#idk where else they shared the link but this is probably on their twitter too?

[kaeyachi]

BACK AGAIN

THEM

YOUR HONOR LOOK AT THEM

Bonus Kaeya from your Kaeya info hub Kaeyachi:

and Andrius let him?!??! HELLO?!

Kaeya lost his horses so Andrius stepped up fr

[momentomori24]

Long-ass fandom rant because I need to scream into the void to find a reason to live let's gooooo

[For context I wrote most of this last friday which I thought was good to mention so the timeline makes a bit more sense. I really held off on this one XD Welp, let's start this trainwreck.]

Ok, I know I have other long posts I should be paying attention to (*cough* Keiji's shady shenanigans rant *cough*) among other probably more important things, but quickly wanna get this off my chest because it's kinda started to bug me and add even more concerns about the yttd fandom than I already have. This is specifically going to be about soushin-- yeah, yeah, I know-- but also bleed into something more... broad. Or broader. Idk, I'm a Tumblr user not a grammar teacher.

While browsing through Twitter I've been noticing a little spike in popularity for yttd with more fans and soushin shippers emerging as well. Which is cool, the game deserves all the praise and popularity it can get. And as someone whose been here for years, I'm glad that the fandom is slowly and steadily grown more accepting of soushin compared to the attitude around it way back when. There's been some genuinely really cool stuff that really does the ship justice from a lot of talented artist and writers that I absolutely love (will link some later), but something I've also been seeing a lot of from fans is what I can only describe as a "sanitisation resurgence" (but not really. kinda). A week or two ago on Twitter I stumbled across some soushin discourse where some people were sharing the sentiment that "if soushin end up being related and/or have a big age gap the ship is ruined". That they can only be two years apart max or else Nankidai has "fumbled them".

And the only response to that I had is "what". Like, how is that a deal breaker to you lot? How did you even get into the ship without accepting that those things could very likely end up being canon? How are you here and not ready to ship them no matter what's revealed about them after everything we've learned about them? Midori and Shin possibly being related was always on the table, and Midori potentially having already been an adult when Shin was in high school was always a very real possibility ever since we learned that he was never actually a student at his school. This is literally what soushin shippers got harassed by antis for years ago. Soushin is "problematic", and that's why people who shipped them where treated so badly in the fandom or just excluded all together. I can't count how many timed I've come across a "soushin shippers dni" or "soushiners are freaks and I hope you all have a bad day" or soushin fanfics/art with "I DON'T ACTUALLY SHIP IT BTW" and "not a ship" and "actual soushin shippers dni" attached to it. I can't recall how many times I had to explain myself with the "I ship but I don't condone it irl" or explain why I shipped them to not be labelled as a freak as if you need an excuse to ship anything fictional to begin with. I still remember soushin artist @uououoon and how they ended up deleting their Twitter account years ago because of the harassment and slanderous comments they were receiving for ships the fandom deemed problematic. When a person was saying their goodbyes to them on reddit and made some goodbye art (which is now deleted), some assholes in the comments were calling them weirdos and pedophiles for how they explored fiction and "glorified abuse" (which are the usual comments to uououoon's art posted on reddit unfortunately). I only caught wind of this one because back when they were still active in the fandom they were my favourite soushin artist and I went through their stuff almost every day and was tipped off when I randomly couldn't find their account anymore. They were such a nice and incredibly talented person too so the fact they essentially got bullied by a flock of stupid western fans seriously irritates me thinking about it again. This is why we cannot have nice things.

Soushin is "problematic". It's toxic and subtly abusive and important to the characters in question, but that didn't stop people from going after people who wanted to explore a dark, canon relationship (romantic, platonic or otherwise). How the actual hell did we go from "soushin has very toxic and problematic elements and you shouldn't be shipping it, you fucking freaks" to "you can ship it but don't make it actually problematic, you fucking freaks" like what is happening right now???? The worst part is that this is coming from other soushin shippers. The fact that there's actually soushiners with "proshippers dni" or "soushin is not for proship" genuinely makes me want to bite someone. Like, you horrible summer child-- not only are you demonstrating that you don't even know what "proship" actually means, but you're also spitting in the face of the people in our community that have CARRIED this ship for us for years. Why throw them under the bus to be one of the “good ones” in the eyes of antis when they hate us all anyway?

This brings us back to the sanitisation point: I feel like soushin is slowly being "sanitised" to fit the sensitive palette of antis by trying to make them as "morally acceptable" as possible. It's a worry I’ve had for a long time that once the fandom grows more accepting of the ship we'll be seeing more people basically scrubbing soushin of everything that made, well, soushin, to justify enjoying it. I've seen a bit of it already with a few people trying to say it's "not abusive" or just erase Shin's very obvious trauma by Midori all together for quite some time. Guess it's starting to happen on a bigger scale sooner rather than later. Maybe. Personally I don't think soushin having a big age gap or being related would ruin the ship. It just adds another layer of fucked up to their already fucked up relationship (I already hc Midori to be significantly older anyway so maybe I'm just biased). It doesn't really matter. I came here for toxic yaoi. I want nuclear waste level toxicity, not nuclear waste level toxicity presented in the most conventional and moral way possible. What would the point even be? It’s like packaging poison in a grape juice box. Like, it might be harmless to look at and more justifiable to think of as delicious, but it’s still poison. You making it look all cute and innocent isn’t going to change that. It's kinda funny and by that I mean not really that people will talk about wanting more "toxic yaoi" but when the yaoi is actually toxic and messy and horrific they will cry about it being "bad" or "ruined". You don't actually want dark dynamics, you want dark dynamics stripped of everything that makes them uncomfortable and dark so it's digestible to your tastes that don't even align with said dynamics in the first place. The worst part of this whole "soushin isn't proship so it's fine" bullshit is that it relies on trying to make the ship more "morally acceptable" or "legal" than other ships. Dawg, we are talking about abuse. You shouldn't be minimising that to say "well it's not [insert other terrible thing] so it's fine!!" That's not the "gotcha" you think it is. It’s one of the reasons why antis being into soushin made me feel weird cuz like you can’t ship it and then turn around to insult someone else, man (I’ve seen so many soushin defenders bash other “proships” to justify theirs like what are you doing--).

Realistically, the simplest and smartest thing to do when I see someone mischaracterise or butcher my faves is to either block or ignore and pretend to not care so I don't act on my sixth sense telling me to off them and myself. Realistically, this shouldn't be a big deal or anything that important, but this attitude is usually weaponized to harm and harass people who don't conform to their purity crisis over fiction. I'm in the unfortunate position of being not only a Your Turn to Die fandom dweller, but a Hazbin Hotel and The Coffin of Andy and Leyley one too. I'm used to being labelled a rapist and incest apologist irl who's delusional and deserves to be harassed and insulted by virtue of the media or ships I like (probably not a good thing). But people who are more active in these fandoms than me have it much worse as they get this shit directly waaaay more often while I mostly get called these things indirectly, which is what motivated me more to make this post.

So a couple days ago someone made some art of Monika from ddlc, Nikole (don't know the game sorry) and Ashley from Tcoaal. A lot of people on Twitter, unsurprisingly, bashed it for including Ashley to the point where some felt the need to clarify that they like her as a character but her actions (for some reason I do not understand like Monika has also done some seriously evil shit why are you not applying that logic to her too?). What struck me the most is that a yttd fan-- a self proclaimed "Midori enthusiast"-- ALSO quoted it to bash having Ashley in it. A freaking Midori fan. I told them to mind their business and start separating fiction and reality and to stop being a hypocrite, and thus ensued the most hilarious and stupidest convo I've had in a while:

You can literally count the seconds it takes for these guys to start throwing predator accusations and slurs at people. So "not exploring fiction correctly" makes me weird, but harming or putting real people on blast for nothing is free game, apparently. They're not the worst, both in this instance and in general, but it just stuck with me. Which is impressive, cuz I normally don't have much emotions to spare aside from general mild irritation for things like this. Maybe it's the Sonic feet.

But it ties into my issue. Midori's an absolute piece of garbage, yet some people will convince themselves that his actions are in some way justifiable to justify their hatred of something else (that is a lot less severe in this case) rather than love and let love. Tcoaal is not an "incest game" and if you describe it like that unironically you are not ready to be on the internet. No, it doesn't condone or glorify incest-- it literally does the opposite. If you need the characters to look into the camera and say "what we're doing is wrong and immoral" before doing something bad, I think you're the problem at that point. For the same reason you liking Midori (probably) doesn't mean you support human experimentation and torture, someone liking Tcoaal doesn't mean they support incest and someone shipping soushin doesn't mean they support abuse. These things are dark and shouldn't be condoned irl, but this is fiction. We can do whatever the hell we want. Being into darker themes and media doesn't have to reflect your real world views, but the inability to grasp that sentiment leads people to make their interests as moral and sanitised as possible and, feeling morally superior, will go after people who don't do that. This person deadass said that "incest is not morally grey and absolutely unjustifiable" (didn't even say that it wasn't btw) as if their blorbo hasn't committed so many atrocities for kicks that I personally find more unjustifiable. That line implies that they think that everything else Ashley has done and everything Midori has done can be justified because it wasn't incest specifically, which I find is a WILD thing to insinuate XD But it really does encapsulate the hoops antis will jump through to defend their likes while attacking yours despite the fact that it's literally the exact same as theirs. Rule of thumb: if someone accuses you of condoning something immoral because you like it in fiction, apply that logic to them, look at what they like and if their wet little meow meow is the Joker, Eren, Killua, Makima, Midori or whatever other morally bankrupt character you can come up with, take that as a confession and run. Cuz half the time these guys are actually nuts. While quote tweeting someone to shit on their art isn't the worst thing, considering how twitter has treated tcoaal artists the fact that they'd potentially open them up to harassment pissed me off, which is probably evident from my tone.

[Hi hi, this is me from the present right now cuz a more recent development came up so I’m using it as an example here too.]

While most of the things listed here have all been happening online, this attitude can come up in the real world as well.

As OP states, a bunch of hellaverse cosplayers were targetted at a french convention by haters of the show trying to ruin their cosplay. This is already completely unacceptable but the thing I can’t for the life of me get over is torching their costume while they’re still wearing it. Literally attempting to set someone on fire. All over a fucking show. It’s baffling how people can justify actions like this because they think your taste in fiction is so disgusting it’s Ok for them to hurt you. Not just online, but outside as well. It’s not the first time a hellaverse cosplayer has been harassed (last time it was a Valentino cosplayer but then again Val fans get shit from all sides all the time), and while I’m pretty sure these will remain as isolated cases it’s still scary to think about. What’s even more scary to think about how people think that their opinion on hazbin hotel has any relevance to the situation. So many of the comments in that post are just “I hate Hazbin Hotel, but—” or “I hate the fandom, but--” or “I hate Vivzie, but—” and I’m literally here ready to start pouncing like SHUT UP. No buts. That is not in any way important here. You not liking the show or the creator should not be important to the situation of cosplayers being actively harmed. You don’t have to signal your allegiances before showing basic human empathy, goddamnit. And what’s even worse is that some people have just turned this into a “b-but the hazbin fandom!!” issue, which is insulting. For example:

The “Hazbin fans do blackface and disrespect black people daily” is a reference to ONE Alastor cosplayer that nobody had defended. Not even fans. At least no one I can find. Yet they are using this one bad apple to generalise the whole fandom as "bad" and down play the amount of bullshit the hatedom does to fans on a regular. It kinda makes me feel sick that someone would look at a situation like this and spin this into a “fandom thing” rather than focusing on the victims. That they don’t deserve to be taken as seriously just because of the fandom their in. Some lunatic in the comments was literally completely minimising this whole thing saying “some red paint (fake blood capsules) isn’t nearly as bad as lynching and what black people have gone through in America” before calling anyone who called out that that’s completely irrelevant racist for liking Hazbin Hotel like are you kidding me. My homies in Christ, someone almost got lit on fire can everyone please stay on the goddamn topic. This is one of the rare moments where I was kinda proud of twitter as the majority of the comments and quotes where calling out their bullshit, but the amount of likes and some of the comments are still disappointing.

So what points am I trying to make here? This was very spontaneous and rushed so apologies if it feels messy cuz it very much is messy. But my main points boil down to this: Purification, sanitation and the “fiction equals reality” and "your fictional tastes reflect on you morality irl" arguments need to die. They just have to. While petting Shin on a daily basis gives me enough serotonin to find the will to live, the only true solace I will find is when people start being normal. People shouldn’t be getting harassed or labelled as freaks for fiction you don’t like both online and real life. People are not less worthy of basic human decency and empathy solely based on their fictional interests. People should be able to explore fiction however the hell they want without worrying about there being made a call out post on them somewhere. I search Tcoaal on twitter and there’ll always be a bunch of posts with over 10k likes calling all fans annoying weirdos or say it’s an “incest game” even tho it literally isn’t. I will try looking for some Valangel art on tumblr and see some loser use the tag to basically shit on everyone who ships it and lying about the treatment these shippers get while defending Charlastor or just shit on the ship in general. I just exist on the twitter side of the HH fandom chilling with other Val fans and literally every single one of them has either received death/rape threats or told to kill themselves, got ratio’d by a bunch of haters, had a call out post saying not to follow dedicated to them, had their art reposted and Val scribbled out, repeatedly accused of ““romantising a rapist””, or all of the fucking above. Valentino’s VA gets asked if he’s actually like the character he plays in real life or a fan being “relieved that he didn’t abuse them like Valentino” when they met (kudos to Joel for being chill about it btw I would be fuming this fandom does not deserve this man). I type in a certain controversial yttd ship to search and most of the latest posts are just people being rude, saying that if Nankidai makes them canon they’ll drop the game, calling the man himself a freak, calling other shippers freaks, shitting on soushin as well and then having soushiners defend their ship while also shitting on said controversial ship. It genuinely feels like fanbases are circuses and we are the clowns 💀

I could list other examples people being weirdos but I can't do that without breaking the momentum of this post even more than I already have. I guess what I wanted to vent about is how these attitudes regarding fiction and the way people police how others engage with it and how people think of you based on what you like can go from just annoying to downright dangerous more often than you’d think. That belief that you are morally superior to someone else based on the fact that you ship or like things the “legal” and “pure” and “healthy” way (which is never actually the case btw) can lead to you being really disrespectful or a complete asshole and not feeling bad about it at all, which does more harm than good. Which is why I thought it was important to bring up more extreme cases to empathise how this obsessive gatekeeping of fiction can and does hurt real people, who should be more important to you than fictional characters.

All of this is very likely going to sound very aggressive in tone and I want to quickly clarify that this is not meant to be an attack towards anyone in particular. I'm just tired and recalling all this stuff is making my mood sink like a stone lmao. Who knows, maybe I'm just overexaggerating and things won't get worse when the game gets more popular. This is just what I've been witnessing both in and out of my side of the moon. The amount of yttd fans I've seen act like this are a lot tho. No fandom is perfect obviously, and this one is the farthest from it, but with new people coming in and this weird attitude and need to sanitise not only towards soushin, but other "problematic" ships and media as well growing more prominent (mostly on Twitter and Tiktok) my biggest worry is that the hostility in this fandom will just... increase? Roulettefeel made pretty good posts about it-- my favourites being this one, also this one and this one's pretty short and sweet, summarising most of my soushin points a lot better and shorter than my trainwreck of a post so I recommend checking them out. If you like soushin, go check them out. If you don't like soushin, go check them out anyway. They make stuff outside of soushin too. They're pretty cool.

[I also want to add that the whole sanitisation thing in the yttd fandom is nothing new. It’s been a thing for longer than I have been here. I’ve just been seeing it again with soushin, which is was what made me want to do this in the first place. There’s another dynamic the fandom obviously does this for, but uttering it would not only get me flamed but straight up burned at the stake of bad takes so I’m saving that for a rainy day.]

Aaaaannd, I'm done, I think. I didn't have a good conclusion for this in mind. Idk, just be nice? You don't have to like "proships" (or what the fandom has defined as proship cuz that's not the actual definition), but that's what the block buttons for. Don't like, don't read, I say. Fandoms are for everyone and as long as what the person is doing is harmless, let them feel safe being themselves without having to worry about someone coming after them. Real life cops already suck. Let's not bring them into our collective escapism. And something you personally don't like ending up canon doesn't mean the game or ship is "ruined". That doesn't just go for soushin. That goes for other things too. To tie up loose ends, soushin having an age gap or being related has always been on the table and fits with other themes in the narrative. That does not count as "bad" if it makes sense. Soushin is not "Ok to ship" because it's "not an illegal ship" (whatever tf that means) and it's not "bad to ship" because it's "romanticising abuse". It's fine to ship because it's fictional. You don't need a moral justification to ship anything. That goes for all ships. That's why NOTPs exist. And "proship" doesn't and has never meant "shipping problematic pairings". It's a stance on shipping. It means being pro people being allowed to ship whatever they want. That includes being cool with problematic pairings, but is not limited to those. It means not being a fandom cop. Please stop saying otherwise, I cannot keep living this way--

Soooouuu, to end off on a more positive note and finally put this whole thing to bed I'll link some of my fav newer soushin accounts for anyone who's interested:

Hyo (orewagahai on ao3 check that out too): They are an amazing, amazing writer. If you're into dark, abusive co-dependent, complicated soushin with beautiful characterisation I would highly recommend. They just posted another soushin drabble on twitter and it's great.

jinn: They've been putting out banger after banger ever since getting into the game. Their art is absolutely stunning and they upload frequently, so go check 'em out if you can! It's actual medicine for the soul, I promise. They also draw for dead plate, so if you're into that go ahead too.

angel: Also cool. They're soushin art is hilarious and cute. As much of a sucker as I am for toxic, abusive sludge, they give thses two idiots a silliness that I enjoy. Also if you like trans!Shin content they're pretty good.

欣武 (my dumbass forgot to add them the first time sorry): They are INCREDIBLE. Extremely incredible artist. Their art is so, so freaking good. Not checking them out is absolutely your loss, ngl.

Be nice to them. If I catch anyone attempting to annoy them I'm coming after you and your entire family. Let's be better and not chase new comers off this time :3 Thanks for listening to my incoherent venting. This is mostly for me to feel a bit better, but anyone is free to read. If anyone's got an opinion or observation, feel free to offer it. I need coffee. Coffee sounds good.

[wishing-stones]

Hihihi i saw your reblog about calcium cat recently and... thank you for that! It was eye opening and confirmed some suspicions i had... and im sorry you dont have to post this ask if you dont want to, i just didnt know where else to go. I don't use tumblr often, very sorry if i am bothering you!

So, i used to be a big fan of calcium cat's, and when i learned from your reblog that she's not someone i want to associate myself with, i remembered that she and topazshadowwolf (someone who wrote some Dadmare and Soriel fics that I liked, i think they're well known in the community but im not sure?) were affiliated with one another, and topazshadowwolf has these two posts on their blog that arent outright queerphobic like calcium cat's posts. i wanted to see what your thoughts were on it as a second opinion because i dont want to judge them too hard, but i also got an icky feeling from these posts that i can't really explain. I dont want to cause trouble for them if they don't deserve it which is why i wanted to ask your opinion on it. And im on anon in case if it really is that bad...

https://www.tumblr.com/topazshadowwolf/738317097192603648/anon-i-am-not-going-to-reply-to-that-ask-i-dont?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/topazshadowwolf/738292724279672832/i-didnt-want-to-say-this-but-its-been-bugging?source=share

Uhmm yeah thats about it. Sorry, you probably dont get asks like this that much, i really just didnt know what to do and didnt see anyone talking about it and thought i was going crazy, i wanted to ask someone. I am a queer person myself and i just felt like these posts were really off but idk why :(((

Sorry this took a bit to get to Anon, I legitimately had no idea who this person was. Also had to grapple with the fact that I'm apparently a big enough figurehead here to ask about discourse? Willlddd to me. I'm not used to this LOL.

Discourse under the cut

The first thing that strikes me as off is the fact that Cal commented on the ask linked in the first post you provided. Don't like that. Openly associating with someone who has been outed as an immensely bigoted trans/homophobe is.... not a good look.

However, in regards to that ask, I agree with some of what they were saying. School is a time to play at discovery, because you rarely remain who you were as a child. It's not a definitive thing. You can be adamant that you're one way in school, and once you leave it an broaden your horizons, you discover that you're another way. This ranges anything from sexualities, gender expression, to religion and belief systems. People grow and change.

As an aside, I don't agree that NM wouldn't support them if they claimed to be different from how they are as adults and wouldn't support them. No context given, but I assume the boys don't remember being adults. This means their growing experiences will be fundamentally different than they were as former adults because they are going through their childhood/adolescence in a wildly different way than they did underground. So constricting them to such a narrow scope seems... disingenuous at best.

Seems a might bit narrow-minded, but I wouldn't go screaming "transphobia" yet. Don't like the "if you feel like I disrespected you, leave" though. The correct response is to ask what you did that made someone feel that way.

Worthy of a side-eye, but unless someone presents solid proof (as with Cal's very damning twitter likes, yuck), bad vibes shouldn't be enough to try to cancel someone. I try to give the benefit of the doubt. I sincerely hope my general faith here is not misplaced.

[loppiopio]

i've been sitting on this post for a few days now and it's literally just, me making assumptions about kudos i've noticed on fics lately (particularly aci since i've been checking that fic every week for book club these past few months) and this'll make me seem more insane than i already come off but by this point. how much lower can i go?

just going from top to down as of today.

[ShibaLee] i know you from your art on here!! tumblr user shibaleeart i'm happy to see more people in potentially enjoying the stories this fandom has to offer :>

[reiscm] shizuchansmilk?? what are youuu doing here? i didn't know you read shizaya fic tbh and i was surprised to see you here suddenly, relatively recently too. does that mean you just started the fic then?? after at least a year of being in the fandom right? maybe this wasn't from your first time reading it (same) but at the very least it shows you visited it not too long ago… i may be delusional in thinking i could be a contributing factor there because, why now? it's not like i'm the only aci advocate out there but i've probably been the most vocal about it around this time soo… well whatever it is, hope you had fun with it! i'm so curious what drrr comedian shizuchansmilk thinks about hit fanfiction a cheap imitation 👁️

i'm also recognising some of the other names around here like [anonymooose] and [durarasaiki] even though i haven't the faintest idea who they might be. i've just been seeing them lately across different shizaya fics which probably means these are the people doing their shizaya fic dive around this time. i have nothing more to add there i just, think it's cool noticing the same names across fics like yeah, we all feasting on the shizaya tag rn.

[ya_boi_twink] it took me a second to recall where i'd recognised your name from and then it hit me. i knoooow you! tumblr user yaboitwink in my notifs… i appreciate you, and i'm glad you liked the things i made for it c:

[bun_o_ween] oh i know you're here because of mr crapo. i hope you guys had fun with it! i wanna take the chance to also admit that like. the moment i found out you were that sebastian writer i experienced the wildest sense of deja vu. because. i had seen your name on ao3 before. but when i checked your fics there was no way i'd read a fic from you?? so then i realised i must have recognised you... through other kudos on other fics??? dude. i must sound crazy, i have no way of proving this because i actually don't remember what fics these were i just vaguely remember it was either bsd or tgcf? that i was looking at fics for, trying to find something to sate my hunger at the time. and i just remember, noticing your name across like a few of these fics in a row and thinking "heh someone else has been going down the same rabbit hole" AND NOW I SEE YOU AND CRAPO OF SHIZAYA FANDOM HITTING IT OFF it was surreal. like. my awareness of you had zero to do with black butler, i could not have predicted that you would have been the random ao3 user i'd seen apparently enjoying some of the same fics i was not too long ago. wow.

there are like two separate flamingo related names around here [niceflamingo] and [flamingoo] which doesn't mean anything but for some reason they are standing out enough for me to want to mention them. i feel like i've seen ao3 user flamingoo in the kudos of some other fic before but idk.

[Luzki] omg hey!! twitter artist vi_138_ woah hiii funny seeing you here :0 especially like. not so long ago? since i'd imagined you would've been aware of the fandom for a while since you seem more invested in the alts than shizuo and izaya in particular? well it was cool seeing that you'd read this one, i hope ya had fun!

[frogsarefriends] right under that is artist hallucxnating >:O i know they've read the fic already but it was cool to actually recognise their kudo down here, especially since it's like. not recognisable just from the name alone, but you've shared links to this ao3 as your writing so now i know it's you. my impression is that you came into the fandom through slavhew since, i'd connected the dots at some point that you two were friends which. made a lot of sense since i noticed you both started being active around here at the same time lol. but hey!! welcome to the club :D

[7FlyingPancakes7] this is one of the ones i'd noticed earlier on during book club, i distinctly remember checking a chapter while walking home one night (because i do that i guess) then BAM what the hell?? i just see tumblr user mari-lair's ao3 appear down there, totally out of nowhere for me. for context this was a writer from the tpn fandom i recognise from like 4 years ago? idk it's been a while, i didn't talk to them much but they were active in the fandom at the time so i'm familiar with their name. i haven't been keeping up with them but last i'd seen they seemed to be into tbhk with no indication as far as i was aware that they'd shown any interest in shizaya. nothing wrong with that it was just unexpected, so i was just like woah!! how did you get here? i am so curious how they may have come across this fic, was it some rec from a friend? how familiar are they with shizaya? how invested were they in the story and characters? enough to go down more of shizaya's greatest hits? anyways, that was just a fun little small world moment for me.

[psych0tastic] hey isn't this…. axietoh? like, the artist who used to draw shizaya like 5 years ago? what are they doing here so high up the list? 🤔 i have no clue lol i still follow them because i really like their art style but i hadn't noticed their interest in shizaya resurfacing... i suppose they just haven't been too active on these socials in general. anyways their name stood out to me and i was like, wait….. well it's a shocker seeing their name so high up here, were they reading this fic for the first time there or were they revisiting it and happened to have not kudo'd it until then? well anyways, it's nice to see they've revisted the fic within the last two years at least :0 that's cool to me.

[MiyukiWynter] dude i was feeling crazy just now trying to figure out where i'd recognised this name from because i'd swwooooorn i'd seen it from somewhere like as someone on twitter?? i think i was mixing them up in my mind with unrelated (as far as i'm aware) twitter user miiyankhr but turns out they're someone who's fics i've seen in the tags before. i haven't read them myself but apparently they just posted a new one two days ago so that's crazy.

[Dodomka] heyyy it's dodo from twitter, hellooo 👋 they've been the biggest supporter for my deep in the sauce fic tweets and for that i appreciate them very much :3 didn't expect to see them here tbh i wasn't aware of when they'd first read the fic but as i was expanding the list a few times to write up this post i noticed their name here and just thought that was neat. shout-out to them!

[mochi010] there's a user named mochi that has shown up in my twitter notifs somewhat regularly and they have nothing on their account so i have zero clue what they might be like outside from that they've been liking my shizuo and izaya retweets. their handle isn't even mochi so i have very little reason to believe this could be them but idk, maybe? no conclusion has been made here. well i already spent time writing and cleaning up the paragraph, guess i'm leaving it in.

shout-out to [ouiouipussay] and [ramenflavorpacketsnorter420] just for having some names that stand out lol. i don't recognise you from anywhere but, i guess now i will if i ever come across those names again.

[Stupidusernamepolicy] i struggled to find you amidst all these names for the writing of this post 💀 had to ctrl+f that shit. but i remember seeing your name here while i was going through the list some days before and being like "oh hey!! it's slavhew :)" but okay there's actually a tangent i've been wanting to go on from here.

outside of aci i've actually been noticing you and hallucxnating double duo'ing under some fics together, like after the story era which i'd reread after hallu reminded me of its existence in a reply, and also sacramental which i had reread because of your reply, lol. i find this quite funny, just like. this visual representation of you two reading and recommending fics with each other. then you talk about it on twitter and more people like me are visiting this fic too. chain reaction of sharing stories :)

ALSO [anonymooose] and [durarasaiki] spotted down here in some of these kudos too!! that's craazy. wow. i tell you guys i'm recognising these names i'm not just crazy 😭

[NotElectricT] this took me a second to dig up again since it's quite buried down that list at this point but the plan i'd had in mind for this post was to end on this one since i saw them kudo it right in front of me (through the vc stream) and i didn't think this post would get as long as it did but... well i already wrote it 😬 but yeah, this is my good friend note! check out this art they made for, still one of their favourite chapters, sharks fly. it's sandwiched in between some squid game au they made for a gift exchange for me..... it's a long story i don't wanna talk about it (embarrassing......)

but what i do wanna talk about!! is how note (referred to as "patient zero" regarding aci book club by the only other patient lol) just decided to read this fic completely of their own volition?? i didn't tell them to do that and for sure didn't expect them of all people to try reading it, ever (they're not really a fic reader) but they just did that, two years ago. and that was like, insane to me at the time because it's seriously so out of their depth guys they don't do enemies to lovers.... they still don't lol. but i was insane about this fic back then with no one to really be insane about it to so i just yelled about it to these friends out of context and i guess???? that was convincing enough to get this one to start the longest fic they'd ever read 💀

i had much fun having someone experience the fic i'd been insane over..... like i'm smiling about it rn thinking about the time i did a live reading of the chainsaw man (as i like to call him) chapter which was so fun i kinda forgot i had a hamilton musical i was supposed to watch that evening... that was awkward. and other chats we exchanged regarding the fic (they were reading chapters whenever they felt like it which i enjoyed because i like pacing these things out) but for some reason (i think things just happened around the time that disrupted the momentum) they never made it past chapter 26 😔 which was tragic to me but oh well....

well i'm am even more insane about this fic now because of this convoluted chain of events that gradually built and cascaded me towards whatever the fuck i'm doing now!! god. i've never made so much, anything, like ever. until now. because both note and rosa (who has not kudo'd this fic as far as i'm aware lol) made the decision beyond my expectations to commit to, a book club. which i organised. and i've been having a lot of fun! so much fun, there's all this wild "marketing" stuff i've been churning out in record fucking time by my standards. i've never felt so creatively fulfilled dude, never finished a thing in my life until these past few months. so that's awesome, and it's in large part because of note having committed to this fic again. so that's some of the story behind that one kudo haha.

and now we're at chapter 49, we're supposed to be talking about it tomorrow, which is today by now since it's 1 am but uhhhhhhh writing is so hard. i was supposed to just be cleaning up this draft i'd written like 5 days ago? i am now very hungry. there's actually more i'd drafted up from here just from more names i recognised as i kept expanding the kudo list that day buuuut i'm fuckeeeen cutting this off right here. i need to stop. the end.

[tau1tvec]

I’ve always been kinda aware it exists, but seeing it happening in something so seemingly anti-capitalist as The Sims cc and modding community, or any modding community is sooo… weird ??? Could be my age showing, I’ve been around since The Sims 2 LJ and Forum scene, where I very vividly remember everyone chastising a creator into exile for using ad-fly links, despite all they’d contributed to the community, which is wild considering how common they are now.

I remember ad-fly resurfacing some probably two or three years into The Sims 3, and although a lot of people were quite vocally against it, many of them being former The Sims 2 players, it didn’t quite have the same effect this time around. Some people would include non-ad-fly links and alternatives, and luckily ad-fly killers mostly worked, but it’d become pretty norm as the years went on, while in the background the way The Sims 3 itself was also rewriting how The Sims can be monetized, by introducing The Sims 3 Store.

Now I think The Sims 2 had one as well, but it was kinda meh… and so was The Sims 3 Store at the start, like the sets were cute, but people weren’t exactly rushing to buy cash cards to get them, esp since as, tale as old as time style, there were plenty of forums and pirate sites out there offering them for free. However as EA began, idk possibly seeing a decline in sales, they started pushing two expansions and one or two stuff packs out a year I think, and even more store sets. Big store sets, and it helped pick up steam, but it also began pushing The Sims further and further into this very, “content, content all the time, so much content, open you wallet now or you’ll miss out” mindset that I think we’ve only seen exacerbated with The Sims 4.

Yes we’re getting less big releases, with only one EP a year, but we’re getting plenty of others between gamepacks, kits, and constant updates, at least 2-3 of which are quite huge changes, that make them a bit difficult to ignore.

I think my point is, that gaming has obviously changed a lot over the years, the products we pay for aren’t quite as fulfilling as they used to be, but we get more of it more often ??? So yay, I guess ??? Still this doesn’t change the fact that we’re still paying for, if not paying more at times for less content ???

Either way I guess we shouldn’t be surprised it’s also affecting the cc/modding community, I think in the bigger picture as well, is we just live in truly different times economically than we did when The Sims 2 dropped, a lot of people trying to find other means or extra means to get money and pay for bills, rising food prices, and constantly bouncing gas prices has changed a lot of how monetization works as well, but at some point the bubble will burst. We can’t keep scamming each other like this, esp since all we’re doing is basically passing off our struggles to someone else when we do, and only for a little bit of relief… which will also likely be as brief and heavily monetized as the games we play to get that relief.

I’ve seen a lotta people become more and more comfortable sharing pirate links openly, even Twitter YouTube, and Instagram, former bastions of typically willing players and participants of paid content are openly sharing that paid content with others, and that behavioral change isn’t unfounded, we’re exhausted, exhausted with having too much and yet too little and still being expected to pay to get ahead of the line, exhausted with the cc community and the game itself, but we’re also exhausted with the world and society and it’s obvious decline in recent years, and so we’re just picking the slightly less exhausting route, lol.

tldr; The Sims cc/modding community will always be anti-capitalist, and complacency doesn’t equal willingness, pirate servers don’t exist without reason, and no, believe it or not, not everything should be monetized, if you’re wondering if everyone is judging you for posting a slightly longer version of an EA hair under early access, it’s bc we are… while we’re also looking to see if it’s on DHM.

[lwt28brave]

LT2 masterpost

If it was up to me, we would get an autumn or winter EP. Since it’s not up to me at all, here, enjoy this post with everything we know so far of LT2, which is to say, not much at all. Everything here is hypothetical. I’ll be updating every time I see something relevant. A little disclaimer that while this is a masterpost (kinda), it could be read as discourse (duh, it’s also a theory), AND it’s also by me, and you shouldn’t expect me to be serious at this point.

Due to me restraining myself, there’s no reference to any of the times he’s mentioned his guitar skills and him improving but I hope you know I cried every single time.

I’m also linking my old pinned here. It was written before AFHF and around the free merch thing that didn’t lead to much, but I still think I made some good points.

Possible tracks:

Copy of a Copy of a Copy

Change

Faith in the future??

369??

Possible names:

369

Faith in the future

When is the album coming out?

Your guess is as good as mine

Friday 28th of January 2022. Almost two years after Walls. It’s a Friday. It’s a 28th. What else can I say?

Here you can find @want-to-be-loved timelines for every month.

Here you can find @berlinini’s timeline of what Louis has been up to this year (2021).

The rest is under the cut. And here you can find a PDF version where Tumblr can't tell me how many pictures I can add.

2020

He said back on May 2th 2020 he wasn’t writing anything new yet.

(x)(x)(x)

Interestingly enough, he’s said many times after that that the album’s not ready cause he has no new experiences to drawn from. I won’t call him out because he does it himself.

May 4th. He liked a tweet from DMA’s Johnny Took saying they had to go write together again. Louis has been credited as an influence for them and (kind of) participated in their previous record, so I’m assuming he meant for their music and not his, but you never know.

Nothing(literally nothing??? how did we survive) until 11th of July. We all know what happened that day. We all celebrated it. Nonetheless, that’s not what I’m talking about here.

(x) So, by the beginning of July 2020 he was working on concepts and ideas for the new album. That was fifteen months ago. I know perfection takes time but…

Brief summary of important things that happened from then until the next mention of new music:

Louis left Syco!!!! 10 days later he rescheduled the tour for the first time. He followed Matt Vines on Twitter, probably so we could publicly shame him into doing something. Also, the 10thanniversary. He followed more people I wish he hadn’t.

Then more nothing until September. Not even a single tweet. The first merch drop was on the 28th of August but he just RT’ed the tweet. He first mentioned Free my Meal on the 25th of September. Then on October 1st Walls hit #1 on a lot of countries and Louis was incredibly happy and excited about it ^^

And then, that same day, October 1st, 2020, he dropped this bomb:

(x)

He also said it was too soon to be sharing new lyrics with us (x)

And, obviously, this tweet which is actually what made me start this whole post. I would hope you know mate.

(x)

He also told us he was cooking "banger after banger" and that he was incorporating more social themes into his music (x)(x) (I believe any social issue is a political issue but that’s not the point rn).

COPY OF A COPY OF A COPY?!?!

These next paragraphs are brought to you by my mind not remembering things and me not having any links. I’m assuming COACOAC came from those writing sessions that supposedly happened in October. Or in LA but I have no idea if he actually was in LA at any point other than a Daily Mail article putting him there on December which would have been too late, but I do remember that someone said he was in the studio in LA last autumn???? A rumor. Maybe. IDK. Did I mention already all of this is very hypothetical?? Well, this is it. I can’t even remember if this was October or November or what. So, take this with a grain of salt.

I’m also… taking the liberty to assume, if you must, that Copy wasn’t meant to be a Walls reject because it sounds more mature and darker and it has a vastly different tone that Walls songs. I know he’s said that song probably isn’t getting into the album, but I want to have faith (in the future) that I’m getting a studio version. (But also, Louis, if you’re reading this, first of all GET OUT OF MY BLOG second of all, please don’t ever feel pressured again to add a song to the album because we have already heard it before. It’s your art and it should always be under your own terms).

So yeah, I believe that Copy is either one of those four songs (then imagine the other three??!!) or was written around the 1st of October date.

---End of the Intermission---

Then not much important (other than sharing more about Marcus Rashford fight against food poverty and the 2nd merch drop) until he announced the livestream on the 24th of November. (x)

It wasn’t until a few days before the livestream date we even thought again about new music (jk, I know we’re always thinking about new Louis’ music). So, December 9th/10th, 2020. Nine months ago. We got our first taste of new music!

He made sure we knew Copy of a Copy of a Copy isn't a cover! (x) (x)

(x)

Ok, so that’s it for 2020. (I feel like I’m missing something from September 17th because tweet was deleted but maybe he was still talking about cucumbers. We might never know. Unless I understand how Tumblr tags work). Expected, cause Walls was released in 2020. We needed to let it sit for a while.

2021

Another Summary: Louis third tweet of the year was telling the UK government off. So was the fifth. What a good beginning. On the 26th of January, he said he prefers pancakes over waffles. I hope he meant pancakes other than his own. More importantly, he tweeted the infamous “you lot read into things too much”. Don’t get me started, Tomlinson. Don’t. Then the 31st came around and Walls was one. He tweeted this. How wise. And Project Defenceless happened!!

15th of February!! Who cares about Valentine Day when the next day we got this? ♥

(x)

(x)

So…AN EP?? AN EP?? PLEASE RELEASE AN EP.

“I’m sure I will have something out this year but unlikely that will be the album”. Unlikely but not impossible. Also. A single would be good. This is the second time he mentions releasing something in 2021 and he sounds surer about it than the first time around.

He also said that he isn’t sure we will get a studio version of Copy. And that the best bridges from Walls to LT2 are Walls, OTB, KMM and Copy. Can’t wait!

Then we jump to March 6th when he announced he was going to create his own management company. “Sometimes action is needed first to encourage the motivation and belief”. As we can tell he was already manifesting some stuff which will lead us to the numerology stuff/Tesla… kidding. Or not. We might never know.

On the 22nd of March he answered some questions:

He told us music was still his main focus ♥ mwha. (x) I included this tweet to guilt-trip him into giving us music in case he’s reading this even after I told him to leave. ILY.

(x) I’d love to get a visual EP this autumn. Just saying. It sounds like a lovely concept.

(x)

…next (I will get into it, I promise. I’m just mad).

On the 25th he left for Mexico until April 10th. You could assume it was just for the documentary where we got ten seconds of footage or admit the obvious: LT2 its a Mexican baby!!

On the 26th (so, not so far apart from that first 369) we got the first Faith in the Future mention: (x)

Back then we were innocent people who had no idea what was coming upon us. We still have no idea because what the fuck does he mean with these. Please explain. I have one braincell and I don’t use it enough for this. I’m linking some theories.

On the 30th of March he confirmed he was already working on the documentary. So AFHF was already on the works. Will it take this long for us to get the Veeps numbers? We also got this tweet: "Got a decent chorus idea down" (x).

Same person that got the “something out this year” exclusive. If you know something share with the class. Also. Is this Change? I feel like this could be Change but I also assume he wrote Change after hanging out with his friends or being in Doncaster. But who knows.

(x) And the second mention to 369.

(x) 15th of April. The second "Faith in the future".

On the 19th of April he announced that he had something BIG for us later on the year which turned out to be the Away From Home Festival ♥♥ (x) I love him so much.

Then on the 28th he announced the 369 merch drop (which it’s probably the Walls drop? Except that the TOU and KMM ones were “drop 1 and drop 2” and this was drop 369 which, again, makes no sense) but we still don’t know what 369 means.

Into May’ 21 we go.

He rescheduled tour again. And dropped another bomb (x).

He announced he has signed with BMG as an independent artist by RTing this tweet on May 10th. The article also says that he’s already working on writing and recording LT2. The timing… we don’t know. What this deal involves… we don’t know either. Bear with me here because I have a lot to say about this.

I think the deal is only a distribution one, but that BMG are interested in Louis and what he (us) could bring to the table. They were either present at the festival or watching it, but officially they had no involvement at all with it (everything is credited either to Louis own company, 78 Productions, or Charlie Lightening’s company). That’s the case for both giveaways too; the vinyl one and the tickets for the festival.

I think it would be an unbelievably bad move not to test the waters with BMG now or soon-ish. At least a single, to see how it performs. Due to the circumstances, it’s obvious there’re certain limitations on place but I want to see how they push it, whether the radio play exist this time around and if the song is playlisted and promoted and all that… I would also love to know, since it says he signed with BMG UK, but it also states it’s a global deal, how things are going to go on the US and other countries.

Yes, yes. I know those are all questions and no answers. But I know the same as you, sadly. If any of you know more than you’re letting on… again, share with the class.

Where was I? Yes, on the 25th of May Louis had a great day writing (x). Since the first time he had mentioned he was officially writing to this date there’s almost eight months. And I believe he was writing before October’ 20.

He followed Robert Harvey that day and, on the 28th of May (why is it always the 28th???) he was spotted at the studio for the first time.

June was an interesting month for the fandom ♥. Lots of LHL content which I will love and cherish for the rest of times. On June 4th, June 9th, and June 10th he was spotted at the studio, but I believe he was there more days.

(x)

This was posted on June 6th and captioned Studio. Charlie also shared it with “Mega tunes being put down, can’t wait for this @louist91 #louistomlinson #LT2” as the caption. This gives me 2019 (Elton-Joint) vibes. I like it. Feels like we’re getting closer to something.

He added the Milano date on the 9th too which I’m mentioning because I’m going alone. Anyone wanna go with me please? I’m nice and I never eat anything before a concert so you can have my food. On other news. It didn’t come home.

During July he was at the studio at least three days too. Probably more. Feels like more with all the fan pictures we got. Or was that June? Anyway, July 1st and 9th we got some videos from Robert Harvey and wearesuperhi, which is who Louis has been working with the most, that we know of. I don’t know for sure they’re from that day. And on July 5th we got an article and lots of pictures of Louis looking really good outside the studio.

On the 12th of July the first fans started getting the free, 369 bucket hat and print. We still don’t know what the purpose was other than to thanks fans. Maybe that was it. I want answers and I still think it relates to a future project (see theories above), but it could also just be a bridge with the Walls breaking.

He didn’t tweet about anything interesting for a while, mostly because he lost his phone (he either throwed it in the air or smashed it who knows). Then on the 29th of July he announced the festival!

I’m glossing over it because there’s already been a lot of talk about it (rightfully) and while it was a wonderful thing, it doesn’t have much to do with LT2.

Let’s talk Change!

On August 3rd he tweeted this about the setlist.

(x)

And this (x) on the 28th! I can’t stand him.

We didn’t get it, obviously. Because who was going to get that. But we read too much into things. Alright.

On the 16thof August Dave Gibson shared this post tagged #LT2 with the eyes emojis 👀👀👀. I believe this has to do both with Change but also with whatever else came out of that Mexico trip.

(x) Last relevant tweet related to LT2 is this one.

So, on the 30th of August we got Change and we cried, and we know that Change is going in the new album. He said it. With those exact words. He also said he was “getting a feeling for it”. This has to meant he already has a general idea of the vibe of the new album and what’s going in it!!!!!! (Right? RIGHT?).

Anyway, let’s go back a few weeks because some other things happened on August. He was at the studio a few more times. Or it was suggested that he was there. On the 17th and the 18th. (Why was it so time-pressing to be at the studio instead of rehearsing for the festival? There was no studio at all on the documentary. Which makes sense, but again, then why?).

On the day of the festival we got another mention of Faith in The Future that made me feel part of a cult ngl. The words were flashing on the screen for less than a second. Okay.

And then he tweeted those words again after watching the livestream/documentary on the 4th of September (x). This is what makes me suspect it's either the name of the album or of the single.

On the same day, we got some interesting quotes about LT2 on the documentary.

“Soon I’ll have to think about me second album, which in my head I’ll get the tour out of the way and then I’ll address that. So, I hadn’t really given it much thought, to be honest”.

“When every day is the same is hard to feel creative and it’s hard to have any kind of proper inspiration”.

“As season started to come back, I started writing again and it was great and some of these songs turned out alright”.

And I think this is it. I might be overlooking some important details but that’s what we know and what we don’t know.

So. Conclusions. That’s what you missed on Glee. I do believe the album is, if not mostly done, partially there. And yes, this post is pointless and never-ending but it’s all in here if you need to tell Louis “Hey, you said this, mate”.

[onlyonekenobi]

Hi there 🐝💕 Firstly, thank you so much for your amazing blog.

Secondly, I was a fan of SPN many years ago and fell out of it for a while, only having gotten sucked back in after 15×18 (surprise). Back when I was into it before, there was a lot of discussion about Jensen being potentially homophobic, and now I'm noticing that there's been some..... less than awesome stuff said by Misha, too, in terms of the queerbaiting on the show and having only acted Castiel as in love with Dean this past season.

Obviously the content of the show itself proves this wrong, but it still troubles me, and I couldn't find much about it online other than a few posts by people and one con transcript. Do you have any feedback on this, and would you mind sharing it?

(Thank you so much, and no worries if you don't wanna answer, just keep being awesome!)

Hi!

I’ll do my best here, and I’ll try to track down some sources. also, idk if you sent this question to anyone else as well, but if you did, i’m interested to see what they say. if not, i am flattered to be your Trusted Source.

so, first: jensen re homophobia

I could be wrong, but I don’t remember him ever making any kind of “homophobic” comments OUTSIDE OF things regarding destiel that were construed that way by some fans (if i’m wrong, please let me know). I do remember him shutting down destiel comments, etc, and the infamous “?? no” which has since been debunked by the OP as having been taken out of context. (i can’t find the debunking post on my blog but if anyone has it please link!) with the shutting down destiel comments, he was definitely brash at times! but, I do think it’s also important to note that he and misha were explicitly told not to talk about it. and we know that jensen is (or at least especially used to be) a pretty shy guy, and I think destiel questions/comments being shoved in his face in a public setting- when addressing it could get him in trouble with his job- made him nervous and upset.

however, he took a noticeable shift re: destiel in recent years. for one, we know that he gave his blessing for the canon textual confession (again, I can’t find an og post in my absolute mess of late stage supernatural tags, but if anyone has the receipts, please drop them). I could add more of my own personal spec about how jensen shifted his acting choices in light of this information, but I’ll just move on. we know that he was excited about the confession scene. here’s a second post about that.

and re: general homophobia, here’s a post of jackles with pride flags, as well as a 2019 post from his aunt, who is gay. also, this is largely a shitpost, but I saw it in my jackles tag while looking for the above, and it feels relevant, so i’m including it. a little levity before we move on.

now, misha.

I am aware of misha saying two upsetting things in regards to “the confession wasn’t bury your gays, why are you so angry” Again, if there’s more that i’m forgetting, please let me know. The first was in this panel talk (start at 35:50) from November 22. Here is a relevant post about that moment (I also watched the whole panel live and agree with this post.) The second is this video on twitter, and the following thread, from Nov. 25. However, after several fans replied to him explaining why we were so upset, he issued this apology on Nov. 26. I wanted to give you the original link there, but I’m also including a screenshot with a thoughtful and important addition here. And here is a tweet about Misha finding out about The Castiel Project.

i’ve never heard anything about misha only acting cas as in love for the last season exclusively, so I don’t have any posts to expressly debunk it, but I do firmly believe that to be untrue, just based on things misha has let slip over the years

and for both of them, it’s worth noting that whenever they were asked direct questions about the show, they could only do their best to talk around things like queerbaiting, etc, because they obviously couldn’t actively speak out against the show or the network (like this). for example, we know that misha got a couple phone calls from producers on occasions where he toed the line a little too closely, and he commented how you unfortunately have to listen to the people who have the power to kill off your character (immediately following previous clip)

in conclusion

neither of them are homophobic. to the best of my knowledge, neither of them have ever made an outright homophobic comment. and in cases regarding destiel (again, to the best of my knowledge) they have both either changed course or apologized since making any unsavory comments.

there are also WAY more posts on all this that I didn’t include here. if you search the jensen or misha tags on my blog, or probably the blog of just about anyone i follow, you could look into it more

all that said, it’s also important to note that i am Just Some Guy. i did my best to compile this information in a relevant and meaningful way, but i have oversaturated-sponge-adhd-brain that has been actively following this fandom for a decade, and i’m sure some things got lost in there. so to anyone reading this, if i forgot anything critical, please don’t yell at me, i am but a simple internet jester, just like you.

and while we’re here, I’ll say that- while I do think it’s important to keep a critical eye trained everywhere- if we were going to criticize any spn cast members for unsavory comments, these two are certainly not where i would start

tl;dr, ultimately myself and jensen and misha are all Just Some Guy, and none of us know them, but as far as I can figure, they are both genuinely kind and thoughtful people who care about and respect the lgbt community, including their respective characters’ involvement in it and the real world consequences that has

[geekkatsblog]

Grey's Anaromy 16x16 Review. WTF was that?

My reaction of this episode included spitting my drink out, asking wtf several times and scratching my head. Bailey's reaction is a great representation of mine actually.

Congrats to the writers of Grey's for pulling off the greatest magic trick of all time, making all of Alex's life progress disappear in a single episode.

Let's start off with the most disappointing part (for me at least.)

_________________________________________

Alex and Izzie

I predicted it like last week or the week before, but didn't expect them to do it especially not like this. I know the writers were probably in a tough spot when Justin Chambers left suddenly but........ I feel like they could have done better than that man jeeze.

1st point is do they not know the ways parenting can work. These aren't the days where you HAVE to raise a child in the same house. He could have just have easily moved to Kansas to help raise their kids and they would have had both parents so that excuse was crap.

While we're on the subject of those kids. Who the F**k just uses their fertilized eggs from their ex husband without letting him know????? What was that? She had his kid and didn't tell him wasn't even going to. I loved the Alex and Izzie paring even throughout the whole Denny fiasco I shipped them but it's been years since we've heard from Izzie and now she has Alex's kids and helps him ditch his wife? Did he even tell her about Jo???

It just boggles my mind that Alex would just up and leave his wife who has abandonment issues and finally felt comfortable.

_________________________________________

Jo

Out of all of them I felt the most sorry for Jo, I read everyone on twitter was blasting him for leaving Meredith his Person without telling her face to face. No that's not how it works marriage is definitely the most important bond along with family. He could have left everyone else with a letter but Jo, nope, Jo deserved a face to face conversation and what the hell was his letter to her. If it wasn't for the kids "I would have come back to you." What is that? He could have come back to her and explained either tell her he was leaving OR just move Jo to Kansas with him. The excuse was poor. I've watched Jo and Alex hate each other then start their bond at Bailey's wedding then have their ups and downs until eventually becoming one of the most solid relationships on Grey's, and you mean after all of that he just leaves her a letter? Don't even get me started on the fact that he stood by her side the whole time during Meredith's trial while secretly talking to Izzie about his kids and possibly their reunion and never even told Jo anything. Not even a hint???? Wow 16 years of character development POOF...... gone.

I'm hoping not seeing that the really did sell me the brother and sister thing between her and Link so this better not be a set up for a potential relationship.

_________________________________________

Meredith

Not gonna lie his letter to Meredith was probably the most heartfelt one which is crap. How are you going to write the letter to your bestfriend with more meaning than the one to your wife??? The moment with her having to tell Zola that Alex wasn't coming back was heartwrenching after all Alex was almost like a 2nd dad to Zola, Bailey and Ellis. What he told Meredith about being her own damn person is right. She's been through so many tragedies and made it though but I'm crying on the inside for her because like she quoted once. Everyone's leaving and everyone's dying. Shes the last one left of her intern family and the only one left who can really share her memories and all she's been through now is Bailey and Webber and that has to be a hard and startling realization but like Alex said she'll be fine.

_________________________________________

Bailey

Bailey's letter was another one that felt like What is this? to me. It just didn't make sense and Bailey's reaction was perfect. Idk if it was just me but in my opinion after George I always thought that Alex was her favorite 🤷🏾‍♀️. Then after the whole round about letter and something about sushi pizza, hes like bye I love you and peaches out. Wow just wow.

But on the other hand her and Ben have decided to adopt Joey great and all but what was the big thing then about keeping the foster kids as a family. The whole they need to be together just went out the window. In my opinion they could have left out the others but hey 🤷🏾‍♀️. And thank God for at least one couple realizing they need to communicate now say it louder for the people in the back. I'm also gonna take this time to laugh at the you change careers like sweaters line that was hilarious and so true. I've been saying that since the fire fighting thing lol.

_________________________________________

Richard

Now I know they're not going to get rid of Richard too sure hes old, but turn him into a teacher, hell he's been teaching the residents quite fine. But don't give him Parkinson's disease that's just cold. And can he be happy for once please? Pretty please he's been through enough.

_________________________________________

End notes and questions

• How could they make Alex do this to Jo after all of the character development? (I get the writers were backed into a corner but the whole Izzie having his kids thing and him suddenly just ghosting everyone. I'm going with my asteroid theory, an asteroid hit and he was abducted and replaced because there had to be a better way, besides Izzie had my kids I had to go .....Jeeze.

• Richard better not be going anywhere and they better not kill his career unless they have a back up plan. Also let him be happy for like 5 minutes please. It's just one thing after the other for him. The Parkinson's thing might be too much.

• What the hell was all the commotion about with the foster kids staying together. If there was no plan in place for the rest they shouldn't had emphasized so much on keeping them together only to separate them it makes no sense.

• How is Jo going to take this? Is she going to have another breakdown. Are her and Link going to be together?

• What's Meredith going to do now that all her people are gone? Or is Dr Haynes going to be her new person as well.

• What's going on with Deluca?

• Who's Amelia's baby daddy ?

• And what's going to happen with the hot mess Teddy put herself in?

At this point I'm sure one of the writers of Grey's has a person who got away because this situation has occurred a lot. April and Mathew, Riggs and Megan and now Alex and Izzie.

But nice job with the flashbacks it brought back nostalgia and soothed some of the burn.

[vnshkk]

Let's talk about Kyo's media blackout.

It is with a slight reluctance that I post this. It's not wise to mention Tanuki online nor share what they talk about within the overseas fandom for a multiple of reasons. 

1. I don't want them to get angry at me

2. I don't want the overseas fandom to flip out and judge the Japanese fandom

3. I just want everyone to be chill and happy and flowers

But I've seen a lot of people freaking out, a lot of random theories floating around and people worrying so I wanted to post this theory and open it for discussion. 

Of course this isn't fact. It's pure speculation. But given the timeframe, PERSONALLY I feel like this may have had something to do with Kyo decision. 

So I post this with two DISCLAIMERs. 

1. As mentioned this is not in any way fact. There is no proof that Kyo does or doesn't look at Tank. I simply find it interesting the sequence of events, the timing of the media blackout and I am only translating this for those who are interested. I hope this doesn't cause any huge arguments or any bad blood. It's simple here to discuss and consider.

2. Please do not judge the whole fandom based on Tank. Just like any forum, any comment section on the world wide web; there will be people who leave negative feed back. It is a tiny portion of people and not a reflection of the Japanese fandom as a whole. Judging them based on what they said would be like someone looking at negative comments or sarcastic jokes on Tumblr and judging the English speaking fandom. That's not to say what they post is okay, but it's just dumb shit posting and shouldn't be taken to heart. 

you get me fam?

Okay, so I contemplated posting screenshots and translating what happened immediately after Kyo changed his profile picture up to when he deleted everything but as I said I don't want to be taken out by angry tank users so I'm just gonna translate a selection of posts. 

These posts are taken from the Meg thread (remember the girl linking arms with him at a concert? That's Meg.) which to be honest is a shit show. It was a thread born from those notorious pics and for over a year now has remained a place where people post rumours, shit talk, complain and just make shit up a lot of the time. So please, AGAIN, bare that in mind. It is a place of negativity born from a scandal that shocked a lot of the fandom. Aint nothing nice ever gonna be said there. Periodt. In reality a lot of the people who post there are still fans of Kyo. I think they're just still a little hurt by the way it came to light about Meg. 

After Kyo posted his new picture I checked tank before going to bed because I was curious about what their reactions would be and everyone had exploded. During the 7 hours I was asleep Kyo deleted everything and left the internet forever so tbh given the fact he was probably bored in a hotel in Fukuoka, just did a radio show, probs wanted to see peoples reaction, etc I personally, believe he was on Tank. This is a running theme in the thread itself and people often say he actively browses it (this is not a major thing, a lot of guys in bands browse tank same as celebs browse twitter. Why Kyo would look at the meg thread in particular? idk. ) 

SO TLDR 

Yesterday around 7pm the thread suddenly changed to mixed reactions after Kyo changed his Twitter pic. 

"His new twitter icon had me shook lol" 

"I hope he changes his instagram one too" 

"Idk I don't like how quickly he's become some kind of social media old fogey" 

"Kyo's turned into a social media monster too" (*edit; my bad Yuchi is beer monster, Shinya is social media monster lol)

"It's kinda cheap" 

"I get you, it's like he's lost his values" (probably because Kyo has always made big deal about how much of himself he shares) 

 It continued like that for a while with people more or less saying the same thing until he posts about leaving social media.

"He just suddenly said he's not gonna do social media anymore" 

"lol after he went to all the effort of changing his profile picture" 

"I'm shook" 

"annoying 40 year old nut job" 

"Bet you he came on here"  

"Do you normally change you icon then quit" 

"Join Kyo online" 

"idg why even though Kyo's had so many haters since he first started twitter he's suddenly affected by it??" 

"I still think he's cute even when he's sulking like this lol" 

"I knew he was looking at Tanuki"

"I don't get why he's suddenly deleting it after all this time?? It's like what is this old man on about?" 

"It's lame how he's making such a big deal of out saying he's quitting" 

(lots of people agreed with this post saying that he's acting childish)

"I wonder what happened? Like everything seemed fine recently. I mean we'll never know but like I'm sure he has a lot going on.." 

"I can't believe he basically wiped his instagram clean but left all the pics of cake and omurice lmao" 

"If only he'd go to sleep earlier and eat a banana the serotonin would fix everything" 

The random comments and mixed reactions continued for all of Friday.  One of the main points that stuck out after the initial reactions was how people began to become suspicious that this was merely a tactic to get people to join Kyo online with people claiming this was typical of business man kyo,  that it was about that time of year where they usually begin to advertise and promote in order to get new members. 

So, allow me to play devils advocate for a second. As someone who is a member of Kyo online I have to admit since he started posting more and more online (compared to hardly ever on Kyo online), the membership has become more or less invalid. In the past it was worth the money for the videos and pictures that as fans we rarely saw. But if he's going to post them online then it raises the question (tickets to concerts aside) is there any point in being a member if you can just get the content for free?  I'd imagine that this plays some kind of role in why the reactions are often negative. Members of Kyo online have suddenly gone from having something exclusive that was only for them, to simply being a part of something anyone can access. 

Another point someone brought up is that whilst it's acceptable for Kyo to be upset. It is very, very childish and the timing is selfish.  Sukekiyo literally made their instagram days ago and suddenly Kyo states how he isn't going to post online anymore. This act instantly casts a negative feel on Sukekiyo's insta. It almost gives a vibe that any picture Kyo is in might be "against his will". Kyo is not new to criticism. He's been in this game for 20 plus years. Everyone who is in the Indies scene knows about Tank. Every fan, every bandmen, knows it's a bad place filled with mostly shit posting and rumours and doesn't represent fans a whole. 

The meg thread is simply fans flogging a dead horse, posting any poor Japanese girl with a straight fringe and some tattoos, anyone who looks even a little like Meg and saying she MUST be a groupie of Kyo. Which begs the question why would Kyo go there? Why would he look at that? Why would he want to subject himself to that kind of thing and then punish the majority for some dumb comments a few bored fans made? What was he expecting by going there?

Of course there is no proof Kyo lurks. But the reality is he probably does, I mean he's only human, he' s bound to be curious about fans reactions for Madara, etc and where else to get honestly reactions than an anonymous forum? Personally, as someone who has lurked tank for a few years now, I think he reads it. There have been times in the past where he's mentioned certain things, done certain things and I've thought "hmmm that's weird tank was literally talking about that". But once again there's no proof. It's just one of those vibes you get sometimes. (one major one I can think of is during the interview for mode of gauze where he said everyone massively complained about it. I know people can submit questionnaires after lives but I feel that a lot of Japanese people are more brutally honest when they can hide behind anonymity. ) 

Considering the "staff" posted a pic of his feet on the sukekiyo instagram today, I feel like this is just Kyo being (sorry to say) butthurt and it might just blow over.  A lot of the comments mention his age, mention how he's clearly trying and failing to copy 20 year olds by using insta, that he's lame or cringe and that's gonna hurt anyones pride. But I honestly think Kyo should be looking at the billions of comments on instagram of people who love him rather than a few trolls online. 

So with that being said I hope this was an interesting read and gave a little insight into why Kyo is often private. It was a big deal that he was posting so much and actively using instagra. I for one was very happy. I believe that in this day and age it is something that is required in order to engage with your audience and keep a good relationship. Hazuki and Ruki are good examples of this and Ive been saying for the longest time I wish Kyo would get more on board with it. So it's a shame he's left at the first hurdle. 

Oh well. This is why we can't have anything nice isn't it. 

[scige-alt]

YOUR ALIAS & NICKNAMES — james bt usually its spelled JAMES bt irl i’ve been called jimbo and jam and jammies and jimjam n w/e endearing terms bc i am precious

AGE — 20

TIMEZONE — est

PREFERRED PRONOUNS — she/they bt the she is more out of convenience fr others n also nothing bothers me

MBTI — istp i share this with bri and also my character viktor bt ive also gotten infp before i think which is almost the complete opposite so! take tht as u will

HP HOUSE — oh wait i actually know this i took a fckn quiz hold on. ok i took this fucker right here and i got burned gryffindor primary, model hufflepuff primary, gryffindor secondary, n model hufflepuff secondary which boils down 2 ... i dont know

ARE YOU A STUDENT? WHAT DO YOU STUDY? — technically yes but i havent taken a class in a year bt i used to be a social work major n then i was gna switch to english n then i wanted to do environmental / coastal / marine biology / science bt then i realized i cant do math so idk

ARE YOU ENJOYING IT? — i was :/

LINKS TO OTHER ACCOUNTS & SOCIAL MEDIA — i dont like being perceived bt my twitter is @fauxcherub and my pinterest is @offbrandsodapop / big tid and im too lazy 2 link them so im sry bt also my rph is @svrgcnts​ n my theme is unfinished ignore it

DISCORD USER — sniff#3644 i think

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FICTION GENRE? — i like modern fantasy / urban fantasy just like. modern magic. modern. bt mostly fr books. fr like films n tv shows i dont know i binge watch gossip girl and eat several oranges

TOP FIVE FAVOURITE FILMS — i ...... dont know .... pride n prejudice, austin powers, halloweentown n co’, the princess bride, the princess diaries or ella enchanted

A BOOK YOU FEEL “CHANGED” YOU? — i read the darkest minds when i was a freshmen in high school and it was the first book that ever made me cry and i think it unlocked the part of me that genuinely feels emotion because ever since i read it i cry multiple times a week to every single day at like. everything. so. its not even a revolutionary book i just really liked it

A MOVIE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? — probably pride n prejudice i wont lie but also if something stars mike myers chances r that its on my mind

WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? — aquarius sun, aquarius moon, cancer rising

ARE YOU INTO ASTROLOGY? — not 2 the point where i hate u if ur a gemini i just think its fun 2 b like ‘haha i do that’

WHAT PLATFORMS HAVE YOU ROLEPLAYED ON? — facebook n club penguin

WHAT OTHER HOBBIES DO YOU HAVE? — im a shell of a person.

HAVE ANY PETS? IF SO, TALK ABOUT THEM! — harley n bodhi i love them and so do u harley is a pit mix maybe possibly idk? and bodhi’s a shiba and theyre opposites. harley is so nice. bodhi is an asshole. i love them so much

IS THERE A TV SHOW YOU RECOMMEND A LOT? — i rly liked fleabag but schitt’s creek mostly. i also liked the politician but i want to punt ryan murphy so. i think the haunting of hill house is also a good show

ANY SHOWS YOU LIKE SOME MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT YOU DO? — i think im too predictable bt if anybody wants to tell me the answer to this please do

WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? — god i think i was reading strange the dreamer by laini taylor or smth like that bt ya i was enjoying it even though i stopped halfway thru and havent picked it up in a year

CURRENTLY READING? — i cant read

LAST FILM? REC IT? — the joker and no.

THREE MOVIES YOU NEED TO WATCH — practical magic bt i told myself i wouldnt watch it until i do my replies, perks of being a wallflower, n uuuhhh beautiful boy (thank u neen)

WHAT MOVIE DO YOU THINK YOU’VE SEEN THE MOST TIMES? — austin powers or halloweentown or shrek i wont lie its probably shrek yeah its shrek

WHAT ALWAYS PUTS YOU IN A GOOD MOOD? — the gc usually :/

WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE MUSICIAN / BAND? LIST IF THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE. — lady lamb bt im mad at her bc she hasnt toured to florida and all i want is to see her live bt im really feeling bay faction lately bt also mcr bc im emo but im kind of a few songs frm every artist type of person n not like entire discographies except fr the bands ive just listed

WILD NIGHT OUT OR QUIET NIGHT IN? — house parties r cool bt i like 2 be. in bed most of the time

ANY PHOBIAS? — none tht i can recall atm bt i have a lot of anxieties in general :/

DO YOU LIKE BUGS? — depends on the bug ...

BIRDS? — mostly no but ig it depends on the bird ... i like them frm afar bt their talons scare me

ARE YOU A CAT OR DOG PERSON? BOTH? — im v allergic to cats bt i want a cat so mf badly. but also ig im a dog person bc ive. always owned a dog

BIGGEST PET PEEVE? — like. not being self aware. passive aggression. the rpc

FAVOURITE THING ABOUT THE RPC? — this is a trick question

TOP TEN FAVE FCS TO USE? — dev patel, avan jogia, natalia dyer, bill skarsgard, medalion rahimi, naomi scott, ella purnell, freya mavor, liana liberato, sky ferreira.

FIVE YOU LIKE WRITING AGAINST? — i dnt rly focus on the fcs of other muses so i dnt think i can answer this. austin butler.

FAVOURITE TYPE OF FOOD? — mexican food i would eat it everyday if i could

WORST FOOD? — i think sushi is gross

DO YOU PLAY VIDEOGAMES? IF SO, WHAT ONES AND ON WHAT PLATFORM DO YOU PREFER? — not frequently. i like the bioshock like. series. universe. bt i like point n click adventures a lot ... deponia is my favorite game series theres like four of them n ive finished them in 8 consecutive hours each. i only use pc

ANYTHING ELSE YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH THE TAG? — im so sleepy

LASTLY, HOW DID YOU FIND US? — drama SJNKDFMG

[nateadwell]

task 001

ty for this opportunity to talk about myself it’s my fave thing

YOUR ALIAS & NICKNAMES — perks is my name, but people call me all sorts of things AGE — 24 TIMEZONE — central PREFERRED PRONOUNS — she/her but you could refer to me as a tit and i would respond MBTI — enfp HP HOUSE — slytherin babey ARE YOU A STUDENT? WHAT DO YOU STUDY? — i am a student!! i have a bachelors in english with a minor in creative writing n i’m currently on hiatus from a masters in teaching AND i’m applying to creative writing mfas rn ARE YOU ENJOYING IT? — uhh no :-) LINKS TO OTHER ACCOUNTS & SOCIAL MEDIA — twitter is @hocusperkus, pinterest is /perkseatsass, rp tumblr is @pcrks, my personal tumblr is @cwnt, n my letterboxd is /pcrks but ignore it bc i just made it like a few weeks ago thanks DISCORD USER — perks#9525 WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FICTION GENRE? — oooo i love ya fantasy!!! but i’m also super into horror and thriller and crime novels too TOP FIVE FAVOURITE FILMS — o dear. shutter island!!!!!!, howl’s moving castle, v for vendetta, spirited away, n primal fear maybe i think A BOOK YOU FEEL “CHANGED” YOU? — it’s a collection of poetry but kim addonizio’s what is this thing called love is fantastic!!!! and should be read by everyone A MOVIE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? — i have lots of dreams where i’m in the spirited away universe/world so probably spirited away WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? — leo sun, cancer moon, capricorn rising ARE YOU INTO ASTROLOGY? — yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT PLATFORMS HAVE YOU ROLEPLAYED ON? — tumblr n jcink WHAT OTHER HOBBIES DO YOU HAVE? i write poetry, i read a lot, and i sleep HAVE ANY PETS? IF SO, TALK ABOUT THEM! — i have two cats, jinx and matilda. they’re brother n sister and i love them to pieces!! i also have two dogs. a shih tzu named finn who is an absolute tyrant and a chihuahua (mix? maybe) named apollo who is the actual spawn of satan idk where he comes from but he’s scary IS THERE A TV SHOW YOU RECOMMEND A LOT? —  i love tv so there’s a lot of shows i recommend tbqh. the tops are fleabag, harlots, handmaid’s tale, and outlander bc i’m a slut for period pieces apparently ANY SHOWS YOU LIKE SOME MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT YOU DO? — outlander?? idk i get the impression that most people who watch it are older but that could just be me misinterpreting things WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? — shari lapena’s a stranger in the house. it’s not the best but it’s pr good!! CURRENTLY READING? — the flight attendant by chris bohjalian LAST FILM? REC IT? — inspector gadget and ofc i do THREE MOVIES YOU NEED TO WATCH — the nightingale, joker, and call me by your name bc i feel like i’m missing out but ?? we’ll see WHAT MOVIE DO YOU THINK YOU’VE SEEN THE MOST TIMES? — shutter island WHAT ALWAYS PUTS YOU IN A GOOD MOOD? — having my cat lay on top of my keyboard so he can get in some snuggles or drinking a rlly cold dr pepper after i haven’t had one in a while or my brother giving me one of his super famous, world-renowned hugs WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE MUSICIAN / BAND? LIST IF THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE. — wolf! alice! is!! my favorite!!!!!! i wish they would put out new music WILD NIGHT OUT OR QUIET NIGHT IN? — quiet night in, most definitely ANY PHOBIAS? — cockroaches. idk what it is but they make me queasy and i can’t be in the same room as one. also vomit. can’t do it DO YOU LIKE BUGS? — i don’t mind spiders or like..... ladybugs, but not particularly no BIRDS? — yes i lub them ARE YOU A CAT OR DOG PERSON? BOTH? — i like both but i definitely prefer cats!! BIGGEST PET PEEVE? — loud chewing probably FAVOURITE THING ABOUT THE RPC? — creating new characters. it’s super fun and i can’t get enough of it honestly TOP TEN FAVE FCS TO USE? — bill skarsgård, zoey deutch, rami malek, robert pattinson, anya taylor joy, lily collins, taron egerton, dev patel, daniel kaluuya, n zoë kravitz FIVE YOU LIKE WRITING AGAINST? — zoey deutch, laura harrier, saoirse ronan, alexa demie, n zendaya coleman FAVOURITE TYPE OF FOOD? — texmex WORST FOOD? — prunes/plums bc i’m allergic :-( DO YOU PLAY VIDEOGAMES? IF SO, WHAT ONES AND ON WHAT PLATFORM DO YOU PREFER? — yes i do!! i prefer pc games but i also love the nintendo switch and the ps4. rn i’ve been watching a lot of death stranding let’s plays but my fave games are breath of the wild, the nancy drew games, the uncharted games, n the tomb raider games ANYTHING ELSE YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH THE TAG? — i just nearly swallowed a whole peanut butter m&m and i have tears streaming down my face but its gucci LASTLY, HOW DID YOU FIND US? — i’ve known neen for a super long time so anytime she comes out with something new, i peep it

[sharkiegorath]

On Elias

[this is the third (3rd) time I’ve tried posting this since Tumblr’s mobile search/tag search keeps eating the post. because it’s perfectly fine with showing untagged personal posts and spam whenever you search for something, but randomly decides when to show Actual Content]

ok look I know people don’t always read the OP’s tags but I keep getting “I’M SURE HE’S EVIL” comments on a pair of gifsets with fairly obviously positive parallels and reblogging something just to definitively say “that mysterious character is eviiiiiiil” is Not Cool, even if it’s in the tags.

Yes, recent commentator, Elias definitely broke into the house. It's probably why he suggested that the Johnsons go out in the first place! But the common assumption is A) that he planted the books and B) that he did so for a malicious reason. It seems as obvious as it could possibly be while remaining unconfirmed. It seems so obvious in such a twisty show that I think it isn’t that straightforward.

Gosh, where to begin? Firstly, names and etymology are pretty good theory fodder and Easter eggs, e.g., ‘Hap’=haphephobia and all its ‘hap’-prefixed variants; ‘Khatun’ is both an old title of nobility and a modern word referring to any woman. 'Rahim' means ‘merciful’ or 'servant of the merciful'. 'Elias' is a cognate of 'Elijah'. Elijah was the Abrahamic prophet who sort of had a special connection with women and children; who was cared for by an angel; who resurrected the dead; who entered Heaven without dying at the end of his earthly life; who is sometimes believed to have become an angel. All of this information is available on Wikipedia! So even if Elias did plant the books, I don’t automatically assume he’s malicious.

There’s this interesting bit in an interview with The Atlantic:

Marling: [...] I think one of the original stories that was influential actually comes from Jewish mysticism. Do you know it?

Kornhaber: Is this leaving the door open for Elijah at Passover?

Marling: Yeah. It’s so beautiful. I think it’s amazing to try and use that as a reminder of trying to stay open. I struggle with that all the time. You get scared and you close the door. But I think The OA, she’s inviting them to let a new thing in.

(Principal Gilchrist's first name is another cognate of Elijah - 'Ellis' - and his surname means 'servant of Christ'. People have made the connection between Ellis and his "water under the bridge" comment to Ellis Island and the nearby Statue of Liberty, plus he has a snow globe of the latter.)

Elias’ potential connection with an ‘evil’ Rachel was probably debunked early by Zal Batmanglij on Twitter: the plants in her cell died because she refuses to water them as an act of rebellion. I'm too lazy to go through the whole thing about why her name being on the office wall in large Braille doesn't automatically mean she works there in the first place. I think she and Elias are connected (because of his car crash analogy and the “[My brother] never got to hear it”/”I’m a listener” lines), but I doubt it’s as evil agents.

Elias is shocked and defensive when he bumps into French in the house - but the scene follows French, so of course we aren't shocked and suspicious about French’s presence. Basically, the audience has had the same reaction to Elias breaking in as Elias initially has to French breaking in. Part of what makes Elias seem suspicious is his reaction. IMO Elias doesn't even imply or confirm that the OA was lying  - he just doesn't correct French. The other 'suspicious' thing he does is...move his eyes while hugging French, which isn’t incriminating on its own since the emotion is ambiguous.

There's confusing reasoning behind why Elias would place the books in the first place. The books seem tailored to match major aspects of the OA's story. The immediate assumption is that if someone planted the books, they meant for the Crestwood Five to find them and conclude that she based lies upon them. But if that's the case, Elias likely had no way of knowing that French would break in, go to her room, thoroughly search her room, and look where he did. There was no guarantee that any of the Five would find the books, jump to the conclusion that OA was lying, then share the discovery with the others.

Alternatively, you could argue that Elias planted the books intending for someone else to find them during an investigation and use it as proof that OA was making up stories, and the Five would fall for it in the process. But in that case, why did he let French leave with all of the books? And remember, Buck kept one and the rest let him. It’s possible that they submitted the other books to the FBI offscreen, or that Elias replaced the books. But I’ve never seen the theory cover what happened to the books after the reveal, so I won’t play with that hypothetical situation here.

Maybe Elias planted the books for someone else to find and didn’t know French took them. After all, we don't know what happened after the hug. But that introduces a new set of logical problems. How would French sneak a big, heavy box out of the house? He could take it if Elias had already left or wasn’t watching him...but why would Elias leave French unsupervised? Does anyone think that Elias ensured French left, then French broke in again not long afterwards and took the books, all offscreen? And couldn’t his presumably nearby car be a potential giveaway?

So, the books don't make much sense as an attempt to disillusion the Five. Some people think French's reaction stretches audience suspension of disbelief, right - I think it's an even bigger stretch that the FBI would predict a break-in and his reaction. To a lesser extent, the books also don't make sense as an attempt to frame OA, because they end up with the boys and don’t seem to play a role beyond breaking their faith. As for how French took the books while Elias was there, Elias advocates strategic passivity and avoids direct persuasion; I don't find it outlandish that French would say something like "I need to show proof to the others" then take the box, and Elias wouldn’t protest because it's not part of his agenda either way.

The next most obvious explanation for the books is if they really are OA’s. They weren’t necessarily used to construct a lie.  

In the previous episode, OA had a conversation with BBA about how cultures that suffer more loss tend to have more totems. OA knew this because of an exhibit that she loved so much as a child that she made her parents take her back twice. It made a lasting impact on her, as evidenced by the wolf hoodie that reminds her of Homer’s. BBA is not with the boys when French reveals the books, so she doesn't even have the chance to recall that conversation. We don’t know if BBA learned about the books after the boys did. And the books were specifically stored beneath the wolf hoodie. The Five may not be aware of the hoodie’s significance; Elias wouldn’t know the hoodie’s significance unless OA wore it to a session and he asked why she has a hoodie with a wolf on it, or she spontaneously told him, both of which seem a bit far-fetched. (Onscreen, at least, she never wore it to a therapy session.)

Ehh, miscellaneous notes:

It’s uncertain that OA can read English text. But the conversation with BBA says that the Thing Itself isn't as important as what it symbolises. (“Objects carry meaning in difficult times.”) She doesn't need to be able to read the books in order for them to mean something. Anyway, she might’ve been bilingual from a young age; she was 7 or 8 when she went blind and she seems fluent in English by the time we see her in the American boarding school. (There might be proof that she can write in English, since she signed the bottom of the note she left for her parents? It’s been interpreted both ways so idk.)

The Five getting discovered in the abandoned house probably wasn’t set up by Elias. BBA had previously slipped and told Principal Gilchrist about it while driving to save Steve.

I don’t strongly rule it out, but I don’t think Elias spied on the Five, because he only realises who French is when he tells him his name. Unless he’s pretending.

Why were the books under OA’s bed, under the hoodie? Maybe she hid her totems in case her parents found them, since Nancy already thought she had delusions that could easily be linked to The Oligarchs and The Iliad. It’s unclear to me, but there might be a moment in the first episode where OA shoves the video camera under her bed (starts at 29:15-ish), foreshadowing that she might’ve done the same thing with the books later.

The issues I have with my own theory are:

According to the label on the Amazon box, the books were delivered in September. That's at odds with how OA's video was posted in February 2016. But the FBI (or another organisation) ordering the books also doesn't make sense: they would’ve been planning to discredit her months before she returned or assembled the Five or told her story. Even if they knew about the experiments, Hap dumping OA on the road in February seemed entirely spontaneous; that itself was the result of a seemingly random event (getting caught by the sheriff). More importantly, I’d question why the boys didn't notice the discrepancy in dates, and why the FBI didn't realise it themselves. (Like, all they had to do was remove the label or use a different box.) How can they predict a very specific chain of events yet not be smart enough to remove a label? It’s not impossible in the broader scope of the story - maybe they have reality-warping powers, maybe there’s time travel involved - but right now it’s a big stretch just to support the basic theory that Elias planted the books. So I suspect the label is a minor production oversight. Considering exactly how briefly the date is onscreen and difficult to read even when the scene is paused, I think it wasn’t meant to be read by the audience. (Compare the length of the date’s visibility and its readability to earlier in the scene, when French looks at the newspaper clippings, or whenever a phone/computer screen takes up the frame.)

How did OA order the books? The hardest part is how she went online, but she could’ve placed the order sometime in the first episode before the router was taken away. It’s possible to order things from Amazon without a credit card and have them sent to a pickup point or post office, so that’s not a big issue if she had money somewhere (or stole it from her parents, which is 100% in-character for her). Sneaking the package into the house is another problem - but, then again, she’s cunning and her room is conveniently located so things can fairly easily go in/out of her window.

Elias suggested that the Johnsons go out for a family dinner. That somewhat complicates the timeframe he would’ve had for breaking in; if the outing had gone 'normally' they would've returned home before it was very late, yet still at an unpredictable time. (Again, he probably had no way of knowing they’d choose French's workplace, that it’d go badly, etc.) He was unable to break into the Johnsons' home on the night the OA finished her story, which is why he broke in later on, when French did. I guess Nancy and Abel went home after the incident at the Olive Garden and Elias saw the house was occupied, so he waited, and luckily for him they left the next day?

I’m not sure whether Elias lies when French asks if OA told him about Homer, the mine, and Hap’s studies. She told Elias specifics about the first and third premonitions, but it’s unclear how much she explained the second, Homer wasn’t mentioned by name onscreen, and we don’t know if she talked about the movements and angels. It’s worth noting that right after their last session, Elias does lie. OA explained her dreams, including the previous night’s. Afterwards, Nancy assumes Elias knows what happened last night...but he says no, seemingly to see how Nancy explains it. He’s capable of minor lies to Learn Things for ambiguous reasons. (Does he lie to Nancy for OA’s benefit? Or is it because he doesn’t trust OA, or is it simply an effort to hear different sides? I think the tone of the scene suggests he’s trying to help OA, but you might think it’s deliberately misleading. Anyway, they’re not all mutually exclusive motives.)

If the books really were OA’s, what was her reaction when she returned home and they were missing? She probably wouldn't tell her parents. But what would she think happened? Possibly she might be able to put two and two together since she’d previously helped Steve sneak into her room. Maybe she doesn’t seem sad right before the shooting because she deduced that the Five wanted to help her, and she didn’t know that the boys concluded she was lying.

We might be able to get general sense of where The OA is headed by examining Brit and Zal's previous work. Sound of My Voice is the most similar. One of the most common (and plausible) theories for SOMV is that Maggie was telling the truth and the 'FBI agent' wasn't actually an FBI agent. But there are other reused elements that were subverted: OA is much less intimidating and more personable than Maggie; the Five are inclined to believe her without being cult-like; the agent was trying to catch Maggie without her knowledge instead of possibly pretending to help her. I kinda hope it's a meta Red Herring planted for people who've watched both.

Elias was in the house for a reason. I think the video camera and all of the tapes might be a Chekhov's Gun. Brit Marling said something along the lines of "it’s worthy to question Elias’ motives"; he doesn’t necessarily have Good intentions. However, him planting the books isn’t a sure thing and we know nothing about whatever he did in the time gap before the shooting; there’s no indication that he helped or hindered OA in any way, if they’re still in contact, etc. So I think it’s a Bit Much to leap to "ELIAS IS EVIL" Not everyone who thinks he planted the books assumes he’s evil, which is nice. But it's Tiring seeing the evil accusation treated as if it's rare or a new theory, especially considering the depth of analysis that the rest of the show receives.

[zoejo81]

My Mental Health Story

(October 10, 2017)

I never really thought I’d tell this story. It just seemed too personal for me to share, I kept worrying that it would trigger someone (I apologize if it does), and I’ve spent months typing the whole thing into my phone, trying to think of the right words to say. But since today is World Mental Health Day, I feel like I’m ready to share what’s been kind of a secret, for a while. For the record, I am not sharing this story to complain, get attention, make others feel bad for me, or anything like that. I also don’t care if I get in trouble for the things I’m going to say. This is just a little more about me, that I want others to know, and that I hope will help someone that might need it. Anyway, this is the story about my struggles with mental health… I was always a happy person, growing up. I kept on top of everything, had a great childhood, and had an appreciation for life so big, that I thought nothing would get in the way of it! But then, things took a turn, halfway into my sophomore year. Maybe it was the bad experiences I had in my first couple years of costumes crew (for theater), or the relationships with my siblings falling apart, ever since my parents’ divorce in 7th grade, or my life-long insecurities beginning to take me over, or maybe even a mix of all three… whatever it was, made me begin to suffer from depression, social anxiety, and negative body image.

Between the beginning of 2016, and the end of my sophomore year, my self esteem plummeted. I became so insecure about every single part of my body and face, that I absolutely HATED them. Along with that, my social anxiety kept escalating, to the point where I thought everyone around me was scrutinizing and judging me, even on a day that I loved what I was wearing. Not only that, but getting ready for school everyday, or even to step out of my house for one minute, felt like preparing for a battle… one where I’d be the first one to get killed. Eventually, these things lead me to really hate not just my appearance, but even myself, as a person. I constantly thought no one would take me seriously for being autistic (even though I’m high functioning), that no one would accept me, if I told them I was asexual, that the people I hung out with (even my best friends) only pretended to like me, but really didn’t care about me at all, or that none of my opinions on certain topics mattered to anyone else. I felt broken, in a way, and even started to lose sleep, as well as the urge and motivation to get anything done. The only thing left that I could do, was put a fake smile on my face, in order to mask the pain that I was dealing with.

My lowest point occurred over the summer after that school year finished. I felt so depressed, that for several days, mostly in July, I couldn’t get myself to get out of bed, not even to take a shower, or do anything else that was usually easy. All I felt I could do, was lay there, stare at the ceiling, and think about every single thought that was practically drowning me; my fears of growing up, and being alone in the real world, my beliefs that people didn’t care about me, how none of my rude siblings understood or gave a sh*t about what I going through, how I wished I could go back to the happy, easy life I had as a kid, every single thing about myself that I hated, whether or not the things I wanted to do, in the near future, were ever going to happen, my worries that I won’t be successful in fashion design, not even with a degree or the skills I have, and why I constantly felt like crying, but couldn’t.

There were times that I got myself to work on new designs, which I managed to stay passionate about, and got to do some fun things, like visit one of my dream schools in Chicago, did some cool things for my 17th birthday, and was able to temporarily escape from reality, by going to Lac du Bois (a French language camp located in Bemidji) for my 3rd time; those as well as whenever my favorite youtuber (and biggest inspiration), Connor Franta, uploaded a new video, were the few times I actually felt ok… but the rest of the time, I had no energy or desire to do anything, and overall, felt extremely unhappy.

Depression, as far as I’ve heard, is different for everyone that has/had it. For me, I feel fortunate to have been able to not let it destroy my passion for the things I love, but I still felt like I was in a deep mental slump, that was gradually getting worse, and I didn’t know how to control it. I also felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about my problems… not even to people I trusted or have gone through similar things. My social anxiety kept getting in the way, and made me think that people weren’t going to understand or believe me, or say my feelings weren’t valid, because they claimed that what they were going through was worse. Yes, I do know that people do go through worse things, and I do feel really sorry for them… but the thought of others not validating my struggles made me feel even worse about myself.

Things started to get slightly better, once I started junior year, as I finally started to feel appreciated for my work in theater, began to spend more time with my friends, and even got to meet Connor Franta a second time. But, I was still struggling with my mental health, because of the amount of homework I was getting, I continued to get a lack of sleep, I couldn’t stop feeling anxious and scared about all the political events that were taking place (I think we all know what I mean by that). I also continued to keep everything to myself, and worried that I was never gonna go back to being the happy person I used to be…

The moment the new year arrived, I was desperate to make a change. I didn’t want to be this depressed, anxious, and unmotivated person anymore, and I really wanted to find a way to be happy again. Having realized this, I immediately got to work on trying to achieve that goal, and ended up making 2017 my year of recovery. I started, by making 2 Spotify playlists; one full of songs I listened to, in times of struggle, as well as to boost my self esteem, and another to document the songs I listen to, over the course of the year (I’ll link them at the end, if you’re interested in checking them out).

I then was scrolling through Twitter one day, and found 3 handles that worked to spread mental health awareness: The Buddy Project, PosiiVibes, and Spreading the Love. Seeing what they tweeted every single day, made me feel better about myself, and reminded me that I wasn’t alone, even when I felt like I was. A couple weeks later, came the Women’s March. Even though I wasn’t able to participate, it inspired me to finally come out as asexual online. I was hesitant, but once I posted about it, as well as my response to the event, to Instagram, the amazing comments I got, made it all worth it. This moment became the start of me becoming the best version of myself that I can be.

I then took matters into my insecurities, which really affected how I viewed myself. I began to experiment with the things I wore, and sometimes stepped out of my comfort zone with clothing, by showing certain parts of my body that I usually tried to hide, such as my knees and my shoulders. Doing this not only gave me more options, when it came to picking out outfits, but it also made me slowly realize that no one thinks of my appearance the same way, or even care about it. I finally began to accept my flaws as part of who I am, and started to feel more confident!

After a few months had passed, came the opportunity to meet Connor Franta a third time (who called me QUEEN, after telling him I made the jacket I wore), and to pick up his book, “Note to Self” (which is probably the best book I’ve ever read)! I’ve been looking up to him, since my freshman year of high school, and the things I read in this book, meant a lot to me. His stories about his own struggles with mental health, had something for me to relate to, and the advice he gave helped me keep moving foreword. I will always appreciate Connor, as well as this book, the amount of work he put into it, and that it came during a time I needed it most (Connor, idk if you’ll be reading this or not, but if you are, thank you for doing everything that you do! You are, and always will be, an inspiration to me)! The book, itself, was also what inspired me to share my own story, and that’s when I started to look back on what I’ve dealt with, and began typing everything I remembered feeling into my phone, and creating what you’re reading right now.

Throughout the year, so far, I also put more effort into other goals I wanted to achieve: breaking bad habits, staying on the positive side of every situation, no matter good or bad, spending more time with my friends and other people I cared about (which made me realize they really DID care about me, and that it was just all in my head), pushing myself to get things done, even when the workload became stressful, learning to embrace being autistic, instead of letting it weigh me down, living in the moment, instead of comparing it to the past or worrying about the future, and doing my best to not care so much about what people thought of me. I had also worked even harder in costumes crew than I did before, which lead me to earning the title “master seamstress,” and my letter for working on 7 high school shows; not only that, but in my free time, I also designed many new pieces of clothing that I never knew I was able to make (including my prom dress), and that I could never be more proud of!

Then the summer came around, and it was truly the best summer I’ve ever had! I went to Québéc City and Montréal with my French class, and fell in love with both cities, made the best out of my last session at Lac du Bois, got my first summer job, celebrated my 18th birthday, by finally getting my hair colored, made even more time to hang out with my best friends, and continued to do what I love, without letting my feelings get in the way of it!

At this current point in my life, I still don’t feel 100% out of my mental slump; I still have days where I don’t feel like myself, I still sometimes deal with insecurities and trust issues, and I still get anxious, every time I leave the house for any type of social situation. However, I still feel a lot better about my life and myself, than I did over a year and a half ago; I feel happier, more confident, and have been doing better at taking care of myself… all without the help of any form of treatment (I’m not against it at all, I just knew deep down, that I wouldn’t need them). It was all just me, as well as the passions I managed to keep alive, the people that continued to support me in everything I do, and all the opportunities I got to have this year, so far! I hope during the rest of this last year of high school, as well as when I start my new life in college, that things will continue to get better, and that I can still be the happy person I want to be, no matter what challenges I end up facing!

I also hope that sometime, in the near future, we can all work together, to end the stigma around mental illnesses. This kind of stuff isn’t always talked about, and a lot of the people who do, from what I’ve noticed, tend to be looked down upon… it doesn’t have to be like this! People don’t choose to have these issues… it just happens, and it’s not their fault. Talking about them shouldn’t be shamed. What should be shamed, are jokes, hate comments, and trends made around them (I refuse to watch 13 Reasons Why for THIS reason).

To those that are struggling with mental health, and/or are working on recovery, just know that you WILL be ok. It may not seem like it now, but you will get through this. You will find your way back, no matter how lost you feel. I believe in you. You’re so much stronger than you think you are. There are people out there that love you, accept you for who you are, and would do anything to help you. As cheesy as all of this sounds, I’m here to say that it is all very true, and there is no reason for you to give up.

Lastly, to those who know me personally, and are reading this, thank you for being incredibly nice and supportive of me, throughout the time I’ve known you, and especially throughout this past year. Your kindness means a lot to me, and made me feel loved, which was something I never felt, while dealing with depression. It has also saved me from letting my depression get worse than it had already gotten. From friends (both online and irl), to family (especially my mom, who's been with me though it all), and to the people I got to know in theater, I love you all to the moon and back, and I would never have gotten through anything, without you! ♡

Here are the playlists I mentioned: “love yourself.”: http://spoti.fi/2uIpR4v “2k17”: http://spoti.fi/2uDkNju

[lovewavesxx]

Love Waves – EP 8 – Cloud 9

“I once wanted to give you My Universe, but hun, I've got to let you go. Let me live on Cloud 9 alone now. xx. 2-12-17 11:32AM –E xx.”

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/3jIaMGyFfzttSg208LZtOT

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/love-waves-ep-8-cloud-9/idpl.u-pMylyNRU085rdz

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwEZgDEorNRSSsZ6dMn6RhHBNSbLHIySc

1. Nat King Cole – L-O-V-E

2. Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong – You Won’t Be Satisfied (Until You Break My Heart)

3. Dion & The Belmonts – Tonight, Tonight

4. Frank Sinatra – That’s Life

5. Dinah Washington & Hal Mooney and His Orchestra – Let’s Go Around Together

6. Louis Armstrong – La Vie En Rose

7.  The Belmonts – P.S. I Love You

8. Ella Fitzgerald & Nelson Riddle and His Orchestra – All The Things You Are

9. Frank Sinatra – The Way You Look Tonight

10. Dean Martin – Mambo Italiano

11. Peggy Lee – Call Me

12. Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong – They Can’t Take That Away From Me

13. The Pied Pipers – I’ll Never Smile Again

14. Nat King Cole – Where or When

15. Dinah Washington & Hal Mooney and His Orchestra – That’s All I Want from You

16. George Shearing, Nat King Cole, & George Shearing Quintet – Let There Be Love

17. Peggy Lee – Big Spender

18. Dean Martin – Love Me, Love Me

19. The Nat King Cole Trio – Red Sails In The Sunset

20. Frank Sinatra – Fly Me to the Moon

Please listen to this playlist with the shuffle off.

Click here for my twitter @ericajones1010

Click here to leave a comment or say something idk :) (it’s anonymous)

cloud nine

/kloud/ /nīn/

1. a state of perfect happiness (usually in the phrase on cloud nine).

2. a state of total euphoria

I can probably guarantee no one will listen to this week’s playlist. You may be asking why I would make a playlist knowing in advance it does not appeal to most people, and you best believe I have an answer.

I started listening to jazz in February of 2017 when I needed music that was unlike anything else I was currently listening to. At that time, I really hated music. If you know me, then you know that is a monumental problem to have because music has been a very important part of my life since I was little and my Grandma Melba would let me play on her piano while she watched us during the day.

Everything I was listening to, prior to or around February, was my absolute favorite, and I knew he was listening to a lot of that same stuff as well. The thought of that was hard for me to accept. Everything reminded me of him, and I probably never crossed his mind. You see, we weren’t talking anymore at that time. He faded again, so I faded, I found an old distraction, and I quickly let that die again too. That was the last distraction I had in my life. I have no clue what the fuck he was doing during that time. I never really know what he’s doing or thinking. It doesn’t matter anymore though.

I know it sounds crazy, but bonding with someone over music is a huge deal for me. It can be a problem for me. When they decide to leave guess who’s stuck with memories and a soundtrack to relive every emotion? Me. Guess who has a history of having complications managing those occasionally overwhelming emotions? Me.

In my head, it doesn’t matter who you are, if I attach you to a song or artist, you’re most likely there for life. The only way it’s tolerable is if the thought of you when the song comes on doesn’t make me upset. Some of my favorite music accidentally gets tainted when I let other people know about it. So, if I don’t play music around you or share music with you, it’s because I can’t. I just can’t.

At that time in February I needed music with a clean history. That’s what Frank Sinatra did for me. That’s what jazz did for me. It took me mentally away from where I was when I needed a break. It took me to Cloud 9.

The description, “I once wanted to give you My Universe, but hun, I've got to let you go. Let me live on Cloud 9 alone now xx.,” stems from two playlists that have the ability to emotionally destroy me or put me in the best mood.

“My Universe” was a playlist I made as a response to the playlist he made for me titled “xx.” I came up with the name for my playlist because of a conversation he and I had. I think it was after he’d already sent me his playlist and I was telling him he needed to do one radio show because his selection and flow was ridiculously amazing. (I was the radio station manager at that time.) I think I asked what would it take for me to get him to do it and he said something like the “the universe.” In my dumb brain I decided I could never give him the universe, but I would willingly give him every ounce of My Universe. Too deep? Yuh, welcome to my life.

In all honesty, his playlist is still much better than mine haha, but mine also has a lot of complexity and meaning that has never been discussed with really anyone including him—especially the last track.

Those two playlists were created in January of 2017, and they really fucked me up. To give a brief example, the title “xx.” comes from something very personal in my life. Whether he was aware of it or not, or you’re aware of it or not, when I was seventeen years old I was suicidal for the first time. I used to write letters to get the shit in my brain out. Writing was my salvation. Writing is still very much my salvation. I used to sign each letter with an xx. That xx. was me signing my heart on that paper. It has a bunch of other meaning to me as well, but these days when I sign something xx., in short, it means this is from my heart.

So when he made me a playlist that took him four hours to make, seven hours to listen to, and I let that playlist be the soundtrack to my vacation abroad, I got even more attached to those songs, artists, and flow. More than I already was prior to the playlist’s conception. I took that effort of his as a gesture. Time has proved it was very much not a gesture. It was just something for him to do.

When I got back, things felt different, and by February things were different. By March, we actually had a couple good weeks and album releases together. April was bad. April was real bad…May had a brief beam of light. June got better. July felt like sunshine. August felt like a rainbow. September felt like a shooting star. Now, October feels like a foggy morning in The Bay. I’m okay though. I won’t let myself get April 2017 bad again.

If you’d like to listen to the full Cloud 9 playlist you can find the links below. Just listen to them on shuffle.

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/70ltGwFZ9CGXqnnXhYvTPQ

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/cloud-9/idpl.u-yZyV9YZIWgZkbE

Wow, I did not purposefully mean to say all of that stuff. Imma end that intense lil chat now. :)

Song Explanations:

I am convinced Ella and Louis are one of the greatest duet partners to have ever existed.

Frank’s Fly Me to the Moon fills my entire body with joy. To fully get the proper experience for this song you must ride windows down, sunroof open, music loud, and the night sky has to be on full display. Also, you have to sing at the top of your lungs. Issa must bb. Haha

In general, the sounds from the piano and trumpet players during that period really calm me down. I am eternally grateful for jazz music. Also, my life feels like some type of fancy movie whenever I listen to jazz. *insert shoulder shrugging emoji*

Love,

-E xx.

p.s. If you do listen to this playlist, I hope it makes you feel out of this world, like it does for me. xx.

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

New World Pt.1 EP Release Party at Congruent Space in Chicago, IL, USA on June 9th, 2017

 Here comes one of my famous long ass, very in depth Tumblr posts and stories. This time, I am going into the depths of the experience, emotions, and thoughts of this past weekend- when I flew out for the New World Pt.1 EP Release Party at Congruent Space in Chicago, IL, USA on June 9th, 2017

It was also Spring Awakening Music Festival this weekend June 9th - 11th. Sadly, I couldn’t fucking go to SAMF because I am “young, illegal, and lame” (which that right there is a great album title according to Jahan). I am gonna be writing this shit day by day, everything that happened and took place! Here we go!

June 7th, 2017

This was the Wednesday in the week before the epic weekend was to come. This was my last day of school before finals. I was lucky enough to get out of work this day and the following day since 1) prom season was beating my ass (I work at a tuxedo shop), I’ve been working so much to the point where I’ve been having migraines everyday for the past week and a half. Getting out of work gave me time to prepare for Chi and to get any last minute things done…I had a lot of shit to do. I got home from school and I was giving myself a little break before I got up to work on the shit I needed to do. I was chilling on the couch on Twitter and Krewella is having a tweeting spree. Keep in mind- I thought I was being kinda lowkey talking about going to Chi this Friday to the point Krewella didn’t know. My friend, JoJo, texted me one day a couple days ago and basically said “Yo, if Yasmine and Jahan don’t know you are gonna be in Chi, we should like surprise them. Like you should hide behind us (the Travel Krew) and then we would be like ‘Guys, we have a little surprise for u!’ and then you would pop out from behind us!” I was fucking down for this shit, it would cute as fuck! After discussing this, it was kind of a plan to be a surprise. So yeah, I thought I was being lowkey and shit talking about everything on Twitter. I thought if I did tweet anything, Krewella follows me and Yasmine and Jahan follow me, but the odds of them actually seeing me tweets…yeah, I’ll be ok, they probably won’t see anything. So going back to Krewella doing a tweeting spree. I tweet them something that I would always normally tweet, just showing my love and shit. I tweet saying “u guys u guys u guys u guys…… ILY". Then a minute later, they reply saying “love u bb see u FRIDAY!”

Two things were going through my head- 1) Aw yay! They replied back! I feel the love, I love them so much like what the fuck, they are amazing! 2) Alright, how the hell do they fucking know that I am gonna be there on Friday?- I was questioning it so much and freaking the fuck out on Twitter, but hey, I wasn’t complaining. Alright, so after that whole tweeting spree, I got up and went to my room and finished up this 6-8-19 Krew Video Project I put together for Yasmine and Jahan for the next day which was the 7 year anniversary of 6-8-10! I was editing in last minute submissions from the Krew and adding my own intro and outro. Even though I was basically attacking people to send in submissions and extending the deadline from June 1st to the fucking day before I am supposed to send it over to them and asking for maybe a lot in the project prompt, I was able to put this shit together and make something absolutely beautiful and touching for Yasmine and bring my vision to life for this project. I am so fucking proud with everyone who took place in this fucking project. At around 9:21pm, I send the video over to Jeremy, one of the guy’s of Krewella’s Third Brain management team, through email. In the email, I say “here is the 6-8-10 project i made with participation from the krew please show this video to yaz and jahan tomorrow so they can see it for krew day https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrZb6dTEjFw please let me know what they say or what their feedback is or honestly u can just tell them to tweet me or dm me or something! i can not wait to see them in chicago this friday for the ep release party! thank u so much jeremy for ur help!” Keep in mind that I told him to show it to them TOMORROW THE NEXT DAY, which is the actual 6-8-10 anniversary. After sending it, I am chilling and making dinner, at around 9:37pm, Jahan fucking tweets me saying “omg. just saw the project you put together. biggest smile on my face right now. about to head to rehearsal but ill respond more lataaaa!!” Like what the fuck…not even 20 minutes ago was when I sent the email with the video link and Jahan already watched it and shit. I was beyond conflicted with how she saw it that fast! I was freaking the fuck out and just so overjoyed that she loved it, like mission accomplish for making Jahan smile over this project like aye! I really meant for them to watch it the next day, but I am was complaining she saw it earlier though. Then a minute later, she tweets me again saying “pls tell the rest of the KREW that was involved that they literally made my day. <3 you guys!!!!”

My project I did with the krew fucking made her day, how else can this be any more perfect? I was just fucking satisfied at this point and just damn proud of myself and everyone who was involved, I surely felt the love. Later in the night, I was just checking my email and I get a reply email from Jeremy around 11:59pm saying “Will do! This is awesome :)” Like shit, this whole timing thing is just really fucking me up, but hey this confusion is totally okay I guess! Then, I go to bed.

June 8th, 2017

Happy Krew Day! Happy 6-8-17! Happy 7 Year Anniversary of 6-8-10! My plan for this day:

Go to school and take my chemistry final and refrain from listening to anything from the New World Pt.1 EP

Come home, film my reaction for the EP

Edit and upload the video

Pack for Chi

Go to bed

Fuck the chem final and I am gonna skip to writing from step 2 on my little list of shit to do. So yes, I come home and set up my filming equipment and get to filming. I decided I would listen to the 4 new new songs of New World (Calm Down, TH2C, Fortune ft. Diskord, and Parachute) and not the rest of the songs that have previously came out as singles (Team, Be There, and Love Outta Me) since I have already listened to them. It would just be a waste from to the react to the songs I have already heard and plus, this will keep the video as short as possible. As I am filming, I finished listening to TH2C (this song is such a summer jam, the vibes are just so fun and happy, I fucking loved it), my phone is just blowing up with notifications from Twitter. I grab my phone and look to see what’s up. Fucking Yasmine tweeted at me twice around 3:01pm saying “Em, i’m straight up trying to not cry on this flight to Chi watching this video. my fucking heartttttt. i’m so full of happiness right now” and “is there a tweet thread that everyone involved is on? idk how to even come close to saying thank you for this. i love you all so much”

I read these tweets in front of the camera and was able to record my whole reaction to these tweets for the video. Not only was this video gonna be a reaction to New World, but also a reaction to the tweets from Yasmine about her reaction to the project I put together. I was so happy that I basically almost made Yasmine cry tears of happiness and shit. I satisfied the happiness of Yasmine and Jahan, like mission accomplished. I was beyond overjoyed ok. Alright, moving on. I filmed my reaction to Calm Down next, which was really hard and ironic because I couldn’t calm down when I was trying to listen to Calm Down because Yasmine tweeted me and shit! Calm Down has to be my favorite song from the EP, at least out of the new new songs. The song goes hard and their vocals are fire ok.  Then, I listened to Fortune and that song goes a little harder and is definitely a good ass follow up to Beggars with Diskord also and then Parachute, which is just a chill ass song, such happy vibes and it is heart warming in a sense. This EP was just made so damn well and the fact that this was their first major release on this very own independent record label, Mixed Kids Records, is just amazing and I can’t put into work or emotions how fucking proud of them I am. After filming, I got straight to editing the video, also including in my reaction when Yasmine tweeted at me. Around when I was adding the outro to the video, I started my little vlog for the trip. I definitely knew I wanted to vlog this trip because I would be with krew, I was seeing Krewella for the first time in 3+ years, I am traveling by myself to fucking Chicago, the birthplace of Krewella, how else could the circumstances be any more perfect for vlogging? Plus, I have never really vlogged seriously because I’m a pussy when it comes to talking to a camera in public and I wanna keep the memories from this trip as best as possible! Finally, I finished editing and uploaded and shared my reaction video on Twitter with everyone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yeMgmwXPdY&t=332s

I was excited for everyone to watch it! I finally took the time to pack and put all things I needed together, especially since I needed to pack light and I was flying by myself for the first time on standby. I thought the weather in Chi would be breezy, cloudy, and humid from what I checked like a week ago, so I fucking pack ripped jeans, a couple shirts, pjs, and underwear. After packing and looking at my flights, I went to bed.

June 9th, 2017

Rise and fucking shine. I wake up to a FaceTime call around 1am from one of my best friends from the krew, Gina. She is drunk and lit as ever. She is telling me all kinds of random things, like “Emily, I love you!”, “I hope you have a great time in Chicago.” “Stay safe.” and more random shit along those lines. Then, I say “Yo, thank you, I love you too. I actually need to wake up now to get ready to leave, so thank you!” Then, her friend grabs her phone saying “Got to go bye!” and abruptly ends the call. I got up and hopped into the shower. I got out of the shower and got changed. While traveling, I was wearing this black lace-up shirt I was going to wear to the venue, leggings, my KREWLIFE crewneck, and my black converse. Then, I did my makeup. I made sure my makeup would literally be bulletproof, so it would last throughout the flights, the show, and other shit. I knew I was probably gonna be meeting Yaz and Jahan for the first time in 3+ years so, I had to look somewhat okay whether it would be before or after their set, and I knew hands down I would be sweating like crazy from their set. So, I beat my face and packed away my makeup and the rest of my toiletries. I put together the rest of my travel documents and shit. Soon enough, it was around 3:30am and my mom, dad, and I left to go to the airport. My flight was departing at around 5:55am. I arrived at the airport around 4am. I checked in, and my mom said bye to me once I got in line for TSA Pre-Check. After going through TSA, I headed to my gate and just sat there waiting, checking on my Delta App whether I could get a seat or not. Finally after waiting for a little, I got my seat, 12C, for this first flight from Philly to Detroit! I boarded my plane and was finally on my way to Chi! I was in a 3-person row and luckily I had the aisle seat and there was just another businessman in the window seat with no one in between us. I just slept and listened the New World on repeat the whole time.  Finally, we landed in Detroit. Once I walked off the jet bridge and into the airport, I headed over to my connecting flight’s gate, which luckily was in the same terminal and was several numbers away so I didn’t have to walk too too far. I got to the gate, gate A29 to be exact, and just checked the Delta app on my phone and the airport screens for any seat updates. The app and the screens were telling me two different things and I didn’t know which one was the most accurate one to follow. I was freaking out that I would either not get a seat at all or have the slightest and slimmest chance of getting a seat. I finally grew a pair of balls and went up to the podium and asked the lady what was happening. Luckily, she reassured me that I should be making the flight and that it would be even better if the people ahead of me on the standby list didn’t end up showing up to the gate and that I just had to sit and wait for my name to be called. After waiting very fucking anxiously, I was called up and given my slip with seat 13A on it. I boarded and settled into my seat for this little over an hour flight to Chi. I was in a 3-person row again, but this time, I had the window seat and two businessmen took up the middle and aisle seat, which wasn’t too bad. While taxing to our take off runway, I sent Jojo my arrival information to give her an idea of when and where to pick me up. I was also messaging Seancriag  on Snapchat and he was saying, along with Jojo, that I would most likely be meeting up with him at the airport so she could get us at the same time. Again, I slept and listened to New World the whole flight. I woke up and as I opened my eyes, the bright ass blue water of Lake Michigan was right in front of my face. The ripples in the lake was breathtaking. Soon enough, we started our descent and I began to see the amazing coast and city skyline of the beautiful city of Chi! 

Finally physically seeing Chi for the first time in over 10 years from the last time I was in the city visiting family and seeing the city for the first time after discovering Krewella was just astounding. I honestly couldn’t believe I was here, and I wasn’t in the city just to be a tourist and visit the city or just see family and/or friends- I was fucking here for one thing and one thing only….KREW! I was just hyped. I bet the businessmen next to me saw me smiling at the window like a fucking freak. I just kept taking in the view as we were landing and before I knew it, the landing gear of the plane touched down on the runway and we were taxing to the gate, gate E16 in terminal 2 to be exact. It was around 9am when we landed. I was texting a lot of people basically announcing to the world “Fucking PhillyKrew has arrived in Chicago, what the fuck is up?!” I was texting Alex in all caps because we were legit both arriving and taxing to out gates at the same times and we were both just freaking out and expressing such explosively happy thoughts that we were finally here! I was texting Jojo where I was and updating her. My plan was to call her up once I got into the airport and was making my way over to where she would get me. As we were arriving at the gate, I knew I was gonna be so fucked for this trip because I just felt the scorching hot heat from the sun through the window. I didn’t know it was gonna be that hot in Chi! Like shit, I fucking packed only jeans and I am arriving in all black wearing a thick ass crewneck! Finally, we made it to the gate and I was walking on the jet bridge just feeling the heat and the excitement running through me. As I am walking from the gate I was arriving at and into the rest of the airport, some random ass person just comes up to me, shoving an iPhone in my face and says “Are you Emily, aka PhillyKrew?” and shit- IT WAS FUCKING SEAN! I have met krew from Twitter in real life before and I haven’t felt that krew meeting and feeling and emotion in a long ass time and feeling that transfer from online friendship to real life friendship was EVERYTHING! When I acknowledged it was him, my fucking jaw legit dropped towards the ground. First thing I said was “Stop!” and he said “You are live from the Travel Krew” and I was like “Are you serious?!” Ok, let’s be real here- I was fucking honored to be featured in real life on the Travel Krew story, like fucking goals of knowing them for a year now aye! The feels were just in the air! We hugged and just started walking and talking. I was so fucking excited and nervous, my heart was beating so damn fast I could feel it in my throat, chest, and stomach ok. I was just talking to him and telling him how close I was to missing this flight because of the seats. Sean was telling me how he arrived at around 7am and he just walked all the way from terminal 1 to terminal 2 from where he arrived to get to my gate just to meet up with me and how he had time to kill. Ugh, just such good ass vibes! I honestly couldn’t be any happier. Finally, he called up Jojo and Paola as we were walking outside so they could get us. We were looking for their black Kia and soon enough, their black Kia rolls up from around the corner with Calm Down blasting with Paola (aka my Ate) literally halfway out of the front seat window recording us. My thoughts in my head- “Holy fuck, there is honestly no other more perfect or epic or insane way to meet krew and pick up krew for the first time, what the fuck yo, my heart is exploding!” Paola got out of the car and Jojo was driving and Paola and I hugged and it was fucking amazing to hug someone from the krew who wasn’t more than 4 inches taller than me; I finally didn’t feel so left out! Ugh, life was perfect! After Sean put his stuff in the trunk, we all climbed into the car and I said “Hey!” to Jojo! We drove off from the airport grounds and began making our way to the hotel the Travel Krew was staying at, the Amber Inn. I finally whipped out my vlogging camera for the first time since I vlogged at home and just updated that I finally met part of the Travel Krew for the first time and that we were making our way to the hotel to prepare for the EP release party. The drive wasn’t bad, we were just having deep conversations while stuck in traffic. We were talking about how I was real and they were real, it was cute as fuck. Finally after driving across town, we made it to the hotel. Once we parked and got out of the car, the first thing I did was hug Jojo. We grabbed our shit and headed up to the room, 304. I felt fucking honored to be walking into the hotel of the Travel Krew because cramming themselves with all of their stuff to see Krewella in hotel rooms was their thing! Once we got in the room, we started preparing for the release party. I met their friend, Brooke, who was already in the room getting ready. I grabbed my flannel and jeans and headed into this small ass closet and changed in there. They were kind of amused because I was able to shove myself in a closet like that because I am just so tiny. I got out of the closet, put in my hazel contacts, and touched up my makeup. Afterwards, I pulled out my camera and began to vlog a little more while waiting to leave. Paola and Sean were the major stars of this portion of the vlog I made. They were dancing, pretending to DJ with this towel Jahan gave them in Cabo and explained the whole story behind it and how they had to get it signed to give to the winner of their contest who won the towel. I made them each give little outfit of the days to show their chosen attire for the release party. I hated vlogging because I am just so fucking awkward and shit, so Paola took the camera for a little bit and did her famous little swipe transition. I just updated the vlog explaining the situation and plan for now. Paola had her krew jersey on the bed and I asked to try it on and she gave me the okay. She is small as fuck like me, so she had the XS in the jersey, which is the smallest size available and I’ve been debating for months now if I should get one with “PHILLYKREW” on the back, but the whole sizing situation was freaking me out and I was very unsure on what to do. I put it on and it was fucking swallowing me and I was swimming in it. Yes, I knew that jerseys should be big on people, but for me, it was a fucking dress and very overwhelming on my body. I was like “Hell no, I honestly can’t get one.” So, that was a little bumming, but it’s okay.  Finally after a little bit, our uber arrived at the hotel and we got in and started making our way to Congruent Space. The rest of the Travel Krew was already in the front of the line to save spots for the rest of us. Alex was also texting me saying her and everyone else (aka the OG Krew I like to call us) were in the front of the line as well. All of us the in the uber on our way were just gonna do a little cutsies in the line because we are important krew from Twitter and we have high priorities. In the uber, Sean sat in the front with  the driver, Jojo and I were in the first row in the back, and Paola and Brooke were in the very back row. For some reason, the driver didn’t have the air on in the rear and we were all just dying in the back. We repeatedly kept asking to turn the air on, but the drive said it was already on. The backseat console for the air was on rear lock, so we even asked if he could unlock the shit in the back so we could fix it and he was just ignoring us. So we just had to suffer the rest of the ride in the heat. I whipped out my camera and recorded this little rear lock air incident and we were all just making hot, dying, sweaty faces. I updated the vlog that we were on our way to the release party as well. I got a bunch of texts from Corinne and Bianca and they were both freaking out and asking “Holy shit, are you in Chicago?! What the fuck, we are too. WE CAN FINALLY MEET YOU!” and just other really ecstatic texts. I fucking didn’t know they were coming here! I then looked on Snapchat and I saw they legit flew in the previous night! I was excited to meet them and everyone else. Finally after a half hour drive, we arrived just a block away from the release party. We got dropped off and we walked to the venue. We saw the line and we were dropped off from behind the line. Because we had cutsies, we just walked past the rest of the line and no one really gave a shit, which was fantastic. As we were passing the line, I saw a couple of familiar faces in the line. As we made our way to the front of the line, Sean, Jojo, Paola, and Brooke met up with the rest of the Travel Krew and I headed towards my beloved OG Krew fam. There were so many people that I either haven’t met yet at all or haven’t seen in a while! They were standing in a circle talking and me being my little self, I squeezed myself in their circle and was like “Hey!”. Alex was the first person to respond to me and she was like “Oh my gosh, you are finally here!” and we hugged. I began to say “Hey!” to everyone and giving everyone a nice hug. Someone spins me around and it’s fucking Bianca. Bianca was one of the people I’ve known for over 3 years and this was my first time meeting her! She was like “Holy shit, you are Emily. Come here!” and she gave me a really tight hug. She was shocked at how tiny I was, which I found amusing. I just felt the love from everyone, especially from meeting people from the OG Krew for the first time and meeting people from the Chicago Krew and shit. Just such good vibes. Then, I go a little back in the line and the Travel Krew is there. I go up to them and Brie and Deanna came up to me and scream “Hey!” and I finally met them for the first time and I absolutely loved them from meeting them off Twitter and they were tall as fuck! Deanna told me she forgot her gift for me, but I was like “Girl, it is okay!”. I didn’t care for anything else at the moment. I had my big ass loving krew fam around me and I couldn’t ask for anything else to make this any more perfect. Corinne finally came back to the line after going somewhere from down the street and she was like “Girl hey!” and we hugged and met for the first time, she is lowkey my long lost sister. We were all just talking and having a good ass time just waiting. Paola and Jojo got me a blended coffee drink from across the street, because we didn’t really eat much, and this was the first thing I was putting in my stomach since I left home, and it was just scorching outside. We were taking a bunch of pictures and shit too. 

I whipped out my camera and made a little update, showed a little bit of everyone in my vlog. Alex spotted a couple of dogs going into the coffee shop across the street and she flipped out and her heart was probably melting because 1) the heat and 2) the dogs. I got her whole reaction to that on camera, which was all cute and funny. As we were waiting, people just kept going in and out of the front door of the venue, locking it as they went through the door. I kept peeping in the door and the place looked very white and clean and small, so it was gonna be very interesting to be in there. We kept seeing Nathan and Jeremy in the door setting up. Sam, the videographer and photographer for the release party, kept coming outside and taking videos of all of us in line, which was really cool. After sweating and waiting for a little, Nathan came outside and told us to line up on the other side of the door. All of us in the front of the line made sure we were in the front still and everyone behind us in the rest of the line just followed us. After waiting for a little more, Nathan finally opened the door and let all of us in. It was weird because we legit just walked into the place. It was announced beforehand that there is free entry if we download the WAV app. The whole release party set would be live streamed on the app for others to see and experience the set who weren’t physically there. I thought that we would just have to show that we downloaded the app in order to get in, but we just walked in without showing anything. I mean I wasn’t complaining, but it was weird. Anyways, we all just walked in and of course, us in the front of the line were the first ones to walk in. I turned on my camera and started recording us walking in. When you first walked in, it was this entry place, kind of like the “lobby” of the place and then you walked in further and there was this set of stairs on the left which led to this room with a projector playing a slideshow of pictures of Yasmine and Jahan from the New World cover art shoot and then you would turn in that room and there was the room that the table and equipment was set up and that was where the set would be. I walked up the stairs and Jahan and Yasmine were there greeting and hugging everyone. I see Jahan first and was like “Oh my god! HI!” and she was like “Hi!” and then we hugged and I have no idea what else she said because I was just numbs in my senses because of how happily overwhelmed I was. I’m pretty sure because I was vlogging, I told Jahan that this was for my YouTube channel and Jahan said “I saw your video! Thank you! It’s amazing!” Anyways, I move to the side and she keeps greeting everyone else. I was still recording and then I finally see Yasmine. I was like “Holy shit.” when I first saw her. She came up to me and was like “Oh my god! Emily!” and I was like “Yazzy!” and gave me a hug, then she hugged Alex right after me and recorded their hug and Yasmine said “It’s so hot!”. So yeah, that happened. It was beyond amazing to have finally seen them, hugged them, and talked to them for a little at least in person for the first time in almost 4 years. I couldn’t believe this was all happening to me and around me. I was just in a dream being there with everyone. After greeting everyone, we all  headed into the room where the set would be happening. We all saw their mom and it was my second time seeing her in person and she is just so damn cute. She was waving at us from behind the DJ equipment and table and then came from behind and started talking to a bunch of us. I was too shy to say anything to her to be honest, I would’ve been like “Seriously, thank you for bringing Yasmine and Jahan into the world and raising them to be the most amazing and beautiful and talented human beings in the world!”. Then, all of us just started pouring into this room. The OG Krew and the Travel Krew made sure we all got the very front of the crowd. I swear all of us were dominating the crowd there, like fucking high priority people man! We were all chilling and taking pictures and just preparing for the insanity that was coming for us.

I was recording a little bit for my vlog and updating it. Paola was live streaming to the rest of the krew who wasn’t there and I made a little appearance on there. I got a couple of good shots. I was filming myself, Bianca, and Corinne and Corinne was like “Am I gonna be in your vlog?” and I was like “Yeah, go!”. So, she said to the camera “Aye! What’s good? We’re here with the one and only PhillyKrew. The only PhillyKrew out here! Aye!” I loved when she said this! Here is how my standing position was: I was front middle; Alex, Emma, Milly, Matt, and Jordan were front row up against the table and equipment and I was standing behind them; on my left, there was the OG/Chicago Krew; on my right, there was the Travel Krew. I was surrounded by all of my friends and it was perfect; I was perfectly sandwiched between all of them. Bianca said “Emily, I am gonna lift you up and carry you!” I was like “Shit, are you serious!? Okay, I’ll let you know when!” It was reassuring to know that I could see eye to eye with Yasmine and Jahan during their set at times because I am fucking short. I handed my flannel and bag to Alex to put on the stage where she put her stuff, along with everyone else. Finally, Yasmine and Jahan hopped behind the booth and started talking into the mic and giving a little introduction to the set. They were giving a shout out to Congruent Space and their team for pulling off everything. They were talking about Nathan and how he was part of the reason 6-8-10 even happened and they were talking about their early beginnings. It was a great start to their set. Finally, we opened up with Fortune, which went hard as fuck and everyone loved it. I am not really gonna go into deep depths with their set. It was fucking fire and insanity. Being able to experience seeing them perform and throw down so hard after waiting over 3 years was lowkey life changing and breath taking. Bianca picked me up so many times. I only remember a couple certain songs that she lifted me up for- Beggars, part of Team, and Superstar. Every time she lifted me up, I was making eye contact with Yaz and Jahan. They probably saw me really singing every lyrics when one of their songs was on and I was in the air. I was going hard. Bianca and several other people were able to give either one of the girls their phones and they recorded some epic footage. Speaking of footage, for the first half of the set, I was recording shit from my vlogging camera, but then every time Bianca would lift me up, I would put my camera in my front right pocket of my jeans and it just kept falling out and Jojo kept picking it back up from the ground. I just decided to stop with the camera and I left it on the platform with the rest of my stuff. I kept recording shit on my phone though. Holy shit, every time Bianca lifted me up, Sam kept pointing his camera like right at me, so I thought “Holy shit, is this for the recap video? Oh shit, my sweaty ass face and my body in the air is gonna be on there!” Oh well, same thing happened when the live streams were happening. Every time I would open my phone to record something, I would glance at my notifications and people kept messaging me and tweeting at me that they see me raging my ass off in the live streams. I was lowkey embarrassed and proud at the same time. They dropped too many good songs. Of course, they dropped all of the songs from the EP. They dropped a couple of fire throwbacks, like Killin’ It, Alive (Pegboard Nerds Remix)- which lowkey killed me when they dropped it because that’s my favorite Alive remix-, some remix of Live for the Night which I can not really remember exactly at the top of my head, some remix of Me & U by Cassie which is a throwback my sister and I jam to, they fucking dropped Breathe and gave a whole entire introduction before they dropped it saying this is one of the first trolly songs they ever did and that they only drop it in Chicago and I swear my heart legit dropped through the ground, and they dropped this remix of I Want It That Way. Their set was just ultimate perfection. Holy shit, they brought this little baby husky in and had the pup up there with them, it was precious as fuck to see Yasmine holding a cute pup during their set, like that poor pup’s ears and cuteness overload. Jeremy and Jahan were tossing water bottles to the crowd, which was a blessing and I caught one from Jeremy. During Party Monster, Jahan was doing a little water bottle shower and dropped the bottle which was funny. I have never sweated so damn much in my life. I was holding in that energy and sweat I released during their set since 2014 and being able to unleash all of that was amazing. I was wearing jeans and my jeans…shit, everything I was wearing was just soaked, drenched, and saturated in so much sweat and was sticking to my body. My face and neck was dripping. I was so worried my makeup was gonna be gone by the end of the set. I just felt like this whole thing was the Get Wet Tour and Sweatbox Tour combined! The last song they played and ended the set with was Parachute. It was so nice to close out the set with it, it was so beautiful and the crowd was singing together and when Yasmine and Jahan hugged at the end…I swear everyone in the krew’s heart melted. Such a great moment to remember and to witness, like the two sisters we love and adore just showing their affection and love for each other was beyond precious. Finally, their set ended. They talked about the following day being at Spring Awakening and how they are gonna throw down during their set and how afterwards, they wanted the krew to come hang with them and Yasmine wanted to drink and Jahan wanted to smoke with everyone. They said they were gonna chill after the set for an hour or so and that everyone can get the New World shirts here only in the front. The crowd started dispersing and it was my goal to talk to Yasmine and Jahan, get pictures with each of them and a picture with both of them- this is literally what I’ve been waiting for for years now. I kept asking Alex to help me find them because I was being a pussy and shy. Finally after pointlessly roaming around, Alex guided me to Jahan! We just had a conversation and I have a good chunk of it recorded for my vlog. I was recording at such an awkward angle because I was trying be lowkey about it and not get all up in Jahan’s face. We were talking about a lot of different things. I told her their set was amazing after waiting years to see them. She was like “Oh my gosh. I remember when we first met you. You were so young and a little nugget. You were all quiet wearing your beanie. And now, you are all grown up and a lovely lady!” Fun fact: I didn’t wear a beanie when I first met them, but I was wearing a snapback backwards though. I told her I was recording for my vlog and she told me to get up close shots of her sweat. She was asked if I was going to Spring Awakening. I was like “Yo, I literally can’t go. I’m too young.” She was like “We could honestly try to do something, but like liability because you are young.” She asked how old I was and I was like “16.” and she was like “Oh shit you got like 2 more years, but we have a tour coming up and it’s going to be mostly all ages” and she was just giving me the details on it and everything, but she couldn’t say much. Jahan, Alex, and I were just talking about how sweaty we were, J said her vagina was sweating, like shit, TMI. She was telling me how well put together the krew project I made was and that she loved my krew wall and how it made her smile! I was so happy, I have no other way to describe it in the simplest way. Great fucking talk. I asked her for a picture and she said yeah. Again, I am short, so I didn’t wanna look like a short loser in the picture, so I took a “selfie” with Jahan (I fucking hate that word so I put quotes around it) and then, we didn’t really know that else to do. Alex suggested that Jahan should carry me so, Jahan got low was like “Get on my back” and I was like “Oh shit, what the fuck, is this really happening…”. So, I got on her back and Jahan started doing squats with me on her back, so I just held on for dear life because I was trying not to fall off her and look like a total loser fool (since at the moment, I already felt like a loser) and she just kept going, up and down, up and down. Then finally, she stopped and smiled for the picture Alex took. 

Jahan put me down and then we kind of just departed and she went off talking to other krew and I was just trying sink in what the hell just happened. Then, I wanted to talk to Yasmine. Alex tried helping me find her and hey, she was right behind us talking to a bunch of krew. I was like “Alex, how the fuck do I get her attention to talk to her?” and Alex being the funny person she is, she said “ Just fall down.” I said “What? What do you mean?” She said “Just literally trip and fall down right in front her and she will have no other choice, but to get down and help you and talk to you.” I was like “Hell no, I’ll look stupid.” She said “Emily, I’ll push you then.” I said “No, holy shit. I might as well just make myself fall.” Then I imitated falling and said “Ouch oh no!” and we both just laughed. Finally, we got Yasmine’s attention and I started talking to her. I was also vlogging at the weirdest angle with Yazzy. We were just talking about the set and how Bianca was carrying me and Yaz said “You needed to be on someone’s shoulders” because of how fucking short I am. At that moment, I thought to myself “Fuck this, I am being short-shamed by the krew today. I am sad.” Then, we were just talking about how everyone from the krew was here and that nothing like this has really happened when literally all of us were together. I didn’t really talk to Yasmine as much as I did with Jahan. I asked Yasmine for a picture and same fucking deal with the whole short-shaming situation. I took a “seflie” with Yaz and then we also didn’t really know what to do for our picture. Then, here comes Alex again suggesting Yasmine to carry me like how Jahan carried me on her back. Yasmine opens her arms and was like “Come on!” and I was just like “Oh shit, here we go again!” Yasmine was carrying me in her arms and we took our picture. 

Yasmine put me down on the ground ever so slightly. Such amazing, yet conflicting moments with Yasmine and Jahan carrying me, like what the fuck just happened?! I was content as can be. Yasmine asked “Are you going to SAMF?” and me being a loser, I said “No, I can’t, I’m young as fuck.” and she was like “Oh shit, yeah! I always think SAMF is still all ages.” I think I mentioned wanting to sneak in somehow, I forget, but she all of a sudden went over to Nathan behind the counter with the shirts and started talking to him. She came back and was like “Ok, here is what we can try to do. We could possibly pull the cousin card on you with Nathan and put you on the guest list, but our guest list is literally exploding, so we will get back to you.” I was in disbelief because I always thought they literally can’t do anything considering my age and that I talked to Jahan and Jeremy about it, with both of them basically saying no. I said “Oh shit, okay!” So that happened, I was trying to not get my hopes up, but I was chilling. Yasmine started making shirts behind the counter, which reminded me that I had to get a shirt for myself and Tiffany since she texted me ahead of time asking to get her one. I recorded a little clip of Yasmine printing the design on the shirt and she said a little message to the Krew for the vlog. Then, I asked for a shirt and they asked what size and I was like “Shit, the smallest size you guys have!” So, I ended up buying a small. Then, Alex asked Yasmine if they were saving a shirt for Tiffany. Yasmine said she didn’t know if they would have any left over. I was like “Yeah, she texted me asking to get her one!” and Yasmine asked me what size. I called up Tiffany and just double checked on the size and then I got Tiffany one. My little shirt mission was over. I asked Alex if she was getting one and she said “I legit brought $20 for this trip and the shirts are $20.” I was like “What? I’ll get you one!”, but she refused. I was like “Girl, alright whatever you say.” As I was standing around the shirts, I was talking with Jojo and Paola. I looked over the counter and saw Nathan and I was like “Paola! We need to get our family photo with Nathan!” She was like “Yes! Get him!” I shouted for his name and called him over to take a picture. Nathan, being averagely tall, was sandwiched between me and Paola. As we were standing taking our picture, I think Jojo was taking our picture and got the attention of Jahan to look and Jahan said “Aww!” So, we smiled and took our picture. 

Afterwards, I asked Alex again if I could get her a shirt and she kept refusing. I asked her what size she was and went behind her and looked at the tag of her shirt and made my way over to the counter. I got her a shirt and handed her the shirt. She kept saying I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. I felt good as fuck and generous, especially because she does a lot for the krew and this was the only chance to get the shirts. Yasmine and Jahan made their way over to us and took a huge group picture with some krew. I thought this would be perfect  to ask both of them to take a picture with me. I asked them and of course, they said yes. Alex was taking the picture again and surprise, surprise, we didn’t know what to do for the picture. Another suggestion was made for them to both carry me! They both put out their arms and they carried me like I was sitting on this Krewella throne or something. It was cute as fuck. Alex took a bunch of pictures and they came out either really derpy looking or cute. I was so content, yet conflicted because literally every picture I took with them, they were fucking carrying me, like what the fuck was that? But, hey it was creative and I weigh like 100lbs, so why fucking not?

They put me back on the ground and I thanked them for the pictures. They went off and, of course, went on talking to other krew. I was standing around Paola and I whipped out my camera and started updating what was happening. I did a little recap of the set and talking to Yaz and J. I asked Paola if we could take a picture, just because we are related and short!

Then, I got a picture with the Krew Wifeys!

I was beyond satisfied with the pictures I was able to get with everyone. We were all just chilling, talking, and hanging around. Jahan was telling us that they were going to be filming a music video for Fortune and that they were legit going to walking around Chicago, hitting up old spots, and just plain winging it. Jahan’s hair was messy in a bun from the set so she asked Milly to braid her hair in 2 french braids. She sat on the little staircase and we all kinda gathered around and just talked about a bunch of shit, like the EP, the music video, SAMF, and when they were in high school. I told J congrats on Mixed Kids Records. I also was able to ask her this question I’ve been wanting to ask. I asked “Will you guys ever do an acoustic song or cover soon? Because it has been a while!” She said “Oh yes! We would love to do one. It’s like one of the easiest things to do and we love doing it. Definitely sometime soon. We will think about it!” I was excited knowing the fact that they would be willing to do another one. They could probably do an acoustic version to Be There or Parachute or something, which would be amazing. I have always been obsessed when they made acoustic covers and songs in the past. The Alive acoustic version and the Watercolor cover they did with Evan Duffy….ugh those legit melt my heart and when I listen to the Watercolor cover, I straight up cry. So, if they were to do another one, or a couple, it would just complete everything. So, hopefully that shit will be on the way soon. Yeah, we were all just chilling & talking. Finally, the Travel Krew had to go because they had to prepare for & go to SAMF since they got ticket for all 3 days. I was rolling with them so I had to leave as well. I told Alex to hit me up later if she wanted to hang & chill since she wasn’t going to day 1 of Spring Awakening. I said by to Jahan and thank her for everything. I went over to Yasmine and she was coloring and drawing this thing for a fan and I was like “Alright, I am peacing with the Travel Krew. If anything happens with the cousin card, just slide into my DMs! Bye, love you, and thank you for everything!” and she said “Aw shit Em, ok I will definitely slides into your DMs!” Then she gave me another hug and as she said what she said, she did this sliding motion with her hands and body which was cute. I said bye to everyone else and gave hugs to everyone that I could. I walked out of Congruent Space with the Travel Krew and we walked away. We were heading to the CTA to go back to the hotel. I was having this amazing deep ass convo with Deanna, she is so sweet, I literally love her, while we were walking. We were walking on this bridge and below us was just lines of traffic and across the way was the beautiful Chicago skyline. 

We all stood there taking in the the view and took pictures, then we continued walking. We got to the station and because we were tourists and weren’t locals, we had issues figuring out how to work the machines to buy passes for the CTA. After figuring shit out for a little while, we took the CTA and had to transfer lines. In between transferring lines, we stopped at this center place that looked like a mall or business building, and when you looked up, it look super trippy. Sean had to go to the restroom and we were all starving. We grabbed food. I grabbed a number 9 from Taco Bell and Brie got something from Taco Bell too. Everyone else grabbed food from various places and we all sat down and just ate. We were discussing the release party. I was seeing everyone’s messages and tweets saying they could see me in the live stream, so I looked at Krewella’s FB live stream and was actually able to spot myself a little bit which was epic. I couldn’t finish my taco since I ate my crunchwrap supreme already, so I gave my taco to Deanna. Finally, we were done eating and took the green line back to the hotel. We got in the hotel and I just sat on the bed just still taking in everything that happened. The girls were getting ready for the festival and Sean and I just sat they sadly watching them because we were gonna be left behind. When they were done getting ready, I took a little group photo of them and I jokingly told Jojo to give me photo credits when she would post it. Sean hopped in the shower and the girls left. Sean came out of the shower and aired out in front of the AC which was hilarious; I even sent a picture to Paola. We were just chilling and talking. Sean told me the whole history and story of how the Travel Krew came to be. The whole story was fascinating and touching. I loved hearing every second of it! We just kept talking about a bunch of random stuff. I FaceTimed Sam Zupko for a little and just told her a little bit about what happened. We were bored as hell and we thought about finding Yasmine and Jahan filming the music video on the streets or getting dinner with other krew that wasn’t at day 1 of Spring Awakening, but nothing happened. Sean told me Thomas and Jenno would be arriving later in the night, so we were kind of just waiting for them and the girls to arrive. Yeah, not much happened in the evening after the release party. Let’s just say I took one hit of shit and felt 1,000x my weight and melted in the bed and passed out and woke up to Thomas being in the room and then passed out and then woke up to the girls arriving and Jojo and Deanna kept checking on me like this child and then they brought chicken and food in the room and smelled the food and I got the spins and puked a couple times and then changed and Deanna put me to bed…Yup, that’s how that day and night ended!

June 10th, 2017

I woke up the next morning with my sister texting me she was arriving soon in Chicago to meet up with me. Everyone woke up and one by one, we all just started taking showers and getting ready for the day. Everyone, but me, was preparing for Spring Awakening since today was the day Krewella would be performing. I took a shower and changed and did my makeup. Paola was making fun of me saying how I was doing my makeup in front of everyone and that it was iconic or something. When I was contouring my nose, she was like “Oh shit! Contour that nose girl! Filipinos don’t have noses!” I laughed so hard. My sister arrived at the hotel room. I was being a bum because I wanted to see krew, but there was no shot. I was asking Alex to keep in touch with Yasmine for me in case anything happened. Jojo, Brooke, Deanna, and Brie were getting ready for the festival still. Jenno, Paola, Thomas, my sister and I headed out and were on our way to Giordano’s for our first deep dish pizza, since that's was Yasmine and Jahan recommended. I got an extra key from Jojo to the hotel room, so that my sister and I could get our stuff later for when we would be checking into our own hotel near Midway Airport. Everyone else at the hotel room would just meet everyone else at the festival. We took the CTA to this Mexican part of the city for pizza. Paola called ahead of time so that they could get the pizza fast when we would arrive at the restaurant. Keep in mind that we weren’t told that we were basically ordering take out. So, while walking from the CTA to the restaurant, I updated my vlog again with that was happening. Paola and I were talking about filipino food and how Jahan and Yasmine would probably like Filipino food and I made a statement that they should go over to Paola’s place and that she would cook them this huge Filipino feast and that I would fly out there just to attend this feast. Finally, we made it to Giordano’s. We all went in and Paola went up to the counter saying we were the ones calling from the phone. We planned on eating in the restaurant, we legit called just to speed up the process of getting our pizza. The guy behind the counter working there, his name was Nick B I think, was saying "Because you called in your order, that is take out so, no dining in!" Even though we weren't from the area & this our fucking first time ordering at this place & we literally didn't know any better, he fucking told us we couldn't eat in the restaurant, despite the fact there were literally 7 empty tables! Paola even told him we would fucking tip them & we would clean up after ourselves. I swear I thought it was because we were all Asian. We got our pizza & walked outside & sat at this bench right on the side of the street & in front of the restaurant & sat there & ate our pizza.

We didn't have any plates so one of us had the balls to go in & ask for plates & we got paper plates. We didn't have a pizza cutter so we had to cut this thick ass pizza with a paper plate & scooped each slice onto our plates. I tried scooping my slice, but it broke, so then I had to grab it with my hands and I ended up grabbing two slices instead and I knew I was fucked because there was so shot I was gonna be able to finish it. We were talking and chilling and eating our pizza, roasting the guy in the restaurant for being an ass. It was all fun. We finished eating and Monica (she was also at the release party) finally met up with us to go to the festival with the Travel Krew. We all started walking to the park where the festival was happening at. As we were approaching the festival, we saw the fencing with big SAMF banners covering it. The closer we got, the closer we go to realizing who was sound checking. We heard a familiar song that we all knew by heart...it was Be  There, which meant...fucking Krewella was sound checking as we were walking toward the entrance of SAMF. We were all freaking out. Monica and I were kind of screaming and jumping all around. We kept walking and they started sound checking with Team. We finally made it to the entrance and everyone was waiting around and sitting on the grass or getting in line to get in. We were waiting for everyone else to arrive from the hotel. We sat on the grass and just listen to Krewella sound checking. They switched to Fortune and a bunch of their other songs to sound check. We were all so happy and hyped. We were recording the excitement and them sound checking on our phones and sharing it on social media. I was happy as fuck, I had to admit, but in the long run, I was too depressed and sad that I wasn’t gonna be able to go. Hearing them sound checking and getting a feel for the atmosphere for when they would be playing their actual set really killed me on the inside. I kept saying “It’s fucking worse to be right in the city while SAMF is happening and not being able to see Krewella than to be far away at home from Chi while SAMF is happening and not being able to see Krewella.” It’s like I was so fucking close...shit, I was right at the fucking entrance! But, there was nothing happening for me. I had a feeling Yasmine wouldn’t get back to me in any way, whether it was through Alex or herself in DMs. I was fucking sad. I kept talking to Monica about it and she was just trying to reassure me and make me feel better, but nothing was helping me to be honest. I was in a huge predicament. I could either be the most hopeful and optimistic person ever or be fucking down in the dumps and negative about everything. In there case, I was being positive in the way that I thought Yasmine would end up getting back to me about the cousin card working, then I was being negative in the way that I knew nothing was gonna happen and I wouldn’t be able to go at all, like how it was supposed to be from the beginning. I tried to keep my hopes low- so that I would be used to the fact and already expect nothing was gonna happen or if shit did work out, then my hopes would be risen and I would be so happy. Time went on with listening to them sound check and after a little while, they were done and the rest of the Travel Krew arrived. Brie and I were talking and I was just letting out my sad face feelings and she hugged me and the second she hugged me, I started crying and balling my eyes out. It fucking sucked ass, I just wanted to cry for the whole day. The security guards started yelling at us and told us to either go in line for the festival or to leave and go somewhere else. The rest of them were eating the pizza from earlier so we just went across the street. They ate the pizza and gave whatever they couldn’t finish to some random guy. Finally, they were making their way to the lines. Everyone was already across the street. I able to catch Jojo and I said “Ok, I think this will be the last time you’ll see me. We are just gonna figure out what to do and go back to the hotel room later to get out things and check into our own room. Thank you for everything.” I hugged her and she also reassured me and we said our goodbyes. That was the final second I saw the whole Travel Krew. But as I was walking away going to...some place, I still didn’t know what my sister and I were gonna do, Deanna was walking in my direction and she just got down getting ready. She was on her way to the lines. I was talking to her and said the same thing I said to Jojo and she said “It was amazing finally meeting you for the first time, we will bring you to your first festival, I promise!” Then we hugged and I tried so hard to not cry when we were hugging. We said our final goodbyes and she went on into the festival. I was literally pacing back and forth conflicted with what to do. My sister was giving me bullshit about the situation and it felt like everything she was saying to me was her just blaming me for how I felt, that I shouldn’t have let Yasmine get my hopes up and that I shouldn’t have expected anything. I wanted to leave so bad...leave the festival grounds, leave the city, but me being me, I was still hopeful. We decided to chill around the festival at a Starbucks in case I would get any news. We walking 6 blocks to Starbucks, I got my iced peach green tea, I sat there, and I sat there waiting for nothing. I threw in the towel and we left. While walking to the nearest station, I was getting so pissed at my sister, she was just irritating me and making me feel even worse than I already did. I was crying while walking. Shit, I was a mess. We just took the CTA back to the Travel Krew room. We grabbed our stuff and on our way out, I did that awkward goodbye in the hotel room, like literally saying goodbye to the room itself and the fun memories I had in it, despite the fact I legit stayed there for a day and night. We took the CTA to our hotel, the Sleep Inn near Midway Airport. This hotel I legit paid for myself and I just had a job since this past January and I felt old paying for it and booking it...real talk thought- I was proud of myself, yet I hated this whole “adulting” thing. We checked in and kind of chilled. I was really emo- I didn’t wanna do anything, I didn’t wanna go anywhere, I didn’t wanna see anything or anyone...I was just numb. I felt really shitty and bad for my sister because she literally flew out this day only to keep my company and occupied while everyone else I was in Chi with was at the festival. She wanted to take to see  Chicago and explore the city and go to the basic tourist spots, but I really didn’t have it in me.Krewella set was at 5:50pm and I was just waiting for time to pass. My sister took a nap and when she woke up, I was watching the Travel Krew live stream from Instagram or Periscope of Krewella playing their set at SAMF. I was still numb and all sadface at the fact that I was literally a couple miles away from the madness I was watching from my phone. Just to get my mind off all of this and for time to pass for the set to be over so I didn’t have to suffer anymore, we went out to dinner at TGI Friday’s in the lot of the hotels around our hotel. I got boneless buffalo wings because I wanted something small and I didn’t have much of an appetite. We went back to the hotel after eating. My sister got ready for bed and crashed. I was on FaceTime with Sam again and she was helping me cope through my numbness. All of a sudden, I got texts from Corinne saying “come to our hotel tn. we needa kick it w you before you leave” She wanted me to meet her and everyone at her hotel after SAMF. She gave me her hotel information, it was the Comfort Inn near O’Hare Airport. Just from basic knowledge, I knew that my hotel and her hotel were ways apart. I googled directions and uber direction and it was 40minutes away and around $40-$50 for an uber. There was no shot I was gonna be down to pay for that. I suggested that our friend, Kody, would scoop me and we would go to her hotel room together. I texted him and he got back to me saying “Fuck it, I’ll come by and get you.” He told me it was his friend who was driving and after waiting a little, Kody and his friends got me and we were on our way to their hotel. It was an interesting car ride. We got gas across the street from the hotel and of course I paid because I offered since I felt shitty about them getting me, but fuck it really. Like, when the hell will be the next time I’ll be in Chicago with krew. We got into the parking lot of the hotel and literally waited for an hour for them to arrive back from the festival. WE waited and talked and chilled in car. The guys were literally putting their legs out of the door because we were waiting for so long, so long to the point where Kody’s friend had to pee, so he peed in the parking lot right next to the car. We went up their room and we just hung out. 

Everyone was so fun. Bianca and I ate this amazing ass cake. There were multiple occasions where we had to quiet down or else we would be getting kicked out. The room was really smokey. They were passing around tequila and they made me take some and it tasted like literal ass and Corinne got a video of me taking it and dying. Lalo was calling me “Philly Cheesesteak”, which was honestly a great nickname. Corinne and I established she was my old Ate and when my sister was texting me to be back at our room at 3am, Corinne told me to text her “My other Ate told me otherwise” which was funny. They were saying “Oh my gosh! I remember when PhillyKrew made it on the scene. You are young and you have been around for a while!”, I felt very satisfied in a way. It was hella fun just hanging with them. We were taking pictures and videos and shit, but then it was time to leave. I knew I was gonna have to pay for take a fucking $40 uber at 3am alone, with probably some creepy ass guy. I asked Bianca to walk be down to the uber. I said bye to everyone and it was hella fun and nice to have hung out with them. Lalo said I was chill for a 16 year old. I hugged everyone and they said “It was so nice to finally meet you. Girl, hit us up when you are in town!” I love them! Bianca walked me down to the lobby and outside barefoot. We talked and shit and I fucking love Bianca. The uber pulled up in and Bianca peeped her head in the window and told the driver to make sure I get to my hotel okay. I hugged her and we said our goodbyes. The car was weird as fuck. I lied about literally everything trying to make myself seem older, I mainly talked about Krewella just to stall and cover shit up. I was texting Bianca the whole time. My sister was freaking the fuck out on the phone. I made it back to the room okay, I took off my makeup and just went straight to bed.

June 11th, 2017

I woke up to my sister telling me to get up and that it was 7am and we had to be in the lobby and have breakfast in time for the shuttle going to Midway Airport at around 7:40am. Our flight was at 9am from Midway to Detroit and then another flight from Detroit to Philly and we would arrive home around 2pm.

Nothing really happened much on the flights. We made both flights. I got some ending footage for my vlog. I was listening to New World on repeat and also wearing my New World shirt from the release party and my KREWLIFE crewneck. My dad got us from the airport. I got home and walked into my room, just looking around and seeing how I felt my room when I left for Chicago. I was just sitting on my bed reminiscing on the moments of happiness and excitement I experienced just a couple days ago leading up to legit one of the BEST days of my life. I was so fucking torn and depressed it was all over. I felt like I had nothing else to look forward to to be honest. Again, I was just in a whole numb situation. I was beyond grateful for and amazing and mesmerized by the trip I just had. It was a fucking dream. I’ve been waiting for this for years now and I just couldn’t believe it was over. It was like I just woke up from a dream...and you had that dream and it went by so fucking fast right in front of you and you can honestly barely remember the deep details of the dream and it felt like it happened so long ago. I was so numb. I began going through the footage I took for my vlog and it was just bad and good all at the same time. Bad because I had to force myself to look back on the amazing memories I just made and that I wanted to relive over and over again. Good because I was feeling all nostalgic and happy and grateful I was able to experience and record all of this. Then, I started editing my vlog. I edited throughout the whole night until I was brain-fried and wanted to crash. 

Now back to the present day. It has taken me literally day to fucking finish this whole story, typing it up and adding the right pictures affiliating to whatever I was writing about. I am so fucking grateful for meeting the people I met for the first time, for seeing and reuniting with the people I haven’t seen in a while, for flying safely and excitedly to literally heaven on Earth, for experiencing such an insane set by Krewella for the first time since 2014, for living in the moment and sinking into everything that was happening...just grateful for EVERYTHING. I am so amazed at this part of my life. I was able to escape my reality... my shittiest ass reality that makes me feel so damn, lost, empty, dark, lonely, etc. This reality, this real world, this real life I have...it’s the fucking worst. As much as I wanna enjoy it, I can’t and I haven’t been able to for the past 2, almost 3 years now. But, I had my KREWLIFE. This life, this fantasy, this dream is what I have to escape to, to fall back on when life is pushing me down. I am so grateful, for everything, for everyone. I can get into depths about this and get all mushy about it in another post. If you had made it this far reading this monster of a post, thank you and I will end this soon.

 It’s June 21st at 12:21am. I am listening to Parachute and I legit just felt the lyrics “We survive on the memories” and “If I could bottle up this feeling. Dancing on the ceiling. Won't sink when I need it. Don't think just believe it.” so hard...I felt the real emotion and meaning of these lyrics as I am typing this. So fucking relevant to wanting to go back to the release party and this whole trip. I can’t wait for the next time I see Krewella and krew and have a perfect trip or day or night like that again. It is all a vicious cycle when it comes to this part of the KREWLIFE- 

Wait for the next chance to see Krewella and be with the krew

Go see Krewella and krew and rage the day/night away and make some crazy, unforgettable memories

Come home from all of the perfect insanity and madness, and feel all depressed it is over and wanting to relive it all

Repeat

[savemefrommyselfxv]

Truth is I haven't stopped writing. I just never got posting. Between considering what benefits it might bring and considering if it would unnecessarily cause fitrah flow and considering if my words might be a sharp edge to take. I mean duh bcuz: 1) "Don't get lost in the game, there is a higher greater purpose." And we've established that if this friendship was to still be standing, it has gottttt to point to God. 2) I feel like fitrah flow may make one weak. Yes it flows on sometimes but... don't let it overcome or overtake or control. Same like nafs. Do we have control over our nafs or do we let our nafs control us. And I can't have you or me be too weak. Cannot ah. It treads dangerous paths. Thus the whole holding and playing the pendant in our hands but never never above heart, or wear on the chest. At least not yet especially since we arent idk i think we each still need much growing and self fixing before we tread the path of lockets on heart. 3) which is thus why I am very careful to use certain words. At least not explicitly ahah. Layer it with metaphors. A bit more shyness and adab in a sense. Indirects. 4) Also beyond fitrah flows, there were also parts of tawar hati or ahahahah this is lame but idk old scars hurt/haunt - I haven't exactly talked bout this but yeah. If this friendship thing we have one day were to traverse the path of looking into the possibility of wearing lockets on heart or yeah the whole confirming the owner of the blue book AHA then there's that to talk about. And also the idea of a deal breaker. What's enough of a deal breaker that will cause this friendship to fall. (ahah lol rmmbr at the start of this friendship I was always wonderingggggg how the flesh of this friendship might end) 5) The silence. I'd like to think you're smart enough to take a hint la. Like ya I cannot ah hahahahahah tawar hati was real/true and the "I cannot bring myself to put in my energy, not while I'm still tawar hati" is also real and true BUT SEE LIKE I KNOW OUR FRIENDSHIP still be on frequency and like thus Sunday ahahahah I couldn't bring myself to be cold shoulder or wtv la like we still click la hahahah and wtv inside jokes like a "eh you know I know" like whenever gene mentioned things like wordplay or ya the twitter thing ahahah. And if we do meet more on majulah AHA there might be more of such probably. Nct or wtvz ahah. But ya like ok AHA when I first entered the room (dah la lambat) ahahah of course there was the whole fight-or-flight (pls google if you dont know) but eventually it simmered down ahahah and I was chill thru and throughout so that was cool ah. Hahahah like I didnt feel awkward ard you or anything (cuz we probs been sharing convos before so yeah familiarity)(and maybe less feels cuz I try not to fitrah flow unnecessarily) so yeah I made suee to ghaddul basr a biiit more cuz I know I might fitrah flow if I didnt ahah. 6) the j cole song (runaway) is disturbing ah HAHA as in the mindset of how it goes. Got a main girl you'd call wife but still have nafs to bone other sidechicks like woah ahahah. Family institutions for me is too precious and links back to the higher purpose thing ahahahah so yeah :"""( I hope you don't believe in such. 7) what else dyou have as skeletons in your closettt :( i think I wrote before "broken in varied ways: not strong enough to take it in". I guess it's baina baina between facing reality and the harshness of it vs doing our best to create a new reality where it is less ugly than pasts and to overcome wtv bad habits. 8) what else ah. HAHAHAH see la write so long how to reply. Um oh ya HAHA you didn't have to request for a reply to bintang di bumi cuz I think immediately after the morning after I heard it a tune came to my head la hahahah then freestyled it then the morning after I sat to properly freestyle a tune reply. But yeah i didn't send over cuz twas like your Os and I didnt want to weaken you nor did I want your mind to mindlessly hover over such. But idk ah idk if it should be listened by you ahah. Ahahah but I took a listen again jn quite addictive replaying in my head but slow tune ah 9) "you know like i wrote in the blue book like i wish i could always speak to you like once a week?" AHAHAHAH what. this caught me off guard ahahah. 10) Maybe I'll post the writes I've been writing. Ahah but till then for now. Stay focused. Be hardworking. Don't lose your mosque ventures and productivity and positive streak and strive to be independent ah hahahah but yeah I suppose this friendship yet again did not meet a dead end. Till then. Fi amanillah.