#idk you's tell me what to do
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we were sitting on the floor and i was cutting out tiny pictures to make a collage for a friend's birthday. you were on your phone and you laughed about something, and i was still in love with you then, so i asked what had you giggling.
"sorry. i was just..." you took a moment and went back to texting. "i was telling someone about how you're afraid of the dark."
i'm afraid of the dark because something bad happened. "oh." i felt a little slinky of shame crawl down my throat.
you glanced up, and maybe it showed on my face, because you rolled your eyes and held the phone to the side casually so i could see the group chat. "what? was it a secret?"
i looked down to the scissors in my hand. "i just..." no, it's not a secret. it just felt like something private, something serious. saying why would you tell someone that just feels like an accusation. it's unfair. i honestly am not even ashamed of it, it's just a fact about my person that i don't usually share.
what a strange experience. is this a human thing or a generational thing? for our grandparents: did they need to worry about how quickly someone can just... share your personal information? again, i didn't even really have a true objection. what could i say? i want any person in my life to feel they can be honest with their friends. it's not like i said don't tell anyone this.
i cut out another letter to complete the rainbow happy birthday, started hunting for the exclamation mark. i heard you sigh dramatically.
"don't make a big deal about this," you said.
this entire conversation was a pattern for us, and this was when we got to my least favorite part of the pattern. i would get my feelings hurt in some oblique not-technically-terrible way, and then it would be making a big deal about something. you'd get frustrated for me for being soft, but i was born soft. you knew i was soft when you pierced me. it's one of the things that made controlling me so easy.
"i'm not," i felt my voice crack. the question came without my wanting. "why are you guys talking about me?" and why are you saying that thing? why not like - i'm telling them how you're generous and kind and pretty.
you let out this low, tragic groan. "oh my god." you tossed the phone away from your body. "there, see? i just won't talk to them if you don't like it."
the rest of the hour went the way it always went, between us: i said i don't actually mind if you talk to your friends but -, you found a way to call my minor expression of discomfort "being dramatic." you got upset that i had been offended. i ended up apologizing, even though i hadn't actually done anything.
afterwards, you picked up the phone again. after texting for a little bit, you snorted. "okay," you said, "but it is kind of funny you're afraid of the dark. i mean, when you think about it."
#spilled ink#writeblr#i'm trying to write about this really specific and wierd new experience#that i think is specific to the internet generation#where people you trust can just... say whatever??? and while most people are trustworthy#sometimes they'll just like... put ur shit out there????#and the thing is that sometimes it's GOOD - i want you to tell ppl if ur partner is being cruel!!!!!#i want u to be like ''hey is it normal if xyz happens'' ... but stuff like ''she's afraid of the dark''#PARTICULARLY when it's CLEARLY making fun of me....#what is the point of that.#this is huge and complicated and happens outside of romantic relationships too btw#like someone u thought of as a friend will be like . oh did u know she's scared of heights and it's like.#girl why are u fuckin doing that tho?#it's not a SECRET i just ...???????????????????????#and i think that gross feeling of like -- ''i can't REALLY be upset bc there's not a TRUE RULE about this....''#it's just not something talked about. bc it's so specific and yet so complex#bc how could i say like '' this is a violation of trust'' when it... technically I GUESS isn't????????????#idk maybe im just like super sensitive but please tell me in the comments/tags/etc if this is#something u have experienced (a trusted person like spreading ur shit) and if u were cool with it
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(sequel to this) they broke his 100 year long depressive episode with sheer idiocy
#danny phantom#fire core au#zilly art#danny: is there something in the water or are you always like this#sam: haha idk would it be sexy if we were?#tucker: you are NOT flirting with the glowing apparition that's got knives for hands. tell me that's not what you're doing. sam. samantha#everlasting trio
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So, I responded to a post over on my personal blog about people behaving "weird" in public and mentioned that being a bit smelly is not, in fact, a moral failure. And I just looked at the comments and feel deeply moved to reiterate:
Smelling bad in public is not a moral failure.
In fact, I'll go one step further:
There is no moral dimension to cleanliness.
There are all sorts of reasons a person might be dirty in public. They might not have access to the facilities or products they need to stay clean, they might be coming home from a dirty activity, they might have mental or physical conditions that make it hard for them to maintain their personal hygiene, they might be dependent on other people for their hygiene needs and those needs aren't being met.
Also, with smells in particular, "bad" is subjective. I'm personally extremely sensitive to perfumes and aftershaves, and while I can sit quite peacefully in a crowded bus that smells of BO, I often have to leave shops or get off buses because someone's perfume, which they no doubt think makes them smell lovely, is actually making me gag.
You don't have to go and huff great, gusting lungfuls of air around the next smelly person you bump into in the corner shop. By all means, breathe through your mouth, change your seat, open the window, wish the situation were different.
But you do need to let go of this idea that a smelly or dirty person is also a bad person. They're literally just a person - just another human animal living in their animal body, trying to get from one day to the next. Sometimes, people are dirty. Sometimes, they smell bad. If that's not something you can encounter without taking personal offence, you need to seriously reassess your own expectations of being in public.
#not podcast related#oooooh some of those comments got me so mad!!!!!#literally just sometimes people smell bad idk what to tell you#as a former rugby player and someone whose adhd makes it hard for me to remember to wash#i have absolutely been a Smelly Person on public transport#and do you know what? everyone survived#even me#and yes even the person wearing so much perfume that i can taste it#is not actually a bad person#just a smelly one
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Edit since a lot of people seem confused - your "real" name is the name that you want to be referred to in real life. It doesn't have to be your legal name. So if you're trans and you have a different name to whats on your birth certificate, even if not many people call you by the name, it still counts as your real name.
Edit 2 : Holy shit guys please stop reblogging this post my poor inbox im getting like 20 notifs an hour asjfhkajshdkh /lh /srs
#FUN FACT : charlie isnt my real name :]#i decided to go with the name charlie because i didnt wanna use my real name and i like the name charlie#my parents were gonna call me charlie when i was born but didnt in the end#i dont really know why i dont just tell you lot my real name because its a super common name#another thing that using a diff name online has caused is me seeing “charlie” almost as a different person#theres “[wearegonnapretendiputmyrealnamehere]” and then theres “Charlie” and they are two different people in my mind#idk aksjffhkajsshdka#anyways this is the second poll ive made today what is my deal with polls#i should make a seperate poll tag for all my fucking polls that i make#I MAKE A LOT#ill tag all my polls when i think of a good name lol#anyways woah i got a bit rambly there#did i make a whole ass poll just because i thought you might find it interesting that my real name wasnt charlie?#yes. yes i did.#(DO NOT take this as me not wanting you lot to call me charlie i would prefer you use that name over anything else lol)#polls#tumblr polls#random polls
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[dbhc flavored] Hermit a Day May: Day 14 — Doc!
Featuring both a current-day s10 doc and a verrry early s8 post-deviant doc! :]
#TELL ME WHY THE POSE CAME OUT SO FRUITY 😭 it wasn’t intentional but yknow what. he’s kinda. so it’s fine#the horns are removable! :]#dbhc#dbhc doc#docm77#hermitaday#hermitadaymay#hermitcraft#hermitcraft au#dbhc ren#rendog#dbhc art#art escapades#I’m kind of obsessed with him and it shows sorry#drawing early ren and doc makes me think… ren had so many cybernetics in s8#maybe doc helps build him some android-tech prosthetics :3#dunno dunno… idk I love them so much#ren is the reason doc has any human mannerisms at all tbh#otherwise mans would be so annoyingly robotic about everything#being an android based entirely around searching for loopholes and out of the box solutions in code will do that to you. logic brained doof#/aff#ANYWAY I RUN#I gotta post other dbhc stuff tonight that’s important so I gotta go finish it
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GRATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO GRATE
#ihnmaims#am#am ihnmaims#allied mastercomputer#hate let me tell you how much ive come to hate#memez#mimi wont shut up#uh. idk what else to put here. do you like me?
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the whole "jason rules crime alley and none of the other bats are allowed there!!1!" thing is so funny like. tim LITERALLY lives in the theater where bruce's parents died,
#rimi talks#sorry. thought about tim doing that again. what is WRONG with him kfjshakjdshfkjd#WITHOUT EVEN TELLING BRUCE UNTIL AFTER HED ALREADY DONE IT TOO.#TIMOTHY. WHY.#this is the other thing abt why i just dont like seeing jtodd in fanwork#whenever he appears like 99% of the time its in a way that is directly contradictory to actual comics#the 1% of people who actually read the comics and write him in such a way? fine great awesome!!#however i still am filtering that bitch out because hes kind of a catch-all for the most annoying batfanon tropes.#because. yknow. theres no other tags to filter out bc they dont Fucking tag it#alas. oh well. anyways can we go back to going hey tim what is wrong with you#because for real i think he got off way too easy for this one.#forget identity reveals i want the core four sleepover where tim's apartment gets its lore reveal#give me cassie doing such a dramatic spit take that she gets ice cream on the ceiling. picks up tim like a weasel. and goes WHY???#and hes just like. idk seemed like the right thing to do :)#tim
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silly comic based on a time i struggled to read live on stream :thumbsup:
context clip compilation below ASDASDFASA
(cw for brief mention of hospitals/strokes)
#in stars and time#isat#isat odile#isat siffrin#isat spoilers#<- not big ones but the convo this stems from occurs on 3rd floor before king act 2 so#cw hospital#cw stroke#<- brief stroke talk in the clip thats why#odile i am so sorry for making u deal with the fact that i cant read#or just input words?? where there arent any??? i dont know why i do that????#these streams have made me realize i sometimes just autofill words when reading SAFADDA#also random side headcanon i was thinking of while drawing this#is odile speaks alot with her hands?#idk why i just think its fun?#and kinda makes sense as someone who has travelled a lot thru different countries?#personal observation but you can convey/tell a lot without knowing a much of a different language via body language#as someone who grew up with family who spoke a different language that i do not speak LMAO#especially hands!! those say a lot!!#reading body langauge/tone helped me a lot when guessing if what was being talked about a good thing or not#tho tone to a lesser extent since uh it can be hard to tell at times i think ASDFDA#so it makes sense to me???#the art of pointing in general location is a universal skill i think?? yea#to a lesser extent i think siffrin might do this? but more subdued/under the cloak so#the cloak ends up getting in the way 90% of the time so no one can actually see that lmao#okay tag talk over#no stream time today because weather boooooo storms
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Maybe it's the eternally distrustful loveless child in me but idk something about the way DC has been writing familial relationships in recent years rings so false to me. There's no room for the complex, nuanced, unnamed relationships Batman and Nightwing used to have, nothing like the warped mother-daughter-sister thing Barbara Gordon and Cass Cain had, nothing like Superboy's weird obsessive hero worship/bone-deep dread of his clone fathers or Max Mercury's weary undefined protectiveness of Bart or Wonder Woman's dogged loyalty to her little "sisters". Cause — for me, at least, I know I actively seek little moments of connection in stories; when I write or when I read it is to seek comfort. I think that's why DC has made this shift. Readers like me gravitated to those little warm moments, and DC noticed that we did without stopping to think about why.
But there's a point at which I notice diminishing returns of comfort from fluffy writing — it ceases to register as real. It's too good, too saccharine, too empty of any of the pain and frustration it takes to express genuine love for the other person. It's all hand-holding and no sweaty palms. It's so easy for someone to say they love you. It's so easy to see when it's all just words. And part of this is, yeah, bad writing; all that stuff about show not tell. They're trying to tell us these characters care about each other without giving us any real proof. but. idk. I need my love to be real. I need to feel the bones behind each embrace. I can't accept affection without struggling my way into it. Honestly I'd rather get a grim gritty Batman who forgets he HAS kids until they throw themselves into the line of fire than a milquetoast helicopter Batdad who tells his kids exactly what they mean to him without actively being in a state of bleeding out.
#idk don't listen to me i haven't read any comics closely since they killed alfred#but what i see in screenshots makes me. incredibly dissatisfied#maybe love is all about the striving!!!! maybe it's about the blood under your nails as you claw your way back to your beloved!!!!!#maybe it's hugging your dad and all you can think about is how stiff and unwieldy it is around the body armor and utility belts#y'know#and i DO enjoy wayne family adventures. it can be nice. but yeah i can tell that i would not endure it if that was all i had to read#dc#oli rambles
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i think katsuki just answers his phone by barking out, "bakugou." no hello, probably doesn't even look at the caller id LOL when he hears it's you, though, i think he breathes out the tension he didn't realize was coiled in his shoulders, and says a lil, "hey," 🥺🥺
and i think when he calls you, and you answer with your sweet, "helloooo ??" he is so soft 😌 just mumbles out a quiet, "what'chu doin'?" and listens as you tell him, before saying what he needed to 😌
#okay one bkg thought and then i am going to bed hehe#i need him terribly i fear 😔#pls just the idea of him huddling in a corner so no one can hear him 🥺 as he speaks softly to you 🥺#and even if he calls to tell you something—he always asks what you're doing 🥺#and listens 🥺 and engages 🥺#i also dont think he says goodbye LOL#he just says 'alright' and hangs up LOL#or he says 'alright love you' hang up#why does this make me so insane for him idk idk#✿ thoughts: bakugou#✿ theme: domestic bakugou
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It irritates me alot when people say that making medic more compassionate is ''missing the point of his character'' when he is literally shown to be in the comics.... did you miss the part where he showed concern for both sniper and miss pauling's well being in comic 5 and 6.
His actions are a combination of genuine attachment + clinical interest and these things do not cancel out one another. He is always pushing boundaries and going against the grain and i think this is what led to him losing his license in the first place. He felt stifled by the rules imposed on him.
He is shown to be extremely passionate so it makes sense that he would use his endless fascination with medicine as a way to show his affection. He loves his friends so he will find a way to make them borderline indestructible. Malpractice is his love language.
#it makes me really angry how adamant some people are against exploring his sweeter side beyond just ''heehoo evil doctor''#idk how to tell you that giving a character a wider range of complexities and oftentimes contradicting traits#does not equal 'woobification'. him being friendly social and cheerful and fascinated with the world around him (which he canonically is)#is not the same thing as writing him as a helpless softboy. those two things do not correlate#he was visibly worried when sniper wanted to get back in the fight!#it's so abundantly clear that medic just misses social cues and doesn't always react accordingly#plus his quote unquote evilness is a joke it's not. something that is meant to be taken seriously#he's more comparable to a saturday morning cartoon villain except he is a protagonist#the way he approaches medicine to me is very similiar to#a child playing potions if that makes sense. he is throwing shit together to see what sticks#and having fun with it#i might rewrite this later to be more coherent because i have alot of thoughts on him that are jumbled together#and there is so much to say abt him#also i find it so funny how inconsistent he is. he tells them they all hallucinated before brain death#yet he personally went to hell multiple times. why did he do that#tf2#medic#tf2 medic#medic tf2#team fortress 2
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kacchan telling izuku that his body moved on his own is fucking crazy. like not only did kacchan remember izuku saying that all the way back from the sludge-villain incident but he’s also confirming that izuku’s crazy, boarder-line suicidal intensity is a two way street. it’s not just izuku who is insane about kacchan it’s mutual insanity. kacchan’s body moved on its own. he was helpless but to throw himself into the line of fire when he saw izuku was in danger. he didn’t think about it. he didn’t choose to do it. he didn’t have a choice. it was as if izuku was a piece of his own soul. katsuki instinctually needed to protect him above all else, even at the cost of his own life
#AND HE SAID IT OUT LOUD IN THE RAIN IN FRONT OF EVERYONE#bkdk#bakudeku#hey man just casually checking in uh I would die for you and not even think about it#you know how you almost kill yourself for me that’s like Mutual I guess idk what are we#do I tell my mom do I update my hinge profile#like izuku knows he’s weird about kacchan he knows he isn’t normal about him#and he ONLY threw himself into sludge villain incident when he saw it was kacchan.#and THEN his body moved on its own#and kacchan is the ONLY ONE who saw just how in danger izuku was#AND THEN HIS BODY MOVES ON ITS OWN#his body unlocks a new ability just to get to him faster#they’re just so deeply spiritually and physically connected and it’s MUTUAL
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good morning sifloop nation
#loop is so fucking hard to draw bc I can never tell how I can center the face on their cookie cutter as head#its literally just a pair of eyes and yet it fucks with me every time 😭#idk what came over me bc suddenly im imagining these two freaks in the funniest scenarios for my own pleasure#im not even halfway thru the game yet im still on act 2 bc I havent been able to play it in a while#genuinely though I am curious as to how ppl would go about describing how u would kiss loop. this isnt even a jab at anyone#in fact I admire whoever pushed their imagination to the limits to find a way to make loop kissable in ways science cannot explain#and other fun activities#I think itd be funny for them to do 7 minutes in heaven bc normally 2 ppl go in to smooch or whatever in the closet#in their case two of them go in but only one of them comes out alive. bc theyre like that#are they fighting or are they fucking. the answer is up to you#sifloop#myart#my art#in stars and time#isat#isat fanart#isat loop#isat Siffrin#Siffrin#loop#doodles#shitpost
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Still some doodles of them :DD
#What's great with tua is that you can make any aus and say that it was one of the canon Timelines#five hargreeves#ofc he is the easiest one for me to draw I can't draw adults to save my life dshjds#Viktor Hargreeves#he deserves to be more violent on screen#allison hargreeves#there is one braincell for all the siblings and she has it most of the time help her#diego hargreeves#ben hargreeves#klaus hargreeves#my art#once again do not take this too seriously it's like half au/half hcs#idk how to explain but for me Five is as 58 as he is 13#He's making the biggest effort to tell his siblings where he goes for once#while bringing a gun of course#Luther and Diego makes me wanna jump off a roof to draw but I love them a lot too#tua#tua fanart#the umbrella academy fanart#the umbrella academy#umbrella academy#hargreeves siblings#the hargreeves#they make me very emotionnal I love them#ghost ben I miss you#I miss you sm n6 Ben#I shouldn't have given Klaus a shirt it was a reflex sorry Klaus#disclaimer I don't draw with references sorry I really try to :'))#they don't have the same faces every two doodles it's normal for now ahah
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#idk whats in this fucking show but it's doing wonders for me#once upon a witchlight#legends of avantris#you can tell where i gave up lol. it's ok though. just ignore gideon's pants. and cuffs.#my art
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you're grabbing lunch with a nice man and he gives you that strange grimace-smile that's popular right now; an almost sardonic "twist" of his mouth while he looks literally down on you. it looks like he practiced the move as he leans back, arms folded. he just finished reciting the details of NFTs to you and explaining Oppenheimer even though he only watched a youtube about it and hasn't actually seen it. you are at the bottom of your wine glass.
you ask the man across from you if he has siblings, desperately looking for a topic. literally anything else.
he says i don't like small talk. and then he smiles again, watching you.
a few years ago, you probably would have said you're above celebrity gossip, but honestly, you've been kind of enjoying the dumb shit of it these days. with the rest of the earth burning, there's something familiar and banal about dragging ariana grande through the mud. you think about jeanette mccurdy, who has often times gently warned the world she's not as nice as she appears. you liked i'm glad my mom died but it made you cry a lot.
he doesn't like small talk, figure out something to say.
you want to talk about responsibility, and how ariana grande is only like 6 days older than you are - which means she just turned 30 and still dresses and acts like a 13 year old, but like sexy. there's something in there about the whole thing - about insecurity, and never growing up, and being sexualized from a young age.
people have been saying that gay people are groomers. like, that's something that's come back into the public. you have even said yourself that it's just ... easier to date men sometimes. you would identify as whatever the opposite of "heteroflexible" is, but here you are again, across from a man. you like every woman, and 3 people on tv. and not this guy. but you're trying. your mother is worried about you. she thinks it's not okay you're single. and honestly this guy was better before you met, back when you were just texting.
wait, shit. are you doing the same thing as ariana grande? are you looking for male validation in order to appease some internalized promise of heteronormativity? do you conform to the idea that your happiness must result in heterosexuality? do you believe that you can resolve your internal loneliness by being accepted into the patriarchy? is there a reason dating men is easier? why are you so scared of fucking it up with women? why don't you reach out to more of them? you have a good sense of humor and a big ol' brain, you could have done a better job at online dating.
also. jesus christ. why can't you just get a drink with somebody without your internal feminism meter pinging. although - in your favor (and judgement aside) in the case of your ariana grande deposition: you have been in enough therapy you probably wouldn't date anyone who had just broken up with their wife of many years (and who has a young child). you'd be like - maybe take some personal time before you begin this journey. like, grande has been on broadway, you'd think she would have heard of the plot of hamlet.
he leans forward and taps two fingers to the table. "i'm not, like an andrew tate guy," he's saying, "but i do think partnership is about two people knowing their place. i like order."
you knew it was going to be hard. being non-straight in any particular way is like, always hard. these days you kind of like answering the question what's your sexuality? with a shrug and a smile - it's fine - is your most common response. like they asked you how your life is going and not to reveal your identity. you like not being straight. you like kissing girls. some days you know you're into men, and sometimes you're sitting across from a man, and you're thinking about the power of compulsory heterosexuality. are you into men, or are you just into the safety that comes from being seen with them? after all, everyone knows you're failing in life unless you have a husband. it almost feels like a gradebook - people see "straight married" as being "all A's", and anything else even vaguely noncompliant as being ... like you dropped out of the school system. you cannot just ignore years of that kind of conditioning, of course you like attention from men.
"so let's talk boundaries." he orders more wine for you, gesturing with one hand like he's rousing an orchestra. sir, this is a fucking chain restaurant. "I am not gonna date someone who still has male friends. also, i don't care about your little friends, i care about me. whatever stupid girls night things - those are lower priority. if i want you there, you're there."
he wasn't like this over text, right? you wouldn't have been even in the building if he was like this. you squint at him. in another version of yourself, you'd be running. you'd just get up and go. that's what happens on the internet - people get annoyed, and they just leave. you are locked in place, almost frozen. you need to go to the bathroom and text someone to call you so you have an excuse, like it's rude to just-leave. like he already kind of owns you. rudeness implies a power paradigm, though. see, even your social anxiety allows the patriarchy to get to you.
you take a sip of the new glass of wine. maybe this will be a funny story. maybe you can write about it on your blog. maybe you can meet ariana grande and ask her if she just maybe needs to take some time to sit and think about her happiness and how she measures her own success.
is this settling down? is this all that's left in your dating pool? just accepting that someone will eventually love you, and you have to stop being picky about who "makes" you a wife?
you look down to your hand, clutching the knife.
#writeblr#this is a mashup of like 3 dates i accidentally went on lol#by that i mean that i was out with a woman on a date in 2 of these situations#and a man just. joined us. and we were too awkward to say anything while he tried to ''date'' me#& one was a longterm friend that i was like. you what????#like he's nice he's a doctor and my mom was SO happy she was like raquel think about it#''it's a perfect love story you grew up together and reconnected as adults and like the same things and he's friends with ur brother#and his sister is one of ur close friends!!!''#yes but alas. he is a boy . she only likes girls. can i make it any more obvious#anyway im tryna write about like the force of male attention being actually incredibly ingrained to women like we are SUPPOSED to like it#it's seen as the only important thing#even if ur gay#and it's a nuanced thing idk#and while rn i i.d. as lesbian#like .... it wouldn't be UNTRUE to say i am probably like ''cusp bisexual'' bc i CAN experience attraction to men bc like .#sexuality is fluid...#don't tell straight ppl tho bc they do not understand the concept that ppl don't necessarily need a solid everlasting label#they're like GET in the BOX#if ur gay & in boston i'm 30 and pretty please come kiss me.#(i usually only date older ppl sorry in advance tho)
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