#idk maybe stop saying you have psychosis just because you want to be seen as a character you heavily relate to and thus isolating yourself+

[rabitzzz]

never saying this on main but if you block a fictive for being a " double " youre so weak and dont understand anything

[nathank77]

9/10/24

6:16 p.m

I had a really bad OCD day, I haven't had a bad shower in a long time. There was a spider and it made me back up and my back touched the wall. Its was awful.

It was an actual disaster in the shower. I have gotten really good at not touching the walls, like really good at it and if it wasn't for that damn spider it wouldn't have happened.

The panic attack was real. A dream I have is to have a master bathroom that I only share with my partner. The kids can shower in the bathroom that we don't use and then I can touch the walls.

I think if I didn't find my mother to be so dirty it would be different. I couldn't touch the walls at Colleens bc she was so dirty and smelly. My mother never washes her hands. And she showers like once a week.

I have been experiencing that tightness in my forehead. I experienced it after the shower yesterday and I looked it up, it could be due to the soap or molecules in the water. I don't know if the other times my forehead felt like this was after a shower but it could also be dry skin. IDK I shaved my head again oddly enough, my buzzcut grows back very fast. I shaved my facial hair too bc why not.

My ear symptoms are still the same but I haven't went to the ER. Idk if I will, I might bring it up to my dr Wednesday but they will say contact my ENT or go to the ER. They don't have hearing test equipment. I mean maybe I should bring it up so they look into my ears at least cause they have the scope for that and can tell me if it's red. Maybe they can order an MRI. It would save me time and the potential of getting a cat scan. I don't want to be exposed to more radiation. I have been exposed to cat scans and X-rays seven different times in less than a year. I would really rather do a MRI also they show more information. I did a cat scan, a MRI without contrast and a MRI with contrast.... When if we just did the MRI with contrast it would have told us everything we needed to know and it would have saved my insurance money and saved me from radiation. I would have saved me time and money too.

I am seeing the eye doctor for tepezza very soon.... and they diagnosis TED with MRI and cat scans. I am going to forgo the cat scan bc of radiation so maybe asking for an MRI from my primary doesn't make sense but then again something could be wrong with my ear.... The appt is soon but not soon enough to wait. I could prob be seen by a covering provider Wednesday after my T-shot. I could also go to the ER after I see Mike tomorrow assuming he doesn't stand me up again bc he responded finally.

I sent out a super like. She didn't like me back, she was cute. And she liked psychology and was in grad school. I prob should have wrote a message mentioning my similar interests.

I also looked up speech dichotomy and auditory hallucinations, idk why but my brain keeps telling me to look it up, I didn't dive deep into google scholar but I found an article about basically calling people with auditory hallucinations as a group psychotic doesn't make sense bc there are a ton of heathy voice hearers, we obv have broken neurological abnormalities but I am a healthy voice hearer. I am not delusional and I do not seek treatment. Those are the qualifications. I hope to remove the voice hearer from my description soon. I may attach the article but I am not done reading it. It wasn't really what I was trying to look up. I need to do more research to be honest because I was really trying to find a way to make my brain stop picking up speech and just pick up not real sounds....

Nonetheless you can be a voice hearer and be considered healthy and not psychotic. Researchers believe that psychosis can be independent of having other mental health issues. I do agree with that, I am not psychotic and I agree with my primary care who stated that I wasn't.

I am seeking a new therapist atm cause I NEED more support. I need eye contact with someone who isn't empty inside. My mother is like an empty vessel when I look into her eyes when she's drunk.

I was productive as fuck today. I was super productive. I still got a lot to do. I am very lonely and I wish I could have a party for my T-date. I will be 13 years on testosterone.

I wan to kill myself so Kristen loses her license. I actually want to make sure I win the case even if I never get informed of it. I think about what if I don't? What if I get the letter and it says, "Kristen was deemed negligence and has lost her license." I mean okay I know they are going to punish her. She is going to have to pay some fine at least. That's not enough. I do not want her to lose her house, I don't want her kids to suffer, I don't even really want her to suffer. What do I want? I want her to not be a therapist, a fine is not enough. I want her to continue living her comfortable life but without the title of therapist. I want her to apologize to me. And I want her to have 4 days of what I went through. I want her to hear a voice non-stop for 4 days, only 4 days, I want her to microsleep on night 4 and have the voice stop. And have her sleep go back to normal. I want her to know what I went through but I don't want her to live through it long term bc what I went through is too much to wish on even my worse enemy.

I just want her to know why I want her to lose her license so badly. I still hear my deadname every single day yet I love being Nathan and I cant escape it. I can't escape hearing it. It's not like it's my father and I can cut him off and never talk to him again, I cannot sit in silence. It's fucking depressing. I just want her to experience 4 days of it. That's it, she will give up her license if she experienced just 4 days of it, I am lucky I made it past the bad part.

Will I be lucky enough to hear silence again? idk. I wish I could cry but I can't.

[ardentperfidy]

it’s late and i’m extremely fucking high and i just need to rant for a while about the fucking ✨shakespearean tragedy✨ that is the todoroki family. 

because i feel like as a fandom we’re all doing too much looking for a definitive narrative that says that this one person is the bad guy (whether your choice be dabi or endeavor) and everyone else is a blameless victim and like, No. the exquisite tragedy of it all is how tragic it is for basically every member of the family and how basically everyone’s actions, while ultimately contributing to the horror, were in isolation understandable, if not excusable. (this got so fucking long i put it below a cut you’re welcome to the two people who’ll read this)

like, right off the bat we’ve got endeavor. and, hot take here, i actually think that shouto is not endeavor’s favorite kid - it was always touya. based on what we’ve seen, it looked like touya’s early training wasn’t forced, but born out of a genuine connection between touya and enji, an activity they both enjoyed. and rei commented on how touya’s personality was like enji’s, his stubbornness and his drive. and, of course, touya immediately latches on to the idea of being a hero to surpass all might. and listen, i would sell horikoshi my soul to get the backstory on where enji developed that obsession/goal, but whether it’s something that was imposed on him by someone else he cared about/internalized (like a parent displaced by all might, or a mentor, or idk) or just a goal that turned toxic after years of constantly falling short and feeling like you’re never good enough (like, oikawa @ kageyama but without an iwa-chan to pull him back from the edge), it’s fuckin toxic. but whatever, imagine it’s something you and your kid share, and it’s a bonding activity, and then you learn it’s hurting your kid. this dream you put into his head is causing him serious pain. we can make noise about how touya was like izuku and needed to hear he could be a hero too, but it’s also totally understandable, when your child is in pain, to want to make that pain stop and keep your child from getting hurt. it’s also understandable, but not excusable, to not know how to relate to your child when one of your primary shared values and goals (being a hero, hero training, etc) can’t really serve that purpose anymore. less understandable but still ~maybe understandable to have another kid (listen, my thoughts on this are either 1) the reason enji holds the goal is external, like he feels like it owes it to someone else, and well meaning but bad parents often give their children what they wanted as children, not what their children need, i.e. enji would’ve liked for someone else to shoulder the burden and so that’s what he’s giving touya, or 2) the rationale was that enji was okay with not achieving the goal as long as his family did, so he thought touya would be the same). and then when touya lashes out at shouto, the reactions are, again, not excusable but understandable. from enji’s perspective, his whole mindset and value system has given touya pain, he doesn’t know how to give touya good things, it always seems to hurt him, so he’ll withdraw from touya. keeping shouto isolated and training him so hard feels both like an obviously wrong but at least understandable way to trying to protect shouto from touya while not isolating touya further, but also to me like an exercise in punishment, of shouto as a sort of misdirected scapegoat enji on some level blames for the deterioration of things with touya, and ultimately punishment for himself because he knows he’s really at fault (self punishment because i think the manga shows that endeavor values the idea of family a lot, even if his execution is abysmal, and so the isolation from the rest of the family feels a little bit like self flagellation). understandable for enji to get mad at rei for letting touya wander off and get burned (because he’s like 12 and also seriously injuring himself, this is kind of mothering 101). and when touya “dies””, totally understandable for that to cause a huge rift in enji and rei’s relationship, for them to blame each other. never excusable for that to escalate to violence, but damn did these people need therapy. the monumental grief of feeling responsible for your child’s death??? that’s difficult for even the most emotionally well adjusted people to manage healthily. and like, obviously there were other options, but i’ll go out here and say it is both understandable and totally excusable to have rei institutionalized after she burned shouto. her level of psychosis was a danger to her children and possibly herself. (now in an ideal world the fact that enji was also a danger to the children would have been addressed by institutions but like, we’re talking people and their choices here, not systemic change). but basically, endeavor made a lot of really bad calls but at the time, with the information he had, if we’re compassionate and empathetic about it, all of those decisions are at least understandable on some level

but at the same time, SO ARE A LOT OF TOUYA’S. like, kids want to please their parents. he loved and looked up to his father and he wanted to be like him and do the things his father wanted. understandable goal. and understandable for him to want to continue training after hurting himself too. i’m sure he felt like doing otherwise would be proving he was weak or a disappointment in some way to his father, especially since hero/quirk training seemed to be their thing. understandable that he would feel angry and frustrated when his relationship with his dad suffers, in his mind proving his fears about losing his dad if he can’t be a hero to surpass all might. and totally not excusable but also totally understandable for a confused, rage-filled preteen to lash out at a new sibling who feels like a replacement. and the separation of shouto and enji from the rest of the family served to reinforce that idea too. it’s also understandable to me for touya to have a lot of blame for rei. she doesn’t stick up for touya with enji, or, really, that we’ve seen, make much of an effort to connect with him and give him an alternate outlet for the ambition and drive he had channeled into being a hero. after the fire, we have a lot of missing pieces in terms of how he survived, what happened, etc, but i also think it’s understandable for him to morph his personal anger into an anger at hero society, not least because heroes, for the rest of society, like parents for their children, are held up as paragons. it’s a connection that is wrong for a lot of reasons but feels right, because i think that dabi has the same misunderstanding of both his parents and hero society. for both, his idea is that if they’re not perfect, if they’ve failed in some way, they’re rotten at the core, instead of both heroes and parents just being people who can make mistakes. those mistakes can have horrendous consequences that they should be held accountable for, but that can coexist with a lot of good. 

rei is treated a lot as a totally blameless victim, and while she’s obviously a victim of enji’s abuse, she also made a lot of bad calls that were inexcusable but also understandable. agreeing to a quirk marriage that she wouldn’t be happy in in order to help her family is understandable. she took the same approach as enji in terms of touya’s quirk, and let him set the tone for how to deal with the issue. it’s understandable, because enji was closer to touya and as she pointed out their personalities are similar, but it was also a bad call, and one she held to even when it clearly wasn’t working. my read of the manga is that rei withdrew even further after touya’s “death”, which is again understandable as she was dealing with her grief and the emergence of enji’s abuse, but also meant she failed the rest of her children. 

and shouto, of course, is kind of born into a family and a life that’s already been shaped and then totally wrecked by circumstances beyond his control - first, touya’s quirk hurting his body, and then, touya’s death. and the whole while, he doesn’t even have the knowledge and context to understand why his family is the way that he is. 

basically, everyone in this family makes me Sad, i don’t think any of them are pure evil fundamentally bad, irredeemable people - even though enji abused his wife and kids, even though touya went on to kill people. 

[littleoddwriter]

BoP!Roman Sionis has BPD (in my opinion) | Headcanon

Disclaimer: This is purely a headcanon with some “evidence” from the film. I have been diagnosed with BPD. This is by no means meant to invalidate any other headcanons (like the Bipolar one, which I’ll also mention here). Please don’t come for my ass, thanks!

Personally, I headcanon BoP!Roman Sionis to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For one, I have been diagnosed with it, so I feel more connected to him through that (so, I may be projecting a liiittle bit). But he also shows quite a few signs for it, albeit it probably wasn’t intentional, nor does he have to have a specific disorder assigned to him anyway. Still!

I saw a lot of people assign Bipolar Disorder to him from the day the movie premiered, and while I can’t deny the possibility, nor do I want to take away anyone’s headcanon, one reason why I was always a bit “Hhh, idk” with it is because his mood swings are way too rapid. They happen in such quick succession, whereas Bipolar Disorder is known for- not gradual, but more long-lasting and slower changing moods/mood swings. BPD on that note happens in moments, almost. You can be feeling like you’re on top of the world, a God even, in one  moment, and the very next - usually because of a trigger - you plummet, you feel everything at once, it is overwhelming. Most common are anxiety, guilt, or anger. Rage. Which Roman displays. He is also quick to calm down after an episode and act as if nothing has happened at all, which is also quite common in people with BPD.

It is of course possible that he has Bipolar and BPD. I’ve met some people who suffered from both (and more). It’s possible and quite common, since BPD often comes with other disorders anyway. They don’t cancel each other out. So, if anyone headcanons him with Bipolar, then that’s what he has and you can do whatever you want with that, I support that. I just feel as if sometimes people reached a quick verdict because the mood swings were so potent that they might have immediately connected it to Bipolar, because that’s pretty much all that people usually know about it. Or someone who suffers from it has seen Roman and thought “I see myself in that” and that’s super valid because that’s basically what I’m doing here, too. I still thought I’d bring it to attention, since it almost became Fanon at one point and I just felt as though the more plausible answer has been overlooked all this time, I’m not going to lie.

Onto the signs/”evidence” of Roman suffering from BPD that I found/have personally interpreted that way (again, you can interpret/headcanon whatever you want):

Please note that there are 9 Symptoms of BPD that are used to diagnose people. You have to show at least 5 of them to qualify for a diagnosis. It can’t be diagnosed before the age of 18, and it’s important that the symptoms have been going on for a long time in a certain pattern that aligns with BPD, rather than anything else because most BPD symptoms are ones that show in other disorders as well.

Intense fear of real or imagined abandonment and frantic attempts/efforts to stop said abandonment from happening: Roman is shown to 1) not handle rejection well at all (example: Keo, Dinah’s betrayal - and his reaction), 2) cling onto other people (example: Dinah), 3) need reassurance that he’s not being betrayed/abandoned (example: Dinah), etc. You get the idea. He reacts extremely to these things. Mr Keo rejects him? He gets murdered. Dinah betrays him? He breaks down completely.

Intense mood swings: What I said above - his mood swings are quick and extreme. He’s agitated, even raging, in one moment and in the next he jumps up, is giddy and excited, as though nothing ever happened.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation: Just like moods, and helped by the black/white thinking, opinions of other people can change in a heartbeat. Also characterised by a BPD-exclusive thing, called Splitting. One moment you’ll love someone to the moon and back, then they make one mistake, change their tone, anything, and you hate them, they’re evil, you want them gone. Sounds as unhealthy and exhausting as it is. Again with Dinah - she used to just be a singer in his club, which he was fascinated by. She comforted him. Suddenly, he made her his new driver and his opinion of her didn’t necessarily change, but it intensified, he “loved” her more than anything, or anyone else at that time - idealised her (I’d say that she momentarily was his new Favourite Person (FP, also BPD exclusive), even though Zsasz has been his FP for over a decade by then). Then she betrayed him and while he didn’t want Zsasz to kill her immediately, you could say that he may have wanted to do it himself. He definitely hated her at that point. She was evil, a betrayer. She needed to be gone. 

Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self: Basically, I’d say that his carefully constructed vain facade is part of it. I think he built this flamboyant, outgoing persona to appeal to others and be able to socialise better. He lives off of approval and attention, and the best way to get it is to be loud and eccentric the way we know him in the film. And he is narcissistic to a fault, which you could attribute to BPD as well, but also his lack of a clear sense of self, therefore forcing it by idealising himself almost. Just my thoughts, though. The more valuable evidence for this is Black Mask. Roman has this different persona, both as protection, and as a means to let go, to get away from himself, to be even more cruel, etc. But he doesn’t always make use of it, hell, for all we know, the end of the movie really was the first time (in a long time, perhaps) he’s actually been Black Mask. I believe that he doesn’t really know who he is, or who he wants to be. Black Mask knows it, though, and he is better in ways that Roman can’t push himself to be. At least that’s my take on it. I just feel as if Roman’s very flamboyant and eccentric persona is something he consciously built, that it’s someone he pretends to be, even though deep down he knows he’s not that. Or maybe it’s just a part of him that he amplifies because he doesn’t know what else there is to him, doesn’t see anything else significant to himself. You know?

Impulsive and often dangerous behaviours: Roman abuses substances (he takes drugs, drinks alcohol), especially when he is trying to cope after being rejected (Keo). Other things would only be speculation, so I won’t list them, but it’s safe to say that he does show this symptom.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights): Not much to say to that, if you’re reading this, you have seen the film and know exactly why I say that he clearly shows this symptom.

Paranoia and Dissociation: It’s not an entirely clear thing, but I’d argue that it’s safe to say that he shows clear signs of dissociation and paranoia. [I’d also say he is shown to be psychotic (he’s definitely delusional and has auditory hallucinations, so- psychosis).] For the paranoia, I doubt I have to say a lot about this, but- Black Canary again. “You wouldn’t betray me, would you?” after he’s already been betrayed by Harley and then Erika, who he thought has been laughing at him. He can’t trust anyone. Not even Zsasz, apparently. Because when Victor told him Dinah is a rat, he asked him “Are you sure?”, making it clear that in this very moment, he didn’t trust him either. I feel like he probably doesn’t even trust Victor as blindly as we were made to believe anyway, due to his paranoia. [Now for the psychosis: You can hear too loud and distorted laughter when Keo rejects him, when Erika supposedly laughed at him, and when Victor tells him Dinah is a rat. I’d say that it’s safe to assume that he hears this laughter in his head - auditory hallucinations.] He also dissociates, when he becomes Black Mask, and when he is having an episode because of the diamond being stolen. Only Victor could ground him by intense physical contact and seeking just as intense eye contact. 

As you can see, I can assign 7 of the 9 criteria to Roman (the two that have been left out were self-harming/suicidal behaviour and chronic feelings of emptiness, both of which I can’t determine through what we’ve been shown in the film, so). 

Still, to me, he may as well suffer from both BPD and Bipolar, which would make his psychosis even more likely (psychosis can also be caused by BPD, but actual hallucinations are less common, usually we are more likely to “only” experience delusions).

If anyone’s even read all of this - What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it’s plausible? Did you have a wholly different opinion? I’d love to hear anything people have to say, as long as it is respectful!

[dirkwriteshomestuck]

biggest cartman mistakes

okay so normally i don’t make big serious posts like this but since it's his birthday i think i deserve to go off about this

generally this is in fics, art, roleplaying, whatever you do that requires interpreting cartman in some way that’s not going off of canon

1: giving him empathy and/or sympathy

hey... guess what. cartmans a psychopath. like, he’s clinically a psychopath. and i don’t even think i have to go into that because it’s practically canon, just unspoken

he doesn’t care about other people and he doesn’t feel bad about them. ever. he can pretend and lie about it, and he might be upset if something happened to someone and it negatively affected him directly, but he literally does not care about other people

if i see 1 more post of cartman crying at _’s bedside while they’re in the hospital with no ulterior motives i’m going to kill myself

2: stop focusing on season 1, there’s been 21 more goddamn seasons

so i hate seeing people bring up season 1 cartman. he’s completely different character in season 1 then he is now, and honestly it’s annoying seeing everyone ignore *every other goddamn season* because they want him to still be a soft brat whose problems can all be chocked up to abuse

like at least if you’re only going to go off of season 1 can you say that? instead of pretending that he’s the same

i also hate when people take season 1 cartman and then cherrypick scenes to apply from the later seasons to keep him soft and cute but you know.... also still have later season content because he’s only like thAT FOR ONE FUCKING SEASON

like stop you can’t have the best of both worlds. you can’t only take cartmans cuter or manipulative moments and then say they’re genuine and he still acts like he did in the first season

3: stereotyping and cherry picking

okay so obviously i already said some stuff about cherry picking but there’s still more to be said on that past just the season 1 stuff

so cartmans a really complicated, nuanced, well-written character with SO so many layers? and obviously that’s hard to do. that’s hard to copy. but the solution to that is NOT ignoring half of his character or only picking certain traits that you like more/can do and saying that’s his whole character

and normally this is always made worse because nobody has his fundamentals right

4: he’s a sadist, boys

so like not only is he a psychopath with no empathy that’s completely self-motivated, he’s also literally canonly a sadist

i know so many ppl that shit on and make fun of “big mean asshole over the top sadist cartman” and act like it’s the opposite of soft uwu cartman and that you need something inbetween (and that is true, because you know. he’s not just a basic caricature with 3 character traits) but it’s honestly WAY more ic then the other thing

i think most of the issue with both of those caricatures and how they both mess up is that they’re both strictly like either romance or sexually intended so he’s not a sadist because that’s how he is ic! he’s a sadist because he’s a nazi or bc he’s a top in a ship. which obviously is also shit

5: “he’s older now! he’s better! he’s healed and went to therapy!”

therapy isn’t a cure all of all problems and i’ve literally never seen a good “improved” or “healthier” cartman

ever

literally ever

and again i’d say a lot of this is because no one knows his fundamentals? i think anyone that doesn’t write cartman as a sociopath at least is doing something wrong. or is setting themselves up for failure

cartmans insane. i think that’s the best way to put it and i think that anyone that just like, puts him in therapy and acts like he was just a meanie >:( neurotypical kid with no mental issues or lasting problems (besides the stuff that you like and want him to still have of course! lol!) is just like

idk. i think it’s shitty and obviously erasing or whatever people call it

i guess they’re headcanons technically but they just have so much place in canon that i rarely consider them that

i’d personally diagnose cartman with being a psychopath (obviously) and also some form of psychosis (it’s obviously attached to something bc you can’t just Have psychosis, but i don’t know what it’d be attached to)

i don’t think the psychopathy is talked about pretty much at all but i do know that saying cartman hallucinates has always been pretty controversial

however, most people don’t actually KNOW that much about hallucinations. do you remember the fishsticks episode? or the episode where cartman is deadset on kyle having the picture of him and butters?

those are delusions! and guess what? delusions are fucking hallucinations. and those are just clearcut examples, he’s delusional in pretty much every episode. i think the fishsticks one is the most clear that it’s genuine because he literally stuck with that to his near demise

end

anyways that’s it, thanks for listening to my ted talk. happy birthday eric cartman, maybe next year there’ll be more then like 5 people that can interpret you decently

this is so goddamn messy but yeah share this with anyone whose heard of the name eric cartman before

[ship-obsessions]

The 100 Season 6 Speculations

Okay, so first of all I want to say I’m loving season 6 so far. Give me all of the delinquent interactions. I’m also obsessed with the Bellarke crumbs they are ALREADY GIVING US and how their repressed feelings for each other were shown (although not directly) in 6x02. A while ago I saw on Twitter that a reviewer compared The 100′s 6x02 episode to Motel California in Teen Wolf and now I totally see it. The way the plant toxin affects the delinquents parallels the werewolves being affected by the wolf’s bane... and the focus on the main group of delinquents (specifically Clarke, Bellamy, and Murphy) parallels the focus on the original core 4 in TW (Scott, Stiles, Allison, Lydia). I absolutely LOVED the core 4 dynamic in TW and I’m already loving this trio dynamic between Clarke, Bellamy, and Murphy. Give me more episodes like this! (and maybe add Raven after her and Clarke make up).

That said, I watched the first two episodes when they were leaked, so I’ve been DYING for the next episode 6x03. (Note: I’ve also been streaming them again since they’ve officially aired, so I’ve watched each one like 4 times). Since new content is finally coming next week, I wanted to get out some of my random speculations for what’s coming up later this season even though we literally know so little about this new planet, these new people, the creepy children, etc.. Of course, being curious (like a psychopath), I went through all of the season 6 episodes on IMDb to see what (if anything) it could tell me. I’m sure someone else has probably already done this, but I found some interesting things I needed to put out there...

6x03 

We already have a name “The Children of Gabriel” as well as a description (Clarke tries to win over the leaders of Sanctum in order to let her people stay. Meanwhile, Bellamy, Octavia, and Echo discover a new threat while on a mission to retrieve the transport ship.), so we have somewhat of a gist of what is coming next week. I don’t think they will fully go into the backstory of these “children of Gabriel” but we obviously know the geneticist from the flashback was named Gabriel and the actor, Ian Pala, is only listed for 2 episodes on his personal page and one of those is Sanctum (uncredited). So I’d assume this means we won’t get another flashback of him specifically or the origins of his “children”. But I do think when Clarke meets Russell and the other people somehow this backstory/history (at least a shortened version) will be explained. We know that the episode titles are all explicitly mentioned or referred to in the episodes themselves somewhere, so that’s my reasoning there.

However, I noticed one other small thing in the cast list that stuck out as strange/interesting. Sarah-Jane Redmond’s character (aka the Sanctum hostage that tried to hijack the mothership) is named Taylee in 6x02 but Tilly in 6x03. At first I thought it could have been some kind of error (idk) but it’s listed the same way on her personal IMDb actor page. Is she playing twins?? Is there validity to this clone theory I saw floating around and read about in the Hypable review?? Either way, I’m definitely interested in whatever that’s about. 

Also, I’m excited to meet JR Bourne’s character this episode! We obviously know he is Russell Lightbourne but after all my research (lol I’m taking this WAY more serious than I ever took school), I’m wondering if he’s not just a descendant of the Lightbourne’s but is actually a clone or somehow has the same consciousness from Mr. Lightbourne (Josephine’s dad) in 6x02 (again saw this in the Hypable article around a similar flame storyline theory since Becca created Eligius tech as well). It’s worth noting that we don’t actually know the character’s real name and Sean Maguire is just credited as Mr. Lightbourne -- no first name. Hmmmmm

6x04

Again we have a name “The Face Behind the Glass” and a short description (Clarke embraces the traditions of Sanctum and tries to make amends for her past actions.), but not much else... (or do we??) This episode is probably where we will see Clarke dancing in the room painting and maybe even the lanterns floating in the sky (ie. Sanctum tradition?) -- I’m thinking several “happy” moments with her. I also have a theory -- going out on a limb here -- that it is where we could see the whole “flashback” scene of Clarke in Mount Weather from the trailer. It’s probably not an actual flashback but some kind of hallucination or psychosis thing again, (or maybe even a dream?) but maybe that is where the title comes from -- she’s literally looking at herself from behind the broken glass in MW’s contamination rooms. OR we’re not quite there yet and it’s referring to the stained glass-looking red window/door thing that Emori was trying to open before going crazy in 6x01. 

The kicker for me in this episode’s listing was Jordan Bolger’s credit as Shaw, who we all saw die in 6x01. In what capacity is he coming back? Maybe it’s Raven’s hallucination or even a dream? I could see them showing us her full reaction once she knows what really happened to him, but I’m not sure how or in what way he would come back at some point in the episode (I say “come back” because the actor will actually appear). It will be super interesting how the sci-fi elements work on this new planet. We’ve already seen the eclipse-induced psychosis but what other strange things will occur or happen to our characters? If they are all facing their demons (ie. Clarke with Mount Weather and Octavia with Blodreina) I wonder how those scenes will be played out.

6x05

Again Jordan Bolger is credited... is Miles Ezekiel Shaw back again??? What is going on? 

6x06 - 6x07

I didn’t really notice anything super strange in episode 6, but GUESS WHO IS CREDITED FOR EPISODE 7: none other than Chris Browning as Jake fucking Griffin. Maybe this is another flashback or memory or hallucination -- assuming by Clarke.

Note: Madi is not credited to appear in 6x06 or 6x08 so I’m thinking her “kidnapping” or whatever happens with the creepy person who is holding her captive in the woods happens in 6x07. Or maybe it’s even earlier in 6x05?

6x08

In episode 8, the cast list introduces 2 notable new characters: Josephine VII and Hope. Okay, so with Josephine VII it could be some descendant of the original Josephine Lightbourne in the 6x02 flashback, but it could ALSO be another hint at this clone and/or flame consciousness theory. But Hope... where have we heard that name before? Oh yeah, Diyoza’s unborn child. But Diyoza hasn’t even had her baby yet and in the promo trailers it looked like she was shot (and possibly killed?). Also, this actress who plays Hope is like 6 years old, not a newborn baby. It’s still weird to me though because what are the chances there is another character -- another child, no less -- with that same name Diyoza mentioned she was planning to give her baby. Just seems a little too coincidental to me.

6x09

Okay, I’m going out on a limb here, but THIS MIGHT BE THE ICONIC RAVE SCENE FROM THE TRAILER. Stay with me... I was originally thinking this would happen earlier in the series when I saw this in the trailer, probably like everyone else, but in the IMDb cast list there are 5 “dancers” credited. I mean it is more logical for a rave scene to happen early in the season (because usually all the good things or happy stuff comes in the first half of the season and NEVER this late), but what else would “dancers” be credited for??? The 100 doesn’t do dance numbers LOL. Anyway this idea has me shook because if it is this late in the season, there is a better chance that Bellamy and Echo have ended things by this point and that super short blurry speck in the bottom right corner of the rave dance scene could be Bellamy (you know what I’m talking about). Will they actually make my LIFE and have Bellamy and Clarke dancing at that rave together? Seems way too good to be true, but I had to throw the possibility out there. I mean who knows, my Bellarke-owned ass can always hope for the best. 

After the slim possibility of that amazing possibility, here’s a scary thought to consider (sounds kind of like the show itself), this is the last episode of the season that credits Lola Flanery as Madi... WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO HER. Does whatever experiment being done on her in the promo trailer kill her? Pls don’t hurt Clarke’s smol child.

6x10

So here is where I started low key freaking out because the cast list dwindles DRAMATICALLY for credits this episode. We only have Eliza as Clarke, Shannon as Jordan, and Luisa as Emori out of ALL of the main characters we know and love. Something major has to happen for everyone else to suddenly become absent from this episode. And I’m a little scared to know what that is.

6x11

Okay thank god, the main characters are all back on the credits list for this episode. ALSO there is a new actor credited as young Echo. OMG an Echo flashback?! Will we finally understand who she was and why she is the way she is? Will I even care to get invested in her this late in the game?

Also, IMDb lists that this is the episode Bob Morley directs!

6x12 - 6x13

Our other mains are gone AGAIN from the cast list. It’s back to only listing Clarke and Jordan among the characters we already know. WTF is going on. I need answers NOW. To reiterate, I’m saying that IMDb doesn’t list Abby, Bellamy, Octavia, Raven, Murphy, Echo, Kane, Madi, Miller, or Jackson in episode 10, 12, or 13 (+ Emori in 12 or 13).

I’m honest to god just hoping that IMDb isn’t fully updated with the entire cast list in these last episodes yet -- is that a thing? pls tell me it is -- because if we don’t have a finale that includes Murphy, Raven, or most of all, BELLAMY... I swear to God I will riot. Of course, I’m hoping no one dies (obvi), but now that we know there is a season 7, could J Roth be trying to kill us with some dramatic cliffhanger where Clarke and Jordan are separated from the rest of the group? (PSA: STOP SEPARATING CLARKE FROM EVERYONE). But if so, why would this absence of all of those other characters be TWO WHOLE EPISODES? And during the two part finale of all things. UGHHH my mind is spiraling, someone pls calm me down.

On the plus side, 6x12 lists Antonio Negret as the director for the episode and we all know he brought us the brilliant (yet angsty AF) episode 5x08 last season where Bellamy poisoned Octavia to save Clarke. But if Bellamy isn’t even in this episode WHY SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER CARING.

What’s left that I missed? Probably a lot LOL. I tried going back to watch what I might have missed from the extended trailer but I couldn’t find the video ANYWHERE. It’s like disappeared from YouTube (says it is “unavailable”). What is that about?

Anyways, the scene with everyone together in the house (standing at the bar, shot looking at us) has to be in one of the episodes where all main cast members are credited -- I don’t think it will be the next one so maybe 6x04 or 6x05? Same thought for the Madi/Clarke reunion, I feel like that is in the same episode. I also have no idea when in the season Bellamy is going to strangle Russell with Clarke and Murphy in the room (again my favorite new trio!). And that being said I’m confused on JR Bourne because he was all hyped up as a new character this season but he’s only credited in the next episode 6x03. Does the strangling take place next week? It can’t right? Because Bellamy is off with Echo and Octavia on the other mission and Clarke is the only one in the castle. Also if 6x04 is Clarke trying to embrace the traditions of Sanctum and make amends, there is no way she could do that the episode after Russell (the leader of Sanctum) is killed. 

Sorry for the crazy rambling and this long AF post, but I have so much on my mind after this speculation deep dive. I need to just go to bed.

[bpdconcept]

Hi! I'm a nt singlet trying to learn about neurodivergence (and systems) so I can be a better ally. If you don't mind me asking, what do you think I should know about bpd (and anything else you have, because a lot of people seem to have multiple diagnoses)? Like the basics of what it is, how I can be an ally, and how I can be a good friend if I meet a borderline irl? I hope this wasn't invasive or rude, also feel free to correct my terminology because I'm really new to all this ❤

do my eyes deceive me??? a nice neurotypical in my ask box??? of course i will help u....(besides im bored and have nothing better to do)

firstly, being in a system is neurodivergent. you sort of separated the two, idk if u meant to do that.

i think u what should know is that borderlines are people too. people love to condemn us and say we’re manipulative, abusive. in reality, a lot of borderlines have high empathy for others (to the point where it hurts us if we see someone else in pain). we’re not bad people by default.

even doctors and psychiatrists call us abusive and manipulative. the belief actually comes from them. back when bpd was first coined as a disorder, it was seen as “the borderline between psychosis and non-psychosis” hence the name borderline. doctors back then couldn’t understand why borderlines kept ending up back at hospitals treatment after treatment, how we were so driven by emotion, why regular therapy would not work. they concluded that borderlines were manipulative, sought attention, and were on the borderline of psychosis and non-psychosis, deeming us “hard to deal with.”

ive heard so many stories about borderlines being treated extremely negatively back then, to the point where doctors and psychiatrists would give up on their cases, tell them they were unfixable and manipulative. if they wanted help, they wouldve worked for it by now.

thing is, borderlines don’t respond to cbt/talk therapy. psychiatrists failed to see that we weren’t failing on purpose. their treatment was not up to par. from the cbt i’ve worked with, ive noticed that cbt assumes one has a stable identity and is always aware of themselves. borderlines are not.

dbt was created by marsha linehan. dialectical behavior therapy was made specifically for borderlines. it combines elements of cbt, behavioral science, and zen buddhism. and serious...this stuff is amazing. it works. dbt is split up into four modules: mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation.

mindfulness is the teaching of always constantly checking if youre in the present. it is by far the hardest module to master, but it’s extremely rewarding once you understand it.

interpersonal effectiveness is on interpersonal relationships. y’know, because abandonment.

distress tolerance teaches you what to do in a crisis. and it isn’t cbt crap docs hand you and expect you to master in a day. whereas cbt tells you “just breathe, count to ten” when you’re distressed, distress tolerance teaches you three steps: distract, relax, and cope. distract yourself from the situation, relax using your five senses, and cope with the situation by weighing the pros and cons. i use this nearly everyday.

emotional regulation teaches you to do the opposite of what your negative emotions tell you. it teaches you that you are more than your emotions. while you may not be able to control them, you can certainly stop the snowball effect of emotions that trigger thoughts, which then trigger more complex emotions, and more complex thoughts, and so forth.

being a good borderline ally is simple: dont spread needless hate about our disorder, don’t infiltrate our spaces, and advocate for fair treatment.

if you meet a borderline in real life and you are even just a smidgen nice to them, congratulations: that borderline is your new friend. also in retrospect, don’t be mean to them. they will hate you very much.

if you ever become the fp of a borderline, always try to be there for them when they need you. encourage them to talk to you about their emotions. some borderlines are quiet and won’t talk about their negative emotions, even if it hurts.

also, they are constantly afraid of you abandoning them, it is a constant fear. reassure them as often as you can that you do not have plans to. also, don’t ever tell them they’re a handful, or “a lot,” even in a joking manner. they most likely have heard so many borderlines like them being called “abusive” and will wonder if “they are too,” because of their emotions.

well, that’s what i have to say. i might do another thing like this on systems. maybe. depends.

[closedspeciesdrama]

Re: The Wendigo argument, there's this instability trait which is prevalent on the internet these days. There are a lot of very unstable young men and women who try to give themselves meaning and worth by deeming themselves "gatekeepers" of either political correctness or cultural appropriation. Down to a man the ones I've seen in CS and in other communities are typically insecure to the point of near-mania and with any number of mental issues. Gatorbite and VCR are like poster boys. 1 of 2

- The best way to deal with this sort of nonsense isn’t to argue with them which is ultimately narcissistic supply and a means for them to try and show how morally “superior” they are to their victim, it’s simply best to flat out block them if needed or ignore them. Might seem harsh but I have personal issue with the way they use issues of gender and culture to bully every community they touch and to intimidate younger people with threats of dubbing them “bad people” or public defamation. 2 of 2

(1)Citing “Windigo Psychosis: the anatomy of an emic-etic confusion” an academic journal by a group of anthropologists: “When the windigo phenomenon is considered from the point of view of group sociodynamics rather than from that of individual psychodynamics, the crucial question is not what causes a person to become a cannibalistic maniac, but under what circumstances a Northern Algonkian is likely to be accused of having become a cannibalistic maniac(2)and thus run the risk of being executed as such. It is argued that those so executed were victims of triage homicide or witch hunts, events common in societies under stress.” Hell just that alone should be enough. Algonkians and other natives were straight up murdered over a mythological creature that was used against them. No one besides Algonkians are in any placeto make a CS/adopt design based on something with such a dark historical context.(3)Looking beyond Wikipedia could have easily told you this. Also, no anon, you fucking idiot, the wendigo was a thing before the term “wendigo psychosis” even existed as a culture-bound syndrome. AND IF YOU PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER… usually “culture-bound” syndromes are inherently racist and untrue.

Didn’t vcr-wolfe get called out for something too tho like if you’re gonna be the 1# sjw for everything wouldn’t it be ironic to get a call out for a shitty thing you’ve done

OH MY GOD. that post is LITERALLY a whole fucking year ago. once again vendetta anons pull shit from their ass. that character isnt even a freaking adopt, and vcr doesnt even have a species and has hardly sold maybe 3 adopts in the last 6 months? maybe if yall weren’t reaching so far into the past for some petty bs we could stay on topic for once lmao

Wait is there any proof of them being white?? I’ve I beleive I saw vcr wolfe say they’re native or smth before. But the thunderbird thing is so stupid lmao in the Wild West tm a lot of towns only had like white people because natives were driven out. I mean depending on the characters setting. Plus there’s majority of white people. Thunderbirds aren’t like a wendigo, you can say it’s name and talk about it and it wouldn’t attack just you so I don’t see a problem lmao

I think the issue here is you’re going to have people from a culture saying something is offensive, but someone else from the same culture saying that it’s not offensive and they’re glad you’re taking interest in their culture in the first place. See: Every East Asian mythology based CS out there, basically. Literally there is no right or wrong across the board, nobody “wins”, and that’s just how life is. Grey morality exists, just let people make content they enjoy ffs.

I think the issue here is you’re going to have people from a culture saying something is offensive, but someone else from the same culture saying that it’s not offensive and they’re glad you’re taking interest in their culture in the first place. See: Every East Asian mythology based CS out there, basically. Literally there is no right or wrong across the board, nobody “wins”, and that’s just how life is. Grey morality exists, just let people make content they enjoy ffs.

People act like VCR-WOLFE’s word is law or something. I can see being passionate about causes and all but they take the cake for extremism. People should be allowed to make a character any race to fit their preferences or just their likes, of course within being respectful. I think VCR gets some kind of high and mighty buzz by going after people, especially us evil whites.

multiple poc: hey this is offensive. yall: uhm idk that sounds fake :/. one poc: yeah it’s fake. yall, digging your claws in: YOU SEE? WE WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG! THIS ONE POC HAS VALIDATED OUR RACISM FOREVER! *pterodactyl screech*

Is vcr wolfe a serious account or is it just some random asshole that enjoys stirring up people by being the dictionary image for the social justice warrior stereotype that literally everyone hates. I have seen them be a little weiner before (cue them accusing me of misgendering them), I would take nothing they say seriously because honestly they are a joke.

Why does this Wendigo shit still come up? This is the same as the sombrero Mario crap that blew up on twitter. Quit speaking for other cultures that you don’t belong to. Native American people have expressed both support and distain for the issue. A wendigo is a monster, why is making a monster be a monster suddenly such a taboo? You can white knight the subject to death, you aren’t in the wrong but you’re certainly not in the right either. If you don’t support it then don’t.

context: the wendigo was used as a slur and label for natives/Algonquins who were mentally ill (aka called them canibals; hence “wendigo psychosis”) and was used to justify their genocide so making an adopt out of such a theme isn’t taken lightly as this has a historic context you can’t erase (source: I live in the algonquin northeast) (½)mythical creatures such as vampires and werewolves come from a ton of different cultures and generally they’ve been reinterpreted so often that it doesn’t retain its origin context. here’s another point- the Algonquin people still exist. despite the mythical creature being used against them they are more than in the right to use it how they see fit. it’s sorta like how the lgbt community took back the word “queer” while a straight person should definitely not call a gay person “a queer” (2/2)

Btw the wendigo isn’t a legend ! It’s a tale told up north and is taken very seriously. The reason people don’t want you to use it is because saying the name is suppose to make you a victim ( aa I forgot I’m sorry ) BUT I still beleive if you do your research u should be okay like just don’t make it a xD murderer monster cannibal

The thing with a wendigo character is not everyone is going to see/research the full story of them, because they’ve been big in media for awhile now. Until Dawn, Supernatural, even My Little Pony. And tbh, it’s something that while drifting away from the original intent, does bring traditional stories to the homes of others, who otherwise would never know the term, or know of the monsters. Mass media is keeping our culture alive, even as we kill it ourselves by not letting others near it.

this just in: vcr-wolfe solely dictates what can and cannot be used from cultures in character designs

VCR is mixed actually lol

VCR-wolfe is actually half mexican. So maybe don’t be fucking racist?

Can we stop the “ insulting = I’m right” thing it’s so stupid. If someone’s discussing something or DOESNT KNOW you don’t have to insult them. You look like a jerk js ( this is towards the anon in the wendigo post about wendigo-psychosis). The person was just basically saying ‘fun fact’ no need to call them a fucking idiot jeez

Mixed with what? I’ve seen this argument on another drama site. If they are mixed, they are white enough to pass as entirely white. Even then your word isn’t some divine rule on what is right & wrong. VCR constantly leans on the “I’m mentally ill” schtick, maybe they should focus on themselves for a bit & quit badgering people that want to enjoy another culture. Geez would bringing back segregation make you fuckers happy, let start DNA testing before you can draw or create a non white character.

The anon about wendigo pychosis got their panties in a twist lmao. If we can’t use anything with “” dark historical context" or “ only ____ are allowed to use this” then we all might as well sick to our own religions and make nothing but what we’re born into/practice. So if you’re native and you make a nun rabbit prepare for a ass chewing ! :( keep whining about everything you just sound like a broken record lmao you “” fucking idiot “”

Wait so if vcr-Wolfe isn’t native what say do they got in it then??? If they’re Mexican/white ??? Why don’t they step down and let real native/mixed natives speak for themselves and not have someone gatekeeping their beliefs Jesus lord I LOVE when none natives try to speak for my culture

Multi poc people: this is bad y'all: SEE ITS EVIL Multi poc: its alright do your research tho Y'all: WTF THATS BAD WHAT ABOUT OUR TOKEN FRRIENDS SAYING ITS OKAY AAAA Get your head out your ass dude there’s two sides to the shit just because people back your opinion doesn’t mean you can use your poc friends as a way to wave it around. You’re being just as bad to diss other peoples opinions FROM THE SAME GROUP lmao

i’m ndn, and personally my opinion on the entire thing is, don’t make wendigo characters for profit in general, especially if you’re not ndn. i don’t even like seeing my brothers, sisters, and two-spirited brethren do it. it’s one thing to make one for personal use, and as long as you’re not making them uwu edgy wendigo doggo that eats people uwu then.. honestly? who cares. but stop making wendigos when you know nothing about the culture, or that many tribes have different lore on it.

also the entire thing of wendigo psychosis being a thing: false. that was a term made up waaaaay after the fact. the thing is, there are multiple tribes that believe in wendigo, many have different names for it, and there’s even variations born differently like wechuge. but the fact of the matter is that most people don’t even read in or pay attention beyond the edgy cannibal shit to know that a wendigo is pretty much a skeleton made out of ice in most tribal cultures LMAO not a fucking dog

the entire purpose of people saying ‘hey if you don’t understand it, don’t make it’ is so that you don’t make a mockery of our legends, lore, culture, and history. not so you can’t have fun. it’s like me making a black character and making them stereotypical and completely shitting on it, and then doubling back with the ‘oh i made a black character so i understand black struggles’ shit like. it’s not cute when you do it to any race or culture so stop.

Why is it a crime to make Wendigo characters but when some family lines (before me, I don’t care) wouldn’t approve of the use of nordic mythos no one bats an eye at adopts that play off them, or for that matter, movies and shows that paint them in completely inaccurate ways. You can’t close the mythos of one culture & make it untouchable while saying some are fine to take from, that isn’t how it works. 

VCR is mixed Mexican Navajo and saying a mixed person is basically white is just fucking ugly and racist as shit, holy shit

Nordic myth is white myth and white people are not in any danger of having their culture stamped out and then reinterpreted by their oppressors while they are punished for trying to access it, unlike, you know, Native American myth. Reverse racism isn’t real

‘nordic myth is white myth and–’ it’s still someone’s religion, so yeah actually it still stands, either all religions are sacred inherently and are off limits or none are and you can’t bitch and whine and moan and throw a social justice tantrum into that being untrue, people making shitty wendigo ocs isn’t stamping anyone’s religion out any more than marvel making a shitty version of loki is, they’re equally stupid but harmless 

Except there is a huge fucking difference between open and closed religions? Nordic pagan worship is an open religion. Native folk religions are closed religions. Christianity is an open religion. The Amish are, by and large, a closed sect. Sincerely, an nordic heathen who knows full well what people can take from my belief system

“Werehyenas can’t be made into species and characters because they appropriate African culture uwu~” The hyena and werehyena have a very similar negative connotation in African folklore by you don’t see them getting so butt hurt over them being used. I get so sick and tired of people saying you can’t base a CS or Character off of a fictional monster. I guess I should toss out my Church Grim OC because that’s an insult to English and Scandinavian Folklore as it guards a place considered sacred

literally no one is saying dont ever do it theyre saying be respectful, follow the originating culture’s traditions, and dont slap a native myth on a white character because its disrespectful to the culture you supposedly like so much youre pulling from them. entitled much?

"my friend finds this thing offensive! your friend doesn't find this offensive? stop tokenising your friends, also YOUR friends are WRONG!" so native voices only count when they agree with you? maybe accept that an individual can't speak for an entire group, and that people from within the same culture can have very different ideas about what cultural appropriation even is.

Everyone yelling about wendigos when they're ignoring the fact Sincommonstitches literally made a design based off the imperial rising sun (you know- rape of Nanking?? Children and women slaughtered?) and day of the dead (mexican holiday already shit on for $$$) guardians, sold them for profit, and then bitched in a journal when they got called out how they shouldn't have to deal with this and they need their fiance to handle their pr now lmfao

Keeping all this in one post, anything new sent in will be added to this post. While it is on topic, it is far from species related. 

[southboundhq-a-blog]

 MEET MARGARITA,

FULL NAME › Margarita Celestina Dominguez Espinosa AGE › twenty two GENDER › Cis female (She/Her/Hers) FROM › Tucson, Arizona RESIDENCE › Villas Adobes community (Downtown) OCCUPATION › Waitress at the Turquoise Star Diner NOW PLAYING › Don’t You Forget About Me by Simple Minds

BIOGRAPHY,

trigger warnings: mental illness, depression, psychosis, ableist mentions/language

Margarita Dominguez Espinosa felt like she was the luckiest little girl ever born. Her mother told her that she born out of the strongest love, her parents so happy together and so in sync, that Margarita was a totem of their love—as was her brother, Alejandro. Her parents doted on her like she was a little princess, and in their eyes, she was. Her mother Dorothea said she was born smiling, and if you tried to interject that it wasn’t possible or maybe it was just a reflex, she’d actively shush you, as you weren’t there, you didn’t see it. Anyone who knew the infant Margarita would say the same, and Margarita grew up believing she really did smile from the moment she was born. She grew up smiling at her own reflection, her father told her she looked her prettiest when she was grinning like it could power the sun. 

If a boy pulled on her braids, or another girl made fun of her, Margarita smiled. She would smile any time something hurt or upset her, if she saw something scary on the news or read a sad passage in a book. She smiled because she had been told that when she smiled, nothing bad could happen, and it was something that stuck to her for years. She would bend over backwards to do good things, her little hand was the first to be thrown in the air when a teacher needed a volunteer to pass out tests, she would bring in her neighbor’s groceries and feed their dog when they went on trips to visit family elsewhere. Margarita, or Margie she became to her classmates, was voted Most Helpful three years in a row, because helping others made her feel happy inside. She felt good when others were telling her how good she was. She felt happy when she made others feel happy.

From a young age, Margarita was watched by every adult around her, because Margarita would say yes to anyone. Her need to be liked was nearly pathological and while it made her popular, it could also get her into trouble; if someone asked her nicely, she’d steal a pen off of a desk or a tube of lipstick off of the makeup counter. It also worked in her favor, when she was caught doing something naughty, her teachers or parents or the parents of her friends knew that someone must have put her up to it, as she was too sweet to come up with something so devious on her own. Margarita Dominguez must have been the most blissful, serene child they have ever seen. It was a shame Alejandro was much more moody.

Margarita was eleven years old when her father heard the siren call of Boot Hill; a [something], job offers weren’t scarce, and often [Dad name] would scoff at the idea of leaving Tanque Verde, but the offer that came from Boot Hill burrowed itself into his brain until it was all he could think about. As tempted as he was to accept, he knew better than to make such a big decision for his family without discussing it with them (or at the very least, his wife), so he sat them down and asked how they would feel about a move. Dorothea hemmed and hawed. Alejandro reacted with well-expected teen angst. Margarita smiled, because it didn’t matter if she didn’t want to leave Tucson if it made her father happy. Within weeks, their car was packed up and they were following the directions printed off an email by her father’s employer.

While Tucson was a middling city, Margarita believed it had a small town feel, but she realized that she had no idea what small town meant when they finally rolled into Boot Hill after what felt like days. Alejandro muttered something under his breath, her mother looked vaguely like she was going to cry, and her father was smiling, so she smiled too. It would be a new adventure, her father had promised, and she didn’t realize before that adventures weren’t always fun or even interesting, sometimes adventures were downright bad. Or just... overwhelmingly normal. From the outside, Boot Hill looked like every little town they showed on teen dramas or family dramas that her parents would call pretentious.

Everyone at her old middle school already knew her, they knew she acted as if her blood consisted of pure sunlight, they knew Margie Dominguez would do anything you asked of her. At this new school, this new town, Margarita Dominguez Espinosa was a blank slate. She could walk into its halls and be a brand new person, no one here knew that Margie cut Josie Weaver’s hair because Desiree Hernandez told her to or that Margie once pulled the fire alarm during an assembly because some boy two grades above her said it would be so cool if she did, but immediately, Margarita fell back into old habits. Margarita, above all, was herself, and who she was was a people-pleaser. Her heart would soar when she was told she did a good job. Her mind would nearly black out if someone called her their friend.

Almost immediately, Margarita gained the reputation of sweetest girl in class, and eventually the school. She became protected by her girls, anyone caught teasing her would get shit for trying to tear down a girl that only ever wanted to help people. She was so liked, so high in the clouds, Margarita thought nothing bad could ever touch her, nothing bad could even attempt to do it. And she rarely ever stopped smiling.

She was fifteen when Margarita realized bad things can happen to anyone, even nice girls who just want to do good things. Everything seemed to crash then. Her father, a quickly respected [job name], was sued by a customer/patient idk yet. Her brother became more incorrigible, blooming into something more than just the regular allotted teenage mood swings. Her mother seemed to be growing more wild in the eyes, growing more caged by boredom in a town that she never seemed to be able to get away from, even if she tried. Things seemed to be getting worse by the minute, but no one around her seemed to notice. No one ever seemed to notice anything in Boot Hill.

Margaritia, despite the slow decay of her family—her father spent more time at work than at home, her mother spent more time sitting on the couch staring into nothingness, her brother more sullen and sometimes explosive with each passing day—she maintained her status as the nice one out of the popular kids. Sleepovers at her best friend’s house turned into parties at a cute boy’s house, drinking after (and during) a football game became the norm, Sunday mornings were spent having breakfast at May’s after staying up all night instead of sleeping in or going to church. She spent so much time hanging out with friends, she rarely had time to be at home and watch the decay, sometimes even unaware of how bad it got, sometimes deliberately staying at a friend’s all weekend just so she wouldn’t have to watch her mother regret moving to Boot Hill.

She loved her family. She loves her family, very deeply, but being around them was starting to hurt her cheeks from all the smiling, all the salving over the tension and the depression and acting like nothing is wrong. Somehow, high school relationships were easier to navigate, and Margie never feared she peaked in high school, she already knew she did. With her family becoming more and more fractured, separated by walls and closed doors, she had to wonder why she was the only one pretending nothing was wrong, the only one trying to make their house into a home again. She never asked, only because she was afraid of the answer.

High school eventually ends and as her graduation quickly approached, Margarita realized the extent of what was kept behind closed doors, namely Alejandro’s. Her mother in bed, her father gone at work, Margarita was reading at her desk when she heard something rustling in the room next door, Ale’s room. He called for their mother, but Margie was the one to answer, opening her door slightly ajar to see him frantically searching around his room. Bugs, he said. He kept seeing bugs in his room and implored her to enter, confirm his suspicions, and there was no smile on her face when she told him she couldn’t see anything. Quickly she jostled her mother awake and stood on the sidelines, watching as Dorothea tried to calm Alejandro down, only for him to be more convinced, only for him to escalate, to beg them to see what only he saw, doubted that they didn’t. By the time he claimed the bugs were inside his skin, Margie had already dialed 911.

A few days without her brother mumbling something behind a closed door, Margarita was still deeply shaken when he came back from the hospital, seemingly fine. He was okay now, her mother told her, but Margarita had a fear in her stomach that she never had before. There was an anxiety now, the way her heart dropped every time she heard her brother moving about hurriedly in his room, afraid she’d have to relive the scariest night of her life, only for the noise to quiet down and the night to continue smoothly. Now, Margarita rarely came home if she could avoid it, overstaying her welcome at friend’s houses and passing out at parties only so she wouldn’t have to go home to sleep it off. She got a job, waiting tables at the Turquoise Star, picking up any shift available and covering for anyone who needed it, even at her inconvenience.

Everything ends, even high school. Margarita tried to be ecstatic that she graduated, and while she was happy, that night (and the few subsequent bad nights that occurred every few months, with her there or not) had brought a heaviness to Margarita that everyone noticed. She still smiled, she still did whatever was asked of her, but there was less gusto with which she did these things. Her people-pleasing manifested in bumming smokes off of older men for her and her not-yet-eighteen-years-old friends instead of helping old ladies cross the street or donating to the annual food drive at the local church. While a younger Margie had dreamt of going to college, doing whatever society expected of her, the gulf between high school and college seemed to grow longer until she was longer thinking about it.

Twenty two now, Margarita has found a groove in her work at the diner and made attempts to get back into charity, the thing she loved so much as a child. It’s taken progress. She still lives at home, still fearing her brother as his illness deepens and ignoring her mother’s, still ignoring the fact that her father would rather sleep in his office than at home, but things are getting easier now that she’s saving up to get an apartment. Things are getting easier now that she’s growing up.

Maybe one day she’ll even make it out of Boot Hill. She smiles thinking about it. I don’t love this ending line but i’m tired and i’ll fix it laterssssssss

❝ girl as a honeycomb—sickly sweet, riddled with empty spaces. ❞

CENSUS,

FACECLAIM › Georgie Flores WRITER › Admin Rachel

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

part 2 poetic waxing

i keep getting really mad at my ex the second i realize i was thinking something thats not real

because to the best of my knowledge she read this blog and heard me talk about my expiriences for so long and then she,,,,completely misunderstood them and tried to replicate them in a way that doesnt. make sense. and isnt what this is. and im still hoenstly really offended by that because wow. and i just wanna say like. especially since this blog is pretty much entirely Unseen now

like

im still terrified to recognize myself as psychotic

i dont want to be psychotic

im afraid to talk about it with my doctor or even touch on the symptoms and eps of it and im terrified to get put on pills for it and its a shit show

i think with the people im closest to i try to normalize the idea of being that way with myself

and i pretend the idea of being psychotic doesnt terrify me and say it freely because its not going away and im scared and i need to learn to not be so scared if im going to deal with it in any capacity i need to be able to recognize it

it was a long process.

i didnt start being that way overnight and i didnt recognize it until way after it started

and its not just 1 thing

to me the embodiment of it and the whole problem is that youre just constantly trying to figure out whats real and whats going on like your being hit on all sides

id describe my perception of and ability to perceive reality as a wall thats always being eroded down but can also have parts break off or have holes blown in it at any second...and im constantly trying to build the wall back up and reinforce it and repair it. but i usually dont have a fully formed wall and even if i got there id only be able to maintain it for so long until half of it got blown up again. etc etc wall metaphor if i leave it itll just fuckin collapse entirely

but yeah yknow like.

a delusion isnt just ‘when you think something that isn’t real.’

and like not to dip a bit too much into tumblr vocab and context or whatever but like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the way Neurotypicals take symptom descriptions at total face value is...tiring. idk how else to describe it. theres so much context missing.

these symptoms for me started up when i was a kid and got worse.

it was because i have so much family history with this shit that i finally noticed it and compared and recognized the beginning to get worse problem

because ive seen it in my brother and my uncle and my grandma and my family for years and i know it up close and personally

i dont just have some kind of kooky thoughts that i recognize arent real while im having them. my ability to do that at all came with practice and time and repitition.

i dont know when im not dreaming.i see and feel things that arent there.

i think thoughts that i cant recognize as mine and are usually a bunch of nonsense word salad shit.

i have real prolonged trouble recognizing myself as a human being thats physical and has human limits.

i have toruble percieving the present. i have trouble remembering the past.

i constantly really for real feel like ive seen this before.

every time i have deja vu i like have a whoel fuckign Moment lmao

i assume people think the worst of me and want to hurt me.

i assume the end of the world is happening out of nowhere and i really think its happening.

i think God is trying to punish me.

I think spirits are coming after me.

I really believe it.

I spend my day crying and panicking and hiding from shit that isnt real.

i convince myself my whole life is some kind of divine punishment.

its on top of that and

its after years of that

and years of seeing family members older than me and farther into it than me degrading at the same time

that i think some dumb shit and immediately catch myself

or that i think im getting psychic messages and can immediately be like ‘ok calm down’

its because im trying to convince myself im NOT like a psychic prophet and ive been able to recognize it before that i can see a message for what it is and recognize what im doing

its bc ive corroborated the expirience with my brother after doing it for years and years already

i didnt wake up one day and start thinking i was a prophet but also recognizing thats crazy yknow

i thought i was a prophet and then as i grew up i started realizing that it was crazy because i found resources and saw what my family was going through and got so sick of the worst parts and thought something had to be wrong with that picture

and even then the messages arent a delusion

having dejavu and being suspicious of it isnt a delusion

wishing something was true isnt a delusion

believing in gods and spirits and weird reincarnation stuff isnt a delusion

they’re parts of a whole and thats only a few of the parts

like an example of levels

really liking a celebrity isnt psychotic

wishing you were married isnt psychoticdaydreaming about being married to them isnt psychotic

imagining they’re talking to you or they’re addressing something in an interview to you isn’t psychotic, in and of itself (imagining the message but also kind of beliving it also isn’t )

actually beliving they’re addressing you in an interview or something isn’t a delusion, and though its like Psychotically-associated isnt An Automatic Sticker Of Psychosis slapped on your forehead

forgetting you aren’t acutally married sometimes isn’t a delusion.actually beliving you’re married to them is a delusion.

you won’t be able to recognize it as that until later.

the other behaviors, for you, since youre having a delusion, will come off of that.

someone non-delusional who really loved to dream about it might convince themselves into some magical thinking about the celebrity.

for you though, its because you’re married. you’re literally actually married so of course they’re leaving little hints for you! you never get to see each other!

you rationalize it.

because you believe it and having someone put a crack in things you believe in is scary for anyone.

i mean especially wow if someone told you were werent actually married to your spouse and didn’t even know them? they didn’t even know youre name or that you existed? that would be horrifying. of course youd come up with rationalizations.

and that delusion probably started because you really liked them and because you were lonely. but also because youve been having some issues and either are psychotic, were developing psychotic symptoms, or like Had The Propensity To Be Psychotic in general yknow like. the seeds were there or you were already living life as a psychotic tree and this was just a new branch.

after a while they might start to get it.

they might start poking holes in there own reasoning and being brave enough to follow that path.

and hopefully from there theyll get to the still-beleving-it-but-also-recognizing-its-’fake’ stage.

there are a lot of reasons i dont want to be psychotic.

no one should want to be.

anyone who says they want to be is either someone who’s a disgusting creep thinking other peoples crisises are some hot edgy mysterious shit OR theyre a psychotic person trying to humor themselves and be okay with themselves.

and you should be ok with yourself but that shouldnt replace wanting to improve and manage that really scary world-ending parts of shit.thats a whole other topic though

like

i dont want to be psychotic because im terrified of slowly loosing my mind. thats a freaky prospect that no one should really want. i only want that when im suicidal and wish i just didnt have a mind to think with at all kind of shit.

i dont want to be psychotic because i dont want to keep having these episodes and seeing this shit and thinking this shit. a lot of it is absolutely terrifying. other things are less active but like...i wish i could trust anyone ever. i wish i could trust my own judgement. i wish i didn’t get obsessive and weird about contamination and not be able to eat food or need to contain myself from freaking out if certain people touch me. that shit isnt cowering from God under a desk but its annoying and i don’t want to be doing it. i wish i could stop doing it.

i don’t want to be psychotic because once youve had it confirmed that you believe things that arent real that makes it just that much harder to trust literally anything you think.i have to check everything with people because what if im wrong or assuming or jsut being crazy or i thought something up that isnt true.and we all seem to have an amazing knack for like doign that whenever we were actually with reality, and forgetting to do it when we do actually have something a little confused lol. maybe thats subconscious.

i dont wanna be psychotic because i want some things to be true!! you know!! and learnign they arent is, again, confusing and really scary. no matter what it is. but if its something that you like or that brings you some kinda positive shit then thats even worse to have taken away and have be a lie. and even worse a Crazy Lie.

i don’t know how much of my religious views to trust and thinking that anything i believe in or think is up for questioning brings up a whole lot of good things that i dont want to be up for questioning.part of the reason im scared to go on meds is because im really worried some good things will turn out fake and go away.

im worried about what all could just like...dissappear. what if the whole world changed. what if im wrong about more than i thought or something that id never even considered.

like.....im out of steam now but.

yeah. idk