#idk the wanting. the wanting i understand. find compelling in a relatable way. i just don't like romantic relationships lol

[callixton]

genuinely what happened to make me so romance repulsed. i was not always like this

[canmom]

reading Brainwyrms by Alison Rumfitt. it's interesting. clearly part of the post-Topside wave of trans lit, with the same 'plugged in to twitter' energy, but way more British about it. which means most of the allusions are very transparent to me. it's a combo of... hardcore kink driven romance as the main arc, in a near-future setting in which TERFism goes further to the point of outright bombings, and a scifi element with alien brain parasites that it's gradually building towards.

compellingly written, I'll give it that for sure - I lay down to read for a bit and before I knew it I'd read like a third of the book. the main character's disaffected, traumatised air is well observed, and the kink doesn't hold back.

I think my reservation with it so far is that it feels a little too much like a polemic blog post about the way things are going. the MC Frankie is a trans woman with a pregnancy kink who survived a bombing at a GIC and now works in social media moderation - it's all stuff that is blatantly Relevant To The Argument, as it were. it's tricky to criticise it for that because it's like, what you're saying is that it's tightly constructed and thematically consistent and that's bad somehow? but I think I've come to feel that I like fiction to bring me something a little new and unfamiliar.

the chapter I most enjoyed so far was actually a more metaphorical, abstract interlude, in which resistance to fascism is cast as becoming 'one mass of queer flesh, which now grabbed and clawed...'; 'faces locked in kisses until they became one face. the cops would try to pull at this mass, but to no avail'. very 'faggots and their friends between revolutions' stuff.

the chapters which are presented directly as social media posts and articles are also sharply observed. i think a lot of fiction in which the internet features heavily suffers from not understanding the internet very well (Hosoda's Belle for example), but for example the chapter 'Curious Cat' where an anonymous person (blatantly Vanya) is sending messages asking for help with a parasite, and getting rebuffed or misunderstood, and the chapter where Frankie relates a murder of an instagram model by a stalker who posts about it to a reddit community devoted to her, read as very real.

a lot of the story is about responding to a terrifying political situation in sexual terms - a flashback chapter depicting Frankie having sex with some terf's pretentious brother ("with each thrust from him, she thought to herself, I am a traitor, I am a traitor to the cause"), or the preface which jokes about how in another world the author would be writing 'cool horror stories about vampires raping werewolves, ones with no subtext at all'. I prevaricate a little on whether this is a compelling examination of a theme that I do find interesting (the mysterious origins of sexual desire) or just edgy for its own sake.

this is an odd novel for me in some ways because while on one level, this is about people who I could very easily be a single degree of separation from were they real, it's also about a facet of life that is still quite alien to me and in many ways I only know about second hand. I've never been to a kink club (that wasn't in an MMO anyway lol), I'm way too much of a nerdy autist shut-in to know what it's like to be someone who would feel put out if she hadn't had sex in a week. so even before the parasite stuff, it's hard to know how much of Frankie and Vanya's stuff is real, and how much is fantasy. is this really how things go between people? it sounds kinda fun, but unlocking the door this far has already taken years.

when I've read books about the crazy lives that American trans girls supposedly live and interesting sex they're apparently having, they've been at a certain remove, the other side of the Atlantic. and this book feels sort of similar, even though I know it's set right on my doorstep. idk, I've never been good at this.

anyway I don't think I want to write fantasy novels so directly about The Discourse of the day, but it's probably good that someone is. that said, it's hard to parse like... ok, it's titled brainwyrms, and 'brain worms' is a common way of describing an obsessive, cultish idea you receive from the internet.

and like if you look at the newspapers, or twitter trans discourse, you certainly could believe that this country is on a rapid slide to putting us in camps. however, my day to day life has been... it's not without hostility, but the average street harasser isn't doing it because of a Guardian or even Mail article. this country has a subculture of deranged weirdos who hate our guts, and a political class who will happily stoke culture war shit to score points, but most normies I've met don't care one way or another that I'm trans - they might mention a family member or friend they know who's also trans. the day to day conflicts are over way more prosaic shit, the landlord vs tenant forever war, or how the kitchen should be cleaned. which of these windows is more informative of the 'overall' state of affairs? not that a more violent terf cult is a bad premise to write a novel around, but a sense of impending doom is a pretty powerful mechanism to keep you scrolling, right?

like in 20, 40 years - will the terfs really be bombing the Tavistock and banning transness, as Rumfitt imagines in her near-future setting preface? or will they go the way of those newspapers in Thatcher's time who smeared the gay movement, just as they smear us today? of passing political obsessions like 'new atheism'? I don't know the half-life of cult shit.

anyway, time to read the rest of the novel, and see how it handles this brew that it's concocted.

[fernsnailz]

February 2024 Review Roundup

well i sure did watch some stuff and read one book this month

the things i finished this month reminded me that for every incredible piece of art i find myself enjoying, i end up watching some Hot Garbage immediately after to balance things out again. idk why i do this.

i have quite a bit to say about both the things i enjoyed and the things that brought me physical pain this month, so there is um. a lot under the cut. any previous desire for brevity i had in january has been completely thrown out the window as i use these roundups as an outlet to gush about things i like and complain about things i didn't. fair warning, if you open the readmore you will be scrolling for a while. enjoy i guess

House of Leaves

does any other book out there have the balls to write a completely fake interview with stephen king

House of Leaves is a novel you gotta throw around a little bit. It feels really weird that my copy is still in the pristine state I bought it in - It seems like it should have water damage and smell like mildew with its pages falling out and spine cracked into pieces. Getting the full story from this book requires flipping back and forth, turning it around, searching for answers. All things considered it’s not that difficult of a read, but its format still allows you to feel like you’re discovering every hidden piece for yourself, and I really liked that interactivity. I was engaged pretty much the whole way through.

I don’t really think I’ll be able to revisit this book anytime soon though. It’s difficult for me to format what else I’d like to say about it because to be honest, it caught me off guard and disturbed me on a fairly personal level. There’s a relief I feel when I remember that I don’t actually know what was going on with the house - maybe that was intentional on the book’s behalf, maybe I just didn’t look hard enough for answers. I don’t know. But the implication that something divine was down there was enough of an answer for me. The book's good. read it if you want a spooooooky time or if you never want to look at a hallway the same way again

Doctor Who (Series 1-4) (rewatch)

ok so this is a fuckload of doctor who to cover so i’m gonna give some thoughts on a few of the characters and my favorite + least favorite episodes

9th doctor: My favorite butch lesbian. Christopher Eccleston truly embodies the concept of The Doctor so, so well: otherworldly guy who knows too much, genuinely cares about life across the universe, and also has a bit of deep, unresolved rage. His moments of joy and careless fun stick with me the most, he absolutely radiates with life and brings so much to this character.

Rose: I first watched Doctor Who when I was in middle school, and I didn’t like Rose that much back then. And guys. I have bad news. I'm still not really much of a Rose fan

I definitely understood her more this watch through - that desire for adventure and some sort of control over her life, emotions so strong that she’s willing to throw near everything away. That’s just what being 19 is like sometimes. I think Rose is a very compelling character who just happens to frustrate me a bit. And that’s kinda the point, her co-dependent relationship with the Doctor is doomed to fail and it's meant to hurt. Ultimately, I think when I first watched the show I was too young to understand Rose, and now I’m just too old to relate to her.

Captain Jack: Jack is my favorite character. I fucking love this guy. Dude has the worst luck in the whole universe and still cannot be stopped. Legendary. Every episode with him is a goddamn delight because he has so much chemistry with every single cast member. No notes 10/10 i love my problematic bisexual king

10th doctor: About four episodes into David Tennant’s run I realized that he dresses like a Hazbin Hotel character and it made me very sad. Still, there’s a reason this guy inspired every middle schooler to buy a pair of converse in 2008. He has style, he has depth, he’s got the sauce. It’s genuinely terrifying to see his anger, I like that a lot of 10’s run is about his denial of godhood and power over life in the universe, something that the rest of the time lords desired. idk i like my sad pathetic little weasel but he's also a huge fucking asshole sometimes which sucks. especially when it's directed at Martha.

Martha: Martha I am so sorry for what this show put you through. Martha was my favorite companion when I first watched the show, and I still have a huge soft spot for her. Her ability to hold her own and navigate foreign worlds using her own intelligence absolutely rules, and her drive forward is unbreakable. But the show seems to put her down at every possible opportunity, most notably with how 10 treats her. Her struggles and wants are constantly ignored, and she's often treated as a rebound from Rose. And I like that she eventually chooses to end it by not traveling with 10 anymore, but it hurts because it feels like she was never given the same chance or care that Rose and Donna were. This era of Doctor Who really doesn’t treat its black companions well because Mickey goes through something similar - both Martha and Mickey are characters designed to be ignored or left behind, and it sucks.

Donna: Donna Noble is one of the greatest fictional characters to ever exist. Despite seemingly living a fairly average life and working a fairly average job, Donna reflects the idea that no one is truly "average" and every single person is brimming with personality, life, and love. I love that her relationship with 10 is purely platonic, personally their friendship feels like it has a lot more depth than either of the romance-oriented relationships 10 had with Rose and Martha. 10 and Donna bounce off of each other so well and it's delightful, Donna brings so much humor and life to every world she's taken to and it's incredible. I wish her and Captain Jack could have interacted more.

My favorite episode: The Runaway Bride is hard to not choose as my favorite. I have a blast every time I watch this episode and it’s such a good introduction for Donna. Also the Tardis car chase kills me, I love when it cuts to the kids in the back of another car clapping and cheering. I was also surprised by the episode Midnight - it’s dreadful to watch and I kinda loved it. So much spirals out of control when shit hits the fan, even though no one has any idea what they’re trying to fight against. Really interesting exploration as to how fear can drive people apart.

My least favorite episode: It’s Love & Monsters. I wish I liked this episode - stories that follow regular ass people living in this world are often some of the best episodes in the series (Weeping Angels and all that). And this episode definitely has some of that. It’s honestly really touching to see this group of nerds get together and enjoy life in the first part of the episode. I think the antagonist of “guy who absorbs people” ends up dragging down any charm this story had because he just. eats all of the interesting characters. But despite me disliking this episode, I honestly have a deep respect for it - it’s fucking crazy. It ends with the main guy telling us about his sex life with his girlfriend who is now stuck in a piece of concrete. Where else are you going to get a story like this. It fucking sucks and that’s hilarious

oh also the production design: GODDDDDD I FUCKING LOVE THE PRODUCTION DESIGN AND SETS ON THIS SHOW. I love how dirty and rundown a lot of the spaceship sets look with wires and lights scattered everywhere. And a number of alien designs also go CRAZY with the prosthetics - I keep thinking about the Hath from The Doctor’s Daughter and how every head prosthetic had liquid inside it that could bubble. Absolutely crazy. I also love the moments where you can clearly see they did not have that much time and just had to throw something together or pain a bald cap green. Jank is the nature of sci-fi production design and I dearly love and miss that Doctor Who jank.

Rebuild of Evangelion

Last year after finishing the original Evangelion series + End of Evangelion, I remember going through the Evangelion tumblr tag and being very confused by the number of slice of life/found family-esque fanworks of the cast. It left me puzzled and thinking “...did we even watch the same thing??”

APPARENTLY NOT

[spoiler warning here because these movies are very good and i give the best parts away. if you want to watch these movies then DO IT NOW!!!!!!!!]

I honestly never expected a world where these characters got a happy ending. I so, so badly wish I could see 3.0 and 3.0+1.0 in theaters - these movies are stunning. I know I say things “go crazy” a lot, but man. They go fucking CRAZY.

While I have a few issues with how the first two movies adapted the original show, I do think the changes they made better serve the story this rebuild is trying to tell. For example, my favorite episode in the original Eva series is episode 18, where Toji is chosen to pilot Unit 03. It’s absolutely terrifying because Shinji doesn’t know who 03’s pilot is, yet he’s forced to be inside Unit 01 as it tears 03 apart. His resolve not to kill anyone despite not even knowing who’s in danger is an aspect of that episode I love and speaks to Shinji's inherent humanity, and when he learns Toji was in there it hurts even more. The rebuild movies change Unit 03’s pilot to Auska, and Shinji knows she’s in there from the start. I think this choice works for the movies and is still an effective emotional beat, but personally I still prefer the version where Shinji had no idea who was in there. That lack of knowledge is infinitely more terrifying to me.

I really like what these movies did with some of the angel designs though. The sixth angel (the fuckin. blue diamond cube thing) works really well in 3D/CG animation. The way the thing warps and moves is otherly and terrifying - and it’s just a fucking cube. I’ve always really loved how the Eva series approaches angel designs and the divine - despite the alien-like designs, there’s often something extremely familiar about them. They’re often reminiscent of an animal, a machine, or a human. This is also how they approached the anti-universe in these movies, I loved how it takes the form of various locations from the series and turns them into a movie set. It’s deeply familiar, but ultimately just an illusion of familiarity like the angels and the divine.

Also I gotta say. I fucking love Mari. I think she’s hilarious. She first meets Shinji by accidentally parachuting into him and then immediately starts crawling on all fours to sniff him. This girl also introduces “Beast Mode” where the Eva pilots can go wild turn their mechs into a fucking. superpowered beast of some sort. And also she defeats a whole army by using the Eiffel Tower as a spear. She’s such an absurd character and I honestly kinda love it. The only thing I knew about these movies before watching them was this gif of her Backing That Shit Up and she truly lives up to the insane nature of this shot.

My favorite section of these movies is definitely the first part of 3.0+1.0 where the pilots are basically just living a domestic life in a small town - it’s truly beautiful. The growth that Rei’s copy goes through here is fantastic, I love stories about seemingly emotionless beings learning how to live. And right after she dies, we get the shot that absolutely broke me the first time I saw it:

This shit. The way you can just barely tell he’s been crying from the red around his eyes. They don't talk about it, they barely linger on it, but it's allowed just enough time to punch you in the gut. I don’t know why this shot got me as hard as it did but goddamn. jesus christ. i want to throw up

There’s some goofy shit in these movies. The infinite synch rate. Misato’s stupidass hat and sunglasses. Some goofy ass 3D animation that doesn’t age super well. The rainbow that shows up every time an angel dies. But these things really didn’t take me out of the core of these films, and there’s so much genuine emotion and beauty in this series that had me absolutely hooked - especially in the last two films. They go crazy. My favorite line is 100% “The only thing a son can do for his father is pat him on the shoulder… or kill him.” and man. ain’t that what Evangelion is all about. i love these movies

High School Musical 3

kinda slaps just a little bit

High School Musical 3 starts with a finale number. The last high school basketball game of Troy Bolton’s life - and it goes kinda hard. The classic pep band brass that’s essential to so many High School Musical numbers returns, and the constant theme of two feuding cheer teams in the background? Genius. This is truly art. I love listening to Now or Never without visuals because in the middle Troy just starts coughing and gagging seemingly out of nowhere

Unfortunately, starting the movie at such a high point means that the rest of the runtime doesn’t quite match up to it. The story lags and meanders quite a bit, but part of me kinda appreciates that - it’s their last semester of high school, which is always a time of confusion and turmoil. However, I do have a pitch for how they could have countered the constant falling action this movie seems to go through:

The Wildcats should have lost their last game at the beginning of the movie.

What if the game is instead the inciting incident that leads Troy and his besties through their tumultuous last semester? Troy is still torn between basketball and theater, but his identity would be even further challenged here - is winning and success all that matters for him, or is it the love of sport and performance that keeps him going? idk whatever this movie came out 16 years ago i can’t be out here writing AUs for it jgnfsgfnjdksg

Some miscellaneous thoughts about this movie that i don’t care about formatting into larger paragraphs:

Ryan and Sharpay’s number (I Want It All) slaps as usual. The part where Ryan shouts “MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!!!!!!” makes me so happy every time i hear it

The production design and sets go absolutely fucking crazy. I still have no idea how they pulled off the spinning hallway in Scream.

One of the classic staples of HSM is Chad’s shirts. Most of them are fairly silly and like something you would expect to find in the walmart clearance section. However, there’s one shirt he has in this movie that confused the hell out of me. It’s this one:

What the FUCK does Greenster mean. Is it just a combination of Green and Monster?? Why??? What green monster are we talking about here????? Where the fuck did this shirt come from?????????

Avatar The Last Airbender (2024)

There’s really only one word I can think of to describe what this show is like: sauceless. No flavor. No depth. No character. No sauce. This show is honestly so fucking boring and seems to fundamentally misunderstand what the appeal of the original Avatar series is - not necessarily because things are changed or removed from the original, but because nothing of substance is added in return. 

Most of the characters are mere echoes of their original counterparts when compared to their source material. Sokka is reduced to a guy who wants to fight good, Katara’s stubborn and confrontational nature is very rarely utilized, and Aang’s mischievous antics and love of fun is sorely missing. One of the major reasons for the dull interpretations seems to be the directing - While I have faith that most of these actors are trying their best (especially since a number of them are kids/young adults), the direction seems to be incredibly lackluster and takes away nearly every cast member’s stage presence or personality. There’s a number of reaction shots of the main trio that just look like this: 😐😐😐 as if they were just told to “look concerned” at the events unfolding before them. And these issues are apparent in the majority of the performances - for example, General Zhao talks like he’s in a board meeting up until the last episode, and it’s an incredibly flat performance. He talks somewhat monotone in the original series as well, but this live-action take on the character often meanders with his dialogue and lacks that sharp, terrifying quality that I think this character needs. Uncle Iroh also feels incredibly stiff in this adaptation, and it’s a goddamn crime that they took away the cunty little outfit and chains he was originally wearing when he gets captured by earthbenders. wait who said that

Credit where credit is due, there’s a few cast members that seem to be giving their best. It’s clear that Aang’s actor enjoys the role and does pretty well despite the lackluster direction and dialogue he’s given. On top of that, I think Zuko’s actor is honestly the best part of the show. His take on Zuko leans much more into teenage tendencies and sarcasm, which, although it can be silly, is a welcome take of the character in my opinion and pretty fun to watch. There’s this one line he has at the beginning of episode 2 where, in an incredibly whiny tone of voice, he goes “He RAN! The ultimate warrior! He’s a Coward :((((“ and the read is so. fucking funny

The case of bad direction isn’t limited to the performances, however. It’s also stunningly apparent in how everything is shot. Despite being in a widescreen format, most shots are incredibly centered - you could crop the entire runtime into a 4:3 frame and you wouldn’t be cutting out much of anything. I’ve seen some speculation that this was an intentional choice to make things more adaptable or readable for TikTok/phone video, but honestly I think that’s a dumb take. I think the issue stems from a lack of creativity and thoughtless composition. Keeping everything staged in the center can make shots feel disjointed, lacking much depth, or completely empty. It’s a boring way to shoot and indicates that the show lacks any unique vision at all.

Overall, this show doesn't really seem to understand what makes Avatar interesting in the first place. It's more interested in spectacle and action than the characters' relationships, emotions, and mistakes. I try not to compare it too much to the original since it's allowed to take liberties with its adaptation, but very few of its changes add much to the end result or give it a unique voice. It's just sauceless and boring.

Some YouTube videos i liked in February:

💥 My House.WAD - Inside Doom's Most Terrifying Mod (some supplemental House of Leaves material for ya) 💥 Martha Jones Deserved Better (this video explains how Doctor Who did Martha dirty better than i ever could) 💥 bringing JUSTICE to the worst garfield game 💥 Selling Kids for Clout: The Downfall of Family Channels

And that’s my roundup for February! Thank you for reading, I promise there are no more reviews left to scroll through below this goodbye. Nope, nothing else I watched this month. Bye!

…ok is everyone gone. phew, i’m glad no one noticed i pulled an hbomberguy and hid the largest part of this post under a false ending. Anyway holy shit i need to talk about hazbin hotel

Hazbin Hotel

well i didn’t like it

Hazbin Hotel is a weird, fascinating mess of a show. Every episode left me wondering what creative decisions (or lack thereof) led to the sequence of images I just watched. There’s been a lot of discussion of this show recently and I’m not interested in covering every critique I have, but there’s a few things that I'd like to talk about somewhat in-depth.

Hell is real and it's just Red Chicago

The setting of Hell is kinda boring in this show.

Let me try to put this into perspective. Aside from the hotel, here’s a list of the locations we see in Hell:

A boardroom

A video store

Vox’s evil lair (it has cyber sharks which is kinda cool)

Various streets

Another boardroom

A BDSM club

Carmilla’s house (it’s gray and has. balconies?)

A porn studio

A bar

Another bar

A town square (full of cannibals)

None of these locations really take on any sort of otherworldly form besides some vague demonic imagery scattered throughout (and the cannibals. i guess. whatever). In short, Hazbin Hotel’s setting resembles Chicago more than it does Hell.

I can see a world where that’s intentional. Perhaps making Hell resemble a modern city could be used as a thematic tool or point of relatability? But Hazbin doesn’t really do anything like that - since the characters rarely ever interact with their environments, these locations end up seeming like they lack creativity, like they’re just cardboard sets where characters go to swear. They all start to blend together after a while - every street feels the same, every boardroom fades into the background, and every bar feels like a google image search result for the word “club.” This world feels stunningly empty despite the busy designs and colors. Even though the backgrounds are painted and designed fairly well, nothing of substance is ever really added to them through the story.

However, a few musical numbers take effort to break away from these settings. This felt like a weight off of my shoulders whenever it happened, it was nice to see some interesting setpieces and backgrounds that weren’t red. I liked the bombastic and over-the-top broadway lights in Loser and the glowing alternate world in Charlie and Lucifer’s song. But these moments are few and crowded by the dull locations in Hell - or worse, the Hotel itself.

Despite being the namesake of the show, the actual Hazbin Hotel is… lifeless. Which, yeah, it’s a hotel where dead people go in the afterlife, but it’s missing any sort of personality or history besides “it’s old and falling apart.” I expected the hotel to be full of secrets - like maybe some hidden passages or rooms, or mysterious cabinets full of rotted meats, or old valuables hidden under the rugs by the previous owners. Something for the cast to explore and discover, and as they get closer to each other they also start to understand the hotel more. Alastor seems very intent on keeping the physical hotel standing for some reason, but I never really understood why. There’s nothing there. And that nothingness is fully realized when at the end of the show, they just rebuild the entire hotel to be grand and beautiful - an emotional beat that didn’t hit me at all because I never felt like I knew the hotel in the first place. Despite rebuilding it from the ground up, it will feel just as empty.

3 SHOTS THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY

I was truly baffled at how some of these scenes are timed and put together. Multiple sequences left me feeling nauseous and dazed - the camera moves like it’s being swung on the end of a rope, and there’s so many misplaced or meaningless cuts scattered through these episodes.

There’s a sequence of three shots in the first episode that I want to dissect. I will fully admit that I'm breaching nitpicking territory here, but the shot composition issues in this show are pretty rampant and my analysis here is just a hyper-specific look at a single part of that larger problem. Hopefully you can also use it as a quick storyboarding lesson too idk

First, we see Adam teasing Charlie.

Then, it cuts straight to this shot:

A few things here. 

Shot 2 is just closer on the characters, which is not a great idea to cut to after the previous waist-up shot. On top of being a jarring jump cut, there is no purpose for this new shot. All the information we see here (Adam laughs, Charlie fake laughs) could have just been conveyed in the previous shot.

Despite the characters being in the same position as the last shot, the background changes. This straight up just feels like an error. I think the idea is supposed to be that the camera is at a different angle, but the position of the characters does not convey that. It looks like reality changes behind them.

And if that’s not enough, this is the shot we get immediately after those two:

In this shot, the residents of the hotel sit on the couch as Vaggie walks into the shot, framing them between her legs. But there’s something… off.

Vaggie either looks like she’s floating or she’s three stories tall. Quick storyboard lesson as to why:

The main problem with this shot is that the perspective of the background doesn’t match up with where Vaggie is placed. The couch is framed as if the camera were above it, but Vaggie is framed like the camera is floor-level below her. I’ve traced the shot and added a perspective grid to hopefully better illustrate this:

Do you see what I mean? If the camera WAS actually on the floor like Vaggie’s position in the shot suggests, the composition would look more like this:

Notice how much closer the floor grid is to the bottom of the frame and how you can see the underside of the couch.

And to be fair, this is probably what the original storyboard for this shot looked like! Personally I think something went wrong in the compositing stage - this might be a couch background from another shot that was reused here to save time, or whoever approved this shot just let the error slide since the shot is so short (i've been there. sometimes you let the jank slide). Most animated shows will have some poorly framed shots and continuity errors because mistakes are bound to happen, but two egregious ones right next to each other like this is. pretty bad. It's so noticeable from a directing perspective.

Here’s the thing: these three shots happen in the span of like 10 seconds. Most viewers probably wouldn’t notice these issues, and that's fine. But even though these errors are quick, they stack upon each other so fast that even if you can’t pinpoint exactly what’s wrong, something still feels wrong. There’s so many other moments where the show breaks extremely basic shot composition, continuity, and staging rules - for example, the second musical number of the show breaks the 180 rule like four times for no good reason. The whole show feels like a dizzy, nauseating mess because the shots rarely feel like they form anything cohesive.

MY ROOMMATE TOLD ME TO GO TO BED SO HERE ARE SOME FINAL THOUGHTS

Here’s a rundown on some other thoughts that I don’t care to format into larger sections:

The show seems to lack much to say about sin and redemption other than “redemption good.” like sure, but what are they being redeemed from? Is heaven truly the place they deserve to go after being redeemed, even though it’s shown to be unjust? Are there sins that are too great to be redeemed from, or others that shouldn't be considered sins at all? I asked myself a number of questions like this, but never got many answers from Hazbin.

This show has a bad relationship with kink and sex. Both are mostly used as a punchline or a form of control. I didn’t like it. Perhaps the reason Hazbin never really comments on the nature of sin is because it needs you to consider sex and kink sinful or otherly for these jokes to hit.

Some of the animation is crazy good. I will praise any animator that even attempts to make these character designs move. A number of extremely talented people worked on this show, a few of the musical sequences in particular have some incredible movement.

Alastor is a very boring character. It’s wild that most of the side characters in this show only exist to talk about how much they like or hate Alastor, he mostly just stands to the side of some shots or kills random nameless goons. I expected him to have a much larger role in the story, but he just gets his ass kicked in the final episode and then crawls back to the hotel.

Episode 4 is the most cohesive, and i think Angel is the best character in the show. Unfortunately, the fact that Hazbin takes so much effort to show Angel’s misery left me… concerned? None of the other characters get treated as poorly as Angel by the narrative. There’s a few smaller explorations of trauma, but nothing remotely compares to what Angel is put through on-screen. This isn’t to say that I think the whole cast needs to be extremely traumatized and constantly miserable, but rather that I find it concerning that the only character subjected to incredibly graphic abuse and torture (that we see or hear about) is the gay sex worker. Which sucks, because I think the concept of hypersexuality resulted from sexual abuse is an important topic worthy of discussing in adult media. I just think they tried to execute this theme without much critical thought beforehand.

I think the voice cast does a fantastic job for the most part. Keith David is way too good for Husk.

I really liked the one shot where Charlie opens her phone and we see that she has a contact for every individual egg minion.

I was very brave and got through this whole review without talking about my new least favorite character of all time, Vox. here’s what I think of him:

The overall vision and end result of Hazbin Hotel is just mediocre. While I don’t know what led to the messy state this show ended up in, my guess is that it was probably the result of inadequate direction, sloppy writing, and lacking creative support from the studios involved. Because of this, please understand that I have no desire or intention to put down any individual artists that worked on this show - I hope it's clear that most of my criticisms are directed at the larger vision these artists were given to execute and/or the lack of creative support they received while working on this show.

I also don’t really have much desire to participate in any further Hazbin discussion or discourse because it has wasted enough of my time already and I want to be free of this curse. please spare my inbox from hazbin hotel discourse. please. i'm begging.

You want to know what the most fucked up thing about this is though? Despite everything I said about Hazbin, Avatar the Last Airbender 2024 is still the worst show I watched this month. I would take Hazbin over Avatar 2024 literally any day.

well if you got this far. thanks for reading. also sorry you read all that. whelp alright back into my hole i go bye bye

[timeskip]

Finished episode 5! Mystery stories are made with love, because the author wants you to solve the riddle. Witches and truth can only be seen with love. Hm! Umineko really is a love story.

[warning: long post.]

HOUGH THAT ENDING WAS SO GOOD. THE TRIAL WAS GREAT AND THEN BATTLER COMING BACK TO LIFE AND FIGHTING... I was wavering a bit near the middle of the episode wondering if it would stick the landing for me but it DID IT

I like Dlanor a lot in how she affects the story (and the concept of a guardfor Knox's decalogue is super compelling) but I was uhhhh uncertain of her at first. I think adding new characters that are so vital is a bit weird this late in the game... but GOD. GOD. THE FIGHT ITSELF. The way she and Battler both agreed to go at each other. It's so good. She justified her existence excellently.

AND. In addition. Erika never understood her. Battler did. Of course she ended up resigning against Battler after teaching him to respect the reasons why mysteries work.

I also find myself wondering if the spoiler I saw before of Battler being Kyrie's child was fake after all. Does a little anime girl "blehhhh"

BUT BECAUSE OF THIS. BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEE THE POSSIBILITY OF BATTLER BEING THE CHILD FROM 19 YEARS AGO COMING UNTIL IT WAS CLOSE TO APPEARING... IT HIT REALLY HARD. I LOVE IT

CRAZY. BUT REALLY GOOD.

Battler becoming the game master is fascinating because it's clear he understands Beatrice better than the player. I'd seen people say that Umineko wants you (the player) to solve it, and until the end of episode 5 I didn't see it, since it's a mystery like any other; you SHOULD be able to solve it, but I feel like the mystery of Beatrice is too veiled in obscure hints and unclear moments, especially since the game is about denying she exists. But I mean. lol. Asking us to solve it is right there:

As for what I think about the mystery... I'm not very good at solving these things. I love mysteries, but I'm not very good at "mystery thinking" the way some people are. As far as theories for how the mysteries of episodes 1-4 happened without magic, I'm not really one to go through it all again to try to piece it together when I don't feel like I have enough clues right now.

I'm also afraid I've seen too many vague spoilers to JUST be going off of what the game is about... I. uh. Might know who in the 18 characters is Beatrice, for example. I've avoided thinking about it on purpose, but hey. I'm not certain about it, but when they were comparing mysteries to love (with the obvious meaning of Battler and Beatrice's love) Battler mentioned his first love being with someone else. That first love being Shannon. And it's clear to me that if (keyword: IF) Beatrice is any of the 18, she WILL NOT BE ONE OF BATTLER'S RELATIVES!! So, a servant. If she's not Shannon or Kanon I will be surprised. There is another vague spoiler I've gotten that complicates this, but uhhh yeah. idk. If Battler can be the child from 19 years ago (maybe. This has not TECHNICALLY been confirmed) then Beatrice can be someone completely outside what I think is possible. We shall see.

I would find it weird if they broke up this seemingly beautiful and important love between Shannon/George that helped Shannon feel like a person, so honestly I'm leaning away from Beatrice Definitely Absolutely Being Shannon and more towards her having a weird connection to Shannon that people talk about in a way that confused me when I didn't know the characters very well. Is Battler's "first love" important to his relationship with Beatrice? ....Maybe. Is there more that I don't understand? Definitely.

(Also as a note: Genji = Ronove. Kumasawa = Virgilia. Gohda = ?. Shannon = Beatrice?. Kanon = ???. I don't expect this to be a one to one thing, but considering the first two are so firmly established, I'm keeping it in mind.)

Anyways. Battler committed a sin 6 years prior. Something related to Beatrice, or at least something related to who she used to be. Driving my thoughts away from WHO she is again, and back to the "why": Battler clearly remembered what it was. He lied to Beatrice about something. He understands Beatrice and knows why she constructed the game to have him solve it. We, reading the story, should be able to find the clues for what this sin is, but. well. We haven't been given much info about Battler 6 years ago. I feel like I need to wait for it to circle back around to Battler's backstory before I really make any theories.

Of course, Natsuhi and Erika are the stars of this episode. Natsuhi is a REALLY compelling character, but Erika is truly what made this episode click into place for me. Her hatred and gloating, the vile intentions, how pathetic she is when she loses... Her love for Bernkastel and the way she's being thrown away if she fails... She hates Battler, she has to defeat him, she won't hold back. I have high hopes for episode 6...!!!

Yeah!!! I liked episode 5 a lot!!! Whatever Battler's game looks like, I wonder if it'll help bring Beatrice back from the nonexistence she was pushed into, since they didn't really address that? ^-^

[heythetan]

thinking about Summer and Morty's sibling relationship....

teensy eensy spoilers for the new ep (wet kuat amortican summer)

idk just something about how it was portrayed in the latest episode felt so real. as an older sibling I relate hard to how Summer feels, how she sees Morty get everything seemingly for free. the way she's torn between being a good role model and support structure and feeling bitter because Morty is, quite frankly, a little shit sometimes. the fact that Morty IS a little shit because he thinks SUMMER has it better.

they're both jealous of each other, which is THE MOST older/younger sibling thing ever. Morty being spoiled because he's younger but also not getting the same amount of freedom or respect. Summer having to work a lot harder than Morty for things, but also being treated more like an equal. Obv it's a sci-fi comedy cartoon so these dynamics are stretched and exaggerated, yknow. to fit the fact that these family members murder aliens every other day. but at its core its just two siblings beefing it out over dumb shit.

What is compelling to me personally, as an older sibling who has had this exact argument (well, maybe not this EXACT argument) is the fact that Summer really, REALLY wants to be a good older sister to Morty. but she has to work harder than him, and it's so infinitely frustrating when your younger sibling can't or refuses to recognize that. it's not their fault, they don't have the scope or perspective necessary to fully understand those First Child Issues™, but it's annoying nonetheless. and it's the same the other way, too!! being the younger sibling sucks ass in unique ways.

and Morty has a SHITTON of other issues, with his parents but mostly with Rick (who is the person they're both competing over) that Summer just won't ever understand, because she doesn't have that very specific and very toxic relationship with Rick that Morty does. there's something to be said about the layers upon layers of codependency and abuse that is brought into the mix, complicating everyone's relationships to each other, but I just wanted to focus on specifically Morty and Summer, less their respective relationships with Rick. And I need to stop talking about that, cuz that's a whole other can of worms that I don't wanna get into rn cuz otherwise this post is gonna be 10x longer.

but anyways, what I find truly heartwarming is the way these two manage to come together and connect despite their disagreements. I think the first time it really stood out to me was when Summer wanted to leave in Rixty Minutes. MORTY was the person to go after her and make her stay with the whole "nobody exists on purpose" speech. it was one of the first major uses of that sort of optimistic nihilism/found family theme that this show is known for. Theres also a shitton of smaller examples, but the first one to come to mind is that moment in Morty's Mindblowers where, after Beth chooses Summer— Summer looks to Morty with such concern. Beth just looks sheepish. (i think about that moment a lot). the new episode was basically a sci-fi body horror rendition of the siblings being handcuffed together trope. their bond is honestly probably the strongest healthy relationship in the series.

it was good to see Summer finally relax in her role as "older sibling", because all she really needed was reassurance from Rick that just because he loves her differently doesn't mean he loves her less.

[thermodynamic-comedian]

i have a question.., so basically right you are very obviously a lena fan but idk.. i could definitely like her i just feel like we havent seen enough of her to actually understand what her role is or if she is likeable or relatable or whatnot? is there something in the arg that gives evidence to her being someone who should be rooted for? or do you instead like her not because she is good or because she can get better but instead just because you find her compelling?

i just wonder if theres evidence for a reason to find her likable that i missed or just forgot about and am curious to see what makes you a fan of her

/genq not a hater just very neutral on her and surprised so many people say she "just needs a nap" or humanize her past what we've already seen and want to understand from the perspective of someone who is a fan

i honestly think we've actually been given a lot to work with when it comes to lena; sure, not as much as the other characters, but what is there compels me. a lot.

first of all, i really like how obviously different she is from jonah. especially with the whole "inviting the horrors in" vs. "keeping the horrors out" thing. there's something really fascinating about the fact that she (seems to) care about her employees like that.

i think my deeper interest in her started when i relistened to the first episode. i honestly thought the way she acted was kind of funny. that kind of perfectly deadpan, aloof, boring characters have always caught my attention to some degree.

all the jokes and headcanons about her being tired are more about just all the shit she has to deal with on a daily basis. i'm also really fascinated by her past, so much is implied just with how she treats the horrors she deals with as a job.

[mapoeggplant]

Man, I am happy that shima is making progress but… the whole situation makes me nervous. There is this, idk how to explain it, menacing undertone through the whole chapter. He is finally acting on his wants, but making a lot of rush decisions largely based on jealousy and loneliness (the fact that we see again how people keep his distance from him. The class politics bit was funny but also kinda sad). The Frankenstein's monster kills people as an act of vengence, but essentially it's a desperate cry for love and attention born out of jealousy, abandonment and hurt. Something Shima relates to a lot. The thing is, while jealousy motivated him before in a positive way (joining the club, confronting ririka), it is not healthy when it's your main compelling force. Of course Shima isn't really doing anything wrong (or i guess it depends whether people agree with Yasaka's perspective) and he wants to hang out with Mitsumi because he enjoys her presence. But there is a lot of other very complicated feelings bubbling in Shima and he is still unable to communicate with her properly. I can't help but wonder what if it ends up hurting her again? And what if this time she really gets angry? We've seen them "fight" before - once when they didn't know each other that well and the second time when shima didn't stand up for her and she ended up kinda swallowing her own feelings. The thing is, Mitsumi is lovely, considerate and forgiving person, and she loves Shima, but she is only a human. In a way, getting angry and allowing herself that feeling would be an interesting development for her too. As for Shima if he were to hurt Mitsumi again, who would stand on his side? Not the girls, Mukai probably wouldn't be too happy with him either. In that scenario - wouldn't Shima prove to himself that he is a monster doomed for life of loneliness? Well, not really, because conflicts are part of any close relationship and I think Shima has to learn that. He is no Frankenstein's monster, just 16. I find it interesting that he will perform the play twice.. perhaps with a different interpretation each time?

That was a whole lot of speculation and watch me be completely wrong and their Kyoto date being the fluffiest and sweetest chapter lol. Also, so sorry for writing a whole as essay, i surprised myself there 😭 

hi! first, please don't be sorry, it's completely ok for you to send a big question to me like this!!

I totally understand and see your point. it is very difficult for shima to be dealing with feelings as heavy as these and to see himself as a monster. it's not healthy and it's not the best feeling in the world, and feeling jealous is always something that hurts a lot.

but I also want to give you a new perspective on this: he's finally acting on his own, be it for acting itself and for trying to express his feelings to mitsumi. he, for the first time, didn't kept it to himself and just stayed in the corner, sad and resentful. he acted a little spoiled and needy? yes, but it's not a terrible thing to act like that once in a while.

now I want to hit a point that you said and I understand where you're coming from: shima hurting mitsumi again. I'm not going to lie, ofc this stays in the back of my mind and I do think about this a lot, not only for the Kyoto trip, but their whole relationship. it's sad to see him not being able to understand his own feelings and acting out on impulse and risking loosing mitsumi but, if it ever comes to a point that he does hurt mitsumi and make her cry, shouldn't we hold him accountable for that?

listen, I'm a shima defender till I die. I'm on this boat for two years (and a half??????? I'm bad with dates, sorry LMFAO) now and I won't back down but if he eventually does something wrong, why would I stay by his side and deny he ever did something wrong? to love a character is to accept that they can fuck up and pick it back again. I won't ever put him in a standard of being perfect and not able to hurt mitsumi at all, but I won't also put him on fire because he made a mistake. he's a teenager. he's traumatized. he's carrying a pain that has been with him longer than his life without certain pain. ofc he will make mistakes and ofc he will fuck it up and...that's completely ok. that's fine. that's life.

I know he's fictional and that his actions are created by a person. he isn't real so like, there IS someone controlling him but for the whole narrative of skip to loafer, we saw characters that were very human, that made mistakes and stood back up, that got hurt, that have complex feelings. so I trust sensei to give me a character that can do something wrong, acknowledge that and fix it. my problem would be if she decides that shima can't do anything wrong anymore or make him commit a lot of mistakes and never realize them (which he never did. he knows were he was wrong, even on the situation between the other girls that left mitsumi sad. he knows he was wrong).

also, shima isn't a monster. him finding solace and seeing himself on frankenstein doesn't mean that he's going to act exactly like the monster himself. actually, in the chapter, he sees the monster's mistakes and reflect on them. he also sees the scientist mistakes. sometimes we find comfort in morally gray characters and that doesn't make us a bad person — what it does is how we act upon that and how we behave accordingly with it.

so, what I want to say with all this: shima is slowly finding his place on earth and trying to make his feelings fall into place. that means he won't ever make a mistake again? no, never. who knows, maybe he can fuck it up on the Kyoto trip and we, as readers and as people who love him, need to call him out. and honestly, I would be very glad if mitsumi was the one to call him out and say "listen, you are hurting me. I'm not going to put up with this". she's sweet, kind and open minded, but she can also stand up for herself, like she did other times as well.

shima is one of the most important characters for me in a whole while. I see myself a lot on his journey to self discovery and just love him and the way he's written, overall. as a writer, he's even my style of character, the type I love to write. so yeah, I will still be making analysis on him, will still defend him with my eyes closed and will still love him. but I will also recognize his mistakes, expose them and try to understand why he did it (all ofc analyzing him as a character, we need to remind us of that!! he's a character and the characters around him, mitsumi included, don't know about his traumas at all).

I hope I didn't sound rude in any way, because that's not what I meant to. I just wanted to be very frank and open with you, because I understand your frustrations and I see what you mean. honestly, it's hard to say "this and that is going to happen" right now, since we're in a very "open" part of the story, starting a new arc that's far from its climax. I hope you understood what I meant and that you can find some sort of comfort on my words.

well, i hope you feel comfortable enough to keep making questions and having a discussion with me!! reflecting on this was very fun and I loved it a lot. hope it was good for you too!

thank you 💛💛

[transfemmbeatrice]

hello! I loved reading your interpretation of much ado's beatrice... I think it makes a lot of sense. on another note, as someone who enjoys shakespeare, do you have any adjacent media like literature classics to recommend? I need to find a classic work of fiction to analyze I think... no pressure though, answer if you want.

i have been giving this ask some thought and i have a number of answers for you! though i don't know if they're exactly what you're looking for, it's what came to mind.

Les Mis. my favorite book of all time!! there is SO much there to chew on, Victor Hugo is an incredible (if incredibly unsubtle) writer. the unabridged version takes some real work to get through, but it's worth it imo. even a good abridged version is still really excellent! i have some opinions on english translations you're free to inquire about if you're interested. whatever you do, don't read Denny. and the brick also still has a great, active fanbase on tumblr!

2. Twelfth Night (2017) dir. Simon Godwin. idk if you're already a twelfth night fan, but this production puts a little twist on it in a way that i am still thinking about years later. it works best if you're already familiar with the play so you can understand how its being subverted; if you're interested, hmu and i can hook you up with any number of productions to watch (which is true of any shakespeare, really. i collect them.)

3. The Imperial Radch trilogy by Ann Leckie. not classic lit, but the best contemporary scifi i've read. leckie is an incredible writer; there is nothing she's done i haven't loved and i would recommend all of her work, but this trilogy is my favorite. (if you want to try a sample of her writing, she released a short story collection this year called Lake of Souls.) the radch trilogy deals with empire and resistance and colonialism and language and gender and bodies and technology and identity and personhood and so much more!! they're one of my favorite books of all time.

4. other well-written scifi that really gets into it and has given me a lot to think about: the unraveling by ben rosenbaum (which does such a good job, imo, of feeling really alien) and a memory called empire by arkady martine (which has a great sequel as well).

5. crush by richard siken. not to be a cliche, but his poetry is fucking amazing. reading crush was the first time i understood poetry. i went my entire school career never clicking with it--i was a prose girlie and it felt like my brain just shut off every time i tried to engage with poetry, but crush fucking rewired my brain and i've read it so many times. if you haven't checked it out, i can't recommend it highly enough; the language and themes are so intricate and well done and it feels like a coherent whole in a really compelling way.

6. the count of monte cristo by alexandre dumas. it's been over a decade since i read it, but i know i loved it and so do many other people so i trust my own past assessment. i remember drawing a character map about how everyone was connected because it was so complicated (i may still have that somewhere, actually) and it certainly has some strong similarities to les mis but is focused on being a revenge story. i watched V for Vendetta recently and it comes up in that movie a bit and it made me really miss it.

7. Be Good and Rewatch It: Pride and Prejudice. Waypoint (rest in peace<3) did some media rewatch podcasts on this feed, and the star of the show is their series on the 95 BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. altogether, their podcasting is more than twice the length of the show itself, but it is so incredibly worth listening to all of it. the adaptation adheres pretty closely to the book so a lot of what they get into relates to the original work as well. there is some fantastic insightful analysis like the difference between english and french relationships with nature and how its reflected in their gardening trends and what it says about lady catherine that her estate is done in the french style--and also there's darcy/peter b. parker fanfiction. extremely well done and also very, very funny, i cannot recommend this more highly!

8. In a similar vein, Shelved By Genre is an excellent podcast if you like sinking your teeth into literary analysis! they focus on genre literature, and have done Book of the New Sun, the Earthsea books, works by Junji Ito, a series by Mercedes Lackey, and I think next are doing Neuromancer? I'm very behind, but they do really excellent work. it's a touch more serious than the last one i mentioned, but it's still a LOT of fun. all three come from academia and i always feel like i'm learning so much when i listen to them.

9. Heart Berries by Terese Marie Mailhot. it's a shortish memoir that i really enjoyed, and there was an interview at the end that i can't stop thinking about because of how she talked about her craft and her story's place in a larger context. i recommend at least reading the interview (which i posted here). i'll also throw Alan Davies' memoir "Just Ignore Him" in here, because i loved it so much and also have a lot of thoughts about how it is written and structured which that interview made me think about again. i'm very biased on this one because i'm a huge fan of his, but i think it's still pretty good if you're not familiar with him. it should be noted that both these books deal with some dark stuff, so feel free to reach out to me for content warnings if you like. alan's audiobook is excellent; heart berries' audiobook is horrendous.

10. this list could not be complete unless i recommended Friends at the Table, an actual play podcast focused on critical worldbuilding, smart characterization, and fun interaction between good friends. genuinely the work they do is some of the best stories i have ever encountered, in my entire life, in any medium. there's a shit ton of it and i'm always happy to give recommendations on where to start, whether you're ready to dive in totally or just try a sample. i could never even begin to put into words how good this show is or how much it means to me. it makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes me laugh until i cry, it haunts me (positive), it has led me to meeting so many cool people and introduced me to lots of other great and compelling media and philosophy and political ideology. and that's not even getting into my fascination with how game mechanics shape a story, and the sheer joy of things coming together based on chance rather than convenience--it's such an interesting way to tell a story! i'll shut up now but as i will continue to say up to and including when i'm on my deathbed--please listen to friends at the table.

[mintacle]

Tim Drake stans up in arms to defend him because of my post saying that I dislike it when people woobify Tim to the point of spitting on Jason. I realized later I didn’t specify that the post was about the fandom’s representation of the Titans Tower fight between Jason and Tim, ut it’S still fairly obvious from context.

I hate that I have to repeat it but: Jason never tried to kill Tim, never intended to, Jason was 18 at the time and Tim was 16. The only run in which Jason is a mass murderer is from a decade ago by Morrison who had the agenda to push Jason from an anti-hero into a pure villain character. It was an experiment and it didn’t go well. It’s not so much a part of Jason’s canon character as a weird thing we don’t talk about. Something like pink kryptonite or the people that Batman actually totally did kill, but it was just slightly off-camera. So no, Jason is also not a crazy mass-murderer, he does murder, but not randomly or just for the heck of it.

Also @ all Tim stans, idk man, I prefer my Tim to not be rendered completely helpless and empty because of his traumas, but to understand him as a conflicted character with his own agency. I am completely in support of writing fics and reading fics with helpless characters at times to satisfy one’s own craving to be saved from a situation you are powerless in, that’s just fanon indulgence and 100% cool my dudes, what I take issue with is when this happens at the expense of only extending understanding and the privilege of being saved to victims who are deemed agreable, such as Tim, while condemning victims who are unagreeable, such as Jason.

However it is also more compelling to me to see Tim as a smart and constantly trying character. I think in canon he is highly self-reliant and has purposefully built a support system of friends around him to not have the same flaw as Batman to end up alone and dependent. I personally prefer stories of Tim attempting to save himself from whatever the situation is and seeing him using methods that should have worked and seeing it not being enough, because I can relate to that more than having given up in an abusive situation, BUT! I deeply understand that my experiences with abuse are not universal. When I was stuck with my abusive father I kept trying to negotiate or find a way to move out and nothing would ever work and I’m more familiar with needing a Deus Ex Machina sviour because everything I did wasn’t enough to save me, than needing a savior because I cannot ask for the help I need. Sometimes speaking up is more dangerous than trying to endure, sometimes speaking up is terrifying, sometimes you are not aware that your situation went across the tipping point and should be understood as abuse. Fans that relate to Tim for any of those reasons or others have my full compassion to indulge in Tim whump however much they want to, God knows I have too. The only thing I take issue with is the demonization of Jason in the Titans Tower incident and the misrepresentation of canon without disclaiming it as headcanon/fanon just to elevate Tim’s victim status. 

Because that is preferential treatment of one type of victim over the other. And that is what is so hurtful to me, personally. 

[nnightskiess]

You deserve my support and much more! Lacklustre updating schedule or not, everytime you leave is a very.. compelling and deeply emotional piece of art. I say deeply emotional because when I read it, I feel every emotion that’s written in a very raw and deep way, as if I was actually living it, and so, to be able to even read it and have access to more chapters, is a really big privilege for me.

I think by showing us the present first and then going back to how it all began and showing how y/n and Yen developed their deep bond is pretty amazing, it makes it hurt yes 😂 but also makes it feel real and more intimate bc now we know how truly intricate and deep their feelings are for each other and how much weight their past together has on the events that are occurring in the present and will happen in the future.

I can also tell you love writing for it, idk how to explain it really, but you can see it’s written with passion and love and that every little detail matters. So actually, thank you for creating such an amazing story and I will always look forward to any chapters you put out! 🖤💛 I’m glad my little ask made you feel happy also 😊

(I agree abt Henry… the Witcher is just not the same without him. I have considered replaying the games just so I can maybeeee forget that Henry is not in the show anymore and hopefully ease into Liam a bit better 😂)

oh wow, love, i'm incredibly touched that you feel that way about it!! and that you consider it a piece of art. it's hard to try and see it from your perspective sometimes when i'm so deeply involved with it from a writer's point of view and can't read the chapters with a fresh mind, so hearing you say that actually filled me with joy and motivation.

and thank you so much for saying that! it means i accomplished what i intended to do. i always prefer to write with a heavy layer of emotion clouding my characters. emotions drive us, fuel our fears and define our actions. whether they're morally grey or relatable, it will help reach a level of understanding and hopefully help connect with the story. having to watch the characters battle both inwardly and outwardly before getting whatever their heart desires is just so much more satisfying.

going back to the past felt like a bit of a gamble at first. i was afraid i would confuse or lose some readers who probably desperately wanted to read what would happen at sodden instead, but now that i'm in the middle of writing those early days with yennefer, i realise it was the best decision i could have made. it will explain why they held off on their feelings and so much more. there are many subtle ways i can show their bond slowly forming, or how and why certain beliefs and insecurities will keep resurfacing simply because they were so intricately woven within them. by writing their story from the beginning, i feel like i've started to understand it even better. i don't think i could've properly taken the story forward the same way if i hadn't made that decision.

oh, i absolutely adore writing it. it slithered into my mind years ago during christmas break and it hasn't left me since. i never write anything just for the clicks or interactions, but especially not this one. i just had to write it all down, whether i would later on post it or not. i have notes upon notes everywhere and whenever an idea pops up while i read the books or play the game, i scribble it down. i still don't know how i can find clarity in the chaos (no pun intended). you can always come and talk to me about the story in my dms or asks, please don't hold back. i'd love to hear your thoughts and see if you've caught certain easter eggs, double meanings, symbolisms or foreshadowings (the flower on tissaia's desk is a nod to the bond she'll have with yen and y/n, for example). and as a writer, it's always interesting to see how certain things have landed with readers!

i feel like to a lot of people, me included, henry felt like the essence of the series, the glue holding it together. i get why people are frustrated he's no longer in it, and that the adaption has been absolute shit as well, but i honestly love the world of the witcher too much to not cling to every new bit of media they give us (and i really want to support the other actors). my story is a mix of the series and the book and will at one point stop following canon, since yen doesn't have her arc with geralt or ciri in this. i write yennefer with all of the different versions we've seen of her in mind, so i hope she doesn't feel too ooc for people who've only watched the series, played the game or read the book. but since this story doesn't exist in canon, we also don't have anything to compare her possible actions and reactions to with the things that will happen in everytime you leave, so i think i'll be fine 😊

take care, love! your support means the world to me and i count myself very lucky that you're one of my few readers 🖤

[trashlie]

ILY FP 220

CW for abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, etc. Sorry for the minor spoiler, but we’re digging into the way Yui has manipulated and abused Kousuke since he was young and that might be triggering to some readers. 

Whoo BOY! Idk about you guys but I loved this episode (I keep saying this every week lmao). Again, there’s so much confirmation of things I’ve been saying/believing, and I find it really funny that this arrived on the cusp of a related discussion I’ve been having lol. This time, I’m also going to link to some interesting posts/threads from the 220 discussion post on the reddit, because they are presented really well, and while I’ll talk about them in this post, I want to highlight the comments that have furthered my thoughts and commentary! The reddit discussion posts are really what helps me put my thoughts together!

I am a big fan of this comment and the subsequent replies between them and cheeselounge; good explanation of exactly how Yui’s manipulation/gas lighting/abuse works and why it maintains a compelling hold on Kousuke, as well as some good food for thought about black and white vs shades of grey, the ableism that runs rampant when people on a whole talk about Kousuke, and how harmful it is to view characters as 100% innocent or guilty. Also really fantastic points on the parallels of how Shinae, Nol, and Kousuke are shown waking in the hospital. Just an all around top tier comment!

This is my own comment lol but what is important is not the comment itself but the discussion in the replies. I’m not a medical person so everyone’s input on what it means for Yui to shut down Hansuke’s tests is invaluable to me lol. Someone also brought up blood type - and while I don’t think that’s something Hansuke would be testing, it does bring up interesting thoughts re: Kousuke’s parentage. 

So let’s get into it! 

I know it’s tacky to be an “I told you so!” person but this episode, besides making me feel incredibly unsettled and angry, absolutely made me feel I TOLD YOU SO! Yui is SO skilled at manipulation it’s like second nature to her. Every now and then I still see people defending Yui as loving Kousuke so much that the way she treats him can’t possibly be manipulation, and that you can’t prove it’s manipulation - and like. THAT’S THE THING LOL Textbook abuse is often met with people who don’t believe it because they’ve never seen it, because you’re being so dramatic, because it’s not big deal. That’s how abuse WORKS. The abuser is seen as someone who couldn’t possibly be abusing you, because they do so many nice things or they seem so lovely and they just don’t seem like an abuser~. That’s why it works!!!! Because they have created a reasonable cause of doubt. Because they make YOU look like the liar, like you’re dramatic, like you’re just making a big deal out of things that aren’t. 

Also, people can say they love you and still abuse you, still hurt you, still use you for their own gain. And Yui does just that. 

It’s been a source of great ire to me that so much of what Yui has done has been swept under an umbrella of “she just loves him so much of course she wants the best for him”. But it’s not about him, and we can see that now! Yui doesn’t respond to Kousuke with love or affection. She has NO CONCERN about what happened to him. In fact, even as Hansuke tries to argue in favor of running tests on Kousuke, Yui tries it on him. “He’s dramatic, you know that. I know him well, and I know he’s fine. You are making a big deal out of nothing. We don’t want to make him think something is wrong with him do we?” Hansuke is the only one showing concern for Kousuke. It’s not just about him hitting his head - it’s about the unresponsive state in which he found Kousuke. It’s that HE knows Kousuke and HE knows something happened, something set him off, and that he responded to it in a worrying way! 

Yui SHOULD be concerned about Kousuke. She should want to understand, she should worry that something is going on with him. Instead, she just tries to pretend it’s nothing, to sweep it under the rug, to hide it not just from everyone else but from HIMSELF. “We don’t want him to think something’s wrong with him, do we?” 

But it’s not just that, it’s the way she operates! For so long I’ve been trying to say that while Rand is very much responsible for his choices, I believe Yui absolutely has affected his relationship with Kousuke and encouraged/fostered the distance between them. If Kousuke ever got close to Rand, maybe he would have laid off, calmed down, felt that he’d reached his goal and now he didn’t have to run so hard. But as long as that goal is unmet, as long as Rand is distant from him, Kousuke would have to keep pushing until he reaches the top, just like she wants. 

It’s the way she took Rand’s real gift and threw it out and replaced it with some random cardigan that looks like it’s not up to Kousuke’s standards. “How sweet of him” so sweet that he doesn’t know what his son likes, right? So sweet that he just got you whatever and you’re supposed to like it. She’s further fostering that divide. Not only has Kousuke not reached Rand, but he looks like he doesn’t know anything about him, like he doesn’t even care. And that’s further supported by the reality of the night - Kousuke knows Rand is with Nol and while on some level he understands why (even he was concerned about Nol being hurt) eventually he might internalize it as “Father chose Nol over me.” 

How many times has Yui intervened? Swapped out gifts? Relayed the wrong information, just FORGOT to relay the right information. How convenient, that Rand was never around for Kousuke’s birthday because he had meetings elsewhere. How convenient, that Rand never knew when Kousuke’s recitals or EVEN GRADUATION were. I want to reiterate I think Rand deserves critique. He has made his choices, he could have reached out to Kousuke, could have inquired about when his events are. But also as we’ve extensively discussed, Yui absolutely has and continues to weaponize what Rand loves and cares about against him. She’s weaponized it against Kousuke in how she commodified the concept of love and Rand’s love. She’s done it to Nol. At some point, people give up. There’s only so much misery they can endure. It’s very likely that Rand made efforts, in the beginning. We’ve seen him talk to Kousuke before about how he doesn’t have to follow in his footsteps, that he’s allowed to be whatever he wants. We’ve seen him try to instill little life lessons in Kousuke, only for Yui to swoop in and contradict him. At some point a person is going to burn out, grow tired. It’s unfair to Kousuke, because as his father, Rand still has a duty to him. But he’s also a human and we can only take so much. 

Rand and Yui exist in a toxic relationship, and Rand has spent so much of that time in a state of misery. We’ve seen it in Nol, how at some point he thought maybe he should give up, maybe there’s no point in fighting, maybe he just needs to let it go. We’ve seen it in Shinhan, who was overwhelmed by stress and his job and schooling and didn’t have the time and energy to be a present father and at some point turned to alcohol for comfort even at the expense of their funds. 

People can only endure so much. That’s the tragedy of Rand and Kousuke - that Rand was eventually worn down to such an extent that he didn’t have it in him to keep trying, that he was sapped of everything, that it was used against him time and time again, and that in the end it hurts Kousuke. That there were two children involved and impacted by this and both have come to meet danger and harm. 

I have so many thoughts about Rand, and Rand and Yui, and I’ll have to save them for another post. I don’t want to absolve Rand of his crimes against his children, but I also think it’s important to consider the circumstances, because at the end of the day that’s why this is so tragic. It’s so real. Yui is not the first parent to ever pit her child against her spouse, she isn’t the first person to manipulate others in her life. It doesn’t absolve the other parent, but we have to acknowledge the circumstances, because I don’t believe this is the father Rand wanted to be. I think he wanted to have a relationship with his son, but that Yui made it a difficult task, and after some time, he gave up on it. 

Anyway that’s a whole sidebar lmao the point I REALLY wanted to make was: seeing Yui pull this, swap out the gift, replace it with something that is unsuited for Kousuke just further fosters that distance between Rand and Yui. And because Yui is the one who is here when Kousuke wakes up, it further perpetuates the belief that Kousuke is not good enough for Rand to care about him - especially given the circumstances in which Rand found Kousuke. 

Do we ever get to know what’s going on in Rand’s head? What did he think, when he found his sons out there in the snow? What did he think, when it looked like Kousuke was running away from Nol left bloodied and bleeding out in the snow? What did he think about this scene, after the phone call he had earlier that night with Kousuke and what he overhead. We still don’t know what Kousuke said the night he was drunk and left his father a voicemail, but we can deduce that it probably had to do with this - with his relationship with Nol and the hate and the jealousy and the fear and the desperate want to be loved, to be good enough? 

The blood is on his hands both metaphorically and physically. 

Something I want to stress is how grey I find this. Kousuke acted on Nol’s goading. If he hadn’t pushed Kousuke’s buttons, Kousuke would not have done it. Punching him as he was leaving the room was a fight or flight response - I don’t think it was his intention to knock him off the balcony - but I also think in that moment he didn’t feel guilt. Likewise, when Nol left the party, Kousuke chased after him, caught up in his fears and jealousy, the paranoia that stems from it. In so many ways, Kousuke does believe Nol is better than him. Nol’s ability to walk away and not fight back not just at the party, but even after he chased him, infuriated him, because he was goaded into chasing and attacking and yet Nol didn’t even choose to defend himself. Did he intentionally slam Nol like that knowing the glass shards would dig in and tear him up? Did he even register the glass?

What really strikes me is that when Kousuke realizes Nol is injured - badly - it doesn’t come across to me like he’s afraid of getting in trouble for it. He seems genuinely concerned that something has happened to Nol, that he’s bleeding. He wanted Nol to fight back, but I don’t think he wanted to HURT him like that? His reaction is so different from back at the party, where paranoia clouded logic and that flashback returned to him. I think yes, Kousuke wanted to hurt Nol, but I don’t think he wanted it to be like this?

Idk they’re complicated and it’s why I enjoy getting to see these kinds of scenes. 

But again, this is a tangent I didn’t mean to go on, but I think it’s important to state so that you guys understand how and why I interpret the scenes as I do. There is no one who is 100% guilty or innocent.

I definitely think we are meant to dig in to Yui’s actions and understand the manipulation and gaslighting that has gone on for the entirety of Kousuke’s life. That it isn’t solely about Nol, that even before him, she was doing this, that Kousuke as her son has always been a means to her self-serving goals and ambitions, that he was never a child to her but this extension of herself, this opportunity to go after what she wants, a way to cut Rand out of the picture so that everything falls back into the hands of her family. Though Kousuke she is able to orchestrate everything she wants and needs because he is solely at her mercy. 

Look at how deftly she discredits Hansuke while ensuring she is seen as the one who has the most concern for him. Look at how she makes it look as though Hansuke was trying something shady, to run tests on him without his consent, how can he overstep those boundaries - as if she doesn’t do that very thing at every opportunity. That’s how it works! You isolate your victim by making them believe everyone is out to harm them, that no one is trustworthy - no one except yourself, of course. It’s how she remains that safe shelter to him. Even though she does overstep his boundaries, even though she inserts herself into his business, she’s also the one who brings him “comfort”, the only one who he can trust. And it’s why he is unable to part ways with that manipulated reality he adheres to. It’s why, when other people speak the truth to him, he cannot believe it if it contradicts what he knows and believes, and that’s why no one is able to get through to him. 

Kousuke is a textbook victim of manipulation - he can never grow and progress as long as Yui exists. 

And something that someone pointed out (in the first link I included above!) is the visual progression of that. While we knew Kousuke would likely regress and everything he confronted and admitted would be out the window if Yui shows up, it’s further illustrated at the beginning of the episode and how it’s juxtaposed against the last scene we saw. 

From Nol and Shinae standing together, hands clutched and Nol resting on her shoulder with the sunrise and light, the clocks turn back and grow darker and darker, until Kousuke awakes. His moment of illumination is over, he’s back to the dark. Yui’s arrival represents that darkness, and how it undoes every moment of truth he had prior. 

As long as Yui remains in Kousuke’s proximity, he will always be in the dark, unable to reach the light. 

In that same comment, they talked about the parallels in how we were shown Nol, Shinae, and Kousuke all waking up in the hospital. 

Shinae woke to her father and his love and care. There was never a moment she had to doubt him. I still can’t get over that little snippet of Minhyuk in the hospital before she’d fully woken, how feral he sounded, how upset he was about what happened - that he knew he was one of the only people who actually cared about her and his anger at how she was hurt. There was never a moment that Shinae had to doubt these people. Even though her mom has left and took her sister, too, Shinae has never had to feel entirely alone. 

On the flip side, Nol didn’t wake up to relatives, to his parents. He woke up to panic and fear and his fight or flight senses kicked in - until he noticed Shinae asleep at the foot of his bead and realized he wasn’t alone. His friends showed up despite the way he had treated him to celebrate him, to make him feel special, to make him feel better in the ways that they can. Nol has spent a lot of time alone, but he’s not. He has people at his side. 

But Kousuke also wakes up alone - no peace, but instead a hard to make out argument outside his door. Isn’t that awful? At least Shinae and Nol wake up to a sense of comfort, but Kousuke wakes up to people arguing about him. When he fully wakes and sits up, there’s no one in the room. Just him. And then in sweeps Yui, paying off a nurse to trash Rand’s gift, ready to spin a new web to further ensnare Kousuke. 

As long as Yui remains that safe place, that comfort to Kousuke, he cannot be free. 

That’s the power of isolation, that’s the power of discrediting the people around him, of ensuring he believes only her words, convincing him that only she knows him well enough, that only she can help him, only she will tell him the truth. 

“They were all superfluous. Don’t worry, I told him to stop. It’s best to save resources on patients that actually need it, right?” 

We know Hansuke is in the right mind, wanting to run tests on Kousuke. He is rightfully concerned that something is going on with Kousuke and hopes tests could be indicative of something. He’s a doctor and thus believes in science and if there’s scientific evidence, maybe THAT could sway Kousuke, maybe THAT could convince him to listen. But not only does Yui put a stop to it, but she manages to discredit his intentions. She conveys to Kousuke exactly what she needs to - of course there’s nothing wrong with you you’re just fine don’t listen to what anyone else says because they don’t know you like I do. They’re all just being so dramatic. 

And the next time Hansuke dares bring up to Kousuke that maybe he needs to get checked out, Kousuke will double down against him, will continue to believe Hansuke has a vendetta against him, will add him to his growing list of paranoia. The one person who is actively fighting for Kousuke is a big threat to Yui, so she has to ensure that Kousuke won’t trust him.

But that begs the question then. Is she putting a stop to the tests in effort to discredit Hansuke, or is it more than that? I am not a medical person, so this is not my area of expertise and I can only go off of the input others have put out there. I do personally think that whatever Kousuke is dealing with is not so much a mental illness as much as a response to the various stressors in his life, and while I do think a psych evaluation could at least better pinpoint a way to help Kousuke, that’s not the kind of test that Hansuke could have run while he was out. 

But what could be gleaned from simple labwork and urine analysis? If what Kousuke is dealing with is his stress levels and his response to internalized fears and jealousy resulting in paranoia, if it’s his body’s reaction to dealing with a past trauma, if it’s his body shutting down when he can’t deal with something, that’s not something blood is going to show right? 

There’s a lot of theories.

The first assumes both the rules of the mukoyoshi theory and that Kousuke is not, in fact, Rand’s child. It would go like this: because Rand was adopted into the Hirahara family by his marriage to Yui, it means he is treated as much as a blood relative as Yui is, and because the family business passes through the males, it means Rand’s progeny are the next in line for heir. This theory can branch off a couple ways. 

The first is obviously if it’s found out that Kousuke isn’t Rand’s child - but from simple labwork, would that even be possible? Unless Hansuke is checking Kousuke’s blood type AND knows the blood types of Rand and Yui, how would he be able to uncover the truth? But still, Yui would want to cover that truth at all costs, so maybe stopping Hansuke before he gets further and digs in deeper? 

But there’s also the fact that if it was believed Kousuke was not fit to be CEO, that his mental state was worrying or they couldn’t trust him to carry out the necessary duties, he could be stripped of his role - and it would go to the next in line, and as a blood-relative of Rand, that would be Nol. Thus, it would be very important to cover up any indicator that Kousuke cannot handle his role as heir. While we know Kousuke’s stress responses are directly related to unassessed psychological triggers, it would be easy for someone on the outside to look at him and go “He can’t handle stress and he lashes out at people, he isn’t fit for this.” And I don’t think that stress response is new to Kousuke. Though we didn’t see it really take affect until Nol and Kousuke were working closely together and Kousuke’s fears and paranoia were reawakened, we can assume from what little we saw of Kousuke’s recollection of the night Nol was taken away that this was another time he reacted to psychological triggers and shut down. 

@poisonheart pointed this out and it really put a lot of things into new light. It would also lend credence to Nol being unstable - ensure that he never stands a chance, that no one will ever think he’s fit for the role. 

Anyway, that brings us back to: Yui cannot have anyone, and especially not Kousuke, thinking there’s anything wrong with him. It’s not that she believes he’s perfect and thinks anyone who wants to run tests is insulting. It’s that she knows Kousuke is not perfect and she cannot let anyone find out. It would be so easy for the company to swing to one of her sister’s husbands if it turned out Kousuke and Nol were unfit and she absolutely cannot have that. That’s HER fortune, that’s HER business and she will not let it fall into the hands of another man. 

I want to make it clear that when I say something is wrong with Kousuke, I mean that when his triggers stress him out too much, he goes on spirals. I don’t think it’s something like “Kousuke is bipolar” because we can see clearly WHAT affects him, WHAT sets him off, and why it sets him off. I think, in an ideal world where it as easily possible, Kousuke was able to make peace with his feelings about his father, he’d be able to make peace with his feelings about Nol, and he’d be able to eventually reduce the probability of getting swept into these spirals. If Kousuke had no reason to fear Nol, to feel jealous of him, the intense need to best him at every opportunity, if he didn’t see everything Nol does as being an attack against him, as him plotting against him, as him trying to overtake him, he wouldn’t get so worked up. 

I also think making peace with Rand and Nol means whatever it is Kousuke is protecting himself from, whatever it is that happened in his falsified memory, would have less power over him. It’s not that Kousuke would act like this regardless - it’s that he is actively responding to things that trigger these reactions. 

I think I lost track of where I’m going lmao the point is: Kousuke is a direct result of the manipulation he’s experienced, and every time he experiences a truth that goes against the world Yui has gaslighted him into believing in, he cannot process it and it breaks him down. It’s a normal reaction! He’s not reacting like this because there’s something “wrong” with him, he is responding to high levels of stress and his brain wants to maintain the truth he knows. Certainly he needs therapy, but we all do. They all do. 

And this episode illuminates WHY and HOW Kousuke remains trapped in this state, and why any attempt at showing him the truth goes awry. Kousuke doesn’t put his beliefs ahead of other peoples’ solely because he has superiorlistic feelings about himself - it’s because he has to, in order to continue what he knows. 

Yui offering him tea is also a chilling moment, because we know the way Nol reacts to tea. He knows - he understands. But on the flipside, Kousuke doesn’t have the same reaction to it. He may even associate tea with comfort. I think this difference is VERY important, because Nol is aware of the witch Yui is, he probably is aware of the ways she has hurt him. Kousuke, though, isn’t. He still seeks comfort from her, and the tea theory, that maybe it’s laced, that maybe it is something his body responds to in order to placate him, is an important one. I don’t think this theory goes as far as some people think - I don’t think he’s being constantly drugged by his personal chef, for instance, nor do I think he ate or drank anything that night that would have triggered how he acted this night because a. Yui was surprised when he showed up to the party at all and b. Again, everything about Kousuke’s reactions are perfectly in line with the things that tip him off. He didn’t get worked up because he was drugged, he got worked up because he was responding to the dissonance between what he believes and what he sees, the stress of what Nol did and how Kousuke fears it will reflect on him, and his desperation to never disappoint Rand. 

HOWEVER I AM very much on board with the idea that after very traumatizing moments, perhaps Yui has placated Kousuke with a special tea that would calm him down and interrupt the dissonance, something he would come to associate as calm and safety, and thus further push her goal of ensuring Kousuke only feels safe with her, that she is the only one he can trust and seek refuge in. Everything going wrong and then mommy shows up with nice special tea and suddenly he’s calm and all those questions have been tucked away, there’s a new memory in its place; that’s not how that played out now is it, dear, wasn’t it like this? 

Something else about Yui worth noting is that she is VERY unhappy. There’s something so jarring and uncomfortable about the way she reacts when Kousuke tells her he was looking for Nol and Rand, that Nol has been hurt. That eerie smile mask of hers and how it closes in on her, that she came not because Kousuke needed her but she needed something from him - she needed to know Nol’s whereabouts, she needed to know where her scheming husband has gone. And Kousuke has no information for her. She is ANGRY but it’s also an opportunity to further drive that wedge. Rand isn’t here - not only does that mean he’s not here to check on Kousuke but it also means someone lied, whether it was Rand or Jayce, and it doesn’t matter which it was because Kosuuke will internalize it in the worst possible way. Why didn’t they come here, why did they hide their location? As readers we know exactly why - Rand is protecting Nol from Yui. But in doing so, it looks like he’s hiding things from Kousuke and he will not be able to rationalize it any other way. 

Even his reaction to the fact that Rand isn’t here shows that - he’s starting to get worked up again, he’s agitated, he doesn’t know where they are and Nol was hurt and Yui is grabbing his injured hand and trying to placate him. There’s something about Kousuke’s “You don’t believe me...?” that REALLY hurts, because it’s all a part of her manipulation. He’s in a vulnerable state, he’s confused and instead of receiving clarity, Yui is muddying the waters. If Yui doesn’t believe him, does that mean he could be wrong? Does it mean that Jayce was wrong? 

Again, in the end, he can rely on and trust only Yui. 

I really love that we also got to see Meg and Jayce! What an unlikely duo! I have this hope that one day Meg and Kousuke can become unlikely friends - as much as anyone can be friends with Kousuke lol. I think we’ve seen that, like Hansuke, she is someone who at least likes Kousuke for something attributed to who he is, rather than chasing him for the fortune and power. I think that could have added fuel to the fire, but we’ve seen that Meg’s interest in Kousuke was rooted in him being one of the only people in her life to cheer her on, to make her feel seen and like she can do what she sets her mind to, unlike her parents who encouraged her to give up and go for something easy. I don’t want to downplay her harassment and stalking, because it was very much so out of line but I’m glad she seems to be coming around and I think from that, if Kousuke can ever learn to be comfortable around her, we could see a really interesting dynamic of friendship. I think Meg has a lot of potential to have a similar relationship as Kousuke and Shinae have had, where Shinae calls out Kousuke and tries not to let him push her around and make her feel small. Clearly there’s a lot of things Meg and Kousuke both need to work through and it’s not something that would immediately happen, but I think it might be a series of incidents that could build up to them being able to trust each other, maybe? 

Meg finding the gift that was thrown out fuels that hope, at least. I know right now she takes it as Kousuke choosing to throw it out, but I wonder if we won’t get to see a scene where Meg mentions the gift he threw out and makes Kousuke go “Excuse me? What? I would never throw out something from Father” and create that little seed of doubt. That’s the biggest issue with Kousuke being caught in Yui’s web - no one can get through to him. But if that seed of doubt is planted, if could lead to Kousuke questioning the things he needs to. Because if she’s thrown out this gift, what else has she thrown out. What else has she prevented? What else has she lied about? Maybe he can reach that conclusion that it wasn’t that he was never good enough for Rand, but that she continued to make that gap wider and wider and to destroy every bridge before either Kousuke or Rand ever had a chance to cross them. Even if it’s not the case and she hasn’t actually interfered as much as we think, it still creates that doubt, because it still means she lied and that she isn’t the only pillar of truth in his life, and there’s still a question of what else he’s lied about. 

I love that we get to see Meg hanging around that long, too. I mean, I’m glad she’s getting a wuber and will go home, but I just can’t help but feel like we will get to see a lot more of Meg and Kousuke - after all, just like her unlikely appearance with Yujing, they DO have a lot of mutuals, and Meg has become much more important to the story than anyone could have accounted for. Now that she holds the actual key to possibly unlocking some doubt in Kousuke’s mind, I think we will get to see more of her. Again, I know at the begnning her harassment was treated as a tasteless joke, but I love Meg because of how much we’ve already seen her change and grow, her decision to love herself and stand up for herself. I think in time we might get to see Kousuke develop a sense of respect for her, as he kind of has with Shinae. I like to hope that she might be able to eventually bring some comfort to Kousuke, in the way that maybe she can be someone who brings him truth and honesty. I don’t mean this as a shippy thing, but just in the sense that Kousuke is very much alone. Shinae has people who love and care about her. Nol has people who love and care about him. Kousuke doesn’t have that as much. Having someone who has your back is vital. That’s what makes it so hard for victims to leave - where do they go? who do they turn to? When for so long their abuser has been their only sense of comfort and shelter, when their abuser has made everyone view the victim as hysterical and dramatic, when they are left all on their own, isn’t that scary? 

This isn’t a “they can fix him” thing, but rather for Kousuke to grow he needs to escape his mom, and for him to do THAT he needs to understand who she is and what she’s done to him. Hansuke is doing his best, but maybe having someone else on his side would be beneficial. These are complex stories and it’s not enough to just have someone at your side, there’s a lot of psychological recovery for Kousuke to work through - but it’s not as daunting when you aren’t alone. 

Idk, I say it every week but I just. I have a LOT of feelings. I’ve really enjoyed the complexity of the pain train that is Kousuke (I took that from @poisonheart lmao) because it’s so well done. He is a man who has been manipulated his entire life, he’s felt neglected by his father, he’s been isolated, everyone who cares about him has been discredited, he’s been trapped in this web and haunted by his jealousies and fears and he’s lashed out every time he feared he was losing his place, every time he worried Nol would best him. Just like how tragic it is that Yui was able to drive that wedge between Rand and Kousuke, it’s tragic that Yui has been able to do this to Kousuke, that as a result of the seeds she’s sown, he’s grown up to be this kind of person, to do despicable things, to break someone so that they never had the chance to grow.

Nothing ever happens in a vacuum, nothing is ever black and white. Kousuke is both a victim and an abuser. Rand is both suffering from Yui’s games and a bad, absent parent. Nol was hurt over and over by Kousuke and still reached out, still tried to help, tried to bond. I think we absolutely have to acknowledge that Kousuke is dealing with something that is very difficult to escape, that is very psychologically damaging. That’s why we can’t look at him and go “I can’t believe a grown adult is acting like that.” There’s always more to the story, and it’s unfortunate that the pain inflicted on these characters has caused them to hurt someone else.

Rand’s misery led to him giving up and hurting his son, which lead to his son living with so much fear and jealousy that he hurt the only person who tried to reach out to him over and over again, which lead to that person hurting the people who loved him and wanted to help. It’s an endless cycle, and even though it begins with Yui, I’m sure she has her own hurt, too, that she’s turned on everyone else. 

[pepsiiwho]

What's your opinion on the moon socal link in Persona3?

Oo great question… I’m of two minds

(Spoilers under the cut)

Oh one hand, I like nozomi. He isn’t as immediately compelling as some of the other students in the school (Keisuke, miyamoto, Yuko, Bebe, etc etc) but his inferiority complex and obvious grief in relation to his twin brother soften his otherwise bossy and difficult nature. He’s a coward both in how he views the world and in how he interacts with others. He sees someone strong and, seemingly, confident in themselves and resents MC for it as much as he regales him. It’s a shakey balance.

I think he’s just a really hurt kid who lost someone important to him too soon and hasn’t healed from that and hasn’t been given the right space to heal from that— so the wound hasn’t even scabbed. He eats to get past the failure he feels in relation to his brothers death and past the fact he isn’t good enough. Yet, he’s all that’s left.

There’s a lot of interesting things to point at with his social link and a lot of different ways to go about it.

The game, unsurprisingly, chose none of them.

Nozomi (Nozo) as he is in the game has this insidious secondary plot that begins to take center stage when we find out he is a recruiter for a religious cult trying to bring in the hopeless for salvation and eternal paradise— for a small continuous fee. While playing, it’s difficult to tell if nozo actively believes the dogma the cult is dropping and is recruiting people out of the goodness of his heart or if he understands that it’s ruining lives, his own included. At first I assumed he did understand and was doing that willingly because he needed to feel like he was finally good at something (top earning recruiter of the year idk idk) but as the link continued it gets more vague if he’s a grifter or if he honestly believes in what he’s selling (when he sold me paradise it started to dawn that he might actually be subscribing to this notion and I was a bit confused).

On the other hand…his story seems… muddled about what It wants to be.

I think the cult isn’t a bad vehicle to explore, especially in a game so heavily focused on grief and accepting the reality of death— and considering there aren’t really any other characters who are seemingly terrified of this he could’ve been a great vehicle to explode that very real (very debilitating) fear many people carry with them.

In an ideal version of his story I imagine Nozo being this good critic who has lots of followers and fans who are actively glad to see him when he goes to restaurants and waits on his every word. He’s proud of this fact as well, and flaunts it to you at every chance, and because you follow him so diligently and just listen he allows you into his flock as his right hand (religious imagery of sheep and Shepard here to tie back to the cult). You join him, thins progress as usual and he slowly opens up about the fact he had a twin brother who passed a few years back, relatively recently. He doesn’t say it plainly, but you hear some contempt for the brother there (as you do in canon). Constantly comparing MC and his brother for their good looks and athletics and general vibe. Maybe Nozo, more openly hurting here, says he’s glad his brother is gone. He just didn’t understand anything.

The father and his cronies continue to come for Nozo and he gradually lets more and more of his anxieties out. What if I never get fit in this life? What if I never become good at anything? What if I’m an unknown nobody everyone hates? What if I’m never better than the brother who died at 10? Life is so short and so fleeting! His perfect brother was taken young; having done nothing wrong and he remains. The fuck up. The nobody. He’s all that’s left of his brother— them sharing the same face… it’s almost like a ghosting is haunting Nozo and reminding him of his impending doom at every mirror flash.

(Thought I can’t fit anywhere else, the eating disorder could be because Nozo was always on the heavier side or maybe he’s just always loved food period but I’d prefer if his thought process was “eating is for the living! If I’m alive I should eat” because it’s something the dead have no use for. Maybe his brother was more a foodie and this is another way to remember him and one up him… dealers choice)

This leads into the truth about the cult and he really believes in it here just because he’s so afraid of the concept of “nothing” coming next. His perfect brother’s thread cut too soon and all he got was… nothing? The idea terrifies him unlike anything else. He must believe in paradise. The other option is too much to handle.

Things continue on as they would and then we find out that his “fans” are all people who have been fully indoctrinated into the cult and just support him out of necessity. He’s the best highest grossing recruiter in this prefect and that’s why he has even a modicum of success— it’s all fabricated. And he knows this, but it’s better than believing the harsh truth (trying in with the themes of inescapable truth/ mortality).

Things basically end the same way? Uhh (checks notes) confesses, admits he’s terrified and still leaves the cult and promises to do better and live a life he’ll be proud of— that his brother can be proud of as well.

(Coughs) man I didn’t mean to do an entire think piece but— I like this guy. I like everyone really. P3 is eating me alive.

Thank you for the ask love u ❤️⭐️… everyone talk to me about p3 forever

[notwarriorswiki]

Will StarClan be changed in anyway? Also did any other books go differently? Such as Leopardstar's honor or the Forbidded Spottedleaf's Heart?; or did even some cats change besides the ones you already have mentioned? Is not everyone related to Firestar. (Also your art is amzing, I loaf in so much). Ahhh more questions? Will names be changed; IF Twigbranch is made a warrior in any of the Clans will her name be changed or stay the same. Twigbranch is one of my faves so...

I just want to say how much I’ve missed writing for you guys, answering questions, and just fleshing out the Warriors world. What an amazing fandom it is, and I just appreciate everyone who interacts with and supports me so sincerely much. Thank you! <3

StarClan change - there’s a higher power above StarClan, like one single all knowing being. StarClan is just a bunch of dead cats and they interact with the living here and there as needed to pass on the higher power’s foreseeable word. This higher being, known as Chi (a very large chimera cat) is concerned though as the barrier between living and dead is wavering. These cats are leaving physical marks and can harm the living, something Chi doesn’t want. This is the catalyst for Power of Twelve, Chi granting powers to the mortal 12 in hopes they can find the way to sever the connection and push both StarClan and The Dark Forest away.

This is very hard for the 12 to learn as time goes on. They realize what they must do, but they’re all young and have grown up with StarClan being the brightest of lights and the most trustworthy. However, upon having their faith shaken and realizing not all of StarClan is alright with what they’re attempting to do, the 12 understand light and darkness are two sides that must exist in equal parts. To dispel the Dark Forest, they must also dispel StarClan.

Books that went Differently - Spottedleaf’s Heart was extensively changed. Thistleclaw doesn’t even attempt a relationship, he just tries to manipulate her to give him favor with Sunstar so that he might become deputy and then leader. It’s kinda like a Hawkfrost/Mothwing situation where ambitious warrior bullies medicine cat to fake signs and get what they want.

As for Leopardstar’s Honor, I’d remove her having romantically loved Frogleap and Tigerstar. Idk, she always read as ace/aro if anything - just very much thinking about RiverClan and making them the best. It just feels very unnecessary for her story, especially when I find it far more compelling the way she adopts Whiteclaw and tends to him after the death of his parents. Her being this single mother who cares for him like her father and the clan did for her I think is far more poetic than her little romantic bursts, but that’s just me.

Finally I think I would’ve either made it clearer her disdain for half-clan cats that she’d kill some of her closest friends, OR lean into it being the ThunderClan problem because Leopardstar was endlessly bothered by ThunderClan. I mean losing her best friend, losing Whiteclaw, Oakheart, Sunningrocks quarrels, Silverstream, and then Tigerstar whispering in her ear and the usurping, and now she learns about two of her close friends Mistyfoot and Stonefur?? Like pick a narrative and I guess sell that a bit more because it feels like there’s something there and they have the pieces but they’re not really tying it into that bow that I’d personally like to see.

I guess those are more writing critiques than event changes, but geez I’d also sell Leopardstar’s actual honor and redeem her better than whatever book did. Oh yeah, what if they acknowledged her diabetes?

Name changes do happen! Sparkpelt is now Sparkfire and Twigbranch is now Twigshade. I chose Twigshade so then she matches with her sister Violetshine.

[rangedreign]

ohhh my favourite part of ask games, (harmless) petty fandom drama. i know these are a lot so ofc feel free to pick and choose but im nosy and love gossip so if you feel like it *eyes emoji*:

1 2 (just for the drama lol) 6 (feel free to ignore i understand u completely but i live for drama lol) 7 (MORE) 8 12 (<3) 16 (*eyes emoji*) 21 22 (for some final positivity)

1 - the character everyone gets wrong cedric the sorcerer. he deserves respect as a person, and the royal family was wrong to deny him that, but he does little to earn respect as royal sorcerer. 'oh he has such a good and relatable arc' whup tee doo his grand finale was... *checks notes* doing his job correctly. the one he's been training for his whole life. color me unimpressed by a character that should have either left that job YEARS ago or put a little effort into anticipating what he'd be asked to do and practicing instead of trying to prove his worth through stunts and domination.

2 - a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom can't do it lol, everyone's a verse in my mind

6 - which ship fans are the most annoying? shoutout to the time i went through the snape/lily tag and couldn't scroll 3 posts without a james/lily shipper trying to pull moral rank. however i think 75% of the hp fandom has ship rabies.

7 - what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them? eh, none, i don't let fandom influence my interpretations of characters that way. cedric is closest but the fandom misinterpretation is just an additional annoyance, rather than a driving force

8 - common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about 'cedric and sofia have a good relationship'. shipping or not, they're completely one-sided. what does cedric provide sofia with? he doesn't even listen to her particularly well.

12 - the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them to no one's surprise, my first pick here is wormwood from sofia the first. he was created as a joke, ha ha the pet is smarter than the human master, but then the show makes you judge him by human moral standards as the foil to cedric's 'deserving of second chances'. the show itself asks you to view a character that cannot leave servitude as human, and wants you to believe that his station is right. it's so deeply unfair. i care him. i respect him. i want to see him take the power of humanity for himself, abuse it, naturally, because that's all humans have ever done to him, then grow into a complete person when he realizes he cares despite it all. knowing that, i feel like mentioning areelu should come as no surprise. doing great evil in response to evil that was done to you? that's so up my alley. up my pussy even. making her bond with daeran of all people is such a great idea, someone who cannot forgive her, but must move on and work with her regardless. it seems like most people write her off as too evil to live, but she's still a super genius. there's a lot to be gained by befriending her. the gold dragon ""redemption"" happens so absurdly fast though. 'oh shit guess this is pretty fucked up, so glad you're a piss-colored lizard bc that's the only way i'd ever listen to you' wrath's writing in general has a bit of a quantity over quality issue. a lacking-logic issue. no way my azata would sacrifice herself just cuz without knowing what areelu will do once she's gone.

16 - you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc) - hero-type main characters in general. idk exactly what it is but i find most of them very dull, and often irritating. a lack of desires beyond duty? can't often be described as freaks? they just never have any footholds for interesting ideas to me. - gold aasimar cum. if you want something golden to come out of daeran's dick, you can just make him piss XD also does that imply his hair is naturally white? - daeran x chill/lawful/'boring' kcs - i can tell that on some level he wants the stability from people like that, but i can't see him actually bonding with them. esp not towards the start of the game. - truly, utterly pathetic meow meows. like, listen, i love shoving a character into a Situation and watching them flounder around, but they've gotta be proficient at something!

21 - part of canon you think is overhyped for just about everything: the worldbuilding. i think people get impressed by the mere existence of worldbuilding, rather than the quality of it. pf surprised me when i looked deeper into stuff and found it gave me the same 'this is a hot mess and i have to make shit up for it to make sense' feeling as stf. i expected better from a massive ttrpg but ok. for wrath, also the characters and the music. the characters rely on one-note personalities with maybe a ~hint~ of spice, with one extremely notable exception of daeran. the degree to which he beats out every other character in complexity is stunning, really. the music is... just fine? it's not amazing, it does exactly what you'd expect a track for that purpose to do. I think most of the tracks have muddy orchestration, too much focus on harmony/vibes and not enough on rhythm and melody. the one track i really love is 'a drink before the battle', it has a great flow and dynamics and i wish it played more often.

22 - your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores the villains/antagonists, best part of literally any media ever

[mengyao]

writing ask meme: 3 &/or 30?

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?

i've always felt that my writing is very identifiable, embarrassingly so. this isn't necessarily a bad thing--i like to think my stuff has? personality??

but specifically… i love "unexpected tenderness" type stuff between characters who have a fraught dynamic and either aren't expecting tenderness from the other person or are going against their own ~better judgment~ to offer it. i eat that shit up.

other ingredients of the cocktail i would consider the Bloodletter Special:

class dynamics… sometimes this is more obvious than others but yanno

characters having gender (in some way or another, regardless of whether they're trans) but specifically having gender as a facet of broader questions of self-definition or agency… i just find it really compelling TT

sex before feelings and/or characters having sex while denying that they have feelings

Weird (But Enjoyable) Intimacy As Catalyst For Emotional Journeys… this may be related to the previous two bullet points or it may not be.

subpoint of above: i do make a point to write more explicit content than i otherwise would when i'm writing about characters having gender because i'm trying to be the change re: boring or personally unappealing trends in the trans(/etc) fic porn that's common to find on ao3… but also i just think it's an interesting lens for a lot of different aspects of character. Porn As Character Study yk. but yes i do have a self-inflicted mission to convince people that you can indeed write fic porn about trans characters that is a) sincerely horny [rather than being so wrapped up in Not Getting Things Wrong that it feels... detached?] and b) distinguishable from bad a/b/o (sorry to be a bitch. but.) obvi it's also a matter of personal taste and i'm sure there are people who hate my trans fic porn and they are so valid. however i will not stop writing it because i find it fun and can do what i want

dark humour… these days i think my stuff gets more comedic the heavier the subject matter gets (though this is also hard to gauge because idk if things i consider funny ping as funny to a reader other than myself)

i Will tell you where every scene is set. you Will be informed of this. usually in more detail than is necessary. (i've been actively trying to resist doing this while writing my most recent HX fic, because one of my tenets of writing he xuan POV is to not describe physical/material details to add colour to the scene unless i want the reader to be noticing that he xuan is thinking about a given thing, or it's necessary to understand what's going on. it takes A LOT of willpower on my part!)

characters getting angry… i just really like (justified) conflict. the girls are fighting!

people having baths and/or playing with each other's hair. i literally get embarrassed over how often i write this into things but does it stop me? absolutely not

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?

i rarely stay in my comfort zone for larger projects tbh. i crave novelty and a challenge B)

the most recent example is definitely panting like a dog at the edge of your bed because i've never written anything that's about sexual violence in such an overt way (even though it's also about other things…). part of my brain still haunted by the spectral voices of various ex friends was convinced that i'd get a bunch of people vagueing me in bad faith over it (probably without even reading it), and the fact that that..didn't…happen…. is reassuring lol. so i guess the takeaway is that most people paying any level of attention to my small fry ao3 profile are not going to do weird discourse at me at the drop of a hat and i can calm down (this is not the first time i've had a similar mental dialogue with myself over various topics and i doubt it will be the last)

[wellofdean]

So, I read the response above which is so interesting, and I want to keep thinking about it, and then after that had these interesting tags in my feed from @bloodyentrails...

#i think that sam being compassionate towards certain people is kinda normal we tend to relate on a personal level#and him being queer-coded etc doesn't mean you have to care about him#just that that is a thing?#idk what kind of discourse i'm wandering into a lot of the time but relating to characters#and understanding they have been written in a certain way isn't the same thing#which is to say that i would love it if the writing had tackled that inconsistency#but i find that the show on the whole is inconsistent#and i think it's hard to maintain consistency over so many years with so many people working on it#i do think both of them are *trying* to be good people and they sometimes fail and also what constitutes a good person is kinda open#anyway#bear in mind i'm still only halfway through so#maybe i'll change my mind on all this#spn

It's a point worth considering that in the world of the show, Sam's sympathy for monsters seems principled and some how defies gravity, but that in the real world it wouldn't translate to anything real; that's likely true, and an interesting point. Having said that, I think Sam is pretty clearly not particularly"real world" compassionate, and I don't need monsters to make the argument that Sam is not the compassionate one because he shows a general lack of empathy towards PEOPLE, including but by no means limited to Dean, throughout the show. And, ok, he sometimes argues for a compassionate response to monsters and Dean doesn't always respond favourably, but that's because Sam fears he is one, and he needs to believe monsters are not all bad, which is not borne out of compassion, it's a rationalization that serves his psychological needs.

Basically, I think Sam is all surface. Sam is the urbane one, the smart one, the compassionate one, the one who talks nice to people, the broadly queer-coded one, the feminist, etc., but with Sam, all that is skin deep. He APPEARS as such! He's good at pretending, but he's nearly as savage as John is, Dean is much more sensitive to other people's needs, Dean is every bit as clever as he is, and intuitive to boot, Sam can ACT compassionate, but in fact he isn't really very empathetic to anyone, and he is able to just move on from all the things Dean just can't, Sam's not in fact queer, but Dean is queered to his fucking bones, and Sam's the one whose unconsciously replicated misogyny allows him to think any woman that would be into Dean is obviously a whore, and to keep his girlfriend in the dark about the truth of his life, while Dean is just talking a big game of cartoon misogyny TO SAM while treating the women he interacts with pretty fucking respectfully, actually.

Honestly, it's the same as the way Sam is supposedly the 'main character'. He's introduced as the one we should care about and identify with, but within, like, two episodes, he's really just a foil for Dean. Sam has BIG PLOTS, but it's Dean's feelings, reactions and relationships we really care about.

And, the fact is, Sam was pretty well-realized in the earlier eps. JarPad was giving it some effort, and he was charming then with his boyishness -- the way he seemed like he hadn't fully lived into his physical real estate -- but the thing is, he never could really hold a candle to Dean who was just magnetic. All the interesting character development was given to Dean and Jensen killed it by always making it seem like Dean had so much going on under the surface, and like, to the extent I care about Sam, it's because Dean loves him.

I kind of wonder what happened. Was Dean always meant to be the dark horse hero? Or was Dean just...played by a better, more compelling actor, and they started writing for him instead? There are so many much more interesting things they could have done with Sam, and they just...DIDN'T.

I dunno, I suppose it could just be me, but I feel like the way Sam just SEEMS, Dean IS.

maybe this is me being a dumb overly literal autist stemlord who simply does not understand literary theory or some shit equivalent but why should i care about someone being coded as [X] when i can just. care about someone who is [X]. why should i care more about the conventionally attractive white woman with a job and mortgage because she's metaphorically othered due to being a supernatural creature when i could care about the actually othered addicts that she used as a source of food. help me out here.