#idk why y’all don’t care about children and abuse victims and everyone else

[awek-s]

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[thisismyghost-blog]

1st time I told my fam/friends on fb about the sadistic monster who abused me and is facing agg kidnapping and 3agg rape charges

So idk how some of you will react to this but i have to risk people who will hate me or just turn away in order to gain reinforcements. I have been practically in hiding for almost a year after finally giving up on keeping a bold face at my job that I loved with a few people that I really loved due to the pain I didn’t know how to handle of being visibly and deeply scorned by a few people who I had done nothing to but be friendly and awkward to (just due to lack of social experience)I have been protected under the love of my amazing family, my best friend Sayruh, and the incredible loving man who I can’t describe rn who came into my life about five years ago and with who’s path, unfortunately, was diverged during what I’m about to tell you. This isn’t going to be college level essay ish, so bare with me. I’m bleeding and panting out of breathe in the battlefield of life at this moment but I haven’t dropped the sword and I never will. I don’t have to do this alone, as much as I’ve been alone and felt deeply affected by if people think I am worthless, stupid, ugly, a whore or make assumptions about me that hurt them or take me the wrong way.i have hidden myself to protect others and to protect myself but I see now that is utter BULLLSHHIIITTT y’all. I was in a “relationship”with what fits the pattern of a malignant narcissist, possible psychopath for 9 entire soul crushing, brain washing, body mutilating, being made to believe I was bad or crazy, turning against myself months. That’s the time it takes to grow a fully ripened human, and apparently it’s also the time to nearly break an intelligent, loving sister, mother, daughter, friend, woman almost entirely.     This creature who masquerades as an attractive, eloquent, humble, caring, selfless individual has likely been slandering me since the moment he walked into my place of work as he, behind the scenes, carefully put up walls between me and anyone who might later have compassion for the things he had in store for me. That wasn’t terribly hard due to the fact that I was already a very shy person.This Lucifer gaslighted, undermined and abused me while successfully convincing me that he was helping me become a better person and applying his version of “therapy” based on his claimed experience in mental health in another country and coming out of terrible traumas all by himself. This person took the self doubt i already had, filled it with poison, and offered it through a needle promising the antidote. This person used my compassion and love for others to convince me to let him do horrible things to me as a stress relief or way of dealing with their past trauma in order to help them, to help them not do self destructive things and be able to go out and help others in Grand ways that he constantly spoke of.I have been hiding because I have seen that human nature tends to immediately start looking for ways to blame or dehumanize people that are in horrible situations like this. I have been hiding because I could feel the seering looks of disgust, feel the betrayel from those I had admired and even looked up to that had already taken place and wished not to extend an opportunity for others. I realize now that I have been ashamed of being vulnerable to someone else’s lack of humanity and feeling as though that truly debased me or may as well if it succeeded in debasing me from human status in the eyes of most people onlooking, so why give them a chance to onlook?I have no choice now because today I was shown my choice by the assistant district attorney.  It was my hope to protect others from this monster. It was my hope because I have seen what these creatures who walk among us, looking like people, expressing emotion on their face like people, and I have seen this creature twist otherwise upstanding, moderately intelligent individuals into hating a person in order to discredit them and also back them further into a corner, convince them they are nothing, watch them suffer and feed on their tears like a twisted vampire. You think you can spot a monster? Maybe you would have better luck. I think we all think we do, how can you not believe what your mind is telling you when you look at what looks like a human being but is a monster no one warned you about, who literally takes pleasure in slowly driving you insane and takes bites out of your flesh like a wolf and yelling at you for bleeding. I am not perfect, no one is. I make mistakes, that’s human. I take the wrong path sometimes, also human. Do I need to say that in order for you not to start asking a million questions until you get to the part where your brain can let out a sigh of relief and go “ooohh I was worried this world was that horrific for a minute but clearly this bitch is an idiot or a sinner who deserved whatever she’s going on about.”?I want to stop and give credit where credit is due.I am tempted to name names but I haven’t. There are people who I worked next to everyday and only had affection for who completely turned their back on me when he was arrested. I didn’t call police, my doctor did. I hate attention, I have no vendettas.  I have to  get out of this corner letting him and his minions scare/shame me into silence and projecting their ill motives onto me. I know it makes no sense. I only know that I am sure I experienced what I imagine thousands of murdered women experienced in their final moments. I feel that he would enjoyed watching my final moments and holding them in his hands like a god. I only know that an amazing doctor who I trusted and went to for advice about how to not get murdered or even possibly salvage my life from without police help because I didn’t believe they would help me. I believed him when he told me his ex’s called police and he talked them away, I believed him when he told me that police came to my door at times when I was screaming and he talked to them while I was in the bathroom crying and convinced them everything was ok. I believed what he didn’t have to put into words but only insinuate, that everyone will call me a stupid lying whore for staying around and trying to get help would only result in being told so. I was wrong. My doctor called the police without my knowledge, everyone treated me with compassion and respect and told me I was safe now. I thought that meant other girls would be safe now. I was mistaken. I held onto the remaining shards of my life with all my strength, allowing people under his spell to treat me despicably as I fought the tears, told myself it’s my fault for not being a better person who speaks up and is more than just quiet and friendly but involved and let’s you know them and is there for you. I tried to hold my head high and ignore them or focus on the 3 friends I had left and remind myself that they could have no clue what the truth was and that they would never believe me over such a charming loveable individual. How do you tell someone that a person they admire is capable of worse things than they have ever imagined and expect them to believe you unless they are incredibly close and trusting of you?Trial is coming up. I thought I could seek back up through expert witnesses and professionals who could untangle the dark web of deadly lies, ignorance and misinformation. I thought maybe I could find others like the girl he claimed to have put in the hospital for three months.. I thought.. Maybe.. I could sleep at night one day without picturing dead girls all alone in a landfill disposed of by him and forgotten. That is only my imagination but your mind is your window to the world and it’s all you see. Instead I am told that due to the burden of proof, even after the stack of felony indictments an incredible female detective at Smyrna PD was able to procure on my behalf.. That he will most likely walk free or get less than a decade and be let loose upon the world again. If you ever get hurt, make sure it’s by a total stranger and that you see clearly what’s going on in order to be able to immediately, report it and get the hell away from them so the law can protect you.(sarcasm if u didn’t see it.)There has to be an alarm raised and debate changed. Not for me but for my niece, my cousins, our daughters and sons, every human being who is out there vulnerable to be spotted by a shark who probably dresses and speaks properly and seems like a “stand up citizen” maybe even have a position of authority, maybe even like he did, claim to be a representative of Jesus and some version of my personal Satan’s false story that he was a champion of all orphans and the disenfranchised. I have pictures of him surrounded by smiling children he claimed were in a orphanage he managed for a time in an impoverished part of the world and claimed to have been their main source of affection and mental health assistance in dealing with the loss of their parents.If you are totally mind f9(?#d after reading this, understand that I have been fighting epic battles through Hell daily via my mind and PTSD armed with love  from my son, family, Antwane. An inkling that maybe I can build some sort of bridge to the nameless victims who will never have a charge formally filed much less prosecuted, the forgotten girls buried in shallow graves because a monster feasted on their human heart and knew no one would be in their corner to save them and that society at Large would walk on their unmarked grave with no tears shed for a “whore”. Armed with the small bit of reason and understanding I’ve gained through education and love not letting me die no matter how much agony and confusion and darkness swallowed me whole I walk out of that dark corner of shame today. I still need healing, I still am learning not to be hard on myself, I still have no idea what I’m doing but I’m fighting y’all and I have gained the type of clarity I’m not sure many people ever have after a lifetime. There is no magic day to come where after you try hard enough you never incur anymore criticism and you feel good enough, but in the meantime those who are so sure of themselves are devouring the innocent, virtually wholly unchecked and every bully, every shaming comment meant to put you down and shut you up is a type of  weaponry used by those behaving inhumanely and projecting their diminished humanity onto you. Don’t let them do it. If you care how you affect other people you are top notch in my book and every shortcoming you have tell everyone to STFU about and keep going. Your inability to wow a crowd or rock a swimsuit for a magazine or even speak to a stranger or your emotional outburst and lack of attention to your house when you’re depressed.. any and everything that you feel ashamed about, you give it the middle finger for me. Your voice in your own head and how you see yourself is where it starts and YOU are who I need to join me in this fight with the odds insanely against me and the rest who fall into their snare. I need you to keep trying,I need you to fight to see for yourself what really matters and what is left because there are no superheroes or quick fixes and everytime you feel empathy for someone and want to take their pain or help, this is how. You become strong and you fight for reason, compassion, you fight the voices that degrade and throw away human beings but you start with your own.If you want to talk, text me. Might take some time but I’ll be there and I will not judge anything so if you just need to vent things you feel shame about I am a good sounding board I have discovered. I don’t have any answers for you but I am another human being who values you. Naj is doing great btw he’s facing his own bullies but he’s got an expert on his side and an amazing dad and uncle. I have an extremely bright gorgeous life ahead and I see it on the horizon. I almost said if I don’t reach it I will die trying but there are 3 amazing guys in the next room that love me, a gorgeous brilliant sister a few minutes away, my mom with her endless Love, compassion, years of memories and experience that I hope to be able to properly learn from and appreciate, this genius niece who is so much like me at her age but better and actually likes me. I could keep going. If you looked in the mirror today and thought anything besides “Damn fine bitch, world’s lucky to have me!” then go apologize please. Maybe you won’t mean it but you can get there. I may not be able to stop him. There may be Hell on Earth that I have yet to see, but the people who love us and are waiting for us to meet and love them, they are what matters now. You are what matters to me now. He used to tell me I would gain great wisdom from him and help him change the world. I did gain wisdom, I won’t give him credit for that, I dug it out of the ashes of what he left behind. If that’s possible then imagine what you can do

[fcbabyx]

Happy Mother’s Daaaaaay

Let’s celebrate those wonderful mothers that do everything for us. From tearing us down to exchanging our love for the passion of a man. If y’all mofos thought this was going to be a happy post, think again. I’m tired that we rarely get to read and hear about  bad mothers. So here is to the children that were, for some reason of life and destiny, chosen to be the child of a “wonderful” mother. 

Here’s to the physically abusive mother. I’m not talking about the belt or la chancleta cause lets be real, a spank here and there, sometimes we deserved it. I’m talking about that mother that inflicts any type of physical damage on their child in order to have the power and control over them and they have this sick pattern that makes the child want to crawl out of their skin. Sprain, fractures, broken bones, burns, bruising that suggest that someone was  retrained. No, not as in the BDSM type we are talking about mothers here.  And lots of more indicators that I’m too lazy to write, but you get the point. You do understand that none of that happens by accident or trying to teach some respect. A child that ends half dead, can’t walk, function properly or in the hospital due to “being taught how to be respectful” it is a victim of abuse. This shit, doesn’t happen by accident.

Here’s to the woman first, mother later, mother. This one is one of my favorites. This mofo is the type of woman, that after a rough time, she has a an epiphany that she is the best damned thing in the world and anyone is lucky to have her in her life, including her child. Then again, every single time that she gets in a relationship, she becomes the most docile woman for her new man. However, for whatever reason she neglects her child. LOL she even tells the child that he/she has to change to fit the “ideal child image” of her new man. She lets her child be humiliated by a stranger and when the child steps up to defend himself/herself, guess who gets the beating of their life? The child! Cause it makes a lot of sense. Then they wonder how can a child grow up to be disgusted by their parents. (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞ ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜)

Here’s to the  luxury support mother. You all know about this one, but people refuse to believe this shit. Sometimes when two adults divorce, the parent with the child, usually the mother, is the least fitting one. This is the woman that complains about child support but doesn’t allow her child to see the father. She uses the child support for luxuries rather than necessities first. Then you see her bad mouthing the father. At the end of the day, a lot believe whatever poisonous lie comes out of her mouth cause she’s the mother. True story.

Here’s to the psychological and emotionally abusive mother. This creature right here will fuck you up. I know that a lot of people don’t believe that mental illness is an illness, but if your mind is damaged so is everything else. Just imagine living with your trigger for half of your life and that trigger is the woman that gave life to you. This thing will humiliate you, insults you, threatens you, she mocks you, ignores you, lives for appearances, by all means this woman really wants to control you to the point that you fear her. Don’t confuse respect with fear.  She will talk about your more sensitive topics and situations in life to everyone. Nope, is not talking among friends, is the type of things that if you got sexually molested they will say it to others. Hell for all we know, she thinks you are overreacting. This is the type of mother that if you break something insignificant by accident, she starts yelling you things like what a useless child, why didn’t I aborted you when I could? you are monster, or my favorite ones, do you not think about me at all? Why are you always causing me problems? You enjoy doing that don’t you? -_-”  Things break, woman. Glad to know that you care that deeply about a glass. Just imagine living, idk, 15 years with someone belittling you, mocking you, neglecting you, telling you how worthless you are, etc… They manipulate you, even go to the extent of telling you they will kill themselves if you do something bad, etc… That’s fucking low, tbh. Sometimes you see a depressed teenager and is due to this shit. They have toxic parents and that’s one of the reasons why they feel so worthless. Then the parents tell them there’s something wrong with them. They take the kid a psychologist and the parents act like the most caring fucking parents in our revolving planet. Sometimes, the child doesn’t say shit, cause they think the doc wont believe what they have to say. 

In all seriousness, speaking from experience. There are kids of my generation that are still living due to their favorite bands, tv shows, books, etc…and not to their mothers and fathers. They found something to keep living for. They found a home. After losing all that mental stability and peace, one of the most precious thing a human has, they found a little bit of hope, love, refugee, desire and will to survive, due to people that they don’t even know and characters that are in paper and ink. Due to the fact that we are their children, sometimes we tell ourselves, but she’s my mother. We create that excuse, but she’s my mother, so we just “tough it out”. Sometimes is too much and because we can’t deal with it anymore and people look at you like you are the fucking problem, tragedies happen. Then there are the others, that would fight back and look for way to survive and we start changing our lives taking baby steps, but they are worth it. However, our biggest obstacle lies in that “mother” in the root of all your anxieties, depression, paranoia, etc… Believe it or not, that is the biggest test in life, to cut off the woman that gave you life. Because in the fucking end, she’s your mother and you still love her, but you realized that you love her more than she will ever love you, if she ever did. So, you have to learn to love yourself. A mother that looks at their child like a nuisance doesn’t really love that child. 

Bad mothers do exist, just like bad fathers do. These are just examples of them, there are plenty other types. In days like Mother’s Day, just remember that not everyone was as lucky as you.  It doesn’t mean that those that went through hell and back due to their own “mother” are ungrateful if they decide not to celebrate with their mother. Is just that sometimes, is better to stay away from all of that negativity once you are free, it doesn’t mean that they can’t forget. Is like offering heroin to an addict. Is wrong and they should turn it down. We don’t want to fall back into that abusive cycle. There’s no trust once is broken. So before, you judge others in this particular day, think about it. Some will be working, retail, restaurants, hospitals, etc… other simply well, don’t celebrate it and they probably have their reasons. Sometimes, in this particular day, we think about how our mothers would treat us, and we understand, that we grew due to that, but in that fucking moment, we know that we got through it, so let us have our moment. We don’t choose our parents, some of us are lucky, some aren’t.

That being said to the actual mothers out there Happy Mother’s Day.