#idk what happens next a lot of trauma recovery I hope

[lavender-annd-lilac]

So…. 👉👈this popped up on my dash and I was like:

ok I’ve got some time before bed. It’s 2.5k words, and from the warnings it seems like it’s about sexy stuff so there prob won’t be that many opportunities for me to go off on random tangents. Let’s give this a read!!

later: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE I DONE (actually it’s less than that bc I quote u a lot so hahaha it’s maybe like… half?)

anyway idk what happened here😵‍💫. I guess I really got into it lol. Kind of feel bad just dumping it bc I feel like authors feel obliged to read comments so it’s like I’m giving u homework😬… but just pretend I’m a sub so it anything I assign won’t get checked anyway 😂

And I know I just made that big post about what to expect from my comments, but I’ll still include this in case some random person happens to be reading

⚠️My usual disclaimer: nervous attempts at humour = my love language and the only way I know how to show appreciation for things I enjoy. Advance apologies for anything that might offend 😅

it took a damn long time to notify him of one simple need.

I hate delayed notifications. Getting an email to call and confirm my appointment a week before my actual appointment?

🙅‍♀️

DUDE, I need at least a months notice to emotionally prepare myself to make a phone call ok??? U can’t just drop things on me like that smh

the next item on his docket to accomplish if he’s truly set on being a real boy is— well… it’s fucking.

Pinnochio trapped inside a giant whale: well great. Someone couldn’t have told me that sooner??

That trauma and healing requires the body to prioritize in whichever way that’s best for it, so some functions would be delayed indefinitely and return later in their own time.

I feel like this is the stuff doctors say when they have no idea of what’s happening so they’re just like:

of course we know how to manage your recovery!

What can u expect? Well, the body is just going to do whatever, so we can’t really give u any specifics…

But we’re pretty sure your recovery is going to take approximately…. an indefinite amount of time.

Byeeee don’t call if u have any further questions 😃👋

dust floating in a beam of sunlight

Whoa, this is like erotica for cats 😳 didn’t really expect this level of spicy tbh

pair of legs dancing through the kitchen making lunch

Nobody:

Me: hahaha you’re telling me a pair of legs made this lunch? I hope they washed their toes!

*crickets*

Me: bc like… ok u know the joke about shrimp fried rice??? And the boot cut jeans???

Me: get it??? Get it???

The guards outside my cell at Arkham Asylum: settle down over there!!! Bad enough we have to deal with this Joker asshole, we don’t need two of u 🙄

you scoot across hardwood bumping open drawers shut with your hip, and bumping him impishly by way of apology, too

Whoa… is reader… SHAKIRA???

The kind of hard-hitting no shit moment you get when someone tells you the answer to a riddle you’ve been chewing on for hours

This is how I felt when I found out the snap sound when u snap ur fingers if from your finger hitting your palm and not your finger rubbing against your thumb

🤯

an anthropomorphic, raging desire to fuck, and fuck, and fuck.

I mean, isn’t this what men are anyway? Isn’t this the scientific definition of being a man? I think he’s made a full recovery doc!!

Erections are bothersome at best and debilitating at worst

*Justin Timberlake falsetto* 🎵cry me a river🎵

Lol ok yes I’m being unfair to this character…. but like if any other guy said this, I’d be like “if u think erections are debilitating, try bleeding out of your dick for a week every month while simultaneously feeling like your insides are being clawed out while u are being punched in the stomach…oh where does the blood go? Well, u actually have to buy these products with your own money to deal with that. Bc it’s your own problem, u know? Your thing sounds waaay worse and more inconvenient tho, for sure 🙃”

Bucky’s cock is springing to life every half hour like a goddamn jackknife.

Dude… I think… your jackknife is possessed? I think every jackknife you’ve ever seen has been possessed??? They shouldn’t just open by themselves like that

👻

He locks himself inside his room— that suite with the shared bath and double sink

Idk how much Avengers get paid but like… I’d be pissed if my job was to save the world every day and I couldn’t afford a place with enough bathrooms for me to have my own private bathroom

😒

Your lips that have resuscitated him after falling into a river—lips that feel like they’re breathing him back to life now—he knows are the softest.

LMAO WHAT??? He’s just going to casually mention a near death by drowning? Lol ok

🐟

Do you wonder about him? When you smile at him over your shoulder, foot in your bedroom doorway as if propping an invitation open, is that something? Those nights you go on half-hearted dates and come back early, shrugging, “Dunno, felt weird to— I don’t know,” and plop back down, contented to be next to him. Is that something, too?

Wow, who would have thought my paranoid tendency to question everything and see conspiracy theories everywhere would have given me the ability to emphasize with this traumatized man rediscovering his sexuality. Amazing.

🫥

He’s not 16, 20, 23

Me: what do these numbers mean??? Is it a code??? Is there a sleeper agent somewhere reading this and feeling a strong and sudden urge to assassinate a high level politician?

*remembers what I just wrote about my paranoia* haha oh ya nvm 😅

The government agent monitoring my online activity: phew 😮‍💨 that was close

😬

Seventy years later and he’s a steel column of muscle and firepower

He’s… the exhaust pipe on a car?

🚗💨

lol but ok

Pause ⏸️

Note to the author: I just want to say that when I write shit like this I’m not having a go at your writing haha

I actually think this is a really evocative way to describe someone’s body without using the conventional imagery of like marble statue, or toned, taut muscles, etc.

If I had to comment on this in the context of academic discourse or some other kind of formal analysis I’d prob say sthg like:

The comparison to steel conveys a sense of strength and toughness, while the column emphasizes how his muscles are sturdy, solid. “Firepower” as a descriptor stands out bc it’s not a word we usually associate with bodies or organic matter. It’s a term we associate with force, danger, hostility even - unless it is kept under control.

When accompanied by the metaphor of a “steel column” we get the sense that this is someone who is used to thinking of himself as more machine than man - a machine that has been fine tuned and well built - but something mechanical nonetheless. This makes sense given his background of having been used as a sentient “tool” by Hydra for decades.

But like, who wants to read that lmaooo 🤣 the exhaust pipe is funnier😤😤😤, and honestly, I always feel kind of weird doing that literature analysis stuff bc in the back of my mind I’m like…. But what if this isn’t what they wanted to say at all and I’m just grossly misinterpreting them?? 😖

At least with the exhaust pipe thing it’s like a clear and deliberate misinterpretation that is obviously mean to be humorous 🤷‍♀️

lol idk where I was going with this I think I just wanted to say like, that even tho it seems like I’m just riffing or writing an SNL skit that gets cut for time, I do recognize and appreciate the craftsmanship that goes into your writing 👍

Anyway *puts jester hat back on* shall we continue?

▶️

use that newfound strength in his hips to make you his girl

I can see this being a line in a Drake x Shakira collab

Damn, I reused the Shakira reference… need to get my head back in the game after all that serious talk 😾

Bucky’s got a quarter-empty bottle of lotion on his side table.

Oh Bucky, don’t be such a pessimist. It’s not a quarter empty, it’s three quarters full!!

he’s too distracted with it sliding out of his fist, painting his cock

Me: Are u telling me an indeterminate amount of unscented lotion escaped a man’s grip and then proceeded to make this painting of a penis???

Arkham Asylum guards: let’s just kill her and say Scarecrow got out or something

🙄

Grip clumsy and impatient

Me, being chased by guards down the hallway while the Benny Hill music plays in the background:

HA! NO wonder the lotion escaped!!!

Guards:

He shudders uncontrollably, gasping out loud with the wind knocked out of him, and arches up toward the ceiling like he might levitate.

I feel like a lot of self care was mistaken for demonic possession back in the day. Idk why. Just seems like it

🤷‍♀️

He can’t recall if voyeurism was ever his kink, but just this once, maybe it can be.

Yo, I vibe with this. Not necessarily the voyeurism part but the feeling of, “if u gave me a shovel I could dig it”.

Like, I’m not a huge fan of Dancing With the Stars, but I could be, if the right star was dancing, u know?

💫

There’s a rhythm of folded knees, thighs squeezed together in pulses

That’s crazy to be able to like hear a knee being folded. Him and Matt Murdock should have like, some kind of listening competition or something.

👂

rolls out of bed to brush his teeth and shower

2 types of ppl in this world:

those who shower at night ✅

those who shower in the morning

Personally, I prefer night bc like, what is the point of showering in the morning just to get dirty during the day and then go to sleep covered in dirt like a dirt person? Wouldn’t u rather go to sleep as a clean person? Just my (correct) opinion tbh.

🌚🚿✅

You scrub in gentle circles, leaning over to spit and rinse

Dang, reader has better brushing technique when she’s hungover than I do when I’m wide awake and hyper focused on trying not to overbrush my teeth

🦷

He pats off his cheeks, brushes his own teeth with one hand next, the other reaching sideways to

Wait, am I misunderstanding something lol or do some people double grip their tooth brushes like a sword?

Does he usually brush his teeth with both hands? Two toothbrushes for twice the efficiency? One toothbrush for the top teeth and one for the bottom teeth?

I can see Hydra brainwashing him to do this for whatever experimental reason and then no one having the heart to tell him it’s fucking weird after he gets into a better headspace tbh.

🙊

He thinks about how easily a mutual fantasy can come true

The part of my brain that refuses to process positive emotions like hope, or happiness: Hey dude, don’t count your chickens yet or whatever they say. Like, what if he was just dreaming about her dreaming about him and he didn’t actually hear shit? What if

The other part of my brain that just wants some serotonin:

Haha wow, did u make it to the end? Are u looking for the post credits scene? Well keep looking bc all there is here is some MORE TEXT after ALL THAT TEXT!

Uh yeah I liked how I felt like this could go either way while I was reading. Not that telegraphing a “happy” ending or an “angsty” ending is bad, but I liked how my enjoyment of the fic didn’t hinge on the ending…

like this could have turned out to be a Russel Crowe and his “roommate” in “A Beautiful Mind” scenario and I would have been like huh, what a sophisticated rickroll what a great character study 😌

Now here’s some actual serotonin for your brain 😂

patiently waiting for the bucky version of slow hands *sip*

a/n: i got u, boo. here is bucky’s version of “slow hands”. the title is from Kendrick Lamar’s “Poetic Justice”. 2.5k words, which is long for me these days, WOW.

warnings: masturbation, slight voyeurism, being horny drunk, & a mention of trauma recovery, etc. 18+ only please!

brooklyn after dark masterlist

dark room, perfume*

It takes Bucky about six months before he realizes that for all his body’s success at convalescence, for all its attempts to recalibrate into some facsimile of normalcy, it took a damn long time to notify him of one simple need.

Either traitorous or plain stupid, a portion of his brain suddenly decides to understand that besides breathing, eating, drinking, and sleeping, the next item on his docket to accomplish if he’s truly set on being a real boy is— well… it’s fucking.

He was warned a lot could take a while to catch up. That trauma and healing requires the body to prioritize in whichever way that’s best for it, so some functions would be delayed indefinitely and return later in their own time.

Apparently, “indefinitely” meant six months and “return” meant a reappearance like a wrecking ball, an atomic bomb, the Big-fucking-Bang.

He arrives at this conclusion in the afternoon. Two o’clock on a leisurely Saturday with the T.V. droning in the background and dust floating in a beam of sunlight. A stream of hot white slashing across the air and on the pair of legs dancing through the kitchen making lunch.

Hair sleep-wild, shirt crumpled and tucked in with two fingers into the hem of your shorts, you scoot across hardwood bumping open drawers shut with your hip, and bumping him impishly by way of apology, too. Woke up late after night of watching movies and you had promised to make breakfast, but due to tardiness, elected on lunch instead.

He’s baffled when it hits him. The kind of hard-hitting no shit moment you get when someone tells you the answer to a riddle you’ve been chewing on for hours, trying to decipher that missing component you just can’t get a grip on. And when the answer wakes up your brain, and your brain face-palms itself, you’re walloped with both relief and irritation.

In Bucky’s case, he’s walloped with the scent of spearmint toothpaste and soap-clean skin only lightly musky. Saltiness lingering from an evaporated sheen of sweat, a dampness that dried over, previously wet from a specific type of touch.

You sail beneath his nose, ducking into the opened refrigerator, and that scent— that intoxicating sweetness he remembers pulling out of past lovers, sucking off his fingers, savoring in his throat— crashes into him with its entire, terrifying, exhilarating implication.

Fuck.

He’s dried tinder shoved into a firepit, aflame head to toe. It goes up his fingertips, his knuckles, his arms and shoulders and every dormant nerve begins to unstitch towards you. He feels it, his bottom lip between his teeth, his eyes rolling, spine tingling, the hollow of his throat bobbing at new knowledge.

Last night, after corking up the wine bottle and cleaning the scatter of empty chip bowls and hummus plates, you washed your face, giggly. And then you said goodnight with a woozy grin, your finger on the light switch, and then—

You touched yourself.

And the idea of that— the lightning storm of many ideas, the flash flood of thoughts he viscerally half-knows, now half-experiencing for the first time is too, too much.

He splits.

The bathroom door’s latched before you can ask him where he’s going. The shower gushes freezing cold water and Bucky stands beneath it with one hand on the tile for support. He’s panting, shivering, squeezing his eyes shut until he can call himself a sentient person and not just an anthropomorphic, raging desire to fuck, and fuck, and fuck.

-

He staves it off for an evening but he’s not stupid. Erections are bothersome at best and debilitating at worst and now his body is on a warpath.

How has he survived? What the hell has he been doing, living with you, sitting on the living room couch sharing blankets, watching T.V., mundanely passing his time with all work and no play like a celibate dumbass?

Is that why Sam’s been giving him those shit-eating grins as he angles his head to the left, drawling phrases like “how’s being co-ed’s workin’ out”, “you learn anything new”, “getting back into the swing of things yet”?

Swinging is… an understatement.

Bucky’s cock is springing to life every half hour like a goddamn jackknife. He locks himself inside his room— that suite with the shared bath and double sink countertop where you brush your teeth and grin at him before bed.

Bed.

Where you lie your pretty head down with your minty fresh lips parting like a full moon split in half, fingertips exploring yourself beneath sheets. Or, you might be the kind of girl who sleeps naked, who peels off her clothes and stretches out on the duvet, shameless, effortless, gorgeous.

It rocks him to the core how much he misses sex. He can’t believe he forgot about sex.

The curves of a woman’s figure, the softness of her lips. Your lips that have resuscitated him after falling into a river—lips that feel like they’re breathing him back to life now—he knows are the softest. The back of your knees, the inside of your wrists, that high spot on your spine his thumb pressed down on once as he guided you through a crowd, seemingly innocent places that make you think twice. He could spark something inside you there, so that when you slink away on nights like last night, he’ll be sure you’re wondering about him.

Do you wonder about him? When you smile at him over your shoulder, foot in your bedroom doorway as if propping an invitation open, is that something? Those nights you go on half-hearted dates and come back early, shrugging, “Dunno, felt weird to— I don’t know,” and plop back down, contented to be next to him. Is that something, too?

It doesn’t help that he dreams, wading off, unable to stop his mind from roving deeper into the last notion he had. Try as he might to steer himself into safer waters, he drifts out to sea and toward the figment of your touch.

So, he touches you back, and realizes his body remembers how to move in all the ways he used to and better. He’s not 16, 20, 23. He’s not at the tail end of a gangly period of growth or entombed by the standards of a cloistered, virtuous decade. He’s not starved thin on rations, scrambling in an alleyway behind a dusty bar and up a waitress’ skirt.

No, he’s looked in the mirror since then. Seventy years later and he’s a steel column of muscle and firepower, confident inside his demigod’s body.

He could be dominant, if that’s what you asked of him— and you might, hovering there in the black hole of his desire. You might ask him to hold your wrists above your head and scrape his teeth along your throat, use that newfound strength in his hips to make you his girl.

He should have fucked you a long time ago on the couch to the soundtrack of a forgotten movie. On the counter, interrupting breakfast, scrabbling for something to grip, knocking shit over, too fevered to care.

He’d do you right. Do you long and good and how you deserve.

“Buck—" you’d cry for him, “Can’t believe we haven’t done this before.”

“Yeah,” he’d say, “You’re so fucking warm, and hot, and my god, I’m gonna fuck you until you can’t take it anymore. Gonna get up inside you, baby, gonna open you up, gonna ruin you for everyone else.”

Did he have a dirty mouth back then? He can’t remember. It feels natural, though.

Bucky’s got a quarter-empty bottle of lotion on his side table. Snagged from beneath the sink and unscented for sensitive skin because you said it’d be best since strong fragrances might irritate or trigger him, and you weren’t wrong about that. He wants to laugh at the irony, but he’s too distracted with it sliding out of his fist, painting his cock. He’s dead tired from trying to regulate himself all day along with dodging you, lying about it, just fucking stressing.

It took some convincing, but you gave him space. 10 feet away from his trembling insides and on the other side of the door, you mentioned that you’ve been meaning to get drinks with Wanda for a while now and he could always text you. Thanks, and you’re welcome, get a taxi and have fun, see you later bye bye, and then he was safe.

His body wants to go to sleep. But it also really wants to come.

He starts almost too fast. Grip clumsy and impatient but he remembers this part: when pleasure becomes the only thing you want, so you want to prolong it and prolong it. He lets go, lets his hand rest on his thigh, takes a few shallow breaths and tries again.

This time, almost delicate. His hand is relaxed when he eases into it, allowing the underside of his shaft a slow glide, the tip of his cock a featherlight pass over his callused palm.

And then, rapid fire. Your gorgeous tits in his mouth, slapped at and bitten. Your clit, rubbed hard and fast. Your lips, kissed until bruised, then further by his cock thrusting inside. The gloss of perspiration beading on your collar and chest and how your hips would look as you sat on your knees and when you sucked him to the edge of orgasm—Bucky squeezes and pulls off, then he does it again, the drag of his fist making a delicious, sloppy sound—he thinks he’d want to flip you over.

Scratch that. He wants to see you. Wants to witness the swollen rim of your open mouth, the silent request to swallow him.

That knocks him over. He tips all the way off and damn prolonging the pleasure; there was no way he could have with the kind of visual playing out in his mind.

Bucky comes so much it’s astonishing. He shudders uncontrollably, gasping out loud with the wind knocked out of him, and arches up toward the ceiling like he might levitate. And then, on the comedown, because being backed up for who knows how long wound him up for the kind of orgasm that decides to return for an encore, he comes again.

His balls hurt afterwards, and his eyes will hardly stay open, and the fog in his room is a haze of semen and sweat, but his head’s finally clear now and he’s got enough willpower to clean up and crack the window.

His back hits the mattress and he’s out like a light.

-

A car door shutting wakes him up.

A clatter of heels up porch steps, a muffled “shit!”, the deadbolt latching, and then keys and a purse tossed onto the carpet.

You’re home.

Bucky looks over to the clock. 2:34, and you’re stumbling in and cursing yourself with, “Sorrysorrysorry,” hushed, to an empty room, “Nnnnn—gotta wash up— shit, shit, Buck’s asleep. Do it in the kitchen. Yeah, okay.”

He’s still exhausted from earlier, so he settles on drifting back to sleep, maybe waking you up in the morning with a big mug of coffee for that inevitable hangover you’ll have. Business as usual because he’s got it out of his system and his body will return back to normal for a bit. He might have to schedule it in once a day, but he’ll figure it out. Besides, it’s just a private fantasy, safe and sound, contained in his head.

Adults have fantasies. He’ll get over it.

He yawns and grins when your hip bumps the counter, your feet pattering away, and the kitchen faucet turns on with a rush. You’re such a considerate dope. Three sheets to the wind but you still manage to lock the door, turn off all the lights, and keep the banging around to a minimum. He’s glad to have you.

Another yawn. He’s asleep again.

-

“Mmm…”

He wakes up for the second time.

It’s barely audible at first, especially if he was still an oblivious celibate, but now it’s like his ears can comprehend a new language, like all his capabilities have been unlocked.

Or maybe it’s just because you’re off your face and don’t remember he’s got that super hearing thing.

He can’t recall if voyeurism was ever his kink, but just this once, maybe it can be. His curiosity takes hold, lights up upon hearing a stifled groan of two syllables that sound surprisingly like his name. If he focuses, he can dampen the nighttime outside his window, smother out the air conditioning and—

“Bucky… that’s… oh, it feels so good…”

His cock springs back to life.

There’s a rhythm of folded knees, thighs squeezed together in pulses, fingers reaching between them, and the hot, pleading breaths you puff into the clamped grasp of your hand. Even your heart, wildly banging around in your chest. He takes note of the tempo and dives beneath the waistband of his boxers, keeping pace.

“There, faster… don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop.”

He thinks, I won’t, and finds it a little quaint how this entire thing seems to be mutual, after all.

-

He wakes for a third time, in the late morning, and rolls out of bed to brush his teeth and shower. He definitelysmells like sex, and when he opens the door to the bathroom, you’re already at the counter, also smelling like sex. Bucky slyly looks down and adjusts himself, tilting his groin away and out of view.

“Mornin’” You rub at your temple, hungover. “Think you were in my dream last night,” you say absently, blinking out the sleep, ungracefully squeezing toothpaste onto your toothbrush where it falls off in a goopy pile. You scrub in gentle circles, leaning over to spit and rinse, and come back up wet and bleary. As Bucky washes his face, you tug his towel from the rack.

He pats off his cheeks, brushes his own teeth with one hand next, the other reaching sideways to swipe a rolling bead of water off your neck, purposefully running his thumb up your throat.

Low and encouraging, he asks, “Yeah? Was it a good dream?”

You blink in quick flutters at that, surprised and abruptly reliving a fuzzy memory, a prickle of dew casting itself over your brow.

“Y-yes,” you stutter, sudden heat rippling off your body, that lovely perfume of incoming arousal rising to meet him. When you stumble back, flustered, he holds you still, sets you on your shaky feet.

Bucky licks his lips, thinks about how maybe this won’t be a thing he’ll simply get over, how he is quite glad to have you, and maybe he can have more of you, too.

He thinks about how easily a mutual fantasy can come true and murmurs, “That’s good, sweetheart. That’s real good.”

[donuts4evry1]

Hi, mun Donut! Hope you're having a good day! I was wondering if you have any fic recs for us right now?

Wow, this was sent a long while back haha. Might as well answer it now since I am feeling relatively of sound mind :)

Unfortunately don’t really have the energy to read much fanfic nowadays but there have been a couple that I’ve enjoyed. This gets a little long so I’ll put it down under the cut

First off I’d like to plug a fic that my friend @kotekie​ has been writing for like, 2 years called “Forever in the Manor”. It’s on ao3 and their writing is absolutely SPECTACULAR. It’s for IDV though and not many people know about it so. Idk read it if you like good writing. Their writing is incredibly descriptive and beautiful and I adore it so much.

And next is just submas fanfictions because I’ve really only been reading those so far. These are in order of how easy it was for me to find on my saved browser lists

First off is “Tracks A-B -- Mutli-Track drifting through time“ is definitely one of my favourites. Maybe in my top 3. It’s incredibly hilarious, emotional, and wonderful and I adore someone FINALLY writing all of the depot agents in the Battle Subway. Each one of them has such a unique and interesting personality.

Ingo and Emmet are also there, and while they are separated they are extremely well written. Neurodivergency is naturally well represented here too, seeing as the author is neurodivergent themselves. Give it a go if you want to, if you’re going to read any fic on my recs list it has to be this one :).

“heart hungry like a fire” is my next recommendation! I don’t think I’ve seen anyone write Emmet as wonderfully as atticus has. His dialogue is like- awesome. It mirrors canon Emmet almost perfectly and seamlessly blends his addition to the PLA story we all know and love.

I’ll also put “Ever Since I Could Remember” and its sequel(?) “Have Mercy On Me“ here because I have a lot to say about them. (For the record, I think they are great and worth a read but I have a lot of personal feelings about em)

For the first fic, right off the bat you can tell it uses a counting stim as a clever literary device to show progression of time, tension, and a sort of resolution. Horrible things happen to Ingo. Emmet is stressed out of his mind. Everything is worded beautifully, though, and it just makes you want to read more! I love the way trauma and neurodivergency is represented here. It’s so natural and casual, and the author somehow weaves it in seamlessly with the writing style so it’s just. MORE amazing hsdjfhbg. They are also both trans and it’s great :). Drayden is their dad in this fic, and Iris is basically their sister. (Drayden does deadname Ingo here, though. And Emmet doesn’t seem to like him very much. As a Drayden-liker this was hard for me to read :<) There’s more but honestly I think I’m done skimming through the first fic. Can’t let this become a summary!

The second fic confused me quite a bit, to say the least. Ingo’s relationship with Irida really stood out to me the most (because I didn’t really understand what was happening lmao) but there was definitely a lot going on with everyone else as well. It mostly focuses on Ingo’s path to recovery,  but there was this one part that touches upon his asexuality and I AM LIVING FOR IT (it does involve him almost being in an uncomfortable situation surrounding sex though. which is. not good, but I loved how it portrayed that nonetheless hehe ;w;)

Oof, that was long umm what do we have next??

OH! “Detours” is definitely up there as one of my favourite fics :). The writing style is what I describe as fresh and crisp (whatever that means) and I think each character is written extremely well and realistically. The story is aWESOME (basically Ingo and Dawn are reverse isekaied into Sinnoh while rei is actually isekaied into SInnoh) and there are twists and turns and things are happening and it’s all incredibly engaging. I still read it regularly haha.

And umm finally we have “Lost Tracks of Time” (which also is hosted on @/teamconductors hehe). I enjoy the story (it’s based off a PMD au for the submas where Ingo is a hisuian sneasel and emmet is a johtoian sneasel) and their writing for the characters (as well as the nobles) is really quite fun! I enjoy sneasler being the accidental older sister figure to the two haha, it’s so funny :)). They also write battles like, REALLY, REALLY good. I don’t think I’ve read a battle and thought “woah, I understood it. and ENJOYED it” before until I read Lost tracks of time haha.

so um yeah that’s it I hope you enjoyed the ramble

[itsclydebitches]

hello! loved your tbb meta posts (10/10 analyses of the batch and their respective characterizations), but since it wasn't explicitly mentioned -- did you catch the post-s1 interview with jennifer corbett (head writer) and brad rau (exec producer)? their answers about crosshair's chip being out were Interesting (tm) but fairly definitive-sounding, so I'm wondering what your thoughts on it might've been.

Hey there, anon! Thank you—I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed them :D

I’ve heard this info second-hand and ran into one written interview on the topic (idk if it’s the same one you’re thinking of), but my first response is… arguably a reach lol. Not to start off with a tin hat on, but it’s always possible that the writers are lying. Which yes, yes, we have a knee-jerk reaction against the idea of anyone lying for any reason, but in this case, it would be in service of both the writer’s plans and the audience’s enjoyment. Let’s say for the sake of argument that Crosshair’s chip is definitely still in and the entire point of this setup is a double twist: first the reveal that his chip is gone, then the real reveal that it’s actually still in and Crosshair was lied to (among other possibilities). How can the writers discuss him during hiatus without revealing that twist? By playing the current knowledge straight, despite the fact that they know otherwise. Yup, Crosshair’s chip is out. Yup, he chose this 100% willingly. Nothing else to see here, folks! To do otherwise would be to reveal the twist way too early. Even refusing to answer the question, dodging it, would give it all away. Imagine if during a season finale we’re meant to believe that a character is dead and then during hiatus an interviewer asks how the cast will mourn them. If the writer refuses to answer, every fan will realize that Something Is Up and what’s the main possibility here? That they’re not actually dead! Twist spoiled… unless the writer pretends that what the audience currently knows is definitely the truth here.

Taking my tin hat off now, these interviews are one of the main reasons why I’m worried about the writing moving forward. Because despite the paragraph above, I’m by no means convinced that the writers are skillfully keeping up a lie to avoid spoilers. It’s not outside the realm of possibility, but it’s not necessarily likely either. Which leaves us taking their words at face value and that’s… a problem. Because as so many fans have already pointed out, the writing is setting up a twist that, according to these interviews, doesn’t exist. That doesn’t say good things about their intentions for the show vs. what actually ends up on screen and that kind of disconnect becomes frustrating for viewers very quickly. Take the headaches, for example. I’ve seen a couple of fans explain Crosshair’s away using the engine accident: “His face got burned up, of course his head still hurts. You’re reading too much into this.” But imagine for a moment if I’d tried to do the same thing for Wrecker prior to “Battle Scars”: “He gets thrown around and hits his head nearly every episode, of course it hurts. You’re reading too much into this.” Other fans would have—quite rightfully—explained to me how television works and that this repetitive problem is functioning as foreshadowing of a larger problem. With a side of the fact that this is an action show where the characters consistently shrug off their injuries. We’re not supposed to take Wrecker getting thrown around seriously. He’s the brawn of the group, meant to withstand a lot of damage, with any injuries being presented as either #cool (Wrecker shrugs off Fennec’s hits to go after Omega, yeah!) or #funny (Wrecker treats Crosshair shooting him like a badge of honor lol), not something he’s going to have to grapple with in a serious manner. So the audience recognizes the question, what’s more likely? That Wrecker’s headaches are a deliberate visual cue on the part of the writers to tell us that something important is happening, or that suddenly how the genre treats injuries has drastically changed?

It's precisely the same with Crosshair. He’s not the brawn like Wrecker is, but he’s still the action (anti)hero who shrugs off injuries because this is a show interested in more fun, explosive plot, not a deep dive into recovery. (See also: the story doing nothing with Echo’s trauma.) When Crosshair is injured, he’s immediately fighting to get back into a ship and when we next see him he’s passed the recovery stage entirely. There’s only a scar to show that this happened at all. We don’t watch him getting bacta skin grafts, or worrying about his eyesight, or struggling to eat, etc. The point is that he was injured for the purposes of that episode and now he’s not. So why would we think his headaches are a long-term symptom when the show is otherwise not at all interested in writing long-term symptoms? What’s more likely, that this familiar visual cue is being repeated to tell us that this is the chip, just like it was with Wrecker, or that the story is randomly interested in something it never was interested in before?

The audience is right to think that there’s more going on because the show has been written to say, "Something more is going on." The headaches, Crosshair’s refusal to give concrete information, the group conveniently not using Tech’s scanner, the burn scar hiding where the chip’s scar would be, a lack of motivation for the Empire removing the chip, not seeing its removal when the show did include its power being amplified… all of these are deliberate writing choices to set up another reveal. But, if we take the interview at face value and learn that these weren’t deliberate details… then what? The writers are making mistakes? Throwing in “clues” for the hell of it that they never intend to cache in on? Unless there’s some amazing answer here that allows for both these inconsistencies' explanations and the writers’ hard stance—something I personally can’t think up—then we’re left with is a pretty serious flaw in the show. A flaw that’s going to undermine the audience’s trust in everything we get from here on out. The next time we see something that feels like a cool setup/reveal, half the fandom will be going, “Yes! It totally means that ___ is going to happen!!” while the other half will be going, “… does it? Because we thought things were happening with Crosshair and that went nowhere.” Writers have to tackle the implications of what they’ve put on screen. Otherwise, the story falls apart.

So yeah, I’m aware of those hard “His chip is out and this is his choice” statements and, frankly, they make me nervous for season two. Because what the show needs is to engage with what we actually got in the finale: an ambiguous state of Crosshair’s chip, a number of hints that it might still be in there, and an ethical dilemma that, so far, hasn’t acknowledged how much of an influence the group’s decisions have had on Crosshair’s. I tackled most of this in the first analysis, but something I didn’t unpack there was the “choice” of not leaving with them. I mean yes, by all exact definitions—and if we accept that the chip really isn’t there—then Crosshair absolutely had free will in that moment to do as he pleased. But life is way more complicated than that. Imagine for a moment that I put two candy bars in front of you. “You can have whichever one you’d like,” I say. You reach for the one on the left and I glare, hard. I scoff at you. I mutter about your choices, your personality, your flaws, and your mistakes. So you reach for the one on the right instead and I’m… neutral. Okay then. Right candy bar it is. “They could have chosen the one on the left” someone watching claims. “Nothing was stopping them. No one put a gun to their head!” And yeah, the concept of “stopping them” was never that extreme… but the more compassionate, nuanced look acknowledge that some measure of “stopping them” did exist. Insults. Cruelty. A clear indication that one choice was wrong and the other was right. That’s one hell of an influence, even if it's not as formidable as a gun or a chip.

And that’s what Crosshair is dealing with. Yes, joining the Empire is clearly wrong and yes, a non-chipped Crosshair has free will to walk away from it… but walking towards TBB was never presented as a real option for him. He saw that through their inaction when they never came back for him. Then in Hunter’s refusal to admit that they’d made a mistake in leaving him behind. Wrecker putting all responsibility on his shoulders, despite knowing what the chip does to someone. Tech backing him up and framing this situation as stemming solely from Crosshair’s base personality—“severe and unyielding.” It’s seen in the always-loving Omega walking away from him in the barracks, in Crosshair’s hesitation to follow them to safer ground (and boy oh boy, do I have sad headcanons about that), and most especially, in their reactions to him saving Omega. What Crosshair learns in that moment is that they honestly believe that he, not the Empire's chip, but he would shoot Hunter and that saving their little sister is not a point in his favor. It's met only with glares and a need to disarm himself. They don’t trust him and actions that should produce trust are outright ignored, so… where can they go from here? Nowhere, according to TBB’s actions. They’re not giving Crosshair any wiggle room, any hope that these relationships can be repaired, or any acknowledgement that they had a hand in things getting this bad. So when they offer to let Crosshair come with them—which is very significantly presented as an obligation, not something they want—he knows that offer is BS. Whatever their real feelings might be (because the found family show obviously wants us to believe that everyone loves each other), their actions have said loud and clear that they don’t want him. That yes, he could technically walk onto that ship… but that it would be the “wrong” decision accompanied by more insults, scoffs, and pressure to do otherwise. That once he's there, he'll be treated only as a threat with any good deeds ignored. It's an awful offer outside of it being the morally correct decision when it comes to leaving the Empire... so Crosshair reaches for the right candy bar instead.

That very long tangent out of the way, THIS is what season two has to grapple with, along with all that ambiguity and the existence of these "The chip is still here" hints. But the interviews don’t seem to acknowledge that all of this exists, instead framing things as if we’d ended the finale knowing for sure that the chip is out and had watched a season where Crosshair is 100% responsible for everything that’s happened, no Empire or TBB influence involved. The way the interviews frame things doesn’t match up with the text, so I can only hope this is an example of bad communication, or the writers keeping a spoiler under wraps, because otherwise… season two might be frustrating to watch, with fans continually going, “Why are you ignoring that this happened? Why are you pretending that all of this is simpler than it actually is?”

[lordelmelloi2]

I think also that's why I've become very drawn to the Beasts as characters in that here they are in all of their pain and suffering and glory grandly attempting to essentially end the world because they can not cope with their realities. the methods they use are manipulative and have massive repercussions and they break trust easily. kiara and kama both have valentines scenes in which they subtly manipulate you to fall into their trap. But both of them also have options in those valentine's scenes to draw the line. in a sense it's like holding them at arm's length -- you love them, you care about them, but this is the limit and I know this is what will happen next if I let you go any further. it's not so much an insult so much as it's an attempt to build trust in them by putting your foot down an expecting them to respect it. and they do! they have ends that feature them respecting your choices. that's growth and shows that you choose to have trust in them.

kiara in particular has grown on me because knowing her deeply tragic childhood and how that's affected her and also the stuff with Zepar and the kind of person she became, the beast she became, and then the post-beast she became who advises Koyanskaya to rein herself in and choose to be respectful in Chaldea is just like.... it's impressive to me. She gives me a lot of hope in a different direction than Waver does. Kiara is an example of a "bad person" trying to be "good". Kiara's motivation was based in her trauma and how that affects her view of the world (her delusion that for all of the pain she endured to be justified, she must be the only 'real human').

I want to give her credit where credit is due!!! I want to give all of the Beasts credit and allow them that space to rehabilitate and learn and grow from trauma and their behaviors that reinforced it. but they can't heal if you continually reinforce that they are Only Bad and don't put any trust in them. that doesn't foster recovery at All. it is only because you trust them and build a relationship based off of that trust that they feel that they can live up to it. being fair to them means being fair to yourself and being firm too. idk where I'm going with this I'm just a Beast Liker and I want Goetia to come home too

[bigsteeb]

this is gonna be a long post so bear with me, growing pains got a b i g emotional reaction out of me & I need to share my thoughts & feelings about it because jesus fucking christ.

ok first things first, someone hug this boy immediately. he’s sat in his room, still in his pajamas, in day time watching dog copter. this whole scene is just steven going “lol I’m sad, I’m gonna comfort eat & stay in my pajamas & watch a kids show I watched when I wasn’t as sad haha” & it’s not only upsetting, but relatable too fuck. his room is a mess along with him eating ice cream at what I assume is morning… making it his breakfast? geez steven. also idk if it’s just me here but in this shot he looks… bigger? like ignoring his body size shifting later on in the episode he looks a lot wider than he usually does when paul & drew board episodes to me, he’s rivalling etienne & maya’s steven’s wideness. did he… get chubbier from comfort eating? how much time has passed since together forever for him to put on weight if he has? this could literally just be steven slouching or his pajamas making him look bigger but as someone who is an advocate for the body positivity shown in su & suf it has me curious. I want to hug this soft, sad boy. It could also be due to how steven’s design fluctuates through the animation process, it’s never really on model all the time. 

the grunting noise he makes in this scene is very distressing, as are other moments from the episode too. a glimpse at the glow-bracelet he proposed to connie with is enough to physically pain him? fuck me man. is he leaving his room where there’s already ice cream… to get more ice cream? sobs. also the puns in this shot. I cant? slow burn?! you’re evil crewniverse. not to mention his body size changing throughout this scene, god this poor lad.

screams, this was when I started worrying. the boy is now in an environment he has never been in before & is feeling extremely uncomfortable & vulnerable. look at the lines under his eyes, his sad eyebrows & pout I hate it. also don’t even get me started on this part. the slight raise of a voice being enough to send him into panic?! fuck I hate how much I relate to that. 

here’s where I immediately broke, no god damn pun intended. seeing steven’s skeleton, steven’s fucking skull, like this pained me. that crack on his skull is from fucking jasper in jail break. I can’t express all of the visceral emotions that were going through my body at this. there was intense sadness for steven, extreme anger at jasper & the gems for allowing shit like this to happen to him. turns out he’s not as resilient as we thought he was. each hit he takes physically breaks him & then his gem instantly heals his wounds, my heart fucking broke at this. think back to everything that happened to him, everything that physically hurt him. it broke him I can’t deal with it! then there’s what priyanka says to steven next;

“you seem to of made a series of miraculous recoveries, but that doesn't change the fact that you experienced trauma. you’ve recovered physically but, have you recovered mentally?”

this part here along with her reassuring him that there’s nothing wrong with his brain, how childhood trauma can have an impact on how your body responds to stress & how you act in your social life, the usage of the word “cortisol” too. this stuff being in a children's tv show is incredible. the writing for priyanka describes trauma simply enough for kids to understand, but for adults to fully realise too. folks, steven has ptsd. there wasn't one bit of sugarcoating about it or nothing, this is canon fact & it hurts me. for so long have I wanted steven’s emotional issues to be alked about, to not only be brought to steven’s attention but to the audience’s too.

everything that has happened to him has built up to this moment. this moment where his behaviour & coping methods are finally making sense to a large majority of the fandom, & to steven himself. he’s hurting; physically, mentally & emotionally, & he isn’t coping well what so ever about it. his emotional support system is complete garbage, no one regularly checks in on him & folks just take steven at face value like “oh yea glowing pink? he’s fine it’s just steven” but he’s the bad person?! I hope a lot of you out there who genuinely believe steven is a bad person re-think yourselves after this. dealing with trauma is tough as shit. some days you even wonder if that one thing that fucked you up is really worth being labelled as trauma. I still can’t believe this is the route they’re taking, if he doesn’t get some form of therapy by the end of future I’ll be furious.

then things begin to spiral as he remembers what happened with connie. he clutches his chest in pain & begins changing size over intense amounts of stress & it was extremely distressing to watch. steven immediately reassures connie that this isn’t because of her, but because of everything else that happened to him. however. I believe that that’s a slight lie, he wouldn’t of spiralled if he hadn’t of remembered the proposal, steven you fucking himbo. he continues to reassure them both that he’s fine, just that he needs them to leave so he can calm himself enough to control himself.

then this happens.

“I. CAN’T. BE AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW!”

this was fucking intense. he means this literally in 2 ways btw. his body size shifting over the stress he’s feeling is a danger to both connie & priyanka in this moment, but it’s also because of how it started. being around connie hurts him. he’s not mad at her though let me make that very clear, just that thinking about what happened when he tired to propose to her is sending his head in a fritz. he did what he did full of confidence in together forever, for connie to then make him realise how silly he was being. these two are destined for each other, but that advice from ruby & sapphire has really fucked with him. he looks up to those 2, looks up to garnet, their relationship is so strong & stable. for them to give him that advice & to then scream “DO IT!” in his face is incredibly tasteless imo.

then greg gets here. I knew connie was calling for either greg or the gems when she was on her phone as she left the room, fuck yea connie I love you. the breathless, strained “thank you” from steven towards connie for calling his dad? g o d. connie telling him she’ll be there for him when he’s ready?! g o d. these next boards were done by rebecca, I knew immediately when I saw steven’s face. it makes sense that rebecca boarded these, because fuck. 

how do I move on from all of the stuff I’ve been through? how do I live life if it always feels like I’m about to die!?

I’m tearing up as I type this. when I first heard the leak of this audio I so badly wanted to believe it, but to also believe it was fake too. I was an emotional mess off & on for about 3 days over it because I couldn't stop thinking about how fucking distressing it was. like… shit steven. he seriously feels this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain he felt just saying this in front of his fucking dad. he is hurting badly. this boy, this sweet sweet boy we’ve watched grow & develop into the person he is today is distraught about his future & life. it is… soul crushing to watch this. a group of friends of mine have found joking about the episode as a form of coping with the intensity of it & as much as that’s valid as fuck, any joke coming from this episode feels morally wrong to me. I can’t bring myself to join in it feels terrible even thinking about laughing at it to cope. I love them all, but I can’t bare myself to join them. this moment ending with greg comforting steven, telling him he’s here for him & all of his struggles, got me weeping. greg is possible the best father figure I’ve seen on tv, let alone a kids tv show. he’s amazing.

the final scene right here is lovely. greg making steven a hot chocolate & listening to him vent, reassuring him over his worry for his future. this right here is exactly what steven needs. someone to talk to, someone he could trust to talk about his feelings to. this the start of his support system, tag on peri from in dreams, bis in bismuth casual as well as connie from the past few episodes & it’s already looking great! even when greg eased him about being there for him steven still feels guilty about him leaving his tour, leaving his tour because he got a phone call from connie about his son being in need & steven feels guilty about it. fucking hell man. I did enjoy how the episode ended though, with that little moment between the both of them;

“just get some rest kiddo. you don’t have to solve all of your problems in one night.”

“yea. thanks dad.”

it’s a great message too, all of your struggles can’t be dealt with all at once. I’ve used a similar analogy before but it’s like removing a dead tree. you have to deal with all of the little things surround this issue first before you get to the deep, harder stuff. along side the message about trauma they’re both very important messages, I’m glad they exist in the show.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

one more thing before I end my thoughts & feelings over growing pains.

this ending shot;

as soon as I saw the frog mug my mind raced back to the promo for this scene, & this whole moment to come entirely. if you remember this moment has the first set of leaked audio within it, the audio of the gems basically cornering steven about him not opening up to them. christ pearl even gets mad at him for his gem building a wall behind him, protecting him from them. it’s common knowledge, I hope, that steven’s gem reacts to his emotional state. pearl herself has said this;

“I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind.”

his gem building this wall? it felt like steven was being threatened by them. this scene now has awful connotations with it. because since we now know what the pink mode is doing to steven, how actually painful it is, think back to these;

yea. fuck the gems. I’ll let it slide if steven, greg or priyanka haven’t told them about what happened at the hospital. but if they do know, if they know how much it hurts steven being in his pink mode & still press into him about it I’ll see red. with steven’s trauma & now ptsd being cemented into the show I fucking hope garnet, amethyst & pearl get held accountable for what they put on him as a kid. that shit will not slide with me if they don’t. do not condone what the gems put him through. do not condone the gems for making steven feel like he had to be his mum for them. just… don’t. please.

[mimik-u]

Fragments III, 1-100

300 drabbles about Steven Universe/Future, 100 words each! These are the first 100 prompts and writer’s choices that have been fulfilled.

Asterisks are placed next to my personal favorites that I’ve written.

Baggage* — Steven meets his new therapist!

Eternity —How about a Bellow interaction you've always wanted to see in canon but didn't get to?

Foe —Jasper is simultaneously satisfied and yet left deeply empty inside by her self-isolation on Earth, and doesn't understand how to even begin to process this dichotomy. (So she doesn’t.)

Letter — Young Greg's POV when he wrote those letters to his parents Steven found on Mr. Universe episode.

Sword —Connie interacting with someone she doesn't usually talk to by herself (ex Jasper, Bismuth, Lapis, etc.).

Reconciliation — Idk about you but I wanna see more Mega Pearl. The others have not met Mega Pearl.

Marks —How about... Spinel, and the tiny, everyday baby steps towards healing?

Tangled — Peridot finds out/is told about PD/RQ? (And is confirmed in her guess that Pearl is fancy...?)

Challenge* — How is Steven’s TubeTube channel doing?

Bruises — Priyanka tends to Connie's wounds after training sessions with Pearl. [Writer’s Choice]

Rest* — Yellow Diamond gets to relax. (She's the one who most expresses regret and real understanding. Let her take a nap! She deserves it!)

Barbecue* — Post-movie, during cleanup, Steven and Lars talk and plan the BBQ we got a glimpse at during the final song.

Ghost — Yellowtail and Greg talk about fatherhood and how it can be ruined (mentioning Marty and Greg's father subtly).

UNO* — Date between Pearls (platonic or otherwise).

Height — The pebbles!!! They're so small???? Where are they? *Sobs, points at the Heaven and Earth Beetles.*

Embrace — Steven gets a well-deserved cuddle pile from family and friends.

Constructs — Bismuth and Peridot have a lot more in common than they think.

Horns — Amethyst makes an unexpected new friend at Little Homeschool. (Whichever other character you feel would fit best!)

Garden — Pre-show scene. While having a funny chat, Greg mentions something that reminds Rose about her abandoning Spinel, which makes her regret more of her choices.

Advice — Garnet can tell when Stevonnie has a lot on their mind. [Writer’s Choice.]

Hum — Yellow and her relationship with music.

Love* — Pearl considering her romantic feelings towards someone and thinking about how she's finally moving on from Rose. (Doesn't mean she'll ever forget her.)

Kid — A glimpse into “Sadie Killer.” Maybe when they played their first show, while Steven was still in the band. Celebrating afterward or a discussion on why Steven didn't stay IN the band?

Troubleshooting* — Integration of gem communication networks and Earth Internet and phone lines and the resulting inevitable disaster.

Fairytale — Connie gets a tour of Little Homeworld.

Hope — Jasper finally starting to let her guard down and realize her self worth.

Song* — As for prompts... Steg? Like, him in general, just being himself. It's a bummer we only got to see him in the movie.

Mistakes* — Steven talking to someone (not a therapist, just another character) about his trauma?

Forgiveness — The Topaz fusion reconnects with the Crystal Gems at Little Homeschool and apologizes for her role in the kidnapping all those years ago.

Visions — Sapphire and Ruby reflect on the events of "Together Forever." [Writer’s Choice]

Reunited — Maybe a scene where Yellow comes home from a long escapade and is reunited with a worried Spinel?

Beginnings — After CYM, Lapis and Peridot discuss where to live since the barn is destroyed.

Pet* — White Diamond happily announces one day that she has decided to take in a small creature (of your choosing) as a pet.

Together — What were Doc, Army, Navy, and Leggy doing during Future?

Desert — Steven meeting Lion from Lion's perspective. I dunno, I think it could be neat.

Freedom — For a post-CYM/SU:F prompt, what do you think about the exact moment it hit either Blue or Yellow Pearl that they were completely free to follow their whims?

Apologies — Greg apologizes to Steven due to the incident in “Mr. Universe” and both have the talk they should've had in that episode.

Change — Blue and Yellow Zircon's relationship has improved even if they are now rivals in the new democratic Homeworld. This last tiny bit is related to the “Homeworld Bound” episode.

Hug — Bellow cuddling. Yellow has no idea what to do, but Blue is loving it.

Valentine* — Steven gives Peridot a Valentine's Day gift. [Writer’s Choice]

Spite — Aquamarine and Eyeball are distraught at knowing they won't be rewarded for their actions because their worst enemy, Steven Universe, has been labeled a hero and royalty by the Diamonds.

Reevaluation — How about more Peedee and Steven friendship? Like, Peedee noticing Steven’s change in demeanor the farther along the show we get?

Camp — Connie kicking ass at space camp.

Family — The night after the events of the movie, Steven gets some quality family time.

Homestretch — Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth spend time together while preparing Little Homeworld.

Enough — We know what Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck are gonna do for their futures, but what's Kiki been up to? Is she gonna take over the pizzeria?

Spillage — Vidalia and Amethyst catch up after Steven's monster episode.

Reformation — White Diamond has learned how to be so extremely empathetic to the point that she literally becomes another person, but has she really begun to understand others?

Comment* — Sardonyx makes some Internet videos.

Unicorn — While traveling through California, Steven encounters two fishermen arguing about unicorns. [SU/GF crossover.] [Writer’s Choice]

Worry — Andy and Greg stay in touch.

Homerun* — I hopal for Opal—perhaps she will attempt some baseball.

Skydancer — Post-CYM, Pearl getting to “truly” take Steven out for a joy ride through the cosmos in a properly operational ship of her design.

Mercy* — The shattering-is-wrong discussion between Rose and Bismuth that led to Bis being bubbled.

Happy — Smoky Quartz hasn't made a self deprecating joke in a while—is it Steven's therapy?

Electric* — Yellow’s gloves—I feel like they’re covering something up, maybe.

Cake — Fusion Cuisine 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Belonging — The Rose Quartz sisters visit again.

Transcendence — Fluorite offers someone wise caterpillar grandma advice.

March — Connie and Steven reflect on changes in life after the pandemic. Not canon compliant. [Writer’s Choice.]

Understanding — Onion be doing Onion things.

Ocean* — Andy and Steven post-”I Am My Monster”? I love their relationship, lol.

Ignorance* — Does Lapis even realize Bismuth was probably the one who poofed her?

Reflection — Did I already say more Mega Pearl? ‘Cause there can never be enough Mega Pearl.

Possibility* — Yellow deciding she should try putting shattered gems back together. (She probably broke the most.)

Storyboard — Peridot’s budding career as a storyboarder.

Fall — Lapis and Steven talk about trauma and recovery. Pre-The Future.

Limbo — How the dismantled gempire has affected the lives of noble gems like Emerald, Holly Blue Agate, and others.

Now — Garnet reminds herself to live in the present.

Grief* — Alexandrite forms for the first time. [Writer’s Choice]

Inauguration — Wait, did Connie's parents ever meet Stevonnie?

Please — Did Kevin ever learn anything? Naaaaaah....unless...

Friend — General prompt? A sequel/prequel to this, please [White D’s panther].

Treatment — Greg starting to learn more about gem stuff to be more involved in Steven's life if something ugly happens.

Numbers — Pearl, please do something with all those phone numbers in your head.

Generations — Rose continues to discover the wonders of Earth, even after all this time. (No angst allowed in this one, just pure wonder.)

Survival — The Off-Colors used to have more members in the past.

Acting — How did Rainbow 2.0 even get invited to babysit Onion?

Kindness* — Former Mayor Dewey coming to terms with his new position in town.

Play — The Gems and Greg try to capture Steven's first moments on a bike. [Writer’s Choice]

Documentary — Ronaldo makes a real actually informative documentary about Little Homeworld.

Rain — Blue Diamond still cries sometimes.

Zoophobia — Also, I saw Z and my immediate thought was "Zoophobia.”

Echo* — Why does the tiny floating whale have Rose's voice before Steven ever heard it in the tape?

Sketch — Steven and Connie discover an anime character/mythological figure who bears an awfully similar resemblance to Obsidian.

Unironically — Why does Buck wanna be a doctor?

Club — How did Bismuth, Lapis, and Peri become such tight friends?

Nostalgia — Greg considers a comeback tour.

Pressure* — The creation of the Diamonds, maybe?

Coping — Amethyst and Pearl grapple with Rose's pregnancy. [Writer’s Choice]

Theatre — Sugilite, meet Rainbow 2.0.

Dadhood* — Whatever happened to Mrs. Fryman? IS there a Mrs. Fryman, or was it only a passing on-and-off thing that resulted in kids?

Lingering — Jasper finally lets Malachite go.

Human — Steven talks to his therapist about his mom, the feelings of before and the now. (It was left open-ended—his relationship with his mother.)

Words — Kofi is proud of his daughters.

Quest — [Letter prompt] Quest.

Picture — Sour Cream and Steven talking about absent parents and bad parenting. Post-The Future.

Bittersweet* — Shep finally gets to meet the notorious Lars.

Gemini — Spinel discovers memes and we're all doomed.

Weird — When he's younger, Steven doesn't quite know how to label the Gems.

[marvelandimagine]

Hi I was hoping to get you opinion on a certain topic because I liked the way you handled the Ayo and arm discourse and this is a different but similar subject. I hope you don’t mind? I just don’t know who else to send this to. I see a lot of people now complaining about all the “ableist” writing surrounding Bucky (Sam making jokes about his attitude, “freaky magoo”, Bucky calling himself crazy, rocket racoon’s “I’ll get that arm” etc). They say that’s offensive and doesn’t take trauma or mental illness seriously.

I’m honestly having trouble seeing the problem. What’s wrong with finding the humor in a dark situation? Isn’t it realistic for a group of friends/companions to not always take eachother and themselves so seriously? I think a lot of people outside woke tumblr and twitter would appreciate if people weren’t always walking on eggshells around them because of past trauma and treat them like a regular person, and even make fun of them the same way they would anyone else. And are we really gunna say Bucky can’t call himself crazy without having to be all sad about it and go into a ten minute monologue about his past (or Marvel can’t write that line)? It’s ok to not take yourself so seriously either and be able to make light of your past, I would argue even healthier for a lot of people. Why is it better for Bucky to be depressed about his mental state constantly until it is all “fixed”? I just don’t get it and Marvel’s writing seems more realistic and how real people with past trauma would want to be treated compared to what twitter and tumblr say. Real people don’t always get triggered at the slightest mention of their past trauma, mental state, or behavior. They are usually able to make light of it and would prefer those around them don’t take it so seriously either. (It’s not like anyone is saying “haha bucky! It’s so funny Hyrda tortured and enslaved you!” Worlds different than Sam poking fun at him about his current self)

Someone pointed out ALL marvel characters have some sort of trauma that shapes them, why is joking around Bucky after he’s freed from the brain washing so unique? (Ex: Tony was captured and had PTSD) All of them are friends and don’t let that stop them from poking fun at each other and their behaviors even if technically that behavior could be traced back to some past trauma. And I think they’re better off because of it. Technically you could trace back everything about to Tony to the death of his parents but I don’t think he would appreciate everyone looking at him with a sad face 24/7. Neither would Bucky. (I would HATE it) And the thing is all these characters are very capable of recognizing when there’s a serious moment happening for someone and not to make any jokes but be supportive instead. Like Rhodey helping Tony during his panic attack in the beginning of Ironman 3, the scene with Sam and Bucky in the backyard episode 5. I just don’t think tumblr and twitter are a good representation of how overall real life people with trauma feel. Real life there is a time and place to be serious and time when you don’t have to be regarding the exact same situation, tumblr doesn’t seem to get the concept of “read the room”. Idk, if people treated me the way tumblr says the people around Bucky should 24/7 it would actually make me miserable... but they have to constantly keep people as victims to fit their narratives.

Sorry for the delayed response, anon!! But I LOVE THIS.

I totally agree with you that this idea that everyone universally handles unique trauma the same way, usually in being extremely sensitive/always having some kind of apparent negative reaction, is just bonkers. I ground my thoughts on this largely in my experience with Alcoholics Anonymous — aka the largest dark comedy club of people laughing at their own shit I’ve ever had the pleasure to be part of. The other day I just said we needed to get a plaque that says “if you haven’t wanted to kill yourself, you might be in the wrong place,” and everyone cackled. Recovery memes, I swear to God, have helped me through low points because the humor and connection remind us that we aren’t alone and can, as you said, stop taking things so seriously all the time. That’s moving forward.

There are so many factors that go into how people handle trauma, and I wholly agree that this blanket woobyfying doesn’t account for the nuances of that experience. You also might feel fine one day and not fine the next! Life is in the grey, not the black and white.

Anywho you’re my hero and thanks for dropping by ❤️

[adaywithandrew]

genuinely i know from experience that it’s easier to get onto the next level of life or back with the present or whatever you want to call it——- if you are just bored and numbed out of past trauma so it’s like why not continue might as well fill up the story with something else. It’s very hard to move on or go and pursue some other story if your mind is still very caught up in the last story and is living in some kind of ghostly present. like those feelings are too powerful and real. but I also think that it’s a catch bc it’s good to have real feelings and not be numb. And the amount of times I have had to bury old fears or traumatic things to keep moving at this point :( like I don’t know what god was thinking to make me so sensitive to this world. Bc it’s been so hard to interact with the present or the future like even when I know as a person “I want to be vulnerable and have an open heart” it’s still incredibly hard to be present and do that. bc all of these subconscious defense mechanisms that just surface immediately bc the root of what I fear was just ignored in the last life challenge for survival instead of being squashed. Like I truly don’t have a basis of trust in my situation that I’m in (my situation meaning how I pursue all relationships in my life) bc everything can just fall apart :( so how am I supposed to be open. Like all the it’s better to have loved and lost wisdom never sat that right with me bc I think some of us are just slated to be melancholic- like sometimes I feel like I’m mourning my last life. I was a super depressed child and didn’t understand why bc i was like ??? Why am I even sad??? My life is ok!!! and if that was my beginning it was always going to be a lot to have a loss. Like the fragility from the beginning was insane... the recovery from the losses hasn’t really gotten to a place where I am like :) wow so happy that happened so I could grow. Like to this day I think that falling in love at 17 was way too much and gave me a trauma brain to deal with. Like some people have to experience war or death or something at that age and that’s truly out of your hands and devastating!!! But with love it’s like I wish I had more self preservation at the time to have protected myself and turned away in time before the brain damage from the sadness hit that has effected me for yearssss. Like why was and is my self preservation so low especially if I knew how low I could feel and sad I could get. Like idk if I thought it was my destiny to lean into it but a. Lot of it was so unnecessary. And something else!!! You know how therapists and books and w/e are like when you get angry or sad don’t explode over everything...literally when I’m sad it’s like a mountain of sadness and it feels like I’m mourning all the times I was forgotten and hurt or mishandled. And also this deep nameless sadness that I don’t think is even mine :( but it’s like closing my throat up and forcing me to experience it. I also think I have a major life pattern of pursuing situations that are bound to fail (like that person has given me plenty of signals that they won’t be able to meet me or hold me through xyz but still I hope) bc I’m convinced I can open them up but really it’s like...why am I doing that. Then it fails and I feel so alone and abandoned and the cycle starts again. Like if I went out and found more people who are on this 👁 I’m awake with you I’m as sensitive as you level would this still be happening!? Or would I STILL be too scared to be witnessed by them somehow. Or what if it happens and we would just fall endlessly together in how sad it is like a train wreck because I’m not actually awake I’m just indulgent. Like sometimes I think I have this sick programming where I believe that the people that have denied me (the safe space to be vulnerable without judgement) are better and stronger than the potential people out there that could open the space. like they are just mentally tougher and an aspiration for me. I can’t honestly tell if that’s bad or that’s what makes the world keep moving into action. :(

Something else I have been thinking about is how that psychic told my mom that she was a new soul and had never been here before. And I think it’s incredibly true bc I have always felt that way with her...but it’s like as a child of a new soul does that mean I’m slated to be lonely for this entire life? I feel like I have such a weird relationship with adults of all kinds. If one that I respect tries to connect with me I actually have to get out of the room bc I just start crying from how vulnerable it feels to be speaking with someone who is actually actually older than me or “with me”. that’s something that haunts me from my gender studies major bc the profs were always like please remember I am not a therapist bc people misused them a lot..and I never wanted to do that so I just avoided them. The one time I thought wow I’m so far from crying why not talk to * in office hours? I had to pretend I had a meeting so I could leave when I felt the tears. Like 💀 I wish less of my life narrative had to be centered around this endless struggle to get more comfortable with true vulnerability. I think I’ve fooled myself into thinking I grew the thicker skin I was always told to grow but I don’t know if that’s true. I still feel so much of it and I just suppress and ignore that I feel it :(

[justrednow]

American Idiot (movie)

LaNow I love the musical and I love both albums featured. I’m hoping that’s the plot of the movie that I believe is being produced. But also like, I’d be down for some bat shit crazy stuff a la Pink Floyd: The Wall. But you know what’d I’d be really down for. 

No one asked for this. I’m aware.

American Idiot: So, we open on good ol’ perfect Jingletown and meet the perfect town and all its hidden horror. We get to see a good amount of repetitive time pass. Seeing the struggles of the working class of America. Theres a focus on the younger generation being strung along in their parents problems. 

As the song comes ot an end, or vamps under Idk, we meet our boy Johnny. Who in my opinion should be far more like the average vague age youth. He doesn’t know who he is and we meet his ex-underground rock band dad who is kinda an asshole. but he loves his wife, and probably loves his sons. We also meet Johnny’s brother who is just back from rehab. The pair make up everything Johnny doesn’t want to be.  

Jesus of Suburbia I-III: Johnny meets up with his friends at the 7/11 and lament about life while drinking stolen beer. Johnny talks about how much he wants to run away and find his true origins in the nitty gritty of a big city and wants to know true pain. Will complains about being a part of a military family and his parents divorice, and how none of them will ever fight for their country. Tunny reveals that he brought his family bible to burn, but is reluctant to do so. He too is struggling to know who he is, but says nothing. The group is chased out of the back lot by the manager of the 7/11. 

Jesus of Suburbia IV-V: Back in Will’s empty house Heather is waiting, revealing how she’s been trying to get Will’s attention. She is once again ignored when Johnny tells the group how he scored tickets to a concert in the “big city”. This is his plan to run away and never look back, he encourages the others to come with him. Heather gives Will a positive pregnancy test, in an attempt to break up with him. instead he elects to stay home, in protest of his own broken home. 

Tunny and Johnny refuse to change their plan, unable to understand how Will can have a light at the end of the tunnel. They argue as the two get on the bus to leave. Johnny tells Tunny he forgot to tell his mom that he was leaving. 

Holiday: In the big city the pair burst into their new life. They come alive at the concert and bond with a group of anti-war protesters. Whatsername catches the eye of Johnny, but he chickens out of talking with her. They join the protesters march on a government building after the concert, watching as one of the protesters leads with a speech on the steps. He is everything Johnny wants to be. After the police arrive and the peaceful protest is broken up the pair are invited back to the home, an abandon building, of a group of protesters.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams: Johnny tells the group his and Tunny’s story, capturing the attention of Whatsername who appears to have a similar story. Johnny gains confidence as he finds that these are his people. The Big City is somehow everything Johnny thought it would be, dark and gritty. Whatsername introduces herself to Johnny but he misses her name. Sparks are flying folks. 

Tunny begins to feel left out of the party, realizing this is not what he wanted.  

Favorite Son: Tunny turns on the old TV in the place. He finds an old VHS playing of an 80s propaganda cartoon. He falls victim to the glamorous lifestyle of Favorite Son. He is drawn to the effortless power in the military life style, loving the danger and reward. He falls in love with the idea of being a hero for his people. Johnny joins him when everyone else has gone away.

Are We The Waiting: Tunny explains to Johnny his dreams of a better world. He thinks about Will, who is still at home trying to enjoy his future fatherhood. Heather, who is still trying to gather the courage to leave Will as she wants what’s best for her child but isn’t in love with him. Johnny, who is stuck in his new dream. 

Tunny, the next morning, enlists in the Army and finds that he will be shipped out within the week.

St. Jimmy: Johnny, angry at Tunny, meets a new best friend who has come to visit the squatter city.  St. Jimmy is the hard core punk god Johnny has been waiting for. He is a drug dealer with everything. Johnny shoots up for the first time with another group. St. jimmy openly welcomes him to his new lifestyle of getting everything you want. Almost everyone loves him, they worship him.

Little Girl: St. Jimmy tries to target Whatsername, as she tries to convice Johnny not to fall into the hands of drugs. 

Give Me Novacaine: Back in Jingletown Will tries to cope with Heathers decision to leave him and to keep their soon to be born child. In Johnny’s home his mother cries as she learns that he has run away. His father seems to be happy about it and tries to convince her it was just his time to fly the coop. Seeing this isn’t helping, he vows to find their son. 

Tunny is finally getting a piece of the action, he gets a huge piece in his thigh and is carried off of the field. 

Johnny has been recieving letters from his friends and burns them, quickly stopped by Whatsername who shows him another way of life. 

She’s a Rebel/ Last of The American Girls: Whatsername tells Johnny her true story and how she plots to lead a riot against discrimination against the poor. She brings him to homeless shelters where she volunteers and to protest concerts. Johnny eagerly writes to his friends about his new love. Will gets a good laugh over it. St. Jimmy, who is more or less real, has begun to feel ignored and starts spilling lies about Whatsername that Johnny dismisses.

Last Night On Earth: Johnny has never been in love until now. His father finds the ticket packages and gets on the next bus. Whatsername promises Johnny their relationship is more than just lust. Heather has her baby and Will chases her down to the hospital, begging to be allowed to see her. Heather reveals that she broke up with him because of his unhealthy habits to her nurse, Johnny’s mother. Heather promises she will never let anyone hurt her child and from outside the door Will promises the same. 

Johnny writes his first letter back home.

To Much To Soon: Finally back home, Will finally confronts Heather on her judgment of the past he left behind for her. Heather challenges how Will copes with stress and how it will effect their child's life. Heather decides if he is going to keep chasing her, she’s running away for good. She takes the baby with her. 

Before Lobotomy I/ Extrodinary Girl: Tunny is left alone during his recovery, finally receiving the letters his friends have sent him. The other injured soldiers in infirmary cry for their families left behind and why they join the fight to begin with. Tunny gets a new perspective on the war. He meets his nurse, the first person to provide him any comfort during this time and tends to his wounds. He quickly falls in love with her and has dreams about being Favorite Son saving the distressed princess from the evil bad guys. She tries to pull him out of the fantasy as it becomes more dangerous and the two bond over war trauma. They share a heat of the moment kiss

Before Lobotomy II: Tunny is sent home due to having his leg amputated. He takes his nurse with him, as they have fallen in love. He wishes his war buddies luck, and says farewell to the ones dying. 

When It’s Time:  Johnny writes a letter to Whatsername about his feelings for her and how he doesn’t know what he’d do without her. She showed him what pain can look like. For once he isn’t lost. 

St. Jimmy rips up the letter and burns it when Johnny’s back is turned.

Know Your Enemy: St. Jimmy tries to coax Johnny into doing harsher drugs, the only thing stopping Johnny from following him is Whatsername. So Jimmy convinces Johnny that she’s been manipulating him into believeing her stories and that he needs the drugs to cope with his own pain. Whatsername tries to get Johnny’s attention and is confronted with Johnny minimizing her pain in exchange for his own.

21 Guns: Whatsername finally takes the needles and pills from Johnny and shares her full story of being abused and being a victim of the streets. She begs him to listen to her and know that he doesn’t have to keep fighting. Johnny tries to listen to her but St. Jimmy lingers. 

Will finally gives into Heathers wishes and steals beer from a store. While drinking he realizes this is what she was talking about. He pours it all out. He finds out Tunny is home and commits to helping him.

Johnny’s father searches the city, he can’t stop thinking how pointless this is.

Johnny tries too convince Whatsername he feels her pain, which is why he needs St. Jimmy. Frustrated she shows him how ridiculous he is, he left a caring family and friend behind to seek out pain. 

Letterbomb: Finally done with Johnny’s shit, though she might still love him, Whatsername shows Johnny what fire looks like. She cries for the real heroes that fought for real change, not try hards just looking for a new outlet of self pity. She reveals that St. Jimmy was never real. She lets Johnny know that he isn’t the Jesus of Suburbia. If it isn’t obvious, Whatsername is the jesus of suburbia. Johnny helplessly watches as the love of his life leaves. Whatsername destroys all the pills before hopping the next bus out of the city.

When September Ends: Johnny’s father finds Johnny crying on the steps of a church. Father reveals how proud of Johnny he is. He tells Johnny about how angry he was when he was and how he just needed to find himself, which is what he assumes Johnny is doing. 

Tunny finds out many of his war buddies haven’t made it back home and never will. He cries to his nurse who promises nothing bad will happen to them.

Will thinks over how he let everyone he had slip away from him.

Johnnys mother calls her husband only to find out that Johnny will not be coming home just yet. Father heads back to Jingletown. 

Johnny thinks over how much he hated being anything like his father and now realizes that is truly who he wanted to be. he is shocked to think that his father ever loved him and wishes he would have shown it better. 

Homecoming I: Johnny packs his bag and prepares to go back home as he is the only one left. Its been a while since he and his fathers talk. He is unsure of where to go next. St. Jimmy has been in and out of his life anytime he thinks about everything that he’s learned. St. Jimmy tries one final time to convince Johnny to stay in the city. There is nothing in Jingle Town for him. Johnny appears to try and commit suicide but instead the bullet kills St. Jimmy in a rather comic way. Johnny truly has nothing left now. 

Homecoming II: Johnny reveals what the world could have for him, working a desk job with a boring wife. He hates what he sees and tries to convince himself that there is more to life than this image. 

Homecoming III: Tunny is living a dull life at home, trying to get a job but struggling due to his amputation. He wishes to be released as the nurse has got a new job and works to support them. 

Will is still crying to himself and finally decides he’s had enough

Homecoming IV: Heather is back in town to visit her parents with her new fiance and the baby. She meets up with Will, flaunting how rad her new man is. Will fails to see how he failed in comparison. Heather gives the baby to Will, loving her new life more. She wanted what was best for her baby and she could never provide that.

Homecoming V: At the 7/11 Johnny hops off the bus and finds that his friends are waiting for him. He drops his bags and runs into their arms. They share the stories of their adventures and how they never realized what they had here in Jingletown was what the needed, real cliche. Johnny reunites with his family and forgives his father. Tunny gets a job with his girlfriend in the hospital as a receptionist and a speaker. He has found his purpose. Johnny helps Will set up his house for the baby, admitting that he misses the people in the city.

Whatsername:  Johnny works as a music teacher in the school fifteen years down the line. While in a school recital he thinks he sees Whatsername in the crowd, but it’s someone else. When he gets back to his new house he pulls out his old guitar case and looks through all the memorabilia of his big adventure all those years ago. The thing he misses the most is Whatsername, the girl who he couldn’t even remember her name. 

anyways no one asked for that and I’m sorry but that was fun and I will probably do it again with a musical few people like. 

[divinityslain]

hey   there   demons   !   tis   i   ,   local   lorekeeper   &   part   -   time   trash   pile   ,   coming   at   ya   to   give   miss   wilhelmina   no   fucken   rights   !   isn’t   that   exciting   ?   click   HERE   for   ur   girl’s   ~   new   ~   pinterest   .   also   this   is   long   .

*   RELIGION   &   TWSITD   &   FOOD   MENT   .

full   name   .

wilhelmina   von   hevring

nicknames   .

mina minnie

birthday   .

october   4

fódlan   birthday   .

4th   of   the   wyvern   moon

age   .

twenty   -   three

height   .

172.72cm   /   5′8″

nationality   .

adrestian

hometown   .

county   of   hevring

residence   .

garreg   mach   monastery

house   .

black   eagles

occupation   .

student   at   the   officers   academy

crests   .

minor   crest   of   cethleann   /   sometimes   raises   mt   when   using   recovery   magic major   crest   of   lamine   /   occasionally   conserves   uses   of   recovery   magic

strengths   .

faith riding lance

weaknesses   .

flying axe brawling

budding   talent   .

reason

classes   .

noble   →   monk   →   priest   →   bishop   →   holy   knight

likes   .

horses tea reading making   people   proud   of   her exploring shopping

dislikes   .

mindless   gossip henrik isolation the   dark heights injustice

interests   .

practicing   magic chatting praying helping   to   restore   the   saint   statues

favorite   meals   .

saghert   and   cream peach   sorbet gronder   meat   skewers vegetable   stir   -   fry

favorite   teas   .

mint   tea angelica   tea

favorite   gifts   .

riding   boots tea   leaves stylish   hair   clip goddess   statuette owl   feather   *   universal   gift

least �� favorite   gifts   .

hunting   dagger blue   cheese arithmetic   textbook

favorite   flowers   .

roses forget   -   me   -   nots

lost   items   .

gold   hair   bow heart   -   shaped   locket storybook   about   the   four   saints

relatives   .

lorelei   von   beaumont   (   née   hevring   )   ,   mother unnamed   noble   ,   step   -   father theodore   &   sebastian   von   beaumont   ,   maternal   half   -   brothers jasper   ,   anabel   &   elias   von   beaumont   ,   step   -   cousins

count   hevring   ,   maternal   uncle   &   legal   guardian unnamed   noble   ,   maternal   aunt   &   legal   guardian linhardt   von   hevring   ,   maternal   cousin

count   rowe   ,   father   /   illegitimate   child   of unnamed   noble   ,   step   -   mother viktor   gwendal   rowe   ,   paternal   half   -   brother  johanna   sigrid   gaspard   (   née   rowe   )   ,   paternal   half   -   sister henrik   alphonse   rowe   ,   paternal   half   -   brother astrid   faryse   rowe   ,   paternal   half   -   sister adiel   gwydion   rowe   ,   paternal   half   -   brother nikolai   christophe   blaiddyd   ,   paternal   nephew   /   johanna’s   son

the   product   of   an   affair   between   lorelei   von   hevring   ,   a   noble   from   adrestia   ,   &   the   head   of   house   rowe   in   faerghus   .   obviously   ,   count   rowe   is   already   long   married   with   three   kids   by   the   time   mina   is   conceived   ,   &   lorelei   is   …   in   the   process   of   finding   a   suitable   match   ,   courtesy   of   her   older   brother   &   head   of   house   hevring   ,   so   the   newborn   wasn’t   exactly   welcomed   warmly   .

(   although   ,   not   anything   new   as   nobles   have   been   producing   out   -   of   -   wedlock   children   since   as   long   as   anyone   can   remember   .   )

however   …   the   thing   is   ,   this   whole   ordeal   was   count   rowe’s   plan   all   along   ?   like   ,   none   of   his   current   children   are   crest   -   bearers   .   lorelei   comes   from   a   respected   family   ,   one   that   notably   has   a   strong   bloodline   to   keep   crests   alive   .   put   two   &   two   together   ,   makes   sense   ,   right   ?   once   the   child   shows   signs   of   possessing   a   crest   ,   he   would   take   them   off   her   hands   …   you   know   ,   since   having   a   child   in   such   a   way   would   arguably   look   worse   for   her   than   for   him   !   &   said   child   was   supposed   to   become   his   true   heir   to   the   rowe   territory   . 

WELL   !   too   bad   for   him   ,   lorelei   cut   ties   .   a   new   husband   ,   she   said   in   letters   that   are   now   burned   &   forgotten   .   little   did   he   know   ,   it   was   because   she   was   expecting   &   didn’t   want   him   to   know   .   fearful   for   what   may   happen   ,   unaware   of   his   true   intent   .

4th   of   the   wyvern   moon   ;   the   day   wilhelmina   von   hevring   came   into   the   very   world   that   will   become   so   cruel   .   a   premeditated   accident   ,   that’s   what   she   was   .   although   her   uncle   had   plans   .   people   who   would   take   away   the   burden   he   promised   to   keep   a   secret   ,   until   it   suited   him   .   alas   ,   lorelei   wouldn’t   part   from   her   daughter   so   quickly   .   it   would   take   about   four   years   of   mina   living   in   the   hevring   estate   for   lorelei   to   grow   distant   ,   more   focused   on   her   new   children   with   her   new   husband   in   a   completely   different   territory   in   adrestia   .   it   was   then   she   would   be   discreetly   removed   from   the   household   ,   much   to   her   confusion   as   she   would   grip   onto   her   uncle’s   hand   .

those   who   slither   in   the   dark   .   vile   ,   uncaring   ,   harshness   ;   result   orientated   .   mages   would   spend   two   years   testing   &   experimenting   on   mina   —   crestology   ,   implanting   a   crest   stone   into   a   body   seeing   if   it’s   compatible   .   a   lot   of   their   prior   experiments   failed   ,   but   a   strong   select   few   survived   for   awhile   .

 just   shy   of   over   the   two   years   ,   the   mages   of   those   who   slither   noted   many   different   stages   of   progress   .   initially   unaware   wilhelmina   already   bore   a   crest   ,   a   minor   of   cethleann   –   they   saw   as   she   activated   it   for   the   first   time   during   a   trial   .   a   welcomed   addition   to   their   studies   !   but   of   course   she   was   miserable   &   terrified   .   yet   even   so   ,   she   remained   hopeful   .   hopeful   that   this   would   be   over   soon   —   silent   prayers   to   the   goddess   fell   from   her   trembling   ,   cracked   lips   ,   over   &   over   .   a   little   after   she   turned   six   ,   her   desperate   prayers   were   answered   .   the   mages   successfully   in   giving   her   a   new   crest   :   a   major   crest   of   lamine   .   although   as   they   have   seen   in   the   past   ,   the   stress   of   twin   crests   caused   strain   on   her   small   body   ,   causing   her   hair   to   turn   white   (   although   ,   leaving   a   vaguely   blonde   undertone   –   perhaps   homage   to   lamine   herself   )   &   shortened   lifespan   .   that   …   left   them   bored   &   itching   to   move   on   to   the   next   ,   as   the   cycle   repeated   .

after   dropping   a   slumbering   ,   dirty   &   worn   -   out   mina   back   to   the   county   of   hevring   ,   &   a   brief   meeting   with   her   uncle   explaining   the   results   of   the   experimentation   ,   they   departed   within   the   shadows   once   more   .   so   idk   fast   forward   a   few   months   ,   she’s   still   six   &   still   clinging   to   the   teachings   of   seiros   &   the   four   saints   .   she   even   saved   up   enough   money   for   a   storybook   .   her   uncle   trained   her   in   secret   ,   unwilling   to   yet   show   her   twin   crests   to   the   rest   of   the   empire   ,   &   mina   did   her   goddamn   best   to   make   him   proud   !!   like   little   baby   ..   really   ..   was   embodiment   of   pleading   emoji   .   &   alright   count   hevring   was   using   her   from   day   1   but   …..   would   be   lying   if   he   didn’t   get   even   slightly   attached   after   all   the   time   he   inevitably   spent   with   her   lmao   .

once   she   gained   an   understanding   of   how   to   not   randomly   activate   her   crests   ,   her   uncle   took   her   to   enbarr   to   introduce   to   the   imperial   family   .   at   almost   seven   ,   she   didn’t   understand   the   weight   of   the   situation   .   there   he   showed   her   off   to   the   emperor   &   subsequently   ,   his   sons   .   a   choice   between   eric   &   wilhelm   ,   &   the   latter   was   chosen   .   wilhelm   &   wilhelmina   were   engaged   ,   all   because   count   hevring   pulled   the   ‘   my   niece   has   two   crests   &   your   son   has   none   ’   card   ..   huh   ..   that   really   was   the   selling   point   .   (   of   course   it   was   still   kept   hush   ,   those   who   slither   in   the   dark   didn’t   want   to   be   discovered   so   quickly   .   the   emperor   ,   despite   finding   it   a   strange   occurrence   ,   didn’t   question   it   …   lmao   little   did   he   fucken   know   !!   )

during   her   time   in   enbarr   ,   mina   stumbled   across   …   a   certain   boy   ,   unbeknownst   to   her   at   the   time   ,   her   step   -   cousin   jasper   .   now   his   father   ,   being   able   to   make   the   connection   once   he   hears   her   name   being   called   by   hevring   ,   went   to   lorelei   afterwards   &   was   like   ,   hey   so   go   back   to   your   daughter   ,   she’s   betrothed   to   one   of   the   imperial   princes   ,   that   could   be   of   use   to   us   ,   etc   .   etc   .   &   like   ,   well   ,   she   did   .   mina   ,   after   years   of   being   estranged   from   her   mother   ,   was   swaddled   up   quickly   in   an   embrace   under   a   false   guise   of   genuine   wish   to   reconnect   .   she   felt   odd   seeing   her   daughter   with   a   hair   color   so   foreign   ,   but   as   the   shitty   adults   do   ,   she   doesn’t   make   a   note   of   it   .   mina   was   introduced   officially   to   all   of   her   step   -   cousins   ,   as   well   as   her   own   half   -   brothers   .   truthfully   she   tried   her   best   to   connect   with   them   all   ,   but   the   only   one   who   stuck   was   jasper   .   not   that   she   minded   —   despite   all   the   negativity   surrounding   him   ,   she   still   saw   the   good   .   she   always   did   . 

years   later   &   more   tragedy   struck   the   empire   .   the   insurrection   of   the   seven   ,   a   soft   coup   ;   her   uncle   participated   in   stealing   power   from   the   emperor   –   the   individual   she   came   to   know   more   personally   as   her   future   father   -   in   -   law   .   &   then   ……..   it   happened   .   three   years   after   the   insurrection   ,   wilhelm   (   +   the   other   imperial   children   )   were   just   .   gone   ?   no   one   spoke   about   them   ,   &   she   would   be   scolded   each   time   she   brought   it   up   .   her   uncle   was   tense   ,   perhaps   due   to   the   arrangement   that   the   emperor   literally   was   unable   to   break   ,   but   mina   once   more   turned   back   to   the   church   for   solace   .   edelgard   came   back   eventually   ,   white   hair   similar   to   her   own   ,   but   none   of   her   siblings   followed   ,   so   mina   mourned   for   them   in   silence   .

years   &   years   past   &   her   uncle   started   up   a   search   for   a   new   husband   ;   while   she   moved   on   from   wilhelm   ,   he’ll   still   be   in   her   memory   &   heart   .   even   when   her   heart   attached   itself   to   randolph   ,   &   they   slowly   started   courting   ,   despite   her   uncle   strongly   advising   her   against   it   .......   idk   they   been   together   for   awhile   now   technically   ?

ok   so   personality   basically   ,   she   is   beagles   mom   !   very   …   i   would   say   naive   ,   because   how   she   doesn’t   realize   98%   of   her   family   is   using   her   ,   but   ..   but   like   .   she’s   !!!   embodiment   of   honey   &   wildfire   are   both   golden   ,   softness   is   not   weakness   .   she   is   also   a   horse   girl   so   jot   that   down   ,   you   know   ?   find   her   in   the   stables   pretty   often   .   mina’s   uno   reverse   edelgard   in   the   sense   that   while   edelgard   is   angry   at   the   society   they   live   in   /   the   church   +   goddess   +   crest   systems   ,   etc   .   mina   ??   doesn’t   hold   any   hatred   for   what   happened   to   her   .   it’s   more   like   ,   she’s   going   to   take   her   trauma   &   do   the   absolutely   best   she   can   because   if   she   lets   it   go   to   waste   then   all   of   what   she   went   through   would’ve   been   for   nothing   &   she   can’t   let   that   happen   .

she   agrees   with   edelgard’s   position   of   how   crests   shouldn’t   dictate   the   way   people   live   ,   but   also   she   still   has   her   faith   ??   like   ..   *   channels   all   the   cf   endings   that   have   the   church   being   rebuilt   despite   under   supervision   ..   bc   she   wld   have   helped   *

uh   idk   if   any   of   this   intro   makes   sense   but   like   here   we   are   babies   !!   i   am   tired   &   have   three   more   to   write   so   i   am   ….   TIRED   .

[setaripendragon]

The Light of a Pole Star - Part 1

This idea just sort of possessed me after that Royed Soulmates fic I wrote. Because there was one version of soulmates that wasn’t on the prompt list that I really, really love; Reincarnation. And then I thought of how amazing that would be in FMA in general, and then this happened. Idk how many parts there’ll be (four? five?) but I’ve got the whole thing pretty much finished, I just gotta fix a few scenes and figure out how to split this monster up XD Disclaimer: I watched FMA and FMA:B a long time ago, and I never actually finished either of them anyway, so although this is meant to be sort of canon-divergent, I probably messed up somewhere. (There are also some little nods to some of my favourite fanfics out there, including Son of the Desert, because it’s amazing.)

Ed shouldn’t remember. Oh, there’s all the stuff the Gate shoved into his head that he remembers and Al doesn’t, and he probably shouldn’t remember that either, but that’s not- That is so far removed from him, such impersonal knowledge. It’s the same – he figures, anyway – for anyone who passes through the Gate. Just knowledge drilled into them soul-deep and agonising. It’s fine.

It’s the memories that bother Ed the most.

Because he shouldn’t remember. He shouldn’t remember what Aerugonian wine tastes like, and he shouldn’t remember the customs of the Imperial Xingese Court, and he shouldn’t remember the exact combination of old parchment, dusty leather, and warm sand smells that permeated the Great Library of Xerxes. He’s never even left Risembool. He shouldn’t remember how to navigate Aquroya’s canals, or the back streets of Central City’s slums. He’s Edward Elric, and yet he also remembers being Natan bin Mordechai, and Yi Feng, and Leon Blackburn, and Lucia Guardia, and Proteus of Atossa.

It’s too much for his eleven year old mind to hold. Centuries of memories, so many different versions of eleven. Eleven in Xerxes had been less than half way to adulthood, but eleven in Drachma had been old enough to start work as an apprentice. Sometimes he loses his childhood in Risembool in amongst climbing through Xingese orchards and scampering across the flat roofs of Ishval.

It isn’t until someone grabs him by the front of his shirt, hauls him up and shakes him, and he looks up into coal black eyes that he comes back to himself. Because he knows those eyes. In different shapes and colours across the centuries, they’ve been there. They’d met in a library, in a sickroom, in a workshop, in an alley, in a bar, in the market, in a temple. So many differences, so many variables, but Ed – his name is Edward Elric – latches onto the soul underneath, which has always remained constant.

It’s the anchor he needed. Even after Mustang’s left, it’s just easier to put the pieces into the right places inside his mind. He drags himself out of the mire of centuries, and demands automail from Granny. He can do this. He doesn’t know how, because he wasn’t always an alchemist – how could he not always have been an alchemist?! – but he’s going to get Al’s body back. And Roy Mustang is going to help him.

He’s pretty sure everyone can tell something’s different, but Al puts it down to failing to bring Mum back, and Winry puts it down to the trauma of his injury, and Ed’s not entirely sure they’re wrong. It’s all of that, and maybe that’s why it’s so much harder to push the memories away. It’s easier remembering a life that isn’t really – is – his, than dwelling on what he’s done in this life.

“Okay, pipsqueak, spill it.” Granny commands, a couple of weeks into his recovery, when he’s sitting on the back porch, looking out over the fields and comparing them to the rice fields in Xing. Looking at his automail and comparing it to automobile engines.

“Who’re you calling pipsqueak, tiny old hag?!” Ed snaps, turning to glower at Granny.

Granny glowers right back. “What’s wrong?”

“What do you think?” Ed retorts bitterly.

“If I knew that, I wouldn’t be asking.” Granny fires back without missing a beat. Then she sighs out a large cloud of smoke and puffs rapidly on her pipe for a moment. “You’ve got a lot to be upset about, I’ll grant, but I know you, Ed, and this isn’t what you’re like when you’re wallowing. This is what you’re like when you’re lost inside that big brain of yours.”

Ed snorts before he can help himself, because, okay, that’s accurate. And maybe… he can’t tell Al or Winry, he can’t burden them with this, but Granny… She’s lived through two of Ed’s lifetimes, more or less. “When were you born, Granny?” He asks.

“1839.” Granny replies, slow and confused. “Why?”

“Did you ever see much of the war with Aerugo?” Ed continues without answering.

After a beat of suspicious silence, Granny nods. “I saw a lot of soldiers come through while I was studying in Rush Valley. And I worked with the medics near the front for a few years when it got bad. That’s where I met my husband, as it happens.”

Ed smiles a little wistfully. “There’s this little town, not that far south from South City. Walston. You know it?” He begins, and Granny is outright frowning now, but she nods again. “It used to be over the border, but the military used their brand new horseless carriages to out-manoeuvre the Aerugonian troops and take it in 1874. It was pretty close to a river, which made it an ideal new base to operate from, so all the support people, the medics, the cooks, and of course their new engineers got carted in and dumped among the locals for the next however long it took to conquer the next town. Which was a recipe for trouble even ignoring the fact that the only place worth visiting in the evening was Valentino’s Bar.”

“I remember.” Granny murmured. “Ed, how the-”

“Oh, you were actually there?” Ed asks in surprise, blinking at Granny and trying to find a fiery automail mechanic in his memories. “Huh. Maybe we met.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Edward?!” Granny snaps, losing her patience.

“You didn’t happen to meet an engineer by the name of Lexi Spitfire, did you?” Ed asks.

Granny stops, mouth open in preparation to demand more answers, and gives Ed a deeply unnerved look. “Short, curly brown hair, freckles, always bickering with the barkeep?” She asks.

“I was not short!” Ed grouses. “I was perfectly normal sized, thank you very much! Just because Aerugonians tend towards unreasonably tall does not mean-” Granny makes a worrisome noise, kind of like a ‘glrhk’, and sits down heavily on the porch steps, staring up at Ed like she’s seen a ghost. “Granny?” Ed asks, maybe frets, a bit, because while he’d sort of hoped his knowledge of things he couldn’t possibly have been there to see would convince her he was telling the truth, he didn’t want to give her a heart attack.

“That was- Fucking hell…” Granny breathes, and then she shakes herself and goes right back to staring at Ed in shock. “I remember walking into that bar and hearing that exact rant. Spitfire was trying to haul the barkeep over the bar-”

“And Val was being a smug bastard. ‘Oh, sorry, is it too far for you to reach? Should I lean down a little to make it easier?’” Ed quotes with a snarl. “Wasn’t so smug with a bruise the size of my fist around his pretty little eye, was he?”

“What the hell happened, Ed?” Granny demands. “If you’re even still Edward-!”

“I am!” Ed interrupts quickly. “Jeez, Granny, I think you’d have noticed if I wasn’t me by now.”

“I thought so, too, but then you started talking like someone else!” Granny yelps.

Ed sighs, and looks back out over the fields of Risembool. “Not really. I mean, different name, different face, different life… same soul.” He pauses and shrugs. “I think. I didn’t exactly get an explanation. It was just suddenly all there, in my head.”

Granny draws in a sharp breath, but she doesn’t yell. She doesn’t say anything for the longest time, and Ed lets it settle, lets her have the time to absorb everything he’s said. He thinks he remembers her, now,  thinks he remembers toasting with her to the notion that machines are just better than men. Thinks he remembers drunken conversations about how automail works, how engines work, how many people they’d seen die already because their machines weren’t quite good enough. He thinks Val had cut them off at that point. He thinks he remembers Val carrying him – her – to bed and tucking her in like the fucking stupid sap he was under all that bullshit. “So… Spitfire’s dead, then? I had wondered.” Granny says finally.

“Yeah. 1889. Car crash.” Ed tells her.

Granny snorts. “Ironic.”

“Tell me about it.”

Central City is both familiar and not, and it takes Ed a day just to get his bearings. He goes for a walk, past the university, which is bigger than it used to be, and through the wealthy districts that are basically unchanged from two hundred years ago, and into the slums, which go from painfully familiar to completely wrong and back again every few alleys. He finds a brothel where he remembers a dilapidated ruin he’d slept in for several months as a child a long, long time ago, and pauses, staring at it and trying to get a grip on the sheer irony.

“Brother…” Al says, audibly judging him.

“What?!” Ed huffs. “I was looking at the architecture, Al!”

“The architecture?” Someone drawls in a husky smoker’s rasp, and Ed turns to see an older woman leaning in the doorway, a cigarette between two perfectly manicured fingers. “Well, that’s a new one.”

“Could do with a few more gargoyles, if you ask me.” Ed informed her with a sharp grin. Given her age and her perfectly ostentatious make-up, he figures she’s the proprietress of the brothel. “You’d be the eponymous Madame Christmas, I guess?”

“That’s me.” She confirms. “And you’re way too young to be a customer, kid.”

Ed snorts, because that’s funny. If he adds up everything he remembers, he’s more than five hundred years old. “Not looking for work, either.” He points out dryly.

“Good.” Madame Christmas says, with a whole weight of emphasis behind her words. “The hell are you doing in this part of town, then, kid?” She demands. Doesn’t mince words, this one. Ed decides he kinda likes her.

“Just looking around. Getting a feel for the city.” Ed answers.

“You should go home.” Madame Christmas instructs, in a tone that very much expects to be obeyed. Ed’s never really responded to that sort of tone. Not in this life, not in any other.

“Eh.” He shrugs. “Don’t feel like it.” That earns him a glower, and replies with another knife-sharp grin, just daring the woman to push the issue. She blows out a tight stream of smoke, rolls her eyes, and capitulates with a long drag of her cigarette. “Besides, the guy we’re staying with is a fucking creep, so I’ll take any excuse to get out of there for a while.”

“Oh?” Madame Christmas prompts, one eyebrow arching slowly.

“Brother, Mr Tucker isn’t that bad.” Al protests, but it’s weak and they both know it.

Madame Christmas’s other eyebrow rises to join the first. “What’s he done?”

“Nothing.” Ed waves a vague hand in the air. “It’s not… He’s fucking shifty. He won’t look at me head-on, he’s nervous all the damn time, except when he thinks no one’s looking at him, and then he gets this- this sharp look, like there’s broken glass behind his eyes. You know what I mean?”

“Oh, yeah.” Madame Christmas confirms, and she’s watching Ed with her own sort of sharp look, now, only this one doesn’t give him the creeps at all. “We see a lot of men on the edge of doing something dangerous in our line of work.”

“Exactly.” Ed agrees, pointing at her.

“Fair enough, kid.” Another puff of the cigarette, and then she stubs the butt out in a little portable ashtray she pulled out of her pocket. “But there are better places to sight-see in this city. Safer places.” She informs him, giving him a pointed look. “So get out of here.”

Ed accepts that, and turns to go, but hesitates, and turns back a moment later. “Just out of curiosity, do you employ boys here, or just girls?” He asks.

“Brother!” Al yelps.

Madame Christmas gives him a clinical once-over, and then a dryly amused look. “Come back in about five years, kid,” she tells him, “and I’d have people paying through the nose for you.” Al gives a scandalised sort of squeak, but Ed’s just mildly flattered by that assessment.

“I told you I’m not looking for work. I was just curious.” Ed corrects, marvelling at the strange synchronicity of his different lives. “Klaus would’ve laughed himself sick if he could see this.” He muses quietly, but not quietly enough, apparently.

“Klaus?” Madame Christmas prompts.

Ed shakes his head. “No one, just… just an old friend, sort of.”

Madame Christmas gives him a deeply sceptical look. “You’re way too young to be talking like that, kid.” She informs him, and Ed shrugs, because he can’t exactly argue without looking insane. Instead of saying anything, he just waves, and sets off down the street.

“What on earth were you talking about, Brother?” Al asks once they’re well out of earshot of the brothel. “We’ve never known anyone called Klaus.”

“Says you.” Ed retorts. “I could have friends you don’t know about.”

“No, you really couldn’t, Brother.” Al says, deadpan.

“Ouch.” Ed laughs, and then sobers up as he tries to figure out how much he ought to tell Al. “It’s just… something I remember, from- from the Gate.” He says eventually, shoving his hands into his pockets and slouching a little. He doesn’t know why Al doesn’t have the same problem as him. Maybe because he doesn’t remember the Gate at all, but that doesn’t seem right to Ed. The only thing he can figure is that he remembers because the Gate pulled him apart, pulled him open and everything that had been wrapped up inside had spilled out, all the things imprinted on his soul but tucked away out of sight had been laid bare and forced into the light. But he doesn’t know, and surely if that was the case, Al should remember, too, whether or not he remembers it happening.

“Oh.” Al says quietly. They walk in silence for several long minutes. “The Gate showed you… things to do with… with prostitutes?” He asks eventually.

Ed huffs a laugh that doesn’t have much humour in it. “Sort of. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Okay, Brother.” Al agrees. “But if you… if you ever do, you know I’ll listen, right?”

“Of course, Al.” Ed confirms, rapping his knuckles lightly against the side of Al’s breastplate. “Come on, I’ll race you back to the main street.” He says, and then bolts, laughing at Al’s indignant cries of ‘BROTHER!’ echoing behind him.

“Met your new recruit today.”

“What?!”

“Mmhm. Weird kid.”

“Weird… how?”

“He’s a lot more grown-up than he looks.”

“Yes, well, I knew that much.”

“Also said he got a bad feeling about that Tucker bloke.”

“Really? That’s interesting.”

“Very. Articulated it well, too. You’d think he’d seen people that fucked up before.”

“Fucked up?”

“I’ll talk to Helen about it, see if she can’t give me some better insight.”

“I see.”

“Perhaps you ought to look in on the man, too. Make sure he’s doing okay.”

“I will. And what exactly was Edward doing in your part of town, anyway?”

“Sightseeing.”

“…Sightseeing.”

“Mmhm. Stopped to appreciate the architecture.”

“The… architecture?”

“Thinks we should add some gargoyles to the front of the place.”

“Good heavens. I hope you’re not going to take his advice.”

“Mmm…”

“Madame!”

“Heh, don’t get your panties in a bunch, Roy-Boy. No; no gargoyles.”

“Good. I’ll see you soon.”

“You’d better. Good luck.”

“And to you as well, Madame.”

Ed feels sick. Ed has seen a lot of awful things before, but there’s something so much more awful about the botched, mangled chimera that used to be Nina Tucker. Maybe it’s because all those memories are… just a little detached. Old and faded and worn. This is immediate, right in his face, so starkly fresh that he can still smell the ozone of the transmutation.

There’s a bang upstairs, footsteps, and Al calls out, shouts for help, maybe. Ed’s barely paying attention, because he can barely breathe, and his mind is racing. Because while he can’t clearly remember the knowledge the gate pounded into his head, he does remember five different lifetimes of learning alchemy, and there has to be something in there that could help.

“Shit.” Ed’s head snaps around to stare. Roy is standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking into Tucker’s lab and staring in pale-faced horror at the whimpering chimera in the middle of the room. “Where’s Tucker?” He asks, the moment he registers that Ed is looking at him.

“We- we knocked him out and put him in one of the cages.” Al informs Roy, because Ed can’t find his tongue. Can’t find even a scrap of attention for anything happening in this century. He’s back in Xerxes. Back in Xing. Because Xerxes hadn’t had laws against human transmutation like Amestris does, their concept of biological alchemy had been entirely different, and possibly – probably – more accurate. And Xingese alkahestry was focused on and centered around healing, the body and the soul, in harmony.

Pieces start coming together in Ed’s mind, and he scrambles up. “Edward?!” Roy demands, as Ed lunges for the desk. “Brother?!” Al yelps, when Ed comes up with a piece of chalk. He needs to draw this one out, because it’s so, so fragile, so tenuous, and if he’s wrong- He needs to draw it out to make sure he’s not wrong.

“Get Nina out of the way, Al.” Ed orders, dropping to his knees and clapping to clear the array already laid out in chalk. Nina-the-chimera flinches, whines like a beaten dog, and Al leaves off questioning Ed in favour of coaxing Nina out of the way.

“Edward, what on earth do you think you’re doing?” Roy demands, stepping up to Ed’s shoulder as he starts drawing out the array.

“Tryna fix it.”

“Edward, there is no fixing it.” Roy tells him, stern and aching. “You can’t undo a completed transmutation.”

“It’s not complete.” Ed retorts. “Bungled patch job piece of shit. Soul’s out of alignment with the body. Shit, Tucker didn’t even account for souls in his circle. Did he even study anatomy? I mean, shit. No, that’s wrong-” Ed scrubs out the beginnings of a sigil and steps back for a moment, eyeing the circle. “If you account for the lóng de màibó, there needs to be-” Nodding, Ed dives back in again, putting the details into place in a flurry of inspiration.

“The what?” Roy asks.

It’s a good thing Ed’s almost done, because that question knocks him clean out of his head-space. For a moment, he sees double when he looks up at Roy. Fuller lips painted blood red, longer hair bound back with jade hairpins carved to look like plum blossoms and butterflies, narrower face that only emphasised the cunning behind dark eyes. But this is Roy, not Xiaoli, and of course he doesn’t know what the Dragon’s Pulse is.

“It’s a- Never mind.” Ed shakes his head and finishes the array. “Okay. Okay, Nina?” He calls, turning to where Al and Nina are crouched together at the edge of the room. “Hey, Nina. I think- I think I can make it stop hurting, if you’d like?” He offers.

“Big brother?” Nina rasps, and Ed’s heart breaks.

“Yeah. Could you come here a sec?” Ed asks, and Nina gets up and staggers over, butting her head against his chest and whining. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. Big brother will make it better.” He promises, and drops a kiss onto her shaggy head before backing away. “Stay right there a sec, okay?” He prompts, when she makes to come after him. She whines, but sits down hesitantly.

“Edward, are you sure…?” Roy asks.

Ed chews on his lip. “Eighty-two percent.”

“Brother, isn’t this… this is human transmutation.” Al protests weakly, coming to stand beside Ed.

“Technically? Maybe not.” Ed hedges.

“What do you mean?” Al demands, bewildered.

“Technically, if Tucker could get her here without having to face the gate, then I should be able to… well, to heal her without crossing that line, too. I don’t think I can… I can’t make her human again, is the thing, but I think- I’m pretty sure I can make her… better.” Ed tries to explain. Then, before he can second-guess himself, he drops to his knees and places his fingers on the edge of the circle. It immediately lights up bright white-blue, and Nina screams.

Ed screws his eyes shut, because he knows that sometimes healing hurts, but this is worse than anything he’s seen before. Not surprising, given that her entire body is a patchwork mess that needs streamlining.

The light dies, the screaming stops, to be replaced with the harsh, wet, gasping sobs of a child. “Nina?!” Ed calls.

“B-big brother?!” Nina calls back, all herself, without any rough, raspy dog-vocals. Ed goes boneless, even as Al and Roy both gasp. He scrubs out part of the outer circle to make sure the array can’t be reactivated, and then crawls forward to where Nina is naked and shivering on the floor.

“Hey, hey there.” Ed murmurs as he scoops her up and cradles her against his chest. “Does it still hurt, Nina? Can you- can you tell me if it hurts?”

Nina presses her face into his chest and sobs, but she’s shaking her head as she does it. “No. It hurt so bad, but- but it’s b-better now.” She mumbles weakly, and then dissolves into wailing, crying so hard she’s shaking with it. Ed looks down at her and grimaces. He’d been right when he said he couldn’t make Nina human again. Her proportions are just a little off, and she’s got a fine coat of golden-red fur over her back and limbs and climbing up her neck, and her nails look more like claws, and Ed’s pretty sure she’s got a tail now. But she’s not in pain anymore, and that’s all Ed could ask for.

Dark cloth appears in Ed’s vision, and he looks up to see Roy offering him his black great coat. Trying for a smile of gratitude and falling miles short, Ed takes it and bundles Nina up in it. They wait in silence as Nina cries herself out and then falls asleep still half in Ed’s lap and half on the floor. “Let me-” Roy murmurs softly, and Ed doesn’t even hesitate to let him scoop Nina up into his arms. He clambers to his feet and stares at her tear-streaked sleeping face. Her face, at least, looks mostly normal, although there’s something about the shape of her eyes that looks not-quite-right.

“Where are you going to take her?” Al asks, and Ed snaps to attention at the thread of fear and steel he hears in his brother’s tone.

He looks up at Roy, and Roy looks back with a pained grimace. “Somewhere she’ll be safe, I promise.” He swears.

“Where?” Al presses, sharp and high and angry. “Because I know you know what the military would do with her if-”

Roy gives a singularly humourless laugh. “You don’t need to worry, Alphonse. As far as any official report goes…” He trails off and glances towards the stairs. Only then does Ed even realise that Hughes and Hawkeye came with Roy. He scrubs at one eye and wonders at how bad his tunnel vision had gotten.

“Unless we can come up with a suitably convincing mess, I think we’d best go with missing.” Hughes interjects grimly.

“We could vaporise him.” Ed suggests darkly, jerking his thumb at Tucker.

Roy looks startled, and then thoughtful. “Claim it was Nina and that Tucker fled, and then at least the manhunt would be for someone they’re definitely not going to find. I’ll… handle that when I get back.” He sighs, looking down at Nina.

“Back from where?” Al asks belligerently.

“My mother’s.” Roy replies wryly, and all the fight goes out of Al. “She’ll take good care of Nina.”

“Let me take her.” Hughes interjects. “You need to be done with him when Military Police catch up.”

Roy nods, and hands Nina over. Hughes cradles her like she’s precious, and there’s a momentary look of heartbreak on his face. Then he’s gone, back up the stairs, and Roy is turning towards Tucker. “Hawkeye, if you could take the Elrics upstairs? I’ll join you in a few minutes.

“Sir.” Hawkeye replies, and then turns and gestures for Ed and Al to precede her up the stairs. Al moves towards her, but Ed doesn’t. “Edward?” Hawkeye prompts, her tone surprisingly gentle. It really doesn’t help with the sick feeling bubbling in Ed’s gut.

“Do you know how to make it look like a failed human transmutation?” He asks Roy.

Roy goes still, and hesitates long enough to answer that Ed doesn’t need him to actually say the words. “Not specifically, but I can make a good enough guess.” Roy says finally, decisively enough that if Ed didn’t remember, if he hadn’t had nearly a dozen adulthoods to draw on, he might have let it nudge him from the room. But he did, so he doesn’t.

“Not as good as I can.” Ed points out.

“Brother!” Alphonse protests, horrified.

“It’s fine, Al.” Ed snaps. It’s not, it’s so far beyond not fine it’s not even funny, but Ed’s been in the military three times before. He’s seen how ruthless they can be, how gleefully malicious they can be. He remembers how casually they can toss aside the lives of even their own people. If there’s anything – anything at all – that he can do to protect Nina from that, he’ll do it.

“You don’t have to do this, Edward.” Roy tells him, quiet and solemn.

“No, but I’m going to anyway.” Ed replies, meeting his gaze. “I couldn’t save Nina, but maybe- maybe I can help keep her a little bit safer now.” He hesitates, but this is Roy. This is Val and Malka and Klaus and Xiaoli and Dimka and Huang. If he can’t trust them, he can’t trust anybody. “I- I don’t think I can… kill him, though. Can-”

Roy looks like Ed just stabbed him. “I can handle that part, Edward.” He assures him.

“Yay, teamwork.” Ed jokes weakly. Roy flashes him a smile that’s hollow, but his eyes are touched with gallows humour, so Ed will take it. “You should- you should go with Hawkeye, Al. You- you don’t need to see this.” He says.

“I hate that you keep hurting yourself to protect me from things.” Al tells him, in a quiet, wounded voice that stabs straight to Ed’s core.

“Tough shit.” Ed replies, a little more brusquely than he meant to, what with the sharp pain in his heart. “I’m the big brother, that’s my job.” Al gives an angry grumble, but he leaves with Hawkeye. Ed shares one more weary, determined look with Roy, and then they get to work.

[hecalledmekrystal-blog]

Lolita

Good evening to anyone and anyone who happened to stumble across my blog. If you don’t enjoy reading about fucked up stories of persona trauma, maybe you should move to the next blog. However, if you find reading about someones personal hurdles, their road to recovery, and learning self love helpful to your own journey, then maybe this place is for you. I welcome you with open arms. 

It’s currently 3:19am. the last time I was on tumblr, was probably close to 4 years ago to go on and check out my old page with some friends. tumblr was one of my top social media sites as a teenager, however, I slowly grew out of it. But, as I just sat in bed, closing my laptop after completing the movie “Lolita” in bed, I needed to write. I am not sure if i want to type about my own Lolita experience, of if i just want to ramble on to the infinite void that the internet has to offer me. I guess me and you are both in for a surprise. 

If you’re not familiar with the movie, let me give you a quick summary. This dude is, idk , say in his 30s? And the movie opens up with this dude narrating about the time he was 14 years old, met a female 14 year old, and they fell in young sweet love. sounds lovely right? meh . not so much. sooooo, then buddy goes on to explain how this girl died, which froze something in his brain, making him still emotionally and sexually attracted to that of a 14 year old. yup. soooo, jump to present day where i think its based on somewhere in the 30′s? dude meets this chick, hes renting a room out of her house while trying to write this textbook he has been working on ( he is a professor) , he then spots eyes on 13 year old Delores. He is immediately memorized by this innocent young girl, so full of youth lounging in the sprinkler, chewing her gum, flipping a magazine, all before flashing dude with her kiddish smile that hold a retainer. At this moment, dude names her, his Lolita. So dude man pretends to be in love with Delores's mother, so that he can stay close to Delores.Delores clings to the love and attention she gets from this man, running into the house to jump on him and give him a long, deep, romantic kiss on the lips before her mother ships her off to summer camp.  Mother then dies, he goes to pick Delores up from summer camp, hides the fact that Lolita’s mother is dead. Delores is over joyed to see him, and begins to straddle him in the pulled over vehicle kissing him deeply. in case you forgot, yes she is 14 and dude man is in his 30s or some shit. soooo long story short, this movie follows the “love story” of a perverted, ill man, who falls in love and manipulates a young child. 

wow, talk about a run on paragraph, my gr.12 English teacher would NOT appreciate that paragraph...or the amount of sentences starting with a lower case letter. Whatever, that’s not the point. The point is, is that I don’t have a point, at least not one that is very sharp and polished yet. 

ENTER me. little 12 year old Krystal. were going to go with Krystal for now, and you will understand later on. At 12 years old, I met a girl, who we will call...Katelyn. I met Katelyn at a youth center in our small town. Im unsure of how many times we had hungout/played together before I met her father. Stal. Katelyn invited me over to her house, i believe via MSN (those were the days eh ). I still remember the first time I saw him, branded into my memory forever. I knocked on the front door of their small townhouse behind the highschool. “COME IN!” I hear yelled, I open the door. Katelyn is laying on the couch, stomach down, as her father sitting on her back jumping up and down, play wrestling. A couple of other kids were running around unkept house as a lady sat at the kitchen table with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, while staring at the aged laptop on the kitchen table. I later come to find out, the lasy was Stal’s fiance/girlfriend, and the children running around were their kids and their kids friends. 

back to the moment i saw him first tho, as i opened the doors, his eyes locked into mine, with a big smile on his face. “HELLO!”, yelled this man, with the energy of a 13 year old who had just spent all of their allowance at the corner store on penny candies. This man was very slim build, but not overly tall, maybe 5′7 -5′8. Long scraggy brown hair, wore tan cargo styled shorts, a black tank top, wore a brace on his right arm, a old beat up spalding baseball cap, and tattoos on most limbs. I will come to find out later in life, that this is the look that he sports 70% of the time, the rest of the time, the only article of clothing usually swapped, would be for a dark fitted pair of jeans (or the odd maybe 2 pairs of light washed) with black steal toed boots. on occasion he would wear that purple football jersey (i never followed football, but i knew it was his favourite team) , vikings maybe? who knows, who cares. But one thing, in the moment that our eyes locked, that i didn’t know. was that this moment was one of the biggest moments of my life. this moment dictated almost every decision, downfall, mistake, trauma, bittersweet memory, thought, opinion, for the rest of my life. at least until now. if i knew then, what I knew now, I would have turned my back to that man, and walked right out of that door. it would’t have even been a memory.

sorry if i’m loosing you, and i haven't gotten to the real juicy stuff yet. however, you need to understand, that in everyone's story, but may be important to them, may sound like annoying details that could have been blown over. 

IF i jumped right in and started this off with “so when I was 13, my friends dad who was in his 30s started fucking me, convinced and manipulated me that we were in love, all the while psychologically abusing me, alll the while doing this to another girl, same age, same time” .... THAT probably would have caught your attention a whole lot more, but, unfortunately for you, my patient reader, my story is more than just one run on sentence, it is 4 years of my life that I will never get back, it was four years of me truly believing that I was in love. if was four years of me lying to my friends and family, dissociating myself from friends, losing out on a preteen/teenage years, loosing my self confidence, losing my autonomy. it was 4 years that, I thought would ruin my entire life. however, it has been 7 years since this has all ended. I have recently started pressing charges against the man i once thought I would marry, i have an amazing career, an unreal support system within my friends and family. and I can say, that I fucking made it, in spite of him. 

don’t get me wrong, I have some really bad days, I do therapy, im on anti depressants, I have struggled with an eating disorder and with self mutilation. it has NOT been an easy road, and I know its still going to continue to be a rough road. but it is a road that I am slowly paving over, you can still feel some of the cracks in the foundation, but your car runs a little bit smoother on it.  I understand that my story is a little bit different, and i wish i had heard a simular one at the time to realized that what was going on, was actually abuse, and not love.

So, if i have kept you reading until here, perfect ! I am unsure of how often i will be posting, but i do have a slight idea of what it may look like. you may be rambled on posts like these, either explaining a memory i have with him, or continuing the story of Krystal and Stal, or it may be a large poem, it may only be a few sentences of of poem.  it will essentially just be, whatever the fuck is going on in my head, with the hopes that maybe somehow, someone out there can relate, and help you through a tough time as well. I know it is therapeutic to me, i can only hope it is to you as well. 

[kingasriel]

whats your rank of best WoF books?

shit dude thats such a hard question theyre just. So good

okay okay i think i got this so

1st - darkness of dragons, cause ugh. im gonna have to reread it now cause it fucks me up!! 99% of the book was so fucking good and i LOVE qibli SO MUCH i was just full of sunshine that he had his own book! also despite its shit terrible ending cause i wrote my own that a good portion of the fanbase considers canon over sutherlands so. not to kiss my own ass but its my book now and the best

2nd - darkstalker legends, oF COURSE cause im a huge fucking shithole kinnie!! i love that little bastard child!! and his sister!! and fathom! (clearsight can suck it) anyway that book really hit home hard with my family of abusers and the dynamic between my parents oh lor d! and darkstalker/whiteout are basically like the two sides of my little DID ass back then and i just. man that book made me cry! i gotta shut up before i only talk about this one lol

3rd - talons of power, b=cause i love that little turtle prince hes SO GOOD! he and peril are siblings and i WILL protect them!! also again for purrsonal reasons, im a scalie, and it was the book when darkstalker was first released and m an . i love this fucking little asshole. king of the shitlords. founder of the badly written abuse victims club. and i loved learning more about turtle and his own shit but also hang on EXCUSE Me why are he and kinkajou straight?? tui do you have eyes?

4th - moon rising, honestly this one is also really personal to me because it came out when i was REALLY hittin the depression hard and it was just so. wonderful and ofc i loved darkstalker immediatly lmao but it also introduced the Fun Gang of little gays and i just. love that winglet if anything happened to them id kill everyone in the room including myself (sidenote, sutherland is a fucking coward for not making winter/qibli a thing cause idk if shes reading what im reading cause those dragons are Not Hetero)

5/6th - escaping peril, becua se oh my god that was the arc that peril fucking deserves! i know sutherland has been really fucky with how she writes abuse victims but i felt like that book was good at portraying a mentally ill abuse victim’s recovery like. it was so fucking cathartic to read am so down for this theme of abused kids killing their parents! rest in shit scarlet and arctic!! i just love peril so much and though she deserves better than to be written hetero i hope that some abused kids can read her book and know theyre not the ones at fault?? idk man it was just refreshing

5/6th - the hidden kingdom, cause i LOVE glory so much and honestly this ones tied with perils book cause both are such satasfying arcs for abused characters. glory was a huge CC of mine back in the abused days and i definitely cried when she became queen shes just So Good. AND KINKAJOU!! the absolute #1 little banana! i love her so mUCh and sutherland is once again a coward for nearly killing her then making her straight AND not even giving her a book?? wheres my kinkajou book? wHEr

7th - the dark secret, cause who doesnt fucking love our favorite anxiety librarian !! i hate his weird gross straight crush on sunny (theyre like adopted siblings sutherland what the fuck!!) but aside from bad writing its so good like im so sorry poor dear your family sucks sO MUCH! and fatespeaker is honestly precious, those other children all deserved so much better omg. i jsut loved reading starflight and him overcoming is struggles im so proud ALSO MORROWSEER DIES HAAHHH

8th - the dragonet prophecy, i feel kinda bad putting this so low because i also love the first winglet (except sunny) but especially clay hes. SO good and round! soft and gentle potato! i wish he was my brother holy shit also gotta love that escape from abuse narrative! love those fucking kiddos theyre blessed, i guess id put it down here bc sunnys annoying but the rest of the book makes up for it especially the arena parts were so intense

9th - winter turning, cause even though sometimes he leans too hard on Het Prick i blame again the bad writing and i was still happy to read him experience actual growth and learning about his abuse was ooohghf. jesus christ im glad once again it ended with a change of heart and an abuse victim escaping their shitty relatives like LORD!

10th - the lost heir, and dont get me wrong i love tsunami, this book is mostly down on the bottom because i HATE mothers and her mother is insufferable in this book and reminds me of my own and its just. ugh. all kinds of yuck. coral die challenge. otherwise i love tsunami’s arcs and the sea kingdom was so beautiful and cool and seawing culture is fucking radical i loved the underwater segments sm! tsu, anenome, and auklet deserve better pls protect

11th - the brightest night, cause AAUHGH SUNNY. its weird cause i used to love this book so much and relate to sunny a lot before i realized i related to it because of how hard id been gaslighted and shes actually pretty fucking annoying in pressing her abused siblings into forgiving/loving their abusers and even partaking in the gaslighting herself. of course shes the only one who got a decent mother too! like it wouldve been better if shed gone through a realization like i had but nope! shes terribly written and honestly contributed to my own trauma cause i read that when i was younger and was like oh lol okay thats normal! im sure (abuser) actually means well like ive been thinking all along! idk i dont like her perspective being out there for impressionable abused kids like me. that aside i do really love thorn My Queen and the sandwing kingdom and that ending was fucking awesome

12th - the lost continent, i mean, i havent even read all of this one cause i dont want to pay money for a book that is full of racism apologism holy shit? and using such sensitive topics as slavery and genocide when sutherland isnt black/jewish/native? like from what ive read from the online excerpts and heard from others these things were just used as a plot device and not only that, a really ugly narrative about how hating oppression is bad cause uwu not all in privilege are like that!! blue deserved better than that! and i dont trust or like cricket at all, i wish i could but shit dude! also the racism of that clearsight religion on top of everything just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. i hope sutherland gets her head out of her ass and maybe next time have the help of people who know what theyre writing about in subjects outside of your experience! just give me a book about peacemaker being gay! jesus

im not counting the winglets cause i dont remember them enough ahgjkdh but let it be known that i Fucking Hate deathbringer

[pretty-volatile]

Sunday, April 19, 2020 6:38 am

I relapsed yesterday. It's so sad and pathetic. Looking at it I'm just like wow, did it even happen? What was the point if there's not like visual, idk, satisfaction that it actually happened? Honestly I wanted to keep going. I wanted to cover my whole thigh. But I didn't really have the time and I didn't want to deal with the consequences of that yet. It's stupid because I know it's because I ran out of my meds on like Monday/Tuesday, so I know it's my fault that I haven't gotten that yet. I hope it get it today... That and the trauma ™. I've just been so exhausted with all this mental work I'm doing and the physical work I'm doing at work. I just, I don't have time to care about whether my coping mechanisms are healthy or unhealthy, as long as it's doing something. With the way I'm feeling, it's like I'm in survival mode right now, doing just enough to move onto the next thing. Thought sometimes not even that.

I'm trying to ignore my ED and just let myself eat since I've been working a lot and the depression and stuffs. It doesn't always work but I have eaten more lately. Who needs expensive medical ED recovery services when you can just be stuck in quarantine with weed, food, and Netflix, amiright? :P I know it's fucked up to say but I'm not worried about dealing with that or like going into recovery or whatever. I've got other shit to deal with, but I am much more aware of it. My partner is also aware and looking out for me and bringing things up.

Dreams have been a crazy trip too. Thanks to lack of meds and the druggsss lol jk, just talkin about 🌿.

Meh, I'm tired :c

[fairycosmos]

I have social anxiety, depression, ptsd, borderline personality disorder, a Vicodin addiction, suicidal, eating disorder... and now I can add raped to that list. I can't keep living.

you can. that’s the thing. you can keep living. even if it feels like you’re at the end of your rope, you’d be surprised by what you can deal with if you just give yourself a chance. i know it just seems like one thing piling up on top of another, but you can work through it all. you can. you don’t have to have it all figured out right now. all of the things you’re dealing with, all of the things that have happened are not down to you. please listen to me, just level with me for a minute. i’m so so sorry that you’ve had to go through all of that. there’s no excuse for it, no justification or reason behind it. you didn’t deserve to go through any of that shit. and you haven’t been treated the way you should have been treated, okay? it wasn’t your fault, and it’s not right and again, i’m so fucking sorry because i have no idea how hard this must be for you. i won’t even try to understand your pain, but i know that you’re strong enough to get from one minute to the next. and right now, that’s seriously all you need to do. idk the details of your situation, but if you’re able to i’d really urge you to tell somebody what’s happened to you. whether it’s a parent, a sibling, or the police. you’ve done nothing wrong, and you shouldn’t have to stay quiet about it. this isn’t something you need to hide, though i understand that it’s probably really difficult to talk about. but whoever did this to you shouldn’t get away with it. you deserve justice and peace of mind. i know that telling someone might feel like a bit much right now, and of course the choice is yours. however you want to deal with this, it’s okay. as long as you try to stop fighting yourself, okay? please please allow yourself to get the help and care that you need. you don’t have to go through this alone. i know it sounds like empty words right now, but it’s not. it’s just the truth. you’re not alone.

you are so much more than your mental illnesses. you are so much more than what you’ve been through. yes, it’s a part of you. but it hasn’t consumed you, even if right now it feels like it has. there are a lot of people that can relate to what you’re dealing with. there are so many people that have gotten passed what you’ve been through because they made their own mental health and safety a priority. i know it’s difficult, i know. but i fucking promise that it’s not always going to feel this intense, it’s not always going to feel so bad. seriously, all you need to do is make the first step and help yourself in any way that you can. being raped is a terrible, traumatic thing and it’s okay to need help in order to overcome it. you can’t control what other people do to you. you can’t control what has happened to you. but you can control how you react to it, and you can choose where you go from here. there are a lot of ways to get help, there are real professionals out there that can and will get you through this if you just ask them to. you genuinely have more options than you realize. if you haven’t talked to a doctor or therapist, please please do. or even just speak to any mental health group/organization in your area. they can offer guidance, coping mechanisms, medication if necessary. they can offer you a way forward, even if it all seems so hard right now. i know it’s overwhelming, i get that. it might feel like you don’t even have the energy to move right now, to get through one second to the next. but you will. just please believe me when i say that you are a good person, you deserve help and love and you don’t have to believe everything that your brain is telling you. keep in mind that you suffer from mental illness, which really does twist your perception of everything into some negative and dark even if it’s not, you know? you’re not always going to feel the way you do right now, lovely. just take it one step at a time and you’re going to be okay. check out these links while you decide what you to do next and how to give yourself what you need -

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm

https://dealingwithrape.com/

http://www.teenvogue.com/story/sexual-assault-help

http://www.anxietycoach.com/anxietysymptoms.html

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips

http://imwiththeclouds.tumblr.com/post/38347319557/100-reasons-to-why-you-shouldnt-commit-suicide

https://psychcentral.com/lib/five-beginning-steps-for-dealing-with-trauma/

https://themighty.com/2017/01/survivor-tips-bpd-borderline-personality-disorder/

please, please promise me that you’ll stay alive. for yourself, and for those who love you. it’s going to be okay. one day at a time. one minute a time. even one second at a time, that’s all you need to get through now. you’re so much fuckin stronger than you realize,  you know? i really mean that from the bottom of my heart. if you stick around, you aren’t going to regret it. it’ll be so fucking worth it. you deserve to be happy, you deserve love and warmth and light and you’ll find all of that if you allow yourself to heal, if you do what you need to do and give yourself the tools you need to recover. i really genuinely hope that you find it in you to keep going. i care, and a lot of other people do too. i’m seriously always here if you ever need to talk, and if you’re ever thinking about doing something stupid then you can ALWAYS message me and i’ll listen and i’ll help you. like i said, you’re not alone. just check out those links and let yourself breathe for a few days. talk to someone whenever you feel ready. again, whatever you want/need - it’s okay. i hope your pain eases soon. whatever happens, every feeling you have is just temporary. you’ll make it if you just try, okay? stay strong. 

[thenightisland]

updates under the cut

post one

post two

on this edition of “fuck you 2017″

we had one of our techs get her head bashed in with her walkie talkie for no reason like just walking her checks like she was supposed to and the pt grabbed that beat her head in and tried to stab her with her own pen and showed zero remorse and could give no reason as to why she did it so that room was so full of blood that it looked like a crime scene and they had to literally mop it up and the tech had to go to the er obviously 

a pt got punched in the face by another pt and in trying to keep the two apart, my alpha tech got his arms literally soaked in blood trying to keep the one who got punched from getting punched again and for a while there we thought we were going to lose our tech because when we ran exposure labs on the bleeder he was positive for hepatitis so we were all scared to death our tech had hepatitis

apparently we’re running a special on bloody messes because one pt out of nowhere stood up in the dining room picked up his chair and brought it down on another pt’s head so when we came in at three that guy was going to the er with a seven inch head wound

hell, a few days ago a pt attacked a tech for no reason and he was an older tech quiet sweet harmless so naturally the pt went after him and that was so bad that /other patients were helping us pry that pt off our staff/

finally met the infant i’ve been putting off meeting since january so that was. interesting. 

oh another of my techs, she called in on a monday some weeks back and admin was bitching at her so much for it despite the fact that she was /in the hospital because she’d had a miscarriage/ and then thursday of that week her brother got fucking /shot/

fuck even i got jumped by a pt which feels like a minor detail

everyone’s morale is so low because everything is so fucked up at work right now like people who have worked there longer than me are like “it didn’t used to be like this having people in seclusion for seven hours never happened you only heard of a staff member getting attacked maybe once every few months you never had this many holds or this kind of staffing for a census of 85″ like sounds fake but okay i literally cannot imagine what this place used to be like

we caught someone mid-suicide attempt via hanging self from a doorknob like threw all their weight to the ground unconscious when we found them and as soon as air got back in those lungs they fought us like crazy and we had them in a hold for over an hour to keep them from trying to hurt themselves again it was honestly one of the most terrifying nights we’ve ever experienced bc it was also a case we’ve all been heavily invested in and worked a lot with so catching someone in the middle of hanging themselves /two days before the pt’s birthday/ was. a lot like we were all so shaken esp because most of us have at some point or another been suicidal or tried to kill ourselves so we’re really good at picking out the serious suicide attempts from the attention seeking nonsense some of our pts and we were all really quiet because we knew this one was 100% serious and it fucked us all up because we’re the only shift that’s really even taken the time to try to help this particular pt everyone else sort of gave up or just ignores them????? so it hit us way harder than anyone else and god it was chilling

i’ve had several emotional upsets in my personal life which i’m not even about to open that can of fucking worms because it’s A Lot

also like listing out all those violent and awful incidents is kind of reminding me that normal people with normal jobs are not usually exposed to this kind of constant violence and suicide like i forget that seeing the things i’ve seen would be considered really traumatic for a regular person and for us it’s just tuesday? but it’s happened /so much/ and shows no signs of getting better and tbh it feels like the entire hospital is in a crash and burn phase right now which is not good not good at all

our 76 year old house supervisor is really sick with some respiratory mess and i hope every fucking day she doesn’t die because we’re honestly really close and i don’t want to feel like i’ve lost another grandmother thanks

and as we speak, my second in command, who was having orthopedic surgery during the last update, is about to be out having more abdominal surgery. last summer she walked around with a mild upset stomach for two weeks and found out that she’d actually be walking around with a ruptured appendix for two weeks and had to have emergency surgery because she was septic and was in the icu for two weeks and almost died. she then had to have another surgery in like november because there was still bacteria they missed. so now, literally on the one year anniversary of the first abd surgery, she is in the hospital yet again with what is either peritonitis a hernia/strangulation or a perforation, or a combination of those things and will probably have to have /another goddamn surgery/. so jan 2016 acl and mcl ortho surgery, aug 2016 almost died abd surgery, nov 2016 second abd surgery, feb(? i think?) 2017, second round of ortho surgery on the same knee, and now aug 2017, round three of abd surgery because i’m pretty sure all my friends and loved ones are cursed because that’s the only explanation at this point. so like. @universe please don’t kill one of my best friends thanks.

meanwhile earlier this week, /i/ started having the exact same symptoms she had last year so i was at the doctor wednesday to rule out anything being ruptured and idk if it’s better or worse because it wasn’t anything life threatening, but after running several tests, it’s discovered that physically i’m in great shape and that the severe abdominal pain and lack of appetite and fatigue etc etc is literally just from stress so i’m off till next week with the modern equivalent of “she has a fragile constitution and needs a week’s rest in the country” yes that’s right 2017 has literally been so goddamn awful and stressful that my body low key shut me down in an effort to get fucking recovery time like ever since my life started going to shit in mid april it’s just stayed bad and nightmares are breaking through the medication which no thank you i enjoyed sleeping and so i haven’t been sleeping hardly at all lately either this year has literally wrecked me and this is all minus the several serious intense things happening in my personal life right now lol

like everyone i work with is falling apart under the pressure we love our jobs and we love each other but the job might being kind of low key killing us so when you add in the stress of our various personal lives and our health on top of you know being witness to horrible life threatening violence and trauma every day........

let’s just say 2017 has yet to turn around and i’m starting to wonder if it will at all?????? or if it’s just going to suck all the way till 2018 so anyway like i originally intended my sort of ghost status to be more temporary but literally the only reason i even have it in me to write this right now is because i’m basically on bed rest for the next four and a half days so.............i guess i’ll return to normal when 2017 STOPS DOING THIS SHIT