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foreverethereal123 · 1 year

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I did!!! This was AMAZING! The disrespect all these characters get would be hilarious if it wasn’t so concerning lol. The way PB has avoided or misrepresented the topic of sexuality and have an open discussion about it with characters OUTSIDE of there being anything romantic about it is just sad and I have been hoping for a long time that that will change. This is so cool of you to write!! I’ll definitely check that out!!💕

Protagonist-Centered Sexuality

(Read the rest of the "Hana Lee: A Study In Erasure" series here!)

CW: Bullying, Homophobia, Bi-erasure.

"To be clear, Hana is bisexual, but at this point in the story, that's something she's still figuring out for herself!" - Kara Loo

I don't think there's any better way of starting this essay than the story behind this quote.

(Note: Some who were around at the time of this story mentioned that that the team was under pressure to say Hana was bi instead of gay, partly from discourse with "people who took offence at Hana being coded lesbian". Being in the fringes of this discussion at the time, I cannot completely confirm the veracity of this, but just for clarity I thought I'd add this context as well. For the purposes of this essay, though, I will be mostly referring to Hana as bi and focusing to a larger extent on depictions of bisexuality, but will attempt to discuss whether that is reflected at all in the writing).

Sometime in October of 2017 (a few weeks after TRR2 released), a player had posed a question to the Choices Support Team. Does Hana Lee have a canon sexuality? The response was... bizarre - if I were to put it in the kindest way possible - even if you were someone who barely paid attention to Hana's scenes:

There was plenty of backlash over this response, of course, because when the hell had Hana ever tried to "pursue the prince" and how the hell would that make her straight! Kara Loo, one of the book leads, almost immediately posted a response, apologizing and maintaining that "this doesn't reflect how we view bisexuality at Pixelberry". It was clear from her post that Hana wasn't out to herself yet, forget anyone else, and it seemed to hint at a journey of sorts.

It's 2021 now, and we're on the seventh and final book of the series. The word "bisexual" hasn't appeared in the story once.

Mechanical vs Canonical Bisexuality

Different types of media write about expressions of sexuality in different ways, but the distinct discomfort that comes with openly talking about queer-related issues can be found across the board. A lot of visual media, esp film, has had a long history of erasure when it comes to LGBTQ+ representation, leading to either a lack of depictions of those stories, or having them heavily couched in innuendo. And even though there is more openness to such rep now, the discomfort often remains.

It is possible for showrunners/filmmakers/writers to attempt to cater to two very distinct audiences: the homophobic audience that is uncomfortable with even a hint of something that isn't heteronormative, and the LGBTQ+ audience that would like to see themselves in the characters they watch. Several strategies are employed to gain the attention, and money, of both: queerbaiting, queercoding or queercatching, all of which involve some form of catching the latter audience's interest with tantalizing hints about a character's sexuality, while still being vague enough to make it "safe" for the former type to watch. (Do watch Rowan Ellis' video essay "An Evolution of Queerbaiting: From Queercoding to Queercatching".) An infamous example of this is how J K Rowling announced Dumbledore being gay after her books released, yet you would never learn this outright from either the original HP books nor in the subsequent Fantastic Beasts film series.

For games however - especially choice-focused RPGs - the mechanics of this are somewhat different. For instance as a queer woman playing Choices, I can tell which sexuality is the default and which one is barely written with any thought at all...but what I'm complaining about wouldn't fit too well in the category of "queercatching" because a gay/bi/pan character's relationship is still at the center of the story, if I should so choose. So how do I explain why I'm so dissatisfied with what I'm getting, if at least I'm getting a full relationship with a woman out of it?

This is where we separate the way relationships fuelled by the mechanics of the game, from LGBTQ+ stories that are stitched into canon. Verilybitchie, in her video essay "How Bisexuality Changed Video Games" (seriously, watch it. It's a real eye-opener) goes into detail about this, but here's a small screenshot just to give you a rough idea:

(The essay breaks down many, many concepts - such as how sometimes the games view bisexuality and polyamory as almost interchangeable, and how some of the games negatively equate polyamory to cheating by taking away the option to be honest with the partners. One of the reasons this video focuses on bisexuality is to show how monosexuality is often viewed as a norm in the game mechanics themselves, even equated to faithfulness. But that is not relevant to this essay).

Mechanical Bisexuality - basically put - moulds the sexuality of your romanceable characters to suit yours. If you're gay/bi/pan, and want to romance a same-sex character, they will respond to you romantically and based on what they say in those playthroughs they may be either gay or bi. But if you play the same game as a straight person, you will probably never know. There are ways this can be done well, and still be respectful to those characters. But if done badly, this means that the romanceable character's sexuality is important only in relation to the player and not on its own. Which is to say that as long as you're using fictional bisexuality for my coin as a queer player, but not bothering to explore bisexuality as a lived experience, you're still engaging in a form of bi erasure.

Canonical Bisexuality, on the other hand, establishes a character (who is not the player) as bi regardless of the player's choices. Which is to say that their sexuality - like in real life - exists independent of the player-character's actions or desires, and is a part of their character history by default. Again, this doesn't mean it's completely perfect - Verilybitchie's video shows us examples upon examples of how a lot of canonically bi characters are villainized and othered in gaming culture. But if used well, it can be extremely empowering to see a bi person proudly and by default establish their identity within the framework of that game.

The video establishes three main criteria that a game must meet to be viewed as showing canon bisexuality - the showing of bi attraction across the board, not centering the player-character in the character's bi identity (ie I should see it even in playthroughs where I'm not romancing the character) and - the most important - we shouldn't take into account Twitter canon.

What is Twitter canon? It's when the developers/story leads "out" the character in their interviews, but continue to not address their sexuality in canon. As Verilybitchie explains it, "game developers are much more likely to call their characters bi in interviews than in the actual games themselves. Using the word "bi" is not everything, it's not the be-all or end-all of representation, but games do tend to avoid the word "bi" like the plague. You know, like in real life!"

What Kara Loo essentially did, in the example above, was exactly that. Twitter canon.

LGBTQ+ Rep and PlayChoices

Before we go into whether Hana has a journey related to her sexuality or not, it helps to take a brief look at how queer characters are depicted on the basis of both being aware of their identity, and being public about it. In a game like Choices that has long considered its diversity in representation its USP, you will have at least one LI who is considered canonically gay/bi, at least two books have a trans character, and in a book with a gender-customizable MC, every LI should be assumed at least bi. That isn't even counting side characters who are canonically gay, bi, pan, aroace and non-binary.

So it's not about whether these characters exist. That is the game's setup. What is important then is the way their queer identities are contextualised. And I find that this manifests in four different ways (note: I'll be sticking to LIs here):

1. Mechanical Bisexuality: In Choices, the texts that show this most, are the ones that have gender-customizable MCs. Because the MC could be either male or female (or nonbinary, in one case), it is assumed that the LIs are automatically bi (there is a section of the fandom that would rather view them as "playersexual" but I'm going to pretend they don't exist). In books where the LIs are viewed by their writers solely as male romancing female MCs, the heteronormativity is apparant in the way they're written, esp their sex scenes (eg. when you see carelessly-written pronoun changes for a gender-customizable character). However, we do have examples that show the writers clearly putting some level of thought into that LI's interactions with a male MC. Think of how PM2 has Damien's ex Alana refers to him wanting a "partner" rather than a girl/boyfriend, or the scene where Ethan Ramsey has sex in OH1 with a male MC. However, these strategies are sometimes used in tandem with ones that make the character's queerness less apparent to players who may not be comfortable: think of how, in both OH2 and BSC - Rafael Aveiro and Dallas James' other partners/ex-partners are given the same gender as the MC, meaning that their sexuality would rarely or never be addressed across canon. There is also a disrespect from PB itself in the way coded sexuality is viewed - think of how, for instance, TE allowed for us to choose the MC's sexuality in the beginning, yet in the service of a diamond scene claimed "you can change your mind" and used the split-attraction model as an excuse for this framing.

2. Out and Proud: Queer characters who are either confirmed or assumed to already be out in public. Often this includes characters who romance female LIs in genderlocked books but who never reference their sexuality in the books and aren't treated any differently when they openly romance the female MC. Generally it is assumed that they are comfortable in their identity and publicly identify as such. In most cases, PB does this as a way to not talk about sexuality, but in comparison to the categories following, it can be somewhat mitigated by the implication that this character is out and proud.

There are examples where the character can hint at, or talk about their journey though. Lily Spencer (BB) starts out dating another woman, and tells us by Ch. 3 that she was a "nerdy, bi black girl growing up in rural Wisconsin". You have Emma Hawkins (HSS) mentioning her coming out to her parents, and Zig Ortega (TF) casually coming out to his friends when he says he finds James' friend Teddy attractive. You also have Teja Desai (RCD) speak of romantic escapades with a girl in the first book, and confirming she is lesbian to her friend Seth in the second. We have two transpersons (Aisha Bhatt of BP and Andy Kang of ILITW), two nonbinary people (Cameron of HSS and Wren of AME) and one aroace (Zephyr Hernandez of TE) who are also comfortable in their identities and give us small insights into their journeys. These moments and dialogues may be fleeting, and may have very little to do with the character's current arcs, but they add a lot of rich detail to the characterization and give us an insight into their journey as queer people.

3. In the Closet: Characters who are out to themselves but still in the closet. Usually, they are aware of their sexuality, have been for a long time, but cannot - for personal or professional reasons - come out. The MC is often faced with someone who knows they are gay/bi, but is navigating a relationship with, or supporting them while they deal with whether they can be so in public or not. Struggling with coming out can be a character arc in itself for these characters, and notably PB has focused on some of their journeys.

An excellent example of this is Kaitlyn Liao (TF). In Book 2 she tells us she's been aware of her sexuality since school but had never been in a relationship before the MC ("I knew I liked girls, but it seemed like a total fantasy that anyone would like me, you know?"). The entirety of the second book is dedicated to her coming out - first to her friend from Texas, Arjun, then to her parents - one of whom takes time to get used to this truth, but who unequivocally supports her at the end of the book. You also have Eiko Matsunaga (MoTY) who cannot come out at her workplace but is outed by the homophobic Vanessa. This is also a subplot often used in some of PB's historical stories (as well as the next category) - Annabelle Parsons (D&D) and Gemma Montjoy (TUH) imply their awareness of being attracted to women, but have to keep their sexuality a secret because in their time their identity is not only deemed unacceptable, but also invisible (at least in Annabelle's case).

4. The fourth category is what I sometimes dub as "Baby Gay/Bi/Queer".

Unlike "In the Closet", these characters start out unaware of how they identify, and their realization that not only does the (female, in all these cases) MC capture their attention in a way they don't expect, but that it goes beyond her into who they are and who they feel romantic attraction for. In at least two of these cases, those LIs (both are lesbian) openly say they will never again lie with/date another man.

I won't talk about Hana now, but I will briefly touch upon Sabina (ACOR) and Ava Lawrence (MFTL). Sabina lives in ancient Rome, was married off as a child and is under the thumb of an abusive man. She is a deeply traumatized woman when we first meet her, and the MC must peel through her many layers of pain and repressed anger to finally help her find freedom. A fan-favourite Sabina scene references the poem "One Girl" by Sappho, the poet from ancient Greece so intimately tied to the history of LGBTQ+ literature that two terms came both from her name (sapphic), and the name of her birthplace (lesbian, from Lesbos). Ava, on the other hand, is still in school, overcompensating in her relationship with Mason, battling her confusion and feelings for the MC, before coming out to their classmate, Bayla. In a rare instance of inspired writing from the MFTL team, Ava describes the words as being "ripped out" from her, and Bayla becomes a source of comfort and solidarity when she reveals that she, too, is a lesbian. She is paired either with her or with the MC, who is also written as canonically bi. We are also told that she comes out to her parents later on, and gets their support.

As you can see, Sabina and Ava being "Baby Gays" allows for some great scenes, where they can strongly assert their identity as lesbians and find a happy future. The problem lies in how the writing teams often write them and their journeys as if they are outside the scope of the story, not valuable enough for consistent exploration. In their respective books, both Ava and Sabina are often written out of the events and rarely given much attention. Financially they are given far less chances to rake in money because the scenes are so few and far between, and structurally, they are overshadowed by their male counterparts. Of course that is a factor that affects female LIs across the board, but in the case of this particular type of character, it is even more damaging.

It is important, especially for these characters, to have more space and attention given to this arc in particular, because it is their central arc. We are watching their coming out journey, their discovery that they are not straight, in real time. And it is essential in such cases - if you're a company that cares about representation - to allow that arc to blossom outside of the MC, and to center these LIs first and foremost in this story. And it is important because they tend to be the most vulnerable - often coming from familial/societal structures that don't allow them to even question what their families expect them to feel (in at least two of these examples). In their stories they deserve support, they deserve space to explore that aspect of their identities - with or without the MC - and if narratively possible, they deserve to know that they are a part of a large community. Depriving them of this can send a damaging message, esp if you're a company that benefits from being viewed as acting "inclusive", with a "lack of heteronormativity" in your stories. (HAHAHA)

Hana as a Baby Bi

Hana gets her first proper kiss, ever, in TRR1 Ch. 16 (optionally). She sleeps with someone for the first time, ever, in TRR2 Ch 18. While this is par the course if you're not the person the MC was joining the competition to win (Drake, too, gets his kisses and love scenes late in the story), the story is insistent that these are things she's never experienced before. What does this mean, and why was it necessary in Hana's case to take this long?

If you choose every single romantic option with Hana in TRR1, you will notice a slow, but subtle progression. She blushes and doesn't directly comment on how this affects her in almost all these scenes, but from her room to the Cronut shop to our dancing lessons to playing piano, to...finally...confessing her feelings before the Coronation, we find Hana slowly getting comfortable with the intimacy of touch.

If we were to go by Hana's own account, most of the girls/women she'd interacted with thus far hadn't shown much of a desire to interact with her: they're described as either privileged, pampered women who saw her as a rival (much like Olivia and the other noble women do in the beginning), or as people too wrapped up in their own interests to notice her (as she hints in the dressage scene). Even a "nice woman" is a novelty to her.

The MC turns her notions of how other women act on their head as soon as the two meet, and we find that every word that indicates attraction, and every touch, seems to surprise her with how much it affects her. In the bakery where they have cronuts, she is shocked enough by her own response to immediately withdraw her hand, and she seems to have an experience she didn't at all expect when she teaches the MC the romantic Cordonian Waltz. But by the time she plays piano for the MC, she seems to feel more comfortable around her, allowing the touches to now linger. By the time of the Beaumont Bash, she is enthusiastic to retry her first kiss, showing us just how much she's progressed in establishing a sense of comfort with this woman she is learning to love.

Romantic, sensual touch is a novelty to Hana not only because she's new to the idea of a woman being with her. It's because she is new to the whole concept of sexual desire itself, beyond the books she may have read. She is so new to what it's like to passionately love and be loved by someone, that when she finally confesses her feelings to the MC in her Ch. 17 diamond scene, her words come out confused and almost inarticulate:

In the second book, while she is comfortable with kissing and light makeouts in most of their diamond scenes, she places boundaries when it comes to sex, because the experience is not only new but something she can only feel comfortable doing when she's confident of her relationship with the MC (as implied by the way the narrative stops short of sex in her last two individual scenes before her proposal). But this is perhaps something I will be addressing later on in this essay.

Touch and romance with the MC is central to how we read Hana's sexuality - mostly because it's the only way we can get a clear idea of her sexuality journey overall. The narrative doesn't want to even think about it otherwise. There is no dialogue that refers directly to it, no interactions with other people that directly references her having feelings, no indication of this part of her identity. So a lot of my reading of Hana as a woman learning other sexualities besides "straight" exist...is based mostly on her interactions with the MC.

There is one huge catch to this, though.

There is no scene of Hana's, across the seven books of this series, that references her sexuality - lesbian or bi - by default.

The Discomfort Around A Sapphic Hana

To elaborate on that last sentence - most of the scenes I mentioned above? Are part of diamond scenes. With friendly options. Some of them have more friendly options than romance, in fact.

In the sub-essay on LI!Hana and Friend!Hana, I made a comparison between the three confession scenes at the Coronation Ball. It was clear that the MC would learn about the male LIs' feelings for her by default, and can have Hana openly confess in the free option for the scene, but you have to push the romantic options consistently for Hana to state it in her diamond scene. Her "confession scene" can absolutely be played without ever once referencing her attraction to the MC, simply by the MC friendzoning her first. And unless you choose a romantic option in TRR2, Hana never, ever talks about this attraction for you again. Perhaps the only indication of her feelings that happens by default, is Olivia's calling out of the MC prior to Coronation Ball ("It might be fun to buddy up with Hana...but at the end of the day, she's going to go away heartbroken. And have you ever considered that you might be the cause?"). It hardly even sticks because it's brushed off so casually afterwards.

It is possible - even easy - for you to go through this entire series and the subsequent one, without hearing a single word from Hana herself, about either her love for the MC, or what it means for her to realize that she can love women.

What is absolutely striking about this when you look at these bits of writing as a whole, is how much the comfort of a straight (and possibly homophobic) female player is prioritized in the way Hana interacts with the MC. Hana's love for the MC has to be tailored to fit the player's comfort - Liam's and Drake's do not. A Hana who is told that the MC doesn't love her back is supposed to return immediately to "best friend" mode - no lingering sadness, no regret, her feelings are simply not allowed to have value on their own.

This is disturbing in itself. But perhaps this would be mitigated by seeing Hana's sexuality play a role in other exchanges that may have at least a romantic aim, right? So let us further explore other possible relationships, even the ones where she has no interest yet must enter in with the intention of marriage:

Peter

The Cordonian Waltz scene with Hana in TRR1 is perhaps the only one where Hana's queerness is at the center - or at least hinted to be. There is a compelling collision between her growing feelings for the MC (if you choose to romance her) and the memory of a man who almost married her - who we never see in the actual book, but who is referenced in later scenes as a looming example of her "failure".

Hana speaks of Peter with a mixture of gratitude and pain - she is careful to tell us that he was a nice man who handled their situation more kindly than she expected him to, but is also aware that he had the privilege to expect sweeping romance from a relationship in a way that she never could. Her description of their engagement cuts into the pain of living in the closet - not only does she not love the man, she also feels immense confusion and guilt at her "inability" to do so ("even though I told him what he wanted to hear, I couldn't hold back the tears"). Whether or not the MC flirts with her in this scene, this story (thankfully) features, and has all the power and intensity that you'd expect from a scene about a queer person in a closet.

Back when TRR1 was the only book out, many players found this scene hinted strongly at Hana being lesbian, and I'm inclined to agree. There is an emotional intensity that suggested a realization that she couldn't love a man, couple with her attraction for a woman. And while honestly Bi Awakenings can be just as powerful, I can see why it would be read this way more.

(This is not the only time we learn about Peter. Hana's subsequent stories about him tell us one very interesting thing about her life with her parents - that she is not only closeted, but also a virgin. At truth-or-dare, she describes her first kiss with Peter as a staged performance that crashed into disaster when he missed and punctured his lip on her earring. The first time the MC seriously makes out with her, Hana tells her that her relationship with Peter had always been chaste. Canonically, she has never had sex nor actual sexual contact before the MC. This puts her in a doubly vulnerable position because not only is she in the closet, but she also has no rubric for what sexual dynamics are like, and that can change how certain LI scenes could be read. For instance, when the MC who is engaged to someone else sleeps with Hana, there is an added layer of exploitation, considering there was no readiness for sex when they were not official.)

We are never given a default scene that even picks up on the threads Hana leaves with this story. But ironically, Peter is referenced twice by other women to label Hana a failure. It really goes to show you what the team thought the most important takeaway from this scene was.

Liam

The two things to keep in mind with any interaction that features Hana and Liam is that 1. They're both LIs, and 2. Hana is a lady of the court, and ladies of the court are often given limited interactions with Liam (at least, if you're not Olivia) because the focus of his story is so trained on the MC. So they're friends in group scenes, have a handful of interactions independently, can speak positively of each other to the MC - but there is never going to be any closeness that can be misinterpreted as romance.

Hana's stated purpose when she enters Cordonia is that she hopes her chances at marrying Liam will be better than that of marrying Peter. Yet, romance wise Liam is a non-factor for Hana early on. There is no question of her having romantic feelings for him, and because Liam's story is (from the beginning) primarily about the conflict between doing his "duty" and loving the MC, there is no expectation from his end either, which means the transition into stating they are friends happens pretty soon after the social season ends.

We have dialogue from both of them speaking about each other even outside of group scenes (Liam telling us why he appreciates Hana as a friend in NY, Hana telling us an adorable story of Liam helping her on her first day in Cordonia) but very little that references the brief time when she was supposed to woo him. Which is alright, because it hints at an easier and less painful dynamic than what she had with Peter, and a far less annoying one than what she has with Neville.

Unfortunately, however, the narrative seems to add her not being picked as Liam's bride on her "failure" list, which is egregious when you realize that literally no other woman from the same social season is measured by that ridiculous, sexist standard. It also points to a disturbing aspect of the worldbuilding in general, but I'll get back to that a little later.

Rashad and Neville

These two characters enter at a rather interesting point in Hana's story. She is either interested in the MC, or not interested in any relationship at all, but faces threats from both her parents and Madeleine to either get a male suitor or leave Cordonia. Even the MC, regardless of her feelings for Hana, is viewed positively in this scene only if she stands in as Hana's wingwoman, with her optional offer to be a suitor not even seen as a viable option. No matter whether there is a romance or not - the MC seems strangely distant from the very real possibility that her potential lover may be forced to marry another man, which is a real contrast to the possessiveness and scorn Drake's MC can optionally show when it comes to Kiara.

The one good thing that comes out of this subplot is an awareness from Hana, that these two are not viable options for her anyway. Straight off the bat, she can by default consider them boring, and the few times she speaks about them she can articulate what she finds dissatisfying in her interactions with them. Rashad recedes in the background once it's clear that Neville likes her more (though he briefly features in TRR3 to help Hana with a contact for her father's business). She is eventually allowed to push back at Neville, independent of her argument with her father, and let him know exactly what she thinks of him (on the flip side? She does this in defence of Drake, and Neville becomes the main antagonist in Drake's TRR3 subplot from that point on).

As I mentioned in the previous essay, Neville is Hana's final straw when it comes to obeying her parents. He is disagreeable enough to her that she has to put her foot down. Whether or not the MC takes an interest in her, Hana clearly feels marrying Neville is beyond even her limits of endurance, and the prospect of marrying him coupled with her defence of the MC is part of what propels her to defy her father in Shanghai (Sadly, what could have been a default coming out moment is instead turned into an vague argument about friendship and self-reliance).

This may work...as long as it is a springboard to Hana's self-discovery both within and outside of her romance with the MC. If it is something that opens her up to either dating, or figuring out who she is and what she likes romantically. Which...doesn't exactly happen.

These are the men we see with "relationship possibility" in Hana's story, yet it is clear that she has no romantic interest in any of them. The dynamics with some of the men (esp Neville) revolves around her discomfort with those relationships. We do not see any other examples of this furthermore in the text, and often this is used as an example of how she can't possibly be bi (which is honestly a legitimate argument when you take into account what we said earlier about "Twitter canon"). The MC is the clearest indication for her preference for women...except that it centers the MC more than her, and mostly depends on the player's comfort with her sexuality to even be seen.

With that said, do we have any examples of her having anything romantic with women? Women who aren't the MC??

Madeleine

"But Lizzy," I can hear some of you say, "what about Madeleine?"

Which is a fair point. Every LI had an alternative LI (though Maxwell's was scrapped almost as soon as he became an LI) and Hana was no different. Madeleine was very clearly intended, by TRR3 at least, to be Hana's alternative LI. On the surface, this should sound like a good thing, right? Hana's sexuality and feelings for women could be acknowledged beyond the romance with the MC, right??

Well...if you like bully-victim "romances" that revolve around the bully, I guess.

If you squinted, maybe you could see something that would pass for a hint of romantic symbolism in TRR2 (the bachelorette activity Hana had planned for Madeleine hints at her believing the two are supposed to have a date after the chocolate fondue party), followed by a handful of scenes in TRR3 where Madeleine could imply having a crush on Hana (these scenes only appear in her single playthrough). In between these two things...is Madeleine's admission about wanting to "break Hana".

I've already addressed the chocolate incident and its implications in the essay of "The Ladies of the Court", so I'll be skipping straight to the "romantic" implications of that scene and how that "romance" is framed thereafter.

Many Madeleine stans often treat the chocolate incident as a one-off, which is not only wildly inaccurate but callous in its minimization. Madeleine in her position as Queen-to-be, constantly reminded Hana of their power dynamic and in fact threatened to send her back to China if she didn't manage to get a suitor. The source of a lot of Hana's anxiety in TRR2 revolves around very real threats Madeleine had made. The chocolate incident wasn't just one bad thing Madeleine did that one time, but an escalation in a string of abusive and threatening behaviours. Which means that once the writers established Madeleine and Hana as possible endgame (as they clearly wanted to do), they were faced with the choice to either address what Madeleine had done to her and have her face consequences, or retcon it completely to make the romance easier for Madeleine. They chose the latter.

On the surface you can tell exactly which trope the team might have been going for - the Armoured Closeted Gay/Bi that usually involves a gay/lesbian/bi character dealing with their discomfort of their sexuality by harming another gay/lesbian/bi character. (We've seen a variation of this in ILITW, with Lily Oritz and Britney - except that the situation revolved more around Lily's unresolved feelings for a bully who was once her friend, and she had the freedom to choose differently when Britney disappointed her at the end. It's still problematic, but Lily is given a healthy sense of agency within this dynamic). This trope often involves bullying, which is justified as them coping with their confusions and possible self-hatred. There are ways to ensure the victim is centered in such a dynamic and not the perpetrator (which you can see, to an extent, in an example like Lily's), but it can also center the bully and ignore the victim's perspective. In Madeleine's case, this trope was part of a bigger "redemption" arc - one in which she was a patriot with a neglectful and overly critical father, grieving her lost chances and learning to find purpose in her new job - with Hana being subtly positioned more as a prize for her dedication, rather than as a person with her own opinions and agency. It shows in the way their interactions in TRR3, when the narrative was trying to subtly push the ship, are framed.

There are five distinct scenes total in Hana's single playthrough that hint at the possibility of this relationship in TRR3. Madeleine's "stupidly perfect" dialogue in Fydelia, Hana and Madeleine cross-referencing each other in their scenes at Costume Gala, Madeleine's nonapology and offer for a dance in Vegas, Madeleine's reaction to the Hana MC asking if she's "jealous" prior to her wedding reception (she reacts a bit flustered about Liam - the man she was going to marry - and Hana, versus her casual dismissiveness at the same question from a Drake or Maxwell MC). I'm not including the finale conversation, as that was an attempt from the team to backtrack on the ship completely, post backlash, and therefore features excuses that contradict canon to make Madeleine's reasoning sound legitimate. Three out of these five feature Hana, and you'll find a common thread in at least two of those scenes:

In both scenes, Madeleine hints at her attraction for Hana, but Hana is only ever allowed to be surprised and at the very most say that she never expected that from Madeleine (and while Hana can - thankfully - sound a slight bit suspicious of Madeleine's motives in Vegas, the "tricks" she mentions do not match the intensity of what Madeleine actually did in TRR2. Which makes sense, considering they were already retconning the chocolate incident altogether). The end result usually has Hana say...very very little about what she feels.

There is only one scene among these five that even allows Hana to vaguely imply any interest in Madeleine at all, in fact - at the Costume Gala while talking with the MC and Olivia:

The writers made a subtle distinction between her compliments for Madeleine in her single playthrough, and Kiara in her LI one, by having them be more personal for the former, and more neutral with passive language for the latter. But it is one in four scenes that have Madeleine talk more, express more, articulate her feelings more, with little space or agency left for Hana. Hana almost feels like an afterthought in these scenes.

In each scene that features the two in this "romance", Madeleine is the one whose thoughts and feelings matter. She feels Hana is "stupidly sweet and perfect". She thinks Hana's company is more bearable than most people's and that she would "be willing to let bygones be bygones" when the MC speaks of her earlier behaviour. She feels that mayyyybe she mayyyy have wronged Hana. She is asked if she feels jealous of the Hana!MC. She feels her abominable behaviour towards Hana would actually be justified if Hana had been "fake" like she'd suspected. And you will see this even in the way many fans who support the Madeleine x Hana ship frame the "romance" - Madeleine's feelings are explored more, Madeleine's actions are justified, excused or downplayed, and Hana's feelings and journey are clearly not as worthy of exploration.

We hear so much about what Madeleine thinks of Hana and almost nothing of what Hana thinks of her (until the epilogue, and even then Hana is allowed only a few lines about needing time to forgive Madeleine, while Madeleine's assumptions and excuses dominate the conversation). So even in the one other relationship that would have confirmed Hana's sexuality, the feelings of the woman who harmed her have far more value.

This leaves us with the MC, who is the only person Hana is actually allowed to express a clear attraction for, and who functions as the catalyst for her LGBTQ Awakening (another trope, which shows a queer character emerging into a realization of their own sexuality), yet there is no real space for Hana to move forward if the MC isn't interested. There is no real attempt to have her awakening lead anywhere if it doesn't benefit the MC. The narrative wants to give the MC the credit of being Hana's first, in every way possible, but cannot be bothered to move it away from the MC if she doesn't want to be.

And even if the MC decides to romance and marry Hana, the fact that they're a queer couple is hardly ever addressed. Questions that Hana could have as a wlw, are hardly ever brought up. In TRH1, while the writing changes to accommodate alternative ways of getting pregnant for a wlw couple, a lot of the dialogue seems to remain the same as it is for the male LIs (esp the ones about "making babies" and sex). When she marries the MC, the narrative forgets that Hana was ever in that damn closet to begin with!

In the end what Hana gets is a story that moulds the importance of her sexuality according to the comfort of the player, but that won't allow her to explore her sexuality on her own terms outside of the MC. It's a sexuality that centers the protagonist, rather the the actual person experiencing that journey. The only two romances PB allows her are about the other person, and very rarely about her.

But romances aren't the only way one can highlight a sexuality journey, though they are one of the most effective. Being part of the LGBTQ+ community...is also about community: about realizing that there are many others like you, and that you can find solidarity among people who have experienced similar journeys, about the LGBTQ+ culture of the place you're staying in. So...does TRR attempt to do at least that?

Heteronormativity and Cordonia

There are ways you can address sexuality if you don't want to push forward a romance. Have the closeted character meet other queer people. Have them join communities dedicated to LGBTQ support, and engage in activities that support queer people. Hana is a voracious reader so having someone recommend her books by queer authors wouldn't have looked out of place either (ACOR did a variation of "lesbian character reading lesbian literature" by having Sabina and the MC read out Sappho's poetry). Have her rethink feelings she may have misinterpreted as closeness or hero-worship of someone (eg. maybe a famous female celebrity) to realize that what she had was a crush. Sure, this may not center the MC, but if Drake can spend chapters whining about his sister and Maxwell can spend more chapters believing in the goodness of his obviously-evil dad, then dammit Hana could have been allowed space to see her sexuality beyond how it could benefit the MC.

Not only does the narrative NOT do any of this, but they also reinforce heteronormativity in several sequences, while aggressively retconning previous indications of it so to avoid addressing possible past homophobia.

I've mentioned before that the Cordonian Waltz scene is perhaps the closest Hana gets to speaking about her sexuality, in a roundabout, unaware way. While her engagement with Peter, and the reason behind their subsequent breakup is the center of her story, it is just as much about her parents' heteronormativity - where they would throw only men at her for marriage, where Hana had clearly never even thought loving a woman was possible before, where the traits her mother assumes to be attractive to suitors tend to appeal to men in the court (acting like a damsel in distress, for instance). Everything about her parents' training screams heteronormativity.

The Cordonia of the first two books seems to reinforce this somewhat. It is depicted as a stiff-upper-lip sort of society that focuses on "propriety" and is squeamish about PDA, and most of the relationships we get to see in its world seem to reinforce heteronormativity. Perhaps the closest someone ever gets to openly mentioning they're queer is Maxwell in his TRR2 finale scene, where he speaks about flings with "people", which gave rise to the hc that he was pansexual. Hana herself gets to engage with a queer character or two (such as Marguerite from TH:M in TRH1) and even gets to encourage Kiara during truth-or-dare when the latter is asked to choose women she can date.

In TRR3, the narrative seems to lean more towards theories about TCaTF (equating the Great Houses to the Five Kingdoms, showing us weapons from those times, having more Duchesses than Dukes and having Liam remind us that one of their most iconic rulers was a woman), which didn't seem as heteronormative (eg. Tevan can casually talk about his male and female suitors in the middle of battle, Annelyse is openly flirting with Kenna when they first meet). In addition to this, the choice to make the reception from the public, of the Hana x MC relationship, the same as the other LIs...allowed readers to view Cordonia itself as a society that views relationships that are not openly hetero, as normal. Queer dynamics are okay, I guess, as long as the narrative doesn't have to work to show it.

Unfortunately, the lack of real thought and planning that strategy suggests, leads to moments that would seem out-of-pocket or strange in such a world, yet not treated that way.

A clear example of that is this scene. Cordonia at this point is supposed to not discriminate between men and women, and okay with same-sex relationships. Yet Hana - the closest we have (until the hints about Madeleine) to a canonically queer character - is considered a failure for two men not choosing her! In a narrative where, optionally, she is marrying a woman and on the verge of becoming a Duchess! And this persists even after her goddamn marriage when the queen of a neighbouring country can mock her the same way!

This is bad enough already. But from the same chapter emerges something even more insidious - the erasure of Hana's own background, especially the components of heteronormativity we saw in her Cordonian Waltz scene and the argument with her father:

"New money" was never a factor in Hana's family's reasons for choosing the matches they did - direct or implied. The gender of her expected partner was. Not once did Hana's parents ever try to put forward a powerful, titled woman of old money, and this story was filled to bursting with them. Hell, even the Cordonian Waltz scene shows us that Hana was never even allowed to think in the direction of loving women! Yet the narrative thought it appropriate to wrap up Hana's arc with her parents - whose isolation of her and control over her relationships led to her being unaware of her own sexuality for years - by erasing that very important detail.

The narrative itself treated even Hana's wedding as an afterthought. She was never really viewed as another bride, never given all the perks that the MC got. Their wedding was written (like Maxwell's) with glitches galore, including the infamous "husband and wife" label from the officiant that openly ignored the player's own choices just a few chapters before. And as I've mentioned in previous essays, the writers made no distinctions between bride!Hana and bridesmaid!Hana at the reception, resulting in the uncomfortable image of Hana doing bridesmaid duties in her wedding gown. One book later, people were teasing Hana and the MC about all the sex they were having to make babies, and the only real difference between Hana's single and married playthroughs...was that married!Hana could learn she couldn't get pregnant. In her single playthrough, despite the core theme of her story being self-discovery, she was hardly given any life of her own.

When this is the way the narrative itself treats Hana's sexuality, what hope is there that they will allow her any sense of community with her queer identity, outside of the MC??

Lesbian or Bi?

It is a testament to how little Hana's sexuality mattered to the writing team, that even after the end of TRR3 the fandom was still debating over whether Kara's Twitter canon had any weight.

It didn't need to be this way. They could have made Hana's confession to the MC actually default. They could have allowed her to actively show interest in a woman (or a woman and a man) and center her in the story with that alternative LI, rather than treat her as a prize in a former antagonist's story. They could have even peppered the story with hints that she was going out, meeting other people, learning on her own that she was not straight and letting us know clearly what she identified herself as. And while sure, this may be too much to ask from a company that often sidelines its female LIs, the fault still lies with them for making her a person so deep in the closet that she had to come out to herself first. (Which, btw, they never allowed to openly or subtle reference in canon).

Hana was called bi by a story lead of the book. The same story lead claimed she was going through a journey of discovering this, yet nothing in her actual story supports that. She shows no attraction to any man in the books, but we also never see her show any real, obvious, consistent, canon-supported attraction to a woman that isn't the MC either. The only other possibility of a relationship revolves around someone who'd found joy in harming her, with little to no agency for Hana. Her sexuality was spoken of as "something she is still figuring out for herself" yet it's been six books since and we've heard nothing about what it is she's figured out.

The narrative would have lost absolutely nothing by making her a canonical lesbian, or even a canonical bisexual, yet pushed her into a version of the "mechanical bi" template where she could either show her attraction to ONE woman in particular, or just keep that aspect of herself hidden forever. And while one may assume that her "figuring out" of her sexuality happened offscreen, it is clear that her writers were too uncomfortable with her sexuality themselves, to provide clarity, to even want to give it any value beyond the MC's needs and desires.

In closing, if I were to sum up how TRR treats Hana's sexuality, it would go something like this:

Hana isn't allowed past romances. Hana isn't allowed future romances. Twitter canon claims she's bi yet only has her briefly talk to four men she's not even interested in. The only woman she's allowed to actually date is the MC and even that is moulded for the MC's comfort levels. The only other romance she's "allowed'' is with someone who wanted to break her, and she's hardly even allowed an opinion on that person's interest in her. Her parents are shown to be homophobic but when the team wants to soften them further they erase their homophobia. And then she is never, ever, EVER allowed even a sense of community with other queer people because the fucking world they built is actually so fucking heteronormative!!!!

It is clear, therefore, that even Hana's sexuality is written in a way that it's never about her - it is written for the MC. If the MC romances her, Hana's whole sexuality story begins and ends with this one person, with no future reference to what her closeted past was like or how her journey progresses beyond her marriage. If the MC rejects her, the narrative never bothers with what happens next for that story. It is the MC who romances her that benefits from her attraction, and the MC who doesn't want her love that benefits from her silence.

Hana's story of her sexuality - as with many other aspects of her writing - begins in uncertainty, but ends in erasure.

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foreverethereal123 · 1 year

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HELLO???!!! CAN EVERYONE SHUT UP MY FRIEND JUST BECAME WRITER OF THE MONTHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I’m so proud of you for answering these questions with such bravery because I know you probably wanted to throw up more than half the time!! AND LOOK AT YOU YOU DID IT!!! You deserve this more than anyone else I know and so much more!!! You’re amazing and so fucking talented and I’m glad today and everyday to have found I here and I LOVE YOU!!🌝🌛🌜🦊🦉 you can throw up now it’s okay

CFWC Writer of the Month - Aug 2023: ao719

Each month CFWC highlights one of our talented fanfic writers, and this month’s writer of the month is @ao719. We hope you will enjoy learning more about them and their work below! The writer is selected at random. More info can be found on the navigation page.

Quick Links:

Tumblr Blog: ao719 Blog Masterlist

How do you want to be known on Tumblr? Anitah

1- When did you start playing Choices? What was the first book you played?

I first started playing in June 2018. The Royal Romance was the first book I played, and I got hooked from the end of the first chapter. At the time, they were midway through releasing TRR book 3, so I binged books 1 & 2 and finally caught up on the day of the wedding, where the chapter ended with the attack at the boutique. Then I didn’t know what to do with myself because it was the first time I had to wait a week to find out what was going to happen.

2- When and why did you join Choices fandom?

Finding Tumblr was a complete accident. I was googling something really dumb about Liam and TRR and happened to stumble across a link for a fic on Tumblr. At the time, I didn’t know what Tumblr was; I’d heard of it but had no idea what it consisted of. The fic I came across was around 40+ chapters, and I was in my glory reading this angsty story about Liam, but it wasn’t finished, so when I reached the last updated chapter, I was like, “I need more.” So I opened Tumblr and searched for more Liam fics and found a trove. I lurked for another month or so before finally making my account in September 2018.

3- How did you pick your blog name?

I wish I had some good story for it, but it’s the most basic thing, lol. It’s just my initials and a significant date. I think if I came into the fandom with the intention of actually doing something with the blog, I would have tried to come up with something a little more clever and creative, but I had zero intention of doing anything but reading. I thought about changing it a few years ago, but when I learned that I’d have to relink everything in my masterlist, it didn’t seem worth the hassle.

4- Pull up the first post in your archive, and tell us about it!

It’s from the day TRR 3 ended and it’s about how I was sad that it was over but was glad that I had all these stories to read.

5- How long have you been writing fanfiction?

I’d never written anything until I joined the fandom, so I’ve only been writing for almost five years now. The thought of writing didn’t even cross my mind when I joined the fandom, but within a couple of weeks of making my blog, I had a random idea pop up in my head, and for some reason, I decided to write it down. A few days later, after talking myself out of posting and then talking myself back into it, I bit the bullet. For me to post a story that I wrote was entirely out of my comfort zone. I’m pretty shy and tend to be more of a wallflower, so I don’t usually put myself out there, especially like that, and I’ve never been someone who does something where I intentionally set myself up, knowing there is a very good chance that I will fail. And social media on any platform can be a pretty intimidating and terrifying place when you open yourself up, especially to strangers, even by way of posting a measly little fanfic. So to say I was terrified of posting that first fic is an understatement, but I’m so glad that I did.

6- What is your favorite Choices book, and what is your favorite Choices book to write about?

The Royal Romance will always be my favorite. It was the first book I ever played and was the only one I played for well over a year (I just kept replaying over and over and over until @cocomaxley convinced me to give MotY a try, which I fell in love with). It’s my comfort book. And like every book, it definitely has its flaws, but I love it and the characters so much. And TRR is my favorite book to write about. Liam will always be my number one guy.

7- Share the first fanfic you wrote with us. Do you still like it, or would you change it if you were writing it today?

The first fic that I wrote was I Dare You. It’s not an all-time favorite of mine, but I like it well enough that I wouldn’t change anything about it.

8- What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

This is tough because I have a few that I love for different reasons, but I think Always You will always be the most special to me because it was the first series I wrote that I can truly say I poured my whole heart into. I love that story, and I love the history between Liam and the OC, their bond, and their relationship.

9- Do you have a fic that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was? What about one you expected to be but found could use a little more love?

When I decided to start Hopeless Hearts, I didn’t think it would be received any differently from most things I’d written before. It was an idea I’d kept on the back burner for over 2 years prior to writing it because I didn’t think it was anything spectacular or out of the box. It turned out to be my most well-received series, and it became one of my personal favorites as well.

I don’t think anything I’ve written has left me feeling as though I wished it had gotten more. I’m still surprised to this day that anyone wants to read anything I’ve written at all, so any love that my fics get is beyond appreciated.

10- If you could write only angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Angst (but with a HEA). I love putting my characters through the wringer before giving them that happily ever after they deserve. Whether I’m reading or writing, there’s something about feeling the pain and longing they’re going through that gets me emotionally invested. I think that’s why I love the second chance romance trope so much, too. It’s a really versatile trope, but there’s a lot of room for angst in those kinds of stories because of that established history between the characters and a past that tore them apart the first time around.

11- Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MCs or in your writing?

I think I sprinkle a little bit of myself into all of my MCs/OCs. It’s usually something small like a favorite food, a hobby, certain mannerisms, etc. I think the one that I’ve added more of myself into than any other and can relate to the most personality wise would definitely be Charlotte.

12- What element of writing do you struggle with most?

I struggle with all of it here and there, and I’m constantly questioning whether something makes sense, if it’s flowing together, if it’s too descriptive or not descriptive enough, etc. I think the one area I most consistently struggle with is deciding where and how to end because I always want to leave my chapters with a cliffhanger or if I’m finishing something for good, I want to give it the ending it deserves.

13- Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?

I have quite a few that are unfinished that I know I more than likely won’t ever pick back up, mostly because I just lost my mojo for them, but there are definitely some that I want to finish. I’d really like to get back to Past Meet Present one day. I don’t even remember why I got off track with writing it, and it’s been at least two years or more since I last updated it 🫣 so I’m not sure if anyone would even still be interested at this point, but I’d really like to finish that along with Breaking Point and Us Again.

14- If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first?

No. Maybe. I don’t know, lol. I try to be a “never say never” kind of person, but writing is something that I’ve done for almost five years that literally no one in my real life knows about. Not my friends, not my family, not a single soul. It’s like my dirty little secret. And it’s a little tough because it does get lonely sometimes when you have something that you love doing so much but you just feel like you can’t share or aren’t ready to share that part of yourself with even those closest to you. I’m a pretty self-conscious person, and posting on here where I can hide behind a screen is hard enough; I get nervous and have a good spike of anxiety every time I post something, no matter what it is. I don’t know if I could handle someone who knows me personally even knowing that I write, let alone actually reading something I’ve written. I’ve got the bubble gut just thinking about it 🥴

15 - Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing?

I’ve been lucky enough to talk to and befriend some amazing and talented people in the time I’ve been here who I’ve certainly looked up to when it comes to their writing talents. And there are also those writers who I got to know after I’d been writing for a while that not only continued to inspire me with their amazing stories and talent but who also became a huge support and really close friends. They were and/or are always willing to brainstorm, look over snippets, help in those moments when I’ve been extra critical of myself and feeling very unsure, and/or have just been the absolute best cheerleaders and constantly supportive and encouraging to not only me but others as well. I don’t want to make a list because I always end up forgetting someone and I don’t want to leave anyone out, but anyone that fits that bill above, you know how much I love and appreciate each one of you.

16- Which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series?

I’d say either Always You or Hopeless Hearts for a movie. Series I think Full Disclosure with some Charlotte shenanigans would be pretty fun 😂

17- Do you write original fiction?

I haven’t. I’ve been asked a few times about whether I’ve thought about turning a couple of my series into original stories, but I just don’t think I’ll have the confidence to ever do it 😬

18 - What other hobbies do you have?

I do photography. I love calligraphy and making hand drawn quote signs on wood or canvas. I love to read — I’m currently in my fantasy girl era and have been obsessing over the ACOTAR series for months, lol.

19 - What’s your favorite emoji?

I use so many to express myself in conversations that I think it would be hard to pick just one. My most commonly used ones: 💀 😂 🥲 😬 😍 🥴 🥹

20: BONUS - tell us anything you’d like (if you want to).

I just want to thank CFWC for working so hard to help keep this fandom active and supporting everyone here.

To anyone who’s taken any time to read my stories and interact with me in any way, I appreciate it more than I can say.

This place has been such an escape for me over the past (almost) five years, one I’m still very much in need of. So, whether you’re a content creator, writer, artist, reader, whatever the case may be, whether we’ve interacted before or not, thank you for what you’ve done to help keep this fandom alive.

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foreverethereal123 · 1 year

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Week #44 Prompts

This week’s prompts are:

Prompt 1 — “I trust you with parts of myself I’m afraid to show anyone else.”

Prompt 2 — “Everything that I/she/he was afraid of happening, happened.” (can use “we/they were” in place of “I/she/he was”)

Prompt 3 — “How am I supposed to be calm at a time like this?”

Guidelines:

You have to use at least one of the prompts, but you may use all if you’d like.

The fic can be no more than 2500 words. Word count must be present. Text fics are welcome as well.

The prompts must be used exactly as they are.

Whether you use one, two, or all three, the prompt(s) must be bolded. Please put in your A/N which prompt(s) you’re using.

Use proper warnings/tags for the fics if they require any (nsfw, etc.)

Tag @choicesflashfics when you post and your fic will be reblogged. If your fic isn’t reblogged within 48 hours of posting (because we all know how tumblr tags are wonky sometimes), send a message with the link.

Post your fic by Saturday, August 5th (11:59 EST).

Happy writing!

*just a reminder that asks are open for those who want to submit their own prompt suggestions!*

Tags: @aallotarenunelma @ao719 @bebepac @blackcatkita @boneandfur @burnsoslow @charlotteg234 @choicesfanaf @choiceskatie @choicesmonthlychallenge @dcbbw @deb-1106 @delightfullysweet @emkay512 @foreverethereal123 @jerzwriter @katedrakeohd @kristinamae093 @leelee10898 @lolablackwrites @lucy-268 @mariemarieohcontrary @myglassesareinkansas @neotericthemis @niaellariious @peonierose @petiteboheme @phoenixrising0308 @polishchoicesfan @queenrileyrose @sfb123 @sincerelyella @socalwriterbee @tessa-liam @twinkleallnight @txemrn @writing-not @zaffrenotes

(If I’ve missed anyone, I’m so sorry. Please let me know if you’d like to be added to or removed from the tags. If I’m unable to activate your tag, I will try to reach out in the comments!)

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foreverethereal123 · 1 year

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I WAS LIVING THIS CHAPTER.

I HAVE WAITED YEARS FOR THIS.

DO ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW BADLY I HAVE WANTED THIS ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT TO HAPPEN??? YOU DON’T!!!!!

“I’m trying … to zip … my suitcase,” Croía grunted through laughs. Only able to get it halfway, she let out a breath as she stood, brushing her hair back away from her face as she stared down at it.

She’s so dksndkdkkxckxkxk so me actually…this is me any time I have to pack🥲🥲

Liam smiled, leaning down to kiss her again. His hands slid down from her waist to the backs of her thighs, effortlessly lifting her into his arms. She wrapped her legs around him with a laugh, and his lips curled into a wolfish grin as he pressed her back against the wall, kissing her again, deeper this time.

Look at them enjoying these little moments of domesticity and happiness before shit hits the fan and things blow up. Literally.😍😍

With Liam’s realization of how deep his feelings for Croía really were, he’d been pouring them into her in every way he could think of without actually saying anything. Still worried about making her feel rushed for something she may not be ready for and possibly scaring her off, he refrained from saying those three words out loud. Sure, he had no doubts that there were feelings on her end, but he didn’t want to assume what exactly they were or how strong; he in no way wanted to make her feel pressured to return his sentiments.

BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO SCARE HER OFF OR MAKE HER FEEL LIKE SHE HAS TO SAY IT BACK BECAUSE IT’S COCOA AND SHE’S JUST SO SKXJDKCKKZFKSKCKKDKSZKXKFK SHE WILL GET ANXIOUS AND HE DOESNT EVER WANT TO PUT HER IN A POSITION LIKE THIS!!!🥺🥺🥺🥺

Alia snapped her gaze back to Blaine. “Are you high?”

“I wish,” Blaine chuckled. “Now that would make for an interesting run down the slopes.”

Trust me it WON’T💀💀💀

The whole skiing part I have no idea what the fuck is going on but I am living🤣🤣🤣

Now.

The bathtub scene.

I just could NOT focus and get on it because I was laughing so fucking hard because of the 🤌🏻 YOU HAVE RUINED THIS FOR ME I WAS FUCKING CACKLING DKSMFKZKCKSKVKDKFIKCFK

“Good girl,” he whispered.

The words caused Croía to shudder against him, and Liam smiled in awareness. Over the last several weeks, he found that one of his favorite things was watching her discover new details about herself intimately.

LIKE THE 🤌🏻 IS HAUNTING ME IT’S ALWAYS IN THE BACK OF MY MIND😭😭😭

“I’d have to agree,” Liam grimaced. “I couldn’t imagine being forced to marry someone.”

Ohhhh HUNNYYY....

“But despite the arrangement and Trystan and Juliana constantly bickering over it … somewhere along the way … they actually fell madly in love. And their story — the fiery young prince set to inherit the throne who wanted to revolutionize the country, and this beautiful, bold heiress with the wealth to make it happen — it practically wrote itself. They were so happy and good together. And they would have been so good for Drakovia and would have changed things for the better, but they never … they never got that chance …”

Awwwww man that makes me sad skjdskjdhjksdh I am so out of loop with everything related to CoP and I played the whole book 1 through osmosis because of you kjdhkdjfhkjdhcjkhdf but this is so fucking sad skjdhkdjhcjsdbkjshd

“My father … he would die before ever believing Trystan had anything to do with it. My mother, on the other hand, believes he is responsible, one way or another.”

Okay so her Dad is okay compared to her Mom jskjdhksjdhkj that’s something I guess🥲🥲🥲

“Lean right!” Olivia shouted at Alexei as they started to lose control of their tube and veer toward the tree line. “No! Right!”

“I thought you meant your right!”

“My right is your right, you imbecile!” Olivia yelled just before they lost control of the tube and hit the snowbank in front of the trees.

I CAN’T STOP LAIGHING SKJDHKJSHKDHSKDH

The obscured whirling became a little louder, then distant, louder, then distant. As they came to an open spot in the trail with a view of the slopes in the distance between a section of trees, they heard faint popping sounds.

YESSSS SKSKDKDKGKFOFK

Fucking YES

LET’S FUCKING GO!!!!!!!😍😍

“CROÍA! GET DOWN!” Liam bellowed.

Without a second thought, he dove for Croía, shifting so his back was toward the chopper. Using his body as a shield, Liam wrapped his arms around her and pulled her down into the snow as gunfire broke out from above them.

IEKDKSKCKZKCKISKCKSJDKAJJZJD

IRKSKFKSKDKSKAHJSJWJSHSBWHSHHAJDIXJDNSKFOX

This was so good OMG I SKSJDKKFKZFOSKGOXKOFKDKXKFI I’M SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER THIS WAS SO FUCKING AMAZINGGGGG!!!!! LOVED LOVED LOVEDDDDDD THIS despite the 🤌🏻 trauma

Vancross

Vancross - I’ll Be With You (Chapter 15)

Most of the characters belong to Pixelberry.

Summary: A group of friends embark on their final year at Vancross Institute with the hopes of making it their best year yet. When a new face with a complicated family plagued by secrets and rumors arrives on campus, new friendships are formed, a new relationship blossoms, and threatening challenges arise.

Title inspiration: Dusk Till Dawn - ZAYN

Main Pairing: Liam x F!OC

A/N: Multiple crossover series. There will be random sprinkles of canon throughout this story, but for the most part, it’s pretty much out the window. Thank you to @burnsoslow for prereading! Please excuse any errors.

Rating: M • Warnings: This series will contain nsfw material, language, some alcohol and drug use, and is not suitable for minors. If you read, you acknowledge you are 18+

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#cocoa belongs to P #<- bringing this back actually 🥰

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foreverethereal123 · 1 year

Text

Riley knew she looked polished and unbothered from the outside; her tan silk blouse was perfectly tailored; the leopard print heels barely peeked out of the hem of her navy trousers; the stack of three delicate diamond studded gold chains were draped neatly around her neck.

Okay but this detail though and just HOW MUCH EFFORT SHE ALWAYS ADDS SO NO ONE CAN EVER POINT OUT SOMETHING THAT’S EVEN SLIGHTLY IMPERFECT!!!!!

“The wedding is coming up so fast. It’s been quiet, no threats. It feels like the calm before the storm.”

“You can’t say that!” Liam knocked on the polished wooden floor. “Quick, fix it!”

Marena giggled and rapped her knuckles against the ground.

SHUT UP THEY’RE SO FUCKING ADORABLE I’M MELTING KSSKSKFKSJCJSKFNRJJSKWJSJXKZJ😭😭😭😭😭😭

“Sadly, yes,” Liam brought her knuckles to his lips, kissing them slowly. “I’m nervous about speaking to him tomorrow. It feels strange.”

Ohhhhhhhh they’re talking😀😀😀

Didn’t Olivia tell him to write letters though jakxjmdfskxksjcksjckxk

“What he did to you, how he betrayed you,” Marena’s voice hardened. “I’ll forgive him when you do. Leo and I agreed on it.”

THIS!!!

I love how Marena and Leo had their own talk about it and were like 🤝 and that they decided this together right after everything happened that they wouldn’t even consider anything related to D***e until Liam wanted because HE was the hurt one in this🥺🥺🥺

“However, after your father’s office called and attempted to invest in exchange for not hiring you, I was intrigued.”

eXCUSE ME WHAT????😀😀😀😀

“You have a unique flair,” Ana continued. “Polished, but never boring. There is always one thing in your ensemble that borders on ostentatious. Like your heels today.”

This is a compliment right? I think this is a compliment but I’m not sure sjnxkskxkxkdkxs😭

“I was given strict instructions by the former king. Only certain fabrics, styles, et cetera. Once, I showed him a sketch of a gown that didn’t match his specifications. He screamed. I do mean that literally.”

WHEN ARE HIS BONES CRUMBLING LIKE BISCUITS????? I WANT HIM DEAD😍🥰

“I have a rough sketch.”

“Show me,” Ana commanded, her smile widening. “Let’s get to work, Aurora.”

Yeah this made me smile so big🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 SO ANA IS NOT ALL BAD AFTER ALL AND SHE’S RESPECTING RILEY FOR HER WORK NOT FOR ANYONE OR ANYTHING ELSE WHICH IS ALL SHE WANTED😭😭😭

Leo expected the news to hit him like a brick. While he felt a slight twinge of sadness, that was it. He didn’t miss Katie, he realized. The jealousy he’d felt seeing various news articles about her and William during the engagement tour wasn’t there.

KSNXKSKROAKRIWKIDIAIWOQIAJQYWGEGEHSJHDJSUXJDKFKXOCLDOC

OWLQLAOSKJEEKIDKXKCKDKCIKDKSCKRKJWISKFIFKEOSIDDI

BABY BOY YOU’RE ON A PATH OF HEALING FROM THAT CURSE!!!!!

There was only one person he wanted to speak to.

I CAN’T STOP FUCKING SCREAKING WKZNSKSKDKXJKDIDKFKROAJXHEJTKLXOCVKDKVOSKID AHHHHHSOSKSKFKCKSKDKRKOCKDKDID THIS IS HUGE FOR ME SKDJKSKFDKFOD OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!

“Here,” Leo draped his brown leather coat around her shoulders.

“Thanks,” Riley pushed her arms through the sleeves; the coat was still warm from Leo’s body. She felt her cheeks heat and willed herself to stop.

🥺🥺🥺

They’re so cutekskskskskskskzkmxkxkxjxmckc

“My dad used to pay off various preparatory schools so I didn't get expelled,” Leo smiled wryly. “He knew I wanted to get kicked out, and he did his damnedest to prevent that.”

I wouldn’t expect anything else from him actually 🥰😊😌

“Nice,” Riley laughed. She rested her temple on her palm. “I don’t understand either of them. I know everyone thinks their parents screwed up and vows to be different, but ours really fucked up.”

Ummmmmm.

“You wouldn’t mind?” Leo chewed his lower lip, doing his best to ignore the happiness he felt at the suggestion.

“Of course not,” Riley managed a bright smile, her stomach fluttering. “It’ll be fun.”

THEY’RE GOING TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I loved this chapter so much dkdkgkkdoesjkxkakcoskxkdkkskxksif Leo and how he’s sliiiiiightly going back to his older self and falling for Riley and OMG😭😭😭😭😭 LOVED THIS AND LOVE YOU!!!!!💚🖤💚🖤💚🖤💚🖤💚🖤

Midnights Like This Part Eight: Begin Again

Miniseries Premise: Riley Brooks leaves everything behind to move to Cordonia after accepting her dream job designing clothing for the upcoming royal wedding. Drowning her sorrows one night, she meets Leo. The pair form an unlikely friendship, having more in common than either expected. Their feelings evolve, but neither wants to ruin the friendship. Will they take a chance or be content to stay friends?

Catch Up Here

Chapter Summary: Leo meets with an old friend, Riley gets new information about her father from an unlikely source

Book: TRR/ROE

Pairings: Leo x OC, Liam x MC

Rating: T

TW: Language

A/N: I am participating in @choicesflashfics using the prompt: “You’re allowed to fall apart a little.”

Music Inspo: Begin Again-Taylor Swift

Word Count: 2394

Riley dried her hands quickly, depositing the paper towel in the trash can affixed to the tiled wall. She balled her hands into fists and released them, stretching her fingers before exiting the restroom. She straightened her shoulders and chin before walking confidently down the hall to Ana’s office.

Riley’s stomach was in knots. She had to inform Ana that Liam’s regalia needed to be redesigned. Ana had signed off easily on Olivia’s gown, and Leo’s regalia, but the king’s ensemble was the most important. Riley wasn’t sure how Ana would react.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket, and she hurriedly drew it out. Leo, returning her good morning text and wishing her luck at her meeting. Riley’s lips curled, and she sent a quick message, thanking him and returning the sentiment. A friend of his, Rashad, had arrived back in Cordonia late yesterday evening and asked if he had time to speak. Given Rahsad’s connection to Leo’s ex’s new husband, Leo didn’t think it was news he wanted to hear.

Riley took a deep breath and rapped on the closed office door.

“Ouch,” Liam waved his hand exaggeratedly. “That one stung.”

“I’m sure it didn’t,” Marena waited for Liam to reset, widening his stance and raising his hands. She aimed another punch at the padded gloves, a satisfying thunk echoing in the empty gym. “Okay, my fingers are starting to cramp.”

“We have been at this a while,” Liam glanced at the large clock on the wall opposite Marena. “Almost two hours, my love.”

“Thank god,” Marena lowered herself to the floor, laying against the cool wood. She splayed her arms and legs, closing her eyes and sighing happily.

“You’re hitting harder, that’s good,” Liam sprawled beside her. He swiveled to take his fiancée in, noting the slight frown lines in her forehead and the tension in her shoulders. “You’re tense.”

“Only a little,” Marena opened her eyes, scooting closer to Liam. “The wedding is coming up so fast. It’s been quiet, no threats. It feels like the calm before the storm.”

“You can’t say that!” Liam knocked on the polished wooden floor. “Quick, fix it!”

Marena giggled and rapped her knuckles against the ground.

“We have every possible angle covered,” Liam threaded their fingers together. “Damien has contingency plans in case of emergency.”

“Does that include Drake showing up and objecting?” Marena tried to joke.

“Sadly, yes,” Liam brought her knuckles to his lips, kissing them slowly. “I’m nervous about speaking to him tomorrow. It feels strange.”

“That makes sense, in a sad kind of way,” Marena rested her head against Liam’s shoulder. “I’ve forgiven him, you know.”

“Really?”

“For being gross and annoying toward me,” Marena clarified. “Love makes you do the wacky.”

Liam burst into laughter. “You’re right, as usual. What haven’t you forgiven him for?”

“What he did to you, how he betrayed you,” Marena’s voice hardened. “I’ll forgive him when you do. Leo and I agreed on it.”

“I’m lucky to have you both,” Liam pressed a kiss to Marena’s forehead. “We should get off the floor.”

“Probably,” Marena agreed. “Let’s enjoy this, the quiet. Being completely alone.”

“If you keep saying things like that, you’re going to tempt fate,” Liam knocked on the floor. “Again.”

“The king wants to wear white?” Ana’s shrill question echoed off the office walls. “White!”

Riley smoothed her slacks as she rose from the metal chair across from Ana’s desk. “His exact words were that the black regalia reminded him of a funeral.”

Ana pursed her lips, folded her arms across her chest, and walked to the large windows overlooking the ocean.

Riley waited, clasping her hands together to prevent herself from fidgeting as Ana remained silent.

Ana spun around. “Sit.”

Riley raised a questioning eyebrow and did as Ana asked.

“I wasn’t sure if I should offer you the position at first,” Ana began, tapping one manicured nail on her desk as she leaned over. “However, after your father’s office called and attempted to invest in exchange for not hiring you, I was intrigued.”

All the color drained from Riley’s face. “He did that?” Riley hadn’t told him until she received the job, because she knew he would interfere. Of course, he’d known.

“Yes,” Ana smoothed a lock of hair behind her ear. “I investigated after that phone call; it appears he did the same thing to try to prevent you from being admitted to your alma mater.”

Riley’s eyes widened, and she felt as though she’d been dropped in an ice bath. “I had no idea.”

Riley took a deep breath and swallowed the tears she felt rising. She wasn’t going to fall apart. Not after she’d worked so hard. At least she knew that she got here on her own merits, and that her father’s name had nothing to do with her success. She’d made it in spite of him.

“I looked over your application again, all your designs.” A hint of a smile tugged at Ana’s lips. “I even found your social media profiles to see how you presented yourself.”

“Oh,” Riley tried to formulate more to say, but her thoughts were spinning, and she couldn’t slow them. “You did?”

“Yes,” Ana’s smile grew. “It might have been treading close to crossing a line, but that’s what convinced me.”

Riley sucked in a breath.

“You have a unique flair,” Ana continued. “Polished, but never boring. There is always one thing in your ensemble that borders on ostentatious. Like your heels today.”

“You asked me why I played it safe,” Ana began, taking a seat behind her desk and resting her elbows on the clear surface. “I was given strict instructions by the former king. Only certain fabrics, styles, et cetera. Once, I showed him a sketch of a gown that didn’t match his specifications. He screamed. I do mean that literally.”

“That seems in line with what I’ve heard about him,” Riley shifted to the end of her seat. “I’m sorry, that must have been stressful.”

“I appreciate that,” Ana smiled thinly. “It was. I stopped sketching my own ideas, too terrified of losing my position. I was afraid they’d creep into my work for the king, and I don’t enjoy being reprimanded.”

Riley simply nodded, waiting for Ana to continue. Ana hadn’t lost her edge; she buried it.

“King Liam said in a speech that while he admired his father's commitment to his role, he would not follow in those footsteps,” Ana smiled widely, surprising Riley. “He meant it.”

“That’s good,” Riley said slowly. “Isn’t it?”

“It certainly is,” Ana pushed herself from the chair. “Have you any thoughts on the King’s wedding regalia?”

“I have a rough sketch.”

“Show me,” Ana commanded, her smile widening. “Let’s get to work, Aurora.”

Riley stifled a sigh. Ana made huge strides today. Riley could ignore the use of her full name for the time being.

Leo sat ramrod straight in the teak chair. His glass of water sat on the small white table, condensation forming on the sides.

Rashad sat in an identical chair on the other side of the table. He surveyed the lush gardens, leaning forward before he abruptly stood.

Leo gazed at him cooly, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“I’m just going to come out and say it,” Rashad grimaced, shoving his hands into his pockets. “My father invited William to the wedding. Our families are close, in addition to me being the new CEO-”

“You are?” Leo interrupted. “I hadn’t heard; congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Rashad squinted in the sunlight. He removed a pair of dark glasses from the breast pocket of his blazer and leaned back in the patio chair. “It was announced yesterday. William is stepping back to focus on … he wants a family.”

That didn’t mean he wanted to see her at his brother’s wedding.

“I assume since you’re telling me,” Leo turned the glass tumbler slowly on the metal table, the sides now slick with condensation. “That Katie is accompanying William.”

“Yes,” Rashad folded his hands. “I’m sorry, Leo; I had no idea my father would extend an invitation. His lack of tact is abominable.”

So was Katie’s. Why would she agree to come to Cordonia? The last thing she’d said to him was that she was sorry, but William was her choice. There had been no ring to return; she hadn’t accepted one when Leo proposed.

“Business first, always,” Leo pressed his lips into a thin line. “I doubt I’ll notice her. The wedding will be a big day for my brother, and I don’t intend to be focused on my ex.”

“You’re allowed to fall apart a little,” Rashad let out a long breath. “I wouldn’t handle my former girlfriend showing up with her new husband well.”

Rashad’s ex-fiancée was married too, Leo realized. While Rashad understood better than most, Leo didn’t want to confide in his friend.

There was only one person he wanted to speak to.

A lump appeared in Leo’s throat, and he swallowed thickly. “It’s done. There’s no use moping.”

Riley tidied her desk, arranging stacks of papers into neat piles. She retrieved her bag from underneath her chair, looping it over her arm. She took a deep breath that would make her former yoga instructor proud, a deep inhale through her nose, and a long exhale out of her mouth.

Riley's mind was still running over the news Ana gave her about her father. The worst part was; Riley wasn’t as surprised as she should have been.

As if he could sense Riley’s thoughts, Grant’s name flashed on the phone she held in her left hand.

Riley let it go to voicemail, about to call Leo when his name lit up her screen.

“I wonder if I have powers,” Riley murmured before raising the phone to her ear. “Hi.”

“Hello,” Leo’s anxious voice came down the line. “Do you want to do something?”

“Yes,” Riley started walking to the elevators. “I found out some shit today. How was your meeting?”

“Awful,” Leo admitted, sounding more relaxed. “What shit?”

“Grant,” Riley sighed. “How awful?”

“I’ll tell you over bowling?” Leo knew enough about Riley’s father to understand that this couldn’t be good news.

“Really?” Riley jabbed at the button on the elevator. “You want to bowl again?”

“You just don’t want to lose,” Leo exhaled. “Meet you in twenty?”

“See you there,” Riley ended the call before stepping into the elevator. She felt a little better already.

Riley didn’t take her eyes off the turquoise ball, wincing as it abruptly veered off course and into the gutter.

“Dammit,” Riley muttered as Leo whooped behind her.

“That’s game,” Leo smiled widely. “I win.”

Riley slumped back into the plastic seats beside the scoreboard. “You are way too happy about it.”

“Maybe I should have been a professional bowler,” Leo perched on the chair beside her. “I wonder what the age cut-off is. I could still do it.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Riley couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m buying dinner, as the loser.”

Leo patted her back soothingly, his hand lingering for a second before he removed it. “You played a good game.”

“Liar.”

They emerged into the cool night. Riley wrapped her arms around herself; the air went right through her thin sweater. She hadn’t thought she needed a jacket.

“Here,” Leo draped his brown leather coat around her shoulders.

“Thanks,” Riley pushed her arms through the sleeves; the coat was still warm from Leo’s body. She felt her cheeks heat and willed herself to stop.

“I thought we could go to this tapas place,” Riley began, anxious to distract herself. “Ana hates it, so it must be good.”

Leo chuckled beside her as they walked leisurely down the sidewalk. “Alamaka? I’ve always liked it.”

“I checked the menu online, and they had me at homemade prosciutto.”

Leo smiled softly. “It’s delicious.”

Halfway through a meal of prosciutto, swordfish, and bread with marinated olives, Riley’s phone went off.

Riley removed it from her purse and frowned at the number. “It’s my dad. Again.”

“Are you going to answer it?” Leo asked around a mouthful of swordfish.

Riley contemplated just that, but instead switched the ringer to silent. “Nope. I need more time.”

“My dad used to pay off various preparatory schools so I didn't get expelled,” Leo smiled wryly. “He knew I wanted to get kicked out, and he did his damnedest to prevent that.”

“Really?” Riley’s eyebrows raised. “What did you do?”

“Stole the headmaster's car and crashed it,” Leo leaned back against his chair, crossing his arms. He uncrossed them quickly and leaned forward. “I also got caught skinny dipping with a princess in the pool.”

“You can say that again,” Leo felt a pang in his chest at Riley’s crestfallen expression. Before he knew what he was doing, he scooted his chair closer to hers and covered her hand with his. Riley flipped her palm over and squeezed his fingers; the feeling from the morning he woke on her couch came flooding back.

“What are you going to do about the ex crashing your brother��s wedding?” Riley asked before Leo could get lost in his thoughts. “Bring a date or something?”

Leo hadn’t considered that. His plan was to avoid Katie at all costs. “I suppose I could. I don’t know who to ask.”

“I’ll be there already,” Riley offered. “Technically working, but not after the quick change before the reception.”

“You wouldn’t mind?” Leo chewed his lower lip, doing his best to ignore the happiness he felt at the suggestion.

“Of course not,” Riley managed a bright smile, her stomach fluttering. “It’ll be fun.”

Tags: Perma: @ao719 @appleone @burnsoslow @charlotteg234 @choiceskatie @differenttyphoonwerewolf @emkay512 @foreverethereal123 @gabesmommie1130 @gardeningourmet @iaminlovewithtrr @imashybish @kat-tia801 @kingliam2019 @kristinamae093 @ladyangel70 @lovingchoices14 @lunaseasblog @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @mom2000aggie @nestledonthaveone @originaljudgepiepaper @pixelatedpassion @platapirexy @queen-arabella-of-cordonia @queenmiarys @queenwalton @royalpest @tessa-liam @trrfanaddict @3pawandme @txemrn @21-wishes

Leo x Riley: @mywildheartremains

TRR/TRH: @jared2612 @malblk21

MLT: @alyshak92 @belencha77 @irisk12 @karahalloway @persephone13 @starrystarrytrouble @tinkie1973

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