#idk my usual model for how much to care about people who have reached this point is not at all so you may as well be tortured for eternity?

[threetrenchcoatsinatrenchcoat]

i've discovered a quite large category of people who never got into The Good Place and the only way they could articulate their disinterest was, "there's no stakes cause they're already dead." i'm obsessed with the idea the only reason they could enjoy seinfeld is they imagined kramer could beef it any fucking second

[levi-my-beloved]

Birds of a Feather

Chapter one

Pairings: Canon!Levi x F!reader

Content warnings: violence, swearing

Word count: 4K

Summary: You were the most notorious criminal in the Underground City. With your organisation of highly skilled professionals, only one man could take you down. He also happened to be Humanity’s Strongest… and your ex.

A/N: asdfghjkl hello there. so, this has been on my brain for a while now, so i started this as just a drabble. what i thought would stay as just a drabble turned into this 22k+ multi chapter fic because i have zero self restraint or self respect. i’m currently finishing chapter 5 as this is being posted, but i want to keep chapters posted around once every two weeks so i can keep up with the workload. maybe once a week if i start feeling spicy. yeah plot twist this is actually the second time i’ve drafted this up. the first time i managed to get everything done and in order and then manages to delete the entire post with my huge disgusting thumbs. Genuinely felt like crying for a good half an hour.

This is also my first Levi fic! yay! lmk if it sucks and idk i’ll cry or something. nah, in all seriousness please send me criticism cuz i really want to improve and critiques are the best way.

𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔

“How down, Raven?”

“Six feet.”

Within the dank confines of a stinking alleyway, two green capes marked with the Military Police insignia crept ever closer to the taller, run-down building upon which you and your little squad of Shadows were now perched. No sunlight illuminated your position. Not that you’d ever seen the sun, or know what it even looked like, but you based your guesses upon the pathetic rays shining through the grates littering the ceiling of the Underground City.

The language you used with your Shadows, coded words translated to:

‘How do you want them to be dealt with?’

‘Death.’

It was something developed by your late guardian and mentor, Viper. See, you all had aliases in The Nest, your criminal organisation. The leader was often referred to as The Raven, however your mentor preferred to use his own nickname, stemming from his own reputation.

Then come the aliases for your Shadows. Prongs was your second, a tall, stern looking man with the black mask of a stag settled across his features.

Then came Wolf, and you swore the first time you’d set eyes on him, you thought a titan had wandered into the city. He was enormous, all 6ft 6ins of him carved in hard muscle. Slicked back silver hair and a beard that to rival a bear. Similar to Prongs, a mask sat upon his face, resembling that of a snarling wolf.

Following him was Verdant, Scales and Diablo. Your power trio. Though their special talents lay in different professions, get these three together and they were borderline unstoppable. A white mask decorated with three broad maple leaves obscured Verdant’s pretty features, Scales sported a bronze half mask etched with a snake-like diamond pattern, whilst Diablo, your trained escort, had opted for something that accentuated her own gorgeous features, a mask of black leather arcing high onto her brow on the left side, whilst the right arced low by her jaw. Though you were already spoken for, you couldn’t deny the beauty of Diablo. She did wonders when prying information between the legs of a moaning MP.

To your left crouched the twins, Una and Leaf. Una was gifted her name by none other than you yourself, after seeing her accuracy with a rifle. A single shot was all it took, from any distance. She wore no mask, something you’d allowed simply because she’d complained about the sight obstruction when lining up a shot. You’d agreed, but only under the condition that she wore a low hood. Her fiercely protective brother Leaf had chewed you out for that, but you knew he meant well. Leaf was good at what he did, excellent, in fact. Which was part of the reason you kept him on as a Shadow. The larger part was that you were damn fond of him. Of all of them, in fact. You loved every single one of your Shadows. Every single damned member of The Nest, you adored. You were their leader, afterall.

A masked helmet of black leather, similar material to Diablo’s, perched snug upon your own features. The hooked beak and obsidian feathers of a raven decorated the necessity, covering your face and hair, though leaving your lower features visible. It was a rite of passage, for you especially, and it signalled the start of your leadership.

“Una, set up. Verdant, Prongs, roundabout. Wolf…” your eyes slid to the giant man on your right, a dark smile slicing across your mouth. “Heel.”

The boulder of a man visibly sagged, clearly disappointed at your orders whilst the others sprang into action. Prongs and Verdant leapt across the rooftops in separate directions whilst Una removed her rifle from her back, parting her heavy cloak to reveal rounds and rounds of bullets strapped across her body. Leaf nestled closer into her side, whilst the other four took a step back. It was obvious you’d all been at this for a very long time, despite the twins not looking a day older than sixteen. In fact, most of your squad was younger than you, save for Wolf and Prongs, who had served their respective roles twice previously.

Sitting back on your heels, you watched your team get to work, the warmth of pride blossoming in your chest. Whilst you knew Prongs and Wolf were already incredibly skilled, the rest had flourished under your leadership. It had been ten years since you’d witnessed MPs put a bullet through your mentor’s skull. Ten long years since you’d taken up leadership and expanded the reaches of The Nest. Honestly, you were pretty proud of yourself, and none more so than when you watched your Shadows do what they do best.

Taking care of unwanted visitors.

Una took aim, resting the butt of her rifle in the crook of her shoulder, staring down the makeshift scope. She would be ready to take care of the two soldiers if either Prongs or Verdant failed to eliminate their targets.

Speaking of which…

That kernel of pride ignited as your (E/C) eyes followed Verdant’s careful, calculating form dropping from the rooftops above the alleyway, in sync with Prong’s own movements. The two assassins swooped with the grace of a stooping hawk, the silver glint of metal caught your eye as they both brandished their blades, before sinking the steel into the necks of the two soldiers. You didn’t need to be closer to see they were both dead. Expert precision. Deadly accuracy. That was why these people were your hand-picked Shadows. And why you were the most formidable gang leader in the Underground City. Your little criminal organisation had expanded into something to rival the killcount of Kenny the Ripper. You couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought.

Una lowered her weapon, strapping it back in the buckles between her shoulder blades.

“Finished.” she simply stated, turning back to drop down between the shattered tiles and splintered ceiling beams that marked your entrance and exit to this lookout point.

“Rendezvous back at The Nest,” you ordered flatly, before dropping forward and into the alleyway below.

“Anything?” you ask, a brow raised behind your raven mask as you saunter over. Prongs held up two sets of blades from one of the crimson bodies now gathering dirt and grime. Useless to you as they were, but somebody would definitely find an interest in them. Verdant seemed to be struggling with the straps of whatever gear these mosquitoes used to fly around. You’d never been able to figure out how to use it, but that shit made good money when in doubt. However, your usual buyers had disappeared off the face of the city, and you’d noticed a decline in gear sales since then. Gritting your teeth, you shook your head to Verdant, laying a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t. It’s not worth it. The thug trio haven’t been back in years. I doubt they’d return to us now,” you explain softly, prompting the girl to stop her struggles and huff defeatedly. You’re heart ached softly at the thought of him, but you pushed the feeling down.

“Here,” she muttered, handing you another rifle. It seemed to be a newer model, something of an upgrade for Una.

“You did good, Ver. I’m proud of you,” that seemed to immediately lighten the girl’s mood, her eyes shining behind her mask as her mouth widened into a toothy grin.

“Thanks Raven!” she beamed, before scampering off back to The Nest, almost forgetting to take the gun back from your outstretched hand in her haste to make it back and tell everyone she’d received a compliment from you. It wasn’t an everyday occurrence. Rather it only happened once in a blue moon…

A huffed chuckle had your head turning and eyes narrowing to your second in command.

“Can I help you?” you ask, your tone dripping with the poisonous threat of hell if he chose his next words poorly. But Prongs continued to smile ever so slightly, shaking his head.

“Not at all, Raven. It’s just, in the last few years, since you drafted her into the Shadows, she’s really come into her own,” Prongs explained simply, shrugging as she stooped to kick over the now drained corpse, hoping to find anything useful. You bristle ever so slightly. That was something you hated. Compliments. How the fuck were you supposed to respond? You tried to think back to when Viper tried to teach you simple social skills.

“Uh, yeah. She has,” you respond, keeping your features as neutral as you could as you turned away, beginning to trudge back to The Nest.

“I’m serious, Rave. You’ve done incredible things for us. You know Viper would be proud of you. I am too. But…” Prongs trailed off, clearing having something to say but not knowing how to say it.

“Go on. But what?” you pressed, wanting to hear what your second in command had to say.

“Well, don’t you think it’s a bit much? Rave, it’s been years. Eyes have started looking in our direction since those three vanished. You don’t think we should be lying low for a bit? Calming suspicions instead of rousing them?” Prongs offered gently. You knew, deep down, he was right. But some notable gang disappearing hasn’t stopped you before, and it sure as hell wouldn’t stop you now.

“I’ll talk to Scar about it,” even just the mention of your advisor, and wife’s name gave your stomach butterflies. Scarlett Obsidine, your other, and better, half. After the disappearance of a certain dark haired man, Scar was the woman who comforted you, and though you missed him dearly, your heart managed to haphazardly piece itself back together and love all over again.

“Rave, listen—“

“Let’s go,” Prongs closed his mouth, the tone of your voice stating clearly that this matter wasn’t up for discussion. Especially not with him.

⎈⎈⎈⎈⎈⎈⎈⎈

“You know he’s right,” you couldn’t help but sigh when your wife’s soft tones calmed your irritated mood. Soft hands gently kneaded at the tense muscles in your shoulders, forcing them to relax as a tired moan escaped your lips. Leaning back, you peer into her shining sapphire eyes, locks of brunette framing your face as she took the sides of your cheeks in her hands and leaned down, softly pecking your lips with her own. You couldn’t help humming a smile against her mouth, reaching up to deepen the kiss, but she pulled away before you could.

“Scaaaaar…” you pout, looking up at her mischievous smirk as she winked playfully.

“(Y/N)...” Scarlett sighed, swinging her legs over your body to sink into your lap, one thumb now caressing one of the most prominent features on your face. A nasty, jagged scar ran down from the the top of your forehead, over your right eye and finishing just past your jaw bone. One (E/C) iris lighter than the other as a result of the old wound. Soft lips chase away the shadows of your past as Scarlett replaced her thumb with her mouth.

“(Y/N), I don’t want to find you dead in some alleyway because you picked a fight you couldn’t win,” a finger poked your chest as she huffed above you, feigning irritation. You roll your eyes, (E/C) landing on your gear now strung across the table. That raven helmet almost calling to you as you shook your head. Disagreeing with your wife was never a good idea, but you were feeling particularly bold this evening.

“Look. So many jobs have opened up recently. We have so many opportunities to make this life more comfortable. More jobs means more money, more money means we can afford the gate toll and actually see the world above ground. And I can finally buy you an actual ring.”. Technically, you two weren’t married. Who the fuck would be stupid enough to perform marriage ceremonies in the underground City? But, it was easier than saying you were devoted to each other in every single way.

Lightly smacking your chest, Scarlett raised herself from your lap with a hefty sigh. “One of these days (Y/N), you’re going to be captured or killed,” she said quietly, unable to meet your eyes. “And then what the hell will I do…?” Scarlett had now completely turned away from you, shoulders hunched. Running a hand down your face, you pick your sore body up from the chair, reaching her in a matter of strides.

“I can’t give this up, Scar. You know that. You knew that when you chose to be with me. You knew The Nest was always going to be my priority,” you held out your arm, hand hovering over her back, not sure whether to comfort her or let her go. The admission almost had her in tears, you could tell by the way her shoulders shook ever so gently.

“You still miss him don’t you?” It was her vulnerable, defeated tone that alerted you to the slight change of topic.

You fell silent, not really knowing how to respond. Yes, of course you missed him. You loved him more than anything. But those days are over, you knew that. You’d cried enough those following nights after his disappearance.

He was probably dead anyway.

“Of course I do,” you wouldn’t lie to her. That wasn’t fair. But you knew the truth was just as painful for her.

“Will I ever be enough? Will I ever be enough to replace him?” the sound of her voice had your heart in pieces. You loved Scarlett. You really did. But your heart wouldn’t let you love her wholly. Part of yourself will always be dedicated to that grumpy kid you’d fallen for all those years ago.

“Scar… I—”

“I know,” she whispered, stepping forward away from your outstretched grasp. “I know,” you watched as the woman you loved, and who loved you, stepped from your shared quarters, hovering in the doorway. “I’m sorry I asked,” she closed the door as she left, leaving you a frustrated, conflicted mess.

⎈⎈⎈⎈⎈⎈⎈⎈

“Understood, I’ll bring them in right away. Thank you Niles,” The Commander of the MPs stood opposite Erwin, arms folded. An expression of irritation plastered on his sunken features. Erwin simply sighed, realising Niles was wanting to stay for this seemingly impromptu meeting. With a nod of his head, a cadet rushed off to find the two soldiers mentioned in their little conversation. Being Commander of the Scouts often had its perks, like having cadets around to run errands for him.

Niles cleared his throat, taking a seat on the green leather sofa within Erwin’s office. “You sure he’d help us? I mean, it wasn’t too long ago he actually decided killing you was probably a bad idea.”—he raised a thin brow, peering at Erwin with barely concealed suspicion—“I’m pretty sure the Underground City would be the last place he’d want to return.” a knock at the door cut their conversation short, both turning their heads as Erwin called;

“Enter.”

Hange was the first to make her presence known, poking her head in as she opened the door. A smile adorned the slightly dishevelled section commander, her hair sticking up in all directions. Clearly she had been in the middle of something when Erwin requested her presence.

“You asked to see us, Erwin?” her eyes sparkling with curiosity behind her glasses as she stepped through the door.

“Tch, just make it quick, I have shit to do,” the monotone voice of Levi behind her made Erwin pinch the bridge of his nose. How many times has he told him not to talk to him like that?

“Yes, come in and make yourselves comfortable.” Hange immediately took up a seat next to Niles on the sofa, Levi preferring to stand against the now closed door, arms folded. Erwin’s sharp eyes shifted to Niles, an indication for the MP Commander to speak.

“Well, no point in beating around the bush. We’ve received an anonymous tip about some criminal gang that’s been plaguing my soldiers in the Underground City.” Levi visibly stiffened at the mention of his old home. His jaw tensed in anticipation. There would be only one reason he would be called into such a discussion, and the answer was a firm no.

Without his permission, his mind flashed back to a (H/C) girl, her face etched with that ever mischievous smirk. He quelled the thoughts as quickly as he could. He needed his wits with him, and allowing his mind to wander back to what he’d left behind wouldn’t help anything. Besides, the likelihood of you being alive was close to none.

“Section Commander, I don’t suppose you would have heard of the group but Captain Levi here surely would have done. The Nest.” Niles continued, now eyeing Levi to gage his reaction. And for a man whose emotions were usually on a tight leash, this seemed to be what cracked his impenetrable walls. His eyes flew wide open, frantically searching between Niles and Erwin. They couldn’t be serious. The Nest? That was where Farlan and Isobel used to—

Shit, he really needed to keep his thoughts at bay. But what he did know was that The Nest was an impenetrable fortress of criminal activity. Trying to mess with them was suicide.

“Judging by your reaction, I’m going to assume you are familiar with them, Levi,” Erwin’s surprisingly calm tone eased the growing tension in the room. Taking a subtle breath to calm himself, Levi’s eyes narrowed to his commander.

“Yeah. I know of it. Why?” it was a rhetorical question, he already knew why, but he wanted to hear it from Erwin himself. Hange looked incredibly confused, looking between the men in the office, trying to glean something, anything, about what the hell was going on.

“The Nest? Why are they so bad?” she asked, not afraid to show how completely oblivious she is to anything that doesn’t concern titans or science. Erwin gestured to Levi.

“Levi? Care to explain? You probably know more than myself and Niles combined,” though his voice seemed kind, there was a slight edge to his deep tones. One that didn’t go unnoticed by Levi.

A heavy silence filled the room as the Captain wracked his brain for all the information he could think of regarding the organisation. It seemed like hours before he finally spoke.

“Well, you got one thing right. The Nest is a criminal organisation. A nasty one at that. Merciless bastards. Whether you’re a soldier or a citizen, they don’t give a shit. They’ll leave you a broken, bloodied mess in the street. I don’t know much about their leader. Only that he took over from the previous one around ten-ish years ago. Since then, they’ve expanded their shitty little gang and taken over an entire section of the city,” he explained, poison lacing his tone. It wasn’t that he was above the whole gang thing, oh no. It was more the state Farlan would be in before he left to meet whoever the fuck led that group of demons. He’d never seen his friend so anxious. So afraid.

“You never met him? Their leader?” Erwin inquired, lacing his hands together on the desk in front of him. Levi scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“If I had, I would tell you. But I know he’s smart. And not the good kind of smart. The kind of smart where he would always be ten steps ahead of you. He has a small group of trusted criminals surrounding him at all times, called his Shadows. They’ll be the ones to look out for,” Despite his voice sounding bored, Levi’s heart was racing. They couldn’t seriously be thinking of facing The Nest, could they? But something in the expressions of both Niles and Erwin told him he was wrong. Dead wrong.

“They’ve been picking off my soldiers. Always in the same places as well. I was going to leave it, just tell them to avoid certain areas until this tip. Their next job. We know what it is,” Niles interjected, looking down to the floor, his own mind a whirlwind.

“And you want to intercept them. The same way you did with me, right?” Levi finished through gritted teeth. This was absurd. There was no way they could pick them all off. Unless… that wasn’t the goal. Levi’s grey eyes widened slightly, realising what they wanted to do. Yep, this was total suicide. Hange clapped her hands together almost excitedly, as if she was also able to read Erwin’s mind.

“You want to capture him! The leader! Ah! This all makes so much sense now, I was starting to wonder why I was here,” the scientist mused almost to herself, before jumping to her feet. “This is the perfect opportunity to test some of the concept traps I have in mind. Obviously for titans they’d need to be much, MUCH bigger. And of course a few modifications would have to be made so they could adapt to size and body type but oooooooh this is so exciting! I’ll start right away!'' Without allowing anybody to get a word in edgeways, Hange dashed back to her lab to begin her preparations.

“Thank you Erwin, the Military Police will remember this,” Niles said, before he too was rising from his seat. Throwing Levi an unsure glance, he made his way towards the door, only to be shoved into the hallway by Levi, who promptly closed the door behind him.

“Don’t.” he simply said, turning back to Erwin who was peering at him, his expression puzzled. Levi rolled his eyes again, clearly having to clarify what he meant. “Don’t pursue them. It’s suicide,” The Commander’s expression relaxed slightly in understanding.

“We don’t have a choice, Levi. Not only are hundreds of MPs being slaughtered down there, but relationships between the Scouts and the MPs are strenuous at best. It would be in our best interests to—“

“Bullshit.”

Erwin sighed again, having to hold his tongue. Snapping at Levi now for his language would only rile up the man more.

“Levi, we already have a plan in motion. There are soldiers down there now meeting whoever gave us that anonymous tip to further discuss the job The Nest has taken. It’ll be fine, but you’re going to have to trust me.” Erwin’s eyes bore into Levi’s own, the man once again asking his Captain to trust him in a risky call he’s made. Levi’s done it so many times before, why was it so difficult now?

It took yet another pregnant silence before Levi eventually yielded.

“Fine, but don’t be surprised when we’re once again forced to retreat with our tails between our legs.” it was a savage comment, but one that Erwin didn’t take to heart as he watched the raven haired man leave. Yes, this was a risk, but all his risks so far had worked out fairly well. There was no reason why this one would fail. No reason at all.

Levi leant against the door to Erwin’s office, looking down the hallway before letting loose a long breath. Not only would he have to go toe to toe with The Raven, but he also had to face so much of his past he’d wanted to forget. Fuck, this was a terrible idea. Why did Erwin always have to gamble? It was exhausting for everyone else involved.

Folding his arms, the shorter man strode back to his own office, lost in thought the entire way. Would he see you again? Were you even alive? Did you know just how much he had missed you. Just how much he’d wanted to see you again. To hold you again.

Did you know he’d looked for you? How his heart shattered over and over again each time he found no trace of you. He’d never accepted you were gone. Always holding onto that thorn of hope that maybe, just maybe, you’d survived.

Collapsing in his chair behind his desk, Levi unlocked the bottom draw and gently pulled it out. He delicately picked out a small, ebony bird feather you’d crafted into a quill pen. Even though neither of you knew how to write, you knew back then how much he had wanted to learn despite never voicing it directly. All those nights spent copying out basic letters from discarded newspapers and wanted posters. You always had this way of reading his mind.

The smallest fond smile crept across his usually bored face. God he missed you. It had been years and he still missed you like he only lost you yesterday.

[mooglesorts]

hmmm... does it sound like a bird secondary/bird model thing to be, for lack of a better word, territorial?

not necessarily in the sense of, like, getting defensive and driving people off (although if someone gets into My Territory who makes the space unpleasant for me in some way i’ll be distressed and irritated). more like... establishing a home base, i guess? and slowly expanding my comfort zone from there. people, communities, my living space, there will usually be a few that i come back to when i’m too tired or overwhelmed to keep track of everything else. 

examples: 

---

when i’m in a discord server that i want to participate in more than in passing, i’ll usually start by camping out in one channel for a while and ignoring all the others. from there, once i’ve gotten to know people who frequent that channel, feel like they’ve gotten to know me, and feel like i’m Established there, i’ll start expanding out into other channels one or two at a time until i’m familiar with the whole server. it deadass took me half a year to branch out from the vent/mature topics channels in my current main server, and then it took months more for me to catch up to the whole server. if i don’t do it this way i’ll be overwhelmed, eventually get bored, and trip off my feeling-left-out-of-a-community sore spots. 

(which is a Thing about using snake secondary to reach out and do new things. sometimes it’s a lot of fun to just go where i feel like and explore! but if a) there’s nothing i can really do without spending money i don’t have, b) i get the side-eye for being Poor and Socially Awkward and Doing Things Weird, c) i don’t happen to be into some anime fandom i don’t care about that everyone else does, and have had zero opportunity to get at least a little invested in it in order to connect with people, d) i get ignored because no one knows me or is invested in the things i contribute; or e) i just plain go past my limits because i didn’t realize going in how much energy i’d be expending on the thing... i get bored, fast. what’s the point? might as well just turn around and go home; at least it’s comfy.)

(badger secondary model?)

---

i’m prone to homesickness. i’ve gotten a little better about it over the years, and after moving so many times in such short succession, but it’s really hard to let go of My Territory the more memories and familiarity i’ve built there. it’s super rough on me emotionally from anywhere to a few days to a couple weeks, and any time i think about it, but otherwise i adjust pretty fast to my new surroundings. 

(the exception here is when i, well... avoid going out and exploring snake-style, because i don’t want to get attached and then deal with the grief of leaving it behind later on. housing instability trauma sucks, and i’m still struggling to figure out how to deal with that.)

part of that might be having stayed in one place for most of my growing up, but it’s like... pretty easy for me to designate a new place as a home base even if i still miss the old one? idk. even when i have nothing left there, i still think of everywhere i’ve intentionally planted my flag as One of My Places.

---

it often takes me a long time to get comfortable with interacting with someone on a regular, friendly basis the closer the space i get to know them in. a lot of people who are now good friends of mine i had to build up my comfort levels with for years. there’s usually a moment of like... ‘oh okay this is our Friendship Unlocked Moment. the dam is broken,’ and even if we go long periods of time without talking a lot in private i don’t feel anxious and suffocated when we do. sometimes the Friendship Unlocked moment is one thing that happens all at once, and sometimes it’s several things over a long period of time until the scale tips for good. this is one reason i get cagey about initiating those friendship moments too directly sometimes, just because i know i might need to pull back and have space for a while again for the friendship to develop, and i don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.

weirdly enough, though, this process tends to be circumvented a lot the more distance there is between me and another person while i’m getting to know them? if i had gotten into the shc community by joining a server i would be way more shy, anxious, and wary, but when most of my potential-friendship-moments interactions with people take place on tumblr where it’s easier to get some space if i need to, it makes it way less uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing to point and go ‘friend! :D’ i’d probably be fine with exchanging discords with most of the people i’ve met on here at this point. 

it’s like the difference between meeting people and making friends at a hobby group where you meet once a week, and making friends by having to invite them over to your house every day. 

---

i’m very much the kind of person who will stick close with the friend who invited me to a party, lmao, or if i’m tagging along on a trip but don’t want to be there (or don’t want to deal with the hassle of finding them again if i wander off). sometimes i’ll jump right into a new situation and start making friends, but i get anxiety pretty easily about making people feel snubbed or left out if i don’t have the time or energy to engage with everything, so often i’ll just fall back on one or two options i’m most familiar with and let everything else pass me by. i used to be the kind of kid/teenager who’d stick so close behind people on public outings that i’d constantly be bumping into them by accident. (once again, if i didn’t want to be there, wasn’t allowed to go do my own thing, or was--in hindsight--dissociating.)

---

just... hm. thoughts? to me this sounds like either snakey, badgery rapidfire bird, or birdy, badgery snake who uses the other two to cover for social awkwardness/feelings of alienation/lack of time or energy/depression from my burned snake. or shit, maybe it’s badger all along, who knows.

[hoekaashi]

3 am Talks - hq pt 3

a/n: almost done, two more left!! i’m not sure why, but these ones were really fun for me to do and i had to cut myself off before i wrote whole fics for each one. also thank you to my wifey for helping me with akaashi, idk why his was so hard for me to do ): pairings: bokuto x reader, akaashi x reader, ushijima x reader, tendou x reader, semi x reader warnings: some spoilers for post timeskip, minor cussing, a bit suggestive (ushi) taglist: @babydabi​, @suckersuki​, @bakugoustanaccount​, @animoozies​ part 2 | part 4

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

⇾ definitely someone who talks about the first things that just pop into his mind ⇾ would literally change topics in the middle of his sentence ⇾ “did you see my last spread, I was centerfold Tsum-Tsum was not happy but when I offered to trade places with him, it made him even more mad - I just got an email saying my new knee pads have been shipped YES - babe are you hungry? Let’s go to the convenience store and get some snacks” ⇾ all over the place ⇾ but the second sleep starts to hit him, he become even softer than he already is ⇾ this baby would def be asking for validation without outright asking for it - we all know he lives to be praised but as he gets older, he stops asking for it directly ⇾ i feel like he just becomes more self-conscious after he realizes that being on a national team means that now the entire WORLD is scrutinizing him ⇾ i could keep going on about him imma stop

“I couldn’t help it, I started laughing.” Even hours later, Bokuto was trying to hold in laughter from the memory of the event. “I think that’s why he’s mad at you Kou.” Bokuto pouted. “I offered to help him up.” “Yeah, but you were also red from laughing so hard and wiping the tears from your eyes. I don’t think he appreciated that.” Bokuto got quiet and you knew what that meant. “But at the end of the day, the pictures came out amazing. You look amazing.” His smile, although soft compared to his usual grin, came back. “You think so?” You hummed. “If volleyball doesn’t work out, you could be a model. I already know one of my friends has a shrine dedicated to you. Which honestly feels weird, but hey, if it’s harmless why should I care?” you said, going off on a tangent. Bokuto brushed off the compliment that normally would’ve stroked his ego. “Nah, I don’t think I could handle the pressure.” You cocked an eyebrow. “People constantly judging you and criticizing you. You know me, I thrive with praise and…” “Become emo with criticism?” He let out a dry chuckle. “Yeah. I’m trying to change.” You reached over and caressed his cheek. “There’s a difference between growing up and mellowing out and changing who you are. You’ve done the growing up part and you’re slowly mellowing out as much as you can. But please don’t change.” “But people keep saying -” “Forget what they say. I love you the way you are now.” Bokuto’s full grin returned to his face. “I love you more.”

.・゜-: ✧ :-　-: ✧ :-゜・．

⇾ more of a listener he learned his ways from babysitting bo ⇾ he would just enjoy listening to whatever you had on your mind ⇾ one to add his own commentary and thoughts to whatever you were saying ⇾ if he were to talk though, he would reminisce  ⇾ talks of bokuto and his old team, things he misses ⇾ but speaking of bokuto, he would go off on how proud he is seeing his former ace doing so well for himself now - even if he still isn’t a normal player ⇾ depending on how open he’s feeling, he might even wander into his insecurities and childhood, things he doesn’t really open up about unless he feels really close to you

“And then I booked it out of there,” you finished your story. Akaashi hummed. “What about the other girl who was still working?” “Look, she never sticks around to help me when I have extra work, I wasn’t going to stick around to help her.” He cracked a smile at your pettiness. “Wait, didn’t you have lunch with Bokuto today?” “Yes. It was nice.” You waited a moment thinking that Akaashi would add more. “That’s it? It was nice?” “Well, you know how he is. But it was nice to see him trying to change himself. Well, improve himself.” You rolled over from your back onto his chest and reached up to play with his hair. “We talked a lot about playing during high school and what the others are doing these days. Everyone is so busy now, it’s hard to keep up. I’m proud of them.” You didn’t let the smile on Akaashi’s face go unnoticed, commenting on how it always seemed to be there whenever he talked about his former ace. “Leave me alone, I’m happy with how far he’s come on his own. I can’t but smile when I think about the people I love.” “Do you smile when you think about me?” “Of course I do, you idiot,” he replied before kissing your forehead.

.・゜-: ✧ :-　-: ✧ :-゜・．

⇾ i very strongly believe he would talk about parallel universes ⇾ he would go into the existence of them but also like ‘what if there was a way for people in a parallel universe who could watch me as if my life was a movie’ ⇾ if he was in a more serious mood, like if he had a big match coming up or sum, he would talk more about his goals ⇾ the things he hopes to accomplish in the future, the outcomes he wants in life ⇾ if he was tired, it would be more like akaashi - more listening, less talking ⇾ i feel like he would always want to know what’s happening in your mind so he would ask you the most random questions or just want to listen to you talk as he drifts off to sleep

“Do you think they saw me when I tripped over Leo and dropped the dishes?” You remembered when he tripped over the cat the two of you were raising and ended up breaking a few plates. As annoyed as you were that the plates you like broke, it gave you a reason to go domestic shopping with your boyfriend. You sighed. “No Toshi. If they were watching you, it would be when you’re playing volleyball or taking a shower.” “But you’re in the shower with me sometimes. You think they saw what we were doing?” “If they did,” you started with your eyebrows raised, “I hope they enjoy it as much I do.” He chuckled. “Why when I’m playing volleyball?” “Because that’s your job now. What else would they watch you do? Play with Leo?” He didn’t reply as he looked down to the cat in his lap. Petting it, the two of you sat in silence for a while. You finally thought he dropped the topic as you started to drift to sleep. “I wonder if the people watching like me. Or what if they think I’m the villain?” You sat up in bed. “Why would you think you would be a villain in a show about volleyball?” “I don’t know. I could be a side character that no one likes.” His voice got quieter the more he talked. “Aw, Toshi. I’m sure you have many, many fans in this parallel universe who all wish to be dating you. You never intentionally hurt anyone. You tried, in your own way, to work with Oikawa, but it’s not like you sabotaged him or anything.” He nodded. “He should’ve come to Shiratorizawa. We could’ve been that impressive first year duo instead of Hinata and Kageyama.” You rubbed his shoulder. “I know, baby. You remind me of that at least once a month.”

.・゜-: ✧ :-　-: ✧ :-゜・．

⇾ he would get deep ⇾ talks about his childhood where he was bullied to where he is now ⇾ while he has his insecurities, he would still be very proud of himself and how far he’s come and everything he accomplished ⇾ on the topic of being proud, he would never pass up the opportunity to talk up his bff ushi and he would hype him up even though it’s just the two of you ⇾ he wouldn’t forget about the other third years aka his other ‘best friends’ (i use quotes bc he only has eyes for ushi lezbehonest) ⇾ the talk would shift over to you and how lucky he feels to have found you ⇾ half of the things he would say would just to get you all embarrassed and shy so he could tease you about it

You woke up an hour ago because when you went to snuggle with your boyfriend, his body was missing from bed. For the last hour, he talked to you about how much he’s grown over the years, not once stopping to let you say anything. You finally had enough of this monologue. “Satori, how much more can you possibly say? It’s been a whole ass hour. Get your ass to bed so I can snuggle with you and lemme sleep.” Sighing, he walked away from the window where he was using the light from the moon to set the mood of his speech. Getting into bed, he waited until you were satisfied and closed your eyes. “But also, Wakatoshi has gotten so far on his own. I couldn’t be more proud of my best friend.” “Satori, please. For the love of God.” “Babe, you gotta let me air this out. Good communication and all that.” “We don’t have a single problem that needs to be ‘aired out’ right now. I got work in the morning and you like the sound of your own voice.” That still didn’t stop him. “And Semi, I gotta hand it to him, the man finally learned how to dress properly. And his music isn’t that bad either so I gotta find something new to annoy him with now. Reon is still keeping his fighting spirit alive and playing volleyball too. My friends, all doing so well.” Tendou glanced down at you who had fallen asleep to his heart beats. “But you. I’m the most proud of you. I’m so lucky to have found you. Not that I needed someone in my life at the time, but all the happiness you’ve given me on top of the great things in my life. You’re an amazing person, and I appreciate the impact you’ve made in my life.”

.・゜-: ✧ :-　-: ✧ :-゜・．

⇾ before we start with semisemi, he plays bass and sings in his band but he also plays the piano and guitar (these are MY OWN hcs, none of this is canon) ⇾ that being said, he would stay up late at night playing his guitar, working on songs and quietly singing lyrics to himself ⇾ his talks would be about purpose - like why he’s on this earth similar to hinata ⇾ aha ha ha so if yall read kuroo’s, you know how i feel about scorpios ⇾ semi babe is not safe from that either ⇾ while he is bad at opening up, he also has a short temper so expect apologies for his random outbursts from him ⇾ imma touch on this more in my semi relationship hcs so i shall stop here

You had been on your computer, finishing up some work of yours that you had been procrastinating on with Semi sitting on the couch, strumming his guitar as he worked on a new song. You hadn’t been paying attention the entire time, not until you closed your laptop and sat back in your chair. “Eita, what’s that song?” Your sudden question caused him to jump a little. “Oh, uh, I didn’t realize you were listening.” “I just heard you singing. What is that?” He rubbed the nape of his neck. “I was hoping to hold out until it was finished.” You walked over to him, draping your arms around his shoulders and leaning your weight on him. You read the lyrics he had so far, your eyes growing bigger with each line. “What… is this?” “An apology.” You pulled away from him. “I know I’m not the easiest boyfriend and that when I have a problem, I should say something rather than exploding on you over the littlest thing. I didn’t really know how else to express this without messing it all up.” “I’ve known you for a long time, I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t figure that much out.” “But still, it doesn’t mean that I should just stay this way. I should be growing with you as a person, not stuck how I am. I really do need to learn to express myself better.” You let out a small chuckle. “Like I haven’t heard that one before.” You had. Four times already. “And this will be the last. Thank you for putting up with me.” Your arms wrapped around him once again. “Next time, I expect an entire album with love songs dedicated to me. Got it?” “Well fuck, I better not mess up. I don’t have enough material for an entire love album.” You shoved him. “Hey! Maybe I will leave your sorry ass.” “I’m just kidding! Babe! Where are you going?!”

[the-phoenix-heart]

How do Deku and Bakugou interact with both being double Lion ?

Oooh boy here comes my rant about platonic Bakudeku and their double Lions! (I also just finished watching Heroes Rising so my BakuDeku feels are stronger than usual-cause I’m a multishipper)

First of all, I feel the need to double down on Deku’s primary. He is a Lion primary. Does he want to save people-yes, but there are things about his character you have to consider. Mainly, he’s more focused on the goal of becoming the number one hero and saving people, than the people he wants to save. He doesn’t bond with communities, he bonds with the individuals he meets. But, he does think it’s the right way to live, so Badger primary model. 

And boy howdy do they interact with their double Lions. 

Bakugou for the longest time was a Glory-Hound Lion. He wanted to be the strongest there ever was and he wanted to be on top of everyone else. But, deep down he always felt like he was missing something. What he was missing was that Paragon Lion that Deku had. He liked his Glory-Hound Lion and he didn’t understand that you could have both. And he saw not naturally having a Paragon Lion as a weakness in himself, which is why he bullied him (doesn’t justify it but y’know it’s called character development. 

Deku meanwhile admired Bakugou’s Glory-Hound Lion. He saw Bakugou’s hunger for power and love of strength, and how it made Bakugou powerful and strong and he loved Bakugou for it (platonically! possibly...). 

But they couldn’t understand each other. Bakugou at the time couldn’t let go of his Glory-Hound Lion out of stubbornness and Deku couldn’t understand that his Paragon Lion was causing Bakugou to lash out. Notice, Bakugou only started to grow as a person when Deku left him alone more. 

Now, Bakugou did become friends with Kirishima-another double Lion with a Paragon Lion primary-but it was not Deku’s Paragon Lion. Bakugou grew up with Deku and his Paragon Lion and so he couldn’t accept it at the time, but Kirishima (who is has a small dose of Glory-Hound in him) was able to get through. 

And their secondaries, ever since the first scene of the show they’ve been standing on opposite sides facing each other down. Bakugou did not like how similar he and Deku were despite their differences, which is why Bakugou burned Deku’s secondary. Once Deku’s secondary was burned Deku turned to a Bird secondary model, which ironically Bakugou probably saw and thought, ‘I can do that better.’ Bakugou then used his Bird secondary model to bolster his own Lion secondary. 

And of course we have to talk about how their relationship with All Might relates to their sorting. Bakugou looked at All Might and saw a Glory-Hound Lion primary. This vision was wrong. While seeing that All Might was not wrong, he was wrong in assuming that’s whole All Might was. Deku saw All Might and his Badger primary, and copied it. 

And now we get to the Sludge Villain incident, where Bakugou is in trouble and Deku’s secondary unburns all in one day. This is when Bakugou starts to vaguely respect Deku, and it’s because of his secondary and how he just rushed in. It’s also because he doesn’t want to be in debt, but he still has some respect for him. 

Except what little respect there was shatters when he thinks Deku has lied to him. Lying is very important to Bakugou, in that he refuses to lie and if you lie to him he’ll kick your ass. Bakugou is pissed and immediately rushes in to fight him about it like the Lion secondary he is, and gets stopped. 

Then the first fight in Ground Beta happens, and we see their Lion secondaries really colliding with each other for the first time, they yell at each other and throw punches. Their first fight was not a pretty fight emotionally at all, it was ugly and taxing for both of them. 

We see it clearly on Bakugou’s face that his primary took a hit. He’s literally having a panic attack over losing. His primary isn’t burnt, but it has not escaped the fight unscathed. Failure goes against everything he knows about himself (as a gifted kid I relate), if he has failed who the fuck is he?! He gets over this by using his Lion secondary to drag himself out. If he just proclaims that he’s going to be the number one and surpass All Might then it’s gotta be true. 

And you see it even more clearly in the Sport Festival. At the beginning of the arc he proclaims to the entire country that he’s going to win. I can never get over this because it’s basically him forcing himself to win. If he fails then he’s a hypocrite and no one wants to be a hypocrite. Once again he uses his blunt Lion secondary to drag himself along. The idea that you can rely on you secondary to keep your primary from burning...that’s kind of beautiful, but I think you can only do that with an improvisational primary. 

And in the Sports Festival you see their secondaries on clear display. Especially Deku who breaks his body and yells at a guy until the guy faces years of Mommy and Daddy issues and severe trauma. Bakugou meanwhile fights everyone until his match against Todoroki. 

Todoroki is a Snake primary, who’s unsure what his quirk means to him since he’s just now faced his trauma. Bakugou, a Double Lion, gets pissed off when Todoroki ignores him because he’s his opponent and he deserves his attention. Bakugou proves just how un-Snake he is by telling Todoroki that his family and feelings don’t matter and all that matters is the fight. It almost seems like Todoroki has listened. 

Until the match happens and Bakugou fights and yells at him to use his fire aspect of his quirk. Todoroki only uses his quirk when Deku, house matched with Bakugou, does the exact same thing. Todoroki does it because it was Deku, someone he had bonded with told him. But, then he still can’t do it for understandable reasons. Bakugou finds out he won the fight, but Todoroki didn’t use his fire and that pisses him off more than anything. The idea that he didn’t win the fight fair and square is painful and pisses him off more than anything. He wasn’t more powerful than Todoroki, Todoroki just held back. That’s not a real win.

and then the school chains him to the podium and forces him to take the medal on national tv BUT THAT’S A TOPIC FOR ANOTHER DAY

(also All Might has no idea how to handle a Lion primary that isn’t modeling Badger. “Take this medal as a wound,” no All Might you’re just gonna mess him up further! He’s not SUPPOSED to be wounded!)

Then there comes the fight against All Might where they have to work together. This is after the internship arc, where Bakugou had a Snake secondary pushed on him (which he did not accept) and Deku finally got control of his power and leveled up. Bakugou sees this and it terrifies him. Why is Deku’s Double Lion loved by all but his is hated? For a while Bakugou doesn’t even try to get along with Deku and just beat All Might himself. Then he accepts defeat because he doesn’t want to fight alongside Deku-to him that would be admitting that he is weak. And Deku does the only thing he can think of to get Bakugou to listen-he punches him and says “LET’S WIN THIS KACCHAN!” Because fuck my emotions. 

And then they yell at each other, Deku trying to hype up Bakugou and Bakugou because LISTEN UP WE ARE GONNA WORK TOGETHER MY WAY! And even as they are fight/running from All Might they’re yelling at each other, but it works. They think on the fly and Bakugou fights All Might with all he has until he’s broken. And then Deku, about to win, turns away for a moment and sees Bakugou nearly passed out under All Might and does the most badass thing ever and PUNCHES ALL MIGHT RIGHT IN THE FACE!! HIS OWN MENTOR!! Just so he can save Bakugou. It’s beautiful. 

(Now is a good time to mention I’m writing this to the soundtrack for Heroes Rising and IT FUCKING SLAPS-or that’s just me loving instrumentals)

Then Bakugou gets kidnapped, and a little detour, Deku fully understands that he cannot be the one to reach out to Bakugou. Kirishima has to be the one because Bakugou trusts him. Kirishima and him are friends and Bakugou will let him save him, and Deku recognizes that. 

And then Kacchan vs. Deku part 2 happens, and it is the most Double Lion fight ever. Bakugou is literally venting his feelings at Deku by screaming and exploding him. Deku in turn is explaining how he has always admired Bakugou by yelling back and punching him. And this is another reason why he think he’s a Lion primary: Deku admired Bakugou not because he was kind or cared about people, but because Bakugou was strong and determined-those are Lion traits he admired.

He also says he starts to talk like Bakugou when he gets really into a fight-which makes sense since his Lion secondary was burned for so long and Bakugou was his main example for years. Rip me. 

By the way, Bakugou’s primary had officially burned before this fight. He literally asks if he was wrong to try and emulate All Might the way he did, why he had to be the one to destroy All Might. But, the fight with Deku and winning helps him unburn, or at least recover.

And then pretty much nothing happens in the show for season four but EVERYTHING happens in Heroes Rising and the manga and I can’t TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE SPOILERS BUT TRUST ME THESE DOUBLE LIONS KEEP DOUBLE LIONING IT UP (and also possibly falling in love idk i’m an equal opportunitist with Kiribaku and Bakudeku)!!

[nikstersss]

Not How To Pass The PLE

Before I go into the main gist of this post, let me give you a small background story. I was a mid-year post-graduate intern in Manila who started in January 2021. I lived alone in our condo unit near the hospital I went to. My usual routine was to get up early, prep, take a short walk to the trike station where I’d take a tricycle to the hospital, go on duty, insert a coffee or carioca break in between, walk all the way home at the end of the day, then maybe have a short study session with a couple friends after dinner or just chill at home. It was a pretty good setup. But then COVID happened. Suddenly, I was a pandemic e-ntern stuck at home listening to Zoom endorsements and lectures all day. At first I was hopeful that things would somehow go back to normal and maybe I wouldn’t be spending the rest of my internship in front of a screen, but we all know how that turned out. 

I finished the first half of my internship with the regular year PGIs online. While they were prepping for their boards, I was on my second half with the new batch of interns (that’s probably you, dear reader)—still online. Now you might think that it would have been wise of me to use all that “free” time to start early with my own boards prep and you would be correct. I thought the exact same thing. And trust me, I tried. And failed. Countless times. I won’t even try to justify it. Admittedly, I still think it was a wasted opportunity to read more and make notes, but then again, there’s no use crying over spilled milk. Besides, while it would have been nice and probably less stressful, I still survived without it. Which means that you can, too. So if you’re one of those who’s berating himself because you “didn’t make the most out of your time”, cut it out. You’ll be fine.

Towards the end of my internship, I enrolled in a review center. Despite the asynchronous setup, the review schedule was super tight and the sessions already started while I was still in the middle of final reports and exams. Needless to say, I was already behind on that before it even began. In fact, I didn’t even get to focus on reviewing itself until maybe around early February because of clearance, paperwork, and application stuff. So if you were to ask me how long I really reviewed for the March 2021 boards, I’d say just a little over a month. Kasalanan ko. Wag po tularan. Stressful siya. Nakakaloka. 

And even when I did get to really buckle down and do some intense reading, I didn’t follow the program anymore. I tried to catch up at first, but I was already way behind. But I am grateful for all the summarized material because that meant I didn’t have to pore over the mother books anymore. What I will say, though, is that because I didn’t exactly follow the recommended study hours etcetera, I was able to enjoy the whole process because I did it at my own pace. Sure, there was still that dread that maybe I wasn’t on the same level as the others, but I learned to tune those thoughts out eventually. And that’s where goal-setting and discipline comes in, I guess. 

The most common question I’ve been getting is what was my day like during the PLE review season. Honestly, I’d like to say I had a routine I followed, but that’s only half-true. While I did have a structure for my day, I rarely followed it exactly. Nevertheless, allow me to share what it would have been like if I did: 

Ideally, I’d wake up at 5:00 A.M. then do my morning routine which included prayer and meditation, making my bed, taking a shower, and brewing coffee. And because I’m the type of person who enjoys these mundane activities and slow mornings, I also took this opportunity to get myself in the zone before all the studying that’s to come. I’d plan out my study goals and outline (something you can do the night before, actually) then maybe have breakfast while watching some videos (could be review-related, or those self-motivational vids, or maybe even Korean street food). I’d do whatever I wanted to wake my brain up without stressing it out too much until around 6:30 A.M. By this time, I’d work on backlogs for about an hour and study until about 10 or 11 A.M.—it depends how in the zone I am. I’d prep and cook lunch and then eat while watching Netflix maybe or even play a bit of Fortnite or Paladins until about 1:00 P.M. At this point, I’m pretty certain to be quite sleepy so it’s either I make coffee or tea, or maybe even go out to study at a coffee shop, and then it’s study all the way until 7 P.M. I then take a break to get some exercise, take a shower, have a light dinner, and if I feel like I deserve it, nap for a little bit. At around 8:30, my family usually calls and then we pray the rosary together. After this, I study again, but more of a recall and review session for the day’s progress until about 11:30. I then have my night self-care routine and then go to sleep around midnight. 

The main takeaway from the previous paragraph? “Ideally.”

During the first few days of setting up my schedule or routine, following it was already challenging, but still doable. But then the backlogs started piling up and no matter how much I tried to streamline the whole study process, I just couldn’t keep up. I did what I could to follow study habits and schedules, but the setup was falling apart. And you know what? That was okay. 

Normally, my type A self would have been so frustrated already with how poorly I was handling my review season. Admittedly, there were a few meltdowns and anxiety attacks as the exam drew nearer, but for the most part, I just let things happen as they did. I still adjusted, sure, but I wasn’t hard on myself for always having to. I kept changing goals when I didn’t meet them (which was probably 80% of the time). There were even instances where I’d finish a handout and then I’d say that okay, I’ll watch an episode for a reward, but that episode became the entire season. While I considered myself to be the most chill reviewee, I also thought I was the worst because I refused to give up any of my wants for my needs. I resisted, of course, but then they’d bug me the entire time I was studying so instead of staying productive, I’d just annoy the hell out of myself. I was probably just lazy and stubborn. LOL. Long story, short, it was a constant battle. 

There were times when I felt confident enough to power through the whole thing. I enjoyed the whole process of studying, actually. Making notes and my own ways of memorizing things was fun. I made use of different study strategies, self-checks, and motivational boosters (more on these on a different post). Aside from these, having review-mates who were just a chat away made things bearable. Breakdown session muna tas aral na ulit. And how could I forget all my sweet friends who would send over coffee ayuda every now and then? To me, passing the boards, while mainly should be for oneself and one’s self-actualization, is also about not letting down these people who have been with you throughout your journey. 

But it wasn’t always a hyped-90s-movie-transformation-montage kind of environment. Other times, I was just worn out and dejected by my lack of progress. In the already meager time I had to study, I still had plenty of off-days. Concepts just wouldn’t stick and it was disappointing how I’d already forgotten what I just read a couple days ago. It got really tiring even if I was staying indoors all the time. I missed the comfort of coffee shops and the company of study buddies. I missed my family. I wanted to hug our dog. There were days when I couldn’t even bring myself to make coffee and open my notes. I even reached a point where I was sure that I wouldn’t finish reading all the material. (I kid you not, I have handouts I never got to open.) 

Yet here I am. Here I am writing about how I survived all that and got those two letters attached to my name. I am not a good example, obviously. There are hundreds better than me and you probably should be taking advice from them instead. I’m simply writing this to tell you that you don’t have to worry. This is all just to ease your anxieties about the PLE. I’m not saying it’s an easy feat that you can just achieve just like that. While I seemed rather complacent, I still put in the work, after all. Admittedly, I know I could have done more, but again, I’m not going to dwell on that anymore. It’s done. 

My goal in writing this is to let you know, my dear future doctor, that you’re going to be just fine. Here’s someone who understands the huge disconnect that stemmed from being a pandemic e-ntern. Here’s someone who’s always been doubtful and full of anxieties about the PLE even before she filed her application at the PRC. Here’s someone who constantly prayed that the PLE be moved even for just a month (or kahit two weeks lang masaya na ako nun) up to the week before the exam along with a rising number of cases. Here’s someone who barely has the capability to maintain focus for more than an hour. Here’s someone whose reading pace was literally at 10 minutes per page (yes, I actually timed it and IDK if that’s slow or really slow). Here’s someone who still allowed herself to study at coffee shops and even have samgyup (with proper health protocols, of course) even if she knew she was drowning in backlogs. 

My point is that if I managed to pass despite all that, you can, too. My close friends know that I developed a rather funny mentality to ease the jitters as the boards drew nearer. I knew and claimed it for myself that I would already pass. I viewed the whole PLE as just a “formality”--a means for His plans of me becoming a doctor to manifest in this realm. I believed it so much to the point that I thought that no matter what bloopers and slip-ups I have during the test, I’d still see my name on the list of board passers. I’m not saying you should totally ease up and just have a come-what-may attitude. Again, I’m not the model student you should be following here. What I’m saying is to have faith in yourself, your capabilities, and in God. So chin up, Doc. Just a little more ‘til you get to legally practice with that MD at the end of your name.

[greenandhazy]

ppl in the Trobed discord asked if I had more future headcanons for Rickie and Leon (Troy and Abed’s kids from my Nadir-Barnes Canon verse) when they grow up and I was THRILLED because idk if I’m going to write more in that verse (writing too far into the future makes me wary for some reason? like how can I just pretend I have ANY concept of what the 2030s will be like) but YES I HAVE THOUGHTS:

Rickie grows up to be a confident, outgoing person, the life of the party and everyone’s  de facto big brother, although he does struggle a bit more with those early traumas and is more self-conscious about identity issues, so that confidence is the result of intermittent therapy and mindfulness

Such as, for example, morning prayer with Abed, which leads to him expressing more of an interest in Islam--sometime in late elementary/early middle school he transfers to a mainstream school that’s close enough for him to walk to a nearby after school program, and eventually formally converts. (Leon doesn’t feel the need for that and Abed doesn’t feel the need to push.) so yeah, another trilingual in the family heyyyyy.

Neither of the kids are fluent in Polish, although they hear it occasionally from Abed around the home.

He likes to dance as a hobby, although not so much modern--he likes jazz and hip-hop, things that are more high-energy. He and Troy have a LOT of spontaneous dance parties around the house. But starting in middle school, spoken word poetry and rap become his real big things and he eventually goes on to have a music career--think early Childish Gambino, Chance the Rapper vibes. (Leon achieves minor TikTok stardom for his ASL covers at one point.) He likes to run them by Troy first, and Troy and Abed are the ultimate hype men.

Abed is always really careful to seek out opportunities to connect with both kids, and they’re both written into Voyage of the Starship Legacy in some way... but it’s Leon’s. He thinks of it like a personal bedtime story that happens to have been made into a feature film, and it’s his comfort rewatch. In general he’s more of a fan of Abed’s stuff because he likes the meta aspects, and while Rickie enjoys them too, that’s not really his style as much, you know?

(I mentioned in one of the fics, Rickie is Abed’s ego-shrinker. If people find out Rickie and Leon are Abed’s kids they’ll be like “omg that’s so cool!” and Leon will be like “haha yeah” awkwardly and Rickie will say “cool? lol right, it’s the nerdiest thing about me.”)

Subsequently, Leon is always really excited when Troy suggests they go sailing. Rickie is enthusiastic in theory but usually gets bored once they’re out on the open sea, so this becomes Troy and Leon’s Thing, especially as he gets older and is less easily entertained by funny voices and faces. He just finds the open ocean very soothing and, yknow, parallels between sailing and space exploration or whatever. He really loves hearing Troy’s stories about his trip.

He’s more of a shy person, especially around people his own age--definitely not an entertainer the way the rest of the family is, and has a bit of a dryer sense of humor. One of his hobbies growing up is drawing, and there’s a running joke in the extended (found) family that someday Abed is going to produce an animated film illustrated by Leon modeled on Troy’s dance troupe with a soundtrack by Rickie. Cut to Leon’s sophomore year of college, when he announces that....... his major is astrophysics and he has a summer internship at NASA

(you can’t prove I was rewatching The Martian when I came up with this) (I just love the idea of Abed’s kids being just as phenomenally successful but one in in a Very different way, also I think the study group’s reaction would be very funny for some reason) (come on guys, he’s been very into space for a long time, this shouldn’t be a surprise, right?

Sometime around middle school, Leon starts not only not putting his hearing aids in, but leaving them at home when he goes out. Troy and Abed always prefer he have them as a backup, and a very common dad joke in their household is “You’d lose your ears if they weren’t attached to your head--oh, wait.” Eventually he admits that yeah, he’s “forgetting” them on purpose, partly because he’s getting tired of Questions and Looks, partly as an act of defiance because he dislikes the expectation that he wants to hear all the time, partly because it makes him feel Some Kind of Way that he doesn’t actually need them--that between his family, his school, his community, and even the cashier at the bodega across the street who taught himself a few signs, he really can get plenty of social interaction and communication just using ASL and he likes that feeling. (Troy is especially touched by that, given that he does not have Abed’s gift for languages and learning ASL took more effort for him.)

They both really enjoy traveling. The family makes semi-regular trips to Arizona and wherever Annie ends up with the FBI, but spend the most time in Colorado--especially in the summers. Gobi is still grumpy but spoils the kids rotten, and they like being the cool older cousins of Jeff and Britta’s kid. the Bennett boys are a little older but Rick and Leon are always trying to convince them to get into Shenanigans, and when they do, they reach a whole new level of shenanigans. Shirley is Tired.

They come back from Colorado with more complimentary Greendale merch than you could ever imagine. the Dean knows they’re not going to go there but..... he can try. Rickie gets his first taste of alcohol from Britta. Leon goes to Annie for girl advice when he gets his first crush because he figures his dads are way too gay to be helpful. Jeff takes them out to play paintball all the time (in like... actual, legit paintball--fields? idek what they’re called) and regales them with tales of Greendale paintball, which they had been 100% sure their dads were exaggerating until Jeff stepped in. They think Chang is putting on a hilarious act for like their entire childhoods and are solely responsible for portions of Chang’s “I Never Die” song becoming a meme among LA schoolchildren.

oh and I don’t have, like, faceclaims for them or anything but I picture Rickie wearing lots of bright colors and being ultimately like an inch or two shorter than his little brother, which offends him deeply, and Leon tends to wear his hair a little longer, like..... Power Rangers-era Eka Darville.

ANYWAY those are the things that have been milling around in my head the last couple of weeks. I have very strong feelings about this children I made up <3 <3 <3

[sincerelymarinette]

Life Swap - Adrien Agreste x Marinette Dupain-Cheng

Words: 2215 Summary: Marinette Dupain-Cheng is the heiress to her father's fashion house, Dupain Designs. With her talented assistant, the baker's son, Adrien Agreste by her side, will they come up with the right ideas and be able to meet their deadline? Author's Note: ahhhh i love this so much. It was so much fun to write! I got inspiration from @chocoluckchipz on Tumblr with their beautiful life swap art for adrienette April! They are aged up a bit in this and it still has superheroes but PRE REVEAL. Gabriel or Tom is not Hawkmoth. I love life swaps/reverse crush sm. I kinda have an idea for a part 2 but idk I wanna see how this goes :) let me know if you want to see a part two!

---

"Shit, shit, shit, shit," Adrien mumbled to himself as he rushed through the busy streets of Paris, trying to contain his bag and the few coffees he was carrying. He was almost late for work, which he was unsure how he still had a job from his constant shenanigans (possibly caused by a slight crush), but he was still thankful he had his job.

"Marinette!" Adrien huffed when he reached the Dupain Designs office, more specifically, the head designer and heiress. "I'm so sorry. I got stuck at the coffee shop and-"

Marinette shook her head with a small smile. "Adrien, careful! Are you alright?"

"I'm coffee- coffee's fine," He stammered out. "I mean, I'm fine. Here's your coffee," He said and handed it to her as she set her files down on her desk. Once he smoothed out his shirt with his free hand, he took a deep break. "Sorry about that. Can I grab you anything else right now?"

"Thank you," Marinette smiled. "But yes, my scanner is still broken, and I was up all night working on these. Can you go to the copy room and scan them to my email really quickly? Once you get back, we can go look at fabrics, and I can start a mock-up for the designs," Marinette explained and handed Adrien the files.

"Right away!" He said, his face still a bit red, and practically ran out of the room with the files. Marinette only smiled as she watched him stumble away, then went to sit behind her desk.

"I'm surprised you haven't fired him yet," Plagg flew out from his hiding spot.

"Plagg!" Marinette whispered-screamed. "My office is all glass, people could see you!"

Plagg crossed his arms. "Kid, they're all too afraid of you to even look your way. You are kind of in charge around here."

She laughed. "That's my dad."

"Yeah, but you're the heiress to the company and basically the world's biggest designer in the fashion industry right now," Plagg reasoned. "Now, explain to me why you haven't fired Mr. Spill Your Late Coffee?"

"That's a long nickname," Marinette commented and typed her password into her computer. "I don't know; I like him. He makes me laugh, and I like having an assistant my age. Most times they're either older and think they know more than me, or too young and don't want to do anything. Adrien may be a bit late and clumsy, but he's talented, and I like him," She explained. "Oh! And plus, his dad owns a bakery, so he brings me cookies sometimes. That's always nice."

Plagg stared at her for a second. "Do you like him?" He asked.

Marinette shook her head. "Just as a friend. You know I'm in love with Mister Bug."

"Blah blah blah, you humans and your love," He complained. "All I love is cheese."

"I know," Marinette sighed. "If only it were that easy for me."

In the copy room, Adrien was trying to pull himself together. "Why do I have to be such a fool?" He groaned.

"You're not a fool, Adrien," Tikki reminded him as she flew out of his pocket.

"I'm sure Marinette thinks so," He said.

"If Marinette thought that, you wouldn't be working with her. You've had this job for, what, almost a year now? If she didn't like you and your clumsiness, she wouldn't keep you around," Tikki reasoned with the boy.

Adrien sighed and grabbed the papers out of the scanner, waiting for confirmation. "I guess you have a point. "Maybe if I weren't so stupid around her, things would be easier. I can barely get out two words without stuttering."

Tikki flew in front of Adrien, ensuring she had his attention. "It's just because you like her. I doubt she even notices," She said. "Now, hurry up and grab the rest of the papers and head back to her office so you can go help her with fabrics."

Adrien did what Tikki said and hurried back to Marinette's office. As soon as he set the files down, Marinette grabbed her laptop, and the two of them headed to the fabric room on the other side of the building. Lining the walls were pictures from Marinette's modeling days from her childhood all the way through high school. Modeling all ended when she expressed her interest (and talent) in design, and practically blew up overnight when she was announced as the new head designer a few years ago. But that didn't mean her father would ever let her forget how successful she was in modeling, and those pictures would be there forever.

When they got into the fabric room, Marinette hooked her laptop up to the screen on the wall so they could view the sketches to their fullest potential. "I'm thinking of light pink silk for the one on the left, but it could also work with a pattern. What do you think, Adrien?" Marinette asked as she held the two fabrics in front of her. "The silk makes it more like loungewear, but the pattern makes it more office-appropriate."

Adrien stared at her, lost in thought for a minute. "Adrien?" Marinette repeated. "What do you think?"

Since Adrien wasn't getting the message through to his head, he was brought back to reality when Tikki hit his chest from his shirt pocket. "Oh! Uh, I think you could both do- I mean do both, actually. Use the silk on the inside, and the pattern for the outside," Adrien explained. "It could be reversible if you find a matching pattern, or just use it way one- one way," Adrien continued to correct himself. He was usually nervous around Marinette, but it was even worse when she was asking his opinion. He loves fashion, and it can take his mind off most things, but when it comes to Marinette...it's all a gamble.

"Do both? As a reversible jacket?" Marinette raised her eyebrows and looked at the sketch on the wall. A few moments of silence passed before she opened her mouth again. "That is an excellent idea. This could totally work for both professional and casual, and by mixing the different types of fabric, it won't be too heavy, or too light," Marinette smiled wide and turned back to Adrien. "You always have such great ideas! Now, I know I want to use this pink, so let's find a pattern that goes well with it."

---

It was dark out; most people already in bed. Marinette let Adrien go home hours ago, and her parents ducked out for a date night. Marinette, however, was still behind her sewing machine working on perfecting her jacket design and figuring out the best way to make it reversible. It wouldn't be perfect the first time, but she was going to try her hardest.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Plagg remarked from a shelf with a piece of Camembert in his hands.

"Yes," Marinette said, leaning back in her chair to give her back a break. "This could do so well, especially with the business line I'm working on. Go from business to casual in one easy swoop, Adrien really has some good ideas," She complimented. "See, I told you there's a good reason to keep him around."

"You do know what time it is, right?" Plagg asked and pointed to the window.

Marinette shrugged as she looked out. "Yeah, but, I have deadlines."

"Don't you make the deadlines?"

"And what kind of boss would I be if I didn't meet my own deadlines? I want my designers to meet them, it will be a bad example if I don't meet them," Marinette explained, followed by a yawn.

Plagg set the piece of cheese down and flew over to Marinette, blocking her sight to the sewing machine. "Kid, you've had a long day. The machine will still be here tomorrow. You need to get something to eat; all you had for dinner was an apple. Go pick up some food and go home," Plagg tried to persuade the stubborn Marinette. "Get a good night's sleep and ask Adrien to bring some treats tomorrow so both of you can work all day to meet your deadline," Plagg said. Most times, he was sarcastic and annoying, but he really did care about Marinette. Between her crazy designer job and having to save Paris from supervillains, she needed all the rest she could get at night.

Marinette took a deep breath and stood up from behind the machine. She ripped out a piece of paper and left a note: Marinette's. DO NOT TOUCH. It was one way to get a point across in case anyone happened to make it there before her.

After she turned off all the lights and collected her things, she went out of the back exit so she could grab some quick food from a random shop open nearby, then head back to her car right afterward. She wasn't worried that it was late; she could defend herself if anything were to happen.

Once she got her food, she took a slow walk back to her car. Though it was dark, it wasn't very cold, and she was enjoying the fresh air and the quiet streets. The moon was bright and let off just enough light, but the side effect of Plagg did leave her with pretty good sight in the night.

"Miss Dupain-Cheng?" She heard a voice from behind her, then a loud thump on the ground. "What are you doing out so late? Are you okay?"

Marinette turned around, not sure who to expect. Once she saw Mister Bug, she relaxed and mentally told Plagg to stand down. "Oh, Mister Bug, to what do I owe the honor?" She asked, a slight blush appearing on her cheeks. Thank god it was dark, he wouldn't be able to see.

"I was doing a late-night survey and saw you walking. It's late and wanted you on check- I mean, wanted to check on you!" He said quickly. "Are you okay?"

Marinette shook her head with a laugh. "I'm fine, just a long day and late night in the studio. Deadlines," She shrugged,

"Oh! Well-well that's good. Can I walk your car back to you?" He asked. "Agh! Can I walk you back to your car?" Mister Bug corrected himself.

Marinette tucked the few loose strands of hair behind her ear. "I would love that, actually," She said. "No bad guys you have to take care of, right?"

"Not that I spotted. But trouble seems to lurk around you," Mister Bug said as they started walking. "I mean! Because you're such a big name, you've had a few run-ins..." He cringed.

Nodding, Marinette thought. "Yeah, a few times, I guess. Normally it's at releases, or if someone spots me at a store because either my clothes are expensive or they didn't like what I created. But I can hold my own," She smirked.

"Oh, oh, I'm sure of it! I didn't mean to-"

"I'm just messing with you," She cleared up. The walk from the store to her car wasn't very long, and Mister Bug interrupted when she was already halfway back, so the walk didn't last forever. "Thank you for checking on me; you really are a great hero of Paris," She said. "I hope I'll see you around," Marinette smiled and got in her car, waving before she drove away.

Plagg flew out from his spot in Marinette's purse. "Bleh!" He pretended to puke. "You're so gross, Marinette! Both of you are!"

"Plagg, I'm only going to do it more because it annoys you so much," She joked. "Besides, you have nothing to worry about. I don't think Mister Bug particularly cares for Lady Noire so much," She sighed. "Let's just get home and end the night."

As soon as Marinette drove away, Mister Bug flew off in the opposite direction near his apartment. As soon as he landed on his bed, he transformed. "Tikki, spots off!" He squealed. "Ahh, I walked Marinette to her car! And I think I held myself together pretty well."

"Aw, Adrien, I'm proud of you," Tikki said. "Now only if you could do it at work, too!"

Adrien glared at Tikki, jokingly. "I'm trying, it's hard. She's so sweet," He admired, putting his face into a pillow. "When we get married, do you think she'll want a hamster?"

"Adrien, I think you're thinking too far into the future," Tikki giggled.

"You're right! We should get one before we get married!" He celebrated, but was cut off by his phone going off. "Oh my gosh, it's Marinette."

Marinette Dupain-Cheng: Hey Adrien, great work today. We've got a busy day tomorrow. Any chance you can bring some pastries from your dad's bakery? (Plus the coffee I like- we'll need it) I'll pay for everything.

Adrien Agreste: Hey Marinette! Of course, I'm sure my dad would spare some. He likes you, he won't make you pay. I'll be sure to bring extra coffee for the extra-long day!

"See Plagg, another reason to keep him around," Marinette said and set her phone down to start digging into dinner.

"Tikki, tomorrow is going to be awesome," Adrien said. "I have to be on time!"

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #383

“the big bully try to stick his finger in my chest  /  try to tell me, tell me he’s the best  /  i don’t really give a good goddamn ‘cuz i got my lunchbox & i’m armed real well”

Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Well yeah. Most of my friends are online, and while I've seen pictures of most at least once or twice, some I still haven't. The last time you threw up, what caused it? It was a side effect of a mood stabilizer I started. Any foods from other countries you would like to try but haven’t yet? I'm sure there's something, idk. Do you think the world would be more peaceful without any religion? Yes. Have you ever had a stalker? No. Does it hurt your feelings when people talk shit about things you love? It makes me self-conscious way more than anything. I start to obsess over whether or not the person things poorly or weirdly of me for liking what I like. I just feel judged for liking it, but that's my problem. Do you like it when people give you nicknames? I do, actually. It feels kinda affectionate to me. Do you often find yourself checking out people’s butts? Haha I'm not gonna say it's never happened, but it's not something I make a habit out of for sure. What fandoms are you in? MEERKAT MANOR IS BACK BAYBEEEE, Markiplier, Silent Hill, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft, Spyro, Wings of Fire, and lots more, honestly. I'm into a lot of stuff, and I don't love in moderation, haha. Are there any fandoms you used to be in, but left? Yeah, like Supernatural, Good Mythical Morning, or Warriors, but it wasn't out of "I don't like it anymore" or anything, I just drifted away. Anything the fans in your fandoms do that pisses you off? World of Warcraft if particular has one of the most toxic fucking fanbases. There are so many goddamn elitists and people who whine about "boohoo WoW is dying" and "omg this game has been trash since Wrath" and yada yada yada and it's annoying as hell. They always find some shit to complain about. Then Silent Hill... ugh. I think people just hop onto the "the series sux after 1-4" bandwagon to fit in with a certain crowd, but that's not the main thing that annoys me; rather, it's the fact the former main admin of the SH wiki made a fucking joke out of us there. He was clearly having personal issues and made a HUGE and utterly ridiculous deal of Silent Hill 4 having heavy symbolism to the main character being obsessed with the bullshit idea of him being circumcised, and it led to a maaaassive thread of us members trying to talk some damn sense into him as he abused his power. He was finally banned by the Wikia staff, but not in time for some gaming websites to publish "news" stories about it because it was just that ludicrous. Now, YEARS later, we still get trolls coming onto the site to try and revive the drama by inserting absolute rubbish into pages or making new ones. Nowadays I'm the main administrator there, and it's fucking embarrassing sometimes. I'm supposed to keep the wiki under control and respected, you know? Ugh, I'll stop. I could rant for a very long time about this. Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? Ruffly. Do you write down your own recipes, or just commit them to memory? I don’t cook. What color do you want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, lilac, and a light creamsicle orange. I REALLY want to dye it SOMETHING. :( How do you like your chicken? Of course breaded (like nuggets, tenders) is my favorite, but I also enjoy is broiled and seasoned well. There's other ways, but because I don't cook, I, uh... don't know how a lot are made lmao. Do you enjoy cheese fries? UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH YES. Do you eat refried beans? I absolutely hate beans, so no. What is a food you enjoy, but don’t have very often? A whole lot because a lot of it is from restaurants and we don't eat out all that much. As well, my diet is very narrow just because of how picky I am. Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn? Why? I mean, what are we comparing them for? I think Audrey is fucking gorgeous, though. Marilyn is also beautiful. Favorite fictional world? Uh, I dunno. Do you use lint rollers often? No. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want to. Has your power ever gone out for more than a day? I think so. Other than a dislike button, what’s something you wish Facebook had? Hm, I dunno. What time do your parents normally get home from work? Mom can't work right now, but I think Dad gets off around 5PM. Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Yep. Do you think it’s better to look for love or let it find you? Both can work, but I definitely prefer to let it find me. I feel that *in general* that usually has better results. Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? No. I'm a very committed person romantically. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? No. Have you ever had a rash from poison ivy? I don't believe so, no. Do you have any chairs in your bedroom? No. Did you watch Elmo as a child? Some, yeah. Do you know anyone who doesn’t eat meat? I don't think so, off the top of my head. When you throw up, do you cry? No, but I'm a whiner and will also shake from fear because I have such a phobia of vomiting. Doing it totally turns me into a baby. Who was the last person to carry you? I couldn't tell you the last person to full-on carry me, but back when I tore a ligament in my foot, my mom kinda had me lifted when she would help me walk. Is it easy for you to accept loss? Absolutely not. I handle it very, very poorly. Have you done anything sneaky lately? No. Have you ever had a rolling back pack? Yes. Who knows you better than anyone else? My mom, probably. Would you ever want to go to Brazil? Sure, if the opportunity came up. Are there any medical conditions that run in your family? A lot, mostly heart problems. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica imo. Who is the biggest jerk you've ever met? She was somehow my former best friend. Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never been in that situation, thankfully. What's a charity you would never donate to? I'm really not familiar enough with charities and their practices to know which ones are sketch or not. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you have any exes you'd consider dating again? Yes. What were some of your favorite classes you took in high school? Art and German. Mythology was fun, too. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Yeah, I have a cousin that's a lawyer. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, outta curiosity. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like, two days. Part of the reason I left Girt was because I liked Sara. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? Chicken noodle soup. What's a movie series where the sequel was better than the original? Ha, for some reason Inspector Gadget came to mind. I guess from mentioning my childhood. I was FUCKING OBSESSED with that movie as a kid. The first one's fine, but I love the second one. Does your car have heated seats? Mom's doesn't. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing strange, really. Describe your hometown. What’s it like there? Small and dangerous. Lots of run-down areas. A gang nearly broke into our house once, if that helps you get the picture. What was the last video game you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 forever ago. What did you learn from your last failed relationship? It really just taught me that you need to take care of your own mental health before you can effectively handle another's properly and strike a healthy balance. What country does your favorite band hail from? Britain. What’s something on your to-do list that never actually gets done? Finish decorating my room. -_- Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? Good Mythical Morning, I suppose. I used to be OB-SESSED. I still adore Rhett and Link as people, they are fucking wonderful human beings and excellent entertainers, I just drifted away from their content. I don't really know why. Do you sleep with the TV or the radio on? No. What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)? Menstrual cycles, I'd say. It affects your mood so much, and as someone who's bipolar, it can be very confusing. I like to know why I'm feeling a certain way. What movie has the best special effects? /shrug How many work hours per week is too much for you? I wouldn't know, I've never really worked long enough to figure this out. Can you remember your first day of school? I think I have the faintest memory of it. I know I was very scared to leave my mom (I had absolutely awful separation anxiety from her) and I MIGHT have cried, but I don't really recall with certainty. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No thanks. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Most, no, because the level of cringe is LITERALLY unbearable for me. Do you have a safe? Mom does somewhere. What’s the scariest thing to happen to you so far? The breakup. That night was just fucking terrifying. I was so certain my life was over, like the situation was so, so impossible in my head. What was your last dream about? (or your daydream if you don’t remember) My memory's faint, but I just remember I had a nightmare where a LOT of my bones were totally snapped in half. When was the last time you saw a relative? Excluding my immediate family, I last saw my now-departed grandmother and my uncle a while back at a hotel as they were passing through. Have you ever been in a TV audience? No. Are you in any way close to reaching a personal goal? Not really... Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Do you like making collages? Not really. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? No. What would you love to learn to do? Digital art, like drawing on a tablet. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Lemurs. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot, 100%. Are you more shy in real life or on the internet? I am WAY more shy irl.

[sctisfctions]

( emeraude toubia, 28, cis female, she/her ) Have you seen CARINA TORRERO around ? I hear they’re an ESCORT who can sometimes be GREEDY & IMPULSIVE. But I also heard they can be DETERMINED & ADAPTIVE if you catch them on a good day. They’re usually hanging around LA CASA DI MATEO in their spare time. I sure hope they’re alright ! ( mandy )

Hello all! I’m Mandy and this is my child, Carina Torrero She’s… a lot, so bless your soul for finding your way to this intro.

Full name: Carina Cecilia Torrero Nickname: Care, Cari, C.C. Age: 28 Nationality: Mexican and Lebanese  Religion: N/A City of birth: Laredo, Texas The current place for living: Chicago, IL Job title: Eden Escort Married? No Spoken Languages: Spanish, English Birthday: October 30th Does she own a home? Yes

B A C K G R O U N D : ( updated Feb. 25th, 2021 )

Carina is the baby of her family and has always was spoiled as such; showered in gifts. In the small town of Laredo, Texas, the Torrero family was known as the richest family in town. While it was rumored that there were some underground dealings going on in the family business, none of those were true. In fact, The Torreros prided themselves on being the purest and most righteous family in the region. Rev. Torrero owned and pastored a Mega Church that made millions of dollars every week, on top of people throwing money at her parents for their “good work”. But it meant nothing to Carina because she always felt like the church always came before her. Every time they were absent from her biggest life events, a gift was sent to make up for it. 

When Carina went to Drexel University to get her degree in fashion design and marketing, she planned on spending the first year goofing off and exploring what the world has to offer her. In a city like Philadelphia, it was easy to get lost in the hype of pre-game drinking sessions and post-game parties, getting sucked into hook-up culture and living as thought she’d never have a chance to touch this many people all at once. 

Getting out of college and moving back in with her family in Laredo was odd, at first, leaving the sweet life of sin behind and pretending to be the angel the town was so used to. Kidding, of course, she couldn’t leave it behind. She started doing modeling on the side and ended up getting commissioned for a huge gig with a very risqué magazine. Before the photoshoot even happened, word reached her parents church and the rumors spread like wildfire across the town. Her parents looked down on her with shame and disgrace. 

It felt all so overwhelming until she realized it’s all just Texas life. Outside of their region, no one even knows who her family is. She knew the only thing to do was to pack up her things, steal a couple million dollars from her parents ( which was barely a dent for them ), and move to Chicago where she could carry on a life of her own. Within a month of moving, she made friends with some people who worked at a club called Eden. They got her a job as an escort and, to this day, she’s been operating as a freelance designer by day and an escort by night. 

Family:

Sisters or brothers: One older brother and sister Wife or husband: N/A. Children: None. Other important persons: Roommate(s)

Physical Characteristics:

Addictions: control, power Bad Habits: acting only for the good of herself Color of Eyes: brown The color of Hair: black The color of Skin: tan Dialect: american accent Does the character drink regularly? always Does the character have any disabilities? no Does the character prefer any proverbs? “the most important thing is to enjoy your life and be happy” - audrey hepburn Does the character smoke? sometimes Good Habits: open-minded, forward thinking, tidy. Height: 5′3″ Hobbies: reading, working out, instagram, binge watching, skin care routines, healthy eating Is she wearing Glasses? no Is the character healthy or does he have any diseases? she’s healthy What’s the style of the character? (modern, outmoded): sporty and sexy. is almost always wearing a sports bra, leggings, and sneakers.

Mental Characteristics

Education: Bachelor’s Degree in Fashion Design and Marketing Intelligent or not? smart enough. she picks things up quickly. Fears: being misunderstood, spiders Life Goals (next 5 years): get a mansion Life Goals (next 25 years): own a fashion empire Self-perception: idk she’s just trying to keep it all together Assumed external perception: she thinks people think she’s either great or a bitch, there is no in between. Self-Confidence: extremely confident Rational Or Emotional: rational How could you upset this character? compare her to her family

Wanted Connections ( all based on crazy ex-girlfriend/galavant songs )

any of these could be filled with gang affiliates of any kind !! It’d be fun to see how a gang affiliate would spice up these connections !! 

PLATONIC

FRIENDTOPIA: Carina loves very few people on Earth. They’re the Joey/Chandler/Monica/Phoebe to her Rachel. They do practically everything together, as they spend pretty much every waking second together. They’re her roommates (they can work at Eden with her, but it’s not required). 

LET’S GENERALIZE ABOUT MEN: a bitch-type group of friends that get together, sometimes drink, sometimes shop, or sometimes just share gossip and personal thoughts about what the hell is going on around them.

SECRET MISSION: They say the enemy of my enemy is my friend. These people mutually hate someone and often come up with different ways in which they can make this person suffer. But it’s all just in good fun…… or is it?

OFF WITH HIS SHIRT: Any of the men she’s been with exclusively through Eden. Her “regulars” or “visitors”, if you will. She gets paid quite heavily whether she offers sex or just her general company.

MAYBE YOU WON’T DIE ALONE: Carina is the self-proclaimed Hook Up Guru of Chicago, so she’ll definitely attempt to hook you up with that person you’ve had your eye on and it sometimes isn’t subtle. But sex makes her happy, so helping her friends get laid makes her happy too. 

AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR YOU: This person has gone to hell and back for Carina, yet she shows little to no gratitude towards them. It’s only a matter of time before their lid pops right off. 

FACE YOUR FEARS: These are her older friends who help her figure out her shit and she ACTUALLY listens to them because she just trusts them more than anyone else. 

GREG’S DRINKING SONG: Drinking buddies!! A lot of the instances Greg mentions in the song can basically just be different scenarios they’ve gotten themselves in.

ROMANTIC/SEXUAL:

IT WAS A SHIT SHOW: A bittersweet ex-boyfriend. They really didn’t have any choice but to end things. He has some things going on in his life, Carina wasn’t anywhere near ready for a monogamous relationship. They both agree… it was a DISASTER.

SETTLE FOR ME: Someone who, stupidly, has a crush on Carina and he literally doesn’t have a single chance in hell. I just think this kind of energy would be hella hilarious.

STRIP AWAY MY CONSCIENCE: One of the guys that she regularly hooks up/hooked up with. Maybe even dated, but it wasn’t anything more than sex, really. They’re still friends to this day. 

SEX WITH A STRANGER: This is pretty straight forward. All of her hookups. I’m just gonna list them here for data purposes. They coulda been friends before or barely know each other. Honestly, if she avoided everyone she’s ever had sex with, she’d never leave her house. 

ENEMIES:

MAYBE YOU’RE NOT THE WORST THING EVER: Bitter, toxic exes. This was one of her first real and intense relationships that happened in a time when she was the most vulnerable and unprepared. It ended HORRIBLY when they lashed out at each other and it’s hard to let those feelings go. If they can get over their own pettiness, they can at least hope to be frenemies.

JACKASS IN A CAN: People who really just DON’T think she’s all that. They thinks he’s very stuck up and don’t fall for her charming, blunt persona in the slightest. I’d just love someone to call her out on her bullshit.

I DON’T LIKE YOU: General dislike and sworn mortal enemies kind of situation. We can talk over what happened between them, but honestly, it wouldn’t be that hard to find something that she did… or someone. 

WHEW this was long, but go ahead and press some buttons if you like and wanna plot with her!! 

[noah-moth-cursed-chaos]

Emile-Hides told me about their self indulgent(and also super cool) Chzo Mythos au, so I have decided I shall reveal some stuff about mine as well, mostly just random details. Im p sure it diverges from canon quite a bit, especially the parts involving Chris Bc I can’t fully understand Chris’ canon for the life of me(It isn’t actually very complicated I’m just dense for some reason) Most of the first half of this has turned out to be rambling abt the TCS factors of my au specifically.

-Obviously, post TCS events, as I’ve mentioned before Trilby adopts a scuttler which he trains and raises, the scuttler becomes a soldier buzzer when it grows up. Trilby adores it.

-Trilby has a brother! The brother is my interpretation of one of the playable characters in TCS, but I won’t say which one.. yet.

-I wasn’t a huge fan of the paradox full circle 7DAS Malcolm being Trilby thing so I sorta made my own version? 7DAS Malcolm and his family are clones of Trilby and his family made by Chzo so Trilby could fully serve his purpose as a guide. Obviously they aren’t exactly identical because of the huge environmental and time differences.

-My version of the Wizard grew up in The Order Of Blessed Agonies. Her father was a devote member and her role model. Her blessed agony of the soul was supposed to be to kill him. She couldn’t do it. They locked her up and planned to sacrifice her, a member of the Ministry of Occultism however investegated the location, shut it down, and freed her. She then promised herself she’d stop The Order’s plans.

-The scholar kept a wallet with pictures of his family in it to remind him of why he was trying to stop the ancient. Eventually he got word of the murder of his wife and child and... gave up, sadly.

-The warrior found his car, and decided to use his notes to figure out what was happening and how to stop it, on the way he ran into the wizard, and they decided to work together to stop the ancient.

-The invading ancient was Chzo.

-Trilby was trying to find the ancient at the same time, he arrived at Stonehenge very shortly after the Warrior and Wizard had managed to banish Chzo. Trilby helped patched them up and they all talked and all that good stuff. Neither Trilby or the Wizard could really go back to their past at that point. Because of this the Warrior offered to let them stay with him. On the way out of Stonehenge was when Trilby found and grabbed Steve the scuttler.

Ok now on from TCS

-Chris has amnesia. He can’t remember much of what happened before the day his parents died. He also doesn’t remembered what happened to reverse his zombie-ness. He just knows he isn’t a zombie anymore.

-Chris lived with his parents in the house we see in the game, but didn’t have the best relationship with them. Because of this he also had a room at an appartment his friend stayed in(he insisted on helping her pay the rent despite her saying he didn’t have to). He and this friend had known each other since high school and were super close. He doesn’t remember hardly anything about her, but he read some of his old books and saw her name mentioned in the lists of people he thanked, so he does know whoever she was she was important to him.

-The mental hospital Chris stayed in was really a product of its time. The doctors didn’t understand much about the mental illnesses they were treating. Their practices weren’t great, and the psychology they relied on was flaky at best. Chris honestly ended up worse off because of it.

-Trilby did in fact meet Chris while trying to steal a ruby! And yes, they went on a date. Trilby was just trying to get out of trouble. Chris was quite flattered and thought there was more to it. They went their separate ways after that. A few years later when they run into each other when Trilby joins the Ministry, both are a bit shell shocked.

-After the hotel incident Trilby just entirely shut everyone out. He was terrified of everything. He was a mess. Most of the Ministry just brushed him off, another nobody who couldn’t handle the stress of the job. Chris reached out to him and tried to help him through everything. This is how they started getting close.

-When their handler at the time noticed that they were beginning to become friends, she(idk who their handler actually would’ve been so I just made someone up) started sending them on missions together, wanting to see how they’d work together in the field. They worked great, and therefore ended up a pretty well known duo in the ministry.

-Claire is good friends with both Chris and Trilby and is sorta a mother hen type. She’s always pestering them to take care of themselves and be responsible and all that. She’s a very sweet woman.

-Trilby took Simone’s death personally. He took all the deaths related to Chzo and Cabadath personally. Yes he wasn’t particularly close to most of the people, but he still should’ve stopped it. In his mind at least. He feels like since he’s directly connected to Chzo by fate, he shares partial responsibility for the suffering and death Chzo causes that he fails to stop.

-On a lighter note Trilby ended up sorta a father figure to Jim. They keep in contact through mail mostly. It’s part of what compelled Trilby to join the STP: ending up in jail, until Jim found out, would just look like he abandoned the poor kid. He didn’t want to do that to him.

-Trilby has dad instincts. Don’t fight me on this.

-Chris is that person who learns to make all the drinks his friends like so he can surprise them with them when they have a bad day.

-Chris keeps his bedsheets and himself extremely clean despite the rest of his appartment usually being a mess. He figures if he can’t keep up with all of it right now he should keep up with what helps him feel comfortable and work his way up.

-Trilby is the literal definition of organized chaos, his house, his office, all of it looks like a train wreck, but he knows exactly where everything is. It’s magical.

-Chris one time tried to adopt a hellhound. Nobody was exactly happy about that. Chris eventually had to send it back to hell.

-Chris acts shocked when Trilby curses despite Trilby doing it quite often.

-Trilby is more sentimental than you’d think. He keeps a lot of little trinkets and such to hold on to those he loves in a way. If you give him a gift, chances are he’s not getting rid of it unless he absolutely has to. Even then it’s not too likely he’s letting it go. His most treasured keepsake is his mother’s wedding ring.

-Chris can’t take good photos for the life of him. They all come out blurry or overexposed or grainy. He finds it infuriating but his friends find it hilarious.

-Trilby and Chris are those idiots who pine for each other constantly but neither can say crap. Claire just wished they’d get over themselves and kiss already.

[purplesurveys]

1110

survey by evening-hush

Can you drive yet? Tell me what you think about it: I love being able to know how to do it. It’s super convenient and I appreciate how it allows me to travel on my own time and schedule.

What is your favorite time period in history to learn about? When it comes to learning history, it’s not really so much a certain period I like reading about but rather the sub-topic under it. That said, I like learning about social history the most. I’d much rather learn about the recipes people used to make than the weapons they used in war, or who conquered which lands.

What's the saddest report you have ever seen on the news? It unfortunately makes for somewhat frequent news here, but I always hear of news clips covering discarded fetuses - and sometimes even days-old infants - located in a trash bin. It makes me infuriated too, but for the most part it’s heartbreaking.

Describe what your smile looks like: I think I have quite a cheery smile. I just get insecure sometimes because of my teeth, but most of the time I like to smile big and have it look genuine.

What colors do you associate with all of the four seasons? As someone from a country that doesn’t actually get to experience any of the four seasons, here’s what I think of each: winter is white, summer is sky blue/yellow, spring is yellow/pink, and fall is maple-ish/orange.

In your honest opinion, what is the scariest sea creature you know? Erm, probably those deep-sea creatures that look more like rocks than fish.

Don't you think old people are awesome? I think most Baby Boomers suck, but there are some rare gems out there, I guess.

What is your favorite day of the week? Why? Friday, of course. Reaching the end of the day, knowing there’s a full weekend ahead of me, feels super relieving and freeing.

What time do you usually get to sleep at night? It varies. On weekdays I’ll sleep anywhere between 9-11 PM; and more recently, for weekends, I’ve been trying to stay up until midnight or beyond because I want to be able to catch up on the hobbies I don’t get to do on weekdays.

When you text, do you use text lingo? If it’s with a friend, yes. Never with a client or anyone I’m communicating with for official work purposes.

Oh! What's your name? Robyn.

Who would you cast to play you in a movie? I guess the obvious choice would be Vanessa Hudgens since she’s Filipina?? but idk. It would be neat to have someone as badass as Florence Pugh or Emma Stone to play me, though.

If you could go back in time & live in any decade, which would it be & why? I’d shake it up and pick some random, obscure, perhaps unremarkable decade like the 1570s. Just so I have absolutely no clue what to expect.

What superpower do you think would be the most handy in times of trouble? Manipulation of thoughts/emotions. It’s not the most ethical, but that’s not what we’re talking about here lmao.

Do you believe there is just one love for everyone, or...? I believe everyone can have their own truth when it comes to love.

What natural disaster scares you the most? Earthquakes.

Why are you best friends with your best friend? She just gets me, I guess. We get along very well, our humors match perfectly, but most of all she’s patient with me and I’ve always been able to see that she genuinely cares about me.

What quirk bothers you the most about other people? People are so quick to cancel others these days; it’s amusing to watch people enthusiastically pick fights over just about anything.

Would you ever marry for money? The idea itself is attractive, but I’m not sure I would actually push through with it. I think I have to love someone should I ever marry them.

What is one of the toughest things you have ever had to do? Move on with my life. Acknowledge the ugly emotions and acknowledge that I’m not doing ok.

What outrageous career could you see yourself wanting to do? This is outrageous for me, but modeling. The career itself is not strange, but I used to want to be a runway model in my early teens and it’s funny to look back on now.

Do you world peace is truly a possibility in the future? No.

What song lyrics best reflect your personality? Idk about personality, but right now, “Why do memories glow the way real moments don’t?” is super relevant to my life at the moment.

In what way would you want to help change the world? Being one with marginalized groups in their various fights and causes.

Do you think it is important to tell the truth or spare someone's feelings? It depends on the gravity of the situation, I guess? Like white lies are fine, but in more serious situations it’s always better to tell the truth. I remember that when my great-aunt died last year, all her siblings made it a point not to inform their brother (my great-uncle) who recently had a heart surgery and was thus very vulnerable and could possibly have an attack if he ever found out. They kept it from him for nearly the entire year and it drooooove meeeeee nutsssssssss. I suppose it was understandable for the first few days, but when those days turned to several months, I started to wish they’d tell him sooner because I felt like it would be a lot worse once he learned she’d been dead since the start of the year. Anyway, I was recently informed he knew about it already and I never heard drama come out of it, so I guess it was dealt with well.

What is the most awkward moment you have ever had to endure? Ugh, probably that time an online delivery arrived at home and it was a fucking vibrator/dildo meant for my parents.

When driving down the road looking for an address do you turn the radio low? Hahahaha yessss.

Pretend you are a really good cook, what meal would you make? Risotto.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your closet? Why? My mom jeans. It’s a classic look that always works, plus it’s super comfy.

What do you think of when you look at the stars? Looking up at the stars means I’m thinking hard. It gets me in a reflective mood.

If you could say ONE THING to the president, what would it be? Ughhhh fuck you get your presidency over with already we are all fucking tired.

What is your favorite kind of weather? As long as it’s chilly I’m happy.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Both, I guess?

What's one thing you feel you must do in your life before it ends? Travel to a different continent.

What Disney princess are you most like? Personality wise, I mean. Ariel was such a hopeless romantic and reckless and dumb when it came to love, so let’s go with her.

Tell me about your worst fashion mistake: I was a late bloomer and let my mom buy my clothes for me at ages where I definitely should’ve already stopped doing so.

Do you believe in astrology? No.

Do you look into people's eyes when you talk to them? Not always.

You can have one of the following two things: trust or love. Pick one. Don’t they come together though? If I love someone it means I trust them?? But it’s whatever. I’ll go with trust.

Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? Yeah, I think I’m thoughtful and I like that I’m good at remembering small details about my friends. I’d love a friend like that.

What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you don't love them? Probably that I don’t. I’ve never had to do it before, either.

What do you think is the most important thing in this life is? Self-satisfaction.

What did you think about this survey thingy? :] Nice roster of random questions! I personally enjoyed it.

[hillbillyoracle]

Question and Answer: A Shadow Working Method

My partner has been working through some rough shadow work stuff lately and stumbled upon a method independently that I had been using a few years ago and I wanted to share it here in case anyone might find it helpful. I used to think of it as texting myself but question and answer is probably a better way of thinking about it.

But First, Why?

So much of why shadow work is difficult is because our brain is working against us. It doesn’t want us to look in the shadow. Whatever our brains find threatening winds up in the shadow and it will do it’s darnedest not to notice it. One way this manifests is through our automatic thoughts.

We get used to thinking in certain ways without question. We assume truths; often without realizing it. This is actually a good thing. You don’t want to be guessing about everything in your day to day life. That would be exhausting. But some truths that work their way in there aren’t so true. Or at least they’re not so true anymore – those who’ve done trauma work understand that precarious line.

So what we need in some shadow work is to slow things down so we can see more of these automatic thoughts and interrogate them a bit more consciously. Using a question and answer format helps us do that.

How?

How I usually did this was to open a word document and use one initial for my questions, usually and F for what I thought a friend would ask me or T for what I thought a therapist might ask me, and another initial for my answers, just M for my first name. And I’d start by writing how I’d vent to a friend, going over what I was feeling and how I understood the situation. Then I’d pause, take a deep breath, and try to think of what a friend or a therapist would ask me about the situation. It might look something like this.

M: I’m so fucking pissed at my friend right now. They keep overreacting to things and it’s making me feel like I can’t say anything to them. I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to these days!

F: Are they usually like this?

I try really hard to keep the questions neutral because true friends aren’t usually ones to be super judgmental. Sometimes it helps to act like someone else wrote what I did and ask myself what I’d ask that person. Sometimes I’ll even try to be reassuring or kind though that’s more for a self care approach than shadow work which kind of needs to be uncomfortable to work.

M: I mean I guess not; it really feels that way though. It’s happened a lot recently.

F: What’s a lot look like?

M: Idk at least once or twice a week

F: What’s going on in their life right now?

M: They’ve had a lot of stuff going on at work I guess.

F: Do you think that might be impacting them?

M: I’m not sure.

F: Would you be open to asking them about it?

M: Yeah, I guess I could.

Here, I might reach out to the friend and ask how they’re doing with their work stress and that they’ve seemed a little stressed out. If I’m really feeling up to it I might offer to help them in some way – prep meals for them, be moral support when they need to vent. I’ve found a lead for my immediate need but it’s key that I don’t stop here. Because I want to find out what caused such a strong reaction in the first place.

F: It sounds pretty upsetting when friends can’t respond the way you’re looking for, where does that come from?

M: I’m not sure, it just feels really bad, you know.

F: Is it because you aren’t getting what you want?

M: No, I can handle that. I think it just makes me feel like I’m too much.

F: What does it mean to be too much?

M: It means I’m alone and no one can handle being around me.

F: So it sounds like it feels really isolating when you feel like you’re too much. Have you felt that way before?

M: Yeah some of my exs made it sound like I was too much to handle. Some of my teachers too used to say that.

F: So you’ve heard it from people early on. Did isolation usually follow?

M: Yeah usually there was a break up or I got sent to some room where people didn’t have to deal with me.

F: Oh so it sounds like some part of you is expecting to get rejected when your friend reacts like this. Is that really what’s going on?

M: I’m not sure? Like I think I worry about that on some level yeah.

This is a real example by the way. This is how I would work through something that came up for me recently with this model. I wound up using a different way but this way would have worked wonderfully and I’m thankful to my partner for reminding me of it.

But What if I Can’t?

That’s fair this is something that there’s plenty of barriers to for many folks. If you’re used to being around toxic family members or friends, it can be hard to imagine what a neutral third party might say. When I was struggling, I tried to ask myself, what would I want a friend to say? But this too can get complicated because maybe you’d want a friend to explain it away for you and make you feel better so it can swing into unhelpful territory.

So in that case I’d have some stock questions in mind to answer, prepared when you’re in a neutral to kind headspace and have them around for when something shadowy comes up. These are some that generally come up for me in some form or another but you should add your own.

What happened in the most clinical terms?

What am I feeling?

What do I want?

What do I feel ashamed of?

Who or what used to make me feel this way?

Does this feel the same?

Is this actually the same?

What am I pushing away? Why?

How can I be kinder/firmer with myself?

What then?

Then you might find you’ve got a stuck point – a belief that feels true and is causing problems for you – or you may have stumbled onto a trigger. Emotional flashbacks as a paradigm are a core part of how I do shadow work so I don’t say that lightly; for more on that see Pete Walker’s work on CPTSD.

If you have a stuck point, write it somewhere that allows you to come back and revisit it every few weeks and see if what feels true has shifted. Think through what experiences you would have to have to move the needle on what feels true and try to seek them out safely.

If you’ve found a trigger, get to know Pete Walker’s 13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks. I recommend most people with triggers work with a therapist but I know that’s not always accessible, even with insurance, so if you aren’t able to the best advice I have is to be gentle with yourself and know you’re not alone. You’re not defined by having triggers but by how you mange them.

Conclusion

I hope this is helpful for folks. I know it’s helped me out a lot and my partner’s been making really good headway with it too. Let me know if y’all have any questions and I’d love to see where people take this with regards to their shadow work.

If you liked this, consider tipping me here. 

[guilianafms]

            new  york’s  very  own  guiliana  rasananda  was  spotted  on  broadway  street  in  gucci  marmont  logo - embellished  leather  sandals  .  your  resemblance  to  lalisa  manoban  is  unreal  .  according  to  tmz  ,  you  just  had  your  twenty  third  birthday  bash  .  while  living  in  nyc  ,  you’ve  been  labeled  as  being  doctrinaire  ,  but  also  pragmatic  .  i  guess  being  an  aquarius  explains  that .  three  things  that  would  paint  a  better  picture  of  you  would  be  the  lingering  scent  of  her  perfume  after  she’s  long  gone  ,  a  fenty  beauty  gloss  bomb  as  her  staple  to  any  makeup  look  ,  and  the  glitter  of  diamond  encrusted  jewelry  on  tanned  skin  .

            hello  ladies  ,  gents  ,  and  nonbinary  pals  !  my  name’s  jin  and  i’m  super  stoked  to  be  here  !  i’ve  seen  this  group  in  the  tags  over  the  years  ,  and  i  decided  that  it  was  high  time  for  me  to  slide  in  (  and  now  that  my  school’s  closed  ....  indefinitely  ....  i’ve  got  the  time  )  .  giuliana  is  fairly  new  so  i’m  still  working  out  some  kinks  that  may  arise  ,  but  i  have  a  pretty  good  idea  of  the  direction  i  want  her  to  go  in  !  i  can’t  believe  that  this  is  my  first  time  playing  lalisa  in  a  couple  of  years  ,  but  since  the  chance  arose  ,  i  decided  to  take  it  .  i  won’t  chat  too  much  ,  and  i  need  to  make  a  new  d.iscord  since  i  forgot  the  password  to  my  old  one  but  if  anyone  wants  to  plot  ,  feel  free  to  slide  into  my  dms  (  or  i’ll  slide  into  yours  !  )

basic  information  .

FULL  NAME  :  guiliana  kanya  rasananda  .

NICKNAME(S)  :  gigi  ,  lia  ,  liana  ,  ana  .

BIRTHDATE  +  AGE  :  february  12th  +  23  .

ZODIAC  :  aquarius  .

HOMETOWN  :  new  york  ,  ny  .

GENDER  :  cis  female  .

NATIONALITY  :  thai - american  .

ETHNICITY  :  thai  .

HEIGHT  :  5′6″  .

LABEL(S)  :  the  amaranth  ,  the  vixen  ,  the  trust  fund  baby  ,  and  the  princess  .

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION  :  biromantic  .

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION  :  bisexual  .

LANGUAGE(S)  SPOKEN  :  english  ,  thai  ,  japanese  ,  and  learning  spanish  .

OCCUPATION  :  socialite  ,  ‘  model  ’  ,  and  youtuber  /  social  media  influencer  .

POSITIVES  :  clear - headed  ,  assiduous  ,  self - reliant  ,  pragmatic  ,  and  cosmopolitan  .

NEGATIVES  :  disputatious  ,  exigent  ,  doctrinaire  ,  selfish  ,  and  unscrupulous  .

PLAYLIST  :  roxanne  /  arizona  zervas  ,  bad  guy  /  billie  eilish  ,  body  /  loud  luxury  ft.  brando  ,  nasa  /  ariana  grande  ,  mother’s  daughter  /  miley  cyrus  ,  sway  with  me  /  saweetie  w.  galxara  ,  say  so  /  doja  cat  ,  mad  at  me.  /  kiana  ledé  ,  apeshit  /  the  carters  ,  elastic  /  joey  purp  ,  watermelon  sugar  /  harry  styles  ,  ain’t  my  fault  /  zara  larsson  ,  lemon  /  n.e.r.d.  ft.  rihanna  /  nice  for  what  /  drake  ,  sugar  /  brockhampton  ,  icon  /  jaden  smith  ,  zimzalabim  /  red  velvet  ,  come  thru  /  joji  ,  in  my  head  /  ariana  grande  ,  broke  bitch  /  tiny  meat  gang  ,  honey  /  lay  ,  deserve  /  kris  wu  ft.  travis  scott  .

biography  .

let’s  see  if  we  can  keep  this  short  ,  am  i  right  ladies  ?

ratana  saelim  has  humble  beginnings  in  bangkok  .  her  parents  owned  a  small  restaurant  in  their  neighborhood  ,  and  they  lived  comfortably  ,  but ratana  still  had  to  work  hard  to  ensure  that  she  got  into  college  and  could  stay  in   college  .  she  often  did  her  homework  behind  the  counter  of  the  restaurant  ,  and  eventually  went  on  to  attend  bangkok  university  .

she  met  her  future  husband  at  bangkok  university  ,  a  fellow  student  named  kamnan  rasananda  .  he  was  studying  business  while  she  was  studying  law  .  in  contrast  to  ratana  ,  kamnan  grew  up  in  an  extremely  affluent  home  and  was  set  to  inherit  his  family’s  company  .  he  was  a  year  older  than  ratana  ,  and  the  two  got  married  after  her  graduation  with  her  master’s  degree  .  they  settled  in  bangkok  following  their  wedding  .

the  years  passed  ,  and  the  couple  established  themselves  in  their  respective  fields  .  kamnan  started  his  own  business  in  real  estate  and  construction  ,  so  they  decided  to  expand  out  of  asia  and  into  the  states  .  they  made  their  home  new  york  city  ,  and  settled  easily  into  a  multi - million  dollar  penthouse  on  the  upper  east  side  .  since  they  were  to  focused  on  their  careers  ,  it  wasn’t  until  they  reached  their  mid - thirties  when  they  had  their  first  and  only  child  ,  a  daughter  they  named  guiliana  .

guiliana  was  a  beautiful  little  baby  who  has  an  infectious  personality  while  growing  up  .  ratana  and  kamnan  may  have  been  busy  people  ,  but  they  never  had  an  issue  with  putting  work  on  pause  to  spend  time  with  their  daughter  .  the  couple  supported  their  daughter  in  everything  that  she  did  ,  and  that  even  included  when  she  turned  fourteen  and  decided  that  she  wanted  to  start  doing  youtube  videos  . 

going  through  high  school  ,  guiliana  had  been  a  member  of  the  photography  and  yearbook  clubs  ,  and  this  was  at  the  same  time  that  she  started  to  truly  focus  on  her  channel  .  of  course  ,  her  content  at  the  time  was  quite  cringy  (  shoutout  to  that  one  song  that  everyone  used  in  morning  routines  )  .  as  the  years  passed  ,  she  obtained  the  right  equipment  to  make  her  content  better  .

by  her  senior  year  of  high  school  ,  her  channel  grew  to  massive  numbers  .  she  dropped  the  makeup  videos  since  she  found  that  she  was  more  interested  in  fashion  than  makeup  ,  and  was  comfortable  with  sharing  her  personal  style  .  she  got  a  lot  of  backlash  because  she  grew  up  rich  and  people  often  felt  that  she  was  ‘  flaunting  ’  her  lifestyle  ,  but  really  ,  most  of  her  clothes  from  the  places  that  were  often  the  rage  at  the  time  (  urban  outfitters  ,  brandy  ,  etc  )  with  the  occasional  luxury  piece  like  a  purse  or  something  .

now  ,   she  isn’t  that  active  on  youtube  anymore  since  she’s  grown  into  more  of  a  socialite  ,  but  she’ll  still  do  weekly  vlogs  ,  catching  up  videos  ,  and  her  fashion  videos  .  despite  not  being  that  active  ,  her  channel  is  still  growing  and  has  now  amassed  five  million  subscribers  .

personality  .

guiliana  has  been  a  part  of  youtube  since  she  was  a  fourteen  year  old  ,  so  she’s  been  able  to  start  ignoring  the  haters  !  quite  honestly  has  the  most  idgaf  attitude  towards  people  who  have  anything  to  say  about  her  only  showing  luxury  outfits  and  such  on  her  channel  .  that’s  all  she  knows  since  she  grew  up  in  that  ,  but  quite  frankly  she  doesn’t  care  !

out  of  all  of  her  labels  ,  i’d  say  she  mostly  resonates  with  the  trust  fund  baby  .  outside  of  her  youtube  channel  ,  guiliana  doesn’t  do  much  other  than  spend  money  and  sleep  until  eleven  so  don’t  expect  her  to  be  out  there  making  businesswoman  moves  .

don’t  give  her  a  compliment  because  what’s  the  saying  ...  give  her  an  inch  and  she’ll  take  a  mile  ?  that’s  guiliana  to  a  T  !  she  knows  that  she’s  cute  and  her  parents  have  only  ever  praised  her  ,  so  she’s  got  something  of  an  over  inflated  ego  at  times  .  she  can  go  on  and  on  ,  so  please  tell  her  ass  to  shut  up  if  she  starts  taking  it too  far  !

headcanons  .

a  born  and  bred  new  yorker  ,  guiliana  doesn’t  possess  a  driver’s  license  .  she  gets  driven  around  in  a  bentley  bentayga  and  when  her  driver’s  not  available  ,  she  exclusively  uses  uber  black to  get  around  the  city  .

her  style  is  pretty  similar  to  lisa’s  where  one  day  she’s  exclusively  wearing  streetwear  ,  another  day  she’s  a  bit  more  feminine  ,  and  then  sometimes  she’s  wearing  pieces  straight  off  the  runway  !  when  it  comes  to  her  more  feminine  style  i  think  of  the  youtuber  kerina  wang  .

she’s  most  comfortable  when  she’s  in  her  apartment  .  usually  ,  she’s  only  wearing  a  lingerie  set  (  not  the  entire  thing  )  and  lounging  around  .  she’ll  throw  on  a  robe  or  something  to  answer  the  door  ,  so  just  call  her  ahead  of  time  .

i  can’t  make  up  my  mind  on  how  guiliana  usually  has  her  hair  (  since  lisa  switches  between  long  and  short  )  so  we’ll  just  say  that  she  gets  extensions  a  lot  !  currently  ,  i  love  her  long  brown  hair  so  click  for  reference  here  .

she  has  no  real  plans  for  the  future  ?  she’s  kinda  of  taking  it  day  by  day  and  enjoying  her  twenties  while  she  has  them  .  right  now  her  main  focus  is  her  instagram  and  her  youtube  ,  and  she  has  no  real  aspirations  to  do  anything  outside  of  that  at  the  moment  .

never  leaves  the  house  without  wearing  a  pair  of  heels  ?  even  when  it’s  cold  outside  ,  she’s  wearing  ankle  boots  with  a  heel  or  the  ever  elegant  over - the - knee  boots  .  

her  go - to  drink  from  starbucks  is  a  cold  brew  with  vanilla  sweet  cream  .  she  doesn’t  drink  coffee  with  sugar  .

wanted  connections  .

            i’ll  more  than  likely  end  up  reblogging  things  into  the  tag  i  made  for  these  ,  but  since  there’s  nothing  there  right  now  ,  i’ll  just  list  off  some  specifics  that  i’d  love  to  have  !  if  none  of  these  are  to  your  taste  ,  we  could  always  brainstorm  ,  work  off  chemistry  ,  or  let  me  know  if  there’s  something  that  you  think  guiliana  could  fill  !

i  might  end  up  sending  this  in  to  the  main  ,  but  i’d  love  to  have  the  fiancé  that  she  left  at  the  altar  !  truth  be  told  ,  i  kind  of  feel  as  though  she  may  have  done  it  simply  because  she  finally  realized  that  things  were  moving  too  fast  and  she  kinda  of  needed  to  pump  the  breaks  ?  she  definitely  didn’t  do  it  in  the  best  way  ,  but  it  could  be  an  interesting  relationship  /  dynamic  to  explore  .

she’s  been  in  new  york  since  forever  so  i  just  imagine  there  being  a  slew  of  connections  stemming  from  that  ?  friendships  ,  rivalries  ,  and  romantic  connections  !  idk  why  i  love  them  so  much  ,  but  i’d  really  love  for  her  to  have  an  ex  best  friend  .  we  can  determine  why  their  friendship  ended  ,  but  i  really  love  exploring  the  demise  of  relationships  .

my  brain  is  blanking  so  🤠  .

[nctzendreamz]

One Year Anniversary w/ BTS

a/n: i had written this so long ago, but I thought you guys might enjoy!! <3333

jin:

how would he feel?

i feel like this would be a very big deal for jin and he’d make sure you knew it too. with his hectic schedules and time being limited, the fact that you haven’t left him yet is a celebration within itself, but he still can’t help but wake up and feel like it’s a dream to be with someone he loves and admires so much.

what would y’all do?

definitely a stay in the house kind of day. you are an extreme homebody, so you didn’t have any problems with that. he would cook your favorite meal and the two of you would just eat and talk with each other about things going on. time would just be flying by with the two of enjoying each others company like it was a first date. your heart still skipped a beat when you heard his laugh, and his practically jumped out of his chest when your smiled radiated against him. expect passionate love time after your stomachs get settled as well.

what will he get you?

honestly, I feel like jin will get you a whole bunch of nick nack type of items that are special to your relationship like a picture of the two of you, a carving of a baby tiger that you can put on your table because that was your favorite animal to play with when he took you to the zoo, while also getting you a few personal things you like too, like a bracelet with your initials on it, a necklace with your favorite shape as the charm.

[[MORE]]

yoongi:

how would he feel?

yes, I’m fully aware that yoongi is not some emotionless man who doesn’t have a care in the world, but regardless I do think he’s a lowkey person. what I mean by this is that when it comes to your one year anniversary, he might feel head over heels about it, and want to plan this whole romantic thing for it, but you might catch him not exactly showing it by being all over you until later in the night. he would show you more affection with an abundance of gifts and not words.

what would y’all do?

you and yoongi usually just chilled together at your house or his when you both were free to, but for your anniversary you both agreed that you needed to leave the house and try something different. you both would get dressed up really nice, and go to an expensive restaurant, laughing at the prices of the food compared to the actual size of the meal and even though you ate it, you would end up getting fast food after. yoongi would not be able to keep his eyes off you and every time he saw you smile or heard you laugh, he would want to pull out a ring for you to be his for eternity.

what would he get you?

this is gonna so so typical lmao, but one of the things he would definitely do is write you a song. i feel like music is one of yoongi’s favorite ways to communicate, so writing you a song would be the first thing he thought of. secondly, he would get the two of you couple rings. he knew you always wanted those and he also agreed although he would never be caught saying it out loud that when the two of you were far apart, it would make him feel like you were still connected somehow. yoongi would also get you bags and bags of expensive clothes and hoodies, followed by a matching watch to the one you bought him for his birthday a couple months before.

hoseok:

how would he feel?

hoseok would be so overjoyed that you’ve made it this far, and you’re gonna know it. everyday that you’ve been together has done nothing but give him this warm feeling that he didn’t know he needed, and you truly are his best friend in the whole entire world. he loves you so much and is so grateful to have you so he’s going to do everything to make sure you understand that.

what would y’all do?

the one thing the other members always teased you and hoseok about was how “high end” you were. after you started dating hoseok, in his eyes you became one, so everything he had you had too. we all know how lavish he lives, and your 1 year anniversary would be nothing less than that. he will plan a 4 day trip to Japan. hoseok is taking you shopping until your arms fall off, you’re going to the most expensive restaurant, you’re going to the nicest hotel in the city, he’s going all out.

what would he get you?

i didn’t realize I lowkey said it above, but most definitely takes you shopping. he will legit just follow you around the store, letting you model everything you buy for him wishing he could do this all day. he’s also another member that will have you ICED OUT! more than any other member tbh. y’all will have so much matching jewelry, but his favorite was the gold J chain that you eagerly put around your neck.

namjoon:

how he feels about it?

oh does this boy love you more than anything. he might not have told you everyday, but you are his rock and his soulmate for real, yet he’s similar to yoongi in the sense that he’s not over the top about showing how he feels. actually, for the whole year you’ve been together namjoon has been lowkey, only allowing you to see his “soft” and complete boyfriend material side, nobody else. on his Instagram he posted a few aethstetic pictures and you could get the occasional women crush wednesday on his snap story, but the rest was really between the two of you. it was something you often complained about, which is why on the day of your one year namjoon really did try his best to be extra romantic.

what would y’all do?

another trip taker. he made it a surprise as he knew you’d never offer it even if you thought about it as you knew how tired he was. you woke in inside of a house with him sleeping beside you. yes, he rented a whole house for y’all to stay in for the weekend as he had to get back to work on Monday.

what did he get you?

instead of writing a song, he writes you a long poem about how favorite things about you and how much he loves you. namjoon isn’t much of a icy man, but he knows you love jewelry so he gets you plentiful.

jimin:

how does he feel about it?

y’all know jimin is somehow a soft baby but at the same time the manliest man ever. like idk what it is about him, but I soooo see him as the “I’m sweet&goofy to my baby but I can also get serious” type of guy, and that’s definitely what you’re gonna see. he’s gonna take your one year very seriously and he's so blessed to have you in his life. for every day that you’ve loved him, you’ll get all that love back in one day. he knows y’all have had your ups and down and just like Jin there were times where he swore you would leave him because of the hectic schedule, but y’all made it and he loves you so much.

what will y’all do?

thankfully, your anniversary fell on a time period where bts had some time off, so he got you a week vacation to busan, where you two honestly didn’t do anything over the top compared to hoseok. the both of you were perfectly content staying in bed all day, catching up on all the love you missed out on while the two of you were at work. he’ll continually post you all over his (private) Snapchat story to brag to all of his friends and members about the great time you’re having, and he’ll cook for you legit everyday. like it might as well be your birthday because he’s not letting you love a muscle even though it’s a mutual event.

what did he get you?

i feel like I’m saying jewelry for everyone but they all be low key blinged out I can’t help it. another couple ring appreciator. in yours, his initials were carved in the inside, and in his yours. he also gets you the most sentimental gift ever. a whole book with all your memories. pictures and pictures ft more pictures of every date, every selfie ugly or cute, and lastly a letter. in this letter jimin would tell you everything he’s never said. he’d tell you about how after the two of you hung up on FaceTime when he was on tour, he cried when he thought about the fact that he couldn’t touch you, kiss you, wipe your own tears away that he had just saw before the call ended. how just the sound of your laugh can cure any depression, sadness, or worrieness he feels. all of that.

taehyung:

how he feels about it?

it wouldn’t hit him until the day before that you two had made it this far. he would be so quiet and people would think he was upset, but in reality he couldn’t be happier. every memory would run through his mind, and it would put a permanent smirk on his face.

what will y’all do?

another trip taker. he asked you a month ago if you could go anywhere in the world where would it be, and you said Aruba. now you were in Aruba. he would be sure that he didn’t have any conflicting schedules, and would try to make it the best vacation ever. the two of you will do everything possible to do.

what did he get you? other than Aruba lmfao

a lot of clothes. he had thought long and hard about it, and he felt this was the best thing to buy. he also wrote you a letter like jimin, but he wasn’t very confident in it. he tried his best to express himself on paper, but how could he put his love for you in words? it was impossible.

jungkook:

how does he feel?

jungkook is going to try his hardest to be cool about everything. of course he will tell you how much he loves you, but he still will be fighting to be relaxed and calm about it all. it wouldn’t hit him until the day was over that he had truly reached a milestone with you.

what will y’all do?

in reality, he would want to take you on a trip so bad. he didn’t care where, he just wanted to get away with you. but he wasn’t allowed as bts was still promoting, so he had to settle on two days with you, promising more later. the fact that you said one day would’ve been okay made him feel even worse. he had let you plan it out since you told him you wanted to stay home. the two of you cooked together, failing horribly but making more memories. as you ate, you would just talk forever. it’s 1am, and you’re still talking. after that, you’re going to bed and not leaving until he has to leave again unless one of you have to pee.

what will he get you?

when he gave you a bag of photos, you thought it would be pictures of you, and some were, but a lot were pictures of nature.

“they remind me of you. even though you’re more beautiful.”

he would also get you jewelry because...it’s a must. he had a shopping spree waiting for you as well, but he was saving that for when you two actually had a vacation.

[ihavetoomanyinterestsplshelp]

Basketcase- Part 1

(Idk if basketcase is offense to use... but this is a story I’m working on that’s HEAVILY inspired by real life stuff. It’s kinda dark and sad, but also super hopeful) 

So I’m laying next to her, my hands itch to touch her, to stroke the soft skin and silky hair the colour of sun-kissed wheat. Her eyes and closed, and her breathing is deep and relaxed. My hands clench into fists to keep from touching her, but it is a fight within myself. I stare at her sleeping form and my breath is taken from my lungs. How the hell can one person be this beautiful? It’s so unfair I could cry. I am, of course, acutely aware of the fact that my affections are not and will never be returned. But that does not keep my mind from wandering to thoughts, soft and gentle thoughts that quiet the usual turmoil inside me. //”Hi honey, I’m home from work.” She looks exhausted and I limp over to her to place a kiss on her cheek. “How was it?” I ask, brushing her long golden hair from her face and staring lovingly into those pools of deep grey-blue, “Did anything interesting happen?” She smiles at me and kisses me on the lips, “No, not a thing. But work was good.” She holds my hands in hers and all is right with the world. “I love you.” // I am snapped back to reality as she shifts in her sleep and makes a soft sound, her body touches mine and I feel a jolt of electricity course through my veins, my heart races and I feel a flutter in my stomach. Is this what love feels like? I am inclined to say yes, I have never felt like this before. From the moment I saw her my life was never the same, being with her brings colour into my drab, grey world. Gives me a type of warmth I’ve never felt before. If I focus on her, I feel whole… When she wakes up I have to pretend I didn’t spend the whole night watching her, I don’t want her to think I’m a creep or anything. I curl into myself next to her and say, “Good morning.” She replies, “Good morning.” She’s so beautiful when she speaks, it takes my breath away and I could cry I’m so happy to just hear her voice. So then I ask her, “How did you sleep?” And she looks at me, I wonder what she’s thinking, “Good.” She says after a beat. I want to kiss her lips. “Should I go head and turn off the alarm?” I ask, grabbing my phone and logging in. God my password is embarrassing, what am I five? I check my Facebook messages while I wait for her to answer. If I look at her too long my brain turns into soup, and my palms get sweaty, so I focus on the tiny screen and turn off the alarm. I look up and she’s staring at the ceiling, I watch her for a moment, tracing the lines of her face, memorizing every tiny detail I can in the dim light of the early morning. “Sooo,” I say, unsure how to talk suddenly. She smiles at me, and I feel like my heart is being strangled. “So.” She responds. “What do you want for breakfast?” We’re at my house after all, we’re usually at her house, so this is awkward. “I don’t have time for breakfast.” She answers, “I have to drive back to my house, and then drive to work.” “Oh.” I reply, I’m sure the disappointment is evident on my face and in my voice. I tentatively reach out and touch her hair, brushing it from her face. She doesn’t stop me, just leans into my touch. We’re close, incredibly close. We’ve fooled around a few times, nothing major, nothing that would change our relationship, much to my dismay. I want to be more than just best friends. I want to be girlfriends, I want to wake up to her every day. Well I wouldn’t wake up to her, since I don’t really sleep. I’d just spend every night staring at her, but that’s the way I wanna spend my nights. Forever. She could teach me to cook and force me to try more food. I could learn to cook her favorite meals and have them waiting for her when she got home. Or we could cook together every night, side by side. Smiling and giggling. I chase away the thoughts before I can break my own heart. “Can we just lay here for a minute then?” I ask her, it isn’t weird when there’s a long pause between us. She gets that it takes me a long time to reply, there’s so many gears that shift and pause and break in my head. And I don’t mind when she takes a while to answer either, because I love almost everything about her. “Yea sure.” She smiles at me. There’s an error message in my brain, and I think I’m going to blue screen. How does she always know what to say or do that will make me fall in love all the more. We chat about random things for a while, but my thoughts keep drifting back to the previous night. Oh yea, I forget to mention, our other friend was over at my apartment too. Her name is Amber and she’s like, really frigging awesome and a total badass. She’s taking like a million college classes, taking care of her grandmother and is basically the glue that holds her family together. I wanna be her when I grow up to be honest. She’s actually a week younger than me, but she’s my role model. Oh, I also never mentioned my best friend’s name. God, I’m dumb, her name is Taylor. I’m the worst narrator in the world just so you know Anyways, what I’m thinking about is when we played truth or dare and the dare where Taylor had to lick something edible off my neck. It was like, so hot and like, talk about arousal. Taylor is basically everything I’ve ever been attracted to in a person. Fun, motherly, sassy, playful, erotic (She has an OnlyFans). I just can’t see a world in which I wouldn’t have fallen madly in love with her. After a while she gets up, and I know it’s almost time for her to go. And I’m reeling, struggling to find an excuse for her to stay longer. If I feign an injury will she stay? If I say I’m sick will she baby me and kiss my forehead, tuck me in, making me soup. Scratch that, I fucking hate soup. She hugs me before she leaves and gives me a kiss on the forehead. I’m too short to kiss her back. I’m like shorter than most people. Amber and I are almost the same height though, which is nice. It means we actually walk near the same pace. Ok, that’s a lie, she walks faster than me, every walks faster than me. I have a limp, I don’t know why, but my hip always aches and I refuse to go to the doctor about it. Actually if I’m honest most of my body hurts constantly unless I’m asleep. Also my mind is constantly screaming at me, I have very dark thoughts sometimes. Thoughts that I should kill myself and stuff, thoughts that everyone hates me. When I was younger these thoughts would get to be so much that I would hurt myself in ways that caused people to look at me like I was crazy. And like, yeah, I probably am crazy, but… Ok I have nothing to add. I am crazy, most days I cry for hours and have to fight off the urge to just you know, end it all. Oof, that sounds depressing, but don’t worry about me, things will turn out the way they’re meant to. So if I die, then I die I suppose. She’s gone now and I don’t know what to do with myself. Taylor is my sun and I am the sunflower that follows her light. Is that super gay to say? Probably. But I am like, super gay. Like really gay. I like guys, but I LOVE girls. There’s just something about girls that draws me in. I’m a fly drawn to their sweet nectar. I stare up at the ceiling. I think back to the first time we kissed. It was at her house. We were cuddled up together, we we’re touching each other and stuff and then I just kissed her, and it was like kissing for the first time. It was like I had been drowning my entire life and I was suddenly given air for the first time. Ok, if you’re getting sick of hearing me blabber on and on about my best friend, fret not because the whole story wont be about my big unrequited crush. (But she will definitely be a huge main feature) So I’ve been watching Euphoria and I mean, the show is fantastic. Who the hell told Hunter Schafer she could be that fucking fantastic, how is this her first time acting? I’m jealous, I wanted to be an actor when I was a kid. I was good too. But my grandmother wouldn’t allow me to pursue my dreams, I would tell her about all these acting opportunities and she would just shoot me down. Acting was the one thing I was the most passionate about. I would read script after script and act out the characters, and I could have been someone. But then everything fell apart. And I crumbled into a shadow of my former self. I gave up on everything, I stopped living. I simply survived, but I was still a good actor, so at school no one ever suspected anything was wrong. No one would have thought that I was slicing my arms and legs to ribbons, that I was starving myself, that I was slamming my head against the walls at home. That my grandma was verbally abusing me daily… that I was being put down at every turn and growing increasingly desperate to find a reason to live for. At least no one suspected, until I couldn’t pretend anymore... Ok wow, that got dark, but you are the one who picked up a story literally titled Basketcase. What did you expect? Sunshine and roses? I wish that’s what my life had been. Ok, buckle up, this story gets dark, but there’s levity in the darkness.