#idk man i wanted to be friends and I'd been led to believe you gave a damn or sth

[aktinopterygia]

/

[luckyspacerabbit]

would you ever share the background you created for kai leng? i'd be so interested in hearing it!

Hehe, yes! Thank you for waiting anon. I wanted to really think this through and make sure I was working with all the possible details of his character.

Okay, so my goal with fleshing out Kai was not to excuse him as a villain or to necessarily redeem him, but to humanize him and hopefully incur sympathy because I find his depiction as a mysterious lackey boogeyman to be 🙄 one dimensional and playing on racist tropes like the yellow peril ✨ (also bioware making him predominantly chinese + a lil russian. extrapolate what u will lol)

So here is my background for Kai :) Lots of childhood headcanoning and then some general talk about his character/why I chose certain elements as I did (such as dumping that dumb phantom blade for butterfly swords AEORHIG)

Childhood: According to the wiki, Kai is Earthborn, and from his general heritage we can assume that he grew up in Northern China (omg that's where my ancestors are from). The most populous city there is Beijing, which, if there was a spaceport or alliance recruitment anywhere, it would be there.

I headcanon that he was born to a bit of an unsteady family, where it was likely there was estrangement and unsafe conditions between the mother and father that may have created a sense of helplessness and neglect from a young age.

In my canon, Dan Hyun's mom, Hannah Shepard was the head of an agricultural research facility on Trident, and was an old friend of Kai's mom (From University, possibly).

As conditions worsened throughout Kai's childhood, his mom decided to take a chance and flee with Kai (age 10 at the time) to Hannah Shepard's science facility on Trident (Sentinel Agricultural Research Facility), where she and Kai would stay for about two years as his mom worked to save enough money for their own place .

Since Dan Hyun was already being homeschooled, it was easy enough for Kai to join up alongside her.

Dan Hyun (12 at the time) was extremely happy to have a friend since life on the facility could be really lonely-- but with all these changes Kai was having a difficult time adjusting, especially when Dan Hyun felt put off by his competitive attitude. After so long feeling neglected and growing in a tumultuous home environment, he craved external validation: homeschool provided an avenue for that. They developed their own academic-based competitive rivalry that counted towards friendship, but grew distant when he moved out with his mom about two years later.

When Dan Hyun was 18 (Kai at 16), she managed to apply to an Alliance Research Training program and receive admission-- something that was considered highly prestigious, despite her parents' reluctance. Kai had already begun to build resentment towards her due to the way her parents treated her (very preciously, sheltered, and without exposing her to the difficult parts of life) in contrast with what he lacked in family and world kindness, creating a drive to supersede her and compete with her once again, if only to have tangible proof that just because he began in a lower place didn't mean he couldn't surpass the vision of success.

After this event, they would strike up a still somewhat friendly rivalry again that continued until Kai enlisted in the Alliance at the age of 18 (his attempts to join directly at 16 failed in my canon lol, but he sure tried )

Alliance Service:

Kai took the combat-driven route while Dan Hyun was receiving training for her eventual research establishment in Akuze, meaning that in their line of work, they never crossed paths-- Though they maintained occasional communication and met up here and there whenever Kai was back from his tours.

This is where I believe his decline truly began.

Some habits, like his desire for tangible proof of success and seeking external validation, manifested more heavily in this time. Collecting badges off of dead soldiers (To remember his skill first hand) is a notable one, but I speculate he relied heavily on the word of his commanding officers to counter his self-esteem. Titles were incredibly important because they were proof. When he began to feel a loss of control which led to emotional outbursts and breakdowns, he would fall back on these bits of evidence that he had done something, anything.

The weight and violence of service combined to break away his mental strength and conditioned him to that of a soldier.

Famously, he was discharged in 2186 after his N7 designation. In a bar fight on shore leave, he murdered a Krogan (OKAY. Listen. The wiki says "first-degree murder" but first degree requires premeditation and bar fight implies heat of the moment. So IDK I think the details around this one are a little fishy. He was on leave but he was a soldier, so ? he probably just had a weapon on him? Okay, I'm not excusing him but premeditation is a bit different from manslaughter so just something I've pondered. It separates intentional killers from accidental murders).

At this point, he is formally incarcerated and set to serve a twenty-year sentence.

Cerberus Contact:

The year is 2177, and Kai has lost everything he's ever worked for. His prestige is gone, he is at the worst place he has ever been, his mom won't talk to him, and he has no one. He had even stopped hearing from Dan Hyun, the only person he could have considered a friend once.

Through a small TV in the prison, he is able to hear about the attack on Akuze, and its one survivor: Alliance Scientist Dan Hyun Shepard. In the attack her biotic abilities (Which she had kept secret for many years) were revealed, prompting immediate recruitment into the N7 Program and a contract for ten years of service. This drove Kai into rock bottom-- while he had nothing, Dan Hyun was steadily on track to uprooting the only thing he had ever felt like he had accomplished.

This is when Cerberus intervened, promising him a home, freedom, belonging, and success.

So of course Kai agreed. Why wouldn't he? He had nothing left in his miserable life and there would never again be a place for him.

Cerberus Intervention:

It's my belief that Kai wasn't necessarily "alienphobic" in the beginning. Instead, I think The Illusive Man saw a very clear opportunity to recruit and nurture a broken man into a pawn of service. TIM is incredibly smart-- everyone who works for Cerberus is. He knew what Kai needed was validation, the promise of success held directly on the tip of his tongue to drive him into tenacity and action.

Organizations like Cerberus, even in real life, prey on people at weak points, fulfill their needs and drape their ideology on top like icing on a cake. That's not to say that Kai is completely innocent-- he ate the sweets and readily threw the world to the side in order to attain more-- but it does give some perspective.

Kai in Cerberus:

In ME2 we know there is some apprehension on Kai's part about the role Shepard will play. He is already starting to feel slighted from failures with Rasa and takes even the possibility of rejection from TIM extremely hard and with violent emotional outburst. This evidences how much TIM has whittled him away over the decade of service. Kai feels as though he owes everything to TIM, that TIM saw something in him-- failing him is disproving that and accepting what Kai has feared all along: that he truly is a worthless and incapable person.

Kai and Shepard:

Kai is best known for his direct antagonism towards Shepard in the events of ME3, directly killing their allies and potential love interests in a way that is extremely personal. Yes, it is part of the job, but at the same time, it's clear Shepard gets under his skin. It's because in the end, after all that setup, Shepard is the one person who can take it all away from him.

They can replace him as TIM's prodigy/ They can bring an end to the organization that gave him everything (From his cybernetic enhancements (uh indoctrination cough couch) ) to his purpose in life. Kai threw it all in with them because he didn't see another choice.

My Canon: The End

So how do things end for Kai in my canon?

As you're aware, you can unalive him, violently. But Dan Hyun is very emotional and due to their shared childhood, I like to believe that there was still a grand feeling of kinship between them, a recognition of the other due to shared insecurities. I don't think there was ever a time Dan Hyun looked at Kai and saw anything other than her slighted friend (which is very romanticized, but SHE is very romanticized), it was just about getting Kai to see that too.

She locked him down the best she could, yelled, cried, and beat the shit out of him, but ultimately, preserved his life. After the crucible had been fired and Thane (alive ofc) attended to, she sought to right things between her and Kai: whatever form that takes. Who knows if he'll ever be able to live comfortably in society again-- but at least here, he has the chance.

Random Tidbits:

Some notes! At his best, I like that Kai is portrayed as Loyal, Hard Working, Methodical, Clever, Tenacious, and Factual. I think sometimes he can be written off unfairly as wimpy or scared, but in truth, he's very sure of his abilities and able to calculate his chances extremely well. He's smarter than fandom gives him credit for.

He has an interesting conflict between arrogance based on title and humbleness. He knows he wants to be the best but he never airs it-- like when Rasa suggests that he wants to be the leader for Humanity but he grows quiet and says to just focus on where things are at right now.

His time as a soldier absolutely affected him in ways I think sharpened him to the killer he became. It instilled values that remained with him in Cerberus, such as when he berates Bates for abandoning his squad and calls him a traitor. Kai doesn't betray-- he's quite literally ride or die.

Also? The ninja sword is super dumb because Kai is Chinese and the swords and Phantom's themselves are designed to appear Japanese in aesthetic. Ninjas= Japanese, but China did have their own sect of Assassins which I believe gave birth to Wu Ching as a type of Martial Arts? Or was drawn from it hmm

To keep to accuracy, Kai would have trained more towards their martial art techniques which focuses on close combat and quick movements, as well as the use of dual blades called butterfly swords (You'd likely recognize them as a set of rogue daggers).

That's all for that meta! Phew. If anyone actually read to the end, hey wassup, hope you enjoyed, and take most of this with a grain of salt since it's my headcanons and background work :) Thank you again for reading!

[sporadic-writer]

Welcome to the neighborhood

Warnings: swearing, mentions of drugs (just weed, I smoke responsibly sorry if reading about it bothers you), as always stop reading if you don't like it.

Note: idk which twin has the girlfriend, Sam or Harry. So let me know. Also, let me know who you guys want this to be about (Tom or Harrison). Another thing is that I wrote this before my country fully flushed itself down the shitter in chaos and injustice. So let’s all read this to escape a tad and for some metal rest. BLM!

The teaser I wrote to start is here

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"Yeah mom.. no I'm fine! Really! Haha promise! They tested me and told me since it's negative then they will add me into the adjusted hours group. They said I can get at least 2 full days a week in rotating with the other keepers. I just gotta fill some paperwork out first." You walked around your back deck and tended to plants while speaking on the phone to your mom back home in Iowa.

"Y/N are you sure? You being in another country during all this makes me so nervous. It's so easy to get sick sometimes." You rolled your eyes at the dramatics.

"I'm set here! I still have a job, a place to live thanks to Renee's husband, and no coronavirus. I'd say I'm alright." Talking to your mom despite her worries did put s smile on your face. The sun was shining and the air was finally not cold as hell in England. You finally felt settled now that you had more time to move into your new home. Your mother kept talking and soon got called that dinner was ready. "Ok mom love you too. Tell dad I said hi!"

After hanging up you looked for the head you noticed peaking at you earlier while you talked. There was nothing, but you did hear the guys who lived next door talking about your cousin's husband as 'old pool guy' and wanting to use the hot tub. It made you laugh and you made a mental note to find them later and invite them since they wanted to hang out so badly.

You didn't know much about them other than it was just guys. They all seemed to know each other for a while and at least 2 of them were brothers. That is all you gathered from some occasional eavesdropping. Downside of social distancing starting right after moving into the cute little place given as a congrats at your first real job. You never saw everyone's faces to distinguish each guy. Your cousin’s husband had the place outside London and never really lived there anymore, and rather than sell it he gave it to you. Easier than finding a shitty apartment with way too high rent. Plus, Renee would not let you say no. So you didn't. Thanks Xander!

After finishing checking the water level on the pool and tub to round out the to do list, you were about to go inside to finish new employment paperwork when a soccer ball got sent over into your yard. It came from the boy's yard. No time like the present to break the ice you thought as walked to get said ball.

Smiling and laughing to yourself you heard exclamations happening among the group of men. You popped your head up by standing on your deck railing and they looked to you. They apologized over nothing and you thought it was sweet. Plus, it was nice to actually get a proper look at their faces. You still didn't really know their names, but at least now they were coming over around 8 for hot tub time and drinks.

TIME SKIP

"Thanks for letting us come over! Though, sorry for talking about your family and place without even properly meeting you." The man speaking, Tom as you learned, smiled as you handed him a drink.

You shook your head in protest. "Really it's fine. This is my cousin Xander's place. I just got a job at the London zoo and this was a congrats gift. Sorta to take out the struggle of finding a shitty apartment. Plus, I've been busy over there so that's why you have not seen me much. Still working out my schedule, plus a virus." While talking you lifted the cover off the hot tub. "Now, I believe there was a purpose to this visit?"

"Despite my brother's lack of tact before, that wasn't why we actually wanted to hang out with you. We wanted to meet you as well." Tom's smile made you do the same in return. You looked to the guys on your deck and chuckled.

"Then why did you come in swim trunks if that wasn't the objective?" You caught them and knew it based off the blush on Harry's face. "I'm teasing. It's totally fine. You guys get comfy, jet buttons are on the side, I'm gonna change and grab some more beers and such." You let them be as you changed into your suit in your room. You made sure you were all set and presentable. It was quick and you put your hair in a pony tail while walking to your fridge. Grabbing some bottles you made your way back to the group.

Passing them around you spoke, "Sorry if these suck. I'm still figuring out which beers here I like. I had American ones but finished those. So I don't know fully what does and doesn't suck."

They took their bottles and Tuwaine smiled at you. "There are English equivalents I can tell you. Now I gotta ask, and don't take offense. But why does it smell like perfume and weed out here Y/N?"

"Yeah I smelled that too! Thought it was the chemicals from the tub or something.." The man learned to be Harrison looked at the hot tub he sat in in reference. You blushed at being caught. Eyes went wide slightly as well. Then you mentally scolded yourself after turning and seeing your ash tray and formally lit joint on the deck table.

"Haha yeah you caught me. The perfume is Chanel, put that on before you came, and the pot is well.. pot! Smoked that before you came... Y'all aren't narcs are you? If you're chill I'll share." You didn't need things to go sour first time hanging out with neighbors. You needed friends your age here outside of work!

Tom laughed and smiled. "Relax darling, it's fine." He watched you let out a breath of relief. None of them were ones to judge someone on what they do casually in their free time. "Maybe another time on the sharing though, I'm set. Just tell us about yourself."

"Well offer stands and I will finish that in a bit full disclosure. But me, 22, recently employed keeper at the London zoo, umm I'm from Boise, Idaho, mom and dad are back there, very easy going, and a big fan of nature and having fun! I got my degree from University of Wisconsin and this is my first time being overseas, only been to Canada in regards to international travel. Any specific questions?" They all took in your short backstory as you climbed in with them in the tub; instantly relaxing in the hot water, eyes closing as you drank your beer. Harrison was quickly taking in the details of your face. A few ear piercings, long eyelashes coated in pretty mascara, nice jewelry on too. He got the sense you were chill and put together. Plus, you seemed to know how to have a good time regardless of the situation.

"Boyfriend?" Harry's question led to a glare from his brother and a small smile from you.

You shook your head no. "Nope, we ended things a little before I moved here. Mutual thing, he is working on his masters back home. Even if I stayed that would've ended things because it becomes your whole world really."

"You have your masters?" Tom noticed you shaking your head no and listened as you explained you took a job here instead.

"I need money more than another degree. So I'm here kickin' it in a hot tub with 5 fun Brits instead!" Your smile was contagious to the guys. Soon more drinks were had and stories were shared. They all really took a liking to you. “Now tell me about yourselves!”

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I am gonna make this a series, length not decided. And for real let me know to have the main love interest be Tom or Harrison. I don’t care either way. 

As always, like and reblog! Feedback is appreciated as well!

Taglist: (message me to be added or removed, sorry if I forgot someone)

@jillanaholland @averyfosterthoughts

[kagomechronicles]

Are you taking scenarios? If so, I'd like a Levi/Kagome scenario where Levi is forced to come to terms with how much he cares for her. But with a TWIST! Could you also make it somewhat tragic and grim (without either of them dying)? Idk if this makes sense, but think of a super twisted situation to place them in. And make it clear that Levi has fallen in love with her. Thank you ~ I love your writing!

Oh my… Oh oh my… This is something…. I’ll do my best!For some background, Kagome will be a member of Levi’s Squad, and this takes place before Annie is discovered to be the Female Titan. (This could be a weird spin off of my fic Where I Belong) 

Also, I didn’t edit this at all. (WARNING: THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME)

“Oi! Where the hell is she?” Levi’s dark and threatening voice startled the two lower-ranked scouts that guarded the dungeon area.

“C-Captain!” They both turned to salute him, trembling and nervous as he closed the distance, “I- uh… We’re under strict orders not to divulge any information to anyone, including you.”

Levi leaned in close, eyes narrowing in on both soldiers, “Is that so? Well, it’s quite unfortunate for you that I don’t seem to give a damn about your orders. Tell me where she is or I will kick the answers out of both of you. Your pick.”

Both of them visibly gulped before pointing down the hall. “Last cell on the right.” One piped up after a few seconds.

The captain sped in that direction, though not before turning back and telling those poor men to get the fuck out of here, to which they immediately obliged. He was annoyed. No, he was absolutely furious about what he had heard. He had seen that everyone was going insane trying to figure out the identity of the Female Titan and possible allies, like some sort of sick obsession that clouded their minds, but he never expected that this would happen. His burning rage was practically boiling his blood and he was sure his skin would be hot to the touch right about now. 

Though, nothing would have prepared him for what he’d see when he walked into that cell.

Kagome Higurashi stood there, shoulders hunched over like she was about to fall, but her wrists were chained above her head to keep her up. There was a blindfold that covered her eyes as if to keep her even further in the dark about her own detainment, like the shadowy darkness in the cell wasn’t enough. 

But more than that, as he looked down at her clothes, a typical white button up and tan pants, he noticed that they were all torn and stained with a brown-crimson, which he could only assume was dried up blood. Her dried up blood. Levi swallowed harshly at that realization. And, with further examination, he realized that the same colors seemed to be painted on bits of her skin as well, especially on her limp hands.

“Please…” Her voice squeaked out like it was taking all of her energy, “No more. I swear, I don’t know anything…”

He walked closer to her. When her mouth was closed, she looked like she was practically dead. He would have assumed that if he hadn’t detected the faintest rise and fall of her chest.

“I can’t take it anymore.” She whispered again. 

And neither could he. He couldn’t stand that, right now, she thought he was going to hurt her. Of course, she couldn’t see who he was, but hearing her beg him like that still made him feel like a monster. And he was no stranger to human torture. He had numbed himself to it because it was a necessity in some cases. But when the pleads came from her dried and tired lips, his stomach dropped and he felt absolutely sick. 

With one quick movement, he ripped her blindfold off of her and watched as she blinked her eyes in astonishment, her vision adjusting as she looked around the cell before landing her gaze on him.

“L-Levi…” It was mumbled at first as though she was asking herself if he was even real right now. And then, her eyes widened and she gasped, “Levi! You have to listen to me. I don’t know anything.”

“I know you don’t, Kagome.” He huffed, slowly raising his hand and gently wiping away some of the dirt and grime on her cheek with his thumb.

“You do? You believe me?” Her brows were turned upward as she seemed to have to catch her breath after each sentence. Exhausted. That was the only way he could think to describe it.

“Tch. I’m not an idiot, Kagome. If you were a damn enemy, I would have figured that out a long time ago.” He asserted, and the woman let out a breath of relief.

“…They don’t believe me, though. Hange, Moblit, Miche, even Erwin. They keep saying that I’m working with the Female Titan.” Kagome eyes glazed over as her body trembled, “And I can’t do it anymore. I can’t take another one of their interrogations, Levi. It’s too much.”

“What did they do?” He asked, trying to keep his patience despite his own growing desperation to know. Not that anyone would be able to tell as his demeanor remained stoic.

“Hit me. Whipped me. Broke all of my fingers. All while screaming for information that I don’t have.” She hissed out, “Next, they will rip out my fingernails. I can’t go through with that…” She took inhaled shakily, “…If you can’t save me, could you kill me?”

His breath hitched in his throat at that request. And he continued to stare with his unreadable, yet focused expression before forcing out a quiet ‘yes’.

But he didn’t want to let it get that far. He had lost almost every member of his squad so far besides her and Eren. And that made her the second-in-command because of her skills and kill count. He didn’t want to lose that asset. With the Scout Regiment’s high death rate, they couldn’t afford to lose such a promising soldier. 

Or at least, that was his rationale. He tried to reason with himself that he was only getting so damn worked up about her pain because he knew she was innocent, on top of being absolutely valuable. That had to be the explanation. And yet, he couldn’t stop staring into her, meeting her gaze, swallowing her whole and wondering if this was going to be the last time. Wondering if anyone would ever have eyes like hers or if she was some once in a lifetime sort of experience. 

“Oi, Levi! Back away from her!” Another voice echoed into the cell, and Levi quickly turned to see Hange and Miche standing in the doorway, “She is a suspect. We have to interrogate her as such without letting any emotion get in the way.” Miche was confident with that assertion, and Hange seemed to stand by it.

“Is that why you didn’t tell me that you arrested her? You were just gonna interrogate a member of my squad, then act like you hadn’t seen her all damn day? Tch. Pathetic. Of course I’d find out.” He stood up, grateful that he had been wearing his ODM gear. “I’m not going anywhere without her. It’s not her fault you’re all too obsessed with the Female Titan to use your shitty brains. She’s obviously not involved in this.”

“We have reason to believe she is.” Hange countered.

“Yeah, I heard about that little tip you jackasses got. What? Some anonymous note connecting Kagome’s vague past to some psychotic Titan shifter?” The captain began gripping the handles of his blades tightly, both still in their metal sheathes. “That’s what you’re torturing her based on? There’s been no real evidence against her, fucking shitheads. And I’m not letting you touch her, again.”

The room was tense, thick air almost unbreathable. No one seemed to be backing down, and the dark-haired man began to wonder if he really was going to have to kill Kagome here and now.

“Levi, we can’t let her go until we’re completely certain that she’s innocent.” Hange maintained, though the fact that she was currently dressed in a white apron with latex gloves. It was clear the plan wasn’t just to hold her in this cell.

“Then, I’ll watch over her until then. I could handle it better than you, shitty four-eyes. And way better than that fucking tree next to you.” The captain growled. He had the advantage right now, being the only one with ODM gear. Still, was he prepared to turn on his comrades and possibly the entire Scout Regiment?

He turned briefly at the sound of shackles rustling together and saw Kagome once more. And even though she was weak and scared for now, he could still see that spark inside of her. Rambunctious. Wild. And yet, so loyal and compassionate. And he knew he would be prepared to turn on anyone who dared to vilify that. She encompassed everything the world should be. And he’d be damned if he didn’t protect that.

“We can handle her, and we can do it without letting our personal feelings get in the way.” Miche barked back, “You need to leave.”

That was it. Levi pulled out one of his blades, turned, and broke the chains that held the woman in one swing. Immediately, her knees gave out and she stumbled forward before a strong arm caught her and pulled her in close. Soon, Levi had wrapped around her waist and held her to his chest, taking the majority of her weight. With his free hand, he pointed the blade at the elites blocking the exit.

“Get out of my way. I’m going to handle this.” He asserted, “Why don’t you try actually solving this shitty case instead of wasting time torturing our own people.”

Looking down, the captain noticed how she leaned into him, palms pressed against his chest as if she wanted to grip the fabric of his shirt, but couldn’t with her broken fingers. Her eyes were closed now, absolutely terrified of what the outcome may be from all of this. After all she had gone through in the Scouts, watching friends die and battling Titans, she had never once seemed to be so hopeless. He had found it annoying, initially, how optimistic and playful she managed to remain despite being a part of the most horrifying branch of the military. And he remembered wondering what it would take for her to lose all of that. Though, this situation hadn’t once entered his mind before now.

“Can you walk with me, Kagome?” He whispered to her. 

Her eyes snapped open and, with her lips sucked in between her teeth, she nodded.

“Let’s go, then.” He led her out of the cell, keeping his blade pointed at Hange and Miche. And, for good measure, shut the cell door and locked it. He knew they had the keys, but it would take them a few to unlock it. And that was all he needed to bring the woman beside him to safety.

Up and out towards the barracks they went, but it was towards his room, not hers, that he led her. He’d give Erwin an earful, or perhaps more than that sometime later on. For now, though, he would have her stay with him where he could make sure no one else got their grubby hands on her. She was too weak to fight back with all of these injuries.

“You can rest in my bed.” The captain asserted as he opened his room door. It wasn’t as if he ever slept in it anyways. 

“Thank you for believing in me.” She murmured as he helped lie her down, analyzing his features to see if he was even slightly disgusted with her grimy exterior dirtying his clean sheets. He didn’t though. He just remained blank in his expression, with just a small tinge of compassion in his silvery gaze.

He wouldn’t accept that gratitude, though, as if he was doing something worthwhile by not torturing her. He knew it in his bones that she was innocent; it was something he could feel, something he could see in her. He would trust her with his own life. And that care she had for the world deserved to be acknowledged. Because it was so goddamn precious.

Precious.

She was precious. 

Gods, he wasn’t sure when he started seeing her like that. Perhaps it was sometime during one of her witty attempts at making him laugh, or maybe it was when he saw her risk her life for even the most unknown soldiers, having a strength that was only matched by a few. Maybe it was when he saw the way she looked right at him, seeing not that unsociable, crude, disciplinarian. Instead, she saw a man. And made no assumptions, but rather let him decide who the rest of him was. 

“Fuck…” He growled to himself, too quiet for her to hear. Tch. To think I’d end up here with her. Annoying little brat.

Of course, even in his mind, he couldn’t conjure up any venom to speak on her name with. There was nothing but his instincts to watch over her until she was strong enough to protect herself, again. Which she would be, he had no doubt. And he respected that about her.

So, he watched as her eyes shut, body relaxing into his bed. Beautiful. Strong. And fucking precious.

[mischievouspoltergeist]

When my mother got sick last year, someone asked me why I had such an issue with taking care of her (as I'd expressed I really didn't feel like I 'had' to or owed her that much as she had never taken care of us ever, let alone when we were sick, but that I intended to try anyway) since I called her my best friend (supposedly, at some point, I believe I probably did, it was something she made me say at family gatherings a lot).

It's taken almost a year and a whole lot of shit for me to answer that question: I was stuck in an abusive relationship with my mother and the only way to survive was to make myself believe we really were friends. Because if I let myself realise she really didn't care about me, I could never have sorted in my head why I did everything she wanted, why I went along with so much and why I stuck around.

In many ways, the pattern of abuse was identical to my relationship with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder (diagnosed, aware of it and chose not to engage in help). Except, I left him after four months, but for at least three of those I was kept on a string of believing I was the problem whilst he screamed in my face, bullied me and physically abused me.

My relationship with my mother lasted 23 years. For many of those years I was still a child. I was so easy to indoctrinate with ideas and beliefs that I was the root of all the problems in her world. I went with it. I've spent years feeling like I ruined my mother's life because that's what she told me. I've spent YEARS trying to make up for what I did by being born because that's what she told me to do.

It's led to me growing up to become a vulnerable adult. When I think someone loves me, I think their opinion about me must just be right. Because surely someone who loves you wouldn't tell you were a fat whore unless it was true, right?

It was so easy to dodge questions like 'why do you put up with her if she literally is so rude to you all the time?' with a 'idk. She's my best friend' because don't best friends speak every day? Don't best friends do things together constantly? Don't best friends scream at their best friend when they haven't spoken to them in 5 hours? Don't best friends kick and shout and scream when you say you're busy and can't do anything that day?

My friends witnessed many incidents with my mum and would ask, incredously, why the fuck I hang around her when she spoke to me that way, and it would just be a shrug. It was easier to go along with it than fight it. Fighting back meant being screamed at and frightening displays of controlling behaviour. It was as simple as if I hung around my mum daily, the abuse was at around 30-70% severity dependent on her mood. If I ignored her for a few days, then the abuse was at 80-100% severe. Imagine going to spend the day with someone who is going to yell at you every time you speak, put you down at every chance, find an insecurity and dig and dig and dig. So you avoid that by letting her abuse you just a bit less daily.

I was dependant on my mum for much of life's little things and she made sure of that. It's been hard and relying on my friends to help me is difficult and scary because I'm so used to it coming with a cupful of abuse. I'm always on edge, waiting for it to blow up in my face.

I also just don't know where to draw lines thanks to my mums abuse. How much abuse is too much? My chart is way off. I will keep trying cos god, the size of the cup of abuse my mum fed me daily was absolutely huge compared to the abuse I've ever had from others. Someone could say one nice thing about me and abuse me the rest of the day and that would still be less abuse than my mother dealt me.

I made so many excuses for her. She admitted fully she never wanted me from the start - my dad wanted me but when I was born, he changed his mind and got a job so she had to put her life on hold and so I ruined everything. I was a problem from the start because I was female, and that meant I was going to be abused in her eyes, so she detached herself (was she ever attached?) rather than even attempt to protect me. I excused her for that. I first shouldered the blame for why she hated me when I was 6/7 years old and she told me about her own past. The grand irony is that had she been watching, had she cared to pay attention, I would likely not have been abused. The grandest irony of all was that my biggest abuser was her.

I still catch myself excusing her. 'Oh I always went silent after she screamed at me for daring to ask her not to be nasty towards me. Maybe I could have spoken up more.' even though I know logically that only made things worse. I remember once asking her if I could remove the furniture from my bedroom when she was away (so I could store it in her room) so that I could remove the black mould growing all up my windows, my walls and (as I later discovered), all up the sides of my actual bed and mattress. I was so ill all of the time and my breathing was a mess. I could smell it all the time, it was so overwhelming and although I cleaned what I could, due to my bedroom being a closet, I couldn't get behind anything without removing everything. She said no. No reason, no explanation, just no. Like most things that benefitted me. I was incredibly frustrated and begged that I could barely breathe for mould, she screamed at me that I deserved it and it was my fault. Black mould had been a persistent problem in that room long before I moved into it, as she had lived there before and seen it. I finally raised my voice and told her I wasn't going to accept this blatant disregard for my health and I was going to do it next time she was away anyway. I was paying rent at that point but it did not stop her getting up and getting in my face and telling me to get the fuck out her house. The third or so time she had kicked me out. There was no reasoning with her. She liked it when I suffered.

She is a narcissist through and through and I have been suffocated by narcissistic abuse for 23 years. Even now, she attempts to abuse me via my brother and father and even the government. She has lost her victim - the last person willing to take her shit. Most her family and friends are not willing to help her for more than five minutes as she treats them unkindly when she realises they will take it and stick around. I've watched her do it, and it just gets worse and worse for those people like it did for me. But they leave, because it has not been 23 years for them.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just... Through. My dad accepted my ultimatum and chose me. It's a weird feeling and a promise I hope he can keep. I know she asks him for information and I have told him to stop giving it to her repeatedly.

To those who think a mother deserves for their child to revere them permanently just because they birthed them... You're wrong. It is our actions and choices that shape our relationship and at every choice, my mother chose to act in her own interests with no care for anyone else. This is a woman who let a man beat her children whilst bragging to them he'd never hit her cos he knew she'd leave. I gave both my parents chances to mend our relationships and believe me, my dad was an appalling parent growing up. He was atrocious. But he decided he wanted to mend that relationship and he wanted to be a dad. Yes, it's sad he didn't realise it sooner but I'm happy for the relationship I have with him now, even if it's not perfect and he really doesn't know how to dad sometimes. My mum? My mum will still tell you it's my fault she finished her degree a year later than she wanted because I was born and I ruined everything 23 years ago. I dared to be born female and put that stress on her. She holds it over my head like it is my responsibility to fix. It has broken me. I've spent 23 years trying to make up to her the faults of my being born and nothing will ever, EVER be good enough to do that. I have given all I have to give. I literally have nothing left to give.