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eunoiaflow3r · 4 years ago

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hard 2 face reality // spencer reid x fem!reader

spencer reid x reader

aaron hotchner x reader

part one - part three

a/n: a lot of people asked for part 2 to “not ur friend.” omg i didn’t expect it to blow up like it did. sorry this isnt the fluff conclusion you guys wanted...but i’m willing to make this a series maybe? idk it’s up to you guys. thank you for your feedback and support. (see notes at end)

also i tagged all the people who commented on part one.

warning(s): language. angst. not proofread. will be mistakes.

word count: 2.9k wow.

request(ed): yes. very requested. thank you @yeah-just-ignore-me-thanks for this idea.

summary: after hearing something she shouldn’t have, she has to deal with explanations and tough decisions.

hard 2 face reality by poo bear ft. justin beiber and jay electronics.

—————————————&————————————

sometimes it’s hard to face reality...even though you might get mad at me.

It’s ironic sometimes.

The twists and turns of life and the paths it puts you down. Sometimes you believed in fate but right now it only felt like a pain in the ass. Whoever was controlling your strings you hoped they would just give you a break, but no. There was always something more.

Last night, you had a dream. There was a memory within the dream. You and Spencer were cuddling on the couch watching a movie and his fingers were combing through your hair. From where you were, it was more like you were witnessing it instead of actually living it. You were just watching yourself fall harder for the man behind you. You were content. Happy even. You forgot all about your issues and problems and conflicts. You forgot about what Spencer said and the things he had done. You just forgot.

You watched as he took his fingers out of your hair and pushed you away. The you that you were watching was confused and so were you. Why would he do that? What was wrong with him? This wasn’t the memory.

Dream Spencer got up, put his shoes on, grabbed his bag, and was halfway out the door. Before he left completely he said, “We’re just friends. You’re not enough for me. You never will be.”

Dream you just sat there and stared blankly.

Your eyes opened and you stared up at your ceiling in sorrow. The tears just kept coming and you tried to keep yourself quiet but it was so hard, and you were so tired. You hated to admit it but you were in love with him. You were in love with a man who didn’t feel the same way. A man who did nothing but play you and pretend you were nothing. A man who lied.

How did this happen?

How did you end up in a position where you were in a cold bed crying about a man who was unphased? Someone who didn’t find anything wrong with their actions? How could you love someone who would never find the way to love you back and treat you right no matter how hard you wished? No matter how hard you hoped?

How could you do this to yourself?

And to think - in a few hours you’d have to wake up and see him again. After everything you realized and have come to terms with you’d have to see the man who was responsible for the ache in your heart.

————————————&———————————

When Spencer woke up the first thing he thought about was work. How he didn’t really want to go but he knows he has to. He thought about how heart wrenching the case he’s been on for the last week has been. He thought about how today he might actually be able to solve it...and then he thought about you.

He’d be seeing you.

Hotch invited you to help with the case. He figured your skill set would be exactly what they needed to solve it.

And yeah, you there definitely was for the better of the case but was it for the better of him?

He had no idea what to do. You were mad at him. You weren’t answering his phone calls or his texts and he figured out that you heard the conversation and he gets that maybe calling you a grandmother was wrong, but really what did he do?

He knew he missed you. He missed being able to rant to you, and you consoling him. He missed the movie days you guys had...but he could watch them on his own...right? He could figure out his own problems...he didn’t need anyone to help him. Especially not you. Not someone getting upset about the smallest of things.

That was so rude of you. Why would you ignore him? Why wouldn’t you reply to his texts are calls?

He thought that that was pretty selfish of you.

And yeah sure, maybe calling you clingy was a lie but was that really something to ignore him over? To throw it all away for?

Should've been adjusted to my life, had the opportunity to stay away for the last time...now you’re standin’ right in front of me. It hurts me to know that I lied. Tryna protect your feelings... you read in between the lines Hope your heart has started healing

You arrived.

He saw you, bag over your shoulder, going straight towards Hotch’s office and ignoring him.

Not even a hello? Not a good morning? You hadn’t even looked at Emily or Morgan either. What had they done? What had he done?

From what he could tell you had been crying, but you covered it well. If it was anyone but him they wouldn’t have been able to tell but he could. Did you miss him too? Were you hurting?

———————————-&————————————

“Is something going on between you and Reid?”

Hotch was looking at you expecting an answer but you didn’t know what to tell him. According to Reid nothing had ever been going on.

“No. I’m really just trying to focus here.”

Hotch nodded. “Good.”

Truth is, it was very hard to ignore Spencer. He seemed so oblivious that it made you feel sorry for him. But you couldn’t. You wouldn’t feel sorry for him. He wasn’t the one crying his eyes out at night and cussing out rom coms when they came on the television.

And you could tell he didn’t feel the same. He didn’t look how you felt. He looked conflicted, but he didn’t look sorry or hurt. His normalcy pained you. Had you really meant that little? Maybe you were over exaggerating things. No. You deserved an explanation - but you weren’t ready to hear it.

A while ago...

“Okay Y/N cover your eyes!”

You giggled. “No, Spencer why?”

“Just do it! I promise you’ll like it.”

You were sat criss crossed on the couch and Spencer was behind you with something in his hands. Before you could look at it he told you to close your eyes and he hid it behind his back. You smiled and closed your eyes waiting for whatever the surprise was.

You felt his fingers move your hair out of the way and you felt a coolness along your neck.

A necklace.

“Okay open.”

You could feel him grinning. You opened your eyes and looked down at your chest. You nearly gasped. On the end of the necklace was a miniature glass sculpture. When you met at the museum you told him that they were your favorite.

He remembered.

You held it in your hand and turned around to kiss him. He was a bit surprised but held your face in his hands and kissed you back.

“L/N!” You were snapped out of your head. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Sorry.”

The necklace. You can’t believe you were still wearing it. It felt like the only thing holding you together which was strange since glass was so fragile. The metal necklace part felt like it was burning you. The happy memory burned you. You took the necklace from under your sweater and ripped it off your neck. You couldn’t wear it anymore. It hurt you, but you couldn’t hold on.

Reality is kinda hard to face, like actual facts is for flat-earthers. Rains a requirement for flowers to grow, and pains a requirement for power to grow. It’s a miracle how one can change, from one what was just hours ago.

When you got home that day you were happy and running on adrenaline. Yeah, you had to see Spencer...but you helped solve a case. You helped save someone. It was tiring, and gruesome just like what Spencer said but the feeling you get after helping someone? Unexplainable.

After changing out of your work clothes and into some jeans and a shirt, you’d thought you’d treat yourself to dinner. Maybe that would help you forget. Forget and move on. Besides, it was a nice little diner and you used to be a regular. You had wanted to bring Spencer but he never wanted to go. He never wanted to go out.

His loss.

When you got there the familiar scent of vanilla and cinnamon wafted through. You had missed this. When everything was so simple and uncomplicated. When you could be you. Not wondering if today was the day Spencer would decide to come over or not. Or to even call. You could finally breathe. You weren’t in your stuffy apartment. You weren’t in a Spence filled work place. You were where you considered home in a city away from it.

“Y/N, hey!” Em the waitress called you over. You would consider her a friend. You two had always talked when you came through.

“Hey!” She went in for a hug and you hugged her back.

“Where have you been?”

You sighed. “Busy.”

She nodded. She understood. From there she asked you where you wanted to sit. You were just going to request the counter since you were alone, but when a little boy came up to you yelling your name, and wrapped his arms around you...you didn’t have the time to answer. It was little Jack.

“Hey buddy!” You hugged him back.

You looked around for Hotch. What a coincidence. He smiled and waved you over. You and Jack walked over to the booth and Hotch stood and hugged you. “I’m so sorry about Jack.”

“Oh no, it’s fine!”

About two years ago Hotch hired you to babysit Jack every once in a while. You needed the money. You were making enough from the paintings you sold but you needed more to finish college and save up. You weren’t going to some big expensive college or anything but still.

A little while later you met Spencer and it just became and inside joke.

“Would you like to eat with us?” Hotch asked.

“I don’t want to intrude Hotch...”

“Aaron.” He corrected while smiling. “Please, join us.”

And you did. You ate dinner with Aaron and Jack and you were having fun. This past month you had been moping around feeling sorry for yourself but you were actually happy. There was still that pain in your chest, and a part of you that longed to call Spencer and talk to him - but you wouldn’t. You couldn’t.

After dinner Em invited you to go clubbing with her on Saturday. At first you were going to turn her down but you thought...why not? You didn’t have to stay up waiting for Spencer to call anymore. You didn’t have to cook or plan to order in in case Spencer decided to stop by. You didn’t have any plans.

“Sure Em, I’ll be there.”

“Great.”

She walked behind the counter and looked from you to Hotch. Like a suggestive look. Like a “ask him too!” look. And you weren’t ready for anything, and wasn’t even sure if you liked Aaron that way, and you still were in a gray area with Spencer...but you thought it’d be rude not to ask.

“Aaron...”

He nodded, urging you to go on.

“Do you want to go with me Saturday? I mean...I don’t really want to be alone..Em has a girlfriend and it might be fun.”

He laughs and scratches the back of his neck. “Yes Y/N I’ll go.”

When you got home and ready for bed you had this weight in your stomach. There was a lump in your throat, and your fingers tensed. You thought about Hotch and it made you feel like you were cheating on Spencer. But you weren’t. You and Spencer weren’t together. There was no need to feel guilty.

He didn’t.

———————————-&————————————

That Saturday came soon enough and you weren’t sure if you were ready. Physically yeah, you showered and got ready...but emotionally? Mentally? Was this a date? Had you asked Aaron out? Were you ready for that? Had you moved on from Spencer? No, of course not. But Aaron wasn’t a distraction either. You could never do that to him no matter how bad you felt. Never.

Your doorbell rang and when you opened it you were surprised to see Hotch...not in a suit. It fit him and you could admit it...he looked...really good.

“You clean up nice.” You said laughing a bit to yourself.

He looked you up and down. “So do you.”

He looked a bit taken aback and you could see he was a bit flushed and that made you a bit happy. You liked giving people that kind of reaction. It gave you just a bit of confidence you needed. Especially tonight, where you’d try not to think about Spencer.

When you got there you were glad it wasn’t too busy. The music wasn’t that loud either and you were glad because then you got to dance without immediately getting a headache. Your first dance was with Hotch but then he saw one of his friends from college (he’s a lawyer now) and then started talking to him. You didn’t mind. You actually kind of liked being alone. It gave you you time to think. But not about Spencer.

No. Not tonight you wouldn’t.

You wasted too many tears on him to be thinking of him while you were supposed to be having fun. He didn’t deserve your thoughts. He didn’t deserve your tears. He didn’t deserve movie nights, or cuddles, or sex, or kisses, or waiting, he didn’t deserve -

Spencer.

Spencer Reid.

You thought you were dreaming, but you weren’t. He was just a little bit away from you with JJ on his arm. “Just coworkers.” You wanted to say it didn’t hurt you, you did, but your heart broke. In a million little pieces. Had he not want to get serious with you because he was in love with her. It makes sense, everything about that makes sense but it didn’t hurt any less. It didn’t make the tears in your eyes stop, it didn’t make the ache in your chest dim but at least it made sense.

Know it hurts to see the truth in your face, circumstances bring you down to your knees. Go on and cry an ocean, but don’t drown in it. Enough to put your heart at ease. Oh don’t lose your self esteem. I apologize for being a man. It’s way harder than what it seems.

You grabbed your bag from Hotch and told him you needed to go outside for a minute. He asked you if you wanted him to go with you but you needed to be alone. You wanted to be by yourself to fight these tears. You couldn’t cry in front of him.

He gave you his coat which was much too big but still appreciated.

Once you were outside you took your phone out to check your face. Your nose was red but the few tears hadn’t ruined anything. You were fine. You were going to be okay. Everything was alright.

Until it wasn’t .

“Y/N?”

Fucking Spencer.

You turned around to see Spencer Reid walking towards you with a confused look on his face.

“Hey.” he said. Hey? Hey?? What the hell were you supposed to say to that? Hey?

He cleared his throat. “Things are weird, right?”

“Weird?” you scoffed.

“Y/N, it’s been a month! I don’t understand what I did! You just stopped talking to me even after I tried to apologize! What more can I do?”

He stopped for a second, “Is that Hotch’s jacket?” He stepped forward to take a look at it but you flinched away. “Don’t tell me that’s Hotch’s -“

“You were hiding me Spencer. You said the equivalent to hanging out with me was of visiting a grandmother. You never wanted to hang out unless it was on your terms and you called me clingy and suffocating when I NEVER asked you for more. I NEVER went out of my way to ask you for anything and you treat me like this? Like I’m replaceable? After everything we’ve been through? After all we’ve talked about and experienced? What’s your excuse for that Spencer? What could you possibly have to say that would explain that?”

He opened his mouth and closed it again.

“If I were to have called you and said ‘Yup, everything is fine Spence we can go back to normal.’ It would have gone back to normal! YOUR normal! A normal where I’m hidden like a side chick but you get to be in public with JJ on your arm! Fucking JJ! And yeah, we never put a label on it but YOU made it clear that we weren’t to fuck other people. That was YOUR decision! She was the girl you said I didn’t have to worry about and here we are.”

Spencer was silent. He looked to the floor, and said nothing. His fingers ran through his disheveled hair and his lip was quivering.

“So this is because of JJ?” he asked.

“Fuck you.”

————————————&———————————

He watched as you walked into the club and back out again with Hotch. Before you went in his car though you walked over to Spencer and put the necklace into his hand. Silently you walked over to Hotch and got in the passenger seat.

Spencer didn’t know what to do.

This was your necklace. He gave it to you. It was yours to keep. Yours to wear, cherish, and hold. Why would you give it back? It was supposed to make you happy and help you remember him. Instead it was in his hands unworn but the girl he had hurt. What was he supposed to do?

JJ found him outside but he said nothing to her the whole ride when he took her home. He was thinking about you. He was thinking about what you said. You were right.

When he got home he looked at the box of things you gave him. There were polaroid pictures of the two of you and he started shaking as he cried. What had he done? How could he have been so selfish?

You were right.

Truth was he did like JJ, and he had been hiding you. He had been treating you unfairly. He had been a jerk and he had done every single thing you said he did.

He was all of the names you were calling him in your head.

Every single one.

He held the glass sculpture necklace in his hands and could feel his tears running down his face falling on it.

Even though he fucked up, and had something weird with JJ, he realized...he was in love with you.

Sometimes it's hard to face reality.

—————————————-&————————————-

literally wtf is this. what in the love triangles - anyway. ik you guys wanted fluff so...part 3? idk. should reader have a thing with hotch? should she choose hotch or reid?

feedback always appreciated. it pushed me to write this.

taglist: @hotchsbabygirl @pinkdiamond1016 @thefemalestorywriter @sizzlingclamturtlesludge @samyilf123

comment tag list: @peculiarinsomniac @mgg-theprettiestboy @187-reid @realalpacorn @wooya1224 @minami97 @studywithrosie01 @yeah-just-ignore-me-thanks @meowiemari @thedaughterofhotchniss @reniescarlett @lovelyspencerreid @ashwarren32 @fantastic-fans @unabashedlyswimmingtimemachine @psych0crybaby @drreidsconverse @castbyfox

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werenotacoupleyesyouare · 5 years ago

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So I was meaning to post updates for my Farseer Trilogy liveblogging because y’all seemed to really like the last one but one thing lead to another and I finished the book before I could even pick up my phone. SO- here are my thoughts at the end of book 1! (Contains spoilers)

- I’ll try to go chronologically so bear w me

- Look I love chade okay? He’s funny and mysterious but how on EARTH does the whole court think it a good idea to have a child deal with their political issues eye-

- like “oh, boggers! We have found a breach in our enemy’s defence after a war of interests that has lasted decades! Now we only need to gruesomely murder this well known politician, but whoever could be up to the task? Ah yes, this eleven year old warrior cats enthusiast will do”

- Yes I will refer to the Wit only as being a warrior cats stannie bc y’all know that if he was in the real world Fitz would have absolutely lost his mind over that saga. No I will not be accepting criticism.

- I LOVED CHADE’S RICHSONA lady time was funky

- every chapter I read I grow more worried about Fitz’s self preservation skills. He wakes up for the second time during the night, he is told to immediately go check on the royal he is serving because she’s sick, only to find out she’s just Chade in a ballgown, who tells him “there’s no time to explain, now follow me to check out this very dangerous hostage situation 2 days of travel from here” and he’s just like “ok sure” BABY!! NO??

- Forging is gonna throwin a nice angst trope eventually, I’m here for it

- my wlw heart is torn between Molly and Lady Patience... good thing I have two hands!

- Fitz please,,,,, Chade asks him “wait, does the Fool talk to you??” And Fitz is like “oh yeah :) I like when he hangs with me! He barges in, insults me and then tells me my clothes are ugly :)” BABY THAT’S CALLED BULLYING

- okay I know y’all have been waiting for this one so here it comes: FOOL RANT! I don’t know who this funky mean child is but I would do ANYTHING to keep him safe and happy. (And this time I’m not worried he’s gonna die bc there are like another 3 trilogies w his name on the title, so at least I don’t have to worry for a while) he speaks in riddles!!! I love that!! Also he tries to keep Fitz safe so we like him (more to come abt the fool, I ain’t done yet)

- MOLLY AND FITZ ARE SO FUCKING FUNNY SOMEHOW THEY BOTH MANAGED TO BE THE USELESS LESBIAN STEREOTYPE WHEN IT COMES TO FLIRTING I WAS LOOSING MY MIND LAUGHING

- like “Molly!! You deserve to be with someone who wouldn’t treat you like a piece of jewelry! You’re smart, brave and talented, not to mention beautiful, you need someone who could understand you!!” “Oh really?? Like who?” “Oh idk lol” KIDS I-

- also idk who this Jade is but I have a feeling he’s like a relative of Molly and Fitz is just being dramatic

- as you may know I’m listening to the audiobook, and I misheard Pocked Man as Pot Man, which lead to this very funny exchange:

Fitz: are you really... the Pot Man? 🥺

Chade 420-blaze-it Fallstar: not the one you’re thinking of

- I love how almost all of the characters are stoners, I feel like it’s something all fantasy sagas should consider implementing lol

- GUYS! are Lady Patience and Lacey,,, you know,,, 👀

- Lacey 🤝 Burrich: in love with one part of the royal couple while being their man/woman

- OKAY NOW BURRICH. I LOVE THIS MAN GUYS. HE IS A DECENT DAD AND HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT FITZ IT MAKES MY HEART SWELL. But MAN what bitch with the Wit hurt him like damn

- aside point, Burrich has the Wit right? He was made to feel ashamed about it but he’s another warrior cats enthusiast

- also probs not intended but the Wit especially now feels like a metaphor and my queer ass was PROJECTING I was HURT when Burrich didn’t accept Fitz bc of it

- GALEN FARSEER? STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING GALEN FARSEER GODDAMN FOOL SKILL TEACHING CHILD ABUSING RAT OLD BASTARD SHITHEAD IDIOT BASTARD SON OF SHREWD. BIGGEST CLOWN IN THE CIRCUS LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN COWBOY MOTHERFUCKING GALEN FARSEER-

- okay no really this man is an absolute asshole how can he abuse those kids like that? Fitz almost killed himself damn like imagine being 60-smth and feeling threatened by a fucking 11 year old like get a life bastard boy

- also about that part I loved the Fitz Protection Squad™️

Fitz, at his worst, contemplating s*icide, convinced he isn’t worth shit:

Smithy, The Fool and Burrich: okay! It’s time for murder.

And they did! Well almost but verity finished the job anyway

- how sweet is the fool actually tho?? On the outside he is a bit mean, but then his room is covered in flowers, handmade dolls and swirls of colors. He avoids everyone, lives in the most remote part of the castle but as soon as he makes one friend he absolutely melts and tries his best to protect him. He acts so smug and uncaring but then gets scared when his friend avoids him, and starts going on about how he Doesn’t Actually Care About Him, The Court Just Needs Him, like sure baby. All I’m saying is please protect this kid he deserves the world.

- Verity is my only king, his wife is a kickass cool lady and I can already tell they’re gonna Fuck Shit Up together and I love it.

- yes that whole arc??? Incredible. I kept yelling at Fitz because GODDAMNIT but he did his best, he is only 14 after all (HOW DO THEY THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE HIM SUCH RESPONSIBILITIES AAAAA)

- lol tho I loved how the Fool was like “yeah so Fitz maybe don’t eat everything they give you ‘cause I’m pretty sure they want to poison you” and then Kettricken is like “hey do you want to try these weird leaves I got from my sketchy garden?” and Fitz is like “oh boy would I”

- earring! Chivalry’s earring! We like that

- Yay so Nosy was alive! Cool again I don’t usually get emotional over dogs jfhdhufjdj I’m sorry I’m a disgrace (I’m confident this will change but for now eh)

- something that will positively destroy me is when Burrich will die eventually (and I know it happens cuz my dad SPOILED it for me) I don’t think I’ll be able to stand that

-okay so yes in general this book has completely made me fall in love and I’m definetly in for the whole saga lol. I was thinking of reading the three Fitz trilogies first and then go back and read the dragons and the other one

- I’ll probably make 2+ posts like this every book, so you can find them on the “#greta reads” in my acc :) anyways tagging a few people who enjoyed the last one @wellamarke @violetiris-ak @wolfofmars thank youuu

#Farseer trilogy #assassin’s apprentice #greta reads #fitzchivalry farseer #Fitz farseer #realm of the elderlings #the farseer trilogy #royal assassin #RotE #Robin Hobb

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limerental · 5 years ago

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limerental’s witcher fic masterlist

all of this can be found on my ao3 of the same name but is sometimes nice to have a list on tumblr as well I suppose

yennskier & ot3 fic

the poet’s wish - yennefer/jaskier - 100k, canon divergent, slow burn enemies to lovers mutual pining

The one where Jaskier has a near-death experience, makes a wish, and inexplicably has a lot of amazing but ill-advised sex in a crumbling manor house with a sexy but insane sorceress. And then, keeps on having it. It's almost as if the universe is drawing them ceaselessly back together or something. Which would all be very romantic if not for the fact that they viscerally hate one another. Until, of course, they don't.

lilacs and dandelions - jaskier/yennefer(/geralt), 46.8k, canon divergent, explicit

Geralt seeks out Yennefer only to find her, of all unbelievable and ridiculous things, shacking up with his bard.

other things i’ll never be - geralt/jaskier/yennefer, 23.9k, modern au, everyone is trans,

Yennefer renamed herself when she was fourteen.

Jaskier re-learned his own name and built himself from the ground up and then again and all over again.

Geralt denies and denies and denies.

how long we were fool’d - jaskier/yennefer, aromantic geralt, platonic found family, suburban neighbors au, 9.8k

Yennefer and Jaskier are the eclectic, married couple who have just moved in to an ordinary suburban neighborhood next door to hot, single dad Geralt and his young daughter, Ciri.

Geralt has no idea what to make of them. None at all.

i been in the valley - geralt/yennefer/jaskier, 9.5k, polyamorous triad equestrian au, explicit

Jaskier is the reckless sort of brave that thinks nothing of wearing white breeches on an impromptu trail ride, and Yennefer has clawed her way up from nothing to an esteemed training position at a sprawling equestrian complex. When a mysterious, decidedly attractive stranger with a knack for horsemanship and an unknown backstory arrives one day at the barn, neither is the type to just sit back and let the other seduce him. Competition is what they know best, and Geralt is first prize.

Or the equestrian witcher AU literally no one asked for but that we all deserve.

(don’t) poke the sleeping dragon - geralt/jaskier/yennefer, 7.5k yen drives a wizard van au, pwp/explicit, warnings for drug use & mildly dubious consent

A retelling of Bottled Appetites but everyone is really high at a nerdy music festival and Yennefer has a wizard van for no discernible reason and also Geralt gets pegged.

twas nothing at all - geralt/yennefer/jaskier, 6.1k, pwp/explicit

There once was a succubus, ugly and crass who cast a dark spell on one fine lad and lass But Geralt of Rivia, who saw them enthralled took a cock up his arse like twas nothing at all

lay these things bare - yennefer/jaskier - 4.5k

Jaskier comes to Yennefer to solve a pressing issue.

Yennefer can't help herself from having a bit of fun. Until it's not really all that fun anymore.

Aka Jaskier goes bald and Yen has a crisis and it's somehow very very tender idk

over the edge - jaskier/yennefer, 4.2k, pwp/explicit

Returning from an errand, Yennefer catches Jaskier fucking the innkeeper's wife in her bed. Of course, the only logical thing to do is to join them. It is her bed, after all.

said you’d never smile again - yennefer/jaskier, 2.2k

“If you should ever witness that smile turned your way,” Istredd says, cross-eyed with drunkenness, pointing a sharp finger into Jaskier’s chest. “You will feel like the luckiest man alive. I promise you this. You will be half-ruined for any other. You will wish you could inspire that smile a dozen times over and then some. That she would look at you like that until the end of your days.”

And Jaskier doesn't really get what he means. Until, he does.

you’re not a stranger - yennefer/dandelion, book fic, blood of elves au, 2.2k

Sharing a meal, Yennefer had told the poet ”I know you and like you”, and expressed that strange affection as a show of gratitude for keeping Geralt sane and whole on the Path, but that was not the extent of it, no, not by half.

She had grown fond of him, the utter ignoramus, and equal parts curious. Curious whether she could coax more verse from him on the topic of her power, her heart, her strength, her beauty, and curious also, if the swagger he walked with was well-deserved, if he was as well-endowed in terms of his… talent as he professed in song.

you can sharpen your knife - yennefer/jaskier - 1.8k, pwp/explicit

After an ambush reveals that Jaskier is plenty handy with his little dagger, Yennefer finds herself hot and bothered.

that medicine i need - jaskier & yennefer, 1.6k

A Jaskier who skirts the boundaries of gender helps Yennefer navigate some identity issues of her own.

geraskier fic

long on the road - geralt/jaskier, 80s trucker au, 14.9k, warnings for major character death & depiction of terminal illness/HIV/AIDS

Geralt is a long-haul trucker who has recently broken it off (again) with his ex-wife. Jaskier is a free spirit musician hitchhiking across the country while grappling with a sudden reminder of his mortality. Geralt really, really regrets picking him up at the last rest area. Until, he doesn’t.

how light carries on - geralt/jaskier, geralt/regis, 9.6k, sequel to long on the road

Jaskier dies in 1990. Geralt lives.

the waters dark and deep - geralt/jaskier, 8.7k, warning for character death

Yennefer wonders if the Witcher bent first to will the ground warm and dry or if he hacked with furious, shuddering blows until the earth fractured and gave way to him. No matter, the grave carved out of the swell of the bluff bears the same dark weight in the end. A little body, withered in age, wrapped in a worn quilt from their bed and swept beneath the soil one broad stroke at a time.

Or, the one where Geralt goes with Jaskier to the coast and spends happily ever after farming by the sea.

you were always gold to me - geralt/jaskier, greenhouse owner!jaskier, ex con!geralt au, 6k, explicit

After spending ten years behind bars for getting caught up in the wrong crowd while trying his hardest to be a worthy father to his little daughter, Geralt takes up a job at a swanky garden center owned by the bubbly and charismatic man of many yellow flower names. They rest, they say, is just gravity.

denial’s not just a river - geralt/jaskier, 3.7k, pwp/explicit

prompt fill for an anon who asked for loss of control/loss of agency in relation to edging/orgasm control/premature ejaculation/omorashi aka it’s geralt piss fic, babes

to pull me from myself again - geralt/jaskier - 1.8k, role reversal, bard!geralt & witcher!jaskier

“You could be my barker!” the Witcher exclaimed in a fit of wide-armed inspiration on the brown road. “You sir, seem in want of a muse, and I am chock full of musings. Full to the brim.”

“Full of something,” said Geralt, hands tight on the strap of his lute case, and Jaskier barked out a surprised laugh. Or at least, Geralt thought it was a laugh.

It twisted gutturally in his throat.

other fic

hands on my waist, do it softly - geralt/jaskier/eskel - 6.7k, fem!jaskier/witchergender fem-bodied witchers, pwp/explicit

She had thought their ilk did not usually travel in pairs, but there they were, two great, hulking shapes in the rough-hewn doorway of the tavern.

Or: fem!Jaskier gets sandwiched between two beefy lady Witchers

blood of the covenant, water of the womb - geralt & renfri, 2.7k, warnings for imagined rape/non-con, gore, body horror

“Spoken like the beast the world will believe you to be. But we both know you’re no beast, my dear. Simply a victim of circumstance, as I was. No beast at all.”

“Quit blabbering,” said Geralt. “Let me guess. Find a way to lift the curse, and you sway the masses in my favor.”

Stregobor’s pleasant smile deepened his rosy cheeks.

“No, no, I know how to end my affliction. Now that you are here, it will not be long.”

respite - yen/vesemir, 1.8k

Vesemir is old. Yennefer allows him small moments of rest.

swallow - geralt/yen, geralt & ciri - 1.3k, character study, gore

May he rot to make earth. May he nourish one small patch of soil, one tuft of grass. That’s where he’ll retire, in the gut of a carrion bird. Vulture shit. A fitting tribute. All the memorial he’s ever going to get.

#and that's that!#my fic

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stonerbughead · 4 years ago

Text

Maria watches friday night lights (#33)

I’m back, I’m back! So here’s what happened...I watched 5x10 on October 1, never edited my note about it, then ended up taking an inadvertent break from watching until now. Idk why, but i needed a break from like...watching tv i hadn’t seen before. Anyone else have that habit of watching things you’ve already seen when you’re going through an anxious period? Starting a new job in the same month as the 2020 presidential election fit the bill, and i wanted to really immerse myself in the final three episodes of this amazing show properly so i decided to wait until i was feeling it! Anyway to the like three people who enjoy my recaps, i hope you enjoy these last four recaps.

So without further ado, aforementioned Oct 1 recap, now edited and underneath the cut:

5x10 yoooo I have never been so amused by Buddy Garrity in my life + TIM so here we go:

TIM RIGGINS RETURNS?! Yay!!! (This is my reaction just from seeing him in the “previously on.”)

Eric’s getting recruited at a ~fancy~ restaurant! Oh shitttt

“That, right there, marks the end of the East Dillon Lions football program led by Coach Eric Taylor.” “...It’s a crate of oranges.” “Yeah, and it’s from the sunshine state. From Florida! And that can only mean one thing—year round sunshine and college funding.” Lmao alarmist Buddy is hilarious and actually not wrong here. Lol incredulous Levi: “you got all that from a crate of oranges?!”

#OperationGetTimOut!! Is Eric going to speak for him as a character witness?

I *knew* that phone call from Oklahoma Tech wasn’t gonna be good. Ohhhhh Vince you should’ve listened to Eric~~~

Oh shit everyone’s buzzing about “losing their kingmaker” and it’s playoff time! Love a good car radio scene. “So how was it honey, are we moving to Florida?” Lol

“Dad, maybe we should just talk to Coach. I need to be focused on this game on Friday night, getting my spot back.” Yes Vince stand up for yourself, take a break from those meetings! I am fearful of his dad’s true reaction tho.

“Expelling Epyck, that was a good start.” Omfg some of these teachers are too cruel! That is a severely traumatized child, ma’am!

“Impromptu speeches...” “Impromptu means not planned, Buddy.” “Okay, then promptu.” I’M LIVING for these Buddy and Levi interactions omg hilarious.

“A man can’t leave if you erect a statue in his honor.” “A plaque?” “You got money for that?!” I cannot omfgggg Levi and Buddy should take this show on the road!

Tami’s “Oh Levi you are too much.” That’s a nice way to say “fuck you” for making her take a personal day to go speak on a panel he TOLD her she’s speaking at? Smh this is why staff needs unions.

Lmao Buddy is being so extra with Eric, I can’t

...and enter Billy, here to ask Eric a favor...

“Tim Riggins? One of the best fullbacks in the great state of Texas? The boy my girl fell in love with? Yeah I’ll do that.” Damn Buddy has a crush on Tim Riggins too!! I get it dude same.

“I believe in loyalty, Billy. Sticking with your people, through good and bad.” SO EXTRA LMAO

“Hey coach you going to Florida?” “I was planning on going home and I suggest you do too, Tinker.” Ugh poor Eric having to deal with all of these rumors and the team being endlessly curious right before the playoffs!

Awww Tami’s excited about the Florida houses. “Three years with a two year option.” Damn. Aw the way that Eric looks at Tami and you know he wants to give her everything she wants 🥺

Omggg now Buddy is making the players talk up Eric Taylor �� his scheming truly kills me

Becky and Luke tossing a football, so precious!

Ah, there’s more to life than college football, Luke! “No one wants me.” “I want you.” Aww Becky.

Aw Billy is getting so frustrated trying to write his speech for Tim. “It sounds ridiculous.” “No it doesn’t. You’re a good brother.” Oh Mindy 🥺 fuck prisonssss he should not feel like his words have so much bearing on his brother’s literal freedom!

Yes to Vince going to Eric and agreeing to earn his way back! That’s the Vince we know and love!

I love Eric telling Tami about Tim’s parole hearing. “You going to do it?” “You bet i’m going to do it.” My heart! The way there’s no question about it 🥺

Andddd Vince’s dad predictably refuses to let up with the recruiters. But this time Vince is standing up to him!

Yesss Vince, walk away! Especially after his dad yelled at him like that; this is not your life, it’s Vince’s!

“Don’t whack her. Just a little love tap.” LMAO Luke, Tinker, Becky, and a pig. Luke is giving Tinker pageant advice for Tinker at a competition with the pig?? I can’t, that’s weirdly so cute. Becky clearly finds it cute.

Omg Tim in his all-white prison uniform I HATE THISSS

OMGGGG “I don’t want Billy to speak, he’s done enough damage.” Fuck this is gonna fuck Billy UP. But also fair...I mean, Billy DOES tend to be a fuck up?? Isn’t that how we got here?

Yessss Tami going off explaining that standardized testing isn’t the end all be all!!

“what would you have us do, meet with every kind in the state?” “Yes I would.” to a round of applause. GO OFF QUEEN TAMI TAYLOR

Yes Coach Taylor! Give us one of your epic speeches!

Poor Tim looks like he has a lot of self hatred sitting here listening to Eric talking about him 🥺

“I asked him to be an assistant coach because of his character off the field.” YES

lol Buddy Garrity getting up to speak even tho he’s not on the list 🤣

“He’s like family to me.” OH BUDDYYYY he’s coming through with a full time job for Tim when he comes out?????? Tim’s smile of relief.

“It’s time for you to let Tim Riggins come home.” YESSSSS

AW Tim sent Eric letters from prison?? My poor babe. “I’m sorry I didn’t visit more.” “I’m sorry I let you down.” “You didn’t and that’s not why I’m here.” IM EMOTIONAL

Holy shit Vince’s dad is STILL not letting up? “I’m your father. I know what’s right.” “that is enough! Get off his back!” “He needs a father, not an agent!” YES REGINA GO OFFFFF she finally snapped!

(It’s wild how Coach possibly leaving is being used in this fight in Vince’s family. Oh, Dillon!)

Oh shit Billy is yelling at both Becky and Mindy, clearly very affected by what Tim said at his parole hearing. “You did everything you could and that makes all the difference.” Aww Mindy, and Billy apologized! Too much stress for such a young family! Also unrelated but Mindy looks mad hot for the athletic banquet.

Awww I love getting to see the other teams stand up. Yeah cross country, yes girls volleyball!!!

Man, playing a sport in Texas that’s not football must suck, look at that insane applause for football vs. weak for everyone else

Buddy giving Gracie a lil t-shirt and saying, “clear eyes, full hearts...you know it?” And they’re all like “can’t...lose” and Gracie giggles! Ok that’s cute af

Omg the tension between Jess and Vince!! “Jess, I miss you. I miss you.” 🥺 aw yeah she blew him off for her brothers

Wow they made it to the playoffs for the first time in 25 years?? Well here comes Buddy’s All Hail Eric Taylor pageant. Lmao

Awww these heartfelt addresses from the team members on how much Eric Taylor has changed their lives??? Manipulative, Buddy, really. He knows what he’s doing.

Yesss Eric, give Tami that massage. See y’all, this is what being a good man looks like.

“It had the desired effect. It sure made you think twice about leaving Dillon.” “It’s a hell of an offer. I’d own that building. They have funding.” “Mmm and oranges. Don’t forget about oranges.” “Mmm that pool.” They wanna leave.

“You know what I want more than anything right now? I wanna bring these boys to state.” “I know you do.” “They deserve it.” “I know they do. But after you do that, this offer is something to think about. Because you deserve that.” Ugh I know I say it a lot but since we’re in the final four episodes now and I’m mostly talking into the void anyway — god, what a model of a wonderful and gentle and loving and communicative marriage! I am continually floored!

Becky with cowboy boots at Luke’s farm works. And ooh Luke’s mom said hi to her?? Progress!!

Aw they’re talking about how pretty they find Luke’s farm as he tries to imagine a future here in Dillon. “I have an amazing imagination. I see your next game, and you’re winning.” Awww Becky is such a cute girlfriend.

What a cute shot of Luke and Becky on the farm, “you ever think you could imagine living on a farm?” “Sure.” AWWW

Vince at Eric’s door on game day?!!! He’s asking Eric not to take the offer to Shane State when he’s supposed to already be at the field house!?!

“Having you as a coach is one of the best things to happen to me. I don’t know where I’d be without you. Either in jail or in a ditch somewhere.” Damn forget Buddy this shit is from the HEART

Eric tells him to get in the damn car and tells him he’s starting!! “You know what your problem is? You ask too many damn questions.”

AHHHHH TIM IS HOME! Showered in a flannel! My heart! He salutes Becky with a beer!

Aww Billy is so excited to have his brother home.

It seems uneasy in the home. Coming back from prison is hard.

And here they go, heading onto the bus with signs and cheers!

“I’ll tell you, this is an away game, but you look around here at the community tonight and the young players that I have playing for me, and the character they got—no matter where this community goes, that’s home.”

Damn Eric just announced he was planning to stay home in Dillon to the press. “you’re full of surprises, aren’t you?” says Tami. “I love you.” and with the FNL theme song playing aghkliyb I’m not ready for the final three episodes ahhh!!!

#maria watches friday night lights #mine #friday night lights 5x10

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nyctophilin · 4 years ago

Note

Can I make a teeny tiny note on your post about masks am coughing? I’m am not coming for you, not at all because I agree with you on like 99% what you said, but there is a very small percentage of people who have certain chronic respiratory diseases, and because of those, are exempt from wearing a mask. These conditions can make them cough violently but yea I know how that looks. These people may be better off staying at home because their health is even more at risk (1/2, bear with me please)

(2/2) like I said they might be better off at home but I can imagine that they want to go outside as well some time because yeah, fresh air/groceries/idk I’m definitely not saying that this might have been the case with what you witnessed but I’m just saying, those cases exist, but we can’t kick those people out of society, right, just because of their chronic conditions? I’m doing this off anon because I will not hide behind that. And I mean this note in the friendliest way possible ☺️

I had to listen to a 40 something years old man trying to tell us how covid is not real and that it's something made up by the government. And they didn't mean "made up" as in men made virus, they meant "made up" as in it doesn't exist. They said that the fact that people are losing their smell and taste and spending weeks at intensive care is just a coincidence and that the government is profiting of off it. They also said that since covid is not real, we shouldn't wear masks and practice social distancing even if we just have the flu and not "covid".

To that my dad proceeded to tell him how when we went to do Christmas shopping and he was waiting in line to buy meat, there was an old man that cut in line. Not only did the man cut in line, when the line was super long and there were people waiting for a long time before him, he also didn't wear a mask and was coughing. In a super crowded supermarket, that man was not wearing a mask and was coughing right in my dads face because he was also standing very close to him. He could have had the flu or covid or anything else that's contagious and he still decided to ignore all protection measures. They had to insist for 15 minutes for him to get to the back of the line or go away.

This is when that 40 something years old started saying how the government is using the masks and covid to turn us against one another and how we can't exclude someone who is coughing from society, because this is what he though people insisting that old men goes to the back of the line and puts a mask on meant. Excluding from society. The only problems that old man had were excessive smoking and a huge lack of respect for people around him.

Also, if the president, the government, the police, the essential workers are wearing masks, then everyone should do it. Where I live, there is not such thing as being exempt from wearing a mask. The law says that everyone has to wear it, so everyone has to wear it. No matter who they are and what they do.

And people that have chronic diseases should especially wear masks since covid represents a huge risk towards people with chronic diseases of any kind. And if they aren't going to wear them, then they shouldn't go in crowded places full of people. Not only do they represent a threat to everyone else by not wearing a mask, they also put themselves in great danger because if they get covid there are 90% chances that they will die.

I didn't leave my house for 7 months and when I did, I wore a mask constantly. Because I acknowledged that I might get sick or get other people sick. So if there are people that are also conscious of these things and choose to deliberately ignore them and break the rules, then they deserve to be excluded from society.

And I am not saying that people that cough should be excluded from society because I cough and my mom is coughing and that cashier is coughing. But if you are coughing and not wearing a mask and not respecting social distancing while going to crowded places, which basically means ignoring all the safety measures, then you do deserve to be excluded from society in my opinion.

#asks #lost-midnight-flower

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fiercebb · 6 years ago

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On Jaime Lannister’s Complicated Ending

My thoughts on Jaime Lannister’s ending as I try to make sense of what happened and come to terms with it, for whoever is willing to listen anymore. It’s going to be a long one, sorry for that, but I need to get it all out.

It’s been a few hours since I watched the latest episode of Game of Thrones (plus Jaime’s scenes multiple times). I’m sleep deprived, I have a terrible headache, I’ve been working for 8 hours straight, and this is bound to feel like work as well, but I just have to write my thoughts down now to try to make some sense of what happened.

So, I want to start by saying Jaime Lannister is my second favorite Game of Thrones character (second only to Brienne), and it goes without saying I am a Braime shipper as well. But we’ll get to that later. I loved Jaime’s character because he had one of the most spectacular, relatable, hard-worked character developments in the entire show. He went from someone for whom the phrase “The things I do for love” meant doing the most terrible things to someone for whom it meant doing the most honorable ones. We saw him go from a person who would unscrupulously push a little boy out the window to someone who would save a person he’s just met from getting raped for no apparent reason, jump into a bear pit to save that same person, abandon his sister and long-time lover to join said person in the fight for the living, offer said person the one thing they wished for their entire life, protect her at all costs during the battle, and finally have the most wholesome, truthful, and endearing experience with her. And yes, it’s no coincidence that the deeds I’ve listed here all have to do with Brienne. Because you can’t separate Jaime (the Jaime he has become) from Brienne of Tarth. She is the catalyst for the change that turned Jaime into the man and knight he wanted to be. We’ve not only watched him grow, but we’ve also got to learn more about his past deeds and how things are not always what they seem.

Don’t get me wrong. Jaime Lannister was oftentimes a horrible person whose terrible deeds cannot and should not be forgotten. But he was, for the most part, struggling to become a better man. And since we can’t possibly judge Game of Thrones characters simply for committing despicable acts, what is there left for a man if not the possibility of self-betterment? Since about the moment when he first had to say goodbye to Brienne I got invested in his character and felt like he has the potential to change, to set himself free from the Lannister name and burden, and finally be the man he dreamt of being when he was a young boy. Season 8 gave me renewed hope for Jaime’s character. He finally seemed to have realized he has to break his toxic relationship with Cersei for good, he went North even if he knew he was going to meet his worst enemies because he wanted to fight for the living, he reunited with Brienne, he looked at her the way I’ve never seen him look at anyone before (you can fight me on that), he asked to fight under her command, he knighted her, he saved her during battle, he got jealous of Tormund, he made love to her, and he spent a few weeks of bliss (I assume) with her in Winterfell even if he hated the North. It’s impossible to witness this and not have hope that Jaime is finally on the right path.

That said, I never actually thought he would make it alive out of season 8. I hoped he would, of course, but I was fully prepared for him to die. My problem is not that he died, my problem is with how he died. When he left Brienne I was shocked and heartbroken. I tried to make excuses for him, I was sure he was going to KL to end it all with Cersei. Not necessarily to kill her, but to maybe try to reason with her. I was sure he said all those cruel things to Brienne because he loved her and he didn’t want her following him to certain death.

I still believe some of those things, but not in the same way I used to. Let me say, first of all, that I do believe that Jaime Lannister loved Brienne of Tarth. Not in a platonic way, not in a friendship way, but in a romantic, pure, soulmate kind of way. Yes, I said soulmate, even if we just witnessed Jaime die in Cersei’s arms. I’m getting there, hold on. So, I do believe he loved her, I do believe he intended to stay with her, I do believe he tried with all his being to forge a new life with her away from Cersei and her pull. God knows Brienne was good for him. She brought the best in him and you could see it in his eyes when he saw the way she looked at him that he was shocked to see anyone could possibly look at him that way. And that’s because I think he never thought he deserved it. While part of what he said to Brienne might have been because he didn’t want her following him (maybe, idk), I do think he actually believed most of what he said. The ghosts of his past were too loud for him to ignore. As much as he tried (and I really think he did), he couldn’t shake the thought that he is not worthy of Brienne’s love. But that’s not the only reason why he left.

He also left because he loves Cersei. Hear me out, I know as a Braime shipper this is hard to shallow, but I promise I’ll explain in a minute. First, I want to talk a little bit about Brienne, what my thoughts are on that last scene between them, and what my hopes are for her - given that she’s my favorite character. It hurt a lot to see her cry, I’m not going to lie. But I’ve given this a lot of thought, and after watching the scene repeatedly and reading interviews with Gwen (who will always do the right thing by Brienne), I reached the conclusion that the reason she was crying is not because she thought Jaime doesn’t love her and she’s leaving her for another woman, but because her heart was breaking knowing she’ll never see him again. She knew how strong him and Cersei’s bond was, she knew he was fighting a lot of demons, and she knew he was extremely damaged (if anyone knew that, Brienne was that person). And I agree with Gwen, I don’t think she expected him to stay with her forever. I think on some level, she always expected him to leave at some point. Of course, she didn’t want him to go. Of course, she did love him as much as he loved her, of that I have no doubt. But if there’s anyone who can understand his reasons for leaving, she is, because she knows him better than anyone at this point, even better than Cersei. So, in that moment of heartbreak, I think Brienne cries not just for the love she knows she is losing but also for the man she wished could have managed to conquer his demons and for the fact that she knows she will never see him again (and I am crying as I’m writing this, because it hurts). And I also choose to believe that she doesn’t regret spending those few weeks with him as they did. I really don’t think she does. It was her choice as much as it was his, and she was aware from the very beginning things might not last. Yet it was a beautiful conclusion to a beautiful hate-turned-friendship-turned-romance connection that they will both cherish forever. The goodbye wasn’t easy for either of them and you can see that. Even if Jaime didn’t cry, you could see the distress on his face, you could see his heart was torn, that he didn’t want to make her suffer, but that he knew that’s what he had to do. All in all, I hope that my girl Brienne doesn’t regret any second that he spent loving and caring for Jaime Lannister, as I’m sure he doesn’t either. Even if we don’t get to hear anything about their relationship in the final episode (and I don’t think we will), I hope she won’t live the rest of her life regretting this and thinking Jaime didn’t love her because that would be too heartbreaking to bear, and completely not true.

To go back to Jaime’s love for Cersei, first of all, it was clear for me from the very beginning that the love will never not be there. It can’t not be there. They’re twins, they’ve been in each other’s lives since the day they were born, they were lovers, they were at times the only thing they had, they did great things together and they did horrible things together. That kind of connection, as toxic as it may be, doesn’t just end because you want it to (and I do think Jaime wanted and hoped that it would). Their relationship was toxic, it’s true, especially from Cersei’s side. I’m not saying he doesn’t share the blame, I’m just saying out of the two of them, you can tell Jaime is the one who loved more. He was always by her side and would have done anything for her, as he so aptly put it to Brienne. Until he didn’t. Until he decided to leave her and go North to join Brienne. The thing is, in my opinion, that was the moment when any semblance of a romantic relationship disappeared between the two of them. If I remember correctly, Nik also said that when Jaime says “I don’t believe you” to her when she wants to have him killed, he read it as “I don’t love you anymore,” and so did I. But not “I don’t love you” at all, just not in the romantic sense. He left in that moment and didn’t look back, and his actions and expressions make me think he didn’t look back while he was at Winterfell with Brienne either. He truly was happy with her and fell in love with her, finally free to accept his feelings and act on them. And that also brings me to the fact that they made love. Jaime Lannister would have never ever in a million years made love 1. with a woman he wasn’t in love with 2. with another woman if he was still in love with Cersei. So I fully believe he didn’t harbor any romantic feelings for Cersei anymore.

That said, he still loved her. And for that, I will never judge him. Of course, I wouldn’t have wanted him to go back to the person who caused him the most harm in this world, and of course, it is messed up and toxic, but this is something that often happens in toxic relationships and I can’t blame nor judge him. People do go back, people are so attached and addicted to that person that they feel like they have to go back. And it’s not just that. I agree that there is some sort of addiction happening here, but it’s also just love. He loves his sister. She is part of his family and always will be. And we know how important family is for Jaime Lannister. So it’s only natural that he wanted to be next to her. Again, I’m not sure he knew exactly what he was going to do once her got there, but he knew he needed to be there, at least to see her for one last time. And maybe yes, some part of him also wanted to die, to just end it all. If he knew she couldn’t escape death, he might have thought that if she is to die for all the sins she committed, he has to die with her as well for the part he played in her rise to power and for his own sins that he never forgave himself for. I remember Olenna telling him he will end up regretting the part he played in her rise to power and I think he did reach that point. I think he reached that point when he left her at the end of season 7 and I think he struggled all throughout season 8 with the knowledge that he helped put her there and he has to pay the price as well.

I want to also look a bit at their final moments together. As much as I didn’t want this to happen, I have to admit I didn’t have a problem with the scene itself. Hear me out. First of all, I think if confirms what I said earlier about their relationship no longer being a romantic one. Maybe I see what I want to see, but what I saw between them was two siblings who despite it all care about each other and know they’re about to die, trying to comfort each other in their last moments. I mean, mostly Jaime, because Cersei, even as she was dying, she was mostly thinking about herself (and the baby), but I don’t want to go into that because my focus here is Jaime. Jaime held her, he comforted her, and he died with her, but he didn’t say “I love you” nor did he kiss her. Now, you’d think if two people who love each other romantically know they’re about to die, they would at least say “I love you” or kiss for the last time. But he didn’t do that, and neither did she, and I think that’s because she knew. She also knew that that part of their relationship was long gone. In that moment they were just brother and sister, two people who still love each other but who caused each other too much harm to ever have a happy ending. Of course, I would have liked Cersei to know that Jaime has found love again in Brienne (maybe she did), if only to show her that even if she damaged him irreparably, another woman could love him and give him what he deserves. But of course we didn’t get that because of D&D (and I’ll get to that in a moment as well). Bottom line is I didn’t dislike their final scene. What I disliked, of course, is that Jaime couldn’t break free from his demons and Cersei’s influence and that he had to die with her. I would have wanted to see him start a happy life with Brienne, be the father he never managed to be (I know he would have been a great one), and learn how it feels to love purely and be loved in return. But as I said in the beginning, I didn’t have much hope for that to happen. I would have even been okay with this ending if it weren’t for the circumstances.

Yes, the circumstances. That being D&D’s laughable writing choices. Jaime’s story, the way it ended now, with the context we have now (just from the TV show) MAKES NO SENSE. I’m sorry but it doesn’t. All of his actions up until the very end of episode 4 pointed to him being on a path to recovery, on a path to becoming the man I know he could have been, on a path to loving again and being truly happy and free for once in his life. To go from that to total character annihilation is just plain stupid. There just wasn’t enough time to build up this sudden departure from his character. If we would have gotten more scenes, more indication that that was about to happen, more of an explanation of why, then I might have been more okay with his ending. Because as I said, in the end, I don’t have a problem with how it all ended, as much as it breaks my heart because I love him so much.

If we would have at least gotten an explanation inserted in his goodbye scene with Brienne, or a mention of Brienne to Tyrion, or some sort of insight into his mind and his motivations, it wouldn’t have been complete character annihilation. But as they’re trying to portray it now, that he just left Brienne because he realized he loves Cersei and he never even mentioned Brienne at all before dying, it doesn’t make any narrative sense, and I think anyone, not just Jaime fans and Braime shippers, can see that.

But now I also kind of understand why Nik said he was happy with the ending. I think we all wanted to believe that meant he survived and staid with Brienne considering how much of a Braime fan Nik is. But thinking about it now, with everybody wondering how he could lie that way, I don’t think he was lying. Of course, he also kind of had to say he at least liked the ending a little bit, but I also genuinely think he liked some of it, because he says it made sense, and in some twisted way it does. He also said that there wasn’t enough time because they had to fit everything in just a couple of episodes and that this change in Jaime’s character threw him off as well and that he needed to take a second to accept that, and I completely agree and see his point. The problem was that everything was rushed and it didn’t make narrative sense. But if in a perfect world, we would’ve gotten more of an explanation and a cohesive narrative, I can see how he’d be okay with Jaime’s ending. Maybe he thinks, the same way Jaime does, that this was the best way in which he could redeem himself. Maybe he thinks Jaime could have never moved past his demons and live a happy life with Brienne, and it would have killed him to put her through that as well. Maybe he thinks Jaime would have never forgiven himself if he weren’t there when Cersei died, and that would have also affected his relationship with Brienne. All in all, I think both Jaime the character and Nikolaj the man didn’t think Jaime could be saved, I think they thought Brienne doesn’t deserve to be put through this, and I think they thought the world would be a better place without Jaime Lannister. I disagree. I think if there was any character in this show that deserved a second chance that was Jaime Lannister. I think that he was worthy of being saved, worthy of being loved, worthy of being shown there is more to life that what he experienced in the past, and I think Brienne was ready to give that to him. But in the end, it was his decision. It hurts that it had to end this way, but it was his decision.

And don’t get me wrong, I love a tragic love story. The more tragic it is the better. I love unrequited love, suffering, heartbreak. It’s usually what draws me to a story. And that’s why I would have been okay with it all if it weren’t for the poor choice of narrative that just doesn’t allow me to truly believe this is how the Jaime Lannister we’ve seen in season 8 deserved and wanted to end. Ultimately, of course, I have no say in this, but I’m working on accepting what happened.

I know some people still have hope that maybe Jaime isn’t really dead, and I don’t want to make people lose hope, because I know I’ve held onto mine for as long as I could, but I know Jaime’s story is over and I need to accept that now so I can heal.

I also don’t want people to hate on Jaime. I’ve seen so many posts hating on him and calling him a fuckboy and whatnot. I know most of us are not actually angry at Jaime but at the writers who turned him into a different Jaime than the one we all knew and loved, but for the people who really feel like they hate him now, I hope this post (if you’ve read it through) helps alleviate some of that hate. He doesn’t deserve hate. He was a flawed, at times despicable character, but he was also a good man, an honorable knight, a person haunted by his demons who fought them as much and for as long as he could until they overpowered him. He is the person who loved Brienne of Tarth the most (I know he is), who gave her everything she wanted and who shared a couple of weeks of happiness with her before it all ended. He is someone who has been abused, used, mistreated, and often threatened by a person he loved for most of his life, he is a person who did terrible, terrible things, but also a person who did good things for the right reasons. He is a complicated man and I have to think Nikolaj for being the best Jaime Lannister I could have ever imagined. He will never be perfect, far from it, but he will always be one of my favorite characters. I wished for his story to have a good ending until the last moment (crying again as I’m writing this) and I don’t regret it one bit. I don’t regret investing time and energy and tears into loving him and hoping he would become the man he might have managed to become if the circumstances were different.

I am not okay with Jaime Lannister dying. I don’t think I’m going to be okay with it for a long time, but I know some day I will make my peace with that. I’ve cried writing this but I feel much better now, much more at peace. This is so unbelievably long I doubt anyone will read it through, but if you’ve reached this point, feel free to leave me a comment or a PM if you are also mourning Jaime Lannister and need someone to talk to.

And before I go, I wanted to thank the Braime community once again for making all of it more bearable. I know a lot of you are in pain right now and you can’t believe it but it will get better. And for me, Jaime Lannister will always be one of the greatest.

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m1serere-n0bis · 5 years ago

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Anyways. I don't care what the rest of you all have been doing during this but I have been trying to listen better and pray more.

For those of you who don't think that's "enough"... Sorry but I don't owe public opinion shit. The only person I owe an explanation to is God. I don't owe anyone information on what I'm doing in private. I don't owe anyone information on what I am/am not supporting financially or otherwise. If your personal opinion is that I'm not making adequate use of my voice or platform then that's rough buddy, but my voice is not the one that needs to be heard right now and also what platform? As a society hyperfocused on social media ESPECIALLY NOW DURING THIS PANDEMIC we have to come to terms that we all have lives outside of it and we don't "owe" each other ANY information about that in spite of what our culture tells us. Like if this is what "community-based policing" means, I can already tell you I hate it and it's oppressive.

For those of you who think this is a political power play, I would say those concerns are valid but there IS a REAL problem that will still be there when all the political pandering and posturing is done. And we need to fix it. Part of the reason I haven't been hyping what everyone has been telling me to hype in the name of activism is pretty much this:

Do I think it honestly matters which political party is in charge for changes to happen? No, because I do not trust the SAME GOVERNMENT BACKING THE POLICE to take the money THAT IS STILL TECHNICALLY IN THEIR POSSESSION and funnel it into the communities that need it in any way that will actually address the racism inherent in the system. HOWEVER, that doesn't stop me from listening to what my brothers and sisters in Christ are telling me are their experiences not just in a society that is supposed to have progressed past racism but in the BODY OF CHRIST itself. Because it's there, everyone. Yes, it's not overt. Yes, not everyone is actively engaging in it but if we are truly One Body then we owe it to each other to make reparations for sins that aren't ours. It's what we've been doing for the child abuse scandals, is it not? The majority of us were not involved but do we not still carry the burden of that sin simply because we're Catholic, because one part of the One Body committed this massive hurt?

So anyway. The goal of this post is not to make anyone feel bad and it is not an invitation for people to pile on me because I haven't vocally supported x, y, z. This is an invitation to listen and to pray... which should always be the first step, EVEN WHEN THERE IS AN IMMEDIATE NEED FOR ACTION. (Maybe ESPECIALLY when there's an immediate need for action.) And holy shit are we not good at that or what? 😂

1) Fr. Mike Schmitz' homily this week was an invitation for us to listen to God and let Him tell us who He is because only by doing that can we see the image and likeness of God in each other. We've lost that in our wishy-washy prayer lives that inevitably end up with us trying to force God into an earthly construction in which He doesn't belong. We try to tell God who He is because the world is too noisy for us to hear Him tell us about Himself. And that inevitably trickles down into us trying to force each other into boxes before recognizing the human dignity instilled by God in all of us. The internet feeds into that by making us faceless virtual entities, thus making it that much more difficult to recognize our humanity. I can read faceless stats for days but if I don't have ANY CONTEXTUAL IDEA where those numbers are coming from, they're empty. They're easily manipulated into whatever whoever is selling me them wants me to think of them if I don't have someone LIVING THOSE STATISTICS giving me context. Right now the media wants us to feed on the controversy surrounding BLM movement without telling us that these communities have been MARCHING IN THEIR COMMUNITIES FOR YEARS AGAINST THE VIOLENCE THEY INFLICT ON THEMSELVES and it is the same media blackout as any March for Life. The media doesn't care unless they have drama they can use to stoke more division and that's the tea.

2) Fr. Josh Johnson is on fire right now, everyone. Like him and Chika Anyanwu are two voices I wasn't listening to before that I'm thankful to be hearing now. If you're wondering how God can be good even in the midst of chaos, turmoil, and pain, this is it. If you're struggling to separate the Black Lives Matter Organization from the heart of the issue, this is how God is doing that. The Church needs to hear these voices. They have real experiences to share. They are part of the Body of Christ, and they are really hurting through these thousands of small cuts.

I would recommend listening to the Jeff Cavins Show episode Distance Amplifies Difference where he has a conversation with Fr. Josh. They both have tremendously unique WORDLY perspectives to bring to the table on the issue (Jeff Cavins is a white man but has children who are black and they live in Minnesota and are literally witnessing the heart of this first hand in the trenches, and Fr. Josh is the son of a black former chief of police) but ultimately discuss how we as a Church can work towards fixing it.

Fr. Josh and Fr. Mike's dialogue on Ascension Presents is also really top notch. I still have to finish watching it, though. 😅

I can't believe I wasn't following Chika before because as another single Catholic woman, I feel like I've found a sister in Christ experiencing the same ups and downs of Catholic singlehood (her Instagram Highlight was like HILARIOUS and also a truth 😂). Her family's small business got looted during the rioting but I believe they've since been able to shut down their Go Fund Me since people gave them enough support to get it back up and running. Anyways, I'm glad this amplification of black voices brought me to hers.

3) Fransican Friars of the Renewal Fr. Agostino and Fr. Pierre Toussaint discuss their hopes for the movement from their perspective as people of color and as servants of one of the poorest neighborhoods in NYC, the South Bronx. Their dynamic is great because Fr. Agostino is like a Gryffindor on fire and Fr. PT is like a soft-spoken, phlegmetic Ravenclaw. I understand that energy. 😂 (I'm also a phlegmetic Ravenclaw) One of my takeaways was Fr. Agostino's opinion that we can't just posture and leave it up to the government or orgs with ulterior political motives to make things right because he's seen firsthand how well THAT goes. However, all that means is that we as people of God have to dig in and do the work our own dang selves. They're also hopeful that this discussion of the police force being built on a foundation of racism will eventually lead to the discussion of Planned Parenthood being built on the same. They said that 42% of the pregnancies of the predominantly black and Latino population in the South Bronx end in abortion. 42%!!!!!!!!!!! If that is not a wake-up call that systemic racism is alive and well and we are abjectly failing women of color as a society Idk what is. But also their analogy that society is a MESS of a dilapidated house and we have to pick ONE place to start and stick with it if we really want to fix it up is also the truth.

4) Did y'all know about Our Lady of Kibohe? This is a Vatican-approved Marian apparition that appeared to three teenaged girls in Rwanda a little more than a decade before the genocide (which she warned them about). There is no one in Creation demons and Satan hate more than Our Lady, and there's no better weapon against them than the rosary. There has been a call from our brothers and sisters to rend our hearts and even if you don't see, think, or believe there is still racism within the Church, will you not pray for Mary and St. Michael to help continue keeping it that way, then?

Our Lady of Kibohe encouraged us to take up the practice of praying the Seven Sorrows Rosary. I tried it for the first time last week and I have to say, even with my super basic limited knowledge of black history in the United States, it was not hard to see how their suffering could easily be united to the sufferings of Christ and Our Lady.

I guess my conclusion is this: I have my own misgivings about blindly supporting any ol' cause that happens to be trending on whatever. The Black Lives Matter ORGANIZATION has a manifesto touting things that are contrary to the Catechism for SURE, but when my brothers and sisters in the Church are telling me they are in pain RIGHT NOW and saying, "Hey, listen... They're right about some things... These are the things and we've experienced it IN the Church..." then they deserve to be heard. We owe it to them to listen because they are a part of us. We need to expose these sins to the light instead of denying they exist or claiming to be past it. We ALSO need to be charitable to those in different parts of their journey. Is it FAIR to bear the burden of others' sins and make reparations for them? Heck no! But we do it. Jesus did it for us. We do it for our brothers and sisters in Purgatory. What's the difference for bearing it for our hard-hearted brothers and sisters on earth? Nobody is perfect but we all are made in the image and likeness of God and thus inherently carry human dignity.

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thegeminisage · 5 years ago

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i’m gonna liveblog my rewatch of 2.08 because i can

it’s stupid long so here’s the cut

just to give you an idea of how fast this switch flipped for me at the start of this episode when uther is like “u will find no one who embodies nobleness better than my son arthur” i went “PFFFFFT” & had a good chortle

i have a lot to say about this duel challenge sequence. 1. why are strangers always coming in and tossing their glove on the floor. everyone in that room is armed. just take them out! 2. arthur picks up the glove first this time, unlike 1.03. guess he can learn after all 3. he does it BEFORE SEEING HER FACE god classic he’s so fucking stupid

everyone getting their panties in a twist over having to fight a WOMAN when in reality she goes on to kick his ass is like...both tiresome & hilarious

i used to really be on the fence about the Vibe between merlin & arthur because while they seemed quite happy to die for one another from the get-go most of the time arthur is just being MEAN and merlin isn’t as mean back and it’s like :/ ok i don’t get what everyone else is so heart-eyes over. but in 2.08 they do a lot of confiding in one another and just general talking about plot-stuff where arthur’s insults are...not absent, but kept to a minimum, and idk it’s nice! it’s nice. less like arthur is a massive bully and more like they’re Companions. i’m not hopeful about it lasting bc this show doesn’t know the meaning of the words “consist continuity” but it was reeeeeaally good here

arthur’s face when he lost to a G I R L and uther just walked out with no comment. even back when i still hated him i was like “ouch”

that being said it was a welcome change of pace to see merlin giving ARTHUR shit for once. finally

upon morgause and morgana’s first meeting when morgause says “i hope you will remember me fondly” i went “WOW THAT’S GAY” because i didn’t KNOW and cathy told me later she had to put her head in her hands for five whole minutes. don’t shoot me i’m just the messenger they’re the ones who wrote it that way

my favorite thing about morgause is that i couldn’t immediately figure her out. i’m in the habit of throwing out guesses about future plot points for fun, because i’m a writer and that’s how i deconstruct things, and since this show was kind of meant to be kid-friendly i’m usually right. but as far as morgause went...i didn’t have a clue. i had NO IDEA this whole ep would be like this

i’ve said this before (not on this blog tho) but arthur is like...really eager to die. i keep joking that he has a death wish but upon further reflection i don’t think he’s actively seeking to end his life as much as he would be relieved to die for something noble like honor or whatever because then he would have...done it right, if that makes any sense, and wouldn’t have to worry about screwing it up anymore. he doesn’t want to die but he craves a good death. to prove to his dad and himself that he’s made of the right stuff?? i’m not being very clear. this concept requires more thought

it’s REALLY a lot for me that uther would rather throw arthur in his own chambers than have him find out about ygraine. yyyyikes

merlin sneaking in that rope was so cute. he finally got the group’s communal braincell for a few minutes

on the other hand after the troll episodes i am SO tired of dung being played for laughs. i really suffered

also man i’m so glad morgana finally got some sleep it’s what she deserves

this Dead Parent talk really mcmurdered me. both merlin and arthur lost a parent when they were very young & they now cannot remember said parent and we HAVE THAT IN COMMON so every single word they said was like an arrow straight to my heart!!!!!!! like as good as the ending to this episode was (and OH it was good OHHHHH it was GOOD) i think this right here is what truly softened me up towards arthur. this is relatability, this is emotional vulnerability, this is a genuine human connection made between EQUALS and frankly it’s exactly what i’ve been wanting from these guys for a season and a half. their willingness to die for each other is good stuff to be sure but it’s EMPTY without some meat to back it up & we’re finally getting what we deserve

“i’d do anything for even the vaguest memory” like they didn’t have to go that hard & read me for filth like that but they did. they did. arthur. babe. my guy.

almost every time someone comes in to speak with uther he’s eating and he has like an entire mini-banquet in front of him even though he’s all by himself. like, an entire plate of grapes, a whole-ass chicken, an intact loaf of bread, a bowl FILLED with whole uncut apples...wtf??

“what would YOU know about magic, merlin?” “nothing ;)” i did have a good chortle truly

i’ve already made my points about arthur and a good death but MAN he was hasty to put his head on that chopping block for no good fucking reason at all. holy shit. him casually doing that swing-thing he does with his sword to the axe ahead of time really adds a lot to this entire thing and also aged me ten years

when arthur was like “what if my father’s attitude towards magic is wrong” and “surely not everyone who practices magic can be evil” i gasped so fucking loud. so fucking loud

and the worst part is you can practically feel merlin’s heartbeat pick up. just LOOK at his “wtf am i hearing is this for real could my dreams actually come true” face. but at the same time, he’s got to be the one with a healthy suspicion here because arthur is in over his head. so he STILL can’t trust it. and then naturally it goes to hell so quickly that the chance for merlin to confide in arthur is lost. i can’t believe this took 4 irl years and five seasons. watching this live must have been like TORTURE. i’m practically bingeing it and i’m still suffering deeply

it’s very odd to me that arthur specifically said his mother died before he opened his eyes but the first thing ygraine says to him is that she remembers him staring up at her. to me that’s an obvious clue that she’s a fake, and the cutaway during that line to merlin’s face tells me he had the same suspicion (and that he’s kind of horrified by it)

ARTHUR FEELS SO GUILTY FOR HER DYING AND I’M ALSO DYING AND SLDFKMGHLSKDFJH

i know for a fact that ygraine’s telling of these events is slightly altered from the truth too...there’s no way that uther would have been so overcome with grief that he went on to commit genocide if he knew beforehand that his wife would die and was willing to sacrifice her

on the other hand, there’s also a cutaway to morgause’s face during this speech in which she looks surprised or confused at what ygraine says, which doesn’t add up if she was pulling these strings, so...What Is The Truth

not to be like this but merlin bearing witness to this whole series of events is like...there’s some things that once you go through them with somebody things between you change and there’s a new intimacy there...i don’t expect much from a show that likes to return to the status quo but in my heart it’s how i feel

OH BOY HERE WE GO. arthur arrives in camelot and pulls his sword out as soon as he leaves his horse leaving a visibly spooked merlin behind him this is the STUFF

“arthur was born of magic” is really a hell of a line because even though i already knew this backstory i hadn’t stopped to consider it like that...no, magic is not a crucial part of arthur’s identity and how he views himself the way it is for merlin and morgana, but it’s still a part of his history and what made him who he is, that made him alive and different from other people. his hatred and fear of it becomes so much more tragic in that light. i think also there was such a clear line drown before between people who are magic and people who are not and for me, mentally, arthur kind of...swapped sides, or is at least straddling the border

merlin’s absolute FURY at uther’s hypocrisy is like...........fucking. another thing i wanted to see for a season and a half. imo there’s not nearly enough meat to the fact that merlin is magic and ultimately serves uther who is trying to decimate him and his kind - has actually SAVED UTHER'S LIFE on MULTIPLE occasions. this is the first time this show actually went “hey uther is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people and that’s really not at all ok” and i am SO into it. like, no, he’s not misguided. he’s not “just grieving.” he’s a murderer. he’s responsible for genocide.

the final 9 minutes of this episode feature arthur pendragon being absolutely FURIOUS. he’s LIVID. he’s PISSED. and i love it more than anything else this show has done so far

i genuinely, truly believed he didn’t have this in him. never in my WILDEST DREAMS could i have imagined arthur doing this. i had written it off as the stuff of fanfics. but holy shit my man snapped

HE👏DID👏THAT👏

reasons i did not see this coming at all even a little: 1. i figured there was no way arthur would get over his anti-magic thing until near the end (i know it must come back later, but STILL) 2. i did not believe for one second he could ever seriously stand up to his father for more than a few minutes at a time 3. most of what’s making arthur so goddamn pissed is that he thinks his dad killed his mom on purpose but he’s also showing a fair amount of horror at the fact that uther hunted down and killed everyone even remotely associated with sorcery like animals. do you know what that is? does anybody else understand the enormity of this? HE IS SHOWING EMPATHY. i DID NOT believe he was capable of it.

i do feel a way about how uther started this scene from a place of cool confidence - he was handing out orders, “leave us and no one comes in,” manipulating the situation, “she was lying to you, magic users are trying to destroy us,” and finally trying to close the door on the topic and reassert control, “i am your kind and your father and you will SHOW ME SOME RESPECT” - and arthur was not only having none of it (the way his eyes narrowed as uther’s casual “she was lying”...oh boy) he TURNED THE TABLES and had uther ON THE DEFENSIVE. the number of times we’ve seen uther shut other people down and get his way because he’s king and everyone is afraid of him and this time uther was the one who afraid LITERALLY for his life. HOW’S THAT TASTE BITCH god it was SO satisfying. like, there’s one shot where arthur is walking slowly towards him after all his verbal tactics have failed to de-escalate the situation and he’s in the backround with his eyes so fucking wide and he looks TERRIFIED. i LOVE IT

“you are my son. you would not strike an unarmed man.” “i no longer consider myself your son” AND HE STRIKES HIM

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

when i say that i LITERALLY screamed i am not at all exaggerating or using hyperbole. cathy asked twice if i needed to pause & collect myself. i could not have paused if my life depended on it

i’m really on the fence about merlin stopping arthur. on the one hand, arthur has suffered enough and doesn’t need to suffer more by having to carry the guilt or dadmurder. under the other, uther is a monster and needs to die, and the entire world would be better off without him

like...arthur’s face when he says “you have caused so much suffering and pain”...he really finally got it. for one beautiful brilliant moment he understood

i am NOT on the fence about merlin lying to arthur. that was the wrong way to do it. arthur 6000% deserves to know the truth and that’s only gonna come back and bite them later i’m sure (unless it never comes back at all in which case i’ll be pissed)

i’m not sure that arthur would have backed off if they had told the truth and said “uther didn’t realize your mom was gonna die so really that part wasn’t his fault”...he was really mad! but he might’ve. lying was not the way to go. i’m so angry at literally everyone in that scene for allowing arthur to walk away believing he was wrong. he was so full of conviction and he was about to do a really good thing - not good for him personally, but good for the world - and everyone he trusts lied to his face in order to maintain the status quo and not have to deal with anything ugly. i HATE it. i’m team arthur now. i’m in the arthur defense squad. all those dumb liars aren’t good enough to be his friends!!!!!!

like, even his dad’s words were sooo carefully chosen to avoid lying but also avoid telling the whole truth. even in that moment when arthur was laying it all bare and they could have made some sort of progress as character and as people. we had to go BACK TO THE STATUS QUO

Once Again Arthurs Heart Is Hardened To Magic i hate it thanks

honestly look uther telling arthur that he’s a trusted ally in the fight against magic should make him feel a lot more distressed than what we got. i mean i’m sure he’s glad his cover is safe but he should realize that if uther approves he’s doing something wrong

furthermore, uther hasn’t changed a bit. he says he came to thank merlin and that merlin is a loyal servant and trusted ally, but then threatens his life before he leaves. honestly we should have just let arthur stab him

i do appreciate them making a point of mentioning that merlin was tempted to let uther die and that it would have been better for him if uther HAD died and he only did what he did to protect arthur but like...there were ways to do that that didn’t involve lying i think. this is an optimistic show most of the time. it wouldn’t have messed with my suspension of disbelief if arthur had dropped the sword knowing the real whole truth! but no, The Status Quo

i don’t know if i will still love arthur so much in the coming episodes.................we’ll see. i’m kind of nervous because i don’t know how they’re ever going to top this. i think we peaked right here and it’ll never be this good for me again

#personal #merlin blogging #this is.............literally so long sorry #no one is obligated to read it.#i doubt anyone would get to the end anyway #but i just needed to talk about all 1000000 of my feelings #tldr is im v proud of arthur and very mad at everyone else #which makes ME an annoying arthur stan now. oops!#liz's meta #liz's merlin stuff #not really but this post deserves a spot in the hall of fame #liz makes stuff

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shemakesmeforget · 7 years ago

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25 fics to pick you up

Humor, crack not crack, romcom fics for @cuttlemefishwrites and y’all. I tried to make this list short, I SWEAR idk ENJOY!! Also you can check some other fic recs by moi here, here and here.

(i'm) the boy you'd die for by jenmishe

Canonverse, Rated T, 6K

v-nikiforov ✓

[Video: A short clip where Victor is laying dramatically on the couch with miserable expression. “Heartbreaker” by Marina and the Diamonds is playing.]

13,481 likes

v-nikiforov✓ Am I the another one? (((

vitYASS victor,,,, honey,,,, i lvoe you so much,,,, but WHY are you like this.

red-blue-gay but??? does that mean that somebody has broken victor’s heart???? I DON'T UNDERSTAND

christophe-gc ✓ You’re ridiculous.

starsaregay But who recorded it?? Makkachin???

vityathebabe user @starsaregay asking the real question.

--- The adventures of Yuuri "Heartbreaker" Katsuki, or: how Yuuri became known as a cold player full of himself who doesn't care about anyone. (Hint: it's an anxiety and obliviousness.)

• ADORE!!! oblivious heartbreaker Yuuri + social media fic. The best description is actually one of the tags: everyone is in love with Yuuri: the fic.

He Should Know by Lady_Ganesh

Past Yuuri/Chris, Canonverse, Rated T, 2K

A public service announcement Chris and Yuuri made for the Sochi Olympics comes to light.

• HI HI this speaks to me directly: Viktor is a dork and jealous and Yuuri is precious.... I just love this so much.

Master Plans by Qwertzu (@qwertzu824)

Canonverse ish, Rated T, 17K

Who wouldn't want to date Yuuri and/or Viktor? Nobody is immune to their charm - including random strangers, who unfortunately have no idea the two are happily married and totally smitten with each other...

• This series!!! outsider pov, identity reveal, and the last installment!!!!! I die. You'll laugh and you’ll feel sorry for these people at the same time.

The Way to Life and Love is a Curved Trajectory by crossroadswrite (@crossroadswrite)

Canonverse, Rated T, 5K

“Do you know Katsuki Yuuri?” Victor asks Chris, two minutes later, when he finally manages to convince himself to stop looking at the dip of Katsuki’s back and his powerful thighs in those tight Mizuno track pants, and the way his hands are poised in the air mid-skate, and his slicked back hair and brown eyes and flushed cheeks.

Christophe hums into the phone in a way that suggests he not only knows Katsuki Yuuri but he’s acquainted with him. Chris’ version of acquaintance is very physical and usually involves a healthy amount of groping. “Don’t you?”

“He’s Japan’s Ace,” Victor says, trying to rack his brain for more information. “His step sequence is good?”

Chris hums again. “You’re not that oblivious that you haven’t heard of Unfairly Beautiful Yuuri.”

“Who?”

(Or, the one where Victor falls - literally and then figuratively - for Yuuri. Also something about a Best Ass Poll that is way more official than it should be.)

• Alternate first meeting <3<3<3 you have it all: social media, pining and THAT ASS. I would say 12/10 would read again, but I have already, a bunch of times.

What you should know about dating a man with children by SassySalchow (diedraechin) (@diedraechin)

Canonverse, Rated G, 2K

Based off a tumblr drabble prompt and then grew too big...

"AU scenario where the skaters mistake the triplets for Yuuri's kids when they first meet him, possibly when he brings them to the skater-only area as a b-day treat, or something? (Kudos if you can work in jealous!Victor somehow, but the skaters having a fun reaction would be A+, tbh. Would be lovely if you could include Chris and/or Yurio :D )

• Ahhhhhh my quick fix for whenever I’m feeling down, this Viktor is such a dork and extra, I love him.

5 times Viktor encountered culture shock in Hasetsu + 1 time Yuuri did by forochel (@forochel)

Canonverse, Rated T, 3K

this fic ... basically does what it says on the tin.

• I adore not so smooth Viktor in an environment he can't control (or at least do some research lol), good stuff.

Five Times Chris's Dating Advice Was Ignored By Russian Skaters by liliths

Canonverse, Rated T, 3K

—and one time it wasn't.

Christophe Giacometti. Twenty-five. Cat lover, chocolate eater. Professional Swiss figure skater and confirmed Grand Prix finalist. Running an unofficial dating advice ring for Russian skaters who don't listen to him to begin with. How did his life come to this?

Chris-centric, in which he is done with literally everyone. Except the dog.

• Chris is heaven sent and deserves a medal for dealing with awkward russian skaters.

just like me they long to be by sparklespiff (@todaythesamesky)

Canonverse, Rated T, 3K

"Haven't you noticed that Yuuri gets everything he wants?"

"Everything that's in somebody else's power to give him," Mari says, before Victor can bring up last year's GPF. "He's not magic, just pretty."

"But it's like magic. My theory is that it's because he's sneaky beautiful, so you're not expecting it, and then, under all that stuff, whoa! Gorgeous. And it's too late to save yourself."

"Stuff?" Victor keeps smiling but makes his voice cold, the way he does when reporters overstep. His Yuuri doesn't have stuff. Everything about him is beautiful.

or:

Yuuri lives in a Beautiful Person Bubble. It's Victor's responsibility to make sure he never finds out.

• Again with oblivious heartbreaker Yuuri, this is ridiculously funny. Also, Mari and Phichit??? A++

The Boyfriend Paradox by japansace (@japansace)

Canonverse, Rated T, 3K

For some inexplicable reason, Yuuri speaks Russian.

Now, as everyone knows, there are only two viable reasons why anyone ever learns a foreign language:

1. For school. 2. To impress a foreign love interest.

And Victor can’t quite bring himself to believe that Yuuri would be at all studious enough to hunt down Russian classes in Detroit of all places.

(Or: Victor gets jealous of a boyfriend that doesn’t exist.)

• We all think Yuuri is dense and oblivious but like Viktor is just????? SO BLIND???? it’s adorable.

The Thirst Trap by CharmingMonsters

Canonverse, Rated M, 12K (WIP)

Victor Nikiforov reads Thirst Tweets for a Buzzfeed video; Yuuri is anonymously quoted and wants to die. Phichit makes sure everyone is properly hydrated.

• Awkward meet cute, Yuuri the fanboy, sad pre Yuuri Viktor, hilarious but the feels omg

Giacometti & Co. by Anna (arctic_grey) (@finleighsaid)

Past Viktor/Chris, Past Yuuri/Chris, Canonverse, Rated M, 7K

Against his shoulder and into the fabric of his t-shirt, Yuuri mumbled, “HaveyoueversleptwithChris?”

He choked on his breath. Oh. Uh. “Errrr…” His mind raced. “A little?”

aka the fic where both Viktor and Yuuri have slept with Chris.

• Amazing!! I owe this fic so much! like really, this is cute, fun and jealous Viktor is the cherry on top.

The Early, Awkward Years by Nomanono (@nomanono)

Viktor/Chris, Canonverse, Rated E, 6K

Victor Nikiforov wasn't always smooth and suave. His singular focus on skating created a pronounced inability to people, and Chris winds up bearing the brunt of his sexual incompetence.

• This is beyond funny, I had to stop reading 3 times to properly laugh. Inexperienced, not a playboy Viktor is the best best and Chris tries so hard, poor thing.

it's like you're photoshopped by Metis_Ink

Actors AU, Rated T, 10K

Not-So-Local Ex-Dancer Upsets Coworkers by Failing to Communicate with Celebrity Castmate, details at eleven.

//Yuuri just wants to retire already.

• The actual movie is amazing? the author literally wrote an entire musical for this fic, mad respect. And at some point I cried, legit tears, because I was laughing so hard.

Pinning and Pining by Multiple_Universes (@witharthurkirkland)

Porn actors AU, Rated E, 51K

Victor starts his career as a porn star, working for a studio that has a somewhat… artistic approach to the whole genre. But that’s not the problem. The problem is: he can’t find a way to ask his hot co-star to be his boyfriend.

An AU where Victor and Yuuri are both porn stars who, despite all the hot sex filmed for a ton of movies, still end up in a situation where Yuuri is oblivious and Victor is pining away.

• The porn movies are so cheesy and bad but like artistic so you just laugh and laugh. Viktor is such a softie and there’s so much unresolved romantic tension, a big fave.

though the stars walk backward by alykapedia (@alykapediaaa)

Space AU, Rated T, 8K

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” - E.E. Cummings

Yuuri's only ever wanted to send a message out into the great vastness of space, maybe witness First Contact during his lifetime. He gets his wish. And then some.

• Alien viktor!!! an intergalactic booty call!!! fantastic!

Much Ado About Something by eternalsunshine13, Skowronek (@eternalsunshine13, @kaja-skowronek)

Space AU, Rated T, 33K

By day, Victor Nikiforov is the head of European operations for LearX, a company on the forefront of private space travel. By night, he is makka-baby on Tumblr, a prominent figure in the small but passionate poodle fandom.

By day, Yuuri Katsuki runs F.O.O.L., a subsidiary of Katsuki Enterprises, whose stated goal is to bring LearX down one lawsuit after another. By night, he’s oodlesofpoodles, an active member of the poodle fandom and possibly makka-baby’s biggest fan.

By day, they duke it out in court. By night, they become friends—and maybe something more—as they fall for each other one Tumblr message at a time.

Or: a romantic comedy starring two idiots in love, the Katsuki family, the mothers Nikiforov, the husbands Chulanont-Giacometti, two doggos, six hamsters, one Yurio, and many, many schemes to get our favorite lovebirds together.

• Do they really hate each other?? are they falling in love?? is the tumblr app gonna crash all the damn time? I won't tell, you gotta read this.

The Vastness of Space by shysweetthing (@shysweetthing)

Space AU, Rated E, 16K

As chief communications officer on board the Interstellar Alliance Fleet’s Star Ship Victory, Yuuri doesn’t have to think about who he actually is on his home planet. He just has to listen to his captain, do his job, and…not fall in love with his best friend, the ship’s science officer, Victor Nikiforov.

Well. Two out of three’s not bad.

Then his mother calls with the worst possible news: She, the Empress of New Nihon, has arranged Yuuri’s marriage. There’s only one thing Yuuri can do: Fake a boyfriend, and fake one fast. Who better/worse to play that role than the friend he wishes was more? What can go wrong? It’s not like Yuuri can fall more in love...

• Mutual pining, fake dating and arranged marriage AND SPACE UGHHH all my weak spots. So sweet and good and the writing is on point, i cry.

The Unknown Unknown by opalish

Superpowers AU, Rated T, 7K

Yuuri never meant to become a supervillain. These things just happen to him.

• One of the funniest fics I’ve ever read, the author has the best comic timing and this fic is beyond me like I practically laughed the whole time.

Dr. Shiny and the Case of the Beautiful Man by ShatteredPrism (@etherealalchemist)

Doctors AU, not rated, 6K

There are about five things that Victor, in this very moment, is absolutely sure of.

1. The spawns of satan are here 2. they are not accompanied by their angel of a mother 3. they are with the most beautiful man he's ever seen 4. his scrubs are wet from where he'd dropped water on himself 5. and Victor is very, very gay.

Emphasis on point five, with a side of cupid's arrow and "ba-dum ba-dum" on a plate.

Because he is Very Gay, and not only is he Very Gay but he is also Hopelessly Attracted to a man who is undoubtedly Very Straight and very Unavailable and is perhaps the Most Beautiful Man Victor has ever seen.

---

in which Victor is a doctor, Yuuri is a godfather, and Yuri just wants some peace and quiet and a larger stash of lollipops.

• So pure and fun and Viktor is so so so extra.

pass that dutch by kiaronna (@kiaronna)

High School/Mean Girls AU, Rated T, 5K

Maybe Viktor shouldn't have watched Mean Girls before he started his first day of high school in the United States, but he can't help it if he is suddenly inducted into his high school's very fashionable, Instagram-obsessed royalty. He can't help falling in love with the cute soccer player in his literature class, either. Even if he's supposed to be off limits.

• This captures the feel of the movie just right and Viktor is a mess, it’s just so cute.

esnake artist by sizhu (@sizhu)

Neighbors AU, Rated T, 1K

Yuuri meets the disarmingly attractive neighbor from upstairs, courtesy of Phichit forgetting to feed their scale baby.

Snakes like to go on adventures, too.

• Sassy Yuuri defending his reptile baby, a blessing.

all the types of dating by igneousbitch (@makkachinning)

Geology AU, Rated E, 8K

The only type of dating geologists are good at is radioactive carbon-dating. The rest goes completely over their heads.

(Viktor and Yuuri are geology professors leading a field course in Western Australia. Chaos ensues.)

Alfred shifts awkwardly. Looks at Viktor and Yuuri, and asks, “So, uh. Are you guys dating?”

Yuuri greatly misunderstands, and Viktor panics.

Of course we are, Yuuri says. Rather critically, he thinks to himself: why else would he be here, in the scorching, godforsaken heat, surrounded by a hundred kilos of rock, if not for the purpose of radiometric dating?

• I have no idea about geology and I still enjoyed this AU a lot, they’re pining so hard and ugh friends to lovers, my kryptonite.

Unconventional by so_shhy

Fandom AU, Rated M, 4K

After freezing up in front of his idol at a comic con panel, Yuuri decides that he needs an awful lot of alcohol to get over the embarrassment. It is a decision he will regret.

The fandom AU I can’t believe I wrote, featuring movie star!Victor Nikiforov and fanfic author!Yuuri Katsuki.

• So much second hand embarrassment but in a fun way, just brilliant.

If you can't take the heat... by mtothedestiel (@summersteve)

Reality show/Chef AU, not rated, 81K (WIP)

Stay tuned, coming up next it's Top Chef: International! Join thirteen chefs from around the globe as they battle it out for glory and prizes in the one and only New York City (and share all their innermost thoughts along the way!) Who will emerge victorious, and who will burn out?? Heartwarming triumphs, devastating eliminations, and even ~forbidden romance~ are all coming your way on this showstopping season of Top Chef!

• The script format threw me off for some time until I decided to read it and omg?? what a fool I’ve been for so long!!! this is incredible and well researched and makes me hungry all the damn time.

Coming Home Again by carafin (@carafinn)

Roommates AU, Rated T, 10K

Yuuri, given to periodic bouts of paranoia, would often wonder if Viktor is, in fact, a Russian drug lord on the loose, seeking refuge in a nondescript town in America. This would explain a manner of things: his evasiveness whenever probed about his job; the way he’d unpredictably throw out incisive, thoughtful commentary about the morning news over breakfast; his expensive tastes in shirts, watches, and wallets alike; why he’d want to stay here with Yuuri, of all places, when the contents his wardrobe alone could probably afford him a year-long stay at any condominium of his choice in the trendiest part of town.

And then he goes on to discover that Viktor actually has a premium account on club penguin, and that his five penguins are named Peanut Wigglebutt, Luke skyhopper, Zing Zing, Otto Von Longdong, and Mooshoo Vegetable, and beats the idea to death in his head.

• High quality hyper realistic amazing Yuuri the medical student being a mess, Viktor being a mystery but still a dork. Cute romance!!

#yuri on ice #fic rec #yoi fic rec #it's incredibly difficult to not rec z her own stuff #chel fic recs

153 notes · View notes

my-never-ending-nightmare · 3 years ago

Text

04/07/2022

*This’ll be a long one but it needs to be said because if I look anything like how I feel then I must be turning purple like a grape because I feel like I’m going to pop if I don’t get this off my chest rn*

OK, it’s official. After all the shit that went down last month I can take on anything. Or, at least, take on anything without drinking, that is. Seriously, 5 months of sobriety under my belt but none have tested my commitment to abstaining from what was once my favourite pastime more than March did. So what exactly happened? Well, honestly, I don’t even know where to begin… perhaps with an apology, first. I’m not egotistical enough to actually think that any of ya’ll follow me for these types of posts. And the few of you who do actually read these must feel that bearing witness to the inner workings of my mind is more of a hindrance to following me than it is a benefit. So how you all put up with that shit is beyond me. Because last month it got bad. And I don’t know how I made it through without losing more than one follower. So thanks for sticking around – and I’m sorry I’m like this.

That having been said… I hope you can forgive me for hitting ya’ll with another big wall of text that you gotta scroll past – because there’s even more shit I need to get off my chest. Albeit in a much more refined & thought out sort of way. It may not end up being very elegant, but I’m just hoping it doesn’t turn out to be too crude, either.

The first day of March really set the tone for how the rest of the month was going to go when my beloved vehicle was absolutely totalled after a woman introduced the frontend of her SUV to the grill of my car. That hit me hard, honestly. (Pun intended) I really loved that car, and while I didn’t have it very long I was fortunate enough to have created so many amazing memories in & involving it that my honest to god first reaction after the airbag caused my brain to reboot was that’s one less thing that will never be the same – one less connection I have to the past. One less thing I wasn’t able to maintain. That’s what hurt the most about it all – the sudden realization that all those aforementioned memories will forever just be that: memories. No more reliving or recreating them. They’re firmly in the past now. Along with that car.

Major bummer.

But things began to pick up a lil’ after that – not only was I able to replace my car with the exact same car I had, but the new one has all the upgrades and bonus features that my old one lacked. Plus this new one is in better condition, too. So that’s pretty based, if I do say so myself. (I do) But all that was only made possible because, for the first time in a long time, I finally got a job that I’m actually proud of & enjoy doing. And for a while there it really felt like that was the last piece of the puzzle that I was missing. The last thing I needed in order to feel whole & complete. So much so that it doesn’t even really seem fair, honestly. I’ve got the best salary I’ve ever had in my life but I can’t quite shake the nagging feeling that I don’t deserve it. Like, I have a friend who’s worked the same retail job for what’s got the be close to a decade now and in that time he’s managed to work his way up from part time to full time and then finally made it to manager and yet he still makes less than me at my entry level position. And idk how he does it. Because the cost of living these days is absurd & only going to continue to get worse. So if I’m stressing then I can only imagine how he must feel. He committed so much of his life and energy to that store and they valued it enough to put him in charge of some shit but not enough to actually pay him enough to survive on his own two feet without needing someone else to help split the bills. But that’s preciously why I hate retail jobs. Seriously, the best advice I could give anyone is get the fuck out of that environment before you wake up one morning realizing that the best years of your life are all gone and you have nothing to show for it other than the fact that you’re still alive and not entirely dependent on handouts. That shit will drain the life right out of you. And I can’t tell you how good it feels to have a job where you actually feel like you make a difference and aren’t easily replaceable. Or at least one that pays you enough to make you feel like that lol. But finding such a job is much easier said than done, I suppose. And I’m off on a tangent now, because what I’m trying to say is that March wasn’t all bad – but as you’ll see it was mostly bad.

Because sometime in the middle of the month came the news that somebody I’ve known since like 2016 (although never been particularly close to) has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. And this came at a time when I was once again seriously anxious (maybe even paranoid) about my own health and how I’ve just taken it for granted that I’m alive & well without being dependent on the health care system/pharmaceutical industry to survive. Like, I don’t mean to make his diagnosis about me – but prior to it I had already started to realize just how fortunate I am to not have my own body sabotaging my only chance at life. Which in turn makes me afraid that my prior arrogant belief in my own invincibility means that later on down the road karma will make me pay for it. Like, just because my genetics aren’t naturally sabotaging me doesn’t mean that in lieu of that I should be trying to artificially sabotage myself through my own actions and choices – which is what you’d think I’ve been trying to do if you knew anything about my life. So I need to make multiple, serious lifestyle changes before it’s too late. Once again, thanatophobia has reintroduced itself into my life and made me realize that it’s not just enough to be thankful for how lucky I’ve been because I need to take active steps to maintain my health – not just appreciate it. But the anxiety tells me that it might just be too late & that the damage is already done. So… I think I just might make a serious attempt at quitting smoking rather soon. The antithesis of anxiety is action, after all…

But then, right at the height of all this, I received confirmation that things were truly over between myself and somebody who I had desperately hoped to make things work with. And because of that I spent two entire days completely bedridden & overwhelmed with a level of grief that not even death has shown me (yet) *knocks on wood* and the only thing that got me back up again was work. I get to go to work. I don’t have to go to work. There’s a difference, and I’m lucky. That’s what I’ve been telling myself lately, at least. But it felt like I had lost my purpose and that I was no longer living – just filling time. I felt lost. And alone. But I realize now what I didn’t know then: I spent 5 months trying to build myself up into a more stable, responsible, and dependable person so that when this other person finally came back to me I would be the best possible version of me so that they’d never again feel the need to leave. But this person spent that 5 months creating a life with someone new so that they’d never have to come back to me at all. And realizing that really rocked my world & pulled the rug out from under me because for once in my life I had a goal in sight – something that made all the effort worth it. But now it’s gone. And I realize now that it’s all my fault – because they warned me that they weren’t coming back, they told me that I was in denial about things but I just didn’t listen. I chose to keep dreaming instead of waking up & facing reality. And everything I’ve achieved between then & now I achieved with just one goal in mind: turning that dream into reality. I still remember this person floating the idea of us getting our own place together – and that was my dream. That was my reason for everything I’ve accomplished. But the dreams over now. I was delusional. And while I still feel like I wasted all that time, I know that I have nobody to blame for that but myself. Because I was accomplishing all these things for the wrong reasons. I should have been doing these things for myself, but instead I was doing them for somebody else. In retrospect it seems so silly of me to have clung to that hope for so long – but there were enough things that remained unbeknownst to me regarding the whole situation that I had just enough room to continue believing that this person would actually come back. So I’m thankful to know the things that I know now because I don’t think I ever would have found any closure without it. It’s over. I know that now. This person has moved on. And they’re happy with the way their new relationship is going – even if I think it’s going there too quickly. I always cared about our own relationship more than they did, which is no fault of theirs – it’s just the way it is. But I hope this new one works out for them. Because that’s all I needed for closure. To know that it was over & that I’m no longer needed. I just wish this person knew how much I appreciate them finally providing me with that. Because they probably think that I’m brokenhearted over it – and they’d be right. But what they don’t know is that it’s entirely my fault and my fault alone. Or, more accurately, they probably don’t know that I know that. I chose to keep believing. I chose not to listen when they said goodbye. I kept waiting. And I’ll still keep waiting, too. But at least now I know to hope – not expect. Because if they could see me now that I’ve quit drinking and reoriented myself & my priorities I know they wouldn’t recognize me. And I mean that in the best way possible. For the first time I my life I know who I am now. And I know who I’m not. Before I was an alcoholic. But now I’m just me. And now that my life no longer revolves around alcohol I’m truly free to passionately be who I’m meant to be. So I’ll always wonder how different things could have been if only this person had the chance to meet me instead of the alcoholic that they knew – because I’ll go to my grave knowing in my heart of hearts that if only I could have taken the place of the alcoholic that they knew then they would have found in me something that cannot ever be replaced: a soul just as quirky & unique as their own - and one that loves them more than any other ever will.

Albeit one that waited far too late to reveal itself.

I just can’t seem to escape all the reminders of what used to be that always give rise to dreams of what could have been. I really hate that spring has kicked into gear so early this year, because with summer right around the corner it made the previous summer seem all the more close. If that makes any sense. I let it lull my into the false belief that this summer would be the same. Or better. But it won’t be. It can’t be. It never will be again. But those were the best days of my life, and because of that I can’t even enjoy the recent warm, sunny weather because it feels like nature is just mocking & teasing me by reminding me of all that was and could have been. I really wasn’t in a good place in my life last summer. Which is ironic because those were beyond a shadow of a doubt the best days of my life. Literally. But my life wasn’t whole back then. I wasn’t complete. I wasn’t me. I was still an addict. And I still wasn’t making any progress towards anything positive nor going anywhere respectable with my life because of it. Alcohol was holding me back from what I wanted and only giving me things I didn’t want. I could never have achieved my dreams the way I was last summer. But it was the closest I’ve ever been to making them a reality & having everything I’ve ever wanted out of life: somebody to share it with. Somebody who makes all the tedious monotony of everyday regular life worth it. Because in those days I realized for the first time in my life that I could settle for something less than living the special, extraordinary life that I had always wanted – that instead I could settle for something average & boring – because it would have been neither of those things if I had only had this person by my side. Like, as far back as I can remember I’ve always wanted more out of life than most people seem to – and I could never understand how so many people can live such dull, uninteresting & forgettable lives. I wanted to experience the things that 99% of people never will. And, in a lot of ways, I already have quite a bit of that under my belt. But I wanted more. Until, that is, last summer when that switched and for the first time ever I wanted nothing more than the same thing that 99% of people experience: love, companionship, & family. Wanting to die young & alone became wanting to grow old with this person because they’re the only one who’s ever replaced my fear of outliving the people I love with the fear of abandoning the people I love. And for the first time I felt like I could be perfectly content to work a regular 9 – 5 boring ass job for the rest of my days while only ever living vicariously thru TV, movies, video games etc. like everyone else seems content to do instead of actually going out and experiencing things that very few others ever will. I don’t think I’ll ever find that again with anybody else. Because in my time on this planet I’ve already experienced far more than most people ever will - but it’s left its mark on me. And I fear that it’s preciously because of that mark that I’m being held back from ever achieving anything less than a lonely albeit unique existence. After this person left I don’t think there will ever again be somebody who can see me for who I truly am yet appreciate me anyway. Because despite everything I said in the previous paragraph this person still knew me better than anybody else ever has. Or ever will again. Because I don’t think I’m ever going to find somebody else that I’m comfortable exposing myself to in the same way that I exposed my soul to this person. They knew so much about me. Things nobody else has ever known, or ever will again. Things that are so personal & private that the only thing I find more unbelievable than the fact that I had the courage to show them is the fact that they liked what they saw when I did. Like, I’ll never forget where we were when this person reminded me about the time in my childhood when my grandpa tasked me with killing this raccoon that had been fucking up his garden - but when I got the lil’ feller in my sights (literally) I couldn’t do it & instead spared him and then pretended I never saw him at all. Literally, I still remember every detail about where we were and what we were doing when this person brought it up – right down to what song was playing & what we were talking about immediately prior (my old YouTube channel) because it absolutely floored me that this person knew that about me. It’s not a story I’ve ever shared with anyone IRL. Ever. Until this person. And I completely forgot that I did until they reminded me. But what blew my mind even more than the fact that they knew about that time in my life was the fact that they seemingly viewed it as a positive testament to my character. My entire life I had viewed that one moment as being a result of my weakness rather than my strength. Until this person made me realize that it was something I could feel proud of – not ashamed. It was one of the most heartwarming moments of my life. And I’ll never forget it. Because it was the first time that anybody has ever made me feel like it was ok to actually be me.

But having such a photographic memory is just as much a curse as it is a blessing. Because everywhere I go I’m reminded of this person. Like, driving has been my new favorite pastime since I quit drinking but it’s all but entirely ruined now because it’s what we used to love doing together – so everywhere I go triggers something that brings me right back to those days that I wish had never ended. It wasn’t so bad when I still believed those days were coming back because not only was it nice to relive such fond memories but it was also so comforting to daydream about all the future memories that I hoped we would create together. I truly believed that this summer would be one of unlimited possibilities for us now that I actually have a solid income & am no longer shackled or restrained by any sort of restrictions on what I can do. But now everywhere I go I’m just reminded of what I lost: someone who is as different from everyone else as I am. From how picky we are with food to our sense of humor to even the things that catch our eye & attract us. They were by far the most unique person I’ve ever met. And they reminded me so much of myself. I could truly see so much of me in this person. If that makes any sense. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think we’re kindred spirits. And, if I believed in such things, I’d probably even go so far as to say that we’re soul mates. Because I know I’m never going to find another person that I’d ever feel comfortable calling a partner. There was a chemistry between us that I’ll never experience again because I’m too different to be compatible with anybody other than them. And I’ll always think that, no matter what. Even if they don’t see it themselves. Because I know that they saw something in me. Something that I didn’t see myself. Something that I only discovered once I quit drinking: the man that I’m capable of being – not the man I was. Why else would they have continued to give me so many chances despite everything over the course of all those years we knew each other? But I waited until it was too late before I found the courage to become the person I am today: somebody who would make them proud. And knowing that they’d be proud if they saw me now was the fuel that kept me going. Now it’s just depressing knowing that this person remains in the past and is nowhere to be seen in the future… yet still I hope. Despite everything I’ll always have that hope that I’ll see them again. Because I’m always going to believe that they made a mistake in ending things when they did. A mistake I forced them to make. But a mistake nonetheless. And I know it was a mistake because I know what this person doesn’t know: that I’m no longer the man they wanted to leave, but rather the man that they kept coming back to. And I know that if they ever did come back then they’d never want to leave again. Because the man they only got glimpses of before is now the only man I am. I’m no longer drowning him in alcohol. I’m no longer distracted. I no longer have anything to hide. There’s nothing about myself that I’m ashamed of these days – besides the fact that it took me so long to reach this point. I’m proud of myself for the first time in my life. And I know they would be, too.

It was right around this time, as I was still busy processing all the shit I’ve already mentioned, that I got hit with even more heartache: my absolute best friend in the world is moving pretty far away from me. And this news hit me hard. Much harder than I ever would have anticipated. After all the shit that went down last month it was this one, simple thing that proved to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I really fell apart after that. Mentally, at least. And I couldn’t quite figure out why. Because it should have been good news. I should have been happy for them. But instead I was absolutely devastated. And as far as I can tell that’s because it brought me such comfort & peace of mind knowing that they were close because then I always knew where I could find them. Like, this is going to sound silly, but even if a solar flare took out all of the world’s technology and instantly reverted us all back to the 19th century (or worse) then I wouldn’t even need a phone or the internet to keep this friend in my life because I knew where they lived and thus knew where to mail a letter. Or if the apocalypse itself hit and I somehow found myself among the survivors then I’d always know where to go to see if my best friend survived, too. Like, I think everyone keeps a mental map of where their loved ones are at any given time – and even if it’s not entirely accurate they at least know where to look for them if they need to. Now my maps got one less person on it. And for the first time ever they feel so very far away from me. And that hurts. There’s just some things that I thought would never change, I guess. And my best friend living close to me was one of them. And, if I’m being honest, their home was always somewhere that I felt more comfortable & safe than I have in any place that I’ve actually called home. So just like my old car I feel like I’ve now lost something that I’ll never get back: the possibility of reliving so many fond memories. Oh well. Like I said, this hit me hard – much harder than it probably should have. It’s not like this friend and I even really talk anymore. But knowing they were close always left the door open on the possibility that we would. Now it feels like that door has slammed shut. So I just hope that they’re not moving for the wrong reasons. Like, I should be happy for them because this is a sign that they’ve finally managed to pull themselves out of the miserable situation they were in. It always depressed the hell out of me thinking about this friend just stuck at their mothers house wasting away in their room, letting life pass them by because they’re so hopelessly in love with someone (or more accurately something. Something that never actually existed) that it’s stolen their ability to actually enjoy their life. I know what that feeling is like. So to know that my friend has finally broken out of it is such good news… but I can’t help but wonder if they’re doing it for the right reasons or not. Like, as far as I understand the situation they’re making a huge commitment. And I’m not talking about just signing a lease. But rather a commitment that involves connecting their life to that of another’s. I can only think of two other kinds of commitments that one could make to somebody that are more serious. And I would never make the 1st one unless I was dead serious about the next two. And if my friend is then it’s a hell of a thing to decide within half a year of meeting someone. Like, the fact that they’re making such a commitment to somebody they’ve only known for such a short amount of time is honestly astonishing to me. I know how much they valued the comfort of having their own space that they’re both familiar with & can be alone in, so the fact that they’d sacrifice that so quickly is just mind boggling to me. I don’t even understand how it would all work, either. Like, one thing I keep thinking about is the fact that they have their own vehicle but no license and were thus entirely dependent on the person they lived with to get to work. So unless they’re driving illegally now (which would shock me even more than the move) then I don’t know if this whole thing has been entirely thought out. The part that makes me happy about all of this is the thought that they’re finally achieving independence, but what worries me is the thought that they are just switching who it is that they’re dependent on. And I’m concerned that they’re rushing far too quickly into something that will be extremely difficult to walk back out of. As I said, huge commitment. So I hope they’re making it because this is what they truly want and not just because it seems convenient & exciting in a spur of the moment sort of way. If it is what they truly want then I hope it’s what they want forever, not just right now. Because if they change their mind down the road it would be a hell of a mess to deal with afterwards. If they’re only moving in order to distract themselves from the aforementioned love they have for someone else then I honestly don’t think it’s going to work out well for them. But that’s only because I’ve been there, and it didn’t work for me when I tried running away from it, either. So I hope my friend is dead serious about this person and that they’re not just a distraction or good at making them feel wanted. Because things could get so messy. And I can’t imagine the stress of trying to get back out of such a situation. But, then again, I don’t even know anything about the situation I’m talking about lol. I wish I could just talk to them instead of talking to myself publicly here like this, but I already blew that. They rather selflessly gave me the opportunity to ask them some of the questions I have and I could have found out how they’re doing, how they’re feeling. But instead I selfishly took the opportunity to tell them how I’m doing & how I’m feeling. Because like I said, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And I wasn’t thinking too clearly by that point because I was so self-absorbed and frantic regarding how I felt. I wish I could apologize for that because I realize now that the way I initially reacted to the news wasn’t out of concern…but rather because I was jealous. Jealous because I feel left behind. And now that I think about it… that’s what a lot of my problems last month can be boiled down to – jealously. Jealously of one thing or another was the driving factor behind a lot of what happened; from the things I already wrote about last month to the things I’m only writing about now. But if I could just say this to my friend instead of saying it here to myself then I’d just hope that they know that despite my concerns I’m so very proud of them. And in spite of my jealously I’m happy for them. Because their happiness is a source of my happiness. So that’s what I hope this move brings them: happiness - not regret.

But what’s the point of all of this? What am I trying to say? Well, if I had to sum it up instead of writing this excruciatingly long post (don’t ya wish I had just done that to begin with?) then I’d probably say this: last month was the most difficult one I’ve been through since I quit drinking. So the fact that I made it thru it without letting a drop of alcohol touch my lips proves that I’m a lot stronger than I’d ever give myself credit for. But just because I didn’t fall apart completely doesn’t mean that the cracks didn’t begin to show. I let my emotions get the better of me. Nowhere was that more apparent than here on this blog. Like, normally these sorts of posts take me weeks of thinking about a topic before I actually try to write anything – with lots of editing & proof reading before I post it. Other times, like today, its more spur of the moment. But towards in the end of March I began just spewing out my every unfiltered, unrestrained thought as if it were my last chance ever to say the things I needed to say. I was frantic. Because it feels like things have changed more in the last 5 months since I quit drinking than they did in the entire 5 years prior to that. And so I was desperately, frantically trying to stop things from changing. Instead of me coming here to hold these public therapy sessions I have with myself I started coming here to rant & rave like a madman because in so doing I honestly thought that I might discover the right combination of words to stop everything from changing so much. And in general I just felt like I had such a finite amount of time to say everything I needed to say…but I didn’t. I have the rest of my life to. So I really do think what drove me so mad was thinking that there was something I could say that would preserve the way things were during better times in my life. Hell, even me buying that new car was a desperate attempt to rebuild the past rather than create a new future. I didn’t know how to just take a step back and chill until I had collected my thoughts because it was my own mind that I needed to take a step back from. And in the past it’s always been alcohol that I’ve used for that. So I was a little bit overwhelmed without it.

I was just desperate for things to stay the same.

Because there’s so much comfort in what’s familiar.

Although the majority of the problems I was dealing with were problems of my own creation. Last summer were the happiest days of my life and I so badly clung to the hope that I could return to those days – so much so that I spent all that time between then & now trying to become the best version of me possible so that when those days returned they could last forever. But now I realize they aren’t coming back. And I was doing all of this for all of the wrong reasons. I was living in a fantasy of my own creation - and I broke my own heart because of it. I was out in space as life passed me by here on earth, and I damn near burnt right up in the atmosphere as I came crashing back down to a planet it felt like I could no longer recognize. And without even my best friend still being there to greet me I felt so alone & lost because of it. It felt like all my hopes & dreams were gone in the blink of an eye, leaving me without an end goal in sight that would make all the pain of existence worth it. But I know now that that’s only because my hopes & dreams were entirely unrealistic. I should have known that then. But at least I know it now. Better late than never… right?

I know that I’ll be alright now. No matter what happens. Spring is here & the earth is waking up – and I’m waking up along with it. So just like the flowers I’ll continue to blossom into who & what I’m meant to be. But I’d be a liar if I said it isn’t a painful process.

Because I hate change.

And I know it’s going to be such a lonely summer.

#blog #journal

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voulezvous-rpg · 7 years ago

Photo

Congratulations, V! You’ve been accepted as your original character, The Flickering Candle — Lilou Song, with a face claim of Lee Se Young!

I’m thrilled to welcome a dancer and courtesan who’s here because of need, not because of desire. Lilou is such a heartbreakingly selfless character, one whose inner light has always gone to others before it’s gone to herself. To have done so for so long, and still feel the sting of loss again and again, makes it no wonder that light is beginning to fade. In a beautiful opposition to the handful of dancers we have who are aspiring to be courtesans, I’m very excited by the prospect of one who’s on the precipice of wanting out. Her bitter vulnerability and position within the club make for so many possibilities, and I’m so excited to welcome both you and this beautiful woman to the dash!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name/Alias: V.

Pronouns: she/her

Age: 22

Timezone & Activity: est // i’m finishing up my last semester at uni, so until the end of may my activity will be on the lower side of the scale. i would say it fits around 6/10

IN CHARACTER

Character Group: Dancer/Coutesan

Character Title: The Flickering Candle

Name: Lilou Song

FC: Lee Se Young

Pronouns: she/her

Age: 24

Occupation: Dancer & Courtesan

How long has your character been around the Moulin Rouge? Whether working or visiting, how much time has your character spent around the club? Lilou has been employed as a dancer at the Moulin Rouge for two years.

How did the fire impact your character? Directly or indirectly, how did the fire affect your character? What are their thoughts regarding the aftermath and the club’s reopening? Lilou was heavily impacted by the fire due to the Moulin Rouge being her only place of employment at the time of the fire. She had great difficulty finding any different work before the reopening, so she was desperate to thrust herself back into work.

Biography:

.i.

You are in a room, your reflection in the mirror across from you. The lips part, and something vile drips from its mouth. Your hands tighten to a fist, and you strain yourself not to break the glass. It would be nice, though, to sense pierced skin, and blood dripping over knuckles, to know the illusion shattered (because it is an illusion, not reality, it cannot be r e a l i t y )

The reflection closes its eyes, no longer you, and yet all of you. A breeze sweeps between the both of you, and you squint against the bite of cold. Lips part again, and suddenly, you are facing your mother. And when you reach for him, she is cold to the touch.

Do you love yourself? she asks.

You awake, and tears stream down your face.

( you never have an answer, do you? )

.ii.

Your father stumbles through the door again, the stench of alcohol stumbling in with him, and you with narrowed eyes how he makes a fool of himself when he wobbles into his room. Your mother is in the corner sewing another hole in your smock closed, and her eyes are quickly close shut at the sound of your father disposing of the evening meal you all shared hours before.

“To bed,” she tells you, as if you have your own room, as if you all live in an actual house that doesn’t shake in the wind, as if it’s a place to shield you from the cold, as if this is a home and not hell.

It’s not her fault, though, because she tries and tries and tries; she is the strongest person in the household to shoulder the weight of your father and what you need. So you stand and softly make your way to her, grabbing her hand and asking, “What can I do?”

Your mother deserves more than this country can offer her, and the least you can do is lift her burden ever so slightly.

.iii.

( she sings you a lullaby and you find yourself drifting on a river, and your heart no longer feel as if it will burst from your chest. she digs her hand into your mind, asks you to release your anger to be a light in the world, to shine for others, and oh, oh you want to tell her you will always keep your light burning. )

((( but you know. oh, you know. )))

.iv.

Your father’s haegeum has been untouched for so long that when you first open the case, the hinges creak in the most awful of noises. When you pluck the strings, the sickening feeling of hearing something unnatural fills your veins.

You shut the case, and try to forget the moment.

But you come back, in the quiet moments when your mother has fallen asleep in her chair, and unveil the violin to the sunlight. You never play it; you don’t know how, and your father is never around to ask. But you trace your fingers along its shape, and the silent music rests in your heart.

It is a comfort, admiring something you one day hope to play yourself.

And then, one day, it disappears, and when your father returns with more food than normal (and more alcohol, always, always more alcohol), your face contorts into something ugly. You refuse to eat, and turn your face to the wall when you meet your mother’s worried gaze in the darkness.

Everything is fleeting. And it’s a lesson you cannot swallow.

.v.

First, it’s your father. Chills, a hacking cough, and the acknowledgment of death presses against your chest. It is quick, the moment of his first shaky breath to his harrowing last.

Your mother isn’t granted the same decency.

It is long hours of sitting beside her, your hand in hers, willing and praying that she will last another night. You cannot bear to leave the house, but you must to scrounge what little money you can gather. It’s not enough, never enough, and you are desperate as you witness your mother withering away.

And there are thoughts of what else you could do, wretched ones that you refuse to stoop yourself to. She asked you to keep your light shining, and selling yourself, no, no you cannot and will not.

But when your mother needs medication and food the most, there is no money left, and you run through the streets, tears brimming at your eyes because why was it her, why your mother, why wasn’t it you?

And suddenly, there, in the lights, the sound of laughter and coins being exchanged. Before you unravels a space you’ve always heard of, always avoided at your mother’s frown, and you launch yourself toward the Moulin Rouge.

Please, you beg, please.

.vi.

The lights expose your mistakes, and the choreographer chides you for yet another night. Minette is suddenly there, though, planting a kiss on your cheek, telling you to smile for it’s like the moon in the black sky, the candle in the windowsill offering distant comfort. And you do smile, because your mother would have wanted you to — and you want to smile. You do.

She survived another four months because of this place., because of what you committed yourself to. And that’s something — that’s everything.

I do hope you stay, darling, Minette throws over her shoulder as she turns away.

I will, you respond. I will.

.vii.

( it is poison, this place, what you do because there is nothing left for you. you would be insane to leave when you are able to feed yourself, take care of yourself, live for yourself because of this place.

but you are losing yourself all the same, feeling the flame within you D I E. you are tempted by everything your mother would have wept over. and you don’t want to stay, you don’t want to smile, you don’t want this.

how can you be a light for others, if you can’t even be a light for yourself? )

Potential Plot Points:

I do believe it’s pretty obvious Lilou is at the Moulin Rouge out of necessity and that she doesn’t exactly like being there, which certainly doesn’t ring true for plenty of the people who are within its walls. It would be interesting to see how others react to that; are suspicions raised about her because of her dislike? Do people think she started the fire? Why would she return then? I think there are plenty of dynamics to play on that.

She is right on the cliff’s edge of a point of no return, so who’s going to tempt her into darkness and extinguish that candle’s flame or who will help it still burn throughout her life? I see her going either way, and I would love to see which side kind of wins.

She is genuine, she is kind, but there is a bitterness underlying all of that, and it can be easily misunderstood. Who will fight through that to be her friend? She just needs a good solid friend, whether it be another dancer. staff member, or patron.

She hates, hates, hates being a courtesan, but the extra money patrons will slip her is much needed. But what if a patron angers her to a point she withdraws as a courtesan? Idk, I think a scenario like that could unravel into something much bigger down the line ( exactly what, i’m unsure, but the possibilities ).

FREESTYLE

~ quotes

“you are a shared secret kept between cupped hands; you are the first drizzle of spring, the laughter-filled nights of summer. (there is static in your head and in your heart— breathe, and remember that you are more than what your reflection tells you.)”

“Your only problem, perhaps, is that you scream without letting yourself cry.”

“You aren’t a caged bird,  you’re not as trapped as you feel.  You’re not as alone as you assume.  I promise.”

“I want to rest. I want to breathe quietly again.”

❝ you were unsure which pain is worse: the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will. ❞

❝ because sometimes chance and circumstance can seem like the most appalling injustice, but we just have to adapt. that’s all we can do ❞

❝ life sometimes seems like nothing more than a series of losses, from beginning to end. that’s the given. how you respond to those losses, what you make of what’s left, that’s the part you have to make up as you go. ❞

#accepted #accepted: the flickering candle

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floofyeol · 8 years ago

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WIP Tag

I was tagged by the lovely @vonseok!!

I have so many unfinished drafts in google docs tbh..and Idk if i’m going to continue them all. So I’m gonna post some stuff that I think I might post someday?? Idk man I’m so undecisive...

how to kill a man

genre: au, fluff, angst

summary: how do you kill a man, you ask? give him the one person he could love more than anyone or anything, and tell him he can’t love them.

I’ve never hated anything before. But now I know I’ll never hate anything else as much as I hate what life has made us to be. Ever since that day we were on the beach—the sand in your hair, waves washing between your feet, and my fingers filling the space between your fingers my hands are meant to hold yours, I’ve never been more sure of anything else and the sunset as our witness.

I was 22 and in love.

You were 19 when you told me you were too.

But now you’re 21 without me by your side.

I’m 24 and slowly dying inside.

— Not a day goes by where I stopped thinking of you. I am incomplete and lost and scared, and gosh I really need you but I can’t stay with you Kim Taehyung

the crack of a door

genre: neighbor!au, fluff, slight angst

summary: [Name] can’t stand summer, or its heat. when she opens her door in hopes to make her apartment cooler, she didn’t think the neighbor adjacent to her will do too. and so, their opened doors became the stepping stone as they got to know each other. he’s loud and funny, with a really cute dog and great taste in music. that’s all that he is, she says. that is, until his door closes on her.

Now, it all began on the first week of this year’s summer. The sweltering heat created a rather stuffy atmosphere that neither apartment neighbor can bear. She was the first to think of opening the door and inviting the fresh air in her apartment.

Chanyeol just happened to pass by one day while her door was open, stinky and sticky after a day outside with his friends. He too desired fresh air, and as one door open, so did the other just across from it. Pretty soon, they could hear each other’s music and little hums playing from across them, then the small exchange of quips and comments started, quickly followed by shy flirting and jokes. And now, entering the first month of summer, they have established themselves as more than just neighbors.

“Sure thing, Chanyeol.” She smiles, playing along with his little game.

Though there’s a distance between them as they filter through each other’s lives in their respective apartments, Chanyeol can still spot the smile she’s trying to hide. His one eyebrow is drawn up, confused, but in a pleasant way, at the way she smiles.

“Well, someone’s in an awfully good mood. And as I recall it, it’s summer, so something must be up for you to be smiling like that at—” he glances at the clock hanging on his wall, “10 AM? Wow.” He chuckles when she turns to him with a less than pleased frown.

Though he’s right, [Name] doesn’t need to further inflate his ego or make her growing crush on him more apparent. So she can only flip him off with a stick of his tongue.

the bones beneath your skin

genre: bodyguard!au, fluff, angst

summary: do kyungsoo is cursed with never being able to feel someone else’s skin under his touch without decreasing their life span. it’s not a surprise that he’s distant, cold, and has an odd taste for thick and black clothing which he always wear (even in summer). when he got a job as an actress’ bodyguard, he realizes his mistake too late when she began harboring an obvious crush on him, and his lonely heart inevitably reciprocates her.

“Hey, Kyungsoo.” As he raises an eyebrow in response, [Name] thinks.

He is comparable to the many other actors she’s had the pleasure of working with: plump heart shaped lips, a set of stone cold gaze under undeniably gorgeous eyes, distinctive facial features that while not perfect, still is to die for, and a voice that entails all the good dreams she’s ever had.

She’s being dramatic, yes, but it’s not as if none of it are true.

“You’re staring.”

His eyes are still on the magazine pages. But the way his adam’s apple bob and his fingers fidget as he pinches the corner of the page makes her wonder if he’s really been reading or just looking for a reason not to look at her.

“So? I’m not invading your space, though.” She reasons with a smile that’s so amused at how awkward he seems, reading in the corner of the room, pinned by her stare.

Kyungsoo’s shoulders are drawn back and stiff, his fingers crumple the pages he was pinching before finally he lands his half-hearted glare on her.

Still have so much to do for school..so Idk if any of these will be posted soon..haha...

I’m going to tag @jeonseok @zephyoongist @taesthetes (cat we haven’t talked in forever omg, idek if i deserve to tag you..) @jngukie

#larants #tags

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dimpled-doll · 8 years ago

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All the acting asks??

HERE COMES THE RAMBLES:

Dream role & why?: Probably Katherine Plumber from Newsies, at least at the moment. I have a whole list of dream roles but Katherine definitely tops it. She’s such an amazing character as she’s this woman fighting for a place in a man’s world which makes her both incredibly strong and hard-willed, as well as vulnerable and desperate as she strives to be successful and follow her dreams. And she’s also such a badass?? She takes crap from no one and is just so quick witted, she could sass me to my grave and I’d thank her.

Dream role that you’ll probably never play & why?: Probably Michael Mell from Be More Chill or Jesse Tuck from Tuck Everlasting, which is very annoying because I’m a female and they are not (more often than not I'm too old, too white or too female to play a role which makes me sad but that's okay I know I can't play every role)

Favorite role you’ve played?: So far, definitely Heather McNamara in Heathers. People are probably getting so tired of me talking about it, but she’s just such an amazing character who goes through so much character development and ahh I’m so happy to have gotten to play her.

Favorite show you’ve been in?: If I mention Heathers again someone is gonna throw something at me, so my other favorite is probably the show I’m in now. Into the Woods is a really fun and interesting show that’s been presenting some unique challenges as an actress that I’m enjoying tackling at the moment. Plus I love fairy tales so it’s lots of fun to get to bring them to life and live through them.

Favorite costume you’ve gotten to wear?: I got to wear a beautiful green medieval-style dress when I did The Wizard of Oz a few years ago, though it was paired which a horrendous green wig and painful green heels. (But the Heathers blazer outfit can’t be matched and will forever hold a piece of my heart)

Favorite line or lyric you’ve had?: “I want a squirrel, and what I want, I get!” -Willy Wonka

“If I say the wrong thing, or I wear the wrong outfit, they’ll throw me right over the side!”- Heathers

First show you were ever in?: I was in a lot of church “musicals” when I was young, but the first ever MUSICAL I was in was The Wizard of Oz. (which I then did again a few years later as the same ensemble role, so if I ever have to hear “The Merry Old Land of Oz” again I will probably smash my head against a wall)

Do you have a type cast?: Definitely young, and apparently mean/sassy (?) in some way/shape/or form.

Favorite show & why?: I have so many favorites it’s so hard to choose! Two of my favorites are probably Les Miserables and Newsies though. I guess I just love the idea of young people banding together to fight an oppressive power? Seriously though, I am such trash for so many musicals that it would take me too long to list.

Biggest on-stage fail?: I haven’t done anything too drastic, but I had to get lifted during a dance number recently and the guy picked me up bridal style and my dress flew up and the whole audience got a nice look at my underwear (it was an ending pose too so I couldn’t really fix it quickly). Another great story that didn’t really involve me but was in the show I was in. At the end of Act 1 of Heathers in Our Love is God, JD was about to shoot Kurt when, all the sudden, “Take On Me” by A-Ha blares through the theatre (as it was cued up to play during intermission along with various other 80′s songs) and everyone backstage lost it. The actors on stage had to play it off though, so JD starts dancing subtly while Kurt watches in horror, Veronica is trying to disguise her laughter as tears, and Ram’s body is suspiciously convulsing in a way that is definitely not laughter because he’s dead)

A role you weren’t right for (if any)?: I don’t think any large ones so far because I haven’t had that many, but I played a nun in The Sound of Music once which most people would probably say is pretty unfitting for my sinful ass.

Have you ever been a part of tech or a different production aspect of a show rather than acting in it?: I’ve assistant directed for a few children shows at my church, but other than that I’ve only really done small bits and pieces when someone needs help, but I’m really hoping to learn more and engage myself in different parts of theatre soon because I find everything that goes into a production fascinating and just as important as the acting in a show.

Pre-show rituals?: It depends on the show because a lot of different companies develop traditions and rituals for before a performance, but for me personally I just like to take a couple minutes to myself to breathe, drink some water or tea, say some quick prayers for myself and everyone in/involved with the show because it helps calm me, and just try to relax and go over my line/lyrics/choreography and just anything I need to remember and just tell myself that it’s okay to mess up sometimes as long as you’re doing your best and to just try to give everyone the best show that I can.

Vocal class (ex. tenor, alto, mezzo, etc.)?: Mezzo-Soprano, maybe Soprano 2 on a very good day.

Dancer or mover?: MOVER

Favorite script-marking method (ex. page markers, highlight, underline, circling, etc.)?: I usually always use page markers (color-coated and marked with the song or scene if possible) so I can easily find a scene, and I like to highlight if it’s a copied script or one I’m allowed to mark permanent marks in, but if not I just underline and then make character notes on the sides.

Favorite tongue twister?: A Big Black Bug Bit a Big Black Bear (Bubblegum was one of my favorites growing up though).

Favorite warmup?: Lip trills and humming are amazing on the go and when you need a soft introduction/haven’t warmed up yet, and Never Never Never Never No (idk if anyone else knows it but it’s one from my vocal instructor) is always good in the type of young, sometimes bratty roles I play to get my mixed belt going.

Favorite part of being in a show?: I love the community it creates, every time I’m in a show I get to create and be a part of a little family and it’s a wonderful feeling. Performing just also gives me such a rush because I love creating and telling a story to people and evoking emotions in an audience and making people think and feel things, theatre can have such an impact and awake so many emotions in people and it’s so thrilling and exciting to get to be a part of that.

Least favorite part of being in a show?: A lot of times, especially in less professional theatre, there is a lot of drama that is caused that is hard to escape which can get super frustrating when you’re just trying to have a good time and put on a great show. It’s also really difficult when you have other things going on at the same time as when you’re in a show because, for me at least, I tend to focus most of my energy into a show, but then my outside work and obligations pile up and things can get really tiring and stressful.

Worst audition story?: There are so many. I’ve shaken and cried when I was younger though the whole thing, I’ve messed up lyrics, messed up accents, chosen terrible songs, I’ve literally had people on the production team tell me how bad my song choices were or say “I hate that song and I hate the musical it’s from” and I also completely chickened out at an audition once and had a panic attack in the bathroom and had to have my mom come pick me up.

Funny show story?: I probably have plenty but I can’t think of any off of the top of my head right now, but I literally have a full post of funny quotes (+more in the comments of said post) on my blog already from Heathers with things ranging from a full minute long Yea Boi to “You call capital letters thick?”

Tips/advice you have for anyone just starting in theatre/are thinking about trying out theatre (if any)?: If you’re passionate about it, don’t give up. You’re not gonna start out perfect, and most likely you’re never going to be 100% perfect, but you have to push yourself and keep trying no matter what. If you work hard and believe in yourself (as sappy as that sounds) it get you so much farther. You’re not gonna get every role, and not everyone is going to love you, but even when it seems like it’s hopeless and that you’ll never get a role or get cast and you’re doubting yourself and your talent, you have to keep pushing through and persevering. If you are passionate and determined enough, it pays off. It takes time, but never give up on your dreams, and never give up on yourself.

Why do you do theatre?: I kind of answered a bit above, but a huge part of it is because theatre has had such a big impact on my life and helped me through some pretty rough times and I want to share and help others as well. There are so many shows that have such powerful and important messages that deserve to be shared and heard and I love being the voice delivering them. It’s so exciting to get to build a world and a story and just take an audience on a journey. I’ve always loved becoming a completely different person and experiencing and developing a whole different world and view on life, it’s so exciting for me when I get to create a character’s history, psyche, and world. Most importantly though, theatre unites people. It’s a group of people experiencing the same thing through different eyes and different experiences, but still receiving the same ultimate messages. Theatre can make you laugh, theatre can make you cry. Theatre scares, theatre excites, theatre relates. Theatre brings awareness to issues from mental health to racial equality. There are characters for everyone- from a teenage boy with social anxiety to a high heel loving drag queen. I have seen theatre touch so many people’s lives and bring them hope when hope was gone, and I’m so blessed to be a part of that power and magic.

Wow that was very sappy and very rambly….. whoops?

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