#idk why i didnt just pray to learn it easier....?

[violentdevotion]

when I was a kid and I wanted smth enough to pray for it I would make barters with God, like small stuff like "if I get this ill do the dishes everyday for a week" the big one I used a lot was id learn my native language, which in hindsight makes no sense cos why would God care if I can speak apni or not, but it was smth my parents were constantly making me feel bad about not being able to do. and I was never really taught how to pray for something so during Ramadan I had asked my mum and she said you just gotta ask and if it's good for you it'll come

[usertoxicyaoi]

I agree with all your mentions of those scenes. That's why personally when I see ppl online preparing to defend 2gether as the best ever GMM show with their lives I'm like: are you sure? Are you really? Like it was good but it was flawed especially with how they handled emotions. That's partly why I wanted a season 2. I wanted to see them grow into their relationship and Tine becoming more confident and Wat learning to listen and just ughhhhhh

hiii anon!!! mmm yeah. apart from the last 2 eps, it was a solid show. and like all shows, therell be stuff done right and stuff done wrong. theres bits though, where 2gether fucked up real bad, the biggest and most obvious thing being how it treated the girls on the show, but 2gether also got a lot of things right, the biggest one being how beautifully and positively it portrayed sexuality. i think its .... being critical and being spiteful are 2 different things. saying the show queerbaited you is just absolute nonsense. and with how it handled emotion, i feel it didnt under the guise of it being a "rom com", a light hearted feel good show. but towards the second half of the show, you cant help but notice just how serious the tone of the show gets. both tine and wat, as individuals, are shown as people who have flaws and insecurities.

and its a lot easier to point out tine's, bc its his pov. its a little harder with wat, but theyre there. and the fact is, wat as a character is so pedestalled by the show, which is entirely tine's pov, that pointing out his flaws and insecurities Feels Wrong. but ... if tine's can be pointed out and we dont feel wrong in doing so, then we shouldnt with wat either.

and tines no saint. tines pulled some Dick Moves on the show aswell (wanting to drug green with sleeping pills?? coercing wat into fake dating him by locking him up?? leaving a girl hanging when he was elsewhere???), and yeah as much as i love him and for all i go around blasting it, i will put him on blast too. he gets no special treatment.

but yeah. they could have reaaally really explored so much with wat and tine in terms of their insecurities. but they didnt do that. and so what u get left with is that one year later scene. and its. that was ... Not It. it showed nothing in terms of progression. it felt like a downgrade from ep 11.

so idk what still2gether will bring, but im Praying we get to see growth. tine being more confident in himself and secure in his r/l, and wat being a bit more empathetic and ya know. just. communication between them.

[pokefanbri]

If I move on, even if we're not together anymore...it just feels like a betrayal & i dont know if I can bring myself to do it, Idk if I can! 😭 I was left like an unexpecting pet or even pokemon lol wondering where its owner went after it was abandoned without knowing why...i know that sounds silly...but it makes me wonder if I was left hanging in such a way with no closure...am i like left on a back burner or some shit. Its ridiculous I know, i shouldn't wait for a return when there's none deserved...but in my eyes, we both must work on ourselves including with self love & evaluating our faults etc, b4 jumping into something serious...like jumping the gun b4 we're ready..& I know he knows that too. He doesn't realize how awesome of a person he really is, fuck the bruised ego or what have u after everything, he doesn't like showing weakness i know him well...thats also a guy thing 😅 it doesn't make him less of the great person ive known for months.

But i don't know what to do, im at a loss, id be giving my heart to someone else when it was wide open for him if he wanted it...and the more I learn & understand by putting myself in his shoes, somehow my love grew even more so after the fact....which makes it even more of an agonizing pain. I don't need his validation, I would just like to speak 😔 It may or may not be painful for him to, but it is for me to not.

The whole relationship, all the events, everything karma,God or even Satan ffs is giving us thereafter....its all piling up without release. Right now at this moment as im sobbing again, id do anything for a proper chance to be redeemed in some way & maybe truly experience the relationship the way its meant to be 😭 but I know deep down its probably not likely even if granted we were brought together for a reason like fate for self growth for example. All I know is that I'd rather hear it from him, that everything is gonna be okay, & that he prays for me just as much as i do for him 😭😭😭 I don't care about the era of our relationship, I can move past the downs without forgetting the great positives.. id put that shit aside if it means i can just get my best friend back 😭 cuz losing both at the same time is whats killing me rn, i can't handle this shit, I just dont want to think about this anymore...it just hurts too much. I hope with time, things change & we're cool again if that would ever be a possibility.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, im so confused & scared its harder to trust with everything out to get me..this was not supposed to be how my life turned out..Im a hot broken mess. I ask myself everyday why, why did it have to be like this after all the good, what was it worth...was it worth losing someone in a blink of an eye to avoid dealing with it rather than confront & becoming better for eachother, was it worth sacrificing it all including our well being!? And why, why was i unwanted for a whole half a year!!!!! No, if anything especially MY time & energy was wasted, I did everything right, I damn well know what it takes to be in a relationship I thrive on long term...he made his choices & it ended up costing us both. If I knew the end result would ruin me in certain areas, I would've risked it to have gone in the 1st place...😔 Who chooses to close themselves off even more, not want to fix whats broken for greater things within, & instead runs away from it 😭 Who guards themselves from vulnerability so much so, as if they've locked themselves up from any1...makes me think who tf fucked his heart up in his past where he thinks he can't be close? Am I crazy or in the ball park I have no idea, me trailing off to theories is exactly why im confused, my mind is literally working overtime to figure it all out & i can't stop it...actually gives me a headache. Im not sure ill ever get my answers 😔 I just know Its harder to move on without knowing how I ended up here. A small part of me thinks its a cruel joke just to put us in a position to get our shit together on our own merits & everything would be fine between us again..but at what cost. I just don't know anymore.

Though i grew fond of him & my heart grew 3 sizes bigger..over time his became less & left cold, but throughout...we were still homies til the bitter end, that ill always cherish.

You will never know how to truly love someone & be given the glory of that life, if you're unable to love yourself first. Nobody is perfect, but when u look at the one u love...they're perfect to you. When i looked at him, I thought he was the most amazing person...flaws & all I didnt care, I accepted him for who he was. Like "see that person right there..their face brings me joy & is why I get outta bed just to see it in the morning" All i wanted was for him to feel the same 😔

Theyll always have a piece of my heart, the bond connects even if by a thread, it will always be there. The pieces of the past are a puzzle to my heart & it searches within those pieces for what it needs.. it will be sewn or put back together eventually & may swell again, by who I do not know. Idk if ill ever feel that way again or find someone who'd measure up to that same level as I again. Only time will tell, all i can do is pray...for them & myself that we find peace, to forgive & forget so we rest a little easier to better face today's challenges as they come. I pray they're alright & send any strength they may need to fight whatever battles they face as well. Thats all i can do

[diaryofcain]

Just speaking whats going on in my head

Hi. So I know you post things for me to see sometimes, but idk if you check my profile, so idk if you’re going to see this. But idk, I had to type this out somewhere. Theres this girl, this beautiful girl, who I was with. And I loved every second i spent with her no matter what we did, as long as we did it together. She was my best friend. I wanted her by my side for everything. I wanted to do so much with her. But i tend to fuck things up when I have something great right in front of me. I lost her. I think about her every second of the day. I wonder what shes up to, how shes doing, how shes feeling. I miss her voice so much. I miss her face. Her face gave me so much joy. Her presence made my soul feel happy. Now without it, no matter how productive i am, no matteer how much i accomplish, yeah i get happy in the moment, but then i realize the young woman who i wanted beside me through it all isnt here. And i realize no matter how much i get done, itll never feel as good without her here, without her in my life. I fucked up, many times. I guess i didnt realize what i had in front of me until it was too late. I tend to learn things the hard way. I put her through A LOT of shit. Shit that i couldve avoided and prevented, out of respect for her. because she deserves that and so much more. She deserves the world, and i mean that with every atom in my body. I hate myself for not being a man for her. Because my heart aches every second of the day. I would do anything to be in her life. I know she doesnt need me, but based on how im feeling and the impact she has left me, I have no problem saying i need her in y life, although its completely understandable as to why she wouldnt want me in hers. Thats all on me. We saw a future together, a bright fun future, and I had to fuck it up. It really fucking kills me. So i can imagine how bad I hurt her...and im so sorry. I miss her so fucking much, i really dont think ive ever missed anyone this much. But then again ive never looked at anyone and saw them as my other half, someone i wanted to spend forever with. If i could tell my past self anything, it would be to man the fuck up, treat her like royalty, because shes a queen, shes a treasure. Unfortunately i cant go back in time, i cant undo anything ive done as much as i wish and pray i could. I cant take any of the hurt and pain ive caused her. I cant undo the mistakes ive made. But im giving it my all to become a better person. For me. For her. Even if she never wants me in her life, friend or more. But if she sees this, i would want her to know that i fele empty inside without her. Her smile lit up the room, especially her laugh. Her presence was unmatched, it always will be. Shes so special, and kind hearted, and caring, and even when someone hurts her, she still cares and checks up on them. She’s truly one of a kind. She made it easy to smile on my bad days. When im with her, hours feel like minutes, and when im not with her or we’re not talking, minutes feel like months. It kills me to know she doesnt look at me the same way anymore, how she once saw me, but who could blame her? She di nothing but love me and care for me, and i was just a dick, a selfish, srtubborn, arrogant piece of shit. Well I lost my diamond in the sand. Its truly a struggle to get through each day without her, I dont want to. But its either that or death. I want her to know that ill be thinking of her every day, praying for her, her family, and for her to just be happy. And that I know my actions in the past have definitely shown otherwise and she has no reason or cause to believe anything i say, but if its one thing i do mean, is that i love her, very very much and i really fucking hate doing this life thing without her in it. And if me not being in her life is what will make her happy or make life for her easier, idc how much pain or sadness it brings me. I’ve regretted a lot of things in my 23 years of life, but this has to be my biggest regret. Not treating her the way I shouldve, not the way i want to. Like the best thing in my life. But life is full of regrets. She said the only person that could push her away from me was me, and thats what i did. She just alwaysss has to be right. So im a real fucking moron for that. She may not want me in her life (which is understandable), she may not love me anymore or miss me (also understandable) and maybe she hates me (also also understandable), but she will always be my best friend, my favorite person, my emily...

[narahalara]

I havent done a long ass rant that nobody reads at all so instead of studying which i should indeed be doing because I only have 2 more weeks left of school im gonna write this lOL 

ok so i deactivated my instagram and removed twitter and tinder and privated/changed the names of some of my other accounts for certain reasons. One during church service today, it really hit me how we tend to just get sucked into this world of social media and trying to please others instead of pleasing God, and honestly lately I have been feeling like a prodigal child thats run away from home and needs to come back to him. I know its a battle to not fall back to depression and anxiety, but I need to continue to push and train myself everyday to not be a victim of my own master manipulation, I cant allow the desire to hurt myself override God’s desire to be loved and know my worth. 

In addition to this i know i have been crying a lot lately in terms of school and my lack of passion lately to do anything, but ive been slowly getting myself back. Ive gotten back to continue writing my book, and ive been playing guitar and singing again. This one i havent stopped, but i did miss my lat two workout session due to depression BUT i got back on again and lowkey just wanna tell myself good job for being so consistent this whole year with getting stronger and healthier like yesss ugh i love workout out its the one place where the pain is controlle by me and i mentally and physically can challenge myself without worrying about other things in my life. And i have grown so much in terms of loving my body and treating my physical health well. 

Next, is my family. I know it hasnt been easier with my mom, but I know I love her 5%. and thats enough. thats all it takes for me not to go crazy. I know she pisses me off and annoys me to the core and hurts my sisters and me a lot, and is the master manipulator, but in her 5 % of the time where i actually feel like i have a mother, all i can do is to give unconditional love the way God does and to continue praying for her and myself to just better. i know its been a hard 20 years but i know i have to be strong and the strength from God has really been my rock

ALSO WORSHIP TODAY WAS FREAKING FIRE LIKE YES I FELT JESUS TODAY VERY IMMENSELY.

Second to lastly I have been kind of lowkey feeling like a hypocrite these past months. I feel like I lost myself a bit and now I feel tired of pretending and want to jut come back. but at the same time i do not regret the things I needed to do because it kinda felt like a mistake that needed to be made just so i know for sure its a mistake and i learn from the experience (idk if that makes any sense but himym season 1 episode 22 i think makes a good explaination for this idea of a mistake needing to be made lol also yes i finally mustered the courage to startup watching this again)

LASTLY ( i think) aghhhhh ok this one is stupid but whatever im gonna write about it because its been heavy in my heart and i need to jut spit it out to realize how utterly dumb it is ok? ok. ahfjdshfjosdf so there was this guy i met via tinder and like you know i was just there for fun cause i honestly think a healthy 83% guys on there are douches but there was this one. i didnt even like him that way. like he was cute he was handsome he was nice all that. and i just wanted to have fun with him. But i think i effed up. there was one time he wanted me to come over and i kept saying no because i was at the gym and i had a long day the following day then he admitted he was just feeling lonely and you know stupid me allowing my hormonal emotional decided to like write this long paragraph i don’t even know what i wrote cause i deleted it from my messages out of embarassment cause he never replied backto it directly, but he would stills snapchat me like normal BUT he would stop asking me for favors and like idk i began to feel sad? like WHAT. why was i feeling sad? i couldnt understand. i figured maybe cause i thought i was losing access to “favors” like superficial sadness lol like i jut wanted to get in his pants and now he didnt want me physically cause i decided to say weird things or whatever. but like why was i feeling sad> like we dont even know each other that well, we aren’t close or anything. but i guess cause hes probably the most decent person i met via tinder lol. THEN i went through an A.S. crisis for nO REASON i couldnt understand. 

Then i realized why i went through the a.s. crisis. its so stupid

I realized I started like feeling... thInGS?? IDK like AGHH idk i dont know :( i dont think i like him? like how can i like someone i dont evnek now that well? that makes no sense? 

So was like nah no this is just me wanting to get in someone pants, im just physically wanting attention~ so i went to tinder to test my theory. i was swiping dramatically on everyone LOL then these past days i just realized regardless of whatever level of attractiveness i had received offers which is what couple months ago me would ENJOY. I caught myself only looking at my phone and feeling my stupid heart beat skip diastole cause his stupid name wasnt on my phone 

YES I KNOWWW THIS IS SO STUPID WHAT NARAH . oh gosh... I think there is a part of me that confesses, ok i know i don’t like him cause again, you cannot like someone you do not even know that well. 

But the facts that I get sad when i dont see his name on my phone or my heart jump when i do ee it or i smile when i see a photo of him or i start texting him stupid lame things cause i dont know how to talk indicates i am having weird stupid stupid emotions 

like omg narah whats wrong with you. 

i also felt sad at first cause i think i felt like this was really me letting a.s. go

then i felt mad for allowing myself to start feeling this way 

like i dont get this way with other guys i would just be unserious with on tinder

with others i feel like i know what to do, its so careless unfeeling

but with this guy its like I FEEL AND I DONT LIKE IT 

so maybe im just experiencing these feelings cause ever since i sent that stupid text he stopped giving me his superficial attention or asking for stuff and i just wanted him to use me cause maybe im lonely too 

aghhh i wasnt even lonely though i was FINE. 

so yeah i officially feel embarassed so i need to let this go and i needed to write this somewhere i know nobody could find this. and also if this was ever exposed to like him for example he’d think im crazy or creepy or weird and i already feel embarassed enough for even feeling this stupid cliché way hence ill just slowly drift and he wont noticed and itll all be good LOL also like if he actually starts getting serious with someone i think i will feel sad so im dodging this bullet before this really occurs cause like its bound to happen like bruh hes so cute he can have any girl he wants ya know >SAPDOjfeofeiwfj

i dont regret anything though. i feel like again, a mistake i needed to make, just so i know. like im good im fine im honsetly ok 

but i needed to acknowledge this mid life highly mudane crisis that doesnt even compare to the real stressors of life. 

honestly i think i did what i needed to do, and now im tired, i wanna just come back home to God and not do this anymore.

cause to be honest i am happy with being alone, and yeah the truth is i am kinda romantic, even though i was going through a random phase of just wanting temporary stuff. 

i know deep down i’m one of the most committed wholesome loving who just wants genuine love not superficiality. so yeah thats old fashion yes thats foolish yes i KNOW it looks dumb. but hey who cares, this is the real me, and i should accept who i am. 

so yeah, no regrets, i think in a sense i’m glad i went through this phase cause it taught me that indeed this is not really me. but just finally coming back to who i want to be and will continue to progress to be. 

[hernameiskameishi]

Here’s why I’m so fuckin damaged.

I’ve spent my entire life putting the things that I experience out of my mind because rather than going through it or talking about it, it was easier to forget it. As a kid, things used to happen to me. Bad things. I didn’t get an outlet, I didn’t get to talk about it. I didnt get to cry. I just put it out of my mind and forgot about it. I’m now 22 and everything that I went through growing up is beginning to haunt me. In my dreams, when I’m chill, day dreams, deja vu’s. It won’t stop. I grew up in the typical black household. Single mother and church was everything so rather than talk about things, my mother would say to pray about it before she even knew what the details were of what was going on. She didn’t take much time to really know me. By the time I was born, my siblings were old enough to watch me. My mother worked her ass off day in and day out so it didn’t really give us the space to truly bond. She always made sure we had what we needed and that we stayed focused on school and church and understood right and wrong…. The church version of right and wrong. I was different. I was one of those kids that loved to learn new things and wanted to try everything and master everything and be apart of everything. Being that way with a busy mother like mine made it hard for us to spend time as well because we were both always busy. I was very independent growing up and feel that I had to grow up pretty quickly. With that came the point in my life where I would kinda act out. I was tween, I had an attitude problem.Typical. I was honestly just misunderstood but rather than trying to figure out why I was the way I was, my mom would yell at me then she’d tell my brother (father figure- also wrong but we’ll talk about that later) and then he would yell at me and there were days when they would all just yell at me for hours and I couldn’t do or say anything and I would just find a room or bathroom and just cry silently while they would sit and talk about me. The thing about my mom was that she thought everything was disrespectful. Damned if I do respond, damned if I don’t. And I would fall asleep and wake up the next day and act like nothing ever happened. Growing up I became distant from my family. I just never felt in. Like the black sheep but instead, I was the one that always excelled. Yes. Of course the “support” is always there when I’m doing great but when I go through things, which happens a lot. I’m alone. But I never resented my family. I always just brush it off and act like nothing ever happened. Because they’re all I have.

When I was a little girl. My cousin used to touch me. And do things to me that were inappropriate for someone my age to experience at that age. I was between the ages of 6 and 8 or 9.I didn’t understand and I didn’t know why. I just put it out of my mind. And as I got older, I feared boys, I feared kissing, I feared being touched, I was insecure. And I forgot why. I forgot why I was the way that I was because I forced myself to forget the things that happened to me when I was a child. No one in my family knows. I never talked about it. When I go through things I get busy. I do stuff. Learn new things. Put my mind in places where I just don’t have the time to sit and think about my pain. My older brother made a joke once that he assumed I was gay because I never brought guys around. I never brought female friends around either. I grew up with anxiety and paranoia and depression and my family didn’t care to care or understand.

When I was 15 I dated this boy, He took my virginity, He was my first love. He hurt me in ways that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. But I forgave him. I even apologized to him for the things that he did to hurt me. I dealt with him for about 6 years on and off. I found myself forgetting things that he did because there was never empathy for me. There was never understanding my perspective. It was always, out of sight out of mind, get over it and move forward because they’re all you have.

When I was 21 I was raped. But I blamed myself It honestly took me a long time to even acknowledge it as rape because I was so used to never recieving empathy and understanding or even space to feel vulnerable. I blamed myself and then I just erased it from my mind. I eventually talked about it with my mom but the conversation was so short that I can’t remember her response. I just know that I felt alone. I always feel alone. I got really sick at the end of 2015. Almost died Once I recovered and got out of the hospital I was homeless. My mom did what she could in the moment to an extent but I just was never as important to anyone in my family as their own issues. I became homeless because my sister felt that her getting help that was gonna be there either way was more important than waiting for me to recover. My relationship with my brothers has always been pretty vague. I’ve always felt like my oldest brother kind of resented me for whatever reason and then my other brother did his best to help me but as far as getting around and shit but emotionally…. Nah.

My family has this really bad habit of trying to one up your problems rather than just be there for you. And then there’s the typical, “Just pray about it”. There were so many times when I just wanted my mom to be there and all she would say is “I don’t kow what to tell you.” or “Just pray about it.” Outside of being in worship, my mom saw me cry maybe twice as a young adult or teen. I’m fucked up. It’s hard always feeling alone. Feeling stuck and misunderstood and helpless simply because no one tried to be there. And I don’t hate my family for it. I don’t blame my mom or family for it. We never talk. We never sit down and try and understand what’s going wrong. We put it outside of our minds and “move forward”. But in reality we haven’t gotten anywhere. I feel like my mother is the same way that I am. She has been through so much and there are things that we’ve talked about that I know go so much deeper and cut deep and I just want to understand hoping that maybe she’ll take that same interest in understanding me.

I recently got my heart broken for the 2nd time this year and I told her about it and her response was a text about her shitty day and telling me to just pray about it. I’m tired of that. I just want her to ask me just once, “What happened.” or “How does this make you feel”

But instead, I am once again in a space where I have to put it out of my mind and pretend to move forward. I’m exhausted. I just want someone to atleast try to understand and be there. So many girls get to be bestfriends with their mothers and their siblings and no matter how much I say it, I just have never had that experience,

Idk. I felt like I needed to write it out because if I didn’t, I would lose my mind or become depressed again.

Parents, talk to your kids.

[celestialallstars]

Episode #6: “Can i PLEASE get a blindside.” - Jared

ok so basically the game has been sooo quiet and ive like.  felt dead. idk. i had a breakdown last night bc of it and i cried on my couch (KNOW THERE WAS A LOT MORE THAN THIS LKSDJGKLDSGLS I WOULDNT CRY PURELY BC OF THAT) but yaaa and now im better but like the entire day i was throwing up in class (or like feeling anxious im exaggerating sorry) about going home.

i didnt want mo out but with that being said i didnt want anyone out?? after i mentioned to him that stephen/mo were targeting each other, rhys came to me with the idea that like him jared chloe and i should make a chat, and i was down for that bc it would secure my positioning and like ALSGKSDG who'd flip on an alliance THIS early.. right?? right..

chloe was really not talkative with me. stephen/jared were active so i appreciate that immensely. im just thrown off. i dont really know who i can or cant trust.

OK ALSO SIDE NOTE CHRIS SENT ME [IM NOT EXAGGERATING] 55+ MSGS SPILLING TEA ABOUT HOW THE TUATHA HAD AN OG ALLIANCE WITH EVERYONE BUT MITCH + MAYNOR - which i knew about but LASKGLDKS AHHHH. and he leaked that stephen wanted kori/bryce targeted and i leaked that to bryce to further stephens target. IM JUST SO MESSY LOL

also i kind of predicted a swap likeee omfg. and i dont know how i feel. i kind of felt safe on my tribe??? but like.. oh no. anyway, my tribe isnt super dominant in challenges or anything (compared 2 the other tribe who has bryce/stephen/drew), but i think we can win a lipsync since we have a woman, gay men, and a metrosexual male who has an outgoing personality (and i mean that in the nicest way obviously). IDK I HOPE WE WIN BC THAT TRIBAL WAS HORRIFIC AND I LOVE MO SO MUCH AND AHH.

ill probs give a video soon in more depth with what chris said. yalls deserve it.. oops period.

I HOPE YALL CAN FORGIVE ME. im eating hotdog. bye bye love u all.

Wow I like the whole tribe! Alyssa is probably my front runner of talking and honestly she's great! I am in her spell ahhhh but hey JARED is here too woo! I think at least with Mitch and Zach too I'll be safe but I'll see! This challenge could either go really well or really badly for us but I'm excited to do anything creativity!!

I absolutly love my tribe at the moment, i'm getting along well with alot of them except Kori who i haven't spoken to much at all but im confident in our abilities to win! Jared is talking a little bit about wanting the game to pick up a little bit and i agree to some extent however blindsiding someone just for the sake of a blindside isn't smart gameplay so im just gonna lay low nd continue making those strong bonds here there and everywhere to hopfully come out on top should we end up at tribal

Can i PLEASE get a blindside

________________________________________________________________

hi it's 6 am but rhys fucking filmed vertically so if we lose he automatically has my vote

I feel good but also scared. I dont think I'll do as good of a job as I hope, but it also is turning out decently so far. My biggest concern is time. With having work tomorrow, I can only do the editing on my lunch break of 90 minutes, then whenever i get home which probably wont be until 6, given the upload time that leaves me with about 3 hours in total. Hopefully I'll be able to work with Rhys and Jack's stuff, as i think it'll be easier for me to do it then. Regardless, I'm gonna be a zombie but LOL this is the second Wednesday in a row I stayed up late except this is not for school and instead of 3 hours, ima get 2 hours of sleep haha that is so sad and funny and heebee jeebee zoinks, alright goodnight

Two things: 1) there's really nothing quite like making a fool of yourself multiple times in a single org, just to be immune for one round. 2) i am horrible at looking for idols

So Matt just told me he thinks we’re gonna have a double tribal right before merge which is like ew I hate that throw it out please, speaking of throwing out uh Kori can go because he’s wearing on my nerves like yes we’re gonna get things done on time calm down please and thanks.

these people are actually delulu if they think that video is winning. no fucking way we are winning. time to go to tribal!

So the swap has happened, and I get what is almost probably my worst case scenario player-wise. All of my close allies, with the exception of Kori, are currently on Cyrena. Meaning that winning immunity isn't even really good, since it puts them in danger.

I think there's a way to make this bad situation good though. Getting to finally work with Michael, Matt, Loris, and Drew can actually be a blessing in disguise. If I get on their good sides now, they might clue me into their plans once merge rolls around. That's the hope, anyway. For now my goal is just to survive being swapped with a bunch of people I've barely spoke to!

The past 24 hours have been major toughie for me. Staying up late and then trying to manage editing a video, work, and time constraints, and I won't lie, its been exhausting, but I didn't want to let my tribe down, or anyone down I guess. A little ways through, I kinda felt pretty defeated and then learning at last minute it was due an hour before I predicted made me panic A LOT internally, but it does seem like the tribe likes it so if we do lose and if they do vote me out, I can look back at this and feel like I did something right.

Well a lots happened and to be honest at times life and this game move too quick for me to even remember if I've mentioned it. We swapped, and I'm trying to just keep myself afloat however I can.

The challenge was overly stressful and I have no idea if we'll pull it out. Editing has been so stressful and I've found new appreciation for the people that do it. I just hope whatever I whip together will just be enough so that I can breathe and really take stalk of my new situation.

So, I haven't been around a whole bunch recently. However I'm glad we didn't go to tribal, that could've been  a reason if my name came up. So I'm glad I have time to more cement my bonds on this tribe and keep my name out of peoples mouths.

We JUST WON IMMUNITY WOOHOO. I was kind of nervous with a music challenge considering the only other one I did previously I did not do the greatest in :P. Both videos were amazing and im so glad Eve and Jones's mom liked ours significantly greater than the other one! As far as my position is concerned, I am reunited with Jared and our relationship is still strong I think so that's good. Stephen I am HOPING will be ok by just latching on to Kori at least for premerge. Those two are still the ones I trust the most, but I also like Alyssa Chris and Zach. I WISH i could connect more with jack, but i feel like every time we play together it gets more difficult to hold a conversation, so that's a yikes. Jared myself and stephen are diligently working on the idol search, but it's likely already found. I'm pretty sure there are too many components for someone to just find it by themselves

WELL. Im a target tonight! God we really do love that for me. We really do. Kori, eat my fucking ass. You leave me on read all the time. And then you have the NERVE. THE ACTUAL NERVE. to be like "omg stop slipping in my dm's!" Boo if you didn't leave me on read constantly then maybe i would actually want to speak to you! an actual moron. And then STEPHEN HAS THE FUCKING AUDACITY to me like "ya lol i'll be at tribal i'll make the decision between you and Kori at tribal!". BOI. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU GET TRUST IN SOMEONE. Its fucking ridiculous. Thank god Michael is in my corner, hopefully drew and bryce too. I am NOT getting 15th right now, no way. I am BETTER than this. i am going to make it work, tim gunn style. maybe its time to break the fajitas and channel their energy once again

Why do I go on the initiative literally ever? I'm clearly bad at it, I wasn't even remotely thinking things through and I SHOULD have let Stephen or someone else suggest someone but no I had to be mildly greedy and wanna send home Matt whom I barely DM.

I already flopped editing the video, and now here I am flopping the social/stategy game that I love playing supposedly.

Of course I tried reaching out to Michael and Drew FOOLISHLY because I wanted to build trust and maybe work with them. So naturally Michael tells Matt because ofc they'd be close as would Drew probably since he and Michael have been together since Day 1. As it stands I'm stuck praying Loris is gonna vote with me and it just sucks because I'm so bad at this game.

I'm trying to keep a cool head right now because there's still time. Stephen and I are trying to work logistics, see if we need to switch the vote to say Michael in case of an idol, but I'm not sure Loris/Bryce would be on board for that.

There's a pretty good chance that I'm definitely dead. But I'ma fight to the bitter end!

Today I learned from Stephen that Kori is in some dangerous water. He I guess said Matt's name to Michael who told Matt and now them and Drew are voting Kori. However Bryce and Stephen and perhaps Loris are all voting Matt. Now this is good if it works because honestly that group having to endure their numbers dwindling is good for my game. It only leaves Jack and Alyssa but I think we better be careful because I can see both of them slipping through the inevitable war zone that is gonna be happening.

Today's been a pretty informative day for me. After losing the immunity challenge by a hair, I was worried because I didn't think I had bonded very well with my current tribe through One World, luckily for me, that doesn't seem to be their biggest concern at the moment.

During the initial stages of the vote, I talked to Kori and the two of us decided Matt would be the easiest target to take out. I was leaning towards voting Matt because we hadn't talked very much, so hearing Kori was on board right away simplified things for sure. Bryce and Loris both seem to be on board with it too so I shouldn't have anything to worry about at this point.

In the morning, things got a whole lot more complicated. Matt found out he was the target through Michael, and began his campaign to get Kori out instead of himself. I'm not entirely sure why Michael decided to do this, but it doesn't make much of a difference at this point. Matt campaigned to me, and I sorta pretended to be on the fence. I was listening to what he said, but Kori is realistically one of my closest allies, there's no way I'm voting him out to side with people I had just met.

Once campaign season got under way, I had a conversation with Chris. Chris tells me that on original Orfeo, him, Loris, and Zach believed there was an alliance of Chloe/Sharky/Drew/Michael formed. This explains not only why Sharky was seen as an easy boot on swap-Tuatha, but also why Michael wants to keep Matt instead of Kori. With Chloe re-joining after tribal, him/Drew/Chloe/Matt would form a tight majority. Without Matt, they're a minority.

I proposed an idea to switch the vote from Matt to Michael or Drew. I said it was because I was worried about an idol, but this alliance is the real reason I wanted to do it. However, Kori, Loris, and Bryce are comfortable with the status quo and since it's not my neck on the line I didn't feel the need to push too hard.

Me, Kori, and Bryce now also have an alliance with Loris, which is cool? I haven't gotten very close with Loris yet but he seems like a smart player tied to Chris and Zach which spells good things for us working together in the future. Assuming I survive this vote and have a future, of course.

hi I think I might make it past final 15 that’s nice umm... I suggested an alliance of me Bryce Stephen Kori to counter the potential power of chloe Matt Michael and drew once chloe joins our tribe because my brain is massive. but now we’re like scared for idols . scary shih anyways like how r u I’m good.

________________________________________________________________

oh huh tribes r gonna be even again next round... so I have to make this conf by default just in case of a you know what wait no anna u said no more 24 hour challenges QUEEN ... thank god I can’t be bothered to delete this so she’s being SENT

Right now there's so many things running through my head with the introduction of Matts vote steal, because realistically i could convince him to give to me or i could keep him around as a potential shield. I don't want to do it to the guy but also a vote steal could shift the tides of the game in my favour later down the line. so it's a difficult decision and one id rather have more time to contemplate.

Wooo ok operation vote steal is a go and next round we’ll be swimming in green hopefully but with one world sis og tribe lines just ain’t it!

God im over this tribal. Like ugh these people really are under Kori's mist so like im probably going home. Do I think i might be able to survive? a small glimmer of hope says yes, but i'm not confident. God im just... so annoyed at this. Im clearly on the outs here and I just HOPE i can pull through i just am so scared. I know if i do leave though that I have fought my damn hardest to stay tonight. Im trying to think of the positives because its hard to do so because im being sad atm.. UGH. the fajitas really have failed me tonight, their light has dimmed and their guidance is no more. i am now with the darkness. we r one.

Oh my fucking god my heart is breaking. Matt is basically in such a deep hole he's going to go home, unless he plays an idol. And Alyssa has an idol. And she doesn't think it's smart to use it on him because Michael says he's just gonna go home next round. His social game hasn't been up to snuff and they're gonna boot him regardless, so she wants to keep us with power and let him go. And I agree with her. Which kills me. I'm usually able to just be a robot when it comes to this like yes I will make the smarter decision if it means I'll be emotionally torn, and this is such an instance. Luckily, it's not my idol to give up. Yes Alyssa says it's "our" idol but it's her call end of the day. I just... fuck. This is all stars man. And I'm actually starting to feel, for once.

Well it's about an hour before tribal and at least on it's surface it would seem Matt is going. I'm not confident though because any number of things COULD happen. I'm hoping there's no idol play, just because I feel like pre-merge just isn't a good look for me.

If Matt does pull something off, then kudos to him, and if it's me that'd make this my final confessional for the season. I've had such an amazing time playing and while I feel like I've been playing a lower key game on purpose I feel like I'm doing what I can to really come into my own. I hope the bonds I've made are gonna stick and that everything works out for us.

But if it doesn't I guess I'll have to find a way to be ok with that. This has been such a unique All-Stars experience so far, and I hope I can take what I've gotten from it and make myself better for it. (Also highkey hopefully this isn't my last confessional and I'm getting sentimental for no reason.)

________________________________________________________________

Kori is voted out 4-3.

[viralhottopics]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Last Week They Took An L, But This Week They Bounced Back Kinda

Welcome, welcome, welcome. After last weeks very entertaining trainwreck, I gotta say I was pretty fucking pumped to revisit the AYTO cast. Nothing makes these recaps easier to write than failure of other people. Lucky for me, this cast not only fails but also does some straight-up stupid shit in the process. I mean, between Tyler and Carolina these recaps practically write themselves.

Anyways, Im drinking cheap wine and my laptop is charged. Lets begin now.

AFTER BLACKING OUT AND LOSING A SHIT TON OF MONEY

Carolina has produced enough tears to give the town of Flint some clean water. Shes literally moving from one location to the other just fucking sobbing. Joeys pretty upset toonow hes a loveless trashman. Sad!

They are both like kneeling on the floor, praying to sweet baby Jesus that they can overcome this horrible hardship of losing your love of two weeks. Joeys low-key kneeling down to pick up some trash off the ground because you cannot take the man away from his livelihood, goddammit.

Kathryn/Rushboobs is like ARE WE DONE?? to Ozzy and its like, uh, is this a trick question? Oh duh, I forgot shes an education major from FSU. Someone needs to basically fucking spell out how this game works for her.

Ozzy tries to let her down easy and she storms off because how dare he try and focus on the whole object of the game!?

Kam, the girl with the grey/purple hair as my mom calls her (like, mom its a three fucking letter name), is like “OKAY EVERYONE STOP FUCKING CRYING.” I am Kam, Kam is me.

Rushboobs cant help that she has a lot of feelings and the fucking mentality of a 14-year-old.

Tee is like “I WANT A BOYFRIEND WITH A BRAIN.” And when you want an intellectual boyfriend the first place you should go is an MTV reality show. *cough, cough BULLSHIT cough*

Shes into Oswaldo, who is low-key hot but also looks like Austin Ames friend from (the one in the middle). YEAH, I KNOW, IM FUCKING RIGHT.

He is talking about how he wants to be a businessman and watches Animal Planet because knowledge is power. Yeah, I bet watching episodes of is really going to put you ahead in your fuckin career.

Honestly, I cannot hear him saying anything besides diner girl.

THE CHALLENGE

Can I just saylots of slow motion running this season. We get it. You use special effects.

The game involves the casts social media and they have to answer questions based off their profiles. Apparently they all are fucking crazy online too, further solidifying the fact that they will never get jobs in the real world.

Except Joey. Trash collecting doesnt have a lot of requirements to it.

They all are asked the same questions and need to find the answer for their partner in a maze like web that Ryan so cleverly calls the inter-net.

Whenever Ryan says something fucking cheesy that cast cracks up like its the best shit theyve ever heard. I imagine producers are standing behind them with like guns pointed to their backsfucking laugh at Ryans pun or Ill murder your family. Carolina, shed a tear if you need help.

Thats not really a thing, you fucking idiots.

It goes like this:

Question: Biggest turnoff in a guy?

JOEY: I know KARI likes a guy who listens, because I listen. ALSO JOEY: I know KARI likes a guy who eats food because I eat food.

Joey, be a doll and never speak again. Thanks!

Question: If I won the lotto what would I buy?

NORMAL PEOPLE: A plane ticket anywhere in the world! NORMAL PEOPLE: I would donate to charity! NORMAL PEOPLE: I would pay loans! HAYDEN: ME BUY LARGE TRUCK.

Question: Whats a gross habit you have?

OZZY: Im just here to fuck Carolina, so Im picking the first thing I see *picks wipes boogers on the wall* CAROLINA: Omg he knows me so well!!!

Note to self, never, ever go to Carolinas booger house.

Hayden and Rushboobs get in first, Joey and KARI get second. To make it even more awkward, Ozzy and Carolina get third. Oh, I love this.

Ryan tells them they are all going hiking with monkeys and Ozzy has to act excited, like he doesnt do that every other day.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Michael is like I WAS AN EMT BUT I QUIT BECAUSE OLD PEOPLE, AM I RIGHT? Thats like being like I WAS A VET, BUT ANIMALS, RIGHT? Michael, further implicating himself as unemployable.

Gianna is like, still having a lady boner over Michael and Hayden has developed a city on Friendzone Island where he is now the mayor. Shes like, laying all over him and totally loving the fact that hes more whipped than a girl in BDSM porn.

Carolina is in love with Ozzy faster than President Trump can delete the LGBT Rights page from his website. Quite suddenly, hes the hottest guy in the house and she liked him the whole time she was with Joey. Hmm, sounds like alternative facts.

Shes like “MY PARENTS WOULD LOVE YOU” hes like “mmmm okay, Booger rubber.”

Also, when talking to the camera separately, Carolina seems like the most boring person literally ever. Was she on a sedative? Why do I feel like they put her on this show like, mid-wisdom teeth removal?

Rushboobs is pounding wine, honestly same, while Ozzy and Carolina start making out.

Tyler, this seasons resident fuckboy, is like Shannon is fun and flirty! Which is the way of saying easy! Shannon, you seem nice, but when you speak I want to throw myself in front of a fucking train. Her voice truly sounds like everything annoying in the world just took a massive shit in her vocal chords. Did she do the voice over for Bubbles in ?

Taylor is like “dafuq is this?” And straight-up calls Tyler out. Shes like you didnt even get to know me very calmly and Tyler is like WOAH.

TYLER: YOU ARENT MY GIRLFRIEND TAYLOR: I know, I just wanted to get to know you because you seem cool TYLER: WOW, WHAT A CRAZY BITCH

Rushboobs is talking to Ozzy about how she still cares about him and shell never forget the 14 days they had together on a reality show, where everything is pretty much superficial.

Carolina comes in hot and is like “RUSHBOOBS DOESNT KNOW IF IM GOOD FOR OZZY OR NOT! not even understanding that they arent talking about her.

Joey comes in to defend Rushboobs and mostly just shit talk Carolina. Joey starts yelling at Carolina about how she juggles guys and shes crazy and all this other bullshit. Joey, pull your tampon out and quit being a little baby about this. Move the fuck on. Youre a single trashmanyour life can only go up from here!

Joeys like “WHY DONT YOU TAKE A FIRST CLASS FLIGHT HOME WITH OZZY!!!!” And its like, ooooohhh good one, bro, and Ozzys like uh, Im from here. Ozzys mom will be picking him up after the show, thanks for the concern though.

Shannon is talking to Tyler and I swear I have heard more interesting shit come out of a Baby Born doll. Why do you sound like you survive on a diet of rainbows and helium? Whatever, they annoy me. Moving on.

THE DATE WITH ALL THE LITTLE BIRDIES AND THE MONKEYS

They go to play with the monkeys and Carolina is like we took food out and the animals attacked us. Wow, groundbreaking.

She and Ozzy start making out and its like, could you just chill for a second? There are fucking animals eating corn off your head.

Joey starts complaining to KARI about Carolina and shes like I think you still like her. KARIs in med school man, dont fuck with her. Also, she can literally see into your mind with those big-ass eyes of hers.

Hes like “I SWEAR ON MY LIFE IM OVER IT! I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER LOVED THAT I AM SO OVER THAT HORRIBLE, HATEFUL, CRAZY BITCH CAROLINA.” The trashman doth protest too much.

KARI leaves because she doesnt need this bullshit. She can fucking read minds and save people. Time to move the fuck on.

Am I watching ? Because I swore I just heard Joey say can I steal her for a minute? Joey, do not fucking try to hybrid my reality shows rn!

He pulls Carolina aside and is like KARI WONT TALK TO ME BECAUSE OF YOU!!! Uh, wait what? Carolina starts yelling and this is just a goddam mess. Honestly, the sexual tensionyou could cut it with a knife.

Ozzy goes to save Carolina before she starts rubbing boogers all over Joeys face.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Carolina and Ozzy are in the Truth Booth, thank god. Put me out of my fucking misery.

But wait, Ryan offers a deal where they dont send Ozzy and Carolina and they take $150,000 bucks instead. But if they take the money, they can never send those two in the truth booth again. Damn Ryan, back at it again with the shitty trades.

The house is divided with Kam being like CAROLINA IS CRAZY TAKE THE MONEY and everyone else being like hmmm idk.

Ryan asks Derrick, who is like the unofficial spokesperson of the house, what their plan is and they decide to not take the truth booth trade. Damn, Ive heard stupider shit come out of Kellyanne Conways mouth.

And lookie here, NO MATCH.

Moral of the story: Listen to Kam. Listen to me. Never make a decision on your own. Bye!

Carolina is crying again. Someone put a Brita filter under this bitch.

Rushboobs is like wow this is so sad *smiles* *dances* *throws flowers around the room* *throws party*

Joey and Rushboobs bond over alcohol and their hatred of Carolina and start flirting. This is how it goes, I shit you not:

RUSHBOOBS: Stop! JOEY: No, you stop *leans in closer* RUSHBOOBS: No, you stop *leans in closer* ME: NO SERIOUSLY, FUCKIN STOP.

Ive seen better flirting skills from a fucking third grader. Where did you learn to communicate with the opposite sex, Rushboobsyour students? Joey, I dont even want to know how your livelihood has affected your lovelife.

Tee is like “I CANNOT WAIT TO FUCK OSWALDO,” and its like, wow okay. Shoutout to her parents. But also, do you girl #womensmarch

KARI and Tyler start talking. Tylers playing the role of the victim like I cant help that every girl wants to bone me! wow, life must be so hard for you. How do you even get up in the morning?

Tyler is hot though, dammit. Always the pretty ones. KARI ends up straddling him and they go to bed together. Well. Okay then.

Meanwhile, Kam and Eddie are hanging out and giving me couple goals. If they arent a match Im fucking throwing hands.

MTV: Kam and Eddie, you are not a couple ME: CASH ME OUTSIDE, HOW BOW DAH

THE MATCHUP CEREMONY

The girls pick tonight so hopefully it wont be too much of a shit show.

Rushboobs picks Joey, a trashy match made in heaven.

Tee picks Osvaldo, the knowledgeable son of a bitch. I imagine he is just whispering animal facts into her ear all night.

Hannah picks Derrick/Kellyanne.

Casandra and Jaylen. Yawn.

Kam and Eddie, because duh.

Shannon picks Tyler. Yuck. Ryans like Tyler, hows it going? And Tylers like “I GOT TO KNOW KARI INTIMATELY!” Okay. Not the question but whatever. So classy. Goddam, I want to kiss your face but also hit it with shovel???

Hes like I was sauced and tries to act like it was a drunken thing. Very cool of him. And STOP USING THE TERM SAUCED. Like I literally just picture you rolling around in marinara.

KARIs like fuck it, yeah I gave him a handjob. Wow, okay MTV youre really doin the damn thing. Honestly, who hasnt given a regretful handjob?

Taylor is crying because shes like wait you never even spoke to me! Everyone, including me, feels bad for Taylor because like, Tylers fucking gross.

Tyler: The funny thing about a conversation is give me a handjob.

Tylers like I guess Im the bad guy and its like, hmmm, what gave it away? I shall play you the worlds smallest violin. Can you hear it?

Carolina picks Hayden and Giannas like “WTF NO.”

Gianna picks Ozzy and Ozzy literally looks like he wants to kill himself. Relatable.

Alicia picks Mike. Cool story.

Taylor comes up and crying and Ryans like how do you feel? Uh how do you think she fucking feels? Is the crying not a clue? Shes like I feel disrespected but honestly, when am I ever not. This is like a speech from a movie.

TAYLOR TO TYLER: But waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless and disappointing. (name the movie)

Taylor picks Michael as her perfect match.

Andre is like “Taylor is hot and sad. I make happy. We bone. Yay!”

Im endorsing that couple RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

Andre and KARI are left.

They are all like we cannot get another blackout! and Im like just fuck me up, fam. Give me another blackout, make my goddam day.

But alas, they get 4 BEAMS. Not bad for a bunch of pretty degenerates.

Cant wait to see what fuckery next week holds!

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from ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Last Week They Took An L, But This Week They Bounced Back Kinda