#idk why asd is being brought into it

[snnumntik]

hey tumblr what do you think you're doing letting this ad go through

[slow-drowned-angels]

Still pissed at my therapist who said “but you have friends!” when I mentioned I suspected ASD. When she followed up with “yeah, people with autism usually don’t have and/or want friends” (paraphrased), I replied, incredulously, “I don’t think that’s true!” Then she went on about how autistic people she worked with tended to be more interested in special interests than people and therefore I couldn’t be autistic. I honestly wasn’t sure how to respond at that point, but over the last month I keep coming back to this conversation and being super confused.

Since then, she’s been a bit better though (including asking around regarding the cost and benefits for getting an official diagnosis, plus possible alternatives).

More discussion below. TL;DR: That’s a wild thing to generalize, even though it’s true for some autistics. Especially because she barely knows me (we’ve only had a few sessions) and didn’t ask any follow-up.

Sounds sus. Since…. I am on the autism social media site TM (and see all the posts from autistic people who have friends, who tried really hard to have friends, etc) and also I have an irl friend who is diagnosed ASD and has WAY more social interest than I do. And like… why would masking exist as a concept if autistic people didn’t care about fitting in with (and gaining social acceptance of) allistic people? Like yeah autistic people have social difficulties and that often manifests in having difficulties making and keeping friends, but wow. I imagine we’re sometimes good enough at masking to succeed in friendships?? And that there exist enough people who are either nice or neurodiverse themselves that we can be friends with without having to mask?? It kinda goes back to the whole problem with defining autism solely by traumatized autistic people.

I’ve been very lucky to have people around me who have actively tried to be friends with me. (I understand that this is a privilege I’m afforded in part because I’m “allistic passing” enough. I understand that because I saw the effects of being a very visibly autistic kid at my schools. It was Bad.) The kids who befriended me were often kids who are kinda Weird themselves — 3rd grade kids who wrote pages and pages of original fiction in their free time (and in cursive), middle schoolers who will tell me endlessly about their latest obsessions, kids who pretended to be cats, kids who constantly read novels, etc. I honestly just kind of fell into friendships and made a pretty good sidekick (because I was generally down for whatever they were interested in and otherwise kept to myself). It worked out that the other person was usually a strong personality — except for when I was very young, I’ve been unable to talk at length about my own interests (either because I tend to tell stories out of order and get flustered easily or because I get bad anxiety that the other person isn’t interested in it). I’m slowly getting better at it, but Is Rough unless someone is asking me a series of questions to lead the conversation or I get to write it out.

I can make friends in classes because I know how to talk About School (and can contribute if other topics I’m interested in are brought up by the other person, like politics or media or queer shit, etc) and so I made friends with nerds who were very academically-focused and made friends with classmates. Are they considered friends if the friendship is solely centered around school? Idk! They’re people I talk to and generally like! So friend!

I also know that I weirded a lot of people out, especially in middle school and high school. Either because I was perceived as unfriendly or too intense. Tbh, fair. I was often unfriendly and intense. Part of it was deliberate because it meant people wouldn’t fuck with me. Honestly I learned a lot of the more complex social stuff from one of my current best friends and a lot of my capability of dealing with complex emotional situations is solely through directly quoting them.

Also this lady barely knows me, I don’t know why she’s making blanket assumptions just because I’m good enough at masking to know how to get a good grade in therapy (and tend to automatically mask with new people). If she asked me more questions about it, I would have been able to explain myself, but she began by dismissing it entirely (which I wasn’t at all expecting and didn’t really know how to… argue my case without making it seem like I was claiming that I knew more about autism than she does [even though I privately posit that I do; she didn’t know about rejection sensitivity dysphoria until I mentioned it as something I related to smh, to be fair this isn’t her specialty… but also she’s working/worked with autistic people??]). (Also, note how I write when it’s stream-of-consciousness and I get to edit and write stuff out of order and add stuff later on, imagine if I were trying to talk about this in real time,, dear god.)

Amusingly I think my temporary group therapy class therapist probably believes me more when I mentioned asd because she’s seen me interact with other people and also I’m very obviously constantly stimming.

(Thanks for reading my [social] life story.)

[myautisticpov]

How old were you when you were diagnosed with ADHD?

I was at university recently (teacher training) and one of the SEND module lecturers was discussing ADHD (and other things) and saying many of her colleagues believe that it isn't really real. Most of what I know of ADHD comes from Tumblr memes (I have asd, and as your account suggests - and I'm sure you know - many asd/ADHD things appear to overlap) so this was news to me.

I think I'm trying to ask how one can know? But then, I don't think that's a good question so it might not be my question. I know you'll naturally disagree, but...idk. Is that something you'd ever heard said before?

Oh yeah, it’s actually super common for people in unis to think that ADHD isn’t real. There’s this whole idea that ADHD is a label that schools stick on kids because schools are too restrictive and don’t let kids play enough, so the behaviours that get labelled as “ADHD” are just kids acting out against systems that don’t work for them.

The thing is, there is truth to what they’re saying about schools being too restrictive for even neurotypical kids, and listening to people older than me who got diagnosed at school, it does really sound like teachers saying “this child is too unruly, give them the meds to shut them up”.

And then there was public backlash about ADHD meds turning kids into zombies, and by the time I was at school, the panic had swapped to “the doctors are giving all the teenagers prozac for being emo”.

So anyone who is inclined to think that schools are too restrictive very easily fall into the “ADHD is made up so that schools can give kids the ‘shut them up’ meds” trap.

So, basically, a lot of liberal/left-wing people are really prone to falling into this trap, and guess what universities are often full of?

(I say this as a very left-wing person who has spent a lot of time in universities.)

I spent years sort of seeing ADHD posts on Tumblr and going “huh, that also sounds like me” but then assuming that that was just because ADHD and autism have a lot of cross-over.

Then when I was doing research for my MA, my supervisor suggested that I read a special volume of a journal where they’d dedicated the entire volume to stuff related to my dissertation.

And one of the articles in the journal was about kids with ADHD and the specific ways in which they experienced bullying.

Yeah... That was definitely a wake-up call for me.

So, when I went back to my supervisor to talk about all of the articles, I brought up that article, and before I could say anything about seeing myself in it, I got a hefty dose of “ADHD isn’t real it’s just an excuse to medicate kids who rebel against the system” from him.

Anyway, the argument suffers from the fucking major flaw of adults with ADHD still having ADHD as adults, even once they’re out of school.

“Oh, but the workplace is just as restrictive”

Except adults with ADHD who work for themselves or are full-time parents/carers or are retired still have problems.

And actually, one of the biggest problems that professionals who work with kids with ADHD have is trying to get parents to understand that their kids might need their meds on the weekends/holidays as well because they don’t just help with school work, they help with loads of other things as well.

Also a lot of ADHD meds have a very different effect on people with ADHD and people without it. In fact, I am definitely aware of people who only started to really realise they had ADHD after taking Ritalin as a study drug, only to have it have a drastically different effect on them than their peers.

But yes, in short, I have heard of it before, and my answer to why they’re wrong is that adults with ADHD exist and still have problems, regardless of their life circumstances, and also ADHD meds don’t work the same on people without ADHD, so if ADHD doesn’t exist... What the hell is going on there?

Anyway, How To ADHD has a couple of good videos (here and here) on the topic (the first one is mostly on myths like whether or not it exists, and the second is on the scaremongering around meds, which is where a lot of people come to the conclusion that it isn’t real from).

EDIT: I realised that I forgot to answer the first question, I was 23 when I was diagnosed.

[kojandra]

Humour me for a moment: mom theory (updated ep. 11)

*long post alert, I-made-my-own-head-explode alert*

As seen by this episode, Head Nurse Park is the type of person to push people aside easily. So, if we stick to my theory that Nurse Park is the mom...let’s use this to dive into why. First:

- Her odd snickers and facial twitches in her close-up scenes (SUCH a good actor, if those are intentional)

- It’s so strange that we know almost nothing about her character even though she’s one of the more prominent characters

- Her odd obsession with patient Park Ok Ran

- Her sudden interest in Moon Sang Tae

Let’s start at the beginning with the mom’s death. Moon Young says she saw her mom as a bloodied mess in the basement room, limbs twisted and disfigured. The dad (Ko Dae Hwan) is saying that he choked her to death. The stories aren’t adding up. But one was 12 and the other has dementia so...open ended.

And let’s say the mom didn’t die. It’s very obvious she was the more dominant figure in the family. Such a dominant figure (even if they live a different life after not dying) would not want to be a submissive character. Head nurse is a suitable position for the mom because it gives a lot of power and authority. She has access to almost everyone. It’s second-in-command to the Director position (which she seems to have a heavy hand in making the final decision as well). 

And if the mom is indeed Head Nurse Park, she has access to a lot of patient records. The way she is portrayed in the flashbacks proves she is a master manipulator (I’m very convinced that Moon Young wasn’t born with ASD, but something she was conditioned with, courtesy of mom). With that kind of power and ability to manipulate people, she could very easily just select patients who are vulnerable and get them to act as her puppets. 

If that’s the case, then Park Ok Ran could have been selected because, as we found out, she was an actor. Besides that fact, it could have piqued Nurse Park’s interest because Ok Ran was also a fan of Do Hui Jae’s novels (which would be Nurse Park’s novels). It may have been offered as an acting role or a therapy session. Very innocent tasks. And IF this is what happened, then maybe the cue cards Gang Tae found in the book were lines to remember to recite to Moon Young or Dae Hwan. As she memorized them, she would cross them out. It’s also interesting how no one paid attention to Park Ok Ran until she started to provoke Dae Hwan.

Nurse Park would move her out of the hospital if she knew she was never coming back. Either she gave Ok Ran an escape route in exchange for her acting efforts, or she killed her idk.

Okay, now let’s talk about Sang Tae. Sang Tae was painting there for a while, but it took the Head Nurse a loooong time to say her greetings. And above that, she wasn’t just being polite, she wanted to talk with him in the garden. And she bought a dinosaur toy to cheer up Sang Tae. Why is this sketchy? To me, it just doesn’t feel right. She doesn’t usually pay that much attention to patients, but a lot of screen time was given for her interactions with Ok Ran and Sang Tae.

I recently stumbled upon a theory by DramaHyung on youtube (I’ll link the channel after this paragraph) basically explaining how Sang Tae may be Do Hui Jae’s son. TL;DR: Since Hui Jae was a perfectionist and she couldn’t get Sang Tae to behave the way she wanted, she abandoned him at a young age. Although it’s a bit of a stretch, if that’s the case, it’s kind of an incentive to why she might kill the Moon brothers’ mom. Maybe she did not want to see her kid being brought up? So cruel, but I don’t know. Did she want her kids to be alone forever? Because it doesn’t make sense that the butterfly killer would kill the mom and leave Sang Tae alone...unless she really wanted to make a statement.

DramaHyung’s Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQWnyegQsKSm0HZxK2-Ue2g/featured

Okay. Now let’s talk about the dinosaur. I think it is foreshadowing. She’s giving a mother figure to Sang Tae’s dinosaur. This may be a metaphor in how she might return into his life. The fact that Sang Tae and Nurse Park are ‘close’ now, it is very easy for her to talk to him, for him to share secrets with her, etc. This is very dangerous IF she is the mom.

And to top it off, that preview of the mom’s chin and lips at the end of ep. 11 really got me thinking it’s Nurse Park because her features are very similar. With 5 episodes left, I think there will be one or two more episodes of hinting and then the “mom” will make her move. 

P.S. I already know Sang Tae will find the butterfly envelope while working in that room and freak the fuck out.

P.S.2. Did they ever find the Moon brothers’ mom’s body? Do we remember? What if the bloodied body was hers :o

[luci-cunt]

👀👀 I am sending this again very specifically because I want to see Neil throw flowerpots at Andrew sorry not sorry

k;asd XDD

Ask and ye shall receive:

(btw in this au Neil and his mother were mechanics for the Moriyama’s who use robots that look like them called “Avatars” to cause mayhem in the “Wasteland” which is just the U.S post-nuclear destruction. The U.S keeps telling the public no one survived the fallout, except people in the middle of the U.S did and are now basically the NPC’s in Westworld. Rn Neil’s stuck in a tower in the Wastelands doing matinence for the Moriyama Avatars, except Riko’s the only one anymore. idk if that makes sense, if it doesn’t just enjoy pot throwing XD) Also I just dumped the whole segment in here, it’s like 1k so watch out XD.

_____

Two days after Riko’s visit Nathaniel was running on the treadmill when he heard voices. 

He ignored them at first, since curious scavengers and survivors weren’t uncommon. Usually they’d pick their way around the building until they realized there was no way to get in or spot the MORIYAMA PROPERTY sign. 

But then Nathaniel heard the electronic whine of a saw starting up, and he jumped off his treadmill, grabbing for a weapon–a heavy wrench–and carefully made his way towards the sound. 

It was coming from his kitchen, on the wall behind it, and while it was muffled Neil strained to listen to what they were saying. The saw cut off sharply, and then started again, before turning off, like whoever was using it didn’t know how to use a button. 

“…know how to use that?” one voice said, Neil thought he heard a scoff. 

“Of course I do, I’m not an idiot,” a second voice said. The first voice sounded feminine, while the second was male, and oddly familiar. “For the record–” the second voice said, starting the saw back up, “–I think this is a terrible idea.” 

And then Nathaniel heard the saw pierce through the metal of his walls. 

He froze, listening as the saw cut a hole in his prison. No one had ever broken in before, no one had the guts to. So whoever these people were, they were either stupid or powerful. Nathaniel wasn’t sure which he preferred. 

Suddenly there was a loud clatter and a curse, Nathaniel jumped at the noise.

“We’re breaking in through the fridge?” the first voice said incredulously, and Nathaniel blinked at his fridge door. 

“It used to be an exit, they just put a fridge in where the door was, so it’s the weakest point,” the second voice explained impatiently. 

Nathaniel heard the clattering of them removing all his food and shelves and dumping it next to the building so they could enter, and in a moment of panic he braced himself against the door to stop them.

“After you sir,” the first voice said mockingly. “Oh, right, or after you, ass,” she added, sounding bitter. 

Three people? 

Nathaniel felt someone push on the door. 

“Come on Monster, open it up,” the woman said, and the ‘Monster’ pushed again, Neil pressed himself against the door harder. “Is it locked?” 

“It shouldn’t be,” the man said.

“Then why is it not opening?” a third voice said, this one closest to Nathaniel. 

“I don’t know! It should just open, it’s a fridge,” the man said, “Just–push harder, maybe there’s something in the way,” he added. 

“Or you could use that handy little saw we brought,” the Monster said dryly. Nathaniel’s heart started pounding. Fuck.

“Oh right, yeah, I’ll do that,” the man said, his voice coming closer as Nathaniel hear the saw start up. He bolted before it even touched the door though, and the fridge crashed open, spilling three people into his tower. They all cursed and one of them fumbled to turn off a saw, but Nathaniel barely looked at them, too busy bolting for the ladder to the second floor. He got about five steps before he heard someone on his tail, and he pressed himself to go faster, jumping for the ladder. Right as he started to climb through the hole someone grabbed Nathaniel’s ankle, yanking him back downstairs. His arms hit the second storey floor, knocking the breath out of him and he scrambled to hold on to something, kicking at whoever was holding him. 

His foot finally caught something, and the hand disappeared with a curse, Nathaniel clawed his way up and nearly collapsed as he put pressure on his ankle. He hissed, and quickly looked around for some kind of cover to block the open entrance. There was nothing besides plants though, and when Nathaniel looked back he saw a blond head poking its way up from the top of the ladder. On instinct he threw his wrench at the man, who barely managed to dodge it. Nathaniel scrambled up and dragged himself into the back of the room and grabbed a potted plant, when the man’s head popped up again he threw the plant and heard it crash to the floor. 

“Hey what’s–fuck!” the woman’s voice called, interrupted by Nathaniel throwing another pot down. The blond head appeared again, but this time when Nathaniel threw the pot a hand darted up, batting the plant aside so it smashed on the ground next to the opening. 

Panic filled Nathaniel’s body and he just grabbed a pot again to throw, but before he could the man was across the room, he snatched the pot away from Nathaniel and smashed it on the floor. 

“How about you stop that?” he said, voice dripping with barely contained anger. Nathaniel gulped, but managed a scowl. 

“Fuck you,” he hissed, punching the man’s chest. It wasn’t a very good punch, but it seemed to shock the man enough for Nathaniel to be able to bolt around him, all but diving for the door. He didn’t make it very far though, because the man just grabbed the back of Nathaniel’s shirt and slammed him back against the wall. Nathaniel wheezed, his vision swimming as his head bounced against the wall behind him. 

“Who are you?” the man asked, his voice sounding echoey.

“Concussed,” Nathaniel said, trying to blink away the silvery splotches dotting his view. The man was short, surprisingly short, leaving Nathaniel only a few inches taller. He had short hair and hazel eyes that burned where they were boring into Neil. He was wearing all black, with a pair of armbands around his forearms. 

“I said who smartass,” the man said, and suddenly Nathaniel felt a knife pressed to his throat, he almost laughed, but before he could answer the other two members of the mans group caught up to them and were standing behind the man. 

“Christ–Andrew who the hell is that?” the woman asked, she had dark skin and hair about as short as the man’s, but it was curlier. Her face was wrinkled in confusion and she was holding a massive looking machete. 

“Nathaniel?” Nathaniel’s head snapped over to where he suddenly spotted Kevin Day, standing behind the woman. His face looked pale, the 2 tattooed on his cheek stark against the white skin and green eyes wide in fear. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Nathaniel snarled, he couldn’t help it. Bitterness filled him, clashing with the panic. 

“I–” Kevin started, but he was interrupted. 

“Kevin who is this?” the man holding Nathaniel asked, Nathaniel turned his scowl back on that man. 

“It’s–it’s–Nathaniel, he helped me–” Kevin paused, his eyes glazing slightly as he probably relived the memory, “He helped me escape, I thought you–” Kevin stammered, Nathaniel laughed. 

“What? Thought I escaped too? Died? What did you think Kevin?” he snapped, Kevin flinched at his words. 

“I’m sorry I–”

“Shut up,” Nathaniel and the man with the knife said at the same time. Then they glared at each other for it. The man pressed the knife harder to Nathaniel’s neck, and Nathaniel had to force himself not to gulp. 

“Tell me who you are, and what you’re doing with the Moriyama’s,” the man demanded, and Nathaniel smiled at him. 

“Why do you want to know? If you know this is Moriyama property then you’re all either idiots, or powerful enough to know what I do,” Nathaniel said, it made the man’s eyes narrow on him. Either these were a bunch of scavengers looking to cash in on what they probably thought was some kind of storehouse, or they were powerful enough to know about Avatars are and were looking to get their hands on the tech.

“Andrew you shouldn’t–” Kevin tried, but Andrew–apparently–didn’t listen to him.

“Here’s what I think, Nathaniel, I think you’re an Avatar mechanic for the Moriyamas, I also think you must be pretty important since they kept you around even though you helped out Kevin,” Andrew said. So then a bit of both. Neil glared at Kevin over his shoulder.

“You told them?” he hissed, Kevin flinched. 

There was only one law that was actually enforced for Avatars, and that was no Wastelanders could know about Avatars. Hence the fake blood in the skin and Nathaniel faking Riko’s wound. If Wastelanders figured out about the Avatars, it would ruin their simulation, and then the corporation who’d made them would get less money. So anyone who let the secret spill was immediately banned from using an Avatar. 

Kevin–while immune from being punished himself, since he wasn’t in an Avatar and didn’t want to use them–was Moriyama responsibility, so by him spilling the secret, it could get the Moriyama’s in hot water, which wouldn’t be good for anyone. 

“I had to, Riko was coming after them because of me, they needed to know.”

“Hey, we were talking,” Andrew said suddenly, reminding Nathaniel of the knife at his throat. 

“What do you want?” Nathaniel hissed, Andrew shrugged. 

“Usually? Nothing, now? To piss Riko off,” he said, Nathaniel’s stomach knotted itself as he started connecting the dots. 

“So go tell him his hair’s parted weird,” Nathaniel said, hoping Andrew wasn’t thinking the same thing he was. Though, from the cold smile spreading across his face, Nathaniel didn’t feel so lucky.

“Or, we could steal his favorite mechanic.”

Shit.

[my-autistic-things]

Hi! I have my Official Autism Test next week and I'm getting really extremely anxious because I've been waiting for so long and now that it's actually coming up I realize I don't know what to expect! What was the evaluation like for you? What kinds of questions did they ask? Will they judge if I bring a comfort item? Sorry if this is too much I'm just scared haha. (I'm also in the US if that makes a difference??? Idk) also ty and I like your blog

Hey! First, congratulations! I hope you get the results you expect/are accurate!

Depending on your age, it could be slightly different. I will assume you’re an adult -- your parent/guardian will probably need to fill out a survey thingy online too about you, and you will also fill out the same/similar survey during the test. I was told that it was a standard survey when I took it; I took it on an iPad, but you may take it by paper, or it could be verbal...I’m not sure.  After the survey, we did some simple tests to test spatial reasoning, pattern recognition, memory, general knowledge, and stuff like that.  They are kinda like little games and are actually fun to do.  Depending on if you are also requesting/being given an IQ test along with autism test, and also depending on which testing type the psychiatrist is using, the tests could differ.  You’re not supposed to study at all (so it’s an actual glimpse of your knowledge), but if you’re really anxious you could brush up on some super basic math and general knowledge info like famous state/country capitols.  I panicked and for the life of me couldn’t remember what the capital of Italy is, BUT because of that, that added to my memory score being so low.  I guess my point is, studying and preparing could actually backfire.  If you “get the correct answer” in certain tests it could work against a diagnosis/a part that would play a significant part in diagnosing you as x disorder.  

After the survey and test part, we did a questioning part. She asked me about experiences socially, how I am among peers and adults and coworkers, how I do in school, that sort of thing.  Also a bit about my childhood.  And some opinions about myself, some difficulties I have, pretty much everything that would indicate I would have ASD.  Again, you should answer as honestly as possible.  If you try to answer “correctly” it could work against you here too because the “correct” answer could be socially appropriate or contradict something else.  If you want to prepare a list of symptoms you show, experiences that give a clear example of something you experience, and kinda like a narrative of why you should be diagnosed with ASD according to the DSM-V, that would be very helpful as a script and also you can give it to the psychiatrist as additional information since not everything can be covered.  Follow up emails are (should be) welcomed to give additional details too.  You should ask if you can email them with more stories or details because “your memory isn’t that great” or “sometimes you freeze up in social settings” or “it takes me time to process and think about my answer” (definitely autism-related valid reasons!).

Lastly, bring your comfort item! Bring stim toys!  I thought I had to mask/”be professional” so I didn’t use my tangle or anything until the topic was brought up and I asked if I could.  Honestly, stimming during your test can only add to reasons why you should be diagnosed.  Don’t try to control your autistic behaviors, mask, or force yourself to do things and act in a certain way according to neurotypical standards.  Overshare too! Not mentioning something or leaving something half-explained can only work against you.  You’re paying them for this service, they need to listen to you to do their job, the least they can do is let you talk and exist how you exist.

You can message me or send in another ask if you have more questions! Good luck! Let me know how things turn out!

[frappucinhoe]

hey!! u said u take requests and i was wondering if u could do one focusing on souda stimming?? or just little asd quirks haha idk i just really like that you write him with asd as i never see that so anything like that id be happy to see if youd like to write it!! thank u!!

Absolutely! This is such a cute prompt, thank you! I hope this is okay, I had this plot kicking around in my head a little bit anyway. I feel like this one’s like… half baked and I feel a little bad that it’s not great, but for some reason I’ve been struggling to put pen to paper recently. This is also available on AO3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17968895

[

]

Exams always wiped both Souda and Gundham out- and they often spent more time apart than together during them. Hope’s Peak High School’s exams were long, public displays of your talent, and it was quite nervewracking. It was much simpler for Souda, as his skill was provable within a few moments by taking apart and repiecing an engine. Gundham had to show off his most perfect animals and convey to the panel why his animals were so good. They weren’t exactly experts, so “I’ve never once had a case of Wet Tail among my hamsters” really meant nothing to them. He really hat

Gundham needed space and time to be with his animals at a time like this, so Souda thoroughly appreciated the time he did get to spend with his boyfriend. Like now, they were sat in the dormitory’s study lounge, pouring over papers and schematics. They were sitting in comfortable silence, but he was strangely anxious and uncomfortable. When he’d asked Gundham if they could hang out, he kind of just wanted to lay down with the other and destress. He was a little bit touch starved, worried about the exams for both himself and Gundham, and worried about a thousand other things all at once (as per usual.)

Because he hadn’t thought they would be studying, he hadn’t really brought any of his things. Usually he had things on him to stop restless hands- dice, a worry stone, small model planes to disassemble and reassemble. He had at one point had one of those spinners that were so popular, but the others poked fun at him for it quite a bit, so he kept that one put away, not trying to make his self-percieved deficiencies any more obvious. He didn’t have anything on him this time, though, and his mind was racing at a million miles an hour. Everything was just too much. The papers, the constant scratch of Gundham’s pencil on paper, the tag of his t-shirt felt like a razorblade on the back of his neck, and Gundham’s barely-there presence that made him feel like he needed to stay silent and unobtrusive. His thoughts started getting the better of him, pelting him with insults as he fought to keep still.

A study date? He doesn’t like me anymore, I knew it. God this exam is driving me nuts. I don’t need to study I know how to build a fucking rocket from car parts. I’ve done it before. He wouldn’t even hold my hand in the hallway today. He’s just waiting until after exams to leave me. Oh god oh god oh god oh god

Unconciously, he brought his hand up to his mouth and began chewing at his nails, which were already basically stumps. Gundham glanced up at him from across the small table and frowned.

“Stop.” He said, simply.

“Stop what?” Souda asked, cocking his head.

“Chewing your nails. Stop it, it’s not good for you. It’s gross. ”

Great. Now he’s mad at me.

Truth be told, it was one of Gundham’s pet peeves to watch (and hear) somebody chew on their nails. It was gross and obnoxious- it didn’t occur to him why Souda may be doing it, though. While he had been given a vague idea of his boyfriends’ diagnoses, he was unsure of their effects. He didn’t want to read up on anything and view anything the other did as a symptom and not just a part of Souda’s behavior- in fact he found many of the other’s quirks endearing.

Just not chewing on his nails.

“Oh.” Souda replied, wiping his hand off on his jumpsuit and then putting his hands on the table, twiddling his thumbs for a moment before picking up a pencil. He began tapping it on the table, feeling minutely satisfied with the way the eraser bounced off the table. After a few moments of that, Gundham looked up once again.

“Beloved One, if you must insist on making noise, can you go somewhere else, I’m trying to focus.”

Souda put the pencil down, slouching, trying to hide his frown. He started scrunching his fist rapidly instead, occupying his other hand with his head as he started looking over the papers in front of him again. He picked up a pen to make a note, and immediately began clicking the pen tip incessantly, searching for something to calm his mind.

Gundham snatched the pen from his boyfriend’s fingers, clenching his teeth with irritation. Souda straightened up, looking at the other with wide, almost terrified eyes. He started crying very quickly after.

Gundham, not noticing that the other had started crying, snapped on him.

“I have requested, politely, that you stop. Can you please, for my sake, quiet down or leave. I am here because you requested my presence and you-”

“I’m sorry!” Souda cried out, cutting the other off as he sniffled and tried to stifle his tears. He was equal parts angry and absolutely terrified that he’d upset Gundham. “I’m sorry, I- I- I- I’m not trying to bother you I just feel so burnt out and I don’t want to look at pa- papers and schematics any more! I just want-wanted to-” he stopped, taking in a shaky breath. “- hang out and n-not think about these fucking exams! I’m sorry- I gotta go, I don’t- I didn’t wanna upset you!” he got up and left in a hurry, leaving his papers.

Gundham watched, immediately feeling bad that he had snapped like that- he was just irritated, beyond stressed about exams. He didn’t want to immediately follow the other, he was clearly upset. He took his time packing his and Souda’s belongings before traipsing out into the hallway, moving quickly toward’s Souda’s room. He was stopped dead in his tracks by one of Souda’s best friends, Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu. The two were unlikely friends, but often went out drinking together or cracked jokes together during class, and it made Gundham happy that he wasn’t the only one sticking his neck out for Souda. The only issue was that Fuyuhiko tended to be a tad bit overprotective of his friends.

“What the fuck did you do?” The gangster asked, crossing his arms.

“It appears I have upset my Dark Prince, and I wish to go apologize to him. Do you take issue with this, Short One?”

“I take issue with you makin’ my friend cry, yeah.” Fuyuhiko said, glaring daggers up at Gundham.  He had just caught Souda hastily leaving the study lounge, covering his eyes with his hat and going into his room, slamming the door.

“It was not intentional. ” Gundham said, growing upset that Fuyuhiko would accuse him of hurting Souda on purpose. “I simply grew irritated with his incessant fidgeting. I did not know he would react so poorly.”

Fuyuhiko’s face grew angry rather quickly.

“Incessant fidgeting? it’s self stimulation, you fuckin’ moron.” Fuyuhiko faltered for a moment, failing to find the right words to lay into the other with, angry beyond belief. “So you ignore him for pretty much a whole week, and then when he finally gets your attention, you yell at him for something he can’t control? Why, you fuckin’ idiot, I oughtta fuckin-”

“You oughtta do nothing. My relationship is not any of your business.”

“Like fuck it isn’t! Do you not realize you’re practically his whole world? I am constantly getting my phone blown up with him absolutely racking his brain, overanalyzing every single little thing you do making sure he’s still good enough for you, that he isn’t overbearing, that he isn’t being a nuisance to you. I get that that’s how he is, he’s more skittish than a fuckin’ housecat, but it doesn’t help when you attack him for the few things that make him feel better.”

Gundham took in a stabilizing breath, getting dressed down in public was not something he enjoyed, and if it weren’t for the prefects and auditors absolutely crawling campus, he’d sic his Zodiac Generals on Fuyuhiko immediately. He also thought that maybe attacking Souda’s friends wasn’t a great way to get into their good graces. He and Fuyuhiko didn’t hate eachother, sure, but they certainly didn’t see eye to eye.

“I must be going.” Gundham said, making a sharp about face and beginning to move towards the dorm rooms once more. He felt his arm grabbed, and ripped away from the grip, turning around to face the culrpit.

“If you hurt Kazuichi, if you so much as make him feel bad for one second over something as simple as trying to keep calm, I swear to god, Tanaka, you won’t hear the end of it. Just because you pretend you aren’t human doesn’t mean you can act like human emotion is something below you.”

Gundham nodded, taking his leave. Fuyuhiko was a little bit (okay, maybe a bit over-the-top) protective of his friends. Gundham couldn’t blame him, but he was left fuming by even the suggestion that he was a bad boyfriend over one small altercation. He cared about Souda, he really did. He was just stressed, and upset, and maybe not as educated as he could be on the minutia of his boyfriend’s mental health. He also grew sad, knowing that Souda was so anxious about his presence around Gundham- he absolutely adored the mechanic, and very rarely did he truly bother him. If he wanted to be alone, he made that clear, but otherwise he was very much open to and excited seeing his boyfriend. If he didn’t want to be with Souda, he wouldn’t be, and he couldn’t think of many things that the other could do to change that how much he adored him.

He grabbed his keys and went to just enter the room, but decided instead to knock. It was met with no reply, so he knocked again, this time to announce that he was coming in anyway. He had a good idea of what he was gonna see when he entered, and he was right.  Souda was on the ground, bare feet, headphones in, working on a rubik’s cube like his life depended on it. A few different things were set out in front of him, all things Gundham had seen the other playing with on occasion but hadn’t thought much of.  Gundham had seen this before too, though, when the other was inordnately stressed out. The absolute unbreakable focus, the loud music, doing absolutely anything but the actual work he had to do. Souda was remarkable in his ability to focus, to just absolutely dial in on things and tune the whole world out when he was interested in them. Gundham was actually jealous, he often found his mind drifting as he carried out the tasks his animals required each day.

Gundham approached, and still wasn’t noticed by the other, who was clearly intently focused. He pursed his lips and squatted down so he was at eye level with the other, and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Souda jumped, yelping quite loudly and throwing the cube on accident, watching with wide eyes and a pounding heart as it shattered into 26 individual pieces. He blinked a few times, taking his headphones out carefully.

“I’m… so sorry. I did not mean to startle you.”

Souda just stared for a moment, brows knitted together. He was clearly struggling to shift his focus. Gundham gave about a minute of silence before speaking again, trying to allow the other a moment to calm down. He truly hadn’t meant to startle the other, it was clear that the mechanic didn’t expect that he’d be followed back to his room.

“I apologize, my Dark Consort. You did not deserve my wrath. You were simply-”

“Don’t. Save it. I know, it’s irritating, okay? It bothers me too. I’ve been hearing it all my life. Stop clicking the pen, stop bouncing your leg, stop chewing your nails, stop making weird noises, Hey, Souda, aren’t you a little old to be playin’ with toys? Oh, hey, Kazuichi, your stimming makes other people uncomfortable! I get it, sorry, I was doing it because I was uncomfortable, but I’ll stop. I’m sorry.”

Gundham frowned. He adjusted himself so he was no longer squatting, but sitting on the ground as well. He vowed never to be the person who made Kazuichi feel so bad ever again, and here he was. Bitter memories of quarrels with the other flooded back up with the guilt and he bit down mard on the inside of his lip, searching for the right words to say. There was a long pause. He could hear the music coming from Souda’s headphones which now sat on the ground, a quiet bassy buzzing.

“I understand it is something that you cannot help, and-”

“No. That’s where you’re wrong. I can help it. I can just shut down! It’s that easy. Can’t let your thoughts burn a hole in your mind if your mind is on vacation.”

Gundham sighed, he had clearly really hurt Souda’s feelings when he hadn’t intended to. He just wasn’t the best with feelings, and to be honest, with Souda it was a minefield. He insisted more than once that ‘hey, if I’m ever bugging you, just let me know’, but then as soon as Gundham said something he exploded? It seemed unfair, but in hindsight, bouncing a pencil on the table was harmless, and

“Forgive me, my Dark Prince, for I love you so much and it was not my intention to make you self concious or feel…” he paused, unsure of how to procede. “…less than.”

Souda crossed his arms, half-pouting.

“You did though, but it’s fine. Stop apologizing. I know I’m crazy, okay? I know I’m annoying and quite frankly you shouldn’t have to put up with it.”

There was a long silence, again, where they both just sat there.

As he watched the pout fade from Souda’s face, Gundham scooted closer to the other and wrapped his arms around Souda. Tense muscles became loose immediately, and he knew he had the other within reach again.

“I’m sorry.” He said again, reiterating. “I don’t think you’re different, or stupid, or crazy. I hesitate to think you are anything but absolutely incredible. Your mind is amazing, and l adore you.”

“I-

"And I want you to know that you need not keep secrets. You very seldom are an unwelcome presence. If you are not occupying the room I am in, you are certainly occupying my mind.” Gundham finished. Souda let out a long sigh. He brought his hands up, playing gently with the bandages that covered Gundham’s arm.

“English, please?” He asked, his mind still racing, struggling a little bit to parse the other’s ridiculous, drawn out language.

Gundham hesitated for a moment, watching the hands idly play along his bandages. It occured to him that Souda often did that- running his fingers through Gundham’s hair, playing with the pins on his coatsleeve- it had never occured to him that it may be more than just a simple show of affection.

“You are very much wanted, and you are most certainly more than good enough.” Gundham said, hoping he got his point across well enough. Souda smiled and hid his face in the other’s coat, his face red.

“I’m s-” he started, the words muffled.

“Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong, My Love. Why don’t we take a brief hiatus from our studies?”

Souda pulled his face free from the smothering wool of Gundham’s thick coat and smiled, “I’d like that. A lot.” he replied.

[sweetandsavageautistic]

Ready to lose more brain cells, biatches?

People with autism are oblivious when you enter their personal bubble #CMAT344

People with autism are so pure and misunderstood. Having a brother with autism opened my eyes to a lot. I love him so much

i hate how people are so mean to autistic children and people. people with autism are the most kind and loving people you will ever meet. theyre so pure and will love you no matter what. theyre the golden people on this earth.

my heart, people with autism are honestly so pure

People with autism are so pure and misunderstood. Having a brother with autism opened my eyes to a lot.

Autism is not a disease. People with Austim are highly in tune into the spiritual world. They travel the cosmos.

That article also disparages GLBT people. Utter lie, people with autism and low IQ are likely too be spiritual warriors not demons.

I'm sorry but I cannot be friends with people who make fun of kids with down syndrome, autism, etc. There is no need to make fun of people who are pure and so kind hearted towards others. They're human too.

Children and adults with autism are some of the most pure and kind people out there. The stigma around autism has to stop and we here at S.E.E.K. hope to help start that movement. #SentamentalSundays

All of this bugs me, BUT what bugs me most is “vaccines cause autism”. What a hateful disgusting thing. As if to say people who have autism are undesirable. Autism may be a disability but individuals with autism are some of the kindest souls. Too pure for this hate and ignorance

100% YES! If you know a kid with Autism, feel lucky because they are nothing but pure LOVE!!  I worry about my sweet Braiden because of the cruel people in this world..

People with autism are our teachers of freedom, of pure love. #supersouls #autism

We have a lot of friends with #Autism. They are wonderful people with pure loving hearts! True angels.. <3

To me people with autism are true angels on this earth they are just pure and true

People with autism are nothing short of angels and more people desperately need to see that. If you know someone who uses ‘autistic’ as an insult, go set tht crusty mother fucker straight

bro i’m fucking crying. what the hell is wrong with people. these kids are angels  ugh i’m so sad. i have an angel with autism in my life and he couldn’t be more perfect. i’m so mad right now

there’s a special place in hell for this officer. people with autism are literal angels that don’t deserve any pain or harm. ever. this is unacceptable and i’m so fucking mad right now. I’m convinced that people born with an autism spectrum disorder are really just angels sent to teach us the beauty and simplicity of the gift of life.

I work with people with autism this is great. Treat them properly and they sure are angels.

people are so sick these days... DO NOT mess with a human that has autism! they are gods angels. that is so sick.

I think people with down syndrome autism and special needs are like angels they see the best in people and are the kindest people I've met.

I’ve always believed, those born with a disability like autism, schizophrenia the like, are spirits of a higher realm and to experience an earthly experience, they choose the most challenging lives to live. These people are of a higher intelligence and with that, big challenges.

Kids with autism are the purest form of innocence, they are a true blessing to any household

#JosephOfCupertino, d Patron Saint of those with autism, is 1 of my favorite saints; not Bcause 1 ofmyGrandsons has #Autism but Bcause of his childlike innocence & humility (traits of autism) I love this old movie https://goo.gl/U8i2NP  humorously-insightful, suited 4 all ages

@Atypical one of my new favorite shows! The amount of love and innocence and beauty within the relationships in the show depicts really well what life is actually like when you know someone with autism. And damn is it beautiful.

(about a video of someone with down syndrome)

The innocence of people with autism is beautiful

I work with autistic kids and people need to realise that people with autism are some of the nicest people you'll ever meet with a unique sort of innocence.

I find people with Autism to be the cutest things on God’s earth and idk why . The innocence they have about them

Just watched #ForrestGump for the first time in ages, it’s such a #beautiful #film, funny, full of history, fantastic soundtrack and heartbreaking. @tomhanks you are incredible, you seem to capture the beauty and innocence in #autism perfectly (pretty sure there’s nothing that states that Forrest Gump is autistic, though)

Its really sad how people treat people with Autism like they are Less...... they define love.. they have the most beautiful hearts and their innocence is just something wonderful..

We learn so many good things, values from those w/ disABILITY. They're GORGEOUS and BEAUTIFUL on the inside - they have a big HEART, humble, always have that childlike innocence. My grandson w/autism refused to kick in his self-defense class which was paid in full & dropped out.

Oh them eyes xxxx love autism for its innocence darling x

Autism - the keepers of innocence?

Some of the most pure-hearted, loving, intelligent individuals I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, have autism. There is such an innocence exuded that makes me smile inside and outside. They have such gentle, honest hearts, and bring so much joy to everyone around them.

autisum is how everybody should see the world sometimes through innocence and sometimes through truth xxx

Although people with Autism are VERY intelligent, sometimes when people flirt with them, they don’t know what’s happening, which shows their VERY Beautiful innocence at the same time. Just like Shaun was unaware that he was being flirted with. #TheGoodDoctor

Bless him, I love the innocence of autism, Could totally relate to the story as I’m sure you can too.. the world has a lot of hurtful and ignorant people it, nothing more hurtful than seeing your child being left out even if he/she can’t see it themselves

IMO A person should NOT ask a person with Autism to lie. It kills or can kill that Beautiful innocence that's within them. #TheGoodDoctor

We can all learn from the beauty &innocence disseminated from children with Autism. We learn more about life&others through active listening

Hey, you know what’s one word I haven’t looked up in terms of us autistics/disabled people? Trusting.

Special needs people are so trusting, it's scary. Like someone living with Autism will just come and give you a hug.. Just because. So sweet.

People living with autism are always babies at heart and very trusting. So when you abuse any of them, God will punish you. (What the fuck?)

i’m just upset that so many people think autism is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a child. children with autism are amazing and loving and sweet and should be treated like princes and princesses thx

I love people with autism they're so cute and friendly

music is being used to treat autismClinicians in Detroit have seen that for people with autism, music speaks louder than words – and improvised music can help them express emotion effectively, having a nonverbal discussion through music, these are musically naive children.

literally just called me autistic? People with autism are the happiest, most loving and innocent people. You need to stop using people’s disorders as “negative mean name calling”. Lastly go fuck yourself.

These stories are always so heartwarming! Arkansas cops, firefighters surprise teen with #autism at birthday party after only 3 people attend.

Love these heartwarming stories displaying the struggle people with Autism face every day until communities are willing to step in and help support people with Autism! Thank you @DavidMuir for bringing this to your news!

people with autism are really heartwarming people :)

People with autism are so blessed

I wanna give bless to the people and children with autism that are trying to get cure from eating gluten free foods and taking probiotic pills everyday and I will try my best to do everything that I can workout for my family and friends. #AutismAwarenessDay #LightItUpBlue #Autism – at Walt Disney World Resort

As a Mom of a Son with Autism, this warms my heart  so very much that POTUS is shining a light on people on the Spectrum. Bless him!  People with Autism do not have a disability they have a DIFFEREABILITY, they are simply a little different to others in a good way

(is this a try-not-to-cringe challenge? I think I lost.)

Autism is not a disability, it’s a different ability , amazing kid

Many of you are referring to children in the spectrum as light workers. What light has a child with #autism brought into your life?

I don't believe autism is a 'disorder', I believe these people are Light Workers here to awaken us to More beyond.

They say those with autism have a unique way of communicating that average humans do not understand but beings on a higher level will

people with autism are like higher beings. Theyre bodies are here but their consciousness is on another plain

People with Autism Can Engage in Physical Exercises Too Although people with autism are fragile, they can still engage in physical activities.

People with #autism are fragile.

They are the lonely angels. They embrace a colorful world. An art exhibition in Beijing explores the hidden world of autistic people. There are over 12 million people living with autism in China. Know them and care for them.

Ellen, you are an AMAZING ADVOCATE of people in need, children in the autism spectrum are bullied and schools, families need to be reeducate with corrective steps to STOP this, we need mentors that can ASSIST to a better LIFE for this ANGELS. Awareness is not enough!

''People with Autism are angels who lost there way to Heaven and fell down to Earth.'' #autism #aspergers #ASD #autismawareness #autism

I love all of the angels that are among us...especially people with Asperger's, Autism, & Down's Syndrome. Sending love!

People with Autism are Angels in disguise on Earth. #WorldAutismAwarenessDay

We have a lot of friends with #Autism. They are wonderful people with pure loving hearts! True angels.. <3

Do you know what Autism is? — I do! People with Autism are special angels! Its not a down to life, just a reason…

I think people with down syndrome autism and special needs are like angels they see the best in people and are the kindest people I've met.

Kids with Autism are magic! They change lives, bring people together. Show us how special life is. Help us to accept. Angels .

Aw, people with autism are little angels

@Marlyy33 People with autism are the key to unconditional love! Congrats on being the mom of an angel! :)

RESPECT people who are different from you! This includes people with special needs (like autism). Special needs people are God's angels!

happy autism awareness acceptance month! ppl with autism are the most precious people ever and we don't deserve them

Advantage of People with Disabilities: Innocence

people with disabilities doesn't define who they are only shows the innocence and true nature of happiness. RT if you agree

Watching this documentary about people with autism and wow, these people are truly inspirational, really makes you think

[fancyfade]

[image: a post reading "just realized how much Damian and Cass seem to actually be slowly switching. Damian gets the cool tournament arc and the big "Herores don't Kill" while going around being a boss ass martial arts hero and shit. While Cass gets treated like a child, needing her hand held sidelined cause she's not a *real* hero and joking about letting a child be murdered cause it'd make life easier. Wierd. Even then Damian was still treated better when he was ten compared to Cass who should be in her 20s, but I think is supposed to be like 16 or something now" end image]

asd;glkasjdg has whoever the OP Is actually read any of Damian’s early stuff? He was always a badass martial artist. he never had his hand held????  they’re just like extrapolating whatever they think a 10 year old character would be treated like.

and “heroes don’t kill” is a pretty typical hero sentiment and was an important arc he had. again. long ago. the current robin series is actually crap for erasing his development

(Cass also never had a tournament arc her thing was never proving herself to be the best (which Damian wans’t even allowed to do in his arc so IDK why it’s even being brought up?) because it was already assumed she was at the best. her conflict was mostly internal. how can you be a cass fan and not understand this?)

like they are doing cass terribly but it has nothing to do with damian and acting like “Well ACTUALLY Damian should be the one who has this role”. like no. no one should be written like cass is being written right now

Can we please have a “stop blaming everything bad that’s happen to Cassandra on Damian” challenge? Because Cassandra’s stans are becoming almost as annoying as Tim’s stans at this point.

Like this is such a reach and none of this is even true? Damian was never an incapable child that need his hands held and is just now becoming a badass martial artist out of nowhere? He was already a badass martial artist from day one, this isn’t a newly-created concept (also on a side note, we sadly don’t even see him being a good fighter in the Robin book, he’s literally nerfed af and gets his ass beat most of the time) and he’s been following the “heroes don’t kill” rule for over a decade now, again not a new concept.

I don’t like Batgirls (2022) either and you’re right Cassandra’s portrayal is bad in it, but for the millionth time that literally has nothing to do with Damian, his name hasn’t even been mentioned in the comic and I can’t even remember the last time he and Cass interacted with each other? Leave the boy alone already.

[vrsdomx]

??- asexuality, kink, undiagnosed asd, trauma, abuse

I’m asexual and fluctuate w being sex repulsed !!!!!! I’m only ever into it in a Kinky way because I enjoy someone inflicting harm or pain onto me consensually!!! or perhaps it is just self sabotaging!!!!! Degradation! !!! And this is why I am always filled with dread and shame after fucking!!!!! Or anything intimate tbh!!!also, I just like being desired!!!!! And that is the only way I feel desired!!! I also have trust issues!!!! at least w sex there was some kind constant pattern that I could trust in being desired or providing pleasure to the other person!!!! I just allow things to happen!!!! Which!!!! This all just shows I am awful at setting boundaries for myself!!!! But what did you expect from a person brought up by abusive, narcissistic, and emotionally manipulative parents!!! As well as dating a narcissistic abuser!!!!!! And prior having a partner that would gaslight me and be super emotionally unavailable (like my other ex and parents) idk how but I’m going to fix it!!!! Promise 👍 also!!!! I’m sure I have asd :) (my siblings have been diagnosed since they were like toddlers!!!! because idk ??amab ?? Also, I’m sure my parent has it but undiagnosed because they just classified him as having a Schizoaffective disorder!!! !!!! You can have both !!!!! Idk I didn’t study any of this at all! just know people’s diagnoses. I constantly get overlooked because I’m great at masking 🥴🥴🥴 also mirroring people !!! Asd dx makes everything confusing but make sense at the same time! Also I’m trans so my experience w being brought up by society as a “girl” in my childhood+ adolescents had a lot to do with being overlooked as just shy, obedient (because quiet), and just a pretty face😐 honestly that’s all that was ever said so… how I looked and being silent???!! How fucking shallow and rlly just sad. I struggled so much!!!! Felt the need to yell this onto this page because idk where else I would!!

[coshayphinelove]

now that the finale afterglow has faded, i’ve been kind of looking back on the series with a more critical eye than a “PLS DONT LEAVE ME” eye.  

this is by no means the last time i’ll write some kind of long-winded essay, i’m sure i’ll find other things to overthink about on rewatches and as i write more fic, but it is a direct reaction to the finale and the five years i have spent with this show.

in short, the finale was amazing.  it was probably the best finale of any show i have ever seen.  it was satisfying and true to the characters that we had grown to love.  it was realistic insofar that the problems didn’t end with the evil being defeated.  it was bittersweet and made me emotional where i didn’t think the show could anymore.

(although i still haven’t watched the last two episodes of frin/ge so it’s rank may change).

if the rest of the season and the previous two seasons had set it up, it would have been even better.  it is, to this day, my firm opinion that season 1 was the tightest, most well thought out season of television i have ever seen.  like, if you had asked me in season 3 where i thought the finale would be, i would have had such a different answer.  (please do ask me, i have so many thoughts.)

most of my criticisms are on the co-phine/delphine front bc that’s where i’ve curated the most facts, having a few transcripts saved to my computer for ease of access.  and the first thing i have to talk about is the plot holes this season, bc wow, so many.  like, delphine was only there when it was convenient.  that much was clear.  

like she only helped siobhan bc there needed to be a good guy survivor to tell the rest about what happened.  she was only invited to the big house so cosima could invite herself along.  she was only put in the dress so that cosima could be in the suit so that the pr team could tease a wedding.

and she was only in the final clone scene to reinforce that ‘’we can trust her now guys’’.  like she and cosima never talked about anything.  not the shay snafu in season 3, not the lying, not the spying, not the secrets.  which are really big things.  and i’m not saying it had to be 45 minutes of therapy jargon but i am saying that they should’ve said... ‘sorry’ or explained what happened and where they were coming from.  bc to this day i don’t actually know why delphine did what she did in season 3.  what happened in frankfurt?  why did she threaten shay like that instead of just asking?  why was she suddenly working for topside?  none of that ever gets mentioned after it happens.

and as much as the sarah hug helps me with my sarcoshayphine struggles, they hadn’t spoken since ‘piss off delphine.’  how did they get from there to hugging?  ‘we’re doing all of this on account of bloody delphine?’ to soft hugs and kind words?  like yeah, it fit and it worked and it was touching.  but when you think about it, it kind of dissolves.  which is kinda fitting for a lot of the plot this season.

and to me, that left this season of c0p/hine feeling kind of empty.  we reused the ‘can we trust delphine’ plot.  we reused the ‘delphine’s off in a foreign country and therefore unreachable’ plot (eighty times this season, right?).  i still stand by my point that in season 4 she could have been in hiding, having driven off into the sunset to do mrs. s’s bidding.  like they could’ve had delphine funneling info for all of season 4 through mk/siobhan completely off screen.  but she just.. did nothing for all of season 4.  right.  boss ass bitch corporate delphine just... sat around getting told what to do... sure..

or in 5x09 she could have just been around the corner at the grocery store rather than france.  and why even bring that up if you’re never going to do anything with it?  she went home right when cosima would’ve needed her and she was free to be there for her?  what the hell?  and there was no setup for it either.  one second they’re ‘on the precipice of doing anything they want’ and the next delphine went home?  without cosima before the fight is over?  like, season 2 delphine would’ve been doing The Most: cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, chores, snuggles, etc etc.  but instead she hears the news and hops on the first plane out of the country?

like you guys do realize they didn’t say ‘i love you’ this season at all, right?  delphine is ‘motivated by love’ but she doesn’t say it at every possible opportunity?  cosima thought she was dead, but doesn’t blurt it out the first time she sees her after waking up?  like fuck a sex scene, normalize wlw couples saying ‘i love you’ to each other first.

idk...  i know there were scheduling conflicts and i know they had to keep rewriting as the schedule got rearranged, but come on.  i can, right now, change a few key scenes that do something for both cosima and delphine’s character, that keeps them both active and doesn’t just ignore 3 seasons of characterization.

which is another point.  there was so much they could have done with delphine’s character.  not just this season, but for a while.  instead of like.. idk following up on the threads they presented (affair with l**kie, changing sides, the girl who slit her wrists which was implied to be delphine herself, seeming to be worth shooting and kidnapping and nursing to back to health to neolution, what she was doing before cosima got there, what she did in geneva, etc etc) they only brought her back to kiss cosima.  like bottom line.  like, she didn’t really do anything active that someone else wasn’t doing elsewhere except warn siobhan about kira.  which they didn’t even listen to her about.

and several times they referred to her as a lesbian when in 1x08 she clearly and fully called herself bisexual.  and they shot her.  for being in love with cosima.  regardless of what they have recently said about ‘knowing about byg and always intending to bring her back’ they... still did it.  and right afterwards said some really gross stuff about fans who were upset about it.  i don’t really remember all of it, but i do distinctly remember the word ‘reductive’ used to say that fans were reducing her to her sexuality and that was the real problem.  which... see the above several paragraphs.  pot, kettle.  kettle, pot.  (i have separate thoughts on the season 3 debacle..)

which brings me to my main thought.  i think they were too hyperaware of the fandom.  they tried to roll with the scheduling conflicts and make a nice new shiny ship for us.  but when there were complaints (*cough* hate *cough*) thrown at creators/cast over it they waffled and changed their minds.  which then led to a shay shaped plot hole.  also a shay shaped hole in my heart.

and i think someone around season 1 told them they were being progressive and they just... didn’t try to learn new things?  idk how to phrase this.  like season 1 was genuinely feminist.  and the fact that they saw this story unfolding from a female perspective was incredible.  and sarah’s storyline throughout the seasons was incredibly feminist.  and the fact that they thought to include characters of genders other than cis and sexualities other than straight was fantastic.  but after they got a pat on the back for being progressive, they stopped actively trying to call themselves out.  they were like, ‘yes i am progressive and feminist therefore everything i produce is good without a second check.’

but this past season was all about petey and the clones were only used to further reinforce his evilness.  and felix was more active than sarah, the protagonist.  and tony actually got mentioned but he never actually showed up.  and their ‘stand-in for the patriarchy’ got to violently murder two women (of two different underrepresented minorities, ASD and middle aged) while going back and abusing another woman (and praising him and saying he actually loved her!!!!).  and their lesbian character centric episode was primarily focused on her romantic entanglements rather than, say, her and her character.  (which i’ve been learning is actually kind of a problem in the wlw community, is losing yourself to new relationship energy and they could’ve actually taken a stance on this and said something important, but... anyway..)

and the creators were touting this as the most feminist season ever.

...

like okay.  by walking0 de..ad and game- of9 thro///nes standards it is.  but what they said in interviews and what they put on the screen did not match up.  and i think that’s my main problem.  like when i turn on my tv i generally turn off my feminism eyes and my lgbt rep wants.  bc i generally know that not every show is going to be perfect and as long as it’s not like last man standing then i can tolerate it.  but season 1 and their interview presence just got my hopes up.  and they just didn’t deliver on their promises, imo.

and that wouldn’t be so bad, but they were so close, like this close!!  you can’t see my fingers rn, but they’re almost touching...  like they had the perfect setup, a meatball straight down the plate, just begging to be a home run, but they shanked it to right field and got stopped at second base.

like implying in interviews that some characters are nonbinary or confirming characters sexualities is really cool!!! i used to be a r//izzl//es fan, i know how awful it is when cast/creators genuinely don’t want you in their fandom.  getting a confirmation is super cool.... but technically it’s not canon, it’s not In The Show.  like it’s not untrue either, it’s not not canon.  but being Progressive and Feminist and Positive LGBT Rep would’ve been.. idk saying it on the show, in the character’s own words?  bc i can go anywhere and get coded representation, i can go back to the fifties and watch stuff with thinly veiled metaphors and small little nudges in the confirmation direction.  it’s not something you get to pat yourself on the back for.

like, imo 1x08 was probably the best handled lgbt scene.  like delphine stated her identity.  and cosima just went along with it.  and they got to talk candidly about it.  they said ‘gay’ and ‘bisexual’ in the same scene.  like??!!?!??!?! that was amazing.  but for some reason they couldn’t do that for sarah, or felix.  or let tony talk about being trans rather than having it be a hushed whispered conversation between two (then believed to be) cis people without him.

and it was just so frustrating to me, as a viewer, knowing what they meant and seeing what they put out there.  

bc they are two different things.  i can say whatever i want about this post, but at the end of the day it is just a grammatically incorrect, rambling, walk-about way of saying i have insomnia and was thinking about this enough to try and organize my thoughts.  the creators can say whatever they want about the show, but eventually those interviews and those panels will get buried in the internet and all that will stand is their product.  which doesn’t have confirmations of those themes within it.

like i’m forever going to love the show and i’m always going to go back and rewatch.  it’s always going to be an influence on my writing.  it’s just not... me trying to replicate and be like this show it’s trying not to make the same mistakes.  which is kinda sad, bc it used to be the other way.  

and at the end of the day it is feminist.  like it’s about women told from a women’s perspective about allegories for womens’ issues.  it’s just not by women so it missed the mark.  same goes for the lgbt stuff.  it is progressive that they thought to include it, but the stories they ended up telling were closer to the older stuff than what they thought.  

i just wish they had brought in a third showrunner that was a woman and had lgbt writers come in to tell the lgbt stories.  that doesn’t mean that it would’ve automatically been 100% Unproblematic™ but i think it would have been a lot closer to what they had promised.

anyway, i miss it already.

[jackymedan]

Tagged by @thisisteal

RULES: Tell your followers 11 random facts about yourself, and tag 11 people in return! Tag backs are allowed, but you mustn’t repeat any of the facts you mentioned previously! The facts can be absolutely anything! Whatever springs to mind!

If I had been a boy at birth my name would have been Robin.. since that didn’t happen I was named Miranda after a random girl who was an assistent at a dutch game show about animals (whenever someone scored a point they’d get a little monkey plushie and she’d be the one who brought them to the contestants.. or so I’ve heard.. I have seen the show in question since it continued to exist into my early childhood but I think Miranda might have been replaced by that point so idk if I’ve ever actually seen my namesake)

I’ve been a vegetarian for a little over 10 years now

I’ve never drunk a single glass of alcohol in my life (I’m 26, the legal drinking age used to be 16 here, they changed it to 18 when I was in my 20s) and I intend to keep it that way.. it has just never appealed to me in any way (same goes for smoking and drugs etc.) and it smells gross (especially beer and wine).. also being drunk honestly doesn’t sound appealing to me either.. the only context I tolerate drunk people is in fanfic tbh..

The only time I’ve been abroad longer than a day and spent the night there was when I went to Paris for 4 days with my best friend back in the summer of 2015.. before that I had only left my country once on a school trip to Germany for one afternoon.. I’ve never been on or near and airplane and am scared af of the entire concept of flying (I was actually supposed to go to Greece for a week as a mandatory school trip too, but I managed to convince the dean to let me stay at home because they would be flying and I was NOT going on that plane.. also having psoriasis and being vegetarian and some other issues I had made me not want to go either)

I’ve only owned a smartphone for less than 2 years.. before that I hated/avoided anything with a touch screen (with the exception of the original nintendo ds) and stubbornly held on to my basic af nokia phone (which I still own and use as alarm clock sometimes).. I kind of hate how fast technology changes and evolves in general.. I don’t deal well with change and it all goes way too fast for me to adapt, so I usually hide under a rock hissing at the New Scary Things for at least 3 years..

I have a weird fascination with the 1960s (and a little bit of the 70s as well).. the fashion, interior design, tv shows, movies, music, pop culture etc. of that time just really appeals to me.. it’s kind of like I was born a couple of centuries too late (see also the point above)

as a kid I had some really weird/fucked up delusions going on that really kind of fucked me up for a while and resulted in my parents not allowing me to watch dragonball z anymore for a while because for instance I was worried something/someone with the same power as captain ginyu had taken over control of my mom and my mom was now in the body of either a cat or an ant I’m not sure which one it was.. also I thought that if I passed a pole or a street lantern or something like that on a different side than someone else I was with we’d both end up on seperate/different dimensions? ??????? I had issues..

I’ve always grown up around cats, we used to have 2 cats that were literally older than me, so I’ve hardly ever lived in a cat-free house (only for a short while after the last of our original 3 cats had died and before we got a new one).. otoh we only got a dog (my mom wanted one) maybe 6 years ago idk.. and even though it’s a small one that doesn’t really know very well how to dog, it was really weird for me in the beginning.. I’m fine with that particular dog now but I get kind of anxious by large overenthusiastic dogs especially if they’re wet and running towards me.. I don’t like to be trampled over :\\

I legit kind of like spiders and they p much only scare me when they show up somewhere unexpected so it’s just the initial shock response to something being there, but then I calm down when I see it’s just a spider.. and then I get a jar and put it outside.. (granted this would probably be different if I didn’t live in the netherlands since there literally aren’t any spiders here that can seriously harm/kill a human being.. or at least not naturally out in the wild)

I’ve lived in the same house in the same city/town my entire life.. I’ve also had the same room and bed my entire life (the room did get expanded at some point and I’ve moved things around but I’ve had this colour paint on my wall since childhood.. it was supposed to be a jungle-themed room which is why there’s a painting of a toucan in a tree next to my bed)

I have adhd inattentive type and asd, both of which I wasn’t diagnosed with until after I became an adult, the latter only a few months ago (apparently I was too quiet and non-disruptive as a child for people to even consider I could have those things)

[a-cute-lyautistic]

This is why im ditching my 'therapist' :( she keeps hitting me with "well you only have multiple anxiety and depressive disorders, maybe a personality disorder(not a REAL one tho) and 'a touch of aspergers, maybe'(NOT REAL AUTISM!!) so youre not ~mentally ill~ you're just quirky and sad. Only mentally ill if ur psychotic or have a REAL personality disorder[bipolar]." - brackets are her opinions she told me.

I'm sick of needing code words and having to dance around my issues because PEOPLE WONT LET ME USE THE PROPER/MY PREFERRED WORDS. I'm not kinda sad sometimes, I HAVE DOUBLE DEPRESSION DO U KNO WHAT THAT MEANS?????

AND, and you guys, SHE HASNT BOTHERED TO READ THE DSM 5. SHE DIDNT ORDER IT BECAUSE 'SHE DOESNT DIAGNOSE PEOPLE' AND 'THE ONLY CHANGES WERE CULTURAL ANYWAY'???????? WHAT THE NEUROTYPICAL FUCK DOES THAT MEAN.

THERE ARE IMPORTANT CHANGES!!! THERE ARE WHOLE NEW DIAGNOSES IN THAT SHIT!!!!! HOLY FUCK???

So of course i told her abt the relevant ASD changes - namely ASPERGERS NO LONGER BEING A SEPERATE DIAGNOSIS because it's a SPECTRUM disorder, why divide the spectrum arbitrarily? To which she rolled her eyes(!!!!) and said something along the lines of "well, maybe, but there's asperger's, and then there's ~AUTISM~. Have you worked with autistic children before??" Which just.... wow i was pissed.

So she knows she's working on old information and her OWN DAMN OPINIONS but she doesnt care?? I really wish she had just told me she wasnt qualified to help me when she read my assessment report w/ my pro diagnoses. Like i just want someone to meet me where i am NOW and work with me.

Bonus: i specifically brought up how others, especially medical professionals, seem to misunderstand what i tell them and we end up miscomminicating or something?? Idk. BUT! Instead of like, ASKING me how she's doing, she just TOLD me that she "thinks she understands me really well"! BITCH U DONT!! KNOW ANYTHING!! WE'VE HAD LIKE FOUR SESSIONS!!??!?! So yeah... im dumping her.

How i talk and think about myself is important to me. Ive gone far too long and worked too hard to keep allowing people to police my self image!!! And im tired of people assuming my reasons for doing x when ive TOLD them i do things differently but they dont believe me or care!!!

When I say, “My anxiety is acting up,” I’m really saying, “There’s no reason to be afraid. It’s just my disorder talking, and I can do something to calm down.” It’s positive.

When I say, “My depression is bad today,” I’m really saying, “I’m not worthless and I don’t deserve to die or give up. It’s just my disorder talking, and I should get up and look for what’s good about today.” It’s positive.

When I say, “My ADHD means my brain is wired differently,” I’m really saying, “I’m not a stupid piece of shit who will amount to nothing. It’s just that my brain needs help making certain connections and chemicals, and with certain processes, and there are lots of things I can try to work with it instead of against it.” It’s positive.

Talking about and accepting my disorders is the most radically positive thing I can do. It isn’t pessimism; it’s optimism. It isn’t defeatism; it’s hope. It’s direction, and action, and learning to regain control of my life.

So I don’t give a fuck if it annoys you or makes you uncomfortable. I don’t care if you think I need to think of myself as “more than my disorders”. Because I don’t think that having disorders makes me lesser. And I’m not going to silence myself because you disagree.

You’re fucking wrong, and I won’t let my own silence be the death of me.