#idk the context of what happened but it was rough anyways

[art-of-wackylurker]

WAVES H10 YURAND

[Prompt Game]

Me: No fear

Waves palette: *exists*

Me: One fear

there ya go. Have some whump

[zabimarushoney67]

You may simply consider this a gush/confess if you wish.

There's something romantic to me in the complete trust involved in domination. Another person allowing themselves to become vulnerable and pliable for me.

I think its something Jushiro would enjoy. The trust involved I mean. Even in a non-sexual context. Just the intimate control involved in massaging someone (massage scenarios 👌👌👌).

Anyways, ramble done

-@dragon-anon

So anyway here you go! After a few months, I finally decided to come up with the massage scenarios/one shots for our beloved bleach captains! Our white haired angel Jūshirō being the first star of the show of course 🥰 Thanks a million for being so active here I appreciate it so much 😭🙏🏼, I hope you enjoy!👋🏽😋

🌸The Art of Touching You🌸

SS👀FLUFF💟MDI⚠️

-My take on massage one shot, story scenario thingies idk what you call them (from two different perspectives giving one, and receiving one) from 3 of our beloved bleach captains! Giving referring to reader x character and Receiving referring to character x reader

Lineup: Jūshirō Ukitake, Shunsui Kyoraku, Byakua Kuchiki

Warnings: Some groping but we’re massaging so it’s kind of an occupational hazard, medium language, roaming hands, tongue kisses, moaning from pain relief(?), brat tamer byakuya! !Minors do not interact! Mostly sfw 😜

🌸Jūshirō Ukitake🌸

💠Giving: Jūshirō places the last box, scribbled in big black sharpie, “Living Room”, down on the fluffy carpet. Dusting his hands in a clapping motion, he sighs happily staring at the stacked boxes that laid waist to the living room. Some opened and some still securely taped from the move. Taking a lone lamp from the craziness, he places it next to the sofa and turns it on before shuffling to meet you in the kitchen for dinner ideas.

Opened Chinese containers, used chopsticks, and fortune cookie wrappers decorated the rough set up area you and Jūshirō called in for the night. “You’re so tense tonight Shiro,” you speak to him in gentle consideration, knowing just how hard he’s worked today to make this move happen.

Your thumbs press into a tough knot that had formed over Jūshirō’s left shoulder, “thank your for bringing all the boxes in today, my love.” You hum gently in praise for his good work. Jūshirō sits shirtless between your legs on the floor, his hair pulled into a messy man-bun as you took place on the sofa behind him.

A stupid reality TV show played as subtle background noise, your TV sitting upon the still-packed away TV stand. A disgruntled groan left Jūshirō’s lips now and then as you pushed on his tender muscles. “Not so rough now, babe.” He hisses through his teeth and forces his bottom lip in a soft pout. The pad of your thumb swipes in large circles over the knot repetitively. “I’m sorry Shiro, I just don’t want this thing getting any worse.” You swoon apologetically at him slowly working your hands up to the back of his neck.

You had figured to give the knot some rest before you accidentally bruise him there. Jūshirō hums contently at the feeling of your gentle hands squeezing the muscles where his neck meets his back, rubbing more gentle circles between his shoulder blades. You catch yourself smiling fondly when you see Jūshirō hang his head under your fingertips. Jūshirō closed his eyes, fighting off the sleep that hung over him with each rotation.

Massage work quickly became mindless with the passing time. Cackling loudly at the TV, you followed along with the episode. This show was straight ridiculous, with it’s over dramatized couples fighting for pathetic reasons. It gave you something to focus on as your hands gripped and groped your boyfriends strong arms —the same ones you couldn’t wait to be held in later. Jūshirō sat quietly with his arms hanging over your knees, holding onto your shins with his large hands.

Gentle moans leave his mouth as you hit a tense spot under his bicep. His soft noises turn your attention there forcing your movements into soft kneads, running the muscle up and down under your palm.

Jūshirō’s lanky body melted like putty as you molded and reworked all the spots once more. Rolling his head into your lap his eyes landed in yours. “I love it when you touch me,” his voice sounding soft and faint. He’s so pretty, you thought as your heart fluttered from the look on his sleepy face, it bloomed a blushing smile on your own. “Well, I love touching you,” you cooed sweetly at him, placing your hands on his face you leaned in to place a kiss on his soft lips.

Move in day had been a success, now your life together can truly start. Forever is out there somewhere but it started here, in this peaceful serenity first.

——————————————————————————

💠Receiving: These late hours were surely going to be the death of you at some point, you thought rolling your neck around. Stretching your arms in front of you and locking your fingers together, you swivel around in your desk chair. “Time to finally leave,” you sang happily grabbing your purse and keys from besides your desk drawer.

The office was in desperate need of overtime workers, and making a little more cash sounded pretty good to you when the email was sent out. It originally was only planned over the holidays but it bled further into the advancing Spring Semester Quota. The money was good, but it was leaving your relationship stagnant and tense, and you solemnly missed your husband, his gentle embrace, his dazzling smile.

Spending more time at the office and less of it at home made for missing a lot of things. Birthdays, get-togethers, holidays, and dates all becoming stressors and ‘extras’, then being genuine memories you create with the ones you’re supposed to love.

Opening your door and stepping through the threshold, the entryway desk digital clock flashes 11:02 pm on its black LED surface. You quietly pushed the door shut behind you and took a deep breath of your home's comfortable air. The house was dim and quiet, Jūshirō was probably sleeping you thought sadly, but he had been nice enough to leave some lights on for you.

Hanging your purse on the wall rack you kicked your heels off on the rubber mat meant for household shoes. They perched against Jūshirō’s work shoes that lay so nicely side by side and up against the wall. You smile softly thinking of the beautiful life you’ve managed to create with the man you love.

“Are you just getting home?” Jūshirō’s smooth, quiet voice jolts you from your reminiscent thoughts and thwarted you back into reality. “I thought you’d be in bed by now,” you say in surprise to his sudden appearance on the stairway. “Couldn’t sleep,” he sighed leaning an elbow on the column to the railing. “I’m sorry to hear that,” you spoke, sounding rigid —this wasn’t like either of you but going weeks, months, probably, without one another has deeply rooted this uncomfortable tension. For you anyway.

You nervously bit your bottom lip and looked down at your toes as they wiggled on the cool, dark wood floor. “How was your day,” Jūshirō pushes, noticing the slight discomfort you presented in his presence. “Long. Exhausting, you know. The usual.” You sighed out, chuckling to yourself by your nervous reaction to your husband. It didn’t feel as if you had been married to him for 10 years, but you certainly had. Getting married in your early twenties, and starting adulthood early got you here, in your own beautiful home with Jūshirō.

Taking a the last step down to your level, Jūshirō prowls behind you like a tiger, eying you up and down in your sleek pencil skirt and frilly white blouse, admiring how fitted it was around your waist. “What are you doing?” You ask stilling in your spot as he stood at your back. “What I can’t hug my wife?” “Maybe, give her a much needed massage after a long day?” Jūshirō chides you jokingly.

He laughs heartily, draping his arms around you from behind, swaddling you up against his solid chest, trapping you there. “I just-,” you stop, feeling an ache in your chest. “You work a lot.” Jūshirō began, “but, that will never change how much I love you.” His patience and fiery warmth, left you with fuzzy feelings and a deep blush covering your face. Tears collected at your corners, threatening to fall down your cheeks as you had assumed Jūshirō was fed up with your schedule.

He gently released you with a kiss on your temple. His big hands landed on your slouching shoulders. With steady and continuous pressure, he squeezed and unsqueezed your exhausted body. Pressing and ringing out your built up, untamed stress. For weeks, it had felt like the world was taking residence upon your back. Getting heavier with each passing week of long days, and 35+ hours of overtime. Jūshirō provided you with the care you desired at the exact moment you truly needed it.

Jūshirō pressed both thumbs in between your shoulder blades and rubbed in deep circles there. He could feel your upper back crack under his thumb pads. You groaned deeply with his generously applied pressure in the sorest part of your body. Your slouching habit had developed and matured to an unhealthy amount of time spent that way. You swore to yourself to correct it eventually, and Jūshirō’s loving massage was helping wonders, you couldn’t possibly ruin it by slouching more tomorrow.

Moving his fingers up to your neck, Jūshirō pushes your head down to elongate your muscles and making his thumbs trek easier along them. Swiftly up and down, his long thumbs roamed, stretching out the taut skin. “Fuck..” you breathed through your nose, the pressure was hard to bare but so needed. You dared not to halt Jūshirō’s skilled fingers.

What had meant to be a quick, simple, and loving gesture turned into a long, deep tissue massage standing in your entryway. Jūshirō kept rubbing and squeezing because he noticed just how much you sank into his touch, relaxing as you stood under him. It was sweet, and the first time he’s got to see you so relieved in weeks. The comfortable silence, your soft breathing, and little groans flooded Jūshirō’s heart with such warming joy, he couldn’t resist the grin on his face.

All these years, good and bad, you have always been a hard worker and a dependable person to him. Even now, Jūshirō understood that everything you’ve done as of late, was for the sake of your peaceful life together. Even if you never noticed the hard work you put in, Jūshirō saw it and appreciated everything you had ever sacrificed for him and your happiness together.

Kissing the back of your head, Jūshirō pulls you back into his arms overflowing with adoration for you. “I love you my dear,” “thank you for everything that you do.” He speaks softly in your ears as the clock strikes midnight.

——————————————————————————

🌸Shunsui Kyoraku🌸

💠Giving: The radiant sun beat down on Shunsui’s tanned, muscled back. Laying underneath and soaking up the UV rays on a lounge chair, Shunsui’s long brown hair gently swayed in the salty wind as it was collected at his shoulders and upper back. This vacation was the best idea you had come up with by far.

Getting tired of the rural, in the mountains, Japanese getaways you two usually plan, this one was different. This one, landed you in the tropics of the islands. Palm trees, salty sea spray, hot golden sand, a cozy balcony, and an impeccable view of the vast blue ocean from the presidential suite, spoke of luxury and deep relaxation for you both.

A couple bottles of Tequila and Rum lay empty on the ground around Shunsui’s napping body. His beloved sake being scarce around the island, he’s had to settle for something more attuned to the culture around here. Finding out that he’s terribly addicted to piña-coladas was shocking, even for him. The fruity drink had quickly become his favorite choice anywhere you two had settled for drinks and food.

Opening the balcony door, you sway onto the warm cobbled stone of the beautifully decorated area. A colada and a chic glass filled with a sex on the beach in your hands. Gaudy pink sunglasses cover your eyes, protecting them from the sun. You place the drinks on the glass end table between the lounge chairs and slowly crank the umbrella over the sitting area. Your sheer white sun cover twirled in the breeze, slinking across your smooth skin and down your shoulders as you sat across your sleeping, incredibly handsome fiancé.

“I had some drinks ordered for us babe,” you said with a cute smile on your lips. Kicking your bare feet out and crossing them, you lay relaxed on your palms as they sink into the plush cushions. Shunsui’s smoky eyes peered open at you and a lazy smile grows across his face. “Mah, look at you,” “looking all delectable and delicious underneath the blue sky,” “my lady, is smokin’,” “and I’m one lucky man,” His deep voice purred as he pushed out his lips out against the soft cloth in admiration.

Pushing himself from his position he reaches for his colada and falls back in place on his belly. Missing the straw a few times before catching it with his lips, he finally pulls a first sip, humming happily as the pineapple and coconut flavors exploded in his parched maw. Bringing his golden aviator styled glasses down over his face, Shunsui sprawls back out on the chair, resting his head on crossed arms.

Seeing him so relaxed and carefree was rare, you gazed lovingly over his slumped body. Recently his job has become his entire world. Even at home, he spends long hours in his study, reviewing purchase orders, numbers, and stocks. So studying him now, soaking in all the fruits of his labor was satisfying for you, to say the least.

Sipping down your drink and setting the empty glass down on the table, had made room for some playful thoughts to cross your mind. Without thinking, your body crawled over his back. Spreading your knees you sat down on the back of his thighs and ran your fingers up his smooth, hot back. So warm, and such a pretty color- you thought as his burning skin moved under your fingers. A warm groan leaves Shunsui as he feels you spread your hands over his back, pushing up his spine and back down again.

“Where’s all this coming from, petal?” Shunsui hums, sorely hiding his appreciation for your efforts within his question. “I honest to God, couldn’t give you an exact answer, my love.” “I just felt like touching you, and,” “you work very hard.” “For me, for you, for our life together, and for your company.”

Your pure honesty made Shunsui’s heart swell up with emotion in his chest. He smiles fondly from your genuine words from where he lay under you. “Now look at us, living it up in the tropics,” you say the sound of your laugh getting lost in your words. “Think of it, as my token of appreciation for you, baby.” You coo. Your smile never leaving your lips, as you leaned down to place supple kisses on his shoulders.

“This was all your idea, my love.” “The best idea, might I add,” Shunsui teases playfully, grinning now after hearing your happily given praise. Your hands continue their exploration over the expanse of his back. Your eyes scanning all his delicious muscle lines, remembering each little freckle and sun spot that decorated his broad shoulders and upper back.

You knead his lower back and up his sides, quieting a moan that bubbles up as you felt his muscles flex under your hands. He’s so fucking yummy —your mind fills with all the times he’s flexed during sex, and how it drove you wild every time. This time was no different. Shunsui’s physique alone, was enough to make you drool like a puppy waiting for a treat.

You simply couldn’t help yourself as you laid down over his body and started smooching his skin. Your swimsuit covered breast pushed against his back as you arched into him. Softly licking and nibbling at him with your plush lips. “Mm fuck, petal.” “Keep doing that and you’re gonna have a hard problem in your hands” Shunsui drawls out, tugging on his lower lip between his perfect teeth. “I just can’t help myself Shun,” “I can stop, if you want me to.” You pout with a sly grin on your face. Knowing him, it would be the last thing he’d want. “No, no, no.” “Please, continue.” He spit out quickly, making you giggle as you already knew.

Your playful teasing, flirtatious giggles, and roaming hands turned into heavy panting and shrill screams as Shunsui soared you to brand new heights, right there on that lounge chair. The evening panned perfectly, ending the day with shaking legs, soft kisses, and some damn good sleep in the cali king bed. Prepping you two for another day full of adventure as you sank deeper into your week long vacation, with the love of your life.

——————————————————————————

💠Receiving: The sound of water hissing as it’s tossed on hot stones sizzled through the air. The thick, humid heat of the sauna stuck to your skin as you slouched against the wood paneling. Shunsui ladles another hefty dose of water over the rocks, filling the room with more steam. His built body glistened, slick with sweat and his chest hair clinging against his pecs. Leaning back on the wood Shunsui places his arms on the ledge behind you, breathing in deeply as his sore muscles relaxed with the soothing heat.

You lean into his body, your towel straining to hold up against your cleavage. Shunsui’s eyes glance down at your body as you move into him, your skin effortlessly slides against his and it’s kind of a turn on — he wasn’t ashamed to admit to himself. A gentle smile spreads on his lips from your close contact and the delightful view of your towel squished bosom. “Well aren’t you just adorable,” Shunsui coos at you, blush covering his cheeks as he peered into your owlish blinking eyes.

“I figured you’d be to hot to cuddle in here,” he says affectionately, bringing and arm down and around your shoulder. “It is but, it’s a good kind of heat,” you admit smiling as he presses you against his bare chest. “This is really helping,” you say quietly, making Shunsui look curiously down at you. “Are you sore?” He inquires with a slight frown on his face. “Yeah, a little,” you sigh deeply through your nose, the hot air stinging your nostrils. “I’m so sorry,” “I tried to be gentle this time, I swear!” Shunsui pouts squeezing your shoulder under his palm. “Not from that you pervert!” You screech, playfully smacking his chest over and over.

“If not from that,” “then why are you sore, my love?” Shunsui grins, chuckling at your reaction and embarrassedly blushed face. “I did something to my shoulder,” “I don’t know what, maybe lifting something,” “but it hurts anytime I move it.” You explain, gently rotating your shoulder. You wince with a grimace as it came around full circle. “I see, do you want me to rub it,” “maybe the heat and my skilled hands can help relieve some of that tension,” Shunsui flirts, playfully pursing his lips at you. “I would actually really enjoy a massage right now,” “but don’t get any ideas Kyoraku!” You hiss, hoping your tone will sate that sexual demon that dwells in the pits of Shunsui’s mind.

“On my life,” “I just want to help you feel better,” Shunsui says placing a large palm over his heart. “Okay, I believe you,” you say with a shrug swiveling around to face away from the man. Lifting his heavy body, he flows with your movement as he placed his fingers in your towel, tugging it gently. Swatting his hand away you peek behind your shoulder, “you just said you’d help, what do you think you’re doing?” You glare at him, Shunsui lifts his hands quickly away from you as if you burned him. His pitiful face gleamed back at you, “Nothing! I’m trying to move the towel so I can get more room for my hands,” “honest.” He swore still not bringing his hands down.

“You could’ve just said that, I am so sorry,” you laugh out loud feeling stupidly relieved. “Anywhere else I wouldn’t be so on edge, but this is a public sauna,” “anyone could walk in at any time.” You rambled on apologetically to Shunsui as he lowered his hands to his lap. “It’s okay,” “I understand my love, no worries,” he grinned, his handsome smile beaming back at you. His calm demeanor allowed you some room to relax as you took your place facing away from him. Shunsui tries again this time with notification about the removal of your towel, making you snort with laughter.

Gently pulling your towel down you went to hold the front of it over your chest, modestly trying to cover your soft mounds from any random eyes that may intervene. Shunsui’s large palms run up your back, pushing inward against your spine. You couldn’t help the fit of giggles and a squeal that roused from your mouth, it tickled. “Shun baby, you need to do more pressure,” you said through your fits, arching your back away from his hands. “I’m ticklish! you know that,” you pouted, groaning as your tummy hurt from your laughter.

Shunsui sat behind you silently losing himself in his own laughter fits, his shoulders shook as he clasped a hand over his mouth . “I’m sorry petal, let me try again,” he says forcing his fits away. His sudden serious demeanor change wasn’t helping the situation, as you two fell right back into a spree of fits together. “Okay seriously, help me!” You whined out, still laughing at the current humorous situation.

“Yes of course dear,” Shunsui said with a wide smile still on his face. Moments like these were so precious to him. When you two were goofy together, everything in the world felt possible. Calming himself Shunsui raises his hands once more, this time settling for your shoulders first. His strong rough hands squeezed hard, forcing a groan to leave your throat. Gently pressing his thumbs in time with his squeezing hands felt like pure heaven, the steamy air relaxed your muscles making them more pliable under Shunsui’s duress.

Strongly gripping your shoulders, Shunsui moved them in gentle circles, reveling in the sound of your moans. Knowing he could make you moan without the sex was incredibly satisfying for him. Learning to please you in other ways was beneficial information. Especially, if you two decided to keep this friends-with-benefits thing going. Shunsui loved you, deeply, he just couldn’t bring himself to say it yet. Nervous that you would reject his offer and never speak to him again. That was his biggest fear, he simply couldn’t survive your rejection. One day though —he hoped and held faith that it would happen, that maybe you felt the same for him.

Running his grip down your arms and roaming them back up and over your shoulders had you in pure bliss. You swayed freely with his hands as they took care of you. “I’m gonna touch your back,” Shunsui warns as his fingers rest on your shoulders. “Thanks for the heads up, chief,” you acknowledge with a thumbs up, bracing yourself for his touch. Pressing his fingers in your shoulders, Shunsui drags them down to the tips of your shoulder blades. “You okay?” He hums before continuing, being very cautious now about your ticklish nature. “Yeah..” you respond weakly, feeling the excitement bubble and roll in your belly.

Laying his hands flat on your back, his thumbs swipe up and down the blade. Shunsui digs his thumbs and palms into your back and slowly moves them around. You could feel the excitement leaving as you surrendered your vulnerable back to his hands. The gentle rotation lulling the tensed muscle that was causing your shoulder pain. “You really are skilled with your hands,” you groan out feeling the pinched muscles release. “I’m happy to hear that from you y/n-chan,” Shunsui smiles gratefully, happy to make you feel good.

Not long after starting the rejuvenating massage, someone else crashed the party as they took place on the empty side of the sauna. Helping you tie your towel back in place, Shunsui apologetically shrugged at you. Shunsui was upset himself to, as he started to enjoy the feeling of your weight sinking into his hands. Figuring it was about time to head back to your room, Shunsui takes your hand and holds it the entire way back. Silently hoping you would let him continue his handiwork, and maybe a little more.

——————————————————————————

🌸Byakua Kuchiki🌸

💠Giving: The front door swung shut, closing gently with a click as it met the threshold. Byakuya takes a hefty swig of his water bottle before hanging his mesh gym bag on the coat rack. “How was your work out?” You ask from your pile of blankets and bowl of chips on the sofa. It was about 3pm in the afternoon, and you had decided today was the day you did absolutely nothing. It was your last day off out of the week, work and being productive were the last things on your mind.

Puffing on your peach mango vape, you mindlessly watched criminal history and murder mysteries on YouTube. “It was good,” Byakuya says as he strolled to you in the living room, where you sat perched in the corner of the sofa.

The lives you lived together were entirely different from one another. Byakuya was up early, 7am on the dot. Creating his to-do lists and making a healthy breakfast before he headed to work or the gym. While you on the other hand, woke up late often, worked, came home, barely ate unless reminded, smoked your weed, and played your video games when you had the free time. Separated, but perfect when meshed together.

Instead of sitting on the couch with you, Byakuya grabs one of the decorative, large sitting pillows and sits on the ground, in front of you. Laying his head back he can feel your shins crossed underneath his neck. “Is this all you’ve done today babe,” Byakuya teases you with a smile. “Yeah? What of it?” You furrow your brows, the sarcasm in your voice poorly hidden as you stared ahead at your video, hitting your vape again. “Just curious,” Byakuya chides, his smile widening as he lowered his head to what you were watching.

Grabbing the sides of his head you leaned down to him, “What are you gonna do about it, tough guy?” You joke as your smooch his head over and over. Byakuya blindly reaches around with his hands until he found your head, “Don’t test me little girl,” “you’ll be sorry,” he says playfully before leaning his head back once more. Your lips holding a crafty smile hovered above his, “Oh, is that what you think?” “You don’t scare me, you big teddy bear.” Your smile grows bigger as you ended the teasing match. Kissing him softly for tax, you lean back and break free from his clutches.

As Byakuya lowered his head he twists it with his fingers forcing a few loud cracks and pops, as his neck released. “Whew, that was a good one,” you acknowledged with a small golf clap. Chuckling at you he grips the back of his neck and rubs it softly. “My neck has been giving me hell the last few days,” Byakuya sighs as he heavily drops his hand into his lap. “Hey..” he paused hoping you were paying attention, “you wanna rub me down?” He asks. With a mouth full of chips and a wave of your hand you respond, “later, this video is finally getting good.” “I… I didn’t mean it like that,” Byakuya says a blush covering his cheekbones.

“A massage babe,” he says bringing his hands together in front of him. “But babe, it’s my last day off,” you whined with pouty lips, still dedicated to your long list of doing nothing today. “Please babe,” Byakuya says with his eyes clenched shut and a whine equally as loud as yours. “I’ll love you forever,” He says rolling his head into your lap, his hands still clasped together in prayer. You groan loudly with an eye-roll, “Okay fine, just stop your whining you big lug.” You say with slight irritation as you pause your video and resort to some music to fill the quiet instead.

“C’mon, Take off your shirt,” You shrug with a sigh, curling your fingers in an upward motion. “You don’t gotta sound so excited to see me shirtless, babe.” Byakuya says laughing as he hoists his soft grey shirt over his head. His long raven black hair fell down his shoulders, and over his chest as he crumpled his shirt and tossed it to the side.

“I’ve heard just about enough out of you,” you snark at him as you gather his hair and push it all to one shoulder. “Lean forward so I can see what I’m working with,” you say as your hands gently push on his shoulders. “Yes mamas,” “anything for you,” Byakuya schmoozes with pursed lips, feeling all to giddy about your hands touching him.

Leaning forward and settling there, you smack your hands harshly down on his shoulders, and lazily flail your hands across his upper back. “Hey, Hey!” Byakuya barks raising his arms to break up your goofy movements. “Behave,” he said with a grin laughing with you. Your giggle fit subsided into a smile as you start squeezing on his sculpted shoulders. You begin his massage by pressing your thumbs into his muscles, slowly scrunching your hands from the sides of his shoulders to his neck.

Byakuya sighs gently, hanging his head to give you more space for your fingers. Rowing your thumb pads under his neck, you start pushing your thumbs along the bone in an upward motion. “Shit…” Byakuya breathes his hair hiding his clenched jaw as you had already found the exact spot that was hurting him. “Right there babe,” he says as his head fell further. “Do you need more pressure?” “Or is this okay?” You ask him hoping you weren’t being to rough. “It’s perfect,” he hums a smile spreading across his face.

Soft music lulled over your nice sound system, as rain began to tap and drip down the living room windows. Byakuya rested his elbows on his knees as you continued your slow presses into his neck. “Fuck that feels good,” Byakuya groans, “thank you babe, seriously.” He continued, moaning as your thumbs find a good rhythm and pressure along his neckline.

“You owe me later,” “hope you’re aware of that,” you say with a few swipes of your thumbs. “Yeah, yeah, whatever you want.” Byakuya waves you off, enjoying his massage to his fullest capabilities. “Whatever I want, you say?” A big grin sprawls over your face as possibilities started swarming your head. “Oh boy.” Byakuya says almost regretfully, as he knew you would come up with the most obscene thing for him to do later.

After a moment of your silence, worry quickly exuded from Byakuya. “Okay out with it woman,” “What do you want in exchange?” He inquired carefully, bracing himself for something silly like a strip tease, or walking around the apartment bare-ass naked for the night. “Hmmm let me think about it,” you say softly, taking some consideration and deliberately thinking over your options. “I think I would like,” you drawl out with a hum. “I think I would like a bouquet of roses,” “a nice dinner on the boardwalk,” “and a pint of Ben n’ Jerry’s ice cream.” “Yeah that sounds nice,” you squint, nodding your head in approval.

A loud sigh of relief leaves Byakuya’s lips. “Oh thank god,” he says breathily, placing a palm over his chest. “I was preparing for something way worse,” he says chuckling, his shoulders shaking with laughter as he truly believed you’d make him embarrass himself. “What like a strip tease?” You ask curiously, “that was one of them yeah,” Byakuya’s laugh suddenly switching to nervousness.

“Fuck man! that would’ve been such a great idea,” you sway backwards with howling laughter, “can I change my idea?” You say with a wide grin and your hands clasped together. “Absolutely not!” Byakuya said shaking his head quickly and waving his finger in a ‘no’ fashion. “Oh c’mon, no fair!” You whine again, sorely wishing you had said the strip tease instead.

——————————————————————————

💠Receiving: Byakuya settled into the steaming bathtub, extending his hand towards you he helps you in. Taking his slender fingers in your own you gently step in, the water feeling hotter than usual.

“Something the matter?” Byakuya stated, peeking at you through his free falling bangs hanging out from his put up hair. “No, not at all,” you wave your free hand, trying not to provoke him in any way. “Why are you still standing then y/n?” “Get in.” His voice sounded demanding when he spoke, spooking you just a bit. “Yes sir, sorry sir.” You submit quickly biting your lip, hearing his voice like that always riled you up.

“You’re sure nothing is wrong?” Byakuya pressed, his gentler side coming out to play. “No sir, the water was just a little warm,” you say settling between his long, muscular legs. “I’ll be sure to mention that to them,” he said smoothly, his arms laying on the rim of the pristinely white tub. ‘Them’ referring to the house servant’s that were directly employed under Byakuya.

Being a big time CEO and multimillionaire came with its perks, and dating one was a new experience for you. You had never seen yourself in a big fancy, modern loft that overlooked the bustling city. Yet here you were, sipping on bubbly champagne in the same tub you and Byakua bathed together in during the week.

The steam filled bathroom smelled faintly of Byakuya’s expensive cologne, and plenty of jasmine and sage. That being the choice of bath oil he had picked for the night. Falling back gently you laid your naked body down on Byakuya’s solid chest. Your head swept to its natural position on his left shoulder.

His muscles felt good against your back, you hummed in contentment at the feel of him there. This being, the only real intimate time you got during Byakua’s busy schedule. It was always the thing you looked forward to since he always cleared that schedule, just for you.

Your arms snaked around your stomach as you got comfy on your boyfriends body, the hot water lapping just above your chest. Byakuya was silent, his eyes were hooded as he breathed your essence in. Your close proximity, and the view of your naked body underneath him made his palms itch to touch you.

Bringing a hand from the side of the tub, he gently touches your shoulder. Dragging his finger up your neck he watched as your head fell further, exposing the whole side of your neck. studying your beauty in all its glory. He swiped your loose hair behind your neck, watching as it made contact with the water, the strands soaking it up against his collarbones.

“How was your day, beautiful?” His smooth voice reverberated in the quiet room. “It was okay.” You breathed out, playfully swishing the water with your fingers. Nothing of extreme importance had happened today, you thought. You just patiently waited all day for work to be over with, so you could be swindled up in your bath time with Bya.

“Just okay?” Byakuya asks curiously his lips curling up in a crafty smile. Still gently running his finger up and down your neck, he slowly moves his hands down in the water. “Yeah, I’ve actually been waiting for this all day,” you giggle from his light touches, goosebumps popping up on your skin that lay uncovered by the bath water. The sound of your laugh exploded in the room, as Byakuya’s sneaky free hand gripped your side under his fingers. His surprise attacks were always so cute, it was like he had a sonar for knowing the right exact time for any and everything.

Pushing you up with his body he runs his hand along your belly holding you steady against him. Your squeals and happy giggles made what was usually a cold heart, warm and full. He grinned against your soft skin, slowly smooching your exposed neck. “Oh, you’ve been waiting?” He growls against your neck, lightly biting your sensitive skin. “Ah! Yes sir!” You squeak out from the feeling of his canines digging into your neck.

“Me too, baby.” He agreed honestly and kissed the bite mark gently in truce. “I love bath time with you Bya,” you replied cutely placing your hands on his knees that sat above the water. “I love it too,” Byakuya replied softly as he held you gently from behind, his head being sported on your shoulder.

Kissing the space behind your ear, Byakuya scoots back just enough to put some space between his body and you. His hands sat at your waist, his thumbs resting against your lower back. Bath time usually consisted of you two chatting, drinking, relaxing, and massaging one another.

That’s why it was your favorite, all of Byakuya’s time, affection, attention, and hands were implied for your care and only that. Gently pressing into your back with his thumb pads, he rocked his thumbs back and forth working on your tense muscle there.

Byakuya never talked about your job or what you did for a living. He simply didn’t have the time, or the interest to delve into your personal life that way. He could take care of you for the rest of your life with the money he had, but you needed your independence — which he throughly understood. But your body was always so tense and stressed. It would be wrong for him, not to be concerned about what the hell you were doing at work all day.

It truly didn’t matter what you did, where you went, who you were with. As long as you always returned to him that’s all he needed from you. So that he could care for you and make sure somebody does something about your stressed body, because you surely didn’t —brat. Byakuya smirks as his mind ran with thoughts of you.

With open hands he runs his pressed thumbs up to your middle spine, holding onto your sides gently. His fingertips skimmed the sides of your breast forcing a breathy moan to leave your parted lips.

Byakuya watched intently as he worked your muscles under his thumbs. His eyes devoured your smooth skin and the way it glistened under the warm light, little water droplets decorating the expanse of your shoulder blades. The fragrant, expensive bath oil did wonders with your tired skin while also making it easier for Byakuya’s fingers and thumbs to work it.

“You’re so beautiful,” he purred in adoration, a smile tugging at his lips. “Thank you, as always sir.” You say quietly, your body relaxing deeply from his pressurized movements. Straightening out your back, Byakuyas skilled hands move to your neck.

Gently placing his hands at the apex, his fingers wrap softly around your throat. Teasingly squeezing you there, Byakuya audibly groaned when the sound of your dramatic, over-the-top moan filled his ears. He cursed you for sounding so sexy and for testing him every single fucking day.

Stirring under the water he forcibly calms his mind. As much as he wanted to, he wasn’t about to give into the temptation of taking you right here, in the bath tub. He pushed his filthy thoughts to the side and got back to molding his hands all over your neck and shoulders. The feeling of his gentle hands and even gentler squeezes, you found yourself yawning at the relaxation that slowly took over your body.

Byakuya noticed how slumped your shoulders had become since he started rubbing them, he smiled softly to himself knowing you could feel safe with him. “What do ya say…” “We move this party to the bedroom?” Byakuya spoke to you softly giving you the option to choose. “Am I getting a full body massage tonight?” You inquired, raising your eyebrow and pursing your lips at the idea. “If that’s what you want,” Byakuya replied with a nonchalant shrugging motion.

“Yes!” You say in selfish victory, it wasn’t often for him to give you exactly what you wanted when money wasn’t involved. So any opportunity you had to exploit free time with Bya, you ran with it. Byakuya also had to be in the mood to do something before doing it, especially when it came to his precious free time from the company he ran. ~And he calls me the brat.~

Stepping from the tub, Byakuya pulls you up and hands you a towel. Just as you finished drying you suddenly feel your feet leaving the ground. A scream leaves you as your thrown over Byakuya’s strong shoulder. Giving your bare ass a harsh smack, he carries you into the bedroom against your will.

“If I’m spending the time, I’m gonna do what I want.” He fronts to you as you whine loudly, screeching for him to put you down as your flail your legs. “Bya put me down! You fucker!” You yell, smacking and gripping the skin of his back under your palms. “Fighting me isn’t going to get you anywhere,” he snarks as he tosses you onto his huge bed.

Smiling wolfishly down at your surprised face, Byakuya placed his hands on your knees and climbed in front of you. Leaning over you, his long fingers cup your chin and force your stare to his. Kissing you deeply, he slides his tongue into your mouth to toy with yours. A sigh leaves his nose as you willingly accepted his mouth, your hands coming up to rest on his face. Placing his weight on a palm next to your head, his fingers slide up to the side of your cheek as he continued with his fervent kisses.

Pulling away from you, he lays his forehead on yours feeling himself stiffen with your soft rousing moans. “I promised you a full body massage right?” He asked hoping you would just let him continue with his needs for you. “You absolutely did sir!” “And acting all sexy won’t get you out of it,” you smile devilishly like the brat you are right to his face.

Putting a finger on his chin you push him away softly, and reluctantly Byakuya falls away sitting back on his heels. “Alright,” he huffs. Regaining his composure and straightening his posture, his brown eyes look down at your splayed out body before him. With a giddy shake of your hips you peer up at him, your hand covering your shit-eating grin. “Turn over.” He demands that cold, forceful voice returning as it seeped down into your eardrums. He’s so serious right now, better be nice — you admonished yourself with a sly smile on your face, putting your brat tendencies on hold, for now.

——————————————————————————

-WOO! That’s some content right there! If you enjoyed likes, reblogs, comments, and follows are appreciated and help my page grow! Let me write more content! Thank you for tuning in and reading!

-Writing this was so fun! I kinda want to do a another captains one and maybe some Lieutenants! Lmk what you think 🤔

🌸FOLLOW ME YA FUCKIN IDIOTS I LOVE YOU🌸

@dragon-anon

[smol-bean-of-the-smols]

beans, how do you get the lines in your art so clean

OOH YAY IVE BEEN WANTING TO EXPLAIN MY LINES (its a bit of a long rambling post, sorry jkasfgjhak)

I use a specific brush in clip studio paint, Rough under India Ink in Brushes, and i believe it came with my program. This is how it looks at varying pressures (zoomed in for the texture). It's a shaped brush, so it's wider when being moved vertically and thinner when moved horizontally (i use this to my advantage with rotating the canvas :D)

I use this brush for sketching, and a very large portion of the time, that sketch is cleaned up and made into the lines you see in the final pieces! For example's sake, here's what a rough sketch would look like:

The sketch could be cleaner or messier than this, yet the process remains. The sketches get cleaned up with that same brush and the eraser. I like making the width of the lines quite varied, normally the outside/shaping lines thicker and the lines of shallow folds thinner (in the context of drawing clothing).

Usually, I start with erasing the parts of the lines that extrude a bit much and reconnecting the lines properly, and that brush makes it quite easy! Sometimes I also make an area, like a weird intersection, thicker than necessary so I can erase it into the shape I want. This happened to the area with the red arrow below (it's a very fun part :D).

The process of cleaning up the lines usually consists of just drawing over sketch lines to make them more solid and erasing some edges for a sharper look. You'll notice some (not all) intersections are thickened, like around the outside. I don't do this with intersections made of thinner lines because it'd take away some of the delicacy.

And some lines I never touch! Like the line the blue arrows are pointing at. What's also important about that line is the almost angled part of it in the middle. I like using this brush to make smooth corners, like where the yellow arrows are pointing, using pen pressure. I like using almost-triangles in my lines and shapes. You may notice I use a lot of triangles in the middle of clothing to make folds, even when they don't really make sense to stay as lines rather than just shading but shhhh.

And lastly, something I also do, but not always, is copy and paste the lines and blur them with a gaussian blur of 6 and turn down the opacity to how I see fit. It dulls the sharpness of the lines, which depending on the drawing can be a VERY good thing, as well as darkening them a bit.

I can also put that layer beneath the original lines, alpha lock the transparency, and make it a color! Like on the right if you can see the difference. Depending on the drawing, maybe I'll make the layer a blending layer to interact with the colors beneath it in interesting ways! I don't do it that often, but I do love doing it anyway.

Anyways, in conclusion, it's the brush I use that is the main part of the process. Idk what I'd do without it kjashfklaj

[thatdeadaquarius]

Sobbing and crying just saw your post of us sounding like a Sim, and I am DYING.

What if it went the other way? They can understand us, but we can't understand them!

Us : hey so what the fuck is happening why tf am I in genshin impact

Them : OMG ASKSKSKSKS FEDERRRALL MEERKK TREEESO! (Omg it's the divine God I'm shittinh myself oml) or whatever idk)

Us: excuse me what the fuck did you just say about my mother? (US mishearing or maybe the words are randomized? Who knows)

Everyone just being confused and frustrated on why you can't understand them. Is it because they aren't worshipping you enough? Maybe some friendship level BS where obly those who are lvl 10 can understand u or smth? Who knows, certainly not the Creator.

I highkey am thinking about writing smth for this now but having it be for like each archons reaction or smthin but who knows. I just wanna see a bunch of divine beings confused outta their mind in like whatever cities square and it turning into a "holy game of charades"

Also happy early birthday ajdjdjkdkdkdk

I”M SO LATE SO THANK YOU FOR THE BDAY WISHES LMAO SORRY KARMA MY BELOVED

AHHHHH U INSPIRED ME BY THE ARCHONS HOLY GAME OF CHARADES-

AND OH NO LVL 10 ONLY FRIENDSHIP UNDERSTANDING-

(づ ￣ ³￣)づ here have a hug for your patience- sorry karma!! :')

LMAO this inuyasha gif- obviously everyone else guessing what ur doing and the 2 others r like ppl like Venti or Kaeya who r just fucking with ppl by joining you lol

OK BUT WHO DO U HAVE LVL 10 FRIENDSHIP?!

BC I GOT NOBODY 😭

ITS RLLY HARD TO DO OKAY-

I HAVE TO PUT ACTUAL EFFORT INTO THE FEW THAT ARE LEVEL 4-5 

ID BE SO FUCKED-

Oh no.

Oh god (you??) no.

What if you had the highest friendship with little d**ks like Scaramouche.

noooOOOOOO

He’d be like, “Eh, I don’t feel like translating today.” 💀

Also I’m rolling with the idea that 

perfect understanding = lvl 10,

Most words 7-9

Some words 5-6

Kinda ?? they get 2 words per sentence or smth 3-4

Basically nothing 1-2

��

Anyway ornery bitches like Scara/Xiao/Alhaitham/Rosaria/Diluc (all for diff reasons like diluc/xiao would just be overwhelmed and dont like ppl that much lol, whereas haitham doesnt give a fuck lmao) would kinda suck to have as translators

OH NOT THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD JUST LIE ABOUT WHAT U SAID ON PURPOSE TO DECEIVE THE MASSES LIKE Heizou/Yae Miko/Kaeya/Venti 

They pull something like “oh well the god of gods said I could have the last slice of cake/an extra glass of wine hehe”

For different reasons these people would also be ROUGH translators: FISCHL OH NO- , Zhongli, Albedo (he simply would omit “unnecessary details”, cyno, ITTO PLEASE, Raiden (puppet) bc shed take stuff too far/too literally u would never be able to communicate jokes, Razor (im sorry bbyboy), Shenhe

THE CHARADDEEESSS

THE CHARADES OF THE GODS 

You may or may not get another title of a jokester god bc of these SILLY charades 💀

The people u have higher levels of friendship with giving hints LMAO

♤

“Uhhh….. Oh! Oh! Greatest Lord wishes to see a dance performance!” 

Nahida’s sweet voice rings out in Yujing Terrace, her tiny hand waving in the air like an elementary student who’s really excited to answer. …Which isn’t that far off honestly.

“Hmm, I disagree Buer, I believe the Hundun Emperor is saying they wish to take a bath perhaps. I am also attempting to use context, as it has been a long day for them.” Zhongli is in his classic “majestic thinking gentleman” pose, and you’d admire it more if it weren’t for the fact that they don’t seem to be getting what you’re saying.

You hadn’t yet found someone with a higher friendship level than 2 or 3 (hey, don’t blame yourself, you really have to put effort into friendship levels to get them anywhere and you were still busy screwing around in Sumeru when you got spirited away).

So needless to say, most people were getting “the, me, I, you, etc.” rather than the actual important keywords you needed them to, hence the godly charade game now.

As you “hold” something, you throw your hands up in the air, still keeping your hands wrapped around nothing. You think if somebody told you last week that you’d be playing charades with the archons in Genshin Impact so you could actually communicate with them… well you don’t know what you would have done. Maybe just gave them a really awkward laugh.

“Oh! Are you asking for a weapon? Akitsu Mikami, my emperor, we or our nations will surely provide protection from any harm that might befall you. Hm, I suppose we should offer something anyway… I wouldn’t want to displease them…” Ei mutters to herself, having taken over her puppet once more for the occasion.

She and Buer, still retaining their authority status, had asked for the area to be cleared in order to try and get closer to communicating with the Divine First, or you.

“Ha! What idiot would try to hurt the All-Parent in their home, unless they wish to get thrown?” Venti cheekily says, as you don’t understand him, but judging by Zhongli’s clenched jaw, Ei’s sigh, and Nahida’s giggle, you can guess.

You give your own sad sigh… it’s already been 3 hours. 😭

How hard is charades for 4 archons??

Well… apparently very hard.

You put your face in your hands, and you hear the (retired) archons start to debate something, you can tell it’s getting a little passive-aggressive between Venti and Zhongli by their tone alone. 

…Okay, now it’s just aggressive.

The archons eventually give their attention back to you so you can go back to your charades lol

You tried opening your mouth and closing it, very obvious, they can’t go wrong. 

…Turns out they can. 

Somehow you find yourself with a hot tea brewed by the geo archon. 

(Venti attempted to offer you Dandelion Wine, or Osmanthus Wine even, and only god, well you now, knows where he pulled them from. Ei swatted his head, he looked so offended, and his cheeks were all puffed up, heh.)

Giving up, you just try to motion for them to stay still, your hands gesturing like trying to calm a wild animal.

They give you questioning looks, and you begin to walk off, they all seem to immediately start discussing something with each other. All of the gods look very conflicted, and after a minute of you getting further away (yes, you’re almost home free, Xiangling here you come! ) Nahida skips to catch up with you.

She gives you a beaming smile, and you can’t bring yourself to not return it. She's so much cuter in real life, even the official art didn't do her justice.

You make your way towards the restaurant, finally.

And apparently you’re happier than you thought to smell the savory scents flowing out of the kitchen because your stomach growls loudly.

You’re too hungry to even attempt to stop it, no one will care, except Nahida’s eyes go wide. She begins to sputter, and flail her hands desperately trying to charade an apology at you.

…you were just trying to tell them you were hungry. 💀

☆

Ask box open again! :] 🎊

Pspspspspssubliminalmessagingyouwillsendthatdeadaquariusanaskpssppspspspspssss

✨️Hope you guys got smth out of this rough draft✨️ ♡

:D hope u guys have had a good weekend!

My senior art exhibit is april 6th so wish me luck and prayers (from any religion im not picky pls)

Safe Travels,

💀♒️

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist

[chuuyasheaven]

Heya! I'm literally OBSESSED with your Dazai fanfic for valentines event its so good omg it got me rolling on the floor gasping for air, beating the shit outta my octogawa plushie 😭 ( he's fine dw)

since I'm thirsty af can I request prompt 9, 11 and 12 for this hot ass mf Akutagawa and its a jealous seggs and bondage too where he tied you up with rashoumon omg... Also happy late valentines day I'm sorry if I hadn't wish you valentines day on 14th I had go to my old school for reunion 😭😭

Anyways I wish you luck bbg 😼😼

ᴘʀᴏᴍᴘᴛ/ɴᴜᴍʙᴇʀ: 9: “Beg for it, let me know that you deserve it.”, 11: “You're mine and I'm only yours, got it?” and 12: “Let me hear your sweet moans, baby.”

sᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ:Jealous Sex with Akutagawa! I guess he just wants to make sure you know who you belong to, right? <3

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs: Jealous!Akutagawa, fem!Reader, Rashoumon being used as a rope to tie Reader up, rough sex, ada!Reader, bratty!Reader if you squint.. Lmk know if i fucked smth up!!! Accidentally added 10- (y'all are in the bedroom btw.)

ɴᴏᴛᴇs (ғʀᴏᴍ ᴍᴇ): I lowkey giggled when i read this..but i love this smut-trope alot! (if that's a thing) and it's okay, school sucks lol. Enjoy bbg! 🤭

“Tell me, why did you hang with that disgrace of a tiger again?” he growled against your neck.

~

For a little context, you and Akutagawa were a couple.

But you were both from enemy organizations, which didn't stop you from dating though.

I mean, yeah, Akutagawa doesn't like any of them except for you and Dazai, but it really bothered him that you were friends with the Weretiger, one of his biggest enemies..

This time, he was just really annoyed.

When he walked to the café where you were supposed to be at, he saw how you smiled at Atsushi the way you smile at him, not to mention that you let him touch you.

He just waited for you to finish, gave Atsushi a quick death stare and walk off with you.

Now back to where we left off-

“He was just hugging me, Aku, it's not a big deal!”, you spoke up for yourself.

“I don't like the way you smile at him, it actually makes me want to kill him even more.”, Akutagawa responded,

“Aku, let's just leave this for some other time. It's getting kinda annoying, y'know?” you tried to change the subject.

Akutagawa looked at you with slight annoyance.

How could you say that? He was just worried about you and Atsushi, what if you left him for Atsushi like Dazai did? Poor Aku. Come on you couldn't blame him for being jealous!

But, he won't let you be.

Akutagawa wants to, no, he needs to convince you to stay by him.

That's when something inside him snapped.

“Rashoumon!”, interrupting the silence in the room, as black ropes held you in place.

Being not able to process what had just happened, you feel you chin lifted by his hand.

“You know how such things annoy me, right? If you still don't get it, let me demonstrate.” Akutagawa just said.

“Akutagawa, what do you mean by-”, you let out a slight 'eek!' when you felt Rashoumon ripping off your panties.

(idk if Rashoumon can do that but yeah and yes, you had a nightgown on)

As you wanted to ask him again, you heard him removing belt, but also felt yourself get wetter by the second.

Lining up at your cunt, he let's his free finger get a taste of your slick.

“You're already wet? What a whore, but since, you taste so fuckin' good, baby, I'll let that slide. I know for a fact that the Weretiger will never get such a good taste in his miserable life, don't you agree?” Akutagawa smirked slighty, as he started inserting his cock into you.

You muffled your moans at this euphoric feeling, which Akutagawa didn't like. The Rashoumon tangled up your hands.

“Come on, Let me hear your sweet moans, darling, let everyone know who you belong to..” he panted as he started thrusting his length into you.

That's when you started to moan shamelessly louder than expected, not like he didn't like it.

How could you even keep quiet if he was fucking you so good? Akutagawa's cock hit all the right places, he filled you up just right!

“I'm c-close, Aku! Please don't stop..!” you desperately moaned to him, you let out a whine as he slowed his pace down.

“Oh? Well, i might aswell stop right now, because i don't know if you deserve it..”, as you tried to move, you desperately failed.

Akutagawa, who saw this reaction let out a chuckle.

“You're such a slut. But if you have to cum that bad, beg for it, let me know that you deserve it.” he just demanded that from you because he was close to cumming, so hearing you beg for it, was gonna speed the process up.

“P-please, Akutagawa, i need you so bad..please let me cum! I swear, I'm only yours, i love you so much-”, you got interrupted by his erotic thrusting.

But now he was eager to cum, he needed to release into you.

“That's..damn r-right, you're mine and I'm only yours, got it? I hope you did by now.”, Akutagawa felt your cunt hugging his cock deeply, letting him lose a groan.

“Fuck! 'M so fuckin' c-close, Aku!” you told him, after the last thrusts your coil in your stomach snapped.

Bliss following, as Akutagawa shot his cum right after.

He released you from Rashoumon and collapsed on the bed, panting heavily.

You did the same. Akutagawa found himself hugging you and nuzzling into your neck.

“Did i make clear that you're only mine?”, you just whispered loud enough for him to hear,

“Yes, Aku, you did. I'm gonna set some boundaries just for you, but for now i want you to rest, m'kay?”, You felt his head moving, assuming he was nodding.

After all this, he drifted into sleep.

Reading back at it i realized that I accidentally added the 10, but who cares? because it looks good lol. Hope you enjoyed it!!! :)

[kerubimcrepin]

Live-read: The Wheel of Destiny #8, Kerubim.

You can find this article on the Dofus MMO's site, by simply googling it.

A bit of context: this is an article, from the series called "Wheel of Destiny," which focuses on small character studies of various ecaflip characters from the World of Twelve. I won't be doing all of them, just the ones that interest me.

It is my decision to start with this in particular, because of the relatively small size of the article, to test out this... reading liveblogs thing. I hope it goes well, and isn't too boring.

I hate Eca so much it's unreal, just so you know.

To make it more obvious which parts are me, and which parts are the article, while you're skimming the post, I turned on my computer's night mode for making screenshots.

...My sincerest apologies to tumblr's dark mode users, though. I'm sure this is a nightmare for you.

And this is what I was talking about in the previous posts, where I said that, canonically, Kerubim's friendship with Bashi started before the Quest of Two Mornings in Episode 3, Strich Hunt.

Very sad to disappoint, but there does not actually seem to be a Croc Ness monster in the Dofus MMO.

Yet another confirmation of the temple being situated in Amakna. (Besides my own geographical estimations while watching the show, and it literally being there in the Dofus MMO.)

It's a long ass way between the temple, and the swamp, but it is realistically doable for two kids, especially if they have a carriage. (Which Kerubim, being the guy responsible for feeding Ecaflip, does have access too.)

"Five-Cat Monte" is a reference to "Three-Card Monte" which is a real thing.

Glad to know Bashi is also very normal and sane as a kid. Also, very glad that older kids, who give lessons, react to things like this by essentially going "Sure, go die I guess."

God, they are so fucking stupid. Anyway, they are talking about some real landmarks here, all of which are also around Amakna, and seem to be pretty accurate to the in-game geography.

...It feels nice to be right.

...I suppose that, despite its faults, the orphan temple actually gives a shit about its disciples not dying. Color me surprised? Eh, I'm mostly joking. It would be very weird if they didn't.

I will spoil things ahead for you: Ecaflip used magic to make Kerubim look like Atcham.

Bashi's reaction to Atcham being "AAAAH NOT THAT FUCKING CREEPY KID AGAIN 😨". The way he pretty much says, "a ghost?? NO. SOMETHING SCARIER. YOUR WEIRD FUCKING BROTHER."

It all implies., So much. It implies so much. I'm still not over it.

Pictured: my vision of how Bashi reacted to Atcham, when Kerubim (against his will, unwillingly, and deeply embarrassed) was forced to introduce them to one another.

I like to think that before they began to hate one another, Kerubim's relationship with Atcham was similar to what he had with Patafiks. Except instead of copying him, Atcham would, idk. Threaten to kill himself if he got any friend other than him? Threaten to kill his friends?

Something insane and jealousy-based like that.

I may be that guy who's very critical of Kerubim, and constantly going "Atcham's sad implied backstory this, Atcham's sad implied backstory that," but you don't get reactions like that by simply being extremely bullied.

You get reactions like that by being That Heavily Bullied Kid With 20 Mental Illnesses Who Attacks People With Sharp Objects.

Pictured: my rough theory of whatever the fuck happened between Kerubim and Atcham in the orphanage.

It is a funny image... that quickly wraps around back to being sad, once you think about little orphan Atcham, who people fucking hate for being a bingus, who has nobody except for his equally-orphaned brother (who doesn't look weird, can actually make friends, and leave him alone, if he wants to. Which he does.) and how at such a young age he got desperate enough to resort to what seems to be violence to protect himself.

Which got him absolutely no help. And also made people look down on him even further.

I think the funniest part of it all is that Atcham as an adult has:

1. The knowledge that hating Kerubim is literally not productive and a weird fucking coping mechanism.

Yet he keeps doing that.

2. A sort of moral compass that's all about protecting and respecting those in the same shit situation as him. (Even if they insult him. He hates that, but he's mature enough to uh.... just shave people against their will about it.)

While Kerubim is like. Still struggling with even saying that he doesn't even hate his brother. Somehow, he's the more emotionally constipated one.

So normal of them.

Anyway,

I think here we can see a bit of the internal growth Kerubim has had, from the time when he was a child, to adulthood.

Joris cannot picture Kerubim being ashamed, or disgusted, by Atcham, despite this article showing him doing exactly that.

It is the reason why I think one of the factors that contributed to Kerubim adopting, and keeping, Joris, was his guilt over whatever Atcham went through, despite how much he likes to say that he doesn't like Atcham.

Joris is different from other kids: small, weird, probably bald. And in any other situation, it's likely he'd develop a complex about it, except his dialogue in the movie specifically implies that Kerubim has put in conscious parenting effort into preventing exactly that.

While it's obvious that Kerubim loves Joris, there are many flaws in his parenting. So him putting a petabyte worth of effort and research into one single aspect of it is... very telling.

Now for a bit of a reach/headcanon: Who's to say that the reason Joris doesn't have many friends, is not Kerubim trying to isolate him from any potential source of shame or trauma? This part, as I've said, is purely speculation/headcanon — but it is an interesting thought.

And Atcham, who was there, and experienced shit like this from Kerubim, is still swayed by Joris's words.

What I think happened between them is that Kerubim, who yearns for societal approval, is afraid of being like Atcham, who is often ostracized and disliked by people for his looks. Besides this, I think Atcham, who was Going Through Horrors, was clingy.

For these reasons, he pushed Atcham away, and it is this betrayal, coupled with Kerubim's advantages in the form of not looking weird and being Ecaflip's favorite, that made Atcham fucking detest him.

What it all means is that Joris isn't necessarily wrong: Kerubim wouldn't hurt Atcham (at least, not unless it's self defense), and what he did was just... trying to save his own skin as kid.

Which isn't exactly malicious.

And I guess Atcham agrees with Joris on Kerubim's incapability of doing harm to him on purpose. Otherwise, he would never be convinced to change his mind.

There is probably a reason for why Kerubim would rather live in a forest, than go back to the temple looking like Atcham. And as I've said, I don't think it's a happy one.

Now think about Atcham doing this his whole life and get sad. Like I just did.

I think that, of all the things, it's most disgusting that whatever happened to Kerubim and Atcham was happening under the watch of Ecaflip, and perhaps even because of him.

I wouldn't put it past him to orchestrate their hatred for each other for fun. Or because he wanted Kerubim all alone, to himself.

I also find it interesting, the way Ecaflip says "once more" here. Implies that it used to be a normal thing for him. I suppose my guesses of Kerubim being disliked by other kids due to Atcham may have some merit.

And god, it makes me so, so sad.

He cares enough to intervene when Kerubim is about to die, which goes against his own rules, but not when it's about his kids' life being fucking awful.

...Maybe Oropo was right.

Do we know if Ecaflip's emotions are even genuine? He is the narrator of this story, after all, and he could be lying. He puts Kerubim in danger many times. Many. Just for fun and his own amusement.

I will take Ecaflip's narration as a straight-forward one, — that he really is feeling these things, but it still reads as manipulation, even if he is doing it for "Kerubim's sake". He's not a good father and never will be one, and these are very cruel lessons.

I will be real, their relationship disgusts me to my heart <3 Amen.

And now we know why Kerubim is... like that. And why his parenting is so overbearingly sweet, controlling, and obsessed with making sure Joris knows he adores him and adores him back.

Perhaps, despite everything, Atcham was the luckier one for not having Ecaflip's "love" the way Kerubim did, but honestly, I feel both of them had it equally shitty.

A true "would you rather sit on an anthill or sit on a cactus" choice.

[5and3nevermind]

Idk how to explain one moment. Bts had an interview after Black Swan mv came out (Jimin was in purple sweater, all of them had smth purple on them). And during this interview Suga stroked his back and Jimin looked… nervous? He looked at the camera as if saying Suga “stop it, not now”.

If you remember this moment and you have some thoughts on it, pls share, what could it mean?

I think you’re referring to the MOTS 7 comeback special. (I’ve answered an ask about it before here, but it’s been awhile! You can take a look at that to get the context of the back rub moment.)

Yes, Yoongi rubs Jimin’s back in his usual reassuring way, but this time Jimin turns toward him and says quietly, “hajima (stop).”

Long story short, earlier in the special Yoongi brought up Jimin’s visit to the Shadow set and said he appreciated it. Jimin interrupted to say that he felt Yoongi hadn’t greeted him very warmly, and they went back and forth about it for a minute.

So, I think Jimin was still a little bothered about how the Shadow visit had gone. Did Jimin tell Yoongi “no thanks” to the back rub because he’d been reminded earlier of the Shadow incident and was upset? Or was he just aware of the cameras and wanted Yoongi to stop? It’s hard to say. But I can’t help but wonder if these things are connected.

Anyway, this moment has a lot of context. You can see the Shadow visit here*, the MOTS 7 comeback discussion of it here (after the little Weverse intro, this link should take you to 23:40), and the back rub moment here (1:05:30).

All pairs/couples/whatever-you-believe-they-are-to-each-others have rough days. This whole thing was very…convincing... to me. Everything that happened in the comeback special—from Yoongi going out of his way to discuss Jimin’s visit, to Jimin not wanting Yoongi to rub his back, to Jimin squeezing past Joon and linking arms with Yoongi at the very end—seems like unusual behavior for typical pals.

Hope this answers your question! Like I said, there is a lot of context to this moment that I think is important. And I have plenty of thoughts on the Shadow visit but that seems like a subject for another post!

*the Shadow visit is from Memories 2020, but I just linked to a short clip from twitter

[revvethasmythh]

(You can delete this if you want. I’m just genuinely curious.)

I don’t know if you’ve seen some of the posts but, I’m wondering if you have an opinion on some saying Essek’s appearance is over shadowing fcg’s death? And I’ve seen complaints about matt interrupting the party talking and not giving them time to slow down and process their death. I personally think we might see more of the party talking about fcg when we get to Aeor. Maybe they will find out more details of fcg’s past (if matt wants them to). Idk.

Hey, anon! I have seen some of those posts (though, to be honest, I decided to do myself a kindness this week and protect my peace from most discourse because I was having so much fun, I wasn't in the mood to ruin it). I do actually have a lot of thoughts about this, but they're not very easy to articulate. That said, my opinion here is that if anything interrupted the processing of FCG's death or overshadowed it in the immediate aftermath, it was probably the Crown Keepers cut away, which, while I understand narratively what the purpose of it was and why it happened when it did. wow. deeply unfortunate timing.

And I think the thing about this campaign that has become clear is that time is of the essence. That's an inherent aspect of being in a possibly world-ending war with a rapidly approaching deadline to save everything. I think it would be difficult in any context for them to slow down given the nature of the campaign. I also think processing the death of a loved one is not something that could ever be done in one or two slower-paced episodes--I imagine it will take time for it all to hit, and the party will be dealing with the emotional repercussion of FCG's sacrifice for the rest of the campaign in different and varied ways. And I think the way the cast is handling it right now is very well done, especially Taliesin's reactions as Ashton, and also Laudna, asking about Imahara Joe and letting Ashton decide if Keyleth should tell him or if they'd wait to do it themselves. Fearne telling Ash how sorry she is, and then comforting each other that night. Zathuda's interruption of that is actually something I give a lot of leeway to because a) it was fun, and b) I think it needed to happen then specifically to try and push Fearne to the absolute edge (and to impart some rather important plot details about Zathuda wanting Fearne to be the Vessel).

Essek being in the story right now makes sense considering what they're doing and it's a fun thing for the cast. They're reaping the rewards of everything they did for him in C2! But he's also just propelling a plot that would be propelled anyway even if he specifically wasn't there--it's just extra fun that it's Essek. And you're right, anon, that I expect the Hells will talk about FCG a lot more in Aeor and we'll see more discussion about losing them. But yeah, ultimately, no, I don't think Essek is overshadowing FCG's death or anything. Time is of the essence, the Hells can't afford to slow down, but also if they're roughing it up in Aeor we might get a lot more opportunities for the watch conversations and travel conversations that we've been missing for a while. So, in a way, Essek being there and guiding them to Aeor might actually give them more time to discuss all thing in the long-run.

[stabknives]

The V/B half of this ask!

I hear all of you asking me: what is V/B. Who is V/B. Can you please shut up about V/B it's very annoying how you keep talking about them like we should know what those letters even mean.

Well, I'm here to tell you, they're my little guys. And one of them is a girl that's not a girl. And the other one is an evil indie film director. Yayyyyyy.

TW for stalking, threats, noncon, violence, psychological torture, and more!

1. Starting simple, how did they first meet?

Hooboy! What a doozy. Need to give some context first. It's important to know they have several 'first meetings', thanks to the way V steals faces...

Anyway. B has always had an intense and wide eyed love for Hollywood. He's been a cinephile for as long as he's been alive, and would watch old vcr tapes until they broke in his family's garage on a beat up old box tv.

Movies were kind of his escape from a rough home life. He was the youngest of nine kids in an evangelical household, and his parents were… not very nice people! So he dreamed of one day escaping the farm and leaving for the big city.

So he leaves the very day he turns 18, hoping to make it big someday. Part of him desperately wants to be an actor, but he doesn't think he's cut out for all that attention. Instead, he'll settle for being a costume designer. He's great at sewing, and as long as he's involved in film, he knows he'll be happy.

He knows it.

B passes V on the street one night after coming out of another interview for an internship he definitely won't get, downtrodden and teary eyed after just. Utterly embarrassing himself throughout the whole interview. No, he doesn't have any references or credentials. But he's willing to work, and he's good with clothing and makeup, honest! Please don't send him away again- you'll call him back? You really swear you'll call him back…?

He leaves. And he knows they're not gonna call him back.

It's pretty important to me that B wasn't doing anything special or wrong to have what happens to him next happen. Sometimes violence just finds you. And follows you. Regardless if you deserve it or not.

B collapses under a streetlight crying really hard. He's embarrassed but there's nobody around, and he's been in the city for months now and he's still working at a dirty video rental store, no closer to his goal of working in showbusiness. He doesn't have any friends in the city, he's lonely, and he kind of wants to give up.

He's mid sobbing session when someone taps him on the shoulder. It's some guy with a handkerchief smiling down at him. Very friendly. And handsome. The guy sits with him for a while. Tells him not to give up on his dreams once B volunteers his whole life store like a. Naive Simpleton. To this perfect stranger.

This guy is really funny. Charming. He's a good listener, and he's got kind of an offbeat sense of humor that shocks a few giggles from B. B really hopes they can be friends, but the guy leaves before he can give B a name. (But he said they'd see each other again 😬 and they will.)

This guy is V. And he takes a shine to this. Crying farm boy he saw on a street corner. V loves the way B looks crying! Very photogenic. A face made for filming. But V has all the time in the world, and he likes to savor his meals. The thrill of the hunt and all! Yuck. So for nearly three years, V plays. Tag. With B. Idk what else to call it.

He leaves things at B's door. Gore in brown bags with a smiley face drawn on the stinking wet paper. Deranged letters shoved in his mailbox talking about how B is going to end up raped and choked and dead in a ditch near his house, so his siblings find him covered in blood and bodily fluid. A bouquet of flowers from a secret admirer, and if B reaches in to pull out the note B gets cut up by a bundle of razorblades hidden in-between the dethorned rose stems (how ironic! I'm sure V was laughing it up at that one. 🙄 You're so clever.)

And all the while, V and B are having other first meetings. Each time, with V wearing a different face. The face of a friend. A shoulder to cry on. The face of a stranger. Someone following him home, too close for comfort, enough to have B hyperventilating by the time he stumbles into his rundown apartment and slams the door shut, looking through the peephole to see someone's eye staring right back at him.

B is coming unglued. But he's still pretty when he cries, and they're about to have their last 'first' meeting.

He goes to the bar with a friend, someone he's known a long time. They're visiting the big city from out of town, and they wanna treat B to a few drinks. B is excited. It's been ages since he hung out with J, and he kind of has a major crush on the guy. J is a laid back guy, super relaxed, and he's exactly as B remembers him.

B's phone dings again. He's gotten these mysterious texts for years now, and if he ignores them, bad shit always happens. (Someone breaks into his apartment and soaks his sheets in fluids. Audience gets to pick the fluid. You're welcome. Things go missing, or. Sometimes a single stuffed animal is left on his pillow. Just to mix things up.)

So he goes into the bathroom, and asks for the hundredth, thousandth time, Why Are You Doing This To Me, and gets no response back. Which is odd. Usually they respond. They must be busy… but thn why send a text in the first place? Hmm.

B goes back to his table. J hands him back his drink, and B slams it back, before confiding in his friend about what's been going on. J comforts him, but B is suddenly slumping over. Drank too much, maybe.

B wakes up in a house he doesn't recognize, but J is there to reassure him. This is one of J's places. Having a wealthy family comes with perks. You're safe, B. And B is so glad to have such a good friend. Someone who takes care of him.

He can't help himself. He confesses, and J is flattered. Returns the feelings. They make love. How cute. Perfect end to a perfect scene.

V really enjoyed playing this part for him.

V drops the charade halfway through. B panics, because who wouldn't? Your new boyfriend just morphed into a stranger. You're getting assaulted by a monster. A doppelganger, a face stealer.

You thrash. You scream. You cry those tears V likes so much. Smile! You're on camera, btw. V finishes, choking B until he sees spots, mocking him, berating him. ("Do I look like J to you now? No, of course not. Oh well. Got anybody else you want me to be? Got a mother? A brother? A highschool bully? Or do you want a round with yourself? Aww. You look faint!") V does this for a living. He's a movie maker, and B is his new star.

So. Nice to meet you. Again.

[fatestayyuri]

FINALLY FINISHED WARD ARC 1

thoughts under the readmore

You can say a lot about wildbow but you can't say he isn't making Choices. Actually i can say that i'm pretty sure most of this is the grim cowardice of not actually examining his biases and just writing "what comes naturally" to a liberal poisoned by toxic yuri discourse.

God, where do i even begin? how about the thing that first stuck out to me, and also the 6 other people i for some reason ushered into this Stupid Fucking Journey: the prose. the prose is bad. it's really, really bad. it stretches longer than it should and lacks the earnest charm of like. all of the VN authors i read almost entirely because it drips with flecks of irony-poisoned Marvel Ooze.The mean thing to say is that he definitely writes like he writes WAY more than he reads; the more cynical analysis i've gotten from his other work is that he's gotten into a very comfortable rut. words and descriptions drag, there's a general roughness of typos pointed out in comments untouched, and on the whole it reeks (and requires me to put on the prerequisite filters) of sloppy translation.

But that's just one facet of the writing; I am a big proponent of roughness adding to the emotional resonance of the work. I uh. The actual happenings are... certainly something, alright. It's impossible for me i think to read this outside of the context of wildbow's Amy Dallon Brain Poisoning, where the recent interviews colour my perception of his work (insisting Victoria is not a cop) for the worse. I am also unlike Wildbow Not A Liberal? so the whole spiel about Justice and Punitive Measures flies over my head. It's a bit weird since I do think the specific unreliable narrator of Victoria is a fascinating mindset to read through, and her trauma relating to her sister is rather elegantly depicted at times.

The problem is that these depictions are in fact, ruined, by my knowledge of this work as Wildbow's Hit Piece on a 17 year old lesbian. Like, i cannot stress enough how much it all falls flat considering this is Victoria's Cop Pain shown to show us that actually Amy Dallon is irredeemable. maybe if i had read worm first? idk that might make me less sympathetic to this

Oh, right! the racism! one of the ways victoria's cop brain manifests is in weird word choices like "urban" and "troublemakers" / "mischief" but like. i'm not actually sure wildbow is aware of the character he is writing, or the territory he is in? the general feel of this is one where If this was done with intentionality and a materialistic analysis of the world it could be really good! unfortunately it's written by a liberal so like. it's not.

^ why. why. why. why.

i think the way that our book club is going (where everyone reads exactly (1) of wildbow's novel) is showing me the true breadth of wildbow's uh. Beliefset? worldview? worrying tendency for race science? anyways.

I feel like there's a skeleton for a really compelling story here. I genuinely like some of the depictions of trauma, the way that parental dynamics chafe, of being treated as a burden as a patient, of being laden with a really fucked up punitive mindset. I just wish like, it wasn't these characters, and it wasn't this writer.

[sometimesiammybpd]

quick mention: i have already written one post somewhat on being aromantic. i honestly forgot about this, but here's that if you wanna read. this will cross over on certain things i've mentioned there and other posts because of the more general topic. don't mean to repeat myself, but this is all still so new to me and i want to understand it better and this helps /gen.

this post is gonna be both about what it's like to have hypersexuality, but also what it's like for me as someone who is aromantic because to me they go hand in hand. not great at intros lmao.

anyways hi. not really in the bestest of moods while writing this, so i apologize if it comes off a bit brash or something. idk. it's 5 (almost 6) am for me when writing so like. that's probably why. probably. i wanna talk about being aromantic first because that's the more complicated one for me personally and it's the one that honestly still bothers me. i didn't realize i was aromantic until this year. more specifically, a few months ago. for, i think 3 years now, i'd assumed i was demiromantic because i thought i was still having crushes on people. real "i could imagine my entire life with you" crushes, which i wasn't. that i'll go into obviously. but as i've spent time looking back on things because of all that just falls into place for me with the aro label, i realize it wasn't there from the start. don't get me wrong though. crushes were not common for me as a kid.

i really do think i was demiromantic until about a year ago. because when i was younger, i didn't feel anything towards anyone. i didn't even think i had a sexuality because i didn't like girls or boys. there's stuff i won't get into right now, but by late elementary - early middle, i was getting bullied heavily and they were starting to get so fixated on who likes who and all that bullshit. which did come back to me because at certain points, they would walk to me and ask who i liked. if i didn't have an answer, they'd bully me more. so i started to keep a mental list of sorts. it's creepy to say honestly, even with context, but this is what worked because it was either this or just have everything get worse. it wasn't anything bad, i would just choose a girl and she'd be my "crush" should they ask. each year would be a different girl and it was just to not have things get worse (they eventually did anyways). but by like 7th grade, i thought it was just normal. i mean. kinda. i wanted to believe it was, but this was also when i started to spiral for the first time and so i was already deep into self-hatred, self-destructive tendencies, shit like that. so not only could it NOT be normal according to my mind but if i wasn't the person i was, maybe it'd be different. shit like that.

8th grade was the first time i ever did feel a crush on someone. and i knew it was actually a crush and not some confused emotion. it was towards my closest friend at the time and lasted years. i think when i first started to bring this (the realization of being aro) up to my friends, i stuck this under the "hyperfixation" category, which it was. but it was also a real crush. and honestly, it was the first time i ever felt normal. because normal people get crushes and want to date. that's what i was always told and that's what i thought needed to happen. and it led me to pursue her for longer than i ever should have. she couldn't date because of her parents but there's no way in hell i would have been a good partner at the time anyways. regardless, i pursued it through sophomore year of high school. the history between me and her is too rough to talk about outside of that, but yeah. and i think i know why. i mention wanting to feel normal a lot. at the time i really did. because to me, i didn't know myself. i grew up heavily conservative and christian (although the christianity part never stuck) and it really did form a mental relationship between feeling the way i did and stuff like being gay or bi that was so unhealthy. as i went through high school, the friends i met pushed me further left which did help when it came to this. because i remember watching love, simon at 15 (i liked the movie so shut it /hj) and watching him fall in love at the end, i cried. because i wanted that. but honestly i don't know if i did at the same time.

it all felt so unreasonably scary and outside of the unnamed friend, i never felt anything towards anyone like that. at least until jake entered the picture (fake name, separate post coming later). for the quickest context, he was 19 when i met him and by this point around 20-21. i fell in love with him. i don't even know why but i really did. multiple times. it was the first time i couldn't get rid of a crush, which was a new and very NOT fun experience. and when we finally did date, it was three days of him refusing to talk to me and then breaking up with me and blaming me. it was not fun. i think this was the first time that something romantic fucked me up because i didn't really trust anyone after this until i met nathan. and if you read the post about him, you know how that went. point being, that fucked me up more. and then i had another friend after nathan and before the one i met through bumble that also fucked me up more. and that's kinda what got me to want to write this post in the first place outside of the hypersexuaity part (comes later). i know i said in the last post how unsure i felt about relationships. and i won't say that's not untrue, but i have my answer.

i don't think i want to be in a relationship. i like being alone. i like being by myself and doing what i want. i care about everyone so much, but that feeling people say you get when you wanna do anything for your partner . . . i just don't get. i didn't really get it with nathan even though we were together for long enough and i did feel something towards him. but i never got that feeling. i did a lot for him and it was mainly because i natually have a similar instinct to help anyone because it's just who i am. but like i like my routine and for some reason, it actually makes me upset at times to imagine changing it for a relationship. i don't even know why but i'm kinda just accepting it. i'm not the most likable person and i know that also affects my "chances," as it usually gets labeled. i still have a lot of bad habits and toxic behaviors that i'm working to change but i know it turns a lot of people off of me than i'd want.

but i don't care, tbh in the romantic sense. it's so weird to try to explain to people that i don't feel things like that. i came to a realization a couple months back when i figured out the hyperfixations getting confused for a crush shit. it made so much sense to me when i learned the possibility of that with people with adhd and shit. and it just blew my mind.

until one of my closest friends at the time labeled it as weird and said i'm not normal for feeling like that. that got to me. i didn't expect someone that close to me to respond like that. at that point i hadn't even figured out the aromantic label yet and moreso if it was fitting for me. but that made me almost not want to. because i felt like i wasn't normal enough to deserve to get the answer. it really really hurt coming from them which only made it worse. but i eventually pushed through by myself and came to aromantic. it took me a long time to actually confidently say it because i kept thinking i was demi. i kept mixing hyperfixations up left and right (that didn't even last long enough to really count) and it kept making me wonder if maybe i still could feel that way. honestly, i don't discount it permanently. no one knows what the future holds.

anyways, yeah.

the only reason i'm so concerned about labels isn't because i have something to prove or whatever. it just. i have felt hopeless my entire life because everything others felt or did, i was the opposite. and most of it being not on purpose too made it infinitely worse mentally. it dragged me down because i thought i'd never get answers. and honestly, i wonder sometimes what my child self would think now about me. i really wonder. to be fair, they'd probably ask why i'm even still alive but yknow.

the point why i'm writing a second post on being / feeling aromantic isn't to retell what i already had written. i completely forgot i wrote that original post until half-way through writing this AND i only found it by complete accident lmao. EITHER WAY. what i really wanted to write about was the way my brain mixes up hyperfixations as crushes and what that feels like to me. because all of what i wrote prior to this was supposed to be context but i'm a yapper. to me, it doesn't feel like a hyperfixation until it's over. and i'll be real and say that i don't honestly even know what a real crush is supposed to feel like. when i started to like nathan, i only noticed because of things like how he was the only person i was talking to. or how my mood was starting to be affected by how he was doing. or how i really did want to spend every second of my life with him (which was a rare thought but it was there for a moment). stuff like that. and even now i'm not sure if it was a crush or just a really long hyperfixation. because to me, hyperfixations are things i want to spend every moment on. things i can't stop thinking about. sometimes they do affect my mood in ways that are hard to explain. i mean, this entire thing is hard as fuck to explain but yknow. and what made it more complicated was a lot of the "hyperfixation-crushes", or whatever the hell you wanna call them, started going away insanely fast. right before i realized i was most likely aromantic, i thought i had a crush on three different people. all three started and ended within 6 hours and it wasn't like how i felt with nathan. it felt like something was there, but it was almost unreachable. and the more i tried, the more it went away until suddenly it felt like i snapped out of something and woke up. and it was gone. like i know that sounds dramatic as hell, but that's how it felt. that's genuinely how it felt / feels for me.

and i remember trying to explain this to my friends . . . and they dismissed it and called me weird. which hurt. it wasn't like a big insult but this was me trying to figure myself out. and the friends whom said they would be supportive as they were queer themselves dismissed me and said that it wasn't real. i still don't understand myself. i still don't understand what got me here or where i fall on the spectrum where labels do and don't matter (they matter right now for me because i've had no answers for so fucking long). i still don't understand most of me and everything and. i don't know.

it's hard to talk about. it's hard to be honest and open because it makes me feel like. i'll never be accepted. which is unfortunately how i've felt my entire life growing up how i did but that's for another post. either way.

this is honestly a topic i don't see a proper way to transition into, but i wanna talk about having hypersexuality as someone with bpd who is also aro. because let me just say that it's hell. i mean, i doubt it has anything with my capability to form or not form romantic thoughts and feelings but. anyways. i haven't had a proper off-period in almost six months and it's killing me. for folks who don't know, depending on the person will depend on the specifics of their hypersexuality (if they have it because i believe while it's common with folks who have bpd, it's not guaranteed). the most common ways it presents though are periods where sex is the only thing they can think about and usually will lead one to do anything they can to get sex, even if it means putting themselves in harms way. the other way it presents is of utter disgust towards anything sexual to a point where they usually don't even feel the need to masturbate because it's just. too much. i have been fucking stuck in the first way for almost half a god damn year. and it's so so so painful.

because a lot of days for me, i wake up and just feel horny. and so i do what i need to do and it's not enough. and i ironically don't get good enough luck on any hookup apps to actually "put myself in harms way" as i put it (or effectively ignoring any warning signs because sex). so i end up averaging out at five or six times (masturbation) because i got no responses and nothing else is working. and it's a living hell because when it kicks in, it kicks in. and there's nothing i do besides have sex or something to get it to stop. like it doesn't matter what i was doing. my brain just shuts off. i literally get a feeling of like being so uncomfortable because all i want to do is have sex. i don't remember when or if i last had an off period. because i think back to a moment when i was eighteen. i mentioned it slightly in my introduction post, but when i was eighteen i signed up for grindr. at this point, i was already relieving myself 2-3 times a day minimum and some going up to 4-5. and when i got on grindr, i was actually looking for a long-term relationship. i don't remember that lasting long before i realized i could use it for hookups and eventually dropped my walls and said fuck it. and this is where i need to mention two things. the main event and the way i approach(ed) hookup apps.

the way i approach(ed) hookup apps once i dropped the "i want a relationship" thing was that i had / still kinda have no regard for safety. all i wanted to know was that they weren't like 55, had a decent member, and if they'd be down to fuck. i ask now, but at the time i didn't even ask for stds or anything of the sort. when i get on a hookup app, i lose a complete sense of time. not because i want to, but because i become so horny all i can fuckin think about is finding someone. anyone. there's been times where my body starts shaking because of it. it's awful. but yeah, i had no sense of making sure it was safe for me to do. which also pissed everyone off because i was also so forward with what i wanted that i was impatient and desperate and all that. i'm not proud of it, but half the time it feels like i literally cannot help it. it's something else that's so difficult to explain (or unfortunately get some to believe). but that leads into the main event.

the "main event" was the moment that this all came crashing down on me. i found a guy on grindr who said he'd be willing to let me top and he'd give me head and all the lot. i was down and we exchanged pictures and he told me where he was located. the one stipulation he had was that i needed to pay for him to get some weed. i was desperate, so i agreed. i went to my mom, lied and said i was meeting friends from college, and then drove off to cincinnati after going to the bank to get the money. before i go any further, i am a bottom LOL. i also didn't really know my identity then and while i don't particularly hate my biological parts, i am not proud of it. this was a rare occasion. anyways. i picked up the guy and immediately, he gave me meth-head vibes which did make me a little nervous. at the same time, i completely did not care because we were gonna fuck. i gave him the money and he offered to blow me while i drove him to his dealer's. i declined because i could barely focus on driving as it was. once we got there, he got out and said he'd be a minute. i left my car running in the in-between mode where it uses your battery but no gas. a few minutes go by and he texts me saying he was making sure he was cleaned out and was sorry for it taking so long. i got like one text after this and then he disappeared entirely. i waited for hours longer than i should have because it was like 9:30 i think when i left and was 11, almost 12 am by this point. so i finally said fuck it and was gearing to leave...

until i realized my car had completely died. yeah. the in-between state didn't feel so smart now lmao. my mom was panicking because i wasn't home. i was starting to freeze because it was like 32 degrees F outside. i had this big comforter in my trunk and that did nothing! it was to a point where my body was physically shaking because it had lost that much heat. i had no heater i could run, nowhere to go. it was the scariest moment of my life. and at this point, 2 - 3 am. finally AAA comes and jumps my car and i get home at around 3 am. it took me the entire car ride with the heater blasting to even feel my hands again. not my body, just hands. it was bad. and i do admit, i wouldn't do it again. i've been a lot more careful now than before.

but it's not just hookup apps. for me, hypersexuality ruins relationships. nathan and i were never going to work out, but the second i had to start seeing him in a more sexual nature, it was done for. and i will never forgive myself for that. and it's never changed. if i had a close relationship with anyone and it became sexual, it'd be over. and this is what really makes me feel so abnormal. cause i hate it so much. i fucking hate feeling so horny that i almost mentally shut down or the willingness to almost end my life for maybe sex. or ruining relationships because no matter how hard i try, all i can think about is us fucking. it's my living hell. i genuinely feel like some days i can't even get anything done because i just can't stop feeling horny. even though i don't even have it in me physically to have sex, it won't stop or go away.

this post is way too long lmao. but yeah that's me sharing more than i ever thought i would. if this helps someone even just by putting into words maybe what you thought wasn't possible, then i'm glad /gen. i just wish it didn't make going day by day so unnecessarily difficult. like as if it wasn't hard enough

[iasmelaion]

what happens when you listen to three audiobooks in like a week and a half

We've been at trial for like the past two weeks at work, which means I have been alone in the office, with approximately 2 hours worth of work to do every day max, mostly just there to answer frantic emails and texts about "what exhibit number is [vague and potentially inaccurate description of email or other document]?" and occasionally file supplemental trial briefs. Anyway, it's all up to the jury now! Only not now now because it is a court holiday and because this case lives to torment me and never ever ever finish ahahaha it's fine i'm fine, we better win.

Anyway, all of that is to say I was bored as hell so I decided to finally finish listening to the audiobook of Gideon the Ninth, which I had started listening to LAST FEBRUARY. You can perhaps guess that, as good as the audiobook narration was, I was not entirely feeling the book. Ahaha. Ha. I was already mentally writing my Goodreads review, complaining about how yes, the narrative voice is great, and yeah, the set up and genre mashup are fun (lesbian necromancers in space! country manor mystery! slasher horror!), but there's just not enough context and the worldbuilding is so vague and what are the overarching stakes even. And then the last 1/3 of the book happened, and I listened to all three current books in the series in like a week and a half and I have spent the last two days rotating these characters in my head and reading meta and such. Sorry in advance about how in approximately two weeks time, my queue will be full of TLT shit.

Spoilers and assorted jumbled reactions below, because I'm not about to ramble like this on goodreads. But real talk, I have skimmed so much spoilery talk/fan art/etc about these books and absolutely none of it made any sense at the time so tbh I don't think it matters all that much if you're spoiled. The spoilers won't even make any damn sense most of the time.

I wish I could give this series some kind of pitch that would, idk, explain it or make it seem enticing, but lol I have no idea where I'd even start. I'll just say that if you are in need of Enrichment in your Enclosure, these books are like being tossed a very meaty bone full of delicious marrow which you can gnaw upon for a good long while.

Gideon's narrative voice is a lot of fun, and I do quite enjoy how she's basically a big lesbian jock, even if that did make a lot of the first book rough going for me because alas, Gideon, bless her, is not interested in much beyond hot ladies, swords, staying alive, and getting off her home planet. And Harrow, of course.

HARROW. For 2/3 of the first book, Gideon hates her passionately, they've been enemies their entire lives, they are vicious and awful to each other. Now, I knew Gideon/Harrow was like THE ship for these books, and I was like "...hm. Listen, I simply do not vibe with this kind of enemyship." But then that last third happened, and auuughhhhh. They're enemies, they were all the other had, they were two rats trapped in a barrel, desperate to get out, clawing and biting and snarling and hurting each other, they were each other's only solace, they were doomed from the start. They've been trapped in a cycle of terrible violence, and I have no idea if they can ever get out. And the love Gideon wants from Harrow is to be used and consumed and destroyed by love, and the love Harrow wants to give is to save her and keep her even if it means forgetting her. Like, y'all, I ship it, but I have no idea how there's any kind of future in it.

And then Harrow the Ninth happened, and goddamn, poor fucking Harrow. I felt for her already after the revelation in Gideon the Ninth, but Harrow the Ninth made me so desperately sad for her.

Good job on the soup though, Harrow!

Also the low key comedy of all of them stuck with each other on the Mithraeum was *chef's kiss*. Just like THE most demented and toxic workplace sitcom while poor Harrow is descending into a total mental breakdown.

The worldbuilding is so fascinatingly, complicatedly BONKERS. Also it's so SPACE CATHOLICISM that I don't even know what to say about it. I'm not qualified. But like. It is. It's so Space Catholicism, but also make it More Goth. And it's clearly concerned with religion and faith and all that, but not in a Narnia kind of way, and I am FASCINATED about where it's all leading to.

What a fucking villain this series has in John Gaius aka God aka Necrolord Prime aka the Prince Undying aka the Emperor of the Nine Houses aka Jod. Just absolutely skin-crawlingly horrible, the literal Worst Person Who Ever Lived, even as he's affable and funny and occasionally endearing and pathetic. And like I'm not even sure all of that stuff is a mask or a cover for his monstrousness! Like I think he genuinely is affable and funny and endearing and pathetic! He is just also quite literally History's Greatest Monster. I'm not sure if he was always like this, though I'm leaning towards him having been an awful man before he became god, in all those quiet, too-easily unnoticed ways men are awful, the moment they have any power over someone. And then Jod gets all the power so of course his awfulness becomes correspondingly greater.

I will say though that Jod's origin story is an actual horror movie, the stuff of nightmares. It's the end of the world because climate change and he and his team are frantically working on some way to save everybody but it doesn't quite work, not well enough, and no one is listening to him, and the clock is ticking down and of course the billionaires have a way out, of course they're gonna get on some space ships and bounce, but what about everyone else? Jod is sure he can save everyone else, if only he had the resources, if only they'd listen to him. And someone was listening, it turns out. Someone--something gives him power. Terrible, terrible power over life and death. And he becomes something else and makes choice after terrible choice, enabled by his friends, and then whoops not whoops! He's killed everybody on the fucking planet and ate the sun and the whole solar system too!! Absolutely terrifying reveal, and it's built up to so well. We spend so much time listening to Jod and so much of what he says is reasonable or understandable, but every so often there's a hint that under his commendable politics and goals and general hapless nerd vibes, there's something else, something much, much worse.

Actually, this whole part would make a truly great horror movie, especially if it starts off as an almost dark comedy that shifts genres as it goes: from dark comedy to suspenseful thriller to eldritch horror.

Also he gets, like, super weird about the cadavers he's been experimenting on. Like, deeply, horrifying creepy and weird about them.

Lotta people get weird about corpses in this series, if I'm being honest.

CAMILLA AND PALAMEDES. I am UNWELL about these two. I am UNHINGED. I am still rotating them in my mind, unable to do much but WEEP. "So...do you ship them??" you might ask. To which I say idk and idc, what does to ship these two even MEAN at this point, they are platonic, they are romantic, they are eros, philia, AND agape, and they're the Love that Is Perfected in Death. The absolute fucking pinnacle of insane codependence. Childhood BFFs who crawled into each other's skins and hearts and souls and never crawled back out. How much more codependent is it possible to get? NONE. NONE MORE CODEPENDENT. They have MERGED THEIR SOULS AND BODIES TOGETHER INTO ONE BEING. [actually, real talk, i am uncertain of the Soul Situation, I am pretty sure they've merged their souls together, but like. idk. they do also say they will be known as themselves "beyond the River" after death] I am WEEPING just THINKING ABOUT IT. That is not fucking hyperbole btw, the mere thought of them basically makes me cry, it's fine, i'm fine. They love each other SO MUCH. I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

Anyway, rather difficult to "ship" a pairing that has become...one person. Like, still willing to make a game go of it even during the period where they're sharing a body, but like. Now they are one person??? Because this is not a Steven Universe-style fusion where Ruby and Sapphire can unfuse from Garnet, Camilla and Palamedes are now one person, no takebacks while they live. I do love Paul though! Fucking adore that some of Paul's first acts as a new person were acts of kindness and mercy. Jod's lyctors are called saints, but I think Paul is the only one who is a saint in truth.

So, a triumph or a tragedy or both that Camilla and Palamedes died to become Paul? Idk! I adored Camilla and Palamedes as individual characters, I adored how in many ways they're the certain, just moral center of this entire series, I love their intelligence and ferocity, and oh, after Nona the Ninth, I loved so much how they loved. Each other, and other people. I loved Camilla using truths like her swords, her dry humor, how she was still so kind even while being an absolute stone cold fucking badass. I loved Palamedes, his brilliance and how he bent basically all that brilliance into helping people. I loved so fucking much that he was the one who figured out that there was a better way to achieve lyctorhood than the way Jod and his lyctors set out for them. I loved that stuck in a bubble in the underworld, with nothing but a terrible erotic novel, he started having serious opinions about said erotic novel and undoubtedly wrote terrible fanfiction in his head about it.

Ahem. Anyway. Abigail Pent and Magnus Quinn were also delightful, and I was especially charmed by the lovely Welsh accents Moira Quirk gives them in the audiobook. Love that Abigail has immensely powerful, friendly mom friend energy while simultaneously being an immensely powerful Eldritch Speaker for the Dead. Gideon observing her all like "ah, her eye contact is...extremely very unsettlingly intense! but also she is wearing an apron and is cheerful so that's alright then."

God, this is really long, sorry to anyone who actually read it, possibly i will reblog with more disjointed thoughts.

[hoardlikegoldenirises]

I don't typically lurk around here and I don't like being unable to ask as an anon but your wedding thingy with trans!Flash made me happy because I saw it as one of those things where people remarry despite already married (idk what it's called, I'm a child of divorce just like patrick bateman) and that PeterFlash did it maybe because Flash had gotten more comfortable.

oh whoops i think i disabled anonymous asks a while ago but i don't remember why... i'll turn that back on lol

I'm glad you like it! I liked drawing it!

I assume you're talking about vow renewal, which is definitely a cute idea! Flash is definitely more comfortable with herself when they get married, and Peter's support and love is a big part of that, so that's true, but it's not a vow renewal in this case—they're like 26 ish when they get married, after several years of dating and, occasionally, drama lol

I know most people other than like... kita... don't necessarily have all the context for this so I'm going to post a summarized timeline of what happens between Peter and Flash first starting to date and them getting married and how Flash's transition goes during that:

A rough idea of the timeline is that at age 19 (in 2006-2007), Peter and Flash date for a couple of months then break up when Flash first starts to realize some gender things and doesn't handle it well and Flash goes even further back in the closet for a while after that out of fear/shame/etc.

Peter and Flash start to sort of date again by being friends with benefits in 2008, a year later, but Flash is still in a lot of denial at this point and it's still a casual relationship for a bit.

It's also around this time that Flash meets Andi, who is like 10 years old in 2008, and who I decided to make also trans. Andi is very bold and ready to go, which over the following few years is part of how Flash learns some self-acceptance and how Peter gets some more tact lmao

Peter and Flash get back together more officially around age 20-21 (in 2009), and date seriously for several years while Flash begins to come back out of the closet a little. Peter starts thinking about proposing as early as 2011, while he's working on his Master's degree, on account of the whole "gay marriage legalized in NY" thing, but he keeps talking himself out of it for a variety of reasons including Flash's upbringing. He's neurotic!

Anyway in 2012 some things happen (involving the Jackal) that leave Peter in a really bad place mental health-wise, so any plans he may have been formulating get postponed yet again while he recovers, but in late 2013, Peter finally proposes to Flash. Literally a "YOLO" kind of moment.

Throughout all of this Flash has been able to gradually come to terms with things and you can see that in the hair timeline in the way Flash's hair grows out again—(though some minor details about this are off since it's not 100% up to date)

By the time Peter proposes in the fall of 2013 Flash is already most of the way there and the proposal/engagement functions as a catalyst for Flash to commit to who she is, so Peter makes her a wedding dress and she starts coming out to friends and some family in the months leading up to the wedding, which happens in spring 2014.

eventually she'll go on HRT as well but not right away.

and that is the context of Flash's gender and the wedding lol

[taylortruther]

I am seeing so many people reanalyze their takes on Midnights now and I personally can't figure how I feel about it.

I really don't think Midnight Rain is about him, even though I've seen people claim it. I am also really sure that Bejewelled isn't about him either, even though I feel more ouch when I listen to it now. I don't think that he would be shading him in an album with Sweet Nothing in it, but now I can't stop thinking about "they said the end it's coming"???? That is the one lyric that made me stop on my tracks when I rethought about all of this.

The bridge of Dear Reader has been discussed before and I was 100% sure that it wasn't present, but. Uh. I wouldn't bet on it anymore. Lavender Haze does sound more sus to me now, I think there's something to be said about how Taylor navigates her ideas on marriage on this album. "You don't really read into my meloncholia" never sounded that romantic to me. "I've been under scrutiny, you handle it beautiful" hurts now. And Hits Different feels more recent now after the "their friends said that they went through rough patches before" thing. Like I feel like maybe they had breaks before. Idk.

Anyway. What I am saying is, I don't think that this was a pre breakup album as some people are saying. But idk, a lot of times in long term relationships, the break comes because something has been brewing for a while. And it's interesting to go back to her most recent work after getting new context. Thoughts?

i don't think midnight rain or bejeweled are about him. is it possible that she was revisiting some of these feelings - regret about certain choices, feeling distant from her past partner(s) - because of what was happening in her present? yes, of course, because that's just how music and art and self-reflection works sometimes.

however, i will say that i think taylor has been honest about this relationship having rough patches. afterglow, daylight, cornelia street, hits different, hoax, peace, lavender haze, new year's day, the great war, and renegade tell a story about a complex relationship (all relationships are complex) that had its ups and downs beyond the early stages. she never acted like they were perfect--in fact, she said there was compromise and fear and loneliness and depression and fights. that's what a relationship is at times.

so sure, they definitely could have had breaks. or it could've just been normal couple stuff that chipped away at the ties that bound them over time. either would be believable imo.

[rosenallies]

so specific but I was wondering if you’d write an angsty phone sex AU smut prompt where Denali’s in a bad headspace and asks to be degraded and after a minute rosie safewords for her and it just upsets her? yeah <3

no joke this prompt is from literally October and idk of the person who requested this even follows me anymore but I have a migraine wanted to write some phone sex au that wasn’t smutty so I went searching thru my 272636273 unanswered asks in my inbox and found this 😭 I remember the asks prior to this so just for context sometimes when nali is sad she wants mommy to be rough on her but Rosie doesn’t like that shsbs anYway also I scrolled through my whole inbox and found some good prompts that are rlly old that I may do so don’t be surprised if there’s random prompts from like a year ago or more being written😭😭

——

Rosé circled Denali knelt on the floor, her best stern look painted on her face, though her head wasn’t into it. When Denali had gotten home from the rink earlier, she wasn’t herself and had practically thrown herself onto Rosé, purring into her ear that she’d been naughty and needed to be put into her place.

Rosé had played into it at first, grabbing her by her hair and kissing her roughly.

It wasn’t until they were getting ready to take things further that Rosé noticed something wasn’t right. Denali stared at herself a little too long in the mirror, that grimace on her face as she raked her eyes over her reflection that told Rosé she was having a low self esteem day. Those days were more rare now, but every now and again they would appear again. Rosé had figured maybe she needed something to take her mind off of the bad thoughts so she let it happen until Denali looked up at her from the floor, begging mommy to please degrade her.

Rosé opened her mouth to speak, but she couldn’t bring herself to follow through.

She sighed, “red, baby, I can’t do this.”

Denali frowned, looking like she was about to cry. “Momma-?”

She helped Denali up and led her to the bed, sitting down beside her. “I don’t want to be rough with you when you’re not having a good day."

Embarrassment curled in Denali’s belly. “I’m sorry,” she whimpered, “I-I thought it would help.”

Rosé shifted closer to her, pulling her against her side. “I wanna make you feel good when you’re not feeling your best, baby. I want to be kind and loving to you.”

“But it does feel good!” She cried out, “I promise!”

Shaking her head, Rosé tutted softly. “I don’t know, you’ve never asked to be degraded when you’re not feeling your absolute best, honey. I know sometimes you like it, but can you be honest with mommy and tell me what’s really on your mind.”

Denali wiped her eyes, sniffling softly. “I-I deserve it. I feel so gross

Rosé felt her stomach ache, wondering if she ever really enjoyed those things. All the times they’d been deep in a scene and Rosé called her names, did she really enjoy it? Or did she just use it to fuel her insecurities?

"No, darling," Rosé cooed, cupping her baby's pretty face in her hand, "You didn't do anything to upset mommy. At first I thought maybe you just needed some release, but now I see that's not true."

Reverting her gaze to the floor, Denali picked at the skin around her fingernails for a moment until Rosé noticed and took her hands. “I’m sorry,” she said, lip wobbling.

“Hey, look at me,” Rosé said softly, “there’s absolutely nothing to apologize for. Can you let mommy help you feel better, hmm?”

She nodded, leaning into Rosé’s arms, breathing in the scent of her vanilla perfume. “Please, mommy.”

“Okay, sweet girl, come here,” she cooed, laying back against the headboard and motioning for Denali to join her. When she did she tucked her safely under her arm, kissing her forehead. “Mommy’s gonna help you feel all better.”

[aspd-culture]

Hey think I might have ASPD but I don't know for sure could you help me out? If not it's totally cool. I don't I feel guilt or remorse for my actions and I break rules alot, when I have the motivation to do stuff (But I do have like this extreme like Panic Attack sort of thing when I think people are going to hate me for breaking the rules and I'm going to get in trouble with them or ruin my reputation only when I think they'll find out though [even then only sometimes othertimes I just don't care so idk]) I disregard others boundaries (I used to be way worse, I think I can't remember alot of that stuff) and can get kinda rough with people physically when I'm irritated at them (This is more recent I've always been more verbally aggressive) and I think I might disregard my safety by putting myself in situations where I could get hurt but not caring. Aside from like two people I only care about people if they can give me something want and even with those two people I have to constantly remind myself of them so I don't forget they exist or disregard their boundaries. I'm almost always either kinda angry or bored (? [I have trouble recognising my emotions]) except when I'm around those two people or people I'm getting something from. If I go against my own morals I don't exactly feel guilty but more like I've lost my whole sense of self and I freeze up in a distress until I figure things out (might be an Autism thing). Anyways sorry if this ask makes no sense feel free to delete it.

No worries, this ask is actually super coherent and covers a good portion of the diagnostic criteria, which can help me point you in the right direction. However, please note I am not a medical professional, and even if I was I am not your personal professional, so I am unable to diagnose you. I can let you know what I think as someone with ASPD though!

Going by all the symptoms you pointed out here, I think you hit quite a few marks for ASPD criteria, and reading this very much reminds me of something I might have written a few years ago trying to describe myself.

One thing I want to make sure you know is that things like guilt are terms with specific definitions in the context of ASPD, but neurotypical people often refuse to define them for us since they think it's obvious, making it so we can't tell if we experience it or not. I on the other hand do my best to define it the way professionals have explained it to me.

Remorse/guilt in the context of ASPD refers to an instinct-based "bad" feeling, usually something similar to anxiety mixed with a low self-esteem spiral. This feeling typically occurs whenever you have done anything "wrong" - aka outside of social codes, moral codes, legal codes, or being generally disrespectful/insubordinate. This typically happens regardless of the chance of consequences or even getting caught at all. People without low remorse will feel this even when they know they have 100% gotten away with whatever it was, often even if they are in the right.

Fear of consequences, injuries to reputation, etc are generally not included in the definition of "remorse" professionals are using here. It is feeling bad exclusively because you did something "bad", and usually feeling an insistent desire to apologize or make ammends for (as opposed to covering up) whatever has been done.

Many pwASPD still have their own personal code of things they believe are right and wrong to do, and may feel a blow to their self esteem if they break that, but if it is a thing of "I broke my own rules" or "I might get in trouble" vs "I hurt somebody" or "I did something wrong", then it's in a gray area most professionals won't count as remorse.

It sounds to me like the "remorse" you're feeling may be more of an anxiety or trauma response to getting caught/in trouble, which is very common in pwASPD as caregivers usually try and overcorrect with fear to get us to behave. This may mimic remorse outwardly, which is why they do it, but internally as you mentioned it is not the same.

I would definitely recommend doing more research on ASPD, as it does seem you have many symptoms of it, and if at all possible talk to a mental health professional.

Plain text below the cut:

No worries, this ask is actually super coherent and covers a good portion of the diagnostic criteria, which can help me point you in the right direction. However, please note I am not a medical professional, and even if I was I am not your personal professional, so I am unable to diagnose you. I can let you know what I think as someone with ASPD though!

Going by all the symptoms you pointed out here, I think you hit quite a few marks for ASPD criteria, and reading this very much reminds me of something I might have written a few years ago trying to describe myself.

One thing I want to make sure you know is that things like guilt are terms with specific definitions in the context of ASPD, but neurotypical people often refuse to define them for us since they think it's obvious, making it so we can't tell if we experience it or not. I on the other hand do my best to define it the way professionals have explained it to me.

Remorse/guilt in the context of ASPD refers to an instinct-based "bad" feeling, usually something similar to anxiety mixed with a low self-esteem spiral. This feeling typically occurs whenever you have done anything "wrong" - aka outside of social codes, moral codes, legal codes, or being generally disrespectful/insubordinate. This typically happens regardless of the chance of consequences or even getting caught at all. People without low remorse will feel this even when they know they have 100% gotten away with whatever it was, often even if they are in the right.

Fear of consequences, injuries to reputation, etc are generally not included in the definition of "remorse" professionals are using here. It is feeling bad exclusively because you did something "bad", and usually feeling an insistent desire to apologize or make ammends for (as opposed to covering up) whatever has been done.

Many pwASPD still have their own personal code of things they believe are right and wrong to do, and may feel a blow to their self esteem if they break that, but if it is a thing of "I broke my own rules" or "I might get in trouble" vs "I hurt somebody" or "I did something wrong", then it's in a gray area most professionals won't count as remorse.

It sounds to me like the "remorse" you're feeling may be more of an anxiety or trauma response to getting caught/in trouble, which is very common in pwASPD as caregivers usually try and overcorrect with fear to get us to behave. This may mimic remorse outwardly, which is why they do it, but internally as you mentioned it is not the same.

I would definitely recommend doing more research on ASPD, as it does seem you have many symptoms of it, and if at all possible talk to a mental health professional.