#idk that ofc doesnt mean that people dont deserve help or smth

[perfectly-uncapable]

sometimes i get rlly irrationally annoyed about all the autism/adhd "things" posts even when made by autistic/adhd people...like stfu we can't all have it some of these things rlly just are universal humans living with phones in our pockets things

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

Also,,, uh,,,, If midoriya let out all his emotions, bc he is such a good boy, he'd feel so fucking bad and start sobbing like 'IM SORRYY I DIDNT MEAN IT A R R AJTJENFJGN' even if bakugou didn't care,,, Midoriya would definitely act like 'NOOO IM MEANT TO BE A HERO HOW COULD I SAY THIS TO SOMEONE WHO IM PROBABLY GOING TO NEED TO WORK ALONGSIDE IN THE PRO HERO FUTURE R A A A WHAT IF I GET FANS AND THEY FIND OUT AND GIVE ME HATE ALL MIGHT SAVE ME' AND IN ALL HONESTU, I FEEL LIKE ITD HURT HIM MORE

hold up imma boutta project/analyze

ok so i do believe ur right that midoriya would feel absolutely AWFUL before, during, nd after any conversation that is a confrontation w baku

i believe this for a couple reasons;;;;

1) midoriya has a hard time letting loose negative emotions that like. arent characteristic of a “good person”. like he refuses to let himself act out and/or respond in ways that may be a little mean bc he just. idk if this is canon technically but like from what i can analyze abt his character, he hinges his self-esteem on being a good person. so, if he were to ever act in a way that would Question that notion, i think he’d fall in on himself. so he doesn’t have any experience letting loose such emotions nd he’d be scared of the aftermath of doing so, not just bc of bakugou, but also what it might mean for who he is

and also 2) as fucked up nd complex as his relationship w bakugou is, he does care for him. i think its also canon that he hates him at the same time?? so hes got a lot of internal conflict over him, let alone bringing it out into the light and trying to mediate between those two sides of himself during a conversation

and then 3) he spent a long time like,,just pushing bakugou’s assholeness off?? like he knew bakugou was like a dick but he cared for him and didnt want to ruin his future w his personal beef (even though he was entitled to like u dont use ur quirk on someone @/young baku) so he just shrugged off the incidences the best he could. to confront baku abt everything tho, he would have to acknowledge everything that happened to him nd that would be so taxing emotionally he’d have to face the fact that he never even got a childhood bc of the relentless bullying not just from baku but the rest of his peers and oh GOD

so its bc of these three main reasons i think midoriya would l o a t h e to confront baku abt anything, and if he did confront him, he’d feel awful afterwards

HOWEVER he has good friends now and he knows what a good friendship is supposed to look like and also his self-esteem and self-image isnt so crippled anymore and he knows he deserves basic decency now and bakugou like.....for years never gave him that. for YEARS. and it cost midoriya many things, the least of which were having friends/a sense of importance

so like. i think for months he’d be warring with himself over “to talk or to not talk” bc,,,the three reasons but also he wants ANSWERS bakugou was so awful to him for YEARS he wants the REASONS he wants an APOLOGY he wants to be TAKEN SERIOUSLY because DAMMIT people -- teachers, peers, strangers at parks, whatever -- all simply WATCHED him being brought down OVER and OVER and OVER and he just. he needs to know he needs closure he needs. he needs.

SOOooo i think one night he’d just snap like baku does smth snarky or w/e and midoriya just completely freaks the fuck out

its a screaming match and midoriya can hardly breathe thro his tears but he NEEDS baku to know and he NEEDS answers and he just. he cant keep this contained any longer he will literally die if he tries to keep this to himself to his grave

so midoriya probably pulls a conversational curveball (probably brings up baku s*icide baiting him) and baku just freezes

while baku is frozen midoriya just fucking spills his entire guts and heart out and at the end he tries to demand an explanation but his actions have caught up with him at that point nd midoriya cant even move hes feeling so many emotions and oh god. he just yelled everything at bakugou

if midoriya could stand he’d probs run away but he cant MOVE fam his heart’s just so heavy

anyway theyre probably heard by like Everyone in the dorms so when the silence stretches on midoriya’s friends probs come in and help him to his room while baku’s just left to like digest all of that

back in mido’s room he’s probably crying just not as loudly bc “oh god im such a bad person i was supposed to keep it to myself i was supposed to be better im supposed to be a good person what good person would scream at the person theyve known the longest im so awful hes right im useless im evil im so fucking-” nd midoriya’s friends Quickly put an end to that the best they can but yknow midoriya’s just all over the place tonight

anyway some hours later baku knocks on the door nd under the izucrew’s monitoring, baku has a talk w midoriya

midoriya didnt rlly get to ask bakugou why any of their past happened, but bakugou feels like he should tell him his side of the story since midoriya told him his

nd its not,,satisfying cause bakugou’s still trying to figure out his past actions and motives himself but its something and hes actually remorseful and also he heard midoriya out and doesnt hate him so midoriya will take it

anyway once bakugou tells his side, he ends it with a *gasp* actual apology!!!! and he promises to do better

nd midoriya’s like “i cant forgive u, not yet at least, but like. thanks for this” bc hey he got his closure yknow

so theyre probs just rlly on uneven footing w each other for a couple months before midoriya asks if he wants to try as friends again nd blah blah im sure we all know the story from there

SOOOOOOOOOO basically; ur right midoriya would feel like complete shit before, during, and after the conversation(s), but i think in the end it would be beneficial for both him and bakugou’s character

cause bakugou will see how his actions hurt the person he’s known the longest firsthand, and the person who’s done nothing but admire him will snap at him for the first time, nd i think that would lead to good introspection on baku’s side

nd ofc midoriya getting to spill his entire guts would be cathartic as shit he’d feel a lot better after getting it out there instead of trying to keep it pushed down. plus, bakugou (or anyone else for that matter) wouldnt hate him for talking abt his feelings SO yeah after he accepts the situation Happened he’d feel,,a lot better,,

so like. to midoriya this whole conversation would be like a necessary evil thing, but it would help him and by extension bakugou, not hurt them

anyway thats my hot take dkjfdkjnk this became half a fic so i apologize anyway stan midoriya thanks thats all

[woozi]

henlo yza <3 ,

hdjdkd i don't really have much knowledge abt different techniques & kind of dances so when the steps match the lyrics i'm like '!!! wow yes i love it' fhdjdjskks also bc i've grown up watching these kind of dances only so my that's what i tend to notice first hdjdjddk it is also one of the reason why i decided to stan svt dwc, oh my, thanks & our dawn is hotter than day's choreo details really impressed me.

maybe vincenzo is your svt club & ur so valid for that <3 hddjdjekek also pls don't say sorry!! you can talk abt it as much as you want i like knowing what you think. i'll let you know how was it for me when i complete it. & no homecha hasn't ended yet (idk if there are 16 or 14 eps i haven't checked) it does come on weekends, counting this sunday's ep, we're at 12th rn.

i get that fjdjdkkd i used to be the same 😭 always waiting for dramas to end so i can binge watch because not knowing what happens next would kill me. but idk when this happened, my will to watch anything died down bc the eps are just there, available for me to watch anytime. im like 'i'll watch it next time' but next time never comes 💀. this year i've watched no-air ones only hdjssj very surprising for me ( also my wack memory & svt content supports me by forgetting abt it after weekend ends dhdjdkkd) anyway i'm very excited to see how you like homecha!

CHURCH BOY JOSH HDHDJDDKKSLSDJ church boy josh, cringe domestic boy, joshua numbers. we've come up with so many nicknames for him in few asks only 😭😭 dbdjksksk deserve actually. BUT SO TRUE I STILL HAVE NO WORDS FOR HIM. THAT WAS- JUST- WOW OKAY WE SEE YOU 😭😭and dino lip piercing and hoshi eyebrow slit..... so sexy of them. cb concept pictures haven't come out yet & they're already shinning!! love to see that. also now we have gyu and hoshi's wedding reception pictures & cottagecore hannie (with that collarbone picture right in middle >:( wth mister but also hbd ig <3) being added in the equation.

IM CRYINGGGGGG THEY LOOK SO CUTE THEY ARE SO CUTE NOO 😭😭💔 HOW HAVE I NEVER SEEN THESE COVERS WTH (being the ex-directioner and all dhdjkdsksk). I SMILED SO WIDE WATCHING THEM <///3 it's been so long since i heard one thing wow lol. but! this means they know who zayn is. thank you for this jdjssk this is going to keep me happy for some time hdjdke. SUNDAY MORNING EHJEJEKE 😭 thank you <3 dndjdj

IKR???? IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS CB I'M ALSO EXCITED TO EXPERIENCE IT WITH YOU. agreee truly bless svt for helping keeping us from losing it over life (by making us lose it over them) tbh sometimes it worries me too with the way contents keep dropping but just now in these unit interviews being released, perf unit shared how they have ppl who encourage them to be okay with their tiredness. things like that put me at ease. hope they rest well from time to time too. honestly just looking at their tour schedules i used to get tired because these dudes used to have more shows and less day offs and some of them being used to just move from one city to another. i hope in coming years pledis changes that lol.

sameee for the poster release hdjdkeek. also even though there was scheduler, i forgot abt the concept trailer 😭 it was raining & bcoz of that power was out as well & i don't use data dhdjdkdk. i think 5 minutes after 12 kst power came back (you can say joshu's sparkler brought it back hdjdjdks) it literally left me speechless. yk that meme ' everyone remembers what they were doing & where they were when it happened ' that's me & you with this cb hfjdkd honestly that's everyone with this cb me thinks.

seventeenies bringing the grass to you w their posts djdjkd ( btw you can always tell me if silly little jokes get out of hand i wouldn't ever like to make you uncomfy) but seriously i hope uni doesn't give you hard time. don't worry much just keep moving forward, at some point whatever is making you feel stuck will move away eventually.

is it that obvious? 😭😭😭😭 no i don't like rain at all dhjddk (i actually didn't dislike it as much during teens) mostly because road drainage system sucks here & we live in lower area so even moderate rain causes water logging. i'd give you some rain but this one's bad so i won't </3 ( as if i could if it were the good one 💀) stay hydrated!!! drink two sips of water everytime you hear dino laugh, i hope it cools a little soon.

that's what being on tumblr since 2012 does to you 😭 ALSO UR SO FUNNY PLS, SO ARE THE MEMES YOU USE FOR ASKS DJDJDKD. *hands you bunny headband dino* it's dangerous outside take this, you too stay safe out there 😭😭😭😭 love you too <3 and thank YOU for hanging out w me hehe :3, also dw tbh these asks have become one of the highlights for me now & i'm only using my free time excluding resting time, i hope you are too, no pressure at all! dw about being late - 🪂

ps - did i tell you i actually followed your svt blog around the time everyone was guessing your biases hddjkddj i sent mingyu & jeonghan dhdjdj that was my first ask :3 - 🪂

henlo, 🪂!! <3 <3 <3

honestly it doesnt matter to me tbh <3 if people enjoy the dance its all that matters!! and omg i can see that!! i love the svteenies always bring something fresh to the table

omg that means you're near the end 😭😭😭 i keep seeing gifs of it on my dash and it makes me feel a lil lovesick ngl HJFHJFHD why is it so TENDER????????????????

ok but that's so valid too bc that's me rn with in the soop.... i literally have not watched the 6th ep yet 😭 and i'm getting the feeling youre mentioning w swf now because i literally always look forward to tuesdays just for the next ep HJDHJDS also i am dumb what are no-airs HJDHJDHHD and ur not alone tbh <3 i have also been super forgetful lately and that is not like me fdhjdfjhdfhjdfhj we're rotting in this hellsite ig

love bullying him i just wanna know how he'd react if he gets upset <3 i dont think we've ever seen angry josh and i wanna make him angry sm HSDHJSDJ im glossing over dino lip piercing to directly go over hOSHI EYEBROW SLIT BC HELLO??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ive never really liked eyebrow slits but he makes them look so- i want him to hurt me HJDSHJDHJDS ALSO THE LATEST SET OF PHOTOS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD they're giving me what i've been asking for i love being here sm <3 soonyoung's so chummy w everyone have u seen his photos w jihoon last night 😭 he's literally tamed the actual tiger icb this. and no oh my god i do not Know what Collarbone Jeonghan is i have erased him from my memories thank u

HDSHDSJDSHJDS the ex-directioner is so funny to me 😭 i think we have all been there one way or another <3 and ofc omg <3 i'm glad my core svt memories make u happy HSDJHJDFHJHJDSF

they literally said escapism hELP ME 😭😭😭😭😭 i think they're also just workaholics in general. i would be too if i actually enjoyed what i did for a living 😭 and are we even gonna get tours in the near future.... this is so sad i havent even seen them irl </3

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OMG that's terrible, i hope u guys were okay though :/ AND NOT THE JOSH SPARKLER FDDHJFHDFHJFDHFDH now i have to think about him oh my god i think i passed out a little when eyebrow piercing josh came on screen and just full on blacked out when the match scene came on tbh 😭 JKSDJKDSKDS ITS LIKE THE PANDEMIC!!!!!!! WE WILL RMB!!!!!!!!!

ALSOO NOOO OMG i dont feel uncomf at all and u should also tell me if i do make u feel so <3 thank u for even mentioning that!! also love that they're Doing It All for us we dont even have to go out to touch grass anymore HJDSHJSDJ i've actually been v happy w uni omg!! just that i often feel stressed bc they give us sm things to do </3 thank u for ur kind words!!

that's the price of being an adult JDJSJKD now we gotta think of things like.. idk the effects of rain 😭😭😭 i used to even love it when it flooded as a kid HJDSHJSDHJ now i get anxious too!! i love all kinds of rain though so i wont mind JKKSDKJSDKJD just that other people might be affected </3 wish i had my own rain cloud on some kind of leash lmao. ALSO IF I DRINK WATER EVERY TIME I HEAR DINO LAUGH FDHFDHJDFHD gonna be bloated but hydrated af ngl

oh my gOD YOU WERE HERE SINCE 2012???? we're literally sick bestie <3 i genuinely think tumblr has changed something fundamental in me and my way of thinking has not been The Same as idk.. regular people ig JDSHJSDHJSD THE OFFLINE PEOPLE!! smth about tumblr is so <3 sick but also i love this hellsite so 😗 AND NOOO NOT THE MEMES FDHDFHJDF its my broken sense of humor and inability to convey emotions properly HHSDHJDSHJ

BUNNY HEADBAND DINO?????????????????????????????????????? honestly he'd bring me more harm than protection i'll say that much 😭

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 that genuinely made me feel so warm & fuzzy, i always look forward to your messages too <3 <3 <3 i hope u always have good days u deserve it for being such a sweetheart

WAIT HELLO???????????????????????? YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR SO LONG THEN 😭😭😭😭😭 and im so impressed you didnt get weeded out ngl HFDHJFDHJFD icb you've been witnessing me going more ill everyday <3 ur a soldier

and u are partially correct abt mingyu & jh <3 at least during the time JSDJDSJKSDJK i think i've been desensitized to mingyu now but i still love him sm <3 he's just so cute and cutesy boys kinda infuriate me in an affectionate way so HJSDHJDSHJDSH

[kawaiiwamine]

((I was hoping someone else would send it but you definitely do the character breakdown for Shuu. Iwasweetie or Iwamine or both. Someone talking about the rationalising of their muse is always interesting))

ask and you shall receive!! im putting the cut right up here bc uh wow lmao

Iwameanie

How I feel about this character

stupid sexy iwamine…. really tho thats the crux of its. hes hot to trot. and a megane. and scientists get extra hot points im just gonna say it. and hes gay. god made him for me. if iwamine shuu didnt exist i would have to invent him. i need him

All the people I ship romantically with this character

oh boy. i like shipping and i like him so ofc,

well i already talked abt my fondness for shuuya, so theres that

gotta have that papaiwa, of COURSE im too much of a softie to not have a scenario in which his crush is requited

with hitori? oh boy thats good. nanaiwa is good but not my ideal iteration of the ship. but idk smth abt him w hitori… theyre almost the same age, both are scalding hot, hitori is a character that i think would be capable of standing up to his regular shuu bs. its good! its always good whenever i see it and i want more!

you know what else is good? shuukazu! with kazuaki-kun! i can mainly thank selina for turning me on to it, it seems cracky at first but ive gotten to the point where im actually invested. its cute, what can i say? something about the coldest, meanest character having a soft spot for the frailest, squishiest character is just too delicious to pass up. and of course i have to mention that staff trio? ot3 to end all ot3s

im also gonna mention tohri (i like to call it nishuukikouji) its not one of my TOP ships and i dont think abt it too often but whenever i do see it im like yeah! hell yeah! and id def rp it given the opportunity

My non-romantic OTP for this character

i said this when i talked abt nageki but i feel like they could find some common ground in the right circumstances! shuu can be a good Fun Uncle that lets him get away with way more than hitori does lmao. really tho i would be happy to see him getting along w… anyone……. at all…………………………………

My unpopular opinion about this character

is genuinely wanting him to be happy unpopular? probably. ppl will say he doesnt deserve it but look… thats not the point……. the point is just that i need more positivity in hato dkjfhgkdhfj. also literally his entire life is just so sad its so pathetic and hard to watch i just need him to have like one good day at least ok. do it for me

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

well if ryuuji could not die that would be fucking SPECTACULAR. at the very least try to do as little murder as possible ok dear. make some friends or smth. please.

The man! The myth! The legend! Iwasweetie!!!

How I feel about this character

oh boy we could be here all day. so obv i loved shuu from like. day one. heres the thing tho… im a big ol softie who wants everyone to get along and be happy. i mean ok yes i also love angst… a lot…. but when the canon situation is already sad af i gotta Do Smth abt it. bc really everything abt shuu is so depressing already it doesnt need to be any worse please

so yes iwameanie in everyone lives aus and redemption arcs and all thats GREAT. like it, love it, gotta have it. but i also had another idea, which is just: what if he was? nice?

(i was mainly inspired by a sketch moa drew of a disturbed yuuya contemplating the idea of a nice shuu. also there was very briefly an ask blog abt a nice shuu which i thought was adorable but sadly idr the url! if its even still up!)

another big advantage is that since iwasweetie is so diff from iwameanie in so many ways, i have a lot of wiggle room. hes so vaguely defined in canon, which means i have a lot of opportunity to kinda do w/e i want which is really fun! theres enough already there to guide me and him having pre-established relationships is also helpful ofc but it also feels v liberated.

also since his life Is better, i dont have to feel so guilty abt putting him thru angst! woohoo

so honestly after all this time i just. love him. how could i not? obv bc ive rped him for so long but also bc hes just more. well hes actually lovable. bc he doesnt kill kids. thats nice. also hes just way more down to earth and easier to relate to so thats a big advantage too! basically i just. adore him and i want him to be happy (most of the time)

All the people I ship romantically with this character

everyone i said for iwameanie! its already blog canon (or “kawaiicanon” as i say) that hes crushing hardcore on hitori. that doesnt mean its blog canon that it actually happens, or that it doesnt. its left open to possibilities. he just has that Crush, thats for sure

also, him with kazu would just be. unbelievably sweet. you already talked abt it and tbh i agree w it all. it would be so good for them to have each other and it would probably be nice for shuu to have someone to dote on, maybe hed take better care of himself if he had someone else to take care of too

My non-romantic OTP for this character

ok i already said nageki but im gonna reiterate it here bc their relationship is SO important!! i love them!! theyre a little ragtag family of misfits but their love is the purest the earth has ever seen and thats a cold hard FACT

OH YOU KNOW WHO ELSE? SAKUYA. sakuya obv has a dumb gay crush on shuu already, maybe it would be helpful for him to have a role model he looks up to thats actually. kind of a good influence??? honestly m le bel needs to just Die and then shuu can adopt him, problem solved

My unpopular opinion about this character

hes just objectively the superior shuu and thats how it is i dont make the rules

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

eat more. sleep better. be happier. go to therapy. and please come out, honey

[zhuhongs]

A part two to that other post that didnt fit but was related.

I think ultimately my own issues and my issues with others lie in miscommunication.

When I came home from being out today, my mom asked me how was it. And I lied to her because I didnt want to hear her opinion. I know she wouldve just told me I was too mean to not like that girl and that I needed to stop hanging out with my friend that's always late. Both kinda conflicting pieces of advice bc one was to be nicer and the other to be meaner. I know I'd want to explain myself and shed just get irritated that I told her and didnt want to take her advice so I just decided to save myself the headache and not tell her anything of note. Because I dont trust her and I dont want her to know anything about me. Because even if I tell her, she wont get it. Or I've told myself that. In essence, I refuse to communicate with her so I always run here to write out my thoughts. Doing this, I'm basically just communicating with myself to try and replace the intimacy I desire with others. I mean.. ofc you all Can read it but many won't and that's okay. You dont need to. I'm just another girl complaining on the internet. You dont owe me anything.

And the reason why I think I'm mad at my friend and the acquaintance she brought along is a lack of communication. It was obvious that this person had like deep issues that she just mentioned to us with no pretenses but then tried to cover it up with 2016 tumblr humor like a 12 yr old. It just made me mad?? Like why tell me that, I cant help. I've only met you twice.!? It just felt like a pathetic muffled cry for help from a stranger rather than a sincere attempt to connect with us. She would just talk over people and say things unprompted and it drove me up a wall. Like I know that shes sad and needs help and care from ppl but like.. pls go about it a better way. I'm being patient and u deserve that but like I'm at the end of my rope walking on eggshells ant ur sad backstory omg. You are 20 fucking 2.. act like it. Like yes ik she has adhd and this is like indicative but fuck so do so many other and possibly myself and we dont do this... girl just go to a therapist. I'm trying to be helpful and I didn't say anything but it's also not my job to be ur therapist. You can't dump All ur issues on others. I HATE when people just dont show any regard for others and talk over them and say concerning things and mask it. Just say it properly if you're going to say it!!!!!! Oh my god. I was so exhausted by this girl. This is my second time.meeting her and she acted like we were besties. And also there was just some other communication issues with her and my friend. Bc she likes my friend and my friend doesnt like her back. bUT MY FRIEND keeps fake flirting with her and it's so painful like omg.. girl I dont like this person but you are being so cruel unknowingly. Omg.. if u make a "what if we kissed and were both girls" joke one more time I will throttle um she likes you. That's too cruel. Idk the entire time I was just so frustrated by the lack of good communication that I just shut up and wandered around the campus without listening to them. It was nice to be out on a college campus again. I MISS that but this was exhausting. I hate tumblr self deprecating humor and I hate miscommunication btw unrequited crushes. It's so painful. I just.. yea. I shouldnt be around a lot of ppl... like them.. or my mom but I'll try harder. Until then I will Shut up tho bc I'm not gonna make anything worse by saying smth.

[yoonasgf]

171013- saturday a rant dnt bother reading

i feel like i wanna talk to someone but then i think about it and what am i even expecting ? whenever i say smth i regret it immediately so just thinking abt expressing whats bothering me to others i just know ill regret adn feel guilty and embarrassed about it later so i never talk to anyone abt anything that goes on in my mind and it gets to the point where its so over bearing i feel like its drowning my head somehow , im so.. lonely wld be the word but lonely in my thoughts but like that doesnt even make sense idk im just writing here bc i need to let my feelings out somehow and i’d usually do it on twitter but like the 140 characters thing anyway i just feel like i want to let things out but whenevr i do i never like the answer i get, like if they give me advice i feel annoyed cus i wasnt asking for help i was simply stating how i felt (and most of the time its stuff that cant really be fixed?), if they tell me stuff like “i love you !” its like ok? ik its mean but someone elses love does not affect my situation at all since its an inner issue that doest rly have to do with self-esteem, and if they just are like ‘yeah’ or ‘thats so bad:(’ ijust feel like theyre not paying attention (even if they are) which makes me regret opening up, so i dont really know what im expecting when i vent to someone i guess i just want to feel like someone is listening to me idk im like so full of thoughts and feelings. writing this feels like its calming me down a little bit so i think im just gonna keep writing, in english (its funny how id rather open up in english since its my second language i feel more alienated from it so it feels less real? what im talking about seems less seriousdk) so whats circling in my mind is that i dont have anyone im urging to meet i dont have anyone i truly like anymore and that my ladies is so fucking sad and frustrating that ive mentally grown apart from my friends im just not myself when im with them and sure my fake-extroverted persona ive built throughout highschool is good at doing her job and she still gets along with them so well but now it feels like that side of me, the fake one, is another person like we used to share some “mental common ground” but not anymore i just dont have anything in common with that persona anymore so whenever im with my old friends i just become her it’s like i completely leave reality it makesme so lonely inside. and i cant help it its unvoluntary how i switch places with the other me i cant stop it and i hate it because i feel like its drowning me alive, along with my personal issues. lately ive been isolating myself a lot, i stay in the classroom during recess and i havent gone out in like a month.actually last time i went out i decided i just wont go out anymore i just think its not for me i truly dont have fun. is that okay like is that normal? like is just dont enjoy the loudness and the kind of jokes that go on, i think if grown too fast. i justdont wannatalk about drinking andsex and how evil the math teacher is, like its fine once ia while but iwanna discuss science and philosohy and share thoughs too,  anything else is so irrelevant it’s so sos irrrelevant to me. not that i dont enjoy good laughs anddrinking, but for that i feel like i wanna be with someone who is special to me? like someone whoi respect intellectually first, and then we can laugh at dog memes. someone i can show my realpersona to,and the thing is i have my best friends she’s literally so perfect bc she’s smart but also silly so we can talk abt hitler but then we can talk abt that one episode of sponge bob ? but the thing is shes graduating this year, and she has like an almost boyfriend, so i decided i should start getting used to her not beingwith me, but thats way more lonely than i thought. the guy thing, it wasnt planned, and shes with her crush most of the time which i totally understand i watn them to be together and stuff but i dont have anyone else but her- that is the real me not the fake persona, the fake persona hasmany people- but i though “she deserves this” so decided to step back so they can concentrate on each other. she ofc wouldve never asked this of me, but it seems like it was the best, sometimes i feel like a huge burden to her. but now imrealizing how lonely it has made me, being with her is like letting go of a breath that ive been holding and im realizing how much i need her. so i thought of like ‘slipping’ back in but im faced with the fact that we will infact part ways when she graduates because we’re attending universities in different parts of the country so maybe i should be getting used to the solitude, until someone else comes. and someone else seems to be here, this one friend i have in my new class, but im so scared of opning up to her, im scared of her kindness to me. i always think “why is she so nice? why does she stand up for me” at first she wasa bit too rough for me but as we spent time together i think she realized what kind of person i am and changed her ways so now were getting closer and closer and it makes me so 불안해 and 두려워 (idk how to express the sentiment in english) i dont even know what im scared of, it;s not like ive been hurt before in that way i think? maybe i have i cant remember. the point is, i know i should let this person in because she’d help me but i just cant seem to opne the freaking door its like my hand is shakinly holding teh doorknob without actually twisting it. i do think i will eventually tho. anyway. i was saying i spend alot of time alone these days, reading,studying, twitter, watching stuff, and its really nice i really do enjoy being by myself but i honestly dont have manyb things to do? so eventually the Thoughts come, and lately what ive been meditating is how the reason why i dont get close or attached to people (again the fake me might get closed but not me) is because simply no one is as good company to me as myself? which is fine wyou know many people feel like that, but i hate that if im alone poeple thinkg i dont have friends or that im sad and they think its bad that i am alone which is really not the case. i could be with ppl if i wanted to i just chose not to. theres this particular guy in my class actually, who thinks he has to be my friends bcim often alone and it irriates me so much bc 1. hes interrumpting my enjoyable me-time 2. he does it out of pity and boi do i hate pity like sometimes i just stay in the classroom doing homework or reading and he comes in likw “why are u always alone:(” because i want to you fucking dumbass andtoday or maybe it was yesterday particularly he said “why are you always alone is it becayse you dont have freinds bc you went on exchange and dont know anyone” llike um no im alone because i literally want to be alone you absolute dipshit and ido have 10 times more friends than you i just dont feel like being wit hthem you fucking asshole it pissed me off so much as if he’s ?? helping in anyway ?? i just wish anyone whosaw me alone wld tjust think ‘i guess she likes being alone’ isntead of thinking that im alone bc no one is willing to keep me company. isuddenly got really mad writting this. i think this really calmed me downishould do it more often its not like anyone who follows me here wld open it, like ideally this is whatdiaries are for but i dnt like to waste paper. im gonna write the date as well