#idk something about this podcast just like. puts me at ease

[eroticsturn]

Tough guy - M.S

Warnings : NSFW, prasing kink, use of mommy, sub matt, and idk what else.

don't like, don't read. i'm not your parent

Matt's been putting on this tough guy persona for a while. Typically being disrespectful to his brothers and insulting them in the tiktoks, car videos, and podcasts. Chris and Nick are starting to become frustrated since they're trying to get things done without any interruptions. He even gets to the point where he starts to act rudely toward you, which left you confused because you didn't think he would really just snap at you.

"y/n please do something about it" Chris complains because he is tired of Matt's attitude. "It's so fucking annoying. He acts like we are against him." "It's really frustrating," Nick exclaims, looking distressed and irritated as he works to edit the video they recently recorded. You can't help but wonder if he simply needs to release some tension.

You head to his room and say, "Yeah, I'll go check on him and see if he needs anything." As soon as you gently tap on his door, he says, "Come in." He's playing Fortnite with his back to you as you slowly open the door.

"what do you want?" He turns to face you with an annoyed expression on his face. You approach the back of his chair and gently caress his shoulders with your hands. He feels your bare hands slide down his chest, and he tenses. He catches his breath, but attempts to play the game to take his mind off it.

You step around his chair and pull it back. To get enough room to move between him and his desk, he glances up at you. He returns his focus to his game, rolling his piercing blue eyes.

Sitting back against his desk, you saw how his fingers moved fast along the controller, or how his face scrunches when he loses, and you thought to yourself, he won't be pulling off this tough act for long. You're essentially eye fucking him at his point since all these naughty thoughts are racing through your mind.

As he notices your intense gaze, he asks, "What the fuck do you want? are you just gonna stand there and look, or will you get the fuck out?" He becomes angry that you're just staring at him and not saying anything.

You caress his chest and stare at him innocently, saying, "You know, matty, you shouldn't be so uptight and take your frustration out on me. I haven't caused you any harm." As you put your hands on his waistband, he begins to blush and his breathing becomes heavy.

You put your palm directly above his dick and watch as he tries to remain calm. His eyes are yearning as he stares up at you, and a bulge appears beneath your touch. You begin to palpate him to see his reaction.

His brows furrow as he looks at you, whining. You're still palming him, he's slowly starting to let go of his controller. "Y/n" cries, "hm?" you ask, still gently palming him. testing the limits of you toying with him. He turns to face you and begs, "Please, m-mommy." “T-touch me," he exclaims.

"Well, Matty, I'm not sure. You've continued to portray a tough guy attitude. Maybe I should just leave you all hot and bothered," you say as you take your hand off of his throbbing erection. "No! Mommy, please, please. I'll be a good boy. I promise!" He practically begs for you to touch his bulge, and he start grabbing your wrist in an attempt to get your hand back on it.

You stare into his eyes and say, "Be a good boy and take your pants off then." He gets up right away and takes off his sweats. "But keep those on" you say as he begins to remove his boxers. He gives a short, muffled "okay," then returns to his gaming chair.

You stare at his desperate form and feel the gap between your legs getting wet. As you begin to kiss his neck, you slide onto his lap. He's moaning and attempting to ease the pressure of his erection. He makes an attempt to feel something by pressing your hips down on top of him.

When you eventually press against his bulge, he lets out a satisfied grunt right away. "Y/n, please do something" He throws back his head and cries, "I need you so badly." you keep sucking and licking his neck.

You can see how desperate he is for it. Even though you enjoy watching him plead and cry, you eventually give in to his requests.

You reach down to grab his boxers and pull them down with your hands. You've been teasing him for a while now, so his dick pops out and smacks his lower belly, his tip oozing with precum and extremely red. He closes his eyes and waits for you to do something. You see his head fall back into his chair and his mouth curve into an o shape, you softly stroke your fingers upward. He tries not to roll his eyes back while he pants.

"Please go faster," he begs, and you comply by moving more quickly.

You keep going at this quick speed until you feel his cock twitch and his hips buckle. His eyes roll back and he begins to whimper more loudly. He cries, "p-please, let me cum," since he is at his breaking point. You stop your actions before he has an opportunity to cum.

He sighs and turns to face you, "Wh-Why did you stop?" He is panting excessively "What happened to the tuff guy act? Huh Matty? you ask, meeting his gaze directly.

He continues to try to hold himself back, his eyes tightly closed. In all honesty, all you wanted to do was take him right there and then, but you also wanted to tease him a little more before giving in to his demands.

"I've been a good boy, mommy." He begins to cry as a result of you edging him. He has had enough of the agony. He's incredibly eager to cum. "Go have a seat on the bed." You begin to get up and head for the bed, saying, "be a good boy and I'll let you cum." He leaps out of his chair and heads straight for the bed.

He is seated with his back resting on his bed's headboard. Just before he begins to beg you once more. You returning to your task, you stroke as quickly as you can. "Yes, yes mommy. I'm your good boy right?" Tears well up in his eyes. Wiping his tears, you reply, "Yes, my love, you're doing so good for me." "I have to cum! Let me cum, please. Please let me, mommy," he cries, his head thrown back on the board.

"Come on, baby, let it go. I'm right here." You kiss him on the cheek encouraging him to release."Oh my fuck. Shit, shit, shit," he utters as releasing his sperm. He lets go all over his lower abdomen and lies there with a fucked out expression. You slowly stroke his dick a couple of times to ensure that everything comes out. He moans feeling overstimulated.

Worn-out, he murmurs, "I didn't get to give you any pleasure." "It's alright, matty, maybe next time," you reply, kissing his forehead. "Hm, all right. Can you lay with me?" He mumbles and reaches for your waist. You give in and lie down with him, he drifts off right away.

- A

[paging-possum]

pls do talk about your projects if you so wish

YOUVE UNLEASHED A BEAST. hold on I'm going to bullet point this because I started paragraphing it and it was literally unreadable.

the big one that I should be working on is Milwaukee protocol (duh) (deadline of expo in April that I applied to and hopppppefully will get to table at but we'll see! it is ever so slowly getting sketched out and I like how it's going so far!! but im shoving those guys out the window right now because they'll get their time.

I'm getting back into animatics (evil decision) partly because I LOVE MUSIC and I love DRAWING PICTURES TO MUSIC and because I need to practice use adobe premiere in a way that does not make me rip my hair out aka by putting together videos of my favorite fictional gay people. anyways.

I'm planning out an animatic to the other side of paradise for naddpod rn....it was originally gonna be like a lyricstuck comic but given the beat it feels like it'd work better actually set to the music...it is giving me grief a little bit since there's a lot of naddpod and I haven't listened to it in a while and it doesn't have a central theme which is usually pretty big for putting them together....its definitely going to have more emphasis on Bev and Erlin (sorry if I just start saying naddpod names at you LMAO) (it's very good though. one of the best ttrpg podcasts out there imo) but I do want it to be about the others as well :] they all get their time. The bridge is the most planned out part (heavy on the hellfire chronicles/chosen saga, those who Know can probably figure some bits out but I will say there will be some stuff with the wraiths) and I want the beginning to be a brief rundown of the earlier parts of the campaign but idk, I might lean into it being heavier on the later half for ease. also realistically it does not have to be entirely linear (guy who is coping) but oughhhh. it feels wrong for it not to be. I'm also hoping to mess with color and style a little bit with it since I'm no longer constrained to flipaclip! I want to get neon with it!! I would like to put a little more movement in it and overall make it a little crunchier and crispier and mess with camera movement maybe. it's very much a fuck around and figure things out project which is nice...

that said I do play favorites I am chipping away at erlin animatic mostly since it'll be easierrr and good practice with adobe in the meantime! who am I if not a guy who draws the kindleafs two billion times everyday. it does feel very repetitive though so I'm trying to change some stuff around (naddpod relisten is helping a bit) and it's getting there!

other smaller projects here and there...I need to actually lock in on my portfolio...if I don't post some muscle/bone/nerve diagrams and maybe a short comic about joints or something in the next month everyone needs to yell at me.

[chalkanthit]

For the SE HC ask: 4!!!

Going for SE Askboard @h0lly-hued-s0ul has made!

Ik it's a bit late but better late than never dkfbdokf

Also going for most of the youngsters bc they're my little precious weirdos uu

Offer a hobby-related headcannon for any character.

Soul

We should all be aware by now that soul is a huge music nerd even if he's pretending to be "just casual" About it but somehow I could even imagine that his guilty pleasure is also baking since... Have you seen the cute little tea and cakes he sometimes brings Maka when she's studying for exams like crazy??? He claims he just buys them from "that one little bakery" That Maka suspiciously never finds but in secret (not really) he really does them by himself and is proud when they're well liked!!

Maka

She's deffenly a little sport nerd kinda girl that got to like things like Basketball and soccer/football quite a lot, but she also would still enjoy a good book (or ten) at times as well next to solving crossword puzzles and other Puzzles and riddles!

Basically everything that makes her Brain go brrrr! Also idk how much it's connected to the hobby aspect, but I hat girl would have Duolingo on her phone and use it almost religiously every evening before bed!

Oh but also she would have a big knack for poetry and writing overall even if she's sometimes quite shy about it since Soul and Black star made fun of it a few times-

Tsubaki

Everything around gardening and cooking???

She also would simply enjoy long walks and nice quality time with her friends since Tsubaki really is this comfy person that likes a calm life but also the fun and more adventureous aspects of it;;;

A part of me can also imagine that she'd enjoy something like Yoga and Ice skating a lot when she gets the chance to do it in peace-

Black star

Sports nerd! Everything that resolves around movement and putting his brain on serotonin 24/7 with the bees on crack he apparently has in his butt-

But also we already saw that he also enjoys comics a LOT and would totally be into video games as well even if he would loose to patty constantly!

Kid

He'd actually like things that put his mind off ease? Like he very much enjoys cleaning much more in a healthy but for many weird manner since who likes cleaning am I right?? But also is very open and keen to things like Chess and plenty of other board games he most likely plays with Liz and Patty almost every Saturday night unless Liz manages to escape :')

Also hey! I can imagine him liking to draw a lot as well together with Patty Duke while listening to murder mystery podcasts-

Liz

Shopping and dancing Q U E E N!

Ik it's basic but hear me out! She just loves fashion a lot and can give people a lot of advice for this topic and would occasionally do makeovers if you let her!

She just blooms so much doing that and seeing how much people can show their other sides as a well! Also my bc especially is that it was initially her idea when Crona was kidnapped on a shopping spree and she would even just offer Ox so many hair stuff in hopes he'll finally STOP shaving it all off like bro.. PLEASE!

Other than that she also got those moves and surprisingly knows a lot about music as well so her, soul and Kilik can actually connect and vibe together super easily and well!

Patty

Again, patty is a huge art person!

Of course she likes other things like beating people up with a passion, but she just loves to be creative and takes almost every medium bc why not trying everything and see how it goes??? Life is too short to be boring and plain!! Patty would most likely also like to bake as well but her creations are.... Experimental to say the least-

At least Stein and Ragnarok do like her stuff weirdly enough..

Kim

Also a little doodle enthusiast but she really would have a knack for Crochet and knitting too since Jackie has taught her the latter! She would rather die than to admit her hobbies and pleasures but she's a big softie when it comes to her interests!

God forbid people would even find out that she likes "girly" Stuff like figure skating and dancing as well.. Oh the horror!

Omg she would also have a secret love for flower arrangements as well but that's just me having more lore and hcs for her past as well that I won't (and likely never will) fully elaborate on :'DD

Jackie

Similar to Kim she loves knitting but also has a big talent and interest in Tayloring as well?? That girl probably had a bit horse phase as well and would actually love to get back into it at some point but a horse in the middle of Nevada is a little too much to ask for-

A bicycle would do as well I guess???

Idk why but Jackie seems a little bit of a person that enjoys Theatre and Musicals a lot as well so take that for what it-

Also little side note I want to add bc it's sth very dear and personal to me but glass engraving and the like?? It just fits quite a bit to her qvq

Kilik

Batic and Linol printed shirts!

The shirts he wears? Self made! The necklace?? Probably as well!! Also another music and Sports enthusiast even if he's more into more combat related sports rather than just running around for a good time!

He seeks the thrill and the surprising so unless you throw something at him out of the blue, he'd just see it as plain and simple training-

The drums are also his hobby but it's less than a hc than it is actually canon in the manga;;;

Overall he's pretty much an everyman kinda guy that has a good amount of Hobbies and interests that overlap with many others he sees as friends!

Fire & Thunder

They're still young as hell so I can't say AS much about them as I like to but they give a lot of crafty energy and would probably get a collecting hobby phase as well like for crystals and all!

Less for the esoteric aspect but more for the minerals itself!

Ox

Again not as much of an HC than it is a fact, but that guy takes a lot or enjoyment into research and other things that make his brain tingle like chess for example! Like he just LOVES burying himself into old history and folklore about plenty of topics and cultures and can easily spend days in it if Harvar wouldn't remind him to eat something in between-

Again I really don't know why, but something in me also knocks at my brain doors and continuesly shoves the HC in my head that Ox actually has a talent to actually draw?? Not like Patty where it's very imaginary and expressive, but more in a sense of scenes and architecture!! Basically pretty black and white and stuff!!

Harvar

It's super ironic but like Kim he actually has some hobbies he either won't admit to or people simply wouldn't believe it since why would a guy like him he interested in something like THAT???

Like liking to go swimming is one thing people could still get behind bc he hates boredom with a passion so it's good to stay active but him actually being into exact the same comics as black star is just super funny in my and it's very much the absolute opposite of Harvar sooo..

Omg but on top of that just.. Imagine him actually do liking video games but nothing like a souls game, but f*cking animal Crossing-

Of course he also likes research and chess a lot like Ox (even tho he's by far more competitive there) but he screams like Modelling as well! (The crafty stuff like building trains or Lego etc)

He just SUCKS at art tho which actually frustrated him-

Bonus

Crona

Crona most likely would catch some interest for poetry and other writing related things as well since they can actually express themselves much better with it without having to speak about it and they don't even have to show it to others as well.. It actually already helps that it exists in the first place and that they have something they can look at like "I made that!"

Aka bullet journaling sounds like sth tame enough for them but still sth to keep their mind somewhere unrelated to u know.. The whole childhood ordeal-

Basically they would enjoy many things that won't put Crona into the spotlight or that is to be shared forcefully so even if it's just reading something, it's just.. Nice;;

Also please give Crona sth calm like Animal Crossing-

Let them share an island with Harvar or Maka dkxbfodndp

Gopher

He sees something that peeks his (or Noah's) intetest, he HAS to overanalyze it and write every crucial detail down!

Like we don't just talk about one smarty little journal! I'm talking about whole Bookshelves worth of Infos written by that puppet alone!! Even his calligraphy and poetry/writing skills and hobbies are top notch and would rub it under Makas nose a LOT!

Hell he would do it so much that even Ox would have to remind him that he was meant to be Makas super annoying rival and not him pfffff!

(You could say that annoying Maka is also a passion of Gopher)

He would actually like to just casually fly and travel around a lot as well even if it's something he just does to get a job done.. If he'd focus more on the aspect itself, there would be much more appreciation etc!!

Also God forbid but he'd be into dnd as well-

My brain tells me to so it must be true!/j

THANKS FOR COMING TO MY INCOHERENT RAMBLING!!!

[welivefast-dieyoung]

My memory is so horrendous, I could not even tell you what happened yesterday. But this morning I woke up and immediately my first thought was ' I think it's Colin's birthday today'. I must admit I was screaming when I realised I was right. I can barely remember my friend's birthdays. Idk if that means I need to step back or if it speaks to how much he's permeated my subconscious / how deeply he has impacted me. Although his work has been so important to me and has brought me so much joy over the years, there is something about who he seems to be as a person that has really helped me grow as a person. Listening to his interviews, podcasts and hearing him be more open about his life than anyone else I've ever heard speak is so inspiring to me. For someone who has had such a tumultuous life he seems to still have so much time for everyone. I don't think I've ever heard him dodge even the most personal questions. Every single time I listen to him talk I hear this wisdom and self awareness that makes me feel like he's been here so much longer than he has. Then the next minute he's exposing his razor sharp wit and making light of things in a way that puts everyone at ease. He's just taught me so much about how to take things in my stride. His talent was enough, but his mind, his heart is so much more. It makes everything he does, mean so much more to me. He stands up for what he believes in, does things that he doesn't even intend for people to hear about. I just don't think there are many people out there who genuinely seem to have such a good heart. Even now I'm struggling to find the words for how I feel about him. He just talks like he gets it, gets what's really important. He's one of the greatest sources of comfort, assurance and knowledge in my life. While at the same time making me laugh more than most things in this world. I just love him so much and I'm so glad that 47 years ago today he was gifted to us, and that he's fought as hard as he has to stay with us. Happy Birthday Colin 💚

[phoneybeatlemania]

Not this has anything to do with anything but i just started listening to the blindboy podcast and Let Me Tell You it is changing my life lol

[kodzuvii]

CLUB STUPID [24: yeah probably]

next [25: premarital hand holding]

PAIRING - SUNA x FEM!READER

GENRE - crack + fluff

warnings - spelling and grammar errors lol guys its 1am plz-

SYNOPSIS - Club Stupid, an anonymous podcast meant for the dumb and dumbest to send in unspoken and nonsensical thoughts about issues they face in their day to day lives and for Y/n to speak out and give her opinions and feelings. Normal feelings though, nothing romantic like how she thinks this lazy guy with questionable hair in the volleyball club is actually pretty cute.

a/n: as an executive member and proud representative of the suna simp club (jk lol idk) it is my duty, to keep my simps fed. you’re welcome. please listen to some cute wholesome shit. 

“Look at this Samu, Suna really his own breed, how does he manage to look more dead compared to how he usually looks”

“Well Tsumu, he ignored the same girl twice in the same week and also got confronted by her cousin who’s also his captain. Pretty sad if ya ask me”

The twins snickered to each other as they eyed the quiet middle blocker who stood by his locker. “Did you see his blocks today Tsumu? I was afraid I was gonna break his toothpick arms with my spikes” Osamu whispered but made it loud enough for Suna to hear. Atsumu nodded, “yeah Samu, totally lame if you ask me. Thank God Yn wasn’t watching him” he teased. “Oi,” Aran called out as he packed up his things on his back that was sitting on top of the benches inside of the boy’s change room. “Lay off of him will ya” he scolded but the pair shrugged and continued to change out of their practice clothes. 

“What’s even happening?” Akagi whispered and Riseki could only turn to him and mirror the same lost look on his face and give a clueless shrug. They both just sat back and watched the scene unfold in front of them. The twins were teasing and throwing indirect jabs and insults towards their middle blocker who looked as if he was going through an existential crisis with the dull look in his eyes. 

Suna was quiet, everyone knew that. Yet somehow in some way, everyone could feel his energy hit an all-time low. He still attended practice sure, but it was like practicing with a pole lamp. He just stood there and observed whatever was happening but even then, his mind was somewhere else. Of course, this didn’t go unnoticed by the coach who gave him an earful about the proper attitude to be having during their practices. Did he listen though? Nah. Listening to a lecture required too much effort. He was just tired and done for the day and the anxious and nervous feeling bubbling up inside of him wasn't helping either.

Suna was stupid. He knew that. His attention span outside of the court was never the biggest and his lack of energy never helped increase his intelligence. He was never the brightest in his class, and honestly, it never bothered him that he wasn’t. Everything he learned came through one ear and left the other. He retained the information for a test but simply forgot everything once it was over. He wasn’t the brightest, and it didn’t bother him not one bit.

What did bother him was his terrible habit of being oblivious towards other people’s feelings. Maybe it was due to his lack of energy or lack of interest, but he simply never put much effort into acknowledging how people felt. Yeah, he got vibes when people had on and off days, his teammates were the twins, you HAD to notice their mood swings and take necessary precautions. It just never occurred to him that more people could enter his bubble. A bubble that revolved around himself.

However, instead of someone finding a way to enter his fragile bubble without popping it, Suna willingly left his bubble when you came into the picture. It was no secret that Suna was whipped the moment his eyes laid on you. He’s been getting clowned about it ever since the twins found out and they never let a day go by without calling him a simp.

He had no clue what type of person you would be when you entered the doors of the Shiratorizawa gym. You looked sweet and bubbly, the smile you came in with never left your face unless you’d whine to your friends or roll your eyes at them. When you stepped into the room, people just naturally gravitated towards your positive energy and your good vibe. He liked that about you. Then again he still didn’t know anything about you at the time. All he knew was that you managed to attract his attention without even directly giving any to him. Every time he tried to look away and focus on whatever was happening in front of him, his eyes trailed back to you.

For a while after camp, you kept popping back in and out of his mind. It was quite ridiculous actually. He’d be taking a drink by the water fountains and he’d look over to the hallway and suddenly the first thoughts would be ‘what if I saw the redhead again?’ It never lasted long, maybe for a split second or two before he snapped himself out of it. He’d never see you again, what was he talking about? He was just being delusional.

So you could imagine the way his mind stopped functioning the night at the train station. Suna had to pinch himself 8 times when he saw you walk out of the train doors. ‘No way’ he thought. You, out of the 7 billion people in the world, was Kita’s cousin. He remembers seeing your tired face and your short stature clad in a big hoodie and loose sweatpants with your hair tied up. You were supposed to look like a mess, why did he keep thinking that you looked so pretty? This must’ve been the higher power playing a trick on him for slacking off during practice. So annoying.

Suna could keep his cool around school. You weren’t in the same classes meaning he didn’t see you at all. So you could imagine the kind of panic that crossed his mind when Kita told the team that he’d have his cousin staying in the gym. He learned later on that you started watching practices because Kita didn’t feel comfortable with you walking home. You were nice to the team, incredibly nice actually. Your easy-going nature made it easy for you to have a couple of conversations with his teammates here and there. While you were nice to Aran and Akagi, you had a little feisty attitude with the twins (mainly Atsumu) and he couldn’t help but admire how outspoken you were. You were blunt, to say the least. That was something you and Kita had in common. But he liked that about you, how you were always free to speak whatever was on your mind and keep a conversation going. 

Suna noticed early on that you rarely paid attention to their practice. He figured volleyball just wasn’t your thing and he couldn’t blame you for that. During water breaks, he’d glance up and watch you tuck back your hair and sometimes he’d catch you scratching your temple in annoyance because of some question you couldn’t answer on your homework. You never looked up, simply unphased by whatever was happening in front of you. 

Even so, he still put the smallest amount of extra effort into his practices. Jumping a bit higher and running a bit faster and spiking the ball with more force. He insisted that it was about time he would break some of his bad habits, but even the team knew that it was a sorry excuse. Truth be told, a little part of him was just hoping that if you ever looked up from your phone or your work in your lap, you’d see him and think that he looked at least a little bit cool. 

One day, on the rare occasion that he’d be listening in class, he remembers his teacher having a discussion with the class about an epiphany. 

The feeling of a sudden or striking realization that hits an individual out of nowhere.

It was late at night where Suna hit an epiphany. You were off to Miyagi, spending your weekend with your best friend and the Twins continued to bug him about his little first-year crush even though he had asked them multiple times to drop the topic. 

Suna came to the conclusion that he liked the way you made him feel. He liked the way he felt at ease when you were around him. He liked how you were so different compared to him, but it never stopped you from forming a friendship with him. You never pushed him to ever open up to you, you listened to the bare minimum he had to say and never took his lazy nature and blunt attitude to heart. He liked annoying you, the way your face would scrunch up when he’d take your bento’s the first couple times during your first initial lunch hangouts or the way you’d puff your cheeks when he comments on your height. He liked the way your eyes lit up when the smallest things caught your attention. He took notes on the songs you said you were currently listening too or the ones that reminded you about happy memories. 

Suna especially liked seeing you smile. Especially towards him. Something about it gave him the same feeling that was comparable to the way he would feel when he would see those jelly sticks on sale at the grocery store. The way you’d roll your eyes in playful annoyance when he'd come up to you and ask to bandage his fingers even though you both knew that he was capable of doing it himself. You would tease him, a playful smile gracing upon your lips, telling him that his fingers would probably break off if you weren’t there to bandage them up. Suna liked thinking that having you wrap them up made his hands feel a bit stronger with his blocks. But you didn’t need to know that.

He remembers a specific memory that lives rent-free in his mind. He was walking down the hallway, casually strolling and taking his time to get back to class after using the bathroom and he happened to notice you heaving a tired sigh as you closed the doors to your class. You looked quite frustrated, probably because it was your art class and you had been complaining days earlier about how creatively drained you were.

 Suna must’ve been looking at you for a moment too long because the moment your eyes met, he felt something tug at his chest by the way your eyes sparkled at the sight of him. Despite being under a little bit of stress, the same smile he grew to enjoy seeing made its way onto your lips and you waved to him excitedly before running up and rambling off about how much your class was pissing you off.

You two eventually got in trouble for skipping the whole period after being too caught up in your conversation. Suna thought it was worth it though.

After scrolling through his phone, listening to Atsumu’s obnoxious lovey-dovey playlist, and inevitably searching “how to know if you like or like like a girl” (there's a difference, he swears) on google. 

He came to his epiphany.

 Maybe before, when he barely knew you and you never knew him, maybe he was just infatuated with the idea of you. 

But it was different now, He liked you.

And that scared him.

It scared him how vulnerable he felt. Suna’s reserved and quiet nature gave him a hard time to open to others. Not that he really cared if he was being honest. He simply had the mindset that no one needed to know everything there was to his existence. Everyone eventually leaves anyways, what was the point?

When it sank into him that he liked you, it confused him endlessly. You never wanted to get out of his head and sooner or later he found himself doing the smallest things for you. The little black silk band was always on his wrist and if it wasn’t on his wrist, it would be tucked away in his pockets. Not to mention that he kept one in his pencil case for good measure. The bandaids inside in his backpack were sealed away in a ziplock bag just in case you ever got hurt because he knew you were a bit clumsy. He found himself keeping his eyes open for little souvenirs and trinkets that looked like something that you’d like wherever he went. 

At first, he thought that he just wanted to upgrade you from friend to best friend. Maybe this was a friendship that he had just been deprived of since his world revolved around constantly meaning to improve in volleyball. Yes, he did find comfort in the friendship he grew with you, but sooner or later he realized that he wanted more. The thoughts of holding your hand slipped into his mind and sooner or later hugging you from behind and resting his head on top yours flowed in followed by taking you back by peppering your smooth and soft cheeks with kisses. That wasn’t something that best friends did.

Kita was right about how his logic of ignoring you to suppress his feelings was stupid and that the worst things that could happen were that he’d get rejected. But he didn’t want to face the chance of him getting rejected, he’d like you for so long and he learned during his time spent away from you that he didn’t want to just stop talking to you. Suna knew himself, if he got rejected then he’d distance himself away from you and never talk to you ever again because the embarrassment would eat him up. 

He didn’t wanna lose you for that. He wasn’t ready. 

What a coward. 

He just really hoped you liked the flowers and read his note, he thought anything was better than a stupid “I’m sorry” text.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

“Hurry up, I need to lock up the gym” Kita’s voice echoed throughout the walls as he stepped into the changeroom. Suna looked up from his phone, taking one last glance at your ‘see you soon :P’ text before shutting it off and shoving it into his pockets. As everyone began to leave one-by-one and bid their goodbyes to each other and their captain. The twins however didn’t leave until they both gave Suna a teasing punch on both of his shoulders. Suna only glared at them before proceeding to make his exit as well. 

Kita stopped Suna before he could exit and the look on his face seemed rather serious. With his voice low, Kita simply said “She needs to be back by 7. If she comes home hurt in any way, I’m benching you” he said sternly and that was enough for him to feel his skin crawl under his tracksuit jacket. Suna nodded, understanding that he really wasn’t kidding and that he definitely bench him. 

Kita turned around and opened the door for them both to leave the changerooms. They walked together side-by-side and from a distance, he could see your short figure walking up to both of them. You looked different today, your hair was sitting on your shoulders and a pair of gold-rimmed glasses he was yet to see was sitting on the bridge of your nose. You were clad in your uniform with an oversized pink knit cardigan overtop. Was that a new cardigan you were wearing? He’s never seen it before either. 

Kita smiled at the sight of you skipping up to them and he watched you two exchange high fives and he gave you a brief little speech about staying late. You nodded along and Suna stood by and watched Kita ruffle your hair making you whine cutely. 

He wanted to do that.

You waved goodbye to your cousin and Kita looked at Suna and gave him a firm nod before turning back and making his way towards the gym doors. You turned back and faced Suna, your hands behind your back as you made your way towards him with a warm smile. “Hey there” you greeted and stood in front of him, looking up so you could look at him clearly. Suna couldn’t help but look at you weirdly, why were you acting as nothing happened? Shouldn’t you be upset with him? “Hi, let’s go?” god, why was he so forward. 

You hummed and shook your head, making him furrow his eyebrows in confusion, “do you not wanna go anymore? I can drop you off if you want-” You rolled your eyes, “I don’t see you for a week and you’re already trying to get rid of me?” you questioned and narrowed your eyes at him. Suna felt his heart wrench as your lips pouted. 

He shook his head, “n-no” he stuttered. Your eyes perked up and you watch his cheeks heat up (potentially from embarrassment, but you're not going to assume) and look away. 

You chuckled and grabbed his wrist and pulled him to follow behind you. What made you so bold today? Probably from the unexpected pep talk you had with Goshiki that morning.

“You don’t need him Ln-senpai! If he thinks he can just look over you and all your greatness and beauty and not acknowledge how beautiful you are and how your very presence graces this dull world then send his ass to KFC! You are a woman senpai! A beautiful woman who deserves everything. Not a value menu that has a 20% off discount!”

Did his speech make sense? Sure. You’ll take it over Tendou’s “cut his dick off if he does you dirty queen” text message sent with the confetti effect on imessage followed by a bunch of knife emojis that was honestly more threatening rather than comforting.

You pulled him out of the gym and Shin gave you a look before shaking it off and locking up the gym doors. From the corner of your eyes, you could see the twins sending winks your way before snickering and walking off. You rolled your eyes and stopped when you reached the doors of the school. 

You turned around and faced Suna who looked very lost and confused. “Let’s not go to the convenience store today, let’s go somewhere else,” you say. Suna nodded slowly, “okay? Where do you wanna go?” he asked.

Just then, you lifted up your other hand and it was only then that Suna noticed you carrying a small pink lunch tote. You let go of his wrist and tucked some strands your hair behind you ear, “we haven’t had lunch together in a week and you had a meeting today again so we couldn’t do anything today either and well..” you trailed off and looked up at him and shrugged, “I figured we could make up for lost time” you muttered. 

Suna felt his chest tighten, not only because you were absolutely adorable and it was making him lose his mind, but it almost seemed like you were the one trying to apologize to him when you didn’t do anything wrong. He did.

You frowned as you looked at how subtly his face dropped. As upset as you were, you understood that he wasn’t ready to tell you whatever he was meaning to hide. He wasn’t obligated to tell you anything and you understand that. A small smile creeping up on your lips, “let’s go eat at the park near my house. The one we walk by all the time. Saves you the trouble of worrying if you’re gonna get home on time or not” you laughed slightly.

Suna couldn’t say no to you, so here were the two of you now. Eating and sitting in front of the other with the bento’s you had prepared on the table. The park was as busy as it usually would be during the afternoon. The atmosphere felt warm as the sky was slowly settling into hues of orange with peaks of pink seeping through. Suna watched you happily eat the bento you had prepared and listened attentively as you told him about everything he missed during your week and you did the same when he talked about his. 

A part of him couldn’t help but admire how pretty you looked in front of him. Suna was lying when he told the twins that you were a 7. You were beyond a 7 and beyond whatever scale they had given him. It was a rare sight to see you with your glasses and partnered with that oversized pink cardigan? You were adorable. 

You tilted looked up from your food and stopped mid-sentence when you saw him just look at you with what seemed to be a fond look in his eyes. But you could’ve just been mistaken, maybe you need to have your prescription checked again. “Rin, what’s wrong?” you asked. At the sound of his name, Suna blinked snapped back into reality and was met with your concerned look. “W-what?” You chuckled, “you zoned out Rin, everything okay?” you asked.

Rin.

He liked the way his name rolled off your lips. 

He shook his head, “I’m fine, sorry. This is really good by the way, I didn’t think you could cook” he said as an attempt to change the subject. You rolled your eyes but you looked away. “As much as I want you to believe I’m some great chef, Granny helped me with most of it” you confessed sheepishly. 

He chuckled and poked the sausage that was cut up into a little octopus with his chopsticks, “Well, you did tell me that you burned rice once so maybe I thought too highly of you to make a full meal” he teased. You scoffed and grabbed his bento, “if you’re not gonna appreciate the chef then you don’t deserve the food” you huffed. Suna rolled his eyes and grabbed yours, “guess I’ll have to eat yours then” he said and shoved some rice into his mouth. Your jaw dropped at his actions, “Hey!”

As the day went on, you both began to feel at ease and comfortable once again with each other's presence. The harmony that flowed around between you two was coming back and was settling into its familiar rhythm. You two continued to chat as if nothing happened. Laughing at anything and everything you found remotely hilarious under the sun. Suna felt warm. He was here, with you, and everything felt okay. With both your bento’s empty and tucked neatly away into your lunch bag and the sun settling down and giving a wake-up call for the stars to come out, it was about time for Suna to bring you home.

The walk back to your place was comfortable. There was no tension in the air or any awkwardness in the atmosphere. It was simply peaceful. You were walking beside him and rambling on about something that had happened to you in class that day. It was slightly cooler and the winds were colder and he had noticed early on that you kept pulling at the ends of your cardigan at an attempt to get some more warmth from it. It would’ve just been rude for him to let you be cold, Kita would kill him if you got sick.

It took you by surprise to see Suna slipping off his volleyball jacket and shoving it into your hands. He was wearing a hoodie under it anyway, he didn’t mind. A part of him was just curious about how his jacket would fit you too and what kind of fool would you be to reject an oversized jacket? It was just extra points that happened to be from the boy that you liked.

Suna nodded along to what you were saying, but he couldn’t help the sudden urge to just grab your hand out of his system. You were walking so close to each other. Your shoulders kept brushing past and your hands were right there. 

But with the events that happened this past weekend, he didn’t wanna overstep any boundaries. He was still too cautious that he would mess up and make you upset all over again. With the thought of his actions, Suna suddenly felt a little ball of guilt eat him up. He never stopped feeling bad about what he did. Kita’s words rang through his head, he needed to learn how to communicate better and not deal with everything all on his own. Maybe he really was a coward for letting such a dumb fear eat him up.

In the midst of your talk about how much you despise your math class, you turned to look at Suna and saw how troubled he looked. He didn’t even look like he was listening anymore and seemed to be having some sort of internal battle with himself. 

You furrowed your eyebrows and grabbed his wrist to stop walking. “Rin, what’s wrong?” you asked, concern lacing the tone of your voice. You both never really brought up what had happened. Maybe you were just too caught up in having a good time but you were honestly content with the reasons he gave you. If he wasn’t ready then he wasn’t ready. 

Suna however felt like he owed you so much more than his apology that he already struggled to explain. 

Suna stared down at you for a moment, the unreadable expression on his face that only made you more confused. It was quiet for a moment, the only sound to be heard was the wind blowing by and the trees rustling.

Nothing would have prepared you for the way he turned around and pulled the arm that was holding his wrist and pulling you into his chest. His hands wrapped around your shoulders as he held you just a little bit tighter. He was a bit stiff, but you couldn’t put that against. He wasn’t the type of person to initiate things like this.

“I’m sorry”

Your body froze, something about his tone was different. It was vulnerable.

You stayed quiet, letting yourself relax slowly in his hold.

“F-fuck, I’m really sorry. I said I wasn’t good with words right? S-so I’m trying to explain now because you deserve it but I don’t even know why I did it. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset at all, I was just caught up with myself and I didn’t consider what I was doing to you. You didn’t deserve that. I like being around you and I’m sorry” He pulled away and one of his hands dropped to your waist and fiddled with the material of his jacket. You watched as his free hand dug deep into his pockets and you watched him pull something out. 

“It’s kind of pathetic if you ask me and it’s also kind of ugly but-” he grabbed one of your arms and dropped the object into the palms of your hands. Your eyes widened at the little paper craft,

It was an origami strawberry.

It was small, it fit perfectly inside on the palms of your hand. You could see that he struggled with making it. The leaves were slightly bent and the tip of the strawberry was ripping off. There were lots of creases all in the wrong places and even the seeds were drawn on. 

But it still melted your heart. 

“I read somewhere about 1000 paper cranes for a wish and well, cranes are kind of hard and I didn’t have enough paper to make 1000 and-god this is so embarrassing-” he muttered the last part but gained enough courage to look up at you and meet your eyes. Your eyes were soft and patient. “I wished that you wouldn’t hate me. Or that, this wouldn’t y’know...make everything all weird between us. I like you-or well uh- being around you at least and I-I know you joke about it all the time but please don't-” 

Suna paused when he felt you wrap your arms around his waist once again, hugging him back but just a little bit tighter. The small confession not even going through your mind because your attention was too focused on the way his words were making you melt. 

“You’re an idiot” you mumbled into his chest and hugged him a bit tighter. Your words made his stomach drop, but that feeling went away when you pulled back and looked at him with a smile. A smile that said you understood. 

“I’m never gonna force you to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me” You repeated but this time it felt different, it felt warmer. 

“I’m never gonna hate you. I know how you are Rin, you’re not good with your words and I get that. You could've sent me a text but you didn’t. You went out of your way with the flowers and even the little note and this adorable fucking strawberry is more than enough” you laughed but you could feel your eyes watering up slightly with the overwhelming amount of emotions you were feeling all at once. “You don’t need to keep apologizing to me okay? I understand. Thank you,” you smiled. Suna stared down at you. Nodding slowly and you chuckled and fell into his arms once again.

This time, he was the one who held you a bit tighter.

“This side of you is cute you know, but It’s kinda ruining your whole tsundere image you’re going for. Bet the twins would make fun of you for being this thoughtful” you whispered jokingly, making him roll his eyes and huff a quiet “shut up” in annoyance. If only you knew the pain he endured for putting up with those twins. 

You both stayed like that for a little while longer. Holding each other and fitting so perfectly in the arms of the other. If it wasn’t for your phone dinging from a text from Shin asking where you were, Suna swore he would have held you there for the whole night. 

You pulled away first and tugged his hand, “come on, Shin wants me home now so let’s get going ‘kay? Don’t want you getting benched the whole season now do we?” you grinned and walked in front of him and tugged him along. 

Somehow in some way, your fingers slipped perfectly into his.

Suna could only feel the warmth rising in his chest, his daze fixed at the sight of his hands interlocked with yours. 

“Oh and Rin” you called out, making him snap back into reality.

Suna hummed, looking right back at you.

“Tell me when you’re ready, okay?”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

“Text me when you get up in your room safe”

You turned around to him with a quizzical expression before letting out a chuckle, “I’m in front of my house Rin, I got here in one piece” you said and motioned your free hand towards yourself to prove that you were indeed, uninjured. Suna rolled his eyes and bit the inside of his cheek, “you’re clumsy remember, you might fall or something” he muttered and looked away.

You grinned and squeezed his hand, “Awe, look at you caring for me and my wellbeing. My ears might be deceiving me but it sounds like you’re in love with me” you teased and swung your hands together back and forth.

Suna huffed, his mind not properly functioning when the words fell out of his mouth.

“yeah probably”

Simultaneously, his eyes and yours widened and you both froze. 

Both you and Suna blinked at each other twice. Your eyes looked down at your hands that were still interlocked and looked up at his face that was fully drained of any colour. Your heart was beating rapidly against your chest and Suna began to question the very point of his existence.

“W-what?”

“Uh-”

“Y-you said-”

“A-ah I-”

“Oi!” you both jumped and instinctively Suna pulled you closer to him. You looked at up him briefly before turning around to see Granny waiting by the gate with an impatient but also teasing glint in her eyes. “It’s almost 7:30 Yn-chan! You almost missed bingo night! Kiss ya little friend goodnight and come in before Shin and I eat all the mochi we left for ya” she called out but you could hear the teasing tone in her voice.

“C-coming!” you yelled back. Your face was piping hot and you wanted the ground to swallow you whole from the amount of embarrassment and flusteration you were feeling at that moment. 

Granny nodded and walked back inside, and looked up at Shin who was standing with his arms crossed on the porch. Granny walked back to him with a victorious smile on her lips as she gave him a thumbs up. Granny knew what she was doing and she knew what she saw. She’s gonna call and gossip to your mother.

You gulped and took a step back and looked back at Suna. He was still frozen and his mind was racing at what just happened and he too, wanted the ground to swallow him whole. “I-I uh, I guess I gotta go?” you winced, but the tone of your voice made it sound like you were asking a question. Suna nodded, “y-yeah, goodnight I guess” he muttered as he looked away and you watched his face heat up. 

You were both so embarrassed but neither one wanted to let go of the others hand. 

Suna figured he couldn’t keep you out all night and just as he was about to let go of your hand, a sudden wave of confidence went through your veins and you just went ‘fuck it.’

You pulled his arm down towards you taking him back. His eyes widened, “what are you-” you stood slightly on your tippy-toes and kissed his cheek which made him shut up instantly. “That’s for today, thanks. goodbye.” you said frantically. 

Suna froze, too much in shock and his mind was still in the middle of trying to register what just happened and watched as you let go of his hand and covered your face furiously blushing and running off to your gate and slamming it shut.

He stared blankly at the gate door and blinked twice as an attempt to get himself back to reality. He brought his hands up to his cheeks that were on fire. His mind kept replaying the way your soft lips kissed his cheek and could feel the slightest residue of your lip gloss still on his cheek. 

Shit, you really had him wrapped around your finger. 

“Idiot” 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

a/n: BYE STOP IM SO SINGLE THIS IS SAD AND I AM DEVASTATED.

taglist! [CLOSED] @chocolaterumble​ @elianetsantana​ @versatilewindow​ @introvertatitsfinest​ @aristatrois​ @mizukisonoda​ @amberisnotcrazy​ @kritiiiii @iloveyouasmuchaspoohloveshoney @a-moon-fairy @akaasht​ @lotusweebs @marvelous-maxi @laughingismorefun @hhmnvm @sweetyrina @honeydrip @miracleboy420 @rachelexe @charsdummb​ @sxrcasticbacon @loser-keiji @dinablossom @ntimacy @kac-chowsballs@unhappyraspberry @sbaepsae @doebopeepeebbod @missalienqueen @ssuna @violenthead @unstableye @tycrackculture @a-applepi @lollyzen @aisawa-reo @ashybitch89 @sunflowerirl @sapphicstarss @melodiamore​ @valrubiii @urbasicaveragegirl @mint-mai @4kaashl @sugawsites @anngelllla @applekenm @bumblebeesofspace @dreamstormings @milkingkageyama @tsumu-core @luvelyxp @aquariarose

[faorism]

needing the au to drop wherein i can commit to writing a historical au,, because since i first watched the db cooper job my mind went straight to OT3! OT3! OT3! (unlike with the van gogh job, since i aint playing with that fucking lieutenant)

one day maybe one dayyyyy i will sit down and i will write the ot3 into that episode's story. so, it'll be the backgrounds for the characters in the flashback (so, stephanie ritter, steve reynolds, and reggie wilkins), but with the necessary personality adjustments (parker, eliot, and hardison respectively). basically, vintage ot3 with some hot as hell aesthetics and secrets and avoiding as much as possible producing copraganda.

so. my thoughts. what i see happening. and this got super long so im throwing this under a cut. and for ease i will call them by their modern day canon names except when making a point.

first, general thoughts about the characters.

and so: steve to eliot. nothing much here on the surface. eliot still volunteers, too much an indoctrinated white man to have been forcibly drafted. so its still one man gone to war. one man come back. eliot would had been noticed early in training for his ability to pick shit up, and they teased at maybe sending him to a special unit. maybe they do, or maybe they don't because they just need to funnel fuckers to the jungle. the vietnam invasion was a terrorist imperialist venture and there's no romanticizing from me about anything done being at all valorous or special or brother-in-arms'y. and eliot commits war crimes under the american stars and stripes instead of just to keep moreau's champaign running. but also maybe moreau is eliot's superior. he certainly would have been rewarded for this ruthlessness. (eliot of course strove to impress moreau because there aint an eliot spencer who wasn't that man's dog at some point, i!!!! dont make the rules). eliot's friend died and eliot's gone off to carry out his wishes and moreau lets him because he Knows eliot is gonna come back. whether its to come back to the same squad, or follow him into deeper spy shit for the military, or to fuck off and go private. then eliot meets parker.

now. stephanie to parker. beth plays normal so well im mad at her, but there's something edgy and strategic about stephanie that i think parker can grab onto. i feel that maybe she was kind of a thief still, but there's more realism to this world so archie wasnt a super secret spy with lasers to practice with, but just a guy with sticky fingers whos a little bored and wants a protege. parker is good really good at what she does, and not having to deal with lasers makes me easy. but she's into scams that are less grifts and more Catch Me If You Can slight of hands. she's always looking for easy money (she was into lifting cars at one point! literally she follows where the crime is). she's doing something in an airport and someone tries to recruit her as a flight attendant because she's got the Look. and yall, flight attendants? that shit was like being a model and an astronaut and a time traveler back then. and according to a teacher i had, who once worked as in the f.a. union, those ladies back in the day were rad and queer and free spirited and runnnnning shit. i think, yes, it's a Job which i think we might resist placing parker into. but! of the jobs, at the time, i really see her rocking it during the time period. (also come on, the opportunities to swindle distracted people of their shit would be endless. they would just think they dropped their stuff in the airport! not that it was stolen.)

finally, reggie to alec. i think hardison will be the hardest to translate. even tho i admittedly listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, i dont know much about fbi life and also definitely don't know about it historically. part of me desperately wants to put him somewhere else even if it does have to stay within the fbi. i might cheat and make him like a Q(uartermaster) to 007/00s like in james bond, and he's like UGH this is horrible god i hate working for the fbi but they will give me funding so...... anyway, here's this totally cool [radio term]. that said, if hardison is stuck in the fbi, why he ends up there is that he is a fucking savant when it comes to research and the man can put together a presentation like no one else. that white man gets all the credit for profiling but it was hardison who goddamn was the google of the microfilm days. reggie felt super square but that might be because he had to deal with mcsweeties db cooper shit day in and day out for years. hardison is more himself. and definitely still a nerd. alec would be into dime fantasy novels and comics and ham radios and oh god he also would be into star trek like the original star trek as it came out and he would be into the zines yes! yessss. omg. also he plays a mean arcade cabinet. but he's mostly well adjusted but lonely. his colleagues dont appreciate him because fbi esp during that time were fucking wilding out and racist as hell aaaaaand im sorry im srry im trying so hard to have fbi hardison make sense but also! acab. ANYWAY.

second, the relationship

i think it would be fun to play with what it means to have parker/eliot start off first and bring in hardison afterwards. (if white collar is your thing, it would be like this canon divergent ot3 fic wherein peter burke is the last to join in.) i feel they would be Super Intense esp since they are carrying this big ass secret. kind of broken and dysfunctional and there's the passion and the commitment, but i think there's also a tenderness that's super hard for them to achieve? and i think there's a way that hardison plays such an important part in who they are and how they are. like, sure i think parker/eliot would have joy but they won't have levity. they would have compassion but they won't have gentleness.

eliot meets hardison after being recruited by nate. i think they get close because while nate and eliot have an interesting and compelling mentorship/friendship, nate is still eliots superior; sometimes its nice to complain about your boss, as hardison will say to eliot to try to make friends. i think hardison and eliot would become legit friends and not just work buddies because they are just not cut out of the same cloth as the rest of their colleagues. they grab beers after work. after hard days, hardison cajoles eliot into going to the arcade. they are friends. real real truly deep best friends, in a way hardison didn't think he could have with a fed and eliot didnt think he would have after his friend died. but also? they are like "buds" who are buds who are desperately tryna to cross any lines because there's a.... tension? an UST between them they dont know what to do with.

parker meets eliot by way of a "lets have my friend for dinner, he's a blast." and immediately immediately hardison is like... wow this woman is beautiful but like, really attracted to her personality. and parker things hardison is kinda dorky but cute dorkie? anyway, they have a puppy love situation growing. and it keeps growing until bam. eliot and parker are like. are we into alec???? fuck we are aren't we.

i think stephanie and steve would never tell reggie (even if somehow they were to be a thing). but parker and eliot? hell yeah they tell hardison. eventually. after a while. sooner than maybe they should. the tension if they should say something is one of the things that build up as UST between them for so long; parker and eliot know they are carrying this huge thing. two huge things. eliot being db cooper and also their massive crush on him.

if i could control myself to stick to a pwp, it would be another christmas. maybe the christmas nine (more?) years down the road. the damn snow grounded hardison's flight back to his nana's, and parker and eliot hear this and invite him over. the egg nog gets flowing and parker eventually is like,, fuck this. and comes onto hardison. and hardison would be like wow wow what but... idk, free love and swinging were In The Thoughts And Minds Of The People. he still checks in with eliot who is like. her body, man; i aint gonna tell her what to do. and for a sec hardison is like, man is this a cuck situation? i guess i can be for it but also...... aint mad if i aint alone. and eliot is so grateful and idk. i just want them all to be happy and having fun and no one to be left out. and yeah i am kinda brushing over a lot of the racial politics which, in a more developed fic rather than a pwp, would definitely need to be brought in; but idk that needs to just be in the bedrock of whatever plot is going into this.

it takes a lot of maneuvering of their lives but they make it work and eventually hardison is a keeper of eliot's secret too.

(apart from the historical aspect, another reason i probably won't actually write this is because i know myself. i would want to do worldbuilding. i would follow eliot and alec to their jobs, but i wouldnt want to write outright copaganda. the grit/realism i would be comfortable with would take a level of research i dont think i can commit to. but if someone wants to take this up or if you figure out a way around this issue, pls do i wont be mad)

[damienthepious]

no lizard this tuesday. have some pre-canon rilla/damien smoochin and discussion of [checks notes] uh death!!! it’s fun!!! im stress’d

No Aching Necessary

[ao3]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Sir Damien/Rilla

Characters: Sir Damien, Rilla

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Tuesday, Established Relationship, (im POSTING this for LKT but i won't put it in the tag because arum ain't here.), (maybe if i ever pin down a follow up for this feat. the lizard? perhaps.), self-sacrificing idiot vibes, Mild Suicidal Ideation, Pre-Canon, Communication, discussions of uhhhh death

Summary: Sir Damien feels love like self-immolation. Rilla feels a little bit differently about it.

Notes: I've had this idea for a while, because Sir Damien is nothing if not dramatic, and sir "self sacrifice is a knightly virtue!" seemed like the type to say this particular phrase on repeat. Basically just wanted to unpack all that I guess?? anywayyyy no thoughts brain scrampled egg. also this may have a part two someday? maybe? idk. there's potential.

~

Love, for Sir Damien, feels...

Eternal, and holy, and sacrificial. As in, it sounds of yet another litany in his mind, alongside the song of prayer to Saint Damien, alongside pleas for Tranquility, alongside fear and doubt and fortitude. I love you becomes too big for itself, it transforms, rather quickly, into-

"I would die for you."

Rilla stares at him the first time he says it, furrowing her brow, her dark eyes filled with concern. He kisses her frowning lips, gentle and aching, and when she kisses back her grip is possessive, firm, sturdy, and Damien melts against her as easy as wax beneath the flame.

The second time it bubbles out of him in helpless delight. She rolls her eyes and squeezes his hand almost too hard as she pulls him along to the next booth at the festival, distracting him with games and laughter until the throbbing of his heart eases into something more like joy.

The third time she only says I'll see you tomorrow, Damien, and glares hard at his back as he returns to the Citadel.

The fourth time he presses their bodies together and breathes it against her lips and-

She rolls him onto his back, sinking her teeth into his bottom lip and making him squeak and gasp, and when she pulls back she presses one hand to each of his shoulders, and the fury on her face is nearly thunderous.

"What's that thing you keep calling me, Damien?" she asks, inarguable and stern.

Damien blinks, panting as he stares up at her in confusion and desire and, suddenly, rising worry.

"Wh-what?"

"What is it that you call me? That romantic, poetic little name you have," she repeats, moving one hand from his shoulder to his neck, thumbing at his pulse.

"I…" Damien swallows, feeling her hand against the column of his throat. "M-my- my forever-flower?" he tries, his voice weak and wavering, and Rilla's eyes flash as the hand on his shoulder squeezes.

"If I'm yours," she says, her dark eyes utterly serious, her gaze inescapable, "your flower, then you're mine, Damien."

"Always," Damien breathes, and she blinks for half a heartbeat, apparently not expecting his easy (eager) acquiescence.

She shifts even closer, her voice lowering in both volume and tone. "You're mine," she says again. "And I intend to keep you, for as long as I am physically capable."

"A-ah." Damien's heart thuds, some delicious thrill at the idea of being kept. That she would- that she does want him, that she wants him enough to say things like that-

"Which means," she continues, her palm still warm against his throat as her other hand sinks into his hair, her nails tickling his scalp, "you need to stick around to be mine. I don't wanna hear you say anything like that to me. Understand?"

"But... but it's true, my love. I would die for-"

"You'd better not," she growls - growls, her eyes flashing, and a delicious shiver runs down Damien's spine - and her grip on his hair tightens, carefully angling his face up so that he looks her in the eye. "I want you, I love you, and I don't want anything to do with you dying."

"Rilla..." Damien swallows, looking down and away for a moment before he meets Rilla's eye again, hesitant. "You know, of course... I am a knight, my love, my flower. Each day, each mission is a risk. I take those risks willingly, knowing that I face potential fatality for the sake of my Saint and my Citadel. And, now... for you."

Rilla frowns hard, and then she kisses him harder, her hands firm and inarguable in his hair and on his neck for one long, searing moment before she pulls away again, and some of that righteousness on her face fades, her brow creased with distress.

"There's a difference between understanding the mortality rate of your career and you, apropos of nothing, claiming that you wanna throw your dead body at my feet, Damien. It's not romantic, it's not comforting, and I don't want to hear you say it. Why would you think that I would want to hear you say that? No one is asking you to die for me. I want you. I love you. And I can't fucking love you if you're dead, and especially not if you're dead for no goddamn reason."

"I never said-" Damien pants, his words slipping from his mind like trying to snatch a ribbon from the current of a river. "Not for no reason, it isn't as if-"

"Would you want me to say that?" she says, her voice almost- almost keening, beneath her frustration. "Do you want me to be eager to die for you?"

Damien lifts his hands, gripping Rilla's sides as if to keep her there.

"There is no reason whatsoever for you to even consider-"

"You can't know that for sure. Neither of us can. It isn't just your job that's dangerous Damien, it's the whole damn world. So, what if I do? What if I want to die for you, too? Does that make you feel good about our relationship?"

"I- well, I-"

"Does it make you feel good to think about me dying for you, or does it make you feel terrified?"

Terrified. Needless to say.

Needless, of course; Rilla's glare eases at the look on his face, at the way he freezes beneath her hands like startled prey.

"Exactly," she says, muted and gentle, and then she draws her hand through his hair, her other raising enough to cup his jaw. "I know... I know that being a knight is dangerous. I know because of how many times I've had to put one back together. Even just by how many times I've had to put you back together, even. I know- I know, intellectually, that losing you-"

She pauses, her breath doing something strange, her dark eyes too bright, suddenly.

"Rilla..."

She scowls as he wraps his arms around her middle. "I know it's a possibility. I know it's- likely, even," she says more fiercely. "But that doesn't mean I want to hear you say it, and it doesn't mean I want you to sound so goddamn eager to die. Got it?"

"I'm- I'm not- I don't-"

Eagerness does not come into it. Damien knows, though-

Damien knows what Rilla knows. As she has just quietly, sadly confirmed. The life of a knight is risk, inherent. More accurately, the life of a knight is sacrifice: his own safety in exchange for the protection of the citizens of the Citadel. The same exchange Sir Damien promised, in his heart, so many years ago to his Saint. It is likely, extremely likely, that Sir Damien will die in the service of his Saint and his Citadel.

And Rilla-

Rilla. Kneeling above him, curled down to place her forehead against his own, holding his face in her hands.

He would die for her. His heart aches for her, resounds like a bell in his chest, and he would die for her just as readily as he would die for his Saint, or his Queen. That is what she means to him, her equivalent place in his heart, what she does to him. He-

She bites his collarbone, sharp and sudden, and Damien yelps.

"Rilla!"

"You were thinking it again," she mutters, darkly, and then she kisses that same spot, feather light. "I just- I love you too much to hear you care so little about yourself." She lifts her face towards his, then, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Please. If you love me-"

"I do. My love for you burns like a wildfire, races like a waterfall, it fills me like-"

"Then you have to look out for yourself too, because I love you. And- and I can't always be there to watch your back and patch you back up. It's important to me that you're not- not trying to destroy yourself to prove a point about how much you-"

"Never," Damien breathes. He holds her a little tighter, then reaches to draw his hand through her hair. "No, that isn't... that isn't what I meant. I acknowledge the- the mortality rate, as you called it, but- but I hope, at least, to die nobly in my purpose. There would be no such end in reckless inattention to my safety. I swear."

Rilla frowns - nearly pouts, perhaps - and then she sighs as she bumps the tip of her nose into his cheek. "Alright. Okay. Thank you for... for listening. I know how- how much you feel, it's just- I can't do that. I can't hear you say that, especially not- not like you're saying it instead of... I just can't. Okay?"

"I understand," Damien says. "I will try to... to find more agreeable - less distressing, rather - ways in which to express my adoration."

Uncertain, whether or not he will be able to banish the thought from his mind, however. Occasionally it blinds him, when he looks at her, the breathlessness of his love, the need to protect and worship and bend himself to her merest desire-

But-

She desires, in no mere way, for him to be safe and whole, and holding her.

It still roils within him like a tempest, like waves and rocks and thunder, love like roaring and electricity.

But for her-

(Tranquility)

Sir Damien kisses her brow, kisses her neck, kisses her nose to make her wrinkle it and laugh.

Rilla loves him: miracle. Rilla loves him, like blankets and safety and hearth. Like sunshine, and laughing wind.

The soldier sings of death, as it walks ever by his side, but home- home will not abide such talk while the soldier rests inside.

He purses his lips. Unpolished, not without potential-

"I guess that's one way to think about it," Rilla murmurs, her cheeks a little dark, and Damien starts with the realization that he spoke aloud.

"Er- ah, well-"

"You really think of me as-" she pauses, bites her lip, then meets his eye again. "As... home?"

Damien exhales, overwhelmed by the strangely shy pleasure on Rilla's face, and then he tips his face up to capture her lips in another kiss.

"I do," he breathes, and then he kisses her again. "My forever-flower, my love... my home. Of course, my home."

"It- I think of you that way too," she whispers, and then she closes her eyes. "That's... why, I think. That's why it's hard for me to hear you say things like that. I know bad things happen, I know that homes- I know that things break. I just... don't like the reminder, I guess. I don't need it. I already learned that lesson too many times, y'know?"

Amaryllis of Exile looks down at him with a hesitant smile, her hand on his cheek scented vaguely of mint and smoke. Damien knows, yes. He knows what she has lost. He kisses her again, gentle and precious.

He loves her, and he knows that she loves him. So brave a love, in fact, that she will hold him and know she may lose him, and she will love him all the more fiercely in response.

[angeloncewas]

yeah i totally agree with what you said about satire and schlatt basically taking the easy way out. it seems like since that video he's kinda eased back from doing that shit, either bc the backlash or bc his friends have started verbally calling him out on it, both to his face and through making comments about him on stream (comments as in like saying they dont agree with what he did and saying they thought that video was terrible, not like them shading him or whatever ajsksk) which is good but also i wouldnt be surprised if something like that video happened again just bc like. it is his career and at this point he has to know what his larger fanbase is like to an extent, which means he also knows those terrible fucking jokes will make him money. i dont like that, but im also not gonna sit around and pretend like i cant see the fucking obvious, ya know? from what ive seen of him when he's not putting on a show for his main channel, or when he isnt around people who both encourage and enable his bad behavior (not saying this to shift blame, ive just noticed how he goes from making actually funny jokes that are harmless or, at most, a pretty obvious example of him poking fun at shitty people, at least imo, to like. straight up just being offensive when he's with people like swagger, miz, etc. vs ted, charlie and so on), he seems like a pretty good guy and its pretty clear to me that he doesnt hold the same views as the character he plays up for his main channel but that doesnt change the fact that his audience is now full of the worst kinds of people and that is how he makes money.

as someone who, again, watched idubbbz, as well as filthyfrank, they both stated they were playing characters and they didnt agree with the shit they were joking about, joji especially, but them saying that isnt very well known by even their own fanbase who just watches their main channel stuff, bc the one video where joji made that explicitly clear what he was doing, he later deleted for people harassing him in the comments (it was an old ass video where he basically said that playing those characters was giving him literal health problems, specifically stress induced seizures, and his comments were so bad that he never made an ooc video on his main channel again) and the one video i can think of where ian explicitly said he was playing a character was like an hour long podcast with h3, which most people dont even wanna watch bc it is a painfully uncomfortable one hour, considering the fact that they are supposed to be friends. besides that, the only other time they were really out of character was in vlogs with maxmoefoe, and they still did their offensive bits from time to time bc it was still going up on youtube, even if it wasnt their main channel. compare that to schlatt who has, as far as i know, never explicitly said he's playing a character, and the closest he has gotten to saying that was in some weekly slap video that i cant remember the title of bc all those videos kinda blend together if im being honest. like they definitely show a different, better side of him, but they are also all really short videos with only gameplay to watch and he never even promotes the channel, so its not like the shitty people watching him are like "hm time to take some time out of my day to go watch big man schlatt give people advice and be a genuine person for once", right?

idk. schlatt is just such a weird person for me bc like. he is a big comfort for me, i really do enjoy his content when he's not making bad stabs at satire (bc sometimes he does it right!! but a lot of the time, at least recently, he has just missed the mark entirely, to the point where it feels like he wasnt even trying to hit the mark at all), but he is also so uncomfortable to watch sometimes just bc he seems to either not know where the line is, or thinks crossing it is okay bc its him playing a character and that's not fun to watch as a minority who often ends up being apart of that "punchline".

that aside tho...yes, unfortunately idubbbz does still make content (and i say unfortunately bc it is not very good) though it seems like he is very slow to upload and last i checked, the views arent too great, but ive seen worse. probably the only thing that could bring back his views at this point would be a content cop, but like a year or so back he said he has no plans of continuing the series bc he finds it boring now, which is fair enough. i dont really keep up with him anymore, but as far as i know, he just got married to anisa and he streams on twitch sometimes, besides that the dude is a mystery to me!

—🦷 (also im sorry if this is formatted weird, for whatever reason tumblr has indented each of my paragraphs with one of those grey line thingys and it wont let me remove it. if it doesnt show up in the actual ask then ignore this!)

This is kind of old now (sorry), but I still wanted to respond because I really appreciate your perspective :)

> I always wonder how people not involved in the fandom view Schlatt. Because wasn't there this thing about Hasan genuinely thinking that he was conservative? And like he obviously doesn't now, but does that not impact how he sees him and his content? I don't mean to dictate friendships - of course - I'm just curious as to the impact of having that audience from an outsider pov. I remember being shocked what that thing happened with the pdp fan, but I later found that many people weren't because they knew the nature of the audience he cultivated; maybe I'm just stupid, I had no idea. (Not that Schlatt and pdp are the same, it's just a loose comparison.)

> No one should face harassment, but I doubt Joji deleting that video helped his case. (I mean ig it worked out in the long term considering everything that happened with his music, but yk.) I'm very sorry for the health problems he faced with the characters themselves though. I don't know much about him but that sounds awful.

> I have thoughts on The Weekly Slap, but I think they make me sound bitter and don't add much so just know that they're there ajfdkjdf. I will say that he doesn't seem like "Jschlatt" in them, and moreso just a guy. I know that he quit it for a number of reasons and one of them was not being comfortable with that kind of connection in relation to his increasing fame, but honestly I think his complete dislodgement from his fanbase isn't healthy either.

> I mean, I get it. I've watched a lot of content from a lot of people - ranging from kind of unpleasant to very unsavory - and it's kind of a weird feeling with YouTube and Twitch stuff. Idk it's like - when I go to the grocery store, I'm not wondering if the guy checking my things out is a racist. When I see a commercial, I don't wonder if that guy advertising chicken nuggets is a secret creep. But with content creation of this kind, it's just a weird thought in the back of my mind. I don't know if this makes sense lmao

> Weird that Idubbz finds content cop "boring." I guess the formula is kind of stale and half of the content was the edge, but it seems like the kind of thing that'd be perfect to capitalize off of around now. Cool that he got married... I think. I mean if he's happy ???

> Don't mind the formatting, and sorry to respond like WAY past when this conversation was relevant T_T. I read it right away but the timing got off with actually being able to type stuff out.

[shy-magpie]

RQG 152

Poor Alex, there was no way to know and changing the story would be more of a breach of the implied contract than going forward. Plus side this warning implies we'll get more info on how the biology of the infection works before RSB actually explodes. To be clear I am all for warnings, I just imagine this was one heck of an awkward position for Alex & co to find themselves in. Well one would think they wanted to get through the intros as fast as physically possible! Seriously bless em for sticking with the structure instead of saying screw it and diving right in. Must be frustrating but it really helps me get in the right space to listen. Yeah it was a bit of an altruism run. That Ben physically ill at the prospect of characters talking? Yuck it up, I was specifically promised three (3) distinct topics would be addressed including both coping mechanisms and back stories. Poor Azu. If someone doesn't hold her while she has a proper cry I will be an unhappy Magpie. Are the new kids going to be invited to the conversations that are totally for sure not going to be put off for a month? Retcon: Barnes and Carter actually fought well it. I guess they were just down to the tricky ones. Theatrical much? Cel is great, have I said that enough? Well obviously not it should be declared at least hourly: "2 o' clock and Cel is great". But right after last episode instead of backing down (and IDK implying Wilde told the new kids their pronouns), Cel is immediately introducing themself with them and emphasizing their importance. Hamid right in there with the leadership, telling the duo that the party needs to go into isolation. I know having Zolf around must have took some weight off his shoulders but the man has grown since season one or even since Prague. He didn't lose that just because he cheers up when not solely responsible for leading the party. Note there is a messy negotiation with Zolf about who is in charge coming up and it is a mark of my trust in this show that I'm not dreading it. Am curious if it will be explicit enough for the white picket fence kids to pick up on, I know I have a thing about rank but some people seem to miss that aspect entirely. OK point Zolf but even with his charisma score there has to be a better way to put it than "do that and you are responsible for infecting Jasper and the village". Wow I guess that is the case isn't it. Thank you leader!Hamid coming in again. Getting Cel the kind of updates on home Hamid was denied in quarantine is fairly low risk for great gains in Cel's comfort with the whole thing. Point of clarity: as much as I hate to admit it, once the quarantine began they couldn't really keep Hamid in the loop since Ishaq was in the care of the Harlequins. Its been implied even without simply escaping an infected person could have means of communication that work in am anti magic cell. The village however is public info. Zolf, I want that again in small words! Are we talking black death or infrastructure problems? Because a few targeted infections could take out the government but not directly kill the citizens. Cel is doing the forced cheer again. What the hell have they been through that they default to words of affirmation for gory violence? Like most characters acknowledge the gore or that it was helpful, not both. Barnes is more reserved outside of the fight. Issues? Trauma? Oh Helen spelling it out, he's my type, crap. "Emotionally unavailable pirate" is a lot of people's type TBF. No wonder I made a warding gesture on hearing Zolf's description and didn't warm up till Dover. These characters wear the red flag as a cape and I'm surprised when my heart gets broken every time. Eh Zolf came back and is doing well enough, maybe Barnes will turn out to just not be chatty vs heart rending. And Hamid in there with the initiative casting Detect Magic so they don't have to face all the risks implied with not checking over the bodies. Barnes and Carter are glowing "like a fireworks factory where things have gone wrong". Only Water Breathing on the mooks. Speaking of emotionally unavailable pirates, Zolf sounds resigned as hell. I know he's working on it but the situation would depress anyone and he's been having a time of it, what with the puzzles and all. Shutting down isn't actually coping better than being shouty just more convenient. Have I already mentioned I want someone to comfort Azu on screen so she can put herself first for once? Remember how bright she shone in Cairo? If she doesn't process soon she's going to echo Zolf's arc. Carter is trying to looking at the bright side. Thank you Ben and Alex, not only a mood lightener but one that reminds us that Zolf asks direct questions now. And Zolf just moved as clearly as possible to protect Azu after Carter lashed out in response to her. I know they have a ways to get to where Grizzop & Azu were but I think they are at least proper team mates. Maybe having Zolf on this side of the bars this time will ease anything Azu is carrying from their introduction. Cel is a delight. Did they just suggest hamster balls? I love how Alex jokes about his own set design. Ah there is Ben's Minecraft joke. I think that's what you call environmental story telling. I love the mental image of them making their entrance crashing the mine cart into the ambush, like half way between a roller-coaster and sledding. Ah its been so long Zolf can't apply his memories of mining. They are officially out! Azu and Zolf are finally breathing right. Hey Zolf broke the weather machine! Cel takes a look see. Plumes of smoke from Shoin's? Wreckage from all the storms. Zolf joins Cel and USES HIS WORDS! I am so proud of him. Like not kidding learning to proactively offer praise & comfort instead of only offering concrete assistance in reaction is a huge step. Oh Cel! Getting yourself killed fighting alone would not have been better than defending your patch. And Zolf is right there, god remember Paris? Remember Prague? Now look at him. And there is the reality check. Not as jarring as it could have been. Azu is face down on the ground near Hamid! No more putting on her game face and slogging through it! Yes, process all you need darlin, no reason to rush. Hamid checks in! Azu takes his hand and explicitly talks about how scary it was when he was missing. Hamid talks about putting on a brave face for Skraak! RQG really just said "we're giving the fandom everything they want" in an episode recorded before we had a chance to ask. Azu checks in with Hamid! Oh Hamid its ok not to be ok. Oh hat Azu! Hamid call your family 18mumble is a go! Alex I will scream if he gets another delaying tactic. Cross your fingers we might get Ishaq and Saira! Azu assures him it would OK. Timing Zolf Horses! Topaz! Barnes: right Well that's a fair reaction to a celestial camel, he doesn't even know what the T stands for. Azu hugs Topaz Thank you Alex for making judgmental celestial camel canon.  How GMs don't all go insane with power from the moment it hits they can rewrite their world on a whim is beyond me. A Shetland for Hamid, a standard sounding horse for Cel, a cart horse for Azu, and another Shetland for Zolf. Carter can't get the question out before Zolf shuts him down. He is sticking to his word to Skraak, the island belongs to the Kobolds. Hamid calls en route! Bryn remembers to roll for it! Ishaq is a great kid, such a good sign he sounds like a kid too. Yes the kids are all together in the country house! Dad is at a redacted location, thank you Alex! Mom is alright! Saira is busy and the biggest problem with Ismail is that he is now taller than Ishaq! Ismail is good at magic too. Family bonding time. Einstein is working. Emeka & Veseek are helping things. Ed is with the family. Zolf is not happy about the call. Fair Zolf but none of us are regretting that call. Eh it being a one time thing is fair. Have I mentioned I like how Hamid & Zolf bicker? Its not like with Grizzop. They assume good faith and argue about the issue not score points. Part of why I shipped them in the beginning honestly: charismatic as Hamid is he probably impressioned like a duck on the first person to care more about what he was saying than how he said it. They joke about how hard nonverbal shots are in a podcast. Yes Alex we really do respect your craft. Might have been reassuring Ben. Helen is on the audience's side as always and tells him to pay up on the promised coping mechanisms talk. And Alex makes them roll a perception check. Do not talk block. Carter has been trying to eavesdrop. Azu tells him he isn't invited and Zolf tosses something at his head. Carter slinks back off. Zolf is still not good with words but he is resisting the urge to take it back. That counts damn it! Azu: your not good at talking for someone who says we need to talk. Yes Azu, and thats what makes it special. He is willing to put himself out there and do things he is bad at for the sake of the team. I like how Helen plays Azu getting over her issues with Zolf rather than just leaping to "Hamid vouched for you so we're besties". I need a clip of this, Zolf is offering to listen and be there while respecting boundaries and citing his own experience. Helen is great, Azu jumps right into the 18 months by asking about his relationship with Poseidon. Which again makes sense, as Azu is still working on "we met after you drugged, trapped, and imprisoned me". Which I get but seriously couldn't it have been in the stew or something? Drugging a woman's drink has connotations. Azu backstory(ish) oh thank Alex her cult is still doing the good work. Zolf tells Azu this, and offers her an out? Hamid & Zolf offer reassurance. Yes Hamid specifically tells her it isn't her fault. Zolf assures her that she isn't responsible for Sasha's decisions. Cel and Carter are chatting about what they've seen on the island.  Barnes tells them to keep the volume down and does Zolf's thing of bouncing something off Carter's head when he's loud again. Hamid moves to check in with Cel. Cel calls him on it.  Hamid asks what Cel plans to do after quarantine! Thank you Bryn! Cel doesn't know, ow. Cel feels obligated to be more proactive. Hamid reassures and points out that they were able to do it as a team so its not on Cel for not acting alone. Cel what is your backstory, afraid of being the monster. Thank you, I could wrap myself in this episode like a blanket. Cel how do you know that about being friends with mercs? Hamid would do it again but wants them to have a choice. Cel: When I call you little buddy I m not referring to the size of your heart. And that was veering saccharine so Ben swoops in with the Harrison Campbell joke. Do not make me get into why Hamid might be using snobbery as a cover for continuing to care more about what people might think than what he wants. Its a cheap shot for what could equally be he's that age and still has some flaws to work through. Thank you Alex for being realistic about horse pace without turning it into a word problem. Wilde! Cel points out the inn keeper could be infected, the boys explain the system of watching one another. Zolf is not letting Wilde get cute with his team again. Wilde wants them "fully supervised" in the bath. I feared that Alex, Wilde turned himself off again. Zolf calls him on it, kinda. They skim past the bath, thank you that could have been problematic. Thank goodness they are leaving the cell door open but locking the trap door. The new kids are in quarantine with them. Fair, going to be fun, but fair.  

[bat-lings]

How do you think Bruce would react to finding out Jason slept with Talia?

To be honest Anon, that’s the one thing I didn’t like in Lost Days. I think Jason and Talia’s relationship would have been so much more interesting without that— and it was up until they slept together and ruined it all for me. Plus I know Winick had his reasons to write that scene but it’s not something I could see Talia initiating (the real Talia, mind. not the post-Morrison one).

It’s something I like to ignore ever happened? In my own personal AU Talia is strictly a mother-figure of sorts and no sex happens between them ever. I’m a rebel.

That makes speculating on Bruce’s reaction kinda hard for me but you still deserve an answer so let’s ignore what I want for five seconds.

Firstly, even putting the sex scene aside Bruce has all the reasons to be angry with Talia for keeping his son’s revival from him, not sending Jason home, and sponsoring his super killer training. So even in my “no dubious sex ever” AU, Bruce is mad at Talia.

A) The “it was rape” glasses: in which case their sleeping together is a manipulative & possibly coercive move on Talia’s part. It goes with keeping Jason away from Bruce and showing him Tim’s photos as Robin. Talia not only encourages Jason into his estrangement from the fam, she actively hurts him in order to… Hm.

Idk, even if we admit she wants Jason to go after Bruce (which, not that simple. she gave Jason all he wanted in means of teachers as a way to stall him, hoping he’d change his mind), by the time they have sex it’s a given that he’s gonna do that without her needing to manipulate him? It’s not a way to keep him in her clutches either since she lets Jason leave to do whatever he pleases afterwards and they don’t interact again? So basically she does it because she can and she likes the power trip I guess. Yes it’s ooc no matter how you look at it

Anyway irrelevant, with those glasses Talia consciously hurts Jason. Bruce is rightfully horrified. Also with that framing, Jason is perhaps liberated from a great share of the responsibility for his actions as Red Hood, since it implies Talia’s affection for him was fake & he was manipulated to take that road from the get-go. At the very least he was with an abuser for several years.

That would change Bruce’s look on Jason’s deeds, and possibly make him more forgiving. Don’t know if it would actually ease a reconciliation since Jason would still very much hate Bruce, but Bruce would surely approach the matter differently.

… So basically we’re throwing a decades-old character under the bus to make Jason look less like the villain he was supposed to be and ease his return into the batfamily. It’s as convenient as making Talia an abuser to automatically justify Damian turning to his father’s values. I can’t say I’m on board with that kind of shortcut, and I don’t think it’s the story Winick told anyway, but you do you.

B) The “it was consensual” glasses: with that reading we consider that Jason hasn’t been under the pit’s influence for a long time (seems to be the case throughout the second part of Lost Days, he’s extremely deliberate about everything he does) thus is able of consent, and that he’s very much on board with spiting Bruce. Here there’s not so much of a power imbalance.

Well. It’s still very much disturbing, especially if you know that Jason’s and Talia’s relationship was more edging towards mother-son before they have sex. It’s unhealthy, except this time it’s unhealthy for both characters. Bruce would be rightfully disturbed, for a start.

With those glasses we edge closer to Winick’s intent*, a purposefully disturbing scene meant to highlight how both characters are messed up. For them it was also partly a way to get back at Bruce, whom they’re both angry with at the time.

Without dismissing Jason’s agency, Talia is still the older woman** and shouldn’t have initiated something that was unhealthy, no matter how irrational/messed up she was herself. She pretty much took the vow to take care of Jason when she took him under her wing (and didn’t inform Bruce); and she broke that vow by sleeping with him.

So Bruce would probably blame her too. It’s not a conscious, manipulative move against Jason anymore but it adds up with the rest and how she encouraged his estrangement. All decisions that Bruce would hold against her.

As for Jason, it wouldn’t impact their relationship since with that scenario Jason conserves all his agency and there’s no reason to regard his actions as Red Hood with a more forgiving eye. Agreeing to sleep with a would-be mother figure just to spite Bruce is one more statement of how far Jason’s gone, and how much he reorganized his entire life around Bruce.

Oh and if you were wondering whether Bruce would be jealous/hurt that Talia would sleep with someone else, I don’t think he would be. He’s been with many women himself and I don’t think he’d expect Talia not to do the same, I don’t see him as a jealous lover either. According to Winick Jason and Talia sleep together partly to get back at Bruce but the simple fact that they think it could actually hurt him is proof of how irrational they’re being imo.

At most Bruce would be worried for Jason and angry at Talia, but not hurt exactly. Basically what reaction Bruce has would impact his relationship with Talia more than his relationship with Jason, I think.

* Mind, writer intent doesn’t necessarily excuse anything. Grayson wrote a rape scene and initially denied it was rape; it doesn’t change the fact that it was very much a rape scene. I am stating that B) was the intended reading, not that it’s the reading you must have. Winick speaks about that scene here:

fuckyeahjasontodd.tumblr .com/post/7214779500/comicvine-podcast-judd-winick-talks-jason-todd

** About the age gap: post-crisis!Talia is canonly significantly younger than Bruce and if I calculated right Jason is around 19 when they sleep together. Don’t know exactly how many years separate them, probably still too much, but probably less than what it could seem. Still disturbing, but more for the mother-son thing than the age thing imo.

That’s surely not the answer you expected Anon, my speculating ability is pretty low where that scene is concerned. I tried my best but I’m not sure I managed to give you an interesting answer lmao. Still, thanks for the ask!

[toheartt]

10(ish) little things that make me happy 😻

I was tagged by @lilbubtaemin thank you so much, i loved all your answers 💫

When I wake up early enough to have time to drink coffee in bed and lazily scroll through my phone while I'm still in that half-dreamy fuzzy head space and no one is up and it's quiet so I can ease into my day

Saving up a little extra money to get a kind of high end makeup or skincare product and then waiting for it to arrive in the mail and opening up the packaging and trying it out for the first time

When a cat pushes her face against you so you'll pet her (even better: when she puts her paw on your forearm!!!!) When a cat looks at you with her eyes slightly closed and blinks 💕 Idk if this sounds crazy but it always reminds me of Taemin?!?

When I get along with someone and the time with them feels easy, I'm not constantly worried if they find me boring or annoying, we can weave in and out of talking and touching and stay in the same space together and be perfectly at home

Anything miniature and intricate, when I was a kid I used to beg my mom to take me to this museum near our house because it had a toy train set that was encrusted with jewels?! Also making modular origami/kusudamas, anything small and detailed and beautiful 💐

When I get everything done early enough in the weekend and I can space out and listen to music and draw for hours without feeling like I'm "wasting time," just anytime I can do something I love for awhile and not have to feel bad about taking downtime

Long, long walks, walking for hours and miles until I'm blissfully tired and all the green from the trees starts to blur and blend and expand in my eyes and I can't wait to go home

When I step out of the shower and my towel and pajamas are clean and still kind of warm from the dryer and my sheets smell just a tiny bit like detergent and the room is cold enough to burrow under the covers

Listening to podcasts as I fall asleep, can't fall asleep any other way unless someone else is in the bed with me

💗 A few bonus extra mini happinesses 💗

Munching on cabbage idk why it makes me so happy

Books with thick paper and kinda large print, I just like that!!

When a pretty and lovely woman smiles at me I just feel so safe and good

I tag @swciii @stringofhearts @agu5td @hand-painted-stars @softiejinki @05kjh 💫🎧💕

[latinuser]

Okay so I’m currently in a bit of a root of depression/insecurity/HELLA QUESTIONING MY SHIT right now, which all added together with the need of a job kind of fucks over the mental state to create stuff and get out of that funk. You just sorta. Binge? Lay there doing nothing, you aren’t super upset at that moment but you don’t feel anything, so you’re watching comedy skits or anime or something to bring yourself to a high point so that you can feel motivated to do anything.

But, while being in this shit hole where the majority of my brain turns to: Nobody supports you, you don’t know what you feel so how dare you even think the way you do/you’re fucking over other people you love/you have it so easy stfu

I decided, LETS TRY AND BE PRODUCTIVE (and vent sorta with the above) and so I’m gonna throw up a bunch of shit I like to do to try and help myself feel better (because I can be happy in a moment but it fades over time with the whole depression until you feel like a void)

So, down below is gonna be just some shit I do to make myself do stuff set into categories of:

Art/Drawing

Writing

and Chores

Key note, this works for me. It may not for others, but if it works for some people then I’m glad to provide a little relief.

If anyone else has other advice/resources add on to this post!!

ART/DRAWING

First thing I suggest is something I’ve been doing for ages before I even recognized I was doing it for my depression.

Find a super old piece of art you did, like two-three years ago, and then re-draw it. For slumps (especially long ones) where Depression just won’t let you think creatively, not having to overthink what you’re drawing is helpful. Having an old piece where the pose/the basic composition of the piece is already decided let’s you just work through everything faster, even if you change the pose slightly/what the character is doing. You know the scene, that’s the important bit.

Once done, look back at the old piece, then what you can do now. You may not be satisfied with where you are, but, you are almost guaranteed to be better than the older piece. 

Second thing is memes. Whether it’s draw your character memes or faces or something, just. Draw them. All of them. It’s a good warm up, and it also let’s you go kind of zen and, again, not have to think creatively.

Third is get paper (physical paper) and pen, crayons, etc... any and all different mediums, and just. Scribble. Not being specific has a bit of freedom in it and lets you get out of a “What tf do I draw, it has to be perfect/anything i do is shit” mindset.

Fourth is similar to the last. If you have a medium you haven’t used in a long time (pen/paper, pencil/paper, colored pencils, marker, etc...) pick it up again. Usually making yourself work with something you aren’t used to/haven’t done in a long time lets you see the other skills you’ve progressed and feels good at the time, lets you move forward a bit easier.

Fifth, drink something hydrating. Water, tea, etc... just something that isn’t soda or energy drinks. This is more so just an “in general” statement, but I find I think more clearly when I’m drinking cold water.

WRITING

First thing I like to do is, similar to the first drawing is, read my old writing. Not re-write it, but just. Read it. Read it and pick out all my mistakes and laugh at my grammar or cringy I was. It helps me see where I flubbed out and where I can improve.

Second is pencil/paper write it out. Write out some of your story beats, how it works, etc... Hell, if you have a whiteboard thats even better! This way you can get a far away look at everything. (Also there’s just something to me about writing on paper?? Idk, it’s nice)

Third is eat/drink something. Yeah, same as the fifth one for drawing but this is!!! SUPER!!! IMPORTANT!!!!!! Sometimes you dont realize the reason your head is foggy/your “muse” or your mojo isn’t working is cuz “I haven’t eaten in like 9+ hours and holy shit is that the time?” So just. Get some water, get some fruit/peanuts/something small at your desk and snack while you write.

Fourth is turning all your text white in whatever document. This is more so if you just get stuck at a specific part for me, but it can work for this too. Turning your text white makes you have to ignore your mistakes / what you wrote prior and just keep moving forward, cuz you backspace once and who tf knows what’s going on.

CHORES

Chores are monotonous things that, when you have 0 energy and can’t see a point in doing anything, kind of get pushed to the side. Especially in comparison to the creative things (like writing/drawing) that get pushed to the side because “I can not do that” but!! Here’s a few things I do right before starting them to keep me going.

First thing is white noise.

No. Really. Just. Put something on in the background and have that playing while you drag your butt around the house. This won’t work all the time (like all of these won’t work all of the time) but I find it’s helpful.

Second, family help. So this one is, again, not for everybody and definitely not gonna work if you don’t have someone around who’s willing to take your phone/tablet/random device away from you, but. If you do. Ask your sibling/parent/friend to take your phone away from you after (x) amount of time (i usually say 20 minutes cuz that gets me through one YT episode) and then to take it and hide it (still playing, mind you) and hide it somewhere.

Not too hard, but def. somewhere I gotta go and search. Makes me get up, makes me have to go to whatever other room it is, and means I’m much more likely to keep moving.

Third is, honest to god, showering. Just. Do it?? I dunno what it is about showering, and I don’t care if it’s 9AM, Noon, or 11PM, take a shower. Showers can help you wake up or wind down and, generally, the water will ease you and make you relax more. Plus, as said with above, once you start moving, you keep going. Even if you don’t quite understand why.

Fourth is binging while you work. I usually carry my phone around with me, YT or a Podcast blasting in my pocket and just walk around and do my chores kind of numbly in these moods. It’s not the easiest and I do get 100% distracted/just don’t want to keep going. But it helps me, similarly to white noise.

Fifth, can anybody guess what this is?

That’s right. Drink/Eat stuff. AND AGAIN, make sure it isn’t just junk food or soda/carbonated drinks. Again, fruit, peanuts, just something?? Is better than nothing.

Anyway there are some of my things. Hope this helped some people?? As a final “THIS IS WHAT I LOOK AT” I’ll put down some pretty sappy/funny stuff I like to watch in this mood to give me more positive ... mess of something in my stomach while I work.

Lucahjin

Masaenala

Chuggaconroy

TheRunawayGuys

Ponder Sprocket

TheZodiacLord

TheOdd1sOut

Jaiden Animations

[whenispeakicrossmyfingers]

the year ahead

I really liked @joyfulrachel‘s goals for the next ten years, so I’m going to do something similar to that, because maybe if I put these notions somewhere other than my own head, I’ll actually stick to them. (Probably not, but let’s humor ourselves). 

take better care of myself 

this is multifold I think. I’ve recently gone off birth control, which I’ve been on for the last 6 years (!?), and it has made some unwanted changes appear in my life. Namely acne and hormones. So that said, I want to be much more intentional about what I eat and how I take care of my skin and body because I’ve never really been good at that. 2017 I made the effort to have a face routine and I stuck to that fairly solidly for the year and only when I was traveling did I neglect it (I know that’s when my skin needed it the most but I’m still learning how to travel best for myself so maybe that’ll be a goal in the future idk). I also have started eating healthier since moving to France (because I have no friends and no one to go out to eat with lol) and I really like that I’ve done that! That’s something I want to continue doing in 2018 and hopefully it’ll cement itself into my life forever. 

I also want to exercise more. I’m not very good at it, but I want to improve it in a way that is good for me. I really enjoy walking, and I walk nearly everywhere I go, so I want to do that more often. Also yoga or some simple exercises I can do in my apartment that are relatively low impact and don’t leave me completely gasping for air. This goes with the whole intentionality goal that I have for 2018, but I want to be better about my overall health and well being and unfortunately exercise is part of that too. 

read more 

this is a huge goal for 2018. College kind of killed my love of reading because I was doing it so much, and now that I’m in France I can only find French books (still good, but I’m not quite good enough to read full novels in French yet). But in Dublin this past week I got two new books: Sive by John B. Keane, which is actually a play that I saw at the Abbey Theatre in Dublin four years ago that irrevocably changed me, and I’ve been searching for ever since.  The other is How Much the Heart Can Hold: Seven Stories on Love, and I’m v excited to read it because it deals with different types of love, not just romantic. The cover art is beautiful too and I might steal Rachel’s idea (again) and post some thoughts about the books I read this year. To both hold myself accountable and give more of my thoughts to people who haven’t asked for them. 

write more

I’m being published at the end of the month (!!) and I’ve been writing a lot more creatively (it’s all fan fiction tbh but there’s value in it so don’t @ me), and I’ve been talking a lot with @stardustheartbeats about creative writing and prose and basically everything writing related, and it’s reminded me how much I really do love it. I don’t necessarily have aims to write a novel or essays or even really publish anything, but I do miss fiction writing and the joy it brings me. So this year I want to be more intentional about writing and revising--especially revising because I’m terrible at it--so I want to look at old things I’ve written and see if I can breathe new life into them. Or write some new things. Or at the very least, journal with intention, not just when things are falling apart. So yeah, writing more is a big goal of mine just for life in general. 

apply to grad school

I’ve been thinking lately and this just feels like the right step. There are several programs I’ve been looking at, currently all in Europe, but I need to do more research on US based ones too so my mom doesn’t think I’m abandoning her. There are a few in Ireland that would be fantastic, and a few in Oslo that sound incredibly cool. I really need to sit down, weigh out the pros and cons of each, decide which ones I actually want to apply for, and then actually do it. This is actually my main goal for January, because this needs to be done soon. I might scream into this void to do that, so if anyone wants to chat about my future and help me figure out what I’m supposed to do, hmu. I like talking about myself and my passions, but I’m bad at being objective about my own life. 

apply for jobs

In case grad school doesn’t work out! I’ll also need a job when I return to America, so I’m going to need to do this anyway. I’ve always been bad at this, because my college gave me so many connections, that networking and getting jobs via that was so easy. So I need to polish up my resume and send it out to people and hopefully nonprofits will hire me so that I can make a difference in the world and not have to go back to the donut shop I was at. 

improve my languages (and potentially learn a new one?)

I really need to buckle down and work on my French. My goal by the time I leave at the end of April is to be mostly fluent. I know that’s not going to be easy, but that means I need to leave my house more, listen to more French podcasts, and talk to people in French instead of relying so heavily on English as I do.  I also really want to improve my Norwegian. I started learning it around this time last year because of Skam and I ended up really falling in love with it. When I was in Oslo for Christmas, I felt like I could grasp Norwegian about as well as I understood French when I first got to France, which is saying something for having only learned it for a year. It’s also just a really cool language and I like finding the nuances and connections between it and the other languages I know. So I’m probably going to do the same thing I am with French and search out more media in Norwegian (podcasts, movies, music, etc). 

That said, I think it would be really cool to learn another language this year. Probably, if I do, it’ll be something either Romantic or Germanic based (I’m not quite ready to tackle languages with completely different structures, but maybe one day!). So if anyone has language suggestions or wants to talk to me in another language, feel free! I want to practice more, and it’s nice to do it with someone else, rather than just myself. 

use this blog more intentionally

I’m still not entirely sure what I mean by this, but I’ll probably use this more to keep myself accountable of everything I just listed above. I tend to not put a lot of effort into anything I do. Call it laziness, call it a short attention span, call it me being a true Taurus and just preferring to stay in bed all the time. Whatever it may be, I’m going to try to be more intentional about what I do all the time. I’m going to curate my life to what I want it to be, and that might seem silly or superficial to do it with aesthetics and stuff, but knowing me as a person, that’s a good way to ease into caring about everything on a larger scale. So starting small and making a point of doing things, rather than just doing them willy nilly, I think will somehow work it’s way into my life. Hopefully. We’ll see. 

manage my time better

I’m horrible with my time!! I spend too much time watching netflix and not enough time doing other productive things! I need to force myself to be better about that, starting small with making myself write for a bit every day and focusing on my lesson plans. Then maybe making it bigger with other things like the first goal on this list. 

Anyway, that’s enough rambling from me! It’s not ten, but this is all I can think of. These are things that I’ve been thinking about a lot. So, like I said, hopefully me writing them down will hold my accountable for my actions. I really have made strides in the last three months, being on my own and doing things for me, just because they feel good (read: doing the dishes every night, making my bed nearly every day, and actually cooking myself real meals). Here’s to 2018 and the growth it will inevitably bring. Hopefully it’s good. 

[dancekickboxcardio]

I can’t wait 😊 for two weeks 📅. I am excited 😆 to get my make up 💄. I actually booked my sister’s facial. She wants that I go with her. I am paying 💵. She is sitting for me. I’d love 💗 for her to try it out. It was a great service for me. Your face is smooth for like months.

I also checked out Lifetime’s email 📧 because I actually check my inbox 📨 and I am sure to show up every Saturday this October. Why? I am signed 🖊 up for group exercises. I thought 💭 why not? Meet new people.

They also have have a social run 🏃🏼‍♀️ and a personal training event at no extra cost 💲💲 💲💲💲. Uhm 😐, big deal. I know the membership is pretty steep. My old gym membership was half the price. I really look 👀 at things many ways. One of them is ok, it’s $79, divvy that 30 days, that’s like $3 per day. Ok, you are not going to attend everyday. What’s the least amount of times you can show up? Let’s say reasonably with some effort 3 days. Three times seven is 21. Divide that by 3 days, seven bucks. That’s still not bad. Did you guys see the facility? It’s like luxury to the utmost level. All these to say that my eyes 👀 are burning 🥵 because I didn’t remove my make up 🧖🏼‍♀️ completely. I have a varied face wash 🧼 routine. Sometimes I scrub to exfoliate, I brush, I use a creamy soap, a liquid thin cleanser. Other times to preserve moisture, I use emollients to remove my blush and eye ��� stuff and skip toner which Clinique calls like lotion. I hear 👂🏾 one of my cats 🐈 🐈 🐈 hacking. But I can’t wait 😊 to get my new sets of eyeliners. The cheap ones are running out. Which means I have to go to the next best alternative.

I was hurried this day. My Dad reminded me to prepare early. What did I do? I think 🤔 I was on my phone 📱. I didn’t have enough time to dry my hair and fix myself and I was haphazardly putting my lunch 🍴 and making my pumpkin 🎃 spice fit Americano ☕️. I had no eyeliner. My gawd. I chat 💬 with Lorene and I said hi 👋🏾 to Jenny. I told her about how I was nauseous that day. I really have to load myself with lemon 🍋 and water 💦 before I get in motion. Otherwise, I am miserable 😩 ready to puke 🤢. I lost my nerves knowing that I might not be that invincible. No one is that. So we’d like to think 💭. I don’t know 🤷🏼‍♀️. I felt like a Mom in fear of safety. It was madening. I mean it’s like you are losing your senses worried 😦. I was a little anxious 😟 this day. I had fearful energy in me. I can operate in many emotional states. I can adjust with ease. Sometimes I like it overcome me. Yes, there is a cognitive component and please don’t neglect that it is a system, physiology hacks the process. Things you pick up on podcast 🎧. Yes, I am ordering my Economist next year.

I was admiring my hair. I love ❤️ it and I wanted to wear it like it is. I haven’t had lunch 🥙 and I decided to go easy on my back. But I really wanted my hair up. It’s annoying my neck. I put it up to ruin my straight hair. After, I lose the hairtie to change my approach. I know it’s weird and I don’t have the entire post to explain it. But said simply, I wanted to think 💭 of how I am with something different. I can tell I acted differently. I also was wearing my pants 👖 in command so I can take it. I am not sure 🤔 if it’s the same about you. Well, no one is completely at ease with themselves. But you adjust on how you fix yourself. It has everything to do with body image. It just dawned on me point of control.

Yeah, I was irritable the entire time. But my mood was of course upbeat. Exercise 💪🏾 🦵🏾 loosens up my intensity and softens me. Perhaps, it’s dance 💃🏼. IDK 😐. But apart from my thick voluminous hair, I was working out 🏋🏼‍♀️ right after every meal 🥘. I was not soldiering it out. I was nursing, babying myself. I was comfy, snug, cozy. I was noticing how my belly was heavy. I don’t shape that part of my body. Nobody can be that perfect. It’s ok. Being human is something I embrace. I checked in with Molly and she said unlike swimming 🏊🏻‍♀️ you can do your thing after having food 🥘. But I still get heavy and I couldn’t metabolic conditioning it with the uncomfortableness 😣 and the fear 😱 that I might throw up 🤮 what I ate plus other stomach contents. So I rowed 🚣🏼‍♀️. It was in spurts. I had my caffeine afternoon fix which held me up pretty good. I was up 1230a this day. I worked on my legs and there was this couple that I kept running into. They were working on the same stuff. I took my break. If I remem correctly I was on my phone 📱. Yup. I was looking for a charging station 🔌. I had my dinner 🍽 and time was so crunched up. I barely had 60 minutes on cardio ❤️. But guess what, I cannot move wide and fast 💨 anyway. I was too full. I maybe in a good mood 🙂 but at the back of my mind I am not happy 😒 that I didn’t maximize my path to wellness routine. I guess hidden from conscious executive thoughts 💭 I know that health is of great importance ⚠️. I was back at Dance 🕴🏻Jams and if I remember I was taking it easy. I feel that the members were more into it yesterday, Thursday than Tuesday. It was pretty sluggish. I was taking it easy too. I have this idea 💡 that it must have been the beat 🎶. I was pleased 😀 to join something that I like doing and like any normal person you question where you are, if what you are feeling is what it is, legitimacy of what you know and your emotions, you notice the alternative and just be there and not process everything as raw data all at once.

[beesmygod]

do you have any advice for people who are just.... tired of fighting? people who are mentally ill and don't have the emotional energy to fight anymore, but can only stand on the sidelines and support others taking action. i feel like im in survival mode right now, not even paying attention to most news about trump because i'm so incredibly exhausted that even trying to pull my head out of the sand seems like it would be detrimental to my mental health. what can people like me do in the meantime?

this was me for so many years. i totally understand.

it comes and goes. these exhaustion are waves, not permanent declines. the weather fucking sucks, s.a.d. is out in full force and the world is really bad. this is a really tough time to be depressed in.

my advice for the short term:

1. try to do at least 1 constructive thing a day: like “do a load of laundry” “wipe down kitchen counters” or “do homework”. something that’s attainable and has a clear ending. soon it becomes habit, instead of a chore. and youll start to want to get it out of the way earlier and earlier in the day until its the first thing you do. then...you have potential time for more things and you’re standing upright so you might as well do stuff. its like that new fucked up engine nasa’s working on that builds up propulsion over time using tiny amounts of energy. its a little trickle before the dam can burst.

most importantly it helps create a living environment thats overall better. idk about you but when my rooms clean i feel at ease.

2. dont beat yourself up: and if you can’t do that? man, aim for the next day. habits dont become habits overnight. they take time. do what you’re capable of. not what you THINK you should be able to do.

3. hygiene hygiene HYGIENE: THIS is hard too, i know. but this is another thing that i guarantee you will at least make things 10% better at LEAST. scrub your face, clip your toe and fingernails, get a haircut, take a hot shower with a nice smelling soap. hell bring your phone in there and listen to a podcast while you take a bath. make it enjoyable. and please brush your teeth 2x a day. your teeth are super important and a pain in the ass to fix after the fact.

4. ask for help: on one of your “do one thing today” events, look up free counseling in the area, or see what your insurance covers. look for people with similar problems who are recovering or making strides for recovery. surround yourself with people who can and will support you when you fall backwards.

5. put your blinders on, temporarily- the world fucking sucks right now. cant disagree with that. and i think exposing yourself to endless parades of bad news doesnt do anything but compound how helpless we feel. its like, you can put out a small fire in your trash can but the inferno raging outside is still there. my constant thought process was “theres so much bad in the world, how can we ever hope to do any good?”

so...block yourself out for a while and create a peaceful space to recenter yourself. block news sites, tumblr, twitter, whatever you need to. i use stay focusd if i need some breathing room.

i guess, in summary...you need to make a space (physical and emotional) where you can unpack things healthily. plants dont grow they dont have the basics. same with people. you say you only have the energy for others, but you’re just expending what energy you have on others. its okay to do something “selfish” if its for your own good and no one gets hurt. youre not taking up anyone’s time but your own. and you have a whole lifetime of time. 

be comfy, anon. try your best to do good for you for a while. see how it goes.