#idk the only I mean ONLY reason I'm even bothering is bc the last one was a disaster

[thornsent]

name legally changed

[redbullgirly]

HI BABRIE! HI KEN! [part 3, LH44 smau]

Lewis Hamilton x pregnant!reader [social media au]

Masterlist & Hi Barbie! Hi Ken! [part 1, LH44 smau] & Hi Barbie! Hi Ken! [part 2, LH 44 smau]

Summary: Lewis and his "real-life Barbie" girlfriend Y/N Y/L/N have a secret they keep from the fans. Though it's only matter of time before they announce the happy news... it's not like it can stay hidden forever anyways.

Warnings: Pregnancy. Slight hate and bodyshaming towards Y/N. If you're not in the right headspace, please don't read it!🫶

Author's Note: After quite some time, hello! I'm so sorry this took so long, but life has been so busy and hectic last month I simply didn't have time and energy to write this sooner. Though I'm very glad for everyone who waited for this part and I hope you'll like it. It's probably not the last one, I have few ideas for more parts. But I don't want to promise anything, we all know how long this part took XD.

lewishamilton posted on instagram

liked by orlandobloom, f1, sebastianvettel, emmawatson and others

tagged: yourcharity

lewishamilton So proud to support charity program for the involvement of children from disadvantaged families in sports yourusername has been working on for a few years now. All money raised from the friendly basketball match goes to the fond of the charity. Let's change lives of these talented kids together! 💫🙏🏾

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user1 basketball players should be grateful our king chose to be f1 driver 😌

user2 fr

yourusername together we can change the world for better!! 💫💕

liked by the author

user3 You make our lives better by existing Y/N😍😍

user4 I think this is too idealistic lol

user5 queen speaking facts and keeping us motivated

user6 LET HER COOK 🗣🗣🗣

user7 Sir Lewis Hamilton is Sir for a reason 👑

mercedesamgf1 🙏🤍

user8 even though he'll be driving for ferrari next year mercedes still supports him!!!

user9 and what did you think? that they'll ignore him or hate him suddenly? he still got a whole season w them 🤣 plus it's all marketing

user10 nah i'll just live in delusion that admin loves lewis & y/n🥰🥰🥰🥰

user11 I love how you use your platform to raise awareness

user12 omg he's so hot 🥵

user13 Wait, why is Lewis at Y/N's charity event instead of her? I usually support her, but this is just weird... why can't she stand up for her own thing?

user14 RIGHT?! idk why she didn't even bother showing there

user15 Honestly I think that Lewis going there brings more attention to it than just her going there, and it's a good thing people are noticing this organization. Though I don't understand why she didn't go there as well 🤷‍♀️

user16 guys stop wtf she could be sick or smth

user14 or she's just another attention seeker... never liked her tbh

user16 the only attention seeker here is u user14 get a life and stop hating 😘

user14 i'm not hating, i'm stating facts and unlike y/n i don't need a man to do shit for me lmfao

user17 Y'all are really getting mad over nothing xddd

user18 Amazing work! 👏 you make the difference, Lewis😍🖤💛

user19 the fact he has pink pants bc it's y/n's fav color and it's for a charity event she helped organize... i want a man like him 😩

user20 He's down bad for her!!!

user21 I mean... who wouldn't, just look at her🤭

user22 fr what i'd give to talk to y/n once

user23 Our fashion barbie iconic Queen 💖💖

user24 Lew giving the little boy a fist bump🥹

user25 he is going to be a great dad one day

user24 Oh definitely!🫶

user26 can't wait for dad lewis

user27 omggg imagine little him and y/n running around the paddock 😭😭

user26 they'll be sooo cute istg

twitter

yourusername posted on instagram

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tagged: mercedesamgf1, lewishamilton and roscoelovescoco

yourusername japan grand prix w my favs 🇯🇵🤍

view all 4,249 comments

lewishamilton 🤍🤍

liked by the author

user1 awww i live for bf lewis

user2 YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER

user3 and who would that be user2 ?? you? lmfao u wish🤣🤣

user4 the disrespect of writing these things under HIS COMMENT where he shows SUPPORT to HIS GIRLFRIEND...

user5 Lewis & Y/N 4ever 🫶

user6 omg look at roscoe baby so cute

user7 the teeth I can't🥹

user8 It's Roscoe's world and we're just living in it fr

alexandrasaintmleux so prettyyy 🙏🌺

liked by lewishamilton and roscoelovescoco

yourusername oh stoppp u are prettier 💓💐

user9 Girls supporting girls and wags supporting wags... that's what we like!!!!

user10 the fact lewis liked alex's comment w two accounts is the best thing that happened this week😭

user11 shut uppp I didn't even notice it before user10 😭 he's such a simp I love this 😭😭

user10 i knoooow😭

user12 finally you attended a grand prix this year!!!!

user13 😍😍😍😍😍

mercedesamgf1 It's always brighter with you in the paddock Barbie Y/N!💖

liked by the author, lewishamilton and carmenmmundt

yourusername next time i'm going all out w the pink 💖🫶

user14 the legend herselffff

user15 Admin is slaying and supporting Y/N 💁‍♀️

user16 MOTHER IS SERVING ONCE AGAIN🧎🏻‍♀️

roscoelovescoco Enjoying's dad's racing's w my's best's mum's ☺️🏎

yourusername enjoying dad racing w my best son 🥹💕

user17 not roscoe slowly learning y/n's slang and saying w instead of with🤭

user18 and the fact Lewis is the one really writing it... !!!!!

user19 They're such cute a family🥰

user20 mum and dad and son... I can't it's too adorable 🫠❤️‍🩹

user21 Literally the queen of f1 and gorgeousness keep slaying

user22 where is the usual barbie aesthetic?!😥

user23 fr I want pink dresses not blue trousers

user24 Guys she can wear whatever she wants

user23 yeah true but still... she already built that image so why not keep it wtf 🤷‍♀️

user25 Covering her fat stomach with the purse ewww 🤢🥴

user26 i wanna take u haters seriously... but I just can't xd

user27 if you have anger issues like me and don't like online trolls, pls stop scrolling people! there are so many dumb users from twitter in these comments!🙃

user28 I just don't get why they're hating on Y/N all of sudden... what did she ever do to them

user29 idk, probably bcs she wasn't active for a while (she was probably not feeling well or smth as she said in an interview few days back) and didn't attend any gp till japan this year (again she was probably sick so understandable)... plus lot of f1 "fans" are jealous bitches change my mind

user30 Internet always moves in waves and one time everybody loves u and then they hate u 😬

user31 yeah but it's so sad cause y/n is such a sweetheart🥺❤️

user32 I honestly wouldn't care about the haters if they didn't attack her body and the way she looks... that's down right embarrassing and disgusting

user33 AGREED user32

twitter & messages between Y/N and Lewis

lewishamilton and yourusername posted on instagram

liked by maxverstappen1, shawnmendes, t22felton, charles_leclerc and 27,925,028 others

lewishamilton It's hard to put into words how happy and excited we are. Can't wait to hold our baby in a few months and support my dearest love on every step of the way. Feeling blessed right now 🤍🪐

comments on this post have been limited

charles_leclerc Well, that's a shocking news I didn't know about this time...😂

charles_leclerc But big congratulations!❤️

yourusername yeah we needed to give u heart attack w smth too 😉💋

susie_wolff Congratulations Lewis and Y/N, you will be great parents! 💫🫶

yourusername thx susie, we have great role models in u and toto!!! ✨❤️‍🩹

lewishamilton 🫶🏾🫶🏾

kellypiquet what a great news!🥹

yourusername love u kelly 💕

sebastianvettel Many congratulations!

lewishamilton Thank you Seb!

yourusername will u be the fun uncle??? pls seb 🥹🙏

sebastianvettel If you'll make me their godfather....

yourusername done deal 🤝

lewishamilton I-... fair enough, done deal

fencer EXCUSE ME?!! THAT'S NOT FAIR

charles_leclerc Yeah what is this favorism?!

yourusername guys it's seb how could we say no 😌✨

charles_leclerc True... fair enough then I guess 🙂

fencer I still feel VERY offended

yourusername charles don't use that ironic emoji on me and fencer u can have the second child

lewishamilton Darling that sounds like you're sacrificing our second child while the first one isn't even born yet...

yourusername whoops 🫢🙈

sebastianvettel Do you realize this is not a private conversation?

yourusername actually u can set selected comments private seb 😁

charles_leclerc Wait seriously?!

lewishamilton No, she's just testing if he's old enough to believe her 🙄

yourusername you're sour bc u believed me the first time i tried it love ☺️🫶

sebastianvettel This is exactly why I didn't have Instagram sooner.

charles_lecerc We love you Seb!❤️

yourusername yeah we do love u our new godfather!!!!💖

mercedesamgf1 Congratulations from the whole team!🤩🤍

liked by the author

alexandrasaintmleux awww so happy for both of u!💞

yourusername hope you're prepared to be the fav auntie 🤭💋

alexandrasaintmleux anything for my little nephew or niece hamilton 🫡

scuderiaferrari The next world champion on the way?😍❤️

yourusername pls i hope they'll stay far away from racing 😭

scuderiaferrari Well... then we'll at least get another tifosi 😉

georgerussell68 Wishing all the best mate!

liked by the author

landonorris Wooohooo congrats!!!

landonorris Wait- do y'all realize you'll be parents now? Like real REAL parents of an actual child?!

yourusername yeah lando that's how it usually works when u get pregnant 😊

landonorris Yeah but... wait! The child needs to be McLaren fan!

yourusername your mission to get all hamiltons to be your fan is getting more complicated, isn't it? 😂🫢

landonorris Shhhh Y/N it's a secret mission 🤫

yourusername oh my bad sry

yourusername wait why do i know about it then???

landonorris Ehhh... miscalculation?

yourusername tf lando 😭

lewishamilton I'm starting to think this baby will be our second child and Lando is our first...

landonorris Wow so can I officially say Lewis Hamilton is my daddy now?😀

lewishamilton NO

yourusername lando don't you dare or istg

landonorris Byeee parents!! 🤗

f1 Let's go! 💖👶

francisca.cgomes babyyyyy 🤎🍂

pierregasly Why the leaves?

francisca.cgomes bcs it's an autumn babyyyyy

yourusername love u kika 💕

pierregasly Oh congrats by the way!🫶

yourusername thx pierre 💕

logansargeant RAAAAAHHH 🇺🇸🦅

logansargeant Sorry alex_albon took my phone 😒 I wanted to say congratulations!🤍

alex_albon 😇

yourusername lol

yourusername but thx sm logan, you're such a sweetheart! 🫶

lilymhe I swear it'll be the cutest baby ever

yourusername babe it'll totally will if u say so 💋

kevinmagnussen 🙌

hulkhulkenberg Welcome to the dad's club on the grid Lewis! 😉

liked by the author

oscarpiastri What a happy day, congratulations! 🧡

yourusername what's the orange heart doing here oscahh??? 🤨

oscarpiastri 💖

oscarpiastri Better now?

yourusername thx oscar sm for the congrats!🥰 also you should use my signature heart emoji more often 💖

twitter

yourusername posted on instagram

liked by haileybieber, martagarcialopez19, mercedesamgf1 and 834,981 others

tagged: lewishamilton and alexandrasaintmleux

yourusername enjoying the barbie life 💖💐

view all 2,013 comments

lewishamilton Beautiful, gorgeous and my Barbie!

yourusername awww my ken 💞🫶

user1 omg i love them sm

user2 I wanna have what they have

user3 the effect bf Lewis has on me should be studied 😩

user4 Just the fact he usually isn't active on ig and doesn't comment or anything... and she is the only exception😭🤭

user5 gorgeous literally so gorgeous

user6 The baby bump 🥹🥹

user7 and she looks so good with it too 🥹🥹

alexandrasaintmleux such good times hanging out with my fav barbie! 💋💖

yourusername the best times girly!!! 💕

user8 i live for this friendship

user9 Imagine these two next year in Ferrari garage together!😍

user10 literally the only good thing coming out of lewis leaving mercedes

user11 fr fr user10

user12 Are those flowers from Lewis???

roscoelovescoco Yeah's they'res from's dad's 🌻☺️

user13 OH MY GOD ROSCOE HIIII

user12 Can't believe Lewis Hamilton replied to my comment as his dog 😭

user13 lol user12 u really won life xd

user14 this is sooo cuteee 😻

user15 You and Alex look so good together! Hope you'll be friends forever!

kellypiquet where's the bag from? it's so pretty! 😍🤍

yourusername idk lew gave it to me for christmas last year... i'll ask and let u know!! 🤍🫶

kellypiquet 🫶

user16 The queens of the paddock right here 🙌

user17 still can't believe y/n & lewis are going to be parent in a few months

user18 RIGHT?! It's like a fever dream for me 😭

user19 Yeah i was excited for dad Lewis so long that now I can't believe it's finally happening 🤭❤️

user20 the best wag right here

user21 and soon the best mum!

user22 Ur STUNNING 😭💖

user23 Woman 💅

user24 proud to say i never hated on Y/N

user25 YES

user26 always knew she's the queen 👸💗

lewishamilton posted on instagram

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tagged: yourusername

lewishamilton My beautiful Barbie. The love of my life. My partner for good times and bad times. Mother of my child. The only woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Y/N Y/L/N. 💖💫

view all 31,274 comments

yourusername can't describe in words how much i love u lew!!! 💖💫

lewishamilton Love you too darling, so much!

user1 I can't 😭

user2 i wanna have what they have

user3 THE BEST COUPLE EVER

user4 if they ever break up love isn't real

user5 I'll tell my children they are the original Barbie & Ken

user6 my parents 🥰

user7 y'all don't understand how much i love them

user8 The best parents ever!!!!

roscoelovescoco Mums looking's gorgeous 🥹☀️

lewishamilton She in fact is.

yourusername my boys making me cry 🥹💓

roscoelovescoco Oh's no's mums don't cry's 🙁

yourusername don't worry baby it's happy tears 💞

user9 now I'm crying too... this is so sweet

user10 The reason they're my favs😍

user11 why is this so precious 😭😭

user12 so prettyyyy

kellypiquet Our Barbie looking like a goddess!💅🏻💝

liked by the author

yourusername thx kelly!!!💕

user13 she's fr glowing 😻

user14 Thought she can't get more beautiful than she was before but pregnancy proved me wrong

user15 MARRY HER

user16 we love bf lewis dedicating whole post to y/n 🤭🤭

voguemagazine 🤩📸

user17 ariana what are u doing here?!??!!

user18 Even Vogue is an Y/N fan and we love it

user19 y'all don't understand how bad i need her to be on the cover of vogue or some other magazine 😩

user20 OMG user19 SHE WOULD SLAY IT TOO HARD

user21 You should marry her now!!! 💍💍

liked by roscoelovescoco

user22 heyyy did someone else see lewis like it and then un-like it?!😧

user21 When the notification of roscoelovescoco liking my comment came up on my phone I nearly dropped it and screamed... like what? Excuse me sir!!! 😃

user23 LOL I love how he goes savage liking comments w his dog's account and then regrets it immediately xd

user24 guuuyyyssss what if it means we'll get proposal soon???☺️

user21 I wish!!!!

twitter

THE END

Author's Note: Thank you for reading it to the end! I'll be very grateful for likes, comments, reblogs and every other sign of support. Also you can let me know if you think baby Hamilton will be a girl or boy 🤭. Have a great weekend! (Btw if someone wants to talk about their predictions for Saudi Arabian Grand Prix, they're welcomed bcs I don't have anyone to talk to about it XD)

Taglist: @namgification @hc-dutch @bloodyymaryyy @nat-lh-44 @cosmoscoffeee @daniellef89x @xoscar03 @67-angelofthelordme-67 @nathalielovesonedirection @raizelchrysanderoctavius @leclerc16s @carpediem241108 @onecojg (let me know if you want to be added or removed)

[noodle-made-a-mistake]

A short list of things that bother me about the Magisterium canon:

Forgive me in advance for rambling, I have to get these thoughts out of my brain lmao (also it's been a couple years so correct me if I'm wrong! (I really hope I’m wrong on some of these :’) )) Spoilers ahead obviously!

● The lack of Calron :(

● Not taking the opportunity to develop Tamara's character and keeping her static until she's randomly just different. Strong female characters aren't just skilled and perfect until their one flaw (usually it's having feelings like any other human being) is revealed shockingly (that's just sloppy characterization), they should be crucial to the plot and not overlooked in favor of developing other characters (from what I remember she literally was my favorite while reading the series until she just got annoying (??) after a while, of course that could just be because the story is told through Call's perspective but still)

● The entire school system that I need more info on bc it sounds so unthought out and not like something that has existed for hundreds of years

● The forceful nature of making people serve as masters?? That makes no sense? Like, “Congratulations on not dying during your schooling or in the war(s), your prize is forced labor 👍.”

● Also THE COLLEGIUM WAS MENTIONED AND NEVER ELABORATED UPON

● TGT. Least favorite book. Get out. Tgt truthers how do you do it??

● The Maugris plot twist. It destroys the meaning behind the past four books. It's just so uncalled for and frankly just sloppy ig? I love the idea in a way, but only if it's foreshadowed from the beginning. Also I'm too attached to the complicated dynamic of Alastair raising his possible ex-bestie for it to end up like that

● The fact that the iron trio is out of school for half the series, I'd like to know what's normal, y'know??

● THE LACK OF ELABORATION ABOUT THE FIRST GEN I WANT TO KNOW MORE I HAVE TO KNOW MORE

● They did my man Constantine especially wrong, give him some ✨��character✨️ aside from E V I L and problematic (trademark) and charming (???)

● AND ALASTAIR GOD TELL ME MORE?? He's characterized as distant and obviously traumatized with his hate of his magic involved past but I just need to know what that past was like. Like who was he before his dead wife syndrome?? Idk but I'd of liked any excuse to know more about it just so I can understand him more??

● Please give me a single character trait of Declan's?? Like he was mentioned a handful of times and that's all we got. He was just some guy and I am hating it !!

● And Sarah. Like. She was a mom and liked peace as a concept but she also made a cool ass knife. That's a lot of things left up for interpretation. And I know Call wasn’t allowed to ask questions for plot reasons but god i wish he had more information about his own dead mother for Christ's sake

● Also other than a victim, who was Jericho? I need to know who this kid who drew scribbles in the margins of his very important journal while writing about how he was slowly being killed was. What was his relationship really like with his brother if he was so scared to say that he was dying or what gave him the impression that he didn't care?? It's fascinating and I need him under a microscope immediately

● Also the lack of queer representation until the last two books. AND THEN IT WASN'T EVEN ANY OF OUR MAIN CAST. Literally the saddest L ever :(

● AND AARON WAS NEVER CONFIRMED QUEER LIKE WHAT THE FUCK JUST L O O K AT HIS CHARACTER AND INFACT ALL OF OUR CORE CAST IS AT LEAST BI LIKE C O M E O N (ik they're like kids but even I knew I was not straight when I was like 11 and i lived in the most conservative non-LGBTQ-friendly town known to man)

● Low key, callmara was so bad, like I love them but not the way it happened, horrible set up. Tamara deserved so much better and to not have her entire character destroyed by becoming a love interest. I wish they thought about her as an independent character instead of the means to implement a romantic subplot in tgt, they did so good in the first books with that

● Also there's no elaboration on what chaos is. It's the mystical 5th element. Wow! Let's go girl, give us nothing! You'd think that if Makaris were so exceptionally rare and special that we'd get some explanation on how they come to be and what it is exactly that they can control but we're just left to assume it's the special "chosen one" type of thing. Idk it bothers me for some reason :/

That's just off the top of my head and it's been years since I read the series all the way through (I should do a reread soon). For the most part I adore this funky series and I hate to bash it but I felt the need to ramble about it's shortcomings because I'm not crazy, right?? It had so much potential! Anyway, I'm sort of glad for the blanks in the story despite complaining about them because it leaves room for fics and fan interpretations that I always love to see, but on the other hand, I'd like for the story to feel finished and not like a last minute science fair project.

Thanks for sticking around for my late night rambling lmao

[havethetouch]

Here be pirates

2020 - Siti, Mahdi

2021 - Ila, Mel, Eli, Asa, Ava, Ife, Niv

2022 - Ixtia

2023 - Lev, Ora, Dar, Ira, Ayo, Efe, Nia, Jia

2024 - Nor

Figured I throw them down all in one post because why not most people are not even aware how vast the cast of this lil pirate story is, and those are the characters that got their design down, I have some more that I still play around with a bit on terms of colours and shapes. Aside from Ava and Lev, everyone got their first design try on a quick headshot that felt right and then threw colours on. Ava and Lev just got a ref sheet right away because idk I hit the golden moment with those two. (context: I hate doing refs and it usually takes me ages to do them even if if I have their designs down to a T. Mahdi for example.. is after Siti oldest characters created for this story and I only finally got around to finish his ref what? At the end of last year (2023)? Niv only got her ref like in July of 2024. Like fuck you could not pay me to do reference sheets the only reason I even do them is so that I can hand them to the handful of people I like to buy comms from (and sometimes for AF) who need the visuals bc they cannot just see them in my head otherwise I would not bother.)

The order these are drawn in is also not necessarily the order those characters have been living rent-free in my head either. Like there is Wyn who I vaguely know what he looks like for 3 years now but I have not brought him to paper yet lol. However the first few are. Siti was obviously the first, it started with her, Mahdi came second in my head even though back then I didn't even knew his name yet, he was an integral part in Sitis backstory and had the workname "Mapmaker/Scholar" but I knew while I tinkered with Sitis story that he needs to come back into the picture and then I started developing him. Technically it went like this: In the course of Sitis bg story she is faced with the loss of people she considered family (among them the mapmaker/scholar who she shared the closest bond with) during a vicious pirate attack at sea that she is the lone survivor of but even as I worked on that part I was like... "ain't no way that this fucker died, he is probably messed up but I bet he survived I want him to survive and reunite with Siti down the line" - and then a bit later in my head (mahdi, kicking the door in) "Hello there. I have risen!".

It still takes the duration of a decade before these two reunite. Which is also the starting point of Siti being the captain bc those two yearn for the sea regardless of the trauma.

After came the first five, being Ila, Ava, Eli, Mel and Asa. Ife and Niv followed soon after and then it kinda gets muddy with the rest. I had some rear up louder some just slipped in through the backdoor and at some point I started to design those as well. Nor is the most recent design in the lineup which I adopted from someone else because I had her down at her core but I could not decide on which animal which vibes but I saw demi-reality sell this zebra lady on their TH and I looked once, twice, thrice and went "oh. That is Nor." It be like that sometimes. But yeh so that is Sitis crew, at least those of them that have fixed designs. It is funny to look at the first headshot ever of Siti she changed not really much at all from that one aside from the fact that I got her unique face shapes down better in a way that I could not properly bring to paper back in 2020. So much shit happened around those years too, many losses in my family, among them my own father so many of these characters are intertwined with that grief and brainfog and memory loss that came with that trauma. A wild time that feels like a different life at times and I'm glad to have it behind me now. And I didn't even mean to get so personal about it here but those characters are, like I said, very much intertwined with a lot of that which also reflects in most of the early casts stories. But yeahhhh anyway I keep tinkering around, lots of writing going on in the background among some other stuff I have planned.

[10hourshift]

Ok so I just remembered I wanted to make this (and also don't want it to be too long) but bear with me

Something something, I think that for a story that sure loves using eyes and the face as narrative devices it's kinda weird that meg ALWAYS keeps her bang covering her eye.

What I mean is that for a big number of characters these things (the eyes and the face) are used as a way to show different faces of the same character. Some examples from the top of my head are loon and his growth shown as him uncovering his eyes (and even if it's not becoming a new person or whatever, it's like him finally gaining courage to face the world or smth) and Cami, who always has her eyes covered, and added to that she gives a mysterious vibe to both the other characters and the audience. Who later, when we get to know her in her song, we can finally see her "true" self, and with that, her eyes. And when her "shadow eyes" appear, we can figure out that she has some struggles too (idk it's been a while since my last rewatch). (There are other minor examples, like the introduction of Fred and owynn, or when Bonnie decides to take his glasses off, but I don't want to drag this too long :p)

Because of this I wonder why it is that the series is too strict about meg's eye. The one time her eye shows up (not counting that one image of her as a kid and the bleeding eye) is in a music video (important bc only the audience sees this). This was kinda funny to me (I think ever since I saw it from the first time but ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯) bc in "no más" the song that is really about her overcoming her inner conflicts and whatnot her eye is never visible, (only at the start her bang is lifted but her eyes are closed so it doesn't count). And even after that, she doesn't have any changes in her looks. She keeps the same old hairstyle and keeps covering her eye. Even in zer0, she still has her bang, though the hairdo change is pretty cute imo, but I keep my point, WHY IS THE EYE ALWAYS COVERED???

The reason is never explicitly said, though, it's safe to assume that it has to do with her Big Past Trauma, either in a literal way (eye damaged or draws too much attention, so it's better to keep covered) or a narrative way (something related to shadows??, maybe???). So, this and the already mentioned obsession of the series to keep her eye hidden* is kinda strange to me bc it makes me wonder why it is so damn important to keep her face hidden? And also, what would need to happen for her to show her face??

*the reason I'm so persistent that is "the series" who keeps her eye hidden is bc meg is not often seen actively trying to hide her eye. But her default characteristic is her bang over like half of her face.

Tbh I don't have anything convincing enough to conclude this. As is mostly a ramble about some silly detail that bothers me a little too much. So feel free to add your thoughts if you want to, I just wanted to ramble a bit about this xd

Have an image of genderbent meg I found on the wiki for the trouble

[gaykey]

I’m the shawol-somsom anon… you’re right LMAO I probably came off a little too strong and made assumptions about you. I’m on vacation and have too much free time for my own good, I’m sorry about that. Btw It doesn’t bother me that you specifically stopped supporting Key, I don’t know you and I barely use tumblr, but I remember you being one of the biggest lil freak/locket accounts on tumblr a few years ago (at least, that's how it seemed), so I got a little frustrated because I know how big accounts influence the perception of the rest of the fandom. 

But I’m not sorry about saying the whole thing feels hypocritical, I still think that. Because what I said is true, FK and Taemin are not better than Key (can’t speak on Jonghyun, Minho and Onew because I do think they try to be more sensible about social issues, and their responsibilities as idols); if I thought Key was horrible, then I’d think they’re horrible, too (disclaimer: I don’t think they are horrible). I simply don’t understand it, and you’re much older than me so it feels even more confusing how you can reconcile the idea. And I would like to have a conversation but tbh I’m a little scared to come off anon bc I don’t even know how tumblr works.

hello again.

it's cool, like, i get why you said what you said. i know i probably come across as very wishy-washy on here at times?

but in regards to key. i also don't think he (or taemin, or first or khao) is a horrible person. at all.

and i'm not saying that they haven't all done problematic stuff. i don't know for sure what fk have done or said, because i'll be so real, i haven't delved that deep. i'm just about below the surface level of being a somsom, but they're people like anyone else, so they've probably fucked up somewhere.

with key however, i was down deeeeep in that fandom lol. 16 years is a long time to be that fixated on a person. every little thing he did was on my tl and dash. maybe that's why his action in particular seem bigger to me?

and, the reason i chose to distance myself from being a lil freak particulalry, was because with key, it wasn't just a few minor instances, or little things that i could excuse so easily.

though i haven't forgotten, i forgave key & taemin for their coulourist remarks they made last year, because i felt that their apologies were genuine.

i acknowldeged shitty thing's key's done in the past, and gave him the benefit of the doubt. many times.

but truly, it felt like the past year? he's just been doing them over & over, unlike taemin, and first and khao. to my knowledge.

i can only forgive so much? and like, key is someone i did - and in many ways very much still do - admire and hold in high esteem (i know putting him on a pedestal is a ME problem, but i'm just being real about how i feel and perceived him) so, it HIT way harder.

i get why that comes across as hypocritcal - i do - but it doesn't feel like it is to me because of the continunity of his behaviour.

i don't know if you were here as i was making the decision to unstan, but it was tough. and i am older. i'm a grown ass woman, so it felt silly to be so emotional about the whole thing tbh.

also i don't want or mean to influence anyone's opinions, however i am starting to get that maybe i do in some way, because i was a pretty prominent key blog for a while???

which is why i try not to talk about him at all too much these days.

maybe i'll forgive him again, maybe he'll do something to redeem himself to me??? idk!

and anon, fr, feel free to come and talk in dms or even send me a message here off anon if you wat to talk. i promise i'm nice, and i'll keep it private if you din't want people to know your blog.

no worries either way xx

[firelord-frowny]

yall these last several days have been THE! WORST!!!!

or idk, not the worst lmao i tend to try to save catastrophic language for actual catastrophes these days and since nobody is dead or maimed, i guess "really really sucked" is the better way to describe it.

but anyway. it really really sucked so bad that i dont even feel like properly ranting about it, so here's a bulleted list of the suckage. -Had (probably) the flu for like two weeks. Missed two weeks of volunteering and one week of work. -Felt better! Volunteered. Went to work. -Throat got sore in the middle of the night. like i literally FELT it get sore in real time. felt it swell. -Sore throat morphed to include an ear ache. -Also felt nauseous several times throughout the day. -went with my mom to go pick up groceries and also one single item to hopefully expedite my recovery (those lil emergen-c supplement drink packets) and somehow wound up getting yelled at about what an inconvenience it is to ~have~ to make a 20 minute round trip to pick up groceries that included something for me🙃 i literally would have just done an instacart order like i usually do but we already needed groceries and that is the only reason i put it in the grocery order so i guess that somehow means that its My Fault the household needed groceries and i guess a 20 minute trip is the worst fucking thing a person can be bothered to do on a sunday afternoon. i mean nevermind the asparagus and the yellow squash and the cornbread mix and the condensed milk and the walnuts and the clam strips and the bananas and the whole grain cereal and the canned vegetables and the frozen berries and all the other shit that aint have JACK to do with me, bc my vitamin c supplement made all of that moot and the sole reason for going to get groceries was because im a needy piece of shit whose better off idk dying of meningitis or soemthing, idfk.

-had a virtual ~urgent care~ visit. got prescribed antibiotics for what's probably a sinus infection gone nuclear. that was yesterday.

-today! throat still hurt like a bitch. couldn't really eat or drink much but I had an apple and some water before taking a dose of ibuprofen.

-went to work. started getting a migraine on the way. benadryl often takes the edge off of my migraines so my dad (who was giving me a ride to work) agreed to swing by a store and pick some up after dropping me off at work, and then swing back and bring me the meds.

-HOWEVER! you know what the first thing i did upon pulling into the parking lot at work was?

-puke. A LOT. big ol pile of puke in the parking lot. disgusting.

-called the front desk and let them know that i in fact made it to work but that i just vomited my guts out in the parking lot and should probably go home. they were like, "yikes, yeah, definitely go home, please feel better soon" and canceled all my students for the day. I'm Extra Upset by this bit because 2 of my students have missed a lot of lessons recently (one because they were on vacation, another because there were no lessons on 4th of july, another because a different student canceled, and one because i was sick) and i really really really want to keep as much consistency as possible both for the student's progression, and for increasing my chances that they'll keep me as a teacher. and i also had one new adult student that i saw for the first time last week and am super bummed that i already had to throw a wrench in his new experience learning an instrument.

anyway,

-throat was still hurting like a BITCH and i obviously needed to eat and drink especially since i THREW THE HELL UP EARLIER so i made another virtual urgent care appointment.

-got through the entire intake process as far as submitting all the forms. all that was left was for someone to call me and confirm all the info.

-i get the call! confirm the info! the lady says she'll send me a link to the visit as soon as we hang up.

-BUT THEN she asks me if i'd had a virtual visit the day before for the same reason, and i said yeah! and then she says! that i can't have a virtual visit because blah blah blah they cant do telehealth appointments for one patient for the same reason in less than 7 days! which like! ok i guess but PERHAPS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN POINTED OUT WHEN I SELECTED THE REASON IN THE INTAKE FORMS 15 MINUTES AGO???

-but whatever! okay fine! so i made an appointment for the in person clinic and was able to be seen relatively quickly.

-everybody was super nice (literally all of the medical people i've dealt with over the last two days have been super nice) and one of the desk ladies told me i have a "really sweet voice" and that made me Happyyyy and so i told her how happy it made me and that it meant an extra lot because i used to have a violin teacher who would tell me my voice was annoying and the lady was like "omg wtf" and i was like "i know right? i was like 13" and she's like "daaaaang wtf!' and im like RIGHT???

-even though i was able to be seen relatively quickly it still took kind of a long time for the nurse practitioner herself to get to me, but once she did, it was smooth sailing from there. covid, flu, and strep tests were negative. prescribed me prednisone for the sore throat. took my first dose in the clinic. picking up the rest of it from a pharmacy tomorrow.

-its now 3am as i type this and my throat is feeling significantly better. took my 3rd dose of antibiotics earlier tonight, along with some tylenol, since apparently ibuprofen can have some reactions with prednisone, and since my throat at that moment was still pretty sore. but i think by now i can finally EAT SOMETHING so thats what imma do, and then imma *samuel l jackson voice* Go The Fuck To Sleep.

[cryleforhelp]

THANK YOU FOR THE K2 FIC RECS... IT MEANS A LOT ... !!!! esp putting so much oh my gosh i'm definitely spamming who you tagged for more fic recs

if it isn't a bother again: do you also have any cryle fic recs or any other ships you like? i know kivea is like. the biggest cryle enthusiast out there

HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yesyesyes pls give mumu and mint all da love of fics to ur hearts content!!!!!! KIVEA IS THE HUGEST CRYLE ENTHUSIAST OUT THERE, i would recommend all their works because i think i literally read all of them bc i love their stories so much HAHAH. Kivea if you see this, thank you for your hardwork FORREAL. ALSO it's never a bother, i really love receiving asks!!<33 i primarily sit in the style, k2 and cryle ao3 tab honestly, so i haven't ventured far out from the main three i ship! SO SINCE you asked about cryle, here are some cryle fics that I can recommend below!!

Red Solo Cup | Cryle, Style | T | TW: none author: startwithsnail OK.. THIS FIC IS SOOOO GOOD AND IM NOT EVEN SAYING THAT BC THE AUTHOR WROTE IT FOR MY BIRTHDAY LMFAO BUT LEGIT this fic is everything i envision cryle to be. the pacing, the characterization, the WRITING EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS SO GOOD. THE ENDING ALSO GAGGED ME I WAS LITERALLY KICKING MY FEET UP IN THE AIR AND SCREAMING AHHAHAHA im so blessed that my really talented friend wrote me this :'(((( what did i ever do to deserve her. HER TUMBLR IS @amporella IF YOU WANNA GO GIVE HER SOME LOVE!!!!!!!!!!1 <333333 SUMMARY: Kyle, notoriously unlucky in love, has his reasons to be hesitant on party games - especially of the romantic variety. He can only really think of one person who dislikes them even more than he does. But maybe there’s something that can make it worthwhile for both of them? I'd Tap That | Cryle | G | TW: none author: alister312 STOOOOOP THIS FIC WAS SO CUTE. Dryad Kyle too, it's such a treat to read HHHHH.. i don't want to spoil this fic for you but you won't be disappointed at all!!!!!! craig is so so adorable in here too <3 BANGER AFTER BANGER!! this was also written by my friend @alister312 if you wanna show them some love too :3c <3 SUMMARY: If only Cartman paid just a little more attention to his familiar, if only Tweek wasn’t being such a child about the break up, if only potions didn’t suck ass and learning it had seemed even a little worth it, if if if—

If only, then Craig wouldn’t be here, crawling ass-backward away from the pissed off dryad floating above him. I Want To Hold You Like You're Mine | Cryle (Side Style) | E | TW: smut author: wonderfultweek i need to tell you that this fic is so good. like oh my god, you can feel the emotional connect both craig and kyle are having with each other here and it's so raw and soft. i will say there's style in the beginning but it's stan cheating on kyle so if that's not your cup of tea then feel free to skip this recommendation!

SUMMARY: But he isn’t sure how much information he really wants to reveal right now, and his emotions are still simmering hot just under the surface of his skin. It’s a dangerous road to go down so soon, but he also wants nothing more than to let out his anger and his hurt in hopes that Craig will validate him.

~

"What the fuck, Craig? How can you sit there and tell me there’s nothing wrong with me when I’m a complete fucking mess?”

“Because I-” Craig stops himself, that guarded look returning. He nearly looks fearful at whatever it is he almost admitted. “I get it. I understand.” When I'm With You, I Don't Want To Be | Cryle | E | TW: smut author: wonderfultweek DSSSSSSSSGSKGJI09EUW4HERJOPLDHE59Y0ERSPFDBJOGF8OILKFFHJGFLDKHJHGKJFDLKJHEEYIROHLKSGDFHSJLFSHJDSFLKHJ. that is all. no, jk, but i am literally rolling around because of this fic, everything in it left me waNTING MORE. I LOVE KYLE AND CRAIG BEING EACH OTHER'S LAST RESORT OK maybe i really am toxic idk /lh SUMMARY: Maybe he’s just disappointed that he doesn’t have someone to sit around and be miserable with. Even if all he and Craig do is bitch at each other, it’s better than sitting here alone, perched on the kitchen counter while he watches everyone have a splendid fucking time. ok this is all i have time to recc KLJDSGLKJSG IF I REMEMBER OR FIND MORE ILL REBLOG THEM HERE. ILY ANON. (...*links kivea's ao3 just in case*)

[golbrocklovely]

idk if you’ve seen but kong pham just uploaded a podcast with snc

it was filmed months ago though i’m pretty sure because it seems like it was before colby did chemo?

anyway around 37 minutes in colby talks about how he had a break down and just cried about everything last year and it shocked me i can’t lie… i hope it made him feel better though

yeah it was filmed back in april right before colby went thru chemo. i was a bit confused as to why sam never mentioned kat and him breaking up, and now it makes sense since they didn't announce they broke up until may (even tho they had broken up back in march) lol

and yes, it was really shocking to hear about colby breaking down, but also at the same time…. it makes total sense. a lot of us on here have been saying for a long time that last year was a really rough time for colby. the later half of the year was just a shit storm for so many reasons towards him, he himself even said he wasn't feeling his best at the time, and it makes so much sense that he would have had a break down finally after years of holding everything in.

i might be making a controversial opinion here, but everyone hear me out before you jump down my throat: while snc both get hate for extremely dumb things, colby is the one that takes it the hardest, and also gets it the worse. sam, at the very least, seems like he doesn't let it bother him. i think bc so many ppl give him love and support, he's able to push the negativity away. but colby, whether he'll ever admit to it or not, can't do that - even with all the love he gets. he doesn't let things go as much as sam does.

and it makes total sense to me. colby wants everyone to like him. and i get that. i was the same way for a very long time. it's hard when someone starts to hate you for whatever reason. you want to prove them wrong, and you'll do anything to be in their good graces again, only to realize… did you ever even care that much in the first place. opinions affect colby on a deeper level bc he wants to be seen as a good person. and he is. but when you have other ppl shitting on you, for example, for tweeting out about international women's day or that your facial hair is ugly or literally judging you for every girl you put yourself near, and it's CONSTANT…. you're eventually gonna snap. tbh, i'm surprised colby hasn't completely removed himself from twitter and insta altogether just bc of the hate those sites have given him for the past couple years.

2020-21 were the worst times to be a fan, so i can ONLY IMAGINE how terrible it was for colby, who was getting the brute force of it. i remember the disgusting death threat he got. he left twitter for like over a week, and then never returned to that site the same. that's why the balcony tweets stopped. and then when he lost his journal, one of the only ways he's ever been able to express himself deeply, ppl cheered about it in the replies. and some of those ppl were fans of ppl he was friends with.

sam gets hate, sure. i won't deny that ever. but colby… it is truly unlike anything i've ever seen in all my years of being online. and i swear the ppl that send him mean shit, it's like they know it hurts him and revel in it. he gets called out for every fuck up, even if sam has done the same, bc ppl know he'll actually feel guilty and apologize for it. they want to see him break, i truly believe that.

[seakrisp]

Wednesday spoilers: even though what ill say has been said already but I need to finally let it out.

again these are just some of my personal thoughts and what I think!

I'm so happy alot of ppl agrees the the "two main possible male lOvE IntERest" had little to no chemistry with her.

but first,

I'll start with everything I like:

I love everything in the show except the "love triangel romance/ romance in general" that they pushed unto Wednesday. it doesn't rlly add anything. Tyler would have had more impact if he had been a platonic trustworthy friend.

i love the Christina ricci's character was the real villain. that's a really nice bow on everything.

I love we actually saw alot of The Addams Family Dynamic in the show! like in this rendition and universe ykyk. Also always great to have more Gomez and Tish and they're relations with the town and Nevermore.

ofc how could I forget, Jenna Ortega's performance was phenomenal. I really did like the casting.

ofc wendays and enid's dynamic was everything I expected and more. everything about them I loved.

I hope we get to see more bianca bcs I'm curious to her and wendays more chilled rivalry/frenemies dynamic will be like. now that bianca don't really give a shit about xiaver. (hopefully. yall are too good for that boy. that boy needs therapy.)

Enid is literally a Walking Queer Allegory. I said what I said.

wenday and Thing are everything to me. we day's friendship with Eugene to me as well.

oke. now my complainly part/things j wished that happened instead and parts that made me say "that could've been written, chosen better.."

I've TRIED to be unbiased while watching, mostly in the "romance aspect". and I think they should've really just focused on its being about Platonic relationships yk.. they like, they didn't even have a ball to drop Yk. Like you expect Me to believe these wet limp dick white boys are gonna be.. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS 'S.. Potential.. love interest..?? youre joking.

the most annoying part about this was both Xiaver and Tyler were so... fucking entitled. like, WOW. a Girl wasn't mean to you and spoke to you with very basic surface level human decency!

Xiaver, just has a Resting Bitch Face. He didn't do anything wrong but like he's still shithead. And was annoying. (to me)

Tyler, I really wanted him to be the MLM Best Friend :(

but nay, I was wronged ofc. Tyler at first didn't really bother me as much. first few episodes, HE'S JUST SOME WHITE GUY. then it progresses He Annoys Me With a Burning Passion.

especially, That's ONE SCENE. THE "YOU'RE GIVING ME MIXED SIGNALS WEDNESDAY WHERE DO I STAND@!?#?#!@????" OH PIPE DOWN YOU ONLY GOT UR DATE IDEA BCS ENID DID THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY.

my thoughts were like: there's no way. Wednesday liked this boy. she's be manipulated and gaslit.

And yeah Last few Episodes I was correct. it gave me more reason to hate Tyler's ass and I think he should've been brutally murder yk.

I love hunter doohan's performance though, thanks for taking one for the team King <3 He played the bland straight white boy monstour murder.

Now, Enid and Ajax. they were fine.. Ajax is the basic textbook goofy, nice guy who does weed, that just has madusa snake hair—

and omg I laughed so hard when he stoned himselfed like that, it's so perfect and stupid that a teenager with that ability would have the happen to them. it was so fucking funny to me.—

they're relationship is so shallow and mid to me idk. I mean, they do act like a typical teenage het couple.

it's just that, Enid liking a boy who she barely talks obsessesing over him but then also when she got stood up by him. Enid started liking another boy that she just talked to sharing same interests but mostly again just very bare minimum.

I'm not saying she's a shallow person, more say.. yk just a subconsciously finding and filling that, " you have to have a nice boyfriend bcs that's how the world is supposed to be " box...

in short yk, compulsory hetero normativity.

like cmon.. WHAT DO YOU MEAN UR MOM WANTS YOU TO GO TO "CONVERSION CAMP" ? WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN YOU WANTED HER TO ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WOLFED OUT JUST IN TIME YOU WANTED TO SAVE WEDNESDAY? what do you mean you didn't run into ur bf's after something traumatic but instead run into ur roommates to give her a hug like she'll never let go?

yeah. basically most of my complaints are in the romance. it's Criminally hetero. and I've dealt with alot of hetero relationships endgame media that would have made more sense and thematical it was queer.. augh. I'm gonna watch warrior nun.

I genuinely hope they were very intentional with writing Enid and Wednesday literally the only one with romantic tension and queer subtext..

like, cmon. Wenclair has paralleled Gomez and Tish so much in this show. be for fucking real.

okay that's it. most of what I've said has been said. last thing I wanna say is thank you for your time and effort to read this and.. Wednesday is both queer coded and autism coded.

[prettypangolins]

just got a scam dm that said:

Yo hi there! I’m very sorry to bother you at this time but I’m hoping if you’d be so kind to check the post that I pinned on my blog and maybe give it a little help by boosting/sharing it? it’s for my cat who struggles to breathe :((( and we need help to get him the tests that he needs. Thank you if you do as it would really mean the world to me and I understand if you don’t, still appreciate you and stay safe! Btw, please do send me a msg to reply or answer the ask privately instead as I dont want other blogs to think im a spambot or what, sorry for asking this, praying you’d consider! 🥲🙏

however the blog has only been reblogging and posting for 14 hours i'm just like... go away????

i saw a post about scams like this a little while ago, so i'm wise to it but it feels HORRIBLE bc kitty. but it's usually a scam. if you get one of these, report and block. you're not a bad person for not engaging - even if it's legit, you don't have to reblog/boost/donate just because you feel bad or guilty. but also, if you're getting a dm request like the above it's very very very likely someone trying to make money by pretending to be a legit person asking for help in a way that seems genuine but isn't. i've never seen this person in my notes. idk who they are. the wording of the pinned post is designed to evoke that 'omfg i want to help!' sad response by telling you how bad things are, etc. and get you to act without thinking

but details with this one are off. i mean, the pinned post says 'next payday is on june 10th' but today is the 12th of june now and 14 hours ago in was the 11th. prior to the 'please help!' post, 9 posts were reblogged in the space of 2 minutes (not too unrealistic for tumblr), then there's the help request, followed immediately by 14 posts all with exactly the same timestamp, which... you're either reblogging desperately without looking at what you're posting from the 'for you' or 'explore' page, or that's a queue, set to dump those 15 posts at that specific time to make the blog look legit at a glance (most likely what happened). the posts after that are at more random (last post was 5 hours ago, the dm was 4 hours ago)

so yeah i feel kinda guilty, but there are people out there who rely on this to manipulate others and take advantage of our desire to help so that they can line their pockets

(also if you feel guilted into reblogging to 'signal boost' a post asking for money, it's going to be seen by followers who reblog for the same reason and maybe even give money to a total stranger who told us something bad happened and has then let our desire to help and guilt over not acting do the rest. it's okay to break the chain. we can't care about absolutely everything or help absolutely everyone, and we just burn ourselves out if we try to)

[bonesandthebees]

on the topic of names, this is a random thing but idk just thinking about the meaning of names n stuff brought this up but i actually changed my last name legally !! (just this year, after my 19th bday pog)

i obvi won't say what but i will say i changed it to like . a word. not a name. i have an obsession w words with obscure meanings (like petrichor <3) and i've never felt connected to my last name... like i actually disliked it LMAO idk i just never liked how it sounded and whenever i looked at my full name i thought it just kinda . idk i never liked it

but ever since changing it to a name i chose, i just... i love it. i look at my name fully written out and it makes me so happy waefjwael I was a little nervous that it would just look weird and my entireee family was like "omg what if u change ur mind tho and hate it?!?!" even though i was pretty certain i wouldnt care, but yeah ever since i actually got the document back, there's been no regrets. it's one of the best decisions i've ever made. it's really helped me feel more comfortable in my identity n stuff.

i've had so many ppl question why i did it though lmaooo, theyre all just like "u can do that..." like yep! u can just change ur name for no reason lol. i mean . it gets annoying with having to tell all the gov places n stuff, but otherwise it's pretty simple lmaooo. def better to do it when ur young though bc then u have less places to tell

but yeah sometimes when im explaining to ppl why i did it, i get flashbacks to u talking about why you love writing stuff about names lmaooo /pos but yeah:)) just to say that i also really resonate with names having meaning n stuff hehehe

(yes I combined these two asks since they seemed pretty similar, the screenshot is technically the first one)

oh that sounds like such an interesting class!! it's always fascinating to learn different cultures history behind names. I love the idea of earning a name that's the same as a family member representing that you're sharing an identity, and also the fact that you can lose a name depending on your actions

also that's so cool that you changed your name!! I think changing your last name to a word is a REALLY cool idea. also, while I've heard plenty about people wanting to change their first names, you don't really hear about people wanting to change their last names that often? but like, I get it. I actually don't go by my legal last name that often unless I have to, or at least not my full one. I have two last names but I only ever use one of them in my daily life, and whenever I hear the other one used it really bothers me. there's a whole lot of reasoning for this I won't get into because it's personal but the gist is that my mom added my second last name legally for me when I was 11, and so up until that point I only had ever gone by one last name. and the timing of when that legal paperwork happened coincided with a lot of major things happening in my life, so I associate the person I was with that original last name as being a lot different than who I am now. now I only go by the second last name my mom added on for me and I hate when people use my original last name.

long winded way to say I get it, and I'm so glad you're happy with your name now!! you gotta love that you can literally just change your name if you want. one of my closest friends from college did that. I don't think she's gone through the legal hassle, but she uses a different first name than her birth one now which she started doing during covid. there's no reason for it. she's cis and she doesn't have any trauma attached to her old name or anything. she just didn't like it. who cares y'know? make yourself happy.

[mishkakagehishka]

about the "They're (shumika) so canonically eastern european" post, you know they're japanese,, right? i'm not trying to accuse you of anything but i've been in some fandom spaces with people heavily insisting japanese characters are british/otherwise white without caring about whitewashing and i just want to be sure you're,,, not doing that

Please never again equate eastern-euro-ness with being British again, you'll give me a heart attack /j

Mm. I don't know how to answer this in a proper way tho. Or rather in a way that won't come across badly(?) bc I do recognise EE/Slavs/myself at the end of the day as white (like, don't worry about it, I unironically clutch my pearls whenever I see people insisting we're not white) so I understand what you mean by whitewashing (and it's something I worried about myself when saying this - "oh, this anime boy is so ee to me", I've always worried it would come across as whitewashing which is obviously not my goal)

It's more like. Half spite and half cultural. Like, you don't have to be white to be eastern european, and you especially don't have to be white to be culturally eastern european, so as far as I'm concerned, characters I've "adopted" into my culture are equally as Japanese as they are eastern european (to me). And the spite is, and this is why I'm a bit miffed at you equating my headcanoning to headcanoning them as British/white in general (and AGAIN bc i don't want people to misunderstand, we are white, i do recognise the problem you're bringing up, i'm not in any way denying this or the fact that we have white privilege), is because uhhhh idk if you've noticed, but eastern europeans don't really get much representation in media, and when we do get it, it's absolutely awful. I made a bingo card once, even, but like, try to remember all the Slavic and eastern euro in general fictional characters you know, and now try to remember one that wasn't either an offensive stereotype for the sake of comedic relief or a villain (or, bonus for female characters, a gold-digger or otherwise ridiculously sexualised but still morally bad or leaning on negative stereotypes). It's not like I care about that stuff anymore, instead I just go "okay, this wasn't made with me (ee viewers) in mind, so i shouldn't bother getting angry", but like. Between that and the fact that eastern europeans are still considered "below" in a lot of western Europe (and... i mean, you know a big reason for why Brexit happened was that they didn't want any more EE (specif. Polish) immigrants? I'm sorry for hyperfocusing on you equating it to British hcs bsabbsjdjs but😭) I just grew kinda. Annoyed. And started going "alright, well, fuck it, your fave is a Slav now".

But, idk, the "they're Japanese" and "they're EE" coexists to me. I don't see why Japanese people wouldn't be able to participate in ee culture, and as far as I'm concerned, anyone can be culturally eastern european. I just like to think about my blorbos participating in my culture, it's not That Deep, and i'll apologise if it came across that badly to make you want to compare it to Br*itsh hcs. Sorry, had to squeeze in one last scandalised gasp at that. I just want to see names like mine, accents like my family and friends' and cultural practises like ours not be villainised or caricatured for once.

Like, the goal isn't "they're white now", my goal is "I'll make my own good rep from already beloved characters", it's not about changing their skin colour, but about projecting my culture onto them, which isn't dependant on skin colour.

I hope this all came across well enough, it's. 6:20, i've slept for a good 4h and english is still only my second language, but lmk if you need anything else clarified

[nathank77]

8/11/24

3:23 p.m Updated/Added to Significantly 3:51 p.m

So the half frames are great but they leave those marks on my face, I've since switched to my Ray-Bans.

I feel more like me in my half frames but as stupid as this sounds my Ray-Bans are now my face lol I still want half frames that are comfortable but maybe next year. I've decided I'm going to invest in the Ray-Bans and have the lenses replaced next year assuming my prescription changes anyways.

They may touch my cheeks sometimes but I mean less now that I lost weight and they are branded. They take up my whole face but whatever. I do like the idea that when someone sees the side of my face they can read Ray-Bans and think I'm not poor. Also I do sorta like them but they take up half my face.

I remember talking to Elise about glasses and how I hated how some people wore glasses that took up half their face and then I ended up being one of them :/ maybe that's why no one wants me.

I shaved my face but I still got to trim my bread and I'm going to buzz my head instead of shaving it.... bc it's cheaper. Gillette is expensive. And buzzers are cheap and mow through it. I really wish I could get all my hair waxed off or plucked out so I never had to shave again. Then I'd just have to keep my chin strap edged up nicely and get rid of the nasty mustache.

I noticed my facial hair is slowly filling in. I feel dirty cause my beard is too long but I can't find a happy medium. If I shave it to a 1 guard you can see my double chin and I feel the hole stands out just as much as when it's longer....I also think when it's longer I can move it/fluff it persay to cover the hole a little. I didn't fluff it in this photo. I notice the bad side is starting to fill in.

Last week my beard was perfect length but within 4 days it was too long and now it's bothering me. Maybe I'll keep growing it but idk I'm prob going to try a 2 guard. Idk sometimes I just do the 1 so I don't have to trim it for a couple weeks but I always regret it.

I can't find the right length. If I let it grow longer for a while then I mean maybe I'll get used to it feeling "dirty." I'm just more clean cut.

Hair feels dirty on me idk how to explain it. It's a symptom of being bald for years. My fringe or whatever feels nasty and dirty too around my bald head. Even though you can barely pinch it.

I'm worried about money. I have to get cigarettes in new Hampshire this Friday... I had to replace the apple usb port cause I don't game like I used to and i deserve to play. Twitch already fucked me. A 4 hour video of minecraft had muted audio. It disconnected. And no one watched, a .1 average viewership it's too depressing to see all the same issues. I chose recording and YouTube for a reason. I know how long someone watches. I know how they find my video. I know if they return to my videos. I can see certian parts they watch more frequently (when I get enough of a following).

But yea I'm worried about money and I'm worried about continuing to take White mulberries at 3000mg but I had a lot of caffeine yesterday. I cut myself off at like 1 or 2 p.m today. If I have an involuntary movement or something that is a twitch instead of a Spasm I'll drop down to 1000mg of white mulberries but I really think it was caffeine. I say twitch versus spasm bc spasms could still be due to the statin drug... that side effect can last 3 months... twitches are not common for statins.. I did actually have a Spasm today in my leg but it wasn't a twitch I do attribute it to the statin side effects wearing off.

Today was a cheat day I had smiley fries and Simulate nugs. My hallucination makes me want to jump off a bridge.

I hope I fall asleep quickly tonight. I'm not going to bother gaming. When I get my adapter I'm going to game at night but not have caffeine after 2 p.m... and see if it's just the caffeine bc I can see the commonalities between all 4 nights:

1) caffeine consumption was high bc even the day I only had one red bull I drank 3 or 4 v8 and Gatorade cause I didn't know it had caffeine.

I truly hope this microsleep trauma will lighten eventually. I see Erin and Mike tomorrow.... and that's it for therapy for the week.... that's the sad part....

Idk what I'm supposed to do I can't get abandoned again by another bot.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

2/28/2024

12:55 a.m

I met with the psychiatrist and she completely wasted my time. She was pushing antipsychotics and anticholinergics as well as antidepressants. I told her I wasn't depressed. I told her that my hallucination was getting better by the month/week. Even if the progress is minimal. Its still a huge difference from the beginning and even December. I feel like since I've been on methimazole it's better slowly getting better.

Idk if methimazole will fix it but I explained to her that it has for one patient. She didn't seem to care she just kept saying you're not willing to take what I'm willing to percribe. Then she asked me if I wanted her to send in a Xanax script. I declined cause that'll mess up my entire script with prohealth and then they won't perscibe me it.

I was and am fucking pissed bc I wasted one of my 3 appts this week talking to her to have her open up old wounds and not listen to a word I was saying... she didn't care that psychosis actually does stop one day and that I said I can manage my symptoms and they are improving.

She even went to ask me what my birth gender was 3 times. It could have been shock as I pass extremely well but she asked me my deadname which is Tran 101 never do it... so yea it went horribly...

Now I called 2 other psychiatrist and left messages telling them politely but firmly I'm not taking antipsychotics, anticholinergics or antidepressants and if they won't replace Xanax with a comparable benzodiazepine to not bother calling me back. I explained that I saw a psychiatrist and that's why I didn't hit them back up, but she wasted my time and if they are going to do the same thing I'd rather just attend my talk therapy sessions and stay with my PCP.

I doubt they'll call back but I got to be firm bc it was a waste of my time and I lost a session with Erin this week bc of it. Beyond that I didn't get what I wanted and my tongue is never going to get better. I can't get prohealth to give me something comparable to Xanax 1 mg... but at least they are reliable and I get it when I need it and she will percribe it to me forever so long as I don't ask for more or a higher dose which I won't cause I don't need it. Unfortunately my black hairy tongue will never heal.

Hopefully one of the places I called will treat me for insomnia the primary and only reason I am seeking a psychiatrist... I might hit up a sleep specialist. So long as I don't accept a prescription, I won't lost prohealths prescription..

I am worried that if one of them do call they'll give me one of the better insomnia benzos and then try to force me on antipsychotics and anticholinergics or try to switch it for trazadone. Maybe my tongue doesn't matter. I mean it does but sleeping is pivotal for my recovery. It won't actually stop me from hallucinating at all but if I don't sleep I can get sleep deprivation psychosis. I could be hallucinating for the next 7 years with 7 hours of sleep a night... that's the thing but sleep is still important. I won't recover bc of it but I won't kill myself if I can sleep every night and I'm continue to fight.

The voice bringing up Kristen last night really fucked with me. This psychiatrist really pissed me off cause I could have gotten something out of Erin. Not meds but someone who wasn't needlessly cruel and useless.

I hope one of them contact me and say yea benzos are used for insomnia so of course we will perscribe you one. If they don't i guess I'm going to lie to a few new psychiatrists and say my symptoms are almost completely resolved. I'm going to say I hear happy birthday 3-5 times a day since methimazole. And since February the frequency dropped down significantly but those 3 days without Xanax I only slept 4 hours on the 48 hour mark.

Unfortunately when you have psychosis every doctor in America would rather treat your hallucination than look at another alignment as something separate. She kept yammering on about treating the primary cause...

I've always had issue sleeping. I took benadryl and used weed for years... once the weed was gone it got awful. So the primary issue is separate from the hallucination. It doesn't fucking help but it also isn't the primary problem. The primary problem is i need a insomnia drug aka a benzodiazepine to help me fall asleep and stay asleep.

So I'll just lie and say I'm recovering very quickly. How can they say take an antipsychotics and anticholinergic if I only hallucinate 5 times a day... some might still push but that's the thing. My next few emails I won't even bring up the word psychosis or hallucination. If they ask questions about depression or suicide I'll say never. I'll write in caps I won't take antidepressants. I fucking can't stand that antidepressants are the fucking bandaid for all psychological issues. I don't even have depression.

My mood is low cause I hallucinate constantly but depressed? I think not. My gaming channel and my motivation to keep it updated and my love for myself. My constant ruthless struggle says otherwise. It's normal to feel less happy when you're being tortured by a hallucination...

Either way I'm either going to lie to these two places or hit up new psychiatrists for a change from Xanax to another one. If that doesn't work Maybe I'll try a slept specialist. If that doesn't work I'll stay with Julia. Maybe a reliable sleep specialist will be better. Psychiatrists are notiously unreliable. They are notoriously trying to get you on as many psych meds as they can.

If I let this stupid bitch do what she wanted she would have gave me Xanax prob once. And Gave me antipsychotics, anticholinergics and antidepressants. That's the fucked part and I would have lost my script to prohealth.

I'm sick of fighting doctors just for the ability sleep. A sleep specialist may be the best route but idk if they will give me a benzo either they are last resort...

The dumb bitch was totally fine trying to get me on sedative hypnotics though, you know the drug that ruins your sleep cycles permanently and makes you hallucinate..and give you night terrors and make you sleep walk!

It's so fucked that doctors would rather endanger you than give you a fucking benzodiazepine for sleep. I'm thankful for Prohealth but I wish she would switch it for temazepam 15 mg but there is nothing i can do. At least they didn't force me to jump up to sedative hypnotics when I refused antidepressants.

Anyways I went to the support group today it was nice talking to people. They said I should lie to get what I needed to put myself first.

The hallucination seems a little less intrusive today. We will see if that continues its hard to describe something with no volume level that is nearly constant.

The issue with lying is I got to keep my story straight for my endo. My pcp. And my psychiatrist or sleep specialist when the times comes...

I can be honest with my therapists at least but I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass I doubt it will though.

Insomnia can be a fucking separate issue from hallucinations.. also I can ask them to not report the frequency at least...

It drives me crazy that doctors treat me differently. Yea i have psychosis but i only have one symptom. Beyond that it really is improving. Not as much as I'm going to lie about but it is drastically improving. At least from the start point.

My focus level matters more and more. I was masterbating and it was oddly silent eveytime I thought about it though it was reactivated which is why when I report Kristen It's pertinent to bring up ocd voices. Im not the only person in the group who thinks about it and makes it happen. It's just part of it..

I've been trying to cope with Kristen cause I was closing my eyes too long last night and when the voice said it it effected me bc of microsleep.... that's the problem...

I can't report her until I can handle the outcome of her potentially losing nothing and my suffering being nothing more than a slap on the hand... I can't do it while I'm hallucinating at this frequency bc it will crush me. I actually have to wait until it's either completely gone or so infrequent that it isn't really a thing but the issue is I'm scared if I do it even when it's infrequent it will like reactivate it.

At least if I stop hallucinating I can handle the outcome bc my hallucination has ended.

I know it's not depression with psychotic features. I know it's not schizophrenia or schizoaffective or schizotypal. I know I don't have bipolar- speaking of this bitch was so fixated on do you experience mood swings it was ridiculous. She wanted to drug the fuck out of me. No I don't have mood swings.. but either way I know it's not borderline either.

It's very obviously psychosis. Yet I cannot handle my mood plumet if Kristen gets a slap on the wrist. While I struggle to sleep, and survive every single day. Depression isn't going to develop but what if Kristen gets away with it and I get depressed about it and it makes it even slightly worse..... that's the problem.

I guess she's going to get paid for a while for being negligent. I could win the case but it's not in my hands.

So I'm just going to start closing my eyes for 5 minutes at a time before max effectiveness and play solitaire until I fight my eyes... I'm going to take a 1 mg tonight at 5 and close my eyes at 7 a.m. I'll try in little intervals before 7...

[littlesecretdiary]

Okay so I wanna talk about why I've been feeling insecure. Apart from just the not having sex thing, which has, you know, really impacted my self esteem, I've been feeling insecure because I feel like I'm being excluded from your hangouts with Nichole.

I'm not asking to be there like every time or anything!!!!!!! But I really would like to spend time with her, and she's really not ever available for me (she doesn't ever text me and almost every single one of our 1:1 plans have fallen through, but she quite literally is at your apartment multiple times a week lol, so that feels pretty shitty for me), and I know I've expressed that to you AND I've also said I would really like to be included in your hangouts before, and that also hasn't happened, except for accidentally.

For example, the other night when I didn't know she was over and I asked if I could run up to kiss you, and you said yes, I could come up, Nichole was there, whatever, but instead you came downstairs (I know to get your DQ but hear me out) and even though I did, yes, get what I asked for (kisses and a little bit of attention), I also got further excluded that night. I didn't get even the option to say hi to Nichole, and it felt like I was purposefully being left out again. I was really sad about it.

And again, I really, really don't have to be involved every single damn time, but literally just one invitation would change this whole thing for me. Also, I know I already talked with you about feeling like she maybe doesn't like me, and I know you said that isn't true, but part of me still worries that it is, and that I really was the reason for her leaving early on the day I accidentally crashed your plans.

I really didn't mean to stay, I was going to leave before she got there, but then she got there and I couldn't leave without making it awkward, and I felt so fucking uncomfortable because conversation felt forced and weird and I felt like I was interrupting or intruding on your time together or something.

I know you said her leaving early wasn't related to me being there, but I still feel like she was uncomfortably surprised that I was there when she came over, and I kinda feel like you don't really always want me around while she's over, too, which sucks. And of course you guys hung out the next day again anyway bc she left early the day prior, and that also felt like you were redoing your hangout because I was there, which wasn't your plan, and that felt pretty miserable too.

And I know I can't expect your attention all of the time, but when you hang out with her you don't really reply to my messages as often as you usually do either, and when that happens I feel like I'm being ignored, or like I'm bothering you when you're preoccupied.

Also.....on my really bad day (this last Saturday), I was hurting a lot too because there was a point where we were talking about my Big Sads, and you invited me to come up when she left (which like..... I really don't like that the only type of invitation I get when she comes over is "come up when she's gone"), and then you didn't follow through with that either. I wasn't going to ask to come upstairs you know? Like. I felt like such a burden that night, and I felt so unwanted and isolated and insecure, and I really kind of felt like I needed to see you and get reassurance and comfort, and I stayed up for.......longer than I'd like to admit hoping you would ask me to come up. But you forgot, maybe, or assumed I was asleep or something idk what, and I felt so so so small.

I've wanted so badly to talk about this with you, but I'm afraid to, even still. I don't want to be an issue. I don't want to upset you. I don't want to be misunderstood....and I really don't want to be the kind of person who makes you feel like you need to put more restrictive boundaries on what you do or who you do it with. I don't want you to feel like you have to limit your time with Nichole because I've been struggling with my own dumb insecure shit. I don't want to make myself into a problem for you and/or her.

I also don't want to feel like I'm not important or am unwanted because you're too busy with your best friend (who, let's face it, is fucking gorgeous so I already struggle with feelings of jealousy and insecurity about that bc she's so fucking pretty and I'm.....me......... and this is pure insecurity talking, but I don't really know what you see in me in the first place and watching the two of you interact makes me wonder why you don't date her, even though I'm sure there are reasons........... but this also reminds me of the time you told me "even her parents are on Team Kevin" and want you two to date...... And like. Fucking OUCH. That honestly completely crushed me but I couldn't say anything about it because Jesus Christ I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend......).

I'm sorry that this is a lot. And I'm sorry that I feel this way. I've been feeling so guilty and shitty and small for feeling jealous. I feel mean and cruel and ugly for it. I feel so sad and so anxious to talk to you about it because one, I don't want to hurt or upset you and two, I don't want to be like your ex, and I worry that saying anything about Nichole will feel like I'm attacking your relationship with her.

The last thing I want to say is that I am trying to not give a fuck that she stayed overnight the night it stormed (like I get it and I understand why), but waking up to a message from you saying you were getting breakfast for the two of you made me wanna fall through the damn ground, and it caused all sorts of intrusive worry thoughts to spawn.

I trust you and I respect you and I don't think you would do anything to hurt me intentionally, but also I would have liked to know that she was staying overnight. Not like I need to give you fucking permission for that or anything but it would have been nice to know that it was happening? I don't know. Maybe I would've handled it worse if I'd known, I really don't know.

Again, I'm really sorry about this. I know it's a lot and it's probably frustrating and brings up some uncomfortable stuff for you. I don't want to feel shitty and insecure, and I think the longer I don't say this, the more insecure I'm gonna get. I love you so much and I'm really sorry. I've felt like a bad girlfriend and just a bad person lately because I've been harboring all this shit. I've been so scared to talk about it. I don't want to be dramatic I don't want to be overwhelming and I don't wanna be a bitch. I'm just struggling and I'm really sorry. I hope you understand.