#idk who wrote that last one but
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I'm back home and I've been here 1 full day and honest to God make it all end already please. I hate how I feel. I hate the paranoia, I hate everyone's attitude stop being nonchalant.
#more ppl need to drink and tell the truth cos I'm tired of this middle ground where i dont know where i stand w u#for gods sake just say u have other hoes u like more#idk who wrote that last one but#ive been going thru it#and i feel like I'm so great at garnering attention thru sympathy but ive been so sick its just sad
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j-fashion girls!
my approximation (i didn't use a single real piece of clothing as far as i'm aware but i'm sure jirou's fishnets are real somewhere out there):
jirou - visual kei ashido - kuro gyaru yaoyorozu - jirai kei hagakure - pink decora asui - mori kei uraraka - jojifuku
#bnha#boku no hero academia#mha#my hero academia#mha fanart#jirou kyouka#kyouka jirou#ashido mina#mina ashido#yaoyorozu momo#momo yaoyorozu#hagakure tooru#tooru hagakure#asui tsuyu#tsuyu asui#uraraka ochako#ochako uraraka#class 1-a#lychee's trash art#i drew this over the course of one and a half days…#my eye for fashion is dogshit but hopefully they look okay#sorry if this is your aesthetic and i slandered it#in other news i forgot that i wrote 30k of fic & outline last week alone in favor of making this#should i make more? who what why idk lol let me know
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Something something it's a metaphor. Hair as a form of communication but also as passage of time and also as a way for letting people in and also as a detail etc etc you get it
Actual explanation in the tags btw
I'm really nervous about this comic actually, is not the best. It doesn't make sense, and the art is mid, but I put love in it and I think that's enough
#sbg#sbg (webtoon)#aiden clark#aiden sbg#ashlyn sbg#ben clark#ben sbg#logan sbg#taylor sbg#tyler sbg#school bus graveyard#hey full pages#hey its a comic oh my god its a comic#hi hi hi#really nervous about this thing actually becuase its not very good but i have mkre content lined up#so i dont mind one shitty thing breaking contaiment#metaphors about hair and about allowing people in via innocuous mundane things#watch canon explain the hair color thing and watch me cry about it#the concept is actually not communicated alright#so ill put it here#Roots as in finding his place with these people#because even if theyre running for their lives all the time#they are friends yk? and he loves them#across the comic you can see so clearly that Aiden loves every single one of them and that to someone who travels a lot and probably#struggles emotionally the act of “putting down roots” must be hard#so his hair here is a representation of his roots growing deep into the people he loves and the things they do together#and the last dialogue is meant as a way to let THEM see that he trusts them#but idk i wrote it but i dont know what im talking about#make your own interpretation i think thats more fun#berry art
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really love how throughout a lot of smith and jones martha is really skeptical and apprehensive towards ten (+ one of my favorite exchanges between them - "what, people call you 'the doctor'?" "yeah?" "well, i'm not. far as i'm concerned, you've got to earn that title."), not taking everything he says at face value, even doubting the fact he's an alien until over halfway through the episode.. And like. i really truly think the thing that wins her over isn't him kissing her or any of the other insane mixed messages he manages to send, it's this scene here, where he /earns that title/ in her eyes:
(+ david's bit in the commentary, where he says: "[the doctor] has actually sacrificed himself, and - i would say, that that final act of selflessness is what finally, eventually, welds martha to him. [...] and she now returns it. she returns that act of selflessness.")
this is what their relationship is built on. it isn't about martha being the second-best replacement to rose or a rebound or whatever. bc it isn't really about rose. it's about doctor-in-training martha meeting someone (quite literally, "the doctor") whose ideals she aspires to, and doing her best to be the same person to him as he is to everyone else. it's about ten in return admiring her intelligence and inquisitiveness and how she cares for human life, recovering his compassion, letting himself lean on her for support - and then remembering at the most inopportune moments that he's supposed to not need anyone and be on his own forever. And around in their little nightmare loop they go where they save each other over and over until one of them breaks
i've seen ppl look at martha and go "why she does she admire/why is she so in love with ten if he acts like that to her?" or something along those lines and like. it's not just the fact she's in love with him (in fact i'd argue she actively tries to push it aside post-gridlock). it's the fact that she knows he's the kind of person to put everyone else's lives/well-being over his own. she trusts him to save her when she's in trouble even though it's been like two days at most that they've known one another bc she recognizes that same "deep all-encompassing drive to help others" in him. and she also recognizes, much much earlier than him, that he needs someone to save him, especially when he's unwilling to save himself. and yeah for a bit she thinks he returns her feelings and is just playing hard-to-get, but she realizes pretty early on that this probably isn't the case, and i think that realization fully solidifies here:
(this is when she's listening to ten talk abt gallifrey). And idk it might just be me but i think this expression isn't just her empathizing with his loss. it's also guilt, for wanting something from him that he's clearly unable to give when he's wracked with so much grief. (and you see it in the next episode, where tallulah asks if they're together and martha says for certain that they're not, and that he doesn't know about her feelings for him. she keeps everything to herself bc she now knows that when he shut her flirting down at the end of 3x01 it was the genuine reaction of someone who a) isn't interested and b) is scared of getting close with someone else again)
freema described their dynamic as "she's keener than him" and i think about this all the time. martha doesn't really take what ten throws at her. what she does instead is constantly poke holes in his already-failing front of "i will show someone the wonders of the universe so i can ignore what is wrong with me". what she does is stand up and fight him when he tries to go off on his own. what she does is put aside her well-being in favor of helping someone - just like what she saw him do for the people in the hospital when they first met. tldr, that's the doctor and his doctor and rip martha you would've loved who's gonna save u now by rina sawayama
#THIS ISNT ABOUT ROSE WE CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT WHITE GIRL FOR 1 SECOND. IDC#ALL SHE DOES W REGARDS TO MARTHA IS REMIND HER THAT TEN ISNT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE W HER.#ALL SHE DOES W REGARDS TO TEN IS REMIND HIM THAT EVERY TIME HE LOVES SOMEONE HES FATED TO LOSE THEM. WE CAN IGNORE HER PAST THIS. GBLESS#martha jones#tenth doctor#dr who#ten and martha#'theyre like a rebound' shooting you with my laser eyes sorry. martha says it when she still thinks he's taking her on dates#if he hadn't opened up about gallifrey she would've been totally fine w him taking her back home#and meanwhile ten is very unaware of any kind of romantic element until like the fuckinn. last possible moment lmfao#they are doctor and mentally unstable bus driver. Or perhaps grieving man (genderneutral) and their One (1) friend that has to support them#um idk what this post is. i wanted to pick apart martha's brain for a hot second.#edit:#it's not like 5 am and i'm reading these tags and they're a lot more mean than i meant to put them down as#Not changing them bc i already wrote so much it's out there in the world already sorry. just imagine i'm saying this all nicely#10 era
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little story about little Eddie and his 2 new friends | word count approx 2.5k | general audience rating | steve and eddie are kids and Wayne is a pushover
Wayne sometimes thinks it was a mistake, not taking in the boy. God no, he would never think of Eddie as anything other than an important and intrinsic part of his life, couldn't be without him, wouldn't want to be.
No, what Wayne worries about is how his readiness to help Eddie feel loved might contribute to the boy's difficulty in making friends.
It was an innocent enough request, Eddie asked for a pet as all young children do. He was so small and so wide eyed, just a scrap of an 8 year old with more feelings than he knew what to do with. Wayne knew he'd never hold up against any request Eddie made but he liked to pretend to himself that he could. And while technically he never pandered to the boy, yes Eddie usually got what he wanted but in a way that suited their means. Or so Wayne tells himself.
8 year old Eddie asked for a pet and a pet is what he got.
-
Eddie barrelled into the trailer door, backpack swinging off his arm and ready to be thrown into the corner. Planning to shoot off back out the door to do his usual; lift up rocks and inspect whatever bugs he could find, to grab sticks and imagine them as wizard staffs, to let his imagination finally run wild after hours of sitting still at a desk under too bright lights and too busy class rooms. In truth he wasn't really paying attention to the insides of the trailer, expecting it to be the same as always. It took a very pointed cough for Eddie to register that Wayne was unusually home from work, far earlier than normal, and a further loud clearing of the throat for Eddie to pay attention to what Wayne had placed on the kitchen table.
Right in the middle of the table, sitting in a beam of sunlight, was a cage and in that cage was what would soon become, Eddie's very reason for being. He crept up close, almost as if scared that any sudden movements would prove the whole thing to be a cruel illusion. He was brought out of his reverie by a pink nose wiggling at the bars, whiskers attached and twitching as the rest of the rat appeared.
'is he-? is he for real?' Eddie said with a gasp, hands inching towards the door of the cage.
Wayne had to suppress a laugh, trust this boy to be bowled over in wonder at a rat as if it were a puppy. He opened the contraption of the enclosure door and dipped his hand inside, allowing the rat to climb onto his palm. The guy from work assured him that this one was the most tame he had, inquisitive to a fault and oddly enough, desperate to be handled. Quite honestly, the perfect match for his well meaning but excitable nephew-near-enough-son.
'Yeah, yeah kid it's for real. And he's a she.' Wayne lets the rat sniff at Eddie's hands, little pink hands finding a platform on Eddie's palms, clearly holding himself a still as possible but if Wayne knew this boy, and he did, he knows that Eddie is so close to vibrating out of his skin, that containing that much excitement must be killing him.
'I don't care. Wayne, I don't! Can she sleep in my room? Does she know tricks? Can I teach her? What does she like? Can I take her to school? Please! Wayne!' He's started now, words pouring out of his mouth, tripping over himself to try and release every thought entering his brain at lightning speed.
'Woah, there' Wayne says pulling the rat up, cradling it in two hands, 'We got to be kind to her alright? She's only small. Doesn't know what loud noises are good and which are bad, okay?' He watches as Eddie nods vigorously, eyes never leaving the creature. 'Now you promised me you'd look after a pet so that's what's going to happen. She is your responsibility. That means cleaning, feeding and loving, got it?' Eddie nods again, tentatively reaching his hands up, the image of Oliver Twist springs to Wayne's mind.
Wayne comes around the kitchen table, crouches down to Eddie on creaky knees and hands the rat over, filling Eddie's small hands with a heartbeat and fur. Eddie giggles, watching as the rat surveils the new patch of skin its found itself on.
'Tickles, Wayne' and its said with such love and devotion Wayne almost feels his heart break
'Yeah son. She does, doesn't she?'
-
Of course it takes less than a week and Eddie and Sam are inseparable. As soon as Eddie gets home he's itching for his furry friend, delighting in the way she scampers around the room, over his arms and anywhere she can get. No matter what though, she always comes back to him. She can be digging in to a particularly interesting crevice behind the couch but she'll always come running back when she hears Eddie make a noise.
The thing is, Eddie is a pretty lonely kid. Not for lack of trying, don't get it wrong. Eddie tries to socialise he tries to talk to the other kids in his class, get them involved in his imaginary games and play pretend but being the new kid doesn't really do him any favours. Being the new kid that lives in the trailer park and a penchant for biting to show affection does him even less.
To Eddie, its him and Sam against the world. He can come home and know that his best friend will listen to all his problems, will stay close and won't run away even when he's extra loud or being 'a lot' as his teacher like to tell him. He's so tired of being told to use his 'quiet hands', his 'inside voice' and every other subdued phrase they try to press on him.
This particular day was a hard one, Sally Winters had said that Eddie was 'bad luck' and the word quickly spread around by recess. Eddie had thought he was making some progress with a couple of kids from the class, was thinking today might be the day that he finally got asked to play but that hope quickly got squashed. He had hopped up to the potential friends with a stick in his hand and a notion of being a pirate when they both looked at him like he was a monster, they couldn't get away fast enough. And Eddie couldn't find a place to hide quick enough before the fat and heavy tears fell from his eyes.
It was a long day and home time was his only saving grace.
Wayne knows somethings up, can tell in the way that Eddie isn't even really talking to Sam, hardly looking at the Tv despite the fact that Wayne very purposefully had put the cartoon Lord of the Rings movie on. The sure fire fall back he liked to keep in his back pocket. The trump card to get his kid happy. This time though? No luck. Looking at the kid makes a chasm open up in his gut, deep and full of overwhelming sadness that he just wants to stop, wants to find the solution to make this boy smile like the sun again. They don't talk much for the rest of the night but Wayne makes sure to stay close, stay awake in case he's needed. Eddie spends the time between dinner and bed sitting on the floor, side pressed up against Wayne's leg and playing fetch with bits of Wayne's whittling with Sam, not a word said.
-
Eddie wakes up the next morning with a plan and a devil may care attitude. Oh so carefully he maintains his usual routine; says good morning to Sam, carts her around the trailer as he washes his face and wanders into the kitchen, placing her in her secondary cage so she can eat breakfast with Eddie and Wayne - Eddie was adamant that they couldn't have meals without her, 'she's part of the family!' and soft hearted fool Wayne Munson agreed and an additional cage was sourced.
When breakfast is finished Eddie begins his usual rigmarole of dragging his feet to get out of his pjs and into his clothes, reluctant to grab his bag and go out the door. Same old protests as Wayne watches him walk out towards the school bus.
What is a new addition to the routine though, is Sam Munson hiding up the sleeve of a school boy and about to go on a secret and very dangerous mission. A mission to survive the school day.
Surprisingly, Eddie manages to keep Sam secret, keep her safe, the whole morning. He came prepared with snacks to make sure she was entertained and happy, he couldn't stand the thought of her being sad, her eyes get so big and her tail droops as well as her ears, it makes the whole of Eddie ache. But no, she's happy, or happy enough at least.
So the morning goes without a hitch, Eddie making noises to cover up any squeaks and keeping a hand in his pocket to reassure Sam, stowed in the pocket of his hoodie. He knows he's seen as 'weird' so what's a few extra noises? They are let out for recess and Eddie breathes a sigh of relief, thinking this is his time to let Sam out, knowing she's desperate for some fresh air. Sure, she's peed in his hoodie pocket, but he can't really tell with it's dark colour and the layer of t-shirt between the wet material and his tummy.
He runs off to his usual corner, stuck between a bush and a tree and gently tips Sam out of his pocket, she scampers around his feet and gratefully accepts a broken off bit of cracker between her hands.
'Thanks for coming with me Sam. Everyone is so mean, its so stupid. I don't care. You are a better friend than any of those losers' He crouches down, hoping to find a twig to play fetch with. A game that he delights in, is immeasurably proud of her for learning it so quickly. 'Gonna find you the best stick Sam. Promise. Best stick for the best friend'
He continues muttering to himself and doesn't notice that he's getting progressively louder after finding a twig and beginning the game. Doesn't register that he's drawn unwanted attention with his happy shouts and encouragement until a body is crashing through the shrub he's hidden himself behind.
Sam doesn't notice either until the unexpected form is right in front of her and she bolts, running as fast as her legs will carry her and Eddie is right behind her, muttering under his breath as he trips over his own feet in an attempt to catch her 'oh shit oh no oh no oh no' He's pushing himself as hard as he can but it doesn't count for much, he never was the fastest. He keeps trying though but then a faster body is accelrating past him, in a evident bee line for Sam.
Without thinking, Eddie lets out a painful 'NO!' terrified of what might happen.
He knows people think rats are dirty, thinks they don't deserve love and don't deserve life. He doesn't want to imagine what this person's intent might be. Sam reaches a dead end up against the wall of the school and the body, the boy, stops infront of her. Scoops her up? Cradles her into his chest? Eddie...Eddie doesn't know what to think, he's prepared to fight this kid but then the boy is looking up at him with curious hazel eyes. Stroking Sam's head gently and with intent.
He holds Sam out, careful with his motions, trying to blow his brown floppy hair out of his face without disturbing the animal in his hands 'is she okay? is she yours? did I hurt her? she looks okay, is she?' Eddie gingerly steps forward and plucks Sam out of the boys hands, gives hera thorough inspection as the other boy continues
'I didn't mean to scare her I swear! I didn't even know you had her! I won't tell, I swear I wont! You know...you shouldn't really have a rat in school. If I promise not to tell can I play with you? I'm Steve'
Holding her close, Eddie squints at the boy, at Steve, and thinks. Thinks about how he looks nice, about how soft his hair looks and how he asked Eddie, Eddie!, to play, that he didn't give him a wide bearth and that he held Sam with such care. It isn't even a hard decision.
They spend the rest of recess together. Eddie shows Steve just how smart Sam. That she can play fetch, that she can run across one arm to the next, over your shoulders without losing balance. That she can twitch her whiskers and it seems like she's laughing at the joke Eddie tells her. That she laughs at the joke Steve tells her! Steve learns that she's named after somebody called Samwise and it doesn't matter that he's a boy because Sam is brave just like Samwise and smart and cares just as much. That Sam is Sam and Eddie is Frodo and together they can take on the world.
Steve asks if he can have a name too and Eddie calls him Legolas, doesn't tell him why. Doesn't say that Steve reminds him of the pretty elves described in the books Wayne reads out loud to Eddie. It doesn't matter, not really.
Recess ends and they shuffle back to the school doors, both of them lagging behind the others.
Eddie steels himself, knows he has to bring his misfortune up so that he can own in, so that his new friend doesn't find out from someone else. 'I'm bad luck you know. Sally...she said it. now everyone wont talk to me. I wont be mad if you don't either. I've got Sam. We'll be oaky! So you can just go, I don't care!' He knows he's getting wound up, he can't stop himself. He just wants the bandaid ripped off so he can start feeling sad quicker, get it over with sooner.
Before he can register is, Steve is wrapped around Eddie in a flash of a hug, careful to keep his tummy away from squashing Sam.
'Not bad luck to me. See you tomorrow Frodo' Steve whispers next to Eddie's ear and shuffles through the school door.
Eddie is in a daze of joy and happiness, thoughts rumbling through his head but none of them sticking as he journey back into his class room. Pure happiness radiating out of his body, he takes Sam out of his pocket and holds her up to his face 'Sam you made my bad luck go away!' kissing her on the forehead as he hears his teacher scream
'EDWARD MUNSON IS THAT A RAT?!'
-
So Wayne thought the already unpopular kid having a rat would make things worse. Turns out, he was wrong. Very, very wrong. He might have to start pocket inspections before school though.
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also on ao3 if that's the preferred reading format for you
#steve harrington#eddie munson#steddie#wayne munson#stranger things#hello is this thing on? hi ummm so i didn't think i'd write again for a very long time if ever#but choco mentioned rat boy eddie and idk this sprang forth#and i KNOW okay i KNOW its rusty and not good but i finally just wrote!! i wrote because i wanted to!! and i had FUN!!! IT DIDN'T FEEL#FORCED OR PAINFUL!!!!!#anyway i am half thinking of a part 2 but who knows maybe possible maybe not#either way it is a relief to know that i can actually have fun writing and not feel like i owe something to someone!!!!#its like when i startd back in the summer of last year!!!!!#idk man its silly and these tags are silly but i had fun and creating is fun and i missed having fun WITH it#probably wont write again for a while but thats OKAY!!!!#thank you anyone who reads this and any one who has ever been nice about my silly words#choco shout out to the jestie#okay okay sorry GBYE
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ok, so i just listened to "loom" by imagine dragons, and i'm sorry but i only like three and a half song
#i get it it's experimental but honestly this album is so weird#like first of all why does it only have nine songs?#second of all first half of this album is a trash#i'm sorry but that's how i feel#and they used to be my favourite band but i just have to be honest i don't like the new sound#first song that i actually genuinely liked was in your corner#then gods don't pray because dan's voice sounds really amazing in this one and i love the production#and don't forget me made me cry#especially the “i miss you when you're gone so i wrote you one last song”#we all know who this is about#fire in these hills is also good when it comes to the lyrics and i love the voice crack when he sings “i don't think that i'm strong enough”#and i love the bridge because the production reminds me so much of their old songs#BUT overall i don't like production on this track that much that's why i said previously that i only liked three and a half song#idk#i know nobody asked for this but i wanted to write it anyway so#sorry for being a hater#they used to be my whole world but#things change i guess#imagine dragons#loom#but sincerely can you hear me?*
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I read the shit I wrote yesterday and like. Dude this is Weird
#like I wrote that that was my hands that typed that gay shit#im. I don’t think it even fits the theme I could change a few things to make it more on theme ig??? but idk im probably not gonna post it#probably. im not sure I don’t know#no one elseis gonna write it I guess. I think. I don’t know#again nothing even happens they just talk about it but it’s still Weird#idk smth smth sex as just a topic or something that’s happening from different perspectives who like it more or less than the other is an#interesting thing to think about#there was a book I read for English last year called smth like ‘beautiful world’ or smth by ocean vuong. I definitely spelled that wrong#and that topic came up a few times and how he explained it was really interesting#he was gay in the like 90s or 80s and they had to keep their relationship a secret and shit idk it was cool it was interesting to think abt#like it can be used as a topic the same way a fight could or a walk in the woods is#also im like a grey ace so im definitely seeing just that whole topic in general as like. idk smth that isn’t real like how you’d talk about#a dragon or smth like it’s talked about a lot and you see it in media and shit but you know it’ll never happen to you/you won’t actually see#it yourself#cod I talk a lot
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i don't really mean to ruin your day, but like (not proofread),
made sleepy by unforgiving winters and a population of people who were only young, once, the carnival reminds modern!ellie’s small wyoming town of what it’s like to be youthful, and alive.
tellingly so, people in her town consider this the happiest event of the year. but if it’s just between ellie and god, the significance of multicolored fair rides or the sun beaming hard enough to scorch the morning dew off of joel’s front lawn faces no match against the hatchling of your smile, once made dormant under the hazy coat of november through april, and defrosted by the month of july.
it’s the 4th. and amongst a spectacular of beams and fireworks slashing through a sky made thick with clouds, ellie swears that tonight she will kiss the girl of her daydreams.
she has also sworn this, for the past three summers.
for the past three summers, she has ridden the same rides with you in almost identical order – familiar of every trough, and yet screaming with you through every loop. you take the same edibles, and you get the same order of fried concoctions, from the same stand and share the same $7 lemonade, from the same cup and the same swirly straw.
it’s the same saccharine fling, bubble-wrapped in infatuation, and spared the harm of teeth sinking into its flesh in fear of eviscerating the bond that lies underneath.
but she swears, she will kiss you. this time, she will. she swears, she will.
with tongues coated with carbs and a mind made dizzy with sugar, you make the decision to ride the ferris wheel. she buries herself in the brash cackle of your laugh as she nearly rocks the cart off of its hinges. as you settle, belly and chest full of brightness, ellie watches you. your back is slumped against the metal, your head is thrown, and a hand is splayed over your stomach. the neons of the park flicker and change as you the two of you pass through them. ellie watches as they paint your body, electric; this way, she can see the symptoms of summer, highlighted, right on your cheekbones. beaming brightly, adding a shimmer to your smile, like a sparkle on a wink. ellie always has a tendency of falling in love with girls who are nothing like her. in the summer, ellie just burns. but not you. you have always glowed.
the fireworks break through the sky, booming through the city like miniature cannons. the only unpredictable thing of all this, is the show. pop, a red firework. pop, a green one. pop, pop, sizzle. this one, a cluster of both.
boom.
the familiar crust of a hill climbs up ellie’s throat and it’s an act of strength to swallow it all down. “wow,” she hears you remark, completely airless, a loopy grin stretching across your lips. “that’s so pretty.”
ellie nods, damning the fireworks and instead only looking at you. “yeah..” ellie swallows, again, hearing the croak that lines her own voice. “well, you’re pretty, too.”
there’s a silence that hangs, like your eyes, onto hers. and then it’s broken -- shattered not by combustion, but by a giggle turned spitting cackle, tumbling uncontrollably from your lips.
ellie’s furrows her eyebrows, “are you.. are you okay?” and starts laughing with you, only half-nervous, but like–
sizzle, sizzle,
“no.. no.. well– like yeah. like, no, yeah i’m just..” you lick your lips, close your eyes,
grin, and shake your head,
“i’m just really glad that you’re my friend.”
boom.
the firework burns and dies in the iris of ellie’s eye, and brings with it ellie’s reminder to blink. or to do anything, really.
ellie has a tendency of falling in love with girls who are completely different from her. who want different things, and go at different paces,
who are her best friends.
she smiles. tight.
“yeah..” ellie concludes. “yeah, me too.”
she holds your hand on top of her lap, and halfheartedly thumbs over your knuckles. she lets you slot your fingers into hers, the same as you always do. and she squeezes, like normal. lets you rest your head on her shoulder, and rests her forehead atop of yours, like usual.
pop. pop. pop.
this year, she chalks her excuse up to.. loitering in opportunity. wading in questions she knows the answer to.
sizzle. sizzle. sizzle.
maybe, she’ll try again next summer.
pop,
or maybe, it’s better that she doesn’t.
sizzle.
#this is so funny to me sorry#accidentally wrote biblically accurate r/niceguy ellie williams sorry#prose is alright though so i mean whatever#maybe they're both in love with each other#idk figure it out#mia what are you talking about#ellie williams x reader#tlou#the last of us#ellie williams#imagine getting friendzoned not in a r/niceguy “im so nice to you i deserve to be with you” way#but in a “ellie williams always falls in love with girls who want different things and go at different paces” way#[BOOM]#(the friendzone isnt a real thing guys)#(respect peoples wishes)#(or be open about your feelings)#(dont go to the same fair with them 3 years in a row like a down bad incel redditor)#the Turnaround is Insane though#this is the one time where my underwhelming endings actually serve a solid purpose#let's see how this goes. LMAO
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I feel like with this whole Liam Payne situation and the resurgence of 1D content (which I’ll be lying if I said I haven’t been enjoying) it’s easy to forget what a real tragedy this is—because obviously I don’t know any of these men personally nor will I ever, but the 5 of them where still incredibly important to me in a very dark and yet very formative period of my life, and they deserve that recognition on my part at least. Growing up I very rarely thought about how the 1D members were very close in age with me, only a couple of years older, yet while I was living the last years of my childhood protected by my parents, they were literally plucked from their homes, overworked to the bone and thrown to the wolves.
Liam became an abuser and an addict, there’s no denying that, but it’s very hard for me to think that the boy I used to eagerly watch videos of everyday when I was a teen started off that way—and this isn’t me trying to put my nostalgia above the pain of his victims at all, I’m just pointing out how the cycle of abuse perpetuated by the industry can only end up ruining lives. Liam’s life absolutely did not have to end the way it did. Ultimately Maya Henry and the rest of his victims don’t deserve to be blamed for this, they should receive nothing but compassion and empathy from us, and so should Liam’s family, especially his son.
I think I will, bearing that in mind, allow myself to mourn Liam, and the girl I used to be and that he was such a huge part of. I can never be that girl again, I’ve lost and gained too much over the years to ever be her again.
I will also allow myself to mourn the rest of the 1D boys too, because while I don’t want anything bad to ever happen to them, they aren’t those boys anymore, the pedestal they used to occupy no longer exists in my heart, but a part of my love for them will always be there.
#this got super sappy sorry the ghost 17 year old me possessed my body and wrote it#so I know that I always come back here like “yes I’m back for good” and then disappear for months#but these last couple of months have actually been good for me for a change (and I don’t want to jinx it so…)#i went to a cool trip through europe to study. came back. got a new job. and even started dating (we’ll see how that goes lol)#but i feel like i owned it to teenaged me to post something here which basically amounts to: wow… growing up realllly sucks uh??#anyway i really couldn’t stop myself from commenting on this because i literally started this blog 13 years ago because of one direction#like… imagíne that…#1d renaissance is cool despite the circumstances#what isn’t so cool is the whole putting blame for liam’s d*ath in underpaid hotel employees and any woman in his vicinity#using it as an excuse to gush about the pettiest thing ever like l*rry reunion (like???? read the room?????#liam payne#liam#1d#one direction#ufff felt super weird using those tags after all these years#like it feels like I’m talking about some guys who disappeared into the void 10 years ago but no#i saw them around a lot and even listened to some of their solo music#(specially niall’s because i vibed with his the most)#but it wasn’t the same because they were no longer 1d ya feel??#idk anymore#stfu pam
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i know that when carlo suddenly decided that he needs to marry guy made a whole list in his head n like had a deadlines n shit. like it was some kind of a task he needed to do
#whole fkin campaign. idk still not sure how it was but man was in his peacock era for sure#n it's like i need to find a wife i need to make it in 2 (or whatever) months etc etc#but its like a bg task n he didn't speak bout it w others. like he just said that he needs to marry#also idk if i mentioned this but i wrote lauretta/carlo first meet long ago n she was w her fiance#i just listened to “pretty music” again sorry. i like that uh governor or tf this character is#changes his behaviour from one woman to another so real. n that fkin “but im a lucky guy who gets to dance w u”#and “since u know what i need i'll even take your lead” <- fr like im sure lauretta screwed him for several times#just to see if he's really serious good old manipulations w men nothing new nothing superstitious#upd. he probably made a mind budget for this (i mean finding a wife)#n bout lauretta screwing carlo its like in this ukranian song Ти ж мене пiдманула ти ж мене пiдвела#but since he's a strategist he's patient (like i wanted to accent this quality sm i wrote#that carlo started thinkin bout taking moretti's place back in 1932)#anyway. “Challenge accepted” situation and idk fr for some reason when it's carlo eddie lauretta it's always bout playing#so lauretta started playing n he entered this play too. i don't even think he was exactly mad (maybe only for the 1st time)#at this point i have a clear image of how they met n their first dates (cringe word) n how he proposed#ie how it started how it ended. ending was fast i believe (deadline is approaching 🤯)#what was in between i don't exactly know but i wondered just now if he also screwed lauretta (i think yes)#bc i don't knooowwww frrr all this is so bout playing to me#but bout ending its like. boss fight (<- sex) game credits (<- marriage) ((speedrun))#also i was thinkin if he even ever met lauretta's parents (i always thought that no but idk)#can imagine lauretta calling carlo a good friend. i also hm ok#i started to write a comic like a month ago just bout falcone polycule n it starts w#carlo who says that he finally needs to get married n lauretta's mother askin (in a pushing way) why#her n her fiance still aren't married like girl tf. she jinxed it i guess#upd. carlo/lauretta is funny in my head bc right before marriage he did fell in love lauretta didn't but guy's profitable we'll take him👍#she did only after marriage i think bc it was the time when u can finally relief bc it's over#u don't need to think bout no yes no no yes yes will it work or won't etc#woman was able to fucking chill at last. she got the money sorry i mean the man#he's not runnin away let's finally look who the fuck is even this man. why he won't shut up bout astronomy can i get a divorce <- jk#but yeah “я тобi брехала” is so lauretta right after marriage to me (“i dont even know the color of ur hair”)
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Finally finished sweet tooth s3. Having incredibly mixed feelings
#love the show. love it a lot. about to be a bitch in the tags anyways#it was. so so messy. they needed another season so bad. the alaska trip took up so much of the comics#and that was with the previously established cast#in the show they introduced a million new characters. gave us no time to get to know them before they were thrown head first into the plot#and condensed an arc that was almost half of the comics into the span of like 5 episodes#my boy singh. oh how they massacred by boy#i mean. okay. in the context of the show the arc wasn't horrible for him.#but i think his survival in the comic and his dedication of his life to making up for the mistakes of his past by helping people and hybrids#would've been so much more powerful than his random self sacrifice at the end of the show.#bc honestly it just seems like another impulsive act in his moral flip flop he'd been having for the last few episodes#rather than active choice to be better#and honestly i wanted to see his delusional paranoid religious breakdown from the comics put to screen so bad#it would've been great#i do like that he turned against zhang the second she started trying to talk about rani. that shit slapped#the several fake outs about Jepp's death were so stupid and unnecessary and repetitive#why are you baiting everyone. you're going to piss off the hardcore comic fans waiting for his death and confuse the show fans#either commit to killing him or stop pretending like you're brave enough to do it#why did they flip back so hard into the mystical vaguely eco fascist backstory and outcome of the comic#after spending two seasons trying to build a more scientific and less 'humanity must end' story for two seasons straight#they tried to make it seem less 'humanity must die' again at the end by ending the virus#which i guess might've been the best outcome available considering the source material and the limitations of it's ending#but idk. it felt weird#the writing this season was so much less subtle. it felt like the characters were constantly monologing directly at the camera#nothing could be left unsaid everyone had to say exactly what they meant#and it was all moral lessons the writers were trying to feed directly to the audience#i feel like they wrote themselves into a corner at the end of the last season#and they expected to have at least one more season to write themselves out of it before the ending#and if not. if this was the plan since the beginning. literally what. WHAT.#can not imagine the people who wrote the last two seasons sitting down and writing this#it won't let me add more tags but i have more thoughts. many more. tumblr is silencing me for speaking the truth /j
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Omg, not me thinking about "The bounty" again. The more I think about the episode, the more I realize how much of a MESS it is. For both Killbot 86 and Commander peeper. Especially for commander peepers since everyone always thinks "the bounty" is good for him cause it foreshadowed/reveal peeper to be badass, when in reality, it is not. Yeah, it did- but only temporarily before they made peeper cry over lord hater and exaggerated how much of a whiny crybaby he is.
Like honestly, remember how in "The prisoner" or something, Peeper managed to easily trick Wander into the ship? Yeah, he didn't capture him, but it wasn't hard to manipulate him inside the skullship, right? And I believe that episode came BEFORE the bounty so It wasn't hard to do that job of simply luring in wander into the ship. So like- Why was that so difficult of him to do?? And remember that line lord hater said?
"You can't seem to do the one thing I continually asked of you"
Noticed how lord hater mentioned he "continually" asked peeper to capture him? So he failed multiple times to get wander in despite how easy it was to manipulate him the first time. So HOW DID HE NOT SIMPLY DO THAT AGAIN??? You can argue that stuff happened off screen and there's a time skip for sure, but like- this is Commander peeper we're talking about. Isn't he supposed to be the "smartest" person? Y'know, to think of a plan instead of playing cat and mouse chase? Anyway, Peeper had his chances multiple times in a row until Hater had enough and straight up called in the bounty hunter cause he was so incompetent at doing his job.
And this is where I start to have issues. literally the first thing we see is Peeper whining to lord hater about what he's doing wrong instead accepting the facts he knew he screwed up and tried to apologize to lord hater for his failure before trying to convince him to give him another chance. Anyway, he proceeds to abuse his soldier, basically lashing out on other, and just- my god he fuckin suck holy shit. I get that the point but like- it made me question why I was into him to begin with.
So like yadda yadda, stuff happened. Sabotaging the bounty hunters. And my poor sweet, dearly beloved badass of robot man I love- I cannot go into details about how much I wanted to cry over him. Like genuinely speaking. I love him so much and realizing how horribly they mistreated him- holy fuck I'll never forgive this show. Fuck this show man- I already mentioned about what they done to him, but they literally robbed him. If given the chance, he would've been important. Especially since it was shown that he was actually crucial to Sylvia and peeper's parallel and the flashback as well. If Sylvia lost that fight, wander would've possibly ended up with killbot 85. I'm so pissed off that they shafted him like this. HE LITERALLY HAS THE MOST ERROR IN HIS DESIGN OUT OF EVERYONE AND THIS IS HIS FIRST INTRODUCTION- HOW DO YOU SCREW HIM UP LIKE THIS⁉️‼️⁉️
So yeah, anyway, my sweet robot got his shit kicked in by Peeper and near the end. Lord hater called him out on his shit and peeper admitted he screwed up. But then you see that fuckin peeper- HE LITERALLY DROPPED ONTO THE FLOOR AND START CRYING LIKE A BABY- i know that peeper is just a "pathetic little meow meow" but like- you gonna at least side eye at this part cause like wtf? Jesus Christ, they exaggerated the worst part of peeper's character here and genuinely I start to think that I kinda regret being into him in the first place?? Literally The Axe does a better job of displaying peeper competently and didn't make him into a full on crybaby.
So sorry for rumbling on about this, all of this come from the fact that I genuinely love killbot 86 so much that if anything bad were to happen to him, I'll cry. Or at least I wanna cry for him. And knowing how everyone seems to think this is a good peeper episode with the knowledge how messy it is, it just- idk. It really is not?? So sorry for the long rant. If you got this far, thank you for reading. Maybe you can argue with me but I'll be honest when I say that I have the tendency to overwhelm myself with bad thoughts and act out on emotion. This episode just made me so upset that maybe, just maybe killbot 86 would've been liked by the whole community instead of being so unpopular. I tried my best to get him noticed and put all my effort & love into him after YEARS of having nothing. It's not fair for him. It's not fuckin fair.
#chewys notes#killbot 86#woy#wander over yonder#just random ramblings#so sorry for that last vent i wrote down#Genuinely went off there for a moment#Please just understand that Killbot 86 never had the chance to shine because of shit he went through#That evil karaoke thing was the one thing that gave him the chance to have more line and such#Literally please let him have something#it not fair for him#Also so sorry for anyone who into Commander Peeper and got a bit upset reading this#Idk im just frustrated#Do you understand why i wanna take him away and leave the show and the fandom?#Like holy shit??#commander peepers
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why is every rb i&ve seen of that fuckin "do you like tone indicators & do you use them" poll basically like "no i think theyre st*pid and only weirdos use them why cant you just rephrase what youre saying to make the tone clear like a normal person" like. what
i thought we were at least pretending to unpack ableist bs?
like. you(&) dont have to like them. you(&) dont even have to use them. but theres absolutely no need to say shit like that. especially when tone indicators are specifically accommodations for people who cant intuit tone and (imo) for people who have difficulty making tone "clear" in their own writing (or arent sure if theyre making the tone "clear")!
and i& feel like some people have good points about why they might not be useful for them/everyone (theyre too difficult to remember, i dont understand what this means practically about the sentence, etc), and thats a valuable thing to talk about. but most of the time its so caked in the bullshit i& mentioned above, we cant even get there to talk about its flaws.
if you(&) dont find them helpful, fine. if you(&) find them outright confusing/unhelpful, thats okay! just please dont be mean about other people finding them helpful or even necessary.
#so hy speaks!#disability moment#*siiiiigh*#the last sentence of my& example was nearly a word-for-word quote btw :/#uhhhhh#cursing cw#swearing cw#also idk who i am rn lol#a few of us wrote this too so not gonna do sign offs on this one
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I need to go. Store.
#i need another suit case#and i have to buy formal clothes. for the job that im getting fired from. like i literally only have one or two days left (they still#havnt actually told me the day l o l) but i have to fucking show up in formal clothes so that they can take pictures even though im not even#gonna BE there :(#i wanna get candy for my students too.#and i still need to have lesson plans for my last day.#my new job is live streaming so that should be fun but the set up gives me the hebbie jeebies cajse of past shit so im a little worried.#should be fine though.#im a little shook up. today. im hoping ill feel better.#life is quiet though. its calm.#but i need to pack all my shit up and clean.#my mom is coming in a week or so. she wont be here for Halloween thankfully#i dont know what to do with my self. idk if ive ever been this. awake. before.#usually i watch over the garden wall and make my self some soup or something on my birthday. and just do my best to ignore everything#but its just. its fine. ill be fine nothing js really that bad. it just feels that way.#oh im gonna go find some alter wrote forever ago i think that will help.#i need to go to the store#i miss a person whos never existed#maybe ill actually be able to settle in to my new job#i also want to start taking Mandarin lessons. but i keep forgetting
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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again
sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now
Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.
And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.
and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.
no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.
and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.
im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.
and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently
in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.
there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.
no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.
#you know it's funny#i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this#on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and#the friend that i lost last year checked my account and#i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me#because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry#bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man#i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot#but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also#i dont fit in that friendship anymore#but im still really greatful#for checking up on me even like this#*most of my life#noticed a typo#idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself#all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday#im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations#trying to convince myself that its oka#it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im#terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi#g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul#i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda#hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not#that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m#friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread#knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb#i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps#anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but#i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much
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“bro, SHOULD we?”
#ACTUAL quote from this fic#(it will not be)#i’m just. why did i write it like that?? 😂😂#like. i think it was to capture the goofy energy of the moment - but it’s still funny#you can tell when i write things when REALLY tired because i describe them in ways i would absolutely never describe anything#this whole description is WAY too direct for me#but it gets the point across which is all i had left in me at the time#i actually wrote a bunch more of this fic last night AS i was actively passing out#and i haven’t reread it yet - but i THINK it’s good so. Good????#this fic is not getting finished first - the other one is#but i probably will finish and post this one eventually#idk about Brunch fic - we shall see#i’ll probably need to do another rewatch for that#might even wind up Putting Those Old Men In A Situation…#who’s to say
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