#idk maybe stop trying to get ppl you think are abusers to kill themselves and actually for once consider my abuser as abusive

[snekdood]

bitches be like “well, we failed to kill him with social isolation, this must mean he is rich and doesnt need to rely on us, clearly cancelling isnt real and doesn’t effect people, i know so much about everything in the world and his life specifically because everything he says online is him talking and posting in real time and we all know he is a static being who doesn’t have ever fluid thoughts in the moment”

[charlietheepicwriter7]

Me: It’s fine, I’m over Umbrella Academy, I can enjoy the show like a regular person-- Brain: Plot an au where Vanya starts her own superhero team. Me, tumblr text file already open: Fuck you.

Vanya discovers her powers after running away from home in late high school and running out of pills. She can’t get a refill since her pills were created by Reginald for only her and “hey, kid, where’d you get these mysterious drugs from? I’m calling the cops.”

She spends most of her time trying to earn money by playing the violin. 

She has a panic attack in an alley bc she’s out of pills and she can’t go home and oh, god, what should she do--    That blows up the alley. When the destruction is over, there’s a person standing there--a person with no identifiable gender staring at them with wide eyes. “You’re just like me,” they gasp. 

This is the first of multiple OCs in this verse, provided that I work more on it. Maybe... 5 major OCs?

This particular OC is Taylor, one of the other 43 kids born October 1st, 1989, and they are a shapeshifter from France. If you follow me, you might recall they were briefly mentioned in this short post. They can shapeshift into any person, animal, or combination therefore at the cost of an extremely high metabolism. 

Taylor immediately drags Vanya off to their hotel which they are staying with another one of the 43, Mason. Mason is an Empath from England. He and Taylor met online. His power allows him to both feel and manipulate other people’s emotions. He can even affect large crowds of hundreds of people.

Taylor and Mason have been scoping out the Umbrella Academy for the past week, trying to decide whether or not to approach them with the idea of joining. Mason thinks it would be irresponsible to not volunteer to help people (having grown up on “with great power comes great responsibility”. Taylor doesn’t actually care beyond preventing Mason from getting shot, but has slowly grown to like the idea.

Vanya immediately goes, “You naive idiots, here’s a million reasons why that’s a bad idea”, thoroughly explaining her backstory to boot. And then remembers that she suddenly has powers now and oh look! Another panic attack.

Mason puts a stop to that. No blowing up hotel rooms here, thank you. 

But now, Mason and Taylor are up a shit creek because the only known superhero group is run by an abusive asshole and they still want to help people. And Vanya’s like, “Hey, I was basically right next to Reginald in the Umbrella Academy’s training for my entire life, I know how to train ppl to be superheroes. I can train you guys!”

And Mason goes, “Fantastic, also we should probably figure out why your literally exploding shit despite being powerless for your entire life. bc wtf man.”

Vanya: “That is a fantastic idea, also I’m having an identity crisis.” Taylor: “That’s literally my entire life, let me help.”

But all is not well in the city of Townsville, for you see, another person saw Vanya blow up an alleyway. It was... The Conductor!! 

(No, it’s not jenkins, and while I haven’t read the comics, the Conductor isn’t going to be here long enough to matter). 

The Conductor has been kidnapping and brainwashing musicians into joining his Orchestra of EVIL to play his Apocalypse Suite that’s totally going to end the world, guys. 

(let’s just say the Conductor is lowkey psychic. Like, he knows this song is going to be the song that ends the world, but not when it happens or who plays it)

So, he was stalking Vanya, to save her from a life of homelessness by drugging and brainwashing her when he sees her blow up the alley and thinks “oh. that’s the missing piece.”

Vanya has only been training Taylor and Mason for three days or so when she gets kidnapped by the Conductor and Taylor and Mason are like “oh shit, we should probably get her back if we want our dream to become reality, also because it’s the right thing to do.”

It takes them a while to track her down, because they’re not heroes yet, and they get captured while looking for her, because they’re not heroes yet. 

By this point, Vanya’s been drugged and being forced to learn the first chair part for the Apocalypse Suite, and some memories have been knocked loose. Like bby!Allison rumoring her. The dark room in the basement. And bby!Vanya killing a nanny or two. She’s very emotionally overwhelmed right now. 

But she’s resisting the Conductor, who is not having it. So he threatens to kill Mason and Taylor if she doesn’t agree to play. So she does. 

And She Brings Down The Building.

Vanya manages to keep herself, Taylor, and Mason alive in the destruction, but the same cannot be said about the Conductor, probably (IDK, if I decide to continue/write this, he seems like he could be a good reoccurring villain). 

Vanya is very overwhelmed at this point because All she ever wanted was to be accepted by her family, to have powers like them, so the fact that her father deliberately took them away from her is devastating. Fortunately, she managed to get most of the rage out of her system by blowing up the Conductor’s building. 

Mason and Taylor drag her out of there before the police show up because they blew up a building. By the time they get back to their hotel, Vanya has decided. 

“Can I... can I join your superhero team? If you guys want me?”

Of course they say yes because they’ve bonded now, but Vanya is still very iffy about being on the front lines. Like, she JUST had a guy try to brainwash her into destroying the world with her powers and it was revealed that she kept killing nannies in her childhood, she’s not in a good place involving them. 

But, again, she’s been next to Reginald Hargreeves for a long time. She knows about both training and leading a superhero team. So Taylor suggests she takes the head. Or perhaps... the First Chair. 

Because that’s what the Conductor made her. She was to be the first chair of his Orchestra of Evil, to lead the apocalypse. It’s only right that she takes that back. Plus, as part of their job, the first chair is a leader. 

And Vanya is a leader now.

Since I don’t know if I should continue this, here’s my OCs, their powers, their hero names, and their jobs on the team.

Taylor Devereux Power: Shape-shifting Hero name: The Chimera Job: Infiltrator, Tank Note: Has the world’s biggest crush on Vanya. 

Mason Gaines Power: Empath Hero name: The Aura Job: Crowd Control, Can Wipe Out Large Amounts of Enemies Note: Both Taylor and Mason named themselves after Vanya’s siblings in an act of solidarity. Was the one to suggest it, along with the group name, “The Parahumans.”

Saniyah Best Power: Technopath Hero Name: Hijack Job: Hacker, Information Gather Note: Saniyah was the next to join. Discovered them through her hacking after being kidnapped to use her powers for evil. Sent an SOS, agreed to join if they rescued her. 

Luiz Rocha do Amaral Power: Elemental Breath Hero Name: Drake Job: Heavy Hitter/Lancer Note: Found them on an online forum of all places and tracked them down from there. Is working on an animated cartoon of their adventures as a superhero team.  Until he started training with the Parahumans, he thought his power was Fire Breath, but in truth he can breath multiple elements. 

Sang-Kyu Choi Power: Shadow Manipulation Hero Name: The Shade Job: Leader on the ground, Sniper Notes: Vanya saved his life. While Sang-Kyu didn’t originally plan to be a hero, he couldn’t not repay that debt. Somehow, he ended up leading the entire team. He and Vanya are very close, almost as close as Taylor and Vanya.

Vanya Hargreeves Power: Sound Manipulation Hero Name: The First Chair Job: Team Leader, Eyes in the Sky, Trainer Notes: She cried the first time their group celebrated their mutual birthday and she got presents since she rarely got them before. Still remembers every note of the Apocalypse Suite over a decade into the future. Misses Five Hargreeves more than anything else in the world. 

If you want to be added to a possible taglist, please use the replies or my ask box and make sure you call it the “parahumans au” so I can find it fast. 

[citrus-feline]

ppl really are just like “lol ur just sad bcuz ur not allowed to be lazy” when mentally ill & disabled people complain about capitalism making them actually want to commit suicide because it makes us all seem like burdens.

how can you have such a lack of empathy?? for a fucking Second just imagine what it would be like from that persons perspective before telling them that they should suck it up and just do it (somehow?? despite their situations making that near impossible, if not outright).

idk what to tell you if you think that this is a thing that is okay to let happen. it is not uncommon to any degree for people in this type of situation to feel like a burden and to consider things as drastic as suicide. that isn’t uncommon. that happens, a lot. but you’d rather believe that we are all in some kind of evil group of dumb kids who pretend just because they want to be lazy??? there are kids who do that, yeah, but the majority of people who complain about this kind of thing aren’t like that.

you can continue to tell us that we are awful people for thinking this way, and i want you to know that it isn’t helping. you saying that shit is upright making it worse. even if it WAS true, what is the point of saying it? you are implying that people who go through this Deserve to feel like burdens and Deserve to want to commit suicide, even if that wasn’t your intention. that is what we see when you type that out.

you all act like we never have tried and we are just sitting with our unknowing perceptions of how things work, but let me tell you that almost all of us have tried, multiple times at that. finding a job with these circumstances in the first place is incredibly difficult. i can sometimes do an okay job at getting people to believe that i’m normal because my appearance isn’t really affected by what i go through, while other people don’t have that grace. and even then, even when i was hired after months and months of searching and being turned down over and over and over because my personality wasn’t what they wanted..... my employer would eventually learn that i am not normal. it’s Really hard to hide that type of thing when it affects you every single day of your life, turns out.

even taking the horrible process of getting hired into account, people will act like when you are hired that you are good and it’s all easy from there. it isn’t. it really isn’t. i worked as long as i did for my past jobs because i went in thinking that everything wrong with me would go away when i finally got to that point. because that’s what people act like. unfortunately, that isn’t how it works. i would find myself dreading work after a month or two. by the third month i would consider suicide nearly every minute on the job, to the point of me getting so scared that my employer would notice and i would get fired or i would end up quitting because i don’t want to die just yet.

you can go on and on about how young adults these days are just too sensitive and don’t understand anything, but like... im starting to think that everyone from older generations that felt this way just... died? killed themselves? or couldn’t find a job and ended up on the streets? you know that tons of homeless people are mentally ill or disabled to some extent, right? you know that, right??? and even with all of that you still continue to say how entitled we all are when we literally just want to survive.

my dream for what i want my future to be isn’t crazy or over the top. i just want to live with my boyfriend, get married in a few years, and maybe try to go to school when i feel ready. my goal in life is to just be happy. it isn’t to be rich or famous like you all seem to think it is. i just want to survive with the person i love. i want to be happy. why is that such an awful thing to want? how am i a bad person for wanting to be happy?

im quiet and always do as im told. i dont go out of my way to make things hard for other people. yes, doing things can be really hard for me, and they normally are. but ill end up doing it, it just might take a while. the problem with how things work is the expectation of happening fast and without issue. i’ve always done things slowly because of how much thought i put into everything. it has always, even since i was very young, difficult for me to work myself towards doing something.

this isn’t something that developed during high school like so many people seem to assume. i’ve been depressed and anxious for as long as i can remember. i remember being REALLY weird when i was very young, and that’s because i didn’t understand what was wrong with me. i was miserable most of the time, even as early as elementary school. i feel like i didn’t ever have the happy, lazy experience that everyone assumes i’m trying to keep in my life. i can’t keep that if i never had it. and even if i could somehow make it happen, it hasn’t. i’m in a pretty understanding situation with my boyfriend, and i’m given time to do things. he understands how hard things are for me, and doesn’t automatically just call me lazy like everyone else seems to. it makes me feel like i have some kind of worth.

isn’t it depressing to think about the fact that i will often find myself thinking that i am worthless because of the lack of what i do? i will find myself looking at me at the core and think “yeah this is worthless, and it should be thrown away”. even when i do well i think this way. nothing is ever enough, and no matter how hard i work to ignore it, my issues won’t magically vanish. i WISH they did. and i’ve tried so hard to make that happen. but it doesn’t. this isn’t something that is simply just a made up problem that i’ve convinced myself to believe. i was suffering from this before i even knew you COULD be like this. i just always thought that i was weird and broken and unlovable and... worthless. even as a kid. i tried the same tactic of making myself do tons of things in order to try to make it go away, but it didn’t work. being the smart kid never worked. being the kid who really wanted to have fun and play but assumed i couldn’t because i needed to work harder to be ‘normal’ like all the other kids Never Worked. i never had more than 5 friends at a time for the large majority of my school life. that got a little better in high school when i started to accept whats wrong with me, but even then it was still pretty bleak.

i just. i don’t get how people can come on here, look at a post written by someone struggling for other people struggling, and then tell everyone who agrees with it that they are all just lazy and awful people. does that make you feel good about yourself? you know that we all already know that we are far from normal, right? i know only one or two people who have gone through this all without mental illness or disability contributing, but so many more who experience it with those things being the core.

if you hate disabled and mentally ill people, just say it. because you acting like you are morally superior because you are lucky enough to be able to tolerate the work environment of today is obviously how you feel. we know that people hate us. we do. i’ve been verbally abused plenty over this exact thing, from lots of different people acting like they “know the best” for me.

please just. stop talking to us if you are so unwilling to listen. we listen to you constantly. its a rare case to come across other people being loud about this type of thing without outright looking for it. if you look for it, you can find it, but i wouldn’t have ever thought to do that for most of my life. the only reason i learned what was wrong with me was because a school counselor in middle school got so concerned for me that she made me see her once a week to talk about how i see the world. and turns out, most people DONT see it the way i do! wow! sounds stupid but i actually had NO idea that i saw things so differently than other people. what a shocker, right? well, it sure was for me when i was just learning then that some people have things like depression or anxiety.

im done with this post. im tired and im going to think about something else.

[piraticalpsyche]

idk man, i think ppl get so used to the freedom to kinda vent and be themselves and all that online in public view that they forget that some topics are really personal or inappropriate, and that it can make others uncomfortable when you foist ur life issues on them out of nowhere

like, on tumblr in particular (and other social media it seems like), theres a culture of just being very open and #relatable about ur issues and traumas, and finding communities where u can discuss things about your life that you cant discuss irl by being vocal about them is great and all that, but man. theres a big difference between making a vent text post to just toss out there and dropping some heavy, unsolicited stuff on a casual internet acquaintance one on one!!

i try to be very nice and chill and welcoming, i type rly casually and i make jokes and i try to be considerate and encouraging and ramp ppl up at any opportunity. but just because someone is nice and prompting further convo w you online doesnt mean that they want to be your therapist!!!!!

i cannot count the times that, the second someone online has warmed up to me, they let me in on some serious and distressing shit. i mean i get it, ive been through some bad stuff and close calls, sometimes you feel like youve gotta reach out to ANYONE, but i do not know u!!

i see tons of reblog chains like ‘uwu come into my askbox anytime something is wrong!’ and thats valid or whatever if youve got the tolerance and desire to put up with the actual reality of what that means, but ppl shouldnt just assume that someone is willing to play that role for them. just because someone is talkative and friendly doesnt mean they want to talk about like

all your thoughts about a serious and immediate life choice, or the weight and affects of wrestling w addiction (esp if its urgent!), or accounts of abuse, or acute details of a fucked up heartbreak, or violent sexual fantasies, and they probably really dont want to have the responsibility of your well-being dropped on them, forcing them to stay on the line with you for hours convincing you to stop hurting yourself and talk you down from a suicide attempt, or else cut ties and wonder if they killed you for the rest of their life by disengaging from some poor hurting person h a h

yknow, just to name a couple of things that ive been made a part of more than once each in the last few years!!

this isnt to say you cant have an online support system to turn to, just that maybe the stranger youve been chatting to on and off with for anywhere between 1 day to 1 month probably isnt the person you need in your most vulnerable moments, and is probably just another person with their own difficulties

just like with anything, there are special circumstances, but for the most part its not ok to drop something like this on like, someone seated next to you on a plane, or the new barista at the cafe u frequent and have casual chats with a few times a week, so idk why you would want to do that to someone online that youve had the same level of exposure to!

[dottie-wan-kenobi]

I love yall for being interested in this <333 sorry if this is not the Etiquette lol I... kind of don't care and wanna reply. TW child abuse

#don’t hashtag shut up yourself I want to hear all about this it’s very interesting and remind me of how YouTube was a few years back when#some people would actually use it as vent. even thought it’s not the healthiest place and way to go about it I’m sure a part of his audience#would reconize themselves (probably not the hunter part) and find some peace in knowing that there is people in the world that lived similar#things they lived. some might even go about thinking there’s a metaphor around the whole monsters thing and find inspiration in it#idk this au sounds neat#spn (from @xnoctua)

first of all, thank you 🥺 and secondly, this is such a good point and it hurts my feelings lmao. the thought of Dean getting these comments that are like, heartfelt genuine "I see you, I understand you, I wish the best for you"s. "I had to raise my siblings too" "I was a military kid too I know how lonely it is" like, maybe it's not in-person support but it is still support!! and I think I might've already said this but, Dean was not expecting any kind of response to these videos. he was just expecting other hunters to watch them and find them useful, MAYBE. so having these strangers talk about how they can relate to him in "normal" ways... 🥺🥺🥺

I'm just thinking about him sitting there and really responding to all of these messages. thinking out every word carefully while he heals up from rough hunts. getting to be a caretaker almost, while having someone validate him too.

(the monsters being a metaphor.... omg. the comments are psychoanalyzing him and he's like "no. no. werewolves ARE real they DID beat the shit out of me I am NOT talking about my dad" and no one believing him LMFAOO)

--

#!!!!!!! DOTTIE THIS IS CHEFS KISS#I'm trying to hard not to think of sam at night when hes feelinf extra homesick being that meme of thr person in bed grumpy w arms crossed#finally giving in and listening to them and watching them and pretending like deans just reading out like bedtime stories or something#ALDO WHEEZING AT THE POSSIBILITY OF IT BEING POPULAR ENOUGH THAT DEAN GETS STOPPED IN THE STREET BY PPL#BUT DISCRETELY BC EARLY 2KS#AND JOHN'S OCCASIONALLY THERE W HIM AND HE DOESNT KNOW AND JUST BEING INSAAAANELY CONFUSED LIKE ARE THESE TEENS HITTING ON HIM? ARE THEY#ASKING FOR HUNTER HELP?? HOW THE FUCK DO THEY KNOW DEAN WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN IN EVERY TOWN (from @fanfictiongreenirises)

Sammy 🥺🥺🥺 oh my god yes. cause like, he doesn't really miss John and he doesn't miss the constant instability. he just misses Dean and the fun and happy times they had together. but he can't and he won't call. so when he does watch, EXACTLY it just throws him right back. that's his big brother just chatting and complaining like always. maybe he responds, huffs and eye rolls and everything, because even tho Dean can't reply, it's just so natural to. he is a little brother through and through and he's gotta be annoying (even if its to a literal screen)

KDJHFKJA this is so fucking funny. the teens are like just there bc Dean is Hot and Weird and Sad and Relatable. they're like "we're on our way to a hunt ;) how do you fight skinwalkers again ;)" and Dean somehow has to guide them away before John can start being a dick about backing off the case, and who are you who do you work with, etc etc. and then when Dean comes back he's like so you wanna tell me why you're working with unknown, clearly untrained hunters?? trying to get yourself killed? and Dean can't just be like "they know me from my video journal youtube account" lest he be killed by John's rage. "I. I think they had the wrong person sir. heh :)"

which only works the first time so after that Dean gets good at telling when ppl are fans of his and when he needs to nip it right in the bud

@cptmarveljr I am too lmfaooo

I would need to think about it more honestly but just. Dean is beat up in a lot of his videos, and maybe there's one where he looks Terrible. he says that he and John got into an argument and that John fucked off somewhere. he doesn't want to talk about it, gets shifty-eyed, starts avoiding the topic of his father. (really, he's just angry and once again abandoned and he hates thinking about it.) people who see Dean irl aren't seeing John. and maybe this wouldn't add up to murder with anyone else, but every single one of Dean's videos are about the best way to kill monsters. he has weapons and he knows how to use them. it probably starts as a joking suggestion from someone who thinks this is some improv thing (in which case, this horror-fantasy youtube show killing an important side character is both interesting and exciting! gotta solve the mystery!) but then the people who Really Believe get suspicious, and start trying to look for any clues they can find. and Dean just never talks about it, never acknowledges it, not even a "no I would not kill my father" (because he knows it's not true)

Obsessed with the idea of Dean making a YouTube channel where he talks about hunting monsters. It’s therapy in a way, venting to a faceless audience who Have to listen to him. It’s also a good resource to have, not just for him but for others too

So the comment section looks like:

Hunters who are thanking him, correcting him, or asking questions

People who stumbled upon it and think this is one of those ARGs like on TikTok and are possibly pretending to be hunters thinking it’s part of the game

People who are legitimately concerned for his mental health because he is no joke talking about killing monsters and sharing traumatic stories about a childhood killing monsters. He either never mentions any friends at all, or none who are alive. He’s just always in dark rooms that feel menacing through the camera. He keeps saying “when I died”???

Idk if this is an AU with a more modern timeline or if he started in 2005 and is just this insane pillar still doing it 15 years later but

[assholemurphy]

so, i’m dying.

lol, not rly. except, yeah, kinda.

my gallbladder has finally fucked itself into a coma and only wakes up to force me to projectile vomit myself into oblivion whenever i consume solids. and on occasions, liquids, if it’s rly cranky. that’s my life now.

i have managed to eat 2 hot pockets, some chips, abt 8 jalepeno poppers, and three eggrolls (and keep them down) in the past 2 weeks. all that i’ve been able to keep down has happened in the past 24hrs. i’m not sure how i managed it, tbh, but it wasn’t without a fight. other than that, i have not digested anything but liquids in the past 2 weeks. i cannot think straight, i can barely form words in my head, let alone say them out loud. this is not fun and i don’t like it. it was one thing to choose not to eat (tho, rly, with an ed, it wasn’t exactly a choice, ya feel?) and to choose to purge, but now that i have no choice at all, i’m so fucking pissed off. like, part of me is happy bc i’ve lost 5lbs already, even with being bloated from constant puking, but like, more of me just wants to survive so i can work on my goddamn finals. which are all due this week. and none of them are done. (except the one that was due last week, managed to do that one, luckily).

pretty boy took me to the er on sun night bc i can’t keep anything down and it’s only gotten worse since they released me. we got there right as the docs were changing shifts, so the first doc was rly narcissistic and full of himself and the second he heard me say ‘i’ve got atypical anorexia b/p subtype’ he was like, ‘ah, yes, it’s all in your head, this is your fault’ which even made pb annoyed bc he apparently can tell the difference between what’s currently going on and my (his words, not mine) ‘crash diets’. but he was p sure the doc didn’t like me bc i called my primary doc (who was supposed to get me scheduled for an ultrasound to get this taken care of almost 2 months ago but didn’t bc he didn’t believe me when i said (having opinions from 2 previous docs) i had gallbladder issues, so he ignored it) an idiot for, ya know, ignoring me when i told him something was wrong. but docs are assholes, they don’t like it when you’re right abt something they can’t see themselves. so i’m switching primary docs asap. this guy’s a fucking joke.

(it’s also been almost three weeks since the pharmacy faxed him paperwork abt the insurance company not wanting to pay for my adderall prescript bc i take 3 pills a day and they only wanna pay for 90 in 75 days (yeah, not even 2 pills a day, like this shit doesn’t work for five hours max). he still hasn’t filled it out. it’s fucking finals week and i’ve got maybe 6 pills left. how fucking grand. so that’s gotta be sorted at the same time he gets me a surgeon’s appt.)

so the guy had me pee in a cup and gave me fluids/anti nausea meds (which were nice, helped me keep down a bit of food sun night). then he basically told me ‘it’s just cyclic vomiting, you’ve just got to break the cycle’ but he was leaving so he was going to let the next guy discharge me. thank fucking god, bc otherwise, i’d probably be dead in a couple weeks.

so this next guy is eccentric af, this whole hospital is a circus, it’s fucking great (no sarcasm, i love quirky ppl). he checks out my cup of pee and orders some blood tests (that the other guy didn’t even care to do), then he comes in and talks to me and he’s fucking great, a+ doctoring, love this guy, sadly, he doesn’t have a private practice, but apparently the nurses get asked if he does all the time. how do i know? my mother asked, bc she liked him. i trusted him. i trust no docs, ever. but this one is good. he says there’s def something wrong, def not just my ed, and orders me an ultrasound for the next morning. good, great, getting this show on the road. he understands my concerns abt my primary doc and offers to explain the results of the ultrasound to my mother via phone mon night. so she calls, he tells her i’ve got ‘sludge and wall thickening’ which are Bad(tm) esp in combination with me not being able to eat anything for over a week and a half.

so, now i’ve got to talk to a surgeon and get my gallbladder removed. as i fucking figured i’d need months ago (during the summer, with my pain and stuff). now this vomiting thing has been happening at least once a semester for abt 2 years now. no one has known what is wrong. ‘it’s acid reflux, take these pills’ ‘these pills don’t work’ ‘welp, idk ^.^’ and so forth for 2. fucking. years. now i’ve got confirmation that my gallbladder is bad. like ‘could explode and kill me’ bad. this is great, i can finally get something done abt this.

except.

except it’s finals week and no only am i running v low on adderall (i just took a pill for the first time since fri morning just a few hours ago) and i’m now fatigued and unable to eat with 4 projects left to do. all of which require a fuckton of concentration. concentration i just don’t have even with the adderall bc i haven’t actually eaten much food lately and can’t fucking think at all. like, every time i eat, it comes right back up.

so, i’ve been sleeping a lot. great, right? except for ya know, all the work i’ve got? nope. i can’t sleep for longer than 4 hours without having night terrors. like BAD ones. i’d tell you abt the one i had when i slept last (from 5:30p to 8:30p) but it would require a whole host of trigger warnings just to give a summary. but it fucked me up badly. and they’ve been getting progressively worse. i dreamed my dog died. i dreamed my apartment was possessed and the demon was trying to kill me. i’ve dreamed of animal abuse and murder and even worse things that leave me fucking shaking when i wake up. but i’m so tired that i keep falling asleep anyway, no matter how scared i am. and i stay asleep, until my alarm goes off, then i shut it off and fall asleep again (into a different night terror). there is no stopping this. my body is dying and it’s telling my brain i’m in danger so my brain is trying to scare me. it’s working. i’m well aware i’m in danger but there’s nothing i can do until my mom sets up a surgeon’s appt for me. i’ve got to remind her to do that tomorrow. i’d do it myself, but i’m far to fucking out of it currently to talk to a medical professional in any capacity.

but throughout all of this, i’m falling further and further behind on my final projects. i’ve got a 10min play analysis due tomorrow at 10:30a (which i’ve got to work on tonight). then i’ve got to finish my stagecraft project (which requires that i go to the shop 3 more times so i’ve got to do that at like 11a tomorrow, then 12p thurs, then like 7p thurs, but i’ve got to find a shop employee to go with me, apparently, and i’d take goldilocks, but she obvs doesn’t want to do it, so i might ask pb or mary, if i have to). then i’ve got to do my monologue assignments for acting i (i’ve got one almost fully memorized, i just need to refresh, but i’ve got to memorize another one, read the play it’s from (i’ve got to buy the ebook), and do an analysis over it before thurs at 10:30a). then my intro to theatre final is due last, but it’s p big and i’ve got to do a lot for it. like 7pg paper plus a ‘previous action’ script (i’ve got to write up a script showing what happened before the play itself starts). i’ve got a SHITTON of work to do and only 9 hours for the sa final, then 24 hrs for the acting i final, then 26 hrs for the itt final, and somehow i’ve got to find at least 3 hours for my sc final. all while trying to get sleep and not eating anything.

plus i’ve still got to do some loan stuff with finaid this week.

i emailed my profs telling them what’s going on, but they’re not going to accept any late finals, so idk why i bothered. (i haven’t heard back bc i just emailed them like, an hour ago and it’s 1a). i CANNOT fuck up this semester bc i won’t get finaid anymore if i do and i can’t drop out. so like, i’ve got to get everything together, but i’m just so fucking sick and everything is overwhelming. i’m going to do my damnedest to get everything done, but idk if i’ll be able to. i rly don’t know.

i’m so fucking stressed over this shit, which is only making my gallbladder issues worse, so it’s a losing battle all around and i’m drowning. honestly, if i had the money, i’d pay for someone to do this for me, but i can’t and i wouldn’t anyway bc like, i’m not putting my name on anything i didn’t do myself out of some bullshit pride thing i’ve got going on. my pride’s gonna get me killed one day, i just know it.

but, tonight, i’m gonna work on my script analysis final and pray to god i can get it done in time. i’ve got like 2 hours left on my adderall, maybe 3 if i push it. i need to make a plan of attack for everything and get to work.

i’m not going to fail this semester if it fucking kills me. and it actually might.