#idk that i relate to crossing the line and nothing left to lose quite as much but i wouldnt say they dont feel similarly good to listen to

[mbat]

i wish i could just consume the media with characters i relate to as bite sized snack. i want to see the characters that feel like reflections to me but theyre in the middle of long ass media most of the time. like got damn why cant you be a reeses cup

[when-they-write-stuff]

Okay idk if ur taking prompts or if this is too vague but I really love the idea of Derek making up reasons to be close to Stiles/ touch him (kinda like how he made excuses in your shirt fic) bc he doesn’t know how to do relationships/ask for stuff/ is embarrassed. And stiles either being completely oblivious until he suddenly realizes at the end OR knowing the whole time but not saying anything bc he likes it. So if you would like, I’d love it if you wrote something like that :)

Stiles noticed the changes gradually.

The changes in Derek Hale, that is. Resident grumpy Alpha werewolf, Derek Hale, who had been throwing Stiles into walls a lot less and started acting quietly careful around him a lot more. 

He noticed the changes gradually and the thing was, he didn’t know what to do about them. Because since when did Derek not want to rip Stiles’s throat out with his teeth? Since when was he not a giant grump whenever Stiles made a single comment?

Sure, they’d known each other for a while now. Stiles would like to say that he was a lot less scared of Derek and a lot more… well, he didn’t like to dwell on that. But Stiles would even go as far as calling them friends. Or very good acquaintances. Or something like that. The point is, Derek no longer avidly hated him. He was less growly. And he only glared sometimes when Stiles was around.

Then things changed.

Because suddenly, Derek was there. Just… there. At Stiles’s side. Swinging through his window every other night. Looking like a serial killer every time Scott sat too close during pack movie nights.

It was strange.

Stiles had started cataloging his changes because he was pretty sure something was wrong. Maybe Derek had been replaced by a duplicate, maybe there was something in the water, or maybe he was secretly dying. And in the process of secretly dying, Derek realized not being nice to Stiles was his life’s biggest regret. So he was trying to do things better.

Stiles kind of doubted that last one. But hey, a boy could dream, right?

At this point, Derek wasn’t always literally ‘there’ but he was being expressive too. If expression could be conveyed by standing too close, occasionally touching the back of Stiles’s neck, and sitting pressed up against him in the loft, that is. Stiles thought for Derek Hale, that was pretty expressive.

He tried talking to Scott about it. But Scott was never very good talking about anything non-Allison related. Erica just laughed at him. Isaac rolled his eyes.

Boyd didn’t even stick around long enough for Stiles to talk.

But the point is, Stiles was pretty sure something was very wrong. And he was determined to do something about it.

It started when Derek swung through his window that night.

Stiles turned slowly around and leveled the werewolf with his very best death stare. Derek froze with one foot in his bedroom and one foot still on the roof, and actually looked nervous. Derek Hale never looked nervous. 

Something was so truly and unbelievably wrong.

“Stiles,” Derek said slowly, pulling himself the rest of the way inside. Stiles crossed his arms and tilted an eyebrow, and Derek blinked at him. “Is something wrong?”

“I don’t know, Derek, is something wrong?”

The other man stared at him. Then he huffed and moved over to Stiles’s bed, dropping down on the edge. “No. Have you started the research yet?”

“I don’t know, Derek, have I started the research yet?”

“What’s wrong with you.”

Stiles rolled his eyes and shoved himself up. Clearly, this line of questioning wasn’t getting them anywhere. 

Derek tracked his every move, looking a little wary, and Stiles paced the length of his room before turning around and pacing it again. He finally stopped in front of Derek and narrowed his eyes, studying the man. 

Derek didn’t look any different, but it could be underneath the skin. Cautiously, Stiles reached out and poked at his face. Derek snarled and smacked his hand away.

“Stiles, what is wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me, Sourwolf, something’s wrong with you!”

Derek gave him a flat look and Stiles resisted the urge to poke at his face again. After a long moment of having the most murder-y staring contest in his life, Stiles tore his gaze away with a groan and Derek pushed himself up, shaking his head. “Just… have something to bring to the loft tomorrow.”

“Sure, yeah, whatever, Derek. If that’s even your real name.”

Derek gave him one more flat, confused look before pulling himself out the window. Stiles rushed after him, before the man could vanish into the night. Like a vampire. Or Batman. Or whatever the hell he was.

Because it wasn’t Derek Hale.

“I hope you know I’m onto you!” Stiles shouted after him. Derek didn’t even bother looking back, moving across the lawn and literally melting into the shadows.

Stiles slammed his window down too hard and lined it with mountain ash.

- 

The next day, he arrived at the loft early. The only werewolves around were Derek and Peter, and Stiles shot Peter an unimpressed look the moment he stepped over the threshold.

But then he paused. Peter crooked up an eyebrow from the couch and over in the kitchen, Derek watched him warily. Stiles was pretty sure he was getting suspicious. Or nervous. Or something.

Good.

“Stiles. You’re early.”

“Am I?”

“Did you get anything done last night?”

Stiles studied the man. In truth, he had not. Nothing for the monster of the week, that is. But he had done quite a bit of research on doppelgangers, alien abduction, and brainwashing. Among other things. “I got more done than you’ll ever suspect.”

Derek looked confused. From the couch, Peter tilted his head and looked intrigued. 

Stiles glared at Derek for a few more minutes before crossing the room and grabbing Peter’s arm, dragging him back toward the door. The werewolf made a noise of surprise and Derek was looking concerned now, but Stiles pointed one threatening finger at him and he froze. 

“Stay, Sourwolf.”

“Stiles, what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Stay.”

Derek’s expression turned murderous, but he didn’t move. Stiles dragged Peter out of the loft and then down the hall. 

“Tell me when he can’t hear us anymore.”

“What?”

“Tell me when the thing inside the loft can’t hear us anymore,” Stiles said, shaking Peter’s arm. The man gave him an incredulous look and Stiles sighed, finally coming to a stop where he hoped Derek’s hearing didn’t reach. Finally, he let go, and Peter was looking at him like he’d just grown horns.

“The thing in the loft?”

Stiles crossed his arms. “Yes. I don’t trust it.”

“It.”

“Yes, it. Dude, are you even listening?”

“Derek.”

“That is not Derek.”

Peter’s eyes sparked and he titled his head, studying Stiles up and down. Then he sighed. “What has my ridiculous nephew done this time?”

“Oh my god, you’re not listening. That is not Derek,” Stiles said, jerking his chin toward the loft door. “He’s been replaced. Or possessed. Or duplicated. Or something, but that is not Derek.”

“And why would you think that?”

“Because,” Stiles hissed. “He’s less grumpy, he’s less growly, and he’s less intense. He’s nice to me, Creeperwolf, nice to me. A few days ago, he let me borrow a shirt when I spilled juice on mine and spent the rest of the afternoon smiling.”

Peter stared at him. Stiles swallowed hard.

“I think he’s been abducted by aliens and this is an imposter.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously! There’s something wrong with him!”

Peter had an expression on his face like he’d like to throw himself off the nearest cliff. He closed his eyes and sighed, before looking at Stiles again with an expression of thinly veiled distaste. “I don’t understand.”

“You don’t… you don’t understand?” Stiles said, staring at him. “How the hell am I supposed to better explain this, Peter? You’ve lived with him! Don’t tell me he hasn’t been acting different. Like, light, smiley-er, and calmer different.”

“Yes,” Peter drawled. “I do live with him. And I have noticed.”

“So what the hell don’t you understand?”

“I don’t understand,” Peter said deliberately. “How you’re such an idiot. Or how my nephew has fallen in love with such an idiot.”

Stiles blinked at him. His jaw snapped shut.

“Why does an Alpha werewolf growl when people get too close to his things, Stiles?” Peter said. “Why does he bask in self-satisfaction when the object of his desire goes around wearing his clothes, or carries his scent from movie nights being pressed up too together? You’re a bright boy, Stiles. Can you put two and two together?”

Stiles’s mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. Peter rolled his eyes.

“The pack meeting is canceled and I’m leaving. The next time you decided alien abduction is the answer, try ruling out the more obvious things first.”

Stiles blinked after him. Then he turned around and stared at the loft door before slowly moving toward it. Derek was still in the kitchen when Stiles poked his head inside and he arched a brow from the kitchen.

“Where’s Peter?”

Stiles just stared at him. Derek slowly set down his mug.

“Stiles, what did you do to Peter?”

“What? Nothing. He left.”

Derek looked suspicious and Stiles grinned nervously, pushing into the loft. He was pretty sure Peter was wrong and Derek was not in love with him. Alien abduction was the truth.

But at the same time, Stiles suddenly… wasn’t so sure.

“So,” Stiles said, fiddling with his hands. “There’s something I’m going to say and if it’s completely wrong then feel free to growl or rip my head off or maybe never talk to me again. That’s totally acceptable.”

Both of Derek’s brows were raised now. Stiles took a deep breath and nearly choked on his own spit, the words coming out so fast.

“Are you in love with me?”

Derek went still, his eyes flickering. Before he could lose his nerve and maybe melt into a puddle, Stiles plowed on.

“I mean, you’ve been all nice and soft and fluffy lately. I mean, you haven’t pushed me into any walls in a couple weeks and you sometimes loan me clothes, and get this weird expression on your face when I’m anywhere close to you and—”

“Stiles,” Derek said, cutting him off. Stiles closed his mouth with a miserable expression, sure he was about to get either punched or brutally told off. But instead, Derek looked a little nervous too. “Stiles, it’s the… alien abduction.”

And Stiles’s heart stopped.

Later on, when the story was retold, Stiles would deny to his last breath that he grabbed the nearest thing he could find (a table lamp) and nearly brained Derek with it. He’d also never admit that he was pretty sure Derek nearly attacked him at that.

But in his defense, Stiles had no idea Derek had a sense of humor up until that moment. And also? He hadn’t dragged Peter far away enough and the asshole of an Alpha listened in on personal conversations. 

But Stiles didn’t brain Derek. And he’d never give Peter any of the credit to things that might have occurred in the loft after that.

Because see, Stiles noticed the changes gradually.

But there was nothing gradual about his (or Derek’s) reaction when figuring them out. 

- -

This prompt was adorable, nonnie, thank you for sending it! And I hope I didn’t disappoint <3

(if you enjoy my writing, consider supporting your underpaid student writer? Seriously, I’d adore you guys so much). https://ko-fi.com/rh27writer

[lovenliterature]

My thoughts on folklore

(all my personal stuff will be crossed out so u can skip if you want)

the 1

Giving me strong first love vibes

Highly vibe with thinking you’ve seen your ex when you haven’t, such a frequent experience

V much reminds me of Stan and like, its nice to imagine what could have been without disliking how things are

Like the line about how you should show if you want someone, prevents complacency and I like that, love is work and when you forget that inevitably it falls apart

It’s also kinda nice to realise how many things lead you to where you are - if one thing was different it would all change

Comfy reminiscence

Favourite lyric: in my defense, i have none/for digging up the grave another time

cardigan

feels quite a mature outlook on a relationship

V pragmatic

the first notes, straight into lyrics that just fill me with nostalgia

also like its not denying your feelings, you still feel like an old cardigan but you feel special AS that without changing

Peter losing Wendy is such a good line 10/10

Music vid gets points too tbh

Oof chasing shadows in the grocery line is high key relatable (literally being at uni with my ex anyone)

Stars around my scars now i’m bleeding feels like he’s distracting from the hurt he’s causing, he heals wounds while causing others god this is a mess

Favourite lyric: chase two girls, lose the one/when you are young, they assume you know nothing

the last great american dynasty

Probably one of the closest things to a bop on the album?

the font and background in the lyric vid are perfect

love the juxtaposition with the wedding was charming/if a little gauche and the parties were tasteful/if a little loud - it’s like she’s so close to being accepted but it’s always tinged with disapproval

Favourite lyric: either she stole his dog and dyed it key lime green or free of women with madness/their men and bad habits (the bridge is just stunning)

exile

god what do i even say about exile?? 

Made me fucking bawl my eyes out the first time I heard it

the two perspectives are just so relatable and heartbreaking 

Choosing Bon Iver to collab with?? Perfect, the voices mesh so well and its just gorgeous

the opening verse is very relatable and its so well articulated and Justin Vernon’s voice just really hits home 

the I gave so many signs is high key relatable and i really really feel that

Also just the concept of both of them being left with no home - 10/10, no breakup is seamless

Favourite lyric: like he’s just your understudy - it feels like you’re gonna jump right back in but you’re not, you’ve been recast

my tears ricochet

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace/And you're the hero flying around, saving face - big oooooof, such a good way of showing how victims are expected to be the bigger person and be grateful idk

‘Cause when I’d fight you used to tell me I was brave - This is so relatable, like whenever you cut ties/fall out with someone you love this is such a strong feeling, they’re usually the ones backing you up and now its them you’re fighting with and that’s hard to reconcile

the bridge!!! OMG!!

Favourite lyric: and I can go anywhere I want/Anywhere I want, just not home

mirrorball

Also one that’s close to a bop

And I’m still a believer and I don’t know why - I know its not about disillusionment with politics/humanity but for me it’s very much, I want to believe in the goodness of people but fuck it’s hard

Favourite lyric: you’re not like the regulars/the masquerade revellers

seven 

My favourite song literally from the second I heard it

Like the whole vibe is so very me

and though I can’t recall your face/I still got love for you

Very much reminds me of Sam, I can’t remember that much about him but I can remember how close we were and how important he was to me and I wish nothing but good for him 

Love you to the Moon and to Saturn - sounds like it was written for me at about 7, Saturn was my favourite planet and this was the kind of music I listened to at that age, just v nostalgic

Verse 2 is just my favourite part of the whole song, the melody, hiding in the closet, everything. That youthful naivety really makes me think of my friends when i was little. Even when i had problems with my own dad i desperately wanted to rationalise my friend’s dad’s anger to protect her and she practically did come live with us.

Favourite lyric: And we can be pirates/Then you won’t have to cry/Or hide in the closet

august

Wow this one has about a million and one different meanings for me

Summer fling, being used, reminds me of a CERTAIN SOMEONE, took place either side of August especially with the alcohol imagery

Whispers of are you sure? - first relationship, so good at making me comfortable, let me take the lead

Will you call when you’re back at school? - first relationship, long distance

I remember thinkin’ I had you, both situations, the non-relationship thinking it could be more and the relationship thinking I wasn’t gonna lose him

And I can see us twisted in bedsheets - first relationship, the first time we had sex and just the first times we were able to relax and be open with each other, really nice innocent memory

Favourite lyric: August sipped away like a bottle of wine

this is me trying

Back to December vibes

Also sad vibes, no fixing what you’ve fucked up but you’ve gotta try

I don’t wanna relate too hard because relating to it means thinking about things I can't fix

Favourite lyric: They told me all of my cages were mental/So I got wasted like all my potential

illicit affairs

Make sure nobody sees you leave/hood over your head, keep your eyes down 

Feeling of hiding and being hidden, not sustainable

You feel like you aren’t worth loving, aren’t worth people knowing you love them

A drug that only worked/the first few hundred times 

Hmmmm Patch who the fuck could this apply to????

Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me and For you, I would ruin myself

Value yourself higher boy but yes about a certain someone

Favourite lyric: And clandestine meetings and stolen stares/they show their truth one single time/but they lie and they lie and they lie

invisible string

Green was the colour of the grass/Where I used to read at Centennial Park juxtaposed with introducing him to Centennial Park - GORGEOUS, and highkey relatable

A string that pulled me/out of all the wrong arms, right into that dive bar - it’s always nice to see how relationships that didn’t work out can set you up for a better future

Favourite lyric: hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

mad woman

They strike to kill, and you know I will - yess bitch be angry

And there’s nothing like a mad woman - the notes and the delivery on woman give me CHILLS

The Pre-Chorus is gold, really relate to intensifying aspects of you that are criticised because yeah, fuck them

Favourite lyrics: No one likes a mad woman/what a shame she went mad/you made her like that

epiphany

Does this make me cry almost every time I hear it? Yes

The first verse being about war also makes me think about the mythologisation of healthcare workers as heroes, allowing governments to sacrifice them as martyrs

The melody of the whole song is gorgeous

Favourite lyric: Something med school did not cover/someone’s daughter, someone’s mother/holds your hand through plastic now

the medics are equipped to deal with the practicalities of treating people but not the emotions and not the feeling of not being able to help or even let someone die with their loved ones

betty

I am not sapphic but this gives me major sapphic vibes and I would die for betty 

Give betty all the rights

Such a nostalgic vibe, fearless/fifteen/white horse/love story sound and i am HERE FOR IT

Also lots of red references and i love that

Really like figment of my worst intentions, turns a usually somewhat positive image upside down

In front of all your stupid friends? - really dude?? You cheated on her and now you’re insulting her friends??? What the fuck

Will it patch your broken wings? is a pretty line though

Favourite lyric: Would you tell me to go fuck myself?

peace

Natural assumption is that it’s about finding peace with a partner, i really like that it’s the opposite, committing to a relationship despite the chaos, despite the lack of peace

But I would die for you in secret - in the age of social media knowing someone has your back whether or not others are watching is so important (yes this sounds very pretentious i just mean like knowing that you’ve got that person no matter what is so important)

Favourite lyrics: Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other/Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother

hoax

The vibe is just very calm and melancholy and i rate that

I am ash from your fire - this is such a good rep of toxic relationships, defined in relation to your partner, burnt by their bright flames, left behind

Favourite lyric: You knew it still hurts underneath my scars/from when they pulled me apart/but what you did was just as dark

[bonesthebeloved]

Absolutely nothing - Sanders sides short

Summary: Work based on the poem 'Absolutely nothing' which appears in 'the perks of being a wallflower'. A story about how somebody can lose their grip on happiness and how their friends don't notice

TRIGGER/SQUICK WARNING: Implied death/suicide. Self-loathing. Depressive thoughts. Heavvyyyy Roman angst. Hurt no comfort.

Word count: Idk man but its quite long.

-

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines, he wrote a poem And he called it 'Chops' because that was the name of his dog And that's what it was all about

Back when everything was bright and smiles were still genuine he had taken up writing. Little Thomas had learned just enough words for him to read a children's book and off Roman went, crayon in hand he scribbled the messy handwriting on a piece of printing paper, thinking long and hard before he wrote each line. Who knew that having to come up with rhymes was so hard!

He whispered the Poem into Thomas's ear in class when the teacher told them to write a story. The yellow paper a stark contrast to the white one Roman had used and the pencil not having the same effect as the colourful crayons had, but they made due and soon Thomas stuck his little hand in the air. Waving it around. Eager to show the teacher what he'd make.

And his teacher gave him an A and a gold star And his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts

The yellow paper hung proudly on the kitchen door that evening, Roman staring at it through Thomas his eyes and realising that 'that's something I helped made. I can make him feel happy like this!' He had gone and told Patton about it. Bouncing on his feet from excitement as he told him that 'Look Pat! Look at how happy I made him! I wanna do that all the time!'

Patton had laughed with him and told him that he could. And they had eaten cookies out of the jar and let Logan, who was the only one that was able to read well enough to do it out loud, read them a bedtime story.

The next few days Roman walked around with his chest puffed out. And Remus asked him why he was being so dramatic and he got excited again, showing his brother how he had made Thomas happy. Remus had called it dumb and then walked away to go see if he could steal a cookie out of the jar while Roman continued onto his day, chest slightly less puffed and smile a little less proud.

That was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo And he let them sing on the bus and his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair And his mother and father kissed a lot

Singing was another wonderful thing he found made Thomas happy when he made him do it too. And from that day on they kept on singing and dancing while Thomas his mother rolled her eyes and her friends called her son a little drama queen. And he watched his first Disney movie and Patton gifted Roman a stitch plushy that Roman put a little crown on and Remus found stupid.

And Thomas his little brother had animated conversations with his stuffed animals and his brother taught him how to fake being upset when he wanted something while his older brothers rolled their eyes and did their homework.

And the girl around the corner sent him a Valentine signed with a row of X's and he had to ask his father what the X's meant And his father always tucked him in bed at night And was always there to do it.

Roman had not felt comfortable intervening when a girl had asked Thomas to be his valentine and Patton had laughed and given him a sympathetic side hug while Logan looked on, brows knitted together in a very un-8-year-old manner. And Deceit was having a laughing fit as Thomas tried to think of an excuse as to why he couldn't accept, each lie more ridiculous as the previous one. And the newest addition to their group sat cross-legged on the floor, biting his nails anxiously as Remus looked at him from afar, very interested in how Anxiety would affect Thomas.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines, he wrote a poem And he called it 'Autumn' because that was the name of the season And that's what it was all about

This time the paper was white. Though the blue lines still didn't make a perfect copy of what Roman had written out in his head. It was messier in there that year. Doable. But messier. Thomas had gone to high-school and his bag was heavy.

And everybody was already complaining about the homework even though they hadn't gotten any yet. And Logan was excited for this new opportunity while Anxiety had left them to put his room in what they now called the dark side of the mind palace.

And their little group had become even more little because they had split in two, Deceit telling them that this was for the best while Roman and Remus yelled and yelled until Thomas asked his mother if he could try one of her sleeping pills to calm them all down.

And as autumn rolled around and poetry was a subject once more he had written three poems already and ran them all by Logan to make sure it was presentable before he decided to tell Thomas to write the one he had never let Logan proofread because he had written it the night before.

And his teacher gave him an A and asked him to write more clearly And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of its new paint And the kids told him that Father Tracy smoked cigars And left butts on the pews And sometimes they would burn holes

He watched as a newly thrown away bud lay on a yellow leaf and slowly burnt it away. The edges smouldering and slowly dissolving, leaving three corners and a little bit of ashes behind as he stepped inside, nose red from the cold near-winter breeze.

And Roman told him that it had looked beautiful. And Logan added that its a fascinating thing, giving Roman a pointed look telling him that he should stop doing something. He never knew what.

And Patton had refilled the cookie jar because it was always empty these days. And they sat crossed-legged on the carpet and told each other who their favourite teacher was and if they should get Deceit to stop make Thomas deny that he did have feelings for the black-haired boy in gym class.

That was the year his sister got glasses with thick lenses and black frames And the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus And the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot

Logan said that they must've heard the word gay before. Otherwise, he wouldn't have remembered it. Roman thought it meant happy while Anxiety had something else to say. He was around a lot these days

And Thomas and the girl around the corner were close friends, Patton encouraging the friendship while Virgil squeaked about all the red flag and Logan approved or either debunked them.

And his father never tucked him in bed at night And his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.

Thomas was too old to be put to bed now. That's what his parents had said as Roman took control. Clinging onto the stitch plushy as Patton slowly tried to pry him off the controls. "He is right we should confront the fact that we are not a small child anymore," was Logan his input and Thomas seemed to agree.

The next day all of his stuffed animals were in boxes and on their way to the homeless shelter. His mother said that it was fantastic that he had done such a kindhearted thing. He thanked her and worked hard to not cry in the next few days when he went to sleep and saw an empty bed.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook, he wrote a poem And he called it 'Innocence: A Question' because that was the question about his girl And that's what it was all about

College was harder for them all. Logan was overworking himself constantly and worked closely with Anxiety more often than not. And they had realised that Thomas was gay but these were scary times and an even scarier mindset and what if his parent were mad and what if the girl next door didn't want to talk to him anymore. They had started a relationship now. Years in the making and her taking all the first steps.

And focusing on putting out a good piece of poetry for his classes was hard so he had Logan do it. And Logan gave him a concerned look and told Roman to focus on the task at hand. And Deceit was around a lot these days and Patton had taken the cookie jar up to his room. And Roman felt stressed, but doing anything other than making Thomas sing his heart out in the shower and act along with songs when nobody was home, he felt powerless. Their interests had dropped to zero and Roman had had another screaming match but this time with Logan after he had proposed for them to start doing theatre instead of engineering. And Logan had yelled at him and told him to stop being so selfish. That Thomas was happy with this career path and that he should stop being so self-absorbed. And the others hadn't disagreed or stood up for him.

And his professor gave him an A and a strange steady look And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her

Roman had blamed Thomas his lack of confidence in the work he put out on Anxiety and had been told to stop blaming everything on the obvious target. And he hated it because they were right and he was the one that should be taking the blame because he had been so insecure about his work recently that it simply must've rubbed off on Thomas.

And he had written and rewritten the poem they had let Thomas hand in a hundred times over before letting him write it, each poem a bit different or completely variating from the original.

And he never showed the others because he knew it wouldn't matter and 'why would they care anyways Roman it's not like they actually like your work'.

And Thomas never showed his mother because what if she saw that it wasn't love. And what if she noticed and what if she hated it?

That was the year Father Tracy died And he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went And he caught his sister making out on the back porch And his mother and father never kissed or even talked

Former relationships had been abandoned when Patton drew back and Anxiety became a more prominent figure and Logan became colder and Deceit and the others started drifting away and Roman... Well, Roman was left sitting alone in the common room. Dinner that nobody would eat but him sat on seven plates on the dinner table while he stared at the place the cookie jar had once been. And the plates piled up each week until somebody got sick of them and cleaned them up.

And ideas stopped coming without having at least a pinch of sadness mixed through them and he knew that the other would yell at him if they would make the effort to actually look each other in the eye these days.

And the girl around the corner wore too much makeup That made him cough when he kissed her but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do

The relationship with the girl had continued and they didn't know how to get out of it anymore. Too much makeup and too little connection had wrapped themselves around Thomas like a viper about to strike. And when he finally had the confidence to tell her that 'I'm sorry I just don't think I'm... Into this.' he received a slap across the face and a foul word being screamed at him while they were standing way to close. And they broke up and Roman felt guilty because he should be the one to be able to save this. He should be the one making sure Thomas didn't get hurt and he expected everybody to be furious. But when he walked into the common room he was met with empty air and cold chairs. Nobody even there to do as much as glared at him.

And it was strange because while he had thought that nothing could hurt him more than their screams and disapproving stares. He quickly found out that just simple silence, ignoring him and each other and no confirmation or disapproval at all, hurt far worse than any comments had ever done.

And at 3am he tucked himself into bed his father snoring soundly.

Thomas would develop insomnia in those bad weeks which would make it difficult for him to sleep well into adulthood. And Roman was afraid to tell the others that he was the cause so he stayed quiet and stared at his ceiling while the seconds ticked by.

And he tossed and turned and hugged his stitch plushy close while the ceiling fan turned lazily and he counted the uneven dots on the ceiling time and time again. There were 743 of them.

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag he tried another poem

Now it was odd. A lot of things were these days. But it was truly odd. Because in truth he shouldn't be feeling this bad. But here he was, writing another poem that he would not show to Thomas this time around. No proof of reading. A simple poem written with black marker on the back of an old lunch bag he summoned to transport the cookies in he'd been wanting to give to Patton. He hadn't even reached the door to the fatherly traits room before he realised how stupid he was being, let the cookies clatter to the floor, broken pieces and crumbs spilling on the light wood, and making his way to his own room.

And he called it 'Absolutely Nothing'

He'd taken the longest shower he'd ever taken in his life. And though his skin was raw and burned from the scaling how water he still felt cold. And thinking back to how simple it had been. How easily they'd been able to fill his place, he felt even colder.

Because that's what it was really all about

He knew it was selfish and Logan would probably scowl at him for being overdramatic. But while his brother had a foot firmly lodged between his shoulder blades. Back protesting against the strain and he talked like nothing happened and like he wasn't standing on his brothers back, they had all communicated as if it was nothing. As if it was the easiest thing in the world to include him in their conversation while Roman thought back to how he hadn't been able to get even the shortest word in at their last debate and felt how cold overtook his body. Since then it hadn't left him and recently he had started to think how he might not want it to do so.

And he gave himself an A

He took the red permanent marker he'd taken with him together with the black one and drew a big fat A on the bag. A big middle finger to the teacher that had looked as if Thomas was insane when they handed him back his poem and an even larger one to his friends for making him feel like and F while his brother was there, a sparkly gold A pinned to his costume as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

and a slash on each damned wrist

He'd decided on it a long time ago already. That, if it all got too much for him he'd leave. How he hadn't known. And he still wasn't quite sure when he entered the bathroom thirty minutes ago, staring at his reflection with a stranger staring back at him.

Ducking out would be too easy. They'd just follow him. Well, he really wasn't quite sure if they would anymore. But it was a nice thought. Then there was running away into the imagination. Appealing, but if he were to die he'd just pop up in his own room again and he really did not want to risk getting caught sneaking back there.

So he settled on the most difficult and permanent option. Leaving the light side of the mind.

The dark side hadn't been inhabited for quite some time now. Even the dark sides found it terrifying and rather stayed in the uneventful middle then go anywhere near that place.

That was the only place in the imagination that they could actually die in. Well, die as much as a permanent trait could. There would be a new creativity. Freshly thought up and with none of the memories he had. A factory reset. Reincarnation. It almost sounded nice. Almost nice enough to distract him from the fact that, what he was about to do, was as close to suicide as a side could get.

And he hung it on the bathroom door

A deep breath as he pinned a note to explain the situation on the door. Eyes closed as he felt himself sink down and rise up for the very last time. The darkness grabbing onto him and twirling around him like vines, pulling him in further. Away from the light.

It shouldn't have come to this. That thought struck him as he felt his consciousness slip away from him slowly. It really shouldn't have.

But then, he shouldn't have been able to feel all of this either. To feel it so intensely. To feel their friendship and interest slip away from him. To feel the pleasant memories fade into the background, the bad ones remaining with their sharp edges and cutting his ties further.

He exhaled slowly. 'they'll be okay.' he thought. And that would be the last thought that Roman 'creativity' Sanders would have before a brand new version of the same trait with a different name and thought the pattern would open his eyes in an unfamiliar room.

because this time he didn't think he could reach the kitchen.

-

Tags: @purp-man @sapphire-knight @ragingdumpsterfiremess @that-random-ace

[amphtaminedreams]

To All the Characters I’ve Overly Identified with Before: Borderline Personality Disorder and Attachment to Fictional Characters

It’s been a month, and I’m still not over how Game of Thrones ended. I’m still not over the way that a character who, throughout the previous seventy something episodes of the show, was only ever ruthless towards people who were deserving of her wrath (within the context of westerosi justice because let’s not forget everyone’s favourite man of honour Ned Stark decapitated a young man for running for his life in the first episode), suddenly massacred a whole city in the penultimate episode. I’m not over the way that writers who spent the previous seasons showing that they were capable of translating the moral ambiguity of George R.R Martin’s characters from page to screen, got lazy and left us with a character whose actions became impossible to defend right as the show was ending. I’m not over the way that such a beautifully complex character who endured so much hurt and trauma was reduced to nothing more than a “crazy woman” by a couple of male writers in her final moments. I’m not over the fact that Emilia Clarke put her heart and soul into the character and did everything she could to bring Daenerys Targaryen to life for David Benioff and Dan Weiss to both literally and figuratively assassinate her.

I think those feels have been felt by a lot of Game of Thrones fans since the show ended. God knows I’ve watched enough youtube video essays and read enough articles and liked enough tweets reiterating the sentiment. Daenerys Targaryen was, in my opinion, the best character on Game of Thrones. I wasn’t angry because she didn’t end up sitting on the throne (though my boy Drogon made sure nobody else ever would either and I guess I can get behind that), I was angry because all the balance that made her character so great was thrown out the window in order to progress the story of her male counterpart and bring a show that probably could’ve done with another 2 seasons to an end. Dany has always had a dark side, she is the “fire” that the title of the book series refers to, but throughout the show, we’ve never seen her indulge that side to the point of no return. We’ve seen her wrestle with it and use it to exact punishment on those who deserve it when needs be, and that was part of what I liked about her. Not to go all feminist essay on anyone’s ass but we don’t usually get to see women in TV who are celebrated for their powers of intimidation, and I liked how prior to season 8, the narrative never made female characters like Dany or Arya or Brienne out to be monsters for killing people the same way that basically every single man on the show did at one point or another. I liked that sometimes she was a little excessive because it made sense, she did have “dragon” in her, and she still had lines she wouldn’t cross, clear values and principles; she fought for the innocent, for women and for children, and for freedom. On a personal level, I loved her because we watched her go from a lonely, scared and vulnerable girl to a strong, ambitious and self-assured woman and that was a trajectory I wanted to relate to.

And then all of a sudden, without any justification or build up at all, she’s a mass murderer of the same “downtrodden” people she always claimed to fight for. Fuck, I’m thinking. I literally watched that episode through my hands because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. When I say I cried on and off for about 3 days after I watched the final episode, I’m not exaggerating; I only need to see a screen cap now a month later or an interview with Emilia Clarke and I’m off again. It literally felt as if I was mourning the loss of a real person. But this isn’t the first time I’ve had this kind of attachment to a character. Daenerys Targaryen was probably just the last in a long list of women I overly identified with.

I’m not much like her at all really, I’ve burnt myself from taking the film off my microwaved lasagne and not moving my thumb away from the hot air in time (lmao), however, I think I saw parts of myself in her journey and traits that I wanted to have, thus, I latched on. Before Daenerys Targaryen there was Spencer Hastings and before her there was Cassie Ainsworth and then if we’re gonna throw it all the way back, there was Hermione Granger (and some other characters I was more mildly obsessed with along the way, Katniss Everdeen, Bree Van de Kamp and Cosima Niehaus, I’m looking at you). I still love all those characters now but when their respective shows or films were actually current, I was completely obsessed. I spent my 16th birthday at the Harry Potter studios on the outskirts of London with my family, forget birthday parties or meals out with my friends. I wished more than anything that I had 2 best friends that loved me unconditionally and I did my best to emulate that drive and intelligence and work ethic everyone associates with Hermione. I told myself I was just like her even though I lacked the confidence to put my hand up in all but one of my classes and last time I checked, was just trying to conquer GCSEs not fight an evil wizard snaked hybrid man or whatever Voldemort is.  I identified with the loneliness and the need for control that I saw in Cassie, and was like “oH eM GeE, tHat’s sO mE!” at Spencer’s perfectionism. When I was speeding for my exams (and then, unfortunately, for long after), I felt spiritually connected to that whole Pretty Little Liars arc where Spencer started popping adderall on the daily even though I could really only wish for someone to care about me enough to stalk me like A did and the worst possible outcome of my all nighter was not taking in enough content to bullshit my way through a 30 marker.

They would understand me, they would be my friend. They represent me. That was the baseline sentiment of my obsession. And I think that’s the borderline part of me jumping out. See, such a huge part of BPD is feeling unwanted and misunderstood and forgettable and really, deeply lonely.  Like it’s a kind of loneliness I think you feel like an actual person can never really fulfil because the (faulty and not necessarily reflective of reality) thought pattern is that they’ll lose interest and leave you sooner or later. Fictional characters are always there, until the show gets cancelled or the character gets killed off, at least, and then comes the completely disproportionate tidal wave of grief. They exist in a different world too, a one that feels a lot less dangerous (even if it’s actually way more dangerous, I mean I really wouldn’t last five fucking minutes in Westeros) and detached from the often chronically muted reality of BPD.

Then there’s the trouble with the sense of self, part and package of BPD for most, which facilitates, you know, thinking that a genius witch or, like, any character in skins (because in hindsight as great as that show was, WHY DO NONE OF THEM HAVE JOBS YET SEEMINGLY AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF DRUGS AND PARENTS THAT NEVER SEEM TO CARE WHERE THE HELL THEY ARE!?) resembles you as a person in any way. Though I suppose I’m learning recently as I begin to reflect more on what I enjoy and value, I’ve never had much more than a vague idea of what my positive qualities are, so when I saw them fully realised in a character it was a treasure trove of mannerisms and traits and ways of carrying oneself to adopt. It becomes a mould into which you can squeeze the ball of meh-ness and uncertainty you feel you resemble. Now I’m realising that although it might take me a little more time and a lot more effort, it’s much more rewarding to become the very best version of myself, but back then, I suppose I didn’t recognise why I was doing what I was doing. 

I only got diagnosed with BPD and started learning about it when it was 19, so all the years before that were pretty much spent unaware of the reasons why I had these quirks. As I “recover” (I suppose that’s the right word) and I get back into hobbies and spend more time with friends, I feel like I’m beginning to discover more and more of who I am. I’m starting to accept that there are positive things about me and plenty of things for people to like, right here in this world, not some fictional one.

I still love characters way too much and get overly attached and invested in TV shows but even that doesn’t necessarily have to be something to be ashamed of. When I’ve got into *ahem* discussions with people online about characters before, I’ve occasionally gotten the “why do you care so much, it’s not real life!” in response, and I mean, there’s definitely a point to be made if your passion for something is causing you to lash out at real life people with real life feelings. But when you’re not, when it can give you hours of discussion and entertainment and can drive you to make real positive changes in the world too, what’s wrong with passion? There’s nothing I love more than having a conversation with someone who I can tell really loves what they’re talking about, so why should I be ashamed of having the capacity to become deeply invested in things too? I think as long as it’s not taking over my life as I have allowed it to do so in the past, there’s nothing wrong with having passion for fictional things or for anything, for that matter. As long as it’s not something fucked up, like idk, white supremacy or Rick and Morty (JOKING). 

I don’t regret loving all the things I loved because being a huge Harry Potter fan for so many years did give me an escape when I absolutely hated myself and couldn’t find much enjoyment in real life. I hope that if I do have children one day, they’ll love it too, maybe not quite as much as I did but enough for it to give them all the joy it gave me, all the same. So in summary, yeah, fuck David Benioff and Dan Weiss (lmao, I’m joking, they’re just shitty original screenplay writers who could probably do with a class or two on how to write female characters), but also, understand before you make fun of someone for being overly invested in something that there’s probably a good reason for it and that, at the end of the day, they’re usually not hurting anyone. I’ll probably still be stanning Daenerys Targaryen and pretending season 8 episode 5 didn’t happen until the day I die. Let me live, okay?

Lauren x

[gamerwoo]

[EXO Imprinted] Minseok: Actions Speak Louder

@smut-wars asked: Okay Rocket I challenge you to a Minseok imprinted series pretty please ❤❤❤

Characters: Minseok x mute!female reader (featuring Exo)

Genre/warnings: werewolf au, slice of life, fluffy fluff

Word count: 3,090

Summary: Being born with a vocal organ deficiency, you always ran into problems with being unable to speak. But after running into Minseok a year ago, life suddenly started to get easier.

a/n: first installment of the Exo Imprinted series!!!! idk if I’ll make this ot9 or ot12 though so uhhh lmk what y’all want ig???? BUT ANYWAY, sentences in bold are things being signed by reader, aaaand this really doesn’t have any plot its just some slice of life and some backstory shit ok enjoy (this also wasn’t looked over by anybody so uhhh lets hope it’s not awful and that the spelling mistakes are minimal lmao).

Next | Imprinted Masterlist

A shake from a warm hand on your shoulder was what woke you up from one of the best dreams you’d had in a while -- you’d been having really weird dreams lately but you weren’t sure why.

“C’mon, _____,” Minseok whisper-sang. “Wake uuuup.”

You shook your head before burying your face deeper into the pillows.

“You’re gonna be late,” he sighed, shaking you a little bit faster.

You didn’t even have the motivation to roll over and sign for him to let you sleep for five more minutes, so you just stayed where you were.

“I’ll get Chanyeol up here if I have to,” he threatened, his lips close to your ear.

You slowly pushed yourself to sit up, your eyes still closed and your brows pulled together. You looked in the direction of Minseok before slowly opening your eyes to look at him, your head lolled to the side as you glared.

You’re the worst.

He giggled with a nod, kissing your temple, “Ah, I know. Get ready for class.”

It was at the very university that you still attended that you met Minseok. He worked in the student center, and you were sent there to get extra help. It was hard for you to get extra help in class when you couldn’t verbally ask, so professors and other students would just skip over you. Besides, none of them seemed to be able to understand sign language anyway.

Minseok wasn’t the one to help you, but he observed you. From the moment he first saw you across the room, he knew what was happening. He was a bit relieved he was the first to imprint since he was the oldest, but he was also nervous because nobody else in his pack had imprinted before. He had only heard stories of what it was supposed to be like, and while he knew the worst that could happen was just that you’d reject him, it still made him afraid. He could die if that happened. And considering you didn’t seem to speak at all, he figured that only made his chances of success even worse.

Either way, you were his mate, and he was determined to find any way he could to make things work. So the first thing he did was look up how to sign ‘hello, my name is Minseok’ -- he knew you could clearly hear him, but he wanted to do something to impress you and make you like him a bit more, and he’d have to be able to understand you. Of course, then he’d also have to figure out how to sign ‘I don’t know sign language’ so you’d know you couldn’t actually have a full conversation with him -- yet. But hey, it would be a start!

When that cute boy with the bright smile sat down across from you while you waited from your tutor, and he signed what he had practiced, you really almost cried. Your smile was so wide you had to cover your face, and that only made him smile more.

“I’m sorry I don’t know more,” he said sheepishly, “but I wanted to try. I’ll keep practicing, though.”

Just that promise alone made your heart flutter.

Of course, after telling his pack about his mate, Minseok insisted everybody else learn so they could understand you when the time came. He was starting to feel more confident about his rate of success, so he planned on taking you home to meet his pack at some point.

“Why can’t she talk?” Junmyeon wondered.

“I--” Minseok suddenly stopped. Realization hit -- he had no idea why you couldn’t speak. He never even asked! “I...have no idea...”

��Good job, hyung,” Baekhyun snorted.

The next day, Minseok went back to the student center to find you. He sat down at your same table as you waited for your tutor, and flashed you a warm smile, “Hello again.”

You waved shyly, happy to see the nice stranger once again.

“You know,” he began, “I did never get your name.”

You flipped open your notebook and scribbled down your name before sliding the book over to him. He read it aloud with a smile before looking at you again, “It’s pretty.”

Your cheeks turned pink, and you timidly signed thank you.

“I know that!” Minseok exclaimed excitedly, proud he was able to recognize a sign. You silently laughed at his outburst, and he cleared his throat and tried to compose himself again. “Sorry... I’ve been trying to learn what things mean since you don’t seem to have anybody else to talk to. That’s...not weird, is it?”

You shook your head with a smile.

“Can I ask you something a little weird, then?” he asked. “I don’t mean to sound rude by it, either.”

You already knew what was coming. He wanted to know why you didn’t speak. You wrote it on paper, explaining you had a birth defect with your vocal organs. Your parents never had the money to fix it, and at this point, you didn’t see a point in trying to.

Minseok read over it, nodding slowly, but then just carried on with the conversation as normal. He didn’t treat you like a child like most people did, and he didn’t seem to change your opinion of you. You decided you did really like Minseok.

Over the next few months, Minseok learned more and more sign language. The two of you started having full conversations with you having to write things down for him less and less. So, he eventually became your new tutor because it was easier. You were always writing what you wanted to say to your old tutor, and Minseok just seemed to get you better.

It was around that time that Minseok said he wanted to have a serious conversation with you. The two of you had been on a few dates, but there was no title to the relationship. You hoped that maybe this “serious conversation” would be making your relationship official, as you really liked Minseok, but you also didn’t want to get your hopes up.

It was partly that. He explained the whole werewolf thing, and the imprinting thing. To his surprise, you took it amazingly well, but he just figured it was because you could relate to being born differently. He was really sure you’d lose it when he dropped the “we mate for life” thing on you, but all you did was let out a very airy giggle and sign my parents will be so proud that I already have a husband lined up’. He really liked your sense of humor.

But you’d learned early on in life to roll with the punches, so that’s what you did.

And a year later, here you were: on your second to last year of college, and still dating Minseok.

As you wandered down the stairs to the kitchen, all dressed for class -- and Minseok dressed for work -- you all but ran straight into Baekhyun who was bolting up the stairs. He quickly came to a halt, grabbing you by your arms before you could collide with him.

“Hey, _____,” he chuckled.

Where’s the fire?

He playfully rolled his eyes, blowing some hair out of his face, “Jinri’s still not up.”

Alarm?

He just snorted, quickly moving out of the way to continue up the stairs, “Bold of you to assume she set an alarm.”

You just raised your eyebrows and carried on down the stairs.

Jinri was a nice girl that Baekhyun had imprinted on only a few months ago, but she was a lot like you where she wasn’t what the average person would consider “normal”. She had a difficult time distinguishing between people, and nobody quite knew why that was. With that came a lot of anxieties when it came to talking to people that she even knew well, and she tended to get depressed. But Baekhyun seemed to help her well, and she could always at least differentiate between him and everybody else.

As you turned into the kitchen, you found only Minseok, Junmyeon, and Sehun were awake. Junmyeon was fixing breakfast, Minseok was getting him and you some coffee, and Sehun had his head down on the breakfast bar. You knew that the three wolves had obviously heard you enter, but you knocked twice on the doorway just out of habit.

“Morning, _____,” Junmyeon looked over his shoulder and flashed you a bright smile. “Did you sleep well?”

You shook your head and made a face directed at your mate’s back.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he scolded softly.

You shook your head.

I still don’t know how he does that.

“None of us do,” Junmyeon laughed. “Even Baek always seems to know when Jinri is making faces at him behind his back. I suppose it’s just a mate thing.”

“I have eyes on the back of my head,” Minseok stated as he turned around and walked toward you with two travel mugs. He handed one to you. “C’mon, let’s get going. You’ll be late, and I have a nap to take in my car. Sehunnie, let’s go.”

“Let’s not,” the younger wolf groaned, but he stood up from the stool anyway. “Bye, hyung.”

“Have a good day, guys!” Junmyeon called as the three of you left the kitchen.

In the car, you always got shotgun when Minseok was driving. He’d drive with one hand, keeping the other in your lap in case you wanted to talk to him. He obviously couldn’t take his eyes off the road to watch your hands, so he’d feel what you were signing with his free hand. It was a difficult thing for him to learn -- there were so many things he got wrong at first, which only made you laugh in odd-sounding wheezes and gasps -- but he was a pro at it now.

Can we stop for breakfast?

“No,” Minseok told you as he backed out of the driveway.

“No what?” Sehun asked.

“No nothing,” Minseok mumbled. “If I tell you, you’ll beg, too.”

Sehun crossed his arms over his chest, pouting out the window as he grumbled, “I hate third-wheeling you two.”

-

The day went by as boringly normal as always. By the time you got home, though, you were exhausted. But could you rest immediately? Of course not.

“C’mon, you have to study for this test next week,” Minseok nagged, trying to drag you out of bed -- you both knew he was holding back because he really could get you out of bed without even putting in that much effort.

You shook your head as you laid on your back, squeezing your eyes closed.

Be quiet, the baby is sleeping.

Minseok rolled his eyes, “The only baby here is you.”

Exactly.

“Yah, _____,” he whined, finally scooping you up in his arms and carrying you over to the desk. “Come on, only for two hours.”

‘Only for’, as if two hours is not a long period of time.

“I could make it three,” he threatened as he sat down in the desk chair with you in his lap.

Are you my father now?

“Yes,” he deadpanned, making you smile and shake your head. He opened up your textbooks that he’d already taken out of your bag beforehand, and opened to the page you last left off at. “If you finish this whole section, I’ll take you out for ice cream.”

The rolled kind?

He nodded, “The rolled kind.”

Minseok’s head rested on your shoulder as he helped you through your work. He kept his hands palm-up on the table as he read through the textbook and your notes just so you could talk while he read, and he could “hear” you while he tried to get caught up on what you had learned that day. He was fantastic at multitasking -- which, of course, took a bit of time at first.

While you jotted down in the margins of your notebook, Minseok took your freehand, absentmindedly peppering kisses over your knuckles while his eyes continued to scan the textbook pages. It was a habit he often did, and it always made you blush every single time. But you were still dead set on that ice cream, so you tried not to let it distract you.

As soon as you finished the page, you slammed your textbook closed and tossed your fists in the air in triumph, a bright smile on your face. Minseok turned to look at you with an amused smile and a chuckle, his eyes traveling all the way up to your hands before settling on your face again.

“Done?”

You nodded eagerly.

“Alright,” he sighed, standing up from the chair, “I’ll go put my contacts in, and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

While Minseok went to the bathroom to put in some brown contacts -- the amount of money those boys went through in a month just for colored contacts was insane -- you immediately went downstairs to put your shoes on. Of course, you were stopped by a chuckling Yixing who had just walked through the door when you almost crashed into him.

“Whoa, where’re you going?” he asked as he made sure your footing was stable.

Ice cream!

Yixing’s smile widened, “It’s amazing how the two mates in the house are so opposite of each other.”

You had to admit that while you were very excitable and cheery, Baekhyun’s mate was...well, not. Jinri was sweet, of course, but she definitely had a bite to her. It didn’t mean she was mean, she could just get snappy if she felt like nobody was listening to her or if she was frustrated. But you couldn’t blame her for being frustrated, especially with her having a hard time recognizing people. You even got frustrated a lot -- especially when you first moved in and hardly anybody remembered to look at you to ‘hear’ you.

“Where is Minseok anyway?” Yixing wondered, expecting the older werewolf to be attached to your hand like always.

Upstairs. He has to put in his contacts.

“It sure is taking him a lot--”

“Ow! Chanyeol!” you heard your mate whine from upstairs.

You turned just in time to see Chanyeol running down the hall, away from the bathroom as he giggled, “Sorry, hyung!”

“--longer...” Yixing concluded with an amused eyebrow quirk.

You saw Minseok emerge from the bathroom, one hand covering his left eye as he pouted over at you and Yixing by the door, “Chanyeol made me poke my eye.”

Again?

“Yes, again,” he groaned.

Are you able to drive?

Since Yixing was standing behind you, he didn’t see you ask the question, so he repeated, “Are you alright to drive? If not, I have no problem driving you and _____.”

Minseok chuckled at the little face you made after hearing Yixing ask the same thing you did, “Yeah, I’ll be alright.”

Your mate made his way down the stairs, finally uncovering his eye and blinking a few times. When he got closer, you held his face between your hands and looked into it, but it looked pretty normal to you.

“Am I gonna make it?” he asked in a baby voice, looking at you with wide eyes and his lower lip jutted out.

You giggled silently, playfully whacking his arm.

“Alright, let’s go,” he grinned, nodding toward the door. “See ya, Yixing.”

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Yixing called over his shoulder.

Minseok paused in the doorway with a smirk, “Where’s the fun in that?”

And then he shut the door.

-

You and Minseok sat on a bench just outside the ice cream shop, watching as people walked by. It was a little difficult having a two-way conversation when you needed to your hands to eat, so Minseok talked about his day, rambled on about his thoughts, and basically said whatever came to mind. You just listened, but you enjoyed hearing him speak.

“Actually, something I thought of this morning,” he began, switching topics suddenly, “was babies.”

You paused as you were about to put some ice cream in your mouth, glancing over at your boyfriend out of the corner of your eye.

He giggled at your reaction, shaking his head, “Don’t look at me like that!”

You closed your mouth, a smirk forming on your lips as you slowly set your cup of ice cream down on the table.

“_____-ah!” he laughed. “No, listen -- it’s because I had this dream last night that--”

So you dreamed about having kids?

“Can I talk?” he joked.

You can, but I can’t.

He sighed, “I should’ve seen that one coming. I swear, sometimes your jokes are worse than Junmyeon’s. But anyway, as I was saying. So I had this dream that we had this little two-year-old and everybody in the pack loved her so much, and then when I woke up all I could think about was having a kid around in the house. I feel like everybody would get very... Ah, what’s the word...?”

Soft?

“Yeah,” he laughed with a nod. “But, I was also thinking about how I can’t wait to have our own kids in real life. Let me tell you, our son was adorable.”

We had a son? What did he look like? What did he act like? What was his name?

Now, even you were excited, signing question after question as Minseok just giggled at you. You would even start signing one question, and then stop in the middle and switch to a new one. Minseok always said you were stuttering when you did that.

“Yah, finish your ice cream before it melts,” he told you, nodding to your half-finished cup.

You let out a quiet sigh, picking up the cup and spoon to continue eating. As you ate your ice cream, you listened to Minseok continue to tell you about the future that he wanted to have with you -- that he was going to have with you -- and you listened happily to it all.

It was hard to believe that a year ago, you never thought you’d be happy with anybody. It was hard for you to communicate with anybody, and nobody ever really took the time to learn to talk to you except for your immediate family, and the few close friends you had. But now that you had Minseok, the happy future you used to think to be a fantasy actually felt like it could be a reality.

[tespuco]

PotC Liveblog: Dead Man’s Chest

I’d been looking forward to rewatching DMC for some time. It was the movie that canonized my OTP and inspired so many amazing Sparrabeth fics. I fondly recalled seeing it in theaters with my family, my eyes and shipper heart growing bigger and wider with every subtext-laden appearance of Jack’s compass. I remembered feeling personally betrayed by Elizabeth’s death-kiss, like the writers had deliberately buoyed my hopes only to ruthlessly crush them. Unlike CotBP, I had only seen DMC once before, and I couldn’t wait to appreciate the complicated Jack/Elizabeth dynamic with more mature eyes.

Boy, was I disappointed. Not by the Sparrabeth, thank the gods, but by literally everything else.

Is it just me or was this movie composed of a bunch of standalone scenes and set pieces strung together? Did they bring in Tim Burton just to direct the visuals of the interrupted wedding scene? Why does the Turkish prison sequence look like the opening cutscene to a high fantasy RPG videogame with the brightness setting turned down to zero?

OK I laughed at Jack popping out of the coffin and using a femur as a paddle, but I’m confused about everything else

Oh look, the crew’s on the verge of mutiny again, and this time it is Jack’s fault

Listen, I have Ted Elliott’s compass meta tattooed on my heart, but in retrospect the “Why is all the rum gone?” scene was probably too subtle. The audience doesn’t even know at this point how the compass is supposed to work. Maybe if they had the balls to actually include the deleted Sparrabeth scenes in CotBP, Jack’s emotional turmoil wouldn’t have seemed so opaque!

Still, a character being Vexed about their affections/feelings and doing a poor job of managing that vexation is my idea of high romance

(and both Jack and Elizabeth are quite vexed with each other indeed)

I CANNOT believe I had to sit through an uninterrupted half hour of racist filler that does absolutely fuck-all to advance the plot while ticking at least four boxes on my postcolonial bingo card what the fucking fuck

Let’s tally the cinematic sins: unfunny physical comedy in a style that would’ve been more suited to animation; indigenous cannibals speaking in unrealistic, buffoonish gibberish; said cannibals worshiping our hero (and later a dog) as a deity; and worst of all--

All the brown men that Gibbs hired as extras additional crew for the Black Pearl in DMC were put into a separate cage from the recurring white characters from CotBP (btw Anamaria is absent without even a throwaway line of explanation) because apparently even barbaric islanders know and practice segregation

And so segregated, the crew enters the stupidest, most contrived rat race up a cliffside with each other that ends with the brown people’s cage falling into the ravine THEREBY GETTING RID OF ALL THE CHARACTERS OF COLOR IN ONE FELL SWOOP

Also egregious racism aside, I’m put off by the film’s rather cavalier attitude towards gratuitous loss of life? Idk I feel like in the midst of all the action and adventure CotBP knew how to handle death and violence with the appropriate modicum of gravity and horror

Meanwhile on the island Gibbs is just like “oiya we’re standing in cages built from the bones of our former shipmates ha ha”

As for Jack - Jack has yet to save a cat or anything else besides his own skin, so he’s rapidly losing the goodwill he accumulated in the first film

holy shit yet another Elizabeth Swann-related realization about my sexual awakening: her look as a cross-dressing stowaway - pretty, delicate features in a boyish, flat-chested, slender form - is literally my sexuality 

She’s literally pulling the strings of all the men on that ship! What a puppet-master queen

Tia Dalma’s interest in Will and the “touch of destiny” line is an interesting bit of foreshadowing that doesn’t get any payoff in this film. DMC and AWE have been criticized for being impossible to watch as standalone films, but I think there’s something to be said for a universe that strives for internal continuity and demands more than a casual investment in its proceedings (a related but distinct model from the MCU)

If you gave me half a reason to I would ship Jack Sparrow with anybody and everybody. Look at the flirtatious lines and looks he exchanges with Tia Dalma!! Give me that story! (Actually, artaxastra did, twice: once in her standalone Creole!Jack origin story, And All of Them True, and once again in Gods and Heroes, a Jack/Calypso interlude in her Outlaws and Inlaws ‘verse)

Tia Dalma’s acceptance (and release) of Jack’s payment for her services tells me two things about her that I really like: (1) she’s like a magpie that collects interesting miscellany (witty tricksters, cunning pirate lords, undead monkeys). and (2) she’s not interested in caging creatures (the foreshadowing!!)

FINALLY WE GET SOME JACK/ELIZABETH INTERACTION

God bless Keira’s face and acting choices!! The chemistry!! All the little smiles and smirks they share!!

How doth she look at thee? Let me count all the ways: her amused, tentatively credulous smile at Jack’s storytelling and posturing over a magical compass and chest, while Norrington scoffs disbelievingly in the background; her having to bite her lips and walk away before Jack notices her giddiness because she literally cannot handle their flirting; her little laugh as he gently rebuffs the idea that he’s a good man

Also “I have faith in you. Both of you,” were her parting words to Will and here she gets a chance to tell Jack in person yay

Their little dance of “persuasion” is hot and all (Jack literally looks like he has to bite back a groan and whimper), but I’m really here for the banter (“Friendly?” / “Decidedly not.”); they get each other, and, under the right conditions, can communicate so effortlessly

“Why doesn’t your compass work?” - alright so ofc I love the legendary “curiosity” exchange, but I’m so confused by the abrupt transition in their conversation here? Like why didn’t she follow through and tug on that line of inquiry?? The “Because you and I are alike” line that follows makes no logical sense in context (ETA: I guess it could suggest that Elizabeth already knows why the compass doesn't work for him, because he's torn between doing the right thing and the selfish thing... But at this point she doesn't suspect him of lying to her, so...idek)

“You’d never put me in a position that would compromise my honor” - my god what a TEASE my queer heart

Oh, Norrington, what’s happened to you?? What happened to serving others, not just himself?? :(( It kinda confuses me that he goes on about the “dark side of ambition” and the “promise of redemption” when he’s the one who voluntarily resigned from his post...

Norrington carrying both shovels while Jack just poses prettily though lol

JACK’S COMPASS FINALLY WORKS FOR HIM BECAUSE THE TWO THINGS HE WANTS MOST IN THE WORLD--THE CHEST AND ELIZABETH--ARE IN THE SAME PLACE AND HE KNOWS IT

idk I guess some people find the three-way swordfighting scene hilarious but I’m with Elizabeth on this one: men are stupid 

ugh this script makes no sense

I’m so fucking confused by the narrative logic here: if Jones is dead, there’s no one to call off the Kraken?? But isn’t Jones the one calling the Kraken in the first place, to settle Jack’s debt? So if they killed Jones, wouldn’t the debt be null and void? NO JONES, NO KRAKEN, DUUUH.

OK but Jack is really unlikable in this film, last-minute “heroic” acts notwithstanding. Give me fix-it fics please

I mean it’s rather telling that by the time Jack returns to the Pearl there are only enough survivors to fill a single longboat. Oh yes he “saved them all” - the few that were left!!

This script has more holes in it than the Pearl does right now: everyone unquestioningly follows Will’s orders like he’s the captain (what happened to the dork who shouted, “Aye! Avast!”?? And there’s no evidence that since his engagement post-CotBP he’s practiced any sailing)

I mean it’s like no one but Elizabeth even noticed Jack was gone; the moment he comes back Gibbs chirps, “Captain, orders?” as if he never left. This coward just abandoned you all!!!

“It’s only a ship, mate.” - This is actually just the saddest line, and I’m glad Elizabeth was there to witness it because if there’s one thing she took away from their fireside conversation in CotBP it’s that the Black Pearl is more than a ship to Jack; what it really is is freedom, and here Jack’s set to lose both

And that’s what Elizabeth--not the Kraken--definitively takes from Jack: his freedom. Not just his ability to run away from his fate, but also the chance to take a stand and face it. (I like to think that, more than the murderous act itself, is what he finds so hard to forgive post-DMC. The darker Jack in salr323′s oneshot, Perfidy, written post-AWE, articulates this eloquently: “You know nothing of my debt, love, nor of my payment. But had you allowed me a nobler death, my account might have been lighter.”) His last act of defiance entails reclaiming what choice he has left: slipping slickly out of his shackles, hat on, “hello beastie,” into the monster’s maw.

Ugh they could have given Jack’s whole arc with Davy Jones such PATHOS instead of waiting until the very end--he struck a deal with the devil in all his youth and despair and hubris; now the bell is tolling and he realizes 13 years is nothing, no time at all, and he’s not ready to die; not today, not ever--yes it’s selfish and dishonorable (Will’s willing to square the debt of a father he hardly ever knew; he wouldn’t have blinked at paying his own) but how human is that? to fight and run even as the flames lick your heels? 

omg Jack is the jackrabbit

The irony of that eulogy still gives me feelings tho: “Guess that honest streak finally won out.” Elizabeth wrested away Jack’s control over his own story, so now she has to write it for him. When she toasts, “He was a good man,” it’s in both unearned homage and recompense. 

“And the world is a little less bright.” - OK but that’s too much. Moving words from Gibbs, but here it’s like he’s speaking directly to/for the audience, and not in a good way. It’s too obviously meta, and especially out of place in a film where Jack did not shine very bright at all

In-universe, it’s not very believable that two pirates like Pintel and Ragetti--who mutinied against Jack before, without a hint of remorse!--would now risk their lives to save him

Honestly if Disney wanted to include familiar faces/fan favorites in the supporting cast for AWE, they could’ve easily written a more realistic line like, “what the hell do we have to lose?” or some more selfish motive, none of these panegyrics

btw who are the native people standing in the swampwater? holding candles with mournful tears in their eyes?? no seriously who are they??? (I dearly hope such a striking tableau was meant to hint at Jack’s history with Tia Dalma and the residents of this bayou, but the more cynical part of me thinks: “Now hiring: extras of color, to play the part of human candlesticks lit in exaltation of an ambiguously white man” The writers get no benefit of the doubt from me after forcing me to sit through that cannibal island act)

It sounds sadistic of me but seeing how anguished Elizabeth is after claiming she’s not sorry gives me life

She keeps crying, and can’t even bring herself to drink Tia Dalma’s concoction against cold and sorrow! She just fakes a sip, which is such a great little character beat, because it shows she doesn’t think she deserves the remedy! She’ll just have to live with it...

That is, until Will decides he can’t stand the sight of her grief, and opens up Pandora’s box for her despite just catching her passionately kissing another man: “If there was anything to be done to bring him back, Elizabeth...” He really is too good for this world

And Elizabeth MUST know there’s a price, that she’d be staking not just her own life and happiness but her betrothed’s, and yet selfishly, always selfish, she says, “Yes” 

BARBOSSA!!! Still the most epic character reveal ever. I still remember the theater bursting into gasps and applause, good times

[uneven-odds]

weird asks that say a lot

@promisedmistake asked me to answer these, thx love <3  1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? - coffee mugs. 2. chocolate bars or lollipops? - chocolate bars. 3. bubblegum or cotton candy? - bubblegum. 4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? -a fast learner, is easy to distract, friendly, ambitious and a good student. 5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? - soda cans .6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? - formal. 7. earbuds or headphones? - earbuds. 8. movies or tv shows? - tv shows. 9. favorite smell in the summer? - rain. 10. game you were best at in p.e.? - völkerball.  11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? -cereal or yogurt, a cup (or two) of coffee and sometimes orange juice.  12. name of your favorite playlist? - I have a few playlists but they are all untitled. 13. lanyard or key ring? - key ring. 14. favorite non-chocolate candy? - cookies (idk don´t really have one) 15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? - the great gatsby by F.S.Fitzgerald 16. most comfortable position to sit in? - cross-legged. 17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? - converse. 18. ideal weather? - cold and rainy. 19. sleeping position? - on my stomach with one hand underneath me and one beside my head. 20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? - note book. 21. obsession from childhood? - Us5. 22. role model? - my grandpa. 23. strange habits? - i don’t know if it´s strange but I need to do things in a particular order. I need structure without it I feel kinda lost and anxious. 24. favorite crystal? - amethyst. 25. first song you remember hearing? - losing my religion by R.E.M. 26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? - sunbathing and reading. 27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? - staying in bed and reading a good book or binge watching a tv show. 28. five songs to describe you? - untold by RY X, coldest water by Walking on Cars, uneven odds by sleeping at last, bury a friend by Billie Eilish, Recovery by James Arthur 29. best way to bond with you? - humor. 30. places that you find sacred? - churches. 31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? - black jeans, black shirt and my red/black plaid shirt. 32. top five favorite vines? - fresh avacado, Adam, whats worse than..., dropped my croissant, ms. keisha. 33. most used phrase in your phone? - same. 34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? - none. 35. average time you fall asleep? - around 11 pm. 36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? -ugh idk. 37. suitcase or duffel bag? - suitcase. 38. lemonade or tea? - tea. 39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? - lemon cake. 40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? -can´t think of one. 41. last person you texted? - my best friend. 42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? - jacket pockets. 43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? - hoodie. 44. favorite scent for soap? - honey. 45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? - fantasy. 46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? - a top and sleep pants. 47. favorite type of cheese? - cheddar. 48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? - a lemon. 49. what saying or quote do you live by? - everyone is fighting their own battle, think before you judge. 50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? - insiders. 51. current stresses? - university and life in general. 52. favorite font? - I kinda like times new roman...so. 53. what is the current state of your hands? - dry af.  54. what did you learn from your first job? - that i hate it. 55. favorite fairy tale? -snow white. 56. favorite tradition? - every week, when my best friend and I are finished with grocery shopping we make something to eat and watch a movie or a couple of episodes from a tv show. I love it. 57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? -I took help, I was honest to myself and my family, I cut strings with people that were toxic for me. 58. four talents you’re proud of having? - I´m a good listener, I learn fast, Writing and painting (a little)  59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? - “fucking hell.” 60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? - i don’t know I don´t really like anime. 61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? - “This is my design.” 62. seven characters you relate to? - Will Graham, Spencer Reid, Sansa Stark, Sherlock, Lucas from Skam France, Newt (Tmr) and Gina Linetti 63. five songs that would play in your club? - Rain over me, Sweet nothing, Unforgettable, Songs für Liam and Pound the alarm 64. favorite website from your childhood? - well there was this one called outside. I didn´t know what a website was in my childhood. 65. any permanent scars? - yes, on my arms and my knee. 66. favorite flower(s)? - roses. 67. good luck charms? - don’t have any. 68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? - onions. 69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? - that bees don´t have lungs..idk. 70. left or right handed? - right handed. 71. least favorite pattern? - dots. 72. worst subject? - p.e. 73. favorite weird flavor combo? - fries and ice cream. 74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? - 8 or 9 it depends. 75. when did you lose your first tooth? - I was 5. 76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? - mashed potatoes. 77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? - cactus. 78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? -coffee from a gas station. 79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? - school (or university) id photo. 80. earth tones or jewel tones? - earth tones. 81. fireflies or lightning bugs? - fireflies. 82. pc or console? - console. 83. writing or drawing? - writing. 84. podcasts or talk radio? - podcasts. 84. barbie or polly pocket? - barbie. 85. fairy tales or mythology? - mythology. 86. cookies or cupcakes? - cookies. 87. your greatest fear? - death. 88. your greatest wish? - to be happy. 89. who would you put before everyone else? - myself. 90. luckiest mistake? -account on fanfiction.de 91. boxes or bags? - bags. 92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? - fairy lights. 93. nicknames? - I have quite a few.. 94. favorite season? - autumn. 95. favorite app on your phone? - tumblr. 96. desktop background? - starry sky. 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? -just mine. 98. favorite historical era? - renaissance.

[i-amusemyself]

All the stationary.

Ahhhh ty!!! I can’t tell if you wanna know that much bc you gaf or not though.....

Paranoia aside imma overshare either way!! *finger guns*

gel pen: when are you most comfortable?

I mean, I have anxiety so that just doesn’t happen much lmao! My first thought though was when I visit my favourite place, a little corner of a field with amazing views where I’m always on my own. I love it there.

ballpoint pen: tell me about the day you’ve just had

The day I’ve had was hell, so I’d rather relive yesterday.

Yesterday I woke up and binge watched supernatural; actually remembered to eat for once then was actually motivated enough to do revision. I got into hysterics over a tumblr post so quickly decided it was a day I should be avoiding hella emotional stuff....10 minutes later I was watching the last ever episode of prison break and sobbing uncontrollably at every word. In the afternoon I went out but not before losing my phone which was exactly where I left it. By that point though I was so late I had to speed walk at least 2 miles to the next village, where of course my friend arrived flanked by two pretty decent looking guys. I honestly looked like a tomato with water retention issues at that point so I’m sure that was a fabulous first impression. Then we got over to our revision session at the library early so went to the pub instead which was a dream; didn’t get any alcohol though because you can’t revise biology while hammered. Believe me. Then I stayed up late enough to get my ass whooped last night but it was so worth it because even though it turned into some sort of snapchat contest, I was laughing my ass off the whole time it was amazing. 

That enough of a day for you?fineliner: what’s your greatest achievement?

I used to train with the england basketball team, and I played for East Midlands. That was a pretty cool experience.highlighter: what are your best qualities?

Jfc, plural? Idk! I’m pretty motivated? And I always make an effort to tell the truth (if its good, otherwise I keep my mouth shut).

greylead: what is something you want to try for the first time?

Being attractive. Being loved. Need I go on? Oh and also giant zip-lining.felt-tip: describe your aesthetic

My bedroom looks like an ikea showroom lmfaooo so whatever that is. Weird architecture and cacti and random objects in neat little storage places.

But equally like, overgrown graveyards mixed with roses and anything black. Depends on my mood.crayon: your earliest childhood memory

Treading on a bee and having to have the sting removed from my foot lmao

scrapbook: something from your childhood that makes you smile

............um??

Okay there was this one time we found an old camera in the loft. I must’ve been 3 since my dad was still there. Anyway we all went out in the garden and it was such a normal little family thing, but it’s the only time I ever remember that happening. It’s got my parents waving and looking happy and me sticking my head out from inside a little wendy house grinning and it’s so cute. It’s the sort of thing I wish I’d had more of.

sketching pad: describe yourself from a stranger’s point of view

A lanky thing approaches. It has a stereotypical lesbian haircut, bad eyesight and appears to have given up on all things fashionable. It’s shy and awkward, so makes you feel extremely uncomfortable too. It appears to be reasonably friendly, but occasionally says things that don’t make a single bit of sense before desperately looking around the room looking for more small talk inspiration. You’re overall impression is it’s a pretty boring human being, probably totally harmless, but would be incredibly easy to replace.notebook: what’s your favourite quote?

I have a couple of little quotes I remind myself of on a daily basis, ranging from song lyrics; “darling you’ll be okay” and “the sun will rise and we will try again” to “pick your fights” and “you gotta give a bit of yourself to get something in return”. I kinda live my life by those.paper: what kind of book would you write?

I have absolutely no idea! I can’t see myself ever having the motivation to write a book.stapler: out of all the people you know, who do you think you are closest to?

My best friend @only-slightly-dangerous who literally knows me so well it’s scary! She can literally message me out of knowhere and know from 3000 miles away if I’m in pain.glue stick: what do you look for in a lasting relationship/friendship?

I can’t be dealing with people that lie or are fake or whatever. So definitely honesty. Also people just being themselves and not being afraid to be weird or whatever, because that’s when I relax a bit lmao! I guess a decent sense of humor too? And someone that doesn’t mind you asking questions or whatever. Idk. Sometimes you just click with people without being about to put it down to a specific characteristic.tape: tell me about your longest friendship

It wasn’t very long. 

I mean I had “friendships” through all of primary school but that doesn’t really feel like it counts. Secondary school? The first girl I made friends with and was really close to for 5 years is now like,,, someone I honestly can’t even stand to hear about soooruler: what line will you never cross?

I could never cheat. eraser: what do you consider to be your biggest mistake?

I’m not sure. Maybe not standing up for myself more at school and at home. There have been occasions where it would have been totally reasonable but I just shut up and let shit happen so I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up about that stuff.

Also, and I know I shouldn’t but, I still spend a lot of time thinking about a boy at our school who killed himself and I never knew him but I still wonder if I could have done anything.scissors: ever had a bad break-up?

Nothing hella nasty but I don’t really talk to any of my ex’s at all.calculator: list fifteen things that make you happy

Lmaooo I’ll do my best!! Okay so music; concerts; friends; seeing other people laughing; making people laugh; stand up comedy; hella good art; hearing people tell stories; sitting and listening in the middle of knowhere; thunderstorms; exploring; helping people; good food; the sound of rain on the roof; cuddling and tumblr.protractor: an unpopular opinion/angle you have on an issue

Pinapple is good on pizza.sticky note: something about yourself you’d like to change

I feel like I have no personality so like,,,I wish that could be better. I wish I was pretty. Or attractive or whatever. Oh and I wish I could sing those hella high notes because I feel sorry for the neighbours atm.stamp: a date that’s special for you and why

25th March because that’s the day my life changed just enough for me to carry on.bookmark: a book that means a lot to you and why

I always just say Numbers, but honestly it was the first ever book I cried at and I feel like it helped me understand the world a little more.folder: describe your family

How long do you have? I mean, it’s quite a small family but I’m not that close to any of them. Most of them are just pretty conservative living in little nuclear families. I didn’t used to get on too well with my dad but we’ve got a lot closer. I still don’t get on with my mum very well though bc she’s abusive. welp. whiteboard: tell me your plans for tomorrow

I’m gonna die a slow, painful death by revision and then recover when I go to my dad’s and walk Borris.blackboard: tell me about a memory that has affected who you are today

All those memories are locked away in a place I can’t get to and I think it’s best to keep it that way for now.

A low key one is probably when a friend once told me nobody cared about me or what I had to say and I’ve basically been mute in most social situations since XDpinboard: what are you focusing on in your life right now?

Exams. A level exams. Just one more month and I’m freeeee!!!tablet: tell me your plans for the future

Start a fresh life at uni and get this degree. Then who knows? I’ll probably go and get another degree and I’m pretty sure I’ll end up doing medicine.stencil: who are your role models?

I don’t have very many. Kaitlyn Alexander for sure, because they really helped me understand who I am and start to accept it. Also Luke Cutforth because I love his YouTube channel but also a lot of things he’s done related to mental health have been helpful and I relate a lot.envelope: tell me a secret

I’m going to my end of year prom in a shirt and tie and I haven’t told anyone yet and I’m scared shitless. I’m still gonna do it though!!

[crueltyfreefashionandmakeup]

Weird Asks That Say A Lot

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? Teacups.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? Chocolate bars.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? Cotton candy.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? Extremely quiet, shy, but smart, creative, and loves to read and write.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? Plastic cups!

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? I feel like my style is a mix of boho, goth, and grunge.

7. earbuds or headphones? Headphones.

8. movies or tv shows? Both.

9. favorite smell in the summer? Flowers.

10. game you were best at in p.e.? Leaving and refusing to participate.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? Rice Krispies.

12. name of your favorite playlist? Broadway.

13. lanyard or key ring? Key ring.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? Nerds Rope.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? A Streetcar Named Desire or The Great Gatsby.

16. most comfortable position to sit in? Cross-legged.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? My Black Dr Martens.

18. ideal weather? 50′s and sunny. A nice, cool, beautiful autumn day.

19. sleeping position? On my stomach.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? Laptop or diary.

21. obsession from childhood? Disney. Still an obsession.

22. role model? My parents and Audrey Hepburn.

23. strange habits? Erm I don’t know.

24. favorite crystal? Lapis.

25. first song you remember hearing? Hmm I don’t know!

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? Go for a hike and explore nature.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Snuggle up in blankets and watch movies with hot chocolate.

28. five songs to describe you? O god idk lol.

29. best way to bond with you? Talk to me about deep stuff, Broadway, books, films, art, literature, video games, and Disney.

30. places that you find sacred? my room.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? An all-black crop top and skinny jeans, and Dr Martens.

32. top five favorite vines? Never watched. Don’t plan on it.

33. most used phrase in your phone? omg

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? hmmmmm idk hah.

35. average time you fall asleep? 2 lol.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? Mine.

37. suitcase or duffel bag? Suitcase.

38. lemonade or tea? Tea.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? Lemon meringue pie.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Uh nothing really. More so after ppl from my HS left lol.

41. last person you texted? My best friend from H.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? boTH.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? ALL.

44. favorite scent for soap? Lavender.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Fantasy.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? T-short, soft shorts, and socks. yes I wear socks to sleep.

47. favorite type of cheese? None. I don’t like cheese.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? Apple.

49. what saying or quote do you live by?  “A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? Prob something my sister did/said.

51. current stresses? Work.

52. favorite font? Arial.

53. what is the current state of your hands? Typing.

54. what did you learn from your first job? Patience.

55. favorite fairy tale? Hmmm Snow White or Sleeping Beauty.

56. favorite tradition? Holiday time with my family.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? My suicide attempt(s), dealing with extreme emotional abuse from an ex, and quitting self-harm.

58. four talents you’re proud of having? I can write well, I can draw/paint well, I’m great at my job, and I’m great at makeup and putting together an outfit.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? “Well fuck”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? A fantasy, fairytale anime.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? See my favorite quote.

62. seven characters you relate to? Elsa - Frozen. Meg - Hercules. Eurydice - Hadestown. K Howard - Six. Lapis - SU. Janis - Mean Girls (movie, not the shitty musical). Daria - Daria.

63. five songs that would play in your club? The entire Hadestown soundtrack lol.

64. favorite website from your childhood? Myscene or Barbie.

65. any permanent scars? Yes.

66. favorite flower(s)? Black Rose.

67. good luck charms? Nope.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? hmmmm not sure.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? Again, not sure.

70. left or right handed? Right.

71. least favorite pattern? I’m not a big animal-print fan.

72. worst subject? Trig.

73. favorite weird flavor combo? I don’t know what qualifies as weird.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 8.

75. when did you lose your first tooth? 6.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? Fries.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? A sunflower.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Sushi from grocery store. It’s not too bad. Especially if you see it being made fresh.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? School ID photo. Grad school one lol.

80. earth tones or jewel tones? Earth tones.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? You would not believe your eyES.

82. pc or console? PC.

83. writing or drawing? Writing.

84. podcasts or talk radio? Podcasts.

84. barbie or polly pocket? Polly Pocket was my SHIT.

85. fairy tales or mythology? I love both so much.

86. cookies or cupcakes? Cupcakes, but both lol.

87. your greatest fear? Birds, needles, illness, something bad happening to my loved ones.

88. your greatest wish? Wealth, health, and happiness for my family, friends, and myself.

89. who would you put before everyone else? My family.

90. luckiest mistake? All my clients wanted virtual sessions since February and I got really lucky with that.

91. boxes or bags? Bags.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? Fairy lights.

93. nicknames? I have quite a few.

94. favorite season? Autumn.

95. favorite app on your phone? idk lol.

96. desktop background? My dog.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? mine, my mom’s, my dad’s, my home phone, and my sister’s.

98. favorite historical era? Medieval times, Renaissance, Victorian Era, and 1920′s, but also we’re living through it lol.

[clairemclaire]

(09/03-05/2018)

Godly made his just the right time for you in all this time way easy to deceive me (like almost everywhere, dear designware tender and soft brown eyers?) but finally, I was just fish where has no water to play. it’s september doesn’t it?

I like now you’re so honest with me.

I feel how you’re so lonely and I can see how you’re craving me.

Ugh, I never did expect anything. Words can’t express everything you trust that point too sometimes ah. Let just things be in their circular times. well, I want to say that it’s you that expected me to love you back, and that called love sounds so fury and burden to me again in other part. Trapped, which meant, I was trapped by you, trapped by this (infra)structure around, trapped by the people I don’t actually hang around and look odds at me. It seemed a little past looking behind back now. I am not worried.

And I told you I like it. I like it from the beginning, whether it was double or triple.. text, while I didn’t have enough courage to press the send buttons lol.？or am I lying now, again? I like it all anyway. I am willing to face with it. And don’t try to hovering my words up again, that repeatedly to use. I’m lying. you know, it’s such a cringe sometimes but I like it lol. it makes me tripping upload unpleasantly.

To see is not all to believe. That’s the phrase I lean on these days. It’s not sort of a simple disagreement, it’s because sometimes It doesn’t actually fully make sense of what you’re meant merely than just within a few words. or maybe I don’t want to. since like my length of english is not well legible enough as always which takes times hahaha. And which means you may always think of me, while I can’t. I didn’t want to remind this by stand now, it was very strange, at first, at start, maybe I should’ve caught that three years up and knew that was the beginning, in the reason that you wanted me to say this to myself with my own lips. maybe I liked you as you do unnoticeably. that’s what I do say. damn. You have so many worst scenarios in you head and you make your own illusion yourself that’s the side effect of unsimplicity compacts. and I still have no idea why you tryna keep making that. I wish love is not always meant to be, but sometimes like you sound like my bossy mother.

Second, - change, grow, transform, seed, figure out, is what I am now looking for. Everybody need changes from cliche. I love it. I love it. more than a twice. Even though the circumstances are not well enough, but well, internet is out there. my mind is out here. oh, I don’t know what I am more supposed to do actually. I actually wish this every damn time these days, wish if I could graduate high school early and earlier. that’s why I want to study abroad in moments. sort of adding a braggy sound ass? I deserve better education that I can follow my heart. I need to hear what is audible. but no so sure, always. ohhhh I knew this year could be longest year in my life, but because in my head, there always would been what-ifs my next year would be toughest again? that I cannot actually lose it. so that’s why I do not wholly compromise with someone, that’s not even include my families. it’s always been part of me. because if I do, I lose. I’ve always conceived those feelings of the faith of thought in it. I’m no ever sure if I could be flexible enough and get fall through the lines I used to holding up. because that parts also maybe which is not always supposed to be. oh don’t threaten me. Oh, don’t get me wrong. it’s because there was a huge dimensional constructive prospects of I could know further, anything or nothing, than the way I used to following. driving is better in that sense, yeah, but I know now I can’t. lol not by a certain direction. I never proclaimed myself I know everything, it’s completely unknown? well, quite the opposite. No way it’s all up to me, now I need to erase your careness used to occupy a work I had to do which was only over my head. it’s some kind of overwhelming feelings.

I wish I was way better explaining things. I wish I could have said more. (well properly.) Unfortunately, I understand what He meant in our lives, circumferences and path. I am knowing that a little bit now day by day. It’s not something I could ever measure of or complaining of. And I can see it’s now evolving around somehow.

I should have earlier exposed that what was confusing in my head. It was when even before I left you, that one class mate who would sit in your class used to talking around about you in front of me for those during several days. It looked like she seemed so adores you, though I didn’t have any chance to cross by you. Though there was a little bit of a gut that Keith would be you. I still don’t know about the other people in my school aren’t actually related with my affairs, but just seem they curious about those quirks and about what happened, and how much they know about this well appropriate enough, but still, that is in still beneath in my heart.

I still imagine about how would have been so different if we real had met from a real long distance communication circumference. It also hasn’t been that long since we moved our house near around the school from that apartment.

What I am actually most desperate is to re- and live about those past two struggle years plus one more now season, which I mostly want to erase in my life and remind never, but also most grateful and fruitful days at the same time that could make me seed inside me to grow and gradually helped me to get out of my comfort zone.

Money, money is not important for my first hand. I’d never officially seriously worried about financial situations or problems before I met you, I’d never once thought money would be a replacement that could enrich our soul. You would have no idea, how many days I could follow back my back and forth by those guiding simple empty full of mixed messages, only with glancing through them. I’d never complained regards as money. I used to slip out my pocket money when I got it from the days of conventional holidays, through the neighborhoods, or my relatives. That’s when pointing out my young age and I was a toddler and I never knew, my mom was the one who didn’t like it and worried so much about my future habits. lol. Even now I’d never argued with anyone for my minimal financial affair, because I never felt that something I was lack of, I reckon. So I am eternally grateful for what I could have been having for now on. So the point is, I don’t think money defines your value, it would much less than you soul I want to believe. Really, there would be no hard feelings at all whether you’re rich or not, or maybe it rather made me feel worse of thinking about. or you seem a little insecure about that part too. Idk well, anyway that doesn’t truly advocate me whole hell of a lot. that isn’t the one.

So, software is a chess. we always need to stay awake for it. That’s what you should taught me in a second first. That’s what the manner whose morale if stuck in his head fully, do. and you gonna hate me./