationship went on for some time after that, I would confront him about my suspicions & he would deny him. I lived in denial and believed him. One day, he graduated a course he had been in an invited me to a party to celebrate. I drove there and joined to which I found he was already wasted and a girl he had been flirting with had taken his keys from him. Once I got there, he quickly sobered up by drinking lots of water so he could participate in drinking again. I was able to meet his friends, we played beer pong, Irish Poker and just chatted. I took group pictures like I love to do & we had a grand old time. At some point during all of this, he had managed to get drunk again and called me out for losing his glasses- claiming I had lost them. His best friend assured me when I asked him he does this all the time, so I tried not to take it personally though he made a big scene about it. Eventually he found his glasses right where he left them. A storm came and since we were outside the crowds dispersed, the power went out and we sat in the garage looking out at the storm which was taking the party tent down the block, lol. Anyways for the first time since the loss, he finally opened up to me about his feelings about it. I was content to know he was trusting me with his thoughts and feelings, it had been a long time since he opened up. I had tried to understand in between that everyone grieves differently so I overlooked the possibility of him being with another woman. Somewhere in the middle of this talk, he became very intrigued by what was said to be a threesome going on behind closed doors. I was appalled and saw, in his drunken state, who he really was in an unrehearsed moment. He was trying to enter the room & I was so embarrassed. I had met his friend who was Irish like me, and after my (now) long-term ex getting in my face and threatening me, this Irish guy I barely knew stood up for me. Long story short, he was drunk, I was tipsy, he ended up breaking it off with me- I asked him if it was what he really wanted was for me to not be in his life and he said yes. It was, at that time, the hardest thing I ever did. (In my mind, I had put in 5 years of work and compromise to make a relationship work and he didn't bat an eye to ending it. I had lost my identity completely, most of my friends I had asked if they had been asked out or hit on by him because of my paranoia from his antics- and I take responsibility for that. It was my choice to stay in it and in the process, I inadvertently hurt a lot of good people, lost relationships with people in my extended family and so forth. My close family had tolerated our relationship because they knew I loved him.) By the time of him saying he was done with me he had already spat at me, and yet he was still the one doing the leaving. I had absolutely no self esteem or self worth. So I forced myself to get myself together, give him a hug and wish him the best. I went out to my car with tears in my eyes promising myself I wouldn't look back and of course he came running out claiming to need something he didn't even care about from me, I told him I would see him and I left. At this time it was about 6 AM, I left the "scene of the crime" (lol) and called a girlfriend of mine- she talked to me on the phone the whole time I drove out to see her, she took me out for breakfast and we talked as she got her nails done. I was trying to keep my head in the reality of all that had just happened. During this time, I was texting my brother for the umpteenth time describing the breakup to him. He was assuring me it was all for the best, like he's always done. Timing is strange. During this time; I had a cousin living with me. Before this had happened I had asked him if something had happened between them, I just had this vibe; he didn't answer and wouldn't look me in the eye. My mind was in a blunder so the next thing I did was ask her, I didn't know what to think. When I had asked him, he avoided answering and when I asked her, she immediately hung up and involved other family promising she had nothing to do with him. Then before I could have a chance to get any questions answered or even talk to her, she moved out. I was in awe. During this time period of being in a constantly unmindful state and completely focused on fixing a broken relationship, I met a guy. His name was Joe and we went on a blunt cruise and just talked. He was so understanding, I remember this overwhelming feeling of feeling comfortable in the presence of a man. I was so used to being on guard. He listened, he gave me advice, he was.....an incredibly kind person to me. For what reason I don't know. We had actually met on a dating website which I had set up when my on again/off again boyfriend were off.....(to many people this sounds hypocritical, but having been cheated on and left in the lurch for months - like he said I was his girlfriend but he in no way acted like it so he could have his cake and eat it too type of thing -while I was trying to keep us together....either way it was unhealthy on both sides and I would advise no one to involve themselves in, pardon my French, but such a mindfuck of an experience.....what I learned is if someone isn't proud of you, they don't deserve you....but you have to be your own advocate for that or else people walk all over you). Joe was my friend, in the beginning, he helped me try to see my worth and....it was different. I won't lie, the first time I met him, there was this energy between us. I was so wrapped up in the thing with my ex I pushed it aside but it was magnetic energy, we talked like we had known each other for.....like, we were old friends or something. A few days after all the things happened at that party, Joe and I texted and I went to go see him. I told him what happened and he listened. We ended up dating. The thing is, it was so strange; to most people it would seem like a "rebound" or something I was doing out of vengeance (not the case). See, throughout my life, I had been in a few long-term, serious relationships in my life and have not been one to easily trust men. So it was a complete surprise to start a new relationship with someone I "barely knew", but then it felt like I had known him for a lifetime. I was completely taken with him, in so many ways. Unfortunately, the timing of the break up to the beginning of our relationship was so close, I had a lot of residual baggage, trust issues and I was completely and utterly afraid he was going to cheat on me. I asked him constantly. Whenever I would get to close to him, I would habitually (without meaning to) subconsciously push him away because deep down I felt unworthy of love and expected to be hurt. The irony of all this is all my life I had searched, hoped and prayed for a kind, sweet gentleman to spend the rest of my life with. Before meeting Joe, I voluntarily went through shitty relationship after shitty relationship while my friends would listen to story after story, being a shoulder to cry on and asking me why did I continue this when it was so unhealthy? I lost a lot of good friends in the process & at that time, I was so accustomed to being lied to I became paranoid of everyone in my life. Joe and I dated and it wasn't for long, but there was so much depth. There are certain things I will not expose because it would be unladylike; but he was and to this day is the only man who ever truly made me feel loved, accepted, beautiful....and I felt at peace with. He was the best boyfriend I ever had, he bought me roses and wine, he would hold me every time I was sad or scared, he talked me off the ledge every time I let my past ruin the present. What he did for me can't be summed up in words; it is just a feeling, his love changed my heart and therefore it changed me. Me, being the idiot that I am, was so completely obsessed with the fact that he must be cheating on me because how could someone so handsome, so sweet, so kind and smart and funny ever want someone like me? Well, I was with a friend of mine one night- one he didn't really like me spending my time with because I would get drunk and not be myself, she always had random men over and he didn't like it. Well, one night I made a mistake. I'm being completely truthful here and it isn't the easiest thing in the world but it's the truth. I called my sister I told her and asked her what to do; she told me let it be....but that didn't sit right with me. I had been drunk, it doesn't rectify anything. Guilt-ridden, I asked him one night while we were eating dinner if he had been with anyone. He said honestly no & looked me straight in the eye as he did. Then he asked me the same question back, first of all, I'm a horrible liar. Second of all, I lied and I'm pretty sure he instantly knew it. We started fighting more, I hadn't seen him in weeks, I felt he lost all respect for me. I could tell he didn't seem interested in it at all anymore and it seemed he was with someone else or someone else was truly taking his interest and time. It ended. One day he was texting me, and he texted me back but it was meant for someone else. I went off and ended it, I changed my number and I couldn't come to terms with why I was so intense with this breakup emotionally. I moved to a different room to sleep in because everything reminded me of him, I didn't keep anything he gave me (which I regret) because I couldn't stand the thought of having something of his and not him. It was over, and honestly, I was a wreck. I mean, like I thought I had been a wreck in all these long term breakups. Like no; I was drinking wine in a bathtub and being a complete fool. I felt like the best thing that ever happened to me was gone, I was so guilt ridden and deep down I didn't even blame him for not being part of it anymore. I couldn't believe how much of a hypocrite I had become. I cared about nothing. I cared about nothing so much that when my ex of 5 years started messaging me again, I fell right back into it. I was completely disappointed in myself, Joe had spent so much time and energy helping me whenever I was scared in all the ways my ex never did. It sounds like a comparison but it isn't. It's my one regret is not loving him like he deserved to be loved. After I fell back into it with my ex, I had no one to call. The only one I really had was a few Facebook friends, tried those and they didn't care....as to be expected. So I called Joe, I was having a mild panic attack, because I didn't know what to do but I didn't want to tell him and hurt him because I couldn't admit to myself that I had completely fucked up and was a walking contradiction. Joe reassured me I could tell him, I did. He instantly turned cold. What was left of our friendship dissolved, and I remember it to a T. I was in a store getting a present for someone's birthday, Joe and I were texting. He said something and I was haughtily over-sarcastic. He said maybe in time we can be friends, and by the next time I tried to reply I had been blocked. I just remember walking looking at my phone and stopping and instantly realizing that the best person I had ever met I had hurt, pushed away & lost and I had no one to blame but me. I loathed myself. I fell back into the unhealthy, toxic relationship with my ex and I didn't care. He cheated on me with his best friend's ex girlfriend that his best friend was still in love with. Anyways, my ex only went back out with me so I could help him get through an emotionally hard time during Christmas after his first year of loss. We used each other but the strange thing was, it wasn't of an intimate nature...we weren't in love anymore. We did, in some weird way, have a familiarity for each other as individuals....and I think we had known each other since we were 19, we had served an era together....he ended up telling me he was going to cheat on someone in my family with me and that person and I didn't talk for months. After this, I was not myself anymore. I had lost all will to socialize and had lost all my friends, I stopped caring about forward progressing, all I could think about (even while with my ex) was Joe & all I could focus on was how I had messed up my life. The odd thing is, after dating Joe, I carried things I had learned from him with me & like I said, my heart was changed from experiencing his unconditional love. After this point in time, I dealt with the hardest things I ever thought I would deal with (besides losing him): I had an estranged relationship with someone close to me who I had known all my life and it ate away at me everyday, I couldn't believe how many opportunities I had thrown away over the years and felt like a burden, I helped my ex with his grief and then found out he was cheating on me with his best friends ex; to make matters worse she burned me online making a post about me for 800 people to see (most that I had never met) begging them to hate me and that he would leave me (again) so she could have him. Turns out karma is a bitch, for he cheated on me with her and then with someone in my family as well. He also succeeded at talking some of my family members into legitimately believing me to be crazy with his charming ways while having used the corporate ladder through my family to land himself a career. All of this changed me completely. On my birthday, I went downtown with my cousin and brother. I had a severe panic attack, I had pink hair and a punk rock jacket I had made on at that time and they were dressed to the 9's. My cousin made it very obvious she thought less of me, this was nothing new. And at one point during my birthday, I was in the middle of talking someone over a table, in a bar, and she climbed up on it and started dancing interrupting the conversation. This is just to get a vibe of what it's like around her, she didn't even wish me happy birthday. She mostly looked at me with a look of disgust. I got supremely hammered that night, I mixed EVERYTHING. Had so many Jack and Coke's and doubled them up and was just dancing and singing with my brother and all of his friends. Put in a cab, we headed back to the hotel. My cousin called me Bloody Mary, I woke up in the middle of the night and got incredibly sick. I actually drank so much that I thought I was going to die, she put me in the shower and watched me entertained, as I cleaned myself off & then set me up by a toilet to finish off the birthday celebrations. I remember praying to God to keep me alive so I could talk to my sister. Months later, my sister and I talked. It was strained & things weren't going well with people close to us. 40 days after my birthday, I took a drive to the lakefront, while parking I saw a truck called Joey's Movers. I thought how strange, a week before I had a dream about him that was so lifelike that he and I were back together. I brought with me a book Joe had given me called "Twin Flames & Soul Mates", in it it had pages of Violet Flame Incantations and I read them. The clouds cleared, I was in this desolate part of the lakefront and when I left there were people everywhere celebrating! But the biggest thing was after saying the incantation, I felt this overwhelming feeling of being connected to everything. That night everything changed. A radio station changed to SHE 100.3, I drove for 10 hours listening to songs that were live on the radio, and people were bike riding in this massive group down Lake Shore Drive at night. I was floored. I pulled over at one point and called Joe, I got his voicemail and left it. There was a commercial on a radio station for Noah's Ark they had built in Kentucky. I got home that morning and picked up The Power of Now, Joey had given it to me and before my eyes it went from 140-something to 170/80 pages. As I read it, Joe would highlight things or I would open to the perfect page. A candle lit up on the other side of my room and for a split second, a rift in the time continuum split and I saw him. Ever since then the strangest things have happened, I went to the baby library book stand they have in front of the City Hall and I found a book called Liesl and Po, and then one called Baited! Between these weeks I experienced a consistent amount of synchronicity, I turned on an interview between Richard Gere and The Dalai Lama and the electricity shifted on and off an almost went off. I went to a grocery store, bought completely vegan and Non-GMO food and it turned out to be 700$, I didn't have that much on me- so I went home, got it and paid it. I'm pretty sure the foreign exchange student thought I was nuts. Most people here do. A few days later, I watched 2 movies: The Sea of Trees and 127 hours while doing acid. I saw the truth, that we are all reincarnated souls trapped here on Earth by Reptilian beings, maybe the Anunnaki, I am not sure- but our lives are not our own and that was what Joe was teaching me but he was practicing Shamanism and I was a noob to all this. But I am learning; about Ascension, Twin Flames, soul journeys, reincarnations, shamanism, light workers, starseeds, The Arcturians, The Pleiadian Light Council, the 5th, 7th and 12th dimensions, alchemy, ancient alchemists, ancient philosophers, metaphysics, the beginning of the Age of Aquarius coming from the Age of Pisces, The portal of Divine Masculine and Feminine Energy, Christian persecution, Anunnaki, Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene, Freemasonry, the Knights of Templar, the Knights of Columbus, the meaning of Friday the 13th, white body flame of light in which Twin Souls are born into, Yahweh, the Hebrew Scriptures, Buddhism, Hinduism, the scriptures according to Matthew and the truth about the Crucifixion and Ponctious Pilot, Rumi, Osho, Lao Tzu, Indigo children, extraperceptionary symptoms of those going through the process of ascension or DNA mutation, lucid dreaming, astral Projection, zodiac, astrology, auras, higher dimensional beings, The Ascended Masters, tarot, psychic and clairvoyant abilities, the New Earth and then The New World Order, the 7 levels of consciousness, superconsciousness, Project Northwoods, FEMA camps, Prescott Bush, the Rothschild family, HAARP weather manipulation, Noah's Ark exhibit (built to the exact specifications as said in the Bible.....as the world comes closer to a society as that of Babylon), the 9/11 conspiracy in which 12 of the 15 terrorists were from Saudi Arabia, hemp being illegal and what it would do to industries-mainly lumber & how much the switch would reduce the amount of deforestation, chemtrails from planes, The Bilderberg Committee and of course; the quest for The Holy Grail. Some say it's a cup, some say it's a bloodline. Many died to protect the secret. All I have to say is my name is Megan Marie which means Mary Magdalene and my boyfriends name is Joseph Christopher Garcia and that equates to Jesus Christ of Galilee. Coincidence? I am not here to change your mind just to ask you to employ it. Think for yourself though. With so much false history, there is so much to unlearn and with the Government and the 1% being so secretive (Bilderberg) and organized warfare being manipulated in the eyes of the General Public to look as anything but.......we must unlearn. This all means something. I stabbed myself in the heart with a steak-knife 8 inches deep on 9/11 of last year, it penetrated it and I'm still here. This is just the beginning. Believer or skeptic? Left side or Right side? A silent war is raging, it's all over the media and music, in movies- intertwined everywhere we look. We just need to open our third eye. The way out is through. The Romans persecuted Christ and then established the Roman Catholic Church......based on a lie. The planet is beginning to ascend. Ever since I stabbed myself, I have been able to communicate with Joe (my Twin Flame), when I write I write on his behalf and it just happens and he has telepathically communicated so much to me through writing, our conversations, tarot, telepathy, dream work. It's amazing. The planet is on a new level of consciousness, we need to wake more people up. So much is possible. I will have to start posting these pages I've written on Joe's behalf. Actually, I'll start posting tonight. I'll post one or two pages everyday. The right side is starting to feel us. There is a song. move into light. Please listen. Juventa featuring Erica Curran https://youtu.be/8JckkYM9WIw Sincerely & Diversely, Megan Marie