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foolgobi65 · 4 years ago

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i really wish the writers of lucifer hadn't turned chloe and maze's friendship into such an afterthought! like ok:

- when they start in season 2, both of them are in pretty isolated places socially. chloe, already a pretty introverted workaholic, is just newly divorced and has exactly one (1) friend: lucifer. maze has finally split off from lucifer and has two (2) friends: linda and trixie, but for the purposes of this comparison linda really is maze's one friend. maze has just accepted that she's not actually going back to hell, that this time on earth isn't really just a lunch break before they go back to the real world (hell) and so she now has to figure out how to build a real life in LA.

- basically, both maze and chloe are kind of in similar positions in terms of being isolated and really only having a singular overwhelming relationship with someone as opposed to having a network they can rely on so that all their eggs aren't in one basket. you can see where this backfires on both of them throughout the series when linda spends the week not talking to maze after seeing lucifer's face, and when lucifer runs off to vegas and suddenly chloe is stuck with all these feelings she can't express (and crucially can't talk about to him, her best friend.) ofc lucifer and maze's relationship transcends friendship just based on their immense history and is its own weird thing that i also kind of wish they had given more thought to, but w/e.

- enter: maze and chloe's friendship! i think for both maze and chloe, the other person is as "far" as you could get from themselves, but is fascinatingly still someone they can like, respect, love, and be loyal to. for a good while (and this is something i REALLY wish they had maintained) chloe, maze, and dan are basically raising trixie together which takes so much respect and trust that the other person is someone you want having a hand in influencing a kid you love! i think what's interesting is that, unlike lucifer who is trying to answer existential questions about his place/purpose in the universe, maze is really just focused on the people she cares about and having a good time (which is rooted in her doing meaningful work as a bounty hunter.) chloe is someone who pursues duty to the point of self-sacrifice, and obviously her friendship with lucifer helps her loosen up, but the pedestal he places her on/reverence he sometimes feels for her prevents him from really popping that bubble in the same way maze does. also chloe and lucifer's relationship gets SO much more complicated around the time maze enter's chloe's life so the role that lucifer once had to shock chloe out of her comfort zone kind of goes to maze once chloe has to draw some personal boundaries with lucifer.

- i think the key to maze and chloe's friendship is that they're both people who desperately need someone who embodies the other person's best trait. while this tendency isn't always healthy, maze is fundamentally someone very loyal to those she believes deserves it. obviously she's also betrayed people a billion times but at her core she's deeply committed to those she cares about which is something that i can see chloe find really appealing. at this point chloe has spent so much of her life in this weirdly precarious position where, since her dad's death she hasn't been able to fully trust anyone or open up to them. obviously she loves dan, but its clear that even when they're still "good" he doesn't trust her instincts or potential like he should, and when he spent those months gaslighting her the issue for her even beyond the fact that he shot malcom would have been that he didnt support or trust his wife. the appeal of lucifer is that from the beginning he identifies that she's smart and moral with good instincts. he trusts her, and strangely over the season she begins to trust him too! and then he runs off to vegas, etc etc lol. maze's primary loyalty probably isn't to chloe, but we see that to the best of her capacity she wants chloe to be happy -- she gets the prison warden killed, she "tries" and then really does listen to chloe venting about lucifer, attends the parent night chloe was stressed about, sets aside her grudge with lucifer to find chloe.

- in turn, chloe's best trait is her ability to accept people as they are and see their potential. of course she doesnt really have that many friends, but the people she is attracted to are all works in progress (dan is obvious, as are lucifer and maze lmao, but there's also ella who confesses something very personal and scary to chloe and gets a hug in return, and even charlotte who chloe's had clashes with both as charlotte and Mom for years but still gets the benefit of the doubt.) maze does have to change when she comes to live with chloe and trixie, but we see trixie grow up heavily influenced by maze in ways that makes it clear that chloe must genuinely like maze, or those influences like the handshake and the passion for gore and the knife training wouldnt have been allowed. we know that the reason maze is so loyal to lucifer is that he was the first person to ever accept her for who she was unconditionally, without shame or judgment. we see that for lucifer chloe is that person, especially because she sees his potential for growth just as she sees maze's. because she doesnt have preconcieved notions of what they're supposed to be she only sees them as people going through a difficult period of growth and supports them as best she can: reminding maze that they're friends, worrying about her in canada, trusting her with trixie who is the most important person in chloe's life.

- of course, chloe and maze have lucifer and linda but narratively lucifer and linda become so much MORE for chloe and maze. the show sunk linda/maze lmao but linda's clearly the adult maze cares most about just as lucifer is chloe's. and for both in s3 this person they each place so much of themselves into suddenly hurts them and they both spiral. i think there was real potential for chloe and maze to become each other's support and develop into a really steady, enduring friendship in contrast to the chaos of their individual romances (you will NEVER convince me that triangle was about amenadiel rather than linda lmao.) even post s3, they don't really address that maze really hurt chloe by pushing her towards pierce, and that chloe hurt maze by lying to her. i really think there could have been a lot of growth from maze going back to living with chloe and trixie after making full ammends and chloe realizing that actually, yes she can deal with this and it isn't that scary and then the tragedy of her maybe missing her shot with lucifer becomes more stark. we see chloe and maze teaming up in the first episode of 5A but then they blow that up too! i get that chloe needs space and its clear they're both using the other as placeholders for the people they really want, but there's no reason that they couldnt have come back together later and re-established their friendship on screen. obv they wouldnt work together after lucifer comes back, but to me this is where i believe they should go back to living together. without that, maze's connection to trixie in terms of what they can show on screen becomes tenuous and chloe's home life just becomes less interesting/worthwhile to see bc it'd just be her or maybe her with trixie. without that, it feels like we just see a lot of chloe either at work or in relation to lucifer (bc thats the best bang for your buck in terms of interaction!) we do get to see maze with linda, which is nice, but idk just feels like a step back from early s3 when maze felt more embedded in a community of people who liked, accepted, and cared about her wellbeing.

- i think one of the issues is that chloe and maze's friendship might have seemed like a knock off of their "main" relationships with lucifer and linda bc they have similar dynamics with them, but idk! there's a sense of fun that we get from their friendship that we dont really see from the main pairings because those are so serious and passionate and the main mechanisms by which the 4 grow so there isn't as much room for the lighter stuff. i know i said that chloe sees the potential for growth but she's not really pushing maze to talk about her feelings. she's doing the dishes maze won't, smiling at maze and trixie's handshake, shrugging off the fact that maze is throwing knives at their rented walls. maze and chloe create space for each other to be seen as themselves, good or bad, in ways that linda and lucifer can't for whatever reason. they don't really push each other, just let the other person be. it wouldnt be the ideal dynamic if they were the only person in each other's lives, but i think its vital to have someone in your life who can, in chloe's case, gently push you outside of your comfort zone and in maze's case offer acceptance, friendship, and trust.

idk this is just going in circles as i repeat the same points over and over and over but i really wish they had put more thought into sustaining the maze and chloe friendship throughout s4 and s5 because it would have brought out notes in both of them narratively that i think are lost otherwise. also its just sad for trixie that someone who was basically part of her family who she was living with is just...not there anymore and that's never addressed. : (

#lucifer #maze #chloe decker #lol im just writing this here to avoid doing school work rip #back to pretending to do a reading!!!

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orange-plum · 4 years ago

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OK, after yesterday’s episode, watching the SK8 community react, and giving myself some time to get my thoughts together, I think I’ve come to a conclusion in my head about Renga mainly, and SK8 as a whole.

I agree with the community. I think SK8 is a canonically LGBTQ+ show. There are enough scenes to blatantly show this. I know sports anime’s tend to queerbait a lot and make relationships seem more intimate with men than other shows, but still. Even by sports anime standards, SK8 does seem to take it a bit further than just “see what you want”. There are canonically queer characters we follow, and the shots/visuals of some character dynamics are intrinsically queer coded. So with that I can agree.

As for Renga . . . I can somewhat agree/disagree with the community. And while their reunion scene has gay implications, I can’t say I am 100% on board with what I see a lot of the community celebrating. The overall message of what I’ve been seeing is “It’s a confession. You don’t have to explicitly kiss or say I love you to be in love and confess. If this was a man and a woman, you would’ve eaten that up as romantic.”

Yeah, I def agree with that overall as a statement. Langa, at the very least, came out on the show. And the way he describes his heart racing with Reki, that he loved snowboarding because he loved his dad, and he loves skating cuz he loves Reki, he’s at least part of the canon queerness of SK8. But Reki, IMO, from what I’ve seen, hasn’t given me a big inclination that he’s pan/bi/gay or whatever he is. We know he likes girls because he’s expressed it in the show, but I haven’t seen any inclination for boys.

And yeah, I’m a big Renga shipper, but I don’t just want to project onto the show my wishes, or see what I want to see by doing mental gymnastics. I really want to look at it and say to myself “Is this character queer coded?” Him blushing because Langa showered him with praise isn’t the same. Lots of people, especially people with low self-esteem (as Reki had been going through) get embarrassed when thrown compliments. I do see potential for Reki to be a “gay” character, but at the moment, I feel myself flashing back on Killua and Gon from HxH.

Not to get crazy into that but Killua is a canonically gay character in HxH, and it’s heavily done in such a manner that he doesn’t even have to explicitly say it for the audience to know. Togashi did a great job with him. And while I ship Killugon, and Gon has the capacity to be a “gay” character, I was never given any blatant implication that he harbors any romantic feelings for Killua. Gon’s love for Killua is just love. I’m not even sure if Gon can experience romantic love, but that’s a whole other can of worms.

My POINT is that while it isn’t necessary for Langa and Reki to kiss or say the words “I like you” for the audience to feel if they do or not, I don’t want to KEEP settling for this narrative in gay media. In a world where it is soooo hard to find explicitly gay canon confirming stories, I think it is necessary to get more confirmation. At least until gay content is so normalized and accessible. It’s super important IMO at the beginning to start pushing for the explicit proof. No wiggle room for people to take away LGBTQ+ voices for their stories, for people to dismiss “gay” characters, to downplay our stories and say “they’re just friends, you’re just pushing shipping” to people who consume this stuff. It sucks to even have this debate anymore when a story is clearly ours.

So, while IDK if I’d say SK8 is queerbaiting, I def feel a certain kinda way with being satisfied with stories being told with implied confirmation instead of visual or verbal. I don’t want to settle for crumbs anymore or the bare minimum. It’s 2021, even a lot of children’s animated shows are finding a way to kiss and say I love you or even going so far as to say “I’m gay.” I’m not going to shit on SK8 for that, because it is a good queer coded show with some canonically LGBTQ+ characters/scenes.

But I won’t lie if I say that I just wish they would push it farther if that’s the narrative they want. There are so few anime out there for gay people with explicit confirmation that isn’t fetishized. You can probably count on both hands the amount of anime that does that (GL is different, rn I’m talking about BL). So I’m not completely with the community on this. Until there are a lot more stories for LGBTQ+ where you don’t have to question if this character/relationship is canonically gay or not, I’m not gonna be completely satisfied with saying “I want to skate with you forever” essentially.

IDK that’s just my take on it.

TL;DR: I appreciate that Renga seems at the very least semi-canon, but I’m not happy with series not taking the plunge and showing us explicit canon gay confirmation, when we live in a world where so few things in media (at least with anime) exist. It just seems like a half-celebration in my heart, at least.

#personal #sk8 #sk8 spoilers #dont come for me these are just my thoughts #im also not shitting on sk8 i love that show #so dont twist my words pls #its a bittersweet thing the renga reuinion ngl #but i say this also because ppl will just take anything and roll with it even if its crumbs #like confirming cherry prefers italian food and ppl went with that everywhere #you can see that as gay or as intimate bffs #its not enough imo i just dont want to settle for crumbs anymore i want blatant in your face gay media #that is all oop

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morethanonepage · 4 years ago

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everything divisible by 3

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

hmmm i’m not sure what stands out most for other people but when i read my own fic, the thing i find most genuinely funny is when i slip and throw in some vocab or sentence construction that’s obviously from ~my day job. my absolute favorite example of this is from a sex scene:

(a million years ago, in college, i took a lit class that was like, literature for STEM majors or w/e, looking at books from a more scientific perspective, and we read dr jekyll and mr. hyde and did a whole thing about how Robert Louis Stevenson had studied engineering so a lot of his work has elements of like -- the conservation of matter & the forces required to do something, etc, etc. so i’ve always been a little charmed by the idea that as a ~writer~ certain other aspects of my background show up sometimes, entirely by accident.)

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily?

Coming up with plots that i then never write.

But yeah in general I’m good at like, plotting out an AU (or even an in-world) fic that could be interesting, and posting about it vaguely, and then doing absolutely nothing with it.

When it comes to things I actually DO write -- idk nothing comes easily but sex scenes are actually much easier (if more embarrassing) for me to actually get on paper (as it were) than almost anything else.

9. Which character(s) do you find most difficult to write?

i have trouble writing characters i just don’t like very much but feel like i have to include for some reason -- like rey is never my favorite character in a star wars fic but as i talked about recently, she’s so important to finn that it feels OOC to write finn and not have her around in some capacity. but i have a hard time getting a read on her/her voice so i uh. sometimes cheat and just have her off stage for most of the fic.

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about.

I’m excited to have the massive oft-abandoned finnpoe AU done with! I call it the The West Wing/Bunheads mashup that -- literally no one would ever think of, why does it exist? who knows. But it features some political snarking and some explorations of race and sexuality and rose is really fun in it (imo) and there’s some good leia & poe vibes that aren’t them being like, replacement family for each other (since they still have actual families of their own). and i’m still working through it but there’s also an element of dealing with an issue that i’m still not over, i.e., the fact that leia is so relentlessly and obviously pushing poe into a leadership position when it really doesn’t seem to be what poe wants.

I’m also vaguely excited for some random johnchas stuff that I keep planning to write based on chastantine anons i’ve gotten -- I really hope those folks are still around and haven’t been scared off by how -- slow I am at writing anything.

15. What’s the weirdest fandom you’ve ever written for?

Les Mis lmfao. Like Les Mis fandom is so fucking wild on every front -- so, so wanky -- and i felt like a total outsider the whole time i was in it. there’s some good valvert stuff but for the most part, man, i’m glad to be out of it.

18. Wildest fic you’ve ever written?

Oooh tie between the John Constantine/Jake Peralta things (WHY) and the John/Chas/Trenchcoat fic, bc also, WHY.

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

Shamefully, it’s still John & Chas. Like I can’t even really say why -- the show is so long ago, none of the new stuff John is in really deals with it, but I just -- i’m love them, your honor!!!

they just idk hit the exact right vibe that i like, to wit:

1) Friends to lovers

2) Foundational angst

3) Inability to speak of Feelings on both sides (so I don’t have to do the exhausting “Pls talk to me!!!”/”No I SHAN’T” fights)

4) Size difference

5) Unabashed physicality (which ties into...

6) The fact that they don’t talk but have a lot of FEELINGS and at least one of them is really into sex means they theoretically would eff a lot but not talk about it and idk i just enjoy that

24. One-shots or multi-chaptered works?

One shots. I find chaptered works so stressful -- I try to NEVER post anything multichapter without having completed the whole thing (every single time I’ve tried to post something that’s still a WIP, with the assumption that ‘well i know where this is going it’ll be easy enough to get the next chapter up within the week’ i have NEVER succeeded in finishing).

But since I don’t start posting till i’m done, it’s hard to get the motivation to finish, bc I’m not getting the necessary praise and attention that I really bank on to have the motivation to keep going.

And even when I DO finish, the new stress becomes -- how often should i post chapters? how often should i read & respond to comments? if the comments seem to suggest readers believe something is going on that’s NOT what’s going on, should I tell them? Or should I change the fic according to those comments? Or should I not read ANY comments till it’s done?

Or -- and this is usually how exhausted i am with the whole process -- should I just post the whole 60,000 word fic at once, and leave it at that?

One shots are the best. NONE of those stressors. A nice, solid, 10k word one shot that has some smut and some plot and some angst and some fluff is -- the ideal.

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

Someone once said that john/chas shippers were lucky to have me in the fandom and i just about cried.

also:

In general I just get such lovely comments -- someone once said one of my john/chas fics felt like “something that would’ve happened on the show” (god bless them, bc it did not, but isn’t it pretty to think so), and one time someone was surprised at how few kudos a finnpoe fic of mine had bc they’d liked it so much. that sort of thing always makes my day.

30. Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst?

i’m all about the (un)happy medium -- a bittersweet moment of fluff that acknowledges the inherent/unavoidable angst of existence. but i don’t like to write characters actively suffering in very -- in your face ways. i like inner turmoil that is repressed/ignored and is always just about to be unleashed (but usually isn’t).

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

i mean i feel bad for always complaining about how hard writing is for me -- like, the privilege of being able to write at all is very real, so for me to bitch that it requires effort seems a bit douchey. but writing is genuinely very rough going for me, partly because i’m always kind of embarrassed about it, partly bc given how hard i am on other people’s writing, i’m in some ways EVEN HARDER on my own. but for all that whining i do -- get genuine joy out of completing a fic, and having it be enjoyed by others. i really am so glad to bring -- any kind of moment of happiness (or, if the fic calls for it, sadness or melancholy) to others.

#writing meme #jessicamiriamdrew

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acuriouslilthing · 4 years ago

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Umbrella Academy S2 R a n t

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~SPOILERS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note: This is totally my opinion. Don’t like, don’t read. Also, I haven’t read any of the comics. This is all based on the Netflix series. Please don’t attack me.

I’d say, season 2 was a jumble. It was quite dizzying. The characters had many ups and downs in developments. The transitions were so w t f. There were too many arcs. The relationships were. . . And the plot had such a similar theme to the first season. With that, let’s dive in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHARACTERS

I’ll go into the characters each in a bit but here’s an overview. The characters were sort of a mess? I’d say in terms of the main characters, Allison, Vanya and Ben were the best (Ben wasn’t even there frequently). The worst being our Luther and Klaus? (Don’t get me wrong he’s one of my favorite characters but I think this season did him quite dirty?)

-Number 1/Luther: MOON BOY!!! Yeah no I really didn’t enjoy watching him this season. Actually scratch that I didn’t enjoy watching him in season 1 either. It’s nothing against his daddy issues, I’m sure most if not all of the main characters have them. It’s just how he deals with it? His want for a father figure goes on to a mafia rich guy named “Jack” who he got acquainted with after getting stuck. I’m all for finding father figures who’d treat you better than the original but seriously? Lmao we don’t even see Jack after abandoning him for one lost fight. Which I guess parallels to Mr Hargreeves abandoning him but weren’t we supposed to let Luther develop? Idk, He’s just such a lost puppy. As well as his is addiction for Allison. It’s just so unhealthy I c a n ‘ t. I just couldn’t see his development. Hell, he disagrees for saving the world then goes on to do random ass stuff that is so unnecessary. I visibly groaned whenever he was on screen. Not caring about the apocalypse? Fine. Getting high with Elliot? oKaY. Telling Diego to find the siblings while he tries to coax Five, only to fall asleep? WHATEVER. Just, why did they have to make him so useless sometimes. The scene where he was with both young and old Five, he just bullshitted around. LIKE I’M SORRY LUTHER BUT PLEASE. His power was quite confusing too? He got shot by the bullet but survived a nuclear missile huh?? Anyways, the actor playing him did a great job. There were scenes I really just wanted to sigh but Luther looked so cute like a lost puppy.

-Number 2/Diego: In the first few episodes, I was extremely iffy with him. Some of it came from the fact that season 1 Diego was just so ;-;. Anyways, his obsession to save Kennedy was a bit out of hand. I get it, he wanted to save a life he knew that was in trouble, especially one so important. But I wish he stopped to think first. I mean, he chose that over the end of the world HAHA. Mm though I suppose I think I started enjoying watching him more when he reunited with Mother? Speaking of the mother, his interactions with her were so cute. He loves her so much and just seeing her there alive..I don’t know he was more sympathetic. That Team Zero shit was so sweet even if it didn’t pull through. He became much sweeter though still an idiot. As always, he had daddy issues too and I wish we dwelled more into that. Seeing him vulnerable was nice. Also him entering the commission was so badass?? Like damn. I guess his character grew a bit more this season which I’m satisfied with.

-Number 3/Allison: I loved her so much this season. She was such a badass queen. There were rarely scenes I’d facepalm at. I think it’s because Ray brought out a much better side in her. She was the most stable of all the siblings but I don’t think that says much. Her marriage was a bit out of hand at one point, I’m glad she was able to fix it. HOWEVER, the scenes where she abused her power was very irritating. It was never mentioned again. They brought it up but didn’t do anything with it. That can be highly used against black people as a whole. She did that in a room full of white people and I can only think of the consequences that could leave for their movement. Or it will go unaddressed. But I hope that isn’t the case.

-Number 4/Klaus: I love this man. He’s one of my favorite characters as a whole. But. . . what the fuck happened this season? It’s like all his development by the end of season 1 was just tossed out the window. He was sober and although he didn’t like it, he was one of the ones who kept trying to bring their siblings to the problem. It’s just his sober self in season 2 just gave me vibes of his drunk self in season 1. I guess it’s more on his personality and who he is but it was so interesting to see him when he was trying. Instead, I watched him lead a cult. It shows that he’s really not the leadership kind because he doesn’t know what he’s doing with himself, better yet how is he going to lead a cult? I guess he needed some way to survive but damn. Also I thought Dave, if not his siblings, was going to be his first priority. I know he ended up finding Dave already but why was he after the cult. Klaus half the time he didn’t do anything. There was a big waste of power for Klaus because he wasn’t even able to use his to full capacity. There was that one shot where he was falling and caught by other ghosts which was the only time other ghosts were seen. The only time he used his power. The season 1 ending had such an OP Klaus but it led me to expect more from him this season. Like, remember that point where they were trying to reach Vanya but it was from Allison to Diego to Klaus to Ben. The part when it was Klaus’s turn, I really think he could’ve used his powers to have the ghosts push him. He was giving himself the talk and everything and then he just flew back only for Ben to just stare. And as seen, Ben wasn’t affected by the whoosh the ghosts thing could’ve worked. He ended up feeling a bit like a plot device for Ben this season. I really hope in season 3, he’ll be able to develop his powers and develop himself as a character. Also for the record, I cannot believe he didn’t tell anyone of Ben?? I remember that clip with the “Klaus, is Ben here?” and he responded with ghosts can’t time travel and jazz. I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A JOKE?? But he ended up n o t telling AT ALL. Like I love you Klaus but your brother misses your family too. I was just so frustrated at him this season.

-Number 5/Five: This boy is one of my other favorites. He’s just so fun to watch. I guess it does with the amount of times he warps and uses his powers. His development on his powers were 10/10. In terms of personality, he’s still the same old grumpy pants but the amount of times I wanted to reach the screen and shake him I swear. I know he rushes so much but I remember he was watching a stripper or singer or something in the place where Luther was and was that really the time? He needs to tell his siblings before rushing head first. Funny how he keeps saying let’s think of a plan but as soon as he has one he goes with it. The Reginald Hargreeves plan wouldn’t even be able to go if not for the invitation. I swear this boy always has something going on which is why it’s so fun to watch him all the time. He just wants to save his family. And he’s just throwing hands every time a plan fucks up it’s funny and then he starts a new one. I’m sure he blames himself a lot for getting his family stuck. I wish he had time to develop his mental state. But I understand he was busy all the time. Though to be honest, Allison is probably the only stable one, they all needs help. Hmm I’d say he grew a bit more from the first season, though again the first few episodes of this one were sorta infuriating because he was basically repeating what he did in the first. I hope he can finally rest in the third season or at least take a b r e a k(HAmiLton). They made him super badass already, I’d love to see more of it but I want to see him more when he gets to actually talk to his siblings about anything else. I look forward to his season 3 arc.

-Number 6/Ben: HE WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CINNAMON ROLL THIS SEASON I LOVE HIM. The one iffy part was when he possessed Klaus and was about to have s e x in Klaus’s body and not give back his body LMFAO. Poor baby just wanted to feel it though. He missed it so much and he missed his family so much. HE ONLY GOT TO REUNITE WITH DIEGO AND VANYA. Both times, hit just as hard. Though Diego never asked about him again probably because Vanya told them all about how he...Ugh, I wish he was there more to interact with the other siblings. KLAUS THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD’VE TOLDKFHJD. His scenes were so precious. My heart cried when he passed away to Heaven. He was just so gentle with Vanya. You’re my sister. AGH CHILLS. He was such a beautiful sibling to Vanya and I hate it so much how he wasn’t able to have more. He was a true hero. He should’ve had more scenes. I don’t know what season 3 is going to bring for the “new” Ben but he looks more aggressive and edgy than the old ones so I’m not going to have any expectations.

-Number 7/Vanya: This girl is always in such pain, it was nice to see her happy for once. Though I am a bit iffy with the relationship with her and Sissy because it looks like there’s an age gap but I don’t know, I’ll go more into it later. No, it’s not because they’re two girls, I’m bisexual myself. Anyways speaking of gender, most fans say she’s bisexual but I’d head canon her to be pan sexual more than bi. I feel like she really doesn’t give a fuck about who she is with as long as they love each other and that’s sweet. We stan representations. As for her character, hmm she was okay. She’s still unstable but in the end she’s just a hurt baby that’s been through a l o t and just wants a family. I’m glad she was able to use her powers more. High key Elsa vibes. She was not bad this season but I wish she knew how much she couldn’t bring them. The extent of the time travel world. But I know she just wanted love after having such a lack of it. I hope to see her get love she deserves in season 3. More specifically, self-love. Because these past 2 seasons, she’s been putting so much on that one person that I want to see what she does for herself. Maybe pick up that violin and go girl~

In terms of side characters,

*THEY PUT HAZEL THERE FOR TWO MINUTES AND THEN HE DIED. WHAT. I know it’s probably better that way but damn, he was one of my favorites. I’m glad he was able to live a peaceful life with Agnes. He deserved it

*RAY IS MY MAN I LOVE THIS MAN SO MUCH! He stays calm and collected most of the time. He does what’s right. He’s a much better choice than Luther. I’m sad we had to let him go but it was going to come sooner or later.

*Lila..She was such an intriguing character. Just, she was so dumb at some points, especially near the end. I wish she thought more analytically. I guess she’s like a more emotional female version of Five. Her fight with Five was pretty cool. She probably got with Diego because they’re mummy’s children HAHA. Her powers were so bad ass though. We’re prolly going to see more of her in the third season which I look forward to.

*Reginald Hargreeves, bruh are you an alien.

*Pogo.. He was cute but I thought we’d see more of him. But I mean he’s just a baby so I guess eh.

*Mom was beautiful, she DESERVES MORE SCENES INSTEAD OF EVERY 2 EPISODES FOR 2 MINUTES.

*The Handler was not bad I suppose. I mean I loved her in the first season. But here she wasn’t as terrifying anymore. She’s a hella good manipulator but of course it was going to bite her in the back. I was honestly looking forward to fish guy though. I hope she stays dead just so that we can see our future villains.

*Speaking of the fish, he was sort of useless. We didn’t get to see any action of him. He’s just a f i s h. We won’t ever know if he was as good at his job as the handler or what not but that’s because he did n o t h i n g. A F I S H.

*The Swedish villains, they were eh. Not gonna lie, the first few episodes or so, they were hella boring. Not as fun as Hazel(WHO THEY KILLED IN THE FIRST FEW MINS) and Cha Cha. But their sibling ship was really heart felt. And every time one died.. Just ;-;.

*Herb was such a precious soul. I hope he doesn’t die in season 3.

I think the problem was that some of the characters were just on standby half the time.

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RELATIONSHIPS

The way they treated and interacted with each other is what makes the story so appealing, the familial, platonic and romantic. The relationships here were fine but I just wanted to bring them up.

Romantic

-Allison and Ray: What a 9-10/10 couple. The reason why is because there’s a line Allison said that made me so...what? I remember when she reunited with Luther she said something along the lines of “I just, I needed something to hold on to. And Ray gave me that” SIS. That sounds like such REBOUND energy. It doesn’t sound like she chose Ray, it sounds like she needed someone to depend on and Ray was there. I’m sure their relationship grew eventually but to say that about him to her ex or whatever they are. She’s in a vulnerable state, and to say something as minor as I needed him does not seem healthy. Relationships shouldn’t always be a need-need relationship. Allison needs to be her independent person and fall in love when she’s ready. If she’s just doing it because she needs someone to hold onto. What kind of love is that? Aside from that note, their whole relationship is so precious. I love how much Ray stays by Allison but he doesn’t take her bullshit. Like he is strict with knowing the truth because he needs to know he can trust her and that she can trust him. And you know what, she pulled through and told him. Because she loves him. I’m glad they didn’t kill him off or separate them because of Luther. It’s sweet.

-Diego and Lila: I didn’t like it until we knew of who Lila was. Because honestly if Diego got with her, that’d reflect on how much he changed from dating a cop to a complete psycho. But no, there’s more depth in Lila which made her interesting. Their dance scene right after was so nice. It was like a fight for dominance and it reflected how they thought of each other. Though, when she started choosing Five over Diego it went downhill. Diego was so lost because Lila didn’t trust him with whatever shit. Lila was just going around playing mummy’s girl and getting flustered whenever the handler mentioned him. It made her look young. Then when she captured Diego and called him boyfriend I got so lost. Then later Diego calls them exes. THEN WE FIND OUT THEY’RE ALSO BORN ON THE SAME DATE. They’re not as bad as Luther and Allison but still, they could’ve been siblings. Their relationship goes up and down so I’m not really sure what to think. I don’t see Lila bringing out the better side of Diego. I only see Diego doing it. I think Patch was a better fit because she was emotionally stable. But maybe when Lila gets her shit together then perhaps??

-Vanya and Sissy: Uh...This is definitely going to be an unpopular opinion(im saying that as if most of what I said is not unpopular) but this relationship gave me eh vibes. Like I don’t really know what to say about this one. I’m all for LGBTQ+ representation and of course Vanya being happy but. I think, again, Vanya must be her own girl. She shouldn’t be someone to be protected or get validation from protecting. She should be her own girl fighting and figuring out herself. I think another iffy thing is Sissy was a mother who was stuck in a bad marriage. My thing with that trope is that usually, the love interest saving the mother is someone who’s ready to take them. Yes I know Sissy shouldn’t have to live unhappily. But depending on a girl who doesn’t have self-independence, emotionally unstable with her own unstable family. Yeah, no wonder Sissy didn’t come with. Just the deal is Vanya depended on her like a lost child with a mother. It looks motherly. I’m not judging from looks, I’m judging from the treatment. Plus, their first kiss, they were drunk. That’s a sign within itself. Yes, they didn’t regret it in the morning. But Sissy was in a vulnerable state. She was crying. And I guess I thought it was going to be eased in like “I’m really happy you’re in my life Vanya.” BWAM KISS. Instead it went like “You tell me how you let her go. Tell me and I’ll do it.” “Sissy I can’t--” KISS. THAT DOESN’T SOLVE THE PROBLEM, in fact she interrupted Vanya because she was so emotionally drained. All the emotions and weight of it, into that kiss. It’s not like a drunken confession, she’s crying about a problem beforehand. Not a problem on her sexuality, but a problem on her life. And... kissing doesn’t make all the pain go away. Running away doesn’t make the pain go away. I don’t understand the message this show is trying to give us for this but I don’t like it. I know they were aiming for simple life simple family but.. as said, it’s never going to be simple.

-Klaus and Dave: I just felt sad. This was so pitiful. They did them so dirty. Also, I know it’s not the show’s fault because they changed actors but Dave looked so young. In season 1, he looked about the same age as Klaus if not older.. In season 2, he looks like a precious baby boy. Like, I know they changed actors but I couldn’t get the vibe out of my head. But back to the main point. I feel like their relationship was sadder. Dave ended up going earlier. As well as he might avoid anyone who looks like Klaus because it would sort of be creepy. What hurt most is when Dave punched him. That hurts. Poor Klaus, again, he didn’t even get to say goodbye properly. He has to deal with losing him again but since we get less Klaus scenes this season, we can only speculate. I wish they could be together but they never could. One of the saddest love stories.

-Ben and Jill: I want Ben to be happy, I really do. But... he’s dead. He was doomed to have no love interest from the start. Though it is cute to see him crush over her. But the concept it a bit weird you know? He possessed Klaus to get to her and he was about to have sex in Klaus’s body. That says a l o t. Plus we didn’t really get to explore Jill as a character. So I didn’t really care about her and we prolly won’t ever. But I hope wherever Ben is now, he can vibe peacefully.

-Allison and Luther: I hate this. They’re siblings. It’s not all of them being under the same roof, it’s all of them being raised by someone who adopted them together. IT DOESN’T MATTER IF NOT BIOLOGICAL. I’m so glad it got called out this season. Though, it’s so hard to see them as just siblings now because of how often it gets called out. But no. just no.

-Sissy and Carl: Um. I don’t know what to think but both of them were unstable af. I wonder why Sissy married him in the first place if she didn’t want to commit to him. I guess Carl was a different person? Hmm, he manipulated her for sure but that’s because he wanted the family to stay together. Around the time he was about to shoot her that’s when it was clear they weren’t a fit at all. But I think Carl could have improved before that scene with Vanya. Fucking disgusting. But, honestly before that scene I couldn’t tell if he was genuine or not. Cause, he did look like he loved Sissy while Sissy would give off looks. It’s pitiful. But eh, this is the unhappy marriage trope so...

-Reginald and Grace: This was heart breaking. I genuinely loved seeing emotion on Reginald and Grace was a perfect match. When they broke up I AGH. I wish they had more moments.

Familial(I’m highlighting important ones but feel free to skip) There were less. and there was a LACK OF FIVE AND KLAUS. Their dynamic was one of my favorites in the first season.

-Luther and Vanya: I was hesitant in their reunion. Mainly due to the fact that we get a panel of Luther holding a gun. But, I’m glad he didn’t end up doing anything. I’m also glad he apologized. Their relationship is unsteady but it’s growing ish. But aside from the first few episodes, we don’t really get much. I’m just glad he’s not being shitty to her.

-Luther and Five: Ngl Luther’s incompetence gets made up from Five’s competence. It’s funny. When there were two five’s it was so f u n n y. Luther was just panicking everywhere. He was like “He hAs A pOiNt” and then like “oh no we’re going to kill him???!??!”. It’s cute I guess. Though when they first reunited, it was annoying as hell. I thought their dynamic was going to be lame but this wasn’t bad I suppose.

-Luther and Diego: Hehe. They are highkey two brain cells left energy. If I remember correctly, the first season contained them fighting over what to do or who’s “leader”. They didn’t have as much moments this season but I remember Diego chasing after Luther when Luther threw hands. It was cute in a sibling-y way. They were okay. I mean, as okay as any unstable family but it was nice seeing their meaningless little fights out of the way.

-Diego and Five: It was like arcs talking to each other. Diego was basically representing “Save Kennedy!” while Five was like “END OF THE WORLD”. Lucky for them that it was connected. But if it wasn’t, imagine that huge waste of time. Anyways, they were okay-ish. Five didn’t want to deal with Diego’s shit half the time but that’s just Five. Their connection grew after Diego went to the commission because I mean, they can now both relate. However, Diego only stayed there for a little bit while Five stayed there longer. And Diego was only recruited because his “girlfriend” wanted him. But either way, they now have something more to talk about.

-Diego and Ben: This was a cute heartfelt moment. And.. honestly I wanted more. Not just with Diego and Ben but with Ben and well EVERYONE. But at least this small moment was given. Just, Diego’s realization that it’s Ben. His dead brother. It hurt you know.

-Allison and Klaus: This duo I swear. I don’t really like it because I’d say these two are the chillest aside from Vanya. Their reunion was really sweet true but the way they dealt with problems? Allison is the more sane of the two yet Klaus’s influence helps her relax. However, Klaus is unstable and Allison didn’t really help him exactly. She just drank with him. Yes, she asked him how he was. But right after she goes to drinking. EVEN BEN WAS SMILING WHEN SHE PUT DOWN THE FLASK. And then she promoted more booze. That’s a way of coping for some people. But, I don’t think the time was right. Klaus was trying to be sober. I don’t think promoting what he’s not trying to be is a good idea, especially at that time. Then for Allison, I mean as Klaus said himself “Allison, your marriage is in trouble and your rally turned into a riot”. She shouldn’t be drinking either. She should be thinking of what to do. It doesn’t take until later.

-Allison, Vanya and Klaus: Their dance was really cute. I loved it so much. It’s what I wanted from season 2 in the first place. The siblings to have fun with no weight of the world on them. Allison and Vanya’s reunion was so sweet. I loved every second except the part where they got drunk and started to be like LeT’S coNfEss mY lOVe. But, it did get the plot along. I’m just happy they found solitude in each other while their other brothers were a fidgety mess.

-Five, Diego and Luther: Speaking of that fidgety mess, these three were all over the place. There were some funny moments like Five being so done and changing his clothes. While Diego and Luther were like h u h ? And they also had moments where they talked about daddy issues. Also when Luther and Diego found Elliot dead and threatened a person until Five came was hilarious.

-Klaus and Ben: Ngl, I found this relationship very bitter because KLAUS WOULDN’T LISTEN. Ben keeps trying to say something or prove what he should do but Klaus keeps ignoring his remarks. It’s very unhealthy especially when Klaus has the upper hand. He doesn’t even give Ben the chance to interact with his other siblings. While Ben misses them dearly. It’s heartbreaking to watch.

-Five and Vanya: I LOVED THAT MOMENT WHERE THEIR POWERS BATTLED. Even if it was for a split second, it looked so cool. Anyways, I don’t have much to say on this one because they didn’t interact as much I’d say but it was chill. A chill siblingship. Though, Five was being rude when he completely disregarded the fact that Vanya has people she care about in that time. He was too focused on the end of the world and that’s okay but he has to understand his siblings. I’m not using it against him though, he doesn’t exactly know how to read signs. But when you put them together by the end, it’s nice seeing Vanya having more control of who she is instead of being pushed around.

-Five and Reginald: It’s interesting. Five hasn’t seen his father in a long time and there he is. And, he’s scared or if not scared then hesitant, really hesitant. His father is someone who treated him like shit but he is someone who also raised him and has the knowledge to who he is.Of all the people, he looks to him when there’s no other choice. It’s interesting to see this because Five rarely hesitates. And seeing a man who has no real threat to him in that timeline but he knows how much he has hurt him. It’s breathtaking. Among all his children, I’d say Reginald gravitates to Five the most because as said he’s the most reasonable. As most theories for season 3 would suggest, Reginald probably chooses different kids because he’s seen how fucked up his kids are in the past. But, he talked to Five and I just wonder why he’d not choose him. I guess just speculation that Five was also fucked up. Anyhow, their bar scene was nice. It was simple yet had a lot of weight to it, especially to Five. Another scene I liked is when Five was spying on Reginald in the closet thing and Reginald stared at it. It was a shot of them looking at each other with Reginald having the authority while Five hides. It’s a nice frame to think on and what it means for them.

-Vanya and Ben: I FUCKING LOVED THIS. Even if it was one scene, I could replay it all day. Because Vanya, a woman who has been numerously ignored or pushed aside as a threat by her own family, finally has one family member who thoroughly cares...And he’s dead. She’s been through so much and no one ever seems to take her as her own person which is so depressing to watch. Until Ben. Ben was so peaceful and gentle with her. He knew she could explode at any moment but he also knew that she’s hurting and scared so God damn much. She feels like there’s something wrong with her and she doesn’t even feel like she’s deserving to live. And Ben took the time to phrase it gently but had so much weight to it because of how true it is. “You aren’t a monster, you’re my sister.”He reassures her that she is not something to be afraid of, not a ticking bomb. But a person who he loves deeply, his sister. He reassures her she’s not alone. He makes sure of that and he lets her know he believes in her. I just loved that so much. He was the only one who reached out when it felt like everyone was against her. And she opened up to him because he was the only one who would listen. That’s so touching and I’m so glad they had that moment. I’d say that was the best moment in the whole season. Their relationship says it all in that one scene.

-All of them: It would be such crack energy + daddy issues whenever they were all in the same room. It was entertaining but half the time they fought or bickered so it sometimes didn’t go anywhere. I wish they had more fight scenes though because they’d look united as a family whenever they were against the same enemy. But I suppose we’ll have to wait for season 3 to see that.

Other

-Five and the Handler: The Handler character gives major pedo vibes. So it’s very uncomfortable when we watch her have those little touches on Five. It’s very meticulous in showing their relationship. Five doesn’t want anything to do with her while the handler just keeps getting closer. Their fights back and forwards remind me of Sherlock and Moriarty. It’s all big game and gamble. Though for Five and the Handler it’s less of a game. It’s fun to watch I suppose but I would’ve liked to see another force opposing Five aside from just The Handler all the time. She’s a good contrast to his character though. He always refers to her when there’s nothing else. And we get to see his soft side with his siblings and how he wants to keep saving them and how he always emphasizes it.

-Five and Lila: Half the time if not most, Five wanted nothing to do with her. It was hilarious in a sense that Five was oblivious for most of it. Lila was a pained girl who had anger to take out. And Five was there, being an asshole. Yeah, in the mental side, Five was a bitch while Lila being emotional is not a good match. Their power fights were really hard-core, I loved it. Their original connection was through the handler and Diego then morphed into the whole killing parents thing. It was fun.

-Five and Five: This was hilarious. Too fucking good. Though, it gave me headaches thinking of all the times where if this Five dies then... Plus this time older Five has the correct formula now which could change? But that’s for a different timeline now or universe. I enjoyed watching them. When they were “fighting” it played one of my childhood bops. They oppose each other so well that it’s so comedic. It’s a nice touch.

-The Handler and Lila: Mother Gothel and Rapunzel or Thanos and Gamora vibes-- Anyhow, their relationship was very manipulative but hey that’s the handler’s specialty. It was okay, just a regular villain deceiving lost child trope. Though this one had more loyalty on Lila. For, this one had more love put into it. I’m not sure exactly if the handler loved Lila for real but we see shots where she takes care of Lila and takes pictures on her in a pretty dress. That’s cute which is understandable to why Lila is always so hesitant in picking between what she wants and what her mother wants. But as seen in the first half, she chooses Five. She chooses her mother. That’s a strong bond they got even for the handler. Though I guess it’s safe to say that the handler doesn’t really care about Lila if she was ready to kill her. I suppose Lila just brought amusement and help but as soon as she’s useless, gone. (Same with Mother Gothel and maybe Thanos?)Honestly though I got confused at one point because didn’t the Handler badmouth Lila’s parents? She said “Her mother who rescued her from those gin-addled, neglectful parents--”. If Lila didn’t believe in those words, she would’ve interrupted. If Lila did, then why did she care so much if they died? Yes, they are still her parents. But, she was so defensive over who killed them in the second half of the season. She kept calling them innocent and such. It was a bit out of the blue I suppose but eh.

-Ray and Luther/Klaus: It’s important to note that Ray is fighting for black rights as well as his wife. Now, to find out that she might’ve lived in a “white” world is a big shock to him. I can understand why that anger was built. I’m not going to go into detail because I’m sure others can explain it better than I can but in general, Ray felt betrayed by Allison. His expectation of her once he sees Luther and Klaus. Yet, Klaus is more likable since you know he helps him out of jail. They had cute moments in jail too. Luther looks lost af and I just don’t like how aggressive Ray becomes when he sees him.

-Harlan and Vanya: It’s probably setting up for the future plots but I found it unnecessary to give Harlan Vanya’s powers. honestly during the whole time he was screaming and shit, I was just like...Is that...Will from stranger things?? BECAUSE BOTH OF THEM WERE POSSESSED BY SOMETHING OUT OF THEIR CONTROL. But anyways their relationship is okay, Vanya helps him calm down but I guess it would’ve been nice to see more bonding.

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PLOT

-There were so many arcs-too many. To the point where it was such a jumble of what was going on. From activism to queer rights to daddy issues to mafia to mental asylum to a broken family to more broken families to etc. All leading to the major plot of “the world is ending”. I get it, they were trying to make the story more eventful. However, some of them were pressing issues that should be used more than a plot device to move the story along.

-I know each character was separated to shine individually but I wanted to see more group work. We already saw their individuality in season 1, this was just a different environment. The only group work where they all were looking badass was in a timeline that ceased to exist(Specifically the one where they fought during the Soviet Union-Us War). They sort of worked together in the end but LMFAO half the time some of them were pinned or just not doing anything.

-I have to say, this whole season just gave me a hardcore repeat of the first season. Again, all the siblings are separated. Again, Five goes looking for them but then goes and fucks around finding plans/leads. Again, the siblings fuck around. Again, the commission tries to hunt them down. Again, they are tricked to killing each other. Again, Vanya is the cause but this time they were able to mend it. Again Again Again Again. Just please. I was really looking forward to seeing something new. I wanted to see their younger selves because by the end of season 1 they turned younger?? But instead we get a repeat of season 1 with a bunch of differences that weren’t able to be fully expounded. It’s like this season was a plot device itself for season 3. It was used to find out more characters and find out more of the universe. While the mental stability remains the same.

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NOTES

~Sissy’s family. I don’t know what to say about this family. It’s obviously fucked up. Harlan is just like confused majority of the time. While Sissy and Carl have so many issues. I really had hope for Carl until that homophobic remark and the fact that he tried to shoot his wife. I know I know it’s obvious to see Carl as the asshole immediately but it would’ve been nice to see a change of pace where Carl is worth staying for: He cares about his son, he wants to keep the family together and he cares whether or not Sissy still loves him. And therefore giving Sissy more of a hard option. It adds more depth. But eh.

~Transitions/Editing. I guess it’s the same as the first season but for me, the transitions felt more abrupt and off-timing. Like, sometimes it would show Luther after 2 scenes when I’ve been waiting for Five after four scenes. It made my head spin, especially with the amount of arcs. But I guess that’s normal. As for editing, the part where Ben possessed Klaus, I really wished they made it Ben sooner because for 2 minutes I’m just staring at Klaus. It was okay though.

~The commission. As said earlier, the villains weren’t as entertaining. I loved the three brothers but to say they were more fun to watch than Hazel and Chacha? Mm. Not it for me. More heartbreaking sure. But not more fun. Anyhow, the commission seems like one big mess within itself. It’s so easy to go in their building and mess up time. I mean, what kind of security do they have? No one was protecting board control room thing. I’m not undermining Diego but ?? It seems like high school where people can just slip in and out easily. Also, the amount of commission that died from that last fight. That was a big yikes. I understand their role in the story but it was very undermining to watch them.

~Previous season 2 hopes. I really thought they were going down the child route. Like, I thought Five would bring them back to the time where they all were still children aka still being raised. This would include Ben being alive. This wouldn’t keep the same pressure as the apocalypse but instead a new one on how to prevent it but still being years from that time. They know it’s Vanya and this time they’ll take the time to understand her. They’ll take the time in understanding each other. Frankly, some of my favorite parts of this season would be when they’re bonding. Because they rarely get to do that in season 1. This season 2 would be bonding-centric, while dealing with their powers. I mean, aside from those few flashbacks in season 1, how badass would it be to see it in real time? We would get to explore their capabilities. It would make them look united, it would make their mental issues seem addressed and it would let them have the playful youth they deserve. I guess that’s more of a fanfiction idea though. Most fans probably wants more action than affection so I understand why they took this route. Probably because they wanted to keep the same actors too. But still, it would’ve been nice.

~Season 3 hopes. Not going to lie, my season 3 hopes are probably a bit similar to season 2. The only difference is age. I want their mental issues to be a d d r e s s e d. With the lack of apocalypse, there’s going to be less pressure on their shoulders. Especially Five. I’m looking forward to what he’s going to do in his free time. I’m looking forward to see what they all do without that much pressure on their shoulders. They’re obviously going to be more bonded now but will they just keep away again? As for the new group, I honestly thought they were going to be them but raised differently but I guess not. There’s definitely going to be more of an interest on Ben. It’s a whole new one and I’m interested in seeing how their powers and dynamics work. As well as interactions with the OG UA. Though, I feel like it won’t be major in terms of them going against each other. Like, of course they will have one point because I’m sure some of them are competitive af. But, it’ll be more fun than more of a problem. I’m sure they’re all going to unite as one against an opposing force. Maybe an alien arc. Reggie being an alien is also probably going to get addressed and will also maybe become a problem about alien invasion, unless they leave that for later seasons. Lila is also going to come back I bet. I hope no more handler. And if the commission is involved in any way, make them more fun to see in their world building. I’m looking forward to seeing them all though.

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Overall, as most movies or shows, I think the Umbrella Academy is a wonderful concept with so many interesting stories to tell but execution could need more work. As well as script. Though I’m not saying it’s all bad. Of course there were moments I’d laugh at, of course moments my heart ached and of course moments I loved. It’s not all bad unlike-- Anyways, it was a nice adventure and I’m looking forward to what season 3 has to bring~~

#Umbrella Academy #Umbrella Academy Season 2 #Umbrella Academy Season 2 Review #Umbrella Academy Season 2 Rant #Rant #iWISHTHEYHADMOREFIVEANDKLAUSISTG #Spoilers

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nattikay · 5 years ago

Text

So I don’t typically like making personal posts of this type, as I generally come here to escape all that and relax, but at this point I’m just not really sure where else to go with it, all things considered.

Anyways...I’ve been...stressed lately. No, coronavirus isn’t the root cause of it, but it certainly ain’t helping (as I will explain later).

So the first thing I guess...is my younger sister’s wedding tomorrow. To explain why this is a stressor I first have to reveal a bit about myself, a little deeper than I am usually comfortable doing on the internet, and I know it’s ultimately gonna make me sound like...kinda a selfish butthole.

So...I’ve always greatly valued the concept of marriage and family. It’s a value I hold very dear, I always have, and I’ve always wanted to one day get married and have kids of my own. However, I’ve also always struggled hugely with social anxiety, for pretty much as long as I can remember, and needless to say dating does not come easily to me.

For a while, that was ok because I had other goals to work towards in the meantime...getting into my college of choice...getting into their animation program...doing well in my classes...graduating...getting a job...but now I’ve done all those things, and getting married would be the natural next step in life.

...if I could actually fall in love with someone.

So I’m stuck. I feel like I’m just treading water, or running in circles. I feel like I can’t progress and it’s scary. But progressing itself, going out and meeting people, opening myself up like that--is also scary. It’s like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. A lose-lose situation.

I did have a sort-of boyfriend towards the end of college, but then I graduated and moved away and, well...things are a bit complicated. I still chat with him online now and then, but we only see each other in-person maybe once or twice a year for conventions. And even though we’re still on good terms in a friendly sorta way, given the time and distance I’m not sure whether or not he’s still interested in pursuing that type of relationship with me, nor am I sure how to bring it up without making him feel awkward.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should’ve stayed in Utah after I graduated, found a job there and been able to spend more time with him...but I didn’t...and now a part of me feels like...I dunno....like I missed my chance?

But...all of that’s a tangent...it’s not the only issue...

So anyways...like I said...this is my younger sister’s wedding. For those who don’t know, I’m the oldest sibling in my family. Maybe I wouldn’t feel as stressed if my sister were older than me. But as it is...this is the first time in my life that I haven’t been first to a major life event. And yes, I know, I know it’s not a race, it’s not a competition, etc. etc. etc....I know. But...it’s a reminder.

I’m stuck, and now I’m being “surpassed” and I’m constantly being reminded.

And things seemed to work out so easily for her too. She met this guy less than a year ago and they’re absolutely head-over-heels obsessed with each other.

and I don’t

understand

that?

I mean, her fiancé’s a good guy don’t get me wrong, and they’re really happy together and I’m glad of that, but at the same time...watching how they are with each other, how they interact...I don’t...know that I’ve ever felt that? And in my head, I wish I could, it seems like it’d be so nice but...

guys, sometimes I feel like I’m broken.

I feel like I don’t have that capacity to get so excited over a real person the way my sister and her fiancé are about each other.

Not romantically. Not even platonically.

Except...not quite. I do have some capacity to be all giddy. But...it only ever seems to happen with fictional characters, animals, or plushies.

Never real people. Never real relationships.

and I don’t

understand

why

And quite frankly, I’m terrified, absolutely terrified that that’ll lead me to being forever alone

And yes, I know that some people are perfectly content to live their lives single, and that’s fine and you do you and I’m not gonna judge you or say you’re invalid or whatever; I don’t believe that. But...I don’t think I’m one of those people. Marriage and family is something I hold too dear to my heart to just give up on the idea of having my own.

But...like I said...reminders.

Reminders, reminders, and reminders of one of my weaknesses, one of my struggles, of a concept that utterly frightens me and I have to be around it constantly right now. And when I’m with other people, I have to do it with a smile.

I love my sister, don’t get me wrong. And like I said, her fiancé’s a good guy. I’m glad they’re happy. I don’t want to ruin that for them with my selfish struggles. Just because I’m unhappy right now doesn’t mean I have to drag them down with me. They deserve to have a good time.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not struggling.

So...there. That’s why my sister’s wedding is a stressor for me.

On top of all that...the wedding was supposed to be in April, in Utah. But because of the coronavirus shutdowns, we’ve had to to some last-minute rearrangements, and now it’s tomorrow here in Alabama. This has been extremely stressful on my mom, who really put a lot of dedication into the wedding planning and is bummed that it didn’t work out. She’s been particularly frazzled this past week, constantly scrambling to get all the rearrangements taken care of and terrified that more shutdowns with mess it all up again.

This is why I’m making this post here. Usually I would talk to my mom, or my therapist...but I don’t have another therapy appointment for a few weeks (if it hasn’t been cancelled for the virus) and my mom, well...she has enough of her own problems to deal with right now. I don’t want to burden her with mine.

And then there’s the situation at work. With the whole social distancing thing going on they’re trying to get as many people set up to work remotely as possible. Unfortunately, because of what I do and the way our network works, this entails bringing home my entire computer setup, which is a hassle in itself on merely a physical level. I stuck it out coming into the office longer than most of my coworkers, but my mom texted me today saying that they’re now talking about shutting down all “non-essential” businesses so if I wanted to work at all over the next little bit and not eat up vacation hours I should just bite the bullet and move my setup home. So I did.

But now there’s another potential problem. I’ve got all the hardware and it should work just fine...but I also need internet connectivity in order to access our pipeline. As we were packing up my stuff, my coworker mentioned that he wasn’t actually sure if the computers had wifi capabilities and that I might have to plug it in directly...which could be a problem, because the internet connection is on the other side of the house from where I’d be working, and even if I moved my setup to that room I’m pretty sure I’d have to unplug the router in order to plug in this computer and then everyone else would lose their wifi...which would really suck with all of us being stuck at home right now, and would be especially detrimental to my dad who is also working from home right now and needs the wifi.

Granted, I haven’t actually tried to hook it up just yet, so who knows, I might just get lucky and it’ll have wifi capabilities after all...but I don’t know for sure yet.

I mentioned this issue to my mom when I got home today, mostly just to warn her that I might have to make some weird arrangements like a long extensions cord or something (if it doesn’t in fact have wifi). Alas, that turned out to be a mistake...like I said, my mom’s already really stressed with the wedding stuff and a potential work computer problem just added fuel to the fire and then she started stressing about that too even though it’s not really a thing she needs to be worrying about, it’s my problem to figure out...but nonetheless I felt pretty guilty for making her feel even more stressed that she already was.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t get my work computer connected at home. I guess just bring it back to the office...but that’s assuming people with still be allowed in the building at all come next week. I just...I dunno man. I don’t know.

All this mess has led to me starting to experience certain anxiety symptoms that I haven’t really dealt with since I first went on my medication a few years ago, which means the stress is getting bad enough to...override the meds a bit. I guess. idk, the symptoms haven’t been too severe but the fact that they’re there at all...hng.

If you made it through this whole mess, congrats, I’m impressed

tl;dr

everything’s a mess, everyone’s stressed, I have anxiety and I don’t know who to talk to

not really looking for advice so much as just somewhere to vent and maybe some comfort, idk

Thanks for your time

-NattiKay

#just a really big vent #if you actually get through the whole thing...I'm impressed #but don't feel obligated to #just trying to get some things off my chest I guess #idk #just don't really know where to turn right now #:/

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sheblah · 5 years ago

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002 for DT x Bow (I'm interested now ansnsn) and 003 Bow '3'

002 | Bow / Double Trouble

When I started shipping them: Long after S4 dropped, at some point when I was planning a certain future!fic. It's not a DoubleBow fic, but I realized it could easily become one, and the idea hasn't left me since.

My thoughts: This is definitely a weird ship as of S4, but if you can get past the weirdness, it has a lot of potential to be interesting above all else.

What makes me happy about them: They're opposites morally, but they're both smart, both have high emotional intelligence, and both have led successful double lives at some point... though one was a bit higher risk than the other lol. I can't see it progressing past the stage of surprise attraction and earnest (possibly platonic) personal discussion. Like, dating? Marriage?? Not likely. But uncovering the amoral mercenary's personal history and realizing you can actually sympathize with them, and you want to know more about them? Realizing the bleeding heart archer understands you better than you thought, and actually seems to care about you for some reason? That's the good stuff.

What makes me sad about them: They've barely even looked at each other in canon.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: There really... aren't... any fics about them? I think? So what's annoying is I have to write them myself lmao.

Things I look for in fanfic: If there was fanfic, I would want to see it explore how different they are while also drawing unexpected similarities, and emphasis on how unprepared they are for how much they suddenly care about each other. Would also love to see how jarring it is - for Bow specifically. They could be talking, nice and friendly, everything's going well, and then suddenly DT says something that brings Bow to a screeching halt and reminds him that DT is not a good person. Then he's left trying to reconcile everything he knows about them - how can they be so amiable, and fun, and even kind in their own weird way, but still enjoy other people's suffering? How can they just be chatting with him and calling him pet names when they were perfectly okay helping the Horde a matter of months ago? And is it even okay for him to be their friend, knowing all this? Just a terrible inner conflict. And frankly, DT would probably find it amusing. But all of that can be perfectly platonic. Ship-wise, I'd like to see Bow get extremely flustered from DT's flirting, because he has not at all exercised his romance muscle during the war and their flirt-o-meter only goes to 10. Also, Bow realizing with some alarm that DT is actually pretty?? And tall?? And their strange lizard behaviors are quickly becoming endearing to him??

My wishlist: Actually the above is p much a wishlist oops but as far as S5 goes PLEASE let them talk to each other ONCE.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: For Bow, Glimmer (I prefer them as friends honestly but I'd be okay with a ship too). For DT, Catra, or various other people, or no one at all.

My happily ever after for them: Bow convinces DT to give up the mercenary life by offering a place to stay and a stable food source so they no longer have to do whatever it takes to survive. DT starts to unlearn their "it's you or me" mentality and open up to Bow and reluctantly gets adopted by his dads who can never have enough children.

003 | Bow

How I feel about this character: Best boy. Could befriend anyone. Eminently shippable. Underappreciated.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Glimmer, Perfuma, DT.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: Glimmer, Adora, also DT cause it would be interesting romance or no.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Idk I think me and the fandom are pretty unanimous in our love for this guy. I guess I just think there are some nice "dark" aspects to his character too, and I'd like to see them explored more. I mean this guy fooled his parents with an elaborate ruse for years. He has a huge capacity for deception, and is especially good at it because he's usually very honest so no one would expect it from him. And even though his family comes off as happy and supportive, he felt his dads' love was fragile enough that that ridiculous ruse was necessary. That's fun stuff, let's talk about that!

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I really wanted the pulse weapon in S4E4 to have a more severe impact on him. He basically took a small nuke point-blank. I would've liked to see some of the episode dedicated to his recovery and the rest of the team realizing how much they rely on him.

Favorite friendship for this character: Best Friend Squad forever. And eventually Catra post-series because she needs a good influence in her life.

My crossover ship: i truly can't think of any, i think I'll ignore this question on future asks lol

#ask #bow #she ra bow #ask game #meta #text #long post #she ra #spop

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cassatine · 5 years ago

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Hi, I sent you an ask a while ago about Ben Solo living after redemption, and I just wanted to say thanks for your in-depth thoughts. I also saw TROS and although I was disappointed/grieved, it was Rey’s story that really got to me and made me feel miserable. I wanted an atonement story, a romance, but I also didn’t want to lose our heroine on the altar of nostalgia. It all felt so status quo, “leadership” and capitalist. I’m not insecure about what I wanted from this story anymore. Fuck Disney.

Hi nonnie! Glad to see you again, although I do wish both of us had more to celebrate wrt TROS, and sorry for the late reply - I’ve been Reacting to TROS quite a bit, but tbh mostly circling the Rey & Kylo Ben arcs because it hurt me in a way other aspects of the shitty subtext and bad pacing don’t, and I’m still untangling… idk, the ways that it’s shitty because it is, and the ways that it’s shitty for me, because it hit some personal stuff and I was completely unprepared for that.

Longish rambles under cut

My thoughts on redemption and atonement haven’t changed, but it’s been on my mind a lot recently so I’m taking the occasion to air some more here.

I wrote this in your first ask (I think it’s the one)

I’m not even that much of a fan of redemption arcs on a personal level, but these arcs, whether they’re about the nitty-gritty of redemption and the difficult process of realizing, admitting and then acting on the fact that you fucked up, that you were wrong, that you did wrong, whether they’re fantastic and exaggerated and written in blood across the stars - they’re about people’s capacity to change for the better, to come back from the worst version of themselves. They’re about the fact that however far you might err, you can change paths; it’s never too late. What’s not to like in that? It’s some of the best humanity has to offer, the very capacity to grow and learn and admit wrongs and become better for it.

TROS sure didn’t change my mind on that - in fact I’ve seen enough people saying Kylo Ben Deserved Death and read enough Terrio/Abrams interviews by now that I’m feeling it more than ever. I kind of want to talk about in terms of different views of justice, restorative vs. punitive, but what I really can’t stop thinking about is that one definition of redemption, “deliverance from sin.” I’m not religious, but I bathed in enough catholicism growing up that this does mean something to me - I’m not hot on the whole notion of sin, but deliverance? God cares about sinners is what it means; it’s the whole fucking point. God forgives, and doesn’t yeet you in a fucking pit when you finally decide to get your act on straight.

Ahem. I’m talking in religious terms because I’ve been seeing a lot of reactions couched in a very different view of sin, which posits that once you’ve been tainted, whatever the circumstances, it’s done and over, you’re bad forever. To the pit you go. It’s not something I find a lot of beauty in (a euphemism for the ages). It’s not the same view of God, and it’s not the same view of human nature.

Which circles back to justice, restorative vs punitive - there’s a wide array of positions, of course, but fundamentally if you’re inclined to believe tainted once tainted forever, that this is human nature, you’re much more likely to go for punitive justice, and with a depressing regularity on socmed, as far as ‘actually I can totes cast the first stone’. And you kinda need to believe humans can grow better to go for restorative justice, or to at least to want it to be true.

I’ve been thinking about how I don’t particularly care for redemption arcs myself; I like them fine, but I’m not… enthusiastic? about them. I compare that to people to whom these stories matter deeply, and I don’t want to overgeneralize because there are plenty of reasons to be drawn to redemption stories, personal or otherwise, but I’m coming to think a big reason why I don’t respond much to redemption arcs (unless they titillate my id for another reason) is basically that I don’t need the affirmation that people/me can grow better and come back from the worst version of themselves. It’s A Given that’s pretty much been drilled in my head and that I’ve never seen reason to undrill, even at my most misanthropic (and that was A Lot).

This was a lot of rambling but what I’m saying is yeah holy fuck we need redemption stories that delve in the process of atonement and where do we go from there. No one fucking misinterpret me on this, but fiction does have an impact - a story’s never just a story: it comes with its creator(s)’ views and questions and beliefs, it makes points consciously or unconsciously. As audience we can challenge ourselves with stories that challenge our own mindset. Or do the opposite, find affirmation in stories - and both are good! some things do need to be affirmed (like people’s capacity to grow better), although I’m also veeery dubious of points like happy endings are better or those be the rules here is the template a story must follow; I enjoy escapism as much as anyone and I don’t particularly want to challenge my views with every piece of fiction I consume nor do I think anyone should do that, but I’m wary of any position that boils down to “fiction should be comfortable” because - and again! I like escapism! it’s kinda like asking for the bread & games back but without the bread.

Anyway, I’m really oversimplifying but basically, imo the most impactful thing fiction can do is challenge people’s views and all that jazz, and I’m all for challenging the kind of bullshit TROS served us and the whole notion that sin doesn’t wash off eveeeer and that at best redemption is death in sacrifice.

I’m not even going in the Good Child / Bad Child vibes in TROS. I should, because it makes the whole thing even less palatable, but honestly, I just can’t.

Okay. I think I’m done with that.

Going back to your actual ask -

I also saw TROS and although I was disappointed/grieved, it was Rey’s story that really got to me and made me feel miserable. I wanted an atonement story, a romance, but I also didn’t want to lose our heroine on the altar of nostalgia. It all felt so status quo, “leadership” and capitalist. I’m not insecure about what I wanted from this story anymore. Fuck Disney.

tbh foregoing my own preferences the main reason TROS sucks *that bad* is… well you more or less said it. It’s a film that feels like it’s been designed by a marketing team trying to reach the widest possible audience by having something in it for everyone at a purely cosmetic level. I’ve mentioned the shitty subtext (and it’s A Lot, like the core thesis of the film imo is [this], pretty much every woman’s done dirty [thread], Poe’s background is fucking racist and Space Orientalism is in full form, and here’s for [Finn & troopers & agency], and [my fears aging like fine wine], just for a top-five-or-so of Things That Set Me Off), but the shitty subtext is there because it’s a soulless, incoherent void of a film that can’t commit to anything.

It is… *drumrolls* A Product. As disappointing as TROS was, at the end of the day there’s really no reason to expect stories produced by fucking disney to truly commit to pushing narratives that criticize the status quo they thrive on. “SW is about fighting fascism” my whole ass, SW is about American nostalgia for nicely black and white conflicts and under the surface it’s always been reactionary af. It could always be read in different ways, and R1 & TLJ let us glimpse a version of the franchise that could grow beyond, and maybe there’ll be more of that, but I’m not gonna hold my hopes up personally.

Sorry I wish I had more positive things to say - I’m glad you don’t feel insecure about what you wanted from the story anymore though because like… why would you? All of us are invested and we want the story to resonate with us on a personal level. Nothing wrong with wanting romance and atonement or a heroine that’s not done dirty.

#star wars #rise of skywalker #meta #spoilers #im still so bitter #anon #ask

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sketchyclaws · 5 years ago

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002 aspen snow?

How I feel about this character

Hooooooo boy. Okay. So, listen. I love Aspen Snow. That’s the shortest version I can give. Aspen Snow ...makes me sad sometimes, though. Because she’s been through so much, because she’s going through a lot almost entirely alone right now. Because I think she’s a good cat and an interesting, great character -- but she’s in a lot of pain and that’s sad to me. If I could I would make all the nice things for her so she would smile and feel better! But perhaps that’s channeling my inner Feather Mist. I don’t know what it is specifically about her that’s so neat to me, but she just... she’s the kind of character you can picture with a leather jacket and a motorbike, or something. She’s just cool! I would use the saying “still waters run deep” but that doesn’t seem quite right either. Whatever it is about her, Aspen Snow always catches my attention and I’m always excited to see her out and about, even if my OC doesn’t interact very often with her. Maybe I have a soft spot because Aspen was the first OC I got to RP with when I joined? Idk. Anyways. I feel a LOT for Miss Aspen’d Snew but I lack the brain capacity to articulate it. Love her.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

I’m a simple man. I see two best friends, I think: hey, wouldn’t it be neat if--? Spark and Aspen are great. I haven’t seen TOO much of them, because I basically missed so much of their interactions and watching them grow up together, but listen. Listen. I can feel it, okay? It’s nice. It’s cute. It’s not easy, per se, especially now in light of recent events but... still! SparkAspen is a cute ship. Best pals turned ??? turned mates. Cute. Another ship with Aspen that I do enjoy is Flaming Wind. With them it’s almost.... easier? I guess? Because they’re both winter-borns. They’ve got each other’s backs in battle, they’ve got this sort of mutual understanding of what it means to FIGHT for something and that it takes to protect your tribe. Plus Flaming Wind is such an easy-going dude, he’s very witty and charming and I think that’s nice for Aspen because she always seems so serious. I could definitely see her warming up to him even more. Either way I think he’ll always be a good friend to her and a confidant, but wouldn’t it be nice to fall in love with someone who understands being on the frontlines of battle? Someone you aren’t leaving behind to worry about you? Y’know? Just two bros, chillin in a hot tub---

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Hmm. If she ended up with Spark, I’d say Flaming -- and vice versa. I think either of those boys would be such good, loyal friends to her and in time I think she could come to lean and rely on both of them in different ways. Otherwise, I think Sparrow Tooth might be a nice friend for her. Two sharp, dangerous cats out there on the prowl. They both might be a bit too serious for the other, but I can see them at the very least becoming trusted comrades in fights and stuff. Like a coworker you respect a lot, even if you don’t hang out outside of the corporate barbeque, y’know? Probably not. That doesn’t even make sense. Anyways.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

I don’t know that I have one? I’m not really sure WHAT the popular opinion for her IS :( Maybe that she isn’t ACTUALLY stinky, like she might come across at first? She’s just a little nasty on the edges and probably nice inside. For example: she has not killed Feather Mist.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I wish either that her and Patched Petal had never had a falling out such as they did, that things remained close between them despite everything, OR that her and Spark were still close. Again, I think she’s such a neat character and I don’t want her to be sad, so! I think she deserves to have a happy ending, somewhere. Somehow.

My cross-clan ship:

Hmmm. Aspen Snow and Sageface. Hear me out; local princess protected by her strong, gruff security guard.

A headcanon fact:

Aspen Snow has a beautiful smile, even though it’s rarely seen nowadays. Alternatively: Aspen Snow gets really bad clumps in her fur during the winter, because of how fluffy it is. Sometimes she comes back to the tunnels looking like a snowman and can’t leave again until the clumps melt or are washed/picked out.

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silenthillmutual · 5 years ago

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I don't know if you're the right person to tell this to but I think my mom's emotionally abusive. She gets mad whenever I get upset at her and gaslights me(probably??) whenever I call her out. I tried to tell her that she never apologized for hurting my feelings and she responded with, "I don't have to apologize to you" and it just made me feel worse. My family's Christian and all but I'm scared to tell the pastor(or anyone) because I don't want her to get mad at me. Do you have any advice?

I guess I’m a decent source for that, and I’ve got enough spoons today to answer this!

I’ll be honest with you, a parent reacting with anger whenever you get upset with them is never a good sign. The “I don’t have to apologize to you” response is definitely emotionally abusive, especially if it’s not a reaction in a vacuum; anything as an isolated incident is understandable since we all make mistakes, but this doesn’t sound like a one-off thing.

I had a couple of friends help me through being gaslit myself; here are a few articles on the topic, all of which are pretty brief:

Were You Born Under the Gaslight?

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting

a resource post from r/RaisedByNarcissists

I’m not a psychologist in any capacity, but having been through it myself and having sat down and watched a film adaptation from where the term hails, here’s a sort of brief rundown of some things gaslighters will do to their victims:

making attempts to isolate you (from friends, from family members, etc; ex, excessive monitoring of your communications with friends to the point of taking your phone or computer so you can’t contact them, although this may be done subtly)

telling you that you have traits or attributes that do not feel or sound like things you do (ex, telling you that you are “forgetful” or “tend to lose things” even when you are not a forgetful person)

accusing you of lying, whether directly or indirectly (ex. asking, “what did you do with x thing?”, not believing you when you say you haven’t seen it; then when you find it, saying something to the effect of, “so you did know where it was”)

saying things with emotion and then denying there is any emotion behind their words (ex. if they say something to you in an angry way and when you say, “don’t be angry,” they say, “i’m not angry” and look at you like you’re crazy)

making you look bad in front of others (this can be making you look like a jerk, making you look inconsiderate, making you look foolish, like a buzzkill, etc.)

taking on a tone to imply that you are scaring them, even when you have not done or said anything out of the ordinary (if you’re thinking to yourself, “i didn’t even have any emotion behind this, i didn’t even sound angry” and they’re reacting like they’re afraid you’re going to hit you? that’s gaslighting)

whiplash mood swings and honeymooning - quickly going from being angry at you to putting on a convincing happy act in front of others; “honeymooning” is when, after a period of abuse, they start to act really nice and considerate towards you, making you think that they’ve changed, or maybe they do one really nice thing for you as a way to “make up” for their behavior (this never lasts, don’t buy it.)

turning themselves into the victim of every situation (guilt tripping you, especially in situations where you are telling them that they have hurt you. parents really love this one; it’s the “oh so i’m a horrible parent” comeback to any time you’ve ever said “this really hurt my feelings”)

infantalizing you (another parental favorite)

upsetting you in public, covertly, so that only you are aware of what they have said/done

threatening you with institutionalization

Another big one that I don’t think I mentioned here because it’s not one that came up in the film is outright denying that something ever happened. We tend to assume that’s something we’d be able to catch outright, but the truth of the matter is that their lies start out small and they do all of these things above & more for the sake of putting you off balance and confusing you so that by the time their lies get to the level of things you should be able to look at and say plainly, “that’s not true,” you’ve gotten to the point where you feel like you can’t trust your own memory or judgement of things.

I’ll give a couple examples because the list of potential things they could lie about goes between fairly small stuff to extreme stuff:

my mother claimed once that she was never on her phone during dinner

my mother claiming she’d never seen movies that not only did i remember her commentary on, but i’m pretty sure one of them we actually saw in theatres

her claiming i’d never told her things that i most definitely had told her before

combined with that one: lying about the last time we’d had contact; right before i cut off all contact with her i was able to actually screenshot the dates and times of the last time we’d spoken and send them to her

lying about actual historical facts; in my mother’s case: refusing to acknowledge that ABA had, since its inception, used aversives and was abusive in practices, was the foundation of the conversion therapy movement. i sent her screenshot and link proofs of this as well and she did not appreciate it

she also claimed that she never threatened to kick me out of the house and claimed that i promised her i would start therapy before starting HRT - neither of which are accurate or even remotely believable (you really think i’d up and move w two weeks notice halfway across the country if i hadn’t been kicked out? i have to laugh.)

Another one that did not really get shown well in the film but that I believe i’ve read somewhere and have personal experience with, is that they like to keep you traumatized. It keeps you in a state of like... uncertainty, I guess you could say. It keeps you from feeling completely lucid or in control of things, and more likely to need help and depend on them for continued support. They may also be likely to mess with your head in other ways, like with the use of drugs - and I don’t just mean illegal ones; parents who have control over your medication and make sure you take it do have to potential to keep you up on medications you don’t actually need as a method of control. (Both of these can actually be seen in use in the film Midsommar w/ the suicide ritual being a method of continued trauma and the constant drug use being...obvious. I’m sure it gets used in other places too but that was the first one to come to mind, and Aster does a really good job of showing how effective that shit is.)

I don’t really know what other religions rules are like when it comes to confidentiality. I was raised Catholic, and there was a certain understanding about priests and ethics that pretty much went that unless you had a warrant (and on top of that, a damn good reason; iirc there have been plenty who don’t even testify under oath) they weren’t to tell anyone what you told them in confidence. If you know anything about their ethics regarding that or even feel that you can ask them safely about it, it could be a good place to start if you feel that church community is one where you feel safe.

The biggest roadblock tbh is age and...idk how else to put this other than status? If you’re a minor there is, unfortunately, not a lot you can do to get away from her or get her to stop - especially if you’re in a situation where she’s really your only parent. Which is sort of what I meant by status; do you have another parent or step-parent, sibling, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc you feel you could talk to about it?

I really wish I could recommend school guidance counselors, but I’m not altogether sure they’re equipped with the right materials to help you out there. That being said, if you have a family member that you can trust to help you find a therapist outside of school, that would also be a really good resource; whether you’re an adult still living within that contact or a minor who can’t get away at the moment, a therapist can help you come up with some coping techniques to deal with it until you can safely get away. I’d suggest looking for one who specializes in trauma or in PTSD, esp if they have c-PTSD listed (the ‘c’ is for complex, which is a proposed addition(??) to PTSD that would separate a singular traumatic event from an ongoing traumatic situation like living in war zones, being a POW, domestic violence, etc). PsychologyToday has a search function for finding accredited therapists in your area that should list their specialties, credentials, and insurance plans they take. (And if you’re asked why you need one, honestly, extrapolate on a minor issue. Like tbh you could just say body image issues.) Therapists are bound by license-revoking ethics not to tell anyone what you discuss in therapy unless you are going to hurt yourself or someone else.

[If you feel you’re being monitored too closely at home and don’t have a way to get this information at school, I suggest asking a reference librarian to help you out. A lot of public libraries will have community resource information, and if they don’t have flyers or brochures out, reference librarians’ entire jobs are to help you access information whether that’s in the library or in the community! That’s why I work in LIS, lol.]

Other than that the two big pieces of advice I have are:

Build up a support network outside your family. If you feel you can’t trust them with this, or even if you’re worried about putting them in the middle of a difficult situation - and even if those aren’t concerns for you - it’s always good to have a support network that isn’t connected to the situation in some way. Most of my support network came from friends, a bulk of whom I knew from online, and from coworkers. The first person to tell me I was being gaslit was actually a coworker, who I talked to when I got kicked out and was shaken up about it. I had a p good relationship w my boss and all my coworkers there, so when I had to put in my two weeks’ notice I actually got an offer to stay with my boss in the event that the situation escalated, and also knew I could go and stay with my one of my best friends with their grandad, or their sister. In fact, right when that happened, my friends already had a kind of escape plan half-formed because things had just kind of been getting worse, and for almost a year now I’ve been living with my other best friend. Even if things never get to the point of you having to leave the house, just having people that you can rely on who will be on your side entirely is crucial to dealing with that kind of stress.

If you think or feel you may be getting gaslit - even if you’re thinking to yourself that you’re just blowing things out of proportion or that it’s “not that bad” (a lot of us go through that) - start keeping a journal of things your mother says to you. You don’t have to show anyone. Just keep it for yourself. It doesn’t even have to be anything important; like I said earlier, it can be as simple as off-handed comments about movies you’ve watched or appointments you’ve made or what have you. Write them down when they happen, date them, and then when she says something that you feel contradicts what you’ve already heard - you can fact-check it. You can also do this with screenshots if it’s over text or something, and if you think you can get away with secretly recording her on your phone that might help too. I don’t recommend telling her you’re doing this or pointing out when she’s been lying; in the event she doesn’t outright deny it she could flip it around to make herself the victim or spiral out of control and get worse - this is just for your peace of mind. The goal of gaslighting, to quote the movie, is to “systematically [drive] you out of your mind”. This would just be a way to reassure yourself that you’re not making it up, you didn’t forget, you’re not blowing things out of proportion.

If you need anything more specific, feel free to let me know! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it really just fucking sucks. But I believe you can make it! And there is an it - there’s an out, even if it’s hard to get to or takes long.

#advice #links #long post #abuse ment #gaslighting #ok to rb #ask to tag #plato posts #[redacted] asks #answers.txt

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