#idk what scenario a not-date date would manifest in though

[heartscrypt]

jamiazu scenario where they go on a date but neither of them thought it was a date and Azuls like 'ohh jamil is being so 💓💓 too bad this isnt a real date...' while Jamil is like 'oh what the hell. why is he doing that why is he being normal. and kind of cute? ?? damn' and uhh yeah idk im pretty sure i read this in a fic 👍

HELP ME RHIS IS SO GOOD. jamil being like "Why is he not being a freak rn" is so fucking funny. my favorite thing is like.. jamil seeing certain aspects of azul like the real genuine azul that peeks through the personality azul usually projects. and finding them endearing. then backtracking in his own mind and going "Waitwaitwait I HATE THIS GUY HE'S FAKE HE'S FAKE HE'S FAKE" and there azul is clueless to jamils internal monologue bein like "? Omg he's looking at me" (girl who does not really care if jamil is looking at him with disgust as long as he's got his eyes on azul. lol)

[nakedbibi333]

Hello. My person is also a celebrity and there’s something that kind of bothers me. First I just want to say that I feel so connected to my person. I believe in stuff like soulmates and I really deeply know that he is the one for me. But at the start of this journey around 2 years ago I was in a horrid mindset. Like doubts, negativity, etc.. and I formed this belief that this person who he is shipped with is better for him. it comes in a “what if” anxiety kind of thought. It’s something I have struggled with for a while, I have gotten much better in my mindset thought and I’m here doing the best that I can everyday to change my inner world, including this belief and many other limitations. He is an idol. And in the idol world you hear and see a lot of things about dating scandals, random marriages lol and in the beginning of knowing him I had intense anxiety about that happening. I even stopped myself half way through at the start because I was so scared of that happening. I mean who wants to see someone that they are in love with with someone else, the thought makes me nauseous tbh. I get intrusive thoughts every now and then about my fears being true. I have been repeating affirmations and doing my self concept which has helped me so much in a few days. Have you ever faced such beliefs/thought with knowing your person? I truly am in love with him and he makes me feel beautiful in a way that I can’t describe. I have this thing I call inner guidance, and actually this may sound funny but it is what started all of this by telling me that me and __ are meant to be lol. And it’s a really positive internal talk that reassures me. This whole thing of what if someone is better for him, those kinds of thoughts has been tripping me slightly though. I feel that I have come so far with him and their have been many signs/synchronizations with him, and idk he has really changed who I am within in so many ways. Like imagining me and him together really puts my whole world of dreams together. I just wanted to chat with someone about it. I apologize that there may be no direct question just talking. I think I just want to know have you struggled in this way as well? Or any advice to get through those kind of thoughts? Or maybe just want to vent about how you feel with your person too because I could go on about my feelings for mine 25/7 lol!:)

Hi!! First I want to say, the wonderful thing about your message is that your 3D world is your previous beliefs being physically reflected. Basically, by believing that they are your soulmate, you are manifesting that as the truth in your reality, which is the reason why you frequently get signs and confirmations about this. (This is wonderful because it means you're successfully manifesting these beliefs into your reality!)

Now, when it comes to manifesting celebrities, you need to be able to ignore the 3D and only focus on your desired reality. It doesn't matter what the media says, what other fans say, or what you see from public info. You need to focus on the idea that they love you, that they're meant to be with you, and that they only want to be with you. But, it's okay and normal to react and to be jealous, but continuing to shift your focus and thoughts back to your desired reality will keep you on track no matter what.

So, remove the belief that you will see a dating scandal/marriage/etc! If they are dating you, why would they go out and date someone else? Keep this belief in the forefront of your thoughts whenever you start to feel that way.

And yes I am still human, so of course, I have gotten nervous thoughts about my sp. The most important thing is to keep your thoughts away from scenarios that you don't want to happen. Affirm or visualize the best-case scenario if you have to in order to keep your dominant thoughts on them being with you and only you.

Please work on your beliefs surrounding your confidence and you being 100% deserving of the relationship. No one is better for him than you. You are meant to be, he only loves you and he only wants to be with you. Focus on these facts when you start to worry about undesirable scenarios.

It's a wonderful thing to manifest an sp, whether or not they're famous. Keep persisting and know that I'm rooting for you ♡

[paddingtonfan69]

Any thoughts on an AU where the Incident in 5th grade never happened and Sterling and April remained friends? Or is this AU too boring because of the lack of the enemies part that is integral to their dynamic? Idk I just like the idea of Sterling gradually comparing her boyfriend to her friend and realizing she wants more morphousness. It’s just so funny when she makes fun of Luke for not wanting to watch subtitled movies (insert Bong Joon Ho’s quote on subtitles).

Hmm okay anon I been thinking about this an it’s hard because something that I think is so fundamentally April is her rage. And the thing about The Incident is that I read it less of a - Sterling gave April away now April hates her - and more of a manifestation of the jealousy April must have felt after Sterling started dating Luke. My interpretation is that her little gay April brain felt that when Sterling started dating Luke, that was almost the betrayal, but of course, with being 11 and queer and unable to have it be romantic jealously, it was almost easier for her to look giving away thing as the actual way in which Sterling hurt her. As almost an excuse to get away from Sterling, from having to be around all that affection that April desperately craved pointed at someone else.

I guess my point (if I have one) is that I do not see April reacting to any feelings for Sterling with sort of a soft pining as opposed to a fiery anger. And that anger that sits within her is also one of the reasons Sterling is attracted to her (like, quite literally). Though I do appreciate where you’re coming from, I just don’t see a scenario in which April isn’t angry and just waits around while Sterling figures it out. And in a way that’s kind of the beauty of what happens - that there is this rage that builds within April and that rage itself is what makes Sterling realize she wants April. It’s something that not many others would see themselves attracted to, and it’s almost shocking that it’s from sweet kind Sterling, but she loves it. And that’s what makes them so oddly compatible.

I do think that of course Sterling realizes that on an intellectual level her and April are much more compatible than her and Luke, and I get where you’re coming from, but I also do love that it was two separate realizations almost - first that her and Luke weren’t meant to be, then realizing her feelings for April. (Maybe I also feel this because I truly love dumb himbo king Luke lol)

ANYWAY, I guess my answer is no I don’t see this scenario, I’m sorry!!! I think typing this out made me realize I’m just a big ol SLUT for canon!!! But ofc these are just my thoughts, they don’t have to line up with yours or anyone else’s!! And thanks for asking, this was fun to think about!

[riveir]

wishlist plots & aus.

i’ve been meaning to do this for a while but because i’m a person that really strongly prefers plotted interactions and also runs into problems with actually getting those more developed things going, i figured compiling wishlist stuff and stuff that comes from my own brain might be helpful. i’ll keep this linked in the pinned post if anyone ever wants to draw from it for a starter call or whatever, and to also make it easier for me to find if plotting ever hits a road block.

peace corps. this would technically fall under the umbrella of one of river’s canon au verses, the one in which he lives but is in the less realistic scenario where he rejects his parents’ wishes and goes ahead and joins the peace corps. this could be a really good way to get muses from two different canons / universes / etc. to meet, because the organization brings all these people together into one group sent to work somewhere overseas. river works as an english education teacher, and where they’re working can be totally open. could be used as mentioned before, but also as sort of a stepping stone for river to start a life beyond the states / open up opportunities for him that will take him away from home, etc etc. just a fun way to take him out of his usual settings and throw him in a new place under new circumstances, whether your muse is in the corps with him or if they’re just in the same place and they meet under different circumstances.

political dynasty. rather than holding a high position with goldman sachs, river’s father has an influential political position ( like a diplomat or foreign ambassador, which could explain river living years of his life at least somewhat abroad ), something that would put the family under a microscope on a national scale. could be a very kennedy-esque thing where politics is sort of just like the family business and river would be expected to carry that mantle as well ( which, obviously, he doesn’t really want ). this could go a number of different directions because the barkleys would be considered high profile individuals: bodyguard stuff, danger stuff, etc. i’m open to anything here, this would just be the groundwork to set up some conflict that would be more specific to your muse and their circumstances, since this is pretty adaptable on river’s end. i’d also be willing to write river older than i usually would ( as a younger adult ), because i think being nationally known would change his circumstances a bit and yada yada i can elaborate on that more if anyone asks, if we wanted to go the route where river himself is the political figure, probably a junior congressman or something. he could pretty controversial, as mental health advocacy and gun control would probably be two of his biggest agendas / two of the most important components of his platform.

modern royalty. similar to the above, but rather than coming from a political family, river comes from a monarchical family. obviously not based in the united states but could open up similar plotting opportunities as listed above. for one example he could still be attending a traditional university, and could open up opportunities for your muse to be a classmate of his ( as a friend sure but maybe there’s some benefit your muse could gain from making friends with him or something shadier like that ), or maybe you’re super annoyed that he’s there because like who cares about the royal family and why does he get so much attention, or maybe your muse knows he hates the attention and it gets to a point where he actually has to be fearful about it and there’s some way your muse can help him out.

fake dating. this is a jam of mine always. river could have several reasons of his own to be in a fake relationship, and this could work especially well in another au like the political dynasty or modern royalty scenarios, but it could totally come more from your muse’s end as well. it could also be a thing where river’s parents are trying to set him up with your muse if that would make sense, because that’s a very wasp-y rich people thing to do. 

period aus. this one is super open but river could work really well for this type of thing, especially because his family is so old fashioned in a lot of ways and very traditional in how they expect their family to be and how they expect river to be and all that. also could work super well for this letter writing plot i have in my wishlist tag.

ghost!river. this would have to be plotted for sure because the way river’s “ghost” canonically manifests is as an extension of the other person; he exists to give them advice or as their moral compass/conscience or something like that. it can be different depending on the muse, but he manifests at their own will and serves some sort of purpose for them. he’s more of a guiding force of some sort rather than an actual ghost coming back to reveal new information or anything like that. he wouldn’t do anything that the other muse wouldn’t think he would do, and wouldn’t tell them anything they didn’t already know. the exception to his in river’s canon is when the protagonist has a near-death experience and sees river in the afterlife and they have an actual conversation as two separate entities, and that could definitely be something i’d be up for, too.

champagne problems. this song off of evermore has enormous river energy. from the genius description of the song: “’champagne problems’ tells the story of a woman who shocks her would-be fiancé and their loved ones by turning down a marriage proposal right before christmas ... the song depicts ‘longtime college sweethearts [who] had very different plans for the same night, one to end it and one who brought a ring.’ the song implies that the protagonist has a history of mental illness, which the town subsequently stigmatizes in their gossip surrounding the failed proposal.” river could be either of the people in the couple for obvious reasons ( either the wealthy person from the well-to-do family all expecting the proposal, or the person who breaks it off and is subsequently - or, maybe, already is - the subject of that gossip ). the circumstances of the breakup can vary depending on the specific relationship between the muses: maybe they were really in love and had a great relationship but the influential family just had too much influence and pressure, maybe the stigmatization and gossip was a bit too much, maybe neither of their hearts were really in it and it was just an advantageous thing that appeased the big family but the other person ultimately just decided they couldn’t go through with it. as i am with everything i’m totally open here. it also totally doesn’t have to match the exact circumstances and can just be based on the general idea. ( in the same vein, here’s a link to some cool folklore-based plots )

apocalyptic danger. or to be honest, any sort of scenario that creates a life or death (or near life or death) situation for one or both of our muses. in all honesty i just love raising the stakes.

musician or actor river. even though it’s not my favorite alternative path to explore for him to seriously pursue acting or music as a career, it could open up some potentially cool dynamics that i’d be down with. maybe river plays piano in a bar or restaurant or whatever at night during college and your muse loves open mic night. maybe they’re doing a show together in college or maybe even out of college if i think it would make sense that river could get to that point in life. maybe river’s actually achieving some level of success and has some degree of notoriety. idk this is just an option that could be cool if we develop it enough ( cause like i said, without that development and specificity to our muses i’m not as into this route for him specifically)

childhood best friends to lovers. ( or some variation ). self-explanatory, just my favorite trope. some wishlist stuff here.

wishlist post #1: “i just want a plot where it’s two rich kids who live in neighboring estates and their families always throw parties together and they have vacation homes in the same spots and their elite parents are too busy to notice when they sneak off to fuck in that second guest bathroom that no one uses or get high in the back library and makeout”

wishlist post #2: “give me a we broke up because i had to move away because of school and we knew we couldn’t do long distance but oh my god i’m home for christmas and you’re still beautiful and we’re wine drunk slow dancing to the sound of elf on the television and you smell like hot chocolate and i miss you so much please don’t let this end again plot !!!!!”

wishlist post #3: “someone give me “you live in the apartment across the hall and you’re so fucking hot but i get so awkward around you even though you act completely normal and i stutter every.time. you’re out of my league anyway but then one night my stupid roommate locks me out and i forget my key and you see me sitting the hallway so you invite me in. and obviously i say yes but holy crap what is happening” plot pretty pls”

wishlist post #4: “au where it's a blind date gone wrong/really awkward first time/two people who just get off on the wrong foot but keep on running into each other and then slowly fall for each other”

wishlist post #5: “give me best friends who harbor feelings for each other . they’ve acknowledged the feelings but they don’t do anything about it , because the friendship is too precious . and when one of them is finally ready to say “ fuck it, let’s take the risk ” , they see the other making out with another person”

i also always just want more college things and things in pre-established canon universe aus ( all linked in my pinned post, but including hogwarts, gossip girl, legacies, riverdale, etc ). i’m also always down for plotting ships.

[seven-oomen]

Yay, I’m glad you’re feeling better!  I’ve still got some time before work, so have a few more thoughts.  :D

First, re: Laura’s age, I’m pretty sure that if she was allowed to legally take Derek (16 at best at the time) with her to NY (which I assume she was or I’m sure it would have been mentioned by either Stiles or Noah), she would have had to be at least 18, possibly 21 at the time (I think that might vary state to state, I know 18 is CA legal age for sex) that they left (and she wouldn’t have been able to access their money if she was wanted for kidnapping - leather jackets and Camaros don’t grow on trees).  Also, if there’s approx. 6 years between Cora and Derek, there’s no reason there couldn’t have been as many between Laura and Derek.  And even if she was young when they left, to leave him there alone for SIX YEARS?  Yeah, she’s definitely got some explaining to do.

And maybe the wolf only physically manifests when he’s by himself?  Or later on, only with pack mates he fully trusts?

And, omg, I LOVE the idea of the other dad being Noah this time (as long as Claudia was okay with it, though lbr, she probably actively encouraged it), if only for the look on Jackson’s face when he finds out both who his other parent is and who his half-sibling is.  XD

Not sure how I feel about Theo as a lost Hale.  I haven’t really seen any episodes with him, so most of what I know is through tumblr and fanfic.  The general impression I got was that in some ways he was the most genuinely amoral NE type character on the show (most of the others skewed much more chaotic to me), which could make for some REAL interesting drama.

Oh man, I can just see them all meeting up at like a library or maybe an empty classroom because they’ve been down to the vault, and they start talking about the evidence they have so far, and Peter just starts going off on a rant explaining everything he’s learned, and in the middle of it he notices that there’s a fish tank in the room and just grabs a fish out of it and swallows it whole mid-explanation.  Everyone is mildly freaked out and doesn’t quite know how to react until finally Noah and/or Chris go over to stand in front of the tank before he passes by again to keep him from reaching in again.  XD

I think that was all for now, I need to get ready for work either way.  Enjoy your game whenever it arrives!  I hope you keep feeling better!  *Hugs!*

18 seems to be the legal age for sibling guardianship in the US from what I could find in a quick Google search. So she would have to be at least that. Which would still make her a teenager herself but she could also have been older. I’m also not saying I agree with what Laura did just that I can see why, even if I think it’s shitty and that it’s absolutely cause for what Peter did in S1.

I honestly think that the only Hale that was acting out of malicious/ less than good intent was Talia herself and that the rest of the Hales were just unfortunate results of their circumstances. Laura abandoned her uncle to protect her brother and take him away, which is inexcusable but understandable in her situation, Derek had to go along with her because he was a minor. They also just both lost most of their family including both parents and (as far as they knew) their sister. Laura’s biggest flaw in this case was not returning to Beacon Hills for her Uncle when the situation was safe for her to do so. Which could have prevented a lot of blood shed. And honestly, I feel like she should atone for that. She messed up big time on that one.

I like the idea of the wolf only physically manifesting when Peter is alone, or later only around the rest of the pack. Bonus points if no one can figure out WHY it is happening. Was it the fire? Is it Peter’s way of becoming evolved? No one knows.

Jackson has a fucking aneurysm when he finds out. There’s a lot of yelling and bitching and whining and snapping. But eventually, when months pass and threats rise, Jackson is also the first to defend Stiles, Liam, and Noah whenever they’re threatened. Malia is far more the type of person to sit back and watch what happens and doesn’t really mind her newfound family too much. She’s still adjusting to not being a coyote.

Claudia definitely knew, actually, I like to think she was the one who pushed Noah to go ask that hot piece of ass out. And although she and Peter had no romantic feelings for one another their relationship eventually evolved into a more best friends with benefits territory where they’d keep each other warm in bed before Noah got home and took care of Stiles together after Stiles was born but they never dated or felt romantic love to one another. 

For this scenario I’m keeping Stiles’s canon birth date as April 8th and putting Jackson’s birthdate as Malia’s on Nov 28th. Because that way Peter got pregnant when Claudia was 8 months pregnant. By the time Peter found out he was pregnant six weeks would have passed, Stiles would have been born and not long after Peter would have been kept away by Talia. (How she kept him away I’m not sure yet, but I’m sure she broke Peter, Claudia, and Noah’s hearts in one fell swoop.)

I do have to admit that was more like an after thought, and I don’t have much with Theo other than; I like his visuals as in looks. So I just also might not do that and just keep it at that.

Honestly I just like writing family dramas with surprise kids, ahhahaha, idk why, it’s just my thing I guess.

And that visual is honestly *cheff’s kiss* Yes XD

The pure chaotic energy lol.

Can you imagine Stiles’s face? Can you imagine Liam’s? Or Jackson’s? Lol.

Malia is just staring at it like ‘yeah, that makes sense’ when you’re hungry you’re hungry. And they have a  hard time explaining to her that NO, You are not supposed to eat random animals like that, Malia. NO matter what Peter does.. 

Yes, he is your father, yes he gave birth to you, but that does not mean you should follow his example blindly.

Hahhahaha and now I see Peter just trying to cuddle after eating a fish or a squirrel but the others are too disturbed by him to let him. XD

poor peter

[freckliedan]

Okay but what about compatibility-wise? Everyone talks about how compatible dnp are but idk where to find this info myself (or how to decipherit for that matter lol). But i figured i would ask you cause you seem pretty passionate about it!

hi b! i just got a few super helfpul asks on the subject of synastry (which is new for me!) if you wanna check out my dnp astrology tag, but i'm also super happy to give u a rundown of what i already know/how i look at compatibility in my own, cobbled-together, absolutely not expert way!

a lot of the astrological learning i've done is thru cafeastrology.com; they have a free birth chart calculator tool, and if you google "dan howell birth chart" or "phil lester birth chart" you should be able to get the info necessary to run their charts (time and location of birth) from other websites! (i like astrotheme, they do cool things with graphs). the time/place of birth info is also availible in tabinof, too! and if you don't have a copy, send me an ask abt phandom archives of content, bc it is availible online.

cafeastrology lets you run the compatibility of any charts you make, so i've looked at dnp's compatibility that way before! with online birth chart/compatibility reports, it tells you every single thing that may be a result of a person or couple's chart(s), so sometimes (especially in birth charts) you'll get like, 8 different aspects in someone's chart that say they're diplomatic and friendly in interpersonal relationships and a single aspect that says they're combative and abraisive in the same scenario.

SO when that kind of thing happens, the single trait that's contrary to the vast majority of the chart can be cancelled out, or only show up under certain circumstances - basically, astrology can be confusing and not every single sentence in a birth chart or compatibility write-up is gonna be dead accurate, but the ones that aren't will be directly contrasted by the ones that are super accurate / repeat themselves throughout the chart.

the reason i can understand charts at all is because ya bitch has adhd and has run a ridiculous number of charts! usually digital birth chart calculators will explain what all of the chart means, and the more charts yoy read the easier it is to understand parts of what's going on just by looking at the chart itself. cafeastrology's compatibility grid really helped me understand things better, too.

solutionastrology & astro-seek also have pretty good compatibility calculators, too!

all that said, dan and phil's compatibilty is like ... it's fucking beautiful, yall. they both have air signs for their sun/moon/mercury, something that both probably makes them feel farther apart from everyone else that they know and understood by each other/connected to eachother in a really deep, unique, meaningful way.

as a gay in a relationship with someone of the same element as me? (in my case, earth/earth), the ways that sharing an element with your partner manifests is in like... you have a really similar way of seeing the world, and processing information, and similar priorities - but, because you're not the same exact sign, you and your partner see different parts of the same picture, and you both constantly are within your comfort zone together while also expanding each other's way of seeing the world and strengthening one another's approach in every endeavor you take on.

but like, as air signs who often are associated with thought and conceptual matters dnp are like... like they genuinely exist in a universe where it's just the two of them and their love for eachother? they could be alone together in a room full of people in the loveliest possible way.

i think i've said this elsewhere before, too, but phil keeps dan from sinking, and dan keeps phil from disconnecting. a weakness of dan's from his chart can be getting trapped in too much thinking, and having his thoughts run away from him in a bad way; phil's chart makes it pretty clear that it's altogether too easy for him to disconnect and isolate from others. they both are able to like. keep the other grounded, though? dan being an anchor-point for phil, so that he doesn't float away from connection, and phil being a buoy for dan so he doesn't sink. it's like. they create a perfect equilibrium?

they also both have a lot of fire in their charts, which, a) that means their love is very equally passionate bc of their venus/mars placements, and b) it means that they also, in each other, have a partner who balances them out by being the direct opposite to their sign? a lot of compatibility calculator websites say that your sister sign (the sign 6 months away from your own, earth is paired with water and air with fire) is a sign you will have conflict with &that you shouldn't date.

however, in my experience? having a healthy close relationship with someone who is of your sister sign is one of the most grounding and beautiful relationships, romantic or otherwise. i know a gemini/sagittarius couple that's like, wicked in love and good for each other, and my best friend is a scorpio which is sister signs with taurus. being close to someone with the opposite sign to your own helps you work through your weaknesses and flaws and have a more open, balanced way of engaging with the world!

so, the huge amount of sagittarius in phil's chart balancing dan's gemini combined with the significant leos in dan's chart that balance out phil's aquarius genuinely like.. leaves me speechless. i didn't think it was possible for two people to have both the compatibility of being the same element and of being sister signs, but that's what dan and phil have. they're literally each other's comfort and home and safety, while also being one another's strongest support and most loving critic, a compass for each other pointing towards a healthy, fulfilling, happy future that they worked hard (together)to acchieve.

i love them and their love. the stars are just, gay for dan and phil. and their love isn't just incredible because it was ~fated~ or something, their love is genuinely inspiring and gorgeous because even if the stars made this all possible, they chose each other. they choose each other every single day, and that's why their love exists. that's how they've made it this far, and i'm just? honestly in awe, yall.

[cbstuckonu]

So a little update. I was dating this guy for a about a month n like a week. I met him on Facebook from adding spree that I did. In a way, I was also trynna hunt for a “man”. And I basically manifested him into my life. We hit it off, instantly. I mean he was hot and literally fell for me instantly too. He wanted to keep in touch thee first day. He got my number same day. But little by little I was afraid. First it seemed to good to be true. And I know these following signs may seem dumb. Buuuut bare with me. I noticed he was a Scorpio. The first letter of his name was J for Jordan. Jordan was the name that crazy girl called herself at one point even though that wasn’t her name. His sc name ends with a kid double D. Which isn’t his name. But it was that crazy girls last name. He just wants to be with me soo bad just like she did and it had only been a month.

I was just soooo scared. Like what are the chances I attract a guy version of the person I hated the most in this world. But it just seemed to many coincidences. I don’t believe in coincidences. I really liked him and tried to keep him in my life. But that fear was lingering somewhere and I couldn’t risk another her. He wanted children someday. He wanted to get married. I couldn’t contain my fears n who he could be- worse case scenario. So I broke up with him yesterday. I made it about lack of communication. That could’ve been solved. But my fears took over. And I don’t even wanna discover who he is a yr down from the relationship.

And I’m just weird too. Apart of me wants him still. But apart me also hates commitment. So I’m sad now. And I don’t know what to do with this feeling. I didn’t want to develop feelings for him because I knew also wanted kids. And I kinda lead him into believe I would consider. Which is a total lie. I just didn’t want to lose him. I knew this would be temporary if I did n if I kept the relationship long , itd hurt to let him go. So now I cut it before it went on and on.

Idk. I was reflecting.and maybe I don’t want to admit that love scares me. And that I have a habit of running away from anyone who shows it to me. We’ll start from ever since I can remember. Denzal I rejected. Later I regretted. Joe I rejected. I regretted later. N I rejected. Later regret it. JB I forgot his first name. But he was sooooo in love with me. Would’ve done everything for me and for some reason that scared me to death. It reminded me of that girl. So I ghosted him. Jordan. Scared me to hell too , thought he was the male version of her. So I ran away from the issue. And the biggest regret of them all , freaaaaking s.The man who had been in my heart for the last decade and a half. I rejected it. My reason at the time was because he was a player. Which is bullshit. Because he married and fucking different women every night and I’m still wishing that one day he’d come back to me.

So in all these scenarios they all have the same thing in coming. I keep running and running. Why does love scare me. Why do I live with one foot in the door and the other out. What is it about love that scares me to death. Why do I push the people who love me away. For what reason. Do I think I’m not worthy of it. What is it. What could it be.

I know I’m lost.