#idk why or how meditation works so well for me but it does

[neverbeforeandneversince]

yesterday’s walk was not as successful but I did it although i cut it short by like half a mile or so.

[tothepointofinsanity]

Hiii

I don't mean to like give unsolicited advice, but if you're having frequent nightmares I actually have experience with that. I tend to have nightmares in clumps- either I don't have dreams at all or I have nightmares daily, which can be really frustrating sometimes but you learn how to deal with it.

Heres what I found works for avoiding the big scare:

-Avoiding Spicy Food. Idk why but eating spicy food seems to make your brain more active at night whiiiich just leads to sum scary shenanigans

-Hot Milk. If your lactose intolerant or just don't like milk, tea works fine too, but something about Milk itself is very soothing especially mixed with honey. Knocks me right out.

-Meditation. Ik everyone says this one but lowkey i think it really does help. A troubled mind does lead to troubled dreams, and often times u get end to end nightmares if your dealing w stress or anxiety yk. Meditation rlly grounds a person and gets their brain used to being still again, altho there are lots of ways to achieve this even if u don't like meditating ygm

With all that said, I really really hope that ur nightmares come to an end soon ik it rlly sucks :/ WISHING U WELLLLL

Oh, hello sailor. ^_^ I’m flabbergasted that no one told me that the cultural diet and way of life that I’ve been living for the past…..entire life has apparently been contributing to the burden of my nightmares. Unfortunately I cannot part with spice as it would spiritually destroy me. I love being able to flex my spice tolerance and here I am paying the price of my hubris./lh

I actually do like drinking milk at night but I realised I only drink the refrigerated ones. Warm milk tastes strange. It seems like I’m doing everything within my power to do the opposite of what you recommended unintentionally. I do like to drink tea…as for meditation, I do believe it has its merits and I’m not so quick as to dismiss it considering a lot of my previous teachers have actually advised the same of me. Some even recommending yoga. Which only goes to show I may have Problems if the advice I keep getting is more or less the same. Meeting up with people actually effectively lessens my nightmares for whatever reason, which is why you’ll catch me mumbling about gallery dates any other alternate day. Anyways. I’ve observed my nightmares are only whenever I’m at home and never occur when I’m sleeping at the dormitory. Wonder if there’s anything up with that.

Nevertheless, I truly appreciate your concern and support. I think the truth is that I am actually just a troubled person with a troubled past and future and predisposed to having an ape brain that runs simulations on the most repulsive possibilities. Very common vein of possibilities in on itself. Person experiences bad things, their brain makes them remember it in different monstrous forms. Maybe I should really look into being medicated to calm my brain. Please take care as well…^^

[gorgeouslypink]

I read your post about sabotaging yourself and it resonated deeply so I made it clear to myself I am going to enter the void no matter what because I can have anything I desire just by this (I can also do it without void but you get what i mean) so why the fuck not.

After that I laid down on my stomach in starfish position with my blanket on me and began to affirm all the void affs I could remember. (just to mention no I did not meditate to clear my thoughts out, next time i’ll try it though I think it may be helpful for me since I have ADHD.)

If you do happen to post this heres all the ones I remember affirming for some people who do need affs!

list of affs I used.

I am not attached to my body.

I am void.

I am.

Subconscious, take me to the void now.

I detach from reality and enter void.

I enter the void in 2 minutes.

I can no longer hear, feel or see, everything is dark and I am detached.

(i think im gonna shorten it down to just 2-3 affs because I think it’ll help me get into it faster.)

sometimes i caught myself drifting off to sleep and sometimes affirming the opposite of what I was supposed to say because I kept drifting off.

My body felt really really heavy and sluggish and I honestly think I kept drifting off to sleep instead of into the void, because I didn’t feel myself getting pulled up into it but more so like drifting into like drowsiness or so. So I stopped and told myself I’ll just go to sleep and wake up inside the void since I keep drifting off towards it anyways.

I noticed while laying down my hearing kept drifting in and out idk if thats because I was drifting to sleep or what, but I could no longer hear my box fan sometimes but then like something in me kept…idk like kept waking me up from that feeling (which I think is a sign of me entering the void…so i’ll take that into consideration)

When I opened my eyes I felt so sluggish and heavy, but heres the thing. Not one single thought relating to “failure” or “the void doesn’t work” crossed my mind, and instead I felt really good. My body felt sluggish as hell, but my mind felt really gooddd. Like i felt my mind was saturated, and it felt a little heavy (big brain moment😝😝) and my body was just really heavy as well.

Whilst this wasn’t really a void success story this is the most “movement” I’ve ever experienced while entering the void, and I would really like to thank you for giving me that wake up call and telling me to stop being lazy with my life, all I have to do is affirm and persist in that assumption.

I am going to state my name. My name is Noa and I will come back with a success story sometime later on today or tomorrow. because I have made it my intention to enter the void while taking my nap, and nothings going to stop me as long as i assume I will do so and set the intention to do so.

I wondered for a few mins how it would feel to wake up inside the void…because logically u open ur eyes to wake up but I stopped myself and told myself logic does not fucking matter, stop asking questions and just do it.

This is the end of my little ask thingy but expect to see me back sometime later!! 🫶🏿

Aww I'm so proud of you. Even though you didn't enter YET, I know you will! And I'll rmbr your name and await your success story! I'm so glad my post helped 💗

[theflyindutchwoman]

Okay idk if we’ve talk about this before but I just saw it on the rookie subreddit and I wanted your opinion because it does irk me a little bit too

In 5x20 when Tim is talking to Isabel about his suspension and says “Lucy suggested meditating” and then they laugh about it. It felt so gross to me a little bit

Like he was laughing at Lucy with his ex-wife. Im sure that wasn’t the intention but I can see how people read it as that and now I can’t unsee that. And then the way he yelled Chen 😤 sir….

I know their point was to show that there was no bad blood left before Isabel and Tim but I hate how they did it. Laughing at Lucy’s expense ain’t it.

I think I wouldn’t bother me (and the subreddit lol) if maybe he laughed but then added a “but I know she’s just trying to help.” Or something like that. Like acknowledging that she’s trying to help but it’s not his vibe. Instead of just mean girl laughing abojt it

Idk that’s always irked me and I just saw the post on Reddit and it reminded me and then I thought “I have discussed this with bestie yet” lol

Yeah, it definitely was a point of contention when it aired. Actually, there were several moments in this episode that were a bit iffy, but this was the main one.

I just interpreted it at first as Tim laughing at the idea of doing meditation, rather than laughing AT Lucy. But it doesn't change the fact that it was quite ambiguous and clumsy… especially since the camera turned to her and he was laughing with Isabel. I fully understand why so many read it that way. And, like I said, it wasn't the only questionable moment in this episode so it certainly didn't help.

I also remember that someone pointed out how out of character it would be for Tim to laugh at this suggestion at all, since in 3.11 he was teaching Barnes some breathing/grounding exercises - which fall under the umbrella of meditation. Now it could be a case of the writers forgetting about canon. It has happened before and will most likely happen again. Or it could simply be that the writers didn't realise this. I was taught similar breathing exercises in the past without ever being aware that they were meditating tools. As a matter of fact, I still can't do regular meditating exercises, so in that regard, I guess I can relate a bit to Tim. But I found this to be a very interesting point.

Im sure that wasn’t the intention but I can see how people read it as that and now I can’t unsee that. Yep. I doubt that it was the intention either, there was just something lacking in the execution. I guess the writers were so focused on showing there was no bad blood between Isabel and Tim that they didn't grasp how it could look from Lucy's perspective. And the thing is, I actually appreciate that they didn't try to go down the 'bitter exes' trope or anything of the sort. We already have this with Nyla and Donovan or even with Bailey. It was refreshing to see two exes be able to work together and be cordial with no hidden agenda. To have these three characters work together without jealousy or bitterness getting in the way. Besides, considering their history, this makes more sense. But yes, I just wish that it didn't come at Lucy's expense either. That they would have found a better middle ground and not make fun of her empathy. Especially since the episode started so well - I absolutely love their very first scene in her apartment, before Isabel showed up.

[devils-dares]

hi!! i’m a huge fan of ur work omg.

i’ve had this idea for a bit but i lack the word skills to write it but: matt x child reader where child is autistic maybe? like how they’d bond over sensory input and output, stuff like that? just a thought idk

hi! i don't want to explicitly say this is for reader with autism, as i don't personally have it and don't want to write it in a way that doesn't represent people with it or offends them in any way. i do, however, suffer from sensory input due to my disability.

as always when writing these i try to be as inclusive as possible, if i have offended anyone in any way, please let me know.

thanks!

-----

“Busy today, hm?” Your dad says, referencing the supermarket that’s overflowing with shoppers.

“We should’ve gone earlier in the week, not on a Saturday.”

“It’s okay, we were out of cereal anyways.” He takes hold of your upper arm as the two of you walk in.

Almost immediately the sounds of the store bombard you, from the squeaky carts to the endless conversations, the beeping of the scanners, not to mention the visual input, the sea of people flowing back and forth. You grit your teeth, the buzzing of the lights making your bones hurt.

“You okay?” Matt asks, squeezing your arm.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, why?”

“Oh, you didn’t respond, I just asked what was first on the list.”

“Bread. We need bread.”

“Lead the way.” You rush through the store, catching your dad off guard as you pull him with you.

“You’re in a rush.” His words slip past your ears as you get bombarded with new sounds, louder this time. Your hands instinctively go over your ears, pressing hard as you try to soothe yourself. Suddenly, the lights get brighter, the world starts spinning, and the crowd doesn’t stop coming.

“No no no.” You murmur, and you feel yourself getting tugged out of the store as you close your eyes.

“Hey, eyes on me, eyes on me.” You hear your dad say. You try your best to focus on him, but when you open your eyes, your surroundings look like a muddied painting, everything looking blended together. Your ears are still ringing and you’re still dizzy.

“Talk to me, what’s going on?”

“Too much, the sound I can’t- dizzy.”

“Okay, hey, let’s try to breathe, okay? We’re in a safe, quiet area. Grab my hands, let’s take a breath.” You squeeze his fingers to high hell, and you know it aches him but you need to ground yourself.

“You’re doing so good, so well. Keep taking those deep breaths, I’m so proud of you.” He stays quiet as he hears your heart fall into a normal paced rhythm, and your breathing gets back to normal.

“Good job, let’s get home, okay?”

“But the groceries-”

“I’ll come back for them, don’t worry your head about that.”

-----

“Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“I do, actually.”

“Okay, I’m here.” He passes you a hot chocolate and takes his seat next to you on the couch.

“It’s been happening more and more recently. Those- episodes. In school too, I can just hide it well most of the time, y’know? It’s just that sometimes everything gets to be too much, the smells get stronger, my eyes start darting, everything gets so much louder and it makes everything hurt.”

“I get it-”

“Dad-”

“No seriously! I do, I promise. The thing about being Daredevil, these powers that I have, it gets too much. I can’t go out in the rain, it feels like everything is pounding and throbbing around me. I need silk sheets because cotton feels like sandpaper on my skin. I can’t use most shampoos or soaps because the scents burn my nose. I get it, I do, I just wish you told me earlier so I could help you.”

“How? How does this get better?”

“I use grounding techniques, meditation, I even pack headphones to shut out the world sometimes. We could go out in short stints for exposure therapy. I want to help you, and I want you to be able to rely on me for support.”

“Okay, I can do that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, thanks Dad.”

“That’s what I’m here for, kiddo.”

[charmedreincarnation]

hii, so im actually kind of new to the void state and ive been reading methods, explanations, succes stories and all that and i don't think i have any problem with like my actual self concept (?) but i think what's holding me back is just not really believing it?

i got into the shifting a while before i got into like actual loa and the void state and with shifting it was somehow very easy to believe in it and it made a lot of sense to me, i never doubted it or anything but when it comes to the void state it's different idk why. its not so much that i doubt it's possible to get into it cus it's just a deep meditative state but more about the stuff you can manifest and how its instant i guess?

anyway yea, i was wondering if you had any advice on this bc im not really sure why i feel this way or how to change it

I think I can see your logic, but if you believe in instant manifestation(which you do because you believe in shifting) what’s the difference in your perspective on the void state?

You also claim it has nothing to do with your self concept and if that’s true.. then your mentality should shift to it doesn’t matter if it sounds far fetched I can do it. Wether you have to tell yourself and believe you’re the first person to actually achieve the void state, or you’re just super powerful, all you should know is that you’re more than capable!

But I do understand it’s harder to imagine a tangible reality rather than the concept of nothing. It can also be scary, at least it was for me at first. I couldn’t imagine a place where nothing exists. What happens when you're confronted with a nothing? What does that mean? It was just too much for my mind to wrap itself around. To me, it seems like a paradox. It's not something I could understand or accept.

At the same time, some people accept the concept of the void state and don’t care about that aspect and are totally comfortable with it no problem! And that's OK. Everyone has their own beliefs and their own ways of interpreting the world.

Maybe you’re the former rather than the latter, I can’t really tell you where your mind is because I’m not you! If you really want to utilize the void and work through it, then great you have nothing stopping you and good luck! But you can do the exact same thing without the void and see where that takes you as well. Either way you’re limitless and your chances of success is inevitably 100% 💕

[incarnateirony]

I really don't know how to encapsulate what this job does for me personally. The closest to fulfillment I had to this was during all of my political work to beat trump and flip the senate, but that was more a sense of compulsion and desperation, getting hands on for an emergency change.

This is just something that's legitimately fulfilling and whether I realized it or not, was something I studied my whole life for. My ex wife isn't the only person I brainbend for the greater good, she's just one of the few that fight back because she doesn't want help.

Most of the people that come to my door are coming because they want help, even if I have to literally pull them from the ledge, there's a part of them open to help. All of this years of alchemy and jung and everything has apparently put me on par with Psych PHD people in my ability to intervene, and it's even been commented my cases don't just have an unusually high success rate, but an unusually high follow up where they or the PSAP responders reach back to the center with gratitude. A lot of cases just never follow up. Generally people don't like involuntary, but I manage to even make involuntary seem voluntary when I have to use it as a last ditch, though even that I have remarkably low rates for since I can de-escalate, safety plan, and voluntary most people.

Today I had to do a PSAP, but the person had already taken sleeping pills before even getting on the line and stopped responding, hence me yelling about shaking down apple and getting past their icloud relay to get them help. (Spoiler: Success.) I hadn't had one for almost a month before that, all de-escalations. Several in a row during the holidays but other than that, only a few my whole time here.

I dunno. It's just a ride. Finding something for me, that I want to do, that doesn't feel like a job while I'm here on my 40 wishing I could do more. But I guess that's what the Supervisor position is for, huh?

...Why do I feel like I'll actually miss talking to the individuals though? Weirdly I feel like part of me? Him? I don't know which it is, is like, no, you're where you need to be right now, because you can't train everyone to do what you do how you do. You've saved 100 lives in that position you're sitting in, and while by proxy you might do thousands, it's the ones you miss. You know? What would the trade off be, the all seeing dispatcher of hermetic psychopompy for the cases we fail? Nah I'm good, I'm sure he can haunt the center himself.

Maybe that's another reason what she's doing is so goddamn offensive past the mind rape and the blasphemy, like... IDK man. All the stuff you refuse to learn, if it was a calling, you could do some real goddamn good with it. Like look at it. LOOK AT IT. Not... charging people for octopus jibberish. Maybe that's another reason it's evoking so much rage.

I'll have to meditate on it. I have my resume open but haven't poked it, just was gonna add the stuff from, well, here so recruiting sees it but now that shift is over I'm looking at it like MMMM. Do I put it in and let him decide?

[luckydragon10]

Hello Nemi! *throws heart confetti on the floor*

THE SHIP HAS HAPPENED, WE GOT KISSES HELL YEAH

Oh my god so much happened this chapter I am so well fed ejzjsjdn

So first of all - more jealous Kinn and I indeed snorted it like cocaine

Tay and Kinn affectionately bullying Porsche and Porsche getting all the dirt from Kinn's youth from Tay? *chief kiss*

Oh OH THE BATHROOM SCENE I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE FROM SQUEALING LIKE AHHH

But also the angst was delicious, I love how you give Tay space to still deal with the impact Time left, like just because we are moving onto the romantic arc with Kinn and Porsche now even deeper then ever Tay still is haunted by what Time does and it still dictates a lot of his thoughts and decisions and idk, I just appreciate it

Also I love how you always describe Kinn's and Porsche's love

Porsche and Tay gossiping together is my favorite headcanon and kisses to you for including it

Porsche being sort of Kinn's handler and meditator - very funny and I love it but also my poor bean Kinn

Kinn loving Tay for such a long time - just break my heart why don't you? The line about him regretting that he didn't go to him after that first breakup? Uh straight to the heart, I'm crying clutching the phone in my arms, cradling it like one would a baby (also i saw something abt something from Kinn's perspective?? I cannot wait untill this angst hits me when you decide to post it 👀👀)

Also ahh the description of Kinn's love hitting Tay - so good, reread it like four times already, can't get enough of it and AHHH Porsche's "you're so easy to fall for" chewing on wood, batshit crazy

Kinn hugging Tay and not letting go so Porsche needs to kiss him over Kinn? Idk just a nice image that warms my heart

Ah ah and the deal making! That was so funny and as Porsche said "rich people" i was like "nerds" very affectionately and I would only like to say that you are included for that statement, Nemi you little adorable nerd

Anyway thank you so much for writing the chapter - I loved it! See you on the next one hahaha

Have a good day/night Nemi 💕💞

WE HAVE A SHIP! \o/ Long may it sail!

There can never be too much possessive Kinn, at least not in my books. And as long as he's demonstrating claim and not actually being controlling, I will roll in it like catnip. 😍

And look, there is just gonna be so much loving bullying going on in this ship, it's ridiculous. Outsiders will look at it and ask "how does that even work?" but after watching the dynamic for a few days, they slowly catch on.

But also the angst was delicious, I love how you give Tay space to still deal with the impact Time left, (...)

Look, look, about Tay and the impact that Time left, I just started thinking about it and there were so many potential ramifications that it hurt my heart. What does it mean to love someone like that for so long? To stick with them when they never really quite love you back the way you need? When I explored it, I just thought "oh, that would impact self-esteem in a big way, obviously."

One thing I also wanted to get across is that the relationship between each of them is very, very different. Kinn and Porsche sort of always have this power struggle going on, and it's INTENSE. They burn so brightly. And between Kinn and Tay there's soooo much history and things left unsaid and longing on Kinn's part and longing-mixed-with-self-doubt on Tay's, and again, it's INTENSE, but in a very different flavor, more classic romantic/yearning. Meanwhile, between Porsche and Tay? It's just so deliciously easy, calm and soothing, a friendship-love that's a balm to both their hearts, something that for once in their lives isn't a struggle.

^_^ It makes me haaaapppyyyy.

Kinn hugging Tay and not letting go so Porsche needs to kiss him over Kinn? Idk just a nice image that warms my heart

Kinn being a big, stubborn baby is also one of my favorite things.

So, Dom, are you ready for tomorrow? ARE YOU READY FOR THE LAST CHAPTER?

(Well, last chapter of this fic, but more ficlets to come in the future as part of the series. 😏)

[dateamonster]

ive thought abt it ive meditated on it and i do like x significantly more than i thought i would

my first impressions led me to believe it was going to be an """elevated horror""" take on a bog standard slasher, with the adult film angle mainly being used as a gimmick to shock and tantalize while paying some lip service to the (s)exploitation history of the subgenre. from the trailer alone you could see it was heavily referencing slashers past (mainly texas chainsaw) but it was hard to get a sense of the movies identity outside of that. with how obsessed the genre (and all genres really) currently is with stealing the moves and iconography of more recognizable and nostalgic IPs, paired with the fucking lightning quick release of a prequel, i kinda wrote x off as a sales strategy dressed up like a movie. and idk i still stand by like parts of that. ive heard that pearl is the wildly superior movie (planning to watch that next) so it makes me wonder if x was just like a means to drum up interest in a movie that otherwise wouldnt have been as marketable. if that is at all the case, i have to give it up to the creators because that is such a bold and honestly kind of hilarious strat and funniest of all it seems to have totally worked. this is all still speculation of course.

but x on its own is a pretty strong movie. idk if its an especially good horror movie, but it is a good movie, and i feel like that sorta takes precedent. the characters were all well-defined and interesting. there was a good mix of likable folks that made you want to see them survive and assholes with satisfying deaths- the two prime forms of slasher victim imo. most importantly in my opinion, the story engaged honestly and meaningfully the subjects of sex and sex work. the way the genre typically treats sexuality has historically been... less than progressive, and though its still ultimately a story about sex workers being killed by repressed octogenarians, which is gonna be what it is no matter what, i felt pleasantly surprised by the treatment of the characters and the subject matter.

it doesnt feel like an arbitrary gimmick either. more i think the conflict between the elderly antagonists and their lodgers represents the conflict between the free love and sex positive movements of the 60s and 70s and the rise of christian conservative moralism in response to it, ominously foreshadowing its crest only a few short years after the events of the movie during the hiv/aids crisis.

i interpreted the movies thesis as this idea that hostility towards sexuality particularly between generations stems from this repression and agonized frustration at the loss of sex, beauty, youth. the movie draws all these interesting visual and narrative parallels between the two conflicting parties, particularly between maxine and pearl, which is obviously heightened by the fact that mia goth plays both characters in either movie respectively, which seem to suggest that pearl is a version of maxine who never got to live her superstar dreams, who is deeply burdened by regret and the passage of time and takes it out on those she sees as flaunting their privileges. its a phenomenon we still see in real time today: "why does this sheltered, soft younger generation get to have it so easy, when i had it so hard." clumsy as the execution felt in some places, the core premise is strong.

the places where x doesnt work for me or mostly in its desperation to make moments feel scarier than they are with ominous sound design and erratic editing. it doesnt not work, i guess, but the result feels undeserved. the actual horror part of this horror movie is its weakness. its the first time i can remember where i was engaged up until the middle of the latter half where the killing actually takes off. it just didnt do it for me, and the way the elderly couples bodies and sexuality were exploited to try and provoke horror and disgust felt especially like it was just trying too hard. i cant deny those scenes were uncomfortable, but not for the reasons the filmmakers seemed to think, and never to the point of fear or dread.

my favorite parts of x were the moments that explored the relationships between the young movie makers. i honestly feel like that in and of itself couldve been the whole movie and i wouldve been just as happy. bobby-lynne i think was a delightful, undersold character, with her marilyn monroe looks and quiet, profound emotional intelligence, as well as the unflinching pride in her career of choice. jackson i wish couldve been a focus more, if only because i feel like media is so afraid to talk about male sex workers and especially the way that role intersects with race. the film their making itself is predicated on a really loaded racialized dynamic and i know focusing more on that would probably totally take focus off the main story but its still really interesting and it feels strange just sort of letting that hang in the air.

the subplot regarding rj and lorraine is incredibly interesting and frustrating to me. x just fucking nails it with this one. lorraines sudden desire to join the movie felt a little forced to me but im overlooking that because it gives way to this sharp, incisive character moment, revealing that rj, for all he likes to talk about porn being art, looks down on its participants. his supposed sex positivity only holds out as long as he can retain a clear mental distinction between the good girls (chaste, but not too prudish, of course) and the dirty sluts. its just such a succinct and accurate roast of the divide between person who benefits/profits from sex work vs the actual worker, and how thats informed by sexism, racism, classism. rj and wayne die horribly again challenge <3

anyway thats all i have to say for now i think. there were hits, there were misses, but i do think i absolutely get the hype now, even if i dont necessarily agree with it in absolutely every aspect. mia goth put in an amazing performance, obviously, as did the rest of the cast imho, and im very excited for pearl.

[livecharliereaction]

manga ep2 big post part 2/?

this art style is kind of crazy ANYWAY. Ughhhhh. Somehow this too is about yasuda gender. Its so. Endless gender for the endless witch

Made jessica cry. Jessica im so sorry

completely forgot this is like A Rosa Episode lowkey ouhhhhh In the end. I love her too. But thats just because i can see...

COLOREEEED PRETTYYY oh shannon kanon counter but its just them and genji too

she said witch beatrice shes so fun i love her another fave-since-ep1 for sure

Keeping an eye on her and genji as well. Ugh. And nanjo too.

Hardest two in all of life <- i typed this sentence then looked away from the puter to talk to family for 2 secs and looked back and realised it doesnt make any fucking sense but i agree

Whys this art style making him look crazy cool well hes cool in ryukishi too but its like lame-cool this is like well i dont know

most normal girl ever

thank god for the love that i can see with because she is so evil. maybe its pretty privilege too Oh but rosas pretty and yet i hated her at one point. Idk something about eva is just. Ughhh

NOT sure about her btw im interpreting it as yasuda playing with her and marias fun and kanon here is kinda just hoping to get a perspective But also could be a lot of her doing play-pretend based on like A few interactions. I have to take a big look at mariage sorciere when its more relevant i mean itll be talked here but other eps too

BADDIE. Why i kinda like this style so much?!!!? Anyway easy to explain why rosa can see her (yasuda felt bad for little maria and dressing up. ill have to look but that might be the distinction between the two outfits)

Study door handle burned her hand i guess its because kinzo shouldnt be seen right now

SHES MENTIONING HOW KANON DOESNT HAVE TO BE FURNITURE ANYMORE I FORGOT ABOUT ALL OF THAT SHE KEPT PROMISING IT BUT I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD. OH MAN

Exact same rank...

Lol gohda is so. Such an inoffensive character all in all? He does NOTHING for us. Or maybe i just dont have the love to see it. Like what his role is in the big picture. Hes just there. I dont think thats a bad thing though

Its so fucking good. Makes you wonder though. About genji kumasawa and even nanjos motivation to let her do her thing... Because kinzos supposedly already dead, are they really so loyal to give him his "redemption" despite that...

He says he never met her though and he doesnt think they had a child. Ugh.

maria keeps saying crazy things shes so funny light of the party

sayo. Ohmmmmm. I think the translation team changed cos the other one had her tell him her name is kiyo no? yeah i checked she definitely told him that. thats interesting

shes so funny i love her sense of humor its so great. Anyway one of the most iconic scenes in this ep commence

shes sleeping guys no shes meditating

girlslove

u crazy

I FORGOT ABOUT THIS BEING HERE OH MY GODDDDDD OK OK OK OK

i remember being a little confused when i first read on why tf they were focusing so much on the locked rooms but thats the thing now. and besides how else would u approach it well i dont know

its all about the closed rooms and the closed (cat)boxes etc

i need her . When her demeanor and appearance are partially specifically tailored for battler to like her Well call me battler cos it works. It does make u feel a bit bad though doesnt it

he doesnt like the rule though hes all zen zen dame da about it

shes got the gun and shit shes taking chargeeeeee.... queen

oh hell show UP ALRIGHT seriously one of my fav scenes to this day and this is like what ep 2

eughhhhhhh ughhhhh uhghhhhghghh well Yyeah To be fair with the truth and all im still not sure how it was done something something kumasawa or whatever its conceivable

they draw her so strange (good)

Omg its just like ep6

GIRLSLOVE

battler asked rosa how she can prove shes not a wolf Ohhhh girl. Hey maria. Im going to be the father that stepped up

[mystical5hit]

Life Update — February 7, 2024 6:19 AM

The mental, emotional, & spiritual glow up has been great, but can a bitch see some physical changes? I am grateful & tired. I wrote all this shit last year about my birthday falling on a new moon and how I was so hopeful about all these new beginnings that would come rushing in and guess what? All I got was ripped away from the place I grew up & relocated to the place I escaped from. I mean I did say once I finished my degree that I would leave SC because that’s the ONLY reason why I returned. I can admit I got comfortable there… aside from PA, it’s all I know. The last place I wanted to be was back in FL though. I fucking hate it here. It’s too hot. The politics are shit. It’s just a shit place and I wouldn’t dare raise a family here. I barely see any black people. I don’t know a soul. It’s like 2014/2015 alllll over again. Great. Only this time I’m way more stronger mentally because babyyyy I was going through it real bad with my depression back then. Don’t get it twisted, my depression is still well and alive. I just can manage it better as I’ve learned a lot about depression through school and experience with it. I have coping mechanisms I didn’t have in the past to keep me sane. I have my breakdowns here and there, I am human. And reasonably so. I literally lost it all and have yet to gain anything back. My job. My home. My car. All gone. Granted, I HATED my job and my home lol. My job was causing me lots of stress and costing me my mental health. My home was literally causing health issues! How I go from never having sinus issues to all of sudden having them and now that I’m no longer in that place, my issues have gone away… I’m still trying to piece together why Spirit brought me back here… what’s here in FL for me? The pay here SUCKS. I can’t find a job in my profession which is why I avoided coming here in the first place & now I’m here… wondering why? & oddly enough Spirit relocates a love interest here only to take that away too. Idk man. Life is kicking my ass per usual & I just don’t know how, what, when, where, or why.

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to pour all that I can into my business to no avail because you know, shit does take money that I don’t have. I started a YouTube channel in hopes I can monetize off that. I know things take time, but DAMN. I also know I can’t compare my journey to others, it gets real discouraging though to hear people’s stories of how they took off in a few months to a year and I’m just still waiting around. *sigh*. I think what pisses me off the most is that I do the healing work. I work so hard on myself. I do the meditations. I’ve done the therapy. So wtf is the hold up? I hate how I can manifest for friends and family so easily, but when it comes to myself — you can fucking forget it. I’m not even asking for much. Stability and romantic love. I’ve got neither. I’ve done every single manifestation technique you can think of! They say bay leaves are one of the most powerful techniques, TUH. Not for my Black ass! Allegedly, it’s just not my time. I know I’m on Divine time, but Spirit if not now then when? I’ve been stripped of EVERYTHING. I even tried fasting! Promises were made for fasting, it’s in the Bible! Whatever. Ima just end it here. If you’re reading this, don’t give up. That’s one thing my mother always told me even while I was doing the simplest of things. Don’t give up. I’m not giving up. I’ve given too much into my spiritual business to give up. I’ve been on my spiritual journey for too long to give up. I’ve made it through hella storms to give up. My time will come, it will. Gotta have faith, the size of a mustard seed is all you need. I cannot wait for my moment, so I can take care of everyone that took care of me & chuckle at times like this ❤️. Cheers to 29 & cheers to many more years of life.

[flameontheotherside]

What does guidance look like?

Erik helps me on this journey. Since day one my training to become a better version of myself started. Karma clearing, understanding my role in this life, working out trauma and learning how to communicate with him are some of the things we've done together.

But for someone whose twin soul is dead, what should the relationship look like. Well it should look more like this in my opinion...

You aren't just sitting on the notion you have a twin soul who is dead or not on this dimension.

They want to talk to you and you work on many ways of communication. Not just one.

They appear in your dreams with important information, not just to frolic.

They act as a teacher to you or guide in that they tell you what you are doing wrong and give you ways to correct it in a loving meaningful way.

You have a strong desire to work out your karma and past lives and you do it. It's a long process.

You start learning about the spiritual world and spiritual growth. I recommend books by Dolores Cannon.

Learn dream work or meditation work. These are so helpful when you need clearing of negative energy from the day.

You may want to change your diet and have the desire to exercise.

Recognize these are things that take years to develop.

I'm currently on my 7th year and it's no picnic. Since having this blog I've had people who say I've been helpful but idk I feel maybe on the surface I've been helpful but I can't be sure the more serious matters are sinking in. This post is on serious matters I doubt people take into consideration while having a ts in spirit.

According to their attitudes it seems like having a ts in spirit to them is a novelty. It's not. It's more serious than that. If they aren't serious I can't see how my blog is helping if at all! People just think there's no work and if they are made aware they don't want to do it. Maybe it's fear but sometimes your only way out is through. Maybe that fear will lead you to truth if you let it.

If meaningful communication with your dead TS is a problem, why is it?

Tarot, signs, and 3rd party medium isn't meaningful communication imo. It's temporary. Telepathy and pendulum is the only way you can get to the point and to the source. If you need help I have an entry on that in my table of contents. Eventually you will need to learn protection and how to use a pendulum correctly.

For example if I'm just not able to take out my pendulum and alphabet book, I'd use my tarot to communicate with Erik. It's a great tool for when I'm just too tired as well. But I can't stress enough how much better communication is when you get actual words of your twin soul coming from your pendulum!

Document! Document! Document!

What your twin soul tells you is important. You must write it down or keep a log of it. This is why I have my blog. This blog was originally created to keep my thoughts and insights. Also to let out steam. It will prove to be important. Whatever you document is always important. Dreams, readings, communication, etc. DOCUMENT!

😘💕 Have a wonderful day!

[kdipshit]

In the moment

I notice I self sabotage as soon as someone notices how good I’m doing, when I get praise. It’s like my head thinks ‘Oooo yo some trust, let’s see how much I can get away with’ and I follow suit because it’s comfortable and what I always do. I’m not sure where this stems from…. And to push through that is difficult and I get irritable, frustrated and snappy. I’m trying to work through this, and I really really want to, it’s just the emotions scare me and continue to get worse until I leave the situation. I don’t think I’ve ever just ridden it out, I’ve always escaped. But I’ll get through it, if I just keep focused on my goals, writing and well being. Well I can’t be well I don’t step up, I’ll die, maybe, I’ll end up in the hospital and I would be suicidal. Maybe I’ll be the writer I’ve always been in my head, either way I’m still a writer. I guess I should still choose the path that teaches me discipline and determination and all that shit coz If I choose the other pathway I’ll never change.

I feel like I’m going insane man. There is so much information I get, but hardly and structure or organising, maybe that’s a sign I shouldn’t have that much things juggling up there at once. I see and am so aware of all of this, but it taking all of my effort and energy. My sister said maybe I’m trying too hard. Maybe I should prioritise where my energy goes. Since I’m doing relatively fine with my mental health, I can stop making that my #1 priority and shift work up there. I just have to stick it out and ride the waves because my #1 priority is work. And the holiday I get at the end of the year.

Why is this moment not enough?

When I’m happy, there’s not a care in the world, not 1 single doubt about myself, any obstacle I face becomes easily regulated and controlled effortlessly, I have the means to fix anything, I have energy and it makes my life so much easier because I’m not connected to my thoughts in an unhealthy way. Yanno that episode on bojack horseman where he’s in his mothers childhood home and would get drunk and have flashbacks of what happened back in her day? And bojack is an absolute MESS because of his thoughts. Idk if that makes sense but it does to me, that’s how I feel.

Sick of explaining myself, yall sick of me expunging? Coz shit. I’m really over this shit like I need to make a change 555 is everywhere, here there Fuck ya okay well SHIT. there’s no more side quests if I want to continue moving forward I have to get past the boss. That’s pushing by through, who knows how long or short this will be, it’s a must. It could be really short, just do it, I feel like I’m dying stop being scared and just do it.

Work is number one. Get that fucking bag.

I’m extremely obsessive, so literally WHY NOT use that obsession and put it into the job that pays me. If I can do it with a Person I can do it with a job. Motherfucking watch me. Ok ok I like to see some enthusiasm I’m very grateful let’s meditate on this feeling 🧘🏻‍♀️

I don’t think I’m capable of letting anyone new in. So I keep my friendships and naturally they fall off or we grow apart, I only have my bestfriend who’s always there. That’s all I need, and how incredible grateful I am for that.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i really wonder what the context was of my last post. cause if it was about the girl who had a crush on me thats unfortunate. but if its someone else im gagged. im such a baddie. idk. idk. i think recently ive been in such a defensive state. like im waiting for something bad to happen at the hands of another person, and im expecting the absolute worst from them. i want to see the best but i also dont want to get hurt. i dont know where this stemmed from. i guess my people pleasing has gotten out of hand, because it hasnt been succeeding. 

my job is kind lowering my vibration beyond repair. i weirdly enjoy it though? i dont know. i must be too in my masculine. and of course, completely disconnected from my spirit and higher self. i cant bring myself to talk to my sister cause i know we will only trigger eachother. 

so here i am. sitting in the silence. tired of it all. 

i cant even bring myself to physically write in my journal. and working out isnt as meditative as it used to be. though im so glad i can still get my ass up and do it. its not as fun and exciting. i kinda feel guilty for sexualising myself and loving my own body. literally, yesterday i was trying to force myself to be comfortable with my skin out, that i ruined my opportunity for a relaxing walk. the entire time i was self conscious and felt like the entire world was watching me. completely uncomfortable. 

my anxiety is in a rough period at the moment. i dont even smoke weed anymore. that used to be such a spiritual practice for me and now im afraid of it. im kinda afraid of everything. especially people. 

its weird, because i seem like i love people. i tell myself im good because i am so social at work, and i perform well and i connect with customers. but in reality, i cant hold onto any kind of relationship. if i do it has to be superficial or im uncomfortable. 

i think if i shifted my focus to the good things about the relationships i do have, and the things that make me happy and comfortable and at peace, these issues im creating wont seem so huge anymore. its always like that. i should talk to my psych about all of this. i need to see her... i cant believe its been so long. like, my fucking dogs died. they both fucking died. 

they contributed to my focus on isolation at the moment. i suddenly had the ground pulled from beneath me. they were my stability and my safety. now i feel so alone, at my core, that its all i can think about. its made me realise how short life is and how quickly things can change and slowly everyone is slipping away... when i pushed them out. i forced them to leave. theyre barely even leaving when we were nothing to begin with. 

i get the feeling ive said all of this a million times before. it never really changes. 

i feel like im a really driven and motivated person. i am smart and self controlled, and responsible, and im good at the things i try my best at. im gifted. but at the same time, i cant change the things about me that cause me the most stress and worry. i am stuck. i have been stuck, for so, so long. im tired of it. im so TIRED. 

this loneliness is comforting. its healing in a way, cause i can avoid all the drama and stress of attempting to tell anyone how i am feeling. but that in itself is so fucking pathetic and toxic and weak. its like, i failed at the most fundamental human thing. communicating. connecting with others. creating a community. 

maybe one day someone will piss e off enough that i blow up on everyone. why does the idea of that bring me so much relief? 

i cant even bother myself to consider spiritual practice right now. oh im stuck in the past and its holding me back from opportunities and the blessings from the universe? bitch, im trying to fight depression! who gives a fuck about opportunities right now?! i have nothing to fucking live for besides europe. thats so pathetic. i need to get my head right again because this is such a huge mess. im under so much pressure. i have no time. time, time, time, time. 

i need to be more social, i need to be more this and that. its a fucking exhausting thing to be in my mind right now. where did all the love go? it literally died with them. grief is consuming me. i cant pause life but its consuming me and im trying to pretend to be happy but im also trying to find the happiness again but its gone. they took it with them into the afterlife. or just into the fucking ground. 

it poured so heavily today and my heart hurt with the anxiety i felt that you were cold and alone out there. that you were getting wet and without cover. why does it keep on raining? youll be so cold. i remember you laid in the rain the night before you died because you could barely move or notice it was happening. my poor babies. i miss you so much. 

this is why ive been avoiding planning my birthday like a fucking plague, like a fucking disease. how can i even think about celebrating my life when yours have ended? to even celebrate without you? its too painful. i cant pretend like this anymore. but of course ill keep on acting like im fine. its the only way. i fucking hate this world. 

[lpfreakification]

Today was a long, good day 😊

To keep it nice + simple, i

Worked out at 8:45

Had a session with a nutritionist

Worked out again at 10

Had an hour to kill + chill

Did yoga + meditated in the afternoon 😮

Showered afterwards

Had a good hour + a half to myself eating, drawing, + chatting with friends ☺

Went to actual work

Slow day but I watched Decedents with one of my coworkers 😊

Got me Chipotle + chilled/chilling for the rest of the night

Top 3 best parts of the day, in no particular order, were the meditation session, the moment the item was delivered, + watching Descendants with my coworker X3

I definitely liked the meditation part of the yoga class. As the instructor played these instruments + a gong, I felt vibrations or ripples at certain parts of my body at certain times. With each soft ring of the gong, I felt my body sinking + sinking in the ground. Definitely one of the best meditation sessions I've ever had X)

After I got myself food from the cafe area, that's when I found out that the item has been delivered safely! I kept smiling + smiling as the item was slowly being unveiled >X3 I will admit I did overdo it on the taping + decorating. It's a way to use my stickers + fun tapes well. Lol, the receiver described it as being "glitterbombed" 🤣 I can be extra extra by putting confetti or glitter in a future package. Hmmm, maybe that would be too messy 🤔 I'll stick with the stickers 😂 It does remind me of how OceanInSpace uses a f***ton of stickers on her art sometimes. Guess its rubbing on me. More like, sticking onto me. Overall, he liked it 🤩

For the next one, I must learn to draw another friend's OC 1st. I already imagine some shocking green in the bg. Maybe like graffiti? I'm envisioning green based on the refs I've been exposed to. Itll be another great excuse to play with shiny metallic watercolors + send another item to another friend. Thatll be exciting! 🤩

I was/am sore after all the physical activity I've done all day. Sore legs. Sore arms. Sore throat. Thankfully it was slow at work. I was so into watching Descendants. It was one of those things I wished I got into when it came out but never got the chance to watch it. Took me a couple tries to see whose kid was who. Goes to show (no pun intended) that I cant watch alone + need someone alongside to watch with. I liked Ursula's granddaughter, Uma's nickname, Shrimpy 🤣 then the rush occurred + had to be vigilant.

Rn, my throat + legs hurt the most. Idk why my throat but I hope to just sleep it off. I'll take something less intense tomorrow + hope to sleep in on Wednesday morning. Again, I plan to workout on Monday, Tuesday, + Thursday morning.

...

Imma go to sleep now 😴

Nite y'all!

[galaxy-of-hair]

meditations on nandor's love affair with humanity:

this is a long, long, self indulgent one

i wish i knew more about the way nandor was turned. i doubt it was anything like laszlo's experience, or even nadja's (who hasn't said much on the subject either, other than to wax poetic about the affair she enjoyed with her sire sometime afterward).

i imagine it was just another awful rise to power that left him more alienated and alone than before, just as all his other rises to power had. i imagine it was terrible and frightening and painful and confusing. i don't imagine his sire stuck around, or if they did, they weren't pleasant company, because he's never mentioned them, and he's got a tendency to gloss over and glamorize things that are painful, or unpleasant for him, or embarrassing in hindsight.

there was a post a while back from @walkwithursus that started up something on the back burner of my brain that’s really starting to percolate now. here’s an excerpt:

Nadja tells the camera “I had completely forgotten that when a human takes a mate, the mate keeps growing and changing and aging.” This got me thinking. I wonder if Nandor ever feels that way about Guillermo. The Guillermo he met eleven years ago is most certainly not the same one he knows today. (via @walkwithursus) 

and like, wow, listen. i think this is a phenomenal point. but where op and i differ is that i think he loves that about humans. i think he craves that about humans. i think he envies that about humans.

nandor doesn’t seem to have vampire friends other than his roommates, but he does seem to hang out with and get attached to humans an awful lot (for a vampire). even asks some of them to marry him. the other vampires say he was a great man in life, but as a vampire he’s...just ok. like he never really managed to find his groove after the turn, never really took to being undead. he joined a cult where VAMPIRES pretended to be HUMAN for fuck’s sake.

when folks ask him to turn them, he gets mad and weird about it.

the charitable opinion as to why nandor didn’t want to turn guillermo was because of his weapons grade abandonment issues (relatable) and his belief that their relationship is transactional. he was scared that guillermo would leave if he gave him what he wanted, and that’s why he wouldn’t turn him.

the less charitable opinion has been along the lines of: he’s lazy and selfish and is just using these humans for their labor, so he tells them what they want to hear to keep them working but never intended to turn them in the first place.

i always felt it was a complicated mix of these things. now i’m not so sure.

the way i write meta and the reason i write meta is primarily for myself. i’ve always done this, but usually i just save it to a google doc and go on about my business. when i watch media, if it’s well written enough and complex enough, i don’t get it right away, especially if the actors are making interesting choices. i understand most of it, but some things stick in my brain like burs.

and i think, why did that happen like that? why did they say it that way? that piece doesn’t fit with what i think i know about this story and these characters. that must mean i’m missing something. and if i take note of it and keep coming back to it, i’ll eventually see how it fits. so i write meta to pick the burs out.

the idea i’m nailing down today might seem kind of ‘duh’ to yall, idk, i never can tell when i’m stating the obvious (i’m autistic so even the obvious isn’t always obvious to me), but it’s important to me because it’s gonna address several burs that have been chafing for a while, in one fell swoop.

two such burs occur in the same episode: s02e08 Collaboration. i was vexed particularly and specifically by The Breakup Scene, and The Benji Situation.

The Breakup Scene is especially devastating for me. we are blessed with kayvan novak, who, while staying totally in-character, chose to play that scene completely straight. it is a heart wrenching performance. i have a hard time watching it. [you-can-actually-pinpoint-the-second-his-heart-rips-in-half.jpg]

i worked through some stuff by writing about and diving into nandor’s thought process during that conversation, because i got stuck on his 'you should take the offer’ reaction, and afterward for the most part i thought i had it figured out. then i re-watched it and i got stuck again! this time on his reaction to guillermo asking to be turned.

he gets angry. so i watch it again, looking for nuance. he’s definitely angry, but like, a righteous anger? like he thinks his incredulity is justified? he fully pauses and stares for a beat, and it’s one of the few times we see nandor drop his mask of silliness. he becomes gravely serious and acts like he’s been betrayed. it’s one of (at least) three scenes in Collaboration where kayvan is Doing An Acting Thing™ that (i think?) is meant to be noticed, and i notice it but i don’t get it, and i once again i emerge from that scene riddled with burs, because what does he have to be angry about? why is he so personally affronted by the idea of turning guillermo when he’s the one who promised to do so in the first place? why does the idea of keeping that promise bother him enough to try and avoid talking about it all together?

The Benji Situation. what the fuck was going on with the benji situation? this one really bothered me because it did not seem to fit any established logic for nandor to turn this man in the end. after all that? he wiped his memory and dumped him in a rest stop because he kept annoying him about being turned? and then he just turned him anyway?

i even googled ‘why nandor turn benji reddit’ in a fit of pique. the best answer i could find was the same thing i had originally hypothesized while grasping at straws: he wanted guillermo back and wanted benji gone, so he just gave benji what he wanted, and lied to guillermo about it so that he wouldn’t get mad at nandor for turning someone who wasn’t him. which i hated as an explanation. if nandor was willing to turn people to get them to go away and stop pestering him, why not just turn benji when he asked before? why the added cruelty of wiping his mind and ditching him?  

and that’s the key i think. a lot of this stuff bothered me because i assumed that these were shitty, careless, needlessly cruel things that nandor was doing, for seemingly very trivial reasons. that’s the way they are framed in the documentary made by humans, for humans, and that’s the way they are framed by nandor. he (always) wants you to assume the worst about his motivations. he’s got a reputation to protect i guess.

when benji says, ‘don’t feel bad for me,’ and nandor says, ‘i don’t,’ with a pained grimace, i assumed he meant that he doesn’t give a shit about benji and that after he dumped him he never spared him a second thought. i think what he really meant was,

‘there’s nothing to pity you for. you lived a full life, you found love, you got to raise your kids, and meet your grandkids, you got to grow and learn and change, you played golf, you walked in the sun. you lived. i don’t feel bad about any of it. i envy you.’

when guillermo walks away, tears rolling down his cheeks, and nandor mutters, ‘you’re being stupid,’ i assumed that because he was hurt that guillermo was leaving, he was throwing a tantrum, implying that he would regret turning his back on such a sweet deal in favor of someone else who surely wouldn’t treat him as well. i didn’t know if he was being manipulative or delusional or what. but now i think what he really meant was,

‘you’re throwing your whole life away. you’re in such a hurry to lose so much. once it’s gone, you can never get it back. can’t you see i’m trying to save you from yourself? like i did with benji? can’t you see i’m trying to spare you an eternity of regret? you’re being reckless. you’re being ungrateful for the Life you can still have. you don’t have anything else you want to become before you’re stuck like this forever? you’re being stupid.’ 

when guillermo asks, ‘when are you gonna turn me,’ and nandor stares, betrayed, incredulous, and barks, ‘are you shitting me with this right now?’ and runs away to the other side of the room, i assumed he was frustrated that he was being held to his promises because, at best, he didn’t want to lose guillermo, and at worst, it was inconvenient and annoying. i assumed that he never actually intended to turn either benji or guillermo, due to some kind of bizarre classist notion that servants are servants and cannot pass into the realm of their masters. when really i think he meant,

‘why would you ask me to do that to you? how could you ask me to do that to you, even after learning of benji? even after hearing about the Life he got to have? why is everyone in such a rush to die? and why are you all putting it on my shoulders? why do you think i want your blood on my hands?! why should it be my responsibility?’

another bur that bothered me was that i never knew whether i should take nandor’s speech about vampirism being a curse at face value. because he was depressed, yes, but also because it didn’t seem to fit with what he’d done and said in the past. so i made a note of it and tried to figure out what i was missing.

and that’s where the post i quoted earlier comes in, because it got me thinking about some of the practical differences between vampires and humans...from a vampire’s point of view. it got me thinking about how nandor feels about humans and humanity. and like. he talks a lot of shit. he’s always putting down humans, and talking about how great vampires are.

maybe he does that because he has a tendency to gloss over and glamorize things that are painful, and if he says out loud often enough that being a human isn’t desirable and that being a vampire is awesome, maybe he’ll start to believe it himself. maybe he’ll be able to pretend it’s true, just for a few hours at a time.

and maybe for those few hours it’ll hurt less: that his kids shrieked in fear at the sight of him, that he lives in the dark, that he eats people, that he forgets things, that he’ll never grow old with someone he loves, that he’ll never grow at all. that he’s stuck like this, exactly like this-- forever. that some terrible creature saw him and all his evil deeds and said, this one, this one needs to be punished, and then pinned him in place like a butterfly on a board, doomed to watch all of time march on without him. a part, yet still apart. just human enough to remember what it was like. just human enough that he’ll always know what he’s missing.       

(this is a post from @give-me-a-minute-to-think that made my whole fucking heart explode and captures vampiric existential dread in a very visceral way, good luck)

so when he gets close to a human, it’s a little scary, but it’s a little exciting too. there’s a thrill of uncertainty in the potential to undergo change. sometimes the change is big, sudden. but usually it’s many small changes, all the time. if you’ve ever watched mushrooms in time-lapse, i imagine it’s like that. constant motion, pulsating with life and possibility and purpose.

and then these people that he’s watched grow and change and become, they come to him and say, will you please put an end to all that? will you snuff me out? will you pin me in place where i stand? will you do to me what was done to you? will you make sure this is the last time i ever change?

and benji? benji was at the end of his mortal life. he was going to die soon, so turning benji was just giving him an extension on the very full life he’d already led, more time to enjoy what he’d built.

and gail? she was older too, she had a daughter, she’d had a life. but mostly, nandor turned her because she pulled a humpty-dumpty and got her head cracked open like an egg during a game of twilight kickball. again, an extension on a life that was about to end.

and guillermo. i think the thing that changed nandor’s mind about guillermo was finding out that he’s a slayer by birth. he realized that guillermo was never gonna be like benji or gail. there was never going to be any life for him outside the world of vampires, because he was never an outsider. nandor’s world is his world. he was always going to end up here, it’s in his blood, it’s in his heart. it’s where he belongs.

and if he’s destined to live in the darkness anyway, then nandor should be the one to do the honors. if it must be done, if someone has to pin guillermo in place for all time, it should be the one who cared enough to say no for twelve years who finally gets to say yes.      

tl;dr - nandor was never more honest with guillermo than when he told him that vampirism is a curse, and he didn’t want to do that to him. because he thinks humanity is neat.