#idk though ignore me! this post isn’t very vague at all if anything i am specificposting!! gross!

[throes-of-warm-tornadoes]

if i can get quite vulnerable and real again i feel like i am making no impact on the world + people around me. which would be fine if i didn’t really care about doing that, but i do. i haven’t done volunteer work since high school. i haven’t given back to the community in any way since i started college. and there’s not even any excuse for it. there are so many on campus resources and so many opportunities to take advantage of and i’m just. not doing anything about it. and every time im like that changes NOW it only lasts a couple days and then i slip back into being an absolute bum

also, i just feel so lost!! i’ve known from a very young age that i wanted to be financially independent and now that i have a Big Girl Job opportunity im so scared!! bc on paper it should be everything i want but with any profession its so flawed and i feel like im just gonna be so bogged down by the reality of it all! even though i know i dont have to do it for the rest of my life and even though i know it could be a good stepping stone for ACTUALLY doing what i want, its so terrifying to confront the reality of it all. like this is it. this is the thing you’re gonna spend your 20s doing. and if you decide to do something else then. well. good luck, babe!

[thedreadvampy]

Like idk what you want from me here. If you want to engage me in a specific question about ace/aro identities, as I've said several times and nobody has ever actually done, then ask me the specific question. Don't fuck around with vague gestures at Points of Discourse and then get cross with me because I haven't answered the Exact Question you Didn't Ask But Expected Me To Intuit.

Preface: If you don't want to answer any of these because you are allo/allo and don't have a say because its not your place, say that. In fact, I'm asking these because you seem to do have opinions on things you shouldn't based off things you have said in the past.

I also want to state that I agree fully with your points about Martin- minus the blatant aphobia. Not just acephobia, arophobia as well.

1. Do you think qprs are problematic? I believe you once made a post saying roughly that qprs are just normal friendships, or something like that, that has since been deleted. What is your current opinion?

2. Are het aros lgbt?

3. Are het aces lgbt?

4. Cis aro/aces lgbt?

5. Cishet aro/aces?

6. Do the spectrums and micro identities exist? You've implied in the past they don't, in the post about how they were supposedly created from sex positivity

7. Can aros be in or desire romantic relationships?

8. Can aces have or desire sex?

9. Does the split attraction model exist and does it benefit people?

10. Can teenagers identify as aro/ace or do you think they're too young?

11. Can you be, say, an aroace lesbian, or an aroace gay, aroace bi, etc. Idk how to phrase this one but like can you be aroace and still id with another orientation?

I could send another anon detailing the aphobia in the post, because I at least am certainly not upset about Martin being sexual, rather it was the very blatant aphobia. It could have stemmed from ignorance, and if that's the case I don't mind explaining it.

Ok this is a lot of questions, some with quite involved answers, so I'm gonna answer them chunk by chunk so it's a bit more manageable, and then I might come back to some of the surrounding message. This isn't gonna be an immediate bang bang bang, but I'll try and work through them over the next couple of days.

Question 1

1. No, I don't think qprs are problematic. I don't necessarily understand them but I don't need to understand them to understand and respect that they're a thing that's important to a lot of people. I don't know what post you're referring to, but I'm surprised that you say it was deleted, because I very rarely delete posts except, occasionally, reblogs where people have flagged up misinformation or dogwhistles or which I reblogged by accident. tbh I'm the messiest online presence I'm way too lazy to delete past posts or block people even when I probably should bc I don't like to feel like I'm ~hiding evidence~. So I'm not saying you're wrong, you're probably totally right, but I'm surprised.

I'm thinking about what posts I've made that you could be thinking of, and obviously I don't remember everything I say on here bc I say A Lot and I actively post to get things out of my head so 🤷‍♀️ but I do remember making a post a while ago where I said that it was a normal expectation of friendship to have some friends close enough that you'll live with them, raise kids with them, etc, and I'm wondering if that was the post you're thinking of? I did have qprs in mind while writing that to a degree, but only because I think 'you wouldn't do this with your friends' is a very common argument people put forward about qprs and I think it's a weak argument, because many people have different definitions of friendship, and the only argument I think is needed for any sort of I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing is...I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing. Like you can't offer a universal materialist definition of the differences between romantic, queerplatonic, sexual and platonic relationships, because the boundaries are very personal and it's really an emotional and experiential difference. so if that is the post you're thinking of, I wasn't criticising The Concept Of QPRs as much as saying that I thought trying to put hard lines around What Friends Do Vs What QPPs Do was a) counterproductive when arguing with someone who thinks QPR is Just Normal Friendships bc. if they do those things with their friends then saying NO THIS IS A QPR THING just reinforces their existing belief that you're talking about the same thing as they mean by friendships and b) to me seems to set a painful expectation to young people that you can only get these kinds of close friendships occasionally and in the form of a QPR and it will be stigmatised and misunderstood (and depending on how people talk about it, is only accessible to aspec people and allo people should only expect it to come through romantic/sexual relationships), when in fact most people of most ages I know have friends with whom they can share things like housing, deep feelings, futures, finances, who they miss if they don't see for a few days, who are mutually supportive and vital to their wellbeing. I don't think that's mutually exclusive with the existence of QPRs though - like I personally don't know what the difference is between a QPR and a close friendship, but I also don't know what the difference is between a romantic relationship and a close friendship but I know there is one and I know it's not a question of What You Do but a question of How You Feel And Interact, and that's pretty hard to define in unambiguous terms.

Like generally I don't Not Think QPRs exist, and I think it's a dick move to try and tell people they're wrong about how they experience and define their relationships because???? how are you meant to know that better than the person whose relationship it is??? but I do think the way people talk about QPRs (both from the perspective of defending them and from the perspective of attacking them) is pretty rife with problems and I don't think it's invalidating the reality of QPRs to talk about where the arguments and language around them potentially falls down or has unexpected consequences.

On the other hand, I don't know if that actually is the post you're referring to - the reason I'm calling back to that is that that and a few resultant asks are the only time I remember talking about QPRs on here in the last year or so. So like, several of these questions reference past posts, which is very fair, but I do need it to be clear that, since I don't really tag anything and I don't have a great memory, I can only really speak to What I Think Now In This Context, not to what I posted in the past and what I was thinking when I posted it. Like, this isn't too deny responsibility - I reckon I'm responsible for what I post even if I don't still agree with it, which is why I don't tend to delete my own posts on purpose - but just to deny capacity, I guess? I don't really KNOW what I've posted so if you talk about it in vague terms (and I do understand that if it's been deleted there's not a lot you can do but that) I may not necessarily be responding to the part of it that's worried you, so if I'm not speaking to something specific I've said or done, it's not because I Don't Want To, I just don't necessarily know to.

I'm waffling about this because looking through your messages there's a lot of "you said X" and like. given that the intended message of the post that's kicked this off was very different to the message people have taken from it, it feels important to me to know whether if I looked at the posts you're referencing I'd be like "ah yeah I did believe that but now I believe X" or if it's more a situation of "oh right I can see how you took X from that but my thinking was more Y".

(also sometimes when people say "you made a post" they mean "you reblogged a post" and I am a compulsive discourse scroller so sometimes I reblog a random post to bookmark my place on someone's discourse blog or I accidentally longpress the reblog button while scrolling - I try to delete reblogs that I don't agree with but sometimes I miss some, all of which to say if there's a post on my blog that doesn't seem to reflect what I say in my original posts then it doesn't necessarily mean I'm a crypto-whatever so much as I'm very lazy and messy with my blog. Doesn't mean I shouldn't be held accountable for reblogs but it's useful to know if we're talking original content or reblogs bc I'm unlikely to fully accidentally make a post. but I quite often accidentally reblog stuff. I doubt this is the case with this sitch just bc of your phrasing but I want to cover my bases)

anyway tl;dr: no I don't believe that QPRs themselves are inherently problematic, nor do I think I have at any point believed that, but I do think that a lot of the language and ideas used to talk about them are based in miscommunication or absolutist ideas about relationships and can have damaging knock on effects.

[galaxy-creationz]

A long and controversial fandom analysis:

I have *~thoughts~* about Stargirl and shipping and stuff but it’s gonna look like I’m trying to start beef with a certain 1 or 2 people here (one of which I follow oof) so if you’re reading this (you know who you are), I just want to say that I’m not. Though it’d be best if you didn’t read this because my opinion is very different from yours. I’m sorry, block me if you want, it’s nothing personal, I won’t be offended, but I just wanted to post this. 

Okay, if you aren’t one of the people I implied, take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is my personal opinion and I am not attacking anyone. And please read the tags.

I am open to (respectful!) debating, so here we go. Here’s the hot takes that could possibly start a ship war, though I pray that we are all mature enough to prevent it: 

My opinions on who I ship and also Courtney’s orientation, the short answer:

I ship her with both Yolanda and Cameron. Sorta. And my personal headcanon is that she’s attracted to both boys and girls (idk about specific labels tho) but she doesn’t know this until later. 

And here’s the long answer: 

I know that Camney will be canon at some point (sorry that’s just the truth), though a cast member that I can’t recall exactly who but I know is a cast member, said that their relationship will be “complicated”. Now, I have no idea how to interpret this, as said cast member was pretty vague about it.  

I know that Cameron finding out about his father’s death and (possibly?) turning evil will most likely be the reason, but I feel like there’s more.

Now, after some digging, I found out about his character in the comics. (Comic fans will probably know where this is going.) If they do bring this in, this gives another layer to the complicated-ness that the ship will be in season 2. 

In my ideal season 2, he and Courtney will date for a few episodes, then he’ll realize that he isn’t attracted to her (or not, according to what the writers decide to do with him) and break up. After this, Courtney will go to Yolanda for comfort which leads to them catching feelings for each other and then they date and Wildstar will be endgame. The end. If it doesn’t then I’m also chill with that but that’s just my favorite speculation.

Of course, this isn’t likely (but then again, I’m sure the writers won’t erase his identity for fear of backlash). Here are several other scenarios, which I’m also chill with:

1. He still turns evil but Courtney doesn’t know this until later. When she finds out, there is angst and a breakup, which either leads to them getting back together by the end of the season or Courtney ending up with someone else, whether it’s a new character or an existing one. 

2. If they don’t get back together, Courtney can still end up getting with Yolanda like in my ideal scenario. The same thing happens. 

3. Or Cameron doesn’t turn evil and the complicated-ness is all from finding out who his dad is (was) and there is less angst but he and Courtney stay together. 

Now, I might be saying this because I just dislike Camney a lot less than everyone else here, or I genuinely ship it,  which brings me to my next point:

I don’t know how I feel about the ship, or the other one. Like, at all. 

Am I just shipping it because it’s gonna be canon at some point? 

Do I actually like Camney more than Wildstar but I’m repressing that part of me for fear of being an outcast in the Tumblr fandom?

Do I not even like Wildstar and only ship them (and write a fic about  them) because everyone practically peer pressured me into it?

Do I secretly only ship Wildstar, and is my brain just tricking me into thinking I ship Camney because I ship the canon ships in other fandoms and is preparing me for when they become canon?

This gets even crazier when I factor in another one of Courtney’s potential (or just popular?) love interests, Cindy. 

Unlike most people in the fandom, I’m not a huge fan of her, especially because of what she did to Yolanda. It seems like everyone put the blame on Henry for that. Yes, he did have a part in it, but let’s not forget that it was 90% Cindy. 

I’ve seen claims that she’s coded to have feelings for Courtney, especially because of the tension (?) in their fight scenes. It was also confirmed by a cast member. People are also saying that the writers are trying to send the message that “straight good everything else bad”, but to be honest, I don’t see it. 

There are straight villains. (assuming that all those ISA pairings floating around are just crackships)

Also, Wildstar still has a chance of happening. 

Maybe I don’t like Starshiv as much as other people do because it reminds me of another ship. (Supergirl fans who follow me will know) Or maybe because I think Cindy is perfect as a villain and the only way the ship would work is if she had a redemption arc? Or because of the above reasons. Don’t get me wrong, I think she’s a good character, but just not a good person. 

I feel like in another world, if that Supergirl ship that it reminds me of didn’t exist, maybe I might’ve ended up a Starshiv shipper. But that’s not the world we live in. 

There are claims that the writers (one in particular) are homophobic. I don’t know enough about that one writer to say anything, but given that he’s an older straight man and Tumblr hates him, he probably is. But let’s not drop the H-word on everyone else. 

Which brings me to how disturbingly familiar this situation is to me. For those of you who aren’t in the Supergirl fandom, let me explain. 

Kara is the main character.  (Parallel to Courtney)

Lena (wow I didn’t censor her name for once) is a villain who is popularly shipped with her. (Parallel to Cindy but I genuinely hate Lena, and there is no confirmation that Lena is coded to have feelings for Kara)

William is supposedly Kara’s love interest. He has asked her out only once. (Parallel to Cameron but he’s 100% straight)

(I can’t find a character that’s the equivalent of Yolanda, so let’s just ignore her for this part.)

The resemblance is that I dislike Kara and Lena as a couple, but am partial to Kara and William, despite them not being my first choice as a ship. And the people who ship Kara with Lena tend to dislike William very, very much, claiming that he’s too boring.

Of course, with Supergirl being a much older show than Stargirl, this problem is 23894793847 times worse. We have people harassing the actors and sending  them death threats, and real person shipping is big, and they claim William to be abusive. 

I’m not saying that Starshiv shippers are as bad as that (obviously) but I’m scared they will be someday. Luckily, Wildstar is still more popular. 

Go ahead, hate Cameron if you want. He’s not real, so no feelings will be hurt. I am not implying that you will do this, so don’t take this the wrong way, but remember that his actor is real, has feelings, and is not the same as his character, so keep fiction and reality separate.

And please do the same with the other characters.

Anyways, to end this, let’s go back to where I started.

I feel like too many people think that Courtney can only like one gender. There’s the “fanon says it’s girls and canon says it’s boys” but like I said, she can like both so that’s what I think. 

The writers will most likely make her straight, and this is gonna make people really mad at them, causing a backlash that could potentially become like the Supergirl fandom’s. I hope not.

So, that’s my thoughts on Stargirl. Thank you for reading. I am fully prepared for a flood of anon hate coming after me. The second I get a hate ask, I’m closing my ask box for the next few days.

I’m gonna lose friends for this, aren’t I?

[spnreactionblogging]

DESPAIR

SPOILERS BELOW / tw suicide sort of

ah the title really does sum this up. I am filled with such dread going in. I know cas gets sent to super hell, I know the destiel shippers are declaring it canon (but then, when haven't they), and I've heard from a reliable source that the show officially as of just now is queerbaiting for real by making it vague and easy to ignore it instead of actually confirming anything. plus nobody seems to give a fuck about jack, as usual, and sam didn't get to say goodbye? god how can this get better???? I hope buckleming got to fucking murder castiel! that would really improve this for me!!! the cherry on the shit sundae for real so okay here goes. ugh. I have this angel's envy bourbon at 1PM, oops. I feel like I will need it for this one more than the others I also am ensconced in my castiel trenchcoat + "be super good" shirt, and cas, crowley, and sam the q-pals are joining me. dean is banished to remain in the tote bag they live in. god I want to scream. this fucking synopsis "With the plan in full motion, Sam, Dean, Castiel and Jack fight for the good for the common goal." oh the plan to use Jack as a suicide bomb???? great idea. lol I hate this. whose "common good"????????? ah but yes dean runs a dictatorship right. no wonder chuck butts heads with him dean looks so fucking smug in the amazon prime video app, hovering over the episode where cas will die horribly. fuck. there is nothing that can emotionally prepare me for this episode the show is going to end with sam and dean because it started with sam and dean and chuck/the IRL writers are bitter about it I guess??? delete fucking everything god, very fucking cute of dean to be like WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING!!! you fucking piece of shit you forcememed this to go as quickly as possible because you want Jack fucking dead, don't pretend you care god. fuck. jack apologizing for dying, to the empty. I hate everything so much ah, so that's why the opening title screen has been that. gross. horrible. a jack singularity is that it? really? jack's dead? just like that. okay. awful. oh he's MAYBE dead. reassuring. I see that briana buckmaster and jim beaver will be joining us my cat is sitting in front of the TV trying to prevent me from watching this, trying to save me from myself oh and felicia day oh this one's written by robert berens, I mostly trust him I think sam should've photocopied the book first oh hey RSJ directed this one I'm glad to have rachel miner back in any capacity that's... alpha/omega on the side there? makes sense I hope it's a fake book god I love sam sitting on the like. what is that, weird equipment panels? more confirmation sam is queer, you heard it here what leverage does dean even think he has cool jack's just getting tortured now "the boy is still useful" at least billie isn't pretending to care about him. oh she left the book thank fuck cas goes to him right away, please hug this child alcohol is not gonna help you guys sleep oh here's dean's half-assed apology. "sorry not sorry that I just couldn't stop, I couldn't help it, I just wanted to get what I wanted, and now that I didn't get what I wanted, sowwy uwu I guess" "you've snapped me out of worse" yeah don't minimize this, sam oh yeah michael exists. I notice dean refers to him as michael and not including adam. way to go I notice that sam does not drink right away "to somehow" those eggs look great "no guns at the table" is a solid rule not only for how miserable that is, but because everything surrounding firearms is a carcinogen and doesn't need to be near food please love yourself charlie please eat good eggs am I supposed to know stevie, was she part of the alternate universe, I still like never watched most of 10-13 oh we're gonna kill MULTIPLE queer characters in this episode, awesome. we gonna kill charlie AGAIN??????? we brought her back just to kill her off, AGAIN? LIKE KEVIN? and bobby I guess?? can I just say how much I hate the concept of a "final boss fight" like why is it always ending in a fight, why is violence always the answer, and why do we feel like one final violent action will solve all the problems huh charlie's shirt looks like a tycho album cover okay so I didn't forget stevie, she was brand new? maybe? I love cas and jack :( feels strange because this all sucks there's no such thing as destiny, jack don't fucking die for sam and dean and 'the world' damn right, cas, he doesn't need "absolution" well that's true for you, cas, you care because he's him. dean just wants to use him cas and jack are good. charlie this was so not your fault. as usual this is the winchesters' fault. tell 'em charlie!!! get 'em!!! you're not sorry, dean. "What now?" is a huge fucking mood, dean oh, greg! our old friend! greg was a real one (but not anymore) yeah eileen's screwed. this includes sam too. and dean i guess. sam is a good person who cares about people despite dean's best efforts to stop him I can't see who he's texting. are cas and jack in the back? poor eileen :( god poor sam having to basically get eileen in front of eyewitnesses who can attest that she disappeared cas and jack are in the backseat yeah I wish he'd tell her she's never gonna reply now yeah she's gone. interesting use of technology that they couldn't've done earlier in the series, to show she was typing but then stopped god that's awful. fuck. "If I let myself go then I'll lose my mind. I can't, right now." that's a huge fucking mood sam let's just postpone all that grief for later. gotta shove it down. huge fucking mood. god I'm so sorry somewhere central... the... bunker? don't split everyone up dean, fuck yes revenge is definitely the answer. killing things is the answer. "not having a choice" is obviously the answer. you fucker we get a sam and dean hug but where's the one for cas. you can like... see it in sam and jack's eyes that they are worried they're never gonna see them again. I'm horrified that cas isn't getting to say goodbye to jack nor sam. I can't handle this. I guess this scene is where they took that last group photo that misha posted back in march? RIP :( oh hey donna jack, that feeling is TheDepression oh gas-n-sip sam's sweet to try to give jack some autonomy here instead of having him just... being shuffled around like baggage. is that eileen's car then this music is intense don't burn the fucking library also wow dean with the reaper blade again is oof. wow. yikes. dean is become death, destroyer of worlds for real. jesus that is fucking horrifying to see. aren't you, dean? aren't you a bringer of death. remember when you hated doing that back in season... 4? 5? later? dean has learned nothing. sam's been trapped in a silo before hasn't he. or that panic room or something. donna is sweet. jack is good. jack deserves better. sam :( donna is very kind I like hearing jody and garth mentioned even if they're not in this episode (?) oh hey charlie sam at least knows how you feel, charlie I like this set god I've missed jim beaver is jack going around with spraypaint? I'm like oh god there's no ventilation. I guess it's a paint bucket but still the fumes are bad. better than being evaporated though I guess big man on campus. RIP stanford sam at least there's a bucket. praeses magna. "president large"? thinking about how it would be impossible to have extras for episodes 19 and 20 I like watching jack paint RIP that plant. apparently he has his powers dean walks around way too comfortably with the reaper scythe. oh but the plan has changed. did billie leave that book and nobody read it?????? dean you don't have friends, bud. yeah how did you tink you would even stand a chance, dean. this is the worst plan ever I'm so tired of seeing cas get tortured. I don't want to see billie get hurt either. is "billie" actually the empty or something "Has virtutes conliga. Eas integra. Eas firma. Nos omnes serva." = "These virtues bind. Those infected. These are strong. We keep them all." idk google translate, I feel like that may not be "infected" but more like integrity I like the effects they did on the wardings there yeah pretty much you can't stop god oh I'm real sad about that couple who vanished together :( bye charlie bye bobby. :( bye donna??? oh that like gold paint gossamer looking shit going on with billie's arm is cool god I'm glad billie smacked him in the face, dean deserves it. I just rewound it to see dean get clocked again, it's so worth it so they went back to the bunker... for what? billie can just go there. sam and jack are gonna have such a rough fucking day. all those double cheeseburgers are back for revenge on dean billie's right actually. dean always thinks the rules don't apply to him because he thinks he should be making the rules. castiel should be with jack, not with dean. fuck. can't cas still heal people the scythe on the wall is a good visual. I really like lisa berry, she does an amazing job is this the same room with the ma'lak box always happy to bleed for the winchesters. christ. fuck. even with dean's pocketknife. cas I'm so sorry. sweetheart you don't deserve this. 7B? so Jack was trapped in 5B, this is a different room but probably the same actual setpiece just rearranged do you just... have to wait her out yeah yeah dean you suck. correct, you never should've left sam and jack. wow I feel zero sympathy for dean at all. you do it to yourselllllf you do, that's what really hurts. oh baby don't summon the empty please :( I'm so glad to know that cas never told them about how he saved jack, it's none of their business yeah it would be with jack, cas. you should be with him man this is shitty. this is like a bad fanfic for real. wow these shots are like, when it cuts between them it's so obvious these were not the same camera lmao fuck. how many takes was this god i hate dean. he has not done this for love. dean is a spiteful person. "you're the most caring man on earth" literally kill me. I want to die. jesus fuck. i want to be dead this is awful this sucks this actually really hurts. this sucks so much. dean you squandered this angel's life. now jack has no father. i hate you dean winchester. i hate you. you don't deserve cas loving you jack knows, jack can feel it. I hate hate hate hate hate hate that jack is left alone with the winchesters. i hate this. jesus fuck i hate this so much i hate this jack sweetheart I'm so sorry dean you fucking ass please pick up the fucking phone. please answer sam. i hate you god dean i hate you fuck dean you are the worst. fuck my life. fuck all this. fuck this show. i'm so angry castiel deserves so much better than this. fuck i'm so mad. why wasn't his moment of happiness knowing that JACK WASN'T GOING TO DIE. i hate this. I'm so upset. fucking shit-ass writing. and it's still not fucking canon you morons at least uh they don't have to have extras for the last two episodes? did they add that footage after? is that what got changed up? everyone's gone huh. god just. dump the show right into the trash. bye. also for fuck's sake nobody gives a fuck about jack like I didn't even know he survived. nobody cares. "sam didn't get to say goodbye" FUCKING JACK DIDN'T GET TO SAY GOODBYE fuck this so much. fuck, is dean just chuck's OC? made in his image and furious that his mini-me isn't acting the way he wants? is that why he gets exonerated at every turn? "all the evil shit you did is fine dean you're the MOST LOVING AND THE BESTEST EVER!!!" fuuuuuck

[some-creep]

SERIOUS and OFFICIAL RE3 Creep Review

Resident Evil 3 Remake is a good and fun game that I have already dedicated more energy into than all of RE2 Remake.

However. We can’t leave it at that so here’s a stupid long post.

First off: This will not include any mention of the freebie multiplayer game bundled in, RE: Resistance, a game that I unfortunately like but also realize it adds absolutely nothing to the purchase of this game itself.

Second: I have no goddamn idea what other people are saying about this game because I haven’t even clicked on the steam store page to see the general review scores. I don’t have twitter, and I refuse to watch reviews. All I know is vague youtube titles I’ve seen in my feed. That’s it.

Third of all: Everything I’ve ever written on here is disjointed and confusing so buckle the fuck up.

Oh. And spoilers.

To start this story we must go back to everyone’s favorite year, 2003, when RE3 released on the Gamecube and I was in third grade. Watching my cousin play it when he stayed over was my first actual experience with the series. And Nemesis was, like, really fucking scary at the time because I was a child. I bring this up because as you all might know, I’m a bit of an obsessed weirdo sometimes. This is where it started for me, so RE3 is kind of a big deal for me personally. Conceptually, this game means kind of a lot to me I guess.

As a “remake”, RE3 does, like, a terrible fucking job at being one of those. This is flat out, just, not a remake. At all. It’s a re-imagining. It would be easier to count the things they included from the original over the things they cut, that’s how different it is. OG RE3 had like. Three environments. And the remake just straight up cuts one of them and slaps a different character in the other. Alright I guess. We don’t see Brad get killed by Nemesis, because that just… doesn’t happen anymore. Jill doesn’t go to the police station… at all even. There’s no missile countdown during the final boss fight which was my favorite part because it was like. I know it was just a glorified timer but it was much scarier to me than the self destruct timer? Idk for some reason the concept of a missile destroying the whole ass city is an idea that genuinely just kind of freaks me out to this day.

This will sounds very hyperbolic but the ending was kind of garbage. Mr. Paul I love my Wife Anderson did a shot for shot recreation of the original ending and I guess I was just expecting something like that instead we got. Not. That. I don’t know if these complaints are valid but they are things I’ve been thinking about a lot. Half that scene straight up just takes place in a map that is just an empty white void. If that after the credits scene wasn’t a possible hint at a Code Veronica remake I will riot. CV is my other favorite game (conceptually. CV itself is a completely fucking unplayable nightmare game).

There’s no helicopter fight. There’s no gravedigger. There’s no giant spiders. There’s one bonus costume. Hell, there frankly isn’t even a lot of Raccoon City at all.

I guess it is short. My first play through was 4ish hours of logged gameplay and 6ish hours of total playtime with cutscenes and nemesis chases which apparently pause the timer since they’re basically QTEs? This doesn’t really bother me like it does other people. I don’t have a lot of free time anymore. Everyone fucking hates that this game is short from what I’ve seen? Idk. (It’s no shorter than RE2. RE2 just seems longer since you can be Leon or Claire but their stories are basically identical. B scenario in RE2 Remake was a fucking joke.)

Buuut… I really, really like this game.  Carlos is fine. He’s in this game. I still don’t like him that much but he’s the best of the male sidekicks. Maybe I like him more than Leon. He isn’t offensive or anything I just don’t stan him as hard as everyone on here seems to. Mikhail is way, way better now. Love how he knows who Jill is. Nikolai has… good facial mocap I guess. He’s certainly in the game and is evil and Russian again so no change there. Tyrel is a character who does things and is in scenes. He seems nice. He’s doing his best. And then there’s Jill. Who got the best treatment of anything in this entire game. Not like, physically of course, her ribs are absolutely destroyed and her spine has been snapped several times after all of that shit they put her through in the cutscenes.

I loved, loved, loved the opening. So much. Jill’s apartment. Her nightmares. The fact her life is in shambles. I’ve gushed about this before but I genuinely loved how the game opened. It’s everything I could have asked for and so much more. It’s an idea I’ve toyed w/ before in one of the only finished stories I’ve ever put on AO3 and I’m so glad to see it acknowledged canonically. I just. Ugh. I loved it.

Everything she says is beautiful and perfect and sassy and sometimes angry and it’s just. Good. They let Jill say fuck and she became unstoppable. Also she at least still says the You want S.T.A.R.S. line. It’s way, way, way early, in a scene that makes no sense for it to be in at all. But she says it. And I liked that she said it. I’m easy.

That stupid railgun bullshit at the end?? I was streaming it live and just exclaimed “is this game even real???” because I was just so all about it. We’re all still giggling at “Bitch can’t even swim.”

It’s fun to play as Jill and do sick dodge rolls. I’ve gone through this game four times now, once on each base difficulty and again on Assisted with just the hot-dogger fire knife w/o healing. Sick dodge rolls make the game very easy if you don’t fuck them up. I always fuck them up. But, still. I feel like all the bits are there from RE2 but just better. I intend to go through the game on the other two difficulties. Wish me luck. I am frankly terrified. But I want to do it.

Two of the nemesis fights are just straight up identical though. Which is. Okay. Sure. Whatever.

This game only had two puzzles for reasons I do not understand. The subway puzzle was the hardest of the two. It is the first puzzle in the game. Arguably, it is the only puzzle in the game because it is the only one you have to think about for more than 11 seconds to solve.

When the credits play the new version of Free from Fear I genuinely forget every weird problem I have with this game because it’s just… so good. Once again. I am easy.

This whole thing probably sounds like more complaints than praise for a game I’ve put this much time into, and maybe it is, but it is easier to talk about about something bad about a game than to pinpoint what you liked. And I love to complain as we all know. This is horrible as a remake. It’s great as a follow up to RE2 Remake probably. I think plenty of people already disagree with that. But plenty of people like to just be wrong on the internet.

Speaking of RE2 remake why did Pale Heads return from.. the ghost survivors dlc of all the fucking things. That’s just weird. They were a weird inclusion. Maybe I’m not totally surprised something like that made it over but it’s still… weird. They’re fine as an enemy type. I just ignored them though.

I think that for me it is just enough to have good and fun characters that I enjoy. I just. Like how Jill is written. And honestly, that’s kinda just all I need. It doesn’t really matter to me that this game is something of a horrible amalgamation of vaguely borrowed concepts from the original game. Sure, the RE1 remake is great because it’s mostly completely faithful, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it. Re-imaginings like this can also be good. This one is good. It’s fun.

There are a strange amount of tentacles in this game to the point where I wonder if someone on the dev team just straight up had a fetish. Especially after you get the lockpick. That scene is. Um. Yeah. It’s in the game.

Is that really how I’m going to end this? Talking about the tentacle fetish?

Yeah.

[races-erster]

Who would ‘a thought? (Jack’s sister!reader x bill)

Requested: yep! By @thecaptainsgingersnap

Word Count: 2320

Warnings: I think I swore once or maybe a few times but I’m pretty sure that’s it

A/n: so I changed this around a little bit, but it’s still pretty accurate to the original request. There’s just one extra part at the beginning! I hope you all enjoy! (Also yay! First fic posted in a while, but I’m also a little nervous about that! Idk)

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—

You couldn’t believe it. Your big brother was a traitor. He was so confident in the strike, and now he’s abandoned it for a payoff from Pulitzer.

All of the newsies trudged back from Medda’s, but you had been long gone. As soon as you saw Jack take the money, you ran. You couldn’t handle seeing him any longer and the fear of the other newsies thinking you were also in on the deal didn’t help.

You just kept running as fast as you could to get back to the lodge, but of course, some you weren’t paying attention, you ran into someone.

“Are you alright?” The stranger said, catching you before you could fall from the impact.

You nodded and finally raised your eyes to meet his. He was the most attractive man you had ever seen. He was clearly very wealthy and adorned in a purple suit that you could only imagined was hundreds more than your pay grade.

He looked at you worriedly and said once again, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, I am. Thank you for catching me,” you said carefully, as to not let your heavy accent come through.

“Good. I’m glad. Would you like me to walk you to where you’re going?”

“Oh, you don’t have to, really. I’ll be alright on my own,” you would have gladly let him walk you back, but you had suddenly become ashamed of where you lived due to his obvious stature. You were just glad Katherine had let you borrow one of her dresses so he couldn’t tell.

“It’s no trouble at all! I really would love to walk you. Maybe just to make sure you stay upright while doing so,” he teased.

You couldn’t help but laugh at that. Lord, he wasn’t just attractive, but he was charming as funny as well.

“Well when you put it that way, I guess being walked home couldn’t hurt.”

As the two of you walked, you never ran out of conversation. You learned that his name was bill and that his father worked high up, but didn’t go into specifics. You never really talked about your job, you just told him your first name and mentioned that you had a brother. He didn’t put together that you were Y/n Kelly, which you didn’t mind.

—

Eventually, you got to the corner of Duane Street and you told him it was okay if he dropped you off here.

“I hope to see you again, Y/n,” he said, taking your hand and kissing the back of it.

You were blushing profusely. No guy had ever been such a gentleman toward you. Of course the newsies tried, but they just settled on being their kind, rowdy selves. No one you had encountered had ever been this proper except for maybe Katherine, but that’s different.

“I hope so too, Bill.”

As soon as Bill left, Katherine ran towards you and pulled you all the way back to the lodge. She kept going on and on about some sort of plan she had, but you weren’t listening. You were too busy still thinking about Bill and how incredible he was. After all, it’s not every day you meet someone like him.

—

When you finally got to the lodge, they explained the plan in full. Katherine said that you all were going to have every kid in the city skip work the following day and that you were going to expose the treatment from the Refuge.

Jack eventually came down from his penthouse too, but you ignored him whenever he tried to talk to you. You still couldn’t believe that he would sell all of you out for money. You always knew he wanted to get out of New York, but you never thought he’d go that far to do it.

As you all were leaving to go to Pulitzer’s cellar, and hand grabbed your wrist and pulled you back. You spun around and suddenly you were face to face with a very solemn looking Jack.

“Why are you still here? Don’t you have a train to catch? Or maybe you’re only coming with us to make another goddamn deal?” You accused, glaring daggers at Jack.

He looked shocked at the sudden outburst, but all you did was scoff at the lack of response.

“That’s it. Isn’t it Jackie?” You said, lacing venom into his nickname. “You just want to sell us out again? See if you can pawn off some more money from Pulitzer? Betray your family again? Well listen here Jackie, I-”

You were cut off when Jack pulled you into a bone crushing hug. Reluctantly, you hugged him back, but he could still tell that you had no interest in dealing with him.

“Look Y/n, I didn’t want to do it,” he started and you just rolled your eyes. “I mean it. I had to do it because he threatened all of us. He threatened you. I wasn’t about to have him send my little sister, let alone all of us to the Refuge if I didn’t take the deal. He had Snyder and the Delanceys in there waiting for me. I didn’t have a choice. I may only be a year older than you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s best for us.”

When Jack finished talking, you hugged him back with as much force as he originally had. You felt terrible that you blamed him for what he did when you probably would have done the same thing.

“I’m sorry,” you sobbed into his shoulder. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

Jack was trying to calm you down but nothing was working. He told you to think about something that made you happy, and somehow, your mind drifted back to the events that occurred earlier that night: the way Bill made sure you were okay without worrying about the fact that he was the one run over, the way your hand felt in the crook of his arm while he walked you home, how he was such a gentleman...

Jack shook you from our thoughts when he saw that you had stopped crying. The two of you started to make your way towards Pulitzer’s office and you could already tell that it would be a long night.

—

You both caught up to Katherine after a while. She told you that she invited two of her friends to help print the papers. She grabbed the keys from the pocket of her dress and unlocked all the doors.

You saw two men across the room from the three of you, well now four since Davey arrived. One of the men seemed vaguely familiar, but you elected to ignore it and just chat with Davey about a book he had been reading.

You weren’t sure how long you had been talking to Davey before you heard one of the men from earlier say “and proud to be apart of your revolution,” but you knew that voice.

You turned around quickly and you were met with Bill looking back at you. Jack quickly introduced him as the son of William Randolph Hearst, and you mentally facepalmed.

Of course. Bill just had to be the son of someone you were striking against. Although, he did just say that he was proud to be apart of what you were doing, so maybe there’s hope.

Jack looked confused while you and Bill just stared at one another in shock. Bill started to come towards you and you pulled him to the other side of the room.

“So,” he started. “This was unexpected, Y/n Kelly.”

“That it was Mr. Hearst,” you responded, teasingly.

“I thought that you had looked and that your name sounded familiar, but I never would have guessed this.”

“Me neither,” you said, still just as shocked.

He seemed nothing like his father. You knew he wouldn’t take advantage of kids the way his father did for his business, but you still couldn’t believe that Bill was still there, talking to you, even though he knew who you were.

“Y/n!” Jack called from across the room. “If we’re gonna get this done, we kinda need the guy who does whatever Katherine said he did. So stop hogging him would ya?”

You sent Jack a playful glare in response.

“Well I better get back over there,” Bill said.

“Yeah. I guess so.”

He started to walk away, but you grabbed his arm to get his attention back to you. He just looked confused when you grabbed him though.

“Hey, Bill. Will you do me a favor when you go over there?” You asked and he nodded in response. “Great! When you go over there, will you call Jack “Jackie”? It drives him insane when I do it.”

“Yeah, sure!” Bill said enthusiastically, while laughing.

“Awesome!”

As Bill walked back over to the press, you couldn’t help imagining if Bill would still be in your life after the strike was over.

You turned to talk to Davey again, but then you heard Bill say, “Are you ready to get to work, Jackie?” in his enthusiastic voice.

You let a laugh escape and quickly slapped your hand over your mouth to stifle it. Jack just sent you a playful glare, much like the one you gave him earlier. You also saw him raise an eyebrow at Bill. Bill seemed to shrink away at that, waiting for Jack to say something, but Jack just laughed instead. At that, they got back to work on the paper.

—

You were all waiting in the square for Jack to come back out of Pulitzer’s office. Katherine was to your left, and Bill was at your right. You couldn’t help but be nervous about the outcome. Jack promised that he had it under control, but if it was anything like last time, that was a total lie. Bill could sense your nerves, so he cautiously slipped his hand into your. You gave him a grateful smile and squeezed his hand that was in yours.

“Newsies of New York!” Jack called, gaining everyone’s attention.

Nothing seemed to be wrong, but Jack was good at hiding things. Bill squeezed your hand to help calm you down. Luckily, it helped.

“We won!”

You couldn’t believe it. A bunch of kids with no real home or family but each other had just beat the most powerful men in the city. Without thinking, you turned to your right and gave the person next to you the biggest hug. Only when it was too late, did you realize that person had been Bill.

Thankfully, he was prepared and caught you. Unfortunately though, you were holding on to him for dear life with your legs wrapped around his waist.

“Oh my god,” you muttered. Bill just laughed at you, however.

You got back to standing on your own two feet and before you could apologize, Bill grabbed your waist and spun you around a couple of times. You were both laughing when he finally put you back down for a second time.

You suddenly realized that the square had gotten completely silent. Bill grabbed your hand, also confused with the situation. You felt everyone’s eyes on the two of you, and then you could feel the presence of someone behind you. And well, let’s just say, they were far from happy about what they just watched.

Bill looked like a deer in headlights, so you cautiously turned and were face to face with your big brother.

“Oh...hey there, Jackie…”

“Hey there. Mind telling me what that was?” Jack asked, but you could tell he was trying hard not to let his amusement show through.

“Oh that? Well, that was um… jumping and spinning practice for me, and uh...catching and picking up practice for Bill…”

Jack chuckled at that and then gave Bill the ‘if you break her heart, I’ll break you’ look. As he walked away to dramatically tell everyone he was leaving, you finally let go of the breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“Aren’t you worried that he’s going to leave?” Bill asked.

“Nah. He does this all the time. He’ll get dramatic, say he’s leaving, and pack a bag with his stuff in it. Then he’ll head to Medda’s and she’ll convince him not to leave. After that, he’ll walk back to the lodge, go up to his “penthouse” and he’ll rant about some place called Santa Fe to either me or Crutchie. So, I’m not really worried.”

As you finished your retelling of each time Jack said he was running away, you could hear the sound of a quarter hitting the sales box. You gave Bill an ‘I told you so’ look.

“Aren’t you going to buy your papers?” He asked.

“Not today. I’m not in the mood to sell. Besides, I rather celebrate than work.”

“Well in that case, would you maybe want to get lunch with me and go to a moving picture?” Bill asked, looking hopeful.

“Bill, I’d love to, but I don’t have the money for that sorta thing…”

“I know. That’s why I’m buying. And I don’t want you to try to pay me back either. So, what do you say?”

He offered you his arm smiling brightly, and you accepted. There was no way to say no to that. You waved goodbye to Jack and the rest of the boys, excited for your day out with Bill.

—

Jack saw you walk out with you arm linked with Bill’s and he smiled to himself a little. Seeing you that happy gave him just the same amount of happiness. He felt someone nudge his side, and he saw Katherine standing next to him with a large grin across her face.

“So…Bill and Y/n, huh?” She asked, teasingly.

“Yep. Who would ‘a thought?”

[arofili]

Just curious what your point is then, (in that post about Good Omens rep) that you think the person who replied was missing? Because my own "no, not like that!" about the supposed lgbtq rep in Good Omens is precisely what I think they were getting at too: none of it is truly explicit, and i see no proof of intent in crafting it from Gaiman or anyone else officially creating for the show, and Gaiman himself sees it as just one way to interpret the text.

hey! thanks for being polite :) i may not have been as clear as i thought i was, lol.

from what i’ve seen there’s been no shying away from the “homoerotic” (for lack of a better term) tension between C&A, not from the actors or from neilman? i have seen gifs of tennant and sheen talking about C&A as a couple (i may be misremembering! but that was the impression i got) and neilman’s affirmation of queer interpretations since before the tv show was in the making is proof of intent to me, at least.

(side note: whatever sheen and tennant were acting, i don’t think that in and of itself is makes the rep canon...it’s about as canon as the hobbit fandom seems to think bagginshield is, lmao, which is to say “better than nothing but still not much”)

i’m not super plugged in to twitter, but neilman’s acceptance of everyone’s interpretations to me says: “yes, i am fully aware this reads as very queer; we may not have intended that when writing the book but we knew about it coming into the show and deliberately included it; however it would be inappropriate to claim that we planned this when writing the book and want to remain faithful to that aspect.”

Basically, he is doing the inverse of a JKR: not claiming retconned representation but actively encouraging queer interpretations. that doesn’t mean he’s going to dunk on people who see them as straight (though interpreting them as straight is...Beyond Me) because he’s not, idk, an Asshole,

i think neilman patting himself on the back in his responses to thanks from queer viewers is...egregious, tbh. but the backlash i’m seeing, claiming C&A as queerbaiting and neilman as homophobic, is fucking Always in response to him endorsing an a-spectrum reading of C&A’s relationship. some folks just Dont Want Aces And Aros To Have Nice Things!

looking at their relationship, i cannot say it is anything other than queer. the specifics of that queerness are left up to interpretation, but it is so fucking queer. and yes! explicit queer rep is good and important! but queer vagueness can be good representation too. that’s what i think this is, queer vagueness, not queerbaiting.

i find comfort in vague queerness, and queercoding too to some extent. as an aromantic asexual nonbinary person, the odds of me getting something to represent me in all those areas is Extremely Unlikely, so instead i cling to “vague” representation and implications.

it’s rare that i see queer vagueness done intentionally like it is in Good Omens; usually i end up projecting onto characters like Legolas or Luke Skywalker &etc that are also easily interpreted as gay but not written that way on purpose. (which is another tangential subject i have a Lot of opinions on, but let’s stay in our lane why don’t we)

i think we’ve focused so much on explicit queer rep (which again! is a good thing!) that we ignored characters and relationships that fall into gray spaces that are still very much nonnormative. those are good too, those are wide-reaching and provide ground for transformative works, those are also wonderful places for questioning people to experiment.

representation shouldn’t be one-size-fits-all. we should have lots of options. i see now, after writing this mini essay, that i jumped into that post with the idea that it was obvious that there’s more to representation than labels, but it isn’t obvious, and i hope my explanation makes sense.

also: there is ample canon evidence (within the book) for queerness on the part of C&A. aziraphale intentionally presents in a way that aligns himself with the gay community; angels and demons don’t have sex or gender unless they are really trying; the lack of sexual feelings is apparent and imo if you’re going to interpret their relationship as romantic (which is cool, even if it’s not my personal headcanon) you have to acknowledge that this is the only time either of them have had this experience (making them arospec)

ignoring all those things and getting mad about them not kissing is reductive of the queer experience. not every kind of queer is gay. nonbinary, ace, and arospec representation is queer representation. and there is more to any queer identity than just kissing; queer is identity and rebellion and community and self-expression and refusing to fit into the norm, all things that both crowley and aziraphale represent and embody. that in itself is (vague) queer representation, outside of their relationship.

i’ve written too many words and need to focus on the actual essay i have to turn in for class tomorrow, but i hope this makes sense!

[thegooddoctorheadcanonsarchive]

‘Sup

Alright, so. I guess this post has been a long time coming, and I’ll try to keep it as succinct as I can. But with the constant messages in my inbox and the comments on my fics (Do No Harm in particular) I’m just gonna put this here.

From the moment The Good Doctor came out, I was in love with it. I loved its message, its story, its characters. And for a long time it was amazing. I found my inspiration to write again, you all seemed to like my work, people were even recognizing me and asking for me. The second half of season one, when it came back...it wasn’t as great, but it was okay still. I just figured I had to wait for it to get out of its dry spell.

But that dry spell’s still going on.

The Good Doctor's potential is being wasted. Because the writing is so bad. Not even from a personal, opinionated viewpoint, like “Oh, I don’t like how Jared had to leave, I miss him and the show’s not the same.” No, that’s not it. From the technical, fundamental viewpoint of writing, it’s bad. As I see it; you may not agree and that’s fine (I am not going to argue with anyone on this post). This is just me explaining myself and my absence from the fandom as of late.

The show...is not a show. It is episodes. Separate and disconnected, there is no flow from one to another, no overreaching plotlines (save for the one about Glassman’s cancer that is so often added more as an afterthought and somehow has little to do with Shaun) no motifs no lessons no building. You tune in for one episode (maybe the plot stretches to two if you’re lucky), you watch it, and then afterwards...that’s it. A plot/plot point wasn’t wrapped up or explained in that timeslot? Sucks, fill in the blanks yourself. (Ex: Claire’s ‘determination’ to bring Coyle to justice that was immediately dropped. Shaun leaving out tuna for the cat trying to draw it in, only to never see it again. Lim’s ticket nobody cared about in the first place; we didn’t even see where that out-of-place plot went. What happened to that lawyer guy? Andrew’s wife? She’s not important anymore, you don’t need to find out what happens even though we spent so long detailing the issue to you. Jared and the patient that liked him? What patient that liked him?)

We are expected as an audience just to...accept things in passing without question, which is not what we should have to do. Stories should be shown and explained. Not shoved in our face so quickly all we can do is accept it, or stories so vague they don’t answer any of our questions so we just stop asking. (Ex: Lea’s back from Hershey. We’ll tease you with explaining why she left and why it was such a big deal even though she was only gone for about a handful of episodes before we just brought her back suddenly, but that’s all you get. Kenny’s in jail. Yeah, he stole somethin’ or idk. Jessica’s gone. Don’t ask why, she’s not important. Heck, even Glassman being fired and Shaun being let off the hook and Andrews being made president...just glossed over. Told to us through narration mostly.)

It’s as if they don’t trust that they have enough time to properly build and structure a naturally-developing plot that makes sense, so they try to shoehorn it all into one compact episode and think we’ll still be as invested...which doesn’t work. (Ex: Melendez and Lim should have slept together more than just the once. They should have been sleeping together for some time, we should have seen them slowly round the corner into “Maybe it’s more than just sex” we should have gotten to actually associate and care about them as a couple, and then, episodes later, the quarantine should have happened, which would make the plotline so much more palpable and actually interesting...not to mention logical. Same with Tyler and Morgan. You cannot expect the audience to be attached to a person we met fifteen minutes ago and be sad when they die. Literally, we were smacked going into the finale with: “Oh yeah, by the way, these two couples are a thing, care about them.” ...No, I didn’t care. At all. I was bored. Because I didn’t even actually know that guy’s name until after he died, that was how sudden and odd his character was. There should have been build-up with that too. Even if it was just a couple flirting scenes over episodes!!! Like, it’s not hard!!!) Literally, if you told me the writers had no idea where they were going with the story, and they were writing blind and just seeing where it went episode by episode, I would believe you one hundred percent. Because it just seems unplanned. Worse than unplanned! I never know what’s going to happen in any of my fics when I start them, but I never actually show that...even I can do a better job of planning and connecting...and I don’t.

ALSO IMPORTANT: Not taking the time to build to those things specifically (couples that suddenly have to watch the other part of them die/be in danger and other situations like that) is one thing and one thing only: it is a cheap way to get the audience to be upset. It’s cheap. And that’s what the show is now. All its heart-string tugs, they’re too sudden or awkward, because the writers don’t want to show the growth and the layering to it, they just want you to be sad or ‘interested’ and that’s it.)

The characters we’ve grown to know and love (the ones that are still around...) are not the same. They are different people, and it’s sad to watch them act directly against the traits we’ve come associate with them. (Ex: Claire ‘apologizing’ to Melendez, and being proud that she is willingly making herself look like the one in the wrong just to save his ego. Claire would never do that. She is strong-willed and independent, and she has worked too hard to step down for anyone, especially a man. Glassman and Shaun told each other they loved each other at the end of season one. A moment that made us all scream, a moment that was actually built up to for once, a moment that we were waiting for, that was so important to both of them...and a moment that was immediately forgotten. Throughout season two, Shaun has been significantly detached from Glassman and his treatment for someone that was so distraught before. There have been a couple cute/supportive moments...but only a couple. For a large majority, they’ve ignored one another. Glassman giving up so easily, knowing that Shaun is trapped with a virus and not even calling anyone to ask how he is???? Nope. #NotMyGlassman. Lim yelling at Claire in season one for not supporting her as women in power that need to stick together and show one another respect, only to immediately snap and scream at the judge during her trial in season two, and stroking Melendez’s ego as well.)

Plotlines and conflicts. They are overly dramatic and don’t make sense when you step back and look at them, not to mention there are so many infuriating double standards just to make an issue. (Ex: It’s such an issue Shaun cannot express empathy, but when Park talks down to a patient for having weight loss surgery and outs him to his husband, and when Morgan is...Morgan 24/7, there’s no issue at all. Obviously Shaun is the only one in the wrong. Just like he was the only one in the wrong for Lea demanding forgiveness and calling him a jackass, even though she’s never been shown to be that high-strung especially to Shaun. He’s wrong there, too, nobody else. For reasons entirely unrelated to what you’re thinking about, yessir. These are direct plotlines just colliding with each other because the writers cannot keep track of them.)

Look...there are just so many more things I could go on to say. But this post is getting too long. I don’t want to leave the fandom altogether; some part of me still hopes the writing will pull through and the show will get back to the way it was. So I’ll keep watching and waiting for that. But for now, that is why I can’t bring myself to write headcanons or fics or anything like that, and why it just pains me when people ask me to. The show isn’t as investing, as emotional, as meaningful. It’s degraded, and I can’t be happy with it right now. Or write for it. 

There are other shows that had better writing, had better truer-to-themselves characters, kept the feeling it had from the pilot straight to its final episode, had overreaching/steady/connecting plotlines, was detailed to the very core, kept in mind everything it stood for, but have been unfairly forgotten, and I miss. And I miss The Good Doctor too, but not for the same reason. I miss The Good Doctor because ever since last winter finale, it’s gone downhill and it’s still going downhill. And it kind of pains me to see the difference between those.

Not gonna delete this blog, I’ll still be here the way I have been popping in every so often...but just for the people that ask where I am/comment on DNH/message me and ask why I’m not writing. This is why. Just made a post for them. 

[kvothe-kingkiller]

wtf is Nephelai

aight so if you’ve been following me for a bit you probably have Noticed me posting about the Thing I am writing which is called Nephelai.

so I thought I’d give a lil primer on it just for uhhh fun? I guess?

anyways. if you want it in a sentence its ‘gays out-science the competition’

if you want a little bit More info than that 4-5 word (depending on ur opinions on hyphens) blurb, here u go. I will put her under the cut so it does not clutter up the dashes of anyone who isn’t into this kinda thing. I am shit at brevity so this in itself is kinda long.

Just as far as vague genre/feeling stuff goes, it’s a sci fi and it kinda combines adventure with slice of life? Idk man. Its very much character based and a lot of it is dialogue. If you’re looking for pretty, poetic writing you’re not gonna find it here, I tend to just get to the point lol. It deals with some pretty heavy/dark stuff but I will tell you upfront that the ending is happy. There’s too many dark edgy books that end sad. Plus we don’t have enough gay stories that end well. It’s also quite R rated, though more in the violence/sweary way than the sexy way. 

Given that it does deal with some Rough Shit (child abuse, racism, depression, etc.) I have a list of all the chapters and their possible triggers here. (its at the bottom of the post)  I just put in general things but if you have a specific/more obscure trigger I would be happy to inform you if/where it shows up.

Also, just so you know, this fucker is Long. its at 180+K and I still haven’t gotten all the chapters out yet. As well as that, this is essentially a first draft. I know its slow to start and choppy in some places but currently Im just trying to get it out, and uploading the chapters as I go gives me incentive to do that, cause otherwise I’d never even get the first draft done. Basically I write a chapter, check for spelling and grammar mistakes, miss most of them because grammar is my kryptonite, then upload it. I will be editing it a Lot in the future. 

anyways.

Setting

The story is set in our universe in The Future. How far in the future? don’t ask because I don’t know. I don’t want a 2001 space odyssey situation. A lot of the technological advancements would take wildly different times to achieve so I don’t want to put a number on it especially because we are very bad at predicting how fast things will advance. It is at Least 150 years I’d say.

Humans have moved on from earth and colonized new planets. They’re still on earth, it’s just that they’re also in other places. Namely Mars and proxima centauri B which has been renamed Salus to keep up with the whole roman god thing (she’s the goddess of safety). Both planets have colonies from multiple different countries. Not all countries, I mean lets be real lichtenstein isn’t colonizing mars anytime soon. The two american colonies on both planets are Lincoln (Mars) and Roosevelt (Salus). The way that people travel between these planets which are v far away is through electromagnetic radiation powered engines and the use of man made wormholes. Let’s ignore relativity and pretend that when you get close to the speed of light your timeline Doesn’t slow down because I don’t want to deal with that.

However, those planets are not where most of the book takes place. The main planet they are on is Nephelai (shocker I know.) It is a planet with a small research colony on it. Before the colony was put in place, it was a barren planet with some water that was in the zone for life, and just didn’t have any. They terraformed the fuck out of it so the atmosphere is the same as earths then installed a Beyersdorf around it. A beyersdorf is basically a time machine. Anything inside it will have it’s timeline sped up. Uses some black hole jiggery pokery I don’t want to explain because it would be... impossible. Anyways, they placed some organic molecules on it and sped it up until life evolved then slowed it back down to normal time to go in and observe. It has tall mountains and a surface that is so hot that water boils. So all of the life lives up in the clouds around the peaks. Most of it is adapted for life in the air. Such as: giant borzois with wings and living blimps that are basically guppies. Its very cold and people have to have specialized gear to go outside.

Plot

I don’t want to go too much into the plot because... thats why you Read books, but I’ll give my best summary. Basically the main character, Nadia, is getting her masters in evolutionary biology and has to do a year long research project. She goes with her professor, Brenley, to Nephelai to do the project. While there, the planet is invaded by uhhhh neo nazis (whoops) and they basically create a hostage situation that is very hard to get out of in order to get the third main, Krupin, a celebrity trash man, to work for them and make some very dangerous biological weapons that his company’s products would be able to produce. Obviously they don’t want this to happen so they have to come up with a plan to escape. However a lot of what happens is more based around the emotional toll it takes to be trapped for so long with no contact to the outside world and the uncertainty of whether they’re gonna make it out or not.

Characters

Alright so now the characters. As I said, this is very much character based. So its more about their interactions than anything else really. Again, lotta dialogue.

Nadia Waters

She is as said before, the main character. A 23 year old dork who is a complete nerd (they all are). She is bi and also a bit of a disaster, naturally. Quite smart but doesn’t think she is, very loyal to the friends she has, and can be a bit shy at first. She is also stupidly brave to the point where its a problem. Her need for adrenaline is Real and she does very stupid things to get it. She describes herself at one point as “just a grad student with a very poor sense of self preservation.” While she doesn’t go looking for fights she will definitely stand up for herself and others and throw down against people who could very easily kill her.

Elias Brenley

Nadia’s professor, also a dork, also a nerd. A lanky french weirdo with an obsession for physics and a love for 80s music. Very spontaneous and doesn’t give a shit about embarrassing himself. He has aspergers and even though he is very smart and can do some savant-like tricks, that isn’t the only aspect of his personality (what a novel idea...) He Also isn’t just a ‘robot’, he cares a lot about others, especially those who don’t mind his quirks. Also I took the expected subplot of ‘male professor gets with female student’ and threw it in the garbage where it belongs cause he’s gay as hell. He and Nadia do become very close but it is 100% platonic

Feliks Krupin

Also a nerd, also gay (seeing a pattern?). He is pretty much a public figure as he owns one of the biggest biotech companies out there, Vozmet. Kinda like if you took elon musk and removed the asshole-ness. Annoyingly perfect in every way, charming, pretty, v smart, all those. Struggles with a good amount of mental stuff that most of the world doesn’t know about and came from a pretty shitty background. Him and Brenley have some History though at the beginning of the story they haven’t seen each other in 9 years. Tends to be noble to a fault and will sacrifice himself for basically anyone. 

Some other characters who aren’t the main three:

Kristina: The president of Vozmet to Krupin’s CEO and his best friend. About five foot nothing and has the appropriate amount of concentrated rage. She’s not mean, she just doesn’t let anyone push her around and knows how to get what she wants. 

Heidi: One of the only sane ones. Was determined by others to be the leader of the hostages so to speak and has Way too much on her plate. Is often the one voice of sanity or the one to actually get the others to stay on task

James: Drinks that respect women juice all day every day. Very nice. Doesn’t deserve this situation. Has a bit of a thing for Nadia.

Scott: Is the other only sane one along with Heidi. The doctor of the group who almost acts as a father figure to all of them even though he’s not That much older than some of them.

Saoirse: Dumb irish lesbian. ‘Nuff said. 

Links

so if you like the sound of any of that you can find it on 

fictionpress: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

or AO3 here

if u took the time to read this massive post, and/or read some, I luv u. *mwah*

[fanfictionlive]

I'm not sure what I want to write anymore

(warning: this is pretty much just ranting at myself, idk ignore this it's nonsense!)

I'm feeling sick and I'm tried. I have so many ideas in my mind and so many fandoms/characters that I want to write about, but I just... don't know what to start? where to start? How to start? I'm not even sure why I want to write because I feel like I'm just forcing myself even though I really want to write because I love fanfiction but this is just getting me nowhere and... am I even making sense?

Heck, it was so much easier when I was naïve and young. But now I'm old and dumb. At this point, I don't even want to write something long anymore, a simple 500k long single-shot would be damn fantastic but it seems like I'm having some sort of OCD in writing because I couldn't stop myself from editing the damn some sentence or paragraph over and over. It doesn't help much that English isn't my first language and, well, I bet some of you could tell already that I'm not good at expressing my thoughts well. (Uh, I've been acting all extra and vague, right? Damn!)

Okay, okay... let me word this again: I've got lots of problems. Said problems are more about me as person than my writing skills... not that my writing skills are anything great, either, (no thanks to you, English!). Like, for example, I lose interest and get distracted very easily, so it's difficult for me to keep focusing on one task or writing one fic. Every time I write a sentence or paragraph, I try to make it sounds as perfect as possible which is near impossible considering my not-that-special English, and sometimes I come back to edit things before completing half the chapter. I'm also a super extra writer; I always add words and phrases and expressions (subconsciously, I guess) and then of course I find myself either utterly lost or shamelessly creating a freaking mess. I'm jealous of y'all who can write something simple and call it a day. Anyways, all of these above and much more made me confused and now I'm not sure what I want to write anymore (hey, this sounds like a cool title, gotta use it!)

Ugh, I'm not even sure what's the point of posting this. I'm well-aware of my problems. I'm more than aware of how to solve them. And I am stupid. It feels like I'm looking for something that I lowkey know but don't at the same time. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, I used to write lots of stories in my mother language some years ago, I remember having the some problems above but I guess it's different when you write by a language you're super familiar with. Back then, everyone said I'm a cool and talented writer. I think they were just acting nice.

And here I go again, this gets longer than I wanted. See, I'm just a damn extra noob. (but why I can't write this fluently with my fics, no fair!)

So... yeah, I don't know, I'm really frustrated and disappointed in myself. I guess I just wanted so hard to vent somewhere. Sorry. (I will delete this later anyway).

Now I need to eat, and sleep, and try again another day. I know, I really need to change myself as well. I'm not expecting anyone to read all of this or even care to say something, but you all are so welcome!

submitted by /u/Friendshipper11 [link] [comments] from FanFiction: Where Magical Ponies battle Imperial Titans https://ift.tt/2yaMZyi

[ghostofasecretary]

so the pain feelings are probably the easiest and most grounded, let’s have those first 

it really, really annoys me that i have chronic pain. i mean, yes, chronic pain is annoying, but i am annoyed at the specifics of my chronic pain because fibromyalgia is a...complicated diagnosis at best, one i am not sure really exists at worst, and one i would rather throw myself into a fire than get slapped with again.

(possibly do not read this if you are diagnosed with fibro, i think your pain exists and effects your life but i don’t quite think mine is and have Feelings about fibro as a diagnosis that i can’t assess and in this post i make some statements that may be distressing. if you’re sensitive to people dismissing pain, even if it’s their own pain, uh, maybe just skip this one)

i think the pain of other people i real and my own is not, sometimes, which is really stupid and i don’t agree with it, but there the thought is, being a thought.

legitimate vs illegitimate pain is one that is often framed through the lens of sexism and while that is probably reasonable, it also makes me curl into a little ball of dysphoria. i don’t want to think i was effected by sexism while i ran the medical gauntlet, and even if i was i don’t...ugh. sorry. no. i don’t want to.

fibro is basically the diagnosis for “we don’t know what’s wrong with you and you’re probably crazy and/or whiny and/or Don’t Real.” i’m not even sure it’s better than no diagnosis. also i am crazy, it’s on my chart, i don’t...i don’t want another thing that makes me more likely to be dismissed.

in my junior year of high school (well, from August to...April? stuff tapered off around the end of February) i had headaches that ranged from irritating to extremely distracting and mildly painful every single day. i say “mildly“ painful because i have had several severe migraines in my life, and while the aggregate suffering of daily aura and varying forms of pain in my temples may have been equal to the multiple days where i would have to be lying down in a dark room that was quiet as we could possibly make it, but even that didn’t quite help because my heartbeat was too loud, the daily experience was...not that bad. i also had some other symptoms that sucked!

these may have made the aggregate That Bad, idk. i was also pretty suicidal at this point, which kind of clouds my memories.

i was really nauseous pretty much constantly. i had aura pretty much constantly. i got diagnosed with chronic daily migraines, although they were atypical.

my hips and knees hurt a lot. my back hurt, my neck hurt, my shoulders hurt. sometimes i didn’t feel like i could walk well at all and i limped. i sat down often. my hands hurt and writing got painful for the first time. i was very tired.

i did some really stressful things in junior year that were made a lot worse by having headaches constantly and being tired and in miscellaneous pain and feeling like i was going to throw up. i had a really bad night one time where everything in my body was pounding and i ached and cramped and felt like i was on fire and also had a migraine i would class as a Real Migraine, complete with high-key pain and horribly present nausea and blackouts and floating dots. it was really hard.

i had a bunch of tests done re: headaches, including an EEG and an MRI. i asked for a full panel of bloodwork because i did not know what was happening and whether there was a cause. (fibro does not have a known cause, although it is sometimes speculated to be “stress” or “mental illness.” thanks, medicine.) there was no detectable underlying cause, but i did get some helpful medication after a lot of trial and error and several months of waiting. by several months i mean about half a year, but, well. what can you do.

(also, i had SO MUCH ANXIETY about diagnosis and i both was terrified of having RA or lupus or cancer or something identifiable and i desperately wanted something fixable. i also had FUN FUN FUN ANXIETY about being a Bad Patient, about whether asking for bloodwork and being upset over not having an underlying cause made me look like a hypochondriac, about whether the fact that i didn’t exercise as much meant i was Destroying My Health even though exercise hurt like a motherfucker and made every part of daily life difficult, etc, etc)

senior year was much less bad, pain wise.

headache meds really helped my other symptoms! yay! it’s also possible i developed a better pain tolerance*? i did have noticeable and distracting pain while typing during senior year but a carpal tunnel diagnosis is not terribly useful and trying to get diagnosed and not getting anything would probably have crushed me.

going to a chiropractor was moderately helpful but also painful, so...eh?

exercise was really, really not. it’s supposed to be, although the studies used to support that are kind of sketchy, but it was not helpful. it might be helpful now but i would not bet on it.

(one time in junior year i tried to stand up and pace around for an hour, to see if i could do it. i wound up having to lie down in bed for four hours. lying down because of Pain sucks and it feels so stupid and shitty and boring, and i knew i probably shouldn’t have stood for that long while it was so uncomfortable but i wanted to see if i could. i could, barely, but it was not worth it. and it’s so stupid, i feel so petty, i stand up for seven hours every day now and i don’t hurt that much, why did i...? surely it couldn’t have been that bad, surely i was making it up.)

sleeping more did help a little.

* i don’t feel like i developed a better pain tolerance but it might be worth noting two things.

one, after a while i got incredibly fed up with noticing my pain and all the stuff on the net about fibro being psychosomatic and not having any reason to feel bad aside from my headaches which also didn’t have a Real ReasonTM, i decided to ignore pain. pain? what’s that? i don’t have that. banging my elbow makes me ache for days? lol, no it doesn’t. it...i mean, i think it helped. not thinking about my pain All The Time defnitely helped, although the Denial might be less than great.

two, even though i really do feel like i have a shit pain tolerance my feet were literally bleeding because of my shoes in DC and i did not take any action about this until K and R told me to. it hurt, but not, like, a lot.

possibly i have a better pain tolerance.

...

anyway. recently during my work as a barista, my hands and wrists and forearms have been quite annoying. my wrists keep sparking when i pick up milk cartons or shake whip cream and i have to do those things many times during the course of a day. it hurts to close my hands and they’re usually very stiff but probably not clinically stiff. my tendons seem...unhappy...but fuck if i know. i sleep in wrists braces every night and have for years, i ice my hands and wrists at least once a week, typing is still hella painful and i don’t draw or sew very much anymore and i cannot shake the conviction that there is Nothing To Be Done and also that i am feeling my nerves dying every day. which. uh. not great.

(and also - my ankles hurt all the time, i stand up for seven hours a day, what do you expect? my back hurts, so what, everyone’s back hurts. sometimes my knee wrenches but idk, man, it does that.)

i can’t tell what’s a reasonable, measured reaction, what’s abject denial, and what’s overwhelming anxiety and desperation to have anything that isn’t The Fake Special Snowflake Disease For Special Snowflake People.

according to the Mayo Clinic, “See your doctor if you have persistent signs and symptoms suggestive of carpal tunnel syndrome that interfere with your normal activities and sleep patterns. Permanent nerve and muscle damage can occur without treatment.” uhhhhhhhh

tingling and numbness have occurred for the past two and a half years, although they’ve gotten much worse recently. i haven’t been woken up because of it, but, like. if i woke up every time i was in pain i would be awake a lot. weakness hasn’t really happened yet. pain is, y’know, kind of a thing.

i’m vaguely worried that i could have more things ala tendinitis but no way am i going to think about that too hard.

options:

continue ignoring everything. this one looks very stupid but i am tempted. if i think i need carpal release surgery i could try to get it then, otherwise i’m pretty much doing okay on prevention and am doing decently at ergonomic support. if i get told to ice my wrists or something i will scream

go to a doctor. a diagnosis would probably make me feel better but also what if i don’t get one, and there isn’t much to be done anyway unless i need surgery which i do not think i do. if i have tendinitis i might get a steroid shot, but really, i don’t think i do? i don’t want to think about it, i am so tired of thinking about my shit body, i don’t want to

go to the chiropractor. this looks like a nice middle balance and i could ask about carpal tunnel in a less serious environment and it might help, but uggggh, why can’t i just...continue ignoring everything. “permanent nerve and muscle damage” sounds serious but not being able to stand without being in a fuckload of pain sounded serious to me in junior year and here we are, with awesome headache meds and a dubiously effective pain tolerance.

at what point does pain interfere with my life? when i notice it? when i start dropping things? when i can’t hold a pencil? idk, man. i d fucking k

oh, yeah, and another thing, my headaches have been..sort of a thing lately. at this point i’m going to have to get a freakin anti-headache earring like it’s a sigil to ward off a demon and/or i will have to get botox shots every three months like a soccer mom desperately sneaking in to the doctor’s office to make herself feel just a tiny bit better about her miserable life and wrinkles, because obviously a 40 year old showing signs of age is A Sin Against Beauty And An Affront To Nature

(note the increasingly bitter and jaded tone of this post. do i sound hysterical yet)

pain is very stupid and i am SO ANNOYED

....probably i should schedule a chiropractor appointment. i shall pester my mom about that now

[talysalankil]

@psylenco replied to your post: @psylenco replied to your post: ...

Okay so this person left me a massive response and now I’m actually frustrated as happens every time I dare raise criticism against a tumblr darling so let’s go.

Sunny gets kidnapped because she’s an infant. Olaf can easily just hold a knife to their throats but that’s just boring.

I’m not saying Olaf has to put a knife to their throat, just that reusing the same solution twice in as many stories is…lazy. Like, purely from a storytelling standpoint, it’s lazy. It makes you look creatively bankrupt at the second story out of the four in this season, which is…a bad look.

Also, “because she’s an infant”? She’s apparently as intelligent as her siblings if not more (her subtitles literally have her speaking Italian, and of course she beats a guy at poker even though she didn’t even know how to play) and has what can only be described as superhuman strength in her jaws (which also means this piece of tape would probably not muzzle her very efficiently; there’s a reason real-life muzzles surround the entire jaw rather than being focused at the point where lever effect would make Sunny’s jaw the most effective).

So she’s an infant when the plot demands for her to be helpless, but she also isn’t when necessary? Good job with the consistency.

Also if everyone is a bad guy, it wouldn’t make sense. The issues with morality are called a “conflict”. Any writer knows that a conflict is good for stories.

Um…what? You’re right, conflict is good for stories. But I have no idea what you’re talking about with “issues of morality”. Do you mean the fact that most of the characters aren’t good or evil? Because that has nothing to do with conflict…at all.

But since you brought it up, conflict requires agency to be meaningful. So far, in the show, the only person who’s expressed any agency is, ironically, Count Olaf. Literally everyone else is reacting to his actions. That does not make for a compelling story.

Conflict generally arises from the protagonists’ wants and needs conflicting with each other and with the antagonist’s opposition. Here, the Baudelaires don’t want for anything (in the sense that they have no goal set out in front of them). They have situations to escape, but that is not the same in terms of analyzing a story.

It’s not like you couldn’t give the Baudelaires something to want that revolves around escaping abuse. That’s…basically what every Cinderella story does with their protagonists. But this story doesn’t provide us with that. The kids have no goal to work towards. That makes for poor protagonists, and therefore, a poor story.

And it’s very hypocritical to say the children are whining babies when you are doing the same about the plot. They’re A. Children, B. Chased by a murderer/ possible pedophile C. Lost their parents and home. D. No one listens to them. So excuse them if they seem to cry a bit.

Me saying I am frustrated with the show = children not doing anything when put in a situation that they are fully aware they should escape? Um…what?

I have no problem with them crying/grieving. I have an issue with them not doing anything. For a show that you claimed is about self reliance, they sure don’t do a lot of that. I mean, seriously. "The Bad Beginning” is resolved by appealing to an authority figure anyway and swaying her to their side after she’d been fooled by Olaf, how is this self-reliance?

[Side-note: I should point out the glaring ignorance of basic “show don’t tell” with Klaus’s speech, but I realize that’s an intentional quirk and use of tone so I’ll let it slide. That said, it does mean the protagonists’ biggest action in that climax happens more or less off-screen while Lemony Snicket narrates to us. I’m just saying. It doesn’t help with the kids’ lack of agency.]

Speaking of the grieving…they don’t do a whole lot of that either, actually. They are vaguely miserable, but as far as crying or…well, expressing any kind of emotional pain, there’s not much of that anyway. What there’s a lot of is apathy. Which I guess could be part of the grieving process, but again, doesn’t make for very relatable characters or work for a story that’s supposedly about self-reliance.

And no, not everyone is bad, youre just missing the point. Poe and Monty are willfully ignorant. Justice Strauss was blinded by her dreams.

I didn’t say they were all bad. Although…they kind of are. It’s the banality of evil—look it up.

Which, incidentally, would make for an interesting theme…if it wasn’t pushed to the extreme that it is here. Take for instance Olaf’s first lie to Poe: telling him that “closest living relative” means closest in proximity. Doesn’t Poe do this on a regular basis? Or have some common sense? Hell, even if I were to accept Poe is fooled by that definition (which is hard to believe when the person trying to play with words can’t use words himself), Olaf doesn’t even provide evidence that he’s related to the children or that there are no relatives living closer that he does.

See, the banality of evil requires a competent villain to work. The whole point of that concept is that people’s apathy in the face of evil allows it to prosper. But that does require a competent villain, which Olaf…isn’t. Also it’s a pretty tough and complicated subject in general, so you want your non-evil characters to be…regular humans with regular human brains.

Gustav and Jacqueline who?

Idk I should ask you that, I’ve barely seen either of them and considering Jacqueline got trapped even though she clearly knows what’s going on she’s not striking me as any more intelligent or competent than the rest of the case. And Gustav…I don’t even remember what happened to him. So eh. Whatever you say.

Sorry for the long posts but it doesnt make sense to criticize a miserable (But not bad) story if the narrator himself says its a miserable story. And sure, forget the kidnapped parents i guess cause the misery just gets worse.

You’re missing the point of my criticism though? I’m not criticizing the story for being miserable, I’m saying the execution of the story to make it miserable is lazy and requires everyone in it to be unbearably stupid. The concept is a good one, the execution is shoddy.

Of course, that is all opinion even if I’m using facts to justify my opinion and you’re still free to like it. 

As for the kidnapped parents, yeah I know they’re out there but it’s like…a subplot. If the main plot makes me angry watching it I’m not sticking around for the subplot, with or without cobie smulders. Sorry.

anyway sorry if I missed things I typed this in 5 minutes bc I had to leave.

[overlordofthelollipopguild]

Broken Souls Mend Hearts - Chapter 83

I actually posted it on fanfiction.net a while back and I was going to post it on the BSMH blog, but it will take too long to catch up on the blog. 

So I hope you guys enjoy. I will also try to post on AO3 within the next months or weeks. Idk, lol.

Link to ff.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9905481/86/Broken-Souls-Mend-Hearts

Chapter 83: Not A Merry Christmas

They were being watched, Mulan could feel it. She paused, listening for any odd sounds, while Aurora, none the wiser to Mulan’s stopping, continued walking through the forest.

The ground was covered in snow, but Aurora had insisted on scouting out a spot for a new village for the refugees, and Mulan hadn’t wanted her to go alone. If they were being watched, and Mulan wasn’t just imagining it, then she was right not to let the princess travel out here on her own. There was a Wicked Witch around after all, not that they’d ever seen any sign of her.

“Mulan?” Aurora stopped, now a good distance away from Mulan. “What’s wrong?”

Mulan looked around at the too quiet trees. “Nothing. I thought…"

“What?” Aurora asked.

The flutter of wings had Mulan drawing her sword, only to see a pair of redwings flying off.

Aurora chuckled from behind her. “I’m certain those redwings were going to attack. They were quite fierce looking.”

Mulan glanced over her shoulder, giving Aurora a wry look, even as her heart skipped a beat at the sight of Aurora’s smile. She turned away to sheath her sword and catch her breath. Why did Aurora always make her feel so off balance? Why did her stomach flutter at the sight of Aurora? Mulan shook her head lightly. Of course, she knew why, but there was no way that she could acknowledge what she felt for Aurora. Aurora was a princess, one who had not so long ago had and lost True Love.

Mulan could see that these past months of grieving for Phillip and being pregnant in a dangerous Enchanted Forest had worn on Aurora. Though Aurora was happy to have Diana, and happy to help anyone that she could, Mulan noticed how tired she was and she had heard Aurora cry enough for one lifetime.

The hair on the back of her neck prickled. They were still being watched. Mulan had let herself get distracted too much; she needed to get Aurora back to safety. “I think that it’s best that we return to the castle now.”

“We still haven’t found a spot to start…” Aurora began, but another flap of wings cut her off.

A flying monkey shot out of the trees towards the princess.

“Aurora!” Mulan shouted, running towards the princess.

Aurora ducked in time to avoid the swipe of the monkey’s claw.

As the monkey swung back around, Mulan reached Aurora, swinging her sword at the monkey, cutting it’s side.

The monkey let out an anguished shriek and swiped at them, forcing Mulan to drop her sword and push Aurora to the ground. The monkey hissed at them, favoring it’s side where Mulan cut it, before flying off.

Mulan watched the monkey’s movements, and once she determined that it wasn’t coming back, she turned her head towards Aurora, startled to find her face so close. That was when Mulan realized that their bodies were flushed against each other.

Aurora stared up at her with wide eyes and flushed cheeks.

As Mulan swallowed the lump in her throat, she vaguely thought that she should get off of Aurora. However, she couldn’t stop staring into Aurora’s eyes. Had they always been so blue?

Aurora’s breathing was shallow, from Mulan pressing down on her or from the attack, she didn’t know for certain, but she did know that she was going to do something very stupid if Mulan didn’t get off of her. Still, Aurora couldn’t stop her eyes from flicking to Mulan’s mouth.

When Mulan realized Aurora was staring at her mouth with heat in her blue eyes, she finally pushed herself off of the princess, clearing her throat. “Are you hurt?”

Aurora sat up next to Mulan. “I’m fine. You?”

“Fine.” Mulan stood up and held a hand out to help Aurora up. It took a lot of self control not to pull Aurora in for a kiss. “We really should head back now.”

Aurora nodded.

Mulan led the way, trying to convince herself that she imagined what happened between them, and berating herself for ever getting into such a compromising position.

The princess, for her part, was trying to ignore the disappointment she felt when Mulan didn’t kiss her. She didn’t have feelings for Mulan; she couldn’t have feelings for her, so there was no way she could be disappointed that there was no kiss, right?

His hideaway was no longer a secret, he mused as Tink came and stood next to him.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding every day.” Tink looked out at the view of the castle grounds.

“Not every day.” Blackbeard said.

“Maybe not, but it’s a place to hide out when you’re avoiding me and Killian.” Tink huffed.

“Isn’t it only avoiding if the person you’re avoiding is aware of it?” Blackbeard asked. “Because I’m certain that Killian couldn’t care less what I’m up to, let alone be aware of my avoidance.”

“Well I'm certainly aware of it!” Tink gave him a quelling look.

Blackbeard cowed slightly. “I am sorry.” He said sincerely.

Tink’s expression softened. “I’ll forgive you.” She told him. “I just have one condition.”

He had a feeling that whatever her condition was, that he was not going to like it. Bracing himself, he nodded at her to continue. “What is it?”

Tink took a steadying breath. “Killian plans to leave the castle. He’s going to search for a portal back to Emma and Henry. He’s also taking Liam, and he’s asked Alice, Will, and myself to join him.”

Honestly, Blackbeard wasn’t surprised to hear that Killian was going to leave. Family had always been everything to Killian, and he wasn’t the kind of man to simply let his True Love and his child go. Especially not when Killian’s defining trait, other than loyalty, was determination. “That’s not surprising. It’s a very Killian thing to do.” Blackbeard sighed. “So you’re going with him then?” He already knew the answer. Of course Tink would go. Killian needed her help and she was big on helping people in need. It was a fairy thing after all. But Blackbeard wanted her to stay with him; maybe not here at the castle, but somewhere. He wanted to start a new life and he wanted Tink by his side when he did so. Though ever since Neverland, he certainly hadn’t been acting like he wanted her. He’d been so worried about Killian and Will finding out who he was that he’d all but pushed Tink away.

“I am.” Tink said. “Come with us, please. Killian’s already agreed to you coming along, and I think it would be good for you.” She chewed at her lip before adding. “I want…I really want you to come with us.”

Blackbeard gave her a tentative smile. “You do?”

“Yes, I do.” Tink said. “Even if you can be an ass.” Her green eyes looked up into his blue ones. She breathed deep, and made her confession. “I do happen to like you a lot, you know?”

His expression became serious, his eyes surprised. Blackbeard knew that there were feelings between them, but neither had ever made such a confession. They had kept their relationship at the level of friends with benefits, neither willing to get too involved, both afraid to get burned. But now Tink had admitted that she liked him; but did that mean as friends or as more? He needed to find out. “Like me a lot, huh? In what way?”

Tink’s lips twitched. “You haven’t figured that out yet?”

Blackbeard moved closer, bending slightly forward due to their height difference. “Perhaps you should enlighten me?”

Tink licked her lips nervously, before moving close enough that their bodies were touching. They had been intimate before, but not like this. This was something more than just physical affection and sexual attraction. It was both of those with meaning behind them; with feelings igniting them. “If you want to be enlightened, all you have to do is kiss me.”

He moved swiftly, his lips on hers just as she finished speaking. His arms wrapped tightly around her, pulling her flush against him, kissing her with passionate intent.

Tink could barely keep up with his vigorous kiss, reaching up to anchor her hands in his hair, determined to give as good as she was getting from him. She prodded his lips with her tongue, demanding entry, which he gave with a deep groan.

Blackbeard saw stars as Tink took control of the kiss, shoving him against the brick wall. He hadn’t lied in Neverland; he loved her being commanding, but this was really the first time she had been so dominant without hesitation. It made his blood shoot straight down to his cock, leaving him breathless and dizzy.

Tink pulled away to catch her breath, eliciting a desperate moan from Blackbeard. “Now, you never gave me an answer.”

It took a second for the lustful fog to clear from his brain.

He was certain of his answer, but there would be repercussions. If he did go with them, Blackbeard would be constantly interacting with Killian, and of all of the things that Killian had been, stupid never had been one of them. Despite the three hundred year separation and Blackbeard’s unkempt and dirty appearance, eventually Killian was going to figure out who Blackbeard was, and he wasn’t sure he could face the confrontation that was sure to come.

Oh, and once Killian outed him, then he’d be forced to face Will as well. While he’d been a disappointment of a father to his son, Blackbeard knew that any reaction from Will, indifferent or otherwise, would hurt him as much as he knew Killian’s reaction would.

But he was certain about Tink and he wanted to be with her, in any capacity, even if that meant facing down his beloved brother's anger and disappointment and his son's hurt or apathy.

“I will.”

“You will give me an answer, or you will come with us?” Tink asked.

“I will go with you.” Blackbeard told her.

“Really?” Tink brightened, tightening her hold on him.

“Only for you.” Blackbeard’s lips brushed against hers. “For you, love, I’d do anything.”

His words had Tink’s heart fluttering as his lips reclaimed hers.

It was still morning when Snow plopped down on a settee exhausted from running around the castle since before dawn in order to ensure that the Christmas preparations were complete, or close to it. They still had nearly three full days before Christmas Eve, but it was their first Christmas back in the Enchanted Forest and it was meant to uplift the spirits of their people; Snow wanted it to be perfect. Even if she was obsessing over it in order to avoid David. That was why she usually left their bedroom before the sun rose anyway.

Wanting desperately to ignore the guilt of her relationship problems, and how they were her fault, Snow began to mentally compile a list of things that still needed to be done before the holiday. Unfortunately, everything seemed to be taken care of so far; apparently using a holiday and the subsequent preparations for it in order to avoid her husband only gave her so much to do.

She knew that she couldn’t avoid David forever, though. They did need to talk about everything, but Snow wasn’t sure she could face David. They weren’t on the same page anymore. He had been content with where their family had been at, with Emma, Henry, Killian, and Liam. Snow had never been content; she loved her daughter and grandsons greatly, and Killian was one of her closest friends, but there had always been something missing, and the longer Emma’s pregnancy went on, the more Snow realized that she wanted another baby and another chance at being a mother.

Of course her life being her life meant that every single obstacle possible was in the way of her happiness. Was it karma from a past life? Or was her family truly cursed? Even if they could get everything back to some semblance of normalcy, she still might never have a chance at a family. Especially if she and David couldn’t even be in the same room as each other, and while that was more her fault than his, they’d both been busy as of late.

The door opened revealing Ruby with two mugs. “There you are. Granny found a stash of the really high quality chocolate and made some cocoa. I figured you could use a cup.”

Snow smiled gratefully as Ruby walked over. “That would be amazing.” Snow gripped the mug close, letting the warmth of the mug and the sweet smell sooth her.

Ruby sat next to her friend, noticing the dark circles under sad, hopeless eyes. “I’d ask what’s wrong, but I don’t think the cocoa is strong enough for that conversation.”

That earned a chuckle from Snow. “You’re probably right.” Taking a sip of her cocoa, Snow debated about whether or not to talk to Ruby. They used to be able to talk about everything, but since the curse broke they still hadn’t managed to get their friendship back to what it was. Maybe talking about her problems would not only help her, but help their friendship as well. “I’ve…been avoiding David.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Ruby winced.

“Just you?” Snow asked, hoping her avoidance wasn’t too obvious.

Ruby’s answering grimace told her otherwise. “No, but I’m the only one David talks to about it.”

“David talked to you?” Snow wondered what he had to say.

“He’s been worried about you.” Ruby told her. “You were wallowing before, and now you’ve let Christmas take over your time. He thinks that you both need to have a talk about things.”

Snow sighed. “I know we do. I’m just scared.”

“Scared?” Ruby tilted her head. “Of what?”

“David and I aren’t on the same page anymore.” Snow sighed. “I’m scared of what that might mean for us. I’m scared that my family will never be safe.” Tears started to fall from Snow’s eyes “I’m scared that the Wicked Witch will show up with a curse or that Regina will go all Evil Queen again. I’m scared that something will happen to my grandson, because he is all that I have left of my daughter. I’m scared that my family will never be happy, and that I’ll never get my happy ending.”

Ruby’s heart broke for her best friend, pulling the tearful woman into her arms. “Oh, Snow.”

“I just wish that my family was safe and happy.” Snow cried. “That’s all I want. I want Emma and Henry back. I want to see Emma and Killian’s wedding day. I want to have more kids and grandkids. I want to see Henry grow up. I want villains to leave us alone. Is that really too much to ask for?”

“No, it’s not.” Ruby said softly. “After everything that you’ve been through, you deserve happiness.”

“Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.” Snow sniffed.

“No one does, believe me.” Ruby sighed. “You know, I think that if you talk to David, really talk to him, then you might be able to get back on the same page.”

A ghost of a smile appeared on Snow’s face. “Is that how you and Jefferson make it work?”

Ruby grimaced. “Um, it’s….a work in progress.”

Snow’s brow furrowed, concern on her face. “Is everything all right?”

Ruby knew that if she got into her relationship troubles, then she’d have to reveal that she and Jefferson were engaged. Firstly, she didn’t feel like it was the right time, and secondly, she didn’t want Snow excited and using the engagement as an excuse to avoid David more. “Everything’s fine. It’s just been so crazy and we’ve all been busy.”

The look on Snow’s face said that she didn’t buy Ruby’s words at all, but the door opening interrupted them.

Belle poked her head in. “There you two are. Granny sent me. Apparently the dwarves and some former knights are having a turf war over the courtyard.”

Ruby and Snow shared disbelieving looks.

“They’re what, over what, now?” Snow asked.

Belle sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know, but Leroy seemed especially incensed.”

“Sounds like it’s time for us women to put men in their place.” Ruby joked.

Belle snorted as she left the room.

Ruby made to stand but Snow stopped her.

“We’re finishing this conversation later.” Snow promised. “I’m still your friend, Ruby. If something is going on, then let me help.”

Ruby gave her a reassuring smile. “Everything’s fine, Snow.”

Snow didn’t believe her, but they had more pressing issues to attend to at the moment.

Belle looked around at the dusty library. Between all of the odd jobs that she’d gotten upon her return, she hadn’t had a moment to herself, let alone a moment to check out Regina’s library.

Her return had been met with demands of her, which she was grateful for, as it kept her mind off of Neal and her guilt over leaving him in such a state. She’d been debating about going back to Rumple’s castle and stopping Neal, but she was struggling. She felt like she was needed here, but her guilt prevented her from taking any action. He was Rumple’s son, and she had just abandoned him because she was too weak with grief to even try to fight him, to convince him not to go through with resurrecting his father. Belle prayed he hadn’t yet found a way to bring Rumple back to life. There was no telling what repercussions would occur from it.

At the same time, she felt guilty for letting Rumple go so easily. She wasn’t over him; not at all, but his sacrifice, it was the first time that Belle actually saw the man she believed was deep inside of Rumple. She had had glimpses of the good man, the loving man, but the Dark One had tainted them, and Rumple had been set into his ways. His sacrifice was done out of love, purely and utterly, and if Neal ever brought Rumple back….if it was at all possible, then would Rumple be as he was before? As the Dark One and Rumple, together as one. Or would the Dark One have complete control? She was afraid to find out, and even more afraid to lose Rumple to darkness forever. Losing him to death was easier, even if it was just as painful.

She wished that she could talk to someone about this situation and get their advice on the matter, but the two people she was closest to were Ruby and Killian. Ruby was even busier than Belle, what with being David’s de facto second in command, and pulling double duty between overseeing the refugees and the Christmas celebration preparations. As for Killian, he was still mourning his own loss and he had an infant child that needed his entire focus right now. Belle didn’t want to burden Ruby, but she especially didn’t want to add to Killian’s worry. She knew that, despite hard feelings over Emma and Henry and Milah, Killian still cared for Neal on some level, because a part of Neal was still that boy that Killian had cared for so long ago.

Even if there was someone that she was comfortable talking to about this, she didn’t think it would be a good idea to try. Everyone had a lot on their plates right now, and it would be selfish of Belle to dump her problems on anyone, when everyone had their own or bigger problems to deal with.

“Oh good, I hoped to find you here.” Regina’s voice startled Belle.

Belle smiled. “I heard a rumor that you were returning hearts and apologizing.”

“Not a rumor.” Regina told her, though the former Evil Queen seemed almost bashful talking about it. Regina straightened, her face becoming a mask of stoicism.

A defense mechanism, likely.

“Anyway, I came here to ask you a favor.” Regina began. “My own knowledge of magic isn’t as extensive as I’d like it to be, but if I’m going to keep returning hearts, I don’t have time to read any of my books and get a refresher course.” She gestured at the library around her. “I was hoping that you could take on the job. Read everything about magic that I have. That way, when the Wicked Witch attacks, or ogres happen upon us, or another villain comes out of the woodwork, then we’d be ready.”

“But I don’t have any magic.” Belle said. “I don’t see how that could help.”

“You have a brain.” Regina said. “A very good one, and absorbing knowledge is your gift. You remember information about everything. If you get a jump on things and read everything, then it will cut down any research time that we might have in the future.”

“But, Regina, I…”

“Belle.” Regina’s tone was stern. “You are arguably the smartest person here, and with everyone else trying to do all of the physical labors, we need someone who’s a quick study, so that we won’t be caught off guard. We need you Belle.”

Realizing how serious Regina was, and even more how worried she looked, Belle knew that she couldn’t say no, especially since it meant being helpful and working to protect her friends and the refugees. Who knew what the Wicked Witch was planning? If Belle stayed, then she might certainly be able to find out, and if the Wicked Witch showed up again, Belle could help stop her. “All right, where should I start?”

Regina gave her a genuine smile. “Anywhere, the library is all yours.”

“We need more winter clothes.” Tink stated, going through a pile of clothes that had been sorted for the residences of the castle.

Will scoffed. “We need a bloody car. With heat an’ a roof.”

Tink tisked. “Unfortunately, the Enchanted Forest is behind on the times. Though, we could steal one of Regina’s carriages.” If only they did have a car; it would certainly make things easier, but a carriage would have to do. So would a team of horses. They’d need that as well.

“That I can do.” Will agreed. “Think Killian will agree?”

“It would benefit Liam.” Tink said, nodding. Liam’s safety and comfort had to be as much of a priory as finding a portal would be. “But I still think winter clothes and blankets are good to stockpile on. Who knows how cold it will get, and if we take the carriage, it might end up damaged. Or if we’d have to camp out…”

Will nodded. “True that.” He picked up a fur lined cloak and added it to the pile Tink was creating for them to pack for their journey. “Do you think he’s going to ask anyone else to come with us?”

“No.” Tink shook her head. “It think he wants to keep this group small. Plus, everyone who’d want to go needs to stay here. There’s so much that’s going on and no one else needs to come with us.”

“So just us, Alice, and Blackbeard are joining him?” Will asked.

Neither were aware that Snow had paused outside the room. She had been about to enter, looking for David. Ruby was right when she said that Snow and David really needed to talk, but when she heard Will and Tink talking, she couldn’t help but be curious. Were they leaving the castle? With who and why?

“I think so.” Tink said. “It would be easier to keep it small. Less of a chance of more people finding out and easier for us to leave without drawing attention.”

“Killian never did like attention.” Will chuckled.

Snow tilted her head to listen better. What did Killian have to do with this?

“Okay, that’s all that I see that could be useful for us.” Tink sighed, adding one last thing to their pile. “I hope Killian knows what he’s doing. We don’t know how long the search for a portal will take.”

Snow froze. Killian was…what? Leading a group to find a portal? Why….it hit her suddenly. Emma and Henry. Despite Regina’s claim that no more portals to the Land Without Magic existed, Killian was going to search for one anyway. How could he be so foolish? There was no way back to Emma and Henry. Even if Snow wasn't Regina’s biggest fan right now, she knew that Regina, and Rumplestiltskin for that matter, knew magic. They had both said there was no way back to Emma and Henry. Why was Killian even trying? And how could he just abandon Liam like this? Unless he was taking the baby, but that was even more foolish. It would only endanger Liam.

Screw talking to David. Snow had to find Killian and talk him out of this futile quest. 


Killian jumped back in surprise as August appeared in front of him.

Liam sent a flash of irritation at his father, clearly not happy about being disturbed from his dozing state.

“So, you want to tell me what you said to Papa that has him so upset?” August asked with a glare.

Was that why August looked ready to punch him? Killian’s brow furrowed at the thought of his father. He hadn’t meant to upset Marco so, but he thought his father understood why he was doing this. It seemed though that Marco hadn’t told August what Killian had told him. “It’s really not your business, August.”

“Maybe not, but Papa wants us to be brothers, and whether you like it or not, brothers show concern about the other’s well being.” August growled. “Something is going on, and I swear Killian, if you’re planning to do something stupid….”

“It’s not stupid.” Killian said, getting defensive. His harsh tone caused Liam to wake up fully and whine. Wincing, Killian gently bounced the baby, shushing him.

“So you are planning something?” August questioned.

Killian sighed. August wasn’t going to let this go, and Killian doubted the man would believe any lie Killian told him. Part of Killian was touched though too; August was expressing brotherly concern, and it was nice to have a brother again. Not that David and Jefferson weren’t very much like brothers to him, but he and August shared a father. Sighing, Killian hoped that trusting this information to August wouldn’t blow up in his face. “I made a promise to Emma to find a way back to her and Henry. I already scoured the library, and it wasn’t helpful, so the only way to keep searching for a portal is to leave. I’m taking Liam and a few others with me.”

August was floored for a moment, but he knew that Killian would do anything to reunite his family. “So you’re leaving? That’s what you told Papa.”

“Aye.” Killian said. “We talked about it and he encouraged me to leave, and to keep my promise.”

That seemed to surprise August even more, before a look of understanding came into his eyes. “Okay, then.”

“What?” Killian arched a brow.

“Okay, you go keep your promise and you get Emma and Henry back.” August said. “I’m assuming that you already have enough help, so I could stay here and keep an eye on things for you, and keep an eye on Papa.”

“Just like that?” Killian was stunned that August accepted this so easily and wasn’t fighting him on this.

August shrugged. “Isn’t that what brothers are for?”

A rush of gratitude filled Killian. “Thank you.”

Embarrassed by the sincerity in Killian’s tone, August just shrugged. “Yeah well, Emma and Henry are family, you know? We need all of our family together. Just be careful. None of us would ever forgive you if something happened to you, or Liam, or whoever else is going with you.”

Killian nodded. “We’ll all be careful, I promise. And I’d die before I’d let anything happen to my son.”

“I know.” August said. “So are you and your comrades all good to go, or do you need help with anything?”

“I think we have everything.” Killian said. “But thank you.”

“No problem.” August nodded before turning away. However, he stopped a final time and looked back at his brother. “And Killian, you have my word that I won’t tell anyone about this.”

Killian gave another grateful nod before August walked off. He looked down at his now sleeping son. “Well, that was unexpected.”

There was no response from the baby, not that Killian much expected one. He looked around the hall that was full of Christmas cheer, a pang of longing shooting through him at the realization that Liam’s first Christmas would be without his mother and brother.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way, but then, that’s exactly why Killian was going to fix this.

Alice found Jefferson decorating one of the smaller rooms for Christmas. She knew that she wasn’t leaving until after the holidays, but a gut feeling had her seeking Jefferson out, needing to get a goodbye with her father figure in before she left. “Jefferson.”

He paused, surprised to find her there. “Hey, Alice.”

“Hey.” Alice stepped into the room, closing the door behind her.

“What’s up?” He asked, stepping off of the chair that he had been using to put up some of the hanging decorations.

“I…” Alice paused, not sure about how much she should tell him. “I’m leaving soon, and I can’t tell you why, but it’s for a good cause.”

Jefferson arched a brow, processing the information. “Okay, can I ask why you’re leaving?”

Alice chewed her lip. “Um, well, a friend made a promise and he’s trying to keep it. He needs help, so I decided to go with him.”

“Will?” Jefferson asked.

“No.” Alice said. “But Will is coming with us.”

Jefferson nodded. “Will it be dangerous?” He didn’t like the idea of Alice going off into danger, even if Will and others were there to help her.

“I don’t know.” Alice admitted. “But you’re not going to stop me. If you knew what was going on, you’d drop everything to help too.”

So it was someone close to Jefferson that needed the help. That certainly sparked his interest, but he took in the determined look in Alice’s eyes, and he had a feeling that he wouldn’t be able to question her further.

He stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. “Just be careful, okay? And promise me that you’ll write to me and let me know how things are going?”

Surprised that he accepted this so easily, Alice returned the hug. “I will…Papa.”

Jefferson’s heart warmed at Alice’s calling him “Papa,” but at the same time it only served to remind him of Grace’s distance. He sighed and pulled away. “I’m proud of you for putting someone else’s needs above your own, you know?”

She smiled, but she saw sadness in Jefferson’s eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Another sigh escaped the hatter. “It’s…Grace. She’s been distant since we returned.”

Immediately Alice felt a swell of concern for the younger girl, who she’d begun to see as a sister over these last months. “Do you want me to talk to her?”

Jefferson shook his head. “You should focus on what you’re doing. I’m the father here, it’s my job to worry about Grace.”

“That doesn’t mean that I can’t help.” Alice said. “We aren’t leaving until after the holidays. Maybe I can try to talk to her before then. And even after I leave, I’ll write to her too.”

“I think she’d like that.” Jefferson said. “I think she misses her friends. She needs someone to talk to and she won’t talk to me. Ruby’s been so busy too…”

“And she might be more honest with a sister than a parent.” Alice added. “I’ll talk to her.”

“Thank you.” Jefferson hugged her again. “You know, you’re the only good thing that ever came out of my time in Wonderland.”

Alice smiled. “It’s nice to know something good happened in that place.”

Jefferson chuckled. “Yeah, it is. It’s also nice to know that Grace does have you to look out for her.”

“That’s what sisters are for.” Alice shrugged. “So do you need help with the decorations?”

Jefferson glanced at the box that had been given to him for this room. “Sure, why not?”

Alice smiled warmly, and the two set to work.

Henry was excited to be getting a tree for their apartment, and his excitement was absolutely infectious.

Emma hadn’t thought either of them would be excited for the holidays after everything that happened, but apparently looking for a Christmas tree was magical like that.

Henry kept bouncing from tree to tree; he’d say it was perfect before finding a flaw. He insisted that their tree this year needed to be perfect.

As long as he was happy tree hunting and as long as he was happy with whatever tree he found, then Emma was happy. It had been a long while since either of them had been happy. She watched Henry scrutinizing a tree and suddenly she wished that her family was here to enjoy Henry’s enthusiasm with her.

Where had that come from? She thought. What family did she suddenly want here? Henry was her only family after all. He was all she had. A sharp pain struck her heart at the memory of her baby. This would’ve been the baby’s first Christmas. The first Christmas that wouldn't have just been Emma and Henry.

With that thought, any happiness and excitement left Emma. She wanted to be happy and in a Christmas mood, at the very least for Henry’s sake, but what was there to be happy about when her baby was supposed to be here with them? Swallowing the lump in her throat, Emma put on a fake smile just as Henry turned around to ask her what she thought of the tree.

As he waited for her answer, Henry seemed to read the emotions in her eyes, and Emma could see his excitement waning.

“I think it’s perfect, kid.” Emma’s forced her tone to sound happy. “You did good. You should pick out the tree every year.”

“I do pick out the tree ever year.” Henry joked, but his expression was serious.

Emma cursed herself for being so obvious around Henry. She was the mother here; she was supposed to be the strong one, but she was always so weak lately. So stuck in her grief. She wanted nothing more than to curl up into strong arms that smelled of leather, spice, and sea and cry.

Emma started at that unusual thought. This was ridiculous. She was Emma Swan, a single mom, a bailbonds-person, and a survivor of the foster care system. She didn’t need to rely on anyone, and she wasn’t weak. It was time to move on no matter how much losing her baby hurt her. She had to get better for Henry’s sake and for her sanity.

David had gathered Snow, Killian, Regina, Ruby, Jefferson, Granny, Marco, August, Belle, Robin, Will, Alice, Tink, and even Blackbeard, though it was more that Blackbeard came along with Tink, to discuss the situation with the refugees. They had more room now that half of the refugees had gone on to Aurora’s castle to live until they could start building villages in the spring.

David was talking about the need to begin designing villages, while most everyone else didn’t listen.

Snow kept glancing at Killian, ready to confront him about what she had heard, while Killian was more concerned with the mental list in his head, going over it to be sure that his group was ready to leave in a few days.

Neither Will nor Alice were much concerned with listening to the meeting either as both of them would likely not be here in the spring.

Blackbeard was too busy looking between Snow and Killian, worried about the glares Snow was sending his brother’s way.

Jefferson was thinking about what to say to Ruby once the meeting ended since they still hadn’t talked.

Tink was quietly cooing over Liam, as Killian often gave his son to her since Tink had bonded to the boy so strongly.

Belle was trying to focus on David’s words, but still felt the sting of guilt when the thought of Neal came to her. No one had really asked about him, and Belle was grateful for that, but she couldn’t help but wonder what was happening with him.

David stopped talking when he realized half the people weren’t listening. “I know this isn’t the most interesting subject, but you guys could try to act like you’re listening.”

Those that hadn’t been listening started with surprise before mumbling apologies.

Snow couldn’t wait any longer and stood. “Killian, can we talk?”

Now everyone was surprised.

Killian remained seated. “About?”

She hadn’t wanted to confront him in front of everyone, but if he wasn’t going to come talk in private, then she had to talk here. Though maybe talking in front of everyone might get people on her side, and together they might convince Killian to stay. “You’re planning to leave the castle.”

Killian stiffened.

Again the group gathered was surprised. Those that knew of Killian’s imminent departure were surprised that Snow knew, and those that were unaware were surprised at the news.

Killian met her glare with fire in his eyes. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“The hell you don’t.” Snow snapped. “I overheard Tink and Will. You’re going to find a portal. You’re trying to get back to Emma and Henry.”

“I already said there were no portals.” Regina said, but only earned a glare from both Snow and Killian.

“Just because Regina thinks that there isn’t a way, that doesn’t mean there isn’t one.” Killian growled. “I promised I would find them, and I will.”

“You didn’t have the right…” Snow started.

Killian stood quickly, his chair banging to the ground. “The hell I didn’t! They’re my family. I’m not going to give up. Just because you’re so ready to, doesn’t mean the rest of us should.”

“It’s not giving up when there’s no hope!” Snow argued.

“Is there really no hope or are you just glad Emma’s gone so you don’t have to feel guilty about wanting another child?” Killian snapped.

Will whistled lowly.

“How dare you!” Snow hissed. “Emma is my daughter.”

“But she’s not the daughter you want.” Killian growled back, his hackles raised. “You admitted as much in Neverland.”

“Snow, Kil.” David spoke up, hoping to diffuse the situation, but neither Snow nor Killian seemed keen on listening.

“Emma and Henry are happy where they are!” Snow continued. “They have new memories now!”

“They aren’t happy!” Killian was determined to fight back it seemed.

“How would you know?” Snow yelled.

“Because Emma and I are connected!” Killian said. “True Love means knowing when your partner is in pain or unhappy, or are you so wrapped up in yourself that you don’t even know David anymore?”

“I’m not the selfish one here.” Snow moved closer to Killian, but David grabbed her, pulling her back. “You are being the selfish one! Admit it, you’re only going on this futile quest because you’re worthless without Emma!”

Killian looked like he’d been slapped, pain clouding his eyes.

“That’s enough!” David stepped between them. “Enough!”

But a hurt Killian was a Killian that attacked back, just like any wounded animal would. “If anyone’s worthless her, your majesty, it’s you. You think Christmas will help around here? Why don’t you actually try to act like a leader instead of putting the burden on David? How about act like the queen your supposed to be instead of wallowing around here like a child?”

“Oh I’m the child?” Snow snapped, trying to get around David, who held firm. “How about you, huh? What kind of man abandons his own son?”

Oh the fire in Killian’s eyes practically gave the blue a red gleam. Hook was ready to strike. “Liam’s coming with me.” His voice was dangerously low.

Everyone felt chilled by the tone knowing that this was not a Killian to mess with.

Snow ignored the stab of fear, and continued her attack. “You are not taking my grandchild from me!”

“You don’t get to make that decision.” Killian’s tone was still a warning for all to back off. His fist was at his side, clenched so tightly it was white enough to show the blue of his veins, and his hook was tucked behind him.

“And you have no right to put a baby in danger!” Snow shouted. “You’re pathetic selfishness is only going to get that baby killed!”

It seemed to take all of Killian’s strength and self-control to take a few steps back away from David and Snow.

No one had ever seen Killian look so murderous.

“I’m not leaving my child.” Killian insisted, trying to make an effort to calm himself down.

“You’re not taking him!” Snow finally got around David, but the second she made a step towards Killian, Liam disappeared from Tink’s arms in a cloud of white, only to reappear in front of Killian, his white shield coming up, preventing Snow from coming closer.

It seemed that the baby was siding with his father in this fight.

Taking deep breaths to calm himself, Killian picked Liam up, causing the forcefield to drop, and hurried out of the room with his son.

The room was filled with a tense silence, no one sure what to say, everyone shocked at the fight that had occurred. There was nothing any of them could say now that would smooth over the fight; nothing that anyone could do to make this better. However, it was clear that Snow and Killian’s friendship was now irrevocably damaged.

Regina still had trouble sleeping and had taken to walking through the castle at night until she was tired enough to attempt sleep again. She hadn’t expected to turn the corner and find a brooding David looking out one of the windows that overlooked the courtyard.

She knew that, despite their camaraderie after Neverland, Snow and David still had their issues with her, and perhaps they even still hated her, but David looked like he needed to talk to someone.

“Do you really think Killian will leave?” She asked softly, approaching him from the side.

David was startled. He blinked a couple of times before seeming to register who was speaking and what she’d asked. “Uh, yeah, I think he will. He’s determined to find them.”

“Nothing’s going to stop him, then?”

David shook his head. “Not likely. Honestly, I don’t want to stop him.”

She was surprised by David’s admission. “Why not?”

“Because what if he is right?” David said. “What if you are wrong and that there is a portal back?”

Regina considered his words. She and Rumplestiltskin knew how the Dark Curse worked, and they had both been so sure that there was no way to return to the Land Without Magic, but if there was a chance that they had been wrong after all, then someone needed to find out, right? And no one was better motivated or more determined than Killian Jones. “I guess you’re right.”

“Do you think you’re wrong?” David asked her, genuinely curious.

“Honestly?” Regina shrugged. “I hope I am. I know I’m still the Evil Queen to all of you. The woman who ruined all your lives, but I do feel. I have emotions, and I do love Henry. If Killian can find them, then he can bring them home. Emma to you and Snow, and Henry to me, even if I’m not going to be his mother anymore.”

Her words surprised David. He’d never thought that he’d hear Regina say that she didn’t have to be Henry’s mother. Somehow he knew it was a big step for her. “Killian said Emma and Henry weren’t happy.” David said, segueing into the other subject that had been nagging at him since Snow and Killian’s fight. “Didn’t you give them happy memories?”

“As far as I knew, I did.” Regina told him. “But the human mind is a very tricky thing. I gave them the basic memories. Their personalities and experiences would be the ones to fully shape those memories.”

David nodded. It made sense as far as he could figure. Magic wasn’t exactly a subject that he was well versed in after all.

After a moment of silence, Regina spoke again. “You know, I made a promise to Henry before the curse brought us back.”

A curious David turned to face her.

“I promised him that I would stay good.” Regina said. “That I would continue to redeem myself.”

“You’ve been doing that.” David admitted. He might still have his own problems with Regina, but he had seen first hand her returning the hearts of her victims. That had been quite the shock.

“What I’m trying to say…I understand keeping a promise.” Regina told him. “I understand why Killian wants so badly to keep his, just as I understand why he wants to be reunited with his family so much.”

“That I get.” David said. “If I wasn’t needed here, I’d be going with him. Emma and Henry are my family too. I miss them, and I want them back.”

Regina’s look was sympathetic and understanding.

A noise caught both of their attentions and they watched as a group led a carriage, pulled by four horses, as quietly as possible through the courtyard.

“Do you supposed that’s them leaving now?” Regina whispered.

David nodded. “Let’s go say goodbye.”

The two hurried down the hall, hoping that they could catch the group in time.

“I think we’re all set.” Blackbeard said, stepping away from the packed carriage.

Killian nodded, agreeing with Blackbeard’s assessment. He turned to see Marco and August sharing goodbyes with Alice, Tink, and Will. Marco was holding Liam, telling the baby to be a good boy, and giving the baby a kiss on his little head. It tugged at Killian’s heart to leave his father behind. Hell, he was leaving many loved ones behind, but they were needed here. Killian couldn’t ask them to come.

Snow’s words still rang fresh in his mind, and his jaw clenched. Perhaps he was being selfish, but at least he was being selfish for the right reasons.

He walked over to Marco and August as the others walked towards the carriage, giving the father and brothers their time to say their goodbyes.

“You be careful, yes?” Marco asked, his expression serious.

“I will be, Pop.” Killian nodded. “I promise.”

Marco seemed satisfied with that answer and put Liam into his father’s arms, before pulling Killian and the baby into a hug. “I love you, my boy.”

“Love you too, Pop.” Killian fought the sting of tears, blinking rapidly before pulling away. He turned to August. “You watch this one, aye? He can be a handful.”

August chuckled. “That he can be, but I’m sure I can handle him.”

Marco snorted, earning a look of faux hurt from August, before the younger man smiled.

Killian stepped away from them, ready to head for the carriage.

“No goodbye for us then?”

David’s voice startled the group, who all turned to see him and Regina walk through the gates of the courtyard.

Killian hesitated at first. “David…”

David just gave him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay. We’re not here to stop you. Just let me say goodbye to my best friend and grandson, okay?”

Relief filled Killian at David’s words, grateful that David seemed to understand, and was willing to let them go. Killian stepped towards his friend, carefully and only slightly wary, handing Liam over to the man.

David smiled at the bundled up baby. “You have a great dad, you know? He’s going to protect you and he’s going to bring your mom and brother home. So, you be good for him, okay? He’s going to need you to be on your best behavior.”

Liam gurgled in agreement.

Killian was touched by David’s words. After Snow’s cruel ones earlier, David’s kind ones were very much needed.

David looked up at Killian. “I wish I could go with you.”

“I know.” Killian nodded, and he did. David and Emma were close, and David, like Killian, would do anything to keep their family together; even if it meant letting Killian go now, so that they all could be reunited again.

“Just be careful, Kil.” David said softly, his brow crinkled with worry. “Take as long as you need to try and find a portal, but at the same time, please don’t be a stranger. I’d like to see my grandson once in a while.”

Killian chuckled. “I’ll try, and I will write. Have to keep you updated.”

David nodded his thanks.

“Well, none of you will last long with all of this.” Regina said stepping towards the carriage. She made a few hand motions, causing the packs inside the carriage, the carriage itself, and the clothes they were wearing to glow.

“What did you do?” Alice asked curiously.

“I cast warming spells on all of your tents, blankets, clothes, and the carriage.” Regina explained. “Your canteens and packs are also enchanted to never run out of water or food. The carriage also is spelled to prevent it from damage or from being stolen.”

“Thank you, Regina.” Killian said earnestly.

Regina shrugged. “Well, I couldn’t let any of you just go out and freeze or starve to death.” Regina stepped towards Killian, her eyes flicking down to Liam. “Especially not my little nephew.”

Killian’s mouth quirked. He had thought for a long time that Regina wasn’t capable of a soft side. Apparently, she was keen to prove him wrong.

“You should get going.” David told the group. “The longer you guys dally, the more of a chance Snow might find out, and she would try and stop you.”

The group agreed, Tink and Alice climbing into the carriage with Will and Blackbeard’s help.

Killian nodded a final time towards those they were leaving behind. He passed Liam off to Tink before getting into the carriage himself.

Blackbeard insisted that he drive first, practically shoving Will into the carriage.

Will grudgingly complied.

With Blackbeard at the reins, the carriage was off and soon enough the occupants of the carriage, save Killian, were asleep.

“I will find you, Swan, I swear it.”

“I will find you, Swan, I swear it.”

Emma shot up in bed, hearing a man’s voice, almost as if he was right beside her. She turned on her bedside lamp, looking around her bedroom for any possible source for the voice. No one was in her room except her, and as she quieted her breathing, she could only hear silence in her apartment.

It must’ve been her dream then. That’s where she heard the voice. But why was it so vivid? Not just his voice, but her entire dream.

There were people standing outside of a castle. A freaking castle. Then there was him. That handsome rogue with blue eyes and carrying that precious baby boy. The memory of them made her heart ache. Why? They were just a part of her dreams; just a fantasy.

Yet, there was more there. There was something about those people, and that man and his baby boy.

“I will find you, Swan, I swear it.”

As the words played in her head, Emma’s heart felt lighter. She had a sense of hopefulness that she hadn’t had in a very long time, least of all these past weeks.

This was ridiculous. Why would such a dream give her hope?

Those people weren’t real.

He wasn’t real.

It was all something her head had conjured up. Shaking her head, she checked the time, and seeing that it was way too late to be up and way too early to officially be morning, Emma resolved to go back to sleep.

She tossed and turned, trying to ignore the hope in her heart, closing her eyes, and trying not to picture the handsome man in her dreams smiling at her with tender words on his lips and love in his eyes.

It wasn’t yet dawn when Snow knocked on the door to Killian’s room. She hadn’t slept at all last night, guilt over their fight eating at her. How could she have said such horrible things to one of her best friends? The man who’d been like a brother to her for decades and who was the father of her grandchildren. It was unfair of her to lash out as she did. She should’ve talked to Killian, not yell at him as she did.

She needed to apologize to him, and they needed to sort this out. He had to known that his quest was impossible, and that Liam and him were better off, and safer, here at the castle. Even if Regina was still around and there was a Wicked Witch lying in wait for them. At least they’d all be together.

Snow knocked again, a little louder this time, wondering if Killian was still asleep, instantly feeling bad about waking him. He had a newborn after all; the man needed all of the sleep that he could get.

When the door still remained unanswered, Snow grew concerned. Even with little sleep, Killian was a very light sleeper, even more so nowadays. He wouldn’t have slept through the first knock let alone another one. Quietly, Snow opened the door, peeking inside of the chambers. The bed hadn’t been slept in last night from the looks of it, and she didn’t see Killian or Liam anywhere.

Maybe he had slept somewhere else to avoid her.

“Snow?” David’s voice startled her.

“David.” Her greeting was stilted.

“What are you doing here?” David asked, eyeing her carefully.

Snow sighed. David had always been protective of Killian as if he were truly David’s little brother, despite Killian being older by a few centuries…and physically older by a couple of years. “I was looking for Killian. I wanted to apologize for our fight yesterday. I was harsh, and it was unfair.”

David’s expression softened, but there was guilt in his eyes. “He’s not here.”

“I can see that.” Snow motioned to the bedroom around them. “Have you seen him this morning?”

David winced. “I mean, he’s not here. He…he left, Snow. Late last night.”

Snow jolted, feeling as though a bucket of ice water had been dumped on her. “What? Killian’s gone?”

“He is.” David nodded. “He, Liam, Tink, Alice, Will, Blackbeard. They all left. Took a carriage and supplies.”

“Wait, how…how do you know all of this?” Snow asked, her face pinched. “Did someone see them leave?”

Silence answered her.

“David, did you see them leave?” Snow questioned, her tone turning harsh.

“He needs to do this.” David spoke up in his and Killian’s defense. “He needs to find Emma. I wasn’t going to stand in his way.”

“David, there aren’t anymore portals.” Snow snapped. “He’s risking his life, his son’s life, for nothing!”

“You don’t know that.” David argued. “Regina’s word isn’t law when it comes to magic.”

Snow wanted to scream. How could David let their family fall apart like this? Her fists clenched at her sides. “How could you let them go?”

“It was the right thing to do.” David said.

“For who?” Snow’s shout echoed in the empty hall. “Do you really think Killian was in the right frame of mind when he made this decision? He’s grieving, David.”

“He’s not crazy, Snow.” David growled. “In fact, I think he’s doing the sanest thing.”

“Sane would be staying here, where it’s safe, and trying to build a life for him and Liam!” Snow argued, her face flushing red with anger. “It is not sane to go on some desperate and futile mission that will only hurt him and Liam.”

“Obviously, I disagree.” David hissed. “True Love means always being able to find each other. I believe that Killian will succeed.”

“What if he doesn’t?” Snow glared. “What then, David?” She shook her head. “This is only going to fail. You never should have let them leave.”

Before David could say anything more, Snow hurried away, anger rolling off of her.

David sighed. “He will succeed. He has to.”

The end of the year brought colder temperatures, which weren’t friendly to travel in, yet Aurora stood her ground, staring Mulan down. “We’re going to the Yule celebration.”

Mulan wasn’t use to Aurora’s demanding tone (and no it didn’t turn her on that Aurora was so commanding), but she was used to Aurora’s stubbornness. “It’s too cold for Diana to travel, and we don’t know what dangers are awaiting us.”

“One flying monkey, which you protected me from, doesn’t make the forest unsafe.” Aurora argued. “Not to mention, Diana and I will be bundled up in the carriage.”

“I can’t protect you and drive the carriage.” Mulan disagreed.

“We’re not the only ones going.” Aurora huffed. “The Merry Men and the refugees we have taken in are all traveling to the celebration.”

“Then that’s just more people for me to protect.” Mulan said. “We don’t know how many monkeys are around, or if the Wicked Witch will attack…”

“We don’t know if they will attack at all.” Aurora interrupted. “Honestly Mulan, we will be fine.”

Mulan pressed her lips together.

Aurora fought the urge to kiss Mulan’s frown away as she stepped towards the warrior. “Please, Mulan.”

Mulan swallowed, using all of her self control to stay rooted to the floor, her arms crossed over her chest, anything to keep herself from pulling Aurora into her arms and kiss the hell out of her. She clenched her teeth together, forcing her eyes to meet Aurora's rather than stare at the woman’s lush lips. “It’s too dangerous.”

The princess could’ve sworn that for a moment there Mulan was going to kiss her. It had to have been her own imagination playing tricks on her, but what if? No, Aurora pushed away that thought. How many times did she have to berate herself over this? She could not have feelings for Mulan. Not only was it a betrayal to Philip’s memory, but it was wrong. Oh, she’d heard of women being with women and men being with men from the servants, but it was scandalous to them; in the social classes of nobles and royals, it was a taboo subject that no one would ever acknowledge. That’s just how it was in the Enchanted Forest.

As much as Mulan made Aurora’s heart flutter, she could never be with her, and she wasn’t willing to ruin their friendship over something that couldn’t be real. “It’s not dangerous. We’re going, Mulan. Now, you can stay here at the castle, while the rest of us go, or you can come and protect us.”

“Of course I’m coming with you.” Mulan sighed, resigned to follow her stubborn princess’s wishes.

Aurora gave her a winning smile. “Wonderful. I’ll write to Snow and let her know.” Unable to help herself, Aurora pulled Mulan into a fierce hug. “Thank you.”

Flustered, Mulan stuttered out, “You’re welcome.” The women pulled a part, only to gaze into each other’s eyes.

Finally, Aurora broke eye contact and stepped back. “I should get started on that letter.” She scurried off before Mulan could say anything more, trying to calm her racing heart, and hating that even hugging Mulan brought up feelings that Aurora resolved to refuse to acknowledge anymore.

After tucking Grace into bed, Jefferson couldn’t get her distance out of his head. She’d withdrawn from everyone and he wasn’t sure how he could help her, and Ruby was always so busy and focused on other things. He felt like he was losing his family and he needed to bring his family back together.

He entered the bedroom that he shared with Ruby, finding her getting ready for bed.

“Hey you.” Ruby smiled upon seeing him.

“Hey.” Jefferson returned, not quite sure what to say.

“How was Grace?” Ruby asked, knowing that Jefferson had been to tuck the girl into bed.

Jefferson hesitated. “She was fine. Sleepy.”

Ruby nodded. “It’s been a busy day.”

Jefferson made a noncommittal noise, but Ruby could sense that there was something that he needed to say.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, concern on her face.

Where could he even begin? Grace’s distance or Ruby’s? They didn’t write manuals on how to confront your fiancee about these things. Well, at least not in the Enchanted Forest. “We need to talk.”

Ruby became even more worried. “Okay, you know that sentence never leads to anything good.”

Jefferson chuckled nervously. He wasn’t off to a great start, and he knew things were about to get worse, but they needed to talk, really talk, and this was his one chance to do it. “Did you know that since we’ve been back, you’ve barely talked to me, and you haven’t talked to Grace once?”

“That’s not true.” Ruby said. “I talk to you both.”

“Ruby, the last time we had a conversation, a real conversation, was back at Granny’s when the curse was coming.” Jefferson corrected. “You’ve been avoiding having a real conversation with me, and I’d like to know why. I mean, do you regret agreeing to marry me? Or do you think that because we’re back in the Enchanted Forest, our lives are supposed to be different? I’m at a loss here, Ruby, and I don’t know what to do. It’s not just you that’s been distant either. Grace is pulling away from everyone and isolating herself, and I’ve tried to talk to her, and she just won’t…I feel like I’m losing both of you and helpless to stop it.” He hadn’t meant to say so much but it was like a dam broke and it all just came pouring out.

Ruby was stunned to say the least. Had she really been so caught up in helping the refugees and working towards making a home here, that she pushed her own family aside? Had they really thought that they were being ignored? That she was neglecting them?

“I just…I want to be a family again.” Jefferson said. “I’m tired of awkward and stilted conversations with you. I want to come to you for help with Grace. I want to work things out together. I never see you anymore, Ruby.”

“Jeff, I really had no idea…”

“How could you not know?” Jefferson snapped. “You’re the one who’s been avoiding me, and don’t say you haven’t or that you’ve been too busy.”  He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, pushing back tears. “I feel like you don’t want to be with me anymore. If that’s it, then just say it. Spare me the wait in limbo for my sentencing, because I don’t think I can keep trying to keep our relationship when you’re not in it anymore. I have a daughter to worry about and I need to know where we stand.”

The sting of tears pricked at her eyes. Ruby had no idea what to say to any of that. Of course she wanted to be with him, but there had been so much going on. She wanted to tell him that, but the words were lodged in her throat.

Uncertain of how to take her silence, Jefferson shook his head. “Fine, whatever.” He left before Ruby could process it, and the silence that she was left with broke her heart.

For the first time in years, Ruby cried herself to sleep.

The morning of Christmas Eve had David sitting up in bed watching the sun rise. He hadn’t slept much last night or the night before, and he was exhausted. There had been much going on these last few days, and Snow had been ignoring him, again, angry that he had let Killian leave.

Snow stirred beside him, but he kept his eyes on the window. It was too early to start a fight.

As Snow woke up, she realized that David was awake, and glanced over at him. She took in the way his brow was drawn tight; his eyes glaring at the window as if it held the solutions to his problems. They had to stop this fighting. Oh it was mostly her fault, and she knew it; she was the one who kept pushing and she was the one who kept taking her anger out on David. But it was Christmas and a new year would soon be upon them. It was time to reconcile, and talk; it was time for them to get on the same page.

She sat up against the headboard.

David tensed, but said nothing to acknowledge her.

Snow chewed at her lip, before diving right on in. “I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting.”

That surprised David, who turned to look at her.

“I…I really have just been caught up in myself.” Snow sighed. “How I felt seemed more important, you know?” She shook her head. “I was being ridiculous, and I took a lot of my emotions out on you when you didn’t deserve it.”

“You weren’t being ridiculous, Snow.” David said. “You had legitimate concerns and reasons.”

“I know, but I shouldn’t have let them get in the way of us.” Snow said. “I should’ve talked with you. Really talked. About having more kids, about how I feel towards Regina, about how losing Emma and Henry and now Killian and Liam all feels. But I pushed you away instead. I wanted someone to blame, and you were an easy target.”

David could understand that; he had wanted someone to blame too, but could only find it in him to blame himself. That didn’t help anyone, nor did being at odds with Snow. She was trying to apologize, and he needed to meet her halfway. “Then from now on, we need to talk. We need to work through things together.”

“Honesty always worked for us before.” Snow said. “I really am sorry, David.”

“I am too.” David spoke with sincerity. “You weren’t the only one who did wrong here. I didn’t even try to reach out, or well, I didn’t try hard enough. I gave up too easily, and I’m sorry for that.”

“So are we forgiven?” Snow asked with a shy smile.

“We are.” David returned her smile. “Merry Christmas, Snow.”

Snow pulled him to her kissing him deeply. “Merry Christmas, Charming.”

David lowered them on the mattress, both beginning their celebration with each other and their bed.

The festivities were in full swing as those from Aurora’s castle entered the ballroom at Regina’s castle.

People were mingling, drinking, singing, and dancing; all of them in good cheer. In fact, as early as it was, the sun just setting, people were already very drunk. There was raucous revelry everywhere.

The Merry Men sought out Robin and Roland, greeting their leader enthusiastically, and each passing little Roland around, causing the boy to laugh.

Mulan remained at the edge of the door frame still wary of dangers.

Aurora shook her head and took Mulan’s hand, surprising her. “Relax, Mulan. It’s a celebration. Drink and be merry.” The princess dragged her friend towards the alcohol, making a stop at Granny Lucas’ table, where Aurora left her daughter in Granny’s and Marco’s capable hands.

Though Granny’s attention was partially on a tense Ruby and a halfway drunk Jefferson, both of whom were speaking in hushed yet harsh tones.

Belle passed Aurora and Mulan their drinks. “Happy Christmas. We’re all so glad that you could make it.”

“We’re happy to be here.” Aurora smiled, taking a hefty sip of her drink.

Mulan eyed her with concern, taking a small and careful sip of her own drink. She refused to get drunk when anything could happen. Aurora and Diana needed to be protected. Though Aurora’s keenness to drink was worrisome. Why did she feel the need to drink so?

The princess grabbed another drink as Belle left them to it, taking a drink to Regina, who had taken up residence in a corner of the room away from the crowds, obviously on edge with so many people here.

“Perhaps you should slow down.” Mulan commented as Aurora practically drained her second drink.

“I think you need to relax.” Aurora giggled. She slung an arm around Mulan. “Drink and take a night off.”

That wasn't Mulan’s intention tonight. Perhaps she could relax, but she was going to stay sober doing it.

As Aurora walked over to the Merry Men to greet Robin as well, Mulan looked over the crowd, hoping that the holiday celebrations would remain merry and no Wicked Witches would arrive unannounced.

Blackbeard entered his and Tink’s tent, much warmer than biting winter outside thanks to Regina’s charms, and sat across from the fairy, who was feeding little Liam a bottle.

“Is the other tent pitched?” Tink asked, her eyes flicking up to Blackbeard.

“Almost.” Blackbeard said. “Will and Killian do like to argue about nonsense.”

There were slightly raised voices heard outside.

Tink chuckled. “They do seem alike.”

“Aye.” Blackbeard smiled wistfully. “I don’t know how they come about some of their mannerisms. I certainly don’t argue over nonsense.”

“Ha.” Tink scoffed. “I remember many an argument in Neverland over nonsense.”

Blackbeard chuckled. “All right then, perhaps they get it from me. The stubbornness certainly doesn’t help. That they get from my mother.”

Tink was surprised to hear that. “You never speak of her. Nor of your father.”

He shrugged, not having meant to speak of his mother at all. It had just slipped out before he realized it.

“Being around them has made you open up.” Tink told him. “They make you feel almost human again, don’t they?”

Choosing not to comment, Blackbeard dug through his rucksack, pulling out a yeast roll and some dried meat. Regina’s magic did work it’s wonders.

“They will figure it out, you know.” Tink sighed. “You might as well tell them.”

Blackbeard bit into the roll to avoid telling her that he knew she was right. He had seen the looks Killian had shot his way over the past few days of traveling, and he had hoped that Killian simply didn’t trust him; that the man was wary of Blackbeard around his family, but the looks were suspicious but in a curious way more so than a distrustful one. There was even a hint of confusion in Killian’s eyes from time to time when Blackbeard said or did anything that was too Liam Jones.

Tink said nothing more to Blackbeard’s lack of responses, choosing instead to coo over Liam.

Neither realized the argument between Killian and Will escalated until Alice poked her head in. “Tink, a little help, please.”

Before Blackbeard could protest, his nephew was deposited into his arms, and both women left the tent. Stunned, Blackbeard could only stare down at the baby, who stared back with wide, blue eyes. Suddenly, Blackbeard was ten years old again with a baby brother that depended on him and no parents to help him. It didn’t help that the almost one month old was beginning to look more and more like Killian ever day.

Liam scrunched up his little nose when Blackbeard simply continued to look at him.

“Well, don’t look at me like that. I haven’t done this in centuries.” Blackbeard grumbled.

Liam gurgled, sounding annoyed.

Blackbeard chuckled. “All right. You’ve been fed, so you’re probably tired. Would you like a story?”

The baby didn’t like the sound of that.

“Fine, singing then?” Blackbeard asked. “I know your papa sings you to sleep.”

Liam seemed more agreeable to that idea.

“All right, let’s see.” Blackbeard muttered. “How about the song I used to sing to your papa when he was a babe?” Blackbeard cleared his throat and began to sing quietly. “A life on the ocean wave, a home on the rolling deep, where the scattered waters rave, and the winds their revels keep…” He kept singing as the baby slowly drifted off, adding in a gentle bouncing motion to help sooth Liam to sleep. After the first couple of verses, Liam’s eyes were closed, but Blackbeard kept singing, remembering how Killian used to fuss if a song sang to him was never finished. “The land is no longer in view, the clouds have begun to frown. But with a stout vessel and crew, we’ll say let the storm come down, and the song of our heart shall be while the winds and waters lave, a life on the heaving sea, a home on the bounding wave.”

So lost in his song, he hadn't realized that Killian was right outside of the opening of the tent.

Killian had only caught the last verse, but that song…he knew it. It was a song his brother had sung to him for most of his childhood to help Killian sleep. What’s more…Blackbeard’s singing voice…no, it couldn’t be. He just sounded similar to Liam; he had since Killian met him, but there was no way that the pirate could be Killian’s dead brother.

There were other things though. Blackbeard’s voice wasn’t the only hint that prickled at Killian’s brain. There was also the fact that he too was over three hundred years old, that he’d worked for Pan longer than Killian had, and Pan’s keeping them from meeting was highly suspicious. There was Blackbeard’s apologies and worries, and ever since they left Regina’s castle, he’d been too helpful.

But there was no way that he could be Liam, there just wasn’t. If Liam had lived all these centuries, he would’ve found Killian. He would never have just left him and leave him believing him dead…would he?

“There, there.” Blackbeard whispered to the sleeping baby.

Killian shook his head. No, he couldn’t be Liam. Ducking into the tent to retrieve his son, Killian scrutinized the startled pirate.

“Tink gave him to me.” Blackbeard said softly. “I wasn’t quite sure what to do.”

Killian looked at his sleeping son, and nodded. “You seem to have done well.” He glanced back at the pirate and couldn’t shake the familiarity of Blackbeard’s blue eyes. Even as denial set in, his heart was already full of hope and anger at the man in front of him. “I’ll take him now.”

Blackbeard carefully handed the baby over.

With one last look at Blackbeard, holding on desperately to his denial, Killian left the tent, making his way over to his own, smaller tent.

Blackbeard watched his brother and nephew leave with a heavy heart.

Tink entered the tent not too long after. “So you got Liam to sleep?”

“Aye.” Blackbeard nodded. “I sang to him. I used to sing to Killian when he was little.”

Tink smiled. “That’s sweet.” She watched him for a moment, studying the longing look on his face, his eyes indicating that he was lost in his thoughts. “Are you all right?”

He met her eyes. “You’re right.” Blackbeard whispered.

“Oh?” Tink’s brow quirked.

“I’m going to tell Killian and Will who I am.” Blackbeard told her, his tone resolute. “After the new year though. I don’t want to ruin their Christmas tonight.”

Tink nodded. “Okay. I can live with that.”

Blackbeard only hoped that Killian and Will wouldn’t be too angry with him.

Emma shut the oven after checking on the ham. She was cooking Christmas dinner while Henry flipped through the holiday movies on Netflix. It hadn't always been like this for Christmas, and Emma was thankful that the last few years had been better financially.

No more Ramen noodles for dinner and Little Debbie’s Christmas cookies for dessert. She could afford food now, and she was determined to keep Christmas better. Which was why, even though it was just the two of them, they had a feast. Ham, mac and cheese, green bean casserole, yams with marshmallows, and black forest cake. They had leftovers for days, and ate all of it.

Better than that, no more dollar store gifts and wrapping paper. Henry actually got gifts that all the other kids got, and it made him happy, and that made Emma happy. Though she still loved getting homemade gifts from Henry. However, he was growing up, and Emma wondered if soon enough that tradition would stop.

He was growing up so fast. In a few months he’d be twelve, and in less than seven years, he’d be off to college and living his life. Not that Emma didn’t want him too. It was good for him to grow up and have a life outside of his mom. Henry deserved friends and she hoped that when he started school, friends would come easy to him. She never had friends, really good friends that is, and she didn’t want Henry to be lonely like she had been. He needed every kind of support system, not just her.

As much as she did want that for Henry though, she wondered where that would leave her. Would she still be alone? She had thought that her baby would change things. Sure, she’d still be a single mom, but she wouldn’t be alone once Henry was off to college. Losing her baby reinforced the idea that she should be alone. Emma hadn’t deserved Henry and changing her mind about giving him up for adoption…she was glad that she did it, but what would Henry’s life be like if she had? Would he have had better Christmas’ and birthdays growing up? Would he have had more friends? Would he have two parents that loved him and could’ve provided for him in ways that Emma hadn’t been able to?

She loved Henry more than anything in the world, but keeping him…had she given him his best chance, or had she just been selfish?

Glancing at Henry, who picked The Santa Clause, Emma smiled. He was a good kid, he did well in school, and he was practically a saint compared to her, so maybe she did do something right. She couldn’t have screwed him up too badly with a poor childhood and no father figure if he was this good a kid. Even with a little as they had, Henry seemed to be forgiving and compassionate and kind. Maybe the childhood that he had had prepared him for life.

Henry was strong, probably stronger than her, and that meant he was going to be okay.

That left her.

When he grew up and made friends, spending less time out home and more time building his own life, where did that leave her?

She had her job, but how long could she be able to do bail bonds? Eventually, she wouldn’t be able to catch her skips. Maybe she could open up her own bail bonds business, but a life behind a desk wasn’t for her…

And what about friends? It’s not like she was close to anyone at work, and all she did was go to work and then come home and take care of Henry. Did she need friends? Or even want them? She never felt like she could trust people and when she did, it went up in flames. Her closest thing to a best friend was Lily, and she betrayed and manipulated Emma. Friends were never an option after that.

Then there was her romantic entanglements.

She tried to trust Neal, and that was even worse. The only good thing that came from that train wreck was Henry. Her heart had been so closed off after that, and her focus shifted to Henry and raising him. When Henry was a little older, she had one night stands, and only one night stands. She had never been willing to open her heart again, and she especially didn’t want to expose Henry to any man that came along and get his hopes of having a dad up. His heart was even more important to protect.

But when he was out of the house…would it be worth it to find companionship?

“Mom, you’re missing the movie.” Henry cut into her thoughts.

“I’m cooking a feast over here.” Emma chuckled. “I can see it from here.”

“What just happened then?” Henry asked.

Emma glanced at the screen and saw Scott Calvin and his son at dinner in a restaurant. “Um, he burnt the turkey?”

“Yeah, like three minutes ago.” Henry chuckled.

Emma shook her head. “Well, if you don’t want to spend Christmas at a Chinese restaurant, let me cook and hopefully nothing will get burned.”

Henry raised his hands in mock surrender. “Okay, I’m sorry. Need any help?”

“Nah, I got it.” Emma reassured him. “You just watch your movie.”

Henry noticed that something was off in his mother’s tone. “Are you okay, mom?”

“I’m fine.” Emma said. “Why wouldn’t I be? I’m celebrating Christmas with my favorite person in the whole world.”

Still Henry could sense that something was wrong. Was it because this would’ve been the baby’s first Christmas? Was she be upset over that? Or was there something else? Surely it had to be something along those lines. But how could he approach her with this? He couldn’t very well ask if it was about the baby, at least, not directly. Maybe he should try the vague and indirect approach? “Hey, mom?”

“Hmm?” Emma had her attention on mixing cake batter.

“You know how you tell me that I can talk to you about anything?”

Emma’s eyes widened as she ceased her baking activity. Her first thought was that Henry finally had his first crush and now was going to ask her about dating and she was not ready for it, but Henry hadn’t been in school yet, and he didn’t really have any friends back in Boston, so maybe it was something else? God, Emma really hoped that it was something else. “Yeah?” Her tone was cautious.

“Well, if I can talk to you about anything, you know you can talk to me too, right?” Henry told her. “I mean, I know I’m still a kid, but you’re my mom. It’s always been the two of us, so now that I am getting older, I don’t think you should have to hide things from me. I mean, you’re a mom, but you’re still just a person too.”

Emma was relieved that it wasn’t time for the dating talk, which inevitably lead to the sex talk, as she wasn’t ready for that, but she was surprised that Henry was offering to be an ear for her to talk to. He was her baby, and she sometimes forgot that he was growing up. Still, she didn’t think she could talk to him about her fears of being alone once he grew up. He didn’t deserve to have that burden placed on him, ever. Even the fact that he knew that something was wrong meant that she wasn’t very good at hiding her emotions, and she hated that he saw that. She wanted her son to just be a normal kid. He shouldn’t have to worry about her or her well being. It was her job to take care of him, not the other way around. “Hey, kid, I’m the mom. I’m supposed to help you with your problems, not the other way around."

“I know, but I also know that your sad.” Henry said. “I just want you to be happy, and if I can help, then I want to.”

Emma walked over to Henry and hugged him. “You do not have to worry about my happiness. You just be happy, okay? Be a kid, go to school, make good grades, make friends, get new hobbies, but you just worry about you, okay? I’m fine. Anything thing that I need to deal with, I will.”

“I don’t think you're fine.” Henry said. “I think you’re just saying that.”

“Then, how about, I will be fine.” Emma pulled away and ruffled his hair. “You want to help me finish making the cake?”

“Can I eat the leftover batter?” Henry asked.

“What kind of mom would I be if I didn’t let my kid become at risk for salmonella?” Emma joked, earning a chuckled from Henry. But as mother and son moved to finish the cake, Emma only became more resolved to shut off her emotions. Henry didn’t need a mother who was broken.

He was surprised that getting a bird to send his letters to David and Marco actually worked. Killian figured it was just a Snow White thing, but perhaps Enchanted Forest birds were more…understanding of humans than birds from the Land Without Magic. When he broke through the clearing where they had set up camp though, he was even more surprised to see a feast of food and drink set up and everyone around the fire. “What’s all this then?”

“Alice figured out that Regina’s spells on our packs and canteens means that we can think of whatever we want for food or drink and we can get it.” A flushed Will spoke proudly, throwing his arm around Alice.

Well, someone was already tipsy.

Killian grinned. “I supposed this is a Christmas feast then?”

“Of course it is.” Tink smiled. “Can’t not celebrate it, you know. Especially since it’s this little one’s first Christmas.” She cooed at little Liam, tickling his tummy, making the baby giggle.

That reminder only broke Killian’s heart a little. Tink was right. This was Liam’s first Christmas, and instead of it being celebrated in a warm house in Storybrooke with his entire family surrounding him, especially his mother and his brother, here he was all bundled up in the cold, wintry forest with less than half of his family and not a present in sight. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, but then, their lives never did turn out as hoped or dreamed.

Killian swallowed and forced a smile. It was Christmas and they all needed to try and be happy on this day.

Blackbeard watched his little brother’s face and he knew that this wasn’t the holiday celebration Killian needed or wanted, but there was little that any of them could do about it. Blackbeard wished more than anything that he could fix this and make everything right for their family, but he had a gut feeling no Christmas miracles would be performed tonight. He wished that one would happen though. If only for his little brother and nephew’s sakes.

Killian took baby Liam from Tink’s arms and bounced him, causing the baby to giggle even more. “Happy Christmas, little one.”

“Happy Christmas!” Tipsy Alice and Will shouted, before being reduced to giggles.

Tink couldn’t help but be infected by their mood, despite the fact that she herself hadn’t touched the acquired alcohol. It wasn’t what she expected for Christmas, but it was nice to have her lover, friends, her adorable nephew, and a fire with drink and good food. She couldn’t ask for more than that.

She turned to Blackbeard and saw how intently he was watching Killian with baby Liam. Was he going to keep his word and tell Killian and Will the truth after the New Year? Or was he going to tell them sooner? Or was he going to change his mind? From the look on his face, it was hard for Tink to tell. She hoped that he would still tell Killian and Will. They deserved that much, even if it only incurred their anger. Though Tink was certain that their initial anger wouldn’t last long….okay, she wasn’t completely certain, since Killian was the grandmaster grudge-holder and  Will possibly inherited that trait, but she hoped that she was right. It was only fair for the truth to be completely put out there.

Blackbeard could feel Tink watching him and he had a feeling that she was wondering about if he was still going to tell Killian and Will the truth. He was resolved to do just that, but as of right now, he was concerned for Killian’s pain. His little brother could never hide his emotions all that well; his heart had always been on his sleeve, vulnerable for people to grab at and rip it to shreds. That was what often inspired Blackbeard’s overbearing protective instincts when they were children, and even still when they were adults in the Navy. And right now, his brother was in pain, and he had no idea how to fix it.

Killian wasn’t sure his jovial tone was covering up his true emotions as he joked around with Will, but at least Alice and Will were tipsy enough not to notice. He was sure that Blackbeard and Tink weren’t fooled though. Blackbeard, especially. If his suspicions were correct, and Blackbeard was indeed his brother, then it only made sense. Killian had never been able to hide a damn thing from his brother. No matter how hard he tried, Liam just always knew. He often wondered if it was a Liam thing or just a big brother thing, but over his lifetime, he figured out that it was a Liam knew him so well thing. Blackbeard was looking at him with worry filling every line of his face (a face that, despite being hidden by an unkempt and dirty beard and framed by wild curls, was looking more and more familiar the longer that Killian knew Blackbeard), in a way that was so achingly like Liam, Killian wasn’t sure that he could deny it any longer.

But then that begged the question: should he confront Blackbeard about his identity, or should he let Blackbeard come to him?

Would Blackbeard even try to come to him? Would he ever reveal the truth? Or would Killian have to force his hand?

Killian wasn’t sure, and at the moment, it wasn’t something that he wanted to worry about. It was Christmas, and he wanted nothing more than to forget his worries. He wanted to forget that Emma wasn’t by his side, holding their son and talking happily with her parents. He wanted to forget that Henry wasn’t running around with his friends and excited to open up all of his presents. He wanted to forget that this wasn’t how Liam’s first Christmas was supposed to be.

So pushing all thoughts of Blackbeard’s identity, Emma and Henry’s absence, and what should’ve beens out of his head, Killian took a sip from Will’s offered flask and let himself enjoy the company.

Everyone was getting drunk and Ruby wished like hell she was them. Unfortunately, it took a lot more than four glasses of wine to take her to the current state of revelry. She grabbed a fifth glass.

Even Granny was tipsy by this point, and most everyone else was drunk.

It seemed like Belle and Mulan were the only people even attempting to stay sober, with Mulan struggling to keep up with the very exuberantly drunk Aurora, and Belle keeping a slightly tipsy Regina company.

Snow and David weren’t too drunk, likely due to the idea that, as leaders, they needed to set an example, but they were certainly tipsy. At least they weren’t all over each other, yet. It seemed like Snow had taken Ruby’s advice though, as all day, Snow and David had actually been more of a couple than they had since before Neverland.

August and Jefferson were stealing the spotlight of the party though. They were having a drunken sing off with the dwarves that no one was winning, and the bad, off-key screeching they were all attempting only made Ruby want to drink more.

Everyone else was drunk enough to love it or not care.

“Put everyone in a room with alcohol and they all go crazy.” Ruby muttered as she walked over to where Belle and Regina sat.

“Would you mind it if I took away your boyfriend’s voice?” Regina asked as Ruby sat down. “Temporarily, of course. His drunken singing is giving me a headache that has me hankering for a hangover.”

“I’d say be my guest, but that might piss him off.” Ruby said. “He already hates you enough as it is.”

“Not that I don’t deserve it.” Regina added, her tone solemn.

“You’ve been doing real well, though.” Belle reassured. “The heart vault is half empty now.”

“And much less creepy.” Ruby remarked with a biting tone.  

Belle gave her a stern look, while Regina resisted the urge to glare at the she-wolf.

“Since you’re obviously not getting as drunk as you want to be, you might as well tell us what’s going on.” Regina snapped. She might be trying to reform, but she sure as hell wasn’t going to let anyone think they could use her as a punching bag for their own shit.

Ruby huffed, looking over her shoulder at Jefferson, who had moved to table dancing with August while they belted out “Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer.”

“Ah, relationship troubles.” Belle nodded.

Ruby didn’t respond to Belle’s statement, which probably wasn’t the best ides since when she turned back to them, both Belle and Regina were looking at her expectantly. “I’m not in the mood to discuss my relationship issues.” Ruby growled.

“Talking about them always helps.” Belle said.

At Ruby’s glare, Belle amended her statement. “Well, usually helps.”

Taking a hefty sip of her wine, Ruby wondered how she could tell them her problems when she couldn’t even talk to Snow about it. She and Belle were friends, but they hadn’t gotten the chance to become close. As for Regina…well Ruby didn’t think Regina was capable of anything more than a snide comment.

But then maybe they would also be more objective than Snow would be. Besides, it couldn’t hurt to get advice from new sources.

Ruby glanced back at Jefferson before sighing and facing them. “So, something changed between us while Operation Swan Rescue was going on. It was a good change, but then the reverse curse happened, and I…I don’t feel like it’s the right time for change.”

Belle’s brows furrowed. “How did you feel before the curse?”

“I was really happy.” Ruby said.

“That sounds about right.” Regina sighed. “The curse was all about taking away happy endings, and now reversing it seems to have done the same thing.”

“Can you fix it?” Ruby asked wryly.

“Believe me, I would if I could.” Regina said.

“So, the problem is what exactly?” Belle asked. “You were happy with this change, but now you’re not. Is it because we’re back in the Enchanted Forest?”

“I don’t know, maybe?” Ruby shrugged. “I just…the change doesn’t feel right, right now. Storybrooke…it was home and all of our friends and family were all there. The Enchanted Forest…it’s just…it’s like our whole lives were ripped from us again, and now…now we’re just supposed to rebuild lives that aren’t ours anymore?”

Belle and Regina felt sympathetic to Ruby’s words. They had all grown too comfortable in Storybrooke.

“Have you talked to Jefferson about it?”

Ruby winced at Belle’s question. “I’ve…been avoiding him.”

“That’s never the best solution.” Regina said.

“Agreed.” Belle nodded. “You know, the biggest problem in my relationship with…with Rumple was that he was never honest with me, and that he kept secrets. A relationship needs communication and honesty in order to survive.”

“I know.” Ruby sighed. “I just…I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Avoiding him is hurting him.” Regina told her. “Though, to be fair, he should make just as much of an effort. Has he?”

“He’s tried to talk, but I felt like he was pushing for something that I can’t give him right now.” Ruby swirled what little wine was left in her glass, her expression solemn.

“Maybe you should talk to him.” Regina suggested. “But I think you should really analyze your own feelings and figure out what’s best for you.”

Ruby hated the fact that that was actually valid advice and from Regina of all people. “Um, thanks…Regina.”

“You sound surprised that I can actually give sound advice.” Regina seemed a little put out by that, even if she was glaring.

“Well you’re not known for being soft-hearted.” Ruby stated.

Regina’s shoulders slumped. “I know.”

Ruby felt bad for her attitude. “Seriously, thank you.”

The sincerity in Ruby’s tone had Regina sitting up a little straighter.

Belle smiled. “I propose we set aside our worries now. It’s Christmas Eve, and it’s time for us to enjoy ourselves.”

Ruby chuckled. “Here, here. Let’s get drunk and dance.” She and Belle stood ready to do just that, but Ruby stopped when Regina stayed where she was. “Come on, Regina. It’s no fun to be the only sober person.”

Regina cracked a genuine smile. “No it’s not.”

The three women walked together towards the alcohol and liveliness and Christmas Eve was not too terrible anymore.

Emma thought that once they reached their preteens, children were supposed to get bratty, not still use the puppy pout. As it was, Henry was giving her full on puppy dog eyes.

“Please, mom?” Henry begged. “Just one present tonight, please?”

Emma inwardly winced. Man, the kid was not letting up, and how could she say no to her pleading son who had a face like that? “Fine, but just one.” Her tone was as stern as she could muster, which wasn’t very stern at all.

Henry whooped before descending on the tree, digging through the presents, eyeing each one carefully as though he needed to pick the absolute right present to open up early. He couldn’t make the wrong choice after all.

Sitting back on the couch, Emma scrolled through Netflix to find one last movie to watch before she sent Henry off to bed.

As she did that, she didn’t notice Henry pausing his search to look at her with concern. He knew how unhappy his mom had been, no matter how she tried to hide it. A thoughtful look came upon his face. Maybe he shouldn't be the only one to open a present tonight. Quickly, Henry grabbed one of his presents before reaching in the back where he hid one of the presents that he made for his mom.

Emma started when a present dropped in her lap. “What’s this?”

“Your present.” Henry told her, a bit nervous. “I made it.”

“Henry, you didn’t have to get me anything.” Emma said, touched by his kindness.

“It’s Christmas.” Henry shrugged, opening his present. “Everyone deserves a present.”

Emma smiled warmly. How did she ever get so lucky as to have such a great kid? She certainly never had a role model for parenting, but she must’ve done something right with Henry along the way.

Henry finished unwrapping his gift and cheered at the sight of a new video game. “Can I play it tonight?”

Emma looked up from her present to see a much younger boy with blue eyes and raven hair. “Please, mama?” The boy asked, dimples flashing, as if he were trying to charm her, much like his father.

A man’s low laughter reached her ears and she felt warmth in her chest.

She looked to her right where she felt the man’s laughter, but nothing was there.

“Mom?” Henry’s voice broke through her trance.

Emma turned to see Henry again, his face full of worry. Blinking, she nodded. “Um, yeah, kid. But only for one hour. Just one hour.” She actually managed to sound really stern.

“But it’s Christmas…” Henry said.

“And you already suckered me into letting you open up a present early.” Emma told him, amused at his attempts to stay up late. “One hour, then shower, then bed. Got it, kid?”

“Okay, mom.” Henry chuckled. “Your turn.”

Emma gently picked up the rectangular present that seemed to be the size of a journal. “What is it?”

Henry gave her a look. “Come on, mom. You have to open it.”

Shaking her head, Emma pulled the wrapping paper apart. It was a sketchbook, and as Emma opened it up, she found typed up words pasted to illustrations. “What’s this?”

“I’ve been having some weird dreams since we moved.” Henry shrugged. “So I decided to write them down, and then I figured that the stories might cheer you up.”

Emma winced at the confirmation that Henry knew how sad she’d been. She had tried so hard to hide it, but her kid knew her too well. Then she realized what else he said. He’d been having weird dreams ever since they got here. Just as she had. That was odd. Just what had he been dreaming about?
 “Do you like it?” Henry’s tone was nervous again.

Her eyes watered. “Henry, I absolutely love it. It’s the best present I’ve ever gotten.” She pulled him into a tight hug. “Thank you.”

“Merry Christmas, mom.” Henry smiled.

Emma just held him tighter, her flash, or whatever it was, disappeared from her mind. “Merry Christmas, Henry.”

Laughter echoed through the woods as Alice finished telling the group about the time Will got propositioned by The Dormouse.

“In me defense, we were both veeeery drunk.” Will slurred.

“You weren’t that drunk.” Alice chuckled.

Will pouted as more laughter followed Alice’s words. Then his face lit up. “Killian!”

Killian chuckled at Will’s drunkenness, though he tried to contain the rumble in his chest so as not to disturb Liam, who was dozing off despite the noise. “Yes, Will?”

“Ya need taaa siiiing.” Will drew out. “S’not Christmas without music.”

“I think you’re too drunk.” Killian shook his head. “No one wants my singing.”

“S’not fair ya sing to Liam.” Will pouted even more.

“Come on Killy!” Drunk Alice giggled. “Sing!”

Killian rolled his eyes.

“Get into the holiday spirit.” Tink added, amused at the entire exchange.

Blackbeard was amused as well but kept his comments, if he had any, to himself.

“I don’t think so.” Killian shrugged, his face tinged with a bashful pink.

A chorus of  “please” rang out.

Killian sighed. “All right, fine, you children.” He just had to think of what to sing. He wasn’t in the mood for a cheery song, Christmas aside, and he didn’t want to completely drag everyone down by singing Blue Christmas. Still, what was a somber Christmas song? Thinking over it for a moment, Killian figured that one of his favorites would do. Clearing his throat, Killian began to sing. “Have yourself a merry little Christmas….let your heart be light. From now on, our troubled will be out of sight….”

As Killian sung, his tone and expression somber, Blackbeard could only remember their mother. How often had she sung to him and Killian after she had to leave their father behind? He remembered her solemn expression every time. Their father had absolutely loved to hear their mother sing, and her singing was the only thing that ever soothed Killian when he was fussy. She used to say that Killian just missed his papa, but Blackbeard always thought that she missed their father and just said Killian did in order to express her own feelings as she tried to stay strong for her sons.

Even after centuries, Blackbeard still ached with loss over his dear mother. She was one of the strongest, bravest, and fiercest woman he had ever known, and she gave her life to protect her sons. He had often wished that he had hidden Killian and gone back to help his mother. Rationally, he knew that he would’ve ended up dead with their mother and Killian would’ve been alone or even worse, died from exposure, but the little boy who put on a brave face and took his little brother from his mother’s arms, still longed for their mother. He spent many nights with a crying baby brother wishing that their parents were with them. Wishing that they could’ve had a happy family before Calypso took that away from them. Even during his darkest days though, he knew that his mother would’ve wanted him to be strong and brave, for Killian’s sake, and so he forged on and found foster parents for them, and made a life for himself. He did lose Killian along the way, but he never stopped searching for him, and when he found him again, he vowed never to let his brother go again. Then Pan came along with his schemes, and for three hundred years, Blackbeard lost himself to his mask, becoming a person that Liam Robert Jones would not recognize.

Hell, no one had known him better than Killian James Jones, and now, here they sat across from each other as strangers and reluctant allies.

How disappointed would his mother be? How would she feel looking upon her sons now? Killian was at least a hero, but he had three hundred years of piracy under him, and Blackbeard didn’t even know what the truth was having only heard the legends of Captain Hook, Pirate King of the Seven Seas. Their father would certainly be amused at such a title. It was partly why Blackbeard never wanted to come across Captain Hook. Anyone who had such a fierce reputation as he had should've surely not been someone to mess with. Lo and behold, it was his beloved baby brother all this time. Redemption aside, there must be terrible things in Killian’s past that would’ve broken their mother’s heart.

He was no better. He let a psychopathic teenager control his life for just as long a time with nary a protest. He earned the Blackbeard moniker and reputation just as he was sure Killian earned the Hook one.

Though, he did feel like his mother would be amused that both her sons became pirates just as she and Davy had. The Dread Pirate Roberts and Davy Jones, the parents of Blackbeard and Captain Hook. A family of pirates.

And what a family it would’ve been.

Blackbeard returned his attention to the present as Killian closed his song.

Will and Alice were contentedly snuggled together.

Tink was staring at him, but blushed and looked away when he caught her.

Killian was looking down at a sleeping Liam as the last sung word left his lips.

Oh how mother would’ve loved you both. Blackbeard thought. She would’ve adored Emma and Henry as well. He looked up at the stars. I hope that you’re watching over us, mum. And Emma and Henry. I hope you’re also proud of Killian. He may not have been at his best for a long time, but you would be proud of him. I also hope that despite all of the mistakes I’ve made, that you’re still watching over me too. I love you, mum. Merry Christmas.

George watched the festivities from his dark corner, a malicious sneer on his face. Did they really think this celebration was going to raise morale?

Ha. All he saw were a bunch of drunks hellbent on forgetting their sorrows. It was pathetic. They were all pathetic.

It was just another reason for him to be in charge. If he could make a power play now, he would. In their drunken states they wouldn’t fight or die stupidly trying. Unfortunately, David and Snow had all of the allies and could throw him in a cell again, leaving him to rot.  

Fury rolled through his blood.

David was so weak, yet he was in charge. He was king. He was nothing more than a shepherd and here he was herding the sheep into believing that he was a capable leader.

That man was no more capable of leading than George was of herding. David had stolen everything from George, and he was going to pay.

For now, George could sit idly by. He needed to plan carefully, and ensure that he could find a sure way to defeat David and Snow once and for all.

He was going to get his kingdom and his crown back, and he was going to destroy everything David held dear before killing the man himself.

The Dark One’s library had an untold number of tomes on dark magic. Every book a magical being could need was here.

None held Zelena’s attention.

She drifted about the library aimlessly, her thoughts a scattered mess.

Rumple was caged for now and mostly kept to himself. If she entered the room, he would snarl at her and watch her from time to time, but it was mostly muttering that she couldn’t make heads or tails of.

“No room!” He would shout, then going on to mutter things like “All the voices in my head will be quiet when I’m dead.”

Honestly, it scared her. Supposedly Rumple had died, and now…something or someone brought him back, but he wasn’t the Dark One she had known. He was…broken.

A lot like she was. Broken souls do tend to find each other, she supposed. It must be all the tragedies they faced.

Zelena shook herself. It was Yule, she should be happy. Then again, who was ever happy on a holiday when they were alone with no one to love and no one to share it with? Closing her eyes, she lent against a shelf, uncaring that the dust from the books and shelves would get on her clothes and in her hair.

They never celebrated Yule in Oz. Not after her adoptive mother died. Before she died, they always had a small tree and her mother scraped for months in order to afford not one, but two gifts for Zelena. Sometimes both presents would be homemade. One year her mother knitted her the prettiest green and pink scarf and a matching knit cap. Another year her mother had managed to buy enough material for two new dresses. Oh she had cried out of joy over those beautiful dresses her mother made her. Zelena had outgrown them much too soon for her liking.

Then there were the years where one present would be bought from the market. A new pair of shoes or a new cloak. Oh she had been given a dazzling emerald green cloak one year. She wore it long after she outgrew it to the point where it was more a shawl than a cloak.

After her mother died, her father never celebrated anything again. The first Yule season after her mother passed, Zelena made the mistake of asking her father when they would be picking out a tree and he had slapped her. He told her that holidays were for children, not monsters. They never celebrated anything again. She flinched at the memory, her hand going to her cheek almost feeling the slap again, even after all these years.

She very much longed for those happier times when her mother lived. At least then, she had been able to ignore her father’s hatred of her.

Her birthmother gave her up, her adoptive father hated her, her mentor chose her sister over her, the witches chose Dorothy, and her sister, the only family she had left, wanted nothing to do with her.

What was wrong with her? Why was she so hard to love? Was she only born so that people could have something to hate?

Sniffing, Zelena hastily wiped away her tears. Monsters aren’t supposed to cry after all. Monsters are supposed to feel nothing.

Yet, she felt so unloved and unwanted, her legs gave out, and she curled into herself. Her head buried itself in her arms as she sobbed, wracked with loneliness and despair for if a monster feels pain then it feels pain alone where no one can see it, for no one can ever feel sympathy for a monster.

“Okay, into bed we go.” Ruby huffed, trying to gently get the heaping drunk of her fiancé into bed.

Jefferson muttered something unintelligible as he plopped face first into his pillow.

Ruby sighed. “Why did you have to drink so much?”

It was a rhetorical question, but Jefferson rolled over to face her. “I was tryin’ to have fun.” His words slurred together enough that Ruby wasn’t certain what he said, but she nodded anyway.

“Well it’s time for bed.” Ruby said. “Sleep it off. You’ll feel terrible in the morning.”

“I always feel terrible.” His words were clearer this time.

Ruby pulled off his shoes, eyebrows drawn together. “What do you mean?” As soon as the words left her, a feeling of dread settled in her gut.

“You won’t talk to me.” Jefferson mumbled. “Grace won’t talk to me. We aren’t a family anymore.” Tears fell from the corner of his eyes. “You don’t have to marry me anymore if you don’t want to.”

She jerked back as if he slapped her. “What?”

“You don’t have to marry me.” Jefferson was almost asleep.

Ruby sat down next to him. “Jeff, I do want to marry you.”

He didn’t seem to hear her.

Ruby brushed back his wild hair, her own tears falling. “I love you and Grace. We are a family.” She took a deep, shaky breath. “I am so, so sorry. I just…this place isn’t our home anymore. It doesn’t feel right to continue on with our lives as if nothing major happened.”

Wiping at her eyes, Ruby stood, determination in her bones. “I promise, I will make things right.” She bent down and kissed his forehead. “I’m going to go check on Grace, and tomorrow, we will be a family again.”

Jefferson turned over in his sleep.

Ruby left the room with a heavy heart, hoping that he and Grace would forgive her in the morning.

Aurora was a bubbly drunk that couldn’t sit still and Mulan swore that the princess would never be allowed alcohol again. She struggled with the princess numerous times, ending up with carrying Aurora bridal style once she could drag her away from a suit of armor that she swore was her new best friend Percy.

Still Aurora struggled and whined about wanting to stay up later.

Mulan was exhausted. How did alcohol give Aurora so much energy?

Finally, Mulan managed to get them to Aurora’s room. Diana was in the care of some older ladies, led by Granny, who all took care of the children while the adults partied, so the room was empty and quiet.

“I don’t wanna go to bed.” Aurora pouted.

“Trust me, you do.” Mulan sighed.

Aurora wrapped her arms tighter around Mulan’s neck, burying her face against Mulan’s shoulder. “No.”

Mulan stiffened at the contact, a flush rising in her cheeks. “Um, yes?” Shaking herself, Mulan walked over to the bed and gently dropped Aurora, but the princess’s grip on her only pulled the warrior over her. “Aurora, you need to let me go.”

A secret smile played on her lips. “I don’t want to let you go.”

The seriousness of Aurora’s tone had Mulan looking at her confused, before lips pressed against hers. It wasn’t a sloppy kiss expected of a drunk, but the gentle caress of a lover who had been waiting for the right moment to kiss the person they loved.

Aurora kissed her deeply, her hands cupping Mulan’s head, pulling her in for another kiss. Her lips were insistent against Mulan’s, and the warrior weakened in response, returning the kiss gently.

Mulan’s head caught up with her actions, her heart racing in her chest, stomach in knots. She pulled away, pushing Aurora away. “You’re drunk.”

“I wanted to kiss you sober.” Aurora giggled. “I was scared.”

Instead of a verbal response, Mulan stood and walked towards the door.

“Wait.” Aurora called softly, a bit of a whine in her tone. “Stay.”

Mulan realized something in that moment: she wanted to stay, and had Aurora been sober, she would’ve. “Goodnight, Aurora.”

After the door shut, Aurora kept calling for Mulan until she fell asleep.

The tent remained warm even as the tent flap remained open. Killian was impressed with Regina’s little charm. It certainly allowed for him and Liam to enjoy watching the snow falling, the moonlight reflecting against the white, brightening the darkness around them.  

Liam was entranced by the snow, remaining more still and quiet than Killian had ever seen him. His little blue eyes held wonder as the little bits of white fell from the sky.

It was nice to have a quiet moment with his son.

The others had long gone to bed, but Killian couldn’t sleep. He missed Emma and Henry too much, and celebrating Christmas without them was only painful for him. It wasn’t right that Liam’s first Christmas was spent without them either.

Killian sighed, causing the baby to look up at him. “Do you miss your mother and brother as much as I do?”

A whimper escaped Liam just as a feeling of sadness seeped into Killian’s heart.

“Of course, you do.” Killian gently caressed Liam’s head. “I wish they were here. You’re mother would like this moment. The quiet and the snow, you in her arms, her in mine.” He looked up at the sky. The clouds blocked the stars a bit, so Killian couldn’t properly wish upon one.

A tired sound alerted him, and he looked back down at his sleepy son.

“Would you like me to sing?” Killian asked.

Liam gurgled. He always wanted Killian to sing.

A small smile tugged at Killian’s lips. “Have yourself a merry little Christmas…let your heart be light. From now on, our troubled will be out of sight….Have yourself a merry little Christmas…make the Yuletide gay….From now on, our troubles will be miles away…Here we are as in olden days…happy golden days of yore….Faithful friends who are dear to us…gather near to us once more….Through the years we all will be together…if the fates allow….So hang a shining star upon the highest bough…and have yourself a merry little Christmas now…”

As Liam’s eyes closed at the sound of his father’s voice, a realm away, his mother remained awake.

As Emma read through her Christmas present, she realized that Henry’s book was very similar to her dreams. There was a pirate, her True Love, who was none other than Captain Hook. Captain Hook as her True Love? Her son had quite the imagination, but thankfully he lacked the perm and mustache in Henry’s version.

In her dreams, she loved a pirate but she never saw if he had a hook for a hand. She was too captivated by his eyes. They were so blue, sometimes Emma thought they were photoshopped.

Henry’s book also had Snow White and Prince Charming as her parents. She was fairly certain that Disney’s Prince Charming belonged to Cinderella, snorting at the image of animated Snow White and Cinderella having a knock out drag out over him. But still, like her dreams, she had parents in Henry’s little handmade book that had given her up for her best chance. They hadn’t wanted to give her up.

Emma lost count of how many nights in her life that she wished upon a star for those kind of parents. Parents who loved her and wanted her.

There were other fairy tale characters too. Little Red Riding Hood was the Big Bad Wolf, and so was her grandmother.

It was as if Henry took every tale he loved and spun it into something new.

Yet, Emma dreamed of these people too. How could Henry know? She never told him about her dreams, only ever writing them in her journal, but she hid that in the closet, on a shelf Henry couldn’t reach. It was an extreme hideaway, but Emma really didn’t want Henry to know how she was feeling. She worried he would become burdened by the knowledge and try to take care of her. He was the kid, not her, and he was hers to care for and to put first above everything else.

Maybe she could ask him tomorrow morning….

Her thought trailed off as warmth surrounded her, a voice whispering in her ear, like the caress of someone who loved her dearly.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas…let your heart be light….From now on, our troubles will be out of sight….Have yourself a merry little Christmas….Make the Yuletide gay…

It was his voice again. The one that she heard in her dreams, in the flash she had earlier. Why was she always hearing this voice? Was she going crazy?

Yet as he kept singing in her ear, Emma could only lean back into her pillows, more relaxed than she had been in a while, his voice lulling her into sleep. Her arms clutched Henry’s present to her chest as her eyes closed, her dream lover’s voice the last sound she heard before her dreams claimed her.

[pleasedontgethurt]

Why are you posting all that personal shit on tumblr? It's always vague, not enough for anyone to actually give you support or help. It's like nothing positive ever comes out. Leaves me personally feeling drained from reading it. I'd like to help somehow but god, you are just negative over everything and never give enough info for anyone to try and make a difference. I don't want to unfollow you, because you are a good writer, but this stuff is just idk, a lot.

First off, I want to sincerely apologize. You are perfectly right, and I don’t blame you. I understand your frustrations, probably better than you can even imagine.

I put my personal shit under read-mores and tag them for the reason that people who don’t want to see them don’t need to see them. If they upset you, feel free to ignore them. I will not think less of you.

I post them here because it’s the only way I have to deal with them, basically. I have no people in real life to talk about them, and I probably wouldn’t even be able to talk about them, given my issues. And I understand they are overly vague – that is on purpose– and negative, which then is sadly something out of my control. It’s either post them here or go slowly crazy at this point. I also understand you’d probably want to see more positive things but sadly, there just… isn’t a lot of positive things going on, and at this point of my mental issues, finding positive things to post to begin with often requires energy I simply do not have. I’m sorry. I promise to try better, but sadly I can’t promise this will end any time soon.

If you want to help me (which I think is very sweet of you), you are free to talk to me via IM. It’s a sad fact though that there’s only so many people I trust, so opening up fully is sadly, really difficult for me, and this is not least due to my anxiety issues that make me literally afraid of everyone. In fact, I keep the details vague to begin with due to the very same anxiety issues. It’s just that sharing anything more feels intensively wrong somehow and I’m not very comfortable with the idea of doing it, not after a certain point anyway, if I’m being honest.

However, I do think people who have reached out to me and tried to help, even with the little info I have provided, have made a difference and have been of actual help. See, these are the kind of things that are not fixed by snapping your fingers. Advice will only help me so far. Emotional support and prayers are the only things I could ask from any of you, and that is possible even with the little info I’ve provided. If I could be certain there was no negative consequences of posting more detailed descriptions of what’s going on, I might do it, but as I’m certain there are people who’d find that annoying too, let alone those who’d find reasons to hold those things against me, I refrain from doing it.

Do you understand my problem? I’m darned if I do, I’m darned if I don’t.

I’m sorry. I really am. Nothing of this is meant to be a burden on anyone or anything. I just find these things extremely difficult to talk about through any other means. Just please note that there are no requirements for you to take everything I say overly seriously, like you don’t have to think it meant I was about to die or something, because that is not the case. Most of the time it’s just about me letting off some steam. They are real issues and they upset me, but letting them out usually helps at least to some degree, so usually it means I’m probably feeling at least a tiny bit better after posting what I did than I did before.

Lastly, I want to thank you for the compliment that you think I’m a good writer and have been worth following for. I value you as my follower and I thank you for sending me this message. I’m truly sorry for all of this, but it’s sadly not something I can help much, at least for now. I thank you for your patience and understanding.