#idk why i never made the connection that it was able+ism

[deception-united]

what's a word you always mentally pronounced a certain way until one day you heard it said out loud and felt the earth shift beneath your feet

[buildarocketboys]

Been having lots of thinky thoughts about autism while reading I Overcame My Autism and All I Got Was This Lousy Anxiety Disorder by Sarah Kurchak. Mostly about having self doubt about my autism bc my childhood wasn't an unmitigated disaster or unending catastrophe and I actually had friends, but I think I've figured out why that is (and why I'm struggling so much more now than I ever did as a kid).

It comes down to several things. So in primary school, I sort of considered myself to be friends with everybody (and kinda was I guess? I don't think many people actively disliked me anyway, or if they did it wasn't obvious enough for me to pick up on). My "best friend" for the later years of primary school was a very classic 'socially ept girl takes socially awkward autistic under their wing' situation but she was also very much...manipulative and would only let us do/play what *she* wanted, even when I really really didn't want to, but I was usually too scared to be really forceful about it in case I lost her/she got mad at me. I now definitely consider this a toxic (possibly abusive, if that's even possible when you're 8-11?) friendship. There's other stuff in my primary school years that definitely rings very autistic but looking back (even a few years later) I really didn't have any meaningful friendships, at least compared to those I had in high school (how much that's an autistic thing and how much it's just...normal social development as a child idk)

But in high school...

I think it helped that it was pretty 'in' and the time to be a complete weirdo and play that up. The time of 'lol random xD' etc was definitely something I used to my advantage as an autistic. I played up my weirdness (probably still counted as masking in a way - socially acceptable - in our weird little group - weirdness - was easier to perform than trying to pass as normal ig).

I also found friends who were, you know, Like This and so accepted me being like this as well (and weren't Assholes like my primary school bff). I was never popular by any means, but I had my weird little group.

Additionally, I was Very Unaware of how my behaviour (specifically the things I said) could be taken as rude or mean or inappropriate. It's very possible I put people off with some of the things I said or did (politically my beliefs were...bad but it wasn't just that). I definitely had a superiority complex and made friends by using friendly banter and it usually worked. Being unaware of how I could come off also made me Able to use this as a technique for making friends instead of being an anxious mess and not knowing what I'm allowed to say or do (which is how I feel now).

Once I got to 18 (and joined tumblr lol, which wasn't the only thing that contributed to me realising that some of the things I believed - mostly bc I was repeating stuff my parents thought - and said and did were harmful, but it was a big part of it). Learning about why certain stuff was harmful and could hurt people in a very real way (rather than the way it's occasionally spoon-fed to you in school where it just comes across as vaguely patronising, obviously not something YOU'D ever do, and not even applicable in most cases when the majority of people you knew were white and presumably cis and straight), was a good thing, obviously, and I believe it's made me a better person overall. But unfortunately it's come at the cost of being an anxious mess when it comes to interacting with people, unable to do it naturally (because I don't know exactly what I can say to them bc what's a casual joke/banter to one person you know well enough or who gets you can be an inexplicably offensive/hurtful/inappropriate comment to someone who doesn't*) and trying to mask and say only appropriate things. And this often fails either because a. I mess up my words bc I'm trying to so hard to focus on not offending someone or b. I never forge a genuine connection with them because I'm forced into meaningless small talk and unable to get to the real friendship I could potentially have if I could just figure out how to be myself with them in a way that's not going to lead to them being offended or rejecting me (or just being put off and distancing themselves from me).

So basically, tldr, I honestly don't think I masked all that much as a kid? Like, I'm sure I must have done some (like with body language and tone) but in terms of conversation/making friends I was mostly just my weird self, at least in high school. And then I figured out that because I didn't understand what was inappropriate/offensive, I possibly (sometimes definitely) hurt people being myself, so I developed anxiety and an inability to just be myself, leading to me finding it nearly impossible to make meaningful connections with anyone irl for the past few years.

*by this I don't mean like. Saying something Actually Racist (for example) to someone and them being OK with it vs them being offended by it. I mean more like...smaller social things, or making fun of my own identity, or pointing out something about someone but not in a mean way. Not trying to claim that I've never been racist or any other ism (I definitely have, I regret to say) but just wanted to clarify lest I come across as 'oh woe is me poor white person who can't say offensive shit anymore!')

[kittycataes]

04/25/21

And so the growing pains continue. Now in the form of: this living situation has grown so toxic, we had a blowout. And here I go, playing Switzerland as I always do in these situations.

There's lots to be said on the topic of my SIL's form of parenting- particularly in the sense that she hates the idea of straying from her "motherly" instincts. *Sidenote: which I find hilarious as someone who literally grewup watching their own mother takes classes from professionals since they were a child, and she still struggled making a connection with them.* However, all of my SIL's feelings and truths are extremely valid. I don't live in this house, so I cannot say for fact, but if she felt that there was some sort of prejudice against her- I don't doubt her for a fucking second.

I know my parents can be toxic in their own ways. Their internalized biases, the r-ism, the a-ism, the s-isms... and I do believe in a way some of my internalized guilt stems from the knowledge that I am not judged as harshly as everyone else in this house. Granted, I made myself that way to benefit my own existence. And now, I choose to use any advantages in life to just do my own thing- separate from the watchful eye of my parents. I also choose to still share and care for them because I know that their love for me is true, even if it's conditional towards others. Maybe that's selfish- but they're my parents and I get to choose how I would like to deal with them.

But similarly, I respect my SIL's decision to want to move out of her in-laws house. I think that's what everyone wants at this point- and I just hope that means it allows for a deeper emotional connection, as the stress of day to day life is forgotten. And instead, we focus on enjoying each other's company in the limited time we have together. both schedule/logistically, and also universally (as in- we could all die at literally any moment). That's what I would like to see. Quality over quantity.

Also- I find it very encouraging that all of our goals still align: for the family to still be in each other's lives, for the boys to grow up in a happy and healthy environment, and for both my brother and my SIL to be happy and healthy- neither of which they were able to acheive here.

Whether or not they "over-stayed" their welcome- IDK. And tbh? I personally don't really care about the reasons why this blow up happened. (And the reason I don't care is because shits fuckin convoluted af, and re-hashing all those issues ain't gonna solve anything.) What I care about, is what happens next.

I don't want anyone that I consider part of my family to be excluded or isolated AND I ESPECIALLY DO NOT WANT THEM TO FEEL STRESSED OUT AND EXHAUSTED ALL THE FUCKIN TIME!! All of which everyone in this household is feeling right now! I am literally protected from this bs by having physically removed myself from the situation lmao. Not only am I protected, but it's kind of a psychological boundary I have set for myself. I have my space, my protected inner sanctum, a "Bat CaveTM" if you will. And sometimes it's here with my parents, but mostly it's wherever I choose it to be. And where I choose it to be, isn't always with my parents.

I am really hoping that come Tuesday or whenever my family reunites to finalize this convo- that we focus on moving forward in a way where everyone (except my delightfully naïve and slightly delusional brother) gets what they want.

More on my brother: Ironically- I was concerned that this blowout would separate my brother from me, just as we had started to become friends again. But instead, it weirdly brought us closer together. Because I'm always here to be a good listener. It's what I like to do. I love talking and shit, but listening is where the magic happens. You gotta inhale to exhale kinda bs. I

IDK. My brother and I smoked a cigarette outside 7/11 together, and I told him I only smoke weed. (True btw the last time i had a cigarette was when I was 18 and bought a pack as part of American tradition.) And it was nice- it was the hoodrat shit I had been missing from my life. But now it's the adult version where my brother has kids and instead of relationship issues- this is like a big family thing or whatever. IDK. I can never tell what's a big family thing and whats a normal family thing bc my family feels so small and insular- any shake-up feels like an earthquake. I'm really happy I have therapy in 10 days lmao. I'm gonna need it.