#idk what metric is BYE

[muckyschmuck]

what a fortunate height........foryou to be (projecting hard onto u lotttie

[yakuzabrainrotlive]

Finished Like a Dragon! 87 hours of play time all in all. Do NOT ask me how I squeezed in that amount of hours in less than 3 weeks, I'm already ashamed enough😭

Some general stuff and opinions at the bottom part of the post!

My (way too high) levels before the final stretch (around +2 levels for final bosses):

I'm... considering starting Gaiden right away because it dropped into my mailbox today. But I have an 8-day long trip back home starting December 2nd, and I'm not quite sure if I wanna start and then get interrupted. But I also wanna start Infinite Wealth asap... hmmm...

Good to see Date doing well. Kinda surprised Adachi and him are pals. Serena being the base of operations once again, I shouldn't be surprised.

...AND the Millennium Tower being the stage for the final battle again, too.

I'm gonna be fr; CAN WE BLOW THIS TOWER UP?? Like properly?? Ever since the damn thing was built (AND before it, since the Empty Lot was the ground underneath it), it's been nothing but a place for bloodshed. Almost like it's cursed and needs blood sacrifices to keep itself going. Now, I'm not trying to blame the tower, but... something's up. It needs to go.

My dad when I don't answer messages he sends at 1am

Very good acting from the gang. What a bunch of silly goobers.

I've hated Arakawa jr. since the beginning of the game, so you'll have to excuse me being petty and saving this rocket launcher just for this moment. It was satisfying to finish the fight this way.

It was cool to fight 1v1 at the end, but I was kinda scared I'd die and have to start everything again. Even though it was pretty much impossible considering my overall level lol

Awww. Ichi is very sweet. Almost too sweet; I feel like that's gonna cause him a lot of pain in the future.

....do I sound like Majima when he talked to Kiryu at the start of Kiwami right now? lmao

Despite the game kinda trying to make me feel bad for Arakawa, I truly didn't feel anything when I saw this. Well, I did feel very bad for Ichiban, but I really couldn't be bothered to feel anything for this dude in particular. Bye 👋🏻🙂

Adachi finally getting his closure was nice. Good for him! 🫶🏻

sighhhhh *rapid-fire screenshot noises* 😩

Kinda curious to see where the whole security firm business goes. Sounds... weird right now, but I'll let RGG cook. Kinda hard to imagine Majima sticking around for something like that, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he'll stay for Saejima and Daigo. Who knows.

Kiryu will probably fuck off somewhere again because of the contract, so I'm not even gonna speculate what's gonna happen with him. For all I know he's going back to driving a taxi in Nagasugai. Or maybe he'll go live in a forest somewhere far away and live as a hunter-gatherer in isolation. Nothing would surprise me at this point. Kinda sorta hoping he'll vibe with Watase for a while, but that's pretty much as likely as Majima growing another eye.

Ichiban staying with his team was a given, but it was still relieving to hear it from the man himself.

NOW. How did I like the game?

Uhhh... How do I put this. Fuck it, I'll be honest: NOT one of my favourites. The battle system is a MASSIVE part of that.

I'm just gonna say it now: I didn't enjoy the fights in the game. As soon as I got Hariti's Amulet, I never took it off. I just couldn't be bothered to put up with all that. I didn't find fights thrilling or engaging - not even boss battles - besides a few select situations. Those situations being Kiryu switching styles and the Majima + Saejima combo. And, unfortunately for this game, fights tend to be a big part of these games. So yeah.

The plot? Solid enough, I suppose? I didn't really feel drawn-in before chapter 12, but it was... okay. Didn't blow my mind, but also not bad by any metric. About the middle ground (or slightly above it) for what I've seen from the games this far. I know a lot of people love the plot and I can definitely see why! Idk what my issue was, but it is what it is. Maybe I'll watch just the cutscenes at some point and re-evaluate.

(new) characters? Cool. It was interesting having a whole squad after spending so much time solo in the previous games. The group dynamics were cool. I do feel like Joon-gi and Zhao didn't really have too much interaction with the rest of the group besides Ichiban? Yeah, the convos on the street were nice enough, but besides that, I honestly can't remember those two interacting too much with the others in a more casual setting? Idk, maybe my memory is just overloaded rn. I might be remembering it all totally wrong and forgetting stuff. Overall a nice group. Cozy vibes fr.

Favourite newbies... Saeko and Adachi. Maybe a bit random, but I just clicked with them the most. But I do have to give shoutouts to Eri and Joon-gi for pretty much cutting battle time by 75% with their devastating Divine Shot + Darts Airstrike combo. Not too many lucky survivors around after that.

Another huge shoutout to the hundreds of Invested Vagabonds I tore apart for exp. I will never be able to repay my debt to their kind. RIP kings 🫡

Soundtrack slapped. Substories were fun; among TOP3 games when it comes to those. Picking up bugs was relaxing, so shoutout to the bugs too.

All in all? It was okay! Probably not gonna replay the game because of how much the battle system frustrated me. Yes, even the infamous blockuza 3 surpasses this one in my books. If you enjoyed the battle system in this game, that's cool and valid! It just wasn't my cup of tea. Not gonna go into specific details in this post. Feel free to ask if you want said details. When I started the game, I did make it clear that I'm very picky about turn-based stuff, so y'all were warned.

[snowdeong]

So anyway

Having anxiety is so odd cause I logged on to be like "uhh might be taking an indefinite hiatus" and instead of just saying that I now feel the need to like write an overly long, overly personal post about what's going on as if anyone cares 😭 and then it's like if I say that no one cares it sounds like I'm attention seeking or baiting people into telling me that they do when in actuality I just have a fucked sense of self that I'm trying (and failing lmao) to work on.

Which brings us back to the hiatus funnily enough cause yup. I haven't even written anything new just a few lines of a few ideas I have cooking but fuck part of why I'm struggling to just sit down and go for it is cause I know I will want to post and just the idea of posting makes me wanna throw up now. I know I can't just write it and keep it to myself cause like that's not how I roll but the idea of posting as me and being seen as me is just fucking awful.

It's the same issue I had in deukae fandom at some point, it felt like too many people knew me and I'd thought maybe the feeling came from the fact that I wasn't fully being myself? Cause part of me is being a horny gremlin that is never more happy than when I'm screaming about yeji's cock in someone's dms. But thinking about it, I honestly think being myself has made it worse 😭 I just don't feel comfortable doing anything online anymore 😭 it all just feels like a value judgement of myself and fuck I do not have enough self esteem for that shit.

I think I might do better posting anonymously, especially since on ao3 if it's anon you can't see metrics without going to the stats page but then it's like damn so having fun online and tryna make friends fucks up my mental health but the solution is to become a recluse. Which I do not want lmao. My life situation already makes me unbearingly lonely and miserable so maybe it's more that I'm used to that and being known is so vulnerable I'd be more comfy on my own? idk tbh I'm just stream of conciousing. All I do know is I don't enjoy keeping to myself but ig that'll be the move until whatever tf is going on in my head stops going on.

I'll probably pop in once in a while to post a meme or rb a friend so they know I'm not dead pff but yeah besides that I think it's bye for a bit.

PS. if I do post something and ya'll notice it's me please don't acknowledge it 🥺 I hate having to type this kinda thing cause it's not really a big deal and no one gives af but sigh just in case

[th-inprogress]

ONE thing I fucking hate about y’all (jk) is that I have seen 40 kg as so many peoples ugw. that is 88~ lbs for my non metric girlies. but when I just see that and don’t know other stats, it’s so triggering bc I can’t even begin to imagine weighing that much. I mean it’d be a dream, but I think I would literally be on my death bed if I reached that. and I know bmi is stupid, BUT if you calculate the BMI for a 5’8 girl( me ) 110 is so much lower than like 40 kg for a 5’0 person

so idk what the point of this really is except don’t get your panties in a twist over someone else’s goals. which should prob go without saying but idk the evidence of how underweight my goals are vs that was kind of reasssuring and I’ve been having a shit brain day ok Ty bye

[furorsopher]

typically the first two strophes are the set up and the last one or two is the conclusio, and also it usually has an alternate rhyme scheme which differ from language to language and sometimes even by dialect.

UNDER THE CUT: SCHEME EXAMPLES AND WRITING TUTORIAL

here are some examples for rhyme schemes (source is poemanalysis.com )

the favourites:

SHAKESPEAREAN:

ABAB CDCD EFEF GG

the first few lines present the set up, the last six or two the solution. the rhyme scheme is usually alternate.

PETRARCHAN:

ABBA ABBA CDCDCD

here the first two strophes always stay the same and the last six can vary.

honorable mentions:

MILTONIC:

ABBA ABBA CDECDE

clear cut between the first eight and the last six but the content separation is the same (aka. it changes form poet to poet)

SPENSERIAN:

ABAB BCBC CDCD EE

combines both shakespearean and petrachan

MODERN OR CONTEMPORARY:

chaos, doesn’t like order, only the 14 verses remain, fuck, just do anything, it doesn’t matter, go wild.

“HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN ATTEMPT TO WRITE THAT??”

i hear you scream?

Well! here’s what i’d do:

pick an emotion, if not love then hate, sadness, anger, frolicking in the fields, whatever the fuck. take your 14 verses and the rhyme scheme of your choice and sit in a dark corner or wherever you’re most artistic idk.

write out a rough draft, filling in your 14 verses with their theme, and then expand. go wild. search for a metric and try to fulfill it and if it doesn’t work, just swallow it whole and try another metric. search for synonyms in a dictionary, don’t forget that artistic liberty is a thing! if it doesn’t fit, try another language for that specific word.

sonnets are shit to write but SATISFYING AS FUCK TO READ. don’t feel discouraged, other poets worked MONTHS if not years on some of those projects, you’re gonna be fine :3 <33

yeah well this concludes that… eh… bye?

how do i write a sonnet?

do i look like a fuckin’ sonnet writer to ya?

[transhoverfish]

What are everyone's "abilities" in Survivors? Ryley has good hearing and Milo glows but what do the others have?

!!! YOU HAVE ASKED ME ABOUT MY AU !!! THE FLOODGATES OF YELLING HAVE OPENED!!

OK SO. as u mentioned ryley has good hearing and milo glows. basically,

ryley = good hearing

milo = glowy boy

emily = electric detection (cooler than i describe rn my vocabulary is small)

danby = like emily's but reverse. controls electromagnetic things

roman = night vision

jochi = the most superpower like one, he got quick regeneration.

avery = telepathy!

bart = also kind of telepathy but more like future telepathy. he has future vision.

and i. never thought of one for ozzy actually and at this point i have no idea what to give them that wouldn't have been brought up prior so. u know genetics are weird! they just dont have anything ig. nobody look at me LABDKABDLABD

AND ALSO paul and marg have powers! paul got that peeper enzyme carrier thing, and marg got the very funny power of feeling others emotions. yes that includes the fish. yes this is one of the primary reasons she didnt kill paul over a decade of dealing w him. yes she hates it.

and the vesper haven't been sick long enough to develop anything! or at least thats what im going with bc i havent thought of anything for them yet 😔

AND NOW: LONGER EXPLANATIONS. IM GONNA GET CARRIED AWAY SO ITS UNDER A READ-MORE.

first off on the list: bart! so bart.. kinda has futuristic visions?? but the things he sees are not set in the stone,, as in if he dreams about smth (a lot like ryley can!) it is possible to change those events! most of these visions/telepathy type stuff were bc of the emperor and warpers, and also al-an! once the sea emp died and the warpers all calmed down his powers kind of go away a bit. i think i wrote al-an sort of mentioning it in one chap of awa?? but its only kind of implied. so he has rlly similar powers to avery except he can't tell what others are thinking and he can only kind of tell how his closest friends r feeling. so right now bart pretty much doesn't have powers! he can communicate w the warpers and sea emps much easier than the others tho (he's the only one that can talk to warpers! im not sure he'd get along w them after being hunted down by them for like 12 years though KABDLSBRLSHD)

avery has telepathy! this is because when he first shows up he jokes about having telepathy and i was like "haha. WAIT." and then he got telepathy! i realize its a bad idea to not come up with their powers until as im writing but uhhh well. i never said i was a fantastic writer who's smart. KANROSHROSBF.

he also kind of had marg's empathy ability but wayyy dialed back. he can only tell how other humans are feeling and he can only vaguely understand it as opposed to feeling the emotions himself like marg does. so he can kind of tell how others are feeling and he can tell what theyre thinking about! unless of course for plot convince he can't. strong emotions, especially strong negative emotions (ie. fear) can overwhelm him and makes his powers stop working. and if someone is convinced they're right then he wont b able to tell they're lying/hiding something! yay plot convenience!!

roman has night vision. i have no way of making this sound cool he just straight up can see really well in the dark. like a cat. most of the powers were based off where they originally landed and what would help them in that area! and roman landed in the sparse reef, which is so dark all the time i cry thinking about it. so he has night vision! his poor eyesight is probably all kinds of fucked up now tho.

jochi has regeneration abilities! now i know this might sound a bit much but he just heals from cuts and stuff faster and like. he bones heal fast. and he's more likely to survive smth that might usually kill someone, but its like a 10% higher chance of living nothing too much. he doesn't rlly get scars as much as the others, and its healed his old ones a bit more! this is by far the most unrealistic power of them all, but ya know its alien fish planet game who cares. basically bc his life support systems failed his spine got all fucked up and he got infected faster bc he was barely alive for the first few days and spent a lot of time w bart who was looking after him. power helped fix his back, but he still has a rlly bad limp and pretty much constant pain. big mood there khasar 😔✊

emily can detect electromagnetic waves! works best underwater. kind of like ryley's, but instead of hearing noises she can only hear anything electric, like vehicles or ampeels or heartbeats. gets all fucked up during thunderstorms though sadly. she's the only other one that can kind of hear warpers and can tell when ones about to warp around but she cant actually talk back to them. pretty sick if u ask me tho.

danby has p similar powers to her bc ampeels also spawn in the bulb zone. except he can sense them at a much smaller distance, cant hear warpers, and can control the waves around him! mostly just his own tho. so like, he can quiet his heartbeat or make it stop all together. scary power that he does not know how to control. uh oh. but he can also control other creatures a bit! he's very good at hiding bc of this, which is nice bc he loves to hide from scary things. very big mood once again.

milo is glowing powers! looks a lot like the transparency of a ghost levi or a crabsquid, although he isn't as see through as them. you can def make out like veins but not bones or organs. his powers are activated by touch, the more force behind will create more glow and more transparency! a poke = goes away within a few seconds, a slap = stays for a minute or so. instead of bruises, he just glows until the bruise would normally go away. he's basically a living glowstick. i have another joke for this but i cannot physically convince myself to type it bc its some shit emily would say to him and i cannot embarrass him like that LABDLABDKABAKD

andd ryley's super hearing! can hear basically everything within a mile radius at all times. im bad at math and i don't know the metric system but i think that's like around 1k meters. wait does the metric system use mile already. no. ONCE AGAIN NEVER SAID I WAS SMART.

OK ANYWAYS back on track! this means he can hear about half of the crater at all times. he's gotten p good at blocking out background noise and anything far away. typically only hears everything within like 300 meters of himself. so when he does get back to just hearing everything its like. u ever take out headphones in a busy place and everything kinda hurts for a few seconds bc its so much noise. yeah like that but 500x worse. he's able to concentrate on specific areas within this 1 mile field but if its far away it fucks him up good for a lil while. sorry ryley :(

and then the other two degasi! as mentioned before, paul can carry enzyme like the peepers, but he also can kind of make some himself! only small amounts and it works a bit less than the peeper enzyme does. he does not have to cough it up though thankfully it just like. idk how to describe this idea it can just kind of leave through his skin?? he has like no control over his power at all it just kind does its own thing and he deals w it. this is primarily how he and marg survive for so long w/o dying to kharra!

and finally marguerit! highly empathetic abilities that allow her to feel the emotions of anything around her! i thought it would be funny as hell to give MARGUERIT of all ppl Big Emotion Disease. this is a big reason why she has had yet to murder paul and why she's a lot less murderer like in the au. its hard to kill someone if you. you know. can feel exactly what they are. probably the reason she adopted Dog Bart/Legally Preston Emotionally Not. saw sad puppy and felt too bad to leave him. like paul, she has basically no control over it and is one of the reasons she does NOT want to go back to the survivors base and be around so many other ppl, she'd be feeling like, 13 ppl's emotions at one time. all these powers have fucked up drawbacks dont they??

once again sam, robin, jeff, maxim, and ozzy are (for now at least) not gonna have any powers! mutations are weird and ozzy just didn't get anything, and the vesper haven't been sick long enough for any yet!

OK THATS ALL. HOLY SHIT SORRY FOR YELLING FOR 15 MINUTES. GOT CARRIED AWAY. hopefully that explains everything tho OABEOABROANRJS OK BYE MY PHONE IS ALMOST DEAD

[crayonflop]

Is it too soon to say that doom at your service is WONDERFUL......it feels cliche but in the best way possible like i think that's the only metric you can say it's "bad"....maybe it's just been a fulfilling romance drought and I'm hyper projecting......idk but first of all boyoung is not a home wrecker she is someone I'D leave my partner for like bye......other than that the mandated hand holding is killing me......sig is the most beautiful man in the universe.....stellar cast like not a single weakest link...like isn't it great to be in love with both of the fl and ml...sig's attention to detail in that scene at the end of 2 where he makes the cut on her hand disappear and lingers ever so slightly on the wound......yes I'm starved for touch yes this drama is gonna be a giant cliche it's all so good I love pain ♥️ ♥️♥️

i see some people don't like it bc it's cheesy or whatever and i'm like that's really sad for you bc that's exactly why i'm having fun like i'm not here for award winning writing and directing i'm here for romantic angst and kissing if that part is good enough i literally don't give a shit about the writing i couldn't find a plot hole if my life depended on it at this point bc i have my seo in guk sexy tunnel vision googles on he knows what i want and he gives it to me every fucking time it's crazy and i'm so glad boyoung didn't let abyss scare her away from this genre my beautiful fantasy romance dedicated queen

[svtskneecaps]

17 questions

Tagged by @dalgonachan​ thank u for the excuse to do literally anything except writing LMAO

Nickname: vic

Zodiac: cancer

Height: uhhh like 5′ 5″ at last check i believe, that’s at least a meter i don’t speak metric

Hogwarts house: hufflepuff

Last thing I googled: something for my geology class, like “climate change feedback loops” or something, but BEFORE that it was “paw patrol fandom name” don’t worry about it

Song stuck in my head: i mean i’m listening to music rn so it can’t really be stuck but when i shut the music off last it was arms by christina perri mixed with woozi’s bye bye my blue cover

Number of followers: classified by order of me, but it’s at least 2

Hours of sleep: uh well i think today i slept from about 3 to 10, so 7

Lucky number: i like to believe it’s 9. or 69. i don’t pay that much attention to numbers. i live on the ninth floor rn tho so hey

Dream job: idk. something i enjoy, hopefully. video game dev?

Currently wearing: BIG BIG BIG fleece shirt, it was my mom’s but i guess she didn’t want it so now it’s MINE and the sleeves go a hand past my hands and it’s GREAT, also these gray sweatpants with rainbows down the sides which is absolutely LIT and a theatre shirt with all the show’s from my senior year of hs which is also lit and yet somehow i’m still cold i hate it here

Fav instruments: viola, that’s the one i know how to play. also the accordion is pretty neat. don’t fuck with accordion players they could probably throw you nine yards. those things are fuckin heavy. piano sounds very pretty but i don’t have the mental coordination to play it unfortunately (the same goes for accordion lmao i have a harmonica too but idk how to play it. i hope to learn someday tho)

Aesthetic: something like a mix between the goblin friend, ridiculously feminine, every white girl ever, and irrevocably gay. at least that’s what i’m going for.

Fav author: laurie halse anderson, the overall tone of her writing was hella influential on my own narrative tone and i love the way she structures her stories and how she doesn’t always use traditional novel formatting to achieve an effect with the narration and it’s kind of incredible i love it (my personal favorite book from her is speak and i highly highly recommend it, however content warning for [[rape]])

i don’t tag people anyway @grassywoozi​ it’s all you babe but do your homework first i’m watching you

[dear-wormwoods]

--> Lies, Lies, Lies - A Playlist for Sonia and Eddie <--

I’ve wanted to make this for a long time, and finally had the emotional energy for it today. This is... the most satisfying thing I’ve ever made. The goal was to craft a sort of rock opera about Sonia and Eddie’s relationship, to chronicle his journey from being in her clutches, realizing the reality of his situation, and then finally overcoming her abusive influence.

Keep reading for some embarrassingly thorough track meta:

1. Birds vs. Worms by Modest Mouse

This is the intro song because of the imagery of birds eating worms, with the birds as predators and the worms as helpless victims. After his arm is broken, Eddie specifically calls his mother’s eyes predatory, like the Leper’s, and then thinks “she’s only eating me because she loves me” in his delirious state. 

2. Rebellion (Lies) by Arcade Fire

The lies adults/parents tell their children so they will behave and follow the rules, for their ‘protection’ or to cover up secrets, only end up being damaging and in the long run cause mistrust and defiance. Also the line about closing your eyes, repeated over and over, can symbolize Eddie’s denial at this point in time, as he actually believes what his mother tells him and refuses to see that it’s all lies.

3. No One Will Ever Love You by The Magnetic Fields

This one is more from Sonia’s point of view, commenting on Eddie’s passivity and kindness, and accusing him of not fulfilling the ‘dream’ (having a family, being a mother) that she ‘paid dearly for’ (by losing Frank). And when things go wrong, she ‘sings’ her lies, but Eddie needs to be there to make her false tears and ‘sad songs’ seem sincere, since he believes her every time. Finally, she assures him that no one will ever love him honestly (the way she does).

4. Mother by Pink Floyd

Horribly self-explanatory... ‘Mother’ is Eddie begging for Sonia’s approval, because his fear has been so well conditioned that he asks her opinion and advice and knows her response will keep him safely inside his comfort zone. She will put all her fears into him and keep him under wing - ‘she won’t let you fly, but she might let you sing’ being particularly depressing... Sonia won’t let Eddie run, she will never let him be free, but she will let him talk about his dreams knowing full well she will never let them become reality. She will literally help build a wall around him, too high for him to escape from later.

On top of all of that, this song also brings love into it - Sonia seeing Richie as not good enough, as dangerous, as a bad influence who can’t love Eddie like she does. She ‘won’t let anyone dirty get through’ and will keep him ‘healthy and clean’ by preventing him from living his truth and pursuing what, or who, makes him happy. 

5. Rabbit Will Run by Iron & Wine

Rabbit Will Run is, like Iron & Wine’s songs always are, full of symbolism and lofty imagery. It’s no The Trapeze Swinger (I’ll go off about that one at a later date), but it’s such a good Eddie song anyway... it has mother imagery, her watching over him, ‘protecting him’. It has running imagery coupled with intense instrumentals, and also the vaguely religious symbolism that fits him so well. Guilt follows him throughout the lyrics, and though he has prayers they do not help, though he wants to run it turns out futile, and though his mother seems to offer comfort, she only makes the guilt worse. By the end of the song, he accepts his guilt and ‘badness’ without ever really identifying what it was he was guilty for or running from.

6. The Wanting Comes In Waves / Repaid by The Decemberists

OKAY THIS IS THE TURNING POINT, the greatest Sonia and Eddie song to ever exist (besides Dear Wormwood). This comes from The Decemberists’ rock opera and is a conversation between The Forest Queen and her ‘son’ William, who she rescued from the human world as a child and kept isolated in the forest. He falls in love and wants to leave her, so she accuses him of being ungrateful and that his ‘repayment’ for all she’s done for him is selfish. Sound familiar?

So in this song, Eddie is finally confronting his mother about giving him more freedom to be himself. He acknowledges that she wants to keep him safe from ‘the world of men’ but his desire to explore remains, and he (stupidly) thinks that her love for him will make her take pity on him. But her response is to accuse him of being ungrateful, of hurting her despite all the labor she’s gone through to protect him and keep him healthy and safe. Like, how dare he repay her by wanting more than the love she gives him?? He begs her to give him the freedom to pursue his desires but promises to return to her, because as his mother she owes him the chance to really live. She gives in, but it’s just another manipulation tactic - she will give him freedom tonight, and she’ll take him back in the morning, but then he’s hers forever. 

(Sidenote: this is the friggin theme song for my Little Mermaid AU I swear!!)

7. Hang Me Up To Dry by Cold War Kids

This song starts out with a sort of reminder of Eddie’s time with the Losers, playing carelessly in the summer and getting dirty but not caring about it. But it quickly devolves into Sonia aggressively sanitizing him of those experiences, wringing him out and hanging him to dry until he’s pure again, perfectly white and innocent the way she wants him. 

Following their conversation in the previous track, Eddie’s not having this shit anymore... he knows exactly what she’s doing, and this song is his challenge to her - telling her that he knows her whole deal and he’s tired of it. At this point in the story, her voice disappears and all that is left is for Eddie to come to terms with this new understanding of their relationship.

8. Wake Up by Arcade Fire

At this point, Eddie is just dealing with the knowledge that his relationship with his mother has been built on lies and manipulation. He feels empty and lost, but in spite of his newfound understanding, he still feels guilty for the way things went down instead of blaming her. But although he’s feeling shitty about it, he’s still coming through the other side stronger, deciding on his own terms to be adaptable and take control of his own life. So this anthem starts out kind of sad, but it builds into a more uplifting tune - Eddie is awake now (throwback to him symbolically keeping his eyes closed in ‘Rebellion’), he sees where he’s going for the first time because no one else is there to decide his path for him, and he’s ready to fuck shit up. 

9. Synthetica by Metric

At this point in the story, Eddie is taking control of his life, and feeling happy with it and stronger than he ever has. He’s throwing out the fabricated, wind-up doll persona that Sonia created for him, and finally finding himself. He realizes that he has an inner strength that no pills or medication could ever silence, because he’s not sick, and he’s stronger than any drug Sonia might push on him. Most importantly, he’s decisively thinking for himself now, and not allowing any more manipulation from her or anyone else. 

10. Dear Wormwood by The Oh Hellos

The grand finale, THE Sonia and Eddie song, which I have listened to five thousand times and have cried about... way too often. I see this song as Eddie’s good-bye letter to his mother. It’s sad, and bittersweet, because he does love her, and he pities her, but he knows he’s better off without her in his life. Mostly, he wants her to know that he sees her for what she is now, and doesn’t forgive her, as much as he might understand her.

In the first verse, he tells her that he knows his fears were created by her, and that she taught him to view his dreams and beliefs as silly and pointless, only because she wanted him to hide away with her. Then, in the second verse, he tells her that he knows she was always there, waiting for him to display any sort of weakness or faulty courage, just so she could say ‘I told you so’ and come to his rescue. He knows now that it was all manipulation, that she taught him passivity not as means of protection, but because she was selfish and self-serving. He sat and dreamed but couldn’t act on his dreams out of fear, which is exactly the kind of person he was never really meant to be.

Finally, he tells her that she’s always in his mind, poisoning his thoughts, but that he understands her. This verse is especially sad, because you can hear the pity in the lyrics - he sees her as sad and pathetic, and is point blank refusing to be a part of her delusions anymore. And here is where the chorus of ‘I know who you are now’ changes to ‘I know who I am now’, because Eddie needs her to know that he has found himself, and that his confidence won’t be shaken by her anymore. He’s aware of all the damage she’s done, and he’s working on overcoming it and becoming the person he wants to be - but in order to do that, he needs to cut her out of his life. 

The closing line, ‘I want to be more than this devil inside of me’, is symbolic of two key features in Eddie’s growth arc. The devil could be Sonia, and the line could be about overcoming her influence alone, and moving beyond her ‘plan’ for him. But this line could also be referring to the consistent theme in the novel of Eddie feeling wrong, or bad, that he’s bound for Hell - and he’s deciding here to let those feelings go. He’s silencing his mother’s voice AND ALSO purging himself of those dirty and wrong feelings, just as he did when he died in Richie’s arms. Though in this story, he doesn’t need to die to realize he’s strong and good on his own, he heals EARLY with both arms intact. 

SOOO yeah THE END.

I sort of want to write a fic to go with this, but the emotional labor that would involve... idk, maybe someday. 

[oldwordz]

i was tagged by @steverogersisbi to post 10 songs i’ve been listening to lately! thanks!!

1. airwar - crystal castles

2. president of what - death cab for cutie

3. drain you - nirvana

4. help i’m alive - metric

5. nobody - mitski

6. jane says - jane’s addiction

7. bye bye blackbird - quasi

8. willipa bay - birddog

9. undertow - alvvays

10.  gimme brains - bratmobile

idk who to tag because i kind of just keep to myself on here out of habit lol but if any mutuals see this and want to do it, feel free and tag me!

[lesbiancharliedalton]

Hey I know we don't actually know each other irl (which is why I'm on anon because it makes me feel less creepy but it might be more creepy idk) but I saw your post about your bad body image issues and I just wanted to say that I think you're super pretty and while that may not mean much I hope it helps. I struggle a metric fuck ton with body image and shaming myself for what I eat like I literally pick up fast food every fucking day it's bad but you're rad and not disgusting at all. Bye now.

Thank you this actually does like mean something. I notice a lot of people with disordered eating issues think they look disgusting but if they see another person who probably has a bad self image they usually think they look fine or good. Like it’s hard to put yourself in the shoes of an outsider idfk if this makes sense BGHGKES but thank you I appreciate it, it’s hard to view myself as others see me and I’m sure that these are some of the same things that you’ve experienced too

[fliipclaw]

session recap 4 - calling caligula

we did another d&d session yesterday and it was. a lot of fun. here’s a list of things that happened and things people said in a roughly chronological order. i’ve already done three of these, i’m sure you guys know the drill by now.

the session opens with reeliel and tarrik in the infirmary

“everything about that is just a paradox. the infirmary of the death arena”

[the game is interrupted by a phone call]

“tarrik, shut up, don’t make it worse!” “i’m already half dead, how much worse could it get?” “you could be fully dead”

this time we’re doing double battles

galle and grelynn are paired up against an ogre

“it’s been so long we’ve forgotten how to play d&d”

“so that’s 9 damage…. he hits you really hard”

“so you rolled a three” “[dejected] yeah” “you just fall over”

“we bonded! by… tripping over ourselves for a turn!”

“there are two more fights, and then hopefully, no more fights!”

galle trips a dude just for fun

“i just wanna be a dick sometimes, ‘kay?”

pluto is teamed up with ilah (an npc based on an oc)

“kill her” “noOO!”

“i already killed her once i can’t kill her again. bany might actually murder me” “i would”

“has his eye been healed?” “no, he’s still blind” “he’s not all of a sudden going to become not blind”

“you stabbed him like FOUR TIMES in the eye”

“it’s just a little bit scratched” “a LITTLE BIT?”

“he needs a bit of tlc, okay?” “he needs a new fucking eye!”

“thoth didn’t look very friendly at first, but look at him now. blind and my best friend”

“is the monster just watching this?” “yeah, it’s last in initiative order and talking is a free action”

[talking about the squirrel that my family has been feeding] bany: we have a possum that lives in the bushes outside

ilah and pluto are the worst duo in that they will maim creatures and then befriend them

“maybe pluto just makes everyone blind by default?” “maybe that’s why pluto’s so terrible as a rogue but manages to steal from everyone anyway”

bany sighs a lot during this scene it’s great

i admit to my shameless rigging of the game when my players are doing terribly

pluto: decides to befriend the monster / the party: do you want to use up your second friend slot??

“what is the creature doing right now?” “it’s probably bleeding” “but how’s it feeling?” “it’s feeling pretty bad”

ilah: befriends the creature / matt: we’re playing d&d with the fucking rspca

“this is the death arena, not the befriend the creatures that attack you arena” “it’s actually a petting zoo”

“what kind of monster are they fighting?” “it’s called an ettercap. it looks like…… i don’t even know how to describe it”

“that’s the plot of lord of the flies, pluto befriends an ettercap”

tarrik and reeliel, our resident failures, are paired up against a gargoyle

my rolls are always really terrible. it’s the d&d gods punishing me for not using physical dice.

reeliel runs up to tarrik, jumps up on and off his shoulders, and up into the air

she unfortunately misses her attack

reeliel casts thunderwave. tarrik is understandably pissed.

“hey matt, what’s your constitution like?” “not negative” “go ahead and roll then!”

there are a lot of pauses where i stop to do maths. i’m the epitome of that ‘when you’re gay and can’t calculate the tip’ video.

“you two actually did something competent for once!” “the two weakest members of the team!"

“as it turns out, everyone else was just holding us two back. that’s what it is” “are you sure?”

mikael poofs around this time. rip them.

the immediate response to being taken outside the arena is of course “making our way downtown"

bany: this sounds like a public execution / me: carries on explaining the scene

“notice how they ignored the question"

i discovered that i can’t talk and type at the same time

neriona: is there / tarrik: is flipping her off with both hands

“matt matt matt matt matt matthew. shut up”

there is an elf reclining on a chaise lounge eating grapes. tarrik drinks his wine.

“the bulla felix, come in, come in!” “oh fuck”

ilah and galle: sit down normally

tarrik: lies down and hogs an entire seat

reeliel: sits like L

cai: poofs / me: should we just carry on? / matt: i’m liking this shouting idea / bany: oh god

[the game is interrupted by a toddler]

“jax, don’t do that with your eye!”

“greetings, i am the emperor of this fine city, petpetor!” “what? your name is what?” “petpetor!” “petpetu?” “petpetor!”

[toddler noises] “cai, are you murdering a child?” “it sounds more like the child is murdering cai”

matt made a child cry in church one time just by looking at them

“go find auntie billie! take this!” “it’s not safe to go alone, take this!”

[the game is once again interrupted by a toddler]

“if that was me there would be children flying from the rooftop” “and that’s why it isn’t you”

are you stronger than a 2 year old? for cai, the answer is no!

“cai, are you made of noodles or something?” “yes”

god i’m just now listening to this character voice and it’s awful

petpetor asks them to investigate an assassination plot and find his would-be assassin

tarrik tries to wind him up and reeliel throws something at him from across the room

“i am prepared to stab this guy in the back just so you know”

“what’s in it for us?” “freedom from the death arena” “yeah okay we’ll do it”

“i want immunity for the rest of my squad" “if you stop robbing my friends, than yes” “can we rob your enemies?"

“he takes like the bowl of grapes off the table and shoves them in his mouth”

galle: idk who you people are but i’m good with not being trapped in a death arena

tarrik’s metric for liking people: the quality of their wine

the party has a private discussion and decides to investigate and then stab petpetor in the back

“regardless of whether or not neriona is actually the one behind this assassination, i say we frame her"

“do we have anyone who’s alignment is good on this team?"

“i think we will give tarrik free reign to rob the palace as long as we can also rob the palace”

“so far his suspect list is like half of the entire city”

everyone complimenting the write ups and i’m sorry this one is mostly quotes. not much action happened but we did have a lot of fun conversations.

“after the endgame, after we kill not caligula, what’s going to happen?” “don’t you worry about that”

“am i on reasonable terms with the party now?” “you’re getting there with me” “welllll…." “tarrik shut up, we don’t need anymore foes”

“i have 300 buried and 50 in a pair of dark pants on the edge of a road”

“bye!” “i’m glad we’re sorta friends now!” “well, kinda, not really"

[tsekooh]

bet yall want yet ANOTHER post with 150 things about yours truly!!! buckle up!!!!!!!

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

hghgkjhjsjkhkjsdghjkgs

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

shy!!! but i can be really outgoing i think? if i have One thing i want to work towards i will do it (college doesnt count shhshhshs)

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

MEG!!! HOLY SHIT I CANT WAIT TO SEE HER

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i.. hope so!! i dont hate anyone 

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

she’d do her best for being in australia

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

do i.......have a type?

all my friends are gay 

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

OF COURSE

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

i only have like 2 o/g friends so i thought abt jace right away

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

only if serious/about real ppl or me

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

meg LOL

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“SARCASM IS KEY i would know im the sarcasm queen”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

eeeehhh

-shelter / porter robinson

-honey / magic man

-find a way  / safetysuit

-collect call / metric

-wildfire / marianas trench

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

ABSOLUTELY

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

YES BC I HAVE ONE RIGHT HERE (picks up meg)

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i saw rina!!!! i love them ;; 

and i met meg after that!!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

no

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

yes

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

LMAO NO i thought i was straight 

but if we’re talking abt an actual crush then ... rarely?

19. Do you like bubble baths?

yes!!

20. Do you like your neighbors?

dont know them

21. What are you bad habits?

nail biting

22. Where would you like to travel?

australia...

japan w meg ccoUGH

23. Do you have trust issues?

EHHHHHHHH only w ppl i have a reason not to trust?

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

saying good morning to meg

playing games!! drawing!! talking 2 people

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

stomach

26. What do you do when you wake up?

-turn alarm off and brightness down bc its 11pm and fucking blinds me

-skim notifications to make a mental note of who i need 2 reply 2

-unlock phone and say good morning to meg

-shower / eat

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

my skin tone is so awkward....its hard 2 say cause anything doesnt match my hair

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

meg/jace/toby/ren

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

i dont have like...........any real exes LOL

30. Do you ever want to get married?

LMAO I CANT IMAGINE IT only bc if i introduced my wife 2 someone i would literally say “this is my girlfriend- i mean wife”

idc abt marriage like id be down but its not like........Essential 2 a rs

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yep

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

sasuke

33. Spell your name with your chin.

im too lazy to move my head

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

im exercise my stress level in splatoon

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yep

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

nothingsfhdsghjk

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

shes cute and plays video games with me and she loves me and never lets me forget that also her name is meg

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

i love. target. 

40. What do you want to do after high school?

LMAO so ive been out of school for a year so... i did want to go to college bt my mom wont let me so im just gonna move countries

Bye Bich

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

yes..........at least if the harm was done to me.....

unless ur my mom/step dad/dad

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im dissociating/have nothing 2 say

43. Do you smile at strangers?

i try not to look at ppl 

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

OCEAN

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

meg

46. What are you paranoid about?

(:

47. Have you ever been high?

barely secondhand

48. Have you ever been drunk?

L O L

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

i have no secrets

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

green

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

sometimes but then i think i might be straight and im happy w who i am

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

my disgusting social skills

53. Favourite makeup brand?

eyeliner idc abt brand

54. Favourite store?

amiami .. or target

55. Favourite blog?

softsuke is like my fave mutual theyre p chill 

56. Favourite colour?

PINK

57. Favourite food?

SPAGHETTI or chicken

58. Last thing you ate?

...spaghetti

59. First thing you ate this morning?

.........spaghetti

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

i never win

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nope tho im surprised

62. Been arrested? For what?

nope!

63. Ever been in love?

yeah... (looks @ meg) (coughs)

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

idr i think it was spin the bottle and i kissed 2 people and i was like 16?

anyway that was my first and last HGJKSGHDUIFJAL

65. Are you hungry right now?

nah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

all my friends r my real friends

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

both

69. Are you watching tv right now?

nope

70. Names of your bestfriends?

meg / jace / laura / ren / toby / rina 

71. Craving something? What?

2 be w meg gggghhj

72. What colour are your towels?

orange! 

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

2/3 maybe 4

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yea

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

AT LEAST 40

75. Favourite animal?

HYENA

76. What colour is your underwear?

pink

dont say anything

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

.........vanilla

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

green jacket

80. What colour pants?

pink plaid pj pants (so rn i look like a fucking disaster)

81. Favourite tv show?

NARUTO

82. Favourite movie?

mmmm... the road to eldorado!

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

never watched 21js

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

i lov the goth girl and the gay guy i forget names

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

dory

87. First person you talked to today?

meg

88. Last person you talked to today?

meg

89. Name a person you hate?

mom

90. Name a person you love?

meg

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

mom

92. In a fight with someone?

nope

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

idk LOL

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

A LOT

95. Last movie you watched?

UHH.. digimon movie i think?

96. Favourite actress?

emma watson is sooooooooooooooooooooo pretty

97. Favourite actor?

idk (spins a wheel) chris pratt

98. Do you tan a lot?

never

99. Have any pets?

my gma has a bunch of cats

100. How are you feeling?

TIRED I REGRET DOING THIS

101. Do you type fast?

NOT FAST ENOUGH

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

LOL YEAH

103. Can you spell well?

most of the time

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

:3

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

i burned a wacom tablet once

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

i hope not

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yes

108. What should you be doing?

uhhh... nothing that i know of

109. Is something irritating you right now?

nope

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

haaehuhsghsu

111. Do you have trust issues?

I ALREADY ANSWERED THIS

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

grandma/sister one of the two

.......DAMN THAT WAS RLY LONG AGO 

113. What was your childhood nickname?

no

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

SPLATOON BABY

116. Are you listening to music right now?

im listening to shiny rn.......from moana......(quiet cough)

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

eh

118. Do you like Chinese food?

ehh

119. Favourite book?

my name is riley, im 19, and i dont know how to fucking read

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

not if i know where i am

121. Are you mean?

i hope not

122. Is cheating ever okay?

stop

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

NO

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

shrugs

125. Do you believe in true love?

YES

126. Are you currently bored?

lil bit

127. What makes you happy?

meg and all my friends i love u all

and games

128. Would you change your name?

legally, yes,

im working on that

129. What your zodiac sign?

capricorn

130. Do you like subway?

not rly but sometimes i crave it for some stupid reason

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

THIS WOULDNT HAPPEN 

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

ALREADY ANSWERED THIS

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

my brain cannot process this question right now

134. Can you count to one million?

no

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

fk if i know

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

CLOSED

137. How tall are you?

5′4′’

138. Curly or Straight hair?

straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

winter

141. Night or Day?

night

142. Favourite month?

december

143. Are you a vegetarian?

semi

the only meat i eat is poultry

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

coffee

146. Was today a good day?

so far!! yea

147. Mars or Snickers?

neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?

dont look back youre not going that way

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

lil bit

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

NO FK THAT IM DONE BYE