#ok brain doesnt work anymore goodnight

[vxmpyree]

Not to be that person (I am that person) BUT LIKE the anxious attachment! reader x avoidant attachment! nikto FUCKING BROKE ME OKAYYYY. Pt....2???......maybe.....doesnt have to have a happy ending if you dont picture it that way, but it left me bawling on the floor ok

yayaya!! ill give them a little happy (?) ending ^-^ maybe not super fulfilling, but its a start for them

[no. 1 party anthem - arctic monkeys]

[P. 1 ▶ P. 2] anxious attachment! reader x avoidant attachment! nikto

stress blights not only the brain but also the body. when all the worrying leaves you numb, you think that maybe you're starting to get over it.

you wake up sick when you and nikto go to bed on opposite sides. it feels like a blade is stabbing your belly, and a smarting headache rings through your head any time you try to roll over. last night, your stomach ached too, but you thought little of it, thinking that dinner was just bad.

it's still dark out; he's beside you, just as tense and withdrawn as he was when you said goodnight. the only light offered is the thick red numbers on your alarm clock.

the person you want to seek comfort from is him, it's always been him. but you are torn-- you don't want to bother him. you're always asking him if he needs anything or is dissatisfied with married life. nikto always says no. maybe you just ask stupid questions-- would it be ridiculous of you to ask for comfort? all you need is for him to hold you, but he's so squeamish, so--

he mutters something in his sleep, shifting in the pilling sheets. your shaky breathing catches in your throat, and your fingers scramble to clutch your shirt.

nikto is silent. his breaths are always low and hang heavy in his chest, never letting his target hear a peep out of him. even at home he's quiet to keep his edge sharp.

he turns toward you, slivers of the red glow catching on old wounds. your knees rise to compensate for your aching stomach, and your hands wander. they claw at the sheets for him, desperate to fill the three-foot gap he's instated these last few weeks.

you want him to pity you, to give you a little bit of grace. he's still as stone like he's about to dismiss the way your heart wrenches for him.

he reaches out slowly as if you're a wounded animal. you certainly feel like one, being so nervous about what's to come and hoping for a helping hand. you gnaw at your lower lip while his hand slowly but surely finds its way to your impatient palm.

his voice, a rare thing, breaks the silence.

"we are just..." he trails off, searching for words that won't make him sound as weak as he feels. "uncomfortable," he decides.

it's the most he's given you in ages. you need this reassurance that he doesn't loathe you. he's been acting like a robot like he doesn't have needs. you don't want to see battle-ready nikto. you want him vulnerable and soft, like how things used to be.

the belly pain ebbs off as relief washes over you, like a cool breeze against clammy skin. this gnawing anxiety releases its hold on you when he just shows up for you.

"i make you uncomfortable?" you squeeze out.

his fingers twitch in your grip, and his brow furrows.

"because if i'm too much, then i can let up a little. i'm sorry, i just wanted--"

nikto sucks his teeth and diverts his attention to elsewhere. your lips stretch thin.

"it is not you, it is me."

you don't speak. even if you wanted to, what could you say? you just stare, waiting for the classic breakup routine you've seen time and time again, but it never comes.

"we are stretched thin," he mutters through grit teeth. "at work. and then i come home, and i... i do not know what to say. i do not know the man you married anymore. these four walls and you become too much. i have become a ребёнок. "

his grip on your hand is knuckle-white. your skin flips between paling and flushing with every little dig and squeeze. your fingers are starting to ache, but you don't protest. this is good. he's letting everything spill and letting his breaths reach deep into his lungs.

it's time for change. this static life may not hurt you, but it makes him antsy and lackluster.

"can't we meet halfway?" you whisper. "i can try and not ask you all sorts of things all the time. but when i do talk to you, answer like you mean it, or tell me you're not in the mood."

the air conditioner unit hums as he considers you. in the dark, you can make out the shape of his head nodding.

he scoots a little closer. it's not enough for your bodies to touch, but you can feel the heat pooling off his skin and smell his cheap body wash.

[scige-alt]

YOUR ALIAS & NICKNAMES — james bt usually its spelled JAMES bt irl i’ve been called jimbo and jam and jammies and jimjam n w/e endearing terms bc i am precious

AGE — 20

TIMEZONE — est

PREFERRED PRONOUNS — she/they bt the she is more out of convenience fr others n also nothing bothers me

MBTI — istp i share this with bri and also my character viktor bt ive also gotten infp before i think which is almost the complete opposite so! take tht as u will

HP HOUSE — oh wait i actually know this i took a fckn quiz hold on. ok i took this fucker right here and i got burned gryffindor primary, model hufflepuff primary, gryffindor secondary, n model hufflepuff secondary which boils down 2 ... i dont know

ARE YOU A STUDENT? WHAT DO YOU STUDY? — technically yes but i havent taken a class in a year bt i used to be a social work major n then i was gna switch to english n then i wanted to do environmental / coastal / marine biology / science bt then i realized i cant do math so idk

ARE YOU ENJOYING IT? — i was :/

LINKS TO OTHER ACCOUNTS & SOCIAL MEDIA — i dont like being perceived bt my twitter is @fauxcherub and my pinterest is @offbrandsodapop / big tid and im too lazy 2 link them so im sry bt also my rph is @svrgcnts​ n my theme is unfinished ignore it

DISCORD USER — sniff#3644 i think

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FICTION GENRE? — i like modern fantasy / urban fantasy just like. modern magic. modern. bt mostly fr books. fr like films n tv shows i dont know i binge watch gossip girl and eat several oranges

TOP FIVE FAVOURITE FILMS — i ...... dont know .... pride n prejudice, austin powers, halloweentown n co’, the princess bride, the princess diaries or ella enchanted

A BOOK YOU FEEL “CHANGED” YOU? — i read the darkest minds when i was a freshmen in high school and it was the first book that ever made me cry and i think it unlocked the part of me that genuinely feels emotion because ever since i read it i cry multiple times a week to every single day at like. everything. so. its not even a revolutionary book i just really liked it

A MOVIE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? — probably pride n prejudice i wont lie but also if something stars mike myers chances r that its on my mind

WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? — aquarius sun, aquarius moon, cancer rising

ARE YOU INTO ASTROLOGY? — not 2 the point where i hate u if ur a gemini i just think its fun 2 b like ‘haha i do that’

WHAT PLATFORMS HAVE YOU ROLEPLAYED ON? — facebook n club penguin

WHAT OTHER HOBBIES DO YOU HAVE? — im a shell of a person.

HAVE ANY PETS? IF SO, TALK ABOUT THEM! — harley n bodhi i love them and so do u harley is a pit mix maybe possibly idk? and bodhi’s a shiba and theyre opposites. harley is so nice. bodhi is an asshole. i love them so much

IS THERE A TV SHOW YOU RECOMMEND A LOT? — i rly liked fleabag but schitt’s creek mostly. i also liked the politician but i want to punt ryan murphy so. i think the haunting of hill house is also a good show

ANY SHOWS YOU LIKE SOME MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT YOU DO? — i think im too predictable bt if anybody wants to tell me the answer to this please do

WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? — god i think i was reading strange the dreamer by laini taylor or smth like that bt ya i was enjoying it even though i stopped halfway thru and havent picked it up in a year

CURRENTLY READING? — i cant read

LAST FILM? REC IT? — the joker and no.

THREE MOVIES YOU NEED TO WATCH — practical magic bt i told myself i wouldnt watch it until i do my replies, perks of being a wallflower, n uuuhhh beautiful boy (thank u neen)

WHAT MOVIE DO YOU THINK YOU’VE SEEN THE MOST TIMES? — austin powers or halloweentown or shrek i wont lie its probably shrek yeah its shrek

WHAT ALWAYS PUTS YOU IN A GOOD MOOD? — the gc usually :/

WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE MUSICIAN / BAND? LIST IF THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE. — lady lamb bt im mad at her bc she hasnt toured to florida and all i want is to see her live bt im really feeling bay faction lately bt also mcr bc im emo but im kind of a few songs frm every artist type of person n not like entire discographies except fr the bands ive just listed

WILD NIGHT OUT OR QUIET NIGHT IN? — house parties r cool bt i like 2 be. in bed most of the time

ANY PHOBIAS? — none tht i can recall atm bt i have a lot of anxieties in general :/

DO YOU LIKE BUGS? — depends on the bug ...

BIRDS? — mostly no but ig it depends on the bird ... i like them frm afar bt their talons scare me

ARE YOU A CAT OR DOG PERSON? BOTH? — im v allergic to cats bt i want a cat so mf badly. but also ig im a dog person bc ive. always owned a dog

BIGGEST PET PEEVE? — like. not being self aware. passive aggression. the rpc

FAVOURITE THING ABOUT THE RPC? — this is a trick question

TOP TEN FAVE FCS TO USE? — dev patel, avan jogia, natalia dyer, bill skarsgard, medalion rahimi, naomi scott, ella purnell, freya mavor, liana liberato, sky ferreira.

FIVE YOU LIKE WRITING AGAINST? — i dnt rly focus on the fcs of other muses so i dnt think i can answer this. austin butler.

FAVOURITE TYPE OF FOOD? — mexican food i would eat it everyday if i could

WORST FOOD? — i think sushi is gross

DO YOU PLAY VIDEOGAMES? IF SO, WHAT ONES AND ON WHAT PLATFORM DO YOU PREFER? — not frequently. i like the bioshock like. series. universe. bt i like point n click adventures a lot ... deponia is my favorite game series theres like four of them n ive finished them in 8 consecutive hours each. i only use pc

ANYTHING ELSE YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH THE TAG? — im so sleepy

LASTLY, HOW DID YOU FIND US? — drama SJNKDFMG

[calciferstims]

honestly, im gonna watch them, the lotr films, no matter how many pauses i take, its going to be BLOODY WATCHED!! loool, im determined!

haha not mocking you but the "cyborg octopus man" had me chuckling, sounds funny. but yea basically that is what he is. i remember when i first saw him in the movie i was thinking he looking kinda hella mad interesting.

what are some of your favourite plushies, if you have any? i honestly have so many, like i dont even have room for them all on my bed so i have had to put some away in boxes lol...and yet, i want more haha. one heartbreaking, okay kinda exaggerated but not really, is that i threw away some aaaaaaages ago and every so often im bashing myself for it, really, because some were given when i was a little child, and some of my grandparents, that are no longer with us. makes me sad that i threw them away because i just get in what i call "depression" cleaning, so i dont care about anything and will throw away legit anything. luckily last time i had me mum stop me though, so i didnt throw away a massive amount of books...hate when that happens. idk why tf im blabbering on about that lmfao im sorry.

that gotta have been annoying, wanting to talk a lot about your interests that you are more into than others, i imagine?

i dont really have any, like, interests that i know about, like i have zero information about films, stuff i watch and whatnot lol...whenever someone asks me what something is about that im watching, i just cant explain it lol, im like, i- im watching it but idk how to explain it? lol...

yeah that last portion sounds like hyperfixation/special interest in a nutshell for some lol. sometimes it lasts longer, sometimes it doesnt. whats the longest on-going hyperfixtion you have had?

thanks for your reply mate!

YOU CAN DO IT!! I BELIEVE IN YOU! YOU WATCH THOSE MOVIES!

Listen. What is very important to understand is that I do not like Doc Ock for deep reasons 😌 He is simply a cyborg octopus man and that is very funny! The tentacles are telling him to do crime!! He’s a funny man and I like him! Also I want him to forcibly adopt every version of Peter Parker until they are all his children ok goodnight

I’m really sorry to hear that you lost some of your plushies that way, that sounds like a really difficult problem to deal with :( I highly encourage you to keep having fun getting new stuffies tho, if it’s something that makes you happy! :))

Hm, well I don’t have many stuffies anymore but one of the oldest ones I have that I care about a lot is Wolfy (yes very creative name I was 5 okay) and he’s a grey wolf I got from Build-a-Bear :) He’s permanently dressed in a Star Wars pajama top and firefighter overalls, one arm is stuck bent backwards for some reason, but his heartbeat still works and he’s a huge comfort item for me 🥺 If I get more soon, I really wanna get some cow plushies and maybe some bee plushies!!! The brown cow Squishmallow looks so freaking cute, and there’s so many adorable Jellycat plushies too!

As far as being into things more than others goes: it’s alright really? I have some very lovely friends that are willing to hear me talk about things even if they don’t know it 🥰 I have developed some insecurities around my infodumping, but they’re always there to reassure me and I’m getting better! :)

Hm, well I can’t really remember all my fixations or how long they lasted, so it’s hard to say what was longest.. technically I think my longest is Loki because I went from Original Big Hyperfix - to general continued interest - to the big Loki Hyperfixation Revival of 2021, so that’s definitely stuck around 😂 but you asked for longest ongoing hyperfixation, so I gotta be real honest as to what I think it was.. 😅

The Rocky Horror Picture Show. AND that spawned an equally large Tim Curry hyperfixation. For seven freaking months. 7 months of hell-brain, baby 😔 I try to never shame myself or others for hyperfixations, but I gotta admit, that’s one thing I’m happy to move on from lmao. But hey, if you ever need to know anything about renowned actor Tim Curry and his extensive filmography, I’m your guy 😂

Thank you for your lovely responses as well!

[trauma-genic]

alright so guy-interest and his ex(idfk?) called me at 12:50am over a petty fight, bitchass got mad at how one of us talks (kyle calls everyone homie, bro, my guy, ect.) so he just fucking misgenders us and holy fuck we legit got so fucking angry someone threatened to castrate bitchass (which we 100% would do still) and he goes for the even lower hanging fruit that 'you dont even have a dick, you pussy' which immediately kyle claps back w 'and somehow my dick still bigger than yours 🤔' and to try me bc we legit have almost been killed, nothing fucking fazes us anymore.

im just pissed because now its 2:30am almost and we are all still filled with rage because they call us for our opinion and bitchass doesnt even fucking listen, he just kept going 'thats what i was trying to say' which.... was it? what exactly were you trying to say when you gave him back the engagement ring (that bitchass pushed D into doing sooner than he was ready) every time they have a petty fight over something stupid that Bitchass started. and also holy fuck you CANT expect your partner to put out for you a certain amount of times every week. sex is only a small part of the relationship, but every time when asked about what hes going to be working on is "overcoming his sex-drive" to which i say stfu and go fucking masturbate. your partner is NOT a living sex doll, you both must be in the mood, both must be active participants and communicating with each other. sex is a deep and intimate physical connection and even if some people are more open with it, in our mind, you only really sleep with someone you can trust, someone you would give your life for, someone you hope you can love and they dont end up hurting you instead.

we desperately wanted to be that for someone for so long that i think we dont genuinely need it anymore. we had become empty and hollow for so long, but then D is here again. and for some stupid fucking reason my chest feels hot and my heart pounds when i think of him. and my body reacts in ways it hasnt in years, and i really do want this but i will be the rebound again, like always. do i actually like him or am i just liking that someone is paying attention to us again for the first time in so long.

i want to be someones first choice for once and even still, he wont pick me. and thats ok, we already told him that we are used to this and that if he chooses to eventually go back, as long as hes happy we would be happy. because thats what friends are for, to be there for each other and be happy when a relationship works out. not saying we wouldnt want to be in a relationship, but being used to be second best, who knows if he will actually want to be with me/us bc we have told him about my brain.

anyways goodnight we are fucking tired