#idk why the switch version is like that it sucks and i am mad and angy 👺

[hecksupremechips]

Pissy cuz I got re2 on my switch like a damn moron without really properly reading the description and it’s a version that requires internet connection to run and so I couldn’t even fight the first zombie cuz of how awful the game was cutting out 😭

[wickedpact]

I saw someone comment that if nicky and joe actually had a speed-run version of a romance it wouldn't be much better than rey/kylo (ie: nicky's redemption should be a *process* and not a single act; it'd take more than just "i'm switching sides and fighting with you" for joe to truly forgive him... which is ENTIRELY reasonable/understandable) - do you think the comparison is fair? (I mean, Nicky wasn't a space nazi but he WAS an indoctrinated religious radical)

well..... no, for a variety of reasons (allow me to say beforehand that i dont really... hate r*ylo or r*ylo in general but im.. hm, not a fan of the ship or the sequel trilogy)

edit: i am actually going to put this under a cut bc its longer than i thought it was when i wrote it

first of all i think theres something to be said abt the fact that ben (im just gonna call him ben so this post doesnt come up in search) is a space nazi. hes part of a fictional group of people who oppress a different fictional group of people, despite having some inspiration taken from rl. nicky was part of an invasion force that existed in real history, a part of a war that has had far-reaching effects in the real world to this day. as much as nicolo himself is fictional, neither the crusades nor the ideologies that had a part in fueling them are. so it feels a bit crass to compare the two.

(also like.. man, the sith blew up two (three?) planets. thats like several billion people each, how are you supposed to compare almost cartoonish villainy like that to real life?)

secondly ben had like... presumably more power over the situation than nicky did, idk what the situation is for ben’s backstory in canon terms rn, (its been more or less retconned a couple times i believe), but ben was the child of two powerful and privileged people and likely received all the education in the world on why Murder And Fascism Bad.

he was like? supposedly groomed by snoke, but what does that even mean? anakin went to the dark side bc he valued the life of his wife more than the lives of all the jedi. simple as that. he was manipulated but he still willingly assisted in a genocide to achieve his own personal goals, how can you just step back and say ‘ben was manipulated into it its not his fault’ when he no doubt knew better that Blowing Up Planets Bad. but then even on top of that.. .we dont really know nicky’s exact situation prior to the crusades which brings me to the next point,

what we know abt nicky’s mindset in the crusades era:

greg said once that ‘it was a time of religious hatred’ which is. vague.

one of the promo vids said nicky was ‘ a young knight who had left the priesthood behind to follow the crusade ‘ which is.. vague

nicky himself said ‘he was taught to hate’ joe’s ‘people’ which is... vague

the comics shows a dialogue-less couple of panels of joe and nicky killing each other which is..................... vague

we really dont know that much about nicky’s situation other than he was ‘taught to hate’, which is how all hatred works, hatred isnt a biologically ingrained behavior, its always taught. ‘taught to hate’ can mean everything from someone slapping him on the back one day and going ‘hey those muslims suck’ to full ass brainwashing, who tf knows. we can only guess based off historical information, and tog has proven itself to not be historically accurate several times over now. so you really cant compare nicky’s mindset to ben’s bc we dont know what nicky’s mindset was.

but even then theres a difference between ‘i was taught incorrect information and i formerly believed i was doing a good thing and i now am beginning to realize that i am not’ and ‘ive been knowingly evil (literally red lightsaber and all) for literal years but ive just decided to change my mind bc i had a vision of my father (whomst i murdered) asking me to be good again’

(i mean come on, ben was actively resisting his good impulses. ‘forgive me i feel the pull to the light again’. )

lastly i also dont think thats fair to tog bc i wouldnt count r*ylo as a ‘speedrun’. it was set up in tlj, the problem with r*ylo is that it was bounced between two directors who not only had different visions for the franchise, but conflicting visions for the franchise and? seemingly they didnt collaborate at all. so if it feels like ben and rey were ping pong-ing back and forth between being enemies and borderline-lovers, its bc they were created by two men with completely different ideas of what the relationship looked like + they were at the mercy of a company which has pretty singlemindedly dedicated itself to lowest-common-denominator media that offends Nobody and thus tried to pass them off as pseudo-canon so neither the shippers nor the antis would get Mad. tog doesnt have these problems.

i think the idea of joe and nicky blinking once at each other and just immediately falling in love is, while fun and hilarious, a bit silly realistically bc thats generally not how feelings Work (I Dont Believe In Love At First Sight). going on a 24hr murder-bender and immediately going ‘oh wait im actually in love with this person who just brutally murdered me’ isnt comparable to two people who have a couple hours’ worth of content focused around essentially being inside of eachother’s brains and learning why the other Is The Way They Are. r*ylo didnt come out of nowhere, it was lead up to (just really poorly)

realistically, i think joe and nicky would like. at least have to get to know each other a little before they could convincingly fall in love imo, but theres rlly nothing comparable there with ben and rey to me

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Cyprus brings shampoo to Rotterdam 2021

I FELL IN LOVE, I FELL IN LOVE, I GAVE MY HEART TO PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

Though I do see where they come from. Everyone from Panik Records, from her to Eleni Foureira featuring Perfectil on the “Fuego” MV, gonna need that sweet sweet money all of the time. But has Greece’s economy not really recovered for them to constantly need to advertise products on music videos or am I just losing my mind overthinking things?

Eitherway, this review may or may not appear before or during their rehearsal day, so see how do I make a fool of myself by trying to estimate Cyprus’s chances!

ARTIST & ENTRY INFO

This year we have a 26 year old Elena Tsagrinou from Greece here (the way they were last represented by a somewhat Cypriot on 2017?). She did music early on in her age, also participated in the Greek version of Got Talent. Though, before breaking out as a solo pop sensation in ways you cannot imagine, she used to be in a pop band OtherView. Strangely enough, I’ve heard of them because of this song below but I could’ve NEVER estimated it was her and never could have I predicted she would land herself a Eurovision entrance all alone:

The band has had quite a few successful enough singles with her, she did some music shows participation and hosting, her band switched labels midway through (guess into which one they eventually landed, hint: some of the screenshots in this review have this peculiar logo), and in 2018, she had to “withdraw” from the group to go ahead and pursue the aforementioned solo career, somewhat. She continued doing a lot of shows (particularly seen on the MAD music channel related events), and doesn’t have as many singles as she had with OtherView right now, but she’s possibly well on her way to blossom as an artiste. Some of those reading (lol who am I kidding who even reads these) may be familiar with this little song of hers:

You’ve heard way too many things about “El Diablo”, her 2021 entry, so idk if I feel like explaining the technical side of things all by myself or you already know everything. But in these reviews I repeat everyone else regardless, so let me just say that “El Diablo” is an obvious pop song, with a lot of Swedish related touches to it, because at least one person on this song also worked on Alvaro Estrella’s Melodifestivalen 2021 entry that glorifies at least a handful of the same cliches that “El Diablo” does lyrically. Dear Eurovision lyricists, you can use more foreign languages than Spanish for your obligatory foreign language incorporations, thanks~

Although I’m not sure about whether it is more Laurell Barker’s fault as much as it is Joker Thörnfeldt’s, but it’s easier to blame them equally, because the former probably came up with “ta-taco, tamale” and the latter couldn’t get enough of the word “mamacita” they used for the aforementioned Melodifestivalen entry. Anyway, the lyrics, from what I get, is that she’s in love with an eeeevil guy because he’s sweet talking her, they do some sexy stuff together (presumably), pour sauce on their bodies for no explicit reason other than “obligatory-foreign-reference-itis”, she’s breaking the rules (and idk if it was “mama-mamacita” telling her to do it), got the icy edges that the spicy is melting for her, throws eyelashes on the floor when she’s got no wigs to throw (but that doesn’t matter because even without a wig, she can flip her hair and make him look twice), and there’s as much as you need to know about the song’s lyrics as I feel like I should show to you, because eh. Eurovision has suffered from worse cookie-cutter lyricism through the years, “El Diablo” is painful but not the worst.

REVIEW

But I do like the song somewhat!

“El Diablo” was initially compared to Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” upon release, and I totally kind of see why, because in all the right spots you can absolutely hum over the chorus to that over the one of “El Diablo”’s, it just exchanges gratuitous French translation of one of the already sung lines on the bridge for obligatory inserted Spanish terms just for the sake of being trendy with the crowds of the nowadays, because as we learned nothing these days, having a lot of Spanish in your song is apparently trendy. And Elena does nothing absolutely batshit insane on the music video (other than advertising) - no lapdance for the devil Lil Nas X style, no being forced into a bath, no person to sell her body to (not even the titular diablo), no dancers that rise out of their Christian sleep pods. Just Elena singing behind lots and lots of trash bin bag wrap.

Honestly the bigger issue for me than the song being “sAtAnIc because it is called “the DEVIL!!!”, aside from the lyrics, is that the MV does not come with any forewarning whatsoever for the people that are seizure prone when they see strobe lights? And that happens for some extended periods of this clip? I know you are indulged in your advertising and good for you but don’t just care for the companies that pay you if you use their products, do care about people’s wellbeings too, sometime.

But enough about the MV.

The song is decently sounding. It has interesting uses of what sounds like hi-hats during the verses (e.g.: a moment when this happens for the first time on the song is after Elena sings “tonight we’re gonna burn in a par-tY” the second time, and then there’s something that sounds soaring - that’s what I think that the hi-hats did.). It also has some sort of a synth piano on the second verse to boost the song’s sound rather than just relying on 808s and beats. I quite like how the chorus is so instant somehow, idk why but it is for me. Might have a gripe with that childish choir singing “I LOVE EL DIAB-LO” in the tune of standard kindergarten children teasing tune (aka ”NA NA NA BOO BOO”), as well as the constant breathing sounds, but they don’t distract me from generally “fucking” with this song, lol. It’s just that likeable imo.

I just can’t cope with the fact that Cyprus can’t seem to dare to go at least a little bit original with their song, yanno? Ever since 2019 they were called out as being a ripoff of something... hell, everyone since 2016 except Eleni was a ripoff of something. Alter Ego? “Somebody Told Me” by The Killers. Gravity? “Human” by Rag’n’Bone Man. Replay? “Fuego” itself. Running? “Lose Control”, Meduza x Becky Hill. Now we have a Lady Gaga song wannabe that even caught the attention of another singer that the music video looked like it was ripping off, and the Eurofandom caught up in hysterics:

Heads up, folks: not EVERY short haired blonde with messy hair, silvery tank top and shortpants that writhes on the floor is a Zara Larsson clone. And I don’t know who stirred controversy first - her or the fans - but this was ridiculous to see, even for me.

Although for a second I saw where they were coming from.

Now see why I want Cyprus to go original for at least once? Because I guess that the way “Fuego” was conjured up, it brought Cyprus so much success with how the package was, how Eleni sold it, and how the song sounded. You know the first thing of everything potentially going wrong for you later on is if you find the formula you’ve been looking for, but you proceed to be using the exact same formula that got you this far in the first place, without realizing what was it in the formula that you needed to bank on to further to make it click, but instead proceed to copy everything like it was an easy, fill-in-the-blank form. You can and should do better than that.

Though that doesn’t stop me from ranking it 11th this year.

Thing is, I really expected it to be the one female pop song of the year I would have the constant impulsive need to replay, replay, yeah. Ever since the chaotic entry MV drop that occured on some random-ass Cypriot TV show where three guys talked a lot (and before that, we got a cooking show), and kept growing increasingly agitated that no one is liking their show, until at some point one of them erupted in “IN TWU MEENETS... EL DIABLO... ON UR TEEVEE”; I was really devastated I couldn’t be able to break the replay button because of Panik Records deciding to rather benefit for themselves to have the MV on their app, then on Youtube, THEN on Spotify in that order. So I listened to a few video rips that I received / had for myself, and it was a fun time... until I realized the desire to play it declined much faster than I thought it would when it actually dropped on Spotify, oops. So I can’t really let myself rank it higher, when there are at least some catchier female bangers with better overall sound, better lyrics, and better multiple-replay factor. But I can’t really settle for a much lower rank for her than 11th, anyway. Girlbanger 2021 power y’all!

That and vocally she’s actually not that bad, even if she has shown up singing her song drunk in a handful of Instastories for some event of some party house, and at the time people overreacted, but I think that at least a large audience of those same people has collectively dropped their “Cyprus obvious NQ” talks come the pre-parties.

Panik Records, when will you put the yeehaw El Diablo on streaming? Now THAT’S a version that has replay value, and I might never get bored of it instead :(

Approval factor: Yeah, there exists some for me in it Follow-up factor: CyBC did one of the nastiest in terms of following up their 2020 arc of “Bring Your Artist Back for Revenge Year” that was 2021, straight up ditching Sandro probably right after Eurovision was done (well it doesn’t look like the case because CyBC published a statement later, but I sense that it might’ve been the case), because “Running” wasn’t doing so well with the “YAS QUEEN” branch of the Eurofandom. Which sucks because Sandro would’ve actually been down to be asked again for Eurovision, as he revealed it to NikkieTutorials during many of her interviews with last year’s class of. “Agreement from both parties” my ass, unless Sandro secretly realized that like Tom Leeb, he was too busy for 2021 Eurovision, which I doubt. It actually sucks imo that Sandro can probably be considered as even a forever non-returnee, because Sandro is more of German roots than Greek, and if we learned anything about the Mukuchyangate 2021, is that Germany will never send a returning artist, at least one that didn’t represent their country first and foremost. So Greece could only ask Sandro nicely only if the contest comes on to Germany, I guess? How do you think they decided on getting Stefania, who still ever so regularly appears on Dutch music, to represent them this year? So on that regard the follow-up from CyBC stinks, eventhough I think that entrywise the follow-up was rather decent, at least in the usual Cypriot way of sending female pop (going from “Replay” to “El Diablo” which I like more than “replay”), and eventhough I’m falling out of the hype for Cyprus I once used to have, their 2015-2021 entry streak had entries that I largely feel positive for overall, so in that regard, the follow up is decent. Qualification factor: In a year of Semi 1 Female Banger Slaughterhouse, Elena goes out in my eyes with several scratches, but not enough to completely kill her chances. If anything, given the divisiveness of Ireland’s rehearsals, Elena is likely to obliterate any last memory of Lesley Roy any first time viewer has ever had, except for her stage graphics. Even if Elena’s staging will not be as mindblowingly cartooney as the last, once a bop comes on, everyone forgets the slower song and gives into the bop, at least that’s how the draws work when choosing what insignificant song to put on 2nd and wedge in between the opening banger and some lesser-key banger, right? I know that “Replay” barely qualified, but I find “El Diablo” slightly better, and it all goes well, it will barely just as qualify as well. Because in a Semi 1 Female Banger Slaughterhouse, she can’t be the losing one, really.

INTERNAL CORNER

I already told everything that was noteworthy about Elena’s journey in previous sections, honestly.

• That I said that CyBC likely ditched Sandro right after cancellation just like Hooverphonic ditched “Release Me” should they have had a chance to keep or toss their entry. It doesn’t present itself as the case, but I just feel like it is.

• That the song was revealed on a Cypriot talkshow where three dudes were aware that we were waiting for “El Diablo”, trying to throw some gratuitous English our way, hating that we didn’t like our show, but promising that “El Diablo” MV will be shown in “TWU MEENETS”, which wasn’t but worth the wait eh?

• That people were cackling at Zara Larsson joining in the talks of Elena’s MV having aspects of her own song’s MV plagiarized.

• That Elena performed her song in a private-ish event when drunk and having heaps of fun and people cried that it was gonna be a NQ.

And do I really need to elaborate about the local Cypriot church scandal? It just so happened that a bunch of people read into a song’s title so much, thought it was rude of their country to sing about the devil (eventhough the bigger offenses made here is the gratuitous Spanish more than anything), and hoped that the broadcaster will disqualify the very song they okayed to be internally chosen because they are displeased with it - and if it’s not disqualified, they even threatened to burn the headquarters down. No, really. That’s like the most amusing part of that whole spectacle. Imagine burning a broadcaster headquarters down for a song... if I did it for every favourite of mine that lost to other broadcasters, the broadcasters would run out of locations to rent, because everything else good is pre-occupied or the ashes of their lost headquarters staring back at them.

Imagine being toxicly Christian in 2021... How long until Elena’s face gets photoshopped on the main protagoniste of The Unholy?

ANY LAST WORDS?

Even if I’m with this song, part of me kind of wants me to fail to make Cyprus realize that their formula is starting to wear thin and they got to be somewhat of a versatile nation in Eurovision if they want to be on the radar of not just one specific niche. But then again, they learned nothing when they flopped with Tamta, because she sneakily qualified as opposed to failing even harder than Tulia, ah well. Will they ever learn?

But why would I openly wish this to a top 11 song of mine, oh dear. Good luck Elena, may God be on your side, I guess. :P

[doctorhands]

mad today. almost the good kind of mad. clear kind of mad. almost. it’s like that but a drowsy version. binged over the weekend (started with fruits and of course he we are. need to stick strictly to meal plan. water is wet.) 

today was one of those days in class where I was stopped and corrected like 3 times and it made me sour. made me feel the “what am I even doing here” feelings. but I need to remember that all I ve done is committed to a semester course. im not in med school. and if med is not for me there is no shame in it. 

either way I need to get used to being corrected. learn that they are trying to help me I think im at least teachable in that im learning how to pinpoint what I need clarifying on. “You’re only mad because she barked at you” ..... “realized wow I need to toughen up” 

when we were walking back from the supraglottic airway station I said to Emily “im so bad at anything physical” and she said “yeah you overthink” in a very bored tone. when we went back to the class Wayne had set out a nifty machine that played different pathological lung sounds. but I was at the end of the table and the Eric who was switching the sounds and telling us what they were was so quiet and I couldn’t hear any of the explanations or they'd only be said when I had my earpieces in. it irritated me. it reminded me of anatomy when people would be practically whispering about cadaver locations and I was already so panicked and threadbare that I was like “cAN WE SPEAK UP? What Is That? And what was that? Huh? Again? I cannot hear you. speak up.” 

added together I got annoyed and overwhelmed and sad and Emily asked me a couple times if I was okay and I was like “yeah!! just tired! *yawn!!!*” I asked the group if they had neat notes  (To make conversation and share my messy notes which I think are funny and if I’m being honest I like the juxtaposition of getting good grades and having chaotic shitty notes so I wanted to feel special! that was my real motive! there I said it!) Emily said “Yeah! except Eric took notes in here and LOOK” and showed me them and was like “and he got chocolate on them!” and I was like “haha did you walk into his work (an ice-cream shop) and force him to teach you” and she said “No he came over and we studied chapter 9 and 10.” and said “Oh...” and she said “uhh yeah! and he stayed over so late thenthenextdayiwokeuplate!!” and I was like “oh this was the night after the test?” and she was like “yeah!” which....idk seems suspect to me? she kept asking if I was okay and if she did anything wrong and I said nope. 

idk why it hurt my feelings so bad...I guess I thought me and her were the closest and then I find out half of our group is having secret study sessions. kind of feels like shit I guess. I think I need to be a bit more guarded. I get into such trouble, like a golden retriever just so excited to be part of the fun. tomorrow im tempted to be distant and im not sure if it’s just so I can relax and be less....cloy-y for attention and copasetic conversation and worrying if its awkward between the 4 of us or if they'll get bored of me and leave or what. like at the end of the day, I have to rely on myself for whether or not I retain the information. while it might not be as time efficient there are always other ways I can do it without other people and....I can’t spend my limited brain space worrying about whether or not im too weird to keep them around or if well be friends after. im so tired. 

but im also not sure if that’s just me wanting to punish Emily for daring to hang out with Eric without us or before she hung out with me. but I feel so....conned? like she called me and I just got the feeling of like “we’re gonna be great friends!!’ and now im like. oh. silly me. she’s just one of those girls that says “omg I love you!!!” after 30 mins of hanging out, ya know? 

god Im so tired of being fat, I feel like that affects so much of how I communicate with other people. If I had just not eaten that extra spoonful of pb I could be fine by now. >:( 

mitski always reminds me of days like this. awake anger. I listened to her on the way home. raw and alone. Now im in the “fuck this” mood where I want to just live my life on purpose and be the person I want to be right now. clean my room. go for a walk. suck it up. do laundry. feel anger and be still. see things how they are. stop trying to soothe myself but keep living anyway. do the laundry anyway. shower anyway. get the EMT license even though the medical industry is predatory and horrible. don’t shop on amazon and don’t try to feel better about how you’ve shopped on amazon. say that was unacceptable and move on. move on.

[majorxbennyxboy]

TURN S4 according to someone who Has Not Seen It

(pieced together by random bits and pieces of things that have slipped the filters)

Arnold sends Ben this creepy letter like ",,,,,hey,,,,u wanna,,,,,,,,,betray everyone you love and come join me in bastardly traitor fun times,,,,I know you want to because when you tried to shoot me you missed, and that's always a sign of Fondness."

Which Ben is Not For so he's like :/

Richard decides he's going to Love His Son and also switch sides, which is Great !! because now the whole fam are Rebels together and Abe's got this Puzzlement Sandwich going on but he's also happy to finally have a dad. He's skeptical, but he Ready.

Caleb shows up and Abe just. Screams it to the heavens, "MY BUDDY MY PAL MY HOMIE CALEB BREWSTER GET A LOAD OF THAT ARNOLD BASTARD HUH WE SURE DID A GOOD JOB WITH OUR SPY RING DIDN'T WE WOW HAHA WE'RE GOOD"

Abe takes him home and gives him some tea. The cup is as big as Caleb's head and he is Very Cute holding the saucer in his two hands. Declines sugar. He's sweet enough without it. Accepts some whiskey.

He's like "hey you wanna pack up now let's go?"

But Abe Nopes that like "nah see I'm gonna be the Spyingest Spy. Me and the fam are Staying and we are gonna Wreck some Redcoat shite and it's gonna be awesome."

Richard chimes in, "do you and those soldier boys want to burn some stuff bc I can hook you up with a SICK bonfire if youre game"

Caleb is Game.

Washington's like "tallmadge why the *BEEP* didn't you tell me about this letter boi" and it's very Stressful but he's also kind of softly like "tallmadge occasionally does a good job wow"

GWash and Martha get. snuggly.

Ben and Caleb pop off to go destroy people and burn some hay and Ben's like "TAKE THE BULLETS OUT YO GUN GUYS WE GOTTA STEALTH THIS SH"

This redcoat guy alerts the entire fort but Caleb takes him the hell out and the boys blaze in and within about five and a half seconds they take over and set to burning hay. Caleb snatches some stuff like "man yeah I am making some cash today this is worth a fortune on ebay"

Ben is in Richard's house at some point in a heckin' coat.

Caleb goes to pawn his contraband but gets snatched by a weasle.

Arnold's like "you only say you don't like betraying your friends because you've never tried it. come on dude it's fun it's fun I swear you should do it"

And Caleb's like "um dude no hell in way. I'm not about that."

So Arnold conjures Simcoe from hell and that's that.

Simcoe goes "do you know why I like serrated blades?"

"bc u nasty fool"

Simcoe proceeds to behave very badly and tells an extended version of a story that was cut from S1E2 about how his father died when he was like ten and how his RageClown Tendencies are perfectly legit. Also he's just like "Ah yes do you remember S1E2? Those events make all of this okay. It isn't about revenge tho even though it lowkey totally is."

Cookie comes down like "YO MAN WTH ARE YOU DOING U BETTER STOP"

Meanwhile I think Peggy is going "marriage sucks." and Arnold is being a complete ass to her but she doesn't let it diminish her vibes that woman is a queen. And possibly pregnant I think.

She and Philomena run into each other and there's some sassing but Peggy's like "haha ? I will :) destroy you :D"

Boys work out a plan to get Caleb back and it entails swapping Abe and Richard over to the Redcoats and getting something like five-hundred pounds as well.  They got these two all tied up and some guys  come up like "Uh?"

Ben's a spymaster and has it Under Control and tries the ol' Smile 'n Wave routine. It does not work.

They get to the Prisoner Exchange and Ben's like "UM? Excuse you what did you do to my guy over there what'd you do to Caleb"

Simcoe plays pool while predicting the current events

and Richard gets frickin' sniped he's wasted it's over that's done the people SCATTER and everybody runs into a barn.

Mulligan slides into Rivington's inn like "yo Quaker boy. if you happen to be a spy, or something...u should def check out some new threads. *wink* we should talk"

Rob's having none of that. "you're creepy. get away from me."

And then Arnold comes in to straight up slaughter Mulligan and fling him everywhere. He's also like "WHAT IS UP MY PEEPS WHO DON'T EVEN WANT ME. NOT ONLY AM I A DIRTY NO-GOOD WHO BETRAYED MY FORMER PEEPS, I AM NOW PERSONALLY HUNTING DOWN THEIR LITTLE SPIES. TELL THE WORLD. *Flings glitter and drama as well as some shade*"

v uncomfortable cart ride back to camp and a Turtledove Cameo later Abe's like "ben i'm going back to sadtauket and burying my father, possibly myself, also contemplating revenge but not in a culper way."

Ben's like "...uh." and has no less than fifty tabs open but Anna Handles It.

Anna helps this little girl with a doll and everyone in camp ships Benanna. Ben starts thinking about what they can possibly do about this but Anna tells him not to do anything because it's a really good cover and also another box on the People Anna's Dated Bingo Cart the writers have been forcing her to carry around.

Abe buries his father while Thomas mills about chanting "dead dead dead dead dead" in the background and ten tells Mary he's going to kill Simcoe. She tells him not to miss, while bitterly regretting only taking off dude's ear.

????????????????

Selah turns up in Camp and, after miraculously not murdering Ben for the whole "allegedly dating my wife" thing, he's  like "wife. hello. so I've been Facing Reality and steadily accepting the fact that you probably don't love me and most likely never have but, we should still probably Discuss and see if we can work something out."

"Kay"

He goes to Ben like "she works for you' "uh" "she worked for you in Setauket" "uh" "does she still work for you" "uh" "boy" "I mean if you can convince her to go with you and manage to survive the discussion then by all means" "...kay."

Hewlett's Head of Intelligence and v Jaded but also working through his stuff. He's maybe looking at stars and at one point is like "hello soft quaker boy yes I am in love with stars. and myself. and that is Good. I have reached Zen but am also a somewhat Tortured Soul at this stage of the game"

"okay. you're weird. but okay. you do you lizard man. you do you."

A plan is hatched for Abe, who is Culper once again, to beat Arnold at his own game by pretending to turncoat, but not really turning. For some reason Ben's good with this??? idk but he's like "see youohmygod don't get killed please"

Caleb pops off to fetch Mary and is very cute with Thomas. And with Mary. They're all precious. Ben and Anna ride to meet them. They are riding double. With Anna as the big spoon. Hmmmm yesssss

sorry *coughs*

Ben meets Sprout and it's real hella cute for about five seconds.

Back in Camp Ben tells Mary "I gotchu, you're with Abe, you're family, I will take care of you. hmu any time"

And then he gets real serious into talking tactics or smthn to Caleb and Mary shows up in his tent like "hey can you"

and he loses it

"NOBODY SAW YOU DID THEY MARY I CAN't HAVE CAMP THINKING I'M DATING EVERYONE WHAT THE HELL MARY THERE IS PROTOCOL"

Caleb chills, uncomfortably, in the background.

Mary gives it back to Ben. "YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THINGS ABRAHAM IS MY HUSBAND"

"WHY DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE SPY RING"

"HOW DO YOU THINK HE'S STILL ALIVE DUMBASS"

"OH MY GOD IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT"

this continues for a few heart-lurching moments before Mary leaves. Nobody is happy. Not a single individual feels any joy, at all, in their life.

That Randall sicko is still alive and he's like "hey Anna."

she be Knowin "you're that guy Ben tried to take out last season"

"Yeah but that ruling went in my favor"

(WE'RE LEFT HANGING. OKAY, SO THEY DECIDED BEN WAS IN THE WRONG. SO? WHAT HAPPENED? DID THEY MAKE HIM APOLOGIZE? DOCK HIS PAY? DETAILS PEOPLE. HOW DID HE NOT GET DEMOTED???)

and Randall proceeds to tell Anna there's some kind of mutiny being planned.

At some point there is an actual mutiny but the people involved are stopped and arrested and brutally executed and it's a harrowing experience for everybody.

Abe Enlists with the Redcoats and gets this new bunkmate, Joe, who seems interesting. He also visits Townsend who's like "what the hell what the hell what the H E L L  PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHAT IS HAPPENING"

Townsend takes it upon himself to Snoop and keeps following Abe around and shows up at this party and Abe's just like "can you please not be weird Robert I'm undercover"

Cicero completely Outs Abe to Peggy and she's like "...ight."

Simcoe gets nasty and, as with everything involving Simcoe, there are sharp things involved.

Some fool tries to take out Hewlett and Hewlett's like "man I'm so done with everyone's bs this isn't happening today"

He and Abe somehow meet up and instead of killing each other they wind up plotting against Simcoe, something they both believe in.

Those Rebel Boys hatch a plan to expand the spy ring once again with this Champe fellow. He and Caleb pretend to fight, (DAMMIT CHAMPE BE GENTLE WITH HIM) and Ben pretends to be really mad about this and hauls them both to his tent for a Pretend Stern Talking-To in which they discuss Plans and Ben pretends to banish them both forever.

So Champe hops off to go meet Abe.

He's a pretty creepy-like dude and seems to basically be Rebel Simcoe.

Another plan is hatched, this time to get Arnold, but things go awry. Caleb's Struggling and Ben's Upset and once again nobody is at all happy, and it's horrible. absolutely horrible.

More sh goes wrong bc the British are like "right so you're all trained up, time for you go kill some rebel soldier bois" which Abe is less than enthused about.

So Ben's Thinking about this. "who the hell is going to fetch abe. Can't ask Caleb to do it. Anna can't go. Hm guess I'll have to" Anna is quick to point out "lmao ben do you want to be labeled a traitor bc that's what's going to happen you should just ask Caleb." Ben considers this. "...nah it's cool I'll just Resign and go Handle it."

Also Mary has discovered some form of traitor ladies and I think tries to barter the information but Ben's just like "ASHFAKJFHAK PLEES"

Ben hits Hamilton up and asks him to be the new Spyboss ("good luck my guy it's like herding ducks.") and Hamilton isn't so sure about this but Ben's Convinced it is Necessary, makes all the arrangements.

Caleb tho he pops in like "actually I'll take this one" in the biggest frickin miracle of a thousand years

the two have a Moment. a blessed Moment of Purity.

And then Ben flounces over to GWash to resign anyway and they both throw a MASSIVE HISSY FIT AT EACH OTHER AND IT'S HONESTLY EVEN MORE BRUTAL THAN THE "not my son" CONVO IT'S SO TERRIBLE and Washington decides, "well you can't resign. You are Fired."

because he is Ben Tallmadge there seem to be no concrete consequences for talking to the General the way Ben does in this particular scene, even though GWash could quite possibly have him fed to an angry sheep.

Caleb has a very Emotionally Moving convo with Mary and it comes back to help him out later.

Abe and Simcoe make eye contact and Simcoe's like "MURDER TIME YAY" and chases him. Abe tries to shoot him, misses. Chase resumes until Abe is cornered. AND CALEB JUST TAKES SIMCOE THE FRICK OUT HE JUST. NAILS HIM, KABOOM. +1000 FOR THE BLESSED BEARDY WHALER FLOWER MAN.

For good measure, Abe then flings Simcoe off a thing and the man slithers away in the time it takes Abe to get down there. Abe pulls a pistol on him in front of several other guys, none of whom notice, but then leaves without actually shooting the scarecrow.

Caleb shows up to talk to some Soldier Bois like "have you seen my spy" and they have but it's Champe. But !! they tell him some Stuff about where to find Abe and he's like "well that's good" and jogs on his merry way to find that Boy.

also Hewlett doesn't play he's all about "you killed my horse, and we're about to have a discussion."

Yorktown, meanwhile, Looms, and the Biggest Question is whether they'll be able to wrap this up without E10 being movie-length.

[firewithoutaspark]

Its 3am and I can’t sleep

& nothing makes sense to me, ever.

I hope it gets to point that I get so mad I actually do something for myself. To become this dream version of me, to take life by the horns and actually fucking do something.

God it must be so draining for everyone else to be around me. I’m sick of being around me. I can honestly say that I hate myself, at least this version of who I am because how. fucking. dreadful.

No wonder why shit always ends up this way for me. I need to take control and I’ve known that for a while now but this stupid head of mine won’t allow it. Nothing processes properly and it’s so frustrating.

It feels like my head is a bath tub and it’s filling up with water and switching back and forth to hot and cold constantly until I’m completely drowning and overflowing with thoughts. Then the water drains and it starts all over again.

That’s honestly the best way I’ve ever described being bipolar to make it somewhat understandable.

One half of me always wants to take risks and chances, get on that adrenaline rush, go on adventures, scream because of how happy I am to be alive.

While the other wants to lock myself in my room, curl into a bawl under endless amounts of comforters and hide from this world because there’s just too much shit for me to handle and sleeping it off is the only way to get through my day without wanting to die.

It’s unfortunate that right now that’s who I’ve become ONCE AGAIN. I’m pretty fucking useless at this point in time and life is canceled for today and everyday until further notice.

See, parts of me know that I have to “suck it up” and get my shit together. What am I doing here... no seriously, What the fuck am I doing here... AGAIN. Why do I keep putting myself through this cycle when I already know the answer. There’s no more questions that need to be asked at this point.

The anger burning inside of me that I have once again turned into this shitty excuse of a human being is un fucking real right now.

I have this person in my head saying “shut uppp, then do something about it”

Ever have someone in your life just point out the complete obvious, that seems like the farthest thing from obvious at the time?

It got to a point where it was almost really fucking annoying because of how simple it really is.

“You have control over your life”

So you can be like yeah duh I know that I’m my own person. But no. Really..

“You’re literally in charge of what happens in your life. You’re capable of changing the whole entire thing based off the choices that you make. If you don’t want to do something, then why do it? You don’t “have to” do anything you don’t want to.”

The magical fucking statement that makes me want to jump off a cliff to this day.

Simple solution right?

I mean honestly, reading that makes me feel like a complete idiot. Every time I stop and can for five seconds get my thoughts together and hear those words in the back of my head I want to rip all of my hair out because it really is That. Fucking. Simple.

Those words ARE the words to live by. Because I mean seriously life is way too short to be doing shit you just don’t want to do..

Which brings me back to why I hate myself. Because my empathetic ass is always doing things I don’t want to do because I can’t not feel bad for every breathing creature in my life. Which honestly ends up hurting more people than not because I find it hard to be honest with people to spare their feelings and try and do what’s right by everyone else by putting my feelings aside and then the real me comes out when I can’t hold it in anymore and then I end up blurting out how I really feel and everyone’s offended or hurt or confused. Which ends up being my fault because I just wanted to do the right thing for everyone else.

It’s a serious issue I have and I honestly am not even sure of what I want at this point to even head in any type of direction with myself.

It’s a shitty feeling not knowing who you are. I see so many better versions of myself that I just don’t even know how to go about getting there. I just get paralyzed.

I just wish I wasn’t so down right now because I feel like a bigger part of it is I don’t feel like I’m worth the fight. My biggest obstical is myself.

Idk mannnnnnn, I just need to trip and get a better perspective of things again. I’ve been craving to be in my own little world, I have to wake up.

Speaking of wake up, I probably only have about a 3 hour time period until I have to so I’m going to try and shut my head down and sleep a bit. ✌🏼